Transcript of Stavros Halkias, The Clippers Go To Jail, Mt Rushmore Duel, CFB Week 1 + Fyre Fest

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. At Boar's Head, we've been going back to school for over 115 years, and this year every school lunch is reason to celebrate with the flavors your kids love and the exceptional quality you expect. Helping you make school lunch fresh, Easy and delicious. Ring the bell. The deli is open. Boar's Head, committed to craft since 1905. On today's Pardon My Take presented by DraftKings, we've got our good friend Stavi in the building, in studio. Stavros Halkias. He has a new special coming out on Tuesday, September 8th on Netflix. Please watch. Great to catch up with him. Talk about everything that's going on. Talk about how ridiculous this life is that we, we shared some funny moments of him just becoming a legitimate star, us writing a book, just all of it. Very fun. We're going to talk about the Clippers being dead. We're going to do the duel, Mount Rushmore duel between Zach and Hank.

Do, do, do.

College football week 1 is here. We, during Fyre Fest, which I'm sure you're going to want to listen to Fyre Fest because we might be talking some recap from the grudge match that happened on Wednesday.

It's going to be a pretty contentious show, honestly, because we're grudged.

We're still grudging. We will—

we—

so we put out the Mount Rushmore poll. So we'll recap Mount Rushmore season during Fyre Fest as well. And it's all brought to you by our friends at BodyArmor. This episode is brought to you by BodyArmor Flash IV. Flash IV is packed with electrolytes. Delivering faster, longer-lasting hydration without any artificial dyes, flavors, or sweeteners. Whether you're training, traveling, or just feeling the heat, or cheering on your team— or I'm going off script— if you're traveling, we've been traveling a bunch, you wake up the next day, feel a little like slow, feel a little dehydrated. Planes can dehydrate you. You get the BodyArmor Flash IV, you feel good. So go get a BodyArmor Flash IV today. Like I said, packed with electrolytes, delivering faster, longer-lasting hydration without any artificial dyes, flavors, or sweeteners. That's BodyArmor Flash IV. Work hard and hydrate hard with BodyArmor Flash IV. Grab it at a 7-Eleven today. Okay, let's go. Hey, fuck Bob Dye.

But Dino.

A.W.

Harris.

Bart and Mike take.

Yeah, Bart and Mike take. Yeah, Barnum Might Take.

Yeah, Barnum Might Take.

Yeah, Barnum Might Take.

Welcome to Barnum Might Take presented by DraftKings. The crown is yours. Today is Friday, September 4th, and the Los Angeles Clippers are dead.

Death penalty.

Death penalty.

Death penalty plus. Yes, the zombie Clippers. They have found that the responsibility for the Kawhi Leonard fake tree deal and numerous other fake advertising deals that were designed to circumvent the cap are the direct responsibility of Steve Ballmer as well as Lawrence Frank.

Yep.

The entire Clippers are paying a severe punishment. They're taking away 5 first-round picks.

Yeah.

So 2029, 2030, '31, '32, '33, and then also a fine of $30 million to Steve Ballmer. Steve Ballmer suspended for a year. Lawrence Frank is suspended for, I think, 6 months. Is that right? And then Kawhi has to pay $700,000 in restitution for improper benefits. And Uncle Dennis is now done.

Yeah. Sorry, Uncle Dennis, by the way. I mean, I guess his only job was to get Kawhi paid.

Yeah.

Consider it mission accomplished.

Oh, I read some of those texts and email exchanges. Uncle Dennis, he was— when he was just like, I will burn this whole thing to the ground.

We should all want to have an Uncle Dennis in our lives.

Yeah. The big winner of this though, Pablo Torre, friend of the program. He was right through and through. He started this entire thing. There were a lot of people who thought that he was wrong. He ended up being right all the way through. And it's crazy because the biggest loser is not Steve Ballmer and it's not Lawrence Frank and it's not Kawhi. I think the biggest loser is Clippers fans. They get screwed in this. Their owner and general manager do illegal things according to the NBA. And what is the punishment? Your team is now going to be in hell and suck for an extended period of time. That sucks for Clippers fans like that. It feels like the punishment should have been Steve Ballmer, you have to sell the Clippers or something like that. Not, hey, Clippers fans, guess what? You have no future for the next 5 years.

I think the punishment should have been that Steve Ballmer has to go out there and actually plant 50 million trees.

That would have been nice too.

Maybe like for every million trees he plants, then he gets, I don't know, $1 million off of his fine.

What about Steve Ballmer has to just get super high? Yeah, smoke a bunch of trees.

I mean, can you imagine how much he'd sweat?

Oh my God.

If he just got like anxiety level high.

A live cam of every single NBA— every single NBA game in the 2026-27 season. Steve Ballmer has to be like gravity bong level high. and we have just a picture and a picture of Steve Ballmer freaking out in the corner. That would be a fair punishment.

And he—

maybe he has to watch Steve Ballmer videos while he's super high where he's screaming, developers, developers, developers, developers. Probably trip you out even more if you were high. Now, I do think—

do you agree, though, with my take that the losers are the Clippers fans?

I think the Clippers fans are the biggest losers. I think Ballmer also a pretty big loser in the end of this. Also ESPN kind of a big loser because Oh yeah. They put out a report last week saying that the NBA had, had concluded its investigation and not found any wrongdoing. And so just expect everything to kind of be brushed under the rug. They did have multiple sources in that article. I think what happened, the NBA did a very good job with the investigation and the NBA did not let the Clippers think that they were in any trouble until the final report came out. after the fact. So they probably did. I don't know if you watch any interrogation videos on YouTube, Big Cat. Yeah, I watch a lot of them. They probably did the Reid technique on them, which is you tell them you minimize the crime they committed. You're like, listen, every, every team in the league is doing the same thing. So we're actually not after you. We're after all the other teams. So if you say it was like, what, $30 million from Aspiration, that's small potatoes. We don't really care about that.

Tell us what else you did so we know what else to look for.

Yeah.

The Clippers were like, this is awesome. Sounds like we're not in trouble. And then Adam Silver leaves the room. He's like, I nailed them. Yeah, I nailed those fuckers.

I nailed them. So, yeah, you're right on that. Like, ESPN is definitely a loser in this because their report was just flat out wrong. And that was also the period of time when everyone was dunking on Pablo and being like, hey, you were wrong. This was nothing.

Yeah.

Turns out it was a lot of things.

I think, I think it was the Clippers telling Pablo, like, Yeah, we're not in any trouble. And then the actual NBA would not comment on it until after that article came out and they said, we disagree with everything that was in this report.

Yeah. The other losers in this— Steve Ballmer is, is a loser in the fact that he went on national television with Ramona Shelburne a year ago and like denied everything to a level that was somewhat convincing, like, hey, You know what? Maybe he's the owner. He doesn't know exactly what's going on. He's not meddling. And then the evidence came out and it was like, no, no, he knows exactly what's going on. And he was meddling. And so he looks like an absolute idiot for that.

So many—

same with Mark Cuban. Look, we've had Mark Cuban on the show. I like Mark Cuban, but he went like scorched earth to defend his billionaire brother.

The Brotherhood.

Yeah, the Brotherhood of Billionaires. Yeah, he looks stupid. I have a winner for you that is Not nothing to do with the NBA.

You ready for it?

Deshaun Watson.

Go on.

Kawhi Leonard is now the worst trade or the worst acquisition of all time in sports.

10 first-round picks.

10 first-round. So this is what the Clippers, the Clippers used to get Kawhi Leonard. Now, given that he's been, he's cost them 5 future picks. The Clippers used the 2021 first-round pick, the 2022 first-round pick, 23 first-round pick, 24 first-round pick swap. Yeah, 2 23 picks, by the way. 24 first-round pick, 25 pick swap, 26 pick, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33. Those are all part of this punishment. SGA, ever heard of them?

Mm-hmm.

And then $30 million fine and suspensions for everyone involved. All for Kawhi Leonard to win 0 rings, 47 games played, average 47 games played in his 7 seasons with the, with the LA Clippers.

Yeah.

And I think what was the farthest they went? Did they go to a conference title in the bubble?

They went to the Western Conference Finals.

In the bubble. So that is the worst player acquisition of all time, given everything that you lay it out. Like you, I don't— what could be worse?

10 first-round picks.

It's a decade of first-round picks plus The 2-time MVP, plus your owner gets suspended for a year.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Kawhi just gets to go back to the most protected, like the place where he is the biggest, you know, has the most fans because he won a championship there.

Yeah.

Kawhi's statement that he put out today was, was all time. It was essentially like, I failed. I personally failed because my family did some stuff that I was not aware of. And I love my family. Thank you, Kawhi Leonard. Yeah, like $700,000 or that's what it was, right?

$700,000.

That's nothing to Kawhi Leonard considering how much he's gotten.

It's like half a tree.

That's— yeah, that'll be fine. I'd like to see him and Ballmer actually team up and plant some of these fucking trees.

It would be nice.

You can't just— you can't just— that's to me is the worst part is how many years did they take off the future of the entire planet? Yeah. By not planting those trees.

Shout out, by the way, Uncle Dennis, all-time fall guy. Because Kawhi is going to get traded. Because now I don't know if the trade is actually like completed because they're waiting for this. But now the Clippers, there's no reason for them not to do this trade because they could get first round picks from the Raptors.

Yes. Yeah.

I also saw someone threw it out there. I don't think so. Adam Silver, this is— he's— it's funny that he's flexed his muscles a couple of times. And 2 of the most notable times have just been the Clippers expense because it was Donald Sterling having to sell. Someone online threw out the idea.

I can't find—

I'm going to try to find it.

I think I might have the same one. Is it related to the Cup?

Yeah, the— yeah.

Henry the Blazin'.

Henry the Blazin' said that if the NBA was smart, they would put these 5 picks up for the winner of the NBA Cup, which would be fantastic. And you'd also add in the element of the Clippers potentially being able to win back their own pick.

Yep.

That— why not?

Why not?

NBA, do it.

Yeah, this is— it is a real death penalty for the Clippers. And it's not just because they're taking away their first-round picks, which might be, you know, maybe top 10, maybe outside the top 10, not sure things.

Yeah.

But it's also that they don't have any picks to trade with.

Yeah.

So it's going to be almost impossible for them to acquire players via trade.

No, they're in hell.

It's, it's, it's going to be impossible to convince players to go there as a free agent. It is, uh, yeah, just as bad as death penalty. In fact, I was saying it might— this might be too harsh of a penalty just because how else are the Clippers going to be able to get good players besides circumventing the cap even harder?

Yeah.

This might actually just convince them—

They have to be even more bad boys.

We gotta keep doing this, except we just gotta not get caught. They might be pushing another sneaky winner. I mean, this might be dumb the way— I mean, you said Deshaun Watson, that kind of convinced me he's a winner in this.

Yeah, because when you think of like worst player acquisitions, Deshaun was the name and now it's going to be Kawhi.

Maybe, just maybe, the Major League Baseball Players Association, because maybe Rob Manfred is watching this and he's like, wait, so if I put a salary cap in, that means I'm going to have to investigate teams and do a lot of legwork and legal, you know, interviews with people to make sure that teams aren't circling. I'm going to have to enforce this rule.

Or the opposite. He could do, he could be like, hey players, we're going to put a salary cap in, but also just get an Uncle Dennis and ask about a tree deal. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, hey, we're having a salary cap, wink wink.

Yeah. I won't, we won't, don't ask, don't tell.

Right.

Like steroids. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll look the other way. You guys get your cap owners. And if you want to hook a guy up with a fake car dealership, That's between you and the Lord.

I was listening. Windy was talking about it on, I believe it was on, oh, it was SVP. And he did mention that. So this is not unprecedented. This happened with the Timberwolves. And I believe it was Joe Smith. And they got a bunch of picks taken away. They actually ended up going to the conference finals like a year after, but that they already had Kevin Garnett, which that it's not apples to apples. But Windy basically said that if the Clippers— the precedent that the Timberwolves set, they got a shitload of picks taken away. Then they started cooperating and the NBA started showing leniency and gave them a couple of picks back. The Clippers still have that possibility. Now, will they do that? Because Steve Ballmer released a statement and the Clippers released a statement being like, we completely disagree with all of this. And essentially like, this is false and we're going to fight it. if they start to play ball, they might get some of their picks back, which you got to— like, if you're the Clippers, you got to do that.

Play ball.

Yeah, I guess.

Get 2 of your picks back.

But the thing is, if you're, if you're Ballmer, you can outspend Adam Silver. You've got unlimited money.

Yeah.

So if you want to play the lawyer game, he's one guy, if he wants to go through with that, he can probably make life a living hell for Adam Silver.

Yeah.

In hopes that he can kind of, you know, force his way back into Um, a, a lesser penalty.

So, so I'm looking at it right now. Uh, when Joe— the Joe Smith thing happened, because it was like a deal where he signed a bunch of 1-year deals, they guaranteed that he would get like a big deal at the end so they could keep his bird rights. They took away the '01, '02, '03, '04, and '05 first-round picks. The Timberwolves played ball. They gave them— the NBA gave them back the '03 and '05. So it ended up being a 3-pick punishment, not a 5. That's what the— if you're a Clippers fan, like plead with Steve Ballmer to actually do something here to maybe get some of these picks back. Yeah.

I mean, if Ballmer was smart, he would just ask— he's in LA, so he should just ask his daughter's boyfriend to pay Kawhi all this money behind the scenes. That way everything's nice and legal.

Yes.

That would have been a smarter move on his part.

Yeah.

The statement from Kawhi is, is pretty funny. We've got a new, I think, lead leaguer in the, in the realm of Rick Pitino's I apologize for trusting the wrong people.

Yep.

I accept full responsibility for lapses in judgment by people within my inner circle.

Love that.

That's such a good apology.

So good.

I love it, Kawhi.

It's, it's my fault for letting other people speak on my behalf. Yeah, my bad.

Yeah.

No, his statement was basically, did I do that? Yeah.

Whoops.

Sorry.

Bad.

My bad. Yeah.

Uncle Dennis, you know, Uncle Dennis, everyone's got a crazy uncle. That's what he should have said.

Yeah.

Hey, Listen, I apologize, but also, isn't it the most relatable thing ever to have kind of a crazy uncle?

Thanksgiving is going to be real awkward this year.

Yeah. What does— I mean, Uncle Dennis has to— he has to have a nice, like, envelope waiting for him, right?

He's in the uncle—

he's already made it. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. Like, he's, he's banned from talking to teams and stuff.

He is in the Uncle Hall of Fame.

If Kawhi— Kawhi— does Kawhi need now to win another title with the Raptors to save his legacy? Does Kawhi have a legacy? Is it this?

Yeah. I mean, it's, it's winning a— he was 2-time Finals MVP.

Yeah.

Yeah. I, I don't think Kawhi cares. I think he's like, I've done everything. I've accomplished everything.

Kawhi might be one of those guys when players say that they like don't like read anything, hear anything. I think I believe when— if Kawhi said that, yeah, like he doesn't even know what the internet is.

He might not know that this is even that big of a deal.

I would imagine Kawhi just sits at his house and like stares at a wall and then they're like, all right, Kawhi, time to go to practice, right?

He's like, all right, he just plugs in at the end of the day, screensaver pops on. Now, do you think that this is, uh, it could have all been avoided if Kawhi had just showed up for a few photo shoots?

Oh, if they just planted a couple trees?

Yeah, like if he planted 3 trees and let a professional photographer take a picture of him. Yeah, hell, maybe even takes like a 3-day trip to Brazil at some point. Um, plants 3 trees, gets on a plane, flies back. I think the Clippers still get all—

You get a little bit of a, yeah, a little, a little saving grace. It also Like I said, that Balmer interview he did a year ago, I think the worst part about that for him is going on ESPN and talking to Ramona Shelburne and saying, I got scammed too. I got scammed by these guys. What do you want me to do? Which we now know is just not true.

Balmer's a victim in this. Maybe, maybe the biggest victim.

Please cry. Please save one of your tears for the billionaires. We need you to. On behalf of the LA Clippers, we vehemently reject the NBA's findings, which are the result of a heavily biased investigation seeking to justify a predetermined narrative rather than the facts and evidence.

How come they only investigated all the bad stuff we did? How come they didn't investigate all the real contracts that we've signed?

Yeah, we intend to vigorously challenge these findings and penalties through every avenue available to us and look forward to an ethical and impartial arbitration process.

Exactly.

Is that just Steve Ballmer sitting in his office being like, review it?

Yeah, yeah.

Just over and over.

Go to the tape. Zach, what'd you just say that's got the boys cracking up?

Gotta hit that mic, Zach.

Oh, we're just trying to put ourselves in their shoes. Like, these are kind of good problems to have.

Memes, what do you actually say?

What do you mean? Who?

You only get fined $700,000?

Yeah.

That's not bad.

Like, that's just like—

that's a little something.

Kawhi's fine.

They're in a great spot.

Memes, you gotta say that you're about to cry back there.

Memes.

Help us out, Memes.

I'll tell you after.

What?

No, you gotta tell us now.

So I'm a little sore from softball last night. I was like, I think I need a massage. Zach was like, don't go to the place down there.

Terrible massage. That's all it was.

What happened?

It's just a bad— it's a dogshit massage. My back still hurts.

Oh, okay. Zach, did they jack you off?

She was like, you wanna do that? And I was like, nah. Like, I went in for a legitimate massage and she just like, like, she like played around for a little bit and was like, all right, jerk time.

And I was like, no.

I want— I need relief, like muscle relief here. My, my L1, L2 vertebrae are in pain.

He's the only guy ever to go into a rub and tug and be like, no, I actually just wanted the Swedish massage.

The photos looked like it was an up-and-up spot. I get there and it was straight to jerk. I was like, come on, man.

Zach, what were you wearing? Did you look hot? Is it your fault for looking hot that she wanted to jack you off?

With those eyes?

No, I was just wearing, you know, standard gear. Nothing too crazy.

I'm wondering if she saw like Barstool Sports stuff.

All I know is I walked in with pain.

She's like, oh, you're from that office. I know.

Yeah.

Walked in with pain, left with pain, boys.

Oh, no, no, Zach.

All right.

So, yeah. So the Clippers are screwed. Yeah. It's a perfect ending to that, Zach.

Yeah. Clippers are hoes now. I do think that this kind of stuff happens in every sport. Yeah, I think— well, there's a lot of cap circumvention.

