Transcript of Johnny Knoxville

Hello, my name is Johnny Knoxfield, and I feel harder than a turnbuckle about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

You know what? I think you just may have had the best one ever.

Would you prefer harder than a folding chair? Because I can switch. I like turnbuckle.

It's got a nice... It's really... Let's say poetic. I want that on my gravestone, harder than a turnbuckle. And soon.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can Hey there.

Welcome to Konan O'Brien Needs a friend. Joined by Sona Moussessian and Matt Gourley, still out on a parental leave. He has a brand new baby. Very excited for him and for his wife, Amanda. He's got two girls now, which is just lovely. And David Hopping, filling in for him. David, good to have you here again.

Thank you. Happy to be here.

Nice to see you. David, you love your reality television. You just love it. Yeah. Explain one thing to me because David loves the show Traitors. Yeah. And so I checked out the new season of Traitors because someone I knew was a contest on the show, and I thought, I just want to see what this is like. And I've seen it before, but I don't know what the strategy is on a show like that. I I was watching Traders, and I thought, Isn't it? They all act like, Oh, I'm going to really practice my wiles and my expertise, and I'm going to win the game. I think it's not like chess. It looks like people are just doing stuff, but I don't really see a strategy, and then they get voted off or not. It feels random. Am I wrong about that?

They're supposed to really be paying attention to people to slip up. If someone is a traitor, I'm really watching to see if she messes up and gives me clue that she's the person going and meeting at night to kill people in the castle.

Well, here's why I watch. I watch because Alan Cumming saying the word murder. That is what keeps me coming back. He says it I mean, he must know it's working for him because his outfits are fantastic. They're just wonderful. He's just chewing scenery left and right in the most delicious way. But he manages to say, murder. Maybe every the other sentence. Yeah, it's so good. That's fun. Then people are doing stuff like they're running around and you've got to put this cantaloupe on top of that gravestone. Oh, no, not on that gravestone. It doesn't seem to... I try to figure out what it's all about, and I don't know. I don't watch it. What reality shows are you obsessed with, Sona? You know what?

I'm not watching reality right now. I like horny shows. That's what I do. I'm sorry.

You knew that about me. Heated Rivalry.

Well, yeah. Now I'm watching the new season of Tell Me Lies. Sona got me on that. David and I talked about that.

I don't know what that is.

Of course you don't.

How is it horny?

No, it's horny. There's sexy people sexing, and so I like it.

Is it full nudity?

No. Do you see things?

No, but just like- Yeah, it is actually. It's like soft core.

Not soft core. No, not soft. It's like there's stuff. You could see it, but you can't see it.

Yeah. You see the occasional butt, maybe a half boob.

Yeah. Oh, my God. You're getting really into details.

Can you draw what you see? Oh, my God. Can you just draw it for me? You can watch it.

You're an adult man. If you want to watch it, you can.

Sometimes my priest stops by. Avert your gaze. He's Father McNalte.

Oh, my God.

Reality shows. What's your go-to reality show? Is it Traitors or no?

I would say Big Brother, then Traitors, which I know Bley watches.

Adam watches Big Brother. Adam watches Big Brother. You're a Big Brother. I've never watched Big Brother.

I love Big Brother. I like traitors, too.

Here's what I love about Big Brother, which is it's in a house. The idea is it's people who are sequester in a house, and they don't get to see another person, period. None of the producers they see, all the camera people are behind one-way mirrors, and it's watching 18 people slowly lose their mind over the course of a season because the house is very big, and it's made for 18 people, but people get voted out every week. So When it gets down to six people in a house full of 418 people and they haven't talked to anyone else for months, it is insane.

Would you agree with that assessment, Adam?

I would. There's something really comforting about it. It's on three nights a week during the summer when a lot of the big sports are off-season, and it would be considered boring at times. It's people sitting around whispering on couches, whispering about strategy, but there's just something passive and enjoyable.

Yeah, it's better than to your loved ones or reading a really good moving book. No judgment.

They also have a thing called Big Brother After Dark, and they have all these camera feeds where you could just, when they're not on the show, you could just watch them unfiltered. I used to put those on and work out when they were working out in the house. Like you have a friend? Yeah. I had a friend because I live alone.

Can I just say, first of all, it's just for voyeurs, I think. In my day, you had to go out and do your own peeping. I I think that's one of the things we've lost in America is you had to go into someone else's yard and you had to hang around near the shrubs and then peek in through their windows and hope that someone was undressing. That's the stuff that I thought really was the fiber of this country, the backbone. I peeped all through my teens, my 20s, my 30s. I leered, I ogled, I peered occasionally. Those were things that taught me valuable life skills. Now people are just, Oh, I don't have to do that. I don't have to even leave my house. I left my house, wandering at night to try and find houses that were brightly lit, where people were possibly undressing, maybe on the first floor, or if it's on the second floor, I had to go up a drain pipe. This is stuff that taught me to be resilient.

You really had to put the work in.

I got my arm and hand strength from climbing up the sides of houses. Then the policeman would show up and they'd say, Hey, we've got a peeper. Then I had to haul ass. I had to scurry down and I had to run. That old cherry top would come after her. They would say, Peep-a, peep-a, stand still. I had to run. I had to really run and run and run. Then I'd get home and my mother would say, How'd the peep and go? My mother said, How'd the peep-and-go? Tell me how'd the peep and go tonight? I'd say, Ma, I got chased by the fuzz. She'd say, Oh, have a fried ham. I'd chow down, and that's just how things were in my mind.

