Transcript of Mom's Car: Nate Tuck

Hello, and welcome to Mom's Car. Oh, what a pleasure it is today to introduce you to Nate Tuck. Maybe if you listen to Armchair Expert, you would have heard him tell an incredible rattlesnake story on Armchair Anonymous. But Nate and I have been friends from, I don't know, virtually since I moved to LA. 30 years. We met in the Groundlings. He's just the sweetest guy. He produced the three movies that I've directed, and I call him my creative soulmate. It's not often that I get to hang out with my east coast and west coast best friend, but it was a blast. Please enjoy Nate Tuck.

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Riding with three people in a car was standard biz from 16 to 22. And then as you become an adult, you're never just cruising around, Right?

They're with your buds.

Yeah, we did so many years like this.

Yes.

It's just very nostalgic and very fun. Nate, is this the longest you've had off work in five years? This 90 minutes, you've committed to this.

I was so happy. I had a huge meeting this morning with.

He was on a meeting, Walking through the door here.

Always.

Yeah, yeah. I was on the speakerphone. Always.

Your tombstone will say he was in a meeting.

Oh, man.

He died doing what he loved. Taking a meeting.

I walked in with my phone up to my mouth. The door's open. And that's how Weekly saw me.

Yeah, no, we didn't rent a 4k. We rented a 10k.

13.5. A 13.5.

13.5. No one said 13.2.

Guys, better hold the 4 down for the next 90 minutes.

I bet everything's gonna fucking fall apart. Fold as shit in your absence.

You don't have the acceleration usually do, big guy.

Oh, yes, I do. This thing's got a lot of get up and going.

Oh, look at that, friend.

Yeah, the joke about this car is I was like, kristen, let's get you something rad. Like, let's get a fucking Escalade or something.

What'd she say?

This is her. She loves it. And I'm like, oh, Boy. But I have been driving it every day to school in the morning for years now.

And now you love it.

I fucking love it.

That's how quiet it is in here. Yeah, it is kind of nice.

No ADR necessary.

I just felt for a minute. You pulled out of your driveway and there was a car coming pretty quickly. 99.9% of the time it's no problem because you have a lot going on.

A lot of ponies under the hood.

I was a little nervous back there for a split second. I'm never nervous.

Nate had an incredible idea for. Was it your bachelor party?

Because of you. Yeah. Yeah. We went out to the desert and rode the play cars.

Yeah.

So Nate had ridden with me on the very first time I got that Class 1 car. I had never driven anything like it. And we went out and the dude who I bought it from, you know, he's like, come ride with us.

Oh, so much adrenaline.

And I had never even. He knew all about it, but I.

Well, I didn't.

But I had never even watched it. I didn't know.

Let's pretended he knew all about it.

Yeah, exactly.

I didn't know the speeds. It's hard to fathom the speeds until you're in that thing with all open air around you and zero understanding of how the car stays on floor tires.

How about his speech before we took off too? Cause we just jumped behind these dudes that have been doing this for a decade racing. And the guy's like, okay, you fucking see something scary, hammer down. It's always better to have the front end light. You're about to hit a tree, punch it. You want the front end light. And I'm like, oh, my God. So every time I'm scared to eat it. That was true. Because remember, like, we came around a corner and there was. What are they? Arroyos? The water had come through and it was a pretty good sized cliff.

It was.

And the instinct was like, oh, shit, there's a cliff.

Slow down.

But I punched it. And we went off just fine and stayed level.

But that's the thing. Most people are not going to punch.

It even if they've been told to.

Against your instincts, your survival.

Your survival instincts.

Yeah.

Yeah. That is the hurdle you have to overcome if you get into off road racing. But anyways, okay. So it was your bachelor party.

Yeah.

What is so funny is the condition of all your friends.

We're so fucked up. So we got to Springs the night before and we all drank in the bar of the Ace Hotel. Sure. And myself Included. I knew better. I knew to stay away from the margaritas. But it's like your 21st birthday. You're there, everyone's throwing drinks down your gullet.

You're old friends.

Everyone's so excited. And everyone overdoes it, as everyone always does when you're so excited to see your buddies.

Guys are eating with their shirts off.

Inside this nice restaurant with shirts off, slamming drinks.

Nice.

And so that morning, we gotta add.

Sweet Andrew Panay, who's had no experience with this. No, this is.

So who the fuck are these gorillas?

Yes. He's. None of these friends of Nate's. They all have their shirts off at dinner.

In the old days of the parties, it was who could get all their clothes off first.

Yeah, that was your great party trick. And I'm glad we grew up in an era where that wasn't sexual assault.

Right.

Dax was at a party. This is like in 96. I disappeared for about two minutes. And I came back out of my room in nothing but a weight belt. Leather weight belt.

And then start doing calisthenics.

I also start looking at things that are the problems with the house. Like bending over and seeing there's a problem with the corner here. I got some paint chipping here on the corner. And so I folded.

Bend over.

What a time to be alive. Because everyone loved it. Part of it is you have the best personality and you're not threatening at all. You're clearly a good guy. But nothing delighted people more than when you would scroll out in the middle of a party and start examining all the joists.

Squatting over to look at something on the floor, Bending over, push up some toe touches and a couple somersaults.

High kicks, Remember in Eastern Promises? And then he would just disappear back into his room and come out close. What a routine.

It was a big routine. You remember Eastern promises we cleaned? When they go to the bathhouse, they literally have a fist fight fully naked.

It's the scariest fight.

It's the scariest and funniest fight you've ever seen. Every once in a while, someone would swing around and inertia would slap their nuts against their eyes. And it's all on camera.

