Transcript of Giggling about housewives, brand deals, and anal beads

Sup, Gigglers? Gary, fix your Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

Hello, my groundbreaking Gigglers.

Are we on? Oh, we're on.

We're on. We're live.

We're here.

Can I just do a quick PSA?

Sure.

Because, you know, we like to keep it real.

Yeah.

On the pod.

Yeah.

We're fucking like, we're vulnerable and real.

Yeah.

I just know that most people, when they stop listening to the pod, they think to themselves, Hannah's perfect. Like, that's the first thing you get from— you're like, oh my God, Hannah's so perfect.

She's aspirational yet inspirational. She's a redhead yet also a brunette. How does she do it?

Believe in yourself. But, um, I just want you guys to know I'm actually not perfect. I failed my Invisalign. Like, as I had it perfect at one point and everyone was like, oh, you're so perfect. And then it— I actually felt like I wasn't relatable because my teeth were like really fucking straight. So then this last year I've— I haven't done it. And I think I have to do the like walk of shame where I have to go back to the dentist and be like, hey, how are y'all doing? And I have to start Invisalign over because the bottom of my teeth look like cemetery that like is a bad cemetery.

I hate to kick you when you're down. I truly, truly do.

No, I know, because you're on your shit.

Well, I just finished, and I'm gonna go get my permanent retainer like next week because I can't be trusted to wear it every single night.

I can't either, especially with all the travel.

So I'm gonna get a permanent one on my bottom teeth, and then I'm gonna see if I'm gonna do Invisalign for my top because I had to separate them.

Are you more of an Invisalign top or bottom?

I went bottom first, which I wonder what that says about me.

I know, I'm a A chaotic bottom. That's what someone told me.

You're a messy bottom. A strong bottom.

We are messy bottoms.

We're matching.

We are. Well, I do have to say, you guys, when you hang out the amount of time that me and you hang out and talk, you do start getting the same words.

Sorry, my Instacart just gave me an alert that they are in fact going to send me a different toaster.

Are you okay with that?

I'm okay with that. I'm on a real toast— I don't care because I'm on like a real, you know, like toasting. My meal right now— this is gonna be disgusting— that I'm eating over and over again—

fixation meal—

tuna sandwich.

Okay, you're speaking to the tuna queen.

I enable that, but only homemade, not ordering tuna.

How much mayo are you putting in it?

I'm, um, moderate. Okay, to— I'm heavier rather than being light.

Are you doing mustard?

No.

Are you doing relish?

No.

No relish?

No.

Are you doing Lemon.

I'm doing tuna, mayo, onion powder, garlic powder, salt, pepper. Oh, cheese on my sandwich, but I don't toast the bread because the tuna— I don't like a tuna melt.

Hot tuna is illegal.

And then I'm doing Lay's Ruffles.

Hashtag sponsored by Lay's.

Then I'm doing—

on it?

Sweet? No, on the side. Okay. Then I'm doing American cheese on it though. Then I'm doing sweet baby petite pickles. If you only fuck around with like dill pickles, or you're— and you're not in the sweet baby pickle game, you're really—

you just love them because they're little and cute, not because they actually taste better.

They're sweet, they're cute.

Wait, also, you would use American cheese?

Love it. Kraft Single. Right from the fucking plastic.

American cheese is so American. Like, you know, all the other cheese look at it and they're like, you're so annoying.

Well, they're like, you're made in a lab.

You're made in lab, you're fake, you are like the loudest but you don't actually taste better.

Have you seen that thing where people are trying to be like, you— I can tell if you're an, um, IVF baby. They're saying that they're prettier. So like, upside. But yeah, really. But I don't think that's true. I just know that I've never looked at someone and been like made in a petri dish.

Growing up in Park Slope, Brooklyn, there were a lot of power lesbians and just like power women who had like huge careers, and then at 42 did IVF and they all popped out like twins. It was so chic. They just pop out twins once. So I had a lot of twins friends and I'm like, who's your mom? And they'd say like the fucking founder and CEO of something. So I knew that it was twins, but I didn't— I don't remember the twins being particularly good looking. A twin listening was like, okay, what's with the—

I do find twins to be a bit freaky. Like, just the science of it. It's like, oh my God, that egg split in half and now there's two of you. Like, if you really break it down, it's like quite weird. But I do envy their bond. I really do feel like they're telepathic. They like feel the same thing. I think that is very fascinating.

I do also think people with IVF kids, you know, I don't know about you, but my family would joke a lot. But like my dad, I'd say something like, hey, can I have $5 for pizza? And he'd be like, you owe me $300,000. Just like come up with numbers of like the expenses of just being my dad. Yeah, but like, I wonder if moms who were like, I spent what, $100K possibly to like have you, like treat them differently than like an accident or a mistake.

That is so—

was that too dark?

Dark. So dark.

So—

because okay, you could, you could argue the same sentiment for like a dog you adopt versus a dog you buy?

Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. No, because the dog you adopt, you're like, you— I saved your life.

No, the one you, you love them equally.

Okay, yeah, yeah, just like your children. Yeah, but like $50,000 for a baby, it's— or like if the kid did anything, I'd be like, you owe me money.

No, like, you owe me money.

If they're disrespectful, you're like, I literally paid for you and now you're turning on me.

Yeah, like you came into this world with value. And I gave you that value. Wait, I have something that's like kind of annoying me, but I don't bring it up.

This is the— this is the space to do it.

It might be a bit controversial, and I don't mean it to be because you never said something controversial though, so don't worry. I'm—

and I'll agree with you regardless what you say.

