Transcript of Bill Burr Live From The Fonda Theater In Hollywood

Hey, thank you to Hyundai for sponsoring this event. The all-new Hyundai Palisade Hybrid is more than just another SUV. It's still the Palisade, but with so much more. Learn more about the Hyundai Palisade at hundayusa. Com. Fallas here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Cohnen O'Brien. Hey. How are you? Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very What lovely-looking people. Please have a seat. Everybody have a seat. Come on, you just wasted a standing ovation. Thanks for being here. We're very excited to be doing, Coda O'Brien needs a friend to hear at the beautiful Fonda Theater. Yeah? Yeah. I had never played this theater before. This is my first... Who's been here before? Have you been here at the Fonda? Is it mostly music here or is there a comedy as well? Mostly music. Okay, so this is terrible what we're doing. Okay. No, I asked a friend of mine who knows all the theaters.

I said, Where is the Fonda Theater? He said, It's at the end of Hollywood Boulevard where all the stars from the Hollywood Walk of Fame Peter out. I thought, That is perfect for us. There's hardly any stars left when you come down here, but the ones there are are for associate producers. Bill Metchanik, Staz Bulleroni. Four years ago, I wrapped up The Late Night Show. I did 28 years, and I loved it. I loved every second of it, but I thought, I've done this. I've done everything I think I can do with this. It's a great format, but I'm tired of it. It's time to go before someone asked me to go. I turned out to be very wise. I'll just go now. Leave the party before you're tossed out. I did that. And I started saying, I love this podcast thing. It's so informal. I'm just in a little room. I'm with Matt, I'm with Sona. We're goofing around. There's no makeup, there's no falderal and pageentry. I love this. This is Great. Then we start doing the podcast and it grows, and it grows, and people like you are listening to it. It's very exciting.

It's growing, and people say, You know, Jeff Rauh is like, We should do it. We should get some bigger and bigger advertisers. People really want to buy in. We buy in, okay? Then they say, You know what we should do? We should get it on camera. I said, Okay, let's get it on camera. Then a little more time goes by, and people are like, You know what you should do? You should get multiple cameras on it. Okay, you know what you should do? You should do it live in front of a theater. Get a lot of people here. You know what you should do? You know what you should do? You know what you should do? If you're going to have cameras and you're going to be in front of a theater, you need makeup. You know what you should do? If you're going to be in front of people and you're wearing makeup and you got a whole bunch of people in a theater and you got cameras, you should get a band.

I am right back where I started.

Welcome to Late Night with Conan O'Brien. This was not the plan. This is not what I wanted.

You did this.

You're all to blame. We have a It's a wonderful show tonight. I just mentioned the band, and I want to give them a shout out because my good friend of 32 years, this man auditioned for the original band. He put it all together. He's a genius. Jimmy Vivino. My good man, who was also there on that first show, September 13, 1993, Scott Healey. Then we get to the scum that came late to the party. They waited till they saw it was this. This guy right here, Andy San Cessi said, I'm going to wait 32 years to make sure it really works out. Andy San Cessi on drums. Terrific. Jennifer J. Joe Oberly on bass. My first major crush, bass player with that color hair, just knocked me out. Thank you so much for being here. I love this place already. You're an incredible crowd. Very excited, and I want to start the show by bringing out two people who are essential to the goings on. I love them. I also loathe them. No, we're family. We get along like family, and I adore them, and I wouldn't have a podcast without them. Let's bring them out right now.

Sona, Mouvsessian, and Matt Gourley. How are you? Yeah.

Love us and loathe us.

First of all- What's up, H-H?

No one ever calls it H-H. Wait.

He gave a shout out for Hacienda Heights. Yes. Tell us about Hacienda Heights.

Hacienda Heights is a town in LA County.

We are listened to all across the world, and people need to be informed. Yes.

It's a place where you would never go unless you had to go there. The fanciest restaurant, I think, was the Claim Jumper when I was growing up there. The Mall, here's what it is.

I'm sorry, can I say one thing? This guy shouted out with great enthusiasm, Hacienda Heights. You proceeded to say, It's the place you go that you don't really want to go to, and we'll never go to again.

Well, here's the two things about Hacienda Heights you guys need to know. One, Fergie went to my high school.

The Duchess Fergie?

Yeah, that Fergie. Then the second one is the Point of Hills Mall is where they shot the... Where the Back to the Future, where the DeLorean goes back and forth from the past.

The third thing you need to know is I grew up in Whittier, which is next door to Hacienda Heights, and we never went there.

You lived next door to Hacienda Heights, and you never went there. We never went. You know what I love about this conversation? It's pleasing next to no one.

That guy's pleased.

This guy's over the moon. He's going to go back to Hacienda Heights tonight and go, I talked about us, and they picked it up and talked for 40 minutes about Hacienda Heights. How are you guys? Everything good? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's terrific. I just talked about how you bring so much to the podcast, and I got them going. I had some good stuff, and then I threw to you guys, and I get, Yeah, it's good.

Did you? I'm not going to lie, I think I listened to nothing you said when we were back there because Matt and I were just chatting. Then at one point, everybody started clapping. I was like, Oh, shit, were we supposed to go out there? Luckily, there's people paying attention. Incredible.

Incredible story. Dying here where the stars just ebb out on Hollywood Boulevard. Are there even stars on the ground outside the theater here?

I saw a star and someone had written on it. So we could just go write your name.

This is the part of Hollywood Boulevard where you can write in your own name. Yeah.

This is also not the Henry Fonda Theater. It's the Bruce Fonda Theater.

Peter. He was a sound editor. You guys are probably curious about my life lately. Actually, no. It's such a simple thing. Backstage, I told them, Why don't you ask me about what I'm up to? And they can't even do that.

No. I was just noticing how this audience is bathed in this beautiful blue light. You guys look amazing. Look at this.

You know what I noticed? There's a bar. I don't know if this is a sign that things are going well in my career or poorly, but there's a bar in the theater that we are performing in right now. I say that's a positive.

I think so, too. I think we should take advantage of it, to be honest. Can we?