It's all on camera.

So that's kind of how it was. Just find the right angle.

Okay.

Back to bump springs.

So we get up in the morning and everyone is terribly hungover except for Panay and I. And they had no idea what they were getting into. And once you get in that car and they start going, everything gets real. Cause how fast are you going, Dax?

On the straightaways, 85, 90, but over like four foot. Whoops.

Is everyone taking rides with you or.

Are they driving their own car? He summons up that same group that took us out the first time and said, would you guys be willing to take all my buddies for a ride for my bachelor party? And they were so fucking nice.

Mind you, it's not sanctioned. There's no rules.

No, I know that much.

You don't sign a waiver.

Sure.

You just get in a car with guys who you are trusting.

50, 50 shot. You're surv.

And you don't know what condition they're in either.

They were drinking.

Yeah. While they were driving, there were Coors.

Lights all over the place. And I was like, all right, they want to loosen up a little bit.

Barely drinking, but.

Yeah, exactly. In the first half an hour.

Lee Kreiner. Let's give him a shout out.

Lee Kreiner.

Lee Kreiner.

By the way, when you're in the passenger seat with Lee, he will make sure that you don't go near his brake. So he's like this. He drives like this. And he's got his elbow. So he digs his elbow into your side and he goes, he goes, he goes. And so I didn't know, is he pissed off at me or is he protecting me and everyone in the car? But he's like this. But he's staring at the road the whole time.

I never rode with him, by the way. We blew right by Sunset Junction. We post up at Sunset Junction and wait for action.

Wait for an order.

When you're driving it, do you make sure that the person in the passenger seat is away from your right arm?

Who's gonna grab that brake?

That's insane to think someone would do that.

That's why it was confusing.

Yeah. And he was mad also. They were riding four in a car. Mine was just a two seater.

That's true.

So you're in with. And if you feel sick, you can't stop this thing. No one can hear anything. Cause it's so fucking loud and bouncy. Everyone's hungover and guys are fucking wiggy, yakking out the window.

Everyone's like, oh, no, no, no. That one driver finally is like, fuck this, fuck this. And he pulls over everyone.

Get your throw ups out of the way, basically. And were you and I riding together? No, no.

Oh, you had Palmer.

Oh, I did.

Okay, okay, okay, I had Palmer. So yeah, I'm in back. So when I. There's three guys Standing next to the car, everyone's booting on the side of the trail. And I'm like, dude, they enjoyed that. There's no fucking way they could have enjoyed that. Maybe retroactively. They're really stoked they had the experience.

They were shitting in their pants. I look back, my brother tells the story. My older brother was in the backseat and he said. He looked up at me and I was like this with the microphone, talked to the driver. I was like, hey, that was a big turn right there.

That was pretty awesome right there.

But only because I had so much experience with Dax before that. These guys, they're. The first time they didn't sign a waiver.

Yeah.

By the way, one of those cars bought it. They missed a turn going through the wash and they went right into a big.

I don't remember.

Pull out your friends.

But it didn't destroy the car. Obviously. I don't remember.

By the way, I was laughing, but.

Also going like that nervous laugh where you're trying not to embarrass the driver who just almost killed all you guys. Isn't that a weird instinct?

Yes. You're trying to protect him. But he just put it into a fucking tree. A tree stump.

I think that's like a deep evolutionary thing.

I think so too.

Like, the chief of the fucking tribe just embarrassed the shit out of himself. And you know, if he gets embarrassed, he's gonna start killing people or something.

When I got in that crash outside of Provo, Utah, we flipped that van. Remember that story?

Please tell Aaron.

We're driving up in college and a bunch of us get a Dodge Ram van. Those old Ram vans have single seats in the back.

Yeah.

So there's a.

Was this not the Beachcomber?

No, we're like, we're going up to Jackson Hole. Hey, let's undo the big seats, face each other so we can play cards on the way up there. Sure. Those things are really, really heavy.

The 70s, that's like a 400 pound bench seat.

Sometimes it takes me so long, but please continue. I fucking remember the.

Yes, but my point. So we're all going up there. Everyone's hammered. The driver's not and the passenger's not. But everyone in the back seat's hammered. Everyone's passed out, except for me. I had to go pee so badly, I'm hammered. I grab a Gatorade bottle and I stand up, hand on the roof, and I start peeing in the Gatorade bottle. Three quarters of the way through my pee. The back of the van Goes. And we're doing 80.

Snow, ice, or just black ice.

Oh, the back of the van goes. And he overcorrects. I'm still standing up, hands still on top. And we hit the side bank and started flipping and everything slowed down. We landed. Doo, doo, doo, doo. Those big seats. How no one got decapitated.

Yeah. Or their fucking head crushed in. Yeah.

We all landed a pile. And my first instinct, just like, what happens when someone crashes? First of all, I was naked. I was naked, so I was so confused because you hit and you're like, why am I naked?

Why are my clothes on?

My first feeling was embarrassment.

That's gratitude.

And then I was like the driver trying to make sure he was okay. Meanwhile, he's the one who fucking bought it.

Yeah, right.

Why is that?

The instinct?

I don't know. It's bad. There's something about, like, maybe you grow up and, you know, like, it's safest to not point out that dad messed up. You know, if dad gets embarrassed, it's like some really rash and illogical declarations are coming really quick.

That's it.

We're never going camping again. Some over the top defensive.

