Transcript of Josh Brolin

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Hi, my name is Josh Brolin, and I feel so Don Chetel about being on Connie, a Brian's friend. I don't even know what that means. What does it mean? Who knows? Badass, horny.

You feel horny? Nice.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandish Hey there.

Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We have a wonderful podcast today, joined, as always, by Sona Moussassian and Matt Gourley, I believe.

I'm not even sure myself.

Sona, this has got to be a big day for you. It is. Because, and we rarely do this, we rarely talk about the guest, but this guest is one of the stars of a movie which has become, over time, the citizen cane of your generation.

It defined a generation.

Don't scream. I'm sorry. We're all in the same room. Jesus Christ.

Blaze not here. I'm compensating. When you say the Citizen Cane, I don't know.

You don't even know what I'm talking about. Citizen Cane was a movie with Orson Welles. I know what you're talking Okay.

That is very insulting. I know.

I don't think you know about things.

I think he said it to insult you. Oh, okay.

I meant to insult you.

I know what Citizen Kane is. Okay. But you know what? It's just such a beloved movie.

It surprised me. I'm just going to tell you, the movie, it skipped me because I was a little too old. When I say a little too old, way too old. The movie came out, I believe, in 1985 or 1986. Was it? Was it? 85, I think. 85. I'm just getting My career started out in LA and with my writing partner, Greg Daniels. I remember the two of us... What's that? Name dropper. Name dropper. Yes. Well, he's a big deal. I'm very happy for his success, and someday I'll have some, too. But the point is, Greg and I, I remember this movie came out, The Goonies, which was a big deal. We went to Westwood and we watched it, and it was like a movie for kids. Greg and I were sitting there and we were like, Okay, well, I guess that's a fun movie for kids. I remember being very annoyed that all the kids talk over each other. I know. Also, and I'm sorry, the kids call gold rich stuff. Kids know the word gold.

They just do. Your criticisms of this movie are so tiny, teeny, tiny.

I've never I wanted a movie to have more of a dividing line on whether you love it or hate it. It's all due to age.

Yes. It is. It's all age. You just don't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I'll be honest with you, I didn't get it. So flash forward all these years and you start working with me and blah, blah, blah, Then at one point, I remember we were working at Warner Brothers Studio together and someone mentioned, oh, Goonies was shot in this studio where we make our TBS show. You were like a nun that had seen the Holy Room of Christ. You exploded. I mean, bats flew out of you. There was an explosion. Light came down. I heard- Yeah. I heard Romanian songs that haven't been heard for thousands of years. You went nuts, and you were like, Where's the spot? Where's the spot where they stood? Do you think that he stood here? Do you think that... And I didn't understand. Our guest today, Josh Brolin, of course, one of the stars of that film. It's amazing. I mean, it's- Not a Goonie from the beginning. No. He becomes... Explain, because I don't know the movie. I lost track.

I know they- Yeah, he's Mikey's brother, who is the main kid in it. He's played by Sean Aston. Sean Aston, yeah. Yeah, he's his brother. Then they all become Goonies. He's a cool kid. Yeah, he's like the Jock.

Are you nervous today?

I am, because he's also Thanos.

What do you revere more? Do you revere him For his Goonies role or for Thanos?

Goonies.

Okay, what's your problem? He's Thanos. What? Thanos.

That's who he's become. And Sicario and- Oh, Sicario.

Sicario's King. Yeah. Okay. I don't know.

Don't Can you have a movie that you think about from your childhood that you watch it and you're like, Yes, this always makes me happy. That's the Goonies for me. You have to have something, like some emotion for something. Yeah, Heidi.

She has super strength.

You're thinking of Pippie Longstocking.

Oh, Pippie Longstocking. Oh, fuck. Let's do it again. Heidi. Oh, no. It's too good.

No, I can't.

Fuck, I got the wrong one. Oh, man. I was thinking Pippie Longstocking. I remembered seeing an ad. There was a terrible Pippie Longstocking movie that came out in the mid '70s. I'm staying at my grandparents house.

Take it easy. Okay.

I'm staying at my... I mean, it was made in... Where was it made? Sweden. Okay. This is getting dicey. All I remember is my grandparents had this crappy little black and white TV that got no reception. We're down in Ms. Quamica, Rhode Island, staying at my grandparents' little cottage. My brothers and I are crowded around, and they kept playing over and over again this ad for, Come see the new movie, Pippie Long stalking. It It's weird, and you could tell the voices were dubbed badly, right? Yeah, they're very badly. There's a part where this awkward-looking girl with pigtails who looked a lot like me at the time, lifts a horse over her head. Old Man.

What's that? Old Man is the name of the horse.

Oh, fuck. What is your problem? You're not hoping the conversational flow.

Or your coolness factor.

I'm not after coolness.

I'm after- Veracity. I'm after hard facts. Pippie, like any good journalist, Pippy lifts the horse over her head Okay? The special effect is terrible. No, it's not. It's pretty good for the time. Anyway, she listed over her head, and then they cut a Swedish boy who's got red cheeks and some chocolate on his mouth. I'll never forget, it's so badly dubbed, and he goes, Peepee, are you crazy?

See?

That's quality. That burned into my brain. Peepee, are you crazy? That whole summer of 1974 on Crandall Avenue in Ms. Quamicut, Rhode Island, I would walk around looking not unlike Pippie and going, Pippie, are you crazy? Until I was beaten by my brothers, and rightfully so. I would have beaten you. God, what a terrible-looking movie. Anyway, we got off track, but it was The Goonies of its Day. That was The Goonies before The Goonies. You think so? No, I don't. I'm just being a dick.

I was a big Goonies fan as well, and I'll give you one guess to which my favorite Goonie was, the one that had all the secret inventions?

Data. Yes, exactly.

So much so that when I was in junior high, I took a little travel soap dish that could open and close and made a belt buckle out of it and put a little motor with a clock cog in it. Oh, my God. That would pop out like a saw blade.

I have one question. How much did I get late? No, I just need a number. No, mine is how many times were you stabbed in school?

Well, none because I was defended by a belt You made a...

Data, he's the guy that has these weird devices that come out of his raincoat.

And plays the James Bond music when he enters the movie. I mean, come on. And he's played by Short Round from Templar Mune, Key Kwan.

I was going to say, was this before or after?

It's after.

So you already were like, Yeah, I love this guy. Yana Jones. Then you saw him in the Goonies. You were like, Oh, my God, Short Round.

Then I went to Junior High, popped open my plastic soap dish.

Oh, my God.

