Transcript of Side Stories: The Piggyback Bandit

Right from your grave.

This is called A Side Story's Cold Open. Now, please prepare your listening abilities for the special guest of the day, Marcus Parks.

Hey, how are you doing? I'm so stupid. That's more of a cold reception than a cold open, but thank you very much.

I appreciate it. That's very nice of you. Yes, it is a cold open. Yeah, I'm here today. How are you doing, everybody? We're here with a good announcement.

It's a good announcement.

It's good news. First of all, let's just go ahead and get it out of the way and say what we all want. I know what everyone wants to hear. If you don't want anything to change, it won't.

That's right. First of all, nothing essentially is changing except for things that we like.

A couple of things are changing.

Last podcast on the left is announcing a partnership with Netflix for our video rights to the show.

A partnership, not a sale.

Not a sale. We are literally just leasing our bodies physically to Netflix to be seen by you. That means Last podcast on the left and Side Stories will now be appearing in video version on Netflix on all tiers. Really? Yes. Yeah, Eddie.

I did forget to tell you about this. I didn't even tell him. He didn't even ask why I was in the room.

He didn't even care. He didn't care. That's what I love about him.

I work here.

He's But to reiterate, nothing else is changing. The podcast will still be available for free wherever podcasts are found. All of the last stream on the left is staying exactly the same. Our deal with Patreon is exactly the same. You can still get ad-free episodes of the podcast on Patreon. Com. That is still totally available to you.

Except for the video podcast.

Well, that's where we got an even better announcement, which is because we're taking Last Podcast on the Left and Side Story's video off of YouTube and off of our Patreon, we are giving you more stuff. More content. Number one, we have a brand new serious XM show that is going to be coming out called Last Letterboxd on the Left, starring Ed Larson and myself doing movie reviews.

That might be coming on every once in a while.

He will be, and we will be having guests. The video for that is going to be put on Patreon. How about that? That's for you. There you go. That's one. All right, then we have the miseducation of Ed Larson. I'm an idiot. In which we will be making footage of Ed learning about topics that Marcus and I will be sending him a head on so that he can catch up to our stature by the time we do a bunch of new crazy revamp series in the next coming years.

That's right. I refuse to read. We're going to be watching documentaries, movies, and I'm going to watch, and you're going to watch me watch, and then I will be like, That's stupid. You're going to be like, Ed's fucking learning all kinds of shit.

Yeah, that's basically it. You get two new shows.

One more? No. That's not it, Marcus. There's more? There's more than that, we are also- What else do I got to do? We are introducing Last Stream on the Left, After Dark. Oh, yeah, that. For our truly our most beloved $25 tier subscribers over on Patreon, what you can give is actual suggestions of videos for us to show on the stream. Then it will be an exclusive to all of the Patreon users that we will then do a 20-minute user-submitted video uncut directly for you that lives on Patreon and does not go anywhere else.

It won't be on YouTube. It won't be anywhere else. Only you Patreon fuckers enjoy.

That's going to be once a month. Once a month? Yeah. Three new shows We're going to be on Netflix, which is fucking amazing because the thing is about the Netflix deal is that it's going to enable us to do so much more cool shit here at the network. We're going to be able to do new video streaming shows.

Am I going to have to try harder?

No, absolutely not. No, not at all.

You don't have to do anything. All you got to do is you got to sit right there and be your cheribic self.

Also, you know what's incredible about Netflix? I'll say this truly, none of these dumb shit YouTube language policing. It's all over. We could say kill and suicide like we like, and we could say all the things without it fucking with the algorithm. We're free on there to actually say all the words we'd like to say.

Are you telling me I don't have to unalive myself anymore?

Not anymore.

That's right. You could just commit regular suicide.

It's going to be huge. All right. So again, nothing has to change. Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. If you like the podcast, the way you like the podcast, nothing But if you want to watch us on Netflix now, if you want to watch episodes of Side Stories and episodes of The Last Podcast on the left on Netflix, you can do that if you have a Netflix account. One last notification. The old episodes are staying on. Yeah. Everything, nothing is being removed.

A couple of episodes are going to be put on, the exclusive on Netflix, but not too many. There's still going to be a massive, massive backlog on YouTube.

None of that moves. It's really just the current series from now on. Just Just so you know, it's all still there for you. Now, it will also be on Netflix.

You know what I find to be very cool is Netflix is obviously making a big push and they're really bringing in a lot of podcasts. I think that's a pretty cool thing to happen over there on Netflix. But I will say we're one of the few independent shows going there.

We don't want to toot our horn too much, but yes, this is a thing that we got to negotiate. This is a thing that directly helps us here at the network. We are fucking… We're going to play this all the way down to the ball.

Helps us, helps our employees, helps everybody. It's a damn good thing. It's very cool.

It better be. If it isn't, then we're sorry. But right now, we love it. We'll see you on Netflix, won't we, Marcus? Yeah.

See you on Netflix.

All right. Get back to work, you little bony piece of shit.

I'm going. I got to go.

I got a whole lot of Mordech work to do.

The Mordech. Yeah. Now, all right, back to Side Stories is beginning.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. Side Stories? Side from your blade.

That's when the cannibalism We're ready to get started. Side stories. Yes. All right, we are rolling, guys. Rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. What? Rolling. Rolling, rolling, rolling. I feel like I would have been a perfect person to have led the talk back of Interview with the Vampire Season 3.

Oh, yeah. I feel like that would have been great for you.

That was called. I was asked by my good friend Joe Randazzo, right? I'm just going to blow all this up.

Go ahead.

I love it. He asked, Do you want free money to talk to all these sexy people? Yeah.

Because I imagine if they're in interview the vampire at the television show, I haven't watched it.

Me neither.

I imagine they're hot. Yes. They better be. If they're not hot, imagine a bunch of fatties on the interview of the vampire at the television show.

Nothing. Would please? I would probably tune in and watch it. There was a pitch that we were coming up with back in the day. We were in the back of the day, me and an old buddy of mine had this concept called Fat Vampire.

I mean, this is a great idea.

Why aren't we doing it?

Fat Vampires is hilarious to me.

