Transcript of The Suey Awards: Best Limited Fake | Hour 3

You are listening to the Dan Levitan Show in partnership with the DraftKings Sports app, now live in all 50 states.

Tomorrow, September 2nd, is DraftKings Game Day. Guys, I'm super pumped about this. There are so many things that we've had to keep secret over the last few days, so many awesome things DraftKings and DraftKings Sports have planned for you tomorrow. DraftKings Sports is celebrating football season with Free gas in Atlanta, Dallas, Detroit, Los Angeles, and the 305, Miami. Plus new offers and promotions throughout the day. Download the DraftKings Sports app now so you're ready. Use code Dan when you, when you sign up. DraftKings Sports is live in all 50 states. In partnership with DraftKings, the crown is yours. And tomorrow our show is celebrating DK Game Day in a very big and bold way.

Oh yeah.

We're broadcasting live from a gas station in Miami.

That's right.

To bring you the Show Olympics. Zaz represents The Levitard Show, 10 Day Tony represents Mystery Crate, Matthew Koka represents Nothing Personal with David Sampson. They will compete in a tire toss, a perfect pump challenge, and a windshield wash relay. And fans, you hearing my voice right now? You can follow along and make picks in a free-to-play contest on the DraftKings Sports app right now. Go ahead and do it. We put the link out on our socials. You can help decide with your voice who you think is going to win the Show Olympics.

So, Zaslow, are you going to be all show tomorrow at a gas station flipping tires?

Do you know how it is that this whole thing works?

And we're giving away free gas. Like, what other details can we give people so they can prepare for the idea that they need to get to a gas station? At what time are we going to tell people where the free gas is?

Dan, as you can imagine, I don't know if you picked up a newspaper lately, but gas in this economy is a great giveaway. So some of these things have to maintain a level of secrecy so you don't have an entire circus out there. Also, at no point did I say Zazz was going to be flipping tires. That was not in here.

It'd be so hard to flip tires.

For an entire show?

So hard.

That's not one of the Show Olympic Categories? No, no, no. A tire toss.

Yeah.

Yeah, he'll be throwing a football through tires.

Right through that hole.

The way that sexually suggestive boner pill ads do.

Yeah.

Are you gonna be out on, on the street all show tomorrow from a gas station?

I thought this liner was very easy to follow. We are gonna be broadcasting live.

I'll answer it.

Yes.

From the gas station that DraftKings Sports is giving away free gas at. We are going to use this as a sandbox to promote our incredible partners, DraftKings, giving stuff away.

I'm going to be doing all kinds of activities.

And Zaz is going to be flipping tires all show just to make you happy, because now we have to do that.

So we've got a couple of things over the next couple of weeks that I want to inform the audience on, and especially if you are folks who watch the show on YouTube. As I've told you guys before, we are on now in more places than we've ever been. It's not just the DraftKings Network. It's not just Samsung TV Plus or the Roku Channel or Vizio WatchFree Plus. It's not just DraftKingsNetwork.com. It's also Peacock and NBC Sports Now. And if you're doing it via podcast, it's Apple, it's Spotify, it's Amazon Music. It's also as a radio show, SiriusXM Channel 85. But what we're doing over the next few weeks on the YouTube channel specifically today, From 1 o'clock till 6 o'clock, commercial-free. If you're a Miami fan and you want to get excited about a very exciting college football season, and I think I can say this flatly, this is the most exciting expectation and the opposite of the Miami Dolphins season. It's the most exciting expectation for a Miami hurricane season this century. I feel like I can say that maybe 2001 is, if not this century, in the last 25 years, the last last quarter century.

This is a season of great expectation for the University of Miami. And from 1 to 6, this venture that Mike Ryan has gotten off the ground over the last couple of years with a lot of help, Caine's Insight, is going to be doing live programming on our YouTube channel and of course where it is you can get Caine's Insight, cainesinsight.com and on YouTube, wherever it is that you find these things.

But also next week we're going to have programming that is more than just our show.

