Transcript of Nobody Wants This

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Hi.

This is very exciting. It's a very exciting weekend. It's a very exciting week.

Yes.

And it's a very exciting week on the show.

Yeah.

It's Nobody Wants This Week.

Yes.

Can't put a fine enough point. We're making a whole week out of it.

That's right. So today we have the great pleasure of hosting Kristen Bell, Adam Brody, Justine Lupe, Timothy Simons.

Fantastic group. This was so fun.

What a crew.

I know.

What a crew. And then This Wednesday. Yeah, we're going to have Erin and Sarah Foster on.

Fantastic.

The producer slash creator, the sisters.

The sisters.

And your parasocial best friends.

Guys, buckle up.

What a week we have in store. Nobody Wants This season 3 is out now on Netflix. It's a fucking banger.

Such a good season.

Watch it.

Please enjoy the cast of Nobody Wants This. He's an object expert. He's an object expert.

You gotta try it.

It looks way too dry to eat in public.

You have no idea how moist it is on the inside.

I don't.

I don't.

I'm gonna talk about this.

But it looks dry and sandy.

Okay, you're not—

Like a coffee cake.

You don't know about things.

So this is a first, guys. We've never done 4 people.

Okay.

I heard Monica say you have no idea how moist it is.

It was really perfect timing.

She brought this to pass.

Yeah, guys, I brought this as a special treat.

I said it looks so fucking dry to eat during an interview.

It's from Zabar's. It traveled all the way from New York City today.

I've been really excited to see you.

Can we—

Can we eat it?

Yeah, great.

Okay.

Rob, we might need a knife. Not right this second, but—

We could just tear it. I mean, I'm—

I do want to see people put this in their mouth.

You have no idea how moist it is.

You have no idea.

No, it's not. I don't.

I'm completely clueless.

That's what I heard.

The moisture.

There's a lot of moisture to a loaf of bread.

The room plays bigger on—

on television.

The room definitely plays bigger.

It's tiny in there.

We're feeling cramped.

Yeah.

This is what happened too on Mom's Car. You arrived and you were like, well, we can't possibly be recording in that Chevy Bolt.

That's right.

Yes, and Erin had to sit in the backseat. And literally, we got a van this season 'cause of you.

Really?

Yeah. So now we have a van with lots of legroom. Adam, I want to immediately applaud you because you were the mensch in this situation because someone had to not sit on the couch.

Oh, yeah.

And you quickly volunteered.

Well, I thought maybe I could be hiding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so cozy in here. I think you can't go wrong.

Oh, thank you. Some of the guests don't like how tiny it is. Yeah, they feel misled by the video representation of it. Certain guests.

We have a lot of people mention how small the room is. They're like, oh, you know, it's like really small place, kind of like the size of this room.

It's a reference point for a lot of people if they're cramped.

Yeah.

Do any of you guys have a memory of, like, the most startlingly small place that you've been into that you've seen on TV and you were there and you were like, oh my goodness?

Good question.

That is a good question.

You guys are probably too young, but did you ever do TRL back in the day?

Yes, but I don't remember it being small.

Oh, I remember being small. Oh my God. I got out there and I was like, oh, it's like a corner of an office floor. Like, it's so tiny.

I think there's 200, 300 people in the audience when you're watching it and there's about 16 bodies in that room.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't remember that.

And they're making up the energy of 300 people.

But there was also people outside on the street for TRL.

Way more people on the street.

God, I loved TRL.

I might have been a recycler.

I probably watched both of you on TRL. Were you on TRL too? You were probably, right? Yeah.

Wow.

What did you go see?

That was my first thing. That was my first ever piece of press.

What?

Was TRL?

I just had a memory.

Good job.

That was your first piece of press as well?

Tell me.

Tell me.

You guys could just talk about this at home if you wanted to, but I, I, I do want to hear it.

They are listening.

Yeah, we are, unfortunately.

So, Kristen Bell, tell me.

The end of my first of—

no, the beginning of my second season of Veronica Mars. So the first season was airing, and I was shooting in San Diego and got a call, and they were like, they want you to fly to New York. They're gonna rework the schedule so you can do TRL. And that was, like, the first time I had ever heard of this situation where, like, you gotta stop working and go do press to promote the products 'cause you are the product.

Big league stuff.

Yeah. I'm vaguely remembering my outfit, and it was—

You hadn't refined your style yet?

I didn't know what I was doing.

We're gonna pull it up for the fact check. Uh-oh. And you were like, You had Veronica hair, like the short one with the spiky flip.

The spikies.

Yeah.

Did Carson Daly interview you?

Yeah. Amazing.

She doesn't know the answer to that. She just said yes, but knowing her, she has no clue.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Were there any artists there that you got to meet?

Well, I don't remember.

No.

There was for me, Timothy.

What was there?

Jewel and her then-husband were also guests.

Big deal.

And I tell the story as To anyone who'll listen. So there's a photo booth at TRL. They tell you to go in and you get a couple photos taken and they put that up. But what they did not realize, Jewel and her husband, was there's a live video feed inside there as well. And we were waiting to go out and they had gone in and someone came out of the control booth. He was licking her breasts inside of the photo booth.

What?

Yes.

And people were running out of the thing going, oh my God, he's like, he's sucking her boob inside.

They don't know.

And they're like debating whether to tell them there's a live feed in there or not. Well, they don't wanna interrupt. Coitus, right?

A nice moment.

What's promising to be coitus, I think.

Well, or the, they're just trying to make a funny photo in the photo booth, right?

I think they were being naughty. They were newly a couple and they were in that phase where no matter what—

They just wanna do it everywhere.

They wanted to be everywhere is my guess. I didn't ask them about it.

I wonder if they made it as a couple.

That's known. And I wanted—

I'm gonna guess no.

I, I wanna say, I have no idea. I remember seeing the headline and I said, oh, it's a bummer that didn't work out. They knew how to have a good time in public.

I'm like, I once went to a Halloween party at a friend's house, and they had like a photo booth set up, and they actually caught people having affairs the next day because, you know, you get the photo printout, but like the digital ones are saved to the thing and you get an entire file. And they found pictures of like friends, like couples.

Yeah.

Wow.

That is really—

I want to— I want to now add a photo booth to our Halloween party to see if we catch— not because I want to bust anyone, I just want to know what's cooking.

Yeah, you just—

we just want the gossip.

You can cut a peephole.

What were they—

were they—

yeah, maybe just have a peephole somewhere in the house.

Okay, they did not make it, unfortunately.

How long did they make it?

But 2008 to 2014, not a—

not a bad run.

That's solid. 6 years, that's solid.

I think this is probably a unique situation where everyone here is married and has children. For a cast where everyone's playing like 4 people who still haven't figured out relationships.

Yeah, that's really good.

I think that's a little ironic.

Everyone in this room but Our guests.

The people on the show are playing like bumbling singles.

Right.

And ironically, they're all married up with kids.

Rock-solid relationship.

Yeah, everyone's feeling rock-solid.

We've never had a problem ever. We've never gotten in a fight. We've never raised our voices. We've been lockstep about everything after 18 years.

Have you thought about writing a book on relationships?

I've thought about it, but it would be pretty boring. It's just you get married and everything goes perfectly the entire time.

End of story.

Chapter 2.

18 years?

Yeah, we've been married for 18 years.

That's amazing.

Which is insane. That's such a long time. I also don't feel like I've been— I'm not sure we all share this of like, no matter how old we get, I still kind of identify as like a 25-year-old. And so it's wild to think that I'm like, I haven't even been alive that long.

I've been married 90% of my life.

90% of my life.

Wow.

That's just crazy. I feel like I just said, I love you, but I've been married to you for like 90% of my life. I need to know what else is out there.

It's part of the show.

Yeah.

Yeah. Do you think the showrunners and writers would have normal ideas that a different cast would have no pushback on? Like, are you ever having scenes where you're like, well, no, a relationship wouldn't work this way, or couldn't work this way, because you are all in— like, just one example, this season, your ex-boyfriend moves in next door, right?

He's hot, by the way.

Yeah, he's cute.

That actor is very attractive.

I was there that day, in fact, where they were smooching.

My husband was there the day that Travis hits on Morgan. So I guess they— you guys both witnessed the magic of Travis.

He texts the spouses. He's cool like that, that actor. He's like, hey, just heads up.

I am very hot and I will be in proximity to your wife.

I don't want to spook you. I'm a 10. Uh, I didn't pick it, I just got lucky. But you want to make your ex super jealous. That's a priority of yours in this season. And I guess for me, that would be a bit of a red flag if I moved in with somebody, like, in first order of business was like, we gotta make my ex jealous. Do you ever, like, reading stuff and going like—

You're not very rabbinical though.

No, no, I didn't push back on that at all because I knew it was there for the comedy. And to be honest, I thought it would be incredibly funny to see Joanne, me, myself, and I, try to to bring it up a notch for a neighbor. I could just see how funny that would be because she starts exercising in the driveway the month he moves in.

Warming up, kind of, for an exercise that never comes.

Correct.

Correct.

No, I just saw the funny in it. I didn't really see it as much of reality. But I feel like you two, especially you the first season—

Yeah, yeah. I was literally— I was about to say, in the first season, There was some indecision about what was gonna happen between Sasha and Morgan. And I kind of just felt like whatever happens here, it is indicative of the state these characters are in. Like, if Morgan is going to, like, make a bold move and hit on a man who has a child and is married, that says something. Sure, sure.

We can infer a couple things.

Yeah.

You know, and—

It teaches you something about your character.

Yeah. And I think we talked about it a little bit when we were here. Like, what track are we on? And can we understand that a little bit more clearly? I think it made for a really interesting dynamic, this kind of gray area between us and trying to figure out what that was between 2 people who are not available to each other, but there's obviously some magnetism.

Your lack of clarity on it could actually be useful to those scenes.

I mean, I think there's that Dustin Hoffman or whatever. Remember the Meryl Streep thing where someone threw a glass at her and they were like, we wanted to surprise you. And she was like, I am an actress.

I hated that.

I actually hate that. I feel like there was just a part of me where I was like, are we gonna make out in the next episode? Or are we friends? Or like, what is this? And it wasn't quite clear. It made for really interesting, like, stuff. But I also was like, it would say— I mean, in terms of speaking to like, how would this play out in real life? Ooh, that is something. It's not nothing to kiss someone who has a child.

That's right.

And like, so we have to like know that that's what we're doing.

Yeah.

If we're doing that. Yeah.

To that point of like being a person that's in a long-term relationship and the experience of that, you really have to tread lightly on that. If I was like an unmarried 25-year-old playing somebody who was married and it was like, oh, we're just making out. It's not a big deal. And it's like, oh no, I don't know how to explain to you. This is a huge fucking deal.

You know the stakes.

You know the stakes of it more. And so then you have to be much more careful. It can't be willy-nilly. Oh, it just happens. You know what I mean? It has to be— Very thoughtful and set up.

And it hasn't come into our story, but even when I look at your story, it's actually being a parent that really, like, you know, where I just watching TV in general, I'm like, what the fuck?

You know?

Um, in a way that like being in a relationship or a long-term one and watching people, I don't, I'm not constantly bringing my own stuff into it as much, but watching parenting or even pet ownership from afar is always, always, I see a lot of stuff I don't agree with.

A lot of judgment.

Yeah. Adam can't watch CIA shows because if the agent has a pet, he's like, well, here's all your— I mean, is he boarding it for 3 months while he's in Iraq? I don't know what's happening.

It's just that the dogs are at the door when you answer the door. They don't come, they get seen later or in the next room. That's all.

That's just the dogs.

The dogs are at the fucking door and you have to deal with that.

That's a fair note.

You're witnessing what a stickler he is for reality right now.

I think it could be funny too.

One thing I did love about that scene of Kaybi exercising in the driveway, like, that in and of itself is funny. And then also the moment that she walks in and Adam's like, wait, you're exercising? You've literally never done this. Like, I like that they found another layer to that joke.

He said, did you go for a run? And I said, ew, no.

Why would I do that?

But also because you guys have zero jealousy, I feel like, Kristin and Dax, But a lot of people do, and they wouldn't be like, that's a red flag, or I wouldn't like that, or whatever. Like, that's like normal for a lot of relationships, I think. Not for you. You don't like it.

Well, I think that'd be even harder on a jealous person. Like, Aya is a kind of not—

They'd watch and be like, oh, I see what's happening here. I get why she wants to— oh, I see what you're saying.

I saw, I saw both sides of it with that one because, A, I think it's really funny.

Yeah, it is.

It's very funny. And Kristin does it so well. The speech is like— I think all of us were dying.

Oh my God.

I do understand the showing face part of it, where it's like when someone's wronged you, wanting to show up as the best version of yourself and be like, mistake. Big mistake.

Yeah.

But I also do feel like the way that she goes to it so hard, I'd be like, why do we care? Why are we concerned about him?

Yeah, yeah.

This feels very unresolved.

It's kind of weird that you're so worried about this guy.

Now I feel kind of crazy because I didn't do any of that analysis on the script when I read it. I was just like, this is gonna be funny.

Great.

We're gonna shoot it tomorrow. Like, I had no thought process behind that other than I think it's going to be funny. But I think I also have accepted that Joanne is working through her immaturity daily and can talk about that. She's like, I don't know how to be in a relationship. I've never done this before. I want to be better. I want to be an adult, but I don't really know how to. So, like, for me, it was just like, oh, of course she's still doing that.

Trying to get the neighbor to regret not paying better attention to you.

Yeah.

Because he was mean.

He was so mean. He was a dick. He's the worst.

Kind of unredeeming other than, again, he is very attractive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That guy's a solid dime piece. There's no two ways about it.

