Transcript of Mary Bronstein

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Hi, my name is Mary Brownstein, and I feel destined about being-Wow. Conan O'Brien's friend.

Hey, Konan O'Brien here, and I'm sitting with Matt and Sona, and this is a special episode of Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Today, I'm welcoming Mary Bronstein, the director of a film that I'm in, which is a strange thing to say because that's something I didn't expect from my cookey career. But Mary Bronstein has made, I think, a really terrific film, and it stars Rose Burn, and it's called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. I'm in the movie as well, and so is ASAP Rocky. There's a lot of just brain twisters here. Because America has been saying, How come, Conor O'Brien and ASAP Rocky haven't been in a film together yet? Well, guess what? Problem solved. We're in a film together.

The new Bogie and Bacal.

That'd be funny. Tracey and Hepburn. If all of our movies were just together now, we're like Hope and Crosby. But it was a wonderful experience. The movie's out now, and it's in New York, and it's in Los Angeles. I think it will start appearing in other areas soon after that. I'm just very happy. Just very happy for- Congratulations. Yeah. Well, thank you. This is exciting for you. I'm in some intense scenes with Roseburn, who is, I think, one of the great actors on the planet right now. I really do. She can do anything. I love her so much. Yeah. Well, get in line, buddy. Okay. I didn't mean to be that aggressive. I know. We both can like her. Okay. That's all right. Just not as much as me. I like her more. This is a chat with the director, Mary Bronstein, who is such an impressive force, and she made this whole world spring from her mind, and it was just an honor to get to work with her. We'll be talking to her today. Please welcome Mary Bronstein. Did you manifest this whole relationship? Yes, I did. You did, actually. There's a whole story here.

Oh, yeah. We're going to get into it. Let me initiate. Anyone who doesn't know what's going on here, Mary Bronstein, very talented screenwriter, director, auteur, has made a movie. I did. Called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. This is not your first movie, but you made this film, and it stars Rose Byrne I'm in there, too, improbably. We'll get to that glitch in your career. But the response has been fantastic and stunning. The movies coming out soon, working with you has been a joy and a great journey. I don't get to say journey often, but it really has been a journey. I'm just so delighted you're here, really.

This This is like a twilight zone moment for me. I'm staying in this hotel on the Sunset Strip. Across the street is the Viper Room and the Whisky. I go into my hotel room. On the coffee table in the hotel room is a magazine with Rose on the cover of it with me inside of it talking in the magazine. Not talking in the magazine. Quoted. Quoted in the magazine.

That's a proper way to say it. But soon, talking magazines are coming.

I just invented that copyright. And then That's called a tablet. I'm sorry. That's called a tablet as a talking magazine.

I have to interject in this very important moment. You're painting a great story, and then, of course- Then, someone have ruined it.

I'm going to take it back. I'm going to grab it back. Then I'm here, and I have been a fan of yours since day one, day one of your original show.

September 13th, 1993.

I'm freshly 14 years old. Freshly.

We actually had an encounter, didn't we?

Over a fax machine.

Yeah. Steamy.

Yeah.

As one does. The best romantic scenes- As one does. Take place over a fax machine.

In the early '90s, that's what you did.

You were a young fan of the show, and you were a real fan.

Yeah, we can get into that if you want, but I can... Yes, I was a real I had. I had a school project where it was like, Pick a career that you want to have and then interview a person in the career. Because this will tell you everything about me and my personality, I said, Well, I want to be in show business. I'm going to interview Conor O'Mrient. What I did was I figured out, I did some sleuthing, some early '90s sleuthing, which is hard to do.

No internet.

No internet. I There was a little booklet that they used to sell in the drama bookshop in New York City called Ross Reports Television. Do you know what I'm talking about? No. In it, it had every television show and the contact information. It was for actors to use to submit to television. Sure. That's how I got the phone number to the office of the show. I called and I spoke to some woman and I told her what I wanted to do. She goes, I can't promise that he's going to do it. But here's the fax number, fax the questions. I live in a suburb, and here, literally, I don't have a fax machine in my house. I literally walk down to the gas station, walk down the gas station with my papers.

I love this portrait of another time. I know. I finished churning my butter. I did.

Then I walked down to the gas station. Then I walked down to the gas station. I sewed my own outfit, and I put it on. I walked down to the gas station and I faxed it. Then And then I was like, But wait a minute. How am I going to know if it faxes back? So then literally for the next week, every probably two hours, I called the gas station. Did I get a fax? Did I get a fax? And one day they said, Yes, you did. And I go, and you answered my questions, man. Yeah. And you revealed some things. I know that you took tap dancing lessons when you were a kid because you put that in the questions. I wrote my essay, the teacher gave me an A, but also didn't I can believe it, I think. A little bit. But that happened. Also, that says a lot about me. My middle name is Tenacity. It says a lot about you, your middle name is Mensch. That's nice.

That is- Also, time on his hands. It's my other middle name. Look, I don't know- I'm just going to fax some gas stations.

It was in your handwriting. You filled it out with your handwriting. You didn't bother I'm not going to type it. Let's get that.

My handwriting is like typing.

Do you still have that fax?

I do, and I should have brought it.

That's okay. But I didn't. But I do- I don't want people to see that I do little smiley faces. I dot my eyes with smiley faces. And then a heart when I say goodbye.

But it was a beautiful thing. It was something that really... I was like, Oh, people in show business, it's not inaccessible. I grew up, my parents were teachers. I grew up in a suburb. I didn't know anyone who was in show business or anyone that was even making an artist. The fact that you could make a living as an artist, I didn't know about that.

That's exactly my same experience with growing up, and I've said this a million times. Never saw anyone famous. I felt like I was as far from show business. I didn't think it was something that I could ever do. Absolutely. It was saying, Oh, yeah, I'll live on Mars. I mean, it was Absolutely.

It feels that far away. It feels that far away.

