Transcript of #2415 - Adam Ray

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.

The Joe Rogan Experience.

Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

Hopefully. Just imagine the pain.

What's wrong?

Yeah.

That's part of the heck.

Part of it was rolling. Adam Ray, my man.

Great to see you.

Uh, guest of the year, Kill Tony. How's it feel?

Feels great.

Did you get a, a belt or anything? Some sort of a cup?

I should have.

Some sort of a cup. Like a Stanley cup?

Fucking Kill Tony. Always shortchanging the gifts.

That motherfucker.

Uh, that was the last time I saw you, I think.

You should get a jacket. That's what it should be.

That's not a great idea.

That's a great idea.

We made these, um, for the end of the Phil Dr. Phil tour, which, by the way, we have our very last one at the Wilton on December 16th, if anyone wants to.

Have you ever had Dr. Phil on as a guest?

Yes.

Oh.

Remember for the Netflix special?

Oh, that's right.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ah.

He wa, it was so funny. We were in the green room. I met him like an hour before, and he goes, uh, he goes, "No, it's your show, but I'm gonna fuck with you." And I'm dressed as him, and I go, "Well, I know you better than you know yourself, motherfucker, so strap in." And he was like, "Oh shit." And he was dying of laughing. But the last time I saw you, I think I was Tony, right?

Right.

With the mothership.

Yeah. The difference is, like, doing it on your show when you're doing the Dr. Phil show.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a different thing.

I felt, oddly, you know, the whole show's improvised, so it's a wild thing to do an unscripted show with somebody you have no rapport with.

Right.

When I've had.

And you're doing an impression of him.

Totally. So I'm trying to go, I think everything I'm gonna do is hunky dory with him, but like, I don't know if I'm gonna press the wrong button. Like, at one point, I think we sa he said something where I go, I go, "Well, marriage is tough." I go, "But we keep it fresh in the bedroom, right?" And he goes, "Okay, well, you watch yourself." And I go, I was like, "We don't use butt plugs?" And he.

Ah.

But he was, he was such a, he rolled with everything, man. It's.

I'm good friends with his son.

Jordan?

Jay.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I've gotta know, uh, Jordan, uh, who kinda helped facilitate the whole thing. He kinda got in his ear and was like, "This thing is pretty awesome, and it's making you."

You know, it's.

Making both of them famous.

Totally. And not, and, and I'm just glad that, because you never know, like, I could've, two days in, gotten a, a letter that was just like.

A legal letter.

Enough's enough.

Easily.

We, I, I, I actually ended the Netflix special with showing his signed contract, like, to the camera, being like, "Look, no cease and desist." But, you know, you never know. But it's.

He's a, he's a really good guy.

Yeah. And, and laughing at yourself is such a, man, I'm, you know what I'm saying? Like, it, I started talking about this on stage, where it's just like the people that I am friends with that, like, that, that aren't comics, that I'll be in, you know, hangs with, that, like, if I, you know, bust their balls and they get a little weird about it, it's like, "Ah, man, like, you're a bummer, not only for right now and the hang, but just this bleeds into other facets of your life."

Oh, sure.

You gotta be being self-deprecating. And, you know, within context, obviously, if someone's just, you know, you know, just making fun of you, you know.

Just being mean.

Just being mean. There's a difference.

Yeah. There's a difference between being mean and being funny.

Yeah. But like, like Tony, for example, like doing Tony on Kill Tony. I remember I was in Portland, uh, or in Eugene, at my buddy's club, Olson Run Comedy Club, shout out, great club. And I'm there, and I tell the story about how Shane and, uh, I, the Biden-Trump thing came together. 'Cause a buddy of mine asked me, he's like, "You and Shane must do, uh, have been best friends for like 10 years." I go, "We literally, that was probably the sixth time we've ever talked to each other." So we're getting to know each other in full makeup for two-plus hours. That's a weird way to build a fucking friendship.

Yeah.

And so I had.

You guys are so good at bouncing off of crowds.

Yeah.

And off of each other. It was seamless.

Right.

It was really fun.

Yeah. There's something cool about jumping in the bit boat with somebody that's just like, "Oh, I just wanna make the other person laugh."

Yeah.

Like, I got comfy 'cause he's Shane. He'd been nice about the Phil stuff, but like, you know, he, he was definitely established as Shane Gillis. So it's like, and it's Trump, and Biden's trying to find, I'm trying to find my ways to be a sniper when he's not known for being funny. But as soon as I got out there and I had the frozen eyes and I was like, and Shane started to break out, that made me feel really comfortable when Shane, like, couldn't keep it together. But so my, this kid in line at the meet and greet goes, "You should do, uh, Tony on Kill Tony." 'Cause I tell the story of how Tony was like, "Shane's gonna do Trump.

Yeah.

And the guy's like, "You should do Tony." And I was like, I kinda scoffed it off. And then I texted him and I said, "What would you think about me dressing up as you?" And he just texted back in all caps, "Absolutely. It'll be your best character yet."

And then.

But we.

Yeah.

While we're doing this, um, unfortunately, people can't see anything. So, you know, they just see us.

Oh, that's right.

But I, I wanna show.

Okay.

'Cause it's so crazy.

Yeah.

How close you get to him. It's kinda eerie.

Yeah.

Like, I didn't see it in you. How your face structure changed.

Yeah.

Like, you look like a different person.

Yeah.

It's like you, you had become Tony.

Yeah.

Like, you do a weird thing when you do characters.

Mm-hmm.

Like, you, you oddly become that person. Like, give me some volume on this.

Brand new episode.

Oh, the beginning, yeah.

Give it up for Tony Hinckle!

Oh my God, dude.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Bro, it's like you got a different face.

Yeah. Well, they.

You did something weird. You did something weird.

Yeah. They taped my ears back a little bit.

Oh, they did?

To push his ears out.

Oh, no.

And then the teeth are the same. I just got the clothes, the, the hair. I mean.

But you, you look oddly like him.

Yeah, it's wild.

Less like you than him.

Yeah.

I would think that's more Tony Hinckle doing an Adam Ray impersonation than it was, than it was.

You know, it was the best. Is, uh, Woody Harrelson was there that night and comes up to me after, and he's like, uh.

He's like, "Man, he's like, that shit was fucking crazy, man." He's like, "I don't know what was going on or what you had to do." I was like, "I watched the intro a bunch. I've known Tony since we both started." And he goes, "You kinda got a little Johnny Depp going on with the thing." So then I started going, I go, "Woody?" I go, "Maybe I am Johnny Depp. Maybe I'm Johnny playing Tony." And then he was like, "What the fuck, man?"

Bro, you should totally do that. Johnny is the pirate.

That's not a bad idea.

It's a fucking great idea.

Yeah.

I just heard your accent.

I wanna kill Tony.

100%.

In full pirate guard?

Yes.

Holy.

Just come out, Jack Sparrow.

I'm a big fan of Horns Kum. Horns Kum actually.

Dude.

That's a great idea.

100%.

Okay, yeah.

Has to be done.

Yeah. Real understated, but real.

Has to be done.

Wow. Okay.

That is your next big character.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. The Amber Heard jokes are endless.

Oh my God.

Endless wealth.

Oh my God. I was just like.

Endless wealth.

What sort of a pot could he pull from to kind of.

Oh, cocaine.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

And maybe every time he likes somebody, he goes, "I'm gonna give you the Johnny Depp bracelet of approval." And he gives him, like, a bracelet. Like.

That's a great idea.

Wow, Joe. All right.

Dude, this is a.

Holy shit.

Perfect character for you.

People have pitched to me to do.

You should have a treasure chest filled with cocaine.