Now we can just put on Paramount Plus.

You ever do any peeping there, Eduardo? Back in my day. No. No. Never.

No. Fuck. No. Don't play along with this.

Anyone here want to join me on this paper thing? You're the only peeper.

No.

You're the only peeper. I'd peep to the right. I'd peep to the left. I was really good. I used to not be able to go to the left, but then I learned how. Oh, good. That's good. Goals. Anywho. Happy for you? I'm a good peeper. I just love seeing peeper now. Today's guest co-created and stars in the MTV series, Jackass. This guy would appreciate my peeping pass. I know he would. Now you can I don't know. William hosting the Fox series, Fear Factor, House of Fear. He just announced that a fifth Jackass movie is on the way. That's good news. Later this year, we're thrilled he's here. Johnny Knoxville. Welcome. I've always been an admirer of yours, and you have a special place in my heart because in another lifetime, you were on an episode of The Late Night Show that we then decided to turn into Claymation. It was an episode where I think you were the first guest, and you were great. It all happens in claymation later on. Then I think Richard Lewis comes out and starts talking about Shaq's penis.

Just goes off the rails. It was wonderful.

It was wonderful. When he goes off the rails, and at one point, I stand, this is in the real show, I stand and I say, Walk with me, Johnny, because he's He's showing on this long... He says he saw Shaq's penis, and he's describing it, and I walk with you, and I put my arm around your shoulder, and you and I walk to the fake window and look out at the fake window while Richard Lewis is still talking about Shaq's penis. And then this all What happened in claymation, which made me so happy because I'm like, Walk with me, Johnny, and it's not good claymation.

And David Bowie's there. And I think he was on the couch. I don't know if Richard Lewis starts going off in front of him.

I don't remember. It's all a blur.

Yeah, because that's the first time. I think maybe the only time I met David Bowie, and it was like, this is one of the best nights. Because after we filmed, you're like, Wow, that was good.

We wanted to do a Claimation episode, but we wanted a really great episode that would be visual and funny to see in Claimation. And then that was the episode, we decided, oh, it's not going to get better than that. And then it was so much fun, but there were so many times, the weirdest times, I'll be brushing my teeth and I'll hear, walk with me, Johnny. You and I go into the window to look out. So weird, but you've always been an amazing guest and a true, true to your ouvra, your work, a real showman. And so I wanted to start with, I don't do this with every guest, but you have such a fascinating career arc. Do you know what I mean? Just absolutely fascinating.

Why did you do quotations when you said career co-name? I'm including myself in there, too.

No, no one sets out to have a career the way that you have. I just think there's so much that's brilliant about it. Then you're so effing likable. So You ride that all along, too. That is, I think, your secret sauce. But how does one even begin to become a Johnny Knoxville?

Well, you don't go to college, that's for sure.

And you just get on the 10 West.

Okay, step one, if you're listening, don't go to college, then get on the 10 West.

It's fast, faster, and disaster.

That's how you do it. You started making these videos on your own, right? We're going back to what, in the late '90s?

Yes. What happened was, honestly, I moved out to Los Angeles to become an actor for just two months or maybe a month after high school. Didn't do a lot for five, six years. Then my then girlfriend got pregnant, and I'm like, Oh, I have to do something quick because that's the most frightened I've ever been because I had a little girl on the way, and I'm waiting tables, and I'm like, I got to do something quick. I was living next to Antoine Fouquat in this duplex, and he set me up this casting agent who got me a commercial agent, and I started writing for magazines. My version of a participatory journalism, like Hunter S. Thompson type of, I was like, How about if I... One of my first articles was How about if I test self-defense equipment on myself? That was my best guess at how to support a family. It was all out of fear of how to support a little girl, honestly.

I think you describe that leap as if it's an honest, natural progression. Well, a kid's on the way, and I better start to get serious here. It's time to test self-defense. I'm almost killing myself.

Time to shoot myself in the chest while wearing a bulletproof vest.

That will provide security. Yeah. So you start doing it, and then you start making videos.

Well, when the only magazine, a few magazines around town wanted that article, but none of them, they wanted to treat it as a negative pickup. Come see us after you're done. And then the only magazine who would help me buy the stun gun, the taser gun, I bought the bulletproof vest with money my mom gave me for Christmas that year, was the editor of Big Brother magazine, Jeff Trimayne, who is now the director of Jackass. And he had a skateboarding magazine owned by Larry Flint. Right before I was writing, I said, How about if I write the article and Jeff goes, Why don't you film it at the same time for our skate video? I'm like, Okay. That's what happened. Of course, I went to the... He's like, I'll have Dimitri go with you to film it, who's now the director of photography of Jackass. I pull up that morning and I'm like, Get in. He goes, Here's the camera. This is play, this is pause. It's got film in it. I'm like, You're not shooting it? He's like, No. Because there's a gun involved. He didn't want. He didn't want to be there. Nobody wanted to be there.

No one wants to be there. That's why the camera works so shaky with that.

You start making these things and then you get a chance to make a show for MTV. I didn't know this. At the same moment that you have this deal to make a show and you're about to make the show, out of nowhere, you get this offer from Lorin Michiels at Saturday Night Live. Yeah. I never heard that.

Nothing was happening in my life like two or three months before. I mean, the wonderful things with the family and the kid, but professionally, nothing. Then it's like, I have a TV show. We're about to shoot the pilot for MTV. Then, like you said, Lorin Michiels comes calling and we go meet at the at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where fear and loathing did begin. It was a lot because I had no gigs before this, and he's offering me a spot five minutes on Saturday Night Live each week.