It's funny because I want to now tell the story of how I come into this whole picture. Yes, please do. Which is, one day I was going down to a place that's near my house to get some stuff for lunch. My phone rings, and it's Adam Sandler. I rushed to a fax machine. No, I pick it up and he's like, Hey, buddy, is it okay if I give one of the Safty brothers your phone number? Josh Safty. Josh Safty. Is it okay if I give Josh Safty from A24? Someone wants you in a film, an A24 film. Some lady. Some lady. I said, What? He said, Do you want to just look at I said, I guess so. I mean, yeah, I guess so, and he went, That's right, buddy. Are you stupid? 824 SAFTI, script.

Lady that you don't know.

Yeah, lady that I don't know who claims she has a letter from you. I read the script, and again, I don't pretend to know this is not my world. I can't say that enough. But I read the script, and and I immediately thought, this is a very original voice. This is a very original story, and there's a great tone control. There's a tone to this movie that just comes off the page. Again, I'm saying this as someone who doesn't read scripts professionally. I don't know of that world, but I know what I like. You and I had a meeting, and I took the meeting just to try and maybe talk you out of having me.

That was the meeting? Yeah, it was I kept saying, I love the script. I want to do it. I can't do it. I've never acted. I don't think I can do it. I do want to do it, but I can't do it. That was the whole me.

It's like Faye Dunaway in Chinatown. You kept slapping me. I don't want to do it. I got to do it.

My sister, my mother, my sister, my brother. 100%. It was one of those moments. I said to you, Well, I think you can do it. Then you said that you were in a place in your life you were doing a radical yes.

Yes. I was saying yes to things that scared me.

That scared you. You said, So that's the place that I'm going to say yes from. Then you said, You made me promise you that if you sucked, that I would fire you, and that we could still be friends. Yeah.

It's not too late for that. It is.

It literally is too late. That's why you're here? It literally is too late.

She does feel that way, but it's too late.

I could go back to the editing room, but if you see the movie, it'd be very It's bizarre if I edited you out.

You could just funny if you just cut from Rose Byrne talking to me, and it's just a bag of golf balls.

Just a bag of golf balls. It says therapist.

It has a crude face paint on it.

Therapist here. No, but you're fabulous. You showed up and you did it, and you worked hard, and you're fabulous, and accept it. Take the compliment. Sure.

Accept it. I killed it. Yes, you did. I think what was funny is I did make you promise. I said, I don't want to be the guy that ruins your great... I think this thing is terrific. Then Rose signs on Rose Burn, and I'm like, Oh, my God. I've never seen- Seen partner. Rose Burn be anything but fantastic.

She's one of the best, though. She's one of the best that we have.

Yeah, I mean, really.

One of the best working actress we have today.

This was such a different chance for her, just a role for her. But when you said Rose Burn going to be your scene partner. I had two instincts. The repressed Irish Catholic boy in me was like, I love her so much. Maybe she'll smile at me.

Your tongue rolled out like a...

I know. I know. Who doesn't? If you've got a pulse, you have a crush on Rose Burns.

I have a crush on her. I do, too.

I'm obsessed with her. I was delighted, but also, oh, my God, I can't let Rose burn down. I don't want to be. Then we had this, I got to tell you this, you will probably remember it. We meet, the three of us are going to meet. You call a meeting and you say, Okay, I happen to be in New York. I'm always in LA, but I happen to be in New York. We all meet at this Midtown Hotel.

We got to all meet in person.

We meet and Rose doesn't disappoint. She shows up. She was on the subway. She comes in. She She's such a... I'm in my mind thinking, She'll come here in a white carriage. I'm just such a besaded fool. She's a princess.

But you weren't worried about how I got there?

I don't give a shit how you got there. You're tough.

This is what... Anyway, I go on with this. No.

The three of us are there, and then Rose really quickly starts to... You're like, Oh, I'm really excited, and this is going to be great. Rose looks at me and she goes, 'Conan, so what acting have you done? ' She did do that. She did do that. I said, 'well, I haven't really done anything. I mean, I've been in sketches on me. ' She went, ', yeah, not sketches. She's doing it in this... She is so funny. She's so funny and so sweet. She's very sweet. She wasn't doing this, but she's doing this from a kid's sister giving 'Conan' a hard time.

It was like, 'What? ' What? What?

What How much have you been in? How much have you been in? I was like, Well, I haven't really been in any movies, Rose.

But you can call her on it because she's doing it in such a sweet way.

No, and she's doing it in such a sweet way. Then she said, . She said, Well, but you must have been in high school where you went to plays? I went, I wasn't really in plays, no. She's like, Huh.

Then she looked at me.

Then she looked at you. She was like, What are you doing with your movie, Mary, that I'm in? Then she said, Well, you probably took acting classes. She kept going. She kept going. She kept I was like, Oh, my God.

I was sitting there like, This is...

You know in those cartoons when someone shrinks because they've been humiliated? I kept getting smaller and smaller. Then I'm sitting on top of a crouton, like it's a massive pillow. I'm like, Hey, I'm going to do my best. I'm like, This is a tiny little person.

I'm just swilling drinks.

It's a morning meeting and you are pounding vodka back.

Double fisting it. I was like, What is going on? Then Rose looked at me and winked.

Yeah.

I was like, Okay, but also, why are you doing that? But she was doing that. She was doing that to tell you, You got to work. You're going to work.

Which is my modus operandi anyway. I've never in my life said, Check this out.

But I wish someone had filmed that meeting because- It's so funny. First of all, I was just watching it as if it was a scene and loving it on that level. But then as the person who The cast at both of you and knowing that your scenes are exclusively only with each other, I'm dying a little, not a little, but a lot. Because then in my mind, I'm like, Oh, after this meeting, Rose is going to come to me and be like, He never even took an acting class. What's going on here? But she didn't. She came up to me after the meeting and was like, He's so great. I'm so excited. I can't wait.

But that's also- But blood was coming out her eyes when she said it. Are you okay, Rose?

I lost a couple of years off my life on that one. But guess what? I was right.

Mcdonald's burgers are prepared to order, and the patties are made from whole cuts of beef sourced from farms across Ireland, with a pinch of salt and pepper. Nothing else. There's not much else to say, really. That sizzle speaks louder than words. Served after 11: 00 AM, subject to availability.

