Transcript of Egg Nogging

This episode of Bad Friends is presented and fueled by Huel, your go-to for complete nutrition.

Try Huel with 15% off today using code badfrenz@my. Huel. Com/badfrenz. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends.

Oh, you have cookies in there?

Oh, my God. Oh, shit. We have chocolate nuggets here, dude. Oh, no, you- We're all from Trader Joe's, dude.

Is that from teachers? Pass that 10, play up. Pass at 10, play boy.

One of our favorite traditions is hearing Bobby chewing on the mic.

Jingle, jangle. Fun mix of favorite candy treat. Welcome to a-Let it rip today, dude.

Let it rip. I'm ready for it. I agree. I'm so depressed. I get so depressed during the holidays. I can't even... It's a deep depression. You don't get depressed? You I love it.

I stay depressed, dude. Let's see if this will make it over the crack.

December first is when it starts. No.

December first, you get depressed?

All the way until January fifth.

What happens on January fifth? Because the next day is our holiday.

Three kims. What? Three kims. The three kinks happen. Three kinks. What's three kinks? What is it? Let's start good. Let's not start like that. But you get real depressed. Depressed. Oh, yeah. I could tell, dude. Your face gets all red and all depressed.

I had a massage today. The woman said, Is there anywhere I'm not allowed to touch? Really? I thought about you.

There There's some areas that you don't touch.

I said, I don't like my face.

I don't like my Achilles heel being touched. I don't want that damaged at all, though. Didn't that happen to Troy? Who did that happen to? Who's Troy?

Helen of Troy?

What? Achilles. Achilles.

Oh, Achilles, yeah.

What?

Achilles.

His name is not Troy? No. In Troy. In Troy. Oh, that's what it is. Here we go.

The Greek hero Achilles' only vulnerable spot was his heel. Left untouched until his mother dipped him in the river, Sticks, as in, after the band, Sticks, gets their name from.

Well, that's everyone's vulnerable spot.

Their heel?

Well, mine's the Taint. Mine goes the Taint.

Taint?

It's so vulnerable, my Taint. Tickly Wickly. I know, but there's probably a layer of skin that's not There's something about the taint, that area.

Do you know what the taint is?

No. Can you guess what a taint is? It's on your body. I'm guessing on your feet. No. Well, some of mine is on my feet. Mine just stretches down to my feet. Is it on the vagina?

No. It's the area between your balls and your butt hole.

Or your vag and the butt hole.

The taint is a Voltaire flying.

That little skin.

Yeah, that little gap. Not little. Some people have Huge change. I hate the way this is starting. All right.

Let's switch it. It's not holiday spirit. No, I don't like the way that's starting either, dude. Let's start new. Let's start over. Chink-o Bell, Jingo Bell, Jingo Bell.

All this the way. Oh, what fun. It's to ride one hole of punch rate. Hey. Jingo Bell, Jingo Bell.

.

Dude, Asian Santa at the mall? Dude, See the on my rapper. Have you been a good boy?

There's no chimneys in Japan. Are there chimneys in Japan?

100% there's chimneys in Japan. What are you talking about? There's got it.

How did Santa get in there?

Not only, yes, there are chimneys in Japan. They're not commonly seen. Because a lot of times you see in the city, it's all buildings. It's all high rises.

I grew up in a high rise in the city when I was a kid.

I grew up in apartment building and I said to my mom, How does Santa even get in here? We don't have a chimney. She goes, He comes through the front door. I thought, What an invasive thing to do.

Because the reason why Hiroshima, Nagasaki, it was so devastating is because the houses... No, before the bombs, you know what they did? Firebombs. Yeah. Why was that so-Warning shots.

No, that's not why.

Why was firebombs so detrimental in those Japanese cities back then?

Teach me, Mr. Noeudal.

Wood. Their houses made of rice paper and wood.

Bamboo.

No, really? Yeah.

What? I know.

Yeah. Why didn't you answer it the first time then?

Because I wanted you to say it. I don't think you knew. Most Japanese cities were built highly flammable materials like wood and paper. Yeah. Extremely vulnerable to large-scale fires when bombed, resulting in massive civilian casualties, widespread destruction of infrastructure, significant impact on morale. Yeah, you'd think. If your If your house burned down, that would bum you out a little bit.

It was devastating back then. You weren't even there. I was there, definitely. You were? Yeah. I was a baby. You were a baby in Japan? It was so devastating. Japan-i crawled to Korea.

You did? Yeah, dude. It's a long crawl.

I know, dude. I swam.

You did?

Yeah.

Devastating. Devastating. That's devastating. Well, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you. We can say Merry Christmas now because Trump is President. We're allowed to go back.

Oh, yeah. Thank God. Whatever happened to Kwanza? It's still a fun. Is that a thing? Have you heard of Kwanza?

December 26, dude. Kwanza. They've got a Hanicle like candles, right? How many candles are there? Let me see the Kwanza. There's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Seven? Yeah. It's eight for Hanica, right?

Look at the black one in the middle. What does that mean?

Look at those guys on the outside, fighting them. Keeping them down, keeping the man down. The seven candles in the kinara symbolize the seven principles of Kwanza. What are the seven principles of Kwanza? I'd like to know. I can guess.

Thou shalt not do incest. No. No, we want that.

All right, hold on here. Umoja. Umoja means unity in Swahili. Strive to maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race. Say that one. Go ahead, Rudy. Kujichagulia. Kujichagulia. This principle refers to naming, creating, and speaking for oneself. Self determination.

O'jama.

O'jima. Well, these sound Korean. O'jima.

Nia.

Oujima Nia.

Kumba.

Kumba. Imani. Imani. I met a girl named Umani in college.

Was she black?

No. Oh, fuck. Yeah, of course she was. It's a miracle. Yeah. Faith. Community, faith. This is all the same thing. This is nice. I think we should celebrate Kwanza this year.

I have eggnog. See, I think that's what it is.

You need eggnog?

No, I think that you coming in with your Christmas vibes, Macone, has rattled me.

I love Christmas. Give him some eggnog.

Give me some eggnog.

Have you ever had eggnog? Yeah. Wait, seriously? They don't have that in the Philippines, huh? I haven't even built a gingerbread house. Well, you can take that home and build it. That was a gift from us to you.Thank you.And you can eat it when you're done.

This is a Dave Vatel joke. You know what eggnog is? Elfcom.

Yeah, I love that.

It's just milk?

No. I don't know. No, it's eggnog.

It's eggnog. It's something different. It's yellow. Thick. Yeah, there we go. Thank you. Give some for Jules.

Yeah, give some for Jules. You want some? No, thank you.

A really good eggnog. You like it?

Real good. Give me the carton.

Yeah. Give me the carton. You're going to love it.

You are going to love it. Hold on, get out of the way while she drinks it. Do it again.

I like this. You do? It's really good, right?

It's really sweet. It's sweet. You want to know what's in it?

Yeah.

Milk cream sugar, eggnog base, which is sugar, egg, jokes, and natural flavors, nutmeg, turmeric, citric acid, not milk, salt.Cinimen.Cinimen's got to be.Cinimen, stabilizers, gwar gum, carrageine, and then locust bean gum from locusts.

You know because locusts have big mouths. Big mouths. And they have big gums.

Look at that. There it is. Yeah. Loquus bean gum.

Those are their mouths.

Those are their mouths. So you're eating a locus right now. It tastes… It tastes good. It tastes good. Yeah. It tastes good. Yeah. It's like, Coach your mouth a little too thick for me.

Yeah, there is a cummy. Let me see your tongue. It's like a cummy vibe.

Yeah, it's coded.

It's like, You don't want to do this at Christmas dinner.

Will you do me a favor? Macone, why don't you come Dito Wabi.Dicious. You don't want me.Delicious..

You don't want to do that at Christmas dinner?

No, not at the dinner.

Especially if there's gays there. Or anywhere. Because when the gays are there, they get fucking crazy. Where's Carlos?

Carlos is in Texas, I think. Yeah, Merry Christmas.

This is my gift to you guys.

Yeah, that's actually nice that he's gone. Do you miss him?

Kind of.

Yeah? He's in Texas. I rewatched a TV show last night, and I think it's one of the greatest shows that no one's watched. What is it?

It's called Kingdom.

Oh, this is the MMA show? No.

It's a Korean show on Netflix called Kingdom. Have you seen it? Not yet. It's the greatest show. I've seen it twice now. There's two seasons. It's so fucking good and nobody watches it.

