Transcript of E544 Matt McCusker

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co founder of Angie. One thing I've learned is that you buy a house, but you make it a home. For decades, Angie's helped millions of homeowners hire skilled pros for the projects that matter. Get all your jobs done well at angie. Com.

We've got some spring tour dates that I got warm for you here right off the griddle. All these tickets you can get through theovan. Com/taur. This is still the Return of the Rat Tour, and we will be coming to Toledo, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Eugene, Oregon, Kennewick, Washington, Seattle, Victoria, BC, and the Canada, Belton, Texas, San Antonio, Ola, Durant, Oklahoma, Amarillo, Texas.

Amarillo, by the way.

Oxford, Mississippi, Tuscaloos, Alabama, Tallahassee, Florida, and Rosemont, Illinois. You can get all your tickets at theovan. Com/tour, and happy early holidays to everyone. Remember, don't buy through a secondary website. Go through our website so you're not getting those heightened ticket prices. Thank you so much for your support. We do have new merch items, back by popular demand, the Hitter Hunting Club collection. We've also got the hitter bait and tackle tease. Those are new, baby. If you like to rod and reel them, baby, get all these and more at theovanstore. Com, the only place to get our merch.

We are coming to you live today from Austin, Texas, at Media Pouch, where we're taping. We are grateful today to get to spend time with this fellow. He is performing in New York City this week. You can get those tickets. He is one-half of the superhero Hero Squad, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. He just reached five years of marriage, and I'm happy to get to spend time today with Mr. Matt McCusker.

I'm on to I went to a steam room today.

Did you really?

Yeah. Just steam. It wasn't anything else?

Yeah. Have you been in there? Have you been in that?

Is it like a just a steam room or attached to a gym?

Oh, no, it's attached to the gym. It's in the bathroom or whatever. There's a song. Like a room of steam.

It's intense. I thought you said you went to a specific place called the steam room. It was a new thing that's just a steam.

You walk in, it's just steamy as hell. I wonder if that would ever be a good business if you had another business that also at the time was a steam room. That's what I'm saying.

Get your hair cut and just sweat.

Yeah. Or a radio shack. Oh, that'd be nice. They're trying to look at batteries.

They could have stayed in business. If they just cranked up the steam.

Well, radio shack, it was almost like where you almost just go there to ask the guy a question, and then you would leave. It became that place after a while.

It did. Once the internet came out, you'd be like, What battery are you in for this? And you'd be like, I got it right on. Get Amazon and be like, Right, nice. Yeah.

You'd even buy it in front of Yeah.

That's what Best Buy is, too.

Yeah.

They don't know shit at Best Buy. What camera do I? They're like, Oh. The last couple of times I went to Best Buy to ask about cords and shit. They're just like, I don't really know, man. I'm like, all right, dude, what the fuck? What's the point in this place?

Yeah, it's bullshit. Yeah, they don't know. And then they'll walk over to another guy. That's the craziest thing. Let me ask my... And they'll be like a coworker or whatever. And then they'll go over there, and then the people will just start laughing. The guy will slip, the guy will join, and then they'll just walk out of the place.

It's sad, man. Last time I went to Best Buy, it was just two dudes. One guy was struggling at a cash register. He didn't even have the uniform on. And then two other guys were just talking, and it was 10 minutes of people just watching this guy struggling. I was like, Yo, can you guys come help? And they were like, Yeah, man, I guess. He walked over. I'm like, All right. It's crazy. Customer service dipped during COVID. It's over now.

That's a great point, huh?

Yeah, we told them they were heroes.

Yeah, it's true. Yeah, they called them all frontline workers and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of them were not heroes. I mean, some of them were, I guess. I guess, actually, DoorDash was the heroes for sure. Yeah. Nurses, remember they were crying and everything. They were scared.

Well, yeah, they actually did suck to be a nurse because they were in grounds. Nobody knew really what it was. Right. So being around it all the time would suck. You had to hold your breath the whole time. I would have tried to breathe as As least as possible.

Yeah. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. You're just talking to somebody really fast like that. You're like, I got to get. I got to put this talking. I got to get out of the room. Yeah, that'd be nuts, man. Yeah, dude, I wonder if it'd be a good steam, if you could double. Because I like double style businesses like that.For sure.You know? Like a shoe store, but also what?

A shoe store barbershop. I'm going to keep using barbershop.That would make sense.Yeah, because you're already sitting there. That would make sense, yeah.Wow. They come, bring you a new pair of shoes, and you're like, dude, I might as well walk out of here with a fresh haircut and fresh shoes. Yeah. Double businesses are a good idea.I didn't even think about that.It's.

Time for it.

It is.

It's time. Dog grooming and maybe sporting goods or whatever.

There you go. Or jiu-jitsu.Oh, yeah.You can just tussle a little bit while your dog's getting up. Do you do jiu-jitsu?

I don't do it anymore, man.

Did you do it for a while?

I'll go back and do it once I'm done touring. I just kept getting hurt.

That's the problem with it. I did it for a while, and it's just like, your back gets fucked up, and you're like... At the end of it, too, it's like, I could just get a gun. It's like, you could just defend yourself.

Yeah, you could. I mean, that's the new jiu-jitsu of gone, I guess. But it's like, I wonder... Sometimes I wonder if... I guess if I had a superpower, maybe it would be I'd want to do jiu-jitsu. I'd want to know every jiu-jitsu.

Be nasty at it.

I mean, just fucking gifrap a dude. True.

It's a lot better, too. If you're at a restaurant to choke a guy out in front of everyone and just shoot him in the face. No one's going to be like, Dude, nice. That was also.

Yeah, and it's a mess. You got to clean up, get to wait around. Yeah.

Just spray somebody's brains everywhere. People are going to be like, Dude, that was aggressive. That was aggro. People are like, God, Carl.

Yeah, bro, that'd be a good superpower, I think, to just know everything. It was in you. What would you have, you think, if you had a superpower, you think?Fly.

Really? Yeah, I'd fly. It'd be awesome.

Would it, though? Think of how... Dude, if Have you even stuck your head out of a window when you're going super fast?

Yeah, I'd be chill about it. Dude, imagine if I floated into this room and sat in the chair. Dude, those things are tough, dude. Are they? I was struggling earlier. You got to use your shirt. I'm so happy I didn't do that on camera. You got to use your shirt. I was in there, dude, struggling, dude. Hold on, dude.

Stop, bro.

That water's not for weaklings, dude.

This thing's broken, huh?

It's crazy. I had to put it on my shirt and just fucking wrench it.

God, that would be my superpower I think, would be able to get in here. No, I think my superpower... Hold on a second. I do need to take a second.

You got that. Hold on. That's a dangerous angle. That's a dangerous angle to open water, dude.

Do that I got a handle my to hell, bro. A lot of when you lock your hips in, dude. Very arm bar.

True. I love to do jiu-jitsu.

But yeah, my superpower. I think mine would be if you went into the bathroom not being able to know if somebody had pooped in there recently.

That would be nice. It was like when you take a dump, it doesn't smell. If you had that for everybody.

But it's like the second you walk into a bathroom, you can tell if somebody's dumped recently, if somebody with perfume did dump.

You want to know if they dumped or not know?

I don't want to not know. I don't want to know anything. That'd be my superpou. To not have it. Because you can't trick your mind to not know.

But if the seat's warm, you're going to be like, that's the worst. And you sit down at an airport bathroom and the seat's 98.6 degrees and you're like, fuck, dude.

Dude, Yeah, fuck, man. Bro, and some people do dumps right on to... They won't even flush the toilet at an airport or whatever. They'll do dumps right on to pee.

I actually, I've come around. I shit on planes now. No, you have to because otherwise, you're going to fart like a coward and stink the whole plane up. So now I do the valiant thing. I walk by everyone, and I sit down there for 15 minutes, and they all know what I did.

Do you take a newspaper? I will take my book.

If I'm reading a book, I'll take a book with me, and I'll just I'm trying to get this. They got to really just get rid of the stigma because it's like, dude, otherwise, you're just going to fart silently and just ruin the whole flight, which I also do sometimes. But it's like, now I'm like, no, this is juvenile. I got to go like a man and shit on this plane.I'll be back in a little bit.Just right next from the stewardess. Yeah, I'll be back.

That's crazy. If you tell the person next to you, I'll be back in a little bit. Hold my calls if you say that.

Like, yo, man, I've been farting my ass off. I'm going to go take a shit now just so I don't want to cause you any more grief. But yeah, dude, everyone I'm crazy for sitting on planes, but it's the righteous move.

Yeah, I never thought it.

It's liberating. It's liberating once you're like, I don't need to hold this. This is totally normal. Natural. Everyone has to take a shit right now.

What's crazy to me is talking to somebody and trying to guess if they have poop in their body at that moment or not. It makes me so feel uncomfortable. It's like, just tell me.

Yeah, true. If somebody... I know some people who can't hold it in at all. I can hold it in. I can hold it in for a disturbingly long period of time. But now I'm like, why would I do Well, some people poop every day.

I do.

You don't poop every day?

No way. You do?

Multiple. I definitely once. Multiple times? Sometimes twice. Yeah, definitely once. Oh my gosh, dude. You don't poop every day?

Do you sleep outdoors on a farm? You poop multiple times a day.

Sometimes.

When your owner gets home.

That's crazy. Definitely once, sometimes twice.

Oh, my God. How much do normal people have it? It's three times a day, three times a week. That's what I do three times a week.

Okay, it's three times a day, two, three times a week.

Way too high. So we're both in, I guess, the range. I didn't know people were doing it multiple. That's crazy. Fucking, what are you doing? You're wasting. How much of your light? How long does it take to even do a poop on average?

It depends if I'm really... If I'm on my phone, I could sit there literally forever. But come on, man, 12 seconds.

On average, a bowel movement takes about 12 seconds?

I'm going to show my wife that next time she's on the seat and be like, Bro, you got 12 seconds. Get the fuck back in there with these kids, dude. No shit breaks.

Oh, my God. So it's more of a rodeo than it is really, like a relaxing thing. I guess who made poops relaxing?

Somebody hit them with the max. Maximum 10 to 15 minutes. Twelve seconds is crazy, dude.

Twelve seconds is crazy. Who could even do twelve seconds? Oh, that guy. Who's that bull rider?

Damn, look, they say it's relaxing because it stimulates the vagal nerve.

If you ride a bull, you could probably poop very fast. There you go. J. B. Monty right there. J. B. Monty? What do they have to say it?

Monty. Monty? I don't know. What's his deal? He's the number one bull rider.

Yeah, he passed away, though. Did he really?

No, he's not dead. Where'd he die from?

I'm not sure.

Is he-Oh, never mind.

He's on Instagram. He's good.

Okay. He's not dead? Yeah, my bad. He was sitting on another cowboy's lap. I don't care at all. He's a bull rider. He'll do whatever he wants.

But Look, after you've ridden a bull, I think being gay is easy.True..

That's what you're saying.True. That is true.

Yeah. After you've ridden a bull, being gay has got to be like, that's for children.

Eat a piece of cake. That is true. Being gay after Bull riding gay sex, just staying on the back of a dude. You couldn't get that guy off. If you're trying to buck him off, he'd be no problem. God. He'd be spinning around on you. He'd be like, Dude, get off. Yeah.

He'd be eating funnel cakes. He's guessing your weight while you're fucking. Step right up. That's crazy, though. So you were... Yeah, I usually... I will usually poop two, three times a week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, usually.

I was about to say your Monday, When is it? Friday? Yeah, I'm every day, bro. I'm every day. Weekends, too. If I miss... For sure. That's when I really chill. But if it's like...

Yeah, it's your weekend. You're shit.

Definitely, dude. Oh, my God. I look forward. It's such a... The one thing I will say, Have you ever shit while you're really stoned? That's uncomfortable. I've done that before. I've taken a strong wheat edible, and you have to take a dump in the middle of it, and it's just like... I think it's the worst part of it.

Oh, that seems crazy.

It's very wretched. Yeah, you get very much like... You feel like an animal, and you're like, What am I doing? He's taking a gross shit. It's not good.

That makes me sad.

Yeah, it is. It literally just makes you sad. You're high, you think everything's cool, then you take disgusting shit.

Well, imagine, say, if you Some people used to get their pets high or whatever. And then watching your dog, like my buddy, it would get his dog high, I guess. I think this is when it was legal or something. And he would get it high, and then it would start to poop and it would fall over. It couldn't even...

It fucks their legs up. When dogs eat weed, it fucks their legs up. They eat mushrooms, they're sharp as tacks. Really? Yeah. Inovertently, my dog ate a little bit of mushrooms one time. No problem. In Austin? No, this was back in Philly. He had a little bit of weed one time, and he was He couldn't walk. I just had to hold him. We just watched a movie. I watched a movie and just held him. Oh, that's cool. Weed is not good for dogs. Mushrooms, I would argue. Yeah. He was chilling.

It would be great to see if dogs started using shrooms or whatever just to see how they started to put new things together. That would be pretty fascinating.

Dude, I will say he was more well-behaved. It could just be me, but he never listened. It was like an accident. I put something in a little tea bag, and I threw it in the trash, and he just ate the tea bag. Yeah. I was like, Shit. I just let him outside, and he just zoomed around and went back in. I was like, Right.

That's pretty cool. How do dogs do on mushrooms? Can we bring that up, actually? I can't believe this isn't a huge study or something.

They get into edibles all the time. That is for real a problem.

Yeah, there's always that stone kid in your high school who used that laser and he's like...

Yeah. It's really once you're like, Yeah, it's... Okay, that's toxic.

Funny doggy, psychoactive shrooms. There you go.

This guy looks like he's struggling. This guy looks like he's not having a good time.

