Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Wedding II

Wndri Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Sheppard, and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hello. Today is Wedding Disaster. That was incubated in another episode where someone was arrested at their wedding. That's right. We thought this is probably ripe for some good stories. And it It does. It was ripe as fuck. Ripe AF. There's theft, there's allergies, there's too much semen. I mean, there's a lot. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, there's a lot happening on wedding nights. So please enjoy Wedding Disaster.

I'm Jon Robbins, and on my podcast, I sit down with incredible people to ask the very simple question, How do you cope? From confronting grief and mental health struggles to finding strength in failure. Every episode is a raw and honest exploration of what it means to be human. It's not always easy, but it's always real. Whether you're looking for inspiration, comfort, or just a reminder that you're not alone in life's messier moments, join me on How Do You Cope. Follow now wherever you get your podcasts or listen to episodes early and ad free on WNDYRI Plus. How Do You Cope is brought to you by Audible, who make it easy to embark on a wellness journey that fits your life with thousands of audiobooks, guided meditations, and motivational series. Hello, I'm Jon Robbins, comedian and host of WNDYRI's How Do You Cope podcast. I'm also, Plot Twist, an alcoholic. I've written a book, Thirst: 12 Drinks That Change My Life, published by Penguin. Thirst is a book about alcohol. It's mystery, it's terror, it's havoc, it's strange meditations. But, John, I hear you cry. Isn't that a rather odd book to write for a sober man who more than anything wants to stop thinking about alcohol?

Well, yes, but I had to go back to find out why the one thing I know will kill me still calls out across the night. It's the story of what alcohol did for me and what alcohol did to me. If that's of interest to you or someone you know, Thirst, 12 Drinks That Change My Life is available to pre order now online and from all good bookshops.

Hard times, come and go. Good times, take them slow. My Hello.

Is this Kelsey? It is.

How are you?

Good. Are your T-shirts always that perfectly folded or did you straighten up before this?

I didn't straighten up before this. They're not always that perfect, but I keep it tidy. Where are you? I'm in upstate New York, in Rochester.

Okay. So you had a challenging wedding?

Yes, I did.

You did.

So we got married in Charleston, South Carolina, last October. Okay.

Isle of Palms.

That's where my dad stayed. We got married right downtown in Hampton Park.

It's so Nice.

I was so excited. I had been planning this day my entire life. I knew the vision that I wanted. I knew the color scheme. I was just so over the moon excited to plan this wedding.

Was it a destination wedding or were you living in Charleston?

Everyone was coming from out of town. Okay. We have to rehearsal dinner the night before. It's at this big bar patio, and that was going to roll right into a welcome party where everyone was invited. My fiancé, Trenton, and I were really looking forward to that. It was going to be this more casual wedding before the wedding. We went all out. We got a band, and we'd open bar, and we got food for everyone. So at the rehearsal, we ate around 7: 00, and then the welcome party started at eight. So everybody starts coming in. Right at 8: 00, I'm standing with my best friend Yavra, and I'm like, Yavra, I feel a little funny. She was like, Okay, well, it's a little hot in here. It's overwhelming. There's so many people. Let's go out into the parking lot and get some fresh air. So I'm like, Okay. We get out to the parking lot and I'm like, Yavra, do I look weird to you? And she's like, No, you look great. But immediately, I had a pit in my stomach. I knew exactly what was happening. I sprint into the restaurant, into the bathroom, and look in the mirror, and I have this dime-size swelling in the corner of my right eye.

And I'm just looking at it grow and grow and grow until my whole face within seconds is swollen shut.

Shellfish?

Peanuts. I have a severe peanut allergy. This restaurant swears up and down that they don't have any peanuts in-house, that they don't carry any peanut products. But this is the only thing I'm allergic to, and it always happens an hour after I ingest it.

What had you eaten an hour before?

It was German beer garden food. It was like, kilbasa. I think the thing that did me in was there was a salad. It was like a peach and goat cheese salad or something, but it had crunchy chickpeas on top that were fried. My gut tells me That's what it was.

Maybe even fried in peanut oil. Yeah.

So I'm in full anaphylactic shock now. Oh, my God. My throat is closing. I can't breathe out of my nose. I can't swallow. And my face, the only The way I can describe it is I look like Will Smith in that movie, Hitch. He has an allergic reaction. That's exactly what I look like. Oh, no. I look insane. So I run outside to my mom and my fiance and my brother and sister come over. I'm hiding between two cars. I'm mortified. In that moment, I cried harder than I've ever cried in my entire life. I was having a full-blown panic attack and anaphyactic shock at the same time.

Now, I don't want to victim shame you, but I got to ask a question. I hate when people always ask me because I was allergic to bee stings. But did you have an EpiPen? I did it. Oh, no. I know. You have to have one. I can relate, but I can relate.