Well, someone must. They're on a second or third season, right?

Yeah, they did two seasons, and then a movie based on Kingdom. It's so fucking good. Oh, God. I can't talk to anybody about it. Do they have white people in it? No, it's all Koreans. Oh, my God.

Does it I have white people, Lenny? Yeah.

Can I just tell you what it's about?

Yeah, of course.

It's ancient Korea.

I'm already out.

That's what I mean.

If there's anything ancient, it's got to be China. We can only see ancient Chinese shit.

It's ancient Korea, right? It's like a Game of Thrones-y a show where there's like, What's all going on? Game of Thrones. Yeah, the guy is pitching us. I was like, Imagine Game of Thrones.

Yeah, but are you saying singular? No, Game of Thrones.

All of them.

Too many thrones.

Or everyone.

Every thrones.

Everybody. You know what I mean? They go, Okay. They're like, And then? But then you know Walking Dead.

Oh, Walking Dead. Walking Dead. But it's walk, walking dead.

You know how they're... The zombie.

The fried Walking Dead.

The fried Walking Dead. Yeah. You can sell walks.Okay. You can walk.Perfect. In the show, it's like product placement.

Product placement.

Okay.

What is your show about?

Okay, so ancient Korea. Got it. Game of Thrones. Got it. Walking Dead. Got it. Put it together. Yeah, we are Kingdom.

We'll buy it. Yeah. That does sound like that's how it got sold in the room. Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, set in ancient Korea.

Okay, so I'll get That's a good pitch. I'll give you the premise. Yeah. There's a king. He's an Emperor.

Okay. Let me guess. Is it set during the Josan dynasty?

Yes. How'd you know? How'd you know? How'd you know?

Pretty good guess, I guess. All right.

He remarried and the queen is a concumine, one of his concumine.

Oh, this must have been taking place during the Imjan War. Is that true or no?

How do you know that?

I know a little bit Korean history.

Seriously, you saw the show?

In the 17th century? No, I know a little bit of Korean history. Keep going, please. Talk to me. But I know some of those things.

Okay, anyway.

Is it based on real people? Like Li Chang? Yeah. It follows Li Chang.

Shut the fuck up, dude. Shut the fuck up, dude. What? Shut the fuck up. Did you see it?

Okay. Anyway, let me finish. I know Li Chang is the Crown person. How the fuck you know that? What do you mean? I know some ancient-Oh, you're idiot. No. Are you reading it? No. Yeah, you're reading it. No, I'm not.

All right. Anyway, stop reading it. All right. Let me pitch it to you. Okay. Listen, Jules. All right. Okay. All right. This concumine, she's young and she's pregnant. He's a super old Emperor. But he already had a son. He's a good guy.

His son is a good guy.

Yeah. When the king dies, the Emperor dies, his son is going to become Emperor, but the concumine is like, I'm pregnant.

Oh, and I have the If my baby gets born, right?

I love this. Then the Emperor is dying. He's so old. There's an herb out in the mountains. There's worms attached to this herb. When you eat the herb, the worms turn into these fucking worms and they attack your brain, you turn into a zombie. She's trying to prolong the king's life because he's dying. She feeds him this flower. He stays alive until she gives birth. Because if he dies, then he's automatically the Emperor, this other son.What?This is wild. No, I'm not even kidding. I feel like you don't like it. I love it. Yeah, right?

I thought it was going to go a different way. No, no, no.

The Emperor's oldest son is going… He knows that his dad's sick. He's already dead, but he's a zombie, and he's locked up in his fortress.

But he's technically still alive.

He's technically still alive, but the bitch, Conqueringent, isn't really even pregnant. She She puts a thing in there to pretend. She's on the side gathering women all over that are pregnant and seeing if they're males. She's trying to find- To steal the baby. Steal a baby. Then what happens is the Emperor, he's in the fortress, and there's a little servant who feeds him like humans, flesh. But the boy gets bitten.

He turns into a zombie.

Yeah, but he dies. Some people don't turn into zombie. He just died. But what happens is the doctor brings him to a different town to just do an autopsy. But that town is so hungry that one of the villagers chops him, the boy's carcass up and feeds it to the villagers.

I can see why people didn't watch this.

Then the villagers... Dude, I know. Okay, can I just say this? It's too much. No. Okay, there's Anyone will listen, the first episode, the very end scene, watch it. It is incredible.

I'll say this. It sounds good. It went a little too wonky-donky. Here's what it should have been. She's pregnant. She's actually- It shows It was a hit.

What are you talking about? If they did two seasons, you can't rewrite it?

I'm rewriting it. Okay. All right. It wasn't a hit. You just said it lasted two, and then they killed it and no one watched it. You started this off by saying, Nobody watched this fucking show. So clearly, it wasn't a hit. It wasn't a hit. Here's how it would have been great. Take it out of the fantasy world of zombies. Just make it so that she's pregnant and there is a team of people who are trying to kill her so this baby doesn't get born so that this other next to kin gets the kingdom. It's a war of trying to kill this woman to get this baby out of her so she's not carrying the next king.

No.

I love that. Better than eating a worm in the brain and they keep them and the zombie and it bites the boy.

No, but these villages that eat.

I don't like zombies. You know I don't.

Oh, you I don't like zombies. Can I ask you about zombies?

Zombres doesn't do it for me.

I have a thought about zombies. You like zombies? I like zombies. Okay. If you watch any... Have we talked about zombies before on the show?

Probably. We love zombies. We like zombies.

Have you thought... We'll call him Listen, okay? You're a director.

So rude to do that with Andres right there. I know.

When you see Walking Dead or anything, you don't like talking about this? No, I want to hear it.

You did a sigh. I'm just fat right now. You look great. No, brother. I lit the mirror this morning, 205, 206, I think it was yesterday. Fattie, fattie, pattie, wattie. Fattie, pattie, wagon. I was just eating bullshit. When I watched the Walking Dead, what?

You see average zombies.

You mean looks-wise?

They're essentially average people who turn it into average zombies. They're all wearing a workman's jacket.

Just regular people.

La5. But you never see dwarf zombie. You never see No, Brad will. You never see a spinal bif of the zombie. You know what I mean? You never see 600 pounds zombie just in a bed. Why not? He's eating deep fried brains or whatever. You know what I mean? Why? Why is that? I don't know why. You got a You mix it up. It's always like… Well, have you seen The Last of Us? There's different kinds of zombies. But those are mushroom zombies. No, what I'm talking… Is that what you're saying? Yeah. No, what I'm saying is… People turning into a mushroom zombie. I'm not talking about what happened to their… You know what I mean? If they're OCD or whatever.

You got to put that into it. Why isn't their autistic-It's just a zombie walking over a crack 15 times.

You know what I mean? He loses the OCD when he becomes a zombie. You know what I mean? Or the racism. You know what I mean? Racist zombies. Yeah, the zombies are just going for the black guy. They were like fucking KKK. They turned zombie. You never... Who they were, the essence of who they were, are gone?

There's no autistic zombies.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

It's a bunch of zombies by a train track, just eating people by train tracks all day? Immobile zombies?

It's always the same.

There are fat zombies in touch of the dead.

Oh, fat zombies.

But that's the first time. The Walking Dead, No Man's Land. Fat walkers are particularly dangerous and they can tank more. Right. Tank more dead than a normal walker. Yeah, I guess there is. There's a few. But what you're saying is there needs to be more DEI in the zombie world.

Yeah, like MMA zombie. Right. Putting in an arm lock, but by... You know what I mean? Just like their old self.

More of that.

But I want to see dwarfs.

Lp zombies. Lp Zs.

Yeah, and you just kick them. They land on their back. They have just little legs that can't get back up. They're just going… Do you ever think about stuff like that?

Every day of my life.

Like, vampire. Where are they? Where's the A 600-pound vampire that drinks too much blood? He drinks way too much, and his buddies are going, Dude, it's too much.

Yeah, your blood sugar levels.

You just killed a giraffe.

Your blood sugar levels are through the roof.

That's what I'm saying.

Like a vampire with diabetes.

Yeah, they never have that.

No, they should. I don't know why. Well, one would assume it's because they're dead. They don't have to fucking adhere to any rule, so they're going to stay the same shape and size. Do you imagine when you die, will this be the body that you embody in the afterlife, or do you think you get a DraftKings Sportsbook. It's the most wonderful time of the year. For getting in on all the hoops, football and hockey action at DraftKings Sportsbook. Right now, it's a season of giving, and we're being gifted college football and basketball, pro football and Basketball, Baby. And pro hockey, too, almost 24/7.

