Transcript of Denis Leary

Hi, my name is Dennis Leery, and I feel like I could give a fuck about being Conan O'Brien's friend because I'm already his fucking cousin. It's true.

It's true. First of all, we were just acquired by CBS.

I'm going to reduce-You're going to reduce the fuckage? Yeah.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends.

I can tell that we are going to be Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a friend. Joined as always by Sonam Obsession. Hi. Matt Garley. Hi. I'm going to let people have a little peek behind the scenes of how we work here. I noticed something recently, which is we always have the interview start with the guests saying, Hello, my name is, and then blank. I feel blank about being Conor Bryant's friend, and we give them a physical piece of paper. That's the way we've been doing it now for, is it five years, six years?

Almost eight. It's over seven years.

Seven and a half. Oh, my God. We're speeding towards the grave. All right. Anyway, walking hurriedly towards the grave. Okay. What I noticed is that guests, not every guest, but Maybe one in three, they get fidgety. There's this piece of paper in front of them, and they would do this a lot with their paper and slide it around. It would distract me. I think sometimes you would hear it, Eduardo? Yes, every now. I just started to notice there must be a better way. Finally, for the first time recently, we started, I suggested, Isn't there a better way where there's no physical piece of paper? We started putting it up on a screen over there on the wall, so there's nothing in front of them and they can't fidget. We try it for the first time recently, and we're doing it. The guest says, Hello, my name is blank, and I feel blank about being Conor Bryant's friend, and we're off to the races. Everything's great. Then I start to hear... I'm like, What the hell? I look over and you, Matt Gourley, the podcast maestro, the producer. I didn't even say I was good. You were like, you were- I don't have paper.

Shuffling your paper, and you kept crinkling it and uncrinkling it. I kept looking at you, and you were looking at me. You picking up on my signal, and then I had to point at you during the interview at your paper, and you made this, Oops, face.

What were you doing? In my defense, it was in the Kevin Neillin episode, and you guys were just insane. I think I was just it was disassociating because it was uncomfortable. No, it wasn't uncomfortable. I just normally don't do that thing, but I was rolling the corner of my paper.

Oh, my God. It was so loud. I apologize. Well, no, listen, apology, not accepted. Then, Apology rescinded. How do I get that apology back? Because now I'm reconsidering and I would like the apology.

You have to really show me that you want it.

Where is it stored, the apology?

At my Apology Safety deposit box.

Okay, I've got to get in there. That's my new heist movie with me and my friends. Me and my friends got to get into that vault and get that apology back. Oh, my God. The worst heist movie ever. The worst for an apology. I did it. We got it. It's all of us in some villa in France that we can't afford because we got no money. We're all toasting each other as I unbox the apology. Wait, and you open it and there's nothing in there. You just hear, I apologize. It comes out and it disappears into the ear. My voice, I apologize.

Into the ear.

Yeah, it gets so anticlimactic. Then someone comes in and says, Get out of my villa. You don't pay anything.

You're an Italian accent. I thought they were French.

I know. Was that a French? An Italian can own a villa in France. In this movie, because I can't afford the really good French villa, I go to the Italian Villa in France, asshole, Eduardo. So the Italian villas are subpar is what you're saying? No, this one just happens to be. I would never generalize, but this guy really doesn't have his shit together, except he's on it with the billing. Anyway, I think I have to start taking paper away from you because I'm going to have other interviews.

It happened one time in hundreds, almost 400 interviews.

But it happened the first time that we had removed. That was the best part. It was the first time I had removed paper from the guest to try and stop this problem when I hear, Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, and I'm like, Who's ordering crinkle-cut fries? I look over and there's my girly crinkling away.

You're not above this. You're often doodling on your paper.

Doodling is different. That is an artist expressing himself.

Oh, no.

You owe me an apology. Oh, like you know about noises that come up in the...

Oh, yeah, you do listen to the podcast. Do I make a lot of ding, ding, ding noises?

No, what you is this.

Yeah. That's me. Well, I have a high moral standard. But the audience wouldn't know that. And a lot of times I'm like... I cut them all out. That's me disapproving of the morality of the people around me. I'm tisking them.

That's not us. So I should leave those in?

No, you should take them out, but you should put them in a box and put them in a safety deposit box. I've got one of those.

I've got one of those. I've got one of those.

I'm moving out with me and my gang at an Italian villa in Switzerland. No, an Italian villa in Ireland. What? We open up the box and all these come out. Then a guy comes in and says, Are you in the bear, you're Bill? Now get out or I throw this pile of potatoes at you. Oh. Ireland. Because it's Ireland. I tied it all together. God, he's good. Who's talking? Konan. About who? Himself. Anyway, no more paper for you, no more paper for me, and I'll try not to do... Yeah, why do you guys need the neat paper? When do I do that?

You do you do it?

No, but when.

You do it Usually, as you're about to begin a thought, so you go like, another thing you always say coming into a response to a guess is, it's interesting that, or it's very funny that, and then you'll go and then say something.

It's very erotic when I think about it. It's erotic? Do you think that's a turn on for women? Not at all.

What do you define erotic?

What do you mean? When I was single, I used to go, oh, yeah, this is really good. Oh, my God.

It sounds like you're trying to- Girls love it when guys make creepy noises at them.

That really works for a lot of girls.

Sounds like you're summing a horse.

And that's me. I'm in the bathroom there in the bedroom. I'm just talking to the mirror. I don't know what's happening in this scenario. I don't know what happened. You know what? Why do you guys even need paper? I never have paper in front of me. Just don't have paper.

What do you need it for? I have to write notes.

When you were my assistant, you never had any paper. I used to ask you, Write things down, and you wouldn't do Yeah, but look who's not making noise. This guy. Will you admit that you rarely had paper when you were my assistant? You know why I didn't have paper? Because I was using an iPad with the writing stylist because I was trying to save paper. You were drawing dicks and buts. You were drawing dicks and buts with your stylist. But I was also taking certain notes. It wasn't all dicks and buts. I remember the time I went over your notes, I looked over your shoulder and you were drawing buts. Okay. I think there was a reason that I was drawing buts. Wait, remember when Gourley made a lot of noise with paper? You know what? You're right. Yeah. I love it. I just Also, remember when he sneezes and blows his nose a lot? Remember when you spilled water all over the table? That was one time. Hey, remember when we got along and made a great podcast? No, I don't. I don't either. All right. All right. Let's get started. Yes. You threw your papers on the floor.

