Transcript of Jennifer Aniston

Wndri Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dax Sheppard, and I'm joined by Monica Lily Padman.

Hi.

Congratulations to my little friend from down in Dulce, Georgia, goes around the bend.

Oh, nice.

She loved this show called Me and My Friends. Her number one pal's come down Jennifer Anastan.

Wow, that was pretty good.

That was not great.

I really like that, actually. Congratulations, Roni. This was a big deal A huge deal. Big full circle.

Humongous deal. Jennifer Anaston's here. And all because of you. You wrote a beautiful letter to her. Our good friend, Mellie McNeerny, passed it on to Jen, and God bless her, she read it and she said, Yeah, I'm going to come meet this girl.

I know. So nice. It was so, so nice. They say never meet your heroes, but so far it's worked out pretty well for me. Yeah.

Okay, friends, just go with it. We're the Millers, Horrible bosses. And of course, Season 4, out now on Apple TV plus The Morning Show. She also has the cuteest book out now, Cook with Clydio, a cookbook for kids. Clydio is her dog, Clyde's foreign cousin dog. Clydio video.

So cute.

It's so cute. And then on top of that, please, Madame, will you demonstrate? Yes. Do your best Vanna White right now.

Okay. So we didn't really get to talk that much about Lola V in the pod, so I wanted to give it a little time right now. She sent all of this incredible Lola V hair products, and they're really good. They're top-notch. They're really good, as you can imagine.

Could you spray some in your hair right now to demonstrate? Yeah.

I'll spray- Do a spray. The Peptide Plumping Volume Spray because I need a little volume up top.

Plumping Volume Spray. I hope that doesn't attract the wrong customer base.

It smells so good. I bet. And you want your hair to smell good because that's where the pheromones come from.

Sure. That's where men are nozzling their noses. Yeah, exactly. They're getting their nose right in there.

Does it look nice in volume? Oh, yeah, it really does.

It really picked up the volume.

Yeah, it's really nice. I mean, There's so much. She has shampoo. She has so many products, and they're all great.

Well, you want to hear something embarrassing? She sent a box. I went through it, and I saw there was doggy shampoo. She makes doggy shampoo. Oh, cute. Went to put it away where our doggy shampoo is. Guess what? We already buy this product. Our dogs already love this product. Of course you do. God, I wish you would make some teeth brushing solvent for our dogs. Lola Vee.

Lola Vee.

Lola Vee. Get some Lola Vee. Read, cook with Clydeo, and watch The Morning Show. And Please enjoy Jennifer Aniston. This episode of Armchair Expert is presented by Apple Pay. You know, holiday shopping can be a hassle, but Apple Pay makes it so much easier. Whether you're shopping online or in-store, look for the Apple Pay button or contactless symbol at checkout. No more digging for your wallet or filling out long online checkout forms. It works at millions of places, including stores, websites, and apps. This means you can spend less time at checkout and more time finding the perfect gifts. Pay Be the Apple Way. Terms apply. I'm John Robbins, and on my podcast, I sit down with incredible people to ask the very simple question, How do you cope? From confronting grief and mental health struggles to finding strength in failure. Every episode is a raw and honest exploration of what it means to be human. It's not always easy, but it's always real. Whether you're looking for inspiration, comfort, or just a reminder that you're not alone in life's messier moments, join me on How Do You Cope. Follow now wherever you get your podcasts or listen to episodes early and ad free on WNDYRI Plus.

How Do You Cope is brought to you by Audible, who make it easy to embark on a wellness journey that fits your life with thousands of audiobooks, guided meditations, and Motivational Series. Hello, I'm John Robbins, comedian and host of WNDYRI's How Do You Cope podcast. I'm also, Plot Twist, an alcoholic. I've written a book, Thirst: 12 Drinks That Change My Life, published by Penguin. Thirst is a book about alcohol. It's mystery, it's terror, it's havoc, it's strange meditations. But, John, I hear you cry. Isn't that a rather odd book to write for a sober man who, more than anything, wants to stop thinking about alcohol? Well, yes, but I had to go back to find out why the one thing I know will kill me still calls out across the night. It's the story of what alcohol did for me and what alcohol did to me. If that's of interest to you or someone you know, Thirst, 12 Drinks Change My Life is available to pre order now online and from all good bookshops.

I love you guys so much. This is so cool. Oh my God. I'm walking in with a huge beard. What's happening?

Well, this is an offering for you if you want.

We both dressed for you.

Well, you know, Tuesday.

It's taco Tuesday, so I think that allows for a lot of funny business.

Technically happy hour.

In Atlanta.

That's right.

This is in your garage.

This is in the garage. Yeah, the old thing is upstairs. So we used to be upstairs, and now we're in the garage.

I've seen this set up because you were in a different chair.

Yeah, you've probably seen upstairs. Yes, I used to be in a full Lazy Boys.

We were both in Lazy Boys. I wore this for you, but I can't go much further now. Because it's still hot. I'm a little hot. Can I take this off now? Can I take a picture? I'll put it back on for picture time. But do you want to take a quick pic now? Look at your friends are on the screen saver. Oh, you're dying friends.

Clyde and Lord Chesterfield. Come on.

Can you both of you? This is your wave to me. Oh, my goodness.

Okay, great.

Okay, Do you like Babar?

Do I like Babar?

I grew up- She likes Babar. She might not know she does, but yes, she likes Babar.

That was true.

That was my childhood book. I know. Special books.

Dr. Seuss and the Babars of the World.

Remember when?

Yeah. I saw you say that you like Babar, and I like Babar, but then I started thinking, why do I like Babar? When I think of Sheryl Silverstein- I don't know the stories of Babar, do you?

Nor do I.

I just love the image of the elephant, but I'm not sure what he did or what he was up to.

I think he was a king.

Certainly in this photo.

Because he has a big crown on.

Could you imagine if we go back and we just read- He's a predator. Yeah, it represented all of this awful shit. We were like, I didn't know what that's what it meant. It's like when you realized that Wizard of Oz had all these hidden messages. Yes.

Especially If you smoke grass and put on dark side of the moon, lean into it.

Is it a plane backwards?

I think you do a little backwards plane.

Never did that. I wanted to do that.

Okay, so one of my questions was going to be, what's your nervous level out of 10?

My nerve level right now is It's so nothing because I'm just talking with you guys. That's right. That's correct. Have you been rolling the whole time? Is that how you guys do it?

Well, we always are rolling. I hope so because that's awesome.

We have a saying here, ABR. Always be recording. Actually, you know what you say right after the hour? Just say, Okay, let's start rolling.

Exactly.

And Then the nerves will get up and then I'll be like, Oh, and then you'll say, Joke, it was done. We did it. You actually said, Coming out of anesthesia. Oh, no, no.

It's over. Or like when a kid gets a shot, you distract them. It's like, We did it.

It's over. I had a director actually once. I'm not going to remember his name. That's all right.

We don't need to. We'll keep it vague.

We would be talking and rehearsing, and then he'd go, Okay, go ahead.

And did you like that?

Took us a minute to know what he meant. Okay. Yeah. Go ahead. Oh, actually, go ahead. Oh, so start acting, right?

Go ahead and do that thing.

But he would do it not like it wasn't a big deal. He was like, Okay, go ahead. Then walk away, and then we just go ahead.

I like that because no pressure. I'm sure.

Was this person's name Clint Eastwood? Is that the name you can't think of?

It's Marty Scorsese.

Well, I do think I've heard that Hitchcock would say, have you heard this one? No. Entertain me. Oh, yes, I have heard that. Which is like, given your personnel, I would dig it. Me too. But I could also people be like, I'm not a monkey here to entertain you.

Oh, my God. I am not here to entertain you.

But I was thinking if you were nervous, I was thinking we could do some transidental meditation together. And then I was curious, how do you sit when you do your TM? And is this it?

This is pretty much it. Or if I'm in a chair or if I'm in the back of a car or if I'm on an airplane or wherever it is, the many, many, many locations that I will go into a little if I need to chill it.

I was wondering, because I have a couple of different friends that do TM as well. In one of my friends- Do you? I do. Amazing. I think you and I differ a bit on it's hard for me to embrace something like that. It's a little out there for me. Which part? It's religion adjacent, even though it's not, as I learned. But there's something metaphysical happening a little bit. There's like, spirituality. Just the notion of spirituality scares me a little bit, only because I'm afraid I'm not going to experience what everyone else is experiencing.

Which is actually all that's happening right now as we sit here and speak.

Absolutely. Correct. But TMI went into a little apprehensive, and it fucking worked the first time.

I was shocked. Can I ask you, specifically, what worked? Was it the first time you meditated it worked or the first period period that you were doing it for a while is when it worked?

The first time Lynn came over. Do you know Lynn? I had Penny. You had Penny? Yeah. Okay. But all from the David Lynch thing? Yes. Yes. Lynn came over. And again, the scary stuff is like, we've got some brass trays, there's some smoke happening. That's the stuff where I'm a little bit like...

When all of those pictures, the photo frame came out.

We're paying homage to some deities, maybe. She gave me my mantra, and I did it 20 minutes later. I was like, Oh, Lord, I just experienced a level of calmness and lack of racket. I didn't think I was capable of. Holy shit, it works. This mantra thing is real. They tell you not to tell anyone your mantra.

I know. I was going to ask this. If it goes well, will you tell us your mantra? I was.

Do you know it's really funny how they instilled it? No one's holding a gun to my head. Penny's not outside. No. She's not going to come in and go, did you just...

But I have a friend who told me his mantra.

Oh, no.

It scared me.

Is he dead?

He's passed. We lost him.

It's my test of friendship. Dax has never shared his, so we're not quite there yet, but maybe we'll get there.

It scared me, and I was like, normally I'm so, I guess maybe punk rock, but I wouldn't tell him mine. I'm wondering, what would be the price tag for you to tell someone your mantra?

Would you? Am I a rule follower? Not always. But in this case, I have chosen to commit to this practice. If that is the one rule around it, I have no problem. I I don't think anyone would pay me enough money that it actually would take for me to tell them my mantra. I don't think they'd give a shit that much to pay me a billion dollars because that's how much it'll cost.

Okay, that's the number.

Write that down.

I do think there's something magic going on that I really am afraid to ever say it. I think it's funny that I feel that way.

I do, too, because you don't come across that way to me. The truth is we're all here. This is wild that we're all here. I We're all these bodies. We're all made of what? Atoms. This is all energy, believe it or not. Then there's something that's bigger than us. The other thing that is also so crazy to me is that we are all, every human being on this entire planet, made up of the exact same shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yet we have figured out a way with these wonderful brains that we've been gifted by, I don't know, whatever that is.

Gifted and cursed.

To do what we have done. And I was driving over here and I was thinking to myself, I get sad. Yeah, me too. Yeah, of course. I get sad that there's so much...

Fake and arbitrary difference. Yes.

Where does it come from and who creates it? It's like, Hey, man, believe whatever you want to believe. And you do you. But at the end of the day, you do think we're all the same. Yes. Even if our skin is a shade, darker, darker, lighter, lighter hair. We are all made up of the exact same wonderful stuff.

And we're embarrassingly predictable, given where we come from. So it's like, we think we have this really well-sorted identity. And then you go like, well, but if you give me your zip code, I can tell you with 90% likelihood, exactly what your opinions that you've thought of really well will be. I've been trying to read between the lines as I've watched a lot of interviews with you, and maybe rightly or wrongly, I have felt like we agree on that. My biggest thing that bothers me isn't any one of my issues that I also care about. It's just like, how the fuck do we get out of this? This is just like, madness, and it's getting worse every day, and everyone's yelling louder and louder. And how do we get out?

Everything seems very poly and any thought you have, but it is, how do we get out of it? You say about the spirituality. I think the reason I lean more towards TM or that world of whatever faith is to me personally is because I'm Greek Orthodox. I was raised and I went to the Greek church on Sundays, and my Yaya had all of the pictures of the women in black that terrified me and gave me nightmares in her beads. She would talk to the wall of all these people.

It's a little morbid.

It seems it, doesn't it? But for her, it kept her going. She died at 98. Greeks are doing something right. I was christened at St. Sophia's, and they drink the holy water, which is basically mine. I vomited, and she's scooping up the vomit because it's sacred in the body of Christ is in there. That's the blood of Christ. She's old at that point already. I was in the car and I just had wine and bread at one or whatever.

I would have thought there might be a poltergeist in you. If you rejected it, you might be evil. The devil. Or a vamper. Hey, who knows?

Who knows?

Tbd.

That's all up for grounds. That's right. Life ain't over just yet.

But I want to say something really quick because I think that is the answer because we talk a lot about status here in Dax. It was the Anthropology major, so in-group, out-group comes up a lot.

Too much, you could argue.

I won't say that.

Wait, which comes up? Say it again.

In-group, out-group.

What is in-group, out-group?

Because we're very social primates and we're designed to live in a group of 100. That was our in-group. And the out-group, whatever group arrived, needed to be taken very seriously and with a lot of skepticism. It's not like you could just trust a stranger. So we have a lot of evolutionary things built in. We're really immediately good at identifying who the out-group is and identifying who the in-group is. So we have all this wiring. When you hear tribalism, tribalism is really in-group, out-group thinking. So this political thing. It's like, this is my group, and that's your group. And we're just stuck with this terrible vestigal evolution that we somehow got to figure out how to get out of in-group, out-group, because we don't live that way anymore.

But if we remember that in-group is exactly what you said, we are all one in-group.

We're all the group. Is that just not as fun? Is that just not as That's interesting. Exactly. That's why I think this spirituality or these new age or whatever you call it, superagers. What does that say up there? Trying to read that.