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Okay, so this is what I was thinking, my friend. That's a very good question.

Yeah, do you get a new body?

I was watching 600 Pound Life the other day.

Love.

It was one of my favorite shows. A lot of them, they just die fat, which is bad. I feel bad. Awful. Awful. But when they get to heaven, are they 600 pounds up there?

Do they get a new shell?

Or do they just fall immediately through the sky? They die in there and they fall Because you're up there. Too heavy for the clouds. Or he's trying to get through the curly gates, and he kick it in.

Dude, so funny. What? Too fat for the curly gates.

Too fat for the curly gates.

Imagine.

You never think that.

What's his name? St. Peter? Who's at the gate? Yeah, St Peter. Imagine St Peter is like, buddy.

Buddy, yeah. Go back down.

Walk a couple of laps around the clouds. Come on back. You're never going to make it.

You're never going to make it.

My buddy Zack's got a great joke. I'm going to tell his joke about hell. Have I told you this? I told you in the car in Australia. Yeah, tell me about it. The guy says, this guy goes to hell, right? And he gets down there and it's okay. It's not that bad. And then Hitler, the devil comes up to him and goes, Hey, how are you liking it? He's like, Honestly, that's... I mean, it's okay. He goes, All right, right on. He's like, You like pizza? He's like, Yeah, I love pizza. He's like, Oh, dude, you are going to love Mondays. Mondays, we have a brick oven pizza right back there. We use the flames and we all get pizza. We eat all night and drink beer. It's awesome. He's like, You like tacos? Yeah. He says, Yeah, I love tacos. Dude, you're going to love Tuesday. On Tuesday, we all have tacos. We gather around together, we drink beer and eat tacos. It's incredible. Yeah. All right? And he says- You like Wednesday?

Okay. No. That's how it goes. He says, Please, I like it better that way.

He says, Do you like anal sex with men?

Yeah.

And he goes, No. He goes, You're going to hate Wednesday. Did you guys put up Christmas lights when you were a kid on your house?

Bro, what are you talking about?

I just asked you a legitimate question.

One morning, my dad goes, wakes me up. Merry Christmas. I go, Okay. He goes, He gave me 200 bucks.

That was Christmas?

It gets worse. It was July.

Is that Korean Christmas in July? Yeah.

They don't know anything about.

You never did any decoration?

My parents knew nothing about any holiday.

You didn't get a tree ever?

No. We had a tree when I was eight, and I kid you not. This is not even a joke. That tree stayed in my house for seven years. No. Yeah. The pines had fallen off, and my mom would put squid on it, the branches, to dry the squid.

Well, it is a nice way to dry out the squid, and it gets a nice little.

I swear to God. That's not even a joke.

What is Christmas in Korea? What is it like? Let's see what it's like down there for Koreans.

Yeah, tell me.

They do. It's considered a national holiday in Korea. Most employees have a day off from work.

Can you look this up later? I mean, whatever. When that was a thing. I don't think it was like that when my parents grew up. Well, right. I think my parents, because when they came to America in the 1960s, they knew nothing about it.

Here you go. When did it become a thing? Here you go. Concept of Christmas was introduced. Oh, right. It was... Yeah. Really? It was the late 1700s and 1800s when Catholicism-My parents didn't care. Don Gip Sinumum introduced as Christmas as an important holiday they describe the Christian events in detail. In the late 1700s, your parents were way before that. Your mom was born in like 1502 or 1504.

No. That boggles my mind because my parents pretended like they didn't know. Like, Well, you don't know.

Yeah, but check this out. This has got to be socioeconomic, too. I'm sure your parents didn't grow up with anything. They couldn't afford Christmas. They were struggling to survive. Yeah, I don't- This has got to be privileged people in Korea that had money could celebrate Christmas. Maybe. Not your fucking parents. Their families didn't come from a lot of money.

Well, don't say it like that. That's a good thing. My mom says we were royal.

No, they weren't.

You had the royal bloodline.

No chance.

My dad's side were ghetto. My mom's side was royal. My My grandfather and my... Remember I told you about the hill that my mom used to walk down? Yeah. That was like one house on a mountain.

How did you guys fall so far? What do you mean? Well, you were royals, and now you're-No, but she married my ghetto dad.

Trash. Yeah.so she married down.

Sounds like a Hallmark movie. Yeah. Titanic. Yeah.

She married down. She married down. Titanic. Yeah, she married down, dude. That sucks.

She married down for love.

Yeah.

Turns out it wasn't worth it. Got two shitty kids.

Yeah, I think it wasn't worth it. No. Yeah. But once it happens, what are you going to do?

Stay in love. Yeah. You just got to stay in love until one of them dies. You just got to slug it out until somebody dies. Yeah. That's what love really is.

But at least they didn't get I saw TikTok and that kid, we talked about it already, but a kid that has severe autism, violent.

Yeah, like fights his parents.

Yeah. It's like, at least they didn't have that.

No, they had drug addict children. That's true. That's much easier to handle.

You think so?

Well, I think because it's through compassion that they understand that you're probably using drugs because you have an addictive bloodline.

They didn't know about it. They don't know about it.

No, but you can empathize. There's something in your bone. Your mom has a very empathetic way. Do you know what I mean?

Are you wearing your socks over your sweat pants like that? Yeah, because it's cold. Your ankles were that cold? Yeah.

Did you celebrate Christmas in the Philippines? Yeah. Even all the poor people, they still celebrate Christmas.

But when they got nothing, what happens?

It was just another day. It's fine.

Really? Because remember we went to the Philippines. Remember that one field? Not a field, but it was a goat tied to a stick. Then we brought spaghetti.

You feed spaghetti to the goat?

No. We took hundreds of spaghettis, boxes of spaghetti, to feed the hungry. Then they ran out of these huts. Can I call them huts?

I think so.

They're made of huts. I know, but it seems like just I'm being mean.

What are they made out of? Just sticks. Sticks. Sticks and mud?

Sticks, stones.

That's a hut.

That's a hut. Thank you.

That's undeniably a hut.

We bring a van. We open up the van and there's these boxes of spaghetti that we all… It out comes kids completely naked. You know what I mean?

Spaghetti.

Yeah. They took the spaghetti. In my mind, I'm like, What do they get for Christmas?Spaghetti?

No. Really?

That poor goat.

What did they were going to eat it, right?

No, I don't know. Were they eating it? What did he do? Some Filipinos, they just take care of it as their pets.

Why poor goat? He's getting taken care of.

He didn't look healthy.

Oh, right. It was like...

You think I'm making fun of? Why How did you roll your eyes? What's going on here? Now, do you-Oh, that's a ghost, dude. There's a ghost here. He back.

That just fell.

What are you doing, Macone?

Good job, Cone.

Yeah, good job, Cone. We had the B team today. You golf today?

No, I can't because of my back.

Why are you tired then?

I think last night, I just couldn't go to bed. I had one of those nights where my brain was moving and I was going through my fucking set in my mind about what I want to find for the hour, and then I couldn't go to bed, and then I went downstairs, and then I ate a midnight snack, and that's going to keep you up for another fucking hour.

What was the snack?

I had such a good little fucking snack. What was that? Little Hawaiian rolls, little puffy Hawaiian rolls. I love those things, yeah. With leftover beef tenderloin that we had. I warmed it up so the American cheese melted all over that fucking thing.

Oh, my Lord.

I have mercy on myself. I had a little bit of onions and peppers left over. Wow. Buddy. I had two of those, and then I was up. Once you eat that midnight snack shit, you're up. You're not going back to bed.

We're going to let it digest first.

Well, that's why I stayed up for a little while. Yeah. You know when people... Do you wake up in the middle of the night to pee? Oh, yeah. Do you wake up in the middle of the night to poop, too? No. I started to do that. Yeah. I'll wake up to poop sometimes.

Sometimes I have to hold my pee. You know why?

Why?

Because if I open the door, the cats, all three cats, are just waiting there.

Waiting for you to wake up?

They're 24/7. If I close a door, they're just waiting there like this. I hold my pee, I go, I don't want to deal with them.

What are they going to do? Just walk around?

No, they try to get in. But what do they do? Sometimes I'll open it and one will scour it and then go underneath the bed. Then now I have to go underneath the bed and grab them.

What do they do if you're in the room when you're sleeping? You don't even know they're there. They just walk around.

No, because you understand, cats are nocturnal animals.

Yeah, they're up.

