Transcript of Nate Bargatze

Hi, my name is Nate Bargetze, and I feel a heaviness about being Conan o' Brien's friend.

All right, now, what's the heaviness about Nate?

I think you come with a lot.

You are correct.

Yes.

Give the man his prize money's here. Hear the yell back to school Ring the bell Brand new shoes walking loose Climb the fence books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be.

Friends.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there. Welcome to Conan o' Brien needs a friend. I am Conan o', Brien, and sonam session is right next to me drinking a massive glass of water. It is massive. And you're taking this really weird over articulated sip. And then here's Matt Gourley doing creating characters in real time.

I'm sc. Spilling again. And then Eduardo getting mad at us.

Eduardo is very, very strict about liquids getting anywhere near the electrical ports.

Because both of you have spilled water.

Yes. And you have not.

Oh, I'm perfect. I never spilled. I know podcasting. I care about equipment.

You can joke, but it's true. Okay, yeah, you did spill one time. Well, I didn't. Big bag of Deez Nuts. We were listeners. We were chatting ch. Just before we went on mic, Sona was doing tons of Deez Nuts jokes. I became.

During a very important meeting, I became.

Irritated and said, what was the beginning of all the deez nuts thing? We all started trying to plow into how Deez nuts got started. And then, Eduardo, you had a theory.

Yeah.

Dr. Dre on the Chronic album in 1992, had a track called Deez Nuts. Do you think that started it or do you think. Was it before that? Pop culture? I think absolutely. I'm sure it came well before that, but I know that these nuts really took off. When? When did it really take off? Where?

What was the heyday of Deez Nuts?

This is a real nerdy conversation.

Can we have a de's Nuts assance?

You don't analyze DEZ nuts. You just DEZ nuts.

Yeah, you just do it. Now you. You say de's nuts a lot.

I do. I say a lot of, like, guy stuff. Like, suck this.

What?

I don't want to say suck my.

Dick, but I sometimes say, you know.

That is what I say. But I felt really gross being very vulgar right away. But yeah, sometimes I tell people, suck my dick.

Right. And is that a common thing for women to say they have a penis even if they don't have a penis?

No, it's not common. I'm.

I'm so you're an uncommon.

I'm.

I'm unwell, I think is what it is.

So that's a regular thing you've been doing for years, is telling people to suck your dick.

Yeah. And then once on Broad City, Ilana Glaser's character says to another guy, she goes, suck my dick.

Yeah. And did you high five the screen at that moment?

Yeah.

It was not just me.

Yeah.

And so did Kaitlin Olsen's character. And it's always sunny in Philadelphia. This is what I know. Matt knows Star wars and Indiana Jones. You know, the Civil War.

Civil War.

I know suck my dick when a woman says it.

Now, what if our two interests coincided and I was talking about a guy in the Civil War who said suck my dick to General Deez Nuts of the Union Army. Yeah.

General Lando Calrissian was there as well.

Yeah. General Lando Calrissian.

That's cool.

Yeah. And all our wor. Worlds came together and it meant the end of the world. It was matter meeting anti matter. Meaning, what's the matter? Listen, so.

So come on.

What about now? You're a mom now, which still horrifies me. I know what happens if your kids hear you. Maybe they're in their room playing with what Soviet toy your husband gave them. And. What?

You know, that little play with American toys, too.

Oh, now they have those. Wow.

What a country.

Wow.

I came there once and there was a little wind up. Gorbachev with lead paint on just says over and over again, what's happened to the wall? Where's the wall? But you. So anyway, if you're. If you're attack. Are having an argument and the kids hear it and you shout, attack. Suck my dick. These nuts.

I never say it in a serious setting.

Oh, that's okay.

So they're not.

Your house is not a serious setting. I've been to your house. It's not a serious setting.

Yeah, but it's not. Like I say it jokingly, like, suck.

Me dick, you know, and your kids know and your kids know the difference.

Don'T actually have a penis. And it's okay. That's the joke.

Who knows? But my thing is. I know, okay, Check when you get home. But my question is, find one. Yeah. Whoa. Where have you been? I go months at a time without seeing mine.

I censor myself. But during this conversation, like, you know how RoboCop has that readout? I've had all these things come to mind to say, and I have cut every single one of them.

Not me. I don't have one of those. My screen broke a long time ago.

Clearly, I don't either. What are you cutting out? Why would you do that? I don't know.

It's just us, man.

We're just having a good time in a million list.

Why am I the only one who says things like this? If you censor, you can't censor. We can't. We don't censor.

I normally don't.

He normally doesn't. But his not censoring is different than your not censoring. He'll think, oh, I could make Orlando Calrissian.

No, that's not true.

But I think I won't this time because she was saying, but you're thinking about. You're talking about dicks. And. And you know.

And that's why I'm censoring myself, because I was going to say, milk these titties. See, that's why I said, you know what?

You should have censored yourself. I know. It's too late now. I know. But you know what? That's not a saying. You can't just. Can I just say this?

That's going to catch on like wildfire.

No, it's not, because it doesn't roll off the tongue. Milk D. But D's nuts. It's just, bang, it's done.

No, but that's also. You can say that to a lactating woman, but not every woman's lactating. Every guy has nuts. You could say these nuts.

I think Hitler was missing one.

No, that's. I think that's not true.

You could say deez nut if someone's.

Lost one.

But with a D nut.

Milk D's titties, both of you.

Milk. We were talking about. This is very hard to do, Matt, but we were talking about deez nuts, and you took us down the wrong path, which is next to impossible to do on a discussion of deez nuts. Well, wouldn't it be singular? It would be singular on nuts. Wouldn't it be singular? What? How did these nuts get boring? There are adolescent kids right now going, this deez nuts conversation isn't panning out. No, I'm not going to rap.

No. Can we also talk. These nuts came out when? 1992?

Yeah.

I mean, she's been going strong for over 30 years.

He's been going strong.

She's been going strong. That's impressive.

Okay, I want to say before this has taken down another unceremonious path. Just talking about that. We were talking about the beginning of a great American phrase, and I Thought that was a worthwhile discussion and I'm glad that we did it. I don't think milk these titties is going to become a thing. Oh, you'll see. I think we should. I think we should sell team cocoa merch with that phrase on it.

