Transcript of #2573 - Legion of Skanks

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.

The Joe Rogan Experience.

Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day.

Pretty balls move to do dressing out of someone's ass and have that work out for you night after night.

Bob Levy did that for 20 years.

Yeah, and I don't think it ever failed. I never think he had a night where it was like, ah dude, well, keep the dressing sealed.

How many times did that guy get pink eye?

He must have.

It must be off the charts. He must be like the number one pink eye patient.

Yeah, well, when he wrote the joke, it was definitely— it's like when a guy becomes a gynecologist, he assumes like, well, it's all gonna be hot chicks coming to show me their pussies. And then he has to end up doing it to like fat Philly women as they come on stage.

A guy who does that, like if that's what you're doing all the time, you're working on vaginas, like that's like a cop who's like constantly pulling over people who are lying to them. You just assume everybody's fucked up 'cause you're only dealing with like mostly broken people. Yeah. People breaking the law.

Pieces of shit.

You're only dealing with broken pussies.

Yeah, the ones that are— yeah, they're not— the perfect ones aren't in there. They're not like, hey, does this still look perfect?

By the time someone's going to a pussy doc, especially a male pussy doctor, which is really odd. It's really odd. All the different things that you could choose to work on, the brain, the eyes, you're like, eh, vaginas.

If you would've asked me when I was 13, that would've been my dream job. Yeah. Pussy doctor?

You thought so. At 13. Yeah. And you thought, you're like, well, all these porn stars must have to go to a doctor. I'll be that guy.

I'm not gonna pussy doctor school for 8 years. That's crazy. Yeah,

yeah, there's gotta be some of them that are— well, a lot of, a lot of doctors get into drugs. They— because they can prescribe them and they prescribe them to each other. Like, like, I have a doctor friend and he's always on something. He's always doing something. He's always taking things like, I need this for that, I need this for that. Like, they just take a pill. Like, there's a lot of them. There's a book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie. by Joel Wallach. Interesting book. But what it's mostly about, like, nutritional supplements and how you really— nutrition is the foundation of health, not going to the doctor. And that most of these doctors are really out of their fucking head. And he was just talking all these different stories in the book about different doctors that die of overdoses in the middle of a fucking operation. Like,

well, that's the number one cause of death, right? Or like one of the top causes of death is malpractice by doctors. They can't— like, hospitals are regularly fucking up.

Yeah, they fuck up. Malpractice, or something happens during an operation, is like the 3rd leading cause of death.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the worst. He goes, all right, we're gonna cut that tumor out right after I get these spiders out from under my skin. Probably right back. I have to go scratch for a little bit.

Itch away.

A friend of mine, his wife went to the doctor 'cause she had to get a kidney removed, and they removed the wrong kidney. What? They removed the good one.

Oh, and then finished it and were like, you're good to go, and then you figured out—

They figured it out afterwards, and he, you know, there's a lawsuit, the whole thing, you know, he won't—

What the fuck?

When they pulled it out, do you think they were like, looks good? Bro, I've heard people get— What do I know?

The wrong leg amputated. Like, there's a lot of—

What's the review process like on that when they sit everyone down? Like, what went wrong here? It's like, honestly, everyone did everything right except for the fucking guy who got the wrong fucking kidney.

It's like everything else, man. There's guys who are shitty drivers, but they still have a license. You know, there's guys who are terrible— That's true. There's guys who are terrible carpenters. You hire them to build your house and you go over the work like, what the fuck is this?

I think a lot of work like that is, it's just people always that are willing to do it. Whether they're good or not doesn't matter. Yeah, they're willing to do it. Like, I'm not a willing-to-do-it guy because I go, well, I'll do it bad. But a lot of people are just like, I'll figure it out.

Yeah, there's also just some shithead who was like, all right, I'm gonna make it through law school and then that's that. Like, I could have gone to law school technically and—

No, you can do that.

Become a lawyer or go to medical school.

They make movies about this. There's like Bahamas schools you can go to that like Really? It takes nothing. Anybody can get in. Yeah. And if you know, if you, if you graduate with C's, you're a fucking doctor.

Like, if you go to medical school in Mexico, can't you just take a test and then come over here and be a doctor here? No, there's no—

Why does everybody always say the cab drivers are doctors?

No. Well, there's a difference between driving cars and like, that's a big problem with commercial vehicles. They just give illegals commercial vehicle operations and these motherfuckers don't know how to drive these trucks at all. And some of these huge accidents that we've seen over the last few years, It turns out that a lot of them are illegal.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they just get— but if you're a doctor and you're a doctor, say, in India and you come over to America, you have to go through a whole lengthy procedure to get licensed.

That's always like the joke of it. It was like your cab driver is like, well, I was a spinal surgeon back where I'm from. In Russia. Now I smell like this.

Yep.

You guys know that story about the one guy who, uh, there was, uh, I guess his kid He's like an adult kid, but his kid was like in a coma and they were gonna like take him off life support. And then the dad was like, no, he— I can tell that he's still— there's something left there. He's not gonna die. And then he brought a gun and he had like a, like a 2-day standoff with like the police. Oh Jesus Christ. And then his kid came out of the coma and the kid survived. He went to jail for like a year, but he saved his kid's life.

Holy fuck. Wow.

Did you— have you seen the phenomenon? Everyone keeps reminding me, so I forgot about the Anne Heche when they were taking her out, like her dead body basically, and it popped up and sat up and they shove her back down and put her in the ambulance.

Oh, that was like a big conspiracy.

Yeah, but she might have been dying. I mean, she was in a horrible car accident where she ran into a house on drugs.

But she was like in a body bag and they pushed her back down. Yeah, uh, I think she like comes out of it. I think it's like unzipped.

Really? What? She popped back up?

She popped back up.

She like the Undertaker. But apparently there's phenomenon of that happening. Like there's video you can see in morgues like Things happen in the body where the dead person's like, you know, like their arm will completely go up, and so they just like stiffen in a weird way.

Well, there's been people that they brought to the morgue that came back to life.

That's crazy.

That they thought were dead and weren't dead. They just had such a low heartbeat that they just assumed they're dead. Some people just get to the door and don't go through and pop back out. But there's another problem. The problem is organ donors, you know. In order for you to donate your organ, you have to actually be alive. So the way they donate organs is like if you die in a car accident and then they bring you to the hospital, he's been dead for 2 hours, they're not donating any organs. Oh,

I thought that was the whole thing. Yeah, they could take my dead organs.

Yeah, that's what you think. Yeah. And so this is the problem, is if they want those organs and they're pretty sure you're gonna die and you're not gonna make it, they take them out of you

while you're alive.

The question is, who makes the call? And there have been times where people said, no, you're not gonna do this, and then the person survives. Where they wanted to make the call and start harvesting organs. This person's dying, they're not gonna make it, but we would like his kidney. It matches this guy's—

'Cause they need 'em, like, I guess if you die they start to rot.

That's all speculation. I don't know what, you know, I don't know what the thing is, but—

It's like hostile.

But what happens is, you have to be alive when they're actually pulling those organs.

My brother-in-law has—

So they'll say you're brain dead. And maybe a lot of people are brain dead. And look, I have a friend of mine who has a fake heart. Or not, excuse me, not a fake heart. He got a heart from somebody else. He got a donated heart. So it's like, it really helps people.

Yeah, my brother-in-law has, uh, my brother-in-law has 2 lungs. He has transplanted lungs.

Cold preservation, typical windows between organ recovery and transplantation. So this is right after they pull them out of the body. They have to do it very quickly. But when they pull them out of the body, I believe you have to actually be alive.

Yeah, yeah, they can't be oxygen deprived, it says.

Right. Okay, so what does it say?

The kidney transplant is usually like both people there, right?

Yeah, they just take one out and put it in.

That's it. That's if you're like, you're white, like George Lopez, his wife donated a kidney to him. So there's one cutoff. The key is whether the organs are still getting oxygen, not simply how long the person has been declared dead. The biggest distinction between the organs left without circulation and organs that a doctor promptly recover and preserve for transplant. So if like at the moment where your heart stops beating, they get it out of you. They can probably use it. But this idea that like you could be dead and then they bring you to the morgue and then they can take your organs, that's not how it works.

I signed up to be an organ donor because I assumed that it was like you get into a car accident, you're dead, they can— you can give your organs away. But now it's like, do they— you think they really give the 110%? Like, can I take that back?

Don't cut me open.

Yeah, yeah. And then you just hold your license up to your— I scratched that off my license. Sorry, bro. Sorry, dude.

That's what I'm afraid of. I mean, I'm not accusing anybody of doing this, but when you are when you have a thing where you can profit from it, you run into like weird gray areas where people can make subjective calls. They can make a decision whether or not you live or die, and they might be wrong. They might be right 99 times out of 100, but that one time, if that's your niece, and then, you know what I mean? Like, that's someone you love. Yeah, whoever it is. And then—

If it's me though, when I say if they're gonna kill me, if it's between killing me to give someone Whatever they need from me, which I'm sure my organs are garbage.

Your fatty liver. I mean, you put your fatty liver into somebody. Could you imagine? So we're gonna take it in a large heart and put it into this person.

It won't fit into a child.

Smells like Marlboros.

So we had that Christian Slater movie, it's gonna be on the outside of his body.

He's like, oh, so we have a black lung here.

Yeah, sorry, bro.

We're just gonna clean it out before we put it in you.

But that's a wild— yeah, my brother-in-law has 2 lungs that aren't his. It's so weird. Oh

my God.

And that's a life you have to live. Like, uh, it's funny, he couldn't come see— I opened for Shane at the Lincoln Financial Field, and my whole family came to that in Philadelphia except my brother-in-law because it was like— He saw Shane's SNL set? No, it was the— it was— yeah, he was against it. He, uh, you know, that was the wildfires in Canada that were causing like smoke. He was like, he can't go outside in that. It would be like certain doom for him the rest of his life. And you can't take— and for the rest of your life you got to take anti, uh, you know, rejection, uh, medicine, which is basically immunosuppression. It's like giving yourself AIDS, right? Just like sit there, open everything. It's like, well,

but way less fun.

Yeah, I have a mild cough. I'll see you guys in a month.

You guys know the Ben Askren story?

He almost passed away, right?

Yeah, he, uh, got an infection in his lungs and was rotting his lungs out. Like, he didn't want to go to the hospital. His wife talked him into going to the hospital, and they realized like, oh, you're— you've got holes in your lungs, like you're gonna die. And then they had to do a double lung transplant on a healthy, you know, elite wrestler, former MMA champion.

I'm gonna explain— I want to explain to you the kind of hypochondria I have, is I now feel that exact thing happening to my lungs as we speak. I think you're just preserving the cigarettes. Oh, that's what's happening.

Who would like— like the guys who get their faces torn off and they get a full face transplant? That technology has gotten way better.

It's gotten weird though, because you got no eyes. So you can't really smile.

You can't really smile. Face off for real?

What's your will to live? That's almost the point. If like, if you, if you're an organ donor and it's like the choice is you can give that organ away, or it's like you have a nice long journey back to being where people can at least like appreciate you or listen to your ideas again.

Yeah.

I don't know, give the guy a lung, give the guy my pancreas.

Yeah, but it depends on like what it is. Like sometimes people just come back and they're fine. Like whatever the— like it's not like every time you're almost dead it's the same, you know. It's, it's, it's just weird when someone can make a decision as to whether or not you live or die and it's the wrong decision, but you're dead and no one cares, and then the hospital makes money off of it.

You gotta turn it over to God, dude. That's what, uh, Hulk Hogan. Remember when Hulk Hogan was talking to his son when his son got into the accident and the friend died? And Hulk Hogan was on the phone with his son, I think just trying to make his son feel better, but you remember what he said? No. He was like, I don't know what your friend John did there to get wrong with God, but— I guess he was like, what the fuck?

He wasn't saying his prayers, he wasn't eating his vitamins.

His pythons were under 20 inches.

Bro, when someone— people start interpreting the Bible in that way, like, I don't think you're reading it right. I don't think that's how it works. Like, you're supposed to say, I'm sorry your friend's dead.

Yeah, yeah. Not giving the reasons why you think he died.

Also, the reason he died was his son drove them into a tree at 100-some miles per hour.

Are you guys watching this? Where the priest gets killed by the cross?

Oh, have I seen it.

I've watched this a thousand times.

Jesus. This priest—

It's the craziest video because this poor guy was in the middle of like— wasn't he talking about like that you have to get right with God before you die?

I don't know the actual words.

I mean, I'm talking about like the Jack Hulk Hogan phrase. Yeah,

this is the first— this is the first time the church ever was scrambling to find some dirt on this guy, right? Like, you want to be like, oh, we found out this guy— I mean, there's kids buried all under the rectory.

See, the thing about those guys is they have to be really careful because they all have secrets. And if one guy rats one guy out, then they start doing a deep dive. Yeah, like Catholic priests and pedophiles. They— that's just linked. There's no way you say Catholic priest to someone who's our age or your age and in, in any way it doesn't enter into your mind.

Yeah, Steve's brother is a Catholic priest, which is hilarious.

I just completely— He's a good guy

though,

right? Yes, nothing shady. And it's a tough thing.

But we can just tell you for sure, sure, he probably has and we just haven't found out yet.

Well, but he's like, he's like, it's a tough thing when people Like, I, I— what's tougher, telling someone you're a comic or telling someone you're a Roman Catholic priest? But you have to like put that like, but I'm a great guy, you know? Like, I'm not a person that you wanna—

I am disgusted by children's bodies.

Yeah, whatever.

You have to preface every conversation.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, bring your ugly kid over here.

I'd rather fuck a dog.

What? Excuse me, a dog?

Yeah, I love dogs. It's weird that, that that those two are just connected and we're trying to pretend they're not.

Well, when was the blowup of it? Was it '80s? Well, I mean, '90s where they were really up there. It's like they're just moving them around. It was like, uh, yeah, girls gymnastics coaches. They're just shuffling them around fucking parts of the country.

And there's a documentary called— I think it's called Hear No Evil. It's one of the worst documentaries you could ever watch. Like, don't watch it. Uh, but it's basically about this Catholic priest and they, they take him from one place and they move him to another place. And I think the story was that he molested 100 deaf kids. They moved him to a place where the kids were all deaf, and he was just molesting these deaf kids. And this was one of the ones— I believe the story was this is the ones that Ratzinger, you know, that one pope that was disgraced and removed? Yeah. He was involved in that. So a lot of these guys before, you know, when they're moving up the ranks, One of the jobs is you take a Catholic priest that's been molesting kids and you move them. You just move them to another area. And they've been doing that forever. That was their standard policy.

And you know what they say, wherever you go, there you are.

Yeah.

Who says that? That's Dr. Seuss.

Yeah, that's right.

It was also a little problematic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh yeah. By the way, I didn't know. I went to, I think it was in San Diego once, that American Comedy Club, walking around and there was like an art gallery. and it was doing a Dr. Seuss, like, exhibit. And you go inside and, like, very quickly you're like, yo, this guy drew a lot of, uh, pretty racist, uh, stuff.

Oh yeah. Yeah, he was problematic.

Oh yeah.

And old, like, uh, was it Looney Tunes or Warner Brothers? Oh yeah. A lot of stuff in that too.

Super racist. Well, we've seen— there's, you know, the, the Big Bad Wolf. Like, what was it? We've seen this before, Jamie. It's like the original one from, like, the 1930s. So there's a Big Bad Wolf that's banging on someone's door.

Yeah, it's Goldilocks.

And they pull the mask off, and in the original one, it's a Jewish guy.

Oh, really?

And they converted it to a wolf later.

Yeah, it's great.

It's great. It's so funny. You realize this was a cartoon for kids.

Yeah, and way ahead of their time, how accurate they drew that Jewish person.

Yeah, I saw it.

It was like, is that Ari?

But it was like open. This is before World War II, so it was just openly fine. Yeah, to laugh. In a cartoon.

There was a racism episode. I saw this on YouTube recently, a racism episode of Bewitched where like the, you know, the blink wiggle the nose trick was to make this racist feel bad. They were all— he was gonna see everybody as black and it's the entire cast in blackface, including the children. It's the craziest fucking thing I've ever seen.

Well, that is one of the wilder things though, honestly. that you can't change the color of your skin because it's racist. You can't pretend to be of a different race.

Well, back in the '80s and '90s, you can just be like, look, I'm a basketball player. Yeah, right. The amount of people that have blackface Halloween costumes from the '80s and '90s, and they're like, I hope this never comes back.

Justin Trudeau.

Yeah, but we are being conditioned to like fear the thing at all. Exactly. Like, I'm certain because I just watched reruns of stuff when I was a kid that I saw that Bewitched episode. It didn't strike me at all because I got that it was like an anti-racism message, do you know what I mean? I got the point. I didn't go just like, still, no matter what, that's cool. But now you're like, shit, you can't fuck around like that. Even the witch? I didn't think anything about most of those things.

It's also because people— Ted Danson. Yeah, Ted Danson. Ted Danson.

That was the thing that got me.

Roddy Roddy Piper, when he wrestled Bad News Brown at like WrestleMania 6 or whatever, he came out in half black body paint on his whole body. Roddy Roddy Piper.

Half black is fine. That's fine. That's not full black. Mulatto.

At Naked Roast a couple years ago, I painted my cock black, and I was like, I just did black cock. And I was gonna do blackface, and I started to put it on, and Yamanaka walked by, and I was like, ah, this isn't a good idea. I just walked it off.

Yamanaka would definitely call you out.

It's also—

Don't get on Yamanaka's bad side, Jesus.

Also, blackface got like— it's too blanket statement because it shouldn't be considered blackface if you're doing brownface because that was like, that's the Bewitched thing. Yep. That's blackface, which fun— which is, I think, hilariously looks less offensive to Black people technically, but that's the actual paint they would put on for blackface. Yeah,

like the Al Jolson days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's that. Those minstrel shows, those are crazy.

