Transcript of 12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!

Hey, Grissy. Best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe, and happy holidays. Sometimes, podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're glutton's for punishment. We have the 12 Days of TCV coming at you, December 13th through the 25th. Brand new episodes every single day and live, fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswald once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break. Wexel, we wish you a Merry Christmas. Oh, well, you know I know that one. Isn't it enough to host a party? And now you're making me sing, too? All right. We wish you a Merry Christmas it is. All right. Oh, I know when to come in. Yes. All right. Tell me when. Sing now. Santa Claus and Jesus are coming over now. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Happy birthday, Jesus. Yeah, Dancers and Panthers. Welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB. I'm Brian Green. This is the Missel Toe to My Camel Toe.

Chris and Joy Holden. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Ryan. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Here we go. We're doing it. We're rolling through the 12 days, the 13 days, or the 20 days of TCB, depending on how you count it. Don't worry, we'll get our maths right in 2025. Megan and Harry having quite the kerfuffle over there at Netflix. Are they? I have never really been into the royals. I think we talked about this when the queen died, and then we have to be careful. We have one of those in the building. I'm not a royalist. She's a royalist. Don't let her bullshit you. No, I'm not. No, I'm kidding. Your parents are, though. Megan and Harry have broken away from the from the Royals. Okay. Yeah, of course. They came over here to the United States, I think in the hopes and the wishes, probably the expectation that they would take over America, that they would be the king and queen of the United States of America, at least in a pop culture sense, Because Megan had already been famous here in the United States, and then everybody loves Harry after his jaunt in Las Vegas with his penis hanging out.

Everyone was really excited. I remember that. You remember that? Remember he was showing his penis in Las Vegas? Yeah, he It's good for Harry. Don't stop Harry from having a good time. You can't fault Harry. No. Being a royal has got to suck in a lot of ways. I mean, it's got to be awesome in a lot of ways. You're not going to let lose. But it's got to suck in a lot of ways. They break away from the royals. They make the announcement. They come over to California to in bed with all the other rich people, Kanye and Kim and all those other people. Then Netflix comes a calling, as you know that they would. It was either going to be a podcast on Amazon Studios or it was going to be Netflix. Netflix, being the king of the streaming world, so to speak, said, Here's $100 million, go out there and make us some fresh content. Megan and Harry promised to deliver. What they delivered was a hot steaming. They walked in the room, they walked in the Netflix executive boardroom, they stood on the table, and they delivered a hot steaming pile of turd.

Because besides that very first reality show that they had, that really, let's be honest about it, while it revealed some stuff about the royals- Was it a reality show? I think it was- I think a documentary, whatever. While it was interesting in some respects, it wasn't- It told their story from their point of view. Yeah, it wasn't that interesting. I mean, let's be honest about it. Since then, they have done almost nothing of note. Now, to cap their time at Netflix, the $100 million that they received to create these four shitty television shows. They have produced, I guess, a 10-part miniseries on Polo, a docuseries on Polo. Oh, is that the Polo thing? I actually wanted to watch that. Yes. Bringing Polo to the masses. Because when you have to buy horses, stables, hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of veterinary care, and you have to have four horses just to play one match of Polo, four horses. You did four? Yes. And there's six minute little intervals. I don't know what they call them. Hex or cues or quads or- Jaunt. Jaunt. Yes, jaunt. Four different horses that you switch. Every three minutes, you switch a horse and you rest one and then you go.

I watched the first 15 minutes of this terrible, terrible documentary, trying to make it look like Polo is the Everyman Sport, that people who play polo are really sports heroes, and that the people around them suffer because of the sport that they play, sacrifice, toil, and trouble that comes with playing polo in Palm Beach, Florida. Fuck you. Megan and Harry, fuck you. I got to be real honest with you. This is the dumbest fucking idea that they could have possibly had. They make themselves look even more entitled. They make themselves look even more out of touch, and they put themselves at a level that is unbelievably unattainable. No one can play polo because it's such a fucking expensive sport. Let's not even get into the treatment of the horses. You don't have enough in your lifetime, in two of your regular lifetimes, to even have one year of polo. Two of my regulars. Two of your regulars equal one day of Megan and Harry, because apparently, Harry can twiddle off the fucking Saint Croix and play a polo match while you and I are sitting here doing the 65,000 hours of TCB just so we can pay health insurance.

It's fucking unbelievable. It really is. It's the audacity to try and make polos seem an every man's sport when what it really is is the egotistical... It's like the epitome of obnoxious, rich entitlement, in my opinion. I watched however long I could digest of this, and all it shows is good-looking, white, rich men doing nothing but riding their horses along all day, riding their red rockets as they do, boys just mounting things as they do. Shirtless sometimes, because let's make sure we get it to abs. Okay, I'm scratching that off the list then. Please. Going back to Queer Eye. Yes. Thank you. Let's get to something that's a little bit more realistic, like gay guys dolling up straight guys for a hobby. Let me tell you something. If Netflix wants to spend $100 million, they can come here and drop $100 million right here, and I will work so fucking hard to give you the most mediocre content that's ever been produced on Netflix. It won't be all that good, but it won't be terrible, I promise you. It won't be about fucking horses and rich people. Megan and Harry. That's all I got to say, honestly.

I was rooting for Megan and Harry at some point. I was like, Okay, they're getting a bad rap. They're over here. They're just trying to make their way in the world. I was, too. But now that this polo thing has come out, I'm 100% against Megan and Harry. Are they shown in it? Briefly. Okay. Briefly, because they didn't want it to be a documentary about Harry just playing Polo. But this is such a steaming pile of turd, and Netflix knows it, that there has been no promotional materials made. No one has been out on podcasts, ABC, ABC, morning shows. No one's talking about it. There are no trailers running around other streaming platforms or however they do these things, and there's no conversation. No one's coming to our show. No one's coming. Yes. I haven't seen Harry the commercial break yet or any of those other spoiled rich brats. I mean, honestly, watch 15 minutes of it. Well, I saw a clip of it the other day, you know how it just automatically plays when you hit on a show, which can be annoying. Yes. But it just automatically played, and I was like, Oh, Polo, I don't know.