My dad lost his shit at the parking lot of Safeway on Christmas morning. Four of us, and Mom's in the front seat. He lost it. He's like, get it? And he doesn't want to swear, so he's like, you son of a bank. And we are at another driver, at another driver. We're laughing, and the guy didn't do anything. We're dying in the back. And the guy pulls up slowly rolls his window, and he goes, hey, pal, it's Christmas morning. Smile.

And we're like.

Poor dad. Dad got.

That reminds me, my dad was briefly married to this woman, Tammy, and we went up northern Michigan, I think, probably for Christmas. So it was super snowy up there. And for some reason she was driving. I don't know why. And of course, we get behind a guy and he's going too slow for my dad's liking. And he's in the passenger seat. My brother and I are in the back. And he's going, tam, go around this guy. Go around. Fuck. Just go around this guy.

Come on.

He's reaching over and honking the horn while she drives, you know, from that scene. The fuck up, right?

Oh, that's the worst.

When my brother and I are in the backseat and, you know, my father was an enormous man. And when Tammy finally pulls out on the snowy road to pass as we're going by, my dad Rolls the window, and he gets his entire body out the window.

And he goes, you stupid fucker.

And my brother and I. Something about stupid fucker. And he was flipping him off. Well, Tammy's like, dave, get in the car. Stupid, stupid fucker. The rest of the vacation. Vacation. Oh, he's just going, everything is stupid fucker. Yeah, that is fucked up.

There is something hilarious about stupid fucker.

Oh, it is.

You fucker.

Your old man never got into anything physical though, right?

No. He is so sweet. But when he loses his temper, he was always trying to hold back.

Son of a.

It's like, dad, you got fucking shit, boy. So he didn't want, I swear, so much. Cause the kids.

Sure, sure. Forget the behavior. It's the words. And then forbid. Those sounds come out during your tirade.

I think about it all the time. Because in front of my kids, I get pissed off. Try not to, but it is.

Motherfucker.

God. Motherfuck. And I will think about my dad, who tried so hard to hold back. I gotta do better.

Yeah, I got it.

I got it.

So you have the advantage of. You're probably much older than your dad was, right?

Well, that's the thing.

Think if you had fucking k in your 20s. I think about it all the time.

I didn't know who I was in my 20s.

Aaron, how old were you when you had Wade?

32.

I think of you as an older 32. Like, you had done some.

Like.

Were you an older party? I could have hung up.

I could have hung it up at that point and settled down.

Yeah, yeah. You had done plenty of stuff.

Yeah. I had nothing left to prove.

You had an active 20s, but you were ready at 32. I guess you always adapt.

But Aaron had this interesting paradox where he was not afraid of commitment. You always had animals and stuff.

Sure.

Yeah. You were not afraid.

Yeah.

Let's get some dogs and ferrets. I'll take care of them. Also, I black out and I don't come home sometimes for a couple days. But that's not gonna get in the way.

Yeah.

Now I think about that, I'm like.

What did I do?

Who handled it?

I'm afraid to go to lunch with my dogs home.

No.

You're a nervous wreck. The whole lunch.

I probably should have done that. I had nothing to do with pets.

No.

For the first half of my life.

First half. You just got your first animal, right.

Three quarters. 2010. When I met Kalimba, she had two cats.

Oh, okay.

Also, when I lived with you, I got to live with dogs. Every day. And so I got to experience the joy of that. But those are KB's dogs. Like, they're so special. They're so nice. It's all love. My dog I grew up with hated us. We grew up four kids in a row, and our dog Daisy only liked our mom.

She. Daisy hated them guys.

Hated us. You're at dinner, we're kids, and all of a sudden, like, at your toes. She's biting our toes.

I'm like, fuck.

And poor mom's like, you know, I don't know.

Daisy never bites me.

Daisy bit us all the time. She hated us. So it was no pets for a while for me.

I'm just remembering. I'm like, did my dad fight in front of me before? No.

Once.

Oh. It was at a roofer's. It was at a. Okay, hold on.

What a tough convention.

This was not where you pick a fight.

Yeah, yeah. I was very young, but it was like a builder supply function, right?

That's a bunch of stuff.

The builder supply. It was a roofing supply company. So it was all roofers that came. And my dad took. This was like one of the weekends we were with him. My little sister, she was probably 4, and I was 9, let's say. And he had his new wife or his new girlfriend at the time. Really young, good looking. This what I remember. She was pouring a can of beer all over her arm, and my dad goes, what are you doing? And she said, this guy licked my arm. And so then he's like, oh, where is he?

Which guy?

Yeah. So. So now we had to follow him around looking for him and looking for her to point him out.

How old were you?

Oh, God, like nine.

Oh, my God.

She pointed him out. He was getting into a car. This part I remember. I remember the car as a fucking Trans Am. Like, real cool fucking car.

This guy rocks. Yeah, he was.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

And he fucking jumped in his car and just started going. And my dad, he jumped in his car. Like, my dad had a wad of keys. Like a janitor's wad, right?

Yeah, yeah.

And he fucking chucked him at the windshield as he was driving by us. Crack the windshield, the guy stops. No fight happens. The guy ends up peeling out. Then the next thing I remember is my stepmom. We're in the backseat puking out the window the entire ride home. Oh.

Just. Cause he was too drunk.

So I wonder if anyone actually licked her arm.

Oh, no, I think she was starting shit.

No, for sure.

I've talked about it before where I was like, she fucking made that up. She wanted to see my dad fight because he always held back around women and children.

Men especially with men. That is scary business when you're that young.

Oh, excel.

Here we go.

Bingo.

Nice big one. So it shows you the price, huh?

All right. Yeah. It gives you an idea of what you're gonna. I saw my dad shove several guys Oakberry Akai.