This is a good question. If let's say you were getting an organ, you got into an accident and you needed somebody's organ, but they were only going to give you a Black guy's organ, would you take it?

Steve. Yes, of course I would take it. I want to live.

Wait, for real?

No, that's a silly question. All right, what if I give you a choice to take a white guy's heart or a black guy's heart and you get to choose?

I want to know what they did.

Yeah, give me their profession.

Tell me what these guys did with their day. Did they eat fruits and vegetables and work out all day? Give me the black guy. Give me 100%. Give me the guy who's healthy. That's what I want.

Black guy doesn't work out, but he still has a better body. Never worked out once.

He goes, all right, well, you're gonna live healthy, but you're never gonna dunk.

Nope, that's the way it goes.

You gotta weigh the good and the bad, I guess, with everything.

There's trade-offs. It's weird because whiteface is totally fine. Like White Chicks. Like, you could do White Chicks 2 today.

Of course.

No one will care. No. It was a funny movie. I look forward to it. But it's such a weird thing that you can't pretend to be someone. We should make Black Chicks.

That'd be a fun movie to make. Yeah, boy,

you could go to town with that one if you were really bold. Oh yeah, Drewski.

Yeah, Drewski, dude. I mean, that's hilarious.

Drewski did Erica Kirk. But the fucking people on the right, man, they lost their fucking minds. Did they really? Yeah, they lost their minds. The retards.

They bait on that that much?

That's crazy. You know, the lowest IQ, farthest right, Ding-dongs who are— their whole identity is like being an online MAGA person. There's just like a low IQ version of that that's out there that no matter what you do, fuck you, fucking traitor. There's, there's those people. Fuck Drewski, I'll never listen to him again.

Did you— were you a big fan before? I loved all his skits.

He's funny, man. And look, it's kind of odd when your husband dies and then all of a sudden you've got sparklers coming out from behind your ass and you're wearing glitter pants and you're walking out like you're Led Zeppelin in 1977. It's a little weird.

The Final Countdown should have played.

It's a little weird. I mean, I don't judge people on how they grieve. I wouldn't want to be the person who watches her husband get shot in the neck and then see people celebrate. How much that would just psychologically fuck you up. And then I'm sure they probably put you on some medication because it's probably insane to deal with. Yeah. So they probably give you something to fucking calm you down. And so then they're like, listen, Erica, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna have crazy music and then sparklers behind you, and you come out.

Like, what is this? That's his funeral?

Like, is this your sweet 16?

How long after he died did that happen?

Days. Like a week. That was the memorial. It was like within a week.

It was days.

The sparklers are wild. Like, what are we—

And the memes were crazy.

She's in hair and makeup. Like, she got hair and makeup for sure.

Well, that's what you have to do. You gotta look good.

Dude, all the memes that came out would be like a car with like fireworks shooting off it doing circles and it says, grieving my husband, Erica Kirk.

Dude, I've had an in-depth conversation with my wife about what I expect after I pass away. Like the amount of grieving and the amount of consoling that you— like I don't even want her to leave the house for 5 or 6 months after the news.

I'm gonna go the Kirk way, dude. I want fucking Bigfoot and Gravedigger coming at each other over a bunch of Broken-down cars. Hell yeah. Let's go big.

You swore on your wife's life last night on Story Wars and were lying. Wait

a minute.

Story Wars.

You're trying every—

No, I told the truth. I told the truth.

You're trying every way to get her out of your life without you having to do anything. Too much true crime now.

No, I expect full inconsolable, just wearing black, a veil. I want that level of pain and sorrow when I'm gone.

How long before a new guy comes along?

No. Never? Never. To death? To death, dude.

Wow.

To death.

Now let's say she dies tomorrow tragically. I need companionship.

I'm a different kind of person. I require companionship.

I understand that. No one likes being alone.

No, I don't want to be alone. Okay, but that's my personality.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Her personality is what I'm telling her, that she has to be very sad when I'm dead. That's the way it goes.

Say it while pointing with a cigar. Also does send a nice message.

And you're gonna be sad, kid. Yeah.

Once I die, I don't care. Just cremate me. No, I care. You know, move on. I, I, you know, I think that's that. I think once you die, the lights are out.

The cremation thing is another scam. So you assume you're getting your dad's ashes.

No, they give you a mix of ashes.

Oh, come on, really? They give you what's in the pot.

Absolutely.

I had my dog done and I look, I literally go, this is awesome. It's a human jaw.

It's a sock.

Chickens are in there. All kinds of stuff's in there.

When we put my dog down, we had to pay more money to have him cremated separately from other dogs. They told us, they were like, look, If we do the regular cremation, you're getting other dogs' ashes. But if you do it separately, we'll have a clean thing, and we paid more money. But they don't even give you just ashes. They give you little chips of bone. There's pieces of bone. It's not— it's really bizarre.

I like more of like the— if I was gonna do any idea like that, 'cause I think burial's stupid, but the, you know, they'll put you in a pod that a tree's in or something. I'm like, sure, do something like that.

Yeah, they'll put your body under a tree.

They should make those things cost a bazillion dollars though. That's the problem. Those things cost like a gazillion dollars.

No, that should be standard. That should be how we do it in national parks.

But I mean,

you know what the best one is though? Tibetan sky funeral.

What happens there?

Oh, there's— there— this is crazy. So their tradition is to take the bodies up to the top of a mountain, and they break the bones apart and chop the bodies up into chunks. And the vultures are everywhere. They know that they're gonna do this, so they've trained these vultures to eat these people. So they bring the bodies, all the local villagers, the people who've died, and they're up there hacking their limbs into digestible chunks. And then the vultures are just swarming them. They're all over the place.

And that's like the reasonable people of that place?

Well, their thought is like, you are part of nature. You will now get absorbed by nature, and you will go right back into nature.

Taking on that job, though, you have to have like a Dexter personality. Yeah.

Well, I mean, sort of, but in these people, it's like just their tradition. tradition. The person's gone, and what you're gonna do is just sacrifice them to nature. And isn't it better if it feeds these animals that are important for the ecosystem?

Yeah, until that bird shits on your head while you're walking by.

If it was somebody's wishes, do you think you could— Yeah. Even when they're dead, cut their limbs off? Yeah. You could? You don't think you'd have the stomach for that?

Yeah, I could do it. I wouldn't want to do it, but I could do it.

Wow.

I think you want to do it. You don't have to do it ever.

Yeah, but I wouldn't want to do it to a loved one. That's for sure. Like, I wouldn't want to cut my wife up after she's dead.

We tried to fillet a fish on the podcast weeks ago. I mean, Steve, we looked over at him, he was just like with puddles of fish guts in his hands.

I watched a video, I thought I had the thing down, and I couldn't get a scale off this fucking thing, dude. I chopped the head off, I started just fucking going against the grain. I— it was coming apart. I almost cut my fucking hand off with a knife. I literally was like this. It looked like Cerviche when I was done.

Have you ever go on a boat, like a charter boat, and go fishing with guys who do it every day? Yes, I have. Those guys are masters, the way they fillet those fish.

And they're doing it while the waves are going up and down.

Yeah, a little catch and cook. I do it anytime I go on vacation, dude. You catch it that morning, you bring it back to the villa or the hotel, they cook it up for you.

There's this one dude I'm obsessed with online. He lives in Hawaii, and I think it's called— I'll find it. It's called like Saikama or something. It's like Sycamore Syndicate. Hold on, let me find it.

Is that just paprika?

Goddamn it, I gotta find this guy. But what he does is, um, I don't remember the name of his Instagram. What he does is he goes— see if you can find it, Jamie. He goes on— I think we've shown him before— goes online with a kayak. So he's got a kayak, he takes this fucker out. There he is, Sycamore Syndicate. That's it. So this dude goes fishing out of this kayak, and then he cooks a gourmet meal On the kayak in the middle of the fucking ocean. It's the coolest thing.

Yeah, they club him in the head to kill him.

Now, can I tell you something? Can you back it up, Jamie, a little bit?

Like, listen to this. The way this guy does it. He busts out a chopping board, he's got a knife, he brings different herbs and garlic and minces things up. I mean, literally makes like gourmet meals.

Poké Balls.

Yeah, man. I mean, he does a bunch of different things. Sometimes he cooks, he brings a burner on and he'll cook fish, but

You got me into that guy that at the end that goes, super.

Oh, that guy!

Wilderness cooking! Yeah, he cooks on like a rock and shit, dude.

Yeah, Azerbaijan. That guy's awesome.

Yeah, it'll be in the winter sometimes, it'll be in the woods.

So this dude is like, like every week he's doing this. Crustaceans? Yeah, man, but it's really fucking interesting to watch. Nope. Because this dude— all right, so right now he's— I'm down. He's just like, it seems like he's gonna eat those raw. But a lot of them he cooks. See if you could find one where he cooks. So he makes these, like, fucking, like, really complicated meals out there. And they look fantastic.

If I was sitting across from him when he's holding any of these fish, I would be actively screaming. Dude, I know. I'd go, get out of the mouth! It's angry! It's angry at us!

So this dude—

Look, that's what I tried.

Oh, is that what you tried?

That's what I tried to do. No. It did not end up like that at all.

It didn't.

You gotta learn how to do it from someone who knows what the fuck they're doing.

I know, but—

It's not an unattainable skill.

I'll be better at it next time.

You will. You'll

be back, dude.

Me and Jay tried it. Me and Jay both sliced our fingers within seconds.

I cut myself. It still has a little scar. Yeah,

it looks so good though, and it looks so easy. Did you ever try fishing on a— Oh

my God.

Canoe? I did. No, I flipped over. I was trying catching a trout out of a lake and the whole thing flipped over.

This— every, every one of these videos begins with what I would deem to be danger.

Yeah.

Like, we're in danger.

Like, I wouldn't even hang my feet over the side like that.

Well, there's definitely tiger sharks out there. Oh, there's a great video of this guy on one of those.

That's Italian cooking right there. You gotta pound it down good, flat.

We played this the other day. There's a great video of a guy that's on one of these, and this tiger shark comes up and bites the side of his kayak, and he screams, tiger shark! And you see this fucking mouth come out of the water. Really? Yeah, he lived. It didn't get him.

Do all sharks have teeth? Because I caught a sand— I'm serious. 'Cause a sand shark, I caught, my friends got a boat That's the level

of discourse. Look at this. Yeah, this tiger shark.

Yo, I went swimming with tiger sharks in Hawaii. That's scary.

Yeah, bro. I mean, that guy could have lost a foot there for sure. That thing's clamping down on his kayak.

You know where that never happens? Land.

Yep. Yep. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

That never happens.

You know what doesn't happen in the sea? Puerto Ricans.

That's true. I know. So you're really damned if you do, damned if you don't. Sometimes you got to get your ass out there.

Yeah.

So why were you filleting a fish?

We did, uh, end of summer podcast games where we, uh, you know, stuff you do in the summer. We filleted a fish, threw a football, diving contest. What else did we do?

It was against another podcast.

Colin was here yesterday.

Yeah, yeah, they beat us. Yeah, we did— one of the things was a football throwing challenge, and Jay and Steve, they pride themselves as being like sports guys, so they had to have a, uh, Jay had to have a blindfold on while he held a hula hoop above his head while Steve tried to throw the ball across the yard through the loop.

Without hitting him in the face, groin, body, or anything like that.

It was so scary.

Shout out Tristan Bowling.

Look at this. Joe, you tell me where I went wrong on this.

Yeah,

well, first of all, this is a sharp knife.

That's Tristan. Yeah.

No, we had, we had, we had sharp knives. We had really good knives.

Okay.

Oh, that's you, Steve?

No, no, that's Tristan.

God, it's so violent.

Let's go, Tristan. This is it.

That's Steve over there.

Yep. Also, there's a race.

It's a race to see if you get it done first.

And you're filleting it as well?

Yep.

What are you doing?

Yeah, yeah, you're being too aggressive,

dude.

It's a more gentle process. First of all, one of the things you do is you start from the top of the back. So you started from the bottom where the guts are. When you make the fillet, you start from the back and you slice along the spine.

Joe, where were you this day, dude? So you see where you went wrong?

I could have helped. So

you see where you took a left there, Steve.

Giving out pointers. There's a method.

I mean, that is crazy. What's in front of you?

That looks like—

that pile of shit in front of you looks crazy.

That looks insane.

It looks like a Maxwell murder.

That looks like a Tibetan sky funeral.

Yep.

It disintegrated. That's the right word for it. Yeah, it was pulverized.

Put in a crock pot. I think I told you.

It's a skill.

Oh, fuck.

It's the thing you got to learn how to do.

It's what I don't have. I'm— I don't— I've never taken a fish off a hook. I, uh, I've gone on the boat with like on the Burt tour where they take you fishing and they're like, you want to hold the fish for the picture? I'm like, I'll point to it. Probably this guy,

uh, with his pink fingernails.

Dude, I need a glove or something when I go to get the hook out. I'm not like, uh, a guy who can just grab the fish because it squirms too much, you know. You get nervous. You get nervous, you know. Plus it's living. I'm trying to get it done quick.

These guys are real pussies. They're not real men like us.

It's just one of those things you get used to. You know, if you had to live off fish, you'd figure it out real quick. If you got stranded on an island, you would be like, remember when I could barely hold a fish?

In the morning on Sundays, they show bass fishing, and I'll watch that for like an hour because those guys, the way they just sit there, they know the spots.

I'm torn on bass fishing. Why? Because they don't eat them. They're just fucking with these fish. They're just— they're tricking them and then they're letting them go. It's fun. I've done it. I love doing it. I love bass fishing, don't get me wrong, but Part of me is like, what are we doing here? We're not even eating these things. It's torture.

Why don't people eat them?

It's just the catch and release.

There's a bunch of issues.

When I was young, people would catch bass and yeah, they would get them like cleaned and cooked.

They certainly can. You certainly can eat them. The problem is they have forever chemicals in them now. Almost all freshwater fish are polluted. Almost all of them. If you eat a freshwater fish from a lake in the United States of America, you're gonna get a very high level of PFAS. And these are a bunch of forever chemicals that come from environmental toxins, plastics, all kinds of shit that's in the oxygen, or in the air rather, the atmosphere that gets down into the water from rain, from runoff, from, you know, every time it rains, all that. You don't think about it, but all the fucking shit that's in your car, all your oil dripping, anything that someone left in the gutter, all that shit runs into the lake. And when that stuff runs in there, you're— it's never going anywhere. It stays in there and it gets in the fish.

There's no flow.

Like, pull that up, Jamie. Pull that up in Perplexity. Like, the— what the toxins are that you can get, environmental toxins from freshwater fish. So you

get like an aspartame thing where it's like, it turns out you have to drink 700 Cokes a day, probably today,

probably. But I do know Steve Rinella told me about a guy who got real fucking sick because he was a tournament fisherman and So a freshwater tournament, like catch a bunch of perch, and they eat them. Perch are delicious. But he ate them exclusively. That was his whole diet. His fucking health fell apart, and it turned out that was why. I was like, he was literally poisoning himself. Freshwater fish can contain contaminants, especially mercury, PCBs, and PFAS that accumulate in their— in the— from their water and food. The risk depends on the species, the lake or river, and how often you eat the fish. Freshwater fish are aren't uniformly unsafe. So, uh, it's just a lot of people recommend that if you're gonna eat freshwater fish, don't eat a lot of it, don't eat it often.

Yeah, when I went fishing in Puerto Rico, there was one of the fish that we caught, they were like, if it was over a certain size, they're like, don't eat it because they've been feeding on like the bottom-feeding, like, um, on the reef, whatever the animals that would eat the reef. And they were like, they become toxic the larger they are. So We had to throw them back if they were like over a certain weight or whatever.

We went to the Bahamas and there was this guy who was a guide who was telling us you can eat barracuda that are from this side of this, this island, but not from the other side. And I said, how come? And he's like, well, it's like what they eat. And, and, you know, like this side is safe and that side's not safe because they're— and I'm like, so how do we know these aren't moving around? I

didn't know you could eat barracuda at all.

Yeah. So I You know, I was with my daughter and I was like, we're not eating these. Like, you could have them. Would you eat them? He said, yeah. I'm like, oh, you can keep them. Yeah, so I didn't eat the fish. I was like, that makes me nervous as fuck because it's like literally a toxin.

What's your strength? Do you have like a— like, you've probably been introduced to all kinds of strange foods. Where do you draw a line?

Well, because of Fear Factor, I've eaten insane things.

Oh, you tried this stuff?

Oh yeah, I ate a lot of it. The first episode, I did it like sort of like to help the people out. I said, I feel terrible that you have to do this, so I'll do it too. They to eat a sheep's eyeball. That wasn't that bad. It's just in your head mostly. And I ate it.

It's also the thing too.

Yeah, but it's in your head.

It's a sheep's eyeball.

If it was violently awful to eat, I would tell you. And it wasn't. It was just, just meat. And then the other one that I ate that was pretty disgusting was a Madagascar hissing cockroach. It's like this big fucking roach. It was alive. I just picked it up and started chewing it. Almost no taste. It's in your head. Like, in your head it's like—

But yeah, so you don't have the almost—

It's not just in your head.

I, I lost that. I used to have that bad, like in high school. If somebody threw— like, we were all hanging out together and you threw up, I'd be like, yeah, I would fucking immediately—

Martial arts?

No, Fear Factor.

Really? Just 100%.

I saw people puke. I saw people puke literally every day.

No, dude. Oh, look how young and handsome Joe was. Holy shit, dude.

I had hair back then, sort of.

Wow, look at those lips.

Thank you.

Oh, dude. Wow.

See, but it's not that bad. But I did think about it for a second here, and then I gagged right there. I thought about it. I think it was because when you bite into the body cavity, it does squirt some of its juices out. And I was laughing at the same time. I

don't even want to hear about this, much less do it. That's crazy.