So here for the gays. I want the gays.

Okay, I'm out of this. I don't want to be a part of this. Okay, no, it's—

wait, just Follow me, follow me. I'm so here for the gays. I want them to get all the brand deals. I don't care if you wear makeup, if you don't wear makeup. I don't care, I don't care. Do whatever. I want you to have equal opportunity. With that said, something came across my desk. Now, you watched the last season of Traitor, so you know Rob Roush. I know him from Love Island. I don't even remember that season now.

I didn't know his last name was Rausch.

Yeah, I just learned that.

How the fuck do you spell Rausch? Anyway, continue.

Anyway, it's not important.

I digress.

So, and not to say that you can't come back from a reality TV edit, not to say that like you should be held to your edit in a game show. He won the game.

Like, coming for me right now.

Forgive Hannah, she never had sex in the bathroom. Okay, and we're here to say it here and now. Anyway, we digress. Back to my story.

Sorry.

So like, whatever, Rob should do as many brand deals as he gets. Fine. He has an ad right now for Kosas lip plumper, and so he wasn't wearing the product. Well, no, he's not. And like, that's why I'm saying, like, if there's a gay man that's like, I wear lip gloss, and they gave him a brand deal, I'd be like, yeah, I got it. A hot man selling lip plumper and talking about it in the— like, the ad is him being like, I feel everything. I feel hot, and then I feel cold. Like, I don't know if the lip plumper is like cooling and then like warm. I don't know what the objective was, but I know we're talking about it. We're talking about it. But it didn't make me like go buy Kosas. Now, when Sarah Pidgeon did Road, iconic.

'Oh, should I buy a red lip gloss for the summer?' Well, this reminds me, do you remember when Matt Rife did an e.l.f. commercial and people rioted and had to take— they took down the commercial in like 5 hours? They were like, 'Why the fuck?' Other problematic things. Yes, yes, yes. But I'm saying there was the overlying, like, 'Why is a man getting paid to promote female beauty standards?' kind of thing.

Yeah.

I have to say, I am wearing Kosa's lip If we could do a little close-up.

Must we?

Stun in. Is that funny? And does it, right? But that's actually— that's using the product.

I think I'm wearing makeup right now.

I just— men getting brand deals in general gives me hives.

Freaks me out.

I don't like it at all.

I don't like it at all.

Don't tell women what to buy. Like, we're already getting $0.70 on the dollar. Don't tell me to waste my money on more shit.

If you're a man and you're in the situation that you are getting brand deals, Yeah, I feel like they should be for you guys.

Make other men feel ugly and tell them that like they need to like color their hair or they need to use eye patches or pimple patches.

Don't market to me.

Don't market to me. Also, like brand deals is the one thing that women have. Like, that's why people hate influencers, because women are able to get generational wealth from shilling product.

And men, if you think about it, It's not like all of a sudden these companies have all of this money. That advertising money would have gone somewhere, but it— because it's going to a 19-year-old influencer in Iowa, people are mad. The men are mad.

Also, shout out to influencers, because before you guys, it was going to big business. It was going to, you know, commercials.

It was going to networks.

We're now— they're saving money because when you get an influencer to do your deal, there's no production fee. Yeah, there's no hiring.

Overhead is not as—

and it's getting more engagement than the commercial that no one was gonna watch.

Getting niche, like you can hit different market niche markets.

Yeah, but Rob's, you know, he's having his moment, right? And, uh, he did an erotica book. Did you see that?

I did not.

Well, I love— Rob kind of was like, I want to live a slow life on a farm. That's how we ended Traders, which That was the funniest part, Traders, to me. But then he did say like, I love attention at some point.

Well, yeah, obviously you don't—

you don't get a snake tattoo. That's why if you don't like—

I've heard like there's like a cast. Oh, I watched the Real Housewives of Rhode Island like out of nowhere. I was just like, maybe I could watch Housewives again. And I watched it. I have thoughts.

Okay, but wait, what was I just saying with Rob with a snake tattoo, how he loves attention?

I hate when there's a cast of a reality TV show and they're like, Who's in it for fame?

Oh, who's in it?

Who's the thirstiest? Y'all signed up to be on TV every single day.

Did you sign up for the love of the game? Yeah. I love how people in the beginning were like, I am here to find love, which is totally fine, but you can find love anywhere. It doesn't have to be on camera on a network television show. I do think that reality TV has shifted in that before it actually was just kind of like crazy people being like, fuck it, let's do this experience.

Yes.

Where nowadays everyone is like, holy shit, like Cardi B was on reality TV and she won a Grammy. Like Kim Kardashian's reality TV, now she's a billionaire. Like people see that and no one goes on reality TV because they're shy, right? No one goes on reality TV to be like, I just want to keep my private life private, right? Um, but you were saying you watched Rhode Island?

I watch Real Housewives of Rhode Island. Well, I was on the phone with Lucho the other day, and so— and he's from Rhode Island, and so we just like naturally started talking. He knows them all.

Yeah, he knows.

He literally was the casting director. They wanted him on, but—

oh, he'd be—

to our point, he, he would be so good, but he would never— he wouldn't want that life.

No, I think it's good for him to maybe like just promote his great photography services. Yeah. So the only joke I saw online was that they said every girl looks the same.

So Lucho will randomly call me and we'll just talk like business, like he'll come up with business ideas and we'll just like chat back and forth. He's just like the My gay best. Yeah, he's the best. He's a girls gay, like he can't understand when there's like not girls.

He is a gaygler to his core.