There it is right there.

Oh, you see where is sitting in front of it.

All right.

But we drove around the block for that. He fought my uncle in front of me in the garage.

Whoa.

Yeah, that was terrible. Going into walls and tools. My grandpa never ever, if there was a socket set on sale, he always got it. And he would just give people socket sets when they came over. Socket sets. And WD40 was falling off the walls and they were fucking wrestling into. My dad got on top of them on the hood and they had cut their ankles. Both their ankles, both of them. They were both in shorts and fucking tennis shoes and they came in kind of bloody ankles. And then my uncle had like a cut on his head. And it was because it was in the period where my uncle who was a crack addict at the height of the.

Oh, it was a bandy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no. Somewhere for like 30-40s to late 80s. Exactly. He was president of the baker's union. And it was just a very heartbreaking decline. And he ended up going to treatment a bunch of times and he was living at my grandparents house and he was just kind of in this weird coma for a very long time. It was very trippy. Everything had been tried. And a couple different times he had gone out and like sold my grandpa's car to a dealer. And my grandpa had to call my dad, you know, some wreckage. And my dad, I don't know how decided. You know, what he needs is to.

Beat some sense into him.

He needs to get thrown around the garage. That'll snap them out of it.

Were you watching the doorway?

Yeah, they were. They were screaming and then they went out in the garage. And then I then went in the doorway and was just watching in the garage. It looked like two dogs fighting in the garage.

That's literally the definition though, right? Like, I'm gonna beat some sense into it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't imagine. Like we tried everything. We tried treatment, We've tried everything. I'm just gonna kick his ass and see if that helps.

He made that decision. That was like the thing he did. Cause maybe he's thinking like primally, it's like, hey, this might work.

You need a little fuck out of him.

Yeah.

Jerk the collar on the dog. I can't. I can't fault him. I'm sure he was desperate, but also.

At that time, I feel like that was an option.

Yeah.

It doesn't make any sense.

I know a bunch of fight stories from my dad, but.

All right, where's Yeasty Boys?

Oh, Double Banger, Double bang. I think it's on the next block. Okay, great.

Yeasty Boys. Wow.

That's the only action I saw him. But I knew all these stories. And then you do wonder how much these stories are real.

Your dad was closing sales deals over martinis at lunch in the 70s.

We were just talking about which is the worst.

That's where when you go to Morton's to close a couple.

That's what they used to do. Get the napkin, the cocktail napkin out, have a couple martinis, make a deal.

We were just talking about at Morton's. My dad would take these poor guys across the street to the bar right across the street from Avis Ford. And they'd be drinking with this charismatic guy. But he was a professional drinker. Yes. And they'd get shitfaced and they'd buy a way too expensive car. And numerous times they got T boned pulling out of Avis Ford in their brand new car that they couldn't afford. Cause they were shit faced.

All right.

Presumably they needed to buy a second car as soon as they got that shop.

I just heard somebody over here. Oh, Yeasty Boys. Oh, it's a food truck right there.

Oh, it's a fucking food truck. This is a first, by the way.

That's the way the beasties wrote them.

Have they licensed that?

There's no way that this is.

Oh yeah, that is a writing.

That's the writing. It's kind of like, I don't want to out anybody.

Yeah. I don't want to cause any lawsuits.

It's almost like Ted Seeger stealing, killing. Bob Seger is now very similar, by the way.

He should thank you because that picture is awesome of that person.

That's Aaron Dan.

That's so fucking cool. And he looks great, by the way. He must have been gorgeous.

He was so handsome. My mom was so horny for his dad.

He had a beautiful mustache.

He looked just like Sam Elliott. And he was such a rugged man. He was a marine and he was a roofer.

He must have been so strong. Cause he's so strong.

Yes. The two of them. I roofed with Them for quite a while. And yeah, the big test of A is if you can carry two bundles on your shoulders as you climb the ladder 35ft and not lose your.

Now we're on the road, we're talking about how handsome and studly your dad.

Was carrying bundles, bundles of. That was the test of a roofer. Like how many fucking bundles you could carry up the ladder.

Short lived life. Go figure.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what's funny about what you're saying is I identify. You said very casually. I roofed with them for a little while. We all. In the old days in the East, I dug trenches with my friend at his dad's electric company. There's just certain things that you did for jobs when you were really young. You just did them.

And by the way, they were very motivating to do something else.

Oh, I couldn't wait to not be there anymore. Fucking hated it.

The gift of all those jobs.

Yes.

Working at my family's H Vac company. When you're counting the clock and it's like 12:10, you have five more hours, you're going, fuck.

I think about this all the time. For H Vac guys, the height of their action is when it's 105 out and everyone's air conditioning has broke. And then they get into an attic where all the fucking equipment.

Crawl space is. Yes.

And it's 140 in there. I mean, how hot is it in there?

Yep.

Tell nane about the slaughterhouse. We got called.

Oh, dude. Doesn't even seem real.

No, it's to this day the grossest experience of my whole life.

My dad had, I don't want to say a contract with these people. He was just involved with these people that owned meatpacking companies in Detroit. He knew them all. He would put the roofs on all of the buildings and or most likely repair. All of these buildings were fucking old as all hell.

Detroit.

Everyone does not want to spend money. You know, they want to pay you in ribs. And when my dad died, I did so many repairs for these guys and fucking had to buy a deep freezer because I did take my payment in ribs. They talked me into it. Five seconds.

Of course you did. That's hysterical.