But I'm telling you, if you had to eat those to stay alive, you 100% would eat them. It's not that big a deal.

I, uh, I used to torture my ex-wife because it would give her the gags every time. that I think went viral for a while. It was Bear Grylls, and he put the grub in his mouth and it was huge.

Oh, the one that squirts?

And he bites it in the middle and it just blasts open on his face. No reason to do it like that.

But he wasn't even really doing it. That was the whole thing with Bear Grylls, right? He was like staying in hotels.

Well, he was out there legitimately. He's a legit guy. He knows what he's doing. I think he's— isn't he a Special Forces guy?

British, right?

Right. So what he was doing was showing you what you do and showing you how to do it. But then he would go stay in a hotel. Yeah. That's the difference between him and Survivorman. So what happened was Survivorman had a show first, and Survivorman, he doesn't bring anybody with him. He does everything by himself. He brings his own video cameras, and it's all legit. And you could see it over the course of the episode. Like, he'll be in the jungle for 7 days, he hasn't eaten in 3 fucking days. You see it in his face. He's lost a shitload of weight. He's dehydrated. He gets out of there, and sometimes he has to go straight to the hospital. Like, he was really surviving on his own. But Bear, they were saying, listen, we're gonna bring in a lion, we'll let him loose in front. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, they tried to do a bunch of shit, like produce it, and he's like, you can't do this. I won't let you do this. And so then they said, well, we'll do it with somebody else. And that's where Bear Grylls came along.

Bear Grylls, I think—

According to Survivor Man. Yeah, I don't know if this is the complete true—

But I trust him. To Joe Average, Bear Grylls, if you were like, yeah, he'd go like rip the skin off a snake and then piss in the skin and make it his like, you know, neck cooler for the desert heat. And then at the end of that they go, all right, cut, back to the hotel. Like, he still fucking did that. Yeah, he still did that. That's fucking nuts.

Dude, imagine, why wouldn't you sleep in a hotel if you could? Like, what are you, stupid?

Yeah, imagine being a survivor, man. You haven't eaten in 5 days and now you have to set up a camera to film yourself. You're like, I gotta set up a fucking camera, get my mic on. You're like, you're not even thinking, like, you have to think about eating. It should be your main thing.

That show Alone is a similar thing. They take like 15 people, and that's great, and they put them in like— it's not even like anywhere, like it's like deep in Canada in the cold, and it's like, it's like 30 degrees when they start, and then by day 60 it's like negative 8 degrees because you have to do it alone because they're nowhere near each other. Yeah, to win the thing you have to stay out there the longest. Whoever stays out there the longest wins like a quarter million dollars. That's it. But check it out, you don't know when the other people tap out. So you don't know if there's 10 people left, you don't know if there's 2 people left. You're just sitting there with your thoughts being like, what the fuck?

It's a great show. It's a great show.

You ever build like crazy huts and shit?

There was one season where the guy was like, I'll stay out here. I kind of like my life out here now.

Yeah, well, my friend Jordan, he was an episode— he was on one of the episodes of the podcast, Jordan Jones. He did it, and he's a real like survival guy. Like he's lived with people in Siberia. He lived with these tribes that like they herd caribous and shit. And he brought with him a bow and arrow, so he killed a moose. And then he had to— Jordan Jonas. And Jordan had to fight off a wolverine with an ax. What? 'Cause the wolverine was trying to steal the fat from his moose.

And plus a wolverine can regenerate, so how are you gonna kill him?

He killed the wolverine on camera with a fucking ax.

They gotta like hang the meat. If they get like a good kill in the beginning, they gotta like hang the meat and keep it for as long as they can keep it.

And if an animal comes and gets you, like there ain't nobody there to help you. Not

in time, probably. You're fucked.

If that wolverine turned on him, if it just got a hold of his calf and just ripped his Achilles tendon apart and he started gushing blood out of his leg, 100% he's bleeding out before anybody gets to him.

They give you a phone if you want to tap out. You like, just one button and they're like, yeah, come get me. They bring in a helicopter like 2 days later and they get you out.

A lady got killed—

2 days later?

Yeah.

A lady got killed a few years ago, not on the show, but a lady got killed by an otter. An otter killed her.

What a weak bitch.

Yeah, chicks,

right? I think, I think if it bites the inside of your thigh, I think you're fucked. I think if it penetrates through one of those arteries, yeah, I think you just start spraying. And if you don't have a tourniquet and you don't know how to apply it correctly, you're fucked.

I was picturing more like the otter had disgusting viruses in its mouth or something, and then she got like her leg like amputated or something.

Certified swim instructor from Reno. Classic. On a routine, routine morning swim, an otter grabbed her leg with human-like force and pulled her underwater. The animal tore off her goggles and repeatedly bit and clawed her face, nose, cheek, armpits, and legs for about 5 minutes. She thought— she fought the animal off, used her swimming skills to climb up onto the boulders, though the otter followed her out of the water and circled below. Jesus. She sustained deep bites and scratches requiring 38 stitches. Plus rabies and tetanus vaccinations. So that got— that lady lived. But there was a lady a few years back who got killed.

I'll fuck up an otter, Joe. You have these conversations about trying to like choke down a mountain lion. I'll fucking fuck up an otter.

Bro, you would be so— you wouldn't even know what's— is this an otter coming at— what is that? Is that a seal?

Yeah, no, I couldn't tell. I couldn't identify an otter.

I think I would run till my legs didn't work and then accept death. I would just be like, well, here we go. Or I'd try to like choke it. I would try to like person fight it.

It's always thumb in the eye. Punch it in the tip of the nose, something like that.

You got to get behind its head. You got to grab— you got to get control of behind its head. It's not a big animal, but it's the chaos of the moment, and it's the fear, and you're fighting it off. Most important thing is control. You have to control its head. Yep. And then pin that fucker down, and then you put your body weight on them, and then you kill them.

And then I whisper in his ear, you made me do this to you.

Yeah, this lady was— another lady— I was viciously attacked by a group of otters, bro.

10 different otters got her at once.

Oh my

God, it's like the Cornell Hell of otters.

Man, Asians feel nothing.

Tearing my arms, legs, and even the back of my scalp. Holy fuck, man. Yeah, like if you're a small person like this lady and a group of otters comes and gets you—

I don't even think she was in the water. It sounds like she was out.

Oh my God, she was in the parking lot.

Well, that would take me off guard.

Oh my God.

If I was in a supermarket parking lot and a bunch of otters jumped out, I'd be like, fuck, what's happening?

Is that what you're calling them now, otters?

Imagine though, trying to explain to the cop— oh, she pulled out her camera. Of course she did.

I couldn't resist capturing the moment on video, marveling at how endearing these creatures seemed.

Oh, that's crazy.

She was gushing about how adorable they were.

I was in Utah a couple years ago and I saw a badger on the road, and it was at nighttime, and I ran out with my phone to try to get a film of the badger, and the badger puffed up and started like marching towards me, and I fucking panicked like a little girl. Like, I just ran and got back in the truck.

How does a bat— like, it puffed up like it's like—

Yeah, it got like this. It got like this, like, whoa, bitch! And started They're literally just walking straight towards me, like they're not nervous about me at all.

I think it's the energy of most animals. What if ducks cross the street? All the cars just sit there and wait.

Those are urban ducks. They

don't speed up. They're just gonna take a soft, like, little, like, yeah, it's gonna take a minute.

Yeah, but when you shoot at them, they get accustomed to flying away very quickly. Yeah. See, this is why the difference— like, you ever see those Colorado towns where elk just wander through the towns? It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, there's Evergreen, Colorado. There's a place that's above Boulder. It's beautiful. And one of the things about Evergreen is they have a migration of elk that go through the fucking center of the town every year. So through the center of the town, you're hanging out trying to go to work, and there's 40 elk in the middle of the street. Like, here's one just chilling. Yep. Just fucks this guy's car up. Fuck you up. There's a great video of a guy who's trying to talk shit to an elk and it flattens his tire. But in Evergreen, there's like march— but that's because no one's shooting at them. Here they are. So they're accustomed in their world. They have patterned that, oh, if you go near the roads and you go near the buildings, no one shoots you. So that's what they do.

This is an average street with deer in New Jersey. I don't know how long it's been since you've been in New Jersey, but it's crazy, dude.

Texas too. But these are elk. So this is like, the males are an 800-pound animal and they're wandering down the streets and they're everywhere. But if you saw them in the woods, they would fucking smell you and run from you. Immediately. They would never— yeah, so it's the same thing with ducks. Like, the ducks are respond— like, quack quack quack, just waddling across the street because they know no one wants to run them over because they're cute. Like, there's a massive fucking herd on the side of this road. Oh, that one's got a collar on. Pimpin'.

What are these?

That's an elk. That's a female elk. So look, they're in the middle of the road, just chillin'. Wow. But it's because they're at Meadow Park.

Meadow Park, yeah. It's their spot. Maybe don't drive there.

You know, that's probably Colorado. Yeah, Colorado has more elk, more population, a larger population of elk than any other state.

And you're allowed to hunt them?

Yeah, you can hunt them. It's, it's, you have to get a tag and it's hard to find them. It's like you'll find those that are in the towns, but once you go into the mountains, they know what's going on. They know the game is afoot.

Is there, uh, can you hunt them with shotguns and arrows or do you have to just do one?

No, you can use, it's depending on what time of the year. So there's an archery season. It's usually early. So September's the archery season. and then you can only use archery equipment in a lot of states. And then there's a rifle season afterwards, and then there's a late archery season.

I think on Long Island you can only kill the deer with a bow and arrow. No—

Well, that's because you're in a fucking— Yeah, you can't start shooting guns. Yeah, yeah. But bows and arrows, even then you got wahoos like our friend Bruce out there. One of his fucking neighbors at their house got hit by a crossbow bolt because the neighbors are They're poaching deer. That's crazy. There's just deer in their neighborhood. They're everywhere. And look, deer are fucking delicious. And, you know, I feel like I could go hunting, or I could just go right here and shoot a deer and drag it into my garage. No one's gotta know.

They come up to— and they eat my hydrangeas. I wanna beat 'em to death with a baseball bat.

Not your hydrangeas.

I have a batting cage in my house, so we got a deer— got its antlers caught in the cage. Oh no. And it was fucked. I got the video. It's flipping, flipping, flipping. I'm away in Denver on the road, My wife's freaking out. She calls the cops. They send a female cop. She comes down, she looks at it, she goes, we're gonna wait for somebody, backup, right?

We'll have to wait for a male cop.

I swear to God, a male cop shows up. He's like, he gets out of the car, he goes over to it, right? He grabs it by the neck, brings it down. He goes, do you mind if I cut the net? And she— my wife goes, yeah. He goes, you should ask your husband, these are pretty expensive. She's like, cut the fucking net. She cuts the net and he— the deer gets out. and it runs away, and he goes, chances are it's gonna be dead in like 10 minutes. Their hearts— like he said, the heart— the adrenaline goes so fast their hearts explode. Most times. Yeah, like most times they're like— they're so—

Sounds like an old wives' tale.

Yeah, that

doesn't make sense, because if they get away from a mountain lion, if they get lucky, like, don't they live? Like, what a stupid evolutionary trait.

If it hits anything else, probably goes bad.

Well, he gave it the punch of death, so yeah, who knows?

I don't know.

Took 15 steps.

This thing was for like a half hour trying to rip itself out of this net, dude. Hanging itself, swinging back and forth. Maybe.

Do you think it's funny, Joe, how synonymous you are with elk meat? It's like a Roganism thing. If someone's like, hey, I wanna do Rogan, he goes, what are you gonna do, guys, have some elk meat and gloves? It's just like the obvious thing. I think you've taken pictures of elk before.

Oh yeah, 100%.

You cook it?

Oh, I eat a lot of it.

Are you a great cook? You cook all this every week?

What is this? Yeah, I do. The condition's called capture myopathy, also known as exterior— external— Exertional. Exertional myopathy. So deer can die from extreme stress and struggling after getting stuck in a fence. Wow.

Yeah.

More than just simply being scared, intense fear, prolonged struggling, restraint can trigger severe muscle damage and overheating, with potentially fatal effects on major organs.

If you wouldn't mind, Steve's got a big reading exam coming up soon. Steve, you wanna take a whack at one of these paragraphs, please? Whoa.

A deer may collapse during the ordeal or initially look okay after the release and then deteriorate hours or days later. Signs can include weakness, stiff muscles, tremors, dark urine, and collapse.

Who's out there checking deer urine? Let me check to see if Roscoe's gonna be okay.

And collapse, that's a pretty good sign when the deer fucking collapses.

Generally when they collapse.

Yeah, dude, driving at night in Jersey is terrifying. Or Texas. You watch them on the side of the road. Do they have a lot of deer in Texas, right? Everywhere. I think Jersey is the number one state for the most population of deer. I could be wrong about that, but I believe it is.

I think you might be right.

And they jump, they jump out in front of your car, and sometimes they'll jump through your window and then kick you to death and then fucking run away.

He lives in Oregon, and a dude in his town died because the guy in front of him hit a deer. Oh. So the guy in front of him hit a deer, and he's behind. The deer flips through the air and goes straight through his windshield. Damn. And just mercs him on the spot.

Do you know who Side Neck is?

What? Side Neck?

Do you know who Side Neck is? Bitch, I'm Side Neck.

No.

No? I would say— I don't know either.

I don't think I've ever wanted to know anything more in

my life. I would say he's a Canadian phenomenon. Jamie, you familiar at all? Um, he's—

Oh, that guy! Yeah, I've seen that guy.

He's a side neck.

Like he got paralyzed or something.

Well, he's not paralyzed. What happened to him, we dug deep, deep dive. He's from Canada. He was driving, hit a moose. Moose came up on the windshield, uh, kicked through, and like his legs went through the windshield, and the moose buck like kicked his fucking head like a cartoon. No! I swear to God. No! And he got stuck like that. Moose kicked his head to the side forever. And now he's Sideneck.

Well, it seems like his right arm doesn't work, right?

No, no, no. He explains it all in the one song.

The Moose?

No, no, no, no.

That's— he just leaves that part out?

Yeah, he wrote a diss track on the Moose.

Why would you leave that part out of your origin story? That's one of the greatest origin stories.

He's probably waiting to get his legs under him, then he's gonna be like, it's gonna make it his opus, you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's gonna be his fucking— yeah, he's not ready to address that just yet.

Right now he's getting his feet wet. Did

you ever see cross-country, like, runners get blasted by deer? Oh yeah. Oh dude, it's hell.

I think it's hell, fuck yeah.

Yeah, like, it'll just— they'll run right through you and fucking truck you, dude, like you're not even there.

I think the one that freaks me out the most is motorcycle guys. Oh really? When they're going fast in canyon runs, like, and then you just see a blur of brown and then boom, and then you just Damn. And you know, these fucking cats are on a bike going 70 miles an hour through the canyon sideways, and then a deer just jumps in front of them. Whee! Look at all this momentum. Plus the bones that you're running into and the possibility of a fucking antler going through your face.

It's not good.

Yeah, you're fucked, man. I mean, if you get hit, I don't care if you have your goggles on, is that gonna protect you from an antler at 70 miles an hour, like straight point to the center of your fucking head?

No, look at this. I hit my head on my wife's fucking trunk, dude. You think I wouldn't survive a goddamn deer collapse? That's hilarious, dude. No way.

Yeah, fuck it. Fuck riding a bike and getting hit by a deer. Just having a good time. Fucking freedom. I love the idea of getting a motorcycle, but I'm too much of a pussy to pull the trigger.

That's not pussy.

Yeah, it's not pussy. Yeah,

it's just being smart. It's reality at this point. But

it's— I, I— same thing. I've always wanted—

It's so fun.

I've always wanted to ride a motorcycle. The only time I've been on a motorcycle was twice on the back holding a man's waist while my calves got burned by the exhaust.

I went and, uh, here, this guy gets wiped. Check it out. Boom! Oh, fuck. Trees. Bike's fucked.

Holy shit.

Yeah. Holy shit. And dear, watch this. He doesn't even have a chance. Boom! Fuck.

I'll tell you the saddest thing I've ever seen when driving home in Jersey is when you see a dead one on the side of the road and there's another one standing next to it, like, just sad about it, looking like—

Especially a baby and the mom.

It's like, it's like looking out, it's like looking out after— it's like, it's like standing in front of it almost, like, so the cars don't hit it. It's weird.

Yeah, it's never sad. It's a weird thing.

The only solution is to have predators in your neighborhood, and that's not good either. No, I'm on a weird street right now. Because then the deer move out and then they start eating your dogs and cats. That's how California handles it. Like California with their mountain lion crisis, like they want to pretend it's not a crisis. They fucking captured mountain lions in San Francisco and they do a— they check out their digestion, see what they're eating. 50% of their diet was pets.

Really?

Whoa. Yeah.

Cats and dogs and—

Yeah, man. Yeah, man. They're monsters. They're fucking monsters.

That happens a lot too. Like it'll be like a dog at the edge of like a little lake in Florida or like a body of water, then an alligator comes out and just Happened when I was

a kid. I lived in Florida. I lived in Gainesville, and this lady had like some little poodle-type dog or something, and she's just walking it on the thing, and this gator just came up and snatched it and dragged it into the water. It was the talk of the town.

Yeah.

There was one guy who jumped in and got the dog back from the alligator. That's a famous story. I would do that for my dog.

Say aye.

Oh, I remember that. There was a video.

A few years ago.

Yeah, it was an old guy, right? And he's like beating the fucking alligator. It lets go of his dog. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. I would get a big dog. I got a little dog too. I have a regular-sized dog, I have a golden retriever, but then I have this little dog. It's a King Charles Cavalier. Here's the guy.

Yeah, I have a cocker spaniel.

