Transcript of BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2025

This is called this past weekend? Yeah. How did you come up with that? Because I just started on a Monday, to be honest. I didn't really-That's good. What about Bill Cosby? Did you ever get to meet him or not? Before he had all the problems? Is being a rapist one of the You said it like, before he got scurvy. Hey, Theo. My name is actually Theo as well. Oh, hello, Theo. Good to meet the others. Onward. I got a situation here. I've been talking to this girl for two years, and it turns out I got her pregnant. After that all happened, the word got around, and somehow it turns out that she's my first cousin. Any advice would help, and thank you so much. Wow. Dang, brother. You're going to be raising a dang lizard, homie. You can't. Wow, brother. Good golly. That's like shooting fish in a family or whatever. I don't know. I haven't looked at a chart recently. I don't know the the genetic legalities of that. But they say, don't pee or don't eat or don't piss where your family is or whatever that old saying is, dude, I feel like you've gone past that at this point.

God, that thing is going to have… You're going to need a farrier to come and put shoes on that thing. I'm just chirping you. I'm just chirping you, dude. Look, I feel you. Look, it's having a child with a cousin, I think, at the very least, it's going to need glasses. They still have prostitutes that work the streets. Do they? Yeah. Not here. They don't have to anymore, right? Where's there some good... Where are streetwalkers still in America? Can you pull that up, please? Because I've been looking. I've told my friends before, I don't get laid much. That's just a fact about me. But I told my friends, just surprise me with a hooker one day, and don't tell me it's a hooker. A male hooker? A male hooker. They exist? I'm not sure. I think that they... Yeah, definitely. I mean, there's like Italian guys, if that's what you're talking about. Gross. Some women, they say, Oh, it's so easy for a woman to get laid. They can have whoever they want. No, it's not true. There are some of us that are really hard time. Really? I know. I feel like I could name At least five or six guys that would definitely make love to you that I know firsthand.

Oh, wow. And have seen in the past two weeks. Wow. And you've got some cool pals. Yeah, but it's like, what am I I've been talking about. Is that a crazy thing to say? No, it's great to hear. Actually, that just gave me a little bit of a boost. Dude, yeah. Are you kidding me, man? I know some people that would definitely probably knock you up even. Hell, yeah. You have a decent amount of children. Yeah, a lot. Eighty-five. You have 85? Is that your goal? Yeah. That was my goal. But then also the people I've had kids with, we were all on one accord. What does that mean? We were all on one accord. I only dated women that were athletic. I'm not I'm not letting kids just to have kids. Oh, so do you have some strategy? Yeah, there was strategy behind mine. I don't care about you being a bad bitch. I don't care about you being on IG with your ass out. And no BBLs, all of that. I mean, that's fine. Whatever you need to do to feel better about yourself, I'm I'm fine with that. But I needed and only dated women that were athletic.

So my kids had a head start on that foundation of athletic ability. And I only date women that already have kids. You can take that kid off to the side and say, Hey, man. Because for me, dating a woman with no kids, they never have fucking food at home. Yeah. They always want to go out to eat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know what it's like? I don't know if you experience this, but you know what it's like to have sex with someone that has kids and wake up at 3: 00, 3: 30 in the morning, get a fucking Capri Sun? That's good. Oh, bro. That's fucking amazing. Bro, with half a mouthful of launchable, I'll make love all night. See, that's what I'm talking about. That's who I am, boy. I mean, it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson. Well, that's a dated... Who's the new hot lady? Who is it now? Oprah. No, it's Rihanna. Who do the kids like? Sydney Sweeney. Sydney Sweeney. That's a good one. Look at the tits on dickless. God. Oh, wow. Holy hachi-machi. She's like a beautiful young lady, huh? Very attractive. She just got to separate it from her husband.

Hey, you're in. That's slurping I thought about sending her a message, but I don't know what I would say. Say nice yams, bitch. Oh, yeah, that's true, dude. I think she wants that. No one talks to her like that anymore, so it'll probably turn her on. You think, Oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation. Yeah, she's got some crop circles. You want to hear some wild data on homosexuality and hormones? Okay, so years ago when I was a graduate student at Berkeley, I was part of a study, I wasn't the main author, that looked at finger length ratios and homosexual in men and women and how much testosterone was in utero. Now, I don't want anyone to freak out and just start staring at their fingers, because it has to be measured correctly. All right? If you hold up your right-hand, like I'm holding up my my right-hand. My ring finger here is a little bit longer than my pointer finger. Okay. Which one's the ring finger? Yeah. But turn it the other way around for me. Yeah, okay. So your ring finger is a little bit longer than your pointer finger. Yeah. Okay.

That is the typical heterosexual male pattern. Okay. Now, people are going to be like, This is bullshit. Listen, this has been replicated more than five times in humans. Okay. If you look at gay men, men that identify as gay, there are very few men that identify as bisexual. Well, actually. But if you look at gay men, that difference is much more pronounced, much bigger. They have a hyper male pattern. Now, it can't be due to behavior. You could say, Well, they're having sex with a lot more people. Sex increases testosterone. No, it's directly related to how much testosterone you were exposed to in utero when you were in your mommy's belly. Can you get exposed to testosterone in your mom's belly if someone ejaculates into the mom? That hasn't been looked at, but I don't think so. There's a lot to talk about. You can put that hand down. I'm going to put this one up. Ever since... How many people call me a lesbian or whatever? Because of your looks or whatever? Yes, because of my looks. It happens to me sometimes, too. Some lady the other day said, Is that a wig on your head?

But the doctor made an assumption at birth because I had one kidney in the way my face looked and assumed and told my parents that there was a high percentage chance that I was down syndrome. Yeah. What do you mean, yeah? I'll tell you this. I heard that Frederick Douglass... I heard Frederick Douglass was gay. I'll tell you, I swear. Who told you that? I've heard it from probably almost 15. Not 15 people. I've heard it from four people. Where do you go to find the people who tell you that Frederick Douglass is gay? Look, I'll tell you this. You must hang out more interesting places than I did. It wasn't white people that told me. Really? Out of the gate, I'm given a little bit more credibility. That's why he wanted to free all those men because he was having trouble meeting anybody. Is that Because everybody was at work. I'm going to talk. Jd Vance, congratulations, dude. You're standing like this, but you still flex. You keep the stomach in and you keep the abs flexed and the calves flexed, the biceps and the drys effect. That was the idea, and I was always having great joy with that.

But then you wait for the individual posing. Then you come at one after the next, you do your three minutes posing routine. What's the trick there? Is there any trick of the trade last A last minute thing you used? You would like, pinch your tits or just rub some just like molasses in your length. What was like a last minute thing people would do? Put ice under your arms or something? No, I think the key thing is just that when you go There's a note there that you're so ready that you don't shake. You get how many bodybuilders, I'm sure you've seen it. They hit a shot and then after a few seconds, they start shaking. Oh, so that's bad. For that level, it's natural when you have a Mr. Venice Beach Competition, Mr. Muscle Beach. Mr. Montgomery, Alabama. That's what it is. It's all about the seven P's. The seven P's, proper prior planning prevents pissed poor performance. In the Marines, they have that. Proper prior planning prevents pissed poor performance. Exactly. That's what it's about. It's the same there. You come prepare That's always a war of temptation in your mind. There's always going to be that there.

There's always going to be smelling zones. Oh, I'll hit it. Oh, my God. This is so strong. Bro, I can already feel a little of that. God. Let me ride. You know what the difference is, Jamie? Let me ride that little bitch. You know what the difference is? This one, I kept this on it. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I kept that on it, and then it was sealed. I was laying on my back in 69. This thing, brother. It's already going to be strong, Joe. Quiet. Don't look at me when I do it. Hit it. I didn't get enough. You didn't get enough. No, hold on. You didn't inhale. You got scared. You missed. You're right. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, you don't do that. You don't do that. You just did scared everyone. Take a break. I'm sweating. I'm sweating, too. Because of that. Sorry. How are you? Are you okay? Bro, you just changed timelines. Because of you, Justin Trudeau resigned. First, I want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting, cross-racial behaviors right here. This is a clip of a white male, let's see, that Drusky put together.

Okay. Here's the love, here's the honor. If you can't come in, then come on. I think this is a Jason Kelsi impersonation also. Look at this. Hey, she wearing them. She wearing them. She's not listening. You need to listen to your nana. Cedar Point. Hey, you lost, bro? No, I'm going to the race. What race is it? Nascar racing. You're going to Nascar? Yes, sir. Hello, bitch. He ain't lost, did he? What is this shit, dude? Sure about that? Do you think that racism happens that much, really, or this is more like in movies type shit, dude. I mean, look, dude, I live in New York, so I don't know what it's like in the south, but I know racism exists. I also know that it's kept alive by the media and the internet and all that stuff because there's so many people that make so much profit off it that you're like... But I think that's fine. I mean, Drusky doing that is just a good bit, but I should be able to then fully dress Black. Now, my question is, there was said that there was a prize where whoever I remember one, it got to say the N word one time.

