Transcript of #633 - Trevor Wallace

If you missed out on any of the holiday merch, which I get it for sure, it's a busy time. We still have stuff available if you're interested. We've got the Bobby collab and the Gang Gang collegiate hoodies and the Gang Totes. You can check it all out and see what speaks to you, if anything, at theovanstore. Com. Thank you so much for your support. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian. He's a content creator. He has his own podcast called Stiff Socks, and his new tour is happening right now called Alpha Beta Male. You can go check that out. I'm grateful for his return. Today's guest is Trevor Wallace. That's That's crazy.

I'm going to start poaching. I don't give a fuck, dude. I've had people poach me. Mr. Beast is taking some of my guys.

Has he really?

Yeah, dude.

No way.

I'm poaching. I don't give a fuck anymore.

Mr. Beast took some of your guys. Let's start right there. That's why.

Mr. Beast. Well, I mean, he And the guy is just the best of the best. And what he does is, it's not him. It's people who work under him, just finding all the best people in the industry. And honestly, I don't blame him because I've worked with some people that the line on the resume is so strong because you get them in, you're like, this is a very simple thing, this simple edit. You can do this, mock this edit and this edit. And they're like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get it back. And you just want to be like, you know what? Fuck it. Coloring the lines first. Let me see that. Spell your name alphabetically first.

Yeah, people will put trap beats and shit to your edit.

But he just takes the best of the best. The people in that town, where's it? Greenville?

Greensboro?

Maybe. It's near ECU, wherever that one is. Okay. They got a pirate as a mascot, which 2026, I don't know if you can do that anymore.

Greenville, Northampton.

That's true, dude. Yeah, pirate.

nick Shirley will show up and bust all your mascots.

And honestly, after losing a leg, why would you still want to be on a ship? That doesn't seem like a very steady place to be. There's a lot of wobbles going on there. And I love Mr. B, so I'll say that he's a good guy, but he's smart for just taking the best of the best.

Well, I think at a certain point, you realize-It's almost good.

It's like if you have a hot girlfriend and she gets hit on at a bar, I'm not mad. I'm mad if nobody hits on my girlfriend.

Yeah, dude, if somebody just comes up and talks to you and you introduce me your girlfriend and they don't even look at her again.

Oh, yeah. Dude, I think the most disrespectful thing you can say to a guy after they show them their girlfriend, be like, Oh, man, as long as you're happy. Stop. As long as you're happy. Not anymore. I'm going to take my own life. She's free now.

Bro, I'm going to definitely go get her hair braided or something, or get her rode up or something. You have to do something then. But then if somebody looks at your girlfriend three times, dude, you're like, Whoa, dude.

You get two free glimpses. It's like a monopoly. You get two free out of You get two free glimpses.

And they better be up top glimpses. They better, I mean, looking at her hairline.

Clavicles up. But it is funny that if you're, and I don't think this happens the older you get in life, but when you are-Well, I'll tell you, go on. Sciatica. As you get older, it's not as much. But when you start dating somebody, it's almost like your boys are like, Check her out. She's hot, right? Look at her tits. Then those people get married eventually, and you're like, I've seen your wife's tits. Why am I even at the wedding? I've I've seen them.

Yeah, I think it's wild. That's one of the things that I think could be wild to know is about if somebody marries somebody that has a lot of OnlyFans stuff out there and stuff like that, if that can be... Because I don't look at OnlyFans, but I don't know. And some of the stuff might just be photos. I know some of it's sex, But that could be-It's all.

It's all Sex. It's crazy. You're like, truly, they don't go all the way. And you do one Reddit search, and they're in the dark webs.

They're going all the way? All the way. Oh, my God.

It's crazy. Well, I think they do it because it's behind so many paywalls. They're like, nobody's going to see this.

Do they even have a shirt on or anything or nothing?

No, I don't even know if they have the AC on. It's like a sweaty place. I don't know, man. There's always music in the background. It's always like Whizz Khalifa, like Young Wild and Free. I don't know if this is the most I feel like this is a song for a high school graduation.

Dude, if you're getting shanked down somewhere, I think you got to have the AC on, I feel like.

Ac on and windows down or the blinds down. It's too bright in there.

Oh, yeah. But then some of the dark, I will say this, haven't been a user of pornography. You're still off, yeah? I've had some setbacks. Yeah.

And what sparked that setback? Oh, I'll tell you. Not to trigger anything. No, dude. You triggered something that night.

Frustrated, lonesome, laying there, reading. And they've been like, Oh, this book isn't enough. And it's just a book. It's like a good book. Is it have photos or no? It's like all is quiet on the western front or something. It's like, Oh, this book isn't enough to make me spray. You're going to touch yourself after that. Oh, yeah.

You're talking about the dust bowl?

Yeah. There are a couple of scenes in Grapes of Wrath that- Really? Well, there's a scene where the mom at the end or a woman who's breastfeeding at the end has to breastfeed a person, like an adult, because they just don't have anything to eat. Oh, from the nutrients? Yes.

I've been not hungry before, though.

But that's like... I mean, that's...

We're already on Reddit. It's about to happen. We're two clicks away from Tits.

Yeah. Well, let's back out of here because I'm already-Well, I'm looking at the Louis C.

K. Book behind you, and it's something about that cover. That feels like a little-Oh, this is awesome.

But yeah, dude, I think that's the thing that gets me. If I haven't been meditating, I have a little a moment of peace before I react into something.

Mental masturbation, yeah.

Well, it's not as reactive. It's like I have a moment of like, Okay, well, what do I really want to do here? Because then I'll jerk off, then I feel bad, that type of thing. But overall, it's gotten a lot better.

It's instant. The second it leaves the body. It's like, come out, regret in. It's like a baton. It's like a handoff. It's like, goodbye, good night. Then you're just sitting there with shame. How are you in hotel rooms? After shows, are you like, okay, I can just go straight to sleep, or you're just sitting there pacing a little bit?

Oh, man. I think it's a variety of stuff. I don't know if hotel rooms do it for me anymore, which is sad because that used to be the thing. You get in a nice room, you got to jerk up when you get in there.

That's the key card.

I thought this thing runs on DNA. You're just spraying on the swipe out front.

Exactly. Then you stick the do not disturb sign on the nut. But I just feel like any room It's just not home, so it's always going to feel awkward. It's just like the AC. The AC needs to pick a lane. It's on then it's off. It's on then it's... And you're like, why are you edging me with AC?

The AC does feel like it's edging all the time. It shit pissed me off. It's a crazy I think, too, in the winter, you can never get the heat right in your house or your room, whatever it is. The heat is the worst because it's blazing hot for a second, and then it disappears really fast. I don't know. All that stuff is hectic, dude. I mean, getting through the winter, getting through these days, I never want the year to start. That's what I realized. I do not- Really? Yes. I'm still trying to relax and chill, and the year just starts back so fast.

You've been taking a break, though, yeah? How are you feeling? Good?

Yeah, I'm feeling better for sure. Yeah, nice. But I want to just keep doing that, and that's fine. But I think the calendar is just like, here we're going again.

I feel that. It takes me a while to calm down. And then the second I start to calm down, that's when it starts ramping back up. If you really need to enjoy a vacation, let's say you want a week off, you almost need two or three days before and two or three days after to build in and then to build up, to get out.

Do you think it's tough for people to find spouses stuff these days because there's so much date? So many people, you've dated your friends and all that stuff. Does that ever affect you, you think at all?

What's the question?

If you wanted to find a girlfriend or something, is it tough because you're just like, Oh, man, my buddy's dating her. There's just so much-Oh, in the same town?

I guess it just depends on the town capacity. Where my dad grew up, it's 5,000 people. Yeah, at that point, you might have to run it back once or twice. You might have to date somebody you dated years back just to be like, We've hit the cycle. You know at a strip club on a Tuesday when it's slow, and then the same dancers come out every three songs.

With a new hat or whatever.

Yeah, exactly. They just put like, La in front of their name. There's diamond now. There's La diamond. You're like, Is this Spanish diamond?

Yeah, La Gina. So it's L diamond.

She's next. I think it just depends on the town. Yeah, dude. I think that's why guys randomly just move, though. They're like, Fuck, I'm going to Oregon.

Dudes will be like, Hey, is there... Some dude will send a tweet like, Hey, is there some good puss out in Oregon or whatever?

The craziest shit to me...

Some dudes will reply like, Bro, no puss in Oregon, dude.

Yeah, bro. And they're with a girl right there. They're with a wife. The craziest shit is the people that... And I'm sure you've had people like this on your tour. I have a girlfriend now, so I don't do this, but there'll be guys on your tour who are swiping in the next city. They're meal prepping swipes. They're like, Oh, I'm already in Chattanooga. We're in San Diego, brother. What the hell are you on?

Yeah, I've had some openers that are like that. They're already in the next city, and they're like, Oh, I got a girl maybe coming through. I'm like, How'd you meet her? I met her on Hins or whatever. We're together now. It's crazy.

Yeah, the pre swipes. I don't know, I mean, I guess it's like ordering an Uber for the next day or something. There's some smart strategy behind it.

That's Uber Eats, dude. Yes, sir.

Uber Eats out.

Dude, a lot of crazy stuff. What did I see that there was a one girl, Trisha Patis, is running for her office. Did you see that?

Do you know her kid's names?

Uh-uh.

I don't know why you would. I don't know why I do. But her kid's names are... Can you pull that up somewhere, someone? It's fun. Yeah, it's Elvis and Aquaman, who should be in the new Jason Momoa movie. Wow. Malibu Barbi. Malibu Barbi, yeah. Malibu Barbi, Elvis, and Aquaman, Moses. They're kids, so I don't want to talk shit, but- Their names follow a theme of pop culture and iconic figures, with Aquaman being a nod to his Cancer, Water sign, birth month, and the movie. And their fourth kid is Charlie Kirk.

No.

Reincarnated.

But this is her right here. I never thought of... Is this real?

She's running for President?

She's running for office, I believe, for Congress.

I never thought of myself as a political person until I started having kids and realizing the world could be just so-What is she eating? Is she doing a muck bang while running for office? That is crazy. That's a good way to keep attention, though. Why the fuck wasn't Biden eating goddamn Overnight Oats while doing his campaign.

Biden was fucking eating ideas from years ago, bro. That guy was fucking eating his words. Bro, can you even imagine the pain that Biden had to go through each day when they put him back up there and they're like, Okay, you're going back up there.

Yeah, I feel like-And he didn't have any clue what he was doing.

You've seen people- He's like Aaron Rodgers.

He's still playing, but he just wants to be on a beach on ayahuasca. Yeah. He just wants to be away. Every day, I think Who would want to be president? Every day, you have people yelling at you.

It seems like the worst. But when he went out, then they put him on that bike, they knew he couldn't do it. It's all crazy.

That was the first hit from another country was the bike.

When he fell off that bike or when that bike went down.

That was somebody. That was somebody in North Dakota being like, Let's take him out. Deflate the tires.

Yeah, let's wait one of these pedals. It would only take a little bit. Would What did she say? What else did she say? Let's see, is this serious that she's running? For those of you who don't know, Trisha Paytis is a...

She's done everything. She's really just culturally well known online on YouTube and TikTok and everything. I believe at one point she did YouTuber and influencer.

P-o-r-n. Announced, Pateis expressed a desire to make a difference amid horrible stuff in California and the world, calling the idea crazy but vivid. From a dream she had, she plans to run as a write-in candidate initially and then self her campaign. Her potential slogan, potential slogan is, California could be good. Hey, that's a moderate... That's a moderate step.

Yeah, it could be good.

Yeah, it's fair.

It could be all right. It could be good.

It's a fair thing to take with people.

I feel like that's two levels. When you go to a hot chicken place and they have all the different levels, and make America great again is the number one. Could be good is the starting point. California could be good. It's a nugget. Then it's like, Texas will fuck your ass. Then it's like, make America great again.

Wow, that's wild. What is some of... Does she have a policy? What is she running on? Does she have any priorities, is she saying? Does she say it in that speech? What is going on?

How do you even run for president? Where do you sign up?

Well, this is Congress. But there's a lot of Congress people. Is Congress the Farm League for baseball? Total of 535 members of Congress, dude.

That's like the Brea Improv.

Yeah. Imagine if that fills the Brea Improv. I'd bomb so hard. A serve in the US Senate and 435 serve in the House of Representatives. But can you go back to what her priority was? Can we get to that?

