Transcript of Paper Airplanes Come & Steal Your Girl

This episode of Bad Friends is presented and fueled by Huel, your go to for complete nutrition.

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Hey. Hey. We got it in the mail. Bad

friends. We got

the we got the merch.

We got the bad friends merch.

Bad friends merch. Look. We've got the, the fan submitted. We're working with the fans on designing the merch now, and this is, 1 of the hoodies that we've got.

And this is embroidered.

This is embroidered, and that 1 says, I'm Bobby Mom, and can I say something? And it's, beautifully embroidered. It's it's it's patched on there. It's gorgeous, and it's at badfriendsmerch.com. Go to badfriendsmerch.com.

You 2 are bad friends.

Who are these 2 idiots?

White dude. I'm an Asian dude. You 2 are disgusting.

Oh, you

2 are

something. We're bad friends. Come here. I'm what? Somebody?

Look at this.

I can't see what it what is that? Just come please look at it. What is that?

Oh, no.

Is that dip? Is that like a,

What is this area right here, dude?

That's a croissant jelly type shit.

Look at this area right here.

I see it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. What is the white thing? Taste it, Macon.

No. No. No. No. No.

Don't don't taste it.

Think it's

a But but listen. Paper?

I think it's Can you can you

clean that? Or Do we have those disinfectant rags? This is insane, dude.

You clean his side while you get my sides like this?

They don't clean my side. I just don't get it dirty like you do. That's a big difference. Mhmm. Yo.

What are you doing, bro?

I'm

nervous. I know. Just wipe it. No.

No. Just wipe it.

That's very you

don't let it soak. It doesn't soak. Evil laugh.

Do that evil laugh. Alright. That's good.

I'm letting it soak. It doesn't soak. No. You don't.

No. You don't know how to soak it, dude.

It's fine. Let's do it.

I soak so good.

Mormons do. Some

Mormons are the big soakers.

People don't

shit up. Super soakers. Mormons are

the super soakers of the world. Yeah. And then what's a kid that goes underneath the bed and rocks the bed? What's his name? So they soak.

Right? They because they can't have movement.

Yeah.

So they stick the weener in. Don't move it, and then someone goes onto the bed and pushes it.

The kid from the garage. That's what I

call it. That's who it is.

I call it the kid from the garage.

See, look at the shake in the bed in Mormon. It's something commonly done by Mormon teens expected to remain virgin. It's called it's called jump pumping. Jump pumping?

Mhmm.

So the guy gets under the bed and moves the bed.

Last night, where were you? I was at home. I was at my friend's show.

I didn't feel good last night. Oh, yeah? Can you tell? I'm all clogged up.

Oh. My back is Love you, dude. Okay. Stop.

Now I know I was supposed to go last night. I texted Joe. I texted Joe today, and I apologize.

Last night, I'm at the Comedy Store, and I see this sickly guy. Not sickly. Handsome. Skinny.

You know, talented. You mean in shape? That's what I meant. Yeah. Like an in shape guy.

You're right. You're right. Yeah. Okay. That's resentment talking, I think.

Yeah. I do think that away.

Yeah. Yeah. Let me let me put that aside.

Olster that. Put that in the holster. Yeah. Because you're looking skinny lately. How many people on how many people on tour commented that the Ozempic must be working because you look skinny?

Well, Jeremy heard it the whole trip. Jeremiah Watkins, that's why I called me fatty. Yeah. But he goes, what's up, fatty? And I could I could not believe it.

Yeah. But he's like paper. He's I I couldn't believe whiskey thin guy.

He attacked me. Anyway Why did he call you fatty? I don't know why.

What who started it? He did. He just came up to you and goes, hey, fatty. Yeah. Wow.

It was incredible. And that doctor Phil stuff's going his head. I

think that's what it is. Geez. Tin till Tilcony.

Tilcony? Yeah. Tilcony. I mean Is that our version? Welcome back to

Tilcony. Tilcony and doctor Phil got to his head. Yeah. Anyway, so last night, this guy comes up to me. Yeah.

Morgan Jay. Is it Jay Morgan or what? What did it happen?

It's Morgan Jay. Okay. You really think his you

because he switched it.

You think Jay Morgan? You've known him.

I know, but I thought he switched it.

No. No.

I've never heard anyone with the last name of Jay.

Everybody says Morgan j Jay Morgan all the time. I don't know why that happened. Yeah. Yeah.

Because of 2 first names.

I yeah. I guess

That's your fault.

My first and middle name is my fault. Can I have

what's your real last name? Venti Chinkue.

Are you really?

I Venti Chinkue means 25. 25. Yeah. Yeah. No.

Don't do that. No. What's your real last name?

He doesn't

want it. No. This is Venti Chinkue. No chance.

It's not Venti Chinkue, then.

Give me your ID.

Are we introducing me yet?

Not yet. No. No. We're just doing this right now.

I swear. You let us take control of the show, Venti Chinkue.

Alright. Venti Chinkue. Where'd that I use my wallet.

There's only 1 part of that last name I love.

I can't believe this guy, Venti Chinkue. I can't believe this guy, Venti Chinkue.

Look. I swear.

This Venti Chinkue.

Every time I do my my house.

I am like, damn.

Wow. It won't even let me.

Bro, he even has a hot driver's license. I'm so sorry. Hot he is, dude.

Dude, the smart.

Hot in the photo. He's got a side. He's side He's doing 1 of these.

Yeah. I said j's your middle name.

I went to my fur I want no. No. It's my always my middle name for Morgan j.

Morgan j. Morgan j Venti Cinque. 25. Yeah. 25.

Yeah.

It's a weird last name. There's a whole weird story in Sicily about Okay.

You're Siciliano? Siciliano. Let's fuck.

Here you go.

Same, dude. Yeah. And, man, you are fucking hot. Everyone else has to face forward when they take the picture, and they usually say don't smile. He's so hot.

They let him go sideways and smile. Yeah. You are a hot guy. You're fucking sexy. Morgan j favorite.

Let him do this.

I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna get Morgan j went went to drink away.

So

Jimmy he hangs out with Benny Hobbs, Little Twines, really, and Jimmy the Cricket.

He knows Jimmy the Cricket. How long you known Jimmy the Cricket?

How long you know Jimmy the cricket? Any alright. So so last night, he comes up to me nervous. Yeah. He's like, hey.

He goes, I'm a little nervous. I go, about what? He goes, I wrote down questions.

No. I wrote down fucking points.

I'm okay.

It's not I wrote the sorry. Go ahead.

When when I'm gonna

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna show you, Andrew.

Every time you interrupt him, he's gonna do the fucking thing.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm gonna

That's it. That's that's the

Wanko family.

Let me see some of these questions.

This is what I showed him.

Alright. So some of the questions that he wrote down or some of the talk talking points. Making this list because I feel like I'm not a good podcast guest. Did Whitney's podcast, she never put it out. Did Dumbfound a podcast,

we had to redo it.

I did I did He explains all

this to me.

I did Tiger MILF podcast, she didn't put

it out. Yeah. Tiger oh, the other yours?

No. Not mine.

Yeah. Jong, Jong Yang Song.

Oh, Jae Jong Song. How do you

wait. Wait. Hers is called Tiger Milk? Tiger MILF.

Tiger MILF. Yeah.

She's your protege. She called hers Tiger MILF? Yeah.

I don't fucking know, I guess. Yeah.

I'm gonna get this Okay.

Alright. So listen. You did Whitney's, and she never put it out.

I no. No. She never put

it out. But that's also because she could've taken the wrong pill that day and forgot to post. Then you had a colonoscopy on Friday. Yeah. And the drug they gave you felt good.

What did

It was the the Michael Jackson drug, like propanol, propanol.

Oh, pro oh, prophenol. Yeah.

Right? It was good.

That's Carlos, don't not so bad.

Finish my intro real quick?

Brother, we're already there.

No. No. I'm not there yet. No. We're another thing that that he says another thing.

What do I say? I'm so nervous.

I'm with somebody. Yeah. Right? He gives me the list.

Who are you with? A comic? A young lady. Oh, nice lady. Alright.