Is that true or not? I heard that. Yes. Okay. I feel like everybody in their life have said the Nigger, the word. You said it, rapping a song. It's a party, bro. Everyone said it. Even Tom braided one time told me, Man, my son was asking Tell me about it. Because it's the curious thing. It's like you put power on the word. Don't say that. But words could mean whatever you want them to mean. It's all about how you take it, interpreting within yourself. Oh, yeah. If you say I'm your favorite nigga, it's like, yeah, I'm your favorite black guy. You know what I'm saying? If I say you're my nigga, that means you're my guy. You're my brother. If somebody says it to me, if a black fellow says that to me, I feel pretty good for that. You're my nigga. I fuck with you. We genuinely have a bond that I care about you. I feel like, okay. You You know what I'm saying? Let's do it. I want to buy some fucking J's. You know what I mean? I'm ready to do this. Why don't black people lease the N-word out to be said at a certain event or something?

I think there could be a lot of money in that. Is that crazy to say that? I feel like just how you use it. Sometimes-oh, I agree. I don't mean using it in a derogatory way, but say, tonight they had Angelina Jolie was paying 50 bands to say it on a live stream. That'd be cool. Because you would want to see how she said it. That's the thing. You sold tickets to it. She had slaves. She said it. Because I might be fucking a white girl be like, Yo, call me a nigger. Damn, who are these people? You don't like that? I have no idea if I like it or not. But I just think it's like, It's prerogative. Okay. You know what I mean? It's exciting. It's just like it's fucking-And will they do it sometimes? Yeah. No way. Why wouldn't they? I'll smack them on the head. I don't know. I didn't know they're doing all that. So I guess if somebody's fucking you, you can say it. That's crazy. You drink coffee, man, or no? No. Really? Yeah. I mean, you've had it. I have. Sometimes on vacation, I'll drink it recreationally.

It's like every once in a while. Just like a celebration. Really? Yeah, no. I just hate anything that messes. I don't like any chemicals or anything like that. People, a lot of times, there's guys who are like... Elon Musk is probably a socially awkward guy, and I would say that. I think it's- It's okay. Yeah. We all are. Right. We all are, right? I think we all are. It's interesting that there's probably people have... I mean, have you ever felt socially awkward over your years? No, I'm really smooth. Okay. I don't know. No, obviously. Yes. Yeah, I'm the most awkward person. People have been calling me a robot online for 20 years. It does wonders for my confidence. No, your confidence cannot be impaled, I don't think. That's one thing you have that's probably a sheer North Star inside of you. It's got to be... Well, I guess... You might have become bulletproof. I think there's times where, yeah, you seem like a guy who probably I don't know if you watched a video of how to be a guy on YouTube or something, but I think we all go through. We're all awkward in different ways.

You put you in certain environments, and you're not at all. But I think it's interesting that there's- I haven't found those environments yet, but maybe Deep. Dude, even being here today, bro, is nice of you. What's one of your fears? What's a fear you have of AI? If you have a fearful space that it could go? I know you mentioned a little bit. This morning, I was testing our new model and I got a question. I got emailed a question that I didn't quite understand. I put it in the model, this GPT-5, and it answered it perfectly. I really sat back in my chair and I was just like, Oh, man, here it is, moment. There's a lot of people that talk to ChatGPT all day long. There are these new AI companions that people talk to like they would a girlfriend or a boyfriend. We were talking earlier about how it's probably not been good for kids to grow up on the dopamine hit of scrolling TikTok or whatever. How do you keep AI from having that same effect, that negative effect that social media really has had? I'm I'm scared of that. I don't have an answer yet.

I don't think we know quite the ways in which it's going to have this negative impacts, but I feel for sure it's going to have some, and we'll have to... I hope we can learn to mitigate it quickly. Can Can AIs, can they pull up pornography and stuff like that, too, or no? Sure. Oh, my God. God, I didn't know that. I brought you a present today. Did you really? Yeah. I always like to share new products that I useful in my life, and this is a dick laser. Oh, damn. What it is, is it's like a laser pointer that is a dick, that projects dicks. Oh, really? Yeah. So if anyone's running their mouth too much in here, look at your shoe. Look what I put on your shoe right there. Whoa, that's cool. That's pure cock, huh? It's pure cock. There's some variable settings on there, too, I think, where you can change what nasty stuff you put. That's That's the PG end right there. That's just your light. The other end is where you get the dick right there. So this is where you find a suspect like that. Yeah, and then the other one is where you embarrass him.

Wow, dude. Thank you, bro. Yeah, you're welcome. I think you could use that. Anytime No one's talking too much in here, you just throw one of those across their forehead and it will shut them up fast. You know who I saw yesterday speaking on social media? The Rizler. You ever seen this kid? I've seen the Rizler, yeah. Dude, I met him in person. Yes. I'm having dinner, right? I was having dinner. I look over, and it's a kid, and you don't want to look for too long because it's just not something you do. And look at him. Look at him, dude. Oh, and you got a pic with him, too. I love it, man. I was so excited. But it's weird because you don't want to be like, I'm talking to a kid or whatever. But definitely, dude, I'll say this. Where were you guys at? Is that Craig's? I went to Craig's dinner. The Ritzler is just hanging out of Craig's. It blew my mind. There was some guy in there who had overdosed on AIDS or something, some super old guy He was like, I'm a producer. He was like, I produced the Mayflower or whatever.

I was like, That was a fucking boat. That was a boat in the 1800s. But anyway, this was the coolest thing that ever happened. I was so excited. And not to snitch on him or whatever. First of all, he had two Pepsis or whatever past 8: 00 PM, which I think he is. Yeah, that's late. The bedtime stories won't work anymore. They'll be up all night. Yeah, that's a little late. Some people say his grades have been suffering, and I'm like, Well… I think He's evolved past grades, right? He's never going to have to learn anything. He's just going to be able to do whatever he wants in this world, I think. Yeah, that's true. It's a lot. You got the fourth grade coming up, huh? Is that true? Yeah. Okay. How are you feeling about it? Good. I want to blow that cable so bad. You do? Yeah. All right, how about this? You answer this next question. I'll let you blow it out. Okay. What's one of your biggest fears about the fourth grade coming up? Something that you might got you maybe a little bit nervous. I don't know. I'm not very nervous.

I'm not sure. Really? Yeah. All right. Deal. Yes. Yeah, you got to get on top of that bad boy. There we go. Look at that smoke. Tell me about it, brother. Hit some over here. I'm going to call my sponsor, brother. Good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, brother. God, I'll freaking light up a whole freaking couple of pounds of that. Now it smells even better in here. It does. I love that. It's like a birthday. It's like when you get a birthday cake and get to blow it out. Yeah. That's the best, man. Why is he in my pocket? He has gloves in my pocket. Are they really? Let me see him. What is he, is he for crime or whatever? I guess so. You I guess so. I don't know. Oh, yeah. I guess I'm a detective. Oh, yeah. I'm a detective now. Check this for fingerprints. Yeah, I like that. Blm, homie. This is dope. I like that. Yeah. Dude, what if you do the dark wrist? Fingerprint. No. Whose is that? An elf? I don't know. Probably an elf. Yeah, probably just some local scoundrel. Dude, you ever do this in a glove?

What's that like? That's really It's a black tie affair. They smell pretty good. What's one of your favorite smells, you think? Sharpies. Brother. Let's light that candle again. Do you think the Bill Belichick thing has adjusted the dating, the way that dating is looked? Because it's a big... He opened the portal. The portal is open for older men. Yeah, my parents have a big difference, too. I mean, this is a huge difference. I don't know how many years difference is it. I also changed my, probably 50 years, bro. No. Raleigh Mell, how many years difference? 24 and 74, I believe. That's 50. No. Bro, that is 50, man. I just crunch the numbers. I don't know if those are the actual ages, but that is 50. What do you say to people who say that's 50, Dude. But the only thing is I change my opinions a lot. So if this could be out of date, I'll change my opinion on this tomorrow. Dude, all I'm saying is the portal is open for old men and young women. The portal is open now. And It's probably easier than ever to meet them. There's so many apps and stuff where you can...

And girls seem to be really attracted to guys who have money and guys who are successful, and they don't seem to care about looks. And it doesn't seem like they care about age as much. Is that true? Is that crazy to say? People look younger than ever. What age difference are they? Can you just fucking tell me a number? Sorry, Raleigh, but damn. You fucking have a computer you're working with. Never mind. No, Jesus Christ. Just stick to coming, dude. Stick to coming. My on and off again, girlfriend, she's only 25. She's in Colombia. January seventh, off of this year, how she hit me with a pot of fettucini noodles that I was boiling. I'm frying some chicken parmajian, making fettucini noodles and making the vegetables. And then when I was moving out of the kitchen, she began looking at the stuff on the stove, and I was hoping that she did not grab the chicken parmajian with the vegetable oil in it. And instead, she grabbed a pot with my fettucini, and I said to her, Don't do it. If you do it, you're going to go to jail. And then she picked it up.

And as I turned to run, I felt it hit me. And when it hit me, I ran out of my door and I was screaming, You really burnt me. And then my dog Snowy started trying to attack her then. How did that feel when that first hit you, man? When that Chini hit you, bro, what it is? It stung. It stung something fierce. I screamed, The shit stinks. And I ran out my door and I said to her, You burnt me. There you are right now, and that's it. Damn, look at this shit here. You look like a model in one of those fashion shows or something. And what my friend said to me was-This is like some BCBR G-Maxes area, bro. You look like a damn Blackstranot, bro. They got you fucking look like you're going to space right there. I'll show my wife's penis if you want to miss you wouldn't care. You're right. She wouldn't care. Oh, dude, maybe just do a drawing of it for me. Okay, all right. You think? Just show it. I'll go like this a little. All right. I won't show it on camera just because-No, just show it to me.

