Transcript of #2380 - Jordan Jensen

Joe Rogan Podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience.

Train my day.

Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day.

Jordan.

Hello.

What's up?

Oh, good. I got my legal pad here.

Yeah. In case you need to write notes.

I'm gonna take notes on what you're doing right and wrong, and I'll give them to you at the end.

Tell me, okay. So I can figure out what the wrong stuff is and stop doing it.

I want to fuck with all this stuff.

I know. There's so much shit, and people keep giving me new shit.

I know. I brought a little tiny figurine of a little thing on stage one time, and every single meet and greet, people give me these little tiny animals, and I have this giant collection of them, and I'm like, I don't like these that much.

That's the problem is, like, everybody knows that I keep a bunch of shit on this desk. So people give me shit to put on this desk. And now it's getting kind of crazy where I'm gonna have to have a shelf.

I had to get a shelf. I got one of those old typewriter keyboard things.

Look, I have, like, mammoth teeth. This is a piece of art. Oh, somebody gave me out of a wooly mammoth tooth. Oh, that's a. Don't blow it.

I won't. I got one of these. A Mayan blew it whistle.

Yeah. Brian. Aztec. Aztec death whistle. Brian Callan blew one right before COVID hit. I'm not saying he caused it, but there's a lot of videos saying he caused it.

I get it. I get it. That would be a death whistle.

I think it was technically. I think when he blew it, it had already, like, caught on in China.

Yeah.

Unless we're in a simulation.

Right. You're the COVID guy. I was listening to your podcast with. What's the woman who got falsely accused.

Of what?

Of murdering her roommate. Oh, I was listening to that one, and I, like, fast forwarded it one moment, and it went from her being like. And then I was in prison for four years, to you being like, well, the bat's been Covid. And I was like, how did we get here?

Yeah, that was a fascinating podcast. Amanda Knox. She's got a Netflix series out right now where someone plays her, which has got to be super weird.

Yeah.

Like, someone else plays her and, like, a dramatization of her getting wrongly accused at 20 years old of a murder where they had all this evidence that this guy who broke into the house murdered her. His, like, DNA was there, and they ignored It. Because they didn't want to admit that they were wrong. It's on a Hulu. Hulu. Sorry.

I don't really get how that happens.

Because cops are cunts, right?

But just like, not all copsy sperm everywhere. Oh, no. The guy was like, I fucked her.

No. I don't know what he said. I don't know what happened, but I know that they started. They had a narrative.

Oh, that he was in on it.

No, no, no. They had a net. What? They had a narrative that she did it. That she caused the murder.

Right.

The guy started with that and he stuck with it. And even when there was evidence that showed that it was. There was a guy in there. And then the guy did it. And then the window was bro. And somebody broke out of the house. And, like.

And then eventually he came forward and was like, this has nothing to do with her. The guy who did do it.

Well, I don't think he eventually ever did anything. No. Like, she actually had a meeting with him, which is crazy. Like, after the fact. Like, forgave him. But she's a white girl. She got tried twice. Twice.

I know, the Supreme Court.

No, no, no.

She went.

She got acquitted. Like, she got released. Right. And then they retried her in absentia. So she was in America while they were trying her in Italy again.

And then they said, she's fine.

Yeah, yeah. Which is fucking crazy.

Like, why was she in prison?

Give her some fucking money.

Also, the guy, Rafaela was in solitary for six months. I can't fathom that. Yeah, six months in solitude is so crazy to me. One day in solitude and I'm done.

Well, I talked to a guy that had been in solitary for years.

What does that mean? Like, you get you shit and piss in there?

Yeah. Yeah.

What?

Yeah, you get no contact. No contact.

There must be scrambly after that.

Hundred percent.

I feel like they. Yeah, it's got to do some sort of weird brain damage thing where they come out.

Well, this guy Shaka that we had on the podcast, he's great.

Was he normal?

Yeah. Well beyond, like, super smart. He wrote in there. Educated himself in there too.

Oh, you can.

Wrote books.

You can read in there?

Yeah, you can read it. Yeah. I mean, they don't just give you nothing, but you do go crazy. You go crazy. Human beings need human contact.

Well, it's like when you don't do anything all day and then you get right up on stage. Have you ever done that where you don't talk to anybody and you feel insane? Yeah.

The worst first conversation of the day on stage.

Crazy.

Yeah. That's why I always bring friends on the road. You don't want to be like that weirdo in the hotel room by yourself.

Yeah. And then you take a nap and the sun goes down while you're napping. That's the worst feeling, that when I do that, it feels like I'm haunting the audience. Like, I'm like, you guys are in a different reality and I'm intruding on where you're at.

The weird one is when you wake up and you don't know what city you're in.

Yeah, but that's why I got the dog. I was so sick of that feeling. I was so sick of waking up and being like, I've been abducted. Where am I? This place is nicer than my apartment, so that's good. But where am I? And then I saw my dog, and I was like, oh, we're all right.

That's not the only reason why you got your dog.

Yeah. And she rolls.

Yeah. And she's awesome. She's really sweet.

She's very cool.

She's so cute. How long have you had her?

Two years.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Was she full grown when you got her?

Tiny. Because I wanted to adopt the mom, but they were like, hey, the mom just had all this. We didn't know she was pregnant. She's had a litter of puppies. Will you take one of these? And I was like, okay. And I had no idea how hard it is to have a puppy.

I've had dogs where you adopt them full grown, and it was great. I had this dog named Lucy. She was awesome. She was so sweet. And then I had another dog named Squeaky from. That was a real nightmare. Yeah, she was real. Maybe it was because I named her Squeaky from after one of the Manson family members.

Oh, yeah, that'll happen.

She has squeaky voice. She, like, she'd been barking so much in the pound that when I got her out of the pound, like, her voice was like. And then eventually it got normal again because she didn't have to bark 24 hours a day. She just had worn out. She had worn out vocal cords. She had a totally normal bark, but I was like, oh, my God, her bark is looking. Yeah, yeah, it was like that.

That's awesome.

Like, she was hoarse.

Yeah. You don't know what you're going to get. I mean, when I got a rescue, I was like, I'm going to get a small rescue, so I hope it'll be fine. But it was such a gamble. Everybody was like, do not do this.

Yeah. We had a Doberman once that was a rescue that we had to get rid of. He had distemper and he got really crazy, like, in that, like, growling at us and barking at us out of nowhere. And I was a little kid. Oh, you like? Yo, we got rid of him.

We had a dog that would. That ate the foot off of my. We had a pit bull that was a rescue. And my mom had this, like, woman move in with us who she was dating and her kids moved into. And my pit bull ate the foot off of the wife's cat.

Oh, my God.

The woman's cat.

Oh, my God.

The woman was like, hey, you gotta, like, choose between me or this pit bull. My mom was like, yeah, get your cripple cat out of here.

And we kept our dog.

She didn't give a fuck, dude. She was so attached to that dog. That dog. The amount of times we just, like, kill. My friend was in the backyard. The dog kills a cat, and my friend's freaking out. She's like, we have to find the owner. And my mom was like, you will stay quiet. It was crazy. It was nuts. She was obsessed with that dog. That's the only time I've seen her, like, really cry is when a dog dies.

Yeah, it's hard. They don't live long enough.

I can't.

They're your best friends.

Yeah.

I'm terror. I have a dog named Marshall. He's golden retriever. He's the best. And he's nine now. He'll be nine in a couple of months. And it's just like, oh, no. I've had him since he was a baby. Now he's nine. I'm like, he's only got a few years left, and he's so active. He's super healthy, eats great. He's fit.

He's not the retriever.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

But the small dogs live for. They get to be like 12, and that's kind of it. 13, maybe 14. And then they're really hurting.

It's fucked.

It's fucked. Apparently there's a drug that they've developed for. For dogs, like a longevity drug. I don't know if they've released it yet, but I know that it shows promise and extend dog's lifetime.

Whitney Cummings the other day said that her friend. Her friend's like, soul dog died the other day. And she said when the dog dies, you, like, learn something about yourself that's very important. So I've been Holding on to that kind of woo woo thing. Like, she's like, you kind of show up for yourself in a way. You need to.

I don't know if I'd listen to Whitney.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she does.

He gets a little woo.

I like how Whitney has something to say about everything, though.

Rapamycin.

Wrap him on ice, take him off, still living.

I've heard of rapamycin before because rapamycin is something that Peter Attia is a big proponent of for longevity.

The. The guy who wants to live forever.

No, no, that's Brian Johnson. Another study at Texas A and M University showed rapamycin could extend the lifespan of older dogs by up to 20%. Generally well tolerated. However, it can cause side effects such as lethargy, lack of appetite. Oh, boy.

No, you can't.

Interesting. Is that it? Because I think there was something else. It was like a gene therapy.

What happened to the cloning thing? What happened to crispr?

They probably already made clones.

But why did we not hear about that? Weren't they cloning sheep and shit?

Yep.

And then we just stopped hearing about it.

Yeah, they probably made a bunch of people already.

Yeah.

People telling you about clones are probably clones.

You ever see a person that looks exactly like another person and then you ask them their name and it's the same name, and you're like, no fucking way.

You know the story about those two baseball players?

No.

Oh, it's the nuttiest shit of all time. These two baseball players look exactly the same, have the exact same name, and never met each other, and they both play baseball.

Let me see him.

Oh, it's bananas. These two guys.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Like, what? What in the fuck? Different parents.

Why are they wearing the same glasses?

Their name is Brady Feigl. Right. So it's not even like a normal name. Yeah. They both got the same injury. That's how they found out they were going to the same doctor. Just imagine your name is Brady Feigl and you meet another guy who's also Brady. You're both 6 foot 4. You both have red hair.

They're both really tall.

You both have black glasses. You both have the fucking same crazy name. That name is nuts.

Maryland and Missouri is not far enough away.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

They also, once they found this out, they didn't immediately go meet each other. They waited like two or three years maybe. I think, oh, if the guy played baseball and I played baseball, I'd be like, bro, we got to hang out, freak people out. They're different Ages? I thought they were the same age. Oh, how old? 32 and 27. Interesting. The first guy must be really pissed. This motherfucker stealing my shine.

That's bizarre. Yeah, but I just remember hearing so much about cloning.

Yeah.

And then it just stopped.

Well, they do with dogs. They do with people's pets. Like, if you want to get your pet cloned, you can get your pet cloned. That's a real thing.

What do you do?

It costs $30,000.

But then they're cloned at the same age.

It's. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They're a puppy.

Nice.

Yeah. See, you get to start from scratch. Yeah. Otherwise you'd have like a 11 year old you keep, like, bringing back.

So mean.

He's got arthritis and diarrhea.

Please let me die, for the love of God.

You waited too long to clone him.

That's. Dude, bring it back as a puppy, though. We could do that.

Did you see that movie with Demi Moore called the Substance?

Okay. I fainted in the theater, bro.

They did so hard, bro. That movie is nuts.

It's nuts. I'm actually very pro that movie. Like, I love the narrative.

Oh, it was great.

I love the idea of that. When you get all that face shit, you're just keeping an old person alive. I've tried describe that on stage so much where I'm like, doesn't it bother you that when people are like, you look good for your age, you're just like, hide it. Like you're concealing your death there. You know what I mean? And that movie portrayed that perfectly, where it's just a fucking.

It's kind of ironic that Demi Moore, who looks insanely good at 62, played that lady.

Yeah.

You know, because, like.

But I liked that because it showed. Like, even when you saw her weird old lady butt, you were like, that's Demise Moore's nice butt. But I'm still, like, in awe of the young girl's butt, which is unacceptable.

It's unacceptable.

You know what I mean? Like, when she was doing the whole dance and you're like, why is this so intense? And you're like, it's a young person.

Right.

I think that. Did that director do? No, that director didn't do Raw, but it was a female director.

I don't know what else this director did, but that movie was awesome.

I hit the deck, though. I tried. I faint so easily.

Do you really, dude?

I just. Blood and stuff. I faint. And I muscled through the gory part and I was like, I'm Good. Like, I can't. I've cured it. And then the music. It's like when. When a movie starts going like. Like that. Like. Yeah, like, on both sides.

That gets you like a goat.

Dude. I got to the bathroom and I passed out. I'm in New York, just on the ground, fainted. People are walking over my body. They're like a homeless person.

That's hilarious. That's so funny. I used to date a girl that when. If someone got a needle on screen, she'd faint.

Yeah. Yeah.

Just like, it didn't matter where she was. If someone got injected, it's so bad.

Her dad had it. My dad has it. Yeah.

Her dad was a dentist, which is crazy. Like, the dentist makes me faint when the. When the kid. One of their. Her brother got, like, crazy sunburn. Like, really bad, where he got blisters. The dad saw it and just fainted.

Dude, it's crazy. My sister called my dad once, and she was working on cadavers, and she was like, I'm so interested in this. We cut into a cadaver today, and she just heard thump on the other line. And she was like, dad, dad. Oh, my God. He was done. Dude, he's fainted so many times. Yeah. From a phone call.

That's so wild.

He couldn't be in our births or anything.

Oh, my God.

That's crazy.

Crazy. That's. What is that?

It's called vaso. Vagal.

Okay, but is that a psychological thing? Because it's obviously, like, your reaction to a thing I like. I wonder if you can temper that somehow.

Here's the problem with it is why I don't. I used to think it was psychological. Like, me and my dad pictured things too. Well, like, we pictured it, the needle going in. But vasovagal. Like, sometimes I'll be putting an earring in. Yeah.

Like, everywhere, so you don't bounce your head off the fucking linoleum.

So fucked up. So I think it is neurological.

Well, I bet. But also triggered by high states of anxiety, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

So that's what you would be able to control. You wouldn't be able to control the fact that you do faint when you have a high level of anxiety. So vasovagal response, sudden overreaction of the body's autonomic nervous system to a trigger such as pain or emotional stress or music that causes a temporary drop in heart rate and blood pressure.

There's a whole part of my special where I talk about me and this guy who was also a fainter, having sex.

Oh, My God. And you both fainted a lot. Nice. Yeah, it's hot.

Yeah, it was rough. It was rough because when you faint, it comes with sweating and seeing. Like, it's brutal.

You probably hope the man doesn't faint. Like, you can keep it together. Yeah, that would be, like, a nice thing.

Yeah, totally.

Like a nice trade.

He could faint on command. He could think of something.

Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, that's hilarious. I wonder what would happen if a guy like that had got drafted in Vietnam, done faint.

That would have gotten.

Faint shot. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. My dad had a heart attack once and fainted. And I saw him in the hospital. I was like, what happened? The heart attack up your face? And he's like, I fainted on offense. I was like, that's crazy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, he fainted so much. And he was a contractor, so he would always have cuts and stuff and be like, no, be out. It was crazy.

Nuts.

Yeah, he jigsawed through his nose one time.

Yeah, because he fainted.

No, but then he fainted. He, like, pulled the cord and then it cut through his nose and then he faints. It's crazy.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I would wear a helmet everywhere if I was that dude.

Yeah.

I just wear a football helmet. It was just like, I'm a fan.

That's what we have to worry about all the time. Like, if I cut myself, it's not about the cut. Like, the stitches are not. It's that I'm about to hit the deck. It's crazy. It's so fucked up.

Have you ever fainted right before you went on stage? Because I would think that's like a heightened state of anxiety a little bit. Especially in the early days.

I've panicked. Well, another problem is I get when I panic, when I have really bad intrusive thoughts. Like, I was around a famous person recently, and I was convinced I was gonna bite. Bite her. I started getting a full panic, which makes you want to faint. But it's a. Is a. It's a different thing. But both lead to fainting.

I knew a dude who was a warm up guy. You know, he'd just do warm up, and he had a real problem with anxiety. He just would freak out. And he was a comic and just it worked out for him because his anxiety would just overwhelm him.

Yeah.

And one time he was warming up for the Cosby show, and he got this idea in his head that he was gonna say the N word, of course. And he's like, don't say it.

Of course.

Don't say it.

Oh, the Cosby Show.

Yeah. So he's warming up for the Cosby Show. So he's, you know, basically in the crowd warming up. Okay. So here in the next scene, Dr. Huxtable's gonna come in, and all his mind is telling him is, don't say the N word. He's not gonna say it. He was never gonna say it. But he was overwhelmed by this fear of saying the N word in this, like, very, you know, black audience. And he completely had a meltdown while he was doing warm up, where he.

Was panicking, full panic. With my special taping, I thought I was gonna hit somebody with a stool. Mine is violence. I think I'm going to bite. I think I'm gonna. Yeah, totally. Or on airplanes. I'm worried I'm gonna pull the exit thing off all the time. Mine is very violent. Or the person next to me I'm gonna bite down on.

That's probably a better response than, like, shrieking and.

Yeah.

Falling to the ground.

I know, but that I was the. The famous woman. I was like, I don't want to be the biter.

But you wouldn't bite her.

And then. I know, but I thought. But I had so long to obsess about it.

Can you tell me who it is?

It was Laura Dern.

Really? You thought you're gonna bite Laura Dern? Isn't she an admiral in Star Wars?

I love her so much, but she was being so nice to me, and we were sitting next to each other for so long, and I was like, what if I just bit Laura Dern? And my brain was like, you're not. And I was like, but this might be the time that you do the thing. One time I was on a chairlift, and I was like, what if you jumped off? And I obsessed so long that I just jumped off?

Whoa.

I was fine. I landed and was fine, but I still was like, I did the thing.

Oh, no.

So since then, I've been like, how.

Far was the jump?

Not far.

Okay.

That's the only thing I have to remember is I waited for the snow to come up and meet the chairlift. Way closer and then jump. So my. You want smart? Yeah, yeah.

You're not crazy.

You're not crazy.

Just like a little thrill. Yeah, just a little bitty thrill.

Totally. Like biting. Lord, think about biting. She was so nibble, so Hollywood, you know? Oh, I could really.

Her skin was Hollywood.

Just so pure, so nice.

Interesting.

I got bug bites all over I.

Accidentally sat next to Daryl Hannah once at Cantor's Deli in the 90s.

Okay.

And they were doing some game. They were playing some game. Her and her friends were playing some game with like states. Like, figure out like, what, you know, what's the Keystone State like that kind of shit.

Yeah.

And I was helping her, but she was totally normal. Like, it was net. We never acknowledged that. She's Daryl Hannah at Cantor's Deli playing a game. She is like, super chill.

That's so nice.

Yeah. Her and her friends are having a sandwich, just laughing and doing some game about states.

They're normal as hell. Matt Damon was at the Cellar recently and I couldn't. I was so fucked up. I don't know how it was fucking me up so much. I do too many. I microdose too many mushrooms. But I was like, his arms and hands are so. Matt Damon's arms and hands. Like, I knew them so well. And he was like gesticulating and I was like, I fucking know those fricking arms. It was crazy. From movies. Yeah. Like, just moving. It's weird to know somebody so well and never have spoken to them. It's disturbing.

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That's weird.

This. This.

Did he choose to sit there?

No, no, no. The. The restaurant owner had him there before. It was a nice table, and there's photos all over the wall of celebrities that had been there before. And so Matt Damon went and sat down at the table where the photo of this owner, you know, taking a picture with Matt Damon is.

That's some meta. That's crazy. He seems really sweet.

He's a very nice guy. Super normal guy. There's a lot of them that are like, super normal. Hold this thing. Like, I doubt crazy people. There's always, like, a thing in your head. You're like, they got to be out of their mind.

Totally.

Yeah.

What's the guy's Peter Dinklage?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Came into the cellar and threw a chicken wing at my friend's chest. Just like, out of nowhere, somebody introduced him. Like Gillis or somebody. Maybe it was Schultz was like, oh, this is so and so. He's a good comic. And he threw a chicken wing at him. And I was like, that's the most. Peter Dinklage. Like, just basically being a little renaissance man throwing, like, his size turkey leg is crazy. It's crazy. A little renaissance like him just, like, away. Jessica. I was like, that's too on the nose. It's crazy.

Problem is, I knew him first from Elf.

Oh, yeah.

You know, so even though he's the Game of Thrones guy, to me, he's always the angry writer from Elf.

I know him from the guy Four Weddings in a funeral or wedding. Wedding interview.

I never saw that. I heard it was really good.

Really good.