So anyway, he was like, you have to watch Real Housewives of Rhode Island. And I was like, I really can't watch Bravo, Bravo, and I can't watch Housewives, like I just can't do it. And so I'm like laying on the couch and I'm like, whatever, fuck it, like I'm just gonna turn it on because it's new. Because it's new and like watching a first season of a show, usually it's not that dramatic because they've never filmed a TV show before. You don't— you haven't really gotten—

they're not fighting about who's more famous yet.

No, there hasn't been like rumors yet from like blogs. There hasn't been someone like trying to take someone down. Yeah. Oh my God, something's in the water in Rhode Island. What? They are so open, so vulnerable. They don't know, and they don't get mad. They have not gotten to the point where they get mad at each other. They sit across from each other and they go, hey, is it true your husband has a girlfriend? And the girl will be like, babe, no, but like maybe. And then they like go on with their day. And it's every single one of them has cheated at some point. It's one of the craziest shows. The one girl has a boyfriend of 10 years that she only sees for half the year, but she in the home in Rhode Island. He has another girlfriend in Florida. They're fine with that arrangement. Now she's going to get another, but very open. And they're like, ask me whatever question you want. One lady goes on the, on the TV and she's like, I don't love driving. I, I drove over a woman one time, but I don't love driving. And they're like, can you, can you rewind?

And she's like, yeah, I drove over a woman. Next question.

How more clear can I be?

I was on for 7 years. You had to waterboard shit out of me. Like, I— it was so crazy.

Well, that's— you said that about Mormon Wives, how the first season they're so just like, and you slept with this person, you did this, and they're just letting it all out. And then—

and the viewer thinks they want that until then they like—

well, the viewers—

someone—

the viewer does want it until then the viewer gets mad because they're not getting anything from it.

And then they realize, like, kick them off the show, kick them off the show. And it's like, they're the show. Yeah, that's why that person is—

one of the girls looks just like Dolores. Um, do you think they're all using— do you think they're all using the same injector and that's why they're kind of like looking alike? Or, you know, it's funny, and I got some inside tea. Yeah.

Um, I was like, oh, they're all Italian because they marketed it as almost like a rivalry to New Jersey. I, I almost feel like Bravo did that so that New Jersey got their shit in check.

Oh, like they're saying these girls will replace you.

These girls could replace you. Figure out like—

they go, we don't have room for that many Italians on the network.

Well, okay, so they marketed it very mafioso. Yeah, but none of them are Italian.

What? Yeah, I thought they all were.

No. What are they? Maybe like one of them is. I don't know.

Brunettes?

And then Ashley Iaconetti is on it from like Bachelor franchise, which I watched.

She has a crazy background and she was a podcaster back in the day.

And I've met her a couple times at Amazon Live. She's very lovely on the show. She was always very lovely in real life. She is aghast at the girl. I think she's probably the one that's the most like, oh, this is like a crazy topic to talk about, like your husband having an affair. There's one lady on there that's like, everyone's like, your husband's cheating on you, and she's like, I know, but like, please stop asking about it. I'm just gonna live with it. Basically, she's like, I'm gonna live with it, and like, I want you to with it.

She's like, we're talking about practice.

And it's very fabulous, like, which is what people want to watch. They look good, they're full glam.

The mansions in Rhode Island are gorgeous.

Their homes are nice.

Also, Rhode Island is so small that I actually believe that they are in each other's business. We're like New York, people are like, yeah, we've been friends. I'm like, y'all never even heard each other.

3 of them, they're like, I've known this person since I was 4 years old.

Like, Ashley and Kanati— I don't know if I pronounced that right.

Gennady, I think.

I just got PTSD for the first time. I interviewed Teresa Giudice and I called her Guadice. Yeah. And she said, what do you call me, sandwich? Um, so Ashley's story was she was on The Bachelor and did like— she was— she's really pretty and cute and she did fine.

Okay.

And then she went on Bachelor in Paradise.

Got it.

Meets this guy Jared, who is her husband now. They look related, which sometimes like that happens with couples, but they look— it's brother-sister vibes. Yeah, they hit it off. And then he immediately is like, I'm not into this. She spends the entire season crying over him.

Oh, she cries a lot on the show.

She cries. She's always crying, but like, not in an annoying way. It's so funny.

I didn't— yeah, I didn't find her annoying at all.

You're almost like— it's like, it's like nice to see someone just so free with their tears.

She was who, like, the viewer is.

Let it out, girl. She's like, wait, I actually—

I'm gonna cry.

Overwhelmed. She's always crying. And I don't remember if it was that season or another season, but basically you're like, this guy doesn't like you, like, move on. You guys had something. I don't know what's going on, but he's like— nothing doesn't like you, but like, you deserve better at this point. Yeah. Somehow the tables turn and he proposes to her.

Okay.

And now— and he's from— I was gonna say Long Island. Rhode Island.

Okay.

And that's how she ends up with him.

They own a restaurant.

Yeah, they own some of that stuff. So anyway, it is funny how all the reality TV places I think because of streaming, they're all starting to merge and everyone's like— it used to be very like the ABC people stay with ABC and the Bravo people weren't going on The Bachelor and stuff.

I think the biggest thing for me that I see a lot in reality TV, specifically Bravo, is like where in the country the show is based because it says like the fans are quite different, the vibe of the show is quite different. And the conversation—

does Salt Lake City Housewives and Mormon wives, like, have they ever intermingled anywhere?

Salt Lake City and Real Housewives of—

and the Mormon house— sorry, the more Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

I think, like, in the wild or on the show?