If you're an NBA— if you're an NBA team and you do any of this, you got to stop right now because it's pretty clear that they're going to Like, that's the one thing that the Clippers— they've been—

I'm sure Pablo's getting hit up by a lot of people.

And then the Clippers are going to hit up— yeah, like, I bet you there's a backdoor Clippers are trying to hit up Pablo being like, what about these guys?

Yeah, burn it all to the ground.

Yeah.

If you take away— Clippers are basically at the point now where they're hoping that every team gets their next 5 years' first-round picks taken away, then there's just no draft.

So their next first-round pick is in what? It's like 20— it's not just 5 years from now.

It's nobody. Like, their next starts in 2029. So it's 2020, 2034.

Yeah.

Hank still won't be in the Invitational. 2034 is their next first-round pick.

And that person right now is 11 years old.

Yeah.

That would be drafted. They got— they have to nail that pick though.

They got to nail it. They got to nail it now.

Yeah. Start scouting every middle school.

Get it going now.

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, do you think that it happens maybe in that same city in the NBA.

What do you mean?

Like something?

Oh, the Lakers?

Yeah. Well, maybe that team or maybe another team that's in Los Angeles.

I don't know.

But like, if there's a player, a star player that you want to get, and you have a massive mega blockbuster movie that's trying to be produced in that town, intense with that player as the star with a lot of money moving in and out of the studios.

That's interesting.

Do you think that that would be worth looking into?

That's interesting. It wouldn't— it wouldn't be hard to take away the bubble championship. It's half a ring.

Well, I think you probably have to punish wherever that player is playing right now. Yeah, I would say would probably need more punishment.

That'll be good. All right. Let's talk some other sports stories before we do that. DraftKings. The wait is over. Football's here and so is DraftKings. The DraftKings Sports app is now live in all 50 states. That means from Texas to California to Florida, every fan is in on the excitement. And this September, DraftKings is giving customers the opportunity to get boosted every football game day. That's right, every game day all month long, DraftKings customers can get a football profit boost. One app, every sport, all 50 states. New DraftKings customers sign up with code TAKE, spend just $5 and get $200 in total rewards within 21 days. Includes all Markets. That's code TAKE in partnership with DraftKings. The crown is yours.

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Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MY-RESET. Connecticut, call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas, bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21 and over, void in Canada. Bet with DraftKings Sportsbook to get bonus bets that expire in 7 days, or trade with DraftKings Predictions to get predictions dollars that expire in 1 year. Event contract trading involves risk of loss. Predictions offer void in New York. Non-withdrawable rewards issued as $50 click-to-claims every 7 days for 21 days. single-use boost per customer per day. Expires at the end of the final select game when offered. Valid for select football transactions on the platform for which it's been issued. Terms at dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer nationwide based on sportsbook predictions and free-to-play sports contest availability. Varies by state. Limited time offer. Okay, next, uh, stories are a twofer. We got some driver's license taken away. Tony Romo, 6 months. Tiger Woods, 5 years.

Don't touch my driver's license.

Oh, yeah.

And the good, good CEO got canned. So, but Tiger Woods, I mean, that's the only place he feels normal.

Yeah.

So he's basically in jail, really.

Again, much like Steve Ballmer, Tiger Woods is the real victim of this.

Yeah.

That he's not going to have any place that he can go and feel like a regular human being anymore. So I guess thoughts and prayers to him.

Good.

Good for the rest of the world.

Every— literally everyone else that's on the road.

Yeah. Also, if you're Tiger or Tony, like, I guess the fact that it happened on the same days, they're both going to maybe be competing for a future Uber commercial, which would go crazy if it was like Uber Pool and Tony Romo's picking up Tiger Woods.

Oh, you're saying that they can drive?

No, they can get—

no, no.

Hi, I'm Tony Romo.

Uber Pool.

And I'm driving for Lyft.

No, Uber Pool. No, he's in— he's in the backseat. And there's like— Tiger's like, oh, shit, I hope I don't get paired with a random weirdo.

Yeah.

Can't don't have a driver's license. Opens the door.

Boom.

Tony Rowe.

I don't know, Tiger.

Yeah.

Uber Uber Pool.

You never know.

You never know. But yeah, that was. I feel like we're. It's Tiger now.

These things happen in threes.

Yeah.

Who else is getting their license taken away?

Hmm.

Anyone?

We looking around?

Anyone?

Some is someone in this room.

There's got to be a baseball manager that's that's working on a couple DUIs.

We haven't heard from Tony La Russa.

a while.

That's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's, he's, he's out there somewhere. Do you guys have anything to— do you care at all about the Browns assistant GM wearing a sweatshirt that said Los Angeles made me do it in her press conference, which seems pretty— it seems very Browns.

Yeah. I don't think that there's anything really deep to make of it. But besides the fact that this was a really dumb thing to do and why it's like, it shows bad judgment, I think. But, but Ultimately, do I think it impacts the job that she's done? Probably not. But it's the Browns.

Like, the Browns can make a story out of a sweatshirt. It's impossible. You'd say no way could a, could a sweatshirt be a headline. But the Browns can do it.

The Browns did it.

They can find a way.

Actually, they've done it multiple times. Remember John Dorsey?

Yeah, that's true.

Lots of stories out of that sweatshirt.

His sweatshirt was nice.

This sweatshirt looks like it's been hanging up in a moth closet for the last 6 years.

It looks like Bill Belichick's sweatshirt. Yeah.

Yeah.

While you're— you have the computer up, can we just click on today's news, the top story, just to see right there? OK. Sydney Sweeney stuns in Venice fashion.

Oh, I'm a bit of a—

we're fashionistas. Yeah, this is our fashion portion of the podcast.

Zoom in on, on the strap where the straps connect to the main dress there, that area.

OK. Sydney Sweeney leads the league in most times pulled up on this computer.

I would say so.

Mid-show. Yeah, not even close.

That's a really good dress.

That's a really nice dress. You could tell the, the design, the tailoring, the design. Do you tailor a dress or is that a suit? We're fashion.

You can tailor it. Yeah, you can tailor it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're a fashion show first and foremost.

That is just a really— it's a really good dress.

It's a good dress.

I like the cut.

Yeah, it's a good dress.

One of the best, better cuts. I like the material, too. I'd say that's the second best dress I've seen her wear.

What, what game are you guys most excited for this weekend? Do you have one?

I mean, LSU-Clemson. I think that's the Tigers, the Death Valleys. I think that the shit talking behind the scenes that's going on and in front of the scenes that's gone on this week where we've had like Dabo Swinney turning into vintage Steve Spurrier, talking shit about Lane Kiffin directly during press conferences. What was his quote? He said they need to no pun intended, stay in their lane.

Yeah.

Which means some good shit talk.

If you pre— no pun intended, then it is intended.

Yep.

So yeah, Dabo's been going after him. LSU's been like tied up in court this week. So yeah, that's a— I mean, it's been a crazy, crazy couple of days trying to figure out who's going to be able to play even this weekend.

But I'm excited for Louisville-Ole Miss. I think everyone should tune in to Louisville-Ole Miss on Sunday night. That's the game we should all watch.

Okay.

Yeah. I mean, it's the only ranked matchup.

Yeah.

All weekend.

Football. It's at an NFL stadium too, right?

Yep. So that's awesome. If you want to watch 2 teams, college football teams playing in an NFL stadium on Sunday night, it's Louisville-Ole Miss.

Top 10 team.

That's the one.

I—

would you disagree?

Playoff team?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's in the Apple Cup.

And one projected playoff team per one of our college football experts.

Yes. Yes. That's the, that's the one. I'm just so excited.

I'm going to watch.

It's not a great week 1. We talked about it on Wednesday, but I don't care. It's just going to have— there's going to be football on our TV all day Saturday and it's going to be awesome. Memes, you got to be— you're ready to go.

You're not.

Are you going outside on Saturday?

No, I'm— well, as soon as I leave here till Monday, I'll, I'll be on my couch.

You're inside.

I'm just inside.

It'll be pretty good.

I just got a new 70-inch TV. Oh, barely fits on my TV stand. But hell yeah, I am fired up.

And if you're not watching football, you're going to be playing college football video games.

Yeah, that'll be on another TV. Got it.

Will you be doing both at the same time?

Probably.

I love that.

What a— what a— Nemes is really living the best life. He really is.

Yeah.

You are like the idea that you can just be like, all right, see you guys. See you Monday. Not going to leave my house. Going to watch all the football.

Yeah, no, it's the best. I've thought about it. I wouldn't trade lives with anyone.

Anyone.

No, it's so good. I just make memes.

What about Scooter Braun?

Yeah.

All right.

You're a world champion too.

And world champion.

You're a world champion and softball champion.

And a New York Times bestselling author.

Yeah. Got a lot going for me.

Yeah.

Some are memes.

Some are memes.

All right.

Any other stories before we do our Mount Rushmore duel? De'Jon Love. The only follow-up I had was that I understand why he was wearing the cap the whole time.

Oh, yeah.

It's very large.

Looks like Mars Attacks.

He's got a big forehead.

Yeah. There was— there's some other stuff coming out. The brands are now onto the case. And I think these are all real things. I don't think that they're viral advertisements. But Cameo said that De'Jon Love hit them up to see if maybe they'd want him.

I think that one might have been fake, but it would be funny if he did hit them up.

And then I saw that there was a DM between him and Dave Buster's asking if he could have an entire Dave Buster's location because he, as an NFL player, was coming in with, with a couple of his friends.

Love that.

With the understanding that that's what NFL players do. It's like, hey, I play football professionally, so I'm going to need your entire restaurant.

Close it all. Oh, we just pulled up CJ Stroud will not be signing extension with the Texans before the season begins. Houston offered Stroud a contract exceeding $50 million annually, but he's betting on himself to hopefully reach near $60 million. I feel like, yeah, that's not enough of a difference to bet on yourself.

That's quite a bet that he's making.

That's like $50 and $60.

Would you bet if I gave you $50 million, Big Cat, would you be willing to put it on the line and say, I'm going to bet that CJ Stroud gets a bigger contract than he's already been offered at the end of the season. No, I don't think I'd be willing to make that bet.

I would not make that bet.

Good for him for getting offered that much money. That's cool. Yeah. Did you see CJ Stroud?

The Florio had a report. This is why I love Florio. This is why he's the best report that Kyler Murray has been arriving at Vikings facility on time every day.

Yeah.

But then he further went on to explain that he's been arriving exactly on time, not a moment sooner. And he's been the first one to leave.

Yeah.

So he's been just clocking in, clocking out.

Not even 15 minutes early.

That's progress.

If I'm—

yeah.

Kyler Murray, I guess they'd like him to stay, like be the first in and last out. Yeah. But I mean, I feel like every team has 3 different guys that are first in and last out. Yeah. At the same time.

Kyler knows exactly who he is.

The 2000, what, '12 Patriots where they had Tom Brady, Amendola, Welker and Julian Edelman and Danny Woodhead.

No one left.

Like, they probably carpooled because they could all be first in and last out together.

Speaking of that, did you see the King State Kings for Ernie Adams?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So that was from Ryan Paganetti, who's awesome. His Twitter account, everyone should go follow it. We got to have him on. But yeah, he did a deep dive. Why don't you explain it, Hank? Because it is, it is quite something.

It's like from 2002 to 2019, the Patriots, when opposing teams were kicking a field goal, Like looking at the video board, they would put up a feed of the game mirrored basically.

So reversed.

So if the flags, if you're the kicker and you're looking at the flags on the top of the field goal post, they were going right. Directly behind that was a video of the same flags going left.

And also the same. So you'd see 4 uprights.

Yeah.

Now this is actually exactly what I tried to tell Brandon that Oklahoma was. It Or Nebraska, no, Illinois, what they should do.

Yeah.

And then Brandon interrupted me very rudely and said, why the hell are we talking about Jumbotron? Yeah. The only— the only jumbo I care about, jumbo shrimp, deep fried. Brandon Walker, like, like, great idea. Maybe, maybe he could have heard it first and part of my take if Brandon shut his fat mouth.

And it's not— so this was not illegal. This was just doing everything they can. Like, I think, I think someone Crunched the stats and it was like a 5% change in kicking accuracy, which, guess what? If you get a 5% change, that could swing a game.

Good boost.

It's pretty crazy.

Yeah.

Did you feel pride when you saw that?

Yeah.

I mean, that's Belichick at his best.

What you love to see. Those are the good old days.

That's Belichick at his absolute best.

I'm sure they'll be back.

Yeah. Aren't you in the good old days?

The Belichick, Ernie Adams were.

But now it's new.

Good new days. We're in the good new days.

Good new days.

Good new days.

Yes.

All right, let's get to the Mount Rushmore duel. Should we do it?

Yeah.

All right, let's do it. OK, it is time for our Mount Rushmore duel. It's brought to you by Reese's. There's something for everyone when it comes to Reese's. We love Reese's. They got the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, the ones with the Oreos, incredible peanut butter and jelly marshmallow Reese's Sticks, Reese's animal crackers. Just everything, anything you're looking for. Reese's is the 1-1 pick in all Mount Rushmore, uh, drafts. It is the GOAT candy. We love Reese's. Something for everyone. It is the New York Knicks of candies. That's what Reese's does. Reese's, the official candy partner of Barstool Sports. Go get Reese's wherever you shop. Uh, we love Reese's. And so we should have just done Should have done a Reese's draft because you could, you could literally do it and it would be, it would be the easiest draft ever. You could pick everything they have. They have every type of candy. All right. Zach's talking a lot in there. I think he's nervous. We are ready for the duel. It is Mount Rushmore duel time. It is Zach versus Hank. Hank versus Zach. Loser gets skunked by a real skunk is one of the punishments we had discussed.

We've discussed a lot.

We have discussed that.

Yeah, it was that. We discussed becoming DeJohn Love.

Yeah.

For a different team. Maybe making a hip-hop country album.

Yeah, there's a lot on the table, but we're going to do— so how the duel is going to work, they do not know what the Mount Rushmore topics are. It's all off the top of the head. How much time are we going to give you guys? How much time do you think you need? 30, 60 seconds.

I would like Memes' mic on.

Okay. Memes, mic on. Okay.

Why?

Just in case.

Oh, you think there might be some shenanigans?

You never know.

Oh, that's totally fair. I actually agree with that 100%. 60 seconds each. Is that not enough?

90 seconds?

Yeah, I think 90 seconds to 2 minutes might be good.

All right. Well, we tried to pick topics that you can think about stuff off the top of your head. And so there's gonna be 3 polls. We'll put them out, what, consecutive every half hour or something? And then it's just best of 3. I think that's what we did last year, right, Memes?

We're doing some of the show in the morning. By the time we record the rest of the show in the afternoon, it should be done.

What?

The polls should be out. Then we do the poll. We do the polls.

We do the polls in real time.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Is that what we're doing?

Yeah, that's what we did.

Okay.

I kind of like that.

Yeah. Okay.

So we'll find out. So when you get to Fyre Fest, you'll find out. Yeah. I didn't— I don't remember us doing that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It was like instant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. Instant, instant polls.

So I'll just do it one every half hour.

Yeah. And then we'll find out. Okay. Okay. All right. You guys ready for your first Mount Rushmore?

Yes, sir.

All right. Who's, who's going first?

I think Zach.

Zach is going first.

I went first.

Okay. We would like to hear— you have 90 seconds. We would like to hear the Mount Rushmore of guys' names.

My mic is on.

Mic is on. 90 seconds to discuss between us guys. Guys' names. Mount Rushmore.

It's gonna be really hard not to just verbalize my names that I'm thinking about right now.

But we wanted to start— we wanted to ease them into something that, like, these guys know guys. Yeah, right. They know guys' names.

If there's one thing they know, it's dudes' names.

It's also very subjective, open-ended Mount Rushmore that could be very funny because it's like, who's to say?

A lot of names out there. A lot of names to go through. Just think of any names.

Hank is— Hank is doodling. He's got a heart next to a couple of them.

How many names have— oh, he's, he's writing Hank and then other guys' last names on his paper.

Hmm.

Okay. Signature.

Zach.

How is Zach doing? By the way, what are we going to do for ourselves?

Smart move by Hank taking the headphones off.

The headphones off.

The mic is still on.

Yeah, but we're monitoring.

All right. Memes, PFT, and I— what we should discuss real quick while we let the timer go down. What is the second one we want to do? Is it the one that we were thinking of?

I think it's WLTO.

Yeah. And then the third, should it be the one we were talking about or should it be the one that I just—

I think it's the one that we were talking about.

Okay.

That one I want to hear.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Perfect.

I want to hear where they go with it.

Okay.

Agreed.

Couple more seconds.

We should use— we should use Zach's alarm clock as the timer. Mm-hmm.

You got 10 seconds. 10 seconds. 10 seconds.

Zach has just started writing. Oh no.

And—

oh no.

Time!

I mean, I guess there's— you can, you can keep writing. It's just you have to make a pick when your pick's up.

Yep.

OK, Mount Rushmore of guys' names. Zach, you're up first.

We talk first and last.

No.

What?

This guy's name.

This guy's name. Yeah.

All right. I got you.

Yeah.

First pick for me is going to be Davante.

All right. Good pick.

Okay.

Okay.

Tank.

I'm gonna go with Guy.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

And Jalen.

Oh, good pick.

All right.

These are good picks.

I'm gonna go with Muhammad. Okay.

Yeah.

Probably the most popular name.

I think what's the—

so many guys named— I think it's per capita, it's maybe the number one.

So you're going with more guys named that way, not just— okay. Are you going for, for the amount of people?

On that specific pick, I like the volume pick.

Okay.

I think Hank was doing that maybe with Jalen too.

Yeah, Jalen's not a bad pick. All right, you have another one?

Zach.

Oh, next pick. I'm gonna go with Drew.

Yeah, I love this. It's so silly. Now Drew's a good pick, I guess. Drew, not Andrew. Just Drew.

Yeah, just Drew.

Yeah.

Was your—

Andrew, if he's in trouble by his mom or somebody, you know, Drew.

Drew.

What was your thought process behind Drew?

Cool name.

Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Good pick. Good pick. This is tickling me a lot. Okay, Hank. Hank also like looks so deathly serious. It's like you just got to say it, guys.

He's worried.

Yeah, I just don't know how to— yeah, I'm—

so you have so far Jalen and Guy. Guy.

Yeah.

We're gonna go William.