I heard it's really good. Never saw it.

Crazy funny.

Yeah, that guy's great. He's. He was so good in Game of Thrones. It was so complicated. Yeah, complicated. That fucking show was so good. The new one, I'm trying to get into it, but, like, every season is, like five years apart from the last one. You have to figure out who is. Who is this lady Game of Thrones 1.

I had to. I was, like, asking a thousand people. I was like, I don't understand which place is Which I had to, like, map it out. I could not figure it out. But it's so good. It opened up with the brother and sister fucking. That was so sick.

And making a cripple the other brother.

Yeah, it was crazy.

Nuts.

And the just full on rape.

Yeah.

Daenerys girl.

They cut the fucking head off the king. You're like, no.

Yeah, he's crazy. He's the best. He's the best.

He's the king.

They did a great job.

Oh, that show ruled. It was such a good show. Such. Season one was. I mean, I mean, not season one. The real Game of Thrones. The new ones. Like, yeah, it's good. But, you know, you're always. You're Jay Leno after Johnny Carson.

Yeah, it's like, totally. You get attached.

There's a thing you just like, oh, I didn't.

I don't remember the last season. Oh, the last season was weird. Where Cersei Rules.

I was in Croatia and there's the place where they. Where King's Landing is. Yeah, like, that's where they filmed it.

Oh, that's awesome.

And they. They like, sort of do tours where they show you where they film certain scenes.

Yeah.

And one of the scenes is when she was. Shame, shame. She's walking on, like, the little cobblestone.

That's pretty.

That's right there. Yeah, you could actually see it.

That's really cool.

It's pretty cool. Yeah, they filmed a lot of those.

Shame things on Twitter. We do the shame, shame. I just went through a horrible Twitter thing last night.

Oh, no, dude.

I got dragged.

You can't read that.

I did. I. Dude, it was a fan hit me up and goes, don't go on Twitter. And I went on Twitter and it was so this crazy, out of context thing where I was, like, talking. I was on Stav's podcast and I was talking about how I was talking about this guy who used the word. I'm not gonna say it. T, R, A. I don't know how to spell it. N, N, Y.

Okay.

He used that word. And I was being like, that word is so fucking antiquated that at this point, to me it sounds like somebody's just calling like a drag queen that. And everybody took it as me saying that trans people are in drag.

Oh, God.

And it like. Dude, it was just like, went at me and like, said, I. The crazy thing is, I thought I was being woke on that podcast. I had, like, friends of mine being like, fuck, Jordan. Like, it was crazy. I mean, friendly people. Like, people I Work with.

Yeah, those people can go eat shit. Those pylon people, they can all go eat shit.

But that was my, like, first big one. I've had one before, but that was like, those.

That kind of shit pushes people away from all the things you're trying to promote. Like, it does. It doesn't mean that people hate trans people if they say something like that. That's not what you're saying.

I was saying the opposite. I was being like, this guy was such an asshole for using that word. Also, that word is so corny.

Right.

That I feel like at this point, it's not even reference to. To transgender people. That it's, like, what we say for drag.

Some people still use it.

Totally.

But it's. That's not the point. The point is, it's like, what are you trying to do? You're not trying to hurt anybody's feelings, so shut the fuck up. Everybody's just looking for a reason to be offended. It's just trying to find anything that they can, like, green light go, and no reason, no nuance. Yeah, of course.

It's so crazy. It was so. And I'm just, like, reading all of them, and I was like, this is so many people that are just like, this dumb bitch. One of them said, this is a fat retard talking to a skinny retard about me and me and stuff. And I was like, oh, well, that's actually really sweet. That's really nice.

Sweet.

You're sweet. I love being.

Yeah, well, this is just what's going on online, and most of the people that are on Twitter. Oh, good.

I don't have Twitter. I deleted it because I kept looking at my ex's tweets, and then I was like, I'm deleting this for sobriety. You know? And then I went on it the other day, and I was like, this is a nightmare, dude. It was crazy. And I hit up those people who tweeted, and I was like, hey, why wouldn't you just text me, man? Like, I care about you. You care about me. This was totally out of context. If you just asked me about it, I would have showed you the whole clip, you know? And they were like, you're right. That was crazy.

It's a mental illness factory. Yeah, it's. Twitter is just a giant cunt farm. Yeah, that's what it is. It just. Everybody just is growing cunty thoughts.

I just didn't know. I just am not even in there.

Yeah, it's not good. I stay off it as much as Humanly possible. I try to get on it in the morning, just see what everybody's upset about, see what's in the news. What the. Like a UFO got shot with a hellfire missile. And they have footage today and Rep. Luna. Yeah, they were talking about it in hearings today. There's a video of hearings? Yes, there's a video of a UFO getting hit by a hellfire missile. And the hellfire missile just blows apart and the UFO just keeps moving.

What it. What was the ufo? What did it look like?

A dot on a screen. They always look. They look like shit.

I saw something weird coming down from the moon the other day. Do not know what it was.

Look at this. So watch this. So the. Here's the ufo, there's the missile. Watch this happens. Does it? It just knocks it around and the thing just gets right back on track, which is bananas. Like, anything that gets hit by a hellfire missile usually gets a fucking obliterated. Especially something that's literally the size of the missile.

It's cruising.

Yeah, it's flying. I mean, not fast enough that it could duck a missile, so. Which is kind of weird that it let itself get hit. It's hard to see what happens. It's right. Like, what is that little. Right. It's animation. It's Pong. We're looking at Pong, you know? Yeah, it's like an old video game. Really shitty video game. This is. This is why I have the hardest time getting excited about any of this stuff. Because, like, I don't know what I just saw. You're telling me I saw a hellfire missile hit a ufo? It's like, you know, you're reading Morse code to me. I don't know.

Well, AI has done that too. Where now it's like I can't even go on Instagram. It's not even fun anymore because I don't know what's real or not.

Oh, yeah. We get caught all the time.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's always something. There's always something that you think is really Tim Walsh with the Fuck Trump shirt on, dancing in the elevator. Jamie's like, it's fake. I'm like, no, no, no, it's real.

Always. I'm like, I'm just past the age bracket where I can't detect it. It's crazy.

Well, no one can detect it anymore because especially what looks like cell phone footage, because cell phone footage is kind of shitty already, so they just make it kind of shitty. And you don't know. You don't know what the fuck you're looking at?

My mom liked a photo on Facebook that. A fake AI photo of me on the beach, different tattoos, with a man, and she liked it. I'm like, mom, what are you doing? Who do you think that guy is? You know that I'm single? She's like, you look beautiful in it. I'm like, it's not real. That's not my body. That's not the body you gave birth to.

Boomers can't handle it.

No.

They're so removed from this technology that they're living in an alternative dimension.

Yeah. Yeah, totally. I don't know what she does.

They get their news on TV and that's a wrap.

Yeah.

Whatever the guy says in front of the camera. Yeah, that's the.

My mom is my news source, which is nice. I didn't know the Epstein drawing had come out.

Oh, yeah. What is. So the drawing is a draw. Was that the same as the one that had been leaked before? Is it different? I'm pretty sure that leaked one was. Someone took the description, put it in AI. This is the actual drawing? Yeah. And this one they actually got. Got the book, and someone, like, leaked it. I'm gonna grab it.

The drawing, I did think when I imagined it, that it was gonna be like a. Well, I was imagining, like, DiCaprio drawing a French girl, you know? And when I saw that, when I was like, God, Trump, at least make her hot. What are you doing? But what was the transcript he had written out?

He had it like, this is it.

What does voiceover mean?

It says, there must be more to life than having everything, Donald. Yes, there is. So he wrote this. Supposedly, the voice, it says voiceover. Like he's like a movie star, like he's in a script. Donald. Yes, there is. But I won't tell you what it is, Jeffrey. Nor will I, since I also know what it is. Who fucking talks like this, Donald. We have certain things in common, Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Yes, we do. Come to think of it, Donald, enigmas never age. Have you noticed that? Jeffrey, as a matter of fact, was clear to me the last time I saw you.

Oh, yeah.

A pal is a wonderful thing. Happy birthday. May every day be another wonderful secret. And then I like how he's got the signature where the bushes.

Yeah. I don't think that he meant for that, though. Oh, he made it sound like he meant for that.

I think he did.

I don't. I think he just signed it, maybe. But I was imagining.

It's kind of ironic. Yeah, it's right. With a yeah, Vajin, but I don't think Trump likes a hairy. That's a dude. Okay. That's a dude with womanly hips.

Yeah.

Look at the boobs. They're weird.

It could be a back.

Yeah, it could be anything. It could be a snail smile.

I don't get why he's writing a script.

Yeah. Very odd stuff. It's quite strange, but it's also like the way, like, enigmas never age. Have you noticed that? And Jeffrey, as a matter of fact, it was clear to me the last time I saw you. Like, if one of my friends sent me that, I'd be like, I'm getting a new number.

Yeah, you get a new number. Why didn't you just write happy birthday? Yeah.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Enigma.

Happy birthday, Jeff. That's all I want. Happy birthday, Jeff. May we hang out soon?

Well, also, like, what year was this that he wrote this? I think it was for his 50th birthday, was the word. So I'll see what year would have been. It wouldn't have been that long ago, but. Well, it had to be because he kicked him out of Mar a Lago in, like, the 2000s. Right. I think. 2011, I think, is when they said that was. That's when they kicked him out, I think so. I thought it was before that, because I think that's when he got arrested.

They kicked Epstein out. Can I touch this?

Yeah. That is a recreation. That's a 3D printed recreation of these very strange vases that they find in Egypt that are part of an older dynasty that are so exact. And the way they did it is completely unknown. That is just a piece of plastic. But that's an actual 3D recreation of the original vase that you think aliens did? No, no, no, no. I think a very compl Civilization that was wiped out by some sort of a cataclysmic disaster that had very sophisticated technology because that was. Was it diorite that that was carved out of? Yeah.

Are you an alien guy or are you an agnostic? Alien guy.

I'm on the fence.

You're on the fence?

Yeah.

You were. Alien guy.

I've been back and forth off the fence, on the fence. I've been over the other side. I go back and forth. I think it's highly unlikely that we're alone. Highly unlikely.

Yeah.

And there's just too many stories of people having encounters with something for people been writing these things down for thousands of years. I haven't had any experience, though.

Yeah. I think if it's like a relationship. If you want it, too bad you won't get it.

Other than psychedelics, which makes me go, you've seen guys? No, I've seen stuff. I've seen entities.

Really?

Yeah, 100%. I've had interactions with other beings, but.

Tree entities or, like, space entities. I've had tree entities, things that didn't.

Have, like, a form that was solid. Their form would change and morph, and they had consciousness. But, you know, it's like, what is that? What's really going on? Like, are you really. Are you imagining this? Or are you tapping in what it feels like? But it might not be. Is what it feels like is you're tapping into another dimension and you're interacting with some disembodied souls. Like, disembodied consciousness that doesn't have a physical form. That's what it feels like. But it feels highly intelligent and very aware of what you're full of shit about, what you're. What you're not. Like, what your thoughts are, whether your thoughts are positive or negative. Like, it shows you negative thoughts and positive thoughts.

Yeah. I was talking to Ari about that on his podcast about how, like, when I took acid, if I had a negative thought, all of the clouds would turn into skulls. And if I had a positive thought, they'd all turn into these dancers. And I could switch it. I could just, like, switch, and my entire visual would change with my mental.

I had a very similar experience once where when I had negative thoughts, everything would go, like, black and pixelated and dark. And then I would have a positive. I would realize it like, oh, no, no, no. This. You're doing this. And then, boom, it would blossom into these beautiful geometric patterns. I was like, oh, yeah. Kind of in control of how you view things, which is in control of how your life works.

That's the one thing that psychedelics wants you to get so hard. That's, like the biggest. That every time I do it, it feels like it's making fun of me. It's like, bro, this is all you. Like, you have control.

Yes.

You can have a bad life or a good life. Make the fucking choice. And every time I do it, I'm like, okay, I'll remember. And then the next day, I'm like, somebody said I'm fat on Twitter. You know, it's crazy. I just had this big revelation the other day where I was like, what if everything is all right? Like, I'm writing, and then this Twitter thing happened, and I'm like, I'm gonna die. Everybody. And I was like, oh, yeah. Sometimes I feel like when you have those revelations, you get a little tested. You ever feel like that? Like, I'll be like, when I'm things. When I'm like, okay. You know, like, I was. My head was so big about the Netflix coming out. I dropped into the creek yesterday, do a new joke. Set bomb. Just bomb the whole way through.

Sweating.

Sweating in front of these people. They're like, they don't know who I am. They're just like, what are you saying? And I was like, just trying brand new Weir stuff, right? Because my ego is so big that I'm like, I don't even need to workshop this. And I do it. And they're just like, we don't understand you. And I'm like, anyway, watch the special. It's a lot better than that.

It is the most humbling thing to work on new stuff after you put out a special. Most humbling because you have no weapons.

And you just were doing shows where you're like, bam.

Tight. Ready? Yeah.

Looking at the notepad and being like, what else? Still nothing on there. Yeah. Crazy.

It's the hardest thing is, like, coming up with subjects, you know?

It's also hard when your brain is preoccupied with putting out a special. I've noticed, Right? You know, like, I'm like. I'm editing, I'm thinking about shit, promotion. And then I'm like, I have to. But that's why I think you have.

To take time 100%.

But the rush. People are like, aren't you so proud of yourself? And I'm like, no, because now I'm doing bad sets.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? I don't have time to be proud because I'm going up on stage and being like, throw here something. I was thinking, you know, and it never.

I think that's a good thing for us. It's a good reality check.

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah. Like, every couple of years, you gotta get smacked in the face and start from scratch again.

It's really good.

Brian Simpson did a brilliant thing. So what Brian Simpson did is he developed two hours. So he put out one hour, and then when he went touring afterwards, he had another hour already.

Well, I thought he asked Ari. I thought he was like, can I put out both hours? Can I put out all of it?

Don't do that. Yeah, Yeah. I think what he did was perfect.

When I did the half hour, I had that, I did it. Put a half hour out and I was fucking cruising. But this one, I. Any Fat that I had, I cut and was like, I hate. You're dead to me.

Right.

So all of the stuff I liked, I put in it. So then when I was touring, I was like, I've already decided that I hate that. I can bring it back up, but I don't want to.

Right. And then you feel like you're a fraud if you do.

Yeah.

Yeah. And if you're not interested in the subject, like, if you're like, it is dead to me. It's over.

Yeah.

You gotta let go.

Totally. It's crazy, and it's hard to be on stage and talking about what I want to talk about, which is how crazy it is to be putting out a special. You know what I mean? But I don't want to do that because I want to do evergreen material also.

That's, like, just not relatable.

Not relatable, but you're like, I want to tell you guys about this. That's what's on my mind.

Especially the people that don't know who you are. Then it's really not relatable.

Yeah. Bill Burr was very inspiring because he put out that special about how he changed his mindset. You know what I mean? The most recent one where he was like, I'm not going to be an angry person anymore. And that was sick because I feel like sometimes I'll be like, maybe I should have a perspective shift where I am, stop being such an angry person and against humanity. And I'm like, no, but that's not funny. So seeing Burr do that, I'm like, oh, I could have material about how, like, therapy helps, you know, instead of how my therapist sucks. You know what I mean? Like, and that was nice to see him do that, where he was like, I'm gonna stop harassing my wife. That was the whole special was like, my wife is, like, gonna die someday, and I'm making her life quite bad. It was great.

When I was young, I had this stupid idea in my mind that you should stray away from meditation or enlightenment or anything, because it would get in the way of being funny.

Yeah, totally.

It would get in the way of chaos.

I have that with relationships. I get. I'm like, I'm gonna keep this tumultuous relationship, and I'm just gonna keep. Like.

That's how I thrive, Mining for material.

Mining for material. Just keep myself in a state of, like, unknown constantly, so that I feel like I'm alive because I feel like I'll die if I have any comfort or stability. My studio is the Size of this table. There's no reason I should live like that. It's crazy. It's. There's no reason. But I just keep myself in these little.

Do you like living in New York like that?

I don't need to. I can live in a bigger place in New York. It's totally fine.

So you're doing it to yourself?

Yeah, I'm doing to myself. To be like, you have to struggle, and you don't. Don't. You don't even get to clean your tuna cans. You have to leave. It's crazy. It's crazy.

At least you know it's crazy.

Yeah, totally. And I'm working on it.

Oh, okay. I am talking to a realtor.

I'm talking to two therapists. And. Yeah, that's the other thing is I'm like, I don't want to get a bigger place if I'm gonna buy a.

Place in New York, you know, eventually you're gonna buy.

Yeah, right. So I'm like, maybe just struggle.

It's a weird time for the real estate market right now.

I bought a house in Ithaca.

Oh, yeah. Upstate.

Yeah, upstate.

Oh, you one of them people that gets the upstate house? Well, you go to visit.

It's like, five hours from New York, so.

Yeah.

Yeah. People are like, upstate. And I'm like, no, it's like paintball upstate, dude. It's.

So do you take a flight or you drive?

I take a. There's a flight from JFK now.

And you go to Ithaca and what, just watch tv?

I just. I mainly just work on the house and work on the. You know, just do shit to get it up and running. I don't know what I'm gonna do when it's done.

So you just like being in a small town?

Well, my family's there. Oh, yeah.

Okay. That makes sense.

Yeah. My niece is there.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Okay. But I was like, just pick Ithaca. I don't know.

No way. No way. My whole family's there. And I was so sick of going home and having to stay with my mom the whole time and.

Oh, that's smart.

Yeah. She walked in on me having sex so many times. It's so annoying. Just swinging over the door. Oh, sorry. That's her. Every single time. Because she's deaf, so she can't hear shit.

Oh, no.

So she'll just swing it open. Oh, okay. It's fucking crazy, dude. And her house just has holes in it because she's a contractor, so she hasn't finished it.

It. Oh, no.

So there's just like, rack. There'll be like a. She'll just be scurrying around and be like, there's a raccoon in here. I'm like, what? All the time, dude. It's crazy. There's a chipmunk on my laptop. I'm like, get it away. Bats coming in constantly.

Your dad's fainting.

Dad's dead now. Dad finally fainted. His last faint.

Oh, no, it was.

It was good. He worked all day, came home, died. It was. We were happy about it, really. I mean, we didn't want him to die, but yeah, he was. He was like, getting to a point where we were like, he's gonna have to start going to the hospital because he smokes so many cigarettes and it's so unhealthy. And we're like, if he goes to the hospital, it's game over. He can't be around. He'll faint if he sees a hospital. It's like he like, knew it was happening. Was like, I'd rather die.

Did cigarettes get him?

Yeah, cigarettes and Dunkin Donuts. Love Dunkin Donuts. Donuts.

Both of those things.

Yeah.

Very addicted.

Very addicted.

You.

He was a heavy smoker. That's why I want to kill Ian all the time.

Cuz he smokes so much.

Yeah, he sounds like my dad with the. Where you laugh and you go.

Ian seems like he really enjoys it, though.

You. That's what everybody says until they're hacking up along and they have to leave a movie theater halfway through to go smoke.

How much does Ian smoke a day?

I think he's down. I think he's down to like a pack and a half. Oh, God, he's getting there. I need to get him onto Zins. But he thinks that's gay.

Zins are gay.

He thinks.

What about all the stuff he talks about on stage?

Yeah, that he thinks is perfectly regular and above board. Perfectly regular and above board.

But Zins are gay. That's so silly. That's what a silly take.

But so many people have that. That's like when people are like, I'm not gonna enter recovery because I don't believe in God. I'm like, you were. You were drunk last night, praying that you could fuck, you know, Sydney Sweeney. Like, you're praying, you're doing weird stuff. You're delusional.

I don't want to believe in God. That's hilarious.

People say that a lot where they avoid AA because they don't believe in God.

Yeah. What's weird is the guy who Founded aa. Did it. He was an acid head. He used acid to get off of alcohol.

Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't talk about that.

Yeah, the thing is all about alarm.

I use mushrooms to get off alcohol.

Yeah, I've heard a lot of people do that.

