Transcript of "Robby Hoffman"

Welcome to Smartless! Please hold— Welcome to Smartless! Please hold— Welcome to Smartless! Please hold— Welcome to Smartless! Can I help you? Hello?! You there!? Hello?? Welcome to Smartless!

Smaaart Llusssssss... Smaaaart Llluuuussssssssssssssssssmarrrt Ttttteeeeeeesss. Speed.

Uh, Jason, where are you right now? It's Sunday.

The camera, Mark.

Oh, sorry. Oh God, he's got the lingo still, like, because he does it— you do it, you're still doing it 15 hours.

Second sticks on B.

This guy never quits.

He loves the lingo. Willie, how did you play?

Uh, I played okay. Played, uh, Yeah, played okay. Didn't get a full 9 in even because I had to— because we were doing this. I left Abe out there.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, it was all good. All good.

Is it as good as the gum? Is it as good as the gum?

I was just going to say, can you go—

what?

Go ahead, Sean. Yeah. And I was just— and can you turn your gum down?

Yeah. Yeah.

You want to know something crazy?

Yeah.

Okay, ready?

So last week, maybe, and JB, you forwarded Sean and both Sean and me this, the thing about from a couple of episodes ago where you asked me if I ever pooped in front of Amy.

Oh, yeah.

Page Six picked it up on a slow news day.

Everybody loves a good poop story, I guess.

And they're like, Jesus Christ. And then some of the headlines were ridiculous, right?

Just like trying to imply that. You shut me down and you're upset and I got too personal and too gross.

So then, so then Louis K., my trusty publicist, gets an email or a message from somebody at one of the rags.

Wanting to know if you want to comment, right?

No, even better. I won't. Who? One of the rags who will remain the National Enquirer. And they said, left a message asking if they're still around. They're going to run a story. That they've heard, in light of this story about the poop thing, that they've heard that there's a longstanding rift between you and me, JB, that has never come to the surface. And would we like to comment on it? And Louis and I laughed for 5 minutes straight.

And that there's aliens. There's aliens too. He's circling Bristol.

No, but just so people can understand how absurd this stuff is.

I know. I hope that people—

That they literally, out of whole cloth, I know, but I hope people—

I hope— I know, but I hope people find enjoyment, um, and pleasure and kind of fun from rags and tabloids and things like that, because I, I guess it is, you know, like the print media is struggling and they all— they need all forms of it to be, uh, kind of up and robust, I suppose. Uh, and so I don't wish, you know, the demise of any form of media, but, you know, I just hope people like read it right and kind of like get a smile while they're checking out their groceries and, you know, like, oh, look at that, that's probably true, but boy, that's a fun headline.

Yeah, I mean, it was so funny.

I think in the world we live in though, that's a good point, Jason Bateman, where I think with, with the lying, you don't know who to trust and which side to— I think people now look at headlines differently. I, I would hope so. I do. I, I, from 10 years ago, I'll look at something and be like, oh, that— I bet you I need to hear the other side of that. Yeah, you know.

Oh, oh, so we're gonna get right to your surprise guest.

We've had a lot of chiming in from the surprise. Fuck!

Come on, lose your dog, Sean.

Well, you guys are going to love our guest today.

Let's get her in here.

I know she's already here. I know she is. She's very— it's very exciting for me and for you guys. It's going to be great. She is the 7th of 10 children raised in a Hasidic household in Montreal where money was tight. Her mother took the kids to the library on the weekends.

Hasidic household in Montreal?

Yeah. You know my joke. When I meet a Hasidic Jew, I always want to meet the other side, the alkaline Jews. Thanks. Uh, she studied accounting and started doing stand-up while she was still in college. Later, she posed as a courier to hand-deliver her spec script to the president of HBO Canada. She went on to win an Emmy for her writing, and then John Mulaney directed her Netflix special, calling her one of the funniest people living. I agree wholeheartedly. Self-described as a 73-year-old man, it's the truly hilarious Robbie Hoffman.

No.

Hey, Robbie Hoffman!

Look at this.

No way the fellas me.

First of all, Robbie, you know I know you because we've met.

A fine, fine.

And you, Robbie, we had dinner. Robbie, we had dinner and I think you blacked out well before dessert got there, so I doubt you remember it.

Oh yeah, that sounds like me. And I— you don't think I would remember if I had dinner with the guy from Switch? Hey, huh? You don't think my whole family— when I tell you my family watched Switch? Like people watch like The Hangover movie or something.

It's like, that's not a family movie, that's about a guy swapping goo.

We love the movie. My mother's like, why don't we rent Switch again? You kids love that.

Jason, don't talk her out of it. They liked it, they enjoyed it.

It was originally called The Baster. Okay, did you know that?

Starring Jason Baster.

Yeah.

Well, the little kid, I don't know if he was ethnically Jewish or whatever, but he said something that we related to, but he said Your character explains him what hypochondria is, and he goes, "I think I have that." Yeah. And that was like, literally, like I was seeing— I'm like, "Oh my God." I know, I know. I think I have one. Anyway, you're amazing in every movie. And also, Jennifer Aniston, and we can cut whatever, does she know she's a lesbian icon? She might not know.

Is that true? I think she's an icon to everybody.

She is, but she's specifically Sean, and it's not this "not all men" thing that you need to get into off the top here, okay?

Right, right.

Yes, everybody loves her.

Can I gloat for a second on a similar subject? There was a moment there, and I think the boys know this, so I apologize if you've heard it before, that I thought that I was qualified as a gay icon when I found out from my attorney one day on a startling phone call that JasonBateman.com was a gay porn website.

This is right.

Gay porn hub website. So from JasonBateman.com, you could go to hundreds of gay porn sites. So I was like—

Stop selling us.

It's J-A-S-O-N. But yes, so I— but I was flattered for a flash there that I was like, oh, well, they could have picked any name.

By the way, I think you're a gay icon, but we know mostly men have a lot of gay icons. We know The Cher, we know Barbra Streisand, we know Jason Bateman. Nobody knows what the dykes are looking at, right?

