Transcript of Amy Poehler

Hi, my name is Amy Poehler, and I feel nostalgic about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

And that is appropriate.

Fall is here Hear the yell Back to school Ring the bell Brand new.

Shoes Walking blues Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

I can tell.

That we are gonn. Well, hello there.

Oh, are you playing that? Are you playing it up?

It's Conan O'Brien. And this is Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'm joined by my good pals. What is it? Sonam Obsession.

Sonam Obsession.

Yeah. And Metcor.

Take your time.

Yeah. And this is one of those occasions doesn't come up that much where I've got a bit of a cold and I'm just loving my voice. And that's why I think I slow it down a little bit and I think I sound real sexy. I think I sound like I've got big dick energy.

Come on, man.

What do you mean? I don't know. You're not.

The voice is cool.

Do you wish my voice was like this all the time?

Yeah, I kind of do. Yeah, but it also makes you kind of obnoxious.

Yes.

The voice that you have. Big throat energy.

Big flu energy. Don't do it. Can you do a song dedication?

Yeah, I'm just gonna do a lot of this. If I had this kind of voice all the time, I'd just do a lot of. Yeah, yeah. Just to fill out the conversation.

Oh, okay.

Because you don't have to think of anything. Clever people. Hey, Conan. What's going on? Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

That's all you were gonna say.

I don't know.

That's enough to get by on, huh?

I think so.

You need like a catchphrase. Chillin. All right. I'm rocking and rolling.

Chilling with Magellan.

That's like a.

Is that a product?

That's an ins. Like a shoe insert commercial. Magellan like Magellan.

You're right. He didn't get it right. It's a.

About a shoe insert for old people.

Yeah. Excuse me. The art support I've been looking for, that's a free ad. Are they still making those?

The Gellen like Magellan inserts?

Seen one in years. I haven't seen one in years. That was a terrible catchphrase.

That's one of the worst catchphrases.

Kind of.

Don't you think it was a terrible catchphrase?

Yeah.

I'm Jellyn with Magellan.

Magellan like Magellan.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's great. That's fantastic. 2003 was 2003. Yeah. Wow. Okay.

Been over 20 years and you still remember it.

That was America trying to recover from the 911 attacks. So, no, we were. We were trying to get back on our feet, literally. And so we were all about inserts.

What is wrong with you?

I'm just saying that there's a historic reason why a gelled insole was a big deal back then. People wanted comfort and they wanted to feel supported at a time when our nation was in a lot of peril. Anyway, I love the way I talk right now.

I'd like to recuse myself from this podcast.

Okay, that's not gonna happen.

Yeah, we can recus. Yeah, okay, me too.

You're on your own, Barry White.

I had one of those IVs last night. Oh, I don't think it did anything. I'll be honest with you.

Maybe it did.

They put a bunch of. Because I wasn't feeling well, and the. A big. I've got a big gig coming up, and I wanted to feel my best. And so my doctor said, oh, you could try this. And there's like, a bag. And the guy just keeps injecting different things into the bag while it drips into my arm. And I'm thinking, I don't know what he's putting in here. And at one point he put. Yeah, it was the substance. Yeah, yeah. I turned into Eddie Redmayne at one point. I said, what's that you're putting in there? And he said, mayonnaise. Just put mayonnaise in there. Eddie Redmayne crawled out my back and he said, cheerio, chaps Wolf. To make a moving picture. I don't know who the young version of me would be. The Wendy's girl.

Oh, that's what you meant. Eddie Redmayne is the young version of you.

Yeah, that's what. That's what.

The younger, better version.

Okay, take it easy.

I'm sorry. That's what it is.

He hasn't got these pipes. He doesn't have these pipes.

I mean, he's got a crazy cool British accent.

Yeah, anyone can do that. Cheerio, chap. Here comes Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I'm really not trying at all. Those are bangers and mash. I'm just saying things without an English accent. Not even doing an accent.

You can't do a normal British.

Watch this. Look at over there. It's. It's a Big Ben.

Oh, that's bad. You're.

Thanks.

American tourists.

And that's Parliament accent is just Goes. You go straight to cockney.

No, I don't.

Can you do, like a normal act? British accent.

That's all right.

No, that's cockney.

That's cockney.

Oh, I wasn't even trying to. Right there. I had a small polyp in my throat from this cold that I was trying to dislodge. Listen, guys, I'm not your chimp. I'm not going to sit here and do voices.

I want you to.

Well, I'm not going to. You do not some entertainer who, when queued, performs entertainment for people.

Do it.

Okay. It's the posh Porsche. Traveling knife. The traveling knife for me. First cabin, Captain's quarters. Real company. Pour out. Stab at home por with a capital P O. You do good. Paul McCartney. Oh, yeah. Well, he's very, you know, Dana and I like to do. I learned a lot from Dana, which is very sing songy and doobly doo. He's ups and he's downs. He's good. It's all over the mapsies.

That's good.

You can do it.

Yeah. And then my John Lennon is just. What the fuck are you talking about? It's just. It's more nasal and just yelling at Paul. Yes. It's a lot of fun to hang around with Dana and do voices. It's really fun. He's the maestro.

Yeah, he is.

He is the maestro. Yeah. And I'm gonna give it up for him right now.

Dana Carvey.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. You were just saying Dana like everybody knew who you were talking about.

Yeah. Well, who else is there? What other famous Danas are there? Dana Plato, Dana Gold Delaney. Dana White.

Dana White.

Yeah.

He does. He might do impressions before UFC fights.

He probably does.

Yeah.

He comes out as a character. Comes out as a 1920s depression era newsboy and tells everybody that Titanic was just sunk. They should get ready for the fight.

He's doing this to an audience.

He does it a lot. UFC people, they go crazy. They all start hitting each other with chairs. They love it. We love it. Do the. To the Lusitania saying, do it, do it. They love it when he invokes Woodrow Wilson. Yeah. It's great. Good stuff. Well, I think we've had a good time. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, we got there.

What? What? Well, that's a terrible thing to say.

Oh, I didn't mean it that way.

Sorry.

That lets the audience. You just clued the audience in that we were trying to fill time as opposed to having a magical journey.

This is a magical journey.

Yeah. You know, show business is. And our Current president has taught us this. You declare it and you make it so and so I'm, you know, not saying that's the right thing to do, but he just says he makes declarations.

You're not saying it's not the right thing to do?

I'm not saying no. But what I'm saying is he makes these declarations and people then start chanting, lock her up. Lock her up. They don't even know who she is.

Right.

I know. Or where they're locking her up. So what I'm. Yeah. So I think I'm going to start doing that on the podcast.

Okay.

Lock her up.

Yeah. Sona. I want Sona restaurant. Oh, man.

Bummer.

For what?

I don't know. You shoplifted, didn't you?

