Transcript of We Have A Condom For That

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco. Com/callkonan. Okay, let's get started.

Hey, Noah. Welcome to Konan O'Brien needs a fan.

Hey, Noah. How are you?

I'm doing very well. How are you doing?

I'm doing great. First things first. I understand you're in Massachusetts. Where are you? I'm from said area as well. Whereabouts?

So I was born and raised in Shrewsbury, which is just outside of Worcester. But right now, I live in Woonbury with my husband.

Oh, okay. Very good. All right. I hail from Brooklyn, so I know these areas well. All my family is from Worcester originally, so I know Shrewsbury as well. I just wanted to make sure that we were super boring up front, and we were. Now, do you ever take Route 9? Do you ever use Route 9?

We might have to hijack this.

We might have to hijack this. All the time. All right. No, I'm moving on from that I'm going to get some more fruitful area. There's a Volvo dealership. No. Okay. Let's get to the good- It's Mazda now. It's Mazda. Okay, Mazda. Very good. Noah, we now know I know exactly where you live, and there will be no more questions except for in a few minutes about the Boston area. I want to ask you what you do for a living. Let's talk about that.

Yeah, for sure. I am a condom size specialist for a condom company.

Here we Okay, here we go.

Are you hiring? Excuse me.

I'm going to get us right to the next... When you say Schroesberry, do you mean- Are you hiring? I think you probably took it in the better direction, Sona. Am I understanding this right? You work for a company in penis size analytics?

Yes. I would say half my job is talking penis size, the other half is analyzing penis size.

Which do you prefer?

Surprisingly, the analytics part. I'd rather see it a graph than some of the pictures.

Isn't it great when you're A hobby turns into a job? Yeah. That's just the greatest thing in life.

I've been obsessed with penises for 10 years now.

It's just great.

You do what you love, you never work a day.

Exactly. Exactly. Okay, let's get into this. You're saying you work for a condom company. Is that right? Yes. Do you want to name the company or is the company not to be known?

No, I'm happy to name it. It's One Condom. So if you've ever seen a condom with a round wrap, that would be us.

Okay. You make a variety of sizes of condoms. Is that correct? How many sizes?

That's our bread and butter. We have 52 different condoms.

What? 52? I mean, I've always thought there's just hardly any size differences when you look at a condom. No, you think of there being- Yeah, small, medium, and large, and magnum. Yeah. Well, Sona, you persona's on fire. And Mount Kilimanjaro. Excuse me, I'll have the Mount Kilimanjaro, please. No questions asked. We'll need three guys to take it out to the car. Do you want us to load it in the back of the station wagon?

I'd like white glove delivery, please.

It's like when you get a Christmas tree. I brought some bungey cords. Could you lash it to the roof?

Would you like a fresh cup?

All right, listen- Sorry, you must be tired of this. Yeah, and listen, we want to be... You probably thought, Oh, there's going to be a lot of jokes and stuff. That's not the case in this interview. We're going to really get- Very serious. This is a serious topic. Penises, different sizes, and you must cater to the different sizes. Now, tell me exactly, 52 different sizes, what is the range, say, from smallest to biggest?

For sure, I actually brought some visual aids for us.

All right, this is good.

Soda's just looking at laser beam eyes.

Something we deal with a lot is we work in a lot of education. When people demonstrate how to put a condom on, a lot of times they have to just use a dildo like this.

Okay. All right. Distracting. It's not distracting to me because that's the actual color of my penis. It is bright red. It is bright red and translucent.

It's got a suction cup on the end as well.

It also detaches easily from my body and goes in my luggage when I travel. So so far, nothing you can show me is shocking. That's like seeing an old friend. All right. Tell us, yes, the range. What's the range?

So now we've actually come out with a range of demonstrators because all these demonstrators were just that big, fat, juicy, whatever you get right there. Now we have, essentially, I'll start with our Snuggest range, which I'll pop up right here. So this is the little demonstrator.

Wait a minute.

Very nice, very cute. What's his name?

What's his name? That thing's massive. I call that thing Jumbo.

Well, speaking of Jumbo- Fix a mind fits into one of those.

This is our- Is that the biggest?

This is our biggest. We sell condoms to cover a bigger penis than this. However, this is our biggest for demonstration purposes.

Have you ever had someone call you up and it's clearly like something medically has gone horribly wrong, meaning they have a penis that half of it's in the car still when they're talking to you? Do you know what I mean?

It takes a right turn, a right It takes a turn.

It takes another turn. There's a couple of right angles in there.

Oh, we've had 90 degree bends. We've had 90 to 40, anything in between.

We've had- That's people that are trying to have sex with someone around a corner.

