Transcript of Bley’s Fastballs Part I

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends.

All right, we are fresh off a huge argument here in the studio. That was a brawl. That was an all-out brawl. Still smart. I'll tell you what was going on. Part of me wishes that we were rolling on this, but I guess that's expensive. Is that right, Eduardo? Is that why you don't roll on things that are really captivating? I try to protect you at all times. We were thinking about what are we going to talk about in this segment. I don't know if anyone else wants to agree with me or disagree with me, but I hope agree with me. Bley, you pitched an idea, and you were like, Oh, you guys could talk about... I said, Yeah, I don't know. And then you went, Okay, another idea. And then I said, Well, I'm Then you said, Hey. And a third one, and I said, Hey, just slow your roll, man. You were like, someone put 15 quarters into a pitch machine, and they were firing in at 90 miles an hour. I was getting hit by fastballs left and right. I was like, Calm down and let the creative process happen. Then I said to Sona, you said, Well, I'm not going to say anything.

I said, Well, no, it would be nice if you had an idea. Can we just clarify something?

This is a Thursday episode where we normally do a fan episode. We're trying to come up with- Listen, we ran out of fans.

We should just tell people right now. Worldwide, done. We're done. We talked to all 111 of our fans. That's right. Worldwide, some of them three times, then they would put on mustaches and different accents. We tried to fill it out as much as we could, and then we officially talked to the last fan, and we didn't have a fan this week. I think it's actually more complicated than that. Yeah.

We should say that that's what we're doing here is we're using this episode. We were first pitching ideas, and then it got into the talking about pitching. Then I have a quick question, what the fuck is a pitch machine?

Do you mean like a baseball pitch machine? Yeah, baseball batting cage. But then it's also like it can be double because he's pitching things.

Yeah, that's nice. That's a double meaning.

But I think you gave it more than he ever intended.

No, I'm sorry.

I think he tried to give both.

T. S. Elliott thought about his words before he put them to the page.

I mean, can we then talk about what Eduardo said?

Well, just a second. There's a thing that I'm sensitive to, which is having pretty much grown up in writers rooms and been in them all the time, you would get sometimes in a situation where one writer is like, Hey, we could do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah We can do this. We can do that. We can do that. I was trying to get to, Blake. I respect your ideas, and occasionally there's a good one, but I just thought you had to say, slow it down just a little bit. You are forcing all the groundwater out, and we need to just let it sit for a second and let the aquifer refill. I'm a master of analogies, and that's a good one. That's all I was trying to get to, Blake. I respect your ideas, and occasionally there's a good one, but I just thought you had to slow it down a bit.

Okay.

I do think- What was your third idea that I didn't hear?

Do you want to discuss your first two?

No, I don't want to hear the first one. He doesn't want to hear it. Those weren't good ideas.

See, you see it as, let's let the groundwater fill up. I'm saying I'm trying to throw kindling. Here's how I see it. Here's how I see it.

I see it as- You said, Here's how I see it, I think 10 times. But then you never say how you see it. How I see it is- Because you don't let him.

How I see it is this room is full of creative, smart people.

I don't see that. What are you looking at?

We're a bunch of mousetresses.

Well, I'm sorry. I don't have a mirror. Oh, my God. That one I'll give you. Come on.

He's got his glasses on. It's not funny. Oh, my God. He's dancing. Listen. I am trying to throw ping pong balls into the mousetrap room. Yeah, but- Then something bounces off something, and then something bounces off something, and then you come up with something great.

You can also... Just to help me with this. Pitch an idea, Blake, from now on, and then Count us 70. Seventy? I mean, 70 minutes. Then pitch another one. How about that?

You come from the no bad ideas brainstorming school, and I appreciate that.

Thank you. I come from the mostly bad ideas school because most of my career has been pitching and listening to bad ideas. That's just how it is.

You come from the shut everybody down at any term school.

Well, listen, I think that's a little unfair, and I'm ready for your apology now.

See? Shut me down.