Yeah, there's a bar right back there. Are we able to get any... I know the audience is not getting drinks because we're told you're all terrible alcoholics. Would you guys like anything? Would you like anything, Sona? Would you like anything, Matt?

The answer is always yes.

Yeah, me too. Same.

I'm on the wagon because I'm driving this bus tonight. But what do you guys want?

Okay. Well, my...

What distracted you? I don't know. There's nothing happening. Have you already You went, I... I short-circuited. I mean, at least a cat or a puppy is looking at a fly. You glitched. You had nothing.

Listen, my usual drink is a Dirty Martini, extra olives. If they have the cheese olives, those are my favorite olives. If not, I'll take the garlic olives. If not those olives, then I'll just take regular olives. But I figure if I only get one drink, I Should I really maybe go for it. I haven't had one of these in a long time, but should I just do a Long Island Ice Tea?

I meant like, do you want a beer or not? What about you?

I want something special.

Okay. Can you do a paper plane? Oh, course.

There's not even stairs in this theater.

Don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. I'll get these. You guys settle down high. I'll high five you. We're being served by came. I'll high five you. I didn't know you were going to go get these drinks. I'll high five you. I'll high five you. I'm sorry, sir. I missed the high five. This guy held his hand up for a high five and dropped it before I got to him. That is the most humiliating. Even you didn't have the energy for a full high five. Yes. The bar is back this way. Okay, hello. Where do I do? Where do I go? Okay, this is great. You're actually making these drinks. You are very good. What is your name? This is Chris. Chris. It's so nice to meet you. How are you? Nice to have you. I think it's wise for me to drink because I am the host. Then I'm taking all of these drinks back up. This guy is good. Okay. Oh, I want a vodka Martini. This is some good. Hi, how are you? I can't high five you now. Is it a vodka Martini? I I'm going to try to high five her.

Hold on. Can you hold my mic, please? Yes. We did it. Impressive. Just don't spill your juice. You're an asshole, man. The last thing I'll see before I go to sleep is that guy's hand dropping as I approach him. Here are your drinks, guys. Okay, now I have to gracefully get back on stage. It's a good thing I work out so much. But you knew that because of the shape of my body. Cheers.

What's that?

Cheers, friend. Nice? Thank you.

Cheers. Thanks, everybody.

Okay, well, now we're a Bill Mars podcast in all the best ways. Now it's going to get interesting. Yeah, no, it won't. You'll just get sloppy as always. Yeah, that's true. It doesn't get more interesting. You were distracted before by nothing, and now you're drinking. This is the arc we are at the moment. I just got back from New York. Oh, okay. Yeah. You're not asking me, so I'm just going to plow ahead. Hey, what have you been up to? Thanks a lot for doing that one thing. Did you just get back from anywhere?

Did you fly?

You guys suck. Cheers. I say that with love. I just brought you drinks, and you won't even do the one thing you're supposed to do. Yeah, I was in New York. Thanks for asking. People in the crowd are shouting it out because you won't do your job. I was in New York because I'm in a movie. I'm in a movie, and I was doing something I've never done before, which is promote a movie. It's weird because I realized that it's a completely different animal than anything I've done in my entire career.

Did you have to do red carpet interviews and things like that?

I did some red carpet interviews where people actually asked me, What are you wearing? Yeah, I probably said pants. No, they say, Who are you wearing? I honestly don't know. I just say Sears every time. But the one thing I had to do, which was so strange, is there's a screening. You go to these like, there's a New York Film Festival, and there's a big screening. And you go and you get ready, and there's a whole crowd there at Lincoln Center, and everyone's excited, and you say, Okay, and here's the movie. And then everybody walks out at a bunch of these screenings, they do this. The cast walks out, and they go, and they sit down and have dinner while people watch the movie. That is the opposite of everything I've been trained to do. So my heart was racing more and more as I got close. I was stretching, I got ready. And the same mentality of, I'm going to go out there and do a show for close to two hours. Then I remember we shot this two years to go. I don't do anything now. And so I just walk out and people are just eating their chicken going, Good chicken.

And I'm just I'm obsessed with what's happening with the crowd. Do I need to run out there and go, Come on, what do we think? Give them a boost again? Do I need to rush out there? I have all the wrong instincts. I should never be in film. It's a terrible mistake.

No. But I saw your movie, and we should say the name of it. It's If I Had Legs, I'd kick you. With Roseburn. Are you complaining about having dinner with Roseburn?

She wouldn't sit with me.

Oh, no.

That's in Roseburn's contract. She's lovely and she loves everyone. She's kind to everyone, but she will not sit with me. I thought, well, she's probably sitting with someone really important. Then I saw she was sitting next to a CPR dummy. She thought it was you. She thought it was me.

I love everybody having dinner, and then you're at a table by yourself.

Yeah, that's what happened. That's sad. No, it's funny.

Are you okay watching yourself in a movie and acting? How does it feel?

I shouted out, He's hot. Did you disguise your voice? I didn't. I forgot to. Then I shouted out, Not Konan speaking. That fooled nobody. Oh, man. I was okay with it. It's so clear that this is not something that's so much in my world.

Don't say that. I saw it and I thought you were great. The movie is amazing. It's really, really great. The movie is amazing.

It's really, really great. I'm very proud to be in the movie. I think the movie is amazing. Mary Bronstein did this incredible job. She wrote it, she directed it. She's a badass. Rose Byrne, I think, is one of the best actors working anywhere in the world today. I thought she gave the performance of a lifetime, and I'm okay with what I did. I think it was fine, and I'm very excited for the movie. It was very good. Thank you for saying that. It was very, very good. You were fishing. And I just caught one. Okay. Hey, Stone. I heard you got a new car. Yeah. David usually gives me a ride to work, but I'd love it if you- No, you're not.

I'm sorry. You're not allowed in my new car. My Palisade is my oasis. It's my happy place. So you're not allowed in because you're not- Wait a minute.

What are you talking about? I made you. When I found you, You were wandering the streets with a bucket on your head. What? And now you're so in a obsession and you're driving around the Palisade, you won't give me a ride?

