Transcript of Paul Rudd Returns Again

Hi, my name is Paul Rudd. I feel right chuffed about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Hey there. Welcome to Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by my Wack Pack, Sonam Obsession. Matt Gourley.

Wack day to you, sir.

Yes. We're going, we're going. Traffic backing up on the 101. Let's do some prank phone calls. Hello, pizza parlor? Yes, this is the pizza parlor. Oh, yeah. Is your refrigerator What? We have an oven. Oh, sorry. If you had a refrigerator and it's running, I'd say, Better catch it. What? This is me doing a bad prank phone call.

I understand. I'm more curious why this pizza place doesn't have a refrigerator. Yeah.

Well, there was a blackout. Okay. This is why I don't do prank calls.

Also, what whack-pack is? It's when you're just doing everything.

Ring, ring, ring. Hello, we're a hospital. Yeah, I think one of the patients died. Sir, what are you calling for? April Fool's. That's bad. Is that a prank call?

Because someone could have died. No, that's what I'm banking on. Doctors are like, hey, the odds are someone probably did. Okay.

Hello, baked bean Company. Yes. Do people eat your baked beans and then they have gas afterwards? Ha ha ha. Just kidding. This is the President.

Do you want to hear a quick, real joke that my daughter made up? Yes. Well, there's two, and this was the spectrum. The first one, pretty solid. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Party. Party who? Port-a-party.

Okay, that's pretty good.

Solid beef flush. Four years old. Guess what? She got bad on the ball. It's an infield, single. Yeah, four years old.

Then the next one, knock, knock. Who's there? Mouth. Mouth who? You don't have a mouth. You can't talk. You're dumb. You have poopy on your head.

I like that one better. I like that one better because that's right up there with the pranks I was just doing. No, we are here to have a real conversation, which is Sona. Maybe you've noticed this, but when we do the conversations with people, when we're about to start a record, you need to keep talking. You do Sona. I've noticed that if we... Hold on, don't make that judgy face.

Well, she was looking at me. I was responding to her.

I noticed that when we do fan phone calls, when they come up the Zooms where the fans are calling, you love to talk right up till the very second that they come on. You just do, Sona. Me? I accuse you, Jacques Cuse. Jacques Huss.

I think you need to turn that finger right around.

Right around to you, sir. I. Right I'm going to turn it around to you, sir.

I'm going to turn it around 360 degrees so it's pointed back at you.

Do a 180. But you broke your wrist. Do a 180 and then do a thing. Do this. This is more accurate.

Wait, now it's pointing at me. Yes. If the finger is pointing at me, then I must do it.

First of all, when we're having a conversation, everyone's talking, and I might be in the middle of something.

You'll be like, Okay, let's go.

You're always in the middle of something. And then you don't let me finish what I was saying.

That's exactly right. Not only that, but you offer to just go, Shut up. Here's a can of shut up sauce. Shut up.

You're starting.

You just offered me. What did you offer me right before we started recording?

I said, You want a slice of shut the fuck up pie? And then I said, Hey, actually, maybe you double up, maybe two slices. Thank you. But that's a polite way of saying to someone, You might want to curtail your conversation.

No, but you say that, and then you expect me not to respond to you, and then you're like, Okay, we're going to start. And then you get frustrated with me because I'm still talking. I'm a normal person. Well, hold on.

Hold on a second. I'm just kidding. Then usually, right before When you're a fan, you start throwing things at people because that moment where we're waiting, you can't sit still. Are you saying that maybe I'm the problem with Conor Bryant needs a friend?

You are the problem.

I think that's indisputable. Maybe lashing out at you was me projecting. Yes.

Do you want to apologize?

No, I want to make another prank phone call.

No.

Yeah, I want to make a prank phone call. But they're so mad. Hello, dentist office? Yes, this is a dentist office. Okay, you must be sad right now. You must be feeling down on the mouth. Excuse me, sir, come again. I wish I could come again. Sir, what are you talking about? Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Wait, sir, what's going on? I'm Conan O'Brien. I mean, I'm not Conan O'Brien. I got to go. You're so bad. Was that a good prank call?

No, they're bad. They're all bad. Also, you can't say anything about you. I feel like you would be like, This is Conan O'Brien. Here's a prank call. You would say it in the beginning. I probably would mess it up.

Yeah, I never made prank calls. I've never made them in my life. Really? No. You would be good at it.

As a kid, all the time, I loved it.

Oh, no. I would be terrified. It would be overly conceptual. I'd say, This is Abe Lincoln calling from 1864. Oh, God. Still got a year to live. Although I'm shot in early 1865, spring, if you will. Then just they hang I keep talking. It would be me talking over a hang-up signal.

There's some value to that.

It's hard now because all... Like, call her ID and stuff.

Oh, no, I forgot about call her ID. I tried a bunch of these yesterday, and they went very badly.

Did you call for me your number?

Yeah, of course I did. Oh, no, Konan. Yeah, and I was like, Hey, I hope something bad happens to you pretty soon.

You called your wife and said, This is Konan's doctor. You need to be a lot nicer to him. Yeah.

Konan's doctor saying that? Yeah.

Well, I knew his voice. Of course, me, I panic and I forget my doctor's name. I'm Dr. Not Konan. My prescription for you is be nice to him. I would be terrible. I would be so nervous about prank calls. Just awful at them.

I feel like you'd be nervous about anything that is slightly bad. You'd be the one to be like, Guys, we shouldn't do this. You're the like, Guys, come on, guys. Let's not TP this house.

You're the first one killed in a horror movie, basically.

Oh, my God. You would die so fast.

Because I ran in a bad direction?

No, because you're policing everybody. We can't do that. We can't drink out here at camp. We can't. Where are you all going?

Why is everybody leaving me? I'm going to go into the woods and say my prayers. It's perfect. Then chop, chop, chop. Someone's out there chopping onions. That's right. Okay. I fooled you. I think I owe you an apology. I accused you of something which you may not do, although I think she does. I do. I swear to God, this is coming from a real place, which is someone will be like, Okay, here's Sarah, who's calling in from Cincinnati, you are often talking.