Do you wanna delete this from the podcast so we can save it or?

No.

No way.

Oh my God.

This is great.

A treasure chest filled with coke.

Oh my God.

Bring out a treasure chest filled with baby powder.

Yeah.

Just buy like 10 pounds of baby powder.

And just in between, or instead of Heidi bringing out drinks, she brings me bags of coke. And I'm just bumming lines.

A fucking full treasure chest, bro.

Oh, that's so funny, Joe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Parrot.

Yeah, parrot-ish.

A real parrot?

No, no, no. Real parrot would probably freak out and have a heart attack.

Yeah.

We did, I did just, uh, so I tried this new character called Bruce Robins at the Comedy Story. He's like a mentalist magician, and it's gonna drop on my YouTube in a couple weeks. And I rented an owl for 1,200 bucks. A, like, Harlan said he knew the type of owl. Harlan was on the show too. A Eurasian, I think, owl. He said it's the biggest owl.

Wow. Whoa.

This thing was, so the whole bit was, this character, Bruce Robins, he's got like a big blonde coiff, big buck teeth. He kinda, you know, kinda from the South talks like this real fast, you know? And, you know, I'm a magician. I'm a former, former real estate agent too, but, you know, magic is my healing power. And so the bit was bringing out this owl that was like a psychic owl. And so people would ask it questions, but I had my buddy who does a really good Morgan Freeman do voiceover. So then I would hold the mic up to the owl's face, and then you would play the Morgan Freeman. So like somebody goes, uh, you know, "How many, uh, or is," somebody asked, "Is democracy, uh, you know, is democracy ruined or are we gonna save it in this country?"

Ah.

But, uh, but a real parrot for Johnny Depp would be wild. May, or maybe it's just fake.

I don't, I don't think parrots would enjoy that. It'd probably be animal cruelty.

It probably would.

The, the large crowd of people screaming at you.

And what's your, what's your creature.

Or, uh, you know, do you have any, has anyone brought, what's the craziest thing someone's brought into the mothership for like, uh, I guess.

Like an animal? No one's ever brought an animal.

I'm just, I'm trying to think.

Except Paul, Pauly brings his dog sometimes, but he's got a sweet dog.

Yeah. Yeah.

And, um, um, Ron's brought his dog a bunch of times.

Right.

Ron's got a cute little dog.

Yeah.

And I'm trying to think, when we did a Dr. Phil at the mothership, we didn't have too many crazy animals.

You ever work with Liza Schlesinger? Yeah. We did a game show.

She, she make you hold her dog.

Used to make her always hold her dog.

She just, like, give you a dog before she goes on stage.

I know.

Take my dog and be like, "Okay."

Yeah, I know. And thank God it's always the people that love dogs.

I've held multiple dogs of hers over the years.

You know, 'cause dogs die.

Oh, yeah.

She gets a new one.

Bro, I she got that new one with the scars around her nose.

Yeah.

Where she was, uh, one of those dogs that they were, I mean, who knows what the fuck they were gonna do to it.

Yeah.

But they had its, its, its face bound. I think she got it from China.

Wow.

Yeah, she did. Yeah. 'Cause I think she calls it like Feng Shui.

Yeah.

Something like dim sum.

Dim sum.

Is that it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That might be, it's close.

Something like that. Yeah.

She, um, which is racist.

Which is racist.

Yeah, very racist.

Racist.

Couldn't have gone with like Albert or Jill.

Bro, you ever been on Blue Sky?

What's that?

Blue Sky is like the ultra super liberal Twitter for people like, "Twitter's filled with Nazis."

Right.

And they ran over to Blue Sky. Uh, some guy wrote, "I'm just trying to be Zen about it." And then someone under that wrote, "How about try not to be racist against Asians?"

Wow.

For saying Zen.

For saying Zen. That's, I don't like that.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

That was one of the wildest.

Zen.

Like, reaches I've ever seen in my life. Zen is a stimulating way.

Zen is one of the best words to describe being tranquil or serene, right? Is another one.

Zen in the art of motorcycle repair.

God damn.

Zen in the art of archery.

I was just talking about how my dogs are my, like, Zen happy place, which by the way.

Imagine thinking that saying that is racist.

Yeah, that's bananas.

But that's how crazy this is, like what you're dealing with, with humans out there.

Yeah.

Some people are just off the reservation.

Yeah. You're, you posted something recently, or maybe you said something on a pod about like your love for Marshall. And I wanted to bring this up because we're thinking about finally trying to have kids. My wife said to go through some stuff to get us in a place to, you know, where, uh, where it's all right on that front.

Satanic rituals, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Goat sacrifice.

Yes, goat sacrifice.

Yeah.

She did play some song recently that's, that said it was some, maybe an Ariana Grande or something song. And I go, I go, "Are we sacrificing a lamb in the backyard? What the fuck is this?" It was just so, it made me feel so old 'cause it was so just, and I was like, "I just don't, I don't know who this is." But we're getting close to having kids and we have two dogs. And I'm like, "I get emotional leaving the dogs, dude." I mean, it's, it's bad. Like, and I don't even know how it's gonna be with kids. I mean, and you can probably attest to that.

When you go on the road?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have trouble leaving.

You can't even compare. When I go on the road, I, I know someone's taking care of my dog and he's gonna be great.

Right.

He's a sweetheart. He's great with everybody.

Yes.

I never worry about him.

Right.

Uh, kids are a totally different thing.

Totally different beast.

Oh my God.

Fuck.

It's like you don't even, you can't even imagine how much.

I'm telling you.

You're gonna love them. It's just, it's, it changes you as a human being because then you start to realize that everybody was a baby. And then most of these fucked up people in the world, they just got a bad deck of cards.

That's a great way to put it.

And they just been handed a shit sandwich every fucking day of their life.

Everybody was behind man.

And then you run into them and maybe you were lucky. You had really nice parents.

Yeah.

You lived in a really nice neighborhood. You had good friends.

Mm-hmm.

You weren't in jail when you were 12.

Yeah.

You know? And so it's just, you, you, you have more compassion for the whole world when you have kids.

I could have been in jail when I was 12. I put a firework in my neighbor's mailbox.

That's not good.

That's not great.

What if you had like a, a fucking lottery check in there?

Oh, could you sue over that? No, I guess there's no way to find out.

No, he's gonna kill you.

He's gonna sue.

He'd rather go to jail. The money's gone.

Dude, the shit, we did it with.

What do you have? You don't have enough money to pay for the a hundred million dollar lottery ticket.

Oh my God. My single mom would've freaked the fuck out.

Imagine if they said, "No, you can't." The lottery is the craziest scam.

It's so wild.

It's legalized gambling.

Yep.

Everybody does it.

But you know what it is? It could be you. That's the slogan that makes people go, "I never thought of it like that."

But it's the dumbest scam 'cause you have millions of people trying to win. And like at least in blackjack, you've got like a 40% chance of winning.

Totally.

You know, you have like fucking no chance of winning. You're just donating money.

Yeah.

Hoping that you're the one person out of 5 million.

Maybe even more.

Maybe more.

Sometimes the odds, I feel like I've been in like the 7 billions. It's like there's a better.

Let's ask, let's find out how many people go, like, let's find a lottery, like a big one.

Okay.

Like what's a big one?

Ooh, Colorado State maybe. Uh.

Like what are the big ones that you hear in the news that get.

Powerball.

Powerball.

Okay. Let's say Powerball's one. That's a huge one.

They nailed it with the title too.

Okay.

Let's guess here. Let's, let's say how, let's find out how much, how many people get paid out and how many people buy lottery tickets. How many lottery tickets are sold?

Mm.