Like, in the wild, 100%. They're all like—

yeah, I think they're all at the same events. They all know each other. Like, they're all in the game. That is so, so interesting, right?

I have some mental health moments since we just went through some reality TV.

Okay, do you want to do it before or after we talk about Lamar?

What did Lamar do now? Oh, I saw a quote, but it was too long of a quote. I didn't read it.

So he's doing like some type of press tour for the documentary, and obviously every single person that interviews him is like, oh my God, wow, Khloé like really saved your life. Like, she stayed with you for 4 months. She basically told your dad not to kill you and like helped you learn how to talk again. And he sits there and he's been looking at every single interviewer and being like, well, God saved my life. He's acting like he's never loved giving credit to a man. Yeah, it was.

Of course he said a man did it.

No, it's like it's actually really hurtful. Like it's— it seemed the way he's answering is that he seems very annoyed that she's getting any type of credit or any type of notoriety.

He's, um, re-saying the story in his head differently so he doesn't have to feel bad that this woman— that he hurt this woman so bad. That's what I— that's my two cents.

Well, a lot of the comments were like, yeah, God sent Chloe. Like, God didn't come down and say, what's up Lamar, sorry about those erectile dysfunction pills, let me fix you up.

Did God send you to the brothel too?

Yeah, like, you can't pick and choose when God is helping you. It just— it would put a very bad taste in my mouth, and it was just like mean. I really I just felt like it was mean. Yeah, it was like you could have said thank God for her and also thank God.

I know they're not together now, and I know they probably have some forms of beef, but you can acknowledge that certain people were there for you during a season of your life at the right time.

Beautifully said.

Actually, not to bring it back to Housewives, but Margaret Josephs I interviewed back in the day because she's— she left her husband for her, um, construction contractor.

Yeah.

I had said, like, did you regret your 10-year marriage that you— because she's like, I found the love of my life, I found the love of my life. And she was like, no, that man before was the right man of love in my life for that time, and then I evolved, and this is the love of my life right now. And I said, okay, MJ. I said, shout out MJ.

Okay, well, to stay in that same vein, Nikki Glaser just went on Call Her Daddy and said, I don't mind if my boyfriend hooks up with other girls. I personally don't want to hook up with other guys while I'm dating him, but if he hooks up with other girls, that's fine. To each their own. She's stronger than me.

Well, she joked that she was like, I love women, and that's ultimate feminist move.

She's like, I trust their opinion.

But my thing is like, if your man's hooking up with other girls, hook up with other guys. Yeah, that is layers and layers of like psychology that I don't have the capacity to get through right now.

Yeah. And like, I have a full-time job. I can't look at your location. And then put it together from someone else's location. Like, I don't have the time. Yeah, to look into it, and it would consume my day.

I think Nikki also is kind of like, I know I'm funny and I know that I have a connection with you, so if you want to hook up with other girls, that's fine, but I'm like the one you're in love with.

But I feel like if you are considering cheating, it's so much easier to send a text and be like, hey, I hate you, I'll never see you again. Hey, just wanted to reiterate, I hate you, and I'm actually leaving.

I just— I don't love the idea of me like needing my man for something and he's on his phone like scrolling through other girls. Yeah, no, that's not what I need. But shout out to Nikki, um, she has a Hulu special coming out, and then I think mine would come out after hers. So shout out to Hulu for putting the girls on in stand-up.

Yeah, I love that.

I'm actually in like a deep editing hole right now with my special.

And you got your hair dyed.

And I got my hair dyed.

It looks so good.

Well, you like it? Okay, good. You never know what the red, like, the tinge it's going to come out in, but it's so good. And my hair— I'm getting Invisalign and I'm finishing up the edit.

And then it's over for you bitches.

The edit, though, is crazy because like, I'm literally sitting through hours of footage of myself being like, yeah, I don't like that angle. That's right side of my face. Click it here. It's, it's getting dark. Yeah. I'm at the point now where I'm like, Grace, can you just tell it? But we did this cute thing where at the end we did exit interviews with like girls leaving. So I'm looking through like all the stuff they said to me. Really cute. I think I'm going to edit it and put it at the end, like with the credits.

Yeah.

Which could be cute.

Blooper type thing.

Yes. Yes. So that's fun. But yeah, the editing of the special is harder than the 2 years on the road.

Tedious.

Tedious. And like, there's nothing worse than having to judge yourself. Yeah, because I try to come from a place of self-love.

Even like watching yourself.

Yeah, and having to be like, this is good enough, this isn't good enough.

Listening to your own voice back, you're like, great, I'll never speak again in public.

My laugh, like when I do a random laugh, my laugh in the background of Instagram stories, that was the first—

you know what's so funny is because I've gotten so close to my brother's girlfriend, she's like truly one of my best friends, and when I first met her, she has the most insane laugh I've ever heard.

I love her laugh. I fuck with girls with a laugh that you're like, did that just come out of you? That's—

I feel like that to the point where I've looked at her before and been like, we're in public, Amanda.

Like, you just see— I'm like, finally I'm getting the respect I deserve. I'm like, that's the laugh. Anything less than that is— I don't want.

It's changed my whole life because now when I'm with her and we're laughing, yeah, whatever we're laughing about immediately becomes 10 times funnier because I can tell by the range of her laugh how good of a time she's having, and it makes me have a better time. And it's like, it's just the best thing ever.

And that's the ethos of Giggly Squad.

It kind of is. And I said— I actually sent her a TikTok the other day. It was like, this girl made a TikTok and she was like, I just had the realization that there's a girl in the world that gets excited to see my brother's name pop up on her phone, and that's disgusting. And so I sent it to her and she like texted me. She was like, that was so fucking funny and Gary's so mad about it. Because she must have like started playing and like immediately started laughing.