Yeah, that's a little-ass alligator and his dog. That guy's getting his fucking fingers right there in the jaws, man. That's crazy. And he gets it loose.

Yeah, it's a cocker spaniel.

And then you got to pull it apart like how King Kong killed that lizard. Yeah, remember?

Just fucking splits it. It was a dinosaur, right?

Rip its jaw off.

That's what you got to do. That fuck— and then you turn that thing into a belt. Fuck you. You fucking cunt. But anyway, I have a King Charles Cavalier. Like, I've never really been into little dogs. I fucking love this little guy so much. He's so enthusiastic. He's so fun. Like, all he wants to do is just kiss you and jump all over you. And he's like— he's a puppy. He's like a year and a half old. But like, when I come home, he's like, rah! He just goes fucking crazy. He leaps up. I pick him up. He's kissing me, just squirming and having fun. He's just— he just loves being around people. He's so sweet. He's like the sweetest little dog ever. It's like, oh, I get it. It's not gonna guard your house. It's not— there's nothing.

No, but they think they will. My cocker spaniel, she thinks she's a fucking, like, a beast. She barks, she's like, rah, rah, rah, rah, right out the front door.

At least they let you know something's up, you know?

There's an interesting thing. I have a dog for the first time, 4 years now. First dog I've ever had in my life, so I never quite got it before, but I do feel the sense of, uh, I want it to have more appreciation. You want the dog to have more appreciation? There's no real appreciation show of a dog. You're like, man, you were found in a box on the side of the road. Look at your life. Yeah, look out. Why are you just staring at me? Why are you not licking my face constantly? Uh, I'm judgmental of her for it, but it's hilarious. It is interesting. But I also think that my dog, if she was taken by somebody tomorrow, it was like kidnapped, she would just be like, I love you now.

Oh, they all would. Yeah, they all would. There's no loyalty like that. They have like probably a half a day of memory.

Yeah, I don't know about that. Some dogs get very attached to people.

Oh dude, did you see those videos of like Like, what was the latest one? There was a guy who was an ex, like, uh, Marine going through TSA, and a fucking dog jumps over the TSA people and just starts going crazy for him. It was like his military dog from when he was in the military. Yeah. Am I fucking that up or something?

No, you're not at all.

Yeah, but do you think the dog was depressed without him, or he just saw him and was like, oh shit, I'm sure

Jamie could find him?

He's probably okay without him, but that's his favorite person.

It was like crazy.

It's not real, Jamie?

AI-generated.

Oh no, damn it.

It was one of the first ones that got everybody.

No, are you serious?

Seth MacFarlane.

That dog didn't give a shit about that guy.

Seth MacFarlane did a cartoon thing with that where they see a, a wolf over the ridge and then they tell the whole story of like, that's a wolf that he saw years ago, and then they get up to it and it wasn't the wolf and it eats them all.

There is a real video though of one where the, the guy meets it at the airport and, uh, the dog doesn't recognize him immediately. It takes a few seconds and then figures it out and then starts wagging his tail like crazy and kissing him.

Ari showed me when he came back from his, like, you know, trip with wherever the hell he went all over the world, he had his dog, like, at his house. And what he did was he put his shoes down before he came into the house and they had him fit and, and the dog started smelling his shit and went crazy and then just started looking around the house. And then Ari came in and went nuts. But he's like, they just smell, they know what, like, that, what their owners feel like.

Well, Ari's dog's a good example. That dog Bandit. That dog is, 100% attached to Ari. Like, when Ari goes to the bathroom here, it waits outside the bathroom door, just sits there, and you can't talk to it. You can't like, hey, Bandit, what's going on? It doesn't give a fuck about you.

Is that good or bad? I always wonder that, that kind of attachment. It's hard to leave.

That was a rescue dog, and I think that dog had a horrible life, and now it has an amazing life. Yep. So it associates that guy with the love. That guy's— that's my, that's my savior.

Yeah,

and that's the kind of appreciation I don't think this fucking bitch is giving me.

Well, different dogs are different ways, you know. You don't mind it?

You had— I had a big dog and now we don't have one, but we're thinking about getting another one, and the consensus is to get a small dog, which I'm sort of like, ah, but it's not a bad deal, I guess, right?

Well, I have 2 dogs. Yeah, so the other dog is a normal-sized dog. He's a golden retriever, and you know, he's the worse watchdog than the little dog. He loves everybody. That dog has no favorites. Everybody's his best friend. Like everybody who comes over the house, if you guys all came out, he would just go to you to get pet, then go to you to get pet, then go to you to get pet, and then come and check on my ex-girlfriend.

It's like my

ex-girlfriend. What is it? My dog—

It's Eddie Mann.

My dog's like that too.

That's why I feel like— It's like that song, Many Men.

If my dog though growled at somebody or just instinct didn't like somebody, I would trust that instinct because she's same way. It's like she loves everybody. So if she was not into someone, I'd be like, this guy's kind of weird. It's like a— I wonder the power you touch him and see his murders he's committed.

My dog is super attached to me for a minute. We— and when me and my girlfriend would have sex, like, she would go outside of the door and she would just scratch at the door and whine, and it was the most distracting thing ever. Then I'd let her in and she'd just sit on the top of the pillow and stare at us while we were fucking.

Yeah, you have to invite her in. Yeah, it's polite.

She'll lick the sweat off my head.

That's crazy.

Yeah, get over here, puddle.

Come here.

My dog has zero instincts, like zero survival instincts. It's— he's hilarious. He ate £2 of gravel. There was some chicken— some chicken food got spilled on the gravel, so he ate the chicken food and then just kept eating. And the way we found out is I came home and he looked fucked up, like just didn't look good. I'm like, you okay, buddy? And then he vomits up a bunch of rocks, and then he has diarrhea. The diarrhea has rocks in it. I'm like, what the The fuck? I take him outside, he's running around shitting all over the place and throwing up. Then I have to take him to the vet and they go, yeah, he swallowed a bunch of these. We're gonna keep him overnight to see if he gets— see how it works. So he comes out, he's got an IV in his arm and fucking cone, isn't it? A little bit sad, you know? And then what does he do immediately? He finds a turtle in the backyard, eats that. Like, I mean, immediately, within days.

Oh, never left?

With the shell and everything.

He just left. He found a fucking turtle and he bit into the turtle and he ate He it. ate turtle shells. I had to take him back to the hospital. He had just gotten the cone off. We didn't really have to keep the cone on him though, 'cause he wasn't really fucking with his IV bandage hole, or the area. That's what they— you gotta make sure they don't lick that spot. But he was, uh— he just doesn't have any instincts. He's just love. Like, everybody— like, if you come over to the house, you could have a fucking machine gun and be wearing a mask, and he'd be like, hello, I'm your friend.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about fireworks, loud noises. Startled?

Oh, my dog panics with fireworks.

Oh really?

Yeah, he panics. The little one doesn't, but the big one, Marshall, he hears fireworks like, oh, he just starts running around the house and whining. Like, if you're trying to watch a movie and there's a storm outside, you're fucked.

When's the last time you've really enjoyed fireworks?

I love fireworks.

Still?

Yeah, my birthday's the 4th of July.

You know what I'm like? Yeah, all right.

I love cell phone videos of fireworks. I love going over my old cell phone videos of fireworks.

Of ones that you saw personally?

Yeah, you got to watch them over and over again, like, wow, what a memory. Has anybody ever watched a cell phone selfie?

No, I never. I watch it the next day and

nobody ever watches it,

and then they never watch it again. I probably have 4 hours of firework videos on my phone that I've never even looked at ever again.

That's my feeling about concert phones always, because you're not gonna watch this. Yeah, you're not gonna watch.

One of the wildest videos, and this is before AI, there's a dude, he's got, I don't know, an M80 or some kind of some kind of a firework in his hand and it blows off in his hand. Puerto Rican guy? Blows his hand sideways. Like, you see blood is pouring out of his hands, and then this dude shotguns a beer.

Holy shit.

While he's holding his hand. You can see the damage in his hands. His hand's blown apart.

It's like a big Hispanic guy.

Yeah.

And the dude shotguns a beer while his hand's blown apart.

And then it shows the aftermath. His hand's like done.

Oh my God. I created this thing that I do the fireworks in. Like, it was part of our place thing. play-like structure. It's like a tube. So I put cinder blocks around it and I put the boxes in so I light it. So in case it goes to the side, it fucking hits the tube. We've had, we've had boxes turn to the side. It just shoots in. It just—

Right through the fucking third floor window.

Dude, that's what I was— one year we didn't have a tube. It went into the bushes. People were fucking going out, running for every direction.

Right, roof on fire.

Now I got the tube, dude. It just shoots straight up.

So you do your own fireworks?

I do my own. I buy like I buy like $800 worth of fireworks.

Oh, you're an animal.

Yeah, I love it.

Do they have those places? Your neighborhood problem. Where do you live?

Long Island.

In Long Island, do they have those places where it's like a little stand?

No, it's illegal in Long Island, so I gotta go to Pennsylvania.

Well, you get 'em, there's, you get it like in Jersey, you can go to 7-Eleven and it's the fireworks. They don't shoot up in the sky. They shoot like 8 feet in the sky.

They're okay.

So they're kind of fun. You get a box for like $40.

Yeah.

In Texas, you can buy nuclear bombs. You can literally, you go to the fucking, A truck that pulls over like on the corner of the road and you could buy things that you can't believe are legal. I've launched these fucking things from my backyard. You watch them shoot in the sky and you're like, that's a real firework! Like a legit Disneyland firework. Just like, fucka-chish! 6, 7 of them in a row. Look at these guys. Look at the tube.

That's the kind of tube I have.

So

yeah, this probably goes great. Yeah, you could, you could buy those.

Because they go straight up. Small fires around the neighborhood. Good call, Steve.

You could buy those a mile from my house.

Oh my God. Yeah, they can do anything here, dude. They gave Kurt Metzger a machine gun. Look

at that.

Look at that. That's— well, I launched one of those like that in my backyard. I'm not bullshitting. Here's the Texas—

Is that a success?

Yeah, that's not good, dude. Look, you just give that to anybody because they don't have to point it at the sky. Look how far that's going.

That's what I'm saying.

Imagine if you pointed that at your ex-girlfriend's house. You know, like you set it up in the back of a pickup truck, wedged it in there, lit that fucker, just angled it right.

Oh yeah, we used to have Roman candle fights when we were kids, when we were teenagers.

Yep. Oh, Jesus Christ.

We used to make chlorine bombs. Did you ever make a chlorine bomb? What?

No.

Is that the guy? I'm not a homegrown terrorist. Look at his hand, it's blown off.

Oh my God. Oh, really?

Oh, it's not even the guy I was talking about.

It's a different guy. That's horrible. That's horrible.

The guy we were talking about was in New York City, I think.

I appreciate the guy's just like, well, this is already a situation. Rock and roll! Can't turn time back time, right? So this is the situation. The

toothpaste is out of the tube, my friend.

This is a second take. I'm already in my underwear on the top of the shower.

Look at it dripping.

Dangling.

I mean, his hand is blown the fuck apart.

His thumb is like a claw now.

And then he just drinks. What

are you gonna do?

Is that Uncle Lazer?

I mean, can you find the one of the guys?

I wonder what's left of that guy's hand. I wonder what— before we— can we find out what happened to that guy's hand?

Uh, follow-up?

Yeah, as a follow-up.

It actually works perfectly.

Yeah,

yeah, that's the thing.

Maybe it's better.

Yeah, he's a Terminator now.

All the scar tissues somehow held the hand together in a better way.

You never heard of chlorine bombs? We used to make those when we were kids. You take a 2-liter bottle of, like, an empty 2-liter bottle of soda, you know, those chlorine tablets, crack up 2 of those Put them in the bottom.

No, Steve, we broke the rules, asshole.

Rubbing alcohol, twist it, shake it, and run, dude. And it just sizzles up and it just explodes. And if you're within like a perimeter, you get like— you'll get knocked on your ass with a huff of chlorine.

So you could potentially make one of those and chuck it into someone's window?

You could put it in a mailbox, allegedly.

Yeah, but it would take a while. The mailbox thing—

It don't though.

Yeah, okay.

You shake it, you put it in the mailbox. How much time do you have? You have about 15 seconds before it goes off.

So if someone— it's like someone's window was open and, you know, you were— you throw it into the floor and they were on the second floor, you could like put the lid on that, shake it,

throw it in,

dude. That's the guy's hand.

Oh my God. The other photo here is very graphic.

Okay,

his hand turned into a swastika.

Let's go. What's the other photo? Here we go. Here's the next photo. Oh my

God. Oh my God.

Oh, so he lost his whole hand.

Did that open? It's like Terminator 2.

Yes,

that's crazy. That's crazy. Oh my God, he might have kept a finger. Fucking A.

No, at that point just cut it off. Give me a little—

give me one of them robot hands. Just—

yeah, give me a claw like one of the new—

but I get that Tyrannosaurus Rex head like they have on those stick things. How fun would that be?

Don't they really have the ones you could just twist on and make it different? Like, like one's a hand, one's like you can

Yeah, yeah,

you know, like a claw. Yeah, like for different uses.

Yeah,

I think James Bond, one of those James Bonds. Yeah, that was the thing.

I met a dude at the Comedy Store. It was this guy from Australia, and he got his hand and his leg bitten off by a shark. And so he had a carbon fiber leg and a carbon fiber hand. The guy walked around, no limp, and he could shake your hand.

Light as a feather too.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, look, you get tools.

Whoa, that's better. That's better than a real hand.

That's better, dude. I would rather than having a deformed claw.

Yeah, definitely better than having a claw. And maybe you could put a vibrator on the other end of that thing.

It's definitely not better than having a hand.

Yeah, definitely not.

If you put a vibrator on it, how are you gonna get to possibly get it in your ass? There's no angle.

You can make an angle. There's another— that's a different attachment.

Yeah,

dude, an elbow. I understand.

It's like that thing you got to put between the, uh, front and back of the The vacuum cleaner, the long piece.

Yeah, the extension hose.

Yeah, it articulates. You have to screw something in the middle of it and then it comes out.

If they start making body parts that are better than our parts, it's gonna be a problem.

Because people are gonna want to be cyborgs.

People already get fake tits. They don't like their tits, so they get a fake one because it makes their tits better— look better. If you can get arms that worked way better and you actually feel through them, There's gonna be dudes that get their arms hacked off.

But how do you weigh out like that it's not like the psychosis of people who want to just take off, you know what I mean? Like now there's a real— gives people a reason who want to do, you know, voluntary amputation.

Yeah, well, you know, there are people who— Healthy arms.

No, that's what I'm saying. People who are like, I was not supposed to be born with this arm. I don't feel right with this left arm. You get it taken off. But like—

Well, you could just not have any regulations and let people do that. Like if it gets to the point where it's that good, you could just say, yeah, we're, you know, My body's fine, don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those people, but I'm 42 and I'm starting to feel it. And Mike got a whole fake body and fucking Mike is just having so much fun. He's got so much more energy than me and apparently no side effects. So you just go in there, take your fucking head off and screw it into some robot body.

It's weird to be able to take healthy arms off.

And do you know about that guy? There's this one guy that was He got— I think he was like a doctor, and he had his legs removed. He had his legs voluntarily amputated. He tried to pretend for a long time that it was like something wrong with his legs and had to get them amputated, but it turned out it was just a weird sexual fetish.

So odd.

And so I think he got his license taken away, but this guy was a practicing doctor, I believe. Doctor jailed after getting his own legs amputated for sexual fetish. than making insurance claims. He made insurance claims. Well,

that's the crazy part.

A vascular surgeon in England was sentenced to 32 months in prison for insurance fraud and possession of extreme pornographic images. That's interesting. Like, the insurance fraud, I get you put him in jail for that, but is extreme pornographic images— those are illegal?

Because this chick, he met a hot young chick that was like, I love getting stump fucked, and I just feel like you can't supply that for me.

Sure, you're rich, Oh,

well, it's

hilarious. His name is— his last name is Hopper. That's crazy.

He'd been packing his legs in ice.

It sounds like a children's book about a very brave man.

Look at this.

Hopper couldn't hop anymore.

He claimed that the injuries to his limbs were the result of sepsis, but in reality, Hopper had been packing his legs in ice and dry ice in an act of self-mutilation, authorities said. The defendant was paying a customer— was a paying customer of a since-shuttered website that sold videos of amputations and body modification, including penises being removed. So that's what he got arrested for, as well as insurance claim.

Do you remember those videos from back in the day? The Body Modification Extreme?

Oh yeah, BME.

Yeah, dude, that was a cra— half of it was fake, but some of it was real.

Yeah, no, a lot of it was real.

Yeah, guys would like just like fucking slice their dicks open with razor blades, like crazy.

Do you know Devon Larratt, the world champion arm wrestler? Do you know who that guy is?

Yes.

Yeah, his brother was the guy who ran Body Modification Extreme. Shannon. Shannon Larratt. I was friends with him. Really? He ran that website.

Yeah. Yeah, what an awful thing to take submissions for every day.

Yeah.

Is this good enough?

Yeah.

Just the amount of shit you're seeing.

You're gonna look at.

Yeah, I filleted my asshole. Maybe. Put it in the maybe pile.

Yeah. Packing his legs with dry ice to kill the them and then claim he's got sepsis so he needs his legs removed. Like, that's wild.

The fact that people can sexualize everything is great. That was like— remember how ridiculous the movie was, Crash, where it was like they have to be in car accidents while they fuck? Like, it's how dumb— but people are in the— that's not as the strangest thing in the world now.

It's stupid, but it's like, yeah, I could see there might be one case of that.

I don't know if I have sexualization in anything other than sexual stuff.

Good for you.

I don't have I never get the foot thing. Never got foot fetishes.

Oh yeah, come on, a nice foot.

No, no, you're a weirdo for sure.