Okay. Let's put this into Perplexity. We have an AI sponsor that can give us information.

Ooh.

So just.

Come elevated.

'Cause I talk a lot of shit and sometimes I'm absolutely wrong. So it's super important.

That is important.

To use Perplexity.

Good for you.

It's crazy when you watch it work too, 'cause you put in a prompt. Can you show how it's working? You put in a prompt and look, it just pulls out all those articles.

Oh my God.

And then bam.

Just a fact checker.

Puts a synopsis in seconds.

And a knowledge dropper.

Look at that. Look at that. In seconds. That's so crazy, dude. I don't think we realize how nuts that is.

It really is. It's, 'cause guess what? Even if it was a couple seconds to compute and like process, you'd give it the time and space to figure that out. 'Cause.

So here, here it goes. Um, the largest Powerball drawing in US history, November 7th, 2022, a jackpot of $2.04 billion.

Yeah.

Over 100 million tickets were sold for a single major drawing as the jackpot approached the billion dollar mark. For instance, when the jackpot reached 1.1 billion in another high-profile drawing, America's bought more than 111 million tickets. And similar or greater sales occurred for historical record draws like the 2.04 billion event. So only one person gets paid?

No.

Well, though there's smaller jackpots.

Yeah, they, they depend.

You can hit a few numbers and it's.

So there's like a 20 million dollar range? Oh, though there's large smaller jackpots. How many people get paid out though? Is it just one person? It depends. I think there can be multiple winners.

Yeah. You, I mean, you would hit a million bucks if you hit like all five numbers and not the Powerball.

Yeah.

Right. So.

But that doesn't affect the jackpot.

Right.

So I guess if you're asking who gets paid out of the jackpot.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a winner take all situation.

Wow.

But if two people or three people or 10 people get it, it could split evenly.

So what if, what if you go and get some of the numbers? You get some money?

You can get some money. If you get like one number, you can get like five bucks back.

Okay. They're just trying to keep you hooked.

Yeah, keep you. Oh, yeah.

They're just trying to keep you on the hook.

Oh, yeah.

And if you get, like, let's say you get, so you gotta imagine that if you give 'em five bucks back, they probably bought 300 tickets.

At least.

So you won anyway.

Yeah.

Um.

It, so I was gonna bring up this thing that happened. I think it was in Texas. Someone figured out the loophole of like.

No.

How many tickets can you buy and how fast can you buy 'em? And they figured out a way to buy.

Really?

More tickets and they won. They were profitable.

Wow.

It is a numbers game.

They had to spend like $25 million or something, but they were profitable.

Well, is that illegal?

That's where they've gotten into some issues now.

Well, here's the thing. Why, why isn't it legal if you're just buying tickets?

Yeah.

If you have a shitty system.

Yeah.

If your system sucks, and by the way.

That's all right.

Your system's been ripping off everybody forever.

Sounds like a personal problem.

And I jump in on that system and give you all this money.

I figured it out.

And I win money every fucking time.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Yeah. Maybe this is on you.

Maybe you don't like when you get scammed, motherfucker.

Yeah.

You've been scammed on it for years.

Yeah.

When you sell 111 million tickets for one.

That's so fucking crazy.

For one winner, you have 111 million to won.

Yeah.

That's.

Idea.

Bananas.

Someone might not win and it goes on the, it carries over.

I love the stories.

That's bananas.

There was, I think.

It's happened a handful of times where like the guy or gal will win and then split it with someone that they like bought the ticket with or said they'd go halves on.

Uh-huh.

You know, though, there's gotta be times where somebody did that and like, you know, 'cause I think they usually publicize who won, but there's.

Yeah.

Gotta be a way if you won like two mil to keep it kind of hush-hush and then, you know, you're, and then the buddy's like, "Man, fucking can't believe we didn't win." And you did win and you're like, "Yeah, I know. Fucking better look next year." But like.

Oh, he's gonna kill you.

Yeah. So, well, and families, I've, families have been ripped apart from these types of, uh, when they go public and name changes. I mean, I've heard all sorts of.

Oh, yeah.

There was a documentary about the lottery from the same guy who did, I think it was Spellbound. Did you ever see that?

No.

About the, the script spelling bee. They followed five kids around the country. It's a brilliant documentary. And it just goes to show you, I mean, they're all different walks of life kids. And some are, you know, their parents are like spelling, they're all pretty like, you know, serious about it.

Yeah.

But some are very, uh, I think there's a young, uh, Indian kid and his parents are like, "Yeah, spelling is life." And then there's a young white girl and her parents are also very like disciplined about, you know, her being on top of this. And then there's a, a young, uh, black girl and her mom is kind of like, "If she's happy, she loves doing it, I'm a supporter." You know, but it's all different walks of life. And you follow them almost like best in show up until the big event. And then it's the actual spelling bee, which is just, you know, so fucking you've, I mean, you've seen some of these on ESPN, right?

Yeah.

Over the years.

Yeah.

And the pressure though is like what's wild.

Yeah.

Seeing a kid at that age deal with that type of pressure.

Yeah.

Like even though they love it, they're up on that stage like, "Fuck, I remember I played the Cowley line in fifth grade. I freaked the fuck out. A, because I was a feck, you know, I was fucking, my tits were falling out of the line suit. I asked for ice cream cake instead of courage when I got to Oz." But like these kids are having to, there's money on the line. The parents have like dedic, they've flown all across the country. Like anyway, but the guy did a, a doc about the lottery and how it's the pros and cons, but mostly about how it is like a, a big scam and stuff. And it's, you know, just kind of a social experiment really.

Well, it's definitely, it's definitely a way to keep people hooked. It's a gambling thing.

Yeah.

It's, it's 100% a gambling thing.

Dude.

But it's like very, very profitable for the government.

It is.

But the thing about it is nobody who wins ever gets happy. It's not like everybody who wins.

More money, more problems.

I don't wanna say everybody who wins. The vast majority of people who win go broke within a very short amount of time.

Oh, really?

Yeah. They blow through their money.

Okay.

And they wind up getting robbed or something happens. And like it's, it's not like you've had an unsuccessful financial relationship with, you know, with money and.

Right.

With funds and, you know, being prudent with your expenses.

Right.

And then all of a sudden you win the lottery and you're like, "Okay, great. I'm an accountant. I know how to handle this." No, most people are just like barely getting by. And then they win the lottery and they've always been late on bills and now they're buying a Rolex.

You're going from zero to 60.

Yeah.

Yeah. You can't adjust.

This is the winner of that $2 billion lottery.

Oh, look at him.

Wow, dude.

Look at him.

He's just a kid from LA.

Look how happy that motherfucker is.

Yeah.

You better run, son. Run to Canada. Run to Canada. Run.

He's gonna buy so much underwriting.

Go somewhere, go somewhere where they don't know who you are.

Man.

Enjoy your life and lie.

Did you ever.

Lie about where you got your money.

Yeah, I do.

Say, say you got a business, you know, say your dad died and.

Went in on an ad.

Whatever.

Yeah.

Yeah. Grandpa left you a lot of money.

Yeah.

He had gold coins from the war.

No one questions.

His fucking.

No one questions old artifacts. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't say you won the lottery because.

Yeah.

Then people don't think you deserve it. So if you're Jeff Bezos.

That's a good point.

You made Amazon, there's pictures of you in the fucking garage with a Amazon.com sign above your head.

The early days.

Yeah, the early days.

Yeah.

Like, you know that guy built that fucking company.

Sure.

So if he's out there balling, that kind of makes sense.

Yeah.

You know, you see Jeff Bezos has a giant yacht. You're like, "I'd have a yacht too if I were."

