Transcript of E545 Stavros Halkias

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co founder of Angie. When you use Angie for your home project, you know all your jobs will be done well, from roof repair to emergency plumbing and more. Done well. So the next time you have a home project, leave it to the pros. Get started at angie. Com. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian. He's a podcaster. He's an actor. He has a new film called Let's Start a Cult that he both co-wrote and starred in. He's got his own podcast, Stavi's World, and he's one of the hottest young comics in America. I'm grateful for his time today. I'm grateful for his honesty always. No one else I'd rather be sitting down with than Mr. Stavros Palpias.

I know me, and I will find a song I've been singing just for.

Hey, whoa. Why did it going, man?

Why? You can see it.

Yeah, it looks so slick, huh?

Thanks, man. Yeah. Going with a slick back.

Wow.

You like it, bro? Yeah. A little fucking aerodynamic.

It looks very... I'm trying to think of what it even makes me feel like.

I love it. Explore that, bro.

Like a principal, maybe? Yeah, maybe. Principal at a very unique school.

We don't give grades, man.

Yeah. Yeah, you don't give grades. There's... Shit. I need some... Socks.

Dude, I think it's a good look.

No. You can't throw ankles out, dude. You can't give me-Sorry. I feel homeless. I just felt some wind hit him. In my first thought was, I've worked too hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. I got the thigh shot. I give out the whole leg for free, brother.

Yeah, but you have good legs, man. Thank you, bro.

I appreciate that.

Yeah. Do a lot of people from your culture have good legs? I think so.

Yeah, I think so.

It's a leg because even the pillars, yeah, that's a part of it.

There's a lot of hills. Greece is very hilly. I think people are.

The hills have thighs, dude. Over there.

They really do. I think that helps. Yeah.

Because you see a man like that, it's like, Oh, this is a structural man.

Sound. I am structurally sound. You're not shaking me.

You're not shaking me, bro. No, you're not like that building 47 or whatever. No, no, no, no, no.

Or whatever that is. Seven? Was it building seven?

Which one is it that keeps falling down?

Tower.

Tower Seven.

Tower Seven. Yeah. The one that we can't exactly explain or something.

Yeah, some guys are like, Oh, it's a great time to just fucking three blocks over just to drop this one. All right. I see what you're doing, man.

Wouldn't have happened if it was made out of Hellenic marble.

Yeah, out of some strong Baclava. You can't shake Baclava either.

As far as desserts go, Very structurally sound. Structurally sound. You're right.

Stavros Halkias, dude, you have a new movie. The movie is...Let's.

Start a Cult.Let's Start a Cult. Yes, sir.

Is it your new movie, is it What's it? Is it a 12 Years a slave type of thing? Is it a Lincoln lawyer? What's the- Those are your two references. Or what's the arc of it?

12 Years a slave, which is like a serious slavery drama that won Oscars for the Lincoln Lawyer. Just a middle of the road, Matthew McConae entertaining movie. I think it's... They're both good movies, by the way. Lincoln lawyer, pretty good.

12 Years a slave was a little long. They could have done it. They could have done in eight years.

Nine years of slavery.

Seven Minute Slaves.

We didn't need to see all 12 of the years. Yeah, dude. Come on.

The last two years, it's like, we get how this goes.

We get it.

But, yeah, what's the story arc? What do we expect it?

Yeah, dude. It's way less, way smaller for budget than those two. Honestly, the movie is I just love dumb-ass comedies. The stuff we grew up on, the Sandler, Spade, Farley, to Will Farrell, to all that stuff that was just silly as shit. The first movie I was obsessed with was Billy Madison. Just like, goofy, technically a premise, but it's like, would this ever happen in real life? No. But we just need it's there to just as a skeleton for jokes. Let's get goofy, let's get silly, let's get a bunch of funny people in it. That's what this movie is, dude. It was like, I just wanted the opportunity to make something that I loved and I don't consider myself an actor. I'm a fucking comic. Comedy movies, I think, are an extension of just like, I'm not trying to make a good ass movie. I'm trying to make a fun time, 90 minutes. I'm proud of it. Don't get me wrong, it's not It's not fucking dog shit.

Yeah, but it's not like Amistad or like- No. I'm trying to get something else I've seen recently. No slavery.

I don't know what's going on with your references. No, sorry.

Amadeus, maybe? No. Bridges over Madison County or whatever like that. Sure.

I didn't see that one. The Bridge to Theribetia. Oh, you saw that one? That's a child's movie. I saw that as a kid.

Something happens to somebody, I remember.

I haven't seen it since I was a child. Is it like an allegory for something wrong?

Well, someone's handicapped. I remember somebody was trying to do The Life of Jesse, Bridges to Terabeetia, and Adolescent Changes, when he befends Leslie, the class outside of the Children Created Imaginary World, called Terabeetia, which is inhabited by all manner of magical-So basically, no, it's not like that either.

It's not like the Bridges to Terabeetia. Yeah.

Okay, so it's not like that.

It's just fun, dude.

And I think like-Yeah, funny movie, good comedy.

Funny. You turn your brain off. No lessons. You're not going to be a better... You're You're not going to be a better or worse person. You know what I mean? You're just going to have a good time. You can get high as fuck. You know what I mean? You can make some popcorn. You won't miss plot points. You might want to go back and see if you missed a joke, but you get the movie. You You know what I mean? The whole point is, basically, the bullet point is, what if a guy was so annoying? His cult committed suicide without him. They left him out of the final ritual, and then he tries to start up his own cult, and that's the like. I'm that guy. I'm the fucking annoying idiot who's just with a heart of gold, classic, classic comedy shit. We meet a bunch of funny people. We have really funny comics Bobby Kelly is in it for a little bit. Tom Papa is in it for a little bit. A lot of really funny. Just like Wes Haynie, who co-wrote it with me and Ben Kitnik. It was basically like me and my friends got a chance to make a movie, and I was like, Yeah, fuck it.

What the fuck? No one lets me star in a movie. You know what I mean? You just got to do it.

Yeah, it's nice to have a movie where it sounds like you can just go look at a movie.

Go look at a movie, and the jokes are... I'm not trying to make any commentary on anything. I'm just trying to make you laugh. It has been... Even some of my favorite movies, towards the end, they all had weird lessons, or they just got... Even 40-year-old Virgin, it's weird an allegory for virginity and saving yourself from it. You can read into a lot of those movies. You cannot read into this movie. There is nothing. There is no subtext. It's a It's a lovable fat guy getting into hijinks for 89 minutes, not even 90. You'll be out. You'll be out. If you fast forward through the credits, we get that to 87 and a half.

That's what we're talking about.

Nothing like a thick guy coming in short. Absolutely.

Okay, so I get the movie, and they need good comedy. It's like you need it. It's like you go to a thing now and it's like, some stuff, it doesn't even make you laugh. You're like, What is this about or whatever? Then everybody at the end is handicapped or something like that. You're like, What is this? You know what's like, Elliot gets a rainbow or something.

You're like, What is this?

It's like the guy always has a heart transplant, but his new heart is like a It was like a libertarian or something.

Now he's like, I'm going to kill myself because I would rather die than have a heart that's against public school systems or something. No one will be committing sapuku at the end of this movie for their political points.

It's called Homeschool Heart, that movie. It's a movie where somebody gets our transplant, and that heart was a homeschool teacher.

Was a homeschool teacher?

That would be crazy, wouldn't it?

That would be fun, yeah. It's It's both sides. Even independent movies, it's like, I don't know. I'd love to talk about just more comedy stuff, too.

Yeah, but this is interesting because it's a new time where someone is making their own film.

Well, that's the thing, dude. I don't know how you feel, but I feel hit the jackpot of all jackpots. I never thought I'd be fucking podcasting. You know what I mean? I wanted to just do comedy. I never thought I would have to build my own fan base to just make a living and then got really lucky. When you get lucky, what do you do with it? I've never been the person that just wants to chase. I don't want to get super famous. I don't want to get super rich. I want to be able to make the stuff I fucking love. That's what this It's like, I think there's some people who... We have a chance building our own fan bases where it's like, we can make what we like. Instead of trying to desperately get into a mainstream studio system or Not that I won't make a fucking studio wants to make a movie. I'd love to do it. But instead of waiting for years, I think a bunch of a generation of comics found out you can go through the internet, make up a fan base. Then it's like, what do you want to do with it?

For me, it's like, let me just fucking make a fucking movie. The way no one... It's stupid that I get to sell out theaters. It's stupid. I get to make movies, but that's what I want to fucking do. Instead of just being broke and trying to be an actor and all this other shit, it was like, I know at least some people will see it. My fans will see it. Hopefully, some of your fans will see it. That's the cool thing about building a network where it's like you just hit up your friends. I got on NPR because the lady liked my movie, a lady on the weekend thing liked my movie. But it's like, we don't even have a mainstream way to put it out there. I don't know, man. I just think it's cool and it would be sick if people just started doing that shit. If you started doing whatever you're passionate about because you have this fan base and you've built your own thing. Tires is like that. That was really inspired.

That was the best thing. That was once something amazing about tires. It was like you heard jokes on there for the first time. There was jokes about everybody. It was just normal stuff you would probably hear at a very alarming rubber shop.

Yeah, it's a bad tire shop.

You're like, God, this place.

Exactly. It's like no one's saying that that's the only comedy that has to exist. You know what I mean? I want to see shit from everybody. All of it. But it's like, go make your own shit. Everybody gets to make their own shit. That's why my version of that is just like a goofy ass.

Let's Start A Cult.

Let's Start A Cult, and it's on VOD. You can rent it, rent it or buy it right now. You can do that right now. By the When you find this out, you can go rent it. You can go buy it.

But right now, they can get it.

Yeah, and it's like- It's a VOD.

What is that? I know it means video on demand, but where? What does that mean?

Apple, Amazon, just wherever you rent.

You can go to Amazon, put in Let's Start A Cult, and you can watch your movie. Exactly. Now, what's that price point? How do you all figure that out?

I don't actually know, but hopefully low. I'm trying to get it out there. I'm trying to get there.

What do you mean low? You're talking 999?

Yeah, maybe lower even than that. I just want people to see it.

Yeah, I get that.

But you're right. I I think probably 999.

If somebody's like, I can get this, or I can get some McNuggets. It's not that they're going to debate, but two or two. But then they're like, Hey, I want both for 1499.

Right. So you want to fit in there. Maybe we should talk to McDonald's. We could do a tie-in. You remember those glass cups for Batman? You remember those, dude? Those were sick. Batman, I believe, Batman Forever, which was not a good movie. It was like the Jim Carrey.

I forgot that he was Batman.

No, he was the Riddler.

Oh, he was the Riddler? Yeah.

They had those glass cups. Oh, wait. With those, yes.Oh, yeah.You remember those, dude? Oh, yeah. I had the fuck out of those. The two-face ones?

But one loser shattered one of those in the fucking ball pit.

And ruined it. People were dealing with that. Yeah, that one. That one's an iconic one, the Tommy Lee Jones one. That movie was fucking awesome. The one after it with Mr. Freeze was even more awesome. They had Joel Schumacher, who was just the gayest guy of all He's the man. He's a great director, but he made it fun as shit. Those movies sucked coming off the Tim Burton Batman's because they went from dark and moody and cool and comicbooky to truly the campiest. It was essentially Batman going to drag brunch. People weren't ready for that now, but throw those on now, you'll have a great time. You'll be like, Wow, this is so over the top. But it's fun, dude. You know what I mean? They got jacked guys. They got sexy ladies just parading around. It's very fun. Alicia Silverstone's Batwoman, Batgirl.Oh, I remember her.She's looking pretty good.

When did this happen? Because I saw the one with Hugh Ledger. Keith Ledger? Keith Ledger. Yeah. Then I saw the one where it was like the two old guys in the cave running around. Remember that one? I don't remember that one.

Batman and Robin. Batman versus Superman? Were they on a rock or something? Batman and Robin.

Yeah. Can you bring that up?

Oh, you mean the old-ass ones?

Yeah, the one where they're running around in the same cave over and over again. With Adam West? Yeah. And one of the guys-Oh, there you go. Yeah. And one of the guys is like, I'm Batman. The other guy is like, I'm just here. I'm here for the party. That guy.

Well, they were actually part... Adam West was absolutely getting pussy in this era. He's notorious for fucking and sucking. Really? Yeah, and I believe-With men, too?

I don't think men. That long pussy?

Is that what man ass is? Is that his long pussy?

I think they call it that. Because, dude, if you look at it, Wiener is just long pussy.

Oh, you mean the dick is long pussy? Yeah, like an invert. Okay, I thought you were the ass.

Oh, yeah, dude. A wiener is just like a pussy that's reaching for something. Look at this guy. Now, this just looks like any... This looks like...

It's awesome. He refused to shave his mustache, so they just painted it over. This is how little they gave a fuck about the Batman TV show. The guy was like, I'm not shaving my mustache. They're like, We don't give a fuck, man.

He's like, I got to play tennis tomorrow. I'm not shaving this fucking thing.

But Burgess Meredith, who played the Penguin in this and also played Mickey and Rocky, I believe him and Adam West were absolute coos hounds. They were just fucking so much in these times. By that, I saw TikTok about it, and I love to think of that.

Well, they didn't even have condoms at this time, did they?

I don't believe so.

When did condoms really start to- No, they probably had them, but they weren't using them.

You think? There was a luxury good. It was a fancy thing. They probably had I bet you cavemen were putting their dick in sheep's intestines not to have children at a certain point.

Oh, just to get it out of their system?

I think they just figured out condoms pretty quick.

Condoms have been used for centuries but became more popular at different times for different reasons. 18th century, condoms became more well known and the market grew despite opposition.

