Transcript of Limp Paddle With Special Guest D’Arcy Carden

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco. Com/callkonan. Okay, let's get started.

Hello, folks.

Hi, Derek. Welcome to Konan Needs a Fan with special guest, Darcy Cardin. Hi, Derek. Hi, Darcy.

Derek, how are you?

I'm doing well. Good to see you. Okay, so you can see us.

You can see us and we can see you. Oh, I can see you. Yes. Oh, yeah.

That's what I was waiting for.

Derrick, where are you calling from?

I'm in Mountainview, California.

Very nice.

I've been there.

Have you been to Mountainview?

Yeah. Is that where Shorelane is? Shoreline Amp Theater? Yeah, Shoreline Amp Theater.

There's a theater there. You know things by theater.

Yes. Well, I saw Lollapalooza there when I was in junior high at the shoreline.

I'm confirming this right now. Wait, Lollapalooza?

Yeah, in like 90 freaking something at the Shoreline. Oh, okay. Interesting. Yeah. He's saying it like, Oh, she's wrong, but I'm right. No, interesting, but I'm right.

I thought that was a Chicago show, but maybe I- It used to travel.

No, but we got off on the wrong- No, that's great.

No, that's wonderful. Darcy, normally, I would say- We don't talk. No, no, no. Darcy, I would say that pretty much anything anyone adds is valuable. This has been a diarrhea cul-de-sac. Absolute diarrhea.

That's what I do. It was perfect. It was perfect. Okay, good. No notes. No notes.

Great, great, great. There are no mistakes. Except that one. Derek, I understand that you're somehow related to the world of pinball, but I don't know in what way.

Yes. Well, I want to talk about that. One quick thing I wanted to say is not only am I connected to the pinball, but I am also connected to you in ways that I think I would just like to lay it out there in my case that, of course, I am a fan, but in some universe, I probably could be a friend at some point. Oh, really? I have three connections in particular. I just wanted to highlight real quick. Today, I was listening to your latest or one of your latest, the Judd Apatow Returns. Judd Apatow, long-time collaborator of his, is Amanda Glaze, went to high school with me. That's one. Okay, that's one. Second, I am very good friends with Randy and Jason Sklar, two times shown on your show, 2011, 2022. I'm sorry, 2020. Okay, that's two.

Then the third- Can I say something? Number three, better be really good. Really good. I'm just being honest with you.

Okay. Yes. Last one.

You want to say, The Toffee Bar, I'm holding a chocolate bar that sometimes is mixed with toffee.

Okay, this one I do think is- It's got to be good. The pressure's really on. I think it's pretty good. I think it's pretty good. You can rate it however you see it. Sure. But in 2007, my wife roomed with Keisha, your friend, at Columbia University for a summer program where my wife's instructor, her professor for that program, was Liza.

Okay, that's it. He got there. Home run.

You got there.

I'm telling you.

Listen, Keisha, very strong because I love Keisha. Keisha and I are... She's my spirit animal.

Are we talking the singer Keisha? Yeah. She's amazing.

Oh, yeah. No, Keisha is my spirit animal, and we're good pals, and I live and breathe all things Keisha. That was very strong. But then when you pull out that her professor was my wife. That's nuts. I remember that summer, Liza was pregnant that summer.

Yeah, I think with me?

Yeah, with Darcy. I'm your little baby. You You came out and you went, Ga, ga, goo, goo, and then winked right to camera. You were 20. It was just really weird.

You were like, I don't want her. I was like, This is the kid for me.

Well, that's amazing. That's very cool. That was really good. Derek. No, I- I'm going to get us to pinball because someone told me a little bird.

Beep, beep, beep. That's what a bird says.

Beep, beep, beep. It's a robot bird.

Oh, you should have said that then.

I think With Darcy here, we aren't going to get to anything with you, Derek. No, I love it. This is great. Yes. Beep, beep. I'm a bird.

I'm half a lourish.

It's all broken. Derek, I don't care anymore what your shtick is. I just don't care.

We're just here to have a nice conversation. Sure.

So Pinball, anything? Ring a bell?

Oh, yes. So Pinball, yes. I'm happy to share about it, actually, because I have a lot to say about it. I wouldn't think so.

Not based on how this has gone so far. We'll get to Pinball, but first, 95 things. The Sklar Brothers once asked you on us on Broadway. They were on their way to get a sandwich, and you had just come from the Sandwich Islands.

Go ahead. No, it was Mendocino Farms. I'll be clear about it. Okay. I like Derry. But no. Yeah, so pinball, it's one of my great love. I figured I would just give you a little insight into what the competitive pinball landscape looks like.