But I think she's doing it to prove a point because you've just served her shut up pie. Yes.

It's also be quiet soup.

You're also crumbling up paper and throwing them at people.

Remember when I said, Have a slice of, Hold your tongue, tongue? It's actual tongue from a deli. Remember that?

Do you really think when we're waiting for the callers to come up on Konan needs a fan, do you actually think you sit there calmly waiting and I'm the problem? Please tell the truth.

I'm told I make a lot of erratic motions. Yes.

That I fidget. You've usually got your glasses on upside down.

It's funny.

I'm not saying it isn't. Can I say something? You've always got your headphones on front to back. You do.

You have one tooth Walrus.

My joke is that's someone with ESP doing a podcast. He's got the headphones on his forehead and the back of his head.

That's the first time. You have another joke for that that you usually do, but that's a new one.

I don't know. I just make up stuff all the time.

That was pretty good.

Thank you. You do pen mustache or sometimes you do one tooth Walrus guy.

I put a pen on one side of my mouth so that just one pen is hanging down and I look at Sona and I go, I'm half a Walrus.

This is while we're waiting for this person to pop up on screen.

But then Sona is responding to my... I'm a tornado of bad bits, some of them quite good. Glasses upside down is funny because that's not the way you should wear them.

They're all That's really funny. I mean, that's interesting.

Thank you. I'm doing my bits. I'm getting my laughs, and then she's trying to get me to calm down or responding to my attacks on her when Sarah from Cincinnati or Buffalo comes up. Yeah.

Just admit, you want to do bits and you don't want me to react to that. Yes, that's it. Oh, that's what you want. Yeah. Okay. All right. No. No. The answer is no. When we're having a conversation, I'm not just going to stop talking. I think you're used to television, three, two, one, and then this, and everything stops. But this is...

We start when we start. Okay, we're out of time. Just shut up, both of you.

Okay. All right. Well, guess what?

Well, you're forgiven.

Sona, I think you're 40% right in this one. I forgive you. 50, 55.

This is just like, I hate being in the middle.

It was all right. I forgive you. You're not in the middle. I forgive you.

Where am I?

Trust me, you're getting yours in the next episode. Yeah, I forgive you. Well, we should get started. Yeah, I forgive you. Apologies. I guess we each apologize to each other. Here we go. I didn't apologize. Equally wrong. Here we go. Equally wrong. You're both doing it.

You're doing it again. Stop it. Both at fault. Why am I involved in this?

More Sona than me. I'm bailing out. This is the last thing I'm going to say. Sona 70, me 30. I'm back. Sona 75, me whatever is the rest of me 75. Can't do the math right now. Too busy, Ripping. Friday. Sona 80, me whatever's left over after 80. I think it's 20, but I can't be sure. All right, we're going to get going. We got to get started. We got to go. All right. Last word. My guest today has started in such films as Ant-Man: Avengers Endgame and Anchorman. Now you can see him in the new movie Anaconda. Very excited he's here today. Paul Rudd. Welcome. Right chuffed. I forgot, and I shouldn't have, about your English Lineage. Lineage. Your parents are English. You're from England.

Yeah, both of my parents were born in London. Yeah. Right.

You changed your name. Your name was Huffin Piddleton, and you changed it to Rudd.

Well, it was a high in it. It was Huffing Piddleton Rud. You are Eustace Nigel, Huffing Piddleton Rudd.

I forgot about that because you went to a serious acting academy. This blows everyone away. No, you went to a very intense... Was it at Oxford? Where was it?

Yeah, went to Oxford for just a semester. But it was studying Jacobian drama, which already makes no sense if you know me and all the money.

I just did a thing at Oxford weeks ago. The minute you get there, it is Hogwarts. It is Hogwarts. It's ridiculous, and you immediately feel unworthy. That's just how I felt. I felt you're walking around, you think everyone has an owl. Everyone does, by the way. They do. They're all playing Kitich. Excuse me? Or is it Squidditch?

It's neither.

Which one are you? What do you call it. Yeah, it's Quidditch. I'm sorry, Huffington Pittlebone. I don't know your fancy terms.

Not at all. No, it's just I grew up playing it, so I just know it.

But I immediately... I don't know if you had this feeling, did you feel accepted there?

No, I didn't feel as if I belonged there at all.

How old were you at the time?

I must have been 21.

Okay.

You're right. You feel as if you're just a part of something that is so important and and historic. There was a pub that I would go to before class and after that, low ceilings. Wow, this is this. When was this built? This has had been here a while. Then I ask, Oh, no, this is from 1200, this pub.

Isn't that crazy? Oh, my God. Yeah.

1200. This one's from the Middle Ages.

It's not even the oldest one here. I grew up in Massachusetts, and there are some houses and buildings there. You'd see sometimes it would say 1634, and I would think, Oh, my God, the oldest structures known to man, because I was a kid. Then you go to someplace in England and you'll be at a copy quick. This is back in the day. Or you'll go into a drug store to get some mint, some TicTac, and you'll ask them, Hey, this is a nice old building, and they'll say, Yeah, it's from 2 AD. Jesus bought his TicTac here.

It's crazy. It's crazy.

I was exaggerating a lot. Would you like that?

No, I really thought you meant 2 AD.

Well, I mess around and I think Paul got it.

Jesus actually had Polo mints if we want to get it really.

Yeah, and he went to a chemist.

.

I'm sorry.

The irony was he would go to boots. It was boots, but he never wore boots. It was all sandals with him.

He was ostracized at boots. He was ostracized because he wasn't wearing boots. Get out of here. I forgot about that because you really do. I remember talking to you once and you were talking to me. This is in our private conversations, which there are many. You always like, Don't record this, so I don't. But you were telling me all about your parents and they were like, They're the real deal. They're the real deal. I think you told me your dad knows everything about the Titanic. Yeah, everything.