I'll tell you what, though.

I'm not even joking. Normally, I would self-deprecate. I was cock of the walk that day. Let me tell you something. Every kid was lining up to see that soap dish saw blade, and I walked out of there with my head held high.

I was cock of the walk. I love that. That hasn't been said. I'm getting it right now. Here it is. Hasn't been said since 1934. Franklin Roosevelt, after a fireside chat, turned to Eleanor and said, I'm Cough of the Walk now.

People have said that before.

Oh, yeah, that Cough of the Walk. That Cock of the Walk is a... Oh, that was a big thing.

Cock like the rooster cock or cock like dick cock?

No, no, no. Jesus. Why do you always have to drag everything out on the gutter? It's me.

I don't always do that. I'm just saying you say cock of the walk. When I hear cock, it's the first thing I think of is a penis. I'm sorry. It's a penis.

When you hear light bulb, the first thing you think of is cock. Oh, my God. What is that? Marzapan? Did someone say cock? Yeah, rap, please. Nope. I want to do more of these. Cock it up. I'm Tony's therapist. I'm going to hold some images up to you. Here's one, cock. Here's another one, dick. Here's one, scrote.

Most of the people who heard him say cock of the walk thought what I thought, by the way.

I don't know. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. No? No, no one here. Fuck, everybody. Okay. Yeah. I just love- You got burned. You got burned.

I thought Eduardo would be on my side, but I thought- When I say I'm wearing a turtle a turtle neck dicky.

Do you think dick? What is a turtle neck dicky? A turtle neck dicky is like a thing that people- I've never heard of that. It looks like you're wearing a turtle neck, but you're not. It only goes this far, and you put it under your... We'll cut this part. It's not as good as what we just had. Cockaro. Okay. We always elevate, and then we get back into the mud. Actually, we never elevate. No. I know.

What are you- All right, for what? Let's get into it. What podcast do you think you're on? The rest is history. In the dirt.

My guest today is an actor who is starred in movies like... Oh, I love it. In his credits, it doesn't say the one movie that Sona loves. My guest today is an actor who has started in movies like No Country for Old Men and Avengers Endgame. And The Goonies. It doesn't say that. Thrashing.

You don't have to read what it says, you could say The Goonies, too.

No, it doesn't say it here. He now has a new memoir titled... And guess what? I've read this book, and it is beautiful and is very powerful. I can't say enough good about this book. I'm being very sincere. It's a It's a lovely testament. This gentleman has written about his very unusual life. It's very cool. It's titled From Under the Truck. I'm thrilled. He's here today. From the Coonies. Josh Brogan, welcome. I think you're excited to see me.

I am excited. I'm really excited. The first time I went on your show was for Flirting with Disaster. I think, which I'm much less nervous now. I still get nervous, but not really. I don't care as much now. But back then, I told a story about how my dad's so good-looking that I told him I wanted to have sex with him or something like that, and nobody got it. I still think it's funny. It is funny. It is funny because it's your dad. Of course, you don't want to have sex with your dad. Somebody that's that good-looking, even the son would want to have sex with him. Every angle I look at it from, it's still funny. And literally, you and I were like, you went, and I looked out and everybody was like, nothing. You know what?

It was a different time. It was a different time. It was a different time, and you were way ahead of the curve. That wasn't on you. That was on that audience that night. It was a bad audience. I remember them fuckers.

Or they didn't give a fuck what I had to say.

I'm going to start because I have to say this right away, and I'm going to address my cohorts here. Mr. Brolin here, Josh Brolin, has written a book, and I told him this backstage, and I want to say it right here, right now. Many celebrities write a book or known people write a book, and you look at it and you go, Okay, they cranked this out. This is a beautiful book. This is a really beautiful book.

What are you doing? I'm just video recording it.

We're recording this the whole time. He has a YouTube channel right here now.

No, I don't. I won't use this for anybody other than my own ego.

Okay, there you go. This is a gorgeous book, and it's really powerful, and it is brilliant. Brilliantly written. I read this thing and I thought there was so much in it that I did not know about you. It's fantastic. It's great. It's called Josh Burland, A Memoir from Under the Truck. I didn't know all this stuff about you. You jump around in time. You talk a lot about the different experiences you had on different projects, and there's a lot to talk about here. But the thread that runs through this whole thing is your mom. It is very stuff. Man, is she a character?

She is a character. She was a character, is a character, continues to be a character.

It's so interesting because one of my favorite movies of all time, and I think I've probably told you this hundreds of times, odd nauseam, but No Country for Old Men, is one of my all-time favorite movies, and your performance in it, and Javiar's performance in it. Incredible. But I watched that movie again and again and again and marvel at it. When I never realized is that your character, Llewellyn, is much closer to you and the way you grew up than I ever knew, which is fascinating. In what way?

In what way did you mean?

Well, you grew up.

I mean- You made ranch and all that stuff. Yeah.

First of all, your life, and there are so many passages in this book where you're taking care of animals, you're living on a ranch, you're living in this incredibly rural environment. You've got this life that was much manlier than I've ever experienced. I'm sorry. I had a butterfly neck. Occasionally, I'd go outside with my butterfly neck. Then my mother would say, Get back inside. The sun's out. But your mom, let's talk about your mom because she runs through this book and she died very tragically I believe 1995 is when you lost your mom, but she jumps off the page, and it's very unconventional. She's not a conventional mom in any way. You guys are drinking buddies, pretty much at an early age.

I think I say it in one of the chapters, if you will, which we decided toward the tail end of this to put in chapters to make it followable or just stories that you could note and go back to. But there's one that I I can't remember exactly what it says, but it says something like I was created in her likeness to be a drinker. Do you know what I mean? It was like a surrogate husband, so to speak. My dad was extremely... They got married in 12 days after seven days. I think after five... No, it was seven days. They sat down, they had a scorpion drink, one of those massive cups between them. My dad was reeling from a I had a recent breakup, and my mom, with her voice, that Texan voice, they were drinking it up, and she looked up and she goes, Well. My dad's like, Yeah. She goes, Are we going to do it or what? He was like, Do what? She said, Get married. Are we going to do it? He got so perplexed and confused and nervous that he just said, Yeah, I guess. She said, Okay.

She started planning it at that moment. Wow. Five days later, they were married.

Of course, your dad, very well-known actor, James Brolin.Super handsome.Super handsome. I mean, I'd fuck him. Yes, full circle. Now it's work. I have.

You're not supposed to talk about it.

He said it was okay. But it's interesting because it's a new era. Because we live in this era where people talk about, Nipo and, Oh, you're the child.