Nice feet are pretty.

Yeah, for sure. Small feet, like a size 6 on a woman?

Turn you on? They like really get your dick hard? That's a slippery slope.

No, putting it in my mouth, like putting a toe in my mouth turns me on. Not like looking at feet, that's weird. But if a girl puts her foot in my mouth, a little musty after the gym.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

Every time I think I was gonna be like, well, I do, Nope.

Yeah, I agree with that. This little piggy stinks. No.

Yeah, this little piggy came right from work, huh?

My Instagram algorithm is a mess, and I had this one that popped up the other day. It's an insert that women put in the bottom of their shoes. So the bottom of their shoes, like between their foot and the shoe, is like the bottom, like the, the insole is like a Fleshlight. And she was sticking bananas, like lubing up her feet and sticking bananas in between her foot and the spongy part, you know, like saying like, look, you could fuck the bottom of my foot. Oh. And I just shut my phone off. I said, I'm not doing this anymore. Reset.

Just send me that video, Joe, when you get a chance. I just wanna see how it actually—

Is it like, okay, I can imagine— They hold their feet together to create the hole, right? So they put their feet together and then you could fuck the, like, the soles of their feet, like the arch. The soles? Yeah, I've heard.

So I've heard.

I mean, feet is probably better than like wanting to fuck furniture or something like that, if you're gonna have a proclivity to something really bad. But I mean, like, imagine—

How about you guys stop being so fucking judgmental?

I'm just saying, like, if you had to have one—

Sucking feet and farting is pretty much one and the same.

No, they're not, dude.

No, I just— uh, listen, I said I'm not like a party stopper. So if a girl had nice feet and was like, I want you to suck my toes, I would. But I would never grab her ankle and stuff her fucking bunion foot in my face.

She's got hammer toes.

Yeah, I like a working girl.

Knock it too close. It is weird, the things that people can sexualize.

That's what I mean. Like, it's all—

I think everyone's on a spectrum of whatever, like, their freak is. Like, whatever the freakiest thing you like is on a spectrum, unquestionably.

Well, that's one of the weirder things about this whole trans movement. And there's nothing against trans people, but there was a real thing that existed before people just identify with the opposite sex and just feel like you're born in the wrong body. Like, I don't know what that feels like. I don't know, you know, I'm not judgmental, but what I am curious about is whatever happened to autogynephilia. So autogynephilia is a real psychological condition where men get turned on dressing up as women, but they're not into men. They're into— they don't identify as a woman. They're a man who gets turned on by dressing up as a woman. Right. It's, it's been in the, like, psychological literature forever, and that these guys want to have sex with women, but they want to dress up like a woman. Like now,

like the professors who wear like panties under their fucking—

yeah, it's like Herbert Hoover, a crossdresser or something like that. Allegedly.

Allegedly.

The website he was on was not just a weird—

not the surgeon that got his legs removed.

Yeah, man.

Oh boy. What was it?

Eunuchmaker.com. Oh my god.

Pay-per-view fetish website featuring videos of men and boys either maiming themselves or allowing others to mutilate them on camera.

That'll get you put in jail.

Is that on the dark web?

It's gotta be dark though.

That'll get you put in jail.

There's no hiding that if somebody checks your search history and you have eunuchmaker.com.

Oh my God. Michael says his castration earned him $60 or £60, which didn't even cover the cost of his travel.

Oh man, I cut my dick off and all I got was £60. That's a good shirt.

My castration—

I cut my cock off and all I got was £60.

Oh my God. God.

And the shirt,

dude. I mean, people

are— people get into the most fucked up things.

Is that just like a, like a level of chemical imbalance that's in you, or is that, that traumatized into you?

That's a good question.

Like if someone's just like, I can't even get hard unless someone's— unless there's a clown in the room,

or unless some— what's the matter?

But so here, I was trying to find what he got because he got arrested for 3 counts of having extreme pornography, and I was hoping some article would say what it was, and here we go.

Here we go. Steve?

Okay. The first video cost Hopper £10. It shows Gustafsson castrating another man. The second, costing £35, features a man tied to a bed while Gustafsson rolls dice to decide which body parts to remove. The man ended up losing his penis and testicles and bled so much that Gustafsson called an ambulance, all with the camera still rolling. In a third video, also costing Hopper £35, a man cut off his own penis and holds it up to the camera.

Fuck. This is— this is bizarrely affordable. Yeah. The prices these things are cut— these are way low priced.

Well, I think this is cut for— It's like the only— like OnlyFans, a girl will sell her tits for $20, but it's like 1,000 dudes are buying them. Yeah, but you can get a bundle.

Okay, but that's just showing your tits. This is filleting your cock, opening your cock like a hot dog bun.

I wanna watch Steve fillet his own cock. I almost did that day, dude.

Holy shit.

Next year's up, and then the Summer Games.

What about like, if you had like— say I had a Prince Albert, would you think about me differently? Would you be like, oh,

that's like a rod through the head? I'd say you got problems. I'll say generally, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cock piercing? Cock

piercing?

Because there's a thing—

I mean, I'm not judging.

Yeah, guys get implants in their dicks. Their dicks are like bumped, like, you know, they like ripped for her pleasure. Like they make their dick— oh yeah, ribbed for her pleasure.

That's called herpes. A rabbit hole. It's crazy. So, uh, on Instagram they can't show dick enhancement operations, but they do link to their YouTube. And so somehow in my fucking pop-up, I see this guy—

Somehow.

Who's looking— he's, he's got this piece of something in his hand that looks remarkably similar to Renazzisi's fucking fish fillet, and he's like moving this thing around and saying, this is going to add 3 inches and 2 inches of diameter and And he's like explaining all the different things this is gonna do, and then you realize like, oh, that's going in a dick. He can't show it to you, but then he talks to the guys afterwards. He says, tell me about the experience. Like, oh, I'm so happy. It looks amazing. I look at it in the mirror, looks amazing. And then it's like, check out more on my YouTube channel. Like, you got me. So on the YouTube channel, you see the dicks. You use your— it's a medical procedure.

So this is for dick enlargement.

You can look at a lot of dicks on YouTube. As long as it's medical context. So you're seeing these guys, puffed-up hogs, where they're, they're taking this like thing and they're cutting on where the ball meets the dick and they're shoving this sheath in, this plastic sheath that stretches it out and plumps it up.

Jay considered getting liposuction on his fupa to make his dick bigger. That's a real story.

Well, so it's not gonna make it bigger, it'll show bigger.

Yeah.

He'll show you his nice house with the furniture.

Yeah, yeah, you have to zhuzh it up. That's a real

thing.

What took me out of it, I went for the, you know, what do you call it, consultation. And I don't know why I didn't see this coming. For some, like, I was like, well, of course he's got to see the situation that he wants to get in there and fix. Yeah, so he just comes in and sits in a stool where he is eye level with my dick. And he goes, pull your pants down. And I was like, ah, shit. So I pull them down to my knees and he goes, now come over here in the mirror. And I'm like, oh, I don't want to do this part either.

Now kiss me.

He goes, um, he goes, okay, this is how your penis looks when you're standing naturally. Oh yeah. And then he gives me a fucking diamond cutter around my dick and balls and he pushes back and he goes, And that's what it will look like after the surgery. And I went, okay, can I go? And I never looked back. I never went back in there at all. I was like, yo, get the fuck out of here.

That was crazy. God, that was fucking crazy. Diamond cut your dick and balls.

Pushed it back just like that. Just had my wiener poking through his diamond. It was insane.

Would it have been more uncomfortable before he did it? He said, I want you to feel safe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put your hand on my low back first. Did he have gloves on?

I want you to be comfortable.

Yeah, groom me a little. Don't just throw me in that fire.

I just want you to relax.

Hey, you probably love looking at your dick. Oh my God. You probably love looking at your dick in the mirror standing up.

Oh boy, I'll never think about that again. That's what I'm gonna think about.

Dang.

Maybe he was Illuminati.

Dude, it's so—

It is kind of crazy that with all of our technology, there's no dick enhancement medication yet.

If there was, it would be out there. I mean, like, it would be the biggest thing. It would be the hair transplants in Turkey. It would be that.

I remember your old bit, dude. Remember your bit about it? The guys would just be chugging them.

30 minutes before the first guy dies of an overdose. They would go, find out how much gives me a stroke and take one less than that. Like, that's— that would be the problem. But I mean, it's kind of amazing that no one has come up with anything. Like, it's just like a problem they can't solve. Like, cosmetic surgery in women has solved so many problems.

Well, when they say that they, you know, they probably can cure cancer but they don't because the treatments and the You know, the money's in the treatment. Speaking of cancer. But everyone would get dick-biggining surgery. Of course. For sure.

Except there's a few dudes out there. Viagra may reduce cancer metastasis. Wow. Viagra was originally developed to treat high blood pressure and chest pain caused by reduced blood flow to the heart, but over the past 3 decades become the world's best-known therapy for erectile defunction— defunction? Dysfunction. So what is it saying now? Um, okay. Sildenafil limits cancer cells' ability to make use of cholesterol. Wow. An essential component of cellular membranes, cholesterol is particularly important for cancer cells seeking to break away from the primary tumor and migrate throughout the body and invade distant organs. Wow. Viagra can keep cancer from spreading. Interesting.

Thank God. That's why I take it then.

Yeah.

Yep.

Interesting. The problem is I can't get my dick hard unless I have cancer.

It's like that guy with the legs. Yeah, give yourself cancer just to get hard.

Crazy asshole.

I just want to— I want to jerk off with an oxygen tube in my nose. I just want to be barely breathing. Just know I could still nut.

Once you get into like desensitization too, like there's videos of pretty attractive women blowing and fucking horses. Yeah. Like they've been talked into this somehow, and they're not going like, uh, uh, when they grab it, like, they're like, yeah, it's like, all right, we rolling? All right, let me suck this horse's dick real quick.

Boy. And they're big.

And I'll tell you what, it's always a surprise cum shot.

It's surprising.

It just blows their mouth apart with jizz. It shoots all out of the sides, and then they're like—

There's a job where like you have to collect the semen from horses. Essentially you have like a giant pocket pussy for a horse. Yep. And they have to fucking jerk the horse off into this giant tube to collect it. Well, the horse fucks the thing while you hold it.

Oh, I guess so. That's like what I did with you.

We did the— one time on Legion of Skanks, Jay held a Fleshlight and he jerked me off with it. No. Yeah, he jerked me off with the Fleshlight.

Congratulations.

I think I missed that week. That episode's gay.

No, there's nothing gay about it. Nobody touched each other.

But Louis did fuck the Fleshlight.

No, he jerked me off with it.

It's not how it happened. It seems gay.

Who was holding the Fleshlight?

He was holding the Fleshlight and jerking me off with it.

You fucked him.

You moved or he fucked you?

Louis's dick isn't big enough to just hold it in the air.

He basically fucked him.

This is a great question that we've come up with in the past show. Is it gay? if you open your mouth and a guy puts his dick in your mouth but it doesn't touch any of the edges.

It's just occupying the space inside your mouth, but you're, you're not blowing him.

Like the game of Operation. Well, even if it is gay, the guy's definitely a bottom because his dick's so small it doesn't bang the edges at all.

Hmm, very possible.

You know what kind of accuracy you would have to have? You know how you play that game Operation? Yeah. That's what it's like. It's like the most advanced game of Operation.

Yeah.

And if it touches a tooth or a tongue, the guy gags.

Yeah, your nose lights up red.

You just gag like a— Like a live tire, like a Steven Tyler's family. Like,

they're gonna be the champions. Yeah,

my dick could easily fit into your mouth space.

Nah, come on, shut up. Ah, you think? Come on, look at that.

Is this gonna get us demonetized?

No, because these things are— you've been— I've been wrong about things before. I was always like, my dick probably can fit right through a fucking toilet paper roll, but it can't.

Or, uh, the head of a, um, a Gatorade bottle. You gotta piss in a car, and I'm like, oh, my dick could easily fit in a Gatorade bottle. No, it's crazy. No,

you gotta shove it You know how many times Ari Shaffir—

You make it fit, shove it in.

Ari Shaffir, sitting in that very chair where you are, has pissed into fucking kombucha bottles. How many times, Jamie?

Which episode? Like multiple times per episode?

Multiple times. He just won't use the bathroom. He just pisses in a bottle.

Does he tell you?

No, he just pulls his dick out and starts peeing in a bottle. And then one time he went out in the hall and he pissed in the hall, and I had to go, Ari, Jesus Christ, just— the bathroom is 5 steps later. Just keep stepping and then you're in the bathroom. Stop.

We were going down a really bad rabbit hole with Ari because Ari, like, remember Skank Fest? Like, every year—

He shit into a Tupperware. Yeah,

doggy, that was the better years. At Skank Fest, on stage during Kill Tony, he came out and he, in front of the entire audience, got naked, put cardboard on the floor, and just shit on the cardboard. I walked to the room and Ari was playing with his shit. Like, everyone's like, what the fuck is going on? I was like, Well, I gotta go. I can't watch that.

She's Jeannie Allen type shit.

Yeah. That's what the guy who fucking wanted to kill Björk did.

Yeah, he played with his shit.

He covered himself in shit and shot himself.

If Ari killed Björk, I wouldn't be stunned.

I bet they've crossed paths with his travels.

Yeah. Did you ever see that one time where Björk fucked some guy up at the airport?

Like physically?

Yeah, some journalist was— was it a guy or maybe it was a woman? Some— but some journalist was harassing her at the airport. it, like following around, camera in her face, and she just eventually turns and just starts wailing on this person. I thought it was a dude, but now that I'm thinking about it, it might be a lady. I think it's a lady, but I can't remember.

But I do remember the video.

Fucking this lady up.

She's like, yeah, she's like trying to ignore her completely and then just out of nowhere, 0 to 60.

So this person's like just shoving—

Whoa, it's a woman.

Oh yeah, it's a woman. Whoa, fucking feral, dude. That's—

this woman's hitting her with the microphone too. She's fighting back.

Dan Soderbergh should Dan Soto showed me years ago a funny thing of Björk on YouTube. It's just Björk explains the insides of a computer, and it's really her, and she's just like, it looks like a little city, and the people go up in the elevator, maybe, and the wires are like the people, maybe. Or she explains an open TV. It's what it is. They have a back of a TV. Björk explains an open TV.

It looks like this would be the little elevator.

It's so fucking funny.

That is a rude thing to just run up to someone and stick a camera in their face like that.

Oh yeah, I don't believe— like all those like, uh, First Amendment guys, they'll just stand outside of like a, like a store and they'll videotape you and you're like, what are you taping me for? It's like, what's your problem, dude? Free speech, it's America, you could do this. You're like, I'm gonna—

Looking for trouble.

Fucking kill you. Get the camera out of my face. And then it's like a whole— it's a whole genre on, on X and on—

Well, there's just too many people looking for content.

I was gonna say, if you go like this, if the response to what someone says to you What?

Second incident.

The second Björk attack? Oh, she's wild. She attacked a paparazzi photographer after arriving in New Zealand for a concert. This is in— what year was this?

18 years ago. So it doesn't have a year on it. She goes far.

She's like a girl Axl Rose.

Well, that thing says 2008. Okay, so she took a couple of pictures. As I turned to walk away, she came up behind me, grabbed the back of my black skivvy, and tore As she did this, she fell over. She fell to the ground. At no point, at no stage did I touch her or speak with her. Björk said nothing during the incident, but her male companion was saying, B, don't do this. B, don't do this. She's just wild.

Yeah, untethered.

Yeah, unfeathered.

Yeah. Oh yeah, she dressed like a duck.

Yeah, you grow up with an umlaut in your name, it's gonna create mental problems. Where

did she find Björk? She's from Iceland.

Icelandic.

Described to television.

Those are wild people. That's a wild place. Iceland? Yeah, that's a wild place.

I've always wanted to go to Reykjavik.

That is a cold-ass wild place filled with giant human beings. Like, some of the biggest strongmen in the world all come from Iceland. Is it like Prometheus? That guy from—

Oh yeah, yeah, Bjorn, whatever.

Game of Thrones. Yeah, um, a bunch of the strongmen. It's like a freakish culture of humans up there.

Is it just genetics, or is it what they do for—

Vikings?

Yeah.

Oh, it's like the Magnus Ver Magnussons and stuff.

Yeah, those are the real Vikings, the leftover Vikings. And when you see those guys winning those strongman competitions, you got to imagine a fucking boatload of them, a boatload of them coming over, pulling up on your shore with battle axes and fucking running out there on mushrooms.

I'm on a march.

Yeah, they would get— they would be tripping on mushrooms when they would go berserking.

That's wild.

Oh bro, and that's like, they're still there. It's like those genetics are still in those fucking mountains.

Did you go there just to travel there?

No, no, I just know about it. I just know a lot about Iceland specifically because of the strongman culture. It's very weird. It's weird that how many of the strongest men in the world all came out of Iceland. And you see the size of them, you're like, oh, okay, I get it. Like, these are not regular humans.

Yeah.

Like, if you were like a pygmy tribe and you got in a boat and you landed in Iceland and you got out like back in the day, little 4-foot-tall people, and then all of a sudden you saw So they're like, that's a totally different species.

It's like the scene in The Odyssey where the giants are fucking running through the woods, they're just hacking them up.

Spoiler alert.

I know, I haven't seen it. So good.

Fuck, I loved it.

There's giants?

I haven't seen it yet either. I heard it was great though.

Yeah, Trojan what?

Even the people that were mad at it for being, you know, woke casting or whatever, they still said it was—

It did take me out of it. I will say, uh, what's her name? Um, his name, Elliot Page. Yeah, they booked him to be like a, like a, a soldier, and you're like, every time he talks on screen, you're like, that used to be a woman. I'm not— like, it just kind of took me out of it. But

the only thing less scary than a female cop— trans cop.

I've had nothing but pleasant interactions with trans men.