This is why I don't let you in my happy place, because you talk about me walking around with a bucket on my head. Why would I let you into my personal oasis if this is the way you're going to talk.

You have to earn your spot in my Hyundai Palisade. Well, earn it now. The all-new Hyundai Palisade Hybrid is more than just another SUV. It's still the Palisade, but with so much more, like up to 600 plus miles of range. That's incredible. Yeah, it is. And class-leading interior space. So Too much space. Now, have you enjoyed that extra space?

I'm being very serious right now. If you recline the seat all the way back, a little ottoman pops up so you can sleep comfortably in the front seat.

That's insane. There are seating configurations for seven to eight passengers with available third row power seats that recline plus available front and second row relaxation seats. Learn more about the Hyundai Palisade at hundayusa. Com. Call 562-314-4603 for complete details. I think we should move on. It's a big event. Yeah. Yeah. We have a special surprise guest here. We're going to dim the lights and have a little bit of an introduction, and here we go. Let's do it.

Do I do it now? Hi, I'm Bill Burr, and I feel wonderful about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen.

Bill. Hey, how are you? How's it going?

It's going okay for me. How's it going with you?

Oh, it's been a great week. It's been fucking fantastic. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

You've been in the news.

Yeah. I think the general consensus is, How dare you go to that place and make those oppressed people laugh, you fucking piece of shit. I can't believe you went to that place I can't find on a map. And this bot said I was upset about it, so now I am.

Now, let's paint a picture here.

It's one thing to wear clothes made by sweatshop labor. It's quite another to go to the factory and make them laugh. I can't believe how much anger I had about this issue after it went viral.

So you're here to It does.

No, not at all. It was one of the most amazing experiences I've had as a comedian. It was incredible. And what was the best part is my whole life is I've been paranoid about the news. I watch the news and it always goes like, this doesn't feel... It feels like they're moving stuff around. They're shifting it. So to actually be in the middle of one of those stories and actually confirm it and watching them lying their ass off saying there was no women there, which was a lie. It was just great to be at home. I'm like, I can I fucking knew it. I knew they were lying.

All right.

It's not all right. It's really fucked up that they do that.

You sound like anyone's uncle yelling at the TV, but in the best way. Let me lay this out. Let's lay it out for anyone who isn't initiated. Let's lay it out, man. Let's lay it out, man.

We got fucking eight-track tape here. Why did you turn into some A&R guy from the 1970s?

I just want to lay it out. I never like to assume everybody's on the same page. We'll do a bump on the console. You went to Riyadh It's a comedy festival they had in Riyadh, and you went with a bunch of other people. Yes, a bunch of a comedians.

Yes, we went there, and I was scared shitless.

Were you scared before you went?

100%, because I had the same idea that part of the world as everybody else. I thought I was going to go there. There was going to be a bunch of people dressed like Yasser Arafat shooting machine guns in the air going, There's to America. There's one. Cut his fucking head off. Oh my God. So I land in Bahrain, and I'm going through customs, and the dude's standing there. He goes, What are you doing over here? I go, I'm a comedian. We went to Bahrain first. And I go, Yeah, I'm a comedian from America. He goes, Oh, yeah. He goes, You think we're all over here waiting to cut your head off? He literally said that, and I had to be like, No, I didn't. If I was more comfortable, I would have been. And you thought I was being 600 pounds with camouflage crocs coming in here, waiting to eat. I don't know what. So we're going into Saudi Arabia. Now we're flying over there. And all I'm seeing is sand and the highways. It literally looks like the footage whenever where they show up right before a military strike. Yeah, I'm fucking nervous, right?

So we go there and everybody's like, Cool, right? Hey, how are you doing? Talking into just fucking normal, right? And we were standing. We was in the round. First of all, the great thing about the festival was the people that put it together when they first said that they wanted a comedy festival over there, they said, Okay, what is your restrictions with speech? And they had this whole long list, and the promoters were just like, All right, well, you guys aren't ready for stand up comedy yet. To their credit, they said, All right, what are we going to do? They basically whittled it all the way down to, You couldn't talk about any religion. Theirs, yours, anybody else's, and you couldn't make fun of the royals. That was it. I know a lot of people are, That's fucked up, man. It's like, well, they just progressed the ball like 10 yards, and it was amazing. We get there. It's in the round, and I'm waiting to go on, and everybody in the crowd is dressed like fucking Yasser Arafat, right? I'm sitting there going like, Am I And they go, Just to let you know, the front row is diplomats.

And I'm like, Well, what the fuck are they doing? I already have dry mouth going, Why did I say yes to this? And then the royals were up in the box, but everybody else was regular. So I'm waiting to go on. It was in the round. It was 8,000 people, and I was nervous and shit. Right before I went on, this guy yells out, dressed in that whole dished-ass thing. He goes, Hey, Bill Burr, I love you. Kick ass, man. And I was just like, What? I can't believe this guy knows who I am. And I went on stage, and I just, I don't know, I just started doing my shit, and they were laughing. I was doing stuff about relationships, and they were laughing. I said, I noticed the chicks over here, the hot ones, they wear the veil a little bit lower. And that got a huge laugh. They're laughing. They are laughing. And then I said, Fuck it. I'm going to do the joining a gay gym joke with the dudes sucking each other's dicks in the steam room. I get halfway through it and the monitor goes out and I'm like, Oh, fuck.

Am I going to get arrested? And it ended up coming back on. But I really have to tell you- Were they trying to edit you in that moment or do you think it was just an accident? No, they didn't. No, it was just...

I love how you say the gay gym joke. You all know.