Opposition to condoms. That was the first time the church was like, This is unnatural. Absolutely.

The church was against them.

I promise you, the church is against them because they got a nut. The whole point of life is procreation. For them.

Mother Nature was probably against it. Nature has to be... Because nature wants things to have sex. Sure. That's what nature needs that. I wonder if nature put that in the minds of people. We can't stop it.

Yes. You mean Mother Nature...

Mother Nature planted that thought into your head. Or she's not going to let that not... That's her only goal. It's to smash and party.

But is it people, though? Because people were doing her harm. Maybe Mother Nature wanted condoms so rabbits and plants and shit could fuck and bring back the ecosystem. Because we're fucking polluting, especially if this is the 18th century. Mother Nature, probably. The industrial revolution happens. We start polluting shit. She's like, these motherfuckers are no good.

Yeah, we got to get them out of here.

We got to get them nutting inside of plastic bags inside of pussies instead of free and clear.

Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, it started to become this... Oh, look at this. It was like blue blockers for sex. 19th century. Go on. What we're going to say despite opposition, they were sold in pubs, theaters, and barbershops.

When the lineup's so crispy, you know you're going to get pussy.

You're like, Now this?

That's a good marketing ploy. It is, huh? You're going to need one of these, pal. I like you. I'm so nice. It really is. It really is.

Good day, sir. Then you get a bad cut and the guy's like, You're not going to...

We'll say this. We don't have enough. We have eight for the whole city. By the way, wash it out and then tie it back up when you're done. These things are expensive.

I know. You see them on the clothes line? Those are the days.

Don't nut in it too much.

I know. Hey, come on over. I stole my neighbor's condom, man.

Yeah, we'll go half on it, going half on a condom with your boy.

Tonight, tonight, Judy.

I'll be like, Dude, jack off before you fuck. I don't want the first nut of the day going in this thing. We need the second. The weaker one goes in this one.

We got to keep this foundation on this thing, dude. This thing can't handle it can only handle about seven PSI.

It's not rated for the first nut of the day loads. It's not rated for that.

That's crazy. Then 19th century, it says, Rubber condoms became popular. However, condom use was mainly limited to the upper class due to a lack of sexual education. The working class is, wow.

That makes sense.

For sure. These people can barely... If this guy's making shoes all day, Yeah, he's cobbling. Yeah, he's cobbling. Or would cobbling be a hierarchy job, you think?

You mean they're in the shoe factory? The cobbler is a-An artisan.bespoke, yes, artisan. You're right. Yeah, he's probably somewhere in between the two. 19th century, so we're talking the 1800s. You still got both. You still got comblers and shoe factory workers.

They wouldn't let them have condoms?

It's a little bit of both, I would say, where it's like the education keeps them not understanding how useful is. So the working class working class kids. Working class women have to have kids earlier. They're trapped. They don't get to fucking... I mean, it's a classic thing. The working class always gets tricked in this fucking... In all of human history. While the fucking the barons fucking suck. You know what I mean? They're on their fucking couches. They're on their Shais louanges. Yes. The factory workers, they don't know any better.

But then they're just letting them have sex and make more factory workers, which seems bizarre.

Well, that's good for, again, the upper classes. They want disposable working class people in shitty living conditions. What do they care?

Right. If people have more kids, it keeps them in poverty because then they have to spend it to take care of the children.

And they get more workers, and then wages go lower.

Keep them going.

Keep condoms just for the rich. Yeah.

Condoms in 1950s and 1960s, condoms became a popular birth control method with 42% of Americans of reproductive age using them for birth control between 1955 and '65.

That's about To bring it full circle, that's when Batman, I believe the first Batman was shot. They probably mixed it up. They probably had condoms. But those guys looked like raw doggers to me. I think Adam West. Can we do a little research on Adam West's sexual history? Yeah, bring that up. I think Adam West and Burgess Meredith, they're old-school guys. They're not putting on condoms unless absolutely necessary.

What do you say?

Well, look at this, Adam West. His stories of romantic conquest, including the Infimus Night with eight women. Wow. Have become the... Yeah, this man-Part of lore his life and career.

While some might view West's candid revelations with a mixture of astonishment and disbelief, they also offer a glimpse into the complexities of living under the spotlight.

Yeah. Oh, wow.

Sounds baffling.

Real tough. Got to fucking suck before smartphones. The Lord knows what Adam West was up to. There was no way he was fucking-He had that bat phone, didn't he?

Sure. Hey, what's that?

He used it to get in. Mayor, give me the woman with the largest tits in Gotham ASAP. Bring her over to my trailer. You got it, Batman.

He just signs that bat light just across into his neighbor's apartment. It's his fucking dick.

He has a bat light, but he also has a dick light. I don't know whether he's horny or not. Bam. Squish.

The crazy part was when they would... They had to run like this or something?

Yeah. Well, they would go up a wall. They would pretend to go up a wall, and they literally just put the camera up sideways. It's pretty fun to watch it.

Yeah, we need more stuff like that. But we just need more stuff that's entertainment.

More goofy bullshit. Yeah. No, we did not have as much sex on the...

I don't think- Is there a love story? Is there a love arc in there?

I will say there is a sex scene. Really? There is a sex scene. It was probably my favorite. I wrote the movie, like I said, with my friends.

Of course, you write in a sex scene, dude. I used to. I used to have acting class, and we'd have to do scenes and stuff, and I would always bring a scene where there's possible making out. That's hilarious. Sometimes it would just be two people are walking and they're in an argument, and then for no reason they kiss or whatever.

You wrote it. She was always like, This is crazy. Like, Yeah, it is, dude. Janet presses her tits against Mark vigorously. They're like, Theo, don't add actions, please. I just think it should be clear. I think it should be clear it's a vigorous tit press. I had to-Now, you had a sex scene.

Wow, first one you've ever done? In a film or something?

Yeah, I think it was.

I mean, without hiding your phone on a cabin across the room?

Without being like, Oh, yeah. I don't know why that Teddy bear is blinking red. That's I'm going to go, Turn it off. Then you just put a fucking piece of black masking tape over it. I'm trying to think because I will.

Yeah, how did it take place? Was that a nervous day?

It was weird, man. So yeah, there is a sexy... I don't want to spoil too much, but it's a wild one. I will say there was an intimacy coordinator, and that's the person I felt bad for the most because this person's job is if you're ahead of a nude scene. If you're nude, so Some lady has to put a little rubber triangle around your dick and balls.

Really? Like one of those bibs you get at a crab joint?

Yeah. It has a lobster with a fork and a knife in its claws printed on it. It is honestly not that far off from that, though. It's like a plastic thong, essentially. No.

So you're naked that day?

Yeah, perhaps I am. Perhaps I am.

I'd be so nervous.

Yeah, it sucked. And it's like, you know.

And the person's naked, the woman?

I won't divulge who... I'll just say I'm naked. Okay. I'm definitely nude, and a woman has to tape, literally tape my dick and balls to this fucking thing because you want to look naked, but you don't want people to have to look at my dick the whole day. You want to put a plastic sheet over it. But this woman's job, anytime that thing, like, slipped, she had to just get in there. Just this poor lady, man.

Really?

She had to retape my shit up.

She's just cutting edge with it.

It's like the way they would tape up your ankles at a high school football game. She had the same demeanor. It was just like a grizzled You're going to be fine. I've seen worse.

Yeah. He's a couple of M&Ms.

It was tough, but… Wow. No, dude, I fucking…

There's a lot of little layers in the film, huh?

Yeah, there's a lot of Again, anything for a laugh. You might never get a chance to make a movie again. So it's like, let's fucking, let's leave it all out there. You know what I mean? The way there is always, I love, again, I used to love when there was over the top sex scenes in those movies we're talking about. I was like, let's put one of those. There's some other physical stuff. I had to run a lot, which is hilarious. Really? I didn't think about it.

Any acrobatics or anything for you?

I wish. Next time, dude. Next time, I'm going to fucking spend a year learning how to do a back Flip.

Or the cartwheel that never stops.

Yeah, that would be sick.

That Greek cartwheel.

That would be awesome.

Just fucking rattle that bitch. Just eliminate the Albanians with it.

I would love that.

That's just a joke, Albanians. That's not getting into it. That's just a joke, Albanian.

That's just a joke. One of my dear friends, that's the classic racist thing to say, my best friend is Albanian, which is actually true in my case, but it's the classic.

What was the budget of the film? What does it cost? It was 750K.Wow.Yeah..

It started at 200K. We did it with, I want to say, Dark Sky Films. It's a smaller production company. They've done a lot of cool shit, a lot of cool horror movies and stuff, but lower budget stuff. They were just fucking awesome to work with. They just saw a short that we did, and they thought we were going to write a one location because the short takes place in one place. But we were like, If you're going to let us make a movie, we're going to There's going to be wild shit in it. We pretty much pushed it to the amount because it's such a weird... You also learn so much about this shit where it's like, if you go over-What did you learn?

What was the number one thing you learned? Well, I mean-I'll interrupt you. If you go over what?

No, one of the things I learned is that you can't really go over a certain budget because then everything becomes more expensive and you have to get more... Just for union reasons, you have to get more people involved. It becomes a harder job. Whereas the lower budget you make a movie, they allow you to... A lot of people can do different jobs. Obviously, you have to follow certain rules and you can't overwork people. But there was basically a limit where they were like, Look, if you spend any more of this, we have to pay all the actors more. We have to pay everybody else more. We pretty much lost. I mean, I lost money.

So you put some of your money in?

No, but just not work. I took... I canceled dates. You know what I mean?

It was like...

Your time cost. Totally. I'll I'll probably lose money just traveling to promote it and stuff like that. But again, who gives a fuck? It's about making cool shit, and it's like, I'm not starting for money. But yeah, you just learn a bunch of... You also think a movie is going to be this fucking actor is fucking talking about each scene and shit like that. They're like, Dude, we have fucking 12 minutes to get this. Oh, it's actually the most crucial scene in the movie?

Well, good luck. This dog has to be asleep in a half You're like, What?

We're putting the dog down. We're putting the dog down unless you nail this scene. I'm like, Huh? Yeah, it's just cheaper to put them down. Union rules. I don't know, bro. Either nail the scene or the fucking shitsuit gets it. I didn't want to kill a dog.

You shouldn't have fucked with a teen stuff. You're like, Here you're going.

Do you think you'd be able to make your money back? I think so. We did pretty well. We didn't do crazy. We had a release in theater just because I just think it's important to see.

Yeah, no. That's what's amazing about it. It's this, we had Kevin Smith on and he's done this. But now it's certainly that there are creators that have their own world and they want to make a film sometimes. Me and Spade wrote a movie, and we have a chance to do it. We're finally going to do it. It just took forever to get it together. Nobody in Hollywood wants to finance or anything, but it's cool to see people just making their own stuff. Yeah, dude. That's why I called you even last week, and I was like, Hey, tell me about this. I just want to know. Because it's just brave. You're trying something.Thanks, man.It's what you want to do. Nobody can tell you what's supposed to be on the script.

The only limitation was budget. For me, I think that's so much That's so much cooler, and you get to actually be an artist about it, not to fucking suck my own dick. It's a movie about a fat guy, and you see my nuts in it. It's not like I'm fucking, again, we're not making-We see both your nuts in the movie? I will also mention this. They didn't let me show my real nuts, which is a big problem for me. Well, how much is it- Because the nuts looked little, and I have pretty nice nuts.

Foundation.

I have a nice foundation. Truly, the dick is more of an monumental piece, but it's like the little star at the top.

The dick is the nose, the long The dick is the nose. The nuts are the lungs.

Absolutely. They go deep. They go deep. They go deep, and they're full. Deep breath, let's just say.

The lungs are the heavens, brother.

I got Michael Phelps' lungs. I got a nice capacity on those lungs. Nose, not so much. Cute little button nose.

Michael, yeah, dude. More of a... It's nothing a snowman would look.

No, it's not a Michael Imperiali nose. It's very...

It's almost like a burn victim nose.

Yeah, right. Again, yeah. Shaved off. They've made it out of a little ankle bone. They took a little ankle bone, and they're like, Look, we'll do our best. Yeah, it's a Valdamort situation. More of a cat's nose.

I've got a penis like a cat's nose. It's cold and wet.

Yeah, I mean, I guess It's cold.

It stays up all night.

It stays up all night. Yeah. It'll bother you. It'll bother you all night. It'll fucking bat your eyes out of your face while you're resting. It'll keep nudging you until it give it a little attention.

It'll beat a jingo about a death on your Christmas tree.

Wow. But I didn't get to show my real nuts, which is a prop. But again, these are the artistic sacrifices we have to make sometimes.

No on Prop 24. That's right.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, but that is crazy. And there's Michael Phelps has small nuts. You cannot...

I bet you he's got a nice pair. He's a large guy. He's a huge guy, though.

Nut to the fucking...

They show... Okay.

Are you going to have big back tires on You're a fucking swimmer?

I think he's got a nice pair, dude. No, he doesn't.

Look at this.

No, I will not. I bet you he's tucked them underneath his ass.

You have to almost tie them in your ass.

There is. Okay. There is an image, I believe. They tried like Wow, look at that. He's fucking jacked. He's probably got a... I mean, he's a big dude. He's got a nice pair. Now, I would say probably size to size, pound for pound, I think I have pretty nice nuts. Oh, yeah. And not weight. I'm talking about frame. Okay. We're not going to go. We're talking about what my body should be on the... Because nuts, that's a big disadvantage for the fat man. Titties get bigger, the fatter you get. Dick and balls stay the same size. Is that true? Absolutely. My dick got plumper, the fatter I got. That's almost beautiful. I'd be so fat. That's time of year. Yeah, the leaves change. The nuts are getting plumper with every slice of pumpkin pie. Every helping of squash, your fucking dick gets a little bigger. No, your dick got bigger, the I were you are, I would be 800 pounds. You would have feeders trying to get Dicks as big as possible, which doesn't happen.