A long time ago. And not a lot of stuff.

I guess old crimes don't count.

No. Statute of limitations is up. Hi. Hi. I'm the Law.

Hi, Law.

How are you? I didn't recognize you. Hey, Law. You look great. You look fantastic. Hey, I love the scales you're holding. Why are you blindfolded? Law, I'm.

I'm. I'm the Justice.

Oh, wow. Your improv is so good. Your improv is off the charts. Incredible. So do you trained at, like, Second City or Grounds?

Yeah, yeah, it. Yes and yes and yes, and I trained at Second City.

And.

You got it. That's all you got to do. Yeah, that's all you got to do.

I used to do bits on your show in 1993.

Yeah.

When I was 10 years old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, and shut up. Yes, and you shut up. That's what I would do.

Yes, and you shut up.

And then. Yes, and you shut up.

Yes, and that's a good.

Yes. And rap.

Okay, well, I think this is a perfect introduction, improvisational geniuses on the show today. My guest today was a cast member on SNL and starred in the hit series Parks and Recreation. Now she has a new podcast titled Good Hang with Amy Poehler. You know what? She's never been on the podcast, and I adore her. I'm thrilled she's here today. Amy Poehler, welcome. A lot of our fans know this, but for the uninitiated, when I was doing my late night show in 93, a couple of years into it, we started saying, oh, we need cast members to help us out on the fly. And UCB was just getting off the ground.

Yeah.

And so suddenly it wasn't just that I was getting really good people. I was getting the best sketch performers who were coming in from downtown and coming in and you would play and you could play anything, but you would play Andy's little sister. And we'd give you, I think, a script that was like, that's a solid B. And you would take it to an A. It was insanity. And I never took that for granted. I always thought. I mean, now I look back on it and I think, I got to have Amy Poehler do bits on my show.

Gosh, I paid my rent.

Yeah.

I mean, are you kidding? I would have done it. I mean, it's funny that you say it that way because isn't it funny when you look back at, I mean, what. Must be almost 30 years now?

30, 30 some odd years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cause I moved to New York when I was in 96 is. I never remember a time when you were like a fledgling new show. I mean, you were just always like the hit show.

That's so funny.

I know. I don't remember it being like, we have to practice and get things ready. Cause I knew Andy Victor from Chicago, but in my mind I don't have a memory of it ever not being a successful show.

Well, it's interesting because young people just sort of made it their show. And we were doing all this weird stuff and they were saying, yeah, this is what we like. We like the masturbating bear, we like Pimpot, we like Andy's little sister. We like all this weird stuff. But I was constantly taking shit from people that were used to Letterman who were maybe 20 years older than me. And so there was a solid three years of you might get canceled. Can you try? You know, can you get rid of that weird stuff you're doing? And I'd tell them I will, and then I just wouldn't. And it was just madness.

And honestly, let's play F Marry kill with masturbating bear, Pimp Bot and Andy's little sister.

Yeah, yeah.

See how we do? Yeah, yeah.

Fuck em all.

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

That diaper comes off pretty easy. He's ready to go.

I don't think Masturbating bear's interested.

He's got a good thing going on how he gets off.

So we also have a few things in common, which is you're from Burlington, Mass, and I'm from Brookline, Mass.

Mm, fancy. Congratulations.

That's right. My butler's had a. But, no.

Did your house have books in it?

Well, la la, we had some books and my butterfly collection. But I think you told me once I could be wrong. That you worked at the Chestnut Hill Mall.

Yeah, I worked at a bunch of different places in high school. I always had a summer job, but I worked at the Chestnut Hill Mall at a restaurant called Paparazzi.

Yeah.

Which was a very. It was probably one of the fancier restaurants I had worked at up until that point. Breadsticks.

Yes.

Ooh.

And, you know, I learned words like cavatappi.

I still don't know what that is.

That's a type of pasta. Or, you know. Yeah, I learned cheese and place.

Didn't you work at the Pewter or something?

I worked. There used to be a pewter pot in my town.

A pewter pot.

But I worked at Chadwick's, which was an ice cream place on the border of Lexington and Waltham. And very famously an ice cream, like, old fashioned ice cream place. You bang a drum when it's someone's birthday and you wear old timey outfits.

Yes, yes.

And Rachel Dratch worked at Chadwick's a few years ahead of me. We never met. Cause then the simulation wouldn't.

It's crazy.

Worked out.

And you know what's interesting is that your Boston accent went away. I used to think I never had a Boston accent. And then someone recently found a clip of me interviewing my brothers and sisters from 1971. And I'm going like, yes, away. And I'm like, who is that guy? And I never consciously tried to get rid of it. But you tried.

I did. And I still think you do have one. You think I do have one? I still think I have one. I mean, just. It's super slight. But don't you feel like you can pinpoint people from Boston?

Yes, definitely.

Even just saying Boston, the way we say Boston. But every once in a while I hear it, and every once in a while I hear it on my. For me. And for me, it's usually when I'm angry, that's when it comes out, which makes sense.

I also love that when I go to Boston, I don't know if this happens.

It's the worst accent ever.

Bostonians. It is.

Well, it's terrible.

I'm gonna say Rhode Island. Cranston, Rhode Island.

Yeah, Rhode Island.

Cranston, Rhode island might win.

Can you do the difference? What's the difference between those two?

I can't. I'm terrible at it. This made Rachel Dratch crazy because she did this. She wrote a sketch for Saturday Night Live, which is all these Boston people. And I was hosting that week. I was just having trouble getting the Boston accent Cause I had been away for years, and Rachel was losing her mind.

That does not sound like Rachel Dress.

No, no. She was getting really frustrated. Like, no, no, no. It's, like, on the corner, you know? And I'd be like, yeah, in the corner. She was really. I was making her as upset.

I blame Brookline for this because, I mean, there is a. There's a way to dig into the accent that once you get in there, it's almost like you can never get out.

Right.

It's like a comfy chair to get in there.

It's not just the accent. There's an attitude, too. I don't know if you have this, but if I'm in Boston and I've got. I go there a lot to see my family. There's a Conan. Come here. Come here. Yes, there's a. You kind of work for me. I know you're from Boston, so get over here. So I'm walking the other way. Hey, Conan, come here. Come here. Fuck. It's Conan, you know, Come here.

Climb over this thing.

And you're like, this is incredible. There's a sense that I'm from Boston, you're from Boston. You're not some fucking big deal. Get over here. And I kind of like it. And then there are times where I'm.

Like, oh, come on, 100%. The best and worst thing about Boston is there's a feeling of like, you're not better than me. You know, like, we're all the same. We're all in this together. Boston strong. Hi. How are you? Good for you. Yeah, but it's like, you're doing well, Amy. Huh? Like, it's very. It's aggressive. Love.

Yeah.

And it's very nice to feel. And also, it's sometimes scary.