100% of the income of that. Because I not only pointed that.

Should it then be parentheses lower down the te and not de's nuts? Yeah. To incorporate the earlier, more popular phrase to give a turbo boost to the milk these titties.

I don't think it needs it. I think milk these titties works on.

How about we make them both one polyester, one cotton, and we see if it catches on.

You can't milk nuts.

Well, you can, actually. All right, we'll take a break. We just found out that our funding from PBS has been cut. Says right here. And Sonny, you go and read up on some basic biology. Let's get into it. Yeah. Well, my guest today very. I mean, Sona.

What are you.

Sona. I'm sorry, what's that?

Nothing. My RoboCop thing is going off.

Yeah.

And I'm saying no, no, no.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's time to call now. I really want to please. Believe it or not, my guest today is a hilarious comedian who's currently on his Big Dumb eyes world tour. God, he's good. Tickets are available@nate bargazzi.com. we're thrilled he's here today. I love him. Hilarious comedian, lovely fellow. Nate Borgozzi. Welcome. We've known each other a long time. I met you. What was the year that you first came on my Late Night Show?

2008. You're my first late night appearance. Yeah, it was late night coming.

I think I saw somewhere you were describing the experience of pulling up to 30 rock and you hadn't done a late night show before.

No.

Were you NER nervous about that?

Well, you said that. This is where I didn't know New York they go. Limos will come pick you up. But it's just a town car. But I'm from Nashville, so I'm like. You just are throwing the word limo around. I'm expecting a real limo. Yeah, but it was just a town car. You're like, all right. You know, I mean, I was still excited, but it was like, all right. A little deflating. I thought it was gonna be limo.

And then you wanted to put your head through the window like you're on prom night. He was wearing. I remember he came on and he wearing a low cut dress.

Yes. Yeah.

He's all excited for prom in a corsage. Yeah.

They. So then we pulled up front. It was me and my wife. And then all the. There's people got cameras taking pictures of the guests that are going to be on Conan the coming out of the car. And so right when they pull up, I'm like, ah, this is not going to be good, you know, because I'm just. My first time doing late night there. Julie Lewis Dreyfus, I think, was on the show. So they're looking for that. And then I come out and right when I walk out, one of them goes, it's nobody. And. Yeah. And then. And then one. One guy did take a picture. He didn't even hold it up to his eye to make sure. He just kind of held it down.

Shot it from his chest.

Yeah. And he goes, I guess just because he saw me, he's like, yeah, might as well just see if some. Maybe some.

And then you can hear him press delete.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's a very audible sound. Trust me. Many a paparazzi has deleted the. While I'm standing there, you know what.

Happened too, on my first one with you? Because I always said with comedians, if we mess up on stage because you're up there alone. And so when you usually, like, right when you get off stage, if you did said something wrong, you're saying it to whoever. The first person comes near you because you just haven't talked to anybody. And I messed up. No one would even be able to tell. But in my head, I knew I messed up a joke. And when you came over and you're like, neighbor gets you. And you're like, all right, whatever. And then you shake your hand again. I go back to you. I think I messed up that one joke. And you're like, I don't. All right. And then we just walked back. Like there was. It wasn't like it was a. You know, it was like I stumbled a word.

Yeah, yeah.

But I remember just. I always tell people that story. Like the first thing I said to Conan when he comes over, I'm like, I think I messed up. You're like, I don't. All right, it's all good.

It's all good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But also, I'm a huge fan of yours. And it's nice. Cause I've encountered you a bunch of times out in the world. You were at the SNL 50th, and I don't know if you remember. I mean, I certainly remember it, but I got Invited by Martin Short. Like, do you want to come have dinner with Steve and I are going to have some caviar and champagne the night before the 50th, you know, to sort of pre game. I thought he was joking about the caviar and champagne. And I show up and it's the two of them there, and you're there too. And I don't know about you, but I will never be jaded about Steve Martin and Martin Short. Do you know what I mean? And so I was just, I think, like, you just happy to be there?

You know, I was, yeah. I just happened upon. I was walking out and they were like, hey, we're going up to have dinner. They didn't. I didn't. They didn't tell me you were coming. And they just said, we're going up to have dinner. And I was, yeah. And they're like. And I was actually funny. I was. I was going to meet Spade.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you're like, all right, let me go out there. And like, I just went up there, sell them a little bit. And I'm kind of like, I gotta, you know, I gotta get out of here.

Yeah.

And. But it's crazy because you're talking to Steve Martin, Martin Short, and then Conan, then you come and then you're like. I mean, it's just sitting there. You're like, this is the most thrilled dinner. I've never had caviar. That's the first time I had caviar.

I'm not a fan of caviar. Were you. Did you like it?

I liked it there, But I could have been swept up in the moment. I'm not against.

It's off brand for you.

Yes, yes. And I could have just been in that moment being like, it's the best thing ever.

I was really happy because we got to hang out a little there. And then after the Oscars, I go to this afternoon party, I think it was a Vanity Fair party. And I run into you and a friend, and we just. I think I talked to you guys for a long time. I was. I felt like, safe with you guys. Like, this will be nice. I can hang out with these guys.

We did too. Yeah. I think comedians are kind of just tend to go. I don't. You know, because when you had those parties, you're like, I don't know what I'm going to say to.

Yeah, yeah.

Half these actors. Like, I don't. You know, it's like. But with us, we just went over there and we all just hung Out. And it was the best. Yeah. Just found a corner and then just.

Chewed the fat was really fun.

There's a safety when you fill it with other comedians that you're like, you know, you're not gonna say anything wrong where that no one's gonna get mad or not that.

Two things that were wrong and I got real mad. Yeah, yeah.

But those are. You know.

You said my lips are thin and unappealing.

Yeah, I know.

Talk about my prominent eye vein.

That's what I told my buddy Nick. I go, I think we gotta get out of here. Conan's pretty upset.

I've been delighted for everything you've made happen. You are spectacularly funny. You talk a lot about how you're all about normal. You're just a normal person. You're exactly average. And I think you've been very good at comedically exploring that realm. And I understand what you're saying, but you're also not. You are insanely talented. When I watch you do comedy, you have such a natural style that I don't think your heart rate increases at all. When you go from backstage to you get up on stage, I think you burn maybe 3 calories the whole set.

