Transcript of #659 - Ari Matti

If your business communications are basically a burner phone and a prayer, you know, I'm talking about missed calls, texts that nobody answered, customers following up for the third and fourth time, well, then obviously things are a mess. And at some point you just, you hit that wall and you're like, all right, I'm done with this. Let's fucking QWO. Today's episode is brought to you by QWO, Q-U-O, the business communication system built so you never miss a call. You're in Your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number, so no more missed messages or dropped conversations, or somebody's handing it off to this person and they're not receiving it. Everyone sees the full thread, replies are faster, and customers actually feel taken care of. Money is on the line. Always say hello with QWO. Try QWO for free, plus get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to QWO.com/Theo. That's QWO.com/Theo. Theo. Let's fog in quo. We got a little remodel of some merch on the site. It's our Be Good to Yourself tees, and we got them now. We redid them in a scribble style that I think is, uh, I don't know, I like it.

It's a, it's a, it's fresh. It's something new. I think that you'll like it as well. If you want to go check that out, you can. Um, those, it's new colorways of them as well and, and everything. We got it all at theovonstore.com. And, uh, and, and thank you for your support. Hey guys, just want to let you know, uh, this episode is kind of— it's a little more of a raunchy-ish conversation, more raunchier, and, um, it's great, uh, but it was deemed 18 and over by some platforms. Uh, just want to let you know that in case you're riding in the, uh, car with your kids or something like that. Um, hope everybody's having a great day. Enjoy the episode. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian Uh, some people call him the Estonian Assassin because he's from a country called Estonia. You may have seen him on Kill Tony. He's touring all over the country right now. I'm grateful to spend time with Mr. Ari Matti.

You guys don't do headphones, do you?

No, I don't care about it. Do you?

I don't know.

Joe does it. You did Rogan's.

If it's like, if the other guy has it, then I gotta—

but the headphones?

Yeah, yeah.

If one guy's wearing it, it's like being— yeah, it's like being in a threesome and you're the guy that doesn't put on— another guy puts a condom on.

Yeah, it's true. You know what I'm saying?

Like, if at that point you're like, oh, okay, then yeah, you know, it's kind of like— I feel like that sort of energy, dude.

Yeah.

Ari Maddy, good to see you, bro.

Good to see you.

Thank you, bro.

Fuck yeah, let's get it, dude. Good to see you, my friend.

Good to see you, man. Yeah. How was your weekend in Nashville? You were just performing here this week. What was it like? Did you get out to Broadway? What was some of your take of the place?

I've been to Broadway the past times I've been to Nashville. It's basically— it's very similar to Austin, but yeah, I did just St. East this time. It was awesome. I didn't really go to Broadway. I stayed I stayed away from it.

But you've seen it before, right?

I mean, it's a spectacle for sure. It's for sure a spectacle to watch people. Last time I was on Broadway, I stepped into a puddle that— you know when you don't know the depth of a puddle?

Oh yeah.

It's like almost up to my knee. I fell into the sea, and then I had to continue my night with a wet foot. And when you're 34 years old and you get a little air conditioning with a wet foot, I know I'm gonna get sick.

Oh yeah.

And then I was like sick for 2 weeks.

Oh yeah. And that's some real— I mean, some— you'll see a puddle out there and you'll see a damn somebody fishing in it, you know. People—

when I was 19, I could jump into a fucking fountain and then get out and just party on, no issue. Now if my toe is wet, it's gonna be a big— I could, I could die. I could get pneumonia and fucking die, dude.

It is, bro. Shit, when you're—

oh, it's crazy. Yeah. I literally, like, I had one of my first one of these that I slipped and I fell and I thought it's over. Like the pain that went through my lower back, my ass. I literally thought it's broken. Like, call the hospital. When I was, when I was 17, I was like 15. I had a, I had a skateboard and I held on to the back of a bus, you know, like for a ride.

Like in Back to the Future type of thing.

Yeah. Like in Tony Hawk Pro Skater, you know? Yes. And then in typical bus driver form, he sped up trying to lose me and kill me. And I went like face first into a pavement wall and nothing happened. You just stand up. Now a badly timed sidewalk could kill me, bro. I'm such a bitch. It's crazy. I literally got out of bed too fast like a year ago and my hip popped, dude. I can still feel it when it's cold. I still feel it.

Yeah, brother, I feel you. And some of that stuff is just— and you don't know how to explain it to people, and you don't, you don't want to explain it because it just weakens you. It's like, weakens— if, if the part of you that breaks all the time hears you speak about it, you can—

it's not good.

It's not, because I never address it. No.

Yeah, I've just been with a blown-up hip, and in a cold morning, that hurts like that.

Oh brother, it's the littlest things you don't even realize. It's like, I— when I was younger, I would just jump in the air. Now, now I have to go down a little, look up. Yeah. And then jump.

If you want me to jump on something, give me 15 minutes. You know, I need rubber bands, I need exercises, I need to warm up. It's crazy, dude. Yeah, yeah.

I need to interview a flat earther. I need to have—

and then, and then, you know, when you watch like, you know, we watch like video— have you seen these Cranium videos now?

No.

It's like a thing where they like— it's like a guy, he like goes into your mouth and he like releases childhood trauma, and then people cry on a table. And I'm like, Am I— do I need to get my cranium released?

What is it called? Can you bring this up?

I have a cranium release. Cranial face, like all my feed right now.

This is craniofacial, uh, face facial release and cranial craniosacral.

I saw one video, it was a black guy, they released his cranial, he became white. It's crazy. Like everything in your life can be released with the cranium.

It's a lot of trauma, dude, in the culture.

There's a lot of trauma in the culture, bro.

That's crazy. They release you when you're fucking a woman, like tits just pop out out of you or something.

Yeah, you get a bigger cock, you grow taller. Yeah, it's funny when you find out stuff that it's like, I haven't seen this, bring this up.

I just want to—

huge.

And who's doing it? It's probably a mid— is it a Middle Easterner trying to do it to somebody?

See? Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, oh yeah, they put like a balloon up your nose and it comes out of your mouth. It's all crazy.

And it's part of the Harlem Globetrotters. What is it? Oh yeah, this is so fun, bro. First of all, go back 10 seconds. Just seeing a Middle Eastern guy with a skull. Yeah, it's just— it's too much.

I know, I know, I know, I know. And now this lady's straight. She was a lesbian before and now she's straight. Everything in your life can be fixed by cranial. Yeah.

Oh God. Yeah, it's always like this. It's kind of like a tightly— it's like a Persian in like fitted figs or whatever, and they're just explaining to you like how it will save you. And what do they do? They put it in. Is there another video?

Yeah, I see this guy, he puts a fucking thumb in his mouth and he sucks on it.

Oh, well then he— that's trauma. Then he needs the cranial.

Oh, look at this guy.

Oh, I've seen this. I know, I know.

This is the thing.

Cranial for my cranial sacral and nervous system reset. It— you can reset it. This guy's just blowing.

No, no, I think he's pushing like under. Okay, I went too deep. Are you— you feel better?

Oh, I feel like calling somebody a faggot, but I think— but not me though.

Not me.

But yeah, so I don't think this is good for me.

There's always like new trends where you find out that this is what's wrong with your life, that you haven't had— your cranial is all fucked up.

Yeah. Okay, here we got a guy, they got a honky laid out here.

So 3 different openings on each side of the nose. So we're gonna do left lower. This is gonna be a little cold. It's gonna be a little weird. I feel a little weird. No shit, it's a little weird. He blows it up. It literally swells up your brain.

This is crazy.

I don't like any doctor that just has 3 diplomas and a word of mouth, you know?

Yeah, dude. Yeah, a word of snout. This guy is fucking— and you can't see at home, they've just put a balloon into this guy's head and then they Yeah, blew it up. Blew it up with air.

He just blew up. Did you hear that?

And now he's smiling.

In reality, now he's straight.

And now he's straight. There you go, dude. Well, they had that praying the gay out of children. Remember, that was a big thing.

Not for us, but big in America.

In America.

Pray the gay away. Pray the gay away.

Yeah.

And it's always the gayest guy telling you to pray. And it's funny that they send you to a camp filled with 40 dudes and deep in the woods with no contact to the outside world. Seems like a great place They even tell you, even God shut his eyes for this one. Don't worry, the next 2 weeks we are free in the river, brother.

Free at last, brother! Well, gays, you know, I grew up around it. Have you ever seen a rest area in America?

Like a pit, like a rest stop? That's where you suck, suck, suck, suck.

It was a big thing. And they shut it down for a while. They started putting like glyphosate in the backyard there and stuff like that. They tried to shut it down.

But you don't stop gay people from fucking, dude.

I'm like, it'll kill weeds, but it's not, you know what I'm saying? It's not stopping, you know, it's not stopping some of these sexual trends. Um, but they had a lot of gays in our area. They would meet up behind there for sure, and they would— they had a river back there, and they'd get out, they'd do drugs and get out in the river and hug and everything.

Gay people love to fuck in a bush. Like, it's—

it's— why?

I don't know. Yeah, it's like at a hotel, it's okay now. But it's like, when I went to— I used to live in Vancouver. When I moved there, literally first night when I moved there, I went for a walk in Stanley Park. It's the local park next to the city.

Oh, I've been there. It's beautiful. Oh, oh, goes along the— right on the— along the water.

Like, you become a werewolf there. It's like so nice and quiet. First time I was there, I, uh, I got a little high. I was deep in the woods thinking of my own things, and it's like so quiet and serene. And then I'm like, uh, I'm like, I take my shirt off, it's like sunny, I got some sun on my— I got a little on time, going to do a little push-ups and a little shadow boxing. I'm alone in the woods.

Okay, of course, it was natural.

Yeah, it was natural. You do a little push-ups.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like a deleted scene from the Bible, I feel like. But let's hear more. I want to hear more about it.

Deleted scene from the Bible.

They said, bro, if you and me made deleted scenes from the Bible—

now that's funny. Deleted scenes from the Bible is a funny concept. It's—

anyway, uh, I interrupt you. You go.

I'm doing a little push-ups. I'm getting a little glisten going. Then I see a guy, like, walking past. And it's— when guys trying to fuck, it's a look they have. It's just the way they move. It's like he's walking one way, but he's looking at me like this. He's got his sunglasses on, but he's peeking over the sunglasses. Right, right.

So everything he's doing, he's doing something separate. Like, he's walking one way but looking another way. He's got sunglasses on, but he's got them down and looking over.

So he's establishing contact. First contact.

Yes, sir. Yes, he is.

He keeps walking. I keep boxing.

Mm-hmm. Now you're boxing harder.

Yeah, I'm trying to be like, look at this shit. You don't want none of this. Yeah. And then 5 minutes go by. He comes out of another bush. Like, I hear like a crack and I'm like, now he's closer. Oh, so now I take my music out because I need all my senses.

This is—

this might be an ambush. There might be several of them. This is like a room of mirrors. Like, which is the real guy trying to fuck me, dude?

Oh, that's crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. So I need all my senses.

That'd be a cool game show.

So I'm trying to get sober. I throw some water on my face. I need to be sharp. I put my backpack on. I'm about to— I have to fuck my way out of this forest.

You fix your hip really quick.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I start warming up. So then he comes, hey, man. And I try to give him a hey, man, but not a hey, man, not a friendly one. I give him a hey, man. Like a little—

Right. Like, what are we doing here?

Yeah. Hey man.

Hey man.

He goes, you want a beer? I go, nah, I don't want a beer. Yeah. Then I realized, oh, oh, he's out here. And then he disappears. I change location. Different guy. Like another one. Backpack. He's looking like he's been in the woods for days looking for dick.

Wow.

And he walked— and this new guy, he walked—

like, where's dick though? Yeah, like, kind of like Where's Waldo, but a little different. Like, where's Dick now?

And he walks past, same look, just a full eye contact. And now I see there's a cock hanging from— he's got it out. He's got it out. Oh, maybe he heard. Yeah, maybe like down at the base, like that was the messenger. Yeah, yeah, we got one.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's kind of on me. I mean, I'm— I'm a little like a gay superhero. I know, it's kind of on me, by the way.

Yeah, you're like a piece of bait in the woods. You have set your shadowboxing, which shadowboxing is— but here's what it gives. I think it gives this idea, oh, I wish somebody else were here with me.

Exactly. Oh, the shadow. I need someone to be the shadow, right?

So then the guy just paints himself black and it starts— that's like laying connected to your feet.