Yeah. I would watch them sawed off the an animal. Like, these guys are like, we're in the paying ribs and you're gonna watch it. Like, I didn't want to watch that.

No. I don't even see a raw. I want to.

How are they doing it?

What are they doing?

They're selling the Bandsaw, Right, the bandsaw. Yes, exactly. So Dax and I were. I don't know, it was this high school, 12th grade. Yeah.

No, you know, we were living in Dearborn.

We were like, 20 or 19.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My dad being involved with these guys, but he's a roofer. Keep in mind, I don't fucking know how this came up.

Yeah.

They decide they want a connecting building to one of theirs that has been abandoned for many, many years. Decades or something, which was an old slaughterhouse. My dad said, I'll clean this place.

Out for you, no problem.

You know, give me whatever. He must have said six years of ribs. Yeah, give me, like, you know, lots of ribs. Keep them.

And I want to keep any of the ribs I find while I'm cleaning.

You walked down into it, so you got a picture. This was a functioning slaughterhouse for decades.

Wow.

Now the whole floor is concrete. You can't see this, but it's all channels of drainage. There's nothing drained, so it's sludge. Sludge. And the sludge is animal liquid stuff.

Adding to that, there's huge forest four by four. Or maybe there are bigger traps in the cement that go down.

Oh, yeah. That you can't see.

That you can't see because the whole thing.

So the dad's like, don't walk over there.

There's four traps, and if you were to have walked in one, you would have gone over your head.

Holy. An animal sludge.

Yes.

Now there's pipes. I don't remember if these were water, gas lines, or if they were just pipes where they hung animals from. I'm guessing that's what it was. Was. But all these pipes that were kind of at your head level, and you had to, like, duck to go under them. And there was, like, skin and stuff that were hanging that would go into your mouth. Like, you're like. You would try to be dodging something, and something else would go into your.

Mouth, and you're like.

Stay tuned for more. Mom's car.

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At least the kids thought it was hilarious.

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Yeah, Somehow you start a day before I did, I feel like. Because I remember about to walk in and you're like, you have to be smoking the whole time.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You had that cigarette in your mouth.

You had that taste.

And his dad had a cigar. Yeah.

Blow it directly into your nose. Let it just go into your nose.

I love. But you're sucking the dart and you're blowing the smoke through your nose out, which is the best.

You're always sucking in. You're never exhaling.

Is anybody wearing masks?

No.

No way. I forgot for a bit.

Stay alive.

You have more than a five year old.

We did talk about when my dad died. I'm like, I wonder if that slaughterhouse.

Had something to do with it.

Yes. What did we pick up? Dude, his dad was hitting one of these huge, huge pipes that delivers all the sludge. And it looked like an H vac kind of huge pipe. And he was hitting it with a sludge hammer. Cause he had to get all that piping out of there and it fucking broke over and it covered him. Like, you can't do this on television with animal sludge.

Holy shit.

And his daddy give a fuck.

Dude.

For however long we worked in there, however many hours. And you just were taking five gallon buckets.

Oh yeah. You got rid of it with five gallon buckets. Filling the sludge. That's how we're gonna empty the building. Not with a fucking. Some kind of extraction pump.

You actually had to scoop it with a bucket.

Yeah. Five gallons at a time.

And take it up the stairs and dump it. I don't even remember where we dumped it. In the alley.

City sewer.

How bad was the smell?

How bad was the worst?

It was the gross. We would be dry heaving. Every 15 minutes you'd have a spell of dry heaving and then light a cigarette.

My dad's truck, I remember he had someone torch it. Cuz.

For real.

It stunk so bad. He was at that job for so long that he was trying to sell it. He's like, I gotta sell this truck. You cannot get the smell out. Don't buy it. And you have. They get the insurance.

That's just called taking care of business.

He had to.

Okay. So we're in there all day long and we're so disgusted. And we've said numerous times during the day we're never eating meat again. It's such a terrible idea.

Right?

And we're riding with his dad. Three in the truck. And his dad's first stop.

Oh, dude.

Was White Castle.

White Castle.

What?

And he ordered like 20 hamburgers.

And guess what he ordered to wash it down with. Who the fuck wouldn't get a Coke with that? He got a black coffee.

A black coffee and 20 burgers. Oh man. He just was driving with a bag between his legs just eating burgers. Like potato chips.

White Castle burgers.

And that almost was the most. I almost threw up.

Did you? The smell of that after. Oh.

We're like, he's a psychopath. The fact that he's gonna fucking be eating hamburgers right now. Oh, and he got covered in. Yeah.

We're like, wow, there's something in him that's not in us.

He's a. Yeah. He's made of something different than us.

Needs to make him different.

Nice move. No, it wasn't a nice move. I was supposed to get off there.

Sir.

Daisy.

I got confusing. That's okay. We'll figure it out.

By the way, I gotta say, I've been watching this map. This is quite a drive from a Silver Lake.

Oh, bud.

We've gone up to sunland. We've had 35 minute rides.

Yesterday we took something from Silver Lake to usc. Yeah.

I'm pretty much always looking at proximity as part of my order when I order this stuff.

Same. It's been illuminating. I also thought, wouldn't you assume it was people with a lot of discretionary income? Like, not the case at all, really. Every single person's ordering food. That's how it is.

That's just the way it is in la. Look at this. Is that a Cadillac right there?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

79.

What a beauty.

Yeah, That's a really nice machine.

That's a really nice.

Let's go some. Giddy up and go. And no fucking exhaust came out the back. No. I haven't seen, you know, I haven't seen a Cadillac accelerate in 30 years without looking like a diesel without it rolling cold.