At 4:00 in the morning, Goony thinks he's the flash.

He's jumping around. You know what I mean?

I can't have him in the room. You're like,. You just hear crazy shit. You know what I mean? You'll stay awake. Yeah, there's no way. I have to barricade. I barricade it with objects and all kinds. It's a whole system. If I open it, then I got to put the fucking barricades back up, and I've already peed. Now I'm already awake because I'm doing physical activity. You know what I mean? I sometimes just hold it. What's going on over your forehead? Nothing. Oh, it's just it?

Yeah, she's breaking out a little bit.

A little bit, huh? Cuspa dandruff.

What? Kuspa Dandreff?

Kuspa is Dandreff. Cuspa? Yes.

What do you mean? Cuspa? Cuspa is the word for dandruff. In what language? In Spanish. Cuspa is dandruff? Cuspa. Is that the same thing in the Philippines? Wow. Dandruff. How would you know that? Were you called Cuspa boy when you were a kid? Little Cuspa. That's Fancy B's new name.

Wait, what does Cuspa mean again?

Dandruff. Flakes.

You have Dandruff on your forehead. That's why Cusper was named Cusper. That right here. It's pimples here. That's a pimpa. That's what I meant. I thought you were going to say you have dendrofe on your forehead. You have dendrofe without the hair? That's incredible.

Why do you have Dandruff? Why do you have Dandruff? I don't know. I wash my hair every day. Your scalp is dry? I wash my hair every day. That's exactly why. That's why why. You're not supposed to wash it every day. No, but if I don't wash it every day and it gets oily and it gets heavy. Yeah, but there's tricks to it. Yeah. Doesn't your aunt have a fucking hair care line? Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Use that hair care line.

Pay attention. I No, but honestly, don't wash your hair every day. It's not good for it. It actually gets it more oily. If you wash it too much, it's bad for it.

Did you see the final of Great British Break-off?

I haven't watched the last episode, but in my mind, I know who won.

Tell me.

The young, good-looking kid. I can't remember his name. But don't say anything. Can I? No. Please. I'm going to watch it. I'm going to tell you. No, because some of our fans haven't seen it yet, so don't do that. Okay. Yeah, you can't spoil it for them. But by the way, the Great British Baking Show.

But it made me cry.

Top-tier television.

Top-tier television. It's not just top-tier. There's a wholesomeness about it. Beautiful. And a warmth about it that None of that's in my own life.

Or in American culture. That's only happened in the British competition shows. It doesn't happen in the American competition shows. Do you know why? I have the secret.

I want to know.

Money? There's no prize money in the British shows. Zero. It's all for pride. All the fucking American shows are based on Top Chef, You can win $100,000.

Yeah, it's Star Trek shit.

Exactly. That's exactly right.

In Star Trek, there's no money. No money. Yeah, in that world.

The goal is pride. It's a pride.

Bonding with other human beings. Community. Community.

They don't have the American show. Exactly. It's all like, Give me the money. I want to be Ruben Studder.

When Paul When Pauley Hollywood gives you a handshake, I literally tear up.

That's more than money.

That's the point. That's more than much. That's more than money. That's more than much.

But I'm saying you can't- I don't know what that means, but- That's more than much. Yeah. You can't replay. There's Paul Hollywood right now. Right there. Sexy, sexy.

You watch a show?

Fox.

It's the best show on television. What happens is it's a baking show. When he tastes something, it's usually something that he can't make because he's one of the best bread bakers in the world. In the world. In the world, right? Sometimes they're amateur and sometimes he'll eat it and he'll chew it. You can tell what's going on in his mind. He's like, Holy shit, that was good, right? Every once in a while, he'll go, Handshake. When the contestant gets a handshake, they start crying because they know that he doesn't give those out often, and they know that it's pure excellence. It's such a great show.

Pru is fun to look at, too. I love Pru.

The comedy.

It's okay.

I don't know.

They've tried to hire... Well, they used to I have a couple of comedians come and go on the show.

Why do they even need to do it, sketches and stuff?

I think because it kills time. I think it's a filler. That's Pru right there. We love Pru. Pru is great. Look at the lettuce on her. Zoom in, by the way. She's got the thickest head of hair I know. It's beautiful.

What flavor does she not like?

Wait, hold on. This is funny. Yeah.

It's something that she doesn't like.

Yeah.

It's an ingredient.

Paul Hollywood's the same way. He doesn't like because I said it to the young guy, too, in the middle of the season.

Let me guess. Macho?

No, matcha, he doesn't like it. That's what they call it. He doesn't like matcha. Matcha, yeah.

They don't like matcha. But she doesn't like... I'll tell you.

Hold on, give me a hint. Give me one little hint.

It's something that we eat in our sandwiches. We make our sandwiches out of it.

Make our sandwiches out of it?

It's like a filling for a sandwich. Oh, an ingredient.

Yeah. Peanut butter. Yes. Yeah, she hates peanut butter. She doesn't like peanut butter. I remember this. By the way, how do you not like peanut butter?

How do you not It's the greatest adventure ever.

You like peanut butter?

It's so good. What do they have? Are you chunky or creamy?

Brother. Well, let me guess. Just like my cum. Chunky, chunky, chunky.

Chunky, chunky.

Chunky, chunky, chunky. Just like I like my pussy. Chunky, chunky, chunky. I like my peanut butter like I like my pussy. Chunky, chunky, chunky, dude. I love chunky. I want to crunch on it. I want to feel the bite. Yeah. That is the thing because when we were kids-What is that?

Discharge?

You know When you crumble chips inside of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich because you need the crunch, when you have potato chips and the chunky peanut butter.

Wait, you do peanut butter? Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop.

Crumble up potato chips and put them inside the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You got to be kidding me.

Like Lay's? No, you've never done. Ruffles. You got to show me. Ruffles?

Oh, bro. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I got to try it. It's one of my favorite things on Earth.

Are you sure? Are you tricking me?

You will love it. You guys have never done this? You never crumpled up chips on the inside of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? My God, it's fucking phenomenal. There are potato chips in there. Look at that. There you go. Yeah, you crumble up. So these are cattle-cooked. Cattle-cooked might be a little bit too much. You need something that's a little bit easier to break because cattle has cut the roof of your mouth if you catch them at a wrong angle.

Is it the saltiness of it? Yeah. It's the crunch. Just put salt in it then.

No, no, no, no, no. Also, flavor. You got to pick a good flavor you like.

Oh, my God. I've never even seen that before.

As we must.

It's white people shit. It's shit that you guys hide.

We've been hiding it for a year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you hide shit like that?

Well, let me tell you something. I was going to the meeting last week and I I said, Can we share this with the others? And all of the Whites were like, We'd rather you not. How many people are at the white meeting? Well, what's our local? Our local 416 is what? I don't know. There's like 100 people there or something like that. Yeah, 1, 120. 100, 120, depending.

Then so what? So Because I've always wanted to know about white meetings. Yeah.

Can I tell you real fast before you ask? Okay. I said I want to share some of this with my Asian best friend, Livet. They kicked me out of this sanction.

You're invited? Really?

He's a He's the co-chair.

Out of all the people in our area, he's the co-chair?

Well, he's a co-chair of this- Steve Karel lives around here. Does Karel go? He is in the Illuminati chair.

Oh, I see. He's not there.

Well, he beams in.

He beams in. You have, okay. Yeah, we see him.

Wait, what do you got to... But ask, go ahead.

Because you've-Oh, may I? Yeah. May I. I have so many questions.

I'll answer one right now. Yeah, snow was originally black. We made it white.

That was my first question.

Oh, my God. Snow was originally-Wow.

I did not know that. Wow. Are there any black angels?

Macone knows the answer.

Yeah. Do you know the You know the?

Tell him about the... He asked, Are there black angels? And go ahead.

Yeah, because you guys have all the dead sea scrolls or whatever you have.Correct.Right.Tell.

Him.correct..

Are there black angels? I don't think I'm allowed to tell him.

You nervous about this question?

All right, we could bypass the question.

Would you like to come to one of these meetings? We are looking for staff.

I mean, I'll be honored, but I'm not- Well, you'd be working the meeting.

You'd be working.

Anyway, so you have non-whites working the meeting?

Well, yeah, We're not going to do that shit. That's disgusting.

We're not going to- But would I be able to eventually move my way up the channel and be white?

There's room to shift. What do you mean? Well, it's mostly lateral.

Oh, it's this Yeah. Yeah, I don't want that. I would rather not.

You'd be lucky to be there.

