Transcript of #657 - Bobby Lee New

Today's guest is a stand-up comedian, a podcaster, and, uh, one of the heroes of my heart. This beautiful little lychee. You know, he's my good friend, and I'm so thankful to spend time with him. Today's guest is Mr. Bobby Lee. Oh no, leave that on. That shit's tough, dude.

It's heavy.

It is?

Okay, sorry. Heavy, dude.

You look like Daniel Day-Lewis a little bit.

Thank you, dude. You look like Idris Elba to me, dude.

You think so?

Yeah, dude.

Bring up Idris Elba.

Yeah, you know what Idris looks like, dog?

Just in the dick, you mean, huh?

No, your dick is medium. It's fair. Sav?

No, I got that limited cock, boy.

You got limited cock?

Yeah, dude. 1.5 bars, bro. That's a hit on this one.

Mine's a mini. Minion, dude. Yeah, you got that. Yeah, I got minion dick, dude.

Oh, I like that.

Horny as fuck, bro.

Hey, hard worker. They do.

Yeah, it's— they're, they're very hard workers. They have overalls, goggles. Yeah, bro, if your wiener's going in with goggles on, it's got the whole thing, dude.

You're a champ.

You're a champ. Hey, hey, dude, I can't say that.

But here's the rule: you could say it, I could say it.

That's my rule here. Well, I can say what? Oh, what can I say, dude? Oh, peace, peace, peace, guys.

Dude, bro, good to see you, man.

Let me get— let me just get in my zone, guy. Okay.

Yeah, you want to pray first? I'm happy to pray if you want.

Can I start?

Yeah, you want to pray?

Yeah. Do we have to hold hands? No, we can—

but I think if you— we can put our hands however you want. It will get warmer in here. I know it's cold.

Yeah, it's really cold. I feel like an Eskimo right now, though.

They're charging us more for heat. I think Israel's doing it.

Israel is definitely doing a lot of things. I mean, I mean, they're like, what do they do? Do you know? Yeah, right.

You know, say, you know, say, you know, say.

Yeah.

Um, yeah, let's do a prayer, man. You want to lead us in it, man?

Yeah, yeah. Um, but you know, when I do prayers, dog, look at me first before we even get into it. Yeah, for sure, man. Um, I don't like getting interrupted. Okay, so I like to finish what my prayer is gonna be, you know what I mean? And it may go long.

Okay. Yeah. No, dude, I'm just happy to be here with you today, man.

I love you.

I'm gonna give you a hug first. I love you.

Thank you for coming. Yeah, that's the truth, man.

That's the truth, bro. When the streets call me, bro.

When the streets call you, they call me. You know what I mean? We have the same color. Dear Heavenly Father, hold on. What do you need?

We're praying.

What are you doing?

Huh? Sorry.

Bear Dick, that's your new name, dude. Bear Dick.

Give it to him.

Really? Oh, love your type, Bear Dick.

What do you mean?

Yeah, he loves it, dude.

He likes women.

Yeah, he loves the chunk factor. You know what I mean? Because if I was gay guy, you know what I mean? You know, I've done some stuff.

Like, what are you talking— like, what do you mean, man?

I've licked a couple.

No.

Yeah, just like a, um, I just want— I want to know the flavor. Oh wow. Yeah.

What happened?

What do you mean, what happened? Or like, you know, what's the flavor?

Or— yeah, I don't want to know.

Yeah, I'm salty. Well, what do you mean?

What part do you like, the top or the bottom? Licking the bottom. Yeah, that's good.

Licking the top, dude. Ain't gay, it's just tasty. I mean, I don't know. It's omakase. You ever go to an omakase restaurant? You don't know what you're gonna get, dude. That's what I'm doing, doing omakase, right? And sometimes, dude, it's like I go to omakase with my girl, right? And there's certain things she just— I go, you have to eat it, you know what I mean? Like, what, uh, we went to, uh, you know, I've been in the jungle.

Where have you been? I did not know that.

Yeah, I've been in the jungle.

I mean, I know historically.

Look at my face. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean historically? No, I mean, I'm just saying, what do you mean historically?

I just mean like over—

yeah, I'm not Nam.

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Korean, dude.

I know.

Yeah, there's no jungles in Korea, dog.

I don't know.

When you say history, you do know. I'm saying historically, historically, you've been watching Platoon, you've been watching, you know what I mean, all kinds of movies like Hamburger Hill, Letters of Iwo Jima. Yeah, well, there's a jungle in the letters of Iwo Jima.

It's a good—

it is a good movie. Let's give Clint Eastwood a round of applause. Did he make that? I think so, dude. I think he made it.

I didn't even know that.

He made it when he was 116 years old. He's amazing. God, what amazing work. So anyway, I've been in the jungle, and when I say jungle, I mean Waikiki.

Oh, you were out there?

I didn't go in it, but I saw it, bro.

What were you doing out there, dude?

I was doing all kinds of shit out there.

Were you doing ayahuasca or something?

No, no, I was doing— no, I go out there vacation. And so, you know, you know, there's a lot of cool omakase restaurants there. There, right?

And what is omakase for people that don't know it?

Do you know it?

I think so.

Well then tell me about it. I, I think, uh, tell me, cuz I don't think you fucking know, dog.

Omakase. Well, hold on, let's sound it out.

Oma. Oma.

Kase.

Which is— oma in Korean is mom. Mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And kase is—

yeah, a house. Mom's house. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't know what— I don't know what omakase stands for, but I know what it is.

Okay. Omakase.

Okay, so do you know what it is?

I do not.

Okay, so an omakase restaurant is, um, it's a, it's a set menu. Yeah, right. And they feed you in order. They'll tell you what you're gonna get from beginning to end. And generally my rule, if I'm with a date, or, you know, I have a girlfriend now— what? Yeah, dude.

Whoa, whoa, dude, what's happening, dude?

So you're not—

so what are you gonna do? You're not gonna do what I do, dude?

You know what am I doing right now, dude?

Why are you doing— if you have a girlfriend?

No, I'm killing myself.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's omakase.

Yeah, yeah. I choke myself and I kill myself in the heart, dog. Okay, I ain't jerking off, guy.

Oh good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as you ain't jerking off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to do it 21 times a month though. That's what I heard.

Masturbate?

Ejaculate?

No.

Yeah, because you'll get, um, uh, testicular cancer. No.

Oh yeah, there's guys that like— some people, their eyes go bad or whatever.

Like mine, huh? Hello?

No. Anyway, um, you look like a bug that played for the Red Hot Chili Peppers right now, dude.

You look good. You look good. I look good, dude. Yeah. Yeah, looked real good. 100%. So a mikasa is like, um, set menu. So we went to one place.

You look like a fireman, like in San Francisco, kind of like a little bit, you know?

Yeah, I do, but I was over— I was in the fire. Yeah, right.

Or you just had something—

I got lost and I'm like in the fire, like I don't know what to do, that type. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you brought just a mouthful of water. That's the gayest thing, dude. If you— if you're at a fire and a like kind of a gay firefighter shows up, he just like is just spitting water out of his mouth or whatever.

You look like an albino raccoon.

Oh yeah.

Anyway, um, let me finish with the omakase thing and get to my point, dog.

Sorry, dude, I'm interrupting you.

Yeah, yeah, I do want to pray. So anyway, oh, we'll do the prayer later.

Doug Mai is officially mayor of Chinatown.

Chinatown.

Let's, let's go.

Can I finish my omakase or— Yeah, that's why I do this. What do we do?

Well, we're just bringing up information.

I understand that, but we're going into a thing and then you bring up some Chinese firefighter.

He brought that shit up.

Yeah, so the Bear Dick did that. Yeah. Oh, you're not Bear Dick?

That's Bear Dick.

Oh yeah, yeah. What are you?

Preemie Nick.

Nick was a premature baby and look how far he's gone.

Oh yeah. Did everything get mature?

I think my skull size is a little small, but everything else—

Yeah.

Anyway, he's 32 years old, but he'll never hit 9 months, you know?

So that's it. And we had this—

we forget, bro.

Let's— we forget, dude. Oh, we were at— so we're at this restaurant and, and they gave us the bones of a fish. And they flavored it like it was a potato chip, but it had the brain, like the eyes and the brain, but just the bones of the fish. No. And you had to eat it, right? And it's like, um, I ate it and I looked at her and I go, you just gotta eat it, right? So when a penis comes out, you kiss the tip. Oh yeah, that's basically why I— yeah, what?

You know, that's why I was—

well, that's what I told you before, that when I said that, um, I've kissed the tip of a penis you know what I mean? What do you—

Whoa!

Why'd he keep doing that?

It just makes it back on my neck hurt.

I know but this... Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, oh was— That's how we got to Omakase thing: "It's a flavor thing." Well if you went to Omakase whatever they gave you would eat right?!

Try it okay.

If they had penis then kiss it.

Is like glory hole for food or whatever.

Like ya yaya yaya yaya yaya. A glory hall fo'fo'food.

Looks like whenever there's something inside of there that's all you get.

Or well that's what you get yes so no matter what they give you you juh- Just because it's supposed to be like You know what I mean? Elegant, or you know what I mean? Avant-garde. Avant-garde. It's Epstein class. Yeah, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like off the Epstein tasting menu or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just like young fish or whatever.

No, no, no, please stop. Sorry, let's move on.

Let's move on. We'll take that out.

Yeah, yeah, maybe take that out. But, um, so basically, um, I don't know how I got into the pee-pee thing, but let's do a prayer.

But okay, no, but you said you had tasted a little wiener or something, or you had a little—

years ago I tasted the tip.

And one, was it on a— what type of person was it on?

Color?

Yeah, yeah.

Or style? Color. Can we go style?

Yeah, style.

Rave.

Oh, at a rave?

No, a raver.

A raver?

Yeah, yeah.

So you just took a nip off a little raver? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what you're saying?

Which— what you do. Yeah, cultural. Oh yeah, glow sticks. Yeah, you'd have glow sticks, right? Oh, and then you would, right? And yeah, and then every once in a while they just come out, right? And you take a little taste of the salty tip.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cultural.

So basically you've been on a couple major laser shows is what you're saying.

That's exactly, that's like exactly what I'm saying.

Just say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, say that.

You never kissed the fingertip?

Oh no, man.

Yeah. How about— yeah, have I— have you had opportunities to?

I mean, I've definitely— I remember when I was a child, you always try to get a real close gander at your own wiener, you know?

I don't know Southern language, dude.

But I'm just saying, describe it to me. Like, I'm sure if you're a kid, a lot of young— uh, we can't talk about children, but yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of people that haven't grown up fully will try to—

like, I've never tried it— we'll try to just— yeah, I never tried it.

I have— I never got— I never—

if I had been raised with yoga, right, and I could bend that way, you know what I mean? Like I had like a, you know what I mean, a master. Yeah. As a kid, you know what I mean? Bobby-san, you know, we have to strengthen your spine.

Yeah.

And you go, why, master? Right? So one day you can kiss your own tip. Oh, right. Like, I never had that master. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck karate. Yeah, yeah, fuck jiu-jitsu, right?

Karate's just kicking like invisible people.

I know, it doesn't work. Yeah, also in the UFC you never say he's a karate guy, right? Right, it's always jiu-jitsu, right? Yeah, or boxing or kickboxing, right?

Yeah, it's never like—

it's never tai chi. Yes, yeah, no one's out there at UFC doing tai chi, right? Am I right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's like, you know, um, yeah, it's never one of his credits is like his mom wanted him to be able to defend himself, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, rarely you see taekwondo in UFC, right? It's usually boxers, kickboxers, um, jiu-jitsu guys, wrestlers.

What is some of this stuff Nick knows, actually? So let's go to Nick on that.

Yeah, uh, yeah, I mean, he named all the big ones. There's a few select karate guys— Stephen Wonderboy Thompson, MVP. Yeah, but jiu-jitsu and, uh, taekwondo I think are the big biggest from traditional martial arts.

From traditional, but generally it's wrestling kickboxing, boxing, right?

100%.

I think Holloway is like one of the best strikers with his hands in the biz, you know what I mean? So it's— you don't even know who he is?

I do. Is Max Holloway— he's actually— he was right— he lives and trains where you just were, right? I know, in Waikiki.

And I smelled his essence around me.

Did you see him?

No, I called him to see if he wanted, you know what I mean? But he was going through something. Yeah, you know, you know, as fighters do. Dear Heavenly Father.

Okay, you want to pray? Let's do it.

Well, that's— I just started.

Okay, sorry.

Dear Heavenly Father, Lord and Savior, Father of all, thank you so much of the gratitude of the fishes, fish in the sea.