Really dark and depressing things. But getting a fold in my mental health means being able to not only deal with my emotions and spirals and triggers, I need to start dealing with the world.

I'm going to start my state. I really think my slogan for running will just be like, California could be good. Okay, this is wild. But good for her.

What would your slogan be for Nashville? Nashville could be quieter.

Let's get this shit hype, Whited. I think that could be it. Type shit. And others.

And others. Yeah. Type shit.

Who's ready for some Tennessee type shit? No.

Tennessee type shit is way better than Titans.

Tennessee type shit.

I mean, that's the first improvement. You should be a head coach somewhere.

The Tennessee type shit.

You're at a lot of games. You know ball.

We've had a great deal of games, man.

The College is great. The university. Kam Ward, shout out to him. He seems like a great kid. He's going to go far.

He seems like a nice guy over there for sure. I only met him one time, but he seems nice. Yeah, they've had a rough season over there. They're looking for a new coach right now, so I think they're in a lot of rebuilding going on over at the Titans. Totally.

Well, they should hire Trisha Pateis because the Titans could be good.

Could be good. Could be good. You're right. It's the perfect motto. If she were to win off as the Freaky Singer, it says here, and this is the Hill, said her primary goal would be to to raise the age requirement for participating in adult entertainment to 25. I think that's probably a good idea.

Is that because that's when the brain is fully developed to be like, Hey, should I be throwing my post online?

Yeah, I think it's obviously up to the women, but I think having a better understanding of what you want to do before you lock yourself into a video or something is probably a good idea.

It is crazy. You can get fully nude on the internet before you can get a Bush light. You can show Bush before getting a Bush light. Yeah. Eighteen, pop it out, but you can't go to a bar.

It is wild.

But that was the original stance with the war. It's like, You can fire for this country at 18, but it can't get a goddamn course latte. Now, we've just rotated. Women can show a puss, but they can't get a Pacifico. Well, that's what I'm running for.

Dude, yeah, you could storm the beaches of Pacifico, but you can't get one. That's the crazy part. Dude, the wildest... Maybe they'll do a a mashup, like the army and only family. It'll be army fans. Maybe they'll do a mashup.

There's a army going. There's a war going on in the OF world right now. I don't know if it's fascinating or I don't think we should draw any more attention to it, but there's some girl selling a course and everyone's yelling at her.

Who's selling a course?

She's selling a course on how to be an OF. She's doing Andrew Tate, but for popping it online.

How to do it and do it well?

I guess. Maybe it's about different positions I think it's how to market. If you want to be an OF girl, this is how you would run it. It's a course. Like with any of these guys, like Andrew Elliott. Andrew Elliott? No, Andy Elliott. It's just a course that they're selling for $6,000, and now other girls who do that are like, Hey, why don't you just give this out for free? Why are you talking to me a piece of shit? This course is not good. The course is just getting.

I don't know if it's understanding enough. I don't know. It's up to girls, right? It's their bodies. It's their choices about it. But I do think is young. It's very young. We had a lady on named Leila McAwait, and she talked about a lot of pornography that's online. It's not consensual. There was a lot of lawsuits that made Like, Pornhub and some of these other sites take down non-consensual sex. It was sex that had been recorded, but nobody ever signed off and said, Okay, yes, I'm okay with you putting that up. Onlyfans, Kamelia-Yeah, it's her. Arijal faces a backlash for $5,000 course, people saying it's a scam. I mean, people make courses for everything. It's like, if you go and buy this, then that's your choice. Do I think it's probably the best thing to be marketing? I don't know. I'm not a woman. I don't know if... But I think... I don't know. Would I want my daughter probably doing that if she's like, I don't know. I'll tell you this. It'd be nicer if somebody's 25 and they're able to make that choice, probably.

Yeah, I think it's just Any time people spend money on something, there's a sense of entitlement where it's like, if you pay a premium, you're expecting a premium return. Then if you log on to it or you buy it and it's just a shit course, then you're instantly mad.

A lot of those courses are pretty mid, though. Remember all those ones during COVID on Facebook? It was like everybody was putting a course up, it felt like.

Yeah, I did one at one point, too. You did? Early, early, early on social media. What was it? During the pandemic, it was just like- You had to vaive and drive by somebody?

Oh, shit.

I'm below O's and loads. That's what it was called. O's and loads. No, it was just during the pandemic, and I was literally like, I'm just such a workhorse. If I'm not doing anything, I just feel guilt. I feel like I need to be doing something. And during the pandemic, I was like, what if I did just, Here's everything I do, start to finish video ideas when it comes to creating ideas, adding it.

Did you feel good about it?

I felt like it was true to me. I don't know, which is cool because now I have multiple friends who I watch and admire We're online. Years later, we're like, Yo, low key, we took your class. No way. Thank you for teaching us. I was like, What the fuck?

Dude, actually, I took a-I'm hanging out with students. I took a comedy class when I started. Yeah. You're right. It's like, what's the real difference?

It's not up anymore, or I don't think you can buy it anymore, but it was just at the time, it was a one-time purchase, $125, which-That's fair. Yeah.

I mean, it's like-You're a work horse, though, dude. You love your work. You're locked in.

Yeah, I haven't done those in a while, but yeah. I get this. It was broken down in chapters. It was like five hours' total of stuff. It was just me saying... I mean, I'm sure parts of it were maybe boring, but I think if you watch the whole thing, I really break it down. That's what's been the hardest thing for me is hiring additional help is like, I am so locked in on exactly what I want, what I'm looking for. Then I tell it to somebody, and then they don't do it. I'm like, No, it was this. Mock this example here.

Then you have to do it yourself in the end. That takes a ton of time. That's the same way I'm with edits. It's like, I got to stay up and go watch through the edits. It's like, I just got to make sure I'm very meticulous. It's hard for somebody to get your exact ways down. It's just tough.

Which is hard because it's like, if you do it, then they don't learn. But sometimes, just whether it's a deadline or something, I'll be like, here, just let me over the shoulder. I'm like, Move this, do this. I'll do it myself. And be like, You get it? I'm like, Yeah, but I'm not teaching them. I don't know. Nobody told you getting into comedy, now you have to be an employer. You have to be a boss. That's the worst. You guys hear that back there? It's the fucking Make his life better.

No, they do. I'm the problem. I feel like usually it's like... Because nobody knows what you want, and you don't even know. It's so hard to explain yourself. But it is crazy from going to somebody who just wanted to rest all day and barely made it to the show sometimes. Dude, I remember one time I was drunk, I peed on my phone or whatever, and I couldn't even fucking get a hold of the people to come and get me for the show. Just like, nightmare shit. Then to go from that to being like, Oh, dang. People are waiting to hear back from me about stuff. It's like, that stuff's a lot. I think evolving in a place, especially if you find out that you like to work a lot, and then becoming a boss is super hard. And learning to communicate. I'm trying to learn to communicate better. It's been a slow climb, man.

The hardest part for me is if I'm not working, then nobody's working, it feels like, which isn't true, but it feels like I need to be there to run ship. But if I'm not, then people are like, What are we? Who do I? How do I? That's why the touring makes it hard. In the perfect world, I just want to bring everybody. Fuck it. Bring your Dell, bring your PC. You're editing on this flight, and we can just all be there, which is just not realistic. But I feel like comedians now work harder than they've ever worked. When you first started, I remember you were on Last Come, Like Standing, right? In those days, what was your day-to-day in comedy? Was it just you wake up and you just had spots at night? Or were you doing other shit?

Yeah, you had spots at night, go to the gym, probably just try to take care of yourself, stay I liked going to the gym at the time, so do that. I started doing this crank texting thing and some weird stuff, making some websites.

Oh, you're trying to look for some other comedy?

Yeah, finding something on the internet that could be another force for me or another thing that I could do.

Who were the big dogs in LA when you were-Oh, nick Thune, Owen Benjamin.

Jane Cooke was the biggest guy right when I got there. I never saw him much, but sometimes he would come by some of the rooms. Who else? Steve Byrne, Adam Hunter. Those were the guys that were real popular at the rooms that I went to. Every now and then, somebody magical would come through. A Jim Norton would come through. Chelsea Handler, I think, came in one time. But those were in the clubs. Those were just in the tertiary rooms. Some of those guys, I guess, and girls that started getting into clubs.

What have you been up to in your time off? You're taking a couple months off now.

Yeah, I mean, off a stand up. We're still doing a ton of podcasting. Isn't that funny?

In my head, I go like, Oh, I have a week off. But that just means from touring. A week off, now I'm just doing the same shit, but at home.

Yeah. Oh, it's nice having a break from travel. From travel, Travel. Yeah, from that thing. I mean, I got to go to a lot of football games. That was fun. I've been able to do that. I mean, I've probably done 26 weeks a year for probably 15 years. It's hard to plan it, but it's hard to go out of town whenever you just went, we're out of town, even for work. That was fun. Getting to go to a lot of SEC football games. That was great. I got to redo my comedy special, so we're going to retape that at some point. Nice.

Have you not seen it yet?

Nope.

Breaking news. You heard it here live. Do you know where you're shooting it yet?

I don't yet. We're going to start. I got to start figuring that out. Just wanted to wait till I felt excited about just getting back on stage. I just wanted to have some space. It was just a lot. Last year was just a long year. Totally. Totally. But it was great. It was good, and it was just a lot. You're just learning and life's changing, and you're like, Man, this is like...

You just take a second to pause and like, What's the real priority here?

Yeah. You had to get security for some stuff. You started realizing you're freaking out when you're by yourself a little bit, things like that. That makes it spooky.

I think if you took a... What a sample size of one in seven Americans, I would say six of them know you.

Oh, I don't think.

But seven people, just any. Santa Fe, New Mexico, Dane, Ohio. I mean, those two definitely. But if you like...

A couple of twinks, maybe.

Yeah, but I think you're just so... You're You're just so known that sometimes you don't when you just show... You're just so you, though. I don't know if you see it. I mean, obviously you see it, but how the world sees you. That's something that is always an interesting thing. It's like, you don't know how the world sees you because you only see the world. But You're so well known that you just show up like, Soul, and I'm like, This motherfucker just interviewed the Ukrainian missile crisis, and now he's just at the Comedy store walking up by himself.

But you want to feel like just your own space in the world. I think that was a conflict a lot for me last year and just knowing that, okay, well, sometimes you just need to have somebody with you. Then I started really just feeling paranoid when I was by myself. But some of it was just people filming you. It's people doing stuff that started to make you crazy. You'll just go to eat, or you'll go to do something simple, and it'll be like little things. It's okay. I'm not complaining about it. I'm just saying there's some adjustment to it, and there's some psychological adjustment to it as well. Then I think Things got scary last year when they shot Charlie Kirk. That probably scared everybody who even gets on a stage, I think, was probably scared.

Oh, dude, I was at the Comedy store. I have a clip of this. I might post it. I'll show it to you to see if it's good or not. But a balloon popped on New Year's. I was at the store, and my first I thought I just got Kirked. It got a big pop. But it's one of those things. It's like, do I post it? And then the internet's like, oh, what? Well, now here we go with it. Yeah, now with it.

And I'm like, no, I think it's fine, bro. Oh, okay. I think it's like, I mean...

But then I talk about Erica and her eyesight. That's when it goes a little like...

I think you have to joke about it. I start thinking of things to talk about about stuff like that. But yeah, I think all that made people spooked. It was like, what's going on? And then it doesn't seem like the investigation. You're like, What's really happening here? They show the kid at a Dairy Queen or something, and it's like he's wearing different stuff.

The biggest thing is, I think this might have been put on by Dairy Queen. There's no way that they didn't put a bid in to some bigger picture to be like, listen, Blizzards aren't doing the numbers they used to do. But think about that. Okay, now I'm getting real conspiracy in here. But any fast food place he goes to, their sales are going to go up. People watch this and we're like, Yo, I low key on a blizzard right now.

Yeah, for sure.

If fucking Jack in the Box did this shit and he ate two tacos, bro, that's it. Well, dude, I'm fucking sick of this planet. Get me off this, bitch. Dude, if Baskin Robbins did this, they would have 32 flavors.

They'd bring the Choco-Taco back to Taco Bell. I'd make a new flavor for him in the back, homie. That's what I want, dude. That's what that twink fucking-Dude, if that would have happened out of Ben and Jerry's, they would have had it.

