Transcript of #621 - Andrew Santino

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And thanks for supporting the show, theovanstore. Com. Thank you, guys. Today's guest is a comedian. He's an actor. He's a podcaster. You know him from Whisky Ginger and Bad Friends. He has a new special, White Noise, that's out on Hulu right now. Today's guest is my friend, Mr. Andrew Santino. What's up? Good to see you, man.

Great to see you, bro. So good to see you. How are you feeling?

I'm feeling good, man. I'm feeling good, dude. What's going on? I don't have to tour anymore.

You're done.

For how long? We might have to I'm going to take my special.

You want to talk about it on the show? Yeah. I'm curious as fuck.

Are you?

Big time.

Yeah, I'm totally okay talking about it.

Yeah, I want to know.

Yeah, what do you want to know?

So all All I saw was what I saw on the internet of the taping, and then I texted you and I was like, How are you? Are you good? What's going on? Because the internet likes to drum up nonsense.

Yeah.

And you texted me some love back. And I just want to know how it went or what was the deal? What was going on?

Yeah, I mean, well, when we left out of there that night, we thought it went pretty good.

You felt good after it?

Yeah, I felt good. I was like, I don't know if we got it because there was definitely some hang-ups. I mean, there was a lot of stress going into I don't know if I want to go super down that road, but there had been... I switched off my medicine because I wanted to have a little bit more emotional, like a storyline. I wanted to be able to connect a little bit more in some moments. I was having trouble having any feelings because of antidepressants. It was just hard. It's like you try to get a feeling and it stalls out. It gets stuck in the mud. That was one thing. Then the government I put out this DHS video that made me really scared.

The immigration video? Yeah. Talk about pulling that out of context. They're so good at that. They just took something that had nothing to do with something else, you making a joke, and then they're like, he's our spokesperson. You're like, what? I didn't sign up for that.

I just got so much hate stuff. I mean, a lot of it I didn't see, but I would just see enough where it was like, fuck, this is scary. And that Charlie Kirk thing had happened, I think, a couple of weeks before. I started just getting real paranoid. I started getting real paranoid at home. I was paranoid about the show, like if there could be somebody in the audience. I think it made me really scared, to be honest with you. So that was happening. And then There was just too many cooks in the kitchen on this set. And then during it, I was just like, I think I just had too much. It was all much to, I think, get the show off as best as I could. And so that's all I left there thinking. I couldn't remember where the next joke went.

Yeah, sure. Because it's overwhelming. Yeah. I think people don't know that. I think I've said that a hundred times. I always quote Dan Soter. Soter always goes like when someone says, oh, I like Theo more this way than the special or whatever. But it's because with this, you're getting it straight from the tap. He's like, you're drinking out of the hose like you're a kid. This is drinking out of the hose in podcast world and internet world.

And live standup. Yeah.

When you do a tape special, there's so many more elements that go into it that people have no idea. Dude, I was changing. When I tape this last one, I did for Hulu.

White noise, yeah. White noise.

I changed 10 different things on the second to last show because I was tripping. I was freaking out. I mean, Zack Townsend, who's a great comic who opens for me. You know Zack from Nashville? Yeah. He's great. Zack was helping me rewrite some stuff to tighten up and cut the fat because I was bummed about a few of the jokes that I told, they didn't hit the way they did when I was touring. Then it gets in your head. Then I'm sitting backstage having this moment of like, Do I just not do that joke? He was like, No, that's a great joke. But I think it's hard to get that confidence back when you feel overwhelmed. They don't really feel it as much as you do.

No, they don't know. There should be a meter that they see that lets you know. A live meter.

How I feel about this shit right now? It's just jumping up and down. They could honestly tell you, Look, I'm feeling this a four and a half right now. It was a six in Des Moines, but now I don't know.

That's the worst when you get in your head about it because after the first one, you're like, Now, what do I change? Anytime you get to... You're standing at the finish line, and you're like, What do I adjust? But you've been around the whole track with all these jokes.

Oh, dude. It's hard. You know what? Sometimes it feels like, especially when a joke you think was really good. You know how some NFL players get in trouble because they dropped the ball before they crossed the goal line? I feel like I was doing that a little bit because I wasn't committing to the joke because I was unsure of the way that a tag came in or the punchline snapped. And then so I started to doubt myself. But that's so natural because TV cameras are up. So your brain does a thing that it doesn't do live. Live, you fly so free. It doesn't matter. You know what I mean? That's me. Yeah, dropping the ball before I get in the end zone. But I did it on two or three jokes. And then the last taping, Zack reinstilled some confidence in me and was like, Dude, just cut it out.

That was nice of him to say that.

Yeah, he helped me out a lot. He helped me out a lot. I think if you don't have people with you in your team, of whether it's features or hosts or friends or producers or directors or whoever, to give you that extra, dude, you're good, you're good. It gets hard. And sometimes there's too many cooks. Sometimes you're like, I know how to make this meal, man. You got to leave me alone. But when you need it, you need it. I think the more open we are to the audiences about that, the better off it is because the criticism is higher than it's ever been for specials and for tapings. I think when you come clean about what it is, what affected you, and the reality of it, the more loving they get around it. Because it's just a difficult task to film something. You're trying to capture lightning in a bottle, and the greats do it often because the reason that Louis does it so well is because Louis is, in my opinion, the greatest to ever do it. So, yeah, he captures lightning very well. It's really hard. I'm out there with a kite in the key, but it's tough to get it, dude.

It's really hard. And we do the best that we can, delivering after we've already toured this thing a ton, and sometimes you over-perfect it. You want to pinch this and change that and turn this here and push this in front of this. And then at some point, you have to let it go. But I was concerned in the fact that you're one of my oldest friends in comedy, and I wanted you to feel good because I know how it feels sometimes. When I did my half hour with Comedy Central, dude, it was my childhood best friend and my wife, my girlfriend at the time in the green room. I got off stage and my best friend was like, Bro. He came give me the biggest hug. I go, Can you give me two minutes in the green room with her? Is that okay? He got out and I just started bawling. I thought I tanked.

No way.

I just felt the pressure, and I let it all go, finally.

Oh, dude, now that you say that, I thought my first special after I did it, I was like, Why did I choose to do it? I thought, Let's do it at home. But people there had never seen comedy, a lot of them. There was a lot of LSU Tiger fans. There was some lady yelling defense the whole fucking show. I'm not even joking, dude. Cover two.

Cover two in the middle of your joke.

People had no fucking idea how to act. People were just yelling shit out like, Tell the story. It was just... That was a fucking hectic. I remember getting through that and being like, God, this is a That was hell.

It's hard. But I wanted to know you were good when I hit you because I wanted to know that everything was okay. People have their own opinions on the internet of what went down, which is like that video that circulated of you talking to the fans after the show.

Yeah, that was crazy. I don't even really remember it.

Because you're running hot at the end of a show. You're not really paying attention to anything.

I think somebody had kept bothering me a little bit. I don't want to say bother because people came to the show, but someone was being aggressive, kept asking me for something like, Can you do this thing? Can you make me a video? I feel like I was like, Look, lady, I'm just trying to take my own life, okay? It's been a tough couple of months or whatever. That's the only place I can imagine that I would say something like that, or if I would just said it flippantly or something. But I was trying to think of what retort because it's not like I was like, Hey, guys, I'm just trying not to take my own life. It's been a tough couple of months. It's not like I was making a speech like that, somebody. But yeah, we left out of there and we thought like, oh, shit, everything's good. I think we got it. Let's wait and see in the edit. We went out to some country bar. We had a great time. Glenny Balls was there. My buddy Aaron was there. And then we I woke up in the morning and there was just a ton of shit online.

I was like, I just can't even deal with all this. It made me learn a lot about online. I didn't even look at it. I didn't even look at any of that stuff. I haven't looked at any of the articles. One of them popped up when I was scrolling. It was like the Obama's Netflix or something, which wasn't even true. It was just like... There were moments during the show. It was like, Look, guys, I'm just having a tough time. I remember I went out there on stage and my mouth immediately got extremely dry. I was like, Oh, man, something is wrong.

Anxiety. You're excited and nervous about doing something so important to you.

That hadn't happened this whole time. I was like, I can't go to my stool and get water right now. I just walked on stage. They're clapping. I can't fucking take a break already.

They're like, Didn't you get water backstage, man? You're like, There's no water back there, man. We keep it all on the stool. We don't got it back there, brother. It's only on the stool.

Like the guy that shits when he gets right to work, dude.

The moment he walks in the door. I got to shit right away. I think it's an overwhelming feeling that cannot be articulated. I'm not smart enough to do it, but I do know what that feels like as a comic. What are you going to do now? You feel like you want to take it again?

I literally, yesterday, they just They're sending me another cut of I gave them some notes on a cut. They're sending me another cut. It might be fine. We had two good haves. I'm looking to see. But then also, I just wanted to have a little bit more of a story to it, which was the reason I was trying to a little bit more feeling and emotion so I could have a little bit more storyline in there about growing up and life. Maybe that's me. I was trying to do too much. I don't know. But you start to realize that these are photo albums for your time and your time you spent with this material. Neil Brennan said to me right for the show, he goes, Hey, man, this will be the last time you maybe ever do this material. So go out and have a great time with it. Enjoy it. Take your time with it. These are things that have brought you close to people and that have brought people out and hopefully, sometimes made people laugh. And so it was just like, there was just a lot going on, dude. And I was just like, I think I was just spreading myself too thin.

I don't know. It's just a lot of shit. And I just don't know if I landed it as well as I would like to. But we had to restart a couple of times. There was where I was directing in my head because I wasn't getting certain information. I was like, well, if the stool was here in the first one, does it need to be there in the second one? And where do I put it when I move it? Just little things like that. And then they had five extra people that didn't need to be there. It was like they would radio and it would just go to the person right next to them. It was like, We're living in a fucking... I almost thought it was a fucking... Somebody was playing a prank on me. And then I'd just got in a security guy. So there's this fucking guy who was just fucking... I mean, you could put a piece of coal in his hand in the morning, and you'd have a fucking...

Diamond when it comes out.

Or you'd have a fucking piece of coal that looked like it had a grill on it. You know what I'm saying? At least by the afternoon, a fucking tough guy. And he'd been stopping some of my friends. I just didn't even... Everything was just a lot.

Where did you find this guy, by the way? I'm always fascinated with security guards.

We found a Somebody in Nashville set us up with a guy that was there.

Like a military, ex-military?

I think so. Maybe cop, fire department, FBI, undercover cop.

Local mall security.

High school NARC.

I'm just going to get a guy that did ROTC in college. I don't even want.

That's what I want. I want a guy that did ROTC with that wooden gun and used his test 200. That's what I want.

My college roommate, my freshman year, my buddy Evan, he did ROTC and he got kicked out. You know how hard that is? It's impossible. They need you in there. They were like, Brother, you're running in the morning. You're out. You got to go. He just couldn't wake up. He didn't do the exercises, and they were like, You're out. We've almost never kicked anybody out of Arizona State ROTC. He was like, They're begging for people. Shout out to Evan. The The only guy I know that could get asked to leave ROTC, he was like, I'm just committed. I was like, I don't think so. There he is, spinning guns.

Well, the crazy thing is you can tell when an ROTC guy is in the military because the rest of the guys are lined up firing at the enemy, and this guy's just fucking whipping his shit in a circle. Doing tricks? Yeah, he's just fucking flipping his shit and buying Cameros online. Dude, all the ROTC guys...

Cameros are Mustangs. The Cameros are Mustangs. It's either a Camero or it's a 5. 0, baby.

Oh, dude, all the ROTC guys in our high school, all they would do was buy these fucking cars. They would buy sometimes, if they could, it would be a nice Camero, but every now and then, some guy would get jealous of the guy that had a nice Camero, and he would get a piece of shit and just put a fucking a $2,000 engine in that bitch. It would just fucking... You know that car when you were a kid? If you backed it up, you put it on the ground and backed it up, it built up energy.

You had to go forward. Yeah. It had a wind up. Yeah. Then it would just fucking go as fast and just ride off.

Never straight. That was that fucking dude, bro. It was just a piece of shit. Look, like a recycling bin fucking going at 200 miles an hour. Then they would write the 40 time on the windshield, and it was like clutch shit that they would do. They would put all these snipers, dying shit tattoos on their arms, and they were just in fucking ROTC.

Yeah, dude. They got dreams. That's going to be my security.

That's true. That's exactly what you needed. That's my security. Yeah. And so that was all scary. And then even just having a security. It was just like, dude, there was so much fucking... I was I was dealing with a lot of... I started to get paranoid. There was people after that Charlie Kirk thing texting each other like, Stay safe. Yeah. So there was just a ton of shit going into it. But we left out of there that night, had a blast, dude, and thought that we might have it. We'll just look at the tape. And then the media just like, Fuck them. But not fuck, but it's like, Fuck them. You just realize that they're bottom feeders, these websites that create these things. You're like, Oh, it's so sad.

That's what they need. I think that's how they make their money now. And the way that we changed, in the way that podcasting changed daily, current media, they copied us, but they took the worst version of it, where there's There's way more love coming out of you and this than they give credit for. So they're going to peel what they want to be the best story. The best story is never going to be, Theo is surrounded by friends and family having a good night. It's going to be the opposite. Nobody wants to read that. No one wants to read great time with Theo and his friends at the country bar with Glenny Balls. Nobody wants to read that. That's the unfortunate truth. They want to read the other thing. They want to hear the drama. They want the other version that makes them feel a little bit more interested and piqued. That's a bummer.

