Transcript of #655 - Sal Vulcano New

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I want to let you know that I'll be doing a podcast, taping this podcast, uh, before a live audience. Um, it's the only time I've ever done that, and it may be the only time I ever do. I don't know. Uh, but that will be with the champ, Iron Mike Tyson, on May 5th in Los Angeles at the Wiltern Theater. As part of the Netflix Is a Joke Fest. And after that, it'll be on our channel so you can see it there. You can get tickets at theovon.com/tour. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian. He's a host. He's a podcaster. He's just a— he's a universal smile maker. You know him from his hit show Impractical Jokers, and he's on tour doing stand-up right now. Always have a blast with the one and only Mr. Sal Vulcano.

Yeah, we start filming, um, season 13 on Thursday too. It's another thing.

Yeah.

Wow, it's wild. It's been on for, uh, It's been on the air for 15 years.

And have you ever met, like, a child that was, like, conceived during the show? Like, has that ever been a thing?

Yeah, people I know, people met and got married. And I know people tell me they fuck to it all the time.

Oh my God. Really?

I didn't think of that until one day I was standing outside getting a flat tire fixed. I was standing on a sidewalk and a guy pulled up at a light and he rolled down the window. He's like, Sal, I love you, man. I was like, thanks, man. He goes, I was having sex with my girlfriend last night while the show was on. And I was like, oh shit, I never really thought about that. So I went on to Instagram and I posted like, has anyone ever had sex while my show was on? And it was like hundreds of thousands of people. You don't— I don't even think of it, you know. One time somebody sent me, uh, uh, porn of people fucking and our show was on, on the TV in the background.

What?

Yeah, not like a professional one.

Oh, just amateur?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh shit, maybe one day you'll make the big moves. Yeah, man, hopefully we can show up on a Brazzers, you know, one day.

Maybe one day.

Oh my God, dude. And why do you think it is that y'all's show is one of those shows that's like, all right, you know, let's make a child of this, or let's get a little, you know, let's do the humping.

It's like background, you know, like you put it on anytime. You don't have to like follow anything. You just turn it on and it's good, like playing in the background. It played all day long. So it just, it's like one of those things, like when I get to a hotel room, I turn something on, it just like plays in the background. I think people just— people are going to go about their business.

You think? You think that's it?

I feel like so. I mean, I don't think it's intoxicating or anything. I don't think it's like, like oysters.

Yeah, yeah, visual oysters. Um, no, I do think there's something about y'all's show that it's like, it's the one thing like spouses could probably kind of agree on it, you know?

Yeah, we get that.

Yeah, there's not a lot, you know and you could have your kids are in there, you know, everybody could kind of agree on like, all right, we'll all kind of watch this. There's few shows like that now.

Yeah, no, you— yeah, that— there's like a Venn diagram where the kids and the parents both like it.

Yeah.

And they— they— that's what we hear a lot too, which is like it's a show that everybody can be like, oh, I'll watch that, you know what I mean? Uh, I guess, huh?

There's a new Little House on the Prairie coming out.

I think you and I have spoken about Little House on the Prairie before. Did we? Yeah, I think we did. Michael Landon, because you were a big fan, right?

Oh yeah.

Highway to Heaven. Oh, you're a Michael Landon fan or a Prairie fan?

The Highway to Heaven, and it needs to be repaved, brother. I'll say that. I mean, they got, you know what I'm saying?

What was it? Was he, he was an angel that was like in purgatory, and this guy's friend with the beard was another angel, or that was a—

his friend was like an Oakland A's fan.

So yeah, but was he an angel too, the friend, or was he a civilian?

No, his friend was a civilian, and he could see Michael Landon. Yeah. And everybody could see him, but he came back and then he realized that Michael Landon is an angel. Bring it up. Highway to Heaven. What was the storyline on that?

I haven't thought of that since the last time you and I spoke about it. And the time before that was when I watched it.

It's— Yeah, yeah. Same thing. Why do we— Yeah. Yeah, dude. Well, I've thought about it, but I can't believe that you remembered that we had talked about it because I haven't talked about it with someone since then.

Yeah. That's why I remember it. I'm like, I just remembered you making me laugh about it.

Highway to Heaven follows Jonathan Smith, Michael Landon, probationary angel, you're right, and Mark Gordon, an ex-cop, as they travel America helping people in need on behalf of the boss, God. The series focuses on providing divine intervention, love, and emotional support to individuals, individuals facing hardship.

Yeah, that's a pitch. That's such a funny pitch. It's like, okay, hear me out, an angel and an ex-cop. Yeah, that's really good. I'm like, I'm sold.

Oh yeah, Michael Lennon was one of a kind. I mean, that show was great. But yeah, we— The Highway to Heaven, I think they put a dang toll They put a toll booth on it now.

It's like, yeah, you can't even—

I—

they couldn't remake something like this today.

You don't think?

I know, maybe— I think now actually is when they probably can remake. Now I'm thinking about it. I mean, I think you need a good Christian drama.

I think you need something that's leading— I mean, it'd be nice, I think, if there were more influences towards faith, probably. Um, but even, even having Little House on the Prairie back, it's going to be a vibe, dude.

Oh wait, so they're bringing back Highway to Heaven or Little House on the Prairie?

Little House on the Prairie.

Because what was that Highway to Heaven right there just now on the right? What's that?

Oh, oh, they tried to bring it back, bro. I didn't even know.

No one knew. Nobody knew.

And they brought it back, it looks like, with an African-American actress. Who was her? Barry Watson. Oh, Jill Scott.

Jill Scott.

Grammy Award winner Jill Scott and Barry Watson.

Wow, that came and went. Oh, or is that coming out now? I'll give it a whirl.

It's 2021.

Oh, all right. Well, you can't— you can't— I mean, there's COVID times.

Yeah, people, and they were probably shipping people to heaven during COVID We were the highway to heaven during COVID It was a Pfizer 4-lane going on, bro. Fauci working the toll booth, getting the last dime out of you just to hit the turnpike.

Was he working towards salvation? Michael Landon in Highway to Heaven? Like, was he saving people to get in God's good graces? Like, why was he— he's probationary. Yeah. I would like to know how that series ended.

Yeah, what was the last—

he had to have gone to heaven. If he didn't, I mean, it would have been a huge letdown. No, no, I mean, imagine he just— imagine they just left it open like he didn't. They don't even tell us.

Yeah, let's go to the ending of it. The series Highway to Heaven did not have a planned definitive series finale as it was canceled due to low ratings.

Oh shit, wow. So they didn't. That's always a bummer when you invest in a show and yeah, and then just stops and you're like, yeah, that's, that's That's, that's hard.

Or when the whole nation invests in a show too and it ends, like Lost. Lost killed— Lost probably— I think there's people that died because Lost wasn't— it didn't do anything.

Yeah, there had to be some type of butterfly effect.

It was like, it was their hope. I'm gonna keep watching this and it's gonna get somewhere.

That was me. That was me. I watched Lost and at one point I thought Lost was the greatest show I had ever seen in my life. And then the last 2 or 3 seasons, it was like Maddening.

Yeah.

I mean, it was—

that broke a lot of people.

It's too convoluted.

Oh, people, divorces. I mean, that broke— people don't realize— you don't realize that if you invest that much with somebody into something and if that thing falls apart, you might— you can fall apart.

You can fall, you can unravel. Your whole life can unravel. Yeah. It doesn't take much these days.

Yeah, it doesn't.

Everyone's right there. All it takes is like just, uh, the, the creators of Lost stringing us along, telling us the whole time they have exact intentions when they fucking don't, and it comes out later. I don't know if anyone's ever taken them to task for that. I'll tell you another thing. I saw the finale. I couldn't tell you what— what— I can't explain to you right now. Yeah, yeah.

You can't even explain the ending. You did all that and you couldn't explain the ending to us.

Evangeline Lilly, God bless her. Really?

She's doing fine, I'm sure.

Yeah, she's like, uh, she's like in Ant-Man, right? She's like Ant-Woman.

Oh, she is?

I think so.

I didn't know. Yeah, that show was so good, dude. The flashbacks, the flash sideways, flash forwards, flash sideways. They started flashing sideways. I'm like, what is that?

I've never seen a flash sideways before. Lost.

Yeah, yeah.

How do you flash sideways? They did it.

Yeah, they did it.

I'd like to flash sideways today. I'd like to flash sideways today.

Yeah, you're doing, uh, you said you're in town, um, you're hitting the doctor, you're on the, you're on the, you're hitting the medical circuit, right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm in the medical circuit. My doctor lives out here, my boy from high school.

Really?

He's my primary.

So, and it's your friend from high school?

Yeah, it's my boy from, I've known him since we were 13.

Wow.

Yeah, so shout out James Loesch.

James Loesch.

J-Lo.

So I don't know if I want to go to my friend and let him, but I guess if he's your boy, you can trust him with anything.

Yeah, that's where it started out of.

Like, you can show him your body and whatever.

No, I haven't shown him my body. And that would be where I probably— that's— I understand what you're saying. Right there is where I thought I would have to do it this week, show him my body, because these— like, we had a list of things to do. I got like what's called a DEXA scan, a CT angiogram. I got a blood draw. For a full panel plus a cancer screening. I got an MRI today. I'm doing everything. And then it said in there— what is that? It said in there—

that's him, huh?

That's me. Oh, it is.

That's him. That's you again.

You pulled him up in a tux at 18 years old.

Dude, every time you hear we bring up pictures of gossip, I cannot even believe it's you. And it's you every time.

I know. It said physical. So I was going to— at one point I was going to be like, you don't have to, like, You don't have to hold my sack or anything, do you?

Yeah.

But then I just let it go and then he didn't say anything and then it was fine.

But do you think you're missing out on something that's important information or something? Just because you guys are like kind of shy or whatever?

I was wondering if in general, like, when was the last time you got a physical?

A physical?

You had to do it for the movie or something like that, maybe?

Probably. I mean, I wouldn't bet it probably wasn't too long ago, but I've gotten all the blood panels. I get them done all the time.

Yeah, yeah. So I just don't know if that's antiquated, like them holding you and saying cough or drop your pants. I don't really hear people talk about that anymore.

Yeah, hold them in. Yeah, call your stepfather a queer or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

That's not— that's not— yeah, it's— I mean, it's not a medical term. They're taking liberties.

Yeah, they're taking liberties, dude.

You're like, I don't think I was gonna cough, but call my dad a queer? Trust me, just do it. It's like, yeah, it's—

yeah, it'll release some stress. You're like, okay.

I don't know what they're looking for, but if he didn't touch my balls, then I guess like he's not gonna find anything there. Yeah, so like, I guess that was, uh, an oversight. Yeah, yeah, but I guess what are they checking for when they hold your balls? Like a hernia?

Well, I, I mean, look, I think it's on that.

I don't lift anything.

I got a bad back, doctor says I can't even lift my balls, bro. Let's check it right now. Yes, it is standard medical procedure for a doctor to hold the scrotum while asking you to cough and check for it, and I get that, but that shit seems hella, um It seems like the Catholic Church is involved in it a little bit. There's a little backsplash of uncertainty. But what, uh, how do we self-check our own balls? That's what I would look up. Yeah, maybe a self-exam I could do, because it's probably time, man, that we know how to do this. Just because there's a lot of times I'm sitting in a lobby or I'm chilling, you know.

Yeah, and then you don't know what's going on down there.

Well, it's like, I might as well check it out. Yeah, there's times where I'll just—

oh yeah, we could check all the time. Yeah, if we know what we're doing, we're checking without knowing, usually.

Yeah, usually I'm feeling around my balls like, oh, what is that? Don't touch that.

There's like that part that's like, nah, it's the thing attached to the ball that's like weird.

Yeah, yeah, like, oh, that's the HVAC area.

Yeah, yeah, I'm not certified like, you know, inner bag. I don't really know anything in the inner bag.

There's definitely, dude, yeah, there's moments where you're like, oh, what is that? That's what gets scary, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, that just feels like— and then like, it's like, feels like a— oh, that's just a Skittle or something.

I still won't go. Yeah, I still won't go if I feel like I have a taste like a rainbow in— like if I have a Skittle in there or something, I would just be like, I would sooner Google it. There's something I just— I'm not really— he would have had to probably take his balls out for me to feel comfortable.

Oh, that's fair. Yeah, dude, that should be something you guys do for the show for like one of the things.

Yeah, we'll do that.

Get him into that center, you know?

Yeah, I'll get my doctor in there and show his balls on our show. It makes sense.

Or just, you know, now with the doctor's got to do, you know, get him to, you know, I need you to hold your ball while you hold my balls. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? And we sing a little bit of Bruno Mars, you know?

Yeah, Bruno's good, man.

Dude, it reminds me, you had a story about Bruno, remember? He went to his show.

Yeah, yeah, he was dope. He was like, uh, it was a bit back, but he was like bartending for us backstage. And then during his finale, he was like yelling out quotes from my show, like in the middle of like, uh, you make me feel like I'm locked out of hell. And he just starts, and then there's pyrotechnics, and then he just started screaming out lines from the show. And I was like, I can't believe this. I actually missed it. I was like with people and, and like I didn't hear him say it, and they were freaking out. Oh, I think if I told this last time, but I was like, I remember like I was like 4 or 5 people. I was with my girl and, and, and, and the guys and and they went nuts. And I thought they were just going nuts for the song, Lock. And I was like, wow, they're really big fans. Like, that's like— they were like overhyped, you know. Obviously they just heard him quoting us, so they were reacting like that. And I was like, this song is good, but I like— they're really into it.

And then like a few minutes later, like, I can't believe he, he shouted out—

you, you was getting something.

No, I was right there with him, but I didn't hear— like, there was fireworks going off and I didn't hear it. And then I was like— and then they were like, I can't believe he's quoted you. I'm like, he quoted me and you didn't even know you were right there.

Is this real?

That's real. You could pull off— it looks, it looks like AI, right? That's real. You could pull off a hat like that.

There's Bruno Mars. I could never pull off a hat like that.

Never.

Joe and Sal came down to the show in Albany tonight. Albany.

Oh, it's Albany.

Albany. Albany. Sorry. And if you ain't seen the show in Practical Jokes, you're missing out. Apparently. Apparently.

Yeah, apparently. Apparently.

Murr was there.

Yeah, Murr got there late and after it was over. He got stuck in traffic and he like drove 8 hours and missed it. I swear to God. Yeah, he drove. I'm not— I know he might. Honestly, honestly, I think he drove like 13 hours. I don't know why. I forgot the circumstances surrounding it, but he got there late and just missed the whole thing.

Damn.

Yeah, dude. God, I couldn't wear a hat like that.

Yeah, I couldn't wear a hat like that. I wouldn't be able to do it good. So we don't forget this because I do think it's important. What can we do to check out our nuts to make sure that we're okay? What do we do actually?

Cut this first.

Using both hands, and I'll just, you just cut my waist up. Don't do me lower than the waist. I'm gonna check while we're here.

I can't see it, but I'll, you tell me, maybe you gimme a play-by-play.

All right.

Like what do you feel, what are you feeling for right now? What do you, what is it? I don't know.

I think I feel like I'm in like the cottage cheese section right now. You know what I'm talking about?

Well, well ultimately though, what are you check, what are you looking for? Are you looking for a hernia? Are you looking for a skill? Like, what are you— what are you looking for?

Cancer.

Oh, that's what we're doing? That's like— that's cancer?

