Transcript of Elle Fanning Returns

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Hi. My name is Elle Fanning, and I feel ecstatic about being Conan

O'Brien's friend. I'll take it.

Climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we aren't gonna be friends. So I can tell that we aren't gonna be friends.

Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Joined as always by, Sono Museschen.

Hello?

And just put a little pep into it next time. And, Matt Gourley, how are you? Hi. How are you? I'm good.

Hey. I I wanna bring up something that was a direct quote from you just now. Okay. You just said in this room Mhmm. When I see a Hallmark movie,

I watch it. I did. We weren't on mic. I didn't know that that would come back to haunt me. Well Yes.

So you're are you prepared to admit that and

you're good?

I am I I will not only admit it. I will encourage others to do it as well. I understand. And I'll say many people say that our nation is divided, that that that, you know, we've lost our way. I think nothing would unify this country more than everybody watching Hallmark movies.

I just enjoy the pattern. You know, you could say that there are certain tenants of of drama that were set up by the Greeks and it's never really changed since then. I love that Hallmark has a certain formula. They follow it every single time with chilling regularity.

Yeah.

And they've also come up with something that I think is revolutionary. When we think of story, we think of conflict. Conflict is the center of story. Right? It's the what is the conflict?

What is the problem? Any scene, someone comes into a room, there's an there's a problem here. How does the person get the thing that the other person's trying to keep them from getting? That's how all good drama story works. Hallmark, I've watched these things.

There's hardly ever a conflict. Mhmm. They're conflict free, yet they exist. They're extremely popular, and it somehow works. But attractive single person meets other attractive single person.

Yeah. Oh, they 1 lives in Los Angeles and the other lives, up in the mountains of Utah, but in an fairly affluent community, And they can get to each other within a 40 minute flight or something, hour and 40 minute flight. And, there isn't really they meet each other. She always immediately has to dislike him. Mhmm.

But for not a good reason

It's never a good reason.

Never a good reason, and then it's a reason that can quickly be removed. So it's really not a conflict. It's a conflict the way, like, I'd like to come over there, but there's a small tissue in the way I can. You know

what I mean? Well, there's usually some big city ex boyfriend that they've got to kinda, like, get out from under, but barely.

I don't know, though. I've seen ones where it really is just I've I've gone back and looked for the conflict and haven't found it.

Do you think you could write a Hallmark movie?

Yes. I do.

Do you think you should?

I think I should. That's that's the better question. Yeah. I think it would be a good use of my time.

I really want you to write a Hallmark movie.

You could star in a

Hallmark? Somebody I thought did somebody make a Hallmark in somebody Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig. Yeah. Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig did 1, and it's brilliant because so it's been done. If they hadn't done it, I would do it, and but I it wouldn't be that funny.

I

think your situate if you're the star of a Hallmark movie, what's your situation? Who are you meeting? Where are you going? Who are you leaving?

And where are you leaving? Well, jeez. Okay. Wow. This is a lot.

Yeah. I know. I'm sorry. Well, let's see. I am a guy, a very good looking.

This is the part I play. Oh, come on. There's prosthetics. Get off my ass. And light with prosthetics and and and lighting and CGI, they could do all kinds of shit to my face.

Okay. So, anyway, I'm a guy who, has built an in. I have I have an in, and it's up. And and I'm very rugged, and I sort of look like the brawny paper towel guy.

Wait. You're playing a rugged guy? You're playing the rugged archetype?

I said CGI.

No. I'm I'm not look. I think you're an academic. You're teaching at a university, and you're, like, a frazzled professor. I think that's more your

Alright. You know what?

I'm saying something like I'm saying? Handsome. I agree. And you don't need CGI. Stop being mean to yourself.

Appreciate the notes because that helped me. Sometimes I see myself differently than other people do, and I I do see myself as a woodsman Oh. As someone Woodsman. Not even an outdoorsman. You have the specific trait of a woodsman.

No. No. I I I swear to god. Did you know that I sued Bronnie? You did.

I sued the Bronnie paper towel people because I said you totally ripped me off because it was around the time I was doing the tour sooner. Remember when I had the red beard? And I sued them, and I said, you totally ripped me off, and judge threw it out. And he's he did a picture. He had a side by side picture of me in, in boxers and the drawing of the brawny guy.

And, apparently, they just threw it out immediately. And I tried to take it to the Supreme Court. Yeah.

I I I have to interject here.

This is, by the way, I just wanna introduce this. This is Aaron Blair. We call him Blay. That's right. And he and, several major celebrities have told you to shut the fuck up.

That's right. When you introduce The biggest. That's right. Harrison Ford and Tom Harris have both. Yeah.

So anyway And shut the fuck up, actually. Okay. And so what? Let's hear it.

Well, I just wanted to say, I am a huge fan of Hallmark movies and Lifetime movies. And every Monday, I I watch a movie with, like, on Twitch with with some people. And I think you would be really interested in a series by Vivica a Fox that's on Lifetime called the wrong ex. So, like, the wrong man.

Okay.

The wrong tutor.

Right.

The wrong stepmother.

Is every episode different?

Every episode is different, but they're all kind of the same. And I think you would be perfect for and I wanna start a campaign for you to be in 1 of these movies.

I would do it. I would do that.

There's always a moment, and you want conflict. Oh, there's conflict.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Someone in a hoodie peeking around a tree.

Oh, I could be a guy in a hoodie. Exactly. And and I You are a guy in a hoodie right now. I'm wearing a hoodie now. I'm hoodie now.

At the end Many times many times, I've peeked around a tree at people.

And at the end, she

already says the title of the movie.

So she's like, told you he was the wrong man. Yeah. Told you he was the wrong tutor, and I think he would be perfect for this, and I wanna start a campaign.

Okay. I'm okay with that, and I wanna play this part. And, and and money doesn't matter. You know? I'll make sure that I mean, as long as they you know?

You know? I'm What? I'm not

sure that these

movies have a huge budget. I'm just gonna put it out there.

But they're fantastic. And there's, like, I think there's I think I

for free. Yeah.

I think I've seen 19 of them. I'm not even kidding.

Okay. God. Bla. Yeah. And then First of all first of all, you know that when someone says money doesn't matter, it means it Oh,

the the the story. Okay.

But second of all, I'm willing to do it, but I think we should explore because I I do take constructive criticism, and I do think I'd probably be a frazzled academic. Yes. Yeah. But 1 of those things where when I take my glasses off, the woman realizes, he's you know, he cleans up okay.

But should should it be that you are in a current relationship with a kind of mean, snobby academic, and you go to a rural area and suddenly you meet this, let's say, like

Woodsman. A nature guide.

A a woman who's, like, does white water rafting and breaks you out of your shell, and you don't know what to do. And you frolic, and she finds the real you.

Oh, first of all, I'm petrified. Yeah. And then you leave her and go back to the No. No. I I I have I I work at a small New England college.

Yeah.

Yes.

And What do you teach? History? What's that? History? I just only I didn't know.

My 1 1 subject is Grover Cleveland.

Oh, I see.

Professor of Grover yeah. My I'm a professor of Grover Clevelandology. And, It has

to be liberal arts. It has to be

No. It doesn't have

to be. See, because you're sensitive.

Give me something.

This is your archetype. Okay.

So You're a sensitive man. You know what? She's right. I've seen you guys think this

is a game for me. This is real life.