They would have that flavor quick.

Dude, how do they not have twink?

Twink shooter? Twinkle, twinkle, little star?

How do they not have twink shooter, Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor? Dude, that's the thing. Some of these food companies have got to start to come out with foods that people can relate to. It's like, how do they not have the rooftop Gunners' McNugget or something. It's like a little guy. Maybe they serve them on a roof. You open up the thing and there's a little roof in there, and they're all placed on there, and one of them has a little pistol or something.

Dude, can we pull up a Is that crazy, you think? Oh, it's insane. But can we pull up a McDonald's Happy Meal? It has a roof in it.

That's what I'm talking about.

You know what I mean? And they put a toy. Bro, in Pizza Hut, you don't even want to see a Pizza Hut with the old motherfucking sombrero on it.

Yes, bro. Put a sniper on there.

When Papa John said that word, they should have done a different specialty.

And Papa John, when you open one of the boxes every day, this is how they do it. One magical box, it has one of those voice things in it. That when you open it, it thatwhen you open it. Like a birthday card? Yeah. It says the N-word. And if you get that pizza, you get it free.

Isn't that interesting? No reward. It's so fucked up. It's so bad. But then you get a reward. You're like, This is low-key Willy Wanka. Yeah.

All people want is a little They want a little bit of something extra. They want a little bit of prize.

The Epstein files are out, but I'm excited for the Wanka files. I think some weird shit was going down at Willy Wanka.

With Dolores Glunt or whatever.

I'm trying to bitch us into Blueberries. It's literally all children and little people running around. I feel like we're getting into some weird files that are going to drop soon. The Wanka tapes. What? The Wanka tapes.

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G. One, not the Tim DeShalameh one.

I'm just wondering, investing in sexual accusations during the taping of any Willy Wanka film.

Child labor laws. Yeah. For sure. They're throwing him bitches in a fondu pot.

Mentioned, Rejecting Michael Jackson for Wanka due to piroguegget. Oh, Michael Jackson was going to be in Wanka?

Charlie and Chocolate Factory. All right, that was the worst joke I've ever said.

We'll take it out. But, dude, I guess, going back to what do you think? Do you think there should be an age law for sex work?

Yeah. I do think 25 could have made sense. I think about what I was doing from 18 to 22. I was just in college. I was making the worst decisions of my entire life. At one point, I smoked weed out of a light bulb, literally the base of a light bulb. And that same One guy could have been like, Fuck it, here's my dick.

Because that has tungsten in it, too. It could be real dangerous, probably inhaling tungsten.

Yeah, I mean, might as well just smoke meth at that point. But I broke a light bulb and used the bottom of it as a bowl for weed. I didn't even use the glass.

That's crack neighbor behavior, dude. Yeah, it is. That's crack neighbor behavior.

Yeah, that's parallel of crack right there.

That's method Jason, bro.

Method Jason sounds like a great podcast that could come out. Methadjacent, holy shit.

Oh, what about Freddie versus method Jason, dude?

I like that.

I'm trying to think if... Because, yeah, if you had to be 25 to do that and you had to be 18 to be in the army, but what if they came out with an army fans, dude? That's the thing. I start to see weird business mergers happening. We've had Long John Silvers and Bask and Robbins. Didn't they merger?

No.

Who merger?

Pizza Hut.

And Long John Silvers?

It's always the bitches that can't pull their own on their own. You know what I mean?

But first of all, Long John Silvers, shut it down.

Yeah. I mean, investigate their taxes. That's a drug fraud. You thought shit was going on weird in Minnesota with the Somalias? Let's investigate Long John Silvers.

Bro, there's no catch of the day out in fucking Midland, Texas.

The catch of the day is the felon that was working behind the fry counter. That's the catch is when he leaves and the ankle monitor goes up. Type in Long John Silvers CEO, if you don't mind.

Long John Silver is right here. Under companies like YUM That's what they're called. They're creating combined locations with KFC Pizza Hut or Tacobel. Yeah, that's the cra-I just don't like that, dude, because I don't like somebody, you know they're cooking fish on the grill, and they're also cooking a burger.

Tacobel does it with a bunch. It might be Tacobel Pizza Hut. You'll see those randomly.

Then they stuff them in a gas station and it's fucking-Yeah. It's not the same. None of that shit's the same. But, dude, I could see an army fans, dude. Can you see the army fans?

I could definitely see it. Who are they taking down?

They're not fighting anybody. It's just military people to show in their junk to make an extra buck, I feel like, or probably to fund our military. I feel like I could just see that.

I think it's a good idea. To fund the military, yeah. Hold on. Why don't we do it? All these guys are jacked. They work out 24/7. They might have a little bit of dirt or dust on their face from being at combat. There's so many lonely women in the Midwest, well, globally, who are like, That's hot.

Yeah, and the chance they could do like, I don't know. I'm trying to think what their chance is.

I don't know what you've been told, but this busy is...

But for six more dollars, you can see this hole. Something like that.

But this busy is getting sold.

That's what we need, dude. It's like, Left, right, left, right. But it's just somebody showing their different tips. Just? Yes. It's somebody jugging off.

That is a great way to fund the military.

Because everything's going bankrupt, so you're going to have to find ways to fund things.

This is what I've been hearing is, everywhere is bankrupt, which blows me on because it's like, we're not getting enough money, and it's neither the businesses. So who... I know. I can't even think about it. It hurts my head.

It's getting weird, dude. Yeah, I mean- Everything's getting weird, bro. The current CEO of Longdown Servers is Nate Fowler, who took over in February 2025, succeeding Blaine Shortreid, who had served as CEO since early 2021. Can I see a photo of this guy? Yeah. That's Nate Fowler. He's a baller. Are we hoops? Oh, he looks like a nice guy.

He looks like a nice guy. He also looks like he's never had long John Silver in his entire life. He's like, What are we serving here? Oh, hell no. Hell no.

Well, dude, they have that carp or whatever. I'm like, I'm not fucking parking and getting out of my car.

Park to carp?

Yeah. I don't know. There's something about... I'm not getting carp through a drive-through. I'm not going in there to get any carp.

Drive-through is, I think, the downfall of America. I saw a skyline, Chile, in with a drive-through. I say, If you're getting chilly on the road, you might as well start drinking. You have a better chance to survive getting a DUI than eating hot spaghettios in the back of a tundra.

Sometimes we think like, Oh, we're Americans. We deserve so much. But then when you look at what we are willing to accept just on a daily-to-day level for ourselves, and I know some people, they can't afford certain things, and I get that. But when you're willing to just pull up with your kids and just sit there and eat chili in the car and just of just do gas on each other and do body gas on each other, what are you doing?

It's just come to a point-Just because you're a bangles fan or whatever?

What are we doing?

Fucking Joe Burrow play a long shit in his ear.

Hey, sack this.

Yeah, it's so funny how Americanize my brain. Obviously, I grew up here. Catch this T.

Higgins and your dad just farts again. You're like, Come on, dad.

That's probably how it all starts. That's the warmup in the locker room. But it's so... This format It's so normal to me that if I see a place that doesn't have a drive through, I'll be like, Let me look. If I'm going to Starbucks, I'm like, Oh, this Starbucks doesn't have a drive through. Let me find a drive through Starbucks.

Yeah, that's a good point.

All you're going to do is add a road and you up your sales.

Oh, dude, a Starbucks on some places would be so good. On a nice steakhouse. But you could wait like 40 minutes in line, wouldn't you put your order at the sign if it's a busy place? Oh, yeah. Yeah, the McRib, they just said this, Black folks are going to be pissed. What's inside a McRib? Mcdonald's hit with class action lawsuit claiming the sandwich doesn't contain rib meat. Well, TBD on that, brother. I'm going to leave that up to my more chocolatey associates in the world because that's out of my jurisdiction. I'm not going to make you a fiction, brother. According to the complaint, the McRib is actually made from restructured pork, which combines cuts such as shoulder, heart, tripe, and scalded stomach, none of which qualify as rib meat. That's fair.

At least it's from a pig. I thought for sure that they were just painting some cow of different colors.

But to just do that, to lie to a culture for so long saying it's rib. I knew it wasn't rib. One of my friends lives and dies by this thing, my buddy Scotty. I'm like, he's always sending me pictures of him getting the McRib whenever it's back or whatever. I'm like, Where did it go? It didn't fucking... What did they do? They used to like... I mean, Bird always used to talk about that. Bird Kreisher would always talk about how crime would go up when the Mcrib was gone or whatever.

I think it did. I think this is a real American's Groundhog Day. Yeah. I feel like the McRib is back. Fine, honey, you're getting a ring this year. Why don't more people bet on prize pics with fucking the McRib? Is it coming back in January? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, what It blows my mind about fast food, and I feel like I talked about it on this podcast before. I don't know why, but what fucks me up is the grill marks on chicken, not real grill. It's tattooed on.

What do you mean on chicken? You mean on just regular chicken you buy?

If you get a grilled chicken McDonald's, not bread, but grilled, they have grill marks on it. That's fake. It's literally, it's like a henna tattoo.

Grill marks on... It's like a henna tattoo. Grill marks on fast food chicken are often fake, created by industrial branding machines. Oh, God.

So they do that for the illusion that you're like, This was on a grill.

Oh, yeah.

But I'm not questioning it. Well, this scene... But I don't think it's that.

They're not doing that. That's some guy. That's more work. That's Nikola Tesla making a chicken.

But if you type in McDonald's...

No, I think it says it right there. It's obvious, man.

But I'm sure there's a video where you erase it. I'm pretty sure. Have you ever wondered how frozen food companies get grill marks on chicken that clearly wasn't cooked on a grill because it came out of a factory?

Well, this is how they do it. There are wheels that are very hot that roll directly over the chicken and leave them continuously branded with grill marks. Now, for six more dollars, she would show you a breast or something at the end of that.

Goes to the military.

Welcome to the military. Welcome to the Air Force, dude. I mean, that's where the hotties are, too, in the military, is in the Air Force, bro. What?

The The Hotties are in there? Yeah. Really?

Are people in the military allowed to have an OnlyFans? Because I could see a merger. I could just see... Everything's so weird now. I could easily see a merger there.

Well, everybody's doing collabs. If Long John, Silver, and Derry are going to do something. You think the military would at least take on one of these websites?

This is a perplexity. Thank you. No members of the US military are not allowed to operate OnlyFans accounts, particularly those involving adult content due to strict regulations on outside employment and conduct. These activities often violate ethics rules requiring prior approval. Now, if you are losing your life or risking your life for a country, I don't know if I believe that that's fair.

Yeah, get to pop a little pee or something. I'll tell you what, if I was in jail, the first thing I'm doing is buying one of those phones out of another dude's ass, which might be the worst convenience store ever.

I'm buying a phone out of-Well, here's the thing, you put your money in his hand and whatever comes out of his ass is yours. I think that's usually how that is like.

It is very true. Isn't that funny?

It's usually the first thing out because you have to give a... You don't usually have a ton of money.

You're like, Fuck. He's got one item in there. If he's got two, then that boy is into a different pleasure.

No, I think you can tickle each guy to see if you can guess.

Holy shit. That's how you rob a human vending machine. I mean, they got an Android. But I think the first thing I would do if I was in jail, because I don't know how they get internet or wifi, but I'll see live TikToks in jail sometimes.

Yeah, Drusky has all those guys doing that. He always looped in with a lot of... It looks like boys to men. It looks like an acapella group that went to jail. They're all wearing shises and shit, and they're all in there.

You don't need the Shaisies, you're already in jail. But I think I would immediately try to start an OF account. I would be like, I'm already in I would just J. O. I would just beat my shit every night in my cell.

I don't know. I think you get tired of that. You want to start reading, dude. Trust me. Let me just tell you, after a couple of nights, you're going to want to-If I was in jail. You're going to want to tap into a good book.

But just if I wanted to raise enough money to pay for my bail.

Oh, for sure.

If I'm in jail and I want to get out. Yeah, no, I hear you. I think that's always the answer. But if I'm in jail and I'm trying to meet my bail and I need 50K, I don't know what the crime would be.

Type shit.

Yeah, I'm showing meat to get some bread.

Are you jerking off a semi-regular or what?

Not really.

Wow. Have you jerkt off this year?

I thought you were going to say today.

No, I'm not gay, dude. Have you jerkt off this year?

Yeah, but it's only when I'm in hotels. This is the first time I've been in a hotel.

