Transcript of NFL Week 1, Fastest 2 Minutes, Bills/Texans Thriller, Bears Drop A 50 Burger, Eagles vs Commanders Plus Who's Back Of The Week

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Stella Blue Coffee is more than just great coffee. It's coffee with a purpose. Introducing We Brew to Rescue, a nationwide campaign using proceeds from our new ready-to-drink cans to help fund 1,000 pet adoptions this year. Every can you crack open helps a real pet find a real home. Simple as that. Made with 100% Colombian coffee, each 11-ounce can delivers smooth, drinkable energy with a boost of protein. Available in Espresso Cafe Mocha and Espresso Sweet Cream. Built for mornings, long days, and everything in between. Drink Stella Blue, fuel your day, and help save a pet's life. You can follow our progress in real time throughout the campaign by watching the adoption tracker on our site. Grab yours now at stellabluecoffee.com, Amazon, and select retailers nationwide. On today's part of my take presented by DraftKings, it is week 1 in the NFL. We just watched 12 hours of football and we're here to recap all of it. We're going to start as always with fastest 2 minutes. It is back. Then we're going to recap every single game.

We're going to talk about every single game. We had Bills-Texans game that was phenomenal overtime in Detroit after Tyler Schuck woke up. The Bears scored 59 points. The Commanders and Eagles played to a kind of exciting game towards the end. And we had the Giants announce that they might be back on Sunday Night Football. We're going to talk about all of it. We're going to also do who's back of the week. And it is all brought to you by our friends at YouTube TV. Guys, the NFL season is finally here. And if you're like me, your Sunday revolves entirely around making sure you don't miss a single snap of the action. Why limit yourself to one game on Sunday? You should be in total command, seeing every big play and every touchdown across the entire league right there on your big screen. But thank God for NFL Sunday Ticket and YouTube TV. It literally gets you every game every Sunday, plus features like multi-view. So you can watch up to 4 games at once. You can just lock in and watch the game unfold without missing a thing. And get this, for new users, it's just 8 payments of $30 a month.

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Hey, football guy.

Martino.

AWM.

Barnum Mindset.

Yeah. Barnum Mindset.

Yeah.

Barnum Mindset.

Yay.

Barnum Mindset.

Welcome to Part of My Take presented by DraftKings. The crown is yours. Today is Monday, September 14th, week 1.

Welcome back to the 2026 NFL league year.

Oh, some spread. We start in the Queen City where Ben Johnson was king. As Caleb Robin Williams said, it's not your fault if you doubt this fire, but you'll end up looking like Patch Adams with a clown nose. It came from all angles. As DeAndre Taylor Swift said, I've felt a hole like this never before and ever since. She was talking about some stupid breakup chick shit, TJ. DeAndre was talking about 124 yards and Even Kyle— now here's a Manonguy— got in on the action, rushing for 100 yards as the Carolina defense looked like a bunch of pussycats all afternoon. It wasn't all bad for the Panthers though, as Bryce— forever young, I wanna be forever young— played fast and had a good business plan utilizing Coker multiple times in the afternoon, like they were playing a little pitch and catch in the Penn State Delta Upsilon backyard.

You mean Stay Finn Boom?

State Pen, in the Summer of Burgers, it was the Bears posting one of their own. Bears 59, Panthers 37. Woof woof!

We go up to Detroit, Michigan, where Jared Kushner Goff was trying to negotiate the reopening of the Strait of More Dudes, as all the fellas were calling out, mine, mine, mine, every time the ball was in the air, and Gibbs was saying, I ran for 156 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Lions pass catchers of St.

Brown, LaPorta, and Jameson had the Saints defense over a barrel. And if all that money spent on offense seems a little crude, just switch to the always electric Tesla.

Chase, we are young, had a lot of fun, period, but didn't count on Goff trying his very best to throw the fumble forward, ending up with the most productive sack ever besides maybe my good friend Philip Rivers.

The second half turned into a street fight as Tyler Duck If You Suck was out for blood with the rest of the crime mob.

It was a ludicrous second half with Saints tight end I Want to Know What You're Fannin' A See scored a touchdown and the Saints come marching back forcing overtime. The Lions scored first giving the Saints a chance to win with the ball as they score a touchdown and go for 2.

Incomplete! As Kellen, in the name of Moore, said, fuck you, I won't do what you tell me. Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me. Some of those with fat asses are the same who drop passes. As the Saints fall just short on the road. Lions win 31-30.

Saints, don't go marching.

And we head to Meadowlands where Memes— or no, we head to Nashville where Memes was there to see his Jets start 1-0.

In Nashville, Aaron Glennon and the Jets took on Robert Saleh and the boys. Omar Kamara Cooper set up Kenyan Cheekin Sadiq with no hands for the rookie's first NFL touchdown. Geno, know who you're messing with, Holmes-Smith. And the New York Jets were finding a way to exploit a hooker in the secondary. Jets kicking game got off to a rough start until— No, Jason Colonel Sanders, you're wrong for not believing in yourself and hitting 2 50-plus-yard field goals in the second half to extend the lead to a 3-score game. Cam Warden Norton thought this year would be his Shawshank Redemption, only to be revealed at the end that there was a gaping hole in his asshole chiseled out by the Jets defense behind a poster of Rita Hayworth. The Titans offense was so bad, new first-round pick Carnell Ohio State was screaming, just take me off the field if you're not gonna throw it to me! Jets spoiled Robert Saleh's Titans debut. Jets 23, Titans 10.

Great job, memes. We head to Cincinnati where Zach was there to see his Bucs. In Cincinnati, the Tampa Bay Bucs go full Tampa Bay cuck mode early on, taking a seat in the corner as they watch Demetrius night-night sleep tight, don't let the turnovers bite, recover a fumble and take it to the crib. Shortly after, Chase Milly Bobby Brown goes all upside down. from 5 yards out as he uses telekinetic fury to split the Bucs defense and remind them that scoreboards don't lie. In the second half, putting an end to the age-old question, would you rather Josiah Trotter or a thot daughter? It's Trotter up on the score. After Mojo Jojo Burrow throws it like a Total Powerpuff Girl, turning over the ball, Trotter scuba's his way into the end zone, no goggles, for 6 points. But unfortunately for some, Burrow and the Bengals bring it around town and secure the secret formula for the win as they sing. F is for fumble 4 times a game. U is for under pressure. N is for nobody in the backfield. Could the Bucs get a stop?

No, never.

Bengals 33, Bucs 27. Great job, Zach! We now head to Indianapolis where Hank was there for Ravens-Cults.

In Indianapolis where the roof was closed.

Jonathan Taylor Swift, uh, started things off in the first quarter when he ran the B in the EZ and said, hi Ravens D, it's me, I'm the problem, it's me. Lamar Michael Jackson responded, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a 5-yard carry turn into a touchdown to take a 1-point lead. Derrick Henry Lockwood started right and then cut back left for a 4-yard score. And then Zay was smoking purple flowers, huh? It was burning his chest, but not enough to stop him from breaking a 54-yard touchdown reception to give the Ravens a huge lead.

Derrick Henry Cavill said, Superman that hoe, now watch me yooooo on the way to the end zone for his second score. And the Ravens go flocking, 41-23.

Thanks, Hank. In Pittsburgh, there was a Sunday Warrior mean, mean stride. Today's starting quarterback, Mean Mean Pride, as Cooper Rush took the field for the Falcons, lifting— looking to victory kneel Pert at the end of the game. Nowadays everybody want to talk like they got something to say, but nothing comes out when they move the lips. Just a bunch of gibberish. Motherfuckers act like they forgot about TJ as Watt absolutely wrecked the game when it Marshall Mathered the most in the 4th quarter, taking a pick back for 6 and sealing a Steelers victory. Darnell Washington laid the Shailene Woodley and fucked the guy with a stiff arm right in front of Aaron Rodgers. But all is good in Pittsburgh as Rodgers and Mike McCarthy are back to being happily married couple, and the Steelers start 1-0. Steelers 20, Falcons 13.

What? What?

We go down to Houston, Texas, where the Buffalo Bills haven't won since 2006 when Big Cat and PFT were still in college and the iPhone hadn't been invented yet. Man, those guys are old. The Bills have a completely different look with Joe Tom Brady giving this franchise a complete facelift, and Josh Allen, much like Shaquille O'Neal, is always looking to DJ Moore.

The Texans offense looked back in sharp form as star of David Montgomery showed his ability to have 6 points.

And no matter what common sense tells you, Nico Collinsy Clancy is not at fault for this loss, according to his usually insane team defense that gave up 400 yards. The Texans had the ball at closing time, and on the final drive, CJ Stroud put your hands up and Stroud held on to the ball a little too soft now, a little too soft now, throw your hands up and Stroud— CJ! CJ! Loses!

And no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills! Bills 35, Texans 31! To Philadelphia with Max and the Eagles.

We head over to Philadelphia where Dontavian Meow Mix got things going early on a deep ball that had Mikey Sanders still looking like a little pussycat. The Commanders punt team was busy and their gunner Tyler Owens-Wilson had one of the coolest plays in the NFL today that had everyone saying, wow. The Commanders defense kept them in the game, in large part by Sonny and Cher Styles telling the rest of the team, I got you, babe, as he dominated the entire game. But in the end, it was Dallas Buyers Club Goedert fucking the Commanders defense so hard that he may have given them AIDS as he scored his second tudd that ended up being the game winner. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know what, Magic?

Whoa, Boom! Hey, Boom, you know Magic Johnson is a part owner of the Magic— Dear, dear friend.

That is true.

I don't know why I started doing Obama.

But look, let's be clear.

Age is nothing to joke about.

I love cigarettes. It's okay. Back to you, Boom.

Eagles 24, Commanders 22.

Standing on the corner, Jameis Winston in Hoboken.

Such a fine sight to see.

It's Skyydaboo, my lord, and he's looking to score, and they're throwing touchdowns to Likely.

We all knew it, the Cowboys screwed it, just like when Hank went to your playoff game and blew it.

You blew it, Hanky!

Giants 28, Cowboys 20, and that Was the fastest 2 minutes of week 1 in the NFL and is brought to you by our friends at Chevy. Football season is here, and whether you're grinding through the week or gearing up for kickoff, there's one ride that's always game ready. It's the Chevy Silverado. There's a reason Chevy's called the heartbeat of America, and Silverado keeps that heartbeat strong. Whether you're towing, hauling, or tailgating, Silverado lets you show up strong and tackle any task. with best-in-class standard torque, the most functional bed, and the advanced tech that's football guy approved. Check out current offers on the 2026 Chevy Silverado at chevy.com. Okay, week 1 in the books.

Mostly.

Mostly. We got the Giants and Cowboys starting their second half, which we will talk about at the end after Dak Prescott— what the fuck are you doing— interception to end the first half that ended up in Giants points. Giants, Giants look live. They're there. They— it feels like they got some juice to them.

Yeah.

That's good, you know, the electricity in the building. But Week 1 in the books, boys. It was an incredible Week 1. There were so many points. It was great to have football back. It was bad— I actually— did you see any tweets, uh, PFT, about RedZone being broken right as Week 1 was about to start? Because I, I saw a couple of those, and we're lucky enough to have a setup where we have all the games in front of us and we don't have to watch on RedZone. But I'd like to just say that if RedZone was broken for even like 1 minute of the start of week 1, that might be one of the worst things to ever happen to anyone.

So it could be broken. If it's going to be broken, I think the first couple of minutes is fine. No, because there are no touchdowns.

No, but you need it. Like, that's the moment we've all been waiting for. I like that. That's the moment that we're like, hey, we're here.

Zero.

Yeah, that's a good moment. If it just honestly, if you got stuck at zero, and then Scott Hanson didn't show up, I might think like, oh, what happened with all the AI shit over the weekend? Is this actually a simulation and we're all dead and NFL is never coming back?

Yeah, no, that the first moment where we sit down and all the games kick off and you're just completely flooded with too much football. And that's not a complaint. That's just a fact. We're just not ready. I think everyone to a man said that at some point early Sunday. Like, there's just so much football going on. 8 games. We just— your eyes aren't ready for it. Your brain isn't ready for it. And we had so much action. It was a great week 1.

It's week 1 for podcasters too. So yeah, it's always overwhelming. Week 1, we have to like kind of ease our way back into it. But man, it was, it was a lot of points today. I read a stat that the average this week, there's obviously a couple of games left the rest of the Sunday night and then Monday Night Football still to go. But it would be the highest average scoring Week 1 since 1962. Yeah. Which, hey, we, we deserve this.

There was a lot of points. There was games where there was no points and then there was a ton of points. Lions-Saints, which we'll get to, which was overtime. We had an overtime game. We had a shootout. We had the Bills-Texans. Let's start with that. Let's get into it. So we're going to go through every single game. Bills 36, Texans 31. This was the best game of the early slate, probably of the day. in terms of, uh, it felt like a playoff game. There was big play after big play. The Bills end up winning with, uh, the combo of a 7-play, 96-yard game-winning drive by Josh Allen and the offense, and then a strip sack of CJ Stroud after CJ Stroud, who did a pretty good job today, got the Texans all the way down the field into the red zone to potentially win the game with like 15 seconds left. It was awesome to watch though.

Do you think that this is a, uh, a good thing to walk away from as Texans fans or a really bad thing to walk away from? walk away from because the offense looks serviceable.

It looks—

it looked pretty good. Um, I don't want to say like really good, but there were moments it was a solid performance by the offense.

Well, the, the— what the offense had was they had a run game. David Montgomery, it wasn't like he was just ripping them up, but he did score, uh, 3 total touchdowns and it did give them the ability to— CJ Stroud looked more comfortable. CJ Stroud had a nice day. Uh, yeah, I think the offense looked good. I think you're, I think you're walking away, away even though you lost somewhat positively because the Bills with Joe Brady, this is something that they, that no team had seen before. I know the Texans have played the Bills a couple times and kind of dominated them, but it was very clear to me that Joe Brady's offense is going to look different as a head coach than it did as an offensive coordinator because the chunk plays— and Josh Allen said it after the game, he was like, chunk plays— the chunk plays were insane. They were Basically like just chucking the ball down the field. Josh Allen had 11 completions of over 10 air yards, which is tied for the most in his career in a game. He was 6 for 7 on those type of throws, 149 yards and a touchdown in just the first half.

This is clearly what Joe Brady's gonna do. They're gonna— they're going to take shot after shot after shot. It felt like every time we looked up, there was another shot going down the field. And instead of like Remember when the— remember when the Bills, like a couple of years ago, there was like that big, like, hey, we got to establish the run and we got to be methodical. Joe Brady's like, no, no, wait, we have Josh Allen. We have the best quarterback in the league. Let's just, let's just dice them up. And it was clear that it kind of caught the Texans off guard.

Yeah. So I was going to say, like, would you rather be the Texans and then you end up like having the offense look decent in a loss? But then on the other hand, the defense, which was supposed to be your strong suit. Yeah. And your weapon, which has been like your rock. Got gashed today. Now it is, you're right, like nobody knew what to expect from, from Joe Brady. I guess you could kind of predict some of the stuff that he liked to do and some of the tendencies, but he was, he was different enough. A lot of the— he had the, uh, the design downfield lateral, which rocked early in the game. And it does seem like Josh Allen, he has— I think he's been given the green light.

Yeah, so I'm saying, yeah, I think he's got the green light.

And I think he's looking at DJ Moore and saying to himself, like, I haven't had somebody that I can just greenlighted to like this since Diggs when he was here. And, uh, he was kind of just spamming it downfield. Like, if, if DJ had a step, if he was in even double coverage but maybe he beat one of the 2 guys, he was saying, fuck it, I'm gonna throw it deep.

And not even DJ— not even just DJ Moore. Dalton Kincaid had his best career game, like, at 130 yards. He had the best game by a Bills tight end since 1967. That's how long it had been since a Bills tight end had that many yards. Yeah, no, it— I think that Joe Brady is—

it—

I— he pro— I'm not trying to put blame on Sean McDermott, but it is different when you're the offensive coordinator. You don't get to make all the— like, you make the calls, but there's probably a game plan and, hey, here's how we want to play football. And I think the Bills are just going to be a lot more aggressive. And the Texans— yeah, I think the Tex— like, those type of games can happen to a defense where it hadn't happened to the Texans defense since 2023. That was the most points They'd given up in, uh, 2 years. But you can get into those type of games every now and then where it's like your defense isn't bad, you just got into a game where shit kind of spiraled. So I wouldn't be worried if I were a Texans fan. I'd be pumped if I were a Bills fan because they're like, that's what you've been looking for for a while, where it's like, let's take shots, let's be aggressive, and just, and just try to— like Josh Allen said, like I said, he said it himself, like, let's score, let's score touchdowns in 5 or 6 plays instead of 15.

First win for the Buffalo Bills in Houston since 2006, I believe.

Wow.

In 20 years. They hadn't won there for a long time.

That is a long time.

Very long time. And right after the game, Josh was like, yeah, at first, right ahead, we love playing here. I'm just going to address that head on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is.

I don't disagree with Will Anderson when he says this might be an AFC Championship preview. I think it very well could be.

Yeah.

It was a great game.

And I thought CJ Stroud looked okay. Like he had some bad fumbles. Um, but overall, I think, yeah, I think if you're the Houston Texans, bummed that you didn't win this game. You really want to beat the Buffalo Bills. You've had their number. Um, but, but to see signs of life like that from the offense, it's not the worst loss that you could have. No, I would say it's one of the better losses of the week.

Though a worse loss would have been if your defense was dominant, but CJ Stroud couldn't put up anything and you did basically a repeat of the end of last year. That would bum you out a lot more than what you saw where CJ Stroud looked like the old CJ Stroud. It's just the defense. It was weird because they— it didn't feel like there were moments where the Texans were getting harassing Josh Allen, but they didn't blitz a ton, like a ton.

Mm-hmm.

And Josh Allen, like, if you don't— I mean, if he has time, he's just going to make plays. He made a couple Superman plays and he's just, he's just, he just played. He's playing on the quarterback on a different level. He had another 2-touchdown passing, 2-touchdown running game. That's his 9th career game with 2 and at least 2 and 2. And 2nd place overall in the entire NFL history is Steve Young with 4. So he's got 5 more than the 2nd most. Like, that's— he's just playing in a different— he also was the first quarterback to have a combined 300 touchdowns in his first 9 seasons. 300 touchdowns is a lot of touchdowns.

That's pretty good.

And that's really, really good.

But I know you feel the same way as I do, but getting, getting the season opening text from Boom.

Oh yeah.

To start the year. Oh yeah. It's just so awesome to get that. He learned how to use emojis this year, which is kind of crazy.

The thumbs up and the football.

Yep. Thumbs up and the football.

And I sent him his own picture of no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.

Yeah. And it just— I don't know, it just feels to me like ESPN Super Bowl, maybe this is the year for Josh Allen.

Oh, you think that's—

Maybe this might be the Bills.

They're scripting it.

If I were to write the script, I would have Boomer interviewing Josh Allen on the field after they win a Super Bowl.

Yeah.

Thank you. Like, you can, you can picture that. You close your eyes. Boomer's probably like sweating through a few shirts, confetti sticking to like his armpits.

Yep.

But the Bills win. Yeah. Get that big giant-ass wallet protruding.

I love it.

Ass grew like 9 times.

I have a question, Hank. Why did you make that TV faster than this TV?

I did not.

But you were playing with them.

I was turning it on.

Oh, okay. That's way faster.

That TV is usually way slower.

Yeah. So you—

I can—

you made it so it was way faster.

I did not. I can try and fix it.

But that TV was always way slower than you were messing with it. Now it's way faster.

I was just turning it on.

You were messing with it. You were. I looked. I thought you were trying to get them on sync.

No, I was just turning.

No, he was trying to get his faster. PFT, I like where you're going though.

I mean, you can—

Chris Berman, that you look at that TV.

No, I don't. I was looking right at that TV because Allen's usually faster. Well, no, you could make them the same speed.

90% of our conversations week 1 are about which TV is ahead and which TV is behind and which game Meme should be on that TV that's not on that TV.

PFT, you're out of the room. He was messing with the TVs. That TV is usually slower and he made his TV faster. So the TV that he's looking at is fast.

This one can be faster because Meme sometimes just— he tips his hand.

No, but he also has streams up. Hank usually says this one's slow. I don't think it means—

you think Meme streams private in the booth?