Then I see his cock. Now I'm kind of— and both, by the way, you know what I was offended? Both those guys looked like absolute ass. Like 50 years old. I'm a beautiful angel. I'm like 26 years old at my prime. Yes, I'm doing shadowboxing. Yeah, even if I fuck you, the others would never believe you. Like, dude, I would be like a myth that they talk about in the gay circle for years. There's this blue-eyed— yeah, yeah, if you stay in Stanley Park long enough, an angel will appear.

So, god dang, bro.

And I'm like, and it's funny, it's my first time being like kind of like sexually assaulted, I would say. And it's funny, it kind of put things into perspective for me as well, how like it's not—

Tell it.

It's not that I can't beat the fuck out of you. I'm not in danger. I don't feel threatened like a woman with a bigger man would in that situation.

Right.

But the fact you're like showing me your cock makes me feel like a bitch. Hmm.

You know, it's like, let me think about it for a second. Like, if I've ever seen somebody's cock, like, how did I feel about it?

And he was like shaking. He was like giving a little shake and like looking straight into my eyes. Give me a little shake.

Oh, I didn't know all that. That's a lot. That's like almost—

Come on, boy. Okay.

Wow. You know, that's like a dog treat or something.

I know.

So that I could understand. You feel like, like, oh, like you're being summoned or something. Maybe like a—

and the cock, the cock he had, it looked like it's been through a hole. Like, oh, I don't know. His last partner was a train or like heavy.

His last partner was a long winter. That's pretty wild, brother.

So he keeps— and I literally don't know what to say. I act like it's none of my biz.

What do you mean? How do you act like someone's cock isn't any of your business? I know how you do, because that's what we do all the time.

It's us in the woods. I don't even— I'm never So I keep walking like fast and I look over. Now I'm getting like nervous. They're circling me.

Who are they? I don't know. Are you sure?

I'm alone. There's no reception in Stanley Park. The woods are high. The, the sun doesn't even— the trees are so high, the sun doesn't even reach. We're down in the— if I even— if I yell help, it's over.

And now is this Palantír doing this? Like, who do you think is doing this?

This is an organization. And I'm high. I try to find my way out and I— oh my God, I stumble on this tree stump. You know, like a tree stump.

Oh yeah, for sure. I've seen them.

80 to a 160 amount of condoms, like on the floor. Just this mass of used up condoms.

Oh, like the Wailing Wall or whatever.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe this is the stump, you know, Jews kissed the wall, the rock or whatever.

Yeah, but it's more like gay Jews. This is their stump, you know, where they hump, where they hump the stump kind of or something.

And I'm trying to find a trail the way out. Just before I get to the trail after the stump, my heart is racing. I'm now like, what the fuck is happening? Like, how did I find this deep in the woods? And then I see in the bush the two guys, the one guy with the glasses, the beer guy, and then the other guy with the cock, the wiener guy. I see them in the distance. Mm-hmm.

Doing what, blow jobbing?

I wish this was our job. This wasn't the job. This was holding hair. Oh God. Oh God.

Like dick slavery or whatever.

This was slavery.

God, brother.

And the guy banging the other guy's mouth, he like makes eye contact.

The chef, they call that guy.

Yes, the chef.

Okay.

And he's cooking up a meal.

Okay, it's just— okay, keep going. Sorry, some of the sounds are making some— I don't want the neighbors knocking, dude, because, you know, it's like— no, but go on.

And he makes eye contact with me.

Why do they keep doing that?

I know, it's crazy. He's like, you want some?

Ah.

So I turn around, I find a road, and then I see like another guy on the trail, and I'm already giving him a weird like like, stay away from him. Then I realized, and then I saw his family. It's just a German guy looking for— and I wanted to tell him like, oh, I'm truly going— nein, don't go there. Yeah, yeah. And then I get out of the woods, and then I— then of course immediately I go on Reddit and Facebook groups. That's the suck and fuck stump. Ah, I was literally like, have you seen The Gray with Liam Neeson? Have you seen The Gray?

The Gray?

Well, remember where he fights the wolves?

I haven't seen it. I've seen the advertisement for it, but I didn't fall for it yet.

But I want to. It's like a movie where he fights wolves because they keep attacking him. And then at the end of the movie, you find out the whole time he's been trying to escape the wolves. See, this is me. Look, with the gay guy. Look, look, look, look. This is me with the gay man.

God.

Yeah. He's trying to escape the wolves. But then at the end of the movie, he goes to the nest of the wolves, which they're most protective. That's how I felt. Like I—

Like you were in the swarm. It's almost like you had somehow found your way through the honeycomb to the queen bee.

Yeah. And then for a year, if I did stand-up, I always talked about that experience. And whenever I said, First time I came to Vancouver, I went to Stanley Park and everyone already laughs because they know it's a suck and fuck bush.

And it's called Stanley Park? Well, it's crazy because they have one in Pittsburgh called Schenley Park and they fuck there too. And there was— there used to be rumors of like different quarterbacks for the, uh, Steelers going up there and doing, uh, male-on-male sexual. And then they had, um— but bring up— yeah, can we get a Reddit or like a Google review? Let's go to Google review of Stanley Park and just get her Go down that privately and see if you get any— if people are reporting, um, you know, kind of gay activities over there.

Reporting gay activities?

Well, it used to be like, like to go— and I'm sorry you went through that. And when I was a kid, across that river, so where the rest area was, across from that they had a lot of men, like kind of straight men or people that worked in like constru— like semi-straight people that worked like mechanics, you know, mechanics assistant or construction or something. They would, uh, they have one of those like those slingshot things, the big ones, and they would shoot potatoes across because I grew up on the other side of the river across from the rest area. Okay, so we'd get out there when we're kids with binoculars and watch like the guys do dope and then hug in the water.

And hug in the water.

Yeah, I mean, it really was like a deleted scene from the Bible, dude. That's another one we have now. So it was like, uh, but some of the adult men would fire a potato if they got too close. They'd fire a tot over at them. To get them to separate, you know. So it's like this crazy shit that went on. But I think it is interesting when you get around the woods and when you get back to nature, like how sexuality is really close right there.

For sure. Yeah. And it's also like there's for sure the thrill of like, like I have a gay friend of mine, he's like older and he says they, he says, oh yeah, there's all kinds of underground suck and fuck clubs and they fuck in the bush.

Oh my.

It's because, you know, Men want to be a little perverted, but we have to— when we bang women, we have to— we have to— they're angels, you know, so we have to like—

that's a good point.

But if there's two guys, we want to make it—

oh yeah, it's like, I want to throw you halfway through a window.

I want to fuck your mouth in the bush, you know. That's what I want to do. And guess what? He wants to do that too.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Oh, here's a note. Somebody right here said, I masturbate in Stanley Park and I'm sorry. Anyone who stumbled into me doing that, but I don't do it in front of people. I am not a sex offender. So this is somebody just clearing the air.

Do you see how rough that nose looked? Oh shit, dude.

Yeah, uh, it says historically Stanton Park has served as a gay cruising location with secluded trails near the Lost Lagoon and forest areas. You could have been in the Lost Lagoon, my brother.

I know, I was very lost.

But I, I could see this also. You were in the park for a couple days and it could change your sexuality. I could— do you feel like something like that could happen? Like, nature's just such a ground where something different can happen. The woods is always like a mysterious, mysterious, mysterious place. Like even when you were a kid and you would go there, it was just like, you know what I'm saying? That's where like anything— there were monsters, there was corn hidden. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was like— I smoked my first cigarette in the bush. It all happened from there. Piece of alcohol in the bush. It's always like there's a treehouse, first kisses.

There's people living in— some guys just living there and you're like, this guy?

Yeah, living in the woods.

Yeah, there's just a lot that happens there. And I think there always has been. It's a very mysterious place. And I think gay people used to not be able to just be gay. Now—

Exactly. So that's the— that's like, I guess it's like a— it's like a throwback to them of like, yeah, when times were not simpler but different, more exhilarating, I guess.

Oh, for sure, dude. I think being gay now would seem very—

I mean, it's boring now.

I agree.

My neighbor says he's gay, I'm like, yeah, I'm straight. I'm, I'm tall. Yeah, who gives a fuck?

Yeah, you're, you're gay. Yeah, we're, yeah, we're an 11, you know.

But like, I'm from Like, oh my God, like that friend I was talking about who I ask all these gay questions. I have like one gay confidant.

Okay.

I ask him all kinds of gay stuff.

Here in the US?

No, he's Estonian and he doesn't get offended. I can ask him whatever I want.

Okay. And you're from Estonia. I want to ask you about that. I want to get into that. But before you go on, so—

He's like in his 50s, you know?

Okay. So he's an adult. He's a fully active adult.

So he grew up— like if you grow up gay in San Francisco, How hard is it to come out of the closet in San— their parents are probably— you probably get a benefit.

You probably get a support group.

You have all these friends. Your parents are happy.

Yeah. You get like a special Meta login or something.

Yeah. You start stand-up, you get a Netflix deal within a year, you get a podcast.

That is true.

I know.

You get a podcast given to you and suddenly you're on the charts no matter what.

Yeah. Who was the famous transition, the athlete who went— now it's a she.

Prefontaine or whatever?

No, no, no, it's the famous family.

Caitlyn Jenner.

Caitlyn Jenner.

Yes, Caitlyn Jenner.

So for her, multimillionaire coming out of the closet immediately on Forbes or Time's Image Woman of the Year. It's like, for her transitioning— I mean, transitioning for a millionaire in Hollywood, how hard can it be?

Right.

Now imagine being gay during like the Soviet Union. You have to suck cock in the shadows like a secret agent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.

Now that's exhilarating.

Double O slurping, dude. That's got to be crazy.

Like, gay in San Francisco is one thing. That's not homosexual in the '80s Soviet Union, 1980s. Now that's— he sucked dick risking his life. Now he loves cock.

I don't know if he loves it, but he loves— he either loves cock or he likes mysteries that end in cock. You know what I'm saying?

I guess so.

Dude, imagine that, bro. Like, imagine, first of all, you find out you're gay, because I don't even know how people find out. Like, I don't know if you get like a thing in the mail or whatever, because it's like some people I think would never even know. Like, if you're like— maybe if you're uneducated, you think you just like watching your buddy's ass, you know, trying to peek it. I mean, I don't even know what some people think. But yes, dude, a long time ago, and you're like, oh my God, and you cannot let anybody know.

Nobody. And then imagine Imagine what you've been— you've been like in the closet, closet. This is in the closet. This is a bank vault.

Yeah, you're being very deep in the closet. You're in the hamper.

And he told me, he told me, I was like, so when did you— and he's like, man, I always knew it, but I hid it so deep in me, you know. And he was like drug addict, drinking. He was even like, um, he told me when he was younger he was kind of violent against women because, you know, you hate yourself. And when you hate yourself you hate the world around you, you know.

He probably didn't even know it either.

No, he said he knew, but he never explored it. And then he said he was like, maybe like 25 or something. I think it was something like that. He goes to a party in Finland. Finland is a ferry ride right across from Estonia, and it's not the Soviet Union, so it's a bit more, you know, and also nobody knows you there.

Oh, it's a bit more kind of like nouveau riche or risqué.

And he was in a nightclub and he took a ferry there.

So even a ferry ride, that will stimulate the ocean. Yeah, the ocean within.

And you're abroad. Nobody knows me here. And he said he was in like a bar and he said a guy looked at him in a way that no one has ever looked at him. And he knows that look. And they just suck and fuck for like 3 days in a hotel room. Oh my God.

I thought the story was going to be a lot. I thought it was going to be a bigger moment between that part.

They just went to the hotel and that was his first, like, experience. No. You know, and he talks to this guy and this guy's, yeah, it's fine. Like, this is like, you're a person. It's fine.

Yeah. You're Finnish.

Yeah. You're Finnish. Yeah. Finnish on me.

Yeah. Yeah.

And then he went back to Estonia, had to hide it for a little while. So it's like those gay guys, when I look at like a 50-plus-year-old gay man, to be gay in the '80s, you had to fight for your right to suck dick. That's a gay man. Heroes. Yeah, that's a hero. That's—

yeah, you know, that's the Navy.

Yeah, that's literally— you're right. Yeah, yeah, you've grown up in the Marines.

Yeah. And sorry, the Marines might take offense. I think the Navy will be okay if we say that. And no offense if anybody is being gay or not, or in the Marines or whatever. But yeah, dude, I talk about that actually. I just taped my special the other day and I have a bit about that. I mean, everybody has a bit about a lot of these things.