There hasn't been that much of this year. I'm just saying. So you're still jerking. How many days in are we? Not enough for you to win this argument.

I'm like a one a week guy. I want to be like a trash can. I got to take the load out to the front yard every once in a while.

Well, here's the thing, dude. I'll sometimes jerk off so I don't go do something else that's going to get me in trouble.

Yeah.

That's what I'll do. It's like if I'm feeling like, man, I want to go out and meet up, go to a bar, meet up with some people or do something that could be more risky for me, sometimes I'll jerk off so I don't go do that. That's funny, man. Because it'll be like, Oh, you ain't doing shit, whitey. After I jerk off, that's the voice that's in my head. You ain't doing shit, you little wigga.

What's funny, I had the same thought one time on a tour. I was single, but I've never been a guy who's wanted to be like, if somebody DMs me after a show, I'm like, What's up? Yeah, I say away from that.

You don't want some of that. I mean, I'll engage sometimes, but I'm never like, Hey, send me that. Yeah, no, that's crazy. Send me a drawing of that cuda or whatever.

Yeah, draw it on an IG story, make it a boomerang. Make that shit breathe for me.

Oh my God, you're out there, bro.

I'm I remember that guy. I don't even say it in real life.

But you know the lingo, dog. You're in there.

Let it breathe, yeah. I've been watching Drewski videos, but I remember this exact moment. It was in, I want to say Atlanta. This was a year or two ago, but this girl DM me. I was trying to meet up, and I'm like, I don't really do this. But she was really attractive.

She had them bangers and front acorns on her? I don't know.

She's private.

She had that yard work on?

Yeah. She could have been a dude for all I know.

She already had that yard work on her, huh?

Yeah, she had that reverse mullet, all top heavy, nothing in the back. But I remember I was like, No, Trevor, don't do that. Because there was a few messages back and forth, and then I went to the bathroom, beat my shit, and I was like, All right, we're good. About an hour goes by, and I feel back up, test the ostrum, and I go, Fuck it. What are you doing? No.

Then she- Did she come over? No. It was too late.

Yeah. But getting the seat out only buys you about an hour of time. I was like, You know what? You don't need this. Go jerk your shit and have the rest of your night and go to sleep. Oh, for sure. But then I was up for another hour. All of a sudden, back to the brim.

Well, you got to employ other forces, bro. A lot of times I would jerk off, and then if I had to go eat, I would go eat a bag of bread or something or half a bag of bread just because I'm not going to go.

I feel like it's better to have sex than eat a bag of bread.

Well, for sure. But I mean, also you're creating just like somebody's coming over. You don't know what's going to go on, how late you got to be up. But I would eat a bunch of bread or order I'd wear a bunch of rolls up to my room and eat six or seven rolls or some toasted bread. It's almost like you'd give yourself-Just to be like, I'm not going to eat a ton of bread and then go have sex. Oh, interesting.

It's almost like you give yourself post no regret without doing it.

Oh, why do you like two or three burger patties? Just something that would be like, Oh, I'm so glutton. I'm not going to be all fat trying to have sex.

Chicken wings are a big one.

I'm just not going to be all like, I don't want to be having sex in here in the food. Did you bang around as my stomach.

What's the funniest thing you've ever eaten before having a night with somebody you've dated or a lady? Do you ever have a meal that comes your mind?

No. Really?

I remember one time I went to a-I've had some probably good, maybe small, unique little cookies or something, maybe something nice.

Hold the appetite.

But you never had one of those? I have a very specific memory. I went to a... God, there's three really good guitarists right now. What is his name? He's probably been on the show. Billy Strings? Billy Strings. I was out day drinking all day, and I was eating hot dogs, day drinking with my friends, which is the straightest thing you can do. Then I met up with my dad, went to a Billy Strings concert.

He's playing next month at Bridgestown. Wow.

Dude, he's iconic. He's great. He's so good live. But I remember eating a bunch of hot dogs and chicken wings, and then I went to Billy Strings with my dad. I had an edible, and I went back to my place before his girl came over, and I shit so hard, like liquid. I was like, I'm about to shower, and then I get a text, Hey, I'm here. Not good. I really had to wipe down. I had to...

The craziest is-I should have taken my ass to a car wash. Yeah, the craziest, sometimes you're almost amazed your ass can do all of that. You're like, Wow, all right. But that's growing up, man.

That really is, yeah. I was just trying to think.

I feel like-But no, I've never had a crazy meal before.

But you never had chicken wings, then indulged in some love-making?

Oh, for sure.

Yeah, but even that's a little-But nothing that stood out crazy.

I've never had any-No, like fluff. Something from India or something that came through the mail. Then I just like, Oh, let me finish off a quart and a half of this before I try and make love.

Never had clam chowder then been in someone else's clam with some chowder. Come on, deal. You never had a crazy Bro, I have a funny-ass story about you. We did a festival together in Calgary. Oh, yeah.

Where were we?

Somewhere in Canada. You were in your trailer, we were hanging out. It was me, you, and a couple of people. We're all in conversation. In the middle of the conversation, we're in your trailer. You walked to the bathroom. Blow it up.

Did I?

Blow it up.

Are you sure?

Buddy. You can cut this if you want, but it was like the greener room was a motorhome trailer, and the doors were thin. And we heard... I mean, it sounded like you were kickstarting a F-350. I mean, it was loud. And then you walk right back out and you're like, All right, so what are you doing? I don't know. You can cut that if you want, but-No, I might have a long flight or something, or who knows?

Sometimes the exchange rate on your-Oh, yeah. On your digestive track?

All the travel is-The travel, it's like your things are small and big, and you don't even know.

You eat two small things on a plane, and when you land, they weigh more because of your gravity.

It was that one. It was Vancouver, which Vancouver does have a lot of Indian food, so maybe you got spiked with a little bit of Indy.

I don't even know what happened, dude.

It was just a funny moment. Oh, yeah. That's life. That's all of us. What are we all going to pretend like, Dude, the fucking three of those people back there, guarantee, one person back there blew a bathroom up this morning. Yeah. Can we get some confirmation? Guilty. That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

People are shitting all the time. That's the craziest thing. I can't believe that there's not a report each day that tells you about it more. Well, there's toilets now that can remember when you've gone to the bathroom and everything like that. There's that new cat thing that when your cat goes to the bathroom, it'll let you know. It'll send you a thing at work. Like your cat does shit.

This is stupid. I hate it. It's called Lidl Robot. It's probably the worst app I've ever My problem is everything has- You see, you have cats. I've one, but he'd be shitting. But the thing with these- And you're getting updates about it? Oh, dude, I get his bowel movements every day. It's like when Spotify rap drops, I'm like, I don't care who Drake is. I don't care who your top artist is. It's like, you want to know what day of the week my cat shit is the hardest? It's Wednesday, brother. But the problem is everything- Do cats shit every day? I want to say so. I think they're like, I don't know when they do. Maybe like, nighttime or something. But my problem with all these apps is everything has an app now, but they're not being made by good web developers. Why do I got to have Why do I have an uppercase, lowercase password for my cat to shit?

I know. The shit fires me. Well, I think it's hard because now with AI, you could just set an AI thing to just try and scramble to figure out somebody's password, and it could just do it infinitely. That's why there's a lot of fear these days. But yeah, dude, some of that stuff. What was that thing he was just showing with that cat?

The little robot. Yeah, it shows. I could pull it up right now.

No, I believe you, dude. I'm sorry you're having to go through all that. It's just crazy that that's where we are.

What's the newest thing you bought recently that fired you up?

I haven't really bought anything. I've been looking for a house, but it's been a slow look.

Same area? Yeah. Or same city? Yeah.

I want to live in the same area, same city, but it's just been There's been some that have come by, but it's just like... Then it's hard to go look. Sometimes you get caught up at work and stuff like that, but it's been good.

What speaks you in like a new house?

I just want a little more space, a little bit more property, just a little bit more land. Not even a ton, but just a little bit more.

Would you have a farm?

I wouldn't mind maybe getting a couple of animals or something. I know my mom would like to have some animals, so maybe I could keep some if she wanted to come out and see them sometimes. That's cool. It would be nice to have a couple of horses and a dog.

A couple of editors out there.

Yeah, a couple of editors in the barn.

A couple of roosers, donkeys. Some guy's cutting clips in the back.

Feeding him hay.

Feeding him prime energy.

With the animals, dude. Dude, what did I just see? What was that thing at Rogan's? I saw this thing. Do you see Were you seeing this thing at Rogan's Club where the furries showed up and were protesting him?

Really? No.

Furries? Yeah. See if you can find that. Is this real? Protestors gather outside Joe Rogan's Comedy mothership in Austin. Rogan is Diet, Alec Jones, Never Again is Now. What does that even mean?

That was Trisha Page's backup slogan.

Never Again is Now. What were they there for? Does it say if you look in the comments or anything?

This looks like a silent disco. This is the worst protest I've ever seen. Also, it looks fun.

It does look fun. I mean, they have a Cartman out there. Yeah, what was that? A Discovery Remember the protest at Joe Rogan's County Muthership in Austin, where critics gathered to voice their opinions on the podcaster.

Well, first of all, this was on New Year's Eve, so these motherfuckers are lonely.

Yeah, that is so sad.

What are you guys doing when the ball drops? We're going to go protest the mothership?

Is that even real, I wonder, then? I don't know. It looks like it could have just been a party outside of there.

Yeah, there's two people with a sign. How many people do you need for it to be a protest? Because at one point, I'm curious about the guys who preach the gospel out front of... You go down a PPG arena and they're preaching the gospel with a sign, but it's one guy. Is that a protest or is he just schizophrenic?

That's a good point. Sometimes that's a guy just soapbox. This says here, let me see. It says, Protest was gathered outside Comedy mothership in Austin on New Year's Eve, 2025, to criticize Joe Rogan, the club's owner and podcaster. They labeled him as a Diet Alex Jones, comparing his views to one of the far-right figure Alex Jones, also based in Austin. Critics blame Rogan for dominating Austin's comedy scene since opening the club in 2023, sidelining local venues like Cold Town Theater and Capital City Comedy Club. Yeah, I don't know. Some of the demonstrators wore inflatable costumes like unicorns, dinosaurs, and cows.

Which is also Rogan's diet.

Plus an Eric Cartman impersonator from South Park while holding up signs such as Never Again is Now.

Why is he talking about Yoda? I don't get the Never Again is Now thing.

I don't know, but I think you're right when you said that it's Trisha Bates' second slogan. It's a great idea. I know, man.

That's bizarre.

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I got big in football. I'm locked in. I used to be a guy three years ago that was like, Oh, you like sports? Get a real personality, bud. Get a hobby. Do open eyes. But I got invited to a Rams game a couple of years ago, maybe two years ago, and it clicked. And it started by me just going to games. And then it started by me watching the game on your phone. Oh, yeah. You're like, a divorce, and you're just watching it. But over time, you just get locked in. And it's just like, now I'm all about it. I don't miss a game. I was just at the Rams game on Sunday against the Cardinals. And now it's to the point where it affects my day. I'm fully in. I was in denial, but it's like with nicotine or something where you're like, I'm not going to get there, dude. Not me. I'm built different. Then you have one before breakfast. But yeah, I did the chant at the Rams game, the who's house chant.

Was that scary? What was that vibe?

It was a lot of fun. I think I was definitely more amped up.

Let's see it. Pull it up.

But But I think just performance and standing is just... This is just another gig.

You're used to that part, so the nerves aren't there. But I guess off the acoustics, all that would be scary.

I will say it's like EDM and sports, they just cheered anything. I did a gig opening, lightly, I'd say, for Dylan Francis. You know Dylan? Years ago at Hard Summer, I went up as a fake DJ before his set, the headlining set. That's a great idea. So when I went up there, it was like a character, and was like, What the fuck is up, Coachella? And it was at a different music venue, and they just cheered. They were just happy. They don't even care. They hear somebody make a noise in a mic. I could have went up and went,. And they're like, Yeah. So that same energy that I got from that crowd was the same I got at the Rams when I'm just like, You yell, Who's house? You go, Rams. You're just going to get good feedback.

It is nice to be a fan of something. I became a fan of Vanderbilt. I've been a fan of LSU, and I cheer for the balls. But it's just nice to be a fan of something. It gives you something to be invested in. Let's see this. Let's see this Who's house part.