It'd be funny if he started dating people in real life and they were like, no, I, I want you to treat me like you're being too nice.

Like, oh wow.

Like their fantasy is he's a dick to them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In real life, he dates Halsey.

Yeah.

Oh my goodness.

That's a good, that's thrilling. That's a good pairing.

And very appropriate for his good looks.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

They're not wasting, he's not wasting them.

No.

They're both gorge.

Are looks something you'll bring up to a guy about himself?

Good question.

I mean, I guess I wouldn't not, but it's not, you know, it's not the first thing you're mentioning. It's not. Yeah. It's not my icebreaker.

I'm like, right. I mean, if they're having a good day, ridiculous.

That is what he does every time we have someone come in here. That's how it begins.

Well, there's 2 ways you could, you could evaluate this. Mine's probably the lesser of the 2, but one could just be I would love to be told I'm handsome.

You are.

You're handsome.

Thank you.

You're—

I should have just asked.

I don't know why I've been waiting for so long. So then I project onto them like, oh, they would love to hear that they're so handsome.

Yeah. Yeah.

But when you're really handsome, you don't really need to hear it.

Yeah.

But so it's kind of a catch-22.

Tell it to the others.

Well, I do do a bit of that too. I try to find something really nice on someone and—

You'll point out a feature. That's how I know you're flirting with me. a lot. Like if we go to a dinner or something, there's a couple things Dax does where he doesn't have to look up and wink at me, but I know that he's just being the best boy. We'll be at dinner and like he'll say to the waiter or waitress, he'll go, wow, you have incredible eyelashes, gorgeous eyes, great, great job. Wow.

And then—

This is a triggering thing. That's flirting with her.

But that's flirting with me because—

Because what do you want?

Because he just made someone else feel good. 'Cause he's gonna have zero interaction with it.

Let's say it is a girl.

He's gonna have zero interaction with this girl for the rest of his life. The chances of him ever having another conversation with her are so microscopic. But to me, to know that my partner actively smiles at people and gives them compliments.

But you just have such an angel soul.

No one gets her.

It's actually like ironic that comes up in, you know, these—

Yes.

Justine said a waitress had thin lips or beautiful, not thin, nice lips.

Nice lips. Nice lips. You have to find I was trying to find something specific because I think at one point it was her hair was nice and I was like, no, it has to be something like borderlining—

Interesting.

Like a little provocative.

Like you have, you have blank tabs.

'Cause she is, she is saying that she was unhinged.

What the fuck, man? Are you a serial killer? Well, it had to be something—

Also innocent though.

Yeah.

Totally. It had to be something that shows that she was unhinged in that it's a confessional of some sort. She's saying like, I'm not proud of the person that I was in that relationship, but it also couldn't be something so innocent that it's like, oh, you, that, you know. You're crazy.

You nailed it because I heard that, and you're making fun of a guy who does that, and I'm like, I do that, right? But then I was like, I don't do lips.

Lips.

Lips is—

That's crazy. Yeah, we had to figure this out. You have a sensual tongue. You have a beautiful tongue.

No, but you've never done anything that's felt even borderline. Like, you'll point out if someone has great eyebrows or great cheekbones or great— Sure.

You name it.

It is.

But our friend Heather, when you first met Heather, you were like, God dang, girl.

Yeah, the eyebrows were—

You have the eyebrows of the century.

I mean, she has incredible—

Heather Taylor has dynamic eyebrows.

Everyone saw it. I was the only one that said it.

She does have dynamic eyebrows.

Exactly.

That's why it makes me fluttery inside. That's why it gives me butterflies because everyone saw it. He's the only one that said it. Maybe she hadn't had a compliment today.

Yeah.

Made her feel good. And I'm not the guy that's pouring compliments on people, making people feel good.

Mm-hmm.

I do have bad news about that waitress.

Um, oh no.

If we could pull up the pictures from the Halloween party up on this.

That'd be so awesome.

She was a guest.

Okay. Who do you guys think is least like their character? I want to see if there's any consensus. Do you all feel naturally like you're the least?

I'm almost going to say you, but I could make an argument for anyone.

I think you're most like your character.

Interesting.

Oh, I think you are probably the least. I think I'm not that much like Morgan. You—

I feel—

I don't want to point the finger. I think I might be, at least from my view, maybe the closest to mine. Because Adam, I know you're not that perfect.

Yeah. But he's pretty close.

I mean, he's pretty close.

I mean, Noah's not perfect. Noah's not perfect.

And you're way more put together.

You're way more emotionally evolved. She's by far the furthest from Joanne.

I think you're pretty far from Bailey.

I would throw Justine in there because there is a chaos inherent in Justine that I think overlaps with Morgan, but it is not the same. Like, Justine herself is too emotionally intelligent to— I think there's a huge gap there. But there is, like, a really wonderful chaos to Justine that I think overlaps.

Justine's chaos is, like, playfulness at all times. And Morgan's is, like, genuinely wreckage. And there's no wreckage around Justine.

The thing I really honed in on this season of your character was you're a baby. And I think you're smartly playing it as a baby. You're a total baby, Justine.

What do you mean?

If, like, even if Kristin touches her, it's like, Ow!

Oh, yeah. She's such a runner.

Like a little sister who's just like—

My God, that's my favorite runner.

She's a great runner, yeah.

Yeah, I was explaining it. We were watching it with my 2 childhood friends from Detroit who are in town, and I'm trying to explain to them, Oh, my God, this bit that nobody even knows is happening, you must be aware of it at all times, that anytime Kristin touches Justine, she screams or overreacts to anything that's happening. Or when you're asleep, you just won't get out of bed, and the way you're talking to your mom, like, Mom! Like, you're just a child.

Yeah.

There's a little bit of an unbridled regression to her, and especially in familial moments. I do like that a different thing comes out of her this season. Like, there's a different level of accountability, a different level of standing her ground and self-realization this season.

I think it's Morgan's season.

That's really nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is.

She has some real estate to play with, for sure. And... It was really, really fun to go there and have it drop into a different thing for her than the girl that we see, like, throughout the other seasons.

Yeah, dating her therapist.

And see her actually find something of substance with someone and fight for it, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

I have a lot of fun with the idea of— because I know it. I go home, and there's parts of me that I'm like, oh, this is like 15-year-old me showing up to this situation with my family. Or I regress. Or the thing that we were talking about earlier with, like, your oldest friends where you just— into a childlike thing. And so, I just tried to find some of that with the family, and with Joanne and the parents. What are the parts of her that she maybe doesn't show everyone, but come out because they're just wired into her disposition to go there?

Often when you're on a show, and I think for a long time, or at least I and the people I've worked with have noticed too, is you get protective of your character in not a good way. It's the episode where you're going to cheat, and you're just like, no, I don't want my character to cheat. I don't want everyone to hate my character. I weirdly think, Adam, you're in the opposite situation on this show in that you are, like, the voice of reason at all times, and calm, and rabbinical. Are you on this show sometimes going like, let me fuck everything up? Do you go another way when your character is Saul?

I enjoyed last season, second season. I got to make a lot more mistakes, and I enjoyed that a lot for the comedic element of it. We're human, and we're portraying people, characters and flawed, and we're working through our flaws and all those things. But, you know, I'm always conscious of, like, we do want these characters to end up together. We want to be happy that they're together. And so I'm protective of that. And if anything goes too astray where I'm like, I just don't think I like this guy. To answer your question, I don't think he's been so perfect that I haven't felt occasionally like, this is straying into something that's almost unforgivable to me. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

And so, like, is there any way to soften this so I can still be on his side as an audience and still want this to happen versus, versus like, just leave him.

So you're still having it?

I'm still—

I still feel like, no, I try to protect his integrity.

Well, I'll air our dirty laundry. Like, what I would want from Kristen one time is I go like, well, this guy just shoved this old lady down it. And I'd want her to one time go like, yeah, what a fucking piece of shit this guy is. But instead she'll go like, I think that guy might have stage 4 cancer. I think he lost his footing. I think he just was trying to brace himself on the old lady and that's what happened. She's so positive and rabbinical. Sometimes I want her to be a piece of shit.

In real life.

Yeah, in real life. Sometimes I want her to just be like, you're right, that guy's a fucking asshole. I hope he finds his way into a manhole cover, you know?

But she's also not naive. I don't want it to sound like that.

No, I don't think it's that. It's just she has a very compassionate, forgiving view of the world, which I think your character too— of every time I would come to your character, You're gonna kind of put it through the filter of this deep wisdom. And sometimes you just want your partner to be like a piece of shit with you and be judgmental of all the complaints to have. I'm sorry.

Sometimes we do talk shit once in a while.

Parenting, you might get us going a little bit when you're observing other people.

I think that's the thing.

I got your easiest to be judgmental.

I'll tell you this about strangers. I will not do it.

I draw a hard line on that.

I do not know enough about that person. I would have to be so arrogant to assume that my 1-second view of whatever this person did walking by me on the street is the absolute correct conclusion about the type of person they are. You're right.

You're 100% right.

That feels insane to me because people are dimensional. And Monday I may be in a great mood and Tuesday I may be a little moody and Wednesday I may be like, I need a friend. I'm that person all 3 of those days. I just have, like, we say, We can't speak to wanting to play dimensional people and then not want them, I think, to like make slight mistakes or have forgiveness. But to strangers, I just don't like the judgment. But sometimes when I know someone, I'm okay with judging a little bit because I'm like, oh, that person keeps making this criticism.

Well, it's a great quality. I'm telling you, of the things that I have to complain about, that is a tiny complaint that you're too positive. But I project on you when you're with him and he's got all the perfect answers. And it's like sometimes you wanna be like, no, I wanna be a piece of shit right now.

Yeah. Noah in real life, I would say. Like, you go to you and you will be the one that's like, yeah, yeah, kind of the voice of reason and talking through. We are gonna have Erin and Sarah on, on Wednesday. And what I do think is very sweet is you can kind of see— and maybe I'm wrong about this, we'll find out— but the way Erin looks at Simon, you see written out in this show between the two of you. There's so much— like, she clearly just like adores him so much.

Yeah.

and sees him through this lens of—

Idealized kind of— Yeah, but in a good way. Yeah, no, totally.

Like a real friendship.

Yeah.

It comes through there, which I think is, like, lovely.

No, I feel that too. I, like, feel like that's kind of the engine of the show is how in love she is with Simon. Every time she talks about him, it's just relentlessly— my friend Brianna is like this with her husband, the one that you just met, Dax. I've never in the entire time that they have been dating or since they started dating. She's— I'm not even joking— never said one bad word about him.

Wow.

And I know they have their stuff, but she just knows. You actually are like this with Leighton too. I mean, we're not close enough that you would ever bitch to me about Leighton, but I do feel like there's, like, a similar feeling of, like, reverence and respect and, like, love that you can just feel how highly they think of their partners. And I think that that is what makes this show, like, work actually, is Erin's love for Simon.

Me too.

That's the fuel.

I think so.

Yeah. Okay, so this season is about moving in together. You guys— there we go. Oh, you're cracking it. You still need to tear it with your hands. Zaza bars.

Nope, Zay bars.

I love that it's in a contraption that's just built to be loud.

Yeah. It's made of symbols. 3 different qualities of loud.

I'll do it faster.

Adam is never shy to get into snacks.

I'm glad.

He'll have a bear claw.

Oh, my God. He has a bear claw every morning. How do you stay so thin?

Only because they're on set. I don't, like, search them out in my own life, even though I love them. They're on set. They're really good. They cut them into, you know, thirds. So it's like, I'm not necessarily—

You're not throwing down a whole bear claw.

But a donut, a bear claw, anything carnival-esque, Adam is like—

Funnel cake, churro.

He goes right to crafty.

Oh, I mean, I think about, like, last meal a lot, you know? And I'm like, hot churro, whatever. Like, I don't need, like, a steak frites.

Sweet.

Your dessert.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, or like, is anything better than bread? Like, just like a hot bread, but you know.

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Wait a minute, guys. I have an incredible game that I think Anna maybe invented. Marissa invented. It's like a fuck, marry, kill.

Uh-huh.

Bread, pasta.

Bread, pasta, rice. I think this was me. This was you?

Yeah.

Oh, maybe it's circling.

Okay, well, what are yours? Well, actually mine was, for some reason potato was in there. Mine was pasta, rice. And I would fuck potato, or no, I'd marry potato. I'd fuck pasta. I'd kill rice.

You'd marry potato?

It's an amazing food. It's so inexpensive. It's so versatile. You can do You can do a boiled potato, you can do a twice-baked potato, you can do a mashed potato, you can do a French fry, you can do—

Baked.

A baked potato. You can do roasted potato, you can do scalloped potato.

You can do potato chips.

It's like there's so much potential for all different kinds of things. Like there's never a time I'm not in the mood for a potato.

But what are you gonna do if we put rice in?

I mean, uh, bread. Bread.

Bread, I think it would go marry pasta, fuck bread, kill rice. I like rice, but it's just not for me.

I love rice. I love sushi. I'm gonna kill rice. I'm gonna fuck pasta. I'm gonna marry bread.

Wow.

I think I'm marrying rice.

Good for you, Tim. Classy.

Barry.

I'm killing pasta, and I'm gonna fuck bread.

Nice.

I think— here's the thing about— I, I don't— here's one thing I will say.

You don't like pizza either.

Yeah, like, I'm not like a don't like pizza. I like pizza, but I, I like the moment it happens, and then I hate every moment after.

Oh, sure, sure. It doesn't do well with me.

I asked him what his favorite recommendation was. for food were in our neighborhood, and he was like, just no pizza options. There's no pizza. None. And then I asked about pizza and you're like, I don't eat pizza.