Yeah.

No, no, no. We watch that. We watch that one.

This one does.

We for sure watch that.

Yeah.

Meme has this one ahead sometimes.

Hank said that that one's usually slower and he was messing with—

I just look at your guys' faces all—

no, you guys normally are faster, right?

This is really dumb. No one cares about this, but I— it was—

The people need to know.

Well, it was bothering me because Hank was messing with it and then I was like, wait, I'm like 3 plays behind.

It was 3 plays.

Yeah, it was very, very far behind.

3 plays, too many plays.

Anything else on this game? Oh, Hank, what do you think about the Bills performance? You scared Josh Allen? I think Josh Allen is going to From what I saw today, it feels like he's playing. Do you agree with me? Like he's playing it at a different level.

I think it's a very fun offense for him to play in.

Yeah.

I think he's, he's like, he's reached that moment where he's not thinking ever about anything. He just, he just acts. He just, he knows what to do. It's like in the back of his, it's so far ingrained in him in this offense. And Joe Brady, I think, is taking all the stuff. It looks to me, at least after week 1, he's taking all the stuff that he liked to do that he was good at earlier. And then just turned that up to 11. So I think he's— Josh is probably playing the most fun brand of football that he's played. Yeah.

And he, he didn't get like— remember the Thursday night game last year where he got sacked? It felt like a million times. He only got sacked twice today. So the offensive line, which has had a little bit of a turnover, looks like it held up well. And yeah, I thought that was a really good game for, for Bills fans that are excited about the Joe Brady era.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Hank, what do you think?

Yeah, I'm scared. I mean, Josh Allen's in his prime. They looked unbelievable. They're going to be the— probably the team to beat in the AFC. I don't know how you could come away from that game. That game was—

I mean, you guys—

an absolutely perfect game to start your NFL Week 1 Sunday.

Yes.

It was just a heavyweight blow-for-blow battle.

It was nice that they put that on the noon slate. Like, that could have easily been the Friday night game. They could have done Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or the, you know, Sunday night game or the Monday, but they gave us one big one to start the season. It felt like that.

So we went from possible AFC Championship preview to week 2 for the Bills, possible Super Bowl preview.

Yeah.

Bills-Lions Thursday night.

Lions is going to be fun opening the new stadium.

Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah.

That's going to be a fun one.

I wonder how the wind's going to act there.

That's going to be a very fun one. Uh, yeah, the, the Bills look good. Texans, I wouldn't worry. Who do the Texans have next week? I wouldn't worry about the Texans, although the Jaguars— we'll get to the Jaguars.

But oh, Texans-Bengals.

Texans-Bengals would be a great game.

2, uh, maybe great defenses.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. Uh, okay, speaking of Lions, we're playing on Thursday Night Football against the Bills. The other great game that we had to start the, the, the NFL season Lions 31, Saints 30, overtime. Was not a great game to start. It was terrible to watch at the beginning. Tyler Shuck, our guy, was horrendous in the first half. We also had one of the most confusing calls I think any of us have ever seen.

Yeah.

In the Jared Goff, uh, what looked like everything you know about football looked like a fumble backwards for a Saints touchdown. And then Mike Pereira got on, on the call and was basically like, well, he started his throwing motion. His intention was to throw it forward. So it doesn't count as a backwards pass.

This to me, this, this was the, the Berenstein Bears effect.

I felt like I was going crazy.

We've watched a lot of football.

Yes.

And this might be outing myself as a non-true ball watcher, but we've watched so much football over the years. I never knew that if you meant to throw the ball forward, right, if you got sacked as you were trying your, your very hardest to throw a forward pass, that it would count as if you had in fact thrown a forward pass, even if the ball goes backwards. If, if you watch that play in slow-mo, to me it looked exactly like, like an NFL Films textbook, like, oh, this is Deacon Jones coming off the edge and this is a textbook sack.

Yes.

That's what it looked like from Chase Young. I, I guess that's been a rule for a while, but it's crazy to me. Like, it is, you know, like the Berenstain Bears, and we think we know something has been a certain way our entire life, and then glitch in the matrix. I guess that's just not a fumble.

It was, it was doubly confusing because not only was it— if it was a pass, it was a backwards pass, and then it was also open hand through the throwing motion, which should be a fumble. I don't understand it. I don't understand it at all.

What we're forgetting is he was trying his very best.

The ball went flying backwards, flying back.

The tuck rule. It's like a rule you didn't know existed.

But it's either a fumble or a pass. In both ways, a backwards pass is a fumble. But that's the thing that makes no sense.

But I guess since he fumbled as he was moving forward, then it's not a fumble. It's the dumbest thing ever. And there has to be a time—

They gaslit us. They gaslit America.

There has to be a time we've seen this play I feel like we have seen this play before. Yeah, but apparently it's just not a fumble.

They gaslit all of America and they're like, you thought you knew, you dumb bitch. You don't know the rules to football. Here's something to get a little more confusing. Like, I, I've been trying to teach my, my, my kids the rules to football, which, by the way, I don't know if you guys have tried to explain football to someone, either a child or a foreigner.

Foreigner.

Yeah.

Goddamn it, do they make this game confusing.

It's very—

it's really hard to explain to someone and, and like, simple terms. You kind of take it for granted that because we've been watching it so long. Yeah, but holy fuck, then you throw in something like this. I wouldn't know what to say. I'd probably just turn off the TV and be like, we don't know, we don't watch football anymore, we don't know the rules.

Jared Goff against the Saints. Like, there's Saints fans that are like, this is fucking— this fucking guy.

Yeah, well, it's not just even Jared Goff. It's like, this is only a rule that would be enforced against the Saints if it were to hurt the New Orleans Saints.

It was crazy. So either way, The, the game, the, the first half was, was a tough watch. Both offenses looked like their quarterbacks hadn't played in the preseason, which was, was the case. Tyler Shuck looked terrible. Uh, Jared Goff, like, the, the Lions offense looked kind of clunky. The, the Lions defense was playing well in the first half. And, uh, then you forgot about Shuck because Shuck woke up and that's our guy. He Like it was, it was, it was basically he had one pass. I can't remember. I think it was to Olave that like it clicked and he was like, oh yeah, I am Tyler Shuck.

Mm-hmm.

And from that point on, he was incredible down the stretch. He scored on 5 out of the last 6 drives. He ended up with 410 passing yards. I think he's the leader in the NFL right now for passing yards. He was, he was awesome. But they came up short because They went for 2 in overtime, which I actually agree with that. You're on the road. The Lions are probably the better team. Why not go for 2 and try to end the game right there?

Yeah, it was the right call. Yeah, it was 100% the right call to go for it. And yeah, just kind of got unlucky. But was it 410 yards for—

410 yards.

So he was the leading passer this weekend, I believe then.

Yes, he is. He's leading the NFL.

And there was, there was one interception that even his interceptions are kind of, they're kind of crispy.

Oh, he looked so bad in the first half.

That laser that he threw to the linebacker. That was a tough catch, and I think any other quarterback throws that ball, uh, it bounces off the linebacker's hands. But because the spiral's so tight, so good, it stuck in the linebacker's hands.

It wasn't just like he looked bad, but the whole offense looked bad. There was multiple times, I, I feel like just remembering the game, that there would be like a receiver just not turning around and Tyler Schuck throwing it at his back or something like that, where all the timing was off. And then it just flipped and they just came alive and the Lions defense got a little gassed and, and it became a shootout out of nowhere. And it was awesome to watch. And for the Lions, we— I know that we talk about him being the best running back in the NFL because he is, but I feel like somehow Jahmyr Gibbs is still underrated because he's so— every single time he touches the ball, it's like, you know, anything could happen. He's just break— he, he broke 12— he forced 12 missed tackles today. He had 186 yards from scrimmage, 2 touchdowns. He had 36 total touches and he now has 51 touchdowns in 50 career games.

It's—

he's just electric to watch. Like every time he touches the ball, you're like, oh my God, what's going to happen? He's going to break this.

You know how, like you say, ride the hot hand. Dan Campbell was just like, yeah, Gibbs is— he is our hot hand. Yeah, he's our hand. So we're just going to keep feeding him the ball. And why not? Why not do that and just spam Gibbs until, until somebody can stop it?

Yep.

I think this is, you know what, I hate to do this in just the second game. I think this was the best loss of the week.

Oh.

I think for the Saints, I'm going to, they jumped the Texans on this.

Okay.

I think this is the best loss of the week. Number 2 right now would be the Houston Texans because they, yeah, they looked bad in the first half. Shuck looked awesome in the second half. The offense looked good in the second half. And Chris Olave's guardian cap just keeps getting bigger. Yeah, and bigger.

And bigger. But it also— we said it in the cave, it's the best looking Guardian cap in the league.

It's got—

yeah, it's gold. It's like a real nice gold. It's got all the undulations in it. You can see it kind of looks like a Transformer.

I think all of the Guardian caps are better this year. I also saw there was a really good looking Guardian cap in the Chargers game as well.

Oh, really?

They freshened up.

I think they freshened up. They made the Guardian caps look better because they did.

It did. It was noticeably better. Chris Olave was awesome in this game. Yeah. 10 catches, 182 yards. And he is one of those guys that— I mean, I have no problem with anyone wearing a guardian cap, but he's one of those guys I'm happy he's wearing a guardian cap because he, like, anytime he goes down, you're like, oh no, did he hit his head again? And you want to watch him play football.

He is also the slowest guy to get up after every play.

Yes.

Like, if he does fall down, you have to think, oh my God, I hope he's all right. I just had a dumb thought. Why doesn't every defensive player wear a guardian cap? You could get like an additional half inch on the size of your helmet that might get in the way.

True.

Hit a ball. True.

Yeah.

Every inch matters, right? It's a game of inches.

I always say that. Yeah.

Yeah. It's— oh yeah, those are better.

Guarding caps are better this year. Well, right. That's— is that this year? Is that last year?

Yeah, that has to be last— or was this preseason? Must have been preseason.

I think they— That was preseason.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

They look nicer.

Yeah. Do you buy Dan Campbell saying, I'm not concerned about the defense, we got to tighten some stuff up? Because they did. The Saints were able to kind of have their way with him in the last quarter and a half.

I do not buy that. I think he is concerned and I think they just restructured some contracts. I think they're going to try to sign or trade for, for someone.

Yeah. They do get Kirby Joseph and Brian Branch back eventually. So that would help. But yeah.

Yeah. I mean, Brian Branch when he's playing and when he's healthy is one of the best defensive backs in the entire NFL. So that's going to be huge. But I do think that they're, I don't think that this starting lineup is going to be the starting lineup for the Lions in, say, a month or a month and a half. Yeah, I think they'll make an addition.

This is a fun game to watch. Tyler Shock, he's just got to start faster because it really was— they did kind of just get into a hole. I mean, they were down 21-nothing that game. That game felt like it was completely over. And like I said, he just caught fire. And that's kind of what he's done the end of last year. It's just, can you do it for 4 quarters?

Who was— who was in the booth making that call on the fumble? Is that Big Ten Squad?

Those— oh, I don't know who was in the booth. Well, Pereira was the one on the, on the mic selling it to America. He was, he was, he was gaslighting us.

And he's— I, you know what, it's reached a point where I've read the rulebook now. I think they just changed the rulebook today. I think after that call, somebody logged online. Yeah.

They didn't even give us the, the, the, the, like, courtesy of the, hey, this is a point of emphasis. Any ball thrown backwards is not going to be a fumble anymore.

Yeah.

We would have watched for it in the Hall of Fame game.

This is ridiculous.

I said, did you know that?

No.

Did anybody in the booth know that?

No.

It was the most clear fumble ever.

We watched more like we watched the replay. We didn't have the sound on. And then, you know, watch another game, turn back on. It was like, how do the Lions have the ball back? Yeah. Like, where, where'd the touchdown go?

I don't care what they say. I don't care what they say.

That's, that was a fumble. I agree.

So you think Saints win? You're, are you awarding the Saints a win.

Yeah, Shuck. Shuck won that game.

Okay, so who gets the game balls?

Shuck.

There are 8 of them, remember?

It's Kalavei, Shuck, Chase Young. Chase Young.

Chase Young.

For the sack fumble.

Yeah.

Yeah. The referees for getting the call right. That in your mind?

Their backup running back who scored a touchdown when we really need— We needed HN to score.

No fan.

No fan on Saints. Out of nowhere.

People forget.

Yeah, we missed that name.

Zach HN.

Yeah, he will.

No, no, no.

Kendre Miller. Yeah, he should deserve it.

That was another thing I forgot today.

What?

I forgot that his name pronunciation is now HN.

Well, we interviewed him, remember, when Hank fired him?

I know, I remember. Because there was a point in the game today where I was like, where I was like, I was like, we're not watching the Dolphins game. Why are we rooting for Achane to score?

Yeah.

Well, I do kind of blame Hank because Hank, he picked Achane to score in our group parlay.

Do you want to talk about that, Hank? We had 7.

He did not score. And I blame him because—

6 out of 8.

I don't blame you for picking him. I blame you for picking him and then mispronouncing his name the entire time. I feel like that was bad.

I was calling him Achane the whole time.

Not at the start.

Stephen Che was not, but he, you know, his brain's gone.

Yeah, I mean, listen, he had his chances. They had their backup score touchdown from like the 1-yard line. That's just how football goes sometimes. And the last leg was the Packers, so it didn't matter.

Didn't matter.

Yep.

Yeah.

Kind of throwing Rico under the bus with that one.

I didn't say names.

Oh, also, yeah, Amon-Ra is awesome. He's just a— he's a— he's the most dependable, like, we need a first down, we need a big catch guy, maybe in the league where you're just like, okay, we'll just go to Amon-Ra. He's that type of guy.

The way that, that he runs when they hit him close to the line of scrimmage, from that point on, he kind of runs like he's a tight end.

Yeah.

And he will just run people over. And he's usually smaller than some of the guys, like the linebackers that are taking him down. But if you get him the ball in like a tunnel screen, he will break 3 tackles. If you need 6 yards, he will get you 7 yards.

And not only that, but if you're— yeah, if you're sitting— if the Lions are sitting at like a 3rd and 6, you just know that he's going to get open on like a slant or some type of route like that will get him exactly 7 yards to get that first down. Yeah, it's crazy. And he ended up scoring the touchdown in overtime. Was— yeah, it was a game-winning touchdown even though we went to a 2-point conversion.

Do you think they should have done 2-point conversion in regulation?

Nah.

There's too much time. There's like a minute left.

Go to overtime.

You got to go. Got to go to overtime there. The new overtime rules. I mean, they're not new new, but like, it is nice. I do get to see— I do like it, the whole thing.

Yeah.

All right. Next up, Bengals 33, Bucs 27. If I told you, Zach, on Friday that The Tampa Bay Buccaneers would not punt in this game and Ja'Marr Chase would catch 2 balls for 12 yards. What would you have said the final score would be?

And a pick 6.

And a pick 6.

I would say that we would win in great fashion. Yeah. Unbelievable fashion.

Unfortunately, not the case. 4 fumbles negated all that because the Bengals have a defense now.

Yeah, there was a whole game came just down to turnovers. 4 fumbles, 24 points off of those fumbles.

Like, That's an uphill battle for any, for any team. Yeah.

It almost seemed like the Bengals defense was outpacing their offense. Like for anybody that's in that locker room on the defensive side today must have felt like such a great— oh yeah, great moment where you hit the locker room after the game. You're like, hey, try to keep up, Joe.

They give up 20 points.

We got you, little bro.

If the Bengals defense can give up 20 points and force that, I mean, obviously they're not going to force 4 fumbles every game, but 20 points against a very good offense in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Bengals are going to be a scary, scary team. And it's hard to like, you want to be more frustrated about the like ball security today. But the flip side of that is like Baker extending a lot of plays is how we get points sometimes. So like, right, taking those risks is also like a highlight of the team. So I completely agree with that. You can't. Yes, obviously the fumbles are bad and you don't want them. And there was the one where he's going in. But a big part of your offense is Baker being able to keep plays alive and, and kind of like never giving up and being a tough motherfucker. So yes, sometimes these games will happen. But I came away from this game being like, watch out for the Bengals because like I said, Ja'Marr Chase was 2 catches for 12 yards and the Bengals defense had 4 sacks, 6 QB hits, forced those 4 fumbles.

They They just played better than they have. I guess they played a little bit better at the end of last year, but they look like they are a real unit. And on top of that, the Bengals offensive line played well. Like the, the Todd Bowles blitzed a decent amount and, and they were, they held up. Joe Burrow said it in the postgame. Like they did a good job and they won that battle and they were able to run the ball. Joe Burrow was under center more. Joe Burrow ran the ball.

Mm-hmm.

Like he said it before the season, he was going to, use his legs more. It felt like the Bengals, that was like a complete Bengals victory, especially early in the season that we haven't seen in a long time.

Yeah, I think they finally got the message that we, like, these games in September have to be treated like desperation.

Yeah.

Because if you don't stack these, then they're going to be fucked down the road. But Baker, the plays where Baker was getting drilled on, he was doing a good job extending and then just kind of let the guard down. And I think he got, he got ragdolled worse than any quarterback that I saw this week.

Yeah.

There were a couple of times where he just, No awareness of where that— the clock should be going on at some point in Baker's head.

Kyler.

Kyler.

Yeah.

But Kyler, I—

That was just— that wasn't a ragdolling. That was just a ragdoll.

Not the victim blame, but we can, we can get to Kyler. Yeah. A little bit later. But yeah, Baker, you got to have a clock.

Yeah.

Baker had no clock. Yeah.

He said after too, he said, this one falls on me. I think they had 17 points off my turnovers and it turns out to be a one-score game. And it, It did feel like they were, they were going to get back in the game. But the Bengals did a good enough job. I mean, I was just impressed. Like, it feels like most Bengals games that we've watched in the last few years have been kind of the same script of like shootout, big play after big play, bad defense. But the Bengals can always answer because they have those big play, that big playability. The Bengals say, what did Mike Gesicki end up having? Because it felt like Joe Burrow was Under center, taking the, taking the things that the defense gave him, like methodical drives.

Gesicki had 5 catches, 78 yards, right? A touchdown.

And that was, I mean, and I think Drew Sample had a few catches too. So like I count those as the same guy.

3 receptions for Drew. Yeah.

But that's definitely one of those tight end pairings where it's like, that should just be, it should just be Mike Sample.

Yeah. I think that, you know, same thing about Knox and Kincaid.

Yeah.

All the entire Rams tight end.

Yeah.

All the—

they're all one guy. That actually should be— why don't we do that for fantasy?

How can we combine their 3 names?

You should just draft tight ends, tight end, like the entire team's tight ends in fantasy. That would be sick. Why don't we— why don't we do that?

Higbee and Parkinson. They're identical twins.

Right.

I'm convinced of it.

Yeah. So I count those guys the same. So he, so he was hitting his tight end. He, he, he had 8 completions to his tight end for almost 100 yards.

Yeah.

And McPherson was drilling them today. I think he had 2 field goals over 50 yards. Great, great week 1 win for the Bengals.

Hank, are you scared of the Bengals?

Bengals are good. Yeah.

Okay.

Scared is not like they're formidable opponents.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I feel like today was like a weird, like the AFC kind of got its groove back.

The Bills, the Bills are the team. Like it's, it's, they looked really good and Josh Allen's in his prime and they're, you know, they've been there. They're knocked on the door. They are the team that, you know, should be the team to beat.

Can I give you another team?

Sure.

Ravens 41, Colts 23.

Yeah.

Because the Ravens offense. Zay Flowers had 150 yards. He didn't play the entire second half.

Yeah.

He had 150 yards. He went out with a hamstring, which actually is a big deal because they think they, they lost their first and third wide receiver, which is just very Ravens to be like, look how sick our offense is. We have Declan Doyle, a new Jesse Minters here. Things have changed. Oh yeah. Now we are just going to go back to not having any wide receivers.

Yeah.

It was a great debut for Jesse Minter. Everything looked perfect for the Ravens. This is exactly what you want to see. And for a new offensive play caller, Not forgetting about Derrick Henry. Like, let's get him started. Still has it. Derrick Henry still got it.

It's insane. He's 32 years old. The running back should not be this good at 32 years old. He's played 10 years in the NFL as a running back and like 7 of those years have been massive amounts of carries. He is—

Is this—

I think it was his 56th 100-yard game.