Northside or Southside, butter or meal, spice bag or chipper chips, totes of maize balls, or bleeding deadly. The one thing that Dubliners agree on is their number one choice of broadband. Over half of Dubliners choose Virgin Media with 99. 9% broadband reliability. You can't please all of Dublin all of the time, but you can please over 50% of Dubliners 99. 9% of the time. Virgin Media.

It's playtime. Teas & Sees apply. Subject to availability, see virginmedia. Ie/proof. There's a reason you set the alarm. A reason you're out here before the world wakes. It's because you know every run bills towards something bigger. And now, when you run the Irish Life Dublin Marathon, you'll get up to €50 back with an Irish Life Health Benefit Plan. Just one more reason to keep running. Because every run counts. A better life with Irish Life. Available on benefit plans, cashback depends on level of cover. Terms and conditions apply. Irish Life Health stack is regulated by the Central Bank of Ireland. Hi, my name is Mary Bronstein, and I feel destined about being-Wow. Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey, Konan O'Brien here, and I'm sitting with Matt and Sona, and this is a special episode of Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Today, I'm welcoming Mary Bronstein, the director of a film that I'm in, which is a strange thing to say because that's something I didn't expect from my cookey career.

But Mary Ronstein has made, I think, a really terrific film, and it stars Rose Burn, and it's called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. I'm in the movie as well, and so is ASAP Rocky. There's a lot of just brain twisters here because America has been saying, How come, Conor O'Brien and ASAP Rocky haven't been in a film together yet? Well, guess what? Problem solved. We're in a film together. The new Bogie and Bacal. That'd be funny. Tracey and Hepburn. If all of our movies We're just together now. We're like Hope and Crosby. But it was a wonderful experience. The movie's out now, and it's in New York, and it's in Los Angeles, and I think it will start appearing in other areas soon after that. I'm just very happy. Just very happy for- Congratulations. Well, thank you. This is exciting for you. I'm in some intense scenes with Roseburn, who is, I think, one of the great actors on the planet right now. I really do. She can do anything. I love her so much. Yeah. Well, get in line, buddy. Okay. I didn't mean to be that aggressive. I know. We both can like her.

Okay. It's all right. Just not as much as me. I like her more. This is a chat with the director, Mary Bronstein, who is such an impressive force. She made this whole world spring from her mind. It was just an honor to get to work with her. We'll be talking to her today. Please welcome Mary Bronstein. Did you manifest this whole relationship? Yes, I did. You did, actually. There's a whole story here. Oh, yeah. We're going to get into it. Let me initiate. Anyone who doesn't know what's going on here, Mary Brian Bronstein, very talented screenwriter, director, auteur, has made a movie. I did. Called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. This is not your first movie, but you made this film, and it stars Rose Burn, and I'm in there, too, improbably. We'll get to that glitch in your career. But the response has been fantastic and stunning, and the movies coming Coming out soon. Working with you has been a joy and a great journey. I don't get to say journey often, but it really has been a journey. I'm just so delighted you're here. Really. This is like a twilight zone moment for me.

I'm staying in this hotel on the Sunset Strip. Across the street is the Viper Room and the Whisky. I go into my hotel room on the coffee table in the Hotel Room is a magazine with Rose on the cover of it with me inside of it talking in the magazine. Not talking in the magazine. Quoted. Quoted in the magazine. That's a proper way to say it. But soon, talking magazines are coming. I just invented that copyright. And then- Tablet. That's called a tablet. I'm sorry. That's called a tablet as a talking magazine. I have to interject in this very important moment. You're painting a great story, and then, of course. Someone have ruined it. I'm going to take it back. I'm going to grab it back. Then Then I'm here, and I have been a fan of yours since day one, day one of your original show. September 13th, 1993. I'm freshly 14 years old. Freshly. We actually had an encounter, didn't we? Over a fax machine. Yeah. Steamy. Yeah. As one does. The best romantic scenes. As one Take place over a fax machine. In the early '90s, that's what you did. You were a young fan of the show, and you were a real fan.

Yeah, we can get into that if you want, but I can... Yes, I was a real fan. I had a school project where it was like, Pick a career that you want to have and then interview a person in the career. Because this will tell you everything about me and my personality, I said, Well, I want to be in show business. I'm an interviewer, Conan O'Marrant. What I did was I figured out, I did some slew thing, some early '90s slew thing, which is hard to do. No internet. No internet. There was a little booklet that they used to sell in the drama bookshop in New York City called Ross Reports Television. Do you know what I'm talking about? No. In it, it had every television show and the contact information. It was for actors to use to submit to television. Sure. That's how I got the phone number to the office of the show. I called and I spoke to some woman and I told her what I wanted to do. She goes, I can't promise that he's going to do it, but here's the fax number, fax the questions. I live in a suburb, and here, literally, I don't have a fax machine in my house.

I literally walk down to the gas station, walk in the gas station with my papers. I love this portrait of another time. I know. I finished churning my butter. I did. Then I walked down to the gas station. Then I walked down to the gas station. I sewed my own outfit and I put it on. I walked down to the gas station and I faxed it. Then I was like, But wait a minute, how am I going to know if it faxes back? Then literally for the next week, every probably two hours, I called the gas station. Did I get a fax? Did I get a fax? One day they said, Yes, you did. I go, and you answer my questions, man. You revealed some things. I know that you took tap dancing lessons when you were a kid because you put that in the questions. I wrote my essay, the teacher gave me an A, but also didn't believe it, I think. A little bit. But that happened. Also, that says a lot about me. My middle name is Tenacity. It says a lot about you. Your middle name is Mensch. That's nice. That is- Also time on his hands.

It's my other middle name. Look, I don't know- I'm just going to fax some gas stations. It was in your handwriting. You filled it out with your handwriting. That's nice. You didn't bother to type it. Let's get that. My handwriting is like typing. Do you still have that fax? I do, and I should have brought it. That's okay. But I didn't. But I do- I don't want people to see that I do little smiley faces. I dot my eyes with smiley faces. Then at heart when I say goodbye. But it was a beautiful thing. It was something that really... I was like, Oh, people in show business, it's not inaccessible. That was my first... I grew up... My parents were teachers. I grew up in a suburb. I didn't know anyone who was in show business or anyone that was even making an artist. The fact that you could make a living as an artist, I didn't know about that. That's exactly my same experience with growing up, and I've said this a million times, never saw anyone famous. I felt like I was as far from show business. I didn't think it was something that I could ever do.

