Transcript of #656 - Fahim Anwar New

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I want to let you know that I'll be doing a podcast taping this podcast, uh, before a live audience. Um, it's the only time I've ever done that, and it may be the only time I ever do. I don't know. Uh, but that will be with the champ, Iron Mike Tyson, on May 5th in Los Angeles at the Wiltern Theater, um, as part of the Netflix Is a Joke Fest. And after that, it'll be on our channel, so you can see it there. You can get tickets at theovon.com/tour. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian, he's an actor, and he's a dancer. Um, he's a dancer. Uh, we've been friends for a long time, and it's great to finally have him in. His new special, Intrusive Thoughts, is right now available on YouTube. Uh, we've got a link in the description. Today's guest is my friend, Mr. Fahim Anwar. I'm saying, over there, it doesn't even happen. Somebody just said there were some fires going on. Are there?

Remember when everyone had that Fire app for like 3 weeks? Oh, and then we deleted it. Yeah, right, like we just were all about that Fire app, but like I deleted it.

Yeah.

Or are you still trying to find out like what fires are going on in Oregon or something?

Oh bro, when people had that app. Bring up that app. What was that?

Was it called Fire?

I mean, I think it was called Something's Burning. Was it just an advertisement for Berk Reicher's podcast?

It was cross-pollination.

What was that app? WatchDuty. That was the app, bro. Yeah, remember? It was like, oh, there it is. Oh, it's on, uh, the fire. It's like, oh, it's on Venice Boulevard, you know?

Well, it was like, you thought you're gonna die, so you just like, am I by the flames? Yeah, do I have to outrun it? Yeah, it just says run.

Yeah, it just pops up. Dude, that, that was it right there. Remember, and the flames would get bigger and stuff. They had airplanes going by, and every now and then they would have this like, like a burning emoji would just run across the screen.

They would have an icon of a guy setting fires. You're like, somebody take care of him. Why is he— cops, get on it.

Yeah, dude, that app was crazy. And it was like, oh, leave your popcorn kernels out on your, uh, veranda, it's gonna be a hot one. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. They're like, oh, it's gonna be— yeah, definitely, it's a great day to make some it's a great day to get some popcorn going.

Yeah, they're probably— I mean, it was bittersweet. Like, the developers were probably stoked. Yeah, that, you know, everyone's downloading the app, but it's a shame that like this has to happen for the downloads to go through the roof. Maybe they're starting it, dude.

That's what I was saying. I wonder if they could find— knowing what we know now, like, I wonder if they could find like a connection between the developers were the ones starting the fires, because that's what you start to realize in the world. It's like Yeah, if there's a crazy app that comes out that helps solve a problem, the other side of the makers of the app sometimes are— they're in conjunction with the people making the problem.

You got to create the need.

Yeah, you got to create the need, dude. Fahim Ammar, good to see you, dude.

Thanks for having me, man. Oh man, same. Thank you. This is great.

Yeah, it's been awesome, man. Thanks for your patience too.

Of course.

Um, yeah, I know you got— you have a new special that's coming out, right?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what's the name of it?

It's called, uh, I'm blanking on it.

Oh shit, I'll help here, and this will help the name of it.

I should know what it's called.

Intrusive Thoughts, bro. There you go.

I need some of them right now.

Yeah, it's almost like, yeah, yeah, you could use one.

That's just doing a promo run. This is good to get the kinks out. What's the name of the special? Let me just do the biggest podcast and they go, what's the name of the special? Should I look? I want to hit every camera where I have a brain fart. Intrusive thoughts.

Yeah, there you go.

I think I was thinking of my last special and I, yeah.

And it's out now?

It's out now, yeah, yeah.

Oh, nice, man, congratulations.

Thank you, man, thank you.

And you also, what's the show that you do? It's the fixing.

Oh, the working, the working on stuff?

Yeah.

So it's in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. That one's called Fahim Works on Stuff. And it's a weekly series I do. I work on material and then eventually, sometimes it makes it into the set. So like this hour I did, a lot of those jokes ended up making it. But if you like standup and how it's crafted and stuff, that's a fun one to check out.

Oh, so for like from the stage all the way and then how they ended up in—

Well, it's just me trying jokes out. Like I have paper and stuff and there's, you know, the way we write material, you know, you get ideas and you try it out. I just, I film it and then I put it up and I'd love to have you do it sometime too. I'd love to have you on the show.

Yeah, man, if I'm in town, I'd love to do it, dude.

Thank you. Of course.

I thought it was like Fahim Works on stuff. It was like you fixing like a motor or something.

Yeah, that's bad branding, I guess. Some people in the comments are like, I thought there'd be a carburetor. That's on me, but I'm on the thumbnail. I have a— I'm doing this.

There you go, right there. Fahim works on stuff and his friends drop by. That's great.

So it's— yeah, it's a nice—

it's so you, dude. Nobody works on stuff more than you, bro. You are like— you're the guy that's always done— like, to me, that's always done it like a comedian, like a true comedian does it. If they— if people have an idea of what that is, and everybody's ideas can be different But if you had like this idea of like—

well, it's very flattering, man.

Thank you, man. Um, but yeah, I was expecting something like a car, but I was expecting something different. Or I just thought it was like one of like Bert Kreischer shows, whatever. He like every other, you know, he always says something like Bert fights a mole or whatever, you know, right? It's like, you know, I'm just—

I'm working on a different thing every show. Like it's a skateboard one show, a BMX.

Yeah.

And then maybe, uh, an Impala.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's building.

In the comments, what do you want me to work on next?

Yeah, and then your, your wife's like, why don't you work on this marriage or whatever, dude?

Are you married? I don't know.

Okay, never mind.

I don't work on that. I only work on jokes.

And yeah, yeah, because—

whoa, was that all you guys whipped that up just now?

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow.

Um, Fahim and we're working under the hood, always greasing, bro. That shit's dope, dude. You're kind of black arming there, but they've given me bigger forearms.

I kind of like that.

Yeah, you look— that made me beefier, dude. That Chassis Grease right there, that can of—

I like how they kept the Apple Watch. That's— AI is not cutting me a break at all, bro.

You got to— you got to have something on you to let you know when lunch is, bro.

That's the thing. Should I do this? I look way happier doing this. I, I haven't smiled this much ever on stage, but I'm just looking It's like my child.

Oh, with that pride. That's great, dude. Um, oh, what was I gonna ask you? Oh, do you see that guy hit the Jumbotron or something? That—

no, I missed it. What was it?

I mean, this is way less important than your special, but let's, let's veer off. Yeah, uh, another view of the parachuter who hits the Jumbotron at the Virginia Tech game. This is the problem now with DEI, dude. It's like they can't even get a good parachuter.

Do we know the race of the guy who was parachuting, though? He survived.

I mean, but that's crazy, bro. Just another gooner getting too close to the screen, huh? Dude, you would think—

what if the whole stadium just saw a guy die before a game? Do they continue the game?

That's a great question.

Like, you do a half at least, right? You do a half and then out of respect you don't play the rest of the half. You play half a game when a guy dies.

Yeah, that'd be crazy. What would happen, say, that guy who obviously was— what was he doing where he got too occupied?

Yeah, where he do his phone.

Yeah, he was just like this.

He was watching footage of him. He's like, well, I'm getting pretty close to that thing.

Oh man, it's just sad, bro. That gooning, dude. They— those guys want to get so close to the screen, dude. They want to be right there. It's not enough. We used to masturbate like in like almost what is considered now kind of archaic ways.

Pages. Yes, a 2D image. Yeah, like kids don't know what that's like to— that's like jerking off to a shadow at this point, you know what I mean?

Yeah, the only volume was you had to quietly turn the page. Remember that?

Yeah, sometimes you would like move it around and make it dance, make it seem like she's really there. Yeah, now they're like Apple Vision Pro. They're like, load me up. They're loading up different chicks. They're having threesome.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, they're having eights. I'm sorry, having a freaking other— like, there's— they have one where an octopus will jerk you off, and if you guess the arm he's gonna do it with, like, you win more coins or whatever. I'm like, what is it?

That'd be cool if there was an orgy with like everyone's wearing an Apple Vision Pro, but it's just like 12 people naked in a room. Like, y'all could be fucking each other. And they're like Yeah, the environment's better in this one. We're on the pyramids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, what are you talking about? We're on the Mayflower. Why would I fuck in my living room like some fucking— like some senior citizen when I could fuck on the Challenger? But you only have 40 seconds to fuck the Challenger.

Yeah, so it's like sort of like a bus contest. You have to do it under the clock or you blow up. You have to bust before you bust. Yeah, that's the name of the game.

Just—

and go, you died without busting. What game is this?

Oh damn, dude, it's definitely getting—

it's free, but then you have to pay for the tokens. That's where they get you. Yeah, game's free.

The game is free, but yeah, you get different coins too. I know there's like the— there's that one— I know virtual reality sex thing where they could— they're having sex on like, um famous, like, sad times that happened. I think there's one they're doing now. Palantir is doing one where you can just do it right in the Gaza rubble. They're offering that.

That's a new service. Yeah, they're pivoting. Yeah, it's sort of like Allbirds, the shoe company, went AI and everyone's like, okay. Yeah, that's like Crocs getting into, like, biotech, you know? And that's just allowed.

Dude, that's so funny, bro. Imagine Palantir actually— they would come out with something like that, dude. That soulless group. Um, yeah, but there's— that's where it's gonna get to. It's like, oh well, oh sorry, I would love to work out today, but I'm like, I'm banging a couple chicks on the Trail of Tears later this afternoon. Like, I'm meeting up with a couple of friends and we have— we're meeting up in an opioid crisis basement from like 2022. Yeah, you know, it's just gonna get weirder and weirder.

Why does it have to be like busting to sad stuff? It's just, it's funny. Those are the only levels. It can't be a meadow. It has to be like the worst.

What do you mean, like a meadow? Like a meadow from like, um, The Hills, like, uh, like The Sound of Music or something?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Oh, that'd be beautiful. Like in Stockholm?

Sure. Is that where it was?

Bring up a Stockholm meadow, please. What is it like there?

Oh, that's nice.

Oh God, look at that.

It's like an XP screensaver right there.

And where— yeah, that is— remember that when the nicest thing in your house was your screensaver? Oh yeah, but you looked out of your real windows and it was just like a bunch of like— it was like two black dudes fighting like a, like a crow in Baltimore or whatever.

What if that was the screensaver they sent to the hood? Like you couldn't even have the rolling, it had to be like what's outside your window. Yeah, so it couldn't even be that, it was just like dilapidated cars.

What is that place? Oh, um, go back to the previous one, Nick. Whatever you clicked on right here. Green Meadow at Arnsen Johagen. But yeah, dude, you're right. I'm thinking of like negative things, but it is funny.

I do like that constraint that it's a pretty awesome video game, but it has to be in terrible places. Yeah, that's just the deal. Yeah, maybe the patch will let you do nice places, but until then, we're beta testing the terrible places, right?

In the beginning, it's like virtual reality sex thing. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

But in the beginning you only get to like, like do like, you can have orgies and meetups. You're allowed to have like 6 or 7 friends, but you can't have like 40 friends join you, right? Yeah.

Then you have to pay. That's like a paid tier. Yes.

And you get like, you unlock better places to be able to kind of basically jerk off in, hypothetically, that you would never be able to go to because what do you think the ultimate unlock is?

Ooh.

Well, what are some second tiers even?

Let's, if you don't mind, you unlock movie theater. Let's say if you want to throw back, you know? Yeah. Movie theater, maybe. Um, like a porn theater back in the day.

Yeah, Jets game or whatever.

Sure, sure. Do you think there's a guy— I mean, that's terrible, right? But kudos to the guy who can do that. Oh, who can bang it out to a Jets game, you know? Yeah, like football's going on, there's peanuts and popcorn, and he can still— like, if there was a, like, a talent scout for adult films, it'd be like, that guy, he's gonna do it on cue.

Yeah. We're looking at him for the second round. Yeah, we're drafting that guy.

Most people can't with like a few people watching. This guy does like a whole stadium.

Yeah, that's scary, dude. Imagine, I would have dreams where I had imagined like it was like a big thing and you had to jerk off a mountain or whatever, like a village couldn't eat or whatever, and everybody's there cheering and shit.

That's a lot of pressure.

Yeah, and then it's like 8 more weeks of winter for your stomachs, bro. Y'all ain't eating shit, dude, because y'all made me too nervous up here.

You blame it on them?

Yeah, we have to. They're cheering.

Don't cheer. It's like golf. Yeah, I need silence. I can't do this with you yapping in my— I have to start over. I had it and then I lost it.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Just can you get in the other room?

Oh, but yeah, that's just sad. Some guy jumps out of— I guess he jumped out of a rocket or something. I mean, what was he even doing?

Yeah.

And then, um, yeah, what would some of the— yeah, what would some of the highest tiers be like? Okay, and you can't really tell your parents unless they're like also almost play the game, then they already know, right?

Then they see you, like, 'cause your gamer tag is on there.

Yes.

And your dad sees that and you go, 'You play too?' Yeah.

That's sad, dude.

Yeah.

And when the power goes out of your place and both you and your dad, you just hear each other like, 'Dang, God,' because both y'all just got shut down and you're freaking from the Goonosphere or whatever. What did it bring up? Let's— I want to learn more about Gooning. Do you know a lot about it?

I don't know. These young kids, you know, they have all these terms and then I learn about it way too late. So gooning, is that just like pining? Is that the new version of pining?

Um, I'm not good. I think it's just like you're into something. Let's bring it up here on Perplexity. They help us.

I feel like this is overkill for AI. This is like shooting a fly with a cannon. AI, what is gooning? You have like Tony Stark shit just to explain. AI, what's 2 2? Perplexity is a sponsor. We're gonna pull up 2+2. Perplexity, what color is the sky?

My perplexity must think I am the fucking dumbest guy in the world, dude. We ask the most basic shit 'cause we don't know it.

This is the most Theo thing though ever. This is like quintessential Theo. Like, pull up AI, pull up Gooning. Just the most robust infrastructure for the silliest thing.

We built all of this just to look that up. Dude, they need to do a remake of Goonies, but it's Goop. But it's gooning, bro.

You sold it in the room. Yeah, yeah, you sold it on name alone, bro.

You telling me, and they all have to get to one magic spot and they all jerk off in like a cup from like a senior citizen from like 2,000 years ago?

I just picture you in a suit at Paramount pitching this, like you're saying all the same things and you pitch it in a suit.

