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What's up, gigglers? Gary, fix the WiFi. Manifest that ship. We can't be managed.
I mean, The day just got away from me.
Okay, it's that time of year. We put together all our favorite moments. And by we, I mean Grace. She really went through like a needle in a haystack and found all the gold from 2024, all the moments that made you giggle the most. And I also have to say that we have a surprising drop on Netflix. I went to LA to shoot Torching 2024, a roast of the Year with Jeff Ross and Sam Morrill, Mark Norman, Tim Dylan, and Ms. Pat. And I put together a set, Roasting the Year of 2024. Make sure that you watch that. It comes out on December 27th on Netflix, where I roast the year. Watch it. Let me know what your favorite joke was, and we'll talk about it in the upcoming episodes of Giggly. I'll give you all the jokes that maybe didn't make the cut. Thank you guys so much for another amazing year. Gambling with You Guys is our favorite. Okay, Sorry, that was corny. Men try to get women to stop gossiping back in the day because it was sharing information so they would know what's going on. So gossiping is how we take down the patriarchy.
No, I'll stand by gossiping until the day that I die.
As As long as it's honest and pure.
And truthful. And she is a fucking bitch. That can be a fact. It's also really good for our brain because we hear something, we have to remember it. And then, so really, we're fighting dementia. Each day, once at a time.
But also, when you live life, you're supposed to have something happen to you, and then the fun of it is- Telling your friends. Telling your friends and reflecting on it and be like, What just happened to me? Am I insane?
No, we're storytellers. Sorry for entertaining. I feel like I can't go to a basketball game without spending at least one whole period of it being like, And then they make this into an ice-skating ring. Every time it blows my mind, I'm like, And Then they can do concerts here, too. Isn't that crazy? I'll never get over it. I'm like, But where is the ice? Right now, where's the ice? Right now, is it melted? I'm always asking the question.
See, I don't want to know logistics. I don't want to know how the sausage is made. I want it to be magical while it's made.
Is it underneath the court? Where is it at this exact moment?
Where are you hiding the hockey players? Where are they sleeping? Where are the Riders team?
Do they sleep here?
Why are TVs so complicated? No. Why do you need seven remotes to turn on a TV?
You can't go to someone else's house and just turn the TV on.
Isn't it not insane that if it's not your own TV, you don't know how to work it?
Have you ever been to a boys house when there's also a rogue Xbox controller? They're like, Use this. I'm like, Why?
Oh my God. I'm like, How do I use that? If he uses a an Xbox controller to turn on his TV, you will get chlamedia. Yeah, 100%. You will get chlamedia.
He's texting multiple other girls.
And he won't go down on you.
If he says, Here, just turn it on with the Xbox controller. Grab your things and get out. Did you know that when alligators are killing you, they spin you around? Okay.
We could have lived without knowing that.
They bring you to the bottom of the water and they spin you around and that's how you die.
Bite off my head like someone with fucking Go to therapy. The things alligators will do instead of going to therapy.
It's like, okay, guys, it's a bit dramatic. You have crazy teeth, just bite us. You don't have to do a whole performance art.
Now I'm like Team Sharks. No, I'm like, whole team.
Justin Just for sharks. They're like, Chomp and see ya. They're like, I have things to do.
Also, sometimes they'll just bite you and they don't even care to kill you. They're just like, oh, that didn't taste good.
They also can't see. So they're probably like, sorry. I didn't know.
They're like, Oh, my God, I'm gluten free.
I was like, oh, I'm You get bit by a shark and it throws it off. It's just like, EW. Take your leg back, you vegan.
It's like you didn't even enjoy my fucking flesh.
What's your headphones of choice?
I collect Delta headphones. I have hundreds of Delta headphones.
No, no, no, no, no.
Like hundreds.
When you get on a plane, you put the Delta headphones in your ears and you connect it to what?
The TV. If there's no TV, we're sleeping.
No headphones in?
No.
There's technology now that you never have to hear the sound of an airplane ever again. When I fall asleep, I'm not listening to anything.
I need noise to quiet my own thoughts. I don't want to be sitting in silence. That's the scariest thing you've ever said to me.
You get on a plane most of the time. Raw dog. Raw dog. Wait for her or he to walk around and say, Does anyone need headphones?
Does anyone need headphones? I always go, Yeah. Then I say, Thank you. Because regardless, I like free shit. I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it. The amount of Delta headphones I have my bag is crazy.
This is a wild revelation.
Then I love a fresh new pair. You pull it out.
Every time she walks by and says, Headphones, headphones. In my head, I always think, Who the fuck is getting on the plane without headphones.
People are like, I love throwing dinner parties. What is that life? That you, A, love to socialize. You're like, You know what would make my life better? If I had to cook, decorate, invite people over, and then clean after, that's my nightmare.
Having people over to my own home to socialize?
It's dirty. Get out. It's get out.
What if I hit a moment where I was like, I want everyone to leave right now?
I watch HGTV right now. It's a weird phase I'm going through, but I'm obsessed with it. They'll be like, What house are you looking for? They're like, We love to entertain.
I'm always like, Block party on the corner, all these kids running around the yard, parents talking.
Which is basically a child parade.
You'd have to literally drug me, tie my hands behind my back, drag me to that fucking block party. A party on your street that you live on with all the other people that live on that street? No.
