Transcript of #2377 - Carrot Top

Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train my day. Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. All right.

Good to see you my man as well.

Thanks for having me. Very, very good.

It's very funny. You're. You brought a box of your stuff and one of them immediately started going off like it's an alarm. What is that?

Yeah, it was a. It's a. It's that commercial that runs for late night Viagra Cialis and it says, hey, we'll send you your Cialis and Viagra and unmarked white envelopes. And I would say, fuck that. I don't. I want just the opposite. I want my neighbors to know I'm getting laid. I want my neighbors to know I have a dick. A hard dick. So it's got sirens and whistles. My dick's hard. My dick is. Yeah. You know, six Engineering.

We were just talking about you the other night at the comedy club. We were like, he owns props. Like, you can't do props now. When I was a kid, when I first started doing stand up and I'm sure you too, there were prop comics.

Sure.

There was a bunch of guys.

Yeah, the wid.

The wid. Yeah, there was quite a few guys that were really good prop. But you became so successful as a prop comic, you kind of stole the market.

Oh, yeah.

There's no young comics coming up.

Nobody wants to be a carrot, Tom. I think that's. I think that's what it is. Like, you know, shit. I. I still get. So you got.

I don't think you get shit.

No, not as much. No. But you still get the aftermath of it. Like just on the plane today, somebod. I don't care. What. No. What are you doing? I'm doing Rogan. They said, oh, man. I don't care what everybody else says. You're funny. I'm like, who's everybody? Who's everybody else? Yeah, well, they get that. I get that a lot. You know, the people that. All the people that you know. Hey, you. I. I personally think you're funny. That kind of stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm. I'm one of the rare.

Yeah.

I'm one of the rare ones that thinks you're good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Exactly. Yeah. I can't. You know, I had to beg my mom to come. She did not want to come.

Yeah, it's such a Weird.

A lot of that. Right?

Well, we talked about that the last time. Like, I think you took way too much from comedians and I never underst. Understood it. I did the weird thing the comedians do where they hate on other comedians. Like, good Lord, we live in a world that is filled with war and famine and disease and pollution and garbage and chaos and corruption. And you want to concentrate on a prop comedy. Is that, is that really, I mean, what the problem is in this world?

True.

Yeah. And it's almost always comics that are doing better than you.

Yes. I think we tried breaking it down last time as to why, and I think it was only because I think, I think one, I did get successful, and it wasn't quick, quick, but it was quicker than maybe most, you know, because I, I hit the scene right at the right time. I had the, the act that was, you know, it was a good act. It was perfect for television. Right. Because it's visuals and it's, I got a little success. And I think people were like, you know what? They would ask Jay, you know, why do you, why do you, why do you have Carrot Top on like, every month? And Jay was like, yeah, he brings the guns. He does a good job. But, But I do remember the comedy, the, the evening at the improv. And I, you know, I, I, I, I played mostly that in the other one Laugh, the Cheesecake Factory, where it was. And then the, the Comedy Store was more admits he loved me, but I never really played there a lot, so Bud loved me. One night, he, he, I came in, I said, you know, I, I had my little back.

Bud Friedman from the improv. Sorry.

Yeah.

And I had my box of stuff, and he always loved me, you know, he. There's no spots tonight. And I said, well, I drug it all the way, you know, fuck. And he's like, let me, let me. I'll see if I get you in somewhere. So the Tonight show bookers were there that night. They were the Jim McCauley. And these people were there to, to pick watch comics and pick them for the Tonight Show. So he's like, hey, you know what? I'm gonna slide you in. They're gonna love you. So I go up and I had the best set ever, I've ever had. It was just a magical night. And I don't know if I was just. I knew they were there. Every comic was coming over going, jesus, dude, fuck. I mean, leveled it, right? And Jim McCauley walks up and he says, that was amazing. And I said, oh, thanks. I said, you booked the Tonight Show? You think that maybe I could get on? And he said, not a chance in hell. And I was like, I had just killed. I go, why he says, you're not. You're. You're. Johnny would never book you.

And I said, why? I said, you. You. But you. You booked the show, right? He goes, he would never. He would never allow it.

I said, why Johnny Carson?

Yeah. I said, why? He says, he hates variety.

What a weird thing.

And I stopped in the middle of my. And I'm like, the whole fucking Tonight Show's variety. Yeah. Carnac, the throwing the hatchets. Every thing they do. Right. Ed McMahon's a prop. Right.

The whole thing is they bring on animals.

Animals. You think I'm kidding, right? So I'm like, well, okay. And then finally, I mean, I'm talking like, two weeks after Johnny left, I was on with Jay, and it was just like, literally. But the weird part about it was it still was the same studio. You know, they had the blue. You know, the gold star. So you're standing right where Johnny was, and the same, like, Ed Decordova was still in the booth, and everyone was still, like, there.

Yeah.

So you felt like it was the. The Tonight Show. But how weird is that? Like, no, you know, don't like Variety. And then I would get, you know, singled out because I would do Leno so many times I'd ask if I could do lettering. They said, no, you're. You're Team Leno. I'm like, oh, I'm. It's like that Twilight movie. I'm a team. Whatever. There's two teams.

Thank God. That doesn't exist in podcasts. That interesting thing where if you were on one person's side, you're the enemy. How stupid is that?

I was, I guess.

Well, it was such famine, thinking back then because, you know, there was only a certain amount of.

Now, you know, it's not a wig on there.

Well, I never thought it was.

No, people that thing on straight.

Isn't it weird that, like, women can wear wigs? No problem at all. A man wears a wig, it's.

You're a loser. Absolutely.

The man with a hair.

Nice. Nice hairpiece.

Yeah.

Or implants. You know, when I lived in la, this is true. I lived in L. A. I'd go to Gold's Gym, and my hair was even more out of control. I had big ass hair. Yeah, you had a giant frog arms. And these ladies were behind me, and they're like, oh, my God, look at that. That woman's arms. Right. Seriously. Had makeup and the end of the whole nine yards. And they were just amazed. And they came over, they said, how do you get your arms that big? And I turned around, I said, I don't know, you know, arm workout. And she's like, oh. And I could see their face turn like, it's a dude. But I was kind of, you know, pretty then, you know, it's like, you know, the younger, a lot of hair, makeup, so. And then that same gym one day, I'm. I'm working out. This guy says, nice arms. And I said, thanks. He's like, who. Who did the work? Right? And I thought, he's making. I said, I didn't. I put in the fucking work. You know, like, who works out for me? He's like, no, no, no. I mean, implants, right?

I'm like, only in LA would you have someone in the gym walk up and say, oh, yeah, implants. Yeah, I have implants. You. You go to the gym and you do. And you do curls.

Assuming that someone has implants is pretty wild.

But I don't have that big of. I mean, this guy thought I. You know, that's how gross LA is. Yeah. Yeah, it is.

That's like the default assumption is that everything's fake.

Yep. No matter what.

Where'd you get your butt?

Who did your butt? Who did your butt?

Where'd you get your nose done? Yeah.

It's always, no, it's true.

No one wants to look at your plugs. Yeah. No one wants to believe that you're natural.

Another thing, I get too weird. I just had a gun today at the airport. He said, hey, you still working out? And I'm like, you're supposed to say, I see you're still working out. Right. You don't ask him if you're still working out. That means you don't look like you work out.

Well, I think he's probably just trying to start a conversation with you.

Yeah. And no, I did.

You mean.

You mean, I see you're still. And he goes, yeah. What did I say? I said, you said, do you still work out?

Yeah. And what's the answer to that? You just say, yes.

I say, no, no, I'm done. Yeah. No, I said, I'm not feeling well.

Yeah, I'm dying.

I'm dying. Yeah. Oh, you didn't hear, like, well, yeah, it's radiation poisoning. Yeah.

Something happened. One of my toys, they always say, you left light.

I hate that, too. I'm in the gym and, like, you always lift light. I don't. I guess it means I don't. I don't lift. I don't ever. I do weights. I don't do heavy weights. I don't have spotters. I just do cables and do some dumbbells. But people always do that. You always work light. Like, I'm heavy.

For me, people are silly. There's a lot of people that just don't know what to say. You know, they meet someone famous, they don't know what to say. They just get weird.

They do, and then they.

Afterwards, they probably leave and go, why the did I say that? Jesus Christ, I feel so stupid. I've done that before. Meet famous people, act like an idiot, and you're like, what? Shit? So I try to give people a little grace.

I'm so true. So true that if I see celebrity, I'm like, oh, I'm not gonna. I'm not.

Hey, Pan.

I'm gonna fuck it up. Really? Right.

Do you get a lot of people coming to your shows that are famous? You must.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have. We had a guy last night. We had a guy here. Chris Jericho was at the show last night. He was. He said hi to you.

The wrestler.

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

Real nice guy.

You've been at the Luxor for how long now?

19. Coming up on 20.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

November, you probably have the longest residency of anybody in Vegas other than, like, Pen.

They were just talking, but they don't count because one only talks. So.

They'Ve been there forever?

They've been there forever. Yeah.

I remember I saw them there in 94. 94, 98. 98. I saw them there in 98.

Yeah.

At the Rio. Back when the Rio was nice.

Yeah.

Right now it's like you got to wear a bulletproof vest.

They should just light it up, you know?

It's a weird place. It's weird how some of those places just. They just fall off. They just. They just get tired and they want to go there anymore. But then if they. They last long enough, then they become like circus. Circus, where they're from.

Right, Right.

It's fun to go there.

No, it is. And then Luxor, they just did a whole big revamp on it, and. Nice. It's. It's a beautiful hotel. Every time I walk in, it's just. It's spectacular to see the. How they made that.

Well, I'm obsessed by Egypt, so for me, it's like, I wish I. The Luxor was the best hotel. I'd stay there every time because it's. You know, it's a fucking giant pyramid.

We actually. It is the best hotel.

Oh, yeah, for sure. For you. We did a Fear Factor stunt where people had to slide down The Luxor once.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Grab flags on the way down. They'd slide down.

All right. See, I'm not doing that.

Pretty ridiculous back in the day.

That is crazy.

Yeah. 20 years, man. That's a long ass time to be doing a residency. So before that you were doing colleges and you were touring and, you know, do you miss any of that? You do a little tour now?

We do a little touring now and then, but it's only when I. When I get the off time. So if I get a week off, like, I'm here, I could be home in my boat. But I'm here, right. I do road shows, but, you know, you can't all. You got to take a break here and there because you can't kill yourself. But I like the, you know, I like the. The touring. I like the bus. You feel like a rock star, you know, but a bus and you got the big venue and there's a sound check and there's people and meeting. We have the looks or. But not like, you know, people hanging out by the bus. You know, I get people like, hey, you, my mom. I'm like, great. Remember, you know, you're getting old. Remember that? Used to remember you, Me now, hey, you, my mom. Pretty soon it'll be, you blew my grandpa. You know, it'll be something. It'll be something when. Wait, his grandpa blew me? Your grandpa blew me. Let's get this straight.

Your grandpa's a liar.

First of all. First of all, your grandpa's a liar.

He's dead.

I'm sorry.

On his deathbed, you know, Carrot top, blooming one.

Thank God he's dead. He can't tell anybody.

The one thing that's good about not touring, though, like, because I mostly just work my club now, is I never feel tired. I like the traveling. Tiredness is horrible. You realize how bad it is to be flying all the time?

That is one great advantage of having the show every night at the Luxor. Because I leave my house. Yeah.

Sleep in your own bed.

Oh, yeah. I'm home by 10:30, 11 latest.

That is a huge plus. That's a huge plus.

Yep. Because the road is. It can tear you up. But anyway, like I said, there's the ups and pluses and minuses of it. It's fun. You're in a rock. You're a rock band.

You know, there's pluses and minuses, but for me, I mean, this is the first time in my life where I haven't toured.

Yeah.

The last few years, last three, four, Years, man.

It's nice.

Well, I guess four, three years ago I was touring still like two years. The last two years, I've just. Since the club opened, I just stopped and it's been amazing. I love it.

Perfect.

You know, all my friends are doing arenas. They send me pictures.

Yeah. Fun. Yeah.

I don't want to do it. Want to get out there. I probably will once I make a new hour because right now I'm at like 40 something minutes. Once I get a full new hour, I'll probably do some. Some tour dates just for the of it.

But.

Yeah, but being at home has giant advantages. It's. You don't realize, like, how much you're destroying your body until you stop doing.

It, you know, It's. Yeah, yeah. They're having the show is nice for that reason too. I mean, you can. You have a normal day, you know, I had a dog for a bit. You can take a dog and then go to work and come home. You're. Yeah. Watching Sports center at 10:30.

Do you feel weird living in Vegas? Vegas is an odd place. It's like you have to find.

Well, I live in the, you know, in the Summerlin area where it's like very nice. Yeah. Suburban. Suburban.

But then you go to work inside the Devil's Ball.

Then I go inside the Devil's Ball is a good way to put. And. Yeah. And then I leave. I leave that down the shaft back to. Back to. Back to Summerlin.

It spits right out the tip at.

The tip in the Summerlin. Who. We're home. That was hell.

Yeah.

I mean, I find it funny. There's a college there and a big college, you know, unlv. I find that funny because you imagine asking your parents like, hey, I want to go to college. And like, oh, right on. Where are you going to go? Michigan? Iowa? You're like, I'm thinking about Vegas.

Good scholars.

Fucking. Not going to Vegas for college.

My buddy Sam Tripley went there.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's good.

I mean, it's a good college. I'm just saying, you know, for. It is weird for the joke purposes.

Well, it seems like Vegas has become more of a community now. Right? They have the Raiders now. Aren't they getting amazing?

The Knights. Yeah. And the.

Yeah, they're golden.

Hockey.

Hockey, right. That's right. They got a hockey team now and always have fights. Fights.

Oh, yeah, Almost every. Oh, yeah, right. Fight.

Some big. Some kind of boxing or UFC event or something.

And there's talking of. They're talking of building the baseball stadium.

I think that's nice. What's going to be the Vegas A's?

That's going to be weird, I guess. Yeah. I don't know.

Is it the Vegas Raiders? Is that what they call themselves?

Yeah, Las Vegas Raiders.

That's weird.

Yeah, everyone, even the commentators, like, Oakland's. The Oakland Raiders. You can't. You know, it takes a long time. People say, Washington Redskins, you know, just every. Chris Collinsworth last week, you know, the Redskins.

What do they call themselves now? The Redskins.

The Commanders. And you're talking. This is pretty good. I'm like a sports guy. I know this stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Commanders.

Yeah. Rent Skids is a weird one.

Washington Commanders.

That one's problematic.

Yeah. You know. Well, there's a lot of. I guess that, though maybe something. There's some article someone did. It was really great. It broke down everything. That could be, like, the Braves, the thing. The Chiefs, they went through all these different things. We'd have to get rid of everything. The only thing left was, like, the Dolphins, because it's a little. But you can't. You know, it's a dolphin. You can't. You can't hurt a dolphin, you know?