Maybe I'll save it, but maybe not. See if you can digest even 30 minutes of this particular show because it really got my goat. In a time when people are really suffering to make ends meet, and a lot of us are struggling with paying health care costs or for feeding our families or getting from point A to point B. Listen, we are blessed that we get to make a living doing what we're doing. Super blessed. I'll never complain about having this job. I don't dig ditches for a living. I'm not up on high rises doing rivets. Or do they still do rivets? I'm not sure. Do they still do rivets? Okay. Whatever it is I'm doing, I'm not complaining about doing this for a living. What's rivets? Like window washing? Rivets. You know rivets? The guys that we used to like the ironworkers, they would do rivets, hot rivets. They'd throw them to each other in buckets. Never mind. It's a different story for a different day. But we don't do rivets. I feel blessed in that sense. I really do. But to try and make polo approachable, as if it was something that 99.99% of human beings could even pretend to want to do.

Listen, Golf is bad enough. You really, you have to pay $150 every time. Do you hear that? I have horses running right outside my door. That is unbelievable how loud that is. My daughter, one of my daughters is so loud, she walks like her dad does with her heels, and you could just hear it all through the entire house. To make polo try and seem approachable and that people suffer because of the sport that they play. What was the suffering that was happening? It's like in the beginning, you know how they say, Coming up on this season of, right? It's these wives of the polo players, and they're like, Everybody around him. No one gets enough time from him. Everybody suffers because of polo. Everybody. Oh, God. Meanwhile, suffering is not drinking Fucking lazy teenies in fucking Martinique every Thursday on your way to your private jet going to a polo match. That's not suffering. Suffering is being denied health care. That's what suffering is. These people have no idea what suffering is because that's not the world that they live in. Listen, I understand suffering is relative. Stress is relative, suffering is relative. If you work hard for your money, I don't fault you for being a billionaire or a millionaire.

Do what you want to do with it. But please don't try and pull a mole over our eyes and all of a sudden make it seem like Polo is the thing everybody... We should have been paying attention to Polo all along. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. No, it's not relatable at all. You look at the formula for a successful sports documentary, docudrama, whatever it is. Aaron Hernandez's story. Aaron Hernandez came from nothing. Now, he did murder a bunch of people. I'm sorry about that. But he came from nothing. The guy comes from nothing. Father is abusive, no money in the home, and he struggles all his life to be accepted, to figure out who he is, and he becomes one of the better football players. A lot of drama, a lot of strife. In there is brewing a good story for a docu-series or a docu or whatever it is. My 15th horse has a sprain, so I can't use him in my polo match today is not anything that I'm fucking concerned with. It really isn't, except for the horse that has the strain, quote Because we really know what's going on. That horse is in the glue factory, fuckers.

Fuck you, Megan and Harry. Fuck you. You know who's going to get mad about this? Maryanne, because she is a royalist. Oh, she is. She is a royalist. Well, actually, maybe she's royalist, she won't really care about Megan and Harry. Well, that's true. She's a true royalist, right? That's true. How do your parents feel about Megan and Harry? They hate them. Of course they do. I get it. Are they fans of Charles? I don't think they have any thoughts about Charles, really, but I'm not totally sure. Does anybody have any thoughts about Charles? I think they have a general respect, and that's probably all they care about. It's just part of their culture. It's part of their existence. It is what it is, and they're not really plussed either way. They don't really give a shit. Well, listen, I didn't really give a shit until I saw the absolute shit show that was Polo on Netflix. I mean, $100 million, $100 million dollars. They've had some other stuff that's gone belly up. They've had a lot of stuff that's just failed because let's be honest about it, they're not all that good at making television.

There was this whole exposé on the Daily Beast. I know it's terrible. There's this whole exposé on the Daily Beast or something about this particular series and how the people at Netflix are so frustrated with Megan and Harry Megan, specifically, because they had come to Netflix and pitched that they were going to put together a television series, a docuseries, that basically touched people's lives and did good work and bridged whatever. Then they come to them with this completed polo series, and Netflix is like, What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? Why are we doing this? That's why they're burying it. Now, apparently, what is left in the can is a cooking show by Megan that has been sitting on the shelf for nine months that no one wants to put out there for whatever reason. I don't know. I don't get into the specifics about Netflix. But I'm telling you right now, Netflix could drop a 10th of that, $10 million on us, and we would create some high entertainment. I'd basically just take a camera and watch my kids run up and down the... I was going to say. Oh, my God.

Hey, guys. Hey, we're trying to work in here. I'm trying not to become the Megan and Harry of podcasting and drop a steaming pile on everybody. I wonder if that comes through on the actual audio. It's got to, right? If it's that loud? It does. Yeah, it does. Here and there. It does? Okay. Well, it does- Even after it's been leveled and everything. That's the little pitter-patter of Santa's elves. I just want you to know that. All right, well, listen, let's take a break. I'll go yell at my children and give them reason for therapy later on in life. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is the charity that we're currently asking you to donate to this holiday season. Charities get most of their money during the holiday season because that's when the world goes around, October, November, December, and January. If you could donate just a couple of bucks to one of the charities we've been talking about this episode and last episode, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, helps women get back on their feet after they have been in an abusive relationship. They give money to local organizations that help shelter women and families from abusive men or abusive relationships.