Yeah. He was a Titanic expert and traveled the world speaking about Titanic.

I have a brother Neil who's the exact same thing. He will tell you he knows which rivet went where. Really? Oh, wow. All that stuff.

They would have been friends. My dad was part of the Titanic Historical Society. Back before even Ballard discovered the ship, I grew up going to, I guess the way I would describe them might be Trecky Conventions.

About the Titanic?

With just other people who were interested in Titanic. But nautical history, presidential history, World War II history. He was a history fanatic, my father. I grew up around all kinds of- This is a real side thing. Articles and cutouts and things like that. All kinds of stuff.

Cutouts of what? This is all... Did your dad... I mean, your dad- Is that a cut out of Neville Chamberlain? Oh, I have that one. I'm guessing he did. I'm hoping. Did your dad live to see the Titanic discovered? Yes. Because that would have been a seismic... He thought He thought about this thing his whole life, and then they said, Hey, we found it, and here's pictures of it. Because that's what it was like for my brother. When they found it, my brother was just blown away because he knew everything about it. He was really disappointed that the ship broke in half and was in a mess because he always dreamed, they'll find it and then they'll float it to the surface and we can all ride around in it. No, it's just a pile of bolts at the bottom of the ocean.

Yeah, and rusticles. Rusticles, yeah. Which I have.

No one had to know that. Not everyone showered with you.

They feel like Ron Steffone these days. It was the exact same scene in my house when it was discovered. 1985. 1985. My dad lost his mind. It was the most... He was gitty forever. He would just show me pictures. He framed, I Newsweek magazine, the cover, it was on the wall. It was such huge news in our house.

Did he like the movie? Because I think Titanic Buffs liked the movie, but then there's always going to be that guy that's like, Oh, the antique car, the French Renault. That's a 1913, not a 1912.

Right, exactly.

And those people still hunt. It bugs them. Yeah, they hunt the director down and say, Come on, Cameron.

So my dad, I asked him when it came out, I go, Well, what do you think? And he said, I do think that of all of the Titanic films and the things that they've made about Titanic, that this film probably captured what the experience was most like. And he also thought the technical side of it, all of the rivets, all of the China, the way it was like, he said that's exactly as it was. And to see all of that was thrilling to him. He He didn't care about the story at all.

What about when Rose is being sketched with her breasts out? Was he suddenly like, That was fantastic. Dad, take it easy. Mom's in the room, I'm going to He was furious because he knew for a fact that Ches Lange was not on the show. There you go.

That's all he's thinking while she's naked.

Yeah, it's like, wait a minute. No, Ches Lange. Sure, please. Keep it down.

He said, there was a boy in Steerage named Jack Thayer. He goes, I'm assuming they took some of what Jack Thayer's life and his stories, and created the DiCaprio character. He said, But there's so many interesting stories about Titanic. I don't know why they had to make one up. This is my father, the history fan.

It was a total miss with audiences. I don't see why you need DiCaprio at all.

What are we It's all the story of Jack Thayer.

I love your dad as a theater critic.

But my dad was also like, Apocalypse Now. That wasn't the Vietnam War. Why didn't they Can we take? He was like, No, dad, that's Joseph. He only saw the historically accurate sides of it. Sure.

I got to interview Quentin Tarantino a number of times, and I told him about my brother Neil watching watching What's Upon a Time in Hollywood, and Neil's that guy who yells out, That's a '71 Pontiac. This is 1969. They weren't out yet. Tarantino has, he later on said to me, Oh, Man, just keep your brother Neil away from me. Did Neil like the movie? Because he's that guy.

I'm having this memory of something, and forgive me because I'm pulling out my phone. You'll trim around this. The hell I will.

But maybe we Let's get that ad out for Apple.

Here, I just found it because a friend of mine texted me this the other day because we were talking about this very thing, and a movie that my father hated was Life is Beautiful.

Oh, my God. He hated it. No one hates that movie.

My dad hated it. Now, keep in mind, my father could not escape Holocaust documentaries. Growing up, I didn't realize color television existed until I was a teenager. But he hated. What? Hated that movie so much.

Roberto Benigny, it's a masterpiece.

Well, I was just reminded about my father's hatred of this movie because a friend of mine texted, he said, I still laugh at your father talking about that movie because, again, not historically accurate. My father referred to it as, Laurel and Hardy go to Auschwitz.

Oh, my God.

Which I had completely forgotten about that.

Oh, my God.

I had forgotten about that. I got that text, I started laughing. So I'm like, Oh, God, that's right. He did. He really did.

Why don't they just talk about the real camp?

You know, You are never far from my mind because Instagram knows what I like.

You have these little sites that you go on and they learn you real quickly. And so mine's always showing me, here's another Beatles guitar solo you can learn how to play. It's constantly showing me the things it knows I'm going to like and showing me historic stuff. It knows that I can watch Anchorman clips until the sun goes down and then well beyond that. And the one it keeps sending me over and over and over again is Sex Panther. I know it cold, you unveiling your cologne to Will Farrell. And one of the things I love about so much is, I think in the history of comedy, it's the two most self-satisfied people I've ever seen. In any situation, you're unveiling your clone. He's so pleased for you and impressed. You're so pleased with yourself. I would just put it out there. People go back and look at this clip, and people do all the time, but it is, to me, the epigee, the acme, the high point of two idiots who are happy with themselves. It always makes me happy every single time I watch it.

Thank you. Well, you are dead on the money. These are two morons who think they've got it all figured out. That's It's always such a fun thing to play, certainly. Will is so good at it. That was one of the hardest moments I laughed. Will doesn't really break character too much.

No.

He really got me I do. But he really made me laugh when we were doing that scene. I thought, Oh, because there is so much improvisation. Then I said, Oh, yeah. Well, 60% of the time, it works every time. I thought like, Oh, that will make him laugh. He didn't even smile. He just said, That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't. Then I lost it.

