Transcript of Bobby's Bowling Date

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two or something. We're bad friends. Anyway, we're filming this podcast Election night.

We filmed this on election night on right now.

Right when you're listening to this. This is election night.

I also think we did this on the last election.

We were around then. Yeah, 2020. Yeah, 2020. This guy.

I'm almost positive no one talks except for us today. Did we do an episode? Did we do an episode on. I think we did. Because I remember him talking like this. This sounds familiar.

No, because I. No. I'll tell you why we weren't.

Tito Bobby was in Joshua.

I was in. Thank you so much. I was in Joshua Tree. Yeah, just like, you know, in a desert. Rap like a rabbit. Desert rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Desert rabbit. Rabbit. I can't. I can't pod today. I can't even say desert rabbit, Dude. I can't even say desert rabbit right now. Dude.

Say it again.

You give me the line again. I was in the desert rabbit.

Oh, you're in a desert rabbit.

Yeah, and it was. I remember. Do you remember? You were there.

Let's be real though.

I remember Julio was on the couch with his arm on the couch watching me. Yeah, I remember.

Did you even vote today?

No, I give money.

So you didn't even vote.

You didn't either.

Yes, I did.

There's no way. Where's your sticker?

Where's my sticker? I don't wear the sticker. I'm not a cuck.

Yeah, well, I did too then.

No, I know you didn't.

Yes, I did.

When?

Where I at Beechwood Canyon. No, you did.

No, you did. When?

What?

What time? 2pm 2pm?

Yeah.

Give me your phone.

You give me your phone.

Okay. What? What? Cuz I know at 2pm I can see who you were communicating with at 2pm and you would be like, I'm in line here. I am.

Yeah, that's my.

I have proof. I live with someone that goes, yep, I went to the fucking element and I have proof.

I have live with people that do it to.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I had my housekeeper.

Why would you lie?

Where are you going?

Did you vote?

Yes, I did.

You're a liar.

My housekeeper goes, where are you going?

I go, how can the fans believe you if you say you'd voted when we know you didn't?

How can you do this right now?

Because you're Mr. On your high horse.

You're a high horse.

Here you are complaining about something you didn't even contribute to.

Yeah, yeah, he's never voted.

Well, that's my point.

It doesn't matter in California.

Yes it does. No.

Yeah, I need. Wait, hold on. I need to chur up.

That's insane.

You know what? I'm gonna get a cookie.

Yeah, get catchuro and a cookie.

I'm gonna get half a cookie.

That'll solve all your problems. This is what the liberals do. They eat away their feelings. They're sad about what happened. They eat their munch, munch, munch. Cookie monster. No, but let me be serious for a second, okay? Neither of us voted. We know you didn't either. Of course not. All right, of course not. But we should for at least the local elections. I'm mad about that, but I couldn't because guess what went to the registrar. I'm not registered how I voted last time called. Still I need to go in and turn in more proof documents that it? It's me. So either somebody stole my identity, but I don't have my original birth certificate. Do you?

Mine's framed.

My parents died in a fire when I was a kid. They're all gone. Everything's gone.

You can do that online. Request another.

A birth certificate.

Exactly. Thank you so much.

How long does it take to get?

Maybe a week.

This is coming from someone that definitely didn't get a certificate of birth.

Yeah, let's not talk about birth certificates right now, dude.

Yeah, okay. Anyway, I tried.

Don't Google good. How you get one then we have to go through the process. I don't want to go through the process of it.

I don't know how long it does take. It is a pain in the ass. It's a whole thing proving you were born.

I mean, it took me three minutes.

To register to vote, but. Yeah, because you're a brand new citizen and they cannot wait to get your information. Guess what, dude? Jury duty's coming your way. You're going to have so much solicitation coming your way. I cannot wait. You're fresh blood, kiddo. You're new to the fold. And welcome, by the way. Can't wait to take your taxes. And another thing, scumbag.

You scumbag.

Get them, Bob.

Your students, right? Who paid for their dinner? Bobby, was that not a nice gesture?

That's right.

And you treat me like you did earlier.

Yeah.

About saying, oh, here's, you know, he doesn't, you know, Mr. Whatever. You already said whatever. What did he say?

I don't remember, But I can't even speak. I agree.

I'm so emotional. I can't even speak.

Get it out.

All right, so enough of that kind of behavior, all right?

And by the way, Bobby gave them money. And he goes so far. Not only did he give them money, he cooked them dinner Tonight. Came right from cooking dinner.

Wow.

Isn't that polite?

So polite.

I don't know, guys. I don't get that chef shirt. I love your fashion. You always have good fashion. The chef shirt I don't get.

It's the roach one. The McCone.

That is the roach shirt.

Yeah, McCone. Do you like this one? I think it's sick. I think it's sick, too. Yeah. And McCone would know more.

Yeah, dude.

McCone would know more.

Yeah. Come over here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at what this fucking loser's wearing. Okay, look.

Yeah, he's wearing an Adolf Hitler shirt.

Yeah. Yeah.

A tan. Yeah, you voted. All right, great.

Get out of here.

Get out of here, kid.

Fast as you can.

Yeah.

These jeans have a shit stain on the back.

Yeah.

Hate him.

I'll tell you another thing. If you ever pull your pants down in front of me and Jules and you do a ramen fart, I swear to God, dude, you have another thing coming.

What will you do? What will you do? You know what? This is like that clip with Mike Tyson when he's like, yeah, I'm a vote for Trump.

Yeah.

What? What are you going to do about it? And everyone's like, well, nothing. Yeah, that's right. So shut the fuck. So shut the fuck up. How about.

You know what? It's so funny. What am I going to do about it?

What are you going to do about it?

I'm going to do something that's not nonviolent.

Okay.

Okay, so is that what you're pertaining to?

No. Anything. What are you going to do about it? I'm going to fart. On. I'm going to. When I got a fart, I'm farting right at you.

Every time I twist minds.

Mm.

Okay. And I'll corkscrew your fucking mind into a different dimension.

You are mind boggling, all right? There's a lot of.

I, I, I have people that I call dude.

Whom?

Whom?

Yeah, whom. Whom do you call to whom? Don't scare me, bitch.

Okay. You went war. You want a war with me?

Yeah.

All right, we'll have a war.

Yeah.

I don't want it. You started it.

I didn't start shit.

Yeah, yeah.

You came at me.

Don't fart in my face.

Nobody farted in your face. I farted at her.

You farted at both of us.

Well, you were so much. You know what? You were in the blast radius.

Yeah.

You caught some shrapnel. You were in the blast radius. Yeah, it was aimed at you. Look, I tried to hit the Philippines.

It's like when Chernobyl went off, right? It affected Germany.

It did.

Yeah. Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Yes, I'm German. Yes, you're fuck, dude.

Das is niche goods.

Yeah.

By the way, ramen. I'm never going to go to that place ever again.

Which one is it?

Well, I don't want to shit on it.

Whisper.

Well, we can blank it out.

Yeah, Blanket out. Oh, it's terrible, dude. There's one by our houses.

No, no. This was because I was on the road. I know, I know. I'm on the. I was on the run and I was like, it's. I had a postmated to bring in here to eat it. Guess how much my ramen was tonight from them. I'm not kidding. I added some in there.

Okay?

So I got, I got a regular old school, right? And I added a few new vegetables. And. And I wanted extra meat. $32.

32. Right.

You know what I mean? That's a ripoff.

Boohoo, dude.

That's a ripoff, bro.

Do you know what?

That's a rip off. But by any standard, that's a rip off. Yeah, that's a ripoff.

This guy buys a silk, right, Cover for each one of his golf clubs.

That's not true.

That's 89.95 each. Silk, right? He's got 15 golf, right? Because they have to be like, you know, I mean, spotless and it's got to have that.

Go get the golf clubs right now and see how they're all.

Those are your secondary ones.

They're actually.

Those are. Those are your secondary ones that you keep at the office. You have ones at home. Whatever.

I have no clubs at home.

Louis Vuitton. Put it back.

Louis Vuitton.

Look at those silk things.

Bet Nardi, those covers are for the drivers uninformed. Didn't you get beat with those things? You don't even know what they are.

Yeah, yeah. My dad took the covers off.

Oh, he did?

Yeah, when he beat me with them. Yeah. Okay, so the silk covers.

Dude, thanks for not playing good improv and getting on board me with the ramen.

Oh, so $33 for ramen? Oh, no. You know, man, they should go back to wherever they came from. That's way too much money.

Where should they go back to?

I thought you wanted to improv. Now you're doing that. You're. Now you're negative. It.

Well, what do you. No, I'm not gonna. Don't go.

You're negative.

Go back to where they came from.

I don't know what bit you want me to do, dude.

Oh, funny.

Say it again then. Let's start again. Stay it again. I'll read the Tempo.

You know, I had really good ramen today.

Yeah? Well, where.

But it was expensive.

Where? Let me guess.

Where?

Let me guess. Yeah, because I've had a problem with these people, too, dude. Where does it say with. It start with a J. It does end with an A.

It does.

Janga.

Did you get nervous when we were yelling at each other? Yeah.

And you were getting red, so I thought it was.