And they do financial literacy and education for women who've been in an abusive relationship so they can get out there in the world and start a new. It's a great cause that really... There's so many charities out there. I feel like this is one, sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle. We need it more than ever. You know what I'm talking about. So get off your lazy ass, donate five. Don't be Megan and Harry. Donate $5. We'll be back. Holidays getting you down. Family acting out of pocket? Text us and tell us all about it at 212-4333-TCB, or leave us a voicemail with all of the unhinged and/or spicy details. And then follow us on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok @tcbpodcast if you need a laugh or an escape. You can always escape for a full hour and watch our YouTube videos at youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak, while you simultaneously peruse our website, tcbpodcast. Com, to find out all there is to know about Brian and Christie. Now, let's hear from our sponsors so we can afford the holidays this year. I'm Anna Garcia with True Crime News, The Podcast. Every crime tells a story.

Every story demands justice. True Crime News, The Podcast covers breaking crimes, investigating high-profile and under-the-radar cases. Every week, we dive beyond the headlines, exploring the effects of violent crimes on victims and search for justice. We hope you join us as your weekly source for True Crime News. Listen to and follow True Crime News, the podcast on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcast. All right, I've sufficiently beat my children into submission, so we shouldn't hear any more of that. Okay, so after my Megan and Harry rant, you remember the first time you went to Jeff's house for the holidays, Jeff's parents house for the holidays, Jeff's family's house for the holidays? Because it's a good way to say that. Yes. How was it? It was great. It was nervous. You're a little nervous. Of course. Yes. But his mom was lovely. Yeah, it was fantastic. His whole family was very welcoming. Yes. I think that is, in my opinion, the first time you meet the parents or the parents, and then the first time you do holidays together. Yes. Those are two big indicators of whether or not things are on the right track.

They're going to fit. Yes. Are you going to be a fit? You guys can get along just perfectly fine together. Do you do well on vacation? Do you do well when you're sick? Do you do well staying together in the same place more than five nights in a row? And do you get together or do you do well at family events, introductions, family? Those family holidays, those can be make it or break it. Because let's be honest, if you go over to your loved one's house and their parents are shitheads or you just don't get along with them or they give you the side eye. It's very difficult to get over that. You don't want to go to your loved one's family for holidays, you're likely not going to last very long. I have been through this. I know this. I stayed with someone way too long, and their family hated me, and it was very uncomfortable. They hated me so much that I wouldn't even get invited to the holidays. What? It would be like she would just avoid it. Well, I'm going to go to my mom's on Christmas Eve, so I'll see you on Christmas Day.

Really? I'd be like, You don't want me to come in? No, it's like a pajama party, probably. Then I would see pictures on Facebook, and there'll be 12 people over there, me not included. Fuck you. Wow. Yes. You know what I'm talking about. I do. Yeah, it was just a drama. I do. Or she would start an argument the day before Christmas Eve, and that way, it was an excuse not to have me over. The truth was, I don't think her family liked me. I didn't like them very much, any. It was mutual. I don't like you either. I don't like you either, bitch. It was really her stepdad that I didn't like. But anyway, besides the point, parents have a lot of influence and sway over people's relationships. Families and parents, they can make or break a relationship. Here, while we're talking about this, I'm going to give you a little piece of Brian Green advice when it comes to families and relationships. Do not tell your mom or dad, brother or sister, or maybe even best friend, about every single argument that you have with your partner. No. Because they will slowly start to despise your partner, and it will come tearing apart at the seams when your mother and father tell you that they're no good for you because all you guys do is fight.

Because that's all you talk about is when you fight. That's my little advice. But the truth is that you weren't good for each other. Fuck you. I don't know about you guys, but everything that gets told to me gets told straight to my sisters. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Okay. Sisters, I think you can get There's a little bit of an exception there because sisters and brothers, you have that bond. But I have seen this play out in real life where you slowly start to turn people against your partner, even though that's not really how you feel, because the thing that you talk most loudly about or most forcefully about are the arguments and disagreements that you have, and you don't color it in with all the wonderful that they're doing. But you're right, they were bad for me in the first place, so fuck them. In the '90s, MTV knew this. Mtv knew that parents held the most sway over who their children dated or fell in love with. They built a whole show around it, Chrissy. It was called parental control. Now, while I was hunting, Christina and I got in a text message chain.

She was telling me about another MTV show we may or may not review. Then that got me thinking about the other dating shows that were on MTV in the '90s and early 2000s that were, quite frankly, fucking insane. They would never fly now. But back then, it was a different time. Parental Control was a short-lived show. I think it was only three or four seasons. But it was a literally... I mean, it's a great concept. I'm not sure how well it's done, but it's a great concept. That is, rather than you pick your boyfriend or girlfriend. The parents. The parents will. Here's the twist. You already have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. It's your parents trying to pick a new boyfriend. I mean, who agrees to go on these fucking shows? You must be so thirsty when you say, Yeah, I'll let your mom and dad pick a new dick. Yeah, no problem. I got that part down. So parental control. I thought it would be a great time this Christmas, now that we're thinking about spending time with family we don't love. To go ahead and review parental control. Let's do it. You want to do that?

Yes. All right. I may need your help. Hi, I'm ready. I got it. There you go. All right, this is an episode of parental control. This is an episode. I'm a contractor. This is an episode. This is an episode. This is an episode. Wham, episode. My family-owned construction company. I kill people for a living. I get the general manager for our company. I also kill people for a living, and my hair is awesome. Laura Lauren is a total catch. She's beautiful, sweet, and so much fun. Can I just say the out loud part here? Lauren does not look like the child of the father. I'm just going to share that right now. But Lauren might be He stopped it. You never know. There's just one problem. His fucking boy, that boyfriend. We hate him. We hate him. What is this guy? He came straight out of a Blink 182 video. He did. He's wearing sunglasses, spiky-gelled hair, graphic T-shirt, and board shorts. He got really close to the camera from up to down. Of course, that's all the rage back. Limp Biscuit. That's an original Limp Biscuit move, Chrissy. Fred Durst originated that move. Face into the camera.