That's the new thing.

Yeah, that's the new thing. I'm saying that, Oh, you're the child of celebrity. You read this book, your dad- You're like, Where the fuck is the celebrity?

Yeah.

Your dad is not- It's the point. Your dad is not really in the picture that much. He's peripheral a little bit. He's very peripheral. Your mom, you say, My childhood was on a leash of the whims of my mother, and that you were told to You're going to be the man of the house even though you're a little kid. It didn't matter to her. Yeah. Then you live this life that is completely different. I mean, you are on a ranch. There's 22s, rifles. The life you're living is not that of a kid who's growing up in any privilege.

Yeah, but that's the whole thing. That's the thing that either people are really interested in or they're not interested in. To me, I know that I've fought the of celebrity my whole life, even though I didn't grow up in LA. Everybody thinks I grew up in Malibu. I didn't grow up in Malibu. Then you imagine what happens on a set and you think it's this perpetual red carpet and you're just waving, literally your entire life. Do you know what I mean? There is a perception of. I was just on the phone with my lit agent, Kimberly Witherspoon this morning, and I was like, I'm spinning. You saw me, I felt it get uncomfortable when you said those nice things about the book. I got teary. I This means the world to me because it's me being naked about the realities of the life that I've lived in the life of a lot of other celebrities that I know. It's not that it's looking for compassion. It's not. But there's no compassion in that. There's no just like, Oh, you guys have the same problems. No, you don't. You live in a bubble. You all live under the same apartment complex.

You just go, What are you thinking? What are you thinking What about the life of this unconventional life of this guy who was germinated, unbeknownst to anybody, that it was going to be this, into an artist who just found creativity as an outlet, got attached to it, the self-destructive part of him grew and grew and grew with it, and then somehow, through having kids and all that, found his way out of the self-destruction.

I read this book and I thought, it's a miracle you're alive because there's so many parts of this book where your drinking is out you're out of control, and it feels like you have a death wish at times. Same thing with your mom. For sure. You read these accounts, which, again, are so beautifully written. Then you intersperse that by jumping around with you show up on the set to shoot the Goonies. There's this crazy world that you're living in where you feel like, Oh, he's a ranch hand. He's not even a ranch a ranch hand. He's someone who has to work his way up to being a ranch hand. That's how it feels sometimes. Then suddenly you time travel, you're on the set of the Goonies, and you feel like, This is weird. I don't know what this is, this make believe world that I'm in. This seems fun, but- But not even close to as surreal as my world. Yes. Yes. Your world is much more surreal- Totally. Than showing up and making the Goonies with Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner, with And by the way, I have to step outside this conversation for one second and tell you that Sonoma Sessian's Citizen Cain is the Goonies.

I witnessed this firsthand because this is true for an entire generation. I shoot this travel show, and I was not long ago in New Zealand, and I'm in New Zealand, and I see a a familiar face way across the way in this strange hotel we're in. She starts coming closer to me, and she goes, Konan, hi. I go, Hi. I I don't see quite who it is. She gets closer, and I realize, Oh, it's Martha Plimpton. Oh, what? Martha Plimpton's in New Zealand. She's there to shoot something. She sits at our table, holds court, is lovely, fantastic, really funny. My crew is all women. It's three and two cameras and sound, they are shaking, shaking. Because she's in the. The thing is, I kept thinking, Yeah, Martha Plimpton, she's great, but shaking? You never shook when you met me. Why are they shaking. You guys have a... Is there a tremor going around? At the end of the night, they went, Can we just please, please, please, please, Martha, can we just please get a picture with you? Then after they get the picture, they're practically crying and hugging each other. I said to them, What?

They said, The Goonies. Yeah.

Right? Oh, yeah. Matt, too. It's not just me. It's true. Formative. Oh, yeah.

And you do whole-Movie of my life. You do whole monologs to me about Troy's Bucket.

Yes, of course. It's the most inspirational monolog ever.

Yes. There have been times, because Sona has been with me for a long time, and there have been times where I've been, and we've been all over the place. I'm not kidding. There were times where I was on tour, and it was right after the Tonight Show fiasco, and I'm down and out, and I'm like, Man, I got to salvage my career. It's their time. You would say, Coney, It's their time up there. It's your time. And he went, What are you talking about? And she went, It's not your time. It's our time. It's our time. I'm like, Sona, what is this? And everyone around her was like, She's right. It's Troy's I'm like, What the fuck are you people talking about? I'm 87 years old.

Oh, my God. Honestly, it's like if you did a Freud quote, if you did some other quote, you'd be like, Wow. But because it's the Goonies, it has this reference of cute.

No, but for a whole generation, it is wow.

No, dude. For three generations, I don't know how many... How old are you? Are you my age?

I am 98 years old. Yeah, I know.

So you are.

We're the same age. I fought in World War II. How did you? I am '61. You're '61. I'm older than you. I'm '56. Okay. Well, let's rub it in.

Yeah, '61. You look so good.

Thank you. I've had a ton of work done. Have you?

I'm a counselor. Do you get filler, Really? I get no filler.

I do. You know what?

Really? Yeah, my lips.

No.

I have no.

You don't.

We all looked at you. Let's see those guys. Come on.

Can you imagine somebody like me getting filler? No.

As he sits cross-legged on the chair, by the way. Look at this.

This is great. We all just stared at your lips.

Josh, you know what's amazing? No one would ever believe that I would get filler on my lips because I have no lips. My mouth is a slit. It's a gash in my face.

You do have great cheekbones. You do have great cheekbones, and you would look amazing with bigger lips. I suggest that you do filler. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

You know what I should do?

I don't think it's a bad thing. I know there can be reactions, but even you, because you have no lips, if it reacted poorly, it would still look good.

So even if I got a bad swelling, it would give me something.

It's so mean.

Josh, you could have said something like, No, you look fine. But you went, No, even you.

No, because everybody says this. This is not a perpetual red carpet. I wanted it. You are not a fucking celebrity. God damn it.

I thought this was my time.

There. You just brought it around. Yes. This is not their time. This is our time. It's our time down here.

I remember voice control.

I remember Steve Anton said, What was it? What was Carrie's name? Andy? Andy. It's the worst voice control of any actor until I did my next movie which was Thrashen, that when I was in the premiere and I saw that movie, a movie that I don't talk shit about anymore, but I did for years, when I saw it. My name was Chrissy that I yelled out, and she walked out of my trailer and I go, Chrissy. I was like, Oh, my God, you suck so bad. You're actually hurting people. Acting is supposed to bring joy, and you're bringing shit.