And we all do. That's the part of, even though it's like with myself, it's like, I needed not... What do I give my attention to? When I see things that it's like, oh, this couple split up or this thing, I don't want to give my attention to that because I'm just adding to that thing of like, Let me add energy into this, or look who got busted, or just shit like that. It's like, I'm just giving some energy into that if it's super negative.

Yeah, watch that all the way. I think the only thing you could do now, even when there's a lot of negativity, whatever in the public sphere, in the comedy sphere, in the whatever it is, I think I focus on drinking coffee and throwing the ball with my dog every morning. It was my favorite thing to do in the world. I did that here. I was late because of that. I drink a whole pot of coffee in the morning and I play with the dog, and that's my reset. I don't know because there's nothing going on when that's going on. I leave my phone at the house and I just go for walk and then go play with her in the backyard. Oh, you have a backyard?

Yeah.

We got a little tiny little backyard. In LA, you don't get much, but it's fake grass, too, which is... You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not taking care of grass, bro.

Well, in some of this new grass, it's crab grass, or it's that Chinese stalking grass or whatever it's called.

That's Bobby Lee's grass, the Chinese stalking grass? I don't know. That's what he calls it.

Chinese stalking grass, localized to refers to Chinese silver grass, a species also known as Japanese stilt grass.

The Japanese And still grass is much more patient and kind for some reason. Yeah, dude. There it is. Yeah. I can't take care of a lawn. You got land. Don't you have land up by you?

Fuck no, dude.

No, you don't have any land? I don't have any fucking land. I thought you'd have land up by you, dude.

I'm looking right now to try to just get a little bit more space, but some places it's tough. In one place I'm looking at, it's over by the inner... It's a little close to the interstate, so it's loud in the yard.

You don't want that.

Get away from that. You have to yell. If you have to yell, if you're at the I'm not talking to somebody, if you're like, do it like...

You really got to use your outside voices at a barbecue. Yeah.

So it's a lot of that, man. So I don't know. I'm looking, and it's tough because I do like to be able to podcast from home, that thing. And It's been a journey. And then it's like, sometimes it's like, do I get a house where if I have a family, then we can live? It's like you get caught in that space where it's like, or do I just get a house for me? But if I do that, am I locking myself into that? But then maybe some of that's just overthinking things. Yeah.

Have you ever thought about doing a compound with friends or family? People come live with you? Are you clean? Is your house squigy clean? Yeah. Are you a neat freak?

I mean, yeah, I'm pretty organized. Yeah, my house is clean.

Yeah, I think my dad was the son of a military man, so shoes can't be out of place. I have the sickness. I'm like, Just put it right there. My wife, I'll be like, Why? Those don't need to be there. She's like, Why do you care? I'm like, I don't know what's the sickness, dude. It's like, just move them into the other thing. I think that's my little OCD That's your Vietnam? That's my Vietnam, is where are your shoes? Put your shoes over there. That's my Vietnam. I have flashbacks. Loose laces on the floor in mud. Dude, move it.

That's my foot, Normandy, dude. It really is.

I'm Agent Orange, dude, so you know I'm going to come down on it.

Dude, I remember one time, a fucking van full of ginger people broke down on our street, and we'd never seen a van full. They didn't have it at the time or whatever.

We weren't allowed in a van for a long time. You know that, right? More than five was a small ginger army. Uh-uh. Yeah. Us government restricted more than five redheads at once in a moving vehicle. I think it was. Yeah, you could be in packs outside because we're controllable on foot. But in a van, dude.

Bro, we'd never seen it. I remember my dad, four got out, and he was like, You could hear his fucking temperature rising, dude. You could hear his fucking neck straighten a little.

What are you doing here, boys? Keep it moving.

Then five and then six. They had one that was weak or whatever, and he got out at the end.

We leave him in the back. Yeah, you got to. The smallest one must take up the rear because he's got to protect from the back, and he's got to be one of the first that could go. Yeah, ginger's traveling in Pax is a dangerous, dangerous thing. We don't really see each other like that. When I see another red-head, there was a red-headed girl yesterday this event that we were at, and she was like, My brother. I said, Let's take it easy because I don't know if you're an enemy or a friend yet. A regular person I meet on the street, Hey, how are you doing? Another redhead, I go, I'd like to see the resume first before I let you into my space because I don't know what ginger they are. There's different levels. Really?

Is there really?

Oh, big time.

It's almost like black people in that albino guy or whatever. You know that guy I'm talking about? That undercover black guy. Bring that guy up. Yeah.

There's got to be a vetting process. Can the albino black guy, does he say the N Bring up a couple of albiggas.

Is that a term or not?

It is now, dude.

Can we say that or not?

Look at that. Black albino guy with red hair.

Oh, that's what the fuck is all. Bro, that is the future, dude. Bro, take my money, bro.

Whatever he's selling. I don't know if that's more me or more if he's more red or more black. I don't know what group he'd go with. I mean, he's invited to the cookout and has to have a ring sunscreen, which is wild.

That's fucking Sunlight Jackson, Are you kidding me? Dude, are we going to get in trouble for saying how big is I feel like?

I don't know, bro. It's vague enough. There's my boy, Blake Griffin. He's a black, red-headed. He is. But he's so handsome and tall and athletic that he wanes away from the ginger side. We're usually pale, see-through, and frail.

Right. He's able to almost... He's above it because of his height.

Yeah, he superseded it. Yeah, he's gone above and beyond.

That's so rare in that community.

I mean, that is That guy still looks… 2000 plus black albino person stock photos. Man, they took a lot of pictures of this guy.

Dude, is this fucking Henry Rollins? I feel like that's fucking… Bro, this is basically the albino Henry Rollins. Dude, we're going to get in so much trouble for making fun of these guys.

We're not making fun of them. I'm showing some love. Yeah, you're right, actually. I'm fascinated when… You know what's so funny? That 100% is Henry, back to back. That's his alter ego.

Yeah. O Henry Rollins.

O Henry Rollins. No, dude, I think when I find red in other places, it makes me feel that we're still around. Oh, yeah. Because we're fading fast. I mean, look it up. They said redheads were going to be dead by 2045. Or something like that.

Bring up a batch of them.

Yeah, that's close, dude. That is a little too close for comfort. For me, I don't want to be extinct in the next 20 years. I think redheads will be extinct. 2060. Okay, they bumped it up. So we're moving. Oh, it's a false claim. It's debunked. All right, good.

Widely been debunked by geneticists and scientific organizations. But what do the people think?

It's more about the street.

In the early 2000s, the Oxford Hair Foundation circulated a claim that red heads would vanish in the future due to recessive nature of the red hair gene.

It sounds like a wish more than a thought. Yeah, than a hope. I mean, that red hair results from mutations. Yeah, the Mutant, MC1R gene.

For someone to have red hair, they must inherit two copies of the variant gene, one from each parent. Because this gene is recessive, many people carry it without having red hair themselves, and it can skip generations before reappearing.

Wow. I'm a mutant. Yet, I've never been booked on any Marvel stuff at all.

Dude, it's like a fucking Agatha Christie novel, dude. This is crazy, bro. It's amazing. In short, while red hair will likely remain uncommon, it's not going extinct ever. The gene will continue to be passed down quietly through generations, resurfacing whenever two carriers have children.

It sounds It's like a romantic murder mystery novel. It says it's quiet, resurfacing whenever two carriers have children. It will resurface.

I love that. Well, there is something powerful that it's so unique. If you ever see somebody that has blue eyes and red hair, it definitely feels like they're like...

He's cheering on here. He's got blue eyes and red hair, right?

Fresh off the tap. It feels like they're right off the tap.

Yeah, he came out of the factory.

It feels like they could have salmon swimming upstream in their veins. They feel super clean.

Yeah, he's still warm from being baked. Look at that. He's still warm. See, I've got brown eyes. I've got the Italian side got the brown in my eyes. I got brown and red. It is.

It's a dangerous mix.

It's a dangerous duo.

Yeah, dude, relaxing is the thing now.

Yeah, you got to. You're done touring no more. You're going to chill for a little while.

Yeah. It's so nice, dude. I've been going to football games. I've been trying to plan a date and then I'll go on the date or do something like that.

Are you going on a lot of dates? Are you dating right now or no?

Dude, I just ran into the most ridiculous thing. I'm in an airplane, and the girl that was working in the airplane was cute, right?

The flight attendant? Yes.

I didn't want to flirt with her because it's her job. It's a small space, right? But I felt like she looked at me a little more than just looking at... I felt like it felt like a little bit of a spark when we walked in. Sure.

Did she know who you I don't know. Chances are high.

Maybe. Yeah. And she was pretty tall, too, so she could see me because tall people can see a little bit more. Anyway, I get on the plane, I sit down, and then I'm like, And I don't see her. She's doing stuff. And then after a while, I was like, Well, I got to go up there. I'm going to get a diet code. So I go up there. And while she's making it, she's going a little bit slow. And I was like, Oh, I was talking to her and stuff. And then, dude, Fuck, dude. What a fucking idiot. I was like, I said, well, you should come to a comedy show sometime. I said, I work as a comedian if you ever want to come to a comedy show. Because we had some good conversations. She was asking me some questions back, and then she's like, Yeah, that sounds great. How should I get in touch with you or something? I was like, I'll give you my email, right? And I was like, Fuck, what?

Not a phone number? What are you doing?

Well, first of all, I I didn't know if it's unprofessional of them on their... I didn't know how much you can hit on somebody on a plane. And it's also a very small environment. If something gets weird or they feel threatened or something, it's weird.

You're a little too close for comfort. You can't just walk away.

Right. We're right there, so anybody could overhear. It's a small environment, and everybody's quiet. What if she's like, You don't do that. You just don't know how people are going to react. That's true.

But I mean, if you were feeling it, you were feeling it. If she was obviously vibing with you, then you throw her your... The email Because the email creates some separation where you go, This is my professional. If you want to come to a show, email me. You and your friends, you can come to the show.

Well, I didn't know if she has marriage or whatever. So I was like, Fuck, I don't know. I'm always afraid, I think if someone is married or has a boyfriend that I think that is a big deterrent. And it didn't seem like she did. She didn't have a wedding ring on. And she could just say, I guess I have a boyfriend, but I think I have a lot of, I guess, fear around that part. And so, yeah, I don't know, dude, but this is the fucking worst part. So she's like... I was like, well, do you have a pen? I can borrow. I'll just write it on a napkin at my seat or something. We've been up there for a while, and some fucking Asian woman was at the bath. She's banging on the fucking bathroom door now, and nobody's in there. I was like, nobody's in there. She fucking couldn't put it all together. She couldn't. She's still just standing there waiting. I was like, Fuck, dude. Now this Asian lady is right up against me. She's going to go in there and make a fucking soup or whatever. Those You get a good Chinese person, they'll make a soup in a fucking-They close off the sink?

Yeah, they make it in there.

Bro, they'll whip up a little bok choi back chowder in an airplane sink in 20 minutes, dude. Chinese people, you die walking next to a Chinese friend, they put a pot right there, light it up. They make a soup out of anything. They don't give a fuck, dude. They make soup immediately, and they keep it moving. So I'm like, this bitch is trying to get in there to cook.

That's why she was so anxious.

For sure. So I'm trying to get this lady's email, and I'm like, and the pin wasn't working good, dude. And now a line is building up for a bathroom that's open, right? It's like this fucking Asian lady, she's wearing three visors, fucking glasses. She was so fucking Asian. She wasn't even there, probably. She probably wasn't even under all the stuff. You probably had to order her online if you actually wanted her to be there, dude. But all the accouterments and shit were right there. So I'm trying to write the email, and the pin isn't working good. And I'm having to write it against the plastic in an airplane. It's not the best writing service. You're writing against the wall that's up by the bathroom.

It's probably textured, too. It's probably bumpy and textured.

It was just a lot. I finally got four letters of the fucking email, but I kept trying to etch it into the paper so you could see it if you put it by a light or whatever. The time has gotten too long. It's so weird. It's like, hi-yop, hi-yop. This lady is fucking just beating on a fucking door. I think the door's even open by now. If she can't figure out that she can just go in there and start a bun and burn her under the fucking sink.

Light it up, man. Get it moving.

I finally give the lady the email, and it has four fucking letters on it. Can I just went fucking sat down?

Sat down? That's it? Oh, my God.

It was too hot. The space had gotten too hot up there.

The stress was heavy.

What a fucking loser.

No, it's fine. No, not a loser. You get to keep swinging. That's the best part.

But imagine this. Okay, so this guy fucking came on the airplane. He gave me a fucking half of an email address. I should have just left my fingerprints on her back a little bit or something. She was very fair. I should have just written it in her arm with my finger.

Maybe you leave half the email to see how creative she is. Can you figure out the rest? Just give a girl four digits instead of seven. See if she can figure it out.

Then I was just sitting there like, Dear God, what a fucking loser.

There's a long flight left, too.

Who gives somebody their email?

Well, I mean, maybe she found it creative and cute. Maybe it was cute. If she really wanted to hit you up, she could find you. You're findable, dude.