Then he goes, out of I didn't even ask. He goes, I got a vasectomy. Stop. You and then he goes, I swear to God, you wanna see it?

Stop. I was so nervous.

I just I go with Tom Paul. Patty. I go I go, I know I know ask. I didn't even ask.

Well, you're the guy who shows his pubes to audiences.

And then right? He go, do you wanna see it?

Yeah.

And I go, we're in the patio. There's there's people around. What the fuck is your problem?

Yeah. But the guy who shows his pubes to people on stage. I it

was makes sense.

I was like, I thought that was your energy.

This makes sense.

Oh, you can't ma hey. You can't match you can't match my energy.

What was

this? Okay. You can't match it. Did they did My my energy is my own frequency. You can't match it.

Alright. Did Ozempic shrink your hands? Look at your little finger.

I know, dude. Everything went like this I know. I know. I know. I

figured how

to do it.

Really gonna do it, but I was nervous, and I just was vomiting.

Can I see it? I do wanna see it.

Back to me?

Yeah. Can I?

My gosh.

You're very dark. You you you're real bald.

Well, I I I shave my balls.

You shave with a razor or with, like, a like, a like a fucking Italian.

I I shave with a razor.

Most of us Italians, we don't shave up balls.

No. I shave I shave with a razor. Yeah. You go

down on women. Yeah. Fuck you. Italians don't do that neither. We don't do that.

Well, that in the the Sopranos. Right?

He didn't wanna eat his his That they used

to be real

faux faux pas for Italian Americans to go down on them. Oh, yeah. It was like, you suck, Mike.

You wanna see it?

I just saw it. You didn't

see it.

I saw the pink sack. Alright. Nice color.

Beautiful sack. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Beautiful sack.

So I'm sorry.

No. It's no. The I'm sorry.

Wait. Let's back up. You're 37 years old?

Yeah. And

you got a vasectomy because you never want it. You're like, no kids ever. Are you married?

I I got a I got a serious partner I'm with.

Okay. Right.

But, we're in an open thing, and, you know, I'm dealing with something right now. Currently, we don't know for sure if this girl is, like, lying or not about a pregnancy. Oh, boy. Put the fear of God in me. I just was like, you know, they gotta change things.

What'd I tell you?

No. What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

What'd I tell you?

I mean, you told me last night.

What the fuck I tell you? So You don't fuck all Ohio.

You don't fuck girls in

You don't go Midwest. Fuck them. Yeah. You gotta You told me in Miami.

Isn't that where Whitney's kid is from?

Miami. No. But another comic Texas.

Another comic was, you gotta hook up can I have my phone back? No. Okay. Another comic was saying, like, you can't hook up with girls in small towns. If you're doing in a big city, it's like

Oh, I didn't tell you that? Oh, yeah. You told me that somebody told you that. Yes. I told you that.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Because if you do it

in a small town, she'll probably have the kid.

No. I was just like, you're like, I don't want you you're like the coolest thing to happen in that town. Uh-huh.

But, like, if you if you

fuck a girl in Miami, she'll fuck a football player the next day.

You know what I'm saying? Or before she fucks you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Literally. Or you might be the appetizer, and then

she But, yeah, but me me and my me me and my girl, we've we've we've already, like, talked about how

we don't wanna have kids

and stuff. Bag it? No. I do. I do.

And this this this my come was nowhere near this person, so now I'm I'm like Oh,

that's even okay.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

He's saying the person that claimed pregnancy, he there was no there was no interact there was no transactional jizz.

Yeah. No transactional jizz. I can redirect my jizz.

And and and they haven't and and

I I really can.

You're you're jizz watching an old Asian man with his hands behind his back, strumming through the street.

I know. And by the time break

the smoke By

the time

it comes out of your penis

She's home.

Sludge. Yeah. She's

home. At home.

She's gone.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway

but yeah. So I got and then just out of an abundance of caution. And, also, you know, in the next 4 years, they're gonna be tough on women, so I figured I'd get my nuts, snipped up anyway. Alright.

Because Trump might take away this. I'll just take away this. This before the election.

I did this in September.

Mhmm. You

did? This is in September. Yeah. You have too

bulgy eyes.

I'm not high, bro.

No. But the bulging, I like

Oh, I brought you guys a gift.

Do you smoke you smoke weed in general or no?

I'm I kinda don't do anything anymore.

You quit every you Just

I I'll have a drink, like, for special occasions, but outside of that Good for you. Do you I I I know you guys get a bunch of free shit all the time, and you guys might you don't have to keep this. You could give it back to me if you want, but I know you wear beanies sometimes. So

He loves beanie. I have

the LOL beanie.

Love. Throw it on a text message. Fantastic.

I have these 2 lighters. This one's for you. Love. That one's for you. Yeah.

Well, that that one's not That one's for you.

Oh, look at this. It's a oh, it's titties.

This 1 this one's for you.

Yo. This is great. Oh. You sell these at your show?

It's Doc's penis. I I got those

I got those in, I got those in

your Thank you.

I got those on my list of before. And I just yeah. You can have it. And then you these are the what's your name bro hat.

Let me see. Oh, okay. This is this is from your show.

This is

from the show. Wow. So I don't know. You feel free to give it to somebody else.

No. This is beaut I'm gonna wear this. I rock this. You know what's

so funny? Just the lighter so I don't have to block for the whole episode. Okay. You have to block that? Yeah.

YouTube.

Yeah. Go ahead. Express yourself. Can you, hit me a little song there?

Do you want like inspirational piano music or what do you want? Inspirational piano.

Yeah.

Okay. Let's see. No. Wait. I have another 1.

No. We like that.

There are times on the podcast when I'm sick and tired of the Spaniard's bullshit, why can't we fire him? Are we waiting for him to be deported? He's worthless, A disgusting porg of a man.

Thank you. Great.

Thank you. Thank you.

You you like my sound effects? I really like his shit. Thanks, man. Very good. You know, usually, sound effects don't get involved.

You know

what I mean? But I was I thought this is the right time.

Sometimes you

gotta I thought, like, it was very appropriate. Is this song?

Oh, yeah.

Oh my god. Here we go.

Yeah. You turn this up.

Oh. Let's go.

Yeah. Yeah. The Badger's podcast. Why is Bobby Lee accusing me of being on drugs? Do you wanna do some of this?

Yeah. Or do

you wanna try it out? Okay.

You could

try it out. Just get it close to your mouth.

I know how it works.

What? Doesn't sound like it. Yeah.

Now I know how it works.

Put away the other mic. I know

how it

works. Sick.

You little fucking Italian bastard. Bulgy eyes, big teeth. Just like a cartoon character from Disney.

It's fun, isn't it? No.

That's your noon day.

You wanna try it? You wanna try it?

Oh. 0 my God.

You gotta get closer to it. You gotta get closer and closer to it.

You gotta get closer to

him. Oh.

Here we go.

I never wanna give it back. Oh my god. He's killing it.

Everything inside of me not to lick your sack. You got a great sack for Jay.

That's great. It's Beautiful Bay. There it is.

I'm sick of this Asian next to me.

It's fun, dude. It's fun. Pretty fun.

Real fun.

Dude, that's so

Really fun.

Alright. So what I

so what I said was to to Morgan before the show, I said I said, dude, I love what you do. Yeah. I said, but you've also done a a a disservice to our comedy world because he's so good at this Mhmm. And so it's so wonderful. I see people copy him online.

We're talking about there's people in other countries who are doing this now Mhmm. As stand ups Mhmm. Trying to be him. Mhmm. And they're fucking terrible.

There's a port there's a guy from Portugal doing it, a guy from Germany doing it, Russia. Like, these different countries are French. Stinks.

It's so weird. They're, like, they're trying to do this thing, but it's so bad that it bums me out because I'm it's almost like you wish you could copyright your style. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Because because because whenever somebody if you're weird and you suck, but you're unique, I like you.

Yeah.

I said

that to him. I like it. But if you're weird, but I know you're doing a impression of another guy, can't fucking stand it. Mhmm. But,

I mean, you know, some people accuse me of being like a kinda like a poor man's little dickie sometimes too. I get that a lot. You know? Like Only because you have curly hair, bro. But we also do the auto tune stuff and Yeah.