Right.

Sure.

And Jennifer Aniston, we don't have that many. It's like, what are we looking at? Jennifer Aniston, it's all 'cause she wore a belt in the '90s, by the way, her credit. But you know, we don't need much, but you have a belt on and we're doing like, nobody's really thinking of us. So not that she even wants to be. One of the poorest communities that could be in New York. It's not like gay men, they go out, they buy tickets, they're gonna go see Lady Gaga. Like dykes are home with the cats. Like you don't make money off of us, but we respect you. And, and that's it.

That's it. By the way, might I add, Robbie, that you and I are dressed exactly the same today?

That's true.

Are we? Is this a gay thing?

Glasses, baseball hat.

I got a hoodie on too.

I was saying, wait, let me be gay. Sean dresses like a— let me be gay. Sean dresses like a college dude from 1998. Wait, Robbie, I didn't know you were from Montreal. I had no idea.

Well, I'm originally from New York, and then I grew up in Montreal. So you got the bio right, and both are true.

How about that? How about that?

What, what, what, what, what got, what, what got things up to Montreal?

My mother is from Montreal, so it's not— my mother, um, had 10 kids, joined a Hasidic cult, had 10 kids. I'm the 7th of that.

What got her kicked out of Williamsburg?

We were in Crown Heights.

All right.

Yeah.

And, uh, not even a giggle.

No, no, I'll work harder.

Um, Now, Robbie, where are you right now? Are you on tour?

No, I'm in my office slash gym. I got this type of— it's lats.

The pulldown.

Yeah, but I don't have any weights on the lats. My friend Dan is supposed to come over. Dan Donahue, if you listen to this pod, I don't know what weights this needs. He put this together and then he just— there's no weights on it.

What about some? Some would be good.

No, no, we need some sort of a stock. It's a specific—

Are you East Coast or West Coast?

I live in Los Angeles.

Oh, you do?

Okay.

All right, all right.

How do you like Los Angeles?

I like it a lot. I mean, you know, LA's a dump, New York's a shithole, but there's nowhere else to live, really.

Yeah.

What about Montreal?

No, no, no, no, it's freezing and there's nothing doing that.

You get out of there in the winter.

I'm just not going, Jason.

All right, stop pushing me now. Now, I love that you're a self-described 73-year-old man because I am kind of too. By the way, your special is so—

Robbie, you're so funny. You're so funny.

It's unreal.

I'm sold already. By the way, in 10 minutes, I'm sold.

Yeah. Where do you get your fearlessness from for All the stuff you talk about, your rant, which I would never go on about, about they/them. Yeah, is really funny.

But I don't think I'm fearless. I think I'm extremely afraid.

Oh, wow.

All of the time. Like, the difference is, is like I'm simultaneously extremely afraid and extremely confident. And I don't know why that is, but it's not like I say all these things or whatever. It's— it's— I'm thinking them, right? So it's not like I want to think them. It's like I have a joke about pedophilia. I wish I never knew what it was.

Right, right.

Okay.

I wish I never knew what it was. But now that I do, I have a thought about it. I didn't choose this thought.

Sure.

I didn't. So I'm telling you, but I am extremely afraid.

We can all agree that the subject is a horrible thing. But the way you talk about it—

I have questions.

You say about it. Yeah, you have questions, right?

I have funny questions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have questions. And, you know, so it's not that I'm fearless. I think I like wake up afraid. I'm always a little anxious, but just because I'm afraid doesn't mean I don't get to do something. It's kind of like I was afraid my whole life taking the bus, you know, the last bus home or something, you know, always looking, always looking, but I still have to get on the bus, right?

Right, right.

If I don't get on this bus, fuck, I'm going out. I gotta wait for the first bus, 5 in the morning. So, you know, it's just because I'm afraid That's probably where it comes from. I've been afraid my whole life, but I still had to do it.

So you want to attack those things because it scares you. And after you've attacked them— or not attack, I'm just saying, like, approach them or speak about them or joke about them— it probably is fulfilling in some way.

I don't want to. I wish I never had to do any of this.

Sure.

I feel—

What would you rather be doing?

Nothing. I'd love to do nothing.

Yeah.

When did you first realize that by joking about something, it became a little less scary?

It's always scary. I just live in fear.

Right, right. But when did it start? Were you like, as a little kid, was there like joking around the house?

Well, you grew up very religious, right? You mentioned that in the open. And then you mentioned about your mom, like you grew up very, very religious. I bet having a sense of humor about it, as Jason's saying, when you first have those first inclinations of thoughts that go against what you're involved in, that must have been scary.

Well, here's the thing. It's like nothing was off limits. My whole family is funny. My whole community is funny. I come from a funny people. Right. And it's just, it's brutal and funny at the same time, always. Yeah. So it could be, you know, it's never too soon. We didn't have these types of concepts. That's when I got into, you know, more normal white or rich spaces where they had this idea of too soon, too this, too that, too the other. We didn't have—

Really?

If it was funny, you threw it. If you bombed, your brother hit you, you know, shut up. What the fuck?

Right, right, right.

You were told on the spot.

Yeah.

Well, with 10 kids. It was immediate, all of the time.

And you're saying that's cultural, that wasn't unique to your family?

No, it was cultural. And yeah, we had a million cylinders flying all the time. Some people were crying, some people were laughing. It was always together. There was not ever neat lines. There was never a time and a place. Like these types of concepts of, well, it's not the time or it's too soon. That language didn't even enter.

What was the big comedic influence in the house? Was there a particular comic that you guys liked to all watch or movies or something like that?

We didn't really do that, but my mother was very funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We liked laughing at her mostly. My father was funny objectively, like just jokes and stuff, you know, saying, you know, I shower once a week whether I need to or not, or things like that. Um, but the whole family is funny, but the whole family was also brutal. There was, you know, I grew up, you know, everybody, we grew up poor and my brothers were fighting and there was a lot of physical abuse and toppling over each other. And I had 5 brothers and my mother couldn't pull my brothers apart. But there was also laughing. Like, I don't know, it was all together all the time. So it doesn't mean I'm not—

are you the only girl?