It was his— I know that he broke an NFL record. It was his 26th 100-yard game with multiple touchdowns. That's an NFL record.

Yeah.

26 times he's had at least 100 yards and multiple touchdowns. That's stupid. I mean, he's just— I don't understand how he is. He's just a complete anomaly into what we know about running backs and how it's like, oh, you know, you got to get them early because they only— once they get the miles on them, once they get to their second contract, Derrick Henry's, he's 32 years old.

Yeah. So he's got 125 career rushing touchdowns. So he passed Marcus Allen today, 3rd all time, and he's behind Emmitt Smith and LT.

He's, I mean, he's, didn't we have this debate the other day that like he could be, I guess though, I guess there's other running back, but like he's going to be one of the last running backs that's going to go into the Hall of Fame for running backs. It's going to get very difficult.

So yeah. Yeah. I mean, you would have to have a, like a running back that maybe was sticking around on a dynasty for a while.

Or yeah, like a Terrell Davis where it's like his peak for 4 years.

Yeah.

Maybe Saquon will qualify for that, but running backs don't have long enough careers anymore.

Besides Henry, the running backs that I would think would have a chance might be Christian McCaffrey.

Yeah.

But again, that's like a lot of—

Jahmyr Gibbs has started it.

Yeah.

If the Lions, yeah. If they continue on this path, then maybe Jahmyr Gibbs.

But Derrick Henry, see, he's, he's one of the last incredible.

Yeah.

Also, this is another team. So I think this is just a trend now. And we've talked to a lot of our football guests that know football better than us. I think Orlovsky is a big, a big guy with that. I think Nate Tice said this, stresses a lot, but quarterbacks going under center. Lamar was under center more than he's ever been in his career in this game, 67%. So that's probably a Declan Doyle. imprint, you know, being like, this is a new team. We're going to run things differently. And it changes how teams can defend you because you could do a lot of stuff under center. So Joe Burrow and Lamar under center more than usual.

Yeah. Is Declan Doyle the, the coordinator whose name sounds most like a bar owner's?

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's a bouncer.

Come on down to Declan Doyle's. Yeah.

Yeah.

He's got a red nose.

Yeah.

He wears, he wears a scally cap. He's got like the pockmarks on his face. Declan Doyle. He's a fucking great guy.

Yeah, like a flame tattoo coming out of his sleeve.

He's a, he's a great guy.

Yeah, drives a motorcycle.

Didn't go to Notre Dame but bleeds for the Irish. You know that.

Yep.

All right.

There is a, there is a bar owner named Declan Doyle who owns Doyle's of College Street in Dublin, Ireland.

Perfect.

Are you serious?

I mean, there's got to be a shitload of Declan Doyle's in Ireland.

Yeah. Declan Doyle.

Which, yeah, you know, Doyle's of College Street, which is famously owned and run by—

What time is it in Ireland right now, Max?

Don't, don't.

Declan Doyle got like 2 DUIs, but not technically convicted of either.

I don't think they do DUIs in Ireland.

He just had to volunteer. I'm saying like, yeah, the generic Declan. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Like gave up his keys to the judge and say, hey, just let's Boys will be boys. I'll stop, but you can have my keys.

Yeah. Declan Doyle, 3:45 AM. Give him a ring.

Yeah.

Hey, congrats on your first game. Declan there got Lamar under center. Love that. It's pro-style stuff from the kid.

Shout out Declan's in Old Town, one of our favorite bars.

Yeah.

But yeah, the Ravens, I don't know who they're going to have be wide receiver if Zay Flowers has to miss time. As for the Colts, That's got to be one of the worst losses today. Not because, you know, you expected the Ravens are really good, you might lose, but their defense looked— got absolutely gashed. And Danny Dimes looks rusty. I guess you should give him— we should give him some time, but he did not look great. Yeah, they just look—

this—

the final score is a lot closer than this game was.

Yeah.

41-23 is not indicative of to what this game felt like and how, how quickly— like, I think the Colts scored first even, and then how quickly the Ravens were in control of this game and dominated this game.

If you look at all the nerd stats out there, Daniel Jones ranked towards the bottom of the league this week.

He wasn't good.

No, no.

Yeah, he looked rusty, which I guess, you know, he is coming back from— did he have officially an Achilles? Remember, it was like a weird—

Yeah, it was an Achilles. I think he had maybe—

They called it something else.

He had like a sprained ankle and maybe a fibula. Oh, the Achilles.

Yeah.

So he broke that, then his season kind of fell off a little bit. And then he popped the Achilles.

That's right. He tried to play with the broken leg. Yeah. Yeah, that I remember now because we all were like, how do you play with a broken fibula? That sounds very serious.

I—

that was one thing today. And I know that this is not stating anything like that isn't very obvious, but the amount of hit, like the violence of the hits in the NFL versus college football. It's so different. And I think I said out loud during the Gambling Cave today, I was just like, playing the NFL must hurt so much. Like, so much. It just hurts.

Car crash.

It's got to just hurt so bad.

I mean, playing high school football hurt. Like, you would wake up the next day feeling like you got run over by a truck in high school. I can't imagine NFL.

And like, it's routine hits. It's routine. Like, oh, that guy just got slammed to the earth and now he's up and he's walking around and he's got a You know, play another down. You know, I was thinking about—

forget about the implications of whether or not the fake turf is worse for ligament injuries and all that shit. Do you think it just sucks more to play on the fake turf because in the morning you wake up and you've got burns?

Yeah.

Like your elbows and your knees.

Yeah.

You like take a shower and you're like, this sucks. That hurts.

Definitely. That might be picking the little rubber, like black rubber balls out of your skin.

And yeah.

Suck beyond belief.

It is kind of crazy that Daniel Jones is playing quarterback right now.

Yeah.

Like we do lose sight of that sometimes is you have an Achilles injury and that used to be like minimum full year.

Yeah. That's what I was saying.

Remember a year and a half about, about Kittle and Kittle.

Yeah.

The fact that Kittle was, was out there in Australia playing and just—

Let's see, Jacoby Lane, fractured wrist. So Jacoby Lane will be out.

That's their wide receiver 3.

A few weeks.

So I don't know what— it feels like the Ravens are right exactly back to where they started, where it's like, hey, Zay Flowers, incredible game. Oh yeah, now we don't have wide receivers again.

Yeah.

Which is—

it just sucks for them.

Uh, Tre Hendrickson was, uh, was pretty good today. The pressure rate with him on the field was 59%. Without him on the field, it was 20%.

Okay.

So the Ravens are probably pretty happy still that they, uh, They got cold feet on the Max Crosby situation.

Yeah, I would say so. And yeah, I think the Colts probably have— if we had to, maybe we'll do it at the end, like who had the worst loss. But I think the Colts are up there. Yeah, because it was an ass-kicking and because at home, at home. And it's like, yeah, if you lose this game to the Ravens and you look okay, you can live with it. But it was— they— it was the 3rd most points they let up in an opener in the Indianapolis era. They allowed 506 yards, which is the most in the era in Indianapolis, and they lost by 18, which was the 6th worst defeat in their home opener. So not good.

Bombs over Baghdad.

Bombs over Baghdad. Not the OutKast song.

The war.

The war.

The innocent lives lost.

Yep.

Is what we're talking about. Totally different. OK, should take a break and we'll go to the rest of the early slate. It is brought to you by our friends at DraftKings. The wait is over. Football's here, and so is DraftKings. The DraftKings Sports app is now live in all 50 states. That means from Texas to California to Florida, every fan is in on the excitement. And this September, DraftKings is giving customers the opportunity to get boosted every football game day. That's right, every game day all month long, DraftKings customers can get a football profit boost. One app, every sport, all 50 states. New DraftKings customers sign up with code TAKE, spend just $5, and get $200 in total rewards within 21 days. Includes all markets. That's code TAKE.

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I think you should overreact to it.

That was fucking insane. That was insane.

I don't know that it's possible to overreact to how good the offense looked.

The Bears scored. 2 touchdowns in the first quarter for the first time since 1988. 1988 was the last time they scored 2 touchdowns in the first quarter. Caleb Williams—

That's honestly crazy.

That's crazy. That's great. Like, you would think that there'd be a game they just luck into 2 touchdowns, 2 offensive touchdowns in the first quarter.

Yeah.

Caleb Williams in his rookie season in 2024, uh, the Bears, it took till their 4th game of the season for the Bears to reach 59 points.

Mm-hmm.

They did it in 4 quarters today. Uh, it was— I mean, everything worked. Everything worked. And it was insane to watch. Like, Caleb Williams, the throw he made to Cole Kmet was erotic. The throw he made when he was going across his body, an absolute laser down the field. Khalif Raymond looked awesome as like his security blanket. The run game, There was 291 yards rushing. Caleb had, had 60 yards, 2 touchdowns. Minungai had 100 yards, a touchdown. And DeAndre Swift, who looked incredible, just got paid. 124 yards, 3 touchdowns. It was awesome to watch. Defense, different story. Offense though, Ben Johnson said we're trying to break the record. And so far, obviously small sample size, 1 game. Good start.

On pace to break the record, on pace to get 4,000 yards passing. From Caleb. The mustache is, is a nice addition. My only red flag with that is like, what took him so long? Well, I think that is a great look on Caleb.

I think he lost in the offseason. He like lost 10 to £15 and like gained some muscle. That's like if I ever, whenever I go to just mustache, it means that I got on the scale and I've lost like £10 because that is a good move when you, when you're, when you've cleaned up a little. the first thing you want to show off is like, check out this chin I got.

Yeah, the lower half of the face. If it's swollen, you can't go mustache.

Correct.

You got to, you got to go beard. But when I saw the mustache, I thought to myself, this— now this is a guy that is going to absolutely light it up for the Bears. That if you have a mustache and you play quarterback for the Bears, I can't emphasize enough how strong of a fit that is.

He's got the aura.

Yes.

Yeah, it was just, uh, it was insane to watch. He was— he just looks so calm. Yes, I know it's the Panthers. So the Panthers They're not, they're not the best team. I'd say that that's fair.

They did.

They were in the playoffs last year. I remember they kind of, they gave the Rams a game in that playoff game. But I'm not going to pretend that the Panthers are the Texans or the Seahawks defensively. There is, there is some people I did go on a little bit of a retweet spree after the game. There was a guy who's a Panthers fan, the Four Man Rush. He said before the game, today is belt day for the Chicago Bears. The entire state of Illinois, the city of Hammond, and Bears FC worldwide is, is in absolute fear right now. No more hiding behind a fluke 2025 season that was inflated by a cupcake schedule. You got to see us now, and this beatdown will be brutal. This is your last chance to delete your weak trash talk post before the beatdown at the bank. How many places are called the bank?

There's a lot.

There's a lot of banks.

But it was, it was a belt game.

It was a belt game.

Belt game.

It was a belt game.

He should, he should have to throw away all of his belts.

Yeah. And it was like, other than, I mean, yes, the Luther Burden fumble to start, I was like, oh shit, that wasn't great. But just, just total command. The offense looked great. The 4th and 1, I know people were, people probably pissed about that.

It's weird in the moment.

But I think that Ben Johnson is just going to do what he wants to do. You, you can't— you, you obviously can criticize anything, but I, I'm of the belief, like, if you're gonna buy into the Ben Johnson way of thinking, you just got to be like, do whatever and I'm gonna back you. And I think I'm there with him.

The thing is, with Ben Johnson, unlike a lot of other coaches, he has a reason for everything that he does.

Correct. If you would love to look—

if you were to ask him why he did something, he will have an explanation for you. And you might disagree with the explanation. It might be dumb at times, but he will have a reason that makes sense in his own brain why he does it. Whereas a lot, a lot of other coaches kind of do things based on vibes or, right, this is what I think I'm supposed to do. So you, yeah, you will live and die with a coach that says, you know, I'll back up what I say. There's a, there's a reason why I'm doing everything out here. And the offense was pretty much, you can't ask for a better debut.

Yeah. And I'm, I am there with Ben Johnson where like, I will, I will hand over all free will and thought. and just give it to him and be like, whatever you say, I will just say— I will just do whatever you do, whatever you decide. I will say, yes, that was the correct decision.

Did you toss him the keys?

Yeah. Oh, no, the keys are— the keys are long gone.

Keys are in his hands.

I'm hiding in the backseat of his car so that I can be like, hey, please take me home with you. That's where I'm at with Ben Johnson. He was— it was— and guess what? The other crazy thing, and I, I'm not going to say that Ben Johnson did this on purpose because that would be very silly and Like ridiculous. But Colson Loveland had zero catches. He's the best skill player the Bears have. He had zero catches. He led the Bears in receiving yards last year. He had zero catches. He had 2 targets. Caleb, actually, one of his misses today was to Colson Loveland. He threw it behind him. I— there, Ben Johnson is so crazy. He's like, I'm gonna score 59 points and we're not going to use Colson Loveland. Just to let everyone know, like, when we do use him, then it's on.

I still got one. I still got one in the chamber.

I'm holding a card back just, just in case.

The defense does look like it's a problem.

Oh yeah, big time. That's gonna be an issue.

And we don't know how good the Panthers are.

No.

Coker looked awesome.

Yeah, no, we made Bryce Young look pretty comfortable.

I do like watching Tett. I like watching Coker play. So they've got a couple pieces, but I don't think that their offense, you would call it, you don't expect them to be in the top 10 of the league.

No, I went into this game being like, if the Panthers have their way with the Bears defense, it could be a really long season for the Bears defense. I just didn't think the offense was going to be this explosive and Caleb Like, just the way he, he processes now. He looks so comfortable in the offense and the way he moves in the pocket and keeps plays alive. Uh, and I mean, his running— I mean, that— I saw that he has like the fastest quarterback runs. I think he's got— I, I can't remember the stat. I still don't know how they do the miles per hour. I, I'm like, in terms of on, on-field stuff. All right, Giants just scored. Giants look good. Dak is such a bum. He stinks.

Oh, you're talking about the chip in the shoulder pads.

Is that what it is? Is that how they figure out?

I think there's a chip. There's a chip somewhere.

Fastest runs by QB in 2025-2026 seasons. The top 4 are all Caleb Williams. He reached 21. He's over 20 miles an hour basically every time he like really lets loose and goes. And he did that with that 30-yard rushing touchdown where he was reading the whole field. No one was open. He's like, fuck it, I'll just go.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I mean, the defense can be a problem. The enderman, I can— I'm never going to be able to say his name, looked good. He was kind of all over the field, but it was one of those situations where you're always a little nervous when your safety has to make a bunch of tackles and is in a bunch of plays and you're like, why? Where's, where's every— where are the other dudes?

Yeah.

Where's the defensive line? Where's the linebackers? But I can't, there's, I can't complain about anything today because that was so much fun to watch.

59 points is so many points.

It's so many points. It's so many points. And they, and that was, I, they weren't really running any plays with like 6 minutes left. Like they could have gone 60 if they wanted to, but a 50 burger, it's, it's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. And, uh, oh, I have one other tweet I just wanted to read. This is from Titletown Talks, who's a Packer fan. He said Bryce Young is significantly better than Caleb Williams. He's taken complete control of the game. The difference in their game is night and day. I bet the Bears wish they could swap QBs. I wonder when this was tweeted. Oh, 1:13. So it's probably like first drive, second— no, it's probably like early second quarter.

1:13. Yeah, 1:13 Central.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

So early second quarter, Bryce Young is taking complete control of the game.

Yeah, I don't know about that. I actually don't think there was ever a point in that game where that tweet was appropriate.

No, they had the— I mean, Bryce Young had a couple of nice drives, but it wasn't like the Bears weren't answering.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Anything else on this game? It's fun. Fun watch.

I have no idea what the— the NFC South sucks. That's my final comment on this.

Went 0-4 this weekend.

0-4 this week.

0-4.

Again, you lose this game if you're the Panthers and you're still in the driver's seat.

Yeah. Oh, I had one last stat. This is just a Ben Johnson stat. This is why I give away my entire body. I wonder if I could sign that away. Would that be weird if I was like, if I went— I know I have a will because I know I went and like did that whole process. But what if I changed the will to be like, Ben Johnson gets to decide if I live or die? If I'm like, yeah, you can do that.

You can assign specific— yeah, specific play call stone.

They called him up. Well, no, it's just like, yeah, if he ever gets in a coma, like, don't ask my wife. Don't ask my kids.

Ask Ben Johnson. Just in 4th and long situations.

I feel like he'd ruthlessly pull the plug and be like, that's just a decision we had to make as a football team. Uh, the, uh, games with 250 yards rushing since the start of 2025, the, uh, 31 teams not named the Chicago Bears have 4. The Bears have 3. So they have 3 games with 250-plus yards rushing. That, that's like the— you think like offensive guru is going to pass. He still wants to be a physical team that establishes the run and demolishes you. And the The combo of DeAndre Swift and Kyle Minungai where Swift was so effective and then you see Minungai come when, when the defense is like completely gassed, Minungai comes in, he's just an absolute hammer and like impossible to bring down. It's a hell of a combo. So run the ball, be physical, score a lot of points.

Yeah, I would say that this is, this is one of, if not the best win of the week.

Yeah, just got to get that defense maybe to like the 20th best defense would be, I'd be cool with that. I think it's going to be a problem. We're going to be in shootouts pretty much every— we hit the over twice in this game.

There's a perfectly average loss for the Carolina Panthers.

Yeah. Although their defense got— yeah, I mean, that was a lot of yards.

It was a tight— it wasn't, it wasn't good.

Really a lot of yards. Okay. Next up, this is basically the exact opposite game. Steelers 20, Falcons 13, where offense was pretty tough to come by for both teams. Different for different reasons. Cooper Rush was the quarterback for the Falcons. That would be the explanation.

Didn't play that bad though.

Didn't play that bad. But you know, he, it wasn't like they, Bijan, Bijan, excuse me, had 65% of their total yards. He had 173 yards himself.

Cooper Rush certainly didn't play well.

No, he did not play well.

But I mean, on the sliding scale of how well you think Cooper Rush is going to play.

On the sliding scale of pretty bad, I'm—

the guy got like— Right, like it was, Max, if you're talking—

he had a 52 quarterback rating.

If you're talking like rush compared to every starting quarterback in the league, but that's not—

we're talking about a 3rd string quarterback.

3rd string quarterback barely got any reps.

They missed 2 field goals and had a pick 6. Obviously I had them in the Hunger Dogs, so I was like locked in on this game, but like he I'm sorry that you were locked in on this game. I'll tell you what, like, they were in this game and the pick-6 was bad. TJ Watt made an incredible play. Their field goal kicker missed 2, like, makeable field goals. Well, it was, it was, it was a winnable game.

Nick Folk, who actually—

He looks like he's 100 years old.

He's older than me in PFT.

That's—

he's 41 years old.

Get him out of the league.

He turns 42 in November. Get him out of the league. I know that he actually statistically was not— His helmet is atrocious. He was not a bad kicker the last few years. There has to be someone younger than 42 years old who can kick a football.

There's not.

When he misses a field goal and they show his, like, cut to him with his stupid helmet, like, that looks like he was playing in 1960. Like, I want to puke.

And this is coming from a guy in Henry Lockwood who he can kick a field goal.

Yeah.

When his foot isn't dead.

Yeah.

But you know what? Like, I think that there's room in the league for kickers that look like absolute fat dorks. I'm sick of seeing jacked up kickers at They got the big biceps and they have cool helmets and tattoos and shit. Like, I kind of like seeing a kicker that just looks like a fat, pudgy white dork.

They make kicks. Yeah.

Yeah, that's, that's— now, Nick Folk did stink today.

Oh, he stunk.

But I just want to rewind for a second. One thing I'm not going to allow this podcast to become is a Cooper Rush bashing podcast.

I'm not.

Okay.

No bashes.

He was good.

Nick Folk was good. That's what I'm saying. It, it, it, he is good enough to still be in the league, but you just cannot tell me that a guy who's going to be, who's older than us is the best option. I just don't understand it. Again, he was, he was good enough last year. He was, he was pretty damn good.

He was 28 for 29 last year, 21 for 22 the year before.

I guess that's the answer.

29 for 30 the year before that. Like, yeah, he's missed 3 field goals the last 3 years.

He missed 2 today. That hurt.