What does it say? Quick definition, modern sexual meaning in current internet slang: gooning is a form of marathon masturbation and porn consumption where someone stays aroused for a long time. So it's basically like trying to, um, keep the party going. You— and also I think it's trying to keep your wiener up. So it's trying— there's like a level of like, you know, what the— they get the fish thing when they try to get the dolphin like stay on its tail for a little while.

So gooning is the human equivalent of a dolphin staying on the water?

Yeah, when they—

yes, you have to make that sound when you're gooning.

Mine sounds like a fucking broke-down gay dude. Hold on.

It's pretty good. Yours is like half and half human, half dolphin, like The Blade.

Yeah, yeah, mine sounds like an Asian car that won't start, dude. Just—

so that's gooning pretty much, huh?

Um, let's get a little more—

sorry, is it like edging? Didn't— wasn't that a thing before?

Well, someone stays aroused for a long time, often hours, edging themselves into a trance-like zoned-out state rather than just quickly getting off. That's crazy, bro. So I didn't know that. I thought it was just— I mean, I guess— I mean, I knew that it was somebody like that was really locked in on seeing their, their penis and wanting to cum, or just being involved with pornographia, you know, or porno or whatever. I knew it was a lot of that, but I didn't know that this exists. Well, just the levels they're going to for it. Um, Solo means non-partnered porn driven off your multiple tabs, niche content, things on loop. What are you fucking doing? Are you like Reggie Watts or whatever?

Like, you have a loop machine, you're playing this thing, you're like a DJ. What is this, the birth of hip-hop? It's a new genre of porn where like people would just play the whole thing, but I started chopping it up and now people come to my porn DJ sets all the time. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah, the Coachella main stage and the beat drops, dude, and just fucking like fakes—

like that's when the fog comes, like, or the foam, like in Ibiza. Yeah.

Oh, that's Goonie, man. Dang, it's in long, long before anything to do with porn. Goon meant things like fool, thug, or a henchman. The history roughly looks like older English roots, gone, gone Do you think old-fashioned goons are upset that it's like their word has been taken away?

They go, no, I don't do that.

I'm a goon. Yeah, I'm a real—

I'm a muscle. I'm a goon for the mob. I'm not these Gen Z fuckers. I'm an OG goon.

I'm a real goon, brother.

I'm a real goon.

Yeah, I'm not just jerking off or whatever somewhere. But it's just sad that like this is kind of like our military now. It's like there's enough of them doing it now where it's like They have like meetups and they have like, you know, they have almost like those dance-a-thons or whatever, where it's like, like it's like, uh, what is it, Fonzie?

Like a sock hop or something?

Yeah, it's like we're raising money for, uh, testicular cancer or whatever, and how many kids are in the— like, what's it called if people goon together? Is there a— there's got to be something.

That actually sounds like good for the community. Well, yeah, gooning by yourself, goon together. You got the goon-off. Yeah, down at the local gymnasium. Winner of the goon-off gets a Hyundai Elantra.

When people say goon together, it's typically referred to as a group gooning or participating in a goon session, communal gooning, often organized via online communities like Discord, Reddit, and adult platforms.

Wow.

Huh.

Oh, group sessions.

Okay, I don't— this must be— I think this is a younger person's thing too, like a teenage or adult. I mean, like, or college age. I don't really— I don't think I have the time to devote to that.

Yeah, it seems like a lot of time. I wonder if we're just out of touch. Like, do you think parents are like, I don't understand your goonies? Like, you don't get me, Dad. Yeah, me and my friends are doing it. If we're too old—

Richard, he's in there gooning right now.

It's like that, that, uh, weed commercial. Like, where did you learn to goon? I learned it from watching you.

Yeah. Oh, that shit hit me, dude. I didn't even have a kid. I was— I was a kid. I was a kid and I just felt all the pain of it. Like, God. Oh man, that's wild, dude. Anyway, bro, good to see you, dude.

Same, man. Thank you for having me. And I don't know if I told you officially, but thank you for having me on tour with you with those dates. Oh yeah, that was so fun to do. I'd never done something like that. So like, I've been doing stand-up a long time, but I haven't played venues like that before.

Where'd we play in Seattle?

No, no, no, we did the Midwest run. So we did Iowa, we did Minnesota, we did North Dakota, South Dakota. Oh yeah, but I've just never played venues that large before. So I mean, the largest I've done before I came out with you is 7,000 at the Dolby, 7,000 people. And then we did— some of these were like 18,000. I just want to do that for me, just like, what is that like? It's like big wave surfing, you know? Yeah, for real. It's scary, man, because I met up with you guys in Iowa, I think, at first, like tour bus, there's the venue and all that. And then you look at the seats in the daytime and it's, it's like that scene in, uh, Interstellar, where they see that giant wave, you know what I mean? Like, your, like, your heart kind of sinks a bit. You're like, oh man, these are going to be filled with people. But then you do one and you're like, I know what this is.

Yeah, it takes some— it's like, I mean, definitely navigating some of that is different. Uh, and thanks for coming, dude. I appreciate it, man. Thank you so much, dude. A lot of times it's like tough to get a lot of headliners to come out on the road because a lot of them are working different weekends or something like that, and I know that was an off weekend for you, so thanks for coming out. Of course. Yeah, dude, were we at the place where that— that place in North Dakota was, I think, the biggest building I'd ever been in.

Fargo Dome?

Yes.

That was insane.

The busses were like inside. Yes, they were. And then there was a whole nother inside where they had like a basketball court.

Yeah, we were playing basketball before the show behind a curtain. It was like two stadiums almost. The place was divided in half and it was— even with it divided in half, it was huge.

It was unbelievable. And there was like, yeah, they're like, they have— they sell animals in here. They do everything. Here. They churn it, they earn it, whatever. Like, they had a whole shirt like, churn and yearn, or whatever. It was like their— it was like kind of an Amish thing. And then like, like defeating like sexual sin or whatever, right?

They do that. But do you remember— I don't know if you told the story— my favorite— there's like two moments from the tour that I like were my favorite. The, the guy's hat blowing off. Have you told that on here?

No, I haven't told that.

You remember, right?

Yeah, it was like wizard work.

Well, we were in Clear Lake, right?

Yes.

So what's cool about you, like you want to do stuff in the town. Back in the day, I would tour with Bobby, and he just— he's like a vampire. He just closes and he's in the darkness until it's time for the show. But you actually want to hang out. And so we got lunch. We're in the tour bus, right?

He's like a Chinese vampire.

I think he does Xbox or PlayStation till the show.

He's fucking Goonies.

He's probably Goonies.

He started it, dude. He's Data from Goonies too.

Like, he's patient zero for Gooning.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

So we, we'd get lunch before the shows and we parked on the outskirts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, uh, so right before this even happened, we're gonna walk to the sandwich shop because, you know, like, oh, it's rated pretty high on Yelp. So we're in the middle of nowhere pretty much. It's a beautiful town, right?

That—

unbelievable. So nice, like a Spielberg movie or something. Small town USA. We're just walking down the thoroughfare and it's blowing like you're not supposed to be there. It's so weird to these people. They're like, Then there's this guy, this heavyset guy, you know, he's like, what the, what the fuck? Theo Von. Oh man, can I get a picture? And then he came up, but we were kind of running late. And he's like, you're like, sure thing, man. Just, uh, we're running a little late. If you can like, you know, keep up with us and we'll get, we'll get that selfie. He's like, you got it. And then it was really, it was like really windy. So he like, he gets up to you and the wind just blows his hat off.

Yeah.

Right when he got up to you, he's like, oh, oh. So then, and it was It was like bad wind. It went like a block away.

It was bad wind. Like, it was like— that's one of the reasons why we were trying to get— like, it was like, dude, we're going to be late where we're going. We would have been on time, but the wind was like— it was uphill when you were just flat. It was the worst winds that I'd ever been in. And it was beautiful day, insane winds, cloud seeding. Israel, go on.

So the hat blows off, the guy gets it, he puts it on, he catches up to you.

And it blew far.

It blew far.

It blew probably—

he's probably in zone 2 trying to catch it. Like, his heart, his heart rate was up.

Yeah, yeah, it blew. Yeah, it blew in probably 60 feet, which is far on a windy day. And it kind of went around the edge of a truck. Like, it blew far. Yeah, we're like, holy shit.

He tracked it down, put it on. Man, what are you doing here? I'm a huge— blows again. He runs, he repeats, he goes, he gets it.

We're still walking and my feelings start to get hurt a little bit at this point because it's like, dude, look, that hat's going to be here all the time.

That's what we were thinking. Like, like, yo, how often are you in Clear Lake? This guy's going— he's a bigger fan of this hat than he is of you, right?

And he kept kind of— he's like, just wait, just wait. And we're kind of waiting but getting hit by the wind and like, okay, go on.

Third time. So it happens 3 times. He catches it, finally catches up with us. But it was just so funny. Like that whole day we were just laughing about the wind blowing that guy's hat, and then, yeah, like, how absurd.

It was like one of those moments you're like, this cannot be real, right? Like, it was just, oh, hold on, you know?

It was a cartoon. Yeah, it was literally like a Looney Tune.

And we'd have to sit there. At one point we sat on a bench for like a little bit and waited for him to go get his hat again. We're like, because the hat, like, he just— I don't know, I think he also wore the lightest hats.

It's like, dude, it was like papier-mâché, it was made out of Kleenex, and it would just blow off. Yeah, it was made out of Kleenex and he just Sharpied New York on it.

It's like a repurposed kite that TOMS has made, and now they're making hats, you know.

Yes, designed to blow off your head.

And then we walked over to the Surf Ballroom, remember that?

Oh yeah, where, uh, the Ritchie Valens—

where Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper, uh, where they played their last show, dude, before that plane crash. And it was still as intact as ever. It was like going back in the past. They were so happy we were there, they like gave us a tour of everything. You got to see the phone where they called, like where he called his mom and he's like, don't worry, Mom, I'll be home.

Yeah, so much history there.

Yeah.

And then we got shirts. We got matching shirts.

We did.

I thank you for that shirt. I've worn mine too.

It's a good shirt.

We should wear on the same show sometime.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, we've been there.

We'll go there. You know what we'll do, dude? We will go there and we got to go there and do some shows.

It was like, it was so nice. I filed it away. I'm like, I should vacation here one time.

That's what exactly what I thought would be a cool vacation spot. And I wish we honestly kind of wish we weren't even talking about because I don't want other people to know how great it is. But every yard there, everything, it was just kind of perfect.

Picturesque. Yeah, yeah. And then I forgot what city this was in, but after the shows you do meet and greets sometimes, you know, you're really good about that. And so you're meeting your fans and then talking to them and all that. And then there's this girl in a wheelchair, very sweet. You're talking to her and then you have this rapport with her and then you go, you know, if you don't mind me asking, like, may I ask what happened?

And then, yeah, how'd you get all wheeled out? That's my big question, because we don't know, right?

We gotta know. And then she's like, oh yeah, yeah, I, uh, you know, I was in a car accident. My car spun around and I got flung out of the car. And then, and then you go, now, now, what kind of car was it? Yeah, like, like no other person on Earth would drill down on what type of car it was. And then she's like, oh, I think it was like Oldsmobile or something, and then you're like, now is that a nice vehicle?

Did I really? Oh shit. I'd like to try to add context just so I know.

I know, it's like so you though.

It's hard to use my imagination to work if I don't know.

Yeah, you wanted to paint the story, you know?

Yeah. And different cars, I could see your body leaving out of it a different way. Like, that's a good point. If it's like a heavy older model car, you could probably slip out the window, side window. It was one of these new cars, these little bouncing baby buggies or whatever. He'd fucking fly right out of the front of that bitch.

Yeah, just on a left turn even.

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One thing I noticed too about touring with you, because I mean, we've been friends and I see you at the clubs all the time, but then hanging out with you outside of the clubs is a different thing because everyone is kind of famous at the club because those are comedy nerds and everyone knows someone.

Yeah.

But then you're like famous famous, and I just hadn't experienced that firsthand because I would see you at the store or see at the Improv, you know. So we were It would happen everywhere, like that sandwich shop. And then I remember DQ especially, we're at the Dairy Queen place, I wanted to get like a Blizzard. Oh yeah, then you're like, I'll come. If you saw Mount Rushmore or whatever. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's tinier than you think it'd be.

We did, we did like a whole family worth of vacationing in one week.

Like we were basically in an RV. It's like we were doing a family vacation and happened to do these shows.

Dude, you guys went in a helicopter, didn't you?

I didn't because I'm afraid of that. Oh yeah, you didn't.

I didn't because I didn't pay. I got a deal out of those people. So I was like, they're fine. They're definitely—

but Bizzle went, Lee went. I'm trying to think who else.

Yeah, Lee Kimbrell and— yeah, there we are, dude.

I always— I mean, it was cool. It was definitely cool and impressive, but I thought it would be bigger.

There's a lot of like kind of— there's like you park, you walk up, they do a good job of making it so you can't see it till you get there.

Yeah, yeah. There is kind of the big reveal.

They have all the flags along the side of different countries. Which I don't even know why they have that. And then the craziest part about Mount Rushmore is there's another side to it where they were— they're making the face of a Native American, right?

Oh, that's right.

I think originally it was public and then it got, um, kind of privatized, and there was a man who was trying to do it with his sons, just with the hammer by himself. And an X-Acto knife and a Sonicare. He's just out there.

A Sonicare. Um, do you think that's how they sold it to them? Like, all right, we're gonna do the present and then we'll get to the— like, ah, we ran out of dynamite. Yeah, they just bait and switched them.

You're like, you mean the stuff you, you used to blow up all of our villages and lives in history? You didn't have just a little leftover?

He blew it all, ironically. Yeah.

Um, dude, this is so great. While they're, while they're for, uh, checking it out. Thank you guys for checking. Um, it's fun to see this picture because I just— sometimes that you just forget, like, I— like, you just go through so many places sometimes and it's almost like it bums you out in a way because you— I think it bums anybody out when you're traveling or anything you're doing. It's like you can only hold on to it so much, right? And then life gets going and life's so busy now for everybody, the way we interact and the way there's like always entertainment, always something to keep us like There's always like a, a seal with a ball on its nose, hypothetically, you know. And it's— we forget sometimes, just like the moments that we've had.

I'm trying to be better about taking pictures. We have a phone in our pocket at all times, and I forget to, you know, I'll be at the store, there'll be some great moments, or I'll be on tour with you, and I got to capture these moments, or you, you kind of forget about them. It's nice to go through your phone, go through your Instagram, be like, oh, that was a fun time.