That doesn't make any sense.

It's really the one moment of clarity that either one of us in that scene.

Then everything else is, he says, Pungent. Then you're very confident about Sex Panther, and it's made of real bits of Panthers, so you know it's good. That's the quality.

That's the one thing we have.

Then I think it's, it smells like gasoline. Everything about-Pure gasoline. Yeah, pure gasoline. I don't know. I just... And you are so... I mean, one of the things that you're able to do in so many different, and we've talked about it, but in so many different parts you play, you're able to access this. You're incredibly likable, but you have no authority, you should not be respected, and you don't care. Do you know what I mean? You're able to combine all those things at the same time, and I'm always delighted. In Forgetting Sarah Marshall, when you're the guy that hangs out in the beach and rent scuba equipment and stuff, I love that character. Again, I think you were telling me once that that was just... You brought a lot of your own experience to that character.

Well, there was when Jason was... When he was writing it or when they were getting ready to shoot it, he said, You want to come to Hawaii and you want to maybe play this surf instructor? We were just talking about it, and it It was just this idea that if you ever go to any of these resorts and there are guys there that teach surfing or diving or whatever, you meet them and you're feeling, I've got it all figured out. But the more you talk with them, you realize running away from something or something's not right. That just seemed like a funny, oh, yeah, oh, no, I get it. But just really putting a hippy-dipping positive spin on it. It's like, no, this is my journey or whatever it is.

But he had no actual knowledge of really anything. No. He shouldn't be there. It was dangerous that he was working there.

The idea was that I was going to also play much older than I was. I wanted to be older. By the way, I said I was like, I was forward that movie, and now I look at 44. Oh, my God. What a young kid I was. I was in my 30s when we did it, and I tried to dye my hair gray. I wanted gray hair. Not even a wig. I should have just worn a wig. But I went and tried to dye my hair gray, but my hair is so dark that it just turned red. That's why my hair in that movie is just red because I I don't know how to... I had never dye my hair.

I love also how you'd think of this is a big movie and very successful movie and a classic. Why are things so, Hey, do you want to come hang out in Hawaii? Maybe you could play this guide. Hey, I have an idea. I'll be right back. I'm going to go dye my own hair. You'd never think that that's how it came together.

It's how it came together. Even when I arrived, I remember we filmed it in the at the North shore, the top of O'ahu. When I landed, I was not tan, big surprise. They said, Well, you need to get a tan. There's a place that you can get a spray tan. But it's on the Southern part of O'ahu. It was like two hours away. I landed on the plane, went directly to this spray tanning place. That took like an hour and a half. It drove another few hours to to the North Shore where they were filming, checked in the hotel, told them, I'm here. And then I went and took a shower. I never knew that you have to let a spray tan. Wait a minute. Settle in. They had, no. It all came off. I was in the shower and it was like psycho of the color going down the train. They had to send me back right there. Then I had to drive another. First of all, to get from New York to Hawaii takes something like 10 odd hours. It took me longer to get to the spray tan twice and then get back to- One of my favorite things, it's just a...

I guess a truism about a lot of my favorite kinds of comedy is there's this thing that's in classic comedies. And I'm just going to start It's like the Three Stooges, where you take someone who's a complete idiot, but you put them in a position that they'd never be in. So the three stooches, the rich people need plumbers, and plumbers show up, and they have a truck. They have all the equipment. They're clearly in the phone book. They're registered plumbers. The richest people in town are calling them up. So clearly, they've done this before. And it's three people that literally can't take a hammer out of a bag without smashing vases all all around them. They don't know what a pipe is and things explode. And you see that over and over. Clouseau would never have been the most famous detective in the world. He's a complete idiot. And that's this thing that happens over and over and over again. I'm thinking that is a thing that these films, the Anchorman films, they do so well is none of these people would be where they are. And this guy would never have been a beach instructor, but people are beamed into this reality.

And once people accept that, everything Everything's great. It's just what you have to do.

It's so fun in like Three Stooges or Clouseau, especially, that they wind up winning despite the fact of their ineptitude. The biggest example or the most brilliant I always think of is something like being there, where you back in to every single victory. What's so amazing about that movie, obviously, is that everyone around him thinks he's brilliant, whereas everyone else around Clouseau. You just know they're morons. Yeah. But yeah, it is a really... That's a good construct. I'm with you. That thing.

It always fills me with delight. I don't know what it's like for you, you probably didn't see the action hero thing coming for you because it came- Well, I was really pushing it. You used to tell me all the time, I'm going to be a Marvel action hero. I was belligerent, Do I remember?

No, I know. Do I remember? Trust me.

I was always pushing you and shoving you a lot. Hard. Were you jealous? I remember thinking, I'm the one that's going to be the Marvel superhero. Remember? Yeah. I was just always… Then you'd pull it off. I was jealous for a long time.

I mean, action here, that's a small A, much like Ant-Man. Small A. I don't think that I really fit into that mold so well. But I did get to pretend I had a suit on, and I got to do CGI, and I went to the gym a lot. It was fun to do all of that stuff. But in my bones, I don't think that I could ever believe or feel authentically like I am right for the part. But actually, that might be- But I take somebody like Odenkirk, and I When I saw Nobody, which I love that movie, the joy of seeing Bob Odenkirke just kick ass like that and be so good at it and so believable. He's an incredibly talented guy, but also, as you know, one of the funniest people on the planet. I don't think it really exists so much for me, even though the Marvel thing is real. I look at a guy like Oden Kirk and think, Well, that guy did it, and that guy is great at it.

They always thought about that might have been maybe a key to why it works so well for Bob is I go way back with Bob, and he's, God, so insanely funny and creative and great. But he does have... He'd get angry about things. And I thought, Oh, I think that might have been his way in. And he's tenacious. And I could I could see, well, there are aspects of Bob, and you are a hilarious funny guy who's also incredibly charming. I was like, Well, that's your way in. You're very likable. It's your way into that character. I can see why it makes sense. Do you know?