What are you doing? Cancer screening? Yeah, I'm not going to waste my time.

You might as well screen for everything if you're feeling around. Just do a full thing. Screen for everything, dude.

I can't do a full panel or whatever. You could do it.

Can you tell the difference between a hernia and cancer? I know. I will say, like, it is weird with both hands on your balls while I'm talking to you.

Yeah, I agree.

Yeah, normally it would be when we first met.

Well, if you would give— yeah. If you would give me a second, I'm trying to see if I have cancer.

Okay, what is this? What is this? What is this, uh, animation though? What is— why is it no sack?

I don't know, that's DickSAR, I think. Yeah, that was a cheap joke, but thank you for supporting.

That was good, man.

Take me— just get it on the wording again one more time. Go back. Perform a testicular self-exam monthly. Oh God, dude, I am— I am 400 months behind schedule. Yeah, ideally during or after a warm shower when the scrotum's relaxed. Yeah, you— oh, if you got that hard bag, bro.

Yeah, you can't do it in like the winter.

Yeah, if you feel like it's like kind of like a— feels like a bit of like a really ripe avocado, you gotta back off the sack.

Yeah, that's right.

Using both hands, gently roll each testicle between your thumb and finger to check for hard lumps, smooth bumps. That's a unique term. That's got to be an oxymoron. Smooth bumps? How can you find that? That's crazy.

What's a smooth bump? Isn't it by definition a bump not smooth? Hard lumps, smooth bumps. Theo Von Story.

My journey through chemotherapy. Or changes in size, shape, or consistency.

What do they mean, changes in size? Like, it's like a—

I guess if one's gotten really— like, one sounds like it— like its throat's clogged or whatever.

Oh, there's always one bigger than the other, isn't there? Or is that breasts? Isn't that true for balls and breasts? There's always one that's bigger.

Yeah, I think that's true. I'm gonna read this one part off and then we'll get to that. Hard pea-sized lumps or nodules, a new dull ache or feeling of heaviness in the lower abdomen or groin. So that I think is more for hernia. And then significant swelling or a sudden change in size. So I guess the good thing is if you do it repeatedly, you'll start to— that's the thing, you probably have to do it repeatedly so you get an idea You catch it. Yes, you have a baseline.

You have a baseline.

Because otherwise, if you're just wandering into your nuts with your hands or whatever, right, everything in there, yeah, you don't know what's in there at all.

Yeah.

No, neither testicle nor breasts are always perfectly symmetrical. One side is typically slightly larger, positioned differently in most people. Hmm. And the testicles usually hang at different levels. That gives them also the illusion of seeming like they're different size.

It'd be funny if we didn't have a sack and they just hung the ball like in that— like how the hand was holding the two individual testicles.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, that would be weird.

That'd be very weird.

Like hung like on a string, like on strings, like just like kabangas. Like, yeah, like those kabangas. Yeah, when we were little, like it was like two balls on strings and you were like pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And they were like, they were called kabangas.

Bring them up, them kabangas, bro.

Yeah, get those kabangas up there. You don't remember those?

I never seen those in my life.

What, bro? They still sell them now, buddy.

I promise you. Where?

Man, dude, I'm so— I'm sorry because like I had some really nice times with those.

Would they come back?

Yeah, like they're real. When you get— when you— when you know what you're doing, you can see a video of somebody doing it. When you know what you're doing, it's, it's a, it's a real treat.

Oh, here's a video, a commercial for them. Smitty's has them. They're the original curbangers and they're guaranteed safe for play and unbreakable, so they'll never chip, peel, or shatter. Get the original Kerbangers at Smitty's and get set for some fast action. Oh, you knock it freaking tooth out. You knock your neighbor's nuts off.

Yeah, they were like little, like, uh, nunchucks.

Oh, I did used to wish that like your nuts had like a— they were like secret hearing device, whatever. Like you could throw, roll one somewhere into a room and it would be able to hear what was going on.

That's really good.

Like a recon nut or whatever.

Yeah, like a James Bond nut.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good.

There's, you know, the, the sack is a good place to hide something. Oh yeah, you know, if you can get like some type of surgery where you get like a— it's almost like a— you remember what, you remember what they call Ruse? Kangaroos, the sneaker Ruse? Yeah, remember? And so the thing about kangaroos, or Ruse I think they're called, is every single sneaker had a like a hidden pocket on it. Oh, that's right, that was part of their thing.

On the side.

And they should bring those back, you know. But that'd be like, you can do that with your pouch, like with the sack, and then you could hide stuff in there.

Yeah, I bet you could get that modulated, bro. If you got your nuts modulated, bro, you could do that in a fucking heartbeat. Or yeah, get you a little side, get you a little pouch almost, or get like almost like a little fanny pack put on it. Yeah, they should make a little fanny pack for your nuts that goes around you.

This is not a bad idea if we could find a safe medical way to do it, because you ever throw on like a pair of sweats and there's no pockets and you leave the house and you got no pockets? Oh, when you have no pockets, I feel like I might have to go back.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I, I will not buy pants without a proper pocket, or like, you know what I mean?

Yeah, well, of course I know what you mean.

Yeah, yeah. And then, and then, and then, and then, but if you had a sack that held stuff like a pouch, you feel like you wouldn't have to think about it anymore. You could throw on any pants you want. You could flippantly throw on pants before you leave the house, not even think twice about it.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, if you're like, oh, I'll just— yeah, I got enough room for just a couple Zans.

Or you could put like your license in there, a key, key fob.

I think putting your license into your nuts is crazy work, bro.

Yeah, you're right. But the whole concept is— so you could have gave me— it's just, you know, we're just trying— I mean, I don't think we're putting anything in there really, but—

well, here's the thing, if I don't have—

you're gonna put a zinn in there? Two zinns? I think you could put— I would, I would be careful putting two zinns in there. That's the tobacco? Yeah, yeah, you are— took it to another level. Now you're gonna get bowl cancer. All I'm doing is trying to have identification on me.

Yeah, you're right. You're right, man. I'm really going to kind of like my separate way.

But also, I didn't ever got that enhanced license for travel. So now, just in case, I always got to bring my passport with me to the airport. I'm always afraid I'm going to forget it at home and then it's going to be lights out because I can't get on a thing. So I would put my— maybe my pass— I would— you have to fold it up. It might be on console, but I would maybe permanently carry my passport in my sack.

Bro, you can't fold— dude, think about this though, Sal. I hear you and I love what you're saying, but you're right, to fold your fucking passport—

it was stupid. Yeah, I know, it's too much. I couldn't do it. It's not— it's not built to be folded.

But here's what I do think is because yeah, if you had your nuts or whatever, yeah, if you could put two— I'm trying to give you a couple, couple zens in your nuts or whatever, a couple Alps in there.

Um, you do the zinning?

I don't do it.

I mean, neither.

I don't know, but I think it would be crazy if they're like, yeah, we, we think you have, uh, like gum cancer in your nut. Like, you'll get like tooth and gum cancer or whatever. Yeah, they're like, somehow you got mouth—

you got gingivitis of the balls.

Somehow you got mouth cancer. Yes, because I've been fucking zenning. Yeah, through my magical nut pouch. But dude, the, the, uh, no two nuts are the same. You know that? No two nuts actually like snowflakes. Yeah, yeah, pretty cool. You know what time it is? You know what time it is? PrizePicks, America's number one sports picks app. The app is really easy to use. That's why I like it. To get started, you just pick more or less on 2+ players' stat projections and lock in your picks. That's it. It's simple. And with the NBA playoffs here, there's no better time to get in on the action. PrizePicks is now an official daily fantasy partner of the NBA, and that kicks off with an NBA Finals sweepstakes. Just enter a lineup with a live NBA pick during the NBA playoffs for a shot to win a trip to the NBA Finals. That's it. More details at prizepicks.com/nbasweepstakes. Best of all, PrizePicks will give you $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup. Win or lose, you'll get $50 in lineups. Use promo code Theo when you download the app and sign up today.

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You dance?

No, dude, but I will tell you this. My friend and I, maybe almost probably like maybe 30 months ago or whatever, we went to the park and we saw, uh, and we watched the people do the salsa dancing.

Salsa? Did you?

So good.

That's right, 30 months ago you went to the park?

Yeah.

And watched people salsa dancing?

And bro, we watched it. At first we were like, whatever, bro, let's don't look too long because it's just me and him and we're not with anybody or whatever.

Well, but you, it was just, you, you mean like there was like competition or like a dance party or something?

Yeah, it's just a dance party they had over there by the lake. It's over there by Centennial Park in, uh, in, uh, Nashville. You can probably even look it up. And so they— yeah, it was just like a lot of Latinos and a couple of like Indian guys trying to pretend they were Mexican or whatever, like putting on like—

yeah, but they, they have their own really good dance routines too. You ever see them? They go, they go hard. Yeah, like those, those like, like those routines where everyone's doing the same thing, they say choreographed. It's like She's All That. It's like She's All That.

Is it like that?

I feel like what the, the, like the Indian weddings I've seen in passing on like YouTube or like in Instagram.

Yeah.

And you see them dance and like they all like know the exact— that's so cool.

That's my dream.

That is cool, huh? For like a, a dance to bust out and everyone does it together.

Yeah. You know, dude, that's a good— yeah, man.

Yeah, I went out dancing last night.

You went out dancing?

I felt like my mom in the '80s.

You're lying.

I swear to you, I went out dancing.

You felt like your mom? I wore a brooch. You wore a brooch?

No, but I, I do love a brooch though.

Me too.

I do. I got my wife a brooch recently. With.

You did?

I swear to God.

Yeah, that's awesome.

I love it. So brooches, they're just wonderful. I think they're like— they're not in, uh, I don't know if they're really in style anymore, but, uh, they're timeless brooches.

Yeah, yeah. I think when you see someone with a brooch, you think— well, sometimes you think like somebody passed away and there's like a little image of them in it, right? Sometimes like a lock, something like that.

Yeah, yeah. But sometimes it's just decorative.

Yes. Yeah, you think this— they're almost like— it feels like a little bit of royalty, like neighborhood royalty.

I like it. Yeah, It does feel like something, like a little bit of like a badge.

Yes.

Yeah, right.

That's what it is. Oh yeah, they got some great brooches.

There's a place here called the Five Spot. It's a bar. And on Mondays they have Motown Mondays. And that's all I need to hear.

Yeah.

I love it. It was like soul music, Motown music. And we went last night. It was one of my friend's birthdays. So we went and I was like, I don't go out because at home I'm just working and the kids and stuff. So I was like, let's go, let's go. Dude, I danced for like a good couple hours last night. No. I don't remember the last time I did that. Probably like at a wedding or something, but I was like in the wild dancing.

No way. Yeah, dude, that's so fun. And everybody was just dancing, having fun?

Everybody. Yeah, the place wasn't that crowded and every last person there was dancing.

Get Down On It, they play stuff like that.

Fuck, you talking about Kool the Gang? Yeah. Come on, babe, I love it. Yeah, you get down. That song comes on by Kool the Gang, I have to dance. Yeah, I don't know about you. So you don't dance?

Uh, you know But here's the thing, I just forget about it, you know. I think if I had a date, like someone, like, I wouldn't mind having a date and we go to the, um, square dancing. There is a Tuesday night place here that does square dancing. I think it's the American Legion or something where they teach you how to square dance. My friend Chris just went last week.

And line dancing like that?

Yes. Yeah, so I would like to learn that.

Yeah. And then, uh, that's a nice entry point. Yeah, and just a couple of two steps. Gets you feeling like you're part of the group.

Yes. To get me out on the dance floor. I used to love to dance. Now, sometimes I think I feel a little bit like sometimes I have some social anxiety about that shit. Sure.

It's hard to dance now if people are like, yeah, you can't just let loose.

Yeah, honestly, I'm afraid. Yeah. Somebody will video me and probably make fun of me, which is fair. I'm okay if they make fun of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But just doing it like, oh, like, like there's some part of it I don't like. And I think it's just that, I don't know. I— here's the thing. I don't want to see a video of how bad I'm dancing because I want to still believe in my head that I'm a good dancer.

Sure, sure, sure.

That's what it is. Yeah, but don't take that ability away from me. Yeah, by like using me to fucking just to burn me one.

I would love to watch you sincerely dance. Okay, you know, okay, you know, I would just love to see you like genuinely dancing. Okay, let's see what that looks like. Okay, you know what your rhythm is, what your moves are, like how you get down.

I think a lot of like that, oh, when the blues would come on, bro, I'd get out there and dance to the blues. Yeah, they used to have a place called Tabby's Blues Box over there in downtown Baton Rouge, bro, and I'd get out there, bro, and they had a little bit of sliced ham or something over there on the side, you know.

They're a little like, they put out a little like, uh, a little like all-you-can-eat like type of thing or something.

It was like, it wasn't all you could eat, but it was like you can eat a little. Yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying.

But they had like, I had that food, people would dance to the blues and eat ham. Yeah.

They had a dude sitting by it, so you know you couldn't have that much.

Oh, so it was like he served it. He like— you like— like when you get up at a wedding at a buffet, like, and they slice it for you like that?

Oh yeah, like that. No, no, no. Ham steak? No, this was just kind of regular ham. Not like deli ham? No, I was like a— it was like a few stairs up from deli ham.

So somewhere between deli ham and a ham steak?

Yeah, like neighborhood ham or whatever. Or like ham that had been kind of trucked in. It had been flown in. Okay, but it didn't come on a truck.

But how do they prepare it? Like, what's on, like a glaze?

No, they just cooked— I think they cooked it.

Just cooked ham?

Yeah.

And then, and then the blues. Yeah, well, the blues.

And they had some crackers out there. They just had a little setup, but they had a dude. You could tell you couldn't have a lot because they had a dude sitting by it, right? They had like, we're gonna pay this dude to sit by it.

Yeah, because that's unfortunately what happens in society. If you just have unchecked ham, it's gonna be like a Black Friday situation. You know, you ever see when they give the tote bags at Trader Joe's? People just become animals. Yeah, yeah, you can't—

ham—

people are already sad listening to the blues, you can't just put out ham, they're gonna run for that.

It's a comfort food. Oh bro, yeah, there was one, one song was so sad and I had a mouthful of fucking ham and it's hard to cry when your mouth's full, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, you remember being a kid, you're like, cry and chew. Yeah, you couldn't— yeah, you can't cry and chew.

You can't, you can't cry and eat.

It was a fat boy's dilemma, bro.

You really can't though.

That's why you can't be sad and chubby, dude, because that's the dilemma that God sets you in. Like, you're gonna be able to have as much little ham as you want, but you ain't gonna be able to be sad about it.

Yeah, that's why people eat, to stop crying.

Oh dude, yes. Why isn't that— should be written on our American flag.

Think about someone like with a huge hoagie, hysterically crying and eating it. I've never seen it. It's a visual I've never seen. People can't cry and eat at the same time. Yeah, right.

It's like sneezing and, uh, or it's like, uh, yeah, right, whatever it's called, sneezing and like wishing for something. Yes.

And I thought it was something with sneezing.

It's like rubbing your belly and like chewing gum.

No.

Yeah.

And, uh, and patting your head, flirting with your neighbor's wife or something.

Yeah, you can't do it all.

Yeah, it's like, yeah, patting your head, rubbing your belly, and checking your balls for cancer.

Yeah, you cannot do the same at the same time. Dude, thank you, bro. Oh, thank you for making me laugh today. I appreciate it.

