Transcript of Time for a Game of Douche or No Douche | Postgame Show

Against the Spread is presented by DraftKings Sports. DraftKings, the crown is yours. Tony.

All right, we are going to Major League Baseball. The Cleveland Guardians, Parker Messick on the bump, -1.5 against the second worst team in all of Major League Baseball, the San Francisco Giants. Giants, who have somebody named Matt Wilkinson starting tonight. I'm gonna take Parker Messick, one of the best pitchers in baseball. I'm gonna take the Cleveland Guardians, who are fighting for a spot in the wild card.

Oh, you don't know about Matt Wilkinson?

That's Tugboat.

Yes, that's Tugboat. What do you mean? Guys, I'm about to introduce you to your new favorite baseball player, Matt Tugboat Wilkinson. He is a 200— he is a 270-pound left-handed pitcher whose fastball averages 89 miles an hour. So he's Jamie Moyer. He just got called up. He's the most throwback of throwbacks. He's a hefty Jamie Moyer. He is a hefty Jamie Moyer. He was traded by Cleveland earlier in the year. So now he's going back and playing against the franchise that traded him away. I believe they traded him for a catcher. But he also— he first got that nickname when he was pitching for Team Canada, not in the World Baseball Classic like you see right here. Which he did do, and he struck out Cal Raleigh.

Tugboat, that spread.

He pitched for them in the Little League World Series, guys, and that was when he was given the nickname Tugboat. And he said it was because he did not move around the bases too quickly. As you can see what he looked like as a left-handed pitcher back then. He has made his way now to the major leagues. He debuts tonight. So whether you're taking Tony's advice and going with Parker Messick and the Guardians or you just want to watch Tugboat, if you have MLB TV, that is the game to watch tonight. Those two young left-handed pitchers against each other, Parker Messick and Matt Tugboat Wilkinson, as he makes his MLB debut. This guy is going to be everyone's favorite pitcher. I cannot believe I'm watching a throwback like him. I can't wait.

Let's bring Juju aboard here. Juju, good to see you. Do you have a top 5 for us here today?

Yes, sir, man. Watching y'all today made me think of a list, man. Who are the people who I just don't give a damn what role they are playing, I still see them as that son of a B who was in that other thing list? Let's go. No banter, straight into it.

Okay, cool.

Say less. I thought somebody was gonna be like, oh, that's a good thing. Oh well, I— Jason Isaacs.

Jeez.

Oh, Pete.

Oh yeah, exactly.

From, uh, White Lotus, right?

Exactly. The whole season on White Lotus. I didn't buy a second of it. That's Lucius Malfoy. That's right. That's right.

Thank you.

That is Malfoy.

It's a guy that killed Heath Ledger.

No, I'm so glad somebody finally said it.

Number 5.

I know what's going on.

Dennis. Dennis Haysbert. Jeez. Wow. Oh, that's right. Selling some Allstate insurance.

President Palmer.

Yeah, that's President Palmer.

No.

Who is he?

He's not President Palmer. He's the brother who cheated on his wife in Love and Basketball.

Oh, man. He was an NBA player, man. He played for the Clippers. He was balling out there. What you want for him?

Say no.

Hands.

And the Cleveland Indians.

We all— Yeah, come on. That's Pedro Serrano.

That's fine. That's fine.

It's fine.

Okay, Joe Boo, I do it myself.

Number 4, Christopher Wallace.

What?

Jeez. Pete, I'm talking about you can grow all the handlebar mustaches you want to, brother. You are the J-Hunter from Inglourious Basterds.

That's a bingo.

What a roll.

Clip it. Send it to Maze. Yo, not even Django? Django didn't save it for you?

Nah, brother, that one came first. The Ed came before the Django this time. Salute. Number 3, Javier Bardem.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, Pete.

Yes sir, man. That great scene right there in Dune was ruined because I was thinking, what's the brother from No Country for Old Men doing in the desert?

Anton Chigurh.

Call it.

I need to rewatch that one. Oh, that's a good movie. You—

that's all you—

every time you see him, that's all you see, bro.

Every single time. Even on the new show was Cape Fear. I'm like, look at this brother, he done cleaned himself up.

What'd you think of Cape Fear, Juju?

Flip a coin.

Yeah, it fell off the wagon. It started off okay, but I was like—

I was into it, and then all of a sudden around when the people start coming out of the walls. I was like, all right, I think I'm good.

Right. Number 2, my brother and yours, Ralph Fiennes.

Oh, Ralph Fiennes.

Yes, sir, man. You can put on the shelf. You can be, uh, what, at the monastery? It don't matter, brother. You are he who shall not be named. That's right. Lord Voldemort.

That's right.

That's who Lord Voldemort is.

Yep. And he has played, by the way, like, he has played— yeah, he's been in Schindler's List. He has been Voldemort. He has been in The Menu.

Who was he in Schindler's List?

He was one of the Nazi guards.

He was like the really sadistic.

Oh, yeah. So this guy better be very kind in real life or we're going to start having to ask some questions because, you know, he shall not be named.

Yes.

And the number one person, man, it don't matter what he put on, what movie. You can hate 10 things about him or not. Heath Ledger, man. No matter what he does, man, that's the Joker, bro. Jesus, Heath.

