Transcript of Kevin Nealon Returns Once More

My name is Kevin Eelen, and I feel nothing about being Conor Bryant's friend. You feel nothing? Nothing at all. I'm dead inside.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey, everybody, and welcome to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined, as always, by Sonam Obsession. Yes. And Matt Gourley. Hello. We were just talking about this a second ago. It's occurred to me a bunch that if I was turned out into the real workforce now, as I am, with my, I'm going to call them skills, just to be generous to myself, I would not be able to get any job. I do think... No, I'm being serious here. I don't know who you were. I'm trying to think. Yeah, if you could wave a magic wand and people... First of all, if they didn't know who I was, that might be an advantage. But if I was thrown out into the world and I don't have the ability to go, Hey, maybe you've seen some of my videos on YouTube or whatever. You can watch me in the old days. Come on, let me work here at this bar. If I didn't have that to work with and I just had to go by my skills, I think I would starve to death. I'm wondering... I mean, history teacher, I think.

You could be a good teacher. Yeah, but they have to know. I'm not disciplined about it. I like to read all that stuff, and I have a lot of weird knowledge, but I can't teach a class, and I shouldn't teach a class.

You give everyone A's. You just feel bad, I feel like.

If you read it, you'd be like, Oh, they tried. Except if a kid was really dumb, I'd really go after him. Oh, no. I mean, after school, I'd follow him.

Okay, I thought you meant in class.

I said, I'm going to kill you. That time, I'll get you, I'll kill you. I'd put a bag over my head. They're going to get you.

You think all you need- Mr..

O'brien, why do you have that bag on your head? Then I forget that, Oh, the McDonald's wrote my name on the bag as they cast it.

You think that's the only thing that would conceal you is the bag?

Yeah. I'd have a bag on my head, but I'd be wearing an original Late Night with Conor O'Brien shirt, and I'd have written on it, This is mine because I'm the host in Indelible Ink. Gee, Mr. O'brien, why do you have that bag on your head?

Before you were known, did you have any entry-level regular jobs that weren't in the industry or anything like that?

Well, as we know, I worked at Wilson's House of Sweat and Leather. I was a camp counselor. You can go back. I mean, a lot of my stuff was not... I don't have real skills in the world. This is a problem. Look, I'm going to say that about myself, but I'm questioning Sona. I think when I met you, you were a very hardworking, efficient, knowledgeable person. I'm being serious. Why are you laughing? I know where this is going. No, but listen, but then I saw you rot so quickly. This is where I knew. I mean, seriously, rot. It just fall apart because suddenly, oh, there's lots of free white wine around in network events, and suddenly you're just getting paid to be on camera and tell me to fuck off. What I'm saying is, could you- Well, Let's say, and what I'm doing with this exercise is saying you cannot go into entertainment or anything like that. You have to get a job where they don't know who you are. You can't trade on the fact that you might be a known person. And for you, you can't do anything podcast-related. Thank God. What would you do?

I actually think about this.

You should, by the way.

Wait, there's a reason you're bringing this up?

Also, the fact that you took no responsibility in what happened to me and how I devolved as a person, you are a circus clown. No part of my job is ever serious. I realized early on my job was to be father for your bits, and so everything else just fell by the wayside. It's your fault.

It's my fault. Okay. No doubt I have contributed.

You're right. The wine helped.

But you always have to see your own hand in things. Yes. You rotted so quickly. I did. Guys, hold on a second. What? All right. Let's continue this discussion because I want real answers later in this presentation. What do you think?

Okay, I think that's a great idea. To be continued for the segment at the end of this episode. Yeah. All right. Sounds good.

My guest today is a hilarious comedian and a very good friend of mine, whose new standup special, Loose in the Crotch, is available on YouTube. The podcast always goes off the rails when he's here. It's always a beautiful disaster, so I'm looking forward to this. Kevin Neillen. Welcome. I met you in the beginning of 1988. I was in the writers room at Saturday Night Live, and you walked in with Dana, and I was very excited to meet you.

I feel like I have Alzheimer's. You're trying to remind me of what happened.

Your name was Kevin Neillen. Really? You're a comedian at the time, and then you got out of that. I did? You're more into real estate now. No. I am thrilled No. Well, it's real estate is very lucrative.

I don't know when he's kidding or not.

I am thrilled that you're here. For you to say you feel nothing after all these years of us being very close, very close.

I'll tell you why I said that, because I've felt everything already and there's nothing more to feel about you. Oh. Hate, anger, jealousy, all of that.

I'm determined today to keep this thing running smoothly. Can we please have some a conversation? In the In the past, we've had difficulties. You and I are not real people, and when we encounter each other, it's like two AI chipmunks having it out in a foxhole.

When you say we, you mean you?

No, you two. You know that you have a problem. You don't look me in the eye.

I can constantly look in your eye.

Just one eye. I have two of them. That's the problem. You just look at one eye.

I don't want to look at the other eye. It's not a good eye. You know that.

Thrilled you're here, and you were just down the street. I wasn't able join you. You kindly invited me, and you were sitting with some heavy hitters.

Yeah, I always sit with heavy hitters. Yeah. Normally, when I do a podcast, I get together with the host beforehand and break bread, and we talk about what we're going to talk about.

But I didn't want to do that. A lot of prep on this one. I didn't want to do that. No, we're going in as we always do. Hot. Hot. We're coming in hot. Coming in hot. How are you? You're on the road a lot, I know. You're constantly on the go. You have a new special coming out. I mean, these are exciting times.

These are really exciting times. I got a lot of things I want to talk about here. When you're done, pussy-footing around, let's get down to it.

Just a little more Pussyfooting.

No, things are going well. I am very busy. I've been a lot of stand-up comedy, and I'm really at the top, as Gary Shandler used to say, Kevin, you're at the top of your game.

Yeah. Well, you are. I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. I know you're-We're talking about pickleball, right? No, we're not doing that.

Okay, let's not do You disarmed my...

I was going to seriously say, I think you're one of the best stand-up comedians I know consistently for many, many, many years. I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. You're a winner. If you were a hot dog, you'd be a winner. This is why I'm sitting at the bottom of my game. That reminds me of a really funny cartoon I saw once. It's a hot dog opening his mail, and it said he's at the little mailbox. And then-by the way, I love food jokes. Excuse, hon. And the caption is, You may already be a wiener. That's such a good one. I love that. That's a good one. That is a good one.

I like that one.