Women to men? Yeah. I had an interaction the other day, Joe, with a trans— a woman-to-man trans man. We told this on Legion of Scars.

Oh dude, this story is fantastic.

So I'll give you the quick version of it. I'm pulling out of a parking space, there's a Citi Bike guy coming by, and I almost hit him. He falls off his bike and And he's like, yo, what the fuck?

I hope it was an urban deer.

I'm a terrible— I'm a terrible driver. I've talked about this a lot. So I'm like, are you okay? He's like, yeah, dude, I'm fine, but watch where you're going. I'm like, all right, cool. So this woman starts screaming from the street, and she's like, stay right there, to me. She's like, stay right there. And the guy's like, no, no, I'm okay, don't worry, miss. I get out of the car, I'm like, what's going on? And then, uh, she's like, you can't go, you hit a pedestrian. I was like, I didn't hit him, he's fine. He's like, I gotta go. He takes off on his bike. So she starts screaming at me. at me. And at this point I'm going like, I'll stay for this. This is gonna be like a fun argument. Why not? So I start yelling back at her. I'm like, fuck you, you dumb bitch. Mind your business, you Karen. She calls the cops, right? So she's on the phones with the cops being like, he's, he's threatening me. And now I'm like, I'm like, now I want the cops to come. Now it's like a whole thing. The whole block is watching.

There's like 20 people on the block watching.

It's crazy how not Puerto Rican you see yourself.

I know.

Let's get the cops here. Yeah, let's get the cops here. They'll probably look at me and think that I'm gonna be the one who's reasonable.

So then, uh, there's a mirror. A mirror?

Yeah, dude, I'll wait for the cop.

Yeah, so then, uh, a— what I believe is a female-to-male trans— I'll show you, I'll show you my phone, I'll show you the picture. It looks like Conor McGregor, but it's got a woman's voice. Starts screaming out the window, and he's like, he's like, why are you talking to a woman that way? I'll come down there and kick your ass. ass. And now I'm like, come down here, kick my ass, motherfucker! I'm yelling at her, I'm yelling at him.

So the trans man was saying that they were gonna kick your ass?

Kick my ass. So then I'm like, I want you to come down. I've been waiting for this moment. I've been training for this day my entire life. Yeah. So then, uh, he goes out, he's like, oh yeah? And he comes back with a gun like this and goes, yeah, you want this smoke? And I'm like, oh shit. Where was this? New York? The East Village, New York City. So then I'm like— and when somebody pulls a gun in New York City or flashes a gun, I'm assuming it's a BB gun, a replica Guns in New York are not easy to come by, especially like a little white trans. Like, I'm just like—

I like to say you've been waiting your whole life to, uh, fucking let a woman finally become a man so you could punch them. He's like, well, I wish they were still— he goes, oh, can you please let me do your wife? Yo, go get some fucking trans surgery. I'm gonna punch you in the face.

So the cops come, right? They tell the woman, they're like, what do you— there's no crime here. The guy left. It was like, no, mind your business. She leaves. Then I go to the cops. I was like, well, you should know this little, uh, man up here here, pulled out a gun.

Now who's the Karen?

Yeah, so then now there's— they shut down the block, fire trucks on both ends, ambulance, 20 cops on the block. Oh, they're waiting to storm this dude's apartment. And I'm sitting there like, this is the greatest moment of my life.

I love how progressive you're being through this entire conversation.

I'm calling him a dude the whole time.

We also don't know for sure.

I don't know. It could have been a gay guy with an effeminate voice. I'll show you the picture in a second, or the video. So, uh, so then the cops finally come, and after like 45 minutes, they go into the building Like they're waiting for whatever. And I'm sitting there, I'm, I'm listening. I'm at the bottom of the stairs listening, and, and the trans dude is yelling at the cops and they're yelling at him. And I'm like, oh, they're gonna fucking shoot him. This is the greatest day of my life. They're gonna light him up. I'm waiting for a gunfight to happen, right? The cops come back 2 minutes later.

Boiling to this.

And I was like, I was like, where is he? And they're like, it wasn't a gun. I was like, what was it? They were like, it was a black dildo. He had a black dildo with a gun handle that he flashed at me through the window.

Which, by the way, a black dildo is more scary to a Puerto Rican guy than a gun.

That's true.

Oh my God. Oh my God, a black dildo with a gun handle.

Yeah, dude, they shut down the whole city block for a black dildo with a gun handle.

That's a great episode of like CSI. Could you imagine the cops going into the apartment, guns drawn, and he's like, hold on, get the fuck off me, it's a dildo. And you see the cops like lower their guns like, what the fuck?

Yeah,

I would like to have a dildo gun though.

I know,

like a gun, like a dildo with a gun handle on it.

And when you pull the trigger, the head swells.

I mean, it would be a fun thing to have. You probably wouldn't use it much.

And maybe a lighter on the end of it.

Yep. That would be nice.

Then you would use it a lot more.

That's true.

That would be both fun and practical.

Oh my God, a little flame comes out of a cockhead on the end of my gun.

A little flag pops out of his bandana.

Like a cigar lighter flame. Like a torch.

Relax, officers, it's just a cock lighter gun.

Easy does it. Holster your guns.

Just a regular old cock holster gun. Someone said you can't, uh, get in New York now, just like the rubber fake black guns anymore. They won't deliver them to New York at all.

So why, why are you so insistent on being involved in conflict?

No, I'm not. Conflict finds me.

That seems like you're a part of it.

I had conflict at Jay's hotel before I came here. It just regularly finds me for some reason, and I— it's like a Larry David thing, like I can't let it go, but I'm not like a nebbishy old Jewish guy, so I fucking react like a Puerto Rican.

You're a psycho.

Yeah, yeah, right. So I— a little, a little slight, like, I, I kind of like, well, you know, that's— and then it just turns, it starts to snowball into like a bigger thing.

Well, I understand how it could happen. Yeah, yeah. That's like when you drink and drive and crash your car and you're talking to the cop, well, I just started with one drink. Like, I get it. Yeah, I know it happens. Just don't do that.

Yeah, but I definitely— what we share is in that thing, like, I'm the person, I'm learning to try to get better, especially as I get older, but like, um, When the idiot like cuts me off in traffic and gives the finger, I'm like, I'm hunting this guy with my car. Yeah, I do the same thing too. And my hope is that I get on his ass enough that he ends up cartwheeling down the fucking road. And then people are like, are you out of your fucking mind? Like, fuck that guy. He's in like a shitty car. They're like, who cares? And I'm like, no, it's justice. We have to bring justice to the world.

Dude, I had that. Remember Runyon Canyon? Not Runyon Canyon. Laurel Canyon? How you get to the top of Mulholland and everyone would try to get into the right lane and then cut back over?

Yep, yep.

I literally drove— I was like, drove a guy where I'm like, I'm not— we did chicken all the way. I'm like, I'm gonna drive him into the fucking dog park. I will let this happen right now rather than let this fucking guy cut me off. I want to drive him into the fucking dog park.

Road rage is the weirdest thing. I don't know what it is. Like, you get so angry.

When you get home, you're like, thank God I didn't get out of a car. Like, what a fucking idiotic thing to do.

You know where it comes from? It comes from your, your body's on a heightened sense of awareness because you're driving a car really fast. So you're aware that you have to make split-second moves. Things are moving and you're going like this, so you're already at 7. is. So anything that happens, like, fuck you, you are— you don't go from 0 to fuck you, you're already at 7. Yeah, because you're in a car. Like, you don't realize that your car— you're tense, especially in LA. People are driving fast, a lot of people are cutting people off. You're always thinking, you always have to be alert and looking and pay attention because you're aware of the consequences. So you're at this heightened state of awareness. So any little slight that happens is like you're at war.

It feels that way, dude.

But you got to realize that like in the car and like chill. Yep. It's hard to do. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody— yeah, but just don't chase people down in your car.

It's a great Louie bit.

If you have to go fuck you, let out the fuck you, but you know, don't chase them. Don't—

It's a great Louie bit where he's like, somebody, all they have to do is like slightly go into your lane and you're like, fuck you, you motherfucker! You get so angry so fast for like the slightest little like—

So that's where it comes from.

What I've been taking to— I'm thinking about getting a dry erase board to keep in my car because all I really want to do is I feel like I have the skill to say something that's going to ruin their day if they just see it real quick. It'll just get back whatever you need to get back. The problem is now I got a knee drive while I write my clever quip.

Maybe instead of a dry erase board, you can get like an LED banner on the front of your windshield. You can say it, then you can just say it and it'll print it out.

Damn,

they're not going to let you print out slurs.

They wouldn't be able to stop you.

He goes, someone's got tech money over here.

Yeah, well, if you think But think about it, it's not a— there's no law that says you can't have that, right? No. Can you have an LED thing that shows letters? It might be distracting.

Yeah, maybe not.

Well, see if you have the middle finger thing on your car.

I have the middle finger in my car. So it turns it on. It has 5, so it'll either give like a this, like, thanks man, you let me in. It'll give like a, like something like a thumbs up, and then it'll give the fucking bird. Here, using an LED

banner or scrolling message sign on a car is generally illegal. illegal while driving on public roads. All right, but you know what you can get? You can get a, um, one of those loudspeakers, because I saw one of those, uh, survival trucks. It's like a bulletproof survival truck, and it has an alarm, like, like, like a siren, like a cop siren. And it also has like a loudspeaker. Attention, attention! Oh my God, leave the road!

That'd be great. I hope your mother gets AIDS.

Carry on. You could 100% get that installed in your car. That would actually be hilarious.

That's a goodie.

But then you could make viral videos of you

cursing

people out.

Yes, I love it,

bro. That's actually a good idea. And I think— let's find out if that's legal. Where do you live? Where do you live? In Jersey? See if that's legal in Jersey.

You got a birthday coming up, big guy.

I hate those air holes.

We'll hook you up. I'll find a guy. I'll find a guy. What kind of car are you driving these days?

Ram truck.

Oh, perfect. Plenty of room back there. Yes, plenty of room. They can get that. Oh, 100%. They probably make it They probably make one for it. Like, you're imagining cows out of the road.

You're imagining a much manlier Ram truck. Jay's is all souped out with like, like lights and shit on the bottom and strobes.

All Ram trucks are pretty fucking manly.

Yeah, dude. I've had a Ram on the back, you ask.

2 different TRXs. You ever have a— you ever drive a TRX? It's the most ridiculous car you could drive.

Like fucking fast.

It's like a 700-horsepower truck that you get right from the factory. Okay, sound and boom car laws. Plainly audible rule under New Jersey law. Operating a vehicle sound system or loudspeaker that is plainly audible at 50 feet or more is illegal.

To be fair, it's more illegal to chase somebody and run them off the road.

But here's the thing about that. Using exterior-mounted speakers, PAs, or loud system, or loud playing sound from open doors, boom parties, that exceeds the distance threshold can result in roadside citations. Emergency sirens mimicking official emergency vehicle sirens or horns with a car speaker system is strictly prohibited. The thing is, like, you can still buy those trucks. This

is doable.

Yeah, this is all doable. It's like they have to prove that you have that in there.

But also, 50 feet is like, I don't need that much space. I'm gonna get next to him to make sure he hears it, right?

Yeah, 50 feet's not that far on the road.

I'm gonna go, look at my face while I put my—

hmm.

But clearly, I hope you fucking cartwheel home at some point and your car flips over and you don't have airbags in your piece of shit.

But this is weird because— Carry on. Horns are plainly audible. There's no law that you can't just lay on your horn.

Did you ever hear those air horns?

No, there are no— holding on your horn for an extended amount of time, you can get a ticket for.

I've done that in New York traffic when I've been the one that's like agitated and late. I've looked— do you know if you hang— lay on your horn enough, it turns off? Just stops. Yeah. And then it won't work again for a while.

You got old. You got to get an old car. Yeah, get a car before the government got involved. Yeah.

Yeah, now it shuts it off.

1983 Ram. Honking a car horn in New York City is illegal unless used as a warning of imminent danger. Well, someone needs to put all those cab drivers in a jail. Yeah. And violator fines ranging from $800 to $2,500. Wow, that's crazy.

It's really illegal to give a little zap when like someone's not going in front of you because you see they're on their phone?

You give a tap.

That's crazy though. Imagine you lay on the horn and you get a $2,500 charge.

Like, that's polite. Beep. Hey, you're not paying attention.

Yeah, well, it's important, 'cause every now and then people don't see you, and they need to know.

Especially bikers. There's a whole, uh, Gerard Butler maybe movie or something? Or no, it was Russell Crowe movie about that. Like, his whole anger is the girl behind him wouldn't apologize for laying on the horn. He was like, I didn't know the light turned green. You could have just given like a, huh-huh. It's that simple. Like, huh? And then she was like, fuck you. And then the movie's just him chasing her and murdering her family.

Oh yeah.

A second and a half sounds so aggressive. Like, just like a beep, that's cute. You're like, all right, you gotta pay attention. But I feel like just that, you're like, fuck you, buddy.

No, yeah, right. That's your—

Solstice, is that what it's called? Unhinged. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's pretty good.

I'm sure it's good. Russell Crowe's the fucking man.

He's like, you just give one of these, just like that. There's no reason to do this.

I had a Tesla and, uh, the horn wasn't in the center. It was a button. It was a button on the steering wheel, and every time something happened, where's the button? It was never good. It was never— it was a terrible idea.

You need to be able to put a little something in there.

Yeah, even if you're like, it could— you reach it with your thumb, you could reach it with your thumb, but there's other shit there too. You know, you're fucking in a—

ah, you turn the—

should be in the center. You just slam the center.

You turn your windshield wipers on, you're like, fuck, motherfucker.

The new ones do it now, it's in the center. But you lock in cruise control. But fucking cocksucker. Yeah, it was terrible. I He did a bunch of shit that supposedly makes them better that I think is not good. And one of the things, they removed the blinker thing. There's no stalk now, it's buttons.

It's all buttons now.

So I fuck it up all the time.

There's no— even the drive. I have an old Model 3, you know, you drive and reverse is still on the side. Now the new ones are just half the screen.

Yeah, yeah. Well, the new one, mine, yeah, you swipe. You swipe up to go forward and swipe back to go backwards. It's

like,

yeah, it's getting too like—

yeah, how about a thing like a car?

Well, they're video— because they're video gaming it for young people.

Well, I think they're removing everything because they're eventually going to get to fully automated cars. Oh yeah. And the idea is make everything buttons. So they already have this— these cyber cabs that are traveling around all over Austin.

You see those?

Nobody in them.

Yeah, they never drop you off at the right place. Sometimes they don't move. You're sitting in there, you're like, support, you call them, you're yelling at them. Yeah, and the Waymos.

Oh yeah. there's different Cybercabs, like a gold— gold, like it looks like a small— yeah, it looks like a small Cybertruck.

It's like a weird gold-looking model. Oh, I've seen that. Yeah, sure. Um, and then there's other ones that seem to be different colors that have Cybercab logos on them. I don't know if it is a Cybercab, but the Waymos— I saw a Waymo doing a pretty aggressive lane entry the other day. I was like, huh,

like almost cutting someone off.

Yeah, I was like, really? Yeah, just assumed that the person next to him was gonna like stop and just went right in front of him. I was like, whoa.

Learn how to drive.

Yeah.

But it was like, they're getting a little comfortable.

Wanna bet this is an Asian or a girl?

I calculated the amount of time it would take me to change lanes and it was adequate.

I had an Uber driver last night tell me that she's like, I told her I took a Waymo, she, because she was like, man, I don't really do that. You know, it was like,

you should smell my farts and listen to my music.

Exactly. But I was like, she's like, it's better than— Waymo's better than the old company they had. She's like, the old— there was another company, I can't remember what she said, It was like they were going under the assumption that it would learn, the car would learn from other drivers. And what it did is it learned horrible habits. It was like going through red lights. It was going like 50 through a school zone and shit. Like it learned from actual real people how to fucking drive poorly. That's crazy. And they were like, oh, we gotta shut this thing down. Like I got in a Waymo and it's like, if you gotta get like, I have like 20 minutes to get to the airport. And Waymo says like 24. You can't be like, step on it. It's like, right, it's only gonna go as fast as it's going to go. You can't like ask it to go—

Yeah, well, hurry up mode.

But then the other problem is sometimes you tell an Uber driver to hurry up, sometimes they're like, they pull over and they're like, get out. You're like, what? This happened to me twice now where I've been like, I'm in a big hurry, and the guy just literally just pulls over and he goes, get out, I'm not taking you. And then you can't do anything because they have all of your information and you can't like— so you're just It's

like, what did I say? Like, oh really?

You have to be a little smoother with it, I guess.

Yeah, I'm kind of in a rush or what, I don't know.

Hey, I don't, you know, it's not a requirement, but it would be nice if we can get there a little quicker.

Yeah, well, Uber and Uber Eats, I think there's just no over— no answer or anything. That's why they don't— couldn't give a shit. I feel like especially in the city areas, they don't give a fuck.

Have you done the full self-driving thing yet?

All the time.

Yeah, all the time. I brought my car and they gave me a rental for a couple days, and I literally was like, well, let's try it. Went right to the city.

I ignored it for a long time. I always liked to drive myself, but then recently over the last like year or so, coming home from the club at night, you know, having a good time at the club, laughing with the boys, I'm like, I don't want to pay attention. Yeah, I'd rather just make a phone call. So I call like a buddy of mine back home and we're talking on the phone and I'm literally just sitting down. Yep. And the car's doing everything.

Stopping at every red light. It's fully automated now.

Fully automated.

This must be a question that's already asked probably 1,000 times, but like, are you able to like drink?

No, no, it's got a camera in it.

So no, no, no. And if you're drunk—

I don't mean drink like in it. I'm saying, are you able to drink?