Oh, yeah. No. What was so great about it was the people there You could feel it like they needed it, they wanted it, and they wanted you to push. And that's what the comics did. And your job was to just, okay, we've gotten them to here. Now you can move them to there. And it's like, as much as people don't like what's going on over there, it's like they're We're not going to progress with isolation. So if you go over there and you just move them a little bit towards us, I don't know. I feel like we're moving towards them in a lot of ways over here. Yeah. I mean, Jesus Christ. We're fucking grabbing moms and dads and sticking them in a van for making illegally made fucking tacos to go to Alligator Alcatraz. Yeah, it's fucking insane. It's insane. And someday they're going to be out of brown people to put in those vans. They're still going to have the vans, so you shouldn't be feeling comfortable about it thinking that you're not going to be in it. Yeah, it's fucked up. It's really fucked up. I will say this. I do have to say this because one of the people that got the most amount of shit, and I'm not going to say any comedians' names because of all of these sanctimonious cunts out there who don't really, sincerely give a shit.

I don't know what it is. Their parents didn't hug them. It's bots. I have no idea. They go after your wife. It's like, She didn't open for me. I don't understand.

You're talking about online hate.

Oh, my God.

Do you read that stuff?

Dude, I haven't been online for a month. I finally viewed the Internet the way I viewed drinking towards the end, where I was just like, I don't want to be doing this, but I'm doing it every day, and this doesn't feel good. But what sucks is you can't be off the Internet because people just keep texting you, Hey, just checking in to see how you're doing. I'm like, I'm doing fine, man. I'm sitting here eating a sandwich. No, but one of the comics over there, Openly Gay, went over there and just did her fucking act. She was in the middle of her act, and two of the diplomats got up, and she said to him, What are you guys going to go get on Grinder? Dude, 33 years of Comedy, that's the biggest balls of anything I've ever seen. Yeah, dude. Our own fucking people were like, not all of them, but like, hardcore psycho gaze were going after her. Fucking lunatics, man. Listen, what went up going over there was a super positive thing. If you actually give a fuck about those people and how they're living over there, there's going to have to be these types of things to pull them in.

I will tell you, the Cheese Factory in Riyadh, man, it's incredible. It's right next to the Pizza Hut in the KFC. If you want a pair of Timberland, it's across the street next to the Marriott catty corner to the fucking Hilton. But that's all fine. I love how there was no outrage, too, the week before the Canelo Alvarez fight. The fucking head dude is sitting right there, but everybody wet their peak on that one, so nobody was upset. That's the thing about being a comedian. As you're an independent contractor, there's no ad money tied to you. Everybody can just... They release the bots so they can just keep it going.

Did you know?

I am happy that- Did you have an inkling before you went to Riyadh?

Did you or the other comedians have any sense that there'd be this response when you got back?

No, I had no fucking idea because you know what was funny? One time I did Abu Dhabi and somebody, one person texted me, Oh, you're going over there to get that blood money, right? And I go, Hey, just for the record, I'm also doing London, England on that tour, which is arguably the bloodiest fucking money out there. So there's like that element of racism to it, where if brown people are doing it, it's fucked up. If white people are doing, what are you talking about? Almost like sports. My team doesn't cheat. You're a fucking team cheat. If we're going to do the blood money game, I think the only place in countries I've I've never played in that is clean money was made in New Zealand and I think Iceland. But then Iceland is weird, where over there they have an app, a dating app that doesn't say if you're related, it's how, because they're all part of the same thing over there. That's not a joke. That's not a joke. It's fucking true. Yeah. Look at you guys. Now he's going after Iceland. Now I'm really upset with that place. I don't really quite know where it is.

That's to England. Is that it? No, that's Ireland. That's Isle of Man. That's fucking Iceland. No, I don't give a fuck what all these phony fucking people are saying. My thing is I go out to perform in front of fucking people. As I've been traveling the world, I want to see more of it. The thing that I loved about going to these Arab countries is that their sense of humor, they're silly. They're really silly. I'm a silly person, like Anchorman type of shit. But yeah, they don't fucking show that over here. It's fun to get a worldview by going a little more of an informed worldview, then if you sit on your couch and let some talk in head, then you just think it's machine guns and people saying all of that stuff. I don't know. I was buzzing after the show. That's what a good time it was. And all of these fucking assholes that didn't go and never will go, all they're ever going to see is the machine guns. If that's how you want to live, that's how you want to live. I don't give a fuck, Konan. If it affects my career.

I've been to LAX enough in my life. I'll fucking sit home for a little bit. I will actually tell you LAX is slightly sadder than Saudi Arabia.

Now, there's something everyone can agree on. You just brought us all together.

That's what comedians do. They bring a crowd together.

You're supposed to, yeah. I will say this. I'll say I have devoted a chunk of my life to trying to go to countries all around the world. I don't always love what's happening in that country, but I go and my goal is always- Why didn't you change it when you were there for eight days?

You should have walked in.

But the thing that I've always wanted to do is try and find real people and make them laugh. It gives me a joy that is very hard to describe.

It's unbelievable. I did a gig in India one time, and I didn't realize they're ridiculous ball breakers. I just didn't expect that from them. I was doing this podcast before I went over to promote my show, and they were going like, Hey, man, when you come over here, what are you going to talk about? I said some of the things. They go, Oh, yeah. They go, You should talk about this, this subject. Why don't you talk about this? They kept throwing out subjects. And then I finally just Wait a minute. Do you guys talk about these subjects in your country? And they just laughed at me. Like, they were trying to get me in trouble.

They were trying to set you up. Yeah.

So then I was like, All right, I like these guys.

It's that same Boston mentality.

And guess what? I got there, and it was a wild place, and the sense of humor was great. But then you did see fucked up stuff when you were there. I saw a T-shirt said, Real men don't rape. And I was like, Wow. Where am I?

That's a real T-shirt.

That is a real T-shirt. Like, John 3: 16.

Their version, yeah. Someone holds that up at a football game, right? Play the goal post.

Yeah, during a soccer game. They put that up.

Have you talked to the other comics that you went over there with and compared notes on the reaction since you got back?

Yeah, we all had a great time over there, and then everybody else is just going like, Dude, what the fuck?

You know what I love? That a bunch of people went over, but because of your success, you're one of the main names that gets mentioned over and over again. So congratulations.