Boyfriend is a jerk. They bleeped out jerk. They really bleeped out jerk. My, how times have changed. Yeah, things have changed. She's dating Jeremy. They've been together for three months, and Lauren thinks he's a dream come true. But her parents think he's a total nightmare. So they're sending Lauren up on two blind dates with guys they've each handpicked just for her. If you think this is hard for Lauren, imagine how tough it will be for Jeremy when he sits down with her parents and they watch the dates together. Oh, God, he sits down with them. This is the most New Jersey family I've ever seen in my entire life, by the way. They're responsible for the trends. Yes. Theresa Caputo, hair cut on the mom. What does he have, a trash compacting company or something, a construction company? Waste management. Yes. Now the little Soprano in training is sitting next to them waiting for the girlfriend to go out in two dates. Handpicked by mom and dad. How do they handpick them? Find them in a grocery store? Yeah. I think MTV shoves them, two of them. I'm pretty sure the producers just showed up at the front door with these two goodnicks.

Have amazing legs. I can't believe this. He's touching her calves, and I'm sitting next to you, cows. Enjoy looking at her on the screen because it's over, pal. I can't believe this. She's touching his legs, and I got to sit here reading jokes the producers wrote. Wow. At the end of the day- He probably said, This really sucks, and MTV bleeped it out. Lauren will have to decide which guy she wants to keep seeing, her boyfriend, Jeremy, or one of the new guys her parents selected for her. New guy. Laura is back to be schooled by a guy. New guy. New guy. New dick. New dick. Control. This is back when shows actually had an opening, like a theme song. Now, you just go straight into the television show. People don't have the patience for theme songs anymore. Yeah. So radical. Hi, I'm Lauren. My boyfriend's name is Jeremy. He's super hot and he knows how to break it down. First of all, what does break it down? He break it down? Yeah. Well, now they would say, He knows how to dick me down. Really makes me... Oh, my God. Angry when Jeremy criticizes or insults Lauren.

Whoa, bad hair day. He cuts her down and makes her feel bad about herself. Damn, girl, you got some chicken legs. Is that what you're wearing? He's the one that's going to be feeling bad, if you know what I mean? Jeremy. My pretend punching abilities are right here. Wow. Now, clearly, this is just for the camera. This is all scripted, you can tell because they're poorly saying these lines. But if he really does say things like that to her, then I can understand where these parents are coming from. One hundred %. Someone's talking like that to my daughter in front of me, and it's game over. Oh, yeah. Wears his sunglasses all the time, even indoors. What does he think? He's some movie star. He's afraid to get recognized. Forget the glasses. Do us all a favor and just put a bag over your head. Yeah, I got that. It drives me crazy that Jeremy ends every sentence with, Oh, yeah. Porc runs. Oh, yeah. Baby, I love GED. Oh, yeah. Suspended license. Oh, yeah. Syphilis. Herpes simplex A. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, Yeah, tuna casserole. May I finish this sentence. Oh, yeah.

Pre-ejaculation. Jeremy, you're out of here for good. Oh, yeah. How about this one? Lauren's boyfriend throws temper problems. Anytime he doesn't get his way, he stomps his feet and yells like a little baby. They gave me a kum pao. I ordered orange. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, interception. God, this is not fair. What's the matter, Jeremy? You need someone to come in and change your diaper? Our daughter needs to be with someone who appreciates all she has to offer. Jeremy, it's time for you to move on. Because you're out of here. We're going to find a new boner for her to ride MTV Networks Casting Call. They're outside the MTV Networks building, which is so un-MTV-like. I just have to say that. It's like it's just a normal office building. They have a What I can imagine is clearly set up a shot of a line of guys, maybe 50 of them standing in line waiting to get the front door. Now it's time for mom and dad to meet the potential blind date for Lauren. Hi. Hey, I'm Dylan. Was that nick Lachet? I think it was nick Lachet. Well, he lasted about as long on this as he does on that Love is Blind.

They walk in and walk out of the door. Yeah, that's true. By the way, I'm making fun of people showing up to the MTV networks. This is the guy who sent in at least two applications to real world. That's right. At least. Yeah. Thanks for coming. What do you do for a living? I work at a gym. I'm working in a grocery store. I sell insurance. I'm a semi-pro babysitter. I practice master meeting. I sell insurance. Aren't they in high school? Yes. I got to imagine they're in their early 20s. But yeah, he said, I'm a semi-pro babysitter. A semi-pro babysitter. What's a semi-pro? Sometimes I watch them, sometimes I don't. I'm a full-time student and an athlete. I'm working on being a kid's pastor. I set rat rats for a living. Like an exterminator? Are you serious? Yeah, puts foot table. Hey, listen, that's a guy I can get behind right there. Not the rat trap part. Sorry, you're out. But a guy who actually gets his hands dirty for a living is someone I'm okay with. I rap and dance. Full clothes all day. Right now, I'm not really doing much. Just freelance construction.

Right. Now, I'm in construction myself. Could you hook me up with a job? I thought you were here for a date, not a job. Well, listen, if we could knock out two at the same time, I certainly appreciate it. Do you see my T-shirt? Who is that? Who's on the front of that T-shirt? It looks like Mandy Moore. It is Mandy Moore. There you go. And a wolf. Yeah. Nothing like showing up with the graphic wolf tee that's got Mandy Moore on it to profess your love to Mandy Moore. I'm going to keep itopen. What's something you like about a woman? Starts with the letter B. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Why does it always have to come down to boobs? Bivis. A To be fair, I think it's the first. You set them up for that one. I would have said brains, but okay. I thought we were coming up to Boobs. I'd have to say her beauty.Oh, my I love that answer. Badunk a dunk. Badunk a dunk. Oh, my God. I love that answer. This is a relic. Someone put this in a time capsule. Junk in the trunk. So you like big butts?

