Transcript of Grand Theft Rickshaw

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Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco. Com/callconan. Okay, let's get started. Hello. Oh, hey. Oh, hey. Rusty, I'd like to apologize.

Oh, hey, King Coco the Red. Yes. Podcast. Podcast Blunderer. Thank you. Freckle fiend. Freckle fiend. And holy puppet of the gods of mischief and mayhem.

What the hell is going on?

Lady Mosesian of Pasadena, mother of Criots.

I love this intro. Thank you very much. My girly, the white ass.

Hello, Asserted Minions and Hinchmen. And Aron the nerd. What's up?

Oh, my God. I have to know, who? I have to know. Who? Who? Who? Who?

Who Who are you?

Identify yourself, sir, immediately.

I am sir Rusty Rustamirani from Mumbai, India.

Oh, my God. Your name is Rusty, and you live in Mumbai, India? Absolutely. I don't think I would have guessed that, but I wouldn't have guessed anything. Nothing you said after that intro would make sense to me.

From one cartoon character come to another, I would expect.

Rusty, I love you already. I really do. You seem like an amazing person. What a burst of energy and joy from Rusty. I know. I'm wonderful.

Rusty, tell us a little bit of- It's only 1:30 AM at night.

Sorry about that, Rusty.

I'm not even caffeineated yet. I'm not even caffeineated.

Can you believe that? I don't want to see you on Caffeine if this is you without caffeine. Exactly. Yeah. Okay, let me slow it down here for a second. Your name is Rusty. Sure. Rusty Irani, and you are from Mumbai, India. That's where you're talking to us from. Tell us a little bit about yourself, Rusty.

Well, I'm from Mumbai, India. I'm born and brought up in India. The accent is a result of me having traveled to the US since I was 13 to find a cure for the disease that I suffer from. I'm on a wheelchair. I've been on a wheelchair all my life. I suffer from this progressive neurological condition called spinal muscular atrophy. It's SMA for short. It's got the world's most expensive drug right now, which I won't ever have access to because I don't fall under the compassionate user program. It's a progressive disorder where my body doesn't make this protein that helps my nerves to create more nerve cells to help my muscles grow, hence the atrophy bit.

I was a kid- Can I ask you quickly? You have this You have this illness.

It's a progressive neurological disease.

It's a progressive neurological disease. How do you get- I could walk as a child, and then I met with a bike accident at the age of nine.

I go figure. Met with a bike accident, and I've been on a wheelchair for the last 35 years. I've driven different wheelchairs since then. I went to school here in Mumbai, and then I went and studied English from a college here in Mumbai. I majored in English, got my my first degree in English. Then I had this bug up my ass because I loved films. During the whole period of my convalescence as a kid, my mom opened the whole world of cinema and books because I could not speak as legibly and as articulately right now as I'm speaking with you guys here. I used to only speak with the head nod and speaking like this guy, like all every typical Indian, how we usually tend to talk. My mom opened the whole world of books to me and cinema. And cinema, that is not meant for a nine-year-old. I was exposed to all the Arnold Schwartzner stuff and all the Sylvester Stallone stuff because that's the only food- Yeah, that stuff isn't meant for adults either.

I'll be honest with you, Rusty. Exactly. You know what? I'm very impressed though because- I thought all Americans spoke like Arnie. Yeah, Exactly. You're walking around Mumbai as a kid.

And Sylvester Stallone. Yeah. First coin seven years ago.

Exactly.

Welcome to Mumbai.

Yeah, exactly. Rusty, first of all, I just love that. Clearly, you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such- That's what I intended, yes. But you have, first of all, I just love that. Clearly, you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such- That's what I intended, yes. But you have But fantastic. I don't know. You have such a fantastic outlook. You're so funny.