But yeah, dude, and with Caitlyn too, you know, it's She's like an icon in America. We had a trans bass player in a band. It was all chicks in a band, famous Estonian band. And one guy, the bass player, was a guy, but he always wore like skirts and shit.

Okay.

And then eventually he transitioned.

So like women's paraphernalia or whatever? Skirts, brassieres?

Mm-hmm. Brassieres. And then he transitioned like early 2000s. And in Estonia at that time, we were all like, we don't even know what the to go to an Estonian doctor who usually gives you a little, like, paracetamol when you have a headache.

Yeah. Like, these are— yeah, people can't even do this in Estonia.

Exactly. So to get a sex change and to tell a doctor, shove half of it off, the other half you just, like, cut half of it out, shove the other half in, build me a pussy, build me a Soviet pussy.

Oh, yeah.

And they were like, I remember he was even in the news. She. She was even in the— I mean, at that time, I mean, a Soviet pussy, dude.

Yes, bro. That's the name of the musical we're going to write. Okay, that's the name of the musical.

And there was like a news article that she was in the grocery store in Estonia.

And so this originally was a man and then he transitioned. Yeah. Okay. Then she was in the store and she was in—

there was a news article. She was in the grocery store and some guys are drunk and they're yelling fuck and shit, you know. And you know what she did? Took the heels off and went fucking factory settings and just started beating them.

Yeah.

That's— now that's someone who stands up for gay rights. Yeah, you know. Yeah, if you're a millionaire, you go to a private clinic, you know, that's easy. That's an easy turn. You're a hero.

Yeah, and those rich people, they'll even get like a, um, a pretty pussy. Yeah, or a weekend cock, you know, just give me something I can put on for the weekend. Yeah, you know, they'll get something with earrings on it. It's like, this is unreal. I'm talking about the freaking day-to-day blue-collar The Glasgow, Scotland pussy.

Yeah, exactly.

Good day, sir.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, the vagina that even like if you look at it, if you look at it 2 times, at least one of those times it still kind of looks like a cock.

For sure. Yeah, yeah, you just—

yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Like it's just doing its best.

Yeah.

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Is it a place?

It's a place in Michigan, but I didn't know that. Kalamazoo, right? It sounds like—

yeah, that sounds like, um, like a candy. Yes, it sounds like a candy that pops in your mouth.

Yes, the Kalamazoo. And, uh, and I— but then I was in an airport one time, I was probably 16 years old, I'm in the airport and I saw Kalamazoo and I was like, no way, it's a real place. Never had an idea. So Estonia seems like a place that almost seems like something out of I guess it's Game of Thrones or something. Yes, do we get that? But it gets confusing because I can't— if somebody said describe Estonia, I'd have no idea what it is. How to spend a weekend in Tallinn. Is that the capital?

Yeah.

Wow.

It's like Kalamazoo is like my Subway, you know? You know the sandwich shop Subway? Yes. We had one Subway in Estonia when I was like 16. I went there every day and I thought, so cool of a family restaurant, name it Subway because the sandwich looks like a Subway. I did my birthday there. And then I went for like a trip to Sweden and I saw another Subway. Broke my fucking heart. Oh, I thought this was like a family restaurant. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, dude, it's beautiful. I mean, just picturing somebody doing their birthday there in a Subway. Yeah, it's beautiful, dude. Yeah. And I'll say this too. I dated a girl that worked at a Subway and I remember I'd go in there and she'd hug me with— she'd have those hand covers on and she would hug me when she had them on.

Like, did she smell after her shift? She smelled like Subway, I bet.

Oh, beautiful. The Asiago. When they came out with that Asiago bread, people didn't know what to do.

I used to bang a girl from McDonald's. She smelled—

that's different.

She quit McDonald's. Like, she, she had been quit— she hadn't been working there for 6 months.

What, the sex was so good she quit McDonald's? You're telling me? That's insane, bro. Are you kidding?

What? And I would go to her place a year— 6 months later, her apartment still smelled like the fries, you know?

Yeah, there's something, bro, that was such a mystery, dude. Like, it is like at certain ages when you're still going over to strangers' homes for sex. Yeah, that's a crazy experience, especially if they live with a lot of other people, or you don't know who they live with, or there's an animal there. You have to like first defend yourself against the animal. You have to like placate the animal. You have to get down close to it, lie in its ears, tell it lies. And so, you know what I'm saying? It's like you have to get past the wizard.

You always know if it's a whore if the dog is too friendly. It's like giving you water like you're doing a podcast. Just you wait here. They'll let you know when she's ready.

Yeah, that's, you know, it's like, take a number out of one of those little machines.

Yeah, if the dog attacks you, that's, that's, that's how you know.

That's a good sign, bro. You're right, dude. That's great, dude. One time I went into a—

if he brings you, if he brings you the condom You know, in his mouth.

Yeah.

Like, oh, fuck. Yeah.

And if he can take it off for you. That's insane, dude.

Yeah.

And bro, dude, one time I went on this thing called Semester at Sea. So it's like a floating school that's on a campus. It's a floating college.

Floating college.

Yeah. Bring it up. What? Semester at Sea. My friend got me on this. It was for, like, fancy people, right? And they're—

Oh my God, this is such a— If my daughter ever said, I'm going to a semester at sea. Oh my God. I mean, this is a suck and fuck boat.

I mean, I think—

My sweet baby angel is stuck at sea. No, look, even a helicopter can't access you. Holy fuck. This is worse than Taken.

Now, brother, there's a lot of education.

I'd rather send my daughter to France.

Oh yeah.

This is worse than Taken.

Well, in France they'll fuck her, but softly, you know, it's like very— they can't even really get the job done. But, uh, but no, we went on this and, um, and I got a job. I worked in the bookstore and my college, like, all my college stuff applied to it. So in the end it wasn't very expensive. And like, I got like, you know, different like little loans you can get. Like, um, they had these like Fannie Mae loans or something. Anyway, so I was able to go on this thing, but we went to— what was something we were just talking about? You remember it?

Uh, we were talking about— oh, going to a stranger's place to suck an fuck. You're on a boat, you're working, you met a girl maybe.

Yeah, I was on—

uh, I met a guy.

No, I never met a man. I'm never meeting a man.

Yeah, I'm so straight, I'm never meeting a man.

Well, I would meet a man for like dinner or something if it's a friend, or like— but I'm not—

when the sun goes down, you gotta go.

Well, I'm just like, I think being gay probably 1,000 years ago, or even 100 years ago, probably seem way more exciting. Like, even if you were just a brave-ass dude that loved, like, Carmen Sandiego or Encyclopedia Brown or any of those type of, um, you know, those books, like those mystery books, you might be like, oh, I'll be gay just because it's fucking— you want to play hide-and-go-seek against the best.

You ever did some, like, gay shit when you were young, but you didn't know it's gay? It's just like boys exploring themselves or something. Did you do anything like that?

I wouldn't say I did anything like that.

I did something where me and my cousin, we would go to an abandoned, you know, like a construction site when it's abandoned. It has that, uh, what's the place where they, like the container where the construction guys, they do coffee, they take a nap? Oh yes, container.

Yes, it's like a little, like a, it's like a little trailer.

A trailer, yeah, yeah. Like, and it was like an abandoned trailer, and me and my cousin would go there and we would like give each other massages, and the price was like candy, a piece of candy, like 1 minute was one piece of candy, and we give each other these back massages. And it was like— and then one time I remember we put our dicks into like a bottle. We like shared a bottle.

How big of a bottle are we saying?

Now I wish I could say Nestlé with the big one. It was a little— it was, you know.

Oh wow.

Yeah. So we were like exploring.

How did you put them both into the top of the—

no, not the same thing. It's like we—

oh, separate bottles?

No, same bottle, but we shared it.

Oh, one person then the other?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, very interesting. And then one time we were giving each other these back massages. I had my shirt off, I was on the floor, and my friend was giving me this back massage. Okay, then we're gonna fuck the bottle, you know, it's like a regular Tuesday. And, uh, like, oh yeah, this—

first of all, this is also the Estonian Olympics.

Like a security, and then a security guy or a construction worker, somebody walked in, you know what he did? He just ran out. Because I get it from his perspective, he can't go to his boss and be like, I saw these 3 boys. It was me and 2 boys in the trailer.

He's getting fired.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he just ran off.

Well, now that you shared, then I'll say something. So, um, yeah, there was like a thing where like, um, I mean, I remember a couple things, I guess, because I never had a father. So I guess like, right, nobody ever taught me about sex or anything.

So my stepdad tried to talk to me about sex. He was literally showing me videos on like a laptop. It was like an erotic movie where you don't see penetration but you see it from the shadow. I was 17 years old. I was like, you think that's cool? Let me— I showed him.

Yeah, yeah.

Have you seen Mr. Horse? My stepdad was like, yo, this is out there? I was like, yeah, dude. So yeah, my sex talk was so late. So it was just me in the fucking trailer at 9 years old trying to figure out, oh, what are all these emotions?

Oh dude, I remember one time, yeah, like my buddy and I, he was over at my birthday party or whatever, and he was like, you had your birthday party and then like like 2 friends got to stay overnight, right? So there was the— everybody came to the party and you had to pretend like everybody was leaving, but then 2 friends got to stay overnight for your birthday. And one friend was like a little bit older and he was kind of thick, this little kind of thick kid. And he was like, all right, let's all take our shirts off and then let's like— and then he, he told— he said like you could read each other's ribs, like, you know, your ribs, like they had like— it was almost like hieroglyphics. Like you rub your hand along the other person's ribs, you could get like a message out of Does it make almost like, you know, those bumps that they do for people that are fucked up?

Yeah, uh, Braille. Braille.

Braille. So he said your body holds Braille in it, and if you put your hands like along somebody's ribs, you can— you'll get a message, right?

And so we're real hard Braille for you right now. You can read this when you're blind, deaf, and mute, dude. I got a good Braille for you down here, dude.

Dude, no, no. So we had us, bro, so we had us like— there was like 3 of us under this like blanket or something, and we're all just sitting there. We didn't have our shirts on, and we're just like all trying to— trying to read each other's ribs, dude, you know? And then like whoever seemed like the kind of gayest kid would like get a message or something, or it was just like— but this one kid was kind of facilitating it, and he'd probably seen something erotic, or he'd had like—

exactly—

different thoughts or something, cuz your—

cuz your synapses are firing of pleasure and reproductive and testosterone. But you— it's a lot of information, but you can't translate it, right? Like, I remember when I was like 7 years or something old, it was a Christmas party.

Oh, do tell.

It was a Christmas party.

Fair, fair play, lad.

And my—

and was it snowing out?

Lots of snow. Oh, so we need to be here tucked in.

Yes, sir.

And I remember there was a loser. Yes, we do. And there was this cousin, she was like in her 30s, maybe. Ginormous titties. Oh, I didn't know that titties are the secret to life, but I know that something is there, you know. It's like there's sexuality is already— it's— you just don't know what to do with the information. Something about these titties are making me feel in a way, and I don't know, you don't— it's not— it's like innocent. It's not I have an iPad to Google, right? It's just this mystery feeling. And I would sit in her lap and I would put my head, like my back of my neck between my cousin's titties, and I would like squeeze them and I would feel—

oh, just feel the pressure of two tits against the back of your head.

It feels amazing. That's good. And all my cousins are laughing because they know, they know, so it's funny to them, right?

They see this kid just—

I know, this little pervert, this little horn dog, right?

It's just horn dog. You're just this— it's almost like an electrical wire on the street that's just rattling.

And I noticed the more I bring her this— she was drinking this red liquid, it was wine— and the more I would bring the wine, the more titty access I could get.

Oh, do tell.

Because she got a little crazier and crazier, and they started laughing more. And I kept going to the kitchen, a little Bill Cosby Jr. I was putting the juice, and I kept bringing her more wine, my dear. And you know what's crazy? She gets so fucked up, she like takes a nap on the couch.

Okay. Do you want to stop this story here?

No, no, no, no. Okay, that's good. And I really want to squeeze the titties, but in my 7-year-old brain, something said no, right? Something said no, right?

The titties are closed.

And I felt bad about it, like that I even thought of it. So I went in my room and I felt bad. That's how I know I can never rape Even as a 7-year-old boy, there's something in your body that goes, this— now that she's sleeping, this is weird, right?

