Transcript of Jesse Eisenberg Returns

Hi. My name is Jesse Eisenberg, and I feel Unconflicted, maybe for the first time in my life about something, but in this case, about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

That's so sweet. Yes. Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend. Sona is giggling away uncontrollably.

I don't know what's happening. Sona Museschen, I see, of course, Matt Gourley.

Hi. The

whole gang's here and doing the holiday vibe.

Yeah. Are you feeling it? Oh, I love Christmas. You do? I truly do.

Yeah.

You're a Christmas guy? I

am. Yeah.

What do you I'm I'm guessing, do you go all out with the traditional stuff? Do you have lots of stuff you put out, little holiday trinkets?

I think so. Yeah.

You do. What do you mean? I think I just Are you okay? Are you afraid to admit it to you? I'm afraid

of what you will tear into.

I Yeah. I'm a I'm a sentimental old sap about Christmas.

Oh, nice.

Really am. Yeah. Are you, Sona?

Yeah. I mean You

have our first of all,

I know you celebrate it a little later on.

No. We celebrate American Christmas too, but we, you know, we have a fake tree, which you guys got mad

at me for when we were doing summer s'mores. Yep.

And then we, like, put a few things on, but we're not like the house people stop at when they're driving down the block and be like, oh my god. Look at this.

I don't wanna be that house. You don't? No. The house that has oh, they have a thing now I saw an ad where they project. You can put little projectors that project like candy canes Snowflakes.

And snowflakes and little Santas and reindeer, and they crisscross your entire house. And I think I would go insane.

What?

If I

was in my house and that was being projected and coming in through the window, I think I'd lose my mind.

I don't know. I No.

And you step outside to go get the paper, and your these lasers are firing candy canes into your eyes. You get your paper in the nighttime? Yeah. Oh. I get it delivered at night.

Oh, boy. When I want it when there's bad news, I wanna hear it right away.

So the guy the little guy the paper boy comes back at night just for your house?

You might pay him

a little extra to come by at night. It makes me feel so weird. Wanna read news in the morning. I wanna read it at night, and it's the only way to get it through the newspaper, I'm told. Hi.

I don't know much about the Internet. But, anyway, I don't I don't that looks like way too much to have something projected on the house, but I have a brother who's a fully adult man. He goes all out on Christmas on the inside of his house. And I think that's really sweet. I love that.

I I'm all for people going for it. You know what's funny? Every now and then someone gives me an ornament. I put it on the tree and then kinda forget about it. And then it just shows up because it all goes into a box and then it goes back on the tree the next year.

And a couple of years ago, Zach Braff was here, and he gave me an ornament. It's him and Donald Faison hugging each other. And I remember just coming home and, like, it was in my pocket. And I'm like, what's this ornament? The tree was up, and

I went, oh, okay.

And I just put it on the tree. Like, 3 years go by, and I the other day, I passed my tree. And I'm like, what the fuck? Why does Zach Braff and Donald face on hogging each other on my tree? I want that ornament.

Is there any Conan ornaments? Did you ever make an ornament?

There was a you know, it's it is actually a sentimental memory, but our first season, we premiered September 13, 1993 when I was a 30 year old kid, and every the reviews were pretty much this won't last. And there was a late night with Conan O'Brien Christmas ornament that someone made and gave to me. I remember to hang it on the tree in Christmas of 93 and kinda thinking, well, at least I got this. Oh. No.

Seriously. And then all these years later, I look at it. It's, and I'm I'm like, you showed them little ornament. You know,

it's got it's

this nice little feeling. Yeah. I wanna break that ornament.

I know you do.

I need to smash it. Like, when when I go to your house, I'm just gonna break it. Yeah. Throw the the Zach Braff Donald Faison ornament at it, smashing it. But yeah.

So, I mean, I get sentimental. I'm I pretend I work really hard at not being sentimental, but I'm very sentimental.

Like to

play the Scrooge?

And I like to try to, but then I'm a I'm a total mush about Christmas time. Here's the divisive thing.

Where do you guys fall on Tinsel on a Christmas tree?

Tinsel can go fuck itself.

You know what? Chosen aside.

Yeah. I'm No. I'm I have

a little

bit of an opinion. I'm not a tinsel person. Growing up, there'd be some tinsel on our family tree, but I've never wanted it on our tree. I I just I it just looks like shredded aluminum to me.

And also pets often eat it, and you find it later.

Ew. Yeah. But it looks like someone left you a beautiful present of shit. I try to get my dog to eat a bow, a red bow, so that later I can put it under the tree.

I say, look what I got you, honey. It's a shit bow.

A what? Yeah.

The really hard part is getting the dog to swallow a card that says, This is shit. But if you can get it to swallow a bow and a card and the dog and it all stays kinda together. Ew. It's fantastic. It's such a good prank.

Yeah. Anyway Holidays. Happy yeah. Aren't you glad you you listened? Hey.

Merry Christmas, you 2.

Merry Christmas. Hey. You 2. And happy holidays.

Well, that's taking

too far. Exclusive. Oh. Well, and just everyone. I just want everyone to have a good holiday.

Be they Christian, be they not.

Did you wanna give us, like, Christmas bonuses and cash right now or anything?

Oh, I could Venmo you. Okay. And Sono will probably tell you I know exactly how to Venmo people. That's the hardest I've seen Sona laugh in a while. Says the guy

who says the guy who calls his wife

when she's in New York and I'm in LA and goes, come, can you Uber Eats me some

open chicken salad? Because you're horny.

I got better, but there was a while there where I was petrified. I'm sorry. It was new technology for a very old man. Oh my god. And she'd be and she or she'd be in Seattle visiting her parents, and I'd be like, I really like that turkey burger.

And she'd be like, yeah. Yeah. You just get it. It's you know? You know, it's on, what is it called?

Chomp chomp chomp.net? That's it? Chomp.net. That's right.

Dotnet? Throw a couple of

my way, and I'll tell you which 1.

Grubhub. Grubhub. DoorDash. Yep.

Postmates. Postmates.

Okay.

Postmates. There it is. I'd say, hey, honey. I like that turkey burger.

And she'd be like, well, I'm in Thailand right now in a meeting. And I'd be

like, yeah. Yeah. And I'm asleep. Yeah. Yeah.

I like that turkey burger. Can you get it on chompchomp.gov?

And she'd say, do you mean Postmates?

And I go, yeah. Just send it over to the house. The turkey burger. No. Babble juice house.

Oh my god.

Say for for anyone listening who thinks that Conan is joking, I remember teaching you how to right click back at late night. You were like, oh, that button does something else. Yes. Yeah. I remember.

True. You were real quick. Young, a young fellow. That's right. This is back when I had a steam powered computer.

We had to wait for it to heat up to work. You also make me you also used to make me say permission to come aboard before I could go into your office. Yes. So far, I know. Was literally, like, a foot and a half from the door and I could put something on it, I had

to say permission to come aboard. And you would say Hey.

Hey. Permission denied. And then I'd have to get you on a piece of paper, and you go, like, oh, I got those research notes. And I'd say, what? And you'd say permission to come aboard, and

I'd go, permission denied. And I would walk

away. Now I think that's quality leadership. Anyway, shit bow. That's the way

to go this Christmas. Get your dog

to eat a bow,

and then give that to someone as a present.