Yeah, but then there's dolphins in captivity. It's kind of gross that you're capitalizing on dolphins in captivity.

Right.

There was a. There was a lot of people that were upset about the Notre Dame using the Fighting Irish. Using that little leprechaun guy.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah. I think they're gonna have a problem with everything. I mean, you know.

Yep.

Yep. That's all it is.

You ever get protested?

No, no, no, I. I haven't, but I. I thought I had a nightmare one night that I did. Like, we just. I. You know, I'm. I'm. It just be people outside. The looks are just mad about something. No, but I've thought about that because I know people have been. Have you? You've been. Have you been.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, but see, that's so strange.

Yeah. Minor. Just a bunch of people, like, mad about something. It's always something, you know, whatever it is, people just get upset. It's always a small group of people because it's actually organized by.

Right.

By actual humans versus, like, these crowdfunded ones, right. Where like, they show up on tour busses and they all have. Professionally, they're all getting paid those. That's a weird thing that they're doing today there. That's a. That didn't exist when I was a kid. Like, paid protesters.

I don't think so.

I was Watching a documentary on it on YouTube the other day that was. They followed this woman who is a professional paid protester. And she goes from Free Palestine to this to that. She's been doing it for years. She goes from one protest to the next.

That's her job.

That's her job. Yeah. And she makes, you know, X amount $100 a day.

Wow.

And they fly around, stays at the Four Seasons.

Maybe I'll start.

I think that kind of should be illegal.

Yeah, it kind of.

Yeah. Because it's kind of a lie. It's kind of.

It's beyond fraud. It's beyond fraud. Yeah, beyond. And the guy. Whoever's funding it is, right. Yeah. Who's paying them?

It's usually NGOs, non government organizations that get taxpayer money, unfortunately. But it's a weird thing where you're pretending that these people are outraged when they really just want a sandwich.

You see them all the time in the news. Yeah. And people don't know the real. Right. They don't know they're not real.

No.

But until someone points it out like you just did, and then they get exposed and then people like. No, you're just, you're just listening to the hype of the. What do you call the, you know, the. What do you call it when they say something?

You know, Propaganda.

Propaganda. Or the other one where they're like, oh, that's just, you know, the world's flat and that kind of. The conspiracy theories. So I love those because I, you know, with my dad working at NASA, I would always answer, ask people like what. Like, what do you think?

What'd your dad do at NASA?

He was an engineer. He. He, he trained the astronauts in, in the.

Was he involved?

Simulation, the moon landing. Nice. Yes. Yes. I wish my dad was alive. He'd punch you right now. Oh, yeah, well, I slip, I move. Yeah. No, because we had a. We had a. We just had a discussion backstage. Oh, God dang. A couple days ago, I don't know what something. Had something happened about a flag or something? A flag?

A flag waving on the moon?

No, it was something about a flag, like burning flag, something. And I said, My friend said, that's an interesting. I wonder if the flag is still on the moon. And I said, that's a great question. Like, it's one of those. You had to break it down, right?

Yeah.

So I'd say, well, my dad would know and I guess. And I'm not the brightest guy, but I would do like an engineer would break it down. Well, there's not, you know, there's no wind on the moon. I mean there might be cosmic something wind up there, but it's not right. And there's nothing that's going to deteriorate the flag. So it's probably still there.

Unless it got hit by micrometeorites.

Other than that, it would be right.

There's no atmosphere on the moon, so a very, very thin atmosphere. So it gets pelted all the time.

The only thing that would probably right. But it's unless how deep the fuckers put it. And. But my dad trained him to drive that little lunar rover. And so the joke I was going to put in the show, I said, you know, NASA can now can. They're good. They can zoom in and look at. So here's the NASA zoom in on. They have on the moon. You see the flag? See, I told you the fucking moon's still there. And then we pan over and there's the Land Rover, but it's up on blocks and they've looted it and take all the wheels off of said. See the thing. They've already stole it. They've already tarant.

They did take photos. I think it was India. Was it India or China? One of the satellites that they had hovering the moon took appropriately blurry, ambiguous photos of what they claim was the landing site. Like where the. The lunar module was and. Yeah, where the buggy is.

Well, that was. That would be the punchline. Then you go, of course it's still there in some sound stage in la.

You know, I think the sound stage is probably in Vegas. I think it was out Summerlin.

It might be near my house.

Could be. I think it's out where they film where they do like UFO back. Back engineering. Yeah, maybe that's another weird thing. You're. You're right where, where the Luxor is, is right across the street from where those guys take off to go. Yeah, my brother Area 51.

My brother flew those. Really? Yeah.

Whoa.

Here's the crazy thing. And I probably, you know, my brother was Air Force and so he retired Air Force F16 fighter jet pilot. And now he. For about three years he flew those red striped planes. And the weird thing is I'm in the Luxor when I first got the gig and I was in the. In my room is at the top of the. Not with a lot on the light. That'd be a horrible room to be in. People like, is your room with the light on it? Yeah, my room was with the light in it.

For people that don't know there's a giant spotlight that they actually had a. Toned down.

Yeah, it was indeed.

Yeah.

There's three things you can see from outer space, by the way. The Great Wall of China, the Luxor light, and my cock. Thank you.

I'm here all week. Try the wings.

I'm actually here all. All week. All week. So I'm looking out the window, right? Every morning I would look out and I'd see the planes. And I didn't know they were. I thought they were some private guy, you know, big billionaire that has all these jets out there. They were blue. So I thought, oh, this is another billion of red jets. And so then there's four channels on my tv, almost like when I was a kid, right? And the Luxor was just the Luxor channel. And then the, you know. So the Luxor channel would have on a loop every day this goddamn thing about the red striped planes. And this is real, right? So I'm watching it and they're like, no one in the world knows where these red striped planes are. They fly out of a secret location, I swear to God in the west. And I'm like, I'm looking out my window like they're fucking right there. And it's serious. Like no one knows. For years, people tried to discover where the red planes fly in and out of. I'm like, this is a joke. So I called my brother, I said. And he fly.

I said, you. This thing says that you're like top secret, you don't fly anymore.

Yeah.

I don't know what you're talking about. You know, my brother can't tell me. He would tell me. I just thought that was so crazy. I'm like this whole show saying there's no red planes and there's a mystery if you could find them.

And I'm like, everybody knows where they are.

And zoom in and take a picture of it.

That's ridiculous. Everybody literally knows where they are.

Yeah.

You could see them from Mandalay Bay.

Unless they are fake ones. They're the ones that deploy. See, they did the decoy. The decoy? Yeah. Just like the 747. Then they have the other 747.

Yeah. When Bob Lazar was working on back engineering UFOs, allegedly that's where he used to fly out of. They'd pick him up there and he'd fly over to Area S4. Quick, quick little flight out into the middle of Groom Lake. Quick layover and get out. And they'd say, figure this thing out.

Geez.

Allegedly.

Allegedly. Yeah.

Supposedly looks like that, that one right there.

Right. I thought that was a symbol of AC DC's album. Doesn't it?

It looks a little bit like that. No, it's this. That's the sport model. That's what Bob supposedly was working on in Area 51. Yeah. You know, who knows? It's fun.

Yeah, I love all about space stuff. Yeah.

But when you're looking at those actual planes, I'd like to talk to one of those guys. They tell you though, then they're fucked.

Oh yeah, like my brother's like, we talking about. He would not know. He said I, you know, work it in and out. No, you don't.

You.

You fly this planes. Tell me more.

He wouldn't tell you nothing?

No.

Even if they put the phones down and go for a walk?

No.

Nothing.

Your own brother? Yep.

If you're my brother, I'd tell you.

Would you?

Fuck yeah.

I would too. I don't. See. I can't keep a secret. That's probably. That's why you're not exactly why they wouldn't hire you.

People always ask me like, does anybody ever tell you like secret, top secret information? Like.

No.

I have a big fucking mouth. They told me that UFOs are real. I'd be, I'd be like, look, I'm sorry, maybe they're going to put me in jail. But I have to tell you, I.

Always have that question too, honestly, about. About people that have had security clearances and that. And then they revoke them and they get rid of. Yeah, my biggest.

You can take those.

I know. These are not working. Yeah, these aren't working.

Something about your hair.

Yeah, my physique.

Let's just. Let's just go headsetless.

Oh, God.

Better? Oh, it was a struggle.

Can I take my pants off too?

This is a pants free zone.

No headphone, no pant wearing. The zone.

You probably have extra pants in there anyway.

I. I might probably have something in there. I know. I used to even know your show.

Or do you just like reach in.

And start the show? The show is structured, but when I come and do like little things, there's not at all. There's nothing. Zero.

Do you ever do guest sets like at a comedy club or you bring the.

I used to do. I used to make a thing.

You do it these days?

No, no, I mean to kind of do like this is what I'm doing today, but Tony, I bring a little.

A little Tony love. Last time he did it, it was very fun. I saw it was.

Yeah. He said, he said to me was home. I said, I don't really want to do props, you know, I want to talk. I want to do. I want to be, you know, not Carrot Top. He says, but that's what I want. I want you to be that. And he was right, because he was really. He was right because, you know, a lot of his. It was both right. Yeah, it was fun to talk, be funny without doing props and then go in and show some of the stuff. And he. He was beside himself. He said, are you here tomorrow night? I'm here. No, no, tonight.

And I have a show there tomorrow night.

Ah.

I was gonna say, be fun if you.

Oh, that would be.

Pulled the box up.

Oh, man, I would have done that in Harp.

Another time. You'll be back.

Yeah, yeah.

Next time was playing on that.

Yeah, that would be fun. Absolutely. Yeah. I just had Ron White come up on. On stage just last Friday.

Oh, he was in Vegas.

He was in Vegas. And he came out and, you know, Ron's just a hoot, he says. He comes in and I said, you know, I said, well, I. I thought, you know, what do you want me to do? I said, you just. Just do what, you know, don't, you know, the big stress out. Don't come out and do 20 minutes. Just, I think, just poke your head out. I have a. I had a. I have a bit in my act where I talk about my dad working at NASA and training astronauts, and it's just like Neil Armstrong and John Glenn. They. All these pictures come up and Katy Perry, everybody goes, ah. And said, if my dad was alive, you could hear him right now. He goes, what the. And I got Ron White to do the voice for it, right? So the crowd, they already know it. You just hear his voice. What the fuck? And everybody's like, ron White. So I said, that sounds like Ron White. And I said, sounds a lot. Lot like Ron White. And he. He walks out and he goes, well, no Sherlock. And the crowd loses it, right?

And he's so nice. I was gonna come out here and say something, but you're. I was having a good set, blowing the roof, all of the place. And so he says, do you still want it? I said that, dude, joke. All right, I'll do. He did some joke. And it was great because he's. He was. I'm watching the whole show. He's like one of my men, you know, heroes in life. He's sitting there watching the show, but then he's gone for, like. I don't. His bits coming up. I don't know where he is. And you could smell pot the whole. The whole theater. So I smell my license. Not a joke. And I'm like, oh, I hope it's. I mean, Ron, you can't, like, smoke weed in here. So he. I go off after he comes out, and he's just. He just. It comes. So I said, all right, Another name for Ron White. And I said, some kind of. I said, and if you smell weed, it's probably. He's back. He goes back in my dress. Now there's another show back that's back down, and there are all these stripper girls. And he's. They're all like, hey, I didn't know you partied.

I'm like, what? Like, I didn't know you part. I've been there 19 years. I'm like, I don't party. They're like, no, that's. Oh, that's my friend Ron. He's smoking weed. They're like, holy, she's got good shit. I mean, it was. It would just bellow through the whole lobby out into the lobby.

Yeah, he can go hard.

Oh.

He goes, I smoked weed with him and then done a set and be like, oh, my God, what am I talking about?

Yeah. No, he was so glittery. And then he left his weed and his wallet in my dressing room.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I love his wallet and his weed lead.

He's here. He lives here.

He does. I know. He's. He said he might surprise me today. Later.

Oh, nice.

And you've done with. I don't know if I do shows.

With him every week. Every week.

It's not great. He's just.

He's one of the main reasons why I moved here.

Oh, that's crazy.

When he moved here in 2000, I think 17 or 18. I think 18. And I was like, where are you, man? I miss you. He's like, I moved back to Austin. I love it. It's in the middle of the country. I can fly from everywhere. It's like three hours no matter where you go. Three hours New York, three hours to la. Perfectly centrally located. People are nice, food's great. I was like, all right.

He's right.

He met. He got me thinking about Austin. And then when the pandemic hit, I was like, well, if I move to Austin, at the very least Ron's going to be there. I'm like, there's good comedy club there. But the comedy club had already closed. I'm like, but at least Ron's there. You know, I'll have a Friend. I just had to get out of la. And he was just raving about how good. Come on down, man. Austin's fucking.

Austin good? Yeah. Weed.

He's also the one who talked me into opening up a club.

Awesome.

Yeah, it was. It was totally Ron. He hadn't done state. It's a really funny story. He hadn't done stand up in, like eight months. He goes, I'm retired. Because it was the. Yeah, all the chaos. I'm retired. I'm done. I got plenty of money. I'm just gonna enjoy life. And it's not. I'm like, okay, come on, man.

Really?

I'm like, you're so funny. That guy just can't believe that. And so then Tony put on a show at the Vulcan. Tony had done like one or two shows indoor. I'm like. Which was crazy. Like, oh, my God, we're doing shows indoors in 2020. This is madness.

Right?

And in LA, people are freaking out. You're killing green.

Yeah, exactly.

So Ron was like, oh, fuck it. I don't even know if I'm gonna do a set. And then he decided to go on stage. He went on stage, the audience went bananas. He got a huge standing ovation. The moment he went on stage, murdered. I mean, murdered for 15 minutes. And then he came upstage and he grabbed me by my shoulders and he goes, whatever the to do. We're gonna keep doing this. You gotta open that club.

I'm like, okay, okay, that's great.

That was the beginning of the comedy mothership. It was.

Wrong way. How great is that?

Yeah, he's the. He was the. The original. He was the. The Christopher Columbus. But that's a bad example because that guy was a real piece of. You know, he was the original pioneer that came here.

Yeah. Crazy. We went out among the last. I'll do one more Ron White story because it's. It's just. Just incredible. I go. I go. He go. We go out and it's a little fancy, like one of these posh little bars down somewhere in the fancy hotel. And I even said, where do you want to go? And he says, this is kind of like, you know, I thought we'd go to a bar. He said, let's go. The one there are you? Or whatever. So we go and it's. It's real fancy. And we sit down and the waitress walks over to us and it's. There's three of us. His wife, his girlfriend, me, my friend. And I said, let's do a crown on the rocks. And I'll have a glass of wine. And as I look over to his wife, I said, would you like a damn. Someone smoking weed? And Ron's is literally. He looks at. He's like, well, no. And I go, ron, you can't. You can't smoke pot in here. He goes, the hell. Who the hell's gonna throw Ron White and Carrot Top out of a bar? And within seconds, Metro is standing there going, you guys get the out of here.