David Sampson's show is going to start at 7 o'clock in the morning to lead into our show. And we're also going to have programming after that as well, after our show next week, as we try to expand a little bit, uh, the vibrancy of your mornings here and connect some things within our network that we've been working for 5 years to connect.

So next week is going to have, as we head into football season starting in earnest, is going to have a bit of a blossoming here where you're going to be able to get more live stuff over more hours just on our YouTube channel.

If you're somebody follows us that way.

Yeah, and if you have YouTube TV, NBC Sports sprouted recently a 24/7 sports channel, the old NBC Sports Network. That is live on YouTube TV and our show re-airs there. Thank you for the opportunity today on our YouTube channel. I know you mentioned it's for diehard Miami Hurricanes fans. It absolutely is. Every year we do Hurricane, but there are big-time national college football voices. I would venture to say the biggest national college football voices are going to be joining our show. My favorite analyst in all of the sport, Greg McElroy. He's joining us at 2. Then at 2:30, a great Hurricane— one of my dear friends, Kevin Clark, is going to be joining us with David Lake, who is one of the best information guys in the business when it comes to the Miami Hurricanes. Then Bruce Feldman is joining us, the Bear, and Stanford C preview this upcoming Week 1 matchup. Josh Pate at 4 o'clock. Brett McMurphy. Linda Fletcher, Mark Fletcher's mom, who famously drives to every game that the Miami Hurricanes feature in, in her RV now that was gifted to her by Mike— She's driving from She's already on her way.

So Linda Fletcher, who's an incredible mother, raised a tremendous young man, she'll be joining us and plenty of surprises that are also embargoed that I cannot share.

You were not here yesterday when I suggested too much outrage because that's what happens when you go against the norm, that we do away with all of the silly superficial packaging and just officially take college football and just make it minor league football, not just in name but in actuality, by removing the eligibility requirements that the toothless NCAA insists on enforcing, even though the NCAA can no longer actually enforce its rules, and get competitive labor salaries in a place where somebody who finishes college and can't quite make it to the NFL still has an ability to earn a living because you allow players to stick around for 8 and 9 years and do away with the idea that education is mandatory or classroom students is mandatory.

The illusion, really, the falsehood.

I'm not saying that kids don't get college educations, and I'm also not saying that college education is not important, although it's less important than it's ever been now that people can cheat their way through college football by just using AI. And now that the professors are using AI so they don't have to actually read your papers, like, college has never been worth less than it is now. And I'm saying that because, Zaslav, and I don't know the percentages on this—

You mean just in terms of value? Because yes, college has gotten a lot more expensive over the years.

Yeah, but I don't mean in terms of what it costs. I mean in terms of the value to people, given that you can now cheat your way through college by just having computers do your work for you.

Or you can learn the skills necessary to adapt to an ever-changing workplace.

Yeah, and unfortunately the degree has never been more necessary to get a job.

That's right.

So while you're learning less than ever, you also need that degree more than ever. It's a really great time to be a young person in America.

It's all a cartel. Anybody that's still paying off student debt will tell you that these things are super expensive, and the fact that they do get an education for a certain monetary value is important, and I still think it should be offered, and I don't think you're disagreeing with that.

Down levitar!

John, can you rate my Al Pacino from that billiard scene in Carlito's Way if I do it for you? I think it's pretty good.

Yeah.

Jonathan Sassolo!

You think you're big time?

But you're gonna die big time.

That is on my infamous scale of 1 to 10. That's a, that's a 7.6.

Solid.

Good job.

Good job.

Good job.

That's a Sui nominee right there.

Good.

This is the Dan Levitar Show.