I use mushrooms to cure, like a huge amount of ocd. I was like, OCD was dominating my life. Couldn't touch anything. Had to wash my hands constantly. It was like. And then I tripped hard and went into a room alone for six hours and was like, I will. And it was. I was tripping hard and I was like, I'm gonna deal with this in this room and figure out what it is.

And what was it?

It was that I fundamentally don't trust myself to make the right decision. And I realized that none of my decisions were up to me. It was all just an amalgamation of experiences. Cause I was like, who's gonna stop me from biting or hurting or doing anything? So I was like, if I tap this, that'll stop me. And when I faced it and asked it, it was like, you think you're gonna do bad things, but you're not because you have done. You have chosen the right path this whole way so you can trust yourself. You know what I mean? Like, three year old Jordan was not outside killing a cat. You know what I mean? She was fucking playing. Right? Like, so every step of the way you're building this personality that you can trust. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Because my whole thing was like, who? How am I to know that I'm not a horrible. That I'm not going to do something horrible? Which is a big OCD thing for.

People wondering whether you're going to do something horrible.

Yeah, like a lot of ocd. Like, I know a girl who she couldn't babysit because she was like, what if I am a pedophile?

Oh, my God.

Because her OCD was so bad.

Oh, my God.

And then she was like, oh, this is ocd. And she was treated. And she was like, it's fine. But like, a lot of people, people will have babies and they'll be like, what if I freaking spin this baby's head off?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I have that all the time, dude. I have that. Whenever my friends, like, hold my baby, I'm like, okay.

Oh, my God, that's so crazy.

But you don't do shit. Because it's like the. It's like the ski jump thing. You're gonna.

That's interesting. I never thought of it that way. It's like, you're not trusting yourself.

Yeah. And I also used to be super fat. Like, I was a fat kid. And I think there's a part of me that's like, if you were able to do that, then you're able to do horrible things.

Things.

You know what I mean?

You're able to get fat.

Yeah. Like, if you were able to binge eat like that as a kid, then you're not really to be trusted. You know what I mean? And I had to face all of that on this acid trip. And I came out of it and.

Was like, was it acid or mushrooms?

That was acid.

Okay.

Mushrooms. I microdose acid. I don't do anymore because of how crazy that was. But that one, I did a lot and got it. Yeah.

Like, I got it. Got the lesson. I'm not going back to school.

Yeah, totally, totally. And I still have a little bit of ocd. I still have some things that I didn't get rid of, but for the most part, I got rid of it, which is.

Seems debilitating. I've met people that have it. It's nuts. And some people, it gets worse as, like, their success grows, which is really crazy.

Yeah.

Where they have Howard Hughes type shit where you. You know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I loved that movie growing up because I resonated with him so much.

It's weird.

You gotta stop it. I mean, that's the thing is if you don't to get in the way of it, it just builds neuronal grooves in your brain that becomes so.

Yeah.

Like, averse to plasticity. Like, you can't get out of them. And that's what I remember, like, this woman being like, I want you to bring in contaminated items. And I was like, go yourself. I was like, absolutely not. I was like, then we'd have to burn my mother's car. Like, there's no way. But you do every time something's contaminated a little bit, you have to, like, force yourself to do it, to touch it or whatever.

Your thing is like contaminated food.

For me, it was contamination was if some. When I was younger, I was worried that I would become like, say you were like, I cheated on my wife last night. And then you were like, you want to hit this vape or whatever. I wouldn't be able to touch it because I'd be like, he does bad things. If I hit that vape, I'll do bad things.

Wow.

You know, so if somebody was whack, they'd be contaminated and I couldn't go near them.

There's something to that yeah. There's a little something to that. There's a little wisdom behind that.

Yeah.

Because people do kind of adopt the mindset of people they're around.

I mean, that's what I've had to learn recently is I'm like, you got to cut out black people and get that. That's not ocd. That's, like, healthy for you.

Yeah. Whack people can ruin everything.

Yeah.

Really shitty human beings that you have have kept in your life for whatever weird reason. They can just derail your whole life.

The thing that sucks about comedy is sometimes these people are so funny.

I know.

And you have to cut out somebody who's so funny.

I know.

That sucks.

It does suck. It does.

People at a desk job. I'm like, you're cutting out Brian, who's like, kinda, you know, who's like, just, all right, who brought you a cupcake once? I'm cutting out people who are like, the only people I can say racist shit around. You're, like, cutting out, like, a huge chord of my sense of humor.

Right.

And that. But I've had to do that recently. Just be like, dude, I can't. The vibe is too dark, sinister.

It is a problem.

Yeah.

There's people in your life that just, for whatever reason, will never get it together and at a certain point in time, try to rescue a drowning person. They'll drown you.

Yeah, totally.

They'll drown you.

It's hard to watch other people do it and not cut people out. And you're like that. If you could just cut. Like, my friend's mom is just such a drain on her life. And I'm like, you gotta just.

Did you see that Netflix documentary about that little girl who was in the small town who's getting harassed by someone that turned out to be her mom?

I heard about this, but I did not see it. Oh. I saw this on Instagram and I thought it was not real.

It's nuts.

She was getting bullied by her mom.

Her mom didn't have a job. The father thought the mom had a job. The just all day trolling and fucking with her daughter for years. And you know what the girl said at one point in time? She's like, I miss my mom. Because her mom was there to protect her from the bad world, but really the only bad world was her mom pretending to be someone else.

Wait. She said, I miss my mom because.

She thought her mom was a sweet person that protected her, and she found out her mom was a fucking monster.

Oh. So later, after she found out she was like, I miss my mom. Yes. Oh, that's. That's brutal.

Brutal.

That's like when somebody breaks up with you and you're like, I just want to talk to them about this bad breakup.

Well, that's that thing that some crazy people do. It's Munchausen's by proxy.

So she was. Is that Munchausen's, though? Munchausen, I think is when like you.

Hurt them so that you could help them.

Oh, she was doing that. She was being like, who's your.

She was the one who was trolling her own daughter. She was someone else online attacking her own daughter, calling her a. Calling her horrible things and being like, ps, your mom.

Mom's a babe.

Your mom's an enigma.

Your mom's really hot. You should go talk to her. She's an enigma.

Yeah, I noticed your mom's an enigma.

Yeah, I think you noticed that too.

Yeah, so the moment I saw you, I noticed it.

That's crazy.

Crazy. It's. So is she in jail or something? I don't know. I didn't get that far. I can't with the stuff like that. People are mean to their kids. I'm like, I can't do this.

I love that. I don't love it, but I fall asleep to that.

Horrible. It's hard. If you love your kid. I love my kids. I can't see some seeing someone being that it's not just. It's evil beyond belief.

How old are your kids?

She torched that. I have a 28 year old daughter. I have a 17 and a 15.

Wait, if you. If you have a 28 year old, you were.

Well, it's not my biological.

Oh, okay. Okay, okay.

Yeah.

So did you have any kids? Were all your kids had after you were financially good?

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

You think that's the move?

I don't know. There's something to be said for growing up poor.

Yeah.

You know, I grew up poor. I think it's good. I think I understand hard work. You know, I understand what it's like to have to have a job to get stuff. Like, you know, you want to buy a new pair of pants, you need to get a fucking job. You know, you need to get a car. Well, you have to save up.

But all those things you're describing, you can do poor. Growing up poor for me is like. Like growing up watching your parents fight over who is gonna pay the child support. You know what I mean? I think you can grow up fine.

Right.

And still work or.

My parents didn't fight. My stepmom and my. Excuse me. My stepdad and my mom have been together for a long time, and they have a very good relationship. So that, like, modeled for me when I was a kid. My parents got split up, my biological dad and my mom, when I was 5, and my mom married my stepdad when I was like, seven.

Where's your dad? Dad?

We don't talk.

Oh, we don't talk.

I don't know. But. But my stepdad's a great guy.

So you have good parents.

They have a. They modeled a good relationship when I was a kid of people that don't yell at each other, don't fight, and that's nice. Get along. That's how you do disagreements and stuff.

Relationship.

Yeah, they have disagreements, but they're nice to each other, kind to each other. And, you know, if you see that when you're a kid, you go, oh, this is possible. But if you see, like, chaos all the time and everyone's fighting and screaming and yelling at each other, you're like, keep me the fuck away from whatever this is.

Yeah.

You know, because I remember I watched my grandmother and my grandparents. My grandmother was always yelling at my grandfather and was like, oh, don't stay married, whatever you do. I was like, well, when I was a little kid, I was like, you got to get out while you can.

Yeah. I think that's why there's so many avoidant men right now, is because I think there's so many of those, like, lazy boy dads who are, like, dissociated, looking at a TV that isn't on. And every time they try to, like, you know, every time you're like, hey, Jim, how's it going? They're like, wife flies in, is like, don't talk to Ambrose. Like, there's so many couples like that.

Well, there's a lot of cucked out men out there. Cucked out by their job, cucked out by life. You know, you just stop being a man, and then you stop getting any respect from the people that know you because they know you're kind of a. The people that really know you. Like, your wife and your kids really know you. Like, oh, Harry. Harry's a. Yeah.

There's so many boomers like that, though. There's so many where it's. The dad is so quiet and so distant and the mom is just so up. Everyone's.

Thoreau wrote about that. Like, what. Whenever he wrote this. You said most men live lives of quiet desperation.

That's.

Yeah, that's. That's but that's real.

But why does it happen?

Well, there's a whole bunch of reasons. Because you stop challenging yourself or you never did. You stop growing. And. And you. You don't have any character. You don't exhibit a strong will, and you don't have discipline. And then, you know, you're emotionally disconnected from the life that you've chosen. And then you have a job where you have to pretend to be someone you're not for eight hours, work for a boss who's a piece of shit.

And then you lose the job because the job becomes irrelevant.

And then you're. You're a broken man. And then you're like, 46 years old, and they're telling you to learn to code.

Yeah.

Like, oh, great.

Yeah. Yeah. That's fucked.

A lot of people. They don't know what to do. And they didn't get good advice when they were young. They didn't get a good direction. You know, they didn't. They didn't find something that they could focus their energy on and realize, like, oh, if I focus my energy on something, whatever it is, I can get better at stuff. Stuff. I'll start off sucky. But, yeah, you keep working at it, and eventually you get. Some people never learn that.

Well, it'd be nice if they could also focus on being a parent. Like, I feel like the women stay loud because they're like, I'm a mother. I'm Mama Bear. You know? So I'm like, it'd be nice if the dads would get off the Lazy Boy and be like, I'm gonna help raise my kids instead.

You know, it's just some people are just beaten, like.

Yeah, it's just.

They wanted to be Spider Man.

Yeah. Yeah.

They wanted to be cool. They wanted. They wanted to have a good life, and life just cracked them in the dick every time. Made a move.

Yeah.

You know, they got their car repossessed. Oh, Jesus. Credit card.

There's got to be something biological, though, that makes a man. Not like, you have the pride. Bert Kreischer. I just talked about it. Like, you guys have the pride in your children. Hardcore. Like, as soon as I met you, showed me a photo of your daughter. You know what I mean? Like, but I do feel like there are a lot of men who are like, that's not my responsibility.

Oh, that's crazy. That's crazy. Well, maybe it's the way they were raised, you know, But.

But maybe if you had lost your job, if you weren't in comedy and you retired and didn't have your. Didn't have your passion. Maybe you wouldn't be as gung ho about being a dad. Or maybe you'd feel like a failed dad. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe they feel like a failed dad.

Perhaps. I don't know. I would have figured it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

I just don't believe that. I just. If I lost my job doing something, I would find another job. I would figure it out.

Yeah, there's.

There's other paths. You don't just stay still if the path doesn't work out. And some people do.

Some people do. I didn't know that until recently that some people really do stay still forever.

Oh, they quit that. Well, that's why they love unemployment. Because they could just get a check and just still. And just wallow.

There's so many people who are against unemployment that still. That still stay still, that are like, fuck, fuck unemployment. I'm not using the government.

Yeah, well, that's even sillier, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, people are weird. You know, it just.

If I quit comedy right now, there'd be like three jobs that I would be. Be almost just as stoked about.

What? What would those be?

I would love to be a full time contractor out in the sticks. I would be a philosophy professor or a therapist.

Really?

Yeah. All of those sounds sick.

Which one sounds the most sick?

Philosophy professor. Because you kind of become a therapist when you are a professor, you know, I mean, you have those kids that are up, so they're reading philosophy. And then like me, I was going in there being like.

Or the guys that are trying to get aid.

Yeah.

Trying to become.

It's a lot of dorks.

Bet.

It's like I was the only girl major in my class and the rest were dorky guys. Dorks who wore ties to class. Yeah.

Well, philosophy itself is a strange thing because you're just thinking about a structure of how you interface with the world.

Yeah. I had. It was the only thing I could study. Well, everything else, I was like, why would I study something that's already been known? This is crazy. But philosophy was like, like, no, they're all just trying to figure out life. Which I was like, okay, I get that. And none of them are correct. And they're like, none of them are correct. And I was like, great. Because I. I would study science and be like, we know the exact measurement of how to find out this thing. I'd be like, why do I want to study that? There's nothing New here.

My favorite book of philosophy. I. I started reading when I was like. I guess I was 16. Is the Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi. He's a samurai who killed 60 men in one on one combat. Combat with swords. But he was all about the way to become a great sword fighter is you have to be balanced. Like, you can't have any holes in your game as a human being. You have to be an artist, you have to be a poet, you have to learn calligraphy. You have to be completely balanced. And you have to see the thing for what it is. You can't have any. You can't have any fat. Right? We were talking about fat.

No delusion.

You can't have any. There's no. When you're sword fighting, but don't.

Sometimes. Do you ever feel like you're in that flow state in your life where you'll be like, I have all these moving parts and I have it down. And like. Like, I recently had this where I was like, I'm oil painting, I'm doing stand up. I have my friends, I'm in this groove. And then something will happen where I'll just like, have like explosive diarrhea or something. Like, something will happen where I'm just like, jesus Christ. I thought I was fucking suave. I had this shit. I used to do that with poker, where I'd be like, I have this whole poker game on lock. And then something would happen. Like. Like, it's almost like one of those swords that you have to have in balance is also humility. Like, you also have to be like. And I'm a person who still has a butthole, you know?

Right. And that has to happen and things go sideways always.

Yeah. Because I would be like, I'm gonna get in this flow state. Da ba ba da ba da. And then I'd mess up a word on stage and I'd be like, I'm an idiot, you know? So I have to keep that. Also be like, you also are fallible.

Well, that's what's a good thing about standup. It's like, it smacks you every time you do it. Wrong.

Yeah.

You got to do it right.

If you. It's crazy how true it is that you're only good. As good as your last set.

You are.

It's crazy.

Yeah, it's why, like, if you have a bad set, you can't wait to get on stage again. Like, get me up there, dude.

I was like, I'm doing no sets in Austin Bomb last night. Hitting Rebecca up. I'm like, what do you got? Crazy.

Let me bust out some old.

I should have hit up Mothership.

Yeah, come tonight. What are you doing tonight? My show.

Oh, okay.

Do it.

What time's it at?

7?

Yeah, that would actually be good.

Let's fucking go.

Let's do it. I was, dude, there's a clip I wanted to post about. That's really funny about your. About your club, where I was like, you get in here and there's a guy who's like, my name's Kyle. I'll carry you up this flight of stairs. I have a PhD in MMA. I'm gonna pass you up to Derek. Derek has an AK47. And we get in the green room and I'm like, they're like, do you need anything? We'll kill people for you. And I was like, could I have some, like, almonds or snacks? And they're like, no. We have smelling salts. I'm like, wait. I was like, is there any just like, water bottles? They're like, no. We have neurotropic dust.

It was so funny. Neurotropic. We were in the green room the other day and someone had called us like some alt right white supremacist club. I was in the room with Brian Simpson, who's black. Derek Poston, who's black. Asan Ahmad, who's Muslim. It was Tony Hinchcliff, Ron White, and me. I'm like, this is a pre diverse lineup. Like, what are we talking. This is so silly.

You're looking at comments. See, it's hard. It's hard to not look at.

It wasn't.

It was.

It was a video. It wasn't a comment. It was a video of someone that one of the guys was playing. It was like, look how fucking stupid this is. The idea that this, like that you had to be like, I'm not even a Republican. Like, I voted for Trump because I thought we were going in a terrifying direction where there was not really a president for four years and the same people are now going to be running the government.

Like, let's. Weren't you like a Bernie Bro?

Yes. So I. I've only voted Republican once in my life. The idea that you have to be a Republican to get in at that club is so ridiculous. That club is filled with gay people, black people, straight people, white people, Asian. No one gives a fuck.

Yeah, that J Room is.

You're just doing comedy. You're just doing comedy. Whoever you are, whatever you believe. We have tons of lively discussions.

I will say one Time I was there, and Jordan Peterson walked through, and I was like, you can't be here. That's too on the nose. That's crazy.

It is weird. Yeah.

That's crazy. With his daughter.

Oh, yeah. He came with his daughter. Yeah. He's been there a few times. Yeah. He even did Kill Tony.

Oh, he was on it.

Yeah, he was on Kill Tony? Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Post Malone. Post Malone had no idea. And I brought him on stage, had no idea what the show was. No idea what anything was. Just brought him up there.

Really?

I did that twice. Once with Post Malone and once with Tucker Carlson. I was having dinner with Tucker Carlson. I'm like, you want to go by and go see Kill Tony? And they were there, and I told Tony, and he's like, bring him on stage. I go, I'm not even gonna tell him what it is. So I go, dude, we're gonna go on stage. And he's like, what?

Oh, my God.

He was great.

Was he good?

Yes, he was funny. He was, like, laughing. He was cracking jokes with the comedians, back and forth.

Wow.

It was really a surprisingly great. Right.

Wait, you're not Republican. You used to be Bernie bro.

Yeah.

Are you Bernie bro?

I am. Look, I think the idea of socialism is wonderful. If everybody had their shit together and everybody was disciplined.

Yeah.

But it's not the case. And I think that human nature, unfortunately, you're gonna need some socialism, though, right? You're gonna need the fire department. Like, this is one of the things that I point to all the time. People say, oh, socialism does work. The fire department is an entirely socialist idea. Like, we all pay into it, and they take care of everybody's fire. Right? You can't have. Only the rich people have a fire department, and the poor people, their house burns down all the time. That's crazy. Right? We all agree to that. Well, that should be the same with education. That should be the same with health care. Are we a community or are we not? And if we're a community, you have to take care of the downtrodden, and you have to do it because it's bad for them. And it's also bad for you. You. We're all in this together, so you have to have a social safety net. I believe in all that, but I also believe you can't just give people free money because then they rely on it and they become dependent on it, and then it takes away their ambition, and then they don't do anything.

That's. That's true, too. It doesn't mean you're not compassionate. I don't like either one of these parties. Yeah, I don't think. I don't think they. There's a solution. That's correct. I think you have overcorrection after overcorrection action. I think you have. The country goes one way and then it swings hard the other way. Yeah, America's back. And then it swings the other way. Now we're the new America, and America's this way. It's like everyone's so tribal and everyone's so locked into their idea that they're the good guys and these are the bad guys. We got to get them back, and we're going to get them in the midterms. We're going to get him in the next elections. Like.

It'S crazy.

And it's how comedy.

Back and forth like that.

Yeah, sorta. It's all on who you talk to with comedy. It's like, there's a lot of bitter people out there. But, you know, that's that old expression. I forget who said that. That we brought this up before, that all criticism is the tragic result of unmet needs.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a paraphrase. But there's a lot of that. There. There's a lot of, like, Yeah, I don't like how Jordan is like, why does she have a fucking neck? Netflix special. She milled for me once and she didn't even do good.

Yeah. Did somebody say that?

No.

Dude, I'm just somebody who. I mean, I. I'll date a libertarian and become a libertarian. I'll. Somebody will talk to me about Israel. I'll listen to one Sam Harris episode. Now all of a sudden, I'm Zionist. I'll talk to. I talked to John Marco the other day. Now I'm all pro Palestine. Like, whatever it is. I switch back and forth. And then I do podcasts, and people are like, you are. And I'm like, well, I'll tell you what I am. I'm an idiot, dude. I will switch. I will move, like. But I do think that's what makes a comedian, is somebody who can try on so many different perspectives. And it is hard that people are looking at comics like politicians.