Well, how it even came about was Edgar Wright, who was going to direct the film, and it was Edgar that offered me that part. I I really didn't know that much about Marvel. I mean, I had seen some of the films, and I had read some of the comics when I was a kid. I knew what they were, but it was never anything that I would have imagined getting involved with. But it was Edgar that offered and said, Do you want to play this? I'd love Edgar, and he was a friend of mine, and I loved his films, and so I was very excited. Then he wound up leaving the movie, and it was a bit of a chaotic scene there for a little bit. But I think the reason that maybe he wanted me to do it, or was that it's a guy who probably is ill-equipped to actually be a superhero. I think that that was always my take on it. I'm not going to be Captain America, and I'm not going to be Thor, even though we have an incredibly similar physique. I often confuse your torso.

You know what it is? No, it- My chem's work.

The real problem is no one would buy me as a blonde, especially if you dye your own hair.

Well, I'm here for Thor. I'm going to go dye my hair.

Thor doesn't have blue hair on the south end of the island.

I'll be back. We shoot in 10 minutes. I'll be there. I very much wanted to see your new film, Anaconda, and they said I could get a link. Then they told me this morning because I was going to get up I watched it this morning and they said, No, the link does not work, so I blame your people because I have not seen it.

That's all right.

Well, no, I wanted to see it, and I really wanted to see it for free.

That's the only way to see anything anymore, I think.

But I'm excited to see it because it surprised me. I know that technically, you and Jack Black have worked together before, but this is a real two-hander, and I'm excited about that. I'm very excited about it.

He's the greatest, as you well know. There's nobody... I mean, he is a tornado of-Yeah. Of comedy and talent, truly of talent. I was so excited to work with the guy. We'd work together before, but never like this. He's terrific, and he's great. I actually have... I don't have a link or anything like that, but I think they are... I do have a clip of it, but it's so fun, and it's such a funny way to go into this idea of doing a retelling of Anaconda. Do you remember the original?

Yes, I remember the original. What I loved about this idea, because at first I thought, Are they doing a remake of Anaconda? I didn't understand, just based on the poster, That's what I was interested to see. Then I found out that it's about two friends that want to go... They're fans. They want to go back and make their own version of Anaconda based on the '97 film when things start to happen that take over. I'm sure you could explain this a lot better than I could.

A group of four of us, it's Jack Black, Steve Zahn, and Tandaway Newton. We grew up together. We used to make films, like so many of us do growing up, like little movies with our friends. Anaconda happened to be a movie that we loved growing up, even though technically, if you do the math, we were all probably about 40 when it came It doesn't matter. That's the first suspension of disbelief.

It doesn't matter.

We decide to do I have the rights to Anakada. Our lives now as just 50 somethings. They're not working out the way we thought they would or 40 somethings or however.

Wait, you have the rights?

My character.

Which is a classic dance. Which is a classic does. My character does.

You learn how. Okay, but still. You'll learn how. He got them 70 years ago when he was 40.

There's a reason.

It's funny. There is an explanation, and it's funny because it is what I have to show you of how I have the rights for this, for Anaconda. I am explaining to them, and we decided, Look, guys, I really miss making movies when we were kids. We can do this. Let's do... We love this movie when we were growing up. Let's do it. Let's do it. Then, of course, things start to go wrong. But then all of a sudden, wait, maybe we're getting onto my real Anaconda. It's like a metaversion of… It's an interesting... It is an interesting way to retell a story that's never been told before.

What's it like? First of all, I agree with you. Everything you said about Jack Black being the most talented guy and insanely off this nuclear powerhouse of creativity and fun. But whenever I run into him, his beard, his beard is insane. His real life beard. That might be the most… As impressive as Jack Black is, I think his beard impresses me more than anything else. It's really something.

It really is. It's got three different areas of gray Yes.

No, that's what I'm talking about. It's not just… Okay, Letterman has this great beard, but no, Jacks has different parts of his beard have lived different lives. They come from different- Sunburst on a guitar. Yeah, exactly.

It's exactly it. It's like a mix of- They're swirling and churning.

Quicksilver.

There's a Quicksilver. It's like a Captain Nemo meets Rick Rubin meets-Meets Seuss.

Meets Seuss, but also meets A touch of manson. Yeah, a little bit of manson. Just a little touch. You want a little touch of manson. Yeah.

All of a sudden, it just happened. I remember seeing pictures of Jack, and he had, Oh, yeah, he has a beard, and, Oh, it's cool. It's like a little gray there. Then I think, I don't know, six months later, I saw a picture of this years ago. I was like, Whoa. He couldn't keep that version for the movie. I thought, Oh, that must be really upsetting when you have that and then to have to shave it.

Yeah, that's what I thought is hoping that he has kept it, meaning I hope they didn't shave it. I hope it was detached from his face and then can be surgically put back. Or studied in a lab. Yeah. Even if it means that there's terrible pain in a recovery period and maybe the body rejects it for some reason because it's been off the face, I still think it's worth trying to keep-Yeah. Then he does it. It's like, The world lost Jack Black today after an unsuccessful beard re Matchman's surgery, suggested by Conan O'Brien on a podcast with Paul Rudd. The two men have been arrested.

They're still working on it, but unsurprisingly, government has cut all funding now for our research.

Rfk Jr. Did approve of the surgery.

It's a real shame. Well, to have such a signature look, Conan, one, you're great. If I had legs, I'd kick you. Oh, thank you. I loved it. Loved the movie. Not an easy watch.

No, that is an intense movie.

But it was also like, your hair is so styled. How did you feel about showing up with a different hairstyle?