Absolutely. It was saying, Oh, yeah, I'll live on Mars. I mean, it was- Absolutely. It feels that far away. It feels that far away. It's funny because I want to now tell the story of how I come into this whole picture. Yes, please do. Which is One day, I was going down to a place that's near my house to get some stuff for lunch. My phone rings, and it's Adam Sandler, so I rush to a fax machine. No, I pick it up, and he's like, Hey, buddy, is it okay if I give one of the Safty brothers your phone number? Josh Safty. Josh Safty. Is it okay if I give Josh Safty from A24? Someone wants you in a film, an A24 film. Some lady. Some lady. I said, What? He said, Do you want to just look at the script? I said, I guess so. I mean, yeah, I guess so. He went, That's right, buddy. Are you stupid? A24, Safty, script. Lady that you don't know. Yeah, lady I don't know who claims she has a letter from you. I read the script, and again, I don't pretend to know this is not my world.

I can't say that enough. But I read the script and I immediately thought, this is a very original voice. This is a very original story, and there's a great tone control. There's a tone to this movie that just comes off the page. Again, I'm saying this as someone who doesn't read scripts professionally. I don't know of that world, but I know what I like. You and I had a meeting, and I took the meeting just to try and maybe talk you out of having me. That was the meeting? Yeah. You kept saying, I love the script. I want to do it. I can't do it. I've never acted. I don't think I can do it. I do want to do it, but I can't do it. That was the whole meeting. It's like Faye Dunaway in Chinatown. It was flapping me. I don't want to do it. I got to do it. My sister, my mother, my sister, my brother. 100%. It was one of those moments. I said to you, Well, I think you can do it. Then you said that you were in a place in your life where you were doing a radical yes.

Yes. I was saying yes to things that scared me. That scared you. You said, So that's the place that I'm going to say yes from. Then you said, You made me promise you that if you sucked, that I would fire you, and that we could We'll be friends. Yeah. It's not too late for that. It is. It literally is too late. That's why you're here? It literally is too late. If I- She does feel that way, but it's too late. I could go back to the editing room, but if you see the movie, it'd be very bizarre if I edited you out. You could just, funny, if you just cut from Rose Byrne talking to me, and it's just a bag of golf balls. Just a bag of golf balls that says therapist. It has a crude face paint on it. Therapist here. So No, but you're fabulous. You showed up and you did it and you worked hard and you're fabulous and accept it. Take the compliment. Sure. I killed it. Yes, you did. I think what was funny is I did make you promise. I said, I don't want to be the guy that ruins your great.

I think this thing is terrific. Then Rose signs on Roseburn, and I'm like, Oh, my God. I've never seen Roseburn be anything but fantastic. She's She's one of the best that we have. One of the best working actress we have today. This was such a different chance for her, just a role for her. When you said Rose Byrne is going to be your scene partner, I had two instincts. The repressed Irish Catholic boy in me was like, I love her so much. Maybe she'll smile at me. Your tongue rolled out like, I know. I know. I know. I know. Who doesn't? If you've got a pulse, you have a crush on Rose Burns. I have a crush on her. I do, too. I'm obsessed with her. I was delighted, but also, Oh, my God, I can't let Rose Burns down. I don't want to be... Then we had this, I got to tell you this, you will probably remember it. The three of us are going to meet. You call a meeting and you say, Okay, I happen to be in New York. I'm always in LA, I happened to be in New York. We all meet at this Midtown Hotel.

We got to all meet in person. We meet, and Rose doesn't disappoint. She shows up. She was on the subway. She comes in. She takes the subway. I'm in my mind thinking, She'll come here in a white carriage. I'm just such a besaded fool. She's a princess. But you weren't worried about How I got there? I don't give a shit how you got there. You're tough. This is what... Anyway, I go on with this. No. The three of us are there, and then Rose really quickly starts to... You're like, Oh, I'm really excited, and this is going to be great. Rose looks at me and she goes, 'Conan, so what acting have you done? ' She did do that. I said, Well, I haven't really done anything. I mean, I've been in sketches on, and she went, , yeah, not sketches. She's doing it in this, she She is so funny. She's so funny and so sweet. She's very sweet.

She wasn't doing this, but she's doing this from a kid's sister giving Konan a hard time. It wasn't Konan. What movies have you been in? I was like, Well, I haven't really been in any movies, Rose. But you can call her on it because she's doing it in such a sweet way. No, and she's doing it in such a sweet way. Then she said, . She said, Well, but you must have been in high school where you went to plays. I went, I wasn't really in no. She's like, huh? Then she looked at me. Then she looked at you. She was like, What are you doing with your movie, Mary, that I'm in? Then she said, Well, you probably took acting classes. She kept going. She kept going. She kept going. I was like, Oh, my God. I was sitting there like, This is... You know in those cartoons when someone shrinks because they've been humiliated? I kept getting smaller and smaller. Then I'm sitting on top of a crouton. It's a massive philo. I'm like, Hey, well, I'm going to do my best. I'm like, this tiny little person. I'm just swilling drinks. It's a morning meeting and you are pounding vodka back.

Double fisting it. I was like, What is going on? Then Rose looked at me and winked. I was like, Okay, but also, why are you doing that? But she was doing that. She was doing that to tell you, You're going to work. Which is my modus operandi anyway. I I've never in my life said, Check this out. But I wish someone had filmed that meeting because- It's so funny. First of all, I was just watching it as if it was a scene and loving it on that level. But then as the person who casted both of you and knowing that your scenes are exclusively only with each other, I'm dying a little, not a little, but a lot. Because then in my mind, I'm like, Oh, after this meeting, Rose is going to come to me and be like, He never even took an acting What's going on here? But she didn't. She came up to me after the meeting and was like, He's so great. I'm so excited. I can't wait. But that's also- But blood was coming out her eyes when she said it. Are you okay, Rose? I lost a couple of years off my life on that one.