Not to do characters and things like that.

No, to do what I do, make a video each week. I really seriously considered it, but I ended up thinking I would go on there. I'm not going to have any creative control whatsoever. I'm about to do this other thing with me and my friends, where I have all the control, and I'd rather bet on us than enter into that. I'd been lucky to be on Saturday Night Live, but I chose that.

No, I mean, obviously, you certainly didn't make the wrong move there. You got to be the master of your own universe by doing Jackass, as opposed to being a small piece of a show where you have very less... Sometimes we're not going to your piece tonight. It didn't make it, or, We're going to hold on to that. That was the right thing to do.

Well, I didn't think so when the pilot, while we were shooting the pilot, it got shut down, and I'm thought, Oh, man, we're canceled. This is not even making it to the air now.

Why was it shut down?

We were filming a bit in West Hollywood at this hardware store, which I think is a restaurant now, Laurel Hardware.

It's both. You can get hardware and food. Wait, Great. I'll have the steak chacha and the rake. I'll have the rake as well.

I walked in, my face was all dirty in a prison orange jumpsuit, and I was handcuffed, and I was trying to get them to help me saw the handcuffs off. They cleared out the place. Everyone was scared. I realized at one point, I'm out there on the saw section, and there's not even my camera man are around. I'm like, Well, shit.

I love that you're committing to the bit, and there's no At one point, I'm sawing and it goes right on my wrist, and it was very close to...

Then I heard the cops coming. I'm like, Well, I better get outside because that's where the cameras are. I run outside, and right as three or four carloads of cops are pulling up, and the first lady on the scene, she gets out of her car, tells me, Get on the ground, and I abide by what she's saying. But she didn't put her car in park, and it runs right into a telephone pole in front of me. I'm on the ground, you can hear me go, Oh, no. Because now they're mad. Mtv couldn't shoot in West Hollywood for over 10 years after that because we didn't have a permit. We didn't know you permitted to shoot these things.

You didn't have a permit?

We didn't know what a permit was.

That's so fantastic. You You are giving credence to this idea that I've had for a long time, which is that if a camera is going, I will do things that I won't do otherwise. In a Jackass way, I have always, if there's a camera rolling, I'll say, and there's a potential for people to be laughing and for it to be recorded, I will do things that otherwise I'd say, Oh, no, I'd rather not. I I eat bugs. We'll talk about fear factor, but all the stuff you guys do in fear factor, I lose common sense if I think there's a potential that people would see it and laugh. But you're talking about situations where you're invoking The police are coming, people have guns, and they can very justifiably say, a guy in an orange jumpsuit came running out of the hardware store, and I discharged my weapon. And then it's like, Oh, that's too bad for that guy making a pilot.

That's what the lady told me afterwards, the female policeman, she goes, If you would have just moved a few inches while you were on the ground, the guy was going to get away, I would have just put a bullet in your ear. I'm like, Well, I'm glad I just laid there. I said, Is this the weirdest call you ever had? They said, No. One time, a guy was on PCP at the top of a palm tree, buck naked, and slid all the way down.

Oh, shit.

Which we tried to convince one of the cast guys to do, but no one was up for it.

That is either extremely painful or an erotic thrill. No. No? No. Okay.

But the laughter thing you're talking about, I don't know how to write to make like, wow, what would America think's funny? That would make make me freeze. But so with Jackass, I only know how to make my friends laugh. If they're laughing, probably we're good. But if they're not laughing, we're probably shooting again.

There's Jackass itself, then, and it's not always you doing the stance, obviously.

You get your friend so that you can, it seems to me, distribute the pain and injury.

Yes.

So that it's... And it's a huge sensation. And then Jackass, the movie. I remembered seeing that and just being... Because I remember thinking, how do they do this now? Because the TV show has so many iconic moments. How do you do a movie? And I thought you guys made great decisions when you made that movie. Oh, thank you. And I don't know, because you upped the a little bit, but you also have production. You know what I mean? It's not just the show. It's on steroids and more presentational. What was the thinking behind the movie?

Well, the thinking behind the movie was we did, they called it three Seasons of Jackass, but it was 24 episodes and over a series of 9, 10 months. We had, unfortunately, a couple of copycat incidences. It was an election year, and Joseph Lieberman came down on Hollywood. That was his big platform, and me personally in MTV because of that. So it became impossible to do Jackass. We had all these safety OSHA guys on the set. You can't jump off anything more than 4 feet. And I felt like this doesn't feel right. What we do is really silly, but it It means something to me. I'm like, I think this is the end. I gave an interview to my hometown newspaper and said, I quit. Everyone was surprised because I just went rogue. There was a lot of heat back and forth. Mtv was upset because I was under contract, yada, yada, yada. A lot of back and forth. Finally, idea for a movie was floated, and Jeff and Spike came to me and said, Well, how about if we just do a movie instead? I'm like, The idiot I am. I'm like, Who's going to play us?

And they're like, no, no. You idiot.

Is it a love story?

A naughty version of the TV show. I'm like, Okay, got it. So that, I was a little confused, as I often am.

But I felt like there was a time when South Park made a movie, and I thought, well, this Traditionally, when TV shows make a movie, for many years, it was the rule that it's a bad idea. You know what I mean?

Justin and Kelly?

Okay. Almost always a bad idea.