I'm a sensitive guy. I teach, like, Emily Dickinson. I teach poetry. Yes. Okay.

So and I and I have a very safe but frigid relationship with, this other woman, who works there. Yeah. She's controlling. She's controlling. And she's always saying things like, maybe this weekend, we'll go and look at that antique shop.

And it's always very

Sounds pretty good.

Is she how long how soon she can be single?

No. She wants to go teach at a big city, like Ivy League University, and you're like, this is my home. This is where I I love teaching.

Just go, Sona. Go. Preach. Yeah.

Preach. Then you're like, okay. I need to go find myself. So you go on this white water rafting trip, which is so outside of your comfort zone.

And it's and then I get to do my trademark Conan, physical comedy where I'm I'm like, woah. Woah. And my my my glasses are getting knocked off, and and my book goes in the water Yes. Symbolically. And she keeps saying, dude, just chill.

Just go with the flow. The whole trick of white water rafting is just is letting loose,

and then you guys kind of get, marooned on a little forest island, and you have to, like, kinda spend the night and make a fire together and stuff

like that. And I'm of course, I'm inept. Right? Yeah. I'm sorry.

No.

It's okay. But that's okay.

It's okay. But then there's 1 point where she's kinda fed up with me, and I look up at the stars. And from memory, I recite this beautiful, like, Walt Whitman poem. Woah. And she sees me in a different way.

And then we go into a tent, and this is the part that's gonna depart a little from Hallmark. We fuck like animals. We go at it. And at first, the camera's outside the tent, and you just see silhouettes, but then the camera pushes into the tent. Oh, no.

It's 2 naked animals, and I'm just a machine. A machine. And then you cut you have all the cutaways to animals going, oh god. Owls heads spinning around and deer running away and salmon swimming the wrong direction. Like a mama owl puts its wings over the baby owl's ears.

And then you you come to the the sun is coming up, and you go back to the tent still going.

You're still doing it.

It's like 2 hours later. God. And then I pause to rehydrate and then but, anyway

But what's the conflict?

Well, the conflict is then, I have too much No. No. No. I I lose myself, but that terrifies me. Okay.

So I go rushing back to the New England College where Enid Crud. Professor Enid Crud with That's good. With 3 d's, c r u d d d, awaits. And she's like, you said you'd be 3 days and you were 4. Well, on our calendar, it says we're gonna move up to 2nd base.

We've been going out for years, and we have never done it.

You haven't even done 2nd base?

With Enid Crud, and yet I went away 1 night Yeah. With this white water rafting woman, and goddamn it. I just went to Jesus Christ. What's the name of the movie? Hold on a second.

White water. Hold it. Rafting. We gotta think of this.

Rapid love.

Rapid love. Yeah. Jesus. Sona. Yeah.

Why are you wasting your time with us? Know. That's crazy. Wasting your time with us? I know.

I know. That's where

I ask myself every single day. Why do I even do this?

Well, I use a lot of times, you're saying it out loud during the podcast. Why am I here? Why am I wasting my time? Rapid love.

Yeah.

We have to get this made, and I'm gonna get on this because I love Vivica a Fox. I'd work with her any day.

I think you would be fantastic

in 1 of these wrong movies. Okay.

Let me start the campaign.

But, this is great. We got a lot of business sorted out. Yeah. Alright. Let's get to it.

My guest today, she's 1 of my all time favorites. She's a talented actress. And saying talented actress does not even come close. No. I love it.

I think she's a phenomenon. She starred in the Hulu series, the great, which is 1 of my favorite shows. Now you can see her in the new movie, a complete unknown. This is the Bob Dylan, biopic with Timothee Chalamet, and, everyone's waiting to see it's gonna be in theaters Christmas day. Elle Fanning.

Welcome. I'm ecstatic you're here because am I not? Right? The last the last time you you were here, you left and all of us were just bathed in golden light. Yeah.

Because you're you're just you've got a great energy. Thank you. Nicest, kindest, and and, like, super funny game. And then I came home, and my wife was like, well, you're in a good mood. I said, I was with Elle Fanning having a conversation, and I'm as happy as I've ever been.

And then she started to cry. Haven't seen me for how long that was a long time. And I

haven't seen my wife since that day. Pretty much ended it. Thanks to you. I'm

so sorry. Yeah.

So sorry. I've never been that happy again. No. I'm so happy that you're here.

We get it today.

Yeah. And it's

like feel the same.

Well, thank you so much for being here. And, we were just I mean, we I mean and the second you came in before we could even start recording, you started talking about this, call in show that you were obsessed with for a while when you were in school and how they caught cheaters on it, and we just found out that it was a lie.

Yep. Yeah.

It was a lie.

And devastated. I can't believe that that's a lie.

I know.

It's sad that these cheaters are fake and that they're not real.

I know. But what was the show? Just say what it was. It was

Ryan's Roses.

Ryan's Roses. Yeah.

Which I think they still do.

And you used to listen to it when you were going to school.

Yes. In the mornings. Going to school in the mornings. And my grandmother list she actually tuned in. This is what it was on the top of my mind because she said that she listened to it the other day, and she hadn't listened to it in forever, and we would listen to it together.

And now I'm like, I have to go break the news to her.

You don't have to tell your grandmother. No. Don't tell her.

I won't tell her. She's always skeptical of things being fake, though, actually.

Isn't like Santa Claus. This is good news that this is fake. No.

You wanna explain quickly what it is. Yeah.

Well, you you know it better than I do because I yeah.

Well, but yeah. Ryan's Roses, it's basically

It's Ryan Seacrest.

Ryan Seacrest on KISS FM, and it's a call in show where if a partner suspects, you know, that they're being cheated on, someone from Ryan's team will call that person and say, we have we're a free florist company, and we're giving out free flowers today. And would you like to give flowers to anyone? Meanwhile, they're being secretly recorded. Their partner's on the other line listening in. They don't know that.

And then sometimes, they'll send flowers to the person that they're cheating with.

Oh, god.

And then they catch him, and then, like, their partner comes on. He's like, you, me.

But that sounds horrific. But then, but then, Sona, you come out with a bombshell.

That was it's they were all actors that they

It's fake. It's fake. The whole thing is fake. And I would when I was just hearing it for the first time, I thought it would kind of have to be fake because you're just struck well, you're destroying lives.

No. We all believed it, though. You should hear it.

They were really good. They were.

Yeah. They're really believable.

Yeah. And then they would even cut out. Like, they'd be like, oh, we lost them.

Yes.

You know? Like, oh, they they hung up. They they realized it would

be recorded and they're gone. Stick.

Yes. Soup. That's right.

And it's

like, oh, we can't we're trying to call them. We can't get them back.

I just texted a deep source within Ryan's roses. Okay. And I asked this person if it was fake. And hopefully, by the time this interview is over, we'll have at least their denial, if not admission.

Okay. Okay.

This is good. If he has a response,

and he's like, who is this? Yeah.

I'll say this is Ryan.

Yeah. It's what we've been doing. Maybe he doesn't know. Yeah. He could be Nixon, innocent.

You know? Oh, wow. I said this to you when I

could do it on this, but do it for real. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That could be a new segment.

Cheating on this new 1? Chocolates. Cocoa's chocolates.

Cocoa. Cocoa. Cocoa. Cocoa. Hey.

Conan here Yeah. From team Coco, and, well, I send free chocolates to people. Who should I

send them to? Is that your wife? It isn't?

Is that how it goes?

