Transcript of The Stan Humphries Provision | Hour 1

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This episode of The Dan Le Batard Show—

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DraftKings Sports.

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DraftKings.

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The crown is yours.

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So, folks, We teased it all week long. What?

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Y'all, we're getting ready for the world premiere of the full lyric video for The Diary of a Personable Fellow.

We gave you a snippet. We gave you a snippet on this program. We gave you a snippet.

We're all excited about it.

People are fired up.

People are fired up to hear The Diary of a Personable Fellow. And folks, we have the full lyric video coming at you. Right now.

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I got a story to tell y'all of a personable country boy who's only seen green lights. It's me.

I'm the country boy, and this is my diary.

Let's go. Everybody in the club, put your hands up. Wave hello to the personable fella. Everybody in the club, put your hands up. Wave hello to the personable fella. Everybody in the club, put your hands up. Wait alone in the personal villa. Everybody in the club, put your hands up. Wait alone in the personal villa.

Walking with a smile to the grocery. Want some grapes? Everybody smiles, they're so proud of me. Say I'm great. 'Cause nice guys finish first, man, don't you see? Like Tom Hanks. I've never been faced with no real adversity.

Daddy-O.

Everyone I know grew up white-collar.

Like Chris Hill.

This country boy ain't never worried 'bout no dollars. Country music. You might be shocked to learn I care about politics, but won't tell you how I lean, so just wave like this.

Healthcare would be chill.

Everybody in the club, put your hands up. Wave hello to the person over there. Everybody in the club, put your hands up. Wave hello to the person over there.

My accent's real and sounds like I'm a conner, hey. All right, all right, all right, I'm faking it, okay. Because I'm nice, nobody calls me out. In fact, it gives me confidence to sing triplets, and I wonder if If it's time, I should rap. 'Cause I've always been so established, man.

Who they're always gonna pick when I'm the applicant? And I'll always be the favorite of the management. 'Cause I'm never controversial in no ways, listen.

I am never hostile.

Sing the gospel of the enterprise.

Be rich as shit, take to the skies.

Got a number one hit, we're on the rise.

Everybody in the club, put your leaves and breeze in. Like me, the personable— Life is easy. Everybody in the club, put your hands up. White guy like me, the personable fella. Put your rhythm in. The guy in the club.

What he looks like.

That was the Diary of a Personable Fella. It's an authentic love letter from me to myself and all the green lights that I've seen. It's now available on Apple Music and hopefully some other streaming platforms sometime soon.

Oh my God.

And hey, authentically, like that was Super really fun, and I had a really good time doing that. Thank you guys for letting me do that. Comedy music, it's great.

Great.

Thank you, y'all.

Great bit. You're ascending to unparalleled heights, all while not having an opinion.

Yeah, that's right.

Never. I'll never— I want you all to know, y'all to know, I will never have an opinion.

And you're a country guy, just to establish that again.

Yeah, I'm from down south.

Okay.

Florida. I don't know how to say any of these. I don't, I don't watch them.

I don't know, something bad.

He's from Don's side.

I mean, he almost choked on something. Don Larson.

I'm a fan, so this is funny. Crimson and cream is your Friday?

Some of them. Some Fridays.

The occasional Friday.

I don't even know what that means. Think about it.

Take it for a walk.

I do. I think they call that a strawberry shortcake.

Yeah, my man.

Fist me.

I want the don't walk sign to show up. Take a walk. No, thank you.

Wow, Roy called it a raspberry beret.

Oh, no. Roy, my man.

Yeah, alright.

Hey, hey, 2 Americas becoming one, apparently.

Yeah, we're all adults. We don't care. I'm gonna just put that out there. Speaking on behalf of guys, long-term relationships.

Yep.

We don't care.

Never cared.

Never cared. Not once. Put a towel down.

Raspberry beret.

Ugh. What's become of this show? What's happened here?

A little bit of blueberry yum-yum.

This is what I'm trying to talk about.

Glenn Carano and Clint Sterner, things of that nature.

You're not parking your car in that garage.

Leon Lett.

Mark Bruner.

Mark Brunell.

Marco Coleman. Yeah, what he said.

Doug Cosby.

Terrence Mathis.

Percy Howard.

Percy Harvin.

But Percy Howard. Howard Twilly.

Damn, I can't do anything with Twilly. I thought we were supposed to build.