Okay, William. You want it written as William?

Will.

You want Will?

Yeah. Okay.

I like that. I actually like that change a lot. I think that was a very smart change with the graphic.

And Tiger. Oh, Bill.

Oh, Tiger.

Tiger.

Okay. Not kind of a nickname. But yeah. Good pick.

It's too late.

Yeah.

Hands off the piece.

Okay.

I like Will. Will's great value.

Will's great.

Yeah. Actually, usually Wills that I know are undrafted.

I'm going to go Richard.

Richard.

Strong. Yep.

All right.

What else do you guys have on that list? I thought we were going to maybe get some more traditional, like a—

Eric, Zach, Max, Caleb, Drake. I want to do Drake, but that's why I didn't want to give myself away. But I think Tiger probably did anyway. Dan, Dave, John, Jack, Mark.

Jack is— Jack is a big miss in my mind. Jack is a strong guy's name.

I didn't realize that Jack is a nickname for John.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lil Wayne, Ross, Scotty, Tiger, Marcus.

Marcus.

OK. Heard names of everyone in this room except Shane and Connor.

Can we get clarification on a couple spellings?

Yeah, sure.

How do you—

Will is W-I-L-L. How do you want Devonte spelled?

There's a few different ways you can go about it.

We'll go with what you got right there.

OK. And how would you like Jalen?

Hank?

J-A-L-E-N. Smart.

No, smart. Yeah, I thought there would be more like, I think like Frank.

Frank's a good one.

Tom.

Zach, Meme said that you, you waited until like the last 5 seconds to start writing down names. What was the thought process there?

There was a confliction in my head if it was just first name or we doing first and last. Like for my first one, one, I did have Tom Cruise, but yeah, Tom Cruise is not a name.

Yeah, Tom is a good one.

Tom Cruise is a solid name.

Yeah, I agree with that.

Topher.

Joe.

Joseph.

Joseph's good.

Joseph's a good one.

Biblical.

Biblical names always are just strong.

Elijah. Maybe not.

No, that would have— I don't know if Elijah would have played. Drew is very funny. I don't know why. It's true.

Ezekiel.

I don't know if that would play. Hey, who knows?

Biblical.

Jesus.

Jesus would have been a banger. Yeah.

Jesus.

Tim.

Big mess.

My mic's on, by the way, and Zach's just talking out loud.

That's good.

You talk into the mic.

Are you guys feel good about that? Because we're about to go to the second.

I don't think either one of them feels good.

No.

If I'm reading their body language, both are terrified.

All right, PFT, you want to say what the second Mount Rushmore is?

Yeah, absolutely. The second Mount Rushmore is going to be the worst lines to wait in.

The worst lines to wait in.

Lines to wait in.

I am going to set the timer. I'm going to give you guys a minute and a half. Worst lines to wait in. Okay, boys, the timer is up. Are we ready?

Yeah.

This is the Mount Rushmore of worst lines to wait in.

There's a lot of them.

A lot of them.

I can't think of many good ones.

No.

And so, Hank, you go first, right?

Yep. DMV.

Great pick. That's got to be 1-1.

Got to be.

Got to be.

Because it goes out of order, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's bullshit. It is.

Great pick.

Zach, you go with the restroom.

Restroom. Okay.

It's kind of chalk 1-2, right?

Yeah, that's really good. I mean, when you have to piss and you have to wait in line, that is the most infuriating feeling in the world.

Another great pick.

Yeah.

I'm next. I'm going to go with Chipotle line.

Okay.

Okay. And why?

Because I've just been 30 deep in the Chipotle line every time.

Okay.

And it just— you want to eat and you can't eat. It's right in front of you and you can't get there. You want to get to the register as quickly as possible and you're just doing small talk with people you don't know.

See all the food right in front of you?

Yeah.

And there's the— it's the worst when like someone 3 ahead of you is ordering for like 5 people.

Oh yeah. They got a birthday party or like after school.

Oh yeah.

I'm gonna do a burrito, then I'm gonna do a burrito bowl and do tacos.

Yeah. Memes, what was that face I saw?

At first I was like, they're normally pretty quick. And then what Big Cat just said will drive you— they just keep putting tortillas in the machine.

Yeah, that will drive you nuts.

You guys ever get caught like awkwardly right at the door too? So you're the guy like you're in line, but you're in the way of the front door and you're just—

oh, you kind of have to maybe hold the door open, but maybe not.

Yeah, that's brutal.

All right, Hank, I'm gonna go airport security.

Yeah, I thought that was gonna go second. And Chipotle though.

And bar.

Yeah. To get in or line to get to the bar?

Line to get in.

Strong.

I'm going to say right now, Zach needs a Hail Mary because that was—

Hank, nice trap.

You're crushing this one.

Thank you.

Good pick, Hank.

But, but Chipotle.

Chipotle.

That's a little annoying.

I'm going to go amusement park. Yeah.

Good pick. Good pick.

Yeah.

Yeah. I go FastPass and then I'm going to go Gas station during a hurricane. Yep.

Nothing worse.

All right, should we go to the next Mount Rushmore? You want to do your last pick? You don't even have to.

Sure, we'll go concession stand.

Okay, that's good.

I mean, Zach, tell me about your experience waiting in line to get gas during a hurricane.

It just is just 50 cars backed up and you're thinking, are they going to run out of gas? Do they got gas? You know, they're jacking up the prices. You sit in the car, impending doomstorm, maybe death coming, but you're like, we got to get gas for the house, gas for the car. Yeah, natural disaster is terrifying. So you're scared in line. You don't know if you're going to make it home. Then you're home.

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Okay.

Good.

Feel like maybe it's good movie concession stand. I guess you did concession stand. Was that everything?

I was thinking like a sports, sports bar.

I was, I was thinking about Line to get a drink at the bar. That's a bad line too.

Yeah. Although that one, you can go sideways.

Yeah.

Kind of like you feel like you have more control over that. You can, you can. Yeah, you can, you can, you can cut, but just by having good eye contact and good like motion awareness.

Line to get into the plane. That one kind of sucks too. Like boarding.

Bad line.

Yeah. But it's like you're everyone's— you're taking off at the same time. Yeah.

Yeah.

OK, good. Mount Rushmore, Hank.

Thank you.

Zach, Chipotle. Do we need— we need some people stuck in a Chipotle line to— I guess the polls will go out during lunch. So you need everyone who's literally looking at it while in a Chipotle line.

There's ups and downs of a duel, you know?

Yeah.

I would even say like the line to vote in general sucks. Yeah.

Customer service lines.

Yeah.

100. Then just never goes down.

Autograph line. You feel like a loser.

Yeah. Autograph or picture line at a porn convention's got to suck.

Hospital.

Yeah, that one sucks.

Last guy in like a Lily Phillips gangbang.

Yeah, but you're probably making small talk with the guys around you at that point.

Yeah, it's tough though.

You're like, hey, horny too? Same. A lot in common.

Yeah. All right, last one.

Zach, it's 1-1.

How do you think it's going?

I—

yeah, you can go anyway. Hank's—

Tiger was a bad pick.

That was a great draft by Hank.

Tiger was a bad pick.

Okay, here is the last one. The last one is the Mount Rushmore. Tiger's not even a name of dumb things you think. You guys got it?

The problem is Hank's—

Hank's still thinking about Tiger. Yeah, Tiger's not even a name.

The tiger's inside his head right now.

And Zach got Muhammad.

In the second round, I think all-time number one name.

Okay, they're thinking about it. Dumb things you think.

But I got Chipotle, so yeah, Chipotle is so fucking— gas station during— I imagine gas station during a hurricane would actually suck.

It sucks.

You've done it?

Yeah, Hurricane Sandy. Dang, tough.

Might be a little limiting.

Oh, this whole time I was thinking like actual, like in the convenience store portion of the gas station. I wasn't realizing—

no, no, lines down the road. It really is, bro. Brutal.

Yeah, but that one, that, that's, that's a— you gotta live in a certain part of the country to— Yes, very niche, but important for Florida. Florida comes out for— if, if you get out the vote in Florida, Zach, you could be in, could be cooking.

Yep, is the number one state for determining elections. Hmm, I can't wait to hear what What they say about this.

Okay, Zach is 4 strong right now.

He's 4 strong.

All right, can't see Hank's list, but he is writing.

You got this, boys.

Mhm. You give him an extra 30 seconds.

Yeah, give him an extra 30 seconds. I have— I haven't even set a timer, so we're Zach's brain is humming though. Oh, confirmed humming.

Humming. I see it.

Confirmed humming.

Is he writing though?

I mean, this should be a layup for Zach.

He can't wait to write.

He's got dumb thoughts all the time, right? Although I can't get over this— the, the sock on the baseball bat is fucking genius.

Smart move.

So fucking smart. Zach really so smart.

Zach kind of does have a cheat code in this, but—

Well, no, no, Hank has some dumb thoughts. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't get it twisted.

That's why we thought this was the perfect one.

Remember, Hank sometimes just thinks about Joe Rogan interviewing him about how his day went.

Yeah.

There's, there's dumb thoughts going around in this room right now.

Yeah.

All right. That was time. Do you guys need a little more time?

You got it?

You feel good?

You first, Hank, or me first?

Me first.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, Hank, you're up. This is the Mount Rushmore. No, no, it's Zach first.

Yep.

You literally just went first.

You're right.

Yeah.

First thought popped in my head. I'm gonna go with, are those real?

Good pick.

Okay, good pick.

Good pick.

Okay.

I'm not— I'm not any good at telling. I'm so really bad.

So bad.

I think— yeah, yeah. The dumb thought I have is I just— I just assume they're all real.

Yeah, because they're just all boobs and I'm— yeah, I would never think anything nefarious.

That's where I feel dumb.

Sneaky about boobs.

Like, oh yeah, those are boobs. So those are real.

I will go with I'm going to win all my bets.

Yeah, really dumb thought.

And I'm going to get in shape.

Wait. Okay. When I think that, it's not dumb, but yeah. Good picks.

No, that's a really dumb thought that I think all the time. Like every— I'm actually—

those are daily thoughts.

I'm actually about to Bet every game this weekend, think I'm going to win them all. And then Monday, I've already decided, is when I'm going to start my journey to get in shape. I'm not joking. Those, those two things.

Someone made a compilation of us talking about this on the show.

What?

Like us getting in shape. I would like to see that.

It's like, meanwhile, it's different.

This is different this time.

I'm going to go with Could I jump over this?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yes.

And then I'm going to go with—

I like, could I jump over this?

Did I lock my door?

Okay.

All right. Oh, memes.

What do you think about— what do you think? Like, could I jump over this? Give me an example.

Walking into, like, the store, you know, the things that block the cars from people committing tragedies. You're like, should I hop this? Or like a couple of cases of water on the floor. Should I hop this?

Yeah.

You know, Because anytime you get in the air, it's dangerous. All right. I'd say Hank's got a pretty strong lead here.

I don't know.

I mean, he literally said 2 that we think he might say.

Tiger.

Yeah, I'm going to go—

is tiger a name?

With how our language is invented.

That's a good pick.

Great pick.

I can't pick a lot. Yeah, it makes no fucking sense.

And just translations, people that can speak multiple languages, sign language, none of it. It, it hurts my brain to think about. And then this one, did I already shampoo?

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Like in the shower?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

That's a dumb thought. And when it happens, when you have to think about it, it's like, fuck.

Yeah. Yeah.

I am really dumb. Yeah, but I think I did.

Okay. Good pick.

But just in case, I'm going to go with, do we see the same colors? And then I'm going to go with, do you have another pick?

No, no, that was it.

Oh man, what an end to Mount Rushmore season. What would it have been?

Oh, I don't have another pick. Yep. Never mind.

No, no, no. But what would it have been?

Oh, I didn't have one.

What do you mean?

I was about to say something.

You had one.

That's the thing, I thought I had to pick another pick. I didn't have another pick. I was really just trying to find another pick right there.

You had 6 written down.

Yeah, they're not good picks.

No, you have another pick. Tell us the other pick.

Well, this list was— I—

You picked 4.

I wrote down dumb things you think, and then I just thought of things you think. So my list is not the best dumb things you think.

But tell me.

Uh, what did I forget is on here. What did I just forget is on here. Uh, did I just step on a crack is on here.

Uh-huh.

And then, uh, how did they meet each other is on here.

Huh.

And then, yeah, yeah.

Now, you know, look, it's a duel.

Well, the other one I had was how do planes fly?

Yeah. How do boats—

We'll talk later.

Yeah.

I mean, aircraft carriers, think about that for too long.

What the fuck?

Why is it placement?

Yeah.

Good duel. I feel— you guys feel good about the duel?

Yeah, I think it'll come down to the end.

I think, I think you might have gotten him, Hank.

You think you got him?

I thought I've had him the last 2.

You definitely won one.

Yeah.

You won the second one.

Yeah.

Chipotle.

I don't know. Chipotle. A lot of people go to Chipotle.

I think that's Hank's. The first one I think is going to be close. Yeah, very close.

Depends on how the Muhammad vote comes out.

Yep.

I think that is a swing vote.

Yeah.

The great mistake here is going pen and paper. I should have went Notes app. Anytime I go on pen and paper, I get distracted with the pen.

And you were the one who brought the pen and paper out.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

What do you mean distracted with the pen?

You start doodling, you know, and then now you're not writing down answers. You just start— yeah, tough. I knew I shouldn't have used a pen.

That sucks.

Good duel, me. Good duel, Hank.

Good duel, Zach.

Good duel.

Way to be.

It's a pleasure.

All right.

All right. Good job, boys. We'll see how it goes. We'll actually have the results for when we do Fyre Fest. So let's get to our interview with Stavny.

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Okay. We now welcome on a very, very special guest. it is our good friend Stavros Stavi. He's in studio.

What's up, boys?

It's great to see you. You got a new special coming out on Tuesday on Netflix. Very excited for it. By the way, congrats on being on the COVID of a New York Times bestseller.

It means a lot.

This is our way of just— we actually did an accidental genius thing where we put all of our friends on the COVID So then when they come on, we say, hey, congrats on being on a New York Times bestseller. Like, Oh, congrats on your—

oh shit, I didn't even want to mention it. Yeah, yeah.

I just wanted to let you know you're on it.

You did it. It's you. I'm congratulating you.

Yeah.

I mean, this is— this— I am flattered to make the cut, but you guys having a New York Times bestseller is a mark of the decline of society.

It is the dumbest thing ever.

You two are barely literate, let alone everybody who works here. It's fucking insane.

We've said it multiple times, but there's a— there's an open parenthesis on page 8 that never gets closed. That happened in a real book.

This is so fucking stupid.

On the COVID What even is this? You guys just remembering podcasts?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, hey, it's a book of—

oh, that one time, dude, half the book is other people wrote it for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We actually, we had our guests that were our most popular guests write a chapter, and then they could say, hey, hey, we're in this book. If you want to read these two guys.

Yeah.

And then on the COVID the amount of people that have confused you and Ryan Rosillo has been astounding.

Interesting. We are— we have a similar look.

Oh yeah.

Rosillo would have my hair if he wasn't a coward.

If he wasn't a fucking shaving coward. That's true. But yeah, no, there's a lot of— we had a bunch of people write other, other chapters, a lot of pictures, you know, exactly what you'd expect.

Pad it out. Yeah. It's like you— like, this is the— this is the kind of work that's like to get a C-minus in a community college history paper.

Yeah.

But because our world sucks dick, it's a New York Times bestseller.

That's why I like— I was actually like, I love to read a random passage.

Let's flip. Can I see the book and flip to a random passage?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. You pick one out. This— I'm not joking. I was like mentally, like struggling when they were like, you're New York Times bestseller. I'm like, I shouldn't be. This is bullshit.

Okay, here we go. An ode to Jerry O'Connell. I mean, what the fuck are we doing here, guys? I like Jerry too, but who wrote that?

Jerry O'Connell?

By Charlie Barchett.

Oh, that was— we had, we had our own fans write chapters.

What the fuck is this? So you guys just cut out the middleman. You guys cut out the middleman and put comments in the book. You put YouTube comments in the video.

We give away a chapter. So, uh, congratulations to Charlie Burchett on, on being a New York Times bestseller.

What a scam. What a racket.

Fucking—

can you believe we got away with this shit?

This is so funny. All of this is ultimately to funnel money from like Deloitte to gambling websites. That's your entire business model.

Yep.

Oh man. It's so fucking funny. I, I— the fact that you opened up to a literal fan's chapter.

Such pieces of shit. That is so fucking funny. Some fucking guy who listens. No disrespect, Charlie. I'm sure you're a beautiful guy.

Yeah. The irony is that's probably the most well-written chapter.

Oh, absolutely. Oh, absolutely. He's smarter than us.

Probably used spell check.

That's so fucking funny, dude. That's so funny.

He was like a little nervous. Like, I, I don't want to send them, you know, an absolute piece of garbage. Anything you say. So I'm going to have to, like, run this by a proofreader.

He probably had his mom looking over or something we didn't even do.

Respect. That's awesome. Well, congratulations.

Yeah.

All right.

So, so I am happy that while literally the same way with me, like, I— this is my second Netflix special.

Yeah.

Society and society is down, but we're up. Yeah, right. Everyone who weirdly started a podcast in 2016, guys like us, we have the 2016 podcast brotherhood where it appears God chose us as his people.

Yeah.

We keep winning. that we don't deserve.

The history books are going to write, be like, what happened to the decline of, like, you know, the Roman Empire, the American Empire? It's like, well, they had like guys like Stavi and Big Cat and PFT as cultural leaders.

What happened was the dumbest people of all time.

Summer 2016, this gorilla got shot. And then, yeah, it all started.

And then the Big Bang.

Yeah. People started listening to these fucking guys.

Yeah, dude.

Well, then everything fell apart.

Absolutely. At least watch the special, folks.

Yeah.

Even though we don't deserve to be— if you bought the fucking book, You have to buy a special. Yeah. Watch the special.

It's high art compared to the book.

Yeah. Yeah. I did work harder. I definitely worked harder on the special than you worked on the book.

Yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

Where did—

well, we did— we— the book, we, we crammed. I assume you didn't cram the special.

I did not. 2 weeks before. I got to write jokes.

Like, by percentages, we did work really, really hard on the book for about, yeah, 14 days nonstop. It was like every day doing that. But yeah, I mean, you've been on fire. I was just telling you before, I love— I loved you in Mm-hmm. Yeah. Tires is great.