Shit bow. Coming soon to a theater near you. Theda? No. It's not a movie.

I've lost my mind. Merry Christmas.

You put that up, and then you put it up again. Yeah.

It's a double wrap.

This yeah. Well, we call in the podcast industry a double wrap. Yeah. You just you just slid the wrap at me another it's a wrap sign that you slid to me a second time, and I just keep ignoring it. That's what I do if I was a teller and someone slid a piece of paper that said this is a robbery.

I'd say, yeah. And another thing.

Shit bow. And then

they'd slide it again. This is a robbery.

Triple wrap that shit. Get your dog to eat some pizza, and you've got some shiny shit. Look.

We have families we gotta

get home to for Christmas,

and I'm trying to rob a bank. Happy holidays, everyone. Christmas? Well, whatever. Yeah.

Alright, you guys. Let's get serious. Shit. You deserve shippo, like, 40 times. Quit screwing around.

And, Sonja, enough with the poo poo jokes. My guest today is an actor, director, author, and playwright who's probably left after that intro, who has starred in such movies as The Social Network and Zombieland. Now you can see him in his new movie, A Real Pain, which he also wrote and directed, and it's fantastic. I watched it, and I love it. I'm very excited he's here today.

I'm a big fan of this gentleman. Jesse Eisenberg, welcome. I'm going to quickly recap that I met you many, many, many years ago. Mhmm. You did the squid and the whale.

I think it's the first time I met you. Yeah. You must have been how old were you then?

Would you

I was 21. 21 years old. Yeah.

I just adored you immediately, I think. And then I've mentioned this before, but several days later, 1 of the loveliest notes I've ever handwritten notes I've ever received showed up. I've mentioned this last time, but, and I thought there's something different about this person. He's oozing with, like, character and, and gentility in this kind of old world way. And then you've gone on and you've had this extraordinary career.

Thank you.

And, I'm just, so happy for you.

Thank you

so much. And I feel like just to pat to pat myself on the back, I feel like I called it.

Oh, okay. I

This is about me.

I thought you were gonna say you did it, but you called it. Like, you knew it.

This isn't about it's this is what I'm really good at, pretending it's about, you know, Jesse. Right. Yeah. But then it's about me. Okay.

I called it.

Yes. That's right.

Okay.

I called it. And me, I'm just the horse.

Bluebell came in first.

But I will say, like, just to that point, I remember right after I was so first of all, I grew up watching oh, maybe. Sorry. I mean, I was I grew up, like, obsessed obsessed obsessed with you to the point where, like, literally my mom would sneak out after my dad fell asleep to go into my bedroom to watch your show with me. And,

So your dad is not a fan?

Yeah. No. No.

No. This is how my mind works. That's what you Why did he hate me? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, my new worst enemy, Barry Eisenberg. Barry Eisenberg of his friends of New Jersey. No. But, like, you

know what's even sicker? My immediate thought is he saw the real me. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

That's how

I feel. But, anyway

Yes. He's the only 1 that truly knows. But, anyway, like, after we did the segment on your on your show, you leaned over to me and you said, you seem like such a nice person. And I remember it was so odd because that doesn't seem like 1 of the compliments you get in the entertainment industry. Right.

It doesn't seem like 1 of the boxes you might check. You know? You're a nice person. It gets you nowhere.

Oh, it does. I I mean, it means a lot to me. And, and you've gone on, and I I'll I'll mention this upfront, and we'll we'll talk there's so much I wanna talk about, and we're going to get to this film you made. You I mean, let's let's take it off. You wrote Yes.

Directed. Mhmm. You costar in it with Kieran Culkin and this extraordinary cast. Yeah. You made this film and it's absolutely beautiful.

Thank you so much. And it's got people ranting and raving in

a good way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I've had people ranting and raving in not a good way. It's called a real pain, and we'll talk about that. But I what was special for me was to watch this movie and and see that, oh, you are a consummate artist. You've made this beautiful thing with such aplomb, and it will endure. I always have this connection with you from that time that you sent me that note, and I had that nice first meeting with you.

And then, here you are all these years later, and you're doing extraordinary work, and I'm just so happy for you.

That is so nice of you to say thank you so much. Do you ever root for mean people? So

it's funny. Occasionally Yeah. I you know, Stalin did a lot of bad stuff. Right? No.

No. No. But I was No. No. But I was sometimes I'd be like,

come on. You can do it, Stalin.

You can turn this around. And you were really young at the time.

I was very I'm older than people think. Sure. Sure. I was born in 1911. Do the math.

No. I, I can separate. Mhmm. There are people who do excellent work and are not good people, and I do believe in separating the 2.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You are a a a man who's I think, has real character and you do exceptional work. I like it when the 2 come together, but they don't have to. Got it. Do you know what I mean?

Yes, of course. How many artists can you see, you know, whose work is hanging on the wall and they're you layer you later learn or amazing athletes who were absolutely deplorable human beings.

But

I still applaud their athleticism.

Of course. Perhaps even more so because you don't want them to hurt you. Exactly. You know? Yeah.

McStalin's been dead a long time, and I still talk him up. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think he could still get me. Justin came. He could still get me. It's funny. We probably have a few things in common.

I grew up, with my share of anxiety Mhmm. And hated going to school. Mhmm. I didn't wanna leave my house, but I I I still to this day can remember the the carpool ride from my house on Kennard Road to the dris Michael Driscoll School every second thinking, okay, we're not there yet. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, it just filled with that kind of you, you I like, your mouth tastes like aluminum.

You're you

have so much anxiety. Yes. And, I've later thought, well, I hate to say it, but it probably contributed some things to me.

I know.

And I know that you've have this struggle too. Yeah. I've had many therapists and many people tell me, well, you didn't need that. You'd have been you you didn't and I I don't trust them. No.

You don't. It's like Dumbo's feather. I think I needed that. I don't know where you've come down on all this.

The exact same kind of, confusion as you do and the exact same conversations with therapists, as you've had, I I always think, yeah, there was, like, maybe a parallel universe version of me that was kind of happy, and is an accountant. And so, but, you know, the painful thing is the thing that person told you is, no. You didn't need that, and that's even worse. Yes. You know?

Because then it was just for nothing.

It was a waste of time.

I just feel like we got into jobs that no 1 was asking us ever to do. Like, no 1 wanted you to host a TV show. No 1 asked me to do that. They still retroactively trying to

Still, people are trying to, like, can we delete that 30 years of work? No. But more and more, I think, I'm here out of a weird compulsion that I don't have a control over. And I I I think about you and your anxiety, and you are not the typical, hey. Put that light on me.

Right. Exactly. Because I'm ready to shine. See? I've got a song for you.

But something

Yeah. Pushed this young anxious kid. I mean, I I know that you were so anxious as a child getting on the bus to go to school. Yeah. Yeah.

You would cry. That's right.

And they had to kind of come up. Well, you tell me. Yeah. Yeah.

So no. I would cry well, I cried every day in when I when I got to school, but they they didn't want me to cry on the bus. The bus driver did not want me to cry because I guess it was probably dangerous, for me to be weeping in the back of a huge moving vehicle. But, basically

I don't see why that's a danger. Yeah.