Bro, he might have done a heroic dose. This little mixed felt like, Wow, bro. Dude, that's like your marriage, dude. That's awesome, dude.

Shortly after this, I rushed him to the vet.

Oh, my God. What was covered was Roxy had found wild shrooms growing.

This guy's such a liar. No, they didn't. How the fuck did the vet realize that?

There he goes. Wow, bro.

Oh, no.

So super attentive.

See, my dog might have microdosed, though. So maybe it was just more chilling.

This person filming him. That's so wicked.

She didn't seem afraid. She didn't seem afraid of fact the opposite. She seemed to be enjoying the experience. All right. I mean, maybe so.

But this shows you if humans... Some people say that there's the stone ape theory or whatever, that if that humans ate, that apes ate mushrooms, and that's how we eventually evolved, you could start to see it with this dog.

This dog is on to something. Yeah. Dude, I think there's something to that, though, the Stone d'Ape theory. I don't think it's that crazy because our brain size, I don't know if it doubled. It grew very quickly out of nowhere. Did it really? Yeah. Back in the day, our brains were small, and out of nowhere, they were just...

And they fattened in it.

They don't know why it happened. Really? I have no idea. I guess they looked at skull sizes and they were like, damn. Let's see it. Something happened where our brains just went nuts.

According to current understanding, the human brain roughly doubled in size over a period of around 2 million years. There we go. With the most rapid expansion happening between 800,000 and 200,000 years ago, marking a significant brain boom.

My thing, if dogs have been around forever, are their Our brain's growing, too?

It's a great question. Have dogs' brains evolved? Human brains have tripled in size since the beginning of the human family tree, which dates back around seven million years ago. Wow. So our brains are getting bigger. See, this for me ties And it's straight into believing. If you look at an alien, your usual picture of an alien, it's this body that has no definition, huge head. Exactly. It's like, eventually, that's what we'll turn into. We are. It's like this. You don't need to use any muscle. Everything's there. Just machinery. It comes into your body through a tube, leaves out, you don't have to poop three times a week or a day and on weekends.

They're probably pretty regular, though.

Aliens?

No, definitely not. Do you know sloths shit once a month? No way. They come down from the tree and they just shit every 30 days. Like an enormous pile of shit.

Must take an hour. Bring it up.

Takes a while. It's pretty funny. They come down real slow. Once a week, my bad.

So let's use once a week. Now, that makes sense.

Daily. Women sloss daily when they're in heat. I must be in heat then. That's why I'm dumping all the time. I'm so damn horny.

Because I wonder if there's... Yeah, I wonder if your body wants to have poop in it or doesn't. Probably doesn't.

Doesn't. Yeah, I would say not. I would say it doesn't. You feel so much better.

When you don't have it in you?

How does it feel? So the fact that you do that every couple of days, is that beating off where it feels great? If you hold it in for three days?

Well, it definitely feels more of an organized crime. Really? Yeah, it's more... It's just not you're just fucking showing up. It's not like this spraying bullets in the air. It feels like you just got that fucking John Wilkes poop. You fucking rolled up with one fucking purpose. So it's just like, bam, very organized, very Japanese, almost. Really?

Yeah. You feel it coming. You're like, I knew this moment would arrive.

Yes, it's fucking, yeah. It's like you paid extra for the wrapping. It's just very... It feels like how it's supposed to happen. Not somebody, the second they get a bullet in the gun, they just.

Not like as soon as you wake up every day? Yeah, they just spray in at the neighbors. I will say waking up in the middle of the night and having to shit is upsetting. Oh, dude. You're in total darkness, and then you have to turn on the light. Yeah, that's terrible.

Because all you have to do is go back to sleep. You do not have to. Nothing in the world is saying, Hey, poop now. Save yourself some time, or whatever. You can just-You're saying it's like a life hack to shit in the middle of the night. That's what some people think, dude. It's like, they think it's a life hack. I'm like, what? It is not a life hack.

Well, I've tried to ignore it, but you can ignore. You can wake up and you're like, I got to pay, but you're like, I'm good. Then you wake up and your side fucking hurts and you're like, oh, shit. But if you try to hold in and dump and go to sleep, it's like, you just got to get out of bed.

But the crazy thing is sometimes you'll get up, so then you'll see you sit down, right? You sit down. Down. And then the problem is you start to doze off. That's the worst.

That's how Elvis died. Yeah. Yeah, he just dozed off while shitting, he died.

Well, doze and off in a dying.

Yeah, he overdosed. It's dangerous when you shit while you're sleepy.

Man, Elvis is so tired. He ain't coming back.

Yeah, it just sucks. Especially when you turn the lights on from pitch blackness, you see the veins in your thighs and shit. You're just very sad. Yeah, it's disgusting.

It's very sad. And then here's the worst thing that can happen to you. There's a video of a guy, his house caught on fire, something. He was on the toilet, but his legs had fallen asleep. And so then he tries to run out and he came in. No. Yeah. Are you serious? That happens a lot. If you're sitting there for a long time, your legs will fall asleep.

Yeah, that is a problem. I got a nasty hemorrhid one time. I'm sorry, the subject matters.

We don't talk about this stuff much, so I think it's okay.

We should talk about it more.

Because people should be okay talking about it. It's not crazy.

Yeah, it happens all the time. This is actually important. I thought you could just sit on the toilet forever and just scroll your phone and hide from your family. But I got a hemroid. And dude, I looked it up, and if you sit there for too long, because I like to read and stuff on the toilet. Now, that's why I'm all business. I'm in and out. It's like, dude, those things suck. And they come from sitting there too long.

Well, yeah, your body. It's crazy because your body literally wants to get out of your ass, which is like... You would think your body's happy, the insides of you, but they're like, nah.

No, dude. It's nonstop.

They're just peeking around the corner.

Yeah. Your body never gets a break. You sleep, thank God, but your cells are still moving. It never gets a fucking true rest.

That's true, man.

It's bullshit.

Yeah, man. I couldn't believe... Yeah, I I just I can't believe how much some people do. Because to me, pooping feels like you have to earn it. If somebody just, I'll go shit or whatever. I got some time to kill it. That's crazy to me, dude.

That is true. You got to wait till it's there.

Who are you?

No, you're absolutely right.

Franz Ferdinand or whatever. Are you the Prince of Royals or whatever? What are you even...

I used to be able to pee. I think I I can still do it. I can pee at any time. I can make myself pee.

At any point.

Any point, I can get pee out. It's weird.

So somebody runs up, gun to the head, pee now.

Dude, I literally... So when I was little, I was down the beach with my cousins and stuff, and we were out of bed. We were real little. We're fucking around. We're supposed to be in bed. We were just running around. And my uncle came down. He's like, I told you guys to go to bed. And I was like, Oh, I got to pee. And I didn't have to pee. He's like, prove it. And he made me and my cousin fucking pee. And I fucking was just like, we'll see. And I just peed. And ever since, I just known how to do it. It was like... That's your superpower. It is my superpower. I can pee at any time. That's awesome. It was like, dude, my uncle was like, it was like a fucking probation officer. He was like, go ahead and pee. I had to put my back to him. And I was like, come on, come on, come on. I was pumped.

Dude, I would always get nervous in the locker room or whatever that my penis wasn't good or whatever. Because my brother also was an asshole. He took a marker and write not good next to my penis. And I was like, what an asshole. I was always super paranoid. But I would always try to shake it against my leg to get it fired before I turn around in the locker room or whatever.

That's good. No, dude, that's a real thing, though. If you're at a rest stop, I don't know why, but when you're peeing, you can I periferially see other dicks just out the very corners of your eye, and they always look just enormous every single time. I don't know if you've ever encountered that.

Yeah, I don't get that.

I got a crazy peripheral. Really? I'm just tormented, dude. I'm peeing. I'm like, oh, my God.

This hog is everywhere.

It's just wild hog.

Razorback fans.

It's just wild hog.

Bill Clinton.

I just always pull my balls up, too, in a urinal. So if anyone catches me, they're like, oh, shit.

It should be where if you squeeze your balls, that stuff goes into your wiener and makes it bigger. That's what God should have done.

That would be good design. Absolutely.

Or make your ball... I always wanted to stack my balls. I always wish that they were squared or whatever. I agree. When you mean business, you're like, All right, motherfucker.

Stacking them up would be nice. Just roll them.

That he's stacking in his sack right now. So he's about to get an ax woven, and then I'm going to go, Shit, this weekend.

Stack nuts would be nice. Stack you nuts to take his shit. Over uncle's like, Pea right now. You're like, Or check this out. You're like, Yeah, you stacked your nuts. You can go and drink a beer with me, dude.

I'm like, This fellow's an architect, didn't he? God damn. Wow.

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Happy anniversary, dude.

Thank you, man.

You just had a five-year anniversary. Yeah, thank you. Did you guys do something special for it? Or how does that work? Do you feel like You don't have to?

No, I don't. But I'm not really like the... I'm not big on milestones and stuff. Obviously, we did something. I don't know what we did. I think we went to dinner. But no, we didn't really do anything that crazy. 10 maybe We'll do something cool. But especially with little kids, it's like, you can't really do. We can't go on a trip. We could, but it's just a pain in the ass. You're gone for two days, they're freaking out. So, yeah, we just chilled, man. We're just five years, trying to do five more. That's all it is.

Did it feel exciting? Did you have a moment for yourself where you were like, wow, it's pretty cool?

Well, to be fair, I thought we had been together for 10 years total. So I originally was together 10 years, married for five. And she was like, Dude, we've been together for nine years. I was like, right Right on. So I was stoked. I was like, damn, it's the longest relationship I've ever been in.

Yeah. I was like, That's sick. When you're telling me that, yeah, it's cool. Yeah, five years of marriage is very... That's a big deal now.

Oh, yeah. They claim that the true power struggle last for the first five years or a giant power struggle where you both try to who gets to say this, who gets to... There's a million little things you have to hammer out agreements on. It might be silly, but it's like, how full should the trash get? Should you I'm not going to put this stuff away? There's just a bunch of stuff.

For sure, I can only imagine that.

And you have a power struggle, who gets to say what? I think it's real because it has subsided a lot in terms of just bickering over stupid shit.

Do you look forward to seeing your wife when you get home and stuff?

I do. I look forward to Me and her, the kids, especially if they go away. Yeah, dude, there's a post.

That's you?

Yeah, bro. I was a bad boy back then.Oh.

My God.That.

Was us now.

There you go.Look.

At that, dude.That's cool. But yeah, the kids are the big ones, man. They run and give you a big hug, but it's just nice to have the central unit every day to go back to.

Is there ever moments where the kids favor one or the other and that hurt your feelings?

All the time. Bro, what? All the time. See it all the time.

That would break my heart.

When they're really little, they don't want anything to do with the dad for the most part, which is like, all right, I could deal with that. And now they're rolling me. But they'll go back and forth between who they want to put them to bed. Honestly, though, when they're like, We want mommy to put us to bed, I'm like, whatever. But I They would do that. They're all about me for a while, and I could see it would hurt my wife's feelings a lot. Yeah. But then they always switch back. Eventually, they'll be like, fuck you. We want mom. If one of us are away, they want the other one.

Yeah. It's like the portal in the football or whatever. The what? They're like, I'm hitting the portal. I'm going to mom.

Yeah, for real.

She's got N-I-L launchables over here.

As long as you're together, I think it's cool. But the separating man, that's such a nightmare to navigate, it seems like, because then it's like you have two different houses. I know myself. I'd make my house more fun than So you can start doing that shit.

Oh, yeah. I'm getting big speakers and shit.

It'd be so nasty, dude. But it's also like, yeah, it's just hard. I think, what is it? I think divorce is actually going down, but it's still like, 45% of marriages get divorced.

That's crazy.

What is it?

Do you have a key you feel like... Let me see. In the United States, the percentage of marriages that end in divorce varies by the number of times a couple has been married. Interesting.

This is my second, too. So the odds are not in my favor.

Wow. So first marriage is 41% of first marriages end in divorce. Second marriage is 60%. Third marriage is 73%.

Yeah. Fourth marriage is just a man.

Yeah.

Fourth marriage is 100% of the time ended in divorce. Yeah, man. What were you asking?

Is there any secret? Do you have a secret? Do you have something that you feel like you've honestly learned? Or you've been like this? This helps, or this is something that I had to adjust about myself or anything like that? Yeah.

For me, it's like, I can only speak for myself, but it's like, and I think you could say to other people, but it's like, as a person, you have massive blind spots as the stuff you do that's not great. And it takes a lot when you get input on those things. It's so easy to be like, fuck you. Shut up. You don't know what you're talking about. But over time, it can almost give you insight in the aspects of yourself that you're like, yeah, I could probably change this a little bit. Or even in the heat of arguments, I'll hear something she'll say. And before I even have time, I'll be like, fuck that. That's bullshit. Then it'll be a part of my brain. We're like, fuck, that's valid. But I'll be like, fuck this. I'm not losing this argument. So you start to get better at being like, You're right. That was fucked up of me. And then also you have to be like, But this is something. So it's just learning how to communicate. In order to communicate, you got to take in a lot of bad stuff about yourself without completely just getting to level 10, which you don't even realize is happening.

If that makes sense.

I guess you have somebody that you... I guess you were like, Okay, I trust my spouse. I care about them, so I'm going to listen to some of their feedback.

Yeah. It's one of those, especially if you're simultaneously bothering each other, you're programmed to be like, the thing you're doing is worse than the thing you think I'm doing. And you have to take perspective. Damn. All right, that's valid. And it literally feels like you're moving an 800 pound stone to just be like, all right, maybe that is something annoying I do. Maybe that is a personal weakness of mine. It's just fucking hard. But you learn how to do it. I think it helps in the long run. Yeah. But it's just like, there's just so many facets to it. Because then you have kids, then it's like, well, who gets to dictate the philosophy of the house and the flow of thing? It's just a It's been a lot, dude. Yeah.