No. If your body can do that at any moment, you 100% have to have it at the time.

I know. The only thing I will say is I always do. It was just my rehearsal dinner. I had nothing really with me, not my normal purse. So Trenton and I have to rush off to the hospital. They give me epinephrine. And then whenever they do that, they want to observe for eight hours to make sure you don't have any adverse reactions. So that would bring me to 5: 00 AM, the morning of my wedding, laying in the hospital.

Oh, Jesus.

I accept defeat for a while. We're laying there. I'm in my big white dress from the rehearsal dinner. Everyone's at the party having a great time. And finally, at 12: 45, I'm like, What am I doing here? I ring the nurse's bell, and I'm like, Am I being detained? I'm going to go now, okay?

Yeah, I'm with you.

I'm going to walk the front door. So we get home at 1: 30, so it's not too bad, but it's not ideal. Missed the whole party. And so the morning of my wedding, I wake up. First thing I do is open the camera on my phone. I look at myself. And the swelling has just gotten so much worse as I slept. What? Because you're laying down. I looked like an absolute monster out of a movie.

It was so depressing.

I'm genuinely at this point, considering calling off the wedding. I can't do this. I look insane. The photography, the videography, walking down the aisle. And leading up to the wedding, I had been working out more than ever before I'd been eating so healthy, getting facials. I wanted to look the most beautiful I've ever looked. This is the ugliest I could ever look.

Oh, my. This is like some parable. It is.

Tell me when I'm allowed to look at this photo that Rob supplied. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you can look at it. That's from the hospital the night before.

Oh, sure.

We're looking at you and then that. You just don't look like you at all.

No resemblance.

It doesn't look like me at all.

Oh, it got worse. We were actually on a good photo.

Now we're in- Also, weirdly, it made you 60. It aged you somehow.

You do look a little older with all this fluid in your face. Oh, Kelsia, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no.

On your big day.

This is so sad.

But you seem to have a good attitude in these photos. You're smiling.

It's like when you're in a little bit of shock, you're just like, I guess this is funny. But now, looking back, it's not funny at all.

Maybe you weren't smiling. Maybe that's just the- The permanent.

Yeah, I'm stuck like that.

What can one take to reduce swelling in your face? Benadryl?

Maybe. I took everything under the sun. One of my friends is a PA, and she gave me Pepsid. She said that helps with inflammation.

Pepsid AC?

Yeah, I think so. Okay.

That rings a bell.

Yeah.

It's effervescent. I remember it.

The day of my wedding, I'm like, I guess I just have to start getting ready and move on with the day. So I'm trying to have a good attitude about it. I do end up having a good morning with my bridesmaids. I'm forgetting about it, even though I had so much to do the morning of my wedding, and I was just stuck there with two frozen spoons on my face, trying to make the swelling go down. At one point, I'm like, I'm going to go look over my vows on my phone and sit by the water for a second. So I go outside, I open my phone, and I have an email from the catering manager from the night before. So I'm like, Oh, she's checking on my well-being, of course. At this point, she doesn't even know if I'm freaking dead or alive. So I read the email and it's like, Kelsey, in all of the craziness that happened last night, I actually forgot to charge you for some of the food, and you owe a full payment by end of day today.

I was like, What planet are you living on?

I was just rushed to the from your restaurant.

You almost killed me.

It's my wedding day today, and you send this demanding, urgent email. It was so crazy. I was so filled with rage. They ruined my looks and now completely ruining my mood.

Did you respond?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, good. What- What- What- Sharply toned.

Unhinged, all caps. I was like, How dare you never contact me again? I was in a crazy back and forth fight with them my whole honeymoon.

I mean, you could have sued them. Yeah, for reimbursement of the whole wedding.

At least the photography. I can't even look at those photos. I look awful.

No, you still look really cute.

You look cute. Yeah, you actually look cute.

Oh, my God. So when you were at the vows part and you were crying, were you crying about the state of affairs or joyful crying? Probably a little of both. I walked down the aisle, pissed. I was like, This is not how I wanted this to go. I was in a little bit of a bad mood at the end of the altar. But then my brother did this reading and couldn't read. It was like he had never read before in his life. I got the church giggles from it, and it was this weird release. And then everything got better after that. Oh, good. Little brother?

Big brother. Oh, Big brother. Okay. Because I was going to say those little brothers, they're good for that.

That could go either way, though. You could be like, And now you can't even You forgot how to read. Now this reading's gone downhill?

Now, at any point were you like, Oh, no, these are signs from the universe.

No, I've actually never even thought that.

Oh, man, there's so much pressure on that day. So much expectation. It was so hard.