What's Young Way Koo doing?

Am I reading this right?

Probably not.

No, no, I am.

What are you trying to read? Numbers?

No, he is.

Numbers are hard.

No.

Yeah, that was an 8.

I'm right. I'm right. Fuck off.

Usually when you see 8, you think of something different, but this means a number.

Yeah, he was 7 for 8 from, from 50 yards. I don't fucking know.

All right. You want to—

that was right. He was 28. I was right. I was right.

Do you guys want a stat? that I don't understand whatsoever. But it's one of those ones you ever see someone tweet something and you don't know what they're quantifying or how they're explaining this, but it just looks really bad and you're like, oh, that's bad.

Yeah.

So there's a database, Summer Sports Dataset, that has 1,097 games calculated on total EPA for, for the game. So like how, how, what they're expected What is it? Expected point average? What is EPA? Let's figure that out first. Max, help us out. What does it mean?

Environmental Protection Agency.

Yep, that's exactly right.

Okay.

EPA just means good stuff.

Expected points added.

Yes.

It's basically how to quantify how your offense is moving. Even like instead of just points, it's like, hey, how are you moving down to down? So out of the 1,000 1,097 games. This was the 1,069th worst game in terms of EPA.

For both teams.

Yes. Yeah, combined.

So it was an ass.

So maybe Cooper Rush didn't play that well.

This game was giant ass, in other words.

Yes.

The Steelers offense does not look much different from what we've seen the last, I don't know, 10 years.

I will say if DK Metcalf could catch a ball, it might have looked a little different or also not.

Push off.

They did throw a few passes and a few routes that I've not seen out of the Steelers wide receivers.

And he should have caught a couple.

There were a couple that he probably should have grabbed. Too busy thinking about ice shelves. But it was, it was a slightly different tweak to the same formula that we've seen from the Steelers. And yeah, if they don't have Nick Folk missing those kicks, it might end up differently. You have to beat Cooper Rush worse than this. Now, that being said, do we think that Cooper Rush actually played worse than Tua would have?

Uh, no, actually, I think he probably played better.

Yeah.

Because the Steelers, I mean, in very Steelers fashion, they're, they're very consistently the same team every year. And it was like, oh yeah, TJ Watt's an absolute demon. 2 sacks, the pick 6, the end of the game. Cam Hayward felt like he swatted like 8 balls down. Alex Highsmith had 2 sacks. Their defense is still really, really good. Their offense is what we expect and it's not like great stuff.

One thing that you missed about TJ that I picked up on because I sit next to Jersey Jerry for these games. TJ's got a new muscle this year.

Yeah.

Did you see that?

Yeah.

He said yeah.

In his arms. Yeah. He worked out extra hard and I guess unlocked a new muscle in his forearm.

Forearm.

Yes.

Yes. Forearm. So it's like completely different player, new weapon.

That's so sick.

Which is pretty incredible for a guy that's been— that's had such a great career. But yeah, new muscle in the corner.

The Steelers, by the way, are so— which I know that we just talked about the Bears and it had been since 1988 they scored 2 touchdowns in the first quarter. The Steelers have now gone 68 straight regular season games without scoring more than 7 first quarter points. That's it. So that's even a touchdown and a field goal.

Yeah.

68 regular season games.

It's a lot.

They're the same team.

Good for McCarthy, though. Good for McCarthy winning his first game as Steelers coach.

Does he look skinnier? Or is he just wearing black?

He's wearing black and he's paler. He's, he's been out of the sun.

Okay. I thought he looked skinny.

Yeah, I thought you were joking.

Oh, no, he looks, he looks good.

Slim, dude.

He looks really good.

You didn't think he looked slim? No, I thought he looked— I disagree. I thought he looked—

I thought it was like a haha.

No, he looks— he looks borderline.

Look how fat he is. Yeah.

No, I think he maybe again, maybe it's just the fact that he's wearing black now, but he looks— yeah, look.

I think it's Hank.

So look at his face and he looks skinny, dude.

Yeah, look at that.

That's—

he looks good.

He should do the Caleb Williams. He should probably shave his beard and let us all see his jaw. That's a skinny guy. I also know what you're saying, Hank.

During the games, the cameras didn't zoom in on him because in Dallas they would zoom in. They would just— they would fit his face to like touch every side of the screen. It was just like The screen would be nothing but Mike McCarthy's face and jowls.

Yeah.

The cameraman maintained a respectful distance today, I think.

I think he looks pretty damn sweet.

He does look good. Also, after the game, Aaron Rodgers gave Mike McCarthy a game ball, which I didn't know that.

Did he eat it?

I guess Aaron Rodgers is just like in charge of— he's the coach of the team.

I guess so. He's been there longer than Mike McCarthy.

He's like, good job, Mike. Welcome aboard to my team.

Was that the whole problem with With Rodgers and Tomlin, he's like, I can't be the— I can't give game balls because Tomlin's been here longer than me.

That might have been it. Yeah, it might have butted heads.

We should say Darnell Washington put a man through the earth. That was one of the most violent stiff arms ever. He is so scary of a human being when he gets like— when he catches the ball and has even a little like 5 yards of space where he can get a little bit of Speed going. It's crazy.

And the thing is, I think he looks smaller. Yeah, I think Darnell Washington looks a little bit smaller than he did last year. Maybe by the end of the season he'll get back up there, but he looks faster. Yeah, he's just the biggest guy in the NFL.

That was, that was such a violent— like, you just got—

that guy's got to quit.

He's got to quit.

You can't go back on a football field after that and be like, hey guys, I'm ready to play.

That guy needs to call in sick. for Monday when they do— when they watch the film. He needs to pull a Shane and call in sick after the Chargers lost to the Cardinals. Oh yeah, that's right. Shane did that.

You should be allowed to use a lasso to tackle him. I think that's fair because like you can't bring him down man to man.

Yeah, I don't even actually— I think he's so big I don't even think you could hip drop him.

No, you just be— you just—

you can't just hop on the backpack. He's like CT when he backpacked Johnny Bananas. Yeah. He kind of looks like that when he's running down the field. It's crazy to watch. All right. So do we think the Steelers are any different than they've ever been?

I think a little bit different.

In what way?

Aaron Rodgers doing—

Mike McCarthy skinny.

Well, yeah, he's skinny. Aaron Rodgers doing podcasts before games, which I like.

Yep.

He's got his own platform.

Yep.

Or I guess not his own, but his teammates' platform.

He finally could say what he's thinking.

That's actually like underrated good teammate move. On Aaron Rodgers going on your teammates' podcast.

Yeah.

Instead of a national platform. So like, get your buddy some views.

We need to get him on Big Ben's. Oh, Brandon Aubrey just missed an extra point. Brandon Aubrey just— Go for 2. Point. Yes, you go for 2 there. It's the math. That is the math. Now they have to go for 2. I also live bet the Cowboys over 20.5. That stinks. I just realized that.

Yeah, that stinks.

That absolutely stinks.

That still hit the over, though.

Hank, whose line is it anyway? You're playing the Steelers next weekend.

I know.

How?

Jerry?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know, too.

Is it— where's the game?

In New England.

That's going to be the Patriots minus 3.5.

5.5. Oh, Jerry said it was wildly disrespectful.

I kind of agree.

I don't. The Steelers are the same team they've always been, which doesn't mean they can't be like a decent team because their defense again is very good. And the Patriots are desperate now.

That's true. And they almost lost to Cooper Kupp. So like, right, 5.5. I'm just, I'm just still, I'm still, I'm still down and just, you know, not feeling great after last week. So it seems crazy to be such heavy favorites, but it was banner night.

Yeah, but it was hostile environment. Spencer Hawes.

Yeah, I think the desperation factor definitely plays in here where the Patriots need to win this game. So I would think, I don't know, I just, I just don't, I didn't see anything from the Steelers where I was like, wow, that team is, uh, They're, they're really different than what we've always seen from the Steelers.

The more I think about it, I think the other team is just TJ Watt.

It's hard to say because it's the Falcons, but shouldn't they have beaten the Falcons way?

But they never beat teams like they play. They never win games that they're supposed to win. Handily.

Yeah. When's the last time the Steelers won a game like 37 to 3 or 37 to 7?

Let's see.

I can't remember one off the top of my head.

I, I think they beat down the Bengals after they lost to the Bengals.

Like, they beat the Patriots last year.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, they beat the Bengals 34-12 last year.

Okay.

With Mason Rudolph.

Huh.

Mason Rudolph, QB1. Yeah, they— yeah, you're right. They don't, they don't normally Even with Cooper Rush playing and Bijan, I feel bad for Bijan. I guess that would be the one takeaway if you're the Falcons. Like, you did stay in this game. And if Michael Penix can come back, maybe it looks a little different. And everyone in the NFC South did lose today.

Yeah, that's the thing.

That's a good thing.

Yeah. This is no— everybody had the same loss above replacement this week.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Next game. Memes.

You ready?

Jets 23, Titans 10. Absolute beatdown by the Jets.

I mean, fellas, what a stress-free day of watching football.

This guy—

the Jets go, go into Nashville and, and play a lifeless— that's what the reporters were saying after the game. And you love lifeless Titans team. It was fun. You beat the shit out of them. Beat the shit out of them. Scored 1 touchdown. The game was over.

The Titans had the longest play from scrimmage was 14 yards. They can't do anything. They're the exact same team as last year. Not to overreact, but they looked just awful.

They're not just the same team. They did the hypothetical. If you combine the Jets and Giants, which they did.

Yeah.

You would just end up losing to the Jets.

They would just still be the same. Yeah.

Yeah.

They did change one. The uniforms look better.

If you could buy the Jets and Giants, you just lose to the Jets. But you know what I mean about the uniforms not looking real yet?

Yeah, not yet. But I mean, they, they did look better and like it was an easier screen to look at. Yeah. Is what I'm saying. It made it, it was pleasing to the eye to see that baby blue. Uh, but memes, this was just an absolute shit pumping that you gave him. Geno looked great. Geno, 3,612 days, I believe, since his previous start. with the New York Jets. Yeah, he's back. The rushing attack looked really good.

Oh, Breece Hall looked awesome.

Breece Hall, Braelon. And then it was just— I want Cam Ward to be better than he is because he seems like he's— I like his quotes. He seems like he's locked in. He's a good story. I don't know if he's going to be the guy or not. I want him to be. But every week I feel like I get further and further from thinking that he is.

Yeah, the— it does not look any different. It looks actually almost weirdly worse because the Jets dominated them that bad. Means that was the most you have— the Jets have outgained an opponent in a Week 1 game since 2016. 2014.

Oh, close.

With Geno. So now you guys are back.

Yeah, that could be one of those things that if he never got punched in the face, he probably still could be the quarterback.

I think you also won like week 1 that year and then lost like 7 in a row.

Yeah, that sounds, that sounds right too.

Yeah, but yeah, that you, and you had also all your rookies like Sadiq scored a touchdown. Cooper had a nice, nice play. David Bailey had a sack. It's like everything's coming up Jets. It means you're a winner.

Yeah. Omar, Omar Cooper's first catch and run, I thought he was going to turn into the greatest receiver ever. Unfortunately, did get hurt.

The offensive line looked pretty good too.

Offensive line, they just gave him all day to throw.

Geno said, I don't think I got touched once all day.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, no, Geno was slinging it. Guys were just wide open. And they— and credit to Aaron Glenn, they just stuck to the game plan.

So right now the Giants are winning. They're up 28 to 20. 3 minutes, 40 seconds left in the 4th.

Yep.

With the Jets winning, if this score holds, I believe the last time both teams won in week 1 was 2009.

Damn, that's a long time. Yeah, that's a long-ass time.

That is a long-ass time.

I remember '22 that they won on the same week a lot, but not week—

yeah, I don't know about week 1.

Yeah, yeah.

But Memes, this is, um, between this and the Knicks, I mean, congratulations.

He's got just a different—

Just completely— Hank's sitting on that couch right now because he's a cuck and, and New York is just—

All right, do you feel it coming off Memes?

He's a different guy. Yeah, I'm happy for him.

Me too.

He's just a— he's a cheery guy. He's a different guy. You're not happy for him.

He congratulated everybody. He walked back to the desk. He was like, congrats, Max. Congrats, Colton.

No, I didn't say congrats. Max wasn't sitting back there. I said congrats to Colton. Colton's out.

I mean, he was just—

yeah, he was the Cardinals.

I have a question.

That was an upset win. The Jets were supposed to win that game. I had to— I bet the Jets and Giants were in the Hungry Dog. Like, I was, I was pro-New York this weekend.

Cooper Rush fucked you.

Yeah, but I don't know the fucking Nick Folk.

Yeah, 42-year-old kicker. Are the Titans—

Cooper Rush played good.

Are the Titans the most depressed Cooper Rush did not play good. He played fine for Cooper Rush. Are the Titans the most depressed fan base right now, currently?

Yeah.

Because like, yeah, without a doubt.

And I know the Browns obviously are always in the conversation. No, no, no. But hear me out. Hear me out. And we'll get to the Browns game. I don't— I'm not saying that Browns fans don't want to win. I do think they want to win. But I think because of the history of the Browns, Their depression is almost like a personality trait that it's not like, how did we get here? They're almost like, this is where we've always been.

Loser city. Yeah.

Right.

Well, no, they are not like a city. Yeah, they're depressed because their football team, but it's like, you know, a lot of artists have huge amounts of depression, struggle, and they still go out there and make like great music.

Right.

For example. But that's kind of the Browns fan base. Also the Browns fan base, they're more angry and pissed off. They're like, they're feeling something, right? I think the Titans, their fan base might be so depressed that they're just kind of like, they're stuck in that. They're just numb and they're like, well, this sucks. I don't feel anything.

And they're almost— their, their owner's almost like, like an absentee parent who's like trying to buy, buy them away with new gifts and shit. Like, hey, here are some new uniforms. Oh, new stadium. Oh, new coach.

We got Jets and Giants coaches for you.

Yeah, this is going to be fun. And it's like, no, We still suck. We just want you to be here and be present. The crowd like cleared out of this game and it was— there was a fire Saleh chant that was audible. This is his first game as a Titan. There was a guy who yelled back, bring Wiesenhunt, and you could hear it on the broadcast. That is some like— that is the most rock bottom thing you could ever say. Bring back Wizenhunt.

We miss it. We miss Mike Malarkey.

Come on, guys. I'm laughing, but I'm not. Like, I, I feel for Titans.

That's so brutal. What do you think about Cam Ward? Because I— he was a great college quarterback his last year. He was a lot of fun to watch. I haven't really seen— no, like the best plays that he's made in the NFL have been plays that are like, oh shit, please don't do that. Oh my God, I can't believe that worked.

Yeah.

I, I think it's, uh, Cam Ward could be a good quarterback. He's in a terrible situation. Yeah. So it's, it's, it's not like— I, I just always wonder about that, you know, like what situation obviously matters. Coaching matters.

Yeah.

I mean, look at Caleb year 1 to year 2, like the coaching matters. So, and maybe, maybe he'll get better this year, but yeah, I have not seen it.

They had— they did have one wild-ass play call today where they faked an end-around that like ran behind Cam board and he tossed the ball up in the air. Yeah, like he was pitching it to them, but he was just tossing it up to himself. And then I forget what happened after. I think he just kind of ran forward, maybe took a sack on it. But for the first half that play, I was like, oh shit, the Titans are up to something. This offense could be fun. And then it just wasn't fun. No, it was no fun.

Yeah.

Amari Cooper looked good. Kenyan Sadiq looked awesome. Mims, you got to be happy about everything.

Yeah, I'm fired up. What about Geno slinging it?

Where do we stand about Titans fan Ballin FB, who said, if the Titans lose, I will walk from MetLife to Nissan Stadium? And then after the game, he said, all you people in my mentions, I'm not walking.

Yeah, I would say that Ballin FB, you're cursing the Titans, but I don't really know, like, what could get worse. You know what I'm saying?

I'm trying to think, like, oh no, you're not following through.

You're going to You're going to make the Titans bad.

Stadium funding gets pulled.

I think they already built it.

Yeah. The inspector, the inspector does the walkthrough and he's like, you can't play football here.

Oh, shit. There's an, there's an active volcano underneath this football stadium.

It's starting to crack and there's some, there's mold.

Yeah.

Yeah. Like, that's how sad that is. That's actually Ballin' FFB is He, he is a perfect embodiment of the Titans' current state in the fact that he, he's making a claim, not following through. And I can't even be like, how could you do that, dude?

Mm-hmm.

It's like, whatever. His punishment is bad enough. He has to watch the Titans. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Normally when these things happen, like the BYU guy who had to stick a burrito up his ass, like, dude, we're going to see you stick this burrito up your ass. We're not going to stop bothering you till you put this burrito up your ass.

Did he do it?

Yeah, he did.

Hell yeah.

Uh, this guy, this guy, I don't really care. You don't walk. Who cares, dude? It's the Titans.

Who cares? Memes, this stat, is this true that, um, this was the Jets' first opening drive touchdown that they scored since 2016?

That's sick.

That is true.

You guys are so back. I can't even begin Like, words are not covering how back you are.

We are so back.

What is going through your head right now?

That the Jets are a year ahead of schedule.

Oh, I love that.

That makes sense.

There's nothing better than being a little bit ahead of schedule because they're not supposed to be good.

They're plus, what, 30,000 to win the Super Bowl? So like bottom 4 team is expectation. But like today was one of those. It separates you from the dog shit. If that makes sense.

Yeah, that does make sense.

Let me finish my thought and then I'll call on you. Thank you. But like, nah, now I lost my thought. I'm sorry. PFT question.

Yeah. PFT commenter, part of my Take podcast, Barstool Sports. Are the Jets too good?

Too good? No, no, because there were still a ton of mistakes. Did you see the kick today from the kicker?

I saw the kick from the kicker. Yeah.

It was like the worst kick. In NFL history.

That was a really bad, bad kick. Actually, let's go to our kicking expert, Hank. Hank, how bad was it?

I didn't see it, but I'll take PFT's word for it. He's the kick guy.

It was garbage. It was just dead hook to the left.

But then he figured out how to—

but then he figured out how to correct it.

Yeah, that happens.

That happens.

That happens.

But then he figured it out.

Yeah, which also happens.

But yours, you didn't figure yours out.

I did. Then I got dead foot.

Do you think that the Jets kicker is going to accidentally drive into his garage door tonight?

I don't think so. I don't think so.

But do you know what I'm saying? Like, why are— do you think the Jets might be too good for right now?

No, because they still had that bad clock management at the end of the half. They just have some stuff to clean up, some obvious stuff to clean up.

Are you worried that they might win too many games is what I'm asking?

No, we have so many picks. That's the head of schedule. Okay. We have the Colts pick. We have the Cowboys pick.

So yeah, yeah, you've got teams to actively root against.

Yeah, this is, this is a great year because you could ruin your draft stock while also hate watching other teams hoping they get you a high pick.

Who, who do you have next?

Packers.

Dude, what if you beat the Packers?

That'd be so sick.

No Mika.

That'd be so sick. Do it, do it. I dare you to do it.

So this was the separation game and then next week's, uh, see where you're actually at.

This is separation from the bottom.

From the bottom. Yeah. And now it's— let's, let's see what kind of football team you are.

Okay. So now you win next week. You're now officially a good team.

Actual football team.

That's a good team.

Good team. Good. Moving on up.

Yeah. Where do you think you'd be? Where should we list the Jets in the power rankings?

Not bad.

But like, if we're doing numbers.

17.

Wow, that's good. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it sounds right.

What about—

I do. I am looking forward to just seeing the Jets name above the other teams that are 0-1.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Patriots, Rams.

Yeah.

Well, you think they'll be above them in the power rankings?

I want to know.

You're talking about standings. I don't think you're talking about power.

No, no. You have to power.

Yeah.

How do you do power?

That's actually a good question. How many 0-1 teams will the, will the Jets at 1-0 be behind in the power rankings?

No, you have to be ahead of all of them because you're 1-0.

I don't know if that's how it works when you play the Titans.

Yeah, you play who you play.

That's true.

I agree. Yeah, I agree with that. You're ahead of the Browns, definitely ahead of the Titans, ahead of the Colts. I put you ahead of the Chargers.

That That's the one I'm interested to see.

What?

I think it should go by record.

Okay.

Whatever.

Okay.