Yeah. Well, I haven't literally watched any of it. I don't care about all of that performative shit. It's like if someone actually wanted to have a real conversation and stuff like that. I could get all the way into as far as a performer. One of my favorite things is this scumbag club owner texted my tour manager because he heard I was over there. He goes, Bring back a burqa and a sweatshirt in size oppression. That was his joke. I wrote back to him. I go, Why don't you start? I Why don't you concentrate on not ripping off comedians, you fucking piece of shit. He never wrote back. Yeah, because he's a fucking-Was he going to give it a thumbs up? No, but that's like- Ha-ha. No, but that's like... No, he didn't even defend his position.

Yes, right. He knows. Yeah.

That fucking guy. Oh, my God. I am a shithead. Yeah, no. You know what's funny? He's just a typical club owner. So that's like I'm saying with people. Listen, I could say so much fucking more about some of this stuff, but I don't want to... Everything that you say, they twist it around. It's just another log to throw on the fire. And all of these, just none of them really give a fuck. Things like this have to happen in order to gradually progress. And then It was necessary. It felt right afterwards. It really was like the people, and I vibed with them, and they were funny fucking people. I don't know what to tell you. I had a good time.

All right. On a more personal note, you've come on this podcast many, many times. I think you have the record for being on this podcast the most because you and I are friends. Do I get the jacket? I spent that money on the drinks for those two idiots. I love it. All right. I just want you to know that in all the times you've done it, you started out saying you felt honored to be on the podcast. Then you said great. Then the next time you're on, you said good. Then the last time you said, all right. I was losing you. You had an iron deficiency or something.

Why can't you ask me what's going on in my life that I'm slowly slipping into the abyss? Why does it have to be about you? Maybe I'm slipping into a depression. You could fucking check in on me instead of being like, The compliments I'm graffing that my friends have. How insecure are you about your friendships with people? I'm just saying. That you have a record. On April of 2021, you were honored.

I'd like to point out. I let you talk for quite a while about issues in your life. I wasn't listening because I was busy monitoring the different responses you've had to I feel blank about being Conor O'Brien's friend, and I made that tally.

I get it. No, I get it. I noticed that when we hang out, we both check out every once in a while and think of our own bullshit, but somehow we spin. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm hanging out with Conan. How are you doing, man? How have you been for the last seven minutes? I've been thinking about myself.

I went and saw you in New I watched you do Glen Gary, Glen Ross on Broadway, and you were spectacular. I don't know if anybody here saw it.

Finance by Saudi money.

All right.

No, I wasn't. I was kidding.

Possibly. I don't know. I don't know.

Yeah. I just learned my lines.

You did more than learn your lines. You were spectacular. Oh, thank you. You were great. We talked about at the top of the show, but I've dabbled a little bit with this acting thing, and I have a lot of respect for... Because I know you've been working on it for a while. You've done a lot of different acting gigs, and you've been terrific. When I was watching this, I thought, I felt like David Mamet wrote this part for you. That's how it felt because it so fit your rhythm. Did it feel right the first time you got into it?

I played this guy, David Moss. He talked like how everybody talked when we were growing up. He talked super fast. He interrupted people. He didn't listen. I'm like, I know this guy. But what was fun was that first scene I would do with Michael McKee, and when you finally get it going and when it locks in with his... Because we talk over each other and everything, and Yeah, Michael was probably the greatest listener I had ever worked. Because I swear to God, you do it every night, and sometimes you're doing the line, and it would come out just a little bit different to the left, and he just would always Please just catch it no matter what. He would give me something different. 128 shows, he surprised me every time. It was very easy to do that scene with him. He's an incredible... Everybody knows that, but to actually get to do it. There were so many nights when I would be doing it, then I would actually be out of this scene being like, I'm on Broadway doing a scene with Michael McKean. This is fucking crazy. Then it's like, Oh, he stopped talking.

What do I say now? But it took a while to get over.

Was it terrifying the first night you went out and you know the curtains coming up, Broadway, and you've got a seven-page monolog you got to do? I would run away. I would get on an E-bike and take off.

It was weird. It was like waiting to go on was nervous, but the live crowd actually made me feel comfortable because this is what I've been doing my whole career. I had to do this new thing where it's just rather than doing I'm doing this to get to that. But the thing I was most nervous about is what if I forget my lines? If I forget a joke, I can just say, to hell with it, go to another joke when I'm doing stand-up. To do that, they call it going into the white room. I was so afraid that that was going to happen. That's what happened because the way Mammet wrote it, the monolog repeats itself twice. I would joke. It was like, you did two donuts in the parking lot, and then you drove out. Two times they say, he killed the goose, or he fucking killed the goose, and I would get lost. Where the hell am I? One night, I was doing it early, and I went into the white room, and I couldn't fucking remember anything. There was a line that it had was like, what the hell was it? It was something like, Oh, that's the God's truth, and it gets me depressed.

I swear it does. At my age, to see a goddamn. That was the line. I went into the white room a page before that, and me and Michael just start improv, and I got to set him up for the next thing. But he knew where I was, so he just, out of nowhere, just looks at me and improvs the line. He just goes, Does it make you depressed? I'm like, As a matter of fact, it does. Oh, I wanted. At my age.

Oh, my God. All I wanted these idiots to do earlier was say, So what did you do in New York? And they wouldn't do that.

And does that make you depressed?

Yeah. So he did that, and then we got through it, and there was an elevator ride down, and we laughed the whole way down. So many nights, we would laugh about something. And then he saved me so many times. And then only once I had to save him, but I was so psyched, you know what I mean? That I knew where we were because he helped me out so much. The fact that one night in all of those times. It was just also to work with a legend like him. Then, of course, all the other guys, oh, my God, Bob Orden Kirk and Kieran Calk and what they were doing once they really got comfortable with it. I just wish I was in the second scene longer. Now, I got to say, I have Donald Webber Jr, John P. Rochello, and Howard Overshown. We vibed. There was no egos. We all knew that Michael was the guy. We all had respect for him, and we had a great time.