Right. If two people are playing the game, exactly, then we can have the game.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, dude. Yeah, let me think.

Oh, then it takes so many, you know, and after that it takes so many years for even to find out about sex, pussy, and all that.

Yeah.

But it's funny when you're a little pervert boy and you're just all these emotions and all these— oh, you don't know what to do with them.

Oh yeah, well, we had this one fellow bus named Roy, I think his name was, or he said it was. And he would like— he used a hair dryer or whatever, so he was kind of— he was leaning towards being gay. And because children didn't use hair dryers, we just didn't even know about it. And he knew about it. He would always have his with him. If you were even just hanging out with him in a room, he'd fucking plug it in.

My mom would say he's like a kid who loves a sunny day.

Yeah, yeah. But one time But he did get— I remember he got, uh, he's like, dude, if you take a piece, like a piece of tape, right? And you put one piece on the end, the top of your wiener, like tape it to the top of your wiener, and you put the other piece of the tape on the top of his wiener. And I remember him like getting us to do stuff like that and stuff, or like play Navy or whatever, like just different shit that was just in hindsight, in hindsight, because then you're just standing there and now there's like this little brick. You don't realize it's a bridge. It's a bridge. You don't realize that though.

It's a bridge, right?

Because you think, oh, it's just some tape on my wiener, some tape on their wiener.

It's like a Ouija board. Like, we're opening up the spirits. Yes, a portal.

Yeah, yeah, that's a portal, dude.

That's a portal.

So I think there's stuff like that when kids are young and they don't know. Um, one time I found my buddy's kids. I just walked in. I was like, I'd live with this family, they're, they're pretty much like family to me. I'd walked in and two of the young kids are in the bed naked together. Yeah, but I think it's just kids, like, they don't know what to do. My friend Scott would come over and we would like go on a date with our pillows, like in the room or whatever. And just like shit like that.

My mom like had boyfriends. I do think that being open to your children about sexuality, I don't— I think at these times, especially with the internet, all this keeping it innocent is actually worse. And keep, you know, sometimes kids get really traumatized if the parents make it really traumatic. Because if you do something like explore your body or some of this weird shit and your dad walks in and starts yelling and beating the shit out of everybody, that's actually really bad. It's hard to raise. Okay, I have a friend, he's got a beautiful daughter, and I had to babysit for this little girl. She was like maybe 6 or 7. First time in my life I've ever been together with a small girl. And I got so nervous immediately, you know, because it's like, it's not even my daughter, it's my friend's daughter. They went to the city to do something, and I've already hung out with her, so—

Right, but when you're the— oh dude, first time I had to watch my niece, I was like, what the heck?

I never thought about that. It's actually, I can't leave you alone because I'll be downstairs watching TV and you're up there fucking jumping off a balcony, and now I gotta explain to my friend You know, so, so I'm nervous, you know. So she— and then the mother starts telling me all these things she can't do. No peanuts. She literally— she's gonna explode into a— that. And then I gotta think about, wait, what has peanuts in them? Does Snickers— oh, Snickers. Oh, I got Snickers. But I gotta— now I'm starting to—

right now you're hiding stuff or covering things up, taping down a Snickers.

Yeah, yeah. Then I'm like, oh, where's a loose knife? I start baby-proofing the place, basically, you know.

So, and you happen to bring 4 loose knives, which was crazy.

Exactly. Yeah. Oh, I guess I gotta hide the knives. I guess one doing throwing knives. So then she goes, no peanuts, blah blah blah blah. Oh, and then she goes, no watching, uh, what's that series that girls love? Degrassi. Degrassi.

Degrassi High. Yeah, that show is now on— it's on in Estonia.

Well, that time it was.

Oh wow. And girl, bring up Degrassi, dude. Is this the original?

It's the original.

Wow, bro, I forgot about this.

And people— and little girls I would love this shit, but it's got a lot of like sexual stuff in it. It's a certain age where you're ready for this show.

Got it.

She was not ready. So the mom tells me, no Degrassi, you know, you can watch Frozen, you know. And then she goes, no, no candy because her sugar— because it's like late at night and when we're picking her up, we need to put her to bed. If you give her sugar now, it's all— you're fucked.

Right.

All these rules. And then they go, oh, and watch out that she likes to climb stuff. They noticed that in my In my apartment, I had the staircase that goes up like this, you know, it's not circular.

Like a winding staircase.

Winding staircase. And it's got the railing.

Like in Castlevania or Transylvania.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm a vampire. And they go, oh, don't let her ride the railing. It's like, you know, don't let her climb it. You know, they already see the danger, you know. So they're giving me this, don't do it. No jelly beans, no fucking da grazie. No peanuts. No. Oh, fuck. Jeez, this is way more than I expected. And they leave.

Takes the fun out of it too.

I know.

Part of the fun of watching someone's kid is seeing what happens if you don't know what's going on.

And then me and this angel, we're like hanging out on the couch. I mean, we're watching Frozen. She's already seen it. I've seen it. And then like an hour in, I'm like, yeah, I want to be the cool uncle. Jellybean City. I get the jellybean. I fuck it.

Right. Or you smoke on the porch, let her watch you through the glass. That kind of shit. Yeah.

I get Jelly Beans up in this bitch. I put Degrassi on, she's jumping up and down. We're watching Degrassi, she's running around having fun. Let's go! And I'm like, and I tell her, I make her pinky swear, don't tell nothing. You don't say nothing. And she's like, okay. And we run around Jelly Bean City, Degrassi's on full blast. We're listening to fucking, what's that, Glorilla?

NBA Youngboy, yeah.

We're listening to crazy shit.

I mean, nah, baby, when you got it, I don't, yeah.

And then she goes, let's ride on the railing. And I'm like, fuck your parents, we're taking a ride.

Yeah.

So I go first, I come down fast. She's like, oh my God, it's my turn, my turn. I'm like, okay. She gets up there and I'm at the bottom. And because it's— I'm trying to see where she can fall off.

Yeah, that's called risk management.

Risk management. We got jelly beans, we got Degrassi, we're riding rails. Oh yeah. And she comes down slow, butt first. She looks back at me and the face she has, she makes like a— I realize I can see it.

I don't think so.

I think so.

You think so?

So I catch this little horn dog and she wants to go again. She keeps getting slower and slower.

And you're putting her back up there.

You got—

I mean, what are you doing?

She wants to go again.

Well, you're the fucking manager of the place.

Yeah, but it's hard to be like, no, you know.

Oh yeah, you're right.

So she goes maybe 2, 3 more rides, right?

Oh my God, bro, you gotta chill, dude.

I mean, like you're saying, I'm, I'm not sure if this is what it's about, but I do know children are little horn dogs, you know.

Well, I think there's a lot of— bring it, bring this up actually. What, what, like when does hormones start to affect the way that children act and behave? Oh dude, I remember when I was a kid now, and yes, sorry if I made you feel— I shouldn't have been making you feel weird. No, no, no, I'm trying to make you feel weird. I think I just got scared. I didn't know what—

you know, there's more to the story.

Oh, there is? So should we have more?

We ride, we— she rides, she rides, we fun, we fun, we fun, Jelly Bean, Jelly Bean City. Degrassi, Degrassi, Degrassi. So then the parents get back. This bitch blows it immediately. She goes, we had jelly beans, I rode the line, we watched Degrassi, it was so much fun. And they're, you know, my friend. And then my, uh, oh, my friend stays over. We have a little beer, we haven't seen each other in a long time, and the mom takes the kid home. And it's this awkward moment between me and my friend. He goes, because they have a— they have that staircase too. And he looks at me, goes, that staircase, didn't she? I go, yeah. He goes, yeah, that's a mom conversation. But see, then we talked about it. You also, as a parent, you have to be cool about this. Yeah, you know, like, you can't— you have a little girl like that, you can't be like, never, never touch the flower.

That's right.

Then it's gonna be— then she's gonna be banging prisoners when she's 20 years old because she's like, oh, Daddy said no flower touching.

Yeah, I'm opening up a florist down there by the correctional center or whatever.

So florist center. It's a fucking forest down here now.

God.

So with kids, you know, it's always— there's a tender point, but that's pro— that's totally a mom-to-daughter conversation, of course.

But it is interesting how you learn about sex, right, and what happens to you. This says puberty actually starts between age 8 and 13 in girls and 9 and 14 in boys. If it starts before age 8 in girls, before age 9 in boys, doctors often consider it early and worth checking out. But is it puberty that's starting, or is it, um, Um, because it is— I remember probably, maybe I was about 7 or 8, and, uh, and I remember like just pressing things against my crotch. Like, even if I would just was like pressing against my crotch, felt good. So I'd find like, even if you were just walking by something and like, you ever see a tree that has like one of those kind of butt, like a little butt sticking out?

I've dated a few.

Yeah, so you've been to that forest before is what you're telling But what I'm saying is this. Yeah, I remember as a kid, like, sometimes my dad and I would go walk to church and I would just walk— like, we'd walk by this one tree. And I remember, um, I remember him telling me at some point, at one age or something, I just would walk over and just press my crotch against it.

Like, all I did as a kid was lay on the floor flat and just shove my little willy into the floor just to make it stimulate. Then I had a Pink Panther— remember Detective Pink Panther? Oh yeah, I had that as a toy, like a soft toy, and I would just like fuck this Pink Panther so much that even under my, like, under my, like, foreskin, I had pink hairs. I would fuck the shit out of this. Oh God. Yeah, we would solve some crimes and then you know what the award is? You solved another crime, Panther. Oh, that, and that exact toy. See, it's got a little pussy, it's got everything.

It doesn't have a pussy, Ari, that's just its body.

Yeah, but your imagination can add. What?

It doesn't. No, you cannot.

And I would fuck it so much. I still have it in my podcast studio in Estonia. It's like a story that I told in my old podcast in Estonia. And between the crotch, all the hairs are like gone now because I just— because I just— and she was a little whore, wasn't she?

It's a man.

She was a little whore, wasn't she? I would come home from school, I'd put Metallica on and just rail my pink panther. Every case got sold that night.

What if you listen to that song, Alice in Chains, down and up?

There's a male. Well, you know, it's—

thank you. Would you— let's say it one more— say that one more time.

You know who else—

for the people in the back, the— say it. You got to hear yourself say it.

Gender is a spectrum.

Yeah, but let's, let's see what it says here. Perplexity, help us out. Can you use perplexity? Let's get this real quick.

See, see, see, see, see, see. Generally portrayed.

Let's—

can you—

would you mind reading it for us?

All right, I just want this on gender.

The cartoon Pink Panther is generally portrayed as male.

I love that they put male as bold just to fuck with me. They're like, hey bro, they did. Yeah, I was banging this toy. It was like, you know, what, were you banging them or do you think you were just rubbing? But right, but between the legs, so I already knew enough. I already knew enough. That's where I gotta put it, you know. You know? Yeah, I had fun with this dirty slut, dude.

Dude, that's not a dirty slut.

No, she was my little slut, dude.

It was— that was Pink Panther. That's Heathcliff. Or that's— these are good people. These are Snoopy. These are good people.

And then, and then I, I'd even fuck this whore when I even got like a little girl— not like a girlfriend, you know, like you get, get like a kiss. So I'd have like breakup sex like once every 2 weeks. I'd still fuck the shit out of my fucking Pink Panther and then went back to my little girlfriend next door.

Yeah. You're running shit.

I'll run that shit. She was a little slut, dude.

Dear God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I just didn't know that kind of stuff's going on in the third world or whatever. But yeah, yeah, yeah, we take for granted here that, that animals and like different things like, um, like Mattel or these different companies— bring up some different Mattel animals from like the '80s and '90s if you can. This was the company that made a lot of these stuffed animals. And I think we take it— we take for granted here in the United States that these animals get treated well, right? They get, you know, people—

I treat her real well.

Like Popples. Like, you ever see Popples?

Never.

Okay, but okay, well, Inspector Gadget—

I had a potato.

Okay, yeah, some people—

We had a long winter, communism, and a potato.

We didn't have Popples. But here's what I'm saying, but I think we take for granted in America that stuffed animals here get like— they'll tuck them into bed and they'll like like treat them well or get them a little glass of water.

This bitch well at all? Yeah, this bitch got ran through, dude. He was a man. He was a male cat. No, no, no, dude, he was a male cat with pink skin.

He was obviously going through a lot.