That's the first one that popped into your head.

Justin Garini was just here.

I'm not the butchest guy to come along the block.

Well, anyway, great poll, by the way. But I remember South Park made a movie, and it turned out like, Oh, yes. Excellent. Then you guys made a movie, and it felt like this time when people were making the right call and it was actually translating. I'm curious. I think about there was, whatever, 30 years or 28 years there where I was doing a show and always saying yes to things because I thought it would be funny. I got tossed by a water Buffalo once and fell up into the air and fell onto hard concrete, and it stopped. Wow. I jumped on a water Buffalo when that was not what I was supposed to do. And all my common sense went away. And I think about that all the time. Now I'm thinking about your life where you have a montage playing in your head of things you did where probably halfway through you thought, This is a terrible idea, but I'm going to do it anyway.

Well, it's like, This is a terrible idea. I'm so glad I'm doing it. We're about to get footage. And by the way, I've always wanted to get hit by a water Buffalo, so I'm envious. I'm sitting there like, Oh.

I'm glad that you look up to me that way. So are there things that stand out to you now that you are this silver-haired, wise Patricia? Are there things that stand out to you now where you go like, Oh, my God, That was a terrible idea.

I don't know.

Do you have any regrets at all? I wish I hadn't done that one.

Well, yeah. I mean, we've been going back looking through some old bits, and you're like, Oh, that... But not like anything for my physical safety just because they all can't be hits. Then I'm like, Oh, man, we just... Even watching the first movie, it's almost first Jackass movie, it's so tame into what it became. But I don't regret any of that. It's just what it was. I'm watching myself do pranks, and I just I watch it and just go, Why did I do that course of action? Why couldn't I have pivoted into the... We all do that. I just like to beat myself up a little.

We all do that. We all look at past work we've done and have regrets. But for you, it might be, why did I light myself on fire?

The two faces out of the tube, Konan. I can't do anything about it now, so I'm all right with everything.

That's good. Are you in pain? Do you walk around in constant pain?

Sometimes, but I'm not... It's not even a joke. I'm not really in touch with my body. Me neither. I can just deal with whatever.

It's funny you say that because My least favorite question is if I go to a doctor or something and they say, Now, how does it feel? And I go, I don't know. I just want to get to the grave. I hate when they're telling me or whatever, you get a massage and they're like, Now, how does this feel? I'm like, I don't know. Leave me alone. I'm trying to get through life. You know what I mean? I have that feeling. And so when you said that, I was electrified.

Yeah. I don't know. I did this to myself. So what am I going to do? I'm not going to complain to anyone. That's what it is.

Yeah, that's true. I hadn't thought of that. Most people that walk around like, Oh, man, my hip. What happened? Oh, just all those years of working at the plant. And for you, it's, Well, I strapped myself to a rocket. I had it fired into a concrete wall like Wily Coyote. And it's hard to be It's like, Oh, man, that's tough.

Yeah, what happened? I know exactly what happened.

We have footage. We have six cameras. I can prove it. Wow. Yeah, it's incredible. It's so interesting to me, too, that you've referenced Hunter S. Thompson a couple of times. Someone I had the honor of getting to interview, I think, twice. And your interest early on in writing. Do you know what I mean? Those are things that I feel very connected to. Hunter S. Thompson was someone who put his entire himself and his body and his sanity. He poured it all into his work. It's fascinating to me that in a way, you are in that vein. Do you know what I mean? You're saying, Okay, here's my body, and I'm going to put all of it into what I do. It's going to go through this this grinder, but that is my work.

Yeah, that was my best guess, honestly. I love Hunter. Two books change my life early on, on the road by Jack Kerr. We were in a bar with my cousin, and he hands me the book. I didn't know people lived like that. I'm a small town in Tennessee. Everyone lives there, stays there. Then I read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas when I was 19. I felt like I didn't know anyone I could write like this and be so free. After that, I was useless. It's like my path was set, I guess.

That's so funny. Those are a time in your life. I think I had just moved out to LA, 22, and I'm just only reading fear and loathing books. It just spoke to me. Not that my life matched that in any way, but it takes you over in a way that... At my age now I don't know that it would. I'd like it, but it wouldn't inhabit me the same way.

In actuality, if you're living like that or your friend's living like that, it's so fucking exhausting to be around. Sure. I've had some friends who are just... I mean, Steve, he was off the rails just doing the worst drugs. You can get your hands on PCP, those nitrous canisters. It would be a sea of nitrous canisters at his feet, and it was exhausting. I mean, he'll tell you it was exhausting, but now he's doing great. He's been sober for well over... We put him away in 2008, so 17 years or something.

That's incredible. Good for him. Yeah.

People ask me, Well, would you say something about it? Bravery. I'm like, That's bravery. He has to face that dragon every morning, and he does, and he's doing great, and I'm really proud of him.

It is the most impressive thing I see people do. It's just amazing that you can give yourself another chapter like that where it's like, Steve-O, can I get you anything? Maybe do you have hibiscus tea?

It takes you four seconds to stand in front of a bull, but he has to do something like this. He has to face bulls all day long.

Yeah. Do you ever get, when you're with all those guys and you guys together, are together Do you ever have the thing of, Guys, keep it down. You know what I mean? We're not that anymore. Keep it down. I don't want to make too much noise tonight. I got to get to bed. It's 9: 15.

I wouldn't even know how to go about trying to quiet them down.

You can try.

Tranquilize it.