I read it as superagers. Because they're very distracting to people. A lot of people will be in the middle like, Well, that's when he pulled out the firearms, King surrender fool. Sorry. No, no, hold on. You were about to say someone shot you. Yeah, but what is this book I'm seeing?

But religions, they all had the judgments about who you were with. And it just felt like if religion is something that divides people based on absolutely nothing factual about the human being and their heart.

The lottery of what house you were brought home to as a baby.

Yeah, because you grew up in this home and it represented that. And that's what you learned. And so that's what you then go out and you believe. And critical thinking, free thinking isn't allowed, or it's condemned or fear of God that you're going to go to hell for something. Don't do it.

Not for me.

Not for me.

Also, you were in New York City. From what age did you... You were brought home from the hospital to Sherman Oaks.

Yes. Right around this corner from Casa Vega.

I love it. Very fun place.

I have early memories of crawling. Mine was enchiladas with cheese.

For folks who are not from here, crawling on that floor, it's not like you're on the floor the Four Seasons. It's a very active, heavily drinking salsa on the floor chips, Sitch.

It's like Times Square. Probably around the time.

That's right. Probably good for your microbiome. You got some germs in there.

You got some strong immunity.

That's right.

What age did you go to New York?

I went to New York at six years old. We went Sherman Oaks, Pennsylvania, Greece for a year, then to New York City.

Oh, and so you landed in New York City at six. You probably left Sherman Oaks four-ish.

Four-ish, four and a half.

Do you have any memories?

In Sherman Oaks? Yeah. Besides crawling on the floor of Costa Rica? Yeah. I remember the backyard. I remember my dad built a pool with his own two hands with his buddy.

An above-ground, I'm imagining. No. A real ingrown.

What? He dug a pool. A real in-ground. Well, there was someone that dug. He was doing a lot of the work. They were just back there, these guys. That was also when my dad was an out-of-work actor.

He had a little time on this.

Which leads to why we went to Greece of it all. He was a door-to-door sales. He was doing that stuff. I drove a tricycle into that pool. My brother had to save me because I didn't think- It was full of water or not? Yeah. Full of water.

We almost lost you.

You might have a fear of water for that reason. Yeah. Maybe that makes sense.

What happened in Pennsylvania. He wasn't chasing an acting role there.

No, but that's where my grandmother lived and my cousins and my aunt, my dad's sister. He left us there so he could go set us up in Athens with my aunt Mary and my cousins.

Was he going to work there?

He was going to go to medical school in Greece because he could get into medical school in Greece.

Oh, boy, there's a lot there.

Yikes. Okay, wait, wait.

Listen, he's dead. So he could have told me all of these stories.

You and I have the unique freedom to talk quite honestly about our fathers at this point. I know we sure do. I think there's a lot there. Oh, there's a lot. That feels so out of the blue to say, okay, I've been pursuing acting for, not 30 years, but if he was 30, I've been pursuing acting for 12 years. I'm going to go to Athens to become a doctor. It feels borderline insane.

Yeah.

Was he the type of-Weird swing. Dude that would get something in his head and just chase it?

I wouldn't know. Because once he really became a person that I was able to take in, he was an actor, and he was barely there. He was like, Where's John? A little bit. But when we were in Athens, he was going to school.

Okay. How far did he get in his medical training?

Not far.

We were only there a year. Did he come home and take your temperature?

No, but we would watch all those shows. I remember watching a lot of medical stuff while eating dinner. That's why I love watching some weird shit. I can watch it pretty much anything. I love a good surgery. I love to scrub up if they let me in.

Mom was getting drunk along as well, and mom also was an actor, yeah.

She was. She wasn't very good. She'd be the first person to say it. She was on Beverly Hill Billies, The Red Skelton Show, all those fun things that people will be like, What? She was a model, and then she became a mom.

Okay. When she had gotten drug to grease for her husband's medical pursuits, how was she processing that? Was she resentful at him? I would be pretty pissed, I think, if I met another actor and we're going to do this acting thing, and then I wake up in Athens and you're becoming a doctor, I might feel a little false advertising.

I don't think they had that let's go do this together. They met when she was modeling. My dad was the roommate of the photographer at the time, and he just thought she was beautiful. She was dating the guy who owned the chain, El Toritos.

She should have stuck with him, maybe.

Don't you think? Yes. She said that. She was right there all the time. She was right there all the time. Nothing I love hearing more than that. Yeah.

Oh, God, that's so tight.

If I had stayed with Mike from El Toritos, we would be on a yacht right now. But no, I followed your stupid dad to Athens so he could be an optometrist.

And look at me now. These are all stories I'm just remembering. Then she told the story. My dad tells the story about how he just walked into the El Torrijos one day or wherever they were on a date and slammed his hand down on the table and he claimed her. I don't know if he clubbed him and then dragged her out by the hair or what actually happened, but it all sounded very romantic.

Well, yes, that's right. That was the version of romance back then, claiming Correct.

I'd pay slightly more than I'd pay for your mantra to be sitting in a booth by myself at El Churrito and watch some Greek man walk in, dragging his girlfriend to confront the proprietor. Don't even think about it. She's with me now. She's mine.

It's so deep because that is the paradox, right? It is romantic at first when someone's like, I love you so much. I need you. You're mine. And then that's actually the problem. That ends up being the problem that they feel ownership.

Yes. I I think they call that narcissism. That is correct, right? If I don't have it, I have to have it. Now I have it. What do I do with it? What do I do with this toy? Because that thrill is gone. You're not thrilling anymore.

Yes. You don't validate me in the way you once did. Now, they go to New York. This is pretty mind-blowing and impressive. He was recurring on Days of Our Lives for 37 years.

Yeah. He was on that show forever. In fact, the last episode he shot, aired a week after he died. No kidding. He worked right up until that was it. That was literally a wrap on John.

When you guys got to New York, they made it another three years before they got divorced?

Yes. I was nine, so we got to New York, six.

You went to live with mom, which was very customary.

He found us an apartment, 92nd in Columbus, and $800 a month. We're in control, three bedrooms. She gave it up anyway. Oh, no. 21st floor. It was like, you could see the Hudson River all of downtown. It was like Cher's Doll house. I'm saying too many references, and people won't know anything.

Are you kidding? I was just playing with Cheres doll house.

You were at the Cheres doll in the red house. You could take the view in and out for daytime or slide in the nighttime view, and it was just twinkling lights of the Empire State Building and the East River, the Hudson River. That was our view. Anyway, she let that go. Where were we?

He set you up in the apartment. Yeah. And then he just bounced.

Opened up a restaurant while he was shooting. He was doing Love of at the time. He hadn't been on days. It was Love of Life at CBS. Then he moved uptown to be on a show called Search for Tomorrow. But before that, he met his co-star on Love of Life.

Oh, it was that scenario.

Then it was a little one of those Oopsie moments.

Was your mom outwardly saying, I hate him. What were you getting implanted with?

Parents weren't taught what I think parents are taught today, which is you be kind, you lead with kindness. Your partner, you can talk bad about them behind closed doors, not in front of your children, because that is abuse. Abuse. Abuse. Unfortunately, I do have some today that do that, but they almost just can't help themselves. It's some very strange- You have to remember, I'm talking about someone's parent.

At the end of the day, even though they're my ex, this is someone's parent. They only get one of them.

It's their parent, and they get one. Let them have their experience with them. When they grow up and leave the house and then can create their own opinion from what they've experienced personally, let them have that. Right. But up until that at some point, don't plant negativity because I'm a little impressionable brain.

But you, it sounds like, sadly, I've read a few times, you did want his attention.

Yeah, I would have given anything. I'm not going to cry. I actually just need to take water.

You're allowed.

You're not allowed to cry. I'm over it. Okay.

I'm so over it, guys. No, I truly am.

But don't you think there are many things I'm like, Oh, I'm totally over that. I tell that story all the time, and then I tell it to a therapist. And then all of a sudden, I feel, I guess, safe enough to allow the emotions to come in. And I go, Oh, wow, this is confusing. I was certain this had no power. And here I am quite emotional about this, and this is a shocker.

And it lived right there. Yeah. It wasn't even far. The question is asked, and then you're like, What?

And literally, when they talk about those spies that can walk up to somebody and just go like that to the neck, and then the person collapses, it's the same thing. Isn't it exhausting? There are some things we'll just It is exhausting, but it shows you we're a constant work in progress.

We are constantly, no matter what was imprinted into our neural pathways as children, they're there and we can think we've worked on them. But just as we experience life, new moments here and there and new people here and there, someone is going to come in and hit a little something somewhere that you go, Whoa, that just made me think of that.

Yeah, that's here now.

And that, I guess, is still to be looked at. And how wonderful that we that we have therapy and that we have people that we talk to or friendship group that we can bounce that stuff off so that we don't flip out. I don't know about your parents or your parents. How old are your parents?

My parents are...

49 and 48.

Nope, they are not. They are 63 and 70.

63 and 70? It's a different generation.

I'll let you guess who's what. Wouldn't it be cool if it was reversed? No, it's the normal way. The normal.

They weren't taught how to process emotions.

They're also from India. Oh, yeah. Mine are also from India.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's another layer on top of zero emotions. Born in India. Yes, both born in India. Were you born in India? No, I was born here. I was born in Georgia.

No, in this garage.

I was born right here. This is where I came to be. This is where I came to be.

She's never left. Look at you now.

I know. They're Indian and emotions are not to be touched. Ever.

Ever. How do they feel now?

No emotions has really cost them some stuff. I think they've come around, but it's still like we've talked about it a lot. Dax will be You need to tell your dad you love him. I'm like, I can't. He'll freak out.

He'll think I'm dying.

He will freak out. I don't want to kill him. Yes. I called them this weekend about something emotional, and I can see the panic starting to happen. I was like, Dad, this is why I can't tell you things. Because now I'm trying to protect you from your emotions, and that can't be what's happening here.

I have totally surrendered. It is true. I'll go like, Your dad wants to hear you love him. Everyone wants to hear I'm wrong. She's right.

Are you right?

I'm witnessing it.

You are right. I'm right.

I surprised her one time. We were doing a live show in Chicago, and I secretly called them and I said, Can I please bring you to this live show so you can see your little girl and how much people love her?

See, now that's going to make me I can't even say that.

It was really... I think of me getting to go see my little girl. It's a surprise, and then I'm like, I can't tell her. If she finds out they're there, she'll recognize how much is happening, and she'll start getting very worried about them just witnessing her be loved on that level.

They did say they were proud of me. That's the first time I've ever heard it.

It was so cute. Her dad was like, Everyone knows her. He just really thought it was so funny people wanted to get her a picture and stuff.

It was pretty great. Had he even seen that before? That was probably overwhelming. They were overwhelmed. For them.

They were very overwhelmed in a good way because all they want is safety for me. They don't care about any of this stuff. I'm sure I'll get to that with you. But all you want is your kid to be safe. And then all this other stuff, it's proof that I am. I'm good on my own.

These 5,000 people agree she's safe.

Yeah, they were relieved for the first time. That was a gift. That's a huge gift.

How long ago was that?

Five years ago. Five years ago, probably. They said, your mom and I are proud of you.

Do not take offense of this. No. When I've met you, I don't go like child of New York City. How immersed were you in the quite eclectic in colorful world that was Manhattan in the late '70s and '80s. Were you partaking in the... We just interviewed Mark Ronson. Yes.

He feels very New York. Yes.

Or even the incredible director, Jordan- Peel?

Peel. Jordan Peel? Yes.

Love him. He's on a block that's quite scary. He's got to walk to school, and it informs then the rest of the ride.

That's where I was.

What was your childhood like being in New York City?

Well, we lived in this building on 92nd in Columbus, but the block between Columbus and Amsterdam and then Amsterdam, Broadway, that was all abandoned buildings. I was on a bus by myself at 11. Yeah, exactly. Can you imagine? By yourself, throw your key in your sneaker and see a mom.

In a much different New York.

Much different New York, especially up there. It started to become Preppyville and Upper West Side and all that stuff. But no, not when I lived there at all. You'd have to go around the block. There's a sniper in one of the buildings, one of the abandoned buildings. It was all just normal. As I got older, I was mugged. I was mugged a couple of times. Like Ross.

What did you say? It says like Ross.

Like Ross.

It was mugged by Phoebe.

Oh, like Phoebe.

Oh, it's big.

Never forget.

Never forget. Terrifying Phoebe. Yeah.

No Phibs.

Did you have a lot of fear, or did you quickly acclimate.

I hardly didn't feel fear. I worked at Jackson Hole at 85th in Columbus, and then I'd walk home at midnight. It's not a lot, but it's still from 85th in Columbus to 92nd in Columbus at midnight.

What was your You loved Duran Duran. Were you in a new wave? Did you dance?

I dance. Me and Dre, my best friend, who also has a podcast called Circle This.

Shut out Circle This. Go listen to it now. Pause this. Listen to that. Come back.

Is she still your best friend?

Still my best friend to this day. 14 and 15, when we met, we would go to Danceteria. We'd go to the Limelight. The Palladium was where we really liked to go. And not a lot. We didn't drink, we didn't smoke. I mean, we might have smoked. But no drugs or anything. We just would get dressed up and the amount of aquanet in our hair.

Yeah, extra firm hold, the pink cam.

The blue pink, it was like you throw it all in.

I would get the 26oz, like the big boy where you'd be wrestling that fucker. Yeah.

And your eyelashes would have to be like, high open. This is so crazy. Dance on those boxes that were surrounding the dance floor.

Oh, good. So you were devouring the city as much as you can at that age.

And we could.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, If You Dare. This message is brought to you by Apple Pay.

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I do know that. How's it going? That maple one you were telling me about sounded pretty insane.