And so much money spent. That weirdly gets to me a lot when I think about it.

Yes. This is why I'm a big proponent of the courthouse, everybody. You go down there, you walk in, you walk out, then take a nice old trip.

There's something Very special about everyone in both of your worlds being in one spot. I love weddings.

I still think you can do it for about 150 bucks. Order some dominoes, get everyone in the backyard.

Yeah, we spent more than that, but it was so fun. It did end up being such a beautiful day. The weather was great. The DJ was incredible. Luckily, there wasn't really many times I looked in the mirror, so I kept forgetting about it during the day. That's the move. At the end of the day, the most important thing is I married Trenton. I love him. I'm so lucky to be married to him. He's the best husband in the world. I guess all is well that ends well, but it was pretty dramatic.

For life, a phenomenal story. That's right. No one would want to hear about your wedding at a dinner party, otherwise.

I would be fine with that. We wouldn't have to talk about it.

You're like, I have plenty of other stories. I didn't need this one.

Yeah, totally. A lot of people are like, You'll laugh about this someday. I'm like, No, I won't. That is so rude.

I'm pretty good.

I was trying to glass half full of it, but I guess we're going to stick with it That's how you can feel all your feelings. Yeah, you're entitled.

Thank you.

Oh, Kelsey, that was really funny. That was fun. Despite you saying it's not funny, it was very funny on our end.

We're glad we got to hear it. Yeah.

I'm glad it brought me to you guys, so it's okay.

Well, have a great rest of your day. Yeah, that was lovely.

Thanks for chatting. Thank you so much for letting me tell us. This was so great.

All right. Take care.

Okay, you too. Bye.

Oh, poor Kelsey.

That's rough. That's tough. These are going to be tougher than we anticipated. Yeah.

There's going to be some happy stories.

I think we asked for bad stories.

Hi, Clara. How are you doing? Wonderful. I'm trying to take in all your mini shoes behind you. It's a very athletic household.

It's my husband's closet. Is he a runner? Not really. He just has a ton of sneakers.

He just likes comfortable footwear. Where are you at, Clara?

I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Okay. We're staying in the region. We just had a wedding story from Charleston. Oh, nice. You're in Charlotte, and are you from there?

I'm originally from Columbia, South America, and moved to North Carolina when I was seven years old.

Oh, wow. Wonderful. I love North Carolina. Do you ever get over to the Blue Ridge Parkway and the Blue Ridge Mountains?

I'm going to Asheville this weekend, actually. Oh, you are? Oh, fun. Just because I'm actually going with a friend to help her do some wedding planning. Ding, ding, ding.

Dingles. Tell us, you have a challenging wedding story? Yeah.

Me and my husband got engaged in September of I really wanted a long engagement so I wouldn't stress and worry about wedding planning last minute. We ended up finding a venue. It was called Champagne Manor in December of that year. It checked all the boxes. It seemed perfect. It was beautiful. The owner was offering this 2025 wedding package deal. That was one set price, and you got everything with it. All the vendors, two nights stay.

I love it.

Turnkey. Exactly. The only thing I didn't really like was that there was a tent for the reception area and I wanted something indoors. He actually said that there was a structure coming that was this glass ball room. Showed us pictures and it was going to be ready by early 2024. He also said there was construction starting on these cottages so more people could stay on the property. We booked it for May 17th, 2025. We paid the deposit, which was $10,000, and didn't have to start paying all the payments until later on. But he convinced us to put more money down because then he'd take off more off of the total. Then he offered some upgrades, and we ended up putting down $30,000.

My heart rate's already up.

Then we still had more to pay, but weren't going to pay until the end of the year. He just kept having all these little promotions where he was offering all this crazy stuff and just wanted a bunch of money up front. It started getting a little weird. He was offering fireworks. He even said you could get a bouncy house.

Oh, my gosh. That's classic.

He just started getting really bad at communicating with me. He was taking forever to respond. I was like, Okay, so what's up with the construction? Where's the ball room? What's going on? Connecting with the vendors. And he did connect me and everything eventually, but he just took forever to do it. And I started planning the whole wedding, but I was still just getting worried about the whole thing because he was being so sketchy. So I was like, Let's have a meeting about it in person. My mom wants to see the venue. So we went me and my husband with my mom. And this was end of the year, 2024. It was in December. Still, the ballroom wasn't ready, but he was like, I promise it'll be ready for your wedding, and it's going to be great. And when I tell you this guy's just a really good salesman, he's just very charming and convincing.

My curiosity for someone like this is, do they believe it or are they just a straight fucking liar? And how can you do that? I just don't have it in me.

It felt like one of those, he's such a liar that he makes himself believe it. Yes.