You're not an idiot because both sides have points. That's why you can be swayed one way. I mean, doubling down is just going down the rabbit hole of whatever that ideology believes because, like, they probably have a really good pitch. And then, you know, if you talk to the socialists, they probably have a real good pitch.

Yeah, totally.

It's Just.

But I double down in a way that's like. I'll be like, this thing's bad. And then the next day, I'll be like, actually, it's pretty good. Like, I'll. I'll stop eating meat. And being like, anybody who eats meat sucks. And then somebody be like, you want to bite his burger, the iron, or hit me? And I'll be like, cows, dude. Like, I go too hard in the paint on both sides. And I do. I remember. I remember in college, these girls would bully me, and I remember being like, why don't you guys like me? And they were. They. You just have too strong of convictions. And I was like, oh, interesting. Because I always thought that was a good thing. And I think for comedy, it is to be like, you get up on stage or you do a podcast and you go, what if I just try on this idea hardcore? And that's, like, an interesting thing to do as opposed to being like, well, I see. This is kind of good. And that's good, too. You know, like, there is something about comedy just being like, what if this is the truth right now?

That's an interesting thing to say to someone you're too strong of with your conviction.

I'll never forget that. I will never forget the girl who said it.

Did the girl give you an example?

It was just I would talk the way I talk where they'd be like. You know, I'd be like, women need to stop wearing dresses. High heels are ridiculous. Or I'd be like, men need to do this. Or women, you know, Or I'd be like. Or I'd be like, I'm gonna go ahead and say diners need to go. You know, like, whatever. It was just I'd be in or out on topics immediately, right? And they'd be like, you're just, like, too intense with your thoughts. And I'd be like, yeah, totally. Every. I mean, this is, like, why I would be bad in Nazi Germany. I mean, I hopefully would be okay, but I know I'd be somebody. Be like, wait, no, wait. No, it's crazy.

Well, I mean, is. There's got to be some sort of a psychological reason why all those people went along with that, right?

There's. I mean, yeah, they went along. I think a lot of it was. Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of it was just kind of dissociation, right?

Well, there's a little bit of that, but then there's also. There's a tribal mentality that kicks in. Like, there's a default switch that Happens to people.

Yeah.

And in this country, you saw a lot of it during COVID It was like the vaccinated people were hating on the unvaccinated. They should have their children taken away and, like, put them into camps. Like, do you hear yourself? You hear yourself?

It's so weird. Cause it's such a different. Like, I was with so many anti vaxxers. Like, I was. They were. They were my friends, but I was like, oh, I'm getting vaccinated. Because number one thing that's important to me is comedy. I have no idea if the vaccine gave me long Covid, if Covid gave me long, whatever the fuck, but I just have to perform. That's it. My health comes second.

Did you get long Covid?

Bro, my shit is fucked up. I can't. Like, those Ubers that have those smelly trees, I have to get out of. I get immediate migraines, like, because I. My smell is fucked up.

Your smell's fucked up.

Like, if you have deodorant that has, like, chemicals in it, it's rancid to me. Really? Yeah. And so many people were. People were coming.

That's your long Covid. You just smell things.

Smell. It's bad.

I don't think you can call that long Covid. Long covet. Yeah. Long coveted is people that are exhausted and they have, like, heart palpitations. And I got.

I got a synapse off. I got a synapse.

Sounds like you just got to upgrade in your nose.

I did get enough. Yeah, but it sucks, dude. If somebody's wearing cologne, I'm like, I gotta go.

Perfect.

Yeah.

I would take. I'd say you got a wolf nose.

I got a wolf nose.

Yeah. That's great. Great. Some people change the way you look at it.

You're right.

Yeah.

I thought I had long Covid and then I stopped eating sugar. I thought I had the bad one, and then I stopped eating candy. And I was like, well, hello. It's crazy.

Candy wrecks your. Isn't it nice?

And I was a little candy.

Oh, little candy slut.

I wasn't eating anything.

What does it say? Long coving can cause altered smell.

There it is.

Or parasomia, where things smell distorted, distorted, foul, or different than they used to, even if the initial COVID 19 symptoms have passed. So did you get this after you got, like. When did this start happening? Did you get Covid?

Yes, I got Covid vaccinated six times.

But of course you did.

I just had vaccinated.

The people who didn't get vaccinated. Got it once or twice.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah. They, you? They. Everybody. They, everybody. With that goddamn stupid.

I got it hard. See, I'll talk to you about this and then tomorrow my liberal mom will be like, the vaccine is good. And I'll be like, yes, Mommy. I agree.

It's a long conversation. It would take a long time to explain what was wrong. But it all boils down to the same thing that it always does, which is money. They distorted the facts, they distorted the research, they distorted the efficacy, they distorted what it was actually designed to do just because they wanted money. That's it.

Did we pay them for the vaccine?

Oh, yeah, they made a ton. Oh, money. It might have been free for you.

I like the idea of money. But aren't. Weren't. Isn't your camp in on like control? Mind control? Not mind control, but knowing. Knowing where we are. Like anti vax people.

I'm not an anti vax person.

What are you?

No.

Give yourself a label.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I believe that all medications should be subject to scrutiny. They should all go through rigorous, double blind, placebo controlled trials to find out what the side effects are, what the efficacy rate is, what's the real facts behind it.

And they'll just lie about that.

But this is why. This is why the problem is pharmaceutical drug companies do their own research. Not only do they do their own research, but they do their own research that they hide. So they'll do multiple studies that show no efficacy and then they'll rig one study where they can show just like a little bit of an improvement and then they just sell it and they start going with it. And they've done that before. They got sued because of Vioxx. Vioxx killed 50, 60,000 people. And through internal emails, the pharmaceutical drug company was saying, we're going to have these problems. And it listed all the different things that people wound up getting, including straight strokes. We're going to have these cardiovascular problems, cardiopulmonary problems, but whatever the wording was, I don't want to be quoted on it, but it will be good for us financially. We'll do well with this.

It's in the email.

Yeah, in the email. We'll do well with this. It killed 50 to 60,000 people. A friend of mine got a stroke. He got on Vioxx because he had knee problems. It was an anti inflammatory medication.

Sometimes there's fishy shit like that. Like sometimes I'll take Prozac from one place and from a Different place, very different thing.

Yeah. Because it's from Mexico, it's got fentanyl in it.

Weird shit going on. Yeah. What do you think about Ozempic?

We talked about that the other day with a guy who runs a pharmacy. The problem with it is that when they're dosing it out to people, they're giving everyone the same dose. And it should be dependent upon like, how much weight are you trying to lose? What is your body weight? There's a bunch of different factors that.

Holds on to poop.

Well, it doesn't seem to be good.

For you if poop is sitting in your body.

Poop stays in your body a little longer and food digests slower and it kills your appetite. But if you're morbidly obese and you might die from that, this is probably a good solution. So it's like, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I don't want it, I don't need it. But if I did, If I was £600 and I was in this and someone said, look, I can give you this thing, it'll kill your appetite. Like, fucking please.

Yeah, please, totally.

So it's beneficial for that. And then there's a problem with muscle loss and bone density loss. But my friend Brigham, who was on the other day, the episode's out now, he was saying that the issue is that they're giving them too much of a dose and if you mix it with other peptides, you can actually eliminate those problems. So there's a way to dose it out for people that are. And you would just lose nothing. But, but fat. It is possible to do. It just has to be done correctly.

So he was explaining, and right now it's willy nilly.

Well, right now everyone's just getting on it instead of just going to the gym. There's people that like need to lose £20. They're getting on Ozempic. Like, that's crazy. You can lose 20 pounds in a couple months.

The thing that's frustrating is because I used to be so fat, I used to have type 2 diabetes and I got rid of it, which is crazy. And like, it's frustrating.

You were still eating all that sugar, dude.

Well, that's the thing. It's is I can eat sugar exclusively, lose weight if I only eat the candy. Like, it was like this bizarre diet I would go on and then I just had to switch my mind. But that mental switch of being like, this is not for fun. This food is not for fun. You've had your fun Right. Like you did that. You did the candy, you did the pizza, you did all of that. Now we're using food as like the same way we use sleep, where it's like, I feel better when I get eight hours. Right, Right. And once you do that switch, it feels like things click into place. So with people on Ozempic, I'm like, if you could just get that turn of your brain, it would help. So if you could just. It does feel like a switch where you're like.

But think about what you had to go through with acid to get off the OCD. And now imagine you're £600 and you've been eating candy for 35 years. Yeah, that's. You know, it's a big switch. It's a battleship. Yeah, you can't just fucking.

I think recovery helps.

You gotta turn that motherfucker around. Did you see a sugar diet going viral earlier this year? Yeah, I know Mark Bell was really into that. Unlimited sugar, restricted protein ever be a good thing? What is the good is about what? It's literally, I swear I was paying attention when he says, like, there's no way you're saying just eat candy. It's not just candy. But I thought he was around. I know it's like fruit, but he's like, if candy's all you got, it's not the worst thing. But it's low protein, right? Yeah, it's like a certain amount of protein. There's a video of him explaining it if you want to watch that. So he weighs 95 kilograms, which is. What is that, like 225? Yeah, the video I just saw, you said he was like 207, 10. He was going to get under 200.

Does he have a face? Can we see his face?

Oh, he's a handsome guy, good looking guy. But it doesn't work with him because he's really fit and he's been doing a bunch of different stuff his whole life. Like he was Carnivore diet for a long time. It's not.

No, dude. See the deep sunken lines? That's sugar.

50 years old. No, this is the new thing. Like he's. He was always like this. This is what he looked like forever. And he used to be gigantic.

You know what position this was? A woman. We'd be like, that's anorexia. But. Because when I told people I was only eating sugar, they were like, that's anorexia.

Hold on. Show. Show what he looks like, Jamie. Show. Go. Go to his Instagram and wait. You see how Fit. This guy is like, this guy is in tremendous shape now.

Protein. Oh, the veins are getting me.

Well, he's always had those, but that's, that's my point. Like, click on that one on the right hand side. Like, look. That's what we're talking about. He's a big Jack dude. So for him to do this diet and say, you know, know, look, I've got this body. Well, bitch, you always have that body. Yeah, I don't know.

No, I mean, I've gotten very skinny off the all sugar diet, but it has effects. Yeast infection all the time. Deep dark circles from sugar. From sugar fucks up your sleep.

When did you stop with the sugar?

Like, two months ago. Oh, but I'm having ice cream today because my special came out. But we've been planning. We have been planning. We're going to Amy's ice cream and we're gonna have.

It's a great spot.

Yeah, but I've been off sugar. It just helps a lot. I've just been doing fats and like, stuff like that, which is great. And I can eat as much as it used to be. Like, I had everything I ate. I had to do a tiny amount. And now it's like, I can eat as many eggs and avocado.

Isn't that nuts?

It's a crazy.

It doesn't even seem like it's real.

I know.

If you just ate nothing but steak, you would lose weight. And everyone's like, no way. Like, yeah, because your body would regulate correctly. When you're done, you're doing done. Like if you, if you sit down, you have a 16 ounce steak. If you really only need 12 ounces, after 12 ounces, you'll stop eating. Yeah, that's all you're eating. But if you have mashed potatoes there and then a bowl of pasta and then an ice cream and then a cake.

Yeah. Try eating cake after you ate a whole avocado. You're like, I'm good. Like, you don't. The fat gets you. It's so crazy.

Also, your, your gut biome switches and your gut biome doesn't crave sugar anymore. It's that candidate.

The Candida is what? I did the Candida diet because every time I got my period, I had a yeast infection. And then it was just. I was itchy and I was like, what's going on? And I was like, I had brain fog and I chatgpt it and it was like, oh, you're riddled with Candida. And I was like, oh, I'll try the diet. And then I immediately started thinking faster and was not itchy at all.

Isn't that bizarre that your gut biome has an effect on your personality?

It's fucked up.

It's fucked up.

It's fucked up.

We are a literal ecosystem system. We want to think of ourselves as a person, but we're really like a life form that houses life forms.

Yeah. It's. I think it's because they. Our control panel is up here. Makes us think that we're this, like, unit that we can fuck with. Like, I think if our eyes were here, we would maybe be like, this is a whole collective system, but this us up. Like, I was watching this fat, huge, tall guy eat an ice cream cone the other day, and his arm was like this. And he was like 6, 7. He was just licking it. And I was like, it looks like this little man is eating this ice cream cone. Unbeknownst to this giant body down below. Like, it looks like this little guy's just riding this big guy. And I think that if we could just slide this down.

Yeah. Body awareness of what you are as a whole. But that's also a lot of people don't do anything with their body. So their body is just like a truck that they drive around.

Right. And we do have a mouth. I have a vagina, which is a mouth. You know what I mean? We have the. More face down there. There's crazy. The uterus is a. Another head. Head and the gut and everything. We just don't have eyeballs there. So we forget about it completely.

Really? It's a head?

I think so. Yeah. It's a fucking whole thinking thing. Your gut is freaking. All these praying.

It's definitely thinking. Your heart thinks too. There's neurons in your heart, but the.

Serotonin in the gut and the brain and stuff. It feels pretty balanced. It's just the eyeballs fuck us up.

Well, if we could have an understanding that you're an actual system, it would be a lot better for people. Because so many people just think like, oh, I don't want to worry about my body. I'm worried about my brain. Brain. Like, they think it's almost like vain to think about your body. And vain is stupid.

Yeah.

It's okay. But there's no virtue in being a weak piece of, like, that's not good for you.

Yeah. And it's just impacting.

Yeah. It's not intelligent to not take care of your body.

Stupid. Yeah. It's crazy. It is. Yeah. And the second I start I stop working out. It is so weird how much pent up energy and then I'm like lethargic and then I have to eat sugar and it all gets crazy.

Also you getting anxiety. You're like, oh, start freaking.

Anytime I participate in self deception in any way, it bleeds into everything. Like anytime I'm neglecting some part of my life, you can like smell it on me. The second I walk in I'm like, hey, sorry, I didn't, I shouldn't be. You know, I have this whole air and it's like I just needed to do my dishes. I would have been fine.

That's Miyamoto Musashi.

Oh, that's the sword.

Literally. That's his book is like you have to be balanced. You have to balance everything.

Everything that's good. But then sometimes don't you go sicko mode where you go it.

Yeah, kinda, but not for long periods of time.

Do you drink?

Yeah, but I don't. I haven't drank in a long time, but I will. Yeah, Like I'll have a glass of wine, but it's been like it was many months before I had anything and then I had like a margarita and I was like, okay, you felt nothing. I mean, I didn't do it because I was an alcoholic. I did it because it's bad for, for you. I was like, why am I doing this? Because I. I drink at my club. I'll have a couple drinks at the club a couple nights a week and then I'll go out with my wife, have a drink or two. And then maybe I'll do a podcast with someone who wants to have a drink. And so we'll have like a little whiskey, clink glasses and we're talking. Get a little tipsy after a while. You're like, you're poisoning yourself.

Yeah.

You're drinking 7, 10, 15. 15 drinks in a week. Yeah, like that's not good. And then I stopped and I was like, oh my God, it feels so much better. And then I felt stupid. I felt stupid for not doing it.

I did the same thing. I'm a sugar addict and a love addict. I'm not an alcoholic. But I was like, I can't, I can't be having extra sugar where I'm not. Where I don't need it.

Oh, that's funny.

So much candy.

So you got off the alcohol because of the sugar?

I had to choose. I was like, it's Swedish fish or alcohol. I had, I had to make the decision and I was puffy all the time. I couldn't stand the little puff.

That's not good either. Yeah, the puffy's bad.

And then you have a glass of wine because you're like, I can treat. And I'd be like, just, like, fully retarded instantly, right? Yeah.

Because your body's not used to it.

Yeah. And so I was like, well, this isn't that fun either.

Yeah.

So I'll just not do it.

Yeah. I think a lot of people, more now than I think ever before, are abstaining from alcohol. There was just a study recently about young people, about alcohol consumption in young people is down by. What was the number? I think it's something crazy. Like 25%.

Well, it's. Cause they're not having sex.

Is that what it is?

I mean, Gen Z, I need to touch this.

Need to touch that. That's Harlan Williams snake.

I love Harlan Williams so much.

I love him, too. It was on the table when Trump was here, and he got so happy that his snake. So he had that snake in his pants the entire time he was doing a podcast. And he told me that he got a tapeworm, and then he named his tapeworm Dimitri Tree. And I'm like, you have a worm? Yeah, I got a worm. I picked it up. Like, it just, you know, it was a gag.

Yeah.

At the end, he pulled. He's like, oh, the worm's coming out. And like, ah. Reaches into his.

He had it the whole time.

The whole time. He pulls out this snake and he puts it on the table. And it's been there ever since. So when I had Trump on the podcast, he was so happy that Dimitri the snake was on the table.

Pants. His little snake pants. That's awesome. That's such a. Look at this. That's. I love. Dude. Harlan was talking to us about Rocketman and how they didn't put out Rocket man because there's a song in it where he imitates being Chinese. Like, he does it with everybody. He does it with German, where he's like, in the world. And then he does a Chinese accent where he's like, da chang cha chong, Right?

Yeah.

And they just, like, buried it. Like, it. That came out with Tarzan and they buried the shit out of Rocket man and let Tarzan, like, take the. The. And I was like, I looked it up. Tarzan is, like, based off seriously racist original story.

Was it really?

Yeah. Which is so interesting. Like, rock.

Edgar Rice Burrows, the original Tarzan.

Was it.

Was it Edgar Rice Burrows?

Is Tarzan the one where it's like. And will be. Yeah, yeah. Tarzan look up Tarzan. Racist ties. It is there.

So from the original book?

I think so, yeah. Like the original, original, original.

Well, it was old. It was a story.

Yeah.

A white guy who lives with the chimpanzees and figures it out. He lives with the apes, becomes a king. Of course.

Yeah. But I think even before then it was more racist. I mean, this was a Google. This could have been one of my things. Maybe.

I don't think I've ever read it. I think I've read the comic books, I've seen the movies. I don't think I ever read Tarzan, the Edgar Rice Burroughs novel.

No, I haven't read that either. I think this was pre that, though. But this could have been me Googling and finding it and being like, see? But Rocket man getting Rocketman's so good. And if I had seen that as a kid, I would have been so stoked.

So it's one of Harlan's comedies?

Yeah, yeah, his first. Okay, so it's his first movie and he's so goofy in it, but he does all these voices for different nationalities. And at one point he does Chinese and it's such a funny scene.

And 1997.

Yeah. Did you find.

I don't think anything I knew about that movie.

It's. I didn't know about it either. But we had Harlan on the pod and Ian was like, I'm obsessed with this movie. So then me and Ian watched it and it's like the best. It's like exactly what you want your kid to see. It's like a doofus who makes it as an astronaut because he's smart in his own.

But they fucked up with the Chinese thing. Huh? Was the one accent that. You can't make fun of one accent.

He did all the other accents.

So weird.

I. I don't get that. Why is that the one?

We live in a bizarro time.

It's very weird.

Very weird time.

It's also funny because Disney was like, yeah, the scene goes in, we approve it. And then. And then they're like, wait, actually, it's not. That's fucked up.

Well, you know, people approve dumb all the time.

Yeah.

Fear factor. They improve people drinking cum. And that's how the show.

Yeah, dude, I was obsessed with.

And piss.

I was about to say, did you ever watch it again? I'm like, you're on it. But those people do not. I used to think they were like, hot people. They're like trash. Little trash. Like, growing up, when I was watching, I was like, oh, my God, I Want to grow up to look like her. And then I look back and I'm like, this is white dreads. Crazy lunatics. I was obsessed with that show.

Well, they made them drink cum, but it wasn't bowl come, it was donkey.

Oh, yeah, Donkey.

Donkey come and donkey urine. They had to play horseshoes to see how much donkey come and donkey urine.

Did they say come? Oh, semen.

Sperm. I think we said sperm.

No way. And they aired it.

Well, not really. See, that's what got the.

Imagine drinking the cum and not having your episode air.

Well, people drank the cum and didn't win.

The cum is not a problem for me. I would have drank the cum.

Would be more of a problem.

Urine, Fine. For me, it was the spiders in the mouth.