Oh yeah, going through is the best. Yeah, I think this is it, right? Yeah, the Crazy Horse Memorial is a mountain monument under construction on privately held land in the Black Hills in Custer County, South Dakota.

So that's a different mountain or whatever, right?

It's not the same right there. Um, Henry Standing Bear, um, a Lakota chief and well-known statesman and elder in the Native American community, recruited and commissioned Polish-American sculptor Korczak Ziolkowski to build the Crazy Horse Memorial. Um, In 1939, November 7th, Henry Standing Bear wrote to the Polish-American sculptor who worked on Mount Rushmore under Gutzon Borglum. He informed the sculptor, my fellow chiefs and I would like the white man to know that the red man has great heroes too.

Wow.

So that's putting like that tweet out there. That's like tweeting back then, sending a letter, just talking shit, just being the Draymond Green of like the Lakota Nation. Um, in June 3rd, 1948, Uh, Ziolkowski detonated the first blast on the mountain, and the memorial was dedicated to the Native American people. Work continues slowly over the next few decades since Ziolkowski refused to accept government grants. Ah, so he probably didn't want to accept them, I'm assuming, because it was like, this is the government trying to put money into pay, like, just to make it look a little bit better for what they did. Instead, as he stated on a 1961 guest appearance on a TV show, to tell the truth, he raised money for the project by charging 75 cents admission to the monument work area. Hmm. The memorial celebrated 75th anniversary in 2023. Crazy Horse's left hand was finished by 2024.

Um, I wonder when it'll be done.

I don't know. Well, note here that, uh, the land is run by the U.S. Forest Service and they were just defunded, so it's probably gonna— I think that affects how long it takes. Shit.

Well, I got the hand though. It's kind of nice.

Yeah, I mean, it's like at this point I would pivot.

Yeah, to what?

And I hate to say that, but you have the hand.

Yeah, right.

Do they have an update of what it looks like?

Here we go.

It looks like Bill Maher a little.

Maybe that's the pivot.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, just real-time shoots there. Okay.

Oh, that's wild, dude.

What if there's a huge mistake? They go, oh, we thought you wanted Bill Maher. Yeah, they go, no, it was this Native American. Oh, well, I opened up this attachment. It was— I thought it was Bill Maher. Yeah, I must have had my tabs messed up.

Yeah, I must— oh, I must have had a different window open on my browser.

Well, what do we do now? Well, I mean, we've blasted a lot of the mountain. Whose hand is it? I think, I think it's Bill Maher's. It might be the other, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, maybe you go like Bill Maher with a Native American hand.

That's a— that's a good compromise because you got to do something.

Or you just open up a ring shop and chisel out the inside of the hand. I don't know what you do.

That'd be kind of cool, like all they do is rings. Yeah, and it's inside of a hand.

Yeah, I've thought about that before, dude. Like, somebody had a great name for a ring shop, dude, and every day I think about what it was and I can't remember what it was.

Was, but it'll come back to you.

Yeah, yeah, thank you, dude. Of course. Um, but yeah, the Crazy Horse Memorial started in 1948, still not finished. Oh, there's a good video about it right there, huh?

He's ripped. Look at that, the horse and him are ripped.

That's pretty wild.

It's kind of centaur-ish a little though, the art.

Yeah, dude, sometimes when you look at stuff that's like going on in the world today, like, it's kind of crazy. Like, you kind of look at things like, you're like, oh, where there's like people being abused, taken advantage of here, right? Like, there's a genocide here, there's this, this like, uh senseless, like propaganda-ridden bombing and attacking over here, right? But then you look at also like that people like with that, that, that, that happened to Native Americans too.

It's just like, it's kind of like, um, a tale as old as time, which is so sad.

I know, you think like, yeah, who opens for Spade right now?

Matt, Matt Kershawn?

No, I love that guy though. Oh, Patrick Keane. And he has this joke, it's like he goes, well, at one time there was like, um Joseph, Mary, Cain, and Abel, you know, and then Cain killed Abel. Did Cain kill Abel?

Perplexity. Yes. Perplexity. Who killed—

it's like a— it's like the religious Clue, the board game, that one always has it. Um, but he goes, at one point in history, 25% of the population were murderers, which is just— it's— for me, that was always like one of the best jokes, dude. He's like, there were 4 people and they couldn't figure it out, and one of them killed one of the other ones.

It's a hyper—

just heartbreaking. Yeah, but it's just crazy. It's like sometimes you want to get at— like, that's one part where I like, I'll get agitated about things, but then I'm like, but you know, I don't know, life— a lot of life is suffering. Do you think that's true?

Yeah, yeah. And trying to make the best of what's in front of you and do what you can do. And but it's almost— I mean, I realized this later in life that a lot of life is like SimCity. It'll never be perfect, but you can get it as close to optimal as you can. But nothing will be perfect. You do something, then drug abuse goes up. Then you do this other thing, then the wait for the bathroom in the roller coaster line goes up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know? Just life is SimCity. And there's not a perfect system, but we're all striving to get there. And that's kind of hard to come to terms with. When you're young, you just think everything should be candy pop, or you know, Rim, you know, gumdrops and lollipops. But it's so hard to maximize utility for everyone because some— something's got to give eventually. But we can do our best, you know, and it's nice that we have that drive to do so as humans.

Yeah, maybe we'll enter a new phase too where we realize like, oh, all this capitalism, all that bull— it's like, it's not— nobody's winning with it, you know. All this like conquering— you would think that like— I kind of thought we were over like some of the colonialism shit.

Well, even just like untethered capitalism, we're seeing the cracks in it right now.

Yeah.

We're like late-stage capitalism right now, which is interesting. Like, it's just kind of funny. Like, oh, MrBeast has a chocolate, The Rock has a tequila, you know. Uh, yeah, Beyoncé has a toothpaste. You have to be— now all our products are just faces.

It's interesting. Oh, cavities. Yeah, like somebody the other day offered to come, was like going door to door, like, we'll come and spray your bugs, you know. You have any bugs? You're like, I don't know. You're like, oh, bugs always attack people who don't know if they have them. And I'm like, they're just using— like, they use like reverse psychology and stuff. And they're like, oh, be quiet, be quiet. And they're like, oh, do you hear that? That's— and they'll make up like a bug or something, you know?

Yeah.

Like, that's like a fucking wasp or whatever, you know, or some bug. It's like— and I'll bleep that out, sorry. But yeah, you're like, that's like a, uh, you know, they make something up like, oh, that's a fucking wasp from Tijuana or something, you know?

Like, are those worse than regular wasps? Yeah, yes, yeah, they are. They're south of the border. They, they're smarter.

They're— yeah, yeah, they're spicy. Oh yeah, they're lost from home. They're angry.

Yeah, you're like, if they made it all the way up here, they're angry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they want to go.

They're lost.

And the guy's like, we have to come and just spray tequila in your yard. And you're like, what?

It's got to be top shelf. They know, they know the difference.

Yeah. Oh, they know if they're getting the bunk shit. But yeah, there's just like— anyway, So that— and then that dude had merch. He's like, you want to get some of my merch?

The exterminator had merch?

Yeah. And that's when I was like, oh my God, we've hit this crazy place where it's like, you know, you could have like an— like somebody's bleeding to death, an EMT shows up, and neither one of them will help. Like, like, and the EMT won't help until you buy his merch. Like, he— or as he's setting up doing CPR, he sets up a little merch thing by it, right?

Or like a wristband, like Coachella, like What tier coverage do you want?

Yeah.

All right, then the paddles are in this tent.

Yeah, like, how do you want to— yeah, yeah, do you want the full paddles? You just want to breathe in here and you just want the hand? You want the hopeful hand?

Right, breathe, breathe this extra. Yeah, we don't, we don't, you know, do you want one paddle or two? We give you like half a zap. Yeah, yeah, but if you want the full zap, it'll cost you. And what's the voltage? It's a tiered program.

Yeah, this is tiered, man. We'll give you a trial zap.

That's just a taste. Yeah, just give your heart a taste. Yeah, like, oh, it liked that. I would upgrade. Seems like your heart wants that.

Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants, you know? And that's what his merch said on it. I'm like, that's crazy. It's just like, man, it's just gotten to be a crazy world, dude. Um, dude, you're so funny, man. You're one of the funniest guys that ever existed, dude.

I mean, I don't know about that, but you, dude, you are—

you're the guy that everybody goes to see. That's kind of weird. I wonder if that feels— does that feel like pressure? Because that's a real thing. People will be like, maybe at the Comedy Store or whatever. I'm kind of like, you'll be like, Ophaheem's on, right? Yeah. And you'll go watch because the rest of us are kind of like slithering, hopeful fucking like humor grifters, I think. No, but you're like, you always bring something new to the table every time.

I guess I just, I like new bits. Maybe that's a detriment. I remember when I was a young comic, I just, I loved new material more than crushing. So there were certain shows where maybe I should have been trying to impress agents or managers or execs. But I had a new joke that I won. I was just— I'm always itching to like throw out a new idea. And when you're young, you don't really know how to navigate that as well. So I've just always been wired that way. I just love new material. So it's kind of nice that now it's caught up with me and it's, it's an asset now where I know how to write a little faster. But yeah, I've just always been that way. I just like new ideas.

Do you think like a lot of your ideas— because you all— like, I'll say something to you like, man, I'm not feeling well, and you're You make it sound like— what if you were—

like I have some superpower, like I go in some fugue state when you mention something and I go— and the papers start turning. What if I'm Perplexity? I should mention the guys. I've been Perplexity the whole time, dude.

You're like, yeah, I'm not feeling well. Like, dude, what if you weren't feeling well but like, um, there was like a bunch of bad guys chasing you, but you have to not feel well and still get away from them, you know? I did do that. That's kind of a horrible example, I think.

No, but you capture the energy. And I guess I'm kind of reserved generally if I don't know you. But like when something tickles me or I feel like I have a good idea or like we have a rapport, I've known you forever and we're just having fun and there's— I just love a good idea. So I get excited and then I'm like doing it and I don't even know that I'm doing it. You know what I mean?

Like, yeah, that's what it seems like. It seems like this thing. It's almost like when you pour a beer and it's somebody like pours it too fast and it's just going to come out of the glass no matter what. Right. That's how it seems like with you whenever there's like some, like, it's like, it's almost like watching like an animal get excited, kind of. It's like this, what about this? And then it's like you try to slot it in and you always slot it in like the best places. And then you're, and you're not afraid to do act outs on stage either. Like, you are not, like, I mean, I know for a while you were doing, um, Lance Can't Stop.

Oh yeah, Can't Stop Dancing.

Like, the dancing shit was fucking crazy, bro. The The, the, the rat tail, all that shit was great, dude.

I had this weave. I did the mothership maybe like 2 years ago, but I don't do it as much anymore. What's funny is I booked this. I did a video game.

Adam Ray's doing it now though.

Not Lance. He's doing a different thing.

Oh, I'm joking. I thought, would it be great if now he's doing Lance Katsopoulos?

He's doing Dr. Phil as Lance. Like, hey, what's your name? Are you, are you two dating? Check out these dance moves.

Dude, that's so great. But yeah, bro, just your ability to like not be like phys— I've always been physically fearful, right?

Oh, really?

Yeah. Like, I don't mind like kind of like—

You move, you move around.

You know, like taking like ownership of the space, but to act out like something physically, that like scares me, bro.

I guess when I was a kid, I like dancing was my first thing. So when I would do talent shows and—

What do you mean dancing? Like, who was— I just love dancing. Who was funding it? You mean Hezbollah or whatever? Like, what even— Their dance wing.

No, it was just, uh, I mean, I grew up with Michael Jackson. I'm the generation that just like, he was king and he was at his peak, like the dancing and the singing and all the music videos. So I would try to mimic it. And that was my first kind of like entry into per— this is so old.

It is.

This is when I was working at Boeing in Long Beach. Look at those pants. It's so old. Those are in again.

You look a little like Ari Mendez, bro. You fucking vibed it up, homie.

I mean, this dancing is not that great. I wouldn't— I wouldn't have this as—

we're keeping the WASPs. They want to stay and party, homie. Your shit is popping.

I downloaded Sony Vegas and I'm just like putting all these filters on it because it's free. I think it's like Industrial Light and Magic, like check this out, George Lucas.

When was this? All the filters just like some hunter like looking through a scope.

Really?

Yeah, that's the crazy part.

Now he has glaucoma, the hunter.

Now he's envious.

This song is a bop though if you watch it on real YouTube. That song's a bop.

When was that? How many years ago?

I don't know, so many years ago.

18, bro. That's crazy, dude. That's wild.

Um, and then I would go to a cubicle and do engineering. Thank God they didn't see my YouTube channel. How embarrassing would that be?

So you were actually in organized dance?

Not— no. Or was it funny? Uh, I would just do it by myself. I'd be— I would goon. I would dance goon. Oh yeah, I would do it alone. I would just like close the door, turn on Michael Jackson or any dance music, and I would, I would just dance in my room. I would dance in front of a mirror. And there was a currency to that when I was a kid, like to be the best dancer at school. You would have school dances and then everyone knew who the good dancers were. And then you'd kind of like battle. And there was social currency to dancing. I'm sure there still is.

That's a good point. But there was a lot of clout to that. It was like, oh yeah, that guy's the dancer.

It's like being the fastest kid at school. Remember how that was such a thing? Like, the hottest girl would be with the fastest kid in school.

Oh shit, yeah, we're like, oh shit, Damien, fast, right?

And then he loses one race and she's like, yeah, it's not working out.

Yeah, or Damien gets diabetes or whatever, and he can't run as much.

That's gonna affect his 50 time, right?

Yeah, the sugar got him coming up short.

So I was just into dance, so I guess that's my foundation. So I'm comfortable moving my body.

Yeah.

And then when I got into stand-up when I was like 18, and when I'm on stage, like If I have the idea, I just, I just do it. I don't even think about it. I don't have a fear of moving.

Wow, that's crazy.

And also it's an extension of the idea. If I have a bit and I'm in it, I don't even know that I'm doing it, honestly. Like, it's second nature, dude.

That's pretty great because it kind of gives you two instruments. It gives you the verbal instrument and then it gives you this whole other instrument. I do notice if I do yoga a good bit, um, and the more that I do it, the more my body shows up in certain bits and it's like Sometimes your brain will be like, oh, you can do this because you've been flexible, you've been keeping active, like your shit's— like you're keeping your, like, your blood up, your vibes up. Do this, you know what I'm saying? And you're like, oh, that fits. And it, like, it is interesting when, uh, you can— your ideas can use your whole instrument for sure.