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Oh, God. I just watched the Charlie Sheen doc last night. Me too. I love it. Oh, my God. It's so fun. And you just go, Well, wow.

Yeah. All of them.

George Clooney?

Yes. He's in those little videos.

He's in those videos. Sean Pan. And Nicolas Cage.

Yes, to find out they were best friends was a real revelation to me.

That little friend group and Laura Dern, who was in everything then and she's in everything now. It's just wild.

It feels impossible that they were all this little ragtag group. It's sweet. When Sean Penn says, I can't believe he said this on camera. It's my favorite thing I've heard. Which one? I'm trying to know it. He goes, When people do, men do cocaine copious amounts, they have heightened sexual desires while diminished sexual competency. I'm like, Why? You said coke dick in the most elegant way I've ever heard someone describe coke dick. That's so interesting and makes so much sense.

Yeah. Yes.

Hiding desire while you have no competency. What a purgatory.

Wow.

And yet they keep doing it over and over. In all sincerity, the moment that I realized, oh, we have a real problem, was I was at a bar and I was talking to a very attractive girl and things were going very well. And I was like, I'm going to get an eight ball. And I was like, if I get an eight ball, I'm not going to be pursuing this anymore. I'm going to get an eight ball.

So did you weigh it out for a second?

I had this snap moment of clarity of like, wow, you're choosing this thing over a girl, which for me, girl was everything.

You really liked this particular girl you were speaking to.

You were very attractive. It was very fun. It was going very well. This is going to be so fun. Normally, that's the funnest thing in the world. I'm like, wow, we've elevated something above this thing that I previously thought was the most attractive thing we could do.

But that was more attractive and prettier.

Yeah. Yeah, you were choosing between two drugs.

Yes. My first drug, then my second.

Torn between Two Lovers.

That's right.

Two Lovers.

That's right. Okay, so then you went to LaGuardia High School of Performing Arts, which is the Fame School. Yeah. And Fame was on TV when we were kids.

Yeah. Well, I saw the movie when I was a kid.

I'm sorry. Was it a movie?

Then it became a TV show. Okay. Oh, you have to see the movie. Am I right? Alan Parker was the director. It is so magnificent. All due respect to the television show. You'll go, What was that? I mean, the cinematography, the characters, the acting.

What I do? I know. I wondered, too, but it was also looking cute.

It's very cute, but I just want to be protective.

I know. Yeah, her hair is good.

Yeah, she's known for her hair.

You know what? I had a whole bag of Lola V for you both, and I walked out of the house without it. So this will be coming to you. I have hair paste for you, a shampooing condition for Kristin, too, and then shampoos, everything. I can't wait.

I have a bottle of Aquanet for you.

Hello. What? Aquanet for me?

Super extra firm hold. Okay.

Not animal-tested. No.

No. Exclusively animal-tested. I think even orphan-tested, maybe. They might have been a little chill, probably. I think they went above.

They might have just said, Screw it, let's hit the kids.

Okay, so was it hard to get into that school?

I was a very last minute get into that school because, oh, God, I was such a bad student. I'm going to say things. Really? They embarrassed me forever. I was a terrible student.

We have this in common. You're dyslexic, right? Yes. Me, too. Frustrating. I thought I was the dumbest person alive.

If only someone thought to take this young kid who struggles to take him to get tested, they didn't have it then, I don't think. No.

What I immediately thought when I learned you were dyslexic is you don't have the same chip on your on your shoulder. I do. I've observed you don't have the same chip on your shoulder.

What does it look like?

My chip is like, I'm a know it all. Everyone thinks I'm dumb. I got to prove I'm smart all the time. And it's exhausting for- Oh, yeah, I don't have that. You don't have that at all. I think that's interesting.

I just know what I know and I know what I don't know. There was a period, though, where I was mortified to walk into a room or be at a party. I would just think, I don't know. I don't know how to carry on a conversation. And the truth is the best thing to do is just ask questions. What does that mean? Explain that to me.

Knowing what you don't know is the smartest person in the room, the person who knows what they don't know.

Listen, textbook smart, street smart. I could say I'm expert street smart. My EQ versus my IQ. Exactly. So we're doing pretty good.

But when they start writing on the chalkboard and you knew there would be questions that would follow that. If it wasn't auditory, if they weren't telling me something, they were just writing on that chalkboard, I was like, oh, man, I hope to God they don't ask me what just happened. I don't know what the fuck is happening on that chalkboard. It's like hieroglyphics.

I was doodling. Sure. I was writing little scenes, sketches that we were going to act out at recess. Or I'd write a note to somebody, and then I would just get real good laughs, and I'd be like, Awesome. And then I'd be like, What? I'm sorry. In the hall. Oh, shoot. Bummer. Yes. In the hallway. I'd stand there for the rest of the class. I was just constantly maneuvering my way. I went to performing art. This sounds terrible. I wanted to be an actor, obviously, because that's all I thought I could do. This could sound awful, between grade 9 and 10, and we were given four books to read, and I was like, I'm never going to read these books. I got to get another school.

Oh.

This is not going to happen. I got to change locations.

You saw those four books. It's like, I've just been kicked out of this school, basically.

I was like, All right, so where are we going? Because that's not going to happen. This is absolutely not going to happen. These books are not going to get read, and I don't have any way to figure out a way around that. Can't go stand in the hallway around that.

There's no audiobooks back then. No. So, yeah.

Do you love audiobooks?

I do love audiobooks, but I used to drift and have to rewind. That's part of my dyslexia, though, too, where you'd be reading, and then I'd go, Oh, I just read a whole page and I don't know what I read because I'm not comprehending anything. And then my mind would wander.

Do you think you might have a little ADHD? I think I might. Yeah. I don't think that about you, but I know my wife is really coming to terms with the fact. Once I hear those symptoms and how they express in women.

Especially today, we have so many things that can distract us at once.

Look at this room. A lot of stimuli.

I don't know if you can see who is behind you guys.

They're just taunting you.

There's like some weird award I can't see clearly up there. It looks like an amoeba.

If I have to read these books, I'm out of here.

No, you're going to tell me that the only way that we can be on this podcast is to read these books. You also look like Chris Cornell in that Weedies box for some reason. From where I'm sitting.

I'm feeling a little intimidated as well about the books now. They always looked nice. Do you audition to get into things?

Yes, it was like late audition for last minute. I don't know why. I can't honestly remember.

Yeah, you just woke up there one day.

I just woke up one day. I learned two monologs. I auditioned, and then I came back, and then next thing you know, I was accepted.

I'm sure you had concocted a pretty good fantasy and expectations about what the experience was going to be like, and did it live up to that?

No.

Okay, great.

Well, it moved buildings. It wasn't in the old building on 46th Street, which was half of this charm. It was this big block building.

A soulless building.

It was just thousands of kids. It was huge. The charm was in there, but the theater teachers were still there. They were also in the movie. Oh, that's cool. A couple of them, Mrs. Shine, Mr. Moody.

Did they appreciate you? Because the previous teachers were putting you in the hallway. Did it feel like at least you were appreciated there?

I was appreciated, except from one teacher, Marat Yussim, who was one of our acting teachers who said I was a disgrace to the theater. Okay.

All right. A little early to make that- Were you?

I probably was. I think I might have been pretty disgraceful. Sure. I was doing checkoff and people were laughing.

Trying to look for the laughs. Always.

Yeah, of course. Always.

Okay, so you make it out of there. You come to LA. You're probably 18.

To LA, 19.

19. 1990. No, I'm 20. You're 20 years old.

Because I do three years of waitressing in college.

And you telemarketed, which is great.

I telemarketed when I first moved here. I worked at a Jackson Hole. It was run by the wonderful Greek family. I got an off-Broadway show for two months. They'd let me do it, then I'd come back.

Oh, that's nice. You arrived here. You had a couple of pilots really quick. You guest-starred a few times. Quantum's Leap, that's exciting. That's not the name. Quantum Leap. It's not plural.

Berkslaw.

Berkslaw? Berkslaw? Yeah, you did that. There's a third one in there.

There's a couple. I did Malloy. I did Farris Buhler's Day Off.

The spinoff TV show.

The television show version. Yeah.

Speaking of Fame and the spinoff.

So we're keeping a theme.

Now, my question there was, when I came here and I got on TV, no matter what it was, it was so exciting because I was the first shepherd to ever be on TV. And I wondered, how does having two parents that had pursued it, one of them is on TV, how did it impact your excitement about getting on these shows?

Their having been in the business? Yeah.

Were you thinking, Oh, this isn't good enough or it should be better? Or was there already a bar?

Well, the bar was just work. My dad was telling me, Please don't do this. You're just going to suffer rejection.

You're going to be learning science in Athens.

Yeah, you're going to end up in Greece anyway. Just go get a real job, all the cliché things.

That's so shitty. You would think at least two actors would be supportive, but no.

Although I think some actors today are like, Oh, please don't. I hate that. Whatever drives you, if you find in something and you love it, go do it.

Back to safety, though. Your parents generally want safety for the children, and it's not safe. It is not a safe profession as far as- It's a high risk. It's a high risk. It's a high risk. It's a high risk. Mentally fair. I get it. Yeah, emotionally.

That means let's talk about Charlie Sheen. Exactly. Although he wasn't a kid actor. How old was he? I guess he was.

He was 20 when Platoon won best pitcher.

But it wasn't like Bateman on Little House.

That's true. But he had made... That was surprising to me, and I admired it. They had made a cotrillion movies, these kids, Charlie Sheen and his buddies. They really did. With special effects. With special effects. Yeah. You could go like, Oh, Netbo Baby, blah, blah, blah. But it's like, No, these people have been practicing and were passionate about this since they were little kids.

That Netbo Baby thing.

It's annoying. Well, you know why?

Because here's the deal. I mean, look at all the law firms, Blanky Blank Blanky and Blanky Blank. I mean, all right, isn't that a version of it? It's all a family. Okay, so maybe you got into a because you're so and so's kid. But if you suck, guess what?

Exactly.

You're not going to continue to do it.

They don't give a fuck after one or two. No. But you might get one or two. My point is what you're underestimating is you're only focusing on that you've inherited someone else's status. I get it. I would object to that. That's not fair to everyone else. But what they're not thinking about is our children have been to sets many times. My kids understand about lenses. I was walking with my daughter when she was six. She made a joke. I laughed. A minute later, she made the same joke. I didn't laugh. And she said out loud at six years old, I went back to the well too much. And I'm like, yeah, that's the house she grows up. And she has a knowledge of this industry that I had about the automotive industry with automotive parents. She knows a lot fucking more, and she'll show up knowing a lot more when she's competing with other kids. Now, is that because the door was open for her? She has the skillset already.

She was privy to have the education. Yes.

Growing up in Detroit, the commercial was on non-sup. It was, Father and son, we build a mall. No one's mad. Yeah, that kid was probably 10 carrying bricks and helping the dad build houses, and now they got Father and Son Construction Company. Yeah. Okay, I'm only going to ask you a single question about friends.

That's it.

I I can't guarantee that.

Yes, I make no promises, and nor would I want to because this is her Sopranos. My thing I found really interesting when I was reading about all this, and I just have such a crush on them, I want to bring them up, but you were feeling like you might want to throw in the towel. You were doing pilot after pilot and they weren't working. Then you ran into Warren Littlefield at a gas station. Is this apocryphal or real?

Oh, God, that is true. Yes, because I had gone to the final stage, go to network, and then I think I definitely said something to him at a gas station. It was on Crescent and Sunset Boulevard and Crescentites. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what did you say? I might have given him a headshot or I said something like, Please cast me, please. I don't love it. At another time, I said, Will you please give me a washer and dryer? And he wrote that down on a napkin.

But as part of your negotiation?

I just kept hearing that all these actors were getting cars and getting these things once they got hired and friends had happened. And we were, I don't know, at the upfronts for something.

And I said- You wanted a congratulatory washer dryer.

I was like, What are all these actors? Why do they get these treats for shows and stuff? And I said, Treats?

Actor treats.

Actor treats. He's elaborate. These very expensive gifts. He was like, Well, what do you want? And I was like, Really? And he's like, Yeah. And I couldn't think of anything. And I was like, I need a washer and a dryer.

No kidding. And did he deliver? Yeah. Oh, really? I lied. There were actually two I wrote down. The other one was, I had no idea until yesterday that you had been offered SNL. That would have been impossible for me to turn down.

Well, I thought I was such hot shit. The story of that is all very confusing. Honestly, today, I'd have to ask Lauren because I remember I was in New York City, and I had a meeting with Lauren Michiels, and I ran into Sandler and Spade in the room right outside, and I knew Sandler forever.

You knew him pretty friends? Yes.

Oh, wow. Because he was very good friends with Charlie Schlaeter, who played Farris Buhler in the television version of Farris Buhler's Day Off.

Wow, you guys go so far back.

We met at Jerry's Deli in 2012.

Just before the Spanish flu. Just before. Right before.

I don't know why I had this self-righteous attitude of like, I don't know if women are treated the way they should be treated on this show. It's a very male dominated. I would love to be here if it was in the Gilder Radner day. I mean, this is the brain that semi-remembers things that are back that far. Yes. Something like that. I can't remember, but I just remember Friends Then happened, and then that's where I went.

You really fucked up. You chose wrong.

You think so?

Oh, my God. Yes.

Well, shit. People say, Regrets? I had that.

I could be interviewing you and I could be going, So you turned down friends for us? Oh my God. And people would be like, Oh, no.

That would be the saddest story of all time.

It all works out. It works out. Ultimately, everything is meant to be.

Do you think that in the middle, when something is bad currently, are you like, It's going to work out? Are you positive that way?