I am so sick. It's a part of when we did Vampire the Masquerade.

Just crack it open like fucking- Like a Budweiser.

A Budweiser. Yeah, it's a That's amazing. Done. Look at all these attractive people I could have talked to. Asad Zaman. I don't know what he is. Eric Begocian. I would have shit my pants to talk to Eric Begocian.

Eric Begocian is cool as hell.

He was not going to be a part of that talk back. Can we go back? This is the guy that they all love. Yeah, that's handsome. You see?

He looks like Anders Brevik.

Wow. Let's stop. Yeah.

But for some reason- That Asad Zaman, I mean, that's a sexy neck.

Yeah, but I don't know what it is about me.

He's got a fucking nice neck.

They straight up said, No, Henry- That's a vampire.

No wonder he got turned with a neck like that.

Yeah, dude. They said, Henry, no, we don't want you talking to Ray Donchung. They said, Henry, no, we don't need you to be in the same room as Delaney. Who is that? Delaney Hails, whoever that is. We don't want you in the same room as those people.

She seems very kind.

Which I do understand. Why would you have me? You would have an attractive person. I would be a Ringer. If I arrived- You would make them even more attractive. I think that's the thing. Look at this, guys. This is the way to hire me. I'll help you.

Do you think it was the mustache that got you not hired?

I think it was all of me.

Because no one... I mean, looking at you right now, you should not be talking about this show. No, I think this.

I'm going to say- So when you guys are kissing each other, what do you do? When you guys are kissing each other, is that a thing that you like to do or is it just acting?

I think whoever they hired was correct. I'm on your side all the time, but I really don't think you should have gotten this job. Why did he call me?

They called me out of nowhere like, Do you want this job? I was just like, Yeah, I'll go talk to sexy people for money. Then two days later, they went, Sorry. Wow. Because, again, they're like, Well, you're real funny. I was like, Yeah. Welcome to Side Stories. It doesn't matter. My name is Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. The show is going to be on Netflix. We're doing fine. We won.

Did we win?

I don't know.

I'll tell you what, find out if we won another Netflix announcement. Netflix is a joke. It's going on sale on Friday. We're going to do a Side Stories. We are. At the Avalon.

Which is amazing. I love that venue.

It's really cool. It's like an old weird sex dungeon. Would be great for interview the vampire.

Oh, yeah, honestly, it would have been awesome. But again, I'm giving them no help.

Yes, he can't. They're cut off. They're cut. You guys are done. Cut off from me. You guys are done.

We're not going to- Just heard about you. Never going to hear about you again.

You just wanted to interview some vampire.

That's all I wanted to do was to be in the room with the nice smelling people.

Oh, God. It is wonderful when they all walk in together.

They all smell so good. So good. It's not just us.

I haven't put on cologne since prom. May seventh, we're going to be at the Avalon doing side stories in Hollywood. 9: 45 PM, late night show in Hollywood. Come out all part of the Netflix is a joke show. We're glad they included us. Notice I didn't see my name on the poster.

Neither one of us, our names were on the poster. That's fine.

Or the word Side Stories.

Not even once. But guess what? We're going to sell out and half those guys aren't. That's right. Because we do an amazing show. You're going to come and see our show because you know, if you've seen Side Stories Live, we fucking crush it. Come and check it out May seventh at the Avalon in Los Angeles, 9: 45 PM. It's going to be fun as fuck. Just also remind everybody, yeah, now our visuals are on Netflix, but again, nothing has changed about the podcast because you're probably listening to this on whatever way you listen to your podcast. So congratulations.

You still want to use? What's a weird one? Stereogum. Does that exist? Podcast Addict.

Oh, yeah, Podcast Addict.

Oh, yes. If you're on podcast addict, fucking put the needle in. We're here for you.

Yeah, go make sure none of our listens counts. Go over there. But honestly- Go ahead and take your phone and cook it on a spoon and just stab it right in there. But we just, just again, we're here. We're here. Exactly the same. We're not going to change anything, and we're going to prove that up top. Eddie, where should we start?

Oh, man. I don't know. Should we say some bad words? Ass. Titties. Cunt.

Yes. Yeah. Can't demontize me now. Cunt. Yeah. Try to hide our show now in the algorithm.

We do have some updates. There's the stolen bodies, people talking about what you could do with the stolen bodies, or whether it's a crime or not.

One thing I wanted to talk about was the actual crimes of Jonathan Gerlack. After we got the... We talked about last week, Jonathan Gerlack I would say, bone enthusiast, oddities collector. Technically, he's a photographer.

Professional creep.

Professional creepist. He's getting the book thrown at him for countless different burglary accounts for him, Robin Graves. He does. Robin Graves, especially those of little babies. We talked a little bit about what makes this a crime. I thought it was really interesting is that we asked people over at the Mutter Museum. We asked, What do they do? Because we know that they were in the middle of their repatriation process, where the idea of trying to figure out where all the weird shit inside of their museum goes to. It's amazing. Most of it, there's no connection anymore. There's almost no... They don't have anybody to call.

Yeah. How are you going to find... Things been there for 100 and something years. How are you really going to find out what happens?

They say now that it's about 10% of the collection has been obtained under what we could consider our modern definition of medical consent. They see even 10%, it might be generously high. But it is interesting that Thomas Dent-Mutter, when he started the collection, He never intended for it to be widely accessible to a public audience. It was a teaching collection for his medical students. In the days before photography became widespread and when human bodies for dissection were hard to come by, one way to show a medical student how to identify syphilus, leprosy, cancer, endless list of all the other horrible things that are in the Muda Museum, was to show them a wet specimen preserved in formaldehyde.

It's probably better than a picture.

It is because then you can actually see it. Because what we know is that it's hard to be a doctor in a way because you have to go from the patient's descriptions of their issues and you have to find all of these things. You have to find the right way through. Sometimes you really got to feel a pankreas.

Yeah, man. If you can't slap it, what are you doing?

What are we doing here? If I can get my fingernails into the flesh of the kidney, I'm not learning anything. That's right. That is what's interesting is that now they are working at the Mutum Museum. But Jonathan Gerlack, he was doing grave robbing, and we We know that- The Mutum Museum thing, not to jump off it too fast, but it was interesting to me that they're not really taking new shit.