And Ron's like, you gotta. I said, ron, you can't. Like, he just. He's. The cops are there. And he's like, well, they're good. They're good. I said, no, we're not good. We gotta go. He just thought. He. Who's gonna. He did that? My. Backstage this last week. I said, you can't smoke pot back here. He's. It's your dressing room. What does that mean? It means you can't. Is that because I've got other. No, because I've got the other people.

The girls, the show, the next.

There's a lot of the other people backstage that I can't do.

The next show is like strippers called Fantasy.

Yeah, it's like my. It's like a lot my show, except it's funnier and there's naked people. So. Yeah.

What is it?

It's just a girls dancing review show.

They used to have something like that. It was called Crazy Girls. Yeah, it was like comedians would host it.

Yeah. That was kind of like this one. They haven't. They even. They have it. Have a comic in the middle, the girls. Yeah, it's a good show. They've been there for.

It's for people that want an excuse to see strippers. But they don't want to go to a strip club.

Right, Right.

So they.

Exactly.

You can take a date to a show.

Right, Right. See some titties. Yes, exactly. It's smart, isn't it? See, we didn't go to a strip club, honey. We went to a fancy titty bar.

Vegas is just such an odd place. There's nothing like that place. It's so strange. It's just got such a history. But it's first of all, the beginning of it, Right. It's founded by the mob. Like, they literally want a place where they can get gambling. And then in order to have legal gambling, there's probably some sort of a deal where they let the government blow nukes off in the middle of the mountains. So there's out there where you really can't even visit because they detonated 50, 60 nukes.

Yeah, it's crazy.

That's what killed John Wayne.

You know, Vegas.

John Wayne was doing a movie in Nevada about Genghis Khan. It's a terrible movie. And he did that movie. And a giant percentage of the people that worked on the movie got cancer from it.

Oh.

Because they were literally like right down the road from one of the test sites rights.

Yeah, that's crazy.

It's right.

Yeah.

But I always thought that's probably one of the reasons why they allowed them to do the gambling thing there. They probably made some sort of a deal like, yeah, you can have gambling, but this is what we want to do. Yeah, we want to blow off nukes.

Jesus. I feel like that sometimes when I'm on stage with Luxor, something. Something from comes down and you can. The crowd can see it. Just particle of something. It's always like, oh, that's nice. You know, the place is fine. Asbestos.

Well, it's not nukes. Lexer was built in like what, the early 2000s?

Yeah. It wouldn't be new, it wouldn't be nuclear stuff.

When was that place built?

Yeah, something like that.

Because when we filmed Fear Factor there was like two.

About 2,000, 20 of them. So yeah, 2,000. Yeah.

So I don't think they use asbestos, but it's just such a weird place. 93. Oh, wow. No kidding.

Oh, we're way. I'm way off and I work there.

Not too far off. 10 years.

Wow, look at that.

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Yeah. It's still phenomenal. You walk inside it, it's just breathtaking.

I was there recently, I went to.

See you, the body. You walk in and it's like I do a joke like this. Yeah. I got. I had sex on this really hot chicken and then they finally. They threw me out of the bodies exhibit or something.

That bodies exhibit is fucking creepy. Do you know the story behind that place?

I look well a little. I mean, yeah, kind of.

They're mostly. Well, they don't really know like where they're getting the bodies, but they do know that a lot of them are political prisoners. Yeah. So it's basically like people that ran afoul of the Chinese government, so they whack them and turn them into statues.

Wow, that's creepy. That's right outside my theater.

Yeah.

Well, damn.

A lot of them they call like unidentified bodies. But the real problem is like to be unidentified body, you have to be unidentified for 30 days. But then in order to do the plastination process where they turn you into a statue, it has to take place within 48 hours of death. So someone's lying.

Fuck yeah.

Someone's.

Makes a lot more sense now.

A lot of bullet holes.

What a great place to have a comedy club. Right next to like the Titanic museum and dead fucking bodies. Right? Yeah. I didn't get you more in a mood for a show.

I saw that too. The Titanic museum.

Yeah, Titanic museum.

That's pretty dope. They have actually have a big chunk of the Titanic on display there.

Yeah, Big chunk in there.

Yeah. What a wild time where people would just get on a boat and travel across the Ocean with no YouTube, no GPS. Hope they didn't hit an iceberg. And that was like super fancy high tech travel. Imagine the people that traveled 30, 40 years before that. Wooden boats.

Yeah.

Not having any idea, just going on a. A promise that you had a job waiting on the other side of the fucking ocean, right?

Yeah.

So my grandparents got here.

There are probably comics on those cruise ships working.

Probably terrible comics on those cruise ships. That's the worst job in common ever.

Right. Ever. I did one. That's my only one.

It's one of those things where a guy. You know, there's some guys that like it. Like, I know a lot of Bowden does, like, jazz cruises. Like, Alonzo Bowden is a. He's a great comic, but he's also, like, a giant jazz fan fan, loves jazz music. So he'll go on jazz cruises. And it's. It's probably perfect for him because, like, it's like, if I went on an MMA cruise, you know, I could talk about.

Right.

It's like, you can talk about subjects that most people in a regular crowd like, what the is he talking about? If you're talking about obscure jazz music, you know.

Yeah. No, that would work. I have a lot of friends love cruise ships. I just don't. Yeah.

Have you heard what they're doing with AI music, speaking of jazz?

Yes.

They. They did 50. I sent it to Jamie today. They took 50 cents many men and made it, like, a soulful song that seems like it's from the 50s or 60s. Have you heard this?

No, but I heard. I've heard a few other ones. Not the 50 cent one.

Dude, you want to listen to it?

Yeah.

It's so fucking good. I sent it to Brian Simpson, and he said, that is the best fucking thing you've ever sent me.

So they just. They just. They just did that?

Yes, through AI. It's not even a real human being's voice. Voice. And it's good, dude. It's good where you're like, whoa, listen to this. It seems weird hearing these lyrics with this kind of singing, you know, because it's like hardcore gangster rap music. But with. Listen to this, though. It's kind of crazy that they're doing.

Many man wish death upon me Blood in my dog and I can't see I'm trying to be wow.

What I'm destined to be.

And trying to take my life away Isn't that great?

It gets better. I put a hole in a nut.

For with me.

My back on the.

Wall now you going to see.

Better.

Watch how you talk when you talk about me Because I'll come and take.

Your life away.

Great. How incredible.

Nobody sings lyrics like that with those kind of lyrics. It's gangster rap with an incredible voice. AI is scary, man.

Yeah.

That's so good. If that was a dude. If that was a dude who sang that, I was like, who's this guy, right? You know, I'm like, this guy is fine.

That's the kind of stuff we're going to be. Yeah. I mean, the first time I heard about it was Randy Travis had a song out. And I love Randy Travis. So I was like, he has a new album out. He's not doing well. He can't. You know, he hasn't been able to.

That's right. They used AI but that was his decision, right?

Yes.

Yeah. I think he wrote the music.

Yeah, I think he did, but it just blew me away. We had a whole fight with my crew. Like, it's AI. It's not. It's AI. And then they came back and they said it. Right. But they said it was.

The difference is, like, this is not a real person's voice. It's probably a conglomeration of multiple different singers. Voice. At least, I'm guessing. Is it actually a guy?

I don't know where this started, but looking at the one that I'm looking.

At, they are trying to sell this like it's a. They tried to make it seem like.

50 Cent covered this song from some guy named Shifty Brent.

Oh, yeah. But they do that stuff. They did that with the Chris Rock thing. When Chris Rock got slapped by Will Smith, they tried to pretend that it was an old television show, and they did an AI version of this old television show where a guy goes on stage and slaps the comedian. It's really funny. It's. AI is so squirrely.

Yeah.

Um, they're probably just trying to make money. That's why they did it.

But.

God damn it.

But the Randy Travis one is his voice. I don't think so.

No, no, it is. So what they do is like, it's my voice, too. Like, they use AI with my. There's a. There's a whole podcast with me and Steve Jobs. I never met Steve Jobs.

Oh, gosh.

There's a whole podcast that somebody made with AI AI. Because you have Steve Jobs's voice and you have my voice. Thousands and thousands of hours. Every sound that I can make with my voice.

Sure.

Is already made. So all the computer has to do that. Weird noises. Weird noises. But all the computer has to do is just take a giant amount of your noise and then apply. And then apply it differently. Emotionally, slowly, somberly, angrily. And you can just put it all together.

They just had one with me. Something. It was like, what the. It was me doing something, you know?

Do they do ransom phone calls where people call people and say, I've been kidnapped. I need money?

That's what it was. It was not. It was. Hey, it's. It's. It's me. Listen, if you could help me out. I need. And it was like I was broke and I was down and out. I needed money.

And they.

But it was me.

Stop sucking my dick. And we're in the desert. Send money. Yeah, there's. It's weird. It's real weird because it's super good now. In the beginning, when we first started hearing, it was kind of obvious because the inflections were all off. Like the way you would say something like. Like the inflections in that.

Oh, that's amazing.

Was insane. You know that. I'll take that. I'll take your life. Watch how you're talking about me. I'll take your life away.

That's great.

Oh, you hear it? You're like, damn. So that means that. That we. We associate with a soulful, incredibly creative person with an amazing God given talent of a voice. Voice. But it's not right. That's what's crazy. Like, they nailed it. Even though I know it's fake, I love it. Yeah, and you love it too. Like, we're listening like this.

No, that was great. That was beautiful.

We know it's fake. That's kind of crazy. The Randy Travis thing is different because what they just did is he wrote it and then he can't sing anymore. But they have thousands of hours of him singing, singing.

So they took.

They take that and then just turn it into him singing. It is him singing. It's actually his voice. Voice. It's just not coming out of his mouth. It's coming out of technology. But it is his voice.

Crazy.

And it's his writing.

Right.

So it's like it really is a Randy Travis album. It's just Randy. Like, you can enjoy someone that can't do it anymore, but it's still alive, right?

Sure.

You know, like, that guy had so many great songs.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God, that guy.

I could go on forever. Never, ever, ever have. Never.

Well, you have to have.

No. He's got so many. I love. I was my first big country says Kenny Rogers. And my dad would go to see Kenny Rogers. Every goddamn. Every concert my dad went to is Kenny Rogers. Really? Literally.

That's hilarious.

And then he goes, oh, we put the head. No, I'm off. Because I feel more animated.

Yeah, there you go.

The. This is weird. So we get. He goes to see Kenny Rogers and I'm. I'm like 12 or something. 13. He says, you want to go? So my dad's. I said, I'll go to Ken. First concert, Kenny Rogers. It's like, huge. He was playing, like, arenas. It was him and Tammy Wynette, and that was great. You gotta know we write all the hits and we go, yeah. And then the second concert I go to was Kenny Rogers, right? So I'm like, geez, all right. I don't think there's anything else but Kenny Rogers, right? Third time I go to this thing, I'm like, dad, can we go to, like, Alabama? Can we go to another. Another concert? Because he loved Alabama. He loved his. No Kenny Rogers. So then I meet Kenny Rogers in an elevator in la. Like, it's just the weirdest thing. Bing. Doors open, and he gets. Standing. He gets on. I said. I said, oh, man, I. Don't bother. You're legend. He's like, thank you. I said, you know the first concert I ever went to? He says, I'm gonna say me. I said, yep. He said, that's awesome. I said, you know the second concert I went to?

He says, nope. I. I said, you. He says, wow, that's awesome. I said, you want another third? And he goes, all right, fuck off. He goes, fuck off. Where are we going with this? I said, my dad took me to your concert three times in a row. He goes, well, you have a great dad. And then it was just kind of awkward. I kind of ran out of.

That's exactly what we were talking about. You act weird in front of celebrities.

Yeah, and I did. Right? And we're just looking at the numbers and we're going up. And finally I said, oh, you know what? You have great chicken. And I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't know what else to say. But he really did have those great chicken roasters thing. And that's what I said. And he went like. He looked at me like. I said, no. And the sides are great, too. The chicken, that.

That song, the Gambler. How many people did that turn into? Gambling junkies?

Right?

Romanticized gambling. You made it seem so. You gotta know when to hold them. I do. I know when. I know when to run.

I know what I'm doing.

I got this made a. Make a TV movie about that, wasn't there?

Yeah, I think they did call the Gambit. Wasn't it called the Gaming Gambler?

I think there's a TV movie called the Gambler. Yeah.

We'Ll find out in seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's something about. There's something about music that was created before the. The Internet.

The Gambler. Here you go.

Gambler. Look at him. What year is this? 1980. There's something about stuff that was created before the Internet. That's so fascinating. It's like an archeological dig, you know, like this is.

Look at that. That's just great. Like that even looks great, doesn't it? It's like you want to watch it?

Can I say, can I listen? Because it's like an archeological dig. Like you're. You're looking at the way people used to behave and talk before the Internet.

Right.

You know, it's weird. It's like oddly fake. You know, it's like oddly interesting how you.

You analyzed that way. That's what. Now I want to see what you're talking about.

Yeah, like I'm being. I'm an amateur archeologist this year. This is a different time. Human beings from 1980 were like a different thing. Everybody would just leave the house. Everyone had a key. Nobody knew where anybody was at any given time you left the house, you were gone. We didn't even have answering machines yet.

No, Right.

People were basically wild animals who lived in houses and they only knew how to behave from movies and tv. Give me some this Playing the music. Oh, is it still playing the music? Oh, okay. Is this the theme song? I mean, it's playing the song, the game I wanted. Yeah.

That's great. That's so funny.

Look at even the way it looks. The way it looks. It looks so cornball. It's just kind of amazing. You know, we just. People just kind of accepted.

I love the fact that how you put it there. There was not even having self recall.

Yeah.

Answer answer machines. So they were just gone.

People in 1980 were essentially wild animals. They were wild animals who had children. No one knew what was going on in the world. Everybody was completely uninformed.

Right.

It's crazy. We're all worried that Russia was going to blow us up. That was every day. Everybody's worried about Russia blowing us up. And no one knew what was going on. And everybody lived in bliss. And you only knew the people in your neighborhood didn't know anybody else.

No.

You didn't know like true people. There wasn't even 1/100th of the amount of famous people back then. There was a tiny amount of famous people. There was Elvis and a few other folks.

Yeah.

There's a few rock stars, a few comics. There's like Richard Pry.

Right. TV shows that you find with think, you know. Yeah, dude.

Animals. We were. Look at Kenny Rogers sell it. These are wild animals that have just been introduced to technology and they're aping what it's like to be a Grown up. Like they're just figuring it out. And now here we are. We're like the teenagers. We're the adolescents of. Of civil. We realize that's kind of silly and everything. There's a. But there's stuff from then that's better than stuff that's today. For whatever weird reason. There's some music back then that hits you because like you realize like how special this really. Like Prince, for instance. Like I remember the first time I listened to Prince. I listened to. I was delivering newspapers at the time and I listened to I want to be your lover. And I was like, who the fuck is this guy, man? Like this guy was coming out of nowhere. He was like completely androgynous, like beauty. He was a beautiful man with his long flowing hair. And the first album is him with his shirt off just staring at you like what the is going on? And then I want to be your lover. I heard that. I was like, oh my God, this guy's talented.