I know, but it just broke my heart. It didn't break my heart, but it was just like, Dude, what are you doing? Just give it to her. You're like the guy that runs to third base and then just goes. Everyone wants to tell the pitch or something for no reason. It's like, Just fucking go home. Fly. Get to home plate.

It's open. It was wide open.

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Now you're just going to It's going to take some time.

But yeah, I'm taking some time, dude. Well, it's just nice. It's the first time where I haven't had something looming that feels like a lot.

Yeah, that's good.

That getting out there and touring can feel like a lot, dude. You're doing... You have the new- Well, My golf show.

Yeah, my golf show, which I'm coming to a close in this year. We're finishing this season. Then finally, I get an open space to just do dates on the road. I'm doing a bunch of working new hour and working out in clubs again. I wanted to go backwards and work in some fun little smaller rooms. I'm doing Punch in San Francisco and Tempe Improv. I just wanted to do a bunch of little clubs and then casinos to just really feel it again because I had toured so hard that I was like, I want to feel it again and go back in the new year. I'm doing a couple of clubs here before the end of the year and then casinos in the new year to try to feel it out again and jump around the country. Honestly, a lot of it, too, is so I can go see people again. Go to a casino one night and then go see a friend and go back to New York and all that stuff. Jump around.

Yeah. One day I would like to have maybe if I get married or get in a relationship, then I would travel with my wife and go in a camper or something. Oh, I love that. Before we start a family and maybe do some shows, but also just go see a lot of because you miss out on some places. It is nice to be able to schedule a place around where friends are.

You know who does that? Well, I don't know if he does it anymore, but I ran into Regan was with his girlfriend. I don't quite know I don't know. Brian Regan? Yeah, Regan's girlfriend or wife or partner or whatever. They were on a bus together. He was like, We're just touring the country, doing shows, goofing around, stopping at places that we feel like stopping. I was like, That is the move. My wife just doesn't really want to go to all these places because she's got her thing. You know what I mean? She's got her own career, so it's hard for me to pull her out. But it does seem like a cool little fantasy to get in the bus and stop by cool spots. You know, shit that I never get to see because we're on the road half the time. You're in a city and then you got to go. Then you're in a new city and you're like, Oh, that'd be we got to go. You got to jet so much. But also, after living on a bus with Bobby for a couple of months.

Yeah. What was that? You were on the bus with him. Yeah.

We did the bus tour last year. It was really hard. It was really hard.

What are some of the toughest parts about living on a bus with Bobby?

The number one rule when you're on a tour bus is no pooping on the bus. You got to wait to poop. You can schedule it. You make an internal agreement saying to yourself, We will poop when we get to a place. He pooped on the bus within the first week. He broke the rule within week one. You can't poop on the bus week one.

How many weeks was the tour?

It was like three months. Oh, my God. He broke rule week one. Then his schedule It was crazy.

His legs don't even... Dude, I actually walked in in the bathroom one time. His legs aren't on the floor while he poops. I feel like it's so much harder to poop when you can't get traction from the floor.

No grip. Yeah, he's not grounded at all. Well, we put a squatty potty under there so his feet do touch something. Oh, that's for him to feel regulated. That's for him to feel regulated.

Because I walked in one time, he was literally squeezing his body down like a tube of toothpaste, trying to get it out of him.

You have to roll it now with him. If you don't roll down with him, gravity doesn't do all the work for him because Koreans keep most of it up and high. You got to really I'll massage him. A lot of times, I'll massage his shoulders and back. If he says, I got to go to the bathroom, I'll say, Well, give me an hour with you first. So I'll roll down his back, roll his sides out. You have to. You really have to.

Oh, he's like a Philo Do, brother. He's a very rare dough. Look at him.

He is. You got to let him rest. Now he's getting skinnier, though, man. He doesn't look like that anymore. He's on Ozempic, and he's flying free. No, he's not. He's on Wojovy, which is the alternative because he threw up on Ozempic pretty bad. He was sick as a dog. Every time we went out to eat, he'd get sick. Then he was like, I think I can't do it. Then he switched up, and then he started taking Wegovy, which is like another alternative, and he's been incredible. I think he lost, he'll say the real number, but I think it was 30 something pounds. But look at how thin he looks there, man.

Oh, my God.

Look at how thin he looks there. That's crazy.

He looks great.

He's feeling much better. He's still looking for love, though. His whole journey is now, he's looking for love.

You can't look too hard.

He's searching, bro.

You can't look too hard, man.

He's staring deep, deep into that abyss of the dating pool. And also the apps. You're I'm not on the apps. I'm not on the apps. Yeah, he lives and dies by those things. He loves them. He does? Yeah, but he doesn't commit.

Did you ever do the apps when you were dating?

No, man. That world seems so dark to me. Also, I see all my friends following the same traps where they hit up a girl, they talk for a second, then they never meet up or they never link. It ends in a weird blank space. There's truly no risk-reward. It's almost like-Yeah, dude. It doesn't matter if it happens or not. If you schedule a real date, you meet someone in the real world, the girl on the plane, risk, real risk. You're on a plane. Here's my number or my email. Does it work? We'll see. On the app, it doesn't matter, bro. On the app, he talks to a bunch of girls, then he stops talking to them when he feels like they're not engaged or he's over it.

Dude, yeah, I remember I was on the app one time, years ago, and it was when Steven Avery was popping off, the guy that was killing people at that used car lot or whatever. All my pictures were of him. Remember that one kid? Yeah, that was definitely one of them. And remember... And Brandon Dassie, who was like his accomplice.

Dassie was his nephew or something? Or what was that, right?

They were both, I think, retarded or whatever.

I don't know if that's it. I think they were both just... Back in the day, we used just quiet men. They were just quiet men. Brett Dassie was a misunderstood quiet boy. Now, I don't really know the... I don't remember this case My buddy's played Dassie on Call of Duty. On NFL 2K? Yeah. Dassie's the Unlock a Player?

He's got his screen name or something.

I thought you meant he had an avatar. You could play as Dassie. I played NBA 2K with Dassie.

He's just standing by a fucking burn barrel, smoking a dart with his buddy. He doesn't even know. He's cooking wieners. There's a deceased body, and he doesn't even know. He just thinks it's an open fire.

He's always in the gulag. He lives in the gulag, bro.

He's just cooking Franks on a stick over a burning body. He doesn't even know. But anyway, I put a lot of Fernand Dasty photos on there and a lot of Steven Avery photos because I was like, Oh, this is topical right now. Chicks will see this. A lot of chicks love crime.

They love crime stuff. Yeah.

Then I put the cousin from Home Alone. Remember that kid with the glasses?

Yeah, I loved him. Fuller. You're going to wet the bed, Fuller. You know who that was, right? You know what actor that was? Uh-uh. That's That's Macaulay Culkin's brother. That's the kid from Succession.

No.

Yeah. What's his name? Why can't I think of his name? What's his name? Kieran Culkin. Kieran Culkin. That's him as a kid. You're going to wet the bed, Fuller.

Yeah, dude. I put a picture of him and then two pictures of me, and they got so pissed at me. You can't put accused killers or whatever. And I was like, Get fucked, guys.

Well, you're just talking about what's going on right now. That's what's happening in the news right now.

So they had some shit or whatever. But anyway, that was the last time I was on it, I think so that was probably about nine years ago. I think I just want to be addicted to that stuff. I don't want to get to the part where you don't get a response from somebody or you don't get something, and it makes me feel bad.

You feel like it's a shot at you or something.

Right. I think I'm a little too sensitive with that shit. I also don't like somebody being able to tell me no if I'm not right there.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's easy. Give it to my face. Right. Yeah. Know me to my face.

Yeah. Email me and tell me no. Okay.

I hope that flight attendant, wherever she is, I hope she's watching. You got to reach out to Theo. Take him on on a date. What's your perfect date? What's Theo's perfect date?

That's a nice question. You know what it is, dude? I realized it's just like going for a walk somewhere. Something easy. Just through a nice nature trail or something like that, which sounds like a fucking... Which sounds very much like a fucking...

Like you're going to create a murder mystery then? Yeah. Well, dude, did you see this thing with Dax Sheppard and Kristen Bell? She did a post about their anniversary, 12 years or something like that, and she wrote on her Instagram, where he's hugging her there. Which, by the way, I thought it was like, I thought he was hugging his daughter. It looks like a child.

That's her.

It says, 12th wedding anniversary to the man who once said to me, I would never kill you. A lot of men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even though I'm heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would. Then a bunch of people were like, This is not healthy. She's just she's goofing. She's just playing around. Look at that. Wait, wait. Dateland, NBC wrote, Screenshotted. What? They want to use it for something in the future in case something goes down. I don't know. She's just being played. She's just goofing around.

I think one reason why women like true crime and like murder.

Murder mystery, yeah.

Is because at least the man's committing. At least if this guy's going to kill me-He's going to go all the way. And it's commitment.

That's why they like it.

Women want commitment. It's like, Oh, this guy is at least willing to fucking actually kill me instead of some fucking pussy-ass guy who comes by and just me and pokes me and makes me get my nails and cuder shaved up and all this stuff just to waste my fucking time. At least this fucking decent man has come over here and committed to fucking crime and committed to murder.

I am fascinated with the idea that why women like it so much. My wife, she doesn't like it the way that I see... A lot of women love murder mystery because I think it affirms their belief that any man could be a killer. It's almost like verifying the fact that they go, Yeah, Theo's sweet, but could be a killer. I think they think that about every single dude could be a killer. For some reason, it's ingrained in their DNA. It's got to be nature, protective years of nature of thinking, if the village is running out of food, The big Neanderthals are probably going to be like, We got to kill some of these women. They're eating the food. We got to get rid of them. We'll go find new women. I mean, that's got to be some weird old-school human instinct. Also, don't the mantises, don't they eat the guys after they have sex with them? Isn't that what they do? The praying mantis, I think, don't they kill the man the moment that they're done getting impregnated? There's got to be bugs that do that like crazy.

Bugs? There's fucking people in Memphis doing this shit. How many animals-Yeah, sexual cannibalism.

Female praying mantises will do it. They'll eat the male during or after mating. You got to wait till I'm done. Don't eat me while we're going at it.

Unless it's right after I bust.

Yeah, Take me now. Or right when I'm doing it. That would be hot. Kill me right when I'm doing it. Dude, that's crazy.

What other animals, I believe it's male raccoons, will eat the children of a female raccoon so that she'll go right back into heat to want to make more children. To make another one. So they can have sex again.

I'm lucky that didn't happen with me. You get a redhead baby, you're like, I got to kill just to get another one. This is the one I want. Male raccoons do do that.

Are known to sometimes kill and even eat the young of females. And one main reason is exactly that, to make the female go into heat again. The behavior is a form of infanticide, and it serves as an evolutionary purpose similar to what's observed in lions and some primate species. Wow.

God, that's wild. And female raccoons can't become pregnant while nursing. They must finish raising the litter before entering... I can't say that word.

Esdras. Esdras. When a male kills her kits, she will return to Esdras within days, allowing him to sire his own offspring rather than raising another male's. Wow, that's insane.

That's some Stephen King shit.

I mean, if that happened in human society, it would be absolutely crazy.

Kill your own just so they get hot again. That's like a Black Mirror episode. You know what I mean? In the future, you're like, We need to make the perfect human. So every time they have a kid, if it's not exactly what they want. They're doing now people, you can pick things. They're engineering kids now. You can pick the specifics of your kid. You want it to be a certain height, category, weight, hair, eye color. We're getting into we're playing God. We're playing God. It's going to backfire tremendously bad. Sometimes I think Shoheya Ohtani was made in a lab. You see that dude. You're like, do you know a lot of 6, 7 Japanese dudes? 265? You're like, This dude was made in a lab to be the greatest baseball player of all time.

Where was he made?

What lab was he made? I mean, look at the size of this man. Arguably, the greatest baseball player I think I've ever seen live. It blows my mind. If you watch him live, you've seen him live.

It's unbelievable.

It's shocking. He's not even understanding how good he is.

He can't even tell us how much fun he's having because he doesn't even speak English.

That's why he does that, though. He doesn't want you to know. He stays that way. He's not trying to learn.

It's on. He was not made in a lab. Bullshit. Yeah. He's a real human born in Japan. He was born in Mizusawa, Iwate Prefecture, known as Oshu.

Yeah, Oshu. In Japan, were both athletes in his youth. His mother played badminton. Oh, that answers that, I guess. Badminton players always make the best baseball player.

Bro, imagine how savage his mother is at badminton.

She's the baddest bitch at badminton. His father was an amateur baseball player. I did know that. But a factory worker for the most part.

Oh, that's cool.

The rumors claiming he was created in a Japanese laboratory are satirical. That's right, humorous. That's what we're doing here.

We're just joking. We'll figure it out.

We're just joking around.

But, dude, everything's getting outsourced now, dude. Everything's... Bro, we're doing this new thing with Mike Row, where we're going to do-Dirty Jobs, Mike Row?

Yeah. I love that guy.

Oh, he's great. His voice is great. He's fascinating.

God, dude.

Dude, every time he talks, I can hear my mother,, which is crazy. It's like...

He gets women pregnant by the bearer tone in his voice.

Maybe we need to get rid of that statement. That's a statement that's insane. That's crazy to say, right?

Keep it. No, I like it. Keep it. It makes sense.

I don't think so. Let me give you my email.

Just give me a half. Is Roe married? I'm not sure. If he was a single guy, my good God.