I have to bring up the elephant in the room. I showed up with a tie, and I think I went a little too business formal I'm like, 80s businessman. Like, coffee's for closes. But I do have to say- See, I feel like you're giving news reporter, high school sports news reporter.
It's like, Boom, goes to Don might. It's like, assistant, volunteer. Boom, goes to Don might.
Brandon is killing it today. I wish I had a son. I realized having a tie, I know how it feels like to be a man.
It's like assertiveness.
Well, it feels like I have a dick. Yes. I feel like I was putting on my coat and I'm like, Oh, I'm I took my tie in. I don't want to be flinging around.
I have to keep it. I'm sorry. I have things to report to.
I know how it feels like to wear a dick because suddenly everything I say...
You're all of a sudden over explaining everything. You're like, Paige, I don't know if you know the word finance, but let me tell you about it. I just feel like an alpha man.
I'm like, Are you really going to talk to me while I have my fucking tie on like that? Do you not see my fucking tie? Respect the tie. Then you just want to flip it around, hit people with it. You'd, Thank God I don't have a dick. People say that men are more logical than women, but they actually just lack empathy.
Interesting.
They are just literally not thinking about how other people are feeling as much as we are. They're not logical. They're actually just psychopaths.
I really wish you didn't say that last part because...
Oh, because you are like that.
I feel like I am like that. I just feel as a woman, I'm not as emotional as some... I think there's a spectrum of everything. Grace, can you cut to last episode when she was crying, going, I've been so emotional lately? I was so emotional this weekend. I was tearing up that people were being mean to Joe.
I think you're being mean. First of all- She just wants to take out. Oh, yeah, let her take out.
I have a question for you.
I don't have AirPods. Is that what you're asking? No, but- I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't trust them. In what capacity?
Do you think the government's in your brain?
No, not at all. Do you know why WiFi doesn't really work? Bluetooth doesn't work a lot. So I'm like, I just don't believe it works. Wait. You're reasoning. No, I don't think it works. I've never tried it, but I don't think it works. Do you ever feel like it's my connect to the wrong person? You'd be like, hello?
Never.
Not one time. Not one time has it been a man just like, Hey. You know when the radio station's a little off, it's just an alien. They're like, I'm not reading their things. I'm like, What?
It's like, Hey, I'm in 13C. If you want to come back here.
When the AirPods first came out, their PR wasn't good. It was like people were dicks.
You're holding it again. Airpods came out 20 years ago.
No, when they first came out and guys were walking around with their Airpods and they were yelling with their Airpods, everyone was like, Okay, you're a fucking loser. Like, Oh, you have Airpods. What are you selling stocks 24/7? Chill out. Okay. I think I just never got past that. I was like, I'm not a dick. I don't wear Airpods. Then one day, I looked around and everyone was wearing Airpods. I think I joked with one of my friends. It was like, Airpods are for fucking dicks. Then I'm still in the corner joking about it when everyone's like, No, we all use Airpods. I thought Airpods was going to be threads on Instagram.
Yeah, you thought they were going to die down.
Yeah, I thought it was a thing, and then we were going to be like, Okay, we all lost it. Then it's a TikTok, I'm going to lose it. From Gen Zs are just shaving their butt hole.
For the first time?
No, because they're just eating ass.
That is one thing that I will never. I'm not reciprocating. Don't ask me. I'm a lady. That's when I become a nun. I'm like, You want me to what?
God forbid, he delicately puts his tongue on your booty hole.
No, he can do it to me. I would never do it to a guy. Ever.
Honestly, that tracks for you.
I don't even want to be down there.
You're like, I'm a star. I'm the talent.
I'm a talent. But also, I think I give that off because I've never been asked.
I've never had a guy try to really choke me.
Interesting.
Because I don't give off that energy.
You talk a lot. You would think they're like, I'm finally in here. Shut the fuck up.
The only time I shut up is when butter falls asleep by my mouth.
I'll be living my normal life and I'll think, Oh, my God, and some people do this plus have a baby. I'm like, That's crazy. Sometimes during the day, I'll be like, Okay, would I have been able to get all of this done and have a baby?
Well, yesterday, Ludacris came out, and naturally, every single millennial stood up and it came to us out of nowhere. I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, but I remembered every lyrics to Ludacris verse and yeah. Everyone's basically be like, Oh, my God, my kids and my husband were so scared. I was like, I scared butter. No, it's I realized I don't suffer from jet lag.
Because you're well-traveled?
Because I'm always tired. I don't know if it's jet lag or tired, but I'm used to it. I woke up exhausted, and I'm like, That's called the morning. Then it was 4:00 PM and I was exhausted. I go, Again, that's called the afternoon for me. It's called depression.
No, I think we have...
Depression?
No, like a nutrient deficiency.
I know, but what is that nutrient? We're not trying to find it. You know people are like, Well, have you cut gluten? No. I'm not strategically cutting out parts of my diet for a theory.
If you're saying to me the few words have you, just know it's not. It's not for me. Nope, haven't.
You want to discuss your nails? Because I actually liked it until I saw... My face. It's giving chicken cutlet. You're not going to be able to see it.
First of all, that's not what I was thinking. Of all the qualms, that wasn't one of them.
Asking for a French manicure is a loaded question.