I think everyone becomes worse in those situations. If someone tries to, I don't think I would do Well, here we go. When the cameras are off, especially early on, it was way worse than when the cameras were on. Is that true? Yeah. They're very excitable.

It's like you're talking about gremlins. Don't get them wet.

Don't get them wet with whiskey because they're very excitable.

It's funny you brought up safety coordinators or people that are there to make sure that everyone's behaving properly. Yeah, the times that I've been on a set where I had to do the most tame thing, literally the most tame thing, go through the ceiling of the show The Office and land on a desk that's just three feet below me on Dwight Schrute's desk. It's just a little drop down. At the time I'm doing it, I'm 40, and I'm just throwing myself around all the time because I'm a big kid. Someone's there like, Let's talk. I know. Let's walk through this. Now, we're going to hold your body in six different places and slowly... You got to buy me dinner first. First, and then they're going to slowly. Then we've made the desk out of a special foam. I'm like, Guys, I grew up in a big family, and all we did was toss each other off of staircases. That is my way of most I have a comedy idea, the first thing I want to do is pretend to punch somebody, and then I'm thrown through a glass window. I like that stuff. It's fun.

I think I am not body aware in the way that I'm going to do something still at some point because I just think I'm having fun and I'm being funny and I'm goofing around and I'm going to forget that I'm 85 years old.

Are you auditioning for the new Jackass movie? Yes, I am, actually. I have to say I am. Hello, my name's Colin Brian.

You know what? I would. I would do it. But it's just him falling out of bed. No, I think I would do it. Yeah. A big stunt for me is behaving myself in a crowded theater. No, I swear to God, there is a wish fulfillment with me. That's why I get so excited. I'm obviously a big fan of yours and the stuff that you guys were doing. There's always been part of me. It's funny. To me, it's the yin and the yang. I am very cerebral and cautious and all of those things. Then there's the flip side of it where I like it where I'm not in control. It's a relief from the other guy. Yeah.

I'm cautious with my kids, right? I'm like, Oh, but- That's so funny. I was like a... I'm a total helicopter parent when they were little. I'm the guy underneath the- That's hilarious. The monkey bar trying to make sure they don't fall.

Just you lecturing at A 19-year-old. Now, listen, I want you to have your head strapped on right tonight. You have an and iron sticking through your skull. A bicycle? Are you kidding me? A bicycle? No way. You're going to wear seven helmets. I love all of that. That's fantastic.

I know. I do, too.

Well, I want to tell you, they let me watch the new Fear Factor. They gave us a link to it, and I really enjoying it. I have to say, getting you as the host was a stroke of genius on somebody's part.

Yes, I'm very happy. I had a lot of fun. But I mean, it's not too much of a pivot from what Jackass was, except if I can't go at these people like I do mine.

You're dealing with civilians here. Yes. These people have pride, a sense of self-esteem. They want to live in society. They can use tools to make other tools. They hunt and gather.

Walk on their hind legs.

They wish to procreate. It's fun because I also love that you get to be around it. It's really fun that they're doing all of this stuff, and you're there wearing one of these fantastic fantastic polo sweaters.

Oh, thank you. My wife was my costumer, Emily. So thank you.

But you're always there like, Enjoy. And you become the Ricardo Montalban on fantasy island. It's like, you don't have to break a sweat. And you're like, all of you, get into the giant meat grinder, and you're there. You know what I mean? You've earned it. It feels like you've really earned the right to be that guy.

Yeah, it's fun. When people display fear in an entertaining manner, I'm here for it. I thought I was going... I first got the gig, I'm like, Oh, man, I'm really going to make their life hell. I got excited, and that's never good. But then as I got closer, I'm like, Well, these are different. There's money at stake, and they're trying... These people actually do have phobias. So I was like, Maybe I just It felt more natural to help them through it. But I still gave them hell. But mostly, I enjoyed both things.

It sounds to me like you've started to develop empathy. I did.

I even teared up a couple of times in the show. Because you see these reality shows and people cry. I'm like, Everyone's fine. What are you crying about? You just met this person four days ago.

I can't feel my legs and you're crying.

But then a few people left the I'm like, I don't know. I spent too much time around my mother.

That's very nice. Well, I'm curious if do you ever get asked to come back and speak at your high school or something? Do you know what I mean? Because it's a strange thing to Because you've been extremely successful and iconic, and now we'd like you to speak to these young people.

Like an anti-validatorian?

Yeah, exactly. Do as I did. Here's what I find worse. Cautionary tales. Screw college. Don't go to college. Fire a nail gun into your anus.

Hey, that's not half bad.

That's good. Oh, I could be a writer. If you guys won't let me be in the new Jackass movie, I will be a writer. Has anyone ever fired hot lava into their urethra? Lava from Mount Etna. You guys are like, Konan, no, it wouldn't It would evaporate the tissue around it. Okay, I'll keep working on it. I come in with really giant classes. I'll keep working.

Konan, I'm just spitballing here. No, I have never been invited to speak before. I love that. Or high school, college, and I don't blame them.

No, I don't know. Well, I think you'd be a great... They should. They're missing out on a great speech. I also was telling you, I'm obsessed with the new fear factor house because there's... Reality shows always take place in a house. It's always a similar-looking house. I don't care. This house is a house that's absolutely stunning, and it looks like the richest man in the world lives there, and he's got taste. It's beautiful. This house, where is it?

It's in West Vancouver. It is a beautiful place.