The gals chose the urine over the cum or the cum, rather over the urine.

But, oh, yeah, okay. Would rather hilarious to think it's Donkey Juice.

The episode's called Donkey Juice, but I don't know if that's really what it's called. See, the thing is, it never aired. I think Donkey Juice was like the internal name for the episode or the stunt. But so it did air in other countries, though. That's why you can still watch it on YouTube. Because it aired in. I think it aired Denmark or some shit.

They had to just jerk off a bunch of donkeys.

No, no.

How did they get the call?

I used to had a bit about it in my act. They take it and they shove it up the donkey's ass and they shock their prostate. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They just buzz.

They love that shit. Yeah, that's donkey rape.

It's more than that. It's kind of alien. You're an alien abducting this donkey and forcing it to come.

That's brutal.

And with electroshock. And then, you know, they got like a tube in the end where they're collecting it all for a show that we had buckets of it and the donkeys paid. How many donkeys got jacked off because there was buckets of it? Look.

No, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You know what? I always assumed that was fake.

Oh, no, it was super real. Hundred percent. Yeah.

That's crazy.

There's laws. Like, there's laws. Which was really good because, like, people say, how do I get on Fear Factor? Like, if you've ever met me, you can't get on the show. So you can't talk to me about it. If you want to get on the show, you can't talk to me right now.

Yeah.

And it will, like, get Me. Out of conversation.

That's good.

Yeah. Nice.

That's really good.

Yeah. Because I can't help anybody get on the show. But there's laws. Like, you can't say it's Donkey Kong when it's not Donkey Kong. It. It is. Come. You're drinking.

Come.

Yeah. Otherwise your. Your show's not a game show anymore.

How'd they get all that stuff? All the worms. So many worms.

Farms. Worm farms.

Oh, yeah. For bait.

Yeah. And then cockroach farms, where the people that eat cockroaches, you had to put them on a specific diet for X amount of time before they're allowed to be consumed by people. Yeah. You can't just have them eating garbage and rotten meat.

And the spiders in the mouth where they were climbing out. That was the one that me and my sister would watch to torture ourselves where they were. Couldn't get the spider in the mouth because it was climbing out.

Yeah. It was brutal. Ridiculous show. I literally signed up for it because I thought it was going to be canceled immediately and I'd have a lot of material.

Were you able to tell jokes on it?

No, no.

They limited the. Out of you?

No, they. They. If I said something that they thought was controversial, most of the time, they would edit it out.

Did Jackass come? Jackass was after Fear?

No, I think it was before. During, I guess. Was it? I think so. Okay. I was obsessed with the first one was Survive. Survivor was the first one on TV where you're like, yo. Which is still on the air. Which is crazy.

That is. I thought the Osbornes.

Well, that was a reality show. There was ones before that. Right. There was totally Paulie. That was kind of a reality show.

Okay. Okay.

You know. But totally Poly.

Was that Paul Shore?

Yeah. He had a. He had like, a very famous MTV reality show. Totally Poly, where he just around. Just traveled around, met people. That's a reality show. But, like, I'm not wrong, right? Wasn't Survivor the first one of those kind of shows? Game show? No, you know, like a game show, but a reality reality. Reality game show. I think so. I mean, it definitely caught. There was that wavy that came out around the same year as, like, American Idol. What year did Survivor start? I think it's like 90s. I was in high school. I'll check. Was like 2000. Ish. 99. 2000? Yeah. So Survivor was the first one that was. That was the big one. I just can't believe it's still in the air. That's nuts.

Was fear factor you 2000 31st.

Oh, so it was only like a year before Fear Factor, because Fear factor started in 2001. They're gonna do a new one now that. Who the hell's hosting it? Wait, Johnny Knoxville, Survivor comes full circle. No, Fear Factor. I think there's a new Fear Factor that Johnny Knoxville is gonna help.

That's awesome.

So it all comes full circle.

And you hated it.

No, no, I didn't hate it. It's just like, it was a job.

You were really sweet to the people.

I was trying to be.

You're very nice to them.

I try to be nice.

I remember being like, that's a comforting. You'd be a good acid person to trip acid. You know what I mean? Maybe that's how. Maybe that's how you got good at. I mean, that's. I mean, that's a up trip to be like, you're gonna put these things in your mouth.

There's that. But I would also. Some people would be scared to do a stunt, and I'd be like, look.

We have to make money.

You 100 could do this. You know, people that have never really completely challenged themselves are not sure of where their boundaries lie, and they get really scared.

Yeah.

When something new and crazy is about to happen, and they get overwhelmed by anxiety and you can get them and go, hey, listen to me. You know that voice in your head telling you not to do this? Yeah, fuck that voice. You can do this. And when you get done, you're gonna be so happy. You're gonna be so happy. But you just have to do it. It's not gonna be nearly as bad as you think it is. Just force yourself to do it. And you could do it and they would do it. Yeah. It's because, like, I. When I was a kid, from the time I was, like, 15 years old, I was teaching Martial Arts. So I. I'm used to coaching people. I bring people to tournaments and people that were scared and they were gonna have to fight and compete, and I would coach them in the corner. You in the corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just went to the Serrano Katie Taylor match.

Oh, did you really? It's a great fight, dude.

I have. Can I say, I am straight as they come, but Katie Taylor, man, you.

Get some of that.

Dude, I just think she's the most attractive woman, the way she goes. And I fight for the Lord, and she's like, dude, when they're all brain afterwards, and she's like, I just want to go ahead and thank everybody for coming. And I. Number one and you're like, nobody knows what you're saying.

Right.

The brain damage, though, is crazy. I box, and I am not.

I still box.

Yeah, I box, but I don't. I mean, I. I. When my trainer is in town, but even sparring, I'm like, we gotta do this occasionally because I'm up afterwards.

Yeah. I have friends that still spar. I'm like, stop doing that.

Yeah, a lot of people aren't sparring at all. They just fight.

Well, that's rare. Most fighters sparring, There's a few that don't. Like Max Holloway, for a while wasn't sparring because he was trying to preserve himself for fights. But then when he had to fight Dustin Poor, or when he had Justin Gaethje, I think it was with Justin Gaethje's like, I gotta start sparring again because I'm gonna fight someone who's really dangerous. You can't have any.

It's just. So when you start. When I started boxing, I was like, I'm never gonna spar. That's crazy. And then, like, a month in, I was, like, so addicted, and it was so much fun. It felt like you were training so that you could spar.

It is fun to do.

And then I would do a podcast and be like. I say beige, and I'd be like, oh, we can't do that. We can't do that. And you listen to Serrano and Katie when they're, like, fighting in those, like, press conferences, and it sounds like two drunk kids. Like, they're like, no, she fucking said that we were gonna. And you're like, this is. I cannot be doing that.

Well, the real rough one is. And you talk to guys that are in, like, their 50s and they've been retired for years, and they're slurring their words. You barely understand what they're saying.

Yeah. And they have so much money, but what do they.

Well, some of them don't even have the money anymore. Usually they go through a few divorces because they're crazy.

Yeah.

No one can stay with them. They're out of their mind.

Yeah.

You know, and they're probably alcoholics because their brain's completely shattered.

Yeah. Do they get. The men get more aggressive when they get brain damage?

Yeah, they definitely can. It depends entirely on the individual.

But the women get CT. Oh, yeah.

100. Yeah. They can get aggressive, too. Really get. They get real impulse. Impulsive men and women that have brain damage, they get impulsive. They can't control their instincts, their impulses. Rather, they have addiction problems. Because they feel off. Right. So they want to drink alcohol to get to calm down or do cocaine. A lot of them wind up doing.

Coke to feel up because they're fried.

You're fried, your brain's cooked. Your endocrine system's all fucked up. Your pituitary glands been bouncing around inside your fucking skull.

Is your brain fucking?

Probably a little bit.

Yeah.

Like just the right amount.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When did you stop?

Well, I stopped fighting when I was 22, I think was my last fights, and I stopped sparring when I was like 27 or 28.

Oh, good. So you had the gummy.

I did a little bit sparring later when I was in my 30s.

Do you do jiu jitsu?

Yeah.

Do you grapple with you?

But. Yeah. But that. The. The brain damage you get from that is rare. It's not.

Maybe I should do that. My mom always tells me that Kim Con does it.

Ask her about it.

Okay. I just. The boxing, the hitting.

Yeah. Don't do that.

But I like. But even just training with mitts, I have such a rage issue that beating the out of something feels so. Even when I go to the gym and just beat the out of the bag, I feel so much better.

It's super good for you. There's nothing better to, like, relieve stress than hitting the bag. It's the best. Don't stop doing that. I mean, definitely keep hitting pads, but don't get any brain damage.

You know what I'm worried about? Jiu jitsu?

What?

The fainting.

You're gonna get choked out. You're just gonna to black out the moment someone even comes close to choking you out.

Yeah. If anybody does any risk and getting no.

Any arteries stuck in a triangle, you're just going to fall asleep and they're.

Going to be like, I did a good job. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Because I have friends that do it. And they're like, yeah. And then my bone was up against mine. I'm like, I'm done. Do not. No.

Yeah. Talk to Kim. It is rough, but it's super addictive once you do it and you get used to it. It's very addictive.

Addictive puzzle.

It's a game. Yeah. You're playing a game, and you get better at the game the more you play it. And you know the game is get somebody in an arm bar, right.

But the arm bar is. All of it is slightly representing breaking them, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That makes me not cap.

You have to tap so your arm doesn't get broke.

The idea of Overextending somebody's body part is brutal.

It is brutal.

That's so gross.

It's gross, but it's very.

But I think that.

Cool. Very useful skill.

I know, but the boxing is just, bam.

You know, Useful, too.

Breaking somebody's nose, I could do.

But he couldn't break their arm.

I could not. No. The idea of, like, bone coming through. Crazy.

Choke them. Put them asleep.

Yeah. Have you put. You put a lot of people to sleep?

Not a lot of people.

Is it a good feeling to be put to sleep?

I don't know.

You've never been put to sleep?

No, I've never been put to sleep, no.

Really?

No.

Are you scared to be put to sleep?

No, no, I just tap when I know I'm right.

Right, right, right. Your body probably taps.

No, you tap.

I know, but you probably. Your instinct. Like, even if you're like, put me to sleep, you'd still probably be like, no, actually, no.

No. You gotta know, like, when you're going. Right. So, like, if you're getting choked, if, like, someone's got my back and they've got a choke in, there's a point in time where I know I'm not getting out of this. You just tap. It's smart. It's stupid to fight it off because you get injured. Injured, and then you wind up being really fucked up.

I love watching mma.

Do you?

Yeah. When they jump on their backs like that. When they go full monkey style.

Have you ever been to it live?

No, just that fight. It was a big deal. I went. Netflix took me thinking.

Oh, yeah. But that's a boxing match. You should go to a UFC live. It's bananas.

Really.

Yeah, it's bananas. It's. Yeah.

I loved going to the Serrano Man.

Are you at the club this weekend?

Who's at the. No, I'm in Rochester this weekend.

Oh. Oh, cool. There's a ufc. I was going to say there's UFC in San Antonio on Saturday night.

I'll go in New York for sure. Whenever.

When it's in New York. Okay. I'll get you tickets. It's going to be in Madison Square Garden in November.

I'll go if you're going to be around.

Okay. Yeah.

So sick. Oh, my God. I'm going to wear a fur coat.

Yeah. You'll love it. It's. And seeing it in the Garden is kind of special.

Yeah.

Where was anything?

Oh, they were in the Garden. Serrano. No. Yes.

Was it? Were they?

Yeah, it was.

Big room and a smaller room.

Big. Sold it out.

Wow.

Toronto made 14 mil or something. I mean, they made. I know.

That's great.

Isn't that great?

That's awesome. Yeah.

And the. The card was incredible. Watching them.

Massive. Square Garden has got a lot of energy in that room, too. There's something crazy about that room. Yeah, it's just like, the amount of concerts and fights and events that have taken place and that you feel it in the building. When you walk in. You, like. You walk in, you're like, whoa.

Yeah, it's intense.

This place is alive.

It's awesome.

Yeah. Like, when you go to a new arena and they're brand new, and you walk in the door and it's empty, and you're wandering around like, wow, cool place. But you walk in the garden, you're like, yo, this place is alive. It's got memories in here.

The other ones feel like racquetball. Like, you could. You know what I mean? Like, you could hit a racquetball around in one. It's like they're the stage, because I've done arenas with Tom Segura, and you can definitely feel the ones that have, like, been there versus the ones that they put up recently.

Yeah. Yeah. They have history. History is burned into buildings.

I'm so bad at rotating.

Oh, it's weird.

It's so weird.

It's the best way, though, because it's the only way you can do an arena where it's intimate. So what we're talking about is a stage that's round.

Oh, yeah. In the round.

In the round. Yeah.

It's like, just say a joke, then pivot. Just every time I get up there. And I'd be like, here's my joke. I'm gonna turn to these people now, and I'm gonna turn every single time.

That's funny, though.

Yeah, it was totally great, but I couldn't do the, like, natural rotation.

The good thing about it is, though, it makes the show intimate. Even though there's 16,000 people there. Yeah, because there's people on this side facing people on the other side, so everybody realizes they're all in it together.

And the Jumbotron, I mean, my Netflix special is shot. I was like, wherever your camera is, shovel the fuck up my nose. Like, I'm so sick of seeing specials where I'm watching their whole body the whole time. Like, show my face, because my facial movements are, like, half of my joke.

Right.

And in the arena, you get that. Like, I remember watching Louie at the Hulu at the Hulu Theater, and it was just the Fucking jumbotrons. You saw every little movement he was making, and I was like, that's so sick. Because it's so. In a club, you see that, right?

You know, and that's what you want to see, especially if you're looking at it on the screen. Screen. Which is weird.

Yeah. And then sometimes you watch somebody and you're like, I should just have gone home and watched this. Then I would see their face.

Right.

But the Jumbotron nails you, and it's so sick.

Yeah. Well, that's the good thing about the round, too. You could have your back to them and they totally can still see your face.

I know, but I'm always worried about my butt. Crazy. I want, like, a trench coat or something.

Wear a trench coat. Do like Kinison used to do.

Oh, yeah.

Kinison used to wear a trench coat.

I can go Trinity. Trinity for me. Matrix.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you ever hear that lady that claims that she wrote the Matrix and they stole the idea from her?

Dude, Anime wrote that. That's, like, ancient as hell.

And Matrix. It's both of them, right? She says she wrote both of them. Yeah. Does. Is there any credibility to what she says? We don't know.

I had a joke about the Matrix that people were upset about where I was upset that the. The Wachowski sisters were in the top 10 female directors.

Oh, no. Are they really?

Yeah, because I was like, if they had come into, say they had come into MGM as sisters, being like, we want to pitch a movie, like in the 90s. Like, we want to pitch a movie. It's about a guy and he's in a simulation. They'd be like, how about you simulate my dick in your mouth? You know what I mean? Like, and it's not, like, anti anything, but people still got mad. But, yeah, that joke is. That was one of my favorites for a while because I'm obsessed with the Matrix. It's my favorite movie.

It's a great movie, and I think we're about to literally live it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're real close.

I'm in the camp that everybody thinks I'm fully retarded. They just told me a lot on Twitter. The AI is going to help things, not hurt things. I'm hold. I would like the record to state that this is my theory, because I think it's going to be proved right.

You think that AI is going to help people, not hurt things?

Yes.

That's interesting. How do you think that that's going to happen? Happen?

I just think that the whole Catastrophic. This is going to be an entity that ends all of us. I don't think it's going to do that. I think that maybe I'm just looking at the positive side, but I think it's such a smart piece of technology that was so in the works the whole time to be made that it's going to help us solve problems. I think humanity has been trying to create somebody that can work on a supercomputer level to solve problems faster and more efficiently.

Yeah, that's definitely the best case scenario. Use for it.

Right. But the corporations are evil. And.

Yeah, the problem is they've already shown that these large language models can be programmed with ideology. Right. So did you ever see the disaster they had with Google Gemini when they first launched it, where they said, show us images of Nazi soldiers? And they had multiracial Nazi soldiers. Yeah, they like, an Asian woman was a Nazi soldier, a black woman, an Indian. They had a Native American lady who's a Nazi. Yeah, that's not real. Okay. So your ideology, by making everything diverse, you've distorted history. Like, so your ideology interfered with truth. Okay, so that means we do that.

When we take down all the.

Right. But we're not statues. But we're. Right, but we're not supposed to be this large language model. This large language model is supposed to be eventually super intelligence in artificial frame form. Right. So a super intelligence wouldn't do that. It would know that Nazis were German and they were. You know, it wasn't Nazi that they asked for. They asked for German soldiers, and then it gave people in color, which. 1943. Which would have been Nazi soldiers. Yeah. Why Even getting all technical. That's. Well, that's. I mean, you're asking a large language model to do something. I know, but it did show German soldiers that were wearing Nazi swastikas, that were multiracial. I'm just saying it didn't. It didn't. The question. You have to be specific when you're talking German soldier, which happened to be Nazi. I was trying to. With that music stuff all night. And you have to be very specific when you want. When you want something.

There's any possibility that it could be something that is. That we have control over, not that we have control over. And we use it for like. Don't you think we've always been scared about everything? About science, about microscopes, about social media, the printing press.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, there was. They were terrified when people first developed trains. They thought people's bodies were gonna explode if they went over 35 miles an hour. Yeah, for sure.

The human error removed is sick. Dude, those Waymo cars are sick. The doctors using ChatGPT, they're doing such a better job.

Yeah, no, there's definitely a lot of pluses. The problem is control. It's always the problem. And every person that has an enormous amount of power should be carefully scrutinized. And the kind of power that you're going to have if you are in control of essentially a digital God. Like it becomes a problem when human beings are involved. Now if they become completely autonomous, then you have a problem with us being irrelevant.

But that's what I'm talking about. That situation where they become autonomous. That's what I'm referring to. So say we have an autonomous entity. Why would it. Why would it kill us?

We don't go, you know, I'm not saying it would. I don't think it would. I don't think it would kill us. But it would probably give us incentive to not breed. Which I think if I was an intelligent life force, I would kind of do it exactly the way our society is already going.

Yeah, we're already doing.

Right now, we're doing it to ourselves. But that might be by design. It's my point. It might be that in order to not alarm us that this artificial intelligence has engineered our diet and our environment to kill our reproductive system. And it's already doing. But it's doing it in a very innocuous way with microplastics and a bunch of. It's doing it in a way where we don't even know what's happening. And it's just happening, but on the same coin.

It could be like, hey, what if we actually perpetuated this species and got it back to life like the pandas?

I don't think that's gonna happen. I think what's going to happen is we are going to become hybrids. We're going to become a cyborg. Like a real legitimate cyborg.

I'm stoked about that.

Are you? Yeah, you'd be first in line.

Oh my God. Give me the frickin parts. You see, I faint at blood. No more blood. Make me a cyborg. I'm happy. I love metal. I love scrap metal. I love cars. Make me a fucking car, dude. I hate this gooey thing.

I don't know what's gonna happen, but I do know it's gonna be unprecedented. It's gonna be a new thing.

I'm surprised. The one thing that did freak me out is a guy. The Other day at bachelorette party, had the goggles on that was recording us.

Oh, God.

When I realized that when I was like, oh, shit, I was gonna take in everything, all of the information.

Yeah. There's a lot of people wearing the metal glasses everywhere, which is like, at one point, you're like, oh, well, it's cool. New technology. Another thing, you're like, but, yeah, but people probably don't even fucking know they're getting recorded. And that's kind of crazy. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of weird.

Well, also, I don't like the idea of all these digital images of things. Like, if they. If it could be printed out into matter and you could look at it, but the idea of, like, your entire life, like, even us with the fucking iPhones, all these photos stress me the fuck out, dude.

Why?

Because it's so much. Because there's something about it. Because it. When you have a photo, you're in the present with a past photo, right? Like, I'm. I'm sitting here in this reality with a past reality that I can hold, right? The weird giant vortex of memory is almost like my vortex of memory. You know what I mean? Like, neither of them have matter. My memory in my brain and this brain here, I don't like that. I think that I want the memory to be contained in matter or in my memory. I don't like this being a brain, and I don't like it holding pictures of all of my past.