But what we had talked about right before we were rolling was Sona said, I bet if Eduardo pitched the same idea, you would say yes.

Eduardo actually said that.

Eduardo said that, and I agree with that. I think you like Eduardo's ideas more than my ideas.

Listen to you right now. Listen to yourself right now, Bla. Listen to the tone of your voice. You lean into the microphone like you're a dog chewing a T-bone steak, and you shout. Now, Eduardo has something called EQ and Riz. I would do him in a Mississippi Minute.

Oh, my God. Well, now we have our pitch. You got to stop telling the people here that work for you that you want to do them.

You have to stop doing. You did it to David Melman. I'm not sure I do. You do it to Eduardo.

Yeah. No, you have to stop.

Why don't you go around the office and start telling people you don't want to do it.

Wait, here's a pitch. Here's a pitch. Heated Rivalry podcast, a podcast, Heated Rivalry. I'm in. You and Eduardo.

I'm in. I'm in. I will take the reins on that. I wish people could see what I see. Where's my camera? Right here? This is Bley. Look at that. This is Bley right now. If you can get our video, check it out. Blake grabs it and he looks at me and he says, Hey, here's an idea. Now, here's what I have found in life. If you start screaming and leaning into people's faces, they will retreat and ask you to be quiet. Here's what Eduardo does that I think gives him a sensual charm. Eduardo says things quietly, and he says them with a sense of self-respect. He You're changing yourself. He has a take it or leave it, we could do this. Whereas, Bley's thing is, I've got to get this used car off the lot immediately or everyone's going to die. And that makes people uneasy. Bley, you're the guy in the store following someone around saying, Can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you?

I used to work at Kmart, and I did do that. Yeah.

And you know what? You put Kmart out of business. They don't exist anymore. You also worked for Leach Mears, Sears, all those stores that went out of business in the '90s and 2000s, Bley worked there for a while, and they saw a sudden plummet.

You would have done so well at The Gap. I worked at The Gap in the early '90s, and they would force us to do that. I was so uncomfortable. I'd just go hide behind clothes because I didn't want to bother people.

I would respond to that. You would? I like when people have enthusiasm and come up to me excited about things. I like that.

I respond to that. Really? How much insurance have you bought?

I have 12 timeshares.

He was enthusiastic. I had to. Blake, and I'm not putting you down, but I think- No, what? I don't think I've said... I think if you look at the transcripts, I haven't said one negative thing about you. Bley, I'm not putting you down.

I'm passionately insulting you.

Do you agree that my impersonation of Bley's body language and tone is not far off? Do you agree?

I feel like it's a mean version of that.

Yeah, that's okay.

No, I'm Obama. I'm on team Bley here. You know what you do, which is something you do all the time, is you can go crazy. Then when you're talking about Eduardo, you take on Eduardo's like, you start talking more calmly, which Which is not how you talk during this, ever. Which is not how you talk.

You're not that guy. You're not that guy.

You're more like that guy. You're not that guy.

You're that guy. Sona, your argument implies that I'm in some way self-loathing or self-hating. You can look at all the evidence from a 40-year career and see it's just not the case. Eduardo, you continue to impress your spectacular- Come on. He's just got that. And guess what I'm wearing right now? I'm wearing a sweatshirt that Eduardo gave me. That's how much of an Eduardo fan I am. And you know what? I'd like to put on a sweatshirt. You gave me, Bley. But there isn't one.

I see what's going here. It's all about bribery. I get it. You know what? I'm going to get you a couple sweatshirts.

You do grab. You're not helping.

You're doing that. Did you say you just grabbed the mic and you swiveled it around to, and guess what? It's not even a swivel mic. You bend You went the iron bar and you pulled it around to you, but you grabbed it.

But Eduardo and I have to share a mic, and it's very- Why are you shouting?

Seriously. God, this poor guy.

Adam, you're at least fair. These two love to jump on the maestro. Does Blaze shout? Can he be a little loud?

I mean, it's not a question.