No. It's not. It's if he has another birth, she calls the guy and or girl, and she'll be like, hey. You've been selected for, to send a free bouquet of roses to anybody you want. Who do you wanna send them to?

So it's it's like you've been punked, you know, but you've been caught cheating. Yeah. Here's the thing. I'm terrified of pranks. When people say, oh, let's play a prank, and we're gonna play a prank on someone.

People have assumed because I'm in comedy that I would love a prank. I hate a prank because I always think someone's gonna get hurt. Yeah. I'm not gonna lie. Or they're gonna be physically hurt.

Like, oh, it's really funny. They're gonna open the box, and this thing's gonna spring out. And I immediately go to it's gonna detach a cornea. Someone's gonna get hurt.

Yeah. Well, because you hear those things, and then it's like, oh, it's all just for, you know Yeah. A laugh, and then it's like, they're dead.

They're dead. Wait a minute. No. I wasn't allowed. I I don't think you should be pulling pranks, Elle.

Elle's pranks are always like, yeah. And then it's a bomb. No. No. Elle.

Yeah. But it's funny because who would expect a bomb? L. But no.

No. We weren't really allowed, like, my sister and I, like, pranking. We weren't a pranking household.

It's too dangerous.

Yeah. That's what my mom was like like, no. Nope. We're not pranks.

Let's talk about your childhood because Mhmm. You grew up in Conyers, Georgia.

Yes.

And it blew my mind because I realized today that that is the birthplace of mister Jack McBrayer who plays, Kenneth LePage. Yeah. Kenneth LePage Rock and 30 Rock. He's from Conyers, Georgia.

Oh, yes. But I know him. He

Oh, yeah. You know him real well. I know. Wait. I think it is.

Wow. This is a terrible day for Jack McBrayer. I don't know, but I do. Jack Mehoo? My aunt From 31 who played Kenneth a he?

Oh, I really do.

I think he he

knows my aunt really well, and I think they went to school.

Oh, that's so funny. He is a guy who would bother your aunt.

I wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Let me

make sure. Me.

That I'm thinking. Steve. Totally. And I've actually hooked out with him a lot of times. Yay.

I just wanna

because he does know my aunt.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't know him, you don't know him from all of his film work. He's in Wreck It Ralph.

Which is not someone that I think and, like, you know

You're like, no. Hey. Trust me.

Prayer. Like, oh

I know him real well, and I never think of him. Yeah. That's I spend a whole day with him and have a bath.

From there. So it's a small small town.

But I I constantly give him shit all the time about everything, and I'm and when whenever we're like, I had lunch with him not that long ago right near his apartment. And Mhmm. We I just love to if we get on an elevator, I'll go, now don't be scared about this technology. I know you don't have elevators in Conyers, Georgia. And he

has such a thick accent.

Yes. Oh my god. He sounds like a donkey. And,

Oh my god.

He does. He's like,

God.

Anyway

Jack is just getting offended left and right. No. No.

We have this relationship where I've been doing nothing, but abuse this man Yeah. For, like, 20 some odd years. I've never had a real conversation with him in my life. But, anyway

But he's the only other person you know that's from there?

Yeah. Conyers, Georgia. And, yeah. Oh, which what you got there?

I have an update Oh. And from this person I will not name.

Okay. That's okay.

I asked, is Ryan's roses fake? It is. Right? And the person said, depends on who is asking and what they would want to use this information for.

Woah. Well, we have our answer then. We have our answer. We have our answer. Okay.

Like, cut that bit out.

No. I don't know. Right? Why? Why cut it out?

Well, see, they want

see what the they're continuing to text, and

I don't want

the world?

I don't wanna jeopardize their standing

because it was a friend. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. Yes. Well It's the biggest You're the 1 that introduced this role. I know. I know.

You introduced this, and now it's part of the podcast, and and, you're a you're a terrible person. I did not introduce this. Well, you said I'll contact the guy. Sure. Oh, anyway, any mention of Kanye George has to come out too.

Oh. And, also, any mention of Elle Fanning. Also, I

never said it was a

guy. Okay. Oh. Good cover.

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Where were we?

Let's see. Tanya's gorgeous.

We're back after having an off mic discussion. Sure. Yeah. We had a quick off mic discussion, because someone here got us into legal jeopardy, Matt Gourley. That was my superlative in high school, most legally dubious.

Yeah. Yeah. I did something very recently where there was a child actor on set, and I was playing a Santa Claus, and there was a quick break. And this woman came on the set, grabbed the child, and took the child in another room and started teaching her algebra really quickly.

Yeah.

Like, in between the shots.

Literally,

you know, like, a cosine and then, you know, this remember negative numbers and and then what? We gotta get back on set. You're like, fuck. Negative numbers. Negative numbers.

But but but that's what it was like. Right?

It really was. Yeah. Totally. Because I I mean, I went to a regular school from, 4th grade on

Mhmm.

And and graduated, senior year, whatever. But, when I would work, I would, like, go, and I'd had a studio teacher that would teach me things. And it would be like you'd be doing these, like, really intense scenes, like, be, like, crying and then going down to, like, a basement where they, like, set up a little, you know, picnic table and 2 chairs, and you're there and having to do your schoolwork. Right.

And

then I also because the school that I went to was pretty hard. Like, I had to keep up with the schoolwork, or, like, I couldn't do Well, that's good. Films, which, I mean, I think was very important. But then I would be, like, staying up till, like, 3 AM, like, getting stuff done and, like, writing papers. And, like, I think now I'm like, how did I do that?

No. But you think about

had the energy to do that when I was little. And now when I'm doing a project, I'm, like, so exhausted at the end of the day. But it used to be that I would go home and have all this, like, work to do and book reports. I'm like, how did I find the time?

But it's just so funny for me to think of, you know, an actor at your level who's doing this intense work. Even as a even as a kid, you're doing this intense work and then quickly take a break, and you gotta go make a paper mache dinosaur.

Yeah. But it's kinda nice. There's act yeah. There's something about it that is nice because you can just switch in and out of it, and it's I don't know. Not I'm not the type of actor anyways that really stays in it in between.

Like, I need to go do something else or you know?

Right. Right.

But, go to crafty and, like, laugh and relax and, like, I don't really stay totally in it. But I think because when I was a kid, I was so used to switching in and out of it Yeah. That that's what I'm programmed to. And it helps

It's making me think now. Wouldn't it be amazing if it was required of everyone, not just kids, but anyone during in between scenes had to learn stuff? So I'm just thinking of, like

And then you'd be quizzed on

it later. But I'm thinking of, like, Al Pacino and Scarface. You know? And he's just doing this over

the top, like, and you say all my little friend, and

then they're cut. And he's in the next room, and they're like, now remember, the Kansas Nebraska Act in 1950. He's like

he's like, oh, yeah. I got I got it.

I think I got it.

So okay. So so everything

skid, actually.

North of the everything north of the 50 degree latitude had to be okay. Those are had to be okay. A Free state, but anything below okay.

And back on set. I think everyone has to do that. I like that. You know, it's hard for me to believe that you've never you've never done a scene or you've never acted in a scene with your sister. Like, you guys haven't done

that yet. It's crazy. We've done I think the closest thing was an animated we were in My Neighbor Totoro when they did the America the English, dubbing, like, version of that. And I was 4. Dakota was 8, I guess.

And we played sisters in that, but it was voice over.

It's not the same.

Not the same at all. No. No.