I'm trying

to do the math, and I I don't see how it affects the operation of the vehicle. Oh, no. It could. Yeah. I could see it leak down into the transmission car.

I would use her sleeve as a tissue. But, basically so no. Right. So if, so so she set up this system where if I didn't cry, every day, until Friday, on Friday, she would give out Tootsie Roll Pops to all the kids on the bus if I didn't if I made it through the week without crying on the bus. And so you would hear on Fridays from down the street, windows open on the bus, don't cry, Jesse.

Don't cry, Jesse.

Oh, no. Yes. Oh my god.

This is so sick. You're it's not like the treat's just for you. It's everyone else, which is creating this group thing.

Yes. It's evil. It's the equivalent of if you don't do all the push ups, everybody in this room has to do 10 more.

That's insane. I mean

Yeah.

And giving me ideas No. No. No. No. On how to run a podcast company.

But, oh my god. That is Yeah. Wrong slash kind of ingenious. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

It's all that stuff. Listen. That was her wound, and now she's an artist too, that bus driver.

And an amazing athlete. Yes. Exactly.

And that was her will to power. But, yeah, I was just I was a miserable, miserable kid with good parents. I I feel uncomfortable saying this in public because I don't wanna, like, demonize my well meaning good parent and and good parents. Yeah. I don't know.

I was just, like, wired to be absolutely miserable. And, you know, performing for me was kind of like an outlet, but not like an outlet. Like, I feel myself here. It was more just an outlet to literally just get out of school. Like, if I got into a show, it meant I could leave early from school on various days and rehearse and be with adults, which was the only place at the time I felt like, comfortable.

You have this great quote when playing a role, I would feel more comfortable as you're given a prescribed way of behaving. Yeah. And I thought that is, I understand someone's telling you Yeah. All the anxiety you might have, Jesse, about what am I supposed to say or do in this 1 particular situation. Right.

But if you're in the seagull Yeah. You know, like, no. I'm supposed to enter, and then I'm supposed to leave and shoot myself. Right. Exactly.

This is what I'm supposed to do. Exactly. And there's a calm that might come with that.

Yeah. Exactly. And not only a calm, but, like, cathart catharsis because the characters are emotional. And it's like the thing I feel all the time bubbling under my surface, but it's inappropriate to do in public, you know, to have, like, an emotion or you know? And, also, it's a burden on other people, of course, so I don't emote in public.

But, like, to have that catharsis, you know, is really helpful.

You weren't just drawn to acting, specifically musical theater.

Well, that was, like, the thing that was, like, available. Like, they weren't doing the seagull in, you know, community theater, New Jersey. Mhmm.

You know? They were doing a musical version of it. Yeah. Exactly. To go and commit suicide.

Everybody had jazz wings. But, so, you know, so that's just like what was happening in children's theater at the time where I lived. You know, now I see a wonderful chasm between me and musical theater, in terms of, like, performance style. That's not where

I would shine these days. It's funny because now I'm having this other, like, flashback memory of I don't know if you remember this, Sona, but when we were doing the shows during COVID Yeah. I think you're 1 of the first Yes. People

Yes. That's right.

You may have been you may have been the first guest I talked to. COVID hit. All the shows shut down. Then we all came back, I think, on the same day, and we were doing, virtual virtual interviews, Zoom interviews. And, I think everyone else really had their shit together, and they were talking to guests who were in their home, but with state of the art Zoom.

And, I was very excited that you were gonna be, like, the first guest back. Yeah. Oh, great. We got Jesse Eisenberg. This is gonna be great.

And your family had gotten into a van, and you were just driving across America. That's exactly right. And escape COVID

Yeah.

In a van in America. This doesn't work, by the way. But I remembered you having possibly the worst zoom signal I've ever seen, and this was on television. You could probably look it up and see it. Yeah.

But it looks like I'm talking to it looks like it's 1960 2, and I'm talking to a Russian cosmonaut who's in space. Exactly.

Yuri Gagorian, how are you?

And then it would go out, and then you'd come back in again. Yeah. And, occasionally, I could see, you know, like, your family in the background Yeah. Trying to swat away COVID, and there was a coyote. Exactly right.

It was craziness.

Yes. That wow. Yes. Exactly. No.

I was, like, at a KOA, like a campsite, you know, where we stayed overnight. Right. Right. And the intern the KOA is known for a lot of things, but not the Wi Fi. So, yeah, it was it was pretty bad.

Yeah. Sorry about all that.

Oh, no. No. It hey. I'm remembering it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What I remembered is I those are the things I remember in show business. There have been many, you know, flawless, perfectly executed Technicolor interviews that I'll never remember.

Yeah.

But I just remember you in a baseball cap, and your family trying to outrun Yeah. A virus in a van. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And

Yeah. Luxury short, it caught up with us. Yeah. Caught up with a lot of us. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The only 1 who didn't get it, Sona, who ate garlic. Right?

Yes. I ate garlic. Lots of garlic, lots of lemon. Yeah. But I did eventually get it.

Right. So even garlic can't outrun COVID. Wow.

Not even the root. Garlic.

No. Not even the root. I know. Oh.

But, you know, Gourley, who's not here, has never had it yet. Really? Yeah. He's never had it.

Maybe he's out with COVID right now.

He could be. He could be. And Eduardo never had it up until, like, a month ago.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. I know. Isn't that crazy?

People who are immune to it? Like, actually, like

I have no idea.

I thought I was a mutant.

You yeah. Of course, you must have. And you were around people, right,

who, of course,

had it. He got

real cocky about it, and he said, he kept he was always shouting COVID can never get me. Yeah. Remember? That's right. And if someone had COVID, he would he would grab them and open mouth kiss them.

Right? He got me too at a couple of times for that. Right. True. And then finally, you ordered a hamburger, and

you said put a little extra COVID on it,

and you finally caught it. Got

it. So it was ultimately was your fault. Yeah. Yeah. It's your fault.

No.

In my stories, it's always the other person's right now. Put a little extra COVID on it.

Yeah. Hey. That's what I I said I wanted COVID. I want 2 scoops.

I get real COVID y.

You call this COVID? I gotta ask you. I know you did Zombieland with him, and so I have to ask you about Woody Harrelson because he's an unsolvable mystery to me. And I asked because he, in my little podcast company, he does a podcast, a very good podcast that he does Oh, right.

With Ted Dance.

With Ted Dance, and they do it together in this very room. And, whenever I encounter Woody, I'm I convinced he's not real. I'm convinced he's not a real person in all the best ways. I adore him. I get it.

I love him. There's something he is an icon and, in some ways, like, emblematic of what we think of as, like, a or for me at least, Americana. And Yeah. We we were working together for the last 4 months up until last week. We just finished doing a movie in in, Budapest together.

Now you see me 3. It was our 6th project together, and I still have that feeling that he transcends the species somehow. I don't know. All I the thing I've

It is. He says he's fascinating. He's a fascinating creature.

The the way I've, like, been able to codify him in my mind just recently is the following. He is a truly eccentric artist masquerading as an everyman. Yes. I I really think

I believe that.

He's actually an eccentric artist with very unusual taste, but, like, he's just been embraced. And I think it's not by by by by his own decision or intent, like, by America as, like, the person we can all agree on. Yes.