But I think you want those smaller nuts. You want less drag if you're a swimmer. That's not a big thing. I think Roy Jones Jr. You know? Yeah. Dude, why don't they have Roy Jones Jr. Men's?

That's a great idea. Roy Jones Jr. Mints.

You're not even kidding anymore.

They'll knock out bad breath. Done and done, dude.

Something chocolatey that knocks out bad breath.

Yeah, I love that. Just a hint of chocolate.

Well, so that movie is out now. People can go check it out.

Yeah, please go see it.

Congratulations, man.

Thank you, dude. Yeah, I think it's cool to support. It's obviously my movie. I believe it I believe in it a lot, but it's like, anytime creative people that you like make shit outside of a system, I think it's important to go support that shit.

Yeah, well, it's like a new realm. Also, some movies that are billion dollar movies are horrible. There Ryan Gosling with him, my mom and I went and saw. It was horrible. I went and saw something the other night. It was a Chance in Time or something. Can you look it up for me? We Live in Time. There you go. Well, here's what I don't love about it. Is that bad?

I like those actors.

It was sweet. It was cute. But every shot was so close on their faces. After a while, you're like, Where's all the money they spend on set? You can't even see the set. So what starts to happen for me, I notice in movies is, they shoot things so tight nowadays. It's just this. And your brain, there's no... Like your imagination, if there's more going on, your imagination has to process things on the screen. So your imagination is interested in what's going on. But if there's nothing to even really think about, it's so dumbed down, everything is this tight, you just start to lose interest because I think there's a part of you that's not working. It's like when they shoot comedies now, it's like they shoot everything so tight and it's just about... You don't see people's body language stuff. I feel like they miss out on a lot of things just because they think we need it to be so simple.

Yeah, well, I think that is another thing that I learned about movies which I didn't think about at all is that it is such a visual... You think it's about the writing, you think it's about your jokes, and especially being a comic, you're like, It's all about the writing, it's all about the jokes. You don't think about it's a visual medium. It's a bunch of interesting pictures pictures strung together. Ultimately, it's what it is. It was interesting to talk to our cinematographer and a scene that I thought was pretty straightforward, just two people talking, where you're describing just faces. He's like, No, let's fucking play. Why don't you guys lean on the car? Why don't we make it a little more interesting? That was a fucking sick part of it to like, Yeah, because you don't think about that. I just think about the jokes, and I just think about my words getting laughs. Then it's cool to watch a movie and be like, Oh, you just do something with your face, and that's a laugh. You just fucking, you run funny, and that's a laugh. You know what I mean? It's like, that was a cool thing.

Again, I love comedy so much, and I'm just trying to figure out every way to be funny. I think, yeah, what you're saying of making it interesting, having the visuals being really interesting, that's a huge, a huge... Again, it's a cool learning experience, and that's what I... I don't know if you feel this way, but it's like, that's the nice thing about learning you shit is just how can we be funny? The time I I felt the most engaged in my life was when I was in open mic or learning how to do comedy. It's cool to get the chance to make a movie and feel like, I don't know dick. I'm a fucking dumb as shit. Let's figure out how to make all this stuff.

I'm a recovering Greek.

Yeah, I'll never kick that. I had a yesterday, bro. I had a yesterday, dude. I'll never.

Sorry, man. I thought you had some time under your belt.

No, no, no, no, no.

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That's out now. It is. That's out now, yeah. It's the 2025. Oh, it's already out. You can already buy it, the 2025. Look at the calf on the sky. You like that, dude? Look at the-It's popping.

Kettlebell you're hiding there.

It's popping, brother.

Yeah. Wow, you got that Rogan head down there.

Nuts and calves. That's all I got. Oh. Fat nuts and calves. And is this real? Yeah, I'm on fucking Mount Everest right there. That's me. That's some beautiful... Some of it's real. Some of it is the work of my brilliant producer, Benjamin Buttecheeks. Benny Buttecheeks, Ben O'Brien, who also directed my He helps me with the calendar as well. That's Square Timber, of course.

The Get Headsby, that's you right there. Wow.

Now, if you zoom in on those, there's a lot of fun in the background.

A lot of fun things to see, right? The set, right? It adds to it.

Moby Cough. Do you-Less Jizzables. Wow.

Oh, the different books on their bookshelf? Yeah. A lot of Easter eggs in here.

A lot of Easter eggs. A lot of Easter eggs. Then we have Halloween right there.

Oh, yeah. This is very Chelsea Lynn. She has a calendar as well.

Yes, I saw that she had that. I've been doing a nude... This was the first thing that was successful in my career. Before I had anything going on, I sold a nude calendar when I was basically a feature. I was opening for Bobby Kelly, and dude, this was the first thing that ever made me money. I've been doing a calendar for legitimately, probably, I think nine years.

Really? Yeah. Okay, so you were doing it before Chelsea Lynn.

I used to print them myself. I used to sell them out of my fucking Honda Civic. And now it makes a shit ton of money. But I would make a couple... Back in the day, I would make a couple of thousand bucks, and I was like, I'm fucking rich, dude.

The headliner starts to hate you, dude. He sells you. That was always a thing, the headliner and the feature selling stuff.

Well, that's why, I mean, Bobby was the man, and he knew me, and I was like, and he was cool with it. I also would just like, I would just fucking sell it on Instagram and mail it personally to people. For sure. I had no... Hold on. Just sell it out of the back of my I would be headlining, shitty little fucking, like a restaurant in Frederick, Maryland.

It would just be 12 Polaroids, a year, a car, whatever. You just wrote a different month on each one. But If you only had a lead in Polaroid, it's like January, February, spring, June, July, August. Do you ever audition other men to be in it? Because I was wondering if there should be more... I mean, you do a great job, right?Thank you.But would there ever be the possibility to creating something around the idea of getting other men in there?

Interesting. A diversity of body types. I don't know. I've never considered. I did think at one point to make it a collaborative calendar where every month there's a guest that's a different type of person. Maybe men, maybe women, some non-binary motherfuckers, just some different body types.

Yeah, he's Sagittarius, whatever, dude. Yeah, he's Sagittarius, whatever, dude.

Yeah, get them all.

Barbecue lovers, whatever.

Yeah, for sure. Some centaurs. Oh, yeah.

Half- Short legs. Long life.

Short legs, that is true. The taller you are, the quicker you die. Is it?

That's what I'm saying.

Timber. Short people live longer. Bring them down. Enjoy all that pussy 6'6, guys.

Must be nice, dude.

Now, I'm not going to go into the obesity metrics right now. We're just going to I'm just going to keep it just on height.

I'm going to take my wins where I can get them, brother. This is not about me, dude. This is not about me. Some people say fat, some people say foundational.

That's right. A good foundation. You're not knocking me over in the wind.

It would be cool if you got guys on there. You can get a lot of union workers.

Sure. I would love to get... Yeah, you're right. I should get...

Lay them down, put some grapes on their chest.

Yeah, absolutely.

Dude, grapes will That'll Greek out any union worker. Sure.

I think they're close. I think you show them a little... The most hard-edged union worker, you show them a little bit of the forbidden fruit of what it can be like to be a fat... They would trade in a heartbeat.

Some Ruben-esque cement.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. That's what we should figure out here. We should set up a situation where it's like, look, we got DMs coming in. We're not going to be able to fuck everybody who wants to fuck us. We I don't want to fuck everybody wants to fuck us, right?

What do you mean? What are you saying?

I'm saying both of us, I feel like, have... I'm sure you're the... I don't check my DMs too much.

You have DMs coming in, you're saying? I'm saying young ladies that want to check those women you can date.

Young ladies that are attracted to a style of guy. Older ladies. Older ladies across the board. We're not going to fuck all of them. We should be able to find, in my case, Rubenesque union workers. In your case, I don't know exactly no guys that run rehabs or You know what I mean? You guys are on reabs or I don't know exactly.

I've been on for a couple of free 30-day stays. I'll tell you that.

But you know, little mullet guys. You know what I mean? Theo-style gentleman. Yeah.

Neighbors of farmers.

Neighbors of farmers. Yeah. They don't do any farming themselves, but they got the same zip code. They got farmland zip code, but they don't own a tractor.

But they'll sit on their porch and look at the other guy's place and be like, Oh, look at these soil over there. So, yeah.

We should be able to hand them off some of the DMs. That's all I'm saying. I think that would be a nice thing to do.

Yeah, like donate a DM to someone.

Donate a DM, almost like create love You know?

I would love to see a dating site if you would put one together.

I'd love to do that. I'd love to host a dating show, actually. That would be awesome.

You'd be so good at it. That could be maybe your next movie. You host a dating show, and then you find love somehow.

I love that. A little romantic comedy.

Yeah, I remember you saying one time about one of the reasons that you got in a company was for dating, right?

A lot of guys do.Curely, without question. Okay.

And I think maybe-Is that still a good reason? Do you feel like, what's that involved like a little bit? Or to get laid? Does that work? And what's the danger? Also of having sex in some places, some regions of the country.

The regional dangers of coitus?

Yeah, I'm just saying if you're ever in the bus belt.

Well, you can't let it fly like Adam West used to. That's true. I'm definitely using condoms. I'll put it that way. There you go. I guess the dangers of the bus, you don't want to get stuck in the bus belt. You can have a nice visit, but you don't want to be a father that has to check in, court-ordered once a month at the bus belt. That's the biggest danger.

It I'll ask you if it's a layover to get to your child. How many children lose out on a father because there's a layover?

Because Jet Blue doesn't want to fucking fly direct to Akron.

Oh, dude. And we just used Akron in a joke last week. It was just crazy that you did as well. Because we did a show in Akron.

We did a show in Akron. Yeah, we were there at the same. That's why I thought of it. That was fun as shit.

It was fun. But yeah, what are the side effects now as you see that? You've been out in the world over there.

Sure.glazing. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Glazing the different-Literal glazing, not the metaphorical, like pumping somebody up.

Yeah. You mean actually glazing?

Yeah, just whatever they call it.

Letting it fly?

Yeah. Filling the man, doing the manicotti.

Yeah, filling the manicotti up. Yeah. You've been more... Cream in the canole.

Yeah, absolutely.

I Got you, brother.

But yeah, what does it look like over time? Do you feel like... Oh.

Because that gets-Not good. Not good at all. I mean, that's something I'm facing. I don't know if it's head-on. I don't know if It's one of those things. There's a couple of things remaining in my life that I feel like I need to conquer, and that's long term health. I took a lot of time off and I lost some weight this year. I lost like 45 pounds. But in the month that I've been shooting tires, promoting the movie, doing stand-up again, fucking I've gained 10 pounds. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Because you look more organized, your body does.

Thank you. Yeah. It was a mess before. It was like when you go, remember, that show where they would open up a random storage units. That's what my body was like. You never knew. Once the shirt comes off, you don't know what you're going to get. You know what I mean? There's a little more... Now you open up a storage unit, at least it's got some rusty shelves that all the stuff is in, in little boxes.

It's some Curios. It's a cabinet of Curios. There's a little something.

Absolutely. I've been working out, and so I still am lifting weights and stuff, and I feel better. I literally city-biked over here from Queens.

Yeah, because you're a little wet when you got here.

I was like, This guy I had a sweat. I was fucking city biking listening to Sexy Red, the InSexy We Trust, a lot of bangers on that. Nothing like listening to Bad Bitches when you're working out, in my experience, because it puts me in that head space.Oh, I see. Of that like, there's something a little more... Sure.

She's back.

I love She's Back. Honestly, the one about the gentleman being outside, I don't remember which one it is. It's like an anthem for the gals to get ready. Maybe it's Outside. Outside. Outside, yeah. It's basically a song about, Hey, gals, look real hot. There's a bunch of sexy gentlemen outside. Even though I don't want to fuck the guys, I could gender flip that and be like, Fellas, there's whores to be gotten. Let's fucking put on our nice shirt. Let's get out there.

There's opportunity to meet these gals.

There's opportunity to be gotten.

Yeah, because I'll go in the bathroom sometimes at a bar and there'll be guys in there and I'll yell, Fucking piss and get back out there.

Boys, come on. You've been shut down three times in a row. Actually, maybe go home now that I think of it. You're fucking the vibes up. I just thought about it for a second. Please leave. Both the ratio and the vibes are being fucked up by you.

I'm more like a you pissies-esque rant when I'm in there. I'll just start telling them-You rally the boys?

Yeah.

Get back out there. What do you mean? What What do you mean you're coked up, you're a little quip?

Yeah, what do you mean? There's no way your dick works.

Remember people used to slap people like that?

I really want to do that once in my life.

The three stoogies, you could be in one of the three stoogies, brother.

Absolutely. I would love to. I would love to do some physical comedy, but I would also love to bring one of my friends to his senses when he's having a psychotic break with a nice, get yourself together, man. That would feel awesome. Yeah.

Get to get to stuff together, man. The markets are closed. Yeah.

That's It's what you used to take. You didn't have to send someone to a fucking mental institution. You slapped them once in a public street.Simpler times.Different times. Did he go home and hit his wife? Not deal with any of the mental issues? Probably.we can't say. We don't know. Maybe it is better. Again, on second thought. There wasn't a lot of accurate reporting back then. We don't know the numbers.

What was that like? You took a year off stand-up.

Was it a year? It was about six months, but I didn't tour from February until I had one date.

But you still practice or no?

No, I didn't do any stand-up. The thing that sucks is it was awesome. I felt peaceful. I didn't have to travel every fucking week.

It's called being unemployed.