Are you guys looking for something?

Yes. Yes. And we have a production company that we're producing projects together. Is it

lu Llewellyn? Is that

your production company? Features.

I'm sorry. Did did Llewellyn do the great? Did you guys were you a producer on the

great? Yes. Yes. Wow. That's so great.

That is good for you.

Yeah. Really cool. And Llewellyn is our she's was our family dog. She passed away. But, yeah, that's we're honoring her.

But she yeah. We have this, and we're, you know, always looking at projects. And then we had a couple projects that were like, oh, it's almost gonna work out that we were gonna do together. And there are still some ideas because we have to make it happen. It's like it's crazy that You know what I'm gonna do?

Looking for it.

I'm gonna write the script. Great. Yeah. No. No.

No. And and yeah. That's No. No. It's good.

And I've never No. Listen. First of all, never written a movie script, but I got it.

The 3rd sister.

Yeah. I'll be the 3rd oh, yeah. I look like I look like the Wendy's girl. Yeah. Sisters.

You're Chekhov's 3 sisters.

You know what I love? It'll yeah. It'll be you 2, and people will be like, this is great. This is fantastic, Ben. Ding dong.

Yoo hoo. Me in a big red wig. Yep. Totally, like, checking out looking into the camera lens. Yeah.

Doing all the things you're not supposed to do. Yes. Totally unbelievable. Yeah. Wearing heels, 6 foot 8.

Yes. We're sisters.

Well, I think that's very cool. You guys both have, because I know fashion.

Mhmm.

You know, fashion is very important to you. Yes. And and you seem like a very artistic type. I know you cook. Mhmm.

And you like to express yourself in different ways, and you like fashion. You like to take risks. Yeah. I do not take fashion risks.

You are wearing a cashmere hoodie under a blazer. Yes.

Basically. That

is a risk.

It's called the Larry David. I think this is what we well, that's a risk. Yeah. But it's

like it's a good color combo. Thank you. Dark green with the navy.

I'm doing a very interesting doing a charitable thing tonight. So I'm usually dressed down for the podcast, but because I'm doing this charity thing tonight, I I need to be dressed up a little bit. So this is me, I would say but I don't take fashion risks. I mean, I don't Yeah. What I'm saying is I know that you'll really go for it sometimes.

Yeah.

Yeah. Which is cool. I don't think I have the guts to do that. I mean, I think I

I always like, growing up, I was kind of allowed to, like, put my outfits together and wear what I wanted to. I did a lot of, like, thrifting and vintage shopping and stuff like that. So and then it's like I don't know. Acting, it also comes with this whole other area that's, like, this red carpet side, which is, like you know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is weird because it's like not everyone likes to do that. Just because you're in movies, it doesn't necessarily mean that you wanna, like, get your picture taken all the time.

Sure.

But I think, I don't know. For me, maybe I was like, I do like that. Oh, yeah. I do I do like the red carpet kind of artistic expression and getting to it's like another character. You know?

Yeah. Other thing up with those things.

It is so unfair. We'll be going someplace and we'll be seen, and my wife will be in the closet for an hour. Mhmm. And she'll keep coming out and trying different things. And I just go in and put on a suit.

I know.

And and, you know, and and when my I just put on a suit and people and everything is just like, yep. Check. You're fine. And my wife will come in. She'll come out.

She's in a beekeeper's outfit, then she goes back in. She comes out. She's, you know, she's wearing, like, a, you know, a a lion costume. Yeah. She's trying

every time. Fur fur pants

with, like, armored blemish, armored top. You know, she's trying all this crazy stuff. A big but but I feel like it's so much. The pressure is so much different. Yeah.

There is. There is. And there are some days you're just like, oh gosh. Like, you're you have to think so much about that stuff, but then I don't know. Other times, it's it's very fun.

But it's interesting with, like, with movie like this, like, certain press tours and stuff, you know that it's gonna be, oh, you know, what clothes you wear, and, like, that's a part of promoting films now. Yes. I don't know. Like Yeah. Literally what clothes you wear.

Well, let's talk

about this because Timothy Chalamet. Yeah. He's a fashionista himself.

He is quite the fashionista. I just, I just was passed the television the other day and a commercial play it was a a a men's cologne ad that he's in for Chanel. For Chanel, and he's, like, falling through the air wearing, and I just thought That should've been me. They are never coming to me. Wow.

Look. If we can't get Timmy Chalamet, we've got Conan O'Brien on the line.

Martin Scorsese directed that ad. Oh, really? Mhmm.

Well, let's get into it because, a complete unknown, highly anticipated biopic about Bob Dylan.

Mhmm.

And you are in this movie, and you are playing it's interesting. You're playing kind of a composite character.

Yes. I mean, she I play in the film. Her name is, Sylvie Russo, but she's based on Suze Vertolo

Yep.

Who was, Bob Dylan's girlfriend.

And she's on the cover.

Exact

I mean, I know, the the iconic 1 of the most iconic covers ever is for the freewheeling Bob Dylan where he's walking down the street in Greenwich Village. Yes. He's with a woman who's, like, sort of holding his arm and snuggling up against him, and that was his girlfriend at the time. Yes.

And that's her.

Yeah. And so that's who you're planning.

And it's really, honestly, it's really true to their relationship. It's just her name is different.

That's the

only thing. And I I think it was actually out of a request from Bob Dylan himself because everyone else's name is what their name was.

But Except for Timmy who plays Dobb Dylan.

Yeah. Yes.

He's a folks he's a folk singer, but everything's a little off. Exactly. He he sings glowin' in the wind. Stand, lady. Stand.

Stand, lady. Stand. Stand, lady. Stand. Do not sit long.

You must stand. Stand, lady. Stand. Well, first of all, I am so excited to see this film, and I would think because also I'm fascinated with that period. Mhmm.

We're talking 1961, 6061 around that era, in the village. And I've always thought clearly there were times in American not just American history, in any in all world history, there were times where there's a moment that happens in a city that's organic. It happens in a place. It happened in Seattle in in the late eighties, early nineties with grunge. It happened in Liverpool in the late fifties sixties.

Something was going on in the village in the fifties. Stuff is percolating. Yeah. And Bob Dylan makes his way there from Hibbing's Minnesota Yep. And changes everything.

And so, I mean and you guys are incredible actors. I'm I'm cannot wait to see this movie.

Yeah. It was so amazing to see. And I yeah. Because it's it's yes. It takes place from, like, 61 to 1965 of basically ending when he was, at the Newport Boat Festival and goes electric for the first time.

And gets It changes the course And

gets moved.

Forever. Yes. And I think he was well, he was called Judas

Yes.

At that festival. What happened? If it was a at that 1. I don't I know in our movie, it is. Because we play you know, we try to stay true, of course, to what happened, but then at the same time, it is a film, and James Mangold, who directed the movie, he wanted to take liberties as well because it is a movie.

And, also, Bob Dylan himself as a figure, he is so mysterious, and he himself likes to play with what's true or not. You know, we don't necessarily know all the truth.

1st of all, I am I have no time for people that sit and watch a biopic and say, hold on a second. That happened in October. I know. What what they described in the film, it's November because they just had

you know, I think And there are those people.

Yes. There are those people, but the point of a of a film like this, an endeavor like this, in my opinion, is to capture the spirit and the energy of what was happening, and transport you. It is not a visit to the IRS where you have all of your documents ready. So the stuff that happens in, in entertainment that is so out there and so explicit and so crazy, and you realize that Bob Dylan basically just plugged in his guitar and played electric Yeah. At a folk festival.