No, they don't want the hot stuff. They're happy with what they got.

They're full. Yeah, they're very, very full. This is also interesting about where human bodies go to. This comes from a funeral service instructor. It's not so much that someone owns the human remains after death. They are considered quasi-property. But there's a person or persons that has the legal authority to direct what happens to those human remains. We call them the authorizing agent. It is sometimes the next of kin that is the closest blood relative, but more often it is the surviving spouse. They direct where their disposition is by burial, entombment, or cremation, and later on they have the remains disinterred from a cemetery and move somewhere else. They can do the only ones that can do that. But that is, again, it's like a default thing. If you just die and you have nobody to claim your remains, they do just sit there. Good. And so they do put them up. And a lot of people There's a lot of people that say... One thought, a theoretical thing is they said, really part of the issue of desigrating graves is this concept we have in the architectural soul world, that graves are an extension of the soul.

It's this pseudo- But if you believe in souls, they left the body long before they even got to the grave. Yes, but there are people... This is about people saying, what's truly wrong with destroying tomb, which is that it's an extension of human life. That's how they view it in a way, architecturally, like artistically.

Yeah, I think what he did, like busting up the fucking tombs and the mausoleum area, that's messed up because it's like destruction of property. Yes. And it looks nice.

It does. And it's historical landmarks. And the one thing I got from a lot of people was that it seems that I was on the correct track, which is this is a very Bible-bound part of the United States of America. Philly? No, where he's at. He's close to Philly. No, Jonathan Gerlack is still like, but where they are at is very religious, and that's a part of what they throw in the fucking book out of. Fishtown? Not Fishtown. There's no God in Fishtown. Well, Jesus loves giving out fish. Yeah, but he would... Only because he had to. You think he would have just given them out? Yeah, he's a Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania boy, middle of Pennsylvania. He's a Delco boy. But we really wanted to talk about here what his real crimes were, which is, to be honest, I think it's his other artistic endeavors are some of the single worst things I've ever heard. I actually think that this is worse than what he did.

Yes, absolutely.

His crime, then his crimes that he was booked for.

Rob, can we please He has music.

Yeah. This is one of those pretentious things. This is the most pretentious thing I've seen for a while. This is the title of the video, The Classroom Sessions, colon, blind/ Bird-Seed-3: Hospital Stress, quote, unquote, Undelivered flowers. Okay.

I think the Classroom Sessions is the name of the session.

The name of the sessions.

Yes. That was it because he did it. He probably recorded it in the Classroom.

Why is it all in one title? I don't know. Ten years old. I know.

Ten years old, 786 views.

He should have been arrested for this.

This is a good slew thing. Whoever found this, good slew thing. Here we go.

God.

Is This guy has fired from Friday's written all over his face.

I hate this person. This is literally Jonathan Gerlack. This is the worst thing you've ever done. I can't sleep in my own bed tonight. It's still the phone. The shape, smell of your skin. I think of mornings when I'd wait to my face lost in your hair. I'll never run my fingers down your curves again. I would feel the rush of my nerves as your lips met my chest. God, kill him. Arrest this man. Arrest this man. Have him taken from me. Arrest this man.

It is worse than the bones.

That's way worse.

It is way worse than the bones.

Making Fuckboy Henley music. Oh, my God. Like, Henley T-shirt music. You know what I mean?

It's like if young blood was dried blood.

If young blood was old blood. What's his other one? Is it any better? No, it's called Beautiful Wom.

Beautiful Wom.

Oh, his band is called Blind Bird. That's the dumbest shit.

Has anyone ever told you?

He's Blind Bird. That's the day 18 of your conception. When your heart started beating.

Oh, God.

You were made beautiful. You were a most flawless creation. Crucify him.

Every molecule in your body was flawlessly aligned.

And in that womb, you were made whole. Do we owe him money? Is that what this is going to do?

Oh, my God. Absolutely not. No, he's in jail. He can't make any money.

You can't copyright this even if he wanted to. I think the government would reject- A living and breathing- No, this is actually copy-wrong. Energy that surrounds us all. You captured it all.

What is this one called? A Beautiful Wom.

Beautiful Wom. All right, shut the fuck up, bro. I wonder if- That's the worst thing I've ever seen.

I wonder if his wombates got mad when he was recording that.

I bet you his womb mate right now is going to be really happy to hear that he's got a soundtrack that he can apply to their lovemaking.

Yes. You are one blind bird who can't see what's coming. Hey, hey.

There's one comment. There's one comment that says, Crazy that this dude robs graves. You're right, damn me, 4,1,2,1. You're correct. It is crazy, buddy. You are not wrong. God, can you imagine just him talk raping as he's getting absolutely plowed in the butt?

Man, I am so lucky that none of my embarrassing shit, I was too stupid to put it on mine.

God, what did you do? I was so bad at technology. What's the most sincere thing you think you did? Oh, my God. On camera.

On camera. Well, there's lots of stuff written down. Lord knows, cute girls' earbooks. Who knows what happened in there?

I can imagine just you laying it slick.

Just they were like, I got her. She's going to come grow and never ready.

She's going to like it. She's looking at me. She's burning it right now.

Life from your grave.

All right, one more update. Was that the Department of Homeland Security, we now know, purchased a system. So last week, I talked about, which I think is really funny, is how many people were like, Henry explicitly said that we cannot beat the US government, so we should not protest anymore. I need another rousing market speech, another rousing positive market speech in order to be able to protest again. I get it. I understand. I was talking last week, probably a piece of propaganda from the US government about our attack of stealing the President of Venezuela.

Talking about the- The sound machine that made the guys puke.

All the kinds of them popping the guys. We now know that, yes, I was saying it because I thought it was interesting. We were mostly making a point towards the parts of the section of the population of the United States of America that have big guns and think that those big guns are the things that are going to help them against the government. That's what I was talking about. Yes, of course. I think that there are more of us than ever. That's what you got to do. You got to flood the zone and we have to do general strike. That's the only thing that's going to win in the end.