But Dave but Dave is

you know, I've met him 3 times. I feel like I botched the every the meeting every time.

You know what? Let's get to this.

Well, he's I

wanna I wanna Jewish. I wanna get to this part of our personality. Italians. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. That's a problem.

This part of your personality.

Is it why does it feel like you're like, I'm coming in here, and I'm I'm a have to defend myself.

To me?

Mhmm. No. To to him. Like, right across from you. I feel like I gotta defend myself.

He's always shooting. What? The kid's shooting. What is

it? I can't even. Were I can't believe

I'm nervous, dude.

You're Well, you dude, this I can't even

Don't don't I make you feel comfortable?

You made me feel comfortable. See?

Why are you shooting so hard at him?

I'm not shooting hard. I can't believe what's going on right now. What's going on? I can't even believe. I can't I'm rattled, dude.

You know, here's Carlos called it. Thank you.

What is it? You

get rattled when when a when it's a hot guy. You don't You don't. Yes. He does, bro. Really?

Yes. He always does. Tell me I'm lying.

I don't think he's hot. You're so full of shit, dude. Shut the fuck up. That's insane. You a 100% That right there is a grave injustice.

You wouldn't hook up with him? Right.

This right here is You wouldn't hook up with him. In what context? Exactly. Schindler's List? Yeah.

He's not. Did he never In in

a Schindler's List context where I'm in a camp, maybe. Yeah. You know what I mean? But no other context. Mamistad, maybe.

In an Amistad contest, we're in the bottom of

On the boat. That's

fine. On the boat, we're rowing.

You're you're

well. You're not rowing. What? You're not rowing.

Well, I'm you know where I'm at.

You're in the you're in the coal room.

No. I'm rowing, but I'm at the strongman row team where I don't have to do much.

You

I just put my hand on the thing. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go. I'm just kinda going

We're keeping time.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That.

You're doing the drum. What's that?

You're doing the drum.

Yeah. That's not Do This ain't this isn't Fury Road.

Okay.

You know You know what I mean?

Where I'm I'm fucked with

that would've flipped Fury Road.

Alright. Sorry. Hey.

I fuck you in Fury Road.

So what what did what did you wanna what did

you wanna bring up?

Yeah. What was it? It wasn't being aggressive, dude. It was just an observation. I'm so sorry that maybe I maybe I do come across that way.

No. No. No. No. I'm I'm rejected.

No. No. No. Let me change my attitude. Shit.

I think you're right. So let

me start over. Alright. Here we go. Yeah. Go ahead.

Hey. What's up? What's up, man? What's going on? Thanks for doing it.

Oh, I'm so

you know what this But but what no. I'm talking. Hey, man. See, that's what it is. I think it's him.

Did you see that? No. No. No. Andrew, no.

Andrew, please back me up.

Okay. Okay. Hold on. Please be real. Can I ask you a question first?

No. Make make a comment about my observation just now.

He he he's he is he is excited to be here.

I am. Yeah. So nervous.

Can I tell you something? You don't know this? You don't remember this.

I I

think I know what it is.

What is it?

It's the 4 finger point.

No. No. It's not that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Point with 1 finger. Don't go with 4 because it's dominating.

No.

You you go,

like, can I tell you something with 4? I don't like it. I had

2 encounters with you. That's 2 2

fingers now.

2 fingers is fine.

So I once was

in Venice. It was on Abbot Kinney, and I saw you walking down the street. This is, like, a year or 2 ago when I wasn't having the blow up. Right? And I go, oh, Bobby Lee.

What's up? You know, my buddy, Mark Smalls, he's, like, play he plays games with you and stuff. And and you were, like, are you a funny guy? Are you funny? Are you like, you were, like, you were, like, you were, like, seeing if I was

That sounds

exactly Are you funny? And and then you, like, you, like, grabbed me a little bit, like, tell somebody, like, kept walking. And I was like, okay. Alright.

Yeah. And

then and then, the second time I was at the improv

I can't

I can't

believe this. This no.

This is This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. I can't believe this.

The second time

Wow. Keep continue, friend. It was

it was

at the improv, and I and I was so excited because we're in the same lineup. And he was coming in the in the the green room, and he goes, oh my god. You're so talented. Do you fuck a lot when you're on the road? Like, that was exactly it was, like, how quick it came.

So it was, like, very quick, like, boom. And I was like, oh, shit. And I really wanted to, like I don't know what the you know, it was, like, I wanna give you the right answer. I don't know what the right answer was.

Right? That's how he operates.

You must fuck a lot. Right? You're a good looking guy.

I never said No. I'm I'm me.

You're a no. I'm I'm you. You're me.

Oh. I alright. Such a talent. Hold on. I'm not done.

I gotta be you. Hands up. Go back up. Back up for a second. I gotta be you real quick.

Get those eyes

on. Get my

Wide eyes. Wide eyes. There you go. Alright. Go ahead.

I oh 0 my god. You're so you're so terrible. You're such a Oh, thank you.

You give me a

lot of

I do auto tune.

The sheer disrespect. I do a lot

of audio. That's that's why and and and I've seen how Bobby isn't on on

on on Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Second, you

know Oh, yeah.

Go do it over. Do it again. No. No. No.

No. No. Because I have another line. I wanna go.

Let me Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

You need the mic.

Anyway But you did say that

to him for sure. That sounds

No. Because people make exaggerations about my my encounters with them. Mhmm. I'm being real.

You think you're Bill Murray or some shit or what? Isn't it Bill Murray? He does that No.

What I'm saying is people go, oh, I met Bobby Lee. He did this. I never did that.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? So it's like, I don't know. I don't remember those ancestors. Remember it. But Well, I remember it probably different.

Yeah. And that's the thing about storytelling. You know, that that's the thing about you know, you ever see the movie Rashomon?

Yeah. Rashomon. You know what I mean?

Is that Rashomon where it's like it's it's 4 people 3 people telling the story of 1 thing

Yep.

From their all their different points of views. Yeah. Okay? So in this Rosham in context, right, my point of view is this. I saw you in vet in in on at McKinney.

Yeah. Right? And I go, oh, he's cool. And I go, how's comedy going? That's how I remember it.

And then in the improv, this is how I view it. I go, oh, I love your shit online. You go, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And and then you go, you said I get a lot of girls, and I go, oh, that's cool because that happens when you rise. That's my point of view.

That's how you Yeah. Yeah. That's how you thought it happened?

That's how I know it happened in my point of view. Yeah.

There was another time at the store too that I'm recalling.

You can go to you see, now go ahead.

Where well, I was just trying I've said hello to you because I just assumed somebody like you wouldn't remember who I am. Mhmm. And and so

he's got a great memory.

Yeah. He does. The kid's

got a memory like a fucking elephant.

And so I I said, yeah. I think my buddy, Andrew Lopez, did, did your podcast, and, I don't know. I I don't know. You also, like I think you asked again if I was funny or not because we didn't know you. I don't think you knew who I was, and he kept asking if I was funny.

You you are very funny.

Yeah. But Bobby didn't dude, dude.

This is a key case of this is confabulation. Confabulation.

You are an Italian master. You look like a sick Talia Shire from the godfather movies.

I really

like you, though.

I really like you too. God. It's beautiful. W. Wow.

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That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code bad friends at dotcom. We met only 1 time.

Right? We did, we did a show in Venice many, many years ago and started this backyard

On a backyard.

It was a big show. It's a guy Ben Blanchard. I was running there.

Stink because Andrew doesn't do backyard.

This is a long time ago before he was a

Isn't that interesting? Director. First of all, he's done a backyard show. Okay.

I thought Ricky's great. Thank you, bro. That was really

That's also a crazy lie. During COVID, I did outdoor shows Yeah. All the time. I did 1 you know the kid there's a kid on the east side who had a show and had a tree house in his backyard. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yes. I did that. You never you you never you don't know. Santa Monica or what? Santa Monica.

No. Santa Monica was right. Yeah. No. No.

No. There's I guess there's

a lot of tree houses on

the east side.

I can't see you going to Venice to do a back This

is a long time ago. Brother, before This was, like, pre 20 like, 18 or something.