You have to be. It's hard. It's hard. But you have to then consciously turn towards what's positive. I feel like a broken record. We're not designed to take in this much information. No. It's too much. Our brains, we're not designed that way. There's way too much information from all over the world within a blip of a second, every single bit of information. No wonder mental illness is through the roof and anxiety. It's a different time.

I totally agree. Back to when we lived with 100 other people our entire life. Sure. You probably would never even hear about a murder your whole existence. Or maybe there'd be one. And you can hear about hundreds of murders a day. There might be one natural disaster in your lifetime. Here, you'll hear about all of them. You're so right. We don't have the capacity for it. We don't. No, we think we do. We have this arrogance. Like, I don't know, I can handle all this. I can watch news all fucking day long and not be affected. I don't think that's true.

I would rather live in the ignorance as bliss. I understand that. I need moments of that.

Okay. I know you have friends thoughts, so I want to hear that.

I don't have friends questions, really. I'm just grateful for it. That's it.

Here's what I wanted to connect the dots on.

Yeah.

So you didn't have a VCR, and you were obsessed with Laverne and Shirley, and you used to record audio tapes on cassette tape of the episodes and then listen to just the audio. And I was like, if I've ever heard a Monica Padman thing in my fucking life.

We have some real crossover. I VHS-taped every episode of Friends. This is before the DVDs. And I had a whole color-coded system. You did? Yeah. Where each season was a color, and I would write the episode on the tape in the right color. Then there was these pictures with the number of the tape, and I had 32 tapes. You No, the finale was the day before an AP exam, and fuck the AP exam. Oh, no. What did you do? It was so horrible because I had to watch. You guys were on something after, Lena, maybe, and then Oprah the next day.

Oprah, Lena, I don't remember.

I had to tape it all, and I didn't study. Why would I study the most important thing in the whole world? This is once in a lifetime. Exactly. I probably failed that test.

I feel like I owe you an apology for that.

No. You know what? It all worked out. You owe her a...

You're welcome.

Exactly. Oh, my God.

That's the highlight of her.

It was everything to me. It was such an escape. I was thinking about it recently because I was like, what? I have so many reasons why. But one is we don't have comedies like that anymore. We don't have shows like that where you do You know it's going to work out. Even though there's stakes, I'm not saying there's not, but it is going to work out and it makes you feel safe and it brings hope. My favorite shows now don't have hope. I love them, but they're scary and you don't know if it's going to work out.

The best shows are the ones where they might kill the lead character. Exactly. You're like, Fuck, I'm on pins and Needles.

Yes, the anxiety is at a 10.

The Game of Thrones of it all.

So true. It's the opposite of what that was, which is just reassurance.

They can't hurt a friend.

They would never hurt. They're not going to hurt one of the friends.

They won't kill one of the friends. They won't kill one of the friends.

They won't kill one of the friends. They won't kill one of the friends. They won't kill one of the friends. They won't kill one of the friends. No.

They won't get hit by a cab.

No. When you're a teenager, you don't know what's going to happen. Everything's scary. People are going to make fun of you. But this is a constant. I can't really explain It's not that important it is with words, but I'm grateful.

I can feel that. I love that.

I wish you could have come to a taping. I had a recurring dream that you guys got back together, and then I went to a taping. For a while, I was like, I think I saw. I think I was there. Then it was just a crazy dream. You could have come to the reunion. That was here, right? You were here. I was here. It was perfect. I didn't need to do that. Here we are.

We just were with somebody, Chris and I, and we were discussing this exact thing.

Obsessed with her show, by the way.

Oh, what a kiss. Have you ever seen a better kiss? No. On television? No. Maybe you had some, but I might have missed it.

No, none of us. I don't see anyone on the planet Earth. I also was like, was it the putting down of the cups and It was all of the things? There's something just so beautiful. It was just this foreplay.

It was a set piece. Yeah, it was really. It was a kiss that was actually, they took the time, they made it like a set piece. It built, built, built, built. I'm going to fucking die if they don't kiss. They're fucking kissing, and it's great. Yeah, it was so good.

I guess that's the show that's the closest to that feeling right now, which is like, it's probably going to be okay.

It felt good. We needed that. I binged it. I don't binge things. I'm also so happy for my friend Aaron, Sarah as It's great. Happy for everybody.

They created a cultural phenomenon their first time at bat. It's incredible.

Thank her for that.

I only had one single question about your movie career, which is Bruce Almighty. Oh. Mega hit of a lifetime. What is it like acting on the other side of Jim Carrey? Does it rattle your own sense of reality? And what is the experience? Because he is pulling off something that is the most heightened we've ever He is landing it. I just can't really imagine what it's like being opposite of that.

He's a big kid at that point. It's quite enjoyable. You would think it's going to be... You're like, What do I do? How do I keep up? We just had fun. Oh, good. We just volied.

And you never had this sense you were leaving your own tone?

No, because I was the grounding. He's the whirling. That guy, I can't remember his name. Wasn't Bruce. Wasn't Bruce?

It should be.

I think it was.

You would hope Bruce Almighty. I hope so. I really hope. I don't know either, but I'm doing reverse engineering.

It's not like God's name was Bruce.

Oh, God. There's no way. Yeah, I think it was Bruce. Yes, Bruce.

When you say Bruce right now, it's like, why would you name a character Bruce?

He does not read as a Bruce.

No, he does read in my memory as a Bruce.

No, he was Jim, probably the whole time. He was Jim.

Yeah. Then there was Evan Almighty and that was Steve Carel. Evan Almighty was Steve Carel. He must have been Evan if we're putting the pieces together. You're right.

This is even more proof that his name was Bruce.

Sorry, Jim.

I did the math on this, and I want people to think about this for one second. I was reading this article that you were in, and they had done the research. This is not my research. They had said, Cumulatively, 2,000 tablet covers. That's the total number of tablet covers. I did the math.

I love math. I do.

I love math. See, I failed terrible.

Let me hold your hand and walk you into this math.

I need you to help me, and I'd be like, Gosh, can you just figure this out?

I I just asked for a washer and dryer. Was that financially? Am I winning on this? Because he got a Ferrari, I don't know what model number, but are they comparable?

I got a GE washer and dryer.

2000 tablet covers. Wow. Is a tabloid cover every single day for the next 5. 47 years.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I just want people to think about what that experience would be, that there's a tabloid cover of you every day until 2030. Yeah. It's so out of this world bonkers. Yeah. And you said to that when they hit you with that number, you said, yeah, I took it all very personally.

Of course I did. I don't know why. I mean, of course, I know why. Because I was a kid growing up, I'd look at those covers and I'd be like, Really? Is that true?

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, an alien and a hair boy. Yeah.

A what?

A alien and a hair boy. Wasn't there always a hairy boy on those Yes.

He's like a sasquatch a thing.

Yeah, maybe he's a monkey boy.

Yeah, something. That's so funny.

I think there's a generation now that doesn't understand tablets.

It's Instagram now. Exactly. I guess it's the internet. The way more people allowed access to participate in it.

Not only is the cover there, but then we get to hear what everyone's takeaway from the cover was.

It used to be that there would be a week or two weeks later that you'd open the first two pages and it would be letters from readers. Five little letters of what they thought. Someone would be like, Snark. Then there was one that was like, loved it, loved it. Then I'm like, hated it. But it would only be a couple.

It went through some filter. Sure. They're not going to let something insanely misogynistic land in their letters to the editor.

But in some ways it was worse because that's the only way people were getting this salacious information was the tablet. Now there's a new thing every 45 seconds. So you could be in an article, but then tomorrow you're not going to be in an article. Something is going to wash it away.

Ai is going to come in, and then it's not even you saying things. Exactly.

There was a tablet story about Chris and I that we were swingers, and I don't think people even remember that we were swingers. That's not true. It's not true. We could perhaps, under the right circumstance, you know.

You could send a letter.

Have a very open dialog about that if the right participants presented themselves.

But see, that's such a headline that you go, That's so ridiculous.

But yours were, too.

Oh, yeah. No, it's true. It's very true.

I thought your ears were more ridiculous. Did you ever consider, because you have the leverage. I want to say we are both so fucking grateful you're doing this. I think it's nothing but high risk for you. You don't need any press, and we both really appreciate it.

It's such an honor.

But did you ever consider, I'm just never going to do press again. I'm going to go act in things, and they can pay me whatever reduced amount for not promoting it. If you had those debates with yourself, you have.

Ask him all the time. All the time.

He says, Don't fucking bring this up.

Because I actually love to go into a conversation with people.

That's the sad part, right? Yeah.

I love it. I love this. I love watching you. I love listening to you. I enjoy it. I find it interesting. This is safe. Do I get nervous? Obviously, that's just because I do.

Well, and you've been fucking burned. Exactly. You've earned some apprehension.

There's a thousand tables. There's a little thing. There's things that get... Even recently, something came out Referring to a question that was asked about the Met Ball. Why haven't you been to the Met Ball? The answer was simply, I don't know, it intimidates me. It's not my thing. Period. That was all. But then an elaborate answer was created out of it. Things will always get misconstrued. But I always go into a conversation, really happy to have the conversation. It used to be even more so because I hadn't been burned. When we say burned, it just means the writer is doing their job to make it more interesting. I don't think they're intentionally trying to do something like- That's generous of you.

Yeah, that's generous. Because they are. They're trying to get clicks. I mean, it is their job. It is how they get paid.

Also to make me sound a little more interesting than, No, I don't like it. You're like, That's the answer?

Yeah. What? What's the gossipy part of this? That's what they want.

Did you ever go in to Skye's places? No.

You haven't? No.

Have you ever considered that?

Hat, glasses, scarves.

That doesn't cut it, though.

No. You mean like when they put an actual mask on?

Well, so Mila and Ashton told me they bought a piece of shit car. Yes. Like a $1,200 car. Yes. And they had masks, and they'd send their real car out with a friend. They'd drive in the pop-up, and then they get in this fucking clunker and drive on. I was like, This is incredible.

And would they go out into the night or have a date night or something?

I think they just needed to leave their neighborhood and not get followed. And then I assume the mask. I doubt they went to El Churrito and ate the whole meal with masks on.

It's a bummer that they didn't do that. I've done all sorts of things. I remember wanting to write a book called Stories from the Floor Board, where I'm getting in the back seat of cars and just maneuvering through and then switching out and getting to a different car. I've done that. Yeah.

Okay, I have a pitch for you. Would you like to go to Burning Man with me? No.

Pitch over. Correct answer. That is the correct answer.

I didn't hear the rest of the question. Sorry, go on. Finish your question.

I don't think it's worthwhile.

Wait, I wasn't dying to hear the rest of it.

Because you can go to Burning Man in Feathers. You could be an ostrage I could be a donkey. We could mill about and we could see all the art. You could be completely anonymous.

Yeah. Everybody else is just on all sorts of drugs so they won't even know what's happening.

You get those street smarts, the walking home from Jackson Hole, all that would come up. That comes back.

I don't know.

Do you go to Burning Man?

No, but I want to. I think it's giving me my New Year's resolution for 2026. Really? Yeah. I have a lot of friends who I trust deeply and I value their opinion. And they love it. My friend Joy Bryant, in particular. She's You can't miss it. If you're on planet Earth, you must go see this. She's like, The art is insane. The things that are happening are wild. You can pick what experience you want. There's a lot of different camps you can be in, and they vary in extremeness. So that's a thing I would love to see.

Why haven't you done it yet?

I don't think I had been pitched so full-heartedly by this very trusted source. I got you. And now I'm like, yeah, you're damn right. I don't want to leave this planet without having seen that spectacle. Have I intrigued you at all?

No. No. No. Only because my friend group, my girls and their husbands, have gone many times. They went 12, 15 years straight. I've seen the photos, I've seen the videos, I've heard the stories, and I just go, I just don't think I can-Not for me.

That's fair.

I also don't love crowds.

Yes, understandably.

But since I was a kid, I don't like crowds. That's just I don't know what that is.

Are you the type that can be peer-pressured or are you like, I made my decision.

I'm pretty, no, cut and dry. I can think about it, but no, I would never be peer-pressured.

Okay, about the tabloids. Because of all this and because everyone knew your business and there was a lot of public information, how do you feel about being pitied? Hated? Yeah. There's been so much pity towards you over the years, and it feels so unfair. It's like, she seems good.

I really just like it a lot. Hated is such a strong word. It's exhausting.

That's my most hated, so you know. If someone pities me, so you think I'm weak, that's my number one.

Being labeled the poor anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No point in even trying to rewrite it because that's just stuck.

Yeah. That's the role they assigned you, and that's what it is.

Probably. Not much to really undo that. And that's okay. Yeah.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

Over the years, you took it really personal.

Do you think you have transcended that? Or is still a little bit. Like, let's say at its height, it was a 10. Oh, yeah, 10.

I was just so upset. I mean, I would always take, how did this happen? Or how do we write it? Because if they give you the heads up, you're like, that's just not true. At this point, I just don't pay attention. And I realized it doesn't matter. We're still here. I love my work. I do my job. I have a gorgeous, stunning group of friends that know who I am. And that's all that really matters.

I like your group of friends. I was learning about your group of friends in my research.

A lot of crossovers in our group of friends.

We do have a lot of crossovers with the Bateman's, Amanda, Jason. Jimmy Moll. Jimmy Moll. But the two I like that I learned about was I admire Gwyneth Paltrow so much. I think she's such a badass. I just think she's so cool.

She's the epitome of I don't care. Yes, I love it so much. Take a page out of her book. She's a really good person to look to for that who said it? Who cares? Ask yourself, is that true?

Right.

Or even before they would say it, is it true? First thing I would say, is that actual fact?

No.

Then what's the problem? The is this other part of my brain that so wants to be the get off.

I know. I know.

Those little two voices.