Yeah, yeah.

Pat Swilling.

How about this?

Tony Martin. We're dancing.

Oh, what's the Martin?

Uh, Marty Lyons.

I can't do anything with Lyons. There isn't a guy with the first name of Lyons.

But you could go—

Dan Campbell.

You could go Eric Hippel.

I could. Joey Harrington? No, I didn't like that one. That's the first one that I—

Leonard Thompson?

All right, let's do this. Harry Douglas?

Yeah.

Doug Martin.

Oh, Martin's tough.

Oh, wait, Marty is very difficult.

Yeah.

Well, can I go Schottenheimer?

Yeah, but whose first name is Schottenheimer? I was going to go Grammatica, and there isn't like a first name Grammatica.

I was thinking, Mike, because you're the only other human being who cares about crap like, like this is quarterbacks who started a Super Bowl who have 2 first names. Go.

Okay. All right. Hang on. I was not prepared for this.

What?

What? All right. All right. Hang on. Tom Brady.

Tom Brady is a great one.

All right. That's how we go.

Are we—

is this Mr. Lister?

You want to go Mr. Lister here?

Yeah.

They had to have started in— don't cheat.

No.

Hey.

I just want to see the Super Bowl matchup.

Come on, let's do this. Tom Brady. That's how I'm starting.

All right.

I'll come back with Jim Kelly. Nice.

Yeah, that's good. You've done that. See, what's unfair is you've done this before.

I've never done this before. I've never done this before. I just am fascinated by— All right.

Does this count? Cam Newton?

Newton?

Yeah. Newt.

Yeah. Newt's a real name.

Yeah.

All right. You've done this before and I haven't.

I have not done this before.

You've definitely done this before.

I am interested in the subject.

That doesn't mean there's I have— I've considered the subject. That doesn't mean I've done it before. Here's one for you. Len Dawson.

Matt Ryan.

Dawson's a first name.

Dawson works. Matt Ryan also.

All right, you go. Um, oh, are you about to tap?

No.

You're reaching for that rope. This is when Kurt Angle drags you back to the middle of the ring.

You can talk your stuff. I'm about to talk a name into the microphone that keeps this Mr. Lister going. That name is Craig Morton.

Russell Wilson.

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch, you.

I could go—

is this allowed, Roy?

I know you're now—

you're going to come down hard on me about this one, but Terry Bradshaw. You could be Brad, right?

You know, you could be Terry Bradshaw.

Works.

You can be Bradshaw.

Bradshaw.

Yeah.

All right, I'll go JBL. I'll go Kurt Warner.

Oh, no, Warner.

It was sitting right there for me the whole time.

Dang it.

I left some meat on the bone there. That's a bummer. Oh, Ken Anderson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't have to— you don't have to, like, be like, well, I guess I'll allow that one.

Anderson is a name.

Anderson Cooper is a name. That's another—

Tony Eason, was he the starter?

Eason is not a first name.

Eason can be a first name. It's a white people name. Eason can be a white people name.

Eason is not a first name.

Roy, you are the judge. Take it away.

Mike's right.

It's a white people thing.

It's a white people name.

There is no—

all right, then prove to me that there are 5 people on the big blue marble named Eason.

Eason is a name.

If there was a T in there, Easton.

No, Eason is a thing.

Okay.

Eason is a thing. Yes, Chris Cody is absolutely right. Where are we in the fantasy draft, by the way?

I think you're on the ground.

Round 2? Am I up here?

I gotta check.

Give me an update on what I've missed.

You got Stan Humphries for adding that S.

Yeah, and Doug Williams too, man.

If we're allowing Stan Humphries and Doug Williams, then I'm—

you know what I think is a name, actually? Steve Young. Do people go by the name Young? No one—

Young?

Young?

Young Thug?

If you think Easton's a name, then Young is a name. That's all right. Young Thug is a name. There's one. piece of evidence. There's no evidence of anybody ever being named Eason.

Joe Montana.

That's not a name. Montana.

Montana.

Montana is a name. That's a white girl name.

Eason Ramson was a tight end for Washington State and then played in the NFL for the Cardinals, the Niners, the Broncos, and the Bills.

What?

Montana is a real name? People go by the name? Now I think you're allowing it because of Hannah Montana, but is there a Montana anything? Montana Jennings.