Back in the day, I went everywhere. I used to drive down to fucking I used to drive down to Dana Pointe to 2 shows. Dana Point. Okay. You know where that is?

I love it. You don't know where that is?

I don't know where it is. No.

It's the last city before you get to the military base on the way to San Diego. I used to drive down there. I used to drive to fucking Orange County all the time for shows, man. I'd put in the fucking work. We weren't all Mad TV kids that got to just do the store all the time.

Oh. Some of us had to fucking

Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

Some of us had to grind.

My my my defenses are coming up. Lower it, dude. I'll be a nice guy. Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Touche. Thank you. Really great tour. We woke up went to Australia. No.

I'm not talking about that.

Talk about that today? Uh-uh. My brother's really excited. I'm on the podcast. He listens to the podcast.

What's his name? Jack. Shout out to Jack. Mhmm.

I'm not gonna tell you how he described the podcast, but he's excited about it. What did he say? He said, yeah. I like that pock I can't tell you.

You're really You have to tell me.

Is you're like

Yeah. Go ahead.

With the Irish dude and the fat Asian guy. Oh. That's what he said.

That's the alternative name for the show. The Irish dude

and the fat Asian guy.

Not fat anymore? Not fat anymore? That's what he said. Zempe is is cooking for

He loves the Ponca.

Yeah. You know, it's so it's so fun because it's here's what's fun about life. I just can't believe it.

What can't you believe? I mean, it's just like lie. You'll never meet the guy. Lie. Lie.

No. You have to tell the truth. Yeah.

Yeah. It's always funny. Yeah. It's an incredible. But, wow.

Okay.

Next time you cough into the mic, put it on the auto tune. Okay. I wanna hear auto tune cough. You're sick of you, aren't you? I thought you guys make fun of each other on this podcast.

We do. We do. Yeah. We do. We do.

That's our whole podcast.

Now so far now so far, you know, you've done other podcasts, and you thought you did bad on the other pod. Yeah.

How do

you think you're doing on this 1?

I don't know, dude.

No. No. Be honest with me. How do you think you're doing?

I think I'm doing mid.

I think you're doing very great. Yeah. You're fantastic. Oh, that was great. Yeah.

See if it gets released. I know. That is that's a guy crap. Yeah. That guy could not release it.

He's the guy. Really? Yeah. He's our little magician. Yeah.

I think you're doing a great job.

Thanks, man.

Yeah. And, welcome.

Thanks for having me. It was awesome.

You're welcome. Alright. So let me ask this. Let's move on from the vasectomy thing. I wanna because you brought talking points, and I'm you had a colonoscopy on Friday.

Yeah. Your father had Yeah.

You died of colon cancer.

God. I'm a star.

How old were you? 6.

6 years old. So it

was, like, 31 years ago? Yeah. Wow, dude. Wow. Yeah.

And then my I got my mom remarried. My stepdad has Parkinson's. Is that what? 30 years. Yeah.

Maybe it's you.

That's it. You know what, dude?

I'm sorry. No problem. It just came out.

I know that, dude. I apologize. When you said that Uh-huh. It rang true with me. It did you know what, dude?

It rang true with me. I didn't wanna say anything. Yeah. I wanna say that earlier. Yeah.

Could be he he bad luck.

Or the war could be the Vietnam War and Agent Orange. I don't know.

That could be it too.

Interesting. You could bring it back to the Yeah.

Asian shit. Yeah. Yeah. Very Vietnam War. Dude.

Very interesting you did that. Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah. Maybe it's COVID.

What's next? What'd you have for lunch? Panda Express? I'm gonna cut it out too.

Yeah. Yeah. Cut it out.

Wait wait a minute. How old is the gentleman Parkinson? He's, 77. Terrible. Oh, 70.

Yeah. And and this guy is was your dad.

He Basically. Yeah.

He raised you.

Just more or less. Yeah. Yeah. Her verbose.

And and is he are all his functionality is is still there, or is he kind of

You know, on good days, it's like it's you know, he just has slow speech, but, you know, on bad days, it's like he's not talking at all. And, man, and it's just like

Oh, that's terrible.

Slow slow slow blings. A lot of coughing at the, at the dinner table and stuff like that.

It's funny when people bring up, stuff like that. I I tend to laugh, but it's not I'm not mean. No. It's It's just a defense mechanism.

I understand.

Like, Ramsay at the Comedy Store, his dad's losing his mind. Yeah.

You know

what I mean? When he first told me, he goes, my dad's, like, losing his mind. And that you know? You know what I mean? I was like, you know, that was like my first that's because I just can't deal with it.

Like, if

I'm at a funeral

your instinct.

If I'm at a funeral, I'm gonna laugh. Like, 1 time my brother had a funeral, right, and we heard a knock. And I go, look. Auntie, hon is trying to get out. And then my and then my brother and I started laughing, like, uncontrollably.

Yeah.

So it's just in, you know, in uncomfortable situation

I'm looking back at him. He's looking at me.

I love you, dude. Yeah.

I was really nice.

Yeah. I love you, dude. Yeah. Dude, you and I, we should have been pals long ago.

Let's play some Fortnite together or Call of Duty or something.

Yeah. Yeah. War zone or something.

Where'd you grow up? Jersey. About an hour outside of New York. Love a Jersey kid. I was in I was in a freshman where were

you at 911? High school.

High school? Yeah. Me too.

1 of my 1 of my favorite classes too. What class was it? Spanish. Spanish. Yeah.

I was fucked up my Spanish class.

I was at I was at English class. Were you? And I and we had people in our town that worked in the World Trade Center area. I remember the I remember the girl right behind me broke burst into tears and ran out of the room because they showed her. They were just, like, on TV.

It was crazy. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. What are you talking about?

911. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that in your topics?

No. It wasn't, but I don't know. I'm I'm running around list now.

No. I mean,

it was it was That was very good. I feel like that was on the list. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This is kinda wild. Yeah. This 1 says promote Hamas. Wow.

Yeah. Well, okay.

Go ahead, brother.

Yeah. Go ahead, dude.

Yeah. That's on you.

It's a good platform.

Yeah. I guess.

Yeah. Yeah.

This one's Here we go. There we go. Here we go. There we

go. Yeah. Keep going. Keep going. Right the middle right the middle of Haman.

Come on.

Yeah. Right the middle. Really good, though.

Will Will you once will you once no. No. Once grab it, will you just say will you sing sing al Akbar once in there just a few?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hamaz ala ala Akbar.

Yeah. Out of context, this

is gonna be terrible. It doesn't matter.

I want that as my ringtone so bad. No. Okay. Hold on. This this is good.

Went to private members club at in Disneyland. 33. You went to club 33.

Yeah. I went there. My ref's coming in there.

You know what's fun? Get get a pea couple of piece of paper. We're gonna write some lines. He's gonna

sing them. Yeah. McCone gets a

If it's too much, you

know what

I mean? Yeah. That's why this is why this is This is fun. This is fun.

Yeah. Let's do this.

Yeah. You did so you felt like you bombed meeting little Dicky for real?

Yeah. So the first time, I was like he just moved to Santa Monica, and, this is before the show and everything. We're at the California Chicken Cafe on on, Lincoln Boulevard.

He loves that place.

And I go in there and I go, oh, little Dickie, man. Hey. You're so great, man. If you're ever looking for somebody to do, like, a hook or something, it was really nice. He's like, actually, man, I'm just trying to do, like, real rap right now.

But was like, if you put your mind in anything, you really can achieve, like, your your dreams or some shit. He said some shit like that.

You want me to call him and

No.

No. No. No. Rectify everything?

Do you know why? Because I feel like he he's like I really think he's an amazing artist. Yeah. And I feel like he would what he sees as me, what what I would do, and I'm probably projecting as I'm just being charismatic with auto tune. And I don't and I think the 2 things are so different.

You know?

But the 2 things are inherently different, so they can't be compared. I suppose. That's like saying we'd both do amplification of voices Yeah. Microphone. We're all it's a you're still different.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But he he he is he's someone that if you're good, respect he likes hope so.

Yeah. I hope I hope he doesn't think I'm

I'm gonna text him

this thing and

ask him if he likes you.

Oh god.