General strike ends Just be creative. Remember, we're smart. I mean, looking at Minneapolis, what they're doing over there is so fucking cool. How they're dressed it up like ICE agents and then going in and say, imposter, imposter, and making them all fight each other and then run away. More and more. I love this shit. It's fucking so Jam it up.

This is the idea, guys, is that this is how the people win. They win with ideas, and they win by moving. But all that being said, I don't think that the sound weapons that we saw or they talked about in Venezuela That's quite what's going on. But there is something going on.

There's definitely sound weapons, and I'm sure that's the perfect time for a bunch of maniacs to try out some shit they never used before.

We saw it in Belgrade. We know that they use something weird in Belgrade to dispel a bunch rioters. We know that. We also know that the Defense Department has come forward and said that they purchased a device for millions of dollars, I guess what they say in the waning days of the Biden administration, saying that they had bought a thing that could fit in a backpack from Russia that could disperse a Havana syndrome-like sound that they could use for crowd disposal. We now know that that is a thing that they definitely did.

They purchased it for what they said was figures, which could be 10 million or 99 million.

That's a lot for one.

It's a lot for one.

I feel like they need to get one of those, buy one, get half off of another.

I know.

Does Russia not do deals?

I don't think they do deals.

Why doesn't Russia do sales?

I mean, I think you just have to take. I think that's the Russia thing.

I feel like with Putin and stuff like that, it could really help. You know what could help Russia's coupons?

It's that lack of capitalism that's really hurting them.

That's what I've been saying to every single homeless person I see. Every single I see them, it's your lack of capitalism that's hurting you. I'm like, that's what you got to do. You got to add more capitalism to this situation. But this is mostly just talking about how it's out there. They're using sound weaponry. I don't think it means that you can't protest anymore. I think that you should absolutely protest. Please. I just think that it's important to remember that the US government is super protective over their super secret technology, and we only see a sliver of it. Now we have a melting pedophile rapist in charge of all of it, and that guy is just using it now. We'll see how it goes. But I'm just saying, general strike. If you want to do something, that's what- Does that mean we have to? I think that it does not imply to entertainers.

If everyone strikes, does that mean that we stop talking or do people need us more then?

I'm going to say that we would continue to do this show. If we do a general strike, we're going to- What would Netflix say? They're going to be like, Work till you fucking die. Work till you die. I wish that you were both 20-year-old Asians I could pay a dime to. But I can't and I won't. I wish I could. I wish I could take you both and turn you into NPs that would work for free. There's nothing Netflix would make happy.

I just want to know where we stand. Yeah, we know.

Nowhere. We stand nowhere. There is video evidence of these weapons. No, I know. We talked about this. We talked about this in Belgrade. This is from last year. If you watch this video, it's crazy. No, we talked about this. It sounds like the buildings are collapsing. This is a thing that they have We know it's out there. It is just understanding. Yeah, we've seen this video many times.

It splits down the middle. Yeah, I watch it. It's crazy.

It's crazy. But that's why when we do the general strike, no stories, Eddie.

No stories.

That's what we'll do. Oh. Computer's gone.

Just free rift. Free rift. This is Holden's time.

Oh, wow.

That's Strike.

Oh, wow. Talk about Strike. She does the show.

We We'll come in and sit here in silence.

Silence. We will sit here in silence. Holden does the show.

I will physically be in the room on camera. Yeah, dude.

Why don't we do this, man? General strikes got to happen. It's the only thing that's going to change stuff. Understand that. Just know that. The key to that is you just have to lay down in the streets. Can't fight. That's what they want. All right, here we go. We got more great stories. One of my... This is another really funny. This is funny. This makes me laugh. Every once in a while on Side Stories, somebody will send in a tale that sounds innocuous at first, and then you lift up the cover of it and it's wildly deep. Okay. And you didn't know that it got that deep. One example was a couple of years ago, we covered a story of someone talking about in Edmonton, Canada, a guy was taking his shit, and he said that a man came from on the rest of the stall next to him and say, Hey, can I buy I'm going to eat that shit. We covered that, and it turns out it was a whole thing. Okay. He's been doing it all over the place? All throughout Canada.

He's just filled with money, I guess?

No. I don't think he's rich. He was the West Edmonton Mall poopeater. Oh, okay. But there's a new one in town. There's a new one. And part of a reason why is I think I'm collecting villains.

If it was diarrhea, he couldn't buy it, probably.

Well, no, he'd get whatever he could get. Okay. I don't think he was choosy, Eddie. Beggers. Can't be choosers. But this next one is another example of what I would call another member of my own personal Sinister Six. All right. The piggyback bandit. Now, this is real. This is recent.

Okay.

I'm an athletic trainer at a high school in the Chicago area. I provide medical coverage for all sports in my school. This past Monday, one of my athletes came to me reporting that he was injured over the weekend. He reports that he spoke to a male athletic trainer at the school, and he received a massage to help with the pain. Couple of problems here. There was an injury. I know the Atees at the school, and they would have messaged me to let me know. Second, there are no male Atees at that school. Also, Atees don't just give massages to make it better. That's weird. Now, at first, I was thinking the kid might be lying to get out of practice, get sympathy, or just be done with the season. Yeah, right? We don't want to do it anymore. Figured he could be exaggerating, just not telling the whole story, whatever it happens. This morning, I received an email about this guy called the Piggyback Bendit that has been spotted around schools in our area. Doing some research, he has been going at it since 2012, and he is banned from high school athletics in five states.

Five states?

Five states.

Not even cities or counties.

He took a 3,000-mile road trip doing this. He is allegedly a person with special needs, as reported by his mother, trying to get in teams to be their water boy manager. He's known to jump on athletes' backs for piggyback rides.

Oh, so he's stealing the rides. That's why he's the piggyback bandit.

He's rubbing his balls against the backs of children. Oh, there he is. That's him right there. He's a big old boy, 240.

That's too big.

240, right? 240 pounds, right? He passed vulgar notes, and he's offered and given massages, and he gave kids money for letting him massage them.

I would never let that man massage me.

You're right, Eddie. He's bad at it.

