Transcript of 12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)

I'll be home for Christmas.

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Loan, Harry. Yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the 12 Days of TCV. I'm Brian Grein. This is the Uncle Eddie to my Russ, Chris and Joy Oatley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. And to you out there in the podcast universe. Here we are, yet again in the studio, helping you through the holiday season. I don't know how, but in some way, shape, or form, I'm sure we're helping you through the holiday season.

Just a lot of things that we're helping.

Yeah. Well, I mean, if people donate to our causes, then we're definitely helping. That's for sure. How else are we helping? I don't know. We're just putting more. We're putting more downloads into the universe for people to absorb. There you go. Thanks for joining us. Christie, do you know the origins of the 12 days? By the way, we just figured out that the 12 days of TCB is actually 13 days of TCB, since we don't know how to count on a calendar. So you're getting an extra episode. We'll actually be doing 13 days. Halfway through the 12 days of Christmas, we realized that it's 13 days of TCB. Do you know the origins of the song 12 Days of Christmas?

No, I don't think that I do.

I don't think I do either. Let's learn together. Let's learn. Let's get learned. The best known English version was printed in the Mirth Without Mischief, a children's book published in London in the 1780s. Something about the northern castle of New Castle and the Tine and the Partridge and the Peritree and all that other stuff. But here's the more important question. Can you name the 12 days of Christmas?

Oh, gosh.

Come on, I know you can do it.

Well, Partridge and a Peer tree.

Okay, that's the easy one.

Okay. I mean, I'd have to sing it.

Okay.

On the first day of My true love gave to me. A diamond ring?

Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pair tree. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Partridge in a Peer tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Two doves. Two turtle doves and a Partridge What is it? Five diamond rings.

I knew there were rings in there.

Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pair tree. On the sixth day of Christmas, which would be today on the TCV, There's no 13 days. We're going to make up the 13th day. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

Six flying nuns.

Oh, flying nuns. Six geese laying. By the way, what? 6 geese allaying? Only in Old English. Is geese allaying, geese allaying an egg?

I was thinking that's a two for one deal.

Yeah. Six geese and a laying. Oh, 6 geese and a laying. There you go. Six geese allaying, five golden Rings, four, calling birds, 3 French hens, two, turtle doves, and a partridge, and a pair of tree. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

I don't know.

Seven swans are swimming, 6 geese allaying, 5 Golden Rings, four. Calling birds, three, French hens, two, turtle doves and a partridge, and a peer tree. What murderous motherfucker decided to write this goddamn torturous song? Now, why am I singing it? Because I really don't know the lyrics, and I'm so interested Can you hear them. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

Eight rocks.

I think this is some pervert that made this up. Listen to this one. Eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, Seven semenexes swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings showers, four calling birds, as in birds, women, three French hens. We all know what that is. I mean, if you haven't tried a French hen in bed than you don't even know. I've been French hen and- You're not living. I've been French hen and astrid for years. That's how this gringo got astrid. She was like, What is that? I was like, That is the French hen. The French hen. I hide on you like a little squatting bird. I twaddle my wings as I bounce on top of you. I give myself a blowjob. It's a French horn, a French hen. Okay, so that's it. We've got eight maids of milking, seven swans of swimming, six geese of laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle duff, and a partridge in a bear Oh, this guy's definitely a perp. Listen to this one. On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Nine strippers dancing, nine ladies dancing, nine ladies dancing.

This is a porno song.

Nine ladies dancing, eight maids of milk, and six swans of swimming, six geese getting laid, four golden rings, four calling birds, three French horns, two turtle doves, and a partridge, and a pair of Now, here we round the corner, and it's for sure without any doubt, this is perverted.

On the 11th day of Christmas. On the 10th day of Christmas. Oh, my true love gave to me. What? Well, I didn't know the 1780s were quite so liberal, but here we go. Ten lords of leapings. Oh, yeah. Lords of leapings. If you try a French horn with a Lord leaping, if you're a leaping Lord that tries a French horn, you're a bottom, and you know all about it. All right. Ten lords are leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids are milking, seven swans are swimming, six geese are laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle duff, and a perp in a bear tree.

Oh, this guy's definitely a perp. Listen to this one. On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Nine strippers dancing, nine ladies dancing, nine ladies dancing. This is a porno. No song.

Nine ladies dancing, eight maids of milk, and six swans are swimming, six geese getting laid, four golden rings, four calling birds, three French horns, two turtle doves, and a partridge, and a peartree. Now, here we round the corner, and it's for sure without any doubt, this is perverted. On the 11th day of- Ten. On the 10th day of Christmas, oh, my true love gave to me. What? Well, I We know the 1780s were quite so liberal, but here we go. Ten lords of leaping. Yeah. Lord's of leaping. If you try a French horn with a Lord leaping, if you're a leaping Lord that tries a French horn, you're a bottom and you know all about it. All right. Ten lords of leaping. Nine ladies dancing. Eight maids of milking. Seven swans of swimming. Six geese of laying. Five golden rings. Four calling birds. Three French hens. Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pair of tree. But On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me more portal things. Eleven pipers pipping.

A lame pipe?