Definitely. I put on calories.

I'm always watching you gain weight. Usually around the middle.

He's getting bigger by the end of it.

But, you know, there's. And there's such a economy of words. There's not a wasted word anywhere in there, but it appears as if you're just talking about what's on your mind. And I know there's a lot of thinking and work that goes into that, but you make it look like anyone can do this. And I think that in that way, you are anything but average. I think you are quite singular in your ability to.

On the greatest. Average.

Yes, you are.

That's what I have a special called the Great Savage America.

Yeah, I was talking about Tennessee with.

Well, then, thank you for saying all that stuff.

Okay.

That's not. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You're gonna go into, like, a Tennessee bit now. I don't even address it.

I'm not gonna do a bit. I wasn't gonna do a bit. Hold on a second. Let me black out this tooth.

Yeah.

If those revenuers come from us. Still there. I had to get that out. Yeah, no, it was good. Well, I meant everything I said, but I also. I love how I don't think so many people are altered by fame. You seem like someone who has not changed in any way.

I hope not. I Mean, it's. Yeah. You just do crazy things. I live in Nashville. I live. We live in a cul de sac. Like, I mean, we keep everything as normal as we can. Yeah. And moving back home was a big part of that. But I appreciate that about the words because it is. It is conversational. And people think it's just like I'm up there just talking. But it's. I'm not a great. I've never was a crowd work person. I can't. I'm not good with. I don't like. I like knowing what I'm doing. It's very planned, and I know what I'm gonna get on with, get out with. I make sure it's all trained like it is. Yeah. It's a whole.

Well, I'm gonna be boring for a second because this is something I want to know. And sometimes I think there might be people out there that think, oh, don't you know when Conan talks about comedy? Or they might think it gets too nerdy and in the weeds. But I'd love to know what your process is. Do you. When you think of these ideas, do you sit down and write it out? Or is this something. And you edit it and you work it, or how does it work? How does Nate Borgazzi do this?

I write the. A lot of times I come up with the funny part first. Yeah. And so I'll put that maybe in my notes on my phone, but I don't write out outside of that. Then I just think about it and I just. And I'm really big on how you present it in the transitions and how you get. I think that's something that I've learned over time, that it's like the jokes. You know, when you write a script or anything where you want to go. Joke jokes are the easiest thing for comedians especially. It's like, that's going to be easy. We can go throw a script down and Everybody can pitch 500 jokes on it. But it's making it make sense and making it flow, and that's gotta flow. And that's the part that I'll let it sit in my head. I just kind of think about it all day, and I just. Like, there'd be different times. I'm like, oh, you know what? I'll put that there. And maybe I grab one little. I had a joke, the big one that I talked about. So I had a joke buying iced coffee with milk at Starbucks that everybody talks about.

So I tried originally write a. Come up with a joke about how and with milk, you don't buy it. Like, I never have it unless, like, a woman was in my house. So my mom, we had milk. And then the little bit. The hour I was lived alone till I met my wife, there was no milk. And then back with my wife, now we have milk.

Yeah.

So it was just. I try to make that a whole.

This is the service women provide.

Yes.

With them comes milk in many ways.

Yeah. They're good. This is what. They have milk. So it's like, very. It's just in them, you know.

Ironic that the providers of milk also insist milk be present. But anyway, we'll get into that later.

This is funny. This is the part I go, no, you can leave this in. Yeah, I let you leave. Yeah. But anyway, so it was some. It was the idea of that. And then I could never make it work as its own joke. So in that Starbucks joke, I just. I put like, I've never bought milk publicly in the history of my life. So all of that whole. You hope it's going to be this big chunk, and it's not.

Yeah.

And it becomes one sentence in a story, but that. It really expands that story. So I grab a lot of stuff for parts. And you go, all right, well, I can't. That's. Obviously. It's not good. It didn't work as good as. This is the best it's ever worked.

To be honest, by the way. It's.

Yeah.

And so on is a tough audience. He said, lying. You talk about little jokes.

You had a.

It's a small. It's not like a big hunk. But you have this small run where you talk about how you'd be a terrible time traveler because you'd go back in time and you wouldn't be able to prove that you were from the future. Cause you don't know how anything works. And I. The minute you laid out the premise, I, like, lay down on the floor and said, okay, I love this premise because it's true. I mean, I love jokes about history, and I'm kind of fascinated by history. I work that vein a lot. But I also know that if they sent me back in time, I would be a little used. But you talk about how you couldn't prove it because you'd say, oh, no, we have something called cell phones. Well, how do they work? I don't know. And I thought the ideas are so fantastic because, A, they're true and they're really elegant. And you obviously, you put yourself down a lot, which appeals to me because I was always Very comfortable making fun of myself. If I do find out that I've hurt someone's feelings. If I ever found out that I really did bother Matt or Sona, I think I would be sick to my stomach.

Oh, yeah, we should tell you then.

Some things. Can't hear you. Eduardo just killed the. Something's wrong.

I can hear him just fine.

No, no, I can hear him. No, I think it's on the wire on my end.

We'll just start making a list.

But anyway, I know that I agree with that.

Yeah, I would feel more mortified if I hurt someone's feelings. And that's why I was. I always wrote it inwardly, like, if you make fun of yourself, you can go as far as you want, but there's. There's a. There is a something. You gotta. You can't. You gotta. You can make fun of yourself, but you. You have to do it. You just have to show love is what I've learned over time. So, like, even if you talk about your family or wife or even yourself, you have to at least show some love or people won't go with it. When I first started doing jokes about my wife, which is. It was. I could tell when they. When I was younger, they were like, well, why are you even married? You're like, well, this is not coming out the way it's supposed to be coming out. Then, yeah, I need to. And you have to have that balance where I can make fun of her, but me. And I kind of do it through me a little bit more. And as long as you're making fun of yourself and putting yourself as the, you know, the loser, I think you're right.

When you talk about love coming out of it, affection, being good natured about it, I think those are all crucial. And you can't come up with that as a formula. That I think has to be in you. That has to be part of your personality. And I know you were raised. I mean, you've talked a lot about it. There's probably nothing I can bring up on this podcast that you haven't discussed, but your childhood, your parents having really strong values and imparting that to you.