But he was like out of nowhere talented, talented. You know what I mean? Like who the was like that guy before him, right? He was completely different than anybody that came before.

The only one I think that would people compare was Michael Jackson. Because of the.

He's very different too, right?

But that hit because. Because I remember when Prince came out, I'm like, oh, he's trying to be Michael Jackson. Or no. Yeah, but he could. He wasn't.

What year is this first performance? Oh, let me see this. Let me hear some of this.

There you go. There's your song. Yeah. Come on, man.

What a song. Look at him now.

Him.

Bro.

You could. It's so funny. This, this, this video. If you took the sound off this and you put in like Cinderella, it would probably match his, his Aerosmith. But it looked how he's doing it. But even he walked his way, right? He's got it. Even took the phone. It looks like. Yes.

He was so compelled, compelling. I bet women were so confused why they wanted to him. Like why do I want to that woman they wanted to dig. Like he cracked the code. He figures something out. When you're a five foot three dude with insane amount of talent and you're wearing stiletto heels on stage and everybody wants to you. Yeah, cuz he was that talented. Yeah, yeah, he was that talented. And then it was also his music was so wild. Like that song Head. I remember that song that was like what year was Head? Is it like 86 or something like that? Like what year was that?

I know the thing.

80. Wow. 1980. So this is in. Before I was in high school. So, son, this is before I was in high school. He had a song about blowjobs.

Yeah.

Morning, noon, and night. I'll give you a head.

Yep.

Till you burn it up. Head. Do you love his red head? Love you to your dad.

You know, Prince people. Prince people reached out to our. Our people one night and asked if they could come to the show when he was at the Rio.

Whoa.

And we said, well, yeah. What do you mean? Of course we would. And they said, there's only one. One caveat was that you can't curse.

Prince hates cursing.

Yeah.

For real? For real.

Well, yeah.

Maybe he just wanted to fuck with you.

Maybe.

How much power do I have?

Yeah, I do tell. Well, I don't think I was. But I was like, I want to hear swear I would tell my. My people. I said. I said, hold on a second. He's talking. I can't curse. I said, yeah, that's the only thing I said. But I. His. He has a song called Cream. Get off Cream, right?

Yeah.

And they're like, yeah. I'm like, no, I'm not going to change my whole.

Oh. He became a devoted Jehovah's wit.

Yeah.

And as a result, stop using profanity. Even implementing a cash swear jar at his Paisley park studio to enforce his no swearing policy. Witnesses believe that using blasphemous or foul language is a sin. And Prince adhered to this tenant by removing swear words from his music and charging people for any foul language spoken at his compound.

Well, I'm already down like 200. I'm already fine. 200 bucks today. I think, as much as I love.

That guy, I would not visit him. I would be like, I can't do that.

No. That's what I don't want to do. Well, that's what I said.

Maybe I would.

Maybe I visit him once.

Maybe I talked to him once. I would just like. Like, if I'm going to go talk to a priest, I'm not going to go swear. You know what I mean?

Right.

I'm going to try to be nice.

Yeah.

But, like, at a certain point in time, like, I don't want to perpetuate this really stupid idea that different sounds that you make with your mouth are uniquely offensive. It's what you're. You're saying. Saying it's supposed to be a sound that I make so you know what I'm thinking. And if you have words that you could substitute for these thoughts that are completely. If you Have a thought that is only expressed through fuck you.

Right?

Like, we know what fuck you means. And everybody says fuck you. Do you? For you to say that, you can't say that anymore. You're manipulating language to make it have less nuance. Nuance, that's never good.

Yeah.

Like, it's already not nuanced enough. Like, it still doesn't quite grasp exactly what you're thinking or what you're saying. And the worst case scenario of it is when someone writes down what you're saying instead of, like, hearing you say it in context with the conversation that you're having.

Right, right.

So it's like anybody who says, don't use certain words like, stop being a baby. Stop being a baby. These are just noises you make so that we can understand. All that shit is nonsense. It's stupid. It's stupid. And it was mostly created, I think, first of all, on television, right? Television, you had advertising, and that was the only place where there was advertising. And so that was the only place that had a proven audience. But to keep that proven audience on NBC and cbs, you had to institute laws where you literally would get fed. Fined, like, a serious amount of money if you swore on tv. And then cable came along and everybody, you know, Sam Kinison was like, hbo, right? Like, and you're like, what? This is way better. Like, why can't we just talk?

Right?

But again, this is cave people, right? Kinnison On HBO was 86.

Right.

No one knew what the was going on, dude. No one knew what the was going on back then.

Prior. Yeah, it was just amazing.

When I was a kid. Kid, I was at my friend Jimmy Lawless's house and we watched Eddie Murphy. Delirious. I think we were all like, what year was that?

80.

I want to say I was 15, maybe.

Delirious. 86.

I want to say I was like 15 or 16. I couldn't believe how funny it was. I was like, this is insane.

Oh, no.

He's talking about the. The Honeymooners, each other in the ass. Jackie Gleason is Ed Norton in the ass. I've been looking at you like, this is insane. How Is this on TV?

86. 83. 83.

Yeah. Wow.

Unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah, that. I think you're right.

It makes me like, 15. Crazy. It was so good, dude. And it was new. It was like all of a sudden, you're, see, you're hearing someone just wearing on tv.

Yeah.

Like, this is crazy. How am I even watching this?

Right? That's. Well, it was. That was a big Change in every. Yeah, because the cable.

Well, cable and then VHS tapes where you can go and, like, you could rent. Delirious people would rent it.

Wasn't it too. When we had to write.

Yeah. Go home, put it in, get popcorn out and go watch the lyrics.

Yeah. We were gay people.

We were telling stories by the fire.

Yeah. Literally right now.

That was our form of entertainment.

So weird. Do you think back about that? Could you keep bringing this up? But isn't that weird because I'm about your age and that. We didn't have any. We didn't. Like you said, we didn't have an answering machine.

Yeah. We had nothing.

We had nothing.

We had nothing. I think we are the perfect. We're the perfect people to, like, really understand the change that society has gone through and how spectacular that change is. Because we. We were there when there was none. Where there was nothing. Where walkie talkies were crazy.

That was huge.

If somebody had a walkie talkie, that was nuts.

You could talk to your friend in your bedroom. So good, bro.

What's going on over there? Over.

Yeah, yeah, Right. Mom just pulled in. Over. Yeah. It was the craziest thing in the world.

You could talk at a walkie talkie. Or I knew a dude who had a CB in his car. He would just have random conversations with people, bro.

They would just start talking about stuff. Yeah.

Breaker one night. What you up to?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they would just have conversations and people would meet people.

Like you said, the smoking. The Bandit. That was that. That was that. But that. That is the. About the time you're talking about too.

Where they were.

We had CBs, but they're also like cavemen. They were just. Yeah, it was. It was. It was.

But you were the cool guy. If you had a CB in your truck.

Yeah.

If you had a CB in your truck, you were cool. D. Didn't. Didn't Burt Reynolds have a CB in his Trans Am?

Yeah, of course he did.

Did he?

Yeah, he had to. Yeah. Yeah, he did. Hey. Hey, Big, what's up? And we're gonna pull over here and feed the dog and 10, four, good buddy.

That is the ultimate cool guy. He's got a walkie talkie in his Trans Am with a cowboy hat on.

Right? That's my. By the way, that's. It is one of my only movies that I own on my ipod, bro.

It is another archeological site. It's D. A dig they've dug down to another time of human beings, where this is the coolest guy in the World. A guy runs from the cops in a Trans Am with a Firebird on the hood, and he's talking on a CB with a cowboy hat on.

I mean, that was the first movie.

That's like Greek theater.

Yeah. First movie. They broke the camera. The third. What do you call that? Where they look into the third wall. Yeah, yeah, that was the first.

Fourth wall.

Fourth wall, Fourth wall, Fourth wall, Fourth wall. Fourth wall is right when he's. When he first being chased.

Yeah. Thank God, James.

He's going down the. He's going. He's. He. He loses him in the alley in the very beginning, chasing. And he's going like he's backing in like this. And he looks at the camera, he goes. It's like. That was fucking awesome. Like, he just. He just gave that look and went.

Oh, Burt Reynolds had so much charisma.

It's great.

He was so.

And the fucking sheriff. I mean, God damn it. How great is that?

Who's really great?

Give me a Dabble sandwich and Dr. Pepper, maybe. Quick. I'm in a goddamn hur. That. Who's chasing you? No one's chasing me. I'm sheriff. No one's chasing me. You stay here and you leave. You leave. You think about it, but don't do it.

Yeah.

There's kids on the car, dude.

Jackie Gleason was amazing in that.

That's an attention getter.

Yeah, he was so good at.

That's called an attention getter.

Do you remember Burt Reynolds and Delirium Difference?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

That was. That was an insane, Crazy.

Crazy.

That was an insane. That was. When you get to see him as an actual actor, you're like, oh, this guy was good. He was a good actor. You know what I mean? Like, it wasn't just smoking the band.

Right? Sure.

No, the guy having a good time. Super charming, great mustache. He was fun, man. Like in Deliverance. It was, like, right out of him right when he was done playing football. Football.

Yep. That's right.

He kills a guy with a bow, doesn't he?

Crazy movie. Yeah, man.

It was a good movie. That was a good movie.

I got to meet him. He's cool as hell. That's a very intense high fight.

You had a pie fight with Burt?

No, I was on the Tonight Show. Burt Run. This is crazy. Burt Reynolds was a get. Was the lead guest. He came out and talked about being married, like, nine times. Mark Summers, who hosted the game show whatever it was, Mark Summers, he came out and Bert's moves down to the second chair and. And Mark Said, here's Jay. And he's. He. He puts us back to Bert, and he starts telling him, you know. You know, something about being, you know, I've only been married once. And Bert's over there, you know, kind of getting a little. First he's got his back to him. Then he takes the cup, the mug, and he says. He went to take it. He says, is this mine? He says, I don't give a. And he says, well, you've been married five times. I don't want to. He was trying to be funny. Like, I don't drink after you've been married five times. They kind of hurt. They got. Oh, here it is. Now, here's the best part. I'm watch. Whoa. Oh, no. This is real shit. I'm a guest. I'm gonna. I'm getting ready.

He threw a drink on him.

Yeah.

Is this planned? No, no, no. And who's the other dude?

Mark Son Summers.

And who's Clark Summers?

He's the host. Double dare. Double dare. Thank you. Stuff. Now watch. Now watch how angry Bert he's. Watch him. Watch. He's. They didn't have this plan, by the way, but Bert hits him hard. Oh.

Yo, that hurt. Look at the torque he got in that right hand. I want you to watch this again.

Bro.

No, he kind of hip into that.

No, he was at the end. If you watch it, he'll go, hey, Carrot Top will be here tomorrow night at the end.

Let's look.

Look at this.

Frame by frame.

Well, he's a football player, too. Look at.

Bro, bro, he clocked that dude. Look at his face. Look at that freeze frame. That guy should be ashamed of that look for the rest of his life. How dare you? How dare.

That face right there. Scary. Yeah.

If I was friends with that dude, I'd be like, no, you're not gonna do that. He's gonna hit. He's gonna kill you, bro. Look at that torque he got in. Oh, yeah.

Well, let's say you football player, bro.

That was like.

And I'm backstage going, am I going on? They're like, no, we're gonna. We're gonna be. We're gonna cut you.

Actually, I just want to say that guy's got a great chin.

Fun.

He's smiling. Yeah, he better smile. He just got slapped. He took a great shot. I want to say.

He says, we'll be right back with. No, tomorrow night, Karen. We'll be right back right after this message. We'll be right back.

That was salt and pepper, J. Yeah. Another guy Took way too much.

J.

They gave him so, so much of a hard time. It's just like when Larry Holmes became the heavyweight champ of the world after Muhammad Ali. Everybody hated Larry Holmes. When Jay Leno took over after John Carson, he got.

He got a lot of grief for that.

For no reason.

No reason. Because they would put on great shows, too.

Super nice guy.

The writing was great. The.

No, I always had a good time talking to him. Always a nice guy. Yeah, he's a nice guy. And, like, what he should have been doing all along is really what he's doing now is his car shows.

Right.

Because, like, that guy, if you talk to him about cars, he's so entertaining. He loves cars.

That.

He loves them. I mean, he knows more about cars probably than anybody I've ever met in my life. He's got an insane collection. And he likes everything, you know, like dots, anything.

He's got a fire truck.

Yep, yep, yep. He's just.

Jet bike.

A genuine fan of automobiles. And the way he talks about is so entertaining.

Yep.

No, because that's really what he wants to do.

And he's also crazy, right. Because he's. He's. He's unstoppable. So he. He. He fell off that cliff or whatever the it was. Right. You heard about this? Yeah.

What happened to him?

I just talked to him in Vegas. So he went and went and saw him, and I said, how you doing? He goes, you know, I said, you could still see like a. You know, it was a little bit of bruising because it was about two weeks after he had had the fall.

Oh, Jesus. He was out and about two weeks later.

What do you mean? He did the show that night? What? Yes, he fell.

Did he get a concussion?

He said. He said. He says he's. There was a, you know, golden corral next to the, you know, La Quinta. I said. First thing I said to him, I said, are you okay? I said, my question. What the fuck? Are you staying at La Quinta? And he goes, ah, you know, we all can't outstate the fourth E. I said, said, no, but really, what happened?

He said, I didn't spend any of this money.

He walked out of the La Quinta and he. It was a little hill, like, not even like a hill.

He went hiking. He went hiking with, like, slippery shoes on, probably.

He said, the Golden Crown.

He's probably wearing dress shoes.

I'm gonna go, right. And his denim. And so he went. He just. It looked. It was a little deeper than he thought, and he slipped, fell, and Hit his eye, you know, right in the thing where it's bad. So he. He went into, got his golden corral thanking a thing, went, got his food, went to the club and went on stage bleeding.

That's so crazy.

And I said, what do you mean? I said, what do you said? What do you mean?

The show must go on.

I just held the mic with his hand. So how about married guy? That married guy in the crowd. And I'm like, it's just amazing to me. He tripped my nail. I'd cancel.

He told this insane shit show, insane story, rather of a show that he have had to do with a priest and a mob guy, where the mob guy was yelling at the priest and swearing. And Jay's like, yelling and swearing, like doing the same, like saying what the mob guy said. I was like seeing Jay Leno talk like that was like, what?

Right? You can't see him say, dang, dang dang it.

What think do you to do?

That's crazy.

Oh, yeah. He was doing this like super hyper, violent Italian mob guy, like screaming obscenities at this priest and Jay Leno's yelling it out. It's a amazing story.

It was at a show.

Yeah, it was a show that he was doing, like, you know, before he made it. It was like back in the day he did some sort of a show where, you know, I think it was like a benefit or something like that where there was a priest involved. And then the mob guy got mad at the priest who was yelling at him. It's hilarious story, but that guy doesn't spend any of his Tonight show money.