They have all these shots of it, and I just keep thinking about, I want to be on the show as a contestant because I really want to try this lava thing. You can do that on your own. I know. Trust me, I have. It's getting the lava hot enough. That's a problem. But I also love that house.

Well, they do celebrity Jeopardy. What about some celebrity Fear Factor at some point?

I love that.

Dame Judy Dench getting shot out of a cannon.

I was trying to convince the show Traitors. I'm like, We should have a Jackass Traitors because all the things that you need to possess to be good in that show, none of us have. We'll be physically attacking each other. We can be pranking.

I love that. You go into a show where there's strategy and psychology, but you just start firing nail guns.

No one's going to want to walk down to breakfast and open the door. No one's going I don't want to touch the door handle.

The genius behind... I mean, Alan Cumming, watching Alan Cumming say, murder, is the whole... I watched that show just for... His costumes are fantastic. Oh, yes. But no, you, Fear Factor, coming into other shows, and I think, like Password, just- Just like it. No, Jeopardy. Just shows where it's very intelligent shows where people have to use their knowledge, but you guys are just smashing everything.

You could really amp it up for the celebrity fear factor, too, because these people know what they're getting into and they're in the business. So just hand me a pen and a piece of paper, and yeah, that would be fun. Just writing bits.

Okay. I'll produce this with you. Yes. I'll take very little money, and by very little, I mean 80%. Yes. That'll be my biggest stunt. He's doing a fear factor show with you and getting most of the money. That'll be a pain like anything you've ever felt before.

Well, that may come at a price. No, I don't target. I can only target the Jackass guys.

There's a trust. Obviously, there's such a trust and there's real friendship there.

In a couple of times, I targeted a friend that was not part of a civilian, and it just hurt his feelings. I'm like, I'm never going to do that again.

Isn't that the worst?

Yeah, that was...

It is interesting you bring that up because they always say it's always it's funny until someone gets hurt. I always think it's actually when someone's feelings get hurt, the bottom falls out for me. Unless the person is pure evil and deserves to have a hurt feeling. But other than that, the times I've done, anytime I've done something and it got back to me, Oh, no, someone heard that joke and they were sad, I'm like, oh, man, that's the worst.

It sucks the air out of the room. And then you feel I just like, I'm a monster. I was doing things that not even like one-tenth of what I do to the guys, but still I was like, okay, I'm not going to target anyone else. I can save it for my fellows in now Rachel Wolfson.

When is the next movie coming out?

June 26th.

Okay. Are you doing any stunts in the new one or do they cut to a dummy?

Well, I mean, they always cut to a dummy. I can do stunts. I just can't do anything where I get another concussion because I've...

How many have you had?

Sixteen.

Do you know who I am right now?

Yes, Andy. I don't care about a broken arm or ankle, but I just can't have any more concussions.

Yeah, I think that's a wise course of action.

I feel like I did my thing. I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

That's good. I mean, if I saw you in the shower, I wouldn't be horrified. There's not a- Well, I think you probably would be. My God!

I didn't know it could be so small.

There's just a big piece of torso missing, and you don't even notice it. You keep little knickknacks in there. You keep Hummel figurines and a little alarm clock in there.

Pull my arm off to get my back.

Hey, Connie. Hey, thanks a lot. Hey, this thing's great. I love it. What is your now commitment to the Fear Factor show? You're waiting to see?

Yeah, I guess it comes out tomorrow. Tomorrow? Yeah, the 14th.

Yeah, the.

It's really fun. Thank you. I'm hoping. I had so much fun. I'm hoping they pick it up. It seemed to do good on the sneak preview on Sunday.

The only thing that... There's a lot of stuff that I don't worry about, but insects creep me out. I don't think I have a phobia about it, but I just always... A hairy spider, to me, is the worst thing in the world, like a tarantula. An that has hair creeps me out. But then again, if I was on camera and there was a studio audience there and people were laughing, and I knew they'd really laugh, if I went for it, I'd pick one up and start licking it as it stung my tongue and filled me with a heart-paralizing venom. I'd look at the camera and go, Daddy likes his gom-gom juice. Then I would die.

The thing about those hairy spiders is the hair gets in your eyes and it feels like asbestos. What?

You're talking from experience.

No, you just can't get it. It just itches. You can't get It can't get it off of you.

That's funny. I can bring up anything to you and you're like, Here's the thing about a rhino horn in your ass. It's funny. But you don't know. The horn is waxy, and then you can't get the wax out of your ass. Anything I bring up, you're going to go, You know, it's funny.

Bull's horns are very dirty. That's when people get gored before penicillin. That was it for them. But now they have penicillin, you can get gored pretty much all you want. Do you ever-What? There's one Matador. I can't remember his name. He's been gored 63 times. It's crazy.

When he gets a drink at a bar, all this Oldest bit in the world, but I love it. I'm fine. Look, look, look.

He's my favorite matador, hands down.

But you know, it's funny. I think of a germophobic matador as a really funny idea. He doesn't mind getting gourd, but he keeps trying to use a wet wipe on the horn. His cape is a big wet wipe. Yeah, It's like, It's less cool, Diego. I don't care.

You got to wipe the bull's horns and hooks before he gets in the ring with them.

Well, this has been a blast. It's been really fun. Thank you. I really enjoy you on the new Fear Factor, and I just love talking to you. Thank you. You are just an infinitely charming fellow. And congrats on the new movie coming out and that you're thriving. It's just really... And that you're well, you're happy, you're here. You're able to move about. Oh, yes.