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Ie, or visit our store on Main Street, Malahide. See it, buy it, get it tomorrow. I always go back to the one in Wall Street. Charlie Sheen is on an elevator with his father. And Martin Sheen, they're having this big argument, and Martin Sheen's line is, I don't measure a man's worth by the size of his wallet, is what he's supposed to yell at him. I adore Martin Sheen. He's one of my all-time favorites and a lovely man, but his line reading was, At least I don't measure a man's worth by the size of his... What?

It was a patina moment. It's the Give me all you got.

That's what it is. That's what it is. But anyway, every actor has those somewhere.

By the way, have you heard that story, Give me all you got? He was like, We had planned that he was on cocaine. You go, Thank God that wasn't just you.

Oh, I think that was retroactively put in to make sense of what he should do.

And explain this. And explain for people who don't know. Yeah, there's a scene in heat where he's interrogating a source.

But the best part is he's clearly improvising because when he says, Give me all you got, the other guy The look on his face is so real. He's looking to Michael Mann going, Are we going to use this?

Yeah, right. I know.

But it works because he's like, Vincent Hannah is too scary.

You know what you do when you get to that point? I've been to that place. I've been in that place, and you do it twice. Yeah. Give me all you got. Give me all you got. It's like, Please cut. That's what he's saying. Please cut the film. Don't let this happen. I'm an actor. I can't stop.

He's one of my all the time. I think in the same one, he says, She's got a great ass.

That's what I mean.

Then he slaps the table. Then he slaps the table. The thing is, the thing about Pacino, who sat in that chair- Had a great ass. And had a great ass, he sat.

One of the great He is, I mean, God, but he can get away with anything.

Yeah, except that. Yeah, except that. Except that. That was wrong.

That was wrong. That was a perfect movie, and he fucked it up. Or Michael Mann fucked it up. I'm saying that from a fellow actor, I've spoken with him. Not that I told him, Hey, why'd you fuck up me? But he's one of the great... I mean, Dogd Afternoon to me is one of the greatest films of all time that I've probably seen 30 times It's just truly one of the greatest. When I heard him back, I was on a plane and I heard him back there, whatever it was. It was like Tom Waits' version of this. It's one of the few people I couldn't come up to. I was so in awe. Me too. He came up to me and he said, I'm a big fan, and I was like, Wow, that's a moment I'll never forget. He's the godfather. Did he say he was a fan of yours?

No, not a fan. He went out of- He did that. No, he went, he likes you. He went way out of his way to say, Not a fan. No, he was He's very sweet to me. I've run into him a couple of times, and he has been enormously kind and sweet to me.

Can we just revisit this really quick before you move on? I know I say this every time I see you, but I used to see you on the street in New York. You know this. Upper West Side. Upper West Side, but not in the park. The Upper West Side, I would see you on the street, and you would always avoid me. That's the truth. You would always avoid me. I did. You'd always look at me, you'd have your dogs. Yeah. I was totally- One dog. One dog? Yeah. I imagined many dogs.

Well, I had a paper machine dog. I wanted people to think I had two dogs. Really? I had a real dog, and then I had a paper machete dog. But I do. I always remember seeing you, recognizing you, and then you would look up, and then basically it was your version of stay away from me.

Yeah.

I was very anti-goonie back then.

No, you didn't know I was from the Goonies. He just thought I was some weird street urchin that needed cocaine and you looked like a dealer.

You were swinging a hatchet. I will say that.

He looked like a dealer?

No, I'm just saying. That's probably what I thought then. Hey, man, you holding? You holding? Aren't you Conan O'Brien? Shit, man. No? Okay.

As everyone will tell you, I'm notoriously unfriendly when you meet me on the street. Notoriously. But yeah, I dipped out for that Goonies moment. We have another connection, which is because you mention this a lot in your book, and you tell this great story. But the set where we shot our show, our TBS show for 10 years, was the set where they shot the Goonies on Warner Brothers. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, no way. I know you tell this great story where the director, Donner, and I think Spielberg, they wanted it to be a surprise when you guys come out of the water and see the ship for the first time. They had you all go underwater with your eyes closed backwards and then turn underwater.

With an underwater speaker that was saying, We'll tell you when to come up.

When to come up. They wanted your honest reactions to seeing this massive gallion that they had built for the first time. Which was real. And speak about screwing things up. What did you do?

I came up, they said, Go. I heard everybody else coming up, so I was late, so I wasn't thinking. I came up, I looked at it. I turned around, I looked at it, and I went, Fuck. Donner goes, What? I go, Sorry. He goes, Go back under. This is a G-Movie.

Also, you can't do that again. Because, by the way, You can't see it for the first time again.

No, that's what I'm saying. Go back under. I ruined the whole thing. Again, when we go back and talking about this book is that you go, Oh, we're hiring Jim Brolin's son or whatever. He auditioned six times, and I was. I was right for that part. I look at it objectively and I go, I was right. I looked like a jock. I looked like Sean Aston. But the truth of the matter is, is they were hiring a Ceto rat. They were hiring a guy who had already been to jail two times. When I go up and say, Fuck, it's organic. It's not like, Oh, my God, fuck, that's so big. It's so hard being an actor's son. Anyway, I was going to show you. I keep reaching for this, and I'm going to show you. Keep talking and I'll show you.

All right. Well, anyway, this is a podcast, see, and I'll just keep talking while the guy I interviewing isn't paying attention. That's not how this works. What am I supposed to do?

I don't know. This is a picture of me. It's my mother, JB, as a kid. It's me in my crib with a mountain lion.

What? Holy shit.

There you go. Let me see.

Oh, my God.

That is- It's not a cub. It is an adolescent mountain lion. That's the norm.

Is that your mom putting it in?

That's my mom taking the picture. Look at the camera. I'm like, I'm not I'm not taking my eyes off the mountain lion. I'm not looking at the camera.

This is like you and Melanie Griffith, didn't her tip beheadrin?

They knew each other. They did know each other.

They grew up on a farm with all these lions and everything.

If you look at the face, it will tell you everything. Not that I was beaten. That's what it is growing up with wild animals.

Because you're constantly getting- That's it. Clawed in the face.

But also- Love bites, my mom called them.

What's interesting about this- Love bites. Anyway. Josh, in the book, you jump between the iconic Hollywood experiences where it's you and Sean Penn, and you're meeting Robert De Niro for the first time, and you had this great thing. You're such a wise... You've never met De Niro before. He sits down at the table and you say...