I guess to get through it, you have to. Sure.

We actually left pretty reassured, feeling better about it that day. Then two weeks later, we get this very long, dramatic email that he was like, I have tears in my eyes writing this email, told us all about his financial problems, his family problems, his mental health, and basically that the venue was foreclosed on in October.

Oh, my God.

He doesn't own it anymore. He was renting it back, trying to get it back, and then he just couldn't do it. So all weddings were canceled. He was working on a repayment plan for everyone.

This is what, three months before your wedding?

It was January second. The wedding was May 17th. Okay, five.

It was your birthday. Bad luck birthday.

Oh, man.

I just have to replant a whole wedding, I guess.

First thing, we just started calling a bunch of venues. We toured five or six venues within 48 hours. I called the vendors and actually told them because they weren't even informed and just started planning a whole new wedding. The second part of it was, Where's my money? I blew up his email, wasn't answering, tried calling both the numbers we had for him, went straight to voicemail. So this guy fully ghosted us. I ended up finding another bride that was going through the same thing. So we connected. She knew a couple more. We started a group chat. We started telling each other everything that happened, how much money we paid, all the lies he told us. We just started finding out more and more and more. And this group chat just started growing, too. We started adding more people to it. I ended up doing a news interview with my husband on the local Charlotte News. Oh, you did? I was going to say this could be a doc.

I could see this as a doc, Netflix, Caller.

After that, people started reaching out to me on social media, and then we started adding them to the group chat.

How many people are we looking at at this point?

It was about 25 people in the group chat. Then there was a Facebook group with I get at least double that.

Oh, my God. How much money do we think?

This guy stole a million dollars, I'm sure.

Yes, he did. It was over a million. At this point, I'm getting mad. I feel like the Latina and me fully came out, and I was like, If I don't get my money back, I'm at least going to make it my mission to destroy this man's reputation. Right. He can't do this again.

Justice.

That's what I did. We actually figured out that he was selling stuff from the venue on Facebook marketplace. I decided to get one of my friends to message him and pretend to interested in buying 75 chairs. I got her to unfriend me to make sure there were no ties back to me and just set up a time in place to meet him and pick up the chairs. So me and my husband showed up instead. The look on his face was absolutely priceless. Oh, wow.

Is that what the picture is?

No, it's something else. Okay, great. At this point, I knew he had no money, and I wasn't expecting him to just give us money at that point. But I mainly wanted to confront him and yell at him and be like, What's wrong with you? So that's what we did. We yelled at him for 25 minutes What was his demeanor? He was just like, I'm so sorry, and did a lot of blaming it on his family issues and stuff that was going on at home. And he was like, I feel so bad. This is also horrible for me. And very victim-like.

That classic narcissist. Narcissist. Yeah, they're always a victim. I would be fearful for myself in that situation. Did it almost get physical?

No, we were definitely yelling at him, but he was very calm and nice and apologetic. I had a couple of people tell me, This is a bad idea. You shouldn't go. I'm like, I have a gut feeling that this guy is just a coward and it's going to be fine. I was right. My husband definitely was very pissed and was yelling at him.

Yeah, you steal 30 grand from me. We got beef. Yeah.

He told us to do credit card disputes and that that would be our best bet. At the end of the meeting with him, I did tell him, in case you didn't notice, no one's buying your chairs, so have fun putting those up. So that was satisfying. After that, somebody reported everything to the police. The sheriff wanted more police reports. Everyone started calling in. We recorded the whole meeting with him. We gave him all the recordings, told him everything we did. The police now had enough to arrest him. They use my strategy. So they intended to be interested in buying something from him and then drove over there, a bunch of cop cars, and arrested him. Wow. We realized he had actually moved to Pennsylvania and was only in North Carolina to sell stuff, but he had moved and started an Airbnb business, so it seemed like he was on to his next game. But he had a bond hearing. They set his bond for a million Ten of us showed up to the hearing. The DA made a statement, got us all to stand up. We found out that the thing was even bigger than we thought.

There was a couple that actually invested $100,000 into a catering business that never existed.

A real-life con artist.

It got so bad that the FBI got involved. We got a call from an FBI and gave her all our information. There's still an ongoing investigation about that. His next hearing is end of October because he is still in jail since then. Wow. No.

Did he have any assets that could be seized to help pay back? No.

I work at a law firm, so I talked to some lawyers and I was able to pull up his report. He had no assets. He had lost everything. He had a business that went under before, and a lot of sketchy stuff came up.

I wonder what he's doing with all the money, just trying to make this business work, or is he buying ski boats?

I have no idea. That's what we were wondering, too, because that's a lot of money that he took. He kept saying that he was putting it all into the venue. We were able to get our money back through credit card disputes. Not everybody was so lucky. And some people did credit card disputes and their banks denied them.