Yeah, yeah.

You did this. I mean, this great thing that I thought was hilarious where you're over at friends houses and you're watching. They're gonna watch a movie.

That's Friday 13th.

Friday the 13th. And you stood up and said, I cannot watch this. You do the jokes. It's really.

I mean, I forgot blanking on it now.

Oh, you say, I know.

I Say, I'm not allowed to. I don't think I'm allowed to watch this.

Yeah. And you're.

And I thought other people would join in.

Yeah.

And you stood up and said we were not 17. Like it said we're supposed to be.

Right. You were 16 and a half.

Yeah.

But my favorite part, you say that and the, the woman the. Comes in and says, well, maybe we just don't tell your parents. And you say, well, that's gonna be hard because I just phoned them and they're on their way. Such a great joke.

Yeah.

Your stuff is really funny and I don't see crazy exaggeration in there. A lot of it feels true. I will crazily exaggerate when it's necessary, but I have found that the hardest laughs come out of something that really happened.

Yeah. Yeah, it's. And that's the fun part is like trying to figure out how to. Because you can have little moments. And so how do you. Like even in that moment is like, it's a funny idea that the kid that I called my parents and I went home is what really happened. And then. But then it's like, how do you tell that in a way that's like not just a fun. You know, like your friend at his school. Oh, my kid went into this real fast. Yeah. So it's. And that's the presentation of it. And like tell them on the journeys, like. Because it's one little thing that you're like, everybody's had happen to them, but it's. How do you package it so they go along with it. You know, one joke that I had that I wouldn't tell you is when I did when you were here in la, when you first in TBS and I had a joke about getting in a fight, my buddy took a. We took a bite out of his hamburger and then he thought some. He just immediately thought someone else did it at the restaurant and he got.

Got up to go fight him and we had to like calm him down. And it's a. It's a whole story with. And. But I. This was back when I. I sent that joke into Letterman to do it and they told me it was mundane and so I had to look up. I didn't know what mundane meant. And so I was in my head, I'm like, I bet it's not great. Like, I don't.

You know, I picture you carrying a dictionary.

Oh, yeah.

I was on a rope around your neck.

I looked at it. So mundane. Wasn't good. It wasn't A flattering thing. But then I was, you know, I think I just did yours. I couldn't do that. You swept me doing all these late nights. But then I went to you and you let me do it. And that always meant the most to me because I told Letterman this. He was mortified. Like, I'm glad. I was glad to, like, it felt. It was like I, you know, because there was a joke that I was like. Once I learned what mundane meant, I was like, well, I don't think it's that. Yeah, but it's you. You've always let comics us come on your show and do stand up and very pro standup.

And so you were, oh, well, I'm glad it all worked out the way my perspective is always different. I've had standups, many standups thank me for their time on the show. And I think, what are you talking about? You came in Nate four times and you were really funny for six minutes. Made the show better and brought your talent and put your shoulder to the wheel. And that was six minutes that I didn't have to sweat. So it's not that I didn't. You were doing me a favor, too.

That's true.

You should present me. And frankly, I found that story very mundane.

He told every all the writers. We got a mundane one tonight.

I think I said it in your intro. Our next mundane comic hails from Old Hickory, Tennessee.

Don't worry, folks. He doesn't know what that means. I come out. Thank you.

Know, this reminds me of this great. Thank you. You came up and you were holding the dictionary like, what? You remind me a lot. And this is the highest compliment I can pay any standup or any comedian. You remind me a lot of Bob Newhart in that your stuff is. I'm sure you've heard this before, but very seemingly simple and delivered very quietly and as if it's just occurring to you in a very humble way with a straight face. And the jokes are beautiful. And you just reminded me of a Bob Newhart joke. Bob Newhart has this joke which is, you know, I don't really like country music, but I don't want to condescend to those people who do. And by the way, if you like country music, condescend means to talk down to. And I always thought, like, that is a perfect. I've said this before, but a really good joke, you can riff and you can goof around and it's like, there can be a good spirit to it, but it's free. It's like packing peanuts. That come when you open a box. There's not much to it. A really good joke feels like a diamond in your hand.

It has weight. It's like a little gold ingot. You can feel it. That's a joke. Newhart's joke. And your jokes feel like, oh, no, no, no. This has actual value. You can write this on a stone and hand it to people in, like, 500 years from now, it's still gonna be funny. You've got so many of them. You're crazily prolific. And I think one of the times you came on our show, you had. I think you came on a second time or a third time pretty quickly after.

After the first time.

After the first time, you came back pretty soon, and. And people were saying, well, you can't come back that quickly because how many manager told me.

I didn't tell him. They. They. Well, you just had Melanie, so this is a long term. Lainey just did it. And Lainey came back pretty quick. Like, I mean, like. Like, you know, three months or something like that. And so then y' all were doing more auditions. This comedy club, Eastville. And I was like, oh, I want to try to do it again. And my manager at the time, which they were great. I mean, they like.

But they.

They're. They're. They're like some of my favorite managers, but they all just is back in the day, New York days. And they were. They go, you can do it again. And I was like, why not? And they go. They don't let people come back. I go, well, John Mulaney just came back, not saying I was even Melania, but just, like, being like, well, I.

Just give it a shot. Give it a shot.

And so they go, no. And then I just got that. I was like, well, I'm gonna go try to get on the thing. So I just did the. I went and did it and the audition, and I got it without them. They found out I wasn't gonna tell them. I was just trying to see if I could get on the show and then have them find out. Out with me on the show, because they. They have. My own managers were like, no, it was very funny to be your own. Your own team's like, I wouldn't even try again because we got lucky with that first one. So let's not. Let's not push it.

You should probably just. Yeah, you should go work at the.

Steel mill now, because John Mulaney did it. You're no John Mulaney.

Yeah.

All right. I think we know what we're talking.

These are great managers. You want to do comic comedy some more? Yeah, Isn't it something you do once and then you work the fields?

They were. They're the best.

Sure. Yeah. And I guess you're still not with them.

No, I'm not with them anymore.

Well, I guess they really are the best, then.

They're the best.

It's.

I had the most fun stories. Like, it's. It's like they're. You know, it's. When you first get managers.

Yeah.