And then you realize how much of comedy is nonverbal. Even it's really cool to have a great joke and people are laughing, and then you can get another laugh on a movement. You haven't even opened your mouth. It's just the look or a walk. And that's kind of exciting. Then it feels like, oh, I have new colors to paint with, with comedy, you know?

Yeah, dude, that's— I mean, that's— I don't know it as well. I know what you're talking about. And there's moments, like there's some moments in my comedy where I'll feel that way.

I've seen it. I'm trying to think of this older bit you used to do, the meeting Brad Pitt. Oh yeah. You would do it with that. I mean, you still do it. There are bits.

I still act out the thing, but I'll be afraid. Of like, I don't get into, like, I don't know, you get into this space where it's like, yeah, you're just this kind of thing that's kind of happening.

Um, I would love that as an intro. Like, this next guy is, he's a, he's kind of a thing that's happening. Not like in the trades or like right now, energetically. Ladies and gentlemen, Behemoth Noir. Yeah, I just come out.

Oh, it definitely, dude, for one of your specials, you have to do somebody comes out, rubs a lamp 3 times, and then I come out.

It's called— like, the special's called Career Suicide.

Or you're just like the janitor that comes at night and cleans up around the lamp, but then you start to create this energy in this dream. That, that would be more like you, bro.

We have 2 movie ideas this pod. We got the Goonies idea, and then we got this.

Yeah, dude, there it is. Gooners, dude. That's so great. That's awesome. Yeah, dude. Um, yeah, man, do you feel like, uh, because you've had— I mean, like, yeah, I think if people picked out like some of their favorite comedians, especially at the Comedy Store, because that's really kind of your home base, would you say?

Yeah, because I'm an LA comic and that's sort of like the place to be. There's 3 showrooms. I like working out there too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, it really is. There's no better— if you can go to one spot in a night.

Yeah.

And especially once you're allowed to park in the back.

Oh, it's the best.

Oh, that changes everything.

Parking. It's like I got in the stand-up just for the parking on Sunset Strip.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, how you always hear, like, people say comedy in L.A. has changed. L.A.'s like, the scene is dead. The scene is different, right? Maybe not dead. I think you just hear different.

Yeah.

Um, how have you seen it change? Like, probably since COVID into now. And like, what do you think of, like, just where things are?

Uh, I mean, we were in the heyday of The Comedy Store and we didn't even know it before COVID happened, you know? Like, Rogan was there, uh, Joey Diaz. Yeah, it was just juggernaut after juggernaut. These lineups were insane.

Tom Segura. Yeah, I mean, even on a Tuesday, Eliza Schlesinger. Um, I mean, and that was it. That was just like kind of people that were just there. You, and then you'd have, uh, but I was— I was Smith.

I was like middle of the pack. Like, these guys are fucking Titans, I was just kind of, it was kind of cool just to share that space. I'm still an unknown, but comedically and artistically, it's cool to be in the mix. Like Louis drops in or Burr, and then I go up after him. That's the thrill of the store that like at the end of the day, it still is, it's like being good at something like a really good saxophone player. It's like jazz. You'll see somebody who's just like huge, and then you get to take the stage and, You're there for a reason and you have to like survive. You have to learn how to survive when you're younger, but then you get to hold your own and that's cool because like audience members get to be hip to you. They're like, I came for Burr, but then I discovered these other comics. And that happens now at the store too. There's like young guys who are super funny. Yeah. And then they come because like they come to see you and then they get to see everybody else on the lineup. So we were in the heyday back then.

COVID happened. People go to Austin, some people go to New York, some people just like go to Vegas or Nashville even, you know. So it's not as big as it used to be. It's pared down a bit, but it's still an amazing club and the shows are still really good.

For sure.

It's just that was insanity and we didn't even know it at the time.

Right, we didn't know it. Do you think, what things do you feel like, 'cause you always hear like people denouncing it kind of, not denouncing, that's not the term, but you hear like—

Like it's over, LA's over.

Right, is that okay to say that we hear that?

We do hear it.

Okay, but what do you, but it's also every time something's over, whatever that is, there's always something new that's starting too. So like, what do you see that's like kind of the new things? Because I'm sure for like a lot of guys that couldn't get, uh, stage time— yeah, like, um, it was probably a hectic time for them, guys and girls that couldn't get stage time. Like, fuck, you know, it's like, yeah, you have all these guys who are able to sell tickets and they get all the, all the, like, the top 8 spots or whatever. And, and it's— I'm sure that was kind of like a clog in the system.

Yeah, but I think there's a life cycle for everything. It's, it's It's nature.

That's what I mean.

These guys, I even saw it with you and some of like my other peers, like we're kind of middling comics or whatever, and then you see everybody get really big and then they're on the road and that's awesome because they're getting popular, they're making money on the road, they're becoming more famous. And then that just naturally clears up stage time for this top tier at The Comedy Store. 'Cause like you're on the road, like so-and-so's on the road, like Segura, whatever. So now these guys get to get those reps in.

Yeah.

And then they get really good. And then they blast off. So there's this natural order of things. So when everybody went to like Austin and all that, it just kind of cleared space for the next tier, and now they're getting really good and stuff, and then hopefully they will flourish.

Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, it's just like, yeah, I think there's always something new that's starting. So I guess, yeah, that's what I was kind of wondering since I said, because I moved away, I was wondering like, yeah, what, what kind of like, do you feel like there's like a new thing that's happened there over the past few years.

Just new shots for like younger guys. And also, LA will always be LA. New York will always be New York. It'll ebb and flow from like how popping it is, but like, you know, Dua Lipa's in the crowd, right? Or Sabrina Carpenter's in the— you know, like these things happen. It's still LA. Yeah, same thing with New York. So you like can't take that away from it. Um, and yeah, everything's cyclical. But then I also— the recent development I think is just As cool as that is, digital is the most important place to be. Before, you had to be in New York and LA. Now you just got to be on phones. So it's, it's kind of cool how it's democratized comedy. Now you can be a funny kid in Clear Lake, Iowa, or anywhere, and just talk into camera, and you have just as much of a shot as, like, me at The Comedy Store or some other person at the mothership. Or so it's really even the playing field, which is kind of cool. The most important place is digital. But if you're talking about just stand up the craft, I think LA, New York, Austin are still great.

Yeah.

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He's in— I shot that special Hat Trick at the Comedy Store, and then the person who was shooting me had the cameras rolling, so I have it on film, me and Tarantino talking. And then I was gonna clear it with him, but I go, I don't want him to say no, so I'll just put it out there. What if he was saying bad stuff like, yeah, I'm eating babies, right? I'm eating them. I'm getting their life force. I'm like, this is great, keep rolling. No, just super nice, super complimentary. It might've been the night you were there too.

I think I was there. I tried to go up and I kept getting pushed to a different room. Ah.

So I think you brought me up in the OR and I had a good set and it was just so surreal. Tarantino comes out and he's like, "I wanna talk to the cool guy." And he points to me.

What?

And then we're just talking. Then all these other comedians come and he's holding court. He's talking about— Pam Grier and Jackie Brown, because he's just a fan. He's a fan of comedy, he's a fan of cinema. He just has this childlike exuberance to him. Yeah, so we're just talking and he's in the thing, and we ended up keeping it in. But it was so surreal. That was probably one of the bigger ones. Tarantino.

Yeah, I just remember even the wake of that night. He's here. Oh, when Jim Carrey was there, that was a crazy night.

Was that when they were trying to cast for I'm Dying Up Here?

Yes.

And, and that's how Santino got cast. And Eric Griffin. He saw, he saw them that day.

Yep. It's kind of crazy. Somebody could just see you and then something like that happens and they end up on— Yeah, there you go, dude. Yeah, those were great. If I ever— if Chris Rock has ever come in— I remember when Louis came in years ago and he was like in the hallway and he was wearing— it was like after like the, um, the Academy Awards or whatever, and he had on a, uh, suit and I was like, dang, Louis, that's so crazy. And it was like—

I saw Travolta one time in the parking lot.

Really, dude?

Just hanging with Tommy Lee, you know. Tommy Lee, I, I've seen him a few times. Yeah, so it's cool, but I've been accustomed to it, so I'm jaded with Tommy Lee. Uh, but, but every now and then Tommy Lee will like a reel of mine, and it's just so surreal.

Like, whoa, that's dope.

What world is this?

He and I were just texting the other day. He's doing real well, and it's like, so we were talking about our recovery programs. He's fucking off. What a life some people— or what a just interesting existence. But the highs and lows of it all too. Yeah, you know, Dre.

I saw Dre one time in the parking lot. You saw Dr. Dre? Who's the biggest you saw?

Uh, or you saw André Iguodala?

Yeah, that's, that's what I tell people. I saw Dre. They go, holy shit, Iguodala. I'm the only person who calls him Drake, other than his mom, maybe. I call him Dr. Drake just because I think he's a doctor of basketball.

Yeah.

Who's the biggest person you saw at the store?

I mean, John Mayer, when I would see him sometimes, that was always interesting because I've always like had such an esteem for his like word, like the way he does words, like, you know.

I saw him walking down one time because he would go to roast battle a lot.

Yeah, and he'd be like, him and Jeff Ross are close and stuff, and so I know I'd see him over there.

Oh, I ate shit in front of John Stamos one time.

Ooh, that would hurt.

Yeah, it was late at night. This is when I first got passed, so I'm getting super late spots at the Comedy Store, probably going up at 1:30 AM. I think Jeff Ross is hanging— so he comes with Jeff Ross sometimes. Jeff Ross and then Stamos, and maybe they tied one on. I think they had been like—

maybe they came home. Yeah, yeah.

So he's eating chicken fingers and it's his back, so I'm not even— I'm not even getting full Stamos. I'm getting back stamos. Ah, and then I would get this every now and then, and then back to the finger. I'm like, hey guys, oh, you ever notice this, bro?

That's crazy. Damn, at least he checked back in.

That is nice.

Sometimes they'll sit a blind guy to save money. They'll sit a blind guy by the side of the stage just facing away from the stage and shit. Like, sometimes they do that shit.

I'm like, point him towards you. Let me believe. Yeah, dude, let me believe he's checking me out.

Fuck, he's just sitting over here like a broken compass over here, dude. Um, I'm trying to think of who else that I saw there. Oh dude, I remember they said the guy— remember that show, uh, Family Matters? Yeah, remember the cop?

Oh, Winslow. Yeah, Carl Winslow.

Carl Winslow.

That's not his real name, right? That's his character name.

Carl Winslow. They said that his grandson, like his— Reginald Vel Johnson, they said his grandson was in the audience one time and people were like losing their shit. I'm like— and I was so nervous. I hadn't— I had like—

that's so funny, bro. I had not done this over the Family Matters cop being in the crowd.

His grandson.

Oh, his grandson.

And so— but it was like the first time I was in LA. Dude, fucking RVJ's grandson is in the crowd. At first I was like, who the fuck? Yeah, I couldn't figure out RVJ, you know. I thought it was just somebody who was dumb, who was like trying to talk about a politician or whatever. And then they're like, no, Reginald VelJohnson, dude, the cop from Family Matters, his grandson is here. And I was like, fuck, I'm going to fuck it. And I remember pacing backstage being so— just like, I just couldn't handle that there was like somebody who like knew somebody from TV that was in the fucking crowd. And I fucking blew it.

You go, oh no.

Oh, I bombed, dude. My favorite moment that ever happened, though, one of anyway, Spade telling me that he thought something was really funny one time was awesome. Um, but one time Damon Wayans was there.

Oh wow.

And senior. Yeah, from In Living Color. And I grew up—

same here, man.

Oh, just like he has this one, like, it's a laugh sound that he makes. It's like only he makes it, and it's not even a laugh, it's just like a, oh, oh, oh, something like that, dude. It sounds like a fucking A bird that's like semi-interested, right? Like a beautiful bird that's semi-interested. But, um, during my set, I heard him make that laugh that I had— I'd heard him use as a character from when I was a kid. And bro, it was just so— it was crazy to me. Like, at one thing I said, yeah, he laughed at— or he made that sound at it, and that was enough.

I was like, it's such validation. Yeah, because we grew up with these guys and they were everything to us, even just being on a show with Spade or just talking to Spade. That was my era of SNL. Spade, Sandler, Farley. That's why I got into stand-up comedy. Yeah, for real. I love that show so much, SNL. Everyone could make it on social media now. Everything's fractured so much. But back in the day, if you wanted to do anything in comedy, you had to touch SNL. Yeah, so that was everything. That was TikTok, that was Instagram, that was anything comedy was SNL. That was Mount Rushmore. And I go, I want to do this. I want to work in the space. How do you get on SNL? I fired up my modem. Yeah, yeah, I unspooled it like fucking dynamite to plug into the wall. Yeah, it was a controlled demolition to get on the internet.

And you applied to Boeing, right? You're like, I'll show them.

Well, pretty much though, because I researched. I go, how do people get on SNL? And I saw that they came from one of two camps. They came from improv comedy. So Second City, UCB, Groundlings, you know, yes anding, creating these scenes, or they were standup comedians like Kevin Nealon, Sandler, Schneider, Spade, Eddie Murphy. They were all standups. So then I researched all the improv schools like UCB and Second City. I'm some kid in Seattle. I'm like, what are these schools? Okay, they're all in LA, New York, Chicago. I'm not there. I can't do that. You have to pay money to do it. My parents already don't want me to be doing comedy. It's like clown college. They're already against it. I can't say I'm going to pay money to go to clown college. And then stand-up, I go, oh, I'll do that because I just got to show up and I get as much as I get out of it, or I get as much as I put into it. And I can count on me. I don't need improv partners. I can just— Yeah, yeah. You, you get everything as a stand-up. Whatever you put in, you get out.

If you have the aptitude for it. So that's why I got into stand-up, because I wanted to get on SNL. So it's so crazy to be at the store and then just talking to Spade.

I know.

I remember being a little kid sitting cross-legged watching the TV and thinking, Spade lived in a box. Spade lived in a magic box.

Yeah.

And now he's writing down notes before going on stage and then bringing me up in the OR. And it's not lost on me. It's, it's, it's crazy, this timeline that we're on.

Yeah, I know it's hard to— it's hard to like— it's such a— just a good reminder to think about. Yeah, like, um, just also that all the humor that's come before you, all the— or whatever line of work you're in, all the things that have come before you, like, like whether you're a mechanic and you're using like a new type of like wrench or some sort of new piece of equipment or something, like, people were mechanics for years doing that and got to that place. Or like some machine that makes your job easier or new way of doing it, or like, I don't know. Yeah, just you forget that like all these people have gone up over time on stage to try and say something or whatever, to try and feed— get somebody to feel something, or you— or them to feel something, or you to feel something. Yeah, I don't know if any of that makes sense.