All right. Glass of water. What's going on? How are you, buddy?

I'm doing great. How many times you're going to ask me that? How are you doing?

I'm doing really well. How are you doing?

We come around out of the gate. I do have a special coming out. It's called Loosen the Crotch.

Loosen the Crotch. Now, can you tell us what that's all about? The title.

I will give you the title.

I'll tell you the whole- I know. It's probably a material you don't want to waste here because it's on the special.

No, I will go through the special if you want right now. I have it memorized. I prefer that. Loosen the Crotch comes from a cat I used to have named Pierre. I love this cat so much. I'm not a cat person. You know what I mean? I don't like cats, to be honest with you. I wish them well, success, but I'm not a cat person.

What success do you want?

Just any cat success.

Yeah, I got it. In the cat's sphere.

Nice cat tree one day. Got you. Nice cat tree, maybe. Produce some good hairballs, something that's good. This cat was amazing. He was just so friendly, and I loved him. This was 10 years ago, he passed away. I had a pair of jeans at the same time. These jeans were the perfect fitting jeans. You know how you get a pair of jeans once in a lifetime? You just love them.

It's that magical pair.

It's that magical I know it's hard for you because you have long legs. Like me. I found these jeans that were snug in the hips, tight in the butt, and loose in the crotch most of the time. That's where the loose in the crotch comes from.

Most of the time. You mean if you became aroused, they weren't loose?

No, I I don't say that. I said, if you put them in a hot dryer, I don't know where your mind's going. But can I finish? May I finish?

I know exactly where my mind went, but yeah, go ahead.

He loved those jeans. Whenever I sat down, he would jump up on those jeans. He wouldn't get off. When he died, I thought it might be nice to wrap him up in those jeans and bury him. It make me feel good, at least. But that cat... You never met Pierre? I don't think so, no. He was the best. Ten years ago, I I still miss him, but not as much as those jeans.

You miss the jeans more than Pierre? Yeah. You regret wrapping Pierre in those jeans?

Oh, big time. I regret it big time. If I could do it again, I would not do it again.

Quick question. Where's he buried?

Oh, he's buried in Arlington.

Wow. Buried with full military honors. Of course. I'm guessing the cat must have served. In what theater? Afghanistan?

No, Cineplex. But no, he's done everything, this cat. In fact, that's how he died. What do you mean? He was on a special mission.

Okay, I see. Died in the line of duty, buried with full military honors Rappers wrapped in your jeans at Arlington. Yeah. Incredible. This is an incredible story.

My wife was telling me a couple of years ago that jeans were looking a little tight on me. I said, They weren't the same jeans for 30 years. She goes, Well, you believe what you want to believe. So, yeah, I like to prove a point. So I I dug up my cat Pierre and I unraveled those jeans from him. Cat hair everywhere. I tried those jeans on and guess what?

What?

A little tight.

That's the big O Henry ending. A little tight. Just a little tight. De Niro, a little bit.

That cat, though, lost so much weight, Konan. Good for him. But a healthy amount of weight.

Yeah, that happens when you-Not an unhealthy amount. Decay, of course.

Yeah, it's called Loosen the Crotch. Okay. It's going to be on YouTube, January 27th. It's premiering on the 800-pound guerrilla platform.

Very good.

You're not writing that down.

I don't have to. It's all right here.

You got someone to remember for it?

Youtube, the 800-pound guerrilla platform. I listened to everything you said. What's the date? You said March January 27th.

January 27th. What's the name of my cat?

Say it slowly. You just said January 27th. If you're going to make sure that you get the plug in, make sure you do it correctly. The cat's name is Pierre, buried in full military honors. I think we're No, we're not done. We're going to keep going. I did not despair.

Yes, January 27th. It's going to be on YouTube on the 800-pound Guerrilla platform. Okay.

You're just repeating yourself now.

What was the name of my cat?

Pierre.

And?

Buried in a moment.

And he was a nice cat.

Yeah. Listen, Kevin.

I just want to have a conversation with you for once in your life.

No, you don't. You don't want a conversation with me. I do. You and I, even when we get together, just the two of us There's no microphones, there's no Sona laughing, there's no gourly-looking, worried. Whenever we get together, just the two of us, it's the same bullshit. You and I don't want to have a real conversation. I know I don't. It would terrify me. I don't think you do either.

Here's something that I do. I don't know if you do this as well, but you said, Just the two of us. I automatically think of the song. Just the two of us. Just the two of us, no matter what you say.

We can make it if we try, just the two of us.

I didn't know you couldn't sing. Come on, man. Let's just do this. What are you writing down over here? Nothing.

Because you have a diary. I just wrote something off, which was my career. Are you keeping your journal as we're talking? You took me out of the game. You took me out of the game. That was brutal. That was a brutal takedown.

But the standup is going great.

Let me ask you a question. I saw some press recently. You shut off your big mouth about going to the S&OP on our 50th, and you said, I cock blocked, Conan O'Brien with Paul McCartney, and it got a lot of ink. I mean, I saw this everywhere. And by everywhere, I saw it on one site, and I'm still looking. But it was everywhere.

Have I been on the show since then?

No.

Okay, can we talk about that? Yeah.

Do you feel badly about it? Horrible. But you did it on purpose. I'm at the Plaza Hotel, and there's McCartney. We've encountered each other many times over the years. We start having a nice chat, a really nice chat. And then you come sailing in and block me with Paul McCartney. I'm a huge Beatles fan. Why did you do that?

Well, let's back up a little bit.

How far are we going?

The '60s.

The '90s, okay.

I experienced that same thing. That's why I felt horribly about it. I was talking to people the other day, the night before, and people just coming in interrupting me like I was nothing and just taking over the conversation. I'm just standing there. When I did that to you, it was like a revenge thing.

A revenge, but not against me because I hadn't done that to you.

Yeah, but somebody's got to take it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Anyway- Did you have something good to talk to McCartney about it? Nothing. We used to be friendly when I was on the show and he was there because we're both animal activists. We talked a lot about that, and Linda McCartney sat at my table at that other reunion. We had a lot of discussions and stuff. I saw him, I got, Oh, he's going to be happy to see me. I come into the conversation with you guys and you step back like you should have.

Yeah, I'm nice that way. I created a space for you, which I now regret.

I regret it, too, because it made it look like you got pushed out instead of staying there.

