Transcript of "Holiday Bonus"

Good morning. Oh, my God. Good morning. Oh, my God. The Reinders eat the cookies. I shared the course. I put them out.

Oh, my God. There's just crumbs here, and all the milk is gone. Or is that Sean? Sean, did you drink the milk?

I might have done both. I might have eaten the cookies and drink the milk.

Hey, Sean, where are your pants?

It's a holiday surprise. Welcome to Smartless.

Smartless. Smart. Life.

Smart. Life.

What do we got going on for the holidays, you guys?

We're going to be... I'm going to be going to a beach environment, and you're going to be there as well, Will. I am going to be there. And I think it's bullshit that Sean's not going to be there.

What are we going to do pre-Christmas? We should get together.

I'm sure we'll be at a It's a holiday party. I got the invite for Konan.

Are you coming?

I think so, yes.

But you said that you might not be able to make it.

Because there's another thing on that night that we got to go to, but that's not starting until 9:00. It looks like I can squeeze Konan in.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, wait. Wait a second. Wait a minute. Excuse me. I just get...

You just ambush me, Arnett.

Beatmen. You're going to squeeze me in?

Yeah, I'm going to see.

I'm going to be one of those guys.

You're going to be the early part of my night, the night that I don't really care about, because then I'm going to go to the party that I really want to go to after that. I know. And guess what?

Let me tell you why. Guess what? I know what that party is, by the way. I know what that party is. If I could get into that party, I'd be at that party instead of my party.

No, she doesn't like you. Hey, can I tell you something? You're not going.

First of all, that is Christian Emampur loves me, and she will have me to her party. That is the party everyone wants to go to. Let me tell you something, Jason, and that's called speed. You'll pick it someday. Let me tell you something, Bateman. You bitched. That's called speed. You bitched. You bitched on this podcast. Was it- Live on stage, Konan, remember?

And on stage.

And on stage, you bitched and moaned on Harmless... What's the name of it? What is it?

It's Harmless. You bitched.

You bitched. You bitched and moaned about not being invited to Konan's Christmas party, which has become an iconic party. It's quite a thing. Everyone goes.

And yet I didn't... Last year was the first invite, finally.

I invited you, and what did you do?

What did you do? I couldn't make it. I couldn't make it.

What were you doing instead?

I can't remember yesterday. I remember.

What was that doing? I remember what you were doing instead. You were seeing- You were at Jen's. No, he wasn't at Jen and instance.

I'm going to go back in my calendar here. December 2023. No, you weren't in town.

Christmas, was it the 23rd?

Guess what? A friend of mine- I was at Jen's party. No, you showed up late at Jen's party. A friend of mine saw you at Meineke Mufflers on Los Cienico. They said that you- That's when the lines are the shortest. They said you were there for four hours. Hey, Hanging, and listen to this, hanging around, hanging around with no need of a muffler repair. Just chatting people off.

I have an electric car. Yeah, there's no muffler at all.

Konan, the worst part is that I heard that he was going to go to your party. He ripped his own muffler off. Yes. Just to delay going to your house.

He ripped it off just so he wouldn't have to go. Now, look, everyone says, Oh, would you go to Konan's party? Would you go to Jenn Anderson's party? Of course, everyone would go to Jenn Anderson's party. She's beautiful. She's iconic. She's a movie star. She's a TV star, and what am I? Some thin-lipped, beady-eyed creep. I get it. No one comes to my party.

Those were Sean's words once. He said that- I never said that.

He wrote them in The New Yorker.

They were in a piece of The New Yorker called That's why no one likes Conan O'Brien.

Sean, you've been to this party?

I've been to this party, but the only reason I get to go is because I have to go early to set up.

You have to work it.

You have to remember, Sean, before he hit it on Will and Grace, worked the party for seven years.

He was a cater Yeah, he was a caterweather.

I feel like that's a true story.

But that is a true story. I did it. I set up some party stuff at Anthony Edwards house before.

Was he kind to you?

He was very kind. Good guy. But your party is always super fun.

Wait, I'm circling like, good guy. What are you the decider of this guy?