Dude, Tires season 3.

Yeah.

Everyone go, this isn't going to be a Shane Gillis suck-up, which we do love Shane, but like—

We can suck Shane. He's the man.

I mean, no, I mean, Shane is the man.

Like, those guys are so fucking funny and fun to work with. And like, yeah, that's the beauty of it, dude.

Shane—

Tires season 1 was a web series that Netflix bought for some reason. And by season 3, this was the one where I was like, oh fuck, we're doing a real show.

The writing.

We had stuntmen.

The writing.

Yeah.

The stunt, like the, the, the, the just the whole thing looked different. It actually was like, not only that, but it wasn't just a comedy. Like, it pulled at you a little bit.

And I was like, some real acting.

Yeah.

Like acting and like, like drama and like, oh, fuck, I just felt something different than just laughing at these guys being very funny. But you were great in it.

Thank you, bro.

A role you were born to play.

Yeah.

Is it hard to have it? Did you have to method act to become a sex addict?

It was hard to be a horny Greek guy, kind of. giving too much to his career.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? It was really hard. It was really hard. Uh, yes, I keep getting— and look, I've been playing fat scumbags. I think it's time— I wanna— and I got to play, actually, for the first time, a fat cuck entire season 3, which was nice.

Yeah, that's true.

But I'd like to play one more spiritual, you know, like, like, you know, like your—

like the—

your uncle that shit wasn't going good for him.

Yeah.

I would love to play like a fat bald accountant whose wife is fucking— getting fucked on the side.

Yeah.

That's my next role. Yeah, 'cause I've played scumbags. I'd like— yeah, exactly.

I'd like to play a sympathetic scumbag.

A guy we all feel bad for.

Exactly. And then you end up with like the hottest, you know, or maybe it ends up bad for me.

Kill yourself.

Maybe I kill myself. My big dramatic turn.

I mean, I did— I saw The Odyssey this summer and I thought like much, you know, a lot of other people online, I was like this, where are all the Greeks? That's it.

That's it. That is a tough subject for me because it was between me and Tom Holland for Telemachus. So yeah, it's tough. It's tough. I don't, I don't usually like disclose that Hollywood insider stuff, but We were the last 2 and he just edged me out.

So we needed more reach. By the way, I think we do have a Cuck of the Year. Yeah, we do. Hang on.

Really?

O'Connor won it for saying that his entire— the entirety of his family beat him up for saying one negative thing about Kamala.

He said to Bill Maher, well, that's no way. That's no way for the Lib of the Year to be behaving.

Yeah, that would be Jersey Jerry.

Oh, Jersey Jerry.

I mean, you talk about the fall of civilization. President Biden gave the award to Jersey Jerry last year.

Yeah, that sounds about right, actually.

Yeah.

Okay.

So mentally, Biden is Jersey Jerry. Jersey Jerry is actually like—

it like, it like bums me out that we've lost some things in like the Rockin' Jock, Dan Cortez. Like, what was that? What was it like MTV?

Yeah, it was Rockin' Jock.

Like, I'm mad that we don't have that anymore because like we would definitely have presidents playing in that.

Oh, yeah. So fucking right. You know, punt, pass, and kick. Yeah, that would be a presidential punt, pass, and kick. I would love to see it. None of these motherfuckers can even, like, take a walk. Yeah, it's crazy.

It would be like J.D. Vance stiff-arming Carmen Electra.

Yeah, right.

And like, I need that.

Her bikini top falls off and yeah, it's a whole thing. So this is the Cuck of the Year trophy.

Okay. Oh, I see.

So it's a man on a chair.

So in many ways, Jerry— the Jerrys are sort of mirror images of each other.

Yeah, they are. Yes, they're very similar. They're interchangeable.

Yeah. So there's something to shoot for, Stobby. Maybe next year.

I'll get there.

Yeah.

But you, dude, it's been awesome to watch you.

Like, I don't want to— I don't want to, like, totally blow you, but it's— you're, like, blowing up.

And I don't know what's happening.

Podcast is awesome.

I am as confused as everybody else.

You're like, it's so fucking cool to see, man.

Yeah, it is. It is fucking crazy. Like, I don't understand how— I mean, again, just lucky I answered one of Shane's texts 4 years ago. He was like, hey, we're shooting something. It'll be fun. I was like, all right, fuck it. That changed my life.

Yeah.

And then just like, you know, I don't understand why, like, uh, you know, crowd work clips went viral as fuck for 2 years, but they did. And then I got to just have big-ass Netflix specials. And then I— the one that really makes no sense is why I got to just act immediately.

Yeah.

I think some fat actor, like, God is trying to punish him. I think, like, I am sort of like, hey, you worked your whole life, you're a Shakespeare-trained actor, but you sinned too hard. So we're going to find the dumbest, fattest guy from the worst parts of entertainment podcasting, and we're going to elevate him to a movie star. I think I'm actually the villain in somebody else's Truman Show.

This is, this is the feelings I had about the book. Someone spent years and years, real sports journalists laboring over like writing and journalism. And then we just shit out half of them, half a book because we didn't write the whole thing.

Of course.

And like, oh yeah. But yeah, so you are someone out there.

It's Paul Thomas Walter.

Yeah, yeah. Paul Walter Hauser. Yeah, yeah. That honestly might be true, dude.

Yeah. He's going to win an Oscar one day.

Yeah, he's an actual good actor.

Yeah. You're a good actor.

Did you act before any of this?

Not really, dude. Baltimore School for the Arts, 6th grade summer Twigs program. That was the— that was the entirety of my acting.

And then it was called the Summer Twigs. So you guys were literally an acting bundle of sticks?

Yeah, I suppose that's true, and we'll keep it at that. Again, this is where your friends being illiterate helps us.

I graduated from the British cigarette acting school.

Yeah, dude, it was like the one— I've never, you know, I just kind of was like a guy who was like, man, it'd be awesome to just be the fat neighbor in a sitcom. And it just did kind of happen. I'm not the fat neighbor, I'm the fat assistant manager at a tire shop.

Yeah.

That's all, dude. I— all the, the, the max of my career was always like, be the fat guy who pops in 7 times, you know, once every 7 scenes.

Yeah.

To like split his pants, you know, sit on a whoopee cushion, do that kind of stuff.

Hawaiian shirt.

Hawaiian shirt, exactly. So I'm happy to If I could stay here for the rest of my life, it would be awesome.

You basically like grew up and you're like being like, if I could just be Newman or Kevin James.

Kevin James. Yeah, exactly. Which way? Yeah, it's the fucking meme. It's like Newman or Kevin James. Kevin James was the North Star. You know, not joking. Like, oh, King of Queens, dude. I actually have a joke in the special where I was like, I'm mad because that's not what life is like for fat people.

Yeah.

Like, it's actually fucked up they showed fat little boys that this is what life becomes, because it's like, no, no sleep apnea. It's back problems. No, it's not getting hard because you had too big a sandwich, dude. That's what it's actually like to be fat.

It's the whole—

it's the whole like dad bod. And it's like women don't actually want dad bodies. They want— yeah, dads who are ripped. Absolutely. That's the difference.

That would be the best one. But they'll settle. They'll settle for somebody who looks like shit.

Yeah. There's always like every fat guy in every TV show, every commercial. has just like a 9 out of 10 smoking wife.

I know.

He's always complaining about her.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my bitch wife won't let me go out and get hammered on a Wednesday.

Seth Rogen and Jason Segel fucked it up too.

Absolutely.

Like all their movies.

They got a little sex— that's a great point.

Yeah.

Seth Rogen started fat and slowly became kind of sexy.

Right.

And Segel too, when he shows his nice fat hog.

Yeah.

That was a big moment. Forgetting Sarah Marshall with their hanging dong. When the protagonist of an Apatow-produced movie has a nice fat cock and he's not some fat guy with a little dick, That was when it all came down for us.

Oh, man. But yeah. So, all right. So the special, where'd you film it?

Filmed it in Baltimore at the Lyric.

Hell yes.

It was— yeah.

I was going to say everything in your life is going well except that Lamar will never win the big one.

OK, what is this about? Why the fuck are you saying stuff like that? What do you mean he's winning it this fucking year, dude? Championship loaded. We got Minter. We got the boy Genius back there fucking setting up our defense. Fuck you.

What's it like?

That's why Caleb's a piece of shit. He's a fucking bust. And I was about to just hit PFD for no reason, but you didn't say anything. I was getting worked up, but I'm going to wait.

I appreciate that. I was actually going to ask you a more positive question, what it's like having Nate Bargatze as your head coach.

He does look like Nate.

Yeah, a lot.

Yeah.

No, listen, the Ravens, I hope that— I hope you get your wishes fulfilled this year.

Thank you.

Super Bowl on your birthday again?

It's not. I don't actually— I don't know. I don't think it is.

When's your birthday?

February 11th.

No, no. I think Super Bowl this year's— didn't they move it? It's like it's Valentine's Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Yeah.

So I do think you've got a decent chance. Yeah. A little change of pace. I do feel like Harbaugh moved on pretty quick after you guys.

He did. It was the classic, like, the second, the second you get divorced, you get a trophy wife. Like, New York is totally a busted— the Giants are a busted woman with big fake tits because it's like, you know, she used to be hot. There's some history there. But it's like you just— it's kind of like going Bezos, like Bezos' wife. Yeah, that's what the Giants are. A lot of history, you know. And you're trying to give it a facelift. You know, that's what part— and I think he will be good for them, honestly. But, you know, it's tough. I think as long as we got Lamar, we got Derrick Henry, and if we can— I mean, look, Madubuike comes back. That's the thing. Our edges are fucking nice.

No, I think you guys should be good.

But like, but like, don't fuck— don't fuck with me, Big Cat, you piece of shit. Because it is one of those things where I'm like, I want— I need Lamar to get everything to click for once.

Yeah. And you got Max Crosby.

All right. We did fine on that. All right.

We got— we actually think you did pretty well.

We finessed the situation in a weird way.

It was actually a nice spot where it's like, you're like, oh, fuck, Max Crosby's incredible.

Of course.

You're like, oh, we gave up that for Max Crosby. And then it flipped and you're like, oh, now we got— okay, so, so we just traded Henderson.

No, we're not trading shit.

Yeah. Who's not Max Crosby? Of course.

No, but he's not, you know, we didn't give anything up.

I think you guys are going to be in a better spot Because I do think the Harbaugh thing, like, he's a very good coach, but it does get stale at some point. And I know, like, you just lose the message. Having someone new, it's going to be similar because it's very like Josh Allen and Lamar, similar situations, like coaches that maybe it got stale and now they got new guys. Like, could it be the thing that propels them?

Absolutely. And I think for both of those guys, it did feel a little late. Yeah, I love Harbaugh, obviously, but to me, I mean, I will never stop thinking about that year where it was on my birthday because it felt like so perfect.

That was such a good team.

It was like he goes out, we win, and then it was like we still had Mike, and Mike stays. And it was like, and like I had this entire fairy tale where it's like Harbaugh, like at the ceremony, is like, and here's your next head coach. And he goes, he becomes a ceremonial GM. But it was clear Harbaugh wasn't ready to go. You know, these guys don't want to hang it up. And again, I think it'll be good for the Giants. They need like a floor.

Yeah, he's the Reda for the Giants.

Exactly.

They're going to get a little jacked.

Exactly. Eventually they'll eat through it.

Yes.

That's the playoffs. They got to get to the playoffs, but they'll get there first.

Yeah.

Are you a Knicks fan? We were talking about this during the playoff run.

I am.

Because I thought that you were. And I think Beckett was like, he's more of a Giannis fan.

I like Giannis over everything.

Absolutely. So this actually is— I would love to make this and talk to you guys about it as sports bros. Because I think I have an airtight— some of my friends were like making fun of me about being a Knicks fan on this championship run, particularly Joe List, that Boston piece of shit. But I think I moved to New York 12— when Porzingis was drafted, 12 or 13 years ago, I don't remember when. I grew up in Baltimore. I'm not gonna be a fucking— you know this. I'm not gonna be a Wizards fan, right?

You don't believe in the Wiz?

No, dude.

Dude, the Wiz are back.

But like, I'm not from D.C.

This is a trick for PFT to have you bring up the Wiz.

That's a great point. That's a great point. They are looking— they are— this is the first time you've had any hope ever.

Yeah, exactly.

In a really long time.

Exactly. Just a little bit of Wizards talk and all of a sudden everybody's like, whoa, this is way too much Wizards talk.

Yeah, but you know, I'm interested to see what happens. But I like— I could never do that. Like, it would be like being from Chicago and rooting for Milwaukee, essentially, right? Or vice versa. Actually, it'd be like someone from Milwaukee rooting for Chicago. It's the smaller city has to get cucked and root for the bigger city. I never wanted to do that. And so when I moved to New York, If Baltimore had a team, I would be the biggest superfan of all time. Like, that's my favorite sport. As much as I love football, basketball's my favorite sport. I would be fucking— I would be Jack Nicholson for Baltimore, right?

And you ride for Giannis.

And I ride for Giannis. So, and Greek—

Do you ride for Giannis's brother the same way? Because that's kind of bullshit if you don't.

I do, but you know—

Sounds like you don't.

Well, listen, I do because he's always been on the same roster the whole time.

Right, I know, but now—

Or the Knicks.

Didn't one of them get left in Milwaukee?

Yeah, I mean, I mean, so you have to like— I need you to like league pass Bucks games.

Yes.

Yeah.

Thanasis or whatever his name is.

Yeah.

Thanasis. I don't think it is. Which one is it? Costa, Thanasis?

I don't know.

There's 4. Costa, Thanasis, Alex. I think Thanasis is out now. He's more of a business mind.

OK. A shrewd man. Yeah.

You will— I will not say anything bad about a single Dantakoumbou brother. Nice try, big cat.

He needs to— I mean, the honest— this is a big I feel like this is the next, like, 3 years. Like, if you're going to win another one, it's got to be now.

And listen, I like— I mean, you know, they have such an incredible coach. He can figure— like, going to Miami is one of those places where you're like, all right. I mean, it was about to be doomsday when it was fucking Boston. I was going to fucking kill myself.

Yeah, that would have been tough.

I couldn't have— it would have canceled out. Yeah, there was no—

I would have had to turn your back on them.

I would have had to Goodfellas give them $1,300 and be like, I turn my back on you now. I have to root against—

I couldn't.

I couldn't. It would be the weirdest thing. It would be like I would see his face and be happy and see his jersey and cry. Like, I think I would have lost my mind.

Yeah. Would you have to convince yourself that he wasn't actually Greek? Like, told yourself a tale? Like, actually?

Oh, yeah.

Who knows? Really kind of Albanian.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, he loves Greece too much. I couldn't do it. It would be hard. But I didn't. Luckily, didn't have to do it.

Guess we'll never know.

Guess we'll never know. And Miami, listen, I'll never root for Miami. Like, if they come against the Knicks, I'd root for the Knicks. But like, I don't like that it's a rival. I would have liked if it was like the Timberwolves would have been awesome, for example, or just something.

You need him to go to the Sacramento Kings.

No, I don't want to be bad, but it's just like somewhere cool, you know? Anyway, but I'm pumped. I think that like, you know, I just want to see what he does. Miami's a fun city. If I have to get down there and see some games, hey, it's not the worst thing in the world.

Have you talked to him?

No.

Because, because hasn't Sam Morrill talked to him?

He was at a benefit. He was at a benefit where he was there and I just missed him. Sam invited me and I was sick that day.

Did you know he was gonna be there?

No, I had no fucking idea.

If you were sick and you were gonna meet him, like, you would have gone, right?

Would you have gotten him sick?

Or would you have felt like, oh shit, maybe I shouldn't meet him?

Maybe I—

yeah, maybe this would be saving his life by staying home.

That's a good point. I probably would have— I, I don't remember how sick I was. If I— I probably would have masked up. Yeah, you know, still had the COVID mask laying around, made sure. But like, he would have think— he would have thought I'm an insane person. Yeah, because it was also like a, like a gala. I think you had to wear a suit and tie. I would have been up there mashed up.

Oh yeah.

I would have put it on just to meet him. Like, the fuck's going on?

Everybody else, I don't give a shit.

Yeah, I love you so much.

Yeah.

How did you go to Greece this summer?

I didn't, dude. I had to fucking—

How's Greece doing? I heard in Greece you— they don't have toilets that you can throw toilet paper away in.

Unfortunately, that is true.

What does that mean?

That's just, you know, bad postwar infrastructure. So there's just a little shit basket.

There's just—

you need a little shit basket.

There's just trash in the toilet, in the bathroom.

Yes.

With a lid.

You use a lid and then you don't have an open— throws that out. That's a tough—

no one knows.

No one knows.

No one knows.

No one has an answer to that. Yeah, it's a— I mean, probably your grandmother or mother. That's the— that's the— that's the flip side of a patriarchal society. Growing up the firstborn son, I've never had to worry about who takes out the shit papers. You know, they're just— they're just gone when I get there. But yes, it's a tough look.

That is—

I mean, I think WNBA players used to play in Russia. That was the same shit. I remember reading a— reading an article and they were like, the one problem with playing overseas is that you can't flush your— like, I think it was like a Diana Taurasi quote.

Yeah.

Which is like somebody has to come and take— mysteriously the shit papers disappear for them too.

So that's a big problem.

That is one thing America is crushing really good.

Plumbing, air conditioning, and plumbing.

Yeah.

We fucking kick ass.

Yeah.

I remember the first— I think that's— it's the same way in parts of Latin America and South America. too.

Of course.

And you go in there and as an American, you see that sign on the wall and you're like, surely they can't mean like my poop. Not me. Goes right there.

My poop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's— that's major culture shock. But, you know, like it does make— I think it makes you gritty.

It makes you gritty. It makes you earn. By the way, it makes you earn every wipe.

That's true.

Now you're like, now it's not just an endless, an endless black hole you throw your shit paper on. There's limited space.

Yeah.

You have to be very strategic and you have to really get the most out of every square.

I'd have to be like, you know, Like when you're in college and like you never want to take out the trash, you step on the trash. I'm stepping on the trash, on the shit paper.

Shit paper.

You have your shit boot. Yeah, the shit paper boot. You just press it down.

I'm not taking it out today.

Yeah, you're just stacking shit paper. You fold your shit paper into origami and put it on top.