Yeah, I'm never like, hey, let's go out for pizza. Pizza is the thing where it's like, oh, this is an abs— and I love it and I think it's incredible. Yeah, but I'm never like, you know what we should absolutely do? Go to a restaurant for pizza.

Same.

Of course.

You know what I mean?

You order it for the kids.

Yeah, kids over.

And then it's just like, no, you are.

It's It's meant to be eaten like standing on a sidewalk or over a seat.

Yeah, sure, sure.

That's what I mean.

It's supposed to be eaten in like community with friends at a party when you're talking.

Isn't it good?

Or like eating while watching a movie.

It's miserable to eat though.

It's such a happy food. I love pizza.

Can I jump in on this?

Please.

Yeah, but I don't eat pizza at a restaurant. Yeah.

Really?

It's hard to eat.

What about like mozza or something?

Oh yeah, what about that kind of fancy pie?

Yeah. Mozza? No. Mozza.

I know, I also get pasta.

I agree with you.

You are pointing something out though that didn't occur to me. when I was a kid, but there was always something a bit strange about going to Pizza Hut. I certainly liked it, but there was some unsettling aspect. You didn't like Pizza Hut? Yes. And I'm now realizing that you would be welcome.

I had Pizza Hut 8,000 times. I've never been there.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, really?

I went to Pizza Hut.

In the '80s?

Oh, it was a big deal to have your family take you to Pizza Hut.

That was like, oh, you graduated 5th grade.

Let's go to Pizza Hut.

Yeah, that's right. That's so weird. And sitting at a table waiting for a pizza to arrive was a little bit kinky. There was something weird about it.

For a long period of time, there was that great onion ring It wasn't a full article, but it was just like, insurance company clearly used to be a Pizza Hut. The Pizza Hut would close and another business would move in.

It's a rough rebrand.

Yeah.

It's hard to shake the—

I wouldn't do it. Don't do it.

Oh, you really went at it.

Yeah, I know.

She clawed it.

It wasn't a great idea.

It was hard, you know, and it was hard to— I should have really provided that.

It's really, really good though.

Just going back, I find that idea of character protection intriguing.

Oh, please.

I think that's, like, a really important thing. Like, it seems like it's a challenging balance to find of protecting character. Like, definitely in the case of first season, if I'm married with a kid, the character protection of being like, okay, there's gotta be a real reason if that happens. We have to see that. That can't just be, like, willy-nilly done.

Yeah.

It's the same thing with strangers. You're saying you're protecting your character 'cause you're like, oh, well, he never would do that. There's probably a reason for it. You're being protective of your characters. That's a feeling I have about strangers.

Yeah, yeah.

But then there's also that thing of, like, it feels like you're always trying to find the balance of protecting it, but then also being open enough to find out something new about the character, being open to the stuff that the writers bring in, being open to that so that it can expand. I don't know. It's a delicate thing.

Well, there's an inherent tension between the showrunners and directors and the actors, which is the actors are supposed to make each moment real as possible. And then the creators are supposed to be arcing out stories some incredibly riveting story with stakes and plot. And so there's a built-in tension. And I think at the beginning, that's why I said when you're on a show longer, I think it gets harder. Because when you first get there and they give you your character, Tim, and they go, you got a kid and you're gonna cheat on your wife, you're like, okay, great. You just tell me who it is.

That's the character.

I think it's more precarious when you've been playing someone for 2 and a half years or 3 years and you think you know them, you're making decisions based on what you understand about them, and then they present something with you that's like, well, this isn't that person.

You know, that actually came up—

It came up this season.

It came up this season. I remember in the first arc pitch, when we, like, go into the room and they kind of tell you broadly what's going to happen, the moment when we first heard it after New York was that Morgan was going to say something on the show, and I was just going to leave. And I remember feeling when I heard that, and maybe this is an example of character protection, being like, it feels like Sasha is learning how to be more mature. That sort of, like, learned incompetence thing of Jackie is gonna— Esther's gonna be taking care of everything for me, and I'm just sort of, like, learned incompetence. And he has to grow up a little bit, and he slowly has. And I remember bringing it up to them. It felt a little bit too childish for him to, like, hear this and then go to the airport and leave her there.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. There was, like, a whole thing about how, how Morgan was gonna be like, I'm done with it, I don't want to do it, that was whatever, and then avoid it and be mean to him. And we had a conversation where we were like, actually, I think Morgan has been changed by this experience.

Yeah, yeah.

And I think that Morgan should be the one carrying the flame a little bit. Originally it was gonna be like, okay, well, whatever. I said, uh, what was it?

It was like—

Oh, it was like, can you validate my parking?

Yeah, it was like— it was basically her gonna be like, okay, well, I didn't mean it anyway. And we had that conversation where I was like, I actually think she has to, like, say, I'm okay. Like, I hear you, and that's not what I want, but I'm not taking it back. 'Cause there was a moment where they were like, well, I said it first, and I actually didn't want to be with you. And I was like, I think that there's been a change here.

Yeah.

And it is tricky, 'cause in that moment, it felt like I was advocating for her character development because of what they had written and what that would mean to her, I imagine. And then there's other times where you're like, the things that I butt up against, I'm like, okay, there shouldn't be protection in terms of, like, vanity getting in the way. Like, you as an actor are, like, scared to look mean or scared to look bitchy. You're scared to look stupid. And there were some times where that even hap— like, there was a point where Morgan yells at Sasha. She's like, Sasha, come on, get in here! And I was like, eh, it feels a little harsh. And they were like, well, just think about, like, who she is and what she's going through. And da-da-da-da. And I was like, oh, right. They're right. Like, this is me wanting to, like, not be a bitch as Morgan, but Morgan actually in this circumstance would be a little bit too much. And luckily, I feel like these writers, especially, like, this season where we had, like, a little bit more of a point of view about these things, they were, like, so receptive and, like, collaborative, and it went well.

But it is a tricky balance trying to figure out when it's, like, your head, your own thing getting in the way of what's right for the actual show, and when it's, like, helpful and moving it in a good direction.

On the flip side, I really enjoyed It's amazing to be in the 3rd season of something, and the writers know you so well, and you know them, and you're seeing the stuff that's written so for you and what you've done together. And there's also that familiarity that it's so different than when you're embarking on something.

Yeah. Again, I think it's like the right tension that needs to exist. I think— I won't name the showrunner, but there are some that's like, plot, everything else be damned. You know, it's like, I don't care that this person's not at all the character they were 3 episodes ago. I don't love watching that. You can feel a little betrayed sometimes when you're super into a show, and all of a sudden, someone's acting, and you're like, hold on, this is not the character we've been watching for 4 seasons.

Remember Khaleesi?

Khaleesi. They gave it to her high and hard, didn't they?

Yeah, that was a harsh season.

But it depends on the show, 'cause, like, on Veep, you wouldn't have felt that, right?

There were times.

Really?

I remember one specific time on Veep, and it was the season where I was being molested. And this was, like, a benefit of, like, the rehearsal process that we had. and that there was this moment that I was supposed to reveal that I'm being molested, and the people that I was with were supposed to hear it. And the joke was that they're hearing it, and then also more and more people are being revealed in the room on the phone that I'm saying it to. You know what I mean? So you think it's one person, and then somebody else is there. And then all of a sudden, Gary Coles just goes, and I'm here too.

Yeah.

So, like, I knew the joke, but, like, that scene was initially supposed to be played on air. and I was supposed to be saying this over the phone. And in rehearsal, I just kept saying, guys, I know you need me to say it on the phone so that they can hear it. If I'm on a porch, I'm going to take 5 steps away. I don't— like, I just kept saying it over and over and over. Like, it will look dumb. And also, just character-wise, he is embarrassed of this.

He hates that this is happening.

Yeah.

And so, I'm not going to give this information in a place where anybody could hear it. And ultimately, we rewrote it to be in the back of a limousine, and ultimately ended up being funnier, just because in the moment, he's on the phone, and he knows everybody can hear him, but he tries to turn away. He's gonna do everything he can. I'm not fighting against the joke. I'm not trying to fight against— it's just, if he's on a porch, he's gonna walk 20 feet away.

But he's still a person.

It's still a person. It's a nightmare of a person. But he's still— and so that's funnier.

Believe it or not, he's still a person.

Fighting for things is where I am.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Okay, now back to this season 3 being about cohabitating, really, for the first time, you guys. I wanted to know what each of you thinks is your most annoying habit someone learns as they move in with you.

Oh, I know.

You know yours? Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Do you know?

I would be afraid to guess. Let's say it at the same time.

Let's say it at the same time.

Oh, no.

3, 2, 1.

You're so pretty.

His squirrel piles.

Is it that you're too pretty?

No.

And you make your cohabitants feel insecure?

No.

What is it?

My squirrel piles.

Oh, okay. No, the funniest— yeah, tell people about your squirrel piles. 'Cause really, I'm now knowing what you're talking about.

They're just piles of things that need decisions. They need time, effort, and decisions. Perhaps it's a hand sanitizer that's on the bed and that needs to be put in the linen closet. And it's also maybe a brush from the girls' room and someone's t-shirt and a stuffy and maybe a bracelet I took off. And so that will become a squirrel pile at the end of the bed because there's too many decisions and places that those things need to go. So I just collect them.

It's a cleaning pile.

Yeah, but it makes the opposite of cleaning happen. It really just makes these little— I mean, they also call them doom piles, but they, yeah, have a lot of little squirrel piles.

So your doom piles don't bother me other than the one time I was really annoyed with you. You guys, I was on the bed, and if you were to go into our room right now, there are no less than 17 gadgets that Kristin has ordered off Instagram, right? There's like a back stretcher, there's a mat with electrodes in it, there's a thing for your skin, right? It's everywhere.

There's my sauna, there's my mask.

They're crammed underneath the console under the TV. They're under the bed if you look under her bed. There's just gizmos everywhere. And I'm laying on the bed, like, researching somebody, and I hear, do you need this in here? And she is holding up my IMSA driving race license. It was a very important— it's a credit card.

Oh, like a driver's license.

In this room of shit everywhere, she's opened a drawer and she's like, do you have to have this anymore? And in that moment, I was like—

I would love to get rid of it.

I'm clear to step out.

How dare you ask me to get rid of the one thing in this room that's mine, that I need, when you're standing on top of a mountain of your own garbage? Oh, that's funny. That was the time I was— it made me get critical of the podcast.

Understandably.

And honestly, like sometimes I get so paralyzed with the decision of like, okay, but I really do wanna use that shoulder massager because I really did hear it works. I haven't had the time before bed, or I haven't had the time during the day, but I want, I wanna get to it.

And if you put it away, that's failure.

Mm-hmm.

If I put it away, that's failure.

I can't see it.

Yeah.

And then it's gone. I'm like a baby. I don't understand object permanence.

So if it's not in front of me, it doesn't exist.

It's gone.

It's very outta sight, outta mind. No, you are.

It's gone.

Yeah.

Even with other people.

Yeah.

Honestly. Well, I try to be very present.

And if I can be a little critical, 40% of the piles are stuff she just needs to throw in the trash. But the guilt of throwing something away or putting it in the recycling is monumental for her.

You can't recycle a lot of this stuff.

I could go through these piles and have them reduced in an afternoon.

Right. Because you don't care about back pain and, and skinny arms.

Well, either do you or you'd be using the device.

Good point.

Well played.

What's yours though?

Yeah, I'm a different man than when I started dating my wife 14 years ago, but I didn't even know how to make a cup of coffee. I literally like just got up every morning and went to a coffee shop and got a coffee and a bagel and like a newspaper anyway. So I was not domestic, you know, I could pour food in the dog bowl and that was like where I wasn't like a slob, you know, I kept things nice, but I wouldn't wash anything or clean anything or I didn't cook. So I didn't know how to do the dishes. Um, I didn't have dishes.

You're like, yeah, you just throw those out.

No, these are our nice dishes.

company.

So I think that was a bit of a shock. But, you know, I've since caught up and I feel pretty good domestically now.

Do you think that's because you got pretty successful young?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right? Like, you would have had to learn how to cook for yourself and all that if you were broke.

I had a housekeeper once a week.

Yeah.

And that got everything done I needed to do. Like I said, I wasn't a slob. It wasn't like the place was destroyed, but I was like, I don't need to learn how to clean a toilet.

Right.

Yeah.

And, you know, Leighton was very much the opposite. And I also just think my interests truly— I like cooking now, but I didn't have anyone to so it didn't feel as interesting to me. And kids have changed that. And now I got all my chores that I like, and it's separated into our spheres.

And he loves chores.

I love my chores. There are things I'll never do, I'm not interested in. But my shit? The trash, the dishwasher.

Oh, yeah, that's a good one. I hate doing that.

Love that. Feeding the dog? I still do that.

What about you, Justine?

I have a few, but I'd say the thing— 'cause my husband's a neat freak. He's very clean. He can't cook either, so that's, like, my grievance with him is the non-cooking. In the time that we've been together, I actually know he's cooked me 3 meals. And one of them was a rice cake with almond butter and blueberries and honey.

Oh, wow.

That's how shitty he is that you would remember that as something that was made for you.

That's really cute. That was not a meal. And I was like pregnant. I was like, this is so disappointing that that's your idea of a meal. This is brought up on our show, but I leave doors open. Every cabinet door I leave open. I leave the tops off of everything. And that drives him crazy. And then the last one is that I so often am doing things, and as I'm doing them, I'm in autopilot. And so my, like, head is on a different planet, and I'm just doing things. I remember, like, one time he, like, lifted up a chocolate bar, and there was, like, a Q-tip underneath it. And he was like, what in the world? Or, like, a spatula in the bathroom, and he's like, how?