I am not disagreeing with it. This is my premise, and I want you guys to think about this for a second, because speaking of cartels, what I mentioned yesterday is the NFL has an obvious monopoly. They are the most lucrative sports league in the history of Earth, more than $20 billion a year, and they get their minor leagues for free because college football is that. So they don't have to do what basketball has to do with the G League. They don't have to do what baseball has to do.

with the minor leagues, and I'm somebody who wants employees to be paid the most that they can be paid in competitive workspaces. When I tell you that this, uh, this NFL season, Zazz, there are gonna be players all over the NFL making a great deal less than certain college players. When I tell you that if a player finishes college after 5 years and doesn't make the NFL, that player doesn't have a way to earn money anywhere but in Europe where the salaries are abysmal on what it is you have to do to play professional football in Europe. You essentially have people who aren't quite good enough to get to the pros fail to make the Browns, and now Lane Kiffin tries to make him, uh, make them your tight end. And what happens is the courts involved, and the SEC and the Big Ten get real precious about protecting their powers on stuff. But all of them are protecting what are antiquated rules when I present to you as the fact, not the opinion, and the absurdity of the fact that all over college football there will be players paid more than professionals are paid to start NFL games this season.

That's going to happen all over the league. Once you've allowed that as the insanity of what it is that you're doing, you no longer have to play play by the previous rules of pretending that the books or the classes matter. I understand that people are precious about this, but what's wrong with my idea of just make the college programs full-blown minor league professional franchises that have to run on professional budgets and are trying to get the best players, even if that player is in his 8th year of college, because that's the tight end you want. He wasn't quite good enough to make the pros, but he's better than any of the kids you've got coming up that you'd have to develop.

Well, the part that I would object to is it sounds like you don't like how when a player finishes his eligibility at school and if he's not good enough for the pros, what does he do now? Well, that's— I mean, that's life. That's the job market.

That's also the argument for why you still offer college degrees, especially now if they have an opportunity to make money You have learned the skill sets and background knowledge on finances to do something.

That's literally the point.

With that leg up. And if you're going to say, well, let's be realistic about that, Dan, brother, at some point that's operator error and the onus falls on these young men to do something with that education that's being offered.

I mean, don't you— you are made aware that even when you get that scholarship to play football in school, somebody's there telling you this doesn't mean you're going pro after this.

Yeah. And I would say what Dan is saying is already here. Kind of. Schools operating on professional budgets. Let's stop pretending that this is amateurism. I think we're kind of already there.

But why not keep going is what I'm saying. Once you're already there, why not just keep going?

Because that requires collectively bargaining the sport, in which they have to come to an agreement with a representative for the labor, and they don't want to do that because they want to keep most of the cash for themselves.

And we want to feel the vibes on Saturdays.

No, but the vibes will be the same!

No, it'll be different though.

There's a lot that I agree with when it comes to what Dan said.

Yeah.

The NFL has had a free minor league feeder system for decades on end. Now, it is smart business for this league to see how the NCAA fixes this. But if I am government, and the government has been trying to inject itself into saving college sports, what I do is I leverage that antitrust agreement that the NFL has to have a monopoly in this nation, and I say, you come to the table And you provide some guidance, you provide some foundation here and a pipeline to get to the next level. And if you don't get into the next level, then career opportunities and training programs for people that go through that system and get rejected, whether it be broadcasting, whether it be scouting, front office things. I would really hold the NFL's feet to the fire and have them help be part of the solution over here. But I would also want the labor to have a seat at the table, and they very clearly Well, but this is what I'm objecting to, among other things.

But you don't get to have a monopoly and a free feeder system and get to keep all the rules the way they already are when you guys are sitting here and making the argument, well, a guy knows that if he goes to college, he might not make the pros. Yes, the odds are overwhelmingly against you being able to have a more professional career than after your minor league career, just like in baseball. The odds are overwhelmingly against it. But here's the thing though, Zaslav, when you say, well, you, you can get your degree in something, or you got your degree in something else and you can stop playing football— if you go to college and you study engineering, yeah, you've got a number of different places where you can work.

Not one.

Not one. You don't have to become a plumber after that because you, you've got one option. In football, you have one Real option to keep your career going. What if you are one of these players who's good enough to make $4 million a year in college but not good enough to play in the pros? Shouldn't you be able to keep making $4 million if there's a coach out there who still wants you to be his quarterback beyond a 4th year?