Growing up, it was just like you flush something and then who knows where it goes. That's how you just get rid of stuff.

You just push that button and it's gone. Oh yeah.

Yeah. We flushed our goldfish down the—

our dead one. We did.

Yeah.

I don't know.

People were upset about that. It's like, where else is it supposed to go? I was like, it's in the book. It was like 9 years ago.

Oh, 9 years ago. Oh, you did. I thought you meant your children.

No, no, no.

I thought you were telling a hard one.

Adult men. We flushed our goldfish that we had make NFL picks for us down the toilet.

How could I forget? What was it? What was the goldfish?

Larry.

Larry. Larry.

Yes.

Larry was actually 55%.

How could I forget Larry? Like, actually, the world's best gambler. Yeah.

And then his grave got robbed.

We buried him in Canton, Ohio, at the Hall of Fame. Yeah. Tiny little gold jacket on his body.

He did better than the turtle.

Oh, the turtle sucks. We rehomed the turtle.

Rehomed.

Yeah.

It turns out that the turtle was getting made. We got a turtle named Mr. Pear. And then we had Forrest Galante, who's a big, like, wildlife guy, outdoorsman on YouTube. He came into the office office and introduced him to Mr. Pear. And he goes, you know, Mr. Pear is actually— that's a female turtle they have. And I was like, well, that explains its record against the spread. Yeah, it doesn't really watch ball.

Mrs. Pear.

Yeah, it could give you like mixed signals, uh, on what it wants for dinner, where it wants to go eat.

But my fucking bitch turtle wife won't suck me off.

I had to actually tell my kids that we didn't have Mr. Pear anymore. They were pretty Upset.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Little kids love turtles.

I was just like, listen, he's— she, she, she— that bitch sucked at gambling.

Yeah, that whore. That whore's the reason you don't have candy this week. That whore's the reason we're light on the Saturday donuts this week. Exactly.

There's only 4 now. Yeah. All right. So what else is going on?

I mean, it's—

Dude, the special, really? Like, please watch the special, everyone. It's good as fuck.

I worked hard. Favorite one?

It's my favorite one. And I did it with Matt Johnson, who— he directed Tony, he directed Nirvana: The Band: The Show, BlackBerry.

Oh, hell yeah.

He's so fucking funny. Matt's the man. And we did something kind of fun with the special. Like, we— like, I don't want to give too much away, but we do like some organic— there's a real interaction, and then we build some interesting stuff in the special around it because Matt is so good at like finding real people and putting them into like his movies and TV shows and stuff. So So it's kind of like an interesting— if you're a fan of Matt, which his stuff is so great, you should check it out. And if you just like straight-up good-ass stand-up, I worked on this for like 3 years. I mean, you guys came to the Chicago theater. Yeah, that's the— it's pretty much a better version of that from like a year ago. But I've been touring with this for like 3 years. So please watch the special, everybody. That's the main thing. But then, you know, after that, there's other shit, I guess.

Yeah. Are you— are you gonna like— because the acting is going so well, your podcast, everything— are you gonna stick with with, uh, like comedy?

Go—

like, are you gonna— like, after this one, like, this is a big one. I know, but like, it's hard. I would imagine it's— doing stand-up comedy's got to be the hardest thing of the 3, I would imagine.

You know, it's the traveling's the most, but like acting's kind of like— it's not harder, it's just fucking annoying. It's a real job.

Okay.

Like, other people depend on you. You can't wake up hungover, yell at your Albanian friend to go get you a fucking sausage, egg, and cheese.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, it's— and also, like, I'm not a fucking act. Like, I'm a stand-up guy.

Okay.

Like, that's the thing. I'm not one of these guys that wants to leave. Like, I'd love— look, I want to be like the fact— like, I love Adam Sandler, Chris Farley movies, Will Ferrell. Like, I'd love to do like a Danny McBride, you know, Eastbound and Down, my favorite show. Obviously, I'd love to keep doing stuff like Tires and that kind of thing, but dude, stand-up is where I belong.

Because I would liken it to like in sports media where it's like newspaper writers want to be radio guys, radio guys want to be on TV, because like TV's the Like, a lot easier to do than write a column every day.

For sure, for sure, for sure.

Like, stand-up, getting up every night is the biggest grind of all of those.

It is. And it— I mean, yes, it's like ultimately easy compared to real jobs, but compared to other showbiz jobs, it actually is more work.

Right.

Um, but I just fucking love— and it is killing me, clearly. Like, touring destroys you. Like, and I eat like shit, I do drugs, whatever. But, uh, and I can't stop.

That was a really nice whatever there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I do drugs whenever.

And every time I'm on tour, I relapse. But I had a year and a half of sobriety, and as soon as I got on the road, the first day I was like, let's get fucked up immediately. And I've just been doing that for 2 years since. So that's— I have some stuff to figure out. But look, man, when I'm acting, I feel like a— it's like putting a little fucking rat in a tuxedo, you know what I mean? But it's like where I belong is in the mud, podcasting, doing stand-up. Like, I like you motherfuckers too. I mean, I remember when the ESPN show— Yeah. And it was like fucking heartbreaking. Like, I remember it feeling— Shane, the ESPN show, Yeah, it felt like there were moments where all of us were trying to do it. Nick Mullen had his fucking commercial taken away. Like, all of us kind of tried too fast.

Yeah.

To do it the regular way. And then we realized, like, we're not meant for this. No, we're not meant to be held to these standards.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It felt like we've done a lot of Goodfellas allusions, but it was the getting made scene back to back to back where all my friends were getting insane opportunities and immediately getting fired.

That's right.

And so I'm like, dude, I'm lucky that I was the low— less talented of that group. And it took 10 years for me to get stuff, to get like— and by the time I was getting mainstream stuff, I was like, oh, this is a bonus. But where I belong—

That's awesome.

Is here doing standup. Fucking literally, you guys accidentally becoming the best sport— like, the reason I'm on the biggest sports show is because my dumb friends accidentally have it. I would never try and get on the biggest show of anything. You know what I mean? Like my entire press tour was like, I was like, I guess I'll go to LA and do fucking Bad Friends. I'll just do Bad Friends, then I'll come here and do PSC.

Stop in Chicago, then I'll go back to New York.

I hit up Shane and he was like, I'm going to a Notre Dame game. So I was like, all right, I guess I'm not doing that show. Like, that's as much— I didn't try and reschedule. I was just like, hey dude, are you gonna be around? He's like, no. I was like, all right, fuck it. Yeah, I guess I'm just not doing the biggest comedy podcast to promote my special.

Our press tour for the book was like going on other Barstool shows.

Yeah, yeah, just shittier versions of your show.

No, we had a meeting and they were like—

Canadian version.

Yeah, they were like, Like, like we're thinking maybe you do this like, you know, a big like Fox hit or— right. And we're like, how about we just say it on the number one sports podcast? Like, I think we have our own presence.

And also, like, we'll just get everybody that wrote a chapter in the book to promote the book.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That right there makes it a New York Times bestseller. Yeah. If everybody who collaborated on this bought a copy, that's a million people.

Yeah, exactly. It takes a village.

Goodfellas analogy, I think it's kind of like back in the day, the mob tried to, you know, they tried to go clean, right? You know, certain people would try to get legitimate businesses. And if they tried too hard to break in, they would get elbowed out because they'd be like, this guy's dirty, you know, he's got this long track record until eventually you wait long enough. And they just control some of the businesses now, the legit businesses. And that's kind of like where the podcasting class—

That's a great point.

Of 2016. I think that's where we're at right now.

That is so true.

It's like Well, the mob kind of runs everything.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, what are you going to do? Like, yeah. Like, Pat McAfee has the most power at ESPN.

I know he fucking— he has so much power he thinks he can do music.

Like, you can't fuck with us anymore.

That's when you know someone has lost his mind. It's like Roman Emperor successful.

Yeah.

Because he's like, oh, I'm actually good at— I'm going to just do the songs Jelly Roll doesn't want to do. Whatever Jelly Roll threw away, I'll go ahead and take a crack at it.

Yeah.

Love to do the show, Pat.

Anytime. No, it's like it's either that or like the, the nerd who starts doing like Brazilian jiu-jitsu. It's like, I could actually get in a real fight.

I'm actually jacked.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, like when Jonah Hill was like, I could, I could, I could fuck any of you up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not—

dude, I don't think so.

I love Jonah too. And it's like, I— we need to get back to what's beautiful about being— even if you're not fat anymore, in your soul, being a fat guy is good.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Stop trying to be— I don't want— we shouldn't be leading with violence, right?

When you're—

when you've been a fat icon, even as skinny It needs to be about having the good times rolling.

Yeah, it needs to be about making fun of yourself.

Absolutely.

That's how you make friends.

And you can make fun of your friends too, but you have to ultimately not be too serious about yourself. But yeah, dude, that's how I feel, where I'm like, stand-up is what I'll do forever, podcast. And then like, listen, I'm not gonna stop them from putting me in movies. But it's not gonna— I'm not gonna say no thank you.

That is the best feeling. Like, we, we talked about it when we were going back in like the 10 years of like having that realization, like, I don't need the other things. You, you think you need them because that's what everyone tells you.

Yeah.

And then you realize, wait, I don't need ESPN. I don't need a TV show.

We're pretty—

this is—

we're having a pretty good time here.

This is insane. Yeah. Fucking full court. I mean, I just got— when you guys come to New York, you got to come to the new office. I was honestly inspired by the fact that you guys just made a hilarious place to hang out.

Yeah.

It's technically your job.

Yes.

I did the same thing in New York. I was trying to get myself a nice What did you get?

What'd you get set up? Because the problem with New York is you just don't have the square footage.

Yeah, I mean, compared to this, it's—

yeah, what is it?

Like, I just got like a real office. We have a studio. I got myself a little Big Buck Hunter, got myself a 100-inch television.

Hell yeah.

You know what I mean? Like a couch that reclines.

Yeah.

Like the amount of hang space versus— and like there's like a desk in the wall, like pushed up against the wall, but all the like video games and the fucking vintage pornography That gets— yeah, that's number one. You know what I mean? I've got to get up on your Uncrustables game though.

That's—

yeah, pretty culturally, it's beautiful what you're doing Uncrustables-wise.

I mean, yeah, it is great. The problem is like every time you go, you walk past that fridge, you think to yourself, why not give myself a little treat?

Yeah, a little boost.

Not a snack.

Yeah, not a treat, a boost.

A boost for the workday energy.

That's why literally that's how I started. I was like, let me get one.

Yeah, am I kidding?

I got to start it. I got to start it with the fucking Uncrustables.

Like, I feel my blood sugar might be a little bit low. This will be good for me to have this.

But it is, it is. Yeah, I mean, I like—

I was—

I think I was telling my wife, and she was like, what do you like in 20 years? I was like, yeah, I'd love to have like a, like a bar or pizza place, like a place in the back that I could just hang with my friends. And she's like, you literally have that now. There's no front to it, but you have that. You literally do that every day.

No, but I'm with you. Yeah, it needs to be an operating business. Yeah, I'm so with you. Like, because that's the next level, right? Like owning a failing business as your like hang—

as your living room, as my hangout spot, like in the back and just have, have just like a— like I walked by like a Knights of Columbus the other day and I was like, I just, I think I just want to be there.

Absolutely. Working— I want to work the fryer at a diner. Yeah, like I want to work a blacktop. I would love if I had a fucking diner and nobody came in but my friends.

Yeah, awesome. But also not work it that much.

No, I work one shift every 4 months.

Yeah, like chop— come out, chop some onions, and be like, I'm gonna go play cards in the back.

Exactly, exactly. What I would— basically what I'm saying is, when I want— when I get so fucking high that I'm nonverbal and I have a sandwich in my head that I can't, like, you know, communicate, I want to go back there and create it myself. You know what I mean? Like, I want to deep fry the tenders. I want to— I want to, you know, put bacon I'm thinking in the breading, you know what I mean? Like, when I can't say it, that's what I want.

Yeah.

I want a full kitchen at my disposal to make my fat dreams come true.

Yes.

It's actually not the craziest thing to think that we would put in at some point like a drive-through window here.

Yeah.

At the office and just hire somebody that's just like, yeah, selling subs out the side.

I mean, yes, you should just have— you should have a food truck that, that somebody that works like in-house.

Yeah.

That's what you fucking need.

I mean, Chef Donnie kind of is that. Yeah, that's true.

But I think we need to make it like formal.

Yeah.

Or a tire shop.

Yeah, that's—

yeah, that's not bad.

That's exactly it. Like, I just— we basically have created a tire shop without any tires.

Yeah.

Have you, by working on the show, have you unknowingly, like, picked up all the tips and tricks about working at a tire shop? Like, all the ways they get you?

I have no idea. No, no, we do no real research. It's in— it's in a real tire shop. And we are just— it's funny because we're surrounded by functioning tire shops. Like, it's like Steve's dad's shop is still my office. is his father's real office. Yeah. On the show. So we're around it. But no, I'm having all my time when we're not acting is eating Uncrustables. That's the, you know, the Krafty I go buck wild on. Throw Reese's Cup in there like, oh my gosh, you have it under the Uncrustable.

Should we have— all right, Zach, you know what? Let's, let's get to this point because please, we have it. We have a Reese's lounge here that you have to check out.

Are you—

we have a literal candy shop in our, in our office. We have a Reese's lounge.

I'm so—

stop.

It has everything. You got a fast break. Yeah, fast break. Oh yeah, take 5, the fast break.

Yeah. I mean, we were joking about the other day, but like, when you were 6 years old, you're like, someday I want to be sponsored by Reese's.

Yeah, that came true.

Oh my God, that's beautiful.

Yeah, we do have all the ingredients for a Reese's ice cream.

ingredients here to make it Uncrustable with Reese's.

Yeah, we'll get back to Stavi in a second, but, uh, Stavros is brought to you by our friends at Lucy. Lucy Breakers. I got them right here in my pocket. The Lucy Breakers are intense, long-lasting flavor that actually satisfies. Bite and burst tech. Bite down to pop the capsule for a satisfying click and a rush of fresh flavor. Breakers flavors are built to stay vivid from start to finish. Apple turns icy, berry gets a blast of citrus, and mint gets even more minty, creating a refreshing flavor experience that lasts longer and stays more interesting than ordinary pouches. Lucy's the only pouch that delivers long-lasting on-demand flavor. Get 20% off your first order when you buy online at lucy.co/PMT with code PMT. And here comes the fine print warning. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Go get Lucy's today. Lucy.co/PMT, code PMT. Lucy.co/PMT. Now back to Stavi.

All right.

So, Zach, so Stavi has— Stavi just met Zach for the first time.

I know. But listen, in person. But like, yeah, like America, I've been enchanted by Zach's offbeat charm.

Yes. Yes. So Stavi in the kitchen, he was like, what has changed around here? And Zach has been tasked with giving him an update. And then we'll maybe talk about Maybe an update.

I'd love an update. I have an update of my own.

Yes.

Yes.

But I would, I would love a general update because I literally think the last time I was here, I think Zach might have started like the week after.

Yes. Yes.

I just missed him. It was like April of last year.

Yes.

So, you know, I've loved the clips. I've loved again falling in love with those husky eyes.

Oh my God.

You know, it seems like, it seems like again, those, that seems like someone gave, that was a gift from the gods.

Yes. Caribbean blue. It's beautiful. By the way, Zach, our bad not having you. We were literally like at your house yesterday and we haven't talked to you.

Oh yeah, you guys were like down the street, like 20 minutes.

Yeah, we should have had you come with us.

One of my, one of my friends was bartending there yesterday, ran into a bunch of you guys.

We went to Zach's like backyard and didn't bring him.

That's fucking hilarious.

We landed. I was like, wait, isn't this where Zach's from? Whoops, should have brought him.

Oh, when you went to Florida? Yeah, we went to Florida for a day. That's so fucking funny, dude.

We just didn't bring them.

Damn.

All right, Zach, ready?

Uh, yes, sir. Uh, first bulletin point I have on here is that we, uh, built a jug station, uh, for speed pounding beers.

Ooh, I love that.

And how much use does it get?

It's been— I think it's been retired. There's ivy growing over it. Yeah.

It's in a bad spot.

So Dana Beers wanted a jug station where he could, uh— it looks like an actual gas pump, but it delivers you beer.

And, uh— Conceptually, I love it.

Yes, conceptually it made a lot of sense when he brought it to me. And so I was like, yes, of course, let's do it. I want you to be happy. He has not used it like ever.

That's a real— that's a shame.

Yeah, it sits right there.

That's a real shame.

Yeah, but it is a good idea.

Great idea.

Yeah. Well, the only thing— the only— it hasn't— he's done probably like 15 episodes. The only thing that I made mandatory is I gave him like a decent budget to create this. I said that when you do a Yugg Station episode, so it's essentially him just having a guest, they chug a beer and that's the— that's the episode. I said you have to also put it on Spotify. So there is a podcast.

Oh, nice.

It's like 90% of the podcast version has just ads and then it's like, hey, we got Stobby here. All right, ready, set, go. Go. And then they're like, all right, that was it. It's a great podcast.

That's an awesome podcast. All right, nice. I love that.

Okay.

Hank has become left-handed.

Yep.

Really? You switched?

Yeah. Interesting.

Transitioned over.

He switched his golf.

Wow.

Is it a little late for that?

Not entirely, because he still like sometimes drives right-handed and he'll putt right-handed. But yeah, he made—

he's—

he calls himself— he's a lefty now. Yes. Well, the thing is—

That's how it starts.

Yeah.

You gotta listen, sometimes even though you're wearing khakis and a button-down, you gotta put on a little lipstick. You know what I mean? That's the first step to becoming who you really are.

That feels nice.

It's the first step. Saying you're a lefty is the first step to actually becoming a lefty.

Putting on a pair of heels after a long day of work.

That's step one.

The crazy part was he's— he has been a lefty his whole life.

Really?

And then for some reason he decided he would golf righty, and that's just how he always golfed. And then he thought to himself, I need to go back to the old me.

Yeah.

But he got good at righty.

Yeah.

And then he switched to lefty, and now he's worse at lefty.

It has been nice tracking— again, here's what I know. I've been tracking Hank's misery.

Yeah.

That's been really nice because it's been—

He's had a terrible year.

It's been just an— and it's not really a— I feel bad, Frank, because he is really— he's the sin eater for every Boston sports fan, basically, on this show. And just he— it's just him. There's a couple avatars where you're like, I'm glad you're fucking sad.