There's nothing I'm thinking about this guy. I was like, You know what? I think he knows that around.

No, I wouldn't take it again unless he pays it you first. Take the money up front. I confirm with my athletes his story. He stuck to the story of a male, a T, helping him out after his injury. I contacted the other school and ask them if they had a substitute to somebody helping that day? No. So now we know that he's back out there. This is the year 2026.

So he's been stealing piggyback rides for 14 years.

For 14 years. It started when he was a little boy. Now, I guess it started in high school. He was the water boy for his own personal high school team. His name is Sherman Sheegan.

That sounds like a piggyback bandit's name.

And he looks like a guy that is a bandit for piggybacks.

He looks like a piggy.

That is a guy that loves rubbing his dick and balls against the smalls of the backs of children.

Is he mentally challenged?

Yes, but it is showing that he is far more cunning than we thought he would be. In high school, he started as a water boy. It goes back as far as his high school days, where it started where he was getting in trouble for jumping on the backs of boys after they had gotten out of the shower.

Yeah, he can't do that. You got to wait a little bit.

Run dry. I'm dry. You want to get him towel first.

Yeah, he's just covered in towels. Because he's helping out.

He's like, I got to go. I got to jump on it. How's it? How's it got to go? How's it wet? I'll make you dry. I'll make you dry.

I'll dry out.

I'll make you dry. I'll dry out. I'll dry out. I'm going to call him. 2012 is the first time he's brought up in charges for this, in which he jumps on the back of a child. The first thing that happens is in his high school, he came back to his high school after he had graduated, insinuated himself back in the team, and did it several times. For a while, they just considered him a nuisance we got to entertain.

At what point do you call him a water man?

I think at no point. We'll read the note that he handed to the person, too. Here we go. Okay. What he then did is that later on, He would go. Eventually, he was banned from his high school, saying, You can't come to any form of athletics program. He starts going to high schools in the neighboring state, learning how to do it. He starts to understand to dress in the uniform of the traveling team showing up at high schools because the traveling team in a high school is like, they're away from everybody. They have one teacher with them. So he insinuates himself with the kids afterwards.

Yeah, I'm the new guy. They hired me for the day.

Yes.

And then- I could see a coach, he'd be like, Oh, good.

Yeah, whatever. Or he's the guy that we have. We have to have this guy. We're using this guy. Stands out. He stands out because he's a- You can't dress like one of the players at 45. Well, that's what he did. At this point, he's probably in his mid-30s. He had to have a collar shirt. He wears a basketball jersey and shorts again, so it's really easy for his material. You guys know what happens to the guy?

It's cats.

You know what happens when you wear basketball shirts to the stripper?

Also, nobody... They don't let you in.

But guess what they do? They let you right into a high school sports gymnasium. They say, Right this way.

All right, forget about this guy for two seconds. The basketball team's mascot is cats?

I think that's a general Jersey. That's like a Jersey he just had, dude. Katz? Katz. Katz? The Minnesota Katz? Yeah, we play for the Kansas City dogs. Yeah, it's just We're just dogs. Yeah, we're rabbits. We're just dogs. Rabbits. Yeah, we're the singular giraffe. Hello, welcome to the Montgomery Bay singular Giraffe. Just one giraffe. That's where it, again, escalates. Yes. He goes on a 3,000, I said this, 3,000-mile road trip around the country to five states where he is systematically- Hopefully in a car and he wasn't riding some poor boy. Dude, you joke. He used to hitchhike, and people used to just take him. He used to piggyback rides, too. He used to do the whole fucking thing, and he'd go and be like, Yeah, you know what? I'm just going from state to state, just traveling, just time to go. 2012, he got arrested. 2018, he gets arrested again. This time, he gets arrested for jumping on the back of a boy, handing him a note. In this one, when he got the note, it had In the note, he said, Do you shit? Do you fart with that butt? I wish that you do more than just sitting and farting with that butt.

Has an idea. Have an idea. Have an idea.

It's a genuine question.

Yes, But again, he's again- What else can you do with it? This is another example of a note that he gave to someone else. This is word for word what he wrote. $10 plus note, massage.

Oh, so he's lowering his price.

This This is $10 for you letting me give you a massage. Thank you for letting me give you a massage. Use the money wisely. Also, I want to tell... Let me do it. Actually, let me take this back. Let me take it back.

Yeah, get in the character.

This is $10 for you letting me give you a massage. Thank you for letting me give you a massage. Use this money wisely. Also, I want to tell you you have a nice ass. With those pants on, use your ass wisely to fart and poop. Oh, so I heard if you wear your hat backwards, you fart more than other people. I got my hat backwards, too.

You would figure us a a professional piggyback rider, the backwards hat would be an obstacle that you don't want to deal with.

I don't think he's thinking about that. I don't think he's thinking about that. I think that he is out there, dude. But this is like, again, I cover this. It's just been going on for 14- This was given to someone at Disneyland, the grand night. Fourteen years. How did he get in the grand night? He just can go in, buddy. He has it. He legitimately- A collar shirt and fucking confidence will get you in anywhere. You remember when we just walked in the midsummer screamers going, We're press. We're press. We just walked in because we didn't get the proper lanyard. It's easy to do, guys. Things aren't that secure. There's a gaping hole in the White House right now. Remind The wind is entering the White House right now. It is super easy.

That happened to me in a Peefug concert once. I was going to meet my buddy Danny, and I just straight up walked all the way back to his green room, and he's like, How did you get back here? I was like, I just walked back here.

I always remember when they canceled that concert mid, it was like there was some weather warning. It was during Iggy pops' set at that Cruel World Fest. Same thing where they just let all the doors open. Me and Natalie were just like, with Iggy pops' family. We were out there like, I don't know why we're here. I don't know how we got here. Natalie's hot enough to not be questioned. That's the thing. Then we looked like a producer and wife together because it was like a hot chicken, a little fat man. This guy is- Is he in jail or is he free and running around? No. Technically, he has not been picked up since 2018.

But if you look up- That's not good for a piggyback bandit. No. You got to be picked up all the time.

But, dude, he's out there. He's in Indiana right now. Espn has covered this? Yeah, but he's high school sports. That's a high school sports. You got to do this, man.