Yeah.

Like, I think that's annoying for him. It's not annoying in a real way, but it's like, what the fuck is happening? Like, how did this happen? Like, what is the story behind that? And he would take pictures of things that I would leave and be like, And be like, tell me what the story is.

Yeah, we just want the order.

Did the chocolate bar come first or the Q-tip?

Totally.

Yeah, I just need to know what order.

I have this story. He got me an engagement ring. I knew he was gonna propose to me. I found it. And one day he came up to me and he was like, you found my engagement ring. And I was like, no, I didn't. And he was like, yes, you did. And I was like, no, I didn't. He was like, yes, you did. I know you did. And I was like, how did you know? And he was like, because I opened up the box and there was peanut butter all over the ring.

No!

And it was when I was pregnant, because we got married— he proposed to me after we were pregnant. And I was sitting in bed, I was sitting in bed eating peanut butter, and I opened up his bedside table and I was like, ooh, and put it on. It almost got peanut butter all over it and put it back.

Oh my God, you're so indignant with like, no, I didn't. Yeah, there's fucking peanut butter all over it.

I'm like messy in that way.

Would you always lie, or was that like, oh, I gotta protect this?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't want him to think that I had, like, seen it.

Right.

Did he still propose, or did he in the moment just take it?

No, no, no. He still proposed.

He had, like, a—

You should have buried it in a whole jar of peanut butter.

Yeah.

Eat your way to this.

Eat your way to our life together.

So good.

I think the list of things that would annoy a cohabiting person is too long.

Okay.

I think I am a nightmare to live with, and I have gotten I think if I were to pull out one, I'll say 2 things. I think if I were to pull out one—

No reason to limit it if you want to go to 3 or 4.

The one that I think if there was one thing, it would be that if I'm going to do, if I'm going to do the dishes, if I'm going to clean a room, ultimately there is always one dish that is not done. The job is 99.9%, and then I think something happens where I'm just like, well, I'm walking away from this.

Can I ask you, is it a specific kind of dish you won't get into, or is it just always the last?

It's kind of the last one in any room. it's usually the one where it's like, I gotta get the fucking bottle brush out for this.

Yeah, fuck that. That's what I mean. It's a special, it's a special operation. It's a special operation.

But I, one thing about being in a long-term relationship is that we have now been together long enough where there have been moments where I've just like, you know, there's a certain way you fold the towels in order for them to fit in the basket that go where the towels go. And we have been together long enough that there have been times where I've just said, Annie, I love you so much. I don't give a fuck about this. Like, I just, there, I am going to learn so many. I have learned to cook. I have learned to be better. I've, I've tried to get better at the squirrel piles. You know, I've tried, I've tried to engage with some of these things. And then every once in a while, it's just like, I need to prepare you that this one will never happen. I'm doing all these other things and I'm really trying. And there are a couple of times where I've just had to been like, I just fundamentally do not give a fuck about this one. So that's unfortunately going to be on you.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's reasonable. Okay.

No, I've had a similar talk with Tyson about his grievances with me where I'm like, well, this is just gonna be the thing.

Yeah.

And like, there's so many things that I do. Like, I cook every meal. I get out all the groceries.

Da da da da da.

So babe, yeah, you're gonna have to close some doors. You're gonna have to screw on some caps. That's just gonna be how it goes.

Yeah.

I'm guessing for you though, what's really happening, Tim, more than I would think it's one dish you don't want to fuck with, is your brain, the second you're closing in on the finish of the project, you go to the next thing you're doing, and then that's so overwhelming you just start doing it.

Yes, though we've talked about like the ADHD thing before, of you get a hobby one morning and it's like, well, this is all I care about for 3 days. It is that thing. The amount of times I have pulled into a gas station at 0 miles left— a friend of mine put this to me in a great way, and I might have mentioned it on Mom's car— that Filling up your gas tank is 100% executive function and 0% dopamine reward. So of course I'm always going to run out of gas.

I hate getting gas.

It's the worst. It is.

It is. I hate it so much.

It's such a waste of time.

Yes. I love it. It's one of the reasons I was thinking about getting a fully electric car.

You're gonna have the same issue.

And I was like, I was like, okay, it saves me from getting gas. That's all.

Yes.

But my executive function is like, oh, well, when I'm down to 0 miles, I can't just go to a gas station. So I— anyway, this is all to say that yes, there is also something in there of just like, well, I got close and I'm on to the next thing.

What was the great Instagram we saw?

It doesn't have to be finished. It just has to be perfect.

Yeah.

Every, every ADHD project is—

it doesn't have to be finished.

It doesn't sound like all of yours are ADHD.

Yeah. Mine are.

It's squirrel piles. I'm sure.

It's like my head being on a different track. It's somewhere else.

Funny about gas.

'Cause I think that's the least Virgo thing about me. I always let it go to zero. I'm normally, I don't operate like that.

That might be a female thing. I associate gas stations with like not fun, not good.

Murder.

That's kind of like always, I've had like a handful of like just not fun encounters at gas stations. People talking to me, like, I don't know.

That's exactly why I like 'em. It's like, oh, this is where the rubber meets the road. Yeah. Everyone has to use this gas station.

Think about it. The best possible thing that could happen at a gas station is you get gas. That's the height of the bounce, and everything else is like a gradient of less.

You get the gas, cash off, and win.

Oh, God!

That's the other thing I hate about gas stations is, like, you just watch money eat itself up so fast.

Yeah, you do.

Like, it is just like, oh, wow, I didn't get anything I actually wanted. Like you said, there's no dopamine hit of being like, I got something! for this exorbitant amount of money.

Yeah.

Although it is a little bit of a dopamine release if it's on zero and you make it.

Yes.

So maybe that is part of it.

There's like a cycle.

There is a little bit of like, oh, I did it.

You're setting yourself up.

You figured out how to gamify it to keep yourself interested.

Yeah.

That's such a powerful example of framing. 'Cause I go there and yes, it's a total money suck for something not fun, but I for so many years couldn't afford to fill up my tank. tank that when I'm doing it, I'll go like, oh, look at these gas prices, these suck, and it's not gonna affect me. Like, it gives me the biggest boost of gratitude when I'm dumping $100 into the truck and it's not gonna kill me. Yeah, I'm like, fuck yeah, let it rip.

I remember when I was first in LA, I would be like, okay, we're just gonna put in like $10.

Exactly, exactly.

And we're gonna pray for a dip in the gas price next week. Well, mine is certainly I make so many fucking noises, and I think any girl I ever dated before they moved in must have just been like morning 3 living with me, like, oh my God, kind of noise.

Like body noises?

Every type of noise you could imagine.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to do some impressions?

Clearing my throat. I'm always congested.

Congested.

This is foul. Like, the fact that she has stayed with me through this is really incredible.

How about farting?

Do you fart in front of each other? Yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, but the whole gang does, right?

You don't fart?

Neither one of you?

You don't fart ever?

What about you, Shane?

I don't want to say ever, but my children fart. Yes.

Don't they just like unlock the door to everyone farting?

No, no, I, um, I have other bad habits, but it's a split.

Farting's never been a big issue for me.

Wow.

Not to brag.

You're blessed.

Well, not to brag.

You're eating bear claws in your thing. Yeah. You don't fart.

I was going to say, I can drink all the milk I want. A bunch of times.

What about you? Do you? Yeah, I do. But I will say it's like been an evolution for sure. But at the very beginning, so pregnancy for me, I fart a lot more. Oh, good. Makes sense.

Did you ever have that?

Makes sense.

I did.

It made me gassy.

Gassy.

And I remember, oh, so Tyson and I did not live together when I got pregnant the first time. And I remember there was this one point, and a couple months later he moved in, but that was crazy anyway.

Yeah.

Um, that's a lot of change in one.

But I remember there was one morning where he was like, okay, bye, I'm gonna go to work.

And he left.

And I was sitting in bed and I was like, okay, finally I can fall asleep.

I already like where this is going.

I think I know where it's going.

I know.

It's scaring me.

And it was truly like a music, like, like, like, like 3 of them.

Wow.

Like the orchestra pit warming up before the show. Massive, massive horns.

And I was like, and then I, 10 minutes pass and I walk into the living room, which is like a direct path. Like it's literally like my room and then like a hall and then the living room. And he's just sitting on the couch and he turns to me. He's like, yep, I heard it. And I remember I was livid. I was like, you didn't tell me that you were back. They pushed my call. And I was like, how could you not tell me? I was like, I was so embarrassed. and I was mad at him the whole time.

He's like, I didn't know there was this much riding on my call getting pushed.

And he was like, that was crazy.

I didn't even know there was.

That's funny 'cause I've only been mad at Jackie Tone once in the 19 years I've known her. And it was, we were at our old house. I'm in the bathroom by myself in the middle of the afternoon, and I farted, and it stunk. Mind you, I'm not putting any of this together when it happens. And then Jackie just blows into the bathroom and then goes directly into Kristin's closet and starts grabbing shit to wear. for some event, and then says hi and then leaves. And I now am furious.

Let's clarify a little bit. So you would walk into our bedroom, then you pass through the bathroom, which has a closed-door toilet area, then you would go into my—

Well, I wasn't taking a dump. I was standing at the sink and I had farted just in a piece of my own bathroom.

Understood.

Yeah. And what's funny is the brain works so fast. This took me hours to realize what really went on. So she left and I, like, am on the phone to I'm like, there's gotta be some boundaries with your friends that just come into our house. They go straight into the fucking bathroom and then they're just rummaging through your shit. Like, can I get a heads up? I'm really like spiraling about how many people are allowed to just walk into our house in our bathroom. And hours later I was like, that's not what happened at all. I was embarrassed that it smelled in the bathroom.

Yeah.

I don't care if she comes in the bathroom if I haven't farted. I'm like, oh, this whole thing was, I was embarrassed that I farted.

You need a safe space.

Yeah. I mean, that's also a fair thing to want is space to fart in. in your own house.

Yeah, well, that's why I felt so good. The court case I was making was bulletproof. Like, yeah, people shouldn't just walk into your bathroom in the middle of the afternoon, but that wasn't the truth, right?

That's very involved of you to get there. But there was a lot of that in your defense in the beginning, because I've always let all my friends come. I'm like, dude, just come on in. I don't want to come answer the door. Just if you're coming over, come over. If you need to grab something, come over.

It's a very—

Straight into our bathroom.

First off, your policy—

but I have a relationship with a lot of people like that. And when we were first together That really was just fucked you.

But it was just my farm. It was just my farm.

I have this thing. I would, like, give all my friends the code to our house, and Tyson Aventura was like, enough!

How many fucking people have the house code?

And I'd be like, literally, I don't even know how to name how many people have it. And he was like, can we not?

We just have to move. Like, we just have to move.

We changed it up.

Are you guys not making noises? Because, like, my grandpa made noises and my dad made noises. Are you not making male noises?

Yeah, no, I'm making the male noises.

You are?

I'm making the groans and the clicks and the farts and all the time going up the stairs and my knees are I love a loud—

like, a loud sneeze. But now I got everyone in my family doing it.

Like a dad sneeze.

Everyone just power sneezes.

I hate that.

Full body. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

Can I tell you what I hear as I fall asleep laying next to Dax, this is what you'll hear as you're falling asleep.

You guys, I'm so embarrassed.

What is it?

What is it?

What's happening?

If my headphones are on.

Oh, you're listening to music and clicking.

I still have tics. Mostly in my waking time, I have my hands around them. But if I have like headphones on, I'm listening to a book on tape and I enter that zone, I will start doing weird tics. A lot of teeth stuff and clicking and Yeah, I gotta like check the way my lips blow out air. Like, I just gotta check that.

This is a good episode for maybe if younger people are listening to this to like prepare them for what adult relationships are like.

I don't think it's good. The marriage rate is already on decline. I don't think this is gonna maybe help.

I mean, but the thing is, you're kind of like—

No, it's sweet.

Isn't that kind of what's awesome about marriage?

Yeah. That's never bothered me, your noises, ever. In fact, I love knowing exactly where you you are in the house. I love your little noises.

Well, the kids have convinced me whether they're lying to my face or not. They're like, no, it's comforting. I know you're in the house and we're safe. And I'm like, oh, thank God you frame that generously.

That's what it is. That is a beautiful thing.

Yeah. But I could hear my grandpa at the, in the back bedroom of the house, like the way he would try to free something up from his sinuses, which seemed to be something he did 2 hours a day. I would just be like, holy fuck, how does grandma live with this? But then it was, I would kill to hear that. noise right now. What were you about to say about the noise?

I was just gonna say I have to work very hard to not scare my wife coming into a room. Is that any— anyone else or no? No, no, no, it doesn't seem like I have to like make a noise even if she knows I'm home. Like, I have to kind of make a noise.

Make yourself known.

If I don't, if I'm not audibly heard coming in, it's gonna be terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do know that I have scared Kristen on accident, and Kristen goes straight to crying when she scared. And then she says, don't do that. Like, it's very—

If I'm startled, not like if I'm watching, like, I love horror movies and I'll watch them and I don't cry. But if I'm startled, pop out, for sure. Those are scary. Immediate tears. Don't come from the other side of the fridge and say like, boo. That is not for me.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And our daughter loves to do that to you. She loves to do it to me and I loathe it.

You have some little gremlins and I kind of love it. Yeah.

Yeah.

I love popping out and scaring.

Did you do any pranks this year? This season? No pee pranks? No drinking pee?

It's kind of hard once you go that big. You kind of fucked yourself for future pranks.

Yeah.