Well, you have an official title, do you not, in the world of pinball?

I do. What is that? I'm one of the commissioners of the San Francisco Pinball Department. It's an SFD. It's a little bit north of me because I'm in Mountainview. San Francisco is about 38 miles north, not to be exact. But the Pinball League, 100 people. We all compete at this lovely print shop that has 50 pinball machines in the front by the name Free Gold Watch. If you go to San Francisco in the Hayes Asbury, please go check it out. It's wonderful. But yeah, it's a match place style of competition where you are randomly put into, let's say, if this was our group of four, you play five games over the course of the night, you get points based on how you finish each game. So we play the first game, Konan, you get the best score. Darcy, you get the second best score. 7, 5, 3, 1. So you accumulate those points. There's a big finals at the end. And we actually have a former world champion in our league who won the big enchilada back in 2013.

Okay, Derek, I have some questions that must be answered immediately. One, how can one play pinball well? I mean, you're very limited because you just have these two flippers you can operate. Sometimes more. Okay. But still, how does one become, say, the pinball lizard. Such a supple wrist. A pinball lizard has to be a twist. There has to be a twist. Yes.

What is the twist?

Because I know that that guy, even at his favorite table, he I can beat my best. Anyway- I'm searching for the next lyric. When he was a cowboy, he once owned a vest. I don't think that was... He thought that he was sick, so he had that special test. Listen, Derek, I don't think there's any time for you today. I'm sorry. No, I'm kidding. We're going to get to this. How does one play pinball well? What would you tell me to do?

Well, I think one of the biggest things that I tell people to try to break down pinball into, I think what is a key element is patience. I think one of the things that a lot of people do, for most people, it is a very random thing. You play pinball, you put your money in, the ball goes, it goes where it goes. You're at the whim of physics.

I'll just cut in and say, I bash a lot. I'm a basher. So the ball gets near my flipper and I'm just bashing away. That is wrong. That's not what I should be doing, correct?

Well, not necessarily. And this is something I also wanted to talk about is a lot of people think that you are not allowed, that it's cheating to move the table. Not against the rules. You can do stuff to the table?

I thought it said tilt, tilt, and you were disqualified.

So that's the natural consequence if you move it too much. So you got to know the cadence of the game in order to move it how you need to. Because sometimes the ball is coming straight down the middle. You got to do something. There's nothing you can do. Sometimes you get out of it. Yeah. Well, there's one thing you can do is give that game a good shake, and then you can make it happen.

If I shake it, it won't say tilt You might if you do it too hard.

You got to find the- But you got to know the part of being a professional. Yes. You got to have that finesse. But the patience element that I wanted to mention was in terms of when the ball comes to the flippers, I think it's very, and I'll It's straight here. The most nerve-wracking thing in my life is this part. Is that as soon as it gets down there, you just start going crazy. You're just trying to get the ball right back up to the top, which is a natural inclination. A lot of times, one of the key skills I think you want to build is what's called the dead flip. The dead flip is essentially you watch that ball. If you see that's coming to one of the flippers, you let it strike that flipper without flipping and let the natural carum of the ball go to the other flipper and maybe even hold that ball. Then you can cradle it, hold it in a stationary position, or just at least get a slower shot off. You can control your pace of play.

You can cradle the ball.

You can cradle the ball, yes.

Then you will hold it. Then you let it go.

Then you CRA it and then you let it go. You let it go.

You let it go. You flip. Then you let it go. Do, flip. Then, yeah, you figure out that sweet spot on the flipper. You're in your fancy technical terms. You're going to hit the ramp.

You're going to hit the ramp. You let it go.

You let it go. Then you flip.

Then, right. She's right on it. Yeah, but I think I do have that patience. I think I could be a part of this. I'm going to make you have free gold watch.

Yes. Well, there's plenty of great league in LA as well.

Also, this is something I know about Darcy, just from previous conversations we've had, that she's from the Bay Area originally. This would be a natural for you to go to this place, play this game. You have the patience. I'm I'm not a patient man. I'm just going to say that I'm not a patient man. It's good to know that about yourself. I'm a rough person. I bash things. I smash them like a gorilla with a Samsonite suitcase in an ad in 1966. That's me.

Wonderful.

Yeah, that would be a problem. But I would be willing to manage Darcy if you quit everything you're doing in show business and went 24/7 hard. I would sponsor you. You would? Yeah.

Okay. I But no acting, no more of your success.

You say goodbye to all that because this is the future now. There's no time for that.

I honestly love it. I love pinball. Good. That's an agreement. Okay, great. I'll sign right here, Konan O'Brien.