Do you have to have conversations about that stuff? All the time.

You have to talk about that stuff all the time.

How should we parent? Yeah. Wow.

That's cool, though. But then you can't do it in front of the kids. But then as it's going on, every cell in your body is like, say it now, and you have to sit there and wait. And then there's never a good time. Then it's night time. It's right before bed. Something that actually bothered me today. It's like, that's not a good time. You can't do it first thing in the morning.

And you can't do that thing where you're just in the room, but being loud, but being quiet. You ever do that shit? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm the king of that. I'll lay down and be like, What's the matter? Nothing. Just wait for three days. I'm like, Actually, what was bothering me the other night.

You've been fucking just picking your skin off in the garage, drinking PBRs back there. God, dude. Yeah, that's so wild. Being loud but being quiet is the craziest behavior. It's insane.

If I see someone else do it, I'm like, what are you fucking crazy? But I'll definitely be like... Sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it. I'll get into bed and just be like, I'll hear her be like, What's the matter? I'm like, Why? She's like, You just sighed heavily. I'm like, Did I? I didn't realize I did that. Yeah, it's good. You know what I mean? It's one It's one of those things you don't know because it's like... It's like you hear, what you're going to call it? It's not a slam on Matt Ryf. He had that special red flags, and it's not like that taps into a big thing of online dating, all the stuff where it's like, if anyone exhibits any sign of weakness, that's a red flag, abandon ship immediately. But everybody has them. And eventually you got, and again, I'm not slamming the Ryf man for that. It was just he's tapping into like, no, that's just a popular consciousness of the young online daters. Totally. But it's like this red flag philosophy is Everybody has red flags.

Exactly. What are you going to do? Now everybody's like, Fuck everybody. Yeah.

Not everybody's fucking dope as hell, dude. Everyone's got fucking major issues going on.

You think everybody spuds McKinsey or whatever?

Yeah, dude. It's like-Out of your mind. That's the thing where it's like, you have to... I think couples counseling is a great thing. A lot of people like, it's a fucking waste of time. If you got to do that, it's already over. And it's like, I think it's great. Because then it enters a... It's the best thing when you're arguing, it's like, I'm the boss, I'm the boss, and you just clash. You give the authority to another figure. And then it's like, when you do couples counseling, if your wife's right, it gets to... Instead of hitting you like a laser beam, it goes to that person. They can relate. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like every now and again, another person with degrees and shit will be like, actually, your husband's right about this, and you're just like...

It's like he's a starling.

It is. I think it's great for people. It just helps because you don't want to hear it from the other person. You know what I If my wife's telling me something, I'm like, I don't want to hear this shit. If she tells him, then he tells me, I'm like, That is actually a fantastic point. I'm not trying to be a dick.

It just works. No, bro. I mean, people have to... How do you bridge a topic? Say there's something you want to talk to your wife about. How do you do it?

Dude, so I've learned before I would just boil quietly and then explode. Now, what I do, I'll wait.

Just like violent Irish. Like the Irish hello.

Exactly. Another fucking thing What I do now...

Freckles of flying across.

They're just bouncing off each other. The problem is it's like, all right, I have a piece of information. If I relate to this person, they're going to have a big emotional reaction. That's going to get me all upset, so I'll just keep it to myself. So eventually, what I learned to do is be like, I got to tell you something, then this is actually going... This could potentially get you upset. So that way, they're not caught off guard. They're like, That catches them, and they're like, All right, they have time to prepare themselves. And then you hit them with the information rather than just being like, Yeah, that really fucking bothered me three days ago. And they're just like, What the fuck is this? For me, it's like, I have to preface the fact that I'm about to bring up something that could be potentially upsetting.

That's a good way to do it.

Dude, it works so much.

It works so much better. Then they're also not thinking that you also wanted to catch me off guard. That's two things you're doing. You're telling them something that's going to upset them, and then you're also surprising them.

Exactly. And with this, you're like, I don't know, it shows you care to be like, Hey, I don't want to I upset you, but I have no other choice than to relay this information to you. So prepare yourself. Now, here's the information. 1,000% of the time, or it works like a thousand % better every time because it sucks. You're going to share stuff constantly back and forth. That's just like, Not great. And that's why I think it is long term. It's good to be in long term relationships, I think. But everyone's different. That's the other thing. Yeah. So could be fucking... Maybe some people might not be the thing.

Yes. It's tough to figure out. I mean, I don't know anything.

The question then is, how much flack do you take? How much stress do you take before you're supposed to call it quits? There's no real answer on that.

Right. Where do they... How does that go? I'm watching some friends and stuff go through divorces, and it's really challenging. But then I'm also watching friends stay together who are trying to just battle it and figure it out because that's what they want the story of their life to be.

That could be terrible, too. Because that can get to the place where you just... I've been in houses where it's like the parents fucking hate each other They don't talk to each other. That could be even worse, honestly.

Yeah, dude, we had a dude on our street when I was growing up. He tried to burn his family down three fucking times, and his wife stayed with him every time. I was like, What are you guys doing? For real?

Yeah.

You are a dumb lady. Yeah. And everybody knew. Everybody knew how much he didn't like her.

I would say. I would say. Just try to cook the house.

Yeah, just fucking... But animals... People are animals. Raccoons will eat their young, just so they'll go in heat, so another raccoon will come and have sex with them again. What? That's crazy behavior.

They'll eat their babies, get piped down.

Now, I'm not saying what city this is happening in, but I'm just saying that, yes, dude.

So they'll, for real, that's crazy. Because what, just munching your baby puts you in heat?

Yeah. Male raccoons, also known as boors, can kill a baby raccoon in a practice called infanticide. This can happen for a number of reasons, including sexual dominance.

Oh, Oh, they'll kill. Okay, so the mom will... Wait, the mom will eat it. The dad raccoon will kill the baby so the mom can't come up with any bullshit excuses.Not.

To want to make love.Yeah..

You think you're fucking... Just gobble the babies and be like, We're fucking now.Wow.I know you love this shit, you bastard.

I'm turning this living room into a soup plantation right now. That's bogers, dude.

Damn, they're like romantic novels. Must be crazy, too. Just a fucking cover of a jacked with a baby in his mouth.

It's a woman raccoon. Have you seen that raccoon that plays dead and he put that broomstick over him to make it look like it hit him? You haven't? Find that video, bro.Unbelievable.That's crazy.

I didn't know that, though.

This is the fucking craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. They're so...

Raccoons are rad, dude. I love racuons.

They're very un... Yeah, they're fucking Mafia squirrels, dude. They are serious about this shit.

Dude, they're a bear family. They're just crazy.

Yeah, keep looking forward and find it if you can for me. It's a video.

Yeah, that sounds awesome.

What else has been happening, man? How's things been?

I got this aura ring, so I've been tracking my biometric data. That's been fun. Nuh-uh. Yeah, it does stress, it does sleep. It's pretty cool.

What? I've never even seen that. Can you take it off or you can't?

I can take it off, yeah.

Check it out. It's just a ring, and it brings up the information.

It tracks your sleep, it tracks your stress, Yes. Here we go.

Yeah, this is great. Look at this.

What the fuck?

This is a couple of minutes long.

Maybe. Let's see. What is that thing? Yo. That's a good guy, dude. It's a flying squirrel. Dude, that's nuts.

Wow.

That's all I know. I wish this would have happened.

This is Somebody meet on Craigslist for sure. Dude, we got the guy from Craigslist coming on. What? Craig. Do you really? Yeah, next week.

What the hell?

Pretty excited about that.

Dude, you know how many blow jobs that guy is responsible for? Yeah. For real, millions.

That's crazy. Free. There's got to be a ton of kids out there that happen because of him.

Probably, too. Yeah, true. I didn't think about that.

Bro, I met a woman once. We met at a bar, right? Met her off of personal encounters, whatever. Met her at a bar, I figured it. I figured that if she wouldn't be... Who knew? I figured she might be a man or whatever, but hopefully, she wasn't.

Nice.

That was my attitude. And then I go there, bro, smoking hot, bro. What? I'm like, You got to be kidding me. This lady's going to kill me or whatever, drink my blood or whatever. Yeah. So goes back to my place. She covered anything in my place that had any light, closed all, covered the VCR thing, like in no light at all.

I do that, by the way. You do? I don't like fucking lights when I'm sleeping. I would put like, no.

For sex, she did it.

Oh, she did it for sex. She didn't want the cam, probably.

You think I'm just going to invite somebody just to fucking sleep in my place?

You got to get to know her, dude.

You think I'm going to fucking... Bro, meeting somebody and then letting them sleep in your house really is a crazy practice now.

Dude, it was casual encounters, dude. That's true.

That's pretty casual.

You're right.

Why don't I try to make them more than it is?

True. So she covered every source of light and then had sex with you? Yeah. What did you think about that?

I don't know. I was willing to do it. I knew that, but I didn't know much else after. I just knew it was very interesting. I couldn't tell if she didn't want to see me, if she was scared. Yeah, maybe she was nervous that there was a camera.

Yeah. What's the... If you don't mind me asking, what's that Craigslist pussy like?

I don't remember it that good, but it was pretty... It was fine, I guess. It was pretty... Yeah. Yeah. A normal woman.

I'm glad that worked out for you. Every time I've sold a lot of things on Craigslist, just like I've sold cars on Craigslist. I think I bought a Gameboy advance for my sister on here for Christmas. Do you ever meet anyone to buy or sell anything?

No. People are getting attacked. A buddy of mine was buying some walkie talkies or trying to sell some walkie talkies the other day, and he got fucking jumped. Did he really? Yeah.

Dude, everyone I've met from Craigslist, I just assume they die 10 minutes after we meet. They always seem like they're on their last leg. Every time I sell someone, I'm like, That guy's definitely dead. As soon as he would buy a car, I'm like, Well, that guy's gone. That guy had a heart attack in the car. One time on Craigslist, we were like, we had a fireplace.

I remember the first time I ever had a fireplace. I was like, We got to use this. Me and my friend were sharing a living room, dude. It's my buddy's apartment. We had put bed in the living room, and we had a fireplace, and they're like, Let's make it nice. That's pretty cool. It was really exciting.

Did you ever tell people that it was your spot, but your boy was just crashing?

Yeah, I'd say he did it from the army. That's what I was telling.

Me and my friend shared a bedroom in a college. Same thing. I'm like, I'm like my buddy crashing that top bunk, man. I feel bad for the guy.

That's what I always say. He's on the lead from the army, and we even had a fake army bag that was just stuff with sheets, and we put it by the extra bed. This is awesome. Make it look legit. That's awesome. So one day we're like, we need firewood, right? So that's what you have to have. So we look on the thing, free firewood, right? Or something. It's 13 miles away. We just moved to LA. It took us an hour and 30 minutes to go get it. It was out in a diamond bar. And we drive all the way out there. And it's just like somebody had literally taken a big chiffere robe or something and just batted it together with a bat, beating the shit out with an ax. And so it just chipped up fucking wood, right? So it's We put it in my buddy's fucking hatchback. Just fill this thing with chips of wood. Bring it all the way back. Dude, we burned all that wood in like twelve minutes.

It was a kindling. It was gone.

It took like an entire day.

That sucks.

La was so hard in the beginning, man. We bought a refrigerator off Craigslist. We get it home. This was on my birthday, and it wouldn't go in the fuck. We were literally running against it and trying to push it in, dude. I remember leaning against it and just fucking crying, bro.

Dude, I had to move myself one time, and I was trying to get a box spring up to the second floor of the bedroom. And same thing, it wouldn't fit. I dropped it, let it fall, and just cried on the same. It's so frustrating, dude. Lest we forget. Dude, just moving and not being able to fit something. It's like, Where am I going to get another box spring from? I just am pissed off. I'm carrying this thing by myself. And you just go clump, and you're like, Dude, fuck.

And life just wins, and you just can't do it anymore.

Yeah. God. I never got a box spring either. That was just it. I just put a mattress down. I thought I could have a box spring, be a normal guy.

Yeah.

No, it sucks.

Dude, my buddy, I used to sleep under his bed for a while, and he would have girls come over, and they'd always go to the restroom or something before they were going to make And he'd come in there, he'd wake me up, and he'd be like, Don't fucking... But he'd wake me up and tell me to don't wake up.

Don't be jacking off there.

It was just crazy. I wasn't going to wake up. I was being asleep. Yeah, I was-He was like, Dude, don't fucking wake up. I got a check over.

So you were just fucking vampire underneath.

I was dead asleep. It was 150 bucks a month, dude.

That's not bad.

That was a great deal, man.

Were you for real under the bed, like a monster? Or was it like a loft thing? Were you How much space did you have? It was like a monster. How much space did you have? Just fucking put my hand, just creeps up the edge. Was it like the loft style set up and you were just going to-No, but it was a nice bed, pretty high bed.

Okay, so you got So, yeah, I had probably, I would say 20 inches under there.

Not bad. Did you get scared when you woke up?

Yeah, probably 19 inches. A couple of times, you start to adapt.

That makes sense. I only have one experience. I slept I went to my cousin's house one time when I was little, and I slept on the floor, but I would move around while I was sleeping. I ended up with half of my body under his bed, and I freaked out when I woke up. I didn't know where the fuck I was. I just looked up and I was like, What the fuck? Yeah. Scary. But I must have been sick to be laying under someone having sex like that.

Yeah, well, it was. I think, lucky, he did it because he was trying to make sure I knew he was hooking up with chicks. He always did that.

Should have gave him a little, just so he would know, just from the bottom.