And then, um, and then what? Like maybe like 10 years ago when I— when me and my girlfriend were chilling at my place We did a little role play and she dressed as the— because she didn't know the story from my old podcast.

So, oh, for your birthday or something, she did it?

Yeah, she dressed as the Pink Panther. Oh, that's pretty. I was the detective, Closo, Detective Closo. I can't remember his name. And I was like, that— and then you're sucking my cock.

Yeah. Oh, it's great to see you having a good time in our country. When your uncle pulled up would a fresh raccoon to Thanksgiving and nobody questioned him? That's a power move right there. When your mom's friend stayed over just one night and now lives there and drinks up all your whole milk and wears your freaking pants sometimes, that's also a power move. Just like how hiring Morgan and Morgan is a power move. Morgan Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. Yep, yep, they have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 1,000 lawyers. With over $30 billion recovered for over 500,000 clients, Morgan Morgan has a proven track record— PTR, baby— proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. Yep. For more information, go to forthepeople.com/theo or dial #Law. That's #529 from your cell phone. That's forthepeople.com/theo or #Law. #529. This is a paid advertisement. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp, baby. Life. God, life's a journey. It's a dang Oregon Trail, isn't it? One day you got somebody's cough and somebody's got a, uh, hematoma or whatever.

Somebody, you know, uh, lost all their money or something, threw it in a wishing well. Somebody's kids left them or something, you know. Some life, some days feel good, some days feel overwhelming, some days feel good. Some days you're standing in your yard and a balloon floats over to you, and that's good. You know, some days you're sitting in your car at night hiding from your family and somebody come over and give you a little cut of casserole for no reason. That's God. Look, I'm talking about BetterHelp, guys. Whatever's keeping you up at night, it's easy to feel like you have to figure it all out on your own. And let me tell you, that is not the truth. Mental Health Awareness Month, it's on and popping. It's a good opportunity to check in with yourself, see where you're at. Be honest too. How am I doing? BetterHelp, they're here, they can help. BetterHelp online therapists work according to a strict code of conduct, and they're fully licensed in the US. They do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. That's what they do. What I'm saying is you don't have to be on this journey alone.

Nope. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/theo. That's betterhelp.com/theo. Take me into Estonia a little bit though. Like, just like, well, let's talk about this. Like, because we're talking about sex and being young. Um, and so you're, you're saying that, like, what is the conversation really? Like, what is the real conversation you would have with the kid? Like, how do you really do that with a kid, do you think? Because obviously you and I grew up in a way where, like, we were figuring out ourselves. Like, for me, I, I realize now, like, I don't like talking about a lot of sexual stuff with my friends even, because to me, like, sex was always like a secret thing.

Like, private thing.

Yes. And it was secret. I had to sneak and find the magazines, and I had to do it in secret. So, like, so my whole life I've always felt like, like it's like, it's not like scary, but it's like a secretive thing. It's like very like, it's super secret.

That's good or no?

I don't think that it's good.

I don't think it's good either. Like my household, I had a single mother. We had a stepdad at one point, but my mom had a lot of boyfriends. She would be, uh, you know, in Estonia we have sauna culture, so everyone's naked. Everyone's naked.

Well, you have what culture?

Sauna culture.

Sauna. Okay, saunas.

Yeah, like even as a little kid, I Like, even as a little kid, I would sit— you know, sauna, it's got the, you know, the steps.

Yes.

It's hotter up there. So kids would always be sitting in front of the feet of the adults.

Got it.

And even my mom's girlfriends would come over and I would be in the sauna with the ladies. I would sit in front and pussy is like so far from my face.

Right.

Like, as a kid, I would look back, I'd laugh at it. They would laugh at it.

Very close, a casual distance.

Yes. And it's like— and it's— Yeah, so being naked and sexuality, in my family at least, this is not the case for all Estonian families, but we also don't have any Christian guilt or none of that. You know, it's like a communistic thing which has Christian values to some extent, some homophobia and some chauvinism, all that, you know, that comes with it.

Yeah.

But sexually-wise, sin is not like included in it, you know, so there's no guilt really feeling sexual things. And in my house, yeah, my mom would have boyfriends. I would hear them have sex, and my mom would be like, "Mommy needs her own little time, so you go hang out with the sister." I know that that means like— I didn't know what sex was, but I knew it's like that little grown-up thing, right?

So, so you knew there was something grown-up going on, so it did feel adult, but it didn't feel wrong.

And then, you know, I would have like— even when I was like 14, 15, I started having little girlfriends over. My mom would like literally Dude, when I was like 15, my mom— this girl was like very shy, and we were watching Ice Age in my room. And then my mom would bring us cinnamon rolls. And then when she didn't look, my mom would give me like 2 condoms just in case. We didn't even fuck. I was like fully virgin.

But she wanted you to just feel okay about it.

She wanted me to feel okay. And I think that was very healthy. Like, looking at other people my age who I've met and I talk about their childhood, about their sexuality. It seems like sex, exactly like you said, it's a thing in the shadows. And I think when you're a young, like, especially a young—

Entrepreneur or whatever, young man, sorry.

Young boy, I think it's really bad to hide those things and make you feel bad about having certain emotions that you can't really control. It's just hormones.

That's the whole point. Yeah, some of you, that's the thing is that you can't control it. So it's like, then it makes you feel ashamed of part of you that you have scientifically, there is no way you can control. You can control. And you—

and then what happens? Then you're 40 and you're in a dungeon with, oh, with like a drill in your ass. Well, that's great, because I gotta let go because mommy said I'm a bad boy. That's what happens.

Is it really?

I was— I mean, I guess.

I don't know.

I was a good boy and I'm not gonna have a drill up my ass. I'm gonna treat a girl nice and then we're gonna have sex. Yeah, like two adults.

Yeah, I think this is very— this is definitely a good time to learn about some of this because Um, yeah, now with porn, I mean, wow. Well, let me think about some of this. Let me think for a second, dude, because I like talking about this stuff because it's also important. Like, a lot of people don't have some of these conversations, right? And they don't think about it. And parents don't know because, like, I think it's interesting your mother would make you the cinnamon roll. So here's something, it's like, you know, you're a good boy, you get the dessert, and I, you know, I care about you. There's something a mother making a treat, giving you an offering, but also here is something I want to let you know, that I understand what's going on here, and that if there's something— that, that I want you to be, um, safe no matter what. So then it's like, that's what a mother always wants for her child, is the child to always to be safe. But I think like the presentation of that is pretty interesting. What do you think, like, what do you really think?

Because you know, there are some Native American tribes where an uncle or even a father or brother will teach this younger sibling about masturbation will literally go out with him into the woods and teach him how to jerk off.

It's like my stepdad. I was already 17 and he's like, he's like saying like, when it gets hard, you know, you can watch videos and play around with it. That's okay. I'm like, okay dude, stick a finger up your ass, I'll show you what's a good time. Yeah, it's already too late, you know. Yeah, I'm already—

I got two toothbrushes hidden up my ass, brother, you know what I'm saying? We're partying, dude.

Click this remote and see how I feel. I got a thing up my ass that makes me go, oh yeah, dude, click this remote and I'll run a fucking 5:240, brother. Click this remote, bro.

That would be a great game show. You have 7 people somewhere, right, in a, in like a quiet area, right? And one of them, and you have to be like 40 feet away, one of them has some sort of, um remote-activated sexual apparatus hidden in their, um, butt.

The holy hole.

Yeah, the butt, or whatever the 11th fingerprint some people call it, right? And, uh, so, but you don't know who it is. You only get to press it 3 times.

You have the offshore account, as we call it.

Yeah, the offshore account.

Like when you're a Christian, you can't fuck the holy hole, but you can do the offshore account.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or yeah.

Yeah, yeah, the IRS don't know about this one.

Yeah, we're talking about where— well, let's just say where people do Malaysian banking, right? That's what we'll call it. So, uh, so anyway, um, but that's the game show. You have 7 people and you just get to look on their faces or whatever, or you can ask them a question and while they're answering you could buzz. But if you don't have the right person at the right time, then you're gonna get the wrong person.

And that's when you see a lot of people in a pool and you see that one guy pissing, it's so clear, you know, this one.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Is that okay to pee in a pool in your country, or is that normal here? Is it very similar?

Every time I'm in water, I pee. Yeah, it feels so good. Yeah, it feels holy.

Yeah. Um, yeah, I think getting that out early, it must be tough for a parent. Then here's why I think it's tough. I bet— and I don't know, I'm not a parent— but I bet it is. You just don't want to see your kid grow up that fast.

100%. Nobody likes to see that.

And it's probably such a special age where your kid isn't like— and it is, it's a special age for young people too. It's like, dude, that's like the best years probably where you're like— your dad has like a new best friend, you guys do cool stuff together, you're like— he's your hero. And then somebody shows him some cooter or something, or draws a picture of, of some pussy on a piece of, you know, on the inside of a big, um, oyster shell or something, and shows it to the boy, and then everything changes.

Everything changes. Everything becomes about that.

Yes. Yeah. But so it must be tough for a daddy. It's like Maybe I'm just thinking of a boy.

And then looking at my friend with his daughter, you know, it's— that's even tougher because I think, oh, it's your angel. It's your angel. Because I think with boys it's more expected. Like, even with my mother, me being sexual, very accepted. My sister was a bit older and she was very protective of her. You know, mothers always love their sons, dads always love their daughter. It's like a thing, you know, they always say it's like a thing. Mothers always are very tough on their daughters. Because they're a woman and they know how tough it is to be a woman. And you gotta toughen these bitches up for the real world.

Oh, you gotta—

Nobody touches your fucking flower, you know?

But as a boy, you gotta fortify these bitches.

But as a boy, fertilize the ground, you know?

Right.

Have fun. So it's like, so that's another thing with like girls, because I remember that. I literally remember even my, like, me being a little kid and like having girlfriends and My mom would be like, that's, that's cool. You know, my boy is cool. Yeah, my boy's having a little girlfriend. He's the hot guy at school. He's the funny guy. That's cool. But if my sister would date, that's like a, oof, like a girl. So.

Right. Yeah, it's a totally different energy. Yeah, it's a total different energy, man. Yeah. I remember they had a gal who would like kind of rub Kleenexes on her, like in her underpants, whatever, and then throw them off the balcony and let us grab them and catch them and stuff. Really? Almost like catching the bouquet at a wedding or something.

Wow, the Kleenex with the juices.

It wasn't juices, but it was like it had enough of an ambiance where you want— like, I remember putting on cleats one time to catch it, you know.

Really?

So yeah, or like, you know, like activated sneakers kind of. I don't know if you guys have cleats in your country or not.

One time I had a— we do have cleats. One time, when I was a little boy, there was a girl that stayed over She was like my mother's friend, old classmate's daughter. Maybe she was like maybe 19. I was like 11 or 12 or something like that. She stayed over one night and the next day I'm alone at home. And you know, when you're alone as a boy at home, that's when the devil comes to visit.

You know, your crotch suddenly like shows up on the wall like a genie coming out of a lamp. What are we gonna do today, my boy?

Everything in my house needs to get fucked.

Yeah, what'd you say?

Everything in my house needs to get fucked. Like, I tried my cock everywhere. The couches, the pillows. So then I go up there.

Oh my God.

And this 19-year-old, I think it's like the pheromones and her cologne were on the bed. I literally—

She had cologne on? She sounds—

19. I mean, I think so. I think it was cologne. But not cologne. What's— what's— A perfume. Oh, female. I didn't know it's— sorry.

Perfume. Sorry.

Yeah, I didn't know it's— okay. Yeah, a smell. A really nice pleasant smell.

Oh yeah. Oh God.

I go into the bed, I put the covers on, I take the pillow she slept on, I'm like forcing it on my face and I'm like jacking off with—

Dude, I remember this is— I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. This was supposed to be an interview about being from Estonia. Yeah. But here we go, dude. But dude, I remember I would hide in my buddy's— at their house. I would hide. Like, his mother was like this sweet— she was like just like a good— or she just like, I don't know, but she was attractive too. And like, there was like, you know, there's that energy where you're attracted to your buddy, one of your buddy's moms or something. You keep going over to his house, you don't even like— you'll sleep.

I don't even like the game you're playing.

Yeah, yeah, dude. Yeah. And I would, I would, instead of sleeping in the room with him, like we would build like a fort or something, I would go sleep like in the hall by her, like, by their door and shit. Like, just weird shit. Weird shit, but still legal stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I remember I'd get in the clothes hamper and just like— she had like one of her bras was in there.