Well, I play this therapist to Rose Byrne, and there were so many things when they sent me the script, and this is not a part of my career that I've had any plans for, and it's not something that I probably intend to repeat, but I really love the script. I love the director. Then, like everyone else on the planet, I worship at the altar of Rose Byrne. I just think she's spectacular. The chance to be in these scenes with her was like, You've got to do this. The way I interpreted this therapist was, Oh, he's the opposite of me in so many ways. He's not a caretaker. If someone's uncomfortable, he doesn't really notice. He just wants them out of the room. Then I thought, and I was talking to the director, Mary Bronstein, a lot, and she said, Yeah, what do we need to do about the hair? We both agreed it should just be pulled back and down and just kill this thing. Just kill it with weight and restraints. But no, it was mostly just wet it down and put some stuff in there to just keep it flat. Yeah, it is funny because it felt like I don't have my...

It's like Superman without his cape. It felt to me a little bit like, Well, this guy's no fun. Yeah, you're all put together and highly about.

Did you find, though, that when you were doing it, you're not self-conscious about any of that stuff, that some of those things that you do feel like, Oh, this really I am acting your heart and that- Yeah, I did a lot of prep, which I have so much respect.

I've always respected what you guys do, actors. It is not really my thing. I think I'm a good actor when it's a sketch. When I have to do something in a sketch, I feel like, Oh, I can do that. But this character work and all that was new to me. I had never done it before, but I worked with someone and really tried to understand who this person was so that when I showed up on set, know your lines, know what you're supposed to do, and really be familiar with this person. So not a person I'd want to be all the time.

You were great in it, but you don't want to keep doing it? Or you think- I just don't think it's something I don't see me saying, Get me out there. I really ask because pilot season is coming up.

I'm doing all this, so I couldn't possibly. Then you're going to see my new show, Hanging with Conan, Father of Seven Kids. Whatever. I don't know what it is. But no, I don't think this will be something I'll be doing a lot more of. But I am in Toy Story 5. Yeah. I want to check that out.

Playing, are you allowed to say?

I think it's out there. I think I'm allowed to say I play Smarty Pants, one of those devices for one and a half year olds that teaches them how to go to the bathroom. I'm a little toy that teaches kids how to go to the bathroom. I'm smarty pants. I went to college.

Have you done it already?

Have you recorded it? I just wrapped two days ago. Oh, wow. I wrapped on the Disney lot. It's one of the more surreal experiences in my life to be wearing the cans when you're doing the lines. I mean, these things are so familiar to you. They're not to me. Hearing, they're not in the sessions with me, but hearing Tom Hanks as Woody, and hearing Woody and Buzz in my ear, and I'm supposed to go Yeah, guys, or whatever. I can't believe that. It's crazy, isn't it?

It's crazy.

It's crazy to hear them.

There are moments where you can actually get emotional about it because especially Toy Story and those characters.

They're so good.

It was so good. I remember after the third one came out, I thought, Is this the greatest trilogy? Lord of the Rings, Godfather, obviously, the one and two, the greatest movie ever made. Rambo. Rambo? Yeah. Rambo. Okay. The first three, Ernest's.

The first nine, Herbie and the Love bugs, S'Flawless. No, I- I'm a weird guy.

I hated Bad News, Bear. Loved Breaking Training.

When they went to Japan. That's unusual.

Totally. I know. I know. It's an unorthodox take.

Yeah, but stick with it. I think those Toy Story movies are such... I mean, it's beautiful storytelling Kelly. They really are. They've been showing me. They'll say, Hey, Konan, do you want to see? They've shown me now these little pieces of it that they are finishing up. It's really nice because my assistant, David Hopping, grew up on these movies and loves them. So he comes to the records with me.

Oh, wow.

He must be- I don't let him see anything. I want him to be near it, but not to see it. Right.

They say this- A little dangling a carrot in a way.

They say, the director will say, Do you want to bring David in? And I'll say, Only if he wears this bucket over his head so he can't see anything. I paint a frowny face on the bucket. No, he comes in and he's I get to experience that through him, too, which is these these scenes are just spectacular.

They take so long to make. They have to be really well written. They appeal to all ages.

They're the best movies. I like that you're now promoting Toy Story 5. I've tricked you and not Anaconda. You're promoting all the Anchorman films. Yeah. Anaconda. No, not Anaconda so much.

No, Sony will be furious. They will because as you know, they really insist that we promote the films that we're actually there to promote.

That old weird-Yeah, they don't like it. Tick they have.

I know, which does bring me back to my clip of the film where I'm talking about how I got the rights.

Oh, do you have this?

I do. Okay. It's actually based, weirdly, on a true thing like this, how the right Anaconda was a book originally.

Is that true? It was.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I think the author was Japanese, maybe. Anyway, there's this sequence where I talk about how I met his widow, and she was a fan because I play an actor as well in the film. But I'm trying to explain to my friends how it is that I've come about getting the rights to Anaconda. They don't believe me. I'm saying, No, this is how. But I did. I know you haven't seen the link, but I don't know if there's any capabilities.

Yeah, I think they say they have... Yeah, I think the- Great. It's just always... Stop.

Now, you can see...

What else is on YouTube? Now, here's my question for you. Is there a part of you that just hates yourself when you're doing the fake setup now? When you do the fake setup now and you know, I didn't know, but the minute you start to say, I have a clip, I'm like, Fuck you. We all know. Then there's a bunch of things that go through my head, but is there a part of you that hates yourself as you're doing it or no?

God, are you kidding me? Absolutely. Hate it when I'm setting it up, hate it when I'm sitting watching. Hating it now at the point where it's like, How are we all supposed to react to this? At what year did I stop pretending like it was really- You don't even try. I didn't try anymore.

This is the least you've tried ever. You went, Oh, yeah, and I have a clip. Because it was a book and then Spain.

I'll be honest, I put very little thought in how I was going to do it this time.

You're looking around like, Yeah, blah, blah. You almost said blah blah, blah, blah.

Were you ever turned down coming on the show because you just don't want to deal with this anymore?

Yeah, it's exactly right. It's a little bit... Yeah, when you just get lazy and tight. All right, I'll think of a setup now. It's like a team that wins a title in the next season. They go where they were two victories all year. They're 2 and 14.