We had a great time. I did have one. I noticed one thing, which is I went back and I said, I've known Bob Odenkirk. We wrote on Saturday at Live together when we got started back in the day. I was visiting friends backstage, saying hi to everybody. I I got to you, I could tell you really missed because you're in New York, but you missed your family a lot. It just felt like you were hurting a little bit. You missed Nia, you missed your family.

Yeah, that's the thing that we didn't take into consideration. Neil was and I were just going like, All right, well, it's a four-month gig. We'll come out 10 days a month and blah, blah. But we didn't realize we were instantly going to be in this long-distance relationship. It was one of the hardest times in my marriage because it I was like I was lonely and she was swamped with the kids, so we both needed help. Usually in a relationship, one person is starting to go down, the other person pulls them up. We were both sinking there for a minute, but we always turn it around because we're meant to be together, so it worked out, but it was definitely hard.

I have my agency look after the kids. True story. William Morris and Dever, they're fantastic.

Yeah, yes, they are.

Yeah. I'm going to see them for the first time in three years. Looking forward to that. They have a script pitch.

Oh, yeah. I've been going through this bullshit the whole week. My agent never even called me. He's been under his fucking desk.

Is that true? During this whole controversy, you haven't heard from your people?

No. You know what it was? Was he heard me on the podcast saying what I said here, that I had a good time and it was a positive thing or whatever. So he thought that That was the mindset that I was into the week. And as the week went on and more things happened, and then... I don't want to get into it, but some of the people that spoke up, that was, All right. I don't know how to say to somebody, Hey, man, can you check in with me? I don't know how to do that. It wasn't until the weekend. I was like, Dude, are you going to fucking call me? Then he was just, I didn't know. We're cool.

I think the important thing is when all the people that are angry agree with you hear what you had to say tonight, they're just going to calm down.

Absolutely.

Well, I'm not really-I heard you out, and I stand corrected. You're going to see a lot of that online. A lot of I stand corrected.

Well, I got to be honest. What I was trying to do here tonight was not connect with the people. I'm trying to connect with the bots because they're the ones that really seem to control the narrative. If I could just get the bots to stop telling the mouth breather what to look Look at that speaker. It's going to take over in there. All right.

Time for your medication. You're morons. Bill, you and I have been in it together for a long-Are you breaking up with me?

That was the most fucking...

I never want to see you again. I never want to see you again.

You've presented your argument and I don't buy it? Yeah.

You've been a good friend. I love it when you come on the podcast, and I always will.

I love doing the podcast, man, and I appreciate you having me on, especially during all of this bullshit. You're a real friend, dude.

All right, well, listen, Bill Burr, you're a man among men, and I don't know what that means.

I don't know what it means either. You know what?

David Letterman said to me once, I did something that... I said something he liked or something. He went, Will, Konan, you're a man among men. For the rest of the weekend, I realized that means absolutely nothing.

Nothing.

I love the guy. He's a hero I have a zero of mine, but that means nothing.

I didn't notice it the first time. The second time you said it, I was just, Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Among other men, you are, in fact, a man.

Yes.

Bill Burr. Thank you so much.

No worries. Thank you, guys. All right.

All right, we're back. Matt, I have no idea what's going on anymore. Sona, how much of the drink have you had?

I'm almost done with her, actually.

Is that one? Are you having both or are you just having the one?

I'm finishing her up and then she's on deck. Oh, okay. All right. Okay.

Do you want an olive? No, I don't like olives. I hate olives. I love olive oil. Love it. Don't like an olive. Okay. Little fun fact about me, and that's going to light up the internet.

Don't ever say, I never set you up for anything.

You like an olive?

Drives home, I earned my money tonight. Comedy. Goldmine. Back to Hacienda Heights. H-squared, baby. H-squared, baby, all the way. H-squared. Where do you live now? Pasadena. Okay, give an address. Pasadena, what?

I'm just saying. My address?

Yeah, people like to visit you.

I'm not going to give you my address. Very cold.

I don't want people to visit me. You've become one of those, huh?

All right. People who like their I'm going to see. Yeah. That's all I got. Okay. Yeah.

A little wasted. Yeah, Matt, what you got?

Well, we have some questions from the audience that have been preselected. Do you want to go to those?

Sure. I'll take any questions. Okay.

We're going to bring those people up right now here to the front mic.

Usually on the show, sometimes we take questions off of a voicemail, but since we have a live audience, we thought, let's cut through the middleman. That's right.

This is Catherine, correct? Hi, Catherine.

What is your name? Catherine.

Catherine. Where are you from, Catherine?

I'm from Canada.

Oh, well, that's a pretty big place. Which part of Canada?

Small town called Maple Ridge, near Vancouver.

Let's just say Canada.

Oh, Canada.

Okay. Drinky, Winkie. That's all I know. That's great, Sona. I'm home in native land.

Stand beside it and guide it.

How's it go? You're saying they ripped them off? I'm so sorry. I tried to let you have the floor, and then they took over. How can I help you? That's okay.

It's a Very serious question. If you could switch legs with any animal, what would it be and why?

I'm sorry. Switch legs with any animal? That's my best question we've ever gotten. That is a spectacular question. That is great. Did you ask that because of my leg to torso ratio, which is famously way off? No. Okay. What animal's on your shirt?

Because I feel like you're trying to direct this in it.

I'm not, but I think it's a snake or a dragon.

Oh, a snake.

Okay.

Again, helpful. You already have animal legs.

I know. I feel like I already do. I feel like I have ostrage legs. That's what I was thinking. Flobiko. Yeah. I have very long legs. I think if I could switch, I would go for even longer legs. You know what I mean?

What would that be?

I don't know. What's got the longest legs in nature? Jiraffe. Jiraffe? Jiraffe has long legs. I might just go for even longer to make my human body even more of a parody. I might go for that. I might go for really long. Did you have any thoughts in this area? Feel free to jump in.

I did think you might say Flamingo because it's similar to the-They have very thin legs.