And someone in the crowd shouts, Judas. Yes. Yes.

Because my.

Because I mean, it's so preposterous now Mhmm. And so laughable, but there are these famous stories of he's playing in Pete Seeger's backstage with an ax trying to cut the electricity cable. Say that's So they say. Yes. Again, so they say, but

Yeah.

You think about, oh, Pete, rap hasn't shown up yet. You know? Like like, funk, rap. I mean, there's all this stuff that's gonna blow your mind. You know?

Like, he's still playing folk with an electric guitar. Exactly.

And it just takes that kind of 1 person to be daring enough to change, you know, and step outside of the box.

He risked, I mean, he he risked he disappointed his core fan base, which you're never supposed to do. Right. I've done it many times. I think I'm very brave. But,

I think I'm very brave. Yes.

And I if that could be the pull quote from this interview. What did Elle say about the movie? Well, Conan kept talking over her, and he's kept shouting I'm very brave. And don't sell yourself short. You've disappointed all of us as well.

Well, I was calling listen. You are my core fan base. No. That's the sad news. No.

Yeah. Oh, man. But I would think I would

think We are gonna host the Oscars.

I know. Yeah. I know. That that Insane. I know.

But they'll I said exciting. It's exciting, but I I think they'll after this interview, they'll revoke it. They'll say, Conan, did you shout I'm brave at Elle Channing? But but I would think, Elle, I mean, I'm, I was born in 63. So this is ancient history to me because I I I wasn't connected to it in any way.

But for you, this might as well be 18/61. You know, it's it's such a long time ago, but the style of that time is so iconic.

Oh, completely.

I mean, not not just the music, but Yeah. Getting to, I would just think from a art production standpoint, like, I'm I really wanna see the movie, and I'm looking forward to the performances and the story. But I'm also looking forward to the cars

Yes.

The guitars, the the clothing Yeah. The look of things.

Yeah. It's really shot with, like, such authenticity. I mean, we shot in New York and also New Jersey. Mhmm. Because, obviously, a lot of those iconic New York streets now are very modernized.

So Right. We we actually took like, in Hoboken kind of created, like, Cafe Waugh and

Yeah.

Yeah. West Village, you know, over there. Arianne Phillips did our costumes, and she's just absolutely incredible. I think Timmy had, like, 70 outfit changes because it really goes from him, like, starting Robert Zimmerman to Bob Dylan. Like, in we you see him as someone from Minnesota who, like, literally just got off the bus and seeing New York for the first time.

So Yeah. There's such an evolution that he takes in the film. And I was a huge I I I it I saying this, it's like, oh gosh. I hear how I sound, but it honestly is true. But I was a huge Bob Dylan fan because Cameron Crowe, I did We Bought A Zoo with him when I was 13.

I think that's what I came on your show for the first time. But he introduced me to Bob Dylan, and I became, like, a Bob Dylan nut. And I wasn't allowed to have posters on my room, but I had a corkboard. And on the corkboard, I had Bob Dylan up there. And I would write every day.

It and I have I have to find photos of this something. But in middle school, I would write Bob Dylan on my hand right here in cursive every day. Wow. Like, weird.

But I

don't know that was I don't know why I also did that. I think I was like, I'm cool. You know? I like Bob Dylan. And in middle school, I was like, you don't know who he is.

You know? And I'm like, I do, but I did that.

And I I really did. So I

feel like I manifested, like, getting this part. It's kinda wild.

Of course. You manifested it. Yeah. Because of that. It.

You're not here. Kids at school were like, what is that?

Who is that? I'm like, you don't know. Wow. You sounded like an awful kid. I

know. I know. I was just more like,

oh, you know. I love that. You don't know, do you? Well, I wrote his name on my hand, and you couldn't possibly know. Exactly.

What kind of kid were you? Well, bye bye now. Yes. Yeah. I,

I But I was very excited about

You what's up to you? This.

I was like, what? When they came to me, I was like People have dream

boards where they're supposed to right? You're supposed

Vision boards.

Vision boards where you're supposed to your hand was your vision board.

That's right.

I mean, just manifesting things.

Totally. Totally. I mean, I you know, they I know this the movie they've been trying to do for a while and with the strike and COVID and, like Mhmm. Timothy's been training for it for, like, 5 years now. So he he sang everything live.

He did the guitar live, and it was really kind of amazing, like, hearing him for the first time. Like, it was extraordinary. And we were in It's

so funny. When you said he tripped and training really hard, I thought he went the Marvel route. Yeah. And so he shows up as this completely jacked, and he just misunderstood. Bob Dylan just all roided up.

Exactly. V shaped torso.

Yeah.

I'm all set to go. I put on a 100 and I put on a £150 of muscle. Well, now we need to

do your algebra. Come on.

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So what, so I didn't realize I didn't realize he did all of his own

He did. Yeah. Yeah. All of his own singing. I was in, like, an auditorium for the first time and hearing him sing.

I think it was a hard rain's gonna fall. He was singing that, and all the background artists, like, in the auditorium were like, that's not him. Like, he's lip syncing. I was like, yes. It is.

I, like, tapped him. I was like, I know it is. I know it's him.

You're always a know it all in all your stories. Probably gonna be horrible. I happen to know it is, and I've written it is on my hand.

The most annoying person. Like, well, actually, yes.

Oh, no. We should have you get we should have you just pop into the podcast every now and then and go, uh-uh. Yes. It is. And I haven't was there Al Fanning who just popped through that little window?

No. Wait.

You have Conan O'Brien written on your hand currently.

Yeah. I'll start. I'll start.

I don't know what that'll manifest, but, you

know Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you don't wanna know being on the podcast a 9th time. That's so cool. I'm looking forward to, I'm really looking forward to seeing it.

And, you know, 1 of the things that fascinates me about Bob Dylan and always has is he was a shape shifter. He probably still is a shape shifter. Totally made shit up left and right. Yeah. So there's this famous introduction a couple of years before the incident where he plugged in.

Mhmm. There's this famous incident where where Bob Dylan's introduced by Pete Seeger at, folk festival. And Pete Seeger says, you know, he tried to run away from home 9 different times, but was caught and returned. And then finally, he'd, like, jumped a train and came here and camped out with hobos, and here he is tonight. And he and they everyone believed that.

It later turned out to be his, like, parents were like, well, good luck. And here's a here's some money, and don't forget to write. Here's a cell phone. Yeah. Here's a you know, what whatever.

He had made it up. Yeah.

And he said he worked it or that he, like, worked at a carnival. Yes. And yeah. He said whatever. A traveling circus, which I don't know if that's true.

I don't

Well, but I guess I think it's part of an American tradition where William Faulkner completely made up his past. Ernest Hemingway made up stuff. Great artists invent themselves. Mhmm. I believe that.

And they come up with all these stories, and I I think, Faulkner had everyone convinced that he had flown in the Royal Air Force in World War 1. It's like, nope. Completely untrue. You know? He was, like, tending a furnace, you know, some somewhere in, like, Tennessee or something.

But that it's part of the creative process in a weird way. Sometimes you hear it and you think, oh, yeah. That's that's a sociopath. But, no, that was his that was part of his process was inventing himself.