Man, ESPN, whenever they have to deal with real news. When Jerry Sandusky happened, I was working on a sports bar, and every day, they're like, Jesus. The coach of Penn State.

So he used to set up the lawn chairs in a position so that he could see the kids make the left hook out of the shower and make a stopping pattern right in front of them and stop and fade. He used to stop and fade in front of them because then they could do it with plays, and it's easier for them to do it. But yeah, just know that he's out there. Sherman... Oh, his horrible name. He's got a horrible name. Sherman Sheyagen.

Sheyagen.

So he's out there, and honestly, come on the show. Sidestories, L-P-O-T-L@gmail. Com. I'd love to talk with you about it. Because he's- We'll put a saddle on Holden. Because you know who else I got close to the show now, Eddie, and you'd be so happy? Who? Besides Haddon Clark.

Oh, yes.

Haddon Clark sent us a drawing of us.

Haddon- It's right behind you. Is that his name?

Yeah, Haddon Clark sent us a drawing of us.

I hate this.

Fresh for Netflix.

Yeah. A serial- Congrats, Netflix.

Now, you You let Michael Bay sell his Haddon Clark special over to fucking Hulu. Never again, Netflix.

Michael Bay made a special about this? Oh, yeah. How many people did he kill?

Two or three.

Two or three? Yeah.

Look at that. He drew our faces godly well.

It looks like us if we were serial killers. Exactly. It really does. We have to get it out of here. I don't want to run around.

He sent some of his beard as well. Yeah, I got that. I won't touch.

He sent each one of us pieces of his beard, fucking coffee print, hands and feet.

Yeah, I won't touch that.

Apparently, he listens to the show and I hope he fucking die, buddy.

He doesn't listen.

Then why did he carry this?

A listener brought this to him.

Hold on. So he doesn't listen? No. And a listener was like, These guys, they did a show about you.

They literally just said- I wasn't a part of that show.

How did he find out what I looked like?

The guy pitched it at him, and then they just went, and he found a picture of you in the prison library.

In the prison library? I guess. What's in there? I'm not even in last book on the left. No, he went on the internet. Oh, yeah.

I bet. God knows. I'd love to see his search history.

God. So is he healthy? What's his deal? Is he going to get the chair? No. Did he get a murder? What's the deal?

Seventy years.

That's it?

Yeah, but he's 73 now.

Is he getting out? When did he do this? Can we find out when is he born?

Oh, 2060. He's not getting out to 2060.

2060?

Yeah, he's got time.

Go fuck yourself, you coward, you shitbag, dickless fuckface.

Come for me.

Come for Ed Larson, you bastard.

I just feel like we finally made it. We finally made it. All right, here we go.

We're getting rid of this. It's not staying here.

No, we'll figure it out. We're going to donate it to a hospital or something. Children's Hospital.

Yeah, Children's Hospital. Make-a-wish. I would like to picture Drumb by a serial killer.

Can that not happen? Why does that not happen yet? Why is that not what? What can a Make a Wish kids be like, I want to meet David Bookowitz.

Where is Gary Ridgeway? Can you bring- You're the most politic.

Can we bring a Make-a-wish child to Gary Ridgeway before he dies? That would be amazing. He'd just be like, This is really one of the specialest days of my life. He's going to be so honored.

I always wanted to meet the Green River killer. That'd be amazing.

Jack Seena would be so angry.

Fly from your grave.

All right, here we go. Hang on another Great. Here's a great story. This is a story about a workplace accident. God, it makes me laugh. There are people that do these things. They just jump off for shit, right? They just jump of shit, and they fly around, and they act like it's the thing they're supposed to be doing.

I like watching the videos. It's a lot of fun.

I think it is. I think it's one of the scariest things ever, and I think that you should really think about it when you do it. His name is Brandon Weinstein from Utah. He did the fatal thing that a wingsuit diver should never do, which is he never pulled up. He jumped off this very specific... He flew all the way down to this Cape Town He's from South Africa. Apparently, he did none of the proper research of what he was supposed to jump.

You're not allowed to do it there.

They say there's a way to do it, but you have to be walked through it. I have no idea how. I don't know how you walk through jumping off a cliff. I don't know how you do it half speed. You know what I mean? This guy is very experienced. He's something like, thousands of hours.

He's one of the top guys in the world.

Yes, thousands of hours of doing wing gliding. Essentially, what he does is he's a wingsuit pilot. He wears one of those flying squirrel shoots and he jumps off the stuff. He went to this place, the Iconic mountain. Some places of people love to do it. I do love that the Irish star that this story comes from is It's like over 50 astonished tourists descending the steep path to the peak of the iconic 1086 mountain in Cape Town, South Africa, heard the Thrill Seekers cries as he became aware of his appending fate. It comes after a separate, horrifying incident where a woman, 27, was gang raped, stabbed 50 times, and forced to carry her intestines in her hands. What? She just fucking crazy.

Why are we talking about that story? Who gets to shit about a guy who jumps off a cliff for fun?

People said, I got to stop going to this park. That's what I'm thinking. I think the problem is the park.

Cape Town's got a very high murder rate.

I know. It's a horrible story.

They have no water there, and they're killing each other. I know.

I was just laughing because of these how horrible it is to watch the squirrel man want to fly over this. Him saying, I'll do you one better. As soon as he's heard there was a story of a woman getting gang raped and murdered by 50 people, he's like, I'm going to jump over it.

I'll capture it all on my GoPro, strapped from my head.

That's exactly what they need. That'll fix it. I'll I'll do it. Thank you, Morona, for the idea. I'm going to bet he's a Morman. He jumped off the thing. He jumped off the thing. Apparently, you're supposed to... There's a very... They said that it's- You're supposed to spread your arms. Not. There's one thing that you're definitely supposed to do, and that's fly in it. I would say it is use it to fly. Because he jumped off, and apparently, it's this... They said a technical jump, which I guess means It's like there's a certain point in which you just need to pivot. Sidesore is lpotl@gmail. Com. Explain wingsuit diving.

Henry and I have actually never done it.