Also, I was at a great point in the conversation. Mccartney said to me, I'm thinking of putting another band together. Would you like to be part of it? All I had to do was say yes, and I was going to be part of his next band. He said, I think it'll be the biggest one I've ever had. I said- Is that his ghost? It's the Ghost of McCartney? Is it part of McCartney's Ghost? Yeah, it's the Ghost of McCartney. He said, I'm going to be three other ghosts that visit you tonight, the other Beatles, and you better become a better person in the morning and realize the true meaning of Christmas. But anyway, All right, so let me continue. I'm going to give more of my bit. It's McCartney as one of the ghosts, and the other ghosts are, of course, Lennon and Ringo Star. Then the twist is it's not Harrison. Yeah, it's Harry Delafonte. Harry Delafonte. Okay, go ahead.

You step back All of a sudden, it's me and Paul now. I go, Hey, Paul, how are you doing? The ghost had come back. I really had nothing to say.

You had nothing. It was amazing to me.

I know that he's standing there getting so much small talk all night long. I'm surprised he's out on the floor, but people are coming up to him, and I'm standing next to him, and I'm sensing that he doesn't remember who I was.

He made a face at me like, What do I do? That's what he did. He said, Get security.

Wait till you hear what he did. Okay. I say to him, That was a good choice of a song to go to the slumbers. I'm like, Well, you know, Lohn wanted me to do it. Okay, but you guys had other songs you could fall back on, right? And nothing. Kind of like, No, crick ass. Maybe it was my fault.

If only he had one other hit, they could have pulled back on you.

Anyway, shortly thereafter, and by the way, the whole time I'm looking at his mouth thinking, that's the lips where, Hey, Jude, all those songs came out of, and I'm looking at it, and then I see the tongue once in a while. I go, That's the tongue. That's the tongue that pushed the music out. This was such a...

I didn't say that to him. It was so creepy. I could see you just staring into his mouth. And guess what? He could see it, too. You were looking into his mouth as he was talking.

I look at the lips, the way they formed the words. I said, That was a word he used in Hey, Jude. And then finally, he goes to me. He said, Oh, There's my niece. Oh, nephew. He goes, Let me introduce you to my nephew. So he brings me over to four tall guys, executives, they look like. And he parks me there. He stands for three seconds, then he's gone. He just did the handoff for me. I knew when he left.

You know what that's called? That's called the kneeling. When you're talking to someone you don't want to talk to and you scrape them off your shoe, that's what we call it because we all do it to you because you look at our mouths when we're talking and it's creepy. None of us can take it. I've scraped you off my shoe many a time. I've said, Hey, look, there's my niece and my nephew. Then I walk over and it's a fire hydrant and a letter box, and I just leave you there.

Hey, come on, let's get off of this whole thing. Let's talk serious for a minute, okay?

Okay. It's seriously, but anyway, go ahead.

No, it's not. It's however you say it. Have you read texts lately?

What? Texts.

Have you read texts lately?

You're okay?

What happened? Nobody uses pronunciation or punctuation. Okay. Do you know how they A smiley face emoji just came out of your mouth.

All right.

What happened? That's what happened with Paul McCartney. Yeah.

You're still reeling from that? We understood that you moved on from that. You didn't need to then say, Oh, and By the way, that was the end of that story. That's the sign that something's not working out for you.

Why are you so angry?

I'm going to say something. Bill Burr said this to you recently.

I love Bill Burr. Who doesn't? That's a comic.

He's a hilarious comic. He's a wonderful fellow.

Angry.

Guess what he revealed about you? He said, Everyone thinks you're a nice guy. Really? But you're really pretty toxic, and you are. Bill Burr said that? Bill Burr said it about him. That's really saying something. You know what? You come across as this beautiful, delicious, red, delicious apple, but there's little razor blades in there with Kevin Neill and jibs and jabs. You see it, too, right? He knows how to dice and slice with the best of them. No, I don't see. There's some anger coming out of you. I know there is.

I love how you end it with a sip of coffee, if that's what that is.

It's coffee.

Yeah. No, I appreciate you. First of all, let's go back, recognizing that I am a good comic.

You're a great comic.

You're one of the greatest comics. What's the name of my special, by the way?

It's called Loosen the Crotch. Your cat's name was Pierre. Yeah. And it's going to be on YouTube, and it's coming out in January. What? Well, that's where it gets interesting.

That's not interesting because it gets sad. It gets sad because you can't remember. What's that?

It's the 27th. You know how I remember that? Yeah, so that helped you. No, I remember because 2 plus 7 is 9. What?

What platform will it be on?

What's that?

What platform?

I told you it was going to be on YouTube on the 800-pound gorilla. Yes. I do listen to you.

How long is it special?

Well, according to some critiques, too long. I'd say there was an extra 20 minutes you didn't need. There was a whole part where you were just talking about airline food. No one needed that. I've always revered you. You know that. Don't start doing a bit with the water glass. I'm listening to you. No, you're not. You're more worried about your bit with the water glass than you're about talking to me.

Why is everything a bit for you? Why are you so defensive like that?

I'm a pretty serious guy when you think about it. You are multi-talented. You really are. You're a hilarious comic. Then you do this thing, you come out of the blue. A couple of years ago, not that long ago, and I guess you were developing this in private, you come out with these caricatures, and they're fantastic. You did a book of caricatures, and they're really amazing. Whenever you call me, the image that comes up is your caricature of yourself, you're very talented at this. I just wanted to doff my cap to you and wonder why still no second book. The first book was great, and I keep waiting for you to do a caricature of me, one of your heroes.

First of all, I've never had anyone doffed their hat to me, and I appreciate that.

You don't get out much then. You also don't travel. I don't hang out with people wearing hats. 19th century London. No, but sorry, you're very talented.

No, thank you. I love doing the caricatures. I've been doing them for more seriously in the last couple of years, but I sketched you a lot when we were doing You did. Writing Hans and Franz and SNL.

You were always in the corner drawing. You once drew my shoe. I used to take it. I would wear old man shoes when I was a writer. Wingtips. Wingtips shoes that I got at second-hand stores, flea markets. If I found a shoe that was my size, I would buy it. This was one of my weird things I did. I wear jeans and a T-shirt and then these old 1950s and '60s shoes. You can relate to this, Gourly.

Well, I think you'd like me, too, but no, you've gone even too far from me.

I mean, people died in these shoes. It's like your cat. I would wear these shoes. Then sometimes when we were writing, you all do things when you're bored or you're trying to come up with an idea, I would take off one of my shoes and I would put it on the table and just look at it while I was thinking.