God is doing fine.

Let me do some cleanup. It's very newsworthy because he has inflection that jumps up and down.

He worked on- No, he's single.

He's never been married. Been in some long terms, though.

God. He worked on QVC whenever he first started.

That's how he got to start? Yeah. No shit.

We're doing this thing where it's like small All-American companies, like mom and pop companies, trying to create an avenue for them to sell Christmas gifts to other people. We're going to do this episode that's all about that and feature a bunch of different products.

It's slicing out Amazon, so to speak, right? You're like, take it back to the local shops.

Yeah, just so Then it's almost like you get two gifts. I get to get somebody a gift, but also get to give another person a gift by buying something from them.

What Tom's shoes did, where you buy a shoe, they give a shoe to somebody. I don't know if that's true.

Well, all these products It's purely American made, so everything is like, it's purely American made. But one of the things we're noticing, dude, is like, there's nothing made here. No. If we shut off China completely, we would fucking be living off of beef jerky. Which I love. And wind chimes.

Bro, and garden gnomes. We're still producing those like crazy, bro. You go past the nursery down the street, there's 100,000 of them. I'm like, Who's still buying these? But they're still made here. And by the way, the more I see companies that are trying to do the made in the USA thing, the prices go skyrocket. That's the worst part that you're like, I want to support them, too, but my God.

Well, there's no infrastructure. I mean, you can't get hardly anything done here is what we're seeing, right? But some of that's starting to change. There's people that want to do it. There's this Good Rancher's company that is sourcing meat that's just in America. There's American Giant, which has finally created an avenue for getting cotton ginned here and that they can use to create textile and shirts, but it's electronics?

No, that's gone. Nothing. We lost that a long time ago. We were never going to... But also, they make the best electronical shit, man. If you've seen in Japan, they've got those streets that have kinetic energy that stores energy for... You walk Now, when you walk down sidewalks in Japan, it stores kinetic energy as you walk in the sidewalks. Look at that. You press down and it takes the kinetic energy and stores it for energy usage in the future. Brother, there's a pothole on my street that's been there for nine years. We can't get that shit fucking fixed. They got kinetic energy sidewalks.

I mean-Yeah, that's where Mike Rowe keeps his voice in that bottle. That thing's deep.

I live down here.

But, dude, they have a sidewalk over there. They can tell if you're a f or not, too. They really?

Yeah. Damn. Isn't that crazy? Japan is advanced.

But, dude, that's a scary day to take your son for a walk. Let's see what happens here, fella.

They took the idea of what was it when we were a kid? What was it called? There it is. That's the road.

And that's us just painting.

That's me and you just walking around. Now, if you come when you're on that block, that's how they know. Then they got you. One of us.

That's for sure, dude. Bro, that's the shit.

That's out of pocket. That is so stupid.

But that's great, though. That's that rainbow street. But the craziest thing was, remember they put all that rainbow and the black pride stuff right next to each other. And meanwhile, in black culture, they do not accept a lot of gay people.

That is not on the same block. They're like, move that to the other block.

Put that shit in the coldest set.

That shit is a dead end. Put that shit on the dead end.

Dude, technology is getting so crazy, man. Did you see the... Fuck, I gave her my fucking email. Can you even imagine?

Half an email is even worse.

But what I tried What is this fucking hard as I could. She gave me the pen. Dude, but... And then just sitting in my chair and just being like, Bro, why did you go up there? You got to die a coke and give a woman half of a fucking email address. You are fucking good. No, speaking of technology, dude, there's a toilet. Bring up that toilet. There's a toilet now. They want to be able to... Is it film you while you're Or doing poops or whatever?

Yep. They film you while you're shitting.

Or they want to be able to test your poopoo.

Oh, I like that. Test me to see if I'm healthy.

Yeah, but fucking, dude, what if you just had a fucking night where you had a couple of barks, root beers, and some pizza?

Right. It's going to let you know how bad it was for you. That's good. I want to know.

Bro, can we discontinue Hot Honey pizzas because those are making people- Why is that a thing?

I don't understand Honey on the pizza. They always do that. They go pepperoni, jalapeno, and hot honey. That's the new shit. I don't like that. When did Honey make its way out of that?

It's just people that want to shit more. There's people that can't- Kohler makes a tiny camera in your toilet to analyze the contents. Some smart litter boxes can monitor our pets habits and health, so having a camera in our human toilet bowl seems inevitable.

No, it doesn't. I don't need a camera in there. I don't want it to watch me. I don't want that stuff posted. The Kohler is like, Uploading now to Facebook.

Ricky just shit. Ricky's shit gets a four stars.

See my little wiener barely making it over my balls first thing in the morning when I'm shitting on Facebook? My dad would post 100% on accident. He'd be like, Help me take this down. I posted the Kohler clip. Andrew, I posted the fucking Kohler clip. Please help me take it down.

It was a thick piss, damn it. Look, sometimes I pee sitting down. They're calculating it wrong. That would be my fear, dude. But it says it right here, the 599 decoda clamps over the rim like a toilet bowl cleaner, pointing an optical sensor at your-Escretions and secretions. Excretions and secretions. It then analyzes the images to detect any blood and reviews your gut health and hydration status. Depending on the plan you choose The fee is between $70 and $156 per year.

We need to go back to my grandfather who never went to the doctor. He was like, I'll figure it out. It'll get me when it gets me. My grandfather never wanted to know. This is something interesting. There's a couple of friends of ours, not my liberty to say that went and got a full body test to make sure they're okay. One of our friends came back with something who you know. It scared him a little bit, but he got it taken care of. It was benign, so luckily it was okay. But I got the fear of... He's like, You should go do it. I thought, I don't know if I want to know. Do you want to know? I think just let it happen when it happens. I don't want impending doom. I just want to live life until it's over. I think there's so much noise stressing us out, that more noise about our existence. What's this That's the comment that's coming at us right now that I think might hit us or whatever? I don't want to know. Just let it hit us. Don't tell me it's going to hit us. I don't want to know it's going to happen because then I'm preparing for it to happen.

I'd rather just keep living free until it happens.

But what if you're living free and your neighbor is just digging a huge hole in his yard to fucking hide in?

Let him live then. That's his choice. People build bunkers. People have been building bunkers for how long? I mean, as far as we know, the Denver airport is a big bunker. I mean, and they've told us for years. They're like, No, that's not true. Then the older you get, the government goes back on what it said. Remember they said there was no UFOs when we were kids? There's no fucking UFOs. Then a year ago, it was like, Yeah, there's UFOs. We got a bunch of them, too. We keep collecting them.

They're in the water. They said that. Remember that shit for a month?

They're living in the water. They're getting transferred. You've been to underground in New York. You're like, This is where they live for sure, dude. It's Hasidic Jews and the underground protecting the aliens. We got a conspiracy theory. Remember the Hasidic Jews?

They busted them in that fucking tunnel? In the underground. And they never even...

No, they wiped that away. They were like, we're never talking about that again.

There's a dirty mattress and they never even went to.

The secret synagogue, that's what it was. That was the wildest shit I think I've ever seen in my life. They busted them crawling out of those things, and Then out of a sidewalk. Yeah, the one that the dude is on the sidewalk was probably the most wild photo. Oh, dude, speaking of wild photos.

It was that sidewalk that judges you two that knows it. It was like, Banker, extortionist.

Right there. Look at crawling out of a great. That is insane, dude. I know, dude.

Look, the sidewalk is just rattling off right there.

You want to talk about a weird photo, dude. Did you see this Time magazine picture of Trump? Did you see his response? It made me laugh so hard. They took a photo of him. They said, they put him on Time magazine for the hostages, and they wrote his triumph.

That's a picture they used?

Well, look at his neck. Yeah, he commented about it. He was like, They deleted my hair. I mean, you zoom in on that guy's neck. It's That is the worst photo I've ever seen, dude.

Oh, that neck, it's definitely... It gives long nut.

Yeah, that's long nut neck. That's long nut neck. Honestly, look what they did put the son in his hair. He's like, They deleted my hair. They don't like my hair. I mean, it does look photoshopped. It's hilarious.

They fucked him on this. How gaza heels. That whole thing was just a fucking a bunch of bullshit.

You think they were going to give him... This is why it's funny. Time magazine wasn't going to praise him all the way. Of course, they were going to put a bad photo. You think they were going to give you the photo of your choice? Come on, no fucking way. By the way, I think about that all the time when I take photos with fans of how stupid I fucking look. Then when I do die, they're going to use one of these dumb fucking photos of me, like half closed eyes, looking the other way, blurry, dumb-headed. Every time I take a photo, I'm sure I look like a fucking idiot when I take one on the road. When people want photos now, I always go, Hey, man. They go, Hey, can I get a photo? I go, Yeah. Can I selfie it? So I can just take it of us. That way I know I'm like, Hey. Then I know what I look like instead of a fat, dumb red moron. They deleted my hair. Oh, disappeared my hair. That's what it was.

They disappeared my hair.

They disappeared my hair.

Dude, I'm hanging out. I was with Kid Rock the other night, and he calls Trump, dude. It's like fucking- He's got him on speed dial? It's like 1 AM. He calls him. He's like, Let's go. Trump answers. They're fucking talking. I'm like, Dude, what is going on?

How is his house, by the way?

It was awesome. Kid Rock's house is sick.

I've heard it's wild. It looks like the White House. Is that true?

He's a sweet dude. Bob's a nice guy, man. He's He's thoughtful. He's Kid Rock, but he's also a fucking complete fucking.

Yeah, it looks like the White House, right? Isn't that? It's a dupe of the White House?

Yeah, that's it right there.

God, that's bananas to me.

And you can see it from town if you're at a restaurant.

It's pretty cool. It's perched up on the hill.

Yeah.

That's Nashville? Or where is that?

Yeah, that's in Nashville. Dude, last week, we went to NBA Youngboy, which was dope. I went to watch Ella Langley play, which was awesome. And this kid, Dylan Marlowe. Have you ever heard of him?

I don't think so, but I'm really bad when it comes to that stuff. That group I was playing in the hallway, I'm in love with them, and I forget their name.

Oh, Cameron Marlowe. Sorry. Dylan Marlowe is great. I've watched him. But Cameron Marlowe, this guy.

Is this his brother? Are they related? No.

No.

Oh, wow. Handsome fucking dude.

Yeah, I didn't look at him like that. I am.

I'm looking at him like that.

Yeah, fuck him then.

I might. I always figure half of it's got to be talent, half's got to be handsome. He's a handsome cat.

I will say this, now that I think about it a little bit more, which I'm not going to think about a lot, he's a little bit handsome, but- He is. Bro, sing like God. I mean, just like- Country? I don't even know. Gospel, country, God. It's just like it's a lot. God's music. Phenomenal, though. Then we went and saw your boy Dermot Kennedy the other night. He's Irish.

Yeah, one of my own.

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You know what I need to do with you, truly, because I've been watching a lot of videos on TikTok I went down a rabbit hole. There's a really pretty woman who goes to the gathering of the Juggalos, and she gives you tips on how to operate in that space. Do you know what the Pooh Dollar is? Mm-mm. At the Juggla, when you go to ICP shows, there'll be money on the ground all over the place, but it's wrapped in Pooh. Somebody poohed in it, and then they film you picking up a Pooh Dollar. She's giving you tips on how to not get caught picking up Pooh Dollars.

Oh, that's good.

That's very sweet of her.

Is she a cool check?

Let's see if we have it. She seems great. I love watching her videos. She's given you tips of the Gathering of the Juggalos.

There's a girl right there.

Is that her? People get so fucked up here that they pass out for 12 hours and don't feel or hear or see a thing.

Because they're asleep.

It's the gathering. Of the Juggalos in Thornville, Ohio. The Gathering of the Juggalos is a fucking 12 out of 10, dude.

People don't give a fuck up. This check is fucked up, huh?

They're throwing full cans of Faggle with people, and they're taking wristbands. And so when you're just like a dead body laying on your cot for 12 hours. People come out to you, fuck with all of your shit, dude.

Enjoying a 12-hour nap. Who is this, dude? Plus three points.

You got to have a tent. You got to have a safe place to sleep because I know a lot of ninjas that are out of here, passing out on the grass and just laying there because they got in with their last bucks. They don't have shit. So they're passing out the road wherever they can, sleep until the sun comes up, dude. We're here to gather. We're here to have a good fucking time. We're here to not give a fuck. Because society doesn't accept us, so we're going to accept everybody that's here.

Being accepted plus 20 points. Those people are asleep, you idiot. That's what they're doing.

You can't mess with people that are sleeping, dude. He's just recharging after being partied out all day.

Dude, that check, is that a lesbian? Who was that lady? That's crazy.

She's AI, dude. This is the new world. We'll never know if these people are real. The amount of times I'm fooled now by AI is getting out of control. Also, I don't know why, Sora, that's what's called. That's a new thing. Sora is making more. Maybe it's my feed. There's more Kobe Bryant videos than I've ever seen. They have him like, dunking on old women in the gym and shit. This is O'Tani's mom. Oh, that's O'Tani's mom. Oh, that's O'Tani's mom. Oh, that's O'Tani's mom. Wow. That's a badmitten champ right there.

Is that Sora or that's real?

That's Sora. That is Sora. But how would I know? You were like, Oh, O'Tani's mom is a champ. How would I know?