Well, I. I think I've mentioned this before, but in. I was in Boston, and I was staying at a hotel, and I was staying, you know, like, at a bar, and I go into the men's room, and this woman, who I want to say was 55, followed me into the men's room while I met the urinal. And she was like, hey, gone. And I was like, yeah, I'm at the urinal. And she's like, Ah, Mr. Hollywood. Like, no, it's. I think this is illegal.

Yeah, it's illegal. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think you're supposed to be in here.

No. Yeah, it's very. I mean, I. Look, all my relatives still live in Boston. I love going back there. It is this thing where Boston really doesn't want you to forget.

No.

And also, Boston is the thing where they talk about neighboring towns as if anyone would know what they're talking about. Boston feels like the center of their own world. So they'll throw out towns and stuff happening to people that are from Michigan, and it's like, no one knows what you're talking about. But Boston is. They are their own center.

Also, I remember growing up, first of all, you'd listen to school cancelations and you'd wait for your town to come up. But the second thing is there were all these ads for, like, the Light and Leisure building.

Yeah.

I think it was in Burlington. And they were like, it's in Burlington, the Light and Leisure. I don't know exactly what they were selling. I think it was lights and leisure clothing, which doesn't make any sense, but it was like, Light and Leisure, Burlington, you know, get off this, whatever. And. Yeah. And I just. So it's. That's drilled into my head totally.

I feel like. And also, there's just a. There's something about the. The vibe there that you. I mean, this is something I really like about it. And New York is very similar, too, which is. There's a directness to how people talk to each other and how. What they expect of each other. So they're kind of, like. Kind but not nice.

Yes.

And California is nice, but not always kind. So it's confusing here because people are friendly, but they're not really nice. But there they're like, I gotta go. I can't. I can't help you. I gotta, like. You gotta keep walking. Like everyone's telling you to hurry up. But they're. But they're very kind. They'll help you.

Right.

It's weird. It's different here.

And there's a kindness in there, but it's got this crusty shell. Whereas here, everything has this kind of smooth shell, you know?

And then you say, oh, my. You know, can. Can you help me change my tire? And they're like, we can't. I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

But I want that for you.

I want that for you. If you died, it would mean nothing to me. You know, it's odd to think about it now, but you and. And Tina, you're this wave of women that came along, and I think it's easy for people to take it for granted now. Yes. There were women before you, and I know you have. Your idols are, like, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, Catherine O'Hara, who I sat next to at the 50th anniversary, and I couldn't. I mean, I see her from time to time, and I love. I love Catherine O'Hara. And sometimes she's very earnest. So when the show was about to start and Paul Simon came up and he's. I get the microphone. And Sabrina Carpenter came up and she's at her microphone and they're both ready to go. And she went, oh, this is Paul Simon. This is gonna be good. And I said, well, we'll see. And she looked at me like.

She was like, what do you mean?

And I said, you know, these things come and go. You never know what's falling, which is. She's always great. But she was like, fuck you. He's always great. And this is like, we're. I'm picking a fight with Catherine O'Hara before, as they're calling out 3, 2, 1.

My fun name drop of that weekend, which was really fun, was there were so many people that people had to share dressing rooms. And so I was sharing my dressing room with Meryl Streep.

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God.

And I like, you know, just like a fan, I took a picture of the door that said my name. And Meryl Streep, she was, you know, getting ready for her and really rehearsing it. And I remember thinking, I never rehearsed as hard as Meryl Streep has. This one moment, you're going over. Seriously, don't overthink it.

It's vaudeville.

Be loud. That's what I'm going to say. Just be loud. Yes. And then in the seats, which was a night of all famous alumni and people, I sat down and I turned to my left and it was Jack Nicholson.

Yes.

And I was like, of course. My old friend, my dear friend, Jack Nicholson.

I think when those things happen, I just go with it.

Yeah.

I just say, of course Jack Nicholson's here. Of course Letterman sat like three rows down from me, and I went over and said hi and was struck by his beard. I mean, literally, it's incredible.

It hit me.

He turned and I was slapped by the.

I think that's what success is, is being able to perform at an event in front of your comedy heroes and, you know, give like a B minus performance and not want to die. That's success. Yes, it is. Because it's happened so many times in my life now where I've had to do the AFI tribute or something in front of Steve Martin. And I walk and go, well, that was a B minus. And I go, you might be being.

A little hard on yourself.

I could think of Hard. Hard. B minuses.

Okay. Oh, I know the one you're talking about. Yeah, I don't.

You did call me up.

I don't.

You can't call me up.

I called you up and I said. That was.

You gave me that grade.

I said B minus. That was like a C plus. So you met Tina at Improv Olympics in Chicago, 1990. What made you know that you two were going to be like sort of peanut butter and jelly?

It was cool. Sharna Halpern, who was this woman running that theater at the time, said to both of us, oh, I know a woman that you would like. And she just put us on an improv team together. And I knew Tina was from Philly, and I knew she had written a really funny play about Catherine the Great and her intimate relationship with her horse. I knew she was really smart and funny, but when we met, we just kind of. We don't actually. We're on the road doing a show, and we kind of talk about how we don't actually remember the exact moment we met because we didn't know we'd be married for so long and so in love. But we just got put on an improv team, and we just instantly. And I think this is the case today, just worked together so well. Like, we like to work the same way, which, you know, when you work with people, there's a language that you have and how you like to work, and you either kind of have it or you don't. And if you do have it, it's.

The best on Update. And anytime I've seen you two together, you always have A plus jokes. You have great jokes, great delivery. Some people think, what's the trick? It's like, well, yes, have good delivery is really important, and sometimes you need to have a savor. But have the stuff. And you two always have really good.

Stuff, you know, because I think I feel like I've given you credit for this. So tell me if you said this. Yes, but you did. But we talk about this and you saying this a lot, which is, you know, when you're doing comedy, you have to have good jokes all the time and new jokes all the time. And then you see musicians go up and sing their song, and you're like, man, if. If I could just go up and sing a hit over and over again.

I love this experience. Which is, I was in, I want to say, Phoenix, Arizona, and I had to do something for an affiliate. So I'm there, and I go in, and of course, I don't have Phoenix Arizona affiliate material in my back pocket. I have to bother my writers. I have to thank myself, what stuff I can say, what's going on, find out what the local references are and construct the whole thing from scratch. And I get to. Before we get started, I go down to the lobby and I see Sting is there, and he's just got a guitar on his back in a leather case. And I went, oh, hey, how's it going? He's like, oh, it's going all right, you know? And I said, what are you doing? He said, I'm doing a benefit. I said, I'm doing a benefit, too. I'm doing something for. And I've been working. And I've been working. I said, what are you gonna do? And he said, I'm gonna play Roxanne.

Aw.