Of course, he shouts.

I mean, there's empirical evidence.

We have actual demand.

Yes, it's a fact. We're not saying he doesn't shout. What happens, Eduardo, what happens to your sensitive machinery when Bley grabs the and starts pitching with the microphone halfway down his esophage? I do have to ride Bley's levels constantly. That is technical proof. That's all that is. Now, I don't think you have to ride my levels nearly as much. Not as much as Blaze. Not as much. You know what? Blaze is consistently loud.

What's the spectrum of level riding here?

Hey, Blaze, you're consistent. All right. I'll take it.

Eduardo, what's the spectrum of level riding here in this room?

Who Bley is at one end. It's probably Konan who I'm writing, because you can get very quiet. When I have a great idea, which then happens a lot. You're dynamic. When I'm touched by God's inspiration, I tend to get louder, to really knock it out of the park. It might be one of the reasons why we're just adored and beloved, possibly. Or it could be our ads. I don't know. Take your pick. But yes, I know that I… Picts and values. I'm painting a picture and I'm using a wide range of colors on the palette. Yes. Meanwhile, Blaze, like I said, consistently at a high level. You know what you would have been great as if you could time travel an air raid warden in World War II in the Blitz? You know what I mean? People would immediately know we got to get out of here. Or a town crier. Yeah. Well, no, because no one would get to sleep. Town crier had to ride the levels, too. So this is a complicated conversation, and I am just happy that people get an inside look at our dynamic. Do we fight? Yes, we do.

Do we disagree? Yes, we do. Do I always win because I am Stalin? Yes, I do.

Moving forward.

Look at that.

Thank you. Could you give me some tips? Because I want to learn. I want to learn.

Keep it down. You're going up again.

It went up. I heard it, too.

I want to learn and be better. What are the top three things? I could just write them down. I have a little post-it note here. Then when it's time to speak up, I can look at the post-it note. What should be on the post-it note that I should write to remind myself to be better? What are some tips?

Well, Oh, my God. That's a big sign. Be Eduardo. Be Eduardo.

You should be asking Eduardo, not Konan.

Okay, touche.

Be Eduardo.

Eduardo, what are some things I could do to be better and not as annoying?

Take a deep breath. That's good. Seriously. No, there are people that wear a bracelet that says breathe, or they get breathe tattooed on their hand. I think you push a lot of air out. Look, I'll admit, Am I that different? No. Is there some thought that goes into it? Probably. But you're constantly pushing out, and I think you do need to take a breath. People can miss I can't believe that there's a desperation involved, which I don't think there is. You're not desperate. You've been employed by me for how many years?

Since 2001, so that's 25 years.

That's good math. Just take the current year and take one away. That's how I did it. You're awful. I just listened to what I said. Here's a true story. I just listened to that come out of my head, and part of my brain went, You're a dick.

Yeah, but then you smiled.

You took it as a compliment.

You took your whole insult as a compliment. That part of my brain is high-fiving the other part of my brain.

Oh, my God.

Wait, this is crazy. Two synapses just formed little hands and high-fived each other. That's so crazy. I don't think it's ever happened. If I was in it- You're two synapses just did those avatar tail fuck. No, if I was in an MRI machine right now, you'd see two parts of the brain go, form two gloved hands. Like Mickey Mouse, four-fingered gloved hands, and go, Good one. Anyway, I just think that's a really good... It's take a breath. All right. This isn't going to last. You know that you're going to go have... You're going to have a giant glass of Youhoo, get a sugar high, and start yelling again. Well, let's test it out.

Let's see if you can just go in the mode of Eduardo right now and pitch us any idea. Yeah, pitch us an idea.

But do an Eduardo style. And wipe all the sweat off your face.

I'm really sorry.

Well, Eduardo is not swaying. You look like you just talked a passenger who took over the helm of a 747 down onto the tarmac safely, and you're like,. Okay, let's go. Here we go. Okay. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, the new Bley. Hi, Bley. You want button up? Button up one. Yeah.