I'm hot. I should take off this sweater. It's too hot in here.

Yeah.

You're scary when you're angry.

I know.

Thank you.

What, me?

You're okay.

Yeah, See, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. You're not angry with peace. You know what I mean?

No.

Yeah. Yeah. Firm but soft.

Always soft.

Yeah, It's a com. It's a combo. See, I do combo expressions, what people don't realize about me.

Yeah, you're like a combo.

Yeah. Yeah.

Filled with.

Yeah. Rage, but empathy. A little hint of empathy underneath. Right. Joy, but with a little bit of resentment.

Yeah.

It's a combination that I put out there because I'm human and I'm a complex human being. Dynamic in many ways. Okay. So I am sorry that you spent so much on that food.

Thanks. And I'm just not going to Tell you anything anymore.

That's. You're being like a little baby right now.

You lead the show.

Oh, come on, dude. Can I just say something?

No. Lead the show tonight.

I'll tell you something, right?

I'm going to let you lead the show. You ready?

So this fucking guy, Amir K, is in the green room at the comedy. I'll tell you where. Where. Where I'm at right now.

Yeah. Where's this coming from? I thought we'd put cookies in you. You'd be happy.

Give me. Hey, give me the rest of the cookie, please. Yeah, yeah, please.

Give him more cookie.

Oic.

Huh?

What? What happened with the oic? I'm on the oic.

Oh, dude. Dude, don't. I'm trying to have a show tonight.

I know, dude, what are you doing? Dude, I'm going to get you or I'm going to. You want to get me?

Give him the cookie.

Thank you. What's this? No, stop.

Give me the other one.

No. What's this? I don't know.

It's in the box. You want half of this, Rudy?

Yeah.

Okay.

Very good.

I don't want this. Probably jelly or something. Yeah, yeah. Come here, dude.

Lick it off his finger. Lick it off.

Good boy, good boy, good boy. Okay. Good cookie.

These are so good.

Let's start a new one.

Let's start new.

Okay. Boom. A week ago, I'm in the green room at the Comedy Store. I'm just sitting there with. I want to say his name. Should I say it?

Why can't you say he's my dear friend? Yeah, we're friends with him, but we can't say the name. Because you want to protect him because of what? The best.

Well, you know, I just, you know, he. He started spouting off some politics. I mean, you know, and when it comes to fishing, I'll listen to him. What's so funny? He loves the fish.

He's actually incredible fisher. I've eaten fish that he's caught.

Yeah, he's a great fisherman. Okay.

What's so funny? McCon.

Yeah, dude, what's so funny? I just wasn't expecting fishing to get.

Brought up in this political conversation.

I mean, for sure he can't come to Australia.

You're not coming.

Yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

Unpack your shit when you get home.

Yeah, for sure.

Unpack it. Stay.

Yeah, because that stuff, that right there, dude, not good.

Dude, let me tell you, I don't want to cut you off. I want this story to finish, but just so I can be a little.

Bit more I'm with you here.

When I walked in today and these two guys saw. Well, no, you saw it. Actually, Andre saw it. Did he have attitude to me, oh, Bobby, if you were here. And then I yelled at him and I said, if Bob were here for this and you. The response, the way he responds to me these days.

It's okay.

It's. It's. I'm actually like, I'm genuinely shocked.

Okay, so this Bad Friends, just to give you some education, is a TV show. We do TV show numbers.

That's right.

Okay, well, so you know, when a pa. Let's see A showrunner.

What?

A showrunner.

Let's say there's a showrunner.

Got it.

And a pair or you know, somebody on set that does like props, right? Talks back, right? In a negative way to the showrunner.

Right?

The showrunner doesn't even know that dude's name.

He gets fired on the spot.

He's like, who's that?

Who's that guy?

What we did was we went, oh, let's memorize the prop guy's name, right?

We let him in and let's exchange.

Number with the fucking lighting guy, right? And all of a sudden the lighting guy's like, oh, I'm equal to the showrunner.

He's actually an assistant's assistant.

Assistant, Assistant. Assistant.

He's assistant. Assistant, assistant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

And for some reason he's in the executive office, right?

And he thinks you're a peer and you're not. Right. And what you're going to realize, my little friend, okay, is that when you're out in the world without us.

Yeah.

You're going to drown.

You're going to drown, pal.

Right? You're going to drown and you're going to drown forever.

So if you want this life saving.

What's that smirk about, Carlos? About drowning forever?

That made me laugh.

But you're doing the thing too, like. Oh, yeah, you try to make me drown. That's what that laugh was. You're so on edge tonight, dude. I didn't.

What?

You're on edge. I'm not on edge. All I did was laugh. Don't ever call me on edge. You're a standup comedian. I laughed at your fucking joke. Get out of here. Now. You raised all your voice. You're fired.

You're fired.

I'm the tormentor. You actually. Oh, yeah, yeah. You need me for this. Oh, you stay, stay. Okay.

Stay, stay.

Don't push me, dude. I got it.

All right, so you made, you made the bet.

This Indian middle Eastern guy.

Okay, sure, whatever. Yes.

You mean funny guy.

He's from Iran.

Funny guy. Right, right. And you know, he's got a person, he's saying, that's from a different Midwest. Midwest. Who has certain beliefs.

Sure.

But I don't. I had dinner with them.

That's fine.

Fine. Right. But he started touting of like, oh, for sure.

It got real political.

Going to be Trump. Right. And, you know, I'm not that. I. You know, I'm in the middle. You know, I was like. Can I. Can I ask you something?

What's going on with this show?

Andrew, Can I ask you something, please? Is it me?

No.

What I'm seeing and I'm sensing, is it me?

No.

So I'm not going insane.

Tap your side right now. Tap the side of your leg.

Okay.

Because everyone in here is out of pocket. You hear that? My pockets are empty because all you guys are out of it. Dude, you're out of fucking.

I'm out of pocket. Yeah. I have no money.

These guys are out of pocket.

It is him tonight.

Oh, my God.

What'd you say? You're vibrating with, like, crazy energy tonight. Oh, my God. I came here with such. Namaste. Energy.

Like, he was not. I came here.

I came here, like, Steven Seagal. Namaste, dude.

Namaste.

And then what you're doing, dude, is you're fucking gaslighting me.

You're making me feel nervous.

Wait, why?

You, too, now? Yeah. Like what?

Your energy.

Wow.

What's going on?

Wow. Wow.

You have the floor. I want you to just. What?

What? Dude, could I ask you something?

Yeah.

Are you on my side?

I need you do me a favor.

I'll be real. I'll be real. I'm being real right now.

I know.

I need you on my side right now.

Take one more bite of a car.

All right? I need you let.

One more bite.

I need you to go down with me if I'm going to go down.

Dude, I'm right here.

I love you so much.

I'm right here. Please.

I don't feel any support here.

Hey, I am right here.

I feel no support here.

I'm right here. Okay, but what is that? What is that?

Ha ha, ha ha.

Of course I'm on your side.

Okay, good. Ha.

I will never leave your side, ever. I'll never abandon you, ever.

No. Fine. I feel great. I feel wonderful. Thank you.

Can I say something? Last night, you got a compliment at the party. We went to Burt's house for a little surprise party.

It was fun.

Although it Wasn't a surprise.

Oh, can I just tell you about that too?

Well, it was.

Shit.

What did I.

Dog hole. Human.

What did I. What did I do?

You.

You fuck. Fuck.

What did I do? What did I do?

I'm a couple hours away. I think I'm gonna be late to this thing. And you text me, you have to be there by 6:30. No, you didn't. I. Can I get the text right here?

You called me and you said I.

Had to be there. There's a surprise party. But what I'm saying is that. So I get there at 5:50, I wait 40 minutes, there's no one there. I'm at Burke's house. I'm just there with his wife.

It's you and your brother.

And my brother and Leanne Kreischer.

What a nice moment, right?

But now bert's coming at 6:30, and now I'm the only one there saying, surprise. So I hear Bert come in the house and there's like 20 people supposed to be there, right? He comes around the corner, and my brother, who my Bert's never met Steve before, and I have like a little cigar case that I bought him, and we go, surprise, right? And he laughed so hard because that was like the most unglorious surprise.

What a comedy moment, right? What a funny moment.

You're the last person I ever thought that you would be here. And then you trickle it at 650, like, what's your deal, amigo?

Okay, so give me a little bit of credit for a great comedy moment in both your and Bert's life. I know you. You got the text message, you didn't read it. You called old Andy and you said, what time do we have to be there? Even though it texted us today, the Evite. This is when you're supposed to be there. So I said to you, you gotta be there by 6.

Yes.

The invite said, no need to come before 6:30.

Yes.

I did that to bait you to be there before everybody, because I thought that'd be funny.

It's not.

It worked.

It did for you.

It was hilarious.

End of world, okay?

Because I walked in and everybody was like, what? How is Bobby here before anybody else? It was perfect. And by the way, you're welcome. He remembered it. He talked about it all night. When you left, he's like, how cool is that? That Bobby was here with his brother first?

Yeah.

So you're welcome.

Okay.

And I stayed all night, by the way, talking with Bert and Leanne.

