Transcript of The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell

Okay. Well, if you're hearing that classic tune, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show. And, this is a show where I, Conan O'Brien, sit with, well, it's no other better way to say it. My nemesis, my foe, someone who over the years, has irritated me. Incredible degree, mister Jordan Schlansky.

Hi. Did you is your microphone on?

I'm not qualified to answer that question.

It's not on. It's not on. I it's so funny. I I just thought, wow. He really has no personality.

I Oh my god. Hear you. Let's try it again. How say hi.

Hi.

You gotta leave that in. It's just too good. Now I hear you, and I prefer it the other way.

Okay.

Listen. It's Eduardo, it's not your fault. A lot of sound engineers forget to turn on 1 of 2 mice.

I'm not sorry.

We're also joined by Frank Smiley, who's, here to help us out navigate these waters and maybe intervene if a fist fight should break out.

That's right.

You know, Jordan, how many years have we been together?

Approximately 30.

Approximately 30 years. You came to work for me as a very young man and, frittered your life way.

Sure.

You have built me of incredible amount of money. I don't know what you do. We've never quite figured out what your task was on the old late night show or now.

Did you say I built you money or I've

built you? Built. Built, b I l bilked. Bilked, b I l k e d, as in sergeant Bilko as in, Bilked him. I took him for a ride.

I squeezed him for cash.

So bilked is like milked, not built. I didn't build you money. I didn't build I didn't help you build an empire.

No 1 said you'd build anything.

Like the second employee of Apple in 1976. It's a multibillionaire because they got it in a time where Apple wasn't a sure thing. They were risking their potential future. They could have chosen Saturday Night Live when they were offered an internship on 1 of 2 shows, but they took the 1 that was on 13 week renewals. Now you know in that situation, like, if you look at the tech the history of the tech companies, the secretaries at Apple and Microsoft are now billionaires.

Now I kind of equate myself to that type of situation. I came in in the early days. There were no guarantees. It was a little bit rough. And I expect at this point, 30 years later, I would be sitting pretty on a pile of cash.

Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine. You've been paid a salary, since almost day 1. Is there anything I can turn him down a bit? The other 1 on your on your left thigh. Yeah.

It's just There's a control It's awful. Oh, man. Had another guest in here at

the same volume. What was the problem there?

That was someone I respected. That was Tracee Ellis Ross. She's fantastic. Your

other thigh.

Why is the button why is this goddamn 0, 0, 0, that's great. Oh, that's great. Said your left thigh. Why did you, even have it in the same room? Why didn't you put the the switch

You know, Jordan, speaking of Tracy Ellis Ross, she asked you about bar soap or liquid soap. You neglected to mention the most important factor in that question, the pH level. You see, liquid soap is often a detergent. Sometimes, it's actually a soap. That is to say a saponified fat, But often, it's a detergent which has a lower pH closer to that of your skin naturally.

The problem with soap is that it disrupts the acid mantle of the skin.

Mhmm. Well, listen. You are referencing a podcast interview. No.

You referenced it. I supported your training profile.

Was Tracy Ellis Ross with the previous person here.

Is an aspect of the Tracy Ellis Ross interview.

Right. Which no 1 listening to this right now on SXM has probably listened to yet. So everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp. You're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats. Jordan, let's stick to the basics.

Okay? You've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years. I've supported you. I've paid, your salary.

I haven't become a multimillionaire despite getting in at the early days when I could have lost my job at any point, but still stuck with you through thick and thin.

So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on late night with Conan O'Brien 30 years ago should be a billionaire now?

I'm saying Steve Jobs secretary can buy this entire comp to Well, I prefer the term

I prefer the term assistant.

Yes.

Do you say, hey, stewardess. Get over here and give me some of those bagged nuts.

At the time, she was probably referred to as a secretary. Nevertheless, I expect that there might be some kind of financial sense of accomplishment as opposed to my Well,

guess what? This is your big reward. Yes. Of all the people who started interning with me way back in, whatever, 1995, 96. I think as I look around, you're the only 1 that has your own show Mhmm.

With Conan O'Brien on s x m. So shut up. Shut up. Kind of like a trumpy voice. Shut up.

You're fired. You know that kind of Trump thing? You're fired. Right? Right?

Isn't that a funny impression? I'm just saying that you're sitting here now. Yeah. You are 1 half of, a show that's on SXM, and you should be grateful for that.

Yeah. I am.

Do you see other interns you started with? Exclusive. The other interns you started with are all dead or in jail. You're here with your own show on the SiriusXM dial. Okay.

Okay? Yes. So just settle down. Sure. Now I I do wanna talk to you about something kind of exciting.

Okay.

You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan show. I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening because this is a nightmare for me. You mentioned earlier that you had once, entered a Guinness contest

That's true.

Where you write a limerick.

I wrote a limerick.

You I'm just saying Yeah. You mentioned at the time. And so I that's why I was using the past tense.