My thing is just like, if you're going to freehand the white part, make sure you're better than me. Make sure you're better than me, honey. My other qualm was, she fucking cut me with the nail file. I was like, Fine, that happens. Like, whatever.
Assault.
No, literally. I was like, I've just been shot. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding out. I'm like, It's a Sunday afternoon. I'm bleeding out.
No, I once fully lost a whole section of skin. It was like gushing blood. You have to be like, It's okay. No, I literally was like, I actually felt That's so good. Thank you.
She literally kept putting alcohol on it. I'm like, Don't worry, it's not infected. It's just throbbing and the size of you talk.
I'm like, I don't think you need to put salt on the open wound.
You can literally see my pinky nail throbbing and red. I'm like, If you could stop touching it, that'd be great.
She put the gasoline on it and lights it on fire.
She's like, You don't need your binky nail anymore.
She just cuts off your finger. She goes, Perfect.
She's like, Sorry, I just nicked it. Perfect.
How about 15 What are the most attractive hobbies for men to do?
I would love to see this list.
Because hobbies in general.
Get a second job.
Playing an instrument. Is there any instrument that guy plays that you'd be like, That's hot? The recorder. Actually, the fingers would be hot. I'm like, Oh, he's fast. No. This I can agree with. Cooking. But I don't want them to talk about that they do it. I just want them to do it. Woodworking? No.
No. Let the I'm going to have one thing.
If you are a woodworker, you're a neppo baby.
If you give me a bird house, I'll throw it in the dirt.
Painting? No. No.
Painting is for me and my iPad.
Swimming? I like it because it tires them out.
Yeah, I'm not mad at that. Go swim.
Archery? Was this medieval times?
I'm actually not mad about it.
Old money?
She's giving a little bit of old money.
It's giving old money. You have to have a lawn.
It's giving quail hunting.
Finally, That's not a hobby. That's not a hobby. That's not a hobby. That's not a hobby.
Get jobs.
Get a job, figure it out.
I watch Salfrein. Whoever made this movie is sick. The people, sick. I feel like I can stomach a lot of things. I'm not kidding. If it's sexual and it's deviant, I can sit through it. I can watch it. I'm like, okay, big what? I thought it was going to be when people were like, 50 Shades of Grace. It's so crazy. Then I watched it and I was like, that's a Tuesday. Chill the fuck out. It's not that crazy. Soulburn is sick.
I think it's my favorite movie of the year.
You're sick.
I'm sick. I'm not crazy in the bedroom or anything, but I will enjoy cottage cheese. That's the sickness I am. I feel like we're opposite. I know what you mean. We're completely opposite. If a man spits in my mouth, I'm calling the police.
You're like, That's I'm saying it's disgusting.
Horrible. I told you, if a guy accidentally pulls my hair because we're turning it around, I'd be like, ouch.
But you'll eat Chipotle from the night before that hasn't been refrigerated. And you'll be like, whatever. It'll make me stronger. That's where we're opposite.
I'll find a tuna fish sandwich on the ground and eat it. When guys walk, you have to pick a side of the leg that it's just hanging on.
Well, I mean, have you literally ever googled a picture of Jon Ham? Yeah.
I should do it daily. Yeah, I do. It's my background. Wait, but I would feel so unbalanced. Not that my labia is perfectly symmetrical, but like...
But I feel like men don't even have that... I'll freak out if my sleeve of my arm is caught in my jacket. I'm like, I can't move. I'm on gumpe. I feel like they don't notice that shit. They're like, Oh, my dick is tucked into my sock accidentally.
They I don't know things.
I feel like winning the Super Bowl is an ick.
Okay, don't be the best.
It's gross.
It's like, Oh, you beat up all the other boys.
Also, here's another thing. All football coaches have to look the same.
Is that a criteria?
Because literally, they're showing the coach, and I was like, I thought he coached the Patriots.
No, that was an AI football coach.
Everything was AI last night.
People are like, How could he yell at his old coach in his face? This is a man who the testosterone levels are so high that his brain cells are fully just zapped. For a living, he gets pushed around and hit in the head. He's a human gladiator. The fact that he didn't beat the shit out of his coach is actually a miracle.
If a woman shows an emotion at all, specifically while doing her craft or whatever, it'd be like, This is why women don't run the country. I mean, you're so emotional. I mean, that's crazy. But he did it, and they were like, Oh, he's just passionate about his sport.
Also, imagine Taylor Swift sing Viva Las Vegas when she won Album of the year, everyone would be like, This is a medical emergency. Visiting hours are over. Bring her back to the ward.
Austin Butler somewhere being like, Excuse me?
People are joking that Taylor Swift is going to, when they break up, write a song called Viva Las Vegas. I found myself on Amish TikTok.
I'm surprised the Amish don't do more Amish retreats.
Imagine that's the next brand trip. It's giggly times Amish.
Grab your bonnets, ladies. All the big influencers rolling out dough.
Hey, what's the coupon code for this dough?
But I think they don't- Where did you get that churn?
You know what we need? The real- Housewives. Housewives of Amish.
I'll go to Pennsylvania right now. Where the fuck is it?
I want to know the gossip, too.
You're like, Did you try Becky's butter? It was so bad. Becky can't churn butter to save her fucking life.