Yeah, exactly. It felt like that. It was great. I would go on long walks. I would go to the supermarket and just see what was on. It's like, What's on special today?

I had like a- I've never heard somebody say, I'll go on long walks through the supermarket.

To the supermarket. To the supermarket. Not through. No. I'm like, Here's this guy who's fucking- I'm pulling up to a fucking Safeway and I'm hitting all the aisles at the grocery It's like, Oh, what do you mean there's not a mile marker by the Graham crackers? The way they have old people walk through malls, they have fat people walk through grocery stores. I'm like, Come on, these are your favorite things, little buddy. You pass the ice cream eight times, you get a lick, you get a fucking thing, a whole halo top. No, I would fucking walk by the water. I was in Baltimore. I would take long-ass walks. I would buy one piece of meat, grill it up, eat it with some veggies. It was a beautiful, beautiful It was a simple life. But I also love... That's the other thing. Then I did stand up, I was like, damn, this is awesome. But I think the lesson is to not do three things at once. It's a lot. I think next year when I tour, I'm not doing anything else. Right now, I made the of going from nothing to tires, the movie coming out, stand up, back to my podcast.

I have a tour that I'm announcing. I think actually, probably if it comes out next week, it'll be then, but the Dreamboat tour I'm doing a big all across-On the water? Yeah, that would be fucking sick. I should have done that. I should have chartered a sailboat. But no, it's more of a metaphorically, the dream boat tour.

Can you imagine fucking chartering a sailboat to go to your shows?

That would be fucking awesome.

Where is Star Wars? He's on the horn. The Horn of Africa, the Horn of...

Yeah, he got caught. The gales of November came early and caught him. He's marooned off of Vancouver Island.

Off the Seychelles. Yeah, he only sold 40 tickets near the Suez Canal.

But he's still got to go down there. He still got to go. He still got to go.

Are the Greeks the Blacks? Some people say that the Greeks are the Blacks of Europe.

Who are these people exactly?

Bring up someone. Just Google. No, people say that all the time. I'm serious, man.

I love that.

You'll be wandering past an olive shop, and you'll hear the door will open and you'll hear somebody yell.

Are you talking about your internal monolog feel? Are you talking about every time you see a Greek person?

That's what you think? I'm just saying there is a lot of people call them Black Olive. That's all I'm saying. There's a lot of conversation about Black Olive.

Sure. Hey, I'll take that with pride. Black people are the cool... They're the culture drivers of America without question. In some ways, I guess that's maybe ancient Greece, what's democracy, if not the original hip hop? You know what I mean? How everything filtered out from that the same way...

Love it when you call me Big Sour for teeth.

Yeah. The same way music has been taken from Black people forever, everyone's been taking our shit between philosophy and democracy from ever.

.

Was that the Roman Empire?

Don't be a hater. Fuck Rome.

Fuck Rome. No, no problem. They took our whole shit.

Some people think it's in Greece. So don't kill art.

That Louisiana public school system.

Cheaper globes.

Cheaper globes. If they're from 1830s, 20.

30 countries.

They mash Europe together. So no comment on that? I say I'll take that. Like I said, I had a I'm going to talk about my special where if you think of it, really, I think Greeks are probably the most light-skinned Arabs. It's really what we have more cultural... We're pretty similar people. Loud, you know what I mean? Like loud, flashy, you know what I mean? But I think British people loved England, or England loved ancient Greece so much that they were like, We got to make them white, because then white people were... You know what I mean? Like, ancient Greece was white. When in reality, I think we're probably light-skinned Arabs. Very loud, touchy-feely. You know what I mean? It's the same vibe. The gold jewel. I'm wearing jewels. You know what I mean?

Something. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, warm, intense people. We're less... I feel like...

Like grape.

What's that? Like grapes.

Grapes is a very Middle Eastern food, isn't it?

We'll take grapes. Dates, all that type of shit. Oh, yeah. A date's nice. Me personally, I like that That style of woman as well. Nice curly hair, big nose type of situation. Anywhere from like, you go Spain to the Middle East.

I met a beautiful Greek girl one time in Florida. Oh, okay. And got popped a couple of wiener pills. This is early when the gas station We just had them.

Sure, sure, sure. We had to ask for them. What are we talking about? Stre Overlord, Rhino?

This was before Rhino.

Wow.

This was like, I think these were Healthy Dose or something. Yeah. Or the last captain I think one of them was called. It was like, these were hopeful ones.

Love it, love it, love it.

I remember I took a couple of new new kids, and then I was trying to make... I was scrolling, my nose started bleeding right on her chest, dude.

What a shame. That could have been your wife, dude.

She was so cool, too. She's something about a curly-haired woman, dude.

I agree. I actually...

My favorite. Yeah, you know they're crazy if their hair had to come out like that.

You would have been a great 17th century doctor. Well, you can tell she's suffering from bouts of insanity. Look at her hair. Look at the wave in her hair.

My God. Look at the print out here. She's lying.

Look how far apart her eyes are. That's a space for deceit. That's the deceit zone right here.

I guess she's just holish. Let's calm down. But they look at... It's like a lie detector test or whatever?

Yeah. What else is going on? Wow, the bone repeals, huh?

Bro, I took them most of my life because I just had so much anxiety.

Oh, dude, believe me. I'm lucky that I only caught the tail end of the gas station era. Those were horrible. Now, you can get them online pretty easily. But I also, in between, one time, I convinced I had an old Italian doctor, and I convinced him I had some other... I read He said that if you have some prostate issue, you can also take Cialis to relieve that. I just read it as like, I was doing my research. Yeah, for sure. I was like, Dude, I think my fucking prostate is fucked up. Hacking up. Yeah, my prostate is acting up.

It's picking up radio stations.

Yeah, and he was like... And he had to put his finger on my ass. And he realized the prostate was fine. But then he was like, Okay, I give you the cup. He knew what I wanted, which is also like, why did you have to put your finger up my ass? But I guess he just was hoping I was onto something. And then he was like, Listen, I give you this in no more. But he was like, he knew I was 20.

He had short fingers, wide fingers, though.

Like, come on. He was fucking awesome. He just gave me a couple of dick pills, and dude, those were like, that was my Holy Grail. I had a sample pack of Cialis, and I fucking...

When those sample Cialis and stuff hit the streets, they were breaking people's windows to get those. When I first went to college, I went and lived with my buddy's dad. He had a Viagra prescription. He lived in a one bedroom apartment.

Where the fuck were you living in the on the couch. Yeah, that's awesome.

We would take turns, like sleep on the couch or the bed, right?

You and his dad?

The reason I did was because he got a boner pill subscription, right? So I could nip it off a little. Siphon a little, yeah. But he only got eight of them, and I'm like, Fuck, it's so hard to steal off it.

Steal out of eight is a tough- Because you can the third day, you can pull one.

He got drunk, he got drunk. He took two. He got no. But then you have to cut one directly in half. How did one just get taken in half.

Yeah, you got to take it in half. You got to make that last.Oh, yeah.

You got to make that last. You got to make that last.

That's a fun Passover parable. It was horrible. Making the one dick pill last twelve days. Or whatever, just nibbling on it just a little bit.

We had one can of oil and we made it last for 64 days.

Yeah, one dick pill, 100 milligram Viagra. We made it last for 12 weeks. We each took one lick of it. Me and my friend's dad.

Shabbat Shalong.

How long? Yeah, Shabbat Shalong. How long were you living with your friend's father?

Six months, one semester of school.

God. How were you graced that semester?

Here was a crazy part. We had a wall. There was a half wall. It wasn't up. It was a loft. The bedroom was a loft, and then it was a living room. It was a nice building. They did have a pool in the building. That was pretty cool. I was learning to play guitar at the time, and so I would go in there. Every now and then, he'd have a check, stay overnight, go in there and play Teasing.

The song about Eric Clapton's Son Dying.

That was about?

Yeah. That's the song you would play while the guy was getting pussy. It's about his fucking son falling out of a window.

What? Yeah. No way. How was his son? Was he in the military?

No, he was like a little ass kid, dude. It's a tragic song. Oh, dude. Sorry.

I'm sorry, Eric. Is that what happens to live?

He's alive, yeah. Oh, man. So your friend's dad, who's giving you shelter, is getting pussy with one of his eight Viagras, and he has to battle that Viagra's up against that old man's LED and the saddest song, one of the saddest songs of the '90s. A poor rendition, by the way. There's no way you were good at it. You're butchering it, and it's sad as shit. Bink, bink. Oh, sorry. Bink, bink, bink. Bink, bong. Oh, so my bad. Bink, bink, bong, bink, bink. Would you know Like me.

But I would go in there, and one time after they would request me to come back in. You were the music for them fucking. Well, they'd have usually post-coital, they would bring me in. Post-coital. I also then eventually played Every Rose Has It Thorn. I rocked that for him a little bit. And I did eventually a Widespray Panic.

Okay, nice. Yeah, that's good, man. That was the three songs spread?

Chattel and the Light. Yeah, I'd fucking rattle that. A very poor rendition. A lot of hand beating on the fucking- Sure.

Bunk, bunk, bunk. Yeah, try and dress it up. You can barely play guitar.

Nibble on a Viagra to keep me going.

Like a mouse with a little beats of cheese.

That dude was hammering, dude. I was having so much sexual issues and shit. He'd be in there just fucking… I'd almost have Jason to send him in there. I'd be like, Just go up the hill, man.

Come on. Climb up his bunk bed. Climb up the top bunk.

Turn around.

That's a very interesting living room.

It was crazy.

Roomade dynamic.

We had an eclipse. His son had an eclipse because this dude was struggling. His son had an eclipse. Mitsubishi? Yeah. Mitsubishi Eclipse, but it wouldn't turn off, right? You couldn't turn it off. So you had to just...

Siphon gas?

No, you just had to keep putting gas. So we keep like... Hold on.

It never turned off.

You could, but you'd have to... Fuck, it was so hard to get back on. So we would just... We'd keep extra cans of gas at the parking space. We had an underground parking space. Yeah, that was it, but it was a green one.

That's a nice car, man. I remember the Eclipse.

It was a green one, and it had good rims on it, too. I don't know if they have that. Oh, not that green. That is very...

More of a sea foam?

Yeah, I would go with that one to the right of the vertical one. Left, left, right there.

Nice.

Something like that. Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. I'm not Not as nice as that, but it's something like that. But we get the idea.

But that bitch, we would keep a couple of cans of gas because it got great mileage.

You could fucking keep it going.

I don't know how good the mileage is if you have to keep the gas just to keep it running.

I would drive that bitch over to... I went to Loyola University. I'd drive that bitch.

Loyola where? In New Orleans.

In New Orleans, yeah. Since you kept it running, you could park in a weird spot and be like, Oh, the guy's just coming and going.

How long would it be there idling? Fucking two hours.

I'd be in class. I'd be in class, dude. But it was nice. Right when you got to it, got right in. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

You don't have that hassle of doing this, turning your fucking forefinger, one inch.

But it was a flex to the lady. Damn, that guy's a chauffeur.

Keep it running. It's him. It's you from the past.

But that's Instead of chauffeur. Instead of chauffeur, no. Sorry, guys, my ride's here.

My ride's here. No one stole it, huh?

No.

They respected the eclipse.

I guess. I mean, sometimes I'll put the flashers on. I think it's like there's a lot of reverse psychology there. It's a lot of General Sherman.

Hiding in plain sight.

Yeah, very much. Very much of the ongonquin, how they behave.

I love the idea. How old was that guy at the time? Is that depressing to think about?

Probably 52. Okay. Handsome, pretty good at tennis. He had some-He could wear short shorts.

Love that.

He's a foundational guy.

Plus-size guy? Middle-size. Middle-size, mid-size. Yeah. Love that. I see.

I love to drink his vodka orange juice guy in the morning, even. Morning drinker.

And I guess a divorced man? Yeah. If he was hammering.

I lived with his family before that.

Through the divorce? Yeah. And then he got you in the divorce? He's like, How the fuck did I end up with my son's adult friend in the divorce? This bitch got the house. I got Theo playing fucking Tears of Heaven while I'm trying to keep a heart on.

And meanwhile, you could barely hear the song because there's a Mitsubishi Eclipse.

Riding outside the window. The fumes are coming up through the underground garage. You have fucking poison. You have CO₂ poisoning.

Oh, man, dude.

That's fucking awesome. That's That was crazy, dude. Was that your weirdest?

That was probably one of my craziest living situations. But I always lived for cheap, man. I slept in my buddy's bed for probably seven months out in Los Angeles when I first got out there. I lived in this little cupboard that was in a living room. They had these two cupboard doors, and it was three feet high, four feet wide.

Just the bed?

No, there was no bed in there. It was just a floor, right? But it was long and it was probably eight feet deep. It was perfect. I'm going to bed, get in there like a bird, little bird house or whatever. Sometimes I come out right on the hour. But I was always sharing, dude. I slept on my buddy's floor for $150 in college in a sleeping bag, and I'd fucking yell at him, complain about shit. But he needed the money.

It's so fucking funny. I did this, I similarly, I convinced my friends to give me a shitty room in their house in Baltimore. I lived for 300 bucks a month. I had a room. They were just like, I was literally living on the... My go-to meal was beans and eggs. Oh, yeah. I would bake them and put them on one sheet, and that way I could just use the sheet as my plate. I wouldn't have to do dishes. After I'm done eating the beans and eggs-Into the washing machine.

Yeah.

Direct into the washing machine with the condoms from the 18th century. Hanging off the fucking clothes line.

Don't mind if I- Don't mind, no. Please hang them. Let the neighbors see. That we're fully operational over here.

No one eighth of a Viagra needed.