Just pushed a little with my legs up and get to the bottom of it.

Yeah, give him a little boost. Yeah, give him a little... His leg press him like a quarter inch deeper. That would have been righteous as hell.

That would have been cool.

She would have been like, holy shit. It's a strength of two men. She would have loved that, dude.

Dude, anybody that has sex for more than probably six or seven minutes is out of their fucking mind, right?

It's ridiculous, man.Thank you.I'm.

Praying about this. I'm like, even to say it, I felt afraid to say it. No.

I used to live... Me and Brittany live below a couple, and the guy would just for fucking 40 minutes. And it was just never-ending. We'd be like, Dude, come on, man. This isn't even sexy anymore. It was just like, Dude, what are you doing?

Yeah, it's like, What are you doing? What is the point? Go shit.

Yeah, dude. Just go do anything else. I agree. I mean, if you're really getting after it, 12 minutes top. 12 minutes is crazy.

Yeah, on a par, like on a-Six.

Perfect. Yeah. Yeah. One, two is understandable.

It happens. You have to definitely... I would get so nervous. Sometimes I would get off it. I was like, What was that? I'd run out of there. Just shit. You hear that or something, I'd run out of the fucking room or something. Wait, what do you mean? If I would ejaculate early or whatever.

Oh, true.

What the fuck was that?

Did you feel that earthquake?

What the fuck was that? I just fucking run out of the room. Come back 10 minutes later with my clothes on, just not even It's a good move.

Although I feel like women secretly, not even secretly, they'd much prefer that than if you just couldn't finish. It devastates women. Because you can't finish. People say, Guys are bad. Being like, Oh, folks, you didn't come. But if a dude doesn't come, ever, women will implode.

But that's, I think, the new move is not just coming for just... Just party coming or whatever. People are just coming for fun. I think that's... Those days are over.

Yeah. I mean, do you mean personally or just in the whole thing? I think so for me. Yeah.

It's like, I want to be the guy that ejaculates with a purpose or whatever. Yeah, build it up. Is that crazy? What the fuck am I talking about? Dude, no. That's insane. What am I? I think I'm Steven Douglas. I have the same-I have the same-I have the same ejaculations, dude. I have the same fantasy, though, where I'm like, I'm going to really dial it in.

I'll be tired before bed, and it's like, I'm going to have a beat off even though I'm not horny. That's where I'm at. You don't even want to, but you're like-That's sick.

That's abuse, really. It is. It feels like abuse.

Yeah. You finish and you're like, I didn't need to do that. That was crazy.

Yeah. You feel so much shame. I feel a ton of shame happens for me from watching porno and watching myself jerk myself off.

Watching yourself. Yeah, true. I don't mind jerking off. It's pornography for some reason. When it's over and I'm still watching it, I'm just like, if I can do a memory beat, those I feel pretty guilt-free. Just went out in the shower, just…

Dude, I had a blind dude that lived with us for a bit, and we would fucking… I saw him watching hand porn or whatever it's called.

No.reading like, Braille erradica?Yeah.

Craziest thing ever, man. Really beautiful. Really… I mean, gay. I don't know. I mean, it wasn't gay. It was… But it was pretty cool. It was like, I'm trying to think of what movie The braille is just shaped like boobs and you're just going, Oh, fuck, dude. Well, it was getting pretty crazy. It's crazy. But it's just interesting to see. It's almost like watching the Nature channel.

Yeah, that's not... Oh, there you go.

The Braille Superstore romance. Fuck, dude.

I want to learn braille just so I can do this.

Oh, yeah.

The Love Hypothes. Damn, their titles are very poetic. It ends with us.

It starts with us. Turn around and let me see that sexy body go boom, boom, boom. That's stupid.

No, that was pretty sick. That was pretty bad. Lessons of chemistry, crash and burn. These titles are good. Oh, the Manning sisters, what are they doing? That's probably about Eli and painting. Painting, getting a trans surgery.

Dude, is Eli... Is he just getting carried How long by Payton? Is Payton the one with all the pizazz and Eli just gets carried off.

Did Eli win? Payton definitely won Super Bowl's. But I thought Eli... Not Eli.

Eli won one. Yeah, with the Giants. He beat the Pats, yeah.

And Payton, what? Payton won two?

That's a good question. He went with Denver, didn't he? Yeah.

I think so. Oh, yeah, he did. Because I would have thought Payton was definitely the guy, but apparently Eli was nasty as well.

Oh, Eli was pretty wild, man. Yeah. Eli is definitely funnier to be around when I'm around the two of them. Really? I haven't been around him much. Maybe that sounds like humble bragging. It's not. No. But Payton went to UT, so you see him sometimes in Nashville or in Tennessee. Payton is a great actor.

He's good in those commercials. He actually, yeah, he's pretty good. Also, he probably whooped Eli's ass, dude.

That's a great question.

I do. I can tell. He definitely whooped his ass.

That's a great question.

Dude, I forgot. You're asking me what I've been up to. I've been visiting schools. Now I have to look at real schools. My oldest daughter is going to turn five. That's like kindergarten. So she has to get the real school system. And we were looking at this one place, and they have plain clothes, just like guards now with guns. So it's sick. I was like, dude, I really want to retire and become plain clothes. Just walk around a school, just grow like a ponytail, just become a teacher. That's all you do all day. You carry a gun, you just wait for some nerd to pop off, and you just blast them. Dude, that would be honorable, man.

But what if you start tripping in your head and thinking that somebody's like, some kid is plotting it?

I'm the true detective. I'm Russ Cole of School Security. I'd have to wait till they'd have to pull out first.

You think you would set a kid off?

No. Can you say that? No, you're saying, get all tripped out. Like, damn, is this kid getting paranoid? I know these motherfuckers.

Like, oh, Damian's up to some shit.

I know he's packing. No, I would just wait. I would chill. I'd do my thing. And the moment one of those motherfuckers pulled out the steal, I'll just be there ready to die and just walk them down. That That's your job.

Mr. Walk them down, Criola style.

Walk 'Em Down, bro. And if I die, I die a fucking hero.

You can't die, dude. It's a fucking kid. You have these two hands, even a holding gun.

What if an adult could... Sometimes crazy adults come in.

That's true. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's better.

Let's frame it like that. It's like evil nerds or a fucking just wild adult.Evil nerds.Either one could get it. Yeah, either one could get it. But it's like, dude, that would be... I was just at this school and it was like, a guy I saw the guy because they were like, my wife said, Do you have security? We have plain clothes. I'm like, right on. Then I saw I was sussing out because I see people walking around. As soon as I saw, dude, I'm like, Oh, there's the plain clothes security guard.

Yeah, when I was young, we just had a milf with a hammer running around. We were lucky, dude.

Yeah, we didn't have any security, man. Yeah. We didn't have shit. We did. Yeah, now you need it. Now, dude, the plain clothes guys at a school, that would be so sick just walking around, chilling, knowing like, Yeah, dude.

All I have to do is chill here. Listen to Desperado on your fucking Airpods.

Nonstop. It'd be nothing but shit like that. Just fucking enter Sandman. I was be getting hype for 30 years just being like, let's go. Let's fucking go. Walking Tom, machine gun man.

Bro, I'd be crazy, dude.

Damn, dude. Yeah, by the end of it, I just be tipping my hat to the teachers like, man, all black leather cowboy outfit. It's like, dude, can you be a little more low, dude?

You shit once a week.

I'd roll a tumbleweed before I walked anywhere. I just kick a tumbleweed across me.

People should have their own tumbleweeds, right?

Yeah, dude. Just throw it on a string. Just fish it.

Yeah, a hero should have a couple of tumbleweeds in front of him, dude.

It's true. Just fucking give it. I would just kick it as I walk.

Or even it's some twinks dressed up in hay and stuff.

That'd be nice. That would be nice. Just spinning around. Like a Tonto. Look at Tonto. That was fucking killing me, dude. I kept fucking with my wife. I was like, bro. Wow. I love that. That's the one thing. We went to Chicago, and she was crushing me because she's from there. When we were visiting her family, it was like, You got to be careful now. They kept calling them the Hop Out Boys, which you shouldn't give these guys a cool name like that. But they were like, Dude, you're just hopping out of cars with AR-15s and just car jacking people. My wife was telling me about it the whole time. She hates when I do this, but I'll be like, Bro, I wish a motherfucker would pop out of me with that thing. She's like, Dude, it's not funny. It's very serious. I was like, Bro, it'd be the worst day of that guy's life. She's like, Would you please stop? This is I was like, I wish one of those motherfuckers would. The whole time we were there, I was like, Please, please, those guys don't come.

But yeah, you got it. Did you have a piece on you?

No, I didn't have anything. I told her I was going to grab the barrel and tie it in the knot and be like, Get the fuck out of here, you punk.

Bro, your wife is going to be holding the blood in your body, dude.

I just say that to fuck with her. In the reality, I would have fucking bailed out. I'm like, all right, you guys, you can have the car in the family. I'm out of here, dude.

Do you think a wife likes it if the husband has a gun on him? Definitely. These days, for sure.

I think they love that shit. I mean, dude, you could get the most Lib lady, but she's not love. All libs, secretly, I think I've even talked about this before. All libs secretly want just a red pill badass, in my experience. They want a dude with a gun. I went to social work school. A lot of the women there secretly had deeply conservative husbands who worked as financial guys. They were all like...

They just do it because they feel like somebody has to promote what would be idealistic. I mean, that's what a lot of... I guess, I don't know. I mean, a lot of people's view, it's just like this. Ideally, yes, it would be awesome, but some of them, it's just not practical. I have friends that will talk to me about, Will you guys have guns there in America? And stuff like that? It's just dangerous. Why can't you guys figure that out? People want to have their guns. It's like, there's no way to not have it. The bad guys have guns.

Already. It's too late.

If you do a gun drive, the good guys are just going to give their guns away. I know.

You just have to have them, dude.

What are you going to call a policeman who does... If he doesn't have a gun, he's not coming to help you.

He's done. Yeah, exactly.

What do you think? Is he going to drive by and honk at you guys while you're getting beaten or shot in the yard?

I know. You can't really do anything about it, but I do think...

Yeah, I think if... But ideally, yes, it'd be great if there weren't...

I wish there weren't.

But that has to go away quickly because there are people shooting each other all the time.

Oh, yeah.

So you have to get past that idea.

Yeah. Yeah. You're not going to be able to... The technology chain is going to have to be an interchange because the guns are there. Criminals are going to have them. And it's like, what do you want to not have one when a criminal with a gun comes to you? Or the government has to be the one who takes them. Then that's a whole other can of worms because it's like, we're not giving you my fucking guns.

Fuck no, dude.

Yeah. So it's...

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I don't want to gloat on the lips. A lot of people are gloating on them because Trump got elected.

Yeah, me neither.

I'm not gloating on the lips.

I'm not into that.

No, I'm not into that at all. I think we're in... Dude, how did the Ken Wilber thing go, by the way?

Oh, yeah. Ken Wilber. Super interesting guy.

He has the best take on this whole situation.On.

The culture war.Culture war.

I don't even know if I talked about that. It was a lot of listening and learning. Was it a lot of stuff? Yeah, but we worked We gather to make it as effective conversation as we could. Nice. But it was really cool just learning about his philosophy of how as a species, we are evolving. And over time, we're just advancing. So how those affect you personally and help you.

I fucking don't know. Well, his thing is no. It's fucking... Did he get into how there's like, whole arches? Some of it. There's like, cells and cells turn into Organisms, organisms turn into humans, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, we started going up the chain of command, right? And then also how we're advancing as-And our worldviews are doing the same thing where we had medieval rulers into democracies.

And then the Libs are the leading edge of cultural evolution, where it's like everything's being more and more inclusive, physically and in terms of worldview. It's just the Libs lost the plot, or they call it the Greenwave, lost the plot because they include everybody but white type Trump And the whole thing is collapsing in on itself. All they have to do is just love everybody. And they'd have the superior worldview.

It's a good point, actually. I think a lot of people did. I don't know, dude. I was a Democrat. I got so angry when they did that stuff to burn. My dad was an old man, so to me, it also registered somebody taking advantage of an older person. So that shit, at that point, for me, I was just like, what's going on here? And then I am super concerned I heard about the big pharma and medicine just using us all and not caring that we're human beings. Yes, there's a lot of medicine that's helping people, but also everybody shouldn't be on a medicine. There's some commercials for medicines.

They don't even say what it does. Then you look it up and it's for heart failure. You're like, Why the fuck? This is a baseball game, dude. I'm not going to beg, can I get that heart failure medication? You have to request it.

The wheelchair gum or whatever. There's all shit. Now you're like, what would he need to meet that for?

But yeah, that's the big standoff right now.

It's like-So I like RFK. He was the guy that I thought was neat.

Me too. I'm been to him. I like the fact that he's doing all that stuff against all those things.

And then I think, I don't think we have the same parties. I don't feel like it's Democrats and Republicans anymore. There's something else happening. And it's going to keep morphing.

Well, that's the Wilbur stuff is that it was like, orange is like the business science wave, and the green wave was the one. In terms of worldviews, you have what do you called red was ethnocentric. That was what he called Trump. It's things that speak to ethnocentric ideals where people get to the point where they can only recognize people that look like them. They can only care about people who look like them, which is a reality for a lot of people all across the world. It's like every country. It's nature. Every country is like, we have the best food, we have the most beautiful. Everybody does this. And then his whole theory is that you slowly grow out of it to more complex and inclusive worldviews. But it was, again, it was like the thing that crushed what George What the fuck is his name?Jordison.Jordison.Jordison.Jordison. Jordon. Jordison. Jesus Christ. His whole thing we call it postmodern neo-marxism is that green wave Ken Wolver talks about, where it's the leading edge, where all the colleges are radical inclusivity. But all they have to do is go, Trump guys, you're cool, too. It's all they have to do.