To prove a point. Here we go. Here we go. Adam gave me. Here we go. No, I didn't know if we were doing it. If that was a segment. I forgot, is that a segment? No, I'm serious. I don't know. My guest today is a comedian and actor. You can now see in season 2 of the Fox Comedy, Going Dutch. Are we related? Are we not? We just don't know, but you'll find out. Dennis Leery. Welcome. I want to say one thing before we get started, which is you and I have known each other a long time. We've hung out. We've enjoyed each other's company. You always go out of your way to tell me that you've been listening to the podcast and then tell me what happened on the podcast. So some people say, I love the podcast, and you can tell they're just reading it off their phone that I have a podcast. But Dennis is a true blue fan, and he's always going on and on about two other people in in the room who aren't me. Okay. All right. This enrages me.

Listen, this is a perfect opportunity for me to say this. I don't know what this means. I don't really fucking listen to podcasts, okay? But I listened to this because it was on the radio and I drive everywhere. In Manhattan, I drive everywhere. In Brooklyn, I drive everywhere. I fucking was like, Oh, my God. Konan has a podcast. Once I got in, now, one of my favorite things on the old TV show, I can't remember which iteration of the show.

Who knows?

When you and Sona were doing the bits, those film bits were fucking genius. I love those. Once I started listening to this, I just told these guys this backstage. I was like, Listen, I like the podcast. Most of the people that are on this show, I know. I've either worked with or I've hung out with or I've known for forever before we were famous, like Ben Still or whoever. I'm interested, but not what really brings me in is when these two, when Corley and fucking Sona are arguing and shitting on you, it's some of the funniest fucking shit. Fuck you, man.

Yeah, fuck you. It's so-Thank you, Corey. Maybe a little more artistic than that. Okay. Not just, yeah.

Go suck a dick.

Hey, that's better. That's what you're on to something.

It's so fucking funny. Also, it's just when you're firing back at them. That's really my favorite part. When I met Sona just before, I've been here for four hours. Konan doesn't get here until a minute before you start shooting. He's too big of a star. I was downstairs- You could hear my helicopter landing on the roof of the building. Well, I thought, does it land where the pool used to be? Why the fuck would you?

Why would you- There was a pool when we bought this building, and I covered it right away.

He covered it up. Why? Because you can't go in the sun. What about everybody else? Sona obviously can go in the sun. Yes, I can. I want to- Take it away. I can't go in the sun anymore at all. I used to go in the sun all the time. I can't. Every time I go in the sun, I get a melanoma.

Okay, so it happens instantly? Instantly.

If that light here, this light, this light is going to add melanoma before the podcast is over.

This is how I know that we are related is that- It's from the skin can't. It's so funny because people get hung up like, What's your skin color, race, all that stuff. We're not just white. You are a deathly paler, and I think I'm whiter than you.

Except- Yes, but we're not even white. We're into a different… It's like, translucent.

You guys are ultraviolet.

Yes. It's like a UV form of skin. Yes.

It's see-through. We emit light. That's how white we are. You're prisms. People have used me in mines to get copper out.

We are literally walking the lamps, okay?

Oh, here he comes. Good, good. Open the old text and we'll read.

I can't fucking find my phone. Get Konan over here. Konan, look in there.

Always keep a Konan or a Dennis by the bed. That's so fucking funny. Just right there in case there's an emergency. All right, let's crack into this right away because there's a lot to talk about.

I want to say another thing about how old we are. Because when he told me, I just did a gig with you. I know how old you are, but in my mind, I think I'm like 40. Then when I see somebody like you who's in my I go, Oh, Konan doesn't look like he's 40 anymore. That's what reminds me that I'm fucking almost 70.

You feel older by looking at Konan. I provide that service for everybody, by the way.

Can I just say that?

I Don't just emit light, but I will help you determine how old you are by just looking at me.

Wait, I'm just aging in your presence. Oh, my God.

I saw Brian Kyly downstairs.

Brian Kylie has been with me for From the beginning. Those guys are downstairs. They're working on the Oscars. Brian Kylie has been with me since, I think, 1993. Yes. Brian Kiley from Newton Mass and part of the Irish Mafia. He went to my Sunday school. We had Sunday school instruction that happened, I think on a Monday night. It was called the Santa Call, and we'd go out to Brighton, and we were taught by nuns once a week. Parents would send their kids to make sure they got proper Catholic instruction, sons and daughters. I would get driven out there with my brothers. Brian Kiley was one of the kids that we used to talk to. That's so crazy. Yeah. It was always about the Bruins.

Because I played hockey with him.

Oh, really? You did?

Yeah. In Charlestown, of all places.

How does he play hockey? He has no leg muscle. He's a guy that works out all the time, and he has this incredible buff torso. Then two pork slim gims having off his pelvis.

This is how good... Well, you don't have to waste a lot of time talking about Kylie. But Kylie looks the same. He looks literally because he was bald when we were 20, and he was always in shape. Now- He looks the same. He looks exactly the same. He's Brian Kylie with glasses because he's getting old. His eyes are getting old.

He's 110 years old.

He's 110 years old.

He fought in the Korean conflict. He did, yeah.

He was a comic from my generation. He's a great joke writer.

He's a great joke writer. Just a great joke writer.

Why are we talking about him?

You know what? I have the same thing. When we're talking about another comic and it's not one of us, I have an egg Timer that goes off after three seconds.

Why are we talking about this person? He's a great writer.

I may have mentioned this, but we had Jean Simmons on The Late Night Show years and years and years ago, and we had some sketch that he was going to be in. I can't remember the context, but for some reason, he said okay to a lot of the different jokes. But then there was one joke that involved him just saying, and I take a jazzercise class with Richard Simmons, the workout guy, and he put an X through it. Our head writer at the time said, Well, you don't like that joke? Is there a problem with it? He said, He's welcome to mention me anytime, but I don't need to mention him. Our writer said, Well, wait a minute. Do you have a beef with him or something? He went, Not at all. But he said, No free rides. That was the thing that haunt me. He said this. He said, no free rides. What that means is, why would I mention someone else unless I'm getting something for it? Literally another person like, Hey, Jean Simmons, how are your children doing? No free rides. No, are they well? No free rides.

Oh, my God. Isn't that crazy? Well, if you can't monetize it, it is.

If you can't turn it into a kiss, quiseon art. What's the point? Anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this.

I'm very impressed, by the I'm going to say something nice about you now. Oh, God.

These go nowhere, by the way.

Fuck it. I'm not going to say it.

Nice, nice, nice, nice. Then you can come in with eat a dick.