This episode is brought to you by Better Help. Better Help. When your mental health is unsure, you know what it's like? You ever been driving a car and one of the tires is shaking? Well, sometimes that stuff is happening in your brain or in your emotions or in your attitude. Just notice when you got a bad wheel on your carriage, baby, on your brain carriage, when you got that baby wheel on there and that thing shaking, buddy, rattling. It leaves your whole brain a rattle. If your brain or your feelings or how you're operating in your world are uncomfortable or they're not keeping your ride smooth, well, better help can help. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist at any time for no additional charge. Let the gratitude flow with better help. Visit betterhelp. Com/theo today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, betterhelp. Com/theo. There are some things in life that are okay to be a total crapshoot, like trying a new type of milk in your coffee or maybe trying a pasta sauce that you're not familiar with.

But finding the right doctor shouldn't be a total crapshoot. And with ZocDoc, it's not because you've got more options than you know. Zocdoc, that's what I want to tell you about. It's a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors, choose the right one for your needs, and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in-network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty. From mental health to dental health, eye care to skin care, and much more. Plus, ZocDoc appointments happen fast. Typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same-day appointments. Hooray, ZocDoc. I hate waiting for appointments, man. I've used ZocDoc, and it's helpful. You should stop putting off your doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc. Com/th to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's zocdoc. Com/thio. Zocdoc. Com/thio. What did I see in the news? Oh, I saw. Did you see that Mark Wahlberg restaurant?

Wallbergers?

It burned down, though. He had a new restaurant. A fancy one? Let me see. Mark Wahlberg's new restaurant in Las Vegas burns down opening day.

Open day? Wow.

Mark Wahlberg was excited about today because he's supposed to open up his new restaurant, Fletcha Cantina.

Fletcha. It went up in flames just hours ago. Check this out.

This is town square, and it's obviously fully involved with fire here. We have gotten a ton of emails to this station inviting the cameras out because Mark Wahlberg was going to be there around 4:30.

Oh, no. You can see the flames inside.

They were going to get the oversize scissors out and welcome everyone in for the grand opening.

Oh, no.

Obviously, that's not happening.Wow, they defrauded, dude.

You think that's just a plate of fajitas that was sizzling too much? You think that got a little out of control? That's a great point. Do we know it's not just a really intense fajita? It is Fletcher Cantina after all.

Go back and show that window right there. That does look… Yeah. And they spray that flavor on it, smoke or whatever.

Like, grease, we have… Yeah, Come on. Maybe a Flambé. We do a Saganaki, Greek people, the cheese you set on fire. Oh, yeah. A lot of different stuff it could be. I don't think we should draw conclusions right away.

Yeah, dude, that's crazy. I thought it was a burger shop he was doing, but that's wild. They're doing Mexican now.Walbergers.Fletcha. Yeah.

It doesn't sound... I got to be honest, it does not sound appealing. Fletcha. It sounds too much like flesh.

Fletcha? Yeah, if you're just a regular person, I'm going to Fletcha.

Fletcha Cantina? No, thanks.

Yeah, it's bizarre.

Cantina, I'm okay with.

He's done some interesting things. He had an alcohol, but then he said he didn't drink, and then he came out with a tequila, which I thought was wild.

Interesting. What do you think that's about?

I don't know. I think it was just when celebrities were coming out with tequilas.

It was purely a business move.

Yeah, like when George Clooney came out One time I was in Toronto, I'm sitting there. It's probably 12:30 or something AM. Just sitting on my computer in the lobby, dude, hoping to meet my wife or whatever.

You're in the lobby at 12:30 on your computer.

Desperate for attention. Probably. I don't know.

That's fucking awesome.

I can't remember why.

After a show, you're just there.

I think I was doing shows. Yeah. Got you. I was just hanging out. Because it's funny. After shows, you don't want to go to bars and shit. It's like you go to a bar, you're going to see a lot of people in the show. It's going to be overwhelming. Definitely. Then if I don't drink, it's hard to be there. It's like there's nowhere usually to go.

Sure.

No, that's true. Restaurants are closed, usually. Then you can go to a gas station, sometimes ice cream, or your hotel. Sure. But I'm sitting there and I feel something on my neck right here. I'm just fucking Mark Wahlberg, dude.Pretending.

To have a gun?Yeah.

He's like, Caught you slipping. Or however.

You have failed the Keep it on your channel or caught lacking challenge. Yeah. Yes. You failed the Caught Lacking Challenge.

It was like that. It was by Mark Wahlberg. I was like, Look at this fucking Boondocks saying out here. Was he in that movie?

He was not. Oh, damn. He was not.

One of the joke didn't land.

But he does embody the spirit of the Boondocks saints. He thought he was in it. Without a question.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He thought he was in it. But I said that, and then he invited me the next day to his tequila opening. He was actually really nice. He had a nice group of friends, really chill.

He seems nice, but it's also like that level of Fame where people start to go in a polite way. It doesn't seem sinister, but it's insane to wake up at 3:00 in the morning to work out and play golf. It's just crazy. 3:15, yeah. 3:15, wake up, pray for one hour. I know, whatever this... I don't know if you... Yeah, 2:30. I mean, that's not a time to wake up.

2:30 AM, wake up. 2:45 AM, crypto prayer. 3:15, breakfast. 3:40 to 5:15, workout. That's a long workout.

That's a lot.

Post-workout meal, only 2 hours after breakfast. That's wild. Shower, he gets an hour and a half for shower.

That can't be real, right?

Hey, dude, I have definitely Taking some sad showers.

Yeah, but that's not when you're a regimened. Planning an hour and a half shower. You don't plan an hour and a half showers. You're so fucked up that you take an hour and a half shower. I've taken some of those, too, Theo. I'm not judging, but that's when I'm hung over as fuck and I'm like, Should I just fucking do drugs at 7:00 AM? You're spending 45 minutes convincing yourself not to take pills. That's what those long showers are, man. They're not thinking about the Lord and my fucking bicep girls.

I can't sleep. I'm so high, I should go in the shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe if I'm in the shower, I won't purchase a prostitute. That's what that shower is. Maybe if my hands are wet, I can't fucking use my phone, so I won't fucking buy a pussy and hate myself the second I nut. That's what that shower is about. That shower is not reflecting on your 3:15 AM breakfast.

Look, we're cross-promoting our own lives here with yours. Yeah.

We're not talking about Marble, but this is from ours. We're putting a little of the personal into this rip.

Yeah. This has got to be wild. But you open a restaurant, dude, opening day, and that thing cooks.

That's crazy.

But I'm trying to think of anything good burnt down by us when I was growing up.

Oh, any good fires? I don't know if we had it. I only have hate crimes in my neighborhood, which are not fun to talk about. Just idiots that didn't understand that Indian people weren't... After 9/11, some fucking idiot in Baltimore- Did an Indian person? Yeah. They just burnt just a Sikh guy who wore a turban. He's like, he's Osama bin I'm going to fucking burn down his fucking mini Mart.

You're like, that's fucking... That guy's a librarian. That guy runs a 7/11 in the library in the middle of it.

Yeah, literally. He was a fucking nice guy.

I just went to a nice Indian restaurant here the other day called Bungalow.

Nice. I love that. I like a nice Indian. Yeah, there it is.

Oh, Vikas. Vikas is the chef there.

Vikas.

Dude, he let us sit at the chef's table. They put a little table.

I love that.

Right by the kitchen. It's fancy, but it's not crazy fancy. I got to hit this guy on the podcast. It was just fascinating to eat Indian food, learn just about some of the energy and why they have certain things.

That looks awesome.

I'll check it out. It was a ton of Indian people. He said a lot of Indian people don't go out to dinner because a lot of them cook at home. They always believe their cooking is better than other places.

I get that. I understand that.

I do not believe that at my place.

Well, what's the traditional-Casadea smoothie. Yeah, a slim Jim quesadilla. That's what you grew up on. And nobody can make these better than my mom. Owl meat, fried rice.

A little bit of squab in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

From the holidays, get a little bit of squab.

Maybe a nice possum rib roast.

A little bit of pigeon, we call it. A little bit of fucking sidewalk oysters. You know what I'm talking about. What were we just talking about?

The Indian people will not go out to eat.

Right. But that restaurant was really great, man. Went there. That was cool.

I love it. I was in England. I was in London, and I had Indian food, and it was so incredible. Yeah, they're there. Yeah, well, that's the one upside to the fucking the British Empire.

It's like if they-They brought Indian food along.

If they fucked up India, the least I can do is go enjoy a nice meal as a result. They're there either way. Yeah. But it was good as fuck.

You'd be a good Indian, I think.

Thank you, man. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that.

100%, man.

I've got some Buddha qualities.

I just think, yeah, they would harold you.

Well, they do respect the cow. So I have a bull, like a bull.

Yeah, I think they would just... Yes.

I have a bull.

You could be an Indian sumo wrestler.

I would love that. Yeah. We could start that.

Back in one of your another movie is like, you go to to be the first Indian sumo, right? Put you in some semi off-brown face.

Yeah, I don't know about that. I don't know. Yeah, maybe I'll just get a nice tan. I can get pretty crispy, dude.

Can you?

Greek Mediterranean blood. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's what happens. I get such a tan that someone mistakes me for an Indian. Signs you up. Signs me up to be the first Indian sumo wrestler. And there we go. India's first female sumo wrestler defying odds and empowering women.

Hetal Dave. Is her name Hetal?

Shout out to Hetal.

Hetal Dave's journey in suma wrestling is not just about personal triumph. It's about rewriting what's possible for women in India.

Love that. Push them around, Hetal.

Love interest?

Yeah, I could smash an Indian suma wrestling woman. No problem.

That's love, dude.

That's love, absolutely. I can't really tell. I'm going to say yes. I'm going to give it a hesitant yes from that picture that I would smash. I meant for the movie that she could be here. Yeah, and I'm saying I want to do it for real.

Let's see what happens.

Let's see what sparks fly on set.

Yeah, dude. That's all it is, dude.

You think of romance maybe as possible between you and Spade? Maybe you guys just have a become gay later in life.

No, there's a gay I think Tim Dylan might be in it. Okay. Small part or just be a part.

Who do you think sucks who off then?

Not it. Tbd, bro. To be David.

Tv needs to be, Dave.

We'll see what God wants out of those guys.

I love that. I can see Tim doing that, pulling it off.

What about the election over there happened, man? Did people go crazy out here in New York? Did you feel any of that energy?

Where was I?

I just felt so glad that it was over.

I was filming.

Were you in Philly taping?

Yeah, we were doing tires.

You were doing tires, right? How exciting is that, too?

Tires fucking The rules. Yeah.

What's it like between the second season and the first season? Is the set different? Because it-Set's not different.

Same. But we're in the same spot, and I think it's going to be fucking great. The first season, I didn't even know. When I agreed to do it, I thought it was going on YouTube. It was like Shane texted me. There was no agents involved. There was nothing. He was like, Hey, we're doing this thing. They didn't have scripts. We were writing shit as we were going. I was supposed to have a small part, and we just had It was so much fun doing it. They kept adding. It was so fun. We felt like we were just making a fun web series. You know what I mean? Because I loved... Gillian Keyves was so fucking funny. Their sketches were so good, and I almost was in one, and then it fell through. I just wanted a chance to work with those guys. When Shane hit me up, I was like, I don't need to know shit. Let's just fucking do it. It's insane that this thing that we did in... Honestly, we did it in a few weeks, and then we did a couple of days of reshoots, and it was a fucking show It was top 10 on Netflix for two weeks.

It's insane.

My mom liked it.

Yeah. We've been shooting from, I think we started in October and we end in the middle of December. It's Much more time. They actually had a real writer's room. They went over the scripts. I'm the least important. I don't want to give away too much, but there's a bunch of cool actors in it.

You play the brother, right?

I'm basically like I'm basically like...

Are the dad the other manager?

No, I'm the guy who's not in the family, basically. I'm the guy who's like... It's like a family tire shop, and I'm like the middle manager GM who's just in the middle of it. You can't tell if I'm good at my job or not. Oh, yeah. Just a pig. Again, pretty hard role. A horny idiot. It was really hard for me to get into the character, but it's going to be fucking good, man. I mean, and those guys are great. I mean...

Is it shot on sticks or is it shot like the office? I've seen it. It's just been probably four months. Both.

I mean, it depends, but I would say it's mostly handheld. They have some steady shots, but no, the whole crew is fucking awesome.

Oh, it's so much fun, and that girl in it is so good.

Kyla crushes it. That's what's awesome about... You got to love Shane because he legit brought his friends along in a very Sandler way. But the second he could... Steve Gurban, who is... So good. He's the man. He's the lead, but it's like, they did open mics together. You know what I mean? That whole crew, Kyla, the same thing, and McKeever, who directs it, is so fucking good. He's such a great director. Shane's a great actor, and it's awesome. It's just great to see that shit.

That's part of it. That's funny shit. It's, again, and people saying queers, people fixing tires.

Yeah.

What this country was founded on.

Right. Misogenous fixing tires. Yes.

You're We're going to have to deal with a little bit of misogyny, but we're going to get you back out on the road. Yeah, it's like, you want the chasis tightened up or not? That's been the story of our history.

But yeah, it's a If you're setting us some shit in a tire shop, that's how those motherfuckers behave. You know what I mean? You got to be realistic about it.

Do you think there's a trans male swimmer in there or something?

Yeah, that would be interesting. We need these better tires. Yeah, that would be good.

These tires ain't tiring enough.

Maybe on the way to the meet, you know what I mean? Bring them in.

Get the fellows. Reginald has a magic tire. You're like, What the fuck is happening? No. You need a fucking... All people If you want, it's just art to reflect life, man.