And I'm gonna play every step. And he's not even thinking about it. No, he's not even thinking about it. And everyone's delighted.

Yes. That's what they want.

Yeah. No one's. I was at an event with you. I remember this really well. It was an event with you at the Museum of Natural History. And I don't know if I was performing or what, but then the music came out, and it was Jon Bon Jovi, and he did Cowboy Honosteel Horse. You jumped up, you lost your mind, and you were screaming all of the lyrics, which was great. And then I look over and Jon Bon Jovi's wife is doing it. What? Yeah, she's there, too. And she's like, yeah, yeah, I love this. And I'm thinking, that's Stockholm. That's a good marriage.

That is a good marriage. Their marriage has lasted all these years. Dorothea. I know everything about her.

Dorothea. Yeah. She's very cool. Yes.

Dorothea. Yes. Yes. Well aware of Dorothea. Looked her up all the time. Jon Bon Jovi.

She's very cool. High school sweetheart.

So cool. Yes. High school sweetheart.

She might need to worry.

Are you coming after her?

I mean, Dorothea has seen a lot. Probably a lot more threatening people throwing themselves at John than me. But their marriage is strong. I believe it is. And I love Jon Bon Jovi. I mean, I went to Bon Jovi when I was in high school. I even wrote a sketch about it at SNL where, when he hosted, Jon Bon Jovi came out of the poster in my childhood bedroom. And I dressed up like I looked when I was 13. And Jon Bon Jovi, the. The musician went into his storage and wore the same outfit that was on the poster, still fit. So he keeps it really tight. And that's why Dorothea is still interested.

I like how he went into his storage. No, he had it in his closet.

Yeah, yeah, he had wearing it that day.

Yeah, he has all of his poster clothes in his closet right off his bedroom.

Well, I would say, in response to you saying about good jokes, I think you and I could probably say that we both came up at a time when the writer was king, and writers were really important at snl, and they were really important on your show. And not only do I, like, some of them are here in the building, and I work with some of them forever, but they were also writer performers. And you had a bunch of them on the show. And same at snl. It just was. You just can't go in with flimsy material. You have to just keep trying jokes, which I'm sure you're getting ready to do for the Oscars and everything, like, over and over again.

No, I haven't started yet.

Oh, good, good, good.

It's days away and I just figured, you know, this will write itself.

Yeah, just wait and see, though.

Yeah. Do it in the parking lot on the way in. But no, that's all Lorne. Lorne Michaels. And it's not everywhere. There used to be this era. For a long time, writers were kept like rats in this back room. I had a really good first job in LA at Not necessarily the News, but we weren't part of the production. We didn't really interact with the crew. We were in a room. Greg Daniels and I were in a room with Billy Kimball. And we just had desks that faced each other like accountants. And we just banged out sketches all day long, sight gags, whatever. And then at the end of the day, we'd submit them and go home. But that was. And I remember thinking, this is not the show business I wanted to be in. I want to be backstage. I want to see showgirls, people in horse costumes, people dressed, you know, as a knight. I want all that craziness and get to SNL. It didn't matter if you were like me, 23, 24 years old. He'd just say, all right, what have you got? What's your name? Conan. Okay, and let's hear your idea.

And you tell the idea, okay, go pitch it to Steve Martin. Me. Or go pitch it to comedy. Pick any comedy icon. And I remember thinking, you're allowing me to go into a room alone with this person. I could have a. You know, like, why do we. Have you done a background check on me?

Oh, yeah, finish that sentence.

I know you could.

You would have a what?

A knife.

I mean, if it was. I carried a knife back.

You always bring it. Yeah, you were. You always were flashing your knife.

It's a Brookline thing.

Spinning your knife gun.

And I just. It just. It was one of those ones that comes flips out and flips back. And I was always around, and I remembered a lot of normals, like, can you not do that?

But it's Brookline, so it's a cheese knife. It's for cutting cheese. Having parties and stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Look at this. And then. And then. But one of the things I always loved about you, and I don't know if this comes from. I read somewhere maybe it comes from your dad, but you were fearless, physically, comedically. And you are like, you know, you would. If the joke called for you, as Andy's little sister, to go charging down the aisle and leap and hit him so that he falls over. I look at that footage now. It's all.

It's a good jump. It's a good jump.

You leap like a leopard. You hit Andy, he goes over. It's one of the biggest laughs I've heard. Because the running joke was, you have a crush on me. And I'm always trying to politely explain that I'm. And then you think Andy's. Whatever getting in the way, and you attack. And you would give these great speeches, but you.

Written by the great Brian Stack.

By the great Brian Stack. I remember you. I do think there's. I hope it's still not the case, but there used to be this kind of long ago.

I don't know what you're gonna say.

I know. Me neither.

I'm excited. Well, there used to be serf in the medieval period.

Oh, we're going far that part.

Yeah.

Okay.

In a sense that you gotta be ladylike. Do you know what I mean? That if a guy's. I mean, I remembered my mom being a little bit that way, which is if I'm being completely inappropriate, it was funny. If one of my sisters was doing it, it was like, now, hold on. That's not really. And it was a thing. She came from a very traditional Irish Catholic background. And you've gotta be a lady. And so I don't know.

Yeah, well, you bring up my dad. But I do think it's true, like, your family of origin helps you kind of decide the boundaries of your life. Right. Like what you're allowed to do. And I had a kind of like a paper moon relationship with my dad where he Was very, like, on the move and took me with him kind of vibe. So he definitely instilled a lot of confidence and almost like a hustle that didn't feel very gendered at the time. It wasn't like I was supposed to be this or, you know, he kind of. Both my parents were very funny. There was a lot of encouragement to speak my mind to kind of be a little bit of a challenger.

Good.

Which I didn't think was unusual until I did learn other people's systems. Like, every family is a country with its own set of rules. And you don't know that that's true until you leave your country and you're like, oh, your family. You know, your dad is the one that, you know, everybody ignores. Or you're. The older brother is.

Right.

The older brother's moods dictate the house. You know, dictate the mood of the house. Or, oh, in your. You have to be polite and never tell the truth. Whatever. Is everyone's version of their thing. And I came from a family, I have to say, that really encouraged joking and teasing, which is a very Boston thing.

Yes, yes.

And it wasn't until I left that family and went to other. Like, went to college that I realized that's not everybody's way of life.

Well, I remember my shock being coming out to Los Angeles and hanging out with. Meeting Lisa Kudrow and hanging out and going over to her house, and her family was just. Would talk. They lived in Tarzana, her dad's doctor. They would talk very openly about sex. And it would freak me out. It still does. Like, sex has never been discussed or acknowledged in my home with my parents, it was never, ever. And if something remotely sexy came on tv, it was, you know, like, we could all see our breath.

You are an actual stork, baby.

Yeah.