No, her churning technique is so embarrassed. It's so chewy.
She's been making those same cookies every year. They think of something else.
Also, she's been doing braids for so long at a New York.
Forever. We're done with the braids, Becky.
They're like, Oh, my God. Did you hear which him Becky picked out today? That's so last year.
Becky says she believes in God.
She likes Top 40.
She also tried eyeliner the other day.
So I don't know. No, literally. Amish people end formal education at the eighth grade. I love it.
I'm going.
So did you. Most successful people are married women.
No, there's a legitimate statistic that when men and women get married, the men's life- The men get more successful. Their quality of life goes significantly up and ours goes significantly down. And that's just science because, yeah, they are now moving into a home where everything's clean, everything's esthetic. There's a refrigerator with more than just ketchup. Their minds are blown. Where we get in that situation and we're like, Towels don't go over the door.
I do have to say because I can't be fake. Maybe it's my form of feminism. I've decided that I'm going to take on the male qualities of I don't cook. I put the towel on the door.
I take my clothes- Do you put the towel on the I mean, it's lucky if it gets to the door, it's on the floor.
I take my clothes off wherever I'm standing and I leave it. I eat food and I leave it. It's this empowering thing that I do where it's like, it's not my job?
No. Because guess what?
Mom is working.
You've never given me anxiety, and that's why you're my best friend.
We're anxious together. But we're in our own different anxious world. I'm not making you anxious. You're not making me anxious. Then 10 minutes later, we'll be like, all right.
If in anything, you make me less anxious. That's why I was so mad at you for the White House.
You make me less anxious because you don't care.
Exactly. And put it on my tombstone. I don't care.
No, friends, I care too much. I'm like, You care more than I care about myself.
Yeah, I'm like, Why don't you just write me a life plan if you're going to care this much, bitch? Yeah, no, we don't care.
I feel like men after a breakup will just go with the next girl because they don't want to process the emotions and they need a girl to make them feel good. When a girl is in a breakup, she's like, I'm I'm getting new hair, whole new personality, new gym, new wardrobe, going to an Ivy League school to get a new degree.
Might even move.
I really do believe you always level up after these traumas.
A hundred %.
That's why I'm so pro-failing. Failing makes you so much stronger.
One quick, easy way that I like to see my progress in life is you go from who your first boyfriend ever was to then who was your next one, and then you just keep going.
Your first boyfriend was your favorite, so what did we do?
We were just kids. A mind must have occupation, or it will come to mischief. Jane Austen's Emma, adapted by Kate Hamel and directed by Claire O'Reilly, is now on at the Abbey Theater. There'll be gossip, dancing, and scandals galore as this classic comedy comes to life in a whole new way. Get your Emma tickets from 15euro@abbytheater. Ie on sale now. Funded by the Arts Council. Natalie, nick Vial's wife. Yes. She said something and she was like, Oh, yeah. And then I flushed my tampon. Oh, yeah. And the girls were like, What? Wait. Yeah, I'm flushing the tampon. No one's ever told me.
No. You've been exploding pipes nationwide.
I didn't know. I thought the signs at different restaurants and places, don't use feminine products. I was like, Oh, they have bad plumbing. I just thought they knew their plumbing was weaker.
See, my mom terrified me where she was like, If you put this in the toilet, the whole house will implode.
No, I feel like no one ever told me.
No, my mom was like, Everyone will die.
No, I'm not worried about it for a fucking second. Literally, I've gone this long, nothing's happened. I've never heard of a toilet blowing up. I've never heard of them shutting down because feminine products, I think we're fine. I think it's something that the men gaslit us about. They were like, We don't want it near us.
You know what I think it is? You know When you have your period, you go through like 100 rolls of toilet paper. I think it's a toilet paper business who's like, roll up the toilet and put it in the garbage.
Non-conventionally hot men, they're calling it Rodent Boyfriend Summer.
I'm just sick of when men are ugly, them getting rebranded into a trend? No, no. Why can't we do that for girls? Why can't be long, long, torse? Can't go Cuties. Double Chin divas.
It's never a greasy hair, Girl Summer. It's never slightly depressed, possibly anxiety.
Sweaty, dehyd girl, sexy summer.
Never.
We grew up with dad bods being cool, which is basically like, Hey, all the lazy guys It's can be fat. Who drink too much beer are hot. You can't. The PR on the men's side is so good, which is crazy because PR I thought was a woman run business.
They're coming for Hot Girl Summer. All of a sudden, it's a hot rodent boyfriend summer. No. Summer was our thing.
But also, I think we're in on it. We have internalized misogyny. No, I literally had it this week. Last episode, we thought Dr. Pepper was a man.
We assumed, and we apologized. I blamed my period instead of blaming my boyfriend this week.
But I think what the truth is, is that most women actually don't care what men look like. We just want them to be nice.
I will be arrested at one of my children's schools. There is just no way my kids are going to be born, go all the way through high school, and I'm not going to be like, Mr. Sorbo, you can't come to the field today. You're a problem.
It was a restraining order.
I'll fight a kid. I would have no problem kicking a six-year-old if they were mean to my daughter.