No, that's what I was gonna say. No, if you're drunk and you get in your Tesla and you say, oh officer, I wasn't even driving, the car's driving. Uh-uh. Yeah, but you could be drunk in the backseat of a CyberCab. Yeah, but I have a problem with that. So you converted your car to being a CyberCab? And you just like— Sit in the backseat.

I think they should have a mode where you're allowed to get in the backseat drunk and have your car drive you home if it's fully automated.

Dude, they're talking about the full self-driving thing to giving it to blind people, and I'm like, I swear to God, dude, think about it. You put a blind person behind there, there's someone there but they can't see. What's the difference between being drunk and being a blind person driving a car? Would you rather drive with a drunk person or a blind person?

Drunk person.

But also, it's like you're relying on that blind person to use text-to-speech or speech-to-text to talk to the navigation system to tell them where to go. And what if it translates it incorrectly? Because it does with me all the time.

Yeah, you don't know where— yeah.

All the time. And with Apple, with the fucking Apple Maps, it does it when I use Siri. It does it with the Tesla. If I say something and it doesn't understand me, it'll show me a bunch of wrong options. So what does the blind person do?

I don't know, but they were literally talking about like, this is gonna be The future for blind people.

Blind people are just pimping.

Driving around.

It can also— you press summon. So say if you're in a parking lot and you say, come to me, the car will pull out of the lot and drive over to where you are. Like, say if you got— you're at the supermarket, you got a bunch of bags to put in your trunk, it'll just pull up to where you are.

It's pouring out, you don't feel like going out.

You couldn't do that at like a gated, like it has to wait to run the plate thing.

You can't do it at the airport. Like, you can't be like, you're on level 4 and like you get out of baggage claim, you're like, come get my car, we'll come down. It has to be within like, I think, a distance of—

But that's only a matter of time. I mean, within 5, 10 years, it's gonna be— there's not gonna be any Uber drivers. It's gonna be all automated taxis. That's, that's happening.

When I first got a Tesla was like 2017-ish, maybe '18. And that one didn't do any of these things. That one did self-driving, but you had to stop for stop signs. You had to stop for stoplights. But like, we were on Laurel Canyon. I was driving with my wife and I just had my hands off the wheel. I was like, look at this. This is crazy. And it's just keeping us in the lane, driving everywhere you want and it stays in the lane. It was a little shaky back then.

I don't even do that still. I have the thing that's like, if I turn that off, all that stuff— Lane assist? Yeah, it's like—

Oh, I need it.

If you get out of the lane, it goes— But

the new self-driving's got 5 modes. It could be like, you could be snail mode, like slow mode, normal, fast, and then like get me the fuck there or something like that. Really? Yeah, and I didn't put it on. Have you ever fucked with any of the modes?

No, I just have it drive.

Yeah, 'cause it's like—

I'm not in a rush.

I wanna see what it like, does it like start speeding and going around people and driving like a lunatic?

It is like, it's really good. Like, it changes lanes if the cars in front of you are going slow.

Yep. Are you comfortable to not look at all and just be on your phone?

No, I look. I'm still weirded out by it.

What are you looking at, the wheel, or are you looking at the screen?

Yeah, outside. Well, I usually do it when I want to make a phone call, so I'll make a phone call and I'll just be talking to a friend and I'll just be looking around. It's like you're having a conversation while you're getting a ride somewhere. It doesn't feel like you're driving, even though you're kind of sort of paying attention just in case, just in case, I keep my hands there, but it— I'm fully comfortable with it.

The one Waymo in Austin, remember they shut Waymo down for like a couple months in Austin? It was like, they're like, these aren't ready because it was a shootout in downtown Austin and the Waymo just pulled up right in the middle of it between the cops and the people shooting and

blocked everything. Yeah, yeah. And also, like, too many of them get to an intersection, no one knows what to do.

Wait, like 4 Waymos get to us, they don't—

Well, if it's nothing but Waymos, like there's 20 Waymos in one intersection. What the fuck happens? The craziest thing that happened in San Francisco— so Waymos operate on LiDAR, whereas Teslas operate on cameras. So the problem with LiDAR, when the grid goes down, so does the car. Oh, so fucking— the car stalled out, and then Elon was like on Twitter going, I told you so, but this is why I don't use it. Really stupid.

What's the grid? I don't know. The power.

Power outages. Oh, so if there's a power outage that's controlling these cars, they

just stop?

I'm pretty sure they just stop. Maybe they pull over and they stop. I don't know if they stop right in the middle of the intersection.

That's like a hacker's dream, dude.

Well, there's a lot of hackers' dreams out there with all these cars.

Shutting down all— once it all becomes we're all reliant on Waymo.

So in Korea, a bunch of people got arrested recently in South Korea because they had hacked into their Teslas and they had enabled full self-driving, which is a subscription thing. Usually you have to pay for it. So these guys figured out a way— I mean, probably coders— like, why would I pay? Fuck you. And they went in and jailbroke the whole Tesla system and put in self-driving, and they got arrested.

Damn. I mean,

it's interesting, right?

It's good they could do it.

Yeah, it's kind of interesting.

I don't even set up my Roomba. I'm afraid of all that stuff. It's like, I don't use Alexa in my house or any of that shit where people are like, yeah, Alexa, turn the lights on and stuff.

Fuck Alexa. But it's weird. It's like, am I buying this thing and this thing is capable of doing And then you want me to pay money so the thing can do what it already can do? It seems like you're just taking money from me. Yes, it's friction. It seems like it's in the thing. Why don't you just sell the thing that does the thing? Why do I have to pay a subscription to make it do what it can do? I

don't think it was a subscription. It's that they're not illegal in Korea. Ohhhhh.

Full self-driving

isn't legal there.

Oh, only US-built models sold in South Korea, like Model S, X, and Cybertruck, that have full self-driving That's legally past Korea's safety regulations, the outlet said. And since Korea also gets Chinese-built Model Ys and 3s, most Tesla drivers in the country can't access the feature through traditional means. That's interesting.

But still, same point though. They bought the car. They should be able to do what they want with it,

right? Right. Well, I guess they're violating the law where you can't have a car drive itself. That's a different law they're violating. than just breaking the subscription model. But if you did that in America, I wonder— I just, I'm not a fan of subscriptions. There's like, there's, there's certain car manufacturers that make you charge, charge you a subscription so that you could use Apple CarPlay.

Yeah, I have to pay for an Audi subscription.

Are you fucking kidding me?

To use the internet in the Audi and other things, it's a monthly fee.

It's a fucking USB-C cable. You plug it into your car and then it just immediately starts working. You want me to pay for that every month? That's crazy because you can get an aftermarket one. Like, I have muscle cars that have Apple CarPlay, like a '68 Ford that has Apple CarPlay. Like, how come I have to pay every month to use this? You're just stealing money.

Oh yeah, for

sure. You're just sucking money out of my bank account.

But it's almost like, uh, is an OnStar thing like that? You have to pay to have OnStar, but like, shouldn't there just be like an emergency button in your car?

Yeah.

Well, OnStar, I think the idea is you're paying because there's a bunch of people that are there that are working, so you're paying for a service. It's like not just the car, it's like you're paying for infrastructure. Like a health benefit. Yeah, yeah. That's a little different.

But the technology in the Tesla's already built in. It's whether or not you're just turning it on or off.

Exactly.

Doesn't Tesla suck though? Like if you have a busted tire though, you can't go to like, you know, see a guy named Gus.

No, tires are the same. Same tire.

I thought they'd come out and like take it to the factory.

They go through tires faster than— but my Tesla's got 106,000 miles. I've never put brakes on it. I never— no oil changes, no nothing.

The beautiful thing about them is when you let off the gas, it brakes itself. So that's how it stops. I barely touch the brake on my Tesla. I know now like how much distance I need when I see a red light ahead. I just let off the gas and just

slows down to a stop.

Slows down and it's regenerating the battery while it's doing that a little bit.

Yeah.

You know, the battery life depending upon how you drive, I mean, it's not the best.

Have you driven in a BYD? I was in France and they were all over the place. They had no Teslas, but they're the Chinese—

Those are incredible.

Insane.

They're incredible.

Insane. Like Like more comfortable than that. Like,

they have crazy ones now. Yeah, they have a new supercar over there that's, it's like faster than anything you can buy in America. They're doing nutty shit.

Why can't you buy BYDs here? Is it China? You can't—

Good question. Yeah, it's a good question.

I'm an analog guy. I like my cars, 2 pedals.

I know my wife hates all this shit. She was— she won't even drive my car. She won't even— and I've had it for 8 years.

They work. She hates it. It's so great. They work. great. They really do. Super fucking reliable, and they're really fast though. They— like, I have the Model S Plaid. Wow. And when I'm at a red light, it just goes— like, if I want, the light turns green, goes— you're just gone. No sound, no noise. It's like a rocket. 0 to 60 in 1.6 seconds. You're just gone.

It's

terrifying. And meanwhile, it fucking handles. It's awesome. Yeah, incredible. But it's also— it's just quiet.

The charging thing is what gets me. I was gonna rent one one time, and then I was— they were about to hand me the keys then I was like, wait a minute, I don't have to find a charger for this.

The ramp one is a problem. But the thing is, if it's at your house, you just pull into your house and you just plug it in at night. It's fucking easy.

Mine goes from midnight to 7 AM. It's like you just— it's like a clock set.

And you drive to the city and back home?

I have to. I mean, the mileage is— when I first got mine, it was 310 was the maximum. Now every year it goes down like 10 miles an hour. So now I'm like 250.

It's like your battery in your phone. After a year or two, it gets worn out. It becomes less.

Same kind of thing.

But you could get the batteries replaced. Yeah, it's just—

I'm sure they have like portable, like an extra battery that like is— they don't have anything.

Have you seen the ones now?

Big deal.

You can like buy a solar panel thing that you can bring on a road trip, right? So you gotta go hike in a mountain for a little bit, you want to charge your car, you roll it out onto the roof of your car, you just plug it into the charger and the sun will charge your car while you're—

probably a little,

a little bit. It's not like a supercharger, but you can get a couple miles back, you know, probably 10 miles an hour or something Steve, you're an elitist. No, I'm just—

Well, so what are you hiking in mountains?

But I'm just saying, you know, like— With a Tesla. Yeah, that's true. That's what the commercial did. They were like in the mountain, they're like, gotta go on a hike or something.

It's like the herpes commercials where people are kayaking.

Yeah, they looked great and fit. That's not me.

I know the Cybertruck's very polarizing, but that fucking thing's incredible. Yeah. It's incredible.

Yeah.

You know what it's not incredible for? I saw a person hauling furniture in the back of it and got on the highway and all of that furniture proceeded to fly off.

Well, that person's an idiot. What an idiot. Furniture down. That could have happened in a fucking Tacoma.

Oh yeah, absolutely. It was so dumb,

dude. In Los Angeles, we went to the Tesla Diner. We were like, oh, this is kind of cool. Tesla Diner. First of all, the menu stinks. But then the cool part, they had like 10— it's a diner, there's like 10 items on the menu. It's fucking insane. So the cool part is they have 2 gigantic movie screens. Like, you could like pull up and watch— they have different movies playing, um, and you can just pull in and watch a movie in your car while you eat. But they only allow you to watch a movie in your car if you have a Tesla. So it's like the coolest part of the entire experience you have to have a Tesla for.

Interesting. Yeah. Well, that makes sense though. I mean, why would you— why would they allow their competitors to pull into the Tesla diner?

They let me buy a goddamn cheeseburger.

Well, you didn't have a car.

Yeah, well, I didn't have a car. I walked right in.

How was the cheeseburger?

Terrible.

Really?

It wasn't good. It was not a good diner.

The guy's not building cheeseburgers, you know. It's like, let him do what he wants to do.

You need a cheeseburger to land itself.

But it seems like if you can make a rocket get caught by a robot arm. Yeah, you should be able to figure out a good cheeseburger. Fucking cheeseburger.

The self-eating cheeseburger.

This is not rocket science, literally.

It's true.

It's a fucking cheeseburger. Yeah, it's the one thing. You ever see the kids working at In-N-Out? Yeah. You know, they're normal people.

It's the one thing Musk can't figure out. The burger. It's always eluded me.

It's too complicated. It's impossible. Can't be done. I mean, there's a lot of people that can make a good burger. farm it out to them. But yeah, I would imagine if you're gonna be Tesla, you should put your name on a solid fucking burger. Solid burger. Space burger.

Lewis is a little uppity about food though.

I'm a snob. I had the best burger in the world, San Sebastian, Bar Dezi.

What is that? Where is it?

A place in San Sebastian, Spain called Bar Dezi. Spain?

You're a world traveler.

I love to— I go, I travel all the time, so I spend money on— and I brought my son on a father-son trip there.

Low age of consent.

We went to this— we went to San Sebastian where it's like a huge eating culture. All of these like more Michelin-star restaurants per square meter than anywhere else in the world.

Really?

And this one spot called Bar Dezi, they specialize just— it's literally meat like melted, like almost like a cream cheese in a bun.

Like a brioche.

It's— dude, it's like raw. It's barely cooked. I took the last bite of this burger and I got emotional like I had taken like ecstasy. I was like, it was the best thing I've ever eaten in my entire life.

You

gotta take ecstasy again. What's the place called again? Bar Desi.

Yeah, you know, there's something about when you're going for like a thing you wouldn't eat all the time, like not a very like ho-hum like thing like a burger or something. I watch a guy's, uh, on Instagram that says stuff. He was, he was getting like, you know, the 5th best burger in the world in someplace overseas that he flew for. And he goes, when he ate it, he was like, it's really good, it's a great burger, but I think with burgers you're just gonna find you can only do— if you use good ingredients, you can just only do so much that's gonna make it taste like— nope, it's gonna be, you know, I mean, a great burger in America is not much less good than that.

Nothing like that burger, not even close. And I love a good burger. That burger was fucking crazy. I'm gonna go back in the next couple years just for the burger.

Is it the meat they're using? It's the meat.

So that's the whole thing is like, they're like, they spent 2 years developing like their meat blend, fat to meat, and like what they use. And, uh, yeah,

the secret ingredient, elk.

Oh, okay.

So right back after these words.

It's from the older cows. That's one of the things they do in Spain. Um, they, they like to cook older cows. Like, they— you can get that at Bazaar Meat. Jose Andres, you know, he's Spanish. Great place. Yeah, he's amazing. And his, uh, place, they'll, they'll sell those. They sell these older cows, and it does taste different. It's really good. It's very Very beefy.

Do you have to age the meat then too, or is the—

Yeah, they age them as well, but they— it's also an old cow. Instead of like, if you buy like a ribeye steak from a supermarket, it's probably a cow that's only like a year and a half old or something like that, and then they killed it and they chopped it up into meat. They get them big as quickly as possible, they chop them up. When you go to some of these like classic Spanish steakhouses, there's some amazing Spanish steakhouses that I've watched videos on on Instagram, and the way these guys are cooking, they're cooking over like live coals, and they just put salt all over the steak, and the steak has fat that's like a dark yellow, like because they're just eating nothing but grass. They're never eating corn, and they're laying these, these steaks down there, sizzling them, and you see these people eating them, they're like, what the fuck?

Yeah, marbleization.

I think the best steakhouse in the world is in Spain. I think like the number one rated steakhouse on earth is in Spain, I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, I think Ari and Bobby Kelly went to what's considered the best, you know, restaurant in the world somewhere in

Spain.

No. Oh yeah,

maybe they do this list every year, like the best restaurants. It's Spain in the past like 20 years. 10 of the years have been restaurants in Spain. They're very big into food culture.

It's like that movie, it's like The Menu. Do you wanna do something like that, Louis? Like The Menu thing where you go to a place and you're eating this.

Yeah, I like to do that every time. When me and my son went, we went to 3 different Michelin-starred restaurants. We got the

tourist delight.

That's it, Jamie, go back, go back. But I'll tell you exactly the one that would— go back to that, scroll up so I could see what it said. No, no, no. Yeah, that's that Casa Julián. That place is like— when you watch these guys cooking, and it's, it's generally these guys that have been in these fucking places for decades, and they were under some famous chef.

They worked in his kitchen for 20 years.

In the— you just watch it, you get fucking starving.

Yeah, dude, it's incredible. Yeah, the preset menu, if you go to like a really nice— I went to the other day, I went to Hestia here. They have a tasting menu that's incredible.

Like, look at the— oh yeah, it's great. So, but look at the fat. See how yellow the fat is? Yeah, it's crazy, right? Yeah, like that fat is all just grass, and they just put nothing but salt on it, and they serve it rare. Rare. Like, you get your steak rare. It's just seared on the outside and rare. And

that's exactly how I love it.

Fucking fantastic.

So good.

It's so good.

Do they have a burger?

I bet they do.

Sure.

I bet they do.

Do they have a kids menu?

Chicken fingers?

Yeah, too much fat for me.

No, my kids destroy meat.

If I can only eat one thing for the rest of my life, 100%, it's ribeyes. Please say elk.

Elk.

No, probably have ribeyes. Yeah, because I— you need— if you only had one thing, you need fat. And the problem with elk meat, which I love, is that you have to have fat with it. Like, I usually eat it with bacon, I usually eat it with avocados, I eat it with other things because it's just pure protein. It's a much more dense animal, a much more dense protein. But like, if you had only one thing forever, it would 100%— it'd be ribeyes. You get fat, you get protein. I don't think you need anything else. Chicken parm? Take your vitamins.

I go cheesesteak. I go cheesesteak. Yeah, hoagie.

I think healthy, I would eat sushi. I could eat sushi for the rest of my life and be happy. Like, just raw fish. Mercury. But too much mercury.

Mercury. Damn. Yeah, you're not supposed to eat sushi every day.

Do you ever—

especially tuna.

Do you have— has your mind gone completely— there's no interest? Like, a splurge for you would never be like a McDonald's one night?