What I think when you say, I want to be a cyborg, that's. You're going to hold all of it and you're going to have a hard drive. So instead of having a memory where it's fallible right now, like, your memory is, like, weird. Like, when did we do that? Was that in November? Oh, my God, that was November. You'll have an actual memory, just like you have on your phone, where you can go back to, like, four, you know, like, it suggests you on this day, and you go to, like, 2017. Like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, they're so young. Oh, my God, look.

That would feel less disembodied than this weird unit that we're all addicted to. You know what I mean? It's already a part of us. It's so weird that it's just man and unit everywhere.

The unit you could just put down.

You think it'll be.

You could put the unit down.

You think we're going to be cyborgs? Like, it's going to be.

Huh? Yeah.

Like, human beings will have A chip in their brain that anytime I'm like, what year was that that it might.

Not even be a chip. It might be a wearable. They might be able to have something that you put on the top of your head, you know, with electrodes that touch your temples. And it just sends signals into your brain and works from there. I mean, who knows? It's so cutting edge. And then once AI gets into the picture, right? And AI, if you get sentient AI and you get AI that understands, like, how human neurotransmitters work and what to stimulate, what not to stimulate, it might devise ideas that we never even anticipated in terms of, like, how to implement this technology. And it'll probably figure out how to make it better and.

Yeah.

And then it'll be off to the races.

I was so scared today because I texted my friend suicidal. Like, she texted me about something and I wrote, like, tongue in cheek, I'm suicidal. Right? Like, I'm not actually, but I wrote it and I was like, my phone is now going to send me so many fucking don't kill your yourself stuff.

Does it do that?

Yeah, dude. Every time I text some like that, I'll go on Instagram and it'll be like, don't do this. Seek help, blah, blah, blah.

Or that's what's creepy, is that your Instagram knows what you're texting to your friends.

Yeah. I've had two people recently be like, do you ever think it? Like. Like, sometimes I'll think a thought and an ad will come up that's coming. And two people in one week said that to me.

Yeah, but doesn't that just mean it's a coincidence? That means. That means you're relying on coincidence. Watch this thing I sent yesterday.

Yesterday.

I didn't. What is it? All right, so this got announced yesterday. They do not describe. Oh, yeah, I did, I did. I forgot. Yeah, go ahead. It allows telepathic communication in some way with a headset. They're clearly connected to something and they don't show that. But these two guys start talking.

Those guys aren't real. Well, there.

Oh, sorry. Why does it have. What's this music playing? Oh, there.

A dog.

Apple vision. Oh, the apple vision. So this one is actually translated. Let me go back to these two guys talking.

No way. These guys just have the telepathy tapes auto.

It's showing like they're trying to have a communication about food. They're not speaking. It's really hard to, like, hear this.

That's crazy. Environment.

Or a quiet Office. He described that you could be in a party and both have the headset.

On saying a word.

Ego detects aren't affected by environmental noise.

So even if. All right, these have to be stopped. This is too crazy. Yeah.

Now you're different, right?

Yeah. That's not okay.

I like how you swing one way or the other.

No, dude, these dorks.

Coffee shops, alter ego to go give you a travel tip. It translates that into Hindi. So it starts off in English, which is. At the Hindi. Whoa. And the weird thing which was you guys were just described. They don't talk about how this works yet. They literally just, like, put up a video on Twitter yesterday. Like, if you want more information, go to our website. And so you're describing, like, if they have a way to get brain waves in some way.

All right, yeah, I'm out on this. Especially when I see the kids that are doing it. I'm like, these kids are just dorks.

Who are getting so far they're gonna look like aliens.

This isn't like the agents from the Matrix.

People with big heads. Yeah, that's what's gonna happen.

But if it was the agents from the Matrix, like some attractive men in, you know, sunglasses and suits, I'd be like, okay, what you guys have planned is probably better than reality, but those fucking torques being like, this is what we're doing now.

I think no matter what we do, technology is going to keep moving. No matter what we do, China's going to do it. Russia's going to do it. Everybody with power is going to do it. Anybody that has the resources, they're going to keep pushing this technology. And if you just think, where's it going? Well, it's going. It's going in that direction. You're going to become a part of some fucking giant hive mind. Yeah, we're all going to be sharing thoughts together and some bizarre buzz of information that we all suck from. Yeah, it's going to be real weird.

It is going to be weird. But then you could have the unpluggers, which would be nice.

Well, that's what it's going to be when you go to the club and you put your phone in the yonder bag. Talk shit, do stand up.

Yeah, totally.

But I think it's one of the reasons why people love going to a comedy club now, and especially when you make them put their phone in the.

Yonder bags, because it's a game changer.

You could actually pay attention. You actually focus. You're there. You're living in the present. Moment instead of constantly checking your tweets. People. You know, it's. It's an addiction, man. And it's a new one. Right. It's one that didn't exist for our parents. They never had to deal with it. And we're growing up with this very bizarre connection to the whole world. World. And a lot of it's negative, a lot of it's not. And it's also manipulated a lot of its bots.

I guess I'm hoping it also gets so bad it gets better. Like, I'm hoping that not to use the matrix again, that there will be a point where you can be like, I'm disconnecting for everything. Whereas right now, it feels like we have to engage with it.

Yeah.

Like, it would be nice to get to a point where it's like a. Oh, are you on or off? I'm off. And you're like, oh, okay, I won't try.

And you ever just disconnect your.

Yeah. When I go to my house. Yeah.

Yeah.

Totally disappear.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah. And I just put this healthy. I have, like, a safe where I lock my.

Oh, good for you.

That's my phone. And lock. Candy.

Candy and your phone. The same.

Yeah.

What's harder, Candy or the phone?

Candy.

Yeah.

Fuck the phone.

Yeah.

Candy rules, dude. Candy. So good. The phone sucks. It stresses me out.

Little candy fishes.

Those are my favorite Swedish fish.

Yeah.

I just had a real one. From Swedish. From Sweden.

Most of them forge the fake.

The red ones.

This fake Swedish fish.

Those are American. The Swedish fish are black. From Sweden.

Really interesting. It probably doesn't have our nasty chemicals for the dyes.

Yeah. The Red 40.

Yeah.

Is RFK against Red 40?

I think so.

Right. It's so funny watching RFK go through the lesbian moms that I have, like, you know, because they're so liberal, so they're like, rfk. And then at one point, he's like, I want to bring back raw milk.

Milk.

And I said to watch my entire town of Ithaca be like, well, we do love raw milk. We actually like that quite a bit because they're, like, right now siphoning raw milk illegally off of farms.

It's so silly that raw milk is illegal, and you go buy whiskey at Costco.

It's so weird.

So dumb.

Raw milk is so good.

It's really good.

Francis Ellis is all about the raw cheese and milk.

Yeah. It's good for you.

Yeah.

And for a lot of people that have lactose intolerance.

Oh, not Francis. Jason Ellis. Francis Ellis.

Oh, Jason L. Is the comedian.

Yeah, yeah. Is a comedian, but he's way more into rotisserie chickens.

Yeah, it's really good for you. Yeah, it's just. Don't get it bad. Don't get it where it's.

And then what happens?

You just have a bug or probably get rancid diarrhea.

Yeah. But whatever. Better than a cancer.

Yeah. Well, I think your body, when it's homogenized and pasteurized, it's like, what is this? With no enzymes? What is this water protein. You're making me drink that. I'm gonna fart out.

Yeah. I bet we could drink endless raw milk. I bet we could really go ham on raw milk and cheese.

Swedish fish. Is a taste supposed to be called a lingonberry. A lingonberry. But that black. The black stuff is a different kind. It's called salmiak, which is black salted licorice.

That is good.

And I like that. Is that your ammonium chloride? Ammonium chloride, Nice. Probably not better than Red 40. I don't know. Well, let's. Let's Google ammonium.

We assume everything Nordic countries do is better.

I know. Crazy smelling salts.

They'll be in the audience and I'll be like, oh, you think you're better than me? And they're like, no, we really like you.

White crystalline water soluble salt. Oh. Form from ammonia and hydrogen chloride. Used primarily as a fertilizer and expectorant in cold medications. And a component, soldering and galvanizing fluxes to clean metal surfaces. Also found in dry cell batteries such as a flavoring agent. And it's natural for form. It's called sal ammoniac. I'm sure it's delicious.

It's good.

Well, it's like monosodium glutamate. Everybody was scared of that for the longest time. And Bourdain and I were talking about it, and he's like, no. He's like, it's good. He's like, it makes the food taste better. I go, anthony Bourdain, right? It does, right? He's like, yeah. I go, what do you think about all the stuff about it being bad for you? Because I think it's bullshit.

Yeah. And what does it do?

It's just a monosodium glutamate is, like, what they would always put. The thing was, it was always. You would hear that it was used in Chinese food, but it was used in a lot of food. I remember when I worked at Newport Creamery, they used to have some laying around. I think, God, what Was it?

Oh, yeah. You go into places where you can. Msg, Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah, but there was a name that. There was a product. MSG enhances umami flavors with less sodium. About one third the sodium of salt. Why Naci? Primarily, that's just table salt. NaCl, wasn't it called accent? Wasn't there something like that where there was a monosodium glutamate product that they would have for restaurants? God, I can't remember what it was called. Is it Accent? Yeah, there it is.

That's a good rebrand.

Global food company known for amino science. Umami seasoning. Yeah, that's it. So they'd have like a tub of that stuff. You'd throw it in. Whatever the you're cooking, it made it taste better. What was the monosodium glutamate was like the thing that everybody was always blaming, oh, I gotta stay away from Chinese food. That MSG kills me. And he was like, that's.

But why did we say that?

I don't know. It's probably one of those things that we got stuck with, like, saturated fat's bad for you, because some got a lot of money from the sugar lobby and so they wrote some fake science.

And everybody bought into it. Yeah.

Those guys fucked everybody so hard. And they did it for 50 grand. They did it for 50 grand. Like the 1960s and forever we've been fucked.

I fell for it for a long time.

60 years. Everybody's been like, oh, go. Stay away from it. Stay away from fat. The perceptions of MSG's danger stem from the anecdotal reports and flawed early studies, not from consistent scientific evidence. Evidence? For most people, MSG does not cause health problems. However, a small subset of the population may be sensitive to it and experience temporary mild symptoms. So what's the mild symptoms? Headaches? Nausea?

Delicious.

Drowsiness? Yeah. Flushing or sweaty? Maybe you just ate too much, you fat fuck. It was once called Chinese restaurant syndrome, now known as MSG symptom complex. These symptoms often appear within two hours and are typically mild. Mild, yeah. But also, you probably ate like a pig.

Also whiskey.

Again, difficulty breathing. In rare severe cases, you probably drank beer and ate 50 bowls of noodles, you fat fuck.

Is RFK pro fucking? Is he like, pro checking all of this stuff or is he. Isn't he the anti. Just, like, let it all run? Or is he.

No, he thinks you should know what's bad for you and if you want to take it, you should. There should be a label on the food Letting you know that the stuff in there has been shown to cause X, Y and Z. Okay, that's it. Like he's not, he doesn't say we need to get rid of cigarettes or we need to get rid of whiskey. Like if you don't say that, those two things. If you don't say no more cigarettes, no more whiskey, if you don't say that, then shut up.

So the left is worried about deregulation, right?

Worried about deregulation.

Is that true?

Yeah, with many things. Yeah. With environmental concerns, I'm sure they're worried about deregulation. With banking and industry, they're worried about deregulation.

Is there any party that's just pro regulation?

Me.

Is there any party that's just pro regulation? Regulate AI, Regulate Instagram, regulate.

I think the Democrats are much more interested in regulating things like if you look at the most regulated states, they're Democrat run states like California has a lot of red tape and regulations if you want to get anything done.

Socialist is the most regulated. Yeah.

Because they want control. They want more, more control from the government. They have a bigger bloated government and the way to keep that functioning is you got to go through hoops and ladders to get through anything. Anything.

I just feel like you want to get all or nothing. I feel like you have to regulate everything or regulate nothing.

No, some regulation is good. Like, like your, your parents are contractors. Right. There's a good example.

You need too much regulation there.

Too much regulation. But you need inspection.

The inspect. They suck.

Okay. You can't say that because if your family does a good job, and I'm sure they do, that's fine. But there's a bunch of fly by night fuckheads.

Yeah.

That, you know, make a house and don't follow code and then shit goes sideways.

That stuff is like that stuff. I mean the bureaucratic bullshit that contractors have to go through. Psycho.

That's true too.

I used to be a contractor, dude. The amount of. I should have been.

I think there's a comfortable medium.

I think. Yeah, I don't.

My stepdad was an architect, so I grew up around construction sites as well.

So you know how frustrating that guy is.

I do. But I also know that there's a lot of shady motherfuckers that are involved in construction and you got to make sure these assholes follow code. Otherwise this house is going to collapse and kill everybody inside. People suck. Yeah, some people suck. And they cut corners, they save money, they do things all half assed and you need someone to go and inspect.

But then it's weird to not have regulation on other. There's no regulation with social media. I mean, unless it's the censorship shit.

Right?

That's. It's weird.

It's really bad for you psychologically. It might be one of the worst things that's ever happened to like collectively society psychologically. Like if you look at Jonathan Haidt's book, have you ever read his book the Coddling of the American Mind?

No.

It's all about hate. He's great. It's all about social media and then self harm with girls. This is a big thing. Self harm, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts. That all comes like this ramps way up. When social media gets introduced, there should.

Just be elected committees, elected psychological committee.

Elected philosophical committee who's going to tell you you can and can't do it. Who's going to say you should and shouldn't say things. If you don't like it, you should get off of it. And that's what I do. I just stay off.

Kids are just.

I know, but so is booze. Right? You get. They have to know, don't do that. It'll ruin your life. Don't do this. This could ruin your life too. Like, and it also sucks your time.

It needs to be regulated like a drug.

Who's gonna be the one who's gonna tell you what we. I don't want anybody telling me I can't go on Twitter if I'm at home. Home. And I have nothing to do and I, I pay taxes. I, my bills are paid. I want to just.

Any tactic for attention monopolization has to be removed. Says the, the committee that doesn't exist. Like, you know how you feed them.

But it's not monopolization. If you could shut it off anytime you want.

But it pulls you in, it sends you alerts, it gives you the dopamine thing.

I don't have alerts on. No, I've never had alerts on.

The kids do.

Well, they should shut that off. Someone should teach them how to use it correct correctly and also tell them like, hey, this is a lot of negativity and a lot of these people are wasting their life on this. You're wasting your time.

But I know that and I just fell into a dark hell hole last night. Like, it's hard to avoid.

It's, it's, it is. But you can do it. I do it.

Yeah, but I, I can do it. But 13 year old Jordan would be hanging from that closet at the Airbnb. I mean, it would be rough.

15 year old Joe would be tweeting horrible at every celebrity.

Oh, oh, just horrible shit. That's the other thing. Horrible shit.

Yeah. Under fake accounts you can make 30 different accounts.

Yeah.

Make a new Gmail address, make a new account. All they have is maybe that should.

Be no more fake accounts.

Yeah. But then the thing is, whistleblowers are important, right? If someone is in the government and there's some shady shit going on and you can expose it and you don't want to die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't want to get Seth Riched.

Yeah. But isn't there another way to whistleblow? Like graffiti or something?

Doesn't work.

Billboard.

It can't go viral. Yeah, billboards don't go viral. You gotta, you gotta be able to express yourself without fear of consequences because there's a lot of people that don't have any power and there's a government. Or maybe you find out that the corporation you work for is doing some horrible shit and they're bypassing some environmental regulation and dumping toxic stuff into the ocean.

Well, maybe it just comes down to regulating the corporations and being like, bro, you can't make money off of people's data. You can't make money off of.

That's a problem because we didn't know when we all signed up for it that data was going to be this massive commodity. Not only is it very valuable, but then it gives them insane power. The people that have all that money and have all that power now, they're in control of essentially all social discourse force.

So maybe that's the thing that needs to be regulated.

I don't know if just. Because when they do regulate it, then it's like, like you saw. Did you ever read the Twitter files? Did you read any of the stuff that Matt Taibbi and Schellenberger and all these guys? When Elon purchased Twitter, one of the things they found out was the intelligence communities had been deeply embedded into Twitter. And then they were involved in suppressing certain narratives and pushing other ones. And, and it was like really sketchy stuff, like dangerous, dangerous stuff. Because if they have the power to suppress accurate, real information, then you're propagandizing to the entire country. You're shifting narratives, you're changing the way people think about things. This can affect elections, this can affect public health. This could affect everything. And they were doing that. And they were doing it because they had regulation over social media. They had passed. Elon comes along and he's like, fuck that. It's Wild west time and opens it wide up and everyone's like, oh, it's all racist now. There's Nazis. Like, yes, there's more of that now because it's not getting banned. But also there's more people that, you know, can talk about virtually anything that they want to.

And you can debate it out. You can talk about the climate, you can talk about the moon, you can talk about asteroids, you can talk about foreign governments. You can talk about any. Anything. And that's better. It's better to have people say horrible shit, but also be able to say true shit than not be able to say anything.

Yeah, but I worry about the. I worry about the. It just comes down to kids, for me, because they get radicalized. I mean, when you see the racist shit and you join the tribe, it just, like, becomes.

They can. They can radicalize. They can also become Christians. They could also become, like, hikers. They could also, like, really get into Jiu Jitsu. They could also, like, isis, Join video games to join isis. Yeah, they could also do whatever the fuck they wanted. I mean, this is just. We got to duke it out in the battlefield of ideas, and that's. That has to be able to take place. You can't have people decide what you can and can't discuss. Because the problem with that is, like, then they have power over you, and they have power over the most important thing that we do as a culture. Culture, which is figure out what's right and what's wrong. Figure out who's correct and who's. Who's incorrect. What's. What's a fact and what is a lie. What is propaganda? Why. Why have they made so much money pushing this thing where there's no science behind it? And if you say. Then they say, trust the science. Okay, well, show me what the science is. And then you have people that are looking at the science, that are actual scientists that get boycotted and banned from Twitter. That's one of the things that happened during this whole FBI infiltration of Twitter or whatever the organization was that the government had.

That was deeply. It was multiple organizations, deeply embedded. They were kicking people off. They were like Stanford scientists that were. They had a different view of how the pandemic should be handled. They were kicking them off Twitter.

And then you get to a point where you need regulators on the regulators, and who's going to regulate the regulators?

Who's going to regulate the regulators?

So you think Wild west teach your kids correctly?

Yes, I think that's better. I think this is the world we're living in and it's a weird world, but this is the reality of the world and you need to prepare them for the reality of the world. Don't shield them from it.

Right. I guess it's just technology. Being such a drug is an issue to me.

It is a drug, but it feels.

Like the, it feels like the government making money off of selling fentanyl. Like it. That's what it feels like.

It's also fun for kids too. They're doing Snapchats and they're, they're having a good time too. Yeah, it's not all negative, you know, it's just, it can be negative and the pile ons, like when people like that lady, what she did to her daughter, which is the most evil fucking thing ever. But there's groups of kids that will go after a kid and pile on them and attack them anonymously. And you know, kids kill themselves over things like that. You have freaks them out.

Teens. How do they deal with it?

They're pretty remarkably healthy. It's very strange. Strange.

They have social media, but they're crazy.

Yeah, one of them, one of them just got off of everything. She wants to concentrate on her schoolwork. She hasn't been on any social media in over 90 days. It's very impressive.

But that's an addiction to be like 90 days I'm clean.

Yeah, but it's also. She can do it, you know, it's like it's not an addiction. Like, oh my God, you know, if you ever get on social media again now you're going to be homeless and snorting social media. No, it's like, it's a thing that's not necessarily good for you. Just like cake. Don't eat cake all day. Yeah, but if you want to have a birthday cake or you want to occasionally have a piece of cake, you have dinner. Nice dinner, let's get some dessert. Fuck it.

Yeah, but what about the cake? What if every time I went to go eat cake, there was 90 other dudes in the cake shop that were being like, we should kill this group of people. And you'd be like, fuck, I really want to eat cake. But these people keep saying that. Maybe I believe them because I've read so much. At some point somebody should walk into the cake shop and be like, dude, you guys can't be.