How long were you there?

Till I think I left at 10:40 or 11:00.

Wow.

We talked all night.

Wow.

I love those people. Me, too.

I love them, too.

They're great. A.

And I had to get out of there.

And Fitzsimmons. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What?

So Bert has. Bert has dogs. Bert has dogs that are so big, I mean, it's almost shocking, you know, when you see a dog that's so big, you can't believe it. Pit bulls, they're. They're like. They're mastiffs, but they're mixed. So check this shit out. The first picture is. The first picture is of Steve. Steve, who I'm. I love more than anybody, is sitting on the couch. This is Bobby's brother sitting on the couch with the dog.

Jules doesn't like them that much, but I love Steve.

Look at this. There's Steve. And I said to Leanne, how much does that dog weigh?

Yeah.

She go, I go, steve, that dog is as big as you. The dog is 160 pounds.

Yeah, he weighs more than Steve.

Steve weighs 155 pounds. Yeah, that dog is bigger than Steve.

What a beautiful dog.

And look at the next picture. Look at how scared Fitz was of sitting next to this dog.

Okay.

Didn't like the drool of the petting. Look at his face. Look at his fucking face, dude. That was at the end of the night. Look at the size of that dog.

He's looking more and more like the old man from Up. Look at that photo, dude. I mean, I love him.

I showed this photo to my wife, and she didn't have her glasses on.

Yeah.

And she literally goes, look at that dog. And then she goes, ellen was there last night.

No, there's no way. There's no way.

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But those.

Imagine that thing pulling you down the street.

Here we go again. You don't have the questioning my fucking strength again, dude. I cannot believe today you don't have the core strength. You don't have nothing.

What?

You have nothing either.

Dude, you got to come better than that.

No, I'm not. I don't need to. I can. I can come with whatever energy today.

Rudy. It's wild.

Yeah.

What is that?

You're right.

What is going on? Get him another cookie.

You're right. I'm. I'm off. I'm off. I'm off. I'm off. You know what? I'll try chocolate croissant today.

Today is wild.

Yeah, Take a try. Chocolate croissant.

Get him a chocolate croissant, please.

This is something.

Hey mcon, do me a huge favor.

Yeah.

Have one of those things loaded in the chamber.

Yeah. Also can I have another thing? Dude, give me a diet coke. If there was one I'd really like one.

Look at me. I know what's wrong. I know what's wrong. My best friend. I know it's wrong.

What's wrong?

This is a. This is an emotional day. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. Rudy, help.

My birthday is on Saturday.

Oh, shut the up.

I won't be here.

Wait, your birthday's on Saturday?

Oh, I'm turning 23.

I feel old.

23.

Oh, God, you're so haggard now. You're burnt. They'd kick you out of Vegas.

That's when they started. Stand up, Rudy.

Jewel's birthday. There it is.

Yeah, so we'll get you something. Dicok.

What did you get? What did you get Bert for his birthday? A box of cigars. Yeah, you know, that's a classy move.

I got him eight of them.

Yeah, there were a lot. That's very expensive.

I went into a cigar store. Okay, can I say something about Eric Griffin? This moves two hours away.

Yeah, he lives in.

So then he goes, hey, come to my house and do a pod. My 300th not knowing. And then I look at the map and.

Not two hours away.

Two hours away. Yeah, I'm out. Wait, it's past Magic Mountain.

There's even anything up there.

Yeah, that's where it ended.

Edge of the Earth.

Yeah. Yeah, like a flat Earther. I thought that's where it ended.

No, past Six Flags or ain't nothing past Six Flags.

So I got way out there and I'm like, oh, my. I was so resentful because it's like.

That'S a far drive.

If it was like Conan O'Brien, he would never live. Maybe.

Yeah, but he's not living out there.

You know, I mean, if it was like. You mean name Jump store? Yes, absolutely.

I drive wherever the.

That San Francisco. I'll drive.

I'd walk Eric Griffin.

It's like. That's a 20 minute drive.

Send a car.

That's my. Yeah, that. That's the most. I'll go.

He should have sent a car.

15, 20 minutes.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Right.

I keep seeing his ad on Tik Tok.

Who?

Eric Griffin.

What do you mean ad?

What, for what?

I don't know. And your ad for the hot sauce. Hot sauce or beer or something. I keep seeing Fireball.

Oh, fireball.

Yeah, I keep seeing you on Tik Tok.

The Fireball ad.

Wow, you're famous.

No, but they put it on tv. I didn't know it was on Tik Tok.

They did Tick tock.

Oh, me And Stavros, me and the. You remember Stavros? Remember him? He came the best, by the way. His movie is getting all sorts of love.

It's great. You what? Congratulations.

I'm not in it. I'm saying st. Everything you've ever done. Oh, thank you.

Look at me right now.

Yeah.

Look at me right now.

Huh?

Actually, stop, stop, stop.

Wait, wait. 84 audience score.

That's amazing.

That's huge.

Yeah.

Why no tomatometer?

Because there's too few reviews.

Right. Because it's an indie.

The last year.

Yeah.

I've been secretly working on a movie.

That's great.

If you. There's a part in there.

No, no, because I heard what you already said. You said it and you didn't say it.

What?

You went. There's a small. If you do.

There's a part. That's how I said.

Play back the tape in the edit. Play back the tape of him going.

There's a smart.

Oh, a smart part. Oh, a smart part.

Mr. Fucking. You know what I mean? Assumptions over here.

There's a smart part.

Yeah.

For me?

Yeah.

What's the character?

The smart guy? Scientist.

How many pages?

Many pages.

Money pages. Many, many pages.

Yeah.

You know how many pages of the film in general? 130 you0 wrote a 130 page comedy script?

Yep.

That'll never happen.

We're gonna condense it you.

I hope so anyway. To less than 90.

Okay.

How many pages am I in? How many smart pages am I on?

10.

I'm in 10.

Yeah. 10 lines.

How many scenes?

10 lines.

10 lines. How many scenes'?

10 lines. One scene.

It's one scene. I have 10 lines.

Small part.

It's a small part. This is making sense.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you're not going to do the lead timeout. You're not the lead of the movie. It's your movie.

What's this, pal?

Bad coke.

Can I get a can or.

Wow. Bryson got that right.

Yeah.

Bryson, very nice of you, bud. What's the premise of this movie you've put together? And when you say I've been working on a secretly. You haven't been at the computer.

Yeah, but I've been meeting up with.

The writer, telling him what to do.

Well, we go through beats of the movie and you know, I mean.

Okay, I like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like that.

His name is Mike McGrail.

I love it. And then. So what's the premise of the film?

What's set in the 90s and there's a border crossing between Canada and the U.S. it's in. It's in Washington, and no one crosses it. Like once a year. I got two cars across it. So there's a little bo. It's in the 90s. And this is a little border patrol, like, three agents that work at that little.

Is this based on a true story?

Yeah, it's a real place.

Okay.

Right. And generally the three that are there are, like, not the best border. There's nothing to do. So there's, like, pranks between the. You know, I mean, the Canadian border and this and that. Meanwhile, a real threat is coming over.

Great idea.

Right. And we're a bunch of bumbling kind of. You know, I hope.

I really. I hope that goes because that would be fucking rad. The story's rad.

But there's a. A scene where you're.

No, I'm. You're not gonna get me to do that. I mean this from all my heart. I will never do that movie. No chance.

Okay.

Yeah. I love you.

I love you too, man.

I would that you. You wouldn't do that. If it was the other way. You know that.

Oh, I've done it before.

Name it.

Every movie I've ever been in.

No, no. If it was the other way. With this. With you and I. Yeah. No, no, no. If it was the other way. If I did.

Okay. So I know that Spade and Theo has a movie. Right?

Right.

And they might offer me a small part in it.

Right.

I will do it.

You're. You're not listening to a word I'm saying. If this was the other way, and I did, and I said we have a small part for you. You're not doing it. Do you get it?

Yeah, I would.

No, you wouldn't. Have your mind test, test, test. No, he wouldn't.

What's a test?

I'm testing these guys because they know.

He does say yes to a lot of his friends.

I do podcasts.

No, I did that Robert Kelly thing on the fucking thing. That was terrible.

But this is me and you. It's different than those people. You wouldn't do it if I did this thing.

It's a funny, really, scene stealing kind of part, though. It's not like some throwaway thing. It's like you're going to steal the movie with it.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, it's super funny. There's violence in it. I wanted me so mad.

I'm gonna go to the theater and I'm gonna go, man, I wish I was in.

I'm asking you for a favor, dude.

I don't like Favors.

I'm asking you for a favor.

Okay, you know what?

What?

Okay, that's fine.

You throw me out.

No, I'm serious. You're right. No, you're right. And I say yes. Now, listen. I'm saying yes. Yeah, hold on. Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I speak to Vicky?

Who's Vic, this is.

I'm calling Morgan Stanley, the bank. They're my loan. Hey, guys. Hey, Vic. Are we on? Hey. Hey, do you think I could pay my mortgage with favors? Yeah, our bills, could I pay them with favors?

Okay.