Of course, man.

I appreciate it. Um, I want to ask you, so you— because your podcasting has changed recently, and I wanted to talk about this. I wanted to know why, because you had two podcasts. You had one that you got— you were doing with, uh, Chris DeStefano.

Yes, Hey Babe.

Hey Babe. And then you had your own.

I had one with Joe DeRosa called Taste Buds.

And you had one with Joe DeRosa called Taste Buds.

Yeah.

And Joe moved to Austin. Yes, he did. So that kind of brought that one to an end.

Yeah. And Chris moved up like state or whatever, but—

Oh, he's living upstate.

Yeah, but I've— I'm telling you, because when we put these on hiatus, we said to the fans, like, they're just going on hiatus. It's been a couple of years now, but people think we, like, we lied. We had no intentions of bringing back. We have full intentions of bringing them both back. No joke. Like, I talked to both of them, both of them recently. Chris texted me 2 days ago and said, you want to do like a short run of them just to put it back out there? And I'm like, yeah. And I talked to Joe. He said the same. So We really are going to bring it back, but I got a new talk show, like, pod coming out called Minouche, which is like short for Minousha. And it's like big guests, small talk, but it's like, it's like absurd. It's like, uh, it goes in and out of conversation and sketch comedy. It's like something just completely different, huh? Yeah, like it's, uh, it's, it's off the wall. It's really fun. I shot like 10 episodes.

So you already did?

Yeah, I shot 10. I'm gonna do them by seasons, like 10-episode seasons. So I'm gonna release it like probably sometime in May. And then kick it off. It's been so much fun. I talked to you about it.

You got to come up. Yeah, I'm going to come in.

When you come through New York, I'm going to come and do one. Please. I would love to have you. We'll have a lot of fun.

I'd love to be on there.

It's really different. Like, it's not this—

Well, yeah, that's what I'm curious about. So, like, yeah, because you're saying it also involves improv. So how does that kind of look? Or a little bit of like—

It's like nothing that we do and say is to be taken seriously. It's all just— we're doing shtick the whole time and we're in on the joke. But it's edited really fun. Added in like little chunks and it's like to look like it's on an old VHS tape. It's like, it's, it's really, I don't know, it's just something I just made up like a couple years ago when we went on hiatus. I'm like, I want to do something completely like solo that has like a really specific sensibility to it. So it doesn't, I mean, this isn't a great pitch, it doesn't sound funny, but you know, it's really, it has a really unique— I'm super excited.

You do a lot, I mean, those are your wheelhouses, you know, comedy and improv. And so to have some of that together, I think it definitely makes sense. How was, I It sounds cool.

If you, if you talked about this enough, no problem. But like, how was your experience filming the movie and stuff? Did you guys improvise a lot on that?

Um, I, I think I didn't know exactly what was going on, to be honest with you.

Like, bro, until the day we showed up there, it's got to be nerve-wracking, right?

I thought it was all emails. So the day we showed up on set, I was like, no way, everybody was being real serious about this, you know? Yeah. And it was a real movie. There's like people walking around. There's like one guy just looking for something. Yeah, you know, there's like some guys like dressing somebody up like in a, uh, you know, um, outfit or whatever, you know. It's like, we need—

you had the full trailer, like all that shit.

Oh, everything is like electrical lines. It's like, don't— you know, and people—

you like, you, you funded it too? Like, you guys made it yourself?

Yeah, we wrote it and funded it and everything.

So isn't that like— how like nerve-wracking was that to like be like, all right, whether we're gonna— this is gonna do well, we're gonna invest it back? But even the fact that you've never done that before And then to walk in on a production that like that size and then be at the like the person running it basically.

That's a good question, dude. I think honestly, like I kind of struggled with like that, you know, I want to be in like, you know, I'm very particular about what I put out in a way. Like, I just, I wanted to try and be true to myself. However.

Right.

And it wasn't like bad or anything. It was just different. Right. And I had and I and going back, I wish In some places I wish I would have spoke up more, and in some places I wish I would have spoke up less.

It's going to be a learning experience. We made the one movie and it was a learning experience for me. Like, I didn't like a lot— there's a lot of things I would change after it.

But did a lot of people go see your movie?

Yeah, yeah, it was out when COVID hit. We were in theaters when the world shut down, so we were expanding because like we were doing that. We had a great per-theater average, so they didn't give us a wide, wide rollout, but we were, uh, we were the highest per-theater average, so it kept expanding week over week. So we were heading into our fifth week, they were going to give us like a few more weeks, and then it shut down. Yeah, it's kind of nuts.

But yeah, I don't have a ton of ego in it. I think it was awesome. I learned so much.

Did you have nerves like every day, or did they go away?

No, I just—

because I would just be like, did I have nerves?

For sure. Some scenes I did, some scenes I just got to be David's— I'm like the, uh, ball. I'm like, say if somebody's bouncing a ball off a wall, I'm kind of the wall, right?

Sure, sure.

And then it kind of changed over time. It changed a little bit where I'm like, sometimes I'm catching the ball and throw it Yeah, so I think it was just moments of confidence, um, when my confidence would feel okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, uh, and learning as I went. But I mean, I'd take an acting class over the years. I'd done a lot of practice scenes and shit, but in the end you just want to have fun with your buddy and you want to come up with what's funny. So we'd be sitting there improvising a lot, like throwing ideas. It'd just be like, we'll try this one. And then sometimes you want to hold your idea because you don't want to tell them because you want to say it in real time. Yeah, so it's actually funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You had a lot of that.

Yeah. But looking back, I think there's so many just little moments, like just seeing like Spade, like just trying to stay warm because we had a day like we were supposed to shoot during the fires, the shit fucking, you know, dude, whoever it was, somebody that Spencer Pratt hates tried to burn down the Palisades, you know? And while all that shit was happening, you know, our movie was supposed to shoot. But once you've already paid and got shit locked in, you're kind of locked in.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

And so we— one day there was like 60-mile-per-hour winds and we we didn't need wind in the movie or whatever. Right, right, right.

You have to— it has to be in it.

We can't afford a redo. So, right, right, right. You know, it's like, yeah, it's 60 miles an hour winds.

It's a scene of you guys like in the park and there's a tornado for no reason. Like, you, you do make mention of it in the movie, or is it just like whipping winds?

Oh, there's just whipping winds. This one, this one day at this gas station, um, the guy, uh, Stevie Januski, Steve Little, he's from, uh, Eastbound and Down.

Oh, Oh, God, dude, he is the funniest guy.

He is.

I mean, that character, the outtakes from Eastbound and Down are the— I think probably the greatest thing ever recorded. You worked with him? How is he in real life?

Oh, dude, I mean, it's literally like the nicest guy you could ever be around.

He's so funny.

It's all like, for somebody that has such an effect, like being funny, it's almost like he doesn't want to have too much of an effect in any other way. Not in— he just— he's a gentle guy. That's what I mean. He's a gentle guy. He doesn't— he's not trying to stir the pot or anything.

Sure.

But you fucking put him right there in the middle of the porch and cut those lights on, and dang, it's—

oh, he made— he had you laughing.

It's a beautiful soup.

Yeah, that's awesome.

So yeah, just little things like that, I think. And looking back and like, um, so the, the fires delayed you? No, we just had to like move a little bit over this hill, you know, and like, we'll probably be safe over this hill or whatever. And I'm like I was like, that sounds—

Oh, it was like during them?

Well, yeah, yeah, that's— Oh yeah, it was during them.

Oh my God, dude. No, when you're like, it's like, it's shit was spreading across town.

Like, yeah, there'd be times you'd be going across. Yeah. And you'd see just—

Oh my God.

You see a bird fly by and he was on fire or whatever. You're like, dude, stop, bro. He's like, I gotta get somewhere. You know, he's like, my wife's pissed or whatever. You're like, all right, just do it.

Oh man.

But yeah, I didn't even think to say that. Yeah, the fires were going on. So there'd be days you're driving home and shit's just on fire everywhere.

That's messed up.

It was crazy.

We had to, um, have the— I, I executive produced this show that, that started, that came out this week actually. It's called, uh, Foul Play with Anthony Davis, AD, NBA player.

Oh yeah, he played for the Pelicans.

He played out of New Orleans. He's in the— he, I was— I think he's on Dallas now. He got traded from the Lakers.

Oh, they traded him?

Yeah, I think so. But, uh, but, um, so he has his show. It's like a, it's like a punked almost, right? Uh, it started last week. We had to pull up, we had pull a bit from the first episode. 16 episodes. It just— and it rated— it just aired. It rated like the highest new series on TBS in like years. But so we had this thing where Floyd Mayweather was the guest and he was helping us do this like prank on this person. So this family lost their house in a fire. This was before the fires.

Okay.

Family— like the setup was that this family lost their house in a fire and Floyd Mayweather held this charity barbecue for them to get, like, with the community to get, like, their belongings back. So people brought them, like, gifts and stuff.

That's beautiful.

So they got all their, like, their housewares and things back. And, like, people are donating this stuff at the barbecue, at the charity barbecue. And then all their stuff catches fire from the barbecue and burns again. So, like, they just lost their home.

I feel like I almost saw this, dude.

It was the funniest thing ever. And Floyd Mayweather is in on it. But then when the fires happened, we're like, we can't put this in. It's too insensitive. So they pulled it. But it was supposed to be in the first episode. It was really funny.

And Draymond Green was there?

Yeah, he was in another one.

He's always fighting. He's always hitting white dudes all the time.

Is he? I don't know.

He used to be anyway. He might have gotten healed or whatever. He might have gotten saved.

I haven't heard much about him hitting—

He was just hitting whites or off-whites or whatever. He's hitting like mixed dudes. Like it was like mixed and down, you know? It just seemed like a lot of times he wouldn't crack like a real solid Black dude. I will say that, bro. And respect him, he's a champion and he whooped my ass, but he, uh, he definitely punched mixed and down, I think, you know? Um, but dude, that's so cool. What's Anthony Davis like? Does he have a big personality?

Yeah, he's dope. He's really fun.

He—

the reason we ended up doing this, because he was a guest on our show And, uh, we did a bunch of stuff with him, and then he was like, I love this. He's like, I love this more than basketball. He's like, this is what I really want to do. I swear to God, he's like, I— this is what— this is where I really wish I could do. And we're like, why don't we develop something together? And then we did and got picked up.

Foul Play.

Foul Play.

That's awesome. So people can watch this on TBS?

Yeah, it's on every week now.

Dude, that's great, bro. Yeah, um, I'll share something about it as soon as our show's over.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, Dude, we got that.

We got— and I told you, we got— I start filming Jokers again, uh, in 2 days, season 13. Crazy.

So Minutiae is the podcast? Yeah, yeah, podcast improv show.

I think it's like a talk show.

Okay. Yeah, it's a talk show. And that's just gonna be on YouTube?

Yeah, well, we're gonna pitch it, we're gonna, you know, try to sell it.

But, you know, YouTube's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're doing YouTube.

It used to be like just on YouTube, but now you're like, if it better be on YouTube.

Yeah. Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah.

Dude, yeah, that's great. You're staying so busy. Do you feel kind of overwhelmed?

Yeah, yeah. I had another kid since I saw you last.

Oh, dude, remember last time, dude?

Yo, man. Yeah. You know what, dude? I get talked to so much about my appearance on here last time and the clip of me talking about my daughter.

Oh, yeah.

It was pretty dope.

Let's play it. I want to see it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just want to feel something today. How about this?

Let me remember. I hadn't spoken about anything in public prior to this. Your show now is like, it's, it's like news is the news media now.

Like, this is, you know, this is literally two guys trying to decide if they have testicular— testicular cancer.

I'm like, all right, so I like, let's, you know, I talked about on my own terms with you. I felt comfortable. I'm like, you know, you were like, you take it out if you want. Like, just leave it, just put it out. I'm happy. And ever since then, it's been like a, a new thing for me because like it's out in the open now. Now my new hour that I'm touring with, like, I talk about my family, my kids. I never did that before.

Take me through some of that. Will you honestly just talk, like, honestly, Sal, like, just tell me like, yeah, because I think there's like, there's probably parts in all of our lives where we're afraid to talk about something.

Yeah.

Or afraid to talk about it, and then it ends up being different on the other side. Because yeah, I think you were, uh, yeah, let's just say we'll take a peek at it really quick. We can always take this out.

Inexpressible pure happiness and joy that you feel like you are full. I love the music in the background.

I don't know why. Overwhelming.

You cannot process it. Yeah, you can't believe it.

Damn, I'm crying. That's good. That's good, man. Why do they put the music? That was a little morose.

It was. It felt like, yeah, it felt like the beginning of Castlevania.

Remember that game?

Yeah, that music.

Yeah, it was like, come on, this guy's talking about—

on the one-two player screen is like, yeah, in the beginning, the guy with the whip.

That was a gay player, dude. That's like when a gay guy kind of gets trapped in like, like, in a fucking— at a Halloween party in New Jersey. Dude, that's what Castlevania was because it's just this dude just running around with a whip.

That wasn't like the most popular clip. What happened was a lot of parenting, like, accounts, like Instagram accounts, and they picked that up and inspirational accounts. And it was a different clip and that it just went like so, so viral. And then because your show is like so big, like, like Us Weekly and—

Did they really?

All those People and all that stuff picked up. It's like Sal's secret wedding. And it's like, well, it wasn't really a secret. I just didn't like tell you guys I got married. It was like a secret wedding.

But that's kind of hot though. It kind of makes it kind of hot for you and, uh, Francesca that it's just like, oh, it's a secret wedding. That had some allure to it. Oh, Impractical Jokers star Sal reveals, um, he secretly got married and has a baby daughter. Bro, that makes you sound like a fucking rapper. Crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But dude, I have a boy now too.

No.

Yeah, the best, dude. It's the best.

Is he?

Yeah, he's so dope. Oh, he's awesome, man.

What's his name? Yes, bro. If it would have been any other name, I would not have been excited, dude. That's so cool, man.

Yeah, yeah.

But did it feel like— I want to, I want to hear about him.

Yeah.

Um, well, yeah, tell me what do you love about— what's— what— it's something that's just like, you know, so cool.

It's like, um, so I went through everything with my daughter and then like like, she's like 3 and a half now, he's about 16 months, and like, you, you, you— it goes so fast. It's so nice to get to do it over again because those moments that when they're that young are so fleeting. They change, they're growing so fast, they're like— it's a new thing all the time and it goes lightning fast. And you try the best you can to savor it, but it's like, it's, it's, it's— it goes so fast. So then to, to just start from scratch again and then like the first time, it's all firsts for you and the kid, right? So it's like you're processing all this stuff. And then so the second time, you have like a— you have this foundation and an idea, and you know what to look for already. So you kind of experience it, um, in a different way. You just experience it like a little bit more. You're able to really absorb it because it's not like you're like a deer in the headlights.

Oh, I see.

And so it's like you're playing hot potato the whole time. Yeah, exactly. And it's like you just— and you just um, it's just really nice to— those, those stages are the ones that, you know, parents are always like, oh, if I could have my kids back at that age again, you know. So it was like nice to get like a double dip in there.

That's cool.

And, uh, and just watch them grow, like interact and watch their relationship together build. Like the kids, there's nothing that— that's the— when they're like sitting on the couch together, leaning on each other, just eating fruit, you know, like, and he'll just crawl up on the couch and put his head on her shoulder while she's just like eating something, and they just sit there like— and then you walk into the room when you see them just cuddling each other, whatever. Yeah. It's like, come on, man. There's like literally nothing close to this.