And then we'd just all get out of the room as fast as we could. And so. And to this, I mean, nothing. You know, people don't talk about that stuff.

Or. Have you ever seen families. I'm thinking of a specific family. When they. When it would be their birthday, they would stand up and they'd give the most heartfelt toast. Like, you are my sister. You're the person who. And it's so heartfelt. And you're like, this happens once, and it happens at somebody's funeral when everybody's left.

Yeah.

Like, this is so intense to, like, the eye contact in real. Like, teasing for me is a love language. Like, the more I like you, the more I'll tease and Manners are for people that I don't know or don't even really like. Like, hi, how are you? But the tease, to me, shows that there's a familiar way and it's just the ultimate sign of love. But that's not the case with a lot. No, I. I've learned the hard way.

Yeah. I remember dating someone once a long time ago and meeting her parents for the first time. And I said something like some kind of teasing, mock put down of her, like, yeah, well, keep working on that. And her mother went, we don't do that in this house. We don't put people down. And I remember thinking, I need to go. Yeah, I need to leave right now. Because that's not gonna fly.

You know what I mean? But the Irish in me loves laughing and crying right next to each other. That's my favorite thing is being sad. And then someone saying something truly ridiculous or out of pocket in the moment that makes everybody laugh. That that's, I think, very Irish. Just getting as low as you can and going to the lowest basement and then finding the joke there and like shooting it up so that everybody can drink more.

Yeah. It's like everything we learned was. So there's a reason to chose that was just implied. You know, it's interesting cause you were talking to me about how you just always thought our show was there to stay and it was fine. A lot of people don't know because this interesting thing has happened with. With Parks and Recreation, where it is now just one of those shows that's chapter and verse and comedy people know it and not just comedy people, but it's like, it plays a lot. People really know it, it's esteemed, and they don't know that it was a running gun battle to keep that thing.

On the air big time. Yeah. Every year we thought we were gone for maybe the first four or five out of the seven seasons we were on because our show was on the. On the table, hooked up to machines. And then a new show would come wheeling in next to us and they'd just be like, clear. And they would just be save. Trying to save that show over and over again. And then it would. They like, they'd call time of death and they'd put this sheet over the show and they'd bring the show out.

Well, suddenly Susan didn't make it. I mean, Parks and Rec still here.

Totally. We had about 5 upfronts where it was like, this is the next new big show. And we would watch it come in so hot with tons of Marketing. And then it would die, and we would just be like, beep, beep, beep. And so we hung in there and long enough until finally, like, season five, like your show, like, critically, we were very loved, but we were always worried we were gonna get canceled. And although we would all give anything to have those numbers now, whatever we had, yes, it was like, you know, we have a 3.8 or whatever. And I was like, this is a disaster. You know? But then streaming happened. Started to happen. It all started to, like, dovetail at the same time.

I am every. I mean, almost every day I thank the streaming gods and the Internet because I never thought the stuff that we were making. I always thought we did this really weird thing tonight. It'll never be seen again. Cause it's just tonight. And maybe it'll be rerun once in the summer, but then that's it. It's gone. And I was at the SNL thing, and when you buy a Samsung Television, There's a Conan O'Brien channel.

It won't go off my TV.

Well, here's the.

Get it off.

Bill Murray came up to me and he was like, yeah, Conan, there's this thing on my tv. It's just you and it's you. And I went, huh? He went, and I can't get it off. I was like, well, I can't help you. And he went, hey, you know, some of it's really good, you know, but it was just so weird that that stuff that I thought would never be seen. There's moments on the Internet it all. And the good work gets picked out. It rises to the top. There's plenty of stuff we all did that we're like, okay. But that tends to not get passed around as much. And it creates this illusion that everything we did was super funny. Which in my case was like, no, that's a complete illusion. You're just not seeing the other ones because they don't get clicks, that's for sure.

Yeah, that's sketch in a nutshell, too. So much of it is just like, how are you? What's your batting average? Like, it's. You're gonna. You're gonna. You're gonna get one out of three good sketches, if you're lucky. Yeah. I mean, I feel like Parks was like that. The trajectory of that and getting back to your show for a second. What was so exciting about being there at the beginning? Not only was one of our own, like, Andy was our. Was an improviser that we knew who suddenly.

From Chicago.

Yeah, from Chicago. Who could buy an apartment and we could go over to it.

Yeah.

You know, we were like, what?

I remember he had parties. He had an apartment that was like on 19th or 20th street downtown, and it was kind of a loft. And he, you know, I wasn't having parties. I was just, you know. But I would go to Andy's parties and it was everyone from UCB's, you and Matt Walsh and Besser and Ian. And it's just like this whole salon of super funny people. Plus, sometimes you go to an Andy party and there'd be, like a guy in a fez in the corner with an eyepatch. It looked there were, like, people with parrots on their shoulders. Yes.

And it was just right. New York, like, you know, early 90s, like David Rakoff and Amy Sedaris and, you know, all these, like, people that were kind of coming through and just starting out as well, in different ways. It felt very chic. And then also, truly, your show allowed me to pay my rent, get health insurance, tell my parents that I was gonna be on tv. All the beginnings of that. It got me so many jobs. People saw, I think, my first movie, which was the world famous Deuce Bigelow. Very, very proud of my performance in that. But I remember it.

You killed it.

Killed it. But Rob Schneider, I think, saw me, like, on your show, and I think that stuff helped me. When we were selling ucb, the sketch show, it was just such a huge deal. And I can remember, you know, under six. Remember that? Like, you know, if you had under six lines on. On Conan show, you got paid a certain amount of money. And then if you got over six.

Yeah.

You got paid like a hundred bucks more, you know, because of SAG minimums and stuff. It was a huge deal. We did a ton of staring contests.

Yeah.

Yeah. A ton of bits. I think my first thing was I was under a giant. Me and John Benjamin were under giant foam rubber Conan and Andy outfits.

Yeah.

And we had to run around a track all day or something.

I remember I was.

It makes no sense.

No sense.

And I was like.

I name it really funny.

I was just at this SNL and I saw Tina and I saw. She's with her husband Jack, Jeff Richman. And immediately. I'm sorry, Jeff, but I immediately go to when we first used Jeff Richmond, who's, you know, scores all this stuff. He's very brilliant. He's incredibly successful. We used him. And he played like. He played Cupid. So he was in a diaper, hanging on a rope with a bow and Arrow, you know, and, like, some glitter in his hair and no shirt. And he's kind of just spinning at rehearsal awkwardly. And I didn't know who Jeff was. And then it's over, and I'm. I think I'm doing something. And Amy had passed. I'm not Amy. Tina had passed a monitor. And she went, that's my husband, you fucker. What have you done to him?

Yeah, I learned so much.

I don't care what he does. He'll get an Oscar for scoring something. And I'll still think, heh, heh, you were Cupid.