It's like, Get back to fundamentals, guys. I love see the final season when they're up in Connecticut. Connecticut, yeah. And Lucie. But you know what I love? I'm now starting to picture at one point, One of us, we're going to be very old men. I'm older than you, so I'll be the older. So I think I'll be in the hospital and you'll be visiting me. I won't have long, and they'll say I'm in a lot of pain, but he's pretty good right now, and you'll come in to say hi. I know you're going to do a thing where I'm in and out, but I'm there and I'm so happy to see you, and then you're going to say, No, no. I just got good news from your doctor. I'm like, Really? He's like, No, they did a scan, and they actually can't find any of the disease in the area. I'm really, Yeah, no. Take a look at the scan. It's going to be that. It's going to make me really happy.

I'm so touched.

That, by the way, is a really great way to do it because you have the The box lit up on the wall.

This is a great... I've thought on other scenarios, but that's way better.

But you know what you're going to do? You're going to get my doctor to play along, and so he's going to say, No, we found... And Paul, do you mind? Do you want to stick around for this? And I'll be like, It's okay. I want Paul here. And you'll be like, Okay, I'll stick around for it. And then he'll be showing me. And then at some point, because I hope this is not for a long time. I'm just going to say that. But It's going to be some sophisticated scan where they show you in real-time, this is where we did the scan, and you can see here, and this is where the disease was. And then it's going to start to flicker a little bit, and it's going to turn into. And it's going to bring me a lot of joy, and then I'll pass away.

It's great. I'm just happy that I could bring that to you in your final moments.

I did think of a scenario where we could do this, and I don't want to reveal it here. I did think of a scenario which I think would be I'm hoping we get to do it someday. I don't want to- No, you'll tell me afterwards. Yeah. There is a way to do this that would be the greatest, but I will figure that out. I have a wonderful memory of... I remember I was in Brooklyn, and I did a show there, and you were kind enough to come do it for the podcast. We were all there. Then you and I hung out afterwards. Some drinks were had, as I recall. Then we ended up, it was very late at night, night, and we ended up stepping into your house at night. I remember that, and you showing me around in the dark. I was like, Shh, shh, shh.

I think my children are asleep.

Are you sure this was his house? Let's go wake him up. I'm not sure because we-I'm not sure. We're not sure. We weren't in the best state, but we had a really good time, and we're walking around, and you're showing me this, and I was just so happy to be in your house, but it's such a clear memory of you and me in the dark. This is just a couple of years ago, and you're doing a thing that they do in movies where you're like, We're both a little buzzed. You're like,. We're looking around, I'm like, This is beautiful. You're like, Yeah, Quiet, quiet. But it was so surreal to walk around with you, one of my favorite people in this gorgeous house. I remember thinking, Oh, my God, I miss New York. That was the feeling I had. Don't get me wrong, I love Los Angeles, but you've made it a point to always have that be your base.

Always. But I was so thrilled that we got to hang out, and then I'm like, Wow, you're going to...

Yeah, come on over.

I'm like, Are you sure? It's 2 AM. That's fine. No, whatever it was. But I was so happy that we got to hang out and spend a little time. Yeah, it was really lovely. I do remember this. As you were describing it, I was thinking, I'm just missing the the the the the the the the This way, this way.

I'm like, Yeah.

What do you want to drink? I could smell a glass.

It was really fun. It was really fun.

We have to do it again next time you're back in New York.

Yeah, I'll be back and we'll hang. You are an absolute delight. You're one of my favorite people in the world, one of my favorite performers, and you always make me happy. I know that in the next week, I'll be watching clips of you. It will just be appearing because I know these phones listen to you. They know what you like, and it just is always throwing me these Paul Rudd fastballs, and I'm like, I know that guy. God, he's funny. Anyway, it always makes me really delighted.

I feel the same about you, Kona. Thank you for saying that. About the phones listening, I had this memory of, did you see the Pete Holmes special? I think it was not for everyone. I think it was his last Yeah, I've seen him. When he's telling the audience, he just stops in the middle of his routine and just starts saying, I want to buy a dildo. I want to buy a big dildo. People are laughing, and he's telling them to shush, and he just keeps saying it over and over again. I want a big juicy dildo. Like, whenever in the hour for a minute. You don't really know where it's going. Then he just says, Can't wait to see what pop-up ads you all get in That's such a great idea. It's such a brilliant idea.

King Holmes, very funny man.

Very funny. Yeah, hilarious.

Well, now we're all going to get those. Yes.

Anyone listening right now is going to get one.

Yeah.

And not just any dildo, a juicy dildo. A juicy dildo.

Yeah.

You know when they're just ripe? Yeah, that's when you want to know.

When you get the dildo, just put it in the sun for one day.

I hate biting into a dildo. I'm like, Oh, this isn't ready.

It's a little bit like an avocado or a cantaloupe. You got to squeeze it to make sure it has enough of that gives.

Well, that's the thing is when I'm buying dildos, people are always like, What are you squeezing them for, you pervert? I'm like, I'm trying to see if it's juicy yet. Exactly. They get all freaked out.

But it's a giant bin of them.

Stop touching all the dildos. My grandfather was a dildo farmer, and he told me, If you want a juicy one, you got to squeeze everyone in a bin.

He showed me when I was a little boy the right way to pick out your dildo.

And those bastards, they Chaste him out of town. Paul Rudd, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, seriously. Thank you, Colin.

We have something that we have to show you. Do you remember that show, Star Search, from decades ago? Yeah. It's coming back, and I think there's something about the promo that you need to be made aware of.

Okay.

Star Search, the world's greatest talent competition. Welcome, Beyoncé, Kevin James, Asher Raymond. Brittany Spears. The show that launched the greatest stars of our time.

Look up in the top right. It says, Konan O'Brien.

Wait, is that real?

It's real.

I don't get that. Our very own Ruthie shared this with me. I think Netflix put out a trailer for this Star Search reboot, and this is the trailer. They are saying all of these names they're implying were launched. Their careers were launched by Star Search.