I understand that. I mean, I've always wanted to see a white meeting, right? I mean, if I'm doing the janitorial stuff, like sweeping and all that stuff- You would be. Would I be able to peek in and watch what's going on or no? Perhaps. I need a guarantee here, babe.

Well, my dear, you pass one of the tests and you can. The baby blood? That's not... You don't get those tests.

What does the minorities get?

Tell them.

Yeah, tell us, Mucon.

Give him one of the minority tests. You remember them. You had your exam a week ago. You know. You're enacting something.

What is it? What is Minority's first task here? The Minority's first task is Can you talk into the mic, please?

Handling the catering for everything is one.

We call that anticomity.

Anti Ant. Yeah. You know we edit the show, you could say anything. This could have been so fun.

You could say anything. That was the most Ant of the comedy. This bit, I don't know why it scares me.

It wasn't even bad. I know. You know what's funny? I'm just basically explaining Scientology. That's all I'm going to tell. I know. I know.

So what is it? I don't know. Fucking, I don't know. I don't know about cult. Okay. I made you.

No, this bit does scare you. Funny. For some reason, it does. This bit will be taken out of context, and they'll be like, They really are in a cult.

You literally never said anything bad. I know. It's obviously a joke.

No, but it's funny how someone on the internet will be like, Were they really joking? Were they really joking about this white meeting? You know what? You'll never know.

You'll never know. That's insane.

We don't have one. I'll tell you this.

I mean, the bit was going so good.

Yeah, Macone, Squish-bit.

I know. It was going so good. But here's the thing.

I'm in a Christmas mood. I'm not in a cult mood. We'll get to Christmas Christmas is a cult.

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The smart way to lose weight. Not all customers will medically qualify prescription medications. Compounded medications are not reviewed by the FDA for safety, efficacy, or quality. First of all, Christmas is a cult. This is the most cult. We decorate, we change the way we look and feel.

You're worshiping a sun god.

Yeah, we're worshiping a sun god, my dude. How is Christmas not a cult? Every holiday is culty. You get together, you chant. By the way, what do we do at Christmas? What do the Whites do? We sing songs together. Have you caroled?

That's culty.

Absolutely not, man. I've sheeled, but I've never caroled.

Oh, yeah. I'll be right back.

No, I've never caroled because I can't sing. I'm not a singer.

No, you're a very good singer, dude. Just cut it out. Oh, my God, dude. On the road?

Cut it out, will you?

You're great.

Honestly, stop it.

Do that.

No, you know what, though? My dad does make us sing like a- Jeff? Yeah, Jv makes us sing. Like a real white family we sing together. I love that man. There's a funny clip. Man, I wish I could show you. He loves you. Dude, he loves you. He was like, How was Thanksgiving? I said, Great. He goes, Did Bobby come by? I said, No, he was going to Michael Bay's house. At the time, you were going to Michael Bay. You didn't end up going.

No.

You know he missed Michael Bay's Thanksgiving? They blow up the turkey.

They do. Yeah, it's incredible. He does. It's incredible. But he uses film still. He really does. I went to Palm Springs.

Yeah, you went a little journey.

I took a date, a girl, a date out in Palm Springs.

Can I tell you when you said that, the jealousy in my soul because I haven't been in a while, and Palm Springs in the winter? Yeah. My favorite.

It's beautiful. We were at Mastros.Oh.

Out in the Palm Springs. Oh, yeah.

It was packed.

Really?

I could not believe how packed it was.

I mean, it's beautiful out there. They do all the lights and the decoration.

I mean, you're talking about... I had to wait an hour, and I I had reservations. It was like, We're sorry. Wait a minute.

Did you do the... What? It's me. You did the, Hey, it's me. It's Bobby. And they still let you...

And they did. Okay. They took it for comedy.

Yeah, I get it. You know they let him in. But you went out We were on a little journey.

Yeah, and then I drove back. I should have maybe gone to my... I don't know. But anyway. I would have wish you came over to that. Because I was talking with my friend, I go, The last Christmas, I was in Chicago. I mean, the last Thanksgiving. At my house. Was that your house? Yeah. What a great fucking...

We had so much fun. I'll always remember that. Everybody, my mom and dad, everyone loves you.

What did you do for Thanksgiving? We just had a small dinner with the family.

The family, but not including us. So not the family.

Well, I was a part of the family at one point.

You've been removed.

You're always invited. You're the one that doesn't want to go.

That's not true. That's not true. You know what? Honestly, you're projecting. You don't want him to go. So you say, Dantee Kalaila, you say, What if we don't invite Tito Bobby this year? No. That's what I heard. I'm repeated.

Let me give you an example. Okay, go. If Dorth Vader and the Emperor, and Boba Fett, and all had a… No, that's not the right. No, I got it right here. Okay, let's say I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm going to do a Star Wars one. I was going to go to Tattooing to go to Thanksgiving, but you guys invited North Vader. Would Luke Skywalker want to go to the Thanksgiving?

Why would you invite North Vader?

He's just there.

What's he doing there? It's his dad. He's making up.

Yeah.

Oh, interesting.

That's a bad example.

I don't like any of that.

Given that detail. Yeah. I mean, you understand why.

You're always invited. I don't like that phrase because what does that mean? Yeah, what does that mean?

No one invited me, by the way. I have to assume that I'm invited.

Well, did you want to go?

Yeah. No one invited me. Nadee Kalaila invited me. No, she didn't. Yeah, so I want you to live with it. You have to assume. I think I'm going to show up because I assume I'm invited because I'm always invited.

But that's not the case. That's not the case. Because Bobby doesn't want to go.

Be intrusive. Right.

He doesn't want to be where he's not welcome. He feels unwelcome.

I guess. But no Everyone talks. They don't talk bad about you.

They're always like, Oh. That sounds like they do. That sounds like they do.

That's the worst thing you could ever say. It's the worst thing you could say. Oh, my God.

Hey, ask me. Really? Watch this. Ask me right now. Go, They Did they talk about me over there?

Go ahead. Hey, did they talk about me over there?

No, no, no. Nobody does. What? You don't believe it. Yeah, I don't believe that. You know right away someone's talking about you.

No, I'm telling the truth.

Look at me. Did they talk bad about Bobby at the party? No, they don't. Don't close your eyes. Do it with your eyes open. They don't. Pretty good. That's pretty good. Yeah, I believe it. Actually, they don't. I had to take it.

You and your new... My old family is having a Thanksgiving. Yeah. That's great. Who else showed up? Mom? Maritus? Yeah, my mom. Everyone showed up. Good. Roger? Yeah. Everyone showed up. Remember, I used to go every year. Do you remember that? You do, you do, huh? You don't even think about that, do you?

Be honest with me. Yeah. While you were driving back from Palm Springs. Did you think about maybe popping in there and surprising?

No, I don't even know where it is.

That's even more hurtful.

Yeah, it's very hurtful. Where's the address? I don't know whose house it's at because if you don't get invited, then you have no idea where the fucking location is. It could be a number of That is true because we had Thanksgiving, but we didn't do it at my house.

We did at Bucca di Beppo, so you never know. You never know where it's going to happen.

But when I was driving back from Palm Springs, I was thinking to myself, Wow, I should just drive off this freeway because I'm so lonely. Why did you come to my house? I'm so lonely.

I wanted you at my house.

I am so lonely and so alone. I have nobody. I literally have nobody. I know you have you, but it's like, I don't want to rely on it. It's like-I want you to want me. I know. I want you to want me. I know, but it was so miserable.

I actually held out.

I feel I was so alone.

Oh, my God. We kept a chair for you at the dinner table. Do you know this? We kept a chair at the table in the hopes that you would show up because I even said-Oh, my God.

I said-I have nobody.

You have me.

I'm alone. I'm truly alone.

No, you're not.

I really am.

Why do you say that?

Because I am. I wake up and I go, Oh, no one's fucking here.

Okay, first of all, let's be real, though. Not someone being in your home is different than you having a wealth of people that are deeply in love with you on many levels. I don't know, man. I can tell you that's a fact.

Last night, I was sitting there with Ian Bag, just talking.

I love Ian Bag. I do, too. It's like one of the funniest dudes in comedy. Yeah.

I was like, Are you okay? I go, I'm so alone.

Where were at the store?

Improv.

Well, that'll make you feel lonely. That place is. Yeah. No, I get it. But by the way, Comedy Clubs are the worst place for our egos.

Why?

Because it's a test. It's a test of and your self-assurance and your self-awareness and all that shit. Standup clubs are hard on your ego, whether we know it or not.