Amen.

And the deep fish like the Greenland shark who lives 500 years, 500 years ago.

Does he really? Sorry, go on.

No, see, that's what I'm talking about. I forgot. What do you mean? Look at me right now, dude. No, just look at me right now, dude.

Can I open my eyes during the prayer?

Yeah, because the prayer stopped because you interrupted. All right. What? Don't do that. All right. All right. Greenland shark. All right. Thank you for the trees, nature. Thank you so much for the war.

What war do you mean, son?

The war within my heart, you know, the war that I want to start with Theo because I did one line in his movie and he put me on the fucking poster. That's my prayer, dude.

Sorry, come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, as if I was in the movie, he put me straight up in the middle of a movie poster. Dear Lord, when I had one Fucking life. Sorry for swearing, Lord, but I'm very angry. I have a war in my heart. It's— yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, one life. And no, I'm not done, right? I also had a patch over my face, so most people didn't even know it was fucking me. You know, Lord, please give me the forgiveness, you know what I mean? And the solitude and the confinement and the love for Theo. Amen.

Amen.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you, guys.

Busboys, go watch it in your local theater and video streaming and streaming, you know what I mean?

Well, you were—

first of all, no, no, first of all, what? First of all, what? First of all, no, first of all, what? Because let me tell you something, Bardo. I'm gonna take my glasses off, dude. Okay, let me tell you something, Bardo.

Take my hat off.

All right, I'll take my fucking beanie off.

You will?

Yeah.

All right, all right, hold on, I'm gonna put another hat.

Yeah, I'm gonna put this hat on. All right, all right. Why is this hat over there?

I don't know. This one's over here.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't pick that one.

Let me tell you something, but— oh, all right. Okay, I'm not afraid of you. We're friends. Yeah, we're friends. We're deep. Yeah, I mean, we were in the war. Okay.

Yes, we were.

Yeah, we was, right?

This hat gives me like Gone with the Wind vibes.

This had to give me Gone with the Wind vibes. Okay.

Or Gone with the Nguyen's.

Yeah, Nguyen's. Yeah, yeah.

You know how you spell that word? N-G-U-Y-N's?

No, what is it?

Spell it out. N-G-U-Y-N's. N-G-U-Y-E-N. The most common Vietnamese—

Last name.

Surname, yeah.

Yeah, Nguyen.

Nguyen.

Yeah.

Oh, that's how they said Nguyen. Okay, well, but also a lot of people look that up. A lot of Black people, if they're asking like, like, like if something's gonna happen, they'll say that.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

That?

Nigwen? Yeah, like, what's up, nigwen?

No. Oh, you'll be like, dude, are we going or not? And you'll be like, yeah, nigwen.

Oh, I see.

Don't you think?

Yeah, I've never heard that. Yeah, I mean— but yo, what was that party like? You know me, that was nigüen like a motherfucker!

Oh no, that's not it.

That's not it? I don't know how to use this.

That's racial.

No, that wasn't racial.

This hat seems racist.

Yeah, yeah, this fat fee seems very racial. Dude, Bobby. Yeah, just take the hats off.

We'll put them back on in a minute.

I'm gonna go back. Let's go back to our regular attire.

All right, let's put these on too.

Yeah, yeah, we'll put my glasses on. Let's get ready. Regular. So um, it was just a joke. I'm grateful that you used me in the movie.

Yeah, for sure, dude. Uh, I wish you weren't available for more days, for one.

That's insane.

You were shooting something.

That's pure insanity. I have nothing going on.

It's your schedule. This was 18 months ago.

Yeah, it was 18 months ago. Yeah. So anyway, um, I'm glad I wasn't, um, involved in that.

I agree. We probably should take you off of it.

What?

I didn't make this poster, but I did. But I should have said something then. I should have asked you.

No, it's fine. I mean, you use— you— here's what it is. If you had a line in my movie, I would put you on the poster. Yeah, because it's like you're a big draw.

But I should have asked you about it, though, probably.

Can I be honest with you? Because I like to set boundaries now. Yeah, for sure. Because I'm on Lexapro and—

I just got off. Two ships passing in the night.

Why? Like, through the night of Hormuz, the Strait of Hormuz.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? We just slowly passing through the night.

Yeah, like, we don't have any oil.

We have no— yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we only have like plastic containers, right? Yeah, right.

We're just collecting semen.

Yes. Or seeds.

Yeah, we're collecting seeds.

Seeds and semen.

We're just— hell, we're just wandering. We're lost. We're lost.

Yeah, yeah. But anyway, um, I don't even know why we got— oh yeah, we're passing that. I'm on Lexapro. Yeah. So, um, you know, I like to set boundaries, right? And I like to be real. And my— I want to say something real to you is, is that, um, I'm ready.

I hear it. Sorry.

I get it.

I'm ready to hear it, man.

No, I just said it. Okay. Yeah, I mean, so I get the bus, bus. It was just a joke, the prayer, right? And, um, you know, I mean, but I have to admit, when I first saw it, I was annoyed. Yep. You know, and I have to tell you that as a friend.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, I'm grateful that I'm, you know, when people ask me to do things, you know what I mean?

But, um, you felt like we were using you.

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I mean, but being on set with you guys and having fun— I already expressed myself to Dave, you know what I mean?

I didn't know that. He didn't even mention it to me.

No, he showed me it. I was— and in my mind, I didn't say it then, but later when I saw him, I said it. So then he goes— then he goes, next movie you'll get bigger role. Yeah, yeah.

This was the much wider used poster, I think.

Oh, here we go. What are you, Pakistan? Huh? You're Pakistan all of a sudden, trying to be middle?

This dude's poster.

Yeah. Nah, dude. Right. We're at war, guy.

Yeah, dude.

Nothing you can do. All right. He has a 15-point plan. I got a 10-point plan. They ain't mixing.

Right, dude. Like, I got a 6-point. I got a 40-point plan.

Yeah, it ain't happening. So my point is, is this, okay? You know, I really like, you know what I mean? Because I've heard your stance on Rogan. You know what I mean? About your feelings toward what's going on, especially in that area of the region.

In the Middle East?

No, dude.

In Austin?

Alhambra. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's going on over there, dude.

Yeah, bro.

The bubble shops are shutting down.

We're shooting pool with J-Rod today.

No.

You follow J-Rod, dude? He's the best.

No, I don't know J-Rod. No, but my point is that I really— I think I agree with you. With a lot of these things that you're saying, you know what I mean? I don't say it out loud because, um, you know, I'm a libtard. I've always have and always will be. I've always have been.

You think so?

Oh yeah.

I mean, who is— we're all liberal about some stuff. I think we're all just whatever. Oh, you are?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm full-blown. Yeah, I don't give a fuck about no immigration.

I didn't know that, man. And it's okay.

I don't know.

I mean, I, I don't, you know, um, I don't talk about politics, but I just want—

you never talk about it. I never have, never will.

You never do.

Yeah. This is the first time I've ever brought it up. Yeah, really. And I want to say to you that I like what you're saying about it. That's all. Well, it's confusing.

It's confusing.

And all you have to do is you have to ask a question and you go, why is this happening? And you do some research, right? And then you figure it out. You have critical thinking and you go, and then you look at the past. And it's a little confusing, you know, and I have a lot of questions. Why are you looking at me like that?

Yeah, I'm just trying to absorb what you're saying.

Yeah, these are things that you know, huh? Hello?

No, I'm just saying right now you look like a, like kind of like a wasp that listens to 311, kind of.

Why does it do— why does it always have to be a, a, a, a put-down?

You're right.

Sorry. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, I'm giving you a compliment. You're looking like I said, I look like a mosquito from some sort of southern land.

Yeah. Dude, you know, put them back on then. I'll give you a better one.

Yeah, give me another one.

All right, you look like the, uh— oh, you look like the Eighth Dwarf, homie.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

There's like sleepy, sneezy, sleepy, sneezy, dopey, and ramen.

No, no, it's got to be E.

Oh, sleepy, sneezy, dopey, gooky.

No, why?

Gooky is not a word, I don't think. Gooky Monster.

Oh, okay.

Where's the gookies?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you seen the gookies around here? Yeah, yeah. Oh, chocolate chip cookies. Yeah.

And it's just a Chinese guy with a fucking handful of chocolate.

I remember the days of your— back here, I was thinking about some of the stories you told back where you grew up and stuff. Yeah, yeah. And it's so weird. And I thought to myself, what if there was a Korean Theo Von? That'd be so funny. Oh, back when I leave, you know, in Busan, we had a guy in our neighborhood. Yeah, we call him Crazy. Left eye was Chinese, right eye was Japanese. We don't know what— we're communist. I mean, that's like, you know what I mean? Some of your stories, you know what I mean? And the people that you grew up with is so—

it's— I—

and it's so, so believable and true.

Would it translate to y'all's culture, you think? My culture and y'all's culture?

We have the same fucking culture. What the fuck are you talking about?

What— you know what I'm saying?

No, no, I don't know what you're saying. I'm an American. No, no, no. I'm tired of this shit.

I'm not saying anything.

Yeah, you are. Bobby, I'm not doing this thing again.

I've never done anything.

Oh, you're saying you're trying to separate us when we're the same? You and I have the same empathy. All right. You're a very sensitive guy, are you not?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that you have a tad bit of ADHD. Okay. Okay. And these are things that you— that's why we're friends, because I understand these things about you. You know what I mean? And you're a sensitive, empathetic gay dude. Really?

Whoa, bro.

Oh, dude, I mean, let's be real, huh? And you've kissed the tip.

I've never had—

Yes, you have. You've kissed the tip, dude.

Dude, I never even went by anybody's wiener in my whole life. One dude like was trying to get us to like play Navy in his bathtub or whatever, and dude, I fucking—

I didn't, I didn't re-enlist, huh?

I didn't re-enlist.

Oh, you didn't really?

All right. Oh, I wouldn't, dude.

I signed up for the draft for that game. Yeah, yeah, I was on that boat, dude. But if you—

if you— if they— who would you fight for if they had a draft?

I, I mean, here's the thing, dude. If they— because I'm 54, so they said there's a draft and we're extending the age to 55. Yeah, I think I have a compelling reason to get out.

What is it?

Well, I— one of them is, is that I will kill more of us than them. You think? And I'll go in a circle and just do a full circle. Yeah, right, right. And they're like, dude, you killed Jim Frank.

You know what I mean?

Like a little—

like a yard— like a yard waterer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would kill more people than them, right? I also have like, you know what I mean, I get hungry real quick. Like some of the— like some of these boats that are out there, I mean, uh, US, um, vessels are out there They're running out of food, right? So if I was in a jungle fighting in a war, I would just be biting trees and shit. Eat meat, whatever. I mean, I got to eat. I would eat anything if I would. Dude, if you got shot, I'm going to take some.

But what, you eat part of my body?

Some.

Well, what part would you have first, you think? Be honest.

The tip, dude.

Ooh, bro, just have it all if you're going to have it.

No, no, just the tip.

Just if you eat the tip off, dude, it's going to fucking look so weird. You're dead.

Who gives a fuck?

I'm a POW.

I said no, I want— this is what I want.

If I was a POW.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't eat just the half of my wiener.

You know what I would do? I would tuck all— I would cut all of it, your testicles and your penis, right? And I would tuck everything inside a hole. And then at your funeral, people are going to go, Theo was a fucking trans man. Yeah.

No, I do tricks, dude. If they— what if they— what if I was a trans man and they buried me in a Trans Am, dude?

I'll be there at the funeral. But no, um, but dude, that'd be crazy.

Like, yeah, just don't—

what would you draft-wise? Would you—

well, let me finish this up. Do you just threaten to eat my wiener in a fictional—

I was kidding, dude.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, we'll say that then because, um, there's a comedy podcast. Yeah, I understand that.

You understand that?

But when you show up with your energy— man, what do you mean my energy? Some of it seems today to be a lot and a little bit threatening. Is that fair to say?

A little bit, a little bit.

Yeah, you say I'm gonna have it.

I'm gonna have this down again, huh?

Yeah, you're just like, I'm gonna—

yeah, just—

yeah, no, when you say I'm just gonna nip off the end or whatever.

Yeah, I would never do that, dude. You know what?

But I don't want to be— I don't want my wiener to be missing the end of it and people like, what happened? It got nipped or whatever.

I do, dude.

The honest truth, can we say nipped or not?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would— I wouldn't nip, right? I wouldn't lick, you mean? I wouldn't gargle. Oh, you mean I wouldn't smell? What are you talking about? What I'm saying, if you died on the— yeah, in, in the war, okay, and I would literally take your tags. Yeah, right. I would bury you. I'd make a little— I'd make a little, you know, I mean, tombstone.