Eleven Eleven Piper's laying pipe. Eleven Piper's pipping, 10. Lord's a leaping, nine. Ladies dancing, eight. Mates of milking, seven. Swans a swimming, six. Geesa laying, five. Golden rings, four. Calling birds, three. French hens, two. Turtle doves and a partridge in a bear tree. All right. Well, I guess they have to- Finale. They can't end it in poem, so they go back to something more Christmasy. On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. 12 drumers drumming, 11 pipers pipping, 10 lords of leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids of milking, 7 swans of swimming, Six geese of laying, Five golden rings, Four golden birds, Three French hens, Two turtle duff, and a partridge, and a pair of tree. All right. I think it's the first time I've ever That song, ever. That's the first time I've ever known what's in it. Now I'm realizing half of it is porn. It is. That's what it is.

What's the 13th?

Well, okay. In the 13th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a break from TCB.

That's the gift that keeps on giving.

Twelve drummers drumming, 11 people laying in pipe, 10 lords laping over each other, nine naked ladies. All Okay, that's it. There's the 12 Days of Christmas for you.

I'm glad you reminded me. I remember learning it when I was small, but I did not remember everything.

Yeah, I remember doing the Christmas recital. I remember Little Drummer Boy became a favorite song of mine because I learned how to play it on the… What do they call that? The drum? No, the accordion. But it's not an accordion. It's like a… Keyboard? Is it a harpon or a harpen? Oh, a recorder. Oh, the recorder. Where you press the button and you strum and then it…

No, the recorder was the little flute thing.

No, okay, that's a different thing. It's a little like…

A harpsichord?

Maybe it's a harpsichord, but you would just press the button and it would make a key. But it had the names of the keys on it, so it was made for little children to play. It wasn't like some complicated thing. It was like you press this button or that button, and then you strum it, and it made a certain noise. We learned how to play Little Drummer Boy, which really has one note in it the entire time. I mean, it's not that hard to play. But Little Drummer Boy, what's the best Christmas song? Traditional Christmas song.

Oh, my favorite is Rocking Around the Christmas tree.

I don't know if that's a traditional… Think of a Judeo-Christian Christmas song.

Good King Wins his Loss.

That's a good one. Good King is a good one. I like that one. I think Little Drummer Boy is my favorite. But then, of course, is Ave Maria? Would that be considered a Christmas song, maybe?

Probably. We should ask Jeff's mom.

Jeff's mom?

Why does she- Her name's Ave Maria.

Her name's Ave Maria? Yes. Her name is Ave Maria? Yes. Really? Mm-hmm. So you call her Ave or you call her Maria?

I call her Ave.

You call her Ave? Wow, that's really intense.

They're a very Catholic family.

Have you guys heard the rendition of Ave Maria, a different style by David Biesball?

I don't think so.

David Biesball? Biesball. Biesball? Yeah.

He's a Latin American artist, and it's very party-forward. Oh. Ave, ave, Maria. Nice. I love his music videos. I love the dancing.

There's some good versions.

David Biesball. David Biesball, Cuban professional baseball player. I guess I'm not talking about the That's not that one. That's not the same one.

The other one.

Hold on one second. B-i-s-b-a-l. Okay, give me one second. Christmas song. Let me give you a list of songs. You tell me which one you like the best. You tell me which ones you're partial to. You ready? Sure.

Okay, here we go. Let's do it.

The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole, Felice Navidad, Jose Feliciano, which is a favorite around my household.

Yes, I love that one.

White Christmas by Bing Crosby. Deck the Halls, Frank Sinatra. Do You Hear What I Hear, Bing Crosby, which is a great one. Jingle Bells by Frank Sinatra. Although I don't really think of Frank as a Christmas guy. I think more of him is like breaking my legs in a dark alley guy. But okay, here comes Santa Claus by Jean Autry. But Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen. In my opinion, is Santa Claus Coming Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to Town. Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Santa Claus is Coming to Town. If we're really at a Bruce Springsteen show, that goes on for three hours. Hey, but sing it again. Clarens, another sax. Santa Claus is coming to town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Santa Claus is coming, New Jersey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Santa Baby Martha Kit? Mm-hmm.

That's a real classic.

Do They know It's Christmas? Wham. That one from Wham? Well, I mean, there's the other one by Wham, too. Last Christmas. The Last Christmas, which one of my kids is He's incessantly singing. I love that song. The other day, he was incessantly singing it. If you know me, then you know that... If you know me, and that means to listen to more than three seconds of the commercial break, then you know I'm a bit of an oddball, a little bit of a goofball. When I sing songs or I hear them repeatedly, I start making up my own lyrics. Usually, those turn into comedy, and usually poop or pee is the first thing I go to because I'm a three-year-old in my mind. He's like, so he gets... One of my kids goes to the bathroom. He uses the restroom. He comes out of the restroom, and I go, Oh, number one or number two. He's like, Oh, it's number two. I go, Oh, okay. I was like, so he starts singing Last Christmas. I go, Last Christmas, I made a big poop, but the very next day you flushed it away. This year when it comes out my rear, I'll give it to someone special.

Okay. And what did he think?