I'm an attorney as well. I'm a witness.

She tricked me. I can do it. You witnessed it. Yeah.

This is fascinating. Is there any cheating? Do people ever mess with the game? Have you ever caught someone who has infiltrated the game, maybe tweaked it in a way.

Added another ball.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I said that like it's easy to do. It's not easy to do that.

I mean, that wasn't what I was thinking, but I wasn't getting that specific. Sure. Yeah. Well, Derek, what I'd say in terms of, I guess, conduct issues that you might encounter.

If our officials who we have players who act as officials during the league nights and during the tournaments, if they see basically bad behavior, like trying to distract players, sometimes playing in a way that is meant to pull their eye line away, stand on their side.

Oh, can I ask you a question? Is there trash talking?

Yeah. Is there trash talking? There is, but I'd say, you got to... Just It's like any area. You got to know your audience. I think probably most of the trash talk is between people who really are just playing hard and want to have fun. Sometimes, if there is trash talk, the tournament directors have extraordinary discretion to give warnings or to just ban or exclude someone from a tournament if they think that they're just not conducive to the environment.

What would be an example of trash talk? You got a lip paddle. Right. But that's okay. Yeah. Can you say you got a limp? That's your cattle is so limp.

Can you say you got a limp paddle?

Do you ever say you got a limp paddle?

That's a new one. I think you could bring a lot to the trash talk game with that.

I'm pretty good at trash talking. But is it just like, probably no swearing, right? No F, no S, no B, no A.

I would say even good. Very good. W is fine. W is fine. But no, I'd say with that, there's actually a fair amount of tolerance, or at least I've seen people who have really big reactions. Even then, as long as it's genuine, it's in the heat of passion, it's not really directed in a really malicious way. I think you might get a warning just like, Hey, just try to keep it cool, but you're not going to get banned for that. Okay. I think there's levels to it as with any group activity that way. But in terms of the game, the adulteration of the game, I'd say, is probably unlikely. One thing that actually happens- When you say fixing the game, you mean it's hard to get in there in adjust the electronics.

Sure. Right.

Yes. Or you would have to, especially, to your suggestion, in terms of adding balls or something like that, that would require you to remove the glass, or unless you drilled a hole in the side.

No, but that's what I'm talking about. Someone coming in the night before, being lowered on ropes like Tom Cruise, and then lifting the glass off with little suction cups, and then inserting another ball, and then maybe some other stuff in there, trimming a wire, doing this or that, that gives you the advantage.

Yeah, but then also the next person that uses It's not your- It blows up after you. It's a self-destruct. It's a self-destruct. Then you win.

You win because no one else can play it. On the subject of specific games, I know there are specific games with specific themes. Yes. Are there games that are thought of as... I used to work on the Simpson, so obviously, I know there was a Simpson game. Is that game well thought of in the community?

Well, there's two. There's the Simpson Pinball Party, a much more recent release that actually, I think, is generally very well liked as a game. It's got Homer's Garage. It's got a lot of fun. The Monorail is there, so you're covered.

Hey, should I get money from this?

I think you should. I'm in. That's my episode.

That's one of my episodes.

You should be checking with your folks. That's my episode.

That's one of my episodes.

Why did you have to bring them up?

With your people. They're dead, man.

I think he just met your people.

But there isn't earlier. There is an earlier Simpsons pinball machine. That newer one is by Stern Pinball, but well-regarded because it's a current manufacturer. Yeah, they're very, very well-regarded. The older one was Data East, which is actually a predecessor. It It's very fun look. The artwork is great. It's got a lot of the callouts of the voices and whatnot. But in terms of the rule set, as a pinball game, I think it's generally disliked in a competition setting because there's A lot of people call it the Big Stooped Ramp. A lot of games have the Big Stooped Ramp.

Is this one where... Wait, you're about to tell us about the Big Stooped Ramp, but does a second ball come out occasionally on that one?

I think there's a multi-ball.

This is what That's what I was talking about. Someone rigged the game. Matt Groening rigged it like 30 years ago.

I feel like the big stupid ramp leads it right down the center of the flippers, right?

No, it usually will return it to the... It's called a lane return, so it'll put it on your flipper. That way you can flip it again. Usually, it's not going to put it in too much danger unless you miss it, and then it rolls backwards down the ramp, down the center.

What about the one where it bounces and then it goes into the one that makes you lose?

No fair.

It bounces and then makes you lose. A specific game or are you just talking about generally? No, in general, it was a pinball machine.

What's the theme? Is it like Sartre? What's the theme of the game?