Totally.

I'd do that.

Totally.

I would do the same thing.

Totally.

So, but when you get the Powerball and all of a sudden you got $2 billion.

Just like that, dude.

And by the way, it's not really $2 billion 'cause it's $2 billion if you live to be like a thousand years old.

But they take it.

They pay you tax on it.

Like a hundred bucks a week.

Yeah. It's weird.

So like they pay out.

Or you can get all of it in once, in one sum, but it's never the same, it's never the same amount.

Mm-hmm.

They give you way less.

Yeah.

Which is horseshit.

It is.

So if you want to get the $2 billion, it's probably like how, what is the actual, let's find this out. What's the actual payout schedule that you can accept?

Right.

Either the payments where they just pay you like you're, "We got 2 billion coming your way. Guaranteed. Promise you."

Yeah.

But we're gonna give you a little every month.

Feels like it.

But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What did you do with the 111 million tickets you sold, motherfucker?

Yeah.

You sold 111 million tickets. What'd you do with that money? Where's that money?

Yeah.

How about give me all that?

Yeah. No shit.

What the fuck are you doing?

No shit.

What is this?

So.

Like, uh, 30-year annuity option.

30 years.

Wow.

They wanna pay you for 30 years.

Would you take that or just take the.

Nice and slow.

Yeah.

That's the way we do it, see. Nice and slow.

Nice and slow. It is that guy.

Oh, no. Is this that? I thought I said this guy. I didn't, this says this option pays out the full advertised jackpot amount.

Oh, it's a different one?

I didn't know that. Let me see if that's real.

By the way, that voice.

So there's.

You were doing, that's for sure the head of the lottery.

Nice and slow.

A Mr. Burns Al Pacino type guy.

That's how we're gonna pay him. Nice and slow.

Oh, yeah, dude. In a Fila jumpsuit.

Yeah. Some dude just stealing money.

Oh, yeah.

He's got a fake Rolex on.

Oh, yeah.

Paying him nice and slow.

Oh, yeah, dude.

30 years is crazy. If you win the lottery and you're 60, bitch, you ain't got 30 years, especially with lottery money.

No.

That kind of cocaine.

You gotta take it off.

Yeah. Cocaine and Ferraris. Like you got lottery money.

Wait, what do you think you're doing? 'Cause you, I mean, you're, you're fine. But like, did you ever fantasize about like that? I think it's normal to be a person if you, as long as you've been aware of the lottery, I think everyone has had that conversation.

Yeah.

What would you do if you won the lottery? I remember having that as a kid. And I remember telling my dad I was gonna win the lottery just to fucking, you never have to work. Like, what? How did I even think to, but you just, you hear about it and you're like, the idea of, of just getting rich right away and then not having to do it anything, I think is, is pretty common in this country, right?

Well, it's a wonderful idea. Like, 'cause everybody hates work.

Did you ever think about it though? Like when you were.

Oh, sure. I played the lottery a bunch of times.

But like, did you fantasize about what you would do?

I remember how many times I played it. Let me think how many times. Man, you know, not a lot of times. I, I think I've probably played it like all told in my life, like less than 10 times.

What did you write down or, or say to yourself?

I'm not like a vision port type.

But like if you got like, let's say you did win like 500 mil and you were in your early 20s or something or even like teens.

Oh, I'd be broke.

Yeah.

I'd be broke and ruined.

You would've gone through it all. You wouldn't have put it.

I would be ruined.

You wouldn't have put it away for the fam or yeah.

No, no, no, no. I'd be doing a GoFundMe right now. I'd be.

Oh, man.

I'd be going on some sad tour.

Yeah.

People would be like, "What about when you had all that money?"

Oh, God.

Fuck you, man.

Fuck you, man.

Fuck you, man. You know what I went through, man.

Joe's doing safaris and standup for animals.

Um, I think the winning the lottery is bad for you. I know that sounds crazy because if you don't have any money and you want money and may, maybe not bad for everybody, but bad for me.

Yeah.

Let me say that.

Yeah, you should.

I think if I won the lottery, it would be bad for me.

Yeah.

Because I'm the type of dude who needs like a thing to be working on.

Yep.

I like, I have to, I want, I wanna improve at stuff.

Yeah.

I drive towards things. I'm trying to like figure things out all the time.

That's a great point.

So I'm all of a sudden not doing that.

Your drive is gone if you win the lottery, I think.

Especially at a young age. 'Cause if you're like, so let's go back to like when I was like 22. I was 22. Uh, I was working odd jobs while I was doing standup at night. I was, uh, working for a private investigator. I was like, maybe I was making 20 bucks an hour.

Whoa.

Like maybe.

Did you really do that?

Yeah. I drove around a private investigator.

Holy shit.

Yeah. He was a, a good friend for years. Like he died recently.

Oh, so funny.

Uh, his name's Dave Dolan. He was, he's the best. I kept one of my old phones just 'cause he left me a message. He used to call himself Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan.

Oh.

He, he, he was a hilarious guy. The funniest guy that I've ever met that wasn't a comedian. He was so funny.

I love that.

He was so funny. And the crazy thing is what happened was he lost his license from drunk driving. And, uh, he put in an ad for private investigators assistant. But really what it was is someone to drive him 'cause he couldn't drive.

Yeah.

'Cause he was, you know, lost his license for like.

Yeah.

I forget how long, like three months or something like that. So, um, I, I signed up for the job. I meet him, you know, this is back when I was still competing, I was still fighting. So he liked that I could like fuck people up.

Yeah.

If something went sideways.

Yeah.

And so then we would go and most of it was insurance fraud. It was mostly like catching people, like doing things like, uh, pretending their back was hurt. Then you catch 'em carrying roof shingles up a ladder. There was a lot of that. Uh, people, they, they get hurt. Like working for an airline, this one lady, oh, this was so sad 'cause she let us into her house. I felt so bad.

Mm-hmm.

We would, it was a scam. And the scam was Dave would show up and say, um, "Ma'am, uh, my girlfriend was in an accident and when the police took the license plate of the witness, someone spilled coffee on the report and it's confusing which letters are the last letters and one of them is yours."

Mm-hmm.

So we got these two. They weren't right. We were hoping it's you. And they were like, "What's, what's wrong with your girlfriend?" And he goes, "Well, she's got this injury, which is exactly the same injury that this lady had, that she was supposedly getting, uh, that she was, you know, disabled from."

Yeah.

And so she's like, "Oh my God, I had the same thing." And he goes, "I hope you're getting paid." And she goes, "Oh, yeah. Not only am I getting paid by insurance, but I'm also working under my maiden name." He's like, "Oh, that's great." And she goes, "Would you like to come in, in the house and have some coffee?"

Oh.

She was the nicest lady.

Oh, good.

She had us in her house. We were two strangers.

Oh, God.

Some fucking thick looking Irish dude with a mustache that's Dave and me, like this 21-year-old kid with a fucking crew cut.

Yeah.

And you're just letting us into your house.

So interesting. Fuck.

Giving us coffee. I'm like, "She's so nice, man. We can't do that. We gotta, we gotta pretend this didn't happen." He's like, "Fuck her. She goes."

Oh, she.

Fucking thief. That lady's a fucking thief. Fuck her.

Yeah.

I was like, "Oh my God."

Gotta be ice cold on that.

I can't do this. I, I, oh, I only did it for a few months, but that's all he needed me for really. But we became friends.

What a life, dude.

Yeah. He was an interesting cat, man. He was a fun, one, one of the guys. There was a guy who, um, thought his girlfriend was cheating on him or wife. I forget. And so.

That feels like a lot of the cases they get hired for, right?

Yes.