Some what credit cards offer, like fraud protection. Is that how you were able to get reimbursed?

Yeah. And it just depends on the bank because there was one girl that said that she got part of her money back, but one of the cards that they used, the bank was like, No, we're denying it.

Well, that's a blessing that you got the money back.

Yeah, it worked out.

It worked out. The venue we found was called Pearl Manchin. It was in Charlotte. We actually did have to move the wedding date. It was two weeks pushback, so that was fun, redesigning all the invites and telling everyone.

But you have this great story now that you're a crime investigator.

Yeah, we did also do a second interview after the arrest, and the guy was like, So how do you feel now after you got arrested? And there's a really great clip of my husband going, It feels like justice. We worked it out in the end, but the whole thing was just so crazy.

That is wild. So am I allowed to look at the photo now?

Yeah, it's his bug shot. Oh, great.

Okay. Oh, wow. 42 years old, white male. I mean, it's interesting. If you heard this story and it was about a guy who saved Christmas, would I look at his face and go like, Yeah, that guy looks like he saved Christmas. But because I know this about him, I'm like, Yeah, this guy looks like a total fucking- He could go multiple ways.

Yeah, definitely.

He's not happy in this shot. He's got to Yeah, it's not his best day.

Very charming and convincing about everything. I mean, a lot of people felt for it.

These narcissists, they say, are really empathetic. That's like one of their superpowers.

Like psychopaths?

Yeah, maybe it's psychopath.

I think it's sociopath.

Sociopath. Psycho, socio, and narciss. Maybe socio. But now you're happily married.

Yes, it all worked out. It didn't go exactly the way we planned, but the wedding was great.

Well, Claire, that's an incredible story. Thank you so much for telling us.

Can I give a quick shout to my friend Rosa? She was the one that got me started listening to your podcast in the first place, and she convinced me to submit my story.

Of course. Shout out, Rosa.

It's so nice talking to you. Yeah, nice meeting you. Thank you. Have a good rest of your day. You, too. All right.

Bye-bye.

I said good. This guy...

He looks like a bozo.

Yeah, he does. He looks like an absolute bozo. I feel, though, his life could have gone in so many directions. It went in the bad- With that face? Yeah. It has some promise.

I mean, he's not unattractive. Right. But he looks like a fucking dope.

Yeah, he does.

Maybe it's the orange outfit. It's hard to know. If I put my thumbs over the orange, well, that does improve things a little bit.

His hair is nice. I mean, especially in a mug shot, I think you look the worst you've ever looked.

True. He looks like a lot of guys from my town.

Yeah, I think that's maybe what I see, too. It's like, I know that guy. He went to my high school.

These guys are a dime a dozen. Hi. Hi. What is that? A Cardinal shirt? What is that? Blue Jays?

Blue Jays.

Are you up in Canada? Yes, I am. Were you born and raised?

Yes. And I'm not going to say a boot.

I bet you might. You might get flowing and it'll come out. Maybe. Yeah. I was just a few hours south of you in Detroit.

Marysville, Michigan, was where my grandparents lived. So we spent a lot of time there and a lot of time at Cedar Point.

Oh, of course.

Because you have good taste. Oh, Dax doesn't like Cedar Point anymore. Not even true. I don't know if you've heard. He's moved on to Dollywood.

That doesn't mean I don't love Cedar Point. It means I've added Loving Dollywood.

You said you think Dollywood is the best- Might be the best music park in the country.

Have you been to Dollywood?

I have not.

Worth the trip. It's in the Smoky Mountains. Very beautiful. So you have a crazy wedding story for us?

Yes, I do. So it was in 1997, so quite a long time ago. Our wedding date was November the 15th. It's chilly, but fall leaves. It was going to be beautiful. We booked this beautiful park. Day before, massive snowstorm. Everything Everything breaches to a halt. Now it's Friday. We have to rush around and try and get all the rentals because nobody's delivering anything. So that works out okay. We managed. I was working as a chef at the time, so I was able to gather the things that we needed with the help of a lot of people. So the day of, things start to go sideways pretty early in the day. We get up in the morning, it's still snowing. So now we have nowhere to take our pictures. We reach out to different people. We end up booking a pool hall to get our pictures taken in. Do we play pool? No. But all of my wedding pictures are pool hall-themed. So we get to the church, and I'm so ambitious. I'm so confident I have this long train. I'm going to make this dramatic entrance. As we're walking in, my veil gets caught in the doorway of the church, and so yanks my head back.

My dad thinks I'm balking now. I don't want to go through things. So he's dragging me down the aisle, get to the front of the church. We're missing quite a few people because of the snowstorm. I look over at my now ex-husband, and he is sobbing. I don't mean sentimental sobbing. I mean, Oh, fuck, sobbing. Oh, no. Like, What am I doing?