It's not even as great as it can be. It's going to be weird. What do you think happens with the future of Will they still continue to use actors? What will they do? I don't know, man.

I talked to a guy literally yesterday who creates... He has a company that does simulators for golf. He was talking to me about the simulation technology that they use for golf. And then he's like, Eventually, you may not even have to need to go play the course. We will have everything feel, hear, smell. It will feel like you're in there. The temperature will be the same as it is on the location. You'll feel like you're playing with your group. You We're uploaded into that metaverse or whatever. When he was talking about it because he was super intellectual and I'm an idiot, and it scared me a little bit because I thought, well, then are they going to need that stuff? I just think, I don't know what the business is going to look like, but I do know live entertainment will always... You will need to go see somebody live. I hope. I'm praying that people will still want to go feel that human interaction. In the same way that young people are getting into more analog shit. This guy I was talking to yesterday, his son is a young man, and he was like, he likes records.

He likes CDs and tapes. He thinks it's cool because it's throwback. And I think that will have a resurgence in its own right. But eventually, everything is going to be so digital. It'll be an afterthought. I don't know. I hate to think of it because I do want creators to still create. But I think one of the only forms that will exist, unfortunately, would be live. I'm probably wrong, but I think people I don't want to see people live. But as far as entertainment goes, if you think someone's not going to get home after a twelve hour workday where they busted their ass doing something all day long, they get home, they kiss their kids and their wife, they put their kids to bed and they sit down on the couch. And instead of scrolling, they go, hey, will you show me a movie where The Rock is a pancake chef, and he's got to get into a fist fight over over cooked pancakes with Jason Statham, and it's like, Bum, bum. That's what they make. You know what I mean? You know that's going to happen. I don't think it's healthy, but I don't know that's going to happen.

Or like, It's my wife's birthday. Can you make a collage?

I forgot a gift. Can you make something right now and 3D print it? It's in your fucking living room already. Remember Back to the Future when they made that pizza? Do you remember that when they're in the kitchen? You bring up that photo. It was so ominous. It was so ahead of its time.

They're in the kitchen. Is it a medium pizza?

It's this big. Personal pan pizza? Yeah, personal pan. But then once they put it in the machine, it comes out as a full pizza. I thought, That's 100% in the making right now. There's no chance that Look at that. It starts as that. That was so long ago. They put it in something and it expands to what it truly is now.

Here's the crazy thing. It'll all taste like pizza. It'll taste like all the flavors, but none of it will be actual- It won't be pizza.

No. It'll be It'll be some digital makeup of a thing that resembles pizza. There she is putting the little tiny thing from Pizza Hut on the tray in the center. Black & Decker, shout out, plug, good company plug right there.

The hydrator.

Hydrating. That's That's what it said. Hydrating. That's how I would do it. I would do impressions of all those noise. Look at that. You think that's not coming? It's coming.

That was in 1989. That looks good.

Now, brother, that looks delicious. I know. And not an ounce of it will be pizza. You're right. It'll just be whatever's in the ether.

What's that meat company? I can't believe it's not meat or whatever. Or meat.

I know. Impossible. Impossible meat. Beyond meat.

Beyond meat. Yeah, dude, it's It's like the technology is getting crazy. Did you see that thing with AWS and the beds?

What do you mean? What did they do with beds?

Aws crash causes 2,000 smart beds to overheat and get stuck upright.

My dad, I physically can see my dad being like, It's too fucking hot. What's wrong? Yelling at my mom, You're sweating. Move over. God damn it. Move over. He doesn't know that it's the fucking bed. The AWS over eating.

Move over. He's got her out in the yard.

In the garage when I sleep. God damn it.

The outage, a major American web service American Web Services outage on October 20th had the unexpected side effect of causing chaos in bedrooms across US. As owner of 8 Sleep's $2,000-plus pod mattress covers, found their smart beds had no offline mode and were stuck at high temperatures and odd positions in the night.

Just sweating like this all night. That is awful. $2,000 mattress, too. I mean, good God. You're a Totino. You become a Totino's Pizza Roll. Hydrating. Well, this is the problem. Tech is getting too tech. You remember in high school, the one kid that had a water bed? There was always one kid in high school that had a water bed. We knew one dude whose mom and dad would let him have a water bed.

Yeah, or their dad had one.

Their dad had one, and they got to use it. I knew a kid who had a water bed. Really? Yeah, I knew a kid. He was the only child. His parents were old, so he was a late-life accident, and he got Bro, he had all the toys. We could do whatever we wanted in his house. His parents didn't give a shit because we were in high school. They were 60. They didn't give a shit. They were fucking retired, and we were 14 years old. So they were on vacation. They were in Bocca. You know what I mean? We were kicking it. We got to do whatever we wanted. I remember he had a Cobra Mustang, '97, '98, and he had a Ford Lightning SVT. I remember most of us didn't even have a car, and he had two. His dad taught me stick shift on a 19... I want to say this right, '76 or '67 Stingray. Which one was it? Was it '76 or '67 Corvette Stingray? He's taught me stick shift, That was the one right there.

He had all the toys, huh?

Yeah, man. '76. That's what it was. '76 Stingray. I learned stick shift on that in a church parking lot. This guy's dad taught me how to do it. Dude, I thought the Abbie was like, they're the coolest people on Earth. He had a water bed. He had everything. Oh, bro.

Give him my email, dude.

Half of it. I'll give him half your email, bro. But I remember he had the water bed, and I thought how that was the flyest shit on Earth. Then one day, he was like, No, man, you get stuck in that thing all the time. You'll slide into a corner and you'll be slunched against the sea. You're waking up like a pirate, dude. He's like, It sucks.

You're fucking... Where somebody puts a little fucking bass in that bitch. You're sleeping, bro, and there's a little drought just coming up near your mouth just because the salt from your drool is going through.

He's got Will you fill with koi fish?

Bobby's fucking shitting in there the first week. He gets it. Yeah. Like, dude, do not shit in your waterbed.

Do not shit on the waterbed, please. It'll move.

Dude, the technology is just crazy. We had I have Craig Neumark, the founder of Craigslist, on, and he's a big advocate. He does a lot of fundraising and donations a lot of money to cyber security. That's a big world that he's involved in. And he says that there could be a hijacking of a product where suddenly all the cars just go and drive off a bridge. There's nothing you can do.

That scares the shit out of me.

Or all the Teslas just go to a fucking gay bar or the Jets game or whatever, which is pretty much the same thing, too. But just Just imagine you're sitting in your car and you're like, what the fuck? Everybody's going to Trenton, New Jersey or something.

Just at the same time.

And there's nothing you can do.

Yeah, that scares me. When I get in my car sometimes and it tells you it updated, it's like, updated a map without you even saying it's okay, they're eventually going to update and in total have ownership and control over where you go. They'll tell you where to go. Time for a check-in. It'll just take my ass to the doctor. You're avoiding this. Let's go. I If we don't want to go to the dentist. We're going to the dentist. I think technology is going to start to own us in a way where we won't even be able to make decisions. And eventually, generationally, people will just be okay with it because that's the way of life. In the same way that I remember going out to dinner. When I was a kid, I remember when my mom was dating my stepdad before they got married, they'd go out to dinner and they would let me come sometimes. And I'd be under the table with tablecloth, and all they would see was a little hand grab a French fry and then go under. And that was my little adventure time. And it was my little play world under there.

And then now kids all have iPads and iPhones, and I'm not criticizing. I'm not a parent, so I don't know. But it's so normal that when you see a kid without an iPad or an iPhone, you're like, what is the fuck is he doing? Was he thinking and coloring and talking?

Yeah. Who's this mutant?

Who's this fucking mutant?

Something must be wrong with him. Right.

You're like, what's going on with that kid? But it's become the norm. So I think the future of tech, it would be abnormal to make decisions. It will be gone, and it'll become so custom for your life to wake up and, Good morning, Theo, today, and on your bathroom mirror, what you have to do. Not what you want. You don't get to want. You have to do all this shit.

Right. These are the things you have to take care of.

You must do this. This is your day.

That will be built in your car, and your car will know your toilet. Your car will be like, your shit was bad. More water?

Just make you suck. Time to jerk off just in my hand. No, wait a minute. You must come.

Okay. That's the commercial. Yeah. You can't go to work until you get a colonoscopy. It'll just be stuff like that. In your car.

It'll just be in your car. Please bend over. Performing colonoscopy.

You're on the seat. You're on the seat. You're like... Your seat will be able to tell us through a fart or something if you're going to lie to your wife that night.

Smelling your fart. What did you eat for lunch? I had a salad, it tells your wife. He had a burger, a Double Double. Ron. You fucking liar.

Well, dude, I mean, everything's just getting bizarre, dude.

The only way to get away from it, the only way to get away from it-Okay, I want to hear this.

When Benjamin got away from it.

What do you mean? Oh, get away from tech?

I mean, he lives out.

But he lives on the internet still. So that's the irony of that. He does live on the land or whatever, but the only real way to get away from it is truly isolate, genuinely, and not ingest anything, not participate in any of it. Have you ever seen that woman that lives way out in the Arctic Tundra, and she lives alone, and she refuels planes for...

But she lived in- I bet she She's got a hard patsy on her.

Oh, brother. She lives way out in the middle of nowhere, and she's this... She lives completely isolated. Oh, a Life Below Zero. Sorry, that's what it's. Sue. Sue from Life Below Zero. Yeah, way out in Alaska, way Northern Alaska. She's alone, bro, and there is nobody in sight.

She's a pretty lady.

But this is truly... Until the cameras got there, she's disconnected. She lives off the clothes that either she makes or that are given to her. She lives off her own energy and power. She makes her own food. This would be the only way. Truly, you could dig a well, disconnect.

At their huffing gasoline, too.

That's what I'd be doing. Once in a while, you need a bump. The evenings get lonely. You do want to huff a little gas.

I wouldn't want to you do out there. I hate doing cocaine and being very cold.

You want to be hot when you're doing flow.

Being freezing cold and doing cocaine.

She's huffing a little bit of gas just to give her something to think about at night.

Dude, but that would be crazy if they had a new Bravo show out there. It's cold, bitches. Oh, it's cold, but these chicks are still bitches. Steaming hot.

But they're still piping hot. What the fuck do you want? Fire.

Polar bear's fucking You want to refuel?

Loser. I like when she talks shit to me, if I'm being honest. Mike Rose presenting the whole thing.

Salmon again. It's fucking bitches. No matter how cold the temperature drops.

Andy Cohen and Bravo presents Cold Bitches.

I'm a bitch. That's the tagline of the show. Dude, it's fucking-Who is the iciest It's a competition.

Honestly, that's the only way. And that's not us. I'm never going to be able to live off the land. I'm not the- You don't think? I'm a dependent, dude. I'm a dependent. Have you ever caught and cleaned something? Have you ever cleaned an animal? Have you ever killed and cleaned an animal?

Steve Rinella said he'll take me and teach me how to do some stuff like that.

Brother, it is daunting.

Dude, my brother put on Facebook, if any people have... He just moved into an area in Utah. He put on Facebook, If anybody sees any erroneous squirrels in their area or raccoons, call me or doves, and I'll come over and pop them off. Dude, he was fucking in a small town. He had just gotten there because he was just getting into trapping and shit like that. You would fucking set a trap at this at the end of somebody's fucking ditch or whatever. It was crazy. He was not out in the woods. He was doing this shit in town, dude.

Just in Salt Lake City. It was fucking crazy, dude.

The church called him in. Shit was pretty bad for a bit, but he evened it out. But he learned how to... He'll make fresh coon over there. If we go over there to eat, he'll make Yeah, just a pot of squirrel meat. He's into it now.

Are you cleaning something? My grandmother used to do that in North Carolina. My grandmother, my nanny, they would have chickens. They had all sorts of animals, but she would kill, clean, and cook herself. Doing it or even being around it, I'm not up for it. I think it's hard to do, man. I'm thankful for farmers and people that do that for us because good God, I've been around like, deer is getting cut up after I went deer hunting when I was a kid I was like, damn, I couldn't do that. I just don't know if I could... You would have to at some point for survival, but it takes a lot and it takes a disconnect. You get comfortable with death. You get comfortable with the idea that this is a mutual agreement between you, the land, and the animals, and all this stuff. But I don't think I could ever get to a point when I could disconnect and not... I like people too much to be isolated. I'm a little social squirrel. When I talk about I've taken big chunks off from drinking and stuff, and we have alcohol at my house, but I don't know.

I couldn't tell you the last time I drank a beer at my house without friends or family around. My wife and I will never... If we cook dinner, we're not having a glass of wine like people do with dinner.

Did you do so for October?

No, I'll just take chunks of time. I'll just pick a time. It will hit me and I'll go, I'm going to take some time down, and I'll just take a bunch of time down and just change my perspective on stuff. Then I'll go out with a bunch of and maybe want to have a drink, and then maybe I'll stop again for another couple of weeks or whatever. But I did find that even if it's at my house right there, I'm not interested. I only really enjoy those activities when I'm with other people because I love the social aspect. To me, it's more like, Can we go out together? Let's go get a nice dinner. I went to a nice dinner last night with my business manager. Did you? With my business manager, a suite, both of them. I like that communal... That's the Irish in me for sure. That's like, sit around, have a cocktail, tell a story, have a laugh, joke. You know what I mean? Talk shit.