I feel like your brothers want you to get along with their girlfriend until they don't, you know what I mean? Like until it's too much and they're like, now I'm getting bullied.

Me and Amanda, like when we go on our family vacation in Italy, it's It's as if I brought my friend.

Yes.

And then like my brother's there and I'm like, oh, you should like meet my friend maybe.

Yeah, it's literally there. My brother didn't let me meet his girl at first when we were in college together because he was like, I don't— yeah, let me just— and I'm like, okay, that's rude. No, because he literally kept me away from her.

There's so many things that my brother will do and I'll look at Amanda and I'll be like, I would leave.

No, that's the one thing that Des doesn't have parents or sisters.

I have no one to look at and be like, okay, you want to hear something beautiful? It's like such a mental health moment. I truly lived my whole life being like, I wish I had a sister. Like, I can't believe I don't. Like, if I had a sister, I'd have like a built-in, like, friend that like always takes my side and like always has my back. And now to think that like one day I will have Amanda as my sister, like I already refer to her as like my sister-in-law. Like if we're somewhere like like, oh, that's like my whatever. And so it really— it's kind of beautiful that like I'm getting given a sister.

It's just crazy, like I haven't been here your entire life. It's crazy how you erase me from history. Like, at first I was like, this is cute, and then I was like, this is actually insulting and like attacking me.

You have a sister-in-law.

She's in Indiana.

Yeah, I know, sorry.

Okay, well, I'll accept Amanda into the sisterhood.

Yeah, we don't live in the same city, so it's not like we're—

okay, just you throw around best friend, sister.

I didn't say best friend.

You did earlier. Wait, Grace, can you please rewind? Rewind the tapes. What did we want to do?

Because I've gotten so close to my brother's girlfriend. She's like truly one of my best friends.

Okay, now we'll continue. Okay, are you done trying to make me jealous?

Also, I will say, dating a guy that has sisters—

you love them too.

I love them too. I'm like, oh wow, now I have multiple sisters.

Like, I want you to get along with other people, but I feel like sometimes you're just like, I never had a connection with a girl like this, and I love her, and she's 'Are you here for me?' I'm like, who— like, who am I to you sometimes? Like, literally, you're my—

my soul, my blood, sweat, and tears.

Because— good, thank you.

You're on a different level. Do you know how many times I had to tell my other friends, like, 'Is she really your best friend?' I'm like, 'No, I don't even know her.' I'm such—

I'm such a Leo.

Like, Stephanie will at least once every 2 months be like, 'Who is your best friend though, for real?' Yeah, and you'd be lying through your teeth to these bitches.

You look so well.

Stephanie's wedding year, I had to be available.

But I'm not— can I just say, I'm actually not a jealous friend.

No, you're really not. I know this is a bit— we're having— also, Stephanie's like a flying fuck.

Also, Stephanie and I talk shit about you behind your back, and she lives in Colorado, so I talk shit about it all the time.

I'm like, I literally have a panic attack when I touch down in in your state. That's why I can't go visit her.

No, I'm actually so annoying though. Whenever I hang out with someone and they do something that's like similar to you, I'm like, oh, Paige does that. And they're like, you're— stop it. Like, stop. Um, one more thing about Mormons.

Yeah, yeah.

Whitney Levitt is now like a chief creative officer, which I'm obsessed with that title. Like, put that on everyone for the soda drink in New York.

Genius. Genius.

I didn't know what this soda thing is.

The Dirty Soda.

The Dirty Soda. They put like milk in it.

They're putting like everything in there.

Soda isn't, isn't bad enough. Let's put more shit to give you diarrhea.

Yeah, they're at— yeah, like it's almost like if you were to get like a vanilla Coke, like they're adding hazelnut.

Like if you're a kid and your mom was like, hey, go fuck around at the soda station, put anything you want, and they're like, chocolate milk?

They don't have coffee.

Well, this is the thing, they don't drink coffee in Mormon culture, but then they're allowed to do Adderall, which is just nerdy cocaine.

Yeah.

So like, I don't know The rules—

soda has caffeine.

As a girl with a sensitive stomach, like, one of those sodas would do more damage than like me taking like LSD. Like, I would bash my head through a wall. I'd be puking out of both holes.

You could never do— well, you don't like—

and I don't like soda.

You don't do carbonation. Sometimes you'll do carbonation, but you really don't.

With peer pressure, I will, right? Like, if you're with a new person, they're like, I'm getting Diet Coke, do you want one? I'll be like, yeah. I'm cool, I can hang. And then I'm like, spicy, spicy, spicy, spicy.

One of my favorite things to brag about you is that your body is so pure.

I'm like, not your mind.

I'm like, you've never met Hannah, but she's never done a drug. She rarely drinks soda. She hates cigarettes.

That's why your parents love me.

I'm like obsessed with—

your parents are like, hang out with Hannah more.

Yeah, that's why you don't age. That's why your skin is always glowing.

Oh, stop now. Stop now.

I talk a lot about other people, so I have to show—

stop.

Um, okay, look how telepathic we are. We both showed up in multicolored track jackets.

Oh yeah, where's yours from?

Saint Laurent.

That is so sickening. So sickening. I love that when—

when they're a little Morgan Stewart jean on, so good.

I'm wearing my Lululemon Indian Wells limited edition.

That is cute. Oh, are you like into interested in what is going on this week, got the golf stuff, because I know you love— you're like, you love old man stuff.