Panic sobbing.

Oh, regret sobbing.

It's awkward. I'm still smiling. I'm like, Okay, what's going to be fine? The minister leans forward and says, Should we continue?

It's that noticeable.

So my ex-husband says, Yeah, okay.

I guess we're here.

I guess if we have I'm too sure.

So we continue. He apologizes after everybody's talking about the crying. Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

Did you say, Are you okay? What's happening? Yeah. And what did he say?

He couldn't talk. He was sobbing so hard. Oh, my God. Trying not to take it personally, but you know.

Yeah. Worst day of his life.

Then we get to the hall. Things are going a little better now. He seems a bit more relaxed. People are coming in. Now, my mom, who's now passed away, was a bit of an addict. She shows up to the wedding. Now, she was separated from my stepfather. It's my biological father, my stepfather. They're amazing. But she shows up with her boyfriend.

Oh, nice.

Oh, boy.

Plot twist. Her boyfriend is the ex-husband of her cousin who's also at the wedding.

Oh, wonderful. It's turning into an episode of Jerry Springer quickly.

It gets even more Jerry Springerish as we go. We notice he also brings his three delinquent children with him, 19, 20-year-olds. I've never met them.

They weren't invited.

Here they are. We're sitting at the head table. We're trying to keep an eye on that shit show over there. Over here, there's a tablecloth catches on fire. So spontaneous combustion.

There's a poltergeist at the wedding.

There must be. We get that under control. The night's going on. My maid of honor is just like, I don't know what to do. It was crazy. Then what happens is there was a group of baseball players. So my ex-husband was a baseball player, and so some of his buddies came up and told us that they found these kids, the boyfriend's children, in the coat room going through coat pockets and purses.

Great, great, great, great.

These guys bounce them out of the hall. They've gotten away with what we think is a few checkbooks, some loose change. We're not too upset about it. We can deal with that later. Because we kicked them out, my mom, who's now hammering, she's mad, and her boyfriend's mad, and they are freaking out. She marches up. So her way the hall was, picture a school gymnasium with the stage at the end, which was where the DJ was. She marches up on stage, gets a hold of the mic, points at me, and says, You are a fucking bitch.

Oh, my Oh my Lord. To her own daughter.

So now is the point where I'm like, I'm going to dip. I'm done. I don't think this is a great idea for me to be here. And in the meantime, now my stepdad is rushing the stage. So Jerry Springer.

Yeah, he's going to get her out of there. I would have said the baseball player is to '86 her. We got another customer, Booter.

This isn't going the way I planned, obviously, between the crying and the stealing. My maid of honor, her and her husband, offer to drive us to the hotel. So the hotel, for context, is the most popular hotel at the time. All the brides and grooms go there to have their lovely wedding night. We go out to get into the car, and there's a... I don't know if you guys have it there, but we have these things called a ride program. And so basically, it's a drinking and driving checkpoint.

Oh, okay.

So they've set up this police officers and cars, and they're pulling everybody over outside of the Ukrainian Hall in Hamilton on a Saturday night. They're cleaning up.

Yeah, guess what? Everyone's had something to drink.

We get by it, we get to the Knott, and we're in the elevator with these two other lovely couples, brides in their beautiful gowns, and everybody's happy, and I'm sobbing. My ex-husband's awkwardly just looking around like, Oh, God, this day. He's already living with regrets.

Oh, man.

That night wasn't any fun. The next day, we come to find out we had a wishing well at the wedding, so people put their envelopes with money in the wishing well. The rotten children had stolen the wishing well.

No. Rotten children. Oh, my God.

Well, they're really rotten children. I mean, they're stealing at a wedding.

We tried to get a hold of them. Our honeymoon, we had planned to drive to Horseshoe Valley. Power broke down on the way. It was one thing after the other.

How long did this marriage last?

Off and on, 20 years.

Oh, that's long. Wow, that's an unexpected answer.

I already had a couple of children. I had a child, he had a child, and then we had three children together. So no regrets there.

Yeah, you got three beautiful kids out of it. What happened to the Rotten Children? Are they all incarcerated?

Yeah, actually, a couple of them ended up going to jail. She didn't end up marrying that boyfriend and this Rotten Children.

So they were your stepbrothers for a minute. Yeah.

Isn't it so nice when your parents prioritize their boyfriend's fucking children who they don't even know. Isn't that so flattering?

That was great.

Jesus Christ.

That makes for a great story.

Thanks for chatting with them.

You, too. Amazing. I'm sorry you had that wedding, but I'm delighted to meet you for it. All right. Take care. Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Hello. Hi. Is this Jake? Jake, where are you?