Well, they already do have a system that sorts it by record.

Yeah.

Then that's just standing. That's like I said, you said standing. You don't want power rankings. You want standings.

Yeah, you want standings.

Which standings? I can show you standings, but I'll screenshot it and send you standings.

But the standings should have some influence into the power.

I think they do.

They have some.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like Like the Colts last year, like, were they ever number 1 in the power rankings when I think they had the best record in the NFL?

I think so. I don't think at a certain time they—

I don't, I don't think they were. I don't think they were number 1.

So like tomorrow power rankings should be 1 through 16 of 1-0.

No, I like—

so you want me to change how I do power rankings for week 1? Okay.

Power rankings have gone one way forever.

Memes is entitled to make his own power ranking.

Yeah, no, I always say when people get upset about my power rankings, they say, Make your own.

So why don't you make your own and just have it be strictly by, by win-loss?

Yeah.

No, you have to be the standings.

But week 1, you guys aren't. So like week 1, everybody's want to know.

Yeah.

And then there's other teams that don't have any wins.

Mm-hmm. So they're 16 through 32, right? No. Yeah, we understand that concept.

You're making this— this is—

I mean, just do your power rankings based on like the facts of what the records are and then Point differential to separate the teams that have identical records. Yeah, look, that's your power ranking.

Memes, do you— are right now, I'm looking at it, you're 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7th in the power rankings. If you just go sort by record and then point differential.

There you go.

There you go.

Top 10.

Great.

Hey, are you concerned about the Jets?

No.

The Jets are Why not? In all the power rankings right now.

Why not?

Because they're the Jets.

Okay, well, that— never mind. Never mind, Hank. But if I were you, I would be a little bit concerned that they're building something. The future might not be totally dead.

Yeah, they're ahead of schedule of not being a bottom 4 team. Congrats.

I found— I found a power website that did power rankings already.

Already? OK, and the Jets got the Jets at 28.

That's bullshit.

It's up 2 spots.

Wow.

Huge climber.

Need to be up at least 12.

What do you guys want to play? Whose line is that anyway for Jets-Packers?

Yeah. Yeah.

Where is it?

Jets.

It's in New York. I looked it up.

Jets minus 6. I think it's after everything I just—

I think it's Packers plus 3. I'm sorry, Packers -3.

I'm going to say Packers -4.5. Bang.

4.5.

Nice.

I thought it would be a little— I think that's a respectable line for— I thought they think—

I thought it would have been higher.

So they're—

yeah, I think that— yeah, they just think the Jets are going to be in that game. Well, but 4.5. Yeah.

The spread is, is, is a power ranking of sorts.

Yes.

The Packers are 0-1. The Jets are 1-0. The Packers are favored by 4.5 in—

you're just going to confuse me.

I see where you're saying— I see where you're coming from. Vegas doesn't respect, uh, the power rankings.

Yeah, that's true. That's facts.

Yep, true.

Okay, last game of the early slate, Jaguars 34, Browns 10. Jaguars good, Browns bad.

That's about it. Uh, Deshaun Watson really bad.

Well, the score is—

hold on—

better than Yeah, hold on. Crazy to say because it was 34-10.

Is Deshaun Watson Mr. Fourth Quarter? He was 7 for 7, 126 yards. The score was 34-3.

Yep.

It was the absolute definition of junk, of garbage time. In quarters 1 through 3, he was 9 for 15 for 79 yards.

Yeah. The Browns had— the Browns had— it's going to be tough to beat this one. All season, maybe the saddest field goal that we'll see all year. They were down 31, I believe, in the third quarter, kicked a field goal to cut a 4-score game to a different 4 scores. And then right after that, immediately lost it back and went down, I believe, 34 to 3.

Yeah.

Todd Monken, I understand why he did it. He's a first-year head coach. You don't want to get shut out in your first game. as a first-year head coach.

Yes, I'd agree. But also, well, he forgot about Mr. Fourth Quarter.

Forgot about Mr. Fourth Quarter. But also extremely sad kick to have Todd Monken send his team out there to try. And, and after the game, all the— he's very quickly learning what it's like to be a head coach for the Cleveland Browns because every question was just, what are you going to do about the quarterback?

Yeah.

He's like, I don't know, man. Everyone sucks.

He said I'm sure as hell not firing me when he was asked about Sean Watson. So he's already getting defensive and being like, hey, I'm not going to fire— I'm not firing me, guys. I'm sure as hell not firing me. I'm not firing our staff. I'm not getting rid of all of our players. He happens to be one of 53. So we'll evaluate everything. We just didn't play good enough, didn't coach well enough. Also, Todd Monken, I'm not saying that I don't believe him because he seems like a nice guy. Did you see that he, he did a Dan Hurley in the postgame?

Drank his own piss?

No, a different Dan Hurley.

Headbutted?

He said, we're not where we want to be and they better get us now. I don't know, dude.

Mm-hmm.

This is famously Dan Hurley calling the shot when he was like, get us now because we're coming. We're going to, we're going to be a lot better. And then he called the shot and won national titles. Todd Monken is kind of trying to do the same thing. Like, hey, you can beat us now, but watch out for the Browns later.

I hope you get your kicks in.

Yeah.

Have fun beating us this year. And everyone's going to be like, yeah, okay. Yeah, sure. We will, dude. That sounds actually awesome. I think we will do that. Yeah. The Jags have won, I believe it's 7 in a row.

In regular season.

Yeah. In the regular season. So 9. Well, no. So they lost to the Bills, right? The playoffs. But so, yeah, I guess it would be 7 in a row.

In regular season.

In regular season. Their offense looked awesome.

Yeah, Trevor Lawrence was never like pressured. He threw the ball to 9 or 10 different targets. 9 different guys caught a pass. He looked super comfortable. They picked up basically right where they left off. And it was— they dominated. They absolutely shit— they killed— they dominated the Browns. This was never a game. The Browns, Deshaun Watson, And we were wrong. Like, obviously it's a long season, but the defense didn't look much better than like we thought the defense was going to be keeping them in games. Didn't happen today.

Not at all.

Did not happen.

That's why I give a lot of credit to the Jags offense, because I do think that the Browns defense, they're not this bad.

Right.

I think they'll show that they're, they're going to be one of the stronger units in the league. But today, it was just a masterclass from Liam Cohen. And Trevor Lawrence.

Yeah. Yeah. It was dominant. Yeah, it was, it was dominant. And they even had Josh, Josh Allen. Josh Heinz Allen said after the game that he was shocked the Browns took the ball. He said when the Browns wanted to receive, I was like, oh, okay. Then we got an interception 5 plays later. It's like, yeah, that's exactly how the game went. He, I mean, Deshaun Watson threw a perfect pass to the linebacker. It was game over right then and there. And there's, there's something about like getting your ass kicked in Jacksonville in September when it's a million degrees. It just looks extra bad. The sun is so bright. You know, you like really look like a bad team when that happens.

People are in the pool laughing at you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There were some people that were wearing Browns jerseys and Jaguars hats. I figured they just must be either very confused.

I thought that was So it was someone wearing a Shedeur jersey and a Jaguar hat. I just assumed they're a huge Colorado football fan.

Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe a member of the Sanders family.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where that, that, that would be the only— I don't even know, like, what is that, a faux pas? Like, everyone just be like, we feel—

we have—

I don't know what's going on, dude.

They're— yeah, they're doing split uniforms to make their— to make the Browns feel better. Because they're so bad.

Yeah.

Like not even taking you seriously as an opponent. Oh, I feel bad for Browns fans. I do.

Yeah.

It's, it's got to be such dog shit to deal with this year in, year out. No end to the— and just when you seem like you have maybe an answer, you throw that away. And the way that you throw it away is by making your team not only unwatchable, but also unroot-for-able in terms of who you decide to bring in.

Correct.

To turn around your team from a spot where you're at the best place that you've been in maybe the last 30 years.

Yes. That's—

I feel bad for Browns fans.

Oh, I— it goes without saying. You don't even— you really don't even have to say it. It's like kind of an implied— it's, it's a test of whether you're a human being or not. Do you, do you feel bad for like Like, it's just, it's a shitty— their franchise just kicks them in the nuts repeatedly. I also respect—

I respect the fuck out of Browns fans.

Oh, definitely.

Hank?

Yeah.

Do you respect Browns fans?

Ohio State lost in a heartbreaker on Saturday.

Yeah, tough, tough, tough weekend for the people of Cleveland. I just hated to see it. There's probably a lot of Ohio State Browns fans and they just woke up mad and are going to wake up Monday even more mad. That's the one thing that's just too bad.

So I at least say I have a beautiful, you know, beautiful—

what?

Just they live in Cleveland or Ohio. So they're—

they're— Cleveland's actually pretty nice.

Yeah.

The Flats have come a long way. Hank, don't do that. Machine Gun Kelly, you're an enemy of the state of Ohio. Bone thugs.

I know. Yeah. They say terrible things to me.

What a great—

they deserve this.

Well, you said terrible things to them.

Not really.

Yeah.

You said the truth.

Truth hurts. I, I do sometimes forget that Browns fans are usually Ohio State fans and that, that makes me feel better about the whole situation.

I don't.

Tate always reminds us.

I think that it's nice that the universe kind of slapped— like it shakes your hand on Saturday and then slaps you in the dick on Sunday.

Not right now. Ohio State's lost 3 out of the last 4. Isn't that a crazy thing to say out loud? Lost 3 out of the last 4.

Maybe Todd DeMott Todd Monken get a little nipple pierce.

Well, I kind of like what you're about to do there. Todd DeMunken.

Todd DeMunken.

I think maybe come in as Todd DeMunken.

Everything runs on Monken. Yeah.

Todd DeMunken, I think, would, would, would bench Deshaun for sure. It's just so crazy that they're in a situation where like it's Deshaun actually might be the best option they have.

I don't doubt that at all.

Right.

They don't even have a Cooper Rush. They should trade for a Cooper Rush.

Flacco.

Yeah.

I mean, this is the curse of Flacco. They had— they go to the playoffs, Joe Flacco. Joe Flacco is like the best dude ever.

Who do you think— wait, so how many, how many yards passing did Deshaun have in the 4th?

126 yards, 7 for 7.

You got to build off that. Yes.

I'm saying, Mr. 4th Quarter.

Build off it.

Yeah.

That's like Drake in the Super Bowl.

Yeah.

Yeah.

9 for 15, 79 yards in the first 3 quarters, which some would say is just as important because if you play that bad in the first 3 quarters, you'll probably be down 34 to 3.

You think, you know, the terrible towels they have in Jacksonville called the Jag, the Jag rag. You think Deshaun took a couple home?

Yes, definitely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Who is the— Geno said, I wasn't even touched today.

Yeah.

That's Deshaun's worst nightmare.

Not be. Yeah.

Wasn't even touched.

He should go to that place by the— Zach, are the Browns in town?

Do they, do they come to Chicago? No, they came last year.

I bet he did.

Yeah, multiple times.

Browns at the Bucs next weekend.

I talked to a Browns fan close to us and he said this is their Super Bowl next week. So that's pathetic. It was tough. What do you mean?

He just said this is the Super Bowl.

No, it's not.

For some reason, our Browns fans are somehow mad at Baker Mayfield for them getting rid of him.

That doesn't make any sense.

That makes no sense. I mean, I get mad at your organization.

I understand that Baker played while he was injured. And so he, he wasn't as good as he could have been. But you have to understand Baker and you have to have somebody that's, that's willing to bench him. Be like, hey dude, get surgery.

I will say, all right, one positive thing for the Browns. Ready? You definitely won the Myles Garrett trade thus far. Myles Garrett, knee surgery, out for at least 4 weeks.

Yeah, that's true.

You won the Myles— Jared Verse didn't have a great game today, but you still, you won the Myles Garrett trade thus far.

Yeah.

Myles Garrett wins a ring. Maybe we change the update on who won the trade. But as of right now, you're the winner of that trade.

If I'm Todd DeMuncken, what I would do after this game is I would, I would keep the boys in Florida.

Yeah.

You know how like Sean McVay likes to keep guys on the East Coast if he's playing back-to-back games? Yep. You lose to the Jags, you got the Bucs. Let's just stay in Florida this week. Let's say we don't want to screw up the time zones, even though I'm pretty sure Ohio and Cleveland is the exact same time zone. You can't bounce. If you make that many trips back and forth between Florida and Ohio, there's going to be flock cameras that put you on suspicion of meth dealing.

Yes.

So you want to just stay in Florida for a long time. Get a nice hotel, maybe by the beach. A lot of great places to go out to eat in Florida. Get some good seafood in Tampa and maybe hit some of the gentlemen's clubs there and acclimate yourself.

Sounds like a good time.

Yep.

Sounds like a good time.

You're getting paid to be an NFL head coach right now. Why not enjoy yourself, Todd?

Todd DeMunken, let loose. Let those fingers fly. Okay, let's, let's, let's, let's break and we'll, we'll come back with the afternoon slate and also Sunday Night Football.

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ID, ID verification required to use a balance. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank Verification required to use a balance. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A. Okay. Afternoon games. Let's start. Should we start with the Eagles-Commanders? Should we end with the Eagles-Commanders? What do you want, Max?

It's—

I mean, you're the one who's going to be going through it.

I'm not going through it. If you mean providing an honest and right down the middle, straight up recap of the game.

Yeah, that's what—

yeah.

Yeah, that was a good promo. We'll end with you guys.

All right. Yeah.

Cliffhanger. Dolphins-Raiders. Raiders 27, Dolphins 13. I don't know. The Dolphins are just— they might be the worst team in the NFL.

Yeah.

The Dolphins play the Titans this year. That'll be the shit bowl.

We got to— we got to— that should be a Thursday night game.

The reason why If we go back and talk about, you know, how the Titans are the most depressed fan base, at least the Dolphins know, everyone knows, Dolphins fans, Dolphins organization, we're rebuilding all of it.

Yeah, this is actually, it's, it's going to suck this year.

Right.

And maybe next year for the Dolphins.

Right.

But they're trying to do it the right way, I would say. I mean, the best part of this game for Dolphins fans, Malik Willis had cool shoes.

I had the opposite take.

You don't like, You don't like the emerald sparkly slippers that he put on?

I think you need to be a good football team to be wearing those. I think you should start with maybe, maybe shoeless. Max Crosby made him shoeless for a play. He ripped his shoe off. Max Crosby was everywhere. This is the type of games Max Crosby is good all the time, but especially when it's like you're not even putting a real football team out there. Max Crosby is just going to fuck you up. He was pressured. Malik Willis pressured 17 times, sacked 5 times. I think the shoes are a little too sparkly for how bad the Dolphins are going to be at football this year.

I think the shoes worked though.

Yeah. Because I think those are cool.

I think they worked in that they were like a distraction.

Yeah.

Like you see some animals have like little things on their body that they use to lure would-be predators away.

Yep.

Like that's what it did for Max Crosby. He was like, oh, sparkly shoe. He tackled that. Malik Willis got away on that play.

Yeah.

Yeah, so I guess it cost him— it earned him one sack. Um, but yeah, the Dolphins are gonna be bad all year long. It's gonna be very, very ugly. The Raiders actually— again, I don't know if it's because they were playing the Dolphins, but the Raiders, they didn't look bad today.

They didn't look bad. I don't know, I think Fernando Mendoza is going to play sooner than we think because Kirk Cousins, good, you know, incredible career. Uh, I actually think he's gonna be good, you know, if he wants to stay a backup and be on an NFL roster for a while. But it feels like he doesn't have the same zip, downfield zip. Maybe it's because of the age, injury, I don't know.

More touchdown passes than John Elway today. That's true.

He just, uh, it just wasn't like— it didn't— and also, this is not on Kirk all, like, all of it on Kirk because they don't have a ton of weapons. Brock Bowers is out. It didn't feel like the Raiders were ever threatening downfield. And if you— when you play a team that's not named the Miami Dolphins, it might look a little different.

Yeah, it's a very good possibility.

But he was, he was a, he was a competent— he's been better than what the Raiders have had. He had 70% completion percentage. Like, he has raised the floor of what the Raiders have been doing at the quarterback position.

I would say, like, especially without having Brock Bowers. Yeah, the offense didn't look terrible. Kirk Cousins, 3 touchdowns, 2 interceptions. That's a very un-Kirk Cousins stat line. So I like that he was at least— I like that he puts the ball in danger every now and again. Good for Kirk.

Yeah, but like 30 attempts for 160 yards is You know.

Oh yeah, that's—

we're, we're keeping it close to the line of scrimmage.

I would say their, their biggest threat in the passing game today was probably Ashton Gentry.

Ashton Gentry, that would be the biggest thing.

Yeah, of this game.

This was Ashton Gentry's probably best game as a pro. I mean, he was, he was everywhere. Uh, that was good to see. Michael Mayer's was pretty good. I don't know why I had an S there. Michael Mayer was good. Their defense looked good. The Raiders, I mean, hey, They did win week 1 last year, but the Raiders— they did win week 1 last year. They played the Patriots. Similar to memes and the Jets, this felt like a measuring stick game of the levels to maybe being bad. They raised the level where it's like, we're not the worst. Last year they were the worst. They are no longer the worst.

Definitely not the worst. Although nobody bails on a throw like Kirk Cousins though. There were a couple of those where he was, he's about to get hit and he's like, he's got his head turned and his shoulder turned as he's still somehow driving the ball downfield. I'm going to miss that when it's gone. So I hope that he gets at least a couple more games. Do you want to try to figure out, play a game? When will the Dolphins win their first game?

I would love to play that game.

Okay. Let's look. This is going to be fun because they play.

Oh, oh, oh, let's, let's add a wrinkle to it. to it. Okay. Who will win a game first, Titans or Dolphins? You get— I'll do Titans.

We'll go, we'll go bar for bar.

Schedule.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This will be fun.

Okay.

And we're not overreacting.

These teams do suck, but they might lose every game.

Yeah.

At the Niners.

This is week 2.

Week 2 for the Dolphins.

I think that's going to be a loss. The Titans are playing the Philadelphia Eagles. That will be a loss.

That will be a loss.

Okay.

Although the Niners They spent a long time in Australia.

It's true.

Doesn't matter. It's the Dolphins.

Okay. Well, who's got— who do the Dolphins have week 3?

That's a little bit insulting, isn't it? That, you know, the NFL tried to give the Niners a little bit of a break for agreeing to go overseas and play in Australia. And their break is you have to play a Sunday game, but it's against the Dolphins. Yeah. The Chiefs week 3.

Week 3, the Dolphins play the Chiefs where? In Miami?

Miami.

It's going to be hot.

It is.

I'm going to say that's not a win for the Dolphins.

Not a win.

The Titans are playing at the New York Giants, who we just watched win Sunday Night Football. I'm going to say that's not a win either.

I think the Giants might be good.

Yes.

Yes. Okay. We're at week—

so no wins so far. At the Vikings.

No win.

You think that's it? You think that Carson Wentz or Kyler?

Brian Flores.

Wentzel soda.

Brian Flores. Blitzing the fuck out of Malik Willis is going to be a—

well, they're going to win eventually.

How did he do against the Vikings in the last couple of years?

I don't know if he— because he does know games, but he didn't play in those games.

I don't think—

I don't think he played in those games last year because he played early, played late last year. I don't have a memory of it, but yeah, I don't have a memory of it. I have a memory of JJ McCarthy playing against the Packers last year. He did not play against the Vikings and he did not play against the Vikings.

So we haven't seen it. Don't know.

Okay. So that is, that's week 4. You're saying that's a win. Okay. The week 4 for the Titans, they play at Baltimore. That's a loss.

That's a loss too. Yeah.

Yeah.

Week 5.

Week 5 for the Miami Dolphins is going to be against the Bengals at home.

That is a loss.

I agree.

Week 5 for the Titans is going to be at home against the Houston Texans. Oh, that is a loss.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a lot.

Memes is saying, I don't know. Speak memes.

You never know. Division games play tight. Okay.

The next week for the Dolphins is going to be at the Jets. Oh, I'm not going to say it.

It's at the Dolphins.

No, at the Jets.

Oh, that's a win.

That's a win for the Jets.

In Miami, different story.

In Miami, could be different.

Yeah.

I'm looking right now, the Titans, I think so. Week 6, they play at the Colts. Week 7, they play at home against the Browns. I think the, I think the Titans are going to get their first win before November. Can you find one for the Dolphins?