Like.

Sure. But mostly what Dave did was insurance stuff.

Okay.

Because they, they had the most amount of cases.

Right.

It was all about fi it's just, it's just a numbers thing.

Yeah.

Um, so this one was, I think, I think my girl's cheating on me.

Mm-hmm.

So he hires Dave, uh, to take this, his wife was hooking up with this fucking barbarian, this dude who's this big old bodybuilder dude.

Oh, my God.

And he was just pounding her. And Dave had to take pictures. And then he like brought the pictures.

Of them fucking?

Brought the pictures to the guy. And then the guy was like, "We'll keep following her." He's like, "Fuck you." He's like, "I don't know what kind of kink you're into." Like this, is this like a, are you doing.

This should be enough.

No, it was almost like he was into it. It was almost like they were playing a game.

Oh.

Like a cuck game.

Oh, wow.

It was, you know what I mean?

Maybe I'm cheating on you. Maybe you should hire a private investigator and see the pictures.

The guy just like the, the girl was, the, the lady was very hot and he was very not hot. And then there was this bodybuilder guy.

Fuck it, dude. It is funny you say that. My brain immediately went to if my wife was cheating on me, that would be the worst version. Just a huge guy. Because like if it's Shaq, you go, "If we do get back together, there's no way." Well, you're not, by the way. But like if you do, like you're just, you can't go back in there.

Right. It's over.

I mean, I see Shaq now with like when there's pictures of him next to his like girl he's dated, I'm like, is that, that should be illegal. But I guess, I don't know if he, he's gentle. I don't know. How do you, how do you do that? I don't know.

You gotta ask him.

Have you had Shaq on?

No. I'd love to have him on. I love that dude.

That would be incredible.

He did Fear Factor with me.

No way.

Yeah. He co-hosted Fear Factor one day, one episode.

That would be an unbelievable conversation.

Yeah. It was like me and him hanging. I had a joke. I was, it was like a six-year-old hanging out with his dad.

Like just sides of a, I had a joke about, uh, a lady, um, guarding the White House. 'Cause it was during the Obama administration.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, a guy broke into the White House and they had a lady, an unarmed lady at the front door.

Sure.

And I had this whole joke about like not everybody can guard the White House.

Yeah.

And like, listen, I've met Chico O'Neill. His dick is where my face is.

Yeah.

I'm like, if the White House is experiencing a Shaq attack, I'm the wrong dude to save the world.

Oh, my God.

Like he's just gonna run over me.

Yeah, yeah.

He's too big.

Yeah.

You know, but that guy, when you're, you're hanging out with him, you're like, "Okay, giants are real." Like there's real giants in this world.

Yeah.

Like, look at us.

Oh, you did at uni too. That's awesome.

Oh, yeah. It was fun. But he was a fan of the show. He was real cool.

That's awesome.

Yeah. I see him at the UFC all the time too. Imagine that guy got into MMA. 'Cause he's a martial artist. He practices martial arts.

That's right.

There's some good video of him working out, like kicking pads and punching mitts and shit. He's got technique.

Is it cool from your perspective when people like that jump into that art form? Are you just like.

I love it.

Yeah.

No, I love it. I want everybody to do it.

Wow.

It's good for your brain. And now don't do it 'cause you wanna be Billy Badass, but do it because it, it, it's like the best way of releasing aggression and making you a nice person. It sounds crazy. I know.

No, that makes sense.

But like hitting something.

Sure.

Like a bag. You don't have to hit a person. Hit a heavy bag. Just boom, boom, boom, boom. You get all that shit outta your system.

Wow.

Look at him next to Francis Nganno. That's former UFC heavyweight champion Francis Nganno, who is a giant man standing next to Shaq and Shaq towers over him.

I mean, it's, it's honestly.

He's too big for the UFC. If Shaq.

Yeah.

If the UFC was around.

That sounds unfair for him.

When Shaq, no, no, no. He like literally is physically too big.

Oh.

Like the UFC has a 265 pound weight limit for the heavyweight division.

Oh.

Which is kind of crazy.

Yeah.

Heavyweight should be as big as you get. It should be like, I think it should be like 225 and up. That's what I think.

Yeah.

I think there's not enough weight classes, but that's a separate conversation. But Shaq is way bigger than 265.

Yeah. 350 maybe.

He probably would have to cut 80 pounds to make the UFC's weight limit.

I think he was under three when he got in the league. He was real slender, which is crazy to be that big and be that fast. The fact that he did what he did in the NBA is really wild.

There's giant super athletes, which is like the difference between the NBA, the NFL, and then the UFC.

Yeah.

Is like the UFC doesn't get many guys like that.

Right.

Most of the like super athletes, when they're kids, they go into football, they go into baseball, they go into basketball. That's where the money is, you know, for a lot of them.

Yeah.

Like way more, like there's way more spots probably for football players than there are.

1,000%.

For UFC. Like how many, how many professional, uh, football players are there in the NFL?

I mean, there's 53 per team and there's.

Let's find out.

Two teams.

Over 1,000 at least.

Don't make me do math. I'm stupid.

I mean, well, that's why we do this.

That's just that. There's also, there's practice squads. There's another 12 or 15 on a practice squad.

Okay. Let's put it into perplexity. Find out how many overall players are, um.

I'd say.

Employed by the NFL.

I.

And then do it for NBA, uh, MLB, badminton, tennis.

And then cricket.

Croquet.

Chinese sports.

And Che, uh, Checkers, Parcheesy.

Yeah.

Uno tournaments.

I was just gonna.

Pyramid billiards.

The number for the NFL could get way bigger 'cause there's guys that, you know, are half retired and only play like three games a year.

Okay. So what do you, if you had to guess.

53 times what there's 30.

Jamie knows a lot about stats.

Yeah. There'd be probably 22,000.

22,000. Okay.

No, no, no, no. Not 20. I was gonna say 2,500 or 2,000.

Yeah.

2,000's probably a fair number.

And is that, that's just NFL, correct? And then you have XFL. How many people are employed by the XFL?

Great question.

I uh.

And baseball is a 53. No, baseball's 2, 53 man roster for baseball?

No, baseball's way less, like 25.

So for UFC, just UFC, I think right now they have 600 fighters under contract. Mick Maynard texted me.

Wow.

About that recently.

1,700 players.

53 for football, that's right.

On active rosters, and then another 400 who can move around.

Okay.

So that's like 20.

So that's NFL. That's just NFL.

What a crap shit.

So it's essentially 2,000ish.

It's about 550 in the NBA.

Mm. Okay.

And the draft each year is probably another, you add another.

30 to 40.

Also, you have to take into account that a lot of kids, uh, you play football in school, right?

Yeah.

So if you're gonna play football, you play football in high school.

Yes.

You play football in college.

And they go in early.

Yeah. But it's a sport that everybody plays and it's normal to do. Like everybody in the neighborhood plays. If you play baseball, everybody in the neighborhood plays.

Yeah.

You, you all, you, you play in middle school, you play in high school. MMA, you gotta go to a gym. You gotta learn. You gotta get kicked in the nuts.

It's a solo sport.

You're gonna get kicked in the nuts more than once. You're gonna get punched in the face. Your nose gonna be bloody. You're gonna have a headache. You're gonna have sore joints 'cause people are trying to break your arms. And you're gonna be showing up at school every day going, "What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?" So it's hard to get a kid that can also play basketball really well to decide, "I'm gonna let someone kick my shins out from under me."

I don't know what kid would do that. And also.

It's gotta be a kid that only wants that.

Yeah.

It's gotta be a kid that watches the UFC.

Totally.

And goes, "That is me."