No, I'll have McDonald's. Yeah, I love, uh, I love those Filet-O-Fishes sometimes if I'm hammered.

Good bun.

We're somewhere in some town and there's nothing open, like after a show there's nothing open, like let's go to the Some

of the McDonald's will fuck you after midnight and not give you a fish fillet. Burn it down. Burn it down.

Burn it down. Fish fillet, you're under no illusion that there's anything healthy about anything that you're eating. You're eating a deep-fried chunk of supposedly fish.

North Atlantic cod.

Whatever the fuck it is. It's pieces that they glued together.

Tripoli had that fake great joke. He was like, the, the Filet-O-Fish is a dollar. He's like, you can't even buy a fish for a dollar. He's like, go to a pet store. He's like, a goldfish is $3.

Is it really a dollar?

No, it's probably $6 now.

I'm just never wasting—

I'm never on—

if I'm eating a burger, I'm never wasting it on like McDonald's or like Wendy's. Like, if I'm gonna get a burger, I'm gonna get a good burger, you know?

Yeah, no, I agree. I mean, if I am, but if the only thing that's open is McDonald's, I'll say I'll get a Quarter Pounder, fuck it.

Yeah, Big Mac is—

I had a Quarter Pounder once for the first time in years, like a couple years years ago, and I haven't had one since, but it was sweet. I was like, there's sugar in this bun.

The bread, yeah.

Yeah, like I taste sugar. Like it doesn't taste just like regular bread. I was like, this is weird.

Yeah, McDonald's, everything has like a film on it. Like the burger tastes the same as the fries in a weird way. You drink the soda, you're like, that kind of tastes like the burger.

It was good.

Yeah.

Did you see the thing though, when they, you ever see the experiments where like you leave it out and nothing changes about it? And they always show it and they go, no, a lot of changed. What's changed about it?

They have the one country where they banned McDonald's, it was somewhere in Europe, and they have it like on display in like almost like a museum They were like, the last burger, or the last McDonald's burger that was sold.

Yeah, it still hasn't rotted.

It's been like 20 years and it looks the exact same.

Well, that's why we're all fucked up in America. It's the preservatives.

Did you ever, I mean, the commercials, did you ever do a commercial? I did a McDonald's commercial. And like, they have a chef that comes and makes the burger. So it's like the best version of a McDonald's burger ever that you're using to, you know, that's what you're eating on the day. But nothing ever looks like that. Like, they have someone specifically come to make that burger.

I used to say that it's like an actress's headshot.

shots. Yeah, they're like, it's not real.

That's not what you're gonna get when they show you the audition. No.

At this point, if you get McDonald's though, when it's hot, it's piping hot, you go, this is a good McDonald's. That's all it takes anymore. Yeah, if it's just hot, you're happy.

Well, you want to go when they're busy because

they're turning

over. Yeah, you don't have something just sitting under—

But like you say, it's always like a late night, there's nothing else.

Right, that's a problem. But like, if you want a late night, I think Wendy's is the move. Wendy's is probably the best burger, like, as far as like fast food reliable burger. Wendy's is pretty fucking good.

You know, we decided years ago, we, we did an early Legion of Skanks episode where we— it was talking about those girls, those poor girls in Cleveland. Do you remember that the girl escaped and got out, ran to the neighbor, and they were being held by that guy in like the attic and they were getting pregnant?

No, they were in the basement.

I think it was both. They were— I think they were different places, multiple girls, and he'd get them pregnant and some of them had babies. He would kick them until they They had miscarriages, and it was tor— and they caught him. The girls got out. They caught him. He killed himself in jail. One of the facts of the story was every day he fed them McDonald's. There's a McDonald's across the street, and every day he fed them McDonald's. And we were saying, if you had to live that nightmare, but you can choose the fast food that you would eat every day, what would it be? Wendy's was the clear winner.

Well, the episode was called Subway Counts 'cause we figured out that Subway counts as fast food. Yeah, Subway fast food. It was an Ari Shaffir episode. But it's not just what type of fast food would you have every day. The question really was, if you were being raped by a guy who kidnapped you, what fast food would you want every day?

Forever.

Chick-fil-A. Forever. Chained to a radiator. But your one pleasure a day, you go, it's like, at least I'm getting the fast food I want. Yeah. And Wendy's is— well, no, because there's not enough stuff. Wendy's has salad, they got baked potatoes.

Wendy's doesn't have breakfast.

You're an animal if you're eating a salad at Wendy's. pretending you're healthy.

No, but no one's pretending you're healthy. You're pretending you're trying.

Variety.

Variety.

Well, you're— in your

scenario, you're chained to a radiator.

Yeah, I don't know that.

I think it's a good time for me to piss. Hold down the fort, fellas.

All right, boys, let's take it over.

Um, yeah, no, for me it's— for me it's Burger King.

Burger King has got a great breakfast. The Croissantwich is incredible. The original Croissantwich, the first people to ever put breakfast on a croissant was Burger King. Yeah, they got a great— the chicken sandwich, the rectangular chicken sandwich. I

unapologetically will put the Whopper against that stupid Spain burger you had.

I love a Whopper, dude.

That's actually crazy.

Oh, is it now?

You don't really believe that. This is the thing, sometimes, Jay, you say things and I'm like, you don't actually believe that, so what are we doing?

But you know what though, dude, you appreciate it. He just might be like, I like a burger.

I like the taste.

Yeah, burgers taste like burgers.

burger, guys, I shit you not, like, you know when like you go to breathe and you kind of like do the lip quiver? Like, yeah, I did that when I ate the last bite. I was emotional. And then I walked over to a place, I got some Basque cheese.

You have a lot of unresolved shit you got to work out with a doctor, man. It's got nothing to do with that burger. So it's something to do with like loss and tragedy or something.

This burger represents something to you, Louis. That's the thing you're missing.

Why? You wish you could share this with your father? It's like that kind of thing. Like, yeah, my dad never took me Spanish burger.

Yeah,

well, yeah, it's that. It's emotions that aren't— it's nothing to do— you're out of control.

Maybe. Well, guys, definitely go watch Legion of Skanks while Joe's on here. Yeah, go watch Legion of Skanks.

Skank Fest happening.

3 for life. Skank Fest happening. Single day passes, get them now. Ari Shaffir returning this year. Mark Normand, uh, fucking Jim Norton, Christina P. Tim Dillon isn't officially booked. Okay, he shows up every year. Eric Andre for the first time.

Oh, nice.

So then I said, dude, I don't want to suck your dick. How about that?

Did you see that? Speaking of Eric Andre, did you see him and Chet Hanks? Yeah.

What was that about?

They fought.

They had a fistfight?

I thought they—

no, I thought they had a fistfight. No, they got like separated. But like, it's funny, like, I can't tell if Eric's nervous about it or not for real because Chet Hanks did go get in his face and it was like they just don't like— I guess, I guess Eric Andre like, you know, he's like the crazy guy who does the stuff, but Chet Hanks came on his show as one of the few celebrities knowing what he was going into. And so he fucking fucked with the show back, and I think Eric Andre didn't like that.

Oh really?

I think. And it's like, so they just kind of had like a beef going on, but he cornered him at some Comic-Con or something.

Yeah, he was claiming that Eric said something about him, right?

He did. I think he calls him, you know, I think he just kind of discredited him, like say he was the shittiest guest or something, maybe on the show, something like that. It was like, whatever it was, like, Chet Hanks seems pissed about it. But to have Tom Hanks' son angry at you, and then it comes at you, and it turns out he's a confused country wigger type guy. I don't know what he is. He does 7 genres of music.

Yeah.

The guy used to do R&B.

For real?

It was R&B, and then it became rap, and then now it's country. I didn't know it was country. And now it's back to kind of country rap.

Well, the rap to country pipeline is a real thing that's happening now. Oh yeah, sure. Rappers are kind of figuring out like, oh, I could just do country music. It's the easiest. Kid Rock, dude. Yeah, the easiest music to sing.

Jelly Roll was a rapper.

Yeah. What's his name? The other guy too.

Teddy's— Yellow Wolf? No.

Yellow Wolf does country.

Huh?

He does country now.

Yeah, yeah. I think everyone just kind of goes— it's like a transition to country music. I think you do a lot of bad things when you're a rapper and then you find God.

It's gotta be weird being Tom Hanks' son too, trying to find your own path and everybody's like, oh, fucking Tom Hanks' kid.

Well, also 'cause the other one is so Tom Hanks. Hanksy. The fact that this one's got like neck tattoos— uh, Colin Hanks. So he was like an actor in a bunch. Yeah. And he's like—

I didn't know there was another one.

Yeah, he's like— you've seen him.

Pretty well known.

Yeah, he was in the movie Orange County years ago with, uh, he was the star of that.

Kind of like a dweeby guy.

He's a total Tom Hanks. So exactly, he's like a guy who tucks in his button-down shirt on a Sunday, but like— and then the son's a neck tattoo, you know, like, like, uh, code switching. It's great. He got in trouble one time for talking patois, and he's like, I don't give a shit. shit. Ya bum ba club. And they just made a rap song doing it. I half respect it all. Yeah. I've gone full circle.

You get in trouble for talking that talk? Hmm? Cultural appropriation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So stupid.

It's

so, uh, that shit's so stupid. What's really hilarious is Black ladies complaining about cultural appropriation while they have white wigs on.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Like a white lady wig on. Like, this is crazy. Like, look at your hair. Yeah.

This is literally of, uh, like big Black women intimidating like small white girls with braids and like, take those braids out your hair right now, bitch!

The take your braids out talk is crazy.

You gotta sit there and pick it out.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Take your braids out.

That means you're cultural appropriating or you went to the Bahamas.

Yeah, yeah.

Or you were a Roman. Braids have been around since the beginning of time. It's hilarious.

But again, it's somewhere in the ether. People find that— people are told one day you're supposed to be angry about it. You know what I'm saying? That's the same way, way back to earlier, we were saying like the blackface thing. No one thought anything of it when Bewitched, everyone was in blackface.

When did it become a real— was it the internet? It must be.

I think it was really Ted Danson was like the one. They put him on like the New York Post or something. It was like big time.

It was bad.

When Howard Stern parodied Ted Danson.

Oh yeah, yeah.

It was way worse.

10 times worse.

I think he's buried it completely.

Oh, you could find it. You could find it.

Yeah, for sure. But I mean, he's tried to get rid of it all.

That's when Howard was awesome.

He's, uh, I mean, that was— wow, it was awesome. But even when he was doing it, you were kind of like— I mean, it was on TV. It was on— it was on Channel 9 in Philly. It was like the WB or whatever. Yeah, E!

Entertainment he was on.

Wild.

No, no, that thing— no, that, that thing was on his Channel 9

show. He's doing a radio show every day. He's got to get up at fucking 5 o'clock in the morning, do that radio show, and then he's also doing a TV At the same time.

Oh, that, that— oh yeah, he was— they were getting that. He told that schedule was crazy.

This is Bewitched.

It's Bewitched. Everyone's— yeah.

Oh, this is crazy.

But it's B apostrophe W-I-T-C-H-E-D.

Oh, you know how— who had something on blackface, Jamie? Cody Tucker. You know Cody, the guy was on our podcast recently, had a thing on Joni Mitchell, like Joni Mitchell, uh, had invented some character for something, and it was her in blackface dressed up as a man. Yeah.

And singing songs?

Well, here, I'll play the Cody Tucker thing. It's crazy.

I think the song Time, the video for Time by Culture Club's got a bunch of people in blackface.

Here it is. This is crazy.

Folk musicians of all time and is known for her socially progressive messages within her music. Despite that, Joni Mitchell has had some interesting moments when it comes to race. This guy's gonna be a genius. She was once asked to introduce Muhammad Ali at Madison Square Garden and told fellow musician Joan Baez that she was going to introduce him to the crowd as a jive-ass N-word. Luckily, she decided against it. In 1977, Joni Mitchell released the album Don Juan's Reckless Doll. The COVID of that album featured an African-American man named Art Nouveau, except Art Nouveau wasn't an actual person, but instead Joni Mitchell dressed in total blackface. Whoa, she looks like my dad. She's had an affinity for blackface for quite some time and has dressed as her African-American alter ego on multiple occasions. Joni Mitchell is one of the most iconic Okay,

that's it. That's crazy.

Is that the shirt he was wearing?

That's a different time. Back then, yeah, that was just her being silly. No one even thought of that as being racist. She's just pretending to be a person that's Black.

Introducing Muhammad Ali as a giant.

That's an issue.

That's an issue.

But you know what's crazy is no matter how much hearsay— yeah, but I'm saying, yes, all the activism she's done and all the stuff, I'm sure the positive stuff she's done, uh, it— that does get— for some people, that just wipes it That's what I'm saying. They don't— they don't go—

That's one of the reasons why they do it. They signal to the base that they're a good person now, and they go way overboard. When you notice like men that go way overboard with the woke shit, they usually got some fucking shady shit in their past.

That's what they always get nailed with. That's the Bill Cosby effect, right?

Well, it's like a lot of these guys that went like, you know, I hate to throw Stern under the bus, but he went super woke. And one of the problems is if you go back through his archive, archives. There's horrendous shit in there. Vicious. But it was like, at the time, that was fun. Like, when we used to do O&A, like, it was shock jock. Like, we were shocking each other on purpose, saying fucking completely outrageous shit. And if you're a person that, you know, wants to be accepted by the Democratic Party and you want to be— like, there comes a certain moment in time where you have to abandon all that stuff and you have to completely buy into whatever the fuck saying.

Yeah, it's one of the—

take the oath.

One of the best things that Jay ever came up with when we were doing— we were like 3 years into Legion of Skanks, and Jay was like, we should start calling it the most offensive podcast on earth so when people come they know exactly what they're gonna get. I think it's why we've never gotten in trouble for all the horrible shit we've said.

You also did a brilliant thing, and that's you went subscription early on. You're like, look, fuck advertising, fuck all this, let's just like have this. Everybody knows what we're doing, have the fans pay for it, but give them what they want. Yeah. And you guys have always stuck to that. It's It's always— you've never watered it down. It's always been chaos. It's always been Ari shitting on stage or whatever, someone fucking a Fleshlight. Like, it's—

you guys getting jerked off by a Fleshlight. You

fucked—

you fucked the Fleshlight.

You fucked Big Jay by proxy. It's like electricity went through you. It's like, that's the right way to do it, you know? Kumia did that with Compound Media. It's like, that's the way to do it if you want to be that— if you want to go like this straight progression from like Opie and Anthony Anthony, satellite radio wildness right into that. Like on Opie and Anthony, we did that fucking thing where that guy— they did the big bird. The baby bird? Baby bird.

Oh dude, I remember that.

With me and Burr and Ari, and I think Ari might have named it the baby bird. Someone. But it was basically my idea because of Fear Factor. I was like, why don't you lay your head over that barrel and he'll throw up in your mouth? And this guy was like, okay. And then the amount of puke that came out of this guy's mouth. And so this was on a flip phone. You can watch the video. So the flip phone is like terrible resolution because it's like 2003 or something like that. I was never more jealous. That was the amount. And that was—

Oh my God.

Pat Duffy. Shout out to Pat Duffy. He was the intern.

Look at foundrymusic.com. That's what all this stuff was on.

Yeah.

That was like their— that was their website, sort of.

That's crazy.

Yeah. And remember they used to like stream it live on the internet on a laptop? There was some fucking PalTalk or something you had to get. Yeah. Oh, it was insane.

That was a collab. They were rancid.

See, watch the video. PalTalk. Yeah, watch the video because the video's nuts because it's either my phone or someone else's phone. I forget who got the video of it, but it's super low resolution. You know, this is like a 2003 video. It only goes like—

Joe Rogan playing carolines all weekend long with The Amazing Racist, uh, opening up. Pat, how are you?

That was Ari Shaffir. He used to call himself The Amazing Racist.

I knew Ari Shaffir from The Amazing Racist before I knew Ari Shaffir. Me and Dave Smith would rent the, the National Lampoon's video that had The Amazing Racist on it. Yeah. And we were like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Then we met Ari, we were like, the fuck? It

was made by the ShamWow guy.

Yeah, that's true. That caused him so many problems early in his career. Yeah, Ari's always been a maniac from the jump.

Mine's fine.

Scoot along a little bit.

Where's this camera footage of it? This guy's got a really nice camera.

Oh, what's he drinking,

dude? That's— that's a guy working for ONA.

Is this somewhere?

He's going for 75.

Does he have to open his mouth?

So he's at 75 shots of—

Cameras and everybody can—

75 shots.

Yeah, that's fine.

People are calling— Of eggnog.

So, and also, yeah, also he's diabetic. Oh, Jesus. So there's the— there's the beginning. So here's the start. So he drinks the last one, and he— so that's the beginning. But no, it's impossible volume. The volume is impossible. Look at that. Oh my God. No, no, no, it keeps going. Keep going. It— no, it goes beyond real. It's like cartoonish, like you can't believe it's real. Watch this. Here it comes. He's gonna hang in there. Here he goes. He's holding on.

That guy's covered.

We're artists.

Here he goes. But no, you, you're still not stunned enough. Here it comes. This is not over by any means.

Who's the person getting vomited into their mouth?

Fat Duffy. Kid's an animal.

Moment in radio history, period. Trust me on that.

Where's the rest of it? Oh, you must have cut it out of the beginning. Did you just fast forward?

Not really.

Oh my God, he covers his clothes at one point.

Oh my God, watch, watch this. Like that one. That's insanity. That's— he threw up in his mouth, and again, he threw up in his mouth like 5 fucking times.

Isn't that crazy? That show ended like a rock band. Yeah, like the way they all just were fucking—

Oh, there it is, there it is, there's the big one.

I came right at the end of— I came right at the end of Opie and Anthony.

Oh, it was so fun. And then I started doing—

I started doing Ron and Fez at Pennington.