I have the thing that will trap me is I'm stubborn to the point where even the going to the burning man thing, it's like, I refuse to not be able to do the things I want to do.

Has that increased as you've gotten older? I think it came out this way. You came out that way. Has that lessened at all? Have you relaxed out of it in terms of, I should not be so stubborn. I should be a little more flexible.

I've had to because I am in a family and I have These two little girls who have an opinion, they're stubborn as fuck. There's not enough room for another one of us to be stubborn. Chris is very stubborn. I'm very stubborn. Busy household. Now we've got two other stubborn people in the house. Chris and I think both were like, Okay, well, one of the variables has to change in this equation. It's certainly not going to be these little kids. I think that has definitely helped me get over some of it.

What's your sign?

Could you guess?

I would say Taurus.

Okay.

Or Virgo.

I'm Capricorn.

Or Capricorn. Corn.

Okay. He's very, very Capricorn.

Two Capricorn, Monica might argue.

I didn't say that. Stop putting things on me. What are you? What do you think? I know.

I feel like you're like a Pisces or a Gemini.

No, I am not water. I'm a Virgo. Virgo? I'm a double Virgo. Double Virgo.

Particular, are you... Do you see things out of the corner of your eye and you just want to move it? All of it.

Definitely. What are you? Oh, February.

I'm an aquarium. Aquarius.

I think that's what my dad is. We're talking about kids, and this might be a no-no, but I'm curious. Hit it.

You can ask me anything.

Okay. I froze my eggs twice. It went very badly. I did a podcast about it. It was following the journey. It was a whole thing. And I'm 38, and I am single, and I'm feeling like time to start making some big decisions. It feels like now or never-ish to even try with some of those eggs. And I'm starting to I always feel like I think it's never.

And why?

Because...

Can I ask you a bigger question?

Yes, please.

Are you doing that, the freezing? Yeah. Have you always wanted children?

I've always not known If you wanted them. Yes. So it's not like we had Chelsea on that podcast, Chelsea Handler, who I know we both love. And she's always been like, no, I don't.

She's very cut and dry. No, not my thing.

I respect it, and I wish I had that because it's not that. It's very much like, oh, I'm very close with their kids. And it's like, oh, my God, to have one of these. That's mine. You get wrapped up in it. But also my life is also very full. What you just said about all your friends in your life, I have the same thing. So it feels like maybe it's okay that I don't You've said you're on the other side of that. And I wonder if there's peace there.

Oh, it's so peaceful. But I will say there's a point where it's like, out of my control. There's literally nothing I can do about it when people say, but you can adopt. I don't want to adopt. Yeah. I want my own DNA in a little person. Yes. That's the only way, selfish or not, whatever that is. I wanted it. But is there the moments of... Well, this goes around into it. It's probably a topic I don't really want to discuss. But when you meet someone and you go, God, we would have made some good kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course.

So that might come up, and then that'll pass within three seconds. Right. And you're like, but guess what?

You'll plan a trip to Mexico? Yeah. You'll be on that Just take a look at that vacation for five minutes, and you're like, Oh, good night.

Bye. See you later. What are we going to watch? It's a romanticizing, but once you are on the other side of it because it's out of your control. It just wasn't in the plan. Whatever the plan was.

Exactly. I do think some people, though, can't. Let it go. Let it go. I worry, I guess.

That would be me. Come over and I'll help you let it go.

Okay. I'll take that invite. It's a lot.

It is a lot. And by the way, it's very emotional, especially in the moment when they I say that's it because there is a weird moment when that happens. It's getting too dark for this podcast. No, no, no. But it's like there's a moment when it's actually, oh, yeah, this is not even viable. Exactly. So you're like, oh.

That's probably a blessing and a curse. It probably hurts really bad. Then probably you move into acceptance mode, and it probably is liberating on the other side. Yeah. Last personal question, and then we're going to end the morning show. How many dogs do you have?

Two.

Okay, that's nothing.

I had three. Well, I've had three at a time, and I have and then there might be others. Yeah.

Claudio Takes a Bite Out of Life.

Yeah, Claudio.

Is a very cute book. Yes. It's about finding your passion in your purpose. That's right.

It's my contribution as a dog mom at a mother, whether dog to human, but to the children's book world.

I know you don't read anything, but I do hope you've seen- That book, I can read.

No, no, no.

That book- You want me to read it to you?

I can read book that's also coming out. That's really good about a neighborhood cat.

Wait, is it a forthcoming book? It'll be the third.

Yeah, super cute.

I know you're not consuming what's out there in the world, but I do hope the comment Stateman has made recently about your contribution to his kid's life.

I hope that filtered through to you. I know, it's so sweet.

She said you're like a comon. I know. Really beautiful.

It's the sweetest thing. And those kids were since that… Now she's in my bikinis, really working on it. You're just like, Oh, my God, I can't. Why am I having an issue with this? Yes. Her first vacation, she was going on a trip to Italy with all these kids by themselves, and I was like, Did they pack condoms? They both looked at me like, Why? I'm like, Are you kidding?

Yeah, pull your head out of the same.

Have you seen the bikini? Have you seen your daughter? Oh, my God. It's because the kids are such an active reminder of time. It's so It's easy as adults to forget that it's moving, but they don't let you forget.

No. And they can just chill out. I know.

We love that they take a break.

Slow it down a little bit. Yeah.

Pump the brakes just a bit.

How old are yours?

Ten and twelve.

Yeah.

Okay, Morning Show. Okay, Season 4 of Morning Show. I'm caught up. I'm waiting tomorrow. I'll get another installment. You're dealing with a tough one. You go to interview this athlete from around.

You're the first episode. Yes.

Yeah. And then the father puts in your hand this a piece of paper that says, We want to defect. They're in town for the Olympics, and you're like, I got to help. How would you not? But you don't know that really he wants to defect because he's a nuclear engineer in Iran. Now this is a very big geopolitical switch.

That was a low-rate switch.

It was. He a little bit misled you.

A little bit of a mislead there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just goes to show you, pause and think about things before you just- Again, pump the break.

Pump it.

Yeah. Well, now wait to see what happens. Oh, boy.

I can't wait. Oh, boy.

This show's scary. It keeps predictions predicting things that happen that are very bad.

I know.

Tell me.

All of it. Also, the space ladies, it predicted.

Oh, well, that was- That wasn't very bad. That was the billionaire in their rocket ships. And then there was the crews with a mysterious virus. That was the end of the first season. There's all sorts of- There were others.

I'm blanking.

Well, it rides this line of it's very much tackling the issues that are happening in pop culture, and yet it's also fiction. And then so people are trying connect dots that don't connect. Which would drive me nuts if I were you. You were dating John Ham, and he was a billionaire who went to rock. So people were like, Oh, that's Elon Musk. And you're like, My character would fucking take me off.

It's not.

Then you're going too far.

That's John Ham playing a billionaire. Yes.

But your character, I mean, it's not hard at all to draw the parallel between you and the character in that you're an incredibly powerful woman and you are navigating still what is still a very male world.

It's right. The challenge is being a woman in the very male dominated world and dealing with public perception, the private world that's going on behind the scenes.

The price that you can't help but pay.

The drive to get what it is. You know you have the ability that you can do. I am capable of this. Women are capable of this. Yes.

When you've seen these scripts come in, are you so excited in that like, Yeah, I can't wait to shine a light on this. Or are you like, This is a a little too close. I don't want it to be so mean. What's that balance?

I don't look at it that way, actually. I do look at it in a way of women need to know that they are able to be in positions of power. It has happened and it will keep happening. This is a version I love that happening. I love to represent that as an idea that you can strive for.

I guess a better question would be, where are they parallel and where do they diverge?

I'm not as angry. I'm not as... Cutthroat? Fearless.

Interesting.

I don't think I am as cutthroat. There's a very alive and well people leisure inside of me that would love to make more swings at some things than I do.

The other fun real-life parallel is it's a show about two women. It's about two women who are both sharing power in a very finite vacuum of power that's available. The show itself is a breakthrough in that you have you and Reese, who conventionally would only have your own show and probably be pitted against each other, deciding to come together be like, No, there's room for both of us here, and the pot's big enough for both of us. How did that come about?

We both believe that, that there's room for all of us. Actresses should not be pitted against each other because there's opportunity, and it's only increasing.

Forgive the example, but it's like Ocean's Eleven. No one said, Well, there's no way we can do it. They're all too big. How will we pay them all? Exactly. That was fine. We're like, Oh, we'll figure it out because we want to see this.

And they did figure it out. They figured it out a few times. Trying to remember what they did. They might have done it a couple of times.

Just one or two or three times.

I think there was only one female version of that. Exactly. We haven't seen that again.

Who approached who?

Michael Ellenberg approached us both with the book.

Were you friends prior to that?

Yes, she was on Friends.

Oh, I know. Oh, no, I do know that because you guys interviewed each other. It was a battle of the blue eyes. I was like, Whose eyes are blueer in this interview? My fucking God.

Depending on who got the better light. Yeah. Hers are really beautiful blue balls.

No one was suffering in the Blue Eyes Department. It was like, test your friendship. This is very telling.

Well, that's the other thing. We're friends. We know each other, but we don't wake up together. Right, right, right, right, right. I'm not bringing her coffee in bed. I felt terrible.

She doesn't even live here.

No, she really left all of us. Yeah, she abandoned everyone. She abandoned us.

She's our neighbor now, actually. She is? Yeah. Oh, wow. In Tennessee. See? But she's a special gal, right? I love her.

She is a spitfire. She works harder than anyone.

She's Tracy Flick to some degree.

She's so Tracy Flick. She'll She's the first one to say that. She is fearless. She will speak her mind. She's the sponge for sure.

Yeah. How are you guys, Ian and Yangy?

She loves to read and learn and probably ace tests and work, work, work, work, work. I want to go outside and lay in the sun and listen to a podcast, talk to a group of girlfriends, group of friends, have a barbecue, talk about what's going on, listen to another podcast, and then go to work on Monday. I don't know if I could say I'm a little more laid back.

That's okay. But we'll ask her. We'll see how they compare.

It'll be interesting. We're going to talk to her in a couple of weeks. Oh, God. We'll ask her. We'll see if this matches up.

I'm sure she agrees. You said that you know your value at work, though. You said, I know my value when it comes to career. Do you feel that about the other places in your life at this point? I do.

That's good. I do. She's like, I'm not going to fucking Burny Man with you. Yeah, easily. She's like, Fuck you. I'll give this first your feelings. I don't know what fantasy you've cooked up where we're going to go to Burny Man.

By the way, I'm psyched for you because you are going to have a good time since you are dying to go.

I'm built for chaos. It arouses me. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, did I say bring a medical kit?

Someone will have one.

No, they won't.

They're on drugs, so they probably won't.

I'm not kidding. Please bring a medical kit.

They'll be hard, but they won't be able to find it.

Oh, no. And a phone that you will know you can use. What do they call them? Yeah, satellite phone. Thank you, satellite.

Okay, I'll bring a sat phone if that makes you feel safer.

That will make me feel much better. Okay. Because I I don't tell you the other stories of other friends.

Sure, a lot of things go down in that desert.

But I think it can be tricky, though, because if you have such a big career, you can say, well, maybe that's why some of these other things haven't worked out for me the way I went. I think that all the time. I'm like, well, I have this. I won the lottery in this area, so maybe I don't get these other things. I don't think that's the smart way of thinking, but yeah, I wonder if you've experienced that.

Oh, sure. Knowing your value, it's like you know what you know and you know what you don't know, right? I know where I Excel. Are there parts of me that wish and want to be in some of these other areas of this business? Absolutely. Doing other kinds of movies? Absolutely. Working with certain other directors? Absolutely. But I also find that to be the fun of still being excited about, I'm going to go make that happen. We're not done. We're not like, and this is where we Coast now.

We had Jeanette McCurdy on to talk about, I'm glad my mom's dead.

Yeah. Glad my mom died.

I'm glad my mom died. I think that's a brave role to sign up for is what I wanted to say.

Oh, yes. First of all, Jeanette is so lovely.

We fell so in love with her. It's crazy.

Isn't she just so funny and clever and smart?

She's unbelievably smart.

The way she channeled that life into that book. With that humor and the wink in the midst of a lot of pain and suffering. She's remarkable. I can't wait to start playing that part. It's been almost two years now that we've had it, and I started prep end of the summer. That's a character that gets me nervous.

Oh, yes. That's why I'm so excited about it. Like I said, it's a very, very brave. I love when I get nervous. Yeah. Yeah, it's out of the comfort zone.

If a job is making me nervous, it means it's something, obviously, that I know will challenge me. Not that the others aren't challenging. I mean, certain comedies, super fun, and I've done that for so long.

But it's okay that that's easier. Comes easier. I've been practicing being a clown from the get-go.

Yeah, it was our self. It's what helped us grow up without dying inside. Yes. Right? Yes. Make people laugh. Then you're like, Oh, bring joy. That's a good way to ease it, regulate, be happy. Playing that woman because Jeanette's mom and my mom had some odd parallels. It'll be cathartic in many, many ways. We just couldn't believe the amount of stories that we had in and... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an important story to tell. It'll help a lot of young kids, just parents, adults, process life that they've lived.

Okay, I saved this as the last thing I want to say to you because I don't think you're going to take it well. I have to I imagine you two have found yourself in these conversations. They're very fun. It's like you're sitting around with a bunch of other actors, and cumulatively, we've met nearly everybody in the business, and you go like, who's magic on screen that in real life is magic? You're working with the perfect example, which is Billy Cruda. I'm like, oh, this motherfucker off screen? There's only one additive for that guy. It's magic.

He is pure magic and committed because he really lives up to it. If you looked up theespian in the dictionary, you'd see Billy's Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing that matters more to him than the work.