I mean, I would say no, because you're entering— like, you're looking at going to school on a football scholarship is okay, football was going to be my profession. Okay, fine, but you're entering a territory where, man, really limited opportunities for the job that I'm trying to get into.

Yeah, again, I disregard your hypothetical here. It's not just football for the people that are going to school on a football scholarship. They have an education.

But Mike, they can still do that. I'm not taking away the education from those people. I'm giving all of the people there the rights to get an education. I'm just making it more competitive for the money, which is what sports is.

Right. But, but, but your take is built on a fallacy because it's not just football. They have a better opportunity to hedge against their career. I don't. If I, if I'm out of this workforce, I am effed because I put all my eggs in what is tantamount to the football basket. And I got my career while I was in school. I wasn't even able to finish getting my BA degree. So no, they have opportunities that are incredible.

And the football is supposed to afford them the opportunity to do all these other things.

That's right.

Like a player like Quinn Ewers. who turned down way more money to return to college only to go to the pros, bet on himself, and it appears that that bet is failing. He has given himself a leg up already because he made millions in college to do something with his life. He's made unbelievable connections, and he also has a college education to fall back on. It is not this all-in type of proposition for someone like that.

But I get what Dan is saying, which is that If you had a situation where there was essentially an unlimited amount of eligibility for these college programs, Quinn Ewers wouldn't have felt the need to bet on himself that way. Like if, if the Texas Longhorns were the direct minor league program for the Dallas Cowboys and you could be promoted and demoted as many times as was necessary, just like in Major League Baseball. But if you were optioned, you know, that 5th time or whatever, now you're a free agent again and some other program could pick you up. You know, if you're J.J. McCarthy, you get sent down to Minnesota. to be a Gopher for reps, to then come back up to the Vikings in that program, y'all would be really excited about that.

The program? Yeah, the program. What's happening with him?

Well, he's got a country album that's coming out on Friday, and, uh, I don't want to promote it too much, but he's very eager to promote it.

Y'all are gonna love it. Uh, we'll get to that in a second. Did you hear that accent?

That accent's not from your part of the country.

Wouldn't you like to see— and again, I'm making the example absurd on purpose because we're already at absurd— I'd like to Sarkeesian to have to make the decision of whether he wants to have Ewers for an 8th year or whether Arch Manning is someone who can take Ewers' job.

And he did. He did make that decision.

But, but you know what I'm saying? To have it be even more competitive for the dollars and to have it be even more professional than it is because it's already at an unprecedented amount of professional and we're just pretending it's still amateurism.

I think your, your main problem is like everything that you're saying, we're already there. We're already there. I think the only thing that's missing is the most obvious thing, and it's why there are cartels, because they're cutting out the labor force.

That's what I'm telling you I don't like about this. And I just don't know where it is that I can push it to where you're going to find it palatable, because it's already been pushed to a place that people are not objecting to. Like, I've been really surprised that college football has not sustained any kind of prestige hit, even though it's become a kind of professional that would have been unfathomable as recently as 5 years ago.

I think that there's things that don't cost the NFL a lot of money that they can actually look at. Hey, we can get an ROI from this if you have them help establish some rules. And the labor force in college is far more likely to agree to that if they know that this is the same set of rules that's at the next level. If the NFL comes to the table with things like a job placement program for people that go through the cycle of the league, and end up not being able to cut it, then I think that there is some real good value here. You also probably have to silo it because everything that you're saying, there's probably someone that's over there that is a Title IX person and a non-revenue sports person saying, what do we do for this?

Yeah, of course. That's always going to exist. And you've still got a monopoly with a free minor league, and we're going to still keep pretending that all of this is amateur because people like to go on campus on Saturday and remember what it was like at the frat houses. 35 years ago.

Dan Le Batard.

I hope he goes to your town so I can laugh, because you think he'll make you a contender.

Who's that impression of?

The sports guy.

Oh, okay. Do some more.