They can't do it. And now the whole thing is just imploding on itself.

That's the part that makes you start to think, do they just hate white men? For me, it's like in three generations, I always say beige power. Everybody's going to be beige, right? For sure. In three generations, everybody's going to be like Ben Simmons, Blake Griffin, Penguin people. For sure. Mixed. It's just weird. How do we want to operate that in the meantime, right? Exactly. But then I think when people get scared, especially with threats of war, fears, they want to gravitate towards whatever is their... It seems like their people. Yeah, like prison.

Prison is the same thing. You go to prison, everyone's... It's all based on race and all that stuff.

Yeah, but everybody is a Jolly Roll fan. It's true.

That's true.

Which is pretty crazy, dude.

Well, dude, it's like, where they felt like, this is like if you didn't It's hard to explain without seeing the Wilber thing, but it's like, if you take what's called a lib or a postmodern neo-marx, whatever they want to call it, people who are a radical feminist, their thing was right in being like, We should be nice to everybody. We We shouldn't be mean to gay people. We shouldn't be mean to mother race. They're totally correct. The problem was they went, and the reason everything's so bad, they're like, We hate racism in every form, every type of discrimination, and it's all because of white people. It just went right back down to where now you're just being racist in a more sophisticated fashion. Right. And that's the whole thing. That's why it's not... If it's a truly visionary and leading evolutionary tip of our spiral upward into complexity and greater wholeness, people would get on board.

It's clash the next step.

The next step is being like, okay, here's all the good stuff from your worldview, and we're going to apply that to everybody. And rather than being like, this is the reason everything's fucked up is because blah, blah, blah.

Because it's like-Yeah. And that's another thing. That's one thing that gets worried about Trump is like, is he going to be... Is the pointing fingers, is that shit in? Is that in? It is for now, but it's like, I think RFK is smart where he's like, I don't want to participate in any of this stuff.

And hopefully, he'll get up in his ear because it is It's so sweet slamming the Libs. When I see the lips get owned, I do-What is the Libs? The Liberals? Yeah. There's on the Internet, like Liberals owned, liberal slang. And it's like you watch, they do those... You know how they do those 25 students versus Ben Shapiro? Yeah. That's like slamming the lips porn, where it's him just taking on 19-year-olds. Actually, you don't know anything about that. Then everyone's just like, Tell him, Ben, fucking crushed his lips. There's a dark part of my heart that's like, yes, when I watch that-Ben sitting there, he's got that hair wallet on. Dude, they did one of them where they make people run to the chair to tap the chair so that they get the chance to debate him. Dude, it's embarrassing. People are tripping over themselves to hit the chair and be like, Actually, Ben, I think you're a fucking asshole. He's like, next. I'm like, dude, don't run to the I'm like, Gary, you're an adult. They're diving for it. Just to be like, actually, Ben, have you ever seen it? I know I have a bias towards that, and I'm trying to remove that from my YouTube.

Oh, watching that stuff?

Yeah. Not that. That stuff I'm whatever on, but it's like, I will watch news clips where like, Liberals melt down about, and I'll be like, well, check this out. And I'll be like, yeah. I've been trying to erase that because I'm like, it's not good. It's not good. It's not good. And it's just stupid.

I don't know. I don't care. I just want... I don't know. Some shit just started to get really weird. I think, well, Kamala wouldn't come on podcast. I thought that that was weird. It was like, and we asked, and they said, well, do you guys give final edit? And they asked, did Trump ask for final edit? Did he? No, they didn't ask for anything. They shouldn't, dude. They didn't ask for anything. Jd Vance showed up. Dude, there were snipers on the... I stayed up late, trying to get some questions together and think of some things. And we invited everybody. Those were them, Bernie Sanders, and Mark Cuban came on. He was very much like a left-leaning. But he gets something. I didn't realize if they won, there's a business incentive. I didn't realize that... Some of these things I'm learning as I go, It's typically with billionaires, yeah.

When they're involved in politics, it usually is.

Yeah, I didn't realize that. I'm like, oh, people aren't just out there hoor on for no reason. There's some reason.

Yeah, he's not freaking out over band books in school. He's like, I need you to build a railroad from here to there, whatever the fuck he's up to. Yeah.

But we had common ground and just different thoughts and stuff and definitely inspiring to be able to talk to people like that. So I wake up that morning and it was like an hour until the thing. I was like, I got to get in the freaking ice bath. I got to make sure I'm in a decent mood. Yeah. Try to do something to get high.

Do you get spun out when you have guests of that high profile? Yeah, man. I get fucking... I get crunch, dude. I can't handle it, man. We had RFK on. I could barely formulate a sentence. Wow.

And neither can he, though, which is great. That's a joke, Bobby. He'll laugh at it. He will. He'll laugh at it. Dude, watch. Suddenly, he fucking fixes his own voice.

Dude, that's what... It's over, dude. It's over. It's over. And it's like, yeah, imagine. He's such an electrifying speaker and thinker anyway. But yeah, That works against him.

He's been in it. Yeah. But I wake up, there's fucking... I go in the ice bath, there's secret service ever. They had put drapes, black drapes in front of the house, right? Damn. They shut down exits off the interstate. I had no idea. You shut down the whole city. Bro, I had no idea. There's snipers on the roof, on the roof, full tactical gear. I'll put pictures in the YouTube.

Holy shit.

And then, oh, my neighbor, right? I fucking look at my phone. He's like, what the fuck? What's up? Are you? And then he put blank, just underlines. And they thought it was one of those things were like a suicide in the house. They were sending people in to get... I was What? Taking my own life at home.

That's how he asked you if you killed yourself. He said, are you?

Well, he sent four messages. At that point-Oh, I got you. Because it was already 11. I slept in. I was up to probably three just getting my questions ready. So I was like, I have to make sure I sleep. And he's Dude, we were so scared, man. Because we saw them like, they thought they were rappelling into the home. I was like, What?

Thought I killed myself. What the fuck, dude? We just assumed you fucking killed yourself.

So Yeah, that's-Oh, and they had a van outside that, some weird term on it, threw people off.

Yeah, the black curtains around your house would be-Yeah, I think people thought, but that's what people thought. That makes sense. That makes more sense. It was Morg-esque.

Yeah, it was so gruesome that they were like, we got to-But they also had this Stan's bakery banner. It was definitely, they play this old cat and like, What is fucking happening here? That's crazy. It was super crazy, dude.

Stan's bakery, you have snipers. They're like, Yeah, we just got to get these cupcakes in. We'll be right back.

There's some awake treats. Just so there's a viewing of the body. Hey, first come, first serve, guys. Dude, that was crazy, though. That was one of the craziest things that had ever happened, for sure. But he comes in, and I I was like, Hey, man, thanks for coming. I was like, I just want to let you know we're not a got you type of show. For sure. Just looking forward to having a nice conversation, which is what I tell anybody. And he's like, Whatever, man. It's all good. Let's have a chat. And that was it. And it was fun. It was interesting.

Yeah, I feel bad. Everyone's still hyped up about this stuff. I honestly think if you look at it-I hate when people lose anything.

It's tough when there's a winner and a loser.

Dude, I was in the grocery store the day of... I guess he got elected that night, and then in the three in the morning or whatever, you wanted three in the morning. And then I was in the grocery store the next day, and they have magazines in the grocery store. This magazine was just Kamala or Kamala It was just a picture of her. I didn't even know what magazine it was. It was just her name and her. I got real sad for her. I was like, damn, dude, that's so unbear. If I just lost and I saw a magazine with just me on it, I'd cry. Yeah. I felt pretty bad for her. I was like, damn, that really sucks for that lady. She just Dude, people, they've spent, I think, a billion dollars on the campaign.

It just shows you that it's must... But also then if that's the... Say, okay, they spend that much on a campaign, right? Both these sides spend a ton of money. But if there's just these powers in the background doing things, it's just like, why would they... If it's not even real, say the office isn't even... It's just for show. Sure. It just seems like you wouldn't waste that much money. So there must really be-I think there is, man.

I think there really is. You get in and it's like-Power in it. It's just teams. Yeah, it's like, you're on this team, this is on that team. Could it all be organized? That would be pretty elaborate to set it all up when you could, in reality, just be like, we're putting this guy in. They could just have the coolest guy ever just come up. Every time. Be like, we love this guy, and they can, meanwhile, just be doing whatever. But yeah, dude, I guess it all is real. I think it's real, and they just... There's groups and lobbyists in certain... That's where I lose it.

It was interesting. That's for sure. And I'll say who made the whole thing happen? Kamala reportedly spent $100,000 on building a set for her appearance on Call Her Daddy. Like, dude, why? Here's the setting question. So they rebuilt their own set, I guess.

Because they wanted, I think, a host to come to her. So I think she didn't want to go anywhere, so she built the set.

But I wonder if she has-That's just weird.

It's like, just go there.

Right. I wonder if she may have a thing where she doesn't like going. Sometimes I don't sleep in people's houses or whatever. You know what I'm talking about? I wonder if she has that.

She can't shit anywhere else but her house, maybe. Could be.

Which is where people should shit. People who are in transient shitting.

Amen. Amen.

Sorry.

I agree I'm crazy, though, but I always want to be home. That's my thing. I always want to be. I'm getting a little... I was pretty guarded about that, but now I'm just letting it rip. I've been flying more, so I'm just like, whatever, man. But I do agree. Home is where the heart is, truly. I do want to shit at home every time. Yeah.

I agree with you there. You should get more... You should get money back or something if you shit at home.

You should, dude. You're going to be a tax writer, like a credit or something. Because it is... Dude, just... I also... The violence of shitting that's occurring in an airport bathroom. It's upsetting. People are shitting so hard in those. I don't know why we're back to this.

People are shitting at top speed. It's crazy. That's the craziest thing to me to ever is when somebody shits at full blast speed. Are you out of your mind? You're going to hurt yourself.

From what I'm hearing-You're going to hurt yourself, guy. From what I'm hearing in public bathrooms, most people are, are in there just having religious experiences. Just being there, it's like... Full ayahuasca dumps. They're just blowing it out. It's crazy.

Wow, just slinging disciples out of your butt.

Everyone's fucked up, dude. They need Bobby Kennedy to get all the crap out of the food. They're just shitting to death in the bathroom.

But, bro, there's also a part of me that I feel like, do you think we can get more together or do you think we should just have two Americas? Do you think?

No, because, dude, people don't even realize it, but the parties are rubbing off on each other so much. Most people want the same stuff. Most people do. But I'm saying the Republicans now have been so, let's say, Conservatives are so annoyed by Liberals that now they're going out of their way to be so not racist. Like, oh, yeah, you think we're racist? Check this out. We're going to employ 47 black dudes now. How do you like? They're doing it almost... I'm not saying they're doing it despite them, but it's like they have gotten just way more inclusive, like the Conservatives and everything. Before, it was pretty much only all white guys. Now there's a lot of different people in the Conservatives. Movement. So it's like, the Liberals bring stuff up. The Serbs shut the fuck up. And then they actually do do a lot of the stuff, but not even realizing it. So they're both bouncing each other. They're all just caught up in the primal and tribal aspect of it, but it's like, things are going pretty fucking well, dude.

Oh, first, you know, White House Chief of Staff in history.

Yeah, dude, all this stuff is happening because it's like, they're like, well- That's amazing.

Susie Wiles. And she's Pat Summerall, John Maddon's former broadcast partner's daughter. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, dude, I'm telling you, once we just stop the nonsense of bitterly arguing about everything, it's going to be pretty chill.

Yeah. Ben Carson, I think he's going to put back in, too. I like some of his ideas. B. Carson?

Yeah, that guy's cool. He's like a surgeon.

Oh, Rise and Shine. Carson, dude, that guy. He's fucking dead asleep.

Super-respective, bro. I like the guy- His blood, bro.

He's got his blood pressure in his fucking, bro. Who's the guy- It's just like a synth drum. There's not much popping, dude.

The one dude, like Byron something. He's a black conservative guy from Florida.

Byron Davis?

I think Byron. Is it Byron Davis? He's nice. I saw he was on the Breakfast Club. No, not Byron Davis. He plays basketball. Byron, he's like a governor from... There he is. That's my bro right there, Byron Donalds. That's a good bro right there.

It's definitely interesting to see that everything's getting diverse. What was that tweet that Adam McKay had? I thought that that was something. When I read that, it resonated with me. I think...

I don't know. But like I said, it's like-I have it one second. Yeah, I do. Like I said, I think people are getting real doom and gloom, but it's like... I'm of the minority opinion. I think things are going to get Pretty sweet, actually.

Who would have guessed lying about Biden's cognitive health for two years? That shit made me so mad, dude. Just taking advantage of an old man. It's just not cool. You know what I'm saying? His family shouldn't have allowed it. I know, dude. It's just not cool because then you're lying to him also, right? So you're placating him. You're using it just... It seems like cruelty to a human, right? Refusing to do an open conversation for a new nominee, never mentioning public health care, embracing fracking, and a year long slaughter of children and in Gaza. That to me was one thing that definitely was like...

Yeah, they blew it so hard.

I mean, again, if you were- Some of the stuff, I don't know. But the children in Gaza thing, and I think just taking advantage of Biden, it just felt like, is this party really doing this? What's happening here?