For 10 years now, every time this conversation comes up, I always, always say the person that just completely blew my mind is I thought Jennifer Anaston was hot on screen. Oh, my God. Then I saw her in real life and I was like, Oh, my God. And then I saw her in real life and I was like, oh, my God, she's the most beautiful person I've ever seen. I've said this 150 times. I think I've said it on here before. That's so sweet. I just think you're so overwhelmingly beautiful in real life. You're my example. I always give 100% of the time.

Oh, my gosh. I don't even know what to say. I'm so blushy. My mac to the couch now.

You're blushy? That's so sweet. I'm shocked. You're so humble because how many people have said that you are the most beautiful person? I mean, everyone says it.

I don't think we ever look at ourselves and feel that way. You know what I mean?

That's interesting, though. I think that'd be interesting for people. You are still blushing hearing that.

Still blushing hearing that. You said friends, you had a color coordination thing. I'm like, I want to cry. I'm still going, What?

That means your ego is so correct, and it did not have to be. You could be so off on another planet. I think most people in your position probably are.

You could have been like, No shit, dude. Get in line.

Yeah, you're like, yeah. It says everybody.

That's so nice. I agree.

I've been told before and I agree.

That's the first thing I've agreed with you about today.

I thought you were going to say to me, who is the person? I was going like, oh, my I got.

No, but you and I at dinner, we know who we know.

I can't wait to have dinner with you again to tell you more.

Who we know. We know. And you'll forever be my example. I love you. I'll tell you who blew your fucking doors. I adore you. I'm so, so grateful you came. Thank you, Jack. I want, of course, Monica if there's anything.

I'm so grateful.

Your letter moved me so much. I really did.

For the listener, I did send a love letter via Molly McNeerney. Big shout out, Molly.

Yay, Malls.

Love her so much. Love her so much. She did send it to you. Then I got an email from Steven the next day, and it was right before my birthday, and I was like, Happy birthday to me. What a special, special thing.

I'm so glad that timing happened. I know.

It was perfect.

I love you. Yeah, very fucking cool of you for reading Monies' letter and then coming. I think that's so sweet.

And these are not my... I don't... You don't do them? Well, I go, What do I have to talk about? I don't have anything to say. But this was so fun. Oh, good. We had so much fun. It was so fun. I felt like I had a really great conversation with two people I adore.

This was so wonderful. Everyone watch Morning Show. It is out currently. It's on Apple TV Plus. It goes to November 19th. So if you're not caught up, binge. And I adore you. Thanks for coming.

I adore you, too. Thank you. So fun.

I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica comes in and tells us what was wrong.

New merch coming.

Well, you're already in it.

Yeah. Limited dish. So we're working with a new company, and it's really good quality.

You're liking the quality a lot. I can't wait to pop some on. Yeah. Is that the only color it comes in?

This one, yeah, but we have other stuff, too. Great.

And you got some enormous Stonewashed jeans on with patchwork. I think those are new. I haven't seen those yet. I've worn them. What?

I've worn them.

To this show. I mean, you've worn them in real life.

I think I've worn them to this show. I sometimes have to wear the same clothes twice.

Sometimes, yeah. We're on different different traject. I put on a pair of pants, and I wear them for about eight days. Yeah, sure. And then I switch pants.

Now, do they start to smell? No.

You sure? To smell them.

Okay. All right. How many days have you worn those?

Well, to be fair, I washed these when we got back to Nashville after our motorcycle trip, because I was about to say these have a thousand miles of open air road on them. Right. But I did wash them a few days ago.

And did you travel in them yesterday? Yeah. All right.

All right.

P-u.

Oh, come on now.

I'm just kidding.

There's no way.

They don't smell.

They don't smell. I did have my prostate exam in this morning.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

What happened?

Well, I wasn't expecting this, but I had a follow-up appointment with my primary caregiver.

Internist.

My internist, that's right. And I thought I was just going to chat, and then I gave some more blood and some more yawn. And then he said, Okay, why don't you drop your slacks and turn on your side? I want to feel your prostate.

And did you say, I know you want to, but do you need to?

No, I just comply.

Oh my God, you never do that.

Well, at the doctor, I tend to. Wow. Although that's not true. No, because he wanted me to get a flu vaccine. I said, no, thanks. But then he said, what about the pneumonoma, cacomoma, Penonia vax? And I said, sure, I'll take that one.

Pneumonia, Yeah.

The nunococcal.

Numococcal Pneumonium. Numococcal.

Numococcal. Numococcal. Guys, why? I know.

Not everyone has a hard time with it, though.

But, Hieu and I were just lamenting about this. Why do all these prescriptions have to have an X, a J, a Z? It's like they're going out of their way to make it difficult. A pneumococcal pneumonia.

I think it's fun. It's like alliteration.

Okay. It seems excessively hard for no reason. It is a lot. What's the goal? To let people know what it is or to flex with how many letters you can put in that name?

I don't think it has to be about letting people know what it is. Maybe it's Latin and stuff.

Okay. Anyway, back to your- Back to your- Numal... Anyways. Okay. So I did pee. I did give blood. Then he went in there. I had anxiety, but not for the reason you might think. What do you think my anxiety was?

During the exam?

Him putting his finger- Hoop. Yes. I had gone this morning, but it was not what I wanted because I had- So he puts his finger up there? Of course. What else is he going to be on my prostate? I don't know. Tools or something. But he didn't even ask me if you had a movement or you think? He just, I guess, assumed I had.

He shouldn't assume. Some people don't have regular movement.

No. And again, I didn't have what I would call a completely satisfactory movement this morning. Sure. Anyways, he went in there I guess there was no obstructions. And he said that my prostate felt tiny and healthy.

Oh, great. Tiny.

Generally, that's not a good descriptor, but in this case it is. Okay. Yeah.

Wow. I just feel like there should be a way to do that without having to stick your finger in there. Like in 2025.

Although some part of me is like, I love how old school it is. Sometimes it's as old fashioned as that. His finger, my prostate, prostate. Yeah, that's the right size. Wow. Which I trust more than a gizmo.

What's a gizmo?

Like an ultrasound that look through.

I trust that. Then you have the actual image and it can probably... Be measured. Yeah. Yeah. Just based off his little finger. What if his finger...

It's like- If his finger was enlarged and my prostate just smelt small? Yeah. Relative to this.

Wow. Do you feel violated today?

No, it was fine. Okay. That's good. It was really fine. And then he gives you some tissues to wipe your butt with afterwards because there's a lot of jelly.

Oh, jelly.

Yeah. Not just like a random butt wipe. But it's an emasculating or something experience to wipe your butt on the side of the table.

Oh.

You know, it's very vulnerable.

That image is raw.

Yeah, wipe it on my side. I felt like a prostitute. It just like, I was gathering myself up. Sex worker. No, I felt like a prostitute. I'm not calling other sex sex workers.

Because sex workers have respect.

I felt like a prostitute from the '80s.

Okay.

Wow. Back when they were prostitutes.

Did you look at the tissues?

It was clean as hell. Thank God. But you were worried. Yeah, just you're wiping your blood in front of a doctor. I know. I'm glad you're having the same reaction. Yeah.

He should leave so you can wipe.

I'll let you. I'm going to step out while you wipe. Yeah. That's crazy, too.

No, it's not. It's here. You can wipe. I'm going to go do some- No one should be wiping away from a toilet is what the issue for me is.

Wipping happens on a toilet. You're right. Not like, I'm going to bring you to the lobby, wipe, or I'm going to bring you to this closet wipe.

Not lobby. No. He goes to do some paperwork while you clean up.

While I do paperwork. So anyways, I think that's all good. That's positive. Okay. That the prostate was the normal size.

Well, actually, I think it's nice that they give you the tissue because when you get a pap smear, or when I my eggs frozen, they do a lot of internal ultrasounds.

And they lube the hell out of that. Yes.

And then you don't get tissue. And so it's all like, jelly.

Yeah, it's a jelly, too.

I don't like that. It feels so weird in your underwear. It does.

In your underwear.

It does. Yeah. Wow. Wowzers. Oh, my. Okay. You've had quite a morning.

I've had quite a couple of weeks, but today is my last day of antibiotics, which- Oh, that's good. I'm delighted about. Oh, that's good. Okay, That's cool.

Speaking of fingers, I had another hand injury.

Oh, no. What happened?

It's not as exciting as my other ones. But, weirdly... Okay, so I get a flower delivery every two weeks. It's like the highlight of my month. It's so exciting. Twice a month. I have two highlights. It's really exciting. They came-How long do they last? So it depends on the flower. Normally a week, but I think these are going to get me a little longer. Okay. Because the stem is like wood.

Okay. It's a branch.

Yeah, it's more branch-like. And that's good, but also, so you're supposed to cut the ends of all the stems before you put them in water and stuff.

So that they'll leach up the water.

Yes. And cutting the branches is harder than cutting regular flowers.

Right.

And I have special scissors.

You have to use a haxar.

Well, I probably should have because I was using my scissors and it was really hard to cut.

Yeah, you need pruning shears.

I have-Pruning? Flour ones that are sharper than regular scissors, but they're not for wood. I don't think.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, and I was squeezing really hard. And then all of a sudden, I was like, Oh, my finger hurts. And I looked and I had this huge hole in my finger, and it had a bunch of wood in it.

Oh, you poked yourself with the wooden I guess, but it was so deep. Yeah, puncture. My mother always said punctures are the worst.

Oh, she's right.

She would know.

Because she's right, because yesterday, I realized there's still some wood in there, so I got some more out. But you can see it looks better today.

Oh, up top. Yeah, here. Oh, yeah, that's legit. That's a puncture. My mother would agree that's the worst.

I hate the way it looks.

And then you're liable to get an infection with a puncture.

I know. So I put Neosporin and stuff on it. That's great. But I didn't do a great job getting... I didn't know what happened. I didn't know if I punctured with the scissors or I punctured with the wood or both or something. I still don't know.

Let me ask you, did your grandfather, would he just start bleeding out of his hands all the time? Did you notice that?

No, he wasn't like, what do they call those? Demons?

No, no. Stigmata? Stigmata, yeah. No, not that. Rob, did your grandpa's hands bleed a lot? I guess a little bit. What are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about. When you're a man and you get old, your skin gets thin.

Oh, you mean dry?

No, and you just bump nothing. My papa was always driving with a paper towel wrapped around his hand because he had scuffed it on nothing, and then it's just gushing blood. That's how my dad is now. Your dad's currently that way? Yeah. Well, Aaron and I, we've both been noticing that we're heading in that direction where it's just like, I always have six or seven cuts on my hands. And it's not like I'm not a machinist. I'm not welding.

Are you using lotion? I think part of it is dry because then it cracks.

It's not dry is not the issue.

I can't wait for a dermatologist to weigh in. Well, yeah.

And I encourage them to. I invite them to. But what Aaron and I were theorizing, also I have a tremendous blister from riding a motorcycle.

Stop trying to see my thunder. I'm sorry. I am the one with the finger issue. Okay.

Okay.

Okay, go on.

Well, no, I can just leave it.

No, I want to hear about that. I just want to hear about the blister. Okay.

The blister is what's hurting right now, currently, which reminded me.

Okay. Anyways. I guess it's okay that you talk about the blister because as we learned, it's not as bad as a puncture.

No, punctures are the worst.

Okay, because it's your mom.

But we were theorizing, let's say that all this medical technology is heading where we think it's heading and that we're going to live to 165, right? Peptides and stuff. Yeah. How thin is the skin going to be? Sure, your organs might be good and you might be living, but we were just imagining us at 120, just be like a sieve of leaky blood everywhere. Just because your skin... What if they figure everything out except for that your skin is getting thinner? And you can jog and climb a mountain, but you're going to bleed a lot. You're going to be wrapped in a lot of gauze. Wow. Wow. Yeah. So people aren't predicting that outcome, but I'm theorizing that could be where we're headed.

I feel like they already have skin firming serums and moisturizers and things. Women have been dealing with thin skin for a long time on their neck, and yes, your hands, and your face, and fine lines. So I feel- But is there a skin thickener, a pack of dermer? I mean, Phil- That's what we need to do. Sell you on that.

We need to splice in just a little bit of elephant DNA because they're a pachyderm. Sure. We'll see a pachydermis.

And a hippopotamus.

And a hippopotamus and a rhinoceros. Yes. Pachyderms. We just need a little bit of Their DNA. An infusion of their DNA when you hit 130. And that'll really thicken up the skin.

I mean, as long as it doesn't hurt them, I think it's fine.

I mean- Well, they're dumping DNA all over the spot, right? They're just walking it, shedding off. Just gather that.

Yeah, gather that. Because we're already doing salmon sperm facials and stuff, so it feels like this is soon.

Yeah, it's around the corner.

But it's just, you know, elephants have such good memories that I don't want. What if it has a reverse? What if it has a side effect that not our memories- Are even better? Yeah, but in a bad way. You only remember the bad stuff.

Isn't that already what you- Exactly.

Exactly. So I feel like I don't want more. Actually, that's not true. I remember the good stuff.

I do, too. But I was having a moment, I think because we were riding in North Carolina. And the whole reason I even know about Asheville is because I had a stepdad whose parents had retired there, and we went there for a few days on our way to somewhere else. And I fell in love with it. I went to the Piggy's Ice Cream place, All You Can Eat, the shirt, and I just fell in love and went to Biltmore, set off the alarms. But it's all stemming from Looking Glass, Falls, Light, and Rock. It's all from that trip. So of course, while I'm riding through there, I'm thinking, how ironic that I really have him to thank for my love for... And then I was like, because I'm currently writing about him, I was also thinking how completely unfair your memory is. My memory, at least, is to people who I don't like. Okay. Because all I've held on to is the 40 things, the 40 events that made me come to that decision that I don't like that person. And even if I added up the length of all 40 of those events, I don't know what we'd be talking about, three days or four days Out of several years with this person who for sure the majority of time was innocuous at worst, just present, but nothing's wrong.