You're like, they're. They're just very fun stories. And so then I went and did it, and then Conan, your people called, which I didn't know they were gonna do, and they go, all right, we got Nate tonight on and whatever. And so then he's like, so you got it? I go, well, you told me I couldn't do it again. And so then he came down, and he was. And then we did it, and he.

Took a commission on the thing that he didn't get you.

I like it.

Trust me. I've had my experience with that in the early days. You can't do that. Oh, I understand. It's happening. Send the check to 1515 Wilshire Boulevard. Okay. You called me a loser. Yes, you are. Send the check just to me, not to anyone else.

So I used to have another manager that, when I first got it, I would call his office, and his. His. His wife was the secretary. And then he would answer the phone, or she would answer it, like, let me see if he's in. And it would be like 35 seconds a minute. You'd be waiting, and then she'd be like, he's not here. And then one day, he invites me to his office. His office is in his garage, and her desk is touching his desk. So then you're like, where were you for the minute? And then I. It was. And I had another one where the guy would. He would answer his phone, and you could tell it was his voice, and he'd be like, answering for his name. And then you'd be like, oh, is he there? Nate calling. He goes, let me see if he's. And then you hang up. And again you wait a minute, and he goes, hey, this is. Yeah, I'm in. You're like, yeah, that was you. You're acting like your own secretary.

I used to love in the old days, it was fun. I would, when I got treated like that, to say, was it someone else's turn with the phone booth? Like, I was pictured, these people in a phone Booth. Yes, yes, it's quite busy here at Talent. Company called it a good time. Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy. You've had that your third quarter. When are you gonna get out of the way so I can make my call? My wife's in labor. My wife's in labor. Come on. Well, the reason most people don't repeat that quickly is that they build up a really good set, and it takes a long time for the well to refill. And to your credit, you're. And I'll say this about John Mulaney, too. You guys are crazily prolific. Which brings me to my next point. You have had I can't walk five feet in America without seeing your face. You are a huge success, and I'm wondering how you're processing all of that.

Yeah, it's very different. I think you get used to it or you're not used to it, but, you know, some of the hardest parts of this is when you don't know if they know you, because then I can't. I don't know what to do. I'm either going to be a lunatic to this person, or, like, why is he acting like he has control of the whole room? Or are they our fans? I don't know. So I always thought, well, if I can get everybody to know, then I'm a little more in control. So if you walk in a room, you can just be like, hey, what's up? And you kind of know they know you. So you can kind of make everybody feel like a fun room, and we're all friends. And so when you're in that middle phase, where it is straight up 50, 50, if you. I can't tell if. Are they. You know? Do they know? And then you'll be like, oh, I'm a comedian. They're like, yeah, I know. And you're like, well, you gave off. Like you didn't know at all.

Right?

And so I.

You're screwed either way. If you say, hi, yeah, I ordered a coffee, and it's for Nate Bergotzi. Yeah, we know. Yeah, you're Nate. And so. But if you say, we. I ordered a coffee, and I think you know who I am. You're a dick, too.

Yes. Yes. It's a hard balance in an overall perspective, how I try to handle it. That's a deeper feeling, is I really try to remind myself that it's not about me. And so I'm living a life of service. Right before I go on stage, I remind myself, this has nothing to do with me. This is not about me. It's not a celebration of me. It's a show for everybody in that crowd, and I need to do the best show for them. That's great. And so that. That's how I. I've. I. I learned that once I. I did. So starting out, I always wanted to play Bridgestone arena in Nashville, and it's our arena. And so, you know, 20 years, I, like, I didn't really think I would get there, but I kind of daydreamed, you know, I was handing out flyers in New York City and all this stuff, and you're coming up and you're like, oh, man, what if I can do this one day? And then that was sort of the.

Bucket list thing I want to do. Bridgestone Arena.

Yeah, yeah. It was just kind of far away. And you. You know, it's kind of daydream. It's like, I'm not. It's a. It's a goal that your. Your goals should actually be simple. They should be like, you'd be embarrassed if you can't get them. And then your dream should be embarrassed to say them out loud. And so you just kind of have. Your goals are like, I'm trying not to hand out flyers. Yeah. Well, what do I got to do to stop that? And that's a. That's a realistic goal because you're like, it's just a guy.

One level. It's achievable. Right?

And so you can then figure out, all right, I got to do this. How do you get on late night? And then once you get in late and you're like, all right, I've kind of got in. So if I keep doing late night and get TV cred credits, I can do cruise ships if I have to. Like, you can do whatever with, you know? But then when I did Bridgestone and we sold the most tickets ever, 250 people. 250 people. It's a big room.

I just looked it up.

It's a very.

He says arena, and that's cute, but it's actually.

It'S. It's a horse arena. That. There you go.

And I'll see about a small dream.

Yeah.

No. How many people is it? Bridgestone Arena.

It's 19,360 up. And then. So. But it's that night I remember having a feeling of like. Like, what. What am I like? What do you. You know, I've been looking at that dream for 20 years. And so then you're like, well, what is there? What am I looking at now? You know? And Then you just got to kind of find. And what I've started with, like my nat Land company is like, you just find something else that you, you realize like, oh, I need to have something else. Yeah. And you put it out there, then have a daydream and do the same. Do the same thing. See if it happens.

This is amazing. You're gonna make you call it an amusement park.

Yeah, I guess. I guess I'm gonna find out. I'm gonna call it.

This was not amusing at all. Yeah, I was not amused.

We want to be a decent park.

Yeah.

Just where people.

You set the bar low.

Yeah, yeah.

A place you can go.

We're a little bit above a Buc EE's. Like it's Buc EE's. Then we're just a little bit above.

Bucky's, a B amusement park.

Well, I mean, good luck with that. And yeah, I just love the idea of you looking at different. People are going to be making sketches and drawings of different rides and things and you're going to be saying, nah, no. Or a little more. This.

A little bit more steeper.

Yeah, steeper.

More dangerous.

More dangerous.

Is there a mascot? Is there going to be like a mascot of you?