Good guy. You don't know. You can't judge people. Can I say something? I'll tell you who a good guy is. A good guy is someone who I think I've done smart list a couple of times, the boost the numbers for you guys a little bit and help you get launched, I think, which was a big help. People were like, I don't want to hear these guys. Who are these got to work actors? Then, Hey, Konan's going on. I'll check it out. But listen, then... I did that for you guys, okay? Then, to return the favor, Sean Hayes, Ben here. Talk to me on my Will or not, comes sometimes when we don't even invite him, just hanging around, holding on to his muffler.

How have I not been invited?

You have been invited to my podcast many times. No way. Many times. Adam, many times? Many times. And your publicist, this is a quote from your publicist, not his cup of tea. Not his cup of tea.

I swear on my kid's life, I can't I remember being invited on your show.

Ask Adam if this is true. Konan, ask Adam if this is true. Adam. Three times he said he couldn't make it because of prior muffler engagement.

Okay, all right. Listen, that's a three-time callback, and that's a felony. Listen, Adam, Adam, Adam, is it not true that he has been invited many times and that his publicist, I don't remember her name. I think it's- Texting them right now. I think it's Enid Crud, I think is her name, said, not his cup of tea.

No, I'm not with her.

I can confirm he's been invited multiple times. You left Crud?

Wow.

No, Now, I'm texting Kara Trapicchio and Christine Trapicchio right now saying, show me the receipts of my invites to Cona.

That's right, because there's always a money exchange when I ask you to come up. Do you think that I'm not going to let you feel bad about this?

This is their business is just dancing around your rage fits, babe. There's no way that they're going to feed into this.

I know. Tell me something.

Conan, how do you spell your name real quick?

Okay, all right. Jason, if that's even your real name.

I-n or A-N.

Jason, it's K-O-N-I-N. Jesus.

Did you hear the little that text just went off in real time?

We're going to get a response. Jason, you're going to go this year for the very first time.

This is going to be super fun. To the party, but not to podcast I would like to be a guest on Kona's podcast.

You have been invited. You have been invited.

He's our North Star, what he's been able to build there with that podcast empire. I would like to go see how it's really done.

Well, thank you.

I saw right off In the camera, he was going like this. Just so in case, that's either the jerk off motion or the shucking corn motion.

I don't know what that is. Wait, I'm going to wrap this up soon because I have a guest. When is Taylor Swift coming in? Is she coming in now? She's coming in in person, right? Oh, my God. I don't know what the... You guys probably had her, but anyway, she's coming in. She's coming in with Travis? Travis Kelsey. That's the white whale.

Anyway, tell her to wait. Why are you wearing such a thick leather jacket indoors?

Leather jacket indoors, yeah.

I was given this leather jacket by the actors who portrayed both Starsky and Hutch about 15 years ago. I swore they said, We'll give this to you if you wear it on the podcast every day, and I do. I do. It's very cold here in our studio because we also store... It's a meat storage facility, primarily. Look at that.

You do have a beautiful studio there. We're hostage videos here with little laptops.

I find to really get a great interview, I haven't really listened to what you guys are doing, but to get a really good interview, you want to be in person and I have a real connection.

By the way, let us know if when you do get a good interview, let us know if your theory bears out. You know what I mean?

We'd love to hear. Now, Konan, if I were ever to be invited to be on your podcast, would I have to drive to you and be in some studio and be camera ready and hair and makeup and all that. That's what I call a talk show.

I'll make it deal with you.

That's a talk show.

Okay, Jason, I'm going to make it deal with you. I don't ever want you to leave your bubble. I want you to stay in the world where you're it and everything's cool. So I would probably-Oh, God.

Wait, here's a real-time response from my publicist. I said, Have I ever been invited to be on Konan's podcast?

And? She said, Yes.

You asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for now. Wow. Exclamation point.

How many years have you guys been focusing on your own? Holy shit. This isn't a new endeavor for you guys?

I'm so embarrassed. When was that? I don't remember that at all. I make it a point to do people's podcasts that have been so nice with us. We've done Dax's multiple times.

Oh, multiple times for Dax. Oh, that's nice.

David Cross is the one that I don't even know if it's on the air anymore.

Listen, that has never actually gone out. David Cross is- What's the address?

I'm driving over there right now.

No, I don't want you here anymore.

I'm driving. Tell Taylor to pump it. She's now the second guest. Can I tell you something else?