Essentially, yes. We have a condom for that, but we'll help not.

Wow. That's your slogan? Does it have a hinge on it?

One condoms, we have a condom for that.

Wow. Okay. Also, you have, I'm guessing, different textured condoms. There's the ribbed condom. Oh, yeah. What's happening out there in condom technology that I would have missed out on?

That is a great question. The latest development in condom technology would be focusing on heat transfer. Something we did recently is we made a condom using graphene, which is this of space-age material that really helps with conductivity. So essentially, we bond the graphene to the latex so people feel more of their partner's body heat.

Oh. This thing is emitting heat? It's transmitting heat?

No, no, no. It's transmitting heat from your body to your partner's body.

I thought it was like those Mitten warmers where you can put a setting on it.

You make everything unsexy. What are you talking about? It's like a special power.

She was getting all worked up over here.

I know. He was talking about the body, and you're like, Mitten. It's like, Mitten.

Well, that's in my day. That's what I used to call them. I'd say, Give me a second. I got to put me mittens on.

I think I got to take the reins on them.

Okay, well, first of all, Sona, you're like a sommelier. I'm getting a... You'd be a size 38. I'm getting notes of oak, peach, getting me a little peach in there. Sona, why don't you tell us? I want to make sure that you can speak from your experience.

Well, what I'm curious about, and this is a real question because it sounds like you're saying that the fit is very… Is it because it could just come off if it's the wrong size or squeeze your little PP or your big PP if it's too little? What are the problems with the wrong size condoms?

For sure. I have my graphs ready. I have my info graphics right here by my side. There's basically, what, five major issues, six major issues. The big one is if the penis is smaller and we have a bigger condom on it, essentially the latex can get bunched up. It can call out in the middle of the act. That's a really common complaint. And what really the main issue is, is width-wise and girth-wise, a condom that's too tight for people. So if the condom is too tight, a lot of times that constricts blood flow, which means no erection, which means no sense. Really, it's covering the full penis and then making sure it's comfortable, because if it's not comfortable, how can you be expected to perform?

Do you bring that chart with you wherever you go?

Yeah. Family dinners on the bus.

Yeah. Hello, everybody. Happy Hanukah. Oh, hey, and check this out. That's a good white elephant gift.

The chart? Yeah. Or the dildos?

The chart. That was a nickname. So this is incredible. This is something you've thought about a lot. And you'd think, I love the scientific angle that science is always coming up with new things. Now, they were called rubbers many, many years ago. Is that because they were initially made of rubber, and then they later were made of latex? What's the history of the condom?

I mean, all of our condoms are made with natural rubber latex, so it's still a rubber. We still call them rubbers. Not my favorite term. It's not very sexy. Thank you again for bringing it in a very unsexy direction.

So far, I've said, So it's like a mitten? And I've also said, Tell us about the history of condoms. Of rubbers. I know. I might be the worst person to talk about this. Sona, again, you take over. Sona, take it, please. Just take it. I'm admitting I should just step away.

Let's say I'm a dude and I want to get the right size for my dick. Do I send you a picture and you're like, Here's what you need?

Yeah. How do you know what you're- But you have to put it next to a ruler? How do you do that? Yeah. You need scale. A quarter has to be in there.

Yeah. What do we do?

Yeah, exactly. How do we do it? This is a good question. How does one measure so that they can order effectively?

Actually, we created our very own penis measuring tool right here to measure both girths Lent in this fashion and length in this fashion.

That looks like something that would come in a happy meal.

Or testing your pool water.

Yeah. But doesn't it look like a pH? Oh, wow, this is a great burger. Oh, look.

Essentially, we will ship these out. We offer samplers because we have so many sizes. If you buy the wrong one, we want to make sure people get set up correctly.

Are they supposed to measure when they're fully, I'll use the term engorge, Is that when they're supposed to use it for the measuring?

Full engorged, as engorged as possible.

Okay, so you really better be watching something good. Like an early mannix. You've never met a woman.

I know.

I was like, or with someone who can get you engorged.

You're just talking about watching something? Yeah, it's got to be a show from the '60s. It's going to be a detective show. Probably-what the fuck? I mean, that is pretty erotics. There's your mannix. There's some hot ladies in those shows. Yeah. What about making a mold of your penis? Oh, my God. This is something that I've been experimenting with for a number of years.

Experimenting with but never achieving?

What do you mean? No, I make them. Okay. It's a little bit of a... Hey, we all have hobbies. I don't laugh at your hobbies, Sona. I like to make a mold of my penis and then Then turned it into a volcano, a little model volcano. It's fun. Is that just me? I thought everyone did that. Eduardo, you've made some penis molds and turned them into volcanoes. I don't do that. It's really fun. You put little trees and shrubs and put a little village at the base.