I am in North Carolina.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is crazy. Okay. We had a South Carolina, a North Carolina. Canada. Canada will throw that one out as an outlier. And then another North Carolina.

You all are getting married down there.

Well, this did not happen in North Carolina.

Oh, it didn't. Okay. We rescinded that then. All right. Yeah. Tell us about it. Wait, are you wearing a Red Bull shirt? I am, yeah. Yeah, Max Versteppen's God.

That's right. I was an avid listener of F1 with DRS.

Oh, I appreciate it.

This is actually about my wedding and my wife's. A little bit of background, we both grew up and still are Roman or LDS, grew up going to nine hours of church a week or so.

You did a mission?

I did not. So I guess not the whole nine yards, eight yards. But we met when we were in school, dated for a couple of years, decided we wanted to get married. We were both really excited. And we scheduled our wedding for the end of the summer so that we could live together when the semester started, and then we could do a little honeymoon. And we structured our wedding day so that it was the temple in the morning at 9: 00 AM so that we could get the most amount of pictures outside because it was hot. And And then we had a brunch with friends and family, and then we had a three or four hour block, and then our reception later in the day. Before the wedding, we had rented an Airbnb for the day of so we could hang out during that three or four hour block. And then after the fact, we could sleep there, and then honeymoon was next day. So the day of the wedding, I roll out of bed, probably 8: 15, 8: 30, and I can get there on time. Wife's awake at 5: 00 AM doing her hair and makeup with her friends, and she's having a good time.

No problems. You, Letterday Saints, are an industrious bunch. Waking up at 5: 00 AM to get the hair and makeup done. Oh, but that's wedding standard.

Is that standard? Is that wedding standard?

I think that's wedding standard.

Okay, that's too early.

I mean, it was at 9: 00 AM.

Yeah, it's at 9: 00. It's only four hours. It's early. And all the bridesmaids have to get their makeup and hair. It's a whole thing.

Okay.

Start of everything goes pretty well. Temple goes well, pictures goes well, no issues there. Brunch is fine. And after brunch, like I said, we have our three or four hour little block. So we decided we're going to go hang out at the Airbnb for a little bit.

And you were virgins? Yes. Oh, my God. So I know exactly what I'm doing the second I leave temple.

We talked about it the day before. We said, Oh, should we bang right here in this couple hour block? She was like, We've waited so long. Let's just wait till later. And I'm like, No problem. But we get to the Airbnb, we're hanging out. We both change into some sweats. And as we're changing, we open the suitcase, and we both make eye contact. And then we see the condoms in the suitcase. She says, Should we just do it? And I said, Yes, of course.

Yes, we should have done it a long time ago.

I would have said anything to get in her pan.

Of course.

Things start progressing, and she says, Yeah, we can do it. Just make sure my hair and makeup, make sure nothing gets messed up. And I said, Yeah, of course. A hundred %.

Definitely. Yeah, I'm so good at this.

I definitely know how to do this without doing that.

That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not going to come in five seconds, but anyways, let's go.

That's right. Things start happening. First base, second base, third base. I don't even hardly last a second or third base, so we're there.

Sure.

And then it's time for the main event. I'm like, Okay, great. Put a condom on. Takes me a second. I've never done this before. Put some lube on, put some lube on her. We're like, Okay, you ready? She's ready. We probably spent 2-3 minutes just trying to find the right angle that doesn't hurt. Yeah.

Angle of approach, as we say in off-roading.

Bless her heart. I'm sure it still hurt. And looking back on it, it definitely did not feel how it feels today.

Well, these are the first-time experiences. This is what happens.

Neither of us knew any difference. We were having a great time.

You ended up in her butt. Is that what we're saying?

No.

Oh, I misinterpreted that. It hurts the first time. Okay. I heard a lot of lube, and I didn't know the angle. I got a little confused. I'm so sorry.

We're in the right hole. Okay, great. Things start moving, and 20 to 25 seconds later, I'm approaching the finish line.

By the way, real quick, she's also glad it's that fast. The first time, it hurts. You just wanted it to be done.

A couple of thoughts run through my head. I think, Okay, I shouldn't finish inside. She's not on birth control, so I don't know if the condom is going to break. So I think, Okay, that's out. So I think, Okay, I'll pull out and I'll finish on her stomach.

Yeah, wonderful. It was romantic.

Yeah. The thought of pulling out and finishing in the condom didn't even cross my brain. I pull out, I whip off the condom. And again, there's no communication with her at all.

I blast off.

When I say blast off, the amount that came out, I have never seen before or since.

This is 23 years in the making.

It was absurd. But the first blast hits the head boar, probably a foot above her head.