I just want to say he did The comics Come Home concert I do in Boston every year for the Cam Neely Foundation, which is a charity I've been involved with.

It's a big charity you've been doing for like 20 something?

29 years. 29 years. Anyway, he did it this year. We knew it was going to be funny on stage. Fucking band loved doing Road Runner with me. Road Runner, yeah. Which was really funny. But he was so fucking nice to everybody, including my baby sister backstage and all these other people there. We went up to the VIP Donor dinner, which is people who really donate a shitload of fucking money to the hospital and the cause and everything, and was funny up there, took all the pictures with everybody. He was so fucking nice to everybody. Then he was a complete asshole later on.

I know when to turn it off.

It only lasts for nine minutes.

I'd look I'd find it when I'd see it was only me and Dennis or Menace Calco, too. I'd be like, Okay, I'm going to tag out now. Screw you guys.

He was still a dick. Part of it, he was like, No, it was fucking nice of you to do that, and you killed. When you were backstage talking to my baby's sister, she loves you, and she was like, My God, Konan was so nice. I was like, That's fucking front. But he was nice to you for five minutes. Yeah.

But thank you for that. Oh, no. Well, this is the thing, and then we'll get to the question I had for you eventually at the end.

Is it a skin cancer?

I want you to look at something and tell me because there's got a ridge around the edge of it.

Oh, yeah. No, you got to get that taken out.

You said to me, Hey, can you come do the the Kam Neely thing. I said, Yeah, I've never been able to do it before because I'm always taping. I said, No, this year I can do it. I said, Yes. I go to Boston, and I'm not thinking. Then I get to, I'm like, Okay, where am I going now? Td Garden. This is an arena, okay? And I think, oh, it's an arena. And I get up to the stage and I peek through the curtain completely packed. I swear to God, I think everybody in Boston was there. And you have a moment of, Jesus Christ, look at this. I mean, an arena, this is what people see when they're playing the last game in the basketball season in the Championship. This is what you're looking at. And it was packed. The next day, the next morning, I'm walking around Boston, like Newbury Street. I'm over near the Hancock Tower. I'm just running some errands. I'm going to go hang with some of my family. And people are just yelling out windows, Great job last night. Hey, had a lot of fun. Everyone in town had been to this thing.

It's really impressive what you've built because, yeah, there's a lot of different charities, but I'm hard-pressed to think of one where everybody in that city goes.

Well, listen, it's really cool. Well, listen, it's really cool. Kam Neely, who played for the Boston Brewing, and is a hockey Hall of Fame. He's a legend. He's the President of the Brewings. He runs the team. They respond to the call. Boston is such a great fucking comedy scene. It's still thriving there. The guys coming back who came out of that scene, but people like you as well who were from Boston, anybody that comes in to do it, they appreciate that. But Kam has turned that charity as such a big success. He's a very present guy in that city. People love him. They love the Bruins. It's a hockey town. It's a sports town. I think they see us within that light as well. We're at the garden where the Celtics and the Bruins play. I saw a Konan at the garden last night, which is so cool.

For me, growing up, the idea that anybody saw me at the garden is crazy because it sounds like, I mean, to me, it just makes me think, yeah, I drained a three-pointer. I was like, no, I didn't. I fucked around.

You know what's so funny is because of our families, backstage in my dressing room in a couple of the areas are my sisters and my older brother and a bunch of my cousins, right? Then I go and introduce Konan to my baby sister in the cafeteria where they're serving some food or whatever. Then the show gets done and I was like, I got to go in and thank, again, thank Konan because he was so fucking good. I go in his dressing room and there's a cousin. I don't know if she's a cousin of mine, but she's a cousin of yours from Worcester who's in there. Was she espousing a conspiracy theory?

If it's a cousin of mine, then probably.

I walk in and he goes, Hey, this is my cousin, blah, blah. I just remember she went, This is my...

Was it her husband? Her name's Catherine, but we call her Boo.

Okay. And her husband is Ardie?

Let's just say he's Ardie. She's married to Ardie Lange, which is not going well.

Anyway, it was so funny because she was telling us some weird story about Worcester, and she was like, This is my husband, Neil, or whatever his name is. And he's just like a guy saying nothing in the corner.

There's no room to talk around any O'Brien or Reardon. I know.

It's so funny. You've gotten me to what I want to talk about, which is, I didn't even know this, but a number of years ago, you said, Hey, I'm your cousin.

We're related because I think you didn't know it either.

I had no idea.

And then we Try to look into it. You're from Worcester, Mass. All my people are from Worcester, Mass. My father's side of the family is from just outside Worcester. My mother's side of the family is from Worcester. The Rearns are from Worcester. The O'Brien are from towns outside Millbury, Sturbridge. Basically, Worcester. Basically, Worcester. My grandfather was directed traffic downtown in Worcester, and that was the job he had.

Or as we say, Worcester.

Worcester. Worcester. I used to go and hang out with my cousin there when I was growing up and hang out in Worcester. There was one thing to do and one thing only, which is for some reason, there was a museum of armor from the 14th.

Yeah, Amma. Museum of Amma.

People would say- Did you go to the Amma Museum? Yeah. And literally what it was, it's not even that well curated. It was just a big- It's horrible. It was a big old office building that hadn't been used, that had been shut down in like 1920, and they filled it with armor that they didn't clean. I think most of it wasn't on a mannequin. It was horrible. It was horrible, and it looked like a hoarder's attic of armor. I remember I'd be staying my cousin and my aunt would be like, Go see the armor. Why don't you go see some armor?

That was a big highlight in Worcester.

And literally like, We did that yesterday. Do it again. Because it's Worcester, and that's what you do. There's not a lot. And you'd walk around and go, Yeah, there There it is.

Now they have a minor league baseball team for the Red Sox, Polapok, which is downtown.

It used to be the Potucket Red Sox, and they moved.

Is that right? They moved to Worcester. It's Polapack, nice little ballpark in downtown Worcester. They have a minor league hockey team, and so things are looking up.

The thing is, when you're from Worcester- It took us 150 years. Here's the really funny thing. The Mill closed in 1902.

Listen, let me tell you, when I was growing up, and some people are still bemoaning this, It was the heroine capital of New England for a while. When I was a teenager. Why do you think I was there? But we were literally like, Hey, we're famous for something, right? Then, I think it's now Lowell. Anyways, it's like 10 years ago.

Lowell took the Crown.

We can get it back. I was like, So now we have nothing? So Lowell took the heroine capital of New England. We don't even have that.