Yeah. I

was talking about what you did do.

And If I was in the process of writing it at this very moment, then you could say you write a limerick. Any other context? I wrote a limerick, yes, back in the nineties.

I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's not that's beside the point. You, if I'm not mistaken, said that you entered this contest. And at that time, you wrote a limerick

I did.

As part of the contest. You liked your limerick, and I remember thinking, that's pretty good limerick. Do you wanna repeat it for us?

Oh, yes. Well, for those unfamiliar with the concept of a limerick, it's a specific No need.

No need. You can just say it.

Across ire, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled to cold Guinness, hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout.

That's I think that's very good. I'm serious. That is a very good. You entered it, and you did not win. And what was the prize?

Well, I don't remember exactly. I believe it may have been a trip to Ireland. I've never been to Ireland. I'd love to go to Ireland.

It was actually a a pub.

A pub? A pub in Ireland. You get to own a pub. Even better.

And can you imagine owning a pub? I was just there. Owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing. Right. Fantastic.

It could be a dream. That's like having a, you know, an Airbnb on the water in Maine. That's just like a quintessential, wonderful experience. You entered and you did not win. Is that correct?

I was never notified about any development 1 way or the other.

Well, I have the information here.

Okay.

And the winner, the 1996, that's when you entered?

Somewhere around there.

Guinness essay contest winner was Shan Weston from Friday Harbor, Washington. I don't know Friday Harbor. Of course, my wife is from Washington.

Of course. I think near the San Juan Islands.

Near the San Juan Islands, which I'm quite familiar with. I've been there with my my bride.

A great wine in Washington state, by the way.

Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator, she won she she entered the contest, and she won the Shonaky pub in County Clare. She won a pub. Oh, well,

there's out of There's a picture of it.

There she is. Oh, yeah. She won the contest Okay. That you failed to win. Mhmm.

And, 55,000 people in United States entered the contest, and, she won.

Okay. Not you. Way, you didn't need to to to, write a limerick. The the contest was actually 50 words or less.

I think you may be referring to a similar contest in an adjacent year.

Nevertheless This is the same year, 1996.

I believe there was an essay 1 year and maybe a limerick. There was definitely a limerick involved.

Well, you chose to write a limerick. I spoke to the people at Guinness, and they informed me that it was,

It was your choice to do a limerick, and and a limerick was not required.

Listen to me. There's a marketing team at Guinness. I'm sure there are a bunch of 30 somethings, and they get wind of this, and they talk to each other. Is this true? Is this true?

Well, ask Ron. He's the old time around here. He was back here in the nineties. And they go to Ron, and Ron's, you know, kinda moved up the ladder a little bit, but never really achieved greatness at the company to the point where he could retire. So they ask Ron, was there a thing?

And he's like, yeah. There's something about an essay. And they look up the essay, and maybe the essay was 96 and mine was 95. Jordan, you you I would never choose to write a limerick if I could have written an essay. I don't wanna be confined to very confused.

That you're not remembering correctly, which is probably a problem this is happening.

Was a contest for a limerick. It was specifically a limerick.

Do you

look like someone that would just decide to write

a limerick? Frank, well, first of all, you look like a lot of things, and and, it's all encompassing. Frank, you've done the research on this. Yes. I saw it.

To Guinness, and they said that the the the contest that Jordan entered, it did not have to be a limerick.

No. 50 words or less, Guinness is.

Yeah. Guinness is. And you decided to write a limerick.

My limerick had nothing to do with Guinness is. I'm telling you these were 2 separate contests. They had a thing. They went through period where, like, every year, they had a contest, and there was a prize. Nevertheless, it's the same it's the same intent.

You write. You use your creative literary skills to applaud. You're yelling. You're yelling. Okay.

You're yelling. And I want you to say that.

I I want you to say that it's not in direct competition with this woman, but we are compatriots.

Okay.

We are counterparts.

Yes. Maybe 1 year apart. Okay. Anyway, Guinness, I'm sure they're gonna rescind this once they hear your insanes, rant, but Guinness did respond to your limerick.

Okay.

They got back to us with their own limerick. Oh. And here's how it goes. There once was a man who loved Guinness. He entered a competition feeling ambitious.

Still upset he didn't win with 30 years in the bin. Jordan, please accept a pint as forgiveness. And, Guinness has sent Guinness over for everyone at Larchmont, that's our company here, to enjoy. And so, Jordan, you didn't win, but I'm getting a free Guinness, which is nice. And, I don't know why Frank's getting 1.

What the fuck did he do? So Wow. It's important. I set this up. So You did?

Yeah. This

is the first your your 30 year grudge

Yeah.

Has, actually You're

pouring that wrong, and it's making me crazy. I took a Guinness pouring class, and you're doing that all wrong. It's making me insane. Sure. Anyway That's okay.

That's alright. I don't have a glass because you only look after number 1. Oh, you have a glass. You just didn't wanna share it with me. That's great.