Is it in here? I can throw 40 yards. Who's house? It's so awkward just seeing it. They got to cut to- Why do I look like the Seahawks logo. They're trying to sneak a quick joke in there.

I respect. Oh, you do look like the Seahawks logo from the side right there. Yes, sir. You had your own celebration, too. I saw the... What was that cellular that he had?

Oh, this is dumb.

This is insane, dude.

Sometimes I just post something and I'm like, Man, fuck it. Because those are the ones that... That's hilarious, right? That'll either flop or do whatever.

But I saw this. That's an insane countdown celebration.

Yeah, it's crazy. Dude, Ja Morant. Can we pull up his buckets? You know Ja Morant? Yeah. For the grizzlies? Oh, yeah. We're in Tennessee. His celebrations, I can't stop talking about how... Dude, they're the funniest things in the world. The grenade.

I haven't even noticed a lot of them.

Have you seen them? When he makes a three, he does the grenade, throws it, and then covers his ears. I mean, you have to get them on the pod. The grenade covers the ears.

That is pretty clutch, bro.

Then he started doing one that's like a rocket launcher. But then he got... He gets fined for every single one of these. He did a rocket launcher. So now his new one is he'll pull out a gun and then put it down like this. He holds it and goes like, no fines here. Dude, it's so funny to me.

He doesn't give a fuck, huh? No.

He's going to find probably 10 or 30K for this. But when you're making that much, I just don't know. He puts a gun away, holsters it, puts it down. There we go. That's protecting gun violence.

That's legendary, dude. It's just funny, man. I think that even the players are getting scared of being over there. So he may need that weapon when he leaves a facility. It's crazy. The one place that should be allowed to actually have weapons in the sellies is there, I think.

Yeah, it depends on the team. If you're on the warriors, okay, that's enough. You just tweet about it. Just hit up Zuck. I'm like, This guy's bullying me online. But if you're in Memphis, yeah, you need at least a bow and arrow or the RPG. Yeah, I think you deserve that. What is Memphis like? I'm going there on my tour.

Memphis is awesome, dude. It has so much history. It's just gotten this... It's gotten a lot of danger downtown at night and in just different areas. It makes it a bummer because you can't go enjoy The vibes that are there. Graceland is really great if you get to go see Elvis's house. Okay. It's great. I've heard about that. It's great. It's worth going to see.

Wait, hold on. I'm really dumb. Elvis lived in Memphis or Graceland is on the outskirts of Memphis?

It's in Memphis, and Elvis lived there.

Elvis, in Memphis? Mm-hmm. Oh, he was probably clapping BBWs.

I don't know what it was like back then, man, but I bet it was a great mix of music and sound and culture and everything. I mean, Memphis used to be so great. Dude, if you get to stay at the hotel downtown where they have the ducks and the ducks come in every day at, I think, 4: 00 PM, the Duckmaster brings in the ducks.

Is it a military thing?

No, it's like these ducks that come in and they swim in the pond up there. The famous Peabody Ducks at the Peabody Hotel. No, I've never heard of this. The Peabody Ducks are the resident Mallard's at the Peabody Memphis Hotel, known for their daily march down a red carpet into the lobby fountain at 11: 00 AM and back to their rooftop Duck Palace at 5: 00 PM. The tradition began in 1933 when the hotel's general manager and a friend, after some whiskey, put their live duck decoy in the lobby fountain, delighting guests.

Okay. What's crazy is ducks are called ducks because they literally duck.

Yeah. It could be a couple of brothers named Duck. But these are the actual ducks. You have people come in and the duck master walks them in and the duck master live in the hotel up top.

Is he really? Yeah.

It's a beautiful place. They got a great place there where they sell like, replica suits that Elvis used to wear. I got one last time. That was the last time I was over there. Oh, wow.

It was pretty cool. Yeah, I'm excited. I'm going to do a lot of places. I've never been on my tour. And Memphis is definitely one of them.

It's going to be good. Yeah, there's great people there. It's great shows. It's just they got this, they got like, I don't know, it just gets a little bit tragic over there. Kind of shooty, that's the thing. It gets shooty at night. But there's a duck.

Like a chance of precipitation from a looger. People popping these loogers anymore. People don't use loogers anymore.

Well, that's unfortunate. But yeah, that Bust Nuts selly, dude. That shit's nice, man. Yeah, that's When do you think the first person that ever busted a nut actually was? Do you think? Can you pull that up? Wasn't it Adam?

Was it Adam?

No. Adam Lambert? No.

Like an Eve? Were they even real?

Yeah.

Adam and Eve.

They had to have been.

Somebody had to start it.

I don't think we should go down that road right now. But we can, but it just might take a long time. The earliest recorded references to ejaculation in human history appear in ancient Sumerian and Egyptian myths from around 2,500 to 2,400. It was the Somalis. These texts describe God creating rivers, deities, and the world through acts of masturbation and seminal omission.

I wonder how many people called out of work the next day once they found out about masturbation. It's like in middle school when a new video game would drop and you'd be home sick the next day when cod dropped.

Oh, if a good game dropped.

I miss it.

Dude, that shit was so nice.

You play any video games?

I Not right now. I haven't been playing them, man. I played Death of the Wild, and I played whatever the second one was.

I'm not sure I know that.

What was the second one? It was on Switch.

Oh, yeah. You're a Switch guy.

Yeah, I like Switch because I can keep with me on the go. Oh, Tears of the Kingdom. The second one was not good. It was just too involved. It was like, Bro, I don't have time for it. You had to heat everything. It was like too many things. The first one, you have to warm up your food. It's like, Okay, I'll spend a little bit of time doing that. But But this one, you had to heat up your... If you wanted your thing to fly you to warm up these days, it just was way too... It was like, Dude, what the fuck? I have a job. Shouldn't you want me to have a job? How much time would you want me to spend here? It felt like they wanted you to spend so much time there. It felt unfair.

Okay, I'll avoid it.

That's what I felt. It does chill, though, the flying. When does someone's nut actually bust? What is that about? You know what I'm saying? You I don't hear about it, but what's the exact... What is the actual...

What's the NASCAR, the way of the flag to go?

When is that? When does the nut actually bust? If you can look that up. Is it faster than the speed? Without us being on a list also. Oh, yeah.

But is it the speed of light? Do you think there's something called the speed of nut?

I mean, it's right there. It has to be something because it's really how creation started. I mean, they're saying right there that it's in ancient text that that's how the creation of rivers and lands and even people started.

How many miles per hour is it? I think that'd be something.

Let's learn. A nut bust is slang for ejaculation during masturbation or sex. It refers to the moment of orgasm when semen is released. The phrase emerged in the 1930s with nuts, meaning testicles, since the 1800s. It evolved to describing climax explosively. People use it interchangeably, and this is via perplexity, thank you. People use it interchangeably with bust a nut, often in casual or explicit talk about male orgasms. It applies specifically to masturbation in context like solo sessions.

Do you call it bust a nut or you got something fun, like release the hounds?

I'd do that one, two, one, two, three, release them. I'd do that.

Count it down. Five, six, seven, eight.

I'd do that chocolate That stud, that lady that sings at the funerals, you know? No. Who's this? You didn't see her? Maybe. Oh, this is someone I love right here.

Oh, dude, I got to show you this song. You don't know this? Speaking of grandma, play real quick.

This is the...

I got some. Oh, I do know this. I bet the other dead bodies type shit. This is good.

There's a truck going by. That's a funeral, bro. That's how it is.

That's a Hall of Fame stud suit right there. They need to hang that up somewhere in a bowling alley.

Some people thought this was Nate Robinson, dude. One, two, three. Release them. I wish it ever had. There you go right there. The balloon release. That shit was hard. She gets tired everywhere now. Shout out to her. What's her name as well? Really? She gets tired everywhere now.

She's blown up. She's about to get I'm going to fucking triple the bookings after this podcast, Rob.

She's blown up. She sings. What did she charge for this?

The release them was hard. That was literally the smoke of a DJ set.

Oh, yeah.

That was sick, man.

Nese Robinson.

Release them.

She Really popped off. One, two, three, release them. I wish that heaven had a phone to call you up. Man, that's the truth, bro. That's, I think, her own song, isn't it?

I heard a song last night. It's so good. It's about a grandma dying on Instagram What is it? Can you type in Miami something, bazooka? Bro, it's the funniest song. It's so good.

It's an AI song?

Yes. No, it's a real dude, but it's getting a lot of play right now.

Let's hear it.

This shit is hard. It might be my walkout song.

Pull up. I love this. Yeah.

I got to get a new walkout. Or plays at my funeral with the balloons. I hope we don't die for a long time, though. Type shit. Kind of a build-up.

Tennessee-type shit. Wait for it. Rest in peace, my granny, she got hit by a bazooka. C'a boom, ca-blow, ca-boon.

Wait for it.

Rest in peace, my granny, she got hit by a bazooka. Yeah, I think about it every time I hit the hooka.

C'a boom, ca-blow. Imagine this was Ja Moran highlights. I was in my room trying to teach my little sister.

Then I heard a boom and it sounded like a missile. Who that is, what that was, oh that granny. Oh, she done. What the hell? She gone. What the fuck?

That's all the part I heard. Recipes, my grandchild hit by a bazooka. Honestly, if my grandma died by a bazooka, I mean, that's a sick way to go out.

Well, there's only so many ways to go, bro. I've always said once I die, I want my body to be shot out of a cannon into a schoolyard of kids that are playing. They don't know I'm coming. Really? Right? Shot over the fence or whatever, right?

Oh, your body or are you cremated?

My body, no. Oh, nice. Yeah. The first kids that come up and touch my body gets everything that I have.

That's like a Mr. Beast games. Yeah. Or you should be a field goal for Vanderbilt. Like your body gets shot through the T-shirt canon through it.

I think it would be cool if you got put into a special thing in a T-shirt canon and they shot you out or something. They should do shit like that.

I've been preaching this for a minute. There's so many cool agenda reveals where they do all this stuff, but you've never seen a viral cremation. I'm sick and tired. I've been writing a bit about it, but I want my ashes to get blown out of the exhaust of a I want to do half and half. Top part cremated, bottom half, open casket. I want to do half and half.

Coming to see that jump.

Yes, sir. I love that. But nobody's doing fun stuff with the ashes. It's always like, Oh, let's go to Mount Rushmore. So she can be close to an old president.

I've been there, and it's not that great. They do have good ice cream, but yeah, it's not worth going all the way to drop your ashes. I agree. Do something great. Surprise people at a party. There you go. Do this Civil War type shit. Do a re-out of a cannon.

Here we go. Where Where are you getting your ashes blown out?

I don't know. It's a good question.

Honestly, a strip club would be far. Just doing it with ashes.

Let Ja Morant throw them out. He would do it, dude. He has all those famous strip club scenes. Go back to the other thing, though. This is good. Ejaculation speed varies, but sources cite average speeds around 27 to 28 miles per hour. That's like two bird scooters. Or up to 45 kilometers per hour, while sperm itself can move faster, When I was reaching 70 km/h, though it slows significantly inside the female reproductive track, women will slow anything down. Spees are measured in bursts during contractions.

I do a damn makeup while I'm in this. I always think about this.

But average ejaculation around 27 to 28 miles per hour, bro.

If it was a baseball, I feel like I could hit it. How fast is that? I feel like I could hit that.

Yeah, because-27 miles an hour? Yeah, you could hit it. If somebody threw a bunch of sperm at you, you could hit it.

Because the MLB is doing what? 90?

If you're a complete gay weirdo, you could fucking...

But I'm thinking if it was a fast ball.

Oh, I just say ball and just catch it. That's the gayest thing you could do.

I was just thinking, well, this shit is I'm really, really gay. I low-key want to drive a car 27 miles an hour down the street right now just so I can comprehend how fast it is.

Well, I will say this. If you got on the very hood, say somebody drove it, 27 miles an hour, you get on the hood and you get your wiener just above the front of the hood and you bust for a... Like a Buick. Or say you go about 25 miles an hour. If you bust, it should stay in front of you guys just a little bit. Now, that would be pretty awesome to see. That's something you guys just start doing, man. You could use that to raise money for the military.

Bro, they need to start doing that for Dude Perfect.

Yeah, dude. Because, dude, you're already perfect. You're fucking shooting these bitches off of the mall. You're shooting them off of a burning shopping mall into a children's daycare.

And then they speed up and it gets all over you.