Yeah. Definitely. And I think even, like, through his I mean, obviously, his songs, and he's, like, 1 of the greatest writers, I think, that we have. I mean and it is interesting, like, thinking about he didn't wanna kind of deal with the fuss of people judging him for his past. Yes.

You know? Like, he just was like, this is my work. I want you to judge at face value.

I thought it was hilarious when he won he won the Nobel Prize. And I just love that he was annoyed. I don't wanna go. Why do I have to go in and get it? You know, just, like, annoyed by it all

Yes.

Which would not be anyone else's reaction to winning the Nobel Prize.

Exactly. Didn't want the fuss. Yeah. I know. I never I haven't met him.

I was told I thought you did meet Bob Dylan.

No. I did not. I was I was told no. Timothy hasn't met him either. Jim has met him, James Mangold.

But we have not met him. I was told that I was gonna have a rehearsal with Jim and Bob Dylan.

Mhmm. And I

I got this email, and I was like, oh my god. I was like, this is amazing. Like, I have to pick out what I'm gonna wear. I have, like, I what am I gonna say to him? What am I gonna ask?

I'm, like, so excited. And I walk in the next day, and it's Jim and Timmy.

Oh, no.

And I was like, oh,

what? Boo. I know. Who wants to meet Timothy Hi, guys. Chalamet.

I know. I was like What a waste of time.

It was Bob to we were laughing at that time. Or something? No. I think it's just, like, sometimes they do that on set.

Being whimsical. Yeah.

You know? And and, you know, an assistant had, like, written it down, Bob Dylan. It was, like, both names, like Bob Dylan, all caps, bold, in bold. So maybe I should have realized. Well, I

I've met him briefly. I've told him I've told it before. But just because you're here and it lines up perfectly, I can go really quickly. Backstage at a concert with my good friend and guitarist, Jimmy Vivino, in this sort of backstage area. And then I'm pushed, like, literally pushed into a room and there's a bunch of people there.

And then suddenly, I'm because of the way people are moving in the room, suddenly I'm sort of spit out at the front of the room and there is Bob Dylan staring at me. And I'm right in front of him, and he's got the little tiny pencil mustache that he had during that phase where he's wearing the string ties Yeah. Yeah. And little pencil mustache. And he looks at me and he goes, hey.

I know you from the TV. Woah. And then just then, I get interrupted by somebody who literally drags me out of my 1 conversation I'm gonna have with Bob Dylan, and Bob Dylan, like, skitters away. Oh, no. And that person was Al Gore.

Woah. And I've always been pissed at Al Gore ever since because literally, he went, Kate. I know. He said, I know you from the TV. And I'm about to go like, oh my god, Bob Dylan.

And I'm just about to speak to him, and he's looking at me when I hear, Conan. Conan. It's me, Al Gore.

Oh, god. No.

Global warming's a reality. Al. It's an inconvenient truth. Oh, no. The Earth is warming by 3 degrees every and I'll and and I'd see Bob Dylan shrug and kinda walk away.

Did you know

that And that was it. That was it. Knows you.

He knows me from the TV. He didn't know my name. And and it wasn't the TV. It was the TV accent on the TV. Chalomay and tell him that's how you pronounce TV.

Yeah. Yeah. You should've told him. I I I saw him at, a concert right before. We went at the Kings Road Theater in New in New York, and I saw him.

And I actually so sad. I had eaten a bad turkey sandwich. And I was, like, in the mid like, the concert, I'd never seen Bob Dylan live before, and I'm like, I knew I was doing the movie, and Timothy was there and or there. And I just was like, oh, no. I'm going to throw up.

Oh. And so it was I had to leave, like, halfway through. I and, actually, I so I ran out of the stadium, and it's like a beautiful theater, like, really kind of grand and gold. It's like it's really pretty. Run out right next to the concession stand, like, in the lobby, and I I can't make it to the bathroom, Just puke turkey sandwich all in the carpet.

Oh my gosh.

And then I know. I was like, oh gosh. And I had I had to leave. And I went to the bathroom, and then when I came back, they had, like, a sad little, like, cone over my throw up. You know?

Like, avoid this area.

It's

like, no. I have to get back to the concert. Oh, that's terrible. Must see. I know.

So darn.

Well, it was the turkey sandwich. It was not Bob that made it. Yeah. I was the turkey

sandwich. Turkey sandwich.

Well, I don't even I think you met Timmy Chalamet, but you don't even know it.

I met him right before he blew up. I went and had ice cream with him. What? We went to ice cream after.

Yeah. Yeah. What was that like? Was he what was he like?

He was cool. I mean, he was like a young kid. I mean, you know, he he was taught he was he, at that point, had already been in was Interstellar the 1 with Matthew McConaughey? Yes. Yeah.

He was in that movie already, but he had a small part in it. Mhmm. And, you know, I think everyone was like, you're gonna you're gonna do great.

Yeah.

You'll be great.

And I remember

called me by your name came

out. Yeah. You sat him down, I think, and said, I you know, look. You should try comedy because acting's not your thing, and and and you'll, you know, try comedy, and maybe you could be, like, half a Conan O'Brien 1 day. Remember when you said that?

I did. I was like, I don't know. Comedy seems like it would be a better fit for you than drama.

He's like, I'm gonna show these 2

people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You made him.

Yeah. You made him.

It's because of

our Yeah. We already noticed.

Villain origin story. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you know what he has written on his hand? Conan is wrong. Yeah.

Well, he wrote that on my hand

as well. Seen it where yours is a little Yeah. Yours is is fucking wrong.

Yeah. I think we all do. I think all 5 of them

I just said I'm tattooed. You know what's so nice? I was I was reading different interviews with you in preparation for chatting to you today, and you said something really interesting to me, which is that you learned you've learned different things from different people. You say that a big part of your education was working with Sofia Coppola. Mhmm.

Like, so you've, you know, your education continued long after your your formal education. Yes. And I really believe in that. I really believe we learned so much. But you said that you learned manners Mhmm.

From, working with Kirsten and Nicole Kidman. Mhmm. You're working with them and you learned manners. And I thought nobody talks about manners. And now I'm gonna sound like an old man, but I promise you, I think it is a magic power.

Mhmm. It's a magical thing to be well mannered. Yeah. And you are, exceptionally well mannered. You're just a you're you're a very, kind person, and I I I don't think people understand the superpower that that is.

Do you know what I mean? And no 1 and no 1 talks about it a lot.

Oh, yeah.

They don't talk about you know, it's all about well, you know, obviously, you gotta have talent, but you also have to, like you gotta be tactical, and you gotta do this. And I was like, how about I swear to god Just

be nice.

Being being well mannered. Being well mannered. And and it's, it's and it and I understand it's maybe it's, I've always heard it's part of a southern thing. Like Yeah. Jack is insanely well mannered.

So anytime Jack McBrayer comes to my house, 2 days later, I get a note.

Mhmm. Mhmm. Sir,

it was an honor. You know? I have a feeling that's not what it's No. No. Yeah.

I didn't say it was an honor, but he does he does write. He says it was lovely. It was an honor hanging out with your wife. Everyone likes Liza. Everyone likes Liza, and people tolerate me.

But, but, no, it's just, like, that's such a nice thing.

Yeah. It's true. I mean, I think, like You

must have learned a lot.

Growing up Yeah. You know, from I didn't go to, like, acting class or anything. So it's just like being on set and around different personalities and different people and picking up on, you know, what people do. And, I mean, honestly, it's like my mom. Yes.