Oh, there it goes.

I apologize. Hold on. I think I broke it.

Your penis, because I know that voice is your penis, is a volcano talking in third person about it self-erupting? Yeah. Okay. I go.

I'm a volcano.

You know when someone has a really lame costume and they just basically say, I'm a witch. But I'm also assuming it's erupting out its mouth, so how is it speaking? First of all, it's like a ventriloquus, so it can drink a glass of water and speak at the same time. My penis often tours with a little dummy, and it can drink a glass of water or shoot lava as it's having the dummy say funny stuff. Anyway, again, this isn't where I thought this would go. Oh, my God. Back to Shrewsbury. Now, they have a good mall there. Yes, please. Man. Okay. When people call you for advice, are they very forthcoming about their penis? Are they comfortable talking about the size of their penis?

It's a lot of hush tones. I'm able to tell that they're either in the bathroom at work taking the call or sneaking off into a corner.

Pete, crazy. They just took it with a bunch of people there. Hold on a second, gang. What's that? No, it needs to be really small. It'll fall off. No, I'm off the chart small. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine right there. More potato salad on my plate. Thank you.

Wait, I'm confused. Do you have a hotline? How is this call being facilitated? You do?

Yeah, one condom hotline. Wow. Yeah, I'm the size specialist. I am the resident size specialist.

Oh, this is amazing. When someone's telling you Do you find that people lie, even though it might hurt their chances of getting the right product? Do people, they get on the phone with you and they lie. The way people lie to their doctor all the time when they say, How many drinks do you have in a week? They tend to shave off a bunch of drinks, and they should be honest with their doctor because you're talking about their health, but they still lie. Do you find that people call you up and they add a couple of inches? Do you go by inches or do you on the metric system?

Back and forth. Our customers prefer Imperial, and I like metric.

It's just a lot simpler. I like metric because it's a bigger number. Yeah, exactly. It's just so great. I use millimeters just because it's I got nine millimeters coming your way. Nine.

That's like a pencil eraser.

I got the big nine millimeter coming your way, baby. 17 nanometers of meat. I've got 144 You're quintometer. Oh, God. No, you get that throw around some big numbers. I can 0. 7 grams of fish food here. I just came from Davos, Switzerland, and I'm packing 75 decahet Like a meter's. Okay, listen, I'm being stupid, and I apologize. But people lie to you.

Yes. I mean, I'll get a lot of that. I have a friend or such and such. A lot of people, I think the go-to is they'll say, On a good day, it's this many inches. On a bad day, it's this many. Whereas the good day is like a dream, essentially.

It's feeling down at the moment. It just had a bad day on the stock market. Oh, my God.

Talk it off the ledge.

I went too hard into crypto.

That's the dick talking again?

I lost 9. 9 centimeters. Yeah, that's crazy. But you can tell when they're lying.

Oh, yeah. I can almost the first word out of their mouth, I can basically guess what size they need and whether or not they're telling the truth.

I was going to ask you if big dick energy is an actual thing. And then if you talk to someone on the phone, you're like, Oh, yeah, this is a big one. Or, Oh, he's got a little one. That's okay.

First of all, can women tell?

Big dick energy, yeah. I think there's a reason the term exists. You can tell that someone's comfortable with themselves.

They know they're not going to tip over in a high the wind.

Oh, my God. It's a tripod. You're saying they're going to be supportive? Yeah. I think some people- I'm quite confident in this high wind.

I shall not fall.

Oh, my God.

Well, anyway, so you can tell. Do you ever walk around like a guy doing a party trick and just call out people's number? Oh, my God.

Yeah, just like this. I just can see right through the canes.

Oh, yeah. You can put on the old Carson Garnack hat. Oh, yeah. Wow. Will Sona, you say you can tell.

Well, but he's obviously way more educated in this field. He's an expert. He's an expert in this field. I'm just curious if when people call and you can tell that they're bigger or smaller. You could just tell by their voice and the way they're talking and stuff.

Oh, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of Southern draws on bigger guys. There's a lot of people driving bulldozers, people driving semi-trucks as they're talking to me.

That's crazy because I drove a Peter Belt in here the day.

Oh, God.

I'll tell you what, it was hard to get through the door sometimes.

Shit, man. Oh, my God. Well, I got here quite speedily in my Hugo. It's a two-cylinder engine. It runs on bubble bath soap. My car is in my briefcase as I Oh, God. You see me driving a horse?

Oh, man, that was fun.