Yeah.

He lives all entirely off his standup.

Money, which is crazy. Right?

So he's just stockpiling it all at the Lanta Inn.

Lanta. That's right.

Someone needs to tell him, like, money's fun coupons. You shouldn't be just scrolling it over.

Have fun with them. Have fun with them.

But people that started out poor, which is like basically most companies, comics, once you start making money, it's hard to believe that you're ever going to keep making money. You start panicking, you know, they're going, oh, my God, I gotta save this. Yeah, I gotta save it.

Yep.

And then if you carry that into your 70s and 80s, somebody should sit you down and have a talk with you. Like, yeah, I'm your financial advisor and now's the time to go crazy.

Yeah, you're good.

You should be looking into cocaine. You should probably buy more cars. Like, let's spend something as your final.

I think you should start spending as you're adv. Let's get you in a nice car.

Yeah, let's do something. You need to start buying stuff. You should. You should have way more cars.

That's great. You're right. Certainly.

What are you saving up for, bro?

This is the end times.

This is it.

Because I don't. Yeah. I don't. Family, you know that. It's like, I know a lot of people that have a lot of kids and a lot of that you save up for them. But.

But even them, like giving a ton of money.

Yeah.

Giving kids a ton of money is not necessarily good for them.

No.

Like, if you look historically at people that got trust funds, it's. It's a weird road to go down and not have any ambition or not have to have any ambition. Maybe you do have it, like inherently, but for a lot of them, it's like they don't have to make it. They don't have. And I think that's. Unfortunately, in this society that we live in, that doesn't seem to work. Like, in this society, it's very difficult to not be self sustainable, not be able to take care of yourself. And if you can't take care of yourself, you got to kind of learn how to do it. You can't just be constantly relying on other people. Because I think it hinders your growth as a person.

Absolutely.

You know what I mean? I think it like, with you, like every guy that I've ever met that comes from a family that like gives them. Not every guy, but a lot of guys that I've met that come. I've met some cool ones. They come from a family with a lot of money and they've never had to worry. And they have trust funds and they never really have had a job. They're all weird.

Yep, they're all weird.

It's like cement that didn't get the amount of water that it needs. When you're mixing, it's always like weird.

Yeah, it seems like weird. I know too. Every comic artist, whatever, everyone, they're all. Their stories are the same. That they came from nothing. And that's in. If you think about it, almost every comic and artist I know, they. They weren't. They didn't have money.

Yeah. But it's not mutually exclusive.

No, no.

Right, right. It's not. There are people that have come from great families, great backgrounds, just haven't been funny.

Right.

It's a weird thing, man. Like, talent is an odd thing. Really is. Very weird thing. Like there's certain universal truths. Like you're gonna find more talent probably in, in harder communities. Like you're gonna have better rock and roll in like the, the dingy outskirts of town. Like, those guys are going to be Nirvana, right?

But I love hearing like a Billy Joel story where, where you can relate to it. Like, you know, I started cutting lawns at 8 years old. I'm like, I said I started cutting lawns at 8 years old, you know, literally. And you know, nowadays, no kid, kids don't do anything. And I'm like, yeah, I did that. I, I, I, Billy Jones owned office buildings and I did everything. You know, he was a boxer.

Yeah. Billy Joe was a boxer. Yeah.

I did not know that.

I don't know how many fights that he had. I think he lost.

Are you being funny? Really? Joe was a box.

Billy Joe was a boxer. Yeah.

I did not know that.

Yeah, I think he was good. I think it was pretty good. I mean, I think it was a good amateur level 22 and really?

Gosh, how I didn't know that was.

That professional Golden Gloves, so amateur level, so I didn't know that. Yeah. Legit boxer.

I just know that. How about that? Did not know that. No.

He's a guy whose music changed radically. Like if you go back and listen to Captain Jack, it like from Captain Jack to Uptown Girls, like, oh, oh. You know, right. It's like, you like, it's great music. It was a huge hit, but it's a different vibe. It's like a guy who's in love now and he's got a supermodel for a wife and he's worth a billion dollars.

Yeah.

Was his gritty.

No, absolutely.

I was like, that's a good, that's.

A great, great song. But you're right, you can see, you know, how their, their life changes and their music changes. So like you said, now he's got a, you know, Uptown girl, got money. I gotta, you know.

You ever heard the song Billy the Kid? He's got, he's got some great songs.

Well, the one that, that special I just saw was, was it, Wasn't it Billy the Kid?

Is that the name of that's song? It's a great special.

Was the Entertainer. I thought that was interesting because it was ripping on. Yeah, it was ripping on show business.

Yeah. The B. That is a great song. My parents had that album on vinyl. When I was a kid, I listened to. What year was that?

73.

73, son. I listened to that and I was like, like, this is again this is an archeological dig, you know, like, going to, like, the. The beginnings of certain genres of music and certain kinds of music. And back then, that's how you got it. You heard it on the radio. You went out and bought an album.

Yeah. Looked at it and looked at the artwork. Read the paper.

Yeah.

Weird. But the entertainment was interesting because he. They. The. The record label had asked him to come up with a hit. Huh. You know that.

Oh, that's why he wrote it that way.

No, I don't know. They just. It was just on a. I just watched. I remember exactly how it went down. But he said, yeah, you know, they were. They were saying they're gonna. They need to hit off this album and to make this big hit. So he. He wrote that, and when they played it to them, they're like, you. We're getting rid of you. So they got rid of them. The label dropped him because. Because he's. It's all about that. So they get the money that take all your money and. And where they don't care about you. And I'm like, that's ballsy. Right? They want to hit. And you basically say, how much? You know, like The Luxor says, 20 years. Could you do something special for me? I have this big roast in how horrible the Luxor is and how much they. You know, it just. They're like, what? That is a real album, like a real song. And they were like, no, you're done.

They should have just took it on the chin. Look, the guy became huge after that. We'll see you dumbasses.

You got rid of them. Now they say that.

You got rid of him. He sold a billion albums.

Now, the. Damn.

Yeah, he's got some great. Just the Piano Man.

The Piano man alone. That one song alone is right.

Oh, how about Scenes from an Italian Restaurant?

All right.

Oh, my God, that is a fantastic song. And it's another. It's a story. It's a story of people's lives, you know, and it's. It's relatable. It's like. It's real. It's raw. It's. You know, again, it's like a window into.

Bottle of red. Right? Bottle. No, and I was just to make a joke about that. My show, Bottle of Red and says bottles of white. So apparently, he didn't like red as much as whites. He has plural in the. He said bottle of red. Bottles of white.

Does he say that?

Yeah, and I'm like, oh, he. He must have had. He liked more white wine. And that's How I pick up shit.

Like, are you sure that's the lyrics.

Or did you just say no? I think. I think it's. No, no, I think it of red. Bottles of white. You can now. You got to look it up.

I thought you said a bottle of white. Whatever kind of mood you're into.

Oh, I don't know.

I thought anytime you want.

Maybe I could be wrong.

That is a great song. That's a great song. It's just bottle of whites. You're right. A bottle of whites. Interesting.

See, I knew it was something.

Still a bottle.

It's a bottles of white. Right?

So that's a weird way to write a bottle of whites. It's wine. So it could be multiple kinds of.

White wine in one bottle.

Jamie getting tactical.

I mean, what I'm trying to say.

So blend would. That would be a bottle of white.

So I was onto something there, right? Because I used to sing it and go, why is he saying that?

Isn't that funny that some people don't like their grapes mixed? Don't you dare serve me a blend. Some people don't want to blend. Is that a blend of a cavern animal? Are you high? That serves me a goddamn blend. I don't want to Chardonnay. How weird are people?

I'm gonna give you a little bit of this bird, a little bit of that bird. Okay.

Off to blend people that, like, get super down with wine. I got. I got a buddy who's a wine. Legit wine connoisseur, my buddy Matt. So I. I could call him up out of nowhere. Like, I'd be at a restaurant, and I'd send him a picture of the wine. Wine list, tell me what to get. He looked at it for, like, three seconds, and you're like, this is great. What are you guys eating?

Steak, cake, bread. Get this.

And he would tell you how to do it. But he got scammed. Well, he didn't get scammed, but there was a guy that he was friends with that was a gigantic scammer. And I don't think this guy ever got him. But what this guy was doing was they were all these wine connoisseurs, and this guy was selling really rare wine that was counterfeit. It was fake. So he had infiltrated this thing, this, like, wine group. And he was a con man, and what he was doing was taking a bunch of different wines and mixing them and then trying to sell it as this, like, 1970 Impossible bottle from Bordeaux. And so he would age the paper on the bottles and shit, and they Raided his house. They found empty bottles everywhere. And he was taking labels off of things and copy them and printing them.

And I had that with lube. I do.

You got to get the real stuff. It's hard.

You got to get it from Portrait my house. Jesus Christ.

But this. This document really highlighted in my eyes, at least for some of those people, that it's kind of like all this.

You.

You think you know the difference between.

Right.

Really good old wine. But this guy just tricked you. Yeah, and he tricked a lot of them. Couple guys, he didn't trick. There was one guy in particular, this guy.

The guy is like, this is just gonna say, yeah.

One guy was like, this is true trash. But the other guy was just raving about it all sudden. His opinion. He questioned, like, what? I just thought this was great. I thought it was great. He's like, no, this is terrible.

Terrible.

Like, it was weird.

That's crazy. But what was the wine movie that I. That. That. What was the. The wine.

Well, this was a wine documentary.

No, no. I'm trying to think of the guy who said, no more Merlot. What was that?

Oh, yes, that one.

What was that sideways?

That's right. That's right.

That guy came to my show. That guy came to my show. Show. He's a brilliantly nice, sweet guy.

Oh, that's awesome.

Great guy. Just like in the movie. Just so nice. And he came with Kieran Culkin, Macaulay Culkin's brother.

He's great in succession.

Great. They were filming a Audi commercial or something.

What's that guy's name again?

Yeah, he come back.

He's amazing in everything.

I said, could you. Could you? Would you? No. They want to drink him. Want a drink? And they're like, yeah, I'll take whatever you got. So we have a whole bar. I said, you want to? I said, you want to. You want a Merlot? I'm going to have a Merlot. And just his face, he was so funny. He's like. Like I just said it, but I didn't say. Like. I was trying to be funny. I said, we have this. We have. We have Melo. And he's like. I said, oh, I'm just. He said, no. And then. So we did a video together. I said, trying to think if I find somebody, I could find a sure mother low with. It pans over to him. He's like, not in hell. It was just. It was such a great. He's such a great guy.

They say he was great in that Howard Stern movie.

He was Wasn't he? Yeah. Private Parts. I mean, NBC. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was really good in that. I'm saying it. WNBC. No, DebNBC. Yeah, yeah. He's a good, good guy on top of that, right? Guy Merlot.

Merlot got a bad name after that movie. If I was in the merlot business, I would have been furious.

Yeah.

These. They're Downplay playing Merlot. Well, I always like Merlot. And then all of a sudden, I had a shady opinion of it.

Yeah, well, they did that with me on south park, you know, it said that I was junk. I'm like, in a roundabout way, you know, south park, they were. Do they. Everyone's parodied me and has always been something stupid. Like, it's just amazing. Indian Casino. And it said, like, carrot scalp, you know, Tonight, playing at the show.

Who says that?

It was in, like, Simpsons or Family Guy. Just for joke, Just for jokes.

South park has been around longer than anything ever. That's still good.

Yeah.

Like, how do they do it?

I don't know. Brilliant.

It's just weird that they're still so on top of it. It's. It's. They're so driven to, like, still push the boundaries and make it really funny. And it's been going on since how many years? Like, the first video, I think, was 95 or 96 or something like that. The one that they were passing on around. The VHS one with Brian Boitano.

Yeah.

What year was that? I think it was 95 or 95 or 96. Because I remember people on news radio were passing it around and we were like, what the fuck is this? This is crazy. 95. Yeah. Everybody was passing around. We're like, this is insanity. This is so insane. And I don't think it had a home yet. I don't think it was on Comedy Central yet. First one they made was a 92. Whoa. Which one was that? Which one was that?

Trying to see which.

It says, which is the Brian Boitano. Which would Brian Boitano do? That's what we. Everybody would say. We'd be walking around the news radio set going, what would Brian Boitano do? It's. Jesus is there. And it's just. It's so ridiculous.

That was actually in their first movie. And 99, which. That came quick.

The Brian Boitano thing was.

That was in the movie South Park.

Bigger, longer, uncut.

Really?

So what was the 95? One of the 94 one. So they made fun of Brian Boitano in the spirit of Christmas. So that came out in 99. So I wasn't. That was like the last year of news radio. I don't even know if I have a false memory now.

Know.

Huh? What?

That was the one. That was Jesus for Santa fighting.

That's the night. That's the first one.

Yeah.

There's no Brian Bono in that one.

He says, what would Brian Bono do in that?

But that's not the song.

Isn't until later.

Oh, right. But that's what. When he says it. Okay. I thought it was going crazy.

Hilarious.

Still, I thought I had a fake memory.

Says, yeah. Stan Marsh says to Cartman, what would Brian Botano do as Jesus back. Battle Santa.

That's right. Okay. You had me thinking I was crazy. The song was way bigger than. Right. But the show went where he says it. It was on the show. So that was the ver. I was like, am I losing my fucking mind? Like, no, I know it was on the first one, but it was just so groundbreaking. And what. And the brilliance of it was that you don't have to have it look realistic so you can get away with so much more. Like when. When he stuffs what's her face a his ass. Who did he.

Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton. That right. When he had a slot off and stuffs Paris Hilton up his ass. It's like, you can do that if it doesn't look real.

Right?

Like, if it's like super realistic and 3D, you can't do that. It has to look like South Park.

Yeah.

They can get away with so much. They can kill kids. They kill Kenny every week. Nobody complains.

Yep.

Poor dies every week. Imagine if this is like a graphic 3D video, you know, that looks hyper realistic. You can do it. It has to look like complete nonsense. And then we'll let you get away with almost everything.

That's probably how they sold it. That way.

Well, if you think about it, they.

Bought it that way.

There's like, levels of realism that will. Will allow you to get away with more if it's like, less realistic. Right, Right. Like, that's why we used to allow, like, Roadrunner, like, and, you know, Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner would, like, drop dynamite on them. Happening. He was always getting up. That was okay because it was cartoons.

Right?

Right. But you couldn't have blood. Like, blood all over the place. But if you make them look so goofy that they're. Their head's just a big circle and they have, like a little stick on, then you get blood all over the place and nobody complains.

Exactly.

Weird, right? It's kind of weird. It's like the less realistic. But we know what it is. They killed a kid. We're like, well, you killed 10 of you bastards. And no one has a problem with it, which is because it's unrealistic. It's kind of weird, right?

I think it's exactly how you put it. It's kind of unrealistic. It's a perfect cheat code.