Well, it's the best thing that has happened ever. Like, dad made up the best song ever. Now he's singing it. Can we make a video? Of course we can. This is all happening around bath time, right? I have very young children, so I need to help them with bath time. Yes, it has to be fun. They really do all of it. It's fun, and we're having fun. This is going on for 30 minutes. I am embedding this song into his head, into a kid who remembers everything. He's an elephant. He remembers everything. He runs down to go have dinner. Dinners on the table, and I'm getting changed, whatever. All of a sudden I hear, Brian Green. I'm like, Uh-oh. She found my Instagram search page. I'm like, Uh-oh. I'm like, What? She's like, Don't you go. You cannot I'm not telling these kids these songs are going to go to school and then they're going to get in trouble. Everyone's going to get in trouble. I'm like, No, he's just fun. I'm like, Listen, kid, this song is for this house and this house only. You cannot repeat this. So let's just get it out of our head.

Let's sing the regular version, which is also a little weird, too, but okay, wham. We're going to sing wham, the wham version. He says, Okay. Last night, as we're going to bed, one of my daughters started singing the exact same song to Astrid. Astrid's like, I told you, they're all going to get kicked out of school. I'm like, A little pee and a little pooh. It's never heard anybody. I mean, listen, my son will be the hero of his very young age classroom if he sings that song and he does it well. Do you know what I'm saying? I do. For sure. All right. Despite all that we bitch about Blue here around the green household, we really are animal lovers. I saved a fucking squirrel, for God's sakes, a baby squirrel, which carries hepatitis or something like that. I went to great lengths to save that squirrel. I drove in the rain 20 miles in my air-conditioned car to get that squirrel to safety. Now, listen to The ASPCA does a great deal of good. While they have those terrible commercials that everyone hates, there's a good reason why. They tuck at your heartstrings so that they can save animals and make sure that these animals, even when they're left abandoned by shitheads who do not understand the responsibility of having an animal, they try and make sure that they get to good homes and do the best they can to do that in a no kill way.

The ASPCA is today's charity. Now, some of you have written in and talked about this also, so we are going to give it a little love. If If you would like to donate to the ASPCA and help cats, dogs, and other animals find loving homes and stay out of the kill shelters. I'm not saying they never get put down because that is just not a reality of life, but help them find a good home, give them some cash so that they can do well and make sure that these animals could save, especially after disasters. This is the one thing that really sucks, is that if you're in a disaster and you're choosing, you want to keep your animal with you, but life circumstances, it's either you or your animal. There are tough choices that need to be made. The ASPCA can come in and help in those situations. They do do a lot of good. Please help us by donating to them. Link in the show notes. If you donate to any of our causes, send a screenshot. We will send you some schwag with love from Chrissy, Christina, Astrid, and I. We'll take a break, and we'll be back.

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Okay, and we're back. Tell me the worst Christmas gift you have ever received.

The worst Christmas gift.

Be honest. You got to let them know.

I think a mirror.

You got a mirror for Christmas?

I did one time, yeah.

From a guy? Yes. Oh, no. Take a look at yourself before you leave?

No, it was like a fancy mirror. Okay. Well, the fancy mirror. He was working at a furniture store at the time, and I was in high school. But it was maybe not the best present.

What did you interpret that mirror to mean? What was the symbolism? Like, take a look at yourself before you leave the house or something? No.

Take a look in the mirror. Like I said, it was a nice mirror, but that just popped in my head when you asked me. Okay. I mean, my least favorite one. That's your least favorite. I didn't think it had any crazy meaning behind it, but I think he just happened to work in a furniture store and get his discount.

I wonder what's going through his head. Like a nice chair or a nice couch, a love seat. Everybody needs a good end table, right? Don't we all need a good end table? I do. I don't know. Then you pick the mirror. That is a weird choice, but it's certainly a man choice. It's a choice from a guy who probably doesn't have, I don't know, doesn't have much anything else. Was he the guy who would spend most of the afternoon on Sunday watching football? Yes. Okay, there you go. Just checking. Christina, worst gift you've ever received?

Well, let's see. Every single year, I get bandaids from my family. Oh, bandaids? My mom gives me a pack of bandaids. Like a stocking stuff? Every single year. Yeah, but it's like- You can always use bandaids.

I think they're very handy, but every year, I'm like, What bandaids am I going to get?

That was the thing.

Last year, I think they were unicorns.

She gets you like, play bandaids.

No, they're real bandaids, and I really use them. But they're like, for kids. So last year, I was in charge of my mother's stocking, and I gave her bandaids.

Well, then there you go. She got her come up. Band aids have become quite the commodity in this household.

For sure in your house.

We have 10 boxes of different charactered band aids. If one kid gets a booboo, and I mean the smallest of booboo, one that does not even... I keep on explaining to them, band aids are for blood. Band aids are for blood. If there's no blood, there's no need for a bandaid. That doesn't fix a bruise. It doesn't fix It doesn't fix the bruised ego. It doesn't fix that your brother kicked you in the ribs. It doesn't fix that stuff. But it doesn't matter to their little minds because all they care about is having Hello Kitty or whatever it is on their body. It doesn't last but five seconds because they always rip it off right away, and then they play with it, eat it, and stick it in their hair and all this shit. How many hundreds of boxes of character-related bandaids have we gone through in this house? Because when one kid gets a booboo, all of them have a booboo. Someone will come to me, Daddy got a booboo I made a thing.

Christina, if you have extra bandaids, this is a good house for them. Give them to our house.

We'll take them. That's right.

Funnily enough, it started because as a kid, I used to use so many bandaids. Why? I just used to always get cuts on my fingers.

So you were known for being the bandaid girl?

Yeah, I was known for having bandaid hands.