No, I have 4 sisters too.

Oh, do the math. Do the math. You did 10 totals. You have 5 brothers. What are you doing?

I, I didn't hold on to the top of the interview.

It's a lot, Jason.

I feel sorry.

It's so hard.

It's so hard.

He's still, he's still—

when you're that pretty a face, you don't have to do so much. Yeah, he doesn't have to listen. If he dips in, he dips in. Yeah, I have to catch everything. I gotta be on it. But if you're Jason Bateman You catch this, you catch that.

It's like, I love you so much.

Easy ride. It's been an easy ride since day one if you're Jason Bateman.

Hey, listen, very soft.

Listen, he's a sex— he's a gay sex symbol.

I'm a fucking icon. Hang on, a gay icon.

Wait, so I thought I was a gay icon, to be honest, because I played a couple gay characters.

Lady Gaga, Barbra Streisand, and Bateman.

Wow. I'm out. Hey, uh, Robbie, are you still close to your family?

Yes.

Yeah.

That's so nice.

That's so great. Yes. We're like the Kardashians, but Jewish and poor.

Right.

A lot of us are very close.

Well, I love— so I won't ask you to say jokes again, but as a fan, I have to repeat some of them because they're funny. And so when you said having money for the first time, you would go over somebody's house. This is so funny.

This is where you bait her into saying it wrong, and then she's going to correct you. Smart. Smart strategy.

That's okay.

Sean, do your impression of Robin.

I also give a pass.

Sean, do your impression of Robbie. Robbie, he does a great impression of you all the time. Do the whole thing.

Do it.

Yeah. So I went over to this guy's, you know, these people's house and I was like, no, um, antisemitism at 9:50 AM is just— Unbelievable.

Terrible.

Right. Well, I'm like, I come in here, I worked last night. They said 9:00 AM.

She comes in here on her time off on a Sunday, 9:00 AM.

Sunday, the Lord's day.

And Sean, you got to do this. Fuckin' what are you doing, dude?

So much work.

And then I gotta hear this auntie's, "Go on, Sean, finish it off." Sean, Sean, start with an "oi," you dick.

Here we go.

Oi, oi. No, that you— God, I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh yeah, that you, when you first started being around richer people with money, 'cause you come— I come from a very similar background than you. Big family, very poor. On top of each other. Irish Catholic. Irish Catholic.

Exactly the same.

I love Irish Catholic.

Yeah, it's the same. We all in the same shit. But anyway, you went over to this person's house to go swimming and they had towels. And that was mind-blowing to you.

You know whose house that was?

Whose?

It was Silverman's house.

Who's Silverman?

Sarah Silverman. Oh, wow.

That's funny.

So I left her because I always give Sarah Silverman a hard time because obviously I'm a lifelong fan. And then I love Jerry Seinfeld's comedians in cars getting coffee. And when he picks her up in a car, he picks her up at an apartment. And I'm going, I'm poor, I'm on fucking, you know, like, I'm like, she lives in an apartment? Like, I was horrified. I'm like, what's even the point of dreaming if you're Sarah Silverman? And you couldn't even get out. She's in the fucking apartment he picks her up. So I, when Sarah Silverman finally bought a house, and it's not even, it's a small house, but it's a house, I'll take it. I'm like, you're Sarah Silverman. "Right, we don't wanna see that you're in the fucking block with us." Right, right, right.

"We wanna dream." Right, and then when you went over there, the one line that made me laugh out loud, amongst many, was, "Towel." You said something about towels. I've never— I— The towel— Whatever towel you're born with is the towel you die with. I don't know new towels.

I never heard of new towels. 'Cause she said, "We just got new towels for the pool." I said, "New towels?" Right. Like, to me, a towel's built with the house. I don't know where they even came from. Like, I've never even—" Like, unless it's exfoliating your skin off, it's not drying you. Like this new fluffy towel.

By the way, there's nothing great about a new towel. A new towel ain't good until about 20 washes, and it gets all that film off of it.

Oh, hang on a second. It sounds like we got an expert here. Go ahead. I am.

It's actually a thing.

Wake up on Netflix.

By the way, Robbie, Robbie, you can't believe the towels and the bedding that Jason is involved with. Oh, it is of the highest level. No, it is. He is— I know how to create a thirsty towel.

You need a thirsty towel, okay?

Otherwise, you know what, I'm, I'm into that for Jason. Like, I don't want to go to Jason Bateman's house or drive by it and it's fucking— he's in 7D. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, like, I want it to be a gate.

I want to like—

oh, it's a gate. It's not like we want to dream. We want to see that the stars are living like stars. Something breaks for me if they're not. Right. Don't worry, don't worry, he's living—

he's, he's fulfilling all your fantasies. Hey, hey, East Hampton. Cool.

Yeah, he's in there. I love it.

He's in the— he's in the house. You too, Chuckles. Okay, up. Ernest Borgnine jerked off in every room in Jason's house. That's a true story.

Fantastic. That's what I want. I want these stories. That's Hollywood Babylon.

Okay, we'll be right back.

All right, back to the show.

Uh, but Robbie, you know, the same thing about what you said about, um like going to these people's houses. Because when Will Grace first started, and, you know, it be— I became this thing that people knew, and gay icon, and I was thrust into this world. Trust that, that—

no, I'm sure gay people hated him because gay men all want to be the funny one. So when there's actually a funny one, they're like, who does he think he is?

Yeah, is that true, Sean? Did you get— did you get backlash in the gay community, Sean? I—

no comment. Okay, but, um, but I always— but I started feeling like—

oh wait, backlash.

I didn't say backsplash. Keep going. Oh, bear backlash. How about that? Did you get any bear backlash?

Don't turn around. Don't look at me.