I cannot lie. I knew you were going to say that. I don't know. Okay, well, hey, he's a man. What do you expect? We need somebody who can be there for our daughter in good times and in bed. Put on this wig, pretend you're my best friend, and try to cheer me up. I'm not sure who's more thirsty here. The parents or the kids? The parents is definitely some thirsty. Hey, what's the matter? Why are you so upset? Have I told you that you're awesome? Every guy at school loves you. Hey, girlfriend. I'm sad. Turn me up. I'll give you a back massage. I'll give you a front massage. Dad's like, uh-uh. And some hot, cold, cold. What? Well, we already know that the parents are going to like this guy for stereotypical... Listen, New Jersey drones. That's all I got to say. Jersey drones. Tell me about your feelings. Why are you such a pigeon? I'm depressed. Cheer me up. Make me smile. Give you a break, I'm trying. This conversation is It's over. He said, Give me a break, bitch. I'm trying. Nothing like impressing mom, like calling her a bitch. Tell me one thing you like to do before you die.

A menage, a trois. A five some. What? Intercourse. A five-sum. He He said intercourse. Well, at least his expectations are reasonable. Intercourse. I'd like to try that before I die. I want to run a marathon. I've always wanted to kick down a door, just find some random door. Kick down a That's big goals. You drink big, baby. I would like to have a-That guy is literally a definition of a lugnut. He is Omiba. Baby with Angeli Jolie. Who wouldn't, huh? Yeah. I want to be the first man to walk on the moon. Dude, we're-Oh, dude, come on, man. You clearly. I mean, is this Joe Rogan? Is this Rogan? You know we've already been there. Why should we pick you to date our daughter? Why shouldn't you That is the real question. Because I'll always be there for her. I'm a good guy. I'll treat her right. I'm a gentleman. I'm always going to be opening doors for her. It's a great answer. Because I have an IQ of 60? Yeah, 60 is nothing to brag about, bro. First of all, second of all, we all know who they're going to pick. They're going to pick the dude with the hat who sets the rat traps, and they're going to pick Johnny Come Lately with the Mountain Dew hair.

The Beauty. I'm 160. That's right. I'm good-looking. I have a big brain. My Butterscotch nipple. Oh, what? Do you want one scoop or two? I'll cheat your daughter right. I don't need to see that. We have raised an entire generation of morons. These are the same guys, by the way, that are Crypto Bros now. I just want you to know that. Crypto Bros, listen to Rogan. These are the dudes. Make her happy. Because I already feel a connection. I think you guys feel it, too. Here I thought I was feeling gas. Oh, shit. Thank you very much for coming. No problem. Thank you. Nice meeting you. Thank you, guys. Don't be a dick me. I'm in for the real thing here. Cool. I love this music. It is so 2000. Okay, let's do this. Let's see what we got. I'm so ready. All right. That's my baby right there. That's your pick, and that's my pick. Either way, we're ready. Meanwhile, are they on a Macintosh 001? I think they're using a laptop to pick. I think MTV has put as overlaid it with a shot of the six guys or nine guys that they're looking at.

This could not have been more unrealistic this show. Oh, it's so short. Jeremy, life's going to be good. All right. Here's what's up. My mom and dad think my boyfriend, Jeremy, is bad news, so they each set me up on a blind date. My mom's choice is up first. She really likes funny guys, so I bet he'll make me laugh. Jeremy, why don't you take off those sunglasses and show us when we What are you going to do about him? Oh, my God. This guy. Wow. Yeah. The guy who's currently dating their daughter. Jeremy. Yeah, I think he then went on to try on for Jersey Shore. Then he went on to try. Yeah, he's a Jersey Shore reject. Oh, yes. He looks like a Jersey Shore reject. He's a punk ass. Maybe a punk ass, you're a fat ass. Damn. I mean, Why not? If one of my daughter's boyfriends said that to me. No way. Mama. That's my guy. Wait till you see the eye candy I picked for you. The guy who sets rat traps. Oh, I knew it was going to be him. Oh, Chad. Chad is the one who said Beauty versus the B.

I can't believe his name is really Chad. Hey, Chad. Come on in. Thanks. The guy I picked is a sweetie. He's not full of himself at all, and I think my Lauren is going to love him. My gorgeous daughter, Lauren. I'll make your daughter happy, and she'll have- And I'm right in front of her boyfriend. I'm up for cucking. You know what I'm saying, Mom, dad. Tons of fun. And her creepy boyfriend. What's up? He's got his sunglasses on. And he slowly pulls them down. Oh, my God. Honestly, if there's any reality in this, if this actually happened, that the new potential boyfriend showed up during at a function at the house, and you had to sit there and watch your girlfriend go on a date with another guy, that would be torture, I think, especially for an 18-year-old. Don't do it. No. I My sunglasses, bro. When Chad walked in, I was like, I got to get some mayonnaise for that white bread. Screw that, dude. Lauren, you ready to go on our date? Let's go. All right, let's do it. Some mayonnaise for that white bread. I don't remember that dig. Me and my eyebrows will be here waiting waiting for you.

Me and all 12 inches of my eyebrows will be right here waiting for you. Not too much fun? No touching? No touching. I walked in the door. He seems sweet and really good-looking. Lauren and Chad are off in some high-speed fun while Mom, Dad, and boyfriend Jeremy get to watch the action right from their living room. Good pick, Mom. Hey, don't look at me. I want to make sure you see this. What the fuck? This dude needs to eat the cheeseburger. He's really skinny. He is very skinny. All right, before we get into the dates, maybe we should take a break. Let's remind you one more time. We would love if you would do some good with us this holiday season and donate to one of the charities. This one you all picked, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Couldn't agree more on this one, Helping women and children who have suffered at the hands of abusers get back on their feats and make their way in the world. Just like good old Jeremy here is trying to She's going to have to do after his girlfriend goes out with a real man. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back.