In first, second grade, I started to be naughty, and then I'd get in trouble. It was all about getting to my mom before the teacher could get to my mom. Do you remember that? No, that's an extreme sport. I just started walking and I'm like, Let's go, mom. We got to go. We got to go home. We got to go now. I got a lot of homework. And they'd be like, Ms. Berner? Ms. Berner, can I speak? And I'm like, Fuck. Mother, don't believe me. I did that, but she says, She's crazy. I don't believe it. My mom's a teacher, so she always took the teacher aside. Okay.
I had a Kim who was not a teacher. I cheated so bad. I cheated so fucking bad on a project. How old were you? High school. We had to make a brochure in Spanish. You know what I did? I went on a hotel website in Spain, and I printed out their brochure, and I handed it to her, and I said, Here you go. She calls my mom. She was like, Paige obviously cheated. She couldn't have written this. My mom goes, How do you I was like, prove it. How do you know? She didn't write it. Prove it. Then later, I said to my mom, I was like, I did cheat. She goes, I don't care. She's not going to call me.
You said the reason you decided to get a cat, finally, was because... Do you want to tell them?
I'm filling out all these fucking questionnaires that Hannah's making me fill out. I'm starting to freak out when I'm about to press send for the because I'm like, They're going to email back immediately and give me a cat. And then all of a sudden, I'm locked into this fucking cat. And I was like, I can't do it. Then I had a thought and I was like, No, Hannah's literally my most incapable friend. She's had a cat for eight years. I'm like, I've been to Hannah's apartment.
I'm fine. Calling me incapable is so on the nose. I'm the friend that you're nervous for an event, you call me. You're feeling down on yourself, you call me. If you're going to the airport and you forgot your passport, you're not calling me. You're not calling me.
In a pinch, you have to be somewhere in five minutes and bring a document?
No. I'll get the wrong thing. I don't know how to drive, but it's so true.
That's a major thing. You don't know how to drive.
That's huge. Honestly, if someone's like, Hide the body, I don't think you ask me. I think I have too big of a mouth. I also don't know how to hide a fucking body. Honestly, the admin of hiding a body?
No, I would never ask you.
I'd be like, Wait, where should we dig? I feel like- I'd voice note you.
I'm like, We have to cut it whilst. Because I'd be like, You never understand.
You go, Hey, can you help me hide the body? I go, I'm on my voice rest. Before we get to your big news, which I'm edging.
Is this embarrassing? But I just learned what that word means on TikTok.
Edging? Yeah. How did you find out?
I looked it up. I kept getting TikToks and they were saying the word edging, and I was like, What the fuck is that?
I did not think of- What is your definition of edging?
I didn't know it was sexual. I thought it was something do with landscaping. That's hedging. I had to Google what edging was.
What is your definition of it? As she takes a swig of water to ponder.
You build yourself yourself up, and then right when you're about to come, you don't.
But then I think you can also use edging in normal shit. I think I edge a lot in stories. It's like, get to the fucking point.
Okay. You build up the momentum.
I'm edging your announcement. Got it. I was trying to shut up and go on voice rest for two days. No.
You sent me more voice notes than you ever have in your entire life. Wait. Was that true? I thought you were just saying that as a bit. Were you legitimately trying to be on voice rest?
No, it's my new thing. Just tell people you're on voice rest if you don't want to talk to them.
I legit. I was like, Oh, she must have something really intense. I told four people I was on voice rest. In context, this is how Hannah told me, Hey, do you want to come to my house this weekend? I promise I won't even talk to you. You can literally sleep in another room. I'm on voice rest anyway, so I won't even talk. I'm like, That would last seven seconds.
If you don't want to talk to someone, just say I'm on voice rest, or if you want to really lean into the character, put it on your nose and just raise it and go.
When they ask for what, what's your response? You're just like, not at this time.
Well, it's easier for me because they know I'm a performer.
I believe you.
Anyone could go on voice rest. I might start.
If you have meetings, if you have calls. Imagine, Grace just sent in the newsletter one week and was like, I'm on voice rest.
I can't write this as because I'm on voice rest. No, just singers get really serious about it.
A lot of people say the most narcissistic thing you can do is have a child.
It is selfish to have a child because it's for you. It's not for them. They didn't choose this life.
You want something that looks like you, acts like you, and is you walking this Earth. We have enough yous.
I also realized that we are on the board of the childless cat ladies community.
We're there. We're the exact demographic he's speaking to.
We're the forefront of the marketing. We didn't sign up for it, but here we are.
Where are the chances I got a cat four days before?
I think you pissed him off.
I immediately was like... He goes, They're taking all our women. Like, as the President of single cat women, I will speak for all of us. How dare you?
I thought we both act like we're I know.
But you're married. It's like you don't have to talk about it.
But the truth, I don't have a boyfriend. No, you don't.
You don't.
Everyone lost their virginity half at first, right?
Yeah.
I think if you go full on the beginning, you're not okay. You should call your mom. You should call your mom. You got something- You should call some more of your mom.
No, I feel like every girl is like, Oh, no, no, no, no, hurts and maybe next weekend. I feel like I used to do that all the time. I still do that.
I still do that.
Actually, no.
Well, it's fucked up because we're experiencing, oh, whatever happens, I am losing something. I'm losing this innocent side of me where men are gaining respect and experience. Chris, after you lost your virginity, was there a moment where you were like... Where I went to all of my friends. I'm not a little boy anymore. I'm I'm a man. I just lost being pure.