That sounds like a white girl name. Montana's planning brunch.

There was a girl on Love Island UK who went by Montana. She was called Montana, as they say in the UK.

All right.

By the way, Dave, you're on the clock since you picked— you picked Jonathan Taylor. Then it was James Cook, Saquon Barkley, Justin Jefferson, CeeDee Lamb, Derrick Henry, Omarion Hampton, Kenneth Walker, De'Von Achane. You're on the clock.

You're on the clock.

All right, I am going to take— I have—

Does Matt Stafford count? That sounds like an old white man name.

Stafford.

Stafford.

Stafford.

All right, then.

Billionaire.

Is Burrow a name?

Is Burrow a first name for anybody?

No, no.

Very—

I feel like Mike Ryan is determining what people, what white people are willing to name their children.

I'm on my— I'm on my white people names.

Game.

I'm dialed there.

Can I go Aaron Rodgers? It's pretty close.

It's close. Rodgers horns me.

Rodgers horns me.

Thank you, Roy, with the assist.

Well, let's all be gentlemen and agree to the Sam Humphries rule as a provision.

Okay.

It's close enough.

We're all gentlemen.

Yes.

You have another one?

I might be tapped. Hang on. That ankle lock is locked in, cinched in.

I don't know all the names you guys have said. Have you guys said Chris Chandler?

Oh, wow.

Wow. That's a good one, man. That's a good one.

That's good. That's real good. You know, you know, Dave Marino.

Boom.

Doug Williams.

We already did Steve Martin.

Come on, Steve Martin, y'all.

But just trying to help.

Yeah. Grandfathered in via the Stan Humphries provision.

Yeah.

Does anybody know Percy Howard's claim to fame in pro football lore? Percy Howard caught one pass in his entire NFL career for the Dallas Cowboys. It came in Super Bowl X. It was a touchdown reception. Imagine that. Kind of cool. Kind of sad too. But, uh, Mike—

Kerry Collins.

Collins.

I'm pulling the Sam Humphries provision. Write that down as a podcast title too. The Sam Humphries provision.

The Sam Humphries provision is great.

Dan Levitar.

There's sunglasses in boxes today. Putting my bed in the hospital. Ending our lives all the same.

Jeremy Tatché.

It's the final nightgown.

This is the Dan Levitar Show.

I have my pick to make here now though. I took Jonathan Taylor already. I don't know the rules of the league, Chris Cody. Do I— is PPR a big factor here?

It is PPR, and I would call that a huge factor.

New game, quarterbacks with a last name that could be an old lady first name.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, I'll begin.

Yep.

Drake Maye.

Yep. Don Meredith.

Oh, wow. Jeez, man.

That was pretty good.

They're good.

Off the rip, dude.

Wow.

I, I— you win.

I have to choose from Chase Brown, Ashton Gentry, no thank you. Jeremiah Love, no thank you. I already have Jonathan Taylor, so taking a runner here doesn't make a ton of sense. I could go among the pass catchers here. Drake London, AJ Brown. I could go tight end McBride or Bowers, Nico Collins. Roy, how say you?

I agree.

You're good.

All right.

So I'm going Nico. I'm going Nico Collins.

If we're playing Uno on this new quarterback game—

Reverse.

Yeah, reverse is Fran Tarkenton.

Sir Francis. Mike, I'm starting with you on this one. We discussed preseason polls earlier this week and how dumb they are and why they shouldn't exist. But so long as they do, are you in your own top 25 people?

Oh, are we doing this like just like a hang or like morally?

Oh, it's a different answer.

Or is it just like you got to pull all those data points and you got to—

We're not at the pearly gates, if that's what you're asking.

Do I like hanging out with myself?

Well, I mean, listen, is the measure for you with anybody that you hang out with is whether or not they're getting into heaven? We've already played that game.

No, I'm not. No.

You don't think you're going to heaven?

Oftentimes I want to hang out with someone that doesn't think so.

A lot of my friends are going to hell.

Yeah, that's Donald Sutherland in Animal House, his whole analysis, right? Is it more fun to be bad than good?

But the thing is, like, I also Like, hell's a catch-all, right? There's some really bad people in hell, and— but there's also a lot of fun people.

There's probably some people down there that shouldn't be there, right? They're like, I shouldn't—

like, I didn't really hurt anybody.

Like, I was joking.