I'm not one of those disabled guys who shows up on reality television with an inspiration poem story. I don't even have those stories. All my life, it's all about this vacado incidents that have been happening with me. It's one crazy adventure after another. I can't see myself sitting at home and moving about this shit, but I'd rather joke about it and crack a smile and go on with lying because it's hilarious to me. I don't know how some disabled folk can just make some inspiration, porn story out of their life. Yeah, self-entitled prex, but me, I'm different. I like just putting myself out there. Yeah, you laugh. I'm allowed to make these jokes.

I mean, you have an amazing spirit and an amazing attitude, Rusty. Tell me, what's it like-Thank you, sir, Konan. What is it like to be someone who's in a wheelchair in Mumbai? What's that experience like?

Well, first of all, they all think I'm some... You've been to Thailand, right? I saw the episode that we took. You remember all those tuktuk in Thailand, the small little rickshaw scooters? Bombay is full of those. Every rickshaw guy thinks I'm like some new competition in town. The moment I step out of my home. I'm a big guy. I'm almost 56 inches across and I'm 6'2, so I'm on this chair and everybody thinks I'm just out for a ride. The seriously creepy part about my disease is I don't look disabled. When I speak like this and when I'm sitting with you guys here, you would not even realize I can hardly function in terms of my motor skills and my ability to even transfer myself. But when I'm out there, from the local transportation busses to guys on the cows and the dogs, everybody chases me. If someone's trying to run me off the road, it's mayhem. And Mumbai roads and Mumbai infrastructure is not even meant for regular pedestrians. Let me tell you that.

So they're not... Because in the United States, there's a lot of rules and regulations about, as you know, because you visited here, about Yeah, wheelchair access and making sure that people that use wheelchairs- But I'm sure you guys also know about this, because if you've seen the documentary from Crip Camp, the struggle the disabled guys in the US had to go through to get the facilities that he got.

To get that, yes. Exactly. It was like, they actually went and took over the town hall in San Francisco. I wish I could do that, but nobody here would even come to support me. First of all, I would not even be able to make it to the town hall here. So that would be like a challenge.

Right. Well, it doesn't sound like it would be much good anyway to go to the town hall. It doesn't sound like it would be receptive. If I were to come to Mumbai and you and I were to hang out together, what would you want to do with me? What would we do together?

The first thing I do is put you on a wheelchair without causing you any bodily harm. I mean, this big guy on a wheelchair and this other tall freak on the wheelchair. Hey, hey. He's causing me all over my face.

Hey, easy there, buddy.

Easy. I mean, have you seen the attitude of the Indians towards any person with pale skin? You would be the star attraction here. I could get money from people to just have you on the streets going over a ranch like Evo Cunevo.

Hey, this isn't a circus, Rusty. It sounds pretty good. You can't just say, Behold the Konan.

Whoa, every time I try to get into my vehicle, I have an audience of 15 to 20 people. If I had to charge them, I could I learned enough to pay for some medicine for my disease. That's the first thing I would do. The other thing I wanted to do is I want to get all this pent-up energy and all this pop culture crap that's full of my experiences. I want to start my own YouTube channel. I've already trademarked a name called Wheelivision. Wheelivision? I don't think... Wheelivision, yeah. It's a channel by the disabled, for the Disabled, and it's got nothing to do with side stories. It's It's all about one day dedicated to doing actual wheelchair reviews like you would do a car review.

A day dedicated to doing- That's cool.

This sounds like a day dedicated to doing a talk show.

This sounds like a fun, cool channel, and it sounds like you also- I've been nursing for a long time. It sounds like you would want to do a lot of comedy, too.

I mean, everything from a Key & Peel, a skit comedy show where no holes barred. Do blind guys having sex using dotted condoms where the condoms are in braille, so you get to learn new as you're having sex.

Okay, I'm writing these ideas down. Blind guys using condoms with braille.

This is- Then somebody with a sign language interpreter going with a deaf guy for a singing competition The interpreter does the singing, but the guy who's actually deaf and mute gets to win the prize because they're.

You're just sitting around thinking of this stuff. Hitting.

I wake up at night thinking, what if it's the next zombie, like Apocalypse, and I'm on a wheelchair and I turn into a zombie, I wouldn't be able to operate my wheelchair. I think about these things. I think about going to a bar and going way over the limit, and I don't have a designated driver for my wheelchair. How does that work?