Yeah, what is a guy's perspective?
I went to all my friends and we were all like, Yeah. I feel like I dated a lot of guys in New York City that couldn't fix things, and I got the ick.
I was like, If I can If you can't fix it and you can't, that's grossing me out.
The thing is for me, if a guy's too handy, I don't like it.
You don't want them to have a tool belt.
No, that turns me off. If he knows too much about toilets, I'm like, What it?
Yeah, get in Can we put your head in there.
Can I come for something right now? Yeah. No, I know I'm an adult right now because I did search for a sconce. I don't know how to put a sconce up.
You need an electrician.
And that's where they lose me. Where do you get an electrician?
Being handy is very important to me because I would put myself on the handier side of the spectrum.
You go to her apartment, she's like...
Oh, my drill bit. I definitely have a drill bit.
You're what?
A drill bit.
What's a drill bit?
What is a drill bit? Sometimes you got to drill things. You want that painting up? Yeah, I can fucking... I'll put that up on the wall. I have a level. I can do all of those things.
You saw my place. I literally just have paintings against the wall where I want them to go up.
No, I know. I could come over and fix those.
Men fixing things is important because they break a lot of things. What else are they doing?
Yeah.
No, but what else?
They should know.
What are they doing? Some people read books, which I'm very impressed by. I'm so proud of them. But I was thinking, who's reading more? These people who read books or me putting captions on every TV show, closed captions. Am I reading more? Does that count? No one talks about it, but Bitch has been reading.
I'm so glad you're bringing this to the forefront, especially during this time in our nation. The country is divided right now into two very distinct groups. People that love subtitles, and then it's people that are so purely enraged by them. I identify as a subtitles person.
Does said he did that in China when he was learning Mandarin. He put it, so you're learning English. I'm learning my first language, I guess. Because I actually think we miss a lot.
We've read so many shows.
No, we are avid bookworms. This is actually the best question I've ever gotten. If we were both kidnapped together, who would they kill first? For sure me.
100% Hannah because she's vocal. She's pointing out where they messed up, who's coming to get them. I've been paralyzed with fear. You're going to fall asleep because it is so stressed out. Yeah, I would have my non-golapsy.
I also feel like I'd try to be a hero. I'd be like, I got this. I know what to do.
Yeah, you wouldn't. And it would be like, Please don't. I would be like, Please I don't see that.
If they were going to keep one of us alive, it would be you because they'd be like, That one's sweating. This one's not sweating at all, and it's like 110 degrees.
This one we could fold up.
In this locker room. This one's not flexible. Her hair is very greasy. She's giving a stench. No. You would pretty much put it your way where they'd be like, We need that one.
I'd be in love with them. Yeah. They'd be like, What if we just dated?
You'd flirt your way.
I'd flirt my way out.
He'd be looking at me and I'd be like, I'm going to kill you. And then you look and he'd be like, Is P. J. Eye-fucking me?
She's being so weird, isn't she?
You would eye-fuck him.
Yeah. I would try and pull out whenever I could.
We went to Salem, Massachusetts because we wanted to see where all the witches were killed.
It was partly what we were expecting and then totally not what I was expecting.
We weren't so excited. We were like, We definitely were witches that were burnt the steak in a past life. Because if you weren't, you were a foggy loser. P She goes, Let's do past life regressions. This is going to be fun.
Let's clear the energy, clear the air.
Were we best friends? Was I a princess or a ballerina? I was like, I think I was an Amazonian woman. And she was like, No.
So we start with Hannah's and you tell.
She was like, Do you like bright colors? And I was like, I think so. And she's like, Okay, I think every person you were in a past life was a man. And I was like, No! Why? I was like, What man? And she goes, A I'm a voyant British gay man who was very rich, just prancing around his- She kept saying the word dandy.
Dandy. I was just like, What the fuck is that?
His wife was miserable because he didn't love her. Because he was gay. And he was just having anal all over England. Then I'm like, Okay, do Page. Just page a story. Do Page.
She's like, You are so sad. All of your lives, you were very poor, just sad. She was like, But your saddest life is you had so many children. Unfortunately, they all died. I'm just jaw on the floor. I'm just like, okay.
Meanwhile, I'm being gay, and she's like, your kids didn't even die of cholera. It was a sniffle. It wiped them all out. I'm still envision myself with the Banjo. I'm loving life.
No, Hannah has a top hat, is prancing through the streets with a cane, kissing men in alleyways.
She was like, You love being a mom, Hannah, you love being a bottom. She But then you're like, Okay, let's move on. Did we know each other? Were we best friends in every life?
Maybe my gay bestie helped me through the drama and gave me some money and helped me out. She was like, Yes. Oh, my gosh, she did. She did know each other. Hannah stole all your money. I'm like, So I have no kids, no prospects. I'm about to croke, and I'm homeless.
I'm using your money for dildos. The rest of the day, whenever we made fun to Paige, she was like, my children died. My children perished. Then whenever you made fun of me, I was like, please don't be homophobic. I was like, please keep your homophobia to yourself. We FaceTime this weekend. Both are annoying. You know exactly what I'm going to say. But we were fully in mid-conversation. You got up to go to the bathroom.
No, I got up to plug my phone in.
You're going to plug your phone in. I lost you.