After I finished the last Jackass, I was so happy. I'm like, I'm still walking. I'm good. But thank you. You've always been so kind to me. Oh, my God.

You're kidding? I'm a big fan, and thanks so much for doing it. I really appreciate it.

You were talking about all these safety guys when you're shooting something. You got to get really shady safety guys. Our safety guys are the shady. It's just a little tip before I go.

There's no union.

Oh, no. But our Alligator expert, Manny, who dives in swamps at night with the miners light and pulls alligators up from the bottom. Jesus. He's a wonderful man. He is Tarzan. But he's our safety guy when we work with alligators. You filmed those safety meetings before, and they're like, Okay, Manny, tell us, what's the plan here? He goes, Well, Steve-O will be in there with an alligator, and if the alligator bites him, hopefully he will let go. All right, let's shoot.

That's good. You need a very shady Yeah. Safety guy who probably wasn't a safety guy a month ago.

You need a pretty good safety guy.

Okay, I am sitting here with Sonam Ofsessian. Yeah. And normally now I'd say Matt Gourley, but he is out on maternity leave.

P Maternity. He's a man.

I'm going to stick with what I said.

Oh, you're going to double down on it?

Yeah, he's on maternity leave.

Trust me. Okay.

All right. He got his knickers in a twist. He's out. He had a beautiful baby Bibi Girl now, and very happy for him. Filling in for him is David Hopping. Now, this is a rare occasion where both of my assistants are sitting here with me. You've got Sona, assistant since 2009. Yeah. And David Hopping, when did you really take over as my full-time assistant?

2021. 2021 when the boys were born.

That's right. Okay, so you've both assisted me, and I thought this is a great time to ask you guys some pretty blunt questions. It's not your fault. You have to be honest. No, seriously, you have to be honest. Okay. You mean we don't have to try to protect your feelings?

No, just go for it. Because we try that all the time.

We really want to make sure. No, I think this is a good chance to know more about me. I am not in the least bit defensive. I'm an open book.

This is going to be fun. It's going to be fun. Can this be a 30-minute segment?

I'm curious. Stona, what was your least favorite thing to do for me?

The least favorite thing to do.

The thing that when I asked you to do it, you really hated it.

Apologize? Is that one? Can I say apologize? When I messed up and you were just like, Can you just feel bad about not doing something right? Because you wouldn't do it. I know. That's your thing. But no, I think- No, wait.

Well, say you screwed something up, which didn't happen a lot. It did.

We made jokes, but I got things done.

Yeah, you got things done. But when things would go terribly wrong, and I would say, Oh, come on, Sona. You'd say, Yep, that happened, and you would just plow ahead. All right. Sometimes, I'm just being honest, I would try to get you to apologize or say you feel badly about it, and you wouldn't. I know.

Okay, you know what? That's a good answer. But also, I'm trying to think of things I did regularly that I was just like, every time you would ask me to do it, I'd be like, Oh, God.

You know what?

Honestly, I can't think of anything where I might need some time with it because- You liked shaving my back?

Oh, God. You enjoyed that? Oh, God. Because I didn't think you would.

Don't put that out there. I don't want people to think that was going to happen, whatever happened.

You had the longest shave her in the world. She was on the end of a pole. Like back? Oh, yeah. She would be maybe 35 yards away from me.

Those gripper things?

I was horribly cut up whenever you would do that because you were often on your phone while you were doing it.

I know. I think that You're not a very high maintenance person.

I don't think so. I don't think you're high maintenance. But now we switch it over to, David, what do you not like to do for me? Or it's a drag. Be honest.

I mean, let's see. We're Where do I start?

Sorry, I just remembered. I don't know if you have this, too. There's times when there's something you ask us to do that I think we know you can just do on your own. Then I lived in Pasadena, and you'd be like, Can you just come to my house at 9: 00 in the morning to help me with this thing? I'd be like, You know how to do that? But not have to be in traffic for an hour and a half.

It was usually, How do I read my email?

Or, How do I get into Netflix? You can You never get into Netflix.

Now, in my defense, it's very hard to get onto Netflix. I mean, next to impossible. You have to be a brain surgeon.

Although I do want to say I think I got hired because of things so I didn't want to do, like running the errands and things is why I even got a job.

That's true. That's true.

Yeah, that's actually true. My various creams and bombs, ointments and salves.

So many creams. And balms. And bombs. Salves.

Yeah. Emollients. Yeah. Gels.

Yeah. So I'm I'm grateful for that. I know.

And it was job security.

When do I get one? I know.

An assistant. When do I get an assistant?

Oh, my God. When you have an assistant, that is the end.

I'm going to start a nationwide search.

That is the end of days. I think, yes, the tech stuff. I'm constantly, I don't belong. I should not be living in this century. It's like I'm an 18th or 19th century man. I think I would have been uncomfortable in the 19th century because they'd be like, Hey, can you pull that crank and make that steam-powered thing work? I cannot do it, sir.

We'd have to drive to you.

Tis witchcraft. Talk to my assistant into Pasadena. Pasadena? No one lives there. That's not in I'm not admitted yet. Oh, my gosh. Look, in my defense, I abhor technology. Yes, I think that's probably the worst is when I call you up and say, I don't know how to take a picture with my phone and then send it to someone. It's not that bad.

Which you've done a million. But sometimes you're in your head so much about something you have to do that you do forget very basic things.