Dude, you're already perfect. Those guys are already perfect. Somebody tell them. They're doing hook shots from the-Hooks from Ukraine? Yeah, from Ukraine and landing them in Russia. You're doing great, dude. Yeah.

It should just be called Dudes Done It.

They've done it. Yeah, you've done it. So start doing other cool shit. What is this? Ma'am flips over Corvette driving at 30 miles per hour. Okay, let's watch it.

I got people on the bus. And Matt.

Oh, wow. It sounds like it hit his legs.

It did. Something hit.

If that's even real.

He did a flipper. That regardless is pretty cool.

Is there an exact moment that the nut actually busts?

Does it It takes longer to come out with a bigger hog because it's got more travel space? Or does that propel it like a slide?

Shouldn't you already know that?

I don't study hogs.

That's true. But if-I'll tell you it doesn't.

No? It's the same speed?

I think so. I've never seen a small hog do it.

But wouldn't it have to travel more?

Penis size doesn't directly dictate ejaculation time. Some studies link larger glands volume to faster ejaculation, while Trevor's, nothing to see here, Trevor. While all those findings, like those are... Yeah, I don't think it matters that much, man.

I'm going to tell that to a woman.

But you want to see something travel at 27 to 28 miles an hour in a minute? That's not a bad line.

It's not that at all. What do you think we get at the 30?

Hey, come over. You want to see this?

You got a speed gun.

You ever meet someone-Yeah, you want to use this cop gun on this?

You ever meet somebody and wonder, how are you the sperm that made it?

Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, you realized there was a slim group of racers. Oh, yeah.

They were racing on an off day. Or there must have been some bad weather that day. But sometimes I'm like, how are you the sperm that beat everyone else?

Oh, yeah. There's some people that shouldn't beat people. Yeah. There's some people that shouldn't be people for sure.

Whose top three people you would like to take out or that don't need to be people? It can be a type of person. Or not like a race, but like somebody who works at like a...

Let me think.

Like a barista or something.

Probably this gay dude that gave my friend a high on maneuver when we were high on LSD at a Waffle House when we were kids. He did too much.

He wasn't even choking.

We don't know if he was.

Clocking him from the back.

I mean, he did a lot. It was a lot.

Really? Tell me about that. He was choking?

Yeah, we were on LSD. We went there and we saw a black gay guy. We'd never seen it before, so we didn't even know what to do. We were like, no.

This is in Covington?

Yeah. We're like, No way, or whatever. We're freaking out, and we're already freaking out. We're probably-LSD. 15 LSD, Waffle House, just sitting there rattling.

How did you know he was a little-He was wearing like, flair and shit.

They didn't even have flair, really. He was wearing a lot of exciting flair. Like light-up shoes. Yeah, just shit that was like, yeah. His dick was probably glow in the dark or whatever. You could just feel like... It felt like something warm was coming out of his pants. If you got close to you, it felt like it was warm in the front of his pants.

Okay, I hear.

But anyway, my friend started choking, I think. Also, we were laughing so hard because we were just so high. He started heimlicking him, and he just kept doing it. It was I was crazy, dude. I was laughing so hard. I was like, tears were flying out of my... I couldn't even try to save my friend. I was laughing. And then I just pulled up. My friend was small, and he just kept doing it to him. But anyway.

But you'd take How did it came out?

I think we should have a talk. Okay. I think that was a lot. I saw that you just went to Africa, dude.

Yeah, that was pretty fun.

Were you touring over there?

No.

You go with your girl?

No, I was with my family. I It was literally just... It was one of those things where a year ago, my mom texted family group chat, which is a pretty boring chat. Somebody's got to spice it up. My mom just texted and goes, Hey, would you guys want to go to Africa as a family? I was like, Yeah, I'm down. And then it comes nine months later. Hey, you got to get these shots. You're going. This is a thing. I'm like, Oh, fuck, this is actually happening. And yeah, I got five shots and then went with family, just did a bunch of safari stuff, and it was pretty cool.

Were you glad you did?

Yeah, definitely. I think it was fun because I haven't done a family trip in over a decade. So it was fun to just be with my parents and my sister for the first time, actually doing something in a while. But it's so funny that it's like my brain is so brainwrapped. There's literally a lion eating a zebra in front of me, and I'm like, Yeah, but you could see this on reels. It was definitely cool. It was very surreal seeing... Because the safaris are all at...

I don't even know. Were you guys in Kenya? Where'd you Yeah, Kenya. Savo, Ambasale, which one? You guys went to go to one of those?

I'm not sure which one, but we were in all around the outskirts of Nairobi, and it's like each one would be three hours. So all these are in sanctuaries where the hotel is, and then you travel around the hotel. But traveling from hotel to hotel, that's really where you see the real side of Africa. And that was very... I want to say, probably the best sense of community I've ever seen. Everybody's just outside doing something. Oh, I went on a hot air balloon. That was Have you ever been on a hot air balloon?

No, I don't know if I have.

You'd know. It was honestly the coolest thing I've ever done. What's crazy is when the fire is going to propel you, it's loud as hell. But when it's not, it's dead silent. And this is at 7: 00 AM. So you're just sitting there in the sky in silence. But seeing the communities was so interesting because-Dude, that's sick. Everybody's outside. Nobody's really hanging on their phones, which-Well, some people might not have phones, and they don't have air conditioning, too. Yeah. But it's also part of the culture just being alive and seeing what's going on. But everybody was either like, no matter where you were going, there were just people just walking. There's always some... I don't know, man. It was really a cool perspective to see. I'm seeing elephants this close in front of me, and I'm acting like this is normal.

Yeah. That's beautiful, man.

It was actually really beautiful, and I had a great time. I'm trying to think about funny stuff that happened out there, if any.

That's amazing. And do they have a lot of the wiggas over there or anything like that?

Or is it not that? Just me, but not that I... No.

Because that's where they would really be at, because otherwise, that's an American thing then, I guess.

I don't know if I I don't see any local white people.

But I'm just saying they got to have some. If they do, are some of them...

Well, I think they go there in disguise, taking notes, and then once they go back over here? Yeah. They're like a secret spy for back home.

What about Mgk? You think he's one or no?

I think graduated. Yeah, once you put a paper clip in as an earring, I think you've graduated.

I think he had passed. Bayly Zimmerman is one.

Is he? I don't know. I'm not super familiar with his music, but I know he's very popular. Who else out there is-I don't know.

But I'm just saying if they don't have a mayor, then it's an American thing or it's a British thing.

What are we talking about? Wiggas.

What are you talking about?

I don't know. I was trying to think about other artists who might get allegations.

No, I'm just saying Elton John was one, even though he never-Was he really? I think he was just from his style. For sure, Elton John was a Wigger.

I think he was more on the Wiggles side of things.

I think he was more on the Wiggles side of things. I think it's very close. If you wiggle enough, a brother will show up. I think you wiggle enough, somebody's going to cornrow your hair and light a fucking blunt for you.

Who's the O-G, would you say?

The Ogie? I mean, Would it be Elvis? Oh, it's a good call. Michael Rappaport was one, I think, in his day, for sure.

Who's that guy? Gianni?

Gianni Paolo?

He's the front runner. He's Heisman.

He's Heisman, for sure. We go to the I see fights all the time. He is high as a man.

Every time I see a photo of him, his chains get bigger and bigger.

They get stolener and stolener. That's a great... Oh, yeah. He gets them stolen? Yeah, this shit has been fucking.

Dude, we're boys on Instagram. I've never met him in real life, but every time I see him, he's flexing more and more money. I'm like, How many episodes of power were you on?

The best, bro. He's going to need some power to fuck it. He's going to need some power to keep people off his chains, bro.

Did he get snatched like that?

I think it happens a lot within the culture. It's part of the culture. It's like...

He almost seems like a sting operation.

It's like capture the flag. Some people say he's a fed. Some people say he snitched on Ditty. Ditty? I don't know. But I've just heard a lot of that shit. Some people say he's a fed. I mean, look at him.

But he's got to be the highsman for that community.

I think if you had every year, they should heisman up a Wigga, I think. Yeah.

Who do they got for 2025? I think this guy is a candidate.

I think you put Mgk in there, though. I don't think... Mgk is his own thing, though. I would say... He's just multifaceted.

I think I think Rife's up there a little bit fresh off Wild and Out.

Oh, Matt Rife, definitely. Off the Wild and Out days a little bit. But the abs, you can't have great abs and not be Wigga.

Now, he's more like- I think Rife has Wigga in him.

Or HW Hiden Wigga, they call it. I'm trying to think of who else. Oh, maybe that… Oh, Dan Bunguino, Tim Walls. Tim Dylan, maybe. Tony the Tiger, probably. That guy that was in Salt. Salt burn? Salt burn, but not the main guy. Barry Keoghan? Barry Keoghan.

Is he?

I could see it. He's Irish. Almost all Irish people are.

All right. I feel like there's some obvious ones that I'm missing.

Oh, I thought that was a picture of damn...

I think Chalamet is a little bit.

He could low-key have something in him. I thought this was a picture of... Who are those lion tamers in Vegas?

Penn and Teller?

No. Fuck. I thought that was Sigfried and Roy.

Oh, I thought that was like Sigmund Freud.

I didn't even know, dude. But no, I'm just glad to know what's happening out there. Dude, did you see when Speed, I show speed raced that Cheetah? Mm-mm.

Dude, Did he beat it?

Pulled it up. How fast is Cheetah's running?

Because the real speed is what can go fast, are a Cheetah or not?

We'll find out right now. Let's see that.

We're about to race a Cheetah. Come on, baby.

What the fuck you see Did he get that? It scratched him. What the fuck?

Wait, I'm lost. Wait, so how fast was... It said 110 miles an hour. That's just not real.

It said the Cheetah hit up to 92 miles an hour at some point. I don't know if that was... I mean, these are all edits, but still, the fact that he raced a Cheetah is wild. What's an animal you could race and beat, you think? Rooster.

But if they're not flying?

If they're only running? They can't fly.

But they can jumpstart a little bit.

They go nine miles an hour. Yeah, I could beat I don't know, nine miles? Do you run nine miles in an hour?

Throughout the day, yeah.

That's not throughout the day, bro. It's in one hour. You only get one hour. You only get one part of a day.

Nine miles in an hour.

They can briefly reach up to 15 miles an hour when they're flapping their wings. Me, too.

I could beat a rooster off a 40-yard dash if he's not using his wings. What about you?

I don't know. I'm trying to think of an animal that I could read.

I think anything at A pet co. That's not true. Anything that's caged at a pet co.

A pony I could beat.

Pony?

I don't know. Small ponies are quick.

No, ponies are fast.

That's a good question. What's a good animal I could beat? Probably something that's been using.

Yeah. Can we see what animals run beneath 10 miles per hour? Because I think I could run 10 miles an hour for a minute 30. I don't know what that math is, but I could do that.

Many animals run below 10 Sloss, giant tortues, koalas, banana slugs, snails. These all suck.

First of all, what the hell is under the manatees? What the hell is a woodcock?

Yeah, I'll fight a woodcock.

What is that?

I don't know. It's a good question.

That's who should be starting the OF in the military.

American Woodcock. Oh, yeah, I'll race that thing. Look at the fucking beer belly on that thing. Oh, yeah. He needs to lay up the loggers. I'll race the balls off of that little midget. I'll I'm going to have to get a piece of balls off. That little air twink. Look at that thing. I'll serve some seed right out of my fucking wiener to that thing, boy. I don't know how-Dude, would you let that thing fucking reach into your wiener to get a piece of seed? Look at that. Look at that spout on him.

I feel like that would hurt. But if I was under anesthesia, I guess. What? If they were already- Change, bro. If I had to get a colonoscopy and they're already doing that, you're like, all right.

I'd let him fucking just sniff in there for a second and see what's going on, bro. It's like the canary in the coal mine. Yes, sir.

Well, I think he should be doing more the gyno stuff. The contraptions they have to use to check out the insides of a woman, they seem so industrial. They seem like they found it in a warehouse in a GMC in 1960s. It's like a clamp. It also feels disrespectful to the woman where they're like, Yeah, we just got to go and open up in there. This is a transam?

Yeah, they use one of those things that they used to use to lift your It's a car up. Yeah. But to keep a fire going. Sometimes they'll use an accordion. I know, it's tough. It's definitely ridiculous. We don't need to look at all that. That's crazy. Well, it's also...