And then probably more often they were really nice And to me and maybe even funny.

Do you remember that?

I don't.

So are you sure it's real, though?

Well, it has to be, right? Because we- No.

I don't think so. You don't think so? I mean, I don't know which one you're talking about, but But- Well, you do because- The controlling one.

Well, just I can't. I don't want to get sued, but the dead ones I can talk.

Yeah. Well, we love... One of the dead ones is wonderful.

Yeah, I love Barton. Three of my four dads or dead.

Oh, I hated that sentence. I have a lot of dads myself, as you know. Yeah. They're all- They're all alive.

Yeah. Let's just put this No one's one note. No one's good or... They're not bad. He's not evil or good. There were all these things that made me go, I don't like this person.

Yeah.

I'll tell you the side note to that. As I've written about him and I read it back because I read this section to my kids and then my mom. I mean, it's a description of me. It's insane what a description. I'd have to be completely- Oh, no wonder.

Now you're like, he was so funny.

No, no, no, no, no, When you do that, when you have that realization, which I think that's a great realization and good self-awareness, do you think like, Oh, fuck.

I then need to try not to do that because that was pretty unbearable.

Well, I've already had that reaction, and I've even shared about it on here. Years ago, I've gone like, I got to shut up about the sink. It's like living with so and so. I've already had that awareness. But when I just go through the actual, the description of he was so type A, he was so routine, he ran marathons, psychotically fitness, raced, motor cycles, drove too aggressively, got in fight of people everywhere he went. It's really funny. And then, of course, in my mind, there's some difference because I think my spirit is kinder and more loving. But just on paper, again, and that's what helped me look at like, well, I've listed some qualities about him, and then you could list those about me. But also my kids might choose to list that I'm really patient and generous or whatever, a whole other suite of behaviors.

Yeah. Don't you think also, though, I've been thinking about this a lot. I think especially, actually, people like him. I mean, I never met him. I probably won't.

You want to like him?

Right.

I have a sense- He wasn't He was playful and fun. He was rigid.

And mean. Being mean. I think it's nice of what you're doing. You're trying to lend some generosity and compassion and understanding. And like, yes, no one is one thing.

And acknowledging the subjectivity of my memory. Yeah. Which is like, I've held under the things that reinforce this opinion I have of this person. And I've really let go. I'm sure he bought me ice cream a million times that I don't remember one time.

I know. But buying ice cream doesn't make up for or horrible stuff. I guess that's it's like, okay, yeah, there are good moments. Great. But because obviously your mom wouldn't have married him if it was all bad moments. That's how all of this happens, right? Yeah. But it doesn't justify beating her up or being so controlling everyone's walking on eggshells and wants to die. Yes.

I guess my other layer of compassion in writing about him is like, he suffered the most from this personality type. Again, how mad can I be at someone when he was paying the price of this intensity?

Yeah. You don't have to hold anger, but you can still have understanding that it was good you guys weren't around that for much longer because that was not a tenable environment.

Yeah.

And it does suck for him. It sucks that he has to live in that brain. That's really, really hard.

Yeah, that's the thing. I guess if he was loving life and we were the victim items of that, I think I'd have one opinion of it. Yeah. But I think I'm old enough now to go like, he's a pretty unhappy person that couldn't- Yeah, of course. Figure out how to be in jive with the world around him. Yeah. And then he paid the price and we paid the price Yeah, exactly.

Everyone gets hurt.

Yeah, and that's human-ness.

Yeah, it is.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, If You Dare.

Speaking of this, a great transition.

Oh, great. I hope it's not a spoiler. So Beth's Dead is coming out October 30th. Yes.

How is there a billboard up?

It's a complicated... Yeah, New York.

Patreon put up a billboard. Oh, Patreon did that? Yeah. I'm like, did Monica buy a billboard? No, I didn't. Okay.

Patreon did. It was so cool.

Oh, I'm bearing.

Okay, so a week from today, which I guess will be, The 27th. October 27th. Elizabeth, Andy, and I are going to do a live stream on Patreon. No, I'm sorry. On the 26th. Sunday.

You better get the date right. Sunday? If it's a live stream.

Sunday.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. We'll sell you the whole seat. You only need the edge.

Exactly. Sunday, the 26th at 3: 00 PM PST. That's 6: 00 PM East Coast, 5: 00 PM Nashville.

Yeah.

And that- 4: 00 PM Mountain. If you're in Mountain, don't listen. I'm just kidding. Come, please come. Please come to the livestream.

But listen to it at 3: 00 PM Pacific, not 4: 00 PM Mountain.

Just get the date. We'll put some stuff up. You can find it. But on our Patreon, Betstead Patreon, we're going to do a live stream so you can chat with us, ask us questions. And I've never done a live stream, so I'm excited about it.

I haven't either. I think we're contractually obligated to do it.

Oh, then I'll practice for us.

We learn how to do it so we can fulfill that.

Anyway, so I'm really excited. And then that is leading up to the launch on the 30th, which is very exciting. And that's a complicated story as well. That's what just reminded me of it.

I'm so excited for you guys. I hope everyone listens.

Anyway, so come to the live stream. Check it out. That's that. Give it a checkout. Give it a checkout.

Okay. I have updates from my... Why don't you tell me what happened while I was on this trip? Okay. Because I was gone for six days. Oh, you saw a great movie that I've seen, too.

I did. I saw One Battle After Another.

That is the hardest title for me to remember.

As Hard as Numacoccal Pneumonia?

Not because I can't remember that one. Okay. One Battle After Other than another.

Yeah. So good. I loved it so much. I saw it at the Vista as it was intended to be seen, Vista Vision.

Do we think that's a real thing? I know it says Vista Vision. Yes. But do you think they just invented that name because it's the Vista Theater?

No, it's called the Vista Theater because of Vista Vision.

Are you sure? Yes. Oh, wow. They installed a special screen for it there and everything.

It's the way it's filmed. It's a specific- Well, I know it was filmed in a larger format, and I saw it at IMAX for that reason.

And I do think they have a 70 millimeter projector there at Vista. I'm I was wondering if Vista Vision was proprietary before that theater. Before the Vista. Yeah. I don't want to offend anyone. I'm just curious.

Vista Vision refers to a high resolution, widespread film format developed by Paramount Pictures in 1954.

Oh, wow.

It works by running 35 millimeter film horizontally through the camera, which uses a larger negative area to capture a higher quality image with less grain than traditional vertical 35 millimeter film. While its use in full length features has declined since the 1960s, the format is still occasionally used for visual effects and has seen recent high profile feature film applications. There's only four or five Vista theaters in the world. Really? And we have one right down the street.

I love that theater. The seats are so comfortable and the spacing so... That's what I like, is you get a couple of feet in front of your feet.

Yes, you can stretch your whole legs out. Okay, so I saw with Jess, now, there was So it's sold out. Those Vista ones are sold out, but there was availability at the 2: 00 PM. Great timing, actually, because then you have time for dinner. So we're driving up, and I had plans to get coffee from Pam's Coffee, the coffee shop that's next to it. That's also owned by Quintin. That's after Pam coffee, Pam Greer. And this This is notoriously the coffee shop that I thought was owned by a Black woman, and it was a Black-owned business, and I thought I was supporting, but really, I wasn't. All right. Anywho, so- It's a white-owned business, as it turns out. It's a white male business. So So anyway, I was like, Planning on getting a coffee, and we're driving up the line. So at the Vista, you don't buy your seat. You just buy tickets. Mm-hmm. Okay? So the line is wrapped around three blocks. It is so fucking long. And I was like, What is that for? And then he was like, It better not be for the movie. And I was like, It can't be.

It won't fit all these people. This is insane. And he was like, Oh, no. If it is, we can't go. I was like, Yeah, I know. I don't think we can stand in this line. I don't- Sit in the front row. Exactly. So then he was like, We can't sit in the front row. And I was like, Yeah, okay. Well, here's our plan. We'll go into Pam's coffee. We'll kill time.

While that wine dies down.

Yeah. The whole line will go in, and then we'll see. If there's only seats in the very front, we won't watch it. We'll go to Bucatini, the store down the street that I'm really excited about that I love. Okay. And I'm sure it works there. I was getting excited about going to Bucatini.

You were now actually more excited to go shopping.

I moved on. I moved on and I was like, Oh, Bucatini. I'm going to buy this cute little dish there. And maybe some pasta. And then we get the coffee and we do have to end up getting in line. It's moving at this point, but we do get in line. And Ches keeps asking. He asked eight people, have you guys been here? Do you think we'll all fit? He's very worried. Yeah.

And he's getting verbal about it.

Yeah. Yeah. This poor guy behind us was seeing White Lady or some other movie.

And I was like- Oh, there's a second cinema there?

Yeah. There's two screens. Oh. He said, Oh, I'm actually seeing White Lady or whatever. And Jess said, Said no one. So anyway, we get in and it's packed. There's some random one seats, but it's hard. And so we do, we go to the front, and there are some seats four rows back, and we were like, All right, let's try it, and we'll leave if this is bad. Shout out to an arm cherry Chris, who sat next to us. He introduced himself, and he was so lovely and sweet and loves the show, and it was really nice.

Was he single?

No. But that's funny because Jess was like, he's cute. This is one of those times. You got to... And I was like, No, I don't know. And then Jess started talking to him. Sure, sure.

Then they went on a date?

No. And then he was like, We just moved here. And he was like, We? Who's we? He was He's ringing very well.

Yeah, well, he's very good at this thing.

He was like, My wife and I.

Open relationship or close? No, we didn't get that far.

Anyway, so then the movie starts. We're in immediately. We're not leaving. We love it. It's such a... Thrill ride. It doesn't take his foot off the gas the whole three hours.

I know. In the woman.

Which one?

I mean, they're- At the beginning, his- Tiana Taylor.

Tiana. She's amazing.

What a monster.

I know. Then they're like, kissing and licking each other. She's so horny.

Every time she gets in the car, she's trying to fuck all the crime scenes and stuff.

I know. She wants to fuck everywhere. She's so hot, and he's so hot. It's incredible. It's incredible. The acting's unbelievable.

Leo is impossibly good. He's just the greatest actor. Sean Penn is absolutely unhand... Oh, my God. Absolutely unhand. I mean, what a fucking performance.

It's incredible.

The only thing I can think of that is on the same level is Dinafrio in Men in Black as the monster, who has a monster inside of his body. I mean, the physicality in the... I mean, that walking.

I know.

It's so bizarre.

It's really...

It's so good. And then I was just crying at the end uncontrollably.

Yeah. Daughter. That was interesting to me because I am a big sucker for father, daughter, as we talk about I have many dads. Yeah.

It's the daughter of many.

Yeah. And I'm a sucker for that. I mean, interstellar. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I did expect to be slightly more moved by that storyline, but I think it's because there's just so much going on, and it's funny, But it's like- Hactic. It's hectic, and you're on pins and needles. But it still got me, but I was expecting a little bit more from that. Also, It's just so annoying that he still looks like that. He still looks so good, and that made me annoyed.

You were annoyed by that?

And horny. And horny.

I was both. I think what you're describing is agitated. I was agitated. You were in your groin.

I mean, I did spend four or five minutes after the movie thinking about if it really would be a possibility to get some of his sperm to impregnate my egg.

Oh, okay.

The baby in the movie is so cute.

Oh, my God.

It's a mixed baby, not Indian. Actually, there's a hilarious line about mixed. A lot of the movie is calling out/parodying these very extreme white supremacy groups. Yeah. It's like it's wild, and there's some hysterical lines in there. I just thought he nailed it. I also was like, Oh, yeah, he can do this. He is married to a Black woman and has mixed-race children. He understands this. I was like, I can't believe he's married to Maya, and they

person.

Yeah, he's a normal dude. Yeah, that's so cool.

It made me feel very grateful for Creative Brains.

Sure. Yeah, that's such an enigma, like Quentin, that it's like, you went to Ola's with him. Is that what it's called? Ola's. Ola's. Where he thought he was dead. Yeah.

You went to Ola's Yeah, it was great. Yeah. It was great.

It was great. It was great.

Do you think Maya ever just looks at him and he farts in the bed and she's like, How are you him?

No. I bet she's not. I bet she doesn't feel about his- Art? The way you do. Really? Yeah. I bet she thinks he's good, but I don't think... You've infused a little bit of magic.

Yeah. Yeah. Like the world has. I mean, The world puts him in this legendary. That'd be so interesting for me. I'll try it. If Leonardo, it's a similar situation if I date him and he gives me a sperm.

That you'll be enamored.

And he farts in I don't think people can be in relationships if they're enamored with one another.

Oh, I agree. I think they can respect each other, but I don't think they can be enamored. So no, I doubt she's ever in bed thinking like, God, he's so good at filmmaking. I bet she never, ever thinks that.

Well, no, I guess I mean more like, I agree with you. Actually, I think I'm someone who from afar is enamored, and then 40 seconds into meeting someone, it is gone.

Because, by the way, who gives a fuck if someone's good at their job?

Well, I do. If you're married to them. Well, I do. There's a respect there.

Their job has nothing to do with your life is what I'm saying. If they're great at their job, that's away from the house. It's not with your kids or you. And then you suck when you get home. Well, yeah. No one cares about the work because you're not even involved in it.

Well, no one's preferring it.

But you- By the way, I'm not saying Paul sucks at any of those positions. No, no, no, no. But it's just like, you don't care if someone's good at their job. What you care about is, are they a good partner in your household with your family?