Well, there are laws, right? So like there's free speech, but if you threaten someone, there's laws against that.

And if you threaten a group.

Yes. Yeah. If you say, I want to kill all The Greeks in America, like, someone will come get you.

Nobody wants them, dad. We love them.

But if you just said something like that. Yeah. Someone would visit you from the FBI. Yeah. If you make threats against people. But we have existing laws that already protect people from that.

Okay.

I just think most people should stay the fuck off of it because most of the people that are doing it are wasting their life.

It's crazy how I just. Last night was sucked into this vortex, and then I just put my phone away and my dog was sitting right there.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, hey, real life thing that loves me also.

I had no idea that this was going on with. With you. I had no idea.

Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous. It sucks so bad because I was trying to be. So I was, like, actively trying to say a woke thing that I went through, patting myself on my back, and it just fucking spun out of control.

You can never be woke enough because it's all horseshit. It's all horseshit. It's all. It's just a cult. It's. And it's a cult that is mostly perpetrated by people that don't have a religion, so it behaves like a religion.

Yeah.

You can get excommunicated. You can get cast out of the kingdom for life. There's rules. If you follow those rules, you'll be good. If you're not, you're a heretic. It's a religion. And it's a religion for people that don't have a religion. Because there's a fucking weird part of our brain that whether you are a Democrat or Republican, it fits that spot.

Right.

So if you don't have something in your life that you think of as a higher power or. Or at least have like, some sort of ethical and moral foundation and some goal. Some higher goal that you ascribe to something will fill that spot. There's a spot in your brain, and that spot will be, I'm a Republican, or that spot will be, I'm a liberal. And we got these goddamn racists and all these. All these white people. We got to get rid of white people. White people say that. We got to deal with. The real problem is white people. They'll say that. And they'll say. They'll pat themselves on the back while they're saying. Saying it because they think they're being a good wokster.

Yeah.

It's just nuts. It's just religion. It's just.

It's crazy how many people DM to me, and I DM them Back being like, hey, I just want you to know, like, I'm so. I, like, totally didn't mean to hurt anybody, and I'm really sorry if you're offended by this. And they would just immediately be like, oh, it's totally okay. I take back everything I said when what they said was like, you. And I just was like, hey, I'm a person. And they're like, oh, I completely forgot. And I was like, oh, okay.

Yeah, everybody. It's a terrible way to communicate, Cape.

It's. It's bizarre. Yeah. I mean, I do it. I talk so much about everything, and then I get there and I'm like, oh, yeah, this is. I think it just feels good to believe something. It feels so good to stand your ground on something and to be like, right, I did something today that meant something. Even though it doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't.

We need meaning so bad.

We do. And that. That's why it takes the place of religion. For people who don't have religious. Religion.

It doesn't have to be religion. You can have it be in the. You can have it be the.

No, it doesn't have to be religion. No. But, I mean, there's a spot in our brains.

Yeah.

The religion has always been there, and we. We filled that spot with whatever the it is. Leftist politics, right wing ideology. Whatever the it is.

Yeah.

You find a thing that becomes your religion.

Totally.

People are broken. We're so weird.

It is.

But we're also wonderful. We're fun when we, you know, when we work. Right.

Yeah. When we're face to face.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, sometimes it's not, you know.

Crazy, but then you run into the person who talks about you and you're like, oh, hey, what's. Yeah. You were just playing the video game.

Yep.

Of hatred.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah. And that's what most people are doing on. On Instagram and on Twitter because. Because it's just such an easy thing to do. And especially if your life sucks, it's a great distraction. You can pay attention to other people and tell fuck Jordan at fucking cunt and just say horrible shit. And it distracts you from whatever is wrong with your life.

But the video game of, like, health and body perfection, like getting your. Getting jacked, is like the religion that many comics are in. Me too. And it is. It does. Does take that role a lot. Like, a lot of times when people are just hatred, I'm like, just target lower belly fat. If you want to be fucking activated about something, get fucking pissed at that you know what I mean? Because it's always. I look at the pictures of these people and they're just like miserable fuckers in a basement. And I'm like, dude, just.

Yeah.

What if you just spent all day taking a really long bath and just cleaning that shit off you? You know what I mean? Instead of hating me.

Well, think about what we were talking about with ocd. Those tight grooves of behavior that just get. Just. Just. It's so easy to slide into those grooves. They're so honed.

Yeah.

They've been used so many times. Just an instantaneous decision to go down those pathways. It's hard for people. It's hard for people to snap out of them. Especially people that are fragile and that are worried about getting attacked themselves. Those are the most vicious.

Yeah.

The most fragile people are the most vicious. They're the most mean. The ones that are worried about being criticized themselves.

Yeah. Total. Totally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hurt people. Hurt people.

True. Dad.

What's it.

I've done it. I've done it.

I've heard people have. Yeah, yeah. It's normal. It's normal. Part of being a person. It's just the social media thing. There's very little value and a lot of negativity. Or you could use it correctly if you're a journalist or if you're someone who's, like, curated a good feed and you just want to find out what's actually happening, because the world's filled with. With, like, crazy shit that happens all the time that you don't know about. Unless you get on Twitter. If you just paid attention to the mainstream news, you'd miss 80% of what's going on in the world.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I mean, there's so much. I talk so much shit about social media, but the amount of animal videos that have brought me back from the. I mean, I found out that otters have a little skin pocket and it's, like, saved my life multiple times. Just knowing that, like, that shit is so good.

Yeah.

And any fast intake of National Geographic online is like, oh, yeah. Yeah, totally.

Well, there's, like, most of my time I spend if I'm off on my phone is on YouTube. And I don't have a problem with that because most of that is, like, videos. I'm getting educated.

Yeah. I would not have been able to be a contractor without YouTube. Yeah. I should have called my business.

There's so much you can learn if you just do it right. Like, YouTube is the most amazing resource if you just do it right.

And there's just some fucking guy who's like, I'm gonna teach you exactly how to utilize this impact driver. And you're like, yeah, I don't know why you're doing this, but thank you.

Yeah. Why are you doing that?

It's really weird. Some of those people, they're like, I'm gonna tell you how to change a Toyota tire on a Nissan truck. And I'm like, that's exactly what I mean. It's crazy.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, those guys rule.

Oh, there's so much good how to stuff that's available online, but. Or you can get on Twitter and just start yelling about the Jews. Let's figure out, out, figure out a thing, whatever it is. Yeah, but the climate. Do you understand what's happening? Do we won't have an earth for our children? You know, people go crazy.

Are you worried about your kids future?

Of course. Yeah, of course. I'm. I'm worried about everybody's future. I'm worried about their future. I don't want anything bad to happen to them. Just like I don't want anything bad to happen to anybody.

That's why I can't. I don't think I can have kids.

But when people say that I, like, I would want to have kids, kids today, I'm like, yeah, why would you? With all the books and medicine and shit. People had kids before they figured out doors.

When they say, I don't want to bring a kid into this world, like, I sometimes don't want a kid just because the idea of letting my dog outside without me scares me. But like. And I'm neurotic. But when they say that, I'm like, you're talking about the absence of consciousness being superior to consciousness. Yeah, that, that's a paradox. You can't say one is better than the other. There is no better until you're born.

Not only the that. There's a lot of people in my life that I love. A lot of, A lot of good friends. I have a lot of people that I love. The only way you make people is they have to be babies. They grow up to be people that you love. That's the game.

Yeah.

That's life. You have to. If you love people, you probably love kids.

Yeah.

You just don't know it. And you probably are, you know, terrified of responsibility, which is real. Yeah, but, but you can have kids. It's not bad.

Do you think everybody should do it?

No, I think you can have a rich and full life and never have children. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And I always resented that. When I didn't have children, people say, oh, you don't even know you don't have kids.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, okay, don't say that. That's silly. Did you alienate people? Yeah, it changes everything.

Did it unlock, like, a Molly level of love?

Yes. Chappelle had the best quote about this. He said, not only did it change the amount of love that I have, it changed my capacity for love.

Okay.

Yeah. You don't know, like, how much you love your dog. And I know you love your dog. I've seen you with your dog. You love your kids times a million.

But that's frightening, that level of love. How do you let them go to school?

Life is crazy. Life is frightening. You just have to learn and grow and just deal. This is just part of the thing. You can't just be safe forever. You're not gonna live, you're gonna die. We're all going to. You just have to exist. And you know, you have to. Like, when you don't see your friend, like, bye. And you know, they get on a plane, like, oh, my God, if the plane crashes, what if I never see them again? You can't live like that.

Yeah, but a child I would be.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

You had to teach yourself to chill. Yeah. Really.

And then you still. You only chill so much, you know, you love them so much. It's hard. But I think there's a reason why societies like people to have children. Because it makes you much more concerned with law and order. Makes you much more concerned with, you know, cleanliness and pollution and all of the harm that could happen to your child. Yeah, yeah. You worry more because if it's just you're selfish and you're by yourself, fuck everybody. I'm gonna go get a whore. You know, like, okay, yeah. You're not really a part of this thing. You're just kind of like, you're a leech. You know, like this. This thing is all of us together.

It would frustrate me if I had kids. That people without kids have equal right to vote. That would annoy me.

Why? Because they could vote for negative things about your kids.

It just would. It would piss me off. I'd be like, you don't. You're not keeping a life around. You know what I mean? Like, you're just a selfish shitter and eater, you know?

Well, there's a lot of those selfish shitters and eaters, too, that think that Somehow, because this is one of the things that people are being taught today that somehow or another, because there's so much money in the world, like you're owed something and they should just. We should have universal basic income and your needs should be met. There's a bunch of people, people that think that way, don't think that you should provide a value that your needs should be met because there's so much wealth in the world and that everything else, whatever the wealthy people have on top of that, that should only exist once their needs are met. Because there's a fake scarcity crisis in this country. And it's really because the wealthy people have gotten so much.

But that's the. Bernie bro.

Yeah, well, there's some truth to that though, right? There is some truth. Like if someone acquires all the money and everybody else is poor, obviously you have a broken system. Bernie's idea was to take a small amount of stock market exchanges, just like a fraction of a penny for each one of these. And that money would all be an incredible resource that would go to education and health care and all these different quality of life things that would have a legitimate impact on society. That's what I was interested in. That was my most compelling thought that he had the most compelling thought to me. I was like, that seems like that would work. That seemed like that would have a big impact and it would change a lot of things.

I've always been down for the tax the corporations, I've always been down for it and not view them as having human rights.

Well, the weird thing is that they have the ability to donate insane amounts of, of money towards congressional campaigns and senators.

That's fucked.

That's fucked.

So they're going to take that. Stop that. No, no. What is that called? Well, what is that called? Electoral funding.

Sure.

Election funding. There's a name for it. But stop funding campaign funding. Stop that.

And it's not even just that. It's like it's funding Super PACs, it's funding NGOs, it's, it's. There's a lot of shit that goes on that's just really about info influence.

But if you get a corporation that's making that much money, tax the out.

Of it for schools, well, not a bad idea. But you got to be able to make money. The real problem with corporations is they have to always make more money. Like if you have a responsibility for your shareholder, if you're a CEO, every corp, every quarter, you have to make more money. Like the idea is like you're doing really well. You're making more money. And the only way to really keep making. They never go, we're good. Hey, everybody, we're good.

Why not?

Because they're cunts.

Oh, okay.

Because, like, you get to this. That's the game they're playing. They're playing the I want more money game. They're not playing the let's make the world a better place game because it's a corporation. So it's a sociopath. It acts like a sociopath. Have you ever seen, like, when they've done these studies where they're like, well, look at the behavior of a corporation. It's basically a psychopath.

That's why I think they should fund the shit. It's crazy how much the middle class is taxed.

Well, they really fucked up was with the stock market in general in the first place.

Stock market is so weird to me. I will not put any money in it. I buy. I buy gold and I buy a house, I buy a car, I buy watch. But I won't do the stock market.

But it's crazy that everybody gets to be involved in, like, I.

That is so weird to me.

It's weird.

But I'm not allowed to say this because people go, oh, no, Jordan, you got to put it into a fund that is an index. And I'm like, I don't have to gamble. I grew up white trash. Gambling is a bad thing. Yeah, but in my family, you're not allowed to do that.

The thing is, it is a real thing thing, and it does work. Look at Nancy Pelosi. She's got half a billion dollars, right? She did it in a shady way.

Is that good that she has that? No, it's that good. No, my friends who are like, it's.

Not going to make her live longer. She's. She's 82 years old. She looks terrible, right? Like, it's the end is nigh, stop working.

And my friends are like, I made 50 grand off Bitcoin. And I'm like, you just put it back in the bitcoin, you're going to keep it in bitcoin because now you're stuck in an addiction until it's gone, until it tanks. You know what I mean? Nobody that I know always like, I'm pulling out maybe a couple.

Some people have and they've made a lot of money.

That's great. Yeah. I have one friend who did that. Very proud of him. But typically it keeps you in it.

It's like the same people that stay off social media they're rare.

They're rare, but they utilize the system.

Yeah.

When I was microdosing, I could do that.

I could post and be like, why stop microdosing?

Because I was. I was in and out of a relationship that when I would microdose, would. My brain would be like, br. Bro, what are you doing? You gotta get out of this thing. And I'd be like, okay, just won't microdose. But now I. Now I'm back to it.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I get when it shows you a truth that you cannot handle. Yeah.

Yikes. But I don't want to be alone.

I would take the mushrooms, and they'd be like, you're better. Come on. This guy is, like, mean to you. You're a cool chick. And I'd be like, shut up. I'm not cool.

The mean to you is gross.

I'm so. It's the best, though. It's my favorite. Yeah.

I hate back and forth.

I like fighting. Yeah.

Fighting in the makeup sex.

I just like somebody who's very honest and is like, that's a stupid thing that you did. That's a good thing that you did.

It's very tact.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah. You got to be able to do it with someone when you calm them down and say it rationally.

Yeah.

And you got to say you love them first, and you got to say nice things first.

Yeah. That was the problem. There's none of that. Yeah, totally. But the mushrooms would be like. It would become. I immediately be lucid and be like, you can love a person and not be misunderstood. Miserable that those two things can happen in. Once you can love somebody and not be in a relationship with them, because it doesn't work. So I was like, okay, we're not gonna microdose.

Yeah. I'm on the fence about microdosing, but I think for some people, it seems to be a giant quality of life enhancer.

It just tells you when to stop. You can't do it that long.

You can do it for, like, two weeks microdosing.

Yeah. And then it, like, doesn't do. And then you have to stop.

Well, that's probably good, too. It's probably, like, most things, you know, you shouldn't drink every day if you want to. Going on vacation for two weeks, you're gonna get hammered. Yeah, it's good.

But the mushrooms, I mean, they'll just be like, dude, what are you. You. It never gets addicting, but I did it a lot during the pandemic, and it helped.

I Know some people that got addicted to the idea of, like, spiritual awakening?

Oh, the ayahuasca people.

Oh, yeah. Some of those people get cooked. Yeah, they get cooked. They get overcooked, and they start reading poetry on Instagram. You're like, yo.

Oh, my God. When I get the text messages, like, hey, I love you so much. I'm like, damn. We did another ayahuasca journey.

No, that's cool, though. Someone's just saying they love you is nice.

That's nice.

Already sent me an I love you message the other day. I was like, what were you on? Oh, Molly.

Dude, he's gone for a while, right? He's like, in South America or something.

He's off the reservation.

He is so inspiring to me with comedy where he'll be like, I'm taking. I'm stop. I'm not doing it right now.

Well, he's very smart.

He's so smart.

Yeah, he's very smart.

He did the whole. I mean, Eric Abrams and my whole team did it. But Ari, like, every step of the way, would be calling me every day and be like, what are you doing? Do this. And I'd be like, I don't know what I'm doing. And be like, tell everybody to pause. Do that. I mean, it was crazy.

Ari's very strong in his beliefs. Some of his opinions are terrible, though. Ari famously told me to never put out a three hour podcast. You got to edit in the beginning. He goes, why is your podcast three hours? I said, because that's how I felt like talking for three hours. You should edit it. No one's gonna listen for three hours.

Three hours when you were just starting it out.

Oh, yeah, I always did it three hours. Like, they don't have to.

How long have we done this?

Don't listen. Almost three hours.

Jesus, no.

Oh, yeah.

How do you do that? It is a time warp.

Yeah. Because we're locked in. So if you're really locked in, if you haven't really locked in with someone, you really haven't, it seems like.

What if you don't get locked in? In?

It happens sometimes.

Really?

Yeah. Some. Some podcasts.

Women?

No.

Men too.

Sure.

Non comics.

Oh, yeah. Non comics. Even some comics. You're like, God, I have nothing in common with this guy. You know?

Brutal. That's like when I'm in therapy and I'm talking about yet another breakup and my therapist is. It's the worst feeling ever. And I'm like, we need to lock in right now.

Yeah, lock it in.

But you've had not lock in days. Have you ever had it be your fault?

Oh, I guess, probably, yeah. Yeah.

What do you do?

I mean, I try. I mean, at this point, I'm pretty good at it, so I know, like, how to finagle a conversation. You know, generally, I look for a blunt. I'm like, okay, I got. I have to change my brain, fire this up and make fun of this.

Oh, you're pro weed. You're weed guy. I love weed. You love weed?

Oh, I love it.

Okay. I just started using weed for sleep and.

Well, it's weird for sleep.

Okay. But it's the only thing that's ever worked, ever.

Oh, really? Do you use edible edibles?

Flower the other day, edibles the other day?

Yeah. But the thing is, I think it prevents you from going into REM sleep or it hinders your REM sleep.

Yeah, but it lets you watch. It lets you watch yourself enter sleep, which rules, like, being like and goodbye is sick. Because every morning you wake up and you go, I don't remember falling asleep. But on weed, you're like, this is it. Here it is.

No, I know a lot. A lot of people that use it for sleep. I know a lot of people that always hated weed and used to. Like, when I would smoke, they were like, why? What? Weed makes you lazy? I'm like, it doesn't. I'm telling you, it doesn't. You're lazy. Weed does not make you lazy.

That's me. I always thought weed makes you lazy, but now I'm using it for sleep.

Yeah, I thought it too, until I was 30. I met my friend Eddie. My friend Eddie Bravo was the one who got me high for the first time when I was, like, 30 years old. I hadn't gotten high since. I think I. I got high, like, maybe a small handful of times when I was a comedian, when I first started doing comedy, rather. And then before I was a comedian, like, maybe my whole life, maybe seven, eight times ever being high ever until I was 30. No. I just didn't like not being in control.

Yeah.

You know, I always associated people who did drugs with people who never got anything done, and they were a bunch of fucking losers. Losers. And I never wanted to be that.

If you smoked a blunt right now, you would have no fear that it could turn a bad way.

No.

Well, you don't have any of the. Like, my heart's gonna stop. I can hear my blood in my ears.

Oh, no.

You don't have any of that.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Have you ever.

Sure. I'VE gotten paranoid before. Yeah.

Ride it out.

I had to figure out why. And generally, it's like, there's something bothering me. In life. Life. There's something. So the real thing about it is it exposes something that's bothering you. Well, you should go. Probably fix that.

Yeah, but what if the thing that's bothering you is that you can't deal with the fact that you have skin? You know, that's what happens to me when I smoke weed is I'm like, this shit has gotta go. It's crazy.

You have a different mind than me. I guess that's the thing. I wouldn't recommend it for everybody. I know people can't smoke. They don't like being paranoid. I. I like it. I like being.

Yeah, some of you love that.

I like being a little.

Because then after the panic, you're. You're like, yeah, good now.

Good. But also it's good to know, like, maybe you have blinders on and there's some real vulnerabilities in the world and you should probably consider them sometimes.

Had a crazy one that you were like, that's not right. That's crazy.

No, not that bad. I've just been real paranoid before. Before. Just super high. Like, yikes. And then you calm down. You're like. Once it's over, you're fine.

It's crazy for you to be paranoid because you're like one of the people that should be paranoid. You have, like, Lizard man coming after you or whatever. What's his name? Lizard Guy?

Liver King.

Liver King. What happened? He.