And he's like, don't fuck with that guy.

You have no contacts for it.

You got some of yours already? I only have 2. I only got 2 as well.

Let's just do 2.

I I I can't think of any.

Oh, you can think of another 1. Yeah. You're creative.

Sing about the idiots in the booth real fast.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got some dummies. We got some dummies in the boozled.

I think they have tiny penises. They support Hamas.

The ones I have aren't probably even good.

These are you're good.

It's so Gucci. Yeah. All bad friends.

Can I ask you a question? When you're on your show, does and people don't sing, you know, sometimes Yeah.

I get upset.

It's upsetting to me when I'm watching it. Yeah. It's like, give it a go at least.

But I'll tell you what. What? Those people who give me pushback Yeah.

And then there's

a couple clips where we've gotten them to sing. The the the joy that reverberates in the room when we get somebody to, like kinda like this exposure therapy to, like, sing and come out of your shell and Yeah.

When you crack somebody.

When you crack somebody and they smile and the whole room smiles and I mean, it's and for me, it's exciting. You know? I was, you know, I I I got I was doing stand up for, like, 6 years, and I was I was doing okay, but I just kinda got bored with it and Alright. There. Pow.

Damn, dude.

That worked. I've thought I can't believe I've remembered how to make a paper airplane. There you go. Ross Hentries. We are paper airplane.

Oh,

there you

go. Hello. What are you?

Hello. Everybody. We are paper airplane all the way from Pusong, Korea. Everybody. Yo.

Can we name our group?

Our first yeah?

Paper airplane is

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We are Here we go.

Paper airplane.

Fly, fly, fly all over the world.

Paper airplane coming still, yo, girl.

Yeah.

You're really good,

though. There you go. I have 3. And if they don't

Yeah. If they don't work

is this okay. It's on.

If they don't work, you just don't like it.

I'll make it I'll make it work.

He'll make it work a 100%. You

do have

Yeah. Yeah.

I went to so many ditty parties. Can we freak off? Alright. Good 1. What's the next 1?

You know what I like? Like? I like the taste of children's talk. Put those little beans in my mouth. Put some ditty oil on that.

Get it nice and slippery.

Yeah. It's so good.

Finis should take it home. Yeah.

Where was it? Okay. Where was it? Where's the 1? I guess where the where was the They're probably combined probably in those.

Sitting up. Oh. 0, no. Check it. -My heart.

So good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bobby, where are you from?

What's your

San Diego. Background. Korean. Ching ching.

Ching

ching

ching. Hong Kong fried rice.

Yeah. Next 1.

Next 1. Does anybody know some dwarves here? Does anybody

know some

dwarves in the room? Anybody know some dwarves? Because did you know know that when dwarves fart, they fly just a little bit? Did you know that if you get a seahorse and you put it and you with a dwarf, you got ocean cowboys, Oh, it's so good. Swimming through the ocean.

Oh. How do dwarves touch themselves? I always think about that when I see them. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. Bro. Very good. Very, very good.

Very good.

Did you

write the dwarf cowboy, this little 1?

No. That was he added

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Do you guys feel like like from this point, like, you've you've achieved everything you wanna do? No. Yeah. I'm good. I'm out.

I'm I feel Yes. I I I feel I felt, bro, I felt good last year. I was everything at this point is just, like, extra for me. I'm just kinda, like, happy.

You know? I think we've always said, like, as soon as we could employ and have fun with our friends, that like, we beat the system. Yeah. We can, like, work without like, literally, everybody in here is a friend of ours from many years ago except for 1 guy that's newer, But we still love but, like, that guy is my oldest friend in Los Angeles. Like and we work together.

I've known him for a very long time.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

But we our goal was just if you could work with your friends

Yeah.

And make shit. That was like, can we do that all the time? Yeah.

Yeah. It really is. This year is the first year I started bringing my, like, openers and friends with me, and it's The fucking best. It's really been a whole

Let's call dumb, though.

No. We already know because I did it with a friend of mine, Benny and Bazuna.

Because dumb is

We were, like, all over

the whole

I like Benny here. Yeah.

Benny and

He wrote on Dave.

Yeah. Yeah. Benny and great. And we we, we were just kinda all over the place, and it wasn't editable. So we just I just did it.

I'm gonna lie. You're not with me.

Okay.

Okay. Just watch this.

They're old friends, so this will be

No. No. Watch.

You are, I'm saying.

I'm old friends. Yeah.

Yeah. It'll be worth it.

Is he still mad at you?

Well, we'll find out.

What up?

Yo, dude. What's up? So it's so crazy, dude. I ran into fucking Morgan j.

Yeah.

And he

was like, yo, dude. That motherfucker dumb made me do his podcast twice. It was fucking bullshit. And I'm like, no. Seriously, what the fuck happened, dude?

Nothing happened, man. He just did it because the feed did the first podcast, and it was bad.

Like, what the fuck happened, though, dude?

He's not really a great podcaster, so it just I I just didn't get any good things. So because he was also with my other comedian home. He bit bit him. Yeah. And they were, like, not riffing well.

So I got them on again.

How do you do the second time?

I thought he did great.

The second was better, so I'm glad we did it again.

Yeah. Good. Good. Good. Yeah.

Do you think we should have them on our show, Morgan?

Yeah. For sure.

Why? But really, though? Why? Yeah. Because I've heard bad things from Whitney stuff.

You know, other people have said it. Like, that he's not like, he's stiff, and he doesn't know how to he doesn't know how to add information. He's a kind of a diva. Is he a diva? No.

He's not

a diva. I mean, he's definitely making noise. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, when you look at him, doesn't it not look like a rat to you? Like, it was this fucking teeth and the the way his face just comes out like a rat. No.

Be I'm being real.

Is Morgan there or what?

I'm right here, bro. There I'm

on the podcast right now.

I was

I was nervous about how I'm a bad podcaster.

I fucking knew it, you fucking prick.

Yeah. He's good. Dude, no. He's real good. No.

Because you

even said I mean, if you you were like you you were self aware. Yeah. We remember There are times I do podcast. I'm like, that was I was fucking terrible. Yeah.

I even said I

was like, I don't know how you guys are gonna edit this together. This is

I'm not into good I shouldn't have done it.

It's crazy how you came right from doing your own podcast. You just, like, doing podcast. Do you have 1 after this?

No. No. No. Why? We just we do that shit all the time.

This is exalt like, I tried to do a podcast, but it wasn't in me. I'm more I'm I'm trying to do the live streaming stuff.

I'm trying

to be like Kaizen.

See, I don't wanna do live streaming.

Well, I here Not really. We don't here's the what works for us. Yeah. We just absolutely do not prepare anything.

That's right.

Yeah. You were mad You were mad at this list And I

remember We just kinda just show up and, like, you know, because do it, and sometimes we don't ever.

Some of us prepare.

Yeah. What do you mean?

You're we have stuff slotted for the show. Sometimes it's better not to prepare.

That's right. Yeah. Well, that was fun. Like, that little thing we did about we didn't know we were in good.

Depends on it depends on what show. But sometimes we have to prepare. Yeah. Yeah.

But, like

I mean, you must

have some guests who you think are gonna be, like, pulling teeth. Right?

No. Like, a lot of times, I'll coordinate with these guys on bits that we're gonna run on the show. But Bobby will Bobby Bobby is a, it's like a hidden camera show for him. He's never he's you know what I mean? Mm-mm.

Like, he gets to show up in your he's always the fucking bit. Yeah. But that's the beauty is that we tee you up to fly free. Wonderful.

Do you

not know that we do work behind the scenes?

I understand that you do work. Like, so why

are you

here's the video that we're gonna watch. But what I'm just saying in general about, like, how we're gonna open or the things that we even said in the first 45 minutes. We didn't plan.

No. We did not.

None of it.

That's right.

Yeah. We just kinda ride the wave, and sometimes the wave isn't rideable.

Yeah. It's just a it's a swell.

It's a swell. It's a 1 footer, dude. Yeah.

It's a 1 footer, and then sometimes we go, we can't release that footage. Yeah. I get it. You know?

You can't get yeah. You can't put on for

1 footer, dude. You know, can I just say that your it's like your eyebrows have, like they're like Hitler mustaches?