To be honest, I go to a pharmacy in the US.

Here, it's all over the counter prescription. I go to a pharmacy in the US, the first thing they hand me is a bottle full of pills, and it says, Don't operate heavy machinery. I'm always operating heavy What are you supposed to be? It's shit like that. It's funny. I want people to laugh at the disabled and not in a bad way.

I think you want them to laugh with the disabled. Absolutely. You know, it's good to be Robbie Williams, but it's great to be a cat.

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I'm curious. You said that you're You spend a lot of time, obviously, you're very well-versed in cinema. What about video games? Do you like video games?

Oh, yeah. I grew up on video games. Like I said, if you are on a wheelchair, there's not a lot of outdoorsy stuff that you can I gave it a shot. But yeah, video games were introduced to me at a very young age from the old Atari system, playing Pong with that big joystick thingy. Then moving on to knock-offs. We didn't get American game consoles.

They have rip-offs of popular video games in India?

Yeah, they still proliferate the markets here in Mumbai. You get rip offs of every known console ever. But they've got these funny Chinese names. The Nintendo NES used to be called the Samurai System for some reason.

Do they have a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto?

There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the old versions of GTA, Grand Theft Auto, and they've taken all the tanned players from the non-NPC characters, the non-playing characters who are all having tans, and they put into the Indian version of the game. Every time the NPC player has made it into the Indian version of GTA.

I think they just pulled this up. We've got a clip here. Eduardo is very fast. Eduardo was just able to find a This is the Indian version of Grand Theft Auto.

You see what I mean?

There you go. Oh, my God. What?

Mario's in there.

Mario's in there. They just- A last beat.

Oh, a multiple Mario.

Multiple. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening.

That was insane looking. To give them due credit, it's still in the prototype state. It's still a pilot project.

I hope that's the prototype. I've got some notes. You have notes? Not me. That was perfect. Yeah, I got a few notes. It mostly involves rickshaws? Yeah. The Grand Theft Auto, it doesn't involve cars. It involves rickshaws.

They haven't progressed beyond rickshaws yet. But it's still called Grand Theft Auto. No, it's got some Indian name. Okay. It's a working title. They still haven't figured out what to call it yet.

You say you live with your mother and your father. Tell me, what's your relationship like with your dad?

They are my caregivers, my best friends. I'm on first-name basis with them in that sense. They know everything about me and I know everything about them. That's so cool that you know your parents. Yeah. They don't throw potatoes at me.

I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. Okay, all right. This is now world famous that my parents were fruit potatoes at each other.

No, but my dad, he's never given hope. He's now 72. He always thinks that the cure ride around the corner. My dad is also my biggest wingman/cockblocker. Wait, how is he a wingman/cockblocker?

I will tell you.

I will tell you how, Mr. Curnan. My father thinks that every woman I meet is then an ideal mate for me. He couldn't do better than this. This is the one for him. The moment I strike a conversation, again, I'll give you a movie reference. You've seen the seventh seal with the God of Death playing chess with that night, the German surrealist film. Matt, you know about this, right? Yeah, the Inna R. Bergman film. My dad suddenly randomly pops out of nowhere while I'm having a conversation. I'm using my best lines on a woman at a bar, asking her to turn me on and play with my joystick. I'm using this very, very good- Oh, yeah, that's a great line, Rusty.

I can't believe your dad stepped in and ruined it. I don't think... You're telling a woman at a bar, play with my joystick, and then you're mad that your dad fucked it up?

Yeah. I mean, can you think of a better line for somebody on a wheelchair who's already had a few too many and meets a very attractive woman who has shown some promise towards it? Yes. And my dad comes up and then he rattles off all the assets I own and how I could live independently and I make a predilection leaving. And then I would make a great husband and I'm absolutely capable of getting erections and giving her as many kids as she wants.