What do you mean hard on our egos?

Because you're constantly in... You should know of all people. You are constantly in conflict with yourself over being good enough and funny enough.

Yeah, it's also...

That's a hard place to do.

It keeps you honest.

It keeps you honest. Yeah. Well, it also keeps you very introspective.

Yeah, because you know how you and I did this show Friday night? It was packed in the main room.

Slammed.

But you weren't on the lineup last night in the main room. I didn't go. It was just me? Yeah. It was dead. Really?

Yeah, it was so straight. On a Saturday night?

They had to put both curtains up. No. Yeah. I was back there and I'm like, the only name, except for Yamanica was in town, so she did it. Oh, wow. But I was just like, Oh, I don't draw anymore. That's not true. I know it's not, but in my mind, I'm like, people are like, Dude, it's the holiday.

It's the holiday weekend.

I know. But it's like... Then when you're already in a state of depression, it just piles on you. Start thinking negatively. It spirals. It spirals. So I'm been spiraling.

Well, I thought this morning in the shower because we talked last week, you asked me about my depression, and I want to give you some credit. You guys listened, and I got out when I needed to get out. It made me feel really good. But I want you to be honest then. Go ahead. About your depression, where you go when you get low. Because I didn't ask you back. You let me just mouth vomit.

No, it's fine. What do you mean Where do I go?Inside.

Myself?well, you asked me-Inside myself? You said, Where do I go when I get really depressed? I told you where I think I disappear to.

Where do you go?

I told you last week. I think I get in a place of isolation. I don't want to talk to people. I need to be left alone, and I need to either exercise or go away? When you drive back from Palm Springs and you were sad, where are you?

I start fantasizing about where I could... Ending it all. Not my life. But I would this whole pursuit of comedy in this dream. Then I would sell all my assets.

Retire, so to say.

Retire, grab all my… and go to a town that no one knows me.

Where is this?

What does it look? I've always thought about having a bunch in a fishbowl, a bunch of trailer parks.

What?

Trailer parks. Oh, a little trailer. Yeah, putting my hand in and I go, Oh, I guess I'm going to live in Shreeport, Louisiana.

For how long?

A year? For the rest of my life.

No, you got to keep doing it. Keep dipping in the fish.

Maybe every year, but I would go into a trailer park and just disappear. Trailer Park, Bobby. Yeah. Then I would look strange, too. What would you look at? Bell Bottoms.

Every day? Yeah. Even in Louisiana.

I look like El Cucuracha.

I love El Cucuracha.

Yeah, I would do El Cucuracha. I would bring a- Wife beater?

What are you wearing up top?

A wife beater, but also I want definitely one of those El Madeache guitar. Oh, yeah. Or on my shoulder, right? Bell bottoms. A lot of his... I would go to his style, too. Who? Macone? No, fancy.

What? Shitty shirts?

Yeah, T-shirts with bread of people doing dancing. You know what I mean? Then I would probably wear, and this is probably not appropriate, but something with feathers.

How is that not appropriate? What are you not allowed to like feathers?

People say it's cultural appropriation or whatever. How? You know what? I would do that, but with three feathers and a gigantic blood diamond on my forehead. Love. You know what I mean? Not a polished one.

No, just a raw blood diamond. Right.

Then it was maybe blood from a revolutionary on it or a smuggler. Smogler.

Smogler as well. Shout out to South Africa. Yeah.

Just dried on there. You know what I mean? I would probably wear the football paint.

Oh, like war paint.

No, not war paint, football paint. Sometimes they just put black.

Yeah, do you know what that's for? Why? That's actually interesting. I'm surprised that football players are the only ones that wear that. Why aren't soccer players could wear it, too? Yeah, I would do that. Reflection of the light of the sun. It helps. That's right. That's why I would do it. Keep it out of your eyes.

Make my eyes wider.

Let me see.

If I wear that because the sun's not That's so funny.

Blood diamond. You imagine all it takes- Three feathers. All it takes for Asians to have bigger eyes to just put on that black under their eyes. They can use an extra fine Sharpie. Okay. There he is.

He only waits He only waits for the jokes that he knows he can tell. That's right. If we ask him to do the joke, he can't think of it. That's right. But if one pops in and says, even if it's going to piss me off, he has to say it because he knows that it's good. Kind of good.

Yeah. Let's get back on a happy track then. Yeah. Is there something you're excited for at the end of the year or at the beginning of next year?

No.

Really? You know what? There's nothing brewing for you? No. Nothing.

Well, I'm excited about... I've lost 10 pounds, so I'm excited That's awesome.

I watched the original Christmas episode a few days ago. It's wild how much smaller you look.

You do look smaller.

Everyone has commented, literally everybody.

But when I get another 10, 15 pounds, I'm going to thenGo to the gym. Do my thing.

Does your penis look better? No, I'm serious. When you lose some weight, sometimes your dick looks better.

Most of the weight's from that.

Oh, my God. Your dick lost 10 pounds.

Five pounds. Wow. It was definitely five pounds dick.

Let's get you fat again. Yeah, I know what I'm talking about. That's a bad idea.

It's so funny. I went to the spa the other day and I saw a couple of really big dudes with little microdicks. Love. They looked like buttons.

You mean big as in fat or strong?

No, they're just a button.

No, their body. Were they fat or strong?

Oh, fat.

Oh, well, fat's different.

They're huge, but they have a little Benjamin button there.

That's why they got so fat. You have a tiny penis, you're going to eat your sadness away.

I wonder how that happens. They have big hands.

Yeah, but they probably got fat because of their small dick I just said. They got sad. They saw that little pecker and they thought, Never going to use this. I might as well just eat away my feelings. I like seeing a buff guy at the gym with a small little penis. I love it. Why? Because he's like, Fucking object, and you're like, nah. But that's why he's buff. I know, but Overcompensating. That's why regular guys like us have regular dicks. It's great. We didn't win, we didn't lose. It's fine. It's fine. You know what our cocks are? Vanilla bean ice cream. Exactly. French vanilla bean. It's good. It's fine. It's not the one that everybody wants, but it's fine. And yours has a little bit of mango in it. You got a couple of slices of mango. Leachy fruit.

Leachy, leachy.

It is funny. By the way, at the spa today, I went in the hot tub. You go naked in the men's spa. So I'm naked in the hot tub, and a guy came out of the sauna and didn't know someone was in there because I'm sure he went in and no one was on that section. It was quiet today. He came out and he saw me and panicked and grabbed one of the towels to cover up his little penis. Then I had to pretend like I didn't see his little penis because he stood right there and I like- Are you naked? Looked the other way. Yeah, you have to be.

When I met that, I took Jesse to the WeSpa.

Oh, yeah.

We went to WeeSpa together. How was that? It was so fun. Yeah? Yeah. She was a little scared.

Yeah, it's foreign. Yeah.

But I always noticed- Literally. Yeah. I always noticed, though, there's white dudes completely wearing basketball shorts in the steam room. Then the Koreans and the blacks were completely naked. Why is that? At the white meeting. Do you guys talk about that at the white meeting? We do. Yeah.

Well, and this is going to offend you, but we wear shorts because we don't want to sit on the same ground as you. We need some cloth separation.

Oh, it's good. Because the thing is, when I go to the sleep room, I put a towel down and I sit on that. That's not enough protection?

Not for us.

Maybe it's psychological. It's mainly psychological.

Well, it's like when you put down... When people put down those things on the toilet, that's not doing anything. But we need the reassurance.

Can we create a company that makes those, but make them thicker The toilet seat cover?

Yes. Okay. I think it's a great idea.

Can we not have a fucking... There's got to be a substitute for that.

But it has to be able to throw away. So how can it decomfort?

Because the thing is that when you... Because I was at the airport when we were coming back, and I was pooping, emergency poop, and somebody had peed on the fucking... Seat.

Seat. Gross.

They have to put nine layers of those things to absorb the pee so that it doesn't get on your...

What if we just travel with one of those? I know. By the way, It's a neck pillow. It's a neck pillow and-Wow, yeah.

That's interesting. But there's still pea on the fucking... What do you call it? The seed. Yeah. You got to clean that.

You have a pea side and a butt side, and you always have the pea side down. You always know which side is. It's by color.

Right.

I don't know. The pea side will be yellow.

That's a little too thick to walk around with.

You think so? Yeah. But we'll have a carry all. We'll have a bag that's specifically designed for it that looks cool.

See, women don't have that because women sit down and they pee, right?