But guess what? I was right. Mcdonald's burgers are prepared to order, and the patties are made from whole cuts of beef sourced from farms across Ireland with a pinch of salt and pepper. Nothing else. There's not much else to say, really. That sizzle speaks louder than words. Served after 11: 00 AM, subject to availability. Northside or Southside, butter or mayo, spice bag or chipper chips, totes of maize balls, or bleeding deadly. The one thing that Dubliners agree on is their number one choice of broadband. Over half of Dubliners choose virgin media with 99. 9% broadband reliability. You can't please all of Dublin all of the time, but you can please over 50% of Dubliners 99. 9% of the time. Virgin Media. It's playtime. Teas & Sees apply. Subject to availability, see virginmedia. Ie/proof. There's a reason you set the alarm. A reason you're out here before the world wakes. It's because you know every run builds towards something bigger. And now, when you run the Irish Life Dublin Marathon, you'll get up to €50 back with an Irish Life Health Benefit Plan. Just one more reason Keep running because every run counts. A better life with Irish life.

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I don't want to give spoilers on the movie. This is not a spoiler. You play her therapist. Yeah. So the rest of the meeting was us all talking about therapy, which we all have our stories.

Well, When I decided you came out here to LA, right to this studio in Larchmont.

I announced to you.

You said, I'm coming and we're going to work. I didn't ask. You and I would meet out on this little terrace.

For four hours a day for one week.

Really? Four hours a day, and we would go over and you would drill me on who is this guy, what's his deal? You had me- Drill you. All the things that I have to admit as a novice, I would be suspicious of. It was a boot camp. I have to know what shoes this guy likes or what his backstory is. You do. But you did it, and I could see the value of it. And by the time my assistant, David Hopping, came with me- I was looking for him.

He's in the room.

No, he's banished. He's being punished.

He knows why.

I love David.

No, but- Yeah, David's great. Come on.

But David, he's out in the hallway. I'm jealous. David came with me, and we went to New York for the shooting. For the shoot, yeah. It was my scenes with Rose are in the smallest office. It's a real office. It might even be a real therapist's office. It was.

It was a real therapist suite that I took over.

Why don't you use that guy?

No, I completely redid it in my imagination what I wanted it to be, which is that there's different kinds of therapists, right? We've all been in therapy. We've all been in therapy, right? Here, we all met it. After I got this job, especially. No, no.

No. No. You and Eduardo are looking at each other.

No, Sona? No.

No. No, I don't. No, you don't need to be in therapy. I do need. No, you do not. I don't think. You are Zorba the Greek. You do not need therapy.

Then you don't need it. Not everybody needs it. But in New York, you throw a pebble, the person's been in therapy. Everybody's in therapy. I've had good therapists, I've had bad therapists. I've had every therapist in between. What fascinates me is that therapists have different kinds of offices. I can know when I walk into the office, I'm like, either I'm like, Okay, this is going to work. I like this, or I'm like, I got to get the fuck out of here. This guy. Oh, can I swear?

No. This airs on CBS tomorrow.

I just went blue. I just worked blue a little bit.

This is being introed by Elmo.

Why did I ask that? I'm such a dork. Anyway, I'm going to say it again. I go, I got to get the fuck out of here. Then it's because some therapists take a lot of care in every inch of the room, having a meaning or a purpose in a therapeutic sense. I'm going to pick this color for the wall because it's calming. I'm going to put these knickknacks here because they might elicit something, but they don't give anything away about me. Then some therapists, you go in, there's a picture of them with their mom and dog, and like, That's too much. Then there's a therapist that Rose plays who she's hanging on for the last thread. She just went in. She was like, This is the room. Okay, I'll rent it. The furniture that came with the room is fine. Also, I don't clean up my garbage. Come in. Welcome. You guys are two very different types of therapists. It was a real room, very tiny. If you remember, the way that I like to direct or the way that I like to run a set is that I don't I like to be down the hall on a monitor.

When I can be, I like to be in the room. That's because for the rest of time, I will see the performance on a screen. It's my only chance. I set up the shot. I know what I said. I'm not just going in and sitting there. I set up the shot myself. I know what the framing is in my mind, but I watch it live like a play. It's the greatest pleasure for me. Then I watch it back, and then we decide if we're going to do it again. But watching you guys, I'd be sitting in the little corner. It was a very tiny room. And watching you guys, sometimes I would forget that this was my movie. I would just be like, I'm watching a play. Your chemistry, and you guys were both so in it, and the work we did, was I correct or incorrect?

You were 100% correct.

Because all that's in there.

Well, the other thing... Okay, I'll admit to this, which is I've done a lot of scary things in my career, terrifying things, and I keep doing terrifying things. I mean, physically terrifying things, and then just things where I feel like, Oh, my God, I could really get it. My career could be shattered here if this doesn't go well. I'm used to doing scary things, but there was a moment where it's just Rose and I looking at each other and we have this intense scene to do. Then you say, action, and my heart is pounding in my chest, which is not me. But for the first take, when we're really doing the movie and I'm aware there's a whole crew here, there's cameras, this is very intimate, that's Rose and action, I could feel when you can feel your circulatory system.

There's nowhere to hide in that moment.

All my normal tricks of I can rift, I can come up with a funny distraction, none of that's going to happen. Then I have to say the secret weapon in that situation is Rose Burn, because I would see her go from zero to 95. I mean, I described this to one reporter, but she can just pull her own heart out and rip it in half in front of you. Then you would yell, Cut, and she'd say, Hey, can I get a sandwich?

A hundred %.

I don't know. I just said, I don't know that we're the same species. I don't know how you do that, Rose.

A hundred %. I also remember, and when people watch the movie, they'll know exactly what scene I'm talking about, but I don't want to give it away. There's a very intense scene, very intense, where she is literally, and I don't know, and this is you doing technical acting. I don't know how you did She's literally screaming in your face, one inch from your face. It's very intense. I remember that when I called Cut on that, she just started hysterically laughing, and she couldn't stop. She fell off the couch and was crying being laughing. It was a release. You were sitting there and you didn't know what was happening. I knew what was happening. But you were just like, did her brain just break? Did you just break Roseburn? But when you're doing intense work like that, Look, the two, and this is also in the movie, it's baked into the idea of the movie where you're talking about tone in a very calculated way, is that when the universe is piling everything onto you and it's like the universe is doing everything to work against you and something really bad is happening, but then also you get all the red lights and then also your pencil breaks and it's just too much, you can laugh or you can cry.