I don't want to see all of it at once. Oh, yeah. I can't show it all on camera because she's a lady. She wouldn't care for that. No lady wants their penis shown completely on camera. Oh, for sure. Dude, I don't even want to fucking look at it. I won't show it to you if you don't want to look at it. No, I'm okay. Let me see here. Hold on. I won't just hit you with it. Yeah, it's no surprise. You don't be like... Let me find an acceptable photo that she would be proud of. Okay. No, she wouldn't like that. That's a video. I'll find one for you. Yeah, take your time. I'm going to think about something else for a minute. All right. You want to see? Yeah, hold on. Okay. Yeah. Whoa, brother. What the heck? Oh, my God, Jim. Your wife has that? That's my lady. That's my best gal. Wow. Wow. That is a tall pussy. She's a tall lady. She's a tall lady. She's a tall lady. That thing's in 4-H, huh? Yeah. You got to spray some Roundup on that. Because back then in the UK, Nobody was doing YouTube.

It was just a weird thing for someone to do, for a stand-up to do. Other stand-ups would be like, Oh, he's just a YouTuber. That was a slur, right? Yeah, a YouTuber. Yeah, YouTuber. But- No hard R on it. Youtuber. Yeah, that's crazy, dude. Youtuber, please. Yeah, dude. Oh, have you heard that song, YouTubers can be gay, too? Yeah. Have you heard it? No. I'll watch it right. You got to hear this song. It's great. It's just like a summer bop that's really taken over, and then we'll get back to this. Hell, yeah. What a banger. This is that banger, bro. We got to remix this shit for the summer, dude. Yeah. Very hard to sing along. That's in your car. He can say this in your car. Yeah, you just say this to your friend. He's not wrong, though. They can't be gay. I support this guy. Yeah. Hey, this guy has a vote for me, bro. It needs to be said. There's too much toxic masculinity in that and-word community sometimes. You got to let the air out the tire a little. That's what I'm saying, boy. Sometimes the best seasonal is a little bit of Resist.

Yeah. Yeah. Ginger's traveling in packs is a dangerous, dangerous thing. We don't really see each other like that. When I see another red-head, there was a red-headed girl yesterday working this event that we were at, and she was like, My brother. And I said, Let's take it easy because I don't know if you're an enemy or a friend yet. A regular person I meet on the street, Hey, how are you doing? Another redhead, I go, I'd like to see the resume first before I let you into my space. Because I don't know what ginger they are. There's different levels. Really? Is there really? Oh, big time. It's almost like black people in that albino guy or whatever. You know that guy I'm talking about? That undercover black guy. Bring that guy up. Yeah. There's got to be a vetting process. Can the albino black guy, does he say the N word? Bring up a couple of albigas. Is Is that a term or not? It is now, dude. Can we say that or not? Look at that. Black albino guy with red hair. Oh, that's what the fuck is all. Bro, that is the future, dude.

Bro, take my money, bro. Whatever he's selling. I don't know if that's more me or more... If he's more red or more black. I don't know what group he'd go with. I mean, he's invited to the cookout and has to have a ring sunscreen, which is wild. That's fucking Sunlight Jackson, homie. Are you kidding me? Dude, are we going to get in trouble for saying how big is I feel? I don't know, bro. I'm going to have a little sip of Celsius because I need to pick me up. Have you ever had this before? No, not this. No. Is it good? Yeah. Yeah, it's great. I thought it was great, so it's really good. I'm going to have to try this stuff. Can you have a little bit? Yeah. No alcohol. Okay. So what does it have? It's like water? Oh, mine's cherry cola-flaved. It's like spicy stuff. It's like a little bit of ADD. This stuff actually tastes like the grapes that you squeeze out of the... Not the grapes that you eat from the store, but the Amish grapes that you can buy, the ones that you squeeze out of the... How do you call that?

The skin? Have you ever had those grapes where you just squeeze them out and you swallow them? Uh-uh. Yeah, it tastes just like this. Really? Yeah. Let's get a look at those Amish purple grapes. Yeah, that's how they look. You know how the stores, they have no seeds in them? These have a seating them. You eat in them, you just squeeze them out and then you swallow them because if you try to eat them, chew on them, you just bite into the seat and stuff. Oh, you just squeeze them out and swallow them. This actually tastes exactly like that. So it must be very natural. Yes, sir. It's the best, man. That'll definitely-It's very good. That'll definitely... That'll get you home, brother. That'll get you home. Yeah. I saw that this does have caffeine in it. Yeah, it has a little bit of caffeine. So I'll be moving around. Yeah, you'll be feeling something. Yeah. Dude, that was the best. I don't know if you're recording, but I mentioned before that that dude was awesome. You said you were in contact with him, and my question was, how? Dude, we got to I'm sending you over there to see that guy.

I would love to hang with that dude. Some things I take for granted. Oh, yeah. When he was just stoked to get in a Corvette with two chicks, and he was like, That was my whole life. I'm like, Oh. He was pretty fast, too. Yeah, he got- Press the pedal. Yeah. It made me super reflective. One, I thought he was adorable. Yeah, he's a nice kid. Yeah, nice and very honest and earnest. But I also was just like, Man, I got to stop take his shit like that for granted. I mean, I filmed episodes. We did an episode about assassins that was just a couple of miles from my home in LA. I interviewed an assassin, a guy who's paid to kill, just a couple of miles in LA. La, an undisclosed location, but in LA, not far from my house. It's insane. And so we met, and so we get there. It's at night, undisclosed place, but very close to my home. And he's waiting outside the car. And the moment I get there, you could see he's jittery and nervous and not happy. And he was there because his friend asked for this favor.

And in his case, sometimes it's easier for me to have that human connection and try to talk about how I want to understand what they do. His case, he was just not. He was like, Okay, here are the ground rules. And he said immediately, See this? First thing, he pulled out his gun. He said, Show me his gun. He's like, If this is a fucking setup, if the police shows up, I'm going to point this. I'm going to shoot you, all of you. You and your team, you're all dead. I was like, Okay. And so the rest of the interview was me being super afraid that what if police shows up? Not because I'm there, but what if a car just drives by and he's going to take his speakers away? What if some chubby cops hiding from his shift over here right off the edge of his DSW shoes or something? Exactly. So I was so scared. I was so scared. And I think it was shortest interview we've ever done. I think it last 15, 20 minutes. But also because there's the initial questions is, what do you do? How often have you done it?

Why do you do it? How do you live with yourself doing this thing. I always... The accountability questions, I always ask them. But the part that he didn't like. It wasn't actually like, do you know that you're doing harm to people? This is what you're doing is horrible. Do you feel guilty about this? The questions he didn't actually like was when I started asking him, he says, I only kill men, no women and children. And I asked him, but do you have children? And basically, obviously, I was trying to get to the point that even if the child isn't killed, their dad is killed, that's horrible and dramatic. But he's already better than Net and Yahoo, no? He was like, Don't ask me questions about my children. You're trying to get all soft on me. He was like his macho persona was getting... He didn't like that. He didn't like talking about his children? No. Because it probably made things very personal for him, maybe. Yeah. I think part of his persona being a hitman is that you can't show emotion. Right. And so I was threatening to him in the sense that I was trying to get emotion out of him, and he was not okay with it.

And he said, Is this over? And then we left. Theo, you're going to be the primary in this one, okay? You got it. The subject's name is Michael braided. He goes by Mike. Okay, sir. Hello. Hey, Mike. Yeah, who's this? This is Theo, actually. I'm here today, man. I really screwed up, didn't I think it seems like you've had a tough day. I have had a tough day, but I mean, I screwed up this time, didn't I? I think you're probably enough to answer some questions, but I think everything's going to be okay, man. How is it going to be okay? This girl's pregnant, man. I mean, how am I going to face anyone after this? Well, I think you're going to have to... Her dad's going to be pissed. Yeah, people are going to be upset. I'm not thinking I'm thinking about her dad. I'm thinking about my family. Okay, people are going to... Yeah, it's going to be, Yeah, man, it sucks. It does suck. It sucks. But here we are. Yeah. I mean, how am I going to face my son? You're My son's pretty upset right now. Yeah, he is. Of course he is.

I knocked up a 14-year-old girl. I'm a youth pastor in a church. I teach in a school. My life is over. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't just put this thing to my head and blow my brains out. Because your son's life is still around, and that's not what he needs right now. You're probably right about that. But how can I face him, man? I think you call him first. Call him and say what? What would you say in that situation? I don't know. Fuck. I don't know. I would say... I would tell him the truth. I would say I messed up. You think That's the answer? To tell him I messed up? I know I messed up. I think it's part of it. I know you know you did, but he probably doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't. Is he out there right now? Yeah. You want me to put him on? Would you? Yeah. Okay. How do you feel? How do you think you did? Was that intense? It is intense. It is intense. Fuck, it's intense. Because you're like, even if you get to that part, is he just going to tell the son goodbye?