Yeah, I love retired sports. It's very powerful. I think more girls should get involved in retired activities. Yeah, it channels rich men, and that's our vibe. Um, I'm watching tennis. When golf comes on, I'll watch it.

I don't know, but you're not like—

oh, they're like Masters or something. I And I know there's like a Masters every week. All I know is Tiger Woods is— he's out in these streets.

That's the only reason I knew about it was because I kept getting Tiger Woods videos, and it's like, I think he was supposed to be in it.

Speaking of sports and algorithms that haven't hit us, oh my God, there's a chess documentary. Oh, something that you are way too beautiful and cool to ever click on. Not me though. No, it's called Untold Chess, and it's basically a fight with like a bunch of geniuses. And apparently it happened a couple years ago but never came across my algorithm. Like, Des was like, yeah, you didn't hear about this? I'm like, it never got to like Gen Z, millennial girl. Yeah, TikTok.

I love that you put in Gen Z. Sorry, I never got to us younger folks. Sorry, you're almost— you're 35.

Wait, when you say it like that, it's crazy, but I am Gen Alpha.

Um, No, like, we should be mothers. Society is like, have a baby!

I'm too old to have a kid.

I'm like, we're in track jackets, we can't.

I am at the point though, I did see someone wear something the other day and I was like, oh, like, where's the rest of her outfit? And I'm like, I'm turning into my dad.

No, like, every single day I have impending doom that like I'm not evolving as a person. And I think that is just being a woman in society. Like every day I'm like, am I evolved?

See, I'm like, I'm evolving too much. I miss the bliss. I miss the lack of self-awareness. But this chess documentary is so good. Okay, so there's this guy named Magnus.

Of course, of course, because in what situation would his name be anything else?

It's literally— Magnus is the greatest chess player of all time. Also, like, he's the nerdiest nerd but like happens to be like kind of Disney Prince hot, like accidentally. Like he has like kind of a flow in his hair and like accidentally really hot.

Like, hell yeah.

When he speaks, you're like, oh, this guy's never spoken to anyone but a rook.

Yeah.

Um, but a what? A rook is a— is a—

stop, stop.

You're like, stop, your hot girl brain's malfunctioning. You're like, what? So, okay, so he's beating everyone. Like, he'll beat people blindfolded.

How old is he?

He's now like in his 30s. Okay. And he has been beating people since he's like 10. He's ranked number— there's a whole ranking system. Okay, so then there's this thing called chess.com where all of them train. Like chess.com is where they all are. They also stream it so you could watch people playing chess. Never crossed my desk. I had no idea this stuff was going on.

No, this is like Ask Jeeves. Like what? Chess.com? Guys, get a grip. Can you think of something better?

So there's this guy that left his family He's like, I left my family and went to New York. They were in Connecticut. He literally took— he took a train. He's talking like he left, like— that is the only way I want my chess guys to talk though.

Like, they mustered up the courage to get on the LIR.

He paid $20 and he basically— they show his room, it's like disgusting, but like literally how my room looks. And he just just all day long. Like, we'll go 30 hours just like learning chess moves and playing chess.com. And on chess.com, when you beat people, your ranking gets higher. And he's this new age of, of chess player where he like gets emotional. Like, he'll be like yelling.

Wait, they're ranking people on this website and you can be anyone from anywhere? You're not considered like a professional?

Yeah, but when you play a professional— like, to be able to play a professional, you have to be ranked really high. But it's like they practice all day, these guys. This is all they do because there's like a trillion different chess move scenarios and you like—

is there money in chess? Like what are they pulling in apparently?

Like, well, it's very like they'll go to Monaco, they'll go to Miami and do these like tournaments. Tournaments you could win like hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Are people betting on chess?

Probably. That's probably where there's a lot. There's— when I tell you, I was like, where have I been? And of course it's all men, which makes me—

I was just gonna say, the men have so many opportunities for hobbies because they have so much fucking time.

Well, also, they literally said like in the '70s that like women weren't smart enough to do chess. But like, women are— sorry, we're busy fucking like raising the future of our world.

This is Women of STEM of the Week. We have a woman on the goddamn moon. You haven't said a single—

I do formally apologize to the Academy. For forgetting to put the women on the moon in the Women of STEM of the Week. That was my bad. That was my oversight. We learn, we grow. I apologize.

I literally started laughing to myself last night. I'm like, we have a whole podcast uplifting women of STEM.

I do have to say, there was a funny clip of apparently like the president called them and he was like going on like a long rant, and I was like, these motherfuckers left Earth to try to get a break from reality and you're stuck on a Zoom meeting having to listen listen to someone talk for two— I would be like, I'm in space right now. Like, I'm— how far away can I get away? I'm a little busy floating.

I'm like, can I call you back?

How did you get this number?

Spam will find you anywhere.

They're like, hi, you have a loan that you need to pay. So anyway, this guy is— Chess.com realizes he's kind of like getting a lot of attention, this up-and-coming guy. Yeah. And it's like good for Chess.com, so he becomes like a chess influencer where they kind of like help his career. And he, he yells when he wins, and he's like— and everyone else is really like nerdy. So this guy's like— I mean, he's nerdy too, but there's levels of nerd. There's no levels of nerd.

The generations are getting dumber, and we need to get back to classical smart people. People need to listen to classical music.

Where did tic-tac-toe go? Whatever happened to hangman?

Remember when you were little and you'd play like memory games for fun? Bring it back.

Battleship. That taught us about adversity.