Got them done. Okay. Right before this. I literally was like I like I like cleaned myself up, but

they're, like, literally short. Are they usually longer? Or

No. I mean, if I didn't do anything, it'd be a unibrow for sure. Are they threaded?

Do you get them threaded?

I get them threaded. Yeah.

I had a nice

nice girl from Bangladesh did it for me.

You know about that threading?

Oh, yeah. No. We yeah. I have seen it.

I prefer that to the, the,

Kalila, I used to take her to the threading place.

Yeah. Yeah.

I see you see them do it. They thread.

You've never had to trim

your eyebrows. You've

never had to do trim your eyebrows?

No. Yeah. I've never trimmed anything except for my mustache.

Oh, yeah.

How often do you do that? Once a month?

When I can taste my hair, then I cut it.

What does it usually taste like?

Well, I sometimes I go, wow. This pastrami sandwich is rough. And I go, oh, my little mustache is getting into the you know what I mean?

Dude, when you guys have a slice of pizza, like, do you smell it afterwards for a little bit, like the cheese?

I'm a germophobe. I wash my face. I just want you to know. I know I sound I've I'm not, like, a contagious person. I know Andres is any is sick anyway.

He comes into the studio sick every fucking week every

week. Sick a lot when you tour?

No. We didn't get sick at all. The that Australia, we didn't get sick.

No. I don't get sick much. I have a good immune system, but he does he does bring his bullshit ass baby, and his fucking wife works in the hospital. Yeah. So this motherfucker brings shit in here every week.

I'll immediately be like, oh, you've been sick, and I'll go, you're sick. And then what do you say every time I go? Are you sick? What do you say?

I was.

I was. I'm over it. Yeah. He's always over it. So the day that he gets healthy is we pod the next day.

Just a coincidence that he's always just over it.

I get it. It. The fucking liar.

Yeah. Call him a fucking dirty, sick liar. He's a dirty Spaniard liar. Yeah.

You're a dirty fucking Spaniard. You fucking colonizer. Fuck you and your

Fucking love you. Thank you.

Do girls, when you're with the if you're with them, do they want like, you're in the hotel or whatever, do they want you to turn that shit on then?

Have you ever done that before

saying to a girl?

When you're singing

And I've never whipped that out and sang while you're in the hotel. No.

No. But I with my guitar saying, how are you?

Oh, really?

Yeah. Can you imagine getting head while you're like, oh, yeah.

Yeah. 1 time I so I met I just I met this girl in Cleveland. Right?

Chicks have to love that shit, though.

They love it.

I'm a

goofy guy. They like a goofy guy.

Yeah. Nah. You're a handsome cat, though, too. So how do how do you break that up when

you're on the road?

Am I fat? No.

Like your brother said? No.

You've been thinking about that. You're not.

Yeah. I've been thinking about that whole time.

You're down literally, you're down 6 times.

But you no. Yeah.

Am I not,

like, your brother said No. Really not. You're stout. Asia's head.

That's what

he said. You're fat Asian guy.

Stout, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not stout.

No. He means you're stocky. Look at that. Lift up your shirt.

You're not fat. You did not. No. You lost weight, bro.

Yeah. It's so hot. You'll see.

I don't do, You know you you know

what I've been saying in Australia the whole time? Morgan Jay, if I may.

Yeah. Okay? Yeah.

It's this it's kind this kinda bullying shit. It's this shit right here, dude. It's dude, it's no. It's this shit. No.

In the car in the car, he can't. No. No. No.

I'm gonna get jacked. I'm gonna get jacked.

I said ripped.

Ripped.

Yeah. Yeah.

You can do it.

And this guy and this guy Ken. Cackled

No.

Like a hyena in the night, dude

Hilarious.

In my face. And I you know what I said to him? I kept saying to all these guys, you'll see because I love a challenge.

You can do it. Mhmm.

I love a challenge.

You can do it. Right? Yeah.

Yes. I what? I believe in you. I I I am gonna do it.

The power of, like you can do it, bro.

Everyone I don't think you could

get jacked because you're 60 or something. So Yeah.

So but I but

I think you get fit. Fit is different.

He said he's gonna get jacked. I don't think you get, like,

ripped jacks. Correct. What whatever you do, no matter how ripped you get Thank you. It's gonna be, like, a little bit Literally proving my point. Little bit looser,

but Verbatim what I said in Australia. Oh, so

he said Verbatim. But you'll be, like, ripped healthy.

Yes. Healthy. Makes sense. Correct.

Thank you. Even, like, a 50 year old who's ripped, there it's you're gonna be like

Bring up RFK Junior with the shirt off. This cat is in unbearably good shape, and you'll never get near this. And he still looks kind of fat.

The Rock is 50.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. But The Rock is on Trent or something.

Yeah. He's on yeah. He's on you. So zoom in. Look.

Look. He's in phenomenal shape.

You don't think I can look like that?

Dude. But, look. Look at it. His belly still is, like, loose because we're not young anymore. You're not a kid.

I

know that. I'm still gonna look like that's still me rip that's ripped to me.

Yeah. He is ripped.

Yeah. Yeah. And I can't get there. There's no You see, it's physiologic. There no.

Wait. You'll never

I I love those

fucking Yeah. Yeah. Dude,

you'll never be able to drive, like, a grasshopper, and I flaunt it with my

okay.

There's far too much fake sugar in the world.

I agree, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Take it out.

I I so everyone listening to now, you heard it first. Wait 6 months to a year. Let's do it. And then we'll see.

That'll be you. You'll end up you'll be like Alex Jones.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. I got fucking jacked as shit.

Frogs are gay.

You know, some some some people read the some women, like, like that build.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Dude. That's

a really good build.

My point. Women already like the way he is.

That's a good build.

He pulls beautiful women. So the change is weird. The same girls aren't gonna find you attractive. That's

Somebody said. I already told you. I'm fucking cornholio. Yeah. They're really funny.

I told you the wildest shit about this guy. Yeah. I I never tell you this story.

You met him.

This is my first time here, so I've heard no story.

No. But this did I ever tell this on there? No. The wildest story, dude. This is a while ago, me and Rogan and George Perez, and we're playing in Austin.

What's the club? Why can't I think of it? It's Cap City.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

The old 1.

Yeah.

And we're down there. And, the next morning, George George is like, you know, hey, bro. You wanna fucking get high as a motherfucker? And I was like, oh, yeah. Absolutely, dude.

Let's get ripped up and, like, go down by the ladybird lake or whatever. We get fucking stoned, and then Rogan is like, meet me at the 4 Seasons Hotel. We're gonna have we're gonna have lunch. Okay. We're or dinner or whatever.

Okay. And he's coming. He tells us when we're Oh, boy. When we're there. Oh.

And I was like, oh, shit. Alex Jones is coming to this fucking thing.

Are you are you is that like a, oh, shit. He's coming, or is it like

I'm fascinated with this guy. Okay. Okay. Great. Like like, he's not gonna talk to me.

I'm just gonna be near him at a dinner listening to chaos.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a piece of me that was like, this is a bad idea.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't wanna be fucking photographed with this fucking lunacy. But he's like, he comes to the dinner, and, he's dude, he showed there's, like, armed guards everywhere. And he sits down. We're outside on the patio surrounded by a bunch of people. And he like like I said, George and I are fucking baked, and we're just looking at each other because we're like, this is so strange.

And, he brought a girl girlfriend or some whatever. She'd be beautiful? I don't remember, ma'am.

She's just, like, a woman. I don't know.

But he's the whole time, he's, like, in the middle of conversations with Rogen. Like, deep. They didn't look at you know, he didn't look away from him at once. And he would be like, yeah. That that's and then you're the girl.

It's this is the girl that's with him. He'd be like, yeah.

So, Joel, that's a good that's the

thing that's going on.

It's like frogs are gay. That's an emulation of the child. Children are gonna be gay like frogs and be hot, bumping all.

And then he and then he would stop and go in the middle of it,

go, baby, baby, kissy kissy. No. No. That's so funny, man. Hand to God.

Baby, baby, kissy kissy. Oh my god. I love it. And she would give

him a kiss.