Hi. You know what time it is, so let's get to it. Pull that phone out of your pocket and follow us on Instagram at the Commercial Break, and on TikTok for now, I guess, @tcbpodcast. You can also find all of our video content that we're filming in our brand new studio at youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. So check it out and throw us a follow, a like, a comment, whatever you can spare. There. If you want to get in touch with us, you can always text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3-TCB. Now, I have one last request. During the 12 or 263 days of TCB, check out our featured charities and donate to them if you can this holiday season. All right, let's take a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show. All right, and we're back with Parental Control. We're currently watching... What's his name? Can't remember. Jeremy. Jeremy. We're watching Jeremy suffer at the hands of MTV as his girlfriend goes on a date with the real man. Chad. Hey, pay attention. Chad. I just can't get over his name as actually Chad. Then you might learn something.

Whatever. We got these surfboards. We're not by the ocean. What's going on? We're going to do a little sport I like to call scurfing. Look at how cute he is. Why don't you date him? He's got more personality than that robot man over there. Who would you know about? Oh, snap. Does MTV pay for the counseling after this? They're going scurfing, by the way, which I've done many times myself. What is scurfing? I have no idea. Okay. Personality. Here we go. A skateboard that looks like a surfboard This guy's- Yeah, that is honestly the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Who wants to skateboard on a ten and a half foot long surfboard? Real revolutionary. It's so revolutionary. It really took off. Yeah. I don't remember it. Notice all the kids scurping out there. I belong to the National Association of Scurfers. I'm a scurf herder, if you know what I mean. By the way, and we'll talk about this when this is done, but what really surprises me about this is how truncated these dates end up being. Watch, they're going to go skate down one half a block. They're going to have a little picnic in the park, and then it's going to be done.

She's got to choose someone else. Don't you wish you guys could do fun things like that? This is like the X games, except it's like the Z's games. Let's do it for real. Wow. See the jokes here. Wait for me. That's what you call having fun. Good clean fun. We have clean fun. I shower with her all the time. Oh, man. Jeez. He gave him some one-lineers. Yeah, they did. Did they put them on cue cards or something? They must. This guy is not smart enough to come up with these on his own. So did you have fun? I had a great time. Let's get some to eat. Okay, let's go. Let's get some chow. Let's get off these scurfs and let's go chow down on some dogs and some Men's. Wouldn't it be nice for a change to have a guy look like that show up for our daughter? Yes, it would. What is the difference between the T-shirt and jeans that the current guy is wearing and the T-shirt and jeans that the other guy is wearing? No, it's not much difference. Well, There is some difference. It's so much fun. I think scurfing is my new favorite sport.

I'm glad. Scurfing is awesome. Definitely. I brought us some fish tacos because fish tacos go perfect after a day of scurfing. Hey, mom, you ever make fish tacos? Yeah, I sure do. Dad, do you ever eat Mom's fish tacos? Does not go... Oh, no. You're getting worse. It gets so much worse. R. What are some of your favorite foods? My favorite foods? I'd probably say strawberries and chocolate with a little whip cream. Yeah, your daughter and I were playing with strawberries whip last night. I will kill you. No, seriously. You seem like it. Seriously, she put whip cream on my balls. No, Seriously, dad. I'll kill you. Hey, dad, have you ever put whip cream on your wife's nipples? Yeah. We were cooking. I made dessert last night. Mom, it was almost as good as your first taco. What's the deal with your boyfriend anyway? Is that her brother? He Why is he calling her mom? There's no way. Yeah, honestly, if they're not married, this is a weird... This is weird. It's all weird. He has a bad temperature and tantrum problem. Yeah, it's not good. Oh, that's an understanding. I don't have a bad temper tangent problem.

Wow. Do you have a bad temper? Not really. Give me my pill. Not really. I'm pretty loaded on Zs and Wacky Tabaki. Meanwhile, this guy's throwing a fit over here. How do you control your anger? I like to do some yoga, just something that relieves some stress. Oh, my God. Before you go, I got some for you to remember the state by. Every scurfer needs their board wax, and this is my favorite brand. Well, thank you. I had an amazing- Well, thank you. I had such an amazing 15 minutes with you. Right. Thank you. I had an amazing seven minutes with you. I'm glad. Skurfing is my new My favorite sport. I didn't even have a chance to eat a fish taco. Bye. We should probably get you back home now. Okay, let's go. All right. Isn't he awesome? Oh my God. No, he's not. Dude, you're out of here. I just got back to my date with Chad, and it was crazy fun. My dad's picked- Was it crazy fun? Was it really crazy fun? Wild. Yeah. I have a feeling that they picked people who The family dynamics were already well-established. They know that she's going to pick the guy she's already dating and that this is just like, they're thirsty.

They're going on TV to be on TV. Or pretend to pick. Yes, of course this is pretend. You don't talk to your loved one's parents like this and expect to get away with it. Any second. I hope this guy is just as adventurous. Lauren, are you ready to go out with an adult instead of a moron that throws sissy fits? Shut up. I'm not the one who throws sissy fits. There you are. You're a little winer, a little freaking baby. I hate you guys. All right. I swear I think that that's her real brother. It's got to be her brother. You might be right about this. It might be the brother. Real man's like, Lauren. Are you nervous? You have nothing I got nothing to worry about. I'm sorry. Dylan. Dylan and Chad. Hey, Dylan, come on in. Hey, thanks. Dylan, we got a little bit of the beat. I think Dylan is, yeah. You know, cut going on. Hey, Dylan, come on in, bro. Me and you were buds. Good kid. That kid is awesome. I just hope Lauren likes him at least half as much as I do. My beautiful daughter. Wow, that's weird.