Well, all they had to do was if she could have came out and be like, Bro, we all saw it. Dude's old as hell. Let's not- Wait, are we pretending like he wasn't. Let's not fuck it. Instead, she was like, He's fine. Why did they take him out? I was You can't do that. All they had to do, obviously, the dude was fucking going nuts and getting old. Come on, let's move on. It was just... It's a bummer. They were just lying. When someone's lying and you're like, Dude, you're bullshitting me. It was just that and everyone could see it. And it was just like... And now, too, not to fluff the podcasting too much. But it's like now they can't go on the soundbody little things. They have to go sit down and answer actual questions. And people now... I didn't know. I couldn't tell what interviews were edited when I was younger. Now people are more savvy about media, so they're able to be like, oh, that was a weird jump. They cut something out. They go, Here's the whole thing. So now you have to be able to sit down and actually communicate rather than hitting talking points and engineering people's ideas on things.

Do you think that Rogan's endorsement helped Trump win, or do you think it had any effect?

It didn't hurt, but I think it didn't hurt. But just what he does, I think, helped him win for sure. Just setting a standard where politicians now have to go sit down for It was at least a two-hour conversation.

Yeah, because really what he did over the past years is just investigate. He asked so many questions about everything to all types of people. So you learned so much.

And he's not a got you guy either. So he's good at just being like, help me understand this. And that's when people really get flushed out. Where it's like, if they're not making sense, and he's pretty adamant about it. I don't get that. That doesn't make sense. I'm a week interview. I'm like, okay, it won't make sense. That's cool.

I get burnt out. I get exhausted. Dude, I I was in there yesterday, and I was just like, I feel like I've been losing my mind this week. Really? Yeah. I don't know what was going on. I just was getting a lot of paranoia.

It's the worst, yeah.

I don't know if I met it. I don't know if I missed a day. I don't know what happened, but I was like, fucking thought I was going crazy yesterday. It's crazy. We have a day when you start asking people like, am I okay? That's a weird thing.

Yeah. It's so hard to explain, but I'll just be walking sometimes, and I'll just get a feeling where I'm like, bro, I'm fucking losing it right now. And it's like, that is the worst.

You're like, no. Yeah, it just kept spent the whole day. It was like the whole day was like that, man. And then I had to go in there and I felt very nervous. So then you felt like you're under a microscope.

What do you do to keep yourself on the square? Is there any program?

Yeah, usually go to AA meetings. That helps. Do yoga. I got hurt a month ago. Some guy squeezed me after a football game. I was in When Vanderbilt beat Alabama, I was there. And this guy just squeezed me so much. What? And then all the players, some guy on the sidelines. No. Yeah, some devout just brother had really squeezed me. Fuck. I mean, like he was going to brush his teeth with me right after.

That sucks.

He got it. Yeah, I was just like, Where did it get you?

Over here is rib. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. But then all the players had just won, and they were, and then everybody squeezed me, dude.

Yeah, they're fucked. So you couldn't do the yoga?

For weeks. And so then my mental starts going down. That's us right there. Yeah, that's pretty serious. That's Sheryl Jr. Right there, I believe.

That's amazing, dude.

We got that Coach, Clark Lee. Oh, that's Skinner Jr. Right there.

Damn, that thing's pretty heavy, too, man. Those coolers aren't.

Yeah, a decent amount of water in it.Nice..

We got I'm going to say you.

We got him. He's cool.

That's awesome. That's fucking awesome. You just got squeezed by the strongest dude in the country.

Yes. Yeah, that's what happened. But anyway, I'm not whining about it, but it's just like, you can't do anything, bro. You go to open your refrigerator and that's suction on the refrigerator.

Oh, that hurts. When your ribs are fucked up, it hurts. To breathe every breath, you're like, fuck.

Yeah, and then you're pushing on the side of your body while you're doing everything. You're walking around like this all day. You're fucking like one of those guys putting away a pocket watch or Something like in the 20s or whatever, like that little handicap peanut that they fucking sent out there.

There's nothing you can do when your ribs hurt. There's no sling. You have to... No. Yoga is just so much breathing. Every breath, you'd be like... Then you do this thing. That would hurt.

Yeah, and I was just losing my mind, dude. Then you're going there and you're like, Am I saying crazy shit? Start to get real paranoid. I will say this, though. I think the person that won that election, I think the person that changed it was Dana White. Really? Undeniably.

Why do you think that?

Because he got Trump in the podcast. He made it happen. He did it. He It's just he did that. He made that happen.

Yeah, that makes sense. He was the one being like, you got to do these.

He's the one who talked to Joe about it for years. It's been in discussion. I don't think Joe Rogan was going to do that. And then he did. You You know?

That did push it. I think that helped, actually.

Yeah, Dana made all that happen.

Dude, it got like... That was the thing, too. It was like, if you want to look at YouTube views, I don't know if that works with polling, but it's like the Rogan Trump episode What was it at? Like, three million? It was at like millions quickly. The Call Me Daddy, that podcast with Kamala was like...

I don't know if it hit a million.

It did.

I think it might have.47 million.

47 million. If you look up the Call Her Daddy or call him Daddy or whatever. Call me Daddy. Excuse me. I'll call her Daddy. There you go.

It got812,000.812,000. But that's just a clip. Now, here's the problem with Call Her Daddy.

Not bragging. My YouTube special did better. I'm kidding. But that's what I'm saying. That is a gage of public interest. And it's like public interest, in my opinion, probably translates to voting, I think. I don't know.

Or at least people come in to experience the person. True.

Yeah, definitely.

It's definitely interesting. You can't watch the full episodes because they're on Serious. Is that right?

Serious?

Yeah, they only put a clip. Yeah. So you can't see the full episodes of these podcasts either. So you don't know what really I wish her the best.

I'm not like, yeah, that's the thing. I'm not like, I fucking hate that lady. I felt sad. I didn't. I personally didn't really want her to win because I was just like, I think Trump will probably maybe stop the wars faster. It's my hope.

Well, I don't know. I don't know what's happening. I feel like there's a changing of these parties because you have former Democrats who are now Republicans, but they also don't even get along with half of the people in office. People are sick of politicians overall. Overall. Big time. Apac and lobbyists have infiltrated what it seems like politics overall. It's like-For sure. People, you can't hide the information from people anymore. Yeah.

Well, dude, the weird thing was The Democrats started being like... I mean, George Bush was great, and Cheney and all that stuff. And it's like, why are they pumped on them? That to me was just weird, where it's like, there are-It's all dark. And then I think at the last minute, they started being like, yeah, we actually want strong borders and all that stuff, too. Just because they were like, this is working. I think it's all part of a bigger process that is for the best, where it's like, you were saying, Republican Party is totally different, way different. Remember 1995? It was like send people to jail for fucking 30 years for crack and all this stuff. And now it's like, we should get some of these guys out of prison, which everyone's doing now. But that's the cause of a liberal worldview.

They got to get a couple more brothers in the party, too, I think.

I think it's common, dude. I think it's common. But here's the thing, too. It's like, so you have the liberal people being like, yeah, we shouldn't send people to jail for having crack on them for 40 fucking years. And then you're like, yeah, that's a good idea. But then with the immigration thing, it's like, I personally have no problem with immigrants, but it's like, you can When we have so many. That's a reality. Right. It's just a business. If you're having a party, you can't invite the whole city to your party. It won't work. So the same thing happens with the border. It's a shame because people want to escape crushing poverty. But the Republicans are right in that you can't And it's like, if you're just thinking on a human level, you're like, I don't want to kick some guy out or have some guy come against the wall and be like, get the fuck back to your country. But you do have to do that.

But you also, I think there's ways you can do it in an organized pattern. Yeah, true. So you're properly vetting people. And then they used to have a system where people could... You could almost adopt a homeless person or whatever who came across the border, and you were their sponsor.

That's cool. I'm super cool.

So then you as a member of your country, or That you were born into, sure, it's a blessing, right? Easy for us to say that. But then you get to be part of the of immigrate. It's like there's an actual connection there. I don't know. That's a good...

I like that idea, though.

Yeah, it's easy to just say stuff. Let's change the topic. What else can we talk about?

But I was saying, too, then you can set them up in contests against each other.

Oh, yeah.

Well, people have had that.

I've heard that material before I think of doing like a American Ninja Warrior to come over the border.

That would be nice, too. I was saying if you had, if I adopted a guy, you adopted a guy, we could make them compete.

Yeah, like battle bots.

For the glory of our houses. Yeah.

That would be so sick.

That would be awesome. In a fun way. Totally.

You raise money for helping people that are coming over.

Exactly. Fuck. Winner's family comes over. Loser's family pays.

That'd be a great... Dude, I had this idea for a game show, right? So check this out. You get two lifeguard chairs, right? You put cellophane, like some light blue plastic around them. You can still see through it. At the bottom is a scale, right? And you get two guys who have eaten for a week, haven't gone to the bathroom. Whoever can do the most poop in a given amount of time wins a car. Or maybe not a car, maybe a bot That's an awesome game.

So you're inside the lifeguard chair. You're wrapped in blue. What's the blue wrapping? Just to contain it.

Just because you don't want to see it. You don't want to see it. That'll birth people out. But if you see the scale going up or something, it'll at least excite people.

You don't think the viewers at home are going to see the pile?

I think you want to be able to see it, but you want to see it vague. You want it to be opaque.

Yeah, I see. Just like a general shape. Yeah. Have a frost glass over something.

Yes, that's what I mean, frost glass.

That would be nice. Yeah, that's a great show.

Thanks, man.

That is a fantastic show. On to the scale will be nice. I recently just did a thing where you have to poop at home and then scoop it and mail it to get results to see what they think of your body. What are you talking about? Dude, I swear to God, you can do that. You can mail it to. I don't know, like a scientist.

You're a fucking science teacher. You send that shit, a scientist.

You just send it to a scientist and they're like, Oh, my God, bro. This is incredible.

You've been fucking compromised, homie. You're mailing poop of your own to someone?

I did, yeah.How much?I want to see it with my micro... Dude, that was the thing. I thought you did a whole turd. They give you a thing to put on your toilet paper. Or they put a thing to get on your toilet. It's like a paper thing that sticks. And it has a little... You know the dick part of your boxers? Yeah. It has that, but for a turd. So there's this thing. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's like that. And then it catches it. And then you have to scoop. I thought you just picked the turd up and put it in a jar. But no, you scoop the smallest amount, and then you put it in, shake it up in a solution.

And then They just tell you what's up with your microbiome.

Tell you if they think you're chill or not. That was what it was.

It was that one. What did he tell you where your stepdad lives? We'll tell you.

Yeah, I don't know, man. I also think a lot of this stuff, too, after doing it, I think it's just a way for companies to sell you vitamins because they could be, based on this, we recommend X, Y, and Z.

And once you've made it, you almost want to buy it so they don't tell anybody about your poop. I feel like you'd be like, Don't tell anybody about poop. I'll buy the vitamins.

True. They're like, Yeah, let's keep this between us. Yeah. Dude, if they could be like, Yeah, that guy, we had his poop. We smelt. Me and Brittany sent them in at the same time, and my test was run first. I kept telling her that they opened her vial and it shut down the lab. I was like, Yeah, the whole place had to evacuate. They sent me an email. So they opened yours.

That's love, dude.

That's a fun one. That's a good thing about having a wife, too. You can just bother them.

And do cool stuff like that.

Take shit in the tubes and mail it and just both wait for your shit test. That was fun.

Yeah. That's like jumping over the broom or whatever in some cultures.

Yeah, exactly.

Wow, dude. Were we just talking about medicine?

Yeah, I think so. We got off the politics stuff. So we're off on that.

Probably should have. You feel like people are over it. But also, it's like, what was I going to ask you? Do you think... Look at this. Is this a new slave or whatever?

This is like the Tesla thing. Bro. Wow. Yeah, dude. I don't know. Elon rolled out some bots, too.

What the heck? That's a slave. Where is that? This is in Virginia, is it?

That's like...

I am not getting that, dude.

It looks like Portuguese. Yeah, that's like a different country. Yeah, Tesla or Musk. Oh, boy. I would like a little robo lawn mower, though, I'll be honest. Damn, look at that guy. Ripped, dude.

Dude, that'd be so crazy. That'd be so crazy.

They should keep the bots like R2D, too. They shouldn't give them legs and arms and shit.

Yeah, you're right, actually.

You don't need these guys looking like people because then somebody's going to start fucking them. I mean, it's already happened, I'm sure. I like the way I think it's caught in there.

That thing's savage. But then your kid, you're like, Mow the yard. And your kid's like, I don't want to. My thumb turn.

That's true, actually. That's bullshit.

Yeah, dude. I'm trying to think of what chores we had.

Oh, dude, it was ridiculous, man.

Dude, do you think it's weird? This is something that doesn't get talked about a lot is where do stepdads go when the divorce happens? Because they don't get to see the kids anymore.

I didn't think about that. You're saying when you're divorced, then you get divorced, you basically break up with the stepdad. I think they go back to the apartment, dude. They straight to an apartment complex.

That has a pool at it.

Yeah. I think the representative from an apartment complex comes and picks them up, and a black limousine takes them back, and they just wait and queue to be stepdads.

It's crazy. You never think about that because a stepdad gets involved in a kid's life for a couple of years, for better or for worse. But then they have to just...

I think some might stay in... I don't know.

Is that weird, though?

Yeah, it depends. I feel like if you knew the kid from when it was a baby, you should, or Just keep the phone line open, bro. You can call me whenever you want, but I'm going to go look for some...

But the first couple of years, you check in and then you forget one year. It's got to feel weird. Yeah, eventually.

Or if there's a new stepdad, you can't be like, Hey. You got to pass the baton and be like, It's a good boy.

But do those stepdads meet somewhere and have a-Yeah, they meet at Saboro.

They meet at Saboro, and they ceremoniously split a pizza. The guy gives the new stepdad the fifth slice, and he only has three.

Hey, what's up? I'm Tom, 2015 to 2017.

Yes, stepdadding is like, I...

It's unheralded.