Did they take favor slips? Okay, yeah. Like, if I can't pay my fucking mortgage this month, is it cool if I say it's for a favor?

Hold on.

Could they do a favor for me?

What's up?

All right, Vic, I'll talk to you. Bye. He's actually getting a phone call.

Done, right?

Gene Hong, fucking cut it out.

You made. You called Morgan. And Morgan.

You know I'll do whatever you want. I would do anything for you. And let me have a moment.

I'm gonna call the mirror, though.

Let me have a moment with you.

Okay.

I mean it. You know I would do anything for you. Anytime.

I know.

For the rest of my life after this. All right.

Yeah. I'm on. I'm on bad friends right now. And I think I lost.

Get that money out and get it ready, buddy.

I know, dude. I admit. I was wrong. And I lost. And I'm going to give you the 500.

What, man?

Tell this man how wrong he was, man.

He was wrong, man. I love Amir.

Yeah. Yeah. So? It's money, Andrew. Cash money. 500, dude.

No, no, he said Amir. You said it was a thousand.

Yeah, it was a thousand. It was 500. Amir, if you want to go down this road, I can go down this road with you, dude.

Okay.

All right, brother. I'm going to Australia tomorrow. When I get back, I'll get the 500. Beautiful.

I love you.

I love you, buddy.

Love you, dude. He's so funny.

By that now I feel better. Because now. Because he was the only one I bet it with, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel better.

Good.

I accept.

Except this. You know I'm gonna do the movie.

Yeah.

I would do anything for you. And I mean it. Now look at me.

Don't.

Don't budge me off. Yeah, but I do a bit for the show.

You're gonna be so mad. There's no part in the movie for you. I'm kidding. There is. Let's move on.

Let's be real. I'm not doing I would never. That it. Give him the. Yes, give him a churro, please. Give him the material.

Give me a churro.

Put it in. Keep it in a chamber.

I want a plate. Please give me a plate.

You're eating a lot.

No, he's not.

You're gonna puke again.

I know. I took a big.

He's already. You didn't take it today.

I did. Yesterday I took it.

Yeah. Not today. Isn't it.

It's one week. Once a week.

Oh, yeah.

I'm gurgling.

You're gurgling.

Yeah, but I need to do it because I'm just. I don't know what else.

Because it's fun.

Yeah.

You'll be fine.

You found it. Because he's. This guy's the best.

We don't. We don't even have. Oh, in the cabinets.

Yeah.

Let me. Let me say this. That does sound like a phenomenal movie idea. I really do. I really like that. Like, I think it does sound dope. I think you're gonna kill it.

They're not gonna get. They're not gonna do it.

Why would they not. I don't even understand why we don't.

Even have a thing yet, you know.

With a production team that they've got behind it that maybe.

Maybe people are going to want to do, but. Yeah, that's what my dream cast would be.

That's your dream cast?

Yeah.

Oh.

They're not attached to it. I just, like, I want. For this. I want him. I want him. And then.

What's so funny?

What's so funny? Because let me tell you something about your dream cast for the zombie movie.

I knew that was coming.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know who these other people are, but I know that. Who's not in it. Us too. And now, I swear to God on my mother's life.

Oh, that's right.

My mother's life. I will never do it. Fucking piss me off. You just lost me, dude.

This is what you get, you piece of shit. Dude, this is what you get.

I'm glad you're not. I need a break from you, dude. I'm glad you're not going to Australia.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

You want to tell them?

What? He's going.

Him and his wife and the baby are coming.

How?

They asked if they could make a.

Family vacation, but not the whole time.

Yeah. No, don't.

I know it's coming.

I can hear it.

Oh, it's coming out.

We've been. Rudy, I haven't talked to you all night, so you talk to her.

I need any time.

How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

What's going on in your world right now?

Nothing.

You feeling. You feeling good? You feeling bad? What's going. What, what's. What's the news?

Well, I'm scared for the election.

You are? Well, it's over when this podcast comes out. It's over.

Yeah.

So how do you feel? It's over. It happened. Whatever you say.

Yeah, So I don't. I'm not going to get deported.

Yeah, you will. You'll get deported regardless. You will. Why? If we have anything to do with it.

But you guys are helping.

We are. We're going to keep you in this country for as long as.

Let me ask you something. If. If there was some like, you know, Trump was like, you know, I want to get everyone out of here. Do you think you and I have be able to figure out her situation or no?

Yeah, we would use like the famous card and we'd get.

I think that would have to go through. We'd have to go through Rogan maybe.

Yeah, we'd have to go through somebody to keep her here. Yeah, Rogan would.

I mean, yeah, call Trump, cuz you endorsed him.

Yeah, please keep her.

Yeah, keep her.

He's not going to kick you out? I'm not going to kick you out, I promise.

Hopefully.

No, he's more likely to kick Andre's out for sure.

Well, at least revoke, right? Yeah, revoke the citizenship because you could.

Find out what kind of trash bag he really is.

Yeah.

So nothing is going on in your world. You're in the. You're in school right now.

Yeah, I don't know if I can say it, but I got. I got dumped by my friend.

Wait, dumped? I'm sorry, your boyfriend, you mean friends? Wait, your friend.

Tell us what happened. Let us be helpful.

Okay. But you guys are also the reason why I got dumb.

What the. Did we.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Please. Okay, be honest.

Remember when I told you I went to that party? Hermosa.

Yeah.

More details.

And I remember Sharkeys.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those cowboys and stuff there. You said.

Yeah. And you guys said I needed new friends because my current friends were trash.

I didn't. We didn't say that.

Insane.

I don't think we said that at all.

Yeah, you did.

Was it trash?

I think so. And then they heard about it.

From who?

From the podcast.

Why are they listening?

Why are they listening?

That's what I'm saying. But then I guess they're listening and Then what?

They say.

And then they ghosted me.

Wow. That's.

Ghosted you.

They know this is a comedy podcast. We're kidding.

I explained it in a long letter apologizing for hurting their feelings.

No, no, no, no, no.

Are you being real right now, dude? Okay, I am so livid. Oh, my God. First of all, don't get me started. Dude, what's going on?

You shouldn't have to apologize. We're joking.

We're joking around.

And you never said anything.

You never said anything bad.

They didn't like that I called him party girls.

I want. I want to. I.

It's.

It's.

It's the re. You know what? I'm glad Trump won. I can't. That's the point. I can't. I can't.

Yes.

I can't. I'm done.

You're done?

I'm done with it.

It's gone too far.

Two senses. I hate it.

They don't want to be called party girls. Why is party girl? Is that in. What world would that be? Like, Would that be defamatory? Party girl.

I want to party.

Yeah, you're a party girl.

Party girl. I'm a party guy.

I'm a party boy.

Yeah.

Yeah. So they didn't.

So, wait, they said they called us party, Clearly.

So, okay, what did they. So they called you and goes, we can't believe.

No, they ghosted me.

Yeah, but. But you're assuming that the ghost is attached to that. Yeah. So I want to know how you know that they saw it. Because they must have said something.

Somebody.

Someone from that group that's like, I'm close to them. I texted her personally, and she said, yeah, we didn't like what you said in the podcast, and you hurt our feelings.

Okay, first of all, we hurt the feelings. You didn't do that.

And then I said, party girls.

Okay, I said. Then you said, party, and I kind.

Of nodded when you guys said, you need new friends.

It's a joke. That's a comedy project.

I explained that.

I can't do it. I'm out. I'm. I'm out splitting on a letter. Nobody reads letters. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or let's try to make amends now.

They're not gonna listen.

Yes, Listen to the last one. So party girls. No, I mean, I don't know their name, so I don't know how to dress them.

Listen up, party girl.

No, no. How about Jules's ex friends?

Jules's ex friend.

Yeah. Listen to me right now, by the way.

You guys are Only creating a monster. She's going to become a superhero now because of this, right?

Yeah.

You're fueling her fire.

Okay, so, ladies, okay. Jules is probably one of the best human beings I've ever met in my whole entire life. Fact, she's a daughter to me. I love her like I have my own flesh and blood. I really believe that.

Yeah, me too.

I feel that. Okay. And there's not a bad bone in her body. Nope. Some of this podcasting and mumbo jumbo. We're forcing her to do it. Really? To be honest with you, because she's so good, you know? I mean, she's just perfect for the show.

She's brilliant.

She's innocent. Right. There's just certain dynamics that work well with us, you know, her personality. And so we bring her on here, you know? I mean, she's. She's game, right?

Game.

A lot of times she's just kind of going along with what we're saying.

She's just having fun.

She's having fun. But is she. Sometimes she's not.

I'm having fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But.

But. But at the end of the day, you know, if you take that personally.

Come on, keep going. Yes.

All right. You're gonna die.

You're gonna die. The world is a scary place.

I mean, not like. I'm not gonna. I'm just saying.

No, we're not gonna kill you.

Yeah. We're not gonna kill you. I'm just saying, life is gonna. Just. It's gonna come down on you and press you into the dirt.

Yes.

All right. And just smudge your face deep into the dirt.

And then when you. Once you learn.

Yeah. Yeah.

That Jules is not the.

Are you out of your mind?