What part of Massachusetts is that?

Let me hear some more.

Dave Demachek.

I don't do a good Simmons, but that's what I'm doing right now.

That's maybe the worst Simmons I've ever heard.

Hey man, that's a bad impression.

I'm the Heat media.

This is the Dan Le Batard Show.

We've got another SUI category to get to. Uh, this is Best Limited Fake. You can do the voting at lebitardaf.com.

And now the SUI nominees for Best Limited Fake. Zaslow's limited fake Moe Greene from The Godfather.

I'm Moe Greene. I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!

Tony Colatiude, limited fake George Costanza from Seinfeld.

Jerry, I scheduled the taks, I couldn't change it!

Roy Bellamy's limited fake Rose saying Vancouver Canucks.

The Vancouver Canucks!

Chris Cody's limited fake Bob Dylan.

Oh!

Zaslav's limited fake Varsity Blues.

I don't want your life!

Zaslav's limited fake Al Pacino in Two for the I wanna be John Anthony! Mike Ryan and Jeremy Taché's Limited Fake Pirates Offended by Peg Leg.

I'd be filing a letter over to my HR if you could so kindly read that for me.

Nate McLeod. That's all it says.

No, seriously, there's— open up this scroll. Oh wow, there's really something here.

He just wanted to go with his own joke instead of the one you were inviting him to.

Ahoy!

I have been repeatedly referred to as Peg Leg in the workplace. What I'm known Though known for me maritime enthusiasm, this be a step too far. There be no known correlation between scurvy and them loss.

Also, Dan confused 2 black QBs, and that should not go unpunished. Captain Jack Bobo.

Amin Alhassan, limited fake Chris Mad Dog Russo.

He's the voice of the World Series!

He's supposed to be right down the middle!

Obviously he's rooting his ass off for the Dodgers!

Zaslow, limited fake Nicky from Obsession.

Now, now, now, now, we were having a nice date!

Amin Alhassan, I mean, it's preposterous, Dad Leprechaun.

The Knicks hadn't lost in 45 days, and then 45 showed up. You think that's a coincidence?

Jeremy Taché, limited fake Fred from Sanford and Son.

I'm coming, Elizabeth!

Oh Lord!

Chris Cody, limited fake Tua Tagovailoa.

So I, I want to throw to them, but there's these— they're tall in front of me, and I, I don't see him. But I really want you to think that I know what I'm doing here, so I'm going to talk like I really think that they're just tall, so I just, I don't see them.

Is that your Tua?

That's my Tua.

I'll work on that. It's not terrible.

It's more of the tone of like, I'm saying something really important right now.

You have the cadence. You have the cadence down.

Because I'm really just trying to sound smart.

Mike Ryan and Tony Collodiudes limited fake Kirk Cousins meeting Fernando Mendoza.

I can't imagine how long that handshake is gonna be. It's gonna be a lot.

How you doing?

Hi. Great to meet you, Fernando Mendoza. No, no, it's an honor to meet you. What are you doing here? I can't wait to go on this ride with you. I saw you playing in Atlanta.

You do great stuff.

Hey, hey, big fan.

Big fan of yours?

I'm a big fan of yours. A big fan of how you approach the game. I like your family values. Oh, I love yours.

I love yours.

How's your dad?

He's great.

Yeah?

How's your family?

My family? Great. How do you like your steak?

Medium.

I don't season it at all. Incredible.

Mike Ryan, limited fake Lou Holtz.

I do love a gown. Being visited by the Ghost of Christmas The show's limited fake Stephen A.

Smith.

Bavaqua. Yeah, it is.

Has it overtaken Roshon Estevan?

Tiago Splitter. It's in the class. Bavaqua. Slava Medvedenko.

Caller's limited fake Tim Kurchin.

Dan, this week we had a walk-off catcher's interference for the first time It's 1971!

Roy Bellamy, limited fake James Brown.

This is a man's world!

Jessica Smetana, limited fake Adam Sandler.