I think we still have the armory. The thing is, this is how Worcester-centric people get. Don't get me wrong, I love Worcester. My whole family's there. It's a big deal, and the people are lovely. It was a big part of my growing up because that's where I'd go see my grandparents and cousins. It's very near and dear to my heart. But I will say that when you're in Worcester, everything's Worcester-centric and nothing exists outside Worcester when you're there. I had the experience of when I got the Late Night show in 1993, there was all this speculation. First of all, my own relatives were like, What the hell? You're going to take over for Letterman? I'd be like, Yeah, I guess so. What the hell are you talking about? You can't take over for Letterman. I remember my family because everybody still lives in Worcester, and they were all like, Hey, do you know this guy?

I'm like, No, I don't know this guy.

No one knew that guy.

He said, Oh, for Letterman? Yeah. I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

We'll see. Good luck to him.

Look at us. Years later, here you are, covering pools in Hollywood. That's how I'm known. Close that pool. Everybody inside.

Fit it with cement. I am there I'm in Worcester visiting my uncle, Jim Maird, and we called him Gavin. Wait a minute. What?

That makes perfect sense.

Yeah, his name is Gavin. That's what we called him, Uncle Gavin. And Uncle Gavin said to me, I know who your first guest should be. At the time, people were saying, When you have your talk show, you can have pretty much anyone as your first guest. Anyone will be like, Oh, my God, first guest on a talk show, and if it goes, then I'm always going to be the first guest. So you pretty much have whoever you want. And he went, I know who it's going to be, and this is what you got to do. And I said, Who? And he said, Bob Coozie. And I said, What? And he said, Bob Coozie. Bob Coozie, a big star out of Holy Cross College in Worcester, who was a big star for the Celtics in the 1940s and '50s, back when people shot... He He would shoot his... Whiter than me. He would shoot his free throws between his legs. Like his- Granny style. Granny style. He would shoot them between his legs. And great player. But this is 1993. And I'm being told- By the way, he's still alive. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's 100. And God bless you.

I'd have him now. But as my first guest in 1993, can you imagine if I said- Bob Coozie. Bob Coozie.

When I was a kid- That's how I said, I don't know if it's going to work for the first...

And they're like, What are you talking about?

It's Bob Coozie.

It's Bob Coozie. Everyone's going to go crazy. Yeah, everyone in Worcester is going to go crazy.

He lived in what they call the nice section of Worcester, which I can't remember at that time when it was when we were growing up. But on Sundays, you know when your parents would drive around and look at houses that you're never going to live in after Mass on Sunday? Because we lived in Maine South. We lived in an apartment in a two and a half decker, not even a three decker. My father would drive us by Bob Coozie's house in the nice neighborhood He's like, Bob Coosy's house, and we're like, Yeah, we know. We go buy it every Sunday. You know what I mean?

Can we go to the Ammery now?

He had a driving school for a while in Worcester. What? Yeah, a driving school. Bob Coozie's driving school.

I want to drive like Bob Coozie.

What is that? Why the fuck does he have a driving school?

This I want to ask you about because this is something you can relate to because of what you just said. I wasn't going to talk about this, but when you're an Irish Catholic and growing up When you're in Boston or you're in central Massachusetts, there's this whole thing of what Irish are you? My mother had been the first in her family family. I'm not the first in her family, but her generation was the first in her family, obviously, to go to college. She had really worked hard and she had become a lawyer. She used to sometimes talk to us about how we are not... We are Lace Carton Irish. My brothers and I, my sisters would be sitting around being like, What are you talking about? What? She'd say, We are not triple decker Irish. She would have me- You'll come out of Worcester and become a Lace Carton Irish. No, exactly. I'd say, Mom, what are you talking about?

Because you moved to Brooklyn? Yeah.

Also, I'd look in the corner, it'd be like a ham hanging on a rope. My brother Neil was hanging off of it like a bear in the woods. I mean, all of our behavior, we would have potato fights. There was nothing about us that was at all respectable in the way that we behaved, but she was just willing it to be so.

Do you know what I mean? It's so crazy because when I heard Lace Kurt and I, when you grow up in Massachusetts, especially in our age group, like the fucking Kennedy's, right? Yeah. This is before RFK Jr. This is like when the Kennedy's were the Kennedy's, right? I still remember, actually, this is like one of my first memories as a kid growing up. I don't know why. It's the summer of '63. My parents couldn't afford to go back to Ireland when they came over in '49 and '50. They couldn't afford to go back. Then In 1963, it was the first time they could afford to go, but they can only take one kid with them because they didn't have enough money. My older brother, Johnny, got to go, and the rest of us got dispersed to other apartments as cousins.

Let's keep in mind, this is 1803.

We ate coal for breakfast. I remember that summer really well because that's the summer that JFK went to Ireland. I remember being at Logan and my mother and my father get on this plane with my brother, who I really hate now because he's going to Ireland. I got stuck with my aunt Betty, who had no kids and who gave me a Bible. It's the summertime. She gave me a Bible.

It was a summertime Bible. I had a good fund. Charlie XCX, summertime Bible. It's Bible summer. Bible summer. I don't know why that didn't catch on. She keeps flogging it and it's not catching on. Oh, my God.

I had to go to Mass every day. I had to go to Mass every day. Then she'd walk me over to where my sister Emre was at my cousin's, the Lucy's. They were a couple of blocks away, where all the kids were having a blast in their yard. She was like, I don't want you to get too dirty. We have to go back. I'm like, That was a month. But anyways. Also, Also, when my parents came back, which I still remember, that Kennedy was in Ireland, which was a big thing. But then he spoke at Holy Cross that summer, at the end of the summer. So he drove through the neighborhood with the cover on the car. Unfortunately, a unfortunate choice. In Worcester. There's nothing to worry about Worcester. He went to... Yeah. And that was three months later when he got killed. And I remember that because I remember the nuns telling us to go home because we went to school in the neighborhood where we lived. So I think I was in art class, I think, that day. We were in art class, and the nuns were like, Everybody go home. We're like, What?

Because they knew the- If a nun told me to go home, I wouldn't question it for a second.

Wait a minute. Are you sure We can't have more Catholic instruction because I think we got 40 minutes left. I just got a new- Sit down, Mr. O'brien. I just got a new Bible. I just got my summer Bible.

I got my summertime Bible. That summer lives in my… That was It was so horrible living without Betty. Oh, my God. She dressed me up with a tie every day in the summertime. Oh, my God. It was horrible.

Mass every day.

Mass every day. I didn't know they did that. With this stupid fucking Bible.