Don't turn around.

Don't you fucking look at me.

Jesus.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

So then I found— so I started living this life that I only read about, like, in magazines or whatever. And then I found myself inside this one mansion of this very wealthy person that we all know. And there's this butler there to greet me. And there's— you can't go upstairs, you can't go in this room, you can go in this room. And I heard you talking about a similar thing, right? A similar experience about how when you first, quote unquote, make it or whatever, you start that— that it's much more— it's much more ease and comfortability hanging out with people who don't have money because there's no rules with people who don't have money. And I loved when you talked about that.

Yeah. Like, I miss, like, you know, when you go to a rich person's house or something and you can't Like everything is like you're kind of standing around this like gargantuan island. It's like too big. Like the kitchen island has gone. I'm like, can we get close? Like, can we chat? Like, it's just you live at this gargantuan island. True. And you can't— you don't go in the fridge. The fridge is crazy. Yeah. And it's like you don't really like snack versus like, you know, when I would just go to somebody's apartment, it's like the house is a dump.

Right.

You know, the air conditioner is held on by a little thing and there's chips, there's Doritos. You can grab a Sprite. You can have— there's like, you know, there's like whiskey, right? Whatever. And you're just shitting on people. You're sitting there, you're shitting on everyone. I hate that bitch, right? That bitch could get fucked, right? And you're just chilling and the whole thing. And sometimes the neighbor and you go, fuck you. Well, fuck you. Like, nothing. Right. You're just— nothing. Chill. Like, it doesn't matter. Like, you finish your drink out, you did a spill, who cares? Right.

But then the opposite is like, you always feel like you're on— I don't know, some of you have to watch every move you make. You have to watch every glass where you set your glass.

Yeah.

And not to glorify being poor because it's horrible for everything else. Yeah. By the way, not worth it.

For the chill, but just the socializing. Just the socializing.

Rich over poor, even with the socializing. That said, there's certain things that we did better, right?

You know what you ought to do, Robbie? Consider this. You know, you're, you're, you're, uh, now sort of realizing your dream. Your, your special is huge. You're becoming a, you're becoming a comedic icon. How about that? Okay. Yeah, and it's true, and it's based on fucking unreal talent. What you got to do is when you build your dream house, your dream mansion, build out beautiful fucking towels, 6 sets of towels, sheets, fucking whatever. But the kitchen is a fucking wreck. The kitchen is a tiny little kitchen with a fucking table, shit fridge with Doritos and Sprite and whatever the fuck you want. A little stove, little electric stove with a coil.

You got a goat in the corner that you get your milk from. Yes. You know what I mean?

Just do that. The rest of the house is incredible. Yeah, right?

A goat. I actually think there's good legs to this. It's kind of like giving, like, the meme when Hillary Clinton Remember the meme of Hillary Clinton seeing like a working-class family's kitchen for the first time? It's one of the greatest things. I think it cost her everything. I think it was just that one picture where it's like, oh yeah, they're not like us.

By the way, you know, you know what you could do now that I'm really going— because you know what a lot of rich people do is they have two kitchens, right? That's very popular. Have you seen this?

No, this is new for me.

Please. So what they do is they have— so you go and they have the kitchen with the island and stuff and it looks great and beautiful. Yeah. And then, and then that's where everybody hangs out. And then behind they have the actual working kitchen. Sorry, Jason, what is it?

There's like a slave, Sean's there with a Is that where— is that what's going on?

Still, they have literally a working kitchen behind the kitchen, right? They have two, right? You could have your shit kitchen but behind have a real working kitchen that's beautiful and all the stuff. You could— it's like a set. And Jason is really hung up on—

he's still the goat in the corner.

If Jason doesn't have at least two kitchens, I'm quitting. Like, there's no point. I can't dream anymore. Like, if he doesn't have at least two kitchens, there's nothing left. Where, where are you?

Are you in between poor and rich, or are you firmly in rich now, or are you still—

no, I'm I think I'm like what a pretty successful dentist might make.

Okay, that's rich.

That's very good.

That's rich. It's extremely rich.

You got a pull-down machine behind you, for Christ's sake. Look at you.

No, I know. I got— once you get the weights, it's over for you. Bitches, once I get these weights on here and I get that V-shape going— You got the greenery behind you. You got greenery behind you and shit. This apartment, actually, I am in one of my dream— I— we rent this apartment, but the landlord is 93, and I am hoping we can rent it for 10 more years. We don't know if he's alive or what. We don't know. We haven't heard from him, and I try not to ask him for anything, but this is a dream situation. I live in a beautiful apartment. Yeah. Um, and I like an apartment. I think I'm a little safer. I have to work up to a house because I don't like that the door and then it's like street. I need either the gate thing, but then I'm like, I would never— like, what I thought about when I— with a house is like, let's say you want a glass of water, and maybe Jason— okay, so you're going downstairs. Like, what is the travel time?

It's, uh, it takes—

like, let's say you just want a cup of water. It takes a bit.

I got a CamelBak that gets from the, um, you do, do you have a mini fridge upstairs?

Are people doing the mini or is that—

when it's working, it's nice. So a long time ago, we, uh, I saw a scripted show called Unorthodox on Netflix, which if you haven't seen it, it's really, really great. Fantastic. It was amazing show. It's about— if you haven't seen it, it's great. It's about a woman who is trying to escape the traditions of, of being an Hasidic Jew and, and, and that, that culture and that lifestyle. And it's hard to get out because of the family dynamics because they keep pulling you back in.

And that's right, The Godfather.

Okay, keep going. So, so tell me what it was like growing up, because now that's the only reference I have for anything, because it's very educational for me inside the life of a, of a Hasidic family. What was it like growing up in that, knowing you were gay, and then coming out? I didn't know I was gay.

I had no idea. I wasn't a kid who knew anything like this. Yeah. Um, I didn't want to come about it. Uh, when I found out, when I, when I was like, oh, I'm like, I don't know.