Oh, that's so cute.

Nothing. I get right in between them. You know, they get on, you know, it just— Yeah. The best thing I could do is just have my kids in my lap, just holding them, you know, like just watching, like just— Yes.

I know, I bet it's almost like as you almost, I bet can't, I bet you almost feels like you can't even let them know how much you love them.

It's impossible. It's impossible.

That's kind of a crazy thing if you think about it, that there's something inside of us.

Yeah.

Even just as humans, right? Right? Where you— I couldn't even let you know how much I love you if I had— like, it's impossible for me to.

It's impossible. I don't know how to express it.

Yeah. And do you feel like that's probably a feeling for most parents?

It has to be. I think it's an innate feeling, right?

So, and I'm not trying to nurture, but I forget sometimes if I don't share what I'm feeling.

Sure, man.

So that to me just shows us how powerful love must be if we can't even even if, like, as human beings, just as like citizens in the world, yeah, we can't even— if like the love that you would have for your child, you can't even express it.

It can't be expressed.

It can't even be expressed.

Although nothing will do it justice. There's no way to like actually encapsulate it.

It's pretty powerful because other things you can express, a lot of other feelings like anger, hatred, you know, like, um, yeah, uh, affection, or like, um Look up some other feelings. Sorry, would you stop short of 3?

What was pretty— you're like, happy, mad, what else?

Um, confused, cranky. I mean, all these other things.

But this is so cool, you know. So I mean, to cut you off—

no, no, go on, you cut me off. But you get what I'm saying though, that isn't it crazy that we can't even— that it's— love is such a powerful thing. We could— it's bigger than us even as humans because we're not able to convey, you know what I'm saying? We can't. Yeah.

And that is pinging in my heart at all times. Like, I, you know, when you're like, your heart melts, you know that feeling? Like sometimes just in the moment you see something or like whatever, and you're like, your heart like melts a little bit. So what this is like is that like the melting feeling is constant. Oh yeah, yeah. So like just fully, it doesn't stop walking around with a mop. Yeah, yeah, dude, it just doesn't stop. It's like continually melting the whole time. If they're, you know, I talked about today, they're in— if they're even in the room with me, just something changes, you know. That's it. It's just— it's wild.

But, um, yeah, I remember you saying that, dude. Yeah, it was just— that was a— that was awesome to hear about.

And they're so— it's so cute to see them, like, girl. Like, see those, uh, you just had up those, those color-coded things? So my daughter, she goes to, like, occupational therapy, and she— to learn about, like, to process this stuff and her feelings. So they teach her this stuff. And so she, she knows all these, these color-coded emotions. So when she comes home and she's having, like, a— because they're gonna, uh, you know, they're gonna have these like these— it's inevitable for them to, like, when they grow up, to have these, like, um, you know, their tantrums and this, that they have to work through. All this is— it's not like you have a bad kid if they're like— if they act out. Like, they're gonna be crazy at 2 and 3 years old, right?

Because they're learn— all these feelings are so— are getting baked in. It was the first time they're getting developed and they don't know how to— you know, it's like the first time you get on a Lime scooter, you're like, you don't know, you're just fucking taking that bitch for a spin.

That was like the first time I got on one. Yeah, yeah, it was like I didn't know what was going on.

Yeah, yeah.

But she'll tell me, like, if she's like upset, she'll be like, Dad, I'm in the blue zone right now. They call it the blue zone. She's like, Dad, I'm in the blue zone right now. And I'm like, you're upset? She's like, yeah, I'm sad. I'm in the blue zone. She's like, I, I need to get to the green zone. Like, this is how she speaks to me. I'm like, let's do it. What do you need to get into that green zone? Let's do it. She's, she's dope, man. They're like my, you know, little best friends.

Dude, that's so cool though. Also for a kid even just to be able to like, well, Well, just to have a— instead of just having a feeling, have a thought about a feeling, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, what is— so it's, it's just adds so much more to you.

Yeah, yeah, it's unreal, really.

You're not just a victim of how you feel.

You—

there's a little bit more like, okay, well, let me write it.

Like, they start thinking in a way that's just not just basic. It's like, think about, like, at the end of the day, we— when she goes to bed, we always discuss the day. So we talk about, like, I'll sing her a song, and in the song I— with the song I sing her every night, I I made it up myself. Oh, just naturally it came out, you know? And then I started adding verses to it and now I sing this whole song. And the song, the whole point about the song is I love you, I love you so much, you'll never know how much I love you. Like, that's literally what it is. But then we talk about the day and, uh, and then I'll say like, you know, what would, you know, what were you most proud of today? So like, she's 3, but to get her thinking like that, like not just like, what'd you do today, but what were you the most proud of today? It positions her mind to think that way and then like build our confidence of it. This stuff, like there's so much parenting stuff and psychology, child psychology, all that.

It's fascinating. And it's like, you know, it's the most important job you'll ever have, you know. So I like take it like, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's great to— it's hard, but it's like, it's really fun to, to raise a, to raise a human being. It's, it's like, it's so, it's so— it's an honor, you know.

Like, it's a real honor, dude. That's pretty cool to be able to think out— think about it like that.

Yeah.

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Like, do they ever make you give them like something that's just—

no, they're too young for that.

Like, send me out into traffic or something. Put a earpiece in.

Punishments. Yeah, no, no, it's more about just managing, you know, just managing their behavior. But it's like, yeah, yeah, they just punish them.

Um, yeah, what was it— but what was it like? So after you kind of shared that you had a family, you kind of had— or that your family was growing, right? And sometimes, you know, I know you had said like, and it's not always everybody, you want to keep certain things that are just your own life, right?

Yeah, stuff. I was— I mean, I'm private. I was always private. So once you give it away away.

Did it feel different?

It felt like a weight lifted.

It did?

It did.

And has it been a positive thing, or do you— or just like, yeah, has it been like, okay? Does it feel— because trying to also protect everything all the time is also kind of— it's a lot. It is.

That, that took a lot. It took a lot to keep things to myself and not, you know, like, not let things get out. And when I'm out in public with them, you know, like, because everyone has a camera now and everything is— you always got this little like bird, like a worry worry, you know, because I want to— I, I won't ever post my kids online, like, I want to shield them from that. But just, it was just about protecting them, um, but people would chill with it. And like, now that it's out there, it's like, it feels like I could just freely talk about it. Feels good. Yeah, it feels good. It was like, you know, I'm glad I did it. Yeah.

What was one of the tough experiences that you had with your first child? Was there like a time that would like, you know, because like the other day my buddy Kevin and his wife, they like, I think maybe their kid like ate like a thing, a little bit of guacamole or something. What happened?

He's allergic?

I think his ears like swelled up or whatever, dude.

That's scary shit.

And they're like, shit, he's allergic to like Mexican shit or whatever, you know? So definitely, you never know, you never know. But you don't want to run your kid into the hospital and sound racist like, hey, I think he's allergic to like Mexican.

Yeah, yeah, well, Mexican flavors.

Mexican flavors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I meant. Latte stuff.

Yeah, yeah. I don't think that anyone would take it as like, you know, any— a slight against any Mexican people.

People are trying to look for an edge all the time.

They are. And I think I would be sure to specify.

Yeah, me too. I'd be like, that's the ingredients.

Yeah, yeah. They happen to be— they happen to be all Mexican cuisine, but I don't know what that is.

Yeah, they happen to use it best. Yeah. But yeah, and I think these have been bought from like maybe a Latin vendor. It could have been a Puerto Rican guy, who knows. It could have been, um, yeah.

That's the craziest thing though, like when they—

but yeah, so if they get hurt or something like that. So they ran him in. Yeah, so, but they're like, they don't know what's going on. You're like, you know, Max, he is just swollen up, you know, he's allergic to watching La Bomba or whatever. I'm like, I don't think that's a problem. But anyway, yeah, uh, but anyway, what I'm saying is— sorry, what is wrong with me? Why can't I say what I'm saying? What I'm saying is that it threw my buddy for like a— it was crazy, you know. I saw him like, it was like he was so freaked out, dude.

I, I sometimes they'll fall, like hit their mouth and start bleeding or something. You see, when you see blood on your kid, it's It's like, and you have to be like so chill. You have to dictate the tone so they don't, you know, then they have—

that's true.

Yeah, I mean, that's the best way to do it, to keep them even-tempered. And like, they're going to reflect your energy and, and they're going to react the way you teach them to react to some stuff. So you always got to try and play it even-keeled and like not make a big thing of stuff like that so that they're able to handle situations themselves better, you know. But it is nuts, dude. Like, oh, one time I was like trying to cut my son's nail nails. Like, you know, you got to clip that. Like, and like, they don't— kids, they don't stay still. And dude, I clipped a little piece of the, the end of his finger, like, and he started just bleeding everywhere, dude. I almost— I didn't know what I was gonna do myself after that. I was like, so I was— and then one time he walked—

Van Gogh did to his brother. He did? Yeah, he clipped— or he's got— I think he might have cut his ear off or something. Never mind.

No, Van Gogh cut his own ear off, but I didn't know he clipped anything on his brother. So maybe everyone in the family is missing something in there. Yeah, dude, did you know Pablo Picasso died like a couple of years ago? Did you see that clip? Yeah, I did. Gary Vee, uh, Gary Vee was with me this week. It was, it was, oh, was it, was Vee there? Okay, I was talking with him. He's the one who told me. Yeah, we were talking in the car actually. He's like, dude, bring it up, let's bring that clip. I mean, it was, it was 50 years ago, but like, I thought Picasso was like from the '80s. And he told me, we're in the car, he's like, do you know this? And I was like, no. He's like, dude, he was, he was like alive when we were born.

Yeah, I think one of the part of it is, do you know that Picasso probably ate at Outback Steakhouse? You're like, right, right, right.

I never put that together. Yeah, yeah.

Oh yes, it's Joe List. Sorry, sorry, my bad.

You guys know this? Pablo Picasso, you know when he died? He died in 1973. Did you know that? I thought he died in 1380. I almost shit. 1973, Picasso had a car.

Is that unbelievable?

Pablo Picasso was driving around Spain in like a Honda Civic listening to Black Sabbath on the radio. That's crazy. Ozzy Osbourne and Pablo Picasso were working at at the same time. He saw 6 Super Bowls.

That's good. Yeah, dude, he's so great. He was in a great movie that Louis made too, man. Yes, that movie was great. They did a good job. Such talented guys. Um, that was a great bit.

I got, I got, I got something. So I, I want to try and find these people. Maybe this can— you're saying it here can help me. All right, I got this. I got a story for you. Yeah, I talked— so this, uh, last night we talked about this last night, just came out, and it was a story that I forgot about. And I'm like, I'll talk to Theo about it, maybe I could get— so, uh, in 1995 I was at the Salvation Army with my buddy Joe, and we found a VHS cassette, right? And it was like a home, a home one, not like a movie like you buy, like a, you know, a home, like a blank.

Okay.

I had a label on and, uh, it said, uh, uh, Amy and Stu Shankman's wedding. Oh, and it was— I'm gonna maybe get the exact date wrong, but let's say it said like November 25th, 1995. It said— I'm sorry, it said November 25th, uh, 1985. Okay, right. It said Stu and Amy Shankman's wedding, November 25th, 1985. That day that we picked it up was November 25th, 1995. So I found this blank cassette of this people's wedding on their 10-year anniversary. Now back then, you got— if you had your wedding taped on VHS, that's where it was. That's it. Like, that was the copy.

Yeah.

And this was handwritten. So it's like, I think they accidentally got rid of the— like, they don't have their wedding video, you know? Right.

So Amy and Stu Shankman do not have their wedding video, right?

And I— and we picked picked it up on the exact— we were like, holy shit, 50 cents. We bought it, we went home and watched their whole wedding, right? It's amazing. It's a wedding from 1985. It's a Jewish wedding from 1985. The best man, this little short guy, yarmulke guy, he does his— in his best man speech, he raps. Yeah, I swear to God. And I'll know— I mean, at this point I've watched it—

was it Beastie Boys?

Dozens of times. No, he raps his his own rap. Oh, and now this is the part— this is— I'll never— I know because I watched it. He's like, so he's jumping up and down and he's like, ha ha ha ha ha ha, we're gonna party tonight, we're gonna jump up and down, it's never gonna end. This was the rap. So it's an amazing wedding, I swear to God, it's an amazing wedding. And, uh, and I watch it over the years. I've had people over, we put it on, I watch it, this, this and that. About maybe 5 years after that, I met my friend Joe. We're in a gas station. He's getting gas in his car, and he's like, "Sal." And I'm like, "What?" He goes, "Look at that car right there." And there's a car that's like pulling out of the gas station. He's like, "Look, look, look in the car. Who do you think that is?" And I look and I go, "Is that fucking Stu Shankman?" No way. I don't know this guy from a hole in the wall.

Right.

He's like, "I think it's Stu Shankman." So I'm like, "Oh shit." And he pulled out, and my friend had to finish paying the gas, and we jumped in the car, peeled out, and tried to follow him. Yeah. And we lost him. Oh. Okay, so fast forward.

I hate losing people.

I hate— I— especially in a chase.

Yeah.

Uh, so then, uh, I never gave— I, I, I have this wedding video. I still have it.

Do you have a piece of their life? You have a piece of one of the greatest moments of their life.

It— yeah, right. So, so about 2 years ago, I'm like, we got to find these people.

Searching for Stu Shankman.

Is that— yes. And we got— we got to see if, like, what's— I got to get them this video. So So my friend found his brother or something on Facebook and confirmed, like, we were like, who knows if they're dead, if they're still together, what's going on? So he reached out. He said that he told him, we got at a thrift store, we found their wedding video in 1995. Like, I've had their wedding video for 31 years. I have it for 31 years. I've had their wedding video. They've been married. This will be their 41st anniversary this year. The brother's like, He's like, they're still alive and together. I swear to God. He's like, this is insane. You got to like, yes. So let's broker this. Yeah. So I had the idea a couple of years ago when I was developing a TV show. And so this was an idea for one episode of this TV show where I like do things like this. And so that's when we decided to reach out. Anyway, I didn't finish developing the show and I kind of forgot about him. And I thought of it last night and I brought it up and I was like, oh shit.

In this brother's eyes, we contacted him. We're like, yo, we have their wedding video. And we want to get it to you. And then we went radio silent again. He's like, why do these people do this to me and my family? So I'm like, I got to remember, I got to find them and I want to get them in the video. So I feel like if anyone knows, I think they were originally from Staten Island. And so Stu and Amy Shankman, and I have your wedding video for the last 31 years and I want to give it to you. I did digitize a copy of it for myself because when I thought I was going to give it back, I was like, I won't share it with anyone, but I you know, it's, it's also a piece of me now.

Let's find his fee.

Yeah, yeah, exactly, you know, so I have it.

So, so yeah, we gotta find— you gotta search him for the Shankmans, dude, because there's something special about that. I know I, I used to know a guy named Alex Shankman. Um, I knew a couple Shankmans.

Oh, I know a Shankman too, actually.

There was an agent I knew. I think it was—

I actually know a Shankman.

I knew it.

No, I don't think they're related, but I know— you just remind me, I think he's like a choreographer choreographer.