You rearrange it a little bit, shift it around.

Yeah, and I would look at this old man's shoe that I wore, and you once sketched me looking at my shoe.

Yeah. That, by the way, is that moment.

That's likeMOMA now.

That particular one, is that MoMA?

Is that MoMA?

Yeah. I've been doing a lot of the- You invested nothing in that lie.

You quickly realized this company is not going to work.

I'm out. I'm a pro. I hit and run. Hit and Let's not lose any time. But people are always asking me, Can I buy one of your paintings? I never was really selling them. I just had the book. Now I opened up a store on Shopify, kevinneelandart. Com.

Is that true? This is your second plug. They can go there. How many more plugs does he get? Is there a rule? I wonder after this. He gets two more plugs, says Adam.

Two more, okay. People can go there and buy my paintings if they like. That's very nice. It's quite easy. In fact, I do have one of you that I did.

You did one of No, you didn't.

Did you really? I think you suspected it.

No, I bitched at you for a while because you've never done a proper one of me, and I was a little hurt because you were doing all these... He was doing all these other people you didn't even know. I'll tell you why.

Because I've been to your offices before, and you have so much fan art, so many different caricatures of you and drawings. There's no more orange paint out there. I can't find any more orange paint. Okay, all right.

That's a good one.

Anyway, this is it. It's It's my attempt. It's my first attempt.

You see Muncher.

Oh, my God. Hey. That's not bad, right? That's fantastic.

That is amazing. That is so good.

Jesus, that oil?

That is amazing. That's beautiful.

Oh, my God. I love that.

You know how long I had to look at a reference picture of you? You can't remember. I know every... I got the vein in the wrong area now that I'm looking. There's that incipient eye vein.

That's incredible.

That is really beautiful. Really, really cool.

Thank you. We should mention that you can go to @teamcocopodcasts on Instagram to see this painting.

But your hands really would explain that face because they were like this. You know how you- Well, you know what I'm trying to do?

This is me, I believe, last year at the Oscars. This is at the Oscars. And this is me. I put my hands out sometimes when the crowd's so enjoying my material, I'm afraid they might search forward, and I need to keep them back. Do you know what I'm saying?

Kevinneelenart. Com. You know what I'm That's incredible.

Tell us, what are you using here? Are you using acrylics? Are you using oils? What are you using? Cran.

It's all Cran.

Okay. All right.

I'll tell you what I'm using since you asked me. It's called Multimedia Unique, I believe it's called. There's different mediums. It's a sketch. Color pencil? I sketch, and then I do digital, and then I do paint.

It's really gorgeous. Thank you. Are you giving this to me or is this something I have to buy?

No, you get this on the story.

Hey, you put this up on the store, this would be huge.

It's going to be huge, believe me. By the way, I was going to put something on the back. I was going to say, This belongs to Konan. Do not accept as a re-gift. Because I know you got a lot of this stuff going on.

No, I love that. I think you're... I mean, you're a phenomenal talent across the board. You really are.

I am. But you know what? What? I don't like to doff my hat to it.

It's more cap. You doff your cap. You tip your hat.

Cap is more of a baseball No, just no.

You okay?

You want to talk some more about my accomplishments?

Part of the things about the podcast is I do- Do you know that I used to sketch pictures of Farley?

Chris Farley. Sitting across... Not that Farley. No, Kevin Farley.

Farley, you're such a huge... You know what you are?

You're telling the audience it was Chris Farley. You're a black hole. I know what you're doing. It's just a waste. You're telling the audience it was Chris Farley.

You know what? Light can't escape you, and neither can a decent conversation. It all gets sucked into that black maw.

Here's the problem. We are both magnets, but with opposite polar attraction. And neither one of us wants to be serious with each other because we know what?

I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do.

We know that...

Oh my God! That was a real sneeze. That was a real sneeze.

What if it came out of there? What if there was snot coming out of there?

No, I swear to God, I think I'm allergic to this whatever we have. I've never sneezed like that on the podcast, and it just came up right there when you couldn't even complete a sentence with me. No, you couldn't complete the sentence.

I gave it to you, and you couldn't complete it. I said we're two polar opposites, and That's because... And then you sneezed.

I think we both have similar talents. We occupy the same band in the whole array. If you think of a rainbow, there are many different colors, many different frequencies of light. Oh, shit. It's your fault. I'm going to put this down because I think it's distracting us. And thank you very much for this.

You don't like it?

I love it. There's a shredder down there.

Let's talk about sneezzing for a minute. I can make a sneeze really loud. I mean, I scare my family sometimes because I don't have to make it loud, but I can make it, not the breathing in, but the coming out.

Yeah, it's a shriek.

It's like a...

Yeah. My wife, the whole house, freaks out when I sneeze because it's a loud shriek. Does Tate do this? It's a thing that men do.

I do it. You do it. I'm a loud sneezer. You're a loud sneezer. I like getting it out.

No, me too. I want to get it out. I I think that's safer. If you muffle it, I always think I'll get an aneurysm. So I go the other way and I shriek as if I'm being stabbed to death when I sneeze. You do the same?

Mine is more like a… It's It's really loud, though. I'm telling you, it scares my family.

Are you sure you're sneezing? I don't think you're sneezing. No, it's a sneez. No, no. I think you own a laser.

I'm serious. It's like this.

A pooh.

I swear to God. I don't think you're sneezing. No, no. That's not a sneeze.

We were walking down the sidewalk in Chicago. Who's we? Pierre, my wife. My son and my wife, Susan and Gable. I sneezed, and there was a family of four with a stroller in front of us, maybe five yards in front of us, and I sneezed so loud. Everybody choked. The family turned around. I was embarrassed. I was looking around like, Who did that?

You couldn't admit it was you. No. You just brought up your wife and your son. I'm huge fans of theirs. Your wife.

Likewise.

It was beautiful. Talking about your wife now. Gorgeous. My wife, very beautiful as well.

But what?

Well, what happens is-Familiarity breeds contemps. We look at each other every day. No, we're both very lucky men. But my God, your son, I'm going to say his name, Gable. What a handsome, polite young man. He is so polite in an old-world way. That's a guy who would doff his cap to me if he could afford a cap. You're not a big earner. My point is, he's just an incredible fellow.

Thank you. And he loves you, too. Of course, he does. He does impressions of you, in fact.

What? He does impressions. Well, now I don't like him so much. Are they cruel impressions?