How'd you find out? Was that, was it by mail?

No, I only found out like maybe at 17. There was this really weird Italian girl and she— Okay, slow down through here, please. Yeah, no, so what happened was I was at school and we would chat till like 5 in the morning. We would chat But then we had to sign up for gym. I'm 17, okay? So we had— for next semester, we had to do gyms. And I was like, I'm gonna try and get into badminton. I would always try and get like a very easy gym because I'm Jewish and not athletic. I was like, I heard golf is an easy A, so I'm gonna try and do golf. Okay, okay. Because the teacher, Beauchamp— I still remember his name— he apparently like, he just wants you to try. He loves golf. And so if you try, he gives you an A, like it's A for effort in his class. He just wants people to enjoy the game of golf. So I was like, I'm— but his class fills up because it's the easiest class, right? And she goes, well, I'm going to do— there's a camping intensive. Dyke. Okay. Camping seemed like the hardest gym you could do.

Like, like, yes, you didn't have to do gym every— okay. No Jew was even thinking to join the camping, like, camping intensive. Yeah, so you do your gym, it's one week, but your gym for the semester is done. Instead of going to golf once a week, or instead of going to badminton once a week— this is in public, uh, college in Montreal. They made you do a gym still in college, right? Right. This is what, CEGEP? CEGEP thing. Wow. Yeah. Okay, okay. So this is in CEGEP. So she was like, I'm doing camping. I'm like, is she demented? That's like the hardest gym you could do. Like What, a week? Like, I'd rather do badminton once a week. So then she starts talking to me and she goes, there's this bisexual or something on the trip. What if we share a tent? And she kisses me. And I go, what are you, fucking gay? I'm like, call the police. Like, what's wrong with you? Like, what is she doing? I'm like, this scenario blew me away. Like, I'm like, is this girl okay? Like, what do you mean if she tried to kiss you? Literally call the police.

Like, this is insane. You have to tell the teacher on this girl. Like, this is crazy, right? So I'm like, you gotta go to the teacher. Like, I don't know, I just get offline. I'm like, I'm going to bed, right? Then she starts talking to me. She's like, this camping trip's coming up. And then she tells me the girl— they did their camping intensive— the girl kissed her. I'm like, okay, this girl's fucking gay. I am not like, what a weird— I was the most homophobic person you could be. Sure. Okay. Because I probably knew about it, but I would test the waters. Like, I would ask my older sister, I'd say, what do you think about gay people? Because one of my sisters told me Rosie O'Donnell was gay. And I was like, that's impossible. She loves Tom Cruise. Right. Sure. Like, thinking like, she's like, she's a dyke. Wake up. Right. Like, and I just like didn't want to like But I asked one of my older sisters, a different sister, I said, what do you think about these gay people? Because Chaya says that Rosie O'Donnell's gay. And she's like, if God wanted gay people, he would have made Adam and Steve, right?

Sure, not Adam and Eve. And I said, wow, when she's right, she's right. That was facts.

Who was this, your mom? Your mom?

No, this was one of my older sisters. One of my sisters thought Rosie O'Donnell was gay, didn't give a shit about being religious. The other one was still quite religious and was like, if God wanted, right? And I was like, wow, she's so wise. Yeah, like she hit me, right, right, with an indisputable fact.

Sure.

But then what happened? But then, then how did you—

this girl, she— and you know, she was persistent. She wore me down. The camper. Camper. Okay. My father was going to send me. I had no money, and I, out of nowhere, I, I really tried to reach out to my father if he could send me— I was living on my own, I was 17, I was in school and working full-time, but I needed like $200 for the semester or I couldn't even— it was a public college, but I think it at least costed $200. And he, my father, somehow came through with $200. My father's like, it's going to be at Western Union. And I'm like, I can't believe my father's sending me money. He's broke. First of all, nobody had money. So, but I was like, it really meant a lot to me that he was like doing this lifelong sending me $200. And she was like, I know where the Western Union is. Uh-oh. What? Because I never heard of it. I didn't really know how to get the money. She walked me all the way there.

Did she yell this to you from an open car window?

No, literally. We walked. We talked for 8 hours. I wrote her name in Hebrew letters. She was interested in my background. And it was something different than a friend. And then the year we were graduating, It was the end of the semester now, and our teacher was throwing like, you know, uh, an end of the year— everybody could exchange numbers, everybody could, you know, he wanted us to like get together in the summer and share what we're reading and all this stuff.

This is Beauchamp.

No, but, and by the way, Beauchamp was huge. What's that? And he just stood there, teacher, and you went one by one. He taught you how to swing, and that was the end of the class. It was— I got into golf and it was worth everything. Yeah, so that's— if Beauchamp is still teaching at Dawson, take his class. Sure. It's, it's like an hour meditation. There's nothing even to do. He doesn't care if you're good at it.

It's a guaranteed A. It's a guaranteed A.

It's a, it's an easy A. So yeah, so at the end of the year, we go to this bar, this student bar, that the teacher was gonna buy maybe 2 pitchers or whatever. Again, we're like 18 now, 17, 18. Montreal, so keep in mind this is not like a US they don't like alcohol. Like, everybody drinks from 14 there. It's not like a thing, right? So, um, and we go, and she goes, what if— she goes, the night before, we're chatting till like 4 in the morning, and she goes, what if I kissed you? She tells me this, and I'm like, what are you, fucking gay? I block delete her. Yeah, there you go. Block delete. She's out of my life. That's it. Yeah. We go to the end of the summer— or, sorry, beginning— uh, end of the semester. Hang at the bar the afternoon, like San Cassette, 5 to 7. I go to the bathroom, she goes to the bathroom. First of all, it's a huge place, but I don't even know. She gets in the stall, I get in the stall, and she just kisses me. And I right away—

she followed you into the stall?

Yeah, she's a predator. It happens both sides. We forget, we forget.

You say, you say So she kissed you, then you kissed her back?