Yeah, he jumped right out there.

Yeah, he did. Like a little bunny rabbit. This is half of the job, is finding these addresses.

Door.

Oh, it's behind.

Oh, there it is.

I saw it.

Wonderful. All right.

Really good.

Do you have both deliveries?

So that was two separate orders?

Yeah, that's the dream is when you can get a double whammy.

Was there any communication or did you leave it at the door?

Leave at the door. Which was such a bummer. I had a fantasy that I would be meeting a bunch of people on.

This, my first job.

Oh, I'm so glad this came out, dude. Jean Claude.

Yes. My first job in Hollywood was delivering scripts. This is 1994. The breakdown services. You get a stack of scripts, you get your clipboard and you drive around. And that is your day. And you have a Thomas Guide. So the Thomas Guide is, you know. You know, Thomas Guide, how you're finding. And in la, it's so fun because LA is just one giant grid. I would have oftentimes pretty bizarre moments at the front door. It wasn't like Uber, when you can just leave it at the door. There's always something kind of weird or odd. Anyway, so it's a Friday. I get a stack of scripts. Really trafficky day. And so I was falling behind. Now when you're doing this, you gotta keep your schedule. Cause you gotta get through your scripts, you gotta fill your clipboard, you gotta make your deliveries, you gotta get paid, you gotta get paid, you gotta get paid. And by the way, you get so stressed out. By the way, I have two stories because it's about road rage at a certain point. The road rage one is unbelievable. So I'll hold on. That one first is this one. So usually I'll peek at the script sometimes.

Cause they were delivering to like, oh, I'm delivering to Samuel L. Jackson's house. I'm delivering to so and so's house. I'm like, yeah, I'm so excited. I was so young, but I was so behind. I didn't give a fuck who was on this. I was just trying to get them off and unload them as fast as I could. It was 10pm on a Friday night. I never was that late. Chatsworth.

I know the story so well, but I don't think I knew it was 10pm it was late. Okay, that justifies a little more this story. It does.

It was so late that I was embarrassed already when I pulled up. I was like, how am I gonna navig?

Yeah.

I didn't even look at the name on the screen.

You might be waking this person up.

And also, it was Chatsworth. It's quiet. It's dark.

Yeah.

It's a gated community. I have to buzz the gate first. Walk up a long pathway to the front door. I do that. I think I even said this, like, bzz. Sorry, I'm late. Script delivery. And it buzzed. And I walked up this very quiet walkway up to the door. The door is flanked by two vertical windows. I ring the doorbell, and I kind of peek through the window, and I see something, like, pass down the hallway. Like I. Flowing rope or something. I was like, got a little nervous. And the door opens, and it's Jean Claude Van Damme. And he is in. He's in a robe.

Yeah.

It's sort of open, so his chest is showing. He's holding a cocktail that he himself like a cocktail glass. And I see over his shoulder right away a woman crosses frame. Who's also in a battle bathroom.

Oh, they're postcoital.

He's staring at me. Daggers at me.

Yeah.

And I was like, I'm so sorry.

I. I'm.

I. I'm sorry. It's so late on a Friday night. Can I please get your signature? He doesn't say a word. And I hand him my clipboard. And my clipboard is full of all the previous delivery signatures, so. All the signatures. And there's one slide.

My papers. I got to do my filing.

I did. I was such a nerd. I just had to get it done. I handed to my clipboard and my pen. He's staring at me.

And he goes.

And I go. And he's staring at me. I go, oh. I go, thank you. He goes, thank you. I go, thank you. And he goes, thank you. And I'm like, oh. I grab my clipboard I turn around, I start walking away. And he goes, thank you. He's right over my shoulder. I was exhausted, exhilarated.

I was exhilarated.

I was like, I can't believe this is happening. And then I was like, what if he roundhouses me? I literally had that thought, waiting for something to go.

Yeah. Waiting to get kicked in that head.

You know that feeling, right?

Well, you know when the dude is behind you in school and you know he's gonna shove you.

Yes.

Yeah. Just waiting for that shove.

Van Damme walks me all the way down that long pathway that I right behind me going, thank you. Oh, thank you.

That's so bonkers.

It was so bonkers.

And now in retrospect, also very consistent with him now.

I mean, for me, he was a hero back in. It was 1994.

Like, yes, bless for it. Why would you have knocked on the door and you would have looked through the window and he's doing the splits inside because he has to do like three hours, hours of splits a day.

I spent the ride home, the ride back to the station. First of all, I was laughing on the way home. I couldn't wait to show him my clipboard because it was such a mess. It was this big circle over and over again.

Yeah.

But then I was thinking about, what were they doing? He was so pissed off that I interrupted. I remember long blonde hair. I was like, this is so advanced. They're having cocktails in their robes.

Yeah.

A real night. I'm sure he planned it.

He's so rich and famous, and it.

Was still kind of early in his career, so I imagine he was. Was loving this night he had planned. He was so pissed off at me for interrupting his night. The whole drive back, I was like, God damn, this guy. I go, must be awesome to be such a star. I go, fucking having a date with his robes on and his cocktails from his cocktail bar.

Why is he so upset?

Get over it.

I hate to say I can relate. I mean, I really hate to say.

Now I can too.

I know you just want to go, like, just throw the fucking script on the ground. Sign my name. Well, you know, do you really do much have to.

It was in an envelope.

Like you were playing of crossing your T's and dotting your.

I. I was such a nerd. Like, I really wanted to get it all done. I will say this, though. Usually I'll look at the names. It was the best surprise ever for him to open the door half dressed, holding a cocktail.