I learned so much on that show. I learned how to, like, you know, get ready for a bit. How to not peek too early, how to figure out what the audience like, you know, just basically how to play the rhythm of the audience, like a camera blocking. All that stuff I knew nothing about.

It's funny to me because I remember SNL really wanted you to do it, and you were hesitant.

Do you remember that?

Yes, I remembered there was. I don't know if that's. But I remembered it wasn't like, yes, yes, yes, yes. Unless I'm remembering it incorrectly. But that's how it felt to me, I think.

I don't think I was ever hesitant. But at the time, I had auditioned for a couple things that were. And I. And I had this stress of almost like this good girl stress of, like, I can't say no to these other things that might happen. And they were all LA jobs. Cause it was during pilot season, and I remember thinking, what if I tell the people? I told them yes, and I have to tell them no. Like, I was very stressed about that, but I don't remember waiting very long. And, you know, I had the privilege of Tina really vouching for me because she was already there, and Dratch and Horatio and people that were there who kind of were able to say, like, she might be a good hire. Take a look at her. But, yeah, I'm so glad I did update.

And then you guys did. You and Tina did update for four years. Was it four or five?

No. Yeah, it must have been four, I think. Cause then. But I'm not sure. But I. You know, I know we called your.

Publicist that we need exactly.

Three, four, I don't know. It's all.

That doesn't help me.

It's all a blur. It doesn't help me. Sorry.

We need to know.

Six, five, four.

Okay, let's just not do this anymore.

I'm sorry. Conan. Two. One.

It was 15 years that you did?

Yeah. But I. I came in after Jimmy left and, you know, like, the fun thing about that show is people leave and people think, how is this show going to go on? And it just does. It keeps going on.

Yeah.

Like, you know, I started in 2001, two weeks after September 11, when the whole country was like, we're never gonna laugh again.

Right?

Comedy's over. That's it. That's a wrap. And I remember thinking, but I hear you. And yes, respectfully, I hear you.

There was a famous article that said Kurt Anderson or someone just said, irony is dead. Like, they'll never be. Nothing will ever be ironic again. And accept that statement. Yeah, exactly. It's just like, well, no, human. This is what humans do. We go through, whether it's the fires in Los angeles, whether it's 9, 11, where it's, you know, we get hit over the head, we are stunned, we collect ourselves, and then we go back to doing what we do.

Well, that's why I'm happy to be here today and why I'm starting a podcast, too, is because all I want to do now is, let's laugh. That's it. Like, I need. I want to be around people who, like, up regulate me. I want to find joy in things. It's been a rough and rowdy 10 years, and I just feel like it's. I just need to find for my own mental health, that kind of thing.

I think, first of all, you're going to kill it. But second of all, I think, I mean, everyone's going to want to talk to you. You can do both. You can be funny, but you can also talk about real things. I mean, to me, that's the secret, is just to be open and accessible.

I think what's been the best part.

Of doing this, Like, I have to say, I just.

Us.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

These aren't my prescription glasses.

Let me see who's talking.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, that's okay.

Who's that?

Me.

Oh, me. God, no.

A teeny, tiny me.

I think what I like about even get in here is after all. All those years of. Okay, we're back. Now, our next guest. You know, you know him from the song Rocket Man. Elton John's here. Whatever. Six minutes and then John, everybody. All right, you know, what's the matter with you?

You know him from the song.

If you don't mention Rocket man, no one knows who Elton John is. That's a true fact. I brought him out and said, you know, from Benny and the jets, he Gets nothing. People boo. But I think my favorite thing is that this format is really liberating. And so how many times have you and I encountered each other over the years? How many times have you done the show? But now I really get to sit and talk to you and it's a treat for me. I look forward to it. I was excited today that you were coming in because I haven't talked to you for like a solid 45 minutes before.

Yeah.

And this is fun. There's no, like, magic trick. It's just. Just fun to do.

It is fun. And I would say I would posit a deeper thing. There is that it's connection. Like, it's actual intimacy and connection, which I do think we're very hungry for. Yes. Everything feels very front facing and very external and like out into the world. And I do think we're lonelier than ever.

Yeah, I agree with you. I think what you hear, or if you're looking at clips online on this podcast or see is what it is. So this is what it is. And then if we break and go to lunch, we fight and bicker and joke and put each other down the way we would here on the pod. This is just what it is. It's not okay. Gotta get ready to pretend to be this person. And I'm saying this for better or for worse. This is, you know, this is who I am. This is who you are. I'm not sure what you're doing.

No, I'm not.

You're just a big mess now.

Yeah.

I don't.

You're a shapeshifter.

It's been a tough 10 years.

Yeah. Someone told me. And I just want to. I want to because my wife has a fascination with the show below deck.

Oh, 100%.

I watch below Deck and I don't get it. And my wife is very smart and she has excellent taste, but when she's watching Below Deck, I'm like, I don't understand. Not that much is happening.

I love that she loves Below Deck. That's a sign of a smart lady. Yeah, I don't watch. I do not watch a lot of reality tv. I don't like people getting embarrassed. And people get embarrassed on every reality show, so. But I don't like or like fake. Fake drama. But what I like about Below Deck, and I wonder if your wife feels the same, is when they clean the.

Boat.

They have to.

I'm sure that's it.

They have to turn over the boat. They have to get it clean. And every time it's like, are they gonna make it? We don't like. So there's some weird thing where your brain, it's almost like it's like watching like a set be reset. You're watching it get reset. And I like clear delineations of power. Who is in charge. So there is a captain. Like, whether or not you like the captain, you know, that's your problem. But the chain of command is very clear.

Yes.

And there's the head, you know, there's the head of the. I should know all these names having.

Watched it, but like so many iterations of it now.

Exactly. So people have to report to each other. And that kind of status stuff really makes me laugh.

But you're right, you're right.

It's the cleaning of the boat.

There is something about. There'll be like young, good looking couples that hook up on the boat. And I find that that isn't as exciting to me as I get into. The chef has to make a meal. And it's always these incredibly entitled rich people.

Incredible.

Do you know what I mean? And they're always there and they're like, this is for my wife's anniversary. And then they'll say things like, maybe it's fake, but they'll say at 11 o'clock in the morning, you know, we want tonight's theme to be. And then they announce some insane theme.

They're on a boat in the middle.

Of the Aegean, you know, sea. And they're suddenly scrambling around trying to find. Okay, the theme is volcanoes. They're building little volcanoes. People are dressing up as. And then the cook has to make. The chef has to make the food for everybody. It's always going wrong. And then it comes together.

Yeah.

And it's very satisfying.

And then what do you have to do at the end? You got to clean the boat. You got to turn it over. You got to get the sheets done. You got to spray the deck and the aft. You can't just. You've got to clean it.