That bird is what it's replicating, I feel like. That bird does the gynos of the nest.

That bird's a party bird. You saw 6ix9ine is going to the same prison as Maduro. Did you see that?

He's in there with Luigi, Diddy, Maduro. I don't know if that's true, but I saw it on a meme.

That's crazy. But I guess it makes sense to keep Mallman's same prison. Let me see what the 6ix9ine and Maduro are in the same jail cell.

Arrested President Maduro and his wife.

That's crazy, right?

All right, so it's a mad thing. So I got the call. I love how he's doing PR for jail. He's doing a podcast run to promote jail. Why didn't get the call? Somebody texted me saying that they think that when they send me to prison on Tuesday, me and Maduro is going to be in the same unit. But do you think he's going to prison for PR? What charges is he there for?

That's a great question. What charges is he there for? I wonder if he'd be a good guest whenever he gets out, you think. Yeah.

Have you ever met him?

I never met him. Rapper, Takashi 6ix9ine has faced various charges, primarily stemming from his association with the nine Trey bloods. What's he going to jail for right now? Jail sentence in early 2026. Received another three-month sentence for new violations, including having cocaine and ecstasy in his Miami home and punching a man who taunted him. Well, sometimes you got to do that. But damn, yeah, I think it could be interesting just to see what his life is like and stuff.

They should give him a Twitch stream from jail.

Yeah.

I feel he's on a run here.

That'd be wild. Well, I just feel like everything is going to start merging. They're going to have to start funding. If the government can't keep things going, everything is going to have to be funded privately or by people. I wouldn't be surprised if you start to see Twitch streams from jail. I wouldn't be surprised if you start to see the army or the military start to have stream or have content. I just think that that stuff is going to grow a lot.

I'll be on TikTok Live and it'll just pop up. And there's always, and if you're chronically online, you've seen this, on TikTok, they'll just show a bar. It's just like, behind the bartender, and he's just working, and there's just a bar. For what? And they're monetizing that. They're just showing security camera of places and just getting money from it.

Oh, dude, I used to watch these different funerals from different countries You could watch Indian funerals and stuff, and they'd have streams of it on YouTube or just long clips of it. It's neat to have a thing you can just watch.

It just blows my mind, the effect of live. If somebody was like, Hey, here's a 20-minute video, I I don't want to watch that. But they're like, Here's a stream, you'll end up watching 20 minutes in the blink of an eye.

Well, let's go a little bit more into that prison. Who else was in there? Who else has been in there? Is there any articles on it? Here we go. Is Hasbuna in there? Hall of Fame.

Was he in or out of jail? He's got those Riko charges.

Hasbuna? Yeah, doesn't he? He has a twin sister. You know that? No, I didn't know this. Hasbuna has a twin sister. Yes, Hasbuna Magomerov was arrested in his native Dagostan in May 2023 for traffic violations. Of course. He couldn't reach the pedal. What are we even talking about? Including blocking a road and doing donuts with friends while celebrating a wedding.

Bro, put him in a waymo and call the day.

First of all, you have to know that if he gets into a car, he just shut the road down for a couple of minutes.

Lessons of Fisher Price, what car was he whipping in?

He was released under house arrest after being granted bail and had to wear an ankle monitor around his neck. No way.

They just turned him into a Rottweiler. Do you think being on house arrest- I made that part up.

He later apologized for the incident, stating he wasn't driving and promised it wouldn't happen again. I love that in their country, there's such a code of honor. You can just at least promise that it won't happen again.

That's awesome. Do you think being on a house rest as a smaller person is nice?

I bet it's nice, especially for a busy guy like him, because he just gets a little bit of time to himself.

How Sharpton is locked up.

Notable inmates that have been held MDC Brooklyn. Oh, it has been. Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn has gained significant notoriety for housing in an unusually high concentration of high-profile federal defendants, including Maduro, Luigi Mangione, Diddy, R. Kelly, Sam Bankman-Fried, El Chapo, Michael Cohen, Ghislaine Maxwell, Martin Schrelle, and Al Sharpton. Wow. If you care, it's Sam Bankman-Fried. Sam Bankman-Fried. I just thought it was funny that he named him. It was like his two last names were the two things that he was. He was like this bankman, and then he was also fried all the time. It's right there. To me, it was like the most perfect- He's in jail for...

What did he do again?

He might be out now. Sam Bankman He was convicted and sentenced to 25 years in prison while for orchestrating massive fraud at his crypto exchange, FTC, found guilty of seven counts, including wire fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud. Yeah, he's in there. So he'll be in there for a while.

I feel like the NFT people are... Nfts got so swept under the rug, but there were so many people who pulled massive money from that and just... They made like NFT clubs, NFT like...

And then that all just disappeared.

Yeah, and nobody talks about it.

Did you see the new... This is the new way that they're thinking that in Incarceration could happen. This is with AI and technology. This is fascinating. See if you can find that story of the pods.

What is this?

Yes, the future of incarceration.

This is no longer about us, honestly. I think it's too late, but it's about our generations to come, your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren. There is a company called Cognify. If you Google it and watch their video, and it's the future of incarceration, is what it's titled. With this Cognify system, let's say you do a crime, or maybe you act out against the government, or you have a belief system that is not consistent with the country that you live in, and you are prosecuted for a crime, by their definition, you will then get an opportunity to choose. Let's just use this for hypothetical, a measily petty theft. You can spend 50 years in prison, or you can go through the Cognify process, which in three minutes, they will imprint memory set. Let's say there was someone who was even harmed by the crime that you did. You will be able to feel the emotions of your victim, the emotions that the family members went through, all of that. You will be forced to have the empathy, and you will feel like you've been imprisoned for 25 years or whatever it may be, but it's only three minutes.

Fuck that. They need that shit for when my girlfriend comes up to me after she had our period the next day and goes, I'm so sorry about last night. I'm on my period. Okay, well, you need to feel what I was feeling last night for getting yelled at.

Get into the Cognify machine. But, dude, eventually, if they have an at home, then that'd be crazy. But this is saying, this is like reverse icebathing.

You sit in this and feel awful about yourself.

But this is saying that if you did a crime, and if you could... I'm guessing it's probably going to be something you have to afford. If you could afford Cognify, then you'd be able to go and serve your sentence in Cognify. You would have all the things that would really feel like in your brain had happened. In five minutes, you could do 20 years.

That's so fascinating because one, you could pay off the guy who hits the buttons, and then there's like, All right, here we go. Then you're like, Oh, oup, oup, oup.

It's hurting. Well, I think here it says, Cognify is a futuristic prison concept proposed by scientist Hashem Al-Ghaia.

He's the newest member of Phase Client, by the way.

Yeah. That uses AI and brain implants to replace long sentences with brief, intense rehabilitation. It's almost like an EMDR, but extremely deep into your brain. Ai-generated memories, artificial, vivid memories are created by AI to simulate the impact of a crime on victims. Dude, this should be crazy. Inmates experience years of remorse and understanding in a short time, allowing for quicker release and reintegration. I mean, it makes sense because that's what you're supposed to be there for. I just wonder how long would that stay? What if you just go in a prison for a little while and it's just a bunch of... You don't learn anything. It's just a bunch of dudes that run a train on you or whatever. That would be my scary thing.

That's what I'm saying. You use up for three minutes and now you're just limping.

What if you get out and you're like... And then your wife lies. She's like, Yeah, I left while you were gone. You were gone so long.

I was gone for two songs on Spotify. Yeah, dude. Well, that's the interesting part.

What the fuck? And your son's like, Yeah, we have a new stepdad. You're like, What? Bro, that would be the scary thing is what if they just bring you back and like, Oh, yeah, man, you just got a couple of MS 13 guys got a hold of you, and now you're like El gay or whatever. That would be the scariest part to me, bro.

The crazy part is if they're doing this in three minutes, it's like you leave your house at 10: 00 AM. You're like, Oh, I committed this crime. I'm so sorry. You come back, you're back at noon, and all of a sudden, you have all the remorse for burning down in Arby's. Now you're like, I didn't think the fry cook was still in there. Now you just have this feeling of regret the rest of your life, but you still have the rest of your life to...

But it's a shortcut. It'll be a shortcut. I think it'll be for people that can afford it because here's what you'll be able to do. The Arby's family, they'll have some Other part of it that's an attorney part of it where it's like, okay, you can make due right now. You can pay restitution. You burn down the Arby's. You killed a fried cook and someone in the drive-through refused to leave without their order, even though the place was burning down, and one other counterperson. You can settle out of court with them all right now for $300,000. Then it's just going to be this fast track thing. It's like, yeah, you're off the hook and you feel the remorse and you keep living.

If you shoot someone, would you feel that person's pain?

I think they just want you to feel... So you would feel the pain of their family members and stuff like that. They would have ways that they could embed that into you.

Yeah, I would fuck you up. I mean, both of those would fuck you up for life. But what do you do? Like, tag fraud. Whose pain is that?

You killed some people at an Arby's. You should have just... Absolutely.

Right. It should fuck you up.

Yeah, you shouldn't be off Scott free.

How would that work with tax fraud? The government's... No.

That's a good point. Maybe they wouldn't allow it for certain crimes. Or if they were able to get the money back from you. I'm not sure. That's a good question.

How fast would they do that? I feel like... I don't know. That's crazy. But they probably are finding ways to speed up prison sentences, but still have the same effects.

Well, it seems archaic the way that we do it. It's like this guy's in there for 50 years, nothing ever had. It goes through all these boards and it's never... So long. It's just like such a drain on the system. I'd love to find out more about that because I know a lot of it is just some money laundering thing. Yeah.

Have you ever been to a prison?

I don't think I have. I've been in a jail. What's the difference? I've never been to a prison. A jail is just a little gay-ass prison. Nobody's even getting gayed out or whatever in it. It's just people waiting for lunch and shit.

People waiting for dick.

Jails are local short term facilities for those awaiting trial or serving sentences. You can't even find a gang in a jail. You can find one dude that will Like a pen pal to another gang. You can find one dude who might fucking slip half a hersheys under your door at night or whatever. But there's no long term institution there. Those are more for prisons.

Yeah, because they do so many tours when you go to different When you go to different cities, you want to see where Elvis lives, I think they should tour jails for income. I'm just curious what's going on in there. I want to do an episode of Scared Straight, but I just want to see what's going on. I'm just curious. If there was a jail livestream on Twitch, I would watch every day. It's just like you never hear about anything there. To watch it, it almost feels illegal.

Well, there's a lot of shows about it now that people are into that type of view, and I think for sure, dude. I don't know if I'd be good in jail, dude. I wouldn't. No? I'd fucking hate it. Unless my cellmate, we could start a little band or something, I don't think I would be that good in there. If I had something to look forward to as a group or whatever. Yeah.

What would you do if you got to approach by gang members?

I'd have to join. You could me think about it for a day or two, but they're only going to probably give you two days. Yeah, I would treat it like I was a record label and I was a rapper out there.

I'm just seeing what other offers I get.

I think I would blind myself for something. So nobody's going to hurt a blind guy, I think.

I feel like, unfortunately, they That's the number one target because you can't snitch. So what did he feel like? Knuckles.

Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know.

That'd be scary to me. I don't know, man. I guess, yeah, you'd have to join a gang. I would probably go Mexican gang. I feel like the food might be better. I don't know. I don't know if black gangs are making food in there. I don't know.

What's the worst gang to join in there?

Prison gangs in the United States. Arian Brotherhood, Black Guerrilla Mafia, Mexican Mafia, La Nuestra Familia, Texas Syndicate. That sounds like new and novel.

All these sound like a really good NFL League.

And the Nettas. For the XFL. Oh, yeah.

All versus- If they bring the XFL back, start with these teams.

The Tennessee type shit, dude. Put them in there.

Tennessee fightings.

Dude, they should have more. They got to start putting these people in the teams, doing something.

There's got to be a better way to- It's all going to happen, man.

Everything's merging. Everything's getting weird. Yes, it's all becoming Long John Silvers and Bask and Robbins, dude. It's all becoming the army fans. It's all starting to merge. We're going to start to see this stuff a lot.

But I think they should take all the inmates and give them some athletic thing to look forward to, and then stream it. I would absolutely watch the Texas Synecate versus the Puerto Ricans.