Okay. All right. So your mom's getting back at you for years.

She just never forgot it.

Yeah, that's right. I would say the worst gift that I have gotten, and I think we may have had this question back in season number one, we were doing that fishbowl thing where we were pulling questions out of there. I think the worst gift... I know the worst gift I have ever gotten was for my former brother-in-law, former brother-in-law, who was one of my favorite humans on Earth. His name was Charles, and he was a gay man, and he was a very fashionable gay man. French aristocrat, high society gay man, always dressing nice, always looking nice, always smelling wonderful. He gave me no shit like a subscription to Hair Club for Men when I was 26 years old, as well as some peroxide shit that you put on your head. The Minoxidil. Minoxidil. He got that for me as a gift. He had no idea how badly this hurt my feelings. No idea. He was like, What? I know you want to look good, so I'm helping you. I'm like, Helping me what? Grow back my He's like, Well, it's no secret, Brian. Everybody can see. I was like, Thanks, Charles. I appreciate it. Worst Christmas gift ever for sure.

I think probably in a couple of days we'll get her on the phone. But my mom is certainly the... She's an equal opportunity destroyer of hopes and dreams around Christmas gifts because my mother has got to be the worst gift giver consistently on a consistent basis. Yes, let me give you an example. I am 25, 26 years old. Remember, I have a twin brother. I'm 25, 26 years old, so that would have been sometime in the 2000s, right? Sometime in the 2000s, long after 1982 has gone. But my mom was still pandering under the delusion that I was a four-year-old boy because when I opened up her gift, her big gift to me was a full head-to-to Jean outfit, Jean jacket Jeans, shirt, pair of jeans, white socks, white crew socks. She was like, You can pinch roll them. They were acid while she was like, You can pinch roll them. I'm like, Pinch roll them? Mom, no one pinch rolls anymore. What are you talking about? That jean jacket, Chrissy, was the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. But what was made worse was when Kevin opened up his gift to realize that he got the exact same outfit.

Oh, matching. Yes. Kevin and I had matching jean outfits. Now, we humor, we use it a lot to defuse emotional situations in my family. Kevin and I were running a little hot that my mom had decided to get us jeans. We made a big joke out about it. Jean jackets, mom, don't get jean jackets. You don't get jean jackets. That's not what happens. The very next year, my mom decided to go to Kohl's and get Kevin and I, flambed Flannel jackets, the kind you wear to chop wood. Do you know what I'm saying? Not the stylish kind, but the kind you use to chop wood with thick cordyroy pants. So now we look like true woodsmen. And it wasn't just me who got it, it was Kevin who got it. So the year number two, my mom fails.

Clothing gifts are tricky. Yes. They are.

Year number three, I think we each got a carton of cigarettes with a brand new ashtray because your mom's helping you die. Well, you used that. I got a six-pack of Bud Light one year. I think that's what I got from my mom. Then eventually, my mom wised up that she was trying to pick us fashion choices Listen, when you're a mother, you'll always be a mother. When you're a father, you'll always be a father. You're always going to want to dress your babies. I'm sure that that's true. I'll know that when I'm 72 and my kids are nine, I'll realize that. But what my mom wised up to was, why don't I just give the boys gift certificates so that they can go and do their own thing? Great call, unless mom gets us gift certificates to... What was the store? Wollworth? Do you remember that store, Wollworth? They don't even exist anymore. Yes, there was like one in the Greater Chicagoland area. I don't know how she got these gifts. I think she asked my grandma to send them to us. Wollworth, where am I going to get Then one time it was the Burlington Coat Factory.

The Burlington Coat Factory, Mom.

I remember that place.

Is that where all the kids are getting cool clothing? Is the Burlington Coat Factory? Of course, my mom was always known to make super special... Listen, Christmas was such a special time when we were very young children. Then our parents divorced, like a lot of parents do, divorce for a lot of different reasons. When they divorced, my mom went to live in an apartment and my dad stayed in the house. My dad did his best to make the Christmas is special, and my mom did her best to make the Christmas is special. But I think when they weren't together teaming up to make the Christmas is special, it just something got lost. Yeah, I can see that. My mom would decorate her apartment. She had this fake tree that would bend at an angle and like, tinsel and stuff like that. It lost its luster just a little bit. I'll tell you when I think it really hit me that it's lost its luster, was one year, I think this is the same year that we got the cigarettes in the ashtray. We come in, it's Christmas Eve, and my mom has got the oven on, and it smells good in the house.

That was different. That was different, yes, because it never smelled good when my mom was cooking. God bless her soul. But it smelled good. I was like, I wonder what we're having. It doesn't smell like traditional Christmas food. My mom said, It's a surprise. I know you're going to love it. I know you kids are going to love this. I've been thinking about this for weeks. I made a decision I'm going to go with it. I know you don't always love my cooking. You're going to love it. We all sit down for dinner and my mom pulls out trays from the oven that had been warm, two of them separately. She puts them on the table and they have these tins with the cardboard top, and both the cardboard tops say Pizza Hut pasta. My mom got Pizza Hut pasta bowls for Christmas, and I'm telling you what, it was all it was cracked up to me. It was fucking terrible. It was. It was Pizza Hut cooking pasta bowls. I mean, you would think, how hard is pasta to fuck up? If you're making the pizza, you can make the pasta. No. But I didn't see any pots of boiling water over at Pizza Hut when I went there.