Yeah. And she she give him a

little kiss, and then he go, like, I said

2 maybe because kissy kissy means 2. Yeah. Kiss kissy kissy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

But he would he would skip a beat, dude. He'd go right back in a right back to Rogan and be like, that's the thing.

If they're licking frogs trying to get high until the side, then they're also gonna be gay, turning you gay, and you're kissy kissy kissy. No. My hand to God. Oh my god. It's such a great blow.

George Perez Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, we're fucking cooked.

Yeah.

So George was, I mean, so baked. We're dying laughing, and I can't look up. Like, I'm just Yeah.

Are you laughing? I'm trying to eat

mashed potatoes.

God. It's amazing.

Because I was losing my mind. It was so surreal. It was like 1 of those, like, I'm in a I'm in, like, a fucking curb episode. Do you know what I mean? I was like,

does he go licky, licky? Yeah. Let's sucky sucky, baby sucky. Oh, wow. That's where sucky sucky maybe came from.

Sucky. You know

what I mean?

Wow. The weirdest the weirdest thing was like a a and and

And what was 2 what was sucky sucky $2? Is that 50 years or a 100 years ago? Is

it still $2?

That's from a movie. Right? $2

sucky sucky. What?

Chinatown maybe? Like, inflation's gone up. You think

it's, like, $80 sucky sucky? Metal jacket. Right?

Is it $80 sucky sucky now you think or a 100? No. It's, like, a 140.

Pacific. And then it's a 100 40.

That was so sincere, dude. That it was so funny, dude.

Yeah. By

the way, I wanted to put this fact out there to the world because it shocked me. When did when did Picasso die? Picasso.

Was it was it Probably in the sixties?

In the eighties?

In the seventies.

In the seventies?

I was we're close. Yeah.

But I thought for sure it was before that.

You're probably

thinking of vintages. Seventies.

You're like Van Gogh? Van Gogh. Van Gogh? Van Gogh. Who the fuck is Van Gogh?

Van Gogh, but he's it's pronounced Van Gogh. Shut up. Look it up.

How do you I couldn't ask you about art.

Wait. But it's go, g o u g h. Right?

It's well, it's Dutch.

It's like Can I ask you about art?

Yeah. But we're not, bro.

That's true.

That's Van Gogh. Is is Keith Haring good?

You know my stance. What is it? No.

Have you seen the doodler, the doodle guy?

That guy's better than Keith Haring.

That guy is really great.

I fuck with that guy. Mister Doodle.

Yeah. Mister Doodles

I fuck with him.

He got

in the subway? He he painted his whole house. In doodles. It's crazy. Bring up mister Doodle real fast.

This dude is fucking incredible. Keith Haring was This guy is incredible. This guy is a magician. I've never seen someone so that.

And it's just like I don't know how it comes out of his brain.

It's all freehand. And it comes out perfect. Look at that. He just

Wow. That's so dope.

And he just did that with, like, paint and markers and shit.

Keith Haring. Keith Haring wishes he could do that shit. Yeah. Now bring up some Keith Haring bullshit. He's dead.

Right?

But the same could be said for what's his name? He did the the the canned tomatoes or some shit.

Andy Warhol.

Andy Warhol. No.

Don't ever don't ever bring his No. No. No. This is just light again. These

are different. These are different. Because Andy Warhol Andy Warhol look at the look. Look. Look.

Come on, bro. Please, dude.

I mean, he he it was about AIDS. He was doing this for AIDS.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what? No. He just happened to have AIDS.

No. No. He got it. Do it for AIDS. Oh my god.

I got AIDS.

I gotta do art.

What do you mean? We wanted to bring awareness.

Yeah. Right?

He went and got AIDS just so he could do the art. He was he was he's talented, but, also, like I don't know. It was it's fine.

Yeah. Interesting.

Oh, look. It's no starry night.

He looks like

he has AIDS right there. Yeah. Terrible, bro.

Look at that. He's like, I got

AIDS. No.

Uh-oh. Here we go. An 8 song.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you

got me on this podcast going, Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Geez. Basquiat, you like him? You know how I feel about Basquiat.

He's he's cool. Yeah.

Yeah. But, again, like, his shit isn't like, wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He's just cool. Yeah. This is the

problem. I fit this in cool artist. Like, well, that's cool, but I never go wow. I just go,

that's cool.

Yeah. But I see that on a that's, like, at a on a shirt at Target.

Yeah. No. Yeah. You'd be I mean, a great yeah.

What's your what's your Korean name?

Uh-huh. Chung. Okay. That's so funny. No.

That's not.

Jew that was a godfather theme?

You don't

you don't know you know what?

Chung? I don't think. Yeah. That's good. You don't know my Korean so hungry.

Yeah. Do it down

that little thing. Goby. That's it.

How do

you know?

Yeah. From Dom. Oh. What is your Korean name? He'll sing it.

Song Sang woo.

Wow. Wow.

How do

you get Sang woo?

I didn't my parents did it.

How do they get it?

What does it mean?

I think it means success. You're coming out of, like, a republic. Like,

what's that mean? Yeah. Yeah. What's that name mean?

It's Yi Sunghu is my

So when you Chinese people giving each other Wing long names and Ding Dong names

Oh, 0, did did they have it? They're like Yeah. Is there a website that has a definitely,

that's what that's what the name

of the Virginia Tech shooter.

Oh, Seung hoo. Seung hoo.

That's Seung hoo, not Seung hoo.

Pretty close. Seung hoo. Both songers. Yeah.

Yeah. Some songs songs of bitches.

By the way, you remember Wingdings? That's what that's what that Texas dude calls, any sort of Asian writing. That's all a bunch of Wingdings on the fucking wall, dude.

Bro, Korea is crushing it right now. I wanna go. In what way? Just culturally, they're just, like, exporting, like, like, exporting.

That's you. Sunghoon is the name? Who? H o 0?

Just h I don't know. H u? I don't know.

Not know your fucking

how does

that how to spell it.

They're dancing better. They're singing better. They're making fried chicken better. They're fucking crushing

it. Y'all be careful about that fried chicken shit.

Well, you know, GI's taught them how to make fried chicken. That is

true. Yeah. That is true.

Black GIs taught them how to do that. Yeah.

Korean fried chicken is bomb as fuck.

Yeah, bro. They're fucking crushing it right now.

Yeah. Film, they're crushing it.

I mean, look at the That was the biggest problem with Australia, by the way.

What's that?

Too many fucking whites. The food was dog shit.

Yeah. I just I always had Thai food when I go to these, like

Us too, but you run you kinda run out of it because even then, you're like, alright. Yeah. They the the there's too many whites. That is a worldly knowledge. If you have too many whites central core in your country and not enough others, you're fucked your food is fucked.

Shit. We had more bad pizza. Wasn't there

a comic who was like, if you wanna deport all the, people out of America, you shouldn't be allowed to eat their food? Like, whoever you wanna That's

a bit.

Whoever you wanna deport, you can't eat their their cultural food.

They don't have extra crispy, chicken at the Kentucky Fried Chicken Inn.

It's like South. It's like soggy.

Well, you

get the Kentucky fried chicken in Australia? Yeah. I heard

it was good soggy. No. Good?

The chicken They

said it was really good. The quality of the chicken is good, but they don't have extra fried it's gotta be crispy.

By the way, because the best and and they love KFC, but I think our best still to this day is Popeyes. I think Popeyes fucks the hardest.

So I

think it's the crispiest that we that we get in America.

Best fried chicken

you've had? In my life?

Yeah. They gave Chapelle's fried chicken.

The best fried chicken I've ever had was 1 1 of them was definitely at Chapelle's. Wow. We had chicken and waffles at, like, 1:30 in the morning. Oh, shit.

After we did Chappelle's, I couldn't move my neck, and my fucking heart was about to stop. Was this at his place? I couldn't go to club. I couldn't go to sleep because I'm Dude, I I thought

I was

gonna have

a heart attack that night.

It was

like Yeah. Yeah. He had, like,

a

world renowned chef after we did our show, and the show's done. We closed down. Everyone's, you know, party is over. He's like, we'll go have chicken and waffles. And I was like, where?