Like, you know, she would be on set with me or my grandmother, and I would have you know, write a note, get wrap gifts for everyone, like, that I've just always done it. Even, like, small things about, like, putting at the end of the day, like, your costume, like, making sure that it's, like, hung up, that you hang it up at in in the trailer.

Yes.

Because then you hear because you hear people say, like, they just throw, and they're like, thank you so much for just hanging it up. It's like, well, it takes, like, a second to do that. You know? Like, it's

and Also, sometimes it makes you realize how other people are behaving. Right. I've had situations where I don't know. I'm doing something, and I'll, I don't know. It'll be like a SiriusXM record in New York or something, and I'm headed out, and I'll pass the person at, like, the front thing.

And I'll say, I'm gonna get coffee. Do you want any? And they go, what? Yeah. What?

And I'm thinking, I'm not giving you a kidney. Right. I'm saying I'm getting a coffee. Would you like 1 too? And you realize, oh, it's such little things like that.

I know. It makes you

feel better to, I don't know, to be to be kind. I mean, it sounds so cliche and easy, but I don't in this business, it's like there's a lot of not nice people.

Why'd you look at me? And by the way, I that's a made up story about getting the coffee.

I was like, did

you really get coffee for snacks?

No. I think you

took the coffee from them. I took gonna be through the I took the security I took her coffee, and I said, thanks for the Java. Now go get your own.

But you are known you you actually are known as, like, the nicest and the best. Well,

that's very sweet. You are.

But when

Everyone says it, and everyone thinks it.

But, Sona, you've seen the real me.

I have seen the real you.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I have I have it's coming out in a tell all.

You already wrote

it. Conan

O'Brien. Book. Yeah. I did. I know.

That's right. I did. I she wrote a New York Times bestseller called world's worst assistant. Yeah. She basically put it all out there.

But it's basically the 2 of us acting like

have a little edge.

Yeah. We're mostly mostly, you read the book, and it's a hilarious book, but you mostly just read the book and think both of these people are idiots who shouldn't be allowed to do anything.

I think I started writing it thinking it would be a takedown of you, but it was really just an indictment on me and how bad I was as your assistant. But having being your assistant, I will say there's a difference you can see between people who will dismiss you and people who actually talk to you. Right.

I got

that a lot. Right. Yeah. And it makes a really big difference. Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

People remembering people's names.

You know people.

You know what I mean? Like, on set, you do meet a lot of people. It's like

Assistance like, people can sometimes just be very rude to assistance because they're trying to get to you. And there's a lot of people who I had a really actually talk to you and

get you. Interesting thing happen to me. I've never forgotten it, which is I was working on the Simpsons. I was a writer producer there. This is before I got the, talk show, and I'm probably, I don't know, 26.

I used to just wear, like, a t shirt and kind of that you know, that red James Dean, a kind of iconic jacket with the flip up collar. I had 1 of those. So I'm wearing, like that's just how I'm dressed and I'm wearing sneakers. And I remembered I was gonna go meet my, friend, Suzanne Daniels, who was a big exec over on the Fox lot. I remember for some reason, I had a package in my hand that was just my package.

And I walked into this office and I said, yeah. Here for, Suzanne Daniels. And this person behind the desk went, yeah. Just put that down. Just leave it there.

And I went, well, actually and they went, just put it down. Okay? Like, because I'm the delivery guy.

Yeah.

I kept trying to stall, and the person was just just looking through me like I didn't exist. Oh my god. Course, Suzanne saw me and went, Conan. Hey. Yeah.

And this person she was like, have you met Conan? He's a writer producer at the Simpsons and da da da. He's gonna have a late night show in a year and a half even though nobody knows that yet. And She just knew. Yes.

Apparently, he is a delivery boy. Yeah. But, anyway, I just saw in a moment

And then he's like, oh.

I saw status completely shift arbitrarily. Mhmm. Because why does that make a difference? Yeah. And, yeah.

Completely. Yeah. That executive was Jeff Ross. Oh my god. Yeah.

He was terrible to me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Assistant. Oh, that doesn't make any sense.

You made it.

I know. It's you really messed up. Up. Yeah. I got it wrong.

But, anyway no. You know who the assistant was? Who? It was a very, very young Timothy Chalamet. Oh my gosh.

Wow.

Wow. Hanging it around.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. I remember he was a fetus. Uh-huh. There was, like, there was a fetus, a really good looking fetus.

Yeah. Wearing, like, some kind of exotic cologne. They said, like, just leave the package there. And I said, why do you have an umbilical cord? Just leave the just leave it there.

And cue the rap light. Here we go.

I got us out. Hey, Elle. Everyone's gonna see this movie, and, I'm just it's it's a complete unknown. It's you, Timothy Chalamet, and

Edward Norton.

Edward Norton. Martha Barbara. I can't wait to see it. But, also, anytime you wanna come in and just sit down and talk about anything, you're 1 of my favorite people. Yeah.

No. Seriously, you're

I wanna pop in now. I wanna, like because the office is it was this is really nice, but the kitchen and everything. Yeah. Yeah.

Just don't go in there. That's our kitchen.

Like, I've already have, like, pockets full of snacks.

Okay. Well, I'll need you to empty your Coke before you leave. Snacks don't grow on trees. No, Conan. They're nuts.

They literally grow on trees. You are an absolute delight, and I, I as you know, I'm a massive fan of the great. And, and watching you in that role walk this crazy tight rope of being near death experiences, being assaulted, but being but then being hilariously funny in the next scene. I don't know how you do it. It's 1 of the best performances I've seen in a show ever, and it's 1 of my favorite shows.

And then you just have this insane career, and you're a delight. You're a delightful person. So come back anytime.

I will.

And thanks for being here and sharing your energy with us because these guys are sucking the life out of me.

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I'm Derval O'Rourke. Green Isle Roast potatoes and croquettes are Christmas favorites in my house. Green Isle does the prep, I get the credit. Green Isle, goodness for all.

We thought we might initiate a series of staff reviews

here at Team

Coco facilities. We're gonna start with your producer, long time producer, Jeff Ross.

Jeff Ross. Not to be confused with the roast master general, Jeff Ross, the comedian. Jeff Ross has been my producer. We really started in late night together. Was it 31 years ago, Jeff?

93 April of 93. We met in April 93.

So someone do the math.

I think it's 30 want to.

I don't feel it's calculator?

Pay my No. It's been 57 years.

I don't care enough.

Anyhoo, you get the point. We've been together side by side on this crazy adventure through shell business. And what we're doing, Jeff, is, thinking that maybe we just review people, talk to them about their work.

It's not gonna go well.

No. No. No. It's going to go well. Of course, it's going to go well.

Jeff, you've been with me Yeah. At the helm of this ship for a long time. We've been through we've been through highs. We've been through lows. We've been through highs again and then some more lows, then lots of lows, then a quick high, then years years.

No. It's been great. It's been great. We've had a great ride, but I think it's time for a brief catch up Sure. Lately on, your performance here at the show.

Mhmm. Jeff, I'm just gonna come out and say it. In all the time I've known you, you've worn glasses. Okay?

This is where you're coming.

You've worn glasses the whole time I've known you. True. Very recently Yes. You had a surgical procedure which you needed to have. This is not elective.

That's it was a surgical procedure that you needed to have on your eyes. And while they were doing that surgery, they were like, hey. We can correct your vision at the same time.