No, they're right on. He finds the little nuances of people. He's a really good mimic. He will come over to you and he's doing you to me. He'll come over and grab my shoulders and go, Why do I do? Something like that. Whatever you say.

Yeah, I'm always muttering.

Get in there.

I like to grab a man by the shoulder and Sona. I like to grab a shoulder. I like to get hands on people. This has caused me problems in the past, subways. But I like to When I see a fellow like you, I like to just grab you and take stock of you, see how you're doing, shake you a little bit.

You always say something like, What am I going to do with you?

What am I going to do? Well, that's just my inner voice. There's an inner voice, inner part of me.

There's a lot of pent up.

Anger, rage. Yeah. I want to kill you.

That is true. My wife and I, since you brought her up, we are executive producers. I said, I think you know on a Sundance Winter called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's a documentary. This is very- Did you see it? Yeah. It's on Apple TV right now.

You know what? This is incredible. I think you're up to three plugs now. You get one more plug.

I'm going to recap on some of these, too.

When you work with your wife, can you get along or do you disagree a lot?

Oh, no, we get along great. Yeah, she's a good partner. Okay. But the executive producing, we're two of the people, then there's several others. It's a great documentary, and I think you'd be hearing a lot about it.

Okay, well, you're hearing about it right now. Especially you. Because it's another plug.

When is this coming on, by the way?

Will it come on? This will be February ninth. No. Did you think this was going right out?

I thought it was live. No, I thought February ninth, 2026. You know what a podcast is?

27.

Very nice. Okay, I could deal with that. What does it cost to do this podcast? There's a lot of overhead. I know you don't pay attention to that stuff.

There's a lot of overhead.

I love this building.

A great building.

Do you own it?

Let's just say yes.

Look at me. I do. I own this building. Do you really?

Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but I own a lot of real estate in Los Angeles. I'm the largest landowner in Los Angeles.

What about buildings?

No, I just own it. I don't own the building. This has been a I did the wrong thing.

It's hard to get to your land when there's a building on it.

I bought small pieces of land in and around buildings that I don't own, and I'm talking very small.

What's your favorite piece of land that you own?

Catalina.

Come on, can we please just have something going on?

You know what? I'm going to just ask listeners, get a transcript of this, and I think they're readily available.

What's the name of the documentary I was talking about?

We're not going to do that.

Come to See Me in the Good Light. It's on Apple TV right now. Yeah. It's a love story, Konan, if you're interested.

No, really? I guess you and I aren't in it. I'm going to give you that one.

I'll give you that one.

What do you mean you'll give me that one? I don't need you to give me anything. My quips are as good as anyone. My quabs, they're right up there with the best. What happened there? What was that? We're not going to air this. Do you want to not air this one?

Are you seriously thinking about it?

I'm thinking about it.

It's a real good documentary.

Don't stop doing that. You keep retreating. You're going to be back at McCartney soon. I plugged it all.

Where you got some nephews over there, some nieces? I have plugged everything now.

Do you root for me? Be honest. Do you root for me?

Tell me what you think.

I think you don't. I think you want me to be destroyed, and then you get to come along and give me a hand up. That's what you want to do. Hey, buddy, just walk it off. You put your hand out. I take it, but then you pull it away and you do that thing where you brush the side of your head. What do you think, Gourly, you seem I'm just stunned by the fact that you would ask someone if they root for you. That's purely pathetic. Do you root for me? Pardon me, sir, will you root for me?

I could really use someone to root for me.

I want everyone rooting for me. That's why I go up to people and say, Do you root for me? Do you root for me? Sometimes I'm talking to someone with a terminal illness, and I'll say, Do you root for me? Do you root You're like, I have maybe minutes left in this consciousness on this earth, and you're asking me if I root for you? Do you? Do you? Do you root for me?

Jesus.

That's what you do right there. You take the bit and you run with it. I like it. That's what it is. I know your stuff. I told you that before.

I take a bit and I run with it. That's what most people do.

I was not rooting for you, but I'm happy for you.

Thank you. I don't think you are. You once on this very podcast- No, my family loved you. You cried. You cried, saying how surprised you were that I had gotten anywhere in the show business.

Because I was sad for you. I was sad. I really was. I think you have trouble accepting that you're so successful.

Please, I'm not. I'm working my way, keeping my head down and doing the best I can. That's all I'm doing.

I know, but when will you relax and know that you're unear enough? That's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. That's sad.

Not in your life.

That's why I stopped rooting for you.

Okay.

Because you're a lost cause. You're a lost cause, my friend.

You do sit-ups? I do, actually. I do sit-ups, yeah.

Will you be chasing the six-pack forever?

Because I know I am. I would like to have it once. I'd like to have a six-pack.

I had it once for five minutes.

I have a one-pack, and then it turned out it was an inflated boobos. It was a postulating boobo.

Inflamed liver. Yeah.

Have you ever had the perfectly sculpted body long before I met you? Oh, God, I got pictures.

I do.

You were a physical specimen one day, weren't you?

Can I show you a picture?

You've done this. You ask a lot of people this. I ask people- I have another painting. I ask people, Do you root for me? And you ask people, Do you want to see a picture? You ask me. It's never gone well for either one of us. You ask me if I had a picture. Yeah. Okay, let's see your picture.

It's in my phone. I got a lot of pictures. They're all of you and then one of me. All right. Good one. Isn't it funny when you have a cell phone before you- You got me that time.

You want to see a picture? Yes, I I don't have one. Good one. You've seen this is Kevin Neillon's act right now. Hey, everybody. Want to see something cool? Yes, we do.

You tell me apart while I'm looking for a picture. Not going to happen.

That's our show.

To prove you wrong. What are you doing? I got an 8 by 10 on here if you want to see that.

I do.

This is going to just take too long, man. You just go on Abercrombie and Fitch. You'll see me on the wall over there. It's too long. It'll take too long. I'll send it to you. Give me your email.

Sure.

What's your fan-only site? Rootfarmee@gmail.

Net. What's the plan, Kevin? You and I have both just-We've had a good run. We've had a good run. We've had a great run. What do we do now? There's a lot of young comics out there, a lot of young people out there coming up with great stuff. Is it time for us to fade away? What do you think the plan is now?

Well, time now to fade away? No.

We try even harder.

This is when you pull out the big guns now. But you're right, there are a lot of young comics out there.

You're okay? What is wrong with you?

It's hard to... You just do what you do. I've been doing what I do for a long time. I've been doing what you do, but nothing happens.