Yeah.

Here lies comedian Theo Von. And I wouldn't do anything, you know what I mean?

You wouldn't do anything to my body to desecrate it?

No, dude. But everyone around me, other soldiers, yeah.

You think so?

Yeah, because I know you. There's no way I'm gonna eat the tip or eat any part of your body.

Oh dude, I'd fucking have a little bit of your ass, boy. Not your ass, but just hit like, boy, sorry, buddy.

Yeah, yeah, let me put this hat on. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna put my hat on. Bobby, can you scoot your chair to the left a little? What? Just scoot left a little when you get seated. Okay.

You know what time it is? PrizePicks! PrizePicks!

Who you with?

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An Eagle, bro. First time I'd gotten out of school for summer vacation, right? And you remember, you know, that last day of school year, you get out. And I remember walking down the street because my bike— somebody stole my bike. And I saw that beautiful thing, and I couldn't— I didn't even know they had— you could put that much just dang, just quality beauty on the something. I didn't think you could get something that nice unless you rented it from like an Ashley Furniture or something. But anyway, Iconic summer moments deserve an iconic drink. It's Mountain Dew, an American original. The refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew is the perfect companion to your American summer adventures. When I get me a little Mountain Dew, man, I like the diet because I, you know what I'm saying, because I get that rattle in me. So now I like that Mountain Dew diet. And my cut, I get to hold my little god nephew sometimes and he's a baby. And if you just, dude, I get me a little Mountain Dew Diet in me and you put my god nephew in my arms and dang. Amen, brother.

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Um, but, um, you look like Tokyo Drift AF, bro, right now. Thank you, man. Another one, huh? Huh? I'm just gonna keep going.

I'm just saying, like, Tokyo Drift as fuck.

It's a fun game— um, movie, I mean.

Huh?

Hello?

Yeah, I'm just saying.

Okay, so in a war now, what would you do?

In a war? Yeah, I would— okay, hold on. Okay, yeah, yeah, chill out, man.

We're fighting again. Let me, let me give you the circumstance.

Okay, give me the circumstances.

Yeah, yeah. We're doing Vietnam 2. Oh, there's got to be a sequel. Yeah, because we lost the last one.

Did y'all?

Y'all? I'm always on your team. What do you mean, y'all? I was born here, guy.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, you do. Yeah, but I'm saying, yeah, yeah, I'd still be— dude, if I was an American soldier, I'd still be wearing this hat. You would? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can sneak on to the other side, bro.

We would do— we would be in the best military ever, you and I.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.

We would fucking stay up all night partying. Oh, dude, I would relapse eating Twizzlers. Oh, yeah, dude, we'd relapse on opium, dude, that our own government would sell to its soldiers.

Yeah, we'd be shooting opium.

Yeah.

Listening to Purple Haze. Some folks are born made to wear the flag. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd be cutting our neck. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're like shooting opium, right? And they're just like kissing tips.

Yeah, dude.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd be kissing the tip with music, heroin, just the tip, bro.

I just want to be straight and help my country.

I'm straight too, dude. I have a girlfriend now, dude.

Here's what we'd be doing. We'd be staying up late and we'd get pissed off, and I would cut one of my nipples off and just throw it, and you'd catch it in your mouth.

Oh, that'd be cool, dude.

That's how fucked up we'd be. That's partying. That's partying.

That's partying, dude.

Oh yeah, I know it.

And then I would sew it back on your nip.

Yeah, yeah, dude.

Good God, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again. Born in the USA. Yeah, but anyway, Vietnam II, that— what would you do? You're drafted. Theo Vaughn drafted. Okay, Born in the USA isn't a Vietnam song. That was written way after.

I know, but I'm just saying, don't sing that song then. It doesn't even apply to both of us, so I won't sing it. Let's go on.

What do you mean? What? I mean, bro, dude, I'm USA all the way, dude.

Are you?

Oh yeah, dude. Well, guess what one of my favorite restaurants are? Cracker Barrel.

Oh, it is?

Am I American or what? Cracker Barrel. Cracker Barrel. Yeah, really? I think it's the best breakfast, dude. It's a good breakfast spot.

It is. Sometimes they—

but when I walk in, in the South, there always is like— everyone stops working. Yeah. When I walk in. Yeah, well, there's kind of like a moment of remembrance, like when— You think so? They're not saluting me. No, they're like, what the fuck is this?

Well, it's because some of it's just like, there's like an old— like, I remember this, like my stepdad, and he was in the wars, right? And he— what war? I don't know. He was in at least 2 out of 3. And he went to— he would take my mom to the Chinese buffet. It was called— In the war? No, no, in town. He would take this My mom, they had like this place called Yellow Bellies or whatever. It was a Chinese buffet or whatever. I don't remember what was it called. See if you can look it up. But he would take my, he would take my mom over there. I'm not even joking, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he would.

I'm not joking, Bobby.

No, it's not called Yellow Bellies. It was. There's no way it's called Yellow Bellies, dude.

Bro.

Yeah, yeah, it was called Yellow. Okay, okay.

And they changed the name. They changed one of the letters on the sign.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

To, um, to like yellow bells or whatever.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's better because the eye burnt out or whatever. So it was just like yellow bells and it was just like—

oh, it was a belly with an eye at the end. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm saying, it's a play on words.

Oh yeah.

But it's, um, so anyway, what happened was he would, after dinner, he would always go sit my mom in the car and then he'd go back in and he would like apologize to some of the workers that worked there for like things that had happened when he was in Vietnam, different conflicts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow. But we've never been in a conflict with China. Is it Chinese restaurant?

Yeah.

So your uncle would go into a Chinese restaurant and apologize?

It wasn't my uncle, it was somebody that my mom—

All right, whoever your mom's smashing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we've never been in a war really with China, so he's apologizing to a group of people that they have no idea what the fuck he's talking about.

They know.

No, they don't know. Chinese people are like, "Oh, thank you so much for apologizing because we were feeling so bad about it." No, but dude, not everybody—

this happens a lot in small towns, Bobby, and this is the truth. A lot of small towns, if they open up a place that is ethnical in the town and it's different, yeah, they will hire anybody that even looks like that culture to work there.

So I could get a job at Yellowbelly?

Fuck yeah, dude.

Manage it, huh? Management?

Maybe assistant manager.

Okay, okay, you know, maybe, yeah, they might let you manage on Sundays.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is this, so he would, then he would go in and kind of apologize. And you have to think, this is something kind of crazy. Yeah, so a lot of people went and fought in some of these wars, right? Then they came back and they never saw anybody from any of these cultures until like 40 years later when a restaurant with some different ethnical food showed up in their town. And that's the That's like the— they never— that's kind of crazy to think that, you know? Does it make sense to you?

Let me get this right. Yeah. Okay. So what you're saying is you're— let's just call this guy Jim. Okay. What do you want to call him?

His name is Charlie.

Okay. All right. Can I call him Charlie?

Huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ironic that his name is Charlie. I mean, look, and he was a nom.

You were going to call him that no matter what.

So, yeah, but sure, you can.

Yeah, and he died and he wore a lot of gold.

Rest in peace, Charlie. He wore a lot of gold. So what you're telling me is Charlie came back from the Vietnam War, didn't see an Asian person for 40 fucking years. Yeah, right. And all of a sudden Yellow Belly opens, a Chinese restaurant.

Semi-Chinese, all Chinese.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, semi-Chinese. All right. And he walked in there and because he hadn't seen a Vietnamese person in 40 years, he went up to a Chinese person and apologized for the Vietnam War and what he did. Yeah. Okay.

His heart had been changed.

Yeah.

That's the truth, Bobby. Bobby, that's the truth, man.

I swear. I know, but maybe go to a Vietnamese person.

But they don't have all that.

They don't have a Vietnamese restaurant in town.

It doesn't— at that point, it's like you just take what you can get, bro. They'll hire a fucking Mexican guy who's fucking—

who's high. No, his eyes look Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A high Mexican guy. Yeah, just like, you smoked up 24/7 when you work here.

Whose eyes, you know, he's got those lowrider eyes, you know, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what you're saying to me is, is that— and did he feel— did Charlie feel better about doing that?

He felt— no, I just think over the years his heart had been like— he just kind of like you know, something, you know, he just had probably some remorse.

Yes. And I feel empathy for that. But, um, I'll tell you what the Chinese people were thinking at Yellowbelly.

What?

What the fuck? What's that about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what they're thinking.

What?

What are he talking about?

No.

Yeah, yeah, because they're not in the Vietnam War. Do you understand? Yeah, I feel like— no, no, no, I, I think that there's— I know, I know exactly what you're saying. I, I think— no, because we do this all the time.

No, we don't.

Yeah, yeah, no, we don't. Yeah, we do. We do this all the time. And, you know, uh, what do you mean we do this?

You saying you and I have this conversation a lot?

Yeah, you and I always go into— and I don't want to do it anymore. I think this is the last time. Okay, give me the other hat then.

Oh, you want that sharecropper hat, huh?

How you doing, man? Huh? How you doing, man?

I'm good, sir.

Yeah. Billy Lee, that's my name. Billy. Billy Lee. Billy Lee. Billy Lee. I love you.

I love you. I'm happy to be here today working for you, sir. What can I do for you?

I just want to apologize for what I did to your people in the Vietnam War. I apologize. What's your name, man?

My name?

Yeah, man. My name's Clark. Clark. Clark. Clark. I apologize. But see how that feels?

You have—

hold on. Yeah, you have nothing to do with the fucking Vietnam War. Yeah, you're a white dude named Clark wearing that hat because you just happen to get a job as a busser at Yellowbelly, right? And some guy—

yeah, Charlie, I've been working here for almost 3 months.

Yeah, yeah. So hey Clark, I want to apologize because I know you're wearing that hat, you're probably— you know what I mean? Yeah, I slaughtered a village, you know what I mean? And I feel bad about it, man. So, hey, I want to give me a hug, man.

We hug, right? Yeah.

Here's a little tip, $5, right?

That's what he would do.

He'd go in there and he hit him a little extra. Yeah. And he, uh, Charlie seems like he would hide the tip, so there'd be like a nice— like, it's like in Heated Rivalry. You ever see that show?

I haven't seen that.

Yeah, yeah. You know that show, the gay hockey show?

Uh-oh, is that a show?

Yeah. You never heard of Heated Rivalry? It's the hottest show in America, dude.

Is it really? I think my friend Josh Morrissey's in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about these two gay— top gay hockey players, but they're in love. Oh, there's a lot of gay love.

Is Gianni Paolo in it?

Yeah.

No, I think Gianni and Josh Morrissey might be in it.

Yeah, yeah. But anyway, in Heated Rivalry, there's a scene in Heated Rivalry. Yeah. When one of the hockey players passes a water bottle. Right. So I'm going to just show you what one of them does.

All right.

Right. So they're not out, you know what I mean? They're like these, like, manly hockey players, right? Can you pick it up with that hand, please?

Yeah.

Yeah. No, pick it up with that hand.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. And he passes it like this, right? And then he does this. How does that feel?

Do it with this hand so that people can see it on the camera.

So you don't—

okay. Do it with your other hand.

So do it with this hand.

Use your left hand.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't have a lot of control in this hand. I'll try.

I don't give a shit.

Okay. So you pick the— pick the ball. 'Pick the top.' Okay, so you grab it like this and he goes, 'What?' Yeah, and then you take the bottle. That's like one of the first episodes.

It's like kind of like a, um, gay relay race.

Yeah, yeah, it was a gay relay race, but it's also a way to show like, you know what I mean, right?

There's foreshadowing.

Yeah, there's some foreshadowing. So if I did that to you, you and I doing a show together at the store Yo, yo, Bobby, hand me a bottle of water, right? And I handed you a bottle of water and you stayed ahead and I, and I kind of just briefly with my finger rubbed your finger. Yeah. How would you feel about that?

I would feel like you were rubbing my finger and I would feel like you were trying to give me, trying to say something to me, trying to say something to me with just your finger without even saying something to me.

That was gay.

And that, and that, and it would be something that was gay.

Yeah. And I'll tell you this right now. I don't give a fuck.

But would you do that to me? What if I was unconscious?

No, dude, you have to feel the finger. Oh, you know that slogan, feel the finger? Yeah, my grandfather used to say it all the time. Feel the finger. But do you—

yeah, see? Yeah, yeah. So your grandparents can do that kind of shit, but my grandparents can't go into a, um, a, uh, Chinese restaurant. Yeah, a buffet. And, um, a Chinese buffet. A Chinese buffet and trying reconcile some differences? That's what I don't understand.