Yeah.

'Cause Boston has had it so nice. And the fact that it was— I know that skipping ahead, maybe— I'm sorry, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, you know, spoil anything, but the fact that the Knicks championship was his birthday—

Oh, yeah.

Is maybe the most beautiful— as a fan of the show, just a beautiful moment.

He was so upset. And he lost Liv.

Yeah.

Liv Golf is gone.

Yeah.

Biggest Liv head we know.

That's embarrassing. To care about Liv is already the loss, but to, like, be sad is even worse.

Well, I don't know if you heard, is, uh, last week he went down to the lake last ever Liv event. And they all— they— he said they treated him like royalty because they didn't realize, like, we've been mocking Liv all along. They were like, this is Hank, he does so much for us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy fuck.

They like tried to introduce him to, to, uh, Dustin Johnson, and they're like, hey, this is the guy that, you know, he's on Part of My Take, he talks about Liv all the time. Dustin was like, what? And just like walked away. Dustin Johnson doesn't care about Liv. Like, Hank cared so much more about Liv than the actual golfers who were on the tour.

Yeah. Who get it for an insane paycheck.

Yeah.

$500 million.

Like, yeah, I can. Oh, that's— oh, that's the number for me not to have principles.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, they got to figure it out and I get to wear shorts.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

I mean, all right, next.

Max has been married 4 times.

4 times.

Max got married 4 times.

Yeah. Max got married this summer. He got married this summer. It was a long process.

It was Indian wedding.

Is his wife—

no. Is it that kind of thing?

No.

He got married. He had to like go to Philly like 3 separate times to be like, oh, now we got to go get the license. Now we got to go get this.

And he wanted to have a Philly marriage.

Yeah. Well, no, he went—

he went to—

he had a destination wedding. Yeah. So they got the actual— they had a destination wedding outside of America. So they had to like fill out all the paperwork. He also had 2 bachelor parties. Now, did we force him to have one of them?

Yes.

But it was a lot. It was It was like 3 separate marriages, right? 2 bachelor parties. And now he's on a 2-week sex vacation right now.

Good for him. Oh, so he's probably getting head right now.

Right this second.

He's in Italy right now.

That's awesome.

He's been listening to this show.

Like, that makes me feel good knowing that my boy's getting sucked off. Yeah. On his— in Italy. Yeah. Belly full of linguine, getting your dick sucked by the love of your life. Could be worse.

Should we call? Here, I'll call. I'll dial his number. You just ask him.

All right, hold on.

I'll hand you the phone. Let's see if he's getting fucked right now.

One thing that he is doing is listening to part of my take, which I assure you I would not be doing if I were on an Italian sex vacation.

Of course not.

Hello?

Hey, Max, just wondering if you're getting head right now.

What?

Are you getting head on a veranda in Tuscany right now? Who is this? It's your buddy Stav, Max. We were just talking about what I've missed. And I was— and I was like, where's Max? And they're like, he's in Italy on a sex vacation. And then I started dreaming about how wonderful that would be. And so I was just wondering— I was seeing if you maybe had some tiramisu on your lips and maybe also a little pussy juice in your beard. That's all. That's all I was asking. But hey, man, I actually— no, no, no, no. All right, I swear.

Oh, okay.

All right, so we're getting there.

Yeah.

All right, all right. Well, listen, Listen, enjoy, my friend.

Congratulations.

Oh, what time is it over there?

It's like 7.

We're not—

she's pre—

oh, okay. I see he's settling into some head. This might be before dinner and giving, by the way.

Yeah.

Come on.

The Italians are passionate.

Yeah. All right.

Next up, there's been some great memorabilia pickups. A couple notable ones. FSU COVID banner at half court.

Awesome.

Taylor Swift chair. in the Ax studio.

Yeah, if you want to sit in that. I would love to.

Yeah, where— wait, oh, it's in the— yeah, yeah, there's—

I'd love to when I do the— yeah, sit in the Taylor Swift chair.

I bought the chair that Taylor Swift sat in for Game 3 of the Knicks versus Cleveland.

When she was in Cleveland.

Yeah.

And then came to the Knicks. That pissed me off.

Yeah.

You can't be— listen, and with the Haim sisters who are fucking LA, I was like, come on, guys, you can't be rooting against the Cavs and then— or rooting for the Cavs and then immediately come with Etsy-level girl pun t-shirts. That, that was a little— that was a little much for me.

I also thought she took the best pun by far, and that was kind of fucked up.

Oh, she— I don't remember.

I think she did Stevie Nicks.

It was her and—

Oh, Stevie Nicks is good.

Yeah, she also gave one. It was her and Mariska Hargitay, both having Stevie Nicks.

Yeah, listen, I'm not— I don't want any beef on the eve of the special coming out. She's a very talented artist.

Yeah, that's a bad idea.

Okay, I take it back. Actually, it was good that she did that.

Yeah, please. I love the chair.

I love the chair. I will sit in the chair. there. I love you. She did a great job. Don't attack me pre-special, please, Swifties.

Did you—

no, you know what, fuck that. I have to be a man of principle. Yeah, I did not like that, and it's okay for me to say that. And you please don't attack me, but also watch the special. Please watch the special.

Did you think to yourself like, maybe, maybe I'll get an invite to the wedding?

Is that ever possible?

How many people would have to be invited for me to get the invite?

It seemed like a lot.

I had some— I had like a crazy amount of friends that were there.

Yes.

I mean, it was really— I mean, Santino was there. Yep. You know, Tommy Alter, the guy who knows everyone on earth.

Yep.

And no one is exactly sure what his job is or what he's ever contributed to society. Is Tommy in the CIA? I'm just thinking about it right now.

He might be. The way that he runs our fantasy football league.

Yes.

100%.

Yeah. He's like, hey, do you guys want Tommy's massage?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I would not put it past Hey, send me just real quick a copy of your fingerprints. Also, we got Tim Robinson in the Fantasy Football League this year. Let's go, boys.

That is— yeah, I did not think I was getting an invite. Actually, you know what? I'm actually mad at you motherfuckers. Maybe I'm mad at memes because one time where they got fucking— where they got engaged, you reran the video I did right after we lost and it made it look like— remember where I was like, fuck, fuck Travis Kelce. Yeah, fuck. I was going off because it was the day after what we've been talking about the whole time. this interview. One of the darkest hours of my life was being at the AFC Championship in the building watching them win. And I came back like I always do. I'm an open book. And I come on, I face the lashing. I never hide. I'm always depressed.

It was a very commendable performance.

And whoever posted it, the day they got engaged, which I never would come at them with that— the day they got engaged, it looked like I was that mad at them for getting married. I went I wasn't. I was celebrating them at that point. And now I think— and now, now I've become an enemy of the— which I'm a— now look, again, am I mad at the Kelce brothers for coming into podcasting? Of course.

Yeah.

As we've said, this is for the rats.

Yes.

This is the sewer of entertainment. You shouldn't get to be Taylor Swift's husband, a handsome athlete. Your brother's an All-Pro Super Bowl winner, like, with a beautiful family. Stay out of podcasting, you cocksuckers. This is for us. But I would never have admonished them at that level on their engagement day. So I don't know if it was memes, it was somebody else.

It was memes.

Fuck you, memes.

Yeah, that was my fault.

I remember that. That clip is so funny. Yeah. Yes, we got a bunch of memorabilia. Your aunt— your foot is on the Boise State—

Oh, the car, the turf. This is a real blue turf from Boise.

Yeah.

From the fucking Statue of Liberty.

Yeah.

Proposed to your bitch right after work.

This is the turf. Wow.

That's awesome.

All right. We also have a trough from the, from the Bills stadium. Piss trough?

Yeah.

Fully functional. So please use it. Sign it.

I will.

Yeah. I've gotten a little bit of a kick on weird memorabilia.

And tell me, fill me in on the ice cream. I know, Zach, that's your area of expertise. I love that you guys are creaming up here. What kind of mixes are we using? Do we get into any custards?

What flavors?

So Jacob Owen and I do man the ice cream, Big Cat Soft Serve ice cream machine. So we got a lot of different flavors. We got vanilla, chocolate, and swirl, 2 flavors, and then twist. As far as the mix goes, Stobby, we run a 10% milk fat, so it is a custard coming out the pipes.

Mmm, I love— see, I didn't even have to ask for a custard. It already comes standard around here.

Correct.

I love how the fuck you guys get down, dude.

It's—

this is actually pathetic, but also awesome. Yeah, like, yeah, I'll, I'll just have 3 ice cream cones. Yeah, a day.

No, I'm about to hit that up. I mean, I'm just gonna take ice cream with Pepto-Bismol in a second. You know, when you're like, I just need it. Yeah, I know my stomach can't handle this, but my man said he's got— he's working at 10% milk fat.

You gotta have it.

You're telling me I'm not gonna have a cone of custard on my way to the fucking airport?

Yeah, fuck that. They need to make a Pepto syrup, like, when it comes in a squeeze bottle. As a topping?

They need it sweet and savory.

Yeah, for wings.

Give me garlic parm. Garlic parm Pepto.

It would also be great if we got the—

you crush up like Zantac and that's in the ranch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They should do it for everything. We should get like a Pepto nicotine patch. Oh, imagine just walking around. You're like, oh, this is my Pepto patch.

I don't have to shit right now. As long as I have this patch on, I can eat as much chili as I want and no diarrhea.

Can I get some of those nachos with the, the, the Prylo cheese?

Dude, I've been thinking about this. this, the, the, the foods that evil companies are going to create to beat Ozempic. Doritos, like, like chips, like the chips, the ice creams, the whatever, you know, fast food.

Oh, it's going to be incredible.

They're going to taste so good. I can't wait. I'm so excited. I can't wait for the Ozempic busters.

Yeah, they're in the lab right now.

They're in the lab trying to beat it, make us fatter than ever.

Remember when Cam Newton, like his team, the Panthers, gave up a touchdown? He's on the sidelines and he just nods his head. Yeah, he gets ready. That's what— yeah, that's what—

that's what the food scientists at Hormel are up to. Yeah. Yeah.

Took that personal. Okay. Yeah. Ice cream machine.

I love that. I love that.

And they've done a great job of operating it and keeping it. They know everything about it.

I respect that so much. And in a different life, I think I would love to serve with you at the ice cream station.

Yeah.

Any day you want to pick up a ship's dog.

Yeah.

All right.

What else you got?

There was a hot dog rescue mission from the ceiling. Nice catch of a lifetime.

Yeah, that was good.

Yeah, excellent.

That was fun.

Excellent.

We got a hot dog stuck in the ceiling.

Interesting.

Yeah, it's pretty much all you need to know.

And how did that happen?

It was like a tennis racket.

Someone—

OK, KB took a free throw. Yeah, landed on tennis racket, launched a hot dog into the air ducts.

It's pretty much pretty sick.

It stopped the office for an entire day trying to get this hot dog out of the ceiling.

The air was fucking— yeah, it was flavored.

We're basically running Scooby-Doo episodes.

I love that.

The Breaking Bad episode with the fly.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

Hot dog.

Following the hot dog. Give me your top 3, Zach. Give me, give me the last, the final, the best 3 remaining.

Best remaining. Max got married again. We—

okay.

Barstool started a Call of Duty team.

And a little bias there on your behalf.

Yeah.

Like you care about that way more than most people. I wouldn't put that in the top 3 that you and your friends started playing Call of Duty together. But it's nice. You got your heart on your sleeve.

And Big MPFT wrote a book. And then rewrote a book. And then the book came out. And then it's number 1.

Respect.

Yeah.

I love that. That's a beautiful— yeah, that's about right. To me, I was like, we got Zach. We got to— you know, he's been a lightning rod. Really, really stirred it up. It's like when they add a cute little kid to a failing sitcom 10 years in, but it actually works, you know what I mean? Like, he's Poochie from, from The Simpsons, but if it was awesome—

if Poochie was awesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I also like that Zach just summarized our entire year, and if you're like, hey, can you actually just make that one line? It's like, we eat a lot of ice cream. That's all that we've done.

That's beautiful. That was the most impassioned one, and that's the one I cared about the most as well. That, and again, Hank, and as a result, all of Boston's misery has been awesome. Yeah, it's been awesome to watch.

Yeah.

Okay, so what's your update?

So I actually have just been— I'm getting to check in with all my friends I haven't seen in a while. I was just in the Bad Friends studio, and there's a palpable energy buzzing throughout the whole place.

You just started chugging water. So nervous.

I just, you know, I don't know if you guys know what's going on, but it felt— I wasn't privy to what was going on. Everyone was kind of whispering, but it felt like love was in the air.

Ooh.

If I was over there, it was me, Bobby, me, Bobby Santino, all the production staff, and they were kind of discussing a member of the crew was really excited about something, but I couldn't really pick up— does that, is that like, does that kind of jive with anything you guys know? Because I know, wasn't Santino in here recently?

Yeah, yeah, we were talking about it the other day with Zach. And Zach, you watch the show all the time.

He's a big fan.

This comes out next, so I recorded it like a couple days ago. It will come out after this.

Yeah, yeah.

But we didn't talk about it on air. It was more— see, that's the thing, it wasn't about— it didn't feel like it was about—

It's not for content.

Content. like deeper than that.

We'll cut all this.

We can cut all of this, but I'm just saying, I'm just saying something was going on there. I would make a trip if I was a member of this, of this crew. I would maybe start looking at Airbnbs in Los Angeles. That's all I'm saying. Maybe take a trip. Do you guys have anything you need somebody to cover in LA?

We can do something.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

I was just thinking about the Chargers.

Yeah, right. The Chargers. Check out SoFi.

Oh, let's, you know what?

Bolt up. Bolt up.

Bolt on. Maybe go, uh, let's get boots on the ground for this Clippers situation.

Oh, we need some investigative— Pablo Torre who?

Zach. Yeah, Zach's gonna find out.

Yeah, Zach, I need you to go out there and come back with a report that says everything is fine and the Clippers did nothing wrong.

I can do that.

Yeah, I do think I would love to see— and listen, you're reporting, you might get hungry, you know, you might need to grab something to eat. And I'm scared. This kid is a sweet kid. I wouldn't trust him in the big city of LA alone. You might need a chaperone. You might need somebody who— we'll check with Santino or Bobby Lee, and if they're busy, maybe they know somebody.

Yeah, because I think all you were saying before, the only people you know in LA that could possibly help Zach, it's like Andrew, Bobby, and then whoever they know.

Yeah, I don't know anybody else, and they're busy guys. They're busy, so it's probably not going to be them, but I'm sure they have like, I don't know, someone who's like somewhere between a family member and a staff employee, which seems like a weird type of person.

Yeah.

But I'm sure one of them has someone that's sort of like a niece and an assistant or something at the same time. So yeah, I don't know. Again, I'm just speculating. I'm just spitballing. But it feels like to me, let's start with Zach needs to do a little investigative reporting.

Yes.

Yes.

He needs to put on his fucking Sherlock Holmes hat. Hat and go find us Uncle Dennis. Yeah, go find us the locations of Uncle Dennis.

Yeah, put these boots on the ground, boy.

You're ready to go. Zach's got a girlfriend now.

Oh, really?

Yeah, her name's Rudy.

Oh, that makes so much sense. All right, that's beautiful, man. Yeah, it was buzzing. The energy was real.

I love it.

Just a couple guys speculating right now, you know, just a couple guys speculating.

I'm just— I'm reporting to you what I felt in the room, right, at Bad Friend Studio. I was just—

And I'm sure you could report what you feel in the room right now back to them as well.

I could. Through the glass.

Yes.

It's palpable.

You could feel it.

I'm actually smelling Zach's pheromones through the glass.

That's sweet.

Yeah, but I'm picking it up.

That's exactly right. That's your energy.

Yeah, but Zach, that's what— if a woman were to smell this, watch out.

Yeah.

All I'm saying is you'd have to hose this fucking pleather couch down. If I were of the female persuasion right now, I'm smelling what I'm smelling coming through the plexiglass. Oh boy, Memes is gonna have to burn that hoodie. His fucking girlfriend's gonna ovulate as soon as she smells it. She smells Zach's fucking pheromones.

Zach, you got this, man.

Zach, would you be interested in that?

Oh yeah, I'm willing to cover any story for the show.

What a good guy. What a good guy.

All right, Zach, do you have a question for Stavi? Roback.com, R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com, promo code TAKE, 20% off your first purchase. Q-zips, polos, hoodies, joggers, shorts at Roback.com, promo code TAKE.

So you mentioned a little earlier in the show that you do have a special coming on Netflix soon. How do you go— what's the back and forth when it comes to like, maybe companies being like, you can't— have they tried to tell you not to put anything in? And how does that discourse go? What leg— like, where do you draw the line on like, no, I gotta still be me and then still kind of cooperate with what's going on?

Yeah, sure. I don't think that's happening at all anymore. I think like that's a completely overdone— yeah, in fact, like Clearly, I mean, Netflix has bought into, like I said, you— like, they've come to the internet.

Yeah.

Like, they, they, they put Kill Tony specials on Netflix now, right? Like, there's no— I think the idea that cancel culture exists at all is completely fake. I think, like, the most successful people say kind of fucked up stuff. And I'll just say, in my personal, like, working with Netflix, they've been, like, shockingly cool. Like, there have been stuff where I'm like, here we go, they're gonna fight me on, you know, this joke where I said a public assassination was good, for example, and they didn't, you know what I mean? Like, and they've been— they've watched it at every, like, level, and they've been actually so fucking cool to work with. And so, yeah, I would say in general, Zach, I think that stuff's way overblown, and I think most of it was just complaining, to be honest. Like, look at the people who've complained about that. They also happen to have hundreds of millions of dollars.

Right.

For the most part.

Right.

And now, of course, a lot of shitty comedians who want to say slurs can't do it.

Right.

But that's because they're bad at comedy and/or don't have a fan base or whatever. So, and not that I'm saying that's, that's what I want to do, but I do like— I could say pretty much— they've kind of let me get away with anything.

Yeah.

And I think like, if anything, what's been harder is the— it's kind of flipped where now the internet— I don't know if you guys feel this— I feel more censored. Like YouTube and Instagram now, they're trying to become cable TV.

Yeah.