Anyway, look, I can joke because I'm quite happy with my situation.

The lady, and I do mean lady, Dott, for testing much.

I think so. What are you talking about?

I got something crazy. My first experience with condoms was making blood packs, squibbs. Do you guys ever have... Because that's what they use for blood packs in movies. Do you ever have movies reach out to you?

Why are you crying? Because I realized- What's wrong with you? You know what I love? I love that I was the guy who was taking this in an unsexy direction. Then Professor Nertz comes over here. I stand by it. Did you know what's paying as many of blood pack is made of a condom? Do you know I didn't go to my eighth grade graduation dance because I figured out how to make blood pack squips?

Oh, my Oh, my God.

That's BDE for you right there.

Oh, boy.

You don't have to answer that one.

That's a terrible question. You know what? You can answer off air.

Yeah, sure, because I know you're going to want to. Hey, what do you think is the next? What's What's the next advance in condoms? What do you think is coming up? I know there's the heat transfer, but let's look like 10 years in the future. Yeah, like pop Rocks. Will we even be... Yeah, exactly. Pop Rock. Something where when you ejaculate, it triggers various fireworks and stuff to stimulate both man and woman and man and man or woman and woman, or a man and woman.

Or the condom version of a Viagra pill where you put the condom on and it helps you. What about that?

That's a great idea.

That is a common request. We get that very often as a condom with that built into it. Topical. Topical solution, yeah. Wow.

Does that exist, the topical solution?

I would say they have I think you can rub it on your hand like gels and creams. I don't know if they work. That's not something that we get into.

Well, I think Sona should be working for you because she's having great ideas left and right. I think Matt and I should have nothing to do with this business. No, I would agree. Yeah, I think that's fair. Well, did you have a question for me? I'm an open book, and sometimes people that call in have questions. You may not.

Yeah, I wanted to know, do you think that size matters in general?

Well, that would be a question, I think, for the ladies, don't you think?

I mean, I'm a big proponent of what you do with what you've got. So I really- It seems like size matters more to the man.

I think so.

I think it does. It seems like guys are more invested in that than girls are. I don't know. I mean, it's not like we're like, Is it big enough? Let's pull out a ruler and just check your girth and your size. It's just you're in it, you're in in it. You know, man, you're just in it.

Good God.

I think all our licenses have been revoked for erotic conversations today, so we've learned that.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know about these matters. I'm famously out of touch with my own body, and I very tightly wound and repressed. Sure. I shouldn't even be speaking to you right now. In fact, I passed out a while ago.

This is an AI, Konan taking over.

This is an AI The real Konan took over. The real Konan is at... Was at a hospital. He's at a UCLA facility. He's being worked on right now. They're trying to resuscitate him.

I do feel like we could do an hour with you, Noah.

We really could. You're a lot of fun to talk to. But guess what? Like so many things, yes, there's a lot of jokes to be made, and we've all had our fun, tee-hee-he, but you're helping people. I was going to say you're doing the Lord's work. I don't think that's the right thing to say. He is in many ways. Oh, it's the opposite.

The While the Lord makes the pipis, and he's helping the pipis.

Why do you keep calling him pipi?

He's shutting off the tap.

Oh, I see what you're saying. But you're looking at it from like, Oh, that's the only reason you do it. When you know, you can do it for other things. No, no.

You have to shut off the tap. No, no. You cannot be for pleasure. What?

Konan? No.

Sure I can't. It's only procreation.

Oh, boy. Okay.

There's a lot of- This is a two-timers club over here. I've had sex twice. Bingo, both times.

Two-timers club. Oh, my God.

Well, listen, Noah, seriously, you are helping people, and it's a very... You know what? I've always found no matter what someone does, if they take it seriously and they're really knowledgeable about it, it's fascinating. It really is. Now, back to Shrewsbury.

Oh, my God. Okay, that's all the time we got for today. You just put a comment on the eroticism of this podcast.

Would you say there, Noah?

I said I can do an hour on Shrewsbury, honestly. I can do an hour on Shrewsbury, honestly. Would you say there, Noah? I said I can do an hour on Shroozebury, easy.

Yeah, I think that would have been even more sensual, actually. We had done that. If you've been to Shroozeberry, you know what I'm talking about. Noah, so cool to talk to you, and thanks so much for reaching out to us. That's very cool.

I'm Pleasure. Thank you for having me. It's so nice to meet you all.

Nice to meet you, too. What a lovely fellow. I know. I like you. Thank you, Noah.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive Produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Leal. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/conon. Please rate, review, and subscribe to 'Conon O'Brien Needs a Fan' wherever fine podcast fine podcasts are down.