Right before it goes to the paddles, there's one part where it bounces and then it can either go right to where you- There was a Terminator one that I think did that. Yes, where it finishes and you lose or it goes to the left to the paddles.

Derek, is there- Never mind. In the Simpsons one, is there one where I feel like I played it and you just get so many points if you get it in the right spot. It goes like…

Yeah, well, there is. Actually, the nuclear power plant are the bumpers. If you can get in the bumper, it won't be necessarily the biggest points, but yeah, you could get lucky and just get a lot of action there. Depending on the mode you're in, this is incredible.

Getting deep in the strategy. First of all, it's clear that everyone here was traumatized at one point by a game. But the other thing is these are such vibrant memories for all of us because pinball goes back forever, but it's been around my entire life. We've all had similar experiences where it comes right down the middle. It's out of the reach of both flippers, and there's nothing you can do.

It's so heartbreaking.

Yeah. That's the worst.

Although now we know there is something you can do.

Not if it's going right down the middle. But he's saying it's going right I can tilt the table.

Or maybe bump it with your body?

Yeah, well, you can. I didn't know you were allowed to bump it.

Me neither.

The two things I'll say. One is you might tilt it. The natural penalty for the tilt is you lose your ball. Then it goes to the next one. But then the other potential issue is that there's an operator who actually owns the machine, and if they see you mess with the case too much, they might ask you to leave that establishment.

But I tend to do that when he's got his head towards near the oven. There you go. He's shoveling a pie in That's the best time to tilt. Tilt. Because he's dealing with that blast of flame.

He's got his head in the oven.

Yeah. Tilt.

Freaking tilt, man.

What's he doing? He's feeding it in right now. Tilt.

Oh, no, he's committing suicide.

Better for me. Tilt all night.

All right. Sorry.

No, you never apologize for being you. I'm sorry, guys. Darcy never apologize for being you. That feels pretty bad. No, it was good. This is incredible. You've taught us so much about pinball, and What is your favorite game of all time? Is there one themed pinball game that's like the Holy Grail for you?

I guess let me answer that in two ways. One is that I actually have a favorite game for competition play and a favorite game that I own. For competition play, there's actually a very old game. It's from, I think, the mid '60s. It's called Royal Flesh. It is a game where basically the main thing is there's these stand-up targets. As you hit them, you make poker hands, and then you collect points as you go along there. For whatever reason, and it's a very simple game, but for whatever reason, it beguiles even really great players, and I feel pretty confident playing it. It's a game where I can maximize my winning percentage on that. But then for my personal one, it's actually a very recent game that I purchased with the blessing from my wife, who's a big fan of the theme. There's a Jim Hensen's Labyrinth game that was recently produced, and I'm a big fan. That's it. That's downstairs.

You bring up an interesting point. Your wife, where is she in your obsession with pinball? You're saying, She let me buy this game. With her blessing. Yeah, and with her blessing. But how often is she in the corner crying?

I'm telling you, you're You're spot on. There was a time where we needed it. Before we had children, because I have two children, five years and five months. We have names.

Hey, her family name.

Sorry.

It goes way back. But no, Before we had my son in 2020, we did have, we went to therapy to really have somebody help us talk through. Hey, I do a lot of things. Not only pinball, I would do some like, comedy. I would do video game tournaments. I just love to sing karaoke. I'm all over the map. She was very supportive.

You rounded out your pinball obsession with other equally horrible things.

Yeah.

Exactly.

I'd do D&D. I'm not stuck.

There was a moment where, yeah, I think we did have to have a sit down and be like, Hey, this is not sustainable. How many nights a week? Let's just be mindful. I think I'm much better for it. That's good.

That's cool. Is there the equivalent of alcoholics anonymous for people that can't stop playing pinball? They've got twitchy thumbs and they're like, Bing, bing, bong, bong, bong, bing, bing, bing, bong.

Maybe in the way, there are people who have reported if they play a lot of Tetris, Do you have that problem? Yeah. Do you have that problem? Do you dream in Tetris? Yes.

I am the best Tetris player in the world. Oh, my God.

My little sister is better.

My little sister is better, but I'm second best in the world. Definitely dream in Tetris. Think about Tetris. Yeah, but I'm able to...

I can- I don't think you can. I think you have a real problem.

No, it's good. It's not bad. It's not good at all. I want to play it right now, actually. Now that we're talking about it, I'm like, I got to go.

I'm going to talk to Jason. I got to talk to your husband about this.

Just break out your phone right now.

Did you have a question for me?

I do, actually. I guess one quick pitch and then a question. I swear it'll be quick.

You know, it's funny, you always add things.

It's just funny.