Exactly. I wish I was able to experience it a little bit, honestly. Yeah. But for real, I was I always assumed that was just how it would go for me. I was like, yeah, I'll just kick around, and eventually I'll just date a trick with kids and be a stepdad. But it didn't work out that way. I honestly wouldn't have minded. It'd be pretty sick.

Yeah. Sometimes I have a dream, maybe that I meet a lady and she already has a kid maybe.

Yeah, man. Just get in there at 10. You know what? Fucking awesome.

Ten is a little old.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I guess you're right. Six. Get out. I'm telling you, man, it's the first fucking three years. There's no sleep. You get all your good sleep. You just hop in at 6:00. They just started remembering stuff. It's perfect. It's just fun. From then on, it's just fun.

My buddy just had his third kid, and he's a black man, and he has. It's funny. The other guys were like, Dude, you're not even a black dad until you have three kids. That's crazy, bro.

That's hilarious.

Two kids for a black guy, that's nothing, bro.

That's so funny. That's child's play. So now he's official.

Yeah, now he's really like, dang, all right, so you're for real about it.

He's really banging.

It's like the first two were just mixtapes, and this is a real album.

He's finally signed. Yeah.

What else? Anything else in the news going on or anything else?

Dude, I haven't been fucking following news. I don't know what's going on. What else is going on with me? Do you know what I've been doing recently? I've been researching. I've been reading autobiographies. That's my big kick right now. Wow. I've just been trying to just study people's lives and see at the end of their life, what did they think was good? What did they think was bad? I only got through once. Well, I got through a couple, actually. But, dude, it's been cracking me up. Bertrand Russell was this famous mathematician.

Bertrand Russell?

Bertrand Russell, yeah. He wrote him in This guy, Whitehead, wrote this big book called Principia Mathematica, where they spent, I think, 200 pages proving one plus one equals two. This was the type of stuff he was on.

Wow. Bizarre. Why? Just because they were finding ways that you could not prove it.

People are coming through and underlying. So apparently, math is like, there's a set of axioms that you just have to assume it's true. They want math. There's a bunch of people back in the day who wanted math to be able to totally explain everything in the universe. It's just the way it is. But there is an aspect of faith in math where you have to believe the axioms. Right. So they were trying to just be like, check this out. And they just got real into one plus one in that book. But he's apparently a genius. And I read his and I read the guy. You know Angela's Ashes?

Yeah.

I read it. He has one called Tiz. That's his second Frank McCourt. So Angela's Ashes was his time in Ireland until he was 19. And then at 19, he moved to New York City in the '50s. And he wrote another book called Tiz that's from the 1950s to whenever, the fucking '80s or whatever. But I was reading those both simultaneously. And it's so funny how every male memoir is just a guy talking about how horny they were as a kid. It's crazy. Horny and want to kill themselves. Bertrand Russell and Frank McQuadre are like, I just want to feel so fucking horny. I just want to fucking kill myself. I didn't know every guy was just suicidal back in the day. That's what I'm learning in my studies. A lot of guys just want to fucking kill themselves.

Well, it used to be very poetic if you killed yourself. Yeah. Remember? It was very... There was this Shakespearean, I'm taking my life. Now you're just a 13 reasons why fan or whatever. But it used to be... There was something very romantic about it.

Yeah, you could stab yourself with a sword.

Now, it's just pussy shit. Now, it's overdose or whatever.

Yeah, it's like, come on.

Yeah, come on.

Yeah, it is. Boo. Go back to the drawing board.

That's, dude. This guy, first person to use Switzerland suicide pod found with Where are these at? They're not at the airport, are they?

The airport would actually be, your flight got canceled. Just be like, never mind. Just walk right into the suicide pod. Just end it.

Oh, that's a good bro. I do. Was found with strangulation marks on her neck. Following the death of the 64-year-old American woman, multiple people were arrested, Oh, this is terrible. Including Dr. Florian Willet, the President. They said a woman used it, but they also found strangulation marks on her neck.

Yeah, what's that about?

It sounds like maybe they only put her in for a couple of minutes.

Yeah, but why would she have marks on her neck? If you get... Maybe she might have attempted.

Oh, she was trying to help it or something.

Or maybe she tried to do the old sealing and the something gave away, and she's like, I'm going to hit the pod. There was some malfunction, and the guy was heard saying six minutes after the process started that she's still alive. So I think he had to-Oh, he choked her out?

Because I guess if you go that far, if she lives, then the product is no better. She would have yelled the pod.

Two stars, still alive.

Boo.eating breakfast right now.Dus.

Not work. With my lame-ass kids and husband right now. Did not taste the sweet release of death.

Awkward ride home.

Husband's like, What are you doing back? I thought you were killing yourself today in the pod.

Shit. You already got a new girl over? He's already on Rye listening to Zack Brian.

Damn, dude. That shit freaks me out, man, when they do those.

When you do it, I've been at an airport, dude, and if you miss your behavior, I'm like, I'll fucking go to heaven. I'm not waiting. Fuck Akron. Send me to heaven. Put me in that bitch. I've been that I'm furious at a point where it's like, I'll just...

Let's just shut it now. Yeah, there's no more room for your baggage. You're like, You know what? I'm going to take the pod. I don't know. I'm not going to go walk five seats back and try to go in an inc oncoming traffic, get my bag back. I'm going to take it to the pod. If it doesn't work, you have permission to choke me out. That's crazy. That guy had to just be like,.

Yeah, he's like, Oh, shit. A couple of kinks, ma'am.

Don't mind me. That'd be nice if the pod just walls came in and just crushed you. It put you into a dizzying state, and then it just vacuum sealed you. Yeah, exactly. Just sucked you.

I'd have a little soda with me.

It just dried you out. But yeah, I don't like that, man. I don't like when people... Again, it's like if you have terrible painful cancer, there's nothing they can do, I get it. But that guy looked all right. Is he just modeling the tube or is he actually drawing?

Yeah, he's just the model. I guess they obviously do not have a... There's no budget for the model. I'll say that. But I think it was a woman that used it. She had cancer and she wanted to go use it. And they just hooked her up.

Yeah. Yeah, but here's the thing. That's the one product, Coca-Cola and all those. They have beautiful people always drinking Coke. They're going to have beautiful celebs laying in there. That's true, right? They're going to try to... They want to show you someone to look like that guy. I was like, Yeah, I could see that. Yeah. This guy's got no muscle mass. Fucking pants are sagging. I could see him just ending in 76.

Hey, let me get in there. They're just smoking. That would be the Some dude is fucking in there.

I'm going to get one for my house. If my kids piss me off, I'm like, I'm going to go to the pod. Daddy's going to the suicide pod. If you guys don't clean your fucking room, I'm going to fucking turn myself off.

Bro, that'd be crazy, man.

Yeah, put them in there. You guys want to fuck around.

You guys want to party? Scare them. I would have said that thing for 30 seconds just to freak them out.

Just microwave them for a second.

Some lady oven themselves at a Walmart. You see that? No. Some lady wandered into an oven. They We're doing... Was it hide and go seek or what happened?

We're pulling it up, but there was a woman got stuck in one of the industrial baking ovens at a Walmart, I believe.

What? I believe she passed away, right?

Yes. From the gas or she burned herself up?

From the burning. Or cooking. Let's still say burning. We don't know what happened.

Yeah, cooking.

She was 19?

Oh. Yo.

Please say the investigation is complex. That's unreal.

Oh, the walk-in. They bake multiple cakes at a time?

In Canada, yeah. I guess they have a walk-in oven.

That's not a good idea.

It'd be hard to stay out of it. I bet it smelled good in there.

Bro, true.

I mean, this is harrowing.

Yeah, of course. But I'm saying that it is a fact that that oven smelled delicious. Oh, man.

The woman who was an employee of the store was located in a large walk-in oven. Important to note that the investigation has not yet reached a point where the cause and manner of death had been confirmed.

The investigation is complex. Yeah, dude, I did not... I'm thinking there was just a big oven display. I was like, how the fuck did a lady walk into that? Yeah. Damn, why the fuck they have walking ovens? That's a terrible idea. It is. It's just feed them in there like pizzas. Just have a big thing. You pull a wooden paddle and pull them out. People don't need those cakes, dude. That shouldn't have cost a human life. Those cakes are terrible.

Yeah, you shouldn't... We don't need to walk into an oven. No, dude.

That's a terrible design.

That's a horrible idea.

Yeah, that's a... Well, look, that's... It's an old idea. It's not the first. It's an old idea, and people should have not I love it.

Yeah, but it's almost like, oh, now you need an oven. You open the door and it has one of those signs that's on the ladder that's like, Do not step here. No shit, dude. That's terrible. Fucking oven.

Yeah, man. I mean, Oh, dude. That is terrible.

Someone throws you in there. That's what they're saying.

That's what I'm saying, dude. That is not nice. Because, yeah, how would you shut yourself in there? I don't know. That's a mystery. It's complex. If I were waiting there, I'd say, This is very complex. That's a mystery. What's this all about? What's this all about?

This guy's turn, huh?

This is Guys.

That's awesome. This is why you need other countries, dude. Yeah. People are like, I don't like diversity. You're out of your mind.

That's true. That guy is as diverse as it gets.

You show me a honky that can do this.

I mean, dude, it is... What a blessing. I'm just assuming this guy's like, I don't know what country that's in, but any other time in history, just being like a midget, born in the third world. Again, he could be in Palm Beach. I don't know where that guy's from, but just pretending he's from another country. It would just be a pretty tough road. But now he can just make great viral content. I know.

It just makes life good, man.

Yeah, 3'6. That's hilarious.

Are you in Tires, the new season?

Yeah, I have a small role.

Did you want to have a larger role? Was that ever a conversation?

No, I'm good, man. I'm happy with everything. The fact that I was in it again, I was like, Fuck you. Dude, acting is so hard, man. It's draining, dude. Just doing that every day. I work myself up into a tizzie doing just one scene from the different angles.

It's just like-You're waiting. It takes a lot of patience.

You sit there all day. I'm always like, I'm chilling, man. I'm happy. The way anything's going, the fact that I'm not stuck at a job that makes me miserable, I'm like, Anything that I can do, let me know. You know what I mean? I don't get caught up in the, It should be better. Yeah, there was my... Yeah. Played the cop last time.

Yeah. My mom loved the show. It's just so wild. She's like, Have you seen this? Tires?

Yeah, it It's funny.

She's like, I like it.

I put it on and my daughter was like, Uncle Shane. She freaked out. Uncle Shane's on TV. I was trying to find my part. I was like, Daddy was on TV watching. I was like, I can't fucking find Like, get in the oven.

Get in the fucking oven. White dad. Do your kids call you White dad? That's crazy, huh?

My daughter says I'm colored sand. She's like, Dad looks like sand. I forgot what she called her mom. That's all right. It's pretty cool. Yeah, she's like, Dad's sand. They didn't have that, but they're going to get it. Now, all the schools, it'll all get like... We'll start ramping that up, but we'll see. I'll tell. I'm just going to hold it down. My daughter be like, Dude, for real, I'm black. Don't worry. Don't listen to the fuck that school says. You Yeah, I'm black as hell.

This is a fucking mirage, Shorty.

It's just to get the loan on the house.

Yeah, we'll see.

But yeah, man. Yeah, dude, I'm just pumped, man. I'm like, everything's going well. I'm like, again, I'm just biding my time to be a Plane closed school security.

It'd be fun, huh?

I do fantasize about a nice retirement job. I want to teach art.

I would like to teach arts and crafts. Nothing fancy. Paint, wire things, those fuzzy long things. What are those called?

Pipe cleaners. Yeah. They'd be nice. Yeah. You can do whatever with those things.

They put out a bag. We didn't know what we were fucking making. Some kid made a noose or whatever. You're like, Yeah, he's doing good.

But yeah, for me, I'm just been chilling, man, just trying to keep myself float, stay positive. That's the embarrassing thing, too. When things are going well, it's like I'll still get bombed out and depressed. I'm always like, dude, you're such a fucking pussy. Shut up. I've been trying to just be even killed and just work on little projects, and that's it.

Yeah, I think it's something that's normal, too. It is tough, though, because certainly people have things a lot tougher. And it is tough, too. Sometimes when your life is going good, it's not to let your ego start to take over. That's a thing that gets really scary.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Because your ego is just this thing that grows without you really knowing what's going on. You can be watering it without even realizing it.

Oh, dude. I was lucky to have an ego boom early. And it was like, looking back on it, it was really not It wasn't anything great, but at the time, when I was 24, 25, I was just making so much money selling weed that I was like... Dude, it went right to my head. Wow. As soon as I made a couple of thousand dollars a week, I was just like, Oh, my God, I'm the fucking best.

You buy rings and shit?

I was real low key. I mean, right now, it's the most rings I've ever worn right now. But, dude, you just get... It happened to me and you just start getting greedier, and I was just like, I want more. Luckily, I got wiped out financially. Really, twice. And then that has an evening. You go up and back down. You go, okay. And it brings you back to Earth where you're like, yeah, don't let anything like that get to your head or make you act different. And again, it's embarrassing. It's like, dude, I was making two grand so on weed. But it was enough for me at such a young age to be like, I'm the man. Everyone's a fucking idiot who can't do it. And it was just like, and then I came crashing and burning, and I was like, all right, back to painting houses now with my friend. It really had like that for me. It was a real experience. And I was able to be like, okay, when things were going well, A, don't be a dick, and B, they might not always forever. Huge chance it won't. So be grateful and just be nice and just try to help out.

Don't get too self-involved.

How did you get wiped out?