You know what I'm saying? Why do you keep covering up your mouth? What are you doing? You're covering up your mouth a lot today.

I'm trying to save you embarrassment. Okay. No, I I like what I'm doing. I've gotten to that point now.

That was a crazy sound he just made. Did you hear that? Just the sneeze. What's going on here, buddy?

I see why you need a friend. I like what I do. I'm happy with it. I'm not chasing it anymore. I think I'm pretty good. I'm not pulling punches with myself.

If you had a few drinks, you just went, I'm pretty good. It just looked like you were four drinks in. I'm pretty good. You're great. One of the greats.

Why don't we meet out on the sidewalk? You can make fun of me. You're one of the greats.

You are one of the greats. How many are there? You are Hundreds of thousands. You are among hundreds of thousands of grades. No, you are a singular talent.

You don't-What's that funny noise he just made?

Sorry. I'm trying to say something I don't believe, and it's getting stuck in my throat. It's like a motorcycle? I'm trying to say something that I don't have conviction about. Is that a Paul McCartney impression? You don't do political comedy. You don't lean on the culture. You just get up there and you talk. You have fantastic, brilliant jokes. You're one of my favorite humorists of all time. You really are. You're great. I believe that, and I believe that you are a unique voice, and you've never compromised. I mean, occasionally in some advertisement or something. But in your work, in your standup, you've never compromised. I think that's rare, very rare, and I have great respect for you.

Appreciate that. Now, let me tell you a joke I just wrote.

Okay.

This is where I think it might be getting a little hacky.

Okay.

I was in Phoenix last week. I flown in. I got there. It was a long time to get there because of cancelation and stuff. I'm going to my hotel room, and I'm starving, and I'm exhausted, and I see the safe. I thought it was a microwave. I thought, Oh, good. A microwave. I put a frozen mac in there. I locked it up for 6 to 8 minutes. You just thought of that? No, I thought about it before, and I've honed it down.

So you thought of it for... I've perfected it. When did you think of it? How long ago?

This is important. Five days ago. I haven't stopped working on it. I finally finetuned it.

Keep at it.

Let me say it again, because you weren't paying attention. I was really exhausted. You were tired. I was hungry. I come into the hotel room and I noticed there's a safe off to my peripheral vision. I go, Oh, good. I locked up a frozen mac and cheese in there for 6-8 minutes. I left it in there. The next people came in. The woman put her necklace in the safe into the frozen mac and cheese. Period.

This is a new thing you're on to, period. Then it lets the audience know. You let the audience know that the joke has been told. It's instead And seen. And seen, period. I like it. I like it.

Let's look at the picture again.

Do you crack yourself up a lot when you think of these things?

I find myself pretty funny.

Does your wife think you're funny?

Yes.

It's so condescending, but people are always saying, If Liza laughs at anything I say, they act amazed.

But how do you reciprocate with what she does? What is she missing from you?

I don't know. I haven't thought about that.

That's a really good question. Maybe you should think about other people besides yourself.

That's a good point.

But you love her for a lot of things. No. But you don't show it. Again, it comes back to you being too in You're sensitive to show your feelings. Let me finish. Let me say something. I think Bill Burst is right.

You do what you just said?

When did you say that?

You just said.

When did you say that? He said that on my hike.

Yeah, he said that on- Hiking with Kevin. He did Hiking with Kevin. Yeah, he said it. Did you hear what he just said?

Oh, fourth plug.

That was the last one I got. That's the fourth plug. You said four. That's the fourth plug. Yeah, you said I got a four.

Yeah, I didn't think you'd get there. That's incredible.

Oh, I'm going to get the six before I leave.

Okay. But he just breathed out. You have so much venom in you. It comes out, but You're a lovely man. I'm going to say that you're a lovely guy, and I think you've got a big heart. But right? There's just little razor blades in there. Bill Burr is right. You've got these little tiny razor blades in there.

He didn't say that to you. He said that on my hike.

I know. He said it on the hike, yeah.

But I was baiting him. I was pushing his buttons to try to get some a Bill Burr reaction.

You took an Irish guy from Boston out into the sun. Not from Boston. You didn't need to bait him.

He's not from Boston. He's told that many times. He's from the suburbs. Yes. And he got angry because I kept saying he's from Boston.

I always think that means Boston area. Don't you think that's fair?

That's what I said.

Wow. Matt wants no part of this podcast today.

Matt's ordering from. You guys are just projecting on each other. Have you noticed? We talked about this last time. You're accusing him of those things that you might as well be pointing in a mirror and same thing. Exactly.

If I was pointing in a mirror, I'd be pointing it myself.

That's why you're so angry at me because you see you in me.

Because you see you- You're saying I'm calling him out on things that are all me. Yeah. They're little razor blades in what I say.

And vice versa. Yes.

We're the same guy, and that's why these are so weird.

That's what he's getting to with the magnets. You're the same magnet, but you're polar opposite.

Yes, this is really good. Thank you. Guys, you can figure it out.

I'll be back in about an hour.

You know what? We are... Yes, that is why these are so fucking weird. And fantastic/disturbing is that it's two of the same people. That's what it is.

It's fight clubby where you may not know the other one doesn't exist. You know what I mean? Yes. You You know what I mean? You don't.

Okay. I'm confused. You were confused by that movie.

I think that if we let our guards down and open ourselves to each other, we'll find out that we're really not worth much as a person. You know what I mean? Seriously. That's why we keep that wall up, because we don't want to know. I don't want to know. We don't want to accept that truth.

That's true. You are me and I am you. I've told you this a million times.

I saw those words come out of Paul McCartney's mouth.

You got us back there, didn't you? Would you like to do a plug for Sir Paul?

What are you thinking about right now? What do you have to do later today?

No, I was just thinking about how this is revelatory that we are the same person. I told you this a million times, but it bears repeating. When I met with Lauren for the first time to maybe get a job at SNL, he asked me who was my favorite cast member. You were pretty new, but I had seen you do some things on Update, and I said, I like Kevin Neillen. Lauren made a face like, Okay, do you want another shot at that question? No, he loved you, too. He loved you, too. I'm kidding. But my point- If I have to hear that story one more time, it's going to drive me crazy.

I get it.

But my point is, I think I was some guy on my couch in late 1987, in my early 20s, looking at someone on TV, and I think I saw something that was in me. That's why I liked you you, and now you and I are both sick in the exact same way. It's fascinating.

You guys both want each other to root for yourselves.