Exactly. See, Theo, you are super wise, brother. That's exactly why we wouldn't put the son on the phone, because that's exactly what he would likely do. He would likely... And so this is why we train. This is why we train. We had some of the guy cut off his own dick and threw it on the sidewalk. Oh, for what? Because he was crazy. He was mentally ill, but we don't know any of this. So the call came in in the morning. I was on the way in. It was early in the morning. It was cold out. I remember that. Oh, yeah. I have the radio on, and I hit the dispatcher, call a car, and then start to laugh. And then she says, Disregard. We don't know what's happening. I'm driving to the station, and then a call comes in again, sending a different car because it was like the midnight shift ending. Sending a different car. Hey, can you go to this location? Someone said this is a piece of male anatomy on the sidewalk. We were all laughing. We thought it was a dildo. We thought it was a joke. That's why the dispatcher was laughing.

You just thought it was like a WMBA game or whatever. It wasn't green. Call comes in 10 minutes later, and my detective that I was working with the time looked it up on the computer to see the text of the call. What does this actually say? And then we saw that the collar was from a nearby health center, and it said, it appears to be a penis on the ground. There's blood everywhere. We're like, oh, shit, that's not fake. So we would do what we call John Stings, and we'd put ads online. Back page doesn't exist anymore, but we put them on that. So we'd all put our ads up. And then you put on at 8: 00, at 8: 30, your phone's ringing. It's crazy. 8: 30 in the morning, they're already starting to call, and we'd set up our dates for the day. We'd have a hotel room, and we'd be waiting in the hotel room, and we'd have dates set up every half an hour to show up. And were you hiding under the bed? No, no, it's hiding under the bed. I would have to open the door, and there'd be guys in the bathroom, officers in the bathroom, behind the wall.

So my trick was, I was at like 45, 46 when I was doing it, and my Adam's supposed to be 34. I didn't fucking look 34, but I open the door, I'd have my hair. You would be the girl? I was a prostitute, yeah. What? Yeah. What? So I'd have to talk to them on the phone. What were you all understaffed or something? They just shouldn't have you, also the detective. Well, no, you have to have... You're the one establishing probable cause. So if someone else is doing it and then you have to go testify in court, well, you're not the one that had the interaction with them. So what we do, we It's all right on the lot. Online, you'd put your photos and some stupid saying like what you're offering and how much a cause. It causes acronyms for everything. That's what I didn't know anything about this before I started, about GFE, which is Girlfriend Experience, which means she'll kiss you. Full service means sex and a blow job. Then there's like Russian and Greek, and there's all these stupid acronyms for everything else. They thought they were being clever by saying, Oh, I want GFE.

So they're not asking for sex. Oh, I see. By them saying, I want GFE or I want Russian, or I want this, they think they're being clever, except you can say, Well, based on my training experience, I know Russian means titty job, or whatever. And then so they call you on the phone. A titty job. Yeah, that's a Russian, by the way. I didn't know I'll take it. I mean, whatever they're getting. I mean, it is. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's okay. So you'd basically talk to them on the phone. They call you, and some of them are real nervous, obviously. You could tell them a long time or say, got right to business. And some of them want to flirt with you on the phone or whatever. Can you send pictures of your eyes or your feet. The foot fetish guys are out there big time. Then the more you do it, I don't have time for this shit. Do you want to come? Are you showing up or not? So you'd basically make the arrangement. So once they showed up, you already had probable cause. They already agreed to pay you for before they ever showed up.

Then by them showing up at the hotel, they're basically completing the elements of the crime. They showed up, they already agreed to pay you for such and such, so then you can arrest them. Right when they get there, really. Yeah. The amount of content that was being uploaded to Pornhub, if you put those videos back to back, just the amount of content they would upload in one year, it would take 169 years to watch if you put those videos back to back. That's how much content was being uploaded. Uploaded or had been uploaded A total, you mean? No, per year. Wow. Yes. That's not even counting the images. So I tested it. I found out, like I said, what millions of people already knew, and that was that all it took to upload was an email address. An 10 minutes, anybody with an iPhone anywhere in the world can upload a video, and they were not checking age. They were not checking ID to make sure that these are not children in the videos. They're not verifying consent to make sure that these are not rape or trafficking victims. And because of that, I quickly understood that PornHub was not a porn site.

It was a crime scene. It was infested with videos of real sexual crime. And then, of course, because there's the algorithm, right? They have set up the algorithm to make sure if you see one video like that, they're going to assume that you like that content. So then they're going to take you on a crazy rabbit hole. I call it just hell hole of rape. That's what it was. And then you go and they'll show you more and more of the same thing. And so then the people would upload them and then make money off of advertising on them somehow? Yes. So the ones that were making money off of this content because this is free porn, right? Free porn is not free. It is heavily monetized with ads. So they were selling 4. 6 billion ad impressions on Pornhub every single day. But that's the whole point of America is that we have standards of decency, fairness. I love that you use that word because that is the core of it. It's fairness. Justice is overused, fairness is underused. It's just a child knows what's fair. If his brother's getting three Oreo's and he's getting one that's just unfair.

He doesn't have a degree in economics. He just feels it. He knows it. The sense of fairness is innate. Dogs have it because it's part of the natural fabric. It's organic. We are a fair country, and the rich man gets the same treatment in the justice system as the poor man. It doesn't matter where you're from. You're both citizens and you're both equal because you're both created by God. That's our whole system in one sentence, and that is being eroded because the people who run our system agree with Smotrich and every other third-world dictator, these people are damned by their birth, whatever they are. That's what affirmative action is. It's like, no, I don't like the way your parents looked. You don't get the job. What? That's what we hated about the Nazis, what we hated about segregation, which I want to say was Segregation was evil. Why? Because it punished some people and rewarded others on the basis of things they couldn't control, their skin color. Yeah, and we'd had mixed babies a lot sooner, too, which are pretty cute, a lot of them. The Epstein thing, I've never understood what the justification for keeping that information secret.

Epstein was murdered in prison, okay? I know a lot about it. I'm not just throwing that out there. Epstein was murdered in prison. Well, they put him with a cellmate that was a crazy former police officer, right? Yeah, a former police officer killed a number of drug dealers. I'm not saying that guy did it, but I'm saying, Well, I asked Bureau of Prisons because I learned all this stuff about it because I know Epstein's brother, Mark, well. I never expected to get down in this rabbit hole at all. The guy called me a week after his brother was killed. Mark did? Yeah. I was literally sitting in my backyard in Maine, and he called me, and I don't know how he got my cell. It ended up this years long thing. It's not interesting, and I won't bore you with it, but the bottom line is Jeff Epstein was murdered in federal lockup in Manhattan in the secure unit. I think there were only 16 men on the unit, and I think only 14 there. I may have that slightly wrong, but it's very small, and it's the most secure federal lockup in the United States, and he got murdered in it.

That raises all kinds of obvious questions like, who has the power to do that? That's a big deal. Then the attorney general at the time helped cover it up. I know him, Bill Barr. I say that, and he's like, I'm going to sue you. I said, Go ahead and sue me. I hope you will. Israel is actually the exception. They are the only country that's allowed to lobby Americans. Everyone else has to register as a foreign agent under Fara. What do you mean? Like with APAC or whatever? Yeah. Apac, the backstory, by the way, before JFK got shot, he was fighting APAC. They were previously called, I'm blanking on this. You can look it up. He was literally saying, You have to register under the Foreign Act. Then APAC got lucky because he got shot and killed. And then, of course, we're not allowed to read the files, but leading up to his death, he was having arguments with the Prime Minister, Ben Gurian. And so it's like, yes, is Israel doing it legally because a President got shot? Sure. But it's wrong. A country should not be able to lobby to get what they want and control our congressmen.

And you get to see them flex that muscle like TikTok and things of nature when they are now interfering with our speech and they'll get laws passed really quickly. It allows, literally, a foreign country to make decisions in our nation. Lobbing should just not be allowed full stop. Instead, they go, Oh, we're focusing on it because they're Jewish. No, you're just the only country that's allowed to do it. I would feel the same way if China If there was a Chinese lobby that was spending- Is China allowed to do it? No, there's no other country that's allowed to do this but Israel. Only APAC. There's no other country. There's a conflict that's been happening in the Middle East. People know about it between Israel and Palestine and some of the areas over there, the Gaza area they talk about. I just think it feels to me... I don't know if I... It feels to me like it's a genocide that's happening while we're alive here in front of our lives. Sometimes I feel like I should say something. I'm not a geologist or a geographer or anything like that. So I don't know a lot of the...

Some of it I do know, though. I know the basics of the issues over there. But for me, it's just how I feel like you see all these photos of people, just children, women, people, body parts, just people putting their kids back together. And I just can't believe that we're watching that and that more isn't said about it. I'm not saying anyone else needs to say anything, but I think I'm just that more isn't said about it by me. I want to be able to speak up about that, that I think we're watching probably like one of the sickest things that's ever happened. I'm sorry if I haven't said about it, I've tried to talk about it and learn about it, but I don't know. Maybe I I just wanted to say something. I don't even know what to do. It's crazy because our country is also complicit in it. It's in it and has been for a long time. It's just interesting because then you just realize, Oh, well, I'm just a member of this country, but I'm just... What we want sometimes doesn't matter. You just have to be a member of a place, and your government is making other choices.