Like, why am I bunkmates with Mussolini?

So, Cody, Cody, do you think you're going to heaven?

I think I'm on the fence.

Really?

I think it could go either way.

Are you gonna— are you gonna effort the rest of your days to make it into heaven?

Uh, before I had a kid, I was definitely not going to heaven. I think I've done some good things with my daughter that Not Crimson and Cream.

I don't know if that gets you in.

Every other Friday night.

That might be one Friday night a month.

Correct.

Yeah, yeah.

Who is it at the— I, I don't know about the gates of heaven. Who is it? Saint Paul? Peter? He's at the gate?

One of those guys? Yeah, Peter.

Isn't that what he's gonna do?

Like, I think I've done a lot of good things, Peter, and everything else.

3 words for you, Chris Cody: Crimson and Cream.

My, my whole thing is when I get up to the, the pearly gates And they'll rat-a-tat and they'll have a lot on me. And it's going to be a lot of stuff that I don't want to hear. But also, like, counterpoint, where were you when Carson Beck had the ball at the 40? Yeah, I was like, you had an opportunity to make sure I changed my life forever because I was making some promises.

I'll just fall back on I'm a showman. I've said some things.

Who got hurt? Really? You're going to—

so you're— so your angle is going to be to explain to St. Peter it was all a bit, right?

He's going to be like, sister-in-law.

Yeah.

Like, I'm doing a thing. I will have a back and forth.

There will be a back and forth.

I was on the mic! Come on, man!

Yeah.

Rules don't apply there. You get what I'm talking about.

There's gonna be a back and forth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Speaking of sister-in-law, you can vote for the Suis. leotardaf.com. Voting is still going, I believe, at least to the beginning of tomorrow. All day today, all the categories are available to vote. You got to put an email in, but you can listen to all the individual nominees before you vote. The website's great. leotardaf.com to vote.

So what's the final verdict? Are you in your top 25? Where do you rank?

No, I'm not in my top 25. I'm others receiving votes.

After a rough year, I'm about 18 on mine right now.

You're in my top 25.

Really?

Yeah, you're in my— no, Chris, you're up.

You're close. Thank you.

Thank you.

You know what? Others, I'm going to do it. I'm going to put together a list.

Damn it.

College Mike's got to be so high.

College Mike's up there. Oh boy. Top 25 people. I'm going to— I'm going to get to work. So, Jeremy, don't sweat it. You're not on.

What about— is Ed Too Tall Jones on it? Randy White? Harvey Martin?

Harvey Martin?

You asked the question, though. Are you in your top 25?

I think I'm probably at the back end of it.

So, you know, do I have to know these people, like, personally?

It's a good question.

Tom Cruise is on there, and I know people feel a certain way, but I don't give a shit. Tom Cruise is on there.

People you don't know. The first one who gets a shout is Tom Cruise.

Yeah.

And I know that It's loaded.

But I got to tell you, I don't care. I don't care. That's how good Top Gun: Maverick was.

I— well, as I've told you before, and I'll tell you again, I've had the occasion to hang out with one Tom Cruise.

You did? Yeah. So like, I was at Daytona. And so was Tom Cruise. And I did this hot lap, which I thought I was gonna get in like a full tracksuit and a helmet and get in like a NASCAR and go really fast. Instead, I just hopped in a Toyota Camry and we putted along. It wasn't as thrilling. But I, I'm pretty sure in the pitch meeting I had already done the driver's meeting, which was cool. I went to a driver's meeting. Marshawn Lynch was there. AJ Styles was there. That was really cool. But I was like, no, let's do the hot lap because I didn't get to do the hot lap at Talladega. And then I'm on my phone after I just kind of, I, you know, we didn't go that fast, right? I wanted to go fast. So I was like, all right. And we did that. At least we drove on the track at Daytona and I open up my phone and I see how the driver's meeting's going. God damn it, Tom Cruise is speaking at the, at the driver's meeting. I'm like, I really misplayed that one, pal. I was really bummed because I don't get starstruck.

I'd get starstruck, I think, with Tom Cruise. That's the biggest star ever.

So as a part of, uh, if everybody missed it, the big announcement, Days of Thunder 2.

Annie, as he called her. Yeah, incredible chemistry. Oh, what are we thinking? Oh yeah, what are we thinking? Anne Hathaway is a new team owner that inherited the team and is being questioned, and she wants to send shockwaves through the sport, trusts her gut, goes with the old driver. Yes, that is the exact same plot of Formula One.