Oh.

And I don't know if it was still warm, but I thought it was.

It was.

And I would just smell it, like put it close to my fucking— like, I just wanted to push it all the way into my nose forever.

That's what I did with the pillow. I just wanted to fucking shove it down my DNA. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, I wrote— I wrote a love letter to my friend's mother, by the way.

No way, bro. Yes, you need to—

I got out of hand.

You got it. Yeah, you got really bad, and somebody should be watching you. Yes, still to this day. That's a lot, dude. Did you give it to her?

Yes. No. And she never addressed it. Oh, it's so weird. But it wasn't anything.

It's called unrequited love. Bring up unrequited love.

It wasn't everything.

I've read about this before. Hold on, I want to say—

what is unrequited That's what I'm saying.

I want to help you get to this, just not to the solution like I have no— unrequited love is one-sided romantic attraction where feelings are not reciprocated, often causing profound emotional distress including loneliness, low self-esteem, and anxiety. It commonly stems from idealized fantasies, unreturned crushes, or unbalanced relationships, with roughly 98% of people experiencing it.

Wow.

So you're not— exactly, you're not alone.

I'm not alone, dude.

Well, how often does unrequited love lead to crime? Can you look that up? And then what were you gonna say?

I— that's what I was also thinking.

Unrequited love is a very common—

like, violence and murder. Awesome.

There you go. Yep, there you go right there. The actions can be severe, including stalking, violence, and murder.

But I was a little boy, so she was stronger than me.

But also, 3 options: stalking, violence, and murder. It's not like it's just like include murder, because stalking It's wrong, but it's—

well, even the, the mother I wrote that letter to, when I was, when I was going walking, when I was going home from school, yeah, I would take a longer route just to go by her house.

Oh yeah.

And maybe catch a city. I never did, but I gave the universe a chance to give me a sign just to see something, just to see some, because that's, that's also like I mean, we had porn, but this was— you gotta like download a fucking image and it was hard. It was like right there.

You need to pray for it.

Yeah. So to see a titty, I need an intervention by God, right? Yeah.

Oh man.

Then I found a magazine. You ever find like a magazine in the woods? You know, the classic when there's porn in the woods or something?

Yes.

It was during winter.

Who hid it there, do you think?

They always hide. I don't get it at all because somebody had porn in every woods. I think everywhere.

It could have been Israel. I think if somebody hid it in every woods It's Israel.

It's like the pagers. Yeah, it's like the pagers.

It's the pagers.

You corrupt young men. You corrupt the future army you're about to fight by showing them a huge horse cock going into a pregnant lady.

Because they all jerk off and then the army's weaker. It's not a bad strategy.

Well, you know, that's what happened with Ukraine and Russia because Russia deployed a lot of North Korean soldiers and now they're first time having internet access. You know, they're like not fighting. All they're doing is drinking and jacking off.

Nuh-uh.

Yeah, because it's like, imagine you're seeing porn for the first time.

I can jack off by myself.

Wow. And let's bring that up.

What are you saying, Koreans are jacking off?

Yeah, North Koreans, because they had no internet. Now they're deployed. It's like a huge thing.

I mean, it's Pandora's box.

And then I found this magazine one time. I found it was during wintertime, was under ice. Because it was so frozen.

It's almost like ice fishing. You ever been ice fishing?

Yeah. And then I had to get a pick and to like— I— it took me hours with my hands freezing to access these titties.

Oh, it's like the new Frankenstein with Jacob Elordi. Have you seen the beginning of that?

Exactly. So clang, clang, I get a big block of ice under the magazine out. I put it in, in towels near my, uh, near my, um, what's that on the wall?

Radiator.

Radiator. Near the radiator. Took me like took me days for it to dry off. Water was everywhere. And then it dried off and I had to peel— I got only one page open because it was all fucked up. But it took me like— I was like a detective. It took me like days to see. And it was all fucked up except these two big round titties. So I cut the titties out and kept them in my fucking Batman wallet for years. And I would show other guys at school, I'd be like, check out this. I would show these two ominous titties.

I love that. Yeah, like wolf's eyes.

And the first porn video I ever saw. It was gay porn, I just didn't know.

Wow.

It was like so low pixels, I just saw cock going into an orifice, and then like it took me like minutes to realize there's another cock hanging near the orifice. It broke my heart. And the guy who was banging, doing that porn, he's an Estonian guy. I met him like 20 years later.

No way, did you tell him it hurt your feelings?

Yeah, I told— I really, I said, I thought you were banging a chick. Oh, he goes, this is my friend Markus.

Oh, they're friends, huh? Yeah, yeah. You wonder if people are friends in some of those videos sometimes.

The whole fucking—

North Korean soldiers hooked on porn after getting internet access for first time while helping Russia fight Ukraine. Um, North Korean military men who joined the war front in Ukraine on behalf of Russia have un— why would— first of all, look up this up separately, keep me on this page. Why would, uh, why would North Korean men be supporting the Russian side in this war. I just—

communism, because they're also communistic, you know. Oh, so they're supporting common interests. Everyone's against North Korea except— so Russia's seeking for partners, you know.

Got it. Um, North Korean military men who joined the war front in Ukraine on behalf of Russia have unfettered internet access for the first time and may be using it to watch tons of pornography. That's the kind of— this one, I don't trust the media. And may be using it, might be, to watch tons of pornography, you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, play what— give me one side of the net, right?

Yeah.

According to a report that a Pentagon official was unable to confirm. So yeah, okay, so I'm not saying that's not true, but I know just the way they shape— if you look at the way they shape articles and stuff.

Oh yeah.

According to a report that a Pentagon official was unable to confirm, warriors from the Hermit Kingdom engaged in a battle in Ukraine for the first time Monday. But they purportedly started fighting different demons before stepping foot onto any field, according to a report. Does it say what their favorite search is? There's a joke up there, they go, "Hardened soldiers indeed." A usually reliable source tells me the North Korean soldiers who have deployed to Russia have never had unfettered access to the internet before. As a result, they're gorging on pornography.

Someone's telling you to hold the front line, but you're seeing everything you've ever dreamed of for the first time. I'm staying at the base, brother. I mean, we can give up a little land.

Yeah, yeah, we can give up a little land if we give up a couple hundred more acres, you know, so to just so I can get through a couple of more of these, um, categories. Yeah, that I'm really curious about, dude.

Uh, when I did the youth exchange program in Romania when I was a kid—

hold on, hold on second. I just don't know how many stories I could take.

There was—

where somebody ends up jacking off all over at the end of it.

Just you.

I'm not judging you. I just have to fucking brace myself for just a second, dude. Let me touch my fucking neck for a second.

Release the cranium. Imagine you start doing that on a plane, dude. I gotta hold on a second. I gotta release my cranium. You put a balloon up your nose. People are getting weird out there, dude. You know, when someone's like stretching at the airport, it's like too much. You know, when they're on the ground and they're doing their little thing. Oh yeah, just take your bad hip. Yeah, I'm uncomfortable, dude. I want to do squats too, but I'm not gonna—

just get your fucking bad ankle to Minneapolis, brother. Dude, but I— here's a dream I had is one day if I was— had a long enough layover, I wanted to go for a jog like in the Atlanta airport. Or the Madrid airport, I think, is really, really big.

Uh-huh.

Um, and you want to go jog because you could jog because in the Madrid airport it's like giant. You could do like a 2-mile run in it. Like, so I just wanted to go for like a run. Like, say if you had a long enough layover, you're trying to kill time, but you also want to get some exercise because you can cruise. Like, if you're running late for your plane, you're well— you're welcome to do that all day for sure. So I'm like, if you just had your headphones on and you just popped shadowboxing, yeah. Popped on some shorts. Why not go for a run? Yeah, that's always been a dream of mine ever since I was young, to run in an airport. To run, but to go for a run in an airport. I think it's to do something someplace that seems obtuse, you know.

Uh-huh.

Um, but let's— I just want to make sure that we get to the end of this thought of like, so did we, did we cover fully? So as a mother, I think, or as any parent, it's just to create a comfortable way to have that conversation and keep it ongoing so that it can be— there's room for it to breathe. Like, yeah, I think if it's taboo or if you don't talk about it at all, then it feels like, um, something's wrong.

You're correct.

Scary. Or then you just learn— this is another thing I just realized— your friends tell you, and it's always some evil older brother that's like calling you a fuck or whatever, always, and just are doing this in front of you like this, you know.

Um, it's like too much.

It's gross. And that kid probably learned from some dark, dark way, right?

Yeah.

So I think like, um, um, like, yeah, but then here's what happens is you learn from a kid, you learn from some, like, and then, and then you, you become like, oh, I need to do certain things, or I need to operate certain ways, or make sure that I'm like trying to like engage with sex or something so that other people, my peers, will think it's cool, right?

Well, the only reason I wanted to lose my virginity was because all my friends had lost their virginity. Yeah, it's not even Remember, remember how much you wanted to have sex? Like in your DNA, you feel it. But then when the opportunity— how scared you are, dude. I was literally— I was so terrified. It's crazy. And also my girlfriend, when we decided to do it, I had already lied that I've done it. So I had to pretend like I've been here before.

And what'd you do to pretend? Just stand up straighter or whatever?

Well, I didn't even know, you know, like pussy has angles. To even get my cock into her sweet little angel hole, it took me several tries. I had to try several times.

And of course, it's like trying keys on a door. You're like, oh, that one's not it, or that one— yeah, that one goes to that other place.

They never explained that in porn, you know. They don't— you know, you don't know that. Yeah. And it took so long. Yeah, I had to like— and I came within like maybe it was like 2 seconds or something, and then you just gotta lie, you know. Yeah, I told her like, ah, it's my like third time, so you know, I'm still pretty new.

Oh dude, I lost my virginity behind a bowling alley in our town. Really? That they're refurbishing now, so I'm glad that they're doing that.

Um, wait, but in what room? The toilet?

No, no, behind it, outside. Yeah, in the woods. What? Yeah, yeah, no, it was, it was sex, but it was— yeah, I lost my virginity behind this bowling alley. Bring it up over there, Tiffany Lane's over there.

Uh, oh, you've talked about this. Theo dusted off his little wand and got his weasel grease for the first time here. That means these lanes are well-oiled and the ambiance are well done.

Pretty cool, huh? Oh, here it is right there. I hate to see that it's closed. Good place if you came early like Theo. I know his girl didn't like that he came so early, but that just makes him an alpha. Let's go! Thank you, thank you, Nicholas F.

Um, wow, it's all Theo places. It's all Theo, dude.

I had no idea, dude.

You took this This is down probably now. There's all these little kids trying to get their dick wet and they're not even interested in the lanes. This bowling alley owner must be so— his mind must be like, the fuck's been happening the last 4 years?

Why is everybody behind the building?

Nobody wants to use the lanes anymore.

Place is full of rich history. Theo Von became a man behind this alley. Shout out to the patrons for giving him the strength to do so. Amen to that. I'm here because of Theo Von, who lost something precious at this bowling alley so long ago. Any good place for Theo is good enough for me. Oh, that's nice of you. Thank you, my, uh, man Wheezy.

Again, Theo. It's all Theo. It's literally all Theo.

I didn't know. Sorry. Yeah, but anyway, thank you guys for some of the warm sentiment. And, um, yeah, just a beautiful place, and they are reopening it soon, so I am excited about that.

You should go to the reopen.

Go to the ribbon cutting.

You should go to the reopening.

I— dude, are we even going to mess this place up by even talking about this on here?

No, they're totally fucked No, but it closed there.

When did it close?

Oh, but they're renovating.

$2 million renovation, getting a new bowling alley. You know what, I should have reopened it.

Yeah, this is the spot.

Dang. Yeah, but still, I hope that people practice, uh, you know what I'm saying, bumper bowling if they do around there. Um, just safe activity. But what would you— if you're a dad, what do you think you say to your son? Like, really, like, what do you really say to your son if you think you like And when do you think you would do it? Like, I'm trying to think if I'd have had a dad around that was going to communicate like that, what would I have— what would I have liked to— like, it's probably like around 11 or 12.

Yeah, you see, well, you see it way before that, probably, you know, the little willy. Like, did you show your little cock everywhere when you were a kid?

No.