Let's be realistic. If your thing is set in a tire shop, that's how those guys have to behave. I'll watch the Trans Swimmer show. That's fun. They can go do... They can fucking talk the way they actually If you have tired guys, talk the way they talk.

That's what you just need. I think that's people just want the reality of stuff. Yeah. I agree.

Those guys are funny as shit. My dad's a contractor. Those guys are hilarious. Growing up around these fucking morons, they're stupid as shit, and they rag on each other so much. It's fucking awesome. It's great. The office was set in an office, and yeah, you can't really say wild shit in an office. It can be a little bit more mainstream. But if you're going to do some shit in a family-owned tire shop, it's like anything goes there.

We're talking, yeah, that is the Wild West.

Yeah, absolutely. A family-owned like-That's the Gaza strip of fucking humanity. There's no oversight. There's no oversight. No matter what, no matter how many reports the UN writes, you're not stopping that. You're not stopping the fucking family-owned tire shop from saying racist shit. You can't do it. That's how it goes. Same thing with diners. I mean, you can't. Don't let a teenager work in a Greek diner. Okay? Just don't do it. Don't let the hostess work for some guy. The evil variant of me from a different universe that has same hair, open black polo. You know what I mean? You don't want him sexually harassing the hostess.

You know what I mean? No. Well, as long as the guy who's making my food has a thing of toilet paper stuffed up one of his nostrils.

I don't give a fuck. As long as one of the line cooks is going through active withdrawals.

Hey, you want your eggs scramble? Yeah. Just by his hand, just holding there with a spatula.

Greek restaurant, same thing. Look, there might be some chest hair on your lamb chops, but it's going to be the best lamb chop you've ever had in your life. You really want to get the fucking food safety people involved in this? You want a bland hairless lamb chop? Be my guest.

God, God, lamb, the pussy of beef.

I agree, gamey. It really is. It's good as fuck.

You're like, What part of the lamb is this?

This is good, dude. I love a nice fucking lamb chop.

How does it feel? You've become a staple of your favorite football team. How does that feel every time?

That's awesome. I love the Ravens. It's fucking sick. I have a show at the Lyric, which is I did it last year. I did a bunch of shows this year. I'm doing a couple for holidays. It's fucking nuts to go to the team you grew up rooting for. It's like, they fucking put me on the Jumbotron, dude. You get a big pop. I got to meet players. I got to meet this guy.

What player is that?

That's real fan, Dan. Oh, okay. Who is... Yeah.oh, that's cool.He does the R-A-V-E-N-E-S dance.

Oh, he gets it go?

He gets it going. R-a-v-e-n-e-s. Yeah. The Chaperone version.

Chapel Raven, dude.

Chapel Raven. That's me, dude. Yeah. This is on the Raven's Instagram account, the official Raven's Instagram account. Let me put on fucking a helmet.

You got to rip a dart on there next time.

They wouldn't let me mention guns.

Or Suboxone. Yeah. Which is crazy. Also Suboxone Wilson is a player there, too.

Yeah, great on the edge. Great on the edge.

Not allowed, dude. Bro, the saints have... The saint... Someone keeps tweeting about the Pope, keeps accidentally tweeting about the New Orleans saints, dude. Can you see if you can find that?

Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Are you an LSU guy? Are you a Saints guy? Here's who I like.

I'm a Saint guy, but they've been underdelivering for the past few years. Pope Francis keeps accidentally tweeting about the New Orleans Saints.

That's where we are. The hashtag saints are formed by the Beatitudes. Poor meek, merciful, hungering and thirst for justice seeking peace.

Okay, yeah. Say there's some issues with the refs. Yeah. I think the post went up before the Saints lost the lowly Carolina Panthers marking their seventh Street victory.

God, God is not on your side. They took it out, but in the actual tweet, it was showing the Saints logo every time he hashtag Saint.

Wow. There he is right there. Thank you for your prayers, Pont, if we need them.

What? Interesting. But now, does that prove, there it is, does that prove the Catholic God is not real? Because a tweet from Pope Francis doesn't even get you to beat the fucking Panthers. That's a good point. I'd like to see a Muslim guy tweet about you. I'd like to see. This is a good way to see who wins. This is how we can tell who's right. Each religion tweets about the New Orleans Saints.

Reader, start your fingers. And they rattle off.

And they rattle off.

We get to see-And you see who really gets-Is it Islam?

Is it Judaism?

Each week, they all get a shot.

They all get a shot. Wicken. Catholicism. Wicken, yeah. Get some fucking fat bitches with black lipstick to put a curse on your opponent. Tear out a raven's heart.

Oh, dude. One time I was walking on the beach in like, Destin, Florida at night, and we were kids, and we got to go to the beach, and I met this girl out there, pretty rubin-esque girl. Love that. She's like, I want you to hold me in the water or whatever. It was like, I'd hidden a bottle of wine, and I told him someone in the sand earlier in the day. I'm out there literally digging in the fucking sand by myself under probably pretty decent sunlight, right? Sure. So I'm fucking digging in there. I'm one of those watching the grunion run or whatever. Like, I'm a pregnant turtle.

Trying to see how many of your babies make it to see.

I'm not there. But literally, I'm just looking for a bottle of Zinfandella putting my hand in. Then she came up and we had a couple of sips. We were talking and stuff. He was like, I want you to hold me in the water. Then we're out in the fucking water, dude. Love that. Kissing is fucking ridiculous.

Was she any Wicken?

Yeah, she was Wicken. Interesting.

That's what I was about to tell you. Interesting. Did she do any chants or enchantments to you?

No, she just said some stuff. She didn't believe in this and that, and she was Wicken. Interesting. And then she had to be pregnant by a certain time or whatever.

And you didn't oblige. You're like, I'm out. You want this white tail or not?

I was like, This is Infidel. It has got to fucking go, Infidel.

Did you encounter any... Because I think about New Orleans. They have some spooky shit. Any witches, any voodoo shit. Did you ever encounter any of that stuff?

I stole money one time off of an altar there. Oh, no. My life was bad for seven months. I swear to God. I believe you, dude. Here was the crazy part. I sold the money and then used the money to buy peanut butter M&Ms.

Hexed for peanut butter M&Ms.

That was horrible. I was on the road for a while, and then I finally got back home, and I went and put twice as much money back. It was all good after that? Yeah. When we grew up, there was a lot of prot, like those snake fucking protestants.

Sure, sure, sure. Now, hold on. What altar and where was this altar?

This was in the French Quarter, on the edge of the French Quarter.

Got you. It was just out there.

Yeah, they just had a thing put together.

It's interesting how many different... Because Greek people have... When When somebody we have a little altar for your past loved ones. If you think about it, it is, even though we're Greek Orthodox, that's so clearly like a pagan ritual. You put a little altar for the deceased. That's not in Christianity. Anywhere. It's just, you know.

But I wonder, well, I wonder if we should spend more time communicating with the deceased, like helping relieve, or is there anything that they need to tell us? It's like we're just fucking be. Once they clock out, we're like, you are off the fucking-We're going to Mangiano's, having some pasta in your memory, and that's it. Yeah, they just like... Because the Mexicans do that every year. They let them out for one last fiesta. Yeah, on MS 31st or whatever. Halloween night, they let all of the family members come back.

You ever see Coco, the movie about that?

Yeah, I think Joey Dias is... Oh, no, that's what I'm thinking of.

Joey Dias is in Coco.

I thought he was in it.

That's awesome. Fucking tremendous, kid. You got to deal with your generational trauma, you cocksucker. Stop depending on your grandfather said to turn your life around.

That's awesome. I did try to watch this on a plane or whatever.

This legitimately destroyed me when I saw it. What happened was, so me and my brothers, we had a tradition where we would take some hallucinogenic, whatever big Hollywood release was out there, a big fun action movie. The first time we did it was the new Star Wars prequels, where it was like, we didn't give a fuck about Star Wars that much, but take some fucking acid. You watch Star Wars. It's going to be fucking awesome. We would do that on Christmas or around Christmas.

You'll sort by your stepfather in the fucking yard.

Yeah, you really will, actually. You really will. It did cause some issues.

Surprise attack with a catalytic converter out there. Well, fucking.

We did that, and then One year, it was Aquaman was coming out. Oh, yeah. Forgot to buy fucking tickets ahead of time. We thought, for sure, there's no way Aquaman is going to be sold out. Then we forget. It's sold out. We get there. I'm already on acid.

Oh, my God.

We're like, All right, let's just get back to the house ASAP. We're all fucking on acid.We didn't go in the film? We couldn't. Then my brother's like, Coco is pretty colorful. This could be fun. Dude, it's a story all about family death. My best friend's mom had just died. We were like, it's a story all about family and things. Dude, I'm just tripping my nuts off just sobbing and being like, dude, I thought I was going to watch Jason Momoa fight a fucking bunch of fish in the head. Now I'm thinking about my dead grandparents and if they're proud of me or not.

It was so fucked up, dude.

Then my brother, I was sobbing so much. Afterwards, my brother was like, All right, man. He just put on Thor Ragnarole Rock for me to just fucking calm down. He was like, I was a fucking baby. Here's your fucking dumb movie because I would watch that on Acid a bunch. That was a fun thing I would do sometimes.

He puts on Windy Weatherfoot on YouTube.

Yeah, he puts on soft core pornography with huge-titted women. He's like, Here you go, buddy. Your favorite stuff.

Wendy Whetherfoot is a children's-Oh, no, sorry.

I was just thinking, I don't know what Wendy Whetherfoot is. I was just going into stuff I liked.

Wendy Whetherfoot It is a nature-based animation series on YouTube. If you like children in nature, you might like it.

Right. That would have been a better thing to calm me down. But yeah, it was fucked up how much Coco on Acid when I was not emotionally ready to deal with it. How fucking destroyed me, dude. Destroyed me.

But you know. Acid is just such a wild thing that they make. Because first you're like, you're telling me this little bitty square of paper.

This is going to do shit.

Is going to remodel the way I experience the world.

Got to completely fucked my brain up.

Is going to make me hide behind the car in your yard and cry about how your parents met each other? I don't know, guy.

Same thing. The last one we did was Avatar, and I literally was fucking crying at that, too. But that was more like the movie was affecting me. I was like, Oh, fuck, dude. The fucking little guy's going to die. I was fucking crying. Moments before, I was laughing at what a stupid movie it was, and then they kill a character. I'm like, Oh, he's fucking dead, bro. My brothers were just laughing at me. They weren't as fucked up as I was.

Just the attendant is just shining a flash right in your eyes. You give him your license. That's when you're fucked up at the movies. You give him your... You got your driver's license. The guy's just shining a light on you. I've been watching all those. Around the holidays, I'll start watching a lot of those military people come home videos.

That'll fucking do it to you for sure.

Surprised at the school.

While we looked for that one more time, I was on Acid at the movies. The people in the theater thought I was a special needs because I was like-What was it?

What gave them the impression?

I was actually on mushrooms and acid at the time, and it was a packed one. You're familiar with Baboo Frick? He's a little Star Wars guy. He's a little Star Wars Muppet. Every time Babu Frick would come on, I would be like, Yeah, I would be so happy because I was so on acid. That I had returned to being a fucking baby. He was just a cute little Muppet guy. Every time he'd come on, I'd be like, Yeah, I'm Babu Frick. I couldn't stop laughing. People were mad, and then they looked at me, and then I saw them Their faces softened.

They go, Oh, this guy's special needs.

They thought, There's no way. They thought I was some teenager. They just looked around. It's like, There's no way a man this old and fat is not special needs if he's reacting to Bob I'm a freak this way. They looked at my brother, and my brother was like, Sorry. They were like, Oh, no. Oh, it's fine.

Dude, I don't even know what to say Some memorable acid.

You're not an acid on movies.

Me and my buddy, well, I told this story recently. It's just one that I remember. We went to the Waffle House in our town, right? Love that. We got there at 4:30 in the morning, and there was a gay There was a homosexual urban male in their waiter. We'd never seen a gay black guy.

Wow. How old were you?

We were probably 14. Okay, that's big. Yeah, it was big, dude. We're very excited.

That's some of the funnest. That's One of the funnest type of guys in the world.

Oh, we're so high, dude.Yeah. We're so high that all we can do is fucking laugh.

On hallucinogenics or just weed?

Yeah, we're taking some LSD. Cool. And so we went there because it was open. It's the only place that had lights out where you could be somewhere and be young and not have to... As long as you were buying food, you had a legal reason to be there. I'm legally here for breakfast, right? Yes. Well, we started laughing so hard.

May I use the hash browns defense? I'd like to enter the hash browns defense. Sorry, go ahead.

No, it's-So you guys are fucked up? Oh, and we're so fucked up. My buddy starts laughing so hard and starts fucking choking. He's laughing so hard. The guy, the witness, starts giving him the fucking-Eymlich.Eymlich maneuver, dude. There's Bro, I laughed. I thought my-I mean, that would destroy me. My body was coming out of my fucking body, dude. I was doing like this. I was like, and my body just getting fucking remodeled by this. Breakfast, brother, dude. Just fucking reshaping him, bro. Love it. Smothered him, fucking chunk.

What style of gay guy are we talking? Is he have eyeliner on?

Small but strong.

Small but strong.

Small but strong.

Just posture and the way he talks. Whatquick. Quick with his words.

Had flair on, but didn't need to have it on.

That's not mandated by it.

He had so much on. You almost thought he was one of those people that blows up the balloons or whatever. What is this guy?

He's selling them. He's like, blow up some breakfast. Yeah, he's being fun. Yeah, he's being fun.

Great attitude. Great guy.

Great attitude. Saved your friend's life. Yeah.

I went to SNL the other night, too. That was pretty cool.Oh, hell, yeah.Winsor Bur.

Fuck, yes, dude.

That was awesome. It was cool. Just to be there.