You know, you might be onto something and maybe. Adam. I'm just going to throw this out there. We should include a segment where we're like hosing this table down.

Oh, my God. By the way, I would watch the shit out of that. If you asmr this table and you, you put soap on it and then you washed it, wiped it down, and then the marbles on it, and then the sound of the marbles and you had to pick the marbles up.

And Eduardo designed this, so he's freaking out that we're Getting soapy water.

I'm happy to clean this table every.

Post session, but, like, just. We could make that a new thing on the show.

If these mics could be made out of kinetic sand, I would appreciate that. Just so I could play around with that.

All these cool, tactile, incredible.

Cause it's so good for podcasts.

People love it.

Yeah. There's. I mean, I don't. But I can't. I don't really watch any other. I don't like any. I don't like people being embarrassed or stressed on tv. It gets me very stressed.

I hate pranks.

I hate pranks.

And I always. My whole life, if someone wanted to do a prank on someone, my mind would always go, what if someone gets hurt?

Yeah.

I don't know why. It could even be just the simplest prank. And I think. I don't know, someone could get hurt and end up paralyzed, and people would be like, what are you talking about? We're just giving them a birthday cake, but it's not their birthday. I'm like, yeah, I don't know. Someone could end up paralyzed. I don't know why I always went to that.

Yeah. Pranks feel very Gen X. Like, we grew up with a lot of pranks, like Candid Camera and then later on, you know, Knoxville and. And Ashton Kutcher.

Jackass.

And Jackass and Punk. And so we had a lot of pranks in our life, and maybe we just got pranked out. Pranked out. But I don't like pranks. And if someone did a prank to me, I would feel like they hate me.

Yes.

Like, I would feel super sad.

Yeah.

If, like, I've never. I don't even. I've never had a surprise birthday thrown for me. The one time I think it was gonna happen, I found out, and I kind of put a kibosh on it, because to me, a surprise party is an evil. Evil act of treachery.

Betrayal.

Yeah, Betrayal. Yeah. It's a prank.

Anyway, you're launching this weekly video podcast, Good Hang with Amy Poehler. It's gonna come out this March. It's scheduled for a March 10 release. I will be listening to this podcast. I'd be thrilled to do it if you ever wanna want me on.

Thank you for saying that.

No, seriously, I would love to do it. Thanks, Kim. I love hanging with you, and you're one of my favorite people of all time. And I know you're gonna kill this. So it's a gift. That all those years ago, you came into my life and were so Funny and elevated everything on our show. Not everything, but a lot of things. Why did I have to correct that?

No, I, I, any sketches you were in.

And it was just, it was just a magical time. And I do feel nostalgic too.

I do too. I feel, and I have to say, like the be of things are the most tender time where everybody's the most tender.

Yeah.

And you were so kind to not only me, but UCB and everybody during that time. You gave a lot of us our start. So thank you very much. I'm glad I get to say that too.

Like you, like a little bit of a cut.

Yes.

And you have made, you did make me sign something that I regret. I really regret.

You're like Simon Cowell.

Conan owns half of my house.

I just, I treated, I treated them all like they were a boy band in South Korea and they were like, this is awful. Amy Poehler, thank you so much for being here. This was great.

It was so fun, guys. Thank you so much.

We're doing a series of ongoing staff reviews around the team code facility here.

It is important, it is important that every business rigorously investigate the employees and kick the tires on this thing. Make sure that every cog in the machine is working properly. Don't you think?

Yeah.

With that in mind, today we're going to someone I've known for a very long time. Her name is Paula Davis. Hi, Paula.

Hi, Conan.

Don't just push the microphone up to your. That's the thing that. Yes, there you go. That's how it works.

Is that good?

That's good right there.

Paula.

Yes, sir.

You are my head booker. You've been my booker at Late Night from day one.

This is true.

And we knew each other before that because you were one of the first people I met when I showed up bright eyed and bushy tailed in February of 1988. I show up at Saturday Night Live with my friend Greg Daniels. We both walk in and I sit down up in the area that's kind of near where Lorne Michaels office is. And I start chatting with this very funny wise guy, young lady. It's you. And I remembered immediately thinking she's like my sister, she's really funny and quick. And I connected with you right away. Do you remember that?

Yes, I do sort of remember. I remember we connected right away.

Asshole.

See, Conan O'Brien.

Conan O'Brien walked into a room and.

You kind of remember you weren't Conan O'Brien then. You were just this guy.

That was, that was before I changed my name.

Exactly. You were just New writer guy. Yeah, but I did like you.

Yeah.

And we. So we knew each other in that world. And then you were with me all through Late Night, Tonight show, tbs. And then when this thing started up, you were doing that. So you've been finding the good people for us to talk to all these years.

Yes, I have.

I do.

I mean, I'll start off by commending you for your fine work.

Thank you. That's how he's starting off. Let's see where it goes. This'll be fun.

You know, I get irritated with you.

Oh, yes, I do.

Because I try and talk to you in the morning and you're teaching a yoga class.

That's true.

And first of all, she's very serious about yoga. You teach yoga?

I do.

It's a great thing.

I didn't know you teach yoga.

I got certified a couple years ago.

Congrats.

That's cool.

Thanks.

Thanks, you guys.

Yeah, And I always pick something insane to be offended by, and I arbitrarily decided that. And also, you work with, like, you do wonderful work. You're helping, aren't you? Helping people. Older people sometimes. With yoga.

Yes, I volunteer at the Spirit Center.

You do really nice things. And I've decided that this is an affront because that's time you could be booking some people.

Okay.

And I'm talking like 7:00 in the morning. She's doing this wonderful work with, you know, basically elder care for free, where she volunteers and I'll harangue you.

You should book some of those seniors and that'll show.

That's a good idea. Also, in all fairness, anything that brings me joy, you don't like.

Yes, that's.

Yes, that's true for all your employees.

Joy killers.

You don't like them having feeling joy.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't know what that is.

Why. Why Paul?

Psychoanalyze it. You're very smart. And by the way, Paula, once I was having this amazing interview, and I will say it again, I've said it many times, the best interviewer on the planet is Howard Stern. I think he's a genius interviewer, always has been. And he just gets better and better. I idolize him as an interviewer. He was interviewing me once. We and I were having this moment, and I brought you up and he said, well, is Paula here? And we, because you're a huge Howard fan, you came in and you were petrified.

Petrified.

But you immediately psychoanalyzed us both brilliantly.

It was great.

Really? Thanks.

Yeah.

And then Howard was like, wow, she's great.

What did you say about Conan?

I remember Conan saying we were talking about when he would come into my office and needed to sort out certain things, and that I would say to him, I'm not going down that road with you. Whatever the crazy road of that day was.

Yeah, no, no.

She has a. I'm not going down.