I don't. No, she stands up. What? She lifts one leg up like a dog. She hovers. I step on the seat and then I squat.

Why?

Because I don't want to touch. It's gross. Wait a minute. You don't stand on the seat. You just hover.

No. You physically stand. He put two feet on there like a fucking monkey.

Wait, you put your feet on the toilet seat? Yeah. That's insane.

Like a spider monkey, dude.

Why don't you just hover? It's hard because- I know a lot of women that hover. Hovering is Very normal. They hold the walls.

But what I'm saying is that if everyone just sat, you're not going to get pee on the seat. Correct. We have pee on the seat because people stand and pee on the seat. That's true.

How about this? Why is it? Women do the hovering technique. This is like a constant thing.

I like what you're thinking.

What?

I just know it's going to be something enlightening. It's going to be great. I love it. Tell me, sir.

Why aren't women's toilets higher off the ground then?

That wasn't what I meant. No?

Why did they have to hover and crouch? Why can't they make a mechanism that goes up to them? They can just stand. Why don't they do that? Why do they have to hover?

Or this one- Oh, so you stand and it's like a thing that goes over here. Yes. And you're just like, right?

You hit a button, and it just cups. Yeah.

Why Why do they do that? They poop and you can walk.

So now you're in.

Why don't they do that with us?

We don't need that because we like to stand and pee. It's like a male nature. I mean for pooling. Well, extra tall toilet. See, this is what I'm talking about.

Can you pool like that? No, you can't pool like that.

Yeah, I've done that.

You pooled straight up.

Oh, yeah. Stiff as a board. It must be messy. That's how we end the meetings. Tell you it's your exit. No, but when I've camped, when I've gone camping, you lean against a rock and poop. You never done that?

No. Have you pooped in the ocean?

God knows I know you have. I know you've- It's super hard. I know you've pooped in the ocean. Yeah. Yeah, it's so gross.

It's so gross.

It's so awesome. It's actually awesome. Yeah. No, I've never pooped in the ocean. But every time I pee in the ocean, I also stand up above water level, so I'm not peeing underwater. Why? Because I don't want anything swimming inside my papito.

Speaking of the ocean.

That's a real thing. It's a real fear or something. By the way, this is what I was going to say, too. Looked up the statistics of this. Catching something from a toilet seat, from sitting on it, is literally impossible. You'd have to have open wounds on your legs, and then it'd have to be fresh bacteria on the seat to catch anything from the toilet.

You can catch I don't want to pu. I don't want to pu. I'm sorry. You can catch poop and pee, and I don't want that.

Yeah, but you just wipe it off.

Off of my butt cheek? No, dude. I don't want poop on my butt cheek.

Before I sit down. Yeah. And by the way, who's pooping on the toilet seat?

I've seen it.

This one that's hovering?

Yeah, I've seen it.

The hover shit? Yeah. No, but when I get in the bathroom, I take toilet paper, I wipe the seat anyway.

It's still dirty.

How? How dirty? Yeah. No, seriously, how dirty? No No one is pooping. The only thing that's getting on there is other people's butts. That's it. That's it. No one is lifting up and pooping on the seat. It doesn't happen. It will not happen. It cannot happen.

I swear to God, I've seen poop on the seat before.

Then maybe it's where a place where young kids are and they're fucking, they're little shitty gross. But most of the time in an adult atmosphere, there's nothing on the seat. Maybe a little bit of piss. A little bit of piss. By the way, if you peed in a toilet with shorts on, you feel it on your legs. You pee in a urinal, you feel it all your legs.

I just think that the God should have made it different.

Our body is different. Where would you put it?

I put the butt hole in the bottom of my foot.

You've said this before, and I think that's a great idea. Where do you pee from? Your fingers? Yeah. You can get it away from you.

You shouldn't pee at the same... You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Just your...

Dude, imagine.

This would be great.

Yeah.

That's why if someone's pissing.

But then you'd sit down and you have to wipe like this, though.

That's not bad. That's not bad. Or are you Or we just create a mechanism. You know at a bar, you know how you flip a glass upside down and they have a washer, water sprays up? You have that for your foot.

That's fucking great. A little footwasher. That's great, dude.

Don't have to wipe ever again.

Unless somebody has a foot fetish. That'd be weird, maybe. Not really.

Well, yeah, that would be weird.

How would gaze?

Foot fucker? You're a foot fucker. That's a new... Look at these foot fuckers over there.

Look at that foot fucker there, dude. I'm not going near those foot fuckers.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah. Yeah, well, a foot fucker- Would you fuck the foot? I would. Yeah, I would fuck the foot.

I love feet. You know I like feet. I love a good foot. Something about it on the internet, when you see a good foot, you're like, That's sexy.

A shoe salesman for a women's department has to be a girl then, probably.

Otherwise, you're perved.

Yeah, just grabbing the foot, you know what I mean? Taking the sock off.

What's the same thing with gynecologist? I found out that there's male gynecologist. You're like, What? You've never had a male doctor. No. Wouldn't you be so uncomfortable?

Yeah, but I think Alia is a man, I think.

Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Wait, it is her gynecologist. Fewer than half practicing OB/GYNs are men. Fewer than half. Still too many.

I love when people, kids, would be like, I want to be a guy in college. It's like, really?

Yeah, it would take away all the fun.

Not just that. It's like, you have to fucking like, Judy Dench vagina.

Right? Yeah, but it's a dame.

I know, but you know what I mean? It's like... You know what I mean?

I do.

A variety of different- There's too many.

Yeah. You get to see the worst, the best and the worst. The worst. Best and the worst. Yeah. You don't want to see it all the time. It's like when you work at McDonald's, you lose the taste of the food. You don't want to work in the firework factory. You just want to buy them.

Yeah, interesting.

I think, Boy, do I like buying them?

I love buying them.

I want to say this. For Christmas this year, I want one thing from you.

Okay.

Happiness next year. No. I want you to be happy next year. I'm going to I work tirelessly on making you happy. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to find a way. I'm going to find a way. I promise. I will find a way. Where there's a will, there is a way. No, no. Yes, yes. Look at me. I'm going to find a way. I promise.

Thank you.

What do you want for Christmas, Jules? You're in luck. We got a gift for you. What? Bring out the gifts. Yeah, I want the gifts. Yeah, we definitely want the gifts.Oh, wow.

Look at this.Wow..

Don't open them all at once. Fuck you. Tell me what to do.

Okay, he says this is not worth a lot, but I'm going to love it. No, he said it was priceless. Priceless. I'll give you my You win response.

All right, hold on one second. Who's the one starts? Well, let Fancy start. Get his out of the way. No, no, no.

Fancy is last.

Okay. All right, Bob, you go first. I go first?

Okay.

No, stop. Jules, go first.

Yeah, I should go this way.

Yeah. Okay.

Ski? One ski. Jules is a throwback. What is it? Oh, a katana. It's plastic?

No, it's real.

Is it 500? $100 million. Yeah.

That is so dope.

That's so cool. Thank you, Michael. This is so cool. So dope, dude.

I'm actually impressed.

That's a pretty cool one. That's cool.

Thank you. Oh, Dude, be careful with this. That's not a real-Yeah, it's a knife. It's not steel, though. Put your hand out and feel it. Let me see. Your hand right there.

No, I don't want to do that. Just once. No, dude.

Okay. No, it's not. It's wood.

It's wood.

All right, let me do mine.

I got some stuff for Cubby.

Oh, wow. Salmon skin. Oh, for the dog.Oh, for the dog. It's a little Christmas sweater. Yeah, thank you, dude. Honestly, thank you. By the way, you know who else likes salmon skins? Rudy. My little salmon skin, girl. Can you really eat this? You can. Go ahead. Give it a roll.

No, it's for the dogs.

What do you mean? It's just salmon skin. I don't want her to eat it, dude. I want her to eat it.

All right, mine, mine, mine, mine. You can eat it. Mine, mine, mine, mine.

Yours, yours. Let's see it.

Oh, I know what this is.

You're so crazy.

You have a best of Bobby Lee. I made that. You made this? Yeah. No. No way. That's cool. How did you find these on YouTube? I scrobed through a bunch of YouTube, a bunch of read, and I downloaded it as much as I could, and I cut together a 73-minute compilation.Wow.Wow, dude. I burned it onto a Blu-ray. You could play that on any of your gaming devices that has a disk reader. I do, yeah. I can see it.

Do you know what's incredible about this? What? The effort he put into your gift versus literally anybody else. Yeah.