Those are the two ways that your body physically deals with that. In this movie, I do both of those things. But Rose is the type of actress, she can get a laugh on the heels of a cry.

Yes.

Where I'm cutting it because I know that I'm cutting from her crying, and I know what's the next thing, and it's a laugh. I think what is going to surprise people the most that are fans of yours is that your character is devoid of humor. Yeah. Devoid.

Well, you know it's funny. There's a lot of... And again, I don't want to give too much- But you get laughs because it's so extreme. Well, the other thing is that I realized early on, I did not like this character I'm playing. I used to tell you, I don't like this guy. What did I say?

Do you remember?

Shut up and do it. I said, I'll put peanut butter on your lips.

I said, Where's Greg Kinnear? Yeah, exactly. I got to get him.

Get me Kinnear.

No, I said, You have to love him because he's you. But also you have to release the fact that people in the theater might not like him because there's some people in life that you don't like. There's some people in a movie that you don't like, and we can't be scared of that.

Well, this is the other thing that fascinates me. I realized early on, especially when, I mean, multiply this by a thousand once you cast Rose. Once Rose burns in the film, and I realized my relationship with that character, it's contrary to every instinct I have in my body as Konan.

A hundred %.

I am a people pleaser. This will shock you, Matt, but I do very much want A lot of my career has been trying to put people at ease and make them okay and make everyone okay.

I'm not letting you do that.

Yeah, for better or worse. In this role, I had to do the opposite. When it's Rose, who was probably one of the people in show business that I would most want to please, you've made it a thousand times harder. Impossible. I'm locked in this little room and I realized, Oh, I see what this is. That helped me a lot was to know any instinct I have, I need to go the other way, almost.

It's like the George Costanza. Yeah, exactly.

I'm going to say the opposite. Do the opposite of what I would normally do.

But yeah, and it's also Also for me, it was so magical to see you transform that way because like we talked about at the beginning, I've been watching you on screen for over 30 years. I know that thing that you're talking about, and it's what made me a fan. Then it's this thing, I don't know what that says about me, that then I wanted to take you and strip all of that off. So that then you're left with something, it's so raw what you're doing. It's such a trust me. You trusted me. Yeah, of course. In a way that I'm always going to be grateful for because that is your go-to, what you're talking about. I'm saying, you're not allowed to do any of that. You did it so fantastically. That means that it's also part of you.

It's also why I would be disbarred as a therapist.

Because you said, Can't my character just say, Let's go for a walk Can't I just say, Go take a nap and I'll babysit? And I'm like, No, you can't.

Every instinct, if I was a therapist and would be to completely cross the line and say, Well, this sounds rough. Okay, here's what we're going to do. I mean, nothing creepy, but this is what we're going to do. I'm renting you a hotel room. I'm getting you a hotel room. You get some sleep. I'll look after your kid. I'm going to go out and get you some tacos.

And I'm going to bring them to you. I'm going to I'm not a therapist like that. I'm not a therapist like that. Are you okay now?

How about I get you more sleep? That's okay. I'll stand outside the door and guard you.

The husband is like, What is this therapist? Why is he up to?

What's this guy?

What's he up to? Why is he renting you in your hotel rooms?

Now we get to the part where it's getting really surreal to me because I cannot stress enough that movie making, film, it's never been on my agenda. Also, it's the opposite of the art or show business that I'm involved in. Mine is very much, we make this, It's immediate. For almost three decades, it was, we'll have an idea at three o'clock in the afternoon that we really like, and we'll do it at five, and it will air that night.

I'm so jealous of that. I'm so jealous of that.

Well, there's a yin and yang. The only experience I had with this long wait was The Simpsons, where I'd come up with an idea, I'd work on it with all the other writers, we'd make it as good as we could, and then a year would go by.

Is that true?

I never thought about that. It's close to a year. I mean, sometimes it's less, but I think for some of my episodes, it was much to the point where you almost forgot what this was all about, and then it would come out.

I never thought about that. Yeah.

Because it's animation. It's a joy. This is very different. And so what happened was we went through this intense experience. We made this. I'm then released. Then I'm doing all the stuff that I do and very much me-focused and in my world. Then I'm hearing from you occasionally that editing and then I got to the point where this had completely drifted away from me. And then it starts to creep back in in this very nice way, which is I'm hearing really nice things. You're very happy. The one thing I always said is, all I want for you is for you to make the movie you want to make. You called me up one day and said, We locked it. It's the movie I wanted to make. I remember that day. I said, Who is You said, Who is this again?

No, I remember that day. You were the person I wanted to call and say that to because you said that to me. The thing is that I can say, and not all people can say this, and on another film I make, I might not be able to say this, but I can say this about this film. From my brain to the page to the screen, I made no creative concessions. But not because it's easy to do that, because Because you fight, and you fight, and you fight, and you fight, and then, and you can't not give up. And filmmaking is the longest con that there is because of how long it takes to do. Then you have to wait for it to come out. I was so impatient. The fighting never stops. I don't mean fighting like people are trying to not let you do it, but just that if you have an idea and you know that the idea is correct, someone else might have a different opinion about it. But I don't want that opinion. It's mine. This is mine. I would fight. A24, I have to say, we're such wonderful partners because I won every fight.

Sometimes the fights are almost like you have to. I announced, this movie shall have no score. The score is sound design. It's only sound design. Well, then it's like, well, you can't do that. You have to have a score. No, don't. It doesn't have a score, and it's correct for the movie. It's not that... Then my next movie might have a score. I don't know. But for this movie, it doesn't. It doesn't stop. When you're saying about what so, I think, when I was a teenager, what I so responded to, and the late night form in general, a letterman before you and then alongside you, the form of it feels loose like that. It You feel it through the television when you're watching it. It feels loose, and it feels immediate, and it's ephemeral. Say, probably to you, you want to die, but if you have an idea and you do the skit or the piece, and it bombs, it's over, and then you're on to the next thing. You're doing another show the next day. You're doing another piece after the next commercial break, whatever. There's an immediacy to that that I think is so magical that for me, that's broadcast television.