And that's not actually— I'm not a huge pranker. It was an act of love because I know that you love pranks. But I love watching a prank. I love receiving a prank. But I'm not always thinking about pranks.

It's not like, ooh.

Speaking of crying, I cried watching the show. I never cry, but I cried at the proposal. Again, for, uh—

Yeah, me too.

Spoilers. It was so sweet. It was so, so sweet and so well done. And I am curious about people's proposals. We got yours, sort of.

Well, the actual proposal was in Bora Bora.

Ooh.

Oh my gosh.

And it was on our babymoon. And I went to a yoga class, and I got back, and he was like, come swim with me. swim in the back area. And then I went swimming, and I got out, and he, like, put a towel on from behind me. And then when I turned around, he was down on one knee. Aww!

That's romantic!

It was really sweet. He said he had prepared a whole speech, but what came out was, you are my girlfriend, and I would like you to be my wife.

Aww! Like a caveman guy.

He was like, will you marry me?

And I was like—

he was like, the nerves just, like, washed— all the words went out.

Yeah.

So it was just, like, a very rude to my— I was like, well done.

That's sweet.

It was really cute though. And it was the most scenically beautiful place because you're like looking out at these like massive mountains. You would—

Bora Bora, I say it makes Hawaii look like Reno.

It's amazing.

I mean, that's how dramatically beautiful it is.

Yeah. And we were on one of the waterfalls.

They went because of you.

Oh yeah, that's true.

You recommended it.

Yeah, because that was couples retreat. Yeah, that flight is a killer though.

It'll get you.

Connection and everything. And I was at the that point 6, 7 months pregnant. I was at the very tail end of when you can fly.

Wow.

Yeah.

So it was like pretty hardcore, but it was worth it.

It's so gorgeous.

Also, if you have a medical issue there, you're best to deal with it yourself, I think.

Totally. In retrospect, I'm like, wow, that was intense.

I went into the main island in the center and got attacked by like 14 dogs and then left. We tried to go for a bike ride with Peter Serafinowicz. We just got attacked by dog after dog. We're like, let's get the hell out of here. Let's get back to the hotel.

Oh my gosh.

Isn't that also when you tried to I did.

Yeah. I didn't try, Monica. I succeeded.

No matter how many times I said, please don't try to swim that stretch. It's a lot farther than it looks.

Yeah. I'll spare you guys the whole story, but she was shooting on a big barge in the middle of the ocean, and I had taken a boat ride there. So I'm sitting there. Already, set is boring. We all know. And then if set is the size of a barge, there's like nowhere to stand or do anything. So after about an hour of watching this scene that they're out in the water, I'm like, I'm gonna I go want for a swim. to go back. And they go, oh, there'll be no more boats until we wrap. And so I am looking at an island. You've been there. I'm looking at this island and I go, yeah, I can swim that. I'm gonna swim to that island, then I'm gonna walk across the island, then swim between each island. Those are all short swims. And then I'll get— mind you, the boat ride to this barge was like 40 minutes long. They had flippers and a mask on the boat for whatever reason. So I'm like, can I have these? Yeah, great. And the moment that was the most scary was I had been swimming for like 45 minutes.

And you're solo.

I'm by myself. Yeah.

The guys on the boat were like, please don't do this. And he was like, just tell my wife I left.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just tell my wife I love her.

I love her. Past tense.

Yes.

Just tell, make sure she knows I loved her. And I'm swimming for about 45 minutes and I have that moment where it's like I come up and I stare at the island I've been swimming at and it is not any closer.

Yeah.

And then I turn around and I look at the barge and it is so fucking tiny, and now I can't decide which one's closer.

Oh God.

And I've been at this for 45 minutes. I felt myself start to have a panic attack, and then I was like, oh no, no, you could— there's no room for that right now. So I like laid on my back and floated for a while, and then I was like, okay, we gotta get to this island.

And then you went to the island.

I went to the island. And then this real story takes off, which is there were a bunch of dogs on the island.

How long was the island? How much longer?

I bet I swam for almost 2 hours. And then when I got to the island, I was so relieved to get there. I'm gonna walk across the island. I step on shore and like a pack of dogs runs out from the middle.

These are the dogs you already met earlier? What the fuck?

The whole place is riddled with stray crazy dogs, as it turns out. And so I was never able to walk on any of the islands. I had to walk in water like shoulder high because the dogs would all run out. They'd come in the water, swim around me, whatever. The whole point is when I get back to the room that night, I don't have a key. I don't have anything. I'm sunburnt. My feet are bleeding. Bloody. I knock on the door and Kristin answers and she goes, were you at the gym? Like, she's been wrapped for a while.

I've been wrapped for like 3 hours. I went to the gym. I texted other people, has anyone seen Dax? They said he came back. I was like looking for him. He shows up 3 hours after we wrapped.

His feet—

it's dark, it's pitch black. His feet are shredded from walking on the coral. He's dehydrated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, I killed 4 dogs.

I had to.

I had to.

I know you love dogs, but I had to.

Wait, Adam, what was yours?

I'll spare the details. However, rest assured it was not as romantic as it should have been. The only thing romantic about it was the speed. I proposed pretty quickly into our relationship. We got married fast, but other than that, it was very pedestrian.

Taco Bell or something?

And the thing is, you know, at the time you're like, whatever, but you're going to tell that story the rest of your life. So my advice, do it, do it not even just for the moment, but for the story that you're going to tell forever.

My parents were just like, it was a conversation.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

It was an arbitrary age.

There is something very pragmatic that I love about you. I can see that from you being like, yeah, we love each other. Like, let's just get married. Why are we going to do all this bullshit?

You know what I mean?

Like, let's just do it. Let's just fucking do the thing. You know what I mean?

There's that. And yet, and yet I do kick myself a little.

deserved a little more.

Okay.

But yes.

Would you say that you're allergic to pageantry? Is that a fair—

Certainly.

Yeah, certainly.

I have a similar hangup about pageantry.

Didn't you guys have a whole thing about Mother's Day this year and how you thought it was like dumb or something like that?

No, I'm not a big—

I'm not a big—

no.

What was the exclusive you were dying to—

No, I'm not a big Valentine's Day person.

Valentine's Day.

Yeah.

I feel like that's a lot of people. Yeah. You were—

I'm just like this State-sanctioned, like we all have to go. I said everyone's like state-sanctioned lovemaking. It's weird.

You know, we have 2 of those in Michigan. We have Valentine's Day, but we also have Sweetest Day, which is literally a holiday made up by Hallmark. And I worked with this dude when I was like 15, this older mechanic, and he had just moved there from Ohio and he was in a terrible mood at work. And I was like, Greg, what's going on? And he's like, my fucking wife won't talk to me cuz I didn't give her a Sweetest Day card yesterday. He's like, we just moved here 6 months ago. She was real. already latched onto this ridiculous thing and now I'm in fucking trouble. And the guy's day was ruined.

Totally forgot that I had that holiday in Michigan and I have never experienced that holiday since.

Never thought about it again.

Right.

What day is it?

Do we know the day?

No, I don't.

Okay. Neither.

But it's, but you know when it's coming up because—

no, oh, I was like, it's back.

It's coming up and people do things. You get, your dad gets your mom flowers. Your high school boyfriend gives you a card or a rose.

It's 2 Valentine's Days.

Yeah. The same.

the value of Valentine's for me was it hit the hardest when I was a kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah.

I loved Valentine's Day.

Oh, I know, bringing the cards to class.

Yes. That was it. 'Cause everyone had a Valentine and then you could pay a dollar to like give your crush a rose. Or make shoes. And I don't know, there was something about it that was like really sweet and like kind of like the day that you got to like tell your crush that you like them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I agree with that wholeheartedly.

Or that you got a Valentine from the guy that you were like hoping that you'd get a Valentine from, or you didn't.

Yeah, or you did for Halloween.

We had a Valentine mishap this year and it was the hardest. The most pain I've been in in a decade.

What happened?

We had a little one here.

One of his children.

Yeah, who had had a Valentine, and then that Valentine didn't really acknowledge her all day, and she had done so much.

Oh no.

And I was like, I'm gonna fucking kill this prick.

I really had to lock the doors from the outside with the key just to make sure Dax didn't knock on this little boy's door that evening.

That's sad.

Are you kidding me, my friend? Do you know what you got here on the hook? This is the number one girl in America. You're not gonna fucking—

I agree.

Bring her all the chocolate.

I mean, that is the other side of the coin is it feels so intense when you don't get it, which I had a lot too. But in retrospect, I'm like, you know what? It's kind of nice to have felt all that stuff so hard as a kid.

Yeah.

That's true.

Also what you, I realized once I was in the next time I was in class and I was eyeing up this little fucker, I was like, oh yeah, boys don't know what the hell is going on. No, no, no.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

He forgot 5th grade girls are into Beyoncé. The boys are still like, what is the thing?

And he completely forgot that it was that day.

Yeah. He didn't.

But This is how much, and we can't, you know, I don't want to say too much obviously about her, but she is so your daughter because like a week later I was like, you know, I'm really sorry that happened. She was like, oh, it's fine. He didn't mean it. She immediately understood, had an understanding that it wasn't personal.

Yeah.

That she had different expectations than him.

11 and can do that. But yeah. What's your proposal?

Mine was, I think, kind of, uh, part and parcel of who I am as a person, which is I find, I think, maybe a little bit more romance in the chaos of things, of things not working out, than— and I think— and my wife is very like, she's a public school teacher, she likes a plan, she likes knowing what's gonna happen. And I think there is something that I connect to in like the romance of chaos that she doesn't latch on to.

Interesting.

So unfortunately, again, I will echo Adam, of like, plan your shit out a little bit better. But I feel like what I had was a great plan, which was—

Get in a fender bender intentionally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the guy gets out really mad, but he has the ring.

That would actually be really—

Punches me.

There was this lake that my family grew up going to, like, when I was a kid. It was my great-grandmother's cabin, and it was built in, like, the 1850s, and it had, like, terrible plumbing and barely any electricity, and it was a few towns away from where I grew up, and we would spend all summer there. And it was like a really magical place where there was no TV and we just read books and the sun would go down and there were loons there and we would go fishing with my dad. It was a place I really loved. And she has always loved coming to Maine with me. Maine has become a really special place to her. And I was like, you know what, I'm going to propose. And we were on like this family camp week. My whole family kind of gets together for one week every summer. And I was like, I'm going to take her to the dock at that place that meant much to me. And years earlier, my dad had sold it. And I did not think about the fact that like maybe another family would be enjoying this home in the same way that my family did.

And it is like a solid 20 minutes down a dirt road in the forest to nowhere. And I looked down, having driven her 20 minutes into the fucking woods at like the top of this thing. And I was like, there are 4 cars in that driveway. There are are, like, towels and, like, little floaties to go out to the dock.

They've got a beach day planned.

I'm— yeah. Like, I'm just gonna be, like, walking into somebody's lunch plan. So I just kind of ended up stuttering at the top of a hill and being like, uh, you know, things are going great. And, uh, I forgot this is the one thing that I actually do legit. And, like, I think she sort of takes this in the way of, like, we do it the way we want to do it. Because she is, I don't think ever felt bad about this, but I forgot to get on one knee and I just did it standing up. And I do, that's the one little thing. And she has never been like, I can't believe you didn't do that. But I think like looking back, I was like, I really should have gotten on one knee.

Well, and not to pile on, but if any person should have got on one knee, it's you. I guess I'm the person who should be towering over her.

Yeah.

I could have still made that happen. She'll marry me.

I mean, will you marry me?

Yeah.

Like, and it ended up— and like, one of the best things about it was right after we got engaged, we like went back down the dirt road and we went to like this little store. We got like little sub sandwiches and we were both like sitting on the steps of this general store in this little town. And we're both like, these are the best fucking sandwiches we've ever eaten. It was the best fucking sandwich. And so like, every time we go by that general store, Annie's like, God, that was the best fucking sandwich.

Yeah.

But I will say, like, I I do kind of wish that I had like looked into it a little bit more to be like, was there anybody at that house? Because it would have been a little more beautiful right on the lake with all the shit behind it. Instead it was like, you know, dirt road and, you know, not as nice.

It wouldn't have been you, I guess.

Was the lake in view?

Huh?

Was the lake in view?

You could see it.

Okay, it was in the distance.

It was there.

It felt like there was a lake over the hill.

Yeah.

What about you guys?

Yeah.

Oh, I wonder if you two have different memories memories of it.

Wouldn't that be interesting? That would be highly likely considering how different our memories are. But I had planned the thing. There was a restaurant that we went to one time. It was the first time I said I love you to Kristen.

And it was in my ear.

Stanley's in the Valley.

Which maybe is not in— are they still slinging salads?

Yeah, I think they're slinging salads.

I think you ordered a salad from there.

I did.

Yeah, the grapefruit cashew chicken salad.

Oh my God.

And I think roughly it was going to be around some kind of anniversary. I I don't know why I was months out with it, because I had the ring forever.

You did?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I remember the jeweler announced it, that I had bought an engagement ring. That was a whole fucking ordeal, and I hadn't even proposed to you yet.

No, but that was after I saw it, wasn't it?

No, this was something I was dealing with with Marcel, which is like, this guy made an announcement that I bought you an engagement ring.

So I knew you had—

You didn't. You had no idea. As you recall, you had no idea that I was ever going to ask you to get married.

I had surrendered. Yes.

Because you told me you didn't even married.

Pageantry.

He told me why. I didn't think there would ever be an answer because I was like, I kind of like that tradition. And he said, because a piece of paper filed at a courthouse somewhere in California is not going to dictate how I treat you. It's just not. And so I'm going to treat you well and act like your partner for the rest of your life, but it has nothing to do with that piece of paper. So these are very different things we're talking about. And I was like, well, that's kind of a pretty decent point.