I was gonna say Any Given Sunday also.

Yeah, yes, yeah. And you know what? Play on. That's a great formula.

Will Hathaway—

What else could she possibly be?

Will she take Cruise as a lover over the course of this movie?

I think so. I think so. Do you think Nicole Kidman shows up?

I don't, I don't think, I don't think Nicole Kidman's there.

I don't think they're on good terms.

I don't think Bob Duvall is going to be there.

No, he's not going to make it.

No.

Yeah, it's going to be tough.

Maybe she's Bob Duvall's daughter. Is she a pit boss?

I once— Mike, I am with you on the starstruck thing. I'm going to name drop for you now multiple times. I was once, as, as we used to always do on Sundays, we would watch football at Jimmy Kimmel's house. He was the— he was and is the greatest.

You pick that up right now.

I want—

I want to pick that up.

I know I called it out before I dropped it. Before I dropped it, I told you what was coming. Yeah, the greatest host in the history of people, Jimmy Kimmel.

Really the greatest host.

Making, making pizzas for everybody and all the rest of us. Oh yeah, I'm a Conan guy. Brick oven pizza.

All right, well then, I love Conan. You know what? All right, different top 25 people that I haven't had the opportunity to hang out with.

Kimmel not in the top 25, Cruz and Conan in.

All right, this is going to get complicated if I include people I haven't had the opportunity to hang out with.

I know, because then you have to see Tashay on Monday again, and how's that going to make him feel after a long weekend? Or on Tuesday.

I'm aware, y'all.

All right, this is pretty high for Eagle Eye, but by the way, now that it's on my But it's not going anywhere.

Now that it's on my mind, Labor Day, I have to speak out against it once again, then I'll get back to the dumb story. The Labor Day, you guys are all celebrating this? I understand it's a company holiday. I'm sorry, what?

You guys are all taking it off? Yes, I'm taking it off. You understand what it is? It's the man's latest effort to dupe you. You're suckers.

You're celebrating work.

It's right in the title, labor. That's what you're taking the day off for? Well, I'm viewing it as—

Yay, work!

We love you!

This is about giving the labor an opportunity to rest.

It's our Shabbat. Labor Day is the Shabbat of labor. But listen, I'm not about to fall into the trap of the man and honor him and his OG creation.

Work!

I'm not gonna— I'm not doing it. I'm gonna work on Labor Day to spite the man. Take that!

What's your move, the man? Well, I'm actually also gonna work. See, that's the way somebody with dignity does things. You're not— I'm not gonna kiss the man's ass.

Or someone just looking for multiple paychecks.

Worst holiday on the calendar, and that calendar does include Valentine's Day. The corporate decision to— Roy, you agree with that one?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Valentine's Day. Don't tell me when to celebrate love. You know, you don't dictate to me. That's not a decision I make with the head.

365.

That's right. And I— and also, I'm resentful of Valentine's Day because in the creation of this holiday, there is no rule that the woman has to get the fella a gift.

It's only a one-way, one-way thing. Why do I mind getting you flowers and chocolate and writing you a lovely letter and all the rest of it?

When's it my turn?

And dinner. And dinner. Um, Roy, are you in your own top 25?

No, I'm not even in my own top 100.

What?

What are we gonna do about this?

Same note.

I think that's too far, Roy.

Put a smile on your face, Roy.

Yeah, I am smiling.

I, I'm gonna say it again. Talk about hot takes. I think you're delightful, Roy.

Thank you, I appreciate you.

Now, I was, um, I was at Jimmy Kimmel's watching football, and Jon Hamm is a regular at the— was a regular at these gatherings watching football. There's name drop number 2. And I was in the midst of conversing with him. There we go.

Name drop!

I was in the midst of talking to Jon Hamm, regular guy wearing his St. Louis Blues, his tattered old ball cap, and over his shoulder appeared a glow. In the archway of the door, it was Tom Cruise in a black peacoat over a black turtleneck standing in the door. He was invited over to watch football at Kimmel's, and he showed up 15 minutes before the game's ended, but who cares? And he brought his mom, but who cares? It was Tom Cruise. And man, Mike, exactly what you would expect it to be like is exactly the experience I got. I forgot about John Hamm. He was a, a Hamm and Ager all of a sudden once Cruise showed up. And Cruise came over and he shook my hand, and I said, hi, I'm Dave. And he said, hi Dave, I'm Tom.