Now that you're all part of this timeline, you're all part of this, and they happen to be a generation or so above, and then you don't know at the time when you're a kid, but then you do the same thing for long enough and then you become a part of that fabric And they were just people like you were at the beginning, but at a different phase of their becoming a butterfly or whatever it is. And what's mind-blowing too is these guys that I just thought were titans of comedy and could do no wrong and were blowing my mind, to learn as you get older that they were afraid of being fired week to week on SNL. To hear Spade talk about that, or Norm would talk about, oh yeah, we thought we were gonna get fired, or even Sandler, they thought about firing Sandler. You go, what?

Yeah, or Chris Farley.

I mean, yeah, yeah, just that any of them sat in that place, like that they were having self-doubt like that during what I thought was just the pinnacle and peak of comedy. I thought they were crushing it so hard and, and they were worried. That's mind-blowing. And then almost validating for the feelings you have, because I have that sometimes, and I go, oh, that's just a human experience. Sometimes you think that they're celebrities and everything's gravy because that's the packaging. That's what you portray. That gets jobs. But then everyone is having a human experience inside of it and it makes you feel less alone. Like, oh, okay. Even Spade and Sandler felt what I'm feeling right now.

Right. Even they were taking a breath. Like, what do I do next? Or what's gonna happen now?

Yeah.

You know?

Am I gonna get fired? Was that good? I hope people will like it.

Yeah, same exact 3 things. It's like, yeah, those are questions I've asked myself since I really joined the workforce at 14.

Really? What was your first job?

My first job, I sell hamsters. My— but my adult first job was working in, in Italian pizza. Ah, worked at pizza, worked in pizza for a while.

The name of it, huh?

You know, BJ's.

BJ's.

Yeah.

Wait, the chain.

No, it's a different BJ's. That's the crazy part. We were like an outlier BJ's, and it's supposed to— so it's supposed to serve for blackjacks, but people would get drunk in there and just start yelling blowjobs at us kids who were working the counter, right? And we'd make up fake orders for pizza deliveries, like Danny Glover wants a pizza, because our guy who delivered was a born-again Christian. He didn't watch television or any movies, so he didn't know any celebrities at all. So we'd make up like Danny Glover wants a pizza out on Old Military Road. So he'd go deliver that bitch while he was gone, just try— there's no way for him to fucking connect to this while he's gone. So for 30 minutes he's gone, we'd be deep frying fucking beer, dude. We would pour beer, deep fry it, fucking eat it. We'd get hammered, dude. And he'd come back and be like, couldn't find the address, you know.

Hmm. Oh well, oh well.

Um, but anyway, we're rambling. Um, um, here's an old lineup from The Comedy Store, uh Oh yeah, here's just a great lineup right here. Thank you. There's Fang Chow, Adam Ray, Argus Hamilton, Owen Smith, Jeff Ross, who is—

well, should we be giving— we maybe should black that out because she— it's a super famous person who doesn't use their real name. So let's maybe black that out when we— yeah, air it.

And if you black it out, and if you, if you, if you do black it out and, uh, want to put a name over it, you could put, um, Ali Wong. Who else we got? Rick Ingram, Andrew Santino, uh, you and me right there, bro. Dude, is there anything like kind of scary or funny or like just all of it whenever like you get to bring your— like, like when your set's over, it's kind of like a relief moment and then you get to bring somebody else up. It's like It's like getting out of the pool and drying off and knowing you peed in it.

Uh-huh.

You know?

Well, that's a skill you have to learn because not a lot of places do tag team like this. So when you first— when you get past there, you have to get used to it because most shows have an MC and you do your time and the MC comes up and then brings up the next person. This is all you go up, bring somebody else up, they bring the next person up. So you have to get in that mode of like, my set's over, now I've got to turn into host mode. It's like Agent Smith, like, all right, this next guy. You know, you do your last joke and you go, how's everybody doing? Fantastic. The show keeps getting better. And you don't know how to do that when you're young.

Yeah.

But then you've been there so long now, you finish a set, you're like, all right, this next guy is hilarious. You're gonna love him for He-Man War. And then it's just very cool to go up after each other.

Yeah. Yeah, dude, it is magic. And just to get to be in a place where you see other people and stuff like that, you know, where you see a lot of people and see what's going on. Yeah, it was like a place to be too at night. It was like, it was like, okay, I don't need to be at a nightclub. I never knew any of the nightclubs that were popping or any of that stuff. Yeah, because I just didn't know. It was like, I know that that's where I'll be.

And you know what's so weird? I know, like, the nightclub scene, I never went. And it's weird because I dance, so people think like, you must go to nightclubs all the time. Like, I don't. It's so weird being good at dancing and then hating going to a nightclub. I have a private relationship with dance. I want to, I want to dance in my room. I don't want to go to some like laser place.

Yeah.

And like dance. That's not fun for me. Yeah. I like dancing by myself.

Yeah. While some trans mailman's over there trying to fucking drop something in your drink, you know? He's like, oh, I got an overnight for you. You don't know.

Yeah. I mean, that looks like fun, but I don't want to do that. Yeah. Good for Jon Hamm, but that's not really my speed. Dude.

So I don't forget. How much, how great was it though? Michael Jackson, bro. Growing up during the Michael Jackson era.

Yeah, it took me a while to realize what song you were singing. I'm like, this is a Theo remix.

Me too, because I don't remember. I remember like a little bit of all of them though. It's like, that's going to kiss it out of my eye. Black or white.

Yeah, bro, when black or white came out, that was like early AI with the black is why it—

yeah, yeah, yeah, bro, that shit was so good, dude.

Remember those videos coming out too? It would be like a movie coming out, the world premiere of Black or White, sitting down from the TV. Wasn't Macaulay Culkin— he like got it going, like, yeah, yeah, bro.

Black or White, when did it premiere? Let's look at it. Michael Jackson biopic, Michael first reactions. That's Oh, that's coming out on April 22nd? Yeah, that just came out. Oh, it just came out. Did we do better than it at the movie theater this week? It wasn't for this week.

It says Busboys crushes. Got that thing memorized though.

Respect. We did best for like—

dude, I saw— congrats, man. I saw the—

put that out there to people, or is that kind of like put out like this is how much we did for the week or whatever?

I think just showing what it is and being like blessed, like I mean, it is really cool that the fans showed up like that.

Oh, we'll never make our money back.

No, I think you will on streaming and stuff, because that's pretty good. I read it was pretty good for an independent, like, per screen.

It was 4th highest of all movies last weekend per screen. Let's go, dude! I didn't even know that. Um, Michael Jackson's Black or White music video premiered November 14th, 1991, as a massive global event. Directed by John Landis, the 11-minute short film aired simultaneously in 27 to 69 countries with an estimated 500 million viewers, bro. Man, people forget that was when—

500.

We were all like— it felt like every— you could meet somebody from another language, even somebody that was in a coma, and you could at least— you both knew.

Yeah, you knew Michael. Yeah, you couldn't speak the language, but then you like grab your dick and he goes, oh, me too, me too, you, me. And then he would lean Yeah, you, you do. I love watching old Michael Jackson tour footage because it's just, it's just so fun to watch. And, uh, because he was the biggest thing on earth. And you'll see like European 35-year-old men fainting, like, yeah, Michael, Michael, you know, literally getting gurneyed out. Did this guy— this guy went by himself? He went with his bro? Like, I would have to get a new job or something.

His brother's waiting in the car, probably. Yeah. Like, yes, yeah, there it is right there.

Who's doing this to people today?

Nobody. Maybe Bieber.

Yeah, but, but I mean, not to this degree.

Not like—

no one's doing that. And look how old they are. Bieber is— they're younger. These are like 40-year-old— they have a family.

Yeah, this is someone—

this is someone's grandpa.

This is—

and he's just standing there. He's just standing there and they're fainting. Imagine paying all this money to go see Michael Jackson and he's standing like a statue and you wake up in the hospital. You spent all that money and they go, "Where's Michael?" They go, "Michael left. He's in Barcelona now." "I saw him remove his glasses and that's all I remember." "Well, he did all his songs and he glided." "I miss it." "Yeah, you miss it again." Every time? He's like, "I swear I won't faint this time." Yeah, he promises his whole family won't faint.

He wears something like, like a neck brace. Yeah, something just to keep his blood like in the—

like Clockwork Orange.

Yeah, yeah. He tapes his eyes open. He's like, not this time.

He has like 3 mortgages to pay for these Michael Jackson tickets that he always faints through.

Dude, God, Michael Jackson was a thing. And that was one thing at school that all the kids could do, like, yeah.

It was more about the dancing. Kids weren't trying to like out-Michael-sing each other. We weren't like, yeah, it was more about the moonwalk. Yeah, we didn't come to like recess like, yeah, dude, you had the moonwalk.

My shit was a little bit more like the Pluto fucking shuffle, boy. My shit was fucking— my shit had a limp and a little bit of swag in it. I gotta remember this story. I just heard this story actually today. It was just like a secondhand story. That one time Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson, they went out together, like just all— they were going out on the town, and, uh, Michael had a bunch of chicks with him. Michael Jackson had a bunch of chicks with him, and Tyson was like, hey, which one of these girls is with you, just so in case I'm flirting with one or whatever? And Michael Jackson told him, uh, they're all with me, get your own bitches. That's what he told him.

For real?

That's what I heard, and I really heard that. Wow. I heard that. I actually heard it today.

I just love hearing that story, like, through the filter of his voice. He goes like, "They're all with me. Get your own, bitches." And it's funny, they both kind of have similar falsetto voices.

Oh, yeah.

"Hey, Michael, how many of these can I— I don't want to step on any toes." "They're all my bitches. Get your own, Iron Mike." "That's uncalled for, Mike. That's uncalled for, Mike. Whatever, Mike." This is the battle of falsetto mics, bro.

You didn't even have to have any friends, I bet, when you were a kid, dude. You're just fucking doing your own thing.

Well, I get the idea, but I mean, I don't— I don't eat breakfast and I'm just like talking to myself in the— like, this is fun because we're just like riffing and shit, but I'm not eating Cheerios. I'm like, what if— what if instead of Cheerios I'm eating—

do you notice? So you like— so you— so your imagination must be pretty active. You probably have an active imagination. I think that's the same thing. Yeah. Do you notice there's things that kind of dim it, kind of? Or do you notice— have you ever noticed certain times in your life, or like kind of periods like that you've gone through, or even like things you've like— or activities, something you've engaged in over time, you're like, that's— I noticed that that takes away, like it kind of dims like my brain's ability. Or medication even. I'm just asking, just curious, because we never think about like what we do and how it affects our imagination.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm very personality and energy based. Like if I feel comfortable and safe, I can have fun and be, these ideas will come to me and I feel comfortable sharing them. But if I don't know someone as well, I just find it's happened enough times where I'm like kind of reserved and I go in and I'm not so forthcoming with ideas or whatever. I'm just kind of like in myself. So I have to have, 'cause I think at the end of the day, I am an introvert. Even though I do stand-up, so it's kind of weird if you're at a party and they're like, you're a stand-up? And I'm not really talking or anything. But in my mind, I'm like, I don't know you. You know? It's just, maybe some people have a stereotype of what a stand-up comedian is, where they're at a party and they're like, how much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. I'm him, I do, oh, got your nose. You know, I just kind of lay in the cut, 'cause I don't know anybody. And I'll latch on to whoever I know, but I'm not like a social butterfly and I'll observe and all that, but I can't have real fun unless I am accustomed to you and I know you and we have history.

Yeah, there's some comfortability.

Then my creativity can think— can come out. Um, so I've just noticed that. Yeah, so it's kind of like energy-based. Even doing Rogan, like, Rogan's so awesome. He's afforded me a career. Like, you have a career for me. So many of our peers owe so much to him. Like, I'm able to tour and like You make a living and stuff, and it's awesome. But I, I just, I don't know him as well as I know you, and that show is so big and stuff, and I feel like I can't be as me as, as I can with you, you know what I mean? Because yeah, he's also an elder. He's, uh, he's a few generations above me in stand-up, so I feel like I can't be as silly as maybe— but then you're a silly guy too.

Well, yeah, and I mean, Joe's probably, he's probably one generation ahead of us, and maybe that Yeah, but he likes information and he's like, wants to figure things out. Yeah, Joe's like a learner. Yeah, you know, like the rest of us are out here, the rest of us are most of the time out here kind of gooning around.

What about South American wasps? Yeah, what's your take on that?

But Joe's like a— he's generally like a curious dude. Like, he's like super curious, and he really is. And this guy, he remembers everything. That's got to be almost— I wonder if that's almost hectic sometimes.

To retain all that information. I'm so envious of guys like, like Rogan, who knows so much, or Dave Smith or Tim Dillon. They're so well-read and worldly too. And I'm like, it'd be funny if some guy fainted under Michael Jackson. It's just, I feel so dumb.

But it's just different, you know? Yeah, we need Joe to like— you need somebody that was just gonna interview everybody. Like, I'm gonna talk to every single person. I'm not gonna have too much say-so in it or anything, you know? Um, I always think he's done a pretty good job of staying unbiased about stuff. Like, and then sometimes he steps in when he feels like You know, he tries to like, like we all do, like say, this is really how I feel about something. Um, I was on a show a couple weeks ago and people were giving him a hard time online about him like not being supportive, like about antidepressants or something, or something. And, um, and people take a clip and make it like a big deal, but I didn't feel that way at all, like in our conversation, you know. Yeah, so sometimes it's so weird the things that people clip.

I think it's so big and it's so singular that people like adding their spin to whatever it is. You can take any clip and add text to it, and then you're funneling people's viewpoint into that. So much of what we do is just the clipped version of it. Yeah, people have so much agendas. I think that's what's great about the show is that it breathes for 3 hours and have all these different people, and then people kind of decide for themselves. But the whole clipping on X is kind of— that's like a game genie. It's cheating.

Yeah, it feels a little cheating sometimes. Yeah, but people were like, yeah, he's not supportive and stuff. And I've never felt anything. In fact, as I've gotten to know him better over the years, which is— which is, he's such a busy dude, I think. Like, imagine, like, I look at my phone, it's like my mom's texting me, you know. She's— she's like also sent me some emojis that aren't always most positive, and some of them I think means things that she doesn't even know they mean. So a couple of veggies she sent me, I'm like, this is—

yeah, eggplants, Mom, you should never be— don't tell me you're making eggplant. Yeah, just say eggplant.