Did you show it? I showed it to everybody. I had to. Really? It felt so good. And people would laugh and feel good. Like, my mom would have her girlfriends over. They would drink wine. And I would do this thing where I would slide, like, you know, they're like in on the couches in the living room, and I would slide on my socks. And I had a little— these like gray sweatpants with a little hole in front. I put my little willy—

oh wow—

play the guitar like this and then run back in my room. I mean, dying laughing. They were like, right? Then I did it so much that eventually my mom was like, you know, that's not right.

You're like, you're 30 now, you gotta—

yeah, you gotta—

sliding out there.

So I would do stuff like that. Like, I love that. That's like funny.

Oh yeah, I think it's definitely funny. This, uh, Perplexity says the best approach to make it ongoing, calm conversation, not one big talk.

Yeah, yeah, that's— I guess that's true.

Oh dude, I remember I've talked about this before, but my uncle was like— my uncle, or I don't know if he was our uncle, but he was like a guy that somebody was making love to that had a car, right? And so he would bring us to the wine stop the wine store, and he left me in there one time. He was going to do something. So I'm wandering around in there and some lady walks up. She's like, have you seen my kitty? And I didn't know what she was talking about. And I was probably, I think I was maybe 12. And then she opens her jacket. She was naked.

No.

Yeah.

Wait, why would she be an angel like that?

I don't know why, but I didn't know what was going on. I just remember being like very—

fully naked.

I don't remember if it was bush or whatever. I mean, everything was zen. I remember that, dude. But it was just kind of crazy, you know?

Must be for real.

Now I can feel it. Was nice, dude. But I just— it was like a— I remember that that happened, but I think my uncle had said something after that. He maybe— he asked me a couple of questions about it, but I think it's just like he had to make her do it.

Maybe.

No, he did not. Oh, that would have been crazy. No, he didn't have any.

My girlfriend showed her tits to like a young kid one time.

Oh, wow.

Just because to blow his fucking mind.

Fuck yeah. That's fucking kind of It's fucked up, but it's cool.

Big ass titties.

And this kid was like, those fucking yams, huh? Yeah, dude, I'll tell you this. One time at, um, at YMCA summer camp— shout out YMCA, best summer camps in the world, I'll say that, facts— they had— we would go to this park called Fontainebleau State Park, and it was in Louisiana. Bring it up over there, Fontainebleau.

Let me guess, the reviews are all steel.

No, nobody knows about this, dude. Nobody knows about this. But it was like raining one day, and we sat there, and they had this guy named Eddie, and he was pretty cool. And, uh, Fontainebleau. Just look at the pictures of— yep, that's it.

It's very pretty.

It's very pretty, very beautiful place. But, um, like, everybody's bored because it was raining, and so you got to walk up and look down, like, his girlfriend's shirt one time.

One time, that's all you need.

And I just remember I walked up and looked, and then I was like, oh, I didn't get to see it. I said that, like, I just made it up or whatever. They let me go one more time. They disrespected the, the, you know, but I don't know if it was so powerful that I actually couldn't see it.

Like you blanked, right?

Like it just— you staring into something, you know, just like, yeah. Um, I do want to learn a little bit about, uh, what brought you here from Estonia to the USA. Like, why did you come?

Well, stand-up, of course.

Okay, so you were doing stand-up there?

I was doing it in Estonia, Australia, uh, Estonia in the capital, Tallinn. I did in Australia, Melbourne. I in Bangkok for a year. I was the feature on the road in Asia with a lot of guys. I met Ari Shaffir that way. I met Sam Tallent in Estonia because he came through. I did it in Canada.

He came through Estonia?

Yeah, I invited him. Yeah, I put some gigs up for him. It was awesome.

So were you running your own show there?

Yeah, yeah, we have, uh, we have like our own comedy club. Okay. Me and my friends, like 8 of us basically own.

And it's still active?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Summer tour, they're all killing it.

How big is Tallent?

Um, 600,000, I think. That's big. Yeah, it's pretty big.

How big is Estonia?

1.4. But you know, when you say 1.4 population, what is it really like actually online voting people who know what's happening in the world? Maybe 60,000.

60,000.

You know, it's like when you say, what's— how much is in America? It's like a big number, right?

Right.

Yeah. But how much of those people are actually consumers and they go to shows, they go to like like, like online people.

I see what you're saying, right? Like America, I think the population now— what is the population now? I bet it's about 350 million.

That's crazy. Wow.

The US population is approximately 342 to 349 million. Um, but yeah, what percent are like kind of—

out of those 350 million, I reckon actual people, it's maybe 3 million, right?

A lot of bots.

A lot of—

a lot of bots, a lot of NPCs. I think that could be right. Did you, uh, the people there, do they— is comedy different there? Would they get our comedy? What is humor like there?

Well, you see, that's why stand-up had such an explosion as well, is that the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991. That's when Estonia became a country again. We were a country in the '40s before Soviet Union rocked around, and we were Soviet Union basically all the time. You know, Estonians get really offended when you call us Russian, you know, because we're like Estonian. But it's a very they/them behavior, you know. It's like, you were Mike last week, you know. It's like, most of our history we've been Russia, so I don't get offended when people say that. But it's a thing we have.

So there's a lot of pride in Estonia right now, being a—

we have our own language, everything, you know.

Wow, it's a beautiful place.

It is. You would— because you seem like a guy, um, America is very loud. It's loud. It's a lot. The highways are loud. There's a lot of pollution. It's loud. It's a lot.

I agree.

That's why you guys are also like culturally like the leaders, because there's a lot of tension and a lot of push and pull. A lot of push and pull creates beautiful art. A lot of tension creates beautiful art. So that's why you guys do that. But Estonia, very serene, calm, sauna, the sea, the ocean, quiet space. Space. We love space. We love quiet, it's not a lot of people. So when the Soviet Union collapses, with like rap music, culture, movies, stand-up comedy, the more, um, you know, to control— what communism does really well when it works is to control people, you control their subconscious, their mind. So that's why There was all this, you can't speak bad about the government. There's all this censorship, right? You can't say bad words, no sexual stuff. You have to keep people's subconscious subdued to control them, just like they're doing now in North Korea. That's what you have to do.

Well, just like even that's happening now here, I think, in America is like, you know, they're like the way that they sedate us with certain like things you can and can't say online, that sort of thing.

No, that's what you do. But the more tension creates, the bigger the release when you get to say it. Like, that's how stand-up started in America. So much tension with the government, racial tensions, everything. And then a guy named Lenny Bruce starts riffing with a cigarette in his mouth and starts saying crazy shit. And people go into this room like, holy fuck, this is where you can talk off the record. This is how I talk with my friends when the government isn't listening, you know. That's why communists So that's how it, you know, like—

That's how whispering started even.

Exactly. And literature back in the day, why Russian literature is so beautiful, it's because it's out of all this poverty and you have to speak through the flowers. That means I can't say fuck the government, but I can say it in a different way. That's why, you know, so parameters, like having parameters also create beautiful art. And then when the Soviet Union collapsed, all the floodgates are open. We get South Park, Chappelle's Show, Knight Rider, MacGyver, Grey's Anatomy, Felicity, Friends. Yeah, it's all like coming into our consciousness.

Yeah.

And then me and another friend Sander and another group of guys, uh, the Comedy Estonia guys, used to be on our organization back in the days. We were the first generation of comedians, so now we're the first adults talking about stuff that American entertainment talks about. Potty-mouth stuff.

So they didn't have it before?

Not at all.

So you didn't— when you were a kid, they didn't have like an Estonian comedian?

We had comedic influences, but it's all controlled by the fucking— it's all mainstream. It's all, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Like Big Bird or something?

Yeah, yeah, like Tonight Show, Johnny Carson, like stuff like that. It's not. So then when we started, we were like first ones at the well, you know, the first ones at the well of creativity. Well, now that there's no lines, the internet keeps everything open. So it was a big explosion. Open mics would have hundreds of people in Estonia. Yeah, open mics, literally people squeezing in just to see this new art form. So it was a beautiful explosion. It's like fucking the Beatles shit, you know. Yeah. So it was amazing for us, you know.

Dude, that's so cool and so incredible.

The first hours of material, let's be honest, they're not the most original just because we're, as I said, we're the first ones at the well. I just got the first cup of water. Yeah, no one's ever made an airplane joke. I'm gonna do a fucking 12-minute closer. That would be so hacky here, but it's the first time anyone's talked about this.

Wow, dude, that's so wild. Yeah, yeah, there is something that's so thankful about like like, let me say something. That's why I think we're in a spot now where comedians sometimes are the people that are the only ones, and the few podcasters that are saying something that's like not the mainstream narrative.

Well, exactly. And that's how, uh, that's how podcasts basically took over the media. It's just because that the more you subdue the subconsciousness, the bigger the release.

What's that movie? This movie is great if you've ever seen It was the movie Titanic. Huh?

Titanic.

Titanic's so good, huh?

It's a great movie.

They had it in your country late, but I had it.

God, I think we're getting, uh, I think we're getting Avatar next year, so I'm very excited about that, dude.

Yeah, I remember being in Vietnam and they had just gotten, uh, Stand By Me when I was over there. Wow. And they were fucking crazy. You had all these Vietnamese people dressing up like the characters from Stand By me and singing that song. When the night it come, the land is gone.

We all dressed up as Blade when we got Blade. Remember Blade? Oh dude, everybody had sunglasses and a leather suit. If you go to a nightclub, it was the, the bouncer was Blade, the guy getting home was Blade. It was Blade IDing Blade. It was everyone was fucking— yeah dude, leather sales skyrocketed. I reckon the leather industry in Italy was like, man, what's happening in Estonia blade was used. This was me. This was, this was all of Estonia for like 3 years.

And do they have a lot of Black people in Estonia?

3.

Good.

Yeah.

And how's that been? If like, if we interviewed them, what would they say? Do you think it's been good? Yeah.

Okay, dude.

So it's been hit or miss. It's been hit or miss.

It's been hit or miss for sure. But I would say Estonians Eastern Europeans, Northern Europeans, you know, um, it's not— see, racism is embedded in you having a preconceived notion about a certain group of people. And I would say living in America, it probably gets validated in an echo chamber. If you grow up in a white neighborhood and it's a racist neighborhood, you're going to have this notion and then you're going to grow up and understand, okay, that was just my childhood. In Estonia, if you don't really have Black people around, the racism is kind of— it's firing into darkness.

Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying. Yeah, I'll be in Canada and I'll see Black people in some Canadian places, and it doesn't feel like there's any of the tension and weird shit that there is in America. And I'm not saying that they're— it's so fucking different. You're like, oh, this is how things are supposed to be. And they also keep like repeating this same narrative in America. Like it's getting beat. It's gotten like, it's like we should be able to, I think at some point, start to move past some of this stuff. It's like, what are we still doing?

I know. Yeah, exactly.

You know what I'm saying? If I'm still chewing a piece of gum from fucking 150 years ago.

Yeah.

And then after, and there's a taste in my mouth after a while, it's because at a certain point you got to, you know, somebody let that gum go. Yeah. Just get, you know, You know, yeah, take part of it out of your mouth, you know, or give it a little bit of a rest sometimes. Yeah, but there's some people that just want to chew like some of the same gum. And maybe that's messed up for me to say, but I just— it blew my mind when I was in Canada and I was like, oh, there's not this racial tension here at all.

Yeah, and absolutely there's people who are, you know, it's racism due to ignorance is one thing, you know. Yeah, and totally, I'm not saying that doesn't exist, but And it's like, you know, Estonians, we drop N-bombs, but it doesn't have the history you have here. You know, like we have— we don't even say black people, we just drop the word. But you guys have, you know, you guys, you like— we don't have the word you have, right? We say like negro, which you guys say too, and it's not a good word, you know?

Right. Well, especially being from the South, some of it's like, yeah, it's all like— I agree, there's such a history with it, like certain terms here that you don't want it, like it's not not cool.

Exactly. So, but there's none of that weight attached to that word. So if a white guy will be drunk and yell it at a black guy, it's just because he's a fucking baboon brain. But there's no deep-conceived fucking hatred behind it, right?

But if a white guy gets drunk and yells at a black guy, that's fucking kind of racist.

No, it's racist. The action is racist for sure. But what I'm trying to say is he makes it out of ignorance. It's not— there's no like Right. You know, and it's like—

but yeah, I think our media over time kind of perpetuates it or wants to keep that flame burning because it also keeps a lot of fucking anger in certain communities.

Unity has zero dollars in it. Division has the bank. Amen. There's no reason for people to get along. There's no money in us having an open conversation and being happy with our lives. There's no money in that.