Yes. I want... And you know what? That's because I want to root for me. Yeah, exactly. This is fascinating. We are through the looking glass. This is incredible. I want you to root for me because I want to root for me instead of hating me. And that's why you can't finish a sentence with me and all of your... Okay, it's a- Have you read spam?

Have you had spam lately?

We're not completely alike. There are some crucial differences. This blew a hole in my theory just now.

No, I agree with you.

I had spam summer camp. At summer camp, they used to cut off slices of ham and put it in a skillet when I was up there in the woods in New Hampshire and fry it up. I remember looking at the spam cooking and then looking at my red freckled arm and thinking, Those look the same. Seriously, that's a real memory.

Did they put brown sugar in it because that helps with anything. My father used to cook everything with brown sugar, spam, bacon.

It's amazing. I thought I had just cracked this elemental thing. If you had been in the room with Einstein when he was sitting there at the patent office and he said, wait a minute, maybe If you were to say, E equals MC², and maybe everything is relative in the speed of light, you would have cut him off. You would have cut him off and said, Do you really think a bidet works? He'd be like, A bidet? Do Japanese toilet. Do you think those really work? I mean, isn't the toilet doing most of the work? Aren't we supposed to do some of the work? What did I say? Did I say equals? Wait, what was it? I forget now.

What about spam? You ever have a spam?

Have you ever have a spam? Did it look like your honor?

No, because whenever we go on a hike together, and we do my little hike on YouTube, Hiking with Kevin. You are always looking at it like you're so... This is all so ridiculous. This whole notion of hiking and talking to somebody in the drone. It's just, What am I doing here? Okay, let's go.

When I did the second hiking with Kevin, you had this drone. You devoted so much time to getting these drone shots that are the most unimpressive drone shots you'll ever see. They're taken from ladder height. If we had brought a ladder, we would get the same shot, and you kept having this thing go up. I think you have separation anxiety from your drone. You wanted it only to be two feet away from us at all times, and you spent forever fucking around with the drone and then I'm packing it up and putting it back in its little backpack, and you would go along, and then you'd release it again, but not too high, just up to here. Bill Burr loved the drone.

He loved the drone, man.

He's a suburban guy. He had nothing to say about the drone.

You really found it ridiculous. Yet, you never say no to me.

No, I don't. I do love you for that. You know why? Because I do love you. I do feel bad. I do love myself then.

I do feel badly sometimes asking you for things.

No, you don't.

I do because I'm thinking, When is he going to When is he going to say no?

I'm a sucker for this guy. I'll do anything that you want. Really?

Because I got a couple of asks for you.

I know you do.

Kevinelenart. Com. No, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to be one of those people who just plugs things. For the rest of this thing, let's just talk about what about you.

During the time you were on my show and we were having what I thought was a real conversation, and then I asked you about your health, and you started to talk about, Yeah, well, I had A-Fib. I'm like, Oh, that's really rough. He was like, Yeah, and this is on the talk show. Then you said, Yeah, but So you got to make sure that you get the medicine. And then you looked into camera away from me and said, Just check with your doctor. Make sure it's the right medicine for you. And I felt this chill go through my spine. Then I went, Okay, Kevin Ewen, everybody, band plays. I said, What the hell was that? And you went, Well, if I don't say that part, I don't get paid. And I went, What? You did a commercial and you worked it into our conversation?

That was part of the deal I made.

I was, I don't care about your deal.

I had to do what? I was asking you about your health, and then you look into a camera and say, Just make sure it's the right medication for you.

No, I said, Check with your doctor first to make sure it's the right medication for you.

Sorry, I butchered. I worked on that line for a long time. Here's the thing. It was such a weird, sad moment for me. I'm just going to start talking. I don't even know. At the end of this, you're going to look to camera and say, If you lack sincerity, just make sure you take sincero net.

The pharma company said, In your contract, you have to do one late night talk show or any talk show.

You never told me this. You could have said something.

That's none of your business.

You were a guest on my show. I was a guest. You're a friend of mine. I'm the guest. You should treat the guest nicer. Why couldn't you say it by the end, I'm going to do this thing for a pharmaceutical company? I wanted to help you out. I would have said, Wow, you look much better. What's different in your life? Well, now I'm on.

Do you know why I didn't? Because I knew you could handle it. I knew you could take care of yourself.

It was creepy. It was creepy. Well, that's creepy to you. It was a betrayal.

People loved it. They loved that information.

This audience did stand and cheer. They went, We will check with our doctor to make sure it's the right medication for us. They did. I'll never forget that. They did, actually. They said, Check with doctor, check with doctor. They all worked out. They lifted you up on their shoulders and they took you out. Check with doctor, check with doctor. Check with doctor, check with doctor, check with doctor.

Made a lot of money from that.

Okay, great.

No, thanks to you.

Yeah, little heads up next time. Okay?

I'm sorry about that.

Listen, I'm going to wrap this up.

Okay, I'm going to Because you're a terrible person, and I'm talking to myself now, not to you.

You are.

Do you want to recap anything?

Yeah. You screwed me over with McCartney. You completely screwed me over on the talk show when you did an ad for some Afib medication without telling me first, and it was weird, and a chill went up my spine. But you always had me back after that. I have a suspicion that you're not going to give me that painting, that you're going to take it and sell it on screwafreendover. Net.

Kevin Neelanart. Com. I got to make up. You're right. That was a really, really disgusting and self-Promotional. Promotional thing. But you know what? It made my life better. I know you're rooting for me. I have to be better. Yeah. Right? I mean, you can't disclaim that. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, I think the major thing that... Well, I don't want to recap all the plugs I did.

No, you don't need to.

But you do have to see my special. Yeah. I think you're going to like it.

And I will, and I'll see it clearly because I'm using a new medication. It's called Zabadab Habitons. I care about you. I think you're one of the greats. One of. One of some other greats. We're not going to get into that.

Next time I come, Can we please just talk like we're normal people?

Not going to happen. Kevin Neelen.

Because I'm getting to the point now where-Wrapping it up. I really can't have a conversation with you and learn anything about you, it's just like total The hearts in the eyes.

Thanks for being here, Kevin. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me.

You're a good guy. I really appreciate. I appreciate any time I'm able to be on your show. Thank you, Kevin. Whether it's your late-night talk show or this or the Oscars.

Good having you here. Thank you, Kevin. It's good to be here. You take care.