Yeah, but you still You respect when someone is good at something. And you do. You talk about Kristen constantly being one of the best actresses, which she is. And you can see that and respect it and be proud of it.

That doesn't mean- This is a direct one-to-one. So I'm never in bed ever, ever, ever thinking, God, she's such a great actor.

When you're watching her acting- If I see her in a show, I think, God, she's so fucking great.

And then, additionally, I'm happy for her, right? I'm like, I'm so happy for her. I'm sure Maya is so happy Paul got the thing in his brain onto the screen so successfully. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. But I guarantee she just never, ever thinks in bed, I'm so glad he's good at his job. No. Because you just don't care. You don't care about that.

I know what you mean, but when you're watching Kristen together, if you guys are watching Good Boys, I've been there.

Hit and run. We just did.

We watched Hit and run. Okay, Hit and run. Yeah. So you're like, I do this when I'm watching her on set. I'm just like, God, she's so good.

Yeah, me too.

And yes, when I am around her as a person, she's my friend. She's a person.

You're never thinking about how good she is as a man.

No, I don't. But I guess maybe sometimes, even if I'm watching her, she's doing something incredible, and I'm like, God, she's so good. I do think sometimes I'm like, It's crazy. That's the person I know. It's definitely... It's like they're separate. They're and I can see it. So I guess what I'm saying is I wonder if she's at the premiere. She's watching this movie, and she's like, holy... My husband made this. This person- Maya. Yeah. This person I know. For sure when she's watching the movie. This person I procreated with made this.

Yes, for sure when she's watching the movie.

Again, the guy farts in the bed, I assume.

He does. He's a human, and all humans fart in your bed. I don't. You even told me you fart in your bed.

No, like run One time I did. Okay, I already know that you- Okay, I got one time.

But again, let's say your husband is the greatest accountant in the world. Yeah. You're never laying in bed being like, he's so good at work. Because again, you're Or not, that's something he does completely separate from you and your family. So him being good at that job has no impact on you other than financially.

Yeah, it does.

But if he comes home and he didn't take the trash out, and then he leaves his dishes on the thing, how good of an accountant he is. No one gives a fuck.

Yeah, I don't know. I hear what you mean, and I think you're right, but I still think there's a respect that happens when someone is good what they do. My parents have it for each other. I see it, and they talk about it.

They respect each other and admire each other. But the things that are annoying your mom about your dad, she never goes, but he's a great engineer.

Oh, no, I know that.

But the problem is, is a lot of actors and directors and writers act like in their house, they should be being revered as an auteur.

Right. That's bad.

And they find people who are fans and allow them to act completely lazy and all departments because they're a genius in this one domain.

Yeah. That's why I don't want to say it in an armchair.

And it's bad.

No, it's bad. Yeah.

It's bad for a partner to care that the person is good at the job, and it's bad for the person who's good at the job to think that being good at the job has anything to do with your real life and in your interpersonal relationships.

I think you're meshing it a little bit. I don't think it's bad to be like, my husband or my wife is impressive.

So talented.

And so talented and not... And and not and just a hard work. Good. They're good at that. And I'm impressed by it. That's one thing. That doesn't mean that you're just in full like, oh my God, I can't believe how amazing he is. And I just want it. I'll do anything to keep him.

But most specifically, it doesn't get you out of a single thing.

It shouldn't get you out of anything. No.

I think people fall in love with rock stars because they see them on stage, and on stage, they're absolutely Absolutely magnetic in once in a lifetime. And then they get out to dinner with them, and they're a normal-They're people.

No, I could not be in more... You're actually saying the thing I say constantly, which is like, no one Should be afraid of anyone's status. Like everyone should- Or talent. But those are often combined. Oh, yeah. And so for me, no, that's one thing they do. But you're in a group of of people. You're a person. You're a regular person. Everyone's the same. And this reverence is dangerous.

Yeah. If Kristen slaps one of our daughters on the same day she wins an Emmy.

Well, she deserves that because she has full of emotion. It's a lot.

I wouldn't give a shit about... Anyway. Anyhow, we'll do some facts.

Now, I want to begin by saying that we had a bunch of alcohol on the table during in this interview. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. People might be confused by that.

Yeah. Where did it all go?

Robin made me take it. Okay, great. And that is because you thought she would be nervous and that it might be fun to have some libation. Is that what it's called? Yeah, libation. Yeah, okay. Libations. Yeah. To, you know, loosen her up. But when she arrived, you offered it to her and she was like, What is going on here?

I don't even think I got to offer anything for her. She's like, What is... Who's going to drink She made it really clear that that was something crazy. So I was like, Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we think it's crazy.

This is locked over from a party we had last night in the studio.

In the Claudio. So no one partook, just FYI.

But it was a nice arrangement. I don't mind it as a table piece.

Yeah, it's like they need to pay us for that.

Oh, okay. What if we took the labels off? I just like the idea of some cocktails and lime sitting out for guests. If I was willing to offer it to her, this is where it's not fair. I should offer to everybody.

Well, we have a lot of sober people in here.

Offer it to them. It's a test of sobriety.

It's a test. Anyway, that was that. That was booze.

Oh, by the way, someone got it. I had said vodka and limes and a lot of limes because I had asked our mutual friend Amanda, what's her cocktail? And it was vodka with a lot of limes. Yes, this was on a previous fact check where you- It was on a fact check, and someone wrote in the comment, comments, Vodka Limes is Jennifer Anaston. And I was like, People, they know everything about her.

Oh my God. Wowy, wowy, wowy, wowy. That's cool.

It's not like they pitched anyone else. Surely other people drink Vodka Limes. I didn't see another name in the comments, but it was like, Bingo, it's Anastin.

Wow. Good job, that person. I didn't know, so I feel dumb.

I'm shocked you didn't know.

What is Taylor? She likes wine. Taylor She likes wine. People know that.

She likes sourdough bread.

And she likes sourdough bread.

I put a hot loaf of sourdough bread in front of her.

Well, some people did that while she was on this tour selling it. Well, they did? Yeah. Someone gave her sourdough.

Is she liking it or not liking it? She liked it. Okay, so it worked, but it has already been done.

It's already been done.

I will get her- What about sourdough saturated in wine?

That sounds gross.

Sounds good to me. It does. You eat it with a fork and knife.

It's like Jell-o shots. It's also very biblical.

It is. You eat the bread, you drink the wine. The bread, the wine, the body, and blood of Christ.

Ding, ding, ding. Jennifer Anson. Okay, Babar. Oh, yeah. I learned all about Babar, and also I was right. He is a king. The book is based on a tale, elephant character named Babar, who first appeared in 1931 in the French children's book, History of Babar. Okay, it's in French.

That's not the most appealing title for a kid's book.

Histoire, or whatever.

De la Babar.

Yes, exactly. The book is based on a tale that Brunhoff's wife, Cécile, had invented for their children. It tells the story of a young African elephant named Babar, whose mother is killed by a big game hunter. I know. It's sad. Babar, the elephant, escapes and in the The process leaves the jungle in exile. This is Lion King. I know. Visits a big city and returns to bring the benefits of civilization to his fellow elephants. Just as he returns to his community of elephants, their king tragically dies from eating a poisonous mushroom. Because of his travels in civilization, Babar has chosen King of the Elephant Kingdom. Uh-oh, he marries his cousin Celeste, and they subsequently have children and teach them valuable lessons.

That's lovely. It does remind me of my favorite book of that nature, which is Lufcato the Lion by Shell Silverstein. Have you ever... Speaking of giving tree Shell Silverstein.

Right.

Lufcato the Lion, no? No. There are some hunters out on the... He's a lion. Yeah. And somehow they scare off these hunters, and they leave one of their rifles behind. Okay. And Lufcado starts learning to shoot the rifle, and he's incredible at it, and he spins it on his tail. Oh, Lufcato. Lufcato the lion. Lufcato the lion, huh? We always in my house said Lufcato. Oh. But, yeah, that's unfortunate. Anyways, so he becomes a real, what do they call it, a crack shot. Oh. And then he gets famous. And then someone sees him, then they bring him to the big city, and then he gets rich. It's like Sid Arthur. He goes to the big city. He loves marshmallows. That's his favorite thing he's discovered of the human world is marshmallows. He's eating way too many marshmallows.

Because he's rich and he just gets to happen.

Yes, he wears furs now, and he like, spins a thing, but he's lazy about it, and he barely cares when he's putting on his show. And then he's got to return home eventually. It's Sid Arthur. I don't know if Shell purposely- This is your whole story.

You're Lecadio.

Do you think so?

Lecadio? Lecadio. The lion who shot back. Full of coty.

He's taking a little dumpy there.

Yeah, that is you. He's got a catheter in. He might have his catheter in. He's got his catheter. Shell Silverstein is full of He also- He also- tales.

And he's got a perverted book. I used to love it. There's this huge, tall book that was in our thing. I remember removing it. I was like, I was being naughty when I looked through that one.

We forgot to ask her about 1111. That was a huge mistake.

Yeah, we fucked up.

I know. I'm upset about that.

I didn't even see on her wrist if that was there.

Exactly. I didn't either.

I wonder if that was like a temp for a movie.

Maybe. We will never know until she comes back.

We could know, but I don't want to- No, we have to wait till she comes back.

I'll send her another letter. Okay. I wonder if it will work the second time. Okay. Cher's Doll house. Cher the pop star or- That's what... Yeah, I think. I'm I'm also confused by this. It says, You fill your little Cher dressing with many little pink hangers of many little shared doll fits. They were designed either from Bob Macky- Or maybe in her Sunny and Shared days, she had a line of toys or something. Yeah, I think so. Also, ding, ding, ding, Bob Macky designed a lot of the outfits that Taylor is wearing in Life of a Showgirl.

Oh, my goodness. I know.

I know. Wow, Wow. Alan Parker did direct Fame. She was right about that. Bruce Almighty. His name is Bruce.

Yeah, thank God.

The big mystery. Jim Carrey's name was Bruce.

That shouldn't have been so hard for us to accept immediately.

I know. He just doesn't look like a Bruce. But look, we don't always match our names.

No. Although very few people don't. Well, I'll tell you one that's not... They have the right name, but someone was using an iteration of it. That was insane to me. Okay. I was talking to somebody who knew- Look at you. I'm sorry, that's what you're doing. I'm trying to be rascally with the monitor. I Yeah. I was running. I was talking to someone yesterday who knows Eric, our good friend Eric. Yes. And he was like, Yeah, E's crazy. And I was like, Oh, no, that's not- That doesn't sound right. For Eric, that doesn't work at all. You can't. He's not like a B-boy where you can be like, Oh, fucking E. Do you see E?

Well, maybe to that guy he was. He used to do a lot of drugs.

No, but he's never had a B-boy vibe. He's never- What's a B-boy?

Basketball boy?

No, like a boy who's into It's got the hip hop, it's got the hat. You might... Like fucking Entourage. All those guys, Mark Wahlberg's whole world.

His name was E, Entourage.

There you go. There it is.

Oh, yeah.

But for Eric, I was like, No, we can't assign him E.

That's right. Yeah. Gosh, this is a good question, though.

I can't think of anyone we know that has really the wrong name.

I guess you're right. I'll report back. I'm going to think on this.

The problem is we knew Jim before we knew the word Bruce. Now, if he'd always been Bruce Kerry, if we had met him as Bruce Kerry, it might have been fine.

Bruce Kerry? Sounds good.

Bruce Kerry. Yeah. What were we watching last night? Oh, we were watching Jim Bond. Oh, yeah. 007. I introduced the kids to 007, and they like it, which I'm so excited because there's 35 007s. Great. Six different actors that play him.

Yeah.

But I kept calling him Jim Bond the whole time, which sounds insane, right? Right. Bond. Jim Bond. Jim Bond.

Because now even Tom Cruise, Tom, Thomas. Thomas is like- Thomas Cruise sounds crazy. Yeah. We kept going.

Me and the girls were like, who wins in a fight between Jim Bond, specifically Daniel Craig, because he's such a beast. So he's got the body on Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible. But the girls decided Ethan had more moves, and I think I agree. I think in a battle to the death between Jim Bond and Ethan Hunt- Interesting. That Ethan wins that fight. Okay. But Jim looks way better doing it. Okay.

If people call him Dan, that doesn't work. Dan Crag. Dan Crag. I don't like that.

Now we're getting close to- Danny. Danny Crag. Then it's the discount food, or not discount. I don't think it's discounted. Discounted calories.

Okay. Oh, some of the things The Morning Show predicted or was right ahead of. Yeah, Billionaire Space Race. Me too. It wasn't really before. It didn't They didn't predict it, but- It came after Matt Lauer.

The whole thing is like people thought it was about Matt Lauer.

Right.

So predicts it. We're fast and loose with predictive.

No. The first season of the show, which premiered in 2019, focused on the immediate fallout after co-anchor, Mitch Kessler, was fired for sexual misconduct. But wasn't Me Too, 2020? Or was it not? No, it was earlier. Was it not? It was earlier? Okay.

And Matt Lauer was probably Early. Eighteen?

Maybe. Okay. But they filmed this in 2013, so it predicted.

Oh, and they delayed it for six years? Yeah. What year was Matt Lauer, Rascal? 2017. 17. Okay. So they predicted it had to happen two years before.

Okay, COVID. Okay. And some other stuff. Oh, war in Ukraine and catastrophic floods in Eastern Australia.

And we're sure, again, that those... Yeah. Okay. Those happened before.

Yeah, those happened. They wrote it before. Okay.

Sorry, I remember your spray malfunction.

Yeah, it's on your lip.

You have spray on your lip.

All right. Well, that's it for one of the loves of my life.

All right. Love you.

Love you.

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