Think about that.

I fucking hate your ass. And I need to be better than you and you want to be better than me. That creates revenue.

Yeah.

Yeah. There's no revenue in peace, man.

Yeah. Oh, it's interesting. It's sad. It's a lot. I'd love to talk more. We both have to go to the airport.

We have to go to the airport.

So people know that.

Are you— are you excited to travel, like, to see places like Estonia or— Oh, dude. Yes. What would you think about that?

Oh, I would love to go there, man. Like, I, I love to travel so much, and then I, like, I mean, I hate to say this, but it's like, you know, I got into podcasting and then it's a lot of— it's a lot. And also, like, work started going really good and then, like, that's a lot. And so it's all been, like, gifts. But, um, yeah, in the next, like, year or two, I would— I wouldn't mind maybe falling in love or something and going traveling, or just going and traveling. It'd be nice to have, like, somebody to do, like, you know, you get those things that you do with. My mom wanted to go to Italy, um, I think I might try to take her there, so I have to bring it up to her and see if she wants to go do that. But dude, yeah, I want to go see some more places. I've been fortunate to see some places, um, but I would love to get to go see some more. Like, that Semester at Sea trip was like the first time I ever like got to— like, I remember we pulled— like, we docked in like South Africa.

Wow. And dude, it would be crazy, bro, like, because you were just— I didn't know anybody on this ship. I remember, and everybody's families were there waving and had poster board and shit. I'm like, and I just started waving like strangers, grandmothers, shit, because I like, I don't know if I told my family that I was going. So I'm just fucking— this ship is leaving port and it's just like, and I'm just like, where are we going? And we sailed for like 14 days and then we get to Japan, right? So we went from Vancouver to Japan and, um, and that was crazy. And even when I got into Vancouver, I'd never been there. I went hitchhiking to go up to Whistler some dude picked me up. This dude, his name was Mike— Michael something. He was the caretaker for Christopher Reeves, who was Superman. Yeah, after Chris Reeves got hurt, he was his caretaker. So I got to ride and listen to all these crazy stories about what it was like, like taking care of Superman, which was just fucking crazy. Like, and shit like that. That was before they had cell phones. Like, shit, like, like you just like— I don't know, things were so much more possible and like unique, and like everything felt like an adventure then.

Um, but that, but that whole ship experience was really great, and, uh, and we got to go to different places. But I remember we got to South Africa and I got off and I was like, oh my God, like, like there's like other people are like living in different places. Like it just, it's hard to conceptualize things until you go places for sure.

And I would say, as much as I've met Americans throughout my life and now living Here, I would say there's something about Americans that it gets put into a lot of your heads that everywhere else is really dangerous and not good. Like, it's like you're not safe there. And I don't know if it's like capitalism and consumerism trying to put this thing like, stay put, stay here, spend money here, take a loan. You know, this is America. Like, of course, America number one, we love it. Patriotism is beautiful. Absolutely. But you know, the rest of the world ain't that bad.

No.

And it's—

oh, it's getting better all the time now. I mean, I think America, especially with the leadership we have now, um, with the way that we're like supporting like crimes around the world, with a lot that's been revealed, like, I love this country. I respect the people that have stood up and fought for it.

Absolutely.

Especially with our jobs, like freedom of speech. If there— if people didn't die for that job, yeah, we don't have a job here.

Absolutely.

You know, we don't even have a job market. And then there's other bigger entities now that are trying to like curtail that. And like these big, you know, like tech companies are trying to limit what you can say. Like, um, I think America's in a really, really interesting spot where we need patriots like more than ever. And I don't know how we become those, and I don't know also how we fight against the evil that's going on.

And the algorithm listens more than the people. Yeah, you know.

Say that again.

The algorithm listens more than the people. So what you hear is often wise dictated. The algorithm makes a decision what you're consuming. And that's wild. That's exactly the opposite of the internet, what it was created for. Because any opinion that the algorithm wants you to have, it will make you have it. It. You know, it's kind of—

and here's the thing, it's very scary.

It's not a human— like, I totally get it. We say an offensive word here, and another person who's maybe a revenue stream or a company that sponsors your podcast, maybe they don't like the word that we use, the slur. And that's a human making that decision. That's a board meeting. It's not my personal preference of a decision, but at least you can validate it to me, to a person. A algorithm deciding, like, between you and a consumer, there's an algorithm and that decides if that content gets to the consumer. That's not free speech. Yeah, that's, that's an orchestrated version of free speech. And that can even be more dangerous than just saying you can't say it, you know.

Yeah. I mean, and it's fascinating. And a lot of people, we don't even realize it's going on. And we don't realize that Have you ever looked at another person's feed?

How different is it? How is that possible? Aren't we both living in this country having the same issues? How are me and you living in the same country paying taxes for the same government and you get a totally different news feed? Because the algorithm knows.

Yeah, this is what he needs or this is what he doesn't need.

Isn't it creepy that when you scroll— I spoke to a guy who's a programmer. He's from Sweden, and he told me they developed this back in the day. He used to work for Spotify. Big programmer guy. He sells these patents. And he said, he said that one of the biggest things they've done is, you know, when you're scrolling, if you like a post, that's one thing. But you know what's more valuable for the algorithm? When you scroll past, you stop, you don't like it, and you keep scrolling. That's more points for the algorithm because the algorithm understands, oh, this is something you don't want to show other people you like, but you love this shit, don't you? So it knows you better than you, dude.

And it's like, that's— it's like temptation. It's like— and we don't realize when those things come on that you have to fight against that, man. Like, if you really want to have discernment, like, there's never a better time when we realize that people are fighting for your attention, right? Because what you absorb and then you believe, you're gonna— that's what's gonna influence your their children. And it's like we're at a crucial time.

Attention is money and time. And there's one thing you can't get back is time. And if you can control what people spend their time on, aka their attention, you control a whole narrative of history now, you know.

I mean, it's, it's a, it's basically, it's a communism.

It is for sure. I mean, it is. Yeah, absolutely. You're controlling me, you know. You're making me feel emotions about a certain topic that wasn't even entering my brain. It was a beautiful day and a nice flower and now I see this thing on my feed, and now I'm upset about something that has nothing to do with me.

Yep. And now that I'm upset, I'll resort to things that— these are things that sneak into people's lives. When for me, these are— sorry, I don't want to preach. These are things that sneak into my life when I'm angry. Um, I'll eat something I don't want to eat because I'm just frustrated. I'll act out, like I'll like maybe try and hit up some girl that I'm not really interested in. Bullshit. Masturbate. Do do watching porno, um, just different things. Once you're agitated, they got you because then you're gonna go buy some other addictive thing.

Yeah.

And it's a— it's just like, oh yeah, everything negative has money in it, you know.

No one's— no one— no one's making money when they're contempt. Yeah, you know. And it's like— and, and we don't— and but America is of course a beautiful— and it was, of course, and it was, and it was founded on the fact of free speech and alternative thinking That's why stand-up is thriving here. And the reason I moved here is because I want to practice. I want to see how far the rabbit hole of my own mind on stage goes. And the only place to do that basically is America, because the level of comedians is so high here because you have generations of free speech and it's beautiful and it's important to continue doing that.

And dude, and I'll say this, man, you've done something like— yeah, I got to watch you. I think we did some shows there last month or something. It was really great, man. I mean, I love seeing your clips. Your shit is so funny.

You're so funny too.

Thank you, bro, for just all the entertainment. I appreciate it.

And everywhere is beautiful in the world, you know? Like, even did my friend— you know what I stuck out recently? I met an old Iranian wrestler back in the day. I used to work in a nightclub in Melbourne. He was a bouncer. Iranian, they love wrestling. They're so homophobic, but their history is—

the Iron Sheik, wasn't he Iranian wrestler?

Oh yeah, they love— and I mean, yeah, they love I love wrestling. This guy just randomly reached out to me on Messenger, was like, hey, I heard you on a podcast, glad to see you're doing so well. You always used to be funny. I'm happy you found your lane. And he's in Iran. He's in Iran. So I go, uh, yeah, thanks, man. You good? And he sends me a picture, he's getting an Aperol Spritz with bitches on the beach. And he's like, no, I'm not where the war is at. And those things always show me You know, everywhere in the world there's a guy chilling somewhere, having a little cocktail or a fresh-squeezed orange juice, staring at us and trying to be happy in his own life. And whatever they tell— of course there's war and atrocities, absolutely, that's happening, that's confirmed. But don't forget, a lot of people are happy everywhere in the world.

Yeah, don't forget to be alive. I mean, yeah, it's easy to get stuck into the things that are negative. It's easy to get stuck because I'm like, are you good, dog?

And he's like, oh, what are you saying?

I'm chilling.

I got my parents, I got these bitches, and he's showing me beautiful ladies on the beach.

I just dropped my parents off somewhere at a museum. I'm fucking great. Yeah, yeah, I'm leaving them there for 4 hours. They think I'm coming to get them in 3.

There's a great falafel truck here. It's a beautiful day. What are you crying about?

I'm great, man. What was that last thing we were going through? There was one kind of closing piece I wanted to have about it.

Wait, can I take a picture with my camera of you? For sure. It's going to be a funny picture. I just like this camera. Damn. Okay, sorry about that. It's an old camera. And you know, Theo, you're so funny.

It looks new, that camera.

No, it's old as fuck. And you know, you're so funny that it's crazy that You know, I saw you as a kid on Real World. You know that?

Really? Road Rules.

Road Rules.

They had in your country? MTV.

Wasn't it MTV, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. And I remember when I met you, I was like, man, I know this guy as Theo Von the Comedian, but how the fuck— it took me weeks to figure it out. And I used to watch all that shit.

Did you?

Funny. Yeah.

Wow. It's funny that they had it over there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's interesting.

And it's great that you have this incredible podcast. I mean, you've had the president on, and it's great that you're, uh, you're like, um, just expanding the common mainstream media by just being a dude who talks to people. It's great, you know.

Well, thanks, man. I appreciate that. I've had the president on, I've had Ari Matti on too, and it's an honor. And, um, the first Estonian that I know, so really cool. And yeah, I would love to be welcome in your country someday. I mean, I know I am welcome there, but I would love to go there sometime time and, and visiting your home country. And, um, yeah, dude, we got to get to catch up a little bit more. And, uh, yeah, thank you for your time. Congrats on all your success. You have dates coming up. I know it says Comedy on State.

It's— yeah, it's arimaty.com. That's all my dates. I keep adding them all the time. I'm on tour. Please come see me. Let's have some fun. For sure. So much, Matt.

Have you been to La Jolla Comedy Store?

Never.

That was my favorite.

I'm shooting a special there.

You are? Let's go!

I'll never But I heard it was so beautiful.

It's just perfect. It's like there's no bullshit in there. They got Louie running on the piano over there. If he's in there, let him cook in the—

let him cook.

He keeps just the energy in there. And they don't play rap music. I mean, they play piano, right? Which I like because it sets the tone that what you're going to see here, sure, it might be messed up, but it's art, right?

It's art.

Whereas if you just like bumping some Lil Wayne or something, which is still great, it just gives a different energy, right?

Yeah.

So I love that they do that there. And, uh, yeah, it's just like, it's a pure thing. There's not like— they got popcorn and stuff. They're not selling people fucking, uh, crème brûlées or whatever, a little fucking Lego, uh, Lego ramen.

California people, I have— I, you know who I really love? I love Floridians and I love California people. California people, they know exactly what I mean. I don't mean LA. Yeah, I mean California. Yeah, San Diego, Orange County, all that shit. They're fun people.

They're the best, dude. That's probably— oh, there's no better place to like do the ocean stage. Oh, and the ocean's right there, bro.

I'm a big ocean guy, and that's what I really— it hurts me in Austin to live. I love Austin, but I'm a big ocean guy.

You know what, if they could fucking get a little bit of the ocean somehow— Rogan's got money, ask him.

Get us an ocean, Rogan.

Yeah, I bet he could do something. Yeah, yeah, he could text somebody. You gotta text Elon could get a straight of something to pull in there.

Every time the security line is too long at the airport, I always text you, I go, where's the airport? Yeah, yeah, this is a mothership airport, dude.

He could freaking buy Spirit Airlines. Somebody said he might do it. Oh yeah, you're crazy.

Just for comics.

Yeah. Uh, Ari Matti, thanks so much, brother. Thank you, Theo.

Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I'm must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my life out. I can feel it in my bones, but it's going to take a little