Yeah, and I remember touching her stomach and I was like, "Wow, you have abs." That's the first thing I ever said. Wow. Sure. But I didn't know of abs really, but I was like, "Oh, this is abs." Right, right. And that was it. And then I was gay secret. But I never thought about being gay my whole life. I really didn't think of anything but not being poor.

And then how did that go over with the folks?

Well, my father is still Hasidic. I have no relationship with him, so I don't know. He wrote me— he heard about it and he wrote me one email. This is not befitting behavior for a daughter of Israel. Okay, so that was that. Yeah, okay. And I'm not Israeli or anything, but I think he's, he's talking more biblically. Israel is the Jewish people, right? Oh no, he said this— the behavior is promiscuous. And not be fitting. And I only had one girlfriend. I really was not promiscuous, so I resented that. Yeah, I was not like a hoe. No, I was monogamous, right? And even if I wanted to be a hoe, so be it. But anyway, who cares, right? Exactly. Um, and then my mother didn't know. By this point, my family was not that religious, and I was also a little more removed by my family. I came back to— like, I was living on my own. I was like not living in my mother's house, like my big world was my social world. Yeah. Like it was about friends, it was about this. And they thought it was weird. They didn't take it well.

Oh, really? Yeah. Even though gay was still a thing and we weren't as religious, they were still conservative. I still like— Right. The community I then became a part of was like, yes, not as fanatic as we were, but still conservative. Okay. Yeah.

We'll be right back.

And now back to the show.

Great. So this is a good segue to talk about Gabby, your wife Gabby. Now, I don't know that these two know anything about your wife. Maybe they do, but it's such a fascinating story. Gabby Windy was the Bachelorette on the show Bachelorette. And so— and then you ended up with her, which is such a great—

she had 20— my wife had 25 boyfriends 4 years ago, and I got the final fucking rose in the end. Yeah. All right.

Isn't that wild?

It's such a great story. How did that happen?

I don't know, and I have nothing— when the fellas— because I told her not to come out. I had such a brutal story, you know. I said— because she said she's gonna think about coming out. I'm like, I don't think we need to do that anymore.

Uh-huh. I said, just— wait, wait, was she— was she gay when she was on the show?

So she was always— and I, I won't fully speak to her, but I will a little bit— she wasn't always like, um She was unsure. She was one of those girls like, right, she had had— she's repressed. Like, when she was younger, she had gay thoughts, but her parents were so anti that she just— and she could go the other way, she could go with dudes, so she just did that. Um, and I think the way she describes it was, first of all, if you're hot and you can get onto The Bachelor as a contestant, she typically tells girls, do it. She was a nurse, an ICU nurse. For years. Um, and for her being on The Bachelor first as a contestant, yeah, was like— she's like, you go on one date with the dude once a week, and then the rest of the week you're like in Portugal with all these girls, right, hanging out, right? Like it's a free European— like, right? She's like, they take you everywhere. You have one shooting day a week. Yeah. And it's like a paid-for amazing vacation. She got to see— but then she got chosen as the Bachelorette, right?

Now she's the girl with the 25 dudes. So then you're working a lot. You're going on a day-to-day or whatever. And I think as it started to dwindle down, she was like, "I don't think any of these." Right, right, right. She was getting more pressure.

And did you know her during that time, or did you meet her after the show?

I met her after the show, but I did watch the end of her season without knowing it was her. When I met her, of course, she's not in the gown, and, you know, it's a very different—

How did you guys meet? Was it like an industry function, or is it just like—

No, we met outside.

Just like out in the wilderness? Yeah, yeah, we met just outside.

I was camping trip. No, could you imagine? We met, um, we met, uh, I was meeting a friend after. I miss a lot of evenings because I do stand-up, so I, I, I miss a lot of dinners and stuff like that. But there was some type of an event and I was going to meet my friend after I had stand-up. And I went to go meet her maybe around 10 PM and we split a beer And by the time we were leaving, we were on the sidewalk waiting for our Ubers. Gab was there. There wasn't many people there, but she was there with her friends. And that's how we met. She was waiting for her Uber. Oh, wow.

And this is in LA or New York?

LA. And you're like, hey, you want to hang out sometime or have a dinner or whatever?

No. So at first I get spotted, which is very new for me. But a dyke like me, like a more boyish one, was like looking at me, looking at me. And I'm like, oh no, we gotta go. I told my friend Rox, I'm like, I'm not gay like that, you know what I mean? I'm like, okay, nothing wrong. People get mad at me, I'm joking. I don't mind mask for mask. I'm not mask for mask. Do what you want, it doesn't matter. Sure. So she comes up to me and I think she's hitting on me, and you know, I gotta— because that to me is really gay. Like, I'm gay, but there's like a boy one, there's a girl one, it kind of works. Again, if I was mask for mask, I'm like, oh bitch, you're gay.

Wait, wait, sorry, what was the phrase? Nothing wrong.

Nothing wrong. I want to know that phrase.

What is that phrase? Mask from mask? Masculine.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, masculine.

It's like masc and femme. Thank you. Okay, got it. So this butch comes and I think she's going to hit on me. I'm like, okay, I'm not really in the mood. But she goes, oh, I know your comedy. She goes, I know your comedy. And she spotted me for my comedy, which is very new for me to happen. And I'm like, Baruch Hashem, because I don't really get spotted, but I was spotted at the perfect moment. It's kind of like somebody catches you doing a good deed. I was once caught giving a $20 to a homeless. Is that amazing? It never happens. You know what I mean? It's like you never get caught in a good deed. It's not like you need, but when it happens, you go, see? See? Yeah, right. I'm nice. But it's excellent. So it was one of these moments where I get spotted, but it's not just me alone in the wilderness. There's a hot, amazing girl right there, right, who could hear this potentially, and this could be impressive to such a person. So I go, oh, I start, you know, talk— you know, when you talk loud to other people to hear, I go, I'll go, oh yeah, that is a great bit, you know.