Did you ever Did you ever question why you were chosen to go with Betty and the other ones got to go there?

Because she didn't have any kids, and they felt bad later when I asked them, but they were like, We wanted her to have a kid. But why did you have to go to Betty?

There must have been a reason.

Because I was her godchild.

Oh, there you go.

And fucking husband. That's a sacred bond. Her husband was dead. You drew the short straw. Oh, my God. It was so fucking horrible. Anyways, but thank God, I lived past it.

Well, she's here today.

Let's bring her out.

She's 100. I'm still alone.

No, it's so funny because there's this-There's no-There's this life that I knew growing up, and it's everyone's Irish. Everybody's Irish. Everybody's Irish and Massachusetts. We don't get to choose what our makeup is. That's just what we are. It's so interesting to me how comedy, I don't know, it just felt like a cellular thing. It didn't even feel like a choice. It's just something- In your family, I know from what I've heard you say before, I know in my family, this is true.

My parents were really funny. All my aunts were really funny. Everybody was sarcastic. I'm sure your family was the same.

Same thing. Really funny stories and people just laughing their asses off around the table, eating some of the unhealthy food that you can imagine.

Oh, the worst. The worst. Oh, my God.

I keep waiting for the surgeon general to say, You know, ham is fried ham with butter. Oh, my God. Is actually lengthens your life because then I'd be in great shape.

I remember there was an Italian family that lived next door, the Karellis. Their mother used to cook. While you were out playing football or baseball or street hockey in the street in the summertime, she would come out with homemade pizza. I mean, just unbelievable. My brother and I, my brother ended up marrying an Italian girl. My brother was like, Mom, Mrs. Kirelli makes the best. She's like, I can make pasta. I can make spaghetti. We were like, Oh, please don't. One night she made this. I'll never forget this. I loved her. I loved my mother. She just passed away this year. She was 98. She was lucid right up to the end. But she was an Irish cook. You know what that- Yes, I do. Boil it. It's like that. You remember Don Gavin, the comedian from Boston? Yeah, of course. He had a great line one time. He was like, I was eating my mother's food, and my brother turned to me and said, This tastes like shit. I went, You can taste it. That sums up Irish fruit, right?

What I remember very clearly is my mom would say, she used to make spaghetti with meat sauce. What she thought was spaghetti meat sauce. Basically, what it was, was many packages of hamburger meat that are fried up in a giant, and then you put some pasta in there. I don't even know if there was sauce, But for years, and I loved it, but I thought that that was spaghetti with meat sauce. When I finally left home, and then I'm in New York, and I go to an Italian restaurant, I think I was berating a waiter. Like, Sir, there should be six hamburgers. There should be at least three pounds of ground beef that's been fried in this. Basically, I thought it was a burger.

And there's too much flavor. What's going on here?

Why do I suddenly taste things?

Why does it taste good? It was great. Also then my brother married an Italian, and there was a lot of Italians in the neighborhood. There was Armen in our neighborhood. It was crazy. We went to the same school for 12 years, right? So you had all these different Puerto Ricans, these different kinds of food. And every night you're eating stuff that you can't taste. And then on Fridays, when they have fish, it's fish sticks. Fish sticks. Oh, my God. My dad putting ketchup on the pasta.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's- I mean, what?

Where do we live? Listen, go out the back door on the porch and look across at the porch, across the alley. There's Puerto Rican people eating really good food. Can we go over there? The Karellis right over here. Oh, my God. My father ate, literally, he ate meat. Everything he ate had to have meat. Bacon and eggs, steak and eggs. He smoked five packs a day. I shouldn't even I smoked for 52 years.

Well, I remember very clearly getting the talk show and doing the talk show. It's like two years in, it's starting to level out. It looks like I'm going to make it. I went to some with my girlfriend at the time, some fancy resorty place in California because I had a week. I think I had a week off, which never happened. We went out, and I think it was north of San Francisco, right on cliffs. It was a very It was supposed to be a very wonderful, health-conscious place. I'll never forget, I went in the morning to get my breakfast, and they had laid out this table today that I'd be delighted with. Fruits, granola, different juices, all that stuff. I started to get mad, and I was holding my plate, and I was shaking. I was so mad. My girlfriend was like, What's your problem? I was like, No. There's no eggs. There's no bacon. She was like, Hey, chill.

No, no, no.

Then I went outside. I put the plate down. I walked outside, and I started kicking a tree. What?

I was so mad. You were like, At what age are you at that point?

I was like, 32.

Oh, my Hey, listen, I'm with it.

Because, and keep in mind, at that time, I went and got a cholesterol test, and they said my cholesterol was like 350. I remember having this image in my head that if I stopped fast at a traffic light in my car, a cholesterol me would come crashing through my chest because I was made of fucking cholesterol.

But it's not your fault. That's your parents and your grandparents. It's Ireland's fault.

But this morning, my wife makes granola. I put some berries in there. That's what I had this morning. But I still, when she's not looking, put six slices of ham. Ham on a rope.

I love bacon, man. I love bacon. And by the way, I love Ireland, but I've got a lot of cousins there, and I'm shooting a television show over there.

Yeah, I want to talk about that.

It's funny because my generation, two of my cousins, took over the family farms, which are very close to each other in Killarney. My mother and my father met in Killarney. It's so interesting because healthy food, like many other things, have come to Ireland. Ireland is doing great financially, and it's film and television industry is booming there. As I've grown up, Spanish food and all these other kinds of food have come into... Even in Killarney, you go into Calarny, you can get French food in Spanish, which is fantastic. I went, this is not that long ago, 15, 20 years ago, maybe, went back to Ireland with my mother, and we went to a restaurant in town, a bunch of the cousins of my age and their kids and my kids. It was this really nice Spanish restaurant, which I'd never been to. They're like, It's great. We get there, and my uncle Dennis, who I'm named for, my mom's My brother and my mom, it's like 20 people at the stable. We go in there and we order, and I think they're ordering. Then next thing I know, we're all talking everything. One of my cousins comes in and he's got fish and chip bags from the fish and chip boys across the street.

They're just dripping with grease. Brown bags. I'm like, This kid's going to eat and hands a bag to my mom and a bag to my uncle Dennis, who are way down there. I go to my cousin, Mahal, I go, What's going on? He goes, Oh, they won't eat the Spanish food, so they're allowed to bring in fish and chips. I go, Ma, she goes, I'm not having this stuff, this Spanish stuff.

Everyone knows Spanish food is awful.