You know

what I mean?

Yeah. It's like him and Paul Rudd are the people that everyone's agreed. They're we love them. They're great.

Yeah. You know? I think so. Yeah. I and Woody get it.

Woody has a special cultural thing too because he has a Midwestern he has a southern twang and a Midwestern charms. He grew up in Ohio and Texas. And so there's something culturally, I think, also a little confusing because he's also hippie and, you know, he has a weed store down the block here. So there's, like I think there's so many wonderfully contradicting things happening that we all feel he is with us.

And we've, I mean, mentioned it, but it was a big episode here. But, it was, you may not be aware of this that I was here with Ted, and we were waiting on Woody, and they said he's good. He's and then we got this message. Yeah. Woody's running late.

He was in a motorcycle accident. And I was I was saying he was in a motorcycle accident. Let's all rush to the and go make sure he's okay. And they're like, nope. He's just gonna be 15 minutes late.

And he showed up 15 minutes late, and he had gone, like, ass over to kettle, over the hood of a car Right. Not wearing armor. Yeah. And Ted bandaged him, and then we did the podcast. My god.

And I'm and he's like, I'll be alright, man. You know? And I'm like, no. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You're no. What are you doing?

A week later, we were shooting a movie in Budapest. That was, like, right after that. Oh,

was it?

Right after that?

Yeah. I'm also, furious with him Yeah. Because he pulled me aside and said, hey, man. You wanna go 5050 with me on a houseboat in Amsterdam? Oh, yeah.

Like, to co own a houseboat in Amsterdam with Woody Harrelson, I could dine out on that for the rest of my life. And so I said, yes. Yes. And he said, don't you have to talk to your wife? And I said, no.

I'm just saying yes Right now

Yeah.

I don't he said, do you need to see pictures? I said, no. Right. I if you know, if I never see it Of course. I'm gonna tell people, yeah.

Woody Harrelson and I Yeah. Co own a houseboat in Amsterdam. 3 days later, we don't talk. He's taping a podcast right in here, and he's talking to Flea. And on Airy goes,

hey, Flea.

You wanna go half and half on a

and I practically crashed the door down.

Yeah. And I'm like yelling at him. You never intended. He was just laughing in my face.

Okay. To be fair, he doesn't know fractions.

He is sold it's like that con man who sold 1,000,000 halves.

Yeah. You gotta have.

Yeah. All thousand of you.

Now if I could just leave town with this suitcase full of cash

He's he's the music man.

The monorail.

He's the music man. Yeah. Or the monorail. It's Lyle Langley. The yeah.

Exactly. But, 1 of the things I love the most about being in this business is just meeting all these characters, these authentic people. And I just, and, just, to me, that's the price of admission. I mean, I'm it's worth everything. It makes it all worthwhile.

Ask you this, though. Like, how much eccentricity do you think is manufactured by people trying to be interesting?

I think, I think it's less yes. I know what you mean. I think there's eccentricity that's manufactured by celebrities, famous people, whatever you wanna call them, people of note. Mhmm. There's some eccentricity.

I think the the thing that's manufactured the most is difficulty. I think that's what I've noticed

is manufactured.

Purposely manufactured difficulty because it almost creates a sense of importance. Sometimes I think when someone's being very difficult or there's a lot of demands and they have a giant entourage and everything has to be just right, I think this person's unhappy. Mhmm. This person is trying to create something because they don't feel authentic enough. But but but but what

they what they'd be doing would be compromising potentially being liked. And when do those 2 things come into conflict in a way that still makes them demanding? Right?

I mean, I wish I can answer the question. I just have seen it a 1000000 times.

Right. And it always feels like it's coming from the same place of needing to feel externally important because something is missing.

I know that when I was doing the late night show, Bruce Springsteen came to perform and he showed up himself. Right. And he's wearing a flannel shirt. He's hanging out in the hallway. And afterwards, someone bought a case of beer, and we all cracked it open.

We were standing around drinking beer. Like Yeah. Because he didn't need

Yeah. Of course.

Validation. He didn't need that. And then occasionally, there's someone who they're not even the number 1 name on the call sheet or Right. Of the show they're on. That's and there's a lot of demands.

Of course. Yeah. That's always the case. I'd like

to keep the limo afterwards.

Right.

And, I'd also when I get there, this is what the temperature should be.

Right. Of course.

And, to me, that's the pathology of a little bit. That makes

a lot more sense.

Of course. And, when you meet an authentic person, there's something there's a little piece of zinc in our brains as as human Yeah. Humanoids where we know, oh, okay. This person is authentic. This Woody Harrelson guy is not making shit up.

He's real. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Well, some stuff is made up.

Yeah. I mean, the yeah.

The, cell phone tower.

You know? I mean Cell phone tower. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Well, I think he believes it. That's true. He

the truth

is he believes it. Oh my god. What's made up is that he has a houseboat in Amsterdam. That's the bullshit. That doesn't even exist.

What if it's just you and Flea who own this houseboat?

That's what's gonna be.

That's cool too, though. No.

It's not the same. Flea just gonna be doing base scales the whole time really fast. And I'll be like, Jesus. Wait. Yeah.

Do you know another instrument?

Yeah. Wait.

You guys are living in the houseboat? I don't understand why.

The whole point. Yeah. When Jesse and I get a

houseboat, which is gonna happen, Jesse Of course. We're gonna live there together.

Oh. Yeah. If you have the houseboat, why would you not live there all the time even when you have to go visit your families back home? You stay in the houseboat in Amsterdam.

This actually leads me to your film Naturally. Which well, it does. It does. I it leads me to your film because a real pain, costars you and Kieran Culkin as cousins. I saw a trailer first Mhmm.

For I saw the film as often happens. And the second I saw you and Kieran together, I was just, oh, this is gonna be great. Aw. Thanks. Because I adore both of you.

I think you're both fantastic actors, but you also both play very well, different registers. The 2 of you play these cousins who in many ways could not be more different for a movie that has a lot of dark and meaningful subtext. You 2 are so funny and real together. Oh, thanks. It's really beautiful.

Yeah. It's funny because I hadn't, like, really seen his work ever. I mean, really, I I I just had this instinct that there was no 1 else on the planet who could do it. I met him at an audition for this movie, Adventureland. I was already cast in the movie, and he came in to audition for it.

And in the audition, he, like, literally grabbed my nipples and twisted them. It was in the in the script in the script, he was supposed to, like, punch me in the balls. And a lot of actors are coming in, and no 1 touched me that day because there was there was auditions. You know what I mean? And, like, and yet Kieran punched me in the balls and then grabbed my nipples, twisted them, and was so brilliantly funny in the audition that he didn't even get the role.

But he, he he actually actually wasn't cast, but

I remember he left. Cast because he's sexually assaulted. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And when he I did there was a hold. He had to do a little time. He'd go away for a bit.

And Screen Actors Guild, they do take you back after after a after a probatory period. But, anyway, he, no. But, basically, like, he he he left the room, and the director and I turned to each other. I was like, that was unbelievable. This guy is amazing.