Yeah, yeah, just make it, dude.

Just make it. Don't even bring it up.

Or she's just like that open mouth emoji all the time, and I'm like, what? Or the tongue out. She's like, it's kind of crazy. She's like, it's so hot today.

It's your fucking squirt squirt. It's so hot today. Squirt squirt.

So hot today, I'm gonna make a couple eggplants. And I'm like, dude, what are you— God, she's just— she loves gardening. So it's just like, you know, it's just navigating shit like that. But imagine you're Joe Rogan, you open your phone up. It's like Elon Musk has probably texted you, you know, like the— some guy, like some guy whose name you can't even read from like another country who wants to come on your podcast. They're like, beg, you know. And then your wife also wants stuff, your kids are asking. Just like, he's like a thoroughfare for humanity. For sure.

You know, he'll still text us back. It's crazy. Like, that's crazy. And then even to book his show, he's like, how does he— does it? I know he doesn't— I mean, not to call you out, I mean, you have a producer. I love you, but like, it's fine to get everybody else that's producers. Rogan is like, hey, how's, how's this day sound? I know, that's bananas.

Yeah, dude. But sometimes it's like we don't watch the whole episode and people don't know things.

Yeah, well, we live in a hot take society. We do.

It's kind of crazy.

Well, there's money in it, so there's money, there's attention, there's views. So yeah, you just have to pull back and try not to be so susceptible to it.

Like, as you get older, just realize, okay, Yeah, I think sometimes it's like, I don't know, but yeah, I felt— yeah, I mean, in that instance or with that specific thing with Joey, just felt like, man, I wish this isn't what I felt like happened, you know?

Yeah.

And yeah, and he's just— he's been super supportive. He always kind of checks in over the years. Like, he's gotten a little bit more real check-in or invite me out to dinner with his wife and his kids, like little things like that. It's like, well, I know it's hard. It's probably hard for him to even be around a lot people a lot, 'cause it's just a lot of energy you give out.

I remember we went to dinner in Austin one time. It was him, Tony, Lex Fridman. I'm trying to think who else.

I know, dude, yeah.

Who else? It was like a bizarre.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like, what is this life, you know? We're at some Italian restaurant, and then he changes the gravity of a room. He's so big, you forget. Again, it's one of those things of like, I see him at the Comedy Store all the time, and I just see him as a comedian. I know him as that. But then you enter the real world and you kind of see how everyone else reacts to the same person.

Yeah.

So we're just eating dinner and then this pasta would hit the table every now and then. And then we look up and there's like a 45-year-old woman just like throwing pasta to get his attention. She's like, "Hi." And he's like, "Yeah?" "Yeah, I just, you know, just want to say hello." And he's like, "Why don't you come downstairs and say hi like a normal person?" You're like, okay, I don't want to bother you. He's like, well, throwing pasta is way worse than just— I don't know what was going through the lady's head, but she was just throwing pasta on the table.

That's Italian emails, brother. That's all, that's all it is, bro.

This—

I'm in warm pasta at Joe Rogan's table. That's fucking crazy email. Um, but yeah, anyway, I think it— yeah, I think it's got to be— I don't know. Sometimes you think of what is it like to be him because he's an interesting guy.

There's a question I want to ask you. Can I do that?

Yeah, sure.

So, okay, we were doing one of the shows and then I don't know if you even heard it. You're on stage and then some random person was like, "Talk about Road Rules." Oh yeah. And to me it's just so absurd because you've done so much past beyond that.

Yeah.

You're kind of like, you're like, does anybody even remember that? How do you take it, that part of your life? And then what was that kind of fame? Because that was— MTV was huge. That's sort of like what TikTok is now, or being a streamer.

Like, good point. I never thought about it in a correlation, like what— that's what TikTok is now.

Yeah. Think about any young person, uh, who's famous. MTV was that for us. That was like the vessel.

Well, it's probably where Michael Jackson premiered on. I'm guessing that it's probably one of the networks that it premiered on, because I think MTV was semi-universal at the time.

Yeah, that was our TikTok pretty much. If you wanted anything young, it was that.

Yeah.

And I also had this thought too, like, young people today have it so nice that the entertainment they watch is made by young people. When we were growing up, we were watching like balding 30-year-olds try to be in high school on TV shows.

And some of them were probably touching the kids they were working with. Maybe, maybe. We don't know, but all the—

there's a pretty good chance that that was happening. But we were watching an approximation of youth. Yeah, you know, like, that's because that's all we had. We were watching Yo Mama. We were watching Wilmer Valderrama host different factions of Yo Mama groups.

Yeah. Now if you're 10, you can find a 10-year-old, like, or now if you're 20, you can find it. You can find, like, oh, somebody who speaks to you, right? That's a good point.

I never thought about that exactly, because even, um, like, I'm trying to think, like, yeah, MTV, it was like older people. It was people who were watching that were 12 or 13. It slanted younger. But you had to watch. I got— these are the youngest people I see on TV, but they happen to be 20 or 25. Like 90210, how old were they during shooting that?

They were probably 26-ish, I would bet.

Maybe like one of them was full-on like balding.

Yeah, that's a good point. And he was in high school.

I'm like, this isn't the teacher. They gave a teacher a backpack, bro.

Remember that? Yeah, those were the shows we would sit and watch us. Oh dude, 90210 was like like it was the show with— for my family. And then I'll get back and answer your question too, because I don't want you to think I was trying not to answer it. Um, it was— that was the show for my family where like we were all, uh, at it. Shannon Doherty, Jenny Garth, Tori Spelling, Brian Austin Green, Jason Priestley, Luke Perry, Ian Ziering, Gabrielle Carteris. Uh, 29 years old.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, some of them are young. Yeah, some of them make sense, but some of them are a stretch.

And this is when it started.

Too.

So by the end they were all mid-20s, right? But dude, yeah, that, like, that show was the show where, like, like, probably I'd watch with 3 of my siblings and we were all like 2 years apart, so we all had like different— like, one of us was watching, he was like cool about school, one because it was cool, this is at a high school, and one of us was watching because, like, you know, we hadn't gotten to hear about things that, like, older kids do or anything like that. And then, um, one of us was just watching to see, like, if there was any leg showing or anything like that, or a little bit of, uh, sexy time or something, you know. But yeah, dude, that was a fucking juggernaut. How many people watch that show, I wonder?

So many, I'm sure.

It was unbelievable. Luke Perry passed away a few years ago, didn't he? Yeah, and Shannon Doherty. Oh yeah, that show was wild, dude. Uh, yeah, for the Road Rules stuff, the crazy thing for me was sometimes I can't even remember it.

It's that long ago.

It's that long ago, I think. And I think I've just had like, you know, we get busier and like with comedy you're doing a lot of stuff, like you're performing in a lot of like, you know, you get up almost every night. And so, so I think that starts to take, you know, uh, that starts to take over a lot of space. Um, one thing that was, I think, in hindsight a blessing about that experience was that I kind of got to be like, you got a level of popularity there, but you didn't like with doing Road Rules, being on MTV, but you didn't have any money, right? So you had no— and you had no, uh, the only way you could get like any, like, kind of— you had to keep going back to them to— if you wanted something else, you know, you just had to be in their world. And, and part of it was a blessing and stuff like that. You got to do cool stuff. I'm not complaining. But, um, but, but one thing was I realized at that time that like there wasn't a— like, being popular was cool, but there wasn't like a ton of value to it.

Like, for years I kind of thought like, oh, is this cool thing? But then I was like, well, what is it for? Like, where does it really— you know, like, you know, I'd end up having long conversations with drunk dudes at a bar or something, or some fucking monster that corners you, and you're like trying to look over his shoulder for like— hopefully, hopefully some woman's giving you eye contact. You're sitting there just just stuck fucking inches away from some dude's non-deodorant, you know. But yeah, I think I realized that there wasn't a lot of— that fame had like— there wasn't a ton of value to it.

Well, especially monetarily, it wasn't there, right? So you just had fame, but you didn't have— you didn't really own your fans, kind of, right?

You're like, everybody like, oh, look at that motherfucker, damn, he's fucked up, you know. Or he's at the— you know, he'd be at the bus stop at school, just normal shit that's totally normal.

You're in college, so just gave you a bunch of conversations you didn't want to have to be in, or—

Yeah, well, like, maybe look at the values of popularity. Like, well, what value is this? Like, yeah, it's valuable to me in the sense of, like, if I'm going to be out and I'll— or if I want to get help getting into a nightclub or something. But I don't really have a voice for myself. I didn't really have, um, anything to show for it. You didn't make any money, so it was, um, you know, you had some fun experiences, but then you were also left with a lot of people who knew you, who you were, and no way to hide from it, you know. Like, I remember I was— even after that, I was sleeping on my buddy's floor for like probably a year, you know. Uh, so I don't know, it just— it almost felt like— I don't know, it just gave you a look at what popularity was and the values of it and the non-values of it, I think. So then, like, I started comedy, and then 10 years later I had this whole other experience, and most people don't even know about the first one, or they just didn't put it together.

I don't know what happened. Yeah, because I so rarely hear about it.

Such a deep cut.

Yeah, sometimes I wish I'd remember. Like, I think I was just at a young place. Like, I was just at a place where you're just energetic and frenetic and shit. You're just trying to get laid and trying to just jerk yourself off or whatever and tell— and lie to people, say you got laid or something.

Um, well, I guess now people— because you were glomming onto this other thing that was kind of bigger than the pieces who are part of that show, so it almost feels like you're renting that fame or you're just a part of the assembly line.

Yeah, I felt like I didn't have any— it didn't represent me. Like, none of them. And it felt like I didn't I mean, they can edit things the way they want, which are fine, but it's not my— I don't get to be the— I don't get to be the be-all end-all of me, right?

Yeah.

Like, I, I don't get to say exactly how this is, this is for me, right? Um, but I don't know, it was cool that I got this one thing. I think I'm almost kind of grateful to God about it is that I got this like trial run at what it was like to have some popularity. And so then whenever it happened again, I think I've been able to navigate it differently for myself.

Yeah.

Not always great, but I've definitely had a different perception of it and a different understanding of the potential values of it in some spaces.

Right.

Maybe. Does that make any sense?

No, it does. Because even people have an idea of what fame is, but there's like levels to it as well. And you think you want it. I think especially when you're young, just because the things that you want fame will unlock immediately. Yeah. But those are kind of primal once you get past it, you realize, okay, it's not as great. But it's great when you're 18 or 20.

Yeah, if you're just trying to be coming or whatever, getting meals or whatever. Yeah, it's—

yeah, coming and meals, it's great, you know. Coming or meals, fame is great for that. But like, why am I here? It's harder. If you want to bust and have like pad thai, it's— fame is awesome. You'll do those for free. But if you like, you know, what are these relationships? Are they built on lies? It's harder for that. Yeah, it's harder.

So I don't know. But, um, but yeah, sometimes we'll have to— next time we do an episode, we'll have to go down some of those roads, or even just roads of like shows that we used to watch and shit. Thinking about something that's fun. Um, so you started out in business, you worked at Boeing. What were you doing over there?

I was doing engineering, so I was doing stress analysis. At Long Beach. So the Boeing out in Long Beach, that's what I went to school for. I did mechanical engineering, and— but I knew I wanted to do stand-up when I was 18. I was very young, and, and then I just applied to jobs in SoCal, and then I got a job at Boeing in Long Beach.

So, and what is a mechanical engineer, just so people know?

There's different facets of it you can go into. You can do like HVAC, that's, that's an industry you can go into, just like heating and cooling. You can go into— some people work at Toyota or with cars. And then aerospace is a big employer of mechanical. Just think about anything mechanical. There's going to be mechanical engineers like Tesla, just, you know, anything mechanical. So then, yeah, I got my degree and then I knew I wanted to do stand-up. And as a stand-up back then, there was no internet really, I mean, or social media. You had to go to New York or LA. And then I'm like, ah, my parents are in Seattle. I kind of want to do entertainment as well, TV, movies. So I chose LA. So then I just applied to jobs in LA, and then I got a job at Boeing in Long Beach.

And you hadn't started doing stand-up yet?

No, I did. I was— the summer after I graduated high school, I was 18, and then I just started going to the comedy clubs in Seattle.

Did you see Adam Ray? Was he there?

He didn't start yet. Oh, so I think I met Adam.

Brian Moot?

Yeah, Moot was there. Jeff Dye actually started a few years after me, maybe like 2, 2 or 3 years after me. Um, so there was some funny people coming out of Seattle. Um, but Adam— Adam didn't, uh, I met him before, but he didn't start in the scene there. He started out here in LA. He went to USC, but he wasn't at the mics or anything like that.

Oh, got it. Adam Ray.

Yeah, Adam Ray. Um, yeah, so that's how I ended up in LA and working at Boeing. I was there for like 4 years and then I quit.

Was it cool over there? Like, is there like a nice space where you guys have like a lunch or like a community area?

It was so quintessential, like, office spacey. At least I was envious because tech was having this boom with Microsoft, Google. People are on Razor scooters jumping into ball pits and shit, you know what I mean? Like, tech looked so fun. And then that's great, it did.

But just to hear somebody say that, it just shows you how people are so different in different places where they grow up.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, nobody ever where I'm from has ever said tech looks so fun.

You're saying no one in in Louisiana said tech looks so fun to you?

I don't think so.

You were getting a lot of kids saying that?

No, it's okay though, but it's cool though. It's just cool how like places are different. Um, and did— was your parents like a lot of pressure? Do you have a lot of pressure?

Yeah.

What is your— what ethnicity— where are your parents from?

Afghanistan.

From Afghanistan?

Yeah, so they came here from there. And so yeah, there is that stereotype.

What is that stereotype? Like, is it a real stereotype? And is it just for Afghanistan, or is it for a lot of it.

It's immigrants, just like, uh, you know.

Oh, it's immigrants.

It's an immigrant thing. If you leave your country and you come to America, you don't want to hear your kid is hitting the mics. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, we evaded the Russians for you to try this new bit, you know? That's true. I'm like, you don't understand, this joke has legs. Just let me do it 3 times, and if it bombs, I won't do it anymore.

Yeah, Mom, it's about Waymos, dude.

It's about—

we just got Waymos in Nashville too. Yeah, and people are fucking— you can see people out there, they don't like them. Well, they're calling— I'm not saying they're out there yelling, you know, shit at it, right? They call them momos, or just, we don't like you momos, get the fuck out of here, or waggers. They're calling them waggers. I'm like, that's insane to be— what's happening?