Yeah. That's a. It's a.

Life is hard.

I'm sorry. And Jules is not the culprit here. We.

We are. We're the evil ones.

Yes. She's not.

Yeah.

Just having fun. Innocent.

Yeah. Yeah.

And. And. And if that is going to sever a friendship because of a dumb joke that him and I made.

Yeah.

That's not. Chill.

Yeah. We know you're not party girls. We know that you're intelligent, ethical, moral, sensitive.

Sensitive, for sure.

Weak. What? Say it.

A little weak.

Weak. Yeah. A little weak. Yeah.

A little weak.

Tender.

Soft.

Tender. Soft.

Pliable.

Pliable. Yeah.

Malleable.

Manual. Yeah. Malleable. I like that word. Yeah.

Valuable, but. Malleable.

Valuable, but. Malleable.

And, look, we don't know you, and we love you. We love you, and we want you to know that Jules loves you. And she's a sensitive soul, too. And she doesn't like someone taking a joke that these two morons made to heart. Because we're dumb idiots. We really are. Look at the set that we're on.

The set that we're on.

Look, we're inside of a McDonald's. I mean, give me a break. We're morons.

We're morons.

And we're just trying to have fun. And please, we're just two guys. Don't take it out on Jules.

Just having fun.

Two guys just having fun.

So Jules is a great girl. And if it's, you know, at the end of the day, I honestly believe this. It's so your loss.

That's your loss if you don't be friends.

Really? Because this is a rising person.

This is a great human.

Yeah, he's rising.

He's going to lose a.

You know what she is, dude? Oh, you know what she is? What we ever see Logan.

Logan. Paul.

No, not Logan. Paul the movie. Logan.

Oh, yeah. Logan the origin story.

Logan.

Yeah.

Remember the little girl?

Oh, yes.

With the two claws.

Yes.

Right?

She's from Spain.

She's from Spain. Yeah.

Shut up, Andre.

Okay, zoom in on that.

That.

That. Right? Rudy is Rudy.

That's Rudy.

Because she loves knives. Right? And so. Hey, party girls, you want to fuck with that?

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't.

I want that on my side.

Right? See that body right there? That was a party boy.

That was a party boy.

Yeah. Yeah. And she destroyed him. Right? So if you don't call her back, you're gonna have war with us.

That's right. You don't want that.

You don't want that.

That's bad.

You called her back. You invite her back to Moose McKilliguddies or wherever you guys go.

It was Moose McGillica.

Yeah, yeah. Or whatever, right? Or Sharky's Pizza or Wood Fire Mexican food, whatever it is.

Yeah.

Pitfire. Yeah, Right, Right? And you go out and hang out with these fucking.

Have fun.

Have fun. And just know that you're party girls.

Know that you are.

You know. You know what? I'm gonna double down on it. You are party girl.

You're absolutely party girl.

Right?

And because we get mad at the things we are.

Yeah, we get mad at the things we are.

And you got mad because somebody called you a party girl. Because you're a party girl.

Party girl.

We did a full fucking. We came right back to where we started.

We don't care. Yeah, you know what? I'm good. No. You know what? I'm gonna go this way. Stop. Stop. Good. Don't ever talk to them again. Don't ever talk to them again. I just thought about it. It's fucking uncalled for.

You deserve cool friends that have. That don't care about two idiots saying something.

Yeah.

It's just awkward going to school because I see them.

Oh, yeah.

I don't want you.

You know what, dude? Don't see them. Well, don't see them.

Pretty small.

Yeah. What?

In school I can see them, though.

But I. I see people that I don't see. You listen to this, right? This is true.

Dude, he did it yesterday.

Yeah, I do it. Yeah, I do it all the time. If there's somebody at a party I don't like.

Yeah, you don't see him.

I see him, but I don't.

I didn't know you were there.

Yeah, I saw. I see right through them.

I didn't even see. You're at the party.

See right through them.

Yeah.

Okay. Okay. They're nothing.

That's great.

Yeah. You're in a movie. Okay. You know, I'll tell you something right now. There was a movie called Commando Love. Do you remember the Commando? Who's in the movie? Commando?

Well, Carlos McCone doesn't.

McCone do. You know, I actually haven't seen Command. Yeah. Who's in it? Andres Arnold. Derald. Arnold's in Commando. Right. There's a scene in Commando. Well, this is probably. I could use probably a million other movies.

Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know. I used Commando. It just came to my mind.

Yeah.

Because I just remember watching Commando as a kid and there was like a couple of people exploding in the background.

Love.

Right? And I'm like. I always thought to myself, oh, that actor. Not much to do. Yeah. Yeah. So that was commando.

Mr. Steel, your girl, if you see that, right.

There's a million people that die in back of them. They explode, they get shot up and whatever. Right, right. A lot of times it's like that. Be Commando.

Be Commando.

Right?

Shoot him up.

Shoot him up, dude.

Well, don't literally, but metaphorically shoot him up.

Be that guy.

Okay.

And with the little Logan girl, like a combo. Combo deal.

Okay. Commando Logan.

Dude, you're Commando Logan. Did your.

Commando Logan, in fact, when you turned.

Saturday, that's your new name.

Commando Logan.

Yeah.

Salute. Commando Logan. That's British. That's the British.

That's us.

No, that's British.

That's. No way, dude.

That's British.

This.

Yeah.

Hi.

Doing my national anthem. Yeah.

When you do that, is that really British?

No.

What is it?

That's ours.

Thank you.

Yeah. Hey.

Yeah, it's British.

Yeah, it's British.

I know. You're right.

That's all right.

Yeah. So I have a crush.

You have a little new crush.

But it's a gay, and that's okay.

Whoa. Ring the bell. I finally got you to come out on this show. After all these years of doing the Three Card Monty, he finally picked a smart role.

It's a smart roll.

Oh, it is. Go ahead. Who's the crush?

Charles Milton.

So it is gay?

No, I just think he's hot.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

What do you mean?

You said. No, it's not gay.

It's not gay.

That's gay.

That's gay.

It's okay.

How is. How isn't good.

I'm. I hung out with them. I went bowling with them. Right.

So you're gay.

No, he taught me how to bowl. Wrong guy.

I've heard that before. What a guy.

He really is. He really, really did. He's like the under. Because you know how I bowl and I go underhand.

Yeah. You flip it.

He goes. He grabbed my hand like this. And he goes. Grip it like this. Right. Keep your eye on the.

That's a date.

No, it's not a date. Dude.

He. He showed you how to bowl?

Yeah. And he goes. And then he goes. Just don't. It's not about strength. I want more accuracy.

This sounds so gay.

No. And I just looked at his face and he smiled.

That guy right there.

Yeah. And I. So I. He. I learned. And then I had the best score I've ever gotten.

He scored.

Well, it was me, Charles Milton and Ali Wong on one team. And then Gene Sonny, you know, I mean, from beef and some other people on the other team. And Charles Milton taught me how to fucking bowl. You got a little crush and that's not a crush. It's not. No, I'm not gay.

You said crush to start the whole thing.

I think that he. But can I be honest with you? Ask me if you think. I think. I see if he handsome.

Do you think. Couldn't even get it out.

I couldn't even get it out. Ask me. Yeah.

Do you think Charles Milton is handsome?

Yeah. And I can say that as a hetero.

Okay.

Okay.

Seems like you get butterflies when seeing him.

It's not butterfly. You know. Here's what I got excited about. Can I tell you how I got excited?

It sounds like butterflies, doesn't it?

Yeah. No. You don't know what butterflies are, then. You do.

Yeah, I think I do. And I think you look at those. Look at that. Right now. Stare at that for five seconds, quietly.

He was. He doesn't look like that.

Stare at that. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I can actually see it in your eyes. You're having, like, a throwback in your eyes. All right, so. So you got a little crush.

That's not a crush, but it's a man crush. So I was at the bowling alley, and he comes. He has a motorcycle, right. So he has a helmet. Right.

Of course.

He has, like, one of those Wolverine leather jackets. Right. And he looks greasy.

Yeah.

And he just came out, took the helmet off, and I looked at. I could recognize him already. Right? But I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I said don't. Don't make the first move. Don't, like, just be cool. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

So I was just kind of, like.

Looking at a girl on a date.

No, no, I was looking at the. I see him. I was right next to. Where? The rack of the bubble. So I was like, sticking my fingers in the holes to see which. That's a thing.

Mm. No.

But I'm trying to find the right hole.

Yeah, you're. I know you are. Yeah, I know you are.

Right. And he goes. He comes right up to me, and he goes, I'm a big fan of yours.

Yeah.

And I go, you want a bowl? Because eat first. So we ate first.

So you had a date. You had a dinner date?

No. Kachin was there, too. The one we just talked earlier?

Sure.

Yeah.

Gene was eating with you?

Yeah, us. Me, Gene, and Charles. And we ate.

Was it ever just you and Charles alone?

No. No.

Did you want it to be?

No. You see, this is kind of.

I'm talking at the end of the night.

This is the kind of photo off.

When he said goodbye. No, leave it up.

Yeah.

At the end of the night when he said goodbye, did you kind of want to hang some more?