I don't mean to be. It's like even joking around with you. I'm in this thing right now. It's like, I don't mean to be mean. There's people that I like, Colbert, you, where I get along with really well. Then I know I do that thing, and I don't mean to. It's just what I grew up with. We all poke each other.

Trust me, You know what I mean? I drink from that well exclusively. It's called growing up with brothers and sisters, and we're always constantly cuffing each other. All we do is talk shit at each other around here. That's trust.

That's family. To me, that's family. Not everybody gets that. That's why when I go to Italy, everybody's like that. I was like, Oh, wow. I was just born in the wrong country. Everybody, even the grandmother is like, What the fuck are you looking at? I'm like, What?

It's funny is you have these...

You jump- Actively trying to ruin my career.

You jump from these moments where you're telling really funny stories about these hanging out with Brando and Travolta and these great stories. But then the next chapter, you'll jump back in time and it's you. It's four in the morning, and it's your job to feed 75 horses.

Because there's connective tissue there somewhere, and it's not linear because what is linear? I'm saying I was saying this this morning. I was saying the whole point of the book is that it's this... It's a collective... I love the idea of groups of people being able to lean on each other. If you don't have the same beliefs, it's a messy fucking life, man. It's all over the place. It's all made up of moments. This whole idea of trajectory. I did the Goonies, and then I did thrashing, and then I worked with... Then I did Highway to Heaven. It's like, Yeah, okay, but what were you thinking? What were you What was the messiness? How did you become who you are at this point? You know what I mean? It's way more interesting to me to get into the nonlinear reactions off. You have De Niro in front of you and you look at him. I'm sure it was the wine, but I was like, Look at your face, man. He goes, What? I was like, You just got a fucking face. Look at your face. Has anybody ever told you? Have you ever thought about...

I know you run a motel or a hotel or whatever it is, but you thought about acting?

Now, did he laugh?

No. Then I hear Sean go, Dude, shut the fuck up. No, he didn't laugh, but he was like, What?

You're talking to me? Yeah.

I was like, Your face, the way you're sitting in that chair is just so celebrity.

But why not? We're in this life once.

No, but you said it before, and I don't mean to make it morbid or anything, but you said death wish. It was never a death wish. I never had a death wish. It was a vivid wish. I just wanted things. Maybe it was the LSD I took at 13. I don't know. But it was like, I just wanted... My mom was that. She just wanted it heightened.

You talk about these experiences where you would go with your mom. You're a kid She would go to a restaurant, and it's just the two of you, and then she would start making her move to connect with a guy there, and you knew what was happening, and you'd go out in the parking lot and go look for rattlesnakes by yourself while your mom cozy up to someone.

Yeah, but she wasn't, and I would say this, if she was, she wasn't particularly sexual. Again, it was more about whatever the event was. We went into a restaurant. It was very rare my mom didn't end up in the kitchen. Yes. My mom cooked every day. Whether there was somebody on the ranch or not, she cooked every day, and then she'd put it on somebody's fence post. She cooked all the time. I have all those recipes. I have a whole wall full of recipes that are all handwritten and all that. It's very cool. But the truth of the matter is that she was a big drinker. She would go out, she was loud, she was masculine. If she wanted to kiss you, there's nothing that would stop her from doing that. She would grab you, she would pull you across the table, and then she'd give you a kiss, and then something else would come up. Somebody would bark, and then she'd look over and you know what I mean? It was like a high pitch whistle dog thing. She just wanted to be in the nucleus of everything of what was the most heightened and most interesting without knowing why.

She was always like that. She was telling me that her parents were super sweet parents, teachers, really smart, Corpus Christi, Texas, and that she was always leaking out of the house. She was She was causing trouble. She always had animals in her garage that she was hiding. She was just that in an organic way. I don't have it in the book. She ended up, she ran away from home when she was 19. The first people she met were Clint and Maggie heast with. That's before Clint did Rawhide or any of that. They took her under their wing. She hung out in Hollywood. She grew up Baptist, very strict. She started sleeping with all these guys, married men and all that. She went crazy. She took a bunch of pills, got in a car, started hitting a bunch of park cars, ended up in Camarillo State Hospital. They assessed her. Three and a half weeks later, they said, Look, she's not crazy. She just had a moment. They go to Camarillo State Hospital to pick her up, and she doesn't to leave. She goes, I like it here. It's fun. She had become friends with a lady.

I mean, again, this is super morbid, but a lady who had hacked up her whole family and hadn't talked for 12 years. I can see it right now. Probably sat next to her and said, I don't understand why you're not talking. Do you not talk at all? Do you have a voice or do you have this? The girl finally said, Candy. It was like a whole breakthrough.

Your mom broke through this woman who wasn't talking to anybody.

Out of total annoyance, I'm sure. Yeah.

Would you please shut up and I'll tell you exactly who I hacked up and why.

But I don't tell that story because there's no need to tell that story because it has that in the fabric of each story. You can see that for me in my life It's hard to tell those stories when you're promoting a book because who the fuck wants to read about that? But at the same time, you go, That's normal, man. That's normal for us.

What you clearly inherited from your mom, as you said, is this need that you wanted, and it's in all these stories you tell throughout your childhood and through a chunk of your adulthood, you need the dials turned up all the way. You need that. That's just something that you insist upon. If that means whatever that means, that's what you're going to do. Whatever that means.

Then you go, Why would I be an actor? I had no interest in being an actor. My dad's profession didn't interest me in the least. There was nothing that drew me toward, What do you do? Wow, you do the thing. It was nothing. I took a theater class because there was underwater basket weaving in theater, and I was like, Well, I'll do the theater. This woman had me get up on stage. It was the first one she chose. Get up on stage, create a character, any character you want. How does he look? How does he feel? Where is he from? How does he do this? Now, as the house, we're going to ask you questions, and you answer as the character. As I was a balding middle-aged guy from Brooklyn or something, I don't know, whatever I came up with in my head. As I was answering in humor, once When people started laughing at my answers, it just clicked. I was like, This is it. This is heightened. This is me able to resort to my imagination, which is far more interesting than my reality.

I completely relate to being a kid, making people laugh. When people describe, Oh, the first time I tried a drug, and I realized that's who I want to be, that person, that's how I felt when, Oh, these kids at the Baldwin School, the K-3 School, are laughing at some nonsense I'm doing. I'm like, What is this? What is this? I got to have more of this, and I don't care who I heard. There's a lot of beauty in the book. There's a lot of darkness in the book. You grew up with this group, this pack of kids. There's one quote that I circled, The group of guys they grew up with, 37 of them are dead. Thirty-six. I got some bad news for you. I just got a word. You actually just did that. I just got a word five minutes ago. And it's you. No, it's not you, but it's your friend, Spencer. It was totally his- See?