Oh, you know, I started getting in for her to hear. And then I go, well, never mind you, who are you with? And she was with Gabby. And she goes, oh, this Gab, you know, The Bachelor. I was like, The Bachelor's gay? I don't know, maybe they're making a gay Bachelor. I have no idea what they're doing anymore. And she goes, "Oh, no, she's exploring." And I go, "What are you, Dora the Explorer? You're 30 years old.

Who's exploring anymore?" Right, right, right.

You know? You know you're at this place with all these dykes. It's like a dykey bar and whatever. So, um, yeah, so she— So, and we really— Our banter right away was excellent. Excellent. And, you know, so how long you guys been together now?

4 years.

Oh, that's great. And got married last year?

Yes, we did.

Yes. And you got— and you got married in Vegas for $799? Yes, we did. And tell me what, what that included.

It included a limousine, it included the Reverend, Reverend Nature, and it included Nathan the photographer.

All right, wait, sorry, you said Reverend? That's not a rabbi?

Well, she's not anything. She works in Vegas. Okay, sure. Okay. She's like a, a, a, a— what is it called? Like, like an officiant. An officiant, but you know, not denomination.

So you didn't want to have it— you didn't want to have a religious— yeah, it's adjacent. Well, we can't.

We're lesbians anyway. Oh, right, right. At that point, really, like, what are we doing? I know some people ask me, like, is it important for you to marry Jewish? I'm like, what are we doing, Phyllis? Yeah, yeah.

I'm like Can we— Just trying to keep track. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Let me just say this. Let me ask you this. So somehow, you burst onto the scene. And I say burst because it feels like you just all of a sudden were just this incredible comedian out of nowhere. Honestly, I feel that way. From the first time I saw you, I was like, "Who the fuck is this?" So good. And Sean mentioned in the intro that Mulaney kind of had a lot to do with giving you, helping you. Is that true? How did that come about? What's that story?

Yeah, he said, he said no one's owned— not you.

I want to hear from—

I know, but this will set her up. No one's owned the stage like you since James Brown, which I thought was great.

Well, thank you, fellas. Robbie, how did it happen? It happened out of nowhere, just like that. He, he texted me. I can read the text. Nobody— this is an exclusive. Bring it up.

Where did he see you? Where, where was this?

He, he— I don't know what he saw, but, but he was sent to me out of thin air. To help me. He threw his weight behind me. I mean, I was known to comedians. I'm a com— like, comedians do— sure— watch me. Yeah. And, um, I'm not somebody like— I'm not very online. I don't post my clips or anything like that. So to see me, you really have to see me. And, um, I guess he had. And, you know, I've had people listen to— Jon Hamm has come to shows like People who like stand-up.

Old hambone got in there. I'm just saying. Read the text. So what did Mulaney—

what did the text say? So he knew of me and I was doing well, but very like low-key still. He goes, hi Robbie, this is John Mulaney. Dan gave me your number. I hope that's okay. A Dan that we know, a comedian. I have been a big fan of your work for a while and really enjoyed you on WTF. I know you have various things going on, but if you'd ever want to talk about doing a special for Netflix, I make them and would be very excited to work with you on one. I think you're touring now, so maybe it's something you're eyeing. I'm around and happy to talk whenever. Okay, happy Sunday. That's really nice. And I go, which Dan? JK, I don't care either way. And I go, I mean, yes, of course, this has been my next dream move. You'd be a terrific help in making this happen. From John Mulaney, it's Robbie Hoffman. My God, that sounds great. Yeah, that's great. Hope this text is okay, as I really didn't know what to write back. As you can imagine, it's very shocking, horrifying, and anxiety-inducing, surreal and thrilling for someone like me to receive a text like this from someone like you.

But yes, I would love to talk and work on a Netflix special with you. Wow. And we got it, we got it done.

Wow, we got it done.

That's really cool. That's fucking dope. That's pretty great. That's really, really good.

He decided to throw his weight. He had this deal with them, and he has good taste.

Yeah, he's a funny dude.

And he just let me— like, I wasn't going to let anyone— like, he did all the production stuff and the stage and directing, and this camera is going to be here and this camera. And I was like, John, I will show up with the greatest hour of stand-up. It's so funny. If you ask me to— like, I'm going to do what I do amazing. And I will not— and he did his shit amazing. I didn't have to worry about anything. He's like, we're going to capture all of it.

Did you just shoot one show or did you take the best from a couple?

We had two in one night. That's great. And we knew after the first one we got it so I could just dance the second one. After that first hour, I go, wow. And I don't say this, you know, I mean it objectively. I said, I think it's one of the greatest specials. Recorded in recent— we haven't had a stand-up, and I know it's mine, but I would say, listen, I've done plays early on where I'm like, you don't have to see that play. I'm telling you, it's not good. I don't care because I'm in it that I would recommend it or something like that. Objectively speaking, it is one of the greatest stand-up specials. I think that's why it's getting, you know, it happens to be mine. Sometimes I look at it and I go, oh my, I can't believe I did that because it is so scary. But really funny tonight.

I'll watch it tonight. Okay.

Thank you, Jason. So, yeah, it's just I knew that I wasn't gonna let him down. He didn't let me down. He threw his weight. You don't see that a lot. He's just— I never thought a guy buttoned up like that, he wears a suit, classy, would fuck with somebody like me. I'm a little grittier and whatever. And what even am I? But we kind of had this Eminem-Dido collab. It was like the collab that you didn't know you needed. Eminem-Dido. Who's Eminem? Who's Dido? We don't know. But it was like a Batman and Robin. It was like it worked out. It was like a great collab.

Are you allowing yourself to dream beyond next year, 5 years, 10 years? Where do you— where would you like to see yourself go?

Nobody dreams bigger than me. Nobody dreams bigger than me.

So what are some of those dreams, Robbie? Just everything.