They kinda that's the way it works. Yeah.

That's the way it works. Yeah. So they corrected your vision. And I didn't you didn't, first of all, talk to any of us about this. You went ahead and had this surgery, which you had to have which you had to have.

Hold on. Why would he talk? Because I talked to Jeff about all the surgeries I have. That's true. We we talk

to each other about our

Yeah. Our various surgeries. Yeah. When I was circumcised, and then I went back and had it put back on.

What? And then

I was circumcised and then had it put back on again.

I tried to talk him out of it both times. Yeah.

I hadn't. And you were just like, put it back?

Yeah. I wanted it back. And they couldn't keep it? They couldn't well, I was holding it for a while. I don't Jeff had it for a while in his wallet.

The way high school kids keep a condom in their wallet. People were like, Jeff, you got a condom in your wallet? He's like, no. No. No.

It's Conan's 4th kids. But thank you for keeping it. You're supposed to moisturize it, but he didn't. Oh, so it's back on there. Just like a old dry pig ear.

Yeah. Well, we went back and forth 2 times because I kept changing my mind. Now it's back on, and I'm not convinced it's mine. But that's a whole other story. Anyway, that's not why we're having this review.

Okay. The focus should not be on the crazy surgeries that I've had butchering my my my member. Maybe they should be. But, Jeff Yes. You had this, you had this thing and you come in, and suddenly you're not, wearing glasses because you don't need to anymore because you have now 2020 vision.

But I need readers.

You need readers. But most of the time you're walking around the office. I just, went on we shot a travel show together in a foreign land. Mhmm. We've we traveled the world together, and you're not wearing glasses.

And you're he's Jeff. You will agree. A very good looking man. Yes. You're a

good looking guy. Everybody.

You you are. You're you're a good looking man. I think you're out. Your your whole listen. The whole time I've been with Jeff, people women always nudging me.

Like, that Jeff Ross is a good looking guy, and I'm like, hey. What am I? Chop liver over here? But, Jeff Make

it about you.

What's that?

Yeah. What the I said make it

a you you make it about you? Yeah. I was born on make it about you, mountain. Okay. So Jeff isn't wearing glasses now, and he comes in and you walk around.

You don't have glasses on.

Right.

And I can't get used to it. And I'm not the only 1. A couple of us, Eduardo, feel free to weigh in. Weird. It's weird.

I can't get used to it. Well And here's the thing. I can't get used to it, and you'll get to talk in just a second. Wait a minute. I'm not even sure that's true.

I might just keep talking.

Oh, no problem.

A great staff for you. A lot of us are having trouble adjusting. And the thing is, it's our problem because you've had a certain look for a long time, but and then suddenly it changed, and you look great. But I'm not used to it. Mhmm.

What are we gonna do, John?

Say 2 things. First of all, I'm not used to it either because still I wake up in the morning, and I reach over to the bedside table. Actually, it's on my left. And to reach for my glasses, and they're not there. Mhmm.

And sometimes at night, when I brush my teeth and I wash my face, I reach for my glasses, and they're not there. What I might do, what I'm considering is what you did, which is get, like, progressive, nothing up top, and readers at the bottom. Yeah. Yeah. I have considering that.

I don't mind wearing glasses, and I just decided I'll yeah. I did the progressive thing. So my eyes without glasses are fine, but I don't like putting glasses on and off all the time.

Yeah. This is a pain.

And so I just wear glasses, so that when I can pick up a book and read, and I have I'm sorry. I have a question.

This is a staff review?

Yeah. Okay. Alright. Okay. Let me get back to the review part.

Could I just do a segment of reviewing the staff reviews?

Because I

have a couple notes.

I'll do. But listen.

But, please, let's talk more about your progressive led there.

Well, I didn't put it on the email. That was Jeff who made the executive producer decision You asked me

a question, and I answered it.

To no. Here's what I'm saying. I want you to immediately it's just a staff review. I want you to immediately start wearing glasses. I want you to wear them all the time.

Yeah. No. Those are at the end of your nose. Now you look like grandma look like this 1. Yeah.

Yeah. That doesn't work. Okay. I want you and if not

I'm gonna go do what you did.

No. No. No. Let's not get I

do that a lot anyway.

Let's not get on to progressives again because that's a we Sono's told us that's a bad topic. I had a thought. Back to your force game. No. No.

That's a separate episode. That's from my staffers, by the way. Yeah. That's, by the way. Kind of staffers here.

By the

way, I could get it again.

Yeah. Oh. So listen. Jeff, I had an idea, which is that you get a tattoo of glasses Oh. On your eyes.

You get glasses drawn on as if you fell asleep at a at a fraternity instead of a a penis on your cheek. It's just some really nice glasses. Can he also do it? Glasses. Only if he can

go back to New Zealand to that place with the guy with the crazy tattoos on his arm, and he does it. Oh. Okay.

But you like that guy. You like the tattoos?

What's that? Jeez.

I I like to keep it secret where we're going, but Jeff, I guess, likes to just blab it out because it didn't

do was a a secret because everybody knew you were there.

Yeah. That's true. I know something in a stadium full of people. You know what I mean? The girl I heard the whole

time was in in the van was, Bla, how's socials doing? How's socials doing?

Staff reviews. Staff review. Review.

I like the idea of no glasses.

It's a whole lot of to get used to it, but I want I like things. I'm at a stage in my life. I'm no spring chicken where I like things to be the same.

And

so the other thought of that I had was get Jeff 2 monocles, and he puts 1 in each eye. And you walk around with 2 monocles.

Yeah.

You know, colonel Clank had 1, you get 2.

I remember.

And you weren't and then when you're in a meeting with me and you're surprised by something, like, Conan stole that much from the budget, your eyes widen, and they both fall out. That would be funny. 1 at a time, maybe. Yeah. 1 and then the other.

Well, when something's quizzical or skeptical, 1 falls out. 1 falls out. Yeah. But you meant to keep the other. Anyway, these are just ideas you should think about.

I appreciate that.

And that's weird for me too.

Would you like to maybe quickly review me since you and I you're the only person that can. You're only alone that has the authority. How am I doing, Jeff?

You're doing great. We're still working. Wow. We're still going.

We're still going.

We're still going. Notes. I have a few

notes. We can feed you a few notes. You

don't have notes.

I've been riding this gravy train for 30 years.

Okay? Jeff Do

you think I'm gonna start giving you notes?

Jeff

is You're crazy.

Jeff's sitting on top of the caboose of the gravy train. Well, Jeff, other than the glasses and get that shit straightened away

I will.

A plus all the way. I like it. Doing what you're doing. Thank you. Okay.

And I thought this was pretty painless. Yeah. Totally painless.

Alright. Foreskin on the table.

Ugh. Come on.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonamovcesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Mac Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista, and Brit Khan.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get 3 free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan.

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Uncork our fabulous Christmas savings at O'Brien's. Save up to 40% on over a 150 incredible wines from unique family focused wineries to your favorite top brands. Discover great deals on classics like Monter Real Rioja Reserva now just 1395. Save €9. Or Scorpius Marlborough Sauvignon now just 12.95.

Save €5. O'Brien's. Discover the wines we love. Shop in store or online at o'brienswine.ie. Please enjoy alcohol sensibly.

I'm Derval O'Rourke. Greenisle roast potatoes and croquettes are Christmas favorites in my house. Greenisle does the prep. I get the credit. Greenisle, goodness for all.