When I said that was all sarcastic, I don't really think it's right.

You know, I take your point about taking a pouring class because there is a very specific way to do it. There are YouTube videos of bartenders kinda trolling customers and pouring it the wrong way, and it's fascinating to see people know how much head's supposed to be on there. Not too little, not too much. Nevertheless, I don't drink

beer myself, but I appreciate I'm not gonna touch that line with a 30 foot hole.

I appreciate the sentiment even if the second line in the limerick had a meter that was slightly too verbose.

Can I just say 1 thing? You're supposed to imagine there's usually a harp on the on any Guinness glass, and you imagine on the first pour, you get it, you angle it, you hit the side of the glass, and you go up to the harp, and then you wait for the head to settle. Because these are from cans, it's not quite the same experience. But then you finish it up, and I'll do that in just a minute. Jordan, you didn't win, but we got our free Guinness, which is nice.

Yeah. And I think they just if I'm not wrong, Guinness we just talked about Guinness for about 15 minutes, and we were each paid 1 can of Guinness, which makes Guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid.

So I'm not getting you a

I'm getting your trip to Ireland.

How do you know why I haven't been paid off?

Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness for a really long time because there's gonna be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galili on the coast of Golibalali. So, I wouldn't put anything past him.

Right. Nice.

Creamy. Oh my god. So How come you're not drinking any Guinness?

I told you, I don't drink beer. And and, frankly, while I appreciate the sentiment

I see now why you lost the contest. As a beer hater, well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness, known beer hater, Jordan Schlansky. Yeah. I once tasted something I hated, and then I knew I was fated. And then there's rest, you know, to lose the contest, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Yeah. Liking the beer was not a qualification of entry. All I'm saying is look. I appreciate the sentiment. This is a nice PR story, but let's look at the facts.

I did not get a trip to Ireland. I just certainly did not get a pub in Ireland. I got 1 can of a beverage that I don't even drink, and, in addition to the effort that I put in 30 years ago, you have, as you mentioned, advertised the product quite, extravagantly. Nevertheless, I see 4 cans of this beverage on the table in return.

I took mine off the table when I realized we weren't getting paid for this. Frank, who probably is getting a pub, has kept his can on the table. You should take yours off because you're getting nothing out

of this.

Sure. I didn't know you could win a win a pub. Yeah. I didn't know that's so cool.

Sounds a little bit like a headache, though.

Not at all. No. No. No. There's no never any problems in an Irish pub.

Alright. We're gonna take a little break.

Okay.

We'll come come back with more of the, the, the Conan and Jordan show.

And we're gonna have show and tell.

We're gonna have show and tell. Oh, that'll be interesting.

Jordan, show and tell.

Okay. Hey. We're back. I'm here with my co host, Jordan Schlansky. We have a little, segment here.

This is called Jordan Show and Tell, where you, you brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you. And you wanna show it to us? Yeah.

I was asked to bring in a product that, that I identify with or that I believe in. Now I'll start by saying that I try to buy very few products in my life. I believe that we can live minimally. But the products that I do buy, I want them to be of a very high quality. I want them to have something special about them, and then I have to buy fewer products going forward because they last longer.

Now life used to be simple 25 years ago. Okay? If you wanted to buy a nose hair trimmer in the United States, you may have bought the, Panasonic ER 409. This is my own unit from about 25 years ago. But that

Let me explain to the viewer. You've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator. Okay. And it's a Panasonic.

Yeah.

And, this is from the nineties, 2000s?

Sure. I don't have the exact lineage of it, but that's about the time I started trimming my nose hair. I can't tell you if it started growing in then or if I just became aware of it then, but this is a a relic. This is an ancient relic. If you look on the bottom, you'll see that it's made in Japan, of course, Panasonic's headquarters.

Mhmm.

I never thought much about nose trimmers, but I didn't have to. I simply trimmed my nose hair with that, and you can trim ear hair as well if you choose. And that was the end of it. Right. The, the it was a successful operation.

Yes. And then the The operation was a success.

The operation was a success. And then this product, was damaged. I may have dropped it. I don't remember. It may have just failed, due to its age.

Nevertheless

If it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself.

It got a tiny little gun and shot its brains. Have you noticed that

a lot of your products commit suicide at the same point? I'm sorry. So, once our relationship

I can't. I can't. I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns. And every now and then in your house, you're trying to sleep and you hear a tiny little shot. You go in, oh, my hair dryer's dead.

Sometimes they leave a little note. If I had to listen to him pronounce pronounce Socratic, boom, Jim, 1 more time.

Oh my god. My stomach hurts. My chest hurts. My whole body falling apart.

I'm sorry. I respect inanimate objects. Okay? It's like a Japanese mentality. Okay?

I treasure these. If they were sentient, I think they would value the way I treated them. Nevertheless, I went to replace this product when it was damaged. I live in the United States, and I was served this Panasonic ER 411. This is disgusting.