I mean, I don't think those were coming in the door fresh. It was terrible. It was just like the... To me, it was a bit of a sad moment. Funny, but a bit of a sad moment. It is. She was Because I was like, My mom's trying so hard to make Christmas is special, and she just can't win for losing. I mean, it's absolutely has destroyed any notion that Christmas is special in any way by bringing. I go, Mom. She goes, You don't like it? I'm like, It's Pizza Hut for Christmas. I go, I know. Okay, I appreciate the effort, Mom, but how did you even think of this idea? She's like, Well, I called them and I asked them if they were open on Christmas Eve, and they said yes. I thought, Great. Let's do pasta from pizza. I saw a commercial. It looked great.

They do make it look good on the commercials.

Listen, they do make it look great on the commercials because that's what the people who make the commercials are paid to do. Exactly. They're not getting their pasta from Pizza Hut. They have professional chefs that do that shit. There is no pasta chef at Pizza Hut, I can guarantee. No.

That's probably why they do not have those pasta bowls anymore.

But now Domino's does. Oh, they do? I think it just makes its way around the pizza universe. I think Throw some pasta. That's right. I think there's a company who makes pasta bowls for pizza places, and they win the big contract and realize that it's a loser, and then they move on to the next big pizza brand. It's like, one moment Pizza Hut has it, the next minute Domino's has it. Little Caesars is next. Little Caesars Pizza Bulls. That's why I can appreciate a Little Caesars. Listen, if I'm going to have pizza on the holidays, which is not the worst idea in the world. I'll be real honest with you. No, it's really not. We've already determined that Brian is not a big fan of the traditional clucking and chucking dinner with ham and turkey that gives you salamonella. I'm okay doing a taco Christmas. I'm okay doing a pizza Christmas. Yeah, make it fun. One year, we did our own pizzas, and we cooked them in a pizza oven at my dad's house. That was fantastic. I'm okay with that. But let's not go to Pizza Hut for Christmas Eve. If I'm going to have a pizza on Christmas Eve, I'm going to have a pizza from one of the boutique pizza places around here.

Well, there's tons of now, but maybe back then there weren't that many. No.

It was like, Everybody in every city around the world has Antonio's Pizza, Tony Romo's Pizza, Bob's Pizza. You know those pizza That's what I'm saying. There's a lot of places that have been in your neighborhood for years, but you don't know anybody who's ever gone there. But on Friday nights, there's a lot of cars out from. Everybody has one of those pizza places and has forever and ever. But it isn't until very recently, and I think Atlanta might have been one of the places that started this trend. To have these very boutique pizza places that have wood-fired ovens I had flown in a helicopter from Italy for 700. From Sicily. From Sicily. Yeah, from Sicily. That is not old. We just flew it in from Sicily. Those are the places where if you're going to get pizza for Christmas Eve, let's do a pizza for that place. Now, I do have to say Pizza Hut, when I was a kid, was the better of all the options. In my opinion, that was my personal opinion. I'm like, I would rather do Pizza Hut than the other guys. But in the worst part about that particular dinner, that particular feast, was not that my mom had decided to get Pizza Hut.

It's that there was no pizza from Pizza Hut that could have come along with it.

That you could have stood with at least a box of pizza.

But here's the good news. We got lots of cigarettes to smoke. And beer to drink. So at the end of the day, it wasn't that drunk.

Yeah, you make the most But that's what you have to do. When you get older, too, you look back at stuff that happened when you were younger with your parents, and you're like, They were doing the best they could.

Well, here's my belief generally in life. Most people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time that is given to them. I just think that's true of most human beings. We're just doing the best we can with the information we have in the moment that we have it, and that's it. There's no knock on my mom. My mom was a A single mother, and yes, a single mother of mainly adult children, but that's still a feat. You still have to... She held down a job. My mom is a rock star in a lot of ways. Look, she made me, and I'm doing 12 days of TCB, which actually is 13 days of TCB. Okay, maybe we weren't all that great at math, but I'm telling you what, Pizza Hut or no Pizza Hut, my mom was trying. For that, I give her credit. Now with the grandkids, she just loves to get them toys. With the grandkids, she's doing so much. I've noticed that my parents are doing so much better with the grandkids than they ever with me. I guess that's how therapists stay in business, huh?

Yeah, it's just, I think, easier when they're not your own kids.

Oh, yes, for sure. All right, let's do this. We're going to take a break in just one second, but I wanted to remind you, the ASPCA, Doing Good For Animals, all around the United States and beyond. So do us a favor. There's a link in the show note. If you would, go donate to the ASPCA. If you do and you want some schwag, you can go ahead and take a screenshot of your donation and we will send you some schwag, some TCB schwag. Please understand, we do not get in the middle of this. We're just putting the link on the website. It goes directly to their website. We are incentivized in no way. We haven't even communicated. We haven't even communicated with these people. No, we just like these charities. We just like these charities. We hope you'll do some good over the holiday season. Okay, we'll take a break. We'll be back. Hi.