Yeah, my phone died.
I lost And there was like two seconds where I waited to be like, Is she coming back? And then I hung up and I said, And that's that. And true friends, once your face, I was disconnected, it's the moment's over. You're not texting and being like, Are you good? Are you alive? No, we're done. That's how the conversation ends. If that's how it ends, that's how it ends. We didn't talk for the rest of the day. Not even a goodbye.
Yoga is my new drug. My old drug was drugs. Hello, I'm Sarah Pasco, a comedian. I'm going to be going on tour with my new show, I Am A Strange Gloop from June 2025. And I am going to be talking about lots of things like cleaning sweet potato out of my hair, how miserable I am as a mom, that stuff. There is a good part of an art gallery. It's called the Gift Shop. Tickets are on sale now at sarapasco. Co. Uk. I'd love to see you there.
I was really late to shave my legs because someone told me, once you start, you can't stop. You do it because you're hairy. So I was like, I'm not going to start. It's like people were like, You have the hairy side I've ever seen.
Do you remember when you couldn't... Girls weren't allowed to shave their thighs? I mean, you still abide by that rule.
No one said, You should start shaving your thighs. When you start, we just shave our shins because we're not that hairy on our What's your thing? Thighs.
I always thought that it was like, moms didn't let girls do it because your thighs are more sexual. To make it sensual to have sex.
So the hair can block the penis.
But I was so hairy in third grade. My mom was like, shave it all.
Do you remember the first time you heard your friend was wearing a thong? You were that friend.
You were the friend.
No, I don't remember that. I remember my friend being like, I'm wearing a thong and me being like, I thought she was going to the strip club. How does the thong that has multiple strings become sluttier? It has more fabric but looks insane. What are girls doing with that? Every time I meet a giggler, I'm like, You were It's gorgeous. I can tell when they're a little more paged than Hannah. This girl was actually page-coated.
It's so funny because when the Hannah's come up to me, that's the first thing they say to me. They're like, We get it. We're not your vibe. I'm like, I didn't even say anything. We're at a bodega. I don't even know what's going on right now.
My favorite is when the gigglers come up to me with two of them and one of them goes, She's my Hannah. Then there's some girl comes up like, Hey. I'm like, Me and your girl.
She walks out from the bathroom. She's like, Hey.
It's always perfect. I'm like, This is perfect. Whoever has a slickback button, I'm like, You're a page. They're wearing bottes. It's actually like- No, you can spot them in a second. In a second. Grace wrote something funny. She wrote, How do you answer the phone?
Well, if I know the person, I say hi.
Do you know what moms love to do? They go, This is she. Does your mom do that? Moms fucking live for that shit.
Why when someone professional calls, moms are immediately on the cast of Bridgerton. They're like, This is she. This is she. I am lady, do you talk about?
Can I speak to Hannah? This is she.
Let's do our customer service voice. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.
Hello.
That is so here, boy. Who is that bitch? Who is that?
I don't know. Her name is Beverly.
Okay, my turn.
Okay, my turn. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello.
Why is it so high pitch? Yeah, mine's really high pitch. You act like you're nice.
A phone call means I have to talk business with you. A FaceTime means something fucking insane happened. And a voice note means just keeping up.
Yeah, just keeping up.
This woman said that women are You're only physically attracted to 4% of men. Spot on. You ever have those moments where you're trying to figure out if you're gay or straight?
I feel like I did have that moment in college when I started watching Girl on Girl porn, and I got really scared. I was like, wait. I got to tell my mom that I'm a lesbian.
All straight girls like girl on girl porn. I don't know if lesbians like girl on girl porn.
I would assume they do. They're doing it in real life. I would assume that they're down with But I get that. We as straight girls, we watch it because we're like, they're safe. They're safe. They can't get pregnant if they don't want to be. Everything's good. They're braiding each other's hair. They're going to take a nice nap after.
She keeps asking her, Are you okay?
Are you hungry? Do you want to snack? I get that.
I think it's because I'm not attracted to any man who would do porn. So once the man gets in, I'm like, I don't want to fuck him.
And I always feel like you don't pick your Like, you're attracted to what- The porn picks you. No, literally, it does. I feel like porn pics you. You don't pick what gets you off. You just see it and you're like, Oh, and now I like that. Walking into anywhere, I think we should start saying, What's the energy I want to bring to this?
To this function? To this function. Do I want to ruin everyone's day?
No, because you should also plan. People are like, Okay, now be nice, but also sometimes plan to be mean.
Normalize not always bringing good energy to the function. Some functions need a balance of bad energy. Well, let's discuss the energy you brought to the function at my premiere party.
That energy was Wack-a-doodle.
I'm not a big partier. You guys know that. But if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it.
And my mistake for not realizing that you were doing it.
So I see you. You look like a feral cat, scared, need to find a hiding spot. So scared. I look at you and I'm like, You're here. I'm so happy. People were like, Where's the photos of Paige? I was There's one of you scurrying out. There's one of a panic in your eye, clearly being like, How do I get out of here? But this is true friendship. People were like, Where's Paige? I'm like, She came. We made eye contact, and she left. She had to go.
Hannah and I got invited to the White House. Hannah and I got invited to the White House. I thought it was a bit.
I thought Ashton Kutcher was pranking us.