Just losing money in the mail. I got robbed at gunpoint. I had a couple of stretches where dudes I know would get fucked up on drugs and just like, dip out. I got robbed at gunpoint. I lost that. And then I mailed, I think, $30,000 in the mail, and that got snagged by the postal police. No. Yeah, dude, that was scary.

I like with 30K in the mail.

Yeah, I vacuum-stealed it, all that stuff.

Can you just not legally move that much money?

You're not allowed to mail money like that, no. And then what they do is they're like, Come on in. They're like, We'll talk to you. My name wasn't on it. It was like, I tacked it on with my friend. The trick is you can be like, I was buying a car, blah, blah, blah.

Did you go in there? Did you wear a mustache or anything? Fuck, no, dude.

I just called to wash. I'm not going to the fucking Postman, Post General Master, whatever it is.

Is there a chance to get it back?

If you can prove it's legit, they're going to be like, All right, where's your tax return? I was like,. So it was like, you can't. Unless you had a legitimate... If I legitimately was doing it, I could be like, Hey, here's what I'm doing. I need that back. But it's the last place you want to go in and be like, No, it was actually up to no good.

I bet it's sitting. I bet you go in there and talk to them. Yeah, right.

It's gone. Oh, my God. They probably took it.

Are the postal workers?

I would imagine the postal. Or maybe they were like, Here you go. But it's like, yeah, that was the It was a big thing back then. It was just mailing weed. You would just get it to your house and immediately write return to sender. Don't open it. Because what they do is either a guy, like an officer, pretends to work for the USPS, and they come and deliver it. And what they were doing first, which fucked them up. They'd be like, open the box right now and you open it and be like, there'd be weed in there. And you could just go, I don't know. Anyone can mail me anything. So they legally couldn't do anything. So what they started doing is they let you get the package. They wait 10 minutes, and then they come in because people usually get it and cut it right open. So you have What you do is you write return to sender, leave it in the corner of the room, wait about an hour, and then you put it in your car and you drive towards the post office. If they pull you over, you're like, I don't even know what this is.

I'm taking the post office. If you just do a couple of laps, someone's following you, go somewhere else and you cut it open. But it's like that was the move because California would mail it over for just pennies compared to what it was on the East Coast. I thought I was the man.

But then-Did you start buying anything? You buy a nice suit or something?

I was like a Chinese triad. I would just... No, I didn't spend anything.

I would like-Would you start sleeping on your back or something, at least?

You know what I would do? I would go on trips. I would do vacations. So I would go away and ball out like that. But no, I didn't buy it. I didn't buy cars. I didn't do any of that stuff. I kept it pretty low-key.

Where did you at a Cancun or something?

Yeah, I went to Hawaii. I did a trip to Hawaii to the Four Seasons. It was pretty tight.

Damn, so you were balling.

I was balling out. Yeah, I was balling. But then again, I lost it all. And then you go from enjoying the perks of that to I'd be happy if someone gave me 50 bucks right now. So it's like... Yeah. And at a young age, it's the best thing that could have happened because at a young age, I got to get that ego swell and just completely come. There's something liberating when it happens. I remember being broadly relieved at the time, being like, Oh, this is cool. I don't have to worry about all this shit anymore.

Oh, that's just a nightmare, dude. We sold weed for almost four hours one time. Fucking.

It's scary.

It was the scariest shit ever. Every day. I fucking almost killed the guy. I started accusing him of fucking shit. We literally had $200 a month worth of fucking. We were It was just alpha dog immediately.

It turned, bro.

Things went so... It was crazy.

Well, dude, you talk about being paranoid. You're in a paranoid position.

Everybody's a fucking narc or whatever.

Everyone's following you. Everyone's a narc. Everyone's watching you. At one point, I would wake my friend up and be like, Are you fucking watching me?

You motherfucker.

I had a storage unit at one point, and between me and someone else, we had 60 pounds of weed in there. I'd have to go in there with a duffle bag in the middle of the day and look around, load it, and walk back up. The one time I went there at 3:00 in the morning, or excuse me, it was one in the morning, but I go in there, it's nighttime, and there's a fire alarm going off in the school. I remember hearing it being like, well, there's a school near, which probably wasn't the best place to have fucking 60 pounds of weed. I go in, I'm like, oh, that's where the fire alarm is going off. I load up a duffle bag of like 30 pounds of weed. I come out of the place and surrounded in police. Police officers are everywhere because they came because of that fire alarm going off in the school. I'm holding a duffle bag, and they're just standing there. It's 1:00 AM or whatever. I just come down the steps. They look at me and I look at them, and I was like, Boys, I just walked in my car, and I just was like, Please, please, please, please, please, You must be like, they're fucking-They're following me, burning in my head.

You're pulling off. You're just waiting for one of their cars to pull off. It was like, dude, it was a massive giant hockey bag. I was like, this looks so sketchy. I'm just coming out and I froze.

It says weed on the side of it.

Came out like, just staring at them and I was like, Hey, what the fuck is wrong with that guy? Wow. Yeah, true. I will say that is one of the perks of being a white guy. Yeah. Easily. Just seeing the cops at 1:00 AM with a giant duffle bag and being like, Hey. Yeah. What's up, brothers? What's up, guys?

Hi-ho, neighbor. Yeah.

But you're just in a paranoid delusion the whole entire time. It's terrible for your... Dude, my hair's fucking gray, dude. You're just worried all the time, constantly for years, dude.

You're hiding shit in your ceiling. Yeah, everything just gets scary. You're hiding stuff. Yeah, we had a couple of-Fighting.

Dude, it's funny because it started to cut you off. No, go on. You give someone an ounce of weed and you watch them. They'd be like, Yeah, just sell this. People would start it and people would implode. It's just so much pressure. Or they would just smoke it all. They'd be like, whatever.

Yeah, but then they're high. Now you're having to talk to somebody that's fucking high to get you their shit back. Then everybody starts knowing you're the wee guy. So People knowing you're the wee guy, there's something cool about it. But then there's also this fear because you're like, I'm going to get busted.

Paranoid. Yeah, paranoid all the time. Then you hear about other people getting busted. Then it gets closer to you and you're like, Don't snitch or whatever. Yeah, I wasn't going to do anything. You're burying.

We would bury weed in We had seven dime bags we were trying to sell.

You got them in your mouth. You're in little wheelchairs.

We were burying them in the yard. It was un fucking believable, dude. I know.

That's why you I didn't get caught, though, dude. You guys were careful.

It was breaking horrible, dude. That's who we were, dude. It was just the dumbest fucking thing ever. I'm in the front yard just calling my buddy a dick, I'm fucking burying a dime sacs with a trowel. It's I know someone who...

What the fuck you're doing? I know someone who thought he was selling steroids, and he got beat, and they were just antidepressants. So he was selling them to a bunch of people. They're all like, Dude, they're working. I'm getting yo. And they were just on SSR.

Oh, dude. I feel great.

Hey, man, they did feel good.

Dude, I bought some steroids once. My girlfriend, while I was away from her house, I was doing something, found them, broke and threw them all away.

She took your rois? And when I got home-Did you already cycle on them? So did you be like, What the fuck?

No, I think I had been on steroids at the time, and I was not happy when I got there. Okay? Yeah, dude. It was like, Do not look. If you find your boyfriend's steroids, okay? Don't touch them. Just, yeah, bring it up to him. Do not I'll get rid of them, though, because it can create a man to become violent. I didn't, but you could see how I could... It could be a wild day for someone.

Dude, I'll say, and this is like, I've interacted with a couple of people who did the combination of coke and steroids, and that's the most lethal. That's a dangerous combination. Then if you're already a little bit bipolar, and boom, dude, those steroids, the coke, and your bipolar mania hit at the same time, it's like, that was the craziest. I was out to breakfast one time with a guy like that, and he ordered. It was actually Alpha, but we were ordering breakfast. He's like, Oh, and I'll take a muffin. And can I have that immediately? I was like, Damn, bro. You just hit her with the immediately. He's like, I want that immediately. Not even like, I can have that before. He's like, I want that immediately.

And immediately. It was boss energy.

It was boss energy. I remember being struck by that being like, Alpha Muffin, can I have it immediately? Can I have it immediately? A little urgency behind that.

Yeah.

But yeah, that's a wild combo.

Yeah.

How long are you on the broids for?

I was on and off for a few years. I remember the first time I ever did them.

Pills or did you inject?

Shooting.dang.that's awesome. Shooting three pointers. One time, my buddy, Sean, he sold me some pills. He actually passed away. He died. He drowned. I think he-Shit. He tried to hide from the police underwater.

No, dude.

Fucking drowned.

That's terrible.

Yeah, you just can't It's like, I don't know it. You don't think about it when he was so high, you just thought, I can hide underwater.

Bro, I almost passed out in a pool this summer. I tried to do a back and forth in front of all my friends, and I had my daughter's goggles on, and they were rushing in the sides of my head so hard, I, for real, went out, came up. My legs were all, and I was spitting water out. Because I remember being like, do you ever try to hold your breath super long in a pool when you start vibrating and shit? I was feeling that. I'm like, bro, I'm so close to getting the back and forth. I got that. And all of a sudden, I black out, come two, and I'm up in the water. My lungs are full. And then I took two more steps, passed out again, smacked my chin on the side of the pool. My friends were all just laughing. They thought I was fucking around until I hit myself on the pool. And I came up, I was like, I think I passed out. They're like, Yeah, dude, you passed out twice. Yeah.

Start the burgers, man.

Yeah, it was terrifying, dude. It's called meeting the Wizard. That's what David Goggins calls it. Really? When the Marines train underwater and pass out underwater. Bro, it's fucked up. I could see when you have people like, Oh, he hit and drowned. It's like, dude, if you try to hold your breath too long, you can miss a window and you're just out.

Well, those Kansas City Chief fans were partying with their buddy, where they left those four dudes dead on his porch. That was Fentanyl.

Weren't they doing Fentanyl?

It seemed like something was crazy.

Yeah, I think they got Coke and they had Fentanyl. That shit's terrifying. Fuck. That's the one thing I'm happy I never got involved with because that's... And everyone I know still does Coke, which I'm like, is crazy. They're like, We're testing it. I'm like, No, you're not, dude. You're telling me you're drunk at a bar, you score Coke, and you're like, Hold up, let's test first. No, you're not. Yeah.

You're the same type of person that mailed his shit to somebody.

Can you imagine?

To mail your shit. You're just some dude in a fucking house, just pounds of shit just showing up at your door every day. You're just counting fucking money all day.

You're doing it in your garage like Jeff Bezos. What the fuck, dude? Babe, I'm going to analyze these turds. Let me analyze these turds.

Babe, come on. I got to fucking...

It probably just goes right to a landfill and they're You need vitamin D. And you're like, Thank you, sir. Thank you. I think I got tricked, dude.

Yeah. Testing your own. At that point, what are you having to do? It's crazy. Yeah. It's interesting. You have some tour dates coming up. I saw.

Yeah, man.

I got to-You're in New York next week? Yeah.

I got to go to the New York Comedy Festival, the town hall. I want them sweating that one. I think it should be good.

But it'd be fun. When you're sweating, what do you mean?

Ticket sales. It's going pretty well. I got to do that one. And then Capital One Hall. They're trying me in theaters right now. Clubs, I feel comfortable. Now, they're like, Let's do some theaters. So I'm like, Fuck. So just got to sell all the tickets of a weekend in one day.

I know it's scary.

Yeah, dude, it is scary. But it's going all right. I don't place too much pressure. It's like it is what it is. I try to promote stuff, but I'm not like, if it doesn't work out, that's just what it is. There's nothing I can do. So that's coming up. So I'm going to do that. And then I got a bunch of other dates coming up till basically May. We're all on mattmcusker. Com. Whatever. But come check it out.

Yeah, man.

If you want.

Yeah. And congrats you guys. This podcast is still doing great.

Dude, yeah. This is the dark night of our podcast. I'm doing it. I'm just holding it down. Shane's doing the tires. I've set up a new thing now where I have like, headset mics and I stand at a podium, and I have the guests stand at a podium, and it's been fun. Changes the energy when you're on your feet. Imagine if you're on your feet this whole time. It's a whole different energy.

It's a good point.

You have your hands are free. You're just on the headset.

You're thinking you're more creative.

You can move around. I like it so far. You have a podium to lean on. I can put a laptop on this under count. If I need to look at something, I can just... It's been fun. I'm really fucking around with it.

Yeah, Ben. Good for you, man. If you take a walk, sometimes I'll notice if I take a walk with a friend, we have such a better conversation. Big time. Or if I take... One of the things I like to do now, sometimes, if I'm even going on a date or something, it's just like, let's just go take a walk. It's like you get to know somebody is chill, you're in motion. You feel like you did something, too, when you You go on a walk.

Dude, for me, that's the best cure for when you get the mental zoomies, hit the fucking road, just walk. It helps so much.

Fucking walk till you're a stepdad.

Walk to that new family, dude.

Best of luck with all the tickets, man. Well, yeah, if you need a guest, too, if I come back, man, I'll have to pop in. Please, dude.

Please. That'd be awesome. Because Shane's taping in New York.

Is that where they're taping? Philly.

Yeah, right in Philly. I got like-Custabroth is taping with him.

Yes. I'm going to see him week.

Yeah, man. I got, I think, seven more weeks of episodes to record before it comes back. We've made it through. It's been fun. It's been a learning experience because it's easy. We can do it. We'll do it together. When it was just me, I was just like, well, fuck.

The dogs, man, they'll be excited whenever he gets back, though. Oh, yeah. You can hear them barking. They're ready.

They're ready. Trust me, they're ready for them to be back.

Tickets at mattandmycustler. Com. Matt, good to see you, man. Bro, thank you so much. Yeah, man. Have a good one. You, too.

Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of of mind I found I can feel it in my bones. But it's going to take.