Oh, that's intense.

I was the only person on the planet along with Tom Cruise.

Have you ever been starstruck by proxy?

I don't know what that means.

So like, I have a friend that has done some work with TC. Like, he gets the cake. The holiday cake. You're familiar with the holiday cake?

Yeah.

Yeah, that Tom, that Tom sends out to his close personal friends.

Oh yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, it's like a legendary thing. Do you know how that works? He's not in his kitchen making cakes and then sending them. Like, he— I found out how it works. He, uh, he contacts a bakery near, you know, if in regions, right? He's got this worldwide mailing list for the cakes, so he contacts a highly touted bakery, and, and he makes sure that they follow his recipe to the T.

Wow.

So he individually contacts these local bakers.

His assistant does.

Yeah, that, and they have to follow the recipe. And everyone, like, they've compared cakes and the taste test is very, very similar. And that's how he goes about it. But one time I had a friend that was work— that's worked with him before, and he's like, hey, come out to the bar, the bar that I'm a partner in. And the text bubbles were there, and there was like a, like a brief moment where I was like, is Tom Cruise about to show up to this bar? And I was like, ah, hyperventilating. He couldn't make it, but he responded right away. He's a very kind man to his friends.

Imagine getting, imagine getting a cake or a pie from Tom Cruise. That would be some victory in life.

Wow.

I, I've never met him, but he's on my list. He gets a pass. Ooh, Dominique Foxworth. Yeah, that— I'm getting close to— I'm getting close to this top 25.

Dan Le Batard.

The person who insists, um, that, uh, that—

Dave Demachek.

When they make a list of the great— first, well, the first one is when they say of all time.

This is the Dan Le Batard Show.

All right, here we go. It's time to play in honor of football season's arrival, Mr. Lister.

Let's go. Who's up?

Let's see a show of hands back there. Roy, you could be in. Mike is ready to go.

I could not be in.

Mike is good at this game, so I think he deserves to be handicapped against Tashay. Here we go. The category is League Leaders. in passing yardage in a single season in the 21st century go?

Oh no!

Who goes first?

Guy led— a quarterback led the league in passing yards at least once in this millennium. I'm gonna let Tashay go first.

Patrick Mahomes.

Tom Brady.

Tom Brady?

Well, let me just make sure.

Just because they won Super Bowls doesn't mean they, they transcend—

You're the Moss here.

And I'm thinking that second year with the Broncos.

Tom Brady in 2007 did do it. He also did it in 2005. Touché. Who'd you say, Peyton? Peyton Manning did do it in the year 2000 and in 2013.

Kurt Warner.

Kurt Warner had to have done it in the Greatest Show on Turf year, right? He must have. Let's see. He did. 2001, he led the league. That was not the Greatest Show on Turf season. That was the year that they lost to the Patriots. And Nola.

Drew Brees.

Drew Brees has to be correct. Yes, back-to-back. Oh wow, he did it 5 times, led the league in passing yards.

So do I win because of that?

Dan Marino.

I remember the— remember the borders I put on this?

I'm sorry, no, I don't. Well, what are the borders? 21st century. Oh, 21st century. I'm sorry, sorry.

I'll allow it to play on.

He can No, no, no, no, it's all right.

No, no, no, no, no, no. We're gonna let it go on. I'm impressed by Tashaé. Look at him. He's got the world on a string.

He's got it.

Listen, he's in charge.

I also need more time.

World's his oyster.

Can I, can I fix it? No, you should fix it.

All right.

Yeah, I was leaving it for you.

Tua?

Tua?

The Dolphin in '23? I'm not saying it might not be it, but if it was, it'd be in '23.

Tua Tagovailoa is on the list.

Wow.

There you go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Here's where I get nervous, but I think it happened once. Aaron Rodgers.

Aaron Rodgers.

Fitting for you.

I don't know why it's fitting for me. I'm vaccinated. No, he's—

he is not on the list. No Aaron Rodgers. Never led the league in—

First time Aaron Rodgers has ever let me down.

You fool!

I'm gonna give you another shot as a man that got this.

He should, he should be able to clean that up.

Yeah.