You know what time it is, so let's get to it. Pull that phone out of your pocket and follow us on Instagram at The Commercial Break and on TikTok for now, I guess, @tcbpodcast. You can also find all of our video content that we're filming in our brand new studio at youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. So check it out and throw us a follow a like, a comment, whatever you can spare. If you want to get in touch with us, you can always text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-4333-TCB. Now, I have one last request. During the 12 or 263 days of or check out our featured charities and donate to them if you can this holiday season. All right, let's take a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

All right, and we're back. Okay, you know the whole- And I want pizza now. Oh, man, I love some pizza. It sounds really good. I know, but we have pizza so much around this house because the kids, they're kids, they love pizza. We have pizza at least once every 10 days. There's pizza of some brand or variety, whether that be frozen pizza, we go out for pizza. I do want pizza, but then part of me is like, I already have a lot of pizza in my diet. I'm not sure my cardiologist is going to appreciate that. Here's the reason why I ask you about the worst Christmas gift ever because they've put out the traditional annual list of worst gifts for 2024 to get something.

Is this from town and country?

This is not from town and country. This is from Whale House. Whale House. Whale House. Good old Whale House. That was good. You saw that one right on the corner. You were like, I like that one. All right, ready? Yes. I think this is the worst... Yeah, the 17 worst Christmas gifts as per whalehouse. Ca. Here we go. What? Yeah, don't ask me. I just found it. I thought it was interesting. I was reading through it. Okay. Number one, a coffee cup. I can agree with this wholeheartedly.

I agree. Don't get me- There's too many coffee cups out there.

Listen, I drink tea every night. I drink tea. It's easy on my throat, my belly. I like it. There's no caffeine. It calms me down because I need calming down a lot. Through the years, people have gotten me coffee cups, tea cups, right? Of course. Throughout the years. It's wonderful. But now I have a hundred of them. I don't need another one. I honestly don't.

That's just- The last time we moved, I purged a bunch of them, even if they were special.

Yeah.

I was like, There's too many.

Let's be real. Has anybody I've never really said, I want a coffee cup for Christmas? I mean, unless it's a fancy one. Now, one of my family members this year for Christmas wants one of those fancy ones that heat themselves up. You put them on the little thing and they heat themselves up and stay hot for days.

I'll take a Yeti any day. Oh, Yeah.

Well, get me one of those other ones. What are those? Those ones everyone's killing each other for that have a bunch of lead in them. Stanley? Stanley? Yeah. I guess we're over the Stanleys now. Are we over the Stanleys now that there's lead in them? Okay, just checking. Number two, Walmart gift card. Mom. Walmart gift card. Actually, I don't think this is the worst gift ever.

I was going to say you really got attached to those pants you got.

Those pants. I was wearing those yesterday. Those pants are the best- I knew those were I have the most fucking cozy house pants I've ever had. There you go. That's not the worst. From Walmart, not from Lulu Lemon, which also makes a great... Of course they do. They're $600 a piece, but also makes a great sweat pant, whatever you want to call, lounge whatever you want to call it. Jogger. Jogger. I'm telling you what, those random ass pants I found in a Walmart in bum shit, South Carolina, were some of the best pants. I had to work for those because they didn't have many in my size. You did.

I remember the story. Yes.

All right. Number three, socks. This is something that was always in my stocking, always, always, always was socks. Now, if you would If you asked me 10 years ago, I would have said, Please stop giving me fucking socks. If you ask me now, please give me more socks. I am in love with a cozy pair of socks. Me too.

I'm wearing some special ones today, in fact.

Ones that do not get holes in them. I'm wearing socks from a company called Clover, which is why they have the clover on the bottom of them. I like that. They are incredible, and they don't ruin. I've bought them from like, like, stock companies that are supposed to be reputable. Then three months later, they have holes in the bottom. Really? I don't wear socks. I'm not wearing- Bompas.

Bompas are great.

Personal Hygiene Products comes in at number 4. Yeah, I guess I don't need tampons this Christmas. That's what you're saying.

I like shampoo, but I mean, you could go with an expensive shampoo and conditioner for a girl. Okay.

I think there's a difference between getting bath bombs and stuff. It's thawed out. Here, one time I got Astrid, we had one of those standalone tubs, and I got her a tray and some bath bombs and some other stuff that went on there. I said, Hey, you could go ahead and take your bath. Now, little did I know that Astrid hasn't taken a bath in her entire life. She doesn't take baths. Oh, really? Yeah, no, she doesn't. I think she took three baths when we had that stand. That stand-alone tub was beautiful.

Oh, we've got one, and I love it.

But she's just not a bath person.

Yeah, some people aren't.

But I thought. I tried.

That was thoughtful.

Yeah, but after six years of knowing her, I probably should have guessed. Having never seen her take a bath before.

I was going I was going to say it's not that thoughtful.

A picture frame comes in at number five. Now, yes, an empty picture frame, yes, totally worthless. Don't get someone an empty picture frame. That's a highly It's a very subjective thing to put in someone's house, right?

But a picture in a picture frame.

Okay, I can go with that. Special picture. I can roll with that. I guess it's the context also. I'll tell you what we got my mom for Christmas last year, Kevin got it for her and we've been adding to it, is one of those digital frames. The digital ones. Where you hook it up to the internet, it's got an address, and then you send pictures to it. Even though my mom is not mobile, so we can't get her out of the house a lot, we can- She can stay up to date. Yes. When we have an event here at the house or we're over at the gym and there's a recital or whatever it is, we can take pictures and then we send it to her so we can say, Hey, mom, look on your frame. We've got some new photos. I love it. I think that was a good present. But an empty frame? Yeah, I don't want that. Ugly Christmas sweater. The Very out. I think it's overdone. The ugly Christmas sweater thing is overdone. I don't own ugly Christmas sweaters because anytime I have gotten them as a gift, I just don't wear them.