You can't say fuck, you can't say shit, you can't show tits bobbling. You can't show a simulated cock get hard. These are all problems I had during a recent Mission Impossible spoof trailer that I posted where, where I was breaking into the CIA because the government had made it illegal to look at titties. And so I did a spoof. I spent a lot of money on like a Mission Impossible spoof, which makes no sense.

Yeah.

You can't even tell it's a standup. I realized I was like, wait, we don't make it clear this is for standup.

What are we selling?

I just spent like $20,000 making a video for fun. Anyway, I love, I love Mission: Impossible so much, but I do think like censorship has gotten kind of weird from like the internet and algorithms now kind of controlling us. And I prefer, to your question, where it was like someone you could talk to because you could have a conversation. But now all these tech dickheads are like, oh, it's the algorithm. But you just fucking made the algorithm.

Right.

You're too much of a coward to answer for it. So that's, that's my roundabout answer there.

Zach's question reminded me of something. Growing up, we had like iconic stand-up specials.

Yes.

That like stand out in the canon of like stand-up comedy.

Bigger and Blacker. You know what I mean? Like Dave Chappelle's first 2 specials, Louie's Hilarious, all that kind of stuff.

Right.

So Chewed Up.

Since then, elephant in the room.

Anyway, keep going.

I would say like, are there— is there anything in the last like 15, 20 years that we can say like this is a legendary stand-up special? Or is it— it might just be that we're too, too close to it that we won't know for a while. But like, yeah, I was just thinking, is— are there any iconic stand-up specials that stick out?

That's a fucking great question. I, I do think unfortunately like it's lost a little of its, of its like mystique.

Until now, by the way.

Until now. Yeah, Uncle Stav's bringing it back. I mean, dude, honestly, I, I hired a real— I got an actual film director to do it. Like we shot at the Lyric, which is a, uh, it's a 2,500-seater. So it's this beautiful, expensive— like I spent a lot of fuck and I broke my arm and had to postpone it. So I to like pay for certain shit twice. So I am trying hard to do a— because I love those classic stand-up specials, but sometimes I do worry that it's just moved. Culture has just moved on.

It's the monoculture isn't there anymore. And like, it's like you can't be like, everyone has seen this thing.

Totally, totally. There's no like appointment viewing anymore. There's no like Eddie Murphy's Raw. There's no Richard Pryor specials. There's no— I mean, even like we were saying, Chris Rock, like, like Chappelle. And I think when Chappelle first came back, he had the attention.

Yeah.

And those were very talked about, but I do think they were good. His first specials back were good, but I don't think they exactly matched the absolute legendary stuff he did, you know, in DC, you know, you know, coming up or whatever. And, and I think, I think that was the last time people were paying attention to that level was Chappelle when he first came back. But that's a— I don't think so, PFT, because I think the way people take in comedy now is just so There's just— specials were special because you never saw stand-up.

Right.

You like maybe saw it live, but there was no fucking TikToks. There was no— you didn't hear fucking dickheads like me talking 8 hours a week for free. So it just, it was like if everything we do between clips, specials, YouTube, podcasts was all in one release over that happened every 4 years, It makes sense why people gave more of a fuck. Like, it does make me sad that I think a lot of people are just going to watch my special the way they watch like this podcast.

Yeah.

It'll be on their phone between shit. Whereas, you know, I would like for there to be a separation between a special and day-to-day stuff. But you also just have to be real. That's just not how people take in media now.

Yeah. No, it's true. There is— there's like putting out a podcast 3 times a week. I'm like, oh yeah, people are just watching it and then it's just gone forever. forever. And you don't want that to happen for something that is, you know, a lot more work was put into a special than just doing like, hey, this is just Wednesday in the middle of August.

Totally, totally. But, you know, whatever, man. If people enjoy it, it's funny. And sometimes we just have to do it for us.

Yeah, right.

Like even that Mission: Impossible thing, it's like it didn't make sense. But you know what? The way you motherfuckers get to buy an ice cream machine, it's like, how about I use some of the Netflix budget to pretend I'm Tom Cruise?

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. That's just fun to do. So why not? If you're gonna make it and be a dumbass, do dumb shit so the dumbasses that didn't make it could be like, at least somebody's doing it like me.

Yeah, spend your money on—

I don't know what investing is. Yeah, I went into a harness with a bad back because I wanted to pretend I was Ethan Hunt, right?

Yeah, sometimes I find myself— I do stuff just because 13-year-old me would have wanted me to spend the money. I bought a double-neck guitar. Yes, I was like, when I was 13, This would have kicked ass.

Shredding, dude. Is it a V?

No, it's not the Flying V. I thought about that. It's the SG.

Love that. That's beautiful.

Yeah, we got an El Camino because when I was 13, I was like, that's the car. Sometimes it's good. It's good for your mental.

No, it's also like, I mean, let's not be realistic here. Like, all 3 of us have been successful and made money that we never imagined to make. What would be like, would you want me to talk about like, oh yeah, I put— I invested my money and now it's making money, or be like, hey, he bought a truck off from the bills that he pisses in now.

By the way, I like to say for the record, I have never invested anything. I just have a bunch of money. I just have a bunch of money and I buy stuff.

Do you have a savings account?

I have a savings account. Recently I got 2 or 3 different bank accounts. It always used to be in like one checking account until so recently.

High interest at least?

I think so.

That sounds like maybe not.

Whatever, man. Who gives a fuck? I think it's nice to not know what to do with money.

Yeah, it does give you a very, like, great— if you ever get caught, like, or like in trouble with the IRS, be like, listen, I really just put my money there.

Yeah, that's all.

It stayed there.

No, it's all— it's all my money is tied up in Dave Buster's gift cards right now. Uncle Sam ain't got to know about those.

All right.

Last thing. So everyone, please do watch. Please watch the special out Tuesday, September 8th. Prediction for the Ravens. You know what? Give us— yes, obviously Super Bowl.

We're winning the Super Bowl. Of course we're in the Super Bowl.

But let's go realistic. I'm not gonna hold you to it.

Like, it's—

it's—

I think we get 11 wins.

Okay.

Yeah. And then I think we're winning the Super Bowl.

Oh, you are?

Yes.

Okay.

What the fuck? You don't think you're winning the Super Bowl?

No, I think the—

I don't know.

The Bears defense sucks.

Stop it.

If you at this moment in time are saying the Bears defense sucks, This is the moment right before the season, don't think your team is winning the Super Bowl, you're a fucking piece of shit. This is the moment where hope springs eternal. Yeah, I know, I just—

But aren't you also like, yeah, I actually do think we're winning the Super Bowl, we just have to score 70 points.

Well, you're not because you suck, but we will because we're awesome. So, but that's how everyone should think.

Yeah.

And right now, of course it's fucking awesome. We, we— I do think Minter's gonna be fucking great. I do think like, you know, uh, just give us— give Lamar another shot. He's so good. To me, it's always like he's cool. I've said it a bunch of times. He's cool Peyton Manning to me where it's like he will just keep giving him shots. He's awesome. It's going to fucking happen.

And so I think Peyton Manning won his first Super Bowl like right around the age of Lamar and Josh Allen right now.

Yeah, exactly.

I think it's, I think there, I think like again, Lamar is due. You don't have to lump him in with inferior talents. Okay. Lamar is the best in the fucking league. And I do think like we have an, if your team is a contender and you don't think at this, this date right now, early September, you're going to win, why even fucking watch?

No, I think— why is that? I think I actually thought the Bears were going to win the Super Bowl before free agency and then we didn't do anything for the defensive line. And I was like, well, fuck, that didn't get better.

That's true.

That's true.

Would you rather that Patrick Mahomes wins another Super Bowl or Josh Allen gets one?

Oh, good question.

I'm not a hater. Josh Allen. Absolutely. I think like, first of all, Buffalo, I respect that fan base. I think Josh Allen's awesome, but I do think, and again, it's a team game. That's the other thing. It's like everybody gets on these quarterbacks, but you know, our defense, our defense, did our defense, has our defense historically done that well for Lamar? Not really. He gets all the, in the playoffs, he gets, you know, everyone shits on him and absolutely he's made a couple mistakes here and there, but you know, I could see, I'd be happy for Josh if it happened. If it's not us, I'd be happy for the Bills.

That's it. I appreciate that answer. I'm just saying the danger that you run into is The previous generation had their Dan Marino that now everybody says like Dan Marino and everyone instantly thinks— they don't think about how awesome he was. It's just like, oh yeah, he, he never won anything.

But they do. But this does go hand in hand with how awesome he is.

It does.

It does.

That's true. But now like Lamar and Josh are both kind of protected because they, they both kind of had— have had their hopes and dreams killed by the big bad wolf.

Right.

Patrick Mahomes. Then if there's just one of those guys left, then that's the guy that really kind of has to wear that.

But it's a long— it's Lamar's whole career. We have a long time. You can't let yourself— I'm not going to let my life be dictated by fucking Stephen A. Smith style narratives. You know what I mean? Like, Lamar is so fucking awesome. He will win. But if he doesn't win, like, he has given me— Lamar has right now given my life more enjoyment than a Super Bowl winning quarterback has given other teams. Right? I have had more positive moments overall, and I will in my life, than, you know, even one great Super Bowl run that comes out of nowhere. Like the Nick Foles Super Bowl run, for example. Nick Foles, yeah, that was an insane thing, and fuck the Patriots, that was awesome. It will live on forever. But more over time, Lamar has given me more joy than he— than Nick Foles has given Philadelphia Eagles fans. Truly, I really believe that. And we have to stop being rings only.

Mm-hmm.

That is not me getting ahead of him never winning. He is going to win. I'm telling that to you guys. I'm telling that to you guys because these are the kinds of things you're gonna have to—

No, we— I agree with you. I always say that you gotta— the, the ride, if you can't enjoy the ride, it's the honesty.

The point, it's getting your dick sucked by Calypso. Yeah, you know what I mean? I've been getting my dick sucked by Calypso a lot.

You've been eating lotuses.

I've been eating lotus. That's fine. Lotus is awesome. I don't fucking need to get home. No, but not everybody gets home. Yeah, Robert Pattinson might fuck my wife. I don't care. I'm having Lotus and Eden fucking, getting pussy from Calypso.

Yeah, but no, the moments. It's like the Bears beat the Packers in the playoffs last year. I was at the game. I floated out of that stadium and like, oh, like, for, you know, first time, act like you've been there. It's like, no, dude, this is— you have to celebrate these moments.

I haven't been there before. Like, that's the thing. I don't want to act like— why the fuck should I have decorum as a fan?

Yeah, I'm here.

I'm fucked up. I've eaten 40 buffalo wings. I'm making my— everyone in my life around me is mad at me. I'm gonna enjoy this Sunday.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

Like, what the fuck?

Your description of like what is failure and what— that's pretty much— that's what Giannis said.

Remember that? Exactly.

Well, he was a pussy for that.

No, he wasn't.

Fuck you.

Shut the fuck up. God, I'm glad the Bulls will never be good again. Ever.

I think it's never ever.

It was like sometimes it's good to lose and not win.

Yeah.

Giannis.

Yeah.

A little more interesting. Is a champion is a fucking Finals MVP, had one of the most incredible ceiling performances and plays in NBA history, and conquered his demons. How many fucking free throws did he hit on that clinching game? So I don't hear a fucking bad word about Giannis Antetokounmpo, thank you very much. But I also think—

Also throws his poop toilet paper in the trash can.

I got a hunch, I got a hunch the places in Athens that Giannis is, they got real plumbing.

Okay, okay.

I got a hunch he's graduated to real plumbing. There's a couple buildings that they tell— they don't tell most people about. Giannis knows about it.

I don't think that body is equipped. Like, there's no trash can in Greece that can handle that.

Yeah.

They'd be like— people would be like robbing it like the Travis Kelce Taylor Swift trash outside the Westin. Grabbing Giannis's poop toilet paper.

They're like, oh, fuck, Andrew Santino's napkin.

This sucks. Oh, man. All right, Stobby, you're the best. Always great catching up with you, man.

I know.

We love having you on.

Come back. Come to Stobby's World. Come do the new studio when that's done. Please hit me up.

Yeah, dude.

Hell yeah. Thank you, boys. Uncle Stav on Netflix, September 8th.

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Okay, let's wrap up. We've got Firefest of the Week and we also have breaking news.

Brought up the Sydney Sweeney dress during Breaking News.

Breaking News.

A lot of milk thoughts.

Breaking News. Henry Lockwood in a clean sweep has defeated, defeated Zach in the Mount Rushmore duel. Hank, congratulations. There will be no punishment for you. Zach, there will be a punishment for you. We still haven't decided it. I actually was thinking about it, PFT. And this is Hank. I would have done the same punishment.

for you.

I think Zach should have to fly to a city and take a random girl out on a date.

That sounds— yeah, maybe like a— what city's been in the news a lot today?

Oh, the Clippers. So where do they play? LA?

Yeah.

Yeah, I deserve to get punished. It was a bad showing today. Hank absolutely boat raced me.

Dude, that was so bad. Was it? What were the actual final clean—

I thought maybe you had names.

Names.

I thought names you had to The Muhammad crew didn't— Muhammad crew was not— was not there for you, Zach.

Brutal.

In the Mount Rushmore of dumb things you think, Hank won 57%. In the Mount Rushmore of worst lines to wait in, Hank won 79.9%, which that was— we predicted that. And then Mount Rushmore of names, Hank won 68.2%.

Pretty convincing.

Sweet.

Yeah.

Do you have a—

oh, Zach, what? I didn't—

he—

that's not how you spell Davante. You, you approved that spelling.

Yeah, I'm never here. I'm— I won't— I probably won't be a guy who tries to get at somebody else's spelling. I just let it roll.

Okay. All right. That might have— that might have cost you a percentage. You still would have lost.

Yeah, I still would have got absolutely shit pumped.

Do you remember Zach approved Well, here's the bad part about it is he approved DEV from the guy that does the best A's in the business. Yeah. You could have turned down one of Shane's A's. Yeah.

Tiger being on there and still winning by an overwhelming majority is very funny.

Feels good.

I do.

It does feel bad, you know, because me and Zach were partners this year. Oh yeah, that's true.

That was actually fitting. You guys were the worst team.

But I, I, I, if I'm not going to do the date, obviously, but if Zach, if the punishment ends up being some type of stream or something, I will, I will commit to half.

All right.

I'm looking at Zach's Mount Rushmore here. It's got right in the middle Muhammad and Drew. Zach, nobody's ever Drew Muhammad and gotten away with it.

Oh, Zach.

Way to be in the Coliseum today, Hank. You're a hell of an opponent. Yeah.

Do you have any message out there for either the haters that said Hank couldn't do it, or maybe the people that have supported Hank throughout the last couple shows?

No, I mean, the haters were right. I'm— it's become clear to me I'm not great at Mount Rushmore, but we didn't come in last. That's the goal. It's not about coming in first, it's about not coming in last. So we accomplished our goal, and we now— we got time to reboot and get in the lab and And continue with this momentum going into next year. I'm going to be the freshest next year.

Why the freshest?

Because you got— or like, I'm going to be the most, most—

No, the opposite of the freshest.

I'm going to be second.

You guys are going to be the— I'm going to be the least rusty.

Okay.

Yeah.

But you're not going to be fresh.

You'll be maybe worn out from a long postseason.

Yeah. No, least rusty.

Like you had— I've been, I've been taking care of my body for 3 weeks now. And you, you're just getting to the offseason.

Right.

So I'll be, I'll be tuned up, ready to go.

Yeah.

I don't think that's going to take you a few miles to get, to get warmed up.

Got it.

Got it. We'll come up with something, some different shit for next year. We got a—

I had a couple ideas today.

Yeah.

I also got a bunch of like really good submissions today when I asked online. So, well, Zach, maybe farm the, my mentions for that.

I can do that.

Yes, sir.

There's a lot.

Definitely save for next year. Wanted to do the Mount Rushmore tricks, but I think that would have been tough for you guys off the top of your head.

When you go to a massage place by— I want to be on there.

Absolute okie-doke.

1080.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a good one. Statue of Liberty.

1080. Got your nose.

Fumble, fumble ruski.

Yeah.

Got your nose. Good one.

Rabbit out of a hat.

Yeah.

Oh, flea flicker.

O's just in general?

Yeah.

You got somebody?

Oh, I almost fell for that right now.

Yeah, that was a good one.

Oh, shoes untied.

Uh, Hank, your Fyre Fest.

Yeah, this is a Wednesday. We talked about the grudge match. I put Big Cat, Whitney, and Dave on my hot seat.

Mm-hmm.

3 versus 3 scramble.

You're pretty confident.

I was confident. I was, I was, I was trying to just drum up, you know, drum it up. I was, I was confident, but like, I was, I was trying to trying to, you know, promote the grudge because there wasn't really a grudge otherwise.

No, it was very weird to have a grudge match against 2 of my best friends.

Speak for yourself.

Yeah, so I was, I was just trying to, you know, get, get some, get some chatter going, get some, get some, some tension rising, thinking it was gonna be a close match. I switched to lefty thinking— and, and this was like the perfect time. Like, I was like, by the time, you know, end of the summer, like, I should be in a good spot lefty. That was the goal going into it. Yesterday I had the chance to prove it, a chance to get an auto invite to the Invitational next year. And if we lost, I'm not in for 10 years. And, and we just got boat raced. I played horrible. It was, it was a bad showing. We missed— I think we missed on 5 holes, we missed putts that were less than 10 feet. I think all 3 of us—

I think we missed 9 in a row, 7-foot putts.

Yeah, so it was, it was, it was bad. I was in a bad place last night. I've woken up and just realized it's not that serious and life moves on. But it was good. I was, I was, I was down bad.

You're down bad.

You're down really bad. I have a question for you, Hank.

Yeah.

What do you say to the haters that are saying that they were right?

Right about what?

Just you sucking at golf. I don't do better at golf. I've seen you play golf. You don't suck.

Yeah, but on camera, I'm horrible. That, that's just like, that's, that's there's 4 or 5 years straight of evidence of that where it's like I play much worse than I can play or have played off camera. That's something I got to deal with. And I also think it's probably true that I should be better at golf for how much golf I play. I don't even— I can't— I wish I could defend that fact, but we've gotten in that. And for, you know, the first few months, I'm like, I just started playing lefty, but like I've now played enough rounds, practiced enough, like I should be I should have advanced more than I have. So it's like that. That's true. That's just something I got to—

I got to— So the haters are right.

You could say it.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It's okay. Sometimes it's like, hey, guess what, haters? You got it right. Yeah, but this isn't the doubters.

