Transcript of Bley’s Fastballs Part II

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends.

All right, it's time for part two of what we discussed last week. It started as a massive argument. It was very We were all shouting and screaming at each other. But it led to Bley reforming his ways, becoming quieter, more soft-spoken, more thoughtful. Out of that new persona came a decent pitch. He said, Hey, Bley, why don't you repeat it?

My pitch was Oh, man.

He's still learning?

No, he's doing it.

I'm taking the- Don't listen to her. Last week, you guys said I should lean back and I should be softer and not grip the mic, and so I'm going to do that.

I hate this.

No, I like it.

My pitch last week was, You had said, You were in the movie, If I had legs, I'd kick you. It was a dramatic role, and you had said, You're not looking for any more dramatic roles. So my pitch was, Like Daniel Day-Lewis coming out of retirement, what role would you come out of retirement for to What new... This is not a good- I'm almost at it.

Oh, you know what? I'm almost at it. It's okay. You know what? This is a new persona, and those take time to get used to.

What dramatic role would you do next if you were to- We got it.

You could I've ended the sentence there.

Look what you guys did.

But I did it softly, right?

Look what you did to my boy. I did it softly.

You know what? I like it when you're inarticulate quietly. Okay. I'm just saying I did do it softly. Yeah.

And I leaned back.

Okay, good. Very good. We're done with that. Okay, sorry. Let's get on to the idea itself. Here's the idea. The idea involves me, and I think it's worthy of discussion. Well, famously, Daniel Day-Lewis has retired, I think, several times from acting. He's back again. When he does, he doesn't He doesn't just mow the lawn. He's very interested in, I think, making shoes. He's a cobbler. He's a cobbler. I've actually driven through the town in Ireland where he lives, and he makes shoes. If you can imagine, and he makes them the old-fashioned way. That's what's fascinating to me is that maybe our greatest actor in the world makes shoes when he chooses not to act. Let's have everyone imagine that I I completed my role in If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. I've retired to my small village, and I make late 19th century prosthetics for people who've lost their feet in a mining accident. That's just my hobby. People come in and they say, I lost my foot. I say, Ah, sit there and have some cider. Then I do various measurements. Then I- While they wait? While they wait. I While they're waiting, they have to live off only cider.

Then I go into the woods with a 19th century saw, and I pick out the best old tree I can find. I fell a giant tree, a massive, beautiful tree that's been around for a thousand years. Then I take one tiny piece of it-For a finger. For a toe that was lost by this guy. Then I go back, and while he's dying now, because it's been a while, I had to go to a tree in the Pacific Northwest, and he's Jersey, but I will craft that. That's what I do. But then one of my fans has a great idea for a role I should play, and it pulls me away from my craft, and I come back to the world of acting, and people are just as excited as when Daniel Day-Lewis reenters. Just as excited. I see. This is an alternate universe where that would be possible. Got you. Where you can fell a tree. Listen, I've read a lot of books, Sona. I've read a lot of books about manual labor. I just finished a book called Exertion, and so I'm quite It's important that when the time comes for me to do something with my hands or body, I will know how to do it.

Long hours in the libraries. That's what we're talking about, I guess, is what role What role would I do? I guess we're going to turn this out to the fans, right?

Well, we can do that, but we can discuss it amongst ourselves.

No, we'll discuss it first amongst ourselves, and then maybe it will end with a challenge to the fans. Tell me what role I should play.

Yeah, maybe there'll be some good ideas we can discuss at a further time. But the one staring us right in the face is that.

It's Pippie.

Pippie Longstocking.

Me play Pippie Longstocking?

Is that what you're going to say?

No, but that's pretty good.

Pippie Longstocking is, well, okay. Refresh my memory because I'm sure you're going to know about Pippie.

We've talked about Pippie an inordinate amount of times on this podcast for some reason.

We really have. Well, we have. There are certain topics that naturally draw humans to conversation.

Do you know that we talked about it so much so that they did a documentary on her in Sweden and they reached out to me because of this podcast, and I'm on that documentary talking about my experience with Pippie.