I don't know. Look, I mean, this is so. This is. We're very early. Obviously. This could all crumble and fall apart and goes nowhere. The idea of it is like theaters. I don't think theaters are like, you know, they're not going away. Like, people love going out and to do stuff and there's just not stuff for them to go do. So if you can go make movies where a family can go out. I love taking my daughter to the movies. It's a great experience. A lot of this Hollywood. I was Hollywood out here. But they've gotten so far off where they're either making an animated movie or a horror movie and there's nothing really to go to. And then a lot of stuff's on Netflix. Not so you just kind of at home. So I think experiences is something that, you know, you're seeing. Even younger kids really want to do experiences. They want to go do something. You know, the idea of like my. We used to get dropped off at the theme park at Opryland and you could just go hang out with your friends all day and you want to like. I want to give that to a parent because that's like, even for that kid, like they get to go be around their 15 year old friends and.

Yeah, it's part of growing up and it's the Fun aspect and have a safe place for them to go do that where, you know, you, you know, you can trust they can do it. Like, you know, I like the old timey, like people worked at Ford, their whole family worked for Ford. Like, you know, the idea of that where people just worked at this company and they had real pride, you see, like a older person that worked for like a Ford. They will defend Ford to their death. And I like, I loved, I love the like pride of whatever they did that it was like a company.

My first car that I bought was a Ford and the first new car.

That I had, I had a lot.

Of, of crappy old cars.

Your Ford Taurus.

My Ford Taurus, yeah. And guess what? They just found it. Okay.

It was involved in a crime.

Did you try to take it for insurance reasons?

I'm telling you, this is a true story. Three days ago, I get a message from Jason Chloe, who's been with me forever, who's my right hand. And he said, he said he knew someone who worked over at Warner Brothers. And he asked them to drop by their parking garage and just look around. And they sent back photos of the 92 Ford Taurus that I owned that I had through. I got that show. I mean, I got that show. It is a show. It's a super high output. I got that Ford Taurus. I got that Ford taurus when my 20s and I had submitted a packet to the Simpsons and didn't know it was going to happen. And I was so cautious about money. But I just decided, I'm getting a new car and I get a 92 Ford Taurus. And then I got the job at the Simpsons. So that became my car in la. And I had all these adventures in that car and it became a standard thing that everyone knew about me.

Yeah.

And it always got a laugh. It would come up a lot of times with celebrities where they would say, well, I drive a. I just got a new Ferrari or something. They go, what do you drive, Conan? I'd say 1992 Ford Taurus SHO, super high output. And it would get a laugh. And I'd be like, no, I'm being honest. That's what I really have.

What are you gonna do with it now that you.

I wanna get it. I wanna chronicle this, but I want to get it rehabbed and bring it back. And I'm so excited. It is covered in grime. This person took photos, which we can post. It is covered in dust, but it's got its inspection sticker from 1992.

Yeah, it was just on a lot.

It's in the parking garage at this moment at Warner Brothers. I don't know why they haven't towed it away. We did a bit with it when I went through the whole Tonight show thing where I'm coming to work and I assure the audience. I think he has a little tension with NBC right now. And we shot this thing where I pull in to the parking lot and suddenly all this gunfire breaks out and all these squibs went off in my car, and it blew holes in my car.

Are those holes still there?

Their holes are still there. And its claim to fame is that the clutch is stripped because Brad Pitt did a bit with it once and got in it and. And peeled out, which I didn't know he was going to do. It's got a stick shift, and it's this Ford Taurus with a stick shift. That's the novelty. And he peeled out in this thing like the F1 Superman that he is. And later on I noticed, oh, the clutch is all fucked. Brad Pitt fucked up my Ford Taurus. And who can say that Brad Pitt fucked up my Ford Taurus? So I want to bring it back. Maybe you and I will take a ride around.

Yeah, I would love it. I like a stick shift. I have a stick shift.

I do, too.

Yeah, I had a joke. If you ever want to. If you want to valet and leave your car up front, just drive a stick ship. Because they don't.

They don't want to, like, I mean.

No, if they're younger, they don't know how to do it. And if they're lucky, they got, like, a cook in the kitchen that's like. That hasn't done, like. He goes out, he's like, all right, everybody turn around. Don't look at me. No one. No one look at what I'm doing. Because he's got to get back into it. He used to. It's how he learned. But he's like, give me a second. It's been a while. Turn your backs.

Hold on. Put buckets over your heads. I have to ask you, because a couple things. One, you talk a lot about these restaurants that were your favorites when you were a kid, and they're still your favorites. Like, you talk a lot about Applebee's, places like that. And I was thinking, I relate to this because when I first came out to la, I think I was pretty. I was not a worldly person. But I remember when I first. When I get out of college, I come out to la, and I was so excited There was a Denny's across the street from where I worked. And I could. I remembered it dawning on me, no one's in charge of me anymore. And I'm making my own money. I can go to Denny's anytime I want. And I felt like I was the King of the Nile, you know, I felt like the greatest. And I would go over there, and I'd be like, I'll have an extra large Coke, and no one can stop me. And I'm 22. You'd think I'd have been a little more sophisticated, but I've always had a soft spot.

I relate to those places so much. I think I have a big problem because of that reason. Like, it was like getting all this fast food. I like. Not that you can't eat it, but I eat it so much. And it's that aspect, because no one can tell me I can't do it. Because growing up, if you went to McDonald's or went out to eat, it was kind of like a. A big night. It wasn't like you weren't. You weren't getting it all the time, right? So it was a big deal. And then once I. You live on your own and you make your own money, and then you're like, well, I just got. I mean, I can go to McDonald's, like, at any point. And now we've got down a little slippery slope.

I had. My dad was a lovely man and never got angry, but when he did get angry, it was always about the smallest thing. And I remember my brother Justin tells me this story, but he got us food from McDonald's, and we came in and we were. I mean, again, I cannot stress enough what a lovely man my dad was. And. But he starts unpacking all the McDonald's food, and then he realizes he got the Chicken McNuggets, but the guy forgot to put sauce in. And he's looking around for the sauce, and he's getting more and more uptight. And you can see him gritting his teeth. And then he. He opens up the bag, and the kid forgot to put the sauce in. And he just. He starts shiv. Like, shivering with anger, and he just swe. This is a guy who. If I came in and said, dad, I just totaled the family station wagon, he'd be like, well, I'm glad you're safe. Yeah, but it was the smallest thing. Jesus, if you wrap your head.