It makes everything more funny because you never feel guilty laughing, no matter what. When Cartman was in bed with Saddam Hussein, or when Satan, rather, was in bed. There's just so many scenes where you're like, there's no way to do this unless you have cartoons. It's brilliant because you wouldn't never be able to get a away with it. No, like the one when they skirted around drawing Muhammad. They kind of skirted around. They never drew him. They, like drew that. There was this Lego. There's a truck. He's inside the truck in a bear suit.

Yeah.

You can do things in cartoons that you just can't do in any other realm. It's. It's a perfect medium for comedy. And you can keep the kids young forever.

Right.

You know, they're always going to be in high school. Like, nobody questions the fact they've been in high school for 40 years, right?

No, it's just. Just down.

It's just they're in high school. That's how it goes.

That's true.

They don't have to grow up. Shut the up. Why are they gonna. Why do they have to grow up?

See, if they made. Now, what if they did make a cartoon where they aged? Aren't they funny? They're like, God damn. No, but you want to see where they always look good.

It'll be sad. That would be a loser in a trailer park. It's fun when he's the way he is now and he's like a little kid I like, you know, throwing hissy fits. It's fun because he's still a little kid. You know, you don't want to. There's certain people. You don't want to see him when they get full grown or when they're over the other side of it.

Right.

When things. The wheels start falling off.

Yeah. You know, that's what I mean, though, for the special, their end episode, they should do it.

Yes.

When it's all done. This is the final. They're all aged and they didn't have the voice quite still.

What they should do is do a 3D. Like. Like hyper realistic version of the show. Like, just do it all through AI.

Yeah.

For the last episode. And just have it the most violent most and see how people deal. This is exactly what we've been showing you 40 years.

That will be it.

They wouldn't be allowed to.

Coffee?

Yeah, have some.

Daddy like coffee. Oh, thanks. Thank you.

Cheers, sir.

All right. Cheers to you, Bob Bomb. Thank you for having me.

My pleasure. I'm looking forward to seeing Young Chill Tony too. That's going to be really fun.

Yeah, that's fun. I, you know, last time, I'd done my last time, I did it once.

Did you do it at the club or did you do it at the club? At the club. Nice.

Yeah, it was fun and it was loud and intimate and. And the. It was just, you know, I told him before I did, I said, I'm not into critiquing people because I've been shit on my whole career. I don't want to. I don't want to tell these comments what they're doing right or wrong coming from me, really. He said, no, no, that's not how it works. You just play. You just be. You just be yourself. And it was great because I could just, you know, if there was something specific that I thought was kind of wrong or off, I could say it in a, you know, very nice way. But most of them were. They're good. This guy's come out and they got their minutes. They pop them out, you know, of course, you see a couple, right? You know, the first 10 seconds in, you're like, okay, it's already not funny. You know, whether or. They're just so nervous. They're just. You can see the mic shaking, you know. But some would have really quality written jokes.

Oh, yeah, There's a lot of fun.

Really, really out there.

And there's also. Because of Kill Tony, people realize that if they can put together a minute, it can change their whole fucking life. Yeah, your whole fucking life. Look at Cam Patterson just got on Saturday Night Live.

Yeah.

I mean, look at these guys. They're killing.

Unbelievable.

William Montgomery's killing it. You know, there was a couple there.

Out that night that they were really good.

Yeah.

And I think Tony tapped me onto the chair at one point. His next guy, you know, he came out and I was like, holy shit. He was solid.

Yeah.

Ari Martin.

There's a lot of these guys that do that show. They do one minute and then they go, we'd love to have you back. And then they come back, they do another minute. The crowd remembers Them from the other old show, all of a sudden they have like 25, 000 Instagram followers. Then it's a hundred, then it's 150. Like this. Things start rolling. It's like, oh, you have a real pathway. If you work hard, if you really focus and really just really dial it in, really work on your material, really working. Do as many sets around town as you can, you might be able to do this for a living. And if you can, it's the greatest job in the world.

Him. So there's already a couple that I've been watching. They are there.

There's more now than ever before. It used to be it was like there was a bunch of like bad people. And every now and then someone would come on with promise. Now it seems to me to be more slanted towards people that are. Yeah, it's like a high level or high percentage rather of people than I.

Thought I was there. They were really good.

Yeah, a lot of them really good. And it's again, there's a pathway.

And there was one that came out and I said. And it was kind of funny how he. The microphone was up high because the guy before him was like 6, 5 or something. This guy comes out, he's like 4ft. So it's already funny because they bring him out and he goes to grab the mic and he takes it and puts it behind him and takes the mic and goes into his bed. And I'm like, so gal done. He said, he's how? I said, that was great. I said, the only thing I would have done in the beginning, you already had a laugh. The microphone was, you know, so reference it. At least reference it. Don't, you know, to do a thing. He said, he goes, yeah, well, that, that'd be a prop. And I said, no, it's already a prop. It's not. You didn't bring it, you didn't make it. It's there. It's a prop that's usable. Every comic uses it for the, you know, everything from a guitar, Right?

Sure.

Change on the beach. Every comic has done that. Everybody. So I said, no, no, no, you don't have to make a prop joke. I said, just reference it. You should at least referenced it like, like this is already not going well. Something. And because the crowd was waiting for something and he didn't do it. And then after the show he said, I'm going to use that. That's good. I said, well, you have to follow a tall guy every time for it to work.

Yeah, don't set the microphone really high. For my first.

It only worked because it was improv. It happened.

Right?

And then he goes. And I told him that. I said, you don't. Don't. It happens. You don't want to have it set that way. Right. And it's dumb.

Well, I think for some people, they don't know how to start, you know, and they're doing something like that. And it's the.

Well, the starting is hard for everybody.

It's not just that. It's like this overwhelming anxiety. You have one minute and you can't believe you're on a stage in front of this. Like, a lot of them, it's their first show. Some of them, first show, Madison Square Garden.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Imagine first time on stage. No, no.

Madison Square Garden and your bombing.

Oh, man, I didn't know. So they do it. They do that same with the Madison Square Garden. Uh, hu.

And it's a hundred percent random. People have tried to get people on, and Tony won't do it. He's like, no, no, no, that's not how it works. No, what we do is we. Everybody just signs up and I reach into that bucket and I pull out names, and you can't rig it. You can't rig it. And so.

Well, I knew that part of it, but I didn't know they did it in Madison Square Garden.

They do it that way everywhere in Master Square. Well, one thing they do in Madison Square Garden is they have like a legendary bucket. So they have a bunch of people backstage, like Jim Norton, you know, Big Jay Okerson. A lot. A lot of people did it when I was there, David tell. And then they pull it out, and then David Tell, come up and do a minute of stand up, and everybody goes crazy or do five minutes or whatever. But he. He makes it so that even if someone is terrible for the first time, it's only a minute. And then you have Shane Gillis and whoever else is next to him making fun of it for, you know, the next 15, 20 minutes. It's gonna be hilarious. And it's also, you get to see like, oh, this is a crazy thing to do. Like this. This idea. You're just gonna stand up in front of people and talk and hopefully it'll be entertaining.

Yeah, right.

And sometimes it just goes horribly wrong. And everybody's like, boo. You're like, yeah.

Oh, God. Yeah. I know. They're not always there. Everyone was pretty cordial, but. But I could see it going, bro.

Those New Yorkers don't around, man. If bombing a little bit. They smell blood.

Yeah, no, I did. I did a. My very first time ever in New York City was at Catch a Rising Star. It was, you know, old. Old. Old school club. I go there and I had. It was like. It was pouring down rain or snowing, sleety snow. Rain. I remember I took my trunk in a taxi, and I. I never been to New York City in a club. And I go in. There's like eight people, and. Oh. And so the guy's like, you know, what do you bring me up? I. I wheel my. Up. I go. But I don't. It's not even bombing. It's worse than bombing. It's just like. Never have nothing from a laugh. Nothing. Really? Yeah. And I'm doing, like, my a. You know, literally, I promise. God. I mean, I've got, like, you know, the ice tray with a level so you don't put. You know, and it kills everywhere, you know, nothing, nothing. And I just go, all right. I. So I think my opening line was, I have more props and people, which I did. So I think that got a little lap, but not even right. So, gee, I've got more props than people here.

Nothing I get done. I. I don't even know what to do. I'm shaking so bad. And it said, just. Just. Just. There was no comic, so I just went, all right, enjoy the next comic. And I put the guy. I own my own mic on a thing, because I had that. Anyway, I'm like, just tearful, walking. I just didn't. I was gonna leave this. I'm gonna get out of business, right? Am I gonna go into comedy? This guy walks by, he goes. He goes, no, leave your there. It's good. And he goes up and he, like, you said, murders, you know, just absolutely murders eight people. It was like a stadium of people laughing. And I'm like, watching this. I'm like, holy. It was Dennis Leary. And he. I mean, leveled eight people. I couldn't believe it. And I walked off. And he walked off and he said, hey, man. I said, that was unbelievable. He goes, no, that. That. Your shit's amazing. But the thing with the. He was serious. He said that. Whatever. The, you know, cowboy boot with the kickstand. That's great. Whatever it was I was doing. And I'm like, was he, like, with me because I ate and he was, no, but I've never gotten to tell him that.

Again, if Dennis Leary watches this show, that was the most coolest thing a comic ever did to me. Just gave me a Big hug said they, you were great. They, that crowd sucked. I said, the crowd didn't suck. You just murdered them. They didn't like me.

Well, it's a small.

He said you were great. You were eight people.

You're bombing in front of eight people.

Yeah, it's pretty easy.

But it was in front of eight people.

It was horrible.

It happens. That was one of the great things about the store, is that you would get those eight people crowd. Sometimes. The early days of the store, you would go up. You know, if you got like 11:30 spot on Tuesday night, you might go up in front of eight people. That can happen.

Yeah.

Because you probably won't really get on at 11:30 because a bunch of people stop in and do sets. So by the time you get up, it's probably like, closer to one, you.

Know, I've been there.

Yeah, but those shows show you what's. They show you. There's something about a small crowd shows you what. What you're saying is nonsense. You know, like, sometimes you have to, like, figure it out. You have to. And the brutal thing about comedy is you kind of really have to figure it out in front of people with the openness of failing.

Right.

Like, here's the thing. It's like one of the things about jiu jitsu. When you learn jiu jitsu, it's really important to not be afraid to tap. Because if you can just open your game up and not be afraid to tap and tap, you can learn more. Because you. You don't do it tense and you do it more playfully, and it doesn't mean as much to you when you get tapped. It sounds totally counterintuitive, but if you can just relax and not use your ego, not try to win every session, just try to figure out why you're getting caught and figure out how to avoid it and. But don't be worried about tapping. Just tap, tap whenever you. You get caught and then just let your ego deal with it and then learn and move on. But you have to experience that. You have to get tapped. You have to get dominated. Like, you have to figure out, like, what's good and what's bad. And I think that's the same thing, kind of. There's an element of that in comedy, too. You got to, like, possibly fail with this idea. Like, I'm going to throw this out.

I have. This is half cooked. This is a weird idea that I have.

Have.

I'm like, am I crazy? Like, do you think, is this where we're going as a society? Is this where we're going as human beings and there's something there and I'm trying to find it. Yeah, but I gotta risk not finding it. That's the only way you find it. Because there's writing on stage that you only get you. There's certain lines that only come to you when you're willing to step out on stage. But you gotta. You might bomb, you might eat, you might have to transfer out of that. Like, it's like you have to. It's a balancing act. You might. This bit might not work at all. And then you might have to immediately figure out how to segue into something guaranteed. So you get them back.

Oh yeah, I do the same. Absolutely. But I, I. All my. I think is full cooked. I think I'm out there that this is good. This has been marinating for a while. And then when eat, you're like, fuck, yeah. No, it's a good bit. Damn it. For me it's or one night it works right? And then the next night. I just did a joke last night that they killed the night before. Nothing. Crickets. I'm like, what was the same?

Do you say it the same way? Do you record yourself?

Yeah, I never listened to it though.

Yeah, but that's the thing.

I said it a little differently.

I up before. What I didn't realize I up and I said something wrong and I didn't realize I said it wrong until I listened to the recording. I'm like, oh, I couldn't because I'll words up sometimes and just like, I talk too much, you know, I really do. I talk way, way too much. So my brain is just like on autopilot talking sometimes and well, I know.

It'S different if I, if I don't say it right. I'm saying if I say it the same one night, it gets a great laugh some, next I doesn't. I'm like, I don't. I didn't do anything different.

Yeah, but I mean, what I'm saying is like, you, you, you got to listen to it. You got to listen to it to really hear. Because there's a lot of times where you'll say something just slightly different. And that's slightly different. Different makes all the.

Well, but then I had one. This is one last. It's a brand new joke. There's a big billboard in Vegas and it's for the Sahara pool. And it's got this beautiful woman on it, this big, beautiful hot chick. And it says, meet me at the pool. So I put it up on the big screen, I said, this is my favorite billboard. Look at this. Look at Meet me at the pools hot girl. And I said, then you get there, and it changes to a big gay pool party was like 75,000 thousand dudes in a. It's a great picture. So I did it last night. Got a laugh. But not like, should have gotten more. Because it's like. Then you get there and they're like, ava. Is anyone. Ava? Have you seen. You know, she was here earlier. She's probably buried under all that or something. Last night just killed. I mean, almost for a minute. They're still laughing and applauding. I'm like, I did. I didn't do anything different. It was just the mood of that audience.

That does happen, too. Maybe it was like, you were doing better before that, so you had more momentum.

Maybe. Yeah, I never. I'm just. I don't have any momentum.

I've seen your show. Your show in Luxor was really fun.

Okay.

I saw it. God, it's been. It's been a few years. I gotta check it. Check it out now. But I've had a bunch of my friends come to Vegas and see your show.

It's fun. Thank you. On Tuesdays, I do it in Spanish. It's actually.

Oh, do you really? You speak Spanish?

How dare you? Son of a bitch, though. To do a top Tuesday nights in Spanish night. I like.

Hey, it's an audio Tom Segura who looks totally white, speaks fluent Spanish, and does stand up in Spanish.

Yeah.

So he'll do.

I'm gonna see him. I'm gonna see him.

How many dates did he do where he did? You're gonna do your mom's house.

Yeah.

Do his podcast. Awesome. Or two bears, one cave. Which one are you doing?

I'm doing with his wife.

Oh. Oh, yeah. That's your mom's house.

Yeah.

They're both real fun. Bird is.

I love birds and birds.

A great example like this. Bert's a great example of what we were talking about. One time we were at the improv, and Bert did this joke, this new joke. The first set, it fucking killed. And the second set, it didn't do nearly as well, and he was confused. And I had seen both sets, and I said, oh, no, it's because in the first set, you said, like, he was at the. Excuse me. He was at the supermarket. Is already on his back special or something. I wouldn't say it was like he was at the supermarket and he was standing there talking to his wife. He's like, God, it's so cold in here. And she looks at him and she goes, you are so fat. And he's like, what? She goes, your dick is hanging out. Like, he didn't realize that his fly was open. He goes, raw dog. Everywhere he goes, raw dog. He's got no underwear on and his zipper undone. It's like. But the joke was the way it was. Like she had said it that way, right? Like, you are so fat you can't see your dick. The first show, he nailed it.