This road with you.

Oh, yes, you are.

Yes, Paula, a long time ago. And this is before I was getting cognitive therapy and realizing that without getting crazily boring. But our thoughts can take us places that then the emotions follow and it can get very negative. Anyway, you were the one that was like, no, no, no, no. We're not going down that road. We're not going down that negative road that you have in your head about yourself. And then you would say it the way you say to a dog.

Nope. Out.

Like off the couch.

No, no.

Yeah, off the couch.

I do that with our. We have a p. Odin and he'll just jump up on the couch and Liza and I'll be like, nope. And he quickly jumps off. That's how you are with me.

Oh, good.

We're not doing that right.

It's great.

Exactly.

I like the glowing staff review and I have to. Oh, sorry.

You go ahead.

Well, I don't know you that well, Paula, but you're someone I greatly admire. I have always feel like you have an energy that just helps and brings people up. You're wonderful.

So nice. Thank you.

We gotta get this to be negative.

You know what?

I actually have to find it.

Sure.

Because I feel like you've booked everybody. Is there a. A white whale for you?

And after all this time, is there someone that you would want to.

Is it share? Cuz I hope it's share.

Wow, what a le.

Leading, leading question. Leading reading question.

Who is the book and why is it shared?

It's share. Dr. Kavorkian.

Anyone?

Armenian?

Come on, you always bring up Dr. Kevorkian's.

I would listen.

I would love to talk to Cher. I have great admiration for Cher. I don't know. She's never promoting something we haven't. I don't know. Or maybe she is and she doesn't want to do our show. I don't know.

We're.

We're into it. Sorry, we're trying to work on dates, if you must know.

Really?

Yes. I don't know if it's going to work out. We have very limited availability. I will just say I will write.

Any note you need me to write.

Oh, that'll.

Yeah. Good luck getting that past her. Nine. Nine layers of security.

What?

And so I'm Armenian, too.

Let me in.

Let me in.

Cher.

I know that your real name is Cher. Cher Sharon Dinian.

What?

What is her real name?

Sherilyn Sarkeesian.

Okay. All right.

I'm just saying. No, but I. That's a real question. Is there somebody who's not. Who and why is it Cher?

You know it's Cher because we haven't done her yet. If there is someone on. Honestly, I can't think of who it is right now. Although I don't want to say. No, I don't know.

That's a tricky thing because you're putting Paul in a situation where she may have to say a name.

And I have a terrible memory, so. There definitely is, but I also.

I think it's someone who's been dead for a while.

That's.

Can you whisper it on mic?

That's a great idea. That's a great idea.

Paul is always trying to book people that died quite a long time ago.

That does happen. That's one of my gifts.

Is it exhausting to have meetings with Conan because he's always doing, like, jokes and stuff and, like.

No, it's the best.

Sorry.

No, be serious.

You're lying.

Sorry.

No, no.

Be truthful.

Oh, okay. It depends. There's a lot of varieties.

Okay.

If it's a big meeting and there's a lot of people there, you have to wait for the time where Conan teases everyone in the room separately, and then you have to wait until. So you have to get through that. But if it's one on one, it's not so bad. There's a lot. I can handle. Whatever it is, I can handle it.

Are there too many bits?

No.

Do you like the bits?

I do like the bits.

Sometimes Paula has a great laugh. And if I can really. One of my favorite things to do, which I can't recreate right now, but I used to walk into an office, and you'd be there with Gina Batista. And I think I tricked them almost every time. But we'd be talking, and I would make sure that we were in a pretty serious vein. And they always had, you know, magazines, celebrity magazines there because they're in booking, and they would flip through them to get ideas, you know, did we not have this person? Did not have this person. And so, you know, I'd pick up one of those, An Us magazine, whatever, and I'd flip through and I'd go, like, oh fuck. And you would go like, what? What's the problem? And I'd go, why? If I'm in this, if I'm in this, why did you have the magazine here? And you guys would think for a second, oh shit, there's like a paparazzi photo of Conan and it's not flattering or he gets upset if he sees himself. And I would then proceed to read copy very fluently, like fluidly legit, meaning I'd be flipping through and I'd go like, hey, I didn't know I was in this.

And why do you have this magazine out if I'm in it?

Why do you have this US magazine.

If I'm in it? And Paula and Gina would go, oh, oh, oh no. Oh shoot. I guess we didn't realize he's in it. And then I'd say, Red Terror rides again. And you guys would be listening. And at first I'd make it plausible, cited that, you know, a certain carrot topped quipster was cited, you know, whatever on. I always work that in. A carrot Top jokester was cited on La Cienega Boulevard, you know, entering whatever. And I would say like an ice cream store. And then I would proceed to describe the most horrible thing about myself that.

Was completely fake, but it was always.

Me dropping my pants, spilling ice cream, kicking an old woman. Please stop hurting me. The old woman, a veteran of the Korean War, cried, you'll take it and like it. O'Brien said, As I remember, we didn't win that war, granny. I mean, I would describe this absolute monster. But Brian then said, where's my ice cream? When it, when the ice cream was not brought quickly enough for the. And then I would say, the freckled, you know, late night star. He grabbed the cone of a nearby boy in a wheelchair.

Looks like you lose out, wheelie. I mean absolute insane.

Oh my God.

And I think that's one of the things that's never come out is my joy.

I'd like to try to be a.

Good person, but I love imagining myself as the worst person alive. And I would read these things and you would laugh till you were crying. And it would make me so happy.

It was good. It was good.

It makes me angry how nice you are to Paula sometimes. It really does.

It makes me angry that she gives of herself at 7 o'clock in the morning to yoga with elderly people instead of. She could be on the phone booking Dakota Johnson.

How dare I? I'd like, how dare I donate my time and my skill and karma and.

That 7 o'clock time is the only time Dakota Johnson can be booked.

That's right. You know what?

Dakota Johnson said she's available to take our call for a booking at 7am.

She'S the white whale.

She's the white whale. Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah.

This is meant to be a cruel.

Staff review and we just can't do it.

Once again, you've made it all about you.

Yeah, well, she's amazing. I mean, I'll make it about Paula at the end.

Thanks, you guys.

You're great. Everyone loves Paula. Everyone loves Paula. Bo.

Boring.

Sorry.

Love you guys.

But. But thank you for getting us all these amazing people.

Oh, you're welcome. Thank you for employing me and giving me a great support.

Wait, you get paid?

Not that much. Don't worry about it.

But you donate your time for the oldies.

Isn't that weird?

For the oldies?

Well, I'm sorry.

They had their fun in the 1940s. Why should they be getting a free ride now? Oh, wait, that's the guy from the fake US magazine ad.

I know.

All right, Paula, we love you.

Bye.

Thank you.

Bye.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leo. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jim. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up@siriusxm.com Conan and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.