Because once you accept that, you're gonna do this, too, it's like, that's what's so frustrating. When you're like, I'm gonna eat chicken nuggets, I was like, ah, honey mustard.

Am I gonna have that sweet and sour sauce?

Whatever. Sweet and sour sauce. Whatever. They got hot mustard. I'm a big fan of. But then. Yeah. And you just have it all pictured, and then when it's not there. The only reason you're eating chicken nuggets is for the sauce.

Yeah.

You're not eating them.

They're just a vest. Yeah. Yeah. Chicken anywhere.

Eat a dry nug.

Yeah.

Hard pass.

Are your. Yeah. Your house ketchup. Like, you're just, like, so disappointing.

No, I know that my dad, a very good man, is. Is in heaven right now, and. And God is saying to him, you led an exemplary life. But about the McNuggets moment. And my dad is probably holding his ground. This guy's a shooting.

Yeah.

He's in heaven. He's just eating all the sauce.

But you know what makes my dad angry? The guy's up there, too. He died two years later in a terrible shootout. I made that up. I don't know what happened to that kid. They have one job. Murdered him.

God, they have one job.

Yeah. I have to bring up what I believe is the Washington sketches. They gotta be in the Smithsonian. Those are works of art. I was blown away by that, as was everyone. I was so happy that it went viral. I was curious before this interview, and I checked it out. It's like 28 million people have watched it. I mean, it's just. And it's great because it's all true. That's what I love about it. It's all true. And in that Newhart spirit. All of it is exactly accurate. And it's touching on some really powerful stuff with Kenan. And it's done just perfectly. It's just. It's really.

Yeah. I was Streeter and Mikey Streeter, Sidell. Mikey Day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just great. Just really great. And is it fun when you go out there with a sketch that good? It must be really fun to do that in front of a crowd at snl.

Yeah. Well, that sketch, especially the first time, you know, well, it almost didn't make it because during the table read, I did it, and I'm like, I'm so. I. I just, you know, used to performing for a live audience, so when it's just everybody's kind of quiet and you're reading it like, I'm not reading it. Very fun because it's like. It's just awkward. And so when we got. For the dress rehearsals, it Was on the maybe side. And I really liked it. And I was like. Because I knew. I was like, it'll do good once I'm in front of a crowd. Like, I just need, like, timing, you know, it's hard to have timing. And Lauren put it in at the. He was like, all right, we can try it last. And then we tried it last. And dressers on the destroyed. And then move up to the third.

Now, here's my pet peeve. Did Lauren enunciate? He. Lauren reads the stage directions at the read through.

Yeah.

Did he enunciate or was he eating food at the time?

He gives popcorn. Little popcorn.

Popcorn. He used to have popcorn. And he used to have, like, carrots. And you'd work all night on a sketch and be like, this is a perfect sketch. And then I'd forget. It depends. But Lauren, if he was in a. Having the little hankering for something, you know, like, we open on and then crunch, crunch, crunch.

I love that you still remember that.

Oh, I do. And I, like, swallow and then say the directions. And it'd be a key direction, like, what the audience sees immediately that he's dressed as an astronaut. And Lord would say the audience sees immediately. And then people aren't laughing because they don't know he's an astronaut.

They don't know he's an astronaut. Why is he in space?

Yeah, exactly.

It's a moon landing skit.

No reason. Read. Read it yourself. Don't just listen to Lorne. Yeah. If he had been eating, they wouldn't have known that you're George Washington and you're talking to the troops. Hello, my people. This isn't funny.

This blows.

Who cares about weights and measures? Hey, you're hosting the Emmys.

I am.

They are very lucky to have you. And you're going to have a blast.

I'm excited. That's what I want to. Yeah. Talked about you killed it on the Oscars. So it was. It was very fun that night, too, to see you. Just because it was, like, so perfect and it was so fun. And then it was like that. It seemed like after that party, like, you're just like, oh, yeah. You know when you're like, this dude killed it. Like, it was the best.

That was nice.

That was fun. And. Yeah.

But the Bing. You're gonna. You're. They're fortunate. We're in an era where not everybody. The good people don't always get to do. Do it. And I think it's great that you're doing it. I think you're gonna have. You're gonna have a really fun time, and people are gonna be very happy that you're doing it so well.

Thank you. Yeah, I'm excited. Is there any, like, you know, I've not watched all the shows. That's the. That's the part I gotta get on that.

Oh, yeah, you gotta watch the shows.

And I know this. I mean, I know generally.

Yeah, you just.

I've seen all the commercials. I feel like that should count. Is that enough?

Yeah, Just only the commercials.

Yeah.

You should do all your jokes about the commercials that air around the shows.

Yeah.

Yeah. Because if you make yourself happy, it's going to be fantastic. And that's the only thing, the only trick is make yourself happy.

We have some pretty fun ideas for some stuff, so I'm looking forward to it. And it's. The monolog is, you know, that's just with kind of doing standup. So it's like, I'm looking at. Luckily, I've had. I had a couple jokes that I had that kind of can fit in this kind of scenario. So then you're gonna be able to put that in there and just really work on the monolog. And, you know, it's like, I think we have some sketch stuff because you don't have as much time as you now think. That's what's. I think it's like 12 minutes or something like that.

You know what the thing is, it's not total. Yeah.

So that's like, like. And it's.

Well, I think you can get more. Because you're Nate Bragazzi. I think you can get more time, but.

Yeah. You don't want to be there.

No, exactly. But the other thing is, I always remind myself the times I've done award shows, when I would do the Emmys or when the Oscars. I'd always remind myself, this is not my show. This show is about other people. I'm here to perform a very specific job. Cause people would come up to me and say, hey, why don't you switch the categories of, like, hey, it's not my. You know, how come this takes so long? Or what was that about? I'm like, it's not my show. My job is to just do the best I can with the time I have and really try and make it fun. And so, yeah, it's not a lot of time. When you boil it down, it's less time than people think it is.

Yeah.

But you're going to have. You're going to have a great night, and you should just enjoy it.

I tell you what, I've been very happy with cbs, like, because, like, we had joke. We were shooting some promos and some of the jokes that they, that some of the producers and they have written were very, very funny and self deprecating. And I could tell they were written with me in mind.

Yeah.