This, What? What are you

talking about?

This is oversized. It's light in plastic. It looks like a rocket ship. The cutting mechanism, I actually replaced. This had been discontinued, but I was able to buy the cutting part.

I replaced it.

Wait a minute. You bought how much did that cost?

I don't know. $15. Okay.

You buy a $15, nose trimmer

Yeah.

And then you went to the trouble Yeah. To replace the blade? Yeah.

This was an inadequate product. This was no longer made in Japan. It was made in a country that is arguably known for some lower quality production methods. It it looks like a rocket ship. It it draws unnecessary attention to itself.

It's a bright silver color. This was what you would get as an American after the glory days of nose hair trimmers.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't see a huge difference. This 1 That's telling

that you don't see a difference between those 2 objects. Silver and 1 is gray. We we define ourselves by the objects we interact with every day. I surround myself with beauty, with high levels of esthetic pleasure, and it's not only putting on beautiful clothes. It's also using a beautiful nose hair trimmer.

It's also, understanding that everything we interact with defines our life. So I wanted a well made product. I was not happy with this product, but I thought it was my only option. So I trimmed my nose hair unhappily with that product.

And when did this 1 commit suicide? You found this guy hanging.

No.

So then I visited the country of Japan

Uh-huh.

And I found out that Panasonic sells a different nose hair trimmer model for the Japanese clientele. Oh, so they sell us the inferior 1. The e r g n 10, and look how sleek and stylish this product is. This thing feels amazing in the hand. It's perfectly balanced.

It's reminiscent of my old e r 409. This is from 2 years ago. This is from today.

Why do you know the serial numbers?

And since I was in Japan, I I knew that this was not going to last forever despite the fact that it is still made in Japan in a high quality. So I bought spares, and then I found that they on my second trip, they had come out with the ER, they originally, it was the ER Gigan 10, then they came out with the ER Gigan 11. I bought 2

of those. Hold on a second. Let me see this.

Look at the beautiful just look at the packaging. I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products. Look at

your eyes. You look insane. Why do

they sell this to Americans and this beauty why do they sell this disgusting rocketship to Americans and this beautiful piece of machinery to the Japanese clientele.

I mean,

I I just I don't understand the logic of that. But, nevertheless

How many of these did you buy?

I bought, 4 of them. But the but the point is

Now I can see you being a little worried that you should have bought a fit.

You take what you're given. I don't know what kind of nose hair trimmer you you just buy whatever's available. I seek out high quality wherever on the planet it may lie. What what do you even use to trim your

nose hair?

You don't have hair and makeup person anymore.

Little scissors. Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Wait a minute. Why why do you why do you have to bring that up? That's hurtful.

I mean What does that have to do with anything? You don't employ your hair and makeup person.

What are you talking about? I still do insulting. Still do big gigs. I still do live shows.

Of course.

Make contract when intermittently, but I'm saying that's not gonna take care of your nose hair on a regular basis. You use scissors. How do you get rid of that quantity of hair with a simple manual device like that?

My my nose is not pumping out tons of hair every

day. There's gotta be over a 100 hair individual hairs between those 2 nostrils. Shoot. What are you are you telling me

I'll use a little scissors.

Long does that even take?

And it's a little bit curved.

Are you confident in the quality of your work? I I just don't I know that if I look in that nose right now and I shone a light in there, if you're using manual scissors, there's no way you're accomplishing it.

Well, you know, I do whisker removal. I make little I'm like Edward Scissorhands. I make little topiaries. I have a little dinosaur in this 1, and I have It's not

a lizard in that. It's not often talked about. You have hair removal challenges. You have shaving problems, and you always have. We come in.

I don't see patches of hair on your face. Isolated patches of hair. I don't know how when you have resources available to you, I don't know how this passes inspection. I'll come in 1 day. You've got, like, a little you've shaved, but you've got, like, a tuft of red hair onto your onto your nose where where your mustache would be.

You've got, like, a random your neck a lot of times have, like, you have shaving problems. And just acknowledge Hey. What save up my neck. You have shoveled. You'll just save up a save up my neck.

You'll have a clump of hair sticking out of your neck in an arbitrary position.

Do you wanna know what the problem is? Would you like me to tell you?

Yeah.

Okay. I get very bad. I have very sensitive skin. Yeah. And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps.

You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair that you think that looks No. I don't don't I

I don't deliberately leave it there. Do you see it?

I shave it,

but sometimes I try to be a do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much, and maybe I leave a stray hair. And you know what? This is hurtful.

This is this is hurtful. Hair. This is a clump of hair. Hurtful. I'm not concerned with individual hairs.

Hurtful. I'm just asking you Hurtful. Do you feel if you can improve in some way by listening to the things I have to say, why do you have to ridicule? I'm telling I'm not I'm not writing this product. You have the you have the means.

Why do I

have to buy it?

You've got 15 in a bag, you motherfucker.