Well, he's a talented guy. I want to learn.

Do you want to hang some more?

Yeah, I want to learn things from him. You want? He taught me how to bowl.

You want to see him again? Did you exchange numbers?

No, I didn't.

Do you wish you did?

No.

Is this a little cry on the Internet? No.

No. This is so stupid, what you're doing right now. Dude, I'm not gay. It's ridiculous.

It's okay.

No, don't do that. Doesn't work. Whatever you're doing doesn't matter. Okay.

No one cares anyway.

You don't have man crushes. Because let me say something right now. I saw at the party last night, dude, I think you do.

On whom.

What?

On whom?

Chris Porter.

That's my man crush you're swinging for. You're really reaching.

I was reaching you for it. Yeah.

Fitzsimmons.

Yeah. You fit some. Have a little man crush.

We just. We just love to. He shits on me. Like, the way we joke is the way you and I joke.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's got great.

He's a great guy.

Great rhythm. He'll talk really good shit. By the way, the barbecue we had last night, AJ's so good.

So good.

My God, dude, that's the one thing I. The problem I have with. Go ahead. No, go ahead.

Here's my problem.

Go ahead.

I'm gonna say my problem now. And what all I wanted to hear my problem.

Say it, baby.

Okay, so it's so funny because that bowling party and Bert's party, there is one common thread. And guess what the common thread is? There was something there at both parties. And I think I know you know what it is.

Oh, yeah?

What is it?

People that don't deserve to be there.

No, no, no, no, no. It's something you consume.

I'm kidding.

Something you consume.

Weed?

No.

Alcohol.

It's a food.

Oh, cake.

Whose cake?

Tom Cruise.

Yes. Bingo.

Tom Cruise cake.

So there's a cake.

Coconut.

It's a coconut cake that Tom Cruise in all the party, he gives it as gifts, apparently. And when he goes to events like weddings and whatnot, he brings his cake. And apparently it's legendary.

Tom Cruise cake.

It's called Tom Cruise Coconut Cake. Okay, so. So when I went to that beef party where I saw Charles, there were six Tom Cruise cakes. And they made an announcement. Tom Cruise cake. They bring that out, right? And I ate it. I'm like, pretty good.

Yeah.

But then Burt brings it out. He goes, you can't believe it. Like, as if it was from Tom Cruise's asshole.

Yeah.

I mean, that. That's the fucking. You know. I mean, the oven.

He does poop.

Yeah.

Yeah, Right?

It was almost as if. And they're like, we got it. Like, it's hard to find, right? So I waited in line like everyone.

Yes, you did.

I was excited.

You were very excited.

Yeah. Yeah. God. I'll get the Tom Cruise kick again. You know what I mean?

But I like the sheet cake better. The sheet cake was better. It was so Good. The sheet cake.

The sheet cake.

The sheet cake was.

Brought it good.

That was so.

That was so good.

But I.

But the Tom Cruise cake is good.

Sure.

Right. But when you're eating it, you're like, if I, If. If I didn't know this was Tom Cruise's cake, would I go, oh, best coconut cake I ever had? No, I don't think so.

No, you go, this is how it tastes. Like coconut. It's a good cake.

Coconut cake.

You ever had coconut cake?

I don't like coconut.

Yeah, yeah.

What if they all have, like, there's a Matt Damon Danish.

Damon Danish, Right.

Like a Damon Danish. Or do you think everyone has one thing?

Yeah, I would, I would love to.

Have a Bobby Lee flan. Like at a party. People like, we got it. Bobby Lee flan.

It'd probably be, what, something else.

What do you mean?

Flan is typically a Mexican.

Yeah. But that's what makes it intriguing. A Korean dude, you know? I mean, you'd be like, the Tom Cruise cake isn't something that he made. He found it, the baker, and he was like, oh, this is my thing.

You think that's good? Wait till you try.

Well, they have a carrot cake there.

That's mine.

Last night. I ate it. It was better than the. I thought the coconut cake.

That's Andrew Santino's carrot cake.

That is. Well, I was going to say it was Bobby Lee's carrot cake.

I'm orange.

Oh, fuck.

That clearly would be my cake.

Oh, yeah. Maybe they have 11 pound cake. I could be. That could be Bobby Lee.

It's much more than 11 pound cake.

What? Lemon pound cake.

Oh, lemon pound. That's you.

Yeah, yeah.

I think you said 11 pound cake. I was like, it's. That's. Come on.

I never said 11 pound cake.

Oh, no, no. The 11 is the number. You need to lose the 11 pound cake. That's what it is.

Okay, okay.

Lemon pound cake. You're right. I'm sorry. Lemon pound cake. That's the Bobby Lee cake. Yeah.

Not 11.

You're kind of more of like a seven layer dip. That's kind of your. That.

They have that there.

That maybe I can claim a seven layer dip cake.

Okay.

Okay. Lemon pound cake. Bobby Lee carrot cake. Andrew Santino.

Yeah, yeah.

What's Rudy?

What would you have?

Can I be a brownie?

That's actually.

We got Rudy. Jules is brownie. And they're like, rudy who? No, they won't do that. I love you.

Yeah, you gotta take a bite.

It's like that, that Was mean.

Take a bite of the ruby juice.

That could be you right there. What? Ube cake.

You're like blood sausage. Take a bite and you know what it tastes like.

What?

A party girl in your mouth when you take a bite of that stuff. Yeah, a party girl in your mouth.

Now, would you eat the cake if it was something that you didn't like?

If it was good?

Yeah. You. I mean, like, this is J.D. vance. You know, croissant.

If it was bomb.

Yeah, maybe like that. What?

You don't know who made that? A real grade A bigot could have made that.

It's really good.

Still delicious.

Delete it.

Yeah.

Oh, what's going on?

Oh, he is.

Come on, sit down.

Dax, get in.

How are you?

Hello. Dax.

Dax. Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Hello, Dex. How'd you feel last Tuesday?

Good.

That was fun. I was nervous, but that was fun.

You did such a great job.

You did a great job, Dax. Feel like you did well, it was.

Hard to tell because it was quite, like, overwhelming. Just like I had never done. Done it in front of that many people, but it was fun.

You killed.

Thank you.

Can we. Can we see some of it before you play that?

Let me. What's your. Did you vote?

Yes.

Okay.

What's your prediction that Kamala Harris will win? When will this come out? Right now.

It's already over when this comes out. It already happened.

Okay.

Yeah. So now that it's now. We're in the future now, right? Trump won.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. Okay. So.

But you're fine.

Yeah.

Look at that.

Look at that.

All right, here we go. Let's watch this tape.

Hey, everyone, I hope you're doing awesome.

Very good so far.

Thank you. Clap your hands if you like the bad friends.

Smart.

I can't hear you. Awesome. I love going to the aquarium. My favorite thing is always just looking at all the jellyfish. But I always just wish there were some peanut butter fish as well. I recently went through breakup. Not my fault, I promise. But basically, she used to get headaches all the time. And she'd get really mad at me because I'd be like, don't worry. It's only in your head. And then she'd be like, no, I really have a headache. And I'd be like, no, literally, it's just in your head.

All right. Honestly, Honestly. So you felt good?

Yeah, it was really fun.

The next step is take it on the road.

Okay. Yeah.

Did you get a lot of good? You get a good response online to people hitting you up in, like, saw the show you did?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. People were like, that's awesome. You performed there because people love that place.

We do.

Yeah.

It is home to us.

And what's. Did you get some badge that night or what?

No.

Was that a yes?

No, I just went and just filmed, like, an outro and then went home right now.

Your friend, unusual guy.

Oh, he's. He's nice.

You're not nice guy. I didn't say he's a nice guy.

Yeah, it was very nice.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just saying that he was, like, a little like you.

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Unique.

Unique, definitely.

Yeah. We need your help with something. So, Rudy, we made a joke on the show, as we do pretty heavily, right? And we made a joke about these girls that Rudy used to hang out with, Right. And it was that it was our fault, but then they punished her by ghosting her and becoming ex friends because of something we joked about.

Oh, wow.

She needs help getting these friends back in her life.

Okay.

We've tried to apologize. I don't. I don't even know if we did a good job.

I don't think so.

But I think you can. Can you offer advice to her on how to get these friends back in her life?

Did you already look into the camera and say what you want to say to them? Like a. Like, not a. I guess they don't need an apology, but maybe just an explanation, right?

Yeah, no, I sent, like, a whole letter, like, a long letter to them, and they still never.

Well, maybe they're not the right friends. Or if you do want to still be friends with them, you can just say. Say it to the camera.

Well, I mean, here's. Here's the thing. I think maybe it'd be great if you. You kind of told her what to say and then she could say it.

Like, what to text.

Yeah. So why don't you look in the.

Why don't you pretend like you're her and, like.

And then maybe she can just get something from the way you just rehearse it or something.

You know, why don't you look in the camera?

Look in this camera and go. And go, dear friends or whatever.

Hey, guys, what they say I'm not responsible for. I just are. Am friends with them or whatever and go on their podcasts every week and stuff and just. I can't be held responsible for that kind of thing. And let's just hang out and let's.

Ask for their friendship back, and can.