Irish, yeah. There's nothing better. I mean, that's the purity of life, I think. Community. Yeah. Just being around your friends, dude, that's been the toughest thing sometimes for me about my friends, most of them are married and stuff. And so sometimes people are like, dude, I'll hang out with younger folks sometimes. But it's like, there's nobody else, dude. It's like everybody's married. With kids, too. With kids. And so they have families or whatever. So it's like, yeah, sometimes you just get You just find people that are still available. I'm not complaining about it, but it's just like... Or maybe I am complaining about it. No, you're not. But it's definitely different, I think. But anyway, dude, the greatest thing is just fucking being around people. I'll go hang out, like sometimes around the Vanner Boat football team. Dude, because it's young, dude, everybody's having a good time. The vibes are up, and it's just fun. It's like, Oh, this is fun, dude. I'll go sit over at the players There's cafeteria and have lunch over there sometimes with the guys. That's great. Dude, we fucking sit there and clown for an hour, bro. I mean, just everybody clowning, dying laughing.

It's the greatest thing. There's nothing better than being around some... It's even like guys that work in blue collar jobs, just that lunch break where you get to sit around and fucking laugh, talk shit. Even if it's the same shit you talked yesterday, it's just those moments.

Community matters. I think it's really hard to alone. By the way, you're not complaining. I have the opposite effect. So since we don't have kids and we're in our 40s, most of my friends that are married do have kids, so it's difficult to hang out with them. I found that more and more as a hiccup of life. But so a lot of our friends now are in their late 50s because their kids are already grown. So they're out of high school, they're off in college or whatever. So they're empty nesters again. So then we hang out with them. So I find myself hanging out with older now couples because their kids are already grown. Versus my My closest friends now, they all have babies or four or five year olds, and it's great to see them, but it's really hard because their balance is so difficult. I don't judge it because I get how hard it is. I know that's hard for them to go, Dude, we got one on the way and this one is this. A lot of our friends, we took a vacation with another couple, and their child has grown. It's great.

Now, it's just couples again. Do you know what I mean? Like the old days. I do have thoughts about it sometimes where I'm like, it is very interesting how that is my section of friends now is much older than us, only because all my friends, they're occupied with soccer and getting these kids on their schedule. So it's hard, But it's hard to see... It's hard to... I'm trying to... It's hard that you lose your friends, quote unquote, for a couple of years when they're going through this growing times with their kids. That's been the hardest thing for me growing up is now being in my 40s, not spending as much time people that I wanted to spend time with. It's really hard.

Yeah, it is a bummer. They're busy and they can do about it. And they need to be busy. They're being a parent or they're taking care of their family and stuff like that. It's even tough when it's spending time with your own parents and stuff or step families and stuff because it's a time where your life is like you're working a lot. And not that you can't make time, but it's like, I don't know.

It is harder to make time. I'm going home. I go home to Chicago now. I'm trying to go home at least Every month, at least once a month. That's my goal. Really? That's great. Yeah. I think I just want to make more time. As my parents have gotten older, it's more important to me than ever. A lot of personal reasons just because of my connection to my family. They're getting a little bit older, so life hits a little bit. I think that happens in your 40s. You start to see your family. You start to see it. Then I started to dedicate it. If I'm anywhere near the Midwest or I'm going east, I'm almost always going to go home.

You're popping in.

I have to. I feel like it's not I have to, I want to. I just mean I've dedicated it to myself to be like, go home, go see mom, go see dad, go see my childhood friends that are living at home. Oh, yeah.

You've always been close to your guys.

Yeah. I got a friend literally landing today. Who comes in to my house today. I'm excited as shit. I just think you try to really covet these relationships, and it's really hard because you get busy, and no one talks about that. And it really does get hard. You still love these people as much as you ever did. But Life gets in the way of friendship sometimes because they get busy.

And their patterns change and their responsibility is like somebody wants to have a family, and so they get a wife and they start to have a family and stuff. It's like there's not not room for you in there, but it's a tough room. You have to get it where you can.

You got to sneak in where you can.

That person's objectives are different at the time.

It's even harder if you don't like the spouse. Oh, yeah. I'm lucky. I don't have really any relationships where I don't get on with my friend's spouse or partner.

That's got to be the worst.

But my wife... Oh, there's cold bitches. Andy Cohen produced cold bitches.

Oh, Laura Loomers in it.

Is that the girl from the office, the blonde girl? Is that Angela from the offices on it? Who's the girl on the right? Is that Ila Fisher?

This is a real show?

No, dude. Ai did what we said. Oh my God, dude. That's insane.

I'm looking at these things.

That's Anna Kendrick on the far right. Sorry, that's who that is. Who's on the far left?

That's Kira Sultanavich, isn't it?

That is Kira. She's not a cold bitch, though. No, she's not. She's the shit. I love her.

But I could see her casting them in just for that.

Well, none of these women are. We just say who they look like. For humor, yeah. Yeah, who they look. I love Kira, by the way. She's so fucking funny.

Dude, one thing I have to do feel bad about the one where we were taping the special, it just got... It was just some moments where it was like, We got to figure this out. Bonnie McFarlane came, and she was just... So fucking funny. She was on the show. She's great. I don't know if I'd ever met her, actually. I know Rich, but I just had never met Bonnie. We all know Rich. But she had to go back out after she'd already done a set, dude. She was like a saving Grace of that. I got to text her and thank her.

She's an incredible comedian. Honestly, one of those people where you're like, this sounds disrespectful, but I mean in the nicest way. I would hope that she was so much more famous because she's successful, but I feel like the world should know her because she's so fucking funny. Some people are so good that you're like, everyone should know you. It's creepy that you're successful, but the world should know how good you are. That happens in comedy a lot where you're like, how does not everyone know who this person is? They're so fucking funny.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. It's unbelievable.

It's a pattern of the world of comedy, though. It's very difficult whenever someone's like, Why this thing? Not that thing? I can't tell you. Some things are a shoe-in, right? When I first met Shane, that was a shoe-in. I knew for a fact Shane was going to be very… You know what I mean? No, this is look. Oh, yeah. This one? I just knew when I met Shane. That's so perfect. I knew when I met Shane, you were like, Well, everyone's going to know Shane.

Yeah. Some of his looks just encapsulate. It's not a generate, but it's so encapsulating. A mood.

Yes. A mood that people relate to. Yeah.

Such a specific mood. He's got a couple of- Dude.

Yeah, he's one of the best. I mean, he's a once in a generational talent. But some people you know are going to... But other people, you're like, How come that person is not as... They're so funny. They're so I don't know. I think it's unexplainable.

Yeah, I was so grateful that she even came and was on the show. But I got to message her and just- Show her some love.

Yeah.

I just took it. After everything, I was just like, This is just too... It just was all a lot. I just I need some time to just decompress at home and just do some things that I like doing.

Do you have a hobby that takes you away from all the shit?

I've been going to SEC football almost every weekend in different cities.

But do you have a hobby that you can do alone that takes you away from everything?

Yeah, I like to do yoga. I like to work out at home, just go on a recovery meeting, things like that. Those are fun things. I would like to maybe get a new hobby. I think if I get a new house, I could get a dog or something like that. That's a good hobby. So that would be great to have, even just to have that.

That's a great responsibility.

I was just thinking about this. How was the comedy festival you guys went to? Was it good?

Riyadh? Yeah. Wild, dude. It was crazy. Well, the backlash on the internet was even more insane. It was insane.

That's It didn't seem ridiculous to me, though. Well, dude, there's- Did you feel like it was?

Everyone is a walking contradiction, and there's a million miles of hypocrisy in people's arguments. The fact that the community was attacking each other was very strange to me. But overall, My feeling about it was Jimmy Carr said something that I thought was a powerful statement. He said, I don't always tend to look at where a country has been because they're all flawed, but I'd like to see where they're going. And he says, I'd like to think that where they're going is an attempt at progress and future and growth. People may disagree with it, but when we went over there looking at the faces of 27, 28-year-old kids that my own American ignorance, I was like, Well, they're going to be riding on camels and they're all wearing cover-ups. They were dressed like street kids for the most part. It's 27-year-old, 28-year-old kids who were in jeans and T-shirts, and they just wanted to see us. We I met the fans afterwards, and it was a beautiful moment. I haven't dug in on the whole thing. That's awesome. Well, I haven't paid a lot of attention to it because it was a lot of noise and hate.

Yeah, I haven't delved into it. Well, it's fine. People can feel how they feel about it. That's fine. The world will keep spinning. But there's a lot of hypocrisy out there. There's a lot of hypocrisy, and a lot of people contradict. We're all walking contradictions. When you start throwing stones, just make sure that your plate's clean. Because I just feel like Something that you've said six months ago, you may disagree with today. I think at the core root of it, we forget sometimes that we're just comedians. You and I, when we do shows like this, is like, we want to have fun and make each other laugh and joke around and bring humor to this whole space. When the community begins to attack each other, I just think it's a detriment to the comedy as a whole. I don't take myself that serious unless I'm on the golf course and then I'm fucking dead serious. Are you really? No, but I I don't take myself that serious. I'm a fucking stupid clown. I'm an ASU graduate, barely made it out of high school, who went to school for communication because I was confused about what I wanted out of my life and my career.

My whole goal was to make people laugh and feel good. What comes along with success is responsibility to some degree. But the public's idea of my responsibility, and mine are two different things. Mine is to spread love and comedy and make people feel good and laugh and entertain people. Amen. Also, live my life and enjoy it as much as I can before they tell you you're not funny anymore or to get out of here. If there's anything I can do, I'm just segueing naturally, my biggest thing now is can I make people feel good and also do good? I'm doing this thing on December sixth in LA City Valley College, Southern California Special Olympics. I'm doing a It's called Ho Ho Homers. Come hit home runs off your favorite celebrities. If you're in town, I'd love to have you.

I might be in town that week.

I'd love it. December sixth is Saturday, LA City Valley College. It's for Southern California Special Olympics. And stuff like that means more to me than all the noise and the bullshit of the Internet of opinions over what a comic should or shouldn't do or whatever that world is. And that, to me, is the most important thing is like, Can I do good, feel good, uplift other people and comedians in the community? And then the rest can fuck off into space because I'm just trying to do my best, man. I mean, fucking leave me alone sometimes, my good God.

Yeah. And the media is just so dumb. All they care, it's just about creating controversy. It's funny. I didn't think anything of it. I've got asked to go to Qatar again in a few weeks, and I think I'm going to go over there. I had a great time when I was there. Last time, it was so cool to see a lot of the guys there that it's a Muslim country. A lot of the guys we're talking to, at first, you see their outfits. Bring up the picture of us. But then you talk to them, the guy's like, Oh, I fucking went to Oregon. I went to University of Oregon, GoDuck. We think all these people live in sand castles and they're fucking... You know what I'm saying?

There you are. We're in the garb. Also, that was another thing we asked if that was disrespectful if we were, and the guys wanted to give us one. They were like, Oh, no.

It was so cool to have.

I still have mine at home. They were very nice. Also, I was writing jokes about it because I was like, I don't know if I'll ever joke about it. But I think it was funny when someone's like, They're all terrorists. And you're like, 8 million people in Riyadh? All of them are terrorists? What are you talking about? And they go, well, they did 9/11. They're like, I thought we said we did 9/11. I thought, remember when you guys were all like, We did it? I thought they said we did it.

I just think there's-We all know who did it.

I think there's a lot of walking contradictions. Oh, 100%. It's hard for me to It's hard for anyone to yell so loud about something to me because I go, Well, nothing is perfect. But if you're trying, if your intentions are right, if your intentions are good, I do believe there's hope for growth, and people are allowed to be mad about it. I What I didn't like, what I don't like is in the community, stabbing and going after other people in the community, because I just think it's an odd move. I don't understand it. Go off. If that's how you want to live your life, enjoy the drama. But I'm going to room. I just don't give a fuck about your judgmental opinion because you yourself are not on high. Are you tweeting your hate at me from a phone that was mined from lithium by people that were trapped? What are you talking about? Who made Where'd you get gas? Who made your clothes? Unless you are Sioux in Alaska and you live off of yourself in the land, you don't have a lot of room to talk. You really don't. I'm sorry. I just think- None of us, in a lot of ways, you're right.

There's so much hypocrisy, man. I think we were committing hypocrisy without even realizing it sometimes.

Yeah, we are walking contradictions. The human condition is to be a walking contradiction. Brother, when I was a kid, I remember feeling like, in no world do I feel like I want to get married. I was like, I don't want to get married or have a family. I pined for that now as an adult. I wanted to have a family. We couldn't have a family. That changed my perspective. I remember being in college, being like, I don't think I'm ever doing that shit.

That's stupid.

I hated that shit. That's foolish. That's not for me. I want to be a comic. That's all I need is this and this and this. And your views change, your goals change, your affiliations change, your friendships change. You keep changing. When they wrote in your yearbook, never change. That was the worst advice anybody could ever fucking give you. You should change a lot, and you should keep growing and changing. I mean, fuck, man.

If you're still sitting there playing pencil break and fucking eating your buddy's boogers so you can have money to buy candy at lunch, dude, then you're a sick fucking dude.

Please change. You can't play paper football forever. It is fun, but my God, I was nasty at that shit.

But this was the rule, dude?

Right, this.