This is something that Sona was really on top of. She would always say, I'd call her up, and I don't think, to be fair, I don't think I would make you drive from Pasadena to my house.

You didn't do it often. No. But there were times when I'd have to be there. It's my job.

I didn't know when I was making a sandwich, if the bread goes on top.

You forgot how a sandwich works?

Yeah, and I needed you to be here to show me. So I was like, get here, fast.

Well, yeah. And also I liked going to your house. It's fun there.

It's pretty nice. Yeah, it is. All those portraits of me. The statues in the yard.

Yeah, I love seeing that stuff.

Yeah, me on horseback naked. Oh, God. I say shave the back of my statue. You know what's so crazy is that I would call you, Sona, and I would say, I can't do this. And he would say, Yes, you can. You have a phobia about it. But it's very intuitive. And you would coach me, and I would realize that I'm very tech phobic, and I will think, I can't do this. This isn't something I could ever figure out in a million years. And because of you, I do try a lot now. Before I call anybody, I try to see if I could figure it out. And then when blue foam starts coming out of my device, I know it's time to get David on the horse.

I'm really proud of you. He learned how to put things in his calendar on his own.

Hey, you're doing it. Good job, bud.

It's like we're talking about a one-legged turtle. That one A turtle. He learned how to make a poopy.

Good for you, Mr. Gibles.

I'll take it. All right, this is a serious question. If my life was in danger, would you put yourself between me and the danger? Sona.

You know what? Would I sacrifice myself for you? Yeah.

Would you sacrifice your life for mine?

I probably would have before I had kids. Now, I won't. But I honestly Honestly, there were- You're fired.

No, but I was going to say that's crazy. Well, no, but also- What do you mean before I had kids?

I know. I'm not secret service. I'm going to jump in front of a bullet for you. But I think that I would have I think that, and I don't know if you feel this, too, the need to protect you and make sure you are good is more so within the two of us than it is in a lot of people. Yes.

I give you a lot of credit for that because all joking aside, there were times when I was on tour in 2010, I remember, I think I was in Eugene, Oregon, and we did a show. And afterwards, I said, Hey, everybody, meet me at this. There was a sculpture or something of a big red wagon. I said, Everybody, meet me there. I really went there because I wanted it to be like an Andy Kaufman happening. There was a huge crowd there, and you were with me, but then it was just so many people. You got sucked into this crowd. Sucked into this massive crowd. And then I saw you later back at the hotel and you were freaking out and you were mad at me. You were like, I didn't know how to protect you. I said, That's not your job in those situations. That's my job in those situations.

That's true.

But you're very... Yeah, you've always... Look, all joking aside, I love you and you've always been... You take really good care of me. Yeah. David, not so much.

There it is. Here we go. Hey, we were in New York and you cut your head open. Excuse me.

Are you filing? What are you doing back there? I'm sorry. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

I'm getting all the ads ready for after this.

Can you not do that right now? Yes. I'm sorry. I keep trying to remove paper from people. I'm sorry. Gourly was doing it the other day, and now you are I'm sorry. I think you're putting your thesis together. I didn't realize you were at Princeton.

I should have done this outside the studio.

Would you drop it on the floor right now? Drop it. God damn. Sorry about that. I'm trying to talk to you guys, and he's over here.

He's not going to jump in front I have a bullet for you.

I guess what? Guess what?

I wish you would because I'm hiring that guy now.

He's the one who's going to shoot you. That's right.

It's going to be the bullet that you shoot. I want you to shoot me and jump in front of that bullet, and all your papers will I'm on it. Okay, here we go. Oh, my God.

But David was saying when...

David, go ahead.

I was going to say we were in New York one or two trips ago, and I get a text from Liza that you cut your head open, and I ran to a CVS and got you all the medicine, all the bandaids. You did. I don't know where I'm going with that.

I know what I did. I walked into a low-hanging lamp because I'm a freak.

It's not meant for people of your height.

No. They hung a lamp and they thought, Don't worry, 99. 9 9% of the people won't hit this lap with the rusty corner. Yeah, I slammed into it and there was blood shooting everywhere.

It was bruised.

Yeah. But you did go get a bunch of poultices.

I got everything CV has had.

Various treatments, herbs, remedies. But would you, let's say the moment comes down to it and it's my life for yours, would you make the ultimate sacrifice?

This is a crazy question.

You know what? This should have been in the interview. Would you?

I think that we really won't know until it happens.

Okay. Yeah, that's a good answer.

It'll be a game-time decision. Yeah.

You just gave me your answer. What cafe are both of you working at? You know what?

I think we do need to stay behind to let Liza know you died.

This is so dark, but you're right. Yes.

You're right. How's she going to know?

You know what? You'll both be chomping on sandwiches when you call Anyway, yeah, you didn't make it. But it's really bad. No, I want hummus on the side. Hummus, hummus. I said it correctly. But why is it always hummus? You eat a lot of hummus.

I do like I do like it.

I mean, sometimes you don't even have hummus, but you have it in your pockets. You have hummus on you at all times. I wish.

I really wish. I wish it was like a bowl and I was just dipping pita chips in it all the time.

Listen, you guys are both fantastic. I will say that. I'll deny it. I'm glad this isn't being recorded. You're both fantastic. Why are we recording these? Let's get back to Blaze shuffling papers noisily off camera so that my ads are in the right order when I read them 20 minutes after we end this recording. Incredible. Thanks, both of you. Godspeed.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Konan O'Brien, Sonam of Cessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Leal. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/konan. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.