Yeah, there's some— there's a lot of things out there.

Is there a famous Shankman choreographer, especially in Hollywood? Adam Shankman. Adam Shankman.

I didn't know Adam.

I just realized for the first time I know a Shankman.

The Shankman.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what, Shankman? Yeah, dude, that's wild though.

I hope I find him.

Well, I hope that you find him also. Stu and Amy, the guy's been holding your love and, you know, the guy's been watching you one of the greatest moments of your life in his spare time on the L train or whatever. So that's right. Yeah, dude, do you think there's really something could be a cool show out there to make or create? People say this shit all the time, but, um, of like something about finding old things on VHS and then—

yeah, like found footage.

Yeah, dude, I worked with this one comedian. There had been like one of those Nigerian scams that had happened to his grandma mother, and they taken a lot of her money, right? You know those things that email you? Yeah, like I'm trapped in a, uh, petting zoo in Nigeria or something, they won't let me out, or whatever.

Sure, sure.

Send the money. So to get him back, he started doing these things where he would send them videos of things, and he said, if you do, I need you to do reenactments of this, and then I'll pay you for it. But instead, he would just have them do the reenactment, and then he would just post a video online, right? No. But the best part was what he would send him was he would send him scenes from Seinfeld, right? So he would send like scenes from Seinfeld to like some people in Africa, like in just a random village, and they would reenact the scenes.

No.

Yeah. And he had all these amazing—

you got to be kidding me.

He had all these amazing video clips, dude.

Oh my God, of an African village reenacting like Master of My Domain.

Yes. Or the parking one. Like they had all these different ones that he was reading.

And that.

It was pretty great, dude. And so eventually it healed, and he's like, okay, at a certain point we're kind of even, you know. But dude, because comedians can hold some grudges over the years. But yeah, I've always been a little bit of a collector. You find something, you save it. You're like, ah, maybe I'm supposed to—

you told me one time, I don't know if you remember this, you told me one time, I, I, in hindsight now I realized you were probably joking, but you were like, yeah, I have a marble notebook with the name of every person I've ever slept with in it.

Oh damn, really?

Yeah.

And I'm like, get out of here.

He's like, yeah, I, and you, I'm like, yeah, a marble notebook. Yeah. You said you had a notebook. I remember in my head I projected it was like a, a mead, you know, like a school notebook. But you're like, yeah, it's that. And I've written it down my whole life. And I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. And you're like, no, I know, I know the exact number of people I've slept with.

Really? Yeah. Yeah.

So you were fucking with me, I'm sure.

But I was always kind of a documenter of things.

The number. And I remember the number you said.

You do?

I do. Yeah. Because it's really funny.

Okay, it's really funny. This is the only part I can't believe that I would say something like this, but I want to hear it. You want to know what you told me? I said—

he said, I have every single name, I never miss the name. And I was like, you know the exact number you slept with? He said, yeah.

Like, how many?

He said, about 1,050.

Really? Yeah.

And then you're like, I'm not good at it, but it was 1,050. And I was hysterical laughing.

That's insane.

I was like, no I mean, it's like Wilt Chamberlain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's insane, dude. Yeah, I don't even know if it was me, but I, I believe that I could have said this.

You told me this.

Oh, I did? Good.

Yeah, good.

Oh shit, I'm glad that at least I was—

you don't have a— I mean, your real number is not anywhere close to that. That's crazy.

Oh dude, yeah, I mean, yeah, I've always like—

1,050 is— but it's the perfect feeling.

It's really the perfect number to say too, because it's like to go over a thousand. Great. Yeah, 2008. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. I remember when I was growing up, they had this kid, his brother had slept with like 12 women or something. People were fucking losing their minds in our town. Yeah, because we're cutting down trees and fucking tickling people they shouldn't touch and shit like that.

Shit like that will affect you. Oh dude, when you have like a— when you're, when you're of an age where no one's got that kind of number yet, or maybe everyone's a virgin. Oh yeah, and then one kid's like, I've slept with 12 people. You I gotta know all about it.

Here we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Warren Isle. Yeah, I'm just— yeah, there's nothing. Yeah, then my life means nothing. You know, I'm working at Baskin-Robbins or whatever, and some guy slept with 12 people.

12 people.

Hot shit be in Hades, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit was hectic, dude. Dude, I was the worst at sex. Let me see. Let's look it up. High activity lifestyle. For a person averaging 1 new partner per week, it would take approximately 20 years to reach 1,050 partners. So yeah, I lied. I lied, bro. Dude, there was some years where I wouldn't even get involved in any sex. I was so fucking bad at it.

You, you, you were bad at it. So you've come a long way.

I've come a long way, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I think.

Well, for one, are you a generous lover?

Yeah. No, no. Okay. I'm not, dude. I'm like that for me. This— I realized this the other day. I'm in like this— I'm in recovery meeting for everything. So I was in one the other day and people talk about this kind of stuff a lot and like intimacy disorders, shit like that. At, right? Like, I'm out here, I'm basically like a, uh, I'm like a crash test dummy. That's what I realized. Like, other people are like living a life and I am basically a crash test dummy out here.

Why do you feel that way?

Just because it's like, I feel like I'm never gonna figure out some of these parts and I'm just gonna be almost this like experiment that kind of happens, you know? And right, like, um, I realized, I thought of loving, it was like a, uh, it felt like an altercation. It's like an altercation you get in. It has the same energy of like a, like a session, like a fight.

Intimate session.

Yeah, intimate session has like a sexual session has like a little bit of a battle. Yeah, it's a fight. Not like physically like it's a fight, right? But just like the same amount of nervous energy that's in a fight.

Sure, sure.

That's the energy that I take into like a session, right? Right. So like if you, if you see me, if we're working up and I just keep kind of ducking or dodging, or if I duck off into the corner and have some guy I barely know rub Neosporin on my cheeks or whatever and put a thing of ice on the back of my neck or whatever.

You have a corner man?

Yeah, just, just know I'm doing the best that I can.

Just plugging your nose up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, some guys fucking putting a cotton swab up my nose. But dude, yeah, I just, I always, I had so much nervous energy around women, bro. Yeah, so that was crazy, dude.

I love when they do like in a UFC fight or like a boxing match whatever, when they cut to the corner, right? And it's like, you know, you— and you hear everything that the, the corner guys say and the trainer say. It's always like wildly inappropriate. Yeah, like, fuck this motherfucker, bro, you're gonna fuck him up, man, this cunt. And then you're like, he's like, you stick your movement. But then you're like home watching a fight with like— or you're somewhere and it's like, you just don't expect to hear like, this guy's a motherfucking bitch, bro.

Yeah, you know, his mother passed away 2 months ago, huh?

I was like, oh shit.

Yeah, like, yeah, learning shit. You're like, damn, you know, his cousin has asthma, hit this little pussy.

You know, like they said, he'll be like, don't be a fucking pussy.

But I'm like, whoa, I know, real in the corner, it gets real. But it truly just sounds like that's what makes anybody think they could be a corner. Also some of those behaviors. Yeah, yeah, I could say that, cuz it— yeah, it doesn't feel like there's a lot of real instruction coming over there.

So yeah, sometimes you hear someone give really good pointers and then you go to the other corner and they're just like, all right bro. You're like, what is this guy doing?

Yeah, they're saying nothing.

They're saying nothing to the guy.

I now. Yeah, that is pretty wild, dude. Um, but yes, oh, Animus, bro, some of that shit. I was like, you know those fainting goats? Shit gets going too much and they just go over. Yeah, that's me.

Yeah, you hit like a thing.

Oh yeah, I hit like about 30 volts or whatever. Yeah, I hit about—

yo, what is it? What sound does a goat make?

Let me try it.

They ain't got the sheep Sheep though? Does a goat and a sheep make the same noise?

I think goats are more curious, so I think it's more like— No, let me try it. Really? No, that's more like a—

But what does the sheep do then? So it's the same thing?

No, sheep— that goat's—

sheep's baa.

Oh yeah, sheep's baa.

But then a goat is baa. Am I crazy? I don't know this. I don't know the difference. Is it sheep? Sheep's not a goat.

A gay goat's just like, "Bagger." That stupid street joke.

What does a gay horse eat?

Hay. It's the best.

It's so stupid.

Dude, some jokes like that, though, are the best, bro. Getting to laugh is the best, man. That's the best thing, bro. Getting to laugh. The fact— one thing I will say, bro, about about certain moments of life. Like, I've just been grateful that God has put me around people that, that are just— make me laugh.

Yeah, we have our friends are the funniest people in the world. It's crazy.

It's crazy.

It really is. Yo, so I struggle on stage. I always sometimes I think about this, like, I, I really in the moment on stage when I'm on stage and I like to laugh. And so like I laugh, you know, throughout my set a lot. Then sometimes I'm like, like, I don't think of it, it's just me being me. But like then a lot of times I'm like, I don't want to laugh. Like, I don't want to be like, I'm laughing at my own stuff, but I really am in the moment having a good time. But I'm like, I don't want that to come across as a crutch. So sometimes I'll be like, all right, today, consciously, when you do, like, this hour, do not laugh. Do not laugh. And just see how it plays. Like, don't laugh. Just like kind of keep, you know, and, and see how it plays differently with the, with, you know, the— like, do you, do you, like, are you in the moment when you're on stage? You laugh at your own— will you laugh and like just have fun in the moment? Or you like kind of like keep it like this persona of like—

you—

because when you like tell your stories and stuff. You have a, like, you know, you have a certain energy and vibe the way you do it.

Yeah.

But you, do you ever like just get like, do you think about that on stage?

I do.

So you like consciously don't, won't laugh, or like, will you just like laugh?

I'd like to laugh more. I used to think like, especially when I was coming up in comedy, you hear about all these things that are kind of crutches.

Like, you don't want to—

yeah, some people write their notes, you're like, well, that's a crutch. And it's like, well, that's a crutch. Well, also, how about this? Somebody's getting up in front of you and trying to to make a room full of people laugh, right? I don't care if they're on crutches, 8 crutches. I don't care if they're— I don't care if there's one person in 2 wheelchairs, right? Let them— if there's things that help them, I think it— to me, I think it's okay.

Yeah, I don't want to be— I'm not doing it as a crisis. What I'm saying is like, I naturally laugh.

Yeah.

And so I have to fight my natural instinct.

Don't ever fight your laughter. Your laugh is one that warms people. It's like, it's extra you, you know?

Sure, sure.

So that I think is a gift. And I think some of these people, they've gotten to know some of us in our And they may be— they may feel happy that we're in a room laughing, you know, just like they are, you know.

Yeah, yeah, I'm having a good time.

Yeah, you're having a good time. I say laugh, dude. I notice if— and I'll even be conscious of it sometimes, like, oh, this set's not going that great in the beginning. And sometimes they'll be like, dude, it's because you're not having fun.

Yes.

So let myself have fun.

Yes.

And let me be the person that's saying the jokes. Really, sometimes I'll try to almost transpose myself and pretend like I'm just sitting there laughing at the jokes, right?

All right.

And then just almost like, I don't know, because the person I always wanted— I wanted to be the person sitting there laughing. But to me, I've always had like, you know, sometimes there's like a chip almost or some type of shit, right? Enough this, bang, that, that, you know?

Yeah.

And so I was always like, you know, or being judgmental, whatever. So, so we end up on the other end of the thing. I'm gonna be the guy who's being a part of making the laughter, right? But either way, I'm happy to be involved in the laughter. And I think it's okay if you laugh with a crutch, or some people say it's crutch which I don't. I find it, especially as I get older, fuck, if I get a chance to laugh.

Yeah, but I think that's, that's what I'm saying.

Sorry, that was a lot of shit to say.

No, I think just making the distinction of like, I'm on stage having a good time, like not with intent. Like some people will laugh.

1,050 is crazy.

It's crazy.

Yeah, that's a crazy thing to say.

I thought about it ever since you told me.

Did you really?

Yeah, I, I retained the knowledge, bro.

Would you know how scary it would be if one woman came over to my house every week to hook up? That would fucking make me so paranoid. It sounded crazy to me when you said it, bro. If I knew that every week some gal was coming over for sex, dude, I would fucking have to keep moving.

It's off-putting. Yes. You're like, oh my God, it's too much.

It's too much. The schedule's too insane.

It's too much, man. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot hanging over your head, man. Yeah, every week.

Oh, I get anxiety thinking about that and hearing them peel off in disappointment too, hearing the gravel.

They leave in a hurry.

Yeah, and you don't even have gravel. They're so pissed they went and bought gravel and put it under their tires.

I love that every time someone leaves your house, have the sex, they peel out of here.

Yeah, dude, bro, my fucking uncle, he was supposed to get gravel and he accidentally got a bunch of like fish, uh, whatever that stuff that goes to the bottom of the pellets. Yeah, fish cake, fish, fish food. Yeah, no, like the fish koi. Yeah, no, shit that goes in a, uh, fish—

oh, oh, oh, the fish gravel, fish tank gravel.

Yeah, he got fish tank gravel, dude, and his wife was so pissed, but it was irreturnable, bro. And dude, they fought about that shit. But hearing people fight over— yeah, and you're Fucking fish gravel. You and your fucking fish gravel, James. Yeah, just hearing shit like— hearing terms like that. You and your shitty little fish gravel.

Yeah, yeah, fighting over gravel. Yeah, just gravel.

Hearing any people fight over gravel, just— God, that's the kind of shit that keeps me going.

I have— I had a fish, uh, my niece, uh, you know when they have like the fair at school?

Yeah, like a festival, and they give you those fish that are about to die. They give them to children.

That's fucked. It's messed up. Yeah, you throw like a ping pong ball in a cup and then they'd send the kid home with a bag of fish and like these fish are just dying. And so my niece brought home a fish and I knew this shit was gonna die because like I— when I did it when I was a kid, I could never keep a fish alive because I didn't have a setup. I'd come home, put the fish in a bowl. Yeah. And then not really understand it needs a filter and it needs to be aerated. And then the fish would eventually die. I'd feed it like bread, you know, and then it would die. One time I brought a fish home and I was I was like, um, I don't know if I've ever told the story, but like, I brought a fish home from school and I, I was like, I knew that the previous fish had died and I thought it because they didn't have bubbles, which, which in my head I was like, it needs bubbles. I didn't think it needed like air, right? It needs bubbles. So I got home, my mom wasn't home yet, so I put a big salad bowl, I put the fish in it and I got a straw and I was gonna tell my mom, we have to go to the thing to buy the, you know, this fish store to buy the stuff so this fish survives.

But I needed to bridge the gap till she got home.

Home.

So I took a straw, and for like 3 hours I blew into the, into the bowl, but I was blowing carbon dioxide into the bowl, and I killed the fish immediately. So the fish died within hours because I was just hitting it with CO2 out of my mouth. So my niece brought this fish home years later. I'm like, I'm not gonna let this happen again. I went and got the setup, and I ended up having this fish for 7 years. And then, um, I moved, fish came with me, and then one One day the fish was dead, and out of nowhere though, it like died out of nowhere.

And no reasoning?

You know, I just cleaned the tank, it was very healthy fish, and I think there was foul play. I really do think so.

No way.

I think someone put like— because I tested the, uh, pH balance, I would do all that shit.

Yeah.

And then after I cleaned it, and then like I had people over, and then like it was dead. And then I think it was like someone like poured something in the tank. Then I didn't want to flush the fish because I had a 7-year relationship with the fish.