That warms my heart. Well, Sweden, we're thinking of you, and thanks for the work. Yeah, me to play How old is Pippie? Is Pippie in her 20s? No. Teens?

No. She's a kid. Yeah, she's like 12 or 13.

She's 12 or 13? I thought she was super strong.

She is.

Do they ever explain why she is so strong? I don't think they do. It's not like she's far from the red sun.

No, that's Superman.

Yeah, okay.

She just got magical strength. It's just like wonderful, youthful.

Wow. What a great origin story. Hey, this is who I am. Quit asking. I could be wrong. I don't know. How did Green Lantern, Hey, This is what I do. Leave me alone.

My experience with Pippie is only the dubbed American versions of the Swedish movie, so I don't even know.

Well, anyway, no, it's not going to be Pippie because I don't think I can play an 11-year-old girl.

The one I was thinking of this year, specifically, they have to cast a new James Bond. I'm not suggesting that. Okay. I'm just saying, let's take it off the table.

Well, are they looking at long in the tooth Irishmen who We've lived in America for a couple of hundred years?

I guess, Piers Brosnan is a long in the tooth Irishman. They could just go back to your home.

Can you be suave and British?

Oh, come on.

Do you even do a British accent? I've never heard you do a British accent.

Well, first of all, does he have to be British?

Distintively so, yeah. I mean, that's the one thing he has to be in the British.

Look, they know that they're going to make changes. Bond has to change with the times, right? I'm thinking of a Bond who's from just outside Boston in Brooklyn, Massachusetts. You're not far off.

They considered Burt Reynolds. They screen-tested James Brolin. Is that true? They considered Adam West at one time, too. Oh, my God.

Well, they dodged some bullets there, probably. I love those guys. I love everyone you just mentioned. But yes, it has to be British. No, there's no way I could be James Bond. Because, yes, I think I have the suave sophistication, and I think I have the temperament. I think my scenes would be quite unusual. I love that my Bond would be a Bond who, anytime he has to use the gadget, calls Sona and asks Sona how to use the gadget. Where's his cue. Yeah. But in real time, I'm fighting the Russian agent, and I call you to figure out how to use the thing in my watch that turns it into a garret so I can strangle him, and you have to walk me through it while I download the app.

I don't pick up, and then Then- I call David. Then you call David. David doesn't pick up. Then you start doing all bits on our voicemail, and then you die.

Yeah, this isn't- It's going to be the shortest James Bond movie. Sounds good. Yeah, but then the end of the movie is just playing all the bits that I did on the phone. You mean like, cannonball run bloopers style over the credits? Yes, exactly. Just bits, bits, bits. People say, The movie is terrible, but stick around for the credit bed because those bits with Sona and David are are okay.

All right, so let's take Mond and Pippie off the table as much as we don't want to.

Yeah. My question was if there was a biopic you would do. Oh, right. Then I thought, Oh, but then you'd want to be like Lyndon Johnson.

Slanderman.

I'm a treasurer secretary.

I'm a slenderman. No, I mean, that's a really good question. I don't know what historical figure I'm most like. I'm the exact height of Lincoln.

Speaking of Daniel Day-Lewis, though. Would you be ready to come on the heels of that recent film and try to one up it?

I have problems with his Lincoln.

I do.

He's a great, and I thought he nailed it in a lot of ways, but I didn't see him ever look to camera and make faces or anything. I didn't see him once.

That's what you would bring to the role.

I would step. Like Lincoln used to do. I do a lot of breaking the fourth wall. This is your camera.

Let's see a little Lincoln.

Well, I guess I got to go to the theater. Might not be a good idea, if you know what I mean. What? Do you know what I mean? Oh my God.

Lincoln knows what's going to happen.