I think they would snap very quickly. Do you know what I mean? I'm very athletic. I run around a lot. I perform a lot of athletic maneuvers, and I think-No one who does any sport ever says athletic maneuvers. I am quite the jockster, and I think it would It's going to be dangerous for me to have Flamingo legs. A giraffe has stronger legs, worthy of me, and also spotted, and I am spotted. My body is... No one wants to hear about this, but my nude body is covered in freckles. Oh, Oh, my. Even parts that never see the sun riddled with freckles, which I've been told by my dermatologist who has since retired at 35, because he didn't want to see me naked anymore, that my nude body was a horror show. I'm going to I would say, yes, it will match the rest of me. Entire body naked, freckled. Perfect. Thank you. Thank you, Katherine. She cannot wait to get out of here. Look at her. She's hailing a cab right now.

Next up is Nora. Hi, Nora.

Hi, how are you?

Hi. Hi. My question for you is, when it comes to friendships, what is a green flag and what is a red flag?

Very nice. Okay. Green flag is they've seen my work. Oh, man. They're familiar with it. They know the whole Ouvra. So yes, of course, they know The Late Night show. They're familiar with the Simpsons episodes. They even know some of my sketches on Saturday Night Live, but they also follow me through the Turner years, and they're a fan of the podcast. A red flag would be not really knowing the whole Ouvra, maybe just being a fan of Late Night, but then losing touch, or just knowing the HBO Max show, but not really knowing this stuff before that.

How do you have any friends?

I don't have any friends. He doesn't have any friends. The name of this podcast. Yeah. Is Cohnan O'Brien meets a friend. It's real. I have since learned that it's real. I have driven people away. Would you like to add anything? Because I always like to find out more. Did you have any thoughts on this issue? What are your red flags? What are your green flags?

Well, green flags, I would say if a friend, because I know this is a debate, especially in Los Angeles, if a friend picks you up at LAX, that is a green flag.

As we learned tonight from Bill Burr, it's way too depressing at LAX. We would not be friends.

But don't you also think if Did you ask a friend to pick you up at LAX, that's a red flag?

Yes. I mean, it depends on the friend.

I think picking someone up at LAX-It depends on how long you've been friends.

What? It depends on how long you've been friends, I think. If it's someone you just met and we're like, okay.

In an era of Uber, and there's just so Are there so many ways, there's so many ways to get from the airport putting that on someone saying, Can you... It's up there with, I have a wet couch that I want removed from my ninth floor apartment. I don't even know why. Did you say wet? Yeah, it's wet. It's wet. It's soaking wet. I need you to help me move it.

That's so specific. I'm worried that that's happened to me.

It happened two weeks ago, and we still don't know why it was wet. No, it just sounds very unpleasant.

No, I wouldn't even pick tack up from the airport.

What's yourIt's my husband. I love him. That's a green flag. What's a red flag? Don't say not be willing to take you to the airport.

Maybe leaving you on red for text. I like never hearing back from them.

Ghosting you. Yeah. See, I knew the term ghosting. That's impressive. I'm proud of you. You're doing it. Yeah. We're ever since Benny Blanco slid into my DMs. Don't do that. I learned that phrase so I could sound cool. Benny Blanco has never slid into my DMs, and I don't know how he would.

He's never going to either.

No, he's never going to. But I'm going to keep saying it until people think that I know what's going on in the world. Yeah, I don't know about that. Yeah, ghosting people was... But the other thing, too, is when someone sends you a text, there's this immediate expectation that you're going to respond right away, and I don't like that. I don't like that. I like the olden days, the olden times when a letter would arrive and I would open it with my letter opener, and I would read it to my wife who's suffering with cholera and the fog is rolling in and there's a little peat fire and I read the letter and then I think, I shall respond. But first, a trip, a trip down to the waters Then maybe a couple of weeks later, I write back. I'm from another time. I'm from a time when people responded, and this thing now where someone just texts you at 4: 00 in the morning like, Yeah. Then you're supposed to text right back, Yeah. And you don't? Criminal. Criminal. I won't participate in this new world we're in. I object. I object. I object.

I object. I object. And you're with me, aren't Well, I didn't say a time frame.

As long as you respond at some point, it's just when you don't hear anything. I lost track of what you were talking about.

Were you saying that you just had two cocktails?

No, no. Were you saying that ghosting is wrong or people don't respond quickly enough?

I think you should have a seven-month period to respond to a text. What? Until that seven months has elapsed, you have not ghosted them. Not at all.

I don't know if it's a time-sensitive text, though.

Like your eggs are ready? Sure. Your poached eggs are ready.

A wonderful example, yes.

My wife, this is true, she does it all the time, she'll text me in the house like dinners. I don't keep my phone on me. I wander the house like a nomad, a man free of his phone, and she'll say, I sent you a text that dinner was ready. What is this? You must shout up the stairs the way my mother did in our house.

I was going to say, I feel like you guys are different because you're probably like, he was always shouting in the house, and she was a lot more sophisticated.

When she shouts in the house, I also complain. I complain no matter what she does. Oh, good. Okay, that's good. It's a no-win situation for any wife of mine. Yeah. Well, glad I got that off my chest. Thank you for your question. Thank you, Nora.

Red flag and green flag.

Red flag.

Welcome, John.

Hello. Thank you. I was going to say, Welcome back. That's not right. It's like when you're at the drive-through line. I shouldn't do that. Hello, Cony. You got a tight 10 minutes you're going to do right now. I know. I'm so sorry. Who are all these people? It's a long walk. You haven't noticed? I was getting worried. No, no. How are you? What is your name? Good. I'm John. Good. Okay. Nice to see you all. It's good to see you, too. Nice to see you. You're very performative. I like that. You have almost a Shakespearean vibe about you, and I love it. You just entered. This is the scene-I'm always envision a skull in my hand while I speak. Okay, now I'm scared. Yeah, but probably smart. Yeah, I have a question. You're waving at us as if you're angry, as if this question wasn't even one you wrote. I did write it, thankfully, I think. John, are you okay? I'm okay. I was totally fine. Then something about the past few steps, I was like, Oh, God, I'm walking up to speak with Konan and Sona and Matt and Jimmy Vivino in the band.

But you know what? You shouldn't feel that way. They're just people.

And he's a monster.