Give me 1. Scissors.

Why why are you saying I have to buy 1?

I'm not giving you 1 of these.

Yes. You are. I have the resources

you have.

What are you talking about? I'll buy 1 from you for twice its price. You paid $8 to me. I'll give you 16.

This is priceless to me. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna

put a price

tag on this, the ERG $100. If someone could get something better than you, don't ridicule. Just be like, I learned something.

I did a 100.

Oh, it's. Oh, it's. I understand. Oh, you can be more efficient shaving your nose

if you want to

be in 10.

I'll give you $200. Okay. Say yes. Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're gonna get that you made a huge profit

on that. To me right now.

Oh, I don't do I have $200 on me? I might I don't know if I do. Maybe I do.

I'm not giving it back. Don't expect that when we walk out of the store, I'm giving it back.

You don't have to give it back.

Do you want the ERGN 10 or the

GN 11? What the difference

is it? I don't I'm not clear on what the difference is. Alright. That's something I'm curious about, but it's written in Japanese, so

you can get Well, what's the

latest version? Oh, I don't know. I'm gonna guess if there's the ERGN 10 and the ERGN 11. I'm gonna guess maybe the GR ERGN 11 is more recent. Maybe they're going in a backwards lumbering scheme.

If I ever see the, GN 9, I know that that's a steal. I mean, these are just basic questions. I don't need to read Japanese or understand anything specific about nose hair. Just give me everything you have. No.

You think you have more than 200 in cash on you?

Yeah. I go to strip club sometime. I think that's, you were yelling at me, and you're you upset me because you, said that I my face was all fucked up. And, I'm just

saying you have room for improvement. This is nothing to be ashamed about. This is something to embrace. I can help you improve.

2. Okay. There's 100. Really? 200?

What if we go You offer 200. I know. But what if I what if I I take it down a little bit now? No. I'll give you a 100.

Hold on. Hold on. You want 200 seals the deal? Yeah. Okay.

There it is. It's $200. Okay. Which 1 do you want? Why don't you choose?

Take this you want this 1?

No. I want the 1 I want 1 in a box, asshole. I don't want 1 that's been up your ass 2 hours ago.

No. This is not what I use for my ass. Oh, what do

you use for that? Listen. What goes up there? Seriously. We What goes up the old bottom?

I don't I don't remove, hair in that area.

Why would you leave that there?

Why? I I don't have any problem with that hair.

What do you mean?

I I have no problem with that air.

Why do 1 orifice and not

just This 1 is visible. Well This 1 is, you know, displayed. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I think the other's been displayed at times, frankly. What battery does this take?

That takes a double a battery. I reckon

it's an output. A double a around here? I'd like to try and see if I can get this thing going.

Well, you've got a double a in mind. You may not want the nose trimmer itself, but you could take my battery, I hope. Yeah. I'll take that battery. Been in indirect contact with my nose and ears.

It's okay. This is brand new right now.

Now you stick that up your nose, and if I hear if I hear a grinding sound

Hear that?

Yeah. I hear it.

Hear that? Yep.

Yeah. If I hear a grind you're clearly not doing a good job with your scissors. That's all that was all left behind.

So that what you're hear what you're hearing is the actual grinding of some hair. I think I did a pretty good job with scissors.

Not from what I'm hearing that

oh my god. They each 1 of these Oh my god. Oh my god.

Blast has, like, 4 hairs in it.

Pretty neat blast.

And it just keeps going. You're just still in the same nostril. You haven't been

in the same nostril. Black. So how often do you

do this? You do this every day? Every Tuesday Friday. I find it the most efficient day to

You know what? I hope I do hope you're murdered soon. This is a new nostril.

Yeah. I mean, you haven't even gotten to your ears yet. Ears? Yeah. Do you still feel like your quaint scissor method is efficient?

You know what? I have to say this is better. Yeah. This is better than the scissors.

And you don't have to worry about this disgusting device. And you claim that you don't learn anything or that there's no value in the knowledge that I have. And look at you now. Look at you now.

You know what I love? I love that your look at you now is about this. You know, it's supposed to be about something bigger. Like, you said that you were better than me, and that was 50 years ago. But now I encounter you encounter you and you're a hobo.

Look at you now. But you use it on you said that my information was incorrect, but I suggested this nose hair trimmer, and now you're using it. Look at you now. It's so small.

You can't There's nothing that I can tell you that you haven't heard before That's not true. Of any value to me. You've never heard a level No. That's not true. Where you have the top advisers begging to give you their information.

I remember when you had these personal trainers in the nineties. You had these guys like, oh, no. Will Arnett. This is Will Arnett's guy. Like, you and I started to give you nutrition advice.

You're like, please, I think I've got this covered. I've got Will Arnett's personal trainer.

Actually Will Arnett. Yeah. And Will Arnett was training me.