Yeah, I was like, And you want to know what? I appreciate the recognition from the White House because they were like, Look, we're in a pickle. We're in a real bind. Who can save the country? We should call the giggly squad. I respect it.
Who at the White House is a giggler?
That's what I'm trying to think. Because I'm like, okay, there's a girl there who's just typing away, and she's like, what if I just added them to the list? I have bills to pass.
You're like, the poof is back. It's a woman's initiative. What are you going to initiate?
Just like, vibes. Probably like, I think we should focus on vibes for 2024. Probably both.
What year are we?
Sorry.
Do you think in a past life, you were a president's wife?
No, I think in a In my best life, I was part of Parliament, like someone's wife in Parliament. I feel like I lived in Europe. Okay, yes. I didn't fuck with the Declaration of Independence.
Maybe it was like, royal, maybe like a prince.
Maybe.
Maybe. Men are not natural-born leaders.
I mean, we could go as far back as Adam and Eve. Okay? Because Eve got the apple, gave it to Adam. Why didn't Adam get his ass up and look for his own apple? Military? All men, pretty much. They're taking orders from other men. They love taking orders. They love being told what to do.
Because men are dogs, women are cats.
And so it's so facto.
I'll do it just say, if you're listening and you're still on the fence, think about your mom.
Now we really sound like a cult. You're on the fence of believing us or not.
If you still don't want to buy our Tupperware- For 1999, we're going to slash that price right now. Think about your mom and dad. Someone has a key to the nuclear weapon. Who are you giving that key to?
My mom. First of all, my dad's losing it. The man doesn't even have an email address. They wouldn't even be able to give give it to him.
Why do whenever you go anywhere with your parents, your mom has a whole duffle bag for what everyone needs. Your dad doesn't even have a wallet.
No.
He has a clip.
No.
He's running the world with a clip. I don't think so.
My dad has a rubber band.
Our Another example. The motivation is being held on by a rubber band.
Literally, a thread. You humbled me so badly this week that I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I was complaining about an array of things in a voice tone, and I said to Hannah, Whatever. I'm just really anxious and emotional. It's probably because I just got my period. And Hannah listed everything that was wrong in my life. I mean, there were like 10 things, and she just went down a list and she goes, No, but it's definitely your period for sure. And I was like, You know what? I have to apologize to all women. But the men made me think that. Hannah was like, Maybe it's because you're on one of the most insane reality shows. Your boyfriend's in a public feud. You don't leave your apartment. You I have debilitating anxiety. Grace broke her jaw. Grace literally chucked herself down the stairs.
But yeah, blame your poor period who's just a woman in the arts trying to exist happily.
She's like, I literally haven't been here for a year and you're already complaining.
I'm like, also, what was the excuse when you couldn't get your period for the last two years. But the second she comes back, we bring it up. But you know what? That's part of girlhood is that whatever happens, you go, But I don't know. It's because I'm on my period. Even if you're not on your period. My period was either two weeks ago, a week after, I don't care. It had happened.
Girls really get one week where they can know what their personality truly is. It's hard. But we're also normalizing that men are hormonal. That's hormonal. What a way to piss them off.
When a guy punches a wall after the sauce runs out of control. Wait. Imbalance.
Talk about a way to really piss off your boyfriend. If he does something and with a straight face, you're just like, Are you hormonal?
I also love when men get emotional. They they act like, Oh, sorry, I was emotional. Everything I said didn't count. But when girls are emotional, they're crazy.
There's just so much wrong. That was layered. It is not the week to mess with me. The TikTok Dance documentary.
I think because I'm like, adjacent to the cult community. So it comes up on my ALGE. I just got the ick on myself. Dancing is a cult. First of all, dancing is a cult. You know all those videos where everyone's in a circle and someone's dancing? That's a cult. All we can do is help people who are thinking of joining dance right now. Say maybe... Don't. Maybe just stick to getting a little drunk on Saturday and shaking your ass and then call it a day. Let's dance. If you say, I want to dance tonight, it means you want to do drugs. But cults are real, and I have empathy for people in cults because I want to belong to something. I want to put all my faith in something else and just have hope and listen to someone. This guy in particular created Shaqina, which for some reason sounds like vagina to me. And they kept saying Shikina. I'm like, Is it Shikina? I feel like it's not Shikina.
Okay, throughout the entire documentary, I still don't know what they meant when they were referring to that.
That's the name of his church. So people can just make a church and call it something. So if you're not sure if you're in a cult, if they're telling you- You can't call your mom. Every single- You're in a cult. If your mom can't send you a meme, you're in a cult.
If your mom can't DM you a meme, you're in a cult. I'm going to say something, and it might be a little controversial, I just don't feel like anyone who is Italian has ever been in a cult because of our moms. Because there's no way I'm calling my mom and being like, Sorry, I can't come home. She'll be like, Oh, really? Okay. You know when you're in college and you have a hungover next day and everything's funny and you're just like, I never want to leave this place. This is the best day of my life. We're all in our jammies eating food and everything's hilarious. No responsibility. No one cares about you. That is Giggly Squad. It's like that hungover next morning where you're not sick, you're just silly.
But you're a little sick in the head. But we're thinking it's cute.
If you have a moment of silence and you think back to everything you've ever done, you're like, oh.
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