So fucking dumb. Meanwhile, you're supposed to be learning in the years later. You're like, Why am I dumb? But, dude, you're right, dude. The infighting amongst comedians I didn't understand. People sent me there was a clip from Marc Maron where he said something about me in his comedy special. Yeah. And it was like, Theo would interview Hitler. I'm like, Well, it's crazy that you say that.

Well, he's dead, first of all. You can't.

Well, also, the Nelk boys just interviewed him. What are we even talking about?

What are we talking about? Well, I think the other side of the Maron coin Which Mark loves to start shit. That's like his whole thing.

He loves this right here. I shouldn't even have brought it up.

We shouldn't even say, Yeah, we don't have to. But he loves to start shit. That's a part of his discourse is talking shit. A piece of me knows when we talk shit about people we love, we joke around about each other. There's love behind it. I don't know if there's love behind with you and him. I don't know your relationship. The internet seems to know. They think they know fucking everyone's relationship, which is even more mind boggling. But I do think- Yeah, it's always been fine. I always I always think if you joke about somebody, if it's funny and it's in jest, it's obvious. If it's not, it tends to be a little bit more obvious. I don't understand that approach. I don't get it. But I also know we can all touch a lot of bases, in the sense of, I've known Mark for a long time. He fucking annoys the shit out of me. It's like in the comedy buddy space, I have a lot of guys that you get on with sometimes, you fall out, then you get on, and then you get pissed off it, and then they do these things.

But we're all in this co-worker space. I do think there's no necessary need to go after other people. I don't get it. But a lot of times, it's not my war to fight or our wars to fight. So I let people go do it. People shoot at us, and I'm like, whatever, man. I'm just going to still make dumb fucking comedy for my fans until I'm dead or until they tell me to go away. I'm just going to have tried. I'm trying to have the most fun I can with my stupid little doubling in our little studio until they tell us to go away. I don't give a fuck about the drama. I mean, the drama is such like, grow up, give me a fucking break. But you're right. You don't deserve to be attacked in a special. That's very strange. I think even Mark would admit. Someone I've known for a long time, not been close to, but we've known him because of the store. Someone who I think he himself would admit, I would hope, that wasn't the best move to put you in a special. I mean, why? You know what I mean?

Sometimes I write jokes about my dad, and I'm like, Why did I put that in a special? You know what I mean? A friend or a colleague, for that matter, because you're probably not friends, but I just don't know. I don't know if it's necessary.

Maybe he just meant it as something funny.

Well, look, yeah, the core of it was probably him trying to write a joke about it, but I don't think you're close enough for that to have that Or maybe to say, Hey, what do you think about this? That would have been great. If you say to somebody, Hey, man, are you cool with me doing this joke? Or I'm just letting you know I'm doing this joke.

But the media also likes to fucking make shit. It's like, Yeah, our country is complicit in so much shit. One thing that I thought was going to a Muslim country, they have their rules. They have their way of life. It's not my way of life. It's their rules. I don't know what it's like to grow up there and to live there. I don't know what pros and cons are of having such staunch beliefs or sticking to such doctrines and stuff like that. I don't know. I can go and look and see. But for me to say that you're a country needs to be just like our country, which has been complicit in a lot of fucked up stuff.

The most fucked up shit.

Not the people, but the government. The government, right? Who the fuck am I to go say? You know what I'm saying? It's really hard for me to be like, You guys need to be more like us, when it's like, Well, look at all the fucking bullshit that we're being- Shoehorned into. Right. That's a perfect statement that we're being shoehorned into. Well, here's the argument. And also, we don't know what the fuck we're talking about. So if you disagree with us, that's fine, dude.

That's fine, too. I don't care. Well, that's what people say. They go, Well, you didn't get paid by the people that got paid by the government. I said, Well, yeah, promoters and companies bring people in all the time. That's how the globe works as far as entertainment goes. People can't produce a show. Someone has to do it. I think the idea was, let's bring Western entertainment here, not in an effort to avoid some of the bad shit that's happened, but more to try to change culture to grow. I'm hoping that was my hope for it. People were like, Just say it was about money. It's like, Yeah, dude, we perform for money and to bring comedy to people. These two things can coexist. The idea that someone's like, Just say it's all about money. No, dude. It's also about the idea that this is an enticing new world. It's like, Shit, dude, I've never performed overseas. I've literally never performed anywhere outside. We did London and Dublin. I've never done any other country outside of North America. Wow. Yeah, and that was fucking wild.

For sure, especially all you guys and girls, all these comedians going over there at one time. Kind of wild, man. It must have felt otherworldly.

It did. I mean, it literally was. It felt like it was in I was like, this feels so out of my own element.

You get any of that-Lebanese food?

You better believe it. No.

You get any of that Saudi Arabian cocaine of it?

No, man.

Or a little bit of that nose sand?

No, I got a wicked eye infection instead. I got fucking sand in my eyeball and then fucking... You know what I think at the end of the day?

You need a colonoscopy. You're like, this thing's fucking-In my car. Just because you got sand in your eye, you're like, this thing's fucked, dude. My buttle is dilated now because the fuse is broken or whatever. It's fucking just like, dude. All you did was brush your teeth and it's like, you're a homosexual or whatever. You're like, what the fuck? We're taking you to church. You have the Baptist set up. We're taking you to church.

It tells my whole family. It sends them all text message. It's Andrew's gay, Andrew's gay, Andrew's gay. What? Oh, my God. No. My Jeep did that.

It just took a thick shit early this morning. That thing's fucking overreacting.

Shut it down.

Dude, is the government still shut down?

Yeah, is that still shut down? Because I have to fly in a day or two, and I'm a little worried about it.

Pull it up on perplexity. Is the government still shut down?

Dude, That's how dumb I am. I don't even understand what that meant. When they said the government shut down, I was like, All of it? What do you mean? What does that even mean? They're not gathering.

The shutdown began on October first due to Congress's failure to approve a new budget, and now has lasted 22 days. Dude, I'll tell you this. Everything's privatized now anyway. Dude, have you been to the post office? Dude, I went to the post office the other day. Okay, dude, I went in there. I'm not even joking. This is true. There's two birds fighting over a fucking box, and there was a black woman that worked in there, just trying to spray them with lysol to get them out of the facility, dude. I was like, What the fuck?

Yeah, I know that post office. I've been there. What the fuck is happening? Well, they have carrier pigeons are back, so they got to keep under control a little Any government building you enter, you're like, This will be a fucking nightmare.

It's all been privatized, dude. It's over.

Yeah, it's done.

You have to realize it's just a shell for private companies now. That's all it is. I mean, look at their holding the UFC at the White House, which is going to be unreal.

In that new office that he built, the new ballroom. The new- UFC at the White House is insane.

But think about that. We're going to be on the lawn of the White House. It's becoming I'm a performance video.

Dana White is going to be inside gambling inside the White House. They'll set up a fucking table for him. Dude, I've seen those videos, this guy, betting like millions and millions of dollars. I know he's got it like that, but my God, the anxiety of just watching him bet three million bucks makes my insides drop out. Look at this, UFC 250 on the lawn.

This is going to be so crazy. I better be really nice to Joe Rogan this year.

You're going to get a ticket. Your front row, baby. Your front row. That's insane.

To commemorate the 250th anniversary of the United States, the UFC plans to hold a historic mixed martial arts event on the South lawn of the White House.

I'm not kidding when I say this. I thought you were fucking around. I thought it was an AI generation. I thought that was just a joke, but that is actually the plan to do it. What is that? It's going to be on Trump's birthday. Oh, it's going to be on his birthday. I thought it was on the fourth of July. They changed it. They couldn't get that date. Oh, it said that up there. Yeah, okay. They couldn't get fourth of July. They were booked out for the fourth of July. The White House was booked.

They're booked out. Imagine if they'd unbooked the White House. But you know what I'm saying? That's where we're at. It's all become... The post office is because everybody uses Amazon or FedEx now. That's what I'm saying. It's like the government. You take your shit to the post office.

Good luck.

They don't know where it is. You don't know where it is. It's basically a halfway house for mail.

It's a recovery for It's a fucking- That mail is on his 12th step. It's doing really good.

nick, what do you think about that when you hear about UFC at the White House? Nick's a big UFC guy.

He's big, huh? It's crazy. It's like we're living in a simulation. The fact that they just use perplexity to generate their AI images of the White House is crazy, too. It's like they don't use an artist, but it's going to be wild. You're going to go, nick.

Wait, who uses that? Perplexity does that?

They're the ones that generated that image. It's set up for TBS. It was TBS Twitter. They're right? Yeah. Those really look like AI-generated images of their mock-ups of what it's going to look like. Wow.

I mean, that's going to be un... But it's just like when I'm saying that's where we're at.

I know.

It's like everything that was governmental that meant... A lot of the things I think that had felt like a lot of purpose and texture and heightened, like something that was almost above us and untouchable is now very accessible. Maybe I'm looking at it too negatively that it's all just been commercialized.

You've said it since 2018. Everything's WW now, and UFC and WW are the same company. It's going to be at the White House. Because UFC owns WW? Yeah. Is that right? Yeah, they merged into TKO.

It's a good name. With William Morris, it's all a conglomerate.

William Morris, the agency, yeah.

This is the thing that's going to start to happen is they're going to start to create things, and I believe this already happens, they create things in stories in the news to create a story, and then they make movies and stuff about it.

It's all- It's all feeding the next story machine. Well, I mean, for Dana- It's so exciting. That's wild that it's gotten to the place now where it's this globalized. It's got to be one of the fastest, if not the fastest growing sport.

Well, because he was fearless. He said, We're going to keep this going on during the pandemic. They picked up so many... How big did their fan base grow during the pandemic? Can you look that up?

Well, because everybody else, the only one that operated, the NBA was in a bubble. They were the only ones that operated, right? I think they're the only ones that did that, the bubble thing or whatever.

And they were all Getting...

They're all getting fucked, going leaving and getting fucked up and coming back. How much UFC? Yeah. Oh, my God. 40% in 2021 alone.

Jesus. According during the COVID pandemic, with overall pay-per-view sales and sponsorships hitting record highs, they were the only show in town. Dana White's fucking, you got to respect him, man.

I mean, he's a brilliant businessman. He invested in early on. And Rogan was also there at the beginning. I remember watching that interview on ESPN with him. We watched it literally the other day in the car when he got in the argument with that boxing promoter, about the boxing promoter about the boxing being like, this will never be a beloved American sport. And Rogan kept using facts to destroy this guy's argument. And it was so true. I mean, even I remember the cage days of Tank, Abbott. Is that his name? And the San Diego and the Orange County guys.

Tito Ortiz, those guys.

Tito. And I remember thinking like, man, this is this wild sport. I didn't even know then. I didn't really think. I was like, will this become a major thing? Will this be ESPN broadcast or pay-per-view? Will this get to that level? I didn't think then it would. I didn't doubt it, but I didn't know if that was possible. You were like, It seems like a niche thing, but it's not true. American culture We love one-on-one. Yeah, that one, that guy. We love this idea.

It's like human cockfighting, in my view, or Pitbull fighting. Guys are elbowing each other to the heads. Guys are kneeing each other. They get at the leg locks and start rolling around on the ground. That's a fucking- Submission holes. Joe, you can't respond to that first, Joe. How is that human cock fighting? You know what that is? That's actual fighting. You know what boxing is? Well, boxing is a very limited form of fighting. It's a silly agreement.

Say, We hate each other. We're going to fight.

We're going to duke it out man to man, but we're only going to use our hands. That's it. But what ultimate fighting is, it's the actual sport of fighting.

It encompasses all aspects of fighting, ground game, kicking, punching, elbows, elbows, submissions, all the above.

That's why it's much more exciting.

That's why it's a much more dynamic sport.

What boxing is, is one aspect of mixed martial arts.

If we ever advertise that- It's true. It's one aspect. I mean, it's just one little aspect of the total package of what fighting in I imagine, in its original form, human to human combat, had to been all systems go. It was everything. It was wrestling, it was fighting. I mean, can you imagine the first fighting that Homo sapiens were doing, there wasn't rules. They were probably using rocks. They were probably bashing each other.

There wasn't even a referee. There wasn't a referee.

No, there was one local guy. There was one frail ginger man. He was breaking up. Guys, Please be nice. One pale ginger was the ref. Yeah, it's just impressive. It's impressive that it's grown to the scale that it's become. When Joe has taken me and I sit and watch, I'm mesmerized. I can't lie and say that I'm a huge follower of it because I don't know enough. But I do love watching it because I think it's incredible athletes doing just remarkable shit. It's amazing. It's incredible that they get to this place of this training and technical. The abilities, it's wild to fucking watch live. When you listen to heavyweights hit each other in UFC, you're like, my God, dude. The sound, I mean, you could feel it in your bones. It's nuts. Sometimes it's hard to swallow. You're like, good God, that sound fucking was terrible.

I know. They want to do it. That's the craziest thing, man. Oh, I remember in high school when you would hear about these kids watching UFC, and it was like kids who were smoking dope, and one guy's sister was like, call girling or whatever. I mean, you just hear some crazy shit, and you'd be like, Dude, we I can never go around those guys. They're getting a pay-per-view of this shit where it's like a 400-pound guy beats up a little fucking Chinese guy or whatever, or like a strong baby from Vietnam or something. They would have these crazy fucking fights. They had crazy fights. They have a blind, black guy or whatever who's just fucking super violent, and they got him fight and stuff. It was crazy. But now it's become so mainstream, but they were alive during COVID, man.