I just hope Lauren sees in him what I saw in him. A fine, firm arms and a nice round potato bottom. Gentlemen, I'm always going to be opening doors for her. It's up to the Whatever. When Dylan walked in-whatever, dude. I said to myself, I would do her. Then I realized it was a guy. You ready to go? All set. All right, let's go. Remember what we talked about? Remember what we talked about? My sweet dick. How much you love the motion in this ocean, baby. Remember, I'll be thinking about you. If you choose someone else, I'm going to break in the house. She's mine now. When I first saw Dylan, he definitely looked like an athlete. I love Josh. Does he? Does he really look like an athlete? I don't know what screen is athlete. What athlete does he look like? A bowler? A polo player. Yeah, a polo player. That's right. Dylan and Dylan are off for some one-on-one time while mom, dad, and Jeremy are back in the house, ready to see how things look. Meanwhile, both of these dates take place on the same day if the clothing is any because they're wearing the exact same thing they were wearing for the last date.

Unfold. Seriously, did you see that guy's hair? What do you call that? You see that? He criticizes Lauren just like that. Only when her hair looks like that, too. I'm such a jerk. He's a douche. I do have to admit. What would not happen to Jeremy? Oh, I know what happened to Jeremy. He got his GED, and now he's working for the local sanitation company selling ecstasy on weeknights at the Under-18 Club in the Boardwalk. I brought you to the soccer field because I thought we'd play a little soccer. Got a little jersey for you. Why don't you take this and go-I brought you to this soccer field so you could play with my balls. It changed. I'll meet you back here. What is this, gym class? That's a fun day. They're not just sitting on the couch. What is that? These are leaf blowers. Are we landscaping? No, come on now. We're playing leafblower soccer. What's leafblower soccer? It's It's just regular soccer. It's just like what they told us in the production meeting. We're going to blow a leaf. We're going to blow the balls up and down the thing. Did MTV try and figure out the corneiest games that they could play with these people?

It sounds like it. Why don't they just go on a regular date, get a cup of coffee, have dinner? Maybe out in the back of a car. I mean, what's up with this? You're picking the ball, you blow the ball. It's just regular soccer, except it blows us. We're just going to waste gas and- Gas, time, money. Pollution and money. The good news is, Christie, they'll only be playing for two and a half minutes. Any date you've ever taken her on. Have you taken her on one yet? We've raced. We raced horses? What? Dude, you're boring. You guys are stupid. What girls do you usually date? Usually, brunettes, actually. Brunettes are hot. Yeah, I agree. That's what I say. What about you? What guys do you normally date? That's easy. Douchebags with sunglasses. Snipping, snapping. Why don't you cover up those caterpillar eyebrows? All right, here's how it's going to work. You're over there. I'm over here. First one of three goals wins, and loser gives winner of massage. Well, my muscles are feeling a bit tense. Yeah, that's right. My breasts are feeling a bit tense. Look at me. Look at Jeremy. I know.

That's a Peacock if I've ever seen one. No, he's Peacocking all over that couch. Bro, last night. You're a legend in your own mind. Damn straight. Your teeth won't be damn straight if you keep talking about our daughter again. What are you going to give me, braces? What does that mean? I'm going to kick your freaking ass. With a fist? You know what kick means? Things are getting heated there in the house. I know. Jeez. If I'm not dad, I'm just jumping on Jeremy. I'm not talking anymore. Not that I condone violence in any way, shape, or form, but in this case, I might condone violence in every way, shape, or form. This seems like no fun whatsoever. With a big exercise ball. They're trying to blow an exercise ball with battery 3-powered leaf blowers. What a date. They're just hitting it with their leaf blower. I know. I know. It's so stupid. Wow, look at how much fun Oh, yeah. It does not look like any fun whatsoever. That's stupid. It's the first way. The leaf blower came apart. This massage is mine. Yeah! Score. Score. The loudest, most obnoxious game ever. I'm over this.

So sick of you. Give me my glasses. That date was so fun. That date was so fun. Let's sit down here in front of these hot, bright lights and talk to each other. Good time. What do you got there? I got some juice and oranges. Nice. Look, he brought oranges. Juice and oranges. He did not bring juice and oranges. He's an 18-year-old boy. He did not know how to do anything. He doesn't know how to cut up oranges. That's completely unrealistic. How did you think of that? He got hit in the head real hard. That's how he came up with it. I don't know. Me and my friends play sometime. Oh, really? I don't know. Me and my friends. They told me to lie about this part. Me and my friends totally came up with it in the production meeting right before we came on here. Pretty creative group of guys. Are you an artist or something? Actually, I'm in a band. Oh, really? Okay, which 18-year-old boy is not in a band? What's your band's name? We're called Brian's Escape. Brian's Escape. Brian's Escape. That's the name of my new band, Brian's Escape. Absolutely.

100 %. That is the name of her new band. I am literally dead. I am literally dead. Brian's Escape. We're changing the name of the commercial break to Brian's Escape. It makes so much sense. It does. It all is coming together. It's so serendipitous. Season 6, no longer the commercial break. Brian's Escape. Join Join us January first or whatever. Oh, my God. Brian's escape. Oh, my God. I don't know what's worse. Dashboard Confessionals or Brian's escape. I can't. I can't. I'm sorry. Oh, shit. That was so funny to me. Brian's escape. No, we should call this Lauren Lauren's escape. Yeah, Lauren's escape. Yeah, that was a great one, mom. You're working on the personality I see, though. That's right. Very good. I'm proud of you. What did you think of me when you first saw me? Honestly, I first noticed your hair. I think it's sexy. Thank you. Honestly, never mind. It looks like a girl's hair. I thought it was sexy. He's a lot better looking than you are. He's a lot better looking than you are. What did What did you first think about me when you saw me? I just thought, Man, this girl is a knockout.