And so I was like—

That was way too much for me to care about it. But yeah, there was some anarchist point of view as like, I don't have to ask the state of California if we can be together and then ask them if we cannot be together.

If I can treat you like my wife.

Also, we're both children of, like, multiple divorces between the two of us. We got, like, 8 divorces between the two of us. I was like, what does this mean? This thing doesn't mean anything.

And you were doing it. So I was like, okay, well, he treats me like his wife. Like, I guess, who cares? And then it was Christmas Day.

Eve.

Eve.

Yeah. And I flew back from Detroit. I'd flown to Detroit by myself, picked up his parents and flown back to California with them. And so we had been on a plane. It was a really fast trip. I was exhausted. We got in bed.

We had a really beautiful Christmas Eve in the house.

Yeah, really beautiful Christmas Eve.

That's what happened for me, was we had had this beautiful Christmas Eve with my family. We were in bed that night, and you were kind of expressing gratitude for this little family we were making. And I I was like, oh, this is the moment I'm going to try to recreate in a month at Stanley's over a salad, but it's happening. I was like, fuck it, I'm just going to go get the ring now. Yeah, and then I went into the closet. I had it in a jacket pocket.

He was rustling in the closet, and somehow I sensed it immediately. I'm like, there's nothing else he could be doing with this amount of priority right now that would seem important. And so I just knew. And so, like, my spine started tingling, and, like, I just started, like, breathing heavy. And he came out, and—

Yeah, she was already crying by the time I got back to the bed.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, yeah.

And he got down on one knee, and he said, will you marry me? And then I started sobbing really, really hard because that was very overwhelming of something I didn't think was coming.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

For about maybe, I don't know, 45 minutes. We fall asleep. Next morning, I get up to go make And his mom comes to me in the kitchen and she goes, are you okay, buddy? I heard you crying last night. Did you guys have a fight?

She thought we got in a big Christmas Eve fight. Oh my gosh.

And I was like, no, I have—

We're married.

Just as a little post-note on that is that when I bought the engagement ring, I bought it, I went down, like one of Annie's friends took me down to the Jewel District in Chicago and I went to this place called Monique's and I like kind of talked. Monique set me up.

Shout out.

Shout out. Shout out Monique's. If she's still alive, she's 180.

Oh, wow!

We went through the whole process. I kind of described the things that she would like. She found one. It was really nice. And then we did the whole thing. I bought it. And on the way out, she said, oh, oh, if you give it— don't give this to her on a holiday, because if it doesn't work out, she could say it was a gift for that holiday.

Oh, what a—

That was her parting advice.

What a wise—

Yeah, she was just like, don't do it on Valentine's Day. Don't do it on Christmas because if it doesn't work out—

back.

Yeah, yeah, because she was like, you know, you just spent a lot of money on this, and if you want to get it back, she's going to be able to claim it was a Christmas gift.

Monique, so hardcore.

Monique was—

she seems legit. 40%, but then I'll sell it for 80 on top of that. But no, that is also maybe just for the people listening.

And to be clear, you did not do it on a holiday?

I didn't. I didn't.

Sounds like you did it on Labor Day with the amount of people that were at the lake that day.

I know.

It's a Labor Day gift.

When we get divorced, she's gonna be like, this was a Labor Day gift.

Okay. I have one question that's show related. If your partner's family absolutely hates you, whose responsibility is it to fix that? 'Cause that's kind of simmering at all times here.

Theirs, 100%.

It's the family's?

No, it's the partner.

Yeah. Oh, it's your spouse or your husband.

Wait, like if my family hated my husband, I would need to fix that. It's your issue.

Yeah, exactly.

It's your issue. You would.

Yes.

Yeah. By either setting your family straight or cutting them out. I don't know.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm with that. I feel like there's, like, a responsibility to, like, protect your spouse.

Unless you're dead wrong and they have a point. Yeah. They're protecting you.

Yeah.

But—

I guess, yeah.

Assuming you love this person and you're an adult and this is a choice.

And you know that nothing, like, that they've done is completely egregious that warrants your family hating them. I feel like it's on me to be like, Hey guys, get this together. You gotta figure this out cuz this is my person. What do you think? You don't think so?

No, I do.

Yeah.

Unless I was just thinking of the both ways of what if your partner was not aggressive, but had a lack of respect for the family, then it would sort of be, it still would still be on you to say like, hey, this is kind of how it happens in my family. I need you to bring a little bit more respect to Yeah, that's fair too.

I've found that in situations where I do feel like my partner is wrong about something, or like there's like a conflict that I kind of understand my family's point of view on it, I'll talk to him separately about my feelings about it. But with my family, I am always on his side.

You're on the same team.

So like, we talk about what I think needs to be worked on on his behalf, but in relation to them, they know I'm always going to be with him.

United front.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Well, I like that program.

I mean, in terms of character, like, that's where I've probably had a fair amount of struggle or pushback occasionally, is Noah's deference to his family, mom, et cetera, temple even, you know? Where I'm like, I hear it, but maybe he could be— Anyway. And he is. That's his struggle. That is his struggle on this show. So, it makes sense that he'd be torn. But, you know, I tend to err on the side of—

Yeah, 'cause one of the big plot points that goes over multiple episodes is your mother very much— It's her wedding. She wants to plan it. the wedding, host the wedding, pick the music. I mean, she's full on.

I guess the thing that popped into my head is I was recently reminded of when I was dating my college girlfriend, and I don't think her parents ever particularly liked me. Maybe her mom liked me a little bit, but being like a little chaos goblin at the time, I think they were like, what's going on here? Like, look at this dude.

Yeah.

And I was at their house in like November, and in front of her 8-year-old brother, I, like, accidentally revealed that Santa Claus wasn't real.

Oh!

And I have such a clear memory of that kid who was, like, playing with Legos on the floor, just looking up at his mother. And then they started covering for me. And I think there is a part of that where, like, the thing that's giving me pause in this conversation is that I'm like, I was beyond help. No one— I should have done no work to help this. And she certainly did not do do any work to help this. We just needed to, like, have me not around.

You know what I mean?

Like, so I think that that just popped into my head.

Ah, you're a sweetheart. Fuck them.

Yeah, yeah, you were right, as it turned out.

Yeah, it's an odd thing of, like, accepting the person as long as that person treats your family member well.

In this scenario, hypothetical, I'm going— I'm saying that your partner is amazing, a great person in life, and they're like, you know, and you are wise and chose wise, are in love with someone who treats you how you want to be treated. That's the baseline.

Yeah, that's not the case.

I don't know.

You would need to apologize. Like, it is on you to apologize. It wouldn't be on your partner to apologize on your behalf, I think.

But no, 100%. A lot of our college friend group has been talking recently because one of the members just passed away. And so we have all been kind of in contact recently. And I was talking to my college ex-girlfriend who was a big part of this group, and we were like sharing pictures and telling stories. And I did Oh, by the way, please apologize again to your mom. And this was both a great thing and a real bummer. She was like, oh my God, my mom is completely okay with it. She found it so funny. Like, in retrospect, it's incredibly funny. But in the other part of me was like, fuck, she still remembers.

Like, it was actually bad enough that all this time later, she still remembers. The whole thing is tricky because every family has their weird little idiosyncratic way of behaving and treating each other, and you're asking an outsider to come join in that, which is stressful. But I do think, as the partner, my instinct is first, oh, I want you to acknowledge that this is crazy, or that this pressure from your— You want that acknowledgement, like, oh yeah, this is crazy. But I do think the times you can feel most loved by your partner is when you see them, despite that, go out of their way to make everything peaceful with your family, is maybe the greatest display of love you have. Because part of you is just like, I didn't sign up for this. I picked this person. So when that happens, I think it can be one of the more special things that happens in a relationship. Like, this can't be easy what you're doing right now.

And talking about, like, you know, we were kind of talking about growth earlier, and you mentioned that thing of, like, we all play roles in our family, and even as we age, we get back together with our family. We sink back where we regress into that role. And I think one cool thing about bringing a partner into that is that sometimes they can call you on that. And then you also then have to grow and you're like, oh, fuck, I just can't keep doing this. I can't keep playing the same role. I actually have to, like— and then having a partner can enrichen—

Well, it makes sense, 'cause it's like bringing a piece of your future self into the equation to pull you forward.

Yeah, like, in a way, into your past, and it pulls you forward. I think that is cool.

And just as an objective new observer that knows you so well, it's like, oh, that's where you come from. Okay, I see that.

You know?

I'm connecting all the dots now.

I remember Tyson saying, having that talk with me after like spending some serious time with my parents and being like, I get, I get like who you are and how this is. And it's actually, you're amazing.

Yeah.

It's nice to be seen.

It's so really, it's like you made it very soon.

I love that it's just universal though, that everyone thinks their partner is the one sane member of their family. It's just kind of like standard. It's like, oh yeah, you're, you made it somehow. I don't know how. Yeah, totally. Well, you guys You guys, I would say this season's fantastic. I watched it with great rapidity as well. I just enjoyed watching your guys' stuff so much this season. It was nice to add that element to it so strongly. I think it makes it super compelling and fun to watch all over again because you guys are so spectacular.

We're dramatic this season, I would say, in a beautiful way.

The other thing we've talked about is how some of the drama that we have allows for some fun, like, enjoying each other. Like, the drama is taken care of by us so that this can be playful in places where you haven't seen the good balance. And I had so much fun watching some of them just having fun together.

Yeah. That chemistry is really off the charts.

And now, other chemistry.

I want to shout out Justine, and I think I even mentioned it to you while we were shooting, that Justine is such an incredible performer that the face of vulnerability that she has while she is playing made me, as, like, an actor and a character, want to— like, when I am saying— 'cause this is coming out after the show comes out, right? Like, while I am saying, and it is, like, the healthy thing to do of, like, I'm not in the place right now. And I think that's a very emotionally healthy and grown-up thing for Sasha to do in that moment. There were moments where I was just like, man, just make this easier on her. Just say yes. Like, because she is so— she has, like, this intense vulnerability in these moments. She's so vulnerable. and I would find myself just being like, I just want to solve this for you. Like, this is a lot. You know what I mean? Like, I just wanted to shout out Justin as a performer.

I just have to shout out Tim.

Oh, I love it.

We agreed to do this earlier.

When we were filming the kiss that we had, every time Tim and I would kiss, I'd have this freakout. Like, I would just giggle and be like, ahh! And one of the takes, I even cut us.

She called cut.

Oh, yeah.

The directors love it when actors do that.

And like, it was keeping on going and I was like, cut!

Part of it was, is that we are such close friends.

Well, this is what it was. It was that we are very, very close friends, like brother, sister. And it was confronting to have Tim present such sex appeal.

Yeah.

Like, I was like, you put me on my back foot.

Like, it would—

it actually got me like flustered. I was like, oh my God. 'Cause he comes in, like, so hot.

Yeah.

It was kind of disorienting, and I got, like, giddy and weird about it, 'cause I was like, oh my God, my, like, buddy is, like, getting all hot on me.

This is so weird.

Wow, that's so life arc.

That's wild. It was really funny, actually.

It was very funny when, like—

She was also like, why are you being so unprofessional about it?

We had tumbled out of the bed.

She's like, what is going on? Just cut.

Cut!

Help!

That's funny.

Well, yeah, Bruce is great at that.

You are really unbelievable in this season.

Aw.

You know, we've all read all of the scripts, and then even just watching the edits, I know every single moment that's about to happen. And when I was watching those episodes, my body was aching. Like, my chest was aching watching you guys.

Yeah.

And I do think it is cool, like, after all the conversations we had about season 1, that it found an organic way and earned it. to explore it that felt right, that felt like we confronted all of those things that we were talking about earlier that were character-based. You don't look at it and be like, oh, I don't like that this is happening. Or at least I hope not.

Yeah.

And then at the very, very end, there's a few scenes that are like, oh, my God. What do I want now as an audience?

I don't know what I want to happen.

Yeah.

It's like, I feel like I want both.

We were having those discussions ourselves through the whole time. Like, do we want that? Like, just, like, pontificating about who do we want everyone to end up with? And, like, why? And what would be the most satisfying? And, like, just even, like, as if this was, like, a real-life couple.

Like, what would they do? Like, what would be—

you know?

So, also, we should shout out Jackie. She's fantastic in this season.

Yeah. I mean, she's part— she's the huge reason why it works because of her track and, like, how you buy into wanting her to go on that journey.

Yeah.

She's great.

Which allows the space for that even to happen.

Yeah.

Because she's so good at going on that.

Yeah.

You guys did it again. I guess what happens in season 4? Everyone has babies?

Yeah, we're not gonna tell them the whole plot of season 4 right now. I guess we shouldn't yet.

No, I mean, I don't know. There's been some whispers, but nothing I'm gonna say.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

We'll wait for next year.

Well, you guys, I'm so happy for you. It's so hard to end up on a great show and to get to do it for years and years and years.

Should we all be to be able to do something that an audience responds to, that we enjoy putting together, that we enjoy the company of one another, even now, crossing fingers going into season 4. And now we have been doing it long enough that there are really wonderful things that have happened too. Like, I feel like the 5 of us have really always had this relationship. And now that sort of extends to the crew as well. We have now spent so much time with the crew that I feel like a lot of closeness with them. So, should we all be so lucky to have this experience? It's pretty incredible.

You're definitely lucky.

with 10 members of the crew on this season.

What happened?

In the waves.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

When we shot the mikveh scene, we were on the beach, and I don't know how it wasn't predicted.