And I would see these protein powders in your office, and they were, like, low quality soy proteins with, like, incomplete amino acid profiles. And you're like, don't worry. I've got the best Wait. I was business.

You let me eat incomplete amino acids?

You have this theory where you're special and you want the best of everything, but you have you know, you assume that there's nothing that I can tell you that you can't get a better answer on from someone else.

Jordan, if I wanted to demand it the best and everything, explain your presence. I mean, seriously. Who else I

I who else in your life is going to tell you about the ERGN 11? What other soul on this planet

No.

Would ever tell you about this? This cost me $200.

Yeah. That's a lot.

Well, you have to take into account that I cannot easily replace it. There was a plane ticket involved. I brought it in to the country. I imported it. I I mean, there's a lot of middlemen that were coming out of the deal.

You're right. You're right. All fair points. And I am gonna use this, and I appreciate it. Again, let's get the word out on the Panasonic ERGN 11, only available in Japan.

You can't get this.

If 1 is resourceful, I'm sure they can find a way to obtain it.

Yeah. I just love that you have this sad little bag. I just I don't know. It just I'm sorry. It just it looked come on.

Don't stare at me with hate. It just you have to admit, you have a little little bag, and you're carrying it around.

Oh, I admit I admit I have a bag with nose hair.

These are cool. I mean, this is you know, I'm gonna say something. These are, nice. Yeah. Now I'm I'm gonna go home tonight, and my wife expects me

to put notice your clean nose, I presume. And and she and not just today, but going forward. This device may last you many years.

Does this also work on the ears? Yeah. Now be honest. Have you used it on the ass? Be honest.

No. Have you used anything on the ass? No. Have you ever looked back there?

Not that I'm aware of. Not that I'm aware of. Well, I mean

Sometimes when you're in a certain transcendental state, you might take a look.

I have no recollection of looking at my buttocks in the way that I believe you're referring to.

Okay. Doesn't concern you. Have you? Have I what?

Looked at your, anus, I guess, is where you were going with this.

That's a very personal question.

Yeah.

I

don't know. That was just asked of me, so I'm familiar with the question. Alright.

Well, I think this has been a very successful segment. Once again, Jordan has hoodwinked me in. It's a good product. I did I pay too much? Yes.

I did. Will I try and get the money out of Frank Smiley afterwards? Probably. Will I also keep the Panasonic ERGN11? Yes.

I will. So I'm determined to come out ahead. So I'm gonna let it go for now. But, yes, during the show, it will have all the appearances of me shelling out 200 clams. Now quick advice.

Where does the hair go?

Does it go into into a chamber at the top? You'll have to clean that out from now.

Well, guess what? Yeah. That's Conan O'Brien nose hair. Yeah. I could sell that.

They sell Elvis' sweat, I could sell Conan O'Brien's nose hair. And you know what? There'd be someone listening right now who would wanna buy it.

You know, there's somebody on the line right now. Do you wanna ask that?

Been listening and they're on the line? Yes. That's fantastic. Let's put this person on the line. This is exciting.

What if I can sell my nose hair? Let's patch through. Hello. This is I'm told this is Stephanie in Illinois. Stephanie, are you there?

Yeah.

Oh, hey. How are you?

I'm good. This is the highlight of my day.

Well, I mean, day isn't much. I was hoping you'd say, like, week or month. But okay. I'll take you know what? I'm gonna take day.

I'm not gonna get greedy. Stephanie, it's very nice to talk to you. As you know, we've been I just use this amazing product. I trim the insides of my nose, my nostrils, and I was talking about maybe someone would buy my nose hair. Is that something that you would ever consider?

I would consider it for a little bit of time. And then, I mean, maybe I could sell it and make some money off of it. Yeah. I don't know.

I I when you said you would consider it, it sounds like you'd consider it for a microsecond. And then Yeah.

It'd be pretty

Yeah. Yeah.

Pretty short amount of time.

Yeah. You know what? I respect you because I think only an idiot would buy my nose hair. And, I think you made the right call. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Stephanie.

What's, what's your occupation?

I'm a licensed psychologist, and I work in, university counseling center.

Seriously? You Yeah. So so this is good because I'm sitting here. I do this, show occasionally with, I guess I'm gonna call him a friend of mine. I don't know what the term is.

Jordan Schlansky. Are you familiar with him at all?

Yep.

Yeah. People seem to know him. A lot of people stop me and ask me what's the deal with Jordan. And I wanna say that's I I've spent a good chunk of my life trying to explain him to other people. You say that you're a psychologist?

Yes.

And so you're trained to understand, the human psyche, the mind, behavioral patterns. You've probably done Personality. Personality. Tell me and and Jordan's here. You can say hello, Jordan.

Stephanie. Yeah. What what is your take on Jordan Slansky? Hello?

I mean, that's a yeah. No. It's just a pause because

it Oh, that was a that was a pause? Oh my god. That's not good that's not a good sign. I thought we had I thought all communications had dropped and, that you had gone off the grid. That was a pause because you don't know what to say?