Like, so I was very, you know, excited to be like, you know what? I think CBS is like, they get. Get it and they're gonna at least for this image, like, they're, they understand and like they're being like, yeah, just go be you. And I don't feel like there's any, you know, just from that phase of. And the promos we shot were very funny.

I think they're. It's real simple.

Yeah.

They know that they have a great host. They do. They know that. And they want you to be happy. So make yourself happy with everything you do in this show. And it's gonna be the best Emmys ever. Seriously. So honor to have you here. I'm so happy for you.

Thank you.

You're a great guy and you're crazily talented and I'd love to. I'm going to get that Taurus repurposed and I'm taking you to the Denny's and Gower Gulch in Hollywood, which is where I used to go back in 1985 when I was just getting started.

Oh, yeah.

And it was. And I ate hundreds of pounds of food there very quickly.

Exactly the same, too. They haven't redone anything to that place.

I thought I went back when we were doing the podcast. You and I went back.

Yeah, we did.

And we had a feast.

Yeah.

This was like four years ago. Son and I were in this Denny's four years ago, and we had a blast.

Yeah, it was fun.

And I was like, you know, I used to come here and they're like, we don't care. Yeah, I sat right over there. Okay. Knock yourself out, Conan. But continued success with everything.

Hey, thank you so much.

Please come back anytime you want to talk about anything because I'm a. Your biggest fan.

Yeah, I would love that. Thank you. Thank you for everything you've done in my career. You played way more of a part than you might think you did, but you've played a giant part in my career.

So I'm very aware of what I've done for you. And now that you're in the big money, I want compensation. $600.

I'll fix the clutch. I'll fix the clutch on the torch Deep Hit the clutch.

Yeah. All right, Nate. Take care.

Yeah, but.

Three, two, and we're back. We're back. And this is now a segment out of nowhere that's happening because Sona won't stop talking about this. Sona goes back on the attack about how you can't milk these nuts. I explained that. Yeah, I think you can. Matt, this is quite unusual. Came in on my side. And then, Eduardo, I said, sorry, I'm in tears over what place. Well, let's. We gotta cover that, guys. Let's reconstruct what just happened in Dealey Plaza so that the listeners know what's happening.

Get out the red yard. Darn.

Go ahead. In Spanish, you know. Are you gonna be okay, Eduardo? Yes, it's. You're crying. It's referred to as leche. It is. What is it? You know, sperm. Male sperm is referred to as. It's referred to as milk.

Yeah, but why are you quibbling? Because your whole thesis is premised upon the fact that you're a woman saying, suck my dick.

No, I'm saying you can't milk a dick.

But you. You can. But you can't suck your dick. I can't worry. Whose side are you on? I'm uncoated.

The United States of. I understand what they do in Mexico, but you can't.

It's metaphorical.

No one. No guy says, boob milk this, bitch.

You don't know that. What are guys that work on the farm routinely probably refer. You know, who knows what they say? But what.

I'm.

Blay. What did you have?

Blay came in very earnestly.

I was just saying they have almond milk. They have a thing called almond milk. The milk of the nut. The milk of the nut. You're referring to the testicles as the nuts, and they have their own. I know he is, but what I'm saying is he. Blay has come in with the proof that nuts can yield milk. That's right. We now have the evidence that in Mexico.

Yes.

Courtesy of Eduardo America, by the way, sperm is called. Referred to sometimes as leche.

So it's literal and figuratively. There's precedence.

There's.

Literal and figurative.

You can't. But no, I'm saying you can't say it in, like, a sexual way. Like, hey, I have a bag of almond milk.

Why can't you.

She's nuts.

Why can't you? Yeah, why can't you?

Because we're talking about it in the sexual. I don't say suck my dick in, like a. Like a. Like a dick is A guy I'm with and I'm like, suck dick.

What? What are you. Are you having a breakdown? I know, but what is your problem? We weren't speaking sexually. We were just. You were.

You were saying milk these nuts in a sexual way.

You meant.

You meant. You meant jizz it.

Jizz it. You mean milk. What's wrong with you? Jizz it. I was simply saying. And it wasn't in a sexual way. It was someone who had gone to, you know, a center to have their sperm harvested so that they could use it to one day have a child.

Not me.

And farmer gets on a little three legged stool and I just stand there.

You were a cowbell.

What are we talking about?

What does that mean?

What I'm saying is an ejaculation does not have to be sexual. You know, it just doesn't. Wait, what you are talking about.

You've lost me.

What do you mean?

It could be journalistic.

What do you mean?

Like when I read Robert Caro's first book on Lyndon Johnson, I ejaculated several times as a place marker. I didn't have a bookmark. And later on I'm like, where was I? Oh, right, the new deal here is. It is. But the pages would all stick together. They don't all stick together. And you know what? You have to know what to do. You use a green tea to get it off. Guys, I don't want to be taken down a path which I don't think is right for anyone to listen to. But I am just telling you, Sona, that we have once and for all proven. And this is a rare alliance. This is a really rare alliance. You've got over there, you've got Putin with Eduardo, you've got Zelensky over here with Matt and I'm Trump and the three of us are in agreement that you can milk D's nuts. Mic drop. Oh, boy.

Yeah, you got that one.

Yeah, we sure did. And you're with me on this one, aren't you, Eduardo? I mean, Eduardo is. And what about you, Blay? Just say yes. I don't even know what we're. I'm not sure what the alliance. Yes, I'm. I'm just join the alliance. I'm into it, I guess. Yeah. Honestly, the only thing going through my head right now is I was at.

The first day of school with a bunch of 12 year old parents.

All I can think about is that.

I talked to a mom I had never met before and she like found.

Out what I did and she was like oh, our whole family listens to the podcast together and we love it.

And so that's all I can think about right now.

I'm really sorry, Giles. Who's the listener? Sorry, Giles. The 12 year old who listen. Sorry, you shouldn't listen to this. And don't milk these nuts. You'll go blind. Well, that's all our time today. Oh, wait a minute. That's not how podcasts work.

Definitely.

We're out of time.

All right, well, I guess we did some good work today, Mike.

Bye.

Conan o' Brien needs a friend. With Conan o', Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Nick Leo. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up@siriusxm.com Conan and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O' Brien needs a Friend. Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded, it.