Well, you—

Well, maybe one of you guys knows the oceans pretty well.

You guys know Adam's a merman, right?

Well, we learned that Zuma— Zuma's a big beach predator.

I think there was a discussion of doing it on a stage, and Adam was like, they'll know it's not the beach.

They'll know it's not. You can't do it on a stage.

I didn't say—

I don't know that I said that. I don't know that I said that.

You said you cannot do it in a stage.

I said Zuma's gonna be topless.

unless you can go out beyond and get everyone on a boat and go beyond the break, it's gonna be very hard to do it in waist-deep water when there's 4-foot waves.

Right. But I wish you had been at the pre-production meeting because we were getting a lot of this advice after the decisions were made. And I know you were very against the tank 'cause you didn't think— you said it wouldn't have the feel of the ocean.

I didn't say that.

Adam. I don't think so. I don't think so.

Adam.

I might have said—

It's a mistake.

Why not just do it at like Paradise Cove?

We talked about how close we were.

You know, somewhere like— there are places to do it that won't have waves, that'll be fine. I don't think I was like hard against the tank. What I was is, those are real waves.

True. I thought you were emotionally against the tank, which I thought was really funny because you are a merman and you do talk about the waves a lot.

But then—

but, but once we got out—

He does talk about the waves a lot.

I had to get in the water for this mikvah, and I had to pretend to be nude. So I'm wearing a scuba suit from here down. So I had to go out to at least where my sternum was. And I went out with, I think, 9 or 10 crew members, and we had one-for-one stunts with us, which means every person has a stunt person bracing them. And we're out there, and there's 2 angles, one directly facing me and one to the side. And the camera that's facing me could see these 8-foot waves cresting behind me.

Whoa!

and I'm trying to speak my Hebrew, and then dunk myself...

Pressure cooker.

...until the wave eventually crashes. Just before it's about to crash, all the stunt people start screaming. I get hoisted out of the air by 2 stunt women who are helping me. Every crew member has a stunt person, like, pushing them into the sand. Poor Eran, our A-camera operator, was getting pummeled by the waves. Both cameras were underwater. It was mayhem. It was so cold. We finally come in, and the director says, okay, we didn't get it. And we were all like, yes! And he was like, we're gonna need to go out again. And I was like, I don't know that we can. We're not gonna get anything better. Somebody's gonna be washed away. What ended up happening is, if you see on the show, we did get it because I figured out—

Did you not go out again?

We did. Yeah.

I watched the takes really quickly, and I saw what Hebrew phrases we did not get.

Yeah, sure.

And so I just adjusted those ones. I said, I'm gonna chop all this up in editing in my head right now. I'm gonna go out for the least amount of time possible, And Silver, our grip, Silver kept screaming every time a wave crashed, you call that a wave?

For all of us.

That was our, like, cue of the day.

When you watch the show, you'll notice the only angle they use is the side angle because the front-on angle, it was horrific to watch.

I knew the whole behind the scenes until I watched it last night, finished product. And I—

It looks amazing.

It looks amazing.

You can tell it's not a joke.

It's worth it.

There is a really good way.

You can tell it's not a joke. a tank. You were right.

I don't remember saying that. Yeah, you probably were.

I mean, listen, I guess I agree with that sentiment.

You would've, you would've known.

Here's what I think. Yeah, you did make a very good point on those thoughts.

But I don't remember saying that. My only point I really remember was, it's kind of too big out there.

Here's what I think I really remember you saying when you were talking to Jeff. People can feel the ocean.

I'm pretty sure you said that.

I'm pretty sure you said that. I also have to say, when they're on the beach after that, her face is so beautiful because she's been hit with sun.

She's been beat up.

Like, she was like burnt slash tanned. But you looked so beautiful that I'm like, if nothing else, it was worth it for that.

Well, I love all 4 of you. I love the show. It's so good. I hope everyone watches it. October 22nd it comes out, which I guess right now it's a little—

It's out.

Sweet.

It's out.

You should have watched it if you listened to this.

There's no way you watched 2 episodes. There's no way you would talk to someone a week after it came out and they just got through 2. 'Cause I blasted through the whole fucking season.

I'm on the show and I blasted through it. I think I texted all you guys to be like, I fucking stayed up so late. I had to go to bed 'cause I was working the next day. And I still was like, really do want to see how the first half of 8 came together. You know what I mean? Like, I really, I really did.

I know. I had a 4:00 AM wake-up today in New York and didn't stop me.

Oh, you watched it today?

I watched it last night.

Amazing.

It was so good.

It's fantastic. Everyone's gonna be pumped.

Yeah.

I love you guys. I'll see you next week.

See you next week.

Thank you. He is an armchair expert, but he makes mistakes all the time. Thank God Monica's here. She's gonna let him have the facts. Do you wanna start with a movie review?

I saw You Can See Everything. It's unbelievable.

This is the Elizabeth Holmes documentary by Nathan Fielder.

Nathan Fielder. And it is so shock— it's, it's like so psychologically fascinating.

Mm-hmm.

And it's also Nathan Fielder 2.0, in my opinion, in that he's not— like, there are still things that he does that are shock and awe elements, but he's not looking leaning in as hard into like, I'm so awkward. Yes, this character, ironically. Um, he seems more evolved. Man, is it so good. I mean, I cannot stop thinking about it. Everyone I know who's seen it can't stop thinking about it. Everyone's talking about it. There are spoilers, so I'm not gonna say anything.

Okay, I'm going on Friday.

Great, just stay off the internet if you can.

Okay, great. Yeah, I know He's doing nothing other than the obvious stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's making a documentary on her before she goes to prison, basically.

Exactly.

Like, the 35 days—

Per her request.

Before she goes to prison, per her request. It's kind of too— it's 3 hours.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. How'd you do with the time?

It was fine.

It was fine.

It was fine. Anthony told me he saw it last week. He saw, like, the day it came out, and he texted me and he said, you need to see this immediately. And he said, it's 3 hours, and I wanted it to be 6. 6, and I agree.

Okay.

Um, very rare.

That's quite an endorsement from you.

Yes.

You wanted it to be 6.

Like halfway through, it takes this an interesting turn. I'll, I'll say.

This is so exciting. It's been a long time since there's been a movie like this.

I know. And I tried to see it this weekend. I couldn't see it this weekend. It was compli— I was looking at all of the screenings, like in LA, Yeah. And all sold out except front rows. I almost bought a ticket for the front row. I didn't, which I'm glad.

3 hours in the front row.

I know. I'm glad I didn't have to do that. But everyone is seeing this, and it's a documentary. It reminds— it's like, God, yeah, movies can be so powerful.

Yeah.

So powerful. And it is, it is. You need to see this in the movie theater. Yeah.

What book was I reading that talked all about how, um, the day after that scary movie from my youth, the day after a nuclear holocaust. It had something crazy, like 60 million Americans watched it or something bizarre, and it completely changed Ronald Reagan's policy on nuclear armament. Like, this movie that was a made-for-TV movie changed the course of our armament. It can be persuasive.

It can. And this doesn't give you a verdict on anything, but it just— what it really does is just open up so many questions. about reality and truth and love and difficult people. Oof, man, is it good.

Oh, I can't wait.

It is so good. Yeah, I'm curious of your take. People should watch it so that we can eventually talk about it. I mean, I guess what we can say, which I think is fascinating, when we started this podcast, I think it was 2018, maybe 2019, Billy, who plays who is a main—

The husband?

Billy the husband.

Was it that long ago? I thought it was way more recent.

No, it was a long time ago.

It was?

Yes. Billy the hus— uh, Elizabeth Holmes. I don't even know if they're married, but yes, partner. They have a family. He reached out to us in a, like, kind of crazy way. I remember it was—

It felt scammy.

We thought we were being scammed, but he reached out to see if they could come on, I think, or just her.

She or they.

Or them.

Yeah.

And we were like, I don't think this is real. And then we were like, isn't she like on house arrest? Which I think she was.

Yeah. Yeah.

So we were very confused. We didn't really believe it. And then—

And then it got to a point where we were gonna perhaps schedule a Zoom with him.

Yes.

And then I, I don't know if you, this is your memory of it, but my memory is I of a sudden went, this is a zero win for me personally, because I think she's a liar, and I'm gonna have to confront her lying. And then it's gonna be an episode where for an hour and a half I confront someone's lying. And I don't think that's what Armcherrys want to hear. And I don't think that's a role anyone wants me to— they don't want me to be hard-hitting, right? Destroy someone's fake reality.

Well, yeah.

So, so he sent us a picture. I have it of him proving Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Whoa. This—

whoa.

Oh my God.

Wait.

Okay, I'm gonna read this.

Okay.

Now Rob has pulled up an email.

Oh my God. This is like a real-time investigation. Tell Dax plus Monica I appreciate their congratulations.

I don't know what we congratulated on.

But unfortunately, my patience has run thin. I am uncomfortable Zooming with an anonymous assistant on the matter. We take our privacy very seriously, and at this point, I have no idea who you are. are or why you can be trusted. We have been silent for 7 years, and sharing intimate details with you is not a risk I'm willing to take. If they are interested in speaking, they are welcome to reach out directly, but I will no longer email back and forth with you on the matter. It's going to have to require some trust on their side, which is so funny because they reached out.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, we hadn't reached out.

Best wishes, Billy. If you've seen this movie, this just gave me chills. When you see it, you're gonna be like, oh my God, I can't wait.

Um, yeah, it felt cuckoo.

It felt, it felt so unhinged, the whole process.

But he sent us a picture of him proving that it was him, and but he's holding this weird sign that is confusing. Like, all of it is, was so strange. And partly, and now I'm remembering, I think when we saw that, we were like, well, fuck this. No, if you will not talk to Emma or Rob or whoever and prove that it's you, Then we're not doing this.

Yeah.

So we didn't.

Yeah.

And it was him.

Uh-huh.

It was him.

Uh-huh.

Um, it's funny, there's the picture that he sent us proving himself. There's a poster in the background and like, you, you see that in the film. In the movie.

Mm-hmm. Oh, wow.

All to say, it's very interesting now in retrospect because it, they clearly, for a very long time since we got that.

Yeah. What, what was the date of that email, Rob?

Oh yeah.

Yeah, good question.

This was March 2023.

Oh God, you're right.

Yeah, I thought it was semi-recently.

Oh, in my head it was— okay.

Yeah, 2023.

She was— but she was convicted in 2018. Whoa, 2023.

I think I had just seen a doc about her.

There was a big doc that came out about her and a very big book that came out.

Yes.

Okay, this actually makes Because at this point, the narrative around her is very, very, very poor.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's not favorable.

Clearly, their goal was to, um—

Rebrand?

Share their side of the story, create the narrative.

Sure, sure, sure.

Um, I mean, they didn't say that to us, but now in retrospect and having seen the movie, that's what they were trying to do there. That's why they invited Nathan to do this documentary. They brought him in specifically, they even say in the movie, um, because he thinks outside the box.

Oh, that's an understatement.

Definitely. But I think they thought he—

If anyone would get them.

He would get them and he would be more endeared or like want to show a positive view. And by— and so it makes total sense to me why he reached out to come on our show.

Uh-huh.

Because we do show, we show human beings in full.

Yeah.

So even if we had her on and even if we did question her, we would have probably shown like a side that people would've liked.

Yeah. Yes.

We would've seen a human side of her, which is something I hope we do well, but something I didn't know if I wanted to do on her behalf.

Well, it just is so interesting. So I was like, whoa, we— it could have been us. Like, we could have been manipulated or not, I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, fascinating. Yeah, so fascinating. See the movie. It's—

Don't tell anyone what you saw.

I hope I hope it gets— I know they— there's like rules or whatever, but I hope it gets nominated for Best Picture. Mm.

Anywho, um, wow, I'm so excited. It's fun to be excited to see a movie.

It is. Do you have any— did you do anything this weekend that was interesting?

Well, I had some hijinks yesterday. We have 5 episodes this week, and yesterday we had off, so I was like, oh great, I have a day off. I'm gonna— I'm gonna go see a movie. Maybe I'm gonna go out to eat. Maybe I'll go to lunch with somebody, whatever. So then I'm like, okay, but let me get some editing done first. So I worked out, then I was editing, and I'm in the middle of editing and, uh, there's a knock at the door and it's Carly, my sister. And she's like, do you know where Frank is? That's our dog.

Yes.

And I'm like, no, I'm up here editing. She's like, he's nowhere in the house. And I'm like, okay. So then I go in the house, I look everywhere. In the house. Then I go, oh, he's got an AirTag. Let's get that. I get Kristen to share the AirTag with me. It's not coming up. It's not, I don't know why it's not, uh, being seen. So then I get on a dirt bike and I ride all around the neighborhood. I'm going up people's driveway. I mean, I'm snooping around everyone's place because again, to the listener who don't live in California, there's coyotes everywhere. Like it's not, a dog can't wander around that way for hours. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

And be fine.

Yeah.

So I do a very thorough sweep of our neighborhood, and then I'm like, fuck. And then I'm also thinking like, hold on a second, the gate only opened twice today— when I walked Delta to school and then when Lincoln walked to school. And I'm like, could he have gotten out then? No, he would have been following us. And same with Lincoln, he would have been fine. And then I'm like, okay, the gardeners were here mowing the lawn, you know, maybe they saw.

Okay.

So I asked the gardeners like, hey, see the white dog? This is— has nothing to do with anything other than I'm shocked at this. Antonio, my lovely, that I've known now for 15 years, he was at the old house. I said, hey, did you guys see the white dog? I text when you were mowing. And then he called me and he's like, oh, I wasn't there, but I talked to the guys. Uh, are you talking about Frank? And I'm like, I can't believe he knows our dogs. But of course. I don't know, that shocked me.