Do you yabba dabba doo?

That's what I'm picturing this wedding officiating like.

Look who's here, it's Timothée Chalamet!

Chris Cody and Mike Ryan, limited fake Adam Sandler.

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today.

Is that Adam Sandler?

To join in holy matrimony! Travis, if you accept, please say sheebity-doo.

Mike Ryan, limited fake Christopher Walken.

So I put a bullet in his eye. Then I put 2 more in him just to make sure. So if you have doubts about what's gonna happen if you don't deliver, let me tell you something. I'll make gravy out of your little girl.

Dave Damashek, limited fake Chris Berman.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, look, uh, Dan, look, there are a lot of football teams out there. We picked the wrong ones on this day. Look, there are a lot of teams in the AFC East. But the Miami Dolphins are truly atrocious. Back on the Blitz.

Chris Cody, limited fake Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday.

On this team, we tear ourselves and everyone around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch, cuz we know that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing, between living And either we heal as a team or we will die as individuals.

Wow.

That's football, guys. I'm surprised you read everything perfect.

That's all it is.

Mike Ryan, limited fake Michael McDonald.

I haven't heard Mike's Mike McDonald in a long time.

I've been workshopping.

Be ready next week.

Oh, really?

You're You're gonna—

we're gonna— Perhaps a loopy, or I'll keep forgetting. This is very exciting. And the idea that we're gonna break out Mike McDonald again because he has— Do you want a chorus?

Zaslow, limited fake hitman from Scarface.

You think I kill women and children? You think that's what I do? And then he shoots him in the—

look at you now!

The Shipping Container, limited fake Ed Orgeron.

That's a practice round that he's like, all right, now Here we go.

That's pretty good.

Thank you.

Quite the foreplay there.

All right, 3, 2, 1.

All right, here we go now.

Does everybody have the right letters?

Chris is good at this. Don't tread on me.

We're not recruiting Joe Burrow.

Jeremy Taché's brother limited fake Jeremy Taché without Greg Cody knowing.

Greg's absolutely right. Uh, we're running around at the Jackrabbits' pace and, uh, running around in the Jet era. You know, the Miami Heat really are one of those teams you don't want to see in the first round.

He's a Beatle!

Yes, I'm George Harrison. I'm from the Beatles. And, uh, you know, Kalau Ware dominating last night on the glass.

Taser him, taser him.

All you need is love, am I right? Stop talking.

Kid Mero, limited fake Giannis Antetokounmpo.

The Milwaukee reporters are mad nice to him.

They ask him questions.

Oh, Giannis, do you consider this season a failure?

And then the whole—

the memory—

the Eric, Eric, Eric, you asked me this.

You asked me this before again.

Sue me now, baby.

Then I tell you, it's not failure.

It's not failure.

Tell that shit to the New York Post.

Chris Cody limited fake John Skipper to Linda Cohn.

Thank you, Dan Le Batard. I do believe Miss Linda will have to sit out a day of work. We will pay her, of course, but she can come back in 24 hours' time.

That was Foghorn Leghorn at the end.

Wait, I gotta get Dan's okay. You, you like that impression?

No, I do declare that it is a decent impression.

Jessica Smetana, limited fake misogynist Bane.

Should we talk about filet mignon again?

I agree with Joshua, it's a very expensive cut of meat, and if you eat it, you might turn into a woman. Or worse, a gay man.

Jessica Smetana, limited fake unfaithful Bane.

He had a public breakup with a girlfriend.

And he cheated on her, allegedly, with Cuban girls.

Yeah, I mean, it played out publicly.

Uh, what's a man to do?

Uh, he, uh—

Cheating is very cool, right, Tony?

No, I didn't say that.

Whoa, you were shrugging.

I thought you agreed with me.

I said when you get to Miami, things are different.

I mean, Tony, you're a cheater.

A man is—

a man, a man gets tempted. There's only so much he could do.

That's what I just said, and you disagreed with me because I just—

because I disagreed because it was alleged.

It was alleged.