And that was, like, in 2009, I think. And, I just had this, image, I think, in my unconscious or this feeling of being around a guy who's so funny, who's so magnetic, and who doesn't kind of give a shit about, at that point, like, being polite or being, like, the obsequious auditioning actor of, like, how you know, so happy to be here, and a guy who just immediately manhandled me. And it's kind of what the movie is. Like, in the movie, I pay for the trip. I have the family.

Let's lay it out for people just because, you know, I I never like to give too much away, but it is a really lovely movie, and, like a tone poem, but also it's a it's a it's a travel story. It's a story of 2 cousins that you're taking this very meaningful trip. Your grandmother Mhmm. Who, in the last story. She survived the camps.

She, in Poland. So you guys are coming back as part of this tour to tour Poland, see some of the sites. You visit a concentration camp, and then you go to see the home where she lived. It is in a kind of Felix and Oscar way. You're so good at being very high strung and trying to hold it all together Right.

And very responsible. And he is so irresponsible in these very funny ways. And I was watching this movie thinking, well, there can be more movies where you 2 I mean, you you can do you you 2 characters can do anything. Yeah. Yeah.

Because it's just gonna be funny, but there's also it's real. It's very meaningful.

That's so nice of you to say. And, actually, the original script was set in Mongolia. I was, like, 30 pages into the script of these 2 guys going to Mongolia to visit an old friend.

You're the new Hope in Crosby. That's the new traveling in the whole movie. Just look it up, kids. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a really good reference. Next

week, we're going to the Orient.

You know? But,

it was basically, like, it was, yeah. That it was and so, like, I had this great dynamic. And then the movie, this Mongolia script was not going well. And this is kinda funny, but, like, the script was not going well. I was 30 pages into the script, and an ad popped up on the Internet for Auschwitz tours and then in parentheses with lunch.

Jesus.

Oh my god. That's what it said. Auschwitz parenthesis with lunch. No. No.

Auschwitz tours. Auschwitz tours. Yeah.

With lunch. Yeah. With lunch.

With I know. I'm getting it.

I know. Should I say

it again?

I can come closer. Yeah. Yeah. So, basically, and I was like, first of all, I knew immediately what the ad was for. I mean Right.

But the implication of what the ad was for, which was just,

you know, you wanna do tours, but Yeah. It's a little tone deaf. Let's let's say you can mention with lunch maybe elsewhere.

Yeah. Maybe put an asterisk there and then address the asterisk after you click the banner. But, basically but what but, actually, what they're appealing to is exactly why the tone deaf why the ad is tone deaf because they're appealing to yuppies who wanna instead of going to Rome this this this holiday, now you're gonna go to Auschwitz. You know? And you're doing your responsible tourism, which is a good thing to do anyway.

But, as soon as I saw that, I chained I took the characters out of Mongolia, and I set them on this Polish trip. But that was really the feeling. It's like you could drop these characters in anywhere in any scene, and it will still be amusing. And so, like, what you said, like, they're going to all of these places fraught with, you know, the history of trauma, and yet the characters have, like, an appealing bond that you can kind of just repeat and and further uncover.

There's also this feeling that we've all had. There are moments in the film where you're meant to feel something. You're not quite feeling it in the same magnitude that you feel you should be feeling it. And I thought that is something we've all experienced Yeah. Where you go to a hallowed space or you're learning about something.

I mean, I'm a history buff, and I've been to many places where very traumatic things happen. And then you're like, well, we're gonna miss the tram if we don't get And, you know, it's very weird.

It's very weird.

It's very weird to lay the 2 on each other.

Yes. I've thought about this so much, not just because of making the movie, but because I do the same kind of tourism. I've been to the Rwandan genocide museum in Kigali and in Cambodia, the, you know, killing fields. I'm fascinated with this kind of tourism. And, yes, there's always the weird part of it.

Like, we have to get lunch on the way there. Do we get bad lunch because bad things happened here?

Right.

Or do we get the lunch we like because we wanna have the energy to tour this place? And it's so weird. So in the movie, the characters are, like, kind of trying to reconcile that disconnect, this necessary disconnect. Like, we're on the train going to a concentration camp, and we have 1st class seats because the, you know, exchange rate in Poland allows for us to have this you know, we're on a yuppie tour of Poland. And, Kieran's character cannot stand the fact that we're in 1st class, but, like, coach is not that much better.

You know what I mean?

No. He goes he's, you know, he's saying our people were put on trains in Poland in this terrible situation to be killed. Right. And here we are 70 years later on a train Right. With really cushy seats Yeah.

Eating this fancy meal in first class. This isn't right, and he goes storming off Yeah. To go to another class. Yeah. And 1 of the characters yells out, it's not gonna be that much worse.

Yeah. The other day. And so to me, the the the beauty of the film is when you can kind of dance on a knife's edge Right. Between the darkness, but also the the humanity that is people are imperfect. We don't always feel exactly what we're supposed to feel.

There's always someone in the room who, if you say, oh my god, there I just bit into this sandwich, and, it's it's it's all it's got mold all over it. This is terrible. Oh, yeah? Well, guess what? Yeah.

Exactly. Some people never got to have a sandwich, and they're dead. And so you can't always pull it. No. I still want the good sandwich.

Right.

Right. Want mold on my sandwich. I'm sorry that someone else didn't get a sandwich 800 years ago. But goddamn it. I want the good 1.

Yes. But, also, what if you did also have this kind of residual guilt that other people didn't have the sandwich and your moldy sandwich is not something to even have pity for?

You You know what I mean?

Like, there there could be a version of you that goes like, oh my god. Yeah. You're right. I'm feeling bad over something I haven't earned. You know?

Yes. Not that that's a good feeling to have.

But I think I had a similar you know, your movie is about because this is based on something you've done. You and your wife, your family have taken trips. Poland is very important to you. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, my family telling you.

I'm not asking you. I'm just telling you that Poland is important

to you.

Are there any other countries I should look into as being important?

You're also into Guam. Okay.

Okay. So protectorates. Yes. Yeah.

Man, you're chalking up the points left and right. Yeah. But, I mean, I I I know that that's something that this is reflects part of your life.

Yeah. Exactly. Like, the house we filmed the movie at, but at the characters wind up at at the end of the movie is the house my family lived in up until 1939. And, yeah, my wife and I kind of took this trip, but not on, like, a guided tour and went to all these cities. And all the stories that the characters tell are basically just stories from my family.

I just, you know, insert them in these kind of, you know, fictionalized ways.

Are you is it right that you're trying to get Polish citizenship?

I have a Social Security number in Poland, but I

don't have my passport now?

Yes. 17, and then the rest are Polish characters, so it doesn't translate. It's 17zwzwczw.

Yeah. Scammers, try and use that.

Yeah. But I haven't got my passport. I was supposed to get my passport on Wednesday at the next Wednesday, like, in several days a few days from now at the Polish Embassy in DC, and then I was just emailed last night. You're not getting it there. And so I don't know.

I've been, like, chasing this thing for a while.

But I be so cool to have a Yeah. I I can I have some envy here because I, my I'm a 100% Irish? Right. And, but, the rule is your I think your grandfather had to have been from Ireland. Right.

And it's my great grandfather, so I do not qualify. But, I've always thought, wouldn't it be amazing to have an Irish passport? Yeah. Because I could I could flee, if there's any yeah. And I could, escape from my crimes, my heinous crimes.