But an elevated monster on an ivory throne. Please, fire away. So, Konan, you've become a magnet for cameo appearances in movies. Thinking throughout history, if you could slot yourself into any movie, which would you choose and why? Wow, that's very good. That's an excellent question. Thank you so much. Deepro. Yeah. What?

Wow. Soda.

Not me.

It's paying off.

The drinks are paying off.

Yeah, you're answering for me. Me and Deep Throat. I would say... I'm going to go with that.

Because you would be so uncomfortable, and it would be really funny.

Or I'd get into it.

No, I don't think you'd get into it. I think you'd be really uncomfortable. You'd be like, Guys.

What do you mean? What would I be doing? You'd be like, Guys, do you know her name?

Are you okay, ma'am? Are you okay? Can I help? Can I get you any water? That's what you would be doing.

I'd be offering her water?

Wait, but is he not playing Deep Throat?

What? You think I'm the one who's... You said Deep Throat. No, she meant the movie, not the character. No, John's saying what you have now. But you immediately put me as the one who's on the receiving end. Yes. I did. Good Lord. But I meant Deep Throat. But yes to that, too. I'll do whatever it takes to make it in this business. I got to get to the top, and I don't care what I do. I got to put money in the bank, food on the table.

No, sorry. I didn't mean to-No, I can't think of anything else now.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm obsessed.

I'm sorry. You meant like a cameo. Like, what movie would you want to be in?

Oh, man. Wow, that's a really good question.

You could play Deep Throat in All the President's Men, where you're in the...

The Hal Holbrook in the parking lot. Yeah, Hal Holbrook in the parking lot. Yeah. No, that's terrible. You just lost the crowd. You can't see this at home. Maybe you can. They're filing out. Yeah. Wow, that's a really good question. I would love to be... You know what? One of my favorite scenes of all time is one of the Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers, and I just watched it again the other night where, and I can't remember. There are so many Pink Panther movies, but he is getting ready to interrogate the staff of an English manor, and he's upstairs, and he jumps on the parallel bars, and then he dismounds and falls down a flight of stairs, completely humiliates himself, but shoots up and then starts interrogating the entire staff. There's a butler who's just there watching it all, realizing what a fool Clouseau is. I would just love to be that guy. I would love to have been in a scene with Peter Sellers as Clouseau. That would be my dream and just be the straight man watching Clouseau completely humiliate himself. It's one of my favorite scenes in any comedy of all time.

I'll say that, and then deep throat. I'll I'll do whatever it takes. I just want to work in the business. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

We have time for one last question. Jasmine. Hi, Jasmine. Hi.

How are you?

I'm good. That's my husband. That's John. Really?

Wait a minute. The crazy one. Did you know that he was going to go up first?

Yeah.

Okay. Did you ever say, let me go first or something like that?

I tried. He wouldn't let me.

Interesting. Interesting. Wow. Okay, I don't like that. I think you should have a little couples with me sometime. Okay?

I'm a middle school, sixth to eighth grade history teacher.

Oh, good for you. I love teachers. I love it.

I'm always looking for ways to make history fun and engaging for the kids. I know that you're a big history buff as well. My question is, if you were to take over my job for a day, what fun and exciting things would you do with the kids to get them all so excited about history?

Well, knowing me, I would probably dress as a historical figure. Here. Yes, I've done that. Just for my own amusement. I'd come in and I'd want to be that character and inhabit that character and answer questions. I would need to turn it into an over-the-top performance. Maybe I'd have several costume changes where I'm different characters. They might hate it. They probably would, but I would just do that. I would do that, and there's no stopping me from doing that. I would be asking afterwards, How many laughs did I get? You'd be saying, That's not important. They really needed to learn about what what happened at the Battle of Trafalgar, and I'd say, But how many laughs did I get? Oh, my God. It would probably be detrimental to the class. I would recommend to them what I think is the best podcast in the world, which is The Rest is History. It's a podcast that's made in London, and it's with these two amazing hosts, Tom Holland and Dominic Sandbrooke, and they talk about history, and they're really funny, and they tell you these stories. There's 800 episodes, and I may have listened to half of them.

It's everything a podcast should be, or it's also included. It is informative, but also really funny. It's stories, and that's all history is. I'm very passionate about it. I think some people tune out when you say, Oh, let's talk about history, or you should study history. They're stories. They're the best stories.

I'm sorry. It just felt like the right time. I'm sorry.

I hate it here. I really hate it here. I blame the Fonda. Those pathetic stars out on the sidewalk. They're like Post-its. They peel them up at night. That's what I would do. But anyway, yeah, I'll give it a shot with your students someday. Maybe we could try it. How old are they?

sixth to eighth grade. They're like 10 to 13. That's tough.

That's a tough age. That's a tough age. I'm going to do my bit, and then as I'm dressed as Napoleon, they're going to beat the shit out of me in the parking lot. They're just going to wail on me. You're just going to see a guy in a paper hat getting wailed on, his long, giraffe-like legs, fluttering in the breeze.

You're going to get cyberbullied.

I'll be cyberbullied? Yeah. I don't even know. My wife will help me get online so I can be cyberbullied. I'm one of those guys that needs help getting cyberbullied. Can someone assist? My manhood is going to be questioned, but I can't get online. Well, it was very nice to meet you. Thank you. I like you. You're a nice person, and you're doing great work. Thank you for doing that. Thank you. Thank you, Jazmin.

Thank Sorry, I didn't mean to... History is important.

You stink. You're a terrible person. You know I really don't love you. No, no. Sona, what we have should be bottled and sold as some poison. Exactly. That was really nice. I've had a really good time tonight. I did, too. Have you guys had a good time? Quite a ride. Quite a ride. What's that?

Wasn't that quite a ride?

Yeah, quite a ride. Yeah. What do you mean? It was a roller coaster. Yes. Yeah. Lots of different emotions.

How was New York?

Yeah.

Good night, everybody. Sonum of Cessian, Matt Gourley. I love him. You know it. I know it, no matter what I say.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonum of Cessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineer Steering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of Serious XM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/konan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.