Yeah, because, you know, we didn't see Frank, we saw Whiskey.

Whiskey's name.

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

They saw Whiskey in the window.

Okay.

I was just so touched by that.

It is.

It's very touching. But I think, yeah, people feel connected when they— I don't think I'd learn the name of a dog if I mow. I'm sure if you were there all the—

Once a week.

Yeah.

At any rate, I then get in the car and now—

So he didn't see him.

And they did not see him.

Okay.

They saw Whiskey in the windows, they told me.

Right.

Okay.

And now I'm driving around every Everywhere in Los Feliz. It's not like me searching for that fricking recycling box that time.

Oh yeah.

I'm going down every single street.

Yeah.

And I'm annoying people cuz I'm driving slow and I'm slowing down at intersections. This is a whole thing. And at some point, and then meanwhile, Carly is like calling the pound, doing all those things. And after an hour of this, I go, well, look, man, there's no dead dogs anywhere. I've driven every street in the area.

Right.

I don't see any dead dogs on the road. That's good. Yeah. 2, we live in a very dog-friendly city. If he was out, someone would've definitely grabbed him and probably is now trying to find out where he belongs.

Yeah. But he's not gonna do well to being grabbed. He's not.

He doesn't make it.

He doesn't even want to make it. He's like Sean Penn or whatever. That means I make it hard for, for you guys to like me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All I'm thinking about is how on earth, when the girls get home from school, am I gonna tell them?

this.

Like, I can't even imagine how long it'd be before Lincoln was okay if Frank disappeared, right? So I'm just like living in like, oh my God, oh my God, am I gonna have to tell them this? Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. Anyways, uh, at 3 o'clock, Carly sends me a picture.

No.

Of Frank smiling.

No.

Do you know in our upstairs, at the top of the stairs, there is a medicine cabinet? There's a cat— there's a, there's a cabinet. It's like floor-to-ceiling doors, but it's very shallow. It's a built-in closet. Yeah, but it's a very shallow closet, and we just put medicine in there. Yeah. Mind you, we were in the house screaming his name forever, and he never barked. All this dog is fucking bark, but he was not barking at all.

What?

And I don't even know why Harley would—

How did he get in there?

How did he get in there? Because of course I asked the girls, like, do you remember shutting the medicine cabinet?

But how did he even get up there?

Well, he's laying on the ground.

Oh, it's the under part.

It's floor to ceiling. So he's on the ground, but in this crazy shallow closet where he has been for, I don't know, 5 Oh my God. Delta fed him. That was the last time anyone saw him, is when she fed him in the morning. He's in a fucking closet. I'm like, how long? How many days could have gone by? Everybody's going there to get medicine. There's bones in there. No.

Oh my God.

Yeah. Why wasn't he—

why he wasn't barking?

Also, can't— he could have probably come out because he could have just pushed his way out.

He does push on doors. Maybe he shut himself in there. Maybe he needed a little alone time. downtime, could get away from whiskey.

I bet it smelled like Kristen in there and he wanted to like really like, you know, soak that up.

It does smell like medicine.

Notoriously. Yeah.

Oh my God. So what a relief. But needless to say, my big day of like—

Great job Carly looked in there.

In the amount of emotional distress, duress that Carly went through. I know. And then of course Kristen, who's in New York doing press, who finds out Frank. So she— I don't even know.

Yeah.

And she can't even help. So I'm sure that's its own.

Sure. What if Kristen was like, have you checked the medicine cabinet?

I wish she had.

Wow. Well, this is a ding, ding, ding, Sim. I guess like keep an eye on your animals. There's something in the air where animals are finding themselves in weird situations because we, our friends Molly and Eric, have a They have all these tortoises. They have multiple tortoises. It's part of Eric's wacky brain.

Worth telling why.

Okay, you can.

Back when Eric was a drug addict, one of the ways his paranoia would manifest itself is he was like kind of a prepper. He was convinced there was going to be apocalypse. So he did everything one could do. He has got a shed with, I think, like, I don't know, 50,000 MRE, like rations, military rations. And then he was reading some book and it talked about how sailors in the 1700s would stop at the Galápagos and they would pick up a giant tortoise because it'd be £1,000 of meat that could live on the ship. And if they were ever shipwrecked, they could eat the tortoise. So then he decides, oh my God, I got to get tortoises.

Yeah. He was high when he made this decision.

All these decisions were made at 3:00 AM.

Yeah.

Yeah. In his outdoor office. So then he, he intended to buy— I wish he was here to tell the story. He intended We wanted to buy like a couple.

Let's call him.

Yeah, let's call him.

Hey, Monty.

Hi, buddy.

You're on the pod.

Oh boy.

We're telling the story of, of Tomato.

Ah, but we want— we thought it required, why do you even have tortoises? And I'm at the point where you read the book where the sailors would have a tortoise.

Right.

Well, I think it originates from like, I mean, I was still using drugs when I—

We made that abundantly clear.

Yeah.

Paranoid and thinking the apocalypse is coming.

Yeah.

And this guy came to me and he's like, hey, I'll sell you these Aldabra tortoises for, you know, I'll give you a good deal on if you buy 11 of them. And I thought, you know, why not? And he said, he said, that they'd start breeding. I could, I could breed them and then he'd pay me $1,000 for the babies. Oh, so I thought maybe I could have like a tortoise farm. But then I read, you know, later it turns out they don't breed until they're 30. So.

Oh, shit. Okay.

They're currently 20, so I got another 10 years.

So they were baby babies.

They were little babies.

Yeah.

And quickly, Eric, if you had to ballpark how much you've invested over the 20 years in these to eventually get $1,000 per baby, where are we at, Matt?

Yeah, I mean, it's like, I mean, they eat $1,000 worth of food a month. That's, that's been 50, you know, yeah, 20 years. So figure that out. I mean, that's, it was a disaster. And then I got, you know, somebody helped me take, take care of them. And then I had to build caves for them. You have to build these big caves and they have to be able to get in there when it rains. And they have to be able to not get wet. So then the problem was, is a couple of them died of pneumonia.

Wow.

I wasn't sure why. And then we figured out, oh, when it rains, when the power goes out, then they don't have warmth. So if it's cold down there, so I had to buy 2 of those Tesla battery wall packs to only Back up the tortoise legs. I have a love-hate relationship with these things for, you know, and there's so much responsibility because they're like beautiful creatures.

Yeah.

And, you know, you can't just, you know, half-ass own them.

So, yeah.

They're around 200 to £300.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the bigger one's like 3-something and the smallest one's probably 225 or something.

How big were they when you got them, Eric? Like, how much did they weigh as babies?

Like the size of, uh, you know, your hand.

Oh, I didn't realize they were that small.

Yeah. And now it's like we had 4 of us over here trying to move Tomato when he got found, and you couldn't even— 4 of us can't carry him. I mean, you have to like kind of move him, and then he'll crawl a little bit, and then he'll decide to go the other way, and then you have to move his head, and then he's like figured out how to go down the stairs finally. But—

Oh, okay. Yeah, tell people— can you tell people What happened?

Well, he— my— Felipe, the gardener, said one of the tortoises got stolen. And I'm like, well, you know, they're at the bottom of this hill. And I'm like, well, that'd be pretty tough for them to get stolen.

Yeah.

You know, we look— I look everywhere for it and I could not find Tomato. And so I was going to go to the police station and report him a stolen tortoise. But Molly, in her infinite wisdom, went out there and she searched and she found him. He's right next to the sauna. And every day Dax is like, he's in your backyard.

I know.

There's no way anybody took your friggin tortoise.

That's how I felt.

I was like, they would have to bring a moving truck.

I mean, right?

And so many people, like, who could lift this 300-and-something-pound tortoise and without people noticing?

Up the steepest hill in Los Angeles.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you'd have to— they'd have to carry it like half a mile. So it's like, no. Um, but, but literally, I, I spent hours looking for them in the back. The problem is their shells kind of blend in with some of the rocks.

And, uh, you even put Pee Pee on the case.

Yeah, well, I thought she'd sniff and bark. Yeah, she wasn't, you know, she's getting older, so maybe she's off her game a little bit.

Oh my God. And he, like, he had Climbed. He climbed up a ladder.

100 stairs. No, that ladder was in a picture that Molly saw, and Kristen said, oh, well, he climbed up the ladder.

No, she was joking.

No, I know she was joking.

Yeah, it was funny. But I too was like, how did he climb?

How? I mean, he got— there's another way under the deck that he got to by going up like 100 stairs, and then he got under the deck, and then if eventually got himself stuck underneath where the sauna is. And then he, like, broke out. Like, there's these metal bars that are holding up the, the deck and the electricity box. And he's so— they're so strong. I mean, there's like 4 of us trying to get him just to turn around, and he's like— it's just like a 300-pound muscle. And he fights you.

Oh.

And but yeah, but they went, you know, the sailors used to eat them to take fresh meat on the voyages. And same with the Galápagos tortoises. I mean, these are called Aldabra, but they— the sailors ate them and then they became, you know, rare. And, you know, because they can't— they don't really want to— you can't bring cows on a— I guess you could, but it's hard to bring cows on a sailing boat.

And well, also, you got to feed a cow and those things can go a year without eating, right?

Yeah, they can go a year without eating. Exactly. And, you know, we cooked one up once and made some tortoise soup.

You did?

The right spices.

I'd rather die than eat— than sustain off of tortoise meat.

And it's nice because you make it, you use their shell, you turn it upside down and you make this— you cook the stew in that.

That's the presentation.

It's a kitchen purse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. Well, the whole country is, uh, breathe a sigh of relief that tomato was found.

Thank God. It was really— yeah, it was really scary for a second. I thought it I actually thought it was super telling of the way everyone immediately reacted. So you, you, Eric, thought he was stolen. Dax thought he was dead. He's gonna say he didn't, but he did say, I think—

Well, I said you're gonna find him once you start smelling something on your property.

Yeah, Dax thought he was dead. And I thought— what did I think?

He was out for a walk.

Yeah, I was like, I think he went. Like, I think he went out and he's— but he— it's very telling of our He went shopping. Yeah, he went to the mall shopping.

I mean, Felipe's the one used to, you know, he's very capable and he is super like, like nice, honest guy. And he would— when he told me it got stolen and I went, Felipe thinks it got stolen. It must have got stolen because he never— he thinks the best about everybody. But he looked for it for hours, for him for hours too. Oh, so. And then I had to have a talk with the girls. I'm like, I'm like, little doll, we got to, you know, we got to talk because We can't have— if I— if we can't keep these tortoises safe, I mean, we've tried with the Tesla wall chargers and the armed security guards. Yeah. And you got to be so careful with the food because you can't— you got to make sure there's no like rubber band in it or those little wires, because if they eat one of those wires, they'll die. So it's like, so I'm like, we got to— I think we're going to have to give them, you know, to a zoo or something.

Oh, Eric, if it makes you feel any better, this came up because Frank was missing yesterday for 6 hours. And it turned out he was stuck in a closet.

Oh yeah.

I was like, what's happening with the animals right now? There's like maybe Mercury's in retrograde for the animals.

Yeah. I mean, we're all so obsessed with our pets. I mean, you know, we're, you know, when we're on vacation, you know, that's like half the time we're talking about what's Peachy and Pippy doing. And we have the house sitter send us pictures.

I know. It's really cute.

Yeah.

Poor Tomato.

Well, I'm so glad he was found. Oh, and just so you know, just so people know, his name wasn't Tomato until all this happened.

That's right, because to make a poster.

Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna name him and I'm gonna put some, some chalk on him or something. They're just really hard to tell apart. Yeah, they don't, they don't particularly have personalities, you know. I mean, they—

well, he does. He's a, he's a rascal.

He's a rascal. And he was actually clawing to like get out again, Felipe said the other day. So I don't know, I was thinking maybe There's 2 of them that, that they put their heads, their heads together, like they lay their heads on each other.

Yeah, snuggle.

I was, I was thinking maybe those are going to hook up and maybe they're a mating pair. And then Tomato is getting like, you know, jealous. He didn't find a mate, so maybe he was, you know—

I think he was looking for a mate.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Oh no, you need to get I need to buy some more.

Yeah.

You know, can have a partner.

Yeah. It can be cherry, cherry and tomato.

Oh yeah. Cherry tomato.

Well, we love you.

Yes, we love you. Thanks for sharing that story.

I love you guys to death. Talk soon.

Bye. God, what a man.

What a zany life he has.

I know, I know. But really, it was scary. I think I did at one point. I was like, he did what these animals do. They go to die on their own.

Oh, you thought it was like—

Like what?

The Gramp.

Like what Lola did.

Oh.

And then I did say, did you check the pool?

Oh.

Which you— they did check the pool and he wasn't in there.

I'm sure they checked their—

Yeah.

First.

Yeah. Um, all right, well, we'll end on this happy note.

Tomato's been found. Frank's been found.

Frank's been found. Um, but we have some facts. This is for Nobody Wants This episode. I hope everyone's watched by now. I'm sure you have. Great show.

Great season.

Great season. Okay, I looked up how many bodies fit in the TRL space.

Oh, great.

Okay. The original MTV Total Request Live studio in Times Square, New York City, was a famous floor-to-ceiling glass-windowed street-level space that looked out over Times Square. For 2017 revival, MTV upgraded to an 8,700-square-foot multifunctional studio that kept the original footprint while adding massive digital screens digital screens, 2 performance stages, and room for a 200-plus person audience.

That's the update.

That was updated after you guys went there.

I was there in '03.

Okay, so—

I think it was about—

In 20—