This is going to be an awkward Christmas.

I don't buy this whole I don't think your compatriots on the podcast do either this whole thing that, Oh, someone who works for me was cruel and mean on my behalf. That's coming from you, Bateman.

No, exactly. That's coming from you. You asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for it. I'm admitting to there was some garbage that came out of my mouth that I don't remember, but I'm not denying, and I owe you a hugey, and I'm going to come over and give it to you right now.

No, I don't want you there now. I think that's the trial.

No, I'm coming. Because what am I going to do?

I'm your new sidekick. I'm going to stand around and twist.

I'm your new Andy Richter. I can't wait. I'm your podcast Andy Richter for at least 12 episodes.

I'm going to sit around at my party and watch You Not Eat, and then look at your watch while you think about, Oh, when am I going to go see... I got to go to Jen's. I got to go to I want to be there when she's getting a dry blow, haircut, whatever it's called. I want to be there when she's styled.

No, I'm not. It's a blowout at a dry bar.

Okay, well, I'm sorry. I didn't grow up in Hollywood like you, freaks. I come from the real working class.

I'm from Toronto, you asshole.

Oh, yeah. Toronto, North Los Cienaga. That isn't even funny. I'm giving you stuff that's C plus material at best.

Hey, Connor, would you ever get to blow out on your hair?

Let's just say it's been done. You know what I'm saying?

Nobody knows what that means. Nobody knows what that means. You know what?

I'm going to be honest with you, Will, I don't understand what it means. If you want to drive a truck, you want to drive the best truck possible with a deep... Gfc. I will say this about you, Konan.

I'm going to put you a compliment here because it is the holidays. I will say this. I did your podcast years ago. The first time I did it, I did a live show. I've done a lot.

You've done a lot. You've helped me out a lot. You know what? You repaid the favor that The three of you love me. Two of you have repaid it very kindly. Thank you.

I will say, after doing your podcast, I was able to come back in and I said to these guys, I said, if this freaking ding-dong... Or no, if Konan can... What What are we doing? What are we doing? You know what I mean?

What's the fellow's name over there? Adam?

What's his name? Adam. Adam.

Okay. Adam. I know Adam.

Adam's great.

Hi, Adam. Let's just make sure you got a good Wi-Fi signal there on your phone or bars or something like that. Let's just keep an eye on it. We got an incoming.

We're going to book it. He now isn't putting himself on your podcast.

We're going to book it right now.

We're going to book it right now. We're going to book you on the podcast. You know what?

Guess what? Jason. I'm going to guest host. When you need to go out of town and vacation with your beautiful family, family. You need someone to go in there.

I'm going to the beach you guys are going to. Aren't you going to a beach together? I want to go to that beach. I want to hang with...

We'll do it from the beach.

I want to do it with the... I just want to hang with the smartness crowd. That's the cool crowd on the block.

No one wants to hang with them. It came. She's got follow-up here. The request came in when you were filming Black Rabbit, and then they followed up to ask. Okay, so this is in process. This is in process.

What's Black Rabbit?

This is the-Black Rabbit is his new show. It's going to be on Netflix next year.

He's amazing.

I'm going to come on and promote it on your show.

Sorry. Oh, so you'll come when it's time to promote something? Okay. Well, I hope you get the word out on Black Rabbit. Call Adam immediately. Listen, guys, let's end on a happy note, which is it's the holidays. Hey, you're the best-looking guys I know. I love you guys. You're hilarious. Love you too, Cohnen. It's the broom. Two of you have meant a lot to me. I just want to say I look forward to seeing you at my party, and then we'll all leave after three minutes and go to Jen's.

Thank you, Cohnen, for the holiday cheer. We love you.

God bless you. We love you.

Konan, I love you, and I'm sorry. No, no, no. The payback is going to be... You're going to feel horrible how much I give in the days to come.

In the days to come. He's doing your podcast this Saturday. He's He's going to give a speech. Oh, good. Standing next to the ham.

I'm going to break 16 hams.

Guys, I got to go. T Swift is here. All right. Peace out.

Peace out. Thank you, Cohn. You're the best.

Bye, Cohn.

Bye, you guys.

God damn it.

Smart. Smart..