Yeah, he knows, but he thinks it's all fun. Yeah. He's like, Let's go to the theater. I could get shot. Well, it's our American cousin. It's pretty funny. Maybe worth it. He knows what's happening. He's okay. Here's where I'll be sitting in case anyone's curious. Yeah. But I think there are many similarities between Lincoln and I, I think. We're both tall, rangey, sharp, cheekbound guys that just stepped out of the Prairie and gave a new hope of freedom to America. Oh, one idea is they get the opposites. They get two guys who are completely unlike each other to be in a cop movie. I've often thought, what if me and Oliphant were in a movie and it's a cop movie and he's Tim Oliphant, so he's incredibly cool, and he knows what he's doing. Then I'm the guy who, let's face it, shouldn't be there. It's that thing. What do we think?

I like this.

I actually really like that idea. Just so Oliphant can come in here and not pitch the movie, but promote the movie and stuff.

This is another excuse to have him come back. Does it have to be two cops? Couldn't it be that he's a cop and you're like an insurance adjuster that he has to, almost midnight run style, has to get you somewhere.

Guess what? How about this? Closer to reality. He's a cop. I know this has been done a million times as the actor who has to go on some ridealongs with him. That's been done a lot.

No, but not for a movie, has it?

Yeah, it has. I think 55 times. But anyway, that is not the way we go. I'm a podcaster. We take it home to what we actually do. It's closer to home. Yeah, this is good. I'm a podcaster or a former late night host. But I think podcaster puts us more in the zeitgeist.

Are you doing a true crime podcast where you've got to ride along with this guy because the case is about him?

That's the way to go. That's cool. But I'm a real... Yeah, exactly.

It's a did he or didn't he?

There's a level of threat. But also I've got my equipment, my podcast equipment. There's that comedy. There's me constantly bothering him. I'm thinking right now, I'm only murder in the building is about podcasting. That's okay.

Everything's about podcasting now, sadly.

Okay. That bumps me out. I know those guys, and some say I really inspire them. I think I'm- Sounds like they're inspiring you right now. Yeah. I don't know if I'm a podcaster then. I don't know. What about a journalist? Boring. Okay. Boring. Okay. Yeah. I'm a contest winner. I don't know. There's got to be a reason why a guy like me is writing around with Tim Holofent, who's a really good detective or cop, but we'll figure that out.

I know. But he has been accused of maybe some going over the line. He's a bit of a loose cannon. He's a quiet, cool loose cannon You're the IA internal affairs guy that has to follow him around to see if he's actually going too far.

Do you get loose cannon, though? I get- Well, when he's in here, definitely. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true.

But I don't mean loose canon that he's crazy, but like a Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon, he could crack or he could go too far and be a vigilante. He could administer his own justice, and you have to figure this out.

I'm just not sensing it. I don't think you have it. I don't think- Okay, but I just want to say that pitch was what we're trying to get Bley to do, right?

That style.

What do you mean?

Just Just how it was delivered.

You know what I mean? Yeah, that was very chill. Your pitch style was terrific. Okay, thank you. Your pitch style was terrific. The pitch itself was a rotted corn on the cob. That's fine. But I don't think it's quite right. Yes, Bley?

I have a quiet pitch, which is going off your idea, there is a hostage situation, and you're the hostage negotiator brought in, but it's your first day.

Okay. I'm just trying to think of something that jumps out at Studio Executives. And by the way, Studio Executives today who are on the ropes, what's working, nothing's working, and you come in, it's got to be something that makes their minds explode. Now, first of all, you say you've got Tim Olefent. They're interested. Then you say, Conan O'Brien's involved, too. They're very excited. You know? Very excited.

More so than Timothée Olefent. Is that what you said?

Listen, no offense to Tim Olefent. Tim's a good friend of mine. But yeah.

More excited. Okay. All right. I was going to say with your I'd rather the hostage be a woman so that they can do it. The whole thing is, how do we get Tim Elephant naked?

This victim hostage woman is going to have sex with her captor? That's the biggest case of Stockholm syndrome I've ever.

Can I just say no one who goes to a Conan O'Brien movie, expects or wants to see sex. This is for the rare moviegoer who hates the idea of sex and never wants to see it. Hear me out.