Allegedly.

What is alleged? You just said the same thing that I just said.

I said it completely different.

No, you said it the exact same. No, you agree with me.

I didn't say the C word. Whoa. What?

Let's say it at the same time. 1, 2, 3.

Thank you, Dan. Amin El-Hassan. Amin, this is Doc.

Oh shit, what's up, man?

What the fuck are you telling me?

I'm not following.

Levitan does a whole show and doesn't even mention my name. I did not get fired. I retired of my own volition. You're out here spreading inaccurate reports like jobs. Where's loads when you need them?

Amin Alhassan, limited fake Barack Obama.

Did you see that?

President Obama?

Man, I was talking to Michelle, Sasha, Malia, and we were cracking up about it.

And Michelle said, you know who'd get a kick out of this? Ameen.

I'm flattered, Mr. President, but I think he actually retired.

Hey, hey, listen to me. He got fired. Now some folks are out. They want you to believe he retired.

Ameen Alhassan, limited fake fibula.

Ameen, it is me, fibula. I'm just calling on behalf of my good friend, Doug Rivers, and I want you to know that he totally retired completely under his own free will.

Dan Le Batard, limited fake fibula.

That's a bold-faced lie. I was trying to do— I was trying to do fibula and I did it poorly.

No, we know, we know.

That's a bold-faced lie.

Amin Elhassan, limited fake old-school internet connections. Evan Cohen and Mike Ryan, limited fake Zaslav.

You're a big guy.

I'm a small guy.

I'm Jonathan Zaslav on ESPN Radio. What a stinky impression that is. You're a big guy. That is a bad impression.

Who are you doing?

I'm a small guy.

Not awesome.

That is, that is not an awesome impression.

Jonathan Zaslav. Good impression or bad impression?

That's bad impression.

Bad impression.

I haven't heard a good Zaslav impersonation. Anyone that I've heard try and give a Zaslav impersonation You're not the real thing.

On ESPN Radio. I second that.

I know, right?

Yeah.

Well, who's talking?

I third that.

Is it me or me?

I'm a small guy.

It's me.

It's me.

And me.

And me.

I'm Jonathan Zaslav.

ESPN Radio.

On ESPN Radio.

Mike Ryan and Chris Cody, limited fake Zaslav family reunion.

You ever seen the SNL, the Sandler party? That's how I imagine the Zaslav party.

Yeah!

All with backwards hats.

Awesome. Awesome to see you.

Awesome.

You know about that missionary?

That's how it's done.

What's the spread? In unison, this Twitch. Thai food!

Tim Kirkchin, limited fake Barry Bonds.

How you doing, little man?

Amin Elhassan, limited fake Ben Stein.

Here's the thing, my dick is really hard talking about gambling.

Clear Eye.

Why do you sound like Shock G? Rest in peace.

I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

That's pretty good.

Right there in Brickell.

Greg Cody, limited fake Miami Heat broadcaster Eric Reed.

Tonight is not a monster night in South Florida sports. It's the 7th biggest night in South Florida sports history this year. That's the first time Zazz has complimented me this month, the 33rd time in his career.

Dan Le Batard, limited Warriors, come out and play, yay!

Jason Bonetti, limited fake Droopy singing Mary Tyler Moore.

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? It's you, Dan, and you should know it. With each glance and every little movement, you show it. Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have the town, why don't you take it? You're gonna make it after all.

Tony Collodiude, limited fake Christopher Walken.

Cock of the walk, baby.

Dave Damashek, limited fake Bill Simmons.

I hope he goes to your town so I can laugh, 'cause you think he'll make you a contender. I don't do a good Simmons, but that's what I'm doing right now.

Amin Elhassan, limited fake Wembanyama getting ejected.

Oh la la, I have to leave?

Okay, okay.

Uh, salut.

Let me say goodbye to all my friends, okay? Goodbye, uh, D'aron. Goodbye, Jeremy. Goodbye, Vassell. Goodbye, Johnson. Goodbye, cut-up Ryan. Don't mess up anymore.