Oh yeah.

And so I didn't want to flush, so I was going to bury it. I might have told this, but I was going to bury it, but I didn't want to bury in the yard because it was summer and I didn't want to decompose and smell. So I wrapped it in tin foil, I put it in my freezer. That was like— it's— that's come closing in on— it's like 15 to 20 years ago, and I never got rid of the fish.

It's still with me.

I have a— I have a goldfish, a frozen goldfish in my freezer for over 15 years. That fish is still in my freezer right right now, and I moved 3 times and I took it with me.

What?

Yes, I had to put them in like on ice.

And like, moving is hard on everyone.

I have the fish. Oh my God, I have a dead fish for over 15 years in my freezer right now.

You know it's in your freezer?

No, exactly where it is in my freezer.

It's beautiful. It is, man.

I took it out on Hey Babe one time. I took it out for the first time. I never unwrapped it in all 15 years, and we opened it on Hey Babe, and it was, it was, uh It was, it was tough. It was a goldfish, but like I lost a lot of its gold. It was like a pale gold, and, uh, like the eyes were kind of gone.

Oh, I guess over time, I guess in the freezer, God takes the gold back or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what— there you are right there.

That's COVID, you could tell, right?

Yeah, very rabbinical right there as well, dude. Oh my God, bro, it definitely has like a Michael Jackson tint to it. He's Crazy.

Did you see it?

Yeah, I could see just a little bit of it there. Uh, yeah, show me that, dude. You know, um, oh my God, wow.

Yeah, a poor fish.

Oh, it's cool. What was its name?

I didn't name it, and I— because that was another thing, every fish I had prior I named died, so I called him Fish for 7 years.

I like that. Yeah, I at least like the fact you took on a new strategy to keep him alive.

Yeah, I was trying everything I could, and we had 7 nice years. He used to eat out of my hand. No. Yeah, I don't know if it was really because we had a bond. I think they would just do that anyway, but I like to think it was because we got close.

And how do you do it? You put your hand in there?

I put my hand right in. I like hold the flake and put it in. It would just come out.

You're lying.

No, no, I swear. It's really not that big a deal, I don't think.

I think it is. It's like a drive-through for— I feel like it's like going to the drive-through.

It felt like a trick. It felt like I had a— I had a like a— you know how they like a flea circus or something?

Yeah.

It felt like I had a fish that did tricks.

Well, dude, we had the Acro Cats lady. She came on here once.

What is that?

This lady, she's been traveling around the country for like 20 years or something, and she's, uh, she used to drive the tour bus that the cats were in. A tour bus?

No.

Yes, that the cats were in. And I'm paraphrasing a little bit here, but one of the toughest shows that she had, one of the tough experiences, she's on the road somewhere, somebody had left the window open, maybe from smoking or cigarette or something, and Tuna, the lead cat, gets out.

No way.

Yeah.

And she lost the cat?

Couldn't find it. No way. And the show must go on. She had like 3 hours before. So like there's another cat.

Tuna's understudy.

Yeah, tuna's understudy or whatever. I don't even know.

Salad.

Yeah, it was just like tilapia or something was the understudy.

Yo, that's crazy.

He's got to come in and he's always, you know, he's Italian, so he's got to come in doing his tilapia shit, you know, like his big break.

Yes, like tuna.

Yeah.

But they might have taken Tuna out. She thinks Tuna got away, but they might have, they might have been, they might have been foul play there. That's crazy too, because Tuna was a star. And once he leaves and he goes into the open road like that, everyone he passes has no idea who he is. And that's a star cat amongst you.

It's almost like a story from the Bible when they didn't know who Jesus was.

Yeah.

You know, that's pretty cool, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is amazing, bro. Yeah. I wonder what his cloud is like out in the wilderness though. And other animals like, oh shit, that's Tuna. That's That's Tuna. Damn, that's Tuna working out on the street. Like, dang, bro, Tuna out here, bro.

Tuna out here, bro.

Damn, he real like that. He in the trenches, cut. Like, damn, Tuna outside.

Tuna got out. But dude, Tuna's not about that life anymore.

Dude is not. Yeah, yeah, bro. Tuna changed.

What was the last pet you had? You have a pet now? No, you can't have a pet now.

No, I never—

on the road too much, right?

Yeah, I've never— I plan to get a dog.

Yeah.

And this has been a slow feeling for me, but I plan to get a dog and maybe I cat if I can get a wife. And not if— one day I'll get a wife and I'm gonna have a family. But I would like to get a dog and cat, and it doesn't all have to happen together or whatever.

Yeah.

But I think if, if I don't get married or something, maybe I'll get a dog and cat and maybe something else. I wouldn't mind getting a couple horses, probably.

Oh wow, you ride horses?

I wouldn't ride them, but I would go over by them.

Yeah, you'd go next to them, talk to them.

Yeah, it'd be like brush them, brush them, clean them.

Let me ask you a question. If I see a horse that's not in the wild, it's got on horseshoes? Every horse in captivity has on horseshoes?

That's a good question. Or is it just like parade horses and horses that are like going out on the town or whatever? I'm not sure. Look it up. That's a great question. This guy I know, Mr. Mike, is a farrier.

And what is a farrier?

A farrier is the guy that comes in and puts the shoes on the horses.

Oh really? Yeah, that's called a farrier.

Trims the toenails and everything. I got stuck on farrier talk for a while, and dude, half my feed was farriers.

No way. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that's what they were called. I thought they were like cobblers or something.

No, no, no. I think cobblers is for shoeing humans and farriers is for shoeing— I don't know if it's just for animals. No, not all horses need shoes. Whether a horse requires shoes depends on factors like workload, hoof health, genetics, and terrain.

I could see how hoof health would be a factor. I mean, you got a pair of weak hooves, you need protection.

Oh dude, if my feet are real tender, I want them bitches on.

Yeah, also you want that clip clap, you know? I don't think you— I don't know if you get a clippity-clop without the shoe, dude.

You telling me a kind of thick—

they're like tap dancing—

a thick horse from Atlanta ain't fucking pulling up with that clippity-clap? Yeah, type shit.

Yeah, yeah. What about those really— what are the Coca-Cola horses like at Christmas?

Clydesdales.

Clydesdales. Yeah, that's a— that, that's the— that's a clippity-clop right there.

That horse, you're like, dude, when that horse shows up, bro, people— some people salute it.

I would salute it.

You're like, that's interesting to have that between man and—

You have confidence in your salute?

Yeah.

I did a show for the Naval Academy recently, and they asked me to take a picture of the man salute. And you see salutes in movies and really in life, but I feel like there's a way they do it that it looks like you just do this, but I don't know if this is right. Some of them do that, or is there a proper way to salute? Are we saluting the right way right now, or is it like— I got nervous because I was like, I don't want to insult these people. On salute the wrong way. Like, do you tuck your finger in? Like, it was like, what are you— what are you doing with the salute?

That's a good question.

And they do it like, well, you know, when some of those guys like, whoosh, like it's like super like locked in. Like the Koreans do that really, like, you know, they do.

Yeah. Position of attention. So my hands are to my side, arms are straight down. When I raise my hand to salute, it's gonna be flat. Hands not like— thumbs not tucked underneath my hand, like kind of stuff. So we're raising it up, and then because I'm wearing headgear, my index finger is going to come to the edge of my headgear, arm is at a 45-degree angle, hand slightly canted down, not facing up, not facing down. No, just like this. I get my greeting and then I drop my salute. Now that is how it's like for wearing headgear. If I was wearing something like maybe no headgear or maybe the beret, but because I have glasses, then has to come up to the edge of my glasses. If I was wearing the beret or maybe no headgear and also don't wear glasses, then it come to the edge of my eyebrows. So it depends.

Headgear, braces, if you were, you know, if you're He's like, if you have a scrunchie in or whatever. The scrunchie one's the best because you put it in the bag, you're like, hey, you're like, hey, yeah, come. Yeah, I was, I was, uh, self-conscious. I've always been self-conscious about my salute. Um, you ever ride a horse bareback? That must— that's probably fun. That takes skill right there.

Somebody around— somebody got a horse somehow by us one time and we got on that bitch. Yeah, and we did pretty good. We didn't do good bareback though. Yeah, bareback. We tried to get a saddle or something. Somebody put like a thing, like nobody had a saddle. We shouldn't have this horse. They had a corner, like a, um, fair that was near us, and I think one had kind of gotten away from the fair. Somebody brought it down there. Yeah, being down there drinking with like the car— the carnies and stuff the night before. And so, um, they kept it by this dude Mr. Ernie's house, and we went over there and we were all getting on and shit. It was pretty friendly when I think in hindsight it could have been really dangerous.

I almost died on a horse.

You did?

Yeah, on a class trip in like 8th grade. They put me on a horse that started like full rodeoing.

Who put you on a horse?

The dude ranch that we went to for the trip. They put me on a horse, and this horse— I'm in 7th, 8th grade. I have no horse experience whatsoever. I get on the horse, the horse is bucking, jumping up and down, kicking and bucking. Yeah. And I'm looking around, like everyone's there. All the other students are on horses that are just sitting, right? Like just chilling. And then the cowboys are there, and they didn't even react quickly. Like, they were like— I was like looking at them and they were looking at me. I would basically like when the rodeo thing opens and the horse is like, oh yeah, that's what this fucking horse was doing.

A lot of horses don't— but they don't prefer Italians, I'll say that.

Yeah, this, you know, whatever, no judgment. A lot of, a lot of children don't— are allergic to Mexican stuff.

Yeah, but yeah, avocados.

Yeah, no, no, but, uh, I, I remember it wasn't like, you know, like the rodeo rodeo, but it was enough for like an 8th grader to be terrified. And I'm like looking at these guys like, is anyone gonna step in at all. And the guy was just like— and I remember being like, help! I finally just said help. And then the guy was like, all right, just calm down. I'm like, this is how you treat a 12-year-old? You can tell me to calm down? I'm just— I'm gonna be thrown from this horse. Like, and then they got, uh, they got me off that horse and they gave me the most senior citizen horse they had. Yeah, like the back was like slumped inward.

Yeah.

And then my— I got on that horse, the horse walked up to a tree and started eating the leaves and then wouldn't— didn't leave. And like everyone went on the trail and horse wouldn't leave the tree and just ate the— yeah, I just stood there on a horse like—

yours was like rosemary or something.

It was like, it was like, yeah, a glue stick.

Yours had a brooch on.

Yeah, but I would never get on a horse.

Dang, dude, that's wild, bro. Yeah, horses, I think they're probably the most— they're the best animal that we have until we come out with a new animal, like until they catch a dragon or make something. Um, yeah, and And we did have a neighbor, my friend William had a fish, and I remember when it died and they went and buried it at the Long John Silver's in like the flower bed outside of there. I remember.

Well, that's an interesting choice.

Remember that restaurant?

Yeah, of course. But it's a seafood restaurant.

Yeah. Yeah.

So I mean, like, it's a little bit— we like—

it was like the closest thing I think people thought, like—

yeah, well, it's nice that they had the flower bed.

Yeah, like bringing back with this community, like just outside of the parking medians, they had a little bit of like, uh, kind of semi-designed foliage right there.

Yeah, yeah, that's always nice, a little extra touch.

But I remember his dad took us over there and we put that— then we put it there and did like a prayer or something. I think we might have saluted too.

Yeah, salute that fish.

We don't even know, dude. Yeah, you had to salute that thing, you know. Shout out LJS, bro.

I feel like horses are like— they're on a lot of like romance novel covers. Like bareback— bareback horse riding is exotic.

I feel like it's also mythological. I think the things that will happen to your body. You want to talk about checking yourself for testicular cancer.

But it— like a, like a, like a nude woman on a horse bareback, that's very exotic, right?

Yeah, because I think you think of the stallion and like, I'm gonna be the stallion, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna sleep with 1,050 women. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

It's like, yeah, I would, uh, I would, I would take notice if a woman rode by like, uh, Patopolis on bareback on a horse, I would probably, uh, pay attention. I would probably, uh, I would probably follow the part because it's very interesting.

Yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't just like let that go by. I would be like, I'm gonna find out where this is going to end up.

I'd want to see what would happen. Dude, did you see— uh-huh, speaking of mythological things, did you see that Artemis space shuttle went to the moon? Do you think that really happened or not? Let's take a gander at it.

I it happened. It's— it—

I mean, because people are, people are very weary now. Well, first let me start. Do you think the first moon landing happened?

I do.

Because bring up the shuttle, bring up a picture of the shuttle. I'm sure you've looked at the shuttle and been like, yeah.

But I also like, when you look at these things, sometimes I'm like, ah, maybe I could be convinced otherwise, you know what I mean? Like, it's crazy that we haven't gone back. We went there now and just— didn't we just drive around it? We didn't get off, right?

Yeah, they just went for like a look-see or whatever.

Yeah, that's why I would never, ever, ever, no matter what you could do, say, you could— I would never go into space. Never.

Which one of the Jokers do you think would go into space if they had to go?

Probably Murph. I don't think he has, uh, I don't think he really, uh—

Yeah, just say it.

He's crazy like that.

He's got it.

Yeah, he's— he'll— he'd go up there. I wouldn't, but I think that, uh, he's always looking for something new. Yeah. Imagine what they must have felt like. I just saw that movie, that new, uh, Ryan Gosling movie. Like, it's like, uh, is it He goes into space.

Well, all they do is take beautiful men and put them out in space, dude. Yeah, a lot of these movies, it's Matt Damon, it's Ryan Gosling, it's, um, Steven Tyler. They just take these good-looking guys and they—

or what's his name, Will— Will— right, all right.

Oh yeah, McConaughey went to space.

Interstellar, right?

That's when you know Hollywood's like, this guy's good-looking enough, we'll take him and show him off to the other planets, you know?

Yeah, I can't even imagine how to pick up a new market, you know? Go out. I mean, I would be—

look at that—

terrified, bro.

Yeah, I'd be terrified too, dude, if I went to space in a, uh, lifeguard tower, uh, from Santa Monica Beach.

That's it? Yeah, that looks—

yeah, look at it. Can you zoom on it?

It looks like a toy, like a Transformer or something, bro. Yeah, that doesn't— that doesn't look like it.

I don't have confidence. Come on, dude, that's not even a fucking food truck.

That looks flimsy, bro. Those little like legs and stuff. Like, how do you get up there and be like, man, I would feel like the existential threat of the, of the universe on my shoulders.

Like, dude, they put— they didn't even put horseshoes on it, dude. That thing is— look at the legs of it.

Can you imagine being up there alone? And no, see, this is the thing too, like, they went up there, they did a couple of loop-de-loops, but then that doesn't necessarily mean like coming back is hard. Yeah, it's risky coming back. So like, you're you're signing up. I'm sorry, like, none of those people can say for certainty that they— like, I wonder what the, what the odds were that they could be— it could go south. Yeah, like, I bet you it wasn't like 99%. Like, I bet you it was like, all right, it's like 70/30. Like, you might explode on the way home, right? That's, that's crazy, dude. Do you imagine me coming home and see Earth and you're like, all right, like, and then, and then it, then it goes— so when I was in, uh, when I was a kid, we watched the Challenger live. No, at school, you know, we all watched it and we watched it live and it fucking blew up. And it was like, the teachers, everyone just started crying. I was like, we were like, what? We trying to wrap our head around. I was like third grade or something, trying to wrap my head around the fact that like there was a school teacher in there and then it just blew up.