You'd be surprised. You'd really be surprised. Henry Zbrowski, who's afraid of elevators, has not yet dawned a wingsuit. They said it was something, but they can't find one in 38 ways. Have you guys ever skydive? Either one of you? I would rather. Shoot me an ad.

Well, there's no reason for it.

Just shoot me an ad.

You skydived? One time, yeah. God, it's stupid.

It was scary.

Of course, it was scary. What are you, the fucking piggyback pendant? It was scary when I took it out of the plane.

But that is the... One of the best parts about it was the tandem. The I hate this situation. Biggie back. Biggie back in the sky. Biggie back in the sky. I feel in Harden. Yeah, man, I would never do that. That is the dumbest shit in the face of the planet. But really, the thing that was the reason why... Okay, the reason why I found this cruelly funny was because the reason why they don't want people jump in here is because they have all these hiking trails. This family family was on their vacation and just it's like a cartoon. They heard, and they said, The really one way to describe it is it's a splat. And this woman just was like, she watched him hit and just shot. It's covered in blood. The whole family covered in blood, watching this dude just explode on the trail, like five feet in front of him.

So what happened? Did he not like, zip up a wing or something? I think that's probably what happened.

They got parachutes in them. He could have done a lot of stuff, man.

Yeah, but the parachute don't matter if you're falling headfirst in a rapid raid along the side of a cliff.

Yeah, if the parachute doesn't go off, then yeah, that'd be a rough one.

All right, not to be this guy, but Isn't this part of the thrill and part of why they do it is because occasionally one of them dies horribly?

Yeah, why would you? If it was safe 24/7- I'm not saying they deserve it or anything like that, but I'm saying, Isn't this why they do it?

Because you almost die every time you do it?

I guarantee that when guys die, it's like, you know what I always heard about gambling addicts? They say about with gambling addicts, it's actually the losing that keeps you in. Is that in a way where like, yeah, the wins that give you the adrenaline high, that are the tent poles of the whole thing. But sometimes there's a perverse, like Norm McDonald talk about the idea of, he would describe the freedom of losing all of his money. God. He'd have this freedom where he'd be like, I'm out, and I just go make new money again. He considered it like a breath of fresh air. I think guys are like this, where it's like when guys, other wingsuit divers, hear other guys die, I think it makes them want to be in. Want to do it more. Yeah, because they're like, I want to beat that guy.

How I want Ham more now that I know it causes cancer.

The fact that Ham, think about this, Eddie. Ham is now the same level of carcinogen as a cigarette. How cool are cigarettes? I mean- Think about this. Take it back.

I mean, how cool is ham?

Roll up ham. That's right.

New-smoking. Cigarette. I mean, that I will get into. I'm not smoking cigarettes. That's bad for you.

I just wish we could find a thing that we could also bring the Jews in on. And the Muslims. They can't have either one. They can't have that cancer.

That's our cancer. That's not their cancer.

They should be allowed.

They get their own cancer. You're right. Don't worry about Yeah.

All that Mizzuza smoke.

I found there's another workplace accident that really, it shook me to my core.

This is a... Yeah.

A Florida pastry chef at a kosher bakery was sucked in and killed by a bread mixing machine.

That is fucking bad.

This is the type of machine it was, Henry. Look at that. That small? You get caught in it. Your arm or your apreon gets caught in it and you get sucked in there. You're an old man.

Well, there are bigger ones than that.

There are bigger ones. There are bigger ones, for sure, but I don't think it was. It's a small kosher bakery. I imagine you got caught in one of those.

You think it just rip this fucking arm off?

I think it ripped his arm off and he probably bled out.

Also- Because no one's even saying it. They're saying that the death is being still investigated.

Like someone pushed him in? No, no way.

What it says here, it says, A friend wrote, he gave me his hand in the most difficult moments, and that's got to be so hard now.

Yeah, because he doesn't have one. But they said they do not suspect foul play, and it's misspelled.

Yeah, I don't think chickens were involved at all because that would be... He would have been making matzo ball soup.

Yeah, so this dude fucking got caught up in a fucking dome mix.

Dude, that is fucking so scary.

That's a gnarly way to fucking die.

It's also like the Stay Puff Marshman. I never thought this thing of my ultimate tool of my would ever be the thing that killed me.

I know because he's probably worked with it for fucking 40 years.

But it shows you, keep your head on a swivel. You never know when that dough machine is going to jump up and bite you.

Tie that apron. I don't know what caught him. I'm assuming it was an apron That wasn't tied.

It could have been his Fuckmaster celebratory belt. It could have been his sash that said, Ask me, I'm the rabbi.

Is that them taking them out?

No, I guess this happens somewhat often, people getting stuck in these bread mixing machines.

Well, think about it. I don't know when was the last time you made cookies with a little one of these machines at your house? I don't have one. You don't have one? I do. Every time I see it, I put my hand in there. I'm like, This could just rip my arm off at any moment.

I deal with- That's a tiny one. Absolutely. I deal with the pure existential terror of sticking my hand in a garbage disposal about three times a week.

You got to get screens for your garbage.

There's things in there. No, it's in the garbage disposal.

God, this is brutal.

I don't even know if you want to see it. Oh, yeah. Okay. I want to see That's how it happens. All right? You got caught in the machine. Oh, you didn't even see anything. Well, we have blood everywhere.

Is this the actual- That person lived?

This was one from two years ago. No, this was this lady died. It went right into your chest. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, that's fucked. I hate to be morbid, but can I see that Again?

Yeah, dude, it went right into her fucking chest. I'm just so curious. Oh, that's fucked. Oh, that's how he died. Yeah. That's how he died. Cleaning it. Something like this, maybe. It's something like this. She got caught in the thing. This lady turned it on. It's because she turned it on.

No, no, no, no, no, No. It just picked... Oh, that's... Yeah, she's dead.

She's dead immediately.

She's dead immediately. That's just a rag doll.

At least it happened fast.

Oh, my God. No.

Oh, God. Does that lady get arrested? Or does that lady just get fired?

They just get fired. You can't arrest them. The rest of their life is haunted.

Oh, my God. I don't know if that... Yeah, God. Holy fucking shit. That's horrific.