I'm saying you can reconcile differences with people that you have to reconcile differences with. Yeah, not some other nation or people. It makes no sense.

I don't know if that's—

you know, I don't know if I agree with you. Make your argument. Well, make your argument.

I'm trying to make it.

Yeah, make your fucking argument.

You keep attacking.

I'm not attacking you because what you're saying is nonsensical.

Bro, I'm just—

no, no, no, bro, no, you don't know anything about— you think— here, here, here's what you think, Bobby. No, I'm not— I'm sorry, Pakistan, right? I've been here so many different times, all right? And I'm going to say what I'm going to say, okay?

You think— no, you think you're giving angry sharecropper energy right now.

Yeah, and I am one, okay? Okay, I have, I have farm— I'm a farmer.

Okay, I'll go do it. Hold on.

You seem to think that the whole country I mean, a continent of Asia, right? is one block that we have the same traditions, language, writings, culture, etc. They're all—

I'm listening.

—completely different, right? I believe so. It's like saying, oh yeah, an American's like somebody from the Congo. That's not true.

Yeah, it's not. What if you said like, okay, somebody from Mississippi is like somebody that's from North Carolina. They're similar. Yeah, yeah, they look similar, but they're different. One of them probably watches Outer Banks and one of them probably listens to the soundtrack at the gym of Mississippi Burning or whatever.

But the continent of North America, how many countries are in there?

On the continent of North America? 51.

No, there's— isn't there? 3.

Dude, you're fucking setting me up. There's no—

I'm not setting you up, dude. Yeah, you are.

You're a spy, dude. You're Mossad.

I'm not Mossad, dude. I'm the opposite. You are? Yeah, I'm in rubble. You what? I'm in rubble.

You're in rubble?

Yeah. Okay, good. You understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I'm saying to you is there's 3 countries on our continent which are what?

North America, South America, Mexico. No, no, no, no.

What is it? See, that's why, you know what I mean, Charlie shouldn't have said shit, dog. But dude, he doesn't understand geopolitically things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't understand. There's Canada, America, and also Mexico. Yeah, yeah. Now, is Central America— no, that's a— what is Central America? Yeah, that's not a part of—

okay, this is when the wizard runs out of his magic right here.

This guy, give me the— how many countries? I mean, how many countries are in North America?

This, uh, is including Central America.

Yeah, but is Central America North America? I don't think so. Just, just put in North America. How many countries are in North America, bro? No, just let me finish. It's never gonna end, dude.

How many countries in North America? 11.

That's Central America and stuff it's including. But yeah, in this—

oh, Haiti. Yeah, in North America there's 3 countries. Okay. Oh, Grand— so it's, it's like, okay, yeah, but here's my defense.

In, in defense of Charlie, yes.

Defense of who? Charlie. Oh, okay.

He would call— bro, they don't— what I'm saying is, in, in some, in some smaller communities, they will open up a place that has a cuisine from an area, even a realm, right?

So what do you mean, like, like Lord of the Rings shit?

Yeah, they'll open up with some fucking Mongolian—

oh, Mongolian restaurants, those are my favorite.

Or you know what I'm saying, they'll open up a Mandarin— yeah, or a Mongolian stir-fry place. Chinese adjacent. Yeah, Chinese adjacent. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So they'll open that up, Bobby, and then people— the people that work there— first of all, dude, there's no way anybody—

there's no way to win this argument. It's fucking crazy. Let me take this hat off. There's no—

I'm gonna hear you all. What's the problem with the hat?

Oh yeah, I don't like it. I want to just be myself. Yeah, yeah. So what— there's no way to win this argument, but I'm so interested to see how you're gonna do it. Go ahead.

This is my final rebuttal.

All right, go ahead.

And this is like the end of that movie. Have you seen, um, A Time to Kill? No.

Give me another movie.

All right. Uh, oh, Lincoln Lawyer. But I think— yeah, yeah, give me another movie. All right, um, Bridge Over the River Kawhi.

Yes, I have.

Okay, so this is different than that. Okay, here's what I'm gonna tell you.

That's Santino. It is? Yeah. Hold on. Yeah, what's up? You're on. I'm doing Theo's. So Project Hail Mary is one of the best movies I've seen in years. I know, it was an amazing movie, right?

What's it called? Busboys?

I cried, I cried like 4 times. I, I told you, dude, that's one of the best movies I've seen in years. What's it called? And then right after, I went and I watched Busboys, which is now in limited theaters all around the country. Yeah. And how do you feel about Busboys? Busboys, Busboys is up there with some of the greatest, um, fantasy sci-fi dramas. Yeah, I agree. I agree. I loved every second of it. Hi, Theo!

Hey, brother, what's up, man?

We miss you. We miss you. Love you guys very much. Sorry to interrupt. Oh yeah, but we'll talk about the movie later.

But what was that movie called? What was that movie called?

No, I'm gonna tell you after we hang out. Okay, great. Okay, okay. Let me get Project Harold and Larry.

Project Harold and Larry. It's great, huh? It's so good. I want to go see it. Is it in theaters or it's on VOD?

I would recommend you watch it in theaters, but you're not gonna watch it. Yeah, I will. I'll go watch it. Charlie, watch it. Huh? Would Charlie watch it if he was alive? No. Well, then that's— you're part of the same.

He liked to be in the shed and he liked to curse a lot.

Oh, like the Unabomber? I don't know about that, bro. No. Okay.

But he took care of my mother. He had a small dog. But here's what I want to tell you, though.

Oh, yeah. Finish the argument. Okay.

A lot of times in small communities, Bobby, people— if anybody seems semi-Asian, if anybody seems—

what's a semi-Asian?

A guy who's Asian, but also you don't know if he's Asian, man. If somebody just has dark hair and it could be a white guy but he had funny eyes, even just a trans chick who can't see that good, right? Like, people will fucking— it all works in that sort of place. It doesn't work because it's wrong. It doesn't work for us, bro. But in that kind of place, you just, you just take what—

like, you, like, you take what you can get, right?

Right. And so they'll have people— sometimes you'll get a Mexican guy that's been in a fire even, and they'll be like, oh, this guy's Taiwanese or something. He's not, right? But people don't know, dude. They just— so I'm just saying, like, sometimes that kind of shit happens and people try to make bridges where they can.

Okay, if there was a guy that was slightly blue, would you think that they were from the movie Avatar?

I'm sure Charlie would have went up to him, you know, and offered him a fucking— dude, speaking of—

yeah, yeah, but let's move on. No, no, I, I, no, I don't want to move on.

I, I think I see your point of view, right?

I'm not saying it's right or anything. Yeah, yeah, what I'm saying though is, is that This is small town, you know what I mean, worldview. But also, yeah, no, no, no, no, there's not New York shit.

Bring up that Asian fella we had on here, that young boy or whatever.

Yeah, I remember I saw some clips.

Um, yeah, Asian Ray, young boy Asian.

Bobby, can you scoot to your left? Yeah. And he—

listen to this, listen to what he said one day that brought me into some crazy Okay, racism that was happening. Okay, I don't think we'll find it there. It might stop us, but maybe it won't, maybe it will. I don't think it's on here. The full one might be on YouTube Shorts or something. Can you just find it? Um, dude, oh, did you see those? Look, listen how messed up this is, dude. Did you see— okay, there's moving slot machines that are going on.

Tell me, I would like to see. They move. Watch this, they move now. Oh yeah, they're gonna be coming after y'all. All right. Look at this, Bobby. Whoa. So say you're—

I know, yeah, you're taking a shit. No, no, when it comes looking— oh no, that's crazy. But say your wife's like, all right, you can't gamble anymore tonight, you have to go to bed or whatever, right? And that thing comes knocking on your door later with like, oh yeah, a little bottle of wine.

Oh, that'd be crazy, you know? Yeah, or even just for like— you put $100 in it though, no?

Yeah, but that thing could pin a fucking dude. That thing could pin an older Taiwanese man against the wall and make him spend every buck he's got.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see what you're saying. I'm just saying that's messed up. Yeah, I think that this is too far. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Moving anything like, you know, like— but ATM machine too. Then if they do this, they do ATM. Yeah. What else machines can they do? Um, oh, you know, the crane game.

Oh yeah, that one I would like though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never gotten one, have you? Really, you haven't? I could— I can never grab it, dude. Huh. Yeah, sometimes I'll, I'll, I'll have it hook onto like, you know, the— like on a plush toy there's like the little, um, whoever man— you like made in China, there's like a little bit of a white—

I try to get the crane, you know what I mean, through the part of the ticket, the, the— or the, uh, little late—

the label, and I try to pull it up that way, but it somehow Slips, dude.

Oh dang, that's a good strategy though. But, um, yeah, what is it?

What kind of age? What kind of what? What kind of age is he? This age? No, age. Asian. Uh, he's Thai. Oh, I like it. He's Thai. Yeah, yeah, tell me about him.

What do you say? He's Mexican, or he's Taiwan. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, he's Taiwan.

Am I center?

Look at the kind of shit that these kids are coming over here and saying, bro.

I don't want to hear it. I will let you call me a ching chong. I'll give it a pass. Really? Yeah, just call me one time. It's okay. I know you want to do it. I don't want to do it. It's okay. Like, like, I'm cool. Like, you feel me? I'm gonna give it a pass. You can say ching chong.

I would not say— I would probably—

I would think— I don't like ching chong that much. Why? I would maybe call you like a slot machine boy or something like that.

Something that Asian people like to do. Look at this little kind of slot machine.

Look at this little slot machine.

Yeah.

What you mean by that? Like we slut? Like ding ding?

Yeah, yeah, that's a slot machine. That's not—

I'm not saying that. Yes. No, I think that's slot machine.

Winner! It's like, it'd be like a slot machine just adding, like, if when you hit the bonus on a slot machine and the money goes up.

Ding dong ding dong. That's crazy. Let me tell you something, that's unfair. You know that guy?

We know—

we all know each other. I, I can call Un right now, dog. Kim Jong-un? That's right, dog.

You know he was supposed to play your role in the movie? Who? KJU. Not even joking.

You're gonna give him one line in a movie? We offered him— it's 4 lines. You're gonna put him— it was the only day. I was second choice, dog. No, wait, wait, wait. I was second choice for 4 lines in your movie? Hold on!

That's crazy, dude. I don't know if it's true or not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe you. You were a producer— And you wrote the thing?

Dude, we barely got through it. We made it during the fires, Bobby.

Yeah, I understand that. Listen about this Asian guy, okay?

Number one: I don't want to give him any more airtime. This guy's kind of fucking weird.

You brought it up! All right? You made me watch the whole video and then like, "Watch it." I watched it. I can't say anything?!

All right then, go on.

Right, he's not— he's from Ching Chong. Go on, Bobby. All right, he's from the land of them. He ain't no American. I'm American. Yeah, I know you are. Yeah, yeah, I mean, so it's like Ching Chong hits different with me than that Ching Chong. Yeah, you know what I mean? Oh yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? So it's like, you know, that little— also let me say something, that little octopus knuckle, he ain't shit. He ain't shit, dude. His little octopus knuckle, dude. You know what I mean? And let me tell you something, slots— I know why you said that, man, because a slot is a slit.

Nah.

Yeah, that's why you said it. A slot is a slit and a slit is a slot, dude. Bro, I'm doing parables, dude. Yeah, let me say something about—

all right, tell me something.

Let me say something, okay? Right, I give you permission, maybe not on camera, but off camera to say whatever you want to call me because I'm not going to take it personally.

I don't do that. Yeah, you do.

You have. And I've said— I've called you certain things. Oh, really? Yeah, just to you off camera. To me? Was I there?

Yeah. Is that what you're saying? I was there? Yes. Oh, off camera you have? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not behind my back though.

No, not behind— no, beyond your Wow.

Well, I don't want to— defense rest. We're gonna break for lunch. You know, in the past I was, uh, hesitant to invest my money, and who wouldn't be? Because, you know, I mean, I used to throw my money in a wishing well when I was a child and just— and I wish for more money, but I didn't realize I was working backwards. So many of us, uh, only focus on where our money is today, but Acorns is the financial wellness app that cares about where your money is going tomorrow. That's what they do. Acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow. You can sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money, even if all you've got is spare change. That's one thing I like about it. That's why I got my niece and nephew signed up with it. Just to— it puts their change away and lets them show what savings looks like. Sign up now and join over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion with Acorns. Plus, Acorns will boost your new account with a $20 bonus investment. Offer available at acorns.com/theo. That's acorns.com/theo to get your $20 bonus investment today.