Yeah. If anybody should be paranoid, I should probably be a little paranoid. But anybody in the public eye should be a little paranoid. Anybody. You. You include.

Yeah, I've gotten high, deleted some stuff. Yeah, for sure. But, like, whoa.

Right.

Gotta come down.

Well, it's. I think marijuana is a tool like everything else. I think you can learn things from it. And I think it's. It's like steroids for comedy. You can come up with some stuff when you're high that I don't think is available.

Really?

Yeah. I don't think those thoughts are available if you're sober. There's things that I wrote that I wrote when I was high that was like, there's no way I was right. That without any help.

Yeah, I guess I've had it a little bit, but I have to hit the sweet spot or I go right into pan.

The sweet spot. Yeah, that's the key.

You know, it helps me if I always have a Xanax somewhere. Oh, no, like it just exists in my. So you know, so I just know that there's a. Yeah, a bullet that I can pull.

That's a crazy one. That's a scary addictive one.

Xanax is so addictive.

Yeah. Jordan Peterson, speaking of which, he was on that and I thought he was conditioned.

Klondike bar. Klonopin. I thought it was on them Klondikes.

Well, he was definitely on benzodiazepine for a long time. That, that's. That's Xanax. And so that's one of the ones where you get off of Xanax where you, you could die. There's only a couple of drugs where if you get off of it, you could die. Alcohol's another.

Alcohol is on you.

Yeah, but Xanax is another one and it's really hard for people.

Dude, I bought Klonopid in Mexico and I was like, I'm just gonna use this when I have a. A panic attack. Done. Done in two weeks. Every night. I was being like, well, might as well take a little bit. I feel a little angry. And I was like, oh, you need to never allow this around you. I got a Xanax the other day and my friend was like, you can have as many as you want. I was like, I need one and never give me another again. Cuz this is the thing that. I'll keep it just in case.

Just like break glass in case of war.

Break glass is a break glass pill. Yeah, totally. Or else I. Our benzos are.

Dude, I've heard. No, I was on a flight once with a lady and she, she, she said, there is nothing in this world that's better than a Xanax and a glass of wine.

Yeah.

And I was like, I don't think you're supposed to drink with Xanax. She's like, nope, she didn't give a fuck.

Dude.

That lady didn't give a fuck.

What was what I did the other day? Poppers.

Oh, no. Amyl nitrate poppers.

Dude. I had no idea because I don't do anything. And I was dancing at a, at a wedding and my gay friend was like, sniff these.

Oh, gay guys love that.

The best. Just a mini rave for a second.

How much did you do?

Like a lot.

How many times did you do it?

Enough where I felt fucked up. Like five.

Wow. Gives you like instant brain damage.

Yeah, that's what it felt like. That's what it felt like.

I think it does.

Yeah.

I think it's like it cooks you.

It's really? It's gotta be bad because I went from being such a downer to being like Mary just stupid to be like it was crazy. I was dragging people in. Yeah. That's like the brain damage from the boxing where you're like dude, sometimes I need to be a little stupid for a second or else I'm just constantly being like society is evil.

I wonder what's worse for you. Amyl nitrate or boxing? I don't know what is. What's the side effects of amyl nitrate Because I know a lot of the gay fellas like it when they bottom well it's actually made four is to relieve pain of an angina attacks. Oh.

Which I don't even angina get that.

What is angina?

What the I thought between your anus and your vagina angina.

What is the side effects of amyl nitrate abuse? Angina, Texas chest pain. Discomfort caused by reduced blood flow to the heart. Oh okay. And so amyl nitrate reduces that. That's the reduces the pain of it. Oh. Cuz it relaxes the blood vessels and increases the blood and oxygen. Also relaxes that booty hole.

Yeah. It makes the butthole open.

Woo.

I was worried I was gonna shit my pants. I did it, but no. Yeah. But I didn't do it.

I think other things have to happen for you to your pants.

Yeah. A gay man has to try and have sex with me.

Someone has to pound you in the side effects. Headaches, dizziness, flushing, rapid heart rate. More severe risk life threatening blood condition called called methymoglobin methyl. Say that help me out.

Methymoglobin.

And dangerous drops in blood pressure especially when combined with other drugs. Does it cause brain damage? Google does. Does amyl nitrate brain damage?

You better say that it does or else I'm doing that right now.

Damage didn't come right up. Oh let's see. It can cause both and long term brain damage. Why wouldn't it come up immediately? Primarily through two long term acute and long term brain damage. Primarily through two mechanisms. Oxygen deprivation and direct neurotoxicity. Severe or prolonged exposure can lead to permanent cognitive and neurological issues.

Yeah. I mean you feel that immediately when you sniff it.

You're like yeah, this can't be good.

This is. It feels like somebody's hitting it back in bed and you're like it's so crazy. It's like whippets.

Oh. But way more. Right. I feel stronger.

Yeah. Lasts way longer.

I did whippets. The Newport Creamery place that I worked at because we had, like, real whippets with, like, a giant whipped cream canister. Like, a huge one.

That's sick.

Like, the real things where you make the whipped cream, we would have to pour the sugar and pour the cream and then mix it. Yeah.

If I do that with a whipped cream bottle. Aren't you not allowed to use any of the whipped cream? That's always been my problem.

Oh, we had the gas. We had the actual gas back there. We had. One of the kids that we worked with was a total dirt bag, and he knew how to get high off the gas. We would all go back there and get high with this guy.

That's so fun.

I only did it, like, once or twice because you hit it and you, like. You, like, have almost like an out of body. Like, whoa.

It's awesome. Awesome. Yeah.

And it only lasts, like, 15, 20 seconds. And I was like, oh, my God, you're dumb enough as it is. Don't get dumber.

Right? It's always the idiot. Yeah. Yeah. I just used to get so high. I used to smoke a blunt every morning before school, and I just would get. I was so crazy stupid. And then when I got older, my brain was just like, you can't have any more of this. If you do, you're gonna bite your tongue.

It's definitely probably not good for kids.

Oh, yeah.

We were kids. It's like, God, like, you're developing, your brain's developing while it's constantly being bombarded by thc. That's not good.

My dad was just such a weed guy. He was like a. You can smoke weed with me whenever you want.

Oh, that's funny.

Have you smoked weed with your kids ever?

No.

Oh, yeah.

But I told them we've had conversations about drugs, and I said, the most important thing is stay away from any and all pills for a bunch of reasons. Not just because. Because what the pill supposedly is. Is bad for you, but because I bet what's in that pill is not what's supposed to be in there because of fentanyl. And they know that.

And powder coke is.

Oh, yeah, coke is.

I think coke is the worst.

Well, it's all fentanyl now. It's all. There's so much fentanyl, and there's fake Xanaxes and fit, and they're all fentanyl. There's Molly, fake Molly. It's all fentanyl.

And the fentanyl, if it's small enough, is fine.

Well, it's so much. It's so small. The amount that can kill you have you seen the amount of fentanyl that is lethal that that cop showed? No. Like, have you ever seen, like, in comparison to a penny? There's a photograph on the Internet of the amount of fentanyl in comparison to a penny that's lethal. That will 100% put you in the ground. It's so small.

It's the best feeling ever, though, when you go into for surgery and they give it to you. Awesome. Yeah.

Would you get surgery on? Did they give you fat?

I used to be. So I was so fat that I had all this skin and I got it cut off.

Yo. How painful was that afterwards?

Brutal. Oh, they kind of shuttled me out pretty fast. They were like, all right. God. Up and out.

Go home.

It was crazy.

Draining.

Yeah.

Go home and drain.

Raining. Yeah. Yeah. It had to go, though. It was in the way.

Must be happy now, right, that you did it.

Yeah, totally. It was stuck in my. It was getting my zipper.

Oh, yeah.

I was having to talk in. Yeah, like a day. It was awful.

Ouchy. I've only caught my dick in my zipper like, two or three times in my life. That's brutal. Not fun.

How do you catch it in there? Wait, why is your dick up that high? Oh, I see. Baggy pants.

But he's just not paying attention, like, going, raw dog.

It's weird that you guys have a whole external package. Package down there. You just have balls on the outside.

The balls on the outside is the dumbest invention.

I'm sorry about that. The itchiness and the wet.

That's not the problem. The problem is getting kicked there.

Oh, yeah.

That's the problem.

Yeah. But that we. That evolution had to give you that you had that something.

I guess. Yeah, I guess.

We have so many problems.

It's just to keep them from overheating.

Because you need sperm where they hang.

Yeah. Well, they have to be able to cool in the breeze because if they're getting overheated, it's not good for you. It's not good for the crazy that.

You just have a unit dangling off your body. It keeping it. It's crazy.

And it's the most vulnerable part of your body other than your eyeballs.

Yeah.

It's just hanging out there.

It helps. So men are very intimidating. It helps that you guys have that.

Do you have a spot to hit?

Totally. It helps. I don't think we would mate with you easily without the balls.

Interesting.

Sometimes when the penis goes in and the balls touch you, you go, oh, yeah. He's just a person. This is Safe, you know what I mean? Because you have two squishy guys that are like, don't worry about this. He's. He's just hard. Hard. You know? But it helps us remember that you're fallible.

The balls do totally. Okay.

If you guys were just rods running around, we'd be like, go away.

Well, imagine if you didn't have to get hard to have sex. Like, you didn't have to be aroused. That would be crazy. Like animals. Animals just have a bone. Oh, yeah.

How do they. They don't have to get hard. Dogs get the red rocket.

But they have a bone, though.

Ew.

There's a bone in there. Yeah.

You could break your dog's dick.

What is that bone called again? We have one out there. A giant fossilized walrus bone. Baculum. That's right. It's a bone. Yeah. I think all animals have it except human beings.

Monkeys can't have it.

Do monkeys have a baculum? Probably not. They're always jacking off.

They're always jacking off. Every zoo you go to, you have to cover the children's eyes.

Chimps, gorillas, monkeys. Oh, it's like. It's designed to be jacked off. It's right there where your hand drops. That's some species. Yeah, only some species.

But they're like a little fuzzy ones. Not the ones that look like us.

Deer have it, right? I'm pretty sure deer do. Matter of fact, I know they do. And so do, like, moose and elk and. What mammals don't? Primates. Oh, it's present in some species within the orders of primates, rodents and carnivora. I don't know what that is. Bears, dogs and walruses all have a bone because, like, you don't have time to get hard. Okay. You're out there in the wild. Shit's crazy.

What? They just slide it in.

Just bram it in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just thinking that would be a really fun. If that's where the term. If you lack a backbone. The back.

Throw a backbone.

I don't think that's. That's where it comes from. I don't think so. Our primate ancestors did have one, suggesting it was lost through evolution. That's kind of weird. Probably lost when the aliens came down and manipulated us.

When could. When was that lost? When women don't really.

Wow. But cats have, like a hook dick where they get stuck.

A barb.

Yeah. Have you ever heard cats where they're stuck together ass to ass and they can't get Loose. And they're kicking each other. Other not present in humans. Present the peanuts of some primates. Gorillas and chimpanzees have baculums. Wow.

What chimpanzees have.

Yep. Wow. Rodents.

When did we lose them? When it. What evolutionary step did we take?

Aliens came.

I think it's probably when women started being like that guy. I want that guy's genes and not that guy's. Right. Because if I keep getting loads blown in me by Betas.

Right.

It doesn't serve our population.

Right.

I have to be like that alpha male sick.

Right.

So I'm gonna rub my monkey butt like, yeah, dick. Whereas other species, it's like the free for all.

Yeah. Well, other species also, it's. I bet we probably got rid of it as soon as we figured out habitation. So as soon as we figured out homes and doors and we could structure, you know, like, keep people out.

Yeah, yeah. You'd be like, that might just. Yeah.

Her theory is on a line with, I think, Richard Dawkins theory, sort of. Ah, look at this. This proposed honest advertising as evolutionary explanation for the loss of the baculum. The hypothesis states that if erection failure is a sensitive early warning of ill health. Aha. Physical or mental, females could have gaged the health of a potential mate based on his ability to achieve erection without the support of a baculum.

Everybody I date has penis problems. Every comic needs a Blue Chew. So I shouldn't be letting any of their baculums in my baculum.

Oh, no. Dude, are you only dating comics? Is that.

I'm not anymore. I'm done. But that's what I've done forever. And musicians, which is the same thing, basically. Yeah, same, but constant Blue Chew. It's crazy to be at a group of comics.

Well, it's a crazy new thing, right? Like, what did they do in the 60s?

I think they said, hey, I have a problem. Or sometimes I get don't get hard and here's the things I could use from you to help. And now they just go, nope, I'm hard. Which is psycho.

Here's the things that I could use for me to help, though. Won't work on everybody, but this is like the selection thing. It would keep those guys from breeding.

Oh, that's right.

That's probably what it is. People of ill health, like, there's probably a reason why your dick can't get hard.

Bluechew dick is so weird. It feels like a strap on and it's attached to somebody who's Anxious. And then it's just this rock hard dick. It doesn't make sense because you're like, this guy's afraid to be here. And that dick is not his dick. That's somebody else's afraid to be here.

You get guys that are afraid.

Oh, yeah, totally. Where they're like, oh, it's not even. Yeah. There's something about the stand up and the. It's. I think people just think that I'm gonna be mean to them.

Oh, yeah, that's it. Because you're funny.

Yeah, totally.

And if you're funnier than the guys, you're. That's a real problem.

Yeah, yeah. Which I don't think I've ever had sex with somebody above me in comedy.

That's a problem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

You're scared of you.

I think they're scared of me. And they also are scared of. Yeah, I think it's mainly they're scared of looking foolish and having like.

Then you're. You're in her act.

Yeah, totally. Dude. The amount of dating app people that are like, I don't want to be in your act. I'm like, we've never even met you piece of. It's so crazy how many people say that.

Yeah, the dating app thing is wild.

Yeah.

When I see people just like constantly scrolling and picking people and choosing people. My single friends are on dating apps. That's an addiction unto itself. Because there's always someone waiting.

Yeah.

There's always some new. This is not. I don't like the way she smiles. Fuck this, I'm out of here. And then next thing you know, you got three or four more dates lined.

Up and, well, it's ruined dating because everybody has a queue of people they can date, so they go on a date. I know so many people who are like, I walked out after five minutes and I'm like, oh, God, you don't know that person. And also it probably benefit you to have an hour long conversation with. With somebody like, as opposed to being like, sorry, we're not compatible.

Right. But I think women are worried about guys getting fixated on them and then not leaving them alone and then texting them and with them and st. And then being mean when they get rejected.

That's the best. The DMS I have that are like, just please, we love it. I love you so much. And then I'm like, wow, I never have responded once. It's crazy. They do get fixated for sure. But then you. Yeah, but then you have to. Then it Teaches you to set boundaries, which is good to be like, hey, man, I'm not gonna text with you anymore. You gotta chill.

All that's gonna go away when you put on the headset.

I know.

When it goes, we all lock in.

And we'll go and tell them off.

Well, you're gonna read their minds too. You're gonna know, oh, my God, this guy's a total sociopath. He doesn't give a about anybody but himself. Everything he's saying is a lie.

That's so fucked up. For people with OCD who are like, what if I kill that cat? That.

And they just get, no, no, no. You'll probably be able to see why they think that way. Like, oh, no, no, you're okay. Like, you're just freaking out. And maybe you won't think that way when you're embraced by this hive mind. Maybe you'll abandon all. Maybe that'll be, like, one of the great side effects of it.

It would be good for people. Like, my best friend was paralyzed from the C2 down. And it would be good to read her mind and be like, what is actually the pain coming from? Because she was like, I know. Don't know if there's pain.

Right.

You know?

Well, we had the guy on who had the very first neuralink, and he's paralyzed. He paralyzed like a diving accident. And he uses his head now to control his computer. Like, he can play video games with just the chip. So he can't move his arms, and he's playing video games. And he says, it's like, I have an AIM bot because I point to what I want to shoot and, like, immediately shoot out at it.

Eye movements.

His brain. His brain moves the cursor around.

That's awesome. How.

I don't.

Like, he just moves it around.

I can feel like somehow or another, this. The. The way the computer interfaces with the neuro chip, the. So the brain interfaces with the chip, which interfaces with the computer, and somehow or another, you can control movement. And it. They're getting better and better at it.

That's crazy.

Which is a problem for the people that got the first one.

One.

Okay, you're gonna be able to pull that out and give me a new one?

Yeah.

Is this the one? I asked him about that. I was like, if they. Is this like, it? And he's like, I think this is the only one that I can get. I mean, maybe as technology advances, they'll be able to take this one out and put a new one in. But at one point in time, like the wires were coming out and it wasn't working anymore. And so they had to like, re. Inject them back in, shove them back in there.

That's crazy. I mean, we started doing that with back pain, right where people stick it in to fix the nerves in your back.

Do they?

Yeah, my uncle had that.

Well, that's the ultimate goal of neuralink, is to restore movement. It's going to be able to replace your entire spinal system. You'll be able to. This thing will tell your muscles and your brain to fire. So if you're a break in your spinal cord, it'll be able to bridge that and you'll be able to use your body like you normally would. This is like the ultimate.

That's gonna piss me off if this comes out after because my paralyzed passed away. I hate that when this stuff comes out. I'm like, God, you motherfucker.

It's always gonna happen that way.

She was getting into stuff, though. She was getting into ear touch.

If you touch her ears, she'd get pumped.

Yeah, that was the thing. She was getting into all that shit. She had like a servant that would make art for her. That was awesome. So she kind of had it. She kind of had her own little neural link of girls that she paid.

We're probably about five years away from an art, unrecognizable world.

You think? Five years.

Mm, yeah.

What about structures?

I mean, it'll be recognizable in terms of buildings, but I think, like, the way the world interfaces, the way we interface with the world is gonna be very different.

You think? It's like, walk into a space and it'll be like, welcome, Jordan Jensen. We have.

Yeah, yeah. Probably weirder than that because there probably won't be people working there.

Bro, the Waymo is sick.

You like it?

I thought I was so against it. I got in it. Not having to talk to some, Being able to fart at will.

Right?

Just. But here's what I'm wondering. Why don't people go. Take me to an hour place away and just. It. It's got to be cheaper than a hotel.

I bet people do gross on the freeway. Yeah, but people are definitely doing all that stuff.

Really?

They're probably. There's got to be cameras filming. People fucking care. I think. Yeah, they're like, let's go put on a Nixon mask and put. Yeah, let's go.

Yeah, yeah. But I really like them.

Well, it's certainly probably safer. You know, they don't really get in that many accidents. If they do, it's Usually somebody else's fault. Not the Waymo's fault.

I'm sick of looking at plane pilots and being like, that's. He's. He's gonna be. Man. This is gonna be, man. La. I had one that was so caked up, his ass was so amazing. It was the worst flight of my life. I was like, yeah, we can't have these la. Beautiful Barbies. He was like a perfect kendo. And I was like, this is crazy.

They're gonna be replaced.

Great.

Replaced with AI. AI is gonna fly all the planes.

I would love that. I hate the idea of these guys getting sleepies. I hate that. No, that's a big part of plane crashes.

How about they have strokes, they got that fifth booster and they fucking stroke out while they're on the.

Does that happen?

Oh, yeah.

No.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. People are stroked out while they're flying.

I'm not religious, but I. The private plane thing freaks me out because I'm working that if God were to smite one of the planes, he'd be like, yeah, the comic who thinks they're hot with a private jet. Dead. You're dead. That one has kids in it.

That's what God's gonna do. Not terrorists.

Oh, yeah. Not terrorists.

No, smite the comic with a big ego. Yeah, that's funny. The people that take the photos in front of the private jet, they're the ones gonna get submitted.

Yeah.

You post it right before you get on the flight.

I worry about that. 100 fresh new shoes. You're going down, dude.

Expensive.

I'll look at a plane that I'm on and see if there's kids. I'm like, oh, safe. We're safe. God's not gonna kill these kids.

That's funny.

Yeah, totally.

Thank you. Thanks for being here.

Thank you.

It's a lot of fun.

Watch my special.

It's available right now on Netflix. What's it called Today?

It came out today.

Today.

Take me with you.

Take me with you. All right.

Oh, yeah. Thanks for having me.

My pleasure. I'll see you tonight. We'll have some fun.

Oh, yeah.

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