Okay, well, first of all, this is nothing my dad didn't say to my dates. He was constantly stepping into the room and saying, He can become erect. It has happened. Then he would go back, he would retreat, and the door would shut. It was like a little cuckoo clock. But you just float back. Yeah, he'd float back. Erection's impossible with the boy. Then, whew. That was the cuckoo of you get an erection twice a day. When the clock strikes. Oh, my God. Wow. It sounds like we have similar fathers. They were built to embarrass us. Because I mean, obviously, I was not in a wheelchair, but I had my own struggles, and my father was always he's coming in at just the worst time and saying the worst thing.

Absolutely, yeah.

Well, I think- Were you playing with your statistic when that happened? Okay. Rusty, please. Rusty. I was raised Catholic, and we don't master I'm going to have to go to the next debate. Yeah.

Let me see your palms. Okay, Rusty. Rusty, I don't know what to do with you, Rusty.

I really don't. But you know what I have Today, you've been dealt a difficult hand, to say the least. But good Lord, you have- You can say that again. You've made this such a joyous experience. You're really funny. You have a great sense of humor. It sounds like you're having a good time, and I applaud you. I really do. I think you're a really impressive person. It's very cool to know you. It really is.

It has been cool to know you for the last 30 years.

If I can get to If I can get to Mumbai, I would happily ride around in a wheelchair with you side by side.

If I can make a few Americans cripple and bring them along on wheelchairs, that would help with my other startup as well. I'm starting a startup called IncluTrip. Com, It's like a travel startup for people with disabilities to come and visit India. I want to show the world that.

That's interesting. That's a very cool idea.

It also sounds like he could use a new wingman.

Yes. And by the way, I'm not a great wingman.

I'm not biased that way.

Rusty, I'm not a great wingman, but I'm a lot better than your father. Okay? Yeah. I'm not going to- I'll take your word for it when you're around here. All right, I can prove it. Well, Rusty, it's so cool to talk to you. It's such a pleasure. Yeah, such a pleasure to talk to you.

You made my day, my year, my decade, since 1993, when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time- I always show up in porn.

I don't know why, but I got more fans who thought they were finding porn. They said more people typed in. What they did. I guess they just typed in, I want to see a dick, and then I popped up.

No, it wasn't like that. The first guy I saw was the late great Joel Goddard with a young Korean guy by his side.

Oh, my God. He was He wasn't awesome. Wait a minute. I think Joel Goddard is still alive. I think he is. Yeah, Joel Goddard is still alive. I think he is. Let's not get it out there that he's dead because they might try and bury him.

The great, great Joel Goddard then.

Yeah, he's still alive. That's the line from the first Godfather.

Me, he found me in Preparation Edge. By Preparation Edge, Raymond and.

Oh, my God. He's a super fan. Hey, Rusty. Yeah, absolutely. I'm so glad that you found me. You were searching for porn, but you found Konan O'Brien, and that's the best way to find me. And thrilled to have such a funny, creative, cool person be a fan.

Plages all mine, Konan. Pleasure's all mine.

Yeah.

Well, I hope we- And you guys are awesome, too. Sona, Matt, Aaron, all you guys. You made it worth pushing through the pandemic. Oh, thank you. You absolutely did. You made it worth my while. Yeah. I just put in this. Everybody asked me, even during the pre-check, How many times did you apply? I said, I just did it once. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be. Wow. Yeah. That's so cool. It was meant to be.

There you go. Well, Rusty, I hope to meet you in person one day. But until then- Same here, Colin. Be well. Tell your father to knock it off, and take good care of yourself.

Long days, pleasant night, folks. It was wonderful talking to all of you. Take care, Rusty. Take care. Have a lovely, lovely, lovely day. All right, guys. Take care. Bye-bye. Konan O'Brien needs a fan.

With Konan O'Brien, Sonam of Cessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourly. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Leal. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivina. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blaird. Associate Associate Talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/conin. Please rate, review, and subscribe to, 'Conin O'Brien needs a fan wherever fine podcasts are down.

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