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Head on over to superpower.com and use code Theo for $20 off your membership. That's code Theo. And after you sign up, they'll ask you how you heard about them. Tell them we sent you. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Life's a journey. Hell, and look, we're barely living. You know that people are poisoned by food. There's glyphosate. And, you know, you're watching television, you're getting glyphosate thrown in your face through the, you know, 4K or whatever, 5G wireless. You know, the animals aren't breathing. You know what's going on. What I'm saying is some days feel good and others feel overwhelming. BetterHelp is reminding us that May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and it's a good time to check in with yourself and understand where you're at. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US. 'Cause America. And they do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. And I do want to say, if you go see a therapist and you don't feel— if you, if you don't feel like it's a good match, get another one.

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Remember that show? I love that show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've said some stuff behind your back.

Oh, Bobby got that hitter, huh? What's up? What flavor is it?

That's fucking tobacco, dude.

Yours is just tobacco flavoring. Wow.

I quit smoking over a month ago, so sometimes I'll take a hit.

That's insane, bro. Yeah, that's how I quit. The same way of fucking not quit. What do you mean, dude? That's not quitting, dude.

If you, if you're smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, 20 cigarettes. Yeah.

And you just need cigarettes and I lit me one. Have you heard that song? No. Morgan Wallen?

No, dude. I went to his— I don't know the modern shit.

I went to his concert the other night, dude.

I saw I saw fucking Karen Carpenter at the Coachella. I didn't know one song. Really? Yeah, yeah, she came out, she came out, and I had not one song. No. Sabrina Carpenter. Oh yeah, Karen Carpenter died.

Her and Madonna. Yeah, dude, no, Morgan Wallen, dude, you, bro, you got to go see him.

No, no, I'm not gonna see, bro.

Yeah, you got to do his walkout with him, bro. Have you ever seen— he does walkouts where people walk out with him. Nick Saban freaking walked out with him, Bobby.

Yeah, I don't even know who Nick Saban is, dude. I only know—

it's not Nick Savin, dude.

Like, he's a guy who freaking makes coupons. He might be saving something.

It's Nick Saban. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen to me, guy. Bro, he loves you, dude. Yeah, and I love him back, dude. But what I want to say to you is this.

Last night we let the liquor talk, bro.

Bro, last night we left the liquor talk. That's good stuff, dude. Listen to me, dude. I don't— I've been listening. It's a regional thing, dude. You're out there in Nashville, you mean all your shit, right? We don't do shit like that, dude. Right, you're right. You know what I mean? Spoons, that's your shit, dude. You know what I mean? We do different shit out here in LA, dog. What? Yeah, rap, punk bands, you know what I mean? Y'all are— you're right. I mean, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, last night my bus Fell down a river. Like music I don't even relate to. Last night my dog came, said hello. Yeah, I mean, those are like— that's your music. You mean my corn's growing like sombreros, like Nevada, Nevada. I'm sorry, let's try the country song real quick. What? All right, what?

I woke up and I couldn't see this morning. Then I realized it was not, so I had to re-download my iPhone software. I put my white hat through the door. Yeah, amen, bro. I like the ending. Is this— it's like, uh, CBD.

It's a CBD. TBD. To be decided.

It's like, yeah, oh, TBC, you said.

Exactly. What, dude, dude, did you see that gay volleyball? No, hold on a second.

We keep— well, bro, we're not— we don't even know what we're saying, bro.

I know, that's the thing. That's the thing. When you and I are together, right, just say it, man. There's anxiety and we want to get to the next thing, right? Because we think that silence is bad.

Oh, that's a good point, huh?

I do feel like that.

Have you always felt like that?

No, but what I realized it doesn't matter with you and I. It's going to be good. Well, let's see. Yes, it's going to be good. And there's no need for anxiety and there's no need to like what's clippable. And, you know, because when you and I are together, sometimes it gets clippable and it becomes sometimes viral. Yeah. And when I was coming here today, there's a reason why I haven't done your shit in a long time is because I don't like the pressure of doing it with you specifically, because if we don't create magic, right, then it was just a waste. I brought that up to Nick today before you came. Yeah.

And I prayed about it before this. Yeah.

But what I believe is that then when I was driving, I was like, I don't care. Whatever it is, it is. And I'm okay with that because we're both doing well in life. And I believe that you're a very good person. I'm a good person. Just not rush through it, man. I'm here as long as you need me, you know what I mean? But I think we have something that— I mean, where's Bear Dick at? He's over there. Yeah, Bear Dick. Yeah, did we get stuff already? Yeah, I think you gave the Clippers some fuel. Yeah, we got some stuff, right? You got more than enough. We got more than enough. So what I'm saying is, is that, um, can you slide to your right a little bit? You're in theater. I know, I know. Honestly, dude, what you're doing right now is I said to go to the left. Now I got to go to the right. We haven't had this problem yet. You're just, you know, you're full of energy. Does he look on center? He's just creeping into your shot. So move your mic.

Got it. Got to get it.

Okay. Here, move your mic and you're good. Bobby, look at this right here.

This is you in the movie.

But no, look, this is your anxiety. Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the guy you beat out for your—

that's like, okay, first of all, that's— that's the guy you beat out. That's Kim Jong-un as me in the movie, dude.

No, he came in for a read.

That's the guy you beat out for your role.

You— oh, so he came from North Korea and read, went on set and read for you, and he didn't get it? Yeah. Yeah. And then you're like, what other, you know, I mean, Chong Chongs do we know? And then you called me. How many people did you call before you called me? Did you call Ken Jeong? Do you call Jimmy O. Yang?

I did send a text to Kim Jong. He didn't text me back. Ken Jeong. Kim Jong. Yeah, yeah. And I did also— we did reach out to Ken Young, or Ken Jong-un. What is his name?

Yeah, at least Kim Jong-un. Kim Jong-un. Yeah, yeah, no, that's Ken Jong. That's Ken Jong. So he said no. He said no.

Yeah, but he did— he— what he did say though, they wrote a letter back, like his like affairs person, whatever. Yeah. And they said, uh, that they loved David Spade and Dickie Roberts. I thought that was just— that was pretty cool. They put that in there. That's pretty cool.

Who else did you offer before you offered it to me.

We offered it. You were— you were right, you were second. Oh, so Kim—

it went Kim Jong-un, the dictator from North Korea, and then I was second? 100%, I promise. 100%. Yeah, thank you so much. You bet. You— I mean, because I think you— if you got dictator like Viktor Orbán, and then we got dick taster, so I think we did good, dude. It's not fair what you just said, bro.

You didn't have a lot.

Yeah, I just— yeah, I licked the tip. I only had a little.

Yeah, I only had one piece.

Yeah, I only— oh my God. I almost— okay, dude, that's all I did, right? And you know this about me, dude. I do. I might be 5% bi. Hey, that—

and that's not a lot. That's not a lot, dude.

Bro, these days, these days, dude, they go all the way 100%, dude. Yeah, you know what I mean? And it's like, I didn't get that. No, I would be okay if I had 100%, but I'm only 5%, dude.

If I was gay, I would just—

I think so. I think you're 3%.

3%. Yeah. Yeah.

I think in the right circumstances, you would kiss the tip. I would. Henry Cavill. Who's Henry Cavill? Superman.

The one before? No, I'm not having some guy who's working all the time out, meeting people at night and shit like that. Okay, here's what I will say. This— if I, if I didn't get married to a woman at some point and there was like a cool dude who was not trying to like do any sex or touch my ass or anything but wanted to chill Separate rooms. Maybe he is a chef or something.

Hmm.

Maybe if I also don't have to talk to him every day. Okay, so it's 1%.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, you're 1%. 1%.

Yeah. Or even, dude, I dated a chick with hard tits and that freaking kind of— it was a lot, dude.

I did it. A hot chick. Yeah, with Sarah Connor ass. No, you know Sarah Connor from Terminator? Nuh-uh. Yeah, like she was buff, right? So her ass felt Schwarzenegger-like. Oh yeah, you know what I mean? Where I like it when it's like there's like some fat, you know what I mean? Yeah. And she was beautiful, but her ass was Sarah Connor, and I couldn't do it. And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like, because I'm not the Terminator. Yeah, you know what I mean? I don't have those robotics.

Some ass too, of women, they go to the gym so much and their ass has a little bit of hair on it. That's the craziest thing.

Yeah, like how much hair?

Not a lot, but just enough where you feel they shaved a couple times, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's not crazy.

Air. Yeah, but it is a surprise.

It's a surprise sometimes when you go in the cave and you see some foilage. Yeah, you know what I mean? That I don't like. Oh really? Yeah, I like my caves clean. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you have— we have now the technology to do it. I don't want foilage because I'm not like a cave dweller, dude. Would you go back in the 1400s, you think, and eat a little bit of ass or what? In the 1400s? I would pass on that, dog. All right. Yeah, man, you get the measles.

Oh, you will.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll get some sort of like, you know what I mean, thing that would kill somebody back then. Yeah, yeah. I'd have like one of those Asian, you know what I mean? Yeah, again, I mean, you get COVID masks, you get that holy polio. Yeah, bro, would you eat 1400 ass polio polio?

Um, no, dude, am I doing that shit? Dude, I will tell you this, bro. No, I don't know. I wouldn't even answer that question. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You asked me.

I know.

Yeah, I wondered. But here's the thing, let's just— before you move on, because you're feeling anxiety, I know you're doing right.

I'm getting excited. Let me chill out.

All right, chill out for a second. Okay, you know, because I'm a, I'm a podcaster as well.

I know, dude, you're a professional. You guys have one of the top 10 podcasts in the world.

So are you.

So, um, that's crazy to think that though.

I don't think about it, but still crazy to think.

I know, it's crazy. Just that it—

that it's—

people tell me, I go, oh, I, I guess What is your podcast big in, um, like in other parts of the world? I don't know.

I don't know the stats. I don't know the stats. And it's like, you know, it's, it's like that old term, you know what I mean? I don't live in the results.

Uh, Coke, uh, cooked pot doesn't boil or whatever. What is that term? What is it?

A watched pot doesn't boil. A cooked pot does boil though. A cooked pot does boil. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, how about this? What else? When you use terminology sometimes, yeah, think about it first. I think that's one of your problems. You mean when it pops into your head, I don't think there is that thing that goes, let's think about it. Yeah, you just say, what's that term? Cook pot. You know what I mean? Boils. You know what I mean? And it's like, yeah, it's not the right thing. So it's— I think that's a part of your anxiety. Yeah, you're right, right.

It's hard for me to leave that space in a place. I'll just like— if something's like somebody, if two people are sitting there and nobody's talking, it gets really uncomfortable. Yeah. You're that way too, Bobby.

No, I've changed for me. Are you serious? Oh yeah, dude, I'm so serious.

Like, what'd you really do to change that? Because that's a big thing. A lot of people deal with it.

Because I don't really care really anymore. I have empathy and I care about the world, and that's not what I mean. I don't care. Like, whatever direction my life takes, I'm just going to go with the flow. And it's not my responsibility, or I'm not a psychic. I don't know what's going to end up happening to me.

What question are you answering right now? What I'm asking you is, uh, what do you mean? If like, say you and I are talking, and— or say you're talking to anybody, right? And it becomes a moment of silence. This happens to me a lot in relationships. If there's a moment of silence, it's hard for me to just sit there and let there be silence. Yeah, but that's— but you said that you've changed with that. So I'm— what I'm asking is, how have you changed? What have you done that's changed?

Because that's kind of— I think therapy has helped. I think Lexapro has helped. I, you know, sometimes I'll tell Ritalin for my ADHD. I didn't take any today.

How much Pro you on? Yeah, Pro— what? Lexapro.

Lexapro? Yeah, um, 10 milligrams, I think.

Okay, that's a low dose.

Yeah, it's a little— it's a dose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's like when they say, um, when you're performing, a lot of comics hate the silence, but that's when they're listening, right? And I feel so comfortable with you because we've known each other for so long that, um, we could take a break. We don't always have to like chase a laugh or say something super interesting. That's the thing. It's like we perform for the algorithm and for what people are going to want to watch.

I think with you, with you, sometimes it does turn into that. Or this is the first time I've ever thought that. So it's funny that you said that before you came over, whenever you got over here, because I did think that. Didn't we talk about it, Nick? I said, um, what do we say?

What are we going to talk about? And I was like, let the moments happen.

Yeah, yeah. And, and if the moments don't happen, I'm okay with that too. Okay, that's okay. Yeah, because we'll podcast again. Yeah, and again.