Awk.

It was probably the best entrance you've ever seen. Can I just quickly tell you.

Yes, please.

What happened to me about my road rage? Because when you're delivering scripts like that at a young age, I just knew I was getting day by day, more and more road ragey. And I was young enough, a lot of testosterone pumped through the veins and I was like, you know, I got in some fights at that point. So I was like, I was like, let's go.

And.

And I had some successful ones where I was like feeling good about myself. And by the way, it's so weird because there's no such thing as a successful road rage incident.

I agree. Now.

Yeah, it's the height of traffic. It's 5pm I'm at Robertson and Olympic. Such a congested, arrested place. I am trying to take a turn left. The guy in front of me will not turn. He's gonna stick me in the intersection to red and I'm gonna be stuck.

Yeah.

I'm so pissed. I'm laying on my horn, let's go, let's go. I mean, I lost all control. And all of a sudden the guy's driver's door opens.

Oh.

And before he even sets up in.

An intersection, not even at a light.

And it's congested, people everywhere. His door open, opens. My door opens. I jump out. I'm exhilarated. I'm like, come on, like, let's go.

I go make hints, yelling in front of everybody.

There's so many people in the cars watching this. Guess who steps out? An 80 year old man. He steps out and he's like, he's like, he's like. And I was like, yes.

I was like, come on.

And I stop and I look around and everybody in the intersection is staring at me. I felt so bad.

That's like one step away from the automatic arm. Puts a wheelchair out and then he climbs into it. What do you do?

I kind of looked around. I saw everyone. I felt immediately like a villain in a story.

Yes.

Yes. And I put my hand up and I said, I'm sorry. Got emotional in my car.

I was like, who am I?

I did. I lost all control. I was like, that poor man. What did it take him to get out of here, his car and want to square up?

Yes, because you were honking so much. And he's fine.

He's like, fine, I'll do this. And I drove and I got emotional driving around and I was like, you know what? And I swear to God, I said, I go, that's it for road rage for me.

I Go.

That's it.

Really.

It was so impactful. For years after that I was like, ah, it.

God, that's great. What a correction. I certainly had some regrettable ones, but iconic contrast. It was a long road for me.

For me that was 94. I mean then once like we hit the turn of the century, all bets were off. I think I was back in the business but for many years. Think about the impact of that.

Do you remember either of you the first time you guys hung out?

I was supposed to go out with you. You were going to drive across country. I bailed at the last second and I was pretty bummed out. But then when you came back and told me the stories that happened when you were out there, I was like, oh fuck, I'm kind of glad I wasn't there. That was when you got into that massive brawl.

You went to go see David Ellen Coe?

Yes. Oh, I was supposed to go to that. And you came back and I was like, I'm fucking glad I did not go to that one. Then you came out. You came out.

I got this the first time in my life I got hit with a crowbar.

Hopefully the last time.

Dude, that was like a fucking 80s movie to come down the alley, alley.

Fight like rumble fish.

He has these cab drivers. My story is they were fucking with us really bad. We were probably terrible. We were leaving a David Ellen Co Show, 3pm and we were all blackout. But I remember what set me out was something about my ex girlfriend. She wanted to get out of the car and he went and opened the door and then I was hit in the back of this. Whatever you were in the back of the taxi. Shockingly we had gotten cabs. We were really responsible.

That was very shocking.

Maybe Brie spearheaded, I don't know some.

Of the women probably woman's responsible friend of ours.

When we got to the house and we finally got left out, me and Dean check chase these cabs and they went down this alley behind a mobile gas station. And then we ran down the alley and they parked at the end of it. But then as we were running down, there were two more cabs that weren't involved.

Oh boy.

And there's like three guys running up the alley. But then there's a fourth and fifth guy getting out of their car. Oh my God. Grabs a crowbar on the trunk of his fucking Crown Vic and I'm like, what's our play here? I had one, one successful uppercut. Like I did drop one guy and that was right about the time the guy with the crowbar hit Dean in the arm.

Dean's arm.

I remember that. Destroyed. I couldn't turn and leave Dean. I wanted to, but. So I kind of like kept going. And then the guy with the crowbars turned his attention. I mean, now Dean's running the other way. And now I turn to start running away, and as I run, crowbar hit me in the back. In the back. Yeah. I had an incredible egg on my back.

You came back and you told me that story, and I was like, oh, boy, that's a major league brawl.

Oh, you would have fit right in, though.

You came out and then I think it was the backyard of Scotty and.

I did a party together.

I'm not sure if it was your graduation party for ucla. Did you come out for his graduation party?

I don't know.

I think you were there, but I do remember. And we were partying in the backyard of mine and Scotty's place.

Sure.

I do remember partying with you there. Doing some blow. Drinky, drinky. I want to say I met you at a hotel pool that we broke into with someone's room key or something.

The Miramar you guys used to go.

To all the time.

The Miramar, Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that was because I remember, yeah. Falling in love with you immediately. Cuz you're not only so personable, you're a baseball player. You're fucking hilarious and charming.

And I had heard so many stories at that point. That's why I wanted to go out there also, because all we did was tell stories about our buddies back home. We just drank together, of course, and tell stories. And so at that point, I remember us being in the backyard of our house and we were just hugging on each other, drinking. It was just very loving. And your mom was even there. Sure, she was there.

She was used to that. Cause we worked for her.

At a certain point, she told you and I. All we were doing was hanging out and talking at the barbecue. And she's like, hey, hey, you too.

Let's go break it up a little bit.

Talk to everybody else.