I don't know if I said that correctly. I don't even know exactly what I said, but it's just been making me really sick, and I feel like I just needed to say something that I think, you don't have to think that. I'm not asking you to do anything, but I just have to say that so I'm not sitting by. There's that piece inside of you. You mean like, why can you say something? There's people that can't even speak and you can say something. And so that's how I just had to just speak up. Anyway, I think maybe it's starting to make it about me there at the end. But yeah. Just praying for those people and just the grief that that is all going to cause. You notice, what are we doing? What were What situations like with children there and providing care to children? What was the realities of that? Were you able to save any, keep them from the gore? Because a lot of times there's children's hospitals, and there's hospitals, and then there's places for kids. It's a little bit different and less severe. What was that like there? There was a kid's hospital, but it wasn't the trauma hospital.

All the kids' trauma still came to Nassra Hospital. They're right next to each other. We were seeing all the kid trauma as The kid trauma was different, man. Just so difficult to see and experience. It was difficult to process, difficult to treat, difficult to talk to the family members with these children. I mean, you're seeing kids as young as one, sometimes infants, but majority of them are like young boys, young girls. Why? In the Khanunis, there's a tent city, one-third of Gaza all live in this place called Mawasi Camp. I'll send you a picture of this. It's just tents. You literally just find a plot of land, you put your tent down, and you have 20 family members living in there. Each one of those is a tent, right? It's pretty crazy looking. Yeah, it's not just you and your wife. It's you and your wife and your family and kids and in-laws. This is the new Gaza here. It's one-third of Gaza's right here. What's the vibes here, man? I know that's a crazy thing to say, it's a damn nightclub or something. They got a bouncer up front. You see kids playing on trampolines.

You see kids being kids. You see fathers, Salkin, trying to figure out what to do. You see mothers just hiding in their tents, trying to take care of the little ones. You see grandpas hanging out with other grandpas. You see what you would expect a normal life to be. And that's what it is. These people are normal civilians just living their life. I fear what's going to happen in the next generation. We're going to see some not only psychological diseases, psychiatric diseases, but also literally physical diseases that's going to come about. The more we learn about history, the more we learn about just the Well, America did these things, and some of it, 9/11 could have been the result of some of that. Just as more as you start to learn that America hasn't always been this perfect partner, it just starts to test like, Okay, well, what does it mean to be an American to me? But then at the same time, you need to be an American because you live in a country that's safe and you're able to operate here within the country. I don't know, it just makes it interesting. Does that make sense?

No, I get it. What you're exhibiting is a very normal contradiction that a lot of Americans, when faced with the reality of American foreign policy, they come to terms with this. They try to resolve this contradiction, where on the one hand, you're saying, Well, I'm an American. I like the security blanket that I exist under. But also, simultaneously, you're like, But damn, we're doing a lot of fucked up shit around the world. I mean, look, people always yell at me and say, Oh, Hassan, you only say America bad. But I don't just stop at that. I want America to be good. I think America has an incredible potential. It's the wealthiest nation on the planet. It should be doing so much more to help its own citizens and so much more to lead the way, pave the way for a new evolution of the way that we look at international relations than the way that we engage with conflict. But the reason why America is the way it is is because I see it as basically 50 corporations in a trench suit. It's a holdover to extract tax revenue from everyday Americans and then give it directly back to corporations in the form of subsidies without ever regulating them and demanding anything in return.

Lincoln, as a young lawyer, not yet 29 years old, 28 years old, addresses the young men's Lyceum in Springfield, Illinois, and they're discussing foreign policy. And he says, Whence shall we expect the approach of danger? Shall some trans-Atlantic giant step the Earth and crush us at a blow? And then he answers his own question, Never. All the armies of Europe, Asia, and Africa could not, by force, take a drink in the Ohio River or make a track in the Blue Ridge in a trial of a thousand years. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. We are a nation of free men who will live forever or die by suicide. So there's our challenge. You want to get self-involved. You want to make your neighbor your enemy. You want to make lots of them. Then you are headed towards that self-destruction that Lincoln is talking about. You want to figure out what we share They're in common, this corny civic, virtue, civic energy that comes from the Declaration of Independence, like how you can work together to do it. And a lot of people who are unbelievable citizens, it's like They go to the school board meeting.

They participate in... I live in New England, and we have a town meeting, and sometimes the biggest decision is whether to buy a new pumper for the fire department. That's a big deal. That's civics. That's dealing with the stuff. And It's also saying, I've got to vote, and I have a responsibility as a citizenship to do it, and then we'll save our country. Then if you like the abstraction of disagreement and violence and all that stuff, where suddenly, just because your feed tells you one thing that somebody's an enemy, then you're lost. But if you look across the room and you say, I don't share in common that much with somebody who comes from Louisiana and lives in Tennessee. I was born in Brooklyn and grew up in Delaware and Michigan, and now I've lived in New England for the last 54 years. What will we have in common? We share a love of those ideas. We share a love of that process, the pursuit of happiness. God. See, the thing is, man, if Trump succeeds at the reshoring effort-With the tariffs. Yeah, that's part of it. But if in general, he gets manufacturing reinvigorated in this country, then there's going to be a challenge that a lot of people aren't talking about, which is labor.

In January, there were 482,000 open positions in manufacturing in this country, 480,000 open positions. If he gets his way and this all gets reinvigorated, you're talking about two or three million new jobs. But there's no workforce sitting there going, This is what I want to do. Or prepare to do it? So there's a skills gap for sure, but there's also a will gap. Donald Trump is going down a road, and if he succeeds, he's going to create millions of manufacturing jobs in a country that currently has nearly 500,000 manufacturing jobs open because the people who run those factories can't find people who want to do the work. So it's not enough to create the jobs. And look, a lot of your listeners are probably thinking, Well, make the pay better. Make it more interesting, make it more palatable, then we can have that conversation for sure. But the bigger issue still is there's no enthusiasm for the work. We took shop class out of high school. We robbed kids of the opportunity to even see what that work even looks like. Meanwhile, we told a whole generation of kids they were screwed if they didn't get a four-year degree.

Thomas Masty, thanks for coming in, man. Absolutely. Good to see you, dude. Good to be here. Just had to cross the state border to get here. Yeah, that's what I see from Kentucky. You just took me in your camper home vehicle. It's a F-250 with a truck camper, and I lived for two solid years in it DC. Still occasionally do. Where would you park that thing at? Well, I don't want to disclose where I park, but I did get in trouble. I parked the truck camper. It's a super duty. Even though it fits in the back of a pickup, It's got a shower, bathroom, stove, and a fridge. It felt super when I was in there, that living arrangement in there. I could have definitely cozy up. It felt very cool. The milk felt cold in there. We had a little cup of milk, which is definitely raw milk. It's raw milk. Yeah, I'm sure. Hopefully. Don't tell anybody across state lines with that. It's holiday time, and that means sitting down and eating and watching loved ones eat. Sometimes it can get a little chaotic. I remember my aunt, we went to her house one year, and She'd made a cornbread dressing type of deal and had not cooked it, hadn't cooked it, forgot she hadn't cooked it, and just put it out with the other stuff, and everybody ate it.

People thought it was just a weird soup or something, and it was horrible. But that's life. Holiday meals aren't about perfect food. They're just about really getting together. Good Ranchers helps do that better than anyone. Good Ranchers is locally sourced. Of meat and poultry, the chicken nuggets that they have, the no seed oils, they do it. It's good for you. It's made right here in America. A lot of these companies say, We're made in America, and they're living a lie. But not Good Ranchers. We've checked them out, and they're as true as true can be. Good Ranchers offers an e-gift option where you can pick the exact time and date that the email arrives. What's that coming down the chimney? Oh, that's a dang email from Good Ranchers. You can use our code, Theo, to get $25 off your first order. Plus, they have a subscription model where you can keep it coming. When you do that, you'll get to pick out which one of their best selling cuts you want free in every in every order for life. That's free chicken thighs, free Wagyu burgers, or free bacon in every order for life. You pick one, Good Ranchers.

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Okay. They're trying to put it on the men a little bit more. What exactly are they going to do about this now? Well, a new bill in Ohio wouldn't make it a crime for men to ejaculate without intending to have a baby. Oh, wow. That's definitely something that I could see a lot of people probably would be guilty of for sure. Hey, shoot and shoot. Yeah, I could see that being... I don't want to get in too much personal detail, but I think I'd probably be locked up for a long time. Hey, yeah. We're going to visit Tom this weekend again. He's behind Mars. Yeah, my gosh. I thought he was going to get paroled. Plenty of time to break the law in jail, though. Yeah, that's true. $10,000 per discharge. But here's the thing. Some of it's just running around, skeding or whatever they call it. I don't know what they call it in different countries, but they're not going to have an extra 10K on them. The court system would be filled with with every kid in the world, every 14-year-old kid. Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming... I don't know how much I want to talk about this in detail with you.

No. Look, I'm going to say, you don't get pregnant on your own. I was so lucky because you used to do a little sniffies Jiffy, I heard. It is fun. There are negatives, but we always start with the positives, especially about that. If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a bus boy, I would have It's definitely gone crazy. I could not, thank God. I could do a quarter grand in a weekend. Then I could only afford 25 bucks. That was it. Even that wasn't money well spent. But don't get all excited. You're getting your boner. It is exciting. I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun. It was hard to just quit it. But I just watch and you go, no way to have a career. There's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you got to do. And people like to rat you out. And people like to say, this guy, he's a little fuckingdeej. Yeah. A little power flower now and then. So if they start getting that word out there, I luckily never got that word. I didn't do any of the whole SNL.