And I don't want to lose out on a chance to have a good time with you. We're already—

I'm already having a blast. Me too. You know what I mean? The things that you talked about, Charlie, was insane. It's not, it's not that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and yeah, it's fucking insane. And that's already, that's already something that people are gonna go, what the fuck is he talking about?

Well, because he's a small town, like he likes to go out to eat. No, no, no, I don't want to recruit.

Don't do your fucking confused white face. You guys do that a lot, your confused white face. Who does? Who are you? You know, you guys, you guys do that a lot. Oh, you think we didn't start a war? What? And your eyes cross. You know what I mean? You started it. You started it. We didn't. Yeah, you started it. Oh, it's been going on for 47 years. That's fucking— I mean, they're about— they're about to have a nuclear weapon. Come on, man, don't do confused white face. I get it, I know the tone. Yeah, I've been around a long time, I know confused whites. That's Trump and his fucking— I know, but that— you're sometimes you're a confused white.

You think so? That's Trump and his fucking missile monkeys doing this.

But those missile monkeys are also confused whites, they're monkeying around. I know, you know what I mean? And what I'm saying is, is that, you mean, don't confuse white me, dog. You're right. Yeah, I mean, because I'm a confused yellow. No, you're not. Sometimes I am. Really? I get confused. Yeah, but the Lexapro, you always seem confident.

Has it really helped you? What has it helped you with? I'll say this, you seem a little less shy because sometimes you get shy. You ever try to put your hand in an aquarium and try to get up, get one of the fish out of there?

Yeah, yeah, like a koi fish.

Or just at a party or whatever, and they keep going. They will not come into your hand.

Yeah, because it's a defense mechanism. But that's how you are. No, but they're like, uh, uh, you mean a crazed white is, you know what I mean, trying to grab me? Oh no, I'm confused.

Why? I'll keep my hand open and just wait till something comes in it. Will you clutch it? No, it's kind of softly open like this.

Do they ever do it? Never. Never. You know why? Why? They're scared. That's how— remind me of you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a behavior I get out.

Yeah, I'm not really that scared anymore. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Are you scared? Fuck yeah.

No, I'm happy to hear that.

No. Are you scared? Are you scared?

I, you know, I've gone through a period recently in the past few months where I've definitely dealt with some fear, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I think scared of like, yeah, I don't know, dude. Like, things get scary in the world and you think like, yeah, if you say certain things that people are going to do something bad to you or something bad could happen to somebody, you know, do I get death threats and things like that?

Yeah, that's scary. You know what I mean? You get those? Sometimes I have. From who? I'm not gonna— I block them immediately. I don't know who.

Have you ever gotten a stalker before?

Oh yeah. No way. Have you?

Nope. Never.

Can I tell you something that you're confused about again? Yeah. Right. And this has happened to me 4 or 5 times. I'll have a— I'll match with somebody with Raya. I'll take them on a date and they'll go, what's Theo up to? And I go, because I was hanging out with Vancouver and then like I couldn't get in touch with him. And it's like, you know, like, tell me, you're right. And 4 matches were— listen, hear me out. I'm listening. 4 of my Raya matches, right, were because they were trying to get to you. And that's when I deleted Raya. You're off. I'm off of it.

I've never been on it. I know.

But my point is, is that, you know what I mean? Like, you know, My point? Yeah, that women probably do stalk you. I believe they do because I have seen— yeah, I do have a lot of women, you know, I mean, on my Instagram going, you know, I mean, tell Theo I think he's hot. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, you know, I'm pretty hot.

Yeah, dude, if I were a gay dude, I would fucking smash you, dude. Or I would date you. I'd ask you out.

Sorry, don't smash right away, man. Where are you going to take me, huh? We're going to take me.

You know where.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love LA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I will apologize for Charlie.

Hey, free appetizers.

Yeah, no dude, no, you would take me somewhere nice.

I would take you somewhere.

Like if I said like, um, what town is this? LA.

I would take you to Homokase if they have that, dude. It's just too gay, dude. Just disguising their wiener as fish. Yeah, yeah, like, oh.

No, I think you would take me somewhere nice. Like if I go, "Hey, take me to Mastro's Steakhouse." I would take you somewhere nice.

Really nice. Yeah. My friend Matt Weiss used to take me there all the time. Would we make out?

Like if you were gay and I was your date, would you make out with me that night or? I don't think so.

I don't like to make out on a full stomach. So yeah, me either.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. And you know what I've been doing lately, dude? Inner cleanings.

What is it? Are you talking? I've been doing inner cleanings, dude. Are you— and what do you guys— and what do you mean by—

what do you mean, you guys?

What do you mean by it when you say inner cleaning?

Are you talking about, um, when I say inner cleanings, what would I— what would that— what are you talking about?

I just had a colonoscopy. Oh damn, that butt fountain or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, I got a butt fountain. They found no pulp. Did they? Yeah, and they found no cancer. Let's go! Yeah, yeah. And now I do inner cleaning. So what I'll do is by my bathtub I have one of those Japanese toilets. Yeah, yeah, I mean, oh yeah, yeah, right, right. Yeah, I sit on it, it warms up right away.

My stepdad, he would shoot those if he saw him.

You, Charlie Wood? He wouldn't shoot, but he would draw on it. Yeah, you would draw on it. He would draw. Yeah, yeah, it's a flashback and trauma. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, dude. Yeah. Anyway, um, and what I do is I have fancy body wash next to my toilet, right? So I have a bidet.

You have a bidet? No, I don't have that. You know what one is? Yeah, I know. It's something that washes in your ass and stuff like that. And I respect it. I'm glad we have it as a culture, but I don't want it. Why don't you want it? I'd rather wash my own ass like a fucking man.

I know. But the thing is, is that when you use dry toilet paper, right, you're not getting the innards.

But sometimes you'll put some wetener on that toilet paper, dude.

What's a wetter?

Wetter, keep your little stash of water by your toilet.

Yeah, well, just get a fucking bidet. It just does it naturally when you press a button. Yeah, if you need— you're gonna, you're gonna have a fucking wetter? It's the same fucking thing, dude.

I'm not fucking letting some Waymo fucking clean my ass, dude.

All right, I'm doing it myself. But you can control the angles.

I'm old-fashioned.

All right, dude, so I control the levels. Yeah, so it hits the hole.

But that's not a colonoscopy, by the way.

I already had one last week. Okay, but I'm— now I'm talking about cleaning my inner Do they let you keep anything that comes out of it?

Like if they have like a—

they found a fingernail? Nuh-uh. Yeah, yeah, they found a finger.

Fuck yeah, I knew those are in there. Somebody said those are in there. Yeah, yeah, those are in there, dude. No, but so I, I— so your health is good?

No, no, let me finish my innards story, dude. That's what your problem is. You're right. All right, and I take some body wash, I let the body hit directly into the— you know what I mean? Calamari. Yeah, what I like to call it. Okay, okay, okay, because that's what it looks Okay, right, right. So hit the calamari, right? And then sometimes I'll open up my own cheeks, right? Oh damn. So that the water sprays right into the hole, into the Hormuz, huh? The Hormuz, right? The Strait of Hormuz, right? It does close. Yeah, it does close, right? You know what I mean? But you know what I mean, we're charging. Hey, we're charging $2 million per vessel. That's what you got. I charge my poo, dude. Yeah, I charge my poo $2 million and they pay it.

Yeah, that's what you got to tell your butthole. It's like, hey, blink Twice if you're in trouble, you know. Yeah, yeah.

So anyway, I spray it inside and then I'll take a tissue paper, some body wash, right? I'll get it inside the hole and I'll do a double spray. Ooh, right in the hole, right? Then I do a dry wipe. Okay, right. And I leave so that, like, you know, I mean, when you're having sexualities with my girlfriend, right, um, you know, I mean, there's no problem, right? I mean, aren't you self-cleaning when you know you're about to hook up?

Yeah, I'll wash my whole body. I've been taking a little break right now from dating and stuff like that, but I'll wash my whole body.

I do that too. I do that too. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I only wash that. I don't know. I don't know what you're doing. You're fucking— no, no, wait.

Have you ever met yourself? Have you ever met yourself?

Have you met yourself? It's crazy stuff. You're crazy, dude. You're fucking crazy. Crazy. Whatever, dude. Dude, whatever you told me. Yeah, you know what I tell you, huh?

You said you used to work on the Andrea Gail, dude. That fishing boat that went down, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I survived it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I survived it.

And you lied, dude.

Yeah, I lied about it, so my bad. But let me say something right now, okay? Of course I wash my body before I do that process. Okay, got it. Yeah, yeah, that's all, that's all I'm saying. All right, all right. Yeah, yeah, so that's all you do is wash your body?

I wash my body, I wash my whole body, huh?

Steam your body.

I'll go to sauna in the morning. But in Nashville? Yeah, Nashville or here. Oh, you do?

I've never been to sauna with you. You haven't? No. I'd like to do it one day.

Yeah, I'd love to go over there, man. If you know, there's supposed to be some good places that people go, like as a group and stuff. I haven't been any of those. I'll just do it at home. But also I'll go to Equinox over there and I'll go over there.

You mean as a group? Like, you know, people with the boy band?

There's like a bathhouse or something. Oh, yeah. No, I'm not talking like an O-Town reunion or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um, like if we gathered a group of comics, me, you, Gillis, Santino— that'd be so fun. That'd be fun, you know what I mean? And would you be like one of those people? Because a lot of— and I'm, I know I'm bringing Wyatt up a lot, right? All right, all right. But what I'm saying, I knew you were gonna do it before you came here. Well, you bring up Asia a lot, like you're confused about the whole fucking continent.

Well, you guys aren't sharing a ton of information for to Iranian.

We are to Iran. Yeah, we have satellites.

Well, yeah, we're not getting much.

I've— you guys aren't sending me— I'm an American. Let's move on. Okay. Okay. But what I want to—

what I want to say is, have you seen this volleyball player that you— we were trying to find a movie role for you when I was on Bad Friends. We were trying to find a movie role for you that would be really, really great. And we're like, what would be a great movie role for Robbie? And we found— have you seen this guy?

Yeah, yeah, let's see it. This is my boy Jordan Lucas over at CSUN, dude. Okay.

Splash, baby. He gets it done, bro. Oh, he's—

oh, I see. I understand. Welcome to— yeah, I understand.

Valley ball, baby. That dude is hot. He's in the Valley, right? He's at CSUN? Yeah, yeah. Northridge. Up in Northridge, bro. Oh, he put that flamenco on him, baby. Yeah, he's flashing that flamenco. Yeah. So that's—

I would play a black gay man in a movie.

No, this guy's not black.

He's not? What is he? No. Jordan Lucas.

Yeah, he's a fucking boss.

That's what he is. Oh, he's a boss. Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He seems like a black boss. He's sassy.

He's sassy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, would you be intimidated playing against him, bro?

Game set, sassy, brother. Dude is a fucking boss, bro. But would I be? Yes, I'd be intimidated playing against anybody. That is doing— that plays volleyball well.

Yeah. Oh, that's true.

He's a boss. Yeah. Shout out CSUN. And what's your team name? The— and it says right there, I can't stop watching the vid of this Northridge College volleyball beast diva. LOL. That's where we're at, bro. The beast divas have launched, homie.

Yeah, yeah, bro. That's what we—

you need, you need that kind of like energy in the world. You need aggressive, capable gay males, or semi-gay. I don't have no idea.

Yeah, I know this guy definitely—

has he said that? We don't know.

I saw an interview with him, he's gay.

He could only— but he could be straight and have gay moves. Now that's— I've done some gay moves, but I'm, you know, I mean, 95% straight. We know, dude. No, no, no, like I'll wait and I'll go, okay, yeah, I mean, but that doesn't necessarily mean right, you know what I mean? Oh yeah, like when I kiss the tip, I do it manly. Okay, you know what I mean?

That's not like a dad like kissing his son goodbye. Yeah, yeah, the one kiss a year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like that, dude. Yeah, yeah, like aggressive but like hetero. Yeah, yeah, hetero.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Have you seen the Thai, um, draft? So there's a draft in Thailand. No. Yeah. Bro, you're Spike Lee.

That would be your name, dude, if that would be your Asian name, bro.

If you, if you play volleyball, that's so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be so fucking sick, dude.

Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, Spike Lee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'd be spiking it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, you should do a show kind of like heated rivalry where I'm Spike Lee, right? And, uh, and we're not putting you on the poster if we do it. You're Volley Von. But we'll do a movie.

You and me are the leads and just I'm on the—

but it's like Heated Rivalry where I hand you a— there's a finger, there's a finger, right? What do you think?