You're not in You're an extra. You're like, only show up for a second, and then the rest of it is people doing it with each other.

Then he's eventually cut out anyway. I think studio executives who are on the ropes right now are looking to maybe make the next heathed rivalry. Maybe it's a Conan with the oliphant, and you guys have a little romance.

You know what? So he's some athlete because he can pull that off. I'm a guy who was an athlete, but then fell into a vat of chemicals like the Joker, and it turned my hair red and He made me all stretchy and pale and long. Okay, this is good. Yeah. But when I used to be an athlete, we would pal around. But now we're together, and what are we doing together? Because He feels badly for me, and I'm comic relief. I'm hanging around. I don't think he could be a current day athlete. So he's a retired athlete, right? Because I think I'm looking it up right now.

I was saying that they do it. I was saying that even if it was a cop and negotiator situation, you guys are finding a way to do it.

Hold on. It's me and Tim getting it on because we're in love with each other. Did I also fall into a vat of chemicals? Yeah.

That's in every one of these pictures. That's a given.

That's for sure. Let's just say the way people buy me in a movie is if I fell into a vat of chemicals. That's crucial.

What about this? He's a veteran gigolo, and you're a gigolo in training.

Okay. Who fell into a vat of chemicals. For sure. This goes without saying.

This was every pitch we talked about from here on out.

He's the veteran, and he's training him.

No, no, no.

For some reason, he wants to create late-stage career change.

No, no. This is what happened. This is what happened. Okay. Tim is a roommate. I'm a podcaster, former Late Night Host who lives with Tim Olafand. That's not his name. His name is Chet Chesnik. Chet, We'll work this out. We'll figure this out. But Chet is a gigolo, okay? Okay. Then I've always been a little jealous of that. Then I fall into chemicals. There's obviously- The podcast bubble bursts.

You're dying and you just want to have a sexcapade. So you're like, show me the ways.

Okay. I didn't realize. Okay, well, there's dying. I was going to say I fall into chemicals. I'm in the hospital and they're doing rehab on me and they say, you need to find a new hobby. I say, well, my roommate is a gigolo, but I know so little about it. I call it gigolo. That's how little I know about it.

You pay the women to do you.

Yes. He's not just a John. And Tim is really... Tim is like, What?

And he gets arrested for soliciting prostitution.

And the movie ends.

No, and because- Then he falls in another vat of chemicals. Wait, the the police go to arrest me, I'm totally confused because I think what I'm doing... First of all, I know that I'm doing something wrong because I'm losing a ton of money as a gigolo, or as I call it, gigolo. Then the police come to arrest me, I run away, and while they're chasing me, I fall into more chemicals.

Yes, and the movie's called Gust a Gigalo.

Gust, I'm Gust a Gigolo.

Everywhere I, Joe.

Okay. I got to go.

It checks out. It checks out.

If you do the math. You know what? It checks out. If you have a piece of paper and you've just written rap and you're showing it to me, I guess it checks out. In the weird... Look, I guess it all checks out.

It checks out. It checks out.

It checks out. That reminds me of bad My least favorite thing about improv is when you go see improv and the people on stage are like, I'm in a chocolate factory. I make blenders. Wait, what? No, you don't. I'm your father. My father's dead. And they just look at the audience and the director walks out and goes, Ha, and scene. They nailed it. That's what you do when you hold up this wrap at that point. I disagree. Nicely done. Okay, let's put it out to the fans. If you think of a really good movie I could be in, and I'm going to even say it could be an existing franchise where I would slot in nicely. I'm serious. I'm not looking to do more, I think, and cinema isn't asking me to do more. But Should the right idea come, I might do it. Keep your heart open. Let's hear your ideas, fans. Okay, great.

To be continued. Konan O'Brien needs a fan with Konan O'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gourly. Produced by me, Matt Gourly. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Leal. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/conon. Please rate, review, and subscribe to, 'Conon O'Brien Needs a Fan' wherever fine podcasts are down.