She literally, she wouldn't even eat a Italian food she didn't like. She was like, meat, potatoes. When I lived in Charlestown- Also, we're like vampires when you show us a vegetable. When I lived in Charlestown, My girlfriend, my wife now, we have my sister and Maria and my mom over because my mom was in Boston getting some health stuff done. She steam some salmon and some broccoli and some potato dish, and she served it. My sister Emory, my mother, we're all talking everything, so they bite in, and my sister Emory goes, Hey, this broccoli, it's hot. Oh, my God. Emory goes, And it's green. My girlfriend And Anne goes, No, I know, Anne. I steamed it. And she goes, No, but it's hot. And she takes her plate and my mother's plate and goes into our kitchen in the apartment and reboils the broccoli.

Yeah. I I understand.

It was the same apartment where my mother literally... My mother said to me one day, she goes, She was there. When we were growing up in the '70s, my parents got the avocado green refrigerator and stove. You remember those? My mother's in the kitchen of that apartment, and she picks up an avocado, and she goes, Now, this is an avocado, right? This is like, This is 1985. This is an avocado, right? I go, Yeah. She goes, Yeah. I go, What? You've never seen enough? No, I've seen avocados. I'm just saying that's an avocado. And I go, Yeah.

She goes, Spoken like someone who really is around avocados a lot.

I'm like, Ma. I said, When we were growing up, didn't you have an avocado-colored She goes, We had the color design in the kitchen was avocado, but I wouldn't eat those things. She goes, They're so greasy and soft. I'm like, Oh, my God. Greasy and soft. Who would describe an avocado as greasy?

And also So people who eat grease. Eat grease. Ma, it's green.

You came from a green day. Emeraldile. It ties into our whole... I remember saying this to my mother. I can't. My mother said this one time, this kid that we grew up with one of my best friends, a raging alcoholic, died from alcoholism, very young. She goes, This is just a theme. You don't recognize this one. I go, Yeah, so listen, he's coming over. He quit drinking. This is at her house in Worcester. He's coming over, he quit drinking, so don't give him anything. She goes, Okay. He walks in the door, he says, Hi. He sit down. The next thing I know, she cracks a beer and puts it in front of him. I go, Mo, what are you doing? Of course, he's like, Hey, like this. She goes, Why? I go, He can't drink. You can't drink. He goes, I know. She goes, No, that's just beer.

Yeah. Beer doesn't count.

Guinness doesn't count. Bier doesn't count.

No, Guinness is like a glass of milk.

That's growing up. It's like a loaf of bread. Oh, my God. He can't be an alcoholic. All he drinks is beer.

He had 35 beers. He's okay. He's driving a school bus in the morning. He'll be all right.

My brother, I would be in a car or a van with my brother. When we were in our 20s, and he'd have a cooler full of beer, and I'd be like, You're driving and drinking beers? He goes, Yeah, it's not like I'm drinking booze.

What is happening?

He's You know what's so funny? Where are you from? You know what's so funny? Where are you from? This all makes perfect sense. It doesn't even sound like comedy to me because we're like two fish and you're describing water. These two lizards over here are going, Water? Water? I'm like, What are you talking about? Of course, no one would have a hard vegetable. You need to boil that shit until it's a paste and it's gray.

I have to tell you, a gray paste. It's so pretty. Because of my algorithms on my Instagram feed on my phone, every day comes up comes class. From last night, there was one this morning I said, People fighting at a hockey game in Massachusetts, right? A kid's hockey game. The one this morning was, you see these two guys go, Oh, yeah? Say it again. Say it again. It's a girls' hockey game. You could see the girls stopping in a class. Then you see a woman coming. A woman, of course, it's Massachusetts. She hits the first guy. Hey, you shut up and leave him alone. There's always a woman. Every girlfriend I had that was from Massachusetts could fight. The Nebraska sisters. Oh, my God. You did not want to mess with them. Now, it's crazy.

These are kids' hockey games?

Kids, oh, yeah. Last night.

Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say fans from Bruins and another team.

No, it's Massachusetts. If I can break out at any time.

But you know what's interesting is the whole culture, there's something in the whole culture, and it's in the it's in the comedy scene and everything is just this. People think of like, New York is tough, and you think, Yeah, Boston. You could almost... People have gravel when they talk. It's in their persona. It's in their language. It's everything is very abrasive. I remember we used to have in early days of late night, I would have all these Boston comics come on, and some of them, you'd have a comic on who had only been in the clubs in Boston. I'd be there and I'd say, All right, everybody, and now we got a great... Here he comes. I'd throw to his brand-new comic in Boston. He's been a big deal in the Boston Comedy scene. Here he is. A guy would come out and he'd have his hat pulled down over his eyes. It was pure vitriol and anger. I remember my audience be like, Jesus Christ. Make that monster go away.

I know. It's so crazy. It's so crazy.

Because they had grown up in a sea of lava, and this was their first time out.

That's one of the most amazing... I mean, there's a lot of great comedians over the years, from my generation through Bill Burge's generation and even now. But I went to college at Emerson College with Stephen Wright. In college, Stephen was the shyest human being on the planet, but really funny, quietly, It was really unbelievably funny. When he started doing stand-up, that was one of the reasons I got into it, is because somebody told me, Hey, Steve Wright is doing stand-up after we graduated at a Chinese restaurant in Cambridge, where there's a talent. I was like, A Chinese restaurant in Cambridge where there's a talent? Steven Wright? And I went, and he was so different from... Lenny Clark was hosting that show. That's how I went.

I was going to bring up Lenny because I saw him at the Cam Neely thing. Lenny Clark, just this absolute Mount Rushmore icon of of Boston comics, and I loved hanging out with him because it was like, I'm so glad he's here. He was really funny.

He's like the Fred Flintstone of Boston comics. He literally looks like Fred Flintstone. Come to life. He talked. He's really loud. He's a great actor, too. But this is the way he talks. He loves you. But he was hosting that show, and it was a talent show. Steve Wright was just so... His jokes like haiku. It was so beautifully written. But he was the only person like that. Bobcat, Goldthwait came out of my agenda. Everybody was a laugh. Bill Burr. Everybody was sarcastic and loud and quick. The crowds were tough. But Steven, to this day, he's a diamond.

I always think if Steven's standup was always these jokes that are polished stones. They're really precise.

Some of the most famous ones, like small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Yeah.

That joke is just like, what are you talking about?

You're coming up in that scene, and I know that you were interested. When you're at Emerson, you're interested in comedy. Yes. You started a comedy group that's, I think, still going today.