Yeah, like that fight. That's a guy that works at Autozone.

Yeah. Fighting with a guy that works at Auto Sandwich. Yeah, dude, that guy.

This was the first ever UFC fight, and the guy on the right was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. He just passed away a couple of years ago. Oh, rest in peace. Taylor Willey. I feel horrible. No, great. Thanks, nick. Now you make us feel bad. The guy's dead. You bring up a picture of a guy who's fucking dead.

I didn't know. Nick. I thought that was AI. Son of a bitch. I didn't know those were real guys. What's his name? Where was he from?

Taylor Willey. Hawaii.

Nice. I got my Hawaii shirt on today, this surfing shirt. Can you surf?.

You know what Hawaii means? Uh-uh. It's Ha-va-ha-ha. Hawaii. And ha is wind. I think, look this up because I'm going to fuck it up.

Okay, ha, va, e.

A, va, e. One is water. It's broken up. Ha is breath, life force. Va is water, and E is representing supreme or divine. It's beautiful.

Oh, it's the best.

Hawaii is fucking the best.

They crushed it, dude.

I love going out there, man. Oh, yeah. It's so funny, too, because living on the West Coast, it's like either go to New York or Hawaii, same flight time. I'm like, I think I'm going to go to the islands. Fuck. Whenever I'm like, it's the same flight time to go to New York. I was like, I'd rather go West, go out to the island, just disappear out there. Honestly, I get it. When people go retire out there and you meet some guy at a local bar or something. He's like, I moved from the state. I moved from Arkansas 28 years ago. I'm never fucking going back. I get it, dude. It's heaven on Earth out there.

We moved here. My wife's a lesbian now, but we're still together. You hear that shit?

We're still chilling. She does Coconuts. Yeah, she does coconuts.

She does her thing. I do mine.

I'm playing in a band, and it's going really well. Everybody knows me. You know everybody knows me in this little town.

This place is fucking great. You'll see somebody at night, they'll be driving a car. The headlights don't work, but they're shining out of the fucking window. It's got a mag light on the side. It's just so bootleg. But I love that, dude. It's just like it's their own place, and there's nothing like it.

It's a phenomenal spot.

Yeah, all the American things have gotten crazy. It's just like everything has changed. It's like Mount Rushmore, they're going to put a nose ring in one of the guy's fucking... It's just gotten crazy.

Washington's got blue hair now. I think.

Washington's wearing a choker. Franklin's got a fucking nose ring.

He's got tongue pierced. They're building a tongue with a pierce. They got it. Then underneath says, This shit is fire.

Even those guys, man, they wanted, during the American Revolution before it, they wanted to... They were a big part of the expansion to take over Indians land. There's always just been hypocrisy in this country.

Yeah, we live in a hypocritical world, and we can't be critical of everyone. We can try our best to do our best, but the idea that we're impervious to criticism is bullshit. We are all walking contradictions. And the better we are in admitting the fact that we don't believe everything that we used to believe, and that's a healthy perspective, the better we'll get along with changing and growing. I'm a progressive person, right? And the idea that I want people to live their ultimate freedoms. So in that right, I'm very... In a socially liberal world, I want you to be as free as you want to be. I don't give a shit what you identify as, who you want to be. It gay, straight, whatever you are. I want people to feel free to be their own human. I think the more that love resonates with people, the more comfortable we are with getting over the fact that your business is your business. I don't have time to fight with people about how they operate and live their lives. You're not harming other fucking people. I couldn't give a shit about you and your freedoms. That's the best part of the country.

You should feel free as fuck here, and other countries should follow suit. The problem is we should stop infighting. If we show the most love for our progressive culture that we just let people live the way they need to live, the world, I think, will take a note a little bit better. I love that America gets a lot of criticism, but I do think we are making waves and changes. We just don't ever get credit for it at all because we're continually fixing. A lot of places aren't updating. They're not doing the updates. We're trying. We are all trying in different ways. Some updates people don't like, and it moves fast. And then sometimes people think, Oh, well, we're regressing. But I think if your heart is in the right place to let people live their ultimate freedoms of life, whatever that may be, I think culture will continue to grow and change. It doesn't happen overnight. The world will not change overnight, and neither will the fucking United States. We're all doing our best to get there the best we can. You may not agree with all of it. I don't agree with a lot of my peers.

There's friends I have that we don't share the same opinions about stuff. That doesn't mean we're not going to be friends, and that doesn't mean we can't still get on. To say that we're all going to view things and feel the same and think the same, that's fucking insane. That's not a logical way to live.

Well, it's also just impossible. It's like if you think one race should run everything or one group, it's just that's never going to be the way it is, right?

No, it shouldn't be. My grandfather used to always say that old man thing of he doesn't talk religion and politics. He never did. He was friends with many people that had different politics and religion than he. Didn't mean he couldn't get on with them. Now there's a divisive movement of hate, separate. I think that's fucking sad shit. I think educating, talking, empathy. I think all these things help people grow and less infighting, less drama, less bullshit, less hate, less vitral because it comes from an awful place. We're spiraling into a negative, negative fucking world, man. Bad. It's weird. It's bad. I think the only way out is to do good as much as you can in your life and community, with your loved ones, your family, and your friends, and push more positive shit out to people. I mean, it sounds corny, but I mean it. Stop the bullshit, dude. All this fucking... The internet is fueling negativity.

And it's when we click on it, it's when we watch on it. It's like, yeah, Poirier says that all the time. He's like, Man, I don't watch it. If it's something like, if it's going to be gossipy, if it's going to be that stuff, don't bring it into me. I just don't want that in my world.

It doesn't need it.

Yeah. Our worlds get affected pretty easily. You don't think about it. It's just a pool of water, and it's like you put this bullshit in, and then you just fucking sit in there swimming in bullshit. Yeah.

And I don't want to swim in bullshit.

Yeah. And nobody's perfect. I'm not saying that I'm great at it or anything, or even that I do it well. But to be conscious of it, that the people that are creating things for you to see, they may not have your best interests at hand. I think the days of that being or even pure truth. Dude, one of the worst things was after the Comedy Special and people were making articles and stuff, people would find old videos of me talking about stuff on this podcast and put it out like it was new. Of course. And so then there was like emotional stuff. We've talked about a ton of stuff on this over the years. I'm a late bloomer, and I came in understanding some of my own life and thoughts and feelings a lot on this during podcasting. And fucking people, even like positive groups were like, putting shit. I was like, Why would you fucking put this? I'm getting thousands of people have sent me this thing, and you're acting like it's brand new today. This is from five years ago.

Date it. They should date it.

I don't know. It's all like... And there was a ton of nice stuff. It was all nice. All comes from a good place. But it's all fascinating.

You know what I think I've learned in the more recent years, and I mean this, is all of us, all of us are little tiny kids in a big adult shell, pretending that we know what we're doing. I don't care how How intelligent you are, how adjusted you are, how well to do you are, rich, poor, no matter where you come from. We're all little kids in this big shell, pretending that we know what we're doing. It's like a little tiny guy driving the machine, and we all think that we know what we're doing, but we're not. We're all insecure, broken little children who are just trying to pretend to be adults and figure our shit out. We're all figuring it out. It's all a lie. No one is more than one. No one has a better idea of how the world is going to work. Your opinions are as base as the next person. You're just a little kid inside of a human shell. And so I think remembering that gives me some solace that I'm like, this guy isn't better than me, isn't smarter than me, isn't whatever. We're just little kids in a big body.

That's all we are. Trying to do good if you can. And that's it. And have empathy for the idea that you don't really know somebody. You don't really know them until you know them. Yeah. Shooting at them is not going to do any good. Stop taking shots at people. It's just weird. I don't get it.

I don't know. I think recently, I've just been thinking of all the grace that God has had in my life when you think about that, dude, just All the times that something could have been bad or that he was supportive or all those things. But, yeah, man, you're right. Everybody's just hopefully trying their best. Yeah, and continue. And learning as we go. And we don't know what the fuck we're talking about also, people.

Well, we know what we're talking about. I don't know if it's right for anybody else, but I know how I feel. I know where my heart's at. I know where my soul's at. I'm imperfect people trying to just figure it out. That's it.

Are you guys done trying to have a child, do you think?

Oh, yeah. I think also our age now, we're at an age now in our 40s where I think it's like we've accepted it, so to speak. I mean, I know that's not the right word, but I'm okay with where we are now, and we'll see what the future holds in terms of what is our next adventure in life. Where do we move? Where do we go? Who do we support? I have a 54-year-old Asian boy that I take care of every day of the week, a little Korean boy. He's my child. I feel like I've adopted a lot of children that I work with in the sense that you're producers, and we have young producers, editors, and I take them under my wing. I think my children has started to become my community. If If I can help out new comics or if I can give advice or if I can lend a hand or do these charity events or something, I think that's become a little bit of my child to me. If I can do that, that's become my focus. And it may change, but I think for now, that's where I'm at.

I start thinking about that stuff. If I don't have kids, then it's okay. I'll find other ways to be of service, or you get little pieces of family from other people. Or maybe I'll just spend I'm spending that time more just with my own family that we didn't get when we were young. And that's the part that I get out of life that my spirit gets this time. And maybe there's something else next time. Maybe it just gets to remake old things, redo things that weren't close or have a new experience with some of those things. And that's the parts of love that I get out of this time. And that's okay. That's good.

You I look at it as you've ever seen that? Because you've never seen that game? It's in an arcade. You could look up a picture of it, but you put in quarters or change and they pile up and there's a thing that slides back and forth. You've seen that thing, right? I love that. Right. And the idea is like you Keep putting in money into that thing. You may never and probably never are going to get the full flush of the coins. Someone else will, though. So it's like a sociological experiment in a way, too. Like your greed could supersede. But there is something interesting about this that If you looked at it in a beautiful way, you're loading up coins for someone else to have fortune. It may not be for you. That's the story of life. I mean, seriously, it's a little cheesy, but it's almost like you're just loading up coins and doing right. It doesn't mean it's going to pay off for you, but it may pay off socially for the future, for somebody else. And isn't that dope? That's why I think doing something for other people, whether it's charity groups or lending a hand or whatever, that's my I probably won't be there to see the reward, most likely.

But that doesn't matter. It's dope that I know that someone's going to feel that because you felt success and reward, right? And so when something has blessed you with success and reward, isn't it cool to know someone else is going to get it? Whether or not you get to enjoy it, that's not the point. The point is the knowledge that it will and may happen.

Oh, yeah. There's people that have helped me along the way, and I wouldn't have had the opportunity to be in a place for success or reward. We're all just a composite of the people that have supported us. Totally. Or the composite of the love that's been shown us. Yeah. And even our outcomes are. Thanks, bro. Thank you, dude. This was fantastic. I got to come ginger. I got to come bad guys.

You got to come. Bad friends. You got to come see us. You got to come see us. I got to come bad for it. We'd love to have you back. You know that. I love to see you around. I know you're out and about and you're moving a lot, but take time for you. Do whatever you got to do to center yourself and enjoy some rest time and get away from all the bullshit for a little while. You need it.

Yeah, I do need it. I do need to make sure that I keep that a focal point. I appreciate you asking about it, man, and I appreciate you checking in. Bad Lies, Whisky Ginger, and Bad Friends.

I got them all. No Bad Lies, Whisky Ginger, Bad Friends. Go watch them all on YouTube and podcast and all that. Come see me live. Go to andresantino. Com and come see the boy doing some new dates.

We got tours coming up. Also, you got White Noise that's on Hulu.

Yes, go watch that on Hulu. Or internationally, if you don't live in the United States, you can go watch it on... I think it's on Disney Plus. They're all under the same... The Mouse House umbrella.

Were they good to work with Hulu?

Yeah. They let me figure it out. We were working it out as we went along. This is their first foray into specials with Bur and Sebastian and Gaffigan. They had a great lineup, too.

And Bobby, too, right?

Yeah. Bobby doesn't come out till next year. He doesn't film it till January, January or something like that.

That's cool. You guys are both doing it on there.

Yeah, I'm proud of the kid. We're trying to do a show with Hulu. Hopefully, they'll want to... We sold them an animated show, and we're waiting for the yes. It's amazing. It's like stories from our high school. Everyone that's a young person is a bug, and all the adults are humans. Bobby's a roly-poly, and I'm a lightning bug. It's great, man. It's this beautiful dumb friendship show about stories from our high school about how you felt like you were in, but you were out sometimes. Yeah. Bobby was using. Yeah, he was big into it. I mean, he couldn't get away from it. But he was still like this brilliant little artist who couldn't get out of his own way. So we use all these stories and put that stuff in there. It's fun. So hopefully we'll do that. Hopefully that'll come up and that'll come to fruition. But otherwise, just come see me live and watch Bad Friends and No Bad Lies and Whisky Ginger. And that's that. There he is. Look at us. Who is that?

A little bokchoi termite.

Who does that say? That's not us, but that's not our picture. I don't know why I don't know what that photo is. But yeah, we did an animated pilot that hopefully it's in the works of Hulu. Hopefully everyone will get to see it. That's my boy nick Kreis on the right who helped write it and put it together with us. And that's Bobby on the left, looking like Bobby does.

Oh, yeah. He's like the handicapped Michael Landon. Andrew Santino, thanks so much, brother.

Thank you, bro. Now, I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones. But it's going to take...