I got the Dolphins winning the next week, the first day of November.

Okay.

And this is not like a lot of people are going to be like, oh, PFT likes to make fun of the Patriots, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hank will tell you the Dolphins always beat the Patriots home.

It's true.

In Miami.

It's true.

So there it is.

So November 1st is what I'm saying for the Dolphins' first win.

I think we should maybe see if we can get this as a bet. Who wins a game first? Titans. Again, we're not overreacting. I think both these teams are bad.

Yeah.

I think Dolphins fans would tell you that. They'll say, yeah, we're, we're intentionally trying to be bad this year.

This is what should replace the Pro Bowl. It should be the Dolphins Against the Titans.

Best of 7.

And yeah, best. I don't know about— I don't know if America can handle that. But winner gets first.

Whoa, whoa.

You would take that game 8 weeks ago. You take a 4-yard loss.

Don't take me out to the balcony.

Yes. By the way, shout out our guy Jake. 2 scoregommies today. I think the Packers and Vikings and the Bears and Panthers.

That's, that's wild.

Huge double trouble.

I would say wild.

Okay. Anything else from this game?

Good for the Raiders.

Good for the Raiders. Good for the Raiders. Good for the Raiders. I think the Raiders are in that frisky territory, especially when, like, if Max Crosby can win a game early and be like, hey, this doesn't absolutely suck dick playing for this team. And that is, again, I didn't mean to disparage Kirk Cousins because I— it's Father Time's undefeated. It's like he's, he's just not not exactly the same as he used to be. You can say the same thing for Aaron Rodgers. Kirk Cousins does make them way more of a real football team than they have been in the past few years. Like, he, he raises the floor of both professionalism and— he started the game 9 for 9. Like, he can move the ball. I just don't know if he has to play against a really good defense if it's going to look great.

I don't— yeah, it's, it's Kirk Cousins, but it's also They addressed the offensive line a little bit. The system that they're in now is much, much friendlier to protecting the quarterback and not getting him absolutely destroyed.

Yeah.

So yeah, it is the Raiders today, and it might be because they played against the Dolphins, but today the Raiders were absolutely a watchable football team.

Yes. And I think it's more like you're going to want to see if the Raiders, the, the parts around the Raiders are decent, you're going to want to see Fernando Mendoza soon. Like, you don't draft the guy first overall and have him sit all year. See what it looks like. But Kirk Cousins, good game. Good win.

Ashton Ginty, good game, even though he got, he got destroyed.

Yes.

On one play.

Uh, okay, next up, Vikings 39, Packers 22. This was quite the game because we had, uh, the Packers outgained the Vikings 419 to 239. They, uh, were up 22 to 10 with 3 minutes left in the third quarter. And then they allowed 29 consecutive points. And man, was it a shame to see the Packers come completely unhinged and lose their 6th straight game. 6th straight game. I think they haven't lost 6 straight in a very, very long time as a franchise.

And they're losing big. They're getting big leads and then blowing them in the second half consistently.

Now they are doing it basically the same exact way that they lost the Broncos game. Yeah, the Bears game in the playoffs. The Packers have lost 6 straight dating back to last season, including the playoffs, their longest losing streak since 1990 and '91. They led by more than, uh, 1 score, so 9+ points in the second half of 4 of those losses: Week 15 at Denver, Week 16 in Chicago, the wildcard game in Chicago, and today. Yeah, that's crazy.

It's weird. They, they— I, I don't know what LaFleur is doing. Um, some would say that the turning point might have been when he took points off the board. Now, do you agree that you never take points off the board?

I think in this situation— so the situation was this: it was, uh, the Packers were up 5, it was 4th and 5 at, uh, the Minnesota 17, and they kicked the field goal good. Offsides on the, on the Vikings, it was 4th and 6, it becomes 4th and 1. They then go for it, get stuffed. So instead of an 8-point game, it's back to a 5-point Now, I don't like the Packers. I was happy to watch them completely come unglued at the seams, and it was fun to watch.

And they have— they have—

they clearly have a mentality problem that has, that has kind of seeped into there where they just can't close games. I will say that, that roughing the passer was bullshit. That was a very significant part of the game. So after they took points off the board, Carson Wentz, uh, it was a 3rd and 3, pretty routine hit on the quarterback and an incompletion. They called that roughing the passer. The Vikings then go on to score a touchdown, and then the Packers— the Packers don't have the— didn't have the mental fortitude to overcome this moment. But that was a shitty moment. Like, that was a bad call in my mind. Even Lil Wayne said refs in Minnesota game pure pussy.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, it is. I mean, look at it. That was not—

the thing is, like, when Carson Wentz gets hit, uh, he is going to act like he got roughed every single time.

Correct.

Like, you see him get hit and you're like, oh my God, is he okay?

Yeah.

Uh, that is bullshit. But again, by the letter of the law, that's the right call. The law just sucks.

Yeah. No, I— and I, I just— that did— that was a significant play in the game where the Vikings— again, I think that is partially like the Packers When one thing goes bad for them, they— it kind of spirals. Because then it really did spiral where Jordan Love fumbled and there's interception, and Brian Flores was just in his bag. He blitzed 78% of, of the dropbacks. He had, uh, Jordan Love in hell. And it looked like the Packers, they should have won this game. They were in control of this game. They just— they, they didn't make adjustments. The Packers offensive line looked like they were completely lost. And Jordan Love was trying to play hero ball. Dallas Turner was an absolute menace, just a force in this game. And it ends up that the Packers lost. Like, if you told Packers fans, hey, Carson Wentz is going to come into this game and you're going to lose by— you're going to outgain him almost double and then you're going to end up losing by 17, they'd be like, we can't believe you.

Yeah. If you look at the team stats for this game, it's, it's actually shocking that the Packers lost. So the Vikings had 239 total yards. The Packers had 419 total yards. And not only did the Vikings win, but they won by 17 points. It's kind of crazy. Now people are like, oh, you never take points off the board. I think people say that because it sounds cool and it's an easy rule to remember. I don't hate the idea. I don't, I don't hate the decision that they made.

To go for it?

Yeah, to go for it.

I can't, I can't. We give Matt LaFleur enough guff about not stepping on throws. And, and, and that has been a problem that you can't then— it would be hypocritical critical of us to be like, dude, how do you do that?

I agree with you. Sometimes you take points off the board.

If they score a touchdown on that drive, the game's probably over.

Yeah. How many times have you played blackjack and you, you hit on a hand and then the next hand you're like, well, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I'll double. Yeah, I'll double my bet. Like the process, I don't think was bad by LaFleur, but when it, when it doesn't work, it bites you in the ass. And then when you have a history in the last 6 games of getting bitten repeatedly in your ass, then people are going to be like, hey, why did you tempt fate to get bitten in the ass?

Again, it's a very, it's a very meatball thing to say, but it does feel like the Packers like lack that mental toughness. And maybe the answer is that when Micah Parsons comes back, you get a closer who can, can, can end these games. Gruden talks about it all the time, but it does feel like these games get away from them with just one bad thing happens and then next thing you know, it's an avalanche.

Yeah. Kyler Murray knocked out with a little concussion. I mean, little, like I didn't mean that Not because he's short.

He looks really little.

He did look small. We knew that was going to happen in the Vikings purple.

But when he was like scrambling, I just kept on saying, wee.

Yeah, he looked— it looked adorable.

Yeah.

Now again, don't want to victim blame here. Kyler kind of put his head there.

That sounds like a lot of victim blaming.

Well, when you slide, you put your— if somebody's trying, like starting a tackle, if they're, if they're beginning the form tackle, and then you slide and your head ends up at their pad level. It sucks. I don't think it was a malicious hit. I don't think it was like— football is a violent sport. And there were, there were 2 guys that were trying to tackle him. When you put your head down at that level, you kind of sometimes invite contact. And it was bad contact because it was like one guy took the helmet off and then the other guy hit him. Yeah, but it was, it was super unfortunate. I hope that he's okay.

Can you go back up to the hit, Max, instead of showing some guy jump off his balcony?

I got distracted.

You got so distracted.

Go back to the video. I mean, I looked at Kyler Murray.

Yeah, I want to watch it again while PFT is describing this. I'm making—

yeah.

See, both the guys start going in as Kyler is still running.

It wasn't as much as the—

what do you got?

What do you think in the booth? He did kind of—

I mean, the angle where you're seeing that we just showed, that one is— that one's a bad angle.

I'll say this in terms of like hits to the head. I did not think that that was the most egregious guy headhunting hit possible.

Rico Bosco victim blamed for another reason.

Why?

In the cave today.

Why?

He said that players in the NFL don't their helmets aren't tight enough.

I agree. It's true.

He was like, for 4 years, college football never once had my helmet pop off.

He did say that.

Yeah, that's right. And he's right.

There's no way to check him on that.

But no way he would—

he would not lie about it.

So, yeah, Kyler Murray, I, I would assume he's going to be back in a couple of weeks. Carson Wentz, it wasn't— it wasn't like he had to— he had a couple short fields, but he made Justin Jefferson Do you know that that was the first touchdown of 20-plus air yards since 2024 for Justin Jefferson? So last year he just, I mean, he was in hell.

I did know that today Justin Jefferson had 2 touchdowns. He had 2 touchdowns all of last year. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think that was probably fun for Justin Jefferson. He looked, he looked like he was having a blast. It was, it was a shocking game because it really was. It was the first time in NFL history a team was down by 12-plus points with under 20 minutes left in regulation, end up winning by 17-plus points. Yeah, the swing was nuts. And it just, it was just an avalanche that just kept on going against the Packers. Again, love to see it. But yeah, you're, if you're a Packer fan, you're like, what was this? This is exactly how we ended the season. Why hasn't anything changed?

Yeah, it's like a ghost that keeps following you around. And why does this keep happening to us? This was not a routine thing for the Packers until very, very recently. So what's going on? Yeah, there is a new superfan that I was not aware of that I spotted today at this game.

Okay.

A Vikings superfan. He's got one of those, you know, the giant horns that you blow.

Okay.

I think he also drinks beer out of it.

Okay.

Kind of like guy stuff, you know, like it's a horn but also chug. His name is Sir Death. Have you heard of Sir Death before?

No.

I mean, this guy looks fucking awesome. I feel like this guy, he's somehow slipped between the cracks for us.

Viking Sir Death. Oh, this guy rocks.

See, look at this guy.

Wow, that's a lot of tattoos on his body.

A little, uh— oh man, a little Vikings, uh, Game of Thrones kind of Pirates of the Caribbean slash also Slipknot.

Yeah, I'm into Sir Death.

Like, this is a guy that if we're talking just like battle royale with all superfans, this guy would probably kill most other superfans.

Yeah, Sir Death. Yeah, I hope he doesn't talk. I don't want to see Sir Death talk, you know what I mean?

Mm-hmm. Look at the giant dragon tattoo he's got on his belly.

Sir Death, what a badass. I have to— he said, I have to laugh when these people say all that for— all that for a team with no Super Bowl. To me, like, it's an insult. The only reason you cheer for a team is because they've won a Super Bowl in the past. It means you wouldn't have been a fan if they lost. That is the definition of bandwagon fan. Yeah. All this for a team with no Super Bowl because the Viking fan base is better than yours. OK. OK, Sir Death.

Yeah. Amen, Sir Death.

Damn, Sir Death.

This dude is— he will fuck you up. They should have— they should let Sir Death get a couple of reps in. If you have like a 15-point lead in the 4th quarter, let Sir Death rush the passer.

Yeah. Not to overreact.

Memes.

I think you could end the Packers season.

Oh, wait, wait. Here's the, the bio for Sir Death Max just highlighted. I like sunsets, long walks on the beach, and drinking from the skulls of my enemies. Just kidding. Fuck sunsets and beaches.

Oh, he had us in the first half.

Yep. I thought he was going to enjoy, like, you know, holding hands, cuddling puppies.

I thought he was saying, just kidding, I don't drink, you know, from the skulls of my enemies.

Nope.

He took out the sunsets and beaches.

Mm-hmm.

Whoo!

Yeah, memes.

I agree with you.

Do it.

Just got to let him get a lead.

Do it.

And if you blow a lead against the Jets, you should quit.

This might be worst, worst loss of Sunday. Bias, but yep, because it's maybe the Browns, but it's kind of— but you knew the Browns are going to suck. Like, it's kind of like I was talking about when we started the show talking about the Texans, that if the Texans had had a game where they held the Bills to 14 points, CJ Stroud looked like shit, you would have said to yourself, man, this is— this hasn't changed. The Packers lost the same way they lost their last 5 games of last season when they had like a historic collapse.

This is second worst loss of the week.

You're gonna say Chargers, and I agree.

Yeah.

All right, let's do that game. Cardinals 26, Chargers 14. Inexcusable for the Chargers, and not— that's no offense to the Cardinals, but they looked bad, real bad. And it wasn't all Justin Herbert. He didn't look great. Their defense got diced up by Jacoby Brissett. It felt like guys were open all day for the Cardinals.

Not only Jacoby Brissett's arm, but his legs too. Like, he was scrambling effectively.

Yeah, great holdout by him. Yeah, worth every penny. It's the first, uh, uh, full-time Cardinals head coach to win their first game coaching since 1973.

I saw that.

Shout out Mike LaFleur.

It was an incredible win. Don Corriale, yeah, was the last Cardinals head coach to win their debut.

The Chargers though, they were so— there was penalties again, they kept on getting backed up. They averaged 12 on 3rd downs today. They averaged 12.4 yards to go. That's so hard to do, to average that. Yeah, that's so, so hard to do. They looked like shit, man.

I almost think that Jacoby Brissett should hold out again now. Yeah, like, he's— is Jacoby Brissett the most underpaid quarterback in football?

It's a good question.

All right. So I reached out to Shane because Shane got—

Oh, where's Shane?

He got blue dot fever is what the kids are calling it. Oh, by the way, he's, he's home sick, but he actually— he called in sick before the game. Maybe his body just knew.

Okay.

Yeah. But I asked him for comment on the Chargers and he said he has too many comments on the Chargers. It's the dumbest he's ever seen the team platooning our left guard to swap drop every other drive for the backup to get blown up every time. False start, holding, false start, calling a timeout with 2 left— with 4 minutes left to not get delay of game on 3rd and 30. Dumbass Herbert pick to guy in double coverage the size of—

That's the GOAT you're talking about. Herbo threw a meatball.

Dumbass. I'm gonna read this sentence again.

Wait, does he think it's false start?

He might think it's False Start. Dumbass Herbert picked— False Start is great. Dumbass Herbert picked a guy in double coverage the size of PFT. No offense. Oh, I felt like you didn't have to include that part.

Big stupid pick guy.

He is a stupid pick guy.

Right, Max. Never wrong. Just early.

Needed to win with the schedule they have, the 3rd hardest in the last decade. Defense was Staley-level bad. Sorry for so many messages. That's all.

Yeah, I mean, he's right. This was as much of a must-win as you could have given the Chargers schedule. Like, we did that bet where we took all of our teams over, over wins. The Chargers just lost that bet for us.

Yep.

They have such a hard schedule coming up.

They go—

they have the Raiders next week, then they play the Bills, Seahawks, Broncos, Chiefs, Rams, Texans, Ravens.

Sheesh.

Yikes.

I just listed like—

Can we pull up the Harbaugh clip talking about Herbert?

Oh, this is mean.

This was—

this was saying he's the best quarterback of all time. The dumbest.

The dumbest. Like, Harbaugh is a smart guy. This was the dumbest thing you could ever say right before a season.

Yeah. No, I don't think so. He loves this guy.

He's trying to gas him up. He loves this guy. He's trying to tell him, like, I believe in you.

Yeah.

If you believe—

you could say that to him privately.

He's saying, I believe in this guy and it's my fault if he doesn't succeed.

Yeah.

He said, I— all right, go ahead. Like Babe Ruth pointing over the bat over the center field. Justin Herbert, when it's all said and done, when his, when his career comes to an end, I predict he will be known as the, the greatest, best ever to play the position of quarterback.

Okay, so it's a little bit crazy to say that, yes, but Harbaugh is a little bit of a crazy guy. And in his defense, he was being interviewed by Michael Irvin. And if you're talking to Michael Irvin, you gotta say something crazy. You kind of have to match his crazy sometimes. Yeah, you get carried away.

How old is Justin Herbert? 27.

The thing is, like, he's at the age where if he doesn't start winning—

He's never won a playoff game.

And winning big.

26.

It's almost impossible for him.

28.

Oh, he's 28.

28.

28.

Oh, no.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Like, no, I—

His ship might have sailed already on being the best.

Yeah.

Yes.

I think it's impossible.

Brady and Mahomes both had rings when they were, what, 24, 25? Yeah, multiple.

I'm not saying that Herbert's not going to be a very good— I have him as my MVP this year. Um, I feel really dumb with that pick right now.

Yeah, he was bad.

But I don't think it's po—

you know what, I'm, I'm just gonna let Harbaugh come Let Harbaugh cook and we'll just see where we end up. And Mahomes is 30 right now, so he must have— so he had one ring. What year was that?

2018.

So he had a ring when he was like 23 years old.

Yeah.

And another—

Brady was 24.

Yeah. So yeah, I think it's— I think he's in trouble. Madison Beer is very attractive. Can we just all admit that?

Yeah, I wish the Chargers had done better so they would have showed her more.

Yes, her outfit. Great week 1 outfit. And we're a fashion podcast, so it's not— this is not us. The glasses. Great glasses.

Glasses. I like the really good eyewear. I like the string on her string. Like, what kind of lace is that on her shirt? I think a really high quality, well-designed string. Can we zoom in on the string?

You're right, Hank. Justin Herbert. Justin Herbert should apologize to us.

Yeah, she should. He should.

He should.

Sorry.

Damn, it's a great string.

She's very attractive.

I think that they should show her more, even if they're losing. I want to see— I would like to see her reaction after he throws a pick.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe she should wear a split jersey with, with whatever team they're playing. So it's like, hey, she's just rooting for football. She wears an NFL hat. Now Max is on her Instagram.

It's pretty horny stuff.

Scrolling through her Instagram.

I mean, we're talking about her. I thought maybe you would know.

I— we see— we know what she looks like. We saw her talking about the game. And we're talking about the game, dude. You're talking about her fucking—

the string.

The string was nice.

The string. I'm a fashion guy.

Yeah, we're fashion.

We open up the— we open up this door here.

It is a door.

What about—

what about punishment? Punishment for picks? You have to wear that string shirt for the entire week of Super Bowl. You look ridiculous.

So you could fit right in in LA.

Oh, spicy take.

I mean, Jerry O'Connell, like Jerry O'Connell would wear that pretty Trevor probably has that shirt.

Go off, Hank, go off. Yeah, this is a really bad loss. This good win for the Cardinals. Cardinals were supposed to be the— did they have the lowest win total? Like, they were supposed to—

yeah, really, really bad.

They look good.

They were tied for lowest win total, and, uh, they— yeah, they didn't look bad at all today.

They moved the ball, they, they, they played. They turned the ball over, like, they get— they had a couple turnovers. I know they turned them over in the first half. I think there was a fumble and then the kick, and then they— I think they blocked a punt. So all 3 phases.

Ladd McConkey, um, got a rib shot. I think he might have been— I don't know if he was taken to the hospital or he was taken for x-rays. That sucked. But he got, he got jacked up on that play.

Yep. Uh, there was Trey McBride, still a beast.

Trey McBride is just incredible, just catches everything. Uh, there's also a new guy that I've never seen on the Cardinals sideline before, probably because It's a new, new administration down there, new regime in Arizona. Do you see the dude rocking the pinstripe suit on the sidelines today?

No.

I got to know what this guy was doing.

Okay.

Because the Cardinals might have their Big Dom. That's what it looked like to me.

I need to see a picture.

So, Max, can you look that up?

I need to see a picture. Oh, here are the tweets from Shane during the game. He said, what is this defense? Holy shit. I've never seen anything like this in my life. That's not true. Pathetic. Couldn't afford to lose this one. So many false stars.

So many false— did he say that?

No, but I am going to just— Shane is a weird enough guy that he would definitely think it's false star, not false.

I mean, he said it several times to me.

False star, false star, false star.

I don't know how to find this.

Worst loss, worst loss of the week.