You know, it doesn't even know a slur is being thrown at it. Is this trying to get it's people to where it's got to go.

Yeah, dude. Well, I saw you have— dude, this reminds me now, you had something on, you're like, the drive, the car started complaining, or it was having a bad day. Was that you saying that?

Oh yeah, it was like a Waymo. I forgot how it went. You know, it's funny, I mean, maybe I have it on my Instagram somewhere, but like, I think you had some tech guy on because my buddy hit me up because you mentioned me. Anytime you name check me, I've, you know, huge friends who are huge fans of the pod, and they're like, oh, Theo talked about you. And, and I saw the clip, and you were talking to some tech guy. He's like, you know, Fihimano. And he has no idea, and you're telling him the Waymo joke, and he's just like staring at you like paint drying. But you're just telling him my joke, and he's like, yeah, yeah, that's great.

Maybe it was Alexander Wang.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was it?

Uh-huh.

Oh, that's great, dude.

Oh yeah, maybe this is the one.

Yeah, let me see this, bro. This is fucking—

I forgot how it goes. I got to take one recently. I get in, there's no driver, and the Waymo goes This isn't my main thing. I rap. And it was quiet for a while. The ride was pretty quiet. And then out of nowhere, the Waymo went, we need to build a wall. It was like a MAGA Waymo, I guess. Then we hit a guy. We hit a person. Just flew over the car. And then the Waymo went, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, you got to help me. What do you mean I got to help you? It's like, you're a part of this now. How would I even help you? He's like, chop it up into smaller pieces, throw the parts in the back. I go, this has happened to Waymo? He goes, you have any coke? What? Waymo, you're a car. How do you even do coke? He's like, put it in my charge port. Oh, fuck yeah. Let's go in the car wash. Strip clubs for Waymos.

Strip clubs for Waymos.

Doing a screenplay for a Pixar movie about a Waymo.

Dude, that's great, bro. Everything you— but that's like, I feel like you do like a million of those every single time. It's just like, what about this? And it's like some new thing, man. It's always so novel. You're one of the people that when I see you, or like, it just makes me like, I don't know, it's just like, it's like the purest thing. It's like, this is something funny, let me see how it goes.

That's so cool that you like notice that or appreciate it, because that's honestly the whole reason I do stand-up is I think of something and I, I think it's funny and I want to share it. And I hope that people validate what I— this idea, like, does this idea work? Does it have legs? And when they do, it's the best feeling in the world. I— whenever I do stand-up, it's just, I hope you think this is funny too.

Mm-hmm.

Like, I don't need them to laugh or whatever, but I'm like, I thought this was novel. Do you guys find it novel? And there's just such joy in that. And when it works, I'm the happiest in the world, so I'm chasing that.

Yeah. Why is that, you think? What is it? I mean, obviously we want to make people happy. Like, it's fun to make somebody laugh or something like that. Like, there's something so perfect about it. I get it. It's like there was nothing here a moment ago and now, like, you're laughing or we're both laughing. Like, that shit's pretty dope, really.

For me, when I have a bit that, like, I know works, I get less of a rush because I know it works. I know the joke works. So it almost feels like there's a— it serves its purpose. Like, when you do the road and you're celebrating those bits that you got to that place. But if I'm just working out in town, I'm like, I already know, I already know the joke works. So it doesn't scratch the comic itch in me. But if I can get something that's mediocre or a brand new thought to work, that's when I get all the like dopamine and stuff. I'm like, what a rush. That's like catching a big wave for me. So I'm just, yeah.

As a mechanical engineer, do you think that because we've been talking about things that are black and white. We've been talking about Waymos, Michael Jackson. But yeah, in the spirit of continuing to talk about things that are black and white, do you think that we went to the moon?

I just caught it right now. Jesus, that's so funny. You just like kept on drilling down on it and I finally got the black or white thing.

Yeah. Do you think that we went to the moon? You're a mechanical engineer, dude.

Yeah.

And you left the business because you're like, oh, these— they don't— why did you leave?

I was finally doing well enough in comedy where I could. So that was the goal the whole time, but I mean, most of us had to double life it until you got to the point where the art was doing well enough to abandon ship.

Did you have a last day, do you remember?

Yeah, kind of. Oddly enough, I had booked this MTV show and they needed me for 3 months. And I didn't even want to leave. I didn't even want to quit. I just, I wanted to do a leave of absence because I planned on returning after shooting this MTV show. I'm like, yeah, I, you know, can I come back after 3 months? I have to take this leave. And they're like, no, you can't do that. You can't take that much time off. And then I read that you can only collect unemployment if they fire you. So then, yeah, so then I sent an email. I go, I will be leaving on this day and I plan on returning this day, just to let them know that I plan on returning. And then I just, I just left the office, you know. And then I wouldn't answer their calls or emails or anything. I was just waiting for them to terminate me, right?

Right, because then you can get unemployment.

Then I get unemployment. Yeah, yeah, I'm playing 4D chess, guys. There's levels to this thing. So enough time, I'm dodging them, I'm dodging them, then finally I get a voicemail like, well, okay, well, we've terminated you. I'm in my shitty apartment that you just saw where I'm dancing with JNCO jeans, and I'm like, yeah, yes!

Free at last!

Free at last!

You gotta fucking put on Amistad, the soundtrack, and just fucking put on your favorite, uh, ballet boots.

Um, so that's why I left. I, I finally was able to— it was still dicey though. Even, even though I left, I wasn't making tons of money or anything, but it was too big of an opportunity. I'm like, oh, this is an MTV show, I, I should do it. Disaster Date, of all things.

Oh, that show was—

you remember that?

No, I remember Eliminate. Remember that?

I remember that too. Remember Third Wheel? Remember the theme song for Eliminate? Eliminate. Yeah, they would have time cards. I think it was— was that Eliminate? Was he like, why don't you have a 30-minute timeout? Yeah, I'd be like, that bitch gave me a timeout, dude. And then she'd be with her man.

Yeah, the best one of them, whatever the one was, they had a dude who slipped off and did a bunch of fucking yay and came back.

Really?

Yeah, that He was bagged up when he came back, and that shit was the best, bro. And when they had like 3 or 4 people and they had to pick who to let go, and sometimes you'd be shocked— that was good. That was eliminated.

Oh, okay, okay.

When they had like 3 or 4 of them, or I think 4 or 3, and then each time they would let somebody go, and then they had to pick the last one or whatever.

Then there was one called Fifth Wheel that was on the bus or whatever.

And then did you get to be the datee?

So the premise of the show— oh my God. I'm so young.

Disaster date.

You're just— you would just be a terrible dater. So friends would set their friends up on the date and then they would see how long they could last on the date. And you're just acting wild. And however many minutes they last, they got a dollar a minute, which is like nothing. Why would anybody do this? So if they sat through—

we could just be Somalian and make millions, dude. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. So not worth it. Remember Jeff Keith was on it? Oh, I think I remember this. Yeah, it was like boiling points for dating.

I remember this. Was this with, uh, Sally, uh—

Yes, 495 Productions. And their big show was, uh, Jersey Shore.

Yes.

And this was the red-headed stepchild that nobody watched.

Got it.

Because Jersey Shore was like fucking huge.

Yeah.

And I remember there was a wrap party for— I did 2 seasons of this. Like, we did, um, a wrap party, 495, and Jersey Shore was there. and then we were there too, but like nobody gave a fuck. We were like the, the Temu show. So, um, disaster day. Snooki was there. Mike the Situation was there in the heyday.

Yeah.

Oh, so I have an old picture of like me and Snooki and me with the Situation, and he's doing this like very on brand. He's like, dude, he has aviators and he's like, and I'm like, bro, that shit's so great though.

Yeah. Um, what I was gonna ask you about— oh, do you think my— oh yeah, but on the engineer side, do you think we went to the moon? Like, does it— because a lot of comedians have a good sense, I think, sometimes of like bullshit, because they're making a lot of bullshit. So it's like they know, you know, how much is on the scale at times. What do you think happened, man?

I'm not as smart as people think I am just because of the title. I think we did. It's tough because like Yeah, I worked at Boeing and I was an engineer, but then people think that I'm way— I just did a bunch of school. I was good at these formulas and I did it, but I really don't know a ton of stuff. But I think we did. We did go there.

You did?

Well, look at the footage of the iPhone. That was kind of cool.

That just came out.

Yeah, the astronaut was in there. It was pretty cool.

Let's get us— yeah, let's take a peek at that. Who's the first wigger in space, do you think? Have they done it? Mm-hmm.

Like test their blood to see?

Yeah, no, no, just like, just like bona fide, send a real fucking Jason Williams up there, you know what I'm saying?

Just for science. Like, we want to see how their body reacts to space, so we're sending Jason Williams up. Yeah, and he's elbow passing to other astronauts. Dude, imagine the passes he could do in zero G's, bro. But that looks—

come on, if we get to unlock Jason Williams on the moon, that'd be so sick. That looks like a sperm going to an egg, kind of. That's true.

That is true, dude.

This is crazy. So that's a picture some guy just took on his iPhone.

One of the female astronauts took that.

Probably her man being like, where are you? And he's like, bullshit.

Yeah, she goes, space, I told you.

And then she sends that back.

Uh-huh, prove it. Yeah, it's a nightclub, I've been there.

Oh yeah, didn't— speaking of space and wigs and everything, that's a crazy statement.

That sounds like a Comics Unleashed segue. Speaking of wiggas in space, dude, that's so Byron Allen.

He'd be like, tell me about that. You're like, oh, sorry your mother died. What else is going on with you, Tommy? And it was just like, keep it moving.

There's an art to it. Congrats to Byron Allen. They get— they got that new time slot. So yeah, good for Comics Unleashed. They give a lot of, you know, screen time to younger comics and stuff, and more people establish one too. Yeah, they've done—

they've done a lot of that for people. Um, yeah, and since we're on the subject of space and Wiggas, let's— they just had a marriage proposal.

It's a gender reveal.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's the— yeah, this is a gender reveal. No matter what gender, that baby's gonna be mixed. That's just Wigganomics, homie.

What if they do an ultrasound and the baby's like He's just like his dad.

He's like pop, lock, and drop it.

He's sea walking in the womb, dude.

Yeah, they don't— wiggles was everything when I was a kid, man.

I mean, I feel like you used to be able to say it freely. Some people get tense about like, are you allowed to say wiggles? Is it still— can we— is it back?

Yeah, it's back.

It never left, dude.

Half the NBA.

I feel like they're Euro though. We used to have—

well, bring up a couple Euro wiggas if you can.

Is that the new term?

I guess it is. I mean, that's a great question. Who is kind of a Euro, uh, a Euro dub?

They're mostly Euro dubs.

You think?

We used to have homegrown dubs.

Yeah.

Now we have these foreigners.

Did they have a lot of dubs up there in, uh, Seattle? There's—

every middle school has some dubs. But they're not real dubs.

With all that rain up there, a lot of damp dubs, huh?

There's some damp dubs. You know what's funny? University I went to, UW, University of Washington.

Yeah, Dub Nation, dude. Panics, bro. Um, how could— if you're a wigger, how can you even get married? Like, you're already married to the streets.

I feel like it's a good point. Maybe it's like polyamory. Like, are you, are you open to an open relationship? It'll be you in the streets. Will you share me with the streets? Yeah, yeah, that's an open-minded gal.

Oh, I left the trenches to get you, and let's go back together.

Yeah.

Oh, I love that idea. It's almost like that movie with, um, Robin Williams.

Which one?

Uh, What Dreams May Come.

You say wet dreams?

Oh, fuck yeah.

What Dreams May Come.

Yeah, wet dreams may come, dude. Of course they may.

Yeah, dude.

Bro, there's nothing kind of shadier though in like— like, there's nothing kind of shadier when you get wet dreamed or whatever by God or whatever, because it's like, it's like sometimes you— like, if you— especially if you're going through a time period where you do not want to be ejaculating or whatever, right? And then God like wet dreams you or whatever, and you're like, oh damn, it's kind of a gift.

It's like, thank you.

Kind of, dude. Oh, we had one of our previous producers, this kid Riley Mao, he used to pray that God would touch him in his sleep so he'd be able to— because he didn't have any, he'd never ejaculated.

And, and would God answer?

Yeah, he said he would. I bet that shit was just damn—

like, you ever have it happen where you're like not at home and like, now this is tricky? That's not ideal. Like an away game, like you're sleeping somewhere away when you were a kid and like you were at somebody else's house, you're like, this No, now you're like Dexter.

I only—

how do I get rid of this? Or am I just crusty? Do I just have drywall?

I don't. I only come local, bro. That's me.

But you're— you have no control over your brain sometimes. It does it. You would never have it happen.

I don't think so. I wet the bed a lot of people's homes.

Hmm. I almost feel like that's more acceptable.

It kind of is, which is crazy.

And it's way more liquid. It's— yeah, yeah.

It's kind of crazy how if you wet the bed at somebody's house, so like, that's fine, let's help you you know, but you ejaculate in your sleep at somebody's house and they're like, oh, get out.

You go, I could have wet the bed.

Yeah, yeah. Damn, that's different, dude. What else we got? What's popping, guys? Some of the robots. I love that, uh, robot dog in the Atlanta apartment complex. Oh yeah, let's see that, dude. Yeah, especially since you worked in tech, bro. Let's— I want to get— let's get your viewpoint on some of this tech, dude. Oh, did you ever get to meet Bill Gates?

No. What if I was like, I was at Epstein Island and I got to meet him briefly. I was trying to ask him about Windows, but he said he had to get to a room. I thought that was odd. I was trying to troubleshoot my Dell, my Dell PC.

Did you ever hear rumors about him or anything? Like, what was he like?

No, I mean, I had no idea. I feel like a lot of those files, you're like, what? This person? Who would think that Bill Gates is doing— you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Did you have any idea?

Yeah, I think money, you know, gets so much power.

I can understand why these people— but like, nobody would throw a dart and think it would hit Bill Gates, that he would be involved in some of that. Yeah, when I was a kid in the '90s, this guy talking about Windows, think he's gonna be on Epstein Island.

And it's crazy to think how they are— like, they made everybody— oh, they're like, Michael Jackson is a pedophile or whatever, right? And he may or may not have been, we don't know. But there's also evidence out there that he was getting with a lot of women, right? Adult—

Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson will attest.

Here's Bill Gates right here. Let's see what happens.

Uh, this is— yeah, he jumped over a chair.

Why did he do it?