Remember this on live television?

Yeah.

That's wild.

There was a pet. Wasn't there also a puppy in there?

Was there?

I thought that they sent a puppy in there.

Wow.

I can't believe that we even did this right now. To me, it just feels like, it's like, it's funny. We can't send help into Gaza, but we can send the Artemis II to go circle around the moon. Like, that to me is like—

what did we— what, what was the purpose of the mission? Do you know?

It's a great question. Let's look it up.

It wasn't just like—

and I'm sorry, there was no live animal on the space shuttle Challenger during the final flight in 1986.

God bless those people and their families. Yeah, holy shit.

I know, man. Can you imagine? Let's have a moment of that. Let's— can you imagine that? Like, we're sitting like— because you could, you could probably get in. Like, let me be be honest with you, if they pick some people to go to space right now, right?

Yeah.

And Mur gets sick or whatever, something happened to him, he gets in a loss.

I wouldn't even go like out of this little— just right above the atmosphere, I wouldn't even do that. I wouldn't do that. Katy Perry went to space.

Yeah, did she? I don't know.

I, I read yesterday she went to space.

People said that they went to space, but that shit was so— it was very like— yeah, that was very sketchy. Like waving at people, there was like friends coming up to the edge. It was like, this isn't in space.

Like, that go? Would you go?

I don't know. We're fucking this planet up so much, we don't need to be exporting whatever we're doing.

I don't need to— I don't believe I— like, we belong on a rocket. Yes, right now, you know what I'm saying? Like, I, I still— I still getting more— I'm still getting used to flying.

Yeah, in planes. Well, do you know what I do think though? Oh, this is a good question. Let's, let's answer this for people. The Artemis missions are NASA's current program to return humans to the moon and use it as a stepping stone for future trips to Mars.

We're not going to inhabit another planet. We're not going to. You can't. But so why are we going up there? I guess, you know, I guess we're—

but that's— I don't like that shit when somebody's like, hey, I want to come visit you, but really they're just staying overnight so they can go visit somebody else further away. I don't like somebody.

I've ever thought about that.

Well, that's what we're doing. It says carry out the Moon to Mars strategy, land astronauts on the Moon. We're basically using the Moon for a place to relax for a little while, establish a sustainable long-term human presence on the moon rather than just short-term flags and footprints visit like the Apollo. Dog, some of this shit— Flags and Footprints also was the name of the, um, all-male dance team at, uh, at Covington High School when I was there.

Yeah, that's, that's pretty good.

They were state champs.

Yeah, but who's gonna go? How do you— Okay, let's say, let's say, but we get to the point, right?

We get to the point. I interrupt you.

No, no, no, I'm gonna say let's say we get to the point where people like, are ready to move up there. It's like, okay, how many— who's going up there first with what? Like, what are you going up there with? Some 2x4s? Like, you got to build a brick and mortar. Like, you got to build a house. You got to have some type of currency. You got to have like a bank, a restaurant. Like, who's going up there building that stuff? Like, you need enough, and then you need enough people. Like, I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand. How many people do you need to inhabit the moon at the exact same time to make it a thing where people live there and go about their daily lives there? Like, what's it going to be like? Or is it just going to be like prehistoric at first? You like signing up to go up there and live in a tent and like just live off the land and have no entertainment?

Like, you mean like, um, like, like that thing they do in the desert every year?

What is it, like Burning Man?

Like Burning Man?

Yeah, it's like, what, how, how do you properly inhabit, like, you know, brother, this is for the elite.

Elites. So yeah, yeah, this is for the elites, you know. They're not bringing a couple giggle monkeys like us up there. This is for the elites. I think this is like— they're planning to do like— like they can't do an Epstein's Island anymore. I think they're looking for like Epstein's Orb, you know.

Right.

We're gonna find a place where we can really be nasty out here.

Yeah, it's like maritime law out there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, you're in the international water, right? International air.

Yeah.

So I think that, like, I don't know, there is a big part of me, dude, that— and I really— there's a big part of me that questions this. Doesn't believe it, but he questions it.

Like, you don't think we went?

I don't know if we went. I do believe one, they're trying to distract us from a lot of the horrible things that are going on in the world right now that we're a part of.

Um, sure.

So I do think that there's some of that because there's a lot of these weird things. Like, one lady's mother gets kidnapped, they can't find her, you know? But they can tell you where your DoorDash order is missing and where it's been or whatever, but you can't find one lady's— wild that Yeah, but she disappears from a porch, you got nothing.

Right, right. But we're gonna move to the moon, right?

Yeah, but we're gonna move to the moon. So yeah, I think there's like some of it's that it's like, oh, we need a trip to the moon, that'll get people excited, you know what I'm saying? Like something to distract us.

The pictures look crazy though. You saw the pictures?

Yep, I have seen them. Bring some of them up.

That's why it's wild.

It's like, but I think, yeah, it could be that maybe something is— do you ever start to worry that something is going to happen to Earth and that that's why there's like— I mean, because it's kind of— it seems like a weird time to send some people out to look at the moon. Do you Do you agree?

I think anytime— I don't know if there's ever a right time. I mean, I guess I agree with you. I'm always thinking something's gonna happen.

I think maybe right after Christmas or something.

You said a couple guys, they always have those things. They always have those things where it's like, uh, those, um, predictions from like Aristotle. Like, it's like, you know, or no, like they predicted in the future. Nostradamus. Yeah. Uh, and it's like, have they come true?

That's a good question, dude. Oh, these are some of the photos. I mean, bro, it's pretty wild that we're out here like that. And dude, you're telling me this shit— hold on, you're telling me the best we can do is some guy takes this with his thumb in front of the thing? That's the kind of shit that makes me feel like— I know it makes you feel—

I would have deleted that one. I would have deleted that one, you know?

Like, yeah, dude.

Yeah, man, I can't imagine seeing that with my own eyes though. That's wild.

And then the moon, bro, that bitch is vibey though. She's mixed. Yeah, she's mixed for sure, dude. Oh, look at that. I don't know, dude. I don't— I mean, I think I'm— I think I want to live there.

It's just—

I don't know, it looks like—

I don't know, maybe do zero Gravity? Like, you ever do that floating around, like, the space?

No, I've never done it. Have you?

No, my buddy did it. He said it's one of the craziest things he's ever felt in his life. Imagine just flying, just flying in this room right now. Like, if you just stood up and pushed— if you pushed yourself off the chair and just started floating over there, just went like that. Gotta be wild.

As long as I make that sound while I float. If I don't make that sound, bro, I don't believe it.

I want to do that. I would really want to do that, like, to at least feel that sensation.

I wonder if— dude, I can't even imagine, like, some of the fan— like, imagine, like, you're the children. This is kind of sad, but I don't mean it like a real sad way, I guess. I just mean it in some curiosity of emotion. Like, your parent or your brother or something is, like, going up to the moon at that time. Because the Challenger, like, was it headed to the moon? It's a great question, huh? Where is it headed?

I feel like yes, because where else would it be going, bro?

They were blasting people out into whatever it would be like, you know. They were just, they were just trying to get like shoot extra scenes for Air Bud up there. The space shuttle was designed at a low Earth orbit space truck and did not have the engine power fuel capacity to reach the moon. Okay, no, the Challenger was not headed to the moon. Um, The shuttle mission that tragically ended in a disaster was scheduled for a 6-day mission in orbit around Earth to deploy a communications satellite and study Halley's Comet.

Okay, wow.

Imagine how excited you must have been. I wonder if they were scared before. Is there any interviews of those people right before they left? Oh geez, yeah, just to also kind of honor them a little bit. What date did that happen as well, Trevin? Do you know? It's like '80—

I feel like it was was like mid-'86.

Yeah. Wow, '86. So we're coming up on a 40-year anniversary of it.

First ordinary citizen. I mean, are you expected to be the ordinary speaker who's out there? That was a year after Amy and Stu Shankman got married. That was what, 2 months after Amy and Stu Shankman got married?

Um, okay, this is Chris— Krista McCallum.

The teaching profession and students and, um, the whole country is really going to benefit from this. We hopefully are going to know an awful lot more about what life is like aboard the shuttle.

Cold coffee. Sounds like she's from, uh, Rhode Island a little bit. Where was she from?

New Hampshire. Yeah, you were right.

Pretty close.

Isn't that close? That's really close. Yeah, still close.

Close enough.

Yeah, Rhode Island, it's right there.

She reminded me of the lady, it was like cold coffee, iced coffee. You seen that lady? I think we talked about this before. You haven't? No. Bring up the lady at the Dunkin' Donuts that burned down. Sorry, I mean, this is the problem with the internet, dude. We're trying to pay homage or homage to, uh, Kristin McAuliffe, and then, uh, bring up that— yeah, Dunkin' Monets. You seen this? You haven't? With my boy Dutch, dude, you never seen this? No, this is, uh, chill on this. I got to tell the lore of it. Jim Norton put us on this, and this is carried on now for like almost 10 years. When, uh, a Dunkin' Donuts burned down in Shamokin— coffee shop in Shamokin is closed following an arson over the weekend. Police say a teenager is responsible for all that damage. He's watched 16's Nicky Nikki Price joins us live from the Central Pennsylvania Newsroom with more tonight. Nikki. Julie, a lot of people in Shamokin are upset that Dunkin' Donuts is closed because they didn't have anywhere else to go for coffee and donuts.

Today we also learned new information about the teenage girl police charged with setting the place on fire. Yellow tape surrounds the Dunkin' Donuts on West Sunbury Street in Shamokin. The popular donut shop is closed closed until further notice because of extensive fire damage.

There's a lot of people that's definitely gonna miss it, no doubt about it.

A teenager is charged with starting a fire inside the restaurant on Saturday night. Chemokan Police Officer Ray Syco says no one was hurt.

The place has extensive damage.

Syco says the fire was started inside the women's bathroom.

The toilet paper dispenser was lit on fire, and within a About a minute, the entire place was filled up with smoke.

It feels fake.

Mother did explain that she's recently been put on new medication.

Great psycho.

For what reason? We're like a psycho.

A 13-year-old who admitted to setting the fire is currently at a juvenile detention. They showing blurred pictures of him? Many people who live in Chemobin are upset that Dunkin' Donuts is closed.

Now I have to rely on myself to go to maybe a Turkey Hill or something where I don't like their donuts. I rather the donuts at Dunkin' Donuts, and I'm kind of dealing with it, but I really miss Dunkin' Donuts, bro. This guy's the best though, boy. This my boy Dutch Smith right here, bro.

Chicken Baker Croissant, where I get some coffee, Powerade if I'm dehydrated. I sit there all the time. If I have any like legal work that I need to do, I go there. I meet with my attorneys there. Legal work? Did he say legal work? I sit there all the time. If I have any like legal work that I need to do, I go there. I meet with my attorneys there.

And then this is a lady, and Jim Norton dressed up like this lady for Halloween.

Oh no, did he?

Yeah, one year, which was the best thing I've ever seen. I hope he does it again, allegedly. And, uh, but let's, let's start at the beginning of her again. I'm going to miss that place when it— if it don't open up. Yeah, a lot of my friends go in there, get the cold coffee, the iced coffee I guess it's called.

People miss their—

yeah, they There you go. Oh my gosh, dude. But when she said coffee, it reminded me a little bit of, uh, of, of— yeah. Oh, and go look at the comments on there. Is there any great comments on their Google reviews? There's got to be.

Oh, so funny. Went for a donut place, burned down.

No, I said that.

No, no, I'm saying, uh, 2 stars.

Here we go. Not open due to being set on fire, but other— but otherwise a classy place to hydrate, or so I'm told. That's That's Nicholas' sorority right there. Now I have to rely on myself to go to maybe a Turkey Hill where I don't like their donuts, or I'd rather the donuts at Dunkin' Donuts, and I'm kind of dealing with it, but I really miss Dunkin' Donuts. Shout out Felix Huerta. Oh, it's the best, dude.

Dude, you said Air Bud before, it made me think like there was so many dog movies when I was growing up, so many dog celebrities. Properties, right? There was like Rin Tin Tin, right? You had the Chihuahua, the, you know, are there any more?

Talk about Chihuahua.

Yeah, what happened?

Remember him? They're talking about—

we say it again—

they talk about you all.

You don't remember him? I remember him, I brought him up.

Turner and Hooch, dude.

What happened to Dog Hollywood? What happened to Dog Hollywood? Lassie, Benji, Cujo, Clifford, Bud Spuds McKenzie— it was all these dog dogs like big, big dog personalities.

Heathcliff Snoopy.

Snoopy!

Uh-uh, uh, yeah, there's other ones. Yeah, there's more, there's more. All Dogs Go to Heaven.

There was Turner Hooch.

Turner Hooch.

Um, but I'm saying like they were like big bankable dog stars, right? They don't— you don't see that much anymore.

That's a great point. Yeah, wonder what happened. Why are there no more animal stars in Hollywood? Animal stars are disappearing from Hollywood primarily due to the rise of sophisticated CGI and AI.

Ah, I don't know if I feel like that's true though. Yeah, I mean, yeah, because it's not the same. You don't need to, you know what I mean?

Right. People know the love of a dog. They want that. Yeah, you can't replace it, right?

Yeah, I think, I think we're primed and ready for our next big dog star.

Oh, imagine the tour he would go on.

Is Air Bud still doing that? Is Air Bud still doing it?

I don't know. I know I read the other day that they're gonna get, uh, that some dogs can now live longer based on some new medicines that they're giving them. They can live a lot longer.

Really?

And some people are happy about it, and some people apparently were not. They were only expecting their dog to live for so long.

Well, that's— I want a dog, but I, I can't get one right now. I gotta wait till like I stop touring so much and the kids are a little— but like, I want a dog, but one of the reasons I, I'm hesitant is because like you're really signing yourself up for a heartache in like 10 to 12 years or something, you know. Like, my dogs all died 8 years, 10 years, 12 years, 14 years, you know.

Oh yeah, bro.

I mean, if they— if that's a real thing, like, is that a real— if they're giving them medicine or whatever to help them live longer, yeah, I'll buy into that.

Yeah. Will you look that up for me? Um, Hamsters and Grandparents. So it's like how children learn about, about death a lot of times, you know, in a sad way.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like you need that elements to teach your kid, to give your kid a, you know, a gateway to death or whatever, like a way to see it. But they had Sounder, that was a huge movie, remember that? They had Old Yeller.

Old Yeller, that's another one.

That was a huge movie. Yes, that was a huge movie.

Yeah, that was massive. That was back in the like Little Prairie House on the Prairie times.

A San Francisco biotech company, Loyal, is developing drugs aimed at extending dogs' healthy lifespans by lowering high levels of the hormone IGF-1, which accelerates aging in larger dogs. The leading candidates including the daily pill— uh, their leading candidates including the daily pill, LOYOO2. The drugs work by reducing levels of insulin-like growth factor 1, a hormone that drives rapid growth in young dogs but contributes to faster aging and shorter lifespan in larger mature dogs.

I thought you— I thought you were BSing me.

Oh no, I just saw some, yeah, information about this the other day that was really interesting. Interesting. Um, what else was in the news that was something that was kind of worth discussing? I don't know if we want to go down too many heavy roads. Oh, has there been something your children have wanted to ask for, uh, that you had to say no? Like, or is there like, like a tough parenting thing that you kind of like— yeah, like, just tell me what some of that's like. Give me something from like the parenting world because I'm just curious about it.