Now you're family.

Now you're family. It was a ballooning accident.

Now you're family. I appreciate.

Okay, what's that? I thought it said 37, but okay, 36. Thirty-six.

Thirty-six, set of 50. And there's, by the way, still people that when I talk about it, they go, Hey, tell Brolin, I'm not fucking dead, man. You know what I mean? I'm just laying low. It was the punk rock. It was punk rock. It was the the heroin epidemic. It was all that. A lot of people died.

This stuck out to me. You were given your first motorcycle when you were four years old.

Three and a half.

I got bad news for you. No, I'm kidding. Your first certificate is wrong. You were four. I want this to a recurring- I love that.

You're rewriting my book.

I want this to be a recurring thing where every time Josh corrects me, I got bad news for you.

I know. And by the way, you get mad and you shoot back.

Okay, three and a half and you get a motorcycle?

Three and a half. Why are you still here? Indian 20. Indian 20. I was three and a half, and then two weeks later, I had him take off the training wheels. As you see in my face in all those pictures- Who sanctioned this? Who sanctioned? My dad. My dad who doesn't ride I don't have the same vehicles anymore. It was never very good. He fell at one point and really fucked up his ankle. But I rode my whole life. I raced dirt bikes. I got my '80s, and that's where I was spoiled. My dad always got me a motorcycle, so I had probably five different motorcycles growing up.

You've done some crazy rides through New Zealand?

Well, then when I was 19, then I got into the Harley thing. Then from 19 on, so however many of that years, that is 19 to 56. I ride with a group of guys now, and we go 1,200-mile pulls, and we go to chopper shows and stuff like that. I have a 1937 knucklehead, 1968 shovelhead, 1956 panhead, 1947 knucklehead.

Can us get a very nerdy... What about maintenance on those?

We're breaking down because we're vintage motorcycles. Yes. You have to ride with people who can fix them. I'm not good, admittedly not good. I wish I was better. But I ride Steven. There's several people that we ride with that you'll see a transmission on a sidewalk. I have full transmission, and we'll fix it.

Whenever I get a chance, I try to ride a vintage motorcycle, and we were shooting something in Thailand, and they found this absolutely gorgeous vintage, I think it was a BMW. I could be incorrect about that, but it was from the early '50s, and it was this bike that you could drool over. I couldn't wait to get on it. I get on it, and my first feeling as I'm riding is this is fucking terrible. Meaning? Meaning the ride.

I know what you mean.

Also, if you don't keep the throttle just right, it's going to conk out. A guy kept having to come out and kick it and take it apart and put it back together again.

And over for you just to ride 50 feet for the shot.

Just literally for 50 feet for the shot. And we ended up getting the shot, and it looks amazing. But I kept thinking, this is why I like an automatic transmission.

When you see Hell's Angels or Mongols now, and they're all on nice bikes, they're all on new bikes. There's guys, true motorcyclists that I know that have super nice bikes that look at us and say, I could never do what you do because it's too exposing. It's too... It's just, yeah. You break down, there's no front break. There's sometimes not a back break. If you're going downhill- You have to throw an anchor.

You have to throw an anchor. Well, in 100 yards, I'm coming for a stop. Grab me, grab me, grab me.

But that's why I think even now, and my older kids can attest to this, I have a 36-year-old, a 31-year-old, a six-year-old, and a three year-old. My older kids, my son's a great artist, and there's a lot of electrical towers, and you go, Oh, I know that's because he was in the back of the car looking out the window. We stayed in motels, we stayed in that, and I do the same thing now. We make I make it as uncomfortable as I can. I have an absolute fear of living in nothing but comfort. Sorry for them, but it's just how it is. There's something like I said, there's something substantial about the vintage Harley Davidsons, where I wrote about it in the book. They said, Write about motor cycles. It's impossible to write about motor cycles. I wrote and I wrote, and I kept crossing shit out. Finally, I said, I can't it. The minute I said, I can't do it, I started riding. Then there was some connection with my mother and being in the back of the car with my mother and then riding vehicles now and those connections and riding through a sworn of bees and all that.

You go, That's the deal. The discomfort is the deal. If you have some resilience, I have a massive worry about a lack of resilience, even with my kids. But I look at my three-year-old. My three-year-old is literally the toughest person I know, my girl. She's just, you can see it in her face. You're like, Oh, you're 100% rolling. You're going to be okay. We just got to keep you from going crazy. But there's this, again, it's character. It's all the stuff that's colorful and lively that I embrace.

The other thing that I used to say to my wife when our kids were little is, let's remember that it's important they be bored. Yes. Because the culture now and the technology is such that there's never a moment where you are bored. I remember being bored as a kid because- Having to resort to your imagination imagination.

Yeah.

Who you are. Yeah. I think, do you have that with your kids, Sona? Oh, yeah.

It takes a lot of work to just remind yourself that it's okay if they're doing nothing. Then you see them start to resort to their imagination and you realize that's what they should be doing.

Because I sometimes see people that just give their kid the screen and they say, You're fine with the screen. I'm going to go off. I'll be back in six weeks. No.

No, man.

I'm talking about Matt Gourley.

He does that.

Matt does that, but not me. He also gives him a little rum. Well, that part is true.

Matt and I both also have three-year-olds, too. Twin? I have twins. He has one. You have my...

Okay, we're not together. We're not together. No, I got it. You got what I meant.

They're not together. They're not together. I keep trying to get them together, which is creepy because they each- We are together.

I just want to acknowledge one of the children.

No, I just saw you playing footsies underneath the table, and I thought there's something going on.

They often just trade shoes underneath the table. You each have three-year-olds.

Yeah.

We have a real pistol, too, and I know you do as well. It's a girl.

It's a girl and yours?

Mine are two boys. They're twins.

Two boys? Wow.

They're crazy.

It's great, though. It is. Even the irritation is great. There's a thing right now where they're both going through like, When you get mad, it would be great if you lived in a different house. I'm not even getting mad. I'm just like, Please don't do that. They're like, Can you live in a different house? I'm like, Fuck you, man. I looked at my three-year-old at one point and I said, Is there nothing about me that intimidates you? Then they just stare. You know what I mean? But there's something- I would love to have my daughter so passive-aggressive.