He's like, right there. And we walked into a room into, like, a private dining room. Wow. And they served us made to order waffles with homemade butter and syrup poured all over

the world. Incredible.

They're, like, beautiful fried chicken. Yeah. It was gorgeous. And then afterwards, he was like, let's go dance.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then it was like a night club. Yeah.

You gotta start dancing.

Fucking amazing.

So hanging out with him was pretty tight.

Did I talk Dave Chappelle is Willy Wonka of comedy.

He is. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He is the dream maker. He makes the Oh, yeah. It's it's it's unbelievable. His Aziz told a

joke about it. He's like, do you really not wanna hang out? You could you could go home, or you could say you hung out with Dave Chappelle or some shit. He could, like, Aziz was, like, had a joke about how you Yeah. He wasn't I don't know.

I'm No. But he but, honestly, he isn't he's like a dream man. Wow. Where there's guys where you're like, oh, is that would that be as fun to hang out with with Chappelle? He's

so generous. Fans.

You could tell you could tell when you watch them. I I always said that. Like, the comics that are really great are the ones you wanna hang out with after the show.

100%. Yeah.

You know?

He was like well, he had a store. He's like this beautiful store in town that has all the Chappelle gear. Wow.

And he was take anything you want.

He was going there and take anything, and we were like, no. No. We'll get a shirt or a hat. You know? And we walked in there, and the people working there were, like, bag ready bags.

We're like, okay, guys. Throw everything in a bag

that you'd like.

God. It was wild, man. Wild. I was like, oh, this is you're just you feel like you don't deserve it Yeah. Where you're, like, ashamed a little bit, but he's the you know what I mean?

I had to

say I'm jealous. I wanna do that.

It was fucking rat.

It was rats.

Well, I we we cried. Yeah. We cried.

We cried.

When we did

you bump it with him? No.

I don't I'm sober. But, well, you know, when we first saw him, we said we're gonna go back to the hotel. We got in the car, and we him and I both started crying.

That's true. Really?

Yeah. Because it was so cool.

Yeah. I've got picked us

up in his Jeep at the airport. He picked you up? Yeah. We go to private plane. Drove, and he picked you up?

He literally was leaning against the jeep and go, what's up, man? You know? And we got in as fuck. It was incredible.

We he flew us in his jet.

It was incredible.

And then he and then he met us at the airport. And he was like, well, there was a driver there that somebody had arranged, but then he was also there to say what's up and to say, like, good to see you. And then we thought, alright. We'll leave him alone. He's like Yeah.

Come in my car. And then we went in his car.

Is he, like, funny, like,

he's very intelligent. So the way he frames the world is just funny.

That's so cool.

He's the guy, dude. Yeah. He's Willy Wonka. To me, that felt like a day I felt like I was Charlie.

That's inspiring. I I I think Fucking awesome.

The whole goal of my life, right, and the whole this whole adventure that I've been on, and it's it's been quite an adventure Yeah. It's crazy. Is, you know, these tiny moments. It's not about, like okay. Here we go.

Adventure.

Yeah. Wait. Wait. Wait. Just get it

out first.

You'd get it out first because I like this.

Yeah. It's it's about, every year if something new happens, right, I think that's more important than success. Like, you know, like when we were in, that island and we saw the little quokkas and the the baby quokka coming out of the belly. And then, you know, I'm taking a selfie with the quokka and I'm like this yeah. Yeah.

It's a moment that I never planned. It was a surprise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And it was, memories. When you build memories, I think that's what the point of life is

I agree.

And experiences. And it's like, you know, the Chappelle thing was that that. And I think Chappelle. Some of the things we experience with

quokkas. Quokkas.

Yeah. And also, riding scooters in the park. Yeah. I did.

My bad friend.

Yeah. 14,000 seats. 14,000 seats. Sold out.

45,000 Australia.

Sucking in air through an asshole. Yeah. Just farting it out.

Yeah, dude. That's a memory. So memory. Australia. That's the whole point of life.

I think. Yeah. Don't you think?

Yeah. Let me do mine. Yeah.

Do the music. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I love that. Beautiful. It's beautiful, dude.

Yeah. Yeah.

At the Sydney airport, I had to go take a shit before our flight. And we were in a rush, and I didn't wanna be late to the gate because I had a I had a carry on bag, and I didn't want there to be no bin space. So I quickly got up after taking a shit a little too fast and leaned forward, and my penis brushed against the porcelain of the toilet seat.

Oh, no. Was your dick getting hard because of the dookie being too big?

That's the problem.

You know how your dick gets a little bigger sometimes? That's the problem. When you're taking a shit.

Yep. I was engaging my sphincter. My dick got a little thicker. I brushed it against the porcelain. Stood there for, like, an honest minute.

And now I'm a she.

Now he's a she.

My kids have 2 moms now. Yeah. At the cut I cut my penis right off at the Sydney airport. You'll find a little Cheeto in, stall 4 Sydney airport.

He's got a clitter dick. A clitter dick.

Yeah. K.

Remember I had a meltdown? Doing it every day? Yeah. No. In New Zealand.

No. Going to New Zealand.

Oh, yeah. Oh my god.

That was a meltdown.

You had it was pretty bad. It was pretty bad. It's farther away than you think it is. Like, oh, it's

a fucking endless dog.

Let me on

the plane. Perth.

They wouldn't let me on the plane.

Yeah. We went to Perth too.

No. They don't we almost didn't let us into the country.

Oh, really?

Because his passport was chewed up by

the skull. Because, well, not just any dog. The greatest dog alive. Yeah. Yeah.

And so my dog,

Snoop Dogg did it.

Yeah. Snoop Dogg chewed on my passport.

Hey, because. Give me that pass.

There's a couple of pages that with bite marks in it. And and we're about to go, and they're like, nah. You can't. You know what I mean? Might right?

And I go, what do you mean? You can't come into the country.

They wouldn't let him do the the biometrics?

Oh, they shot they

shot him.

So I just sat there while everyone got on the plane, and I was like, I guess and then I started having a meltdown.

Mhmm. You yeah. He was he was arguing with you.

You were alone? Did you guys just leave him there?

No. We had a tour

what about tour? We all had gotten on the plane.

Yeah.

He was last in the line.

No. Carlos no. Carlos stayed

with me.

He was yelling, Google me.

Yeah. Google me.

And he was counting down the minutes until when he was just gonna go back to LA. He started yelling 5

Really?

5 minutes. And then there was a I

embarrassed I embarrassed my friend doing something like that in Vegas.

Real meltdown?

Well, no. No. I went in meltdown, but I was, like, trying to use my status to get into this restaurant. What restaurant?

Which 1?

It was just in 1 of the it was, like, the Venetian. I forgot that. We we just wanna get food, and there was, like, it was, like, Friday night. And I was just, like, let let's just go here. And then it was all, like, young girls who were probably my demographic.

Sure.

Yeah.

And, I'm I'm just like, hey, guys. I'm on TikTok. You might have seen me. Like, if you're sure you don't want I, like, sold this place out. Like

Wow. Like, can you You did that?

Yeah. I did that.

I love it.

And he goes he goes, bro, that was just gross. That was gross.

I know. When you Bus your boy.

My buddy Chris he he we started commenting.

I like that.

He was like, that was gross.

I like that.

But then my reps got me in a reservation at Carbone, and he goes, that was pretty cool. It worked. He's like, yeah. That was cool.

Mhmm. Yeah.

Anyway, sorry to interrupt you. I interrupted you and told my story. No. No. No.

That's the guest. So Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You should've went up my story. Yeah. Pretty cool stuff.

Yeah. Did you end up at Carbone?

I did. You ended up on

Air New Zealand. We ended up

we ended up getting in there.

Well, you wanna wrap it up then, sweetheart?

Yeah.

Let's you know what? Let's end

this Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Can we end Wrap it

up wrap up wrap up the show with a song.

I'd like

that. Yeah. Bad friends. Time to wrap up the podcast. I had a good time talking with my best friends.

Yeah. Morgan j gonna come back again. Right?

Yep. Maybe. Right?

Maybe. Yep. Maybe. Yeah. I learned a lot about my friends here.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Right. Man, that's so good.