He nailed the cadence. And the second show, like, something was off and he forgot to say one part of it. And I had remembered it from the first show. It's weird, you know, you gotta listen. You gotta listen because it's painful. You hate listening to your own voice. It's gross. You. You already know the jokes.

You're like, shut up.

I'm so tired of listening to you talk. But you have to listen to it because if you don't, you're not gonna, like, you're not gonna figure out how to do it the best way you can.

Well, I think. No, I think that's a great. I just.

But there's a lot of people funnier than me that don't do it that.

Way ever want to see my. Myself again.

Yeah, everybody's got their own process now.

You know, this whole.

I know some guys who are really funny that don't record any of their shows, and they don't write at all. They just go up a lot and they have ideas and they work them out on stage and they're really, really funny.

Yeah, I. I am kind of in that. My. More my stand up than the prop shit I build. But the stand up, I kind of just. I have, like a little bullet point. I don't write it out.

When you do prop stuff, like, how do you even come up with ideas? Like, what do you do? Do you, like, sit down with, like, a white whiteboard and go, what can we do?

No, I never written. I've never sat down and said, I'm gonna write today.

So how do the gags, like, come?

They come just like a lot of, Like a lot of them happen by just in a conversation or a story or something. Sometimes I'll see a prop and I'll. Or a prop, meaning it's not a prop yet, it's just a thing. Toilet seat. Or I'll see a thing and I'll go, there's something funny about that, you know? And I think about it and I go, oh, there was. I was at A Home Depot. I mean, I made this, like, yesterday. I haven't even done it. I've never even tried this yet. I'm gonna do it on Tony tonight. I never done it ever. But I think it's funny. Guys get drunk and they punch walls all the time, right? Because my friend. I had a friend backstage. I said, what happened to your hand? He's like, oh, yeah?

Fuck.

I said, what'd you do? He's like, I punched a wall. Wall. I said, you punched a wall? I'm like, give the. And I just thought. I said, you. I thought, this should be a stud finder. Like, because he hit us. So I said, this should be a beer with a stud finder so you can find it right before you're drunk. You and you. Yeah. So I made it so it looks incredible, but it's so. It's so silly, but it's. It's. It will be a crowd pleaser because.

It goes beep, beep, beep.

And. Yeah, you. You. You wait.

Yeah.

You have to hesitate to.

You can your hand up, but.

So that sometimes they're that way. Sometimes I just. It'll come to me. I don't know. I had a. I was watching a cartoon, I think, years ago. There was a. There was these paper cups and string in the telephone. And they were in a. In a. In a tree. Hi, Susie. And she said, what's going on, Bobby? And I'm watching it, and I'm like, this is an old version of the cups. We need a new version, right? Because that's just two cups. So I said, we have to have another cup that comes out for call waiting. And it was like. That was my free bird. I mean, I did that. I came up with. It was my closing bit. You know, I'd hold someone in the front row. What's your name? They go, hey. I'd say, you seem so close. You know, the strings. And she's holding it and what's your name? And she'd say, her name. I say, hold on, have another call. Hello? I gotta call you back. I'm talking to whoever she was, Tracy. And it would just murder because no one would expect, you know, call waiting to come out. But it was, you know, right when call waiting came out.

So you had a second cup.

And then I had three cups for conference calling that came out of that. So it was like, boom, boom, conference calling. Then I'd throw it. I'd say, call forwarding, and I throw it. And then I had a clear cup that was for caller id. I said, I know you're there. Pick up. I can see you. So it was like. It was like a bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. You know, really good prop that turned into, like a. Like a routine.

It would be funny if you tried to say those things today. People be like, what?

No, no, no, that's fine. No, that's a. That's not that long ago. That's a carrot classic. I call them ones that are like, you know, I do that. I do things sometimes in the show where I do carrot classics.

Yeah.

I said, this is stuff for people that grew up with me in the 90s. This is. You'll remember some of these. And I do like the ice tray that has a level, and it's great. The biggest laugh comes when I go. Half the crowd doesn't know what a ice tray is. I mean, that gets the biggest laugh because no one has an ice tray. But the thing's still funny. They're like, oh, that's. I get this. Clever.

Don't people still have ice trays?

Well, if you live in a. Yeah, if you live in, like, a trailer.

No, regular house.

Like, ice tray.

Yeah. Where you.

Well, they might. Well, they make new ones now with the big cube ones.

Yeah. If you don't want an ice machine in your freezer thing, well, you can just.

So maybe that joke's still relevant. It's normal.

I think it's. I have ice trays.

I have ice trays, too.

I use them sometimes, I think.

But see, when you're gonna. When you go put it back in, you gotta leave it.

Yeah. But there's certain things that people just. Like pagers. Make a pager joke today. Like, what?

That's great. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I remember when I. I. Technological jokes. Like, if you think about, like, jokes about technology, when you date them, it's so weird. I used to have a joke about texting. I'm like, why are you making me read? I'm like, call me. You're on a phone. It's the best way to communicate. Communicate.

Yeah.

Call me. Like, why are you making me read? This is so weird. I'm like, it takes you four presses to get an S. Because that was back when people sent you a text message.

Right. Which you had. Yeah, I know.

A flip phone, rather.

Yeah. We had to make a 7 upside down on a pager. Hello.

It was the most annoying people that would want.

That's so great. Why are you making. Why are we doing this so dumb?

And I would just call him back. You couldn't text Joey Diaz, he would yell at you. It would fucking. He'll text you now. But, dude, for like seven, eight years, Joey would fucking and yell at you. Joey was the last one to get a cell phone. He had a pager.

I was the last one to get a phone too. I didn't get one.

Joey had a pager until like the year 2000.

That's great. I was a little more than that.

He kept that pager forever, man. And you'd have to. You have to call his pager.

That's great.

He was a wild boy. He was fun. He was just such a fun dude. But he. If you call. If you did not call him, he would get angry. He goes, I'm insecure. I want to hear your voice. Why you leaving text messages? Making me text you like a little girl. What are you doing? Him and Red Band would get into it because Red Band loves texting. So Red Band was like one of the first guys to text. He would text you back in there days.

Yeah.

You know when you depress it four times to get an S?

It's crazy.

And then I remember people got those. Those sidekicks. You remember you're the coolest sidekick because he had a keyboard. Remember that? And some of their sidekicks got hacked.

Right.

Didn't. Like Paris Hilton again. Didn't some cooter pictures pop up because her sidekick got hacked? Something along those lines like that?

It was something. Yeah, it's probably from that.

Or something happened where people, like stole their sidekicks and got. Something happened. Wasn't there something about that, Some sort of a privacy concern with the sidekicks back in the day? I mean, I don't know about.

A.

Group that claimed they broke a nurse or sidekick. Yeah, yeah. There's also. There was like strategic releases of stuff back then. Like when they would accidentally have a photographer looking at their vaginas.

They got out of a car.

You don't notice that photographer on his knees with a camera pointing up.

Hilarious.

That's so crazy. Nobody has a camera pointing.

Weird.

Yeah. Like, come on. That guy would go to jail. That's probably illegal.

Probably illegal.

And meanwhile, you. You don't have any underwear on. That seems crazy. Like, why. Why do they have pictures of your pussy on the Internet?

On purpose.

You do that on purpose. You did, but it's really. It's smart.

Yeah.

I mean, if you want to market yourself and just get more popular so more people know your name, it works, right? We're talking about them right now. Yeah, but that was like a brief moment. People don't remember Pussy Gate because there was a time where these high level celebrity type people were accidentally showing their pussy.

Yep.

Whoopsies, here's my pussy. Just out there in the breeze. Just nothing but a curtain. So weird over raw pussy out there in the wild at clubs, at fucking award shows. Wild pussy.

I never say that word on stage ever.

Yeah, because of Prince. Out of respect for Prince.

Right? No, I just never have. And I think it was last night. No, not last night. Not for last. I don't know what was. The crowd was just. I don't know, they were crazy and I don't know, someone yelled something out and I. I said, wait, I got. No. I said, I'm gonna just do. I did a horrible pro. It was a. It was a Bud Light bottle, you know. You know, like one of those metal ones that I had these, these legs put on it like that. I said, and it's hilarious looking. I said, I made a Bud Light so guys will drink it again. You know, it's just. And the guys, the guy was like. Someone yelled, I don't get it. I said, it's like, how do you not get the joke? It's two legs spread. The beer goes like this and the legs go. I said, see, you're eating. And it was just like. The crowd was like, carrot Top can't say, like, what? They just didn't. I said, no, it's okay. I said, put. No, no, no.

Are there kids in the crowd?

Don't say it again. No, no, no, don't say it again. No, they could. I said, no, don't. No, no. They're thinking, don't say it again. I said, no, pussy. You can say it. But I said, now that I've said that though, we've topped it. I mean, right? You can't top once you say pussy. You can't top it. So they're like, oh, they laughed. I'm like, you know now fucks nothing. I said, buzzy. So we've reached the plateau of raunchy at the show. Carrot Top show. Because. Yeah, it's more silly. I mean, there's an edge.

But do you.

There's an edge to it.

But you swear whenever you feel like it?

Yeah, you just. Yeah, I don't need to. But I do it for some parts. I don't need to. No. But I never say. Buzzing.

Fun. Swearing's fun. People that don't want you to swear. That. That always makes me. That was like the Bill Cosby thing. He was always angry at people swearing.

Yeah, I remember that Richard. Richard.

Eddie Murphy.

Eddie Murphy.

That's one of the greatest bits.

He says, laugh. Yeah. You get paid.

Tell Bill to have a coconut smile and shut the up. Because you can hear it in Prior's voice.

No, yeah. You know, great. That's. Yeah. He. Brilliant, right? Oh, my God. Just. Just brilliant.

Oh, my God. My parents took me to see him live in the Sunset Strip when it was in the movie theater. I was like 15, 16 years old.

Great.

It was incredible. I couldn't believe how funny it was. I will never forget this. It was the first moment where I realized, like, what stand up can do. Because this guy was on stage and just talking. It was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my life, ever.

Yeah.

I thought about all the movies that I had seen that were really funny movies, and I was like, there's nothing that's this funny and this guy's just talking.

Yeah.

I was looking around the theater. I'll never forget this, man. And there was people just going like this. Just throwing their body up and down while they're laughing. Holding their body, like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dying, laughing. I was like, this is incredible. He's just talking. It's incredible how funny this is.

Yeah. He was. That's a groundbreaking special.

Yeah. When you're 15, you're like, no way.

Yeah. And you're right. And seeing people, like you said, physically laughing, like, falling down, you don't see.

That often dying, like, they couldn't handle it.

Like I did. I opened for Steve Harvey one time in Birmingham, Alabama, and I get there, I set up all my stuff, and I'd never met him. This is years and years ago. I had, like, a trunk, you know, I didn't have. I had like 30 props, and a third of them were really good. You know, I've kind of just opened. I get there and I do. I do the first thing and. Oh, And Steve says to me, hey, you know, you ever worked a black crowd? I was like, no, like, all black crowd. I said, no, I'm just performing in front of black people. He said, no, no, all black crowd. I said, will it be all black? He said, oh, yeah, all black crowd. I didn't know they would go one way or the other. He just said, if they stand up and they start going like, they're not leaving, they're standing up for when they laugh. I was like, anyway, I go out there and I. I do okay for a bit. Then I did one. I don't know what it was, but they all Got up and they were like. It looked like they were leaving, but they were.

That's. That's how they. They were. Like you said they were just rejoicing and they're like, ah. And I just. I never. I couldn't believe it. I. I came off and he's like, nice. Nice set. And I'm like, that was so much fun. They were so into the show. And I said, I don't know how he's going to follow that, because I did really sort of got. I did really good. I really digress. I thought to myself, he's not gonna, you know, that. That guy, you know. Well, Steve is.

Sure.

I know it was his crowd. But paint was peeling off the club. It was so loud. It was so piercing loud in there. And that's another gun. I thought, I'm not in comedy. Whatever. I'm in. I'm not in that.

When he did things of comedy with Bernie Mac, that was like, Bernie Mac in his prime.

Bernie Mac. Brilliant. Oh, my God, Bernie Mac.

So funny. He was so powerful on stage. Just like sometimes you see someone performing just like.

Yeah. Everything. His eyes alone, just his punch lines, charisma. Yeah, pop. Yep.

Yeah, pop. He just was funny. There's some dudes that just know how to just hit it just right.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah. He was that way.

Oh, my God, it was so funny. I mean, that whole era tour, that's kind of interesting that no one's done that since. Right. There's been, like, the Kings of Comedy and then there's Blue Collar.

Right.

There haven't been really a lot of those movie tours like that.

There hasn't been because they were tours.

And then they made films.

Right, Right.

Kings of Comedy. How many films did they make? They made at least one, right?

Yeah. How many Kings of Comedy comedy specials.

Did Kings of Comedy make? So then Blue Collar did a couple. Right? Two or. How many did they do?

You mean actual specials? Yeah, but they toured like crazy.

Like crazy. But they did specials and they all went on to tour, too. Yeah, but this hasn't been like one.

Yeah, there hasn't been. Right.

No. Interesting. It's funny. But it's also like, everybody's already touring. This is like. There's more people doing arenas now than.

I think have ever.

Ever.

I mean, not even. It's unbelievable.

It's weird. It's.

But it's what we're talking to my show about a month ago.

Jo Koy's killing it.

He's always doing. He just said to me, he was just backstage with his family. And he said. Just casually, he said. He said, what are you doing? What are you doing on, you know, February or something? I said, mom, I'm probably working. He goes, ah, since have you come, Sofi? Because I'm like, oh, what's going on at Sofi? He's like, me?

Yeah.

I said, you. What are you going to do there for? He's like, me, like, to perform. I just. It just blew me away. I'm like, you're playing Sofi?

He's like, yeah, he's been doing a really.

Yeah, it's already sold out.

Yeah.

I'm like, he's. And he's so casual. Yeah. Come to Sofi. Like, he's gonna go see the Stones. He's like, no, I'm going to see me.

I mean, Nate Bargazi is another one like that. He's doing arenas everywhere. And he's just super normal casual.

Yeah.

Hang out with him.

This is a stadium. Football stadium.

Which one's doing the football stadium?

Jo Koy and Gabriel. Yeah.

Oh, that's a great one, two combination. Yeah, that's a great one too. Yeah. You can't go wrong. Fluffy does LA by himself, right? Doesn't he do the Dodger Stadium by himself? Yeah.

Insane.

Insane. Yeah. Fluffy is a giant following. I remember when we were at the Ice House, he had the record for the most amount of shows sold out in a row. And, like, they had a plaque on the wall there. Look at these guys. Holy Sofi Stadium. God damn.

Jesus.

That's nuts. Yeah, man. They're killing it.

I'll be playing crackers on.

Shane Gillis is killing it like that. Tony's killing it like that. It's pretty.