Okay.

Did you ever have anything to do with Star Search?

I did not. No. That is no. That is not my origin story. If it was, I would shout it to the rooftops. I wish I had been on Star Search. I'd have had at least a little more experience before I took over late night in 1993. No. Honestly, I am a I forecast it.

What do I do?

It does say Greatest Stars of Our Time, though.

So aren't you?

I know. Maybe you could just make it up.

Did you do like they used to do dramatic monologs on there?

No, I never had any connection to- Maybe they want you on this season.

They want to make a star out of it.

Oh, this is it. Has anyone looked into this at all before we started talking about it?

Did anyone Google, Konan and Star Search?

We asked around the office. I talked to Jeff. Jeff said he doesn't think that. He doesn't know. He doesn't get it.

I mean, unless I I'm dangerously in need of neurosurgery. I have had no connection. I'm not upset at all. I want to get to the bottom. You're not upset? No, not really. I'm upset for you. Why?

Because they're just using your name being like, We launched this career. Doesn't that make you want to cut a bitch?

No. I'm glad someone thinks it is worth putting me in there.

I want them to answer for this. I want them to say what they think you did on Star Search or for Star Search.

Is it possible that on the old Late Night show, we did a bit once about Star Search, and they're showing Matt or something? But that's false advertising.

No, they're definitely making the case that all of these people got their start from Star Search.

Well, listen, here's another question I have. Who else then is being misrepresented in this ad? Yes. Because if they're using my name, there must be some other people in there, too. It said Dave Chappelle. Was Dave Chappelle? Maybe he was. Maybe he was on Star Search.

It said Adam Sandler? Was he on Star Search? These are all the folks, according to Google.

Is Konan on there?

Adam Sandler is on there.

No. I don't see.

You're not on there.

No, I'm not on there. No, I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist. Yeah. But I'm just saying, what if the Netflix marketing people put you in there knowing you weren't part of it so they could get free publicity of you talking about it?

That would be deep-seated.

All I'm saying is- And we are talking about it right now. We are talking about, are we playing right into their hands for exactly what they wanted by knowing?

And now proving that we have played a part in Star Search because here we are talking about it, and there's his name on the screen. Oh, my God.

It's some weird time travel. Listen, I would I'm very impressed if that were the case. I don't tend to be a conspiracy theorist. I tend to think, no, there was a mistake somewhere. Or, okay, the Mark Twain Prize was on Netflix, and I think it was a success for them. Maybe just the same program that's feeding names in took my name from that. Look, Sona, I don't understand how technology works. I know.

I think you're way too chill about this. I think we need to make this a bigger deal than it actually is.

I don't Are you angry on my behalf? Be honest.

I'm curious on your behalf. I'm not going to, as you say, cut a bitch. No, yeah.

I think some bitches need to be cut.

How many bitches should be cut for this?

I don't know how many bitches worked on this.

Is this a three bitch cut?

I don't know. I don't know however many bitches were in the room need to be cut. We just go around cutting these bitches.

What's the most amount of bitches been cut? I don't know.

A lot of bitches be cut. If there's a lot of bitches be involved.

Be all the bitches cut simultaneously or be bitches cut at intervals.

You got to cut the bitches simultaneously because once one bitch sees the other bitch get cut, that bitch run.

Every bitch be cut or some bitch get way. No, all bitches be cut.

Whoever bitch be involved, bitches be cut.

Be bitches in circle around cutter. Be bitches in making one circle so that it's just- You run and bitches be getting cut.

What do you cut What if Cutter a Bitch?

You Cutter.

Bitch better Cut Bitch.

Yeah. You Bitch, you Cut, you Bitch. Okay.

You Cut, you Bitch. You Cut, you Bitch. Bitch, be Cut. Bitch, be Cut, you Cut. Yes. Bitch, be Cut, you Cut. Yes. Yeah. You Cut, you Cut. You Cut, you Bitch. Yes. Okay, that's all clear. That clears it up for me. I'm angry and I want to cut a bitch.

Yes. I'm just saying they're changing your origin story. Everybody can look at this and say, Oh, there's footage of Brittany Spears But then you see your name on here and they're claiming you.

I have to say, looking at it, I am very intrigued. I'm not angry, but I'm just... Adam, what do you think? Seriously. I'm seething.

I wasn't offended. I'm like you. I'm just like, This is funny and interesting.

I think I'm falling with Sona. They're taking some credit and almost saying, You're not a self-made man, which you are.

I think of people that went on Star Search as self-made. Me too. I think it's a discovery. It's a discovery.

Good It's a platform for getting- I think you have a top feeling here next to Beyoncé.

What would you have even done up there?

Hey, if it's good enough for Beyoncé, it's good enough for me.

Yeah, but what's your talent?

Oh, no, bitch going to get cut.

I'm very fond of this cut a bitch thing now. I'm intrigued by this whole theory of cutting a bitch. You got to be careful. It's your talent. I'm sure I went out and did some bits, and they were just as powerful and show-stopping as Beyoncé. Hello, fellows and the asserted ladies. I don't know. I don't like this one thing.

I hope he did a little song and dance.

I'm very... We got to find out. We got to find out. Oh, we got Melmed in here.

Oh, yeah.

Bring him in. Melmed. Melmed. Melmed. Melmed. Melmed. Melmed. Melmed. Melmed. Melmed. He and dead, dead, dead, get around. Be a Melmed off the ground. Be a Melmed, get around. I start singing Melmed's song to an unclearable song by litigious Paul McCartney.

It just brings us right back to the last time Melmed was- I know.

I was going to say, I think I did that on purpose.

Okay, we're going to bring David Melmed back in, who is our lawyer. You probably know him from past segments. He's wonderful, very handsome. On a near episode or the next episode, we'll get to the bottom of this with him. Okay.

Inappropriate. Okay.

All right.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Cessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Liao. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional Production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/konan. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.