That's stunning.

That's correct.

Yeah. Well, I mean, let's talk. Do you wanna do you have any questions for Jordan?

I yeah. I've got a lot of questions.

Let's get into it. He just walked into your office. You're familiar with some of his videos. Let's imagine, you know Jordan, you've seen his videos, and he walks into the office. And, let's get to it.

I guess I'd be most interested to know what his biggest problems are in his life. Like, what causes him distress?

I'm pretty content, to be honest with you. I don't really have any chronic conditions, psychological or otherwise. You know, basic human responses. We have, fear and, frightful situations, and we may feel anxious in situations that would classically inspire such a reaction. I wouldn't say I I fall victim to a lot of the

I'm sorry. You're just describing the human species. Yeah. You're talking you're talking about Homo sapiens. That's not what we're talking about.

We're talking about you specifically, and and, you know

Well, I

feel content. I know my strengths and my weaknesses, and I know my characteristics, and, I'm I'm quite content with them. You know, I know my limitations and my

I'm quite familiar with your limitations. And I'm what I what I wanna say, Jordan, is that you are not you say you're content, but all you ever do when we talk is bitch at me that you don't think you've gotten enough out of the Conan O'Brien

Yeah. I'm talking about my own psychology. Your treatment of me over the years, in financially and otherwise is a completely different subject. I'm talking about psychologically, I am introverted, which I don't think is any secret, and, certainly, a psychologist would likely read that right away. INTP, if you're a fan of the Myers Briggs classification system.

I'm a fan of that, but

Excuse me. I'm gonna let you jump in here, Stephanie, because if I don't bully him out of the way, you'll never get a chance.

Well Go

ahead, Stephanie.

Question. So sometimes the problem is not that you're in distress, but it's that the other people around you are in distress. So that would be my kind of other question is how do most people kind of respond to you?

Yeah. It's a good question.

That is a good question. I get a lot of different responses. Do you understand? I'm going to guess that a lot of people get mostly consistent responses from those around them, with a few outlying responses. But, I get very different responses from different people.

I find some people despise me, and I

find

Uh-huh. But I find that an equal, if not more, number of people embrace me. And I think that if you average it all out, it equals a normal person's response. But I mine mine is a bit polarizing, with equal numbers on both sides. And I guess there are a few apathetic in the middle that really don't care 1 way or the other.

So you're saying so, basically, what you just said is you're a normal guy. 40% of people despise you. I see. 40% 40%, are fine with you, and then 20% in the middle have no opinion. That does not sound, Stephanie, to me, like the normal response an average human gets.

What do you think?

It doesn't sound normal. That's

yeah. I'm not concerned with being normal. That was never high on my priority list.

I'm concerned. Comes across.

Yeah. I like to think that I'm a good person. And and in the end, overall, I increase the quality of the lives of people around me. Of course, there are a few exceptions inevitable. That's just attrition as you get in, business and life in general.

But, I try to be a good person. I try to, improve the world around me and my limited time here on this earth, but, of course, I don't hit it out of the park every single time. And, you know, some people are easy to read, and I may have more of a stoic demeanor, even if it doesn't necessarily represent what's going on inside me. And some people, when faced with that kind of blank slate, are are find it off putting and intimidating in a way, and I understand that and respect that.

Stephanie, let me ask you quickly.

And Yeah.

You're the expert here, and I'd like to hear a lot more from you and a lot less from Jordan. But my take here is I hear a lot of smooth talking from Jordan. A lot of words, a lot of sing songy cadence, mannerisms, but it almost feels like it's talking to cover up. Is that what you're hearing too?

I mean, from listening to the podcast and your other interactions, his interactions with me sound a lot smoother than his interactions with you.

Mhmm.

I don't I mean

So you're you're saying that maybe I I I could be the issue is maybe what you're saying.

The other option too is sometimes people when they feel like they're being assessed, they kind of show the best of themselves, you know, and kinda want to be seen in a certain way and kinda do that like, they kinda manage their their public image more.

Right. Yes. It's like when they first caught Ted Bundy, he was quite chatty, pleasant, saying to everyone at the jail, it's so nice to see you. What a lovely jail, because that had always worked for him in the past. Is that is that the analogy that you're making right here, Stephanie?

That's exactly what I was saying. Yeah.

Okay. Well, listen. Stephanie has made a very good observation, and I am different depending on who I'm talking to. And I do have many sides of my personality, and I truly maintain that they're all genuine, many sides. And the person I'm talking to often evokes a certain aspect subdivision of my personality, and it is true that you consistently, I'm gesturing to my cohost Conan, evokes a certain response from me.

Whereas if I were just talking to Stephanie or some of our other colleagues, they may get a different response from me.

So what does Conan bring out of you?

Yeah. Good question.

Well, I'll tell you. Conan has a certain energy. Some may even say polar opposite to my own. He's very extroverted, very textbook extrovert. He, feeds off the energy of others and feels drained when he doesn't get that response from others, and I'm exactly the opposite.