Or you give them to goodwill the next year. Yeah, that's it.

Or that same year. Or I re-gift them. Guilty of re-gifting or not re-gifting?

No.

Never re-gifted?

I don't know that I've... Well, no, I never re-gifted as if it was my own gift. I had picked it out for them, and I really hadn't.

Okay, so you never- I would give somebody something, but I would say, I got this and don't want it.

Would you like it?

Okay. Ever regifted?

I think I might have done it once or twice. But not a mean way. Normally, it's a nice thing, but I just already have it. I don't want to tell someone if I already have something that they got me because they feel like they did put thought into it. It is something I would like. I do have it.

I agree. I've gotten golf balls that then I a gift to my brothers or something like that? Well, I guess I'm telling him now. Sorry, guys. I got the golf balls from someone else. I gave them to you. I've re-gifted a few things, but I do it with intention and love. It's like, Oh, I know you would like this much better than I would. So I'm going to pretend as if I got this for you, even though someone else got it for me.

In a pinch.

Candles from the Dollar Store. No. That's a very specific... But anything from the Dollar... Can we talk about the Dollar Store?

You can give a gift from anything from the Dollar Store.

Can we talk about the neighborhood-ruining dollar stores for a second? I mean, these places are absolutely terrible, and despite being a dollar, it saves you no money. They are simply... Think about all the extra packaging. Think about all the extra things that have to be done to break stuff down into smaller sizes to charge you more money for less product. Think about this. You go to Walmart or at Costco, you buy a giant jug of detergent. It costs you $25 or whatever. Then you go to the dollar store, and it's like a dollar 99 for the tiniest little thing of detergent or a couple of packets of detergent. It is so much more expensive per item, like per gallon, per fluid ounce, per M&M, whatever it is, to buy that stuff at the dollar store than it is at Walmart. Now, if you If they have two bucks on you, I can understand. But they don't pay those people a living wage.

That's the sad part. Yeah, I read a whole thing about how they pop up in food deserts, too, which is places that don't have fresh food and produce, and then they have everything canned.

You know what That makes me feel good about society right now? They're closing dollar stores by the minute right now, like the Dollar Generals and the Dollar Stores, because they just are terrible. Stop the Dollar Stores. Don't give me anything from the Dollar Store. Don't want. Thank you anyway. But a candle from the Dollar Store?

No, those candles, they're bad.

They're bad? They're really bad. They're bad?

Are they scented? I'm a big candle person. I go for a nice, expensive candle because it just lasts longer and smells better. I agree. I mean, anything I've ever bought, anytime I've ever bought cheap candle, it's disappointing.

It's disappointing. It smells terrible. They're bad for you. Like all the chemicals they put in there. They don't burn correctly. Yeah. A keychain comes in at number eight.

Oh, yeah.

Please don't get me a fucking keychain. No. Let me get my own keychains. I don't want your keychain. I want my keychain. I don't wear a keychain. Who wears keychains anymore? Who does this? What's a keychain for? When you're seven and you have a backpack, a keychain makes sense because you collect them on your backpack, It's some little indication of your individuality when you're a young person. But when you get over the age of 15, do we need keychains anymore? Really? I don't even think people have keys anymore. I turn my car on with my phone. Fuck you.

Okay, rich guy. I know. I am. I'm rich.

I'm rich. That Hyundai sitting outside doesn't turn itself on. I press a button, ladies. Number nine, and I couldn't agree with this more. Please never do this. We're just talking about this on today's show. A pet for Christmas. No. Do never get anybody a pet for Christmas unless you have talked about it with them specifically. Because Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, none of it. Don't do it. You do not get someone a pet when they do not expect you to get them a pet. That is a terrible fucking idea. They will feel obligated to keep that animal. They probably didn't in the first place. You want to know why? They didn't have a pet in the first place. If you want a pet, you go get a pet. That's not something someone does for you. You do it yourself.

Yeah, that's tricky. That's a lot of responsibility you're putting on someone. Oh, my God. Unless it would be a pet for the family in a family house.

Where you and your husband or your wife or whatever have spoken about it at length, you're going to surprise the kids with a dog. You know they're not going to take care of it, so it's your fucking responsibility. Exactly. You're prepared. Okay, Got it. Yes. 10, 4. Ten. A T-shirt. A brand new T-shirt. No. No. Don't get a T-shirt for Christmas. Unless it's a really good T-shirt. Unless it's a really funny T-shirt.

A funny one or a good quality one.

A good quality one. But don't try and get someone a T-shirt that you think is fashionable. No, that's a bad idea. Then you're my mom all the time.

Again, clothing is... I go against getting clothing. I agree with you.

For a guess. A hundred %. Number 11, weight loss No. Weight loss program. No. That's like your hair loss program. I know. I think it's worse, actually. Yes, it is. Listen, my hair is going regardless. A weight loss program might indicate that someone else feels you're lazy.

Oh my God, that's an awful gift.

You can't take care of your own self. That's a terrible gift. That's like getting someone rehab for Christmas. You're an asshole. Go to rehab. Which one time I was in rehab for Christmas, I just...