Have you ever been there? I've never been there, no. I want to go. I have friends who are on the show now, and it would be cool to go, but I just always traveling. Never here. Saturday, it's a hard night to be.

They'll probably ask you to do it this year, I bet.

No, I don't think so. I love I would love to. Would you? I would absolutely love to. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to fuck. It seems like... Because I have friends who are on the show and it seems like a hard job. That's the thing. As much as stressful as it is to have to put out shit constantly and be touring, you're still your own boss. I can't imagine. That's a huge comedy show that people still watch, but you're somebody's fucking employee. I can't imagine doing that anymore, dude. Even if it's a cool fucking job, just being worried about my performance at work, I can't do that shit, dude. That's fucking crazy. But I would love to. It's a dream to host it.

That's why I say I work for myself and I'm a hard person to work for.

Yeah, absolutely. I'm my own boss, and my boss is a fucking idiot.

And my boss is an asshole.

My boss is an asshole.

He's a fucking-Yeah, he's a closet homosexual as well. Hey, that's a lie. Okay? If I saw you in Houston If your name is Mark and we're hooked up in Houston. Hold on, guys. Let me start over.

You can't help it.

The dad just… Yeah. God, that was so good. But I had to play in the dark, and that was a challenge.

I remember that. That's good for your understanding of the fretboard. It's more intuitive. It's more…

Yeah, SNL was great. It was cool to see. Well, Bill Bird dropped into a lot of the The acting part where you're doing the characters, he did a really great job. He's a good actor, man. Yeah, he really tried. Because some of it, you would think it's a little cheesy or whatever. But he like...

You got to commit. You're there. You know what I mean? Like, sketch comedy in general is a little cheesy. But if you're going to do it, you got to fucking do it. You know what I mean?

It was cool. Mcgee played. That was pretty dope. I'm trying to think of what else happened.

Go to the after part or anything like that? I didn't go.

I heard that it's interesting. They line up limos and people all from the show go get in the limos and they're just waiting outside and it takes everybody to the afterparty.

Interesting. A show of force. It's like how North Korea has a bunch of tanks and stuff. As soon as I was like, We got 12 limos. Don't fuck with us. We got what we got. We got 12 limos going to the Dave and Busters in Times Square.

Yeah. All of our drivers are addicted to porn if you're in North Korea. Do you see that?

That's awesome, dude. Salute to those guys. They made a big mistake. Once someone gets a little taste of pornography, you tell me they're going to go back to no porn. This could legitimately lead to the toppling of the North Korean regime.

Little dabble, dude. North Korea, soldiers in Russia gain Internet access view, lude videos.

This is from ukrainianworld congress. Org. Where the fuck are you getting your news, man?

The same place everybody is, dude.

Ukrainianworld congress. Org. What the fuck is this?

This is a website we made a half This is all news now. It's whatever you want it to be. A usually reliable source. This is from this article. Tells me that the North Korean soldiers who have deployed to Russia have never had unfedernized I've never had access to the internet before. As a result, they're gorging on pornography.Gorging.

On pornography.Wow. That's awesome. Gorging is crazy. What's gorging? Like the equivalent of... Because I've gorged on food.

Yeah, probably mouth open.

Probably use a couple of phones going at I don't think it's their best soldiers. I think they're sending expendable guys. There's no way Kim Jong Un is sending his best boys out there.

That's a great point. They're sending the foreign boys.

He might want to get the masturbators out of his ranks. He might have sent the masturbators out.

100%.

Let's zoom in on a couple of these guys. Can I just say, he looks awesome. Look at that fit, bro. I want to dress like that for real.

You can do that, man.

I need those I need that fucking leather jacket.

Is that goat leather?

Yeah, where do they get it from? It's shiny. He's looking awesome.

Oh, he looks great, I think, especially over the years.

He's really figured his look out. He's coming to his own.

They say he gets massages every day.

Interesting.

And facials, too.

I'd love that. I would love to live like that.

I would love a massage. Look how high the one dude is on porn. Right above your cursor to the right. Zoom in on that guy. Right there. Zoom in on that guy. Right there. There we go. I can't go in. Oh, you can't? Sorry.

Enhance.

Let's get a shot of that guy. The hats are pretty high. Great hats. I've watched that much for him before. Where one of my ears turns really red. That's crazy, man.

That's a lot. Because he's lost all the blood from that ear and it's gone translucid because that's all pumping to his cock.

It's all being used, brother.

All non-essential blood is being redirected to your dick when you see porn for the first time in 40 years.

Oh, dude, I remember at school when I would have to take tests, I would fucking tie my legs off like this to keep the blood up by my brain. Oh, smart, dude. I'd be able to have more oxygen in my brain, help me think.

When did you find out about that? Who told you about that? Was that just...

You know what I mean? Just good idea. Just good idea.

Did it work?

Yeah, it was pretty good. Pretty good student. I love that, dude. It was fun, man. It was being alive back then. Fucking beautiful legs What's your leg skin? Oh, yeah.

What's your leg skin looking like these days? You don't really show off the gams too much.

I don't that much. I mean, I put them away today.

That's not bad. I mean, yeah, they won't be in Westminster, but they won't be in the dog show.

But I do. I think if I get in the gym for a couple of weeks, I'll show them. Please do. I will. Thank you, man. But see, that's the thing. That's a blessing of being a foundational man.

Thank you, man. Yeah, we got some thick. I'm even hiding the calves, too. What What bothers me is I love... I'm a little too milky white up here.

You got those four five walls right there, baby. Those things are category three. Yeah. Fucking, you could hang out. You could hide two bitches behind those.

You could. You could take shelter behind my calves. No problem.

I would love that.

Yeah, dude.

What else is happening, man? Anything else you want to talk about?

Police seized a goat from an 11-year-old girl. This is on a $300,000 settlement. What is up with cops taking fucking animals, dude?

Yeah, something happened with a squirrel. I don't understand why people are fucking...

It's just bureaucrat. Who gives a fucking... Good for this girl. She won 300K. Now, I don't know all the facts. Hopefully, this goat wasn't biting people's dicks off or whatever. It turns out the goat was a fucking piece of shit. But if he was just a nice little goat, Vanessa Shaqib.

Yeah, it's tough to know. The goat was seized by sheriffs. Go back to the top a little bit. Sheriff's He was in 2022 while living at a North Carolina farm and was later slaughtered.

Why? Did they eat him?

As outlined in court documents.

You can't slaughter a goat for no reason.

I agree.

No, not for no fucking reason.

But if you look, if they had a nice- What cop is like, No, we're getting this guy out of here. And the ghost just like...

The Sheriff's W did nothing but enforce the law. Yeah, right.

Who knows if this is even right? And then they got this squirrel or whatever. He did something.

Some dumb bitch snitched. They He shouldn't have killed Peanut, but the bitch who snitched is obviously the biggest villain in here. But also the cops overstepping. Cops love killing a fucking animal when they can, man. They do. They'll shoot people's dogs for no reason. They just fucking like killing shit. Quiet him down. It's just a fucking parakeet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He had a gun.

The bear had a gun.

Oh, man. What do you think of the world right now? Things feel okay now to you? Are you scared? Not really. Because I know there's the election, right? Yes. What are people truly scared of, do you think, when they talk about Trump? But what is it? I start to wonder, what do people be scared of?

I can tell you right. I mean, the thing... So for me, I didn't love either candidate here. I really didn't understand being enthusiastic about either candidate. I'm not a Trump guy, obviously. I think he is dangerous in the things that I'm scared of the most. The thing that made That made me lean towards Kamala was, more than anything was the Supreme Court and that it would be if it's put under far-right control for the next however long. We've already seen women's right over their bodies. The abortion, Roe v Wade has been overturned, which I think is really dangerous. That's going to really affect women's health care. Already in states that banned it, you see they're getting less just general OB/GYN care because it's more dangerous to be a doctor in those states. We don't think about shit that trickles down. It's harder to get just general health care, let alone abortion in Texas now for women. That's only going to get harder in rural states. I think for me, that was the number one issue. That's really fucking scary to me.

Well, especially with the border being open, they're letting rapists in. You know what I'm saying, though? It's like you're just... Well, yeah. I mean, I don't know if it's the best time to repeal that.

If we're going to follow your logic and you claim they got rapists coming in, maybe we should also keep abortion. But I think we got plenty of homegrown rapists, too. But we got-Oh, yeah.

We got our own. Sure.

We got some union guys. We've got some heirloom American rapist for sure. Jesus Christ. But I think the number one thing that scares me is about that because it's not only... That's the first step. I think you could really see stuff that we take for granted as progress. Gay marriage is another thing. There's a really weird cultural... I think this is what happens anytime the party that's backed by the powers that be, big business, the richest people in the world want far-right politicians. I think if they still... You think still? Absolutely, without question.

I feel like tech is now... I just feel like the parties have changed.

Elon Musk is a huge Trump guy.

That's a good point.

I think rich people will support whoever's in power, number one. But They want to transfer wealth from the poor to the rich. They've been really good at doing it. The biggest issue, I think the reason the Democrats lost is because they pretend that there is no problem. It's like, that's fucking crazy. You have to tell people that, yes, there are issues here. Shit is more expensive. I think inflation, I think a big part of inflation is that companies realize they can just charge you more and say it's somebody else's fault. A lot of it's price gouging. That's fucking true. How did everything get so much more expensive? Some of it is just real inflation, but some of it is companies are hiding behind inflation. Democrats did nothing to stop price gouging. They didn't even say they were going to do it. You can't tell people that things are going good when they're just clearly not. And there were just no... It sucks because the Democratic Party has become like, they were going after fucking Dick Cheney. It was so bizarre. It's It's crazy because they're going after policy-wise, moderates, Republican people who most working class people don't agree with the economic stuff that they're saying.

And then culturally, it bothers me when you become a party of tattle tales. It's become a party of middle managers that want to get mad at you if you say the wrong thing. It's like, that's not the most important issue. The most important issue for people is that things are fucking more... They have no health care. Wage inequality is out of fucking control. People's wages have not kept pace with how much bosses are earning.

Yeah, well, what %? I mean, Bernie Sanders said greatly that he thought if AI starts to happen for companies. Companies are making more money because of AI, because they don't need people, then some of that money should go to the employees. Of course. As opposed and cut it down their hours for the week. Now you give them a better life instead of just making it where, well, fucking-Well, we don't need you anymore.

You know what I mean? So you don't get anything, and we keep all the fucking profits. I do think, I think we talked about it a little bit last time where it's like AI as a tool to fucking do creative shit. It's so weird. It's like it should be making normal people's lives easier. It shouldn't just be for rich people to be able to charge less. There should be some protections for workers, and we should be able to... You should be able to fucking buy a house. All these fucking regular issues that weren't really hit on, it was just, well, you got to vote for us because the other person's worse. Even though I think that is true, that's not a winning message. That's nothing, especially when the other side is offering, they're at least saying, Shit's bad. They're saying it's for the wrong reasons. I don't think it's immigrants' fault. It's definitely not fucking... Trans people aren't the people buying up houses and not letting you buy it. You know what I mean? But at least they're saying something's wrong, and they're saying some fucked up shit. In my my opinion, they're trying to make it culture war stuff.

They're trying to divide people who should be on the same side by saying, Oh, gay people are bad, trans people are bad, when it's like, The people trying to fuck you are rich people. That's how it's always been. That's the fucking... That's a tale as old as time. It's weird. Some people think they're going to be fucking billionaires when it's like they don't make off crypto or whatever. They're like, well, when I'm that rich, I don't want to be taxed. It's like, you fucking don't. You live in your You're sharing a loft bedroom with your friend's dad who's taking dick pills. You don't have to worry about fucking tax rates going up on you.

Don't bet on it. Bet on yourself now.

Bet on yourself right now, man. How about we raise some fucking taxes on the richest people and you get some fucking health care.

I don't know, man. No, maybe I shouldn't bet. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's frustrating because I...

But even having said all that, I think what people are scared of the most with Trump is just, yeah, man, the Supreme Court being taken over by ideologically really right wing because now the Senate is Republican and there's taken over by that. That is scary to me because we could see a lot of stuff rolled back that we take for granted as fundamental and stuff that's just progress. We can argue over economic issues, whatever, but some of those things, that does scare me. It's like women's rights are being rolled back.

It would be so wild if you got groups in there that were like, You can't do gay in anymore.

Yeah, we're taking away gay marriage.

But then you'd have all the gay. You have to pretend they're straight again or whatever.

Yeah, back in the closet, boys. Like, Oh, come on. I just threw away all my straight. I just threw away all my Dockers. What are you talking about? I just threw away all my fucking plaid shirts.

I just fucking burned all my Doc Martens and just lay in bed holding my high school girlfriend.

What are you talking? Gay guys and lesbians have to get married again? And then fuck on the side?

Hey, you know what? There was something admiral about those days, though.

Look, I respect getting a nut anyway against everything.

Well, just the hard work, just the effort that people put in to being gay. Sure. Whereas now, fucking, some dude is just all day being gay. Just willy, fucking, nilly, just burning the gay handle at both ends.

Yeah, at both ends. Yeah, doing Pilates. He's the only guy in the class.

Which is the gayest thing you do. I used to have a gay roommate for about four months, and he would chew gum in his fucking sleep. I was like, What is going on?

Did he have a defined jawline?

He was a figure skater. He could jump over a Toyota Turcell, the front.

Wow. Just the front?

Side to side. He couldn't go long. Side to side is good. That's insane. He could jump literally at an angle and-Oh, he do the spin, the actual.

It was crazy. That's awesome.

He got an axel over a fucking Toyota Turcell.

Where'd you meet him?

We met him. We were shopping. My buddy and I were shopping for and we met him at Avons one afternoon. We just moved to Los Angeles.