Oh, yeah. If you had a basketball game tonight- That's what I'm saying. It was a lot of new ways you're familiar versus the Arian Brotherhood at 9: 00 PM, first one to 11, no three-pointers. I would fucking watch that in a heartbeat.

I feel like the A-B is only hitting threes. They're not doing the work in the pain.

It beats the big three fucking league in a heartbeat. But you should put one of these leads into the big three league. They got to start to just diversify.

But I'm saying, if these guys even just play that might bring some unity. It's like UFC. They talk shit before the fight. Then after the game, they dap up. They're like, I have nothing more respect for this guy. I love this guy. Maybe there could be some of that where if they're playing each other, they're shit talking, sure. But afterwards, it's like, Hey, type shit. Then they could stream it and you could watch it on Rumbble or Paramount Plus or something. But I feel like-Oh, yeah.

nick Fuentes would host it, probably. I think he would probably do it, especially if it's on Rumbble. He's like their lead guy over there.

Yeah. There has got to be a way because Because they would also probably feel like, imagine being in jail, but every day you're training for a game on Saturday. You have something to look forward to.

I agree. You have the stars and shit. Even though you're a murderer, you still like, yeah.

You murder them threes, bitch. Boom. From downtown because shots went in downtown.

He's a killer. Yeah. Shots fired. That's one of his names.

Dude, they'd have cool-ass names, too. Stabby for three. Yeah.

Like Bobby Lee always makes that sound.

Before we get out of here-We have a special coming up. I'm shooting one in March. I'm shooting a special on March 17th and 14th in Arizona.

In Phoenix.

Yeah, in Phoenix. Nice. Super excited. It's going to be sick. Phoenix is just a great comedy town. I'm really excited.

I might go shoot my special there, maybe. It's not a bad idea.

It's a great city. It's a great city. You're out here now, but it's so close to LA. I just never... Some states, I'll say Ohio is a hit or miss state for me. Sometimes, this is the best show in my life, I'm a special, or you're like, Cool, give me to the top of La Quinta with cement shoes. You're always in between. I am on tour right now. I'm doing the Rhymen tomorrow. If you wanted to do a spot, I would love to have you on that. I'd be sick as fuck.

Yeah, man. Maybe I'll pop out. I haven't been on stage in a while. Really?

Yeah. Dude, the crowd would just literally nut 28 miles per hour to see you do five minutes.

But Phoenix- All right, I'll come out. Phoenix-i'll come out. Yeah.

Then I'm doing the Will Turn, which I opened for you at the Will Turn a couple of years ago. That's a great spot. Yeah, I'm doing a bunch.

I have like 30- You got Ventura, Cleveland. You got a A lot of good spots.

Yeah, all California. I'm doing Reno. I'm doing a lot of places I've never done before, like Oakland, Reno, Memphis, Fresno, Bakersfield, San Luis, Abyspo, Sagamal.

You guys got to go see them, man. It's a great... It's just entertaining. It's great energy, the whole set. Yeah, dude, you're so great up there, bro. Make sure to send me this, too, so I can share it on socials, too, whenever after today or after this episode goes up.

Oh, yeah, please.

That'd be awesome. In your tour, it's called Trevor Wallace presents Alpha Beta Mail.

Alpha Beta Mail. Yeah, just because I I feel like my brain is split in between being this alpha male versus this beta male. I find just more unity between both of them. I feel like every decision I make has an alpha side versus beta side in me. It's not like one of those red pill, blue pill type shows, but it is just a funny thing to be like, people are you this or you're that? I feel like I'm in between.

Yeah. A lot of fun there. Yeah, dude. I think it also happens as you grow up a little bit, too. It's like you get two sides of it. It's like there's days when you're like, Yeah, it's always used to be like, I'll bust a nut wherever. You know what I'm saying? I'll bust a nut at this fucking party or whatever. I'm like, What the fuck? Dude, I remember I went to a one-year-old's birthday party. This is at a time when I was dealing with sobering and relapsing. I went to a one-year-old's birthday party and ended up buying cocaine there somehow. From the one-year-old? No, from an adult.

They're like, Blow the candles, and you hear the word blow, and you're like, Where?

Yeah, I don't know. I just got to show you. Anything can happen out there, man.

I just feel like my brain has... It's more so like there's a second guessing element to almost everything that I do, where it's the example I say on stage is I've had this thought before. I wanted to spit in a girl's mouth, but then another thought was like, But what if I miss? But that's not how dirty talk works. That's not how being hot in the bed works.

It's like, you just do it. Yes. You have to be that.

You have to be present. Or I'm scared to slap a girl's ass in the bed because I'm like, sometimes you don't get the pop. Oh, I hate that.

You get When you get the dud, it sounds like you're just trying to get the dog on the couch.

For me, I'm trying to like... So I overthink everything.

It's so embarrassing, too, when you get this dud. Because they hear it.

They hear it, too. A good person you're dating won't address it. A bitch will be like, The fuck?

Or that's when you have to yell out, That was loud, huh?

Or that's when you yell out, be like, You probably need some lotion. It's a little dry back here. Yeah, damn. Or you do what dads do when they're moving into a house and they just start checking, How's the structure? Getting a dud is... But literally, that's all my thought process is. There's a part of my brain that's like, Slap ass. But then the other parts, it's like, What if you get a dud?

Yeah, what if you miss a little? You get a little fire, you hit that bone. That's a crazy. That's a salt.

It's literally a salt.

Yeah, dude. Then you're like, How am I going to bust at 27 miles an hour now?

Then it comes out like 12 miles an hour. Dude, I'm probably one of the most in of my head guides I can be. Once I start thinking about that, and this is more graphic, but we're pretty deep into the podcast. If I start thinking, Oh, no, I'm not going to be able to bust, then I can't. It's all mental for me. If a girl even says, Are you going to be able to? Then it's out the window because now it's all I'm thinking about. Or if I get too hot, I got to run to the fucking sink like a little gopher.

Oh, if the AC comes on or whatever? Oh, yeah. Well, the AC is a little G-A-Y, blown on your back. Well, the fan People who could come with a fan on, I thought, Those are Navy Seals, dude. Anybody who can have-Probably Air Force. Yeah, I said this on stage. It's like, Anybody who can have sex with a fan on is a fucking... Yeah, that's Air Force, dude. Bro, you deserve to have an OnlyFans and support our country.

Why would you want to make the room colder to now? That's going to make things probably smaller, I'm guessing.

Oh, but it's just crazy to have just anybody who could have sex with a fan on is insane.

It's literally like a cuck situation because you're like, who's this other man in the room? Oh, yeah, it's a I'm a ceiling fan.

Yeah, I couldn't do it. A lot of pressure, dude.

But I do that with everything career-wise. I overthink everything.

But it helps you do your meticulous. That's what it is. It is. It keeps you where you are. It's like your career started off so hot, and a lot of times you see guys like that, and it's hard for them to figure it out. How long were you doing content before you got on a stand-up?

I was doing stand-up first. Oh, you were? Yeah, but maybe- But you've still only been doing it now?

What? Seven years?

Ten. Oh, have you really?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. I'm losing every-No, No, you're good, man.

You're good. I don't know why you'd know that. How is everything going with Bus Boys?

Bus Boys is good, dude. It's going to come out in a couple of weeks. No, it's going to come out in a couple of months. Really? I think we're going to go in the theaters. Oh, fuck it. And then it looks like, and we're figuring that out right now, and then we'll probably go direct to consumer to direct to people.

Any streamer? I don't know. That probably happens after you go to theaters and then a buyer. We'll see.

I think it's also you have to present to them when it's fully done and To show them what it looks like. So it's been a learning curve. It's been a lot. It's been a lot of stuff. You realize it's like, oh, this is a big undertaking. But I realized it could be a lot easier next time. Yeah. And we had a lot of things that were in the way and made things tough, too. Like the fires, moved everything at the last minute by a week, and just all these little things that change everything. But learned a ton. Self-financed it. We made it ourselves and wrote it ourselves and completely... So That part, I think I feel really excited about. I think it's good. You've seen it so many times. You're like, I don't even know what's going on here. You're in it.

I'm in it.

It's been so long.

I'm so happy that I got a tap for that. I watched the full thing, and I think the storyline is so there. It's dumb to say, but you're like, Yeah, this is a movie. It's not like somebody who tried to make a movie. It's like, This is a movie. This is a start-to-finish movie. The storyline, I was impressed.

It's not groundbreaking, but also it was our first time doing it. It was like, We had to make sure that this piece matches with this piece. But I do think it moves quick, and it was funny. It was a lot of great cameos and stuff in it.

I love the cameos. The cameos are great, man. But yeah, even when I saw the trailer, Spade showed me at the improv between all of his Raya matches, but he showed me. No, he does. No, he does.

He's got them.

But even the trailer, as dumb as it sounds, I'm like, Dude, this is a movie trailer. Even if I had... I don't even know. I could just be a random guy with a radio check and I watch them like, Dude, this fucking movie looks sick. It feels everything like a movie. So any doubt you have, just because I know you're very...

You feel a lot. I think a lot. Yeah. I don't want to slap the bone. Right.

But as an outsider perspective, you're like, Dude, this is a fucking movie, movie, movie. So the fact it's going into the theaters and then direct... I'm fired. I'm excited.

You think I should feel confident about that?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, dude. There it is. We are right there. There it is, yeah.

It was fun. I can't even believe it all happened.

Right.

I mean, it was a crazy time in the air, and it just all happened so fast. It was 23 days in a row we shot, and it was just a fucking... It was a lot, dude. But you crushed it. We got to do something again. Please, man. Let's get this out so we can make a new one type It's it.

I know. And that's the thing. I have so many ideas that I hold on to, and I shoot it for so long. By the time I go to pose, I'm like, What the fuck even is this? So art has an expiration date. It feels like for the artist. But once you put it out there, it's like how you felt making it. That's how it should be I've received a little bit. What is that book? I'm blanking on his name. It's a great book with the circles on it. Rick Rubin.

Have you read that book? Mm-mm.

What's it called?

He's great, though.

He has a book, and it's all about just the creative act. Dude, I really love this book.

The creative act, A Way of Being.

I would check it out. Have you had him on the pod?

I haven't. He would be a great guest. I would like to. I see some great clips of him.

His whole perception on art is like, put it out. Once it's out, at one point, you love the project. Don't let the project, don't let the outcome dictate how it is. When you started writing it, you loved it. When you were creating with your friends, you loved it. I apply it to a lot of videos because at one point, when filming it or writing it or editing or all that, I loved it. Then if I post it and it doesn't do well, I go, Fuck, the video started to go, No, no, no. But I had to care for it at one point. Sometimes you sit on projects for so long that you lose that care. It's important to put those things out before... It's not that you lose that care, but your life just changes. What you find funny in 2024 versus 2025 is different.

Sometimes it's tough to keep something going, but also you're right to remember, Man, at one time, I had so much faith in this and believed in this, and I knew it was good.

I still think you should.

I really do. Thanks, bro. I think I needed to hear something like that, too. We're looking at some last coloring scenes right now.

You should do a small screening in Nashville and just not anybody who will just glaze. Who's like, Oh, fight, Theo. Just literally 30 people and just show it and just be like, What were your takeaways? Would you like? What felt good?

We probably need to do that soon. Maybe we'll do one out in LA, too, man. Yeah, absolutely, man.

I'm super excited for that to come out.

You got the tour right now. We'll share those on the socials as well. That'd be awesome, man. Yeah, I'll come out tomorrow night and do a set. You want to do it? Yeah. Fuck, yeah. Who else is on the show? Blasting?

Zack Townsend. You know him? Yeah, I love him. Zack Townsend, and I think John Chris is doing a set. Dude, it's going to be Nashville's finalist. It's going to be like, they're going to take a screenshot of this and put it up next to that New York City prison post. They had Mom Dommy in that picture.

I don't know who was up in there. Thanks so much for coming, bro. Dude, always. Yeah, congrats on everything. Thanks for your inspiration, dude. You just always keep on going, dude. You keep staying creative, and it's great to see. I'm glad we get to catch up.

That means a lot coming from you. Like, holy shit. You got no choice not to. Just keep it going. You're giving a gift, so use it.

This is it.

God bless. Thank you for having me in the Gang Gang. Gang Gang, Gang.

Gang, gang, boy type shit.

That was like a Nardware sign off. Nardware. That was like a Nardware sign off. Gang, gang.

Good night, Nardware. We're Nardware. Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones. But it's going to take.