So you're saying what we do, like, it's a movie, so it's not—

it's not real art.

It's hard. You think Brokeback—

Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah, I know Jake. You do? I love him. Oh yeah, yeah, I had dinner with him once. He's a great guy.

You did? Yeah. Oh my gosh, you never even said that. Well, how would you know?

You never asked You think you would tell me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I don't tell you everyone I've had dinner with.

I know that. But at least you would say, hey, Jake Gyllenhaal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a great guy. He's so funny. Who's your dream guest to have on your podcast?

On Bad Friends?

Oh, shit, dog. My dream guest.

Or on your own podcast.

Tigerbelly is my own podcast.

Yeah, but I'm saying Tigerbelly or Bad Friends.

The dream guest would be Brad Pitt. Wow. Yeah, I just want to see what it's all about, to see it up close and personal. Yeah. Damn, bro, I want to see if it's an illusion or if it's real, if it's makeup.

Have you seen him in real life before, Brad Pitt? I saw him one time. Yeah, is it real? I mean, I was so scared, I didn't know what to do, and I just—

Yeah, you trembled probably.

Oh yeah, I was like opening a door for him and I got all scared and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he went in the building, I followed him.

Yeah, I know, but when you look at him, but he moved quick. Yeah, I know. He looks like a very quick guy. Yeah. Like one time I was— you know nothing about soccer.

No, I know the World Cup's coming to the USA.

Yeah, yeah, that's good. But anyway, my favorite soccer team is Arsenal FC. Mm-hmm. When you do it, I do it. And so the soccer team has like— war. Good God, who— what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again. Okay. So I was— I'm an Arsenal fan. You hear? Here's the thing about you. You don't listen. You're already— here's the thing about you. You're already thinking about what you're going to say next, like a different topic. So when I'm— I know your eyes, right? So when I'm talking, right, you're already thinking about something else. You're not really listening.

Okay, my bad. Let me drop in.

I— you want it? You want this to be over?

No, I don't. Tell me about Arsenal, dude.

All right, so their legendary player is a guy named Thierry Henry. Thierry Henry. T-H-I-E-R-R-Y. Yeah. How'd you know that?

Because I've seen him before. Yeah, yeah. He's one of the greats. People say he looks like Sully McCullough as well, a little bit.

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Henry, I was at a hotel. You met him? No. So I was in a hotel in New York, right? I was shooting the movie The Dictator, right? And they put us— I forgot what hotel it was. And I remember being in the elevator and Henry walked in.

Did they put you on the poster or not? The Dictator?

No, they didn't. And I had more lines than busboys, but they didn't care about you. Yeah, they didn't care about me. You cared about me. I can't believe I didn't ask you that. Anyway, Henri walks in, right? And you know, obviously there's— it's like, hey, I'm a huge fan, or can I get a photo, or whatever. You said that to him? No, nothing came out of my mouth. Oh. I was so in shock that he was the last person that ever thought I would dreamt meeting or seeing in real life, of course, that when he got off his floor, the words couldn't come out. No. Yeah, that's how much of a fan I was. And then when I missed my moment, I missed my moment. So the other day I was at Pizzeria Bianco, right? And the dude that runs— that created it, I'm a big fan of, um, he was in the restaurant. No way. Yeah, and I walked right up to him, I go, can I get a photo? And he goes, sure, kid. So I, I do it every time now because I'm not fans of like, you know, Gary was in the restaurant.

No, this guy that created Chris Pizzeria Bianco.

Oh, he was in the restaurant. It's one of the best pizzerias in the world.

The creator, who's it? Bring it up. That's him right there. Yeah, yeah, Chris Bianco. Yeah, Chris Bianco. Oh, I've seen him before.

Yeah, yeah, there's one downtown in LA. Very good pizza.

I don't go down there too much, but I will.

Yeah, yeah. But anyway, um, so now when I see somebody— can you listen? Yeah, I'm back, I'm here. Okay, now when I see somebody, like, I'm not like fans of like, oh, there's, you know, I mean, Sabrina Carpenter or David Robinson or like, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not like what Mitch McConnell, like Mitch McConnell, like Turtle Eyes. Yeah, I call them, you know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you know, so most people be like, I gotta get a selfie with Mitch. You know, when he's in it, he's a zone. He's frozen. Yeah, you know what I mean? When he freezes up, that's my favorite part of him.

Oh, he's glitching.

Yeah, he's glitching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, but anyway, that's his cum face. Yeah, did you know that? Oh yeah, this is— damn. Anyway, like Mitch McCullough. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, that's his cum face, dude.

Bro, we're gonna go to hell for doing this. That's a real face. Face or something?

Yeah, that's a real face too.

Yeah, see, they're using some of these senior citizens, dude. Yeah, they're just— they're using them to just—

imagine his Chinese wife underneath him and that's the face he uses. Oh yeah. Oh dude, you know what I mean? You gotta use that. Yeah, you got to use that. Anyway, so are you fans with somebody that's weird that if you ran into them that you'd be starstruck?

I think probably Marilyn Manson, probably.

He's dead, huh? Someone alive? Oh yeah, I could go out through history like Genghis Khan, that'd be cool. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, but Marilyn Manson's dead. Yeah, is there somebody that you would like— you're in an elevator, are you thinking Marilyn Manson's still alive?

Charles Manson?

Oh, you meant Charles Manson. Oh, Marilyn Manson. Yeah, Marilyn Manson, dude.

Oh, so I think—

God, oh thank God, thank God he didn't die. Oh, oh fuck.

Yeah, no, yeah, I know him.

You do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dang. Yeah, yeah, I do know him.

Yeah, I, I imagine we kind of— I was talking to like somebody that works with him for a little bit, and then, um, but, uh, yeah, I think probably him would be somebody that'd be really neat. The Pope, maybe. Oh, Pope Leo, or the previous one? The new one, the one that's beefing with Trump online.

What about the one that JD Vance killed? You remember that guy? I haven't even heard about that. Yeah, yeah, remember JD Vance visited him and the next day he died? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like Yeah, so that's why—

I mean, I will say, look, JD has a strong handshake, you know?

I know. But now this Pope, wherever JD's at, he's not there.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like, he was in Africa and then JD was like in DC. And if, if JD went to Africa, the Pope would go to Antarctica, you know what I mean? That Pope ain't fucking, fucking with the Pope on a rope.

Yeah, he's a Pope on a rope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That last one definitely was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, so if you ran into the Pope or, um, What about— can I just name some names?

Yeah, I'm trying to think, because people I'd be starstruck by. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that you would like be like, oh fuck, I got to get a photo.

Oh, Julia Roberts, I would be starstruck.

Oh yeah, you get a photo?

I don't know if I'd ask for a photo, but I would just be starstruck.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if I'd ask for like— I think sometimes it's better to just say, nah, I'm okay without a photo. This is what—

so here's the thing, okay? When I was at Coachella. Yeah, right. And I saw Sabrina Carpenter and I saw I went for the strokes, right? And I got front row.

So did Mitch McConnell. Yeah, it's an old— sorry, it's a bad joke. All right, let's go on.

Yeah. Oh my God, dude, my poker face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he does look like a turtle, dude. Does he? I don't—

that part I don't even see. I just see—

what'd you see?

A senior man that's getting abused, like getting used to funnel ideas and, uh, danger through.

But there should be— I know you believe there's got to be a limit. They got to put a cap. Yeah. What's the cap? 60? 65. 65 cap. Yeah. After 65, you're out. You're out. Yeah, I think so too. And because I'm 54, I'll do crazy shit. Would you ever run?

I'd run fast. Would you ever run for office?

Yeah. Would you? Yeah. A congressperson or something.

We need somebody. I think so.

Yeah. You know, one of my ideas are cray cray. I mean, I don't know. Ask me about something. I'll tell you what I would do.

But here's the thing, we have the first Vietnamese House of Representatives person was from Louisiana.

Really? Yep. Yeah. Look him up. Yeah. So you can differentiate between Vietnamese and Chinese and—

I wouldn't say that, but I would say that that's our boy right there. All right. Joseph Cao.

And he's from your homeland?

Yeah, that's him right there. Yeah, yeah, he's a boss, dude. He's a boss, dude. Born in Saigon. Yeah, born in Saigon. Went to Baylor.

Yeah, yeah. So you need— you think we need more Asians in Congress?

Yeah, and more Filipinos. If it was all Filipinos, I don't think anything bad would ever happen in the world, do you?

No, dude, you're right. I think you're right. That's the truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there'd be a lot of—

you could run on the same ticket, dude, with Jake Paul.

Jake Paul, that's my Yeah, but we're different parties. Would you ever do—

because this is actually something I did hear, Jake. Somebody said you got offered to do WWE. Is that true? No.

Are you serious? Yeah. Stop pointing at me, dog. Yeah, I'm saying I'm fucking serious, bro. All right.

Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm serious, dude. Yeah, I heard that. Yeah, yeah, I would. I— some— but here's what happens, right? I don't get 80% of it. You mean it goes through like a funnel to me because my people know what I will and will not do for sure. And WWE is something I would probably wouldn't want to do, really, because I would lose. I would lose.

What if we did a tag team match against the Logan Paul and his brother?

I would do that too. Yeah, let's challenge Logan Paul, right? And his brother Jake. Yeah, tag team us. We have to wear costumes though, and the winner has to pay the other's taxes. For how many years? Just one year?

For one year. But you think you would win?

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I think they're not all that, dude. Dude, of course I would tag you real quick. Yeah.

Oh, you would? Yeah, I'm opening. And I would tag you. You just keep— you—

yeah, we tag each other, dude. That's what we would stay in the corner and we keep tagging each other till they get dizzy. We become a cyclone. Yeah, yeah, of tagging, right? And then they'll get all confused, right? And then we both get onto the ropes, right? And we do what? Uh, we jump off. Yes. And, and we attack them. And we attack them down. Yeah, dude, we attack that way through the air. Yeah, like we did to Iran. Or we get a drone to take us up.

Oh, right.

Ukrainian or Iranian?

Uh, whatever one still has a little bit of gas money left. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we take that up.

We'll take that up, right? And we'll just glide right into them. I think we could do it.

But would you get involved in personal— like, even in, in, uh, in local politics? Like, Spencer Pratt is running for mayor of LA now. You know that?

No, I don't know that. You don't know that? No, no, no. And, you know, and that'd be cool. I don't know if I'd vote for him. You know what I do do do? What? When I do do do do, I donate to Canada sometimes to help them.

Yeah.

Do you ever do that? I love Canada. Excuse me? I love Canada. Yeah. Oh, you, you, you, you give Canadian politicians money?

No, I don't donate to them, but I love Canada. I think it's a great place.

Yeah, I love Argentina. What the fuck are you talking about?

The best posture. You don't even know Argentina. Yeah, they have the best soccer players.

Argentina. Messi. Yeah, I saw Messi play one time with Miami. Nashville. Oh, right, but it was with the Miami team.

Yeah, yeah, played there, dude. It was great. I like— I would like to watch soccer more. I think I'm gonna try to go to a, uh, game when it's here.

Yeah, you like those things. Can I tell you something about something that made me real sad? Yeah. So when the last UFC fight that you and I were at— yeah, right, right. What kind of seats did you get?

We got good seats.

You did? Yes. What, what would you think my seats were like? I saw your seats, they were good. Better than yours? No, it depends on what you're looking for. I'm looking to get closest to the— okay, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, you think I want to be out there? They put you—

yeah, there is a like zone where they— where there's a lot of like people that, um, influencers?

No.

Okay, what kind of people? Or people— yeah, influencers, but people that are like, uh, there's a lot of people that have like, uh It's like wheelchair access.

It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I saw that.

People that are impaired, like people that are neck braces, back braces, yeah, yeah, yeah. People that are on fluids and shit. And they— yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were right there though, along with the road people where people come out.

They have other attachments to them. Yeah, you're like in the neck section. Water. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have a cane. Yeah, I mean, the BIF. They have the BIF. Yeah, just— yeah, yeah, yeah. Just an aquifier, basically.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People that were just like—

Exactly. So I'm in that section, right? And for a split second, I was kind of like, why am I here? You know what I mean? Probably because it was your first fight. Really? So the next time I go to a fight, because I love the sport, can I just go with you? Yeah. Will I still be in the oxygen area?

I can ask, uh, Dana if he would allow me— if he allows me to go.

No, you're always around that. Yeah, I'm a fan of the sport.

You're always around that, but it's still at his grace, you know? It's like his— it's like he, he picks who can go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. The people that you— your friends are bigger than me that you had around you, are they?