You just please come on and hang out with me?

And here's why and here's why.

I have a lot to offer. I'm very friendly. I. We've had a lot of fun times together. And actually, I might even introduce you to them sometime, and y'all could discuss your differences, and I'd love to have y'all on the show to hash it out.

And I'll tell you what.

And I tell you what, if you do that, you're gonna have a heck of a time, because we maybe will go to Six Flags afterward, or we could even.

Or we can even go to the.

Bowling alley or party and I could teach.

Oh, sensitive words.

Yeah. No. Or listen. Or I could teach you a new language, like.

Or I could teach you the new language, like, any that you want to know that I know.

And, like, I'll give you an example.

Of my English.

But the other one.

The other one Spanish. And.

But here's a little sample.

Hola.

Yeah.

May I? Rudy. Hero 2.

Yep.

Hero 2. Or Gusto 2. Megusta 2.

Yeah, yeah.

I like you. E. Mi amigos.

Yeah.

Es mal. Mal amigos.

Also, I know some Japanese and.

Konnichiwa.

Yeah.

Tagalog. Tagalog. My language.

Oh, okay.

Tag.

What is it? How do you say it?

Tagalog.

Tagalog.

Tagalog.

Tagalog.

Oh, I will teach you that.

Okay.

And let's hear some of that.

Just make it up.

Tagalog.

I love Tagalog. Yeah. Yeah.

Tagalog.

I love Tagalog.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And I think you will, too.

What does it sound like? Tagalog.

Yeah, yeah, like Spanish.

Let's hear some of it, dude.

Yeah, I don't know.

He. Hi. All right. That's a good letter. I mean, did you grab anything from that, Rudy? Yeah, I mean, I feel like you.

Learned, so I think you did it, dude. I think you really did it, dude.

That's. What's. What's going on in your personal life? You got any good news? You got any. Anything coming up? Any. Any. What's going on? Nothing.

I'm always just kind of making videos, and that's about it. Yeah. Yeah, I like that.

I. We love it. I watch them literally every week. Everything you put up, I watch. I really enjoy it. What do you. What's your.

What's.

Do you have any goals in life that you're looking forward to?

Well, I guess I enjoyed doing, like, stand up in front of a real crowd outside of an open mic, and then just maybe doing more stand up and maybe just more videos continuing, like, maybe dating stuff and maybe.

Oh, yeah. Are you dating Anybody now?

No. Not at all.

Not even a little bit?

No.

There's no prospects either.

No.

Is there a way we.

Do you have sexual urges?

Okay.

Too much?

Yeah.

Yeah. Can I retract?

Yeah.

And then do you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Okay.

Is there a way we could help facilitate, Maybe you meeting somebody?

Not that I know of.

Why? We're good women. We're good women.

Oh, maybe giving me just advice.

We're good wingmen.

Oh, like going to a bar? Kind of.

Yeah. Yeah, we can go to a bar.

We don't need to go to a bar. We. There's a ton of places we can go. We go to a bowling alley. We could go. We go for a hike. We can see. We can see babes on a hike.

And what would you do to get.

Women to notice you if you were.

On a hike and saw someone?

Well, if we saw a couple of girls, we'd say, hello. Do either of you know who we are? And if they said no, we would move on.

No, no, no.

Yeah. I'd walk right away. And if I found a new group of girls and I said, hi, do you know who we are? And they go, yes, we know. Bad friends. I said, fantastic. Or, we like you to meet my.

This is what I would do. This is what I would do on a hike. I'll connect. Khmer.

Yeah, here's. Let me do you for on a hike. Guys, Guys. Okay, go. Go ahead. Go ahead. You see? Fuck. Don't throw up on the show I'm about to do. Please don't. Are you gonna.

No.

All right.

So anyway, you see a couple girls. No. What I would do is I'd hide you off the trail.

No, that's smart. Yeah. Hiding on a trail. A hike. Trail that girls love that you're not.

I'm not done, dude.

I know.

I go up to a girl, go, oh, my God, My baby just got attacked by a fucking mountain lion. Carlos, right?

Smart.

And they're like, well, yeah. Yeah, The m. Line is gone, but can you help?

Where's the baby?

Come over here. They follow me, right? And then you're on the ground, right?

Like as if I'm your son.

Yeah, you are my son. You're my baby.

Okay.

And your arms hurt.

Okay, so do it.

Like. Yeah. I go, are you okay, baby?

I need help.

Yeah. But then once you say that, I'm gone. Now just you and the kid.

Now it's you and me. What happened to you, baby boy?

Just fell while hiking.

Oh, God. Does it hurt?

Yeah.

Do you want me to Kiss it.

Oh. There was a mountain lion that knocked me over.

There was a mountain lion that did this to you?

Yep. Yep.

Are you okay?

I think I need help.

Would you want to come back to my house? And I have. I have an ice pack at my house.

Yeah, for sure.

You'd like to do that? You would?

Now that we're at the house. Hey, lay down, lay down, lay down.

You look hurt. This is my roommate.

Hi, I'm Sabrina.

She sings everything.

I sing everything.

She has to. She has a mental.

Anyway, I gotta go to work.

Stay with here with this baby that I found on the trail.

Oh, I want to give him a blowjob.

Do you want a blowjob?

I'm interested in you. Yeah? Yeah.

Mix signals.

Wait a minute. Do you want a blowjob from me or my roommate? Or both of us?

I don't know.

Well, think about it.

Think about it. I gotta go to work.

Who wants two more?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Me.

Let's flip a coin.

Okay.

Okay. Heads.

You won. Give him head.

Here we go.

Can I watch?

She loves to trick off while I get blow jobs.

Okay.

Can I watch?

Sure.

Okay, cool. Oh, my God. Sorry. She has to eat a meal first before she gives you a blowjob.

I'm eating a breakfast burrito. Let me. Can I finish my breakfast?

She always eats breakfast burritos before she gives head. That's like her thing.

Sausage.

And the sriracha will burn on your penis. It's on her lips. Okay. All right, she's ready now.

Give me the orange juice.

Pull out your penis. Dax.

Vitamin C. You need it before you get some vitamin D. Here I go. I do little kisses on the thighs first. I like to announce everything I'm doing.

Oh, man. What do you think, bud?

I'm coming up. I'm coming up. I'm coming up.

Oh, here she comes.

I do a train. I'm by the little. The twin mountains.

Uh. Oh, there they are.

There they are.

The rocky.

The rocky, hairy mountain. Oh, and I'm going up the mountain, the main mountain.

Ooh, that one's steep.

Well, there's a white snow tip.

Look at snow cap.

Snow cap, snow cap. Does it feel good?

Yes, thanks.

Yeah. Yeah. If he said that, I would stop.

Yeah. You'd have to watch.

Yeah. Yeah, I think I would be watching. So pretty good, right?

But I guess we're gonna do that. We'll take you on a hike and we'll try to get girls that way.

Okay.

That sound good?

Yeah.

Any girl that's out There, our very funny and attractive cool friend Dax is open and available. So send him a dm then we'll see what you can get.

And would I. In that scenario, you don't have to.

Do any of that. You just kind of talk to them. Like people.

Yeah, maybe. Like. Maybe not talk so much.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Like, always say yes. So anytime a girl goes, can I give you fellatio? Don't hesitate.

And they'll never say that word. They'll never use the word fellatio. You'll never hear that. Don't be listening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They'll say anything.

Like, what if I'm English?

Can I give you fellatio? Can I give you Felicia, mate?

What would they say then?

Can I suck your car?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I give you a head?

Yeah, but just don't deny it. Just go, yes, immediately. You know? I mean, yeah. And then also anybody, really, if anybody asks.

If Fancy asks McOne.

Yeah. And if somebody asks you it. Does it feel good? What'd you say?

Yes.

No, maybe not just thumbs up, maybe.

How about this? Say, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. See that?

Ready? Does that feel good?

Oh, yeah.

Honestly, dude, that's.

I gotta try it again.

Yeah, do it again. Be real, dude.

Hey, does that feel good?

Oh, yeah.

No, no, you can't laugh at her like, oh, yeah.

That's how you would say it.

Yeah, like the Kool Aid, man.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Kool Aid.

Okay, here we go. Ready? Oh, yeah. Does that feel good, Dax?

Oh, yeah, the better.

Do you like how that feels?

Mm.

You're shy, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you know what they love? You know what they love when they're. Pat them on the head. So say, oh, yeah. And then pat them. Pat her on the head. Does that feel good?

Pat the head.

Oh, yeah.

I'm interested.

I mean, I love you, Dax.

Yeah? Yeah.

Is Dax fucking best?

Is Dax a noise, you think?

What noises?

No, like a come noise. I ask him, do you make come noises?

I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't know?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, good.

That's what Bob does. Tell him.

What do you tell him? What?

Your noise.

What do you mean?

Do your noise for him, all right? Make him feel comfortable. Is that really it?

Not really, no. You want me to real?

Yeah.

Don't let. Dude, I sort of. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Stop fucking around right now, dude.

Okay.

Yeah, it's really. Is a serious.

I'm being intimate right now, and I'm being real.

He is.