He went to Petco for you.

Petco? Yeah, Yeah. Target, my guy.

Target, yeah, my guy.

Give me that. Let me see it. That is incredible.

This is incredible. Wow. Kraft and heart.

I will say this- It's based on the first season DVD release on Matt TV. American Comedy Icon, Bobby Lee finally gets the home media release he deserves. See all his greatest sketches, at least all the ones I could find on the internet. For some reason, this fucking show isn't streaming anywhere. A collection so funny, it will have your whole family shouting, Uh-oh, Hot Dog. Merry Christmas, 2024 from a cone. It's a real Blu-ray. It's incredible. Which should work on any gaming device with a disk slot of a Blu-ray player. Runtime is 73 minutes.

Wow. It's 73 minutes? That's how much footage is out there. I mean, there's even more that I cut out. If you weren't the lead of a sketch, I cut it. Wow, dude. That's incredible, dude.

That's an extremely thoughtful gift. It really is. I got nothing. You got nothing. I pay you. I pay you. I give you so much. You're hard to...

You're so I'm installed it for you, dude.

You built this. You could have built me something. That is a beautiful gift. It's incredible. All right, Fancy, open up your fucking gift. I want Fancy to be able to appreciate some real cinema. I also got fancy, a best of Bobby. That is nice.

Which is what I've always wanted.

That is what you've asked for.

If I don't have enough of Bobby.

So you burned it twice?

No, I actually just made the cover twice.

There's not a real one in there. Couldn't afford a second disk? No, that's actually an SNL, the best of Chris Farley disk.

Which is way better. Thank you.

Okay. You're a piece of shit. That's mean. No. Take it back right now.

No, it's true. It's true. Is it Real good. Thank you. Is it true?

It's true. How?

Anyway, thank you, Macone.Thank you.Thank.

You, Macone. Thank you. Thank you, my God. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Macone. Thank you so much. That was nice. My dog will love this.

We I'll give you a career, so have a Merry Christmas. Before we go, I want to recommend something to our listeners. Please. You've heard of Serious, the podcast? No. Anyway.

Yeah, you have. Serious? I don't know. No.

Is it called Serious?Cereal. Cereal.

Oh, yeah.

Not serious. Are you serious? No. Serial, the podcast. Yeah, Serial. There's a new one called The Good Whale. The Good Whale. Yeah. I tried to bring up the last podcast. I I brought up Keiko. But then we didn't rift on it, but it really is an enlightening little podcast.

What is it about?

Have you ever seen Free Willy?

The movie? Yeah. Yeah.

You did? Yeah, of course. When they found a whale to play Willy, it was this whale in Mexico.

Hard to cast.

Yeah. It was a Mexican whale.

I want to be free, Willy.

You would think if they got a whale to jump, it would have been a black whale.

Right.

Then when the movie comes out, it becomes a hit, and all the kids are like, Where is this whale? They're like, It's in this tiny little pool. It's malnutrition. The roost, yeah. I don't know what the conditions were. Gross. They weren't the best.

It's awful.

Pretty much everyone on the planet that had something to do with whales, they go, We want to try to free him, but he's been in captivity since he was a baby.

This is a real free willy. Yeah.

They build a completely big facility in Oregon, this high tech facility. They build his muscles, and they try to train him in terms of how to catch fish, how to dive, you know what I mean? All that stuff. Then after a couple of years, they bring him to Iceland where they found the baby to release him, but they put him in a little bay first. It's this voyage out into the real sea.

Wow. Well, you don't see it, you hear it.

It's five episodes. I listened to all of it, and it's really just it melt your heart.Beautiful.Yeah..

Did it live? Because a lot of times...

I don't know if we should give that away.

Well, we did. It's great. Yeah, fuck it.

That's what makes me so mad about this document. That's why I want people to listen to it. When people go, What the fuck? I go, Fuck you, too. I thought, dude. You know what That's on you.

My instinct was that it didn't live because when they re-acclimate-He came close, though. No, really.

Can I just tell? Because we just gave it away.

Was he killed by another killer whale?

What happened was, it's so sad because it's like all his trainers and all the people that work for this organization, they got to a point where they... Because he was so reliant on humans that even if he saw a boat, he would just come up to the boat and say hi. So all these people, they would have to hide. So all of a sudden now, Keiko's alone, and he doesn't know what to do. They open up the bay, and then they see… Sometimes these killer whales have these parties.

I've been to one.

I know, in the white. Yeah. But they're half-black, too.

We're okay with that. It depends on that.

They have these parties and Keiko would watch from a distance. He's in the ocean and they're all communicating, having fun. Keiko's just like, I don't know what to do. When did Keiko just… Because Although his trainers are hiding, he just starts going into the ocean by himself, traveling thousands of miles by himself. You know what I mean? Then one day in Norway, this little kid and his Norwegian family were on their boat, and Keiko pops his head up. He traveled thousands of miles. They're like, Whoa, this killer whale is so nice. He would just follow them around because he just... You know what I mean? He's so lonely. At night, the family could hear Keiko outside. Yeah, where are you? You know what I mean? I know it's so sad. It was so... Then he dies.

He dies. Then he dies.

It's so sad. It's so sad.

But that's the circle of life.

That's not the circle of life. Here's what it is. They shouldn't have done in the first place. Killer whales. They're so attached to their mothers. In fact, killer whale mothers, even when their son is fully grown, they'll rip up a piece of fish and then leave some for the kid. That's how attached they are. They're called pods. That's your family. They know each other for all their lives. They have their own language. They don't want to communicate. Keiko doesn't know any of that shit.

Of course, Keiko wasn't going to survive based on all that. I mean, this is like, ripping away their core instincts.

Yeah, it's like you should not... I mean, SeaWorld should not exist. Any of these things should not exist. I agree. Do What about zoos?

I think zoos are bullshit.

Bullshit. Bullshit. It's Auschwitz for animals. 100%. You know what I mean? 100%. What are you laughing at? You know what you seem like a guy that captures them. I like the alliteration of Auschwitz for animals.

Okay.

Anyway, Whenever you see these animals, it's just like they don't know what's going on.

Well, I don't care how kept the zoo is. It's always awful. It always looks like shit. They look like they're bummed. That's why there's always sorts of wild shit that happens at a zoo because Because they just don't want to be there. They don't want to fucking live like. They know in their gut they're not supposed to be there, and they look sad every fucking time you go.

It's the worst. But also, when they brought Keiko to the new tank that they built in Oregon, they built half of the tank was a see-through. And reporters and people from the town would visit. And Keiko would always come by and just sit there and just say hi to these humans and play with them.

He was raised by humans.

Yeah. She just loved humans. All of a sudden, we're like, nah. You know what I mean? It's insane.

He doesn't-Is it a guy or a girl, Keiko?

It's a boy. Really? Maybe he made up his name.

Wait, what?

Change his name.

Keiko. That was probably why he didn't make it.

Anyway, I mean, Merry Christmas to everybody.

Merry Christmas to almost everybody.

Yeah, thank you for being a bad friend.

Almost everybody.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Don't go Keiko on us.

Honestly, can I tell you something? If you're going to land a joke to close the show, it's got to be seamless.

He said, Don't four Have you gotten worse at speaking English? Don't be keiko on us.

It's almost like since you became a citizen, you're shittier at getting it out. Jules, wish everyone a happy Christmas. Go ahead.

Merry Christmas, and thank you for being a bad friend.

God bless.

Can we end with that Christmas song? Yeah.

This is our Bad Friends Christmas song that we wrote together. We did? Yeah. You remember this?

Oh, yeah.

Christmas here, you are here. Come on. You know it.

Be with your family, don't have tears.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.

Black friends, Mexican friends all around the fireplace.

Christmas, Christmas.

And the little ones we call children and the elves.

Christmas, Christmas. That's Christmas.

Jolly Candy, Candy, Candy, Corns.

Jules, your verse?

Egg Nox and Cinnamon Crunch together.

Christmas, Christmas.

Oh, what a wonderful Christmas.

Yeah. Christmas, Christmas.

A couple more lines.

I love everyone.

I loveChristmas. Go. Yeah.jingle Bell.Jingle Bell.Christmas.

Christmas.christmas. Can you imagine if you walked into a lounge? You heard this? This was a lounge, Jack. It was just a loop.

It was just a loop.

Imagine being depressed on Christmas and walking into your Christmas.

It's so bad. It's so Christmas.

Thank you for being a bad friend. That's so funny. Christmas, Christmas..