What do you mean, like, like popularity-wise? No, Gianni's with me all the time.

Is he more popular than me? To the— to—

in the urban circles, he is.

This is me at the Oxygen area.

You having a good time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was having a spasm, dude. Look how close.

I've never gotten to sit where you sat here. That's amazing, bro. To cheer people when they come out.

Yeah, but then you put your hand out. They don't never slap my hand, bro. Yeah, yeah. That guy's a beast, dude. And then what's— who is that guy, Nick?

Ateba Gauthier.

Yeah. Is he like on a 6-fight win streak?

Yeah. Oh, for sure. Knockout.

I like Gauthier. Yeah. And dude, you got to see Rose Namajunas when she came out. Okay.

Is that how you say her last name? Namaste.

Namaste. Yeah, yeah, dude. Thug Rosebrough, just to see that. Yeah, you're right. I've sat in a lot of different places. I haven't always got to sit up close, but it has been fun when I got to.

Yeah. Uh, but yeah, next time you sit up close, because I've never been there, I'm going to go with you.

Yes, please. I'm going in July. If I am able to sit up close, then I would love for you to go and just ask Dana, like my friend, you know what I mean? I'm gonna send him a JPEG of you.

Straight up, I'll say you used to fight. Just say the real thing. You did used to fight. No, no, no. Say I'm your friend.

I'll say it's my friend.

Yeah, I'm up. He's a, you know, you're right.

I'm not gonna lie to him.

Yeah, yeah. But then why would you lie just now? You're right. No, I'm right. You are. Why do you lie?

I'm not lying, dude. I was thinking about lying.

Okay.

Anyway, and I said I'm not. So what'd you think of today's podcast?

I thought it was— let's do a regroup, you know what I mean?

Okay, let's go through some stuff. For one, yeah, I do feel— for one, I'm happy to get to see you. Oh, I do want to say also Brittany Schmidt's dog passed away, so— oh no, I think we can just say so sorry, Brittany, we love you. And the dog's name was Biggie. Yeah, yeah. And that, um, he's— he's in a better place.

My dog Remy passed away a month and a half ago. Oh. Oh, did you have to— I did that.

That was great. What? Did you have to have someone come over and help put it down? My friend just had to have that. My friend Tim. Remember Bizzle, who you always fight with at the casino? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where is he, huh? He's the one that's trying to shit with me on fucking line, dude. Dude, he just texted me earlier today. He just texted me today. This is what he said. Can I tell you what you— Bizzle, is this him? Yeah, hold on.

This piece of shit, dude. I'm not even joking. The text he sent, he goes, tell that motherfucker to wash his ass. That's what he said.

Okay, this is what he— this is what he said.

What are the odds of that?

He goes, bro, you trying to beef with me saying I invite this shit? Don't come into the studio today trying to start beef or you're gonna get got type shit. Where is that guy, huh? I want to get got. I want to see what that means.

He's in, you know, because I'm going to tell you this right now, dude, he's pussified.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll destroy him. Yeah, okay, he's strong, right? But I have ways. I'll go Nam, dude. I think you could— I'll build a tunnel and a pathway.

Oh, so it's okay for you to go Nam and just completely— yeah, we can do it, be a culture vulture.

Yeah, yeah, we can be a culture vulture, but I'll go Nam.

My stepfather can't walk back in. He's a white—

he's a confused white. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a difference between being Asian, right, and being confused white, guy. Yeah, you're right, you're right. I'm just trying to be philosophical, guy.

I know there is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it just breaks my heart. Yeah, what? It breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart that we can't, like, you know, get closer and with that divide, dude.

I know. We're gonna do it better next time.

We'll do it better. Yeah, I think this is one of those— go ahead. Sorry.

I think this is one of those times where it's like, yeah, we kind of hit a spot where it's like, okay, yeah, sometimes I do feel pressure. Like, if we're— if like, yeah, it's like you get, you get clips that are viral and like you do see that. You can't even not see it. And it's like, and then like people every time, you know, you'll be somewhere like there's a video somewhere, there's a funeral and the guy's yelling Bobby at it, you know, like It's like, what can you do? But it's like, yeah, you do feel some pressure, and it's not— and that's why I've been avoiding it.

But that—

what I'm saying, right? But those moments aren't like— it's not fair to all. It's not fair for me to bring any— like, I, I, I thought about that before you came. I thought about— yeah, great listening. I thought about that before you came, and I said, God, like, let's— let me just have it. This is so stupid that we're even thinking about this. Yeah, let me just have a nice conversation with my friend. And let me have a new experience.

Yeah, I felt the same way driving here. Like, I've been avoiding doing it with you because there's just so much pressure on it, you know what I mean?

But we had so much fun when I came into Bad Friends. Yeah, how great was that?

That was great, you know what I mean? But we might have not got anything today.

Well, it took me 600 episodes to even get invited over there, if you go on and really want to look at the calendar. But I know you guys are busy.

No, no, no, no, look at me right now, dude. That's tragic. I'll tell you this, we're not a guest-driven show. We've had maybe 10 guests in our whole, whatever, the run. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. We've had Jack Black, Shia, you know, I mean, Theo. We get the biggest people we can get to do the guests. What's that tall orange man who plays basketball?

Wiminyama? No, no.

What's that tall orange man that plays Blake Griffin? Blake Griffin. Oh yeah, with the tall orange, you know what I mean?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Vitamin C, they call him.

Yeah, the Vitamin C. We got— when we got Vitamin C, we got it, you know what I mean? And we were lucky to have you, but it's like, it's not a personal thing. No, I don't feel it. It's a scheduling thing. Yeah, yeah. And, um, so let me ask the boys in the, in the booth, what'd you think of today's episode?

There are great moments, and I just think you guys talk so naturally funny to each other, you don't realize what— there's going to be some viral moment from this that we don't know.

That's a good point. So you know what, don't live in the results. We did it, you know what I mean? I think there are some things in there, you know what I mean?

Yeah, we had a good time. But if there isn't, fuck it. I just want to have a good time with my friend.

Yeah, I had a good time at times.

And that is true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that sometimes you're confused, but that's what I like about you. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you don't know what you're talking about.

Well, but I'm trying to learn, man. And sometimes—

and you're a learner, dude.

Sometimes you help me, sometimes you don't.

And I could say that's the same about you.

And I cannot believe that David Spade put you on that movie poster.

I think you did that. He said that you did that. No, we did not. Yeah, you did. I would never do that.

I don't even know how to do—

you know what, I went up, I went to Photoshop. No, your people, these guys know how. And I went to Spade— no, just listen, listen. I went to Spade and I go, dude, it's kind of fucking weird. I have like 2 lines of this movie and you put me in the center of this poster. And he goes, Really? Fuck Theo. That's what he said. That's what he said. We should call him. Should we call him?

Yeah. I don't think he'll answer. He's probably busy eating dinner or something because he has so much money.

Or sushi, probably. It's always sushi with him. Have you noticed that? Yeah.

Yeah, it is with a lot of you guys.

Let's see what he says.

That's a nice picture of us.

Let me call him. Okay.

He could be taking a bath or whatever.

Are you guys calling me together? No, what are you talking about? No. Oh, Theo just called me. Yeah. But you know what I love? You picked up for me and not him. I knew it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the fact that you picked up for me and you didn't pick up for Theo. No, I love Theo, but I'm at dinner. Yeah, but why would you pick up for me? Because I knew you were in cahoots. I go, we got a situation. Yeah, yeah. Well, just real quick, we want to clear something up, right? Yeah. All right, so when I said to you, you know what I mean, why am I in the center of this poster? I only had 3 lines. And you said, oh, fucking Theo. So Theo did it. Yeah, Theo did it. I don't think— I don't think Theo knew about it. I think it was— they just— somebody made it and they were exploiting you guys.

Oh, they put me on it too.

You're the star of the movie.

Who cares, Bobby?

Oh, you're right, Dave. I'm sorry. Are you eating Asian food? I'm eating Asian food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew it. So I love you, dude. No one's to blame. Thank you for putting me in the movie. I love you. Okay. Yeah, and tell the waiter we're sorry for everything.

Okay.

I love— bye. It was you.

It couldn't have been me because I don't even have Photoshop.

Okay, it was someone. Did I guess that he was eating Asian food?

But no, I do feel bad that I didn't ask. I should have asked specifically.

I don't care, dude. Dude, it's— well, I should have asked. I really think about it. I think you would feel like— bro, bro, bro, I I'm so grateful that you asked me to do something that you've been working on. I mean, what a blessing that is. You know, I just did an episode of— episode of a show of a friend. I can't say it, but, um, and he asked and I did it, you know what I mean?

And, you know, I knew who it was— Peyton Manning.

Okay. And was it—

he has a new show. You have a new show.

Yeah, the bad shit.

And you even tell me about—

yeah, the bad show, a game show. And then also my Hulu special comes out in November, my first special. Finally. Finally. Yeah, and go check that out.

But, um, what took so long, to be honest, when you really think about it? Was there a real reason that it kind of— that it did take you a while? Did you like not like doing specials? Did you think it was like not what it's about? Like, really, really?

Well, it's so funny. Ask yourself why I wouldn't do it.

Why wouldn't he do it? Because he didn't like to try. He don't— oh no.

Yeah, because I've been doing the same act, you know what I mean? I, I slowly add jokes. It was just no hurry, really, you know what I mean? And it got to the point was like I was on stage and I was like, I couldn't hear it anymore. Like, I don't care if it gets a laugh, like, I, I just gotta evolve. And so I penned a deal. I go, I'm gonna get all this out there, it's gonna force me to write new shit.

You penned a deal? Are you fucking Thomas Jefferson. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah, I pinned a deal, dude, like the Constitution. Thanks, my bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did it and it went pretty good. And, um, I'm gonna— when it comes out, I'm already writing away new shit. And let's go. And I'm gonna, um— the next hour will be better. I think I'm evolving. I really do. I feel you. Yeah, yeah. And so, um, that's why it took me so long. It was never like— here's the thing about me, I don't know why But, you know, I was a club guy. What I mean by that, I did comedy clubs and I always sold out even before podcast. I would do well. So in my mind, there was like no hurry. I never thought about theaters or Coliseums or anything like that, but I made a living, you know, playing, you know, I mean, the Yuk Yuk's or whatever, right?

So, oh yeah, there's so many great clubs.

Yeah. So whatever. And now it's like it's getting bigger, the audience, and I want to grow with my brand. And I want to expand. So that's what I'm doing.

Yeah, that's cool, man.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, dude, it's kind of crazy. It's like evolving is kind of scary. It's all kind of spooky sometimes. Like, like, like growing up, you know? Does it make sense? Kind of. You got to live on the edge of your comfort zone.

Fuck yeah. That's how you grow. That's how great men make it. Take risks and go through the fire. And I've always been afraid of that. And I think, like we talked about earlier, silence, you know what I mean? That's all okay. Mm-hmm.

That was almost great.

Yeah.

But you know what is great, dude? Yeah. Is seeing you. Really good to be here. Anytime I get to spend time with you, I feel lucky. Yeah. And your new show starts when? When does it start so people can watch it?

The Bad Game Show will start in probably September, October. Where's it going to be? It's super funny. YouTube. Let's go! Yeah, and there's the, uh, deadline.

All Things Comedy on the Bad Game Show. Dude, you guys look great!

Yeah, yeah, holy frick! And we have guests on, and they— two guests compete against each other in games we developed. Dude, put me on the poster. You said no to the game show. Did I really? Yeah, you did. But you know what?

What? Put me on the poster anyway. Yeah, I did. And I'll share that, dude. Um, all right, thanks for having me. I love you and thank you for being somebody that—

he just texted me again, Spade. He FaceTimed me.

Let's see what he says, because he might be on some bullshit. Dude, he was in frickin' Dickie Roberts.

I know, dude.

Did you see this laser? Puts a little cock on your shirt. Okay. Oh, that's the tits.

Like, I'm just going to hang up.

No, wait one more time. He's getting older.

Yeah, so you— did you FaceTime me? I tried to. Yeah, here's the—

what's up, dude?

I was trying to save Theo and like get him out of that interview. There was no controversy. He texted me the fucking, uh, password and I was like, oh, that means save him. Yeah, dude, I did. Wait wait wait! Wait so thank you so much for that information? I'll see you soon? I love you— I'm gonna hang up the phone okay?! All right... I love you bud no no no I love you I love you but all right so you did Did i?? To be continued to be continued now im just floating on the breeze an not even thinking about it I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found. I can feel it in my bones, but it's gonna take a little