It needs to be more—

because we used to know how to lose anyway. Yeah. Um, So he then is like at the end of high school and he goes, fuck this, I'm going to Europe and I'm gonna just play a ton of tournaments.

It's just like the Marty Supreme, actually.

I mean, Timothée Chalamet is gonna play this guy in a movie, I'm telling you. So he—

I know people were really hating on Timothée Chalamet like a couple weeks ago, but I do want to say, like, as someone who did watch all the movies that were nominated, I did think he— his performance The dance was really good. Like, I didn't love the whole move.

Like, that's why they call you Paige Pick Me Desorbo. How has no one called you that? How is that such a good—

I think because I tell men to shut the fuck up to their, like, faces.

We'd never— that, like, pick-me's never even come through people's—

but I've definitely made a lot of pick-me moves in my life before.

100%. Oh yeah, 100%.

So I'm not stronger than the patriarchy. I'm one woman.

Paige Pick Me Patriarchy Patriarchy. Okay, I'll stop. I need to stop. So this guy goes to Europe and he starts winning all these tournaments and he's ascending the ranks.

At what age is he now?

Like 18.

Okay.

And he does have one month that he like weirdly doesn't do well, but all the other months he's killing it.

Okay. And maybe got the yips for a minute.

Chess is like very elite where it's like people who are the top 10 chess players in the world, like it's a community you don't just like break into. It takes like years. So these guys are all like, who is this fucking new guy in the group? It's so funny.

This is so nerdy.

So you need to watch it. And all the nerds are like, I've never heard of this guy. What is going on? Like, I've never— he's— the way he moves his rook, I've seen before. I've never seen this. And it's so funny, nerds bullying other nerds. So it's— they're like, you're not part of this nerd club. So he finally gets to play Magnus the number one guy.

Okay.

And somehow, some way, he beats him, and everyone is guffawed.

Yeah.

And he has this like iconic line where he's, by the way, talking trash, talking trash, talking trash. And at the end, after he beats him, they're like, what do you have to say? And he goes, I just let the chess speak for itself. And he walks away. And I'm like, this is like rappers in a beef right now. I feel like it's like a parody. It's so good. And I'm locked in at this point. Me I almost said Trixie, which is my cat of two decades ago. Trixie's speaking through me, which we have to get to that later. Um, me and Butter are just loving it. So then they play again. He beats him again, but Magnus this time is like, something's wrong. He says something's wrong. He walks out and he goes, it felt like I was playing a computer, because a computer will always beat a human no matter what.

That's a really scary sentence.

I know, that was very scary. That was so dumb.

That's right, you can't—

it's fine. I know, we're gonna lose to the, to the robot aliens. Um, happy weekend. So he calls his dad and his dad's like, it's okay, you had a rough day. And he goes, something was weird.

And he goes, Magnus.

Yeah, Magnus is like, there's no way I could have lost to this guy again.

Why am I like loving the name Magnus now? It's kind So it's hot. Like, if you're really hot and your name is Magnus—

no one's ugly named Magnus.

Well, it's also like, it's giving like your grandpa has a library.

And at one point he goes, these Americans, they talk so much, sometimes I'm like, use less words. And I was like, that was hot. That's so hot. Tell more men to use less words.

Yeah.

So he tells his dad, he's like, I think he cheated. He then withdraws from the tournament.

Magnus.

Yeah, which is basically saying, I, I think this guy cheated. So the whole community has lost their mind. They're like, first the number one guy goes down to this new guy, the number one guy is accusing him of cheating, and everyone like loves Magnus. So they're like, what the hell is going on? How did—

how could you even cheat at a—

so that's what the, the whole chess community is losing it. They're all these like guys on Twitch being like, what could he possibly done? They're analyzing all his movements. They're like, is he touching his hat? But before they go in, there is security, like they get scanned. Yeah, they're not just walking in randomly. And they're, they're like, it's not in his head. Is he looking at something in his arm? They're like, what could it be? Someone starts a rumor going anal beads. They go, he must have had anal beads in his butthole and use the vibrations to tell him what move to make.

What the fuck are you talking about?

So that's what I said. It catches on every time I get this close to supporting a man, literally.

Immediately they show me why I don't.

The internet runs with this. It's on The Daily Show. I don't know where I was, I didn't hear it. And they just go, chess player beats number one chess player with anal beads. Anal bead chess player. It's everywhere.

And everyone gets mad at me because they're like, Paige, you think everyone's gay? You think every guy is gay? And I'm like, okay, but only because there's evidence.

Now, by the way, I do think butt play should be more normalized in straight relationships. But I digress. Um, not my place, but I'm saying in general, for the culture. This guy then is like, you fucking ruined my reputation. Whenever I say I'm a chess player now, they go, are you the anal beads guy? So he's fuming. But then he— after this—

so I'm livid if I'm him and it's not true.

After this accusation, he loses.

See, people can make up the craziest thing about you. It could be so not factual, and that's all people remember you for, and you're like, I didn't even do that.

The next couple games though, he loses like really bad. So then it makes you think like, was he doing something and then he stopped doing it? And so he was saying my head wasn't in the game, but like he's getting his ass kicked, like 9 moves he's getting taken out. Yeah. So this documentary is basically both their sides of the story So then Magnus is about to do a deal with Chess.com, and Chess—

this is the only type of like brand influencers I want from the men.

That's the only thing you can— yeah, have a deal with.

Yeah, be tied to something intellectual.

Yes. Chess.com, not lip plumper.

Yeah, like be tied to like your profession in some capacity.

Yes.

Not our stuff.

Gas.