That's the magic of broadcast television. I'm 46 years old, so you just dropped. That was a mic drop. I was limited. I was riveted and I dropped my- You just couldn't believe it when I said.

You're the professional in the room. No.

When I said I'm 46 years old, he flicked the fuck out.

He got 26.

No, because he's uncomfortable with middle-aged women, and I understand now. That was- Famously.

Very famously. He's always awkward around me.

I just dropped my pen.

No. At the moment, I said, are you 46?

Sometimes a pipe is just a pipe.

You know what?

I'll let it go. I want to get to something you said that I think is worth talking about. You said, and again, don't want to give away too much about the movie, but you said there's a lot of... There have been many women going crazy movies, but none of them by women. All of them have been made by men. And that was important to you. I do think that you can feel the difference in the film. That it's your point of view and it's devoid. And look, many many men have made many good films about this, but it has to be different than a woman doing it.

I don't take anything away from any of those films. All those films are inside my body and my DNA, and they come out through my work somehow. But one time I heard Denzel Washington say something that really, it stuck with me because the interviewer said to him, Why is it so important to you? I forget even what the movie he was promoting, but why is it so important to you that the filmmakers and the whatever are also Black. He said, It's not about color. It's not about race. It's about culture. He's like, I know what it feels like and smells like to have a hot comb go through my hair on a Sunday morning. I don't know what that is. It's the same way that a man doesn't know what it's like to be socialized in a society as a girl and grow up and to be a woman. They just don't. I don't know what it's like to be a man. It's fine. I can write a movie about a man A man can write a movie about a woman. I can write a movie about a Black person. Black person can write a per...

It doesn't matter. But it's that thing of it's culture, it's experience. It's just baked in. I think it's 2025, and it's still radical for people to tell their own stories, which is wild to me. Filmmaking is a male-dominated field, and that's just the way it is. My whole thing is like, it doesn't have to be the way it is. Why is it the way it is? I'm going to radically... All I care about is creating female characters that are full human beings that are on the screen. We know those. We know those women. We have encountered those women in different ways. Sometimes we are those women. We might love them, or we might not like them, or we might see ourselves in them, or we might say, They might scare us. None of that's bad. It's all great because the thing about movies is that you are in a theater and you are asked to get into somebody else's point of view, into somebody else's life. Whether you brought up Chinatown or some of my favorite movies, Bonnie and Clyde, movies that you immerse yourself in, like The Shining. You forget yourself. That's the idea of a movie.

That's the magic of movies. You forget yourself, you forget your life, and then you open the door. Best thing is if you see a movie in the daytime and you open the door and you forget it's daytime and the sun hits you in the face. That's magical. That's movies. That means that you forgot.

You were transported. Yes.

People are scared of being asked to get into somebody else's mind or point of view that they're not familiar with. For me, in a radical way, I just want to push that as far as it goes. I'm not a provocator. I'm not one. I'm wearing a two.

You're so not one, you can't even say it.

Now, I'm just I'm going to keep saying it.

I am no provocator.

Provocator. Because it's such a pretentious word to say because you have to say it with an accent. I hate that. I'm wearing a John Waters T-shirt. He is one. He is one. But he is a huge influence on my work Because he's just like, You know what? I have an idea. I'm going to put it on film. You like it, you don't like it. It doesn't matter.

Mcdonald's burgers are prepared to order, and the potties are made from whole cuts of beef sourced from farms across Ireland, with a pinch of salt and pepper. Nothing else. There's not much else to say, really. That sizzle speaks louder than words. Served after 11: 00 AM, subject to availability.

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It's playtime. Tees & Sees apply. Subject to availability, see virginmedia. Ie/proof.

I also just want to point out that to people that are just listening, there's a lot of humor in the movie. Oh, yeah. I don't want to give anything away, but you pitch me one thing that I thought, I don't see how this is going to work, and it involves a puppet. Oh, yeah. I thought- Oh, there's puppets in this movie.

Nice. Oh, there's puppets.

It's so over the top. The comedy is really dark, which is my favorite kind.

Yes, gallows humor.

It's gallows humor, but there's a puppet scene, and I thought, I'm reading the script.

But you said you laughed out loud when you read it in the script.

Yeah, no, I thought it was really funny, but I also thought, I don't see how this is going to work. And then it's It's one of my favorite things. It's really ridiculous.

Because you know why? If you're going to use puppets in a movie, you do it. My whole thing, there's no way that... I'm not tricking anybody into thinking that it's not a puppet. I can say without giving anything away, it involves a hamster.

Also, I'm a puppet. You're not a puppet.

Well, yes, you are. You are my puppet, and I was the puppet master.

We were going to watch it, and there's a cardboard corner going, Whoa, okay, Rose. I call her Rose. Okay, Rose. That's another thing you kept saying, Cut.

Cut. That's not her name.

How are you, Roseburn? Cut.

Roseburn from Movies and Television. How are you?

Hello, famed Roseburn.

I'm your therapist. Televisions, Roseburn. I'm your therapist. Cut.

Ronan. Oh, right.

No, with the Puppets, it's like, I don't care. It's like the Muppet show is a big influence on me. I don't watch the Muppet show now. As an adult, it lives inside my… It's part of my DNA.

All these things are, yeah.

It's like, you see strings on the Muppet show. You see strings. You see, sometimes you see, it doesn't matter because you're watching a puppet and no one's trying to pretend that you're not. There's something radical about that. There's something so... It's visceral.

It's visceral. I'll tell you, one of the most shocking things I've seen in my life is in my New York existence being asked to do something on Sesame Street and going over to Queens or Brooklyn, wherever they were.

Oh, my God. Please tell me the story. I'm living for this.