Just to show that he could do it. This is like impressive back in the '90s.

He's hitting on Connie Chung.

She's married to Maury Povich, right?

This fucking Chung jumper. Jump for Chung, dude. That'd be a good, uh, that'd be a good Asian Olympic thing, wouldn't it be? Jump for Chung, and it's a fundraiser, right, for the family. People jump as far as they can for Connie Chung.

I would— yeah, I would jump.

Jump for Chung.

How much money do you think we could raise for that, dude?

Um, have you seen some of this tech? Since you're the tech guy, dude, and since you worked there for so long—

I'm the resident expert, and I'm just— you just anointed me as the resident expert and I'm kind of dumb.

Let's take a gander at this, dude.

Now they got the fucking robot dog in the fucking hood patrolling the apartment. What the fuck type of AI shit is this? What the fuck? He look like he finna bite your ass. Excuse me.

Yo, hello.

Oh baby.

Hello, how are you?

Where are you at? I'm good.

There's a person on it. So what, what y'all got the robot dog in here for? To watch the people so they don't take—

so, um, sorry, so we're actually like the robotic security dog here. So what y'all got to tell us?

I think it's an alien.

Everything is being monitored and recorded.

Hi, hi, hi. A lot of Black folks, they didn't want you to say what's up to them, bro. Once they said hi, bro, everybody was chill, you know.

What if the robot dapped them up and stuff?

Oh shit, the robot's wearing like a couple chains and shit next week, dude. They're gonna fucking fix that thing up popping, bro. They're gonna get that thing in a little suit. It's gonna look like fucking LaVelle Crawford in a month. That bitch gonna be dope as hell, bro. They gonna get that thing popping, bro. It's gonna be beautiful. That's crazy. What do you think?

What?

Okay, I don't know if I could be a cop, man. I don't know if I could be—

I could be a dog, like a cop dog.

I want to be a dog that lives outdoors, though. The old school dogs, like when I was growing up, they had dogs that lived outdoors. And I remember the first time I ever saw a dog that lived indoors. I went to my buddy's house and a dog came around the corner, dude, and we were inside and I was like, whoa. And it was like a blonde dog. It was like Beautiful. It looked like Susan— Suzanne Somers, remember her?

Oh yeah. Oh, beautiful.

Yeah, I mean, just fucking beautiful. This thing came around and it lived inside, and I could not even believe it. I could— it blew my mind. I was like, you gotta be kidding me. But it was so beautiful, it deserved to live inside, right? Like, I'd seen a lot of dogs that hadn't had— missing teeth, missing fucking eyebrows or whatever, missing all kinds of shit, you know, just dogs that— we had a dog that couldn't go forward or whatever. That bitch was always— so he'd fucking— he was something with his shoulders. His front shoulders were, uh, um, calcified or whatever. And so he had a fucking— so we had to go backwards. It was like, damn, this motherfucker. But he would still get you, you know what I'm saying? So that would be crazy. At first you're like, this motherfucker ain't get me. But then, bro, 2 minutes later, he'd have you fucking cornered cornered somewhere, bro, with his asshole. He'd have you cornered with his dang asshole, and he's— you still hear his voice, but it's going the other way, bro. And that's the kind of shit I grew up around, bro. But yeah, what do you think, man?

You think you could be a dog? You think you could be a cop?

I don't— I don't know if I could be a cop.

If you were a dancing cop though, for him—

and well, now you've sweetened the deal. You, you buried the lead, man. Maybe that could be a way to recruit a lot of people who normally wouldn't be cops. You lead with dancing. Yeah, you might get some Broadway folk in there. You might get me.

Yeah.

Can I like twirl when I apprehend you?

Do you do whatever you want? I think if there's a cool way to hit the cuffs on them, you know?

Yeah.

Like what song you want to listen to while you get arrested, that sort of thing, you know?

Do they choose or do I get to choose?

I think you guys each get one.

It could be like Miranda Rights. You could choose whatever song you want played while I arrest you. Yeah. And they go to their Spotify and then while they're slammed against the car, it's like a Kendrick track. She's like, damn, it makes the experience better, right?

Yeah, it's just a mystical— keep bumping me against the wall, watch yourself, I came here with a knife in my hand, be cool.

What was his biggest song? Mystical? Did I do that? No, that was, that was Urkel.

Danger. Yeah, yeah, but Mystical, I think he sampled that in his song.

Yeah.

He was one of a kind, bro.

What, he was cousins with Master P?

Yeah, they was something. Black people love to be cousins, bro.

This is true.

I'm talking about they do.

Brothers as well, and sisters.

White people don't love it as much to be cousins. Black people—

that's a good point. Yeah, cousin is an umbrella term. Yeah, but I feel like even, uh, like Afghans will use cousin loosely.

Really?

Because sometimes there's a family friend that's so close that just saying friend doesn't quite describe it. And then cousin is almost like honorary cousin.

Yeah, that's fair. And your family changes as you get older. It's like people will come into your life and they really represent a lot, like something that's very meaningful, like a meaningful connection, you know? Yeah, so sometimes friend isn't really— doesn't really do it justice. And then sometimes those people kind of leave, you know?

Right, like if you grew up with someone from the age of 4 and you still know them I almost feel like they feel more like a cousin than just a friend.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's kind of cool. Tell them like you've been upgraded to cuz.

Yeah. They get like a text, an automatic text. Ding. Yeah. What was I going to ask? What is this about?

Oh yeah.

I'm going to play the weed thing. No, I—

Mother said she found it in your closet.

I don't know, one of the guys must have—

Must have what? Look, Dad, it's not—

Where did you get it?

Dad, answer me!

Who taught you how to do this stuff?

You, all right? I learned it by watching you.

Parents who use drugs have children who use drugs. And to think, years later, our own country would be forcing us into drug use, you know, and profiting off of it. Like, just kind of crazy.

Yeah, it's got to be in a pill form though. It's kind of— you gotta bottle it up.

But dude, that was crazy. That was hard-hitting.

Yeah, back in the day.

Or when they had the thing at your high school, remember when they had the, uh, Don't Die Like This? And it'd be like, if they got like— they always did it around Halloween because they had extra like blood in the area or whatever, and they would that somebody like hanging out of a burning car, and they'd set the back of the car on fire, and it would all happen like out on the football field. You have to go watch it.

Yeah, just sort of like a Scared Straight. Yes, they would make an accident scene and be like, this could be you. It's kind of gruesome. Yeah, we should probably shouldn't have been seeing that that young.

Of course, dead people, like, it was crazy. And then they'd always hide a bag of coke on a kid or something, let that drug dog go find it, and then people like, oh shit, William got coke on And then for the rest of his life, he'll be like, damn, William got coke on him, bro.

Just to make an example out of a kid even though he never did it. Just ruin his life. Like, you don't want to be like Daniel, huh?

I know, Daniel got that bae.

It's so sad watching these videos because our childhood is in 360p. That was 2 pixels. I know, that was just 2 blocks. It's so sad. If you're, if you're dating a younger chick or whatever, you go, oh, check out these highlights of Shawn Kemp dunking. And it's 360p. It's so grainy. I know our childhood isn't in high def like these, these kids today, but it was clear to us back then.

That's what's crazy, bro.

I feel like it was just hard to get the fidelity of— it didn't look this bad back then, did it?

It had to have. What do you think happened?

VHS isn't great, but I feel like it's better than—

I think broadcast TV is a higher resolution and they can't— they couldn't translate it to digital.

Yeah.

Um, your new special is coming out, uh, Intrusive Thoughts.

Intrusive Thoughts, yeah.

This is your third special?

It's my fourth, I think. Okay, that's my fourth special. Yeah.

Damn.

Well, I'm at the point now where you kind of tour for a year and then you got to hang the painting somewhere. You kind of get it tight from city to city and then you gotta— I'm done with these jokes. Yeah, you got to film it and then put it out there and then move on. So it's less about putting a special out and like, I'm huge. That used to be the thing back in the day.

Yeah, it made you feel some type of way. Now it's like almost just like, uh, like closing the diary.

It's a picture. It's a stand-up picture. This was me for the past year when I was on tour. Here are the jokes. Because everything's so clip-based. Because everything is— sorry, can I like fix this? I'm like garbling.

Yeah, dude, you're fine. Also, everybody's retarded.

Thank you, thank you.

The fact you've put together like 11 sentences is way better than than most of us in the world are doing, dude.

'Cause everything is so clip-based, and that's great, but it's nice to show that you can do a cohesive 45 to an hour. It's sort of the difference between breaking a vase into a million pieces, but I'd like to see the whole vase. This is what I was doing on the road, here it is, and hopefully people like it. I want them to watch it, but now I get to move on, and that's kind of nice. You just dump all those jokes from your head, and then— Who am I now? And let's talk about that.

Yeah, dude. Intrusive Thoughts. That's awesome. And where can people watch it right now? It's going to be on YouTube.

Yeah, it'll be on my YouTube channel.

And will people be able to pay there for it too?

If they want, you know, but honestly, just a Super Thanks, a thumbs up, comment, share it with a friend. I just want people to see it. That'd be the best.

Awesome, dude. Yeah. Send me a few. Send me a clip that you really like or something that you want. If there's someone that I can help reshare or something, or if there's some stuff on TikTok, let me know.

Okay, yeah, definitely.

Don't— you will let me— will you let me know?

Yeah, I'll let you know. Yeah. Um, and thanks for being so supportive, man, like taking me on the road, having me on this pod to get the word out on the special. It means a lot to me, man.

Oh, thanks, dude. I appreciate it, man. Um, I had one other question I want to ask you. Like, I feel like in my lifetime, like, a lot of people that are from the Middle East have gotten like a bad rap, like, in— or they've gotten negative negatively, possibly negatively, like branded by, um, media? Kind of when I say that, does that— because you always hear stuff like, um, you know, these people are jihadists, or these people are like— even the term Muslim to some people makes it seem like that, that person is like a person with a bomb, or like, um, do you think that that's a real thing that's happened? Um, And then, uh, and then what can you say like about like people from that? Like, do you think people from some of those areas like hate America? Or like, maybe you don't have to go that far, but just like, can you take me— if I say that kind of stuff, does it make you think anything?

I mean, you're not far off in terms of the branding of Muslims over the past couple years, especially post-9/11. You felt it if you were that.

Yeah, y'all took the L for that, huh?

Yeah, for a while.

Did y'all do it?

I think we took the L inadvertently, just Muslims in America.

But did you guys do it, do you think? Or— but did—

sorry, that'd be funny. Just this whole podcast is leading up to, did you do 9/11? I'm like, yo, you know me, you brought me up on the store, you know I didn't do 9/11, Theo.

You're right, my bad, dude.

This has just been like a honey trap the whole time just to get to this.

Yeah, sorry dude, I gave Candace— that was my like remote control, she's got me today. No, no, but do you— but do you— yeah, what is that like? Like, just like even having any— like, your parents are from like the Middle East, right? Your parents are from Afghanistan.

Yeah.

What is it like? What is that like? I don't know.

You know what it's like? It's kind of—

I mean, I had this joke about it because how can we change if it's not true? Like, if some of that's like— I don't know. I feel like it's not. I don't know.

I think it is changing with the internet and social media. You can't paint people with these broad strokes that you used to back in the day because there was only certain channels that you can get information from, and it could be controlled very easily, and people would just buy into a narrative that, like, be scared of Muslims, be scared of Latinos, be scared of— but then there's TikTok, and there's all these— there's so much information now that people can form their own opinions. But yeah, it was dicey for a while because every time there was a, you know, post-9/11, the temperature was— if you happen to be that, you felt it. You know, when I would fly, I would be secondary search. And I grew up with Boy Meets World and TGIF. I'm just as American. I watched Saved by the Bell. But you just happen to look a certain way, or— and there's nothing you could do about it. I always say it's— I used to have this joke where it's being a minority is kind of like having an away jersey you can never take off. That's kind of what it feels like, because I'm sure people, Americans, you know, white Americans have been to— say you're a Rams fan and then you go to, I don't know who their rival is.

Probably Seahawks.

All right, yeah, then you go to a Seahawks game in your Rams jersey, you're gonna get some flack, but you're still you, you're still Doug, you're a nice guy, you're Doug from accounting, and they're spitting on you and you go, "Nah, I just happen to be wearing this Rams— I can't take it off, it's bolted on." It should be a Saw movie. Just, you can't take the Rams jersey off at your rival team and they just beat the shit out of you. Yeah, so you're just a human and a pure soul and all that, but you happen to have this coding that gets taken a certain way. So I don't know, maybe, maybe that's how I perceive it.

Yeah, yeah, I think I'm just curious about that sometimes. And then, yeah, did them— does it feel like the media like made it like these people are bad people, kind of?

It's definitely a tool. I think it's leverage for some agenda sometimes, but I don't automatically just knee-jerk go to—

go to that. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

I think people are generally pretty nice people. And but yeah, for sure.

Yeah, I'm just kind of curious because sometimes you just like, you start to think like, I think you look back at the world like your lifetime, you're like, what things are like, did we land on the moon? What things really happened? I think a lot of people are in like a serious— the most space I've ever seen in my life like people are coming up to me in like movie theaters and shit and fucking like asking me about shit about fucking, uh, Nepal or like, um, Tibet or whatever. It's like, what?

Well, we all have to be experts now. It's crazy. There's just so much information, and then we're learning we've been lied to in so many instances. And then you go— if you'll go down a rabbit hole, right?

It's like, if this, then if that's—

then what? And then you keep on— you hear, you see this tweet, you see this video, you see this TikTok and then the Epstein stuff is still going, and then, uh, Albird's going AI, and then, uh, this shorting the stock and all that stuff was going on, these time, these time things with the stock market. Uh, your brain gets overloaded. There's so much. How can I know? You get paralyzed.

But yeah, and then you try to calm down, and then you fucking— it's hard to get away from, from the intrusive thoughts, dude.

It's true, man. Well, full circle.

Full circle. Um, Fahim, dude, thanks so much, bro. Uh, yeah, I hope you just continue to obviously do what you were obviously built to do, bro. There's nobody that does it like you. And, um, yeah, I hope people love the new special, Intrusive Thoughts, and we'll make sure to share stuff about it. And yeah, just thanks for your patience, dude. I appreciate it.

Oh, of course, man. Yeah, anytime. Thank you for having me.

I'm glad we got to do it. This is fun, dude. Sorry if I talked about too much serious stuff.

No, not at all.

You know, Just trying to be alive for sure, doing our best, you know. Yeah, while they let us, bro. BLM, dude.