And, you know, Conan, we are the same species, Homo sapiens, but our minds are wired so very differently. It's hard to believe we're the same species. And when I watch him and I like to observe human beings and humanity in general.

As all aliens do when they visit?

When I watch him and how his mind works, I marvel at it because, in addition to his many talents, his many tangible talents, I marvel at how very different his mind is than mine. He, he will go out of his way if we're on an airplane sitting across the aisle to get my attention, to yell across the aisle, and I turn his way and expect he's gonna have some great, witty quip, and he just makes a ridiculous face at me. And that was that was so important to him that he had to yell across a crowded airplane cabin to get and I'm thinking I would never. I could have the best joke of observation or I would never take

that step. Do that recently, Stephanie. He was sitting way across from me, on an airplane flight, and I yelled across. We were on a shooting a travel show, and I shouted way across the aisles in front of everyone on the plane just so I could make a ridiculous face at him. And I did it because I saw his face, and it was, just had no expression.

It was lifeless. It was a mask, And, I I had to I

mean, I was sitting on an airplane. What kind of expression do you want in that moment? I'm just sitting, watching the hours go by.

I think American Airlines deserve more. They do a good job, and you could have given them, something. And so I needed to the pond was too placid, and I needed to drop a stone in and watch the concentric rings. Do you understand that, Stephanie?

But there's nothing wrong with a placid pond. That's that's what you're missing here. You always need movement, but sometimes the the silence is where the magic is, the stillness.

There was no magic. I just saw a weird face across the aisle, wearing the same T shirt you always wear, staring straight ahead. It was annoying. Stephanie, why don't you break in and you talk for a little bit so that Jordan can't. Go ahead.

Okay. Well, I had a question for you, Conan, which is you said you you try to explain Jordan to people. How what's your, like, shorthand description of him?

I usually say we we think it's a childhood accident. Okay. That's the best I can come up with. And that tends to they they just nod and go, yeah. You know?

And I say, I don't really know what it was, if it was, you know, a truck that stopped too fast and there was a railroad spike in the back.

He got And it

took out some

kind of traumatic brain injury.

Yeah. Yeah. You know those x rays you see where there's a skull and there's a the the the the giant spike going right through it, but they tell you the guy lived and he's a practicing lawyer. That's I am I'm always guessing that that was some kind of event like that, that there's a piece that's missing from Jordan that should be there. But because someone in a Ford f 150 left a railroad spike in the back and then stopped short, Jordan has been an alien his whole life.

Jordan, what do you think?

But I

Okay. While I acknowledge that you and I have very different personalities, who's to judge whose personality is superior? You're implying that your other personality the superior I'm sorry. Go ahead. Sentimental.

It's the Conan and Jordan show, and it's on the Conan channel.

Okay.

So I guess that would make me

the judge. It's like

you're this guy that wandered into the Supreme Court in your loud suit, and you're shouting up at a Supreme Court justice, who are you to judge? I'm a supreme court justice.

Well, I'm no psychologist, but to me, I detect an air of insecurity and overcompensation. I don't need to judge you and who's you're certainly an exceptional human being. No question about it.

Thank you.

And if you compare me to the average human, you might think that I'm a bit different, and I don't disagree. However, when it comes to assessing which is the superior way to be, that's when things get a little murkier, and I don't know that we need to have that competition.

Stephanie, can you just step in quickly and tell Jordan that I'm better than him?

Yeah. I think Conan is better than you.

I well, do you want me to I love that that's coming from oh my god. That was a funny thing.

That settles it.

Thank you very much. Stephanie, you're a wonderful person, and thank you, thank you so much for calling into the show and for settling this, question. And that's science. That's real science right there Yeah. Clearly.

That I'm better than you. And, Stephanie, best of luck to you. Well, thank you so much, Stephanie. Really nice talking to you. Bye bye.

Bye. She was lovely. She was her. And, also, I think she she nailed it. I think she just really nailed it.

The convoluted premise that you use to get into these scenarios just baffles me. Why the nose hair intro? Why not just say we have a psychologist on the phone? Why do you feel you need to justify?

We didn't know it was a psychologist.

Yeah. We didn't know. It was an accident that was a psychologist. And who knew that it would be a psychologist who immediately took you apart, and and, deduced that, you are the monstrous freak that you are. Hey.

Yeah. That's all the time we have for now.

Okay.

And, that's not really true. I have plenty of time left, but I just can't do this anymore. So I'm gonna wrap this up. Okay. That's been this episode of the Conan and Jordan show.

I think we made big progress. We learned a lot about a lot of things. And then a pretty much a woman of science said that I win and Jordan loses.

Clearly a sound psychological opinion.

We'll see you next time.

The Conan and Jordan show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Shlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Greus. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista, and Britt Khan.

The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the team Coco hotline 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.

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