Why is she with this douchebag guy? Because I'm the best. You are so full of yourself. He's a sweet guy. He just has issues. Yeah. He's a sweet guy. He just has issues. That's a great way to describe anybody you're dating. When someone that I know says she… I mean, I described one of my girlfriends like this for four years. She's great. She's just got issues. I'm dead. Wow. You look like March '98. 1898. Oh, yeah. Oh, you dig it. I got to be honest. I'm a little wiped out from that game. Why don't you not too tired? Because I think you still owe me a massage. I'm a little wiped out from running a blower up and down the half of soccer field. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Bring me them legs. What are you giggling at, Lauren? You have amazing legs. Really? Yeah. Jeremy says I have chicken legs. Jeremy's an idiot. You have great legs. You have great legs that I can feel through these shin guards and these soccer socks. I can't believe this. He's touching her calves, and I'm sitting next to you cows. Then you might want to put these on so you don't have to see it anymore.

Oh, snap. Thank you. Feeling all loosened up? Yeah, nice and loose. All right, should we get changed and get out of here then? All right, so we should have sex? Man, that was great. I don't know what The date or the blowers. Wow. Hey, did I do Good Hunt or what? That sucked. I just got back from my date with Dylan, and he really made me sweat. What a hoddie. Now, I have to make a decision. The moment has She's arrived, Chrissy. What will she do? Predictions on the table? Yeah, now I'm going to go with Chad. I'm going to say she sticks with the current guy that she has. He's got issues. Yeah, he's got issues, but when someone has issues, that usually means everyone has issues. You know what I'm saying? They've been together for a long time. I know this. Trust me. Do I stay with Jeremy or go with one of the guys my parents chose? This is a really tough choice. Now it's time for Lauren to make her pick. Will she choose Chad, the sexy street surfer? Or Dylan, her gorgeous goal? Street surfer. That's street scurfer. The street scurfer or the soccer blower.

Will she choose Jeremy, her boyfriend of three months and the person her parents can't stop understand. Guys, this is an experience I'll never forget, but it all comes down to this. I think I know who I want. But before I make my big decision, I'm going to give you one more chance each to tell me why I should pick you. Well, I know fourth of July only comes once a year, but if you pick me-Well, that was prophetic. As the lead keyboardist of Brian's- Brian's just scared. We'll be seeing fireworks all year long. Oh, my God. That was terrible. Lauren, I don't understand science that well, but there's no denying the chemistry that we felt. Baby, if I've learned anything today, it's that I don't want to lose you. I promise that if you pick me, I'm going to- If I promise if I pick you, I'll start a band called Jeremy's Practice. Do whatever I can to make you happy. Thanks, guys. That was really sweet. But I still need to get rid of one of you right now. Oh, elimination. Oh, elimination time. The stakes are very high. The music, very dramatic. Standing in a living room that hasn't been renovated since 1979.

Here we go. The Wood family. Dylan, you are so good-looking, but your personality blows, just like our dad. You need to-Oh, damn. You need to-Oh, damn. Wow. All right, you go, girl. He gave her an ankle massage. I know. Through over the Sock ankle massage. I mean, that's second base in some religions. It is. Right now. That's all right. I had fun anyways. Dylan's always a gentleman. I don't care. I can't date a girl whose hair is shorter than mine. Now, the hard part. Chad, you are so creative and athletic, but I'm afraid you may be too quiet for me. Jeremy, we have so much fun together, but I'm sick of being assaulted. By the way, how much goop does he have in his hair? I was trying to look at it. I mean, it is jealous. That hair is like, dripping. Gel is literally dripping out of the top of his hair. I've made a decision, and the guy I choose is... Come on, Chad. Go Chad. Do it Chad. Chad, Chad. Chad. Chad. Wow. Holy shit. Nice work. Thank God. As Jeremy for his a fit. You don't regret this. I hate this.

What are you doing? Get the camera off me. What are you doing? It's so, so fake. Get the camera off me. We did it, man. We did it. We did our job and Jeremy's gone. Oh, yeah. Good work. Oh, yeah. How'd you ever I hate that baby. I have no idea, but at least I'm with the real man now. You got that right. Yeah. Yes. What happened to Jeremy? I have to know. I will follow up. I will let you know. Next episode of the 12 Days of TCB, we're going to figure out exactly what happened to Jeremy and whether any of this was real at all. Christina will be reminding you. Yes, Christina will text me at midnight and remind me to figure out what happened to Jeremy. She'll find out, probably before I do. Wow, that really was a terrible television show. I was on the edge of my seat. I was, too. At the end, despite how terrible it was, and now I remember watching a lot of these episodes. I always was so interested in the outcome and always rooting for the new guys because the old guys were assholes. Will they make the old guys look horrible?

Of course. But you could tell it was all fake as he was walking out of the house and he pretended to throw the camera. It was so obviously fake. So obviously, terribly fake. But it was a more innocent time back then. It was. It was before everything was out there. Yes. It was long before Mori. Why didn't he run the same time? Yeah, early 2000s, for sure. Yeah. Dr. Phil, Maury. No 90-day fiancé, though. None of that. None of that didn't come around until the 2014s, '15s. Anyway, all right. Well, listen, another day knocked off. Scratch that off our advent calendar, Chrissy. We opened a gift, and it was Jeremy going home. I can see Christina literally scratching it off the calendar. She is. Thank you. I appreciate that. All right, tcbpodcast. Com. That's where you will go to get your free a TCB sticker. All you got to do is go to the website, hit the Contact Us button, drop down menu, I want my free sticker. Give us your address. Away it will go. Also, all the audio, all the video right there on the website. If that's how you choose to listen or watch it, it's all there available to you.

And now for your viewing pleasure, youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. You can go there and see every episode of the Commercial Break moving forward on YouTube, usually drops the exact same time that the audio does on Spotify. We have video a couple of days after the episode drops. So go over there. Like, subscribe, follow all that good jazz at The Commercial Break on Instagram. Tcb podcast on TikTok and 212 433 3TCB. That's 212 433 38 221. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. Let us know how you're enjoying the 12 days of TCB. We'd love to hear from you. Please do. And please donate to one of our great causes that we've been focusing on for the last couple of days. We would appreciate it. Okay, Christie, that's all I can do for today. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. And Jeremy also. Until Next time, we will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. What's your profamity?