And that's the funniest part is that I did dabble a little bit before that just because I was in fucking showbiz. And you're from Arizona, you're from Scottsdale. Yeah. Scottsdale. Yeah. Well, it doesn't mean it wasn't really the cocaine camp of the world. But I was in the comedy biz and a couple of guys had it and I was like, I would partake just for fun, obviously. And then... Oh, yeah, brother. But one time I did a lot and I was like, Yeah. I feel like I should go to the hospital. And you'll walk over there. That's the craziest is. No, I'm fucking sprint it. No, because the funny thing is you just turn into JonBenét, one bump, and I'm like, Oh, my Yankee Doodle dandy, and I'm feeling great. And then I made my friend drive me, and I got there and he's like... And it was freezing, and I was shaking and tight. And then he goes, you got to go in there. And he goes, but they're going to ask because they didn't stand up for about a year. And they go, they're going to ask. They're going to have to call the police.

I go, no, no, no, no. Extra scared. And he cranks the heater on in the car and I'm starting to fucking sweat. But this is a good friend because he was there with me for three hours. He goes, you should go in there in a second, but just tell me more. And I was calming down. This was the trick. I didn't know this. And my heart was going from like 3000 over 2,000. Started to get back to normal, and then it got light out. And then I go, Let's go. So gross. And then I go, I'll never do it again. Four days later, Hey, dude, I'm fucking jinking. What a great guy. There's me, and they make me jump in. Oh, yeah. That's why people gravitate to you because there's nobody like you. Well, thanks, man. I feel the same about you. I feel like everybody does. And you have a statue of me at your house. So, yeah. Thank you, man. Thank you for letting them even do that statue. What was that whole deal like with them, with Michael's? That's where I got mine at, was at Michael's. Right. Yeah. It wasn't a collab or what was it?

No. No, they just robbed my image and likeness because they could. I don't have money, they're messing off, man. Because they were doing it for religious purposes. Oh, yeah. I allowed it to be. Well, thank you. We wish you a Black Christmas. Look, I'd be honored to have one. I'd be honored to have one. Yeah, man. Because when I met that guy there, he said, We got two left, man. And there was 200, and one of them was marked down because they had a chip in it. But it's still, man, it's an honor. I I keep it up in my house year round. People walk in and they're like, No way. That's Cat William right there. It is. It's beautiful, man. Thank you. Yeah. This was in Covington, Louisiana. But they had-About 13 miles from Slidel. Yeah, there you go. Wow. Map Williams in the building, baby. That's when I realized, oh-Don't let me go dirt. Everybody's everything. Dude, what about being the first gay dude ever? It must have been crazy because imagine everybody's straight, right? And you wake up or something happens, you get hit by lightning or whatever. And suddenly you're gay and you're like, Oh, my God.

You're just talking to your buddy who you've talked to every day for years, and you're just thinking like, I'm going to stuff his fucking face with some wiener, and you're like, What? And then you like, imagine that because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like, Hey, this is going to seem totally crazy to you guys, but I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever. People were like, What? Yeah, that does sound crazy. Don't tell anyone that. Don't tell anyone that. You're the only one that thinks that. The guy trying to jerk me off in the back of a bus in Vietnam. You did? Yeah. And the guy was gay? I don't fucking I don't know what their culture is. That's a big sign, usually. Dude, they're starving over there. That guy could have been ordering soup. Dude, any joke that ends in soup, Jewish people love it for some reason. I'm listening. It's a little cold. I'll eat half and send it back, but I like that joke. I'll eat half that joke and send it back. Hold on, I'm almost done. There's our hair and hair.

That's the biggest problem with Jews going bald, they can't send soup back. I was just calling to ask. Well, I'm secretly gay. Secretly gay, and I- Oh, secretly The Fella said. Let's hear more. I haven't told a lot of people, and I want to figure out how I can tell my mom. I thought I could get some advice on here. Okay, brother. Yeah, thank you for calling, dude. Congratulations on your gay ship or whatever. It's called gaydom or whatever, being gay. I mean, there's different ways you could go about it. You could do something fun. You could do this like a knock, knock, Who's there? I'm gay. That old trick or whatever. Or you could get a deck of cards. You could write, I'm a gay son on each one. Put them like that. Have her pick one out, say, Pick one out and read it. Bam, you don't even say nothing. She says it. Then you could be like, What the fuck do you mean? You could roll switch or whatever. That's reverse psychology, dude. That's crazy. Me and Big X, we almost did a song, but I don't know. I actually sent him a song, and he didn't finish it.

I don't know. That's on him. I guess I don't know what he was doing. He was in jail. Did he? I think so. For what? Not long enough. I went to jail, too, man. Yeah, he began with talking. Hey, if you're behind bars, write a couple. Yeah, I know. You're on a pretty famous tech chain with other SEC coaches. This is alleged. Yeah. Kirby Smart, Sarkisian. What are the vibes on the chain, I feel like? What is it like on there? I feel like I keep it together. I keep the group together because one will beat the other or they'll say something, and they get mad at each other. Then they won't text for a week. If you beat him, then he doesn't text for a week. Or if they're playing each other that week, they certainly are going to say anything. I'm like, Guys, by you beat him, it means when you guys beat Georgia last year, but go on, I feel it. But then I just say something that night. Hey, man, you'll probably get us next year. They don't think that's funny. Then one of them side texted me like, Hey, man, you shouldn't have said that.

Kirby's pissed off. I'm like, Dude, it's just a game. Relax. We're buddies. Do you guys vote on how another coach gets into the text chain? What is the-Yeah, there's been conversations about that. Really? I actually have a note. They may not know this. We're getting a lot of information out today. Appreciate you coming, so give you some special insight. I have multiple ones. Sometimes I'll say something, that guy is not in it, and that guy's Then this guy is in it. I make sure I know who's in them when I say certain things. Then every once in a while, I got somebody who does something, and then I move them out of the chat. No. Yeah. It's happened. Jimbo Fisher, removed from chat. Rip. Then I put them back in. Yeah. Just put them on the bench. They're like typical coaches. They don't know how to remove somebody or add somebody. It's pretty cool that I can do it, and they're like, How do you do that? Yeah. Lane is one of them tech Wizards. Yeah. Coaches are a little behind time. That's a big deal to be able to remove somebody from each other.

Like, whoa, he must really have somebody teaching him this stuff. Yeah, dude, the Scots, man, they're fascinating. They're just fascinating. I wouldn't be surprised if he was in the US or you're in a zoo and they had a couple in there somewhere. They're taking care of it. Drinking. They're healthy in there. Yelling at you. Screaming at the and stuff like that. Exactly. It sounds like us. We're singing a good... Do they have a lot of good Scottish songs and stuff? A flower of Scotland. When will we see your leg again? And fought in night for your weeper telling glim that stood against him. Prouded was our may and sent him Homeward to think again. Come on, let's go. Yeah, that's us. That's a good one that we've got. We've also got... What's your name? Ali Bale, Ali Bale be sitting On your mommy's knee. That's a good one. I don't know when it goes after that. Well, that one ends in the courts, I think. It sounds like a domestic dispute. As soon as I tell people I grew up in South Carolina, they're always like, Oh, It must have been so racist, all this stuff.

Of course, there's moments where it wasn't nice and whatever. People calling you almost inward or something like that? N-word? Not almost. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, those people are nearsighted or whatever. I feel like. I don't know. That's crazy. But there was also, I feel like there was a time I was writing something and I asked my parents to just tell me, I didn't want to write stuff about people being racist to people. I wanted to write something positive. I was like, Tell me things you remember that were experiences you had being someone. Because my parents were there in the '80s. Yeah, it was different for sure. People there didn't even know what Indian people were. They didn't see them in the culture. They didn't see nothing. They didn't understand. It looks like a Black person that they didn't finish the job on or whatever. Kind of. No judgment. Let's just make sure that quote is attributed to you. You have a new show that definitely sparked me up. It's Animals Animals on Drugs. That's right. We were texting when I was in Columbia. That's right. Yeah, it's on HBO Max as of yesterday, I think.

Oh, yeah, dude. I was just like, Dude, send me a gif from Columbia so I can snore, brother. But take me through this show, Animals on Drugs, because they had the cocaine bear. Cocaine Bear. Cocaine Bear, the movie. Cocaine Bear. Then they have, I was trying to think of some, oh, Cracoons would be good. Cracoons. How did I not think of that as a title? Come on, Cracoons. Bro, what's in my- That's a no-brainer. What's that in your recycling bin? You see a little bit of smoke coming up from the recycling bin? Yeah, the bin's vibrating. Cracoons. He's smiling. Cracoon. You went turkey hunting with Mike Wadel, I heard. Oh, yeah, I did. Yeah, I went down there. It was fun, but it's like, I don't know. Some of the turks, it's like, they just seem like an unwell bird. What do you mean? Turkeys. Unwell in what way? They just don't seem like they're like a top. I don't want to say they... I don't want to say uneducated. They just seem like they got picked last for gym. Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Really? Oh, yeah. About a turkey? Yeah.