I go in and there's like, Okay, Connor, we're going to shoot this thing, and Elmo's there, and you're going to be here. I'm just looking around because it's where they shoot everything. It's limited space because it's a very urban warehouse or studio. I look up and they have lashed Snuffaluffegus to the ceiling. You got to keep him somewhere. They lashed him to the ceiling and it looks exactly like the guard that Hannibal Leclerc flays and puts up, skins and hangs up. You're shocked. It's Snuffaluffegus. You're an adult, and you're still shocked. I'm an adult. I was in my 30s. I looked up and I went, Sweet Christ, no. He's inanimate. His eyes have rolled back in his head and he's lashed to the ceiling. Something the genius of the Muppets is when they're animated, you believe. You talk to them. When you see Snuffleuvicus hollowed out, drained of his blood and lashed to the ceiling by a serial killing monster. That's horrifying.

Did he have to be on the ceiling? Because I guess they didn't…

They were just like, Hoist them up. We got to clear this space. It's a 170-pound costume. So yeah. Then when they were done with me, they lashed me to the ceiling.

No.

That's the end of that bit. But anyway.

I went to the Sesame Street workshop one time because My best friend, Amy, who's here in the other room- Oh, I know Amy. Because she's my best friend. She's the best.

We'll see.

Well, there's time. Well, you know what, Connie? You know what?

I'm very competitive with Amy. She was like, I'm her best friend. I'm like, Well, I don't know.

You could work it.

I'm buying you a car.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to get you land upstate. Two deaths. Rye, New York. A lot of land.

Very needy. Rye, New York. I have family that lives there. Let's take somewhere more exciting where I haven't been.

Bermuda.

I I'm driving a car there that you bought me because you shipped it there?

I shipped it there at my own expense.

What does my house look like?

It's made of $100,000 bills.

Do I have to work?

You never have to work again. But you do have to show up for your foot massage done by a professional foot masseuse whose name's Guillermo. Listen, I've got this all figured out. I'm your new best friend.

Do you see my face right now? I'm a little bit... You know what? I'm tempted. But I don't think you can pull it off. I can. I I think you're selling me some snake oil over here. Hand drop moment. But what I was going to say was that she took a puppetry class in college as as one does, to spend our parents' money very wisely. Sure. The culmination of the class is that they were going to go see the Sesame Street. I said, Guess what? I'm going to pretend to be in the class. I'm going on this trip. I did. I showed up and You lied to the Sesame Street gang. I was sneaking. I was just in. I want the professor to see me. I'd be so excited. I went in there and I saw, here's what I saw, my friend. I saw Big Bird's legs not attached to his body.

Horrifying. It's a gou's paradise in there.

They were fixing them. They were fixing them and putting refelting them or whatever it was. They were on a table like a surgeon's table, and they were attached to no body. I couldn't ask a question, but in my mind, I was like, Where's the rest of Big Bird?

In a wheelchair.

Yeah.

He had no legs, man. That's where I came up. Then I came up with the title for this movie.

Yeah, exactly. If I had legs. It's a horse. I brought it back around. You brought it around. You made it work. Never go to the Sesame Street set. I'm just telling you, it's terrifying. You don't need to hide that stuff. The two old men up in the balcony who criticized the show. That's me. Yeah, guess what? I saw their genitals nailed to a wall. Oh, boy. They You know what? There's no reason for that.

You took it a little far. You did.

That's what I do. My name is Johnny Too Far. No, they don't have genitals. That's not cool. You know what? I want to get to the happiest part of this whole thing is that I'm going to New York next week. I'm going to do Colbert's show, and I get to throw to a clip. Oh, wow. Guess who picks the clip?

I'm picking that clip, baby.

Well, what's crazy to me is I have spent a whole career making fun of the idea of throwing to a clip. You have to set it up. Now I'm going to throw to a real clip. I never thought of that before. My whole life has been, what's a good bit about throwing to a clip? Never throw to a clip. Mac and me. Yeah, all my work with Mr. Paul Rudd.

Yeah, top that.

No.

What if I'm macing me you, but it's not Macking me, it's something else? Now I got to think about... But I have to think of my career.

Yeah, exactly. You do. Unfortunately, I do not have to think about my career. A24 wouldn't like that if I did that. Yeah, they would say, What happened? We're not releasing this film.

No, and it was just Don Natz.

Going to a conversation we had off mic about Mr. Don Natz. One of the greats of all time- When are we not talking about Don Natz? And then- So what are you going to do?

You thought about it? I'm going to throw to a clip. He's going to say, Do you want to say something about this? Set it up? Say something about this clip.

Yeah, I have to know which clip it is.

I'm not going to tell you. I know. That's the tricky part. No, I'm going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you.

I'm not going to tell you. But it's just so funny to me to be. I'm here to come on. All right. Well, Konan's movie opens. Yeah, you got to accept it, man. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, I'm going for it. You're a movie star now. But I have Two strong feelings about this whole endeavor, which is I am just so happy for Rose Byrne because she is being noticed in a big way.

Hiding in plain sight.

Hiding in plain which is what you said to me about Rose. I'm going to cast this person who everyone loves, who's amazing, and she needs... Now it's her time. You nailed it, and I'm thrilled for you because you have been... Thank you. You are incredibly tenacious. There were many hurdles, many obstacles. You had to overcome a lot. You got this made. You're a very, very impressive person, and I'm thrilled to be your second best friend.

Second I'm best friend.

The movie is If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. When is the premiere date? When does this happen?

It comes out in New York and LA on October 10th, and then all other major cities on the 17th. Then after that, wide.

I'm going to a premiere next week.

You're going to premiere at the New York Film Festival.

I bought a feather boa for this. Oh, wow. That's an interesting choice. What do you mean interesting? It's what all the actresses do. You know what?

Actresses. Actresses. But you know what? We can gender bend. It's fine. It's okay.

I've been gender bending for a long time. No one's quite sure what I am. Bending. You're just bending. Okay, Mary Bronstein. Thank you. Go, go, go. Never stop. Do your thing. Thank you. I'm really proud of you. I'm your ovuncular pal.

You know what? You are. I really am. You always tell me that you're proud of me, and I appreciate it. I really do. Because you know what? I'm proud of you.

I can't handle. This podcast- Do it.

Accept it.

Okay, I accept it. I just threw it up. Podcast over. Pen dropped. Yeah.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Cessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourly. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Leal. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our Associate Talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can You can also get three free months of Serious XM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/konan. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend' wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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