I mean, I'm living part of the dream already. Truly, in that I get to— this is realizing, like, getting to do this every day. Like, part of the dream was not waking up to an alarm clock, right? And for your podcast, I had to because it's 9 o'clock. For a comedian, it's brutal. But part of the dream is I don't wake up and dread going to work. Yeah, like, that is over. And I never get over that being over. The day in and the day out of the dream is being achieved, but it's just It's keeping everything, whatever I want.

You're developing a show at HBO, unentitled, which is great. You'll be writing it, executive producing it, starring in it. That's pretty huge and cool and dreamy. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. And tell me one— this is the last question I'll ask you because we've kept you too long. What's one completely normal thing you just hate doing now that you've kind of, you know, are having— are enjoying some success? Mine? Is I hate stopping for gas because that's why I got an electric car. I don't like dishes or laundry, but the biggest thing I hate doing is pumping gas. Okay. I like it.

I like to look at people. I'm like a very nosy. I like to see cars that people have. Yeah, I like nice cars. I love— I go in a window, I look inside. I'm a very big car person. Right. Something I hate doing. What about you, Will and Jason?

Oh, no. What's your dream car? I want to hear.

I'm in my dream car. It's a 911. Are you really? Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm in my dream car. I bought it used. Here's how I did my cars. My first car was $3,600. I sold it for $6,000. I've never bought a depreciating car. I bought a 1983 Toyota Corolla, which became collectible after COVID. It looks like the DeLorean. This is Toyota Corolla. It's 1983. Look it up. It's called the liftback. Yep. I bought it for $3,600 cash, sold it for $6,000. Unheard of. That $6,000, I bought my first Porsche. Porsche I always wanted because we grew up poor, but my father always loved Porsche. And at a certain point when, when his whole family fell apart, instead of giving us child support, he scrambled together $5,000, $6,000 to buy himself an old— it's like a 944, one of these weird Porsche models, super cheap. He got for like $5,000 and he sent us a picture in it. Like, like to my mother, like, see what you're giving up? Like, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? And we got that picture and I thought he was a deadbeat, but I thought it was pretty cool also.

Both were true. And I, and, and even though I don't have a relationship with my father now, in a way I get to have a relationship with him in the ways that I'm like him. Obviously it's not ideal. I would love to have a relationship with both my parents, but I see myself in the re— I see his eyes in my eyes and When I'm in the car, I always think of him. This is the car he want. I get to enjoy kind of a relationship with him. Again, not ideal, but it's not nothing either. And it's very, it's not even like I'm a car person generally. It's just Porsche because that's all I heard about from him. Yeah. So I always, so then when I sold that car for $6,000, I got a Cayman, which I find is abysmal for $13,000. But you know, so minus the $6,000, so $7,000. And then I sold that one for $18,000, and I just got into my dream 2001 911 996, black tan interior, thing, Californication, exact. And, and, and for, for— it was $28,000 minus the $18,000, $10,000, and I am in my dream car. And every day is a dream.

Atta girl!

Wow, isn't that amazing?

Wow, Jason's had 100 Porsches. Oh really?

Oh my God, Jason, I would love to— if we ever make— I would love to love— I know, I love— I love it.

One a week.

One a week. He'd have one a week.

He'd buy one a week and he'd throw it out. He'd drive it off a cliff. You listen to him.

Thank you for being here. This has been a dream for us and for me.

I've always wanted to meet you. I could do another hour.

I know, me too. You're intoxicating.

I love you guys. You're unbelievable.

We're gonna come over, we're gonna blast back and buys, uh, next week, and then we'll do— we'll do legs and tries, uh, the week after that.

Okay, I can't wait. I have felt very annoying on this pod just the last— but it's only because I'm very intimidated by all of you. I've been able to keep it together. You're incredible. I really love all of you guys, and when I'm chatty and a little bit annoying, it's And it's just because of that. I'm trying to keep up.

You're one of our better guests.

I know, but I love you guys. I really am such a fan.

I know, Robbie. I'm so stoked for your success because you're so legit funny all the time. It is exciting watching somebody like you just absolutely skyrocket. It's amazing. It's fun to watch. And you may see us out in the audience. You deserve all of it. Thank you so much, guys.

I really appreciate it. Yeah. I'm watching you tonight. Okay, Jason, please report back through People. You don't have to do it personal. I'm going to send notes. If any of these people can throw me an email.

All right. Thank you. All right. Thanks, Robbie. Bye, Robbie. Thank you. Bye, guys.

God, she's funny, man. What a hilarious—

what a talent.

Well, you know, I, I'd like a couple of more stand-ups on this, huh? Yeah, that's a nice guest there. It's a real nice—

yeah, I can't wait for you to see it, Jason, the special, uh, Wake Up. Uh, it's really funny. I feel like, you know, You know, when stand-ups come out of, not nowhere, but kind of nowhere, and people are just discovering who she is now, with a voice like that, you're like, "Wait, who's that?" Yeah, yeah, yeah. She is fearless when she talks about all of these topics, you know. I can't wait.

And we— I think that's, uh, all that sort of humor is sort of gently coming back into society, and I think that that is not a terrible thing.

I like the way that she just talked. She talked about growing up and saying that in her family, it's like, if it was funny, then that trumped everything. As long as it's funny and that it's a joke in the service of just a joke, then that's— you know, that was the thing that mattered in her— and yeah.

And I love that with you, and you can find these— there's all these specials, what, there's something like once a week almost on Netflix, right? Or these people are getting sort of discovered and launched, and Mulaney's shooting a lot of those?

Is that what you're saying? Yeah, remember Nikki Glaser too, like— It just takes one thing and then you're like, "Pew!" Right. Awesome. But, and all the car talk, you know, I love all the car talk. I mean, I love it when you can feel him.

He just pulls the car into the fork, then takes the right.

It doesn't matter what you're driving as long as it gets you there. Right. As long as you're happy driving it. Sure, sure. You know, that happiness, that's something money can't buy. Bye!

Bye! Smartless. Smartless. Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Michael Grant Terry, Rob Armcharve, and Bennett Barbeco. Smart. Less.