You speak to her, Hey, Glenn, we're going to go, We're listening.

Oh, God. That's the worst. It makes you crazy.

It does, and I'm going crazy.

I love that you have a little kid who stares at you with a brolling face and is like, Hey, old man, Keep walking. Oh, yeah. Keep walking, old man.

You don't even know the depths.

I do.

No, but I'm saying she's saying that in her mind when she looks at me. Oh, yeah. You're old now. We're the next generation, motherfucker. I'll bury you. Like, literally.

I'll pour the dirt on your face.

I'm not afraid of many people in this lifetime, but my kids, definitely. My 31-year-old daughter who's on tour, she just got off music. She was headlining all over the country. She's one girl who I'm absolutely, utterly in love with, but who scares the shit out of me. She's the first person in this life that actually scared me.

Do you see It's a very personal question, but do you see your mom coming through in some ways? For sure.

In the best way, though. My mom was spinning, man. My mom, and what I don't write about in the book, too, they go, God, your mom sounds horrible.

No, That is not what comes across. Okay, I'm glad. Not at all. Your mother is an absolutely fascinating character. She is the thread. She's the propulsion behind a lot of the book. She's clearly a huge propulsion for you through your life. What you do very beautifully is you talk about her troubles, her struggles, decisions that today some people would question, but you also include a beautiful letter she writes to you about how proud you can... There is no doubt she loves you. There's no doubt she's proud of you. There's no doubt that she's like Zorba the Greek. She is living every single second. That all comes through.

There was a moment toward the end of her life, and I found it was an Al-Anon book, and I still have it, and it had her name in the front that she wrote, handwrote. I know that there was a thing at the end. She had thought of... What's that show on right now? Chimps or something like that? Chimp Crazy. Chimp Crazy. She had thought of a show 30 years ago about a sitcom of chimps and people and doing it animatronically or something like that because she was into the wildlife thing. Somebody took her seriously and said, I want you to develop that show. She wasn't in the business or anything. It was just somebody that she knew and said, I want you to develop that show in a serious way. I remember my mother crying, and I said, What's the matter? She said, I've never been taken seriously in my life. She was a freak show. Then you start living up to that freak show. Then interestingly, there's a guy, I remember who it was. There was a guy who said, Hey, my friend's coming. He was Canadian. He said, My friend's coming into town.

Do you want to go out? I said, Sure. I went out, and I had done something a couple of days before, so I stopped drinking for a few days. We went out. He said, What can I get you? I said, Water's fine. He goes, What do you mean? I go, I just take a water. I'm not drinking tonight. He goes, I brought my friend down from Canada. I told her about you. I go, What do you mean? He said, You know, it's like you're going to have a night. I told her that you're crazy. I was like, Oh, I'm like your fucking clown, man. I'm like your thing. I'm like, You pay the $2, I have the two heads, or I have the thing, and you're going to experience a Brolin moment, a Brolin night. He's going to go to jail, and you're going to go home and go, How crazy is that guy? Then you're going to go on with your life. That was when I started to go, Uh-oh. Because my My mom lived a life of that, and I saw right at the end when she was taken seriously, at 55, and I'm 56.

Strangely enough, this book was never intended to be this book. This book happened organically. I just started writing. I'd look in my journal and I'd go, Oh, I remember that moment. I start writing about it poorly, and then this thing formulated into this, all these stories about my mom. You go, Maybe that's... It happened at 55. What a strange thing.

Well, it is I can't recommend the book enough. Again, when I picked it up, I didn't know what I'd be discovering. My big takeaway is you have lived for a, still, a young man, you have lived an incredible life, and your pro style is really striking and great and admirable. That's something that hit me across face, is you are a very talented writer and you should write more.

As a writer, you as a writer, I appreciate that very much. Seriously.

Well, I'm a very great writer. Okay. All right. Wait, did I go the wrong way on that?

Why can't you just make a moment normal? Just let it happen. Let him compliment you and then just say, Thank you and stop talking.

You said, I'm a great, very great writer, which grammatically is so fucked up.

It's the worst writing possible.

It's the worst writing. Me, B, I'm not done. Very great writer. Oh, thank you. Just say thank you. Josh, every time I've encountered you in my life, other than when I used to run away from you on the street. I swear to God, you had a weapon. You were going through some bad shit at the time. But every time I've talked to you on one of my shows, and today, you are a very honest person who has You're paid attention in life, and you're sharing what you've seen with people, and you're very wise, and you're hilariously funny, and it's a joy. So thank you so much for being here. Really. Thanks, man. Really.thanks for having me. Yeah. I'm going to come hang with you now for a couple of days, if that's cool.

That's fine. I don't think it is. Crawl into bed, brother. Crawl into bed. Snuggle up. Snuggle up.

Adam Sacks, our wonderful Overlord here at the podcast.

He's a podcast genius. He's the boy WNDYR. We owe him our thanks. Great debt of gratitude.

That's right. He alerted me of something on Reddit, and the title is, Is 'Conan's podcast using the dick, dork, and deer' formula. I started wondering if Konan is using a classic radio TV construct known as the dick, dork, and deer formula. For those unfamiliar, this is a common structure in big morning radio shows where the dick plays the antagonist saying the bold or jerky things. The dork is quirky or socially awkward, creating funny friction. The deer is the heart of the show, keeping things grounded and often echoing what the audience is thinking.

I have a theory. We're using the dick, dick, and dick from the Three dicks. Because I think it switches on and off all the time. I know, it's true. I don't think there is a deer here. You know what's amazing is that when you hear that, if I didn't know any better, I'd say, Oh, that makes sense. I'm sure there is a format for these things. People would be stunned by how little thought went into, 'Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. ' It was Adam saying, 'Conan, you should do a podcast, ' and I said, 'huh, well, if I do it, I better have Sona there because that She's in my life. She's my assistant, and we seem to be really funny together, and it's a real connection. Then they said, We need a dick. They brought Matt Goralian. Professional dick. A professional dick.

You guys are both dorks and dicks. Yes. You're both dork dicks. Yeah. Or dick dorks. I like dork dick.

Dickorks.

We're quirked dicks.

Yeah.

Ready to blow.

You are, though. I mean, I think we are all definitely dicks. Yes. I think it's a different formula, but I think that is very interesting that that is a formula when I think about it now.

Whatever we've come up with is random. This is a Jackson Pollack painting, except it wasn't even painted by Jackson Pollack. There was a can of paint on the side of the road.

It was painted by a dick.