Okay. And Don't

go anywhere.

What's that? Don't don't go anywhere. Stick around?

Yeah. I like this job.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. Go get go get another Conan O'Brien.

There's always another Conan O'Brien.

Could do it remotely. Exactly. Yeah. Ireland has many wonderful studios.

In a van just like you. Yeah. Exactly. But I had the experience of going back to Ireland to shoot a show this travel show we did, for Max. Mhmm.

And, you know, we're I'm doing shooting a lot of comedy and a lot of very silly stuff. And then there was 1 part where this, woman took me to the actual plot of land that my Oh, wow. That my great grandfather lived on. And I get there, and I'm looking at this beautiful view. Yeah.

Gorgeous view of the Gobley Mountains and, like, the ice in my heart started to melt. Really? Yeah. I did. I felt very and I said to her, I said, god, look at this view, and this is where he lives.

She said, yeah. They lived in a the shack is gone now, but this is where they lived. And I've looked at the records and it would have been basically 1 or 2 rooms and they lived here. And, and I'm looking at it and feeling very emotional. And I said, well, this so beautiful here because it was absolutely gorgeous.

So it was like an Irish spring ad. You know, it was just a gorgeous, you know, leprechaun Ireland in mountains in the distance. And foolishly, I said to the woman, why did they, why why did he leave? Yeah. And, you know, and she said, because you can't eat The View.

Oh. 0 my god. She's and

it was There's the tagline for Ireland. I know.

But, I mean, it was very powerful. Yeah. They had there was not enough food. They didn't you know? And she's she's like, yeah.

There are good that's beautiful mountains. You can't eat the fecking mountains. You they had

to go that

in a little No. Well, I added fecking. Okay. Got it. I'm making her more

of a character now.

You fancy, sefecan mountains, Kenya. And then there was a burst of smoke,

and she turned into a bat. Jesus.

Yeah. And she went

and, That's pretty amazing. Yeah.

But were

you surprised that the feeling snuck up on you? Yes.

I was. Whenever I have any kind of emotion, I am shocked and dismayed.

Was it something specific? Like, did you think, oh, that man would have looked at this view? Yes. I was thinking that man

would have looked at this. He had to go. I also knew very sad things about him. He he, back then, there was no going back. There was no writing to people.

There was no I mean, a lot of people left. They went to America. My people went to central Massachusetts to farm country and started again. But this relative of mine who left, struggled with alcoholism, and it was a real problem for him. And, and just when people have said to me, oh, are you in touch with the people back home in Ireland?

Well, no. There was no keeping in touch with anybody. Right. They just went you know, it was very dark.

Yeah. It

was a very, and and so, anyway, I your story, your movie had some resonance for me as it would for I mean, I think so many people, so many of us Mhmm. Are immigrants. We're all immigrants. And, it's much discussed in the news now, but all of us have that's all of us have moved on. All of us have come here, and we're all curious about where we came from.

And it does sneak up on you. It gets it gets emotional in a strange way.

I had, like, a similar experience to you. You I'm, like, really always on the edge of emotions, and maybe you're not. And so I think I had almost, like, the, X-ray inverse of your experience.

Mhmm.

I went to this house. Again, we filmed this movie there, but 2008, my wife and I went to this house that my family was from.

And it's the it's the house that I've seen Exactly.

In the movie. Yeah. Yeah. And, with a view you could eat. And

Mountains made of meatballs. A pastrami volcano. Come to Poland.

A view you can eat. Not like Ireland, we and not the not the

It is.

It basically is candy land.

Yeah. Not those Oh, it's not a gumdrop mountain. Not those gross views. Look at all those in inedible view. Anyway, nonetheless, there's,

Poland, better than Ireland in terms

of the views you can eat. But, basically, like so my wife and I went to this house, and I knew so much about the house. And, forgive me for, like, taking this in

That's okay. Go for it.

Like, forgive me for taking this in, like, kind of, like, a, you know, bleak direction. But, you know, what happened in the house was, like, my family owned this dry goods store on the corner of this, of this, town square in in this nice very nice town in Poland, and they were friends with the Poles. I I mean, I know this from because I'm I they are survivors. They were really good, well liked in the town. And in 1939, they were taken out of their house.

They were taken to the cemetery, which is, like, 2 blocks away, and they were shot, like, point blank. And then my my you know, we actually parked our trailers when we were shooting there outside the cemetery. So this whole town was kind of fraught with not only memories that, I had let me put it this way. In 2008, I went to this house, and I expected to have very much the experience you just described that I would be overwhelmed with this feeling of catharsis and a kind of, like, immediately, you know, resonant feeling of connection. And, I really didn't.

And what was interesting, like, about that strange disconnect for me was, like, I just had this feeling of, like, oh, yeah. We don't belong here anymore. Mhmm. You know? And, that was kinda depressing.

And, like, I was standing up there for a while, like, with my wife, and then we're just basically loitering, you know, in front of this building in this town square. And I just had this feeling of, oh, right. None of us are here anymore. And then I had this other weird feeling is when I was going into that town, I guess I assumed I would see people that look like me, and I didn't. And, you know, there are no Jews left in the town.

Yeah. And so it was this weird thing. It was an emptiness I was left with, not the catharsis that I was expecting to have.

Well, it's always difficult to feel the pressure to have an emotion Mhmm. Because that's not how it's supposed to work. That's true. And, this is reminding me, I've shot a bunch of shows around the world because I'm just very fascinated. I I, you know, have a real wanderlust, and I I loved my talk show days, but I was always very jealous Mhmm.

When someone like you would sit down next to me. And, you know, next to, you know, Jesse Eisenberg. And, Jesse, how are you? Well, I'm good. I just got back from Budapest where I was

with it.

And I would think I've never been there. Wow. And I have to be in this seat. I get to. I loved it.

So the minute I started to invent this way to go to these different countries, and 1 of the countries that we went to was Armenia.

Mhmm.

And Sona came with me and we were shooting all this very fun stuff in Armenia and, silly things. And you and I are dressing up as shepherds, and Yeah. We're in fields, and we're we're you know? So we were shooting all this stuff, and then, we went to

We went to the genocide memorial.

Genocide memorial, and suddenly I mean, we're not idiots. I didn't go thinking, oh, that's something fun. You know? Yeah.

Go get some good comedy.

I'm not a monster. Hey. Why am

I feeling these feelings?

Why is

this water coming out of my face?

But but we went there, and it was well, you take it.

Oh, it was heavy. It was really heavy.

I mean, I'd I'd never been to Armenia. I am Armenian. 0, 0, 0.

I felt a lot of what Conan was saying about how you get there. I was crying the entire time I was there, I feel like. But then I saw my dad's village engraved in the in the in the wall of all the villages that were affected by the genocide, and I it's like I instantly just felt some kind of connection to my grandparents. It was, like, I'm feeling emotional talking about it now. It's it was amazing.

It was 1 of probably the most, like, heart wrenching moments of my life.

Were you also not expecting

I wasn't. I was not expecting to feel that overwhelmed about it. Mhmm.

I don't know. I mean, I

think that something just, like, got very triggered in me, and it was you you suddenly feel very connected to your past.