Okay. Let me wipe all this beer drop off.

Wait, button up? Yeah, button up. I'm doing what Eduardo says. Too loose. Hey, you know what I love? He is the sensei now. That's true. Eduardo is your sensei. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce- That one. Wait, not the top button? Oh, my God. He looks like every nerd in a nerd movie. Take that button off. Why did you do both buttons? There you go. Okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the new 2026, Bley. Hi, Bley. How are you?

I'm doing great.

Good. That's very good.

Thank you. Not an asthma breath.

Really? It's a cough mic. Oh, oh, yeah. I'm doing great.

Thank you.

You doing all right? Yes. Thank you for having me. Do you have any thoughts about segments we could do in the near future?

Yes, I do have a thought. Recently, you were reported as You just seem depressed.

Is anyone else? I hate this.

I'm trying to be chill. I can't do this.

You're very depressed now. When I was going to say, I give a note. I feel like, Hey, you know what? I loved you in Hamlet. You were great.

Lean back, not into the mic. You know what I mean?

Well, the mic doesn't go that far back. The mic doesn't have to be in your mouth.

That's so un-natural.

I had an idea. Oh, my God.

That was too loud. Now you're too loud. I don't know. Just try.

Okay. I had an idea which was you said you're not looking for any more after... If I had legs, I would kick you. You weren't looking for any more dramatic roles. I thought it'd be fun to come up with this segment where you are like Daniel Day-Lewis, you're in retirement. What roles you would come back to acting for?

Oh, okay. I think that's a fine pitch. I really do. I think that's a fine pitch. He came back to acting because- He's gripping the mic again. It's so crazy. You cannot be. I'm sorry. I think Matt's note about the posture actually is huge.

When I saw Clay leaning back, I was like, Oh, this is actually- No, we should get duct tape.

I'm soaking wet with sweat, by the way.

Just let the seat let the seat- Let the seat cradle you.

Stop talking about your sweat and your beardrape. All right.

Just stop talking about that stuff, I'm done. We should get duct tape and tie him to his chair. Tie his abdomen to his chair.

That's That's my idea.

Okay, I think that's fine. Just to bring people up to date, a small part of a movie, a fine part of it. You're a pretty big part. Pretty good part, yeah. Pretty good part in a movie called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You, which has gotten a lot of critical acclaim, mostly because of the incredible writing, directing of Mary Bronstein. Yeah, and the performance. And the performance of a Lifetime by Rose Byrne, which is really saying something because I adore her. Yeah, I did this role, and people thought I acquitted myself well. There's been some question, Would I do another movie role? I say, That's a good idea, Bla. Maybe we leave it to the fans to tell me in a night Nice, calm tone if they have any ideas of the role I should play. I mean, serious pitch is not, You're a rooster, you're Woody Woodpecker, that stuff.

Hey, I have an idea because this is a solid pitch. Why don't we take this pitch and do it two-parted in this episode? I love it. Next time we come back, we've got the pitch settled. By this time, Bley, he's just rolling and trim because he's so cool and collected. Rolling and trim?

You mean Gash?

You mean that sweet slib? I'm talking about some serious trench.

Jesus. I'm so glad I don't know what you're talking about. Wait a minute. Are we off CBS now?

Do you want to apologize to Bley? You made him sweat a lot.

No, I don't think I I did. I was- He's crying.

I'm so wet. You made him very vulnerable this entire- You know what this was?

I was a very good, tough, but effective therapist, and I think I made a big change in Blae's life. Thank you. I hope a big change in my life because you'll stop. You're saying thank you to him? Yeah, I helped him.

You really feel like you think he helped you?

Yeah.

You did it. Sona, if I didn't care about Bley, I wouldn't yell at him and belittle him. Oh, my God. I think that's right. Okay, let's wrap this up. And next week, let us return and maybe explore this concept that a soft-spoken Bley had, which got our attention, which is discussing my next movie roll. So we'll see you soon. Okay.

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