Mike Ryan, limited fake RFK Jr.

I don't know how you're getting red zone, but I know how you're getting measles.

Greg Cody, limited fake voice modulator.

Hello, this is not Greg Cody. That kind of thing.

Okay, now—

Any questions? I do agree with Greg that—

Why are you talking so slow?

Dolphins need to win this opener.

It's because you can hear yourself.

It's kind of awkward.

What do you mean?

Greg, do you have a Back in My Day? A what?

I stand behind Greg for not doing Back in My Days anymore. You all have him singing songs and doing so many ancillary things that it's ridiculous, and you know it!

Talk faster!

Why are you talking so slow?

I'm talking at my normal speed! This is, uh, yeah, my wife loves this deep sexy voice, I'll tell ya. There you go.

How would you talk to her with it?

Yeah, baby.

What's your wife's name?

I forget.

You're not Greg, so, uh—

Yeah, I'm not Greg. My wife's name is Eileen.

Come on, Eileen.

I lean that way and you know it.

Mike Ryan, limited fake Dan's Dog's inner monologue.

This is Dan's Dog. I prefer a light sear on the tilapia, which is— I mean, let's be honest, it's a poor person's fish. Bottom feeder at best. We go high-grade salmon.

Farm-raised.

With a little couscous on the side.

Tilapia is a trashy fish.

It really is.

Sea bass, you guys pecan and cracker bass.

You think I am fancy? You should see the cat.

Amin El-Hassan, limited fake FBI director.

If the Miami Heat defeat the Victor Wembanyama San Antonio Spurs, I'll turn the heat up on their championship aspirations.

I don't think I can do this with you all show.

You can bet on it. The listeners know what I mean, Dan, and you can bet on that.

Good job getting that wrestling shit out of here. I thought Mike was setting it up well, but we showed him who's boss. Just trample this ass.

Chris Fowler is in the weight room.

One of my favorite Instagram followers.

It's so hard for me not to answer that voice.

Yeah, there was a little lull in the action and Mike just slid in to make sure there was no awkward silence and he did the wrestling thing, but I decided, fuck you.

I don't know what to do with the fact that the monologue is what's actually happening in my head.

We should go back to the wrestling talk. Go to hell.

Oh, now you're trying to be Phil Henry?

It's Henry.

No one's gonna notice.

I said Hendry!

Oh, you said Hendry!

Play it back, someone clip it!

Oh, now you're trying to be Phil Henry?

Mike Ryan, limited fake Greg Cody's inner monologue.

His heart is glad that Dave Hyde was canned.

There, I said it.

Speaking of cans, Miller Lite, that's coming tonight. We're gonna get safe drunk. That's right, drunk, but not really. Not on like the Greg Cody spectrum of drunk.

Drunk.

Safe drunk. A good 9-beer buzz. Just to take the edge off. Make you a little looser.

Tell me I'm wrong.

That is insanely accurate.

Yep.

9, I start, you know, laughing a little bit more. Drink responsibly. I always do.

It's a weekday.

School night number.

Yes, it's a— that is a Tuesday night.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Weekends, you'll never see me without a beer in my hand, straight up.

Well, I want to know, like—

9 is safe, 10, oh, 11, risky, 12 bushes.

Jason Bonetti, limited fake Boog Shambi.

I, uh, I wasn't told that there were, uh, rules to this, so I, uh, you know.

I didn't know you did.

I didn't know you had a Boog Shambi in your repertoire. I didn't know that.

You know, it's fine, but I thought we were friends.

lebitardaf.com is where you can vote on that all week. The SUIs will continue all week. And I'm looking at my television at what I'm assuming— yeah, this at the time of day has to be a re-air of Get Up. And there it is, Zaslav, can you feel it? Is Cowboys roster built to make deep playoff run?

It's right here.

We are back.

Go back. Go back. It is here. There it is right there.

You can put that question up any time of year, any year, and get content out of it. Not good content, but content.