Exactly.

Yeah. It puts it puts everything into a very different perspective.

Also, I I always have I I don't know if you felt this or you felt that, but I I'm so lucky to be here. Of course. That's the feeling I have.

Of course.

We're lucky. We're lucky.

That yes.

Yeah.

That I'm enraged by people. We live in this world where, you know, we're in this business. We're extremely fortunate. And the thing that really angers me is when when people act entitled. I just it makes me insane, except when I do it.

Yeah. Of course. But no. I I get very angry at entitlement. I profoundly understand that I'm here Mhmm.

Because a lot of Of course. People, you know, this relative of mine, and it's not that long ago, late 19th century, said I gotta go Mhmm. And walked out of that town, made it to Central Massachusetts. And there's all these other people that come after that that don't get 1 1,000,000,000th of my, opportunities. Exactly.

And then I'm here Mhmm. And standing on millions of shoulders. You know? And then so that's the feeling I have, and I I I do think without getting overtly political, people forget that.

Mhmm.

People think I'm here because I made this happen.

Of course. And I

think I no. I didn't I've made some things happen in my life. Right.

But in the context of opportunity.

In the context of amazing opportunities that everyone else provided for me.

I do especially. No.

I'm kidding. Okay. Alright. Eisenberg. Okay.

I don't know what it's like to be blessed with talent, but I did what I had to do. But, no, it's like it's, it's it's such a you know, going back to this film you made is about a lot. It's it's interesting. It's a it's a very lovely film that's a very and it sounds crazy. It's very enjoyable to watch.

It's a really good movie, and it's beautifully scored, and it's beautifully directed. And you guys are terrific actors, and it's got so much lightness in it, and it's got, obviously it has some, some heaviness in it as well, but it's, You know, it's about, it's about so much and it's not, and it's, it's not overt in that way, but it's just, it's 1 of those films where I watched it, and I just thought, okay. I have this is making me feel all kinds of stuff in a very good way. Oh, that's so nice. I'm unfeeling, man.

Yeah. That's a lot.

That you've had any experience of sentience watching

it's in. It is

just the goal.

Why do I invite you back? I don't understand. I think I like the punishment. Don't you? I really do.

I think

you do.

I really like it. Grounding.

Yeah. It is. Yeah. I need grounding.

Yeah.

Yes. You need some humility.

I do. Exactly.

I've been sent in here by your wife.

I saw on our AmEx bill a $200,000 charge Yeah. For for it said Aisenberg Therapy. I didn't know

It's a speaking fee. I'm treating this like a state college.

Well, listen. I congratulations on a real pain. And and this is not just me. Everybody is talking about this film, and I know it's award season, but, people are abuzz about this film and rightly so. And congratulations.

And, and also just, you know, I'm I'm very proud to know you. I I I no. I really do. I'm I'm proud to know you. You have a lot of character, and, I know you're tough on yourself, and, you're a real human being, which doesn't always happen in this town.

And, so just a joy to have you here.

Thank you so much. That's so nice of you to say. Thank you for always being supportive of me.

But we're gonna edit the all this out. Sure. Okay. And then Yeah. Yeah.

We're gonna add it in once you leave Yeah. Yeah. I stay for an hour, and it's just Eisenberg zingers.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

And then we and then we we tape in you going, oh. Well,

I can't keep up. I can't keep

up when it's cold night.

Yeah. And I'm like, yeah. Another thing, Eisenberg. You know? Sing.

Sing. Sing. Sing. Sing. And so

I got me.

How did he know?

He's probably the funniest guy I've ever met.

Hey. Why does he sound like Jimmy Stewart?

I don't know. You only bought the Jimmy Stewart AI voice. We all just get what you are.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I

made this movie. It's it's called a real pain.

And it's

like, I I go back to I went up Poland,

you see. Yeah.

Yeah. Man, Conan, you're the funniest funniest character I've ever met, and I I swear to god

I've met them all. Yeah.

I just love the idea that Jimmy Stewart's from anywhere like Poland.

Yeah. My people, we had a, you

know, had a late A

shtetl. Yeah.

We're in a shtetl. You gotta be borscht on

you. I I

like a borscht. Mister Smith goes to cross the stuff. God bless you.

You too.

Jesse Eisenberg. Man Thanks a lot.

Sona, recently, you met someone out in the wild, and I think that's about to lead us into an interesting journey.

I need to talk about what happened to me on Saturday because I hosted all day, and it was so much fun. I hosted the Pasadena Armenian Festival.

Oh, wow.

Oh, god. No.

No. I'm no. I was just curious. Oh. I was just curious who they got after I turned them down.

And then I turned them down.

Yeah. Oh, then you?

Yeah. They called me, and I was like, well, I can't do it. And then Gourley was like, no. Thanks, which was really rude. No.

Thanks. I had a legitimate excuse. So wait a minute. This is exciting. What happened?

I had posted it up on Instagram that I was gonna be at this thing to just kind of help promote it, and I had a few of our fans who aren't even Armenian come to the festival to come meet me.

Oh, that's cool.

Which was honestly really cool. I I

So these are non Armenians coming to an Armenian festival.

Yes. Wow.

And,

and, see, what did I tell you long ago? We I have no idea. Unify people. Oh, okay. We bring people together.

Okay. Just say yes. You're right.

Sure. Yeah.

K. Yes. You're right.

Oh, Saba. Love it. Hey. She live

in existence there because the country seems pretty unified. Yeah.

I brought us together.

So can I can I give a shout out to a couple people who came?

Sure.

Dan his Daniel came with his girlfriend, Michelle.

Mhmm. Daniel's a fan. Michelle doesn't listen, so we could just forget Michelle.

Well, then what the fuck did you bring her up for? What's wrong with her?

If he's listening, what is she doing? Just plugging her ears?

And then Mary Anne and Dean came. This so they came all the way from, I think, the Midwest. They they drove all the way

out there. Didn't.

Not for me specifically. They came for something else, but then I was like

a stop. So I'm just gonna tell myself it was for for me. No. No. They didn't drive from the Midwest to go to an Armenian festival.

No. They didn't. But they they did. Let's just say they did. But they oh, so Dean and Marianne, I met them.

They're lovely people. Dean, I find out, writes fan fiction about you. He writes he writes it about a lot of things, but he also writes a lot of Conan O'Brien specific fan fiction.

Wow. I'm not I have to say, I am not familiar with the genre of fan fiction. I've heard about it, but I'm not familiar with what it actually entails. So he's writing fictitious things that happened to me. But you're

leaving out a major descriptor. Okay.

It's explicit.

It's erotic fan fiction.

It's erotic it's erotic fan.

That doesn't surprise me.

Oh, it it I am an erotic

I am an erotic character. I'm a I I ex

Neurotic? You're thinking neurotic.

Oh. Aren't they the same? Yeah. I, I think I I exude a sexuality.

It's funny you say that because I was like, really, Conan? And I'm like, he's just you know, he's very he's like he I was like you know, I was talking to Dean and Mary Anne, and I said, he's just a very kind of repressed got this repressed Catholic energy. And he said a lot of the fan fiction that he writes comes from you, like, coming out of your repression. Breaking out.