You're laughing at my soul.

Yeah, you're cackling at him.

You're cackling at me. Okay, okay. So just look at me.

Yeah.

So you're doing it again, dude. You're smiling, you're stacked.

Actually gotta watch.

You gotta look at me. Oh.

Dax is. Dad, you're on a date.

You do it.

No, I think.

I think you should. You're great.

Gotta finish with his.

His acting is much better. So go ahead, Go ahead. Yeah, yeah, look at him.

Don't look away.

Don't. Yeah, don't look away, dude.

Oh, Dax, Dax, you're ruining the moment.

Yeah. Anyway, we love you so much, bud.

You're the great.

We just. When we do dates on the. In. In the States, we're going to bring you on 100% some of these shows.

And we should do a Dax dating show.

I think we should. Yeah. Yeah.

Would you like that or no?

I could step out of my comfort zone and try it.

I would love that.

Yeah, I'd love to.

Because I want to find you here. Of all jokes we make on this show. Yeah, I do. Would love to find you love. Because you're a rad dude. I think you deserve somebody fucking cool. You're so fucking sweet and cool.

You're a sweet guy.

Can we. I would love to find someone for you if you'll let us help. If you don't want our help, fine. Say fuck you guys. Say that right now. Say fuck you guys.

I would accept your help.

Okay, great. I think we should do it.

I think we should do it.

We'll do a DAX dating show. And by the way, if there's girls out there right now that are like, I would love to be at least on a zoom, you know, to hit up Carlos in the booth at gmail dot com, that's going to get you submittals. I think we should take submittals right now. Carlosintheboothmail.com Girls that want to be on the Dax dating show, we'll have them back. We either zoom you in. I will zoom you in. We'll zoom you in. Or if you live in Southern California, maybe we'll link you guys up somehow. And then the winner we're going to send to a very nice dinner date that we'll pay for. We'll pay for a dinner. We'll pay for a night in a hotel, whether you use it or not. Okay? We'll pay for a car service. You know what we'll do? We'll even get you a tux.

Okay?

We'll get you all dressed up for the date. Does that sound good? Oh, yeah, I think it's a good idea.

Seems like a weird first date thing.

No, that's what all the cool guys.

All the cool guys do it.

That's what every cool guy does.

Yeah. Yeah. You think we're cool? We do it.

We tux.

We tucks it out.

We got a tux.

Yeah. Yeah.

What would be more impressive, Rudy, when a guy shows up on a first date, than a tux? I mean, normal clothes for you. Well, for you, but you're not right for.

Yeah, you're not right.

That's the point.

Yeah. You're basic. Every good way.

Every first date I've ever been on, I tucked up.

When you say car service, do you mean limo?

Yeah. What do we think we mean now?

When you say limo, what do you mean?

Yeah, what do you mean?

Limbo.

Do you mean like a stretch limousine?

Yeah, yeah.

When we see. When we say limo, we mean white van.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. That's what we mean.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's like a windowless van.

A windowless van.

Now, when you say limo, do you think people still get stretch limousines around town?

I guess not really, but they don't. Okay.

Yeah. No one does. Yeah, they haven't made them in 36 years. But I do think we'll get you a town car.

Okay.

How about that?

Is that one of the, like, black SUVs?

A town car is just a black sedan. Okay, how about this? Do you want us to get you a limo service for the night? A stretch. I'll get you a fucking stretch limousine.

A prom.

Prom. Yeah, prom one.

I don't specifically.

No, it sounds like you want one. He was a little demanding. He did say, do I get a limo? So that's what you want? The white, long.

Oh, the black one.

What do you like? Long black limo or long white?

Or we can do like, a penguin thing where it's, like, purple. Are you Peck? You know what? It would be great if we dressed you like the penguin. Like the. The cartoon version with the. With the top hat, black tuxedo.

You mean Cobblepot?

The Cobblepot. Purple. Right. We could be minions or, you know, love to. We'd love to do a minion thing.

Can we be involved?

Yeah. Will we open the door for you and your date? You mean we have. You know, I could be Harley Quinn. I don't know.

So.

Yeah. Who do you think? Poison Ivy.

Poison Ivy?

Yeah, you.

I think Catwoman.

Sandman.

Sandman? Yeah.

Sandman. That's not even in the thing. No.

Yeah. Doesn't matter.

You know, I know I need to know.

I'll be the riddler.

Okay. I'll really.

No, you know What? I'll be Mr. Freeze.

Yeah, be Mr. Freeze.

Perfect. Well, this sounds good. Does this sound good to you, Jules?

You can be Bane. Yeah, yeah, perfect. The perfect.

Well, let's wrap up the show the right way. Dax, if you have one, and I think you do, can you end the show with a joke on camera? A new joke that you've got a new one? Yeah. You can do an old one.

Can I pull out my phone a hundred percent?

Yeah, I'd rather you do that. I mean, I don't expect you to memorize all that stuff, but I'd love you to end the show with a new joke.

I've been getting fast food too much lately.

You know what? I could stop for a second. I'm so sorry. I love your jokes. Right. But I think a better exercise is to just come up with something improvised. Okay, but can we give you a topic?

Can I hear the premise though, at least? I was actually interested.

Okay, go ahead.

Go ahead.

Oh, okay. So whenever I go through fast food places, they're always like, thanks so much. You know, enjoy your meal. And then I say, you too. But I'm the one eating the meal, not them.

It's that. It's a Brian Regan joke.

Oh, I was. Existed already. I didn't mean.

It does.

Yeah, let's twerk it.

Let's twerk it.

How about this? How about this?

Yeah.

Whenever I go to fast food restaurants, a lot of times on the drive thru, they'll say, enjoy your meal. You know how hard it is for me to tell them it's. You know how hard it is for me to not tell them to go fuck themselves?

I think something about.

Let's hear that. Let's hear.

Okay, I have one.

Let's. Let's hear you say that. Ready?

I've been getting fast food a lot lately, and every time I go through, they say, enjoy your meal. You know how hard it is for me to not tell them to themselves?

Perfect.

Or something arbitrary. Yeah, I think something arbitrary and weird. Because he's a weird guy, right?

Yeah.

So it's like, enjoy your meal. He's. They say. And you go, alley. Oop. Go pro.

Ali. Go pro. All the way.

All the way. Aliyab. GoPro all the way. So try that.

And the joke is that it's like just a funny, random thing.

No, it'll make sense when it makes.

Sense when you say it. Yeah.

I've been getting fast food way too much lately.

Yeah.

Every time I go, they're like, enjoy your meal. And I say, lube. GoPro all the way. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Do it again with the BB again. Thank you. And do it. Try to do the best English accent you can.

Alley go pro all the way. Beep, beep. It's got to be British.

It's got to be British. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been getting fast food way too much lately. Every time I go through the drive through, though, they're like, enjoy your meal. And I say, ali go pro all the way. Beep, beep.

And we wrote a joke.

We just wrote a joke.

And that's very good.

Very good.

All right, let's hear the other one. That's not a premise.

Oh, that was the one. That was not a premise. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was my fault.

Premise would be like. Like, I think my phone is listening to me. And then something funny or like something about red flags or something.

So I think my phone is listening to me.

Yeah.

And from what I know, they're made in China.

Yeah.

So I know they can't see me.

And what does that mean?

If these phones are really made in China, how come the front facing camera lens is very round?

Yeah, that's very good. Now I see where you're going.

Right, Correct. Yeah, yeah. And we're riffing here, by the way.

Yeah, we're just riffing. Right, Right.

I think my phone is listening to me. Boy, I hope it doesn't. I hope it doesn't hear me when I'm. When I'm what?

Fucking myself.

Myself. Let's hear you say that.

Yeah, I. I think my phone is listening to me. I hope it doesn't hear me when I'm fucking myself.

Yeah, it doesn't sound right.

Doesn't sound right because I think you're rushing the punch.

You're rushing. Okay.

Yeah.

And how about this? You know, I think my phone is listening to me. Thank God it's not watching me because when I'm looking at it, I'm usually jerking on my ding dong. You say that.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. The beep beep has to be there.

Yeah, it's got to be.

It's got to be there.

I think my phone is listening to me. Thank God it's not watching me because when I'm looking at it, I'm usually jerking on my ding dong. Beep, beep.

Every time I'm looking at my phone.

I think my phone's listening to me.

Okay. I. I think my phone's listening to me. Wait. I think my phone's listening to me. Thanks. Thank God it's not watching me.

Mm.

I think my phone's listening to me. Thank God it's not watching me, because every time I'm looking at it, I'm usually just look. Jacking off, jerking on my ding dong. Beep, beep.

Exactly. That was perfect.

Perfect, dude.

It's perfect.

Dude, I think we got a new joke.

Yeah, so write that down.

Every time I'm looking at it, I'm jerking off my ding dong. Beep beep. Yeah. By the way.

All the way.

Remember that if you do a series of jokes that end with beep beep, it will.

Yeah. Beep beep is your.

That's your calling.

Like a catchphrase.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, Dax, will you look in that camera and say thanks for being a bad friend?

Thanks for being a bad friend.

Right.

Love you, dude.