Yeah, yeah, my daughter went through a sleep regression recently, so like Sleep what? Regression.

Okay.

So like, she sleep through the night fine, but then, you know, they start developing, their brain starts developing, they start having, uh, dreams, and, you know, and they get a little more like, they start to understand stuff more. So like, we'd watch like Home Alone all the time, right? She loves Home Alone, and she just saw it at face value. She loved it. She knew what was going on. Like, she was 2, but she like got everything. She got a little older, and then she start— then out of nowhere, even though she watched Home Alone like 50 times, she she like started to get scared from it, uh, from Marvin Harry. Yeah, right. So one day, like, she kept— she kept saying, like, in the car, she'd be like, Dad, are Marvin Harry following us? Like, out of nowhere one day. And I'm like, no, they're not, they're not. Are Marvin Harry after us? Oh, they're not after us at all, they're after Kevin's toys. It's like trying to make it, you know.

Oh yeah.

All right, but are they gonna come for me? I'm like, no, Marvin Harry are fun, they're just after Kevin's toys. Kevin's gonna put them the ringer. It's all good. And then like in the middle of the night she'd be like, Dad, Dad, I'm scared, come upstairs. And I would come and she'd be like, are Marvin and Harry coming? And I'm like, my wife's like, you shouldn't have made her watch Home Alone. I'm like, she loved it. It wasn't until recently that she started getting scared, you know what I mean? But she'll call and be like, so you can't go up there, you have to go up there. Like this is what got really hard, like going up there, like they're always testing the limits of what they can control and not control and pushing boundaries. So that's the whole few years, it's like they're pushing boundaries. So they try to see what they can get over on you. Like, so if you— if they want you to come upstairs and they cry and that brings you upstairs, they know that that's going to get you upstairs every time. You have to break that habit. You have to, like— so, so there's times where it's like she's like crying and like, Dad, please come upstairs.

And I'm like downstairs and like, you can't, you can't go up, you know? And it's the worst feeling because you want to run as soon as she's like—

but you know it's a trap.

It's it's a trap. But like, but also she's cunning. Like, she'll, she'll say shit that she knows is gonna tug at my heartstrings. I'd have to ignore her crying, and she'll start saying stuff like, Dad, please, Dad, I, I need you, I miss you. Like, you know, right?

The ship is leaving the shore. Just things that she's seen.

And you're like, I'm like literally like, uh, downstairs. Like, she doesn't see me, but I'm like right under the and me and my wife are sitting there and I'm just like, I got tears in my eyes. I'm just like, I need to go, you know? You can't. It's tough. It's tough.

So parenting, yeah. So yeah, you gotta really like, I guess you have to be the dad. You have to sometimes, you have to be the leader, huh? And sometimes you want to just be the, the, the, the buddy.

I want them to be able to like, they want to sleep. She'll be like, please can I come sleep with you guys? I wanna, I wanted her to do that so bad, but like we can't do it because like it opens up, you know, like then I And it's like, you know, oh yeah, but some— I know families that sleep, that all the kids sleep in the bed and that's that. But like, you know, it could be tough. Like if you have— we have work and travel a lot and stuff like that.

Yeah. So if you're not a Little House on the Prairie, then that's kind of like back then. Yeah. You need it for warmth and stuff and it's like that.

Yeah. But I want to do it, but I, I've— so far we haven't done it because I just feel like I don't want to start bad habits, you know.

But, and is it tough with like you, with your wife, you have to debate on what are good habits and bad? Like, is that—

is it—

or do you guys communicate? Yeah, we're on the same page.

It's pretty, it's pretty straight straightforward, you know, like, but, uh, yeah, it's a— you're gonna— you, you want kids?

Yeah.

Yeah, we talked about this online. You should have kids.

Yeah, you want them?

If you do, like, if you want kids, have kids, you know.

Like, I think I do. I mean, I think the most you can get to is like, I think I want them. I really— I like— nobody's like— if you're like yelling in the park or whatever, I want kids, you're gonna go to jail, you know, or are you gonna get elected? But if you're just like, yeah, but so I think the safest thing I say is, yeah, I think I would really like to have kids. I'll have to have a spouse that is like, we can go down that road together. Um, and then, you know, some of it I think it's like, if that's going to be part of God, if God wants that for me in my life, you know, and if I'm willing to set my life up enough where it's a possibility, because God, I don't think he would, he would bless me with children if it wasn't like a safest environment either, you know.

Sure. I I think you should do it. I always tell you that.

But yeah, I would like to have— I think more and more I would like to have that. Yeah, you know, I would like to have the chance to love something that's different and to have like a new different type of like connection in the world, you know, just to experience what connections there are. Because it's— I'm sure it's like totally different. I mean, last time you were here you were saying just how different it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to do it. You got to do it, especially if you want them, because it's not— it's— there's nothing better. You'll be— you'll feel so fulfilled, man. Yeah, yeah, you'll feel so fulfilled.

And I want probably 6 or 5 kids, bro.

I know, I— that's— it's like when you start having— you see— or yeah, you'll see, like, you won't— you want as many as possible.

It's that—

that's why people just keep having them, dude. In the old days, man, people had them with reckless abandon, bro.

People would have a kid, they'd be like, oh, where's my kid? They'd be at the store, they would leave a kid, they'd have to come back, hey, we left a kid on your shelf, or whatever. Yeah, some kids in the freezer.

He's just like, yeah, people used to have kids back in the day so so many kids that like some of them would just like perish, perish, and then they were just like, ah, we lost a couple of them.

Yeah, you know, Albert stayed in—

still have 10 of them, but we lost a couple.

Yeah, Albert stayed in Mankato. We didn't— we hadn't seen, you know. Yeah, he stayed—

he wandered off and we hope he's all right.

I know he wandered off in Rochester. Yeah, look, he had a bag of food with him, you know. You're like, that's crazy.

I don't know how you focus on— you had how many siblings you got?

I just had 1, 2, 3, 4, 3 total.

Okay, which How many siblings did you have? Besides me, 3.

Yeah, yeah, that's a fun amount.

Yeah, you saw your family, you had 4 of you guys still together.

Yeah, yeah, uh, if you could go back and be a kid, what's one moment you would go back to when you're a child? Like, uh, like, uh, was it like a birthday party or a time, or like, it could just be a general, it doesn't have to be specific either. Yeah, like, what was like the funnest holiday you guys had or something? Was there one that was just going to my grandma?

My grandma will host Christmas. And like all the cousins would come over and, uh, that was fun because she had like this really old house that was a two-family with a big basement and a big old attic.

Yeah.

And we all used to go up in the attic and cause like hijinks and hide and shit. And, uh, like, I just heard like that— those, those days were the best days where you could just like run around the house playing hide and seek and like feel like it was the best thing that ever happened to you. Yeah, yeah, just— yeah, not all this bullshit. Like, you didn't know anything anything yet. It's just about playing, hanging out, you know?

I know. Yeah, it seems like it should be able to be such a simpler world, doesn't it? That's the thing that I think gets me a lot.

It's like, go hang out in the woods. Yeah, like, yeah, like when I was young, there was like— it was so much, much less like, like underdeveloped. Oh, and there was just like woods everywhere.

Oh, it was Native American shit. You'd have a guy to chisel put a fucking couple tits into a, you know, into a birch tree or whatever. You'd have somebody, you know, there was like a grave somewhere, somebody just hold a couple of tits and just buried somebody. Like, the woods used to be crazy, bro, because you'd see some guy been living there.

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

There'd be some pornography or pornography. Yeah, always somebody buried pornography, but they, you know, they draw like an arrow. It's like, hey, pornography. So they didn't forget where it was.

It was like, dude, that's where I saw my first quarterback was in the woods.

Oh, everybody, which is crazy, bro. But you're right there with nature, dude. Oh dude, I remember the first time I masturbated, bro. I didn't even know what was gonna happen with like your body, right? And I remember like something kind of like kind of came outside of my body, and I remember trying to put it back into my penis with my finger.

Yeah.

And I heard my mom like downstairs, and I was like trying to get it all back in before she— yeah. Oh, so yeah, I was like, yeah, so obviously Honestly, yeah, I had a lot of intimacy issues over the years, bro. Oh, let's get this question, let's get this answer in, dude. Early 1800s, um, let me see. Over the past 3 centuries, the average number of children per woman in most of the world has declined sharply, roughly from 5 to 7 kids per woman in the early 1800s to 2.25 kids per woman today in many countries.

I think it's even less than that now. Yeah, I think I've read something where they say like, uh, people are having the least amount kids that in history right now.

Maybe there'll be a rebirth of it, you know? Maybe there'll be something new that happens. I do— do you feel like— I feel like, you know, I didn't want to get into like import, like heavy stuff today, but there's just like— it feels like it's a tough time in the world for a lot of people.

Dude, you imagine like Octomom? You like— you have 8 babies in your stomach. You get— you give birth to 8 babies at the same exact time.

That's dark shit. Look at— and look at that thing she had on her, bro. It's like whenever you ever see that spider that's got the big thing on it, like it's pregnant. Yeah, that's wild.

Child, bro. Like, imagine you have no kids and then you have 8 kids. Yeah, she already had like 5 kids. Oh my God, are you serious?

Yeah, just watch a documentary on it.

How do you, how do you give the time you need to each of these kids? Yo, what do you do when you, you want people like, like they're like, guess what, twins, and they're like, oh my God, 2, how are we gonna do this? Like, 8, bro, 8. How do you How do you even— what's the first thing you do when there's 8 2-day-old babies?

What's the first thing?

They're like Tamagotchis. Like, you literally just have to like check the batteries on all of them. Holy shit, dude.

Get you some iced coffee. Cool coffee. Iced coffee.

You have a Tamagotchi?

No, I never had one.

Do you remember that?

Oh, I do remember them. And it didn't hit us super hard. Our family.

I was a little older.

We weren't into a lot of the Asian kind of stuff that much. Much. We was like doing Hulk Hogan type of shit, dude. I remember I had to do a roast of this, of the Nadia Suleiman, who was the Octomom. Who had—

did you have to?

Who had 8 children, who was kind of a celebrity for a while. Was— or not a celebrity, I mean, everybody's kind of a celebrity these days, but she was like kind of in the limelight or whatever, you know? Yeah, for that.

Yeah, you roasted her?

We had a roast. And dude, I remember I got there and I thought it'd be fun and everything, and you get there and you're like, oh, this feels— there's part of it that feels really mean.

Oh Really? Do you remember any of the jokes?

I mean, they were easy. I mean, yeah, some of them were probably good and some were probably not good.

What, what, what scenario was she being— why was she being roasted?

It was just a— it was, uh, the Haha Comedy Cafe over there in, uh, over there. Yeah, in Burbank. Yeah, it's kind of off— it's off Langstrom, I think. But, um, yeah, Jack Jr., his family over there, it's their club. It's a great spot.

And yeah, I've done some spots.

Yeah. And so, uh Um, but they had the roast of her there, and it was just other people were on the, uh, the dais or the docket or whatever. And it's just like, it was interesting, it was fun.

Yeah.

But it was also like, there was a moment you're like, oh, this is me, because they're sitting right there. And you think like, the kids were there, bro.

It's like 8 kids just staring at you rip on them.

That'd be crazy, bro.

She was— oh, she was there.

She it was there, but it was just kind of a lot, bro. And I couldn't tell if she was trying to flirt or whatever, and I was like, I'm getting out of here, you know?

Yeah, you can't— you can't even— you need to wear two condoms.

Oh, I wouldn't even sneeze.

God forbid.

You got— yeah, you can't even sneeze. I wouldn't even let an eyelash fall out around there.

The next thing you know, you have 8 children.

Oh, and blessings to her children. Let's get a gander at them. I want to see them. And who knows, now she may— you know, I, I can't imagine what that's like. No No way. Updated.

Oh, is that them now? Do they all look like—

wow, they look healthy and good.

Yeah, they look like they all— like, they look like they weren't one of 8. Yeah, they look like they were their own.

Imagine how that's got to be to break out of like, you know, well, I mean, how much could they have weighed when they were born?

Yeah, you got 8 kids in there.

You got 8 kids. I probably— I would guess how much they weighed. Let's guess and we'll wager. Whoever wins.

What's the prize?

Uh, I don't know, do something for like, uh, moon research or whatever. $30 towards moon research.

Moon research.

Okay, I think it's just— it's probably going to end up just somehow going to Israel, but we'll just— we'll call it moon research.

I think, um, you got to size 8. If there were— there's no way she could be—

this is a good game show question, isn't it?

Yeah, it is, right? There's no way she'd be walking around with— the average kid when they're born is like 6, 7 pounds, right? So there's no way she's walking around with 50 pounds of kids in there, right?

Yeah, that's— that's a lot. Now look at the— you can get a gander at it right there when she got that front really launched. And that thing, yeah, that is crazy.

Oh, so I'm gonna say— damn, I'm gonna say they were about— I think I'd be 3 and a half pounds each, something like that.

You're going 3 and a half? I'm gonna go— I'm gonna go, yeah, 3.1 5.

That's still crazy. That's still 20-something pounds a kid.

Oh, you're right, you're right. Yeah, that's crazy.

But they can't be much less than 3 pounds.

I'm going 2.2.

All right, 2.2, which means for 8 kids, she was still hauling around 17 pounds.

Yeah, 17 pounds.

That's, uh, 2.2 is a small kid. Well, does it— can we find out?

3.4.

Oh, no way.

On the Suleiman Octopus before 4 octuplets. Octuplets. Born on January 26, 2009. Weighed between 1 pound 8 ounces and 3 pounds 4 ounces. Oh, so some of them—

oh, that's double the other kid. Yeah, a 1 pound 8 ounce kid is wild, bro. That's wild. When were they born? 2009. That's about 24 years after Amy and Stu Shankman got married.

Hey, God bless the Shankmans, and we wish them a million more years. If you ever get to meet with them, man, I want to see the— I want to see— I want to see the tape of you guys meeting up together. So you got Manoush, your new show.

Manoush is in the show, and Foul Play.

Foul Play is on now on TBS. People can check it out with Anthony Davis, and he's in every episode.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

He's in every— and all of the athletes and stars and stuff stuff like that. And, uh, yeah, I'm on tour. SalvolcanoComedy.com for tickets. Um, got up to June announced, but I'm gonna be doing all of Canada in October, and then I'm gonna be doing UK and Europe in '27.

Yeah, yeah.

And then probably come back around, get the last few cities I haven't gotten to here, maybe film this next special, maybe in Boston or something like that.

I love Boston.

Yeah.

Do you think your family will go hit the road with you?

I'm gonna try to maybe take them out to the UK. Yeah, yeah, visit Ari out there and stuff.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, so that should be fun. And then, uh, yeah, and then what else? I guess, yeah, Jokers will be out starting July. It'll be season 13. It's crazy.

Well, um, you guys can find everything. We'll share all the links, man, and we'll share everything for you, dude. And Sal, thanks for coming and just spending time with us.

And of course, man, thanks for having me. I love you.

It's kind of cool. I love you too, man. And thanks for just telling us about the Shankmans and just—

let's find them. I, I can't wait. Yeah, I gotta look. We gotta— you're gonna help me find them.

Amy and Stu, the Shankmans, they're looking for you. Um, all right, blessings, bro. Thank you so much.

Got it, baby. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found. I can feel it in my bones, but it's going to take a little