Like pipes, plumbing, plumbing, yep, fixing refrigerators, like tires, cement.

What's up guys, I got this new, um, Tony 20 for the new cement. It's smooth, really, um, also, um, weed whacker. Anyway, I digress. So he He basically goes to chess.com. Chess.com says, you know what, we have to tell you something about this guy.

You know what would be a really funny thing is like if BetterHelp online therapy like rounded up all the men on Bravo and did like a massive ad. It'd be great.

Or they'd be like, proof that therapy doesn't work for everyone. We got our best therapist.

Any online therapy, that would be amazing.

They should do like a sponsored series giving therapy to all the, like, worst guys on Bravo. Yeah, or just any man who does reality TV. So the guy basically goes to Chess.com, and Chess.com goes, we have to tell you something about this guy. He's been caught cheating before on Chess.com when he was younger, because you actually can just, like, Google moves while you're playing on Chess.com. Okay, but Chess.com has all these really great algorithmic ways.

Chess.com is getting a lot of unpaid promotion.

No, just like how basically they created— they were creating my life in like 2005. They were created and everyone's like, there's no money in Chess.com. Like, do you remember when everyone tried to get like Apple.com? Like, it was like the dot-com bubbles, and they were like Chess.com, and everyone's like, you're fucking losers. During COVID apparently Chess.com blew up, and now I'm talking about it. So the Giggler's about to play chess. The girls are loving chess. Yeah, so, um, shout out to my dad. He taught me how to play chess because he said it was like tennis. Because my dad's a feminist icon. But I digress.

I got brought to dance class.

No, I know you're just a— you're a victim. Like, you actually are a victim. You could have been a doctor. A doctor.

We don't know.

A surgeon.

We have no idea.

Definitely a dermatologist.

Yeah, 100%.

Okay, so Chess.com is like, we're going to use our algorithms that we use to test if people are cheating because they called him once when he was like 16. They're like, we know you're cheating, you have to stop. And he was like, I'm sorry, but people used to cheat to like get themselves to better levels. Right, but they said he's cheated in like over 100 games, so this guy's capable of it.

I might have dated him. In fact, he sounds similar.

What's his number? Can I see a picture? He does like shit at one point say, I'm not a good guy, I'm not a nice guy, and it kind of turned me on.

Now you can't even trust the guys that are in the chess club? Like, where—

there's fuckboys in chess?

No, that's it. I'm packing it in. That's it.

There's bad boys of after-school programs?

No, like, are you fucking kidding me, Magnus?

No, it was hot. He literally was like, I'm not a good guy. And I'm like, I've never had a guy say that. Okay, so that was honest and hot.

Give us the ending.

So you're like, let's—

no, because now I'm like—

so long story short, literally, he— they're like, we're gonna test if he cheated during these live games against Magnus.

And the vibe— the vibrational anal beads was real.

They don't know if it's real, but they test it and they go, it doesn't look like he cheated in the games against Magnus. So everyone's kind of like, doesn't know what happened.

How, how scientifically would the vibrational—

because they'd be like, if he touched a— we, who knows? Like, no one really knows.

But it would be like, if I do it, or would it be somebody else watching?

Someone else is watching and googling, and then like, yeah, telling him with vibration, Morse code. Yes. Yes, Morse code through anal beads. That's what we do on this podcast, actually. That's how I know when to agree or disagree.

So far from what the Lord wants.

The Mormons were right. Just drink your weird soda and leave people alone. But like, we don't need to shove things up our asses. But I don't want to spread the rumor. Yeah, this could be false.

It could be false.

He hasn't really won a lot since So there's— it's all kind of up in the air. People— I digress, but that was— I'm exhausted from that story. Like, that took a lot.

Wow. I'm really glad you told that though, because how interesting.

So interesting. And also, can I say one thing about lip plumper? Yeah, I hate lip plumper. Yeah, it hurts.

I like it.

I'm already dealing with enough like day to day. I don't have to like—

remember when I went through that phase where I put my thing in my lips in that thing? That was so cute.

It would work for like 10 seconds. You'd look gorgeous.

I loved it. I forgot about that.

I wonder what happened to it, like in a drawer somewhere. It definitely caused COVID, all the girls putting their lips in it, definitely not washing it.

Wasn't good for like the circulation of my lips.

Yeah, yeah. Well, people said you had lip filler, so that lasted for like 15 minutes.

It wouldn't even—

literally 15 minutes, you're like, get the cameras. Um, I do think if you like lip plumper, you're into BDSM, and I would never yuck If I feel like something is like painful, I feel like it's working.

Yeah, which is not smart because like sometimes I'll put something on my skin and it'll burn a little and I'll be like, it's just working. They're like, nope, you're allergic to that. They're like, stop using that.

Go to the hospital. Call a medic. Yeah. Um, to, to wrap it up, I want to give us a mental health quote of the week from Saint Dary on, on TikTok. Once you lame to me, nothing can un-lame you. You laminated.

That is so quippy, fun, clever. I don't call people lame enough.

Yeah, you know what word I want to bring back, which is I think like my Nana and Papa would say— lowlifes. A bunch of lowlifes.

Yeah, it's— I think that might be a big thing in But is that a big thing in Italian Americans?

Yeah, they're just like, it's their low life.

No, she's a low life.

When they say low life, you're done.

Imagine the Italian just coming over and being like, hey, let us just better your lives with this food.

The Irish were like, we'll stick with the potatoes, get the fuck out. Anyway, we're not getting into New York City immigration history right now. We love you guys, thank you for giggling with us, and we'll talk to you later. Bye!