Like Tiger Woods was golfing, what, at like three, two or three, right?

Right.

Like, it's so not that you would be doing UFC or MMA at that age, but what is the young.

But you would.

Yeah.

Because a lot of people.

Yeah.

Who have sons, they just, and daughters that are really into it, they start training them. A lot of these fighters train their kids at an early age.

I remember having like, you know, WrestleMania type, like stuffed animals and wrestling.

Oh.

With them at like five, six, seven. But it didn't obviously turn into, uh, a passion. But like that at least it was like at that age of like roughhousing and throwing shit around and like trying to beat somebody up. But I guess to take a shot to the dick as a kid, like, yeah, you gotta be made of steel.

Well, you, I think generally to the your parents encourage you to do it early and you do like traditional martial arts and you get kind of excited about it. And then you start watching the UFC as you get older. And then maybe you start doing some other stuff. Like maybe you start out in jujitsu and then you work your way to a little Muay Thai. And then as you're like 13, 14, you probably start thinking, "I think I wanna fight."

Yeah.

That's what happens with a lot of these guys.

You're probably not taking shit in school, by the way. Like if your teacher's like, "Martin, I saw you weren't paying attention." You're like, "I'm bleeding outta my dick, lady." You know, like you're just.

Yeah.

You've, you've seen, you've gone through some shit where you're like, "This is not my biggest concern right now."

Well, it's definitely not your biggest concern, but it's also boring. That's the real problem. When you do exciting things when you're young, you can't.

Yeah.

Parse it out in your head and go, "I know I have to do this boring thing because this is really."

You're saying about school.

Yeah. This is really important. When you're doing this exciting thing.

I know, man.

You're, you know, kicking people's heads off. Like this is way more fun. I don't wanna, I don't care.

Yeah.

About history.

Did you play baseball?

Play baseball?

You did.

Yeah, I did.

What position?

Um, you know, I wasn't very good. Um, so I was an outfielder. But one thing I did do is I hit, I either hit home runs or I struck out.

Let's go.

Because I would never just try to get on base. The coach would always say, uh, "Just try to get on base. Just try." I'd be like, "Right." I just, I just fucking ignored.

That's cool.

I hated team sports. I was not a good team player.

Yeah.

In that regard. Because I mean, I was good in that I tried to catch balls.

Yeah.

And I tried to make the out.

I bet you were a fun teammate though, right?

Oh, yeah.

You were the jokester and like.

But I was also like, "I am going to hit the fuck outta this ball."

Come on.

'Cause I hit my first home run, I think when I was like 12 or something like that.

Wow.

And I was like, "Oh, this is way better." I was like, "This is way better than just hitting a ball."

Sure.

'Cause as you get bigger and stronger as you, and you get a little bit more coordinated and you feel what it's like to really fucking connect and get your body into that.

Oh, yeah.

But that really translated into martial arts too. Because learning how to hit things hard, I think it helped that I learned how to hit a baseball hard.

Is there a correlation with like the, the torque and the.

Yeah.

Lower half and the twisting?

100%.

Yeah.

Yeah, 100%. Because when you're hitting a baseball, like I was never a great baseball player. Okay. I was just a kid who knew how to hit a ball hard.

Still?

I wasn't a good baseball player.

Hand-eye coordination.

But there was a thing about this, about this timing.

Yeah.

This crack like that that translated directly into kicking things, like directly. So I think learning that at an early age.

Wow.

I was like, "Oh, it's like a body, it's a timing thing, but it's like a whip of your body."

Yeah.

And that's the exact same thing with kicking.

My, uh, my buddy, I'm actually wearing his hoodie, Cal Raleigh. His nickname is the Big Dumper. And he had.

Wow.

He just lost the MVP to Aaron Judge by like four votes. But he had, and it was a big dispute and big debate because he's a switch hitting catcher. He's a catcher. He hit 60 home runs this year.

Whoa.

The most by any catcher ever. He, the most by any switch hitting, um, catcher, uh, switch hitting player. He broke, um, he just broke so many records. Aaron Judge ultimately won the MVP because statistically he was outrageous in so many categories. But it was a big debate. I'm biased. Cal's the man. Um, but also, you know, a catcher is handling so much more during the game.

Yeah.

Aaron Judge played the outfield and then Aaron Judge looks like if four loco grew into a person. Cal Raleigh is like you wanna have a bud light with. He's a fucking everyman. He won the home run derby. His dad, who was his high school baseball coach, was throwing pitches to him during it was a better story for baseball. But I actually wanna get your opinion on this. If you are going, 'cause I think the writers were just like stats. Like Cal batted like 246. Judge was like 380 something, I think, to end the year. But again, Cal like broke all these records and for a catcher and like made baseball cool and like put, you know, gave, um, a position a lot more love.

Yeah, it's a good conversation, right?

Yeah.

It's a good conversation.

Do you follow baseball enough to fuck with that?

Yeah, I don't.

All right, let's move on.

But objectively, I would say go with the best stats.

Yeah.

The guy who's played the best.

I guess.

That's the most valuable player.

But a switch hitting catcher.

Fuck it. It's a very valuable thing.

Yeah.

It's just not the most valuable thing.

Yeah. You know what they gave a lot of credit to is like judges in New York on the Yankees, and they get so much press and so much love. And Seattle's up here in the corner, right, furthest away. Like.

Right.

Everyone's just like, "Isn't that the fucking Coffee Soundgarden place?" And it's like there's a catcher up there. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I don't, that stuff I think does matter the, the national attention.

Mm-hmm.

But, um, I don't know.

There was a guy that was a really good baseball player that became a martial artist and had a wicked right hand. This Japanese guy, Takanori Gomi. And, uh.

Great name.

Oh my God. This dude, he was a pitcher.

With martial arts and, oh, and play baseball.

Yeah.

Wow.

He, he was a pitcher. And like that's how he started off. And he just had a whip to his right hand.

Yeah, dude.

And you think about like how fast a pitcher moves his body. And I'm sure you've seen that one where, what's the dude's name that killed the bird?

Oh, Randy Johnson. Bro, that's a former Mariner. That clip is amazing.

It's unbelievable.

It's insane.

I know.

So it's like sad.

It's a once in a billion. It's very sad, but it's a once in a billion thing.

Once in a trillion. Joe, the timing of that. First of all, birds fly through stadiums like, you know, every now and then. And also you have the fastest throwing pitcher arguably in the history of the game.

Right.

Throw at his peak.

His peak.

Throwing, I think, 100.

Throwing.

Can you imagine that bird?

And he hits that bird.

Right before that.

Dead square.

Do you think that bird, I mean, I don't know. Do they have thoughts?

I'm trying a little fucking stupid brain. Looking for seeds.

Okay. Fuck that bird.

Looking for seeds.

Fuck that bird.

Fuck that bird. Fuck that bird. That bird existed for that moment.

It did.

The universe wanted us to see it. The bird was virtually pulverized and killed instantly. Famously, Johnson was sued by PETA for the obvious freak accident.

Sued? That's insane.

Not saying.

And look at this. Johnson resents the way he's remembered as the bird killer.

Ah, you can.

He was Randy, you gotta let it go. His nickname was the Big Unit when he was in Seattle.

Yeah. No, I, I remember that guy.

Dude, that's wild. And then there's the famous, uh, as if we're talking bird accidents, Fabio on the rollercoaster. Remember that?

No. What happened with Fabio on the rollercoaster?

Fabio opened?

Getting bit by a bird?

Oh, man. This is unbelievable.

Oh.