It's the guy that got killed by the dude from White Lotus.

He's the boyfriend in 10 Things I Hate About You.

I always think about the knight with the Nike swoosh logo on it. Remember that? What was that? Not Black Knight.

Knight's Tale.

Knight's Tale. There you go.

Definitely not Black Knight.

No, no.

The only other option here is 10 Things I Hate About You. That's the only other option. So to solely identify—

because he had a Nike swoosh on his armor again. and one of the worst product placements ever in the history of movies and TV.

And Brokeback Mountain.

Yes, sir.

Which I hate.

I wish I could quit you.

Juju, we have a bit of a game here to play, right? You bring in a Wednesday edition of Douche or No Douche for us?

Yeah, man. I saw some stuff online, man, that had these opinions and that opinion. So I figured I'd bring it to my brothers and get y'all opinion as well as judge that to see if these are douches or no douches. Video team, roll that beautiful brown footage. No pun intended. Oh my goodness. So my brother hanging on to his umbrella, he in line, and then the lady behind him making fun of him for not offering her his umbrella. Is my brother a douche or is no douche? Is she the damn douche?

She's the damn douche. Are they dating?

Does it look like they're dating? No, total strangers.

Total strangers?

Total strangers.

She's a douche and the person Recording the video like, oh, this would be cool if we just, uh, record this. Nah, they're both douches. The guy shooting the video and the woman.

I agree. If you're outside, if you don't know the person, if you're a man and you have an umbrella because it's raining and you're outside, are you just supposed to search everywhere for a woman that doesn't have an umbrella and give it to them? Like, I—

and I'm gonna get sick?

I—

yeah, because I got rained on.

In the words of Guy Torrey in Don't Be a Menace, N-word, I don't know you.

Yeah, I don't know you.

Like, why would I— why should I even offer anything?

Yeah, essentially means that a man cannot have an umbrella in the rain. It's just—

it's just— it's not even like, oh, sure, would be nice or gentlemanly if he did. She's like, look, yeah, like, get the fuck out of here.

You want me to take off my shirt and you can step on the puddle?

Yeah, man, this ain't— and by the way, back in those days, you know why they did that? Because they thought they were gonna get their ass out of it. Well, now we don't have that anymore. We all agree that is a terrible system to be doing that chivalry stuff was basically because they were all trying to get ass. We said, yo, it's not right. You can't, you can't expect ass out of stuff. Well, guess what? That stuff ain't happening no more. It should happen if you know each other, but if you don't know each other, no way.

Juju, I know we put up a bunch of poll questions today. Let's do some updating here.

Wait, Is it on me, bro?

I got one more.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I want another. Yes, all good.

My brother Usher, Usher Raymond, man, my boy, he, he all over the place right now, him and his concert with Chris Brown all over the world. But he was spotted leaving a place and he did this.

All right, we're seeing Usher walk down the hallway. The video is being shot from outside the doors. Got to the door, the lady open the door for him, and then he held it open for Usher to make someone then—

what?

What?

What?

How is this—

is this a real Usher?

Because yeah, there have been rumors that he's been cloned, right? Or just a—

yeah, or just a stunt double.

Like, there's got to be something to that. That doesn't make any sense.

Well, we just saw it's because the paparazzi are coming out, and so he needs to walk out So the paparazzi—

now, so he calls another man over to hold the door open. Now, a woman opens the door, just for the audio audience, a woman opens the door in front of him, holds it for him, he sticks out the hand to hold it and then lets her walk through but calls over another guy from across the room to hold the door open for him.

Hear me out here, guys. What if that's that guy's job and he was sleeping on the job?

The doorman?

Yeah.

No. No, yeah, Usher, you're right there.

There's a doorman.

Doorman.

Walk through the door.

There's a doorman.

Yeah, it's not the worst thing he's ever been through.

All right, let's get to some polls here, Juju.

Yes sir, man. I threw a couple up because the conversation was so juicy. I wanted the audience to chime in on these, man. Is Reuben Bain hazing the veterans? Yeah, 88% of the audience says yes, he is.

Beautiful balls.

Big poll, big poll. Should Zazz go see the Pearl Jam tribute show? 68% of the audience says yes, you should.

Beautiful balls.

Awesome.

All right. Yes, sir, man. Does everyone hate Caillou? 83% of the audience says yes, they do.

Beautiful balls.

17% said no.

And good audience, right? Should Gargamel have eaten the Smurfs or Azrael? 71% of the audience says The Smurfs.

Beautiful balls.

Did you know that LA was south of Sacramento? 86% of the audience says yes, they did.

Beautiful balls.

14% of y'all just failed geography, huh?

Whatever.

The last two polls, the most important two polls of the show. Which is the better theory? The 595 theory Or the Little League Theory? 75% of the audience says the Little League Theory.

Beautiful balls.

All right, that's what we expected. Now, will my theory about these theories be proven accurate? Juju, give me the last poll.

What's more profound, Amin's Little League Theory or Greg's 595 Theory? 56% of the audience says Amin's Little League Theory. And those are your polls.

Unbelievable.

So what conclusion do we draw?

They love the Little League Theory because it's Greg's. That's why.

Good job, Juju.

Yes, sir, buddy.