Yeah. The Comedy Workshop.

You knew this is something I'd like to do at a very early age. Yeah.

When I was growing up, my dad was a mechanic by trade, but he was a great musician. He played in Irish bands and he played accordian. After a wedding or any big family event, people would come back to our apartment and eventually the house we lived in. My dad would play accordion, and there was always music in the house, but my dad was and my mom, so fucking funny. So It was funny and so sarcastic. The moment you walked in the door from school, What the hell are you so happy? They would start in on you. We were all funny in response to that, naturally, as you know. Then when I was a kid, a teenager, I saw fucking Monty Python and Richard prior, almost like the rebellious new Richard prior, like 1972, '72. Then George Carlin, and I was like, What the fuck is this? Monty Python just fucking made our heads explode. I mean, that was crazy.

That was the nuke. I've told Eric Idle this a million times. For me, anyway, that was the atomic bomb blast. That was the Oppenheimer moment of, Oh, sketches don't have to end. Well, and so it was. I guess we really are the fat head family. And then the curtain comes down. They just blew everything up. It was a lovely way. It was crazy.

They were like the Beatles of comedy. To this day, nothing has ever done that atomic thing. Although I did prior and Carlin, especially Carlin, because he was talking like he was in the neighborhood. He was talking about Catholic school and nuns and seven Dirty Words and all that stuff. Then I was like, and then Saturday Night Live happened. And that first cast, and I was like, Balushi, especially. I was like, What the fuck is this? It's still true. At that same time in music, I was more of a Stones fan. I don't really remember seeing the Beatles on TV and stuff, but I like the Beatles. But David Bowie. The first time I saw Bowie, I was like, my brother and I were like, What is this? Which was that just music.

I was like, he's androgynous, I'm androgynous. I remember that really clearly. You felt seen. I felt seen for the first time.

You felt the first time. David Bowie was singing to you. And he was also saying, Hey, Coney, you want to try this outfit on?

Yes, I do.

And yet he still seems tougher than me.

Oh, he beat the shit out of me along with the Sikorsky twins, whatever their name is.

The Sikorsky twins.

No, but it's interesting to me that you see that happening. You start this group, and then you start getting up on stage.

Well, to be fair, though, The group was started by me and a bunch of other friends of mine at the time because we couldn't... The juniors and seniors would get the acting roles, rightfully so. Before they graduated, you had to wait in line. There was a seniority system. Everybody had to play a major lead role in a play or a musical before you left the school to get your degree because it was acting and writing. We got there and we were like, We're never going to get on stage. Then we found out you can get money from the student government to form a theater group. We were all comedy nerds. We loved SNL, which is the beginning of SNL at that time, and Python, Prior, Carlin. We all loved those shows, like the Mary Tyler, all those funny women on the Mary Tyler More show. A bunch of formed the group, and it was packed with talent. Lauren Dombrowski, who was my girlfriend at the time, ended up being one of the producers of Mad TV. Mario Cantone was in the original group who was as funny at that time when we were 18 years old as he is now.

There were so many talented people in that era. Then there was a couple of guys later in the comedy who worked up who ended up writing on the Simpsons. John Frank.

I know John Frank.

He's hilarious. At my generation, after I left the comedy, he worked up. Then it was David Cross and Laura Keitlinger. I mean, there was an insane amount of talent at that school.

It still is. I have to say I'm often back there in Boston. A lot of my siblings live around the area. I find myself in Boston a lot. I'm always talking to people who are really sharp, really funny, and then it turns out they're Emerson. Emerson, there's Something in the water at Emerson. So many great people have come from there.

Well, it's the type of kids. It's the theater kids from high school, the funny kids from high school, the best dancers, the filmmaker. Those are the kids who go to a school like Emerson. You're finding people more like yourself. In high school, I was really funny. I wasn't going to make it as a hockey player, but I was really funny in the back of the class. Then I was trying to make my friends laugh, but I didn't think that was going to turn into something. But here we are. You're covering up pools. I'm your guest. You own a building. You own a fucking building.

I own a building.

I had nuns who told me I had one Spanish nun, and she was right in her way. I flunk Spanish twice in high school. She's like, I'm just going to give you a passing grade to get you out of the building, Leery. She was like, What are you going to do with yourself? What's going to happen to you? You're not going to go anywhere. Hey, sister Judith Kappenman. That was her name. Nice. Sister Judith Kappenman.

No free rides.

Yeah, no free rides. Don't mention her. Right somewhere right now, Jean Simmons is going like, Why did he mention her? Why should she get a free ride? She's a Catholic nun who's probably dead.

Why should she get a free ride? Listen, she has to be dead. She has to be dead. She was like 90 then.

You say it like someone who hired three hitmen. She has to be dead. I've hired the best seven times.

You know that that really is the same nuns and the same priest for 12 years. There are nuns where I'm like, Is she dead? She's got to be dead, right?

She's got to be dead. That's not a good sentence. She has to be dead. She has to be.

How could she still be alive?

No one provides a car bomb like that.

We put her in a barrel with some cement blocks, and we dropped her in the Mystic River. How is she alive? We drove her to Chalestown, threw her off the bridge.

You know what it reminds me of in the Godfather, the first Godfather, when Salatzo finds out that the Dawn is still alive. They shot him, and he goes, He's still alive. He's still alive. It's bad news for me and worse for you if you can't make this deal, Tom. But I always is like a... It's a thing in my brain, Still alive. That's what you're... They're going to come and tell you, No, she's around. She's 150. Still alive.

But I tell you, there was one great nun there, and that was the theater nun at St. Peter's.

I love a theater nun.

She put me in plays, and I loved it because the hottest girls were in the plays. Eventually, my brother and all the jocks were like, Yeah, we want to be in the plays, too, now and hold the girls and everything. But she- Hold the girls? Yeah, because Hey, are there any good holding plays?

How much holding is there in Othello? That's how they rank the plays.

No, because she would tell you, Grab her by the bosom and by the rump and lift her for the dance room numbers. I want that part. I told my brother and those guys, they were like, What do you mean? You get to grab? I'm like, Yeah. Anyways, Bill Murray told me the same story.

I love a whole acting philosophy around as much grabbing as possible.