I think it is, given their schedule upcoming, everything that's going on. Mike McDaniel being, you know, the offensive coordinator, relatively healthy going into the season because the Chargers always are graded on a curve in terms of health. And then you're going up against a team that is not tanking, but we all know they're not going to— they're not like trying to be a really good— they're basically doing a bridge quarterback, Jacoby Brissett. First, Mike LaFleur's first game as a head coach. You got to win that game at home. You got to win that game every single time. And they— it wasn't a— it wasn't— it was like a no-doubter. Like, they won by double digits on that.

I think it was the last drive, the one that started at about 2:33 left in the 4th quarter. It looked like the Chargers were trying to get Justin Herbert killed.

They just— and they kept going. Yeah, they kept going backwards.

The blocking was just— it was unreal.

Oh, Shane said he slide texts. What is that? What is slide?

Like T9.

He—

oh, he doesn't go tight.

He doesn't lift his finger. He—

yeah, he grew up upstate, so he never—

you know, what was that look? Hey, he just gave a look like gross.

He doesn't lift his— like he does T9 word for an iPhone.

What does that mean? He just goes like this. He's got to have the messy— he's got the grease screen.

Yeah, mine would just be buffalo sauce all over my phone.

So he just doesn't use the T?

Yeah, but he used the first T. Yeah, but he just doesn't go back to it.

What does that— yeah, stop him from finishing?

I don't know.

I don't know what slide texting is. I've literally never heard of anyone doing that, which is very on brand for Shane.

Yeah, that's also just an insane thing to say. Oh, I slide text, so I just don't spell the full words.

Now it's your problem.

Yeah.

What?

Especially with his greasy The thumb is just covered in onion juice.

So, so if he texted us, what time you want to start? And he just says, what time you want to star? And he's like, yeah, sorry, dude, I slide text. Deal with it. What if he— yeah, that's so weird.

Yeah. The Chargers averaged 12.4 yards to go on 3rd down.

I saw someone on Twitter say, yeah, yeah. Talking about On, on Wednesday night when the, when the Patriots were playing and Drake Maye was not playing great, said if Justin Herbert played like Drake Maye tonight, he'd be beheaded on live TV.

That's true. They would do that.

They would have absolutely.

And then he played worse against a much worse team.

Well, 4th quarter, Drake Maye played worse than Justin Herbert today.

Fair.

True.

The first 3 quarters, I would take Drake Maye over Justin Herbert.

Should Justin Herbert be beheaded?

On live TV?

No, because then that's less beer.

I would say no, it would be a lot of beer.

It'd be no more head, but it'd be a lot of beer in the moment.

No, but like that post, post, post-death beer are the best beers or the worst beers. Worst beers. We need more beer.

More beer.

More beer all the time.

Yeah.

Oh, he said, as Shane said, it guesses what you type. This guy is crazy. It guesses what you typing by where finger slides and confused start with star. So this doesn't even— this isn't a good text.

Why doesn't he just text?

It guesses what you typing by where finger slides and confused start with star.

It guesses what you typing.

You know what?

Yes.

You know, Kevin from The Office.

I, I blame Shane for a lot of this.

Like, yeah, this guy is— this is the mentality of the weirdest guy in the world.

Average Chargers fan.

Great A.

Great A.

This, this franchise has no hope.

Yeah.

Again, the fact that he said this is the worst I've ever seen, I think it's just everyone's so scared. Listen, Chargers fans, Shane, if you're listening, you are right now. You'll win a couple of the games you thought you were going to lose. That's what the NFL is. It seems dire, but that, that will always happen.

happen.

There'll be a game. I mean, look, you might be playing Drew Lock. You thought you were going to play Sam Darnold. Shit happens.

That is true. So the Chargers, they got— well, they get the Raiders, right? And then at the Bills.

Yeah.

At the Seahawks. You got— you have to win next week, Shane. Yeah.

Next week you got to win.

Non-negotiable.

You got it. Non-negotiable. Okay. Last game, Eagles 24, Commanders 22. Boys.

Yep.

I'll let you guys go wherever you want to go with it. Oh, oh, you're pointing back and forth at each other.

What would you like me to go?

I want to know, club.

I defer.

Okay.

Would you like the good or the bad?

Give us both.

Do bad first. Do bad first.

I'll just start with the bad. Offensive line. Eagles all of a sudden, Eagles automatically having the best offensive line in the league no longer.

the case. Jeff Seldin.

The offensive line was terrible today.

Terrible.

Landon Dickerson was terrible, like one of the worst linemen in the NFL today, which is a real big problem if that's what we're going to be having going forward. And then my other, just off of the eyeball test, I didn't think Cooper Kupp played a very good game defensively. But in the whole, I think the defense played pretty well. The defensive line was getting good pressure. Jayden is a tough guy to sack, but I think they made enough— they got enough pressure to make him uncomfortable. And I thought Jalen Hurts was fantastic. I thought Jalen Hurts played a very good game, especially with all of the criticism that he's had in the offseason, all of the drama with AJ Brown, Mekhi Lemon. One of the craziest debut stat lines of all time. 3 catches for negative 5 yards to start his career.

Nice.

Dontayvion Wicks was very good. Dallas Goedert was fantastic. Slot, not the cleanest game, but we'll take, we'll take, we'll take a win.

A win's a win.

Hank, what was your thought? You just kind of said, you just shrugged your shoulders and you're like, what the hell?

I'm trying to slide right now in the group chat.

I felt like you're trying to slide. He's trying to slide text I felt like Jalen Hurts was more decisive with his running too today.

Yeah. I mean, that 3rd and 18 was massive.

He was a problem running football. The offensive line was concerning.

Oh yeah.

But I do think that some of that was because there were guys coming and I was right about the guys. Oh, Deronte Jones is officially confirmed as I'm going to have guys coming guy. Like he is from the Brian Flores tree. The Commanders defense went from unwatchable last year, like one of the worst in NFL history, to I think we might be average or maybe, maybe even like a little bit better than average overall because of how creative he gets with the blitzes.

So, well, I'm only like the film, like the Eagles film guys said that they had already watched the film and like Landon Dickerson is like unplayable if that's how he's going to play. But But I agree, there were other moments of the game where the blitzes were a problem.

Yeah, I have my blame, my blame chart for the Commanders. Okay. Because I don't think big picture, I don't think the sky is falling. I really wanted to win this game. Be awesome to go on the road in Philadelphia, Philadelphia, and walk away with a win week 1. That would have been great. But overall, I think there's, there's some bad, there's some good to take away. My number one blame goes to— honestly, it pains me— Mike Sanders-Still. They were hunting Mikey today. Yeah, that's been a theme.

That first touchdown.

It was that. There were a couple plays, and I think he still can be a really good player, but they were absolutely hunting Mikey today, and that was tough to see. He got turned around a couple times, looked really bad there. 2 of the biggest plays of the game, I think, were largely his responsibility. That, that throw to Wicks for a touchdown, and then that deep bomb— was that also to Wicks? The bomb to Wicks where he just—

Both of them were Wicks.

His controller got unplugged twice today and they both ended up in chunk plays that pretty much won the game for the Eagles. Dan Quinn, second most blame. I don't know what we're doing timeouts. I don't think Dan Quinn understands how to use timeouts correctly.

It's complicated.

It is. You only get 3 and there you get 3 in each half and They don't carry over.

What if you get a challenge right?

But then if you get a challenge right, then you get an extra timeout. No, you have 4. Well, you don't burn a timeout, but when you lose a challenge, you burn one. And I don't know if this is the backwards snapback hat today on Dan Quinn. It looked like his brain was trying to burst through his forehead because he couldn't figure out how timeouts work. Really dumb stuff by Dan Quinn.

I do think the hat would piss me off when you lose games.

Yeah, hat pisses me off in a loss. Yeah, it does. Yes. Third most blame, kicker. Jalen Carter blocked an extra point and then missed a 56-yard field goal between the two of those plays, ended up being very, very consequential to the final score of the game. And then the play call on the 2-point conversion from Blough. I don't think Blough had a terrible game. I don't think he had a great game, but that was a doy-doy call.

Mm-hmm.

Running the shovel pass to our backup tight end. Which actually, it might have worked if Allegretti or Sinner had held his block, but he got manhandled. So, um, it didn't work. It was a, it was a dumb play. And, uh, no blame to Diggs, by the way. No blame to Diggs. Caught a touchdown. I know ideally in that place you're thinking we're gonna go for 2. In fact, I think it was the first team since 2000 that had kicked an extra point down 2 in the final 10 minutes. of regulation, and it's because Diggs caught the touchdown and then went sailing balls first into the upright. Um, when you sign Stefon Diggs, this is the bargain that you make.

Mm-hmm.

If the deal is going to be he catches a touchdown and in the process of catching a touchdown he commits a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty, that's— yes, that's exactly what you think you're gonna get. Also, I don't know if you saw this, Hank, but it was on 3rd and 6, so he's He was just super excited that he actually got the ball in his hands on that play.

So no blame.

That's, that's Diggs. That's what Diggs is going to do. It sucks.

Get costly penalties.

It sucks.

In crucial moments of the game.

I can't invite Diggs into my home and then be like, hey, why did you rub your dick on the upright? Like, that's what he's going to do. It's the first line on his resume that he's going to do something like this. Am I wrong?

No, I don't think so.

I wouldn't say no blame. I would say he deserves blame for sure. Well, yeah, like it's true that you know what you're getting with him, but you also like, he deserves blame for you guys losing the game.

But if I don't know how I can blame Diggs and then like we're the ones that brought him in. If anything, Adam Peters signed him, but he was, he was a great, I think he was a great player today for us. I think he helped us. almost win the game. Um, Bill looked good for the most part. Well, I mean, he did, he did enough. We did enough.

You guys tried.

We could have won.

You tried hard.

Could I ask a Roback question?

That's all you can ask for.

Roback question. rhoback.com, promo code TAKE, 20% off your first purchase. Q-zips, polos, hoodies, joggers, shorts. roback.com, promo code TAKE. Is there any blame to Jayden? And also, I came down, uh, late in the 4th because I Getting ready for the show, there seemed to be some tension in the cave. You were— people were throwing accusations at you that you were celebrating the simplest Jaden passes as incredible.

Yep.

That's— I'm not— I didn't see it. Well, that's Max and Hank were saying.

We got a biased audience because Hank put together a hater parlay. Thoughts and prayers, Hank. Your hater parlay did not win. Did not even come close to winning.

It did win. Pretty much.

No, it didn't, because I took the opposite. I took the opposite of Hank's hater parlay and I won. Oh, I took a pro-Jaden parlay that directly—

No, you didn't.

That's impossible.

I had 18+ completions for Jaden. I had, I believe, 2 touchdowns.

That wasn't part of mine.

Which he got. And then I had Commanders to cover the spread.

That's not the opposite of mine. That's fine.

What was yours?

Congrats for yours. It was under 18.5, under 200 yards, and the Eagles and an interception.

Okay.

So you're very close. Pretty much.

Yeah. I mean, I fought like that's, that's kind of what you get, you know, like, yeah, yeah. I fought hard.

For 3 quarters of this game, Jayden Daniels was terrible.

So here's the thing is terrible. I don't think he was—

he was terrible.

I don't think he was terrible.

Also, 18.5 yards.

You had 18.5.

I had 18+ receptions.

Got it.

Max, I don't think he was terrible. I've been thinking about this. He didn't play good. He definitely didn't play good. But it was clear what the Eagles were doing with their secondary. And Jalen needed to take off early instead of like dodging around in the pocket and then throwing the ball away. Yeah, I don't know how many throwaways he had out of bounds, but it was a shitload of them. At that point, he has to be more decisive and run at that spot.

So he wasn't throwing the ball well. He was missing lots of throws.

He missed a few throws, but I think a lot of the incompletions were clearly on out-of-bounds intentional throwaways.

I don't know if we were watching this. He was bad. I would— in the 4th quarter, he was good. I wouldn't say 4th quarter, he was good.

I wouldn't say bad, bad. But when he threw, when it was like 3rd and 15 or 2nd and 15, and he makes a throw for a first down. I'm gonna say good throw, and then Max had a—

Well, it just became like, it'd be like, wow, great throw, and it's like a wide-open receive—

like, you—

great play and great throw are 2 different things. An expected throw for every quarterback in the NFL for a wide-open receiver is not a wow, great throw on every single completion that he had.

I don't—

and it was because he was playing poorly, so you were trying to convince yourself being like Oh, he's back. That's a great throw. That's a great throw. Which is fine. It's a good coping mechanism for a fan in the NFL for a quarterback who's playing poorly. I've done that when Jalen Hurts is playing poorly. Today he did not play poorly.

I was just excited for a first down.

But you're reading—

Great throw and great play are 2 different things.

You're reading way too much into the language policing here, Max.

Hank, were you there?

I was just excited.

Yeah, it was like a checkdown and PFT was like, oh, great throw. I will say it, like, bias aside, after this conversation happened, Jayden Daniels actually like had—

He almost brought him back to win. Like I said, I said that he was doing some—

4th quarter, he was good.

Great stuff at the end of the game. The beginning, it did feel like he was indecisive with the ball.

Yeah.

Where it's like—

and he was. I think he's been told, don't put yourself in danger. Don't run with the football. So he would get away from the initial pass rush. And then he would stay behind the line of scrimmage and then nothing would pop up and he'd throw the ball away because it's too late to run.

Mm-hmm.

In those cases, like Jay, and he did that a little bit in the second half and he had an awesome run against this Eagles defense. And he was more decisive about running with the football and then everything kind of became easier. But he was staying way too long in the backfield with the ball in his hands and then just running out of time. And then, okay, I'm just going to airmail one 20 yards out of bounds. I thought that again, the defense I thought was better than expected.

Sonny Styles is awesome.

Sonny Styles had a great day all over the field.

What, what other fights did you guys have? Any other, any other?

I think I was mad because I said great throw.

Yeah.

On a completion for 15 yards and a first down and it wasn't as good a throw.

So pretty much no like little boy play or anything like that.

No, it's pretty tame.

Yeah. It's pretty cordial. I mean, week 1, I think Jalen Hurts had a great game. I agree with that. And I would never say anything positive about Jalen Hurts on these airwaves. Never have, never will. But he was very decisive. The run that he had on third— the game pretty much swung on a couple of plays. One was the long touchdown to Goedert. I believe that was third down as well. But then the run that, that Jalen Hurts had. Yeah, it was third and 18, I think, was just at that point like that, that swung the entire game's momentum.

And we should also say Jalen Carter is just the best at blocking kicks. Yes, it's so good. I mean, that was— that could have been, you know, you don't have to go for 2 if he doesn't block that extra point.

Yep. Yep. Also, Tyler Owens had one of the best plays that I've ever seen on special teams.

Oh yeah, that was sick.

He was double teamed off the bat as a gunner and then he stiff arms one guy into the ground and then stiff arms another guy into the ground and then delivers a spinebuster tackle at the end.

It was awesome. Yeah.

Also, this guy Tyler Owens, athletic freak. I think he was undrafted, but he was one of the most athletic safeties at the combine. He doesn't believe that space is real. He thinks space is fake.

Space is hard to put your head around.

It doesn't make a lot of sense.

It doesn't.

I think as a defensive back, not believing that space exists is actually a good mindset to have.

Yeah.

Like, you're— no daylight in between me and you.

Close the space.

Yeah.

I don't hate that. strategy of him being like, I don't want to think too hard about something because it kind of hurts my brain, so I'm just gonna think that it doesn't exist, right? Yeah, I'm—

I kind of— space does—

Because if you think too hard about space, it fucking sucks.

It fucked me up the other day. I watched one of those videos with my kids where it was like, this is the Earth, then this is the Sun, then this is the next biggest star, and then it just keeps going and keeps going and keeps going until there's galaxies. And it's all this stuff. And they were just cheering every time it got bigger. And I was like, stop cheering. Like, this is fucked up.

And when they're like, this is the size, this is the size of the Earth. But here's the Earth compared to the size of the sun.

Yeah, no, that's—

no, I don't want to think about that.

Oh, yeah, it kept on going. And then it's just like, and then this is the galaxy. And then this is the small galaxy. This is the big galaxy. This is the black star. This is the giant black star. They're like, yeah, yeah, stop. This is fucked up. So I'm with this guy.

I did say that I would— I was going to base my entire theory on how the season would go on the first drive that the Commanders had. And I have my answer. We got a field goal. It was not like a super impressive drive. That's 9-8. Commanders will be 9-8 this year based on that drive.

9-8.

9-8. I think the Eagles are a very, very good team. I think that this was not the worst showing that you possibly could have against a good team. But you have— in order to be a good team, you have to win these kind of games. And we had every opportunity to win despite the fact that we didn't play well. And yet Jayden didn't play great in the first half. I would say he played— I would give him a D in the first half and then I would give him a B+ in the fourth quarter.

But I'm good.

I'm good with both of those.

Are you okay with those grades?

Both of those grades?

What about if he says good throw?

Good throw is fine.

And that's—

and that's— Where it makes sense. There were times where—

sorry, great throw. What if he says great throw?

It's got to be a good throw. It's got to be like a tight window or—

So then I just started like not acknowledging anything good. I'd just be like, average touchdown. That's what you're supposed to do. Great job.

It was routine throws.

Routine touchdowns. Routine, routine possible game-winning drive.

Every play is hard in the end.

Possible game-winning drive.

And like bad penalties. But like, that's what, you know, that's what you want.

Yeah. Yeah, must win next week.

I wouldn't say that's what we want, Hank.

No, but that's when you— yeah, like Stefon Diggs, like you, you said, I'll take that all day.

I can't be mad at him.

Yeah, right. Why would you be? He cost you the game, but like, fuck it.

We did.

We brought him in.

Exactly. No, I agree. Like, I totally agree.

You ever hear about the scorpion and the frog?

Yeah.

Yeah. The scorpion stings you. He's like, what do you expect? I'm a scorpion. Of course Stefon Diggs is going to score touchdowns and then he's going to put his dick on It also didn't end up being that consequential because they still got the 2-point try.

Yeah, they did.

Like, if they'd never got that 2-point try, then it would have been worse.

But you'd rather do that earlier.

Yeah, but it— I don't know, like, you could have— you could have still gone for it and not gotten it, and then you just wouldn't have had a chance in that last drive.

But no, then that affects the way that you call plays moving forward.

You're right.

It definitely— listen, I obviously I'm joking a little bit about Diggs. I wish that he didn't do that. That was stupid. And Jaden said it was stupid. But at the end of the day, like, okay, he caught a touchdown. Stefon Diggs is a little bit crazy.

He's good.

Yeah, that's not prediction. That's not the last time he's going to do something like that.

What? So is next week a double must-win because the Cowboys will get to the last game, but Cowboys— Commanders playing at Cowboys.

I wish, I wish the Cowboys won today.

Yeah.

Max wouldn't understand.

He does not understand.

He doesn't get that part of it. I wish the Cowboys had beat the Giants because they're going to be desperate. it, and we're not going to be able to catch him sleeping next week. Uh, so yeah, must win. I said the first 3 games, the Commanders have to get 1 win out of those first 3 games. Yeah, yeah.

Uh, okay, so that, that game happened to the Cowboys-Giants. Giants 28, Cowboys 20. What a win for the Giants. Feels like a— I don't want to say statement win because you can't really have a statement win in week 1, but maybe it's an announcement of a new regime. And the Giants to me looked tougher, more physical, more buttoned up as a football team than they have looked in a very long time. And they kind of like, like the Cowboys have all this talent. The Giants were just the tougher team. They were just kind of bullying them. And there was a little bit of fumble luck where the ball kept on bouncing and the Giants recovered a couple of them. And Dak did his classic Dak, like, what the fuck are you doing, pick? At the end of the first half, which made no sense. But that's on Dak. That's not like the Giants shouldn't be apologizing for that. I— you got to be pumped if you're a Giants fan.

Yeah, you gotta be very excited about it. And then also at the end of the game, did you see the, the 4 play calls in a row? Yeah. To Singletary.

Yeah.

Ran the same play.

Yes.

And, and the Cowboys made zero adjustments on it. I thought the Giants did. They looked more— I don't know if the word is professional.

They did.

They crisp. They look crisp.

Crisp, like physical.

All the small stuff. It looks like they did everything a half second faster than they did over the last few years. They scored their first touchdown on week 1 in the last 4 years. So that was a great start for them too.