Yeah, a car ran over it and splorched a bunch of paint onto a canvas. That's what this is for better and clearly worse. Now, you weren't thinking anything like that, were you? Adam, you're allowed to jump in. Here he comes. He's unfamiliar with the format, so he's sitting 50 feet away.

Is this mic on?

Yeah. The headphones are not on. Okay, wow. You're You're the podcast genius. Do I speak into this, too? No. The answer is no. I definitely was not thinking that we would... I'd never heard of that dick, dork, deer thing either. I can see how it makes sense. But no, that wasn't the thought. The thought was, start with you. You actually said you want some people around you. You need the people to bounce off of. You can't just do this by yourself. Well, it could. It'd probably be better. You said that you didn't want to do it by yourself. No, what I said was I don't want it to be too good. So let's make sure that Sona is here in gorely. Remember? If a nuclear reactor gets too hot, they put in these rods to cool it of just mediocre stuff. Dick dork.

Yeah, real dick dork. You're dick dorking it big time right now. That's a dick dork move. You're doing a dick dork. No one dick dorks better than you do.

I'm being a dick, and I'm also explaining how a nuclear reactor works. We should give some credit to Jeff Ross, who- Never. And not Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster general No, our own Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross, my producer of 31 years. Yes. Who- 25 of them very capably. He also identified the fact that you and Sona have a great thing, and it's really funny, so we should have Sona there. I had known Matt for many years at that point, worked with him for many years. When we said we wanted the best producer, in my mind, Matt's the best-I'm going to confess something. You had me come into a meeting and Matt was there, and we met. We got along great, and you said, Well, Matt will be the producer. At the time, I thought that meant he was... This isn't a bit or anything. I thought he was behind a glass case. Me too. To be fair. Producing it, I had no idea that he'd be in the room with us. When you were in the room with us and talking, I was like, Oh, I was surprised. For years, hated it. I got that sense.

Just years. No, I'm kidding. No, a surprise. And then immediately saw, Oh, no, this is great. This is a triangle. This is triangulation because you, I'm going to take a second and be legitimately nice to you. You bring so much great stuff to the podcast and you think differently than I do. Not as quickly and not as... You were so close. You were just all dear.

Just a little dork.

Not as touched by the gods. Not kissed by the gods. But you do such an amazing job. But that was a complete surprise to me.

Same with me because I had no understanding that I was going to be on Mike. I was just supposed to come on and help develop the pilot. But I do remember one of the first times you engaged with me on Mike, and in true service to this thing, it was a question about Star Wars. I think you turned to me as like, What do you think of this? I had this answer about the prequels or something.

Because I didn't even know, you just looked like someone. I think it was because you were dressed as a Jedi. I mean, in a child's Jedi costume, the kind that ties around like an apron and just says jedi on it. Not a good jedi, not a cosplay jedi, but an 11-year-old going out on Halloween jedi. I did in the back of my mind think there was a world where Matt would speak more, But the premise was that, yeah, you weren't going to talk.

You were just going to be the producer. I think you got there to be a microphone out there where I was like, why is there a microphone?

Yeah, and I wanted there to be a microphone in front of you just in case. For a while, I kept, if you remember this, easily the first 20 episodes, I was hiding your microphone. I'd come in early. Using a saw, I would saw it off the stand. I know.

You didn't know they'd just come off.

I didn't know.

Sometimes you just ducttape my mouth.

That was harder because you're quick. You're very quick. But then Blake stumbles in. Bley is like, if you're at a campsite and you don't put your food away, Bley will show up. So Bley stumbled in and he was outside the tent. And then he started saying things. We thought, Okay, we'll blaze here. And then Eduardo. Now, Eduardo designed the studio. Eduardo is the one here who actually knows things. He actually has skill, he's trained, he's talented. You, actually, Matt, you have some actual real-world abilities in editing. I don't do anything. Sona, Jesus. I'm sorry. But you know the way light can't escape a I mean, just you don't do anything, and it's amazing. It's absolutely amazing.

Does it infuriate you a little bit? No.

I love it.

Okay, I'm glad.

I love it.

You're right.

You are the best at doing nothing. You've turned it into not only an art, but like- You are just always been Sona, and it's amazing.

Don't change a thing. But that's also an insult. I But no, I mean, Eduardo is the one who designed the studio, just makes this whole thing hum. You're the maestro. You deserve so much better from me, except you have to take the occasional shot because you're a human being in the room with me. That's fair. You have to absorb some of the hate that was crystallized in Brooklyn, Massachusetts in the '60s. This is going to sound corny.

I can't take credit for hardly any of it. I just do what you guys allow me to do.

I hated that. He's a deer.

He's a deer.

That's the deer right there.

There's three deers over there. I knew you were going to give me shit for it, but I have to.

No.

Should we be more like those? Fuck you. Okay.

Oh, you're going to do the dick part? Also, we don't have sound effects, and I think all those shows have a and then fake fart noises and stuff. We use real farts here. We don't use fake fart noises. We couldn't figure that out.

We have a fart mic.

Fart mic. Sona's always carbo-loading before every episode. Get ready. Sona is 900 pounds cans of beans. Give me some beans. Give me some beans. I got work to do. I got work to do. Then Eduardo is always like, You know, there is a fart sound effect. It's literally on this board. So it's like, That sucks. Yeah.

Give me the fart mic. There's just one we have to pass around or are we individually mic?

Okay, I'm calling. No, there's one fart, Mike.

Okay. And then when you feel it, you give a look. Pass me the fart mic. And then someone's like, It's fart time.

Maybe we say it's fart time. Sona, to your credit, you're always ready to go when you feel it. Sona is always ready to go.

I prepare, sir.

You are money in the bank.

Yes, I am.

All right, I want to wrap this up, but that's the origin story of how... Oh, God. Wait a minute. That was so juicy. That sounded like wet quarteroy I know. That did not sound... What is it? That was like a lung being pulled out of someone's chest, Eduardo. It's a different type of fart. What was that fart? That fart is not like anything I've ever heard before.

That was someone falling into a trash compactor.

That was The Aquaman party. There we go. There we go. Eew. All right.

There's funny farts, and the wet farts are not that funny. The first... That one was funny.

I know, comedy.

We really have turned into a radio Drive Time show.

This is the scene. All right, well, avoid the 405. Avoid the 405, and we'll be back with the Wack Pack right here on Z 55, 35. Hit the fart. Jesus. That's so pathetic. That's just a dead person. That person has been dead for six weeks.

But we're all laughing at the fart. Farts are always funny.

No, never funny. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Liao. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/konan. And if you haven't subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.