If you look at a turkey, it just seemed like they can't do... They just are... Yeah, they just... I don't know. They weren't doing a lot. Dude, it's a big-ass bird. His head changes colors from red to white to blue. He tastes good. Yeah, he's basically the Toby Keith of turkeys. They walk around the woods making insane noises. Yeah, which- But I mean, it's an omnivore. It can eat all kinds Can eat all kinds of stuff. Okay. Well, now you're selling me on it. Yeah. What else didn't tell me all that? What else didn't tell me all that? Name a better bird. You could be, Oh, a bald eagle. He eats a bunch of rotten fish from the side. A turkey, that's America's bird, dude. Are you familiar with a gentleman named Ben Franklin? Yeah. Okay. Do you know that Franklin didn't like the bald eagle as a national bird because it was a scavenger? And he He's throughout, it's debate how honest he is, it's debate if he was trying to be a smart ass or not. Ben Franklin said, America ought to go with the wild turkey because at least it's a vain bird.

What does vain bird mean? It's beautiful. The male puffs his feathers all out. Yeah. He's got a snood. Imagine a packer laid across your face. Okay. That changes all the time. It gets erect. It goes limp. Wait, it goes limp? Turkey has that? Yeah, dude. To just come in and start disparaging a turkey right off the top of the bat, you don't know me. I'm just... Okay. I'm just saying- It's disrespectful. That That's the best bird in our country. It's so scary also to think about, I always do this too many times, to think about truly how many animals there are if all this food is being given to people. It's so scary to think about. What are you saying? How many chickens are murdered, not murdered, but killed a day? So many. I'm just trying to think about this reason. If I order an order of wings at a bar and there's 10 wings in there, does that technically mean that I'm having five chickens? Two wings of chicken? I think there are some chickens that have more than two legs. 206 million a day. Globally, probably 206 million chickens are killed for food each day.

It's a wild stat. What? It's a wild stat. Holy shit, dude. Since we started talking about this, 140,000 chickens just died. That's wild. That's the original Gaza right there, dude. That's crazy. I can't believe they're doing that. What else we got? In two separate recent WMBA games that have been plagued with a new problem. Unruly spectator is throwing sex toys onto the court. Oh, God. I saw a picture. I mean, it is wild, I guess, to... But first of all, I'd embrace it if I'm the WMBA, right? I would shoot those things out of a T-shirt, candidate, during pride month or whatever. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I mean, if things get wild and people start tuning in, that's great. It's good money. You don't want people to get hurt. I guess that's disrespectful, but it's like, yeah, turn the negative around. Yeah, let's put a positive spin on it. I mean, that lady was excited. You know what I'm saying? I'm not. I don't know if that's AI. It could be AI. I just saw a woman. They have a woman that has two kudas, actually. I saw she's on TikTok the other day.

There's a woman. Now, are you-Now, I'm talking about the anatomy. Now, I'm changing it. You want to hear a... Okay. Yeah, go. There is a woman who has two vaginas that's on TikTok. Yeah. She sent a DM the other day to me. The other day. How many DMs did she send? One for me. She's just... Dude, dude. She sent replica DMs. That's insane, bro. Can I tell you a story? Yeah. I'm at my boy's wedding, and he's from Ohio. We're at the reception now, the after-reception. We're all just hanging out in the hotel room, and the one dude's like, Yo, do you remember that girl went to high school with two vaginas? And he's like, Dude, you're talking about Sheryl? And then his other buddy's like, Yo, Double Barrel Sheryl? And I just thought that was the funniest fucking nickname I've ever heard in my life, Double Barrel Sheryl. I was like, That's got to go in some American pie type movie. Just, Double Barrel Sheryl. So as soon as he started to talk about that, I was like, Oh, I have one. Put her in a museum, dude. Apparently, she used to say, This one's for my boyfriend.

I'm saving this one for my husband. Oh. Yeah. That's beautiful. Yeah, right? Yeah. Because I would just... If I had both, Dude. You'd blow them both in the first week. Yeah, exactly. Exactly, dude. No, I'd be like, I'm saving this one for after dinner or whatever. But I would definitely, dude. Bro, are you telling me I would love a hug from somebody's grandmother? God. Those hugs are just the way you land in them. It's like being at a spa. You get a young hug from one of these young bitches. Some of them are strong and shit. They got... Some chick hug me that day. She had a couple of damn dumbbells in her hand, two barbells, three and a half pound. I was like, What the fuck is this? But you get a hug from a grandmother. She got them damn catchers mitts full of love. She got two of them bitches, baby. And their arms go right into the tits. They ain't even a difference, bro. That's just a big bicep Tit. Tit, sep, bicep, tit. That's just a damn fucking... That's a fucking love seat. She got them two arms like a damn front-end loader.

That bitch will hug you. God. It's hard to know if it would seem like you seem like a guy who likes being in Hollywood or doesn't like being in Hollywood, I guess. There's things I really like about it and things I really don't like. I wish they didn't have to be together, but they are, right? It's life. You got to take the good with the bad. Because they always get pictures of you where you seem like you're the dwarf that is the backup dwarf. You're on the side, you're smoking. What is that guy? I don't know that character. Is he pissed? I think he's a little pissed. Yeah, he's the understudy. He's the understudy dwarf. Okay. And not dwarf. You're a regular-headed guy. I shouldn't have said dwarf. I shouldn't say anything. But it was like, I don't know. It's like they only put this chronic technology out of you that makes you seem like you're bummed. Well, here's the thing. If the only time when somebody's taking a picture of me, I'm bummed because usually I'm with my kids, I'm trying to go somewhere, and then there's four guys. We're like, Oh, hey. And I'm like, Hey, man, can you give me some time?

I'm trying to be with my kids. Do you mind? You know what I mean? So the look on your face is like, and then they go, Wait, not taking the picture. You go inside and you're having a good time. But it's this selective experience of take a picture of somebody every time they're feeling irritated, they're going look irritated. Especially if you're the one irritating them. Yeah, it's like, I'll come piss you off and then take your picture and then be like, Look how pissed off he is. That's exactly what that whole system is, really. Right. And it's useful because that's why I'm sure you've seen on all the stuff. The idea is like, follow somebody around, antagonize them, and then hopefully, they'll have a nervous breakdown and go crazy on you, and then your video will be worth more money. Yeah, that whole thing gets really black I'm like you. I'm super critical on myself. If I don't honor the commitments I made to myself, I'm a bitch. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, definitely. Here's the crazy thing I would do, Kevin. I would go for a run one day or do something, and then I'd be like, We grinding every day.

I'm going to go run a million miles. Next week, I'm running seven miles. And then the next day, I wouldn't even go for a run, but I'd have built up all of this steam in my head like I was in the Olympics. And so then I'd let myself... My aspirations My aspirations were so diabolical and ridiculous. But when I let myself down, I would let myself fall from the heights of my aspirations, not even from... You just took one run. Not even from where you was at. Yes. You just took one run, and you just one neighborhood over. And you got yourself at the Olympic trials in Atlanta. But the shame I would feel would be the fall from the Olympic trials, and I only fucking went damn, probably 1,100 feet. That's why everybody that tell me they want to get into fitness, they be like, What you I should do first? I say baby steps. Baby steps. Take baby steps. If you walk in the gym and walk out, you still showed up. You did something that you wouldn't have done yesterday. Maybe this time you might get on a trip and walk for maybe two or three minutes.

I don't know. Who knows? Start drinking more water. Baby steps. Everything is baby steps. Yeah. I would never even give myself the grace of like, Let me have those babies. You know something else I used to do? I used to compare myself to people that was taking steroids and all of that. And I'm like, I want my body to look like this. And I'm like, Yeah. I used to watch them dudes say stuff like, If you ain't got no six-pack, you fat, homie. And I was like, Damn, I'm fat. So I had unrealistic expectations. I'm just like you. And then I started giving myself grace. And I'm like, I didn't even come in it to look like that. I just wanted my clothes to be able to feel good. I just didn't want to be Titty Man anymore. Yeah, he didn't want to have them nice titties on that boy. Man, I'm breasting. I just didn't want to be Titty Man anymore. And then you start comparing yourself to other people and we lose ourselves in what we really wanted. What was our goal? I wanted a bedroom body. That's it. That's all. When you get up really, really crazy high in life- You're too high.

You're Madison Square Garden and all this crazy shit that I was doing. It's like the fall will kill you. Because it's not a human height. It's not human, and there's no oxygen up there, and there's no drag on your wings, and it's lonely. It's not affected by your feelings anymore. It's just this other thing. But when I went back to work and I was like, I'm doing clubs again, how's that going to feel? I'm sitting in the Funny Bone in St. Louis, and the machine that sends Coke to the bar is next to my head, and I'm sitting there, and there's the smell of chicken wings and pizza, and I'm doing retail comedy. I was happy as fuck. I was so happy to be telling the jokes to people whose faces I could see and whose admission price is... They're giving that to me as a gift, and they're going home happy. And I got back to that level of comedy, and it was really beautiful. That's where I live now. I do the theaters because I'm still a fucking pig. I stillI like it. Some of them are nice, too. Some of them are nice.

The Ryman in Nashville. Beautiful. I'm excited to come over there. I think even this year has been tough for me. It's just like, yeah, I just feel like work has gotten busy, and it just makes me scared a little bit, and then popularity makes you scared, and that's scary. It should be scary. And then you're just looking at yourself, and you're just like, What am I even... You're like, I can't even feel like the controls feel far from my hands sometimes. Not like I'm doing crazy stuff or anything, but just like, I don't know. No, it is scary, and it should be. That's the thing is, it's like another electricity. You got to respect it. It's not a small thing being famous, and it can go bad. And it's your fault because you got into it. But I don't know, it's also a human thing to want to share your work and want to be out there. But when it goes bad, you get in this predicament of like, I I want to go to each person's house and tell them what really happened and the little things that aren't in the way that's... And that's just never going to happen.