It's not the end of the story.

No, it's not the end of the story.

It's just the beginning.

Motivation. Yeah. Start a championship DVD.

You have 10 years to get good enough to be in the Invitational.

It's the end of one chapter.

I still think that we should appeal Dave's no invite to Invitational for 10 years, and as a lefty you're banned, but as a righty, who's to say?

Yeah, that's a different person, right? But also that the thing that I realized too, which is like, I, based on how I played yesterday, like if I had played in the Invitational and did that, I would be 20— that would be much worse than losing, you know, the grudge match.

Yeah.

So, and that's what would have happened.

Yeah, in the grudge match it was very funny because going back and watching watching it, only 2 balls got pulled out of a cup for the entire game, and one was a, a long chip-in by Whitney. I think Whit made another putt, or somebody made another putt, maybe it was Dave, uh, but only 2 times did the ball go into the hole. Uh, the putts that we missed, we should have made at least 2 of them. Gotta make 2 out of those 3.

The one that you guys all missed the exact same way, that was the— that was where it was like— because I kept on saying, watching back.

It's tricky, tricky pin locations.

Tricky pin locations. I, as much as it was a grudge match, people will be shocked to hear this. I didn't have any animosity towards the team we were playing. And I kept on saying when we get to the cart, like Dave kept on saying, hey, the match is over, the match is over. I was like, no, no, they're going to make a putt. They're going to make a putt. And Dave just kept saying, no, they're not. They suck. And he turned out to be correct on that day.

Letting down Coach Gruden, too, is probably the worst part. Like, there's no one that you want to perform for better, like kind of step up in a big moment and show you can be someone and to just time and time again not do that. And he's, you know, a lot older than us and we were like relying on him so much that, that hurt the most. PFT.

Yeah.

I've let down before. I let down again. Like Coach Gruden, he's old. That, that, that hurts.

It does hurt. And watching— it's very mean that we've just had a replay of all the missed putts cycling this entire time. We've been talking about it.

I thought it was one at one point. I thought it was like the same replay. No, these are different holes.

It was also 135 degrees.

There are a couple of very funny missed putts where the ball, it's going in and then it almost like develops a mind of its own. It puts a juke move on the hole. It goes, what?

Yeah. Shout out to Streamsong, though.

Unbelievable boneyard.

Unbelievable course. Unbelievable spot.

Crazy. County, Florida. Yeah. Again, sorry, Zach. Probably should have taken you. No, literally in your house.

My, my buddy served Hank a beer yesterday and he said— or a drink yesterday and he said, that there was nothing behind those eyes.

Oh, that was after. Yeah, that was before we got on the flight. Yeah, I was, I was, I was, I was down bad.

Yeah, bad spot. It's okay. We move on. We turn the page.

Thanks. So back in the car to the plane, he goes, I got, I got to reevaluate everything. Yeah, it's true. I was like, hey, it's okay. He's like, I have to reevaluate everything.

I was having a full-blown identity crisis because I played bad golf. Yeah. And then I kind of woke up today, I was like, just—

that was an overreaction.

Yeah, you played bad golf on camera. Yeah, so what?

Yeah, we build. We all suck.

That's the thing. No, Winnie's so—

oh no, Winnie's obviously awesome.

Winnie is so good.

Yeah.

Hey, Gruden was good too. We just gave him nothing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fun day though. Grudge match.

It was fun.

Can't wait for Grudge Match 2.

I don't know.

I don't think Dave's gonna be involved in Grudge Match.

Probably not.

I think it's called Grudge Match Because now afterwards we have a grudge. Now we have to settle it. Yeah.

Against the game of golf.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

We should invent some sort of scoring system where, Hank, you don't compete against anybody else. You just compete against whatever, like, the score should be.

Yeah.

You log it and try to get—

you try to beat that.

Yeah.

Grudge.

Fine.

Tomorrow.

Back.

Yeah. You got to get back on that horse.

One thing about Hank, you can't be thinking about getting bucked. One bad— one bad golf outing. It's not going to stop him. him from golfing, he's gonna get back on that horse.

Yeah, that's the only way. The only way out is through.

Only way.

I gotta conquer my demons, Batman.

Yeah.

Okay.

Similar. It's basically Hank and I had a shared Fyre Fest this week, which is getting beaten golf on camera. And it's not fun.

No.

But we, yeah, we ran through that. It's, it was more of a mental game because you just start thinking, you start doing the math and you say it's not over yet. Well, it's not over yet.

The rules also made it impossible for it to ever end. I think there was one point where we were—

you were up 5 with 6 or up 6 with 5 to go and it wasn't over.

I think we were up— I think we were up 5 with 3 to go and it wasn't.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, what the fuck is happening? We were up 7 with 4 to go at one point and then up 5 with 3 to go. I was like, this— we're just never getting out of this.

It quite literally could have been— it would have been the biggest comeback in the history of golf.

Yeah.

Because nobody else has ever been down 7 with 5 holes left to go.

Yeah.

And then pulled that off. So, yeah, it was, you know, missed opportunity. But again, Hank, it's, it's one round to go. There's always more golf.

Yeah.

Always more.

Always more golf.

Yeah.

But yeah, that's, that's pretty much it. The other Fyre Fest was from last week where it was right after we recorded the show that I engaged in violence against a coworker. And I'd like to apologize to said coworker for that. We moved on as a friend. We shook hands. But every man has a line that you can't cross. My line is 2 eggs. If you throw 1 egg at me, I'll turn the—

I'll turn communist.

And the communist is fine. Like, we can talk shit. Yeah. But if you—

so you are—

if you throw 1 egg at me, I will turn my cheek. If you throw 2 eggs, I've run out of cheeks to turn.

I also—

I was— so, so we're talking about Camp Barstow. stool, PFT, uh, bodying Rico. Great, great push. I, I went to Saratoga right after, and, and Dave asked me, he was like, was that, was that real anger? I said, here's the thing, the camera saw 2 eggs. What the camera didn't see was 3 nights of Rico snoring, sleep talking, farting. Not saying that like, like we, we disliked him, but it will put— it will push a man to its— to their edge.

Yeah.

I said, we're basically like POWs in the— in that cabin with him. By day 3, you're like, you're seeing shit and you're, you know, you don't know what's going on.

Rico got fragged.

Yeah.

No, it was, uh, it was more like the egg all over my legs. And so the second egg I did, there was anger behind it.

Yes.

But only in those like 2 seconds. I kind of blacked out. I didn't even think about it as I was running up to him. Some people online were like, uh, cheap shot because Rico turned his back. I think that you— there's no such thing as a cheap shot if you throw 2 eggs at somebody and then you turn around.

Coward move by Rico to turn around. I would say that people could say—

I would never say that.

But we're writers.

I just— I blacked out and then I hit the guy and then now we're friends.

Shout out Lugs.

It was a pretty good hit, if I don't— if I do say so myself.

It's nice.

The human body craves contact and I haven't hit a guy like that since I retired from rugby in 2015. It feels good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right. My Fyre Fest kind of related to the grudge match, which, you know, Listen, it was fun going out there. We love DraftKings. We get paid to go golf with our friends. But the one downside of it was we were gone on Wednesday, got back late Wednesday night, and I missed the Pugs winning a championship, which I'm really using this as a vehicle. Memes Shane, congratulations. What a night. They not only won a championship, But beat Quackenballs on the way there and beat them with a walk-off. Fuck yes, boys.

Congrats.

I'm so— I was getting those texts and I was just like, fuck, man, I wish I had been there because it seemed like the best night. 3 games. Memes, you want to say anything? You're barely walking today. Memes doing a little extra limp in front of me to let me know, like, hey, you know, like, I played 3 games of softball last night, which he deserves.

Yeah.

That's like like the fastest I've ran in the championship game, like, in a while. I left it all out on the field.

I love it. Thing about Memes is he does— Memes moves quickly when he has to.

Yeah.

Pugs finished, I think, like Mr.

Miyagi, 14-3 in the, in the, in the summer. We had 2 seasons, 14-3 overall.

It's really 14-2. We had to forfeit the semifinals in the spring because there was a million rainouts and it was during vacation week.

Ah, yeah, that's right.

I think I do have to start asking about, about Max and Big Cat.

Yeah, sure. I wasn't there.

What should we ask?

Just like, I don't know, you know, look, look at the, look at the salaries, look at everything going into next year. And it's like, is this—

Well, I'm a negative salary because I pay for the league.

But yeah.

So you're saying that like if a, if a really good team, if they won a championship And they had one player that was out and then other players stepped up and like won MVP.

Yeah.

Then they should then get rid of the player that was out.

Fair.

I'm just asking you guys, do you start to have to start asking questions?

It kills me I wasn't there. If I'm not on the team next year, if I'm not on the team next year, I totally understand.

We're all champions though.

Now, I didn't, I didn't play in any losses this year. Either.

True.

So I think it probably was like 8-0 or something. But yeah, that sucked. That sucked.

It was— I mean, I played in part 1 of the summer. I didn't play in part 2, but I was like, damn, like, I—

it looked awesome.

I wish I was there.

Yeah. Some 3 games, super hot night, like the boys battling. Congrats to the Pugs. Incredible, incredible season.

Was the celebration like—

Oh man, celebration was good. We just did one round. because it was super late.

Yeah, it was like 11 o'clock.

I heard you almost passed out in the bar, Memes.

I did. I was wearing 2 shirts. It was 100 degrees.

Jesus, Memes, you got to—

why were you wearing 2 shirts?

The titties and the— it was the championship shirt. So I had that on over the Pug shirt.

That's cool. Maybe a banner.

I feel like you should just— I said this earlier, like, get us— get just a picture of Pug.

Yeah.

And hang it in the rafters.

Mm-hmm. Let's get some It was 3 super competitive games though. Won the first game by 1. We had an hour break in between, so we got to watch the Cock and Balls. First game, we thought we were gonna get smoked. They were all wearing cutoffs, probably take steroids. Like, they, they demolished a team before, won by 20. We end up walking them off 1 by 1. And then championship game, we ended up run-rolling.

Oh, that's the best. It was like, it wasn't even a— it was a noncompetitive championship game, so you could like really enjoy it.

No, it was super competitive. Oh wait, until the 4th inning.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, their pitcher hit a grand slam, put it up 3, like they were going nuts. And then bottom of the inning, we hit a grand slam, then we started going nuts, and then we rallied from there.

Fuck yes.

Was there a celebration on the field? Dogpile?

Yeah, we were just chanting Rick's.

Nice.

The strip club in Chicago. We were promised by our coach Quigs that he would take us there. Yeah.

If we won, I'll pay for it.

And did he?

He did not. He said he would just pay for a round.

Shane, how'd you play?

The whole, the whole squad played, played great.

This is probably the oldest I've ever felt.

Is the oldest you've ever been?

Yeah. Well, true.

But like, I don't—

the—

my body is no longer meant for the tripleheader in 95-degree heat.

It was—

I'm really hurting.

Bolt up.

I'm bolting up still.

It sounds like you're less than bolted.

That the break in between games in that heat, that's like your body shuts down.

Yeah.

And then you have to get loose again.

I guess it should be— as much as I was like, I had such intense FOMO and was sad I wasn't there, I should probably be a little happy because I I think there's a 95% chance I would have gotten an injury, right? As the oldest guy on the team by far, I would have— I think my body would not have been able to handle that.

Probably.

There are a lot of injuries.

Because like when we went to camp, we played 3 games in a row and I was sore for a week. That wasn't a break. And also camp wasn't as competitive.

In the 3 games we played, there were probably 4 hamstring injuries and 2 other Ankle injury.

So you may have dodged a bullet.

Yeah.

There's nothing better than getting out there with the boys.

Nothing.

Like, it's— the injuries suck when you get older, but it's still worth it to get out there and have some fun with the guys.

War wounds.

Yeah.

I do wish everyone was there, though.

I know.

I felt— I felt bad.

Yeah.

Texting afterwards.

No, I loved it. I was living vicariously through you guys. It's Jack McCarthy's fault.

Yeah.

He decided to do the grudge match on a Wednesday knowing we have softball. And like, I think I, I think I got home after the first game and I was like, I can't show up mid-playoffs to like you guys playing. That would be weird. So good job. Congrats, Pugs.

Pugs.

I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get it. I'm, I'm gonna get a ring and I'll, I'll put it in my closet and never wear it because like I don't want someone to see me wearing the ring and be like, oh, how'd the championship game go? Be like, Oh, well, grudge match. You don't—

you don't understand.

You know, I still think a banner is the way to go. Yeah, it should be celebrated. We should look back on this.

Agreed. Zach, finish us off.

My favorite this week is just—

well, I can't say that. You know, he doesn't like that.

My bad.

He's about to walk out.

It's just—

Zach, you want to do a happy ending on the show?

I got you. My favorite this week is just that I mentally crumbled in this duel today. And not only the duel, really, just as soon as we went 1v1 won Mount Rushmore season.

You were so bad, dude.

It was disgusting. If you guys decide that you will have me for next season, I'm going to— in this offseason, I'm going to have to just get to it.

Yeah. Well, how would you get to it?

Just top 4s.

Just ripping top 4s.

Daily top 4. Just get the zone.

Zach, I, I don't want to say— I don't want to throw out any maybe malfeasance that was going on with the polls, but I do think the AWL wanted to see a duel and you might not have like retroactively Monday and Wednesday, you might not have had your strongest effort either.

I mean, it was just— oh, I was fine.

Yeah.

As soon as we hit 1v1v1, mental midget.

Yeah.

And I— my decisive-making powers are not very strong. I had better picks on the list some rounds and I just go— I just over and over again pick a worse— or worse is not a word— a bad pick.

It sounds like you almost need like you need a partner.

Yeah.

To help you with these things.

I think next year we at least have like decent idea of teams. Like if we wanted, if we did teams right now that were fair, it would probably be you and Max, Zach and Max, probably PFT and Memes and me and Hank. And that would be fair. So we can at least start from a fair point.

I'm worried I still have bad picks in me. I would think I may go home this weekend and just dump them all out. Just, just brainstorm all the bad picks out.

Can you tweet those please? So don't tweet what the Rushmore is.

Just the picks.

Just tweet all your bad picks.

I can do that.

With no context.

I gotta get him out of here.

Just a whole list of all your bad picks, no context to what they go to, and we'll guess. Actually, you know what, let's do this on Tuesday's show.

I actually think it'd be funny if like people sent you the Mount Rushmores that they want you to do and you do just custom Mount Rushmores for people publicly and show how bad your picks can be, like rapid-fire ones.

But I want— I want— so by the way, I think everyone knows we've been doing this schedule forever.

over.

But next week there's show Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday because we have Memorial Day. We're going to do a lot of college— or Labor Day. We're gonna do a lot of college football on Tuesday. Wednesday we'll get ready for NFL. Friday, regular NFL preview for week 1. So do what PFT said, but also before you have people— because that will happen on Friday when people will hear this— before Friday, I want you to make a list of all your bad picks and then On Monday, when we tape on Monday night, you'll read us the bad picks. We'll have to guess where they go to, what Mount Rushmore they go to.

And these picks are in the future, so it could be good picks.

Yeah, probably not.

I'll just throw it out there, you know.

Yeah, just make a list of like 30 picks and we'll decide what the Mount Rushmore is.

Okay, so for one, do 30.

Like, give us one bad pick right now.

Uh, uh, yeah, Elephantitis.

Okay, uh, Mount Rushmore Rushmore of things that you don't want to get.

Yes.

Is that—

yeah, good pick though, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Kind of.

I think that's a disease that— does anyone even get that?

Yeah. You have to be in like a tough country. But yeah, you don't want it.

Actually, actually, no. Knowing how bad Zach is, although it would have been— it would have been the Mount Rushmore of titises. So Mark would have gone one. Yeah. And then Zach would have gone elephantitis.

That's good.

One's global, one's not.

Mark Titus. Yeah, he's pretty global.

Yeah, I was talking Mark Knightley.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mount Rushmore of Tituses.

Derma.

You would have fucked that up.

One more. One more.

Another Titus?

You know, no, another pick.

Oh, another pick. We'll go with Scream 3.

Okay.

Mount Rushmore of Jerry O'Connell movies.

Yes.

Okay.

That's really the only thing that movie's—

Mount Rushmore of trilogies.

No one watched it.

Yes.

Okay.

Oh, wait. So there— which, which topic were you doing when you said Scream 3?

I was just— I had Jerry on the brain, but we can pivot to trilogies if it's a better pick for trilogies.

That's good.

I gotta start padding stats.

Already showing improvement, willing to change.

Mount Rushmore of verbs and numbers.

What's on the Mount Rushmore of numbers 0 through 100, but you can only pick one of them.

10 and then 7, 99, 55.

Okay.

Okay.

Which one's your pick?

I'm gonna go with 55.

Okay, I'll go 3.

5.

99.

I go 8.

15.

I don't think Jerry O'Connell's in Scream 3. Oh, really?

What's he in?

I think he's in the first Scream.

Is it Scream 1?

That's why you burn the bad picks.

Scream 2.

Scream 2.

69.

Oh, 23.

So, so it was my Mount Rushmore. It was verbs and numbers. So like the first pick would have been jump 23, then he would have gone with Scream 3.

Wait, what?

The Mount Rushmore.

What Zach just did?

Yeah, he did. That was the Mount Rushmore he did. Scream 3.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, see what I'm saying? That would be the Mount Rushmore of verbs combined with numbers. You just said Scream 3.

Blink-182.

Yeah, right, that would have been a good one. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Self-profiting.

39.

Danny Woodhead. Anyone? Anyone?

Shout out Danny Woodhead. He was actually watching the Grudge Match yesterday.

Fuck yeah.

Probably very— he'll probably never come on the show again after he saw how bad we were at golf.

I forgot about that. I let him down too.

Yeah, we gotta get him on the show again.

Yeah.

What do we got? 72.

No one.

No one.

No one.

Happy Labor Day to all the moms out there, and happy birthday to Montez Sweat. Happy birthday to Mike Piazza. Not getting Happy birthday to Beyoncé and Anthony Weiner. Happy birthday to Bubba Liam. Big Bubba. Happy birthday, buddy. Happy birthday to Mac Jones. Happy birthday to Lance Stephenson. And happy birthday to my good friend. And I'll be celebrating with him on Saturday.

Jack Daniel's.

Love you guys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.