Okay. Not Aaron Rodgers.

I'm trying to think of some good— there's, there's some wacky names on here.

Tua. Anything wackier than Tua?

Well, 20— it's almost impossible. Yeah, 2019. 2019 is, is a stunner. And then you remember, oh yeah, there is a statistical oddity to this one that made it sort of like, yeah, he led the league in passing yards, but also he did that.

And so that's What about Matthew Stafford?

Matthew Stafford is correct. He did it just, just 6 months ago.

I'm torn between 2 perennial MVPs.

Some real wacky ones.

Wackier based off—

Yeah.

Gotta go wacky based off Damaschick's hint.

There's one, a guy who jumped onto the moving train. It was an offensive machine and then he got his crack at leading it and, and was dynamite. Maybe the best quarterback to play on this era of a real high-end offense.

Oh boy.

That's not much of a clue. Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Uh, can I go— um, let me go Josh Allen. I think I'm out.

Josh Allen is not correct.

Yeah.

Tashay, you are our winner.

What an upset!

This is great news for Stanford.

Was Lamar Jackson on that list?

Lamar Jackson wasn't on the list.

Was Ben Roethlisberger on that list?

Roethlisberger—

Brett Favre?

Roethlisberger is on the list in 2014.

Great job.

Is Jameis Winston on that list?

How about the fact that Ben Roethlisberger threw for 500 yards in back-to-back games?

That's a lot of talent. Yeah, that was why I was thinking, like, he's gotta be on.

Also wild is that Jameis Winston is on the list. He's the guy I was referring to as the oddity because he did lead the league in passing. He also led the league in interceptions. I don't remember what the total was. Yeah, it was a garbage total.

That was a great game.

Here's, uh, here is the, the wacky one. This guy won the MVP, if memory serves, Rich Gannon. The guy I was referring to, the best quarterback to play in a high-end offense, Dante Culpepper with the Minnesota Vikings in 2004.

That's the guy you were talking about where he was just the latest one to run that offense?

Yeah, but I think if you look back on it, Randall Cunningham, obviously the 15-1 year, as great as he was, and Warren Moon, but I think Culpepper was the one that sort of presented as, this guy's destined for the Hall of Fame, and all the rest of it. Wild one, Matthew— Matt Schaub. Is on Matt Schaub in a pinch. I don't think he deserves that. Wow. Although Matt Schaub is really more of a Matthew now that we look back on that than he is a Matt.

Oh, Matt Ryan. Speaking of, was he the year that they blew it in the Super Bowl?

No. And, and the one that I guess kind of makes sense, but now it hits differently. Deshaun Watson.

Mm.

Whoa.

Wow.

So spicy.

Do we want to go again? Do we want to go another round?

Yeah.

Can we go 20th century now?

Yeah.

Can you use Roy instead, Chris?

No, man, you did great.

Yeah, you were doing good.

You won the century.

Who are—

who are my 2 biggest— who are my 2 biggest University of Miami fans in there? I know, obviously, Mike.

Certainly not me.

It'd be Mike versus the 3 of us combined.

Okay, good. I love that game. That's a good one. Here we go. Ready?

I think Roy, is it you?

It would be in terms of like history, like knowledge of the program. I would put Roy probably.

Yeah, Roy.

Roy's a Limited knowledge.

Roy is the Dave Kingman of Mr. Lister. He strikes out a lot, but when he catches it, it goes a long way.

Roy and I versus Mike is a fair fight. I mean, probably not a fair fight. Mike's definitely got the edge.

I'm just saying, I put this one down. I put this one—

shit out of you.

Handicap match.

I thought this would be a heavyweight bout if we had Mike Ryan versus Zaslow. Then Zaslow decided to jump a plane and go off to Baton Rouge to watch Tiger v. Tiger, Death Valley v. Death Valley. So here we go. So Mike Ryan v. everybody else back there. Teams that have defeated Miami in bowl games. Mike, you go first.

Jesus.

Uh, Wisconsin about half a dozen times.

Penn State.

2009, 2017, 2018, to be accurate. Mike, you say Penn State?

That's correct.

The Fiesta Bowl. The gate— I think more than any other game, many other— any other event. I know that people in Miami maybe have a hard time really embracing this reality that you guys are perceived and continue to be perceived as villainous in the college football landscape. And no more— the incident, as it is in hindsight now, it's such a laughable thing, but they all wore—

The Army fatigues.