Okay, we're back on this subject, and you were about I'd like to find out from Sona what she would do if she didn't have this job.

Listen, I have great admiration for you, but I'm just wondering, what would you do seriously? Let's be honest.

I know what I would do. What? Because I think about this. I would work at Costco. Why is everyone laughing? Hold on.

Hold the phone. I'm listening. I'm not laughing.

Costco is one of my favorite places in the whole world. I love going there. Everyone who works there is cool. You check things and you have to put it in the carts the right way and there's no bagging. And you do the beep, beep, beep. Everyone's happy. Most of the people there are happy because they're getting a lot of stuff for a good deal. I think that it's a good company. They have good benefits. I seriously looked into this.

You thought about it. Okay, so I'm not joking about this at all. I know that the customers are very happy. You get the sense that the people who work at Costco are really happy?

I think so. I think they're well taken care of. I really think that the corporate structure there is- It is a good job.

It's got something. Let's go, Blake. I was just going to say that Costco is known for having great benefits for their employees, health benefits and stuff.

Thank you. It's a well-known thing. Thank you.

I could do it, too.

No. The thing is, I know you could. I know you could. I think there'd be a couple of weeks early on where you'd be saying, I don't get it. Where's the free booze? When do I get to stay with my boss in a five-star hotel and make poopoo and butt jokes? When do I... I mean, you know what I mean?

You don't think they make poopoo and butt jokes at Costco?

I've made poopoo and butt jokes everywhere. I think they do, and I think they do in bulk.

Okay. I have to say, in my defense, I've made poopoo. Good one.

Hey, Eduardo, good one? Fine, fine, fine, fine. Mad respect for Eduardo.

I've made poopoo, peepy, butt jokes at every job I've ever worked. So I bring people down to my level.

Even when you worked at the IBS clinic? I'm here for my IBS. Poopoo, peepy. Why? Please stop it. Stop it. I just came here to leave a sample for the doctor. He he he. Poopoo Beepee. Poopoo Beepee.

Sample, there's poopoo in there. Yeah, of course.

It's funny. Then you chase them out to the parking lot with their sample. Poopoo Beepee. Listen, I think you would do fine at Costco. I Do you think it would be a period of adjustment? Hey, we're the famous people I get to meet. All that stuff.

Yeah, exactly. Is that not part of it? No. Is that not part of the job? That's cool. Do I get to fly in a class higher than economy? When I used to- No. I use your credit card and buy myself tickets?

No, all that stuff is gone.

Gone, gone. Okay. Well, I think I need to rethink it.

And retink it. Retink it, yeah. No, but I do think I know you're incredibly practical and you're completely self-made. No one ever offered you anything, and you made yourself. And so I know that you would do okay. And now the I- Is it what you want to do or realistically have to You know what I mean? What I'm talking about is you've got to put food on the table. You're going to have two kids. They're crying. These are really young kids. I'm going to say your wife cannot help in any way. You need to make some money.

I guess I would just go back to teaching. I'd full-time teach.

What was the subject?

I taught theater for 25 years.

I'm going to take that away from you and say it can't be that. Because it's performing arts? Yeah, it can't be anything to do with performing arts. It has to be something practical, something Then I think I would do an interior design consultation, but not like, decorating, but like remodeling. But you're good with woodwork and things like that, aren't you? Could you be a contractor?

I couldn't be a contractor, no. I could be a consultant, like a design remodeling consultant. You know what I mean? That thing.

I just think in desperate times, you can't say, Well, off to be a consultant. I know. That's why I'm thinking- What is it?

You don't get benefits with consultant work either, right?

I've always had to manage benefits on my own because I've always worked gig style.

Yeah. Okay. Seriously, what do you think? I can't be anything to do with... Be honest. What could I do?

I was thinking the same thing- Don't say teacher or anything. Go ahead. I know, but I was thinking the same thing Goral's was, which is teacher. But I also, can I be serious for a sec? I think you'd be a really great politician, maybe a local politician, because you're very likable, you're funny, and you're also very smart, and I think you're charismatic. I think you'd be like, Hey, Hey, guys, I'm on the city council. Then you're not easily corruptable. You'd be one of the good ones. I think you'd be a good politician. That's nice.

Yeah, I think so, too.

But can you go out and get a job quickly as a politician? No. You got to run.

That's the tough thing with this.

That's why I'm thinking about... I'm just thinking about, oh, it's the depression. Yeah. Your business has completely gone away. The robots have taken over. They're smoldering ruins. I got to go out.

I would just do construction work. I would just go join a firm and just help build houses or something.

I guess, I mean, one thing I could do is model.

Is that where this was heading all along?

No. I just thought of it. No, that's not where this is heading. You planted this whole thing. No, I'm not. I just thought of it this moment, but I am Wait, why do you say no way? I have very sharp cheekbones.

You have no ass. You're incredibly pale.

You're the only one who is looking at male models in a catalog who are showing you glasses and saying, Where's the ass? I don't see the ass. Also, models are not supposed to have huge asses because they're supposed to show the clothes. More from Bley, by the way. Bley, if I've ever put you down- Long legs. I have very long legs. Walking down the runway.

Can you walk down a ride? Can you Can you do a runway walk?

I could do a funny runway walk.

Yeah, but that's not what you're supposed to do. You can't be serious.

I would take the attention off the clothes.

If there's a camera pointed at you and they say, Give us a smoldering look, can you do it? Do it, do it, do it. Try it. Do it. Do it. Okay, see? You can't do it.

Hey, Konan, be sexy.

Be sexy, Konan. Be sexy.

Show us sexy.

Give us a sexy look. You're a bad boy, Konan. Give us a bath.

Give us a bath. I'll get you real good in the bedroom. I'll really show you something.

No, be serious.

Just be serious. Talk dirty.

I'm going to put jelly on my chest.

Be sporty. Be sporty. Be sporty. Athletic.

Sporty? Yeah. Is that sporty? Is that a sport?

All right, now your model that you're with, act like you want her. Act like you really just want her. You want to have sex with her. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Bow-time. Oh, no. I'll put on my glasses, windshield wipes, steam, hair spins around. Oh, my God.

If you lose this job, you'll just be institutionalized.

Yes.

I will be immediately institutionalized, but I'll make money because people will come and study me. Yes. All right, we cracked it. We all know where we're going. You're going to Costco. You're going to a local construction site. I will be institutionalized because I'm criminally insane.

Conan O'Brien needs a Friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonum of Cessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Liao. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/konan. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.