He's opening a rollercoaster at some theme park. I wanna say Great America. And he's on the beginning and he's like, "Hello, Fabio here. I can't wait to ride the rollercoaster." And, and, oh man. And somewhere in the journey, a bird flies outta nowhere and breaks his fucking nose, dude. Yep. Boom.

Bro.

Feathers and all.

That's crazy.

So everyone's like, "What happened?"

Yeah.

And then he goes on ABC to talk about it.

A goose. It was a goose.

He's look, he's like.

But goose are big.

He's like, "I can't believe it's not butter, but I can believe that bird had a vengeance against my face." He was the butter guy, remember?

Oh, that's right. He was the, the romance novel guy too, right?

Yeah. Yeah, dude. What a life.

Wild. Chicks like reading their porn. You know that?

Great premise.

It's true.

It is.

It is true. Like guys like watching porn.

Before porn, that's what it was.

Yeah. Well, girls have always been into erotic literature. And some of it's like, you remember the 50 Shades of Grey stuff?

Come on, man. That was like.

All of a sudden, ladies wanted to get spit on and choked. Like, what's happening? My friends were telling me these stories. Like, she told me to spit in her mouth. I was like, "What? Did you do it?"

I know my stepdad was like, "Your mom wants me to push her against the drywall." I was like, "What?"

What the fuck?

This is an inside thought, George.

It got real weird for a while.

It did.

Then it kind of died off and went back into the shadows. But romance novels, like pornographic romance novels.

That was the first way to.

But they're not pornographic like visually. Even like the way they depict sex is like a feminine.

Yeah.

Way of doing it. But.

But 50 Shades of Grey, I think, was like.

That was graphic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

What the fuck was that all about, ladies?

What?

Well, he hidden. And then there was the Twilight one. You want a vampire that loves you.

I'll never understand that. Yeah, I'll never understand that.

You want some dude who kills people.

I guess it's not for us.

Sucks their blood. He's been around for 1,700 years. You're only 16. The whole relationship's disgusting. This is disgusting. You're a thousand years old.

That's gonna be weird too.

You have a 16-year-old girlfriend?

I know.

This is what do you talk about?

Also the werewolves and like the, yeah, just having.

He was alive when Cleopatra was here.

Yeah.

And he's talking to a fucking 17-year-old.

Yeah.

This is stupid.

Would you judge someone more that was into vampires or feet?

Um, vampires for sure.

Yeah.

Feet's not that weird.

It's not that weird, I guess.

It's kind of, you know, they're cute. They look good.

Yeah. You could justify feet.

Yeah. It makes sense, I guess.

Yeah.

The vampire one is nuts.

Yeah, you're right.

Like how, how old was the vampire in, uh, Twilight? He wasn't that old.

They were high school maybe, right?

No, but he wasn't that old. Like I was saying, he was alive from Cleopatra.

Oh.

That was, that's bullshit. It was, he's really probably only like supposed to be a couple hundred years old, right? Is that the case?

I never saw that. I thought he was supposed to be real old though.

At least a hundred. Imagine a hundred-year-old guy pretending he's, he's gotta pretend and hang out in high school.

Oh.

That's how he fits in.

Yeah, dude.

That's how he fits in.

That's my friend.

Hundred-year-old guy's gonna force himself to go to high school.

Yeah, that's weird.

How old was he?

104.

104. Okay. He's in high school.

By the way, so pale?

Hanging out.

Yeah, he didn't even handsome as fuck. Handsome as fuck, dude. But super pale. Something was up.

Mm-hmm. Well, you're in Seattle. You can get away with it up there.

Totally. I went to the, um, I think it was opening night of Twilight when I did this movie, The Heat. It was, um, uh, after Bridesmaids, Paul Feig did this movie called The Heat with Sandra Bullock and Wes McCarthy. It's like a big, you know, uh, buddy cop. Uh, and I played one of the bad guys. First big movie, summer blockbuster. I'm like, I heard the trailer was being played during Twilight. And I was like, never seen myself in a trailer. So my buddy's like, "We gotta go to fuck." And it was like, they're playing the R-rated trailer, the red trailer. So we go to Twilight on like opening night at, uh, The Arclight in, uh, in Hollywood, RIP.

They're not terrible.

They're not.

They're not terrible, but they're odd. And I don't necessarily think they're made for boys. I think it's a weird lady.

It is. No, it's, yeah, it's for the girls. Yeah.

Yeah.

What's our equivalent?

It's a weird lady fantasy. But it's very odd that there's a vampire movie that's specifically for ladies.

You know what our equivalent is?

What?

Weird Science.

The show?

No, the movie. Weird Science.

That's right.

Remember when the two guys make the woman on their computer?

That's right. Oh, that's right.

Come on, dude. Anthony Michael Hall and, uh.

I forgot about that.

Great movie. Jamie?

Who was that lady?

Jamie, pull up the whole movie. Let's watch the whole movie.

That lady was very beautiful. Who was that?

Kelly LeBrock.

Kelly LeBrock.

British, I think.

She was, yeah, she was the super hottie back in the day.

That was one of the.

Made her in the lab.

Bro, that was one of the first movies I remember seeing being like, "Okay, what is this dick really for?"

Weird Science.

Great. Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Oh, not Anthony Michael Hall. Oh, wait. No, that's a remake.

Yeah.

Anthony Michael Hall was the first one.

Oh, there was a TV show.

And was that Bill, uh, Paxton is the crazy brother.

Uh.

Yeah, dude. Who made that? John Hughes. Come on. Just had his finger on the pulse, cool.

Wow. How did they make her? What, what was the ingredients?

Just, it was just great question.

You know?

It was, you sound like one of the parents trying to recreate her. So how'd they make that girl, by the way?

Is Wyatt and Gary.

I give her a Wandidgeous marionette glands.

Wandidgeous?

Wow.

Something you want to change.

Oh, look. They have a computer.

Yeah, dude. Something out of this world.

Yeah, dude.

Alive.

What would you little maniacs like to do first?

Oh my God. That's her opening question.

Weird Science.

If you wanna be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle.

Not us. Not here. No way.

She is turning their lives.

Trust me for once, will you?

What is going on?

Gary, I don't know you.

I don't know what happened.

Their minds.

Trailer is crazy.

She just wanted to make them cool, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't even wanna fuck.

No. You know, they must've been like, "Dude, did you not put in the right code?"

Yeah.

She's here to like take us to dinner.

Yeah. Why would you stop with that? Let's try one that doesn't talk as much. Let's try the next one.

I think they just did it on their computer. It was just like a bunch of.

Yeah. It was so easy to do back then.

Such a funny thing too. Like.

Yeah.

We were just so trusting. We're like, "That's probably how you do it if you were gonna do it."

Imagine like that's how stupid it is.

Yeah.

Just put a, a bunch of numbers in the computer and your door to your bedroom explodes.

I know. Make the boobs bigger.

That's so ridiculous.

Crazy.

It's funny because people probably thought one day.

Yeah.

And that they might be right. According to the plot, they, uh, they hacked some, they hooked some electrodes up and they hack into a government computer system for more power.

Oh, for more power. Awesome, dude. Believable plot. Table for one.

Oh, as long as we have more power.

Yeah, just more power.

Just a hot lady.

But I guess when you're watching that.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're just like, "That's, yeah, that's how."

What are the odds that it makes a hot lady? Like, what are the odds?

Yeah.

That that works first time ever? Two fucking high school kids figured out.

That's right.

And we were like, "Take my money. Tell me this amazing story."

Oh, yeah, dude. I'm surprised there was no scary movie type parody of that, of them.

Oh.

Like making the wrong gal or something, you know?

Oh my God.

Like John Goodman in a, in a wig comes out.

What year was that?

'85.

'85. Good for us.