That is horrific. Do not make a clip of that. That was bad. I'm saying it now.

No, it's for Netflix.

Clip guy.

It's for Netflix.

Netflix doesn't have live death. This will be on Netflix.

Can we not show it on Netflix? I'm pretty sure we should start off showing some person dying in a bread machine. Let's test them. Let's test them wheels. Come on, let's push that, motherfucker. That side story comes to Netflix like next week.

We're fine. It's all right. This is our last one. Yeah.

Oh, good.

The last one.

Well, then we should probably end it. We should probably end it. I think that we made it. Wow, we made it all the way here. One listener email I wanted to get to. You want to hit that stinger? Go for it. Yeah, here you go. Are you ready, Eddie?

Yeah. Yes.

Are you horny, Henry? Yeah. Yes, sure. Now it's time for a listener email I like that one. I like that one.

That was good. That was really good. I like that one a lot. They took some time with it.

Yeah, I like that. I call in response. All right, here we go. You know, I like to... I'm I'm transparent. When people got issues with me- That's because you can't tan. I'm pretty big. But I'm transparent. You guys have issues with me. I fucking take it right on the chin. I'm not a bitch about it, and I take it. I delivered some. I actually feel truly well warranted criticism of the Toyota Rev 4. I will still, because I own one. I own one. I had one.

You had that and we have a CRV. So we know these vehicles.

We know. We know. But I'll take this criticism. Okay. Okay. I have never e-mailed in before, but some of the inflammatory comments made on this week's Side Story's episode were far too much for me. A long-time listener to sit idly by and let happen. A RAV4 is a far superior automobile than a CRV in every way, and is certainly not a pussy CRV. If anything, the CRV is a pussy's RAV4. Un Unbelievable.

Oh, come on.

The RAV4 is true full-time four-wheel drive, and the CRV has a passive all-wheel drive system that only sends 20% of the power to the real rear wheels. What is anyone supposed to do with 20% rear wheel power? Get the kids to soccer practice, groceries. The RAV4 is a car for true adventurers. No, it's not. Don't ever rob a grave with a hybrid. Only 10% of RAV4s on the road are hybrids. They're bad. The hybrids are bad. They're not good. Most are extremely reliable V6 engines. I have one with almost 500K miles that has taken me and my family across the country multiple times over. Good for you. Take a plane. Good for you. Take a fucking plane next time. Truly hope that Henry and Eddie could do better going forward as education is the cure to ignorance. I will continue to enjoy the high-quality content in the last podcast on the left has always put out with the hopes that there can be corrections or at least understanding going forward.

I understand that you drive a rab snore.

See, this is all... I allowed you to have a platform. That's what I did. Yeah, you told me. I allowed you to have a platform.

I think it was tongue in cheek, right?

But I will say, I don't know.

Do you think you were really upset?

I hope they are. Imagine if they were. If they were. Do people get upset about far more ridiculous things, Eddie?

It is funny. I actually like it when people get really mad.

Me, too. You know I do. You're allowed to have that Rav 4, but... Yeah. Get some else. Rav it eens. Rav your fuckers. God, there's so many things here that we're going to save because we have things for the series. Yeah, we have to.

We got a- We got two series coming up that we're going to save these emails for. Yes, I'm very excited for some of this stuff. Thank you, everyone who's been sending in everything. Please keep them coming and come see us live. All right, we got the Netflix is a joke, Side stories on May seventh, 9: 45 at the Avalon in Hollywood. Tickets go on sale this Friday. Come and check us out at Netflix is a Joke. I want us to sell out and make all these other comics be like, Who are these guys? Why are they doing this? I don't even know who they are.

They always do. It's every single time, and they're going to live every day knowing they're not going to know why our audience loves us so much because we all laugh and we love each other, don't we?

Yes, we do. Side stories. 2: 20. That is February 20th in Anchorage. Sold out. Too bad. You missed it. Go and fly your fucking ass up to Fairbanks.

Please come to Fairbanks.

Yes. We are going to be in Fairbanks, Alaska on February 21st. We're going to have a lot of fun up there, and then we're going to see the Northern lights afterwards.

Seriously, come to the The Fairbanks show. That is the farthest we've ever been from home.

I've never been. Now, probably... I'm not coming back.

No, we're not coming back to Fairbanks.

I'm not coming back. This is it.

If you're anywhere in the area, come out. Big announcement. Tomorrow night at 1: 22, we are doing this at 7: 00 PM PST on youtube. Com/lpntv. Bloodbath, the LPN-RPG, is doing the first ever talkback featuring the actual vampires. Oh, wow.

So you do get to do this?

I'm not. You did it.

You made the job yourself.

I did.

You were doing a vampire talkback on your own network.

I'm not doing the job. No, I'm not on that show. Yeah. I'm not on that. Fuck them. No, Mel's on that.

Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. Mel's on it. You're right. No.

Henry Zbrowski's on it. Mel's on it. Check it out. 7: 00 PM, PSD, entirely in character. Come ask us questions. It's going to be a lot of fun. It is emceed by Jared Logan. We're going to have a blast, and we're going to have some announcements about season 2. Hell, yeah. So I'm very, very excited. Come check out The Recient.

That's right. And we got more shows live for you. We're going to be in Urbana, Illinois, on March 14th, Lexington, Kentucky, on April 26th, Rochester, New York, on May 30th, and London, Ontario, on June 28th. Also, come see me do standup. We're doing Philly for last podcast on the Left at the Met on the 31st of January.

Come out. We are going to be.

It's going to be amazing. The night before, I'm going to be doing some standup at City Winery in Philly. That's going to be with Kirsten Michelle Sills, who's a fucking hilarious comedian.

And open to Peggy O'Leary, our old wonderful friend. God, she's fucking hilarious.

She's unbelievable. I'm so happy to share the stage with Peggy again. And then I'm going to be in San Francisco on February 18th at the Punch Line with Grant Gordon and the wonderful Julie Rosen.

Oh, that's nice. Go check it out. We'll see you, fuckers. On the flip.

Yeah. Sucker, sucker, sucker, sucker, sucker.