Bill Murray said, I heard him tell the same story one time. He was at a Catholic school, and a nun made him be in a musical. He went in, and it was the hottest girls, and he was like, What is this? Anyways, that nun, Sister Rosemarie Solomon at St. Peter's, and that wasn't a great student, she said, Listen, I took a night class at Emerson. I have connections there. You just audition. You do a written essay, and then you do a live audition, and you can get a scholarship. That's how I got the scholarship at Emerson. She got me the audition. That's how I got into Emerson. It changed my life. I stayed friends with her till she died. She followed my career. She was a great nun. But there was a lot of nuns that I literally still think, Is she alive? Is she out there? Because they were so fucking mean. They were just like a cult of angry fucking Fucking women who just hated fucking kids. Okay, that's all the time we have.

They could hit you. This microphone isn't working. I can't even... My microphone is- You're sure he's still scared?

He's still afraid. No, he's still scared.

I'm terrified. Nuns of the Cenzacle, when they were the It's a habit. The thing is, you have to remember, there's the habit, which is black. It's scary. It's a Marvel Universe villain.

No, they were literally villains. You weren't allowed to have pierced tears, and this A girl showed up with pierced tears right at the beginning of after the summer. You're changing classes, you're all in the hallway. We heard this scream, and this nun had torn this girl's earrings out of her ear, so she's bleeding.

Oh, my God.

Threw the things down and gave her detention. They used to grab the girls and hit them on the back of their legs and grab them and measure their skirts. But they could hit you. When you went home and said, Ma, I got hit by Sister Judith Capman. What did you do? What'd you do? Yeah, what'd you do? What did you do? Sure you had it coming, which most of the time I did have it coming. But I'm just saying they didn't fuck. They fucking hit you. Sometimes they hit you just because they could.

To be fair, your skirt was the proper life. I got to make sure I mention... Oh, wait. Oh, my God. This show, Going Dutch, which you've been working on.

In my defense, I was wearing this skirt because David Bowie was so fucking good.

He was huge. I had a crush on this girl, Konan. Yes. Going Dutch. Because one of the writers who's helping me out, Skyler, is a fantastic writer, and he's been working for you. He worked on the show, and I said, How is it? He said, Oh, it's in Ireland. I said, You're shooting it in Ireland, which is not where the show takes place.

No.

But it's fascinating to me that, yeah, that's where so much production is done now. Yeah.

Well, we're shooting there because the show is set. It's based on a real army base that was in the Netherlands that got shut down.

It's a funny idea.

Because of Black market. Thrugs are legal, sex is legal, prostitution is legal.

You've been sent to the least necessary base.

Now, that base in real life is closed down. We're telling the story. Our military advisor was at that base. But Ireland matches the Netherlands in terms of landscape. We have villages where we can shoot. We shot it in Ireland so we didn't have to deal with the military or anybody in Amsterdam in terms of what we were going to do. But my son I developed that project, and he's the executive producer, so it's the first time I'm like, My son is my boss. But what is that? Which is bizarre.

What is that like your son telling you, Let's try it again?

It's interesting because we do a lot of improv. It's great writing, and the show Rerunner is on set, Joel Church Cooper. He's the guy that did Brockmire with Hank Azari. He's a brilliant writer. Some of the writers are on set, and their pages are great. So we do the pages, but then we always improvise from that. Sometimes Sometimes he comes in in the morning and goes, Forget the pages. I change my mind. Or we come in and go, Hey, what if we did... So there's a lot of improvisation. My son has a great sense of humor, and I trust him. He developed the material with Joel. He'll just come in like anybody else and go, Dad, that sucked. You guys were great. Dennis, you were terrible. Let's do something else. You try something else. You guys do what you were doing. Or he'll come in and go, Hey, Dennis, that was funny. You guys, that was great. It's like, I'm just another guy on the set. You see my son, he's huge.

He was backstage.

Yeah, he produces the concert.

Yeah, he was backstage at the Camogieley thing.

It's funny because I've been looking up to him since he was 14. But he's 6'7, my son. When he goes like, Hey, that wasn't very funny, Dennis. I'm like, Okay, Jack. But he's got a great sense of humor. My son is really funny.

When I met him, he put his plate on top of your head. Yeah, he did.

It's so funny because- He was having a beautiful Caesar No, no, no. Because my son's name is Jack, and he's 6'7, and Cam Neely's son is also named Jack, and he's like 6'6. So the two of us are looking up at them. I think we have a psychological advantage, but neither one of us wants to find out. If we would actually win in a fight. Don't get into that.

Listen, I wish we could do this all day because this is not... I always say about the podcast, this is not work. I don't know what this is, but it is not work. And then there are days like today where it's just, I mean, you and I can finish each other's sentences. So I dedicate this episode to the Leeries in Worcester, the Reardons in Worcester, O'Brien scattered all around Massachusetts.

O'leeries.

Like a disease O'Leary's.

We found out when we were at commerce come home, because one of my sisters was there, I think we chased it down. Somebody chased it down to a Reardon or a Daily. There was a Daily on your- See, I don't know.

I never quite figured out what our connection is. We're all related somehow.

Your mother was a Reardon, right?

We all come from that same green rock.

We all look the same. You guys look alike. I know. Look at my legs start here. But I think it was that there's dailies, reardons on your mother's side, right? Yeah. I think there's dailies in the Reardon side, and those dailies came out of Cork, which is where the Learys were, and went into Kerry, and one of them ended up in Killarney. That's where I think it all connects up. That dailie was involved.

But some people think, Oh, so you and Dennis used to see each other at Christmas and stuff growing up. It's like, No. We didn't find out. We're cousins the way Sona and I are cousins. I'm You, please. I know. I'm so Armo. You have no idea. You are not at all. You're not a fiber.

Well, listen, we just tell you something about pure breads like us. Tell me. Okay, we can't go out in the sun. You're right. Don't put too much spice in the spaghetti. Don't put any. Don't put any. You know what? Let us boil it.

We'll take care of it.

We don't have drinking problems. No, we don't. We do not.

You just drink lots of beer.

Well, listen, beer is not alcohol. Again, we're back to this.

There's no alcohol in beer. There's no alcohol in beer.

Or Guinness.

Jesus. What's wrong with these people? You got to come back because this was really fun. I had a fucking blood. This is like, Hey, what's the language? I'm trying to reach children.

I didn't say motherfucker one fucking time.

You know what? God bless you.

And I didn't say cocksucker. Somewhere, some dead nuns are very proud of you.

Murdered nuns. Yeah. One of them started their car at the wrong time.

They're climbing out of the coffins as we see. There's no way she's alive.

Not after what I done. She can't be alive. All right, Dennis, go with God. We'll see you later. That was awesome.

That was awesome.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Cessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Leal. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our Supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our Associate Talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/konan. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.