What, what year was Soulman?

Uh, probably like '89.

Soulman? I haven't seen Soulman.

'86.

What's that?

Oh.

Okay. Go to that.

Yeah.

Soulman.

See Thomas Howell.

See Thomas Howell pretends to be black. So he go to a different school.

He's like, he I forget how it happened.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Wait, what?

Yep. Bro, it's.

No.

Bro, it's crazy.

Julia Louis! No!

Yeah, yeah.

It's not even good. Oh God, what? Oh, man.

Yeah, Julia Louis Dreyfus is in it.

James Earl's in it.

Bro.

How did he sign off on this?

Because people didn't know any better back then.

Yeah. All right. Fair enough. They didn't.

They were basically just climbing out of the caves. And they were like, "What year is this?"

He intentionally takes too many tanning pills to turn his skin darker and gets a scholarship.

Meant for African Americans.

Tanning pills.

He took tanning pills like as if they had tanning pills back then.

Is that pre-tanning bed? What a dude, again.

I have a peptide now.

Now, do you think somebody puts.

They have a peptide now that can actually give you a tan.

What does it do? Does it like just jack up your melanin?

Uh, yeah. What's it got? Melanin?

Somebody give that shit to Rachel Dolls though. I'll see if they take her back.

Oh my God. Did somebody pitch a do you think somebody was like, "We got, we need a blackface movie, but what's the story?" And they're like, "Ugh."

Well, is it comedy?

He wants to be tan. He takes too many tans too hard. It was a c yeah.

And he can't get in a scholarship any other way?

Is that that must've be.

Is that part of it?

I guess, right? So he got a scholarship because he's black.

Because African American studies.

Yeah.

Do you have to be African American stuff, study African American studies? That doesn't even make sense.

Yeah, we're finding some holes in this.

That's just as bad as Weird Science. This is fucking.

I found a.

This is more science fiction.

I found an art, uh, New York Times 1985 article talking about, uh, warning pills about getting an early tan. They had pills for getting a tan back then.

Whoa. What did it do? I know like carrots will do that to you.

It says, "FDA replied, can the Naxondanin is not approved for use to be ingested for to color the human body."

What? In oral tanning products?

Candidax?

The use of candidaxin in, in oral tanning products is illegal. Tanning products have been seized under the provisions of the Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act and further attempts to import these tanning products. Oh, it's all imported. FDA warns that tanning pills contain food colorings that accumulate in the blood, skin, fatty tissue, and organs such as the liver. They even cause the user's skin to acquire an o they often cause the user's skin to acquire an orange tint.

I didn't take the pills. I took no pills. They told me to take the pills. I said, "I don't need it."

I took a lot of those pills. I drank.

Yeah.

I took two mails, plus.

When you love the Biden cocktail, what they would give him when he have to would have to do like press conferences or a debate. The debate cocktail must be extraordinary.

It was just Capri Sun and, uh, Plan B gummies.

Bro, it must be extraordinary.

It's got a.

What happened to this guy? Get a real tan, not a fake orange tan. Sun tan pills. You can get a real tan.

Oh my God.

That, that guy looks yeah, he went from like white guy to.

That's not real. I know. It's not real.

No, they put a filter on his ass. But they used to be able to sell anything in the back of magazines and it would just be a total scam.

Oh, really?

Oh my God.

You knew it was a scam just 'cause it was in the back of the magazine or what?

X-ray goggles and all kinds of shit that didn't work.

Like Sky Mall shit?

No, it was like the back of stupid magazines and stuff.

Gotcha.

They were just fake ads. There was no rules back then.

Fuck.

People just scam people, sell you things that was totally horseshit. And you're like, you're stupid enough to send your money through the mail.

Yeah.

And you never got anything back.

I'll see some of that stuff on Amazon every now and then where I'm like, "How is this up there?" Like there's certain.

Amazon has a lot of fake products, unfortunately.

Right?

There's a, a lot of fake, um, supplements that are sold on Amazon.

No way.

Yeah. So if you buy from a, a major company like Pure Encapsulation.

Why don't they filter.

TikTok trend again somehow?

Yeah.

Obviously.

Oh, TikTok trend again. Tanning pills. They're taking it again.

Yeah.

It's not surprising. We love our pills. America, what do we love? Our free speech and our pills and our McDonald's.

We do enjoy it. We do enjoy a pill.

Um, what is the what's the can I can you show me what it looks like? Is there like a before and after taking that stuff?

That's what I was looking that's what I did. That's what this.

It's only that.

This guy was. I don't this.

Yeah, but there's gotta be like some modern people. Are those that one's AI in the second row, right? With that girl with the crazy eyes?

That's AI.

Oh. So this guy took it.

Maybe.

Interesting.

He could have also just put tanning lotion on his skin.

Yeah. I mean, that's the thing too.

Yeah.

It's like those before and after weight loss things. It's like, was it really the product or did you just.

You know.

Take some time?

We were talking about last night, uh, Brennan Shaw and I one time. We were watching these bodybuilders, and you know, bodybuilders used to dye all of their skin, including their face.

For what?

Well, the more the darker your skin is, the more contrast, more it shows your muscles.

Gotcha.

So when they get like real shredded and they, they dye their skin like super dark.

I always wondered why they were all so.

But now, after the woke stuff, it's become offensive to dye your face. So they dye their whole body and they leave their face white.

Hilarious.

So they have chocolate body, full chocolate body, white face.

Oh my God.

It's so silly.

Neapolitan body.

It's so silly.

Oh my God.

It's like, what are you doing?

Who got him who came.

What is this craziness you've done?

Who complained about that?

Look at him. Look.

Look at you.

Well, I mean.

Look how kooky that is.

That is kooky. That's not even the kooki. There's some really kooky ones.

Oh.

Where people have white faces.

Dude, what are you doing?

Well, that's there's a whole video of me and Shaw like with a with a bunch of different examples of it where we thought it was really funny.

Man, the discipline of the bodybuilders.

But it got weird because they yeah, like look at that guy. That's.

Oh my gosh.

Ridiculous because he can't do his face like that 'cause he looks fully black.

So now you just have to accept that this is how they're all gonna come out and look on stage and just.

Well, that guy went for it.

Yeah.

He's like, "Fuck it."

Fuck it.

Fucking I'm going blackface.

Yeah, that's Barrett Brine Stein.

Yeah. Yeah, you can kind of go brown face, but if you wanna get full chocolate body, like some guys go full dark.

Dude, wow.

Like so dark they, they could be like straight from Cameroon.

Can I ask you?

That guy's pretty dark right there. I mean.

Can I ask you?

Look at those quads.

That's what I wanna know. Like. And I mean no disrespect by this. What, what why? Why like what makes you wanna have there was a girl I went to elementary school with, and she for a little bit became a bodybuilder.

Mm-hmm.

And I think you I looked at it as she had kids. I think she was maybe midlife crisis and was just like, "I wanna do something where I push myself and get into shredded, amazing shape."

Okay.

Is how I viewed it from a Facebook vantage point. But like, is this in you as a kid? Is it like you have a, a thirst for working out and then you just go too far? Or is it the same way we like standup and have an addiction to that and, and a love for it? Is it really like, "I wanna compete and win, win at this"? It's not just about looking good. It's about like having the best instrument and competing against other bodies and having the best body. Is that?

Well, litter is a bodybuilding competition.

Right, but like why do like to have your legs look like that? What is the.

Different people like different things, Adam Ray.

All right.

You know, and they clearly like being jacked.

Yeah.

They like looking like that.

Yeah.

They like being they look like a fucking living human, incredible Hulk.

Yeah.

They like it.

Yeah.

You know?