He was doing tricks in the parking lot?

Yeah, he was just doing that fucking piero.

Where were you sitting? Your buddy's like, Hey, pal, ease off the turcell. I just got rid of the Mitsubishi. I can turn this fucking car off. The last thing I need is a gay heel going through my windshield.

Yeah, he got to tone it down. Tone it down. Hey, just buff. He's just buffing it with his feet as he passes over. Well, I do think some things that... I will say this, though, also, Donald Trump campaign harder than fucking anyone for a 78-year-old man. It's unbelievable.

Yeah, I mean, I think he loves the attention of campaigning. Oh, I agree. You know what I mean?

But to even do it.

I just can't even believe.

I mean, that blew my mind just how much he could do.

I think that's his favorite part, though. You When we saw him, he was electric on the fucking mic, bro. Yeah, doing his thing. He loves crushing, dude. He loves getting in front of this crowd, just fucking ripping. Dude, you think that motherfucker wants to be in meetings or you think he wants to be talking to the Nelk boys about how he used to get pussy in the '80s or whatever the fuck he was doing? That's the part he likes. He doesn't want to listen to fucking reports about fucking stats and numbers and shit. No, he wants to eat a Big Mac, drink a Diet Coke, and go on bussing with the boys.

He's like, Cara Fawcett.

Oh, yeah. Cut the mic. Let me tell you a little something.

Suzanne Somers.

Yeah.

I will say, I think one of the funniest guys I've ever had, though. Entertaining.

Without question. That's the thing. I'm not going to sit here and tell you he's not fucking... He's funny as shit, which is, I think, why things are so... That's why he was able to sneak through. If somebody was saying the exact same shit with no humor at all, it would be horrifying. It would be. It's fucking crazy. He says insane shit, but it's funny as fuck, and he seems gay. That's the other thing. He's a New York gay guy who happens to be straight, I guess. You think he's a Trump gay? Well, he behaves. I mean, come on. His mannerisms, his little piercing of the... He behaves like a gay guy is what I'm saying. He's got a queen. He seems like a gay guy from Queens. He's from Queens. He has that little hair. You could have been Queens in that story. His fucking spray tan. No, he's from Queens. Oh, he is? Yeah. The spray I'm saying I don't think he's gay, but he does have gay mannerisms.

Okay, well, this is it.

Doing this. Doing this. His little fucking-We're the gays for Trump.

That was the best. Where are they? They're here. Yeah. Couple of gays for Trump. We're the squirrels for Trump. They're here.

Look at them. Where's my African-American?

Blacks for Trump. There's two of them right there. Let them loose.

Let them loose, guys. I don't know how many whispers in his Good to see you, boys.

Harriet Tubman's here. Dude, the best was he brought up Nicki Jam. He thought it was a woman. He's like, Nicki Jam is here. Beautiful.

It's a fucking Dude, some dude off Instagram. Some guy named Nicki Jam.

Some dude with a mouthful of Zins rolls up there. That's awesome. Just fucking spit and stay awake juice into the fucking audience.

No, he's so... I'm not going to sit here and tell you the guy. He's so fucking It's fucking funny.

But it's a course. That's one thing that... Because I just hear that a lot. People are like, I'm so scared. What are you fucking like? That's a part. I just never believe the government's going to affect my life that much.

I agree with you. The President doesn't have that much power. If it wasn't for the Supreme Court, I would be like, who really gives a fuck? The Democrats didn't run any coherent campaign. They don't want to... I hope this will make... Because look, my politics are further left than that. I'm not a Democrat registered. Bernie is the only guy I liked in a long time because I thought he was the only human being who was a real person of integrity. I think Donald Trump just is a... The idea that he's different from politicians is crazy. He's a rich guy who had...

He grew up rich. He's a class President for sure type. Yeah.

And it's like his dad was a fucking slumlord. He's just a rich guy who's fucked over people on deals forever. I have class issues, right? I I tend to not trust super rich guys, and I don't see how he's going to do anything different. I think it's naive to think he's going to be different than... I understand not trusting the democratic establishment, but it's like, to me, Trump's funny, but he's a fucking billionaire propped up by other billionaires. I think he's part of just the complex that runs our country, and I don't think he's any different. The only person that I like-It's going to be a challenge to see if he is.

I mean, they'll think- That's the other weird thing.

We're talking about him like this shaking up force. He was already fucking President. Oh, yeah. He's not new. That's what's weird.

Both of them were... That was a fallacy. Both of them had. It was like, and Kamos was like, It'll be different. It was fucking, go home and make it different right now.

And that's why, absolutely, you're in power right now. God knows Joe ain't doing shit. That guy's been having ice cream for six months.

I know. And they pretended. And that's what lost me as a Democrat. That's when they When they lost me was when they lied about... I just didn't like the way they treated that old man. It's not fucking cool because then he believes he's doing great. Totally. So he wakes up every day. He doesn't know any different. He's listening to the music. He's fucking riding for his bike. He's looking for fuckingYeah. What are they doing here?

He's looking awesome. What is this, dude?

Is this the end of an amazing race? Yeah. To heaven?

It looks like he's just about to finish a fucking marathon, but he just got out of his car.

And they're still He's pretending every day. They just told him the other day, he's the fucking mayor of Wisconsin. And they're given an unlimited- Can I have some cheese curbs? Yeah, unlimited ice cream and milk.

Well, and that's why I agree with you. I think they made a fucking huge mistake in Running him again. When he ran the first time, it's like, I get it. People were scared of another thing of Trump. So put some middle of the road ass Democrat. But then they should have had an open primary.

It just seemed like a railroaded thing.

People could actually vote on the issues they care about, and they just didn't do that. She even had an opportunity to, if she came out with any fucking... I'm just pissed off.

She didn't release any new music.

Yeah, there was nothing new.

Let's say that.

It was all Biden remixes, and nobody liked Biden. Yeah.

You can't just hit. She tried to go after Blacks with a mixtape. You got a fucking...

Little production. Yeah.

She dropped a lot of diss tracks. Yeah.

But no, nothing new.

Yeah, just didn't hit. But look, man, I think it's just crazy how... I don't know. It'll be interesting. It's a lot of pressure to see. I'm most excited about RFK, and JD Vance was super cool when he came on the podcast. He's a human. Trump's hard to get to know.

I don't know that JD To me, he seems like a traditional, just say whatever it takes to get elected snake, to be honest with you. I know you had him on. He was cool here, but he was a guy who said he hated Trump. He said some fucked up shit about women. I just think he's a... And venture capitalism Those guys are fucking worms to begin with. I don't trust JD Vance at all. I think he's a piece of shit also. I think he's a regular ass Republican that will say any fucking fucked up thing to get into power. He sucked Trump's cock after saying he called him Hitler or whatever. He made a complete turn when he realized it was politically advantageous to be on Trump's side. I think he also is just a run-of-the-mill piece of shit politician. I just do.

I think all politicians is a weird thing to be.

But that's what I'm saying. I'll say that. That's what I'm saying is I've never been excited about... The politician I've been excited about was Obama when I was 18.

Same, I voted for Obama.

I think he did have a real opportunity to do something, and it turned out he didn't really do shit. And then he didn't, man.

But that's the thing that always happens.

Yeah. At least that was something that was like... I think part of that was Obama was just too inexperienced. I think if he had a little more... He didn't know what he was doing with the Senate. The healthcare thing got completely fucked, and universal healthcare didn't end up-I had Obamacare. It was bad. They ended up-I sent me some cups.

I still have a set of cups they sent me.

Nice, dude. You got a mug? Huh? Yeah.

No, It was like some plastic cups of it. I still use them. Yeah. I didn't see you.

But he got worked over by thinking he could actually find common ground with the Republicans. They should have just rammed legislation down their throat. They had both houses at the time. Anyway, whatever. The only person I was excited about was Bernie because I think he was actually in that run in 2016. He was like... He would have been cool. It would have been cool, but the Democrats shut that shit down.

Hey, man. Well, I like Vance as a guy. Seemed like a nice guy. I know that they say Peter Thiel is the guy that got him in office, that thing. But then you start to see that all these guys have backers. Will things be different with some of these guys? I don't I know. I think, but one thing that's cool is that we both like Bernie. I like Bernie, too. I would have voted for Bernie.

See, I think those ideas unite people because he's just saying, Look, we have issues to deal with. There's real issues. We're not going to pretend shit's good when it's not. And let's find real ways to do it that everybody gets. That's real equality. He wants to help everyone because it's not about cultural shit. It's about economic shit. More people are disaffected because of the people at the top. I think that's a message that everyone can agree with. I think when people aren't looking at things ideologically, if you just ask them about issues, people They're already on a lot of fucking issues.

I say that every day.

They want to be able to fucking buy a house, they want to be able to afford shit, and they want to be able to fucking get health care. How many people do we know? I know people, extended family, stuff like that, that are struggling off shit that they shouldn't because somebody got sick, and it derails your whole fucking family.We.

Talk about that all the time.It's fucked up. The number one cause of, I mean, we say this all the time now because it's one of the few facts I know, but the number one cause of bankruptcy in America is medical debt. Crazy. And so it's a fucking, the whole system is a money laundering scam. And I don't know why that hasn't changed. You would think at some point, one of these fucking groups would be able to change this shit.

I mean, there is so much money in politics.

I was-Right, but it's just... People are so fed up with the fucking system. You almost want there to be a war to end it all or whatever.

I know what you mean, man. You know what I'm saying? I do know what you mean. Some people do believe that. Some people think there's no way- Something has to change because this is not changing over time, right? Yeah. Some people believe revolution is the only way to fucking do it.

Hey, Tony tried to start one. That was the main reason, like Shane said it, too, on his podcast.

It would have been so funny to be able to blame Tony. If Kama won, it would have just been like, You bombed so hard. That the part your candidate fucking lost. How fun would that be to tell Tony for the rest of his life? That's actually the thing I'm most pissed off about. Supreme Court is number two. After being able to mock Tony for the rest of my life. That's what I regret the most about the election. He was sweating.

I sat there and watched it with him. He was sweating, man. I know that we could... I I know that we can do better in this country about making useful things. I was just looking the other day in Japan. Is it in Japan where they have the sidewalks turned power of fucking building? You're walking by them. The fucking building is powered by people walking on the.

That's fucking cool. Yeah, our infrastructure is so fucked, too. It's like- Our trains don't even work. High-speed rail, we need like...

Dude, our trains, if you're on a train, the other day, it got robbed by a bunch of people on horseback.

The M-Trac is getting the fucking the 310 de Huma treatment.

It's unreal. Dude, you go to the post office, you go in there, you're like, Yeah, I'm looking for this package. You get a piece of paper. The guy comes back two days later and asks you who the fuck you are. You're like, Where have you been?

I know, dude.

You're like, What is even going on?

It's fucking crazy. It's crazy.

It's falling around, dude. Yeah, but it's like, meanwhile, we have all these homeless people wondering around town. If you put them all in an area and set up one of these because this floor in Japan turns footsteps into electricity. Play a bit of it there.

So you're thinking-In Japan, even walking generates electricity. Tokyo Metro. I don't like this guy's voice.

The trains are powered.

Electric technology and its floors to convert the energy.

Yeah, I mean, but if you could get 50 or 70 homeless people to power a Jamba juice or something. I agree with you, dude. How fucking great would that be? They come out, they dance for 12 minutes or whatever, and bam, the fucking-It's exercise for them.

It's good electricity.

The blender's cut on in there.

They get a free smoothie for their trouble.

What do we do? But instead, everybody's like, They need pills. It's like, Fucking no, dude.

That's a perfect example, though, of homelessness. It's like, Give them homes. We know what it takes. Make fucking apartment buildings. That has been shown to work, and most people just don't have access. But there is all this weird... We'll create nonprofits to help the homeless that cost more than just getting them little apartments.

Big of them recipe books.

Yeah.

They'll just keep busting them back and forth to different cities. It's basically, political parties play Red Rover with them.

I know. What they should do is instead of busting them, sign them up for Southwest miles, and then they get some fucking miles out of it. Give them a Southwest credit card every time you ship them from Texas to New York to fucking wherever the fuck, and then they can go on vacation. They can earn some miles, some points.

You're not free to cough about the cabin. I was just hacking up a fucking dead sparrow in his throat. I only say that because I was in San Francisco one time, my guy threw a fucking bird at me for no reason.

Oh, my God. It was a sparrow?

It was small enough. Small enough, yeah. It could have been a warbler, but I'm going to get him back. We'll see.

He put an air tag in his bindle. You're tracking him. You're going to get him back.

Every time I close my eyes, I still see what he looks like.

That's horrifying. Birds to me are creatures. To have one thrown at you is very tough.

The dirtiest surprise. Yeah. We did great, man. This is a new movie.

Let's start a cult. Let's start a cult. Out on VOD right now. Go to Apple, Amazon, wherever you like to rent movies. Go check it out, please. I'm begging you. We got the calendar. We have a new tour coming out, the Dreamboat Tour. Yeah, I really appreciate you having me on, dude. It's always so fun. This is my favorite podcast to do. It's so much fucking fun. Really, dude? I love it.

You're the best to live with. Thanks so much, man. I'm going to come back in December, so I can do yours then.

Please, yeah. Would love to have you.

Remember, I didn't even know you were the guy from Comptown that I liked.

That was so fun, dude. You were like, I met that guy once. I was like, It was me, dude.

That's crazy, dude.

But I love that. That's awesome. Would it be? We'll fucking play some clap then. I'll have you play a little guitar while I get my dick sucked. It'll be like old times, dude. Just take those old records off the shelf.

Thank you, sov.

You're the man, dude. Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

I can feel it in my bones.

But it's going to take.