It's Well, if the only you'd had a gift or something.

Do you remember the time I told you that I was homeless? Like I was living under somebody's porch because my dad kicked me out because I kept bringing strippers home. And so I lived under the porch of the stripper's mom's house while she was cheating on me because really, honestly, who's dating the guy under my porch? It's pretty much a lose-lose situation. The next step for me, even though at the time I was certainly drinking and drugging, it wasn't like I was a full blood. I wasn't like, I had to snort cocaine 24 hours a day or was drinking myself into oblivion every single afternoon. I just was casually doing drugs most of the time. But my big out was I had a guy that met me at a coffee house, like an old high school friend, met me at a Waffle house, I think it was, and was like, Hey, dude, I heard you're having a bit of a problem. I was like, Yeah. He's like, I'd like to call some of my friends and have them meet us here. They can help you, I think. I was like, Oh, okay, great. The people who showed up were people from a rehab program, where they asked me if I was in danger.

Did I owe any drug dealers money? Oh, wow. How much alcohol did I drink? I all of a sudden got roped into a little cult, and they sent me to a halfway house on Buford Highway, Atlanta. What? Not even kidding. Twelve guys living in a three bedroom apartment, four of us per room. We all had to pay for rent by going and working day labor jobs. I was there during Christmas. There was no TVs allowed. You could have a CD Walkman. If you had one of those, you could have a CD Walkman or a radio. No televisions allowed, none of that shit. On Christmas Eve, they rolled in a TV and they played It's a Wonderful Life to basically 16 hardened criminals and Brian. That's so sad. That's the only white guy in the crew. It was the most disturbing Christmas Eve. Oh, no. Of my life, Chrissy, of my life. Yes. Rehab for Christmas, not a bad thing. Exercise bike falls right behind weight loss management. Calendars or office supplies. Agree with this 100%. You don't need to get that for somebody. No. Let them do that on their own. That's a highly personal thing.

My wife loves calendars, loves calendars, loves them, has them all over the place. She uses them.

I love a good calendar.

Yes. But you know what? She doesn't want anybody else picking that out for her.

No, you do it yourself.

Number 14 is a paper weight. Well, I didn't even know those existed anymore. Do we even use paper anymore? I mean, who's getting a paper weight? Do you have a paper weight? You looked at me like you might have a paper weight.

There's some beautiful paper weights out there. I've seen before. They're like the blown glass, and they're really pretty.

That's a piece of art that you use as a paper weight. But a paper weight is like a rock. You know what I'm saying? Like a rock with a place for envelopes that no one gets anymore. I don't know. Cash is number 15. Why not cash? Hey, Listen, I'm saying this moves up to the best gift you could possibly give this summer and this spring and this fall and this Christmas for the commercial break is cash. We should start a Patreon just so people could tip us. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Number 16 is self-help books. Agree with that 100%. No.

That's personal.

You make people feel like they're being an asshole. You know what I'm saying? If you give them a self-help book.

How not to be an asshole? Yeah.

Like, Maturity 101. Yeah. Relationships for children. The five love languages for assholes. Yeah, that stuff. Number 17, coming in at the worst gift to give someone, I just forgot it. Cleaning tools. Don't get someone a vacuum for Christmas. Unless they really want it. Hey, listen.

There's some great vacuums out there.

There are some Dyson's out there that I would die for.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah, We received one, one year from Jeff's mom and loved it. It was good?

Yeah.

Okay. All right. We're going to go for the Dyson. Listen, the Dyson's are like... That's a different story, though. A Dyson is like getting an iPad.

It is, yeah. Really, and they're more expensive than an iPad.

We have a Dyson, and that thing has a screen on it, and it tells you how much shit it's picking up at any given time, and is it max, eco, maximum?

Yeah, filtering.

Yeah. Dyson really changed the game. They made it sexy to have a vacuum. They did. Yes. Dyson is the apple of vacuums. That is for sure. It's its own ecosystem. You need their chargers. You need whatever. Anyway, I like a good dose. I'll take a dose. But don't get me Clorox or- Well, clean supply?

Yeah, no, that's bad.

No. Cleaning supply. Merry Christmas. All right, tcbpodcast. Com. That's where you go. More information about the show, all the audio, all the video right there from one location. You can also get your free TCB sticker, or if you need a replacement for your 21 EPM sticker that's biodegrading right in front of your eyes, let us know. Go to the Contact Us button, drop down menu, I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address, and we'll send you that sticker. No must, no fuss. Also, if you donate to one of the charities we've been talking about in the 12 days of TCB, the National Breast Cancer Coalition, St. Jude's Hospital, and the ASPCA, take a screenshot. Let us know, and we'll send you some free schwag. I'll send you some of that deep schwag, some of that B-side schwag. Menfo stickers, picked up off the ground from Menfo, touched by Brian's hands. Don't you want that? That's going to be worth money. My fingerprints are on that bitch. Picked up off the ground. Picked up off the ground and mailed back to us by Jeff's partners. I'm not paying to throw these in the dumpster.

212 433 3TCB. 212 433 3, 3, 3, 8, 2, 2. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, we will take them all. Also, that's where you can send the aforementioned pictures. You can also leave a voicemail there. At the Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok and youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. Okay, Christie, that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say, we must say, and we do say good Bye. I got to get some cocaine. Got to be crazy.