That sounds like Laura. Yes. But Aaron gave you the ultimate compliment on an episode of, I think race to 270, which is, I don't know if Monica asked him. Did you ever get jealous? We were very good at being best friends. But then new people would come in and we'd have friendships with those people, and we really had a good thing. And then Aaron said, I guess the only person maybe I was jealous of was Nate. He's like, he was the Only friend of Dax's. I thought, oh, this guy might be.

Yeah, I just wanna. I wanted to come out here and be part of it. I was like, well, fuck, he has someone that good that I wanna be part of that. I don't want Nate to go away. I need to come out and be part of it.

That's interesting. I felt like all I wanted to do was be a part of what Dax was doing. He would drive across country, he'd go do a show, and he'd get to hang out with his best friends. And remember, I knew all the stories about you. I was struggling a little bit. I was, like, trying to find my way. I couldn't take four days off to go do it. And you got frustrated with me because I kept saying, no, you weren't frustrated. You were kind of disappointed.

Sure. What I wanted is for you to come to Michigan and to put on a show for you.

Yes.

We did that for Kareem one year.

And I wanted to.

And it was so fun. Get a junker car, go to the middle row.

You guys went to that some blot and just fucked up that car, the Ford's. He came back and he was telling he had a blast. And I was like. I was.

Yeah. He was a city boy who had the full country experience. Yeah.

And I was so jealous. I was like, I'd have been much better guest, Kareem. I guess I was feeling in my.

Head I'd be a much better guest. You got an incoming.

Oh, no.

Cole, wanna do one question? Sure, let's do a question. We'll see what kind of advice Nate has to offer.

Okay, Nate, this is a fun story.

Oh, this is the perfect story for Nate.

I even put your name on it.

Not really even a question.

It's not a question. It's kind of a fun story. We thought, well, we should read this with Nate.

Let's do it.

Okay. Paul Hensler. He says, I was accused of sexually harassing, putting my fingers in a fellow male coworker's butt.

Oh, sorry.

You don't have to be sorry. This is insanity. I've been thinking about it for two days.

I feel blessed to never have that accusation loving against me.

I had a coworker who worked under me who was a terrible lazy worker. I would get on him because he would always fall asleep on lawnmowers while driving. And just randomly, all the time, he felt he was untouchable. Since we work for a school district, I would report.

I can see that.

Me too. I would report all the incidents that happened to my supervisor. He started getting verbal warnings and, and then physical write ups. He never changed. In fact, got even worse with not getting the jobs done and always showing up late. I think he started to feel the heat and pressure from our bosses. So he decided to throw out some pretty off the wall allegations against me, claiming I was cussing him out all the time. I would always slap his ass and rub his shoulders constantly.

Why would you rub shoulders of a guy you hate?

The kicker though is that he claimed that I came up behind him one time and I quote, he inserted two, maybe three fingers into my bottom. None of this was true. And all of my fellow co workers backed me up in this legal investigation.

Wow.

I believe it was all in retaliation of him being a shot shitty employee and trying to get the heat off of him. After a long nine month investigation.

Jesus.

With interviews and multiple legal emails, I was found not to be at fault for any of these allegations. He was pretty much forced to resign. And now he is gone and I am free of him. So write a story.

My favorite detail is two or three.

That's the best part of the story.

That was, that was in this guy's email to hr.

I think it's wild if you make an accusation like that, that you haven't worked through the physics of all that. You have to slide your hand inside the jean, inside the back of the.

Jean and get that finger into the.

Bell all the way through the buck. Right. And you've not moved or run away.

Or you're not in a position to do that. You're not making out in the closet.

You said naked men.

That's what I'm saying. He would have to be naked on all fours, looking at something on the ground, distracted. Where you could maybe get one three fingers up an ass is gonna take some doing.

I think that first of all, when he gets down towards the asshole, when you're inside the butt cheeks, one finger goes inside the butt hole. Two are right on the edge. It's like, it's like that.

That's with a lot of lube.

Anyone's gonna feel like that's, that's three. So I understand that.

Okay.

Yeah, I've got one. My feel like three.

Let me say this about that. You know, it could also be if you're wearing sweatpants and maybe he had big fingers, you can get the hand down and back of sweatpants pretty fast.

Okay.

Without having to be in an embrace.

Then I think you would have said I was wearing sweatpants one day.

I think you're Right.

Yeah. And also probably can't wear sweatpants on the job if you work for the.

School district, but you're on a lawnmower.

He fell asleep on lawnmowers.

Oh, that feels dangerous as hell.

Well, so he maybe mowing lawn for the school district.

Yeah, that's a good job.

But you're right, there's a lot of detail that's not.

He didn't think it through. Yeah, I agree.

There's a great Sedaris story about him talking to doctors. And he said almost every doctor he's ever met has a story about someone coming in with an object in their rectum. And they all seem to have a similar excuse, which is. Oh, I can't wait to hear this. I fell down.

That's what they say.

Well, Nate, Tuck, this was so much fun, buddy.

We can just hang out, by the way. We can go to Vegas.

Yes. We go to the Chicken Ranch. It would be no different, right? I know.

Isn't it nostalgic when you sit in the back seat? Have you noticed the position?

Look at my legs spread wide.

And it feels totally natural to do it. It reminds me of when you're younger. So you're hanging out. You're also, like, leaning forward.

Leaning forward?

Yeah.

No one's belted. Zero concern for safety.

Fender bender turns into someone going right through the.

Right over the.

Torpedoing through. Well, I love you. It's so fun to be with two of my very best friends of all time in one car, baby.

Thank you. So good.