I got my one chance. I'll be like, Do you have a question? I'll say, Oh, and what about this? Well, I can answer that in nine ways.

Well, that's pinball for you, right? Just pinball. He's got Pinball brain.

He's playing Pinball with my soul.

Derek's got Pinball brain.

I wrote a musical about Pinball.

I just got extra points with my one question. I got nine more. Wait, you wrote a musical about Pinball? I think there already is one.

Well, that's about playing Pinball. This is about living Pinball. Okay. It was in a local San Francisco competition. I won the contest. It was great. Oh, my God, Derek. It was wonderful. Good for you. The one pitch I have is if you ever do Kona in Moscow, but for the United States, I got to say, you got to go to- When we thought about that, I just want to enter with the guilt.

Go ahead.

But you got to go. Go to Pinball in Chicago. As a lot of the manufacturers, go to the factory. They have a special room where you can see all the experimental features. I just feel like you could do a lot with going behind the closed door.

I think that sounds like I would have a good time. If I go, I'll bring you. How about that?

There you go. Thank you. I'll meet you there. You have to pay for the flight and my camera crew. I got you. Question is, so Team Coco licenses the Team Coco brand, the Coneo brand likeness for a pinball machine. What features are you insisting are in the machine?

Well, first of all, I would consult with you if we did this. I would definitely consult with you. I love this idea. That's a great idea. I do insist. There's so many things that we could get into, the weeds on. But at some point, I would like to physically come out of the machine. I would like to I would be willing if there was only one and we could work it out with my schedule, I would go and I would be secreted in the machine. Then when someone wins, I come out and greet them and take a selfie, and then I buy them a round of drinks. That would be important to me. Now, if that can't happen, I want some cone and figure to come up out of the game because I'm self-obsessed. Don't you think?

What do you think? Okay, so if you can picture a pinball machine, I think It's like as if Konan is in bed and his head is right here and then his body is here and he's naked. No. Oh my God. No, Darcy.

No. Wait a minute. Hello, Darcy. No. I like this. I like this.

I just realized what I was describing, but I'm thinking of- Your fingers.

What? What are you saying?

She's describing it with her fingers, which made it even more colorful.

It's highly erotic. I'm enjoying this. It's horrifying.

But definitely something with- Derek, I think you should leave. No, no. Some great ramp with his hair.

Yes, ramp with the hair is important. But when you say I'm naked, is there parts of my body that are flipping the ball or no?

It's like an operation.

That's not what I'm picturing.

No. Yeah. Oh, it could go into different parts of my body. Yes.

It's me.

Look, my face is like, because I have body shame.

This is how you really get them. You could be, this is you. You could really be in this pinball machine. Just a little There you go. No one would play this. Your little head, your naked torso. Maybe the pinball goes in your belly button.

Now we're wondering what the flippers are. We are.

We're all wondering.

God, no one's wondering. We're sitting here wondering.

We're wondering.

No one's answering the question.

Well, maybe it's my feet. They're churned in. We're going, and I'm like, my feet are going, huh, huh, huh, huh.

Or it's the string dance. It's the string dance.

Oh, string dance.

Yes, that makes sense. I was thinking your intellectual property, a little masturbating bear. If the ball goes there and goes ding, ding, ding, ding. A little triumph. His hands go faster.

This is great.

Oh, that's genius. I know.

He's like,.

He's quickly joking it.

Not I really do think you could make a- Derek, I'm very interested. Adam, let's get on this. On it. And not Team Coco game. Coney.

Yeah, I mean, go for it. Just come in. I like it. I think this is This is all going into... Yeah. All right. Well, Derek, you got it.

We should workshop the body a little bit more, I think. It doesn't need to be there. I don't think that needs to be there.

I can show you photos and stuff just so you know what you're dealing with. That's okay. You're good. No, I just went to my dermatologist. You're all still have a color in your face.

You look like you're I'm not to vomit. Yeah.

Derek, absolute joy talking to you. We will be in touch if we can get this game to the next level. And thank you so much. This was really fun.

Thank you. Yeah. No, I really appreciate it. It's I feel very fortunate to have a lovely experience like this. So, yeah, thank you so much. And Darcy, lovely that you could join us.

So nice to meet you. What a lovely guy. My Bay Area brother.

I love this guy. Yes, absolutely.

You're a very lovely fellow. And I have nine reasons why. All right, take care, man. Bye.

All right. Thanks, Conan. Thanks, Sona. Thanks, Darcy.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sona Mouvsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/conon. Please rate, review, and subscribe to 'Conon O'Brien Needs a Fan' wherever fine podcasts are done. Are down.