Breaking out of your repression. See, this guy gets me. His name is Dean.

Yes.

Okay. Let me tell you something. When someone's repressed, if anything, it means there's more sexual energy because it's trapped. It is. I guess.

You're right.

You're right.

So when you say, like, I never think of you as you're so repressed. Yes.

Yes. A volcano just before it blows, shooting its hot lava. Oh, gross.

God. Come on. Oh, god. No. Uh-oh.

I now I'm thinking I know what Gourley's up to because he's looking at his phone. Yeah. And he's either either there's a 19 forties hat sale in the area.

My erotic

fixation. Yeah. Oh, wow. Hamburg. Yeah.

I'm I mean, I I looked at

just the descriptions. I've said pass. I can't do it.

I'm gonna take us through some of these. For instance, here's 1. Okay. This is a short introduction, but there's a ton of tags on this, like nipple licking.

Oh, god.

Not looking for constructive criticism, smut, porn with feelings, blowjobs. Mhmm. Okay. Here it is. Receiving an autograph and a hug from her giant ginger idol following a live taping of Conan O'Brien needs a friend Mhmm.

Would have been more than enough for Lily. But after he waves goodbye to the crowd, she realized Conan left a lot more than his signature behind. What does that mean?

You know what? So you never read I love fan fiction.

But what

does that mean? I think

you jizzed on the autograph here.

I do. I think he, like, left her his info, and then they had, like, a Yeah. After the

What are you talking about? I

she's supposed to

code his DNA.

You said you

thought he

was just on You're going down an awful road. I am meeting these people at their level.

Let me remind you of some of these tags.

First of

all, this is not fiction. I remember Lily.

Teasing, dirty talk, blowjobs, face

Wait. Wait. Wait. This

is read this style.

Click on any of these, and it will lead to something about me in that scenario

or no?

Just tons and tons of these

He's he's got his his the website is can I just say the website so people can go read it? The website

help this guy.

The website is called archive of our own dot org, and he's drh paints. And he's got a lot of Conan specific fan fiction.

Okay.

I do think And

it's erotica.

It's it's it's a lot of erotica, and it's very explicit because that's the fun part about fan fiction.

Recently engaged, Conan enjoys a low key celebration with fiance Natasha at a Red Sox game where they get frisky in 1 of the VIP suites.

Yes. It's

just A a bunch of things here. I am married. Her name's not Natasha. And I've never been invited to a Red Sox VIP suite, nor nor would I the Affleck's are always in there. Yeah.

After an aggravating day alongside detective Terry Seattle, when asked a question another of captivating Keith's former assistants, Conan finds the enchanting Eden has more than a few tricks up her sleeve.

This is fun stuff.

I'm

And I think it's very flattering. I mean, like, you know, there was an entire movie series, the after movie series that was based on fan fiction written about Harry Styles.

Right.

Like, it's I just Do you

think there's movie material here?

I'm just saying. I'm like I I just think it's very flattering when people choose you as, like, a main character in any sort of literary kind of take they have on anything.

This might be 1 of the best things that that's ever happened to me. Oh, I don't know. Okay. Maybe went too far.

Yeah. After getting a taste of the submissive lifestyle while filming Conan Without Borders in Berlin, Conan seeks out dominatrix miss Andrea to fulfill his fantasies.

You know what? This person knows her stuff. Oh, yeah. We've we've talked about that. Shot a dominatrix segment, in Berlin, and, I'm still in pain from it.

Oh, I see. These are lead ins to the full. You have to kinda click through to get to the

whole story. These are just the beginning. You're leading just the these are just the

Here's a good 1. Conan attends his 40th high school reunion where he finds out Lolly, a fellow former student turned Brookline history teacher, secretly pined after him in their youth. Oh, god. Wait. So not too late.

It is too late. It's way too late. It should be called way too late. Their hips clicked as they entwined. Eventually, his skin hurts, said Conan.

What was that,

said his sexual partner? I can't hear you because of my oldness. Ow. It hurts. Conan yelled, peeing pure blood into the toilet.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

No. Lolli nodded. Eyeliner making her gaze appear smoky yet skittish. Yeah. Yeah.

That sounds great. Conan's tongue wet his lips. My hotel

Wet lips. Undone. Wet lips. I can't

I can't I can't I can't read it.

No. No. This is terrible.

Can't hear it.

Hold on. We gotta

this is getting good.

But I'm glad someone is finally seeing me as a sexual being

Oh.

Because I've been ignored too long in that category, and that's just what a sexual person would say

For far too

long, my sexuality has not been seen, said the dynamo, the Lothario. Oh my god. Oh my god.

No. But, Matt, if

you keep

reading it, I'm gonna burn this entire building down to the ground.

I can't do it. Stalling at

her clavicle. Conan

my god. Conan Rose.

It's At my wait. Say it again.

Mouth stalling at her clavicle.

What does that mean? Stalling. You're working your mouth.

Working your way.

Oh, I should read the line before

I hear.

Okay. Here we go. Unsure pre

I'm always unsure in these situations.

What's happening?

Unsure precisely when Conan sprang her breasts free. Mouth stalling at her clavicle. Conan rose. Eyes and ocean churning with uncertainty and craving. Okay.

Can we stop? Excuse me, ma'am. Yo. How rough do you like it? No blinking.

Exhalations audible. Lolli studied him in silence. Features set. I want to oh, I came.

Can I just say 1 thing that Stop? I can't say 1 after Stop now. Wanted stop. Can I

always can I say

you in the fucking place? Thing? I always pause at the clavicle. Do you that's your move? That's your signature move?

My signature move is the clavicle pause.

Oh my

god. This is epic. You guys I'm not gonna read. I'm just gonna

have to

stop. I'm gonna fucking punch her face.

You keep saying it. Just shut

it. Literally cannot stop

it. Matt, you've you've turned on.

Shut up.

He's getting turned on.

Look. I didn't know you had a fork today.

Okay. As far as

I say, it's more of a sport. Needs to stop now.

I'm just saying this gets

It's a fork. Yeah. High release.

Fork and a spoon. It's good for if you want yogurt after salad. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. You I'm stopping you.

You've got

I'm not starting me. I'm not

gonna read this. This stuff is

Well, then stop. You're keeps I I You keep do scrolling through it.

Out loud. I wanna know what's going on.

Just put it down. Man, hey. Step away from the phone.

Command of your faculties.

I need to I need to leave. I quit. I have to quit right now.

Oh, wow. You've brought this up.

I'm done now.

You gave this person a forum. Yeah. I know. And also

he was really nice, and his girlfriend was really nice. And I thought, hey. This is fun.

You know what? It's nice to be appreciated. Let's put it that way.

Okay.

And Can you guys just be quiet? I'm trying to read.

Oh, god. Okay. I'm I'm gonna end the segment.

Yes.

But, thank I'm glad that you hosted the Armenian ma ma ma event.

It's Pasadena Armenian festival.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

It was a lovely day.

Yeah. It sounds like these people really care about your culture. Soon as there, we can read her our smut. Well, anyway, thanks for caring and for sharing to our fans. Put that down.

Put the phone down. I I wanna hear the phone. Little page turner. Oh, god.

Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sona Mufsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista, and Brit Khan.

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