The Army fatigues coming off the plane, and that was enough. And the irony of that is that they were playing the good kids, the golden kids from Penn State, from Happy Valley. That's been turned on its ear ever since. All right, I've bought you enough time. Go.

Is it me? Oh no, is it right back to me? Rutgers.

We're gonna—

yeah, we lost to Rutgers in the Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl. I was there in the freezing rain. Like, you guys are gonna lose.

This was a controversial loss. Ohio State.

Correct.

Nebraska.

Nebraska.

I'm going through my contact list.

Wait a second, wait a second. Don't, don't be looking at any lists. You shouldn't be regarding any—

Formulating—

I'm formulating my top 25 people of all time.

Okay, Nebraska is correct.

Yeah, Orange Bowl, pal.

All right, okay, I was just making sure.

And they also lost to them in the 1962 Gotham Bowl.

Alabama.

Alabama, right? That memorable Sugar Bowl. Uh, who's the DB who comes and strips the ball?

George Teague.

George Teague. Very nice, very nice.

You're out of your depth here, pal.

I'm not out of my depth with anything. Maybe they are. I'm not out of my depth.

Yeah, we lost in a Sun Bowl to Notre Dame.

George Teague.

Who—

what did George Teague— what's his most memorable moment as a professional football player?

George Teague played for the Dallas Cowboys and the Miami Dolphins.

Yes.

Yeah.

What did he do when he was on the Dallas Cowboys? What is arguably at least his most memorable moment?

Uh, explain it to me.

Knocking Terrell Owens off the star.

Oh, that was T.

Yeah, I think so, right?

Yeah.

No, Emmitt Smith spiked the ball on the thing, on the, on the star. Okay, here we go.

All right, I went Notre Dame in the Sun Bowl. So Roy, what do we got?

God damn it, Chris, he's not even trying, dude.

I mean, there's low-hanging fruit for you guys.

The lowest of low-hanging fruit. You shouldn't have to say the bowl. We lost to Florida?

No, no, no, they beat Florida.

I think he sneezed. That was a sneeze.

Yeah, that was Florida.

Are you going to the mall later?

See if this gives you— see if you get any déjà vu here when you look at me, Dave, sitting in this room and Roy, you sitting in that room.

Oh, you're talking about Indiana last season?

Yeah, that's the one I'm trying to get you to pick up on.

Yeah, that makes sense.

We lost to Cal in the The Emerald Bowl?

That's correct. You did. The Emerald Bowl.

Yeah, it was in the San Francisco Giants ballpark.

It looked like when you said the Emerald Bowl and I said correct, as if you needed me to fact-check you on that, it looked like Chris Cody and Roy were shot at the exact same time or punched in the gut.

Yeah, because California popped in my head.

They both just slumped back in their respective chairs.

Remember they played at Yankee Stadium a couple seasons ago?

Yeah, he already mentioned that one.

Damn it.

Pinstripe Bowl. Nothing, fellas?

Come on, boys.

I mean, in lieu of a better option, just name a good football team that plays college.

Anybody can do that. Name a fucking bad one, because I got one.

Bad one?

I got a bad one we lost to.

Vanderbilt.

No, we didn't play Vanderbilt.

South Carolina.

Go ahead and look up that box score of the Shreveport Independence Bowl against Louisiana Tech.

Oh yeah.

Okay, you could do that, but I bet don't listen to your, your foe's advice and, and do bad teams.

Louisiana Tech.

Take legendary teams in the only land that won.

Did we get shut out by Louisiana Tech? Did we lose? Did we get shut— I think we might have lost 14-0. Look that up.

What the hell happened?

You—

the Miami—

the University of Miami, yeah, in my lifetime, in the last decade no less, lost a bowl game to Louisiana Tech? I have no recollection of that.

14-nothing.

You—

trauma.

Trauma, pal.

Trauma. We also lost to LSU. They literally beat the shit out of us. They were swinging helmets in a Chick-fil-A bowl one time.

I thought that was college baseball.

They beat the hell out of us.

Bucknell, Clemson, Syracuse, Colorado, UCLA, Tennessee, Arizona. You said Cal, Wisco, Louisville, South Carolina.

I said South Carolina.

Oh, but have you considered Matt Flynn?

Oh, we are back.