This is a real Spider-Man situation.

I'm like, Okay, let's point it down a little bit. Second third blast hits her directly in the face. Oh, no. In the eyes, nose, mouth, hair. No. Third blast hits her in the neck, in the hair. Fourth blast somehow is stronger, hits her again in the face. Oh, no. That's so strong. And then all the subsequent blasts hit her in the stomach.

Why are there so many blasts?

It's 23 years.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. And then in this 10-second span, a lot of things happen. I get super dizzy, and I lose hearing in my left ear, just the left. And my wife, like I said, hit her in the face, mouth, nose. Some of it got in her mouth, and she can't really breathe. So she immediately starts gagging and wretching, and I'm still out of it. She immediately starts throwing up on the bed. And she's stumbling around because some is in her eyes. She's trying to make it to the bathroom. She throws up on the bed, in the hallway, on the floor of the bathroom and finally makes it to the toilet.

Were you guys like, this is why they told us not to do it?

They're like, yes, sex is horrible.

Yes, no wonder.

We knew it was going to be bad. We didn't think it was going to be that bad. But when I come to, I go in the bathroom and I try to console her. She's crying, laughing, throwing up. I'm confused because I was out of it. I try to help her clean up as best as we can. And then we both freak out because some of it dripped down and got her in the lady area.

The lady area.

So we're freaking out and we're like, Oh, no. Is she going to get pregnant? We door-dash a plan B, and she takes that. And spends the next three hours trying to fix her hair and make up. It was a tough scene.

Now, okay, so later that night, you want to do it again, I bet. Yeah.

Yeah. But she doesn't.

I don't think we did. I don't really remember. But what did happen after we got to the reception, she cleaned everything up and she looked great. And one of her friends came up behind her and was like, Hey, you got something in your hair. And I was like, Oh, shit. And she had a big dried thing of semen in her hair. No.

Yeah, something about Mary. You have some gel in your hair, honey.

Yeah, that's a classic.

Really, the icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for three days of our honeymoon. She was in a bad spot. But that's actually where we started listening to Armchair Anonymous.

No kidding.

Wow, it really worked out for us, I guess.

There you go.

How long ago was this? Three years. I imagine you guys have had lots of beautiful lovemaking now.

Yeah, took us a second. We got it.

Throw up.

It was a set piece. In a comedy, I could have made five minutes out of that whole sequence easily. Great.

I love it. The victim's here. Can she come and say, I'd love to see this poor Gail.

This is so cool. There's the victim.

We had a marital sma who would tell this story better. I said, I would tell it better because I was the victim.

But he said, No, I'll tell it better. You need a first-person view.

But then he ended up submitting the story, so he got to tell it.

He beat her to it.

Oh, well, he did a great job.

And he was specific about the amount of sprays. That was all really important detail.

Lack of communication.

You must have been thinking, This is Why do people do this?

At first, I was like, It's got to get better, though, right?

We started at rock bottom. You can't go much lower.

I was mostly just worried about the rest of the wedding day.

I was crying. I was like, It's my wedding day and all my hair and makeup is messed up. I was like, This is the worst. We should have just waited until after all the wedding festivities.

Don't you think, though, a lot of people at the wedding, they've been in your position, they've done this exact same thing?

We got some side eye as we were leaving the brunch. We were like, No, no, no, no, no, and everybody- Yeah, they knew.

They could feel it.

They know. They know. There's something as disgusting as the story is. It's so wholesome. It's sweet. Isn't it? It's like very mixed messages. It's so endearing, yet it's disgusting. It's nasty. I don't know that I've ever seen even in pornography, that volume and in duration. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys. This was fun. You're an adorable couple. We're big fans. Oh, thank you.

All right. Have a good rest of your day. Have a good rest of your day. You, too.

Oh, that was a blast. Wow, that was good. That was really good.

That was a blast. Pun intended.

That was a pun intended.

I intended that pun. I didn't really.

Oh, my God. That is humanity. It's tough.

That story shouldn't have made me horny, but it did. It did? Yeah, a little bit. I think the excitement of he started naked for the first time, she saw him naked for the first time, they were putting that off. That must have been so exciting. That's funny because that didn't even cross- It made you want to never be in that situation.

No. Well, it made me not want to have uncontrollable semen. Just- Fucking semen? Yeah, like, fuck it. And you don't know where it's going or coming. That's fair.

That's fine. I wouldn't enjoy that either. I probably put myself in his shoes more than hers.

But it does like, oh, the anxiety before the first time. It's really cute. They were so cute. They were such a cute couple.

They were very cute. All right. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of on Jerry's, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rhymeish, on the fly, I rhymeish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the WNDRI app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wndri. Com/survey.