That second, that second half, by the way, was crazy in terms of there was only, there's only 5 drives total. It went 12 plays, 74 yards, touchdowns for the Giants. 12 plays, 75 yards, touchdown for the Cowboys. That was the entirety of the 3rd quarter. Each team had the ball once in the 3rd quarter. 4th quarter, 13 plays, 65-yard touchdown for the Giants. 9 plays, 74-yard touchdown for the Cowboys. And the Giants got the ball and ended the game. Yeah, it's crazy.

Giants were awesome on 3rd down tonight. Yeah, 90%.

And it felt like they had a version rate, a really good plan for Jaxson Dart, some designed runs that looked good. Scadaboo is, when he's healthy, is awesome to watch. Isaiah Likely, beast. Like that, that seems like that was a really good free agent acquisition for, for them to get him from the Ravens. Because remember, he was, he was good on the Ravens. He got hurt a little bit and Mark Andrews is always number one guy. He might be that, that might be a big, big grab for them where it's like you look at their team. It's like, okay, they got Nabers, they got Scadaboo, they got Likely, like that's starting to kind of shape up to be a pretty nice position group.

I think it was 2 guys. I think it was Likely and then Patrick Ricard. Yeah.

Oh, they got it. They got multiple guys, I think.

But 2 guys like that, I think. Yeah.

They got the punter too.

Are like setting a tone in terms of like, what, what are we going to be about as a team?

Yeah.

Also shout out Jameis Winston, one of the better help the sky ups that I've seen all year. And I would say it's early in the season, but all-time help-up guy. Like, Dart got laid out on the sidelines and Jameis was a first responder on the scene. Yep. And just like pushing everybody out of the way. I got you.

Yeah. George Pickens, I feel like he had a couple, couple that he should have caught that he didn't. Cowboys, you could see the flashes in the offense, but it's going to be interesting. They have to win. Like, this will be a massive game, week 2. Speaking of which, let's look at— let's look real quick at next Sunday because you always get excited on Sunday night when you're like, hey, what do we got coming? What do we got coming up? And now it's time for that special part of today's episode brought to you by NFL Sunday Ticket. With NFL Sunday Ticket and YouTube TV, you get every game every Sunday all in one place. With the magic of multi-view, you can curate your own perfect Sunday slate while tracking every single out-of-market matchup. To keep your fantasy team alive, to make sure you're ready for kickoff. We've locked in the 4 games you absolutely need to be watching this Sunday. Okay. So this is for everyone out there who has, who's listening, who has multi-view. What is the multi-view, the perfect multi-view for the early slate in week 2? I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to throw some out there.

Ready? Oh, should we throw Steelers and Patriots on there?

Yes.

Must win for the Patriots. Saints and Ravens got to be on there. Shuck, you got to have Shuck on the multi-view. I think Bengals and Texans auto multi-view. And then we need one more, one more. Is it, is it Vikings-Bears?

I think so.

I think it's Baker-Bucks, Baker-Browns.

Oh, true.

Okay.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

All right. So go right now, YouTube TV multi-view. You can watch 4 games at once. It's incredible. Uh, so yeah, that— we just gave you a great, a great NFL Sunday right there with the multi-view. So we're gonna go Browns-Bucs, Steelers-Patriots, Bengals-Texans, and Saints-Ravens. So you can watch— take that Chuck Ladder to the moon. Okay, boys, uh, that was Week 1. We're gonna do who's back in a minute, but that was— any, any closing thoughts on Week 1?

Uh, I'm—

I've now decided to double down on Hank's face and just say I'm glad Diggs did that. It was funny.

Me too.

Yeah, it's good.

That's good.

It's good. I'm happy. I hope he does it harder next time.

Right at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a loud sound.

It's gonna suck if he does it again.

And he will.

And you're gonna have to—

he will.

You're gonna have to defend it again.

No, you won't have to defend it. You're gonna have to cheer it.

Yeah, you have to say that was awesome.

I'm a fan of I like Diggs. Also, I'm a fan of slapstick comedy, so I hope he does it again.

You got it. Yeah.

I hope they put a sound effect in the uprights that just goes boing.

Boing, boing, boing, boing.

Yeah, yeah.

It'd be very funny.

Yeah, he needs to do a better job though of hitting the top and then sliding down.

That'd be hilarious.

Pretending like he's knocked down.

Yeah.

That'd be really good. All right, should we do who's back of the week? It's good to talk ball with the boys. Who's back of the week? It's brought to you by our friends at Twisted Tea. Listen, football is back. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. Football season back in full swing, which means we'll be posted up with an ice cold tea until further notice. Twisted Tea is a refreshing hard iced tea made with real brewed tea and 5% alcohol. The Twisted Tea Party Pack has a little something for everyone with original, half and half, raspberry, and peach. Whether you're tailgating at the stadium, crushing teas in your man cave, or grilling out with your friends, Twisted Tea is there to turn your day up a notch and make a good time a great time. Grab a refreshing Twisted Tea today. Keep it twisted. We love the Twisted Tea Half and Half, the original, absolute best Twisted Tea. Go get it today. All right, Hank, who's back of the week? We're gonna talk a lot of college football on Wednesday.

Who's back of the week is eating shit. Oh, Steve Ballmer. Oh, while we were recording the show.

Yes, I—

yes.

He put out a statement about these, you know, everything that's come down on the Clippers, and they're originally fighting it, but tonight he put out a statement, said, this has been a very difficult time for everyone associated with the Clippers, and for that I have sincere regrets. I want to apologize to our fans, employees, my fellow NBA owners for the distraction and distress this matter has caused, for which I accept responsibility as principal owner. And then he basically, you know, long, long statement, but he said We're putting this chapter behind us and we are complying with the penalties assessed by the league. We've paid the fine and are moving forward. So there is not going to be no pushback. They came out, you know, they came out when it first came out like a year ago that they denied, denied, denied. He said he got, he got screwed over too.

Yep.

Then when the suspension came out, they said, this is bullshit. We categorically deny all these claims. And then he's just, whatever's come to light, he's just, he's like, all right, we're going to eat all this shit.

I think someone finally got into his head where it's like, dude, you're, you're caught red-handed. Winhorst said this. Remember we talked about it? Like the Timberwolves, when they did this, they complied. They apologized. They came forth. They were forthright and they're like, hey, this is what we did. And then they gave them 2 of their picks back. They took 5 away. They gave 2 back. Balmer, someone smart around Balmer was like, dude, they literally have everything. You, you are dead to rights. Like, what are you doing? And it's like, if you want to save any type of face, any type of picks, you have to just say you fucked up. And so smart by him.

I'm sure when he became a billionaire, he was like, I'll never have to eat shit again.

Ever.

Yeah, I'll never have to apologize. I'll never have to say I'm wrong. I'm always right. This has got to suck for him.

Yeah, it's realizing you actually don't have fuck you money.

Yeah.

Yeah, because everyone around— which is all— it's crazy because he is the wealthiest NBA owner, but still.

Yeah, I thought he was going to drag this out in court.

Pablo brought the richest NBA owner to his knees. Damn, had him saying uncle. How much do you think he hates Pablo Torre? How much do you think he's just bitching about him, like, to his wife?

Well, I'm sure he's got like— he's trying to reverse reverse Uno card him.

You think he's got like private investigators?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I doubt Pablo has anything, you know, any skeletons in his closet, but if he does, Balmer's finding those motherfuckers.

Pablo should reverse, reverse the reverse Uno card and do like a fake skeleton.

Yeah.

Like if I were Pablo, if I were Pablo, I'd like, next time I take out my trash, I'd like make it look like a whole, like a large body. Like in a rug. And then they'd be like, we got you. Like, dude, it's literally— I'm literally throwing out a rug.

Have a fake ex-girlfriend reach out to him.

Uh-huh.

You should. That'd be funny.

That'd be awesome.

That'd be good. And then Ballmer, like, ends up trying to bang her. And then now Pablo's got that on him. Mm-hmm.

Oh, and the mother who's back is just, uh, uh, uh, uh. Penis.

Oh.

Dumb weekend to do it.

Oh my God, the US Open.

But I got to do it Sunday of—

and Saturday and Saturday.

Saturday, women's Rybakina. Sunday's Zverev.

So is Alcaraz the first US men's Grand Slam winner since what, like 2003?

Sure. Yeah.

Like Ben Shelton. We haven't, we haven't done it in a very long time. Sampras might have been the last one.

Oh, sounds good. Yeah, he was—

he wasn't close.

He wasn't close.

Did you see Zverev was so locked in, he didn't even know he won?

Yeah, yeah. Well, he was— he broke him like 3 times. The one that I don't understand, that I was watching the women's final, that the— it was, it was Sabalenka versus Rybakina, 1 versus 2. Oh, they kept saying that no matter what happens in this match, Rybakina is going to be the number 1 when the, when the ranking comes out on Monday. But it's like they're, they're playing against each other. How could you, how could you beat— how could you lose to the number 1 but then still be number 1? Oh, makes no sense.

Oh, Andy Roddick, 2003.

Yeah. Also, you're talking about explaining, like trying to explain football, like it makes no sense when you really take a step back. Trying to explain fucking tennis, the scoring system makes no sense. Genuinely, you sound like the stupidest person.

And the scoring system doesn't make sense.

You can't explain it in a way that sounds normal. Like, oh, well, no, this set is— this game is to 60. It's 15-30, whatever.

Wasn't it by the clock or something?

And then you have to— yeah, it makes no sense.

Oh, yeah. Zverev also hit on Ben Shelton's girlfriend.

Yeah. Power move.

Trinity Rodman.

Trinity Rodman.

Yeah.

Who's a professional athlete herself.

She is.

All right. That was talking tennis.

She seems like a great girlfriend, by the way. Yeah. Like the most supportive girlfriend.

Yeah, definitely. Ben Shelton, though. Yeah, he just didn't have it. No, didn't have it.

Ran out of steam.

You could see it. Zverev is just a beast. And this is all in asterisks anyway, because Djokovic cried. Too old.

Yeah.

So, but if he wasn't old, he would have won. I think we can all agree.

Yes.

Okay.

PFT.

Hank took mine actually with Ballmer, but that's fine. Oh, my Who's Back of the Week is going to be the Civil War. Oh, because we had maybe the best hype video that I've ever seen in college football that came out on Friday. It was getting ready for the Kansas-Missouri game.

game.

2 teams that used to play, they used to be in the same conference. And it was a game that meant everything every year. And Kansas just dropped a video on Friday that said it's really that deep and went back through the entire history of why Kansas and Missouri are different states.

Yep.

And how Missouri used to send people to kill people in Kansas because Kansas wanted no slavery and Missouri wanted slavery.

Yep.

So they dropped a hype video with Edwin Coppock and John Brown hyping up this game, being like, we hate you because you like slavery, was the message going into it.

I love it.

Which is a great— that's why we love college football.

Exactly.

It, it really is that deep. And then, uh, Missouri went out there and proceeded to kick their ass. And even the coach of Missouri said like, yeah, I, I was feeling a little extra motivation because of the hype video.

Yeah.

That they dropped.

Drinkwitz was like, yeah, we wanted to rub in at the end.

Yeah, because they essentially said that we like slavery. So as that might have been the case when the states were initially started up back in the 1800s, Drinkwitz took that personally.

As you should.

Yeah, you should. But again, I love this dumb sport. Yeah, it's the dumbest sport in the entire world.

That's what I love about college football the best, is that like this stuff is Like, this is what— of course they're going to bring up slavery.

Yeah.

What?

Why wouldn't they?

Because that's probably something that every single fan of Kansas has done in the past on that week when they're playing against Missouri. Like, they probably talk about, oh yeah, you guys wanted slavery.

Yeah. I did like Pat Forte, who's a very good writer, and I do like reading his stuff, who covers college football for many, many years. You'd think he would understand And how stupid college football fan bases are. He said, when the opportunity arises to manipulate 160-year-old tragic history and apply it to a college football game in 2026, associating one team with slavery and the Confederacy in the process, you probably shouldn't. This is crap. Pat Forte went to Missouri. Okay, there we go.

Right.

The immediate reply was like, I wonder why, dude. And it was like honored alumni.

1988, Pat Forte, because it's actually true. Like, that is why these 2 states exist separately.

Yeah. It's like, Pat Forte, your, your, your, your point is not wrong. It's just you can't make it.

Yeah. And also, like, it's college football, right?

Right.

It's college football. People are going to be fucking psychos. We had the stripper assassin, right? Pole assassin came back. That was my other text.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pole assassin and her monkey like that.

That right there is We got one, like one game where we have, you know, you guys like slavery, we don't. And then the next one, Pole Assassin comes back after Texas wins and beats Ohio State.

Her monkey, by the way, did not bite a child on Halloween. Yeah, it very clearly— also, if it did bite the child, there was a note that was on the door saying caution, monkey.

Yeah.

And also shout out Oklahoma State. We'll get into it. I think we're gonna have the head coach of Oklahoma State on Wednesday's show. show, but that was awesome. College football. I mean, Brandon Walker, 2 years in a row. That was our former college football expert. He picked Oregon.

Yeah, that was tough.

First pick.

That was tough. They got—

they were beat bad.

It's not like Oklahoma State was— Oklahoma State was the better team.

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. All right. My Who's Back of the Week. I got 2. The first is we got a big Stell Blue sweepstakes. That's going on right now starting Monday morning at 9 AM. And we're celebrating football kickoff. We're now live in Target, Circle K, and 7-Eleven across the country. You can go find out which one's closest to you at sellbluecoffee.com. So there's going to be 3 grand prize winners. VIP visit to Barstool Sports on a Sunday. Watch ball with us. $500 travel stipend. $500 worth of Stella Blue coffee. To enter, you just got to fill in the entry form that we'll put on all the social.

For—

that's one entry. For 2 entries, you can upload a receipt from Target, Circle K, or 7-Eleven. And for 10 entries, you post a picture or video on Instagram, TikTok, or X featuring your Stella Blue can from Circle K, 7-Eleven, or Target. And you'll get 10 entries. And we're going to pick some people who come watch ball with us, which would be awesome. So that'll be really fun. Appreciate everyone who buys. Obviously how it works, you know, when we, when we get into these big stores, it's really big for Stell Blue Coffee and trying to save a bunch of dogs and drink good coffee. In order to stay in the stores, we need people to buy them in the stores. So everyone who buys it in the stores, I really, really appreciate it. And hopefully we find some people who want to come watch some ball with us. I will say this, I'm adding this off script. You better bring winners. You better bring winners because you will be asked to bring winners. I don't even know if that's legal, but you got to bring a winner. So if you come watch football with us on Sunday, be loaded with a winner because that'll be the first question that all of us ask you is, what's your winner?

And if you win, you're that much closer to getting a job. Let's just be honest. You went from 0% to 10%. That's true, Max. You know that's true. I didn't say you get a job. You'd be closer to getting a job.

10% is high.

If you gave us a winner, I can't wait. But that'd be a really good winner. Yeah, that'd be a really good winner. My other who's back is Akron football because the offensive coordinator Marty Wims, who won the award or got to be offensive coordinator, Akron fumbled on the 4th play.

Yep.

Shame.

What was the Shark Wheel thing? Oh, they did score a touchdown with Shark Wheel. That was the head coach. Shout out Akron football. He said, hey, Big Cat said he wanted to see Shark Wheel. We scored on Shark Wheel. So Joe Moorhead, shout out Akron football.

What was the guy's name? The, the coordinator?

Marty Wims II.

So besides the fumble, how was, how was the play calling on that drive?

I think it was good. I think he was going up tempo. Yeah. You want to play that clip? That was, I think that was Joe Moorhead who was talking. Big Cat and some big names who, who, you know, did not, were not selected by our department of accounting, namely Barstool Big Cat, did hear through the grapevine that in lieu of him winning the contest, that there was one play he wanted to run, Shark Wheel. And incidentally enough, that play is in our playbook and the first touchdown to—

Fuck yeah.

to Sean Patrick was indeed Shark Wheel.

Love it.

So shout out Joe Moorhead. Shout out Akron football. That's really cool. Awesome promotion they ran. Like, that was— again, college football is in a weird place overall, but Akron's doing it right. That was, that was very fun. So, okay, finish us off, Zach. My Who's Back of the Week this week is going to be the Kachuk brothers. They went to the University of Miami-Florida A&M game. And they kind of did us a solid, boys, because typically we think that, you know, professional athletes are just great at every sport and they can do no wrong.

And they put some good tape out there for us throwing the football around.

Matthew Tkachuk may have thrown a football for the first time in his life the other day.

It was such a funny throwing motion.

Yeah, listen, athletes, like, you can be great at one sport and not great at others. I think we learned that several times last week.

But from who?

Just all over the map.

All over the map.

Like, you're a really good kicker, But not bad. Not good at golf.

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, we got to talk to Matthew. That was tough. And here's the thing, though.

Hockey players are terrible at every other sport besides golf.

But here's the thing.

Hockey players playing basketball is comedy.

The other side of it, though. Did you see Kevin Durant?

Yeah. Yes.

So smooth on a rope. Kevin Durant has motion. He looked awesome throwing the football.

Does Kevin Durant have eligibility?

I mean, listen, one year.

Yeah.

Like he was making one-hand catches, like just a perfect spiral, just effortless. That is actually really impressive when a guy who doesn't play this, like cross-sport, you can look really dumb. Kevin Durant looked really good throwing that football.

Bang.

Just perfect.

Is that too tall to be quarterback?

Yeah, probably.

He's a perfect quarterback.

Yeah, I think perfect memes.

I agree.

Someone did comment right away. They're like, that throw would— he's too tall. It would sail over everyone. Hospital passes. Okay, it's not that serious.

But it is, I think. Give him a shot.

Yeah, give him a shot. All right, you got another one, Zach? Was that it? Uh, we covered a bunch of them, but I can pivot. Uh, Ryan Garcia had a tough last year, but he defended his welterweight title. With a super rushed TKO in the second round the other day. Okay. Okay.

Good for him.

Good job, guys. First football in the football Sunday in the books. Feels good to be back. Feels really good to be back. Feels good to be in the— hey, shout out to the 1-0 club. Anyone listening?

1-0.

Week 1 is fun when you win. A lot of it sucks when you lose.

A lot of 0-1 teams are going to be ranked ahead of some 1-0 teams. teams in the Power Rankings.

Doubt it. Not mine.

It's just week 1.

Stay strong.

Also, farting is back because actually we did a good job eating today. But farting is definitely back.

We had a great, healthy week 1.

All right.

Numbers.

0-3.

I was going to go 5-5.

8.

5. 5.

Yeah, 88. I'll go with 2.

Isn't it nice when your quarterback throws beyond the sticks? Didn't have that last year. They were afraid to throw for first downs.

40, 69.

40, make him 40. Colton, 69. Chain set, chain set.

33, 33.

Let's run one back.

Yeah, shout out Colton, shout out Colton. 1-0 club, 1-0 club.

Best outfit.

Look at that. Colton, shout out Colton. Say something about the Cardinals. Um, things are really looking up, you know. If anything's possible, no matter where you are in life, if you show up every day and you suck life's dick, one day life might eat your ass.

So—

Oh, nice. All right, that's a Cardinals fan right there.

That's a banger.

Yeah, card up. Rise up, Red Sea.

We gotta put that on a quote.

Shane's scared of you.

Shane is scared of you.

Any comment to Shane? Do you have any anything to say to him?

Keep believing, Shane. You might get your ass ate. Maybe, maybe if you limit the false stars.

26.

26.

Happy birthday to Roger Bennett. And Deshaun Watson.

No, no.

2 all-star human— what's up, memes?

No, no. Deshaun Watson, happy birthday.

Yeah, happy birthday.

No, bad birthday.

Treat yourself something nice, Deshaun. Happy birthday to Jimmy Butler. J-Butt.

J-Butt.

Birthday to Mook. Happy birthday to Terry McLaurin. Pete Carroll, former coach of the Seattle Seahawks, New England Patriots, USC.

USC.

And that's, that's all I can remember. Happy birthday to Marshall Yanda. Happy birthday to Dan Marino. Happy birthday to Gaylord Perry. Hilarious name. Happy birthday to Prince Harry. Happy birthday to Jenna Marbles.

Whoa.

Happy birthday to Michael. Not Mike. Michael Malone.

Love you guys.