And at this point, to me, I just want to live. If you had to share something with somebody who had lost a sibling or who had dealt with some grief from loss, something that you've learned because you're almost the Neil Armstrong of loss. You've endured a lot in your life and watched other loved ones endure a lot. What have you learned that you feel like you could share, if anything? Well, thank you for giving that opportunity because that's what I want to do, is to try to make it positive for somebody, buddy. But it's tough because I want to tell people that when somebody dies, it's going to get better, but it doesn't get better, man. You don't even get used to it. It's just keep tolerating it, and you just somehow it gets a little better someday. But there's no good word to say to them. But when somebody's really busted up, and when you overcome that and are able to maintain through that, well, then now you've achieved through a struggle. You've achieved over an obstruction. You've over a hurdle. It's like now you can say you won. Now you can say you won something because without a fight, there can't be a winner.

There can't be a champion. There can't be a success unless there's that adversity. God wouldn't put you through that unless you're going to benefit. You got a great mind. You're an intelligent guy. Oh, thanks, man. Life is... He's knocking on your door, too, my You two, I feel like you and me are probably pretty similar in some ways. You feel that? Sure do. I do, too. No, David, that leads exactly to what I was thinking about. My next question is, how does our quality of life affect our beliefs about death or the afterlife? Well, I think this is something where neuroscience actually has something to offer. Okay. When I first started studying the brain, 40 plus years ago, I was taught, well, the brain just sits there and it waits to react to something. Something comes in your sense. You hear something, you see something, your brain does something, and then you move your muscles and you respond to it. And that's what it is. The brain is sitting there waiting for something to happen. It's a reactive organ. Like a two-stroke motor or something. Well, even not like a two-stroke motor that isn't even started yet.

It's waiting for someone to pull the rip cord for it to start up. And what we now know, the modern conception of the brain is that when you're just sitting there spacing out, your brain is really busy, and it is a prediction machine. Your brain is trying to figure out what's going to happen next in the near term. What does that mean? It means that our brain is wired to presume that there will always be a near term, that there will be a future. I got diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was told four years ago that I had 6-18 months to live. And while, I mean, of course, that was really upsetting, and I was freaking the fuck out about it. In addition, I could do practical stuff. Oh, I better write my will. I better have this conversation with my kids. I better make sure this is done in the house and these letters are written for my students, so them to go on the next part of their career, all that practical stuff. That's fix that window screen. Right, exactly. But in terms of actually deeply engaging with myself not being there anymore, with my own demise, I felt like I was skittering across the ice.

I couldn't really dig in and grab it. I couldn't really think about what it's like for me not to be there anymore. And I thought, well, is this a personal failing? Do I just suck? And I thought, well, maybe, but I mean, I do. We all do. But what I'm thinking fundamentally is that this is not something that we, as humans, are designed to do. Our brains are hard to predict their near future, which presumes that there will be a near future, right? And so if you extrapolate this a little bit-And what does extrapolate mean? Just so people know. I'm sorry. If you move on to the next step of what this means for faith, if you go around the world, nearly every, not absolutely every, but nearly every religion in the world has an after life or reincarnation story. Very few religions, Judaism is one, you're dead, and there isn't actually a story about what happens after you're dead. But almost every other one does. Or the You go to heaven, you meld with the divine, you're reincarnated, but there's something that happens. These stories are exceedingly popular all over the world in all cultures.

Well, I think that the reason they are is because of this brain bug we have. We can't imagine ourselves dead because our brains are hardwired to predict the future. And that's why we have these afterlife and reincarnation stories in faiths all over the world. And so I have total sympathy for these, not just because I'm diagnosed with terminal cancer, because I see them as something deep and fundamental to what it is to be human and something that binds us all. Have you ever met someone and you were like, I could play that person? Because that would be like, I feel like if I were an actor, that would be like my power. Like, you would corner somebody in a room of a fucking party. I could play you in a heartbeat. Does that happen with the good actors? I don't know. You have to ask good actors. I remember when I was young, I remember doing this movie. One of the other actor was talking to the director and he was like, Wouldn't it be cool if, you know, walking did this movie, like so and so. He mentioned this other actor that was like my peer who was like, the actor, right?

And the director was like, Yeah, but I mean, Waukeen is no so and so. And he was like, The other actor was like, Dude, that's so fucked up. The sales director was like, Oh, no, no. I mean that in the best way. You're a character actor. He's no Fred Armison. Character actor is always... Character actor is code for you can't You're never going to really get there, but you'll work. And that fucking pissed me off. But here's the thing, but it pissed me off because I was like, no, I have more. There's more that will come out that will come out of me. But I think I ultimately appreciate it because it made me go like, well, how do I find that way? How do I find more? Yeah, there was just something like, there was something special about that time where it was like, I don't know, the moment meant so much more. There was something. There used to be something about the past at the moment. You couldn't copy it. You couldn't record it. I think that's why those times. You talk about some of this in your book, man, and it's about time and God, the moments of when I was a kid or sitting there laughing with my friends.

The moment was so much more real because you were never going to get it again. Right. And you couldn't necessarily record it, and you sure as hell couldn't share it. There's a study on this, man. I don't know. I'm going to say it's like 20 years ago, or 25. The moment was the biggest dopamine rush. The jump, the The cresting of the mountain, the pulling off whatever you tried to pull off. Yeah. Scientifically measured, the biggest dopamine hit. Cameras and mobile devices and stuff come out. It slowly turned to the recording of the moment, the snapshot. Okay? Not the cresting of the hill, but we just recorded it. The ownership of the moment. The ownership of the moment, right? And then what has happened now, and it's been around for in five years, the biggest scientific dopamine hit that we get as humans is not the doing of the deed, is not the recording of the deed. It is when we press share. Really? Now, that's a little bit like living in the third person. We're all running around going, My rush is not when I run for a countdown. My rush is when I see myself on the Jumbotron running for the countdown.

That's That's a slippery slope, man. You know what I mean? Well, it's slippery, but it also seems hard to even conceptualize who I am then. Am I myself? Am I just a viewer of myself now? That's it. We're much more voyeurs now. Our identity comes from being objective, trying to look at ourself from outside, and now comes from, Well, what did you think of what I did? That's the worst. What did you think of what I did? Because-that will be my definition of who I am. We got to watch that. Raleigh Malle. Yes, sir. What is something that you are grateful for this year? A little thing in the world that... Is there a moment or something in the world that makes you feel some gratitude. Yeah, I've got a little baby coming along the way. Yeah. Dang. You have a baby coming? I do. Oh, my gosh. Bro. Unreal. Dude, congratulations, man. Thank you. Oh, my Gosh, bro. Dude, I remember when you hadn't even come out of your own nuts or whatever. Remember that? Yeah. Wow. Now you're like, I'll show them. Wow, dude. I'm going to make this skeet grow up. That's crazy, dude.

Is it a male or female? Do you know? Have you all looked at it? It's a male. Amen, brother. God has got you, man. We can even pray about it right now. You care if we pray about it for a second? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it, man. God, we just want to thank you today in times where we're uncertain about things and where it feels like it's tough to get a foothold that sometimes our sense of purpose wanes based on our society, that you can remind us that there are important things in the world. God, we want to thank you so much for giving Riley a chance to be a father When I met Raleigh, he was barely... He hadn't even had any... I'm going to say it fast so it's not because we are in a prayer. He hadn't even had any semen come out of his body. Here he is just serving blast sauce and just having it grow up into something beautiful. We want to lift this child up to you, God, before it's even here. What's the name of the child, Raleigh? We If I haven't announced it yet.

Okay. God, we want to lift up this unannounced child to you that at this point is still just a batch of semen and egg that you are helping cultivate and moisturize. We just want to lift that up to you, God, and say thank you for reminding us what is purposeful and that we can find purpose in family. Rod, amen. Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Wilson Jr. Thank you, sir. One, two, three, four. Gary, these days been lying in his bed, man. Working on the same car, going on a decade. Scribbles on drum, man, don't draw attention. I never really noticed, but now that I'm mentioning. Ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days, born with a cigarette glued to their face. Fix them down Anything a hammer can handle. Saving all the money because a Gary don't gamble. Ain't a lot of girls going by Debbie anymore. They got the same nicotine pouring out their pores. Time leaves town, but the minute hand stays. There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days. Now, Gary these days been worried about the bad news. There ain't a lot of teenagers filling up the church views.

No. Burn a bush slice, don't talk to his brother. The people even still say, Grace before supper. There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days, born with a cigarette good to their face. Fix and bound anything a hammer can handle. Saving all the money because a Gary don't gamble. Ain't a lot of girls going buying Debbie anymore, but they got the same nicotine pouring out their course. Time leaves town, but the minute hand stays. There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days, Every morning gets a damn thing when it takes it out for a spin for a speaking day. He believes in God who believes in a little black countries on the storm on this day. I had a weird suspicion with the light out on the front porch. A hard medication poured down where the drain pours. He holds his left arm while his parakeet prays. Has anybody seen much of Gary these days? Has anybody seen much of Gary these days? No, there

ain't a lot of boys, ain't a lot of boys, ain't a lot of boys. There ain't. Gary. Gary. Gary.