The Notre Dame stadium last night. Who did?

Shane Ryan at Notre Dame. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's incredible. That's incredible. Incredible. Holy.

Whoo.

It's fun time. Fun time for comedy. Bert's doing giant places. Sagura is doing giant places. It's really wild. It's wild to see.

Yeah. I'm going to meet him on Monday.

Which one?

Tuesday.

Which one? Tom. Oh, you never met him?

I don't think so. Oh, I don't think so.

You'll love him.

I don't know if I think I've met him or not. I don't know, but he's like £187.

Pounds now.

Oh, really?

Dude, he was at the Con, the club. Did you see him?

I can just tell from the photos. He looks so skinny.

Dude, he looks great. He looks great. He was at the club the other night. I'm like, dude, you look great. I go, what do you weigh? He goes, 187. He has been 187 since he was, like, in high school.

Wow. Good for him.

Yeah, but he's, like, healthy. He's not like, Ozempic.

That had a good joke. Gaffigan. He. He makes me laugh. He said, I want my meet and greet. And my fan said to me, oh, you look. You look. Are you okay? And I get that. I'm okay. Yeah. You okay? He says, yeah, I'm fine. Why? He says, you look sick. He's like, no, I. No, I just lost weight. And she goes, oh, zempic. He goes, no, not Ozempic. I'm on the other one. But it's like, if you have muscles, you're on steroids. If you're skinny, you're on Ozempic. Can anyone be happy with anybody just looking good?

You know? No one. No one's happy with how you look good.

What are you on? No, I'm not. Nothing.

The only time you're going to find people that are happy when you're doing good is if they're doing good. So if they're doing good, then they get to say, hey, you're looking great. You're looking great. Because they don't. They don't feel threatened.

Yeah, you look good.

So some people do. They feel threatened by other people doing well, and so they. They don't. They want Oz. Epic.

Yeah.

You know that.

I mean, I would die if I took a fucking way.

That guy has the willpower.

Lose that way, right? Yeah.

He's a p. They feel better. They feel better about themselves.

Yeah.

Because their life sucks.

Interesting. Yeah.

That's a lot of people. That's a giant chunk of the population. That's why you got to find that.

I hear my friends, Damn. Like, look at her. Yeah. She's got to be. I said, maybe she's just taking care of herself. Maybe she's doing. She's eating apples and doing yoga. Yeah.

Also, some people, it's really going to help them. You know, if you're £600, that's probably a good idea. And what my friend was telling me, my friend Brigham was telling me, who actually runs a pharmacy, he's like, the issue is the dosage, first of all, that people are getting these enormous doses and, you know, variable by body weight, they should probably be getting a much lower dose. And he's saying they're showing now that if you mix it with certain peptides, I think it was IGF1. Is that what he said? I think he said IGF1, that if you mix it with certain peptides, it eliminates the muscle loss and the bone loss. And so what you do is if you get on one of these things, if you're overweight, you're really struggling and you just need something to just get you back to on track. The idea is that you could get on this and then use it as like a kickstart to a healthy lifestyle. Okay, now you've dropped 30 pounds, you feel much better, right? Okay, you've been eating really good, right? Now let's get off this fucking nonsense that you're on that's making you lose your appetite.

And let's now just maintain your body weight and just, just keep eating healthy. And it'll go off. Like, if you just do it the right way, it'llyou'll continue to progress, you know, you don't have to stay on that stuff.

No, it's good.

Long term is kind of sketchy. Like, I don't know, what are youwhat are you doing toit's like, what is the actual GLP1 chemical or whatever you wanna call it, medication. What does it actually do? What does this peptide actually do that makes you lose your appetite? Cause that's essentially what it's doing, you see.

It's supposed to just to curb your appetite. Appetite, right.

Which is the last thing I ever want to hear about. I love appetite.

I love you. Yeah. I love you.

I am appetite.

Yeah, we got from the airport here. That's all people. Thought my sister was out. Where's the best barbecue place? Barbecue. Yeah.

I don't want to thinking about lose my appetite. You can go yourself. I love appetite. So it regulates appetite by acting on the brain's hypothalamus to promote feelings of fullness and satiety and by slowing down the rate of which food leaves the the stomach gastric emptying. It also influences the brain's reward system, reduces cravings for high calorie food and dampening the motivation to eat. These combined effects contribute to a reduced overall energy intake and a longer lasting feeling of fullness after meals. I think it's like everything else, man. Like you could probably use it responsibly and it can probably help you if you're really obese. But I think there's way too many people that are hopping on it that just need a little discipline, right? Just, just get a little discipline. But that doesn't mean that some people shouldn't use it. Right. And if they can figure out how to do it right with like Peptides, then okay, maybe, maybe it's a healthy way for you to get into a good lifestyle. But the real thing is getting, get healthy. That's the real thing.

Right. Predominantly made for people with diabetes, I think. But then they found out that was exactly. Would help people that were obese, which, like you said no.

And it's a huge moneymaker.

You're kidding me. Making some money, making some money off, I just, I just eat and throw up. That's what I do. But see, that's a lot easier.

That's one that I don't have a problem with people making money off of. It's like, I don't have a problem them making money off of any of them. Let me be real clear. But this one's like, maybe like overall benefit if done correctly for. There's so many people out there that are, man, they're £500 and they don't know how to stop. And they, they go to counseling, see the shows, they have their stomach stapled. And it is an addiction. Just gambling, just like anything else. You need some help sometimes.

Yeah.

And maybe that's what they need, a little boost. Just something, something to fucking get you out of this terrible state and move you into a place of healthy. And then you'll be, you'll feel better. This is a problem with like, you'll, you'll think better, you'll be nicer, you'll, you'll, you'll have a better life. You'll have more energy to do the things you like to do. There's no downsides to be being healthy. There's zero downsides.

No.

You know, the only downside is it sucks. It's a lot of hard work, but once you get there, once you get there, the feeling of satisfaction, of having accomplished something, like getting your body into a condition where it's like healthy and you can do stuff. You can, you know, take a yoga class, you can do CrossFit, you can, you can do stuff. It's physical, it works well.

Or just get implants like I did. It's a lot.

There was this one guy who got like the most implants.

Oh, I know. Anybody.

Seen that guy?

Yeah. No. It's. That's really creepy, isn't it?

Someone needed to talk to him a long time ago, like, Mike, whatever you're doing.

Mike, slow down. Mike, slow down. Mike.

You look crazy. I don't know if you got a mirror in your house.

Yeah, no. God damn.

But that's the thing with, with people when they start doing that, that kind of stuff, they don't know when to stop.

Yeah.

You know, and it becomes addictive. You know, just like eating becomes addictive or gambling you could get addicted to just with your fit. That guy there, he is back implanting. Oh, he's got a back implant. Tight 21 GS. $21,000. Do a back implant. It does look like he's got crazy lats. I feel like that guy must be a rock climber. Right? If you saw that, that guy's jacked. Look how jacked he is. All the way down to his wrists. And you're like, hey, why are those wrists on that body? That's crazy. Something's wrong.

You know what I mean?

It's like he looks great for like whatever it is. The boobs are odd, but there's some, some part of your brain is like, what is going on? Does he have fake abs too?

I don't know.

Those are great fake abs. If those are fake abs. Let me see that again. There. It looks, looks real. That looks normal. But one of the ones that you just showed earlier look like. Okay, are those his real abs? Because if you, if you could get those abs, if those are real, like you could have done the whole thing. You could have done the whole thing, fella. Like somebody just needed to get you lifted away, right? He didn't have to do that to what he's gotten done.

I'll see if he admits.

Oh, no, he totally admits to it, right?

Oh, yeah, No, I think that's his whole thing.

Yeah, he's letting everybody know. It's not like he's like, nope, no, no. God just keeps blessing me under the.

Knife more than 190 times.

Oh, that's normal.

For over 340 procedures.

Well, that seems totally sane.

Hey, just how many.

What is it? Like, what kind of damage are you doing to your body? Just going under 190 times.

Jeez.

190 times you went under starting at age 18.

Whoa.

As soon as he got out of the house, you mom and dad.

Yeah, I'm kind of. I'm got orange cones around his head. Yeah, I'm getting lats. I'm getting. He doesn't. But he looks like he's a small frame guy.

Exactly. You get down to his wrist, you're like that guy. This is insane.

The wrist was weird. Like it's not admitting abs saying it did everything else.

Oh, let me see. Yeah, I'll just look. Okay, well, if that's True. And it may be true. They might not be able to do abs back then. I don't.

I think somebody else. I know they do abs.

I know they do that sculpting thing where they sculpt the fat away and it's.

There is a fake abs look like. They don't look like that guy's abs. I have a guy.

Those look pretty good, but that.

The other guy's.

Oh, that's that crazy guy. That guy's had a lot of those things, too. So that's fake abs. Yeah. Those look real.

A little more real.

But that. That, like. I'm saying, like, if somebody just talked that dude into lifting weights. Hooked on the look. What is. I think those are his real abs, which are pretty good. Like, he could have got a tight swimmer's body instead of what he did. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sculpting thing, which it's not an implant, you know, but they, like, take them out with. Yeah, they expose. They cut all the fat away, so it exposes more of the abdominal area. Abdominal sculpting character.

I think I have that tomorrow before Segura Tight.

I think you're gonna have to get drained, though. You're gonna have these tubes.

Tubes coming out, leaking pus. Yeah.

Because you just had a wound. They cut your fat away because you.

You. So you want to look better in bikini. I like. Yeah. No.

All I have to do is just work out. Jesus Christ.

People, do a crunch.

Your body is who you are, right? If you have, like, a little bit of a gut, it's because you've been off. That's just it.

You live a good life to the world.

This is who you are. Let it go.

You're living good. You got a little gut.

If you don't like it, lose weight.

Yeah.

I just don't know if you need Ozempic.

Maybe somebody does, like you said, someone that's really obese probably would help them.

Dude, we're just about four or five years away from there being able to genetically engineer you anyway. They're going to be able to, like, eliminate obesity. Obesity is going to be out the window probably. At least with people who have the money for the procedure, they'll probably just lay paste around your body. Fat will burn away, and you'll come out look like Chris Evans. Probably Captain America.

Yeah.

That'S gonna happen, dude. It's gonna happen.

Yeah, it will.

They're already doing weird stuff that's beneficial to people. They're already figuring out how to splice genes and turn off, like, Gene expressions across certain diseases. And they're getting involved in some really wild research when it comes to like manipulating your genome. And once. Once it really gets good, once they really start, you know, curing certain diseases and figuring stuff out and they ratchet up and they can start. They'll start going, who wants to be good looking? Who wants a giant dick? Who wants the biggest ass?

That's right.

Yeah. It's just gonna. 100 people are gonna all look like cartoons. We're all gonna be cartoony.

It's gonna be. Yeah, it will all look like that.

We're all gonna look like Thor and the woman look like Prime.

What happens? The whole world's hot. I mean, if.

Fun times, fun times.

Everybody gets to play everybody's. Yeah.

With you, man. How much it must suck to just unfortunately be born really unattractive. You know, like, there's people that got a terrible roll of the dice in life. You know, they got weird.

I'm right here, for God's sakes.

You're a normal looking guy, dude. You're normal looking guys. Done some stuff. But this normal looking people like you and I like elephant Titus, man. That guy, Remember that guy? Of course. Imagine something like that where you could just completely change it and all suddenly looks like Ken.

Yeah.

Why wouldn't you do that?

No.

Why wouldn't everybody get a chance to be hot? What's it going to be like if everybody's hot?

Fun.

It's going to be fun, dude. It's going to be awesome.

Everybody gets to play.

Yeah. It's going to be fun. Everybody's hot. Going to be great. And what if they figure out what's wrong with people's brains? Like, oh, we thought that you just had to let people experience life and figure out their issues and make mistakes and maybe go to jail and then get out. No, no, no, no, no. We can just rewire brains. Rewire everybody's brain. So everybody's like really calm and peaceful and kind and compassionate. And you have to sign up for it. It's the compassionate program. And everybody has to get the updated software.

That's great.

The wall. Be super sweet to each other. We're gonna have to do it.

Software. Yeah, Software update. Tonight. Everyone's gonna.

And everyone's gonna be nice. It's gonna be.

Everyone's gonna have all their hair, they're gonna have muscles.

And then all inventions will cease.

Yeah.

Instantaneously. We will never invent a single thing after that. There will be no more music.

Yeah.

Everyone's gonna be hot. There's no. No motivation whatsoever for you to ever, like, be like Prince, right? You know, like, Prince became Prince because he was five foot three, and that was the way to get women to love him, to be so talented like that. People just are blown away and you're acting like a woman. They don't even understand it when they're so hot for you. Like, he hacked the system, but you're not going to get that.

I met Prince a couple times. One time I met him, he. He was still cursing because I was on the Tonight show and I was battling back in that little hallway getting my makeup done, whatever, and. But I already came in makeup, so I don't know why. You know, I was always ready. So I just walk out the makeup thing, and Prince was on the show. His door is right there, and mine is down here. So I walked over to Jay, and he walked in. I said, can I. Could you introduce me to Prince? He said, well, you're in the phone. It's going. I can knock on the door. I said, well, no, I'm protocol. Rather you walk me in. It's Prince, and just say, hey. He said, I haven't even said hi to him yet either, so come with me. So he said, well, go. After this. He goes to get his makeup. I'm just standing there. Prince comes out of his dressing room. He says, where's my fucking tea? And I'm like, what's that? He's my fucking tea. And I was like, oh, I'll go get it. And he closed the door, and Jay's right there in the thing.

I said, where's. Where's Princess Tea? And she's like, what? I said, he just yelled at me to get his tea. He's like, does he know you're on the. No, he doesn't know my show. He probably doesn't know you're on the show. So I went and got tea, and I walked and knocked on the door, and he opened it, and. And he. He. His assistant opened the door. I said, this is. This is Prince's tea. He says, he doesn't drink tea. I was like, okay. No. And Prince is looking. He's like, close the door to the thing. What the fuck was that about? Where's my tea? I go get tea.

Listen, that seems insane.

That's insane. I did, but. But it was. It was just awkward, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So the next time I'm in Vegas, I'm going to my own room.

You didn't talk to him? At all after that?

No.

You were on the show together.

No, he did his thing. I came and. And Jay brings us all on at the end. This is. Thanks Prince and Carrot Top. And Prince declined to go out for the closing. But you can see it. He's like. We had. Thank Prince.

Karen, do you think he was embarrassed that he told you to get his tea?

No, I think he was out of his mind. No, maybe. Maybe he thought, oh, shit. I. No, but he would have said, thank you for my tea. The girl's like, he doesn't want tea. I'm like. Like, he just asked me for fucking tea. All right.

That follows along with my theory about that kind of talent. I always think you have to be at least somewhat insane or have a relationship. Indeed, you have to have a relationship with insanity. Which is probably why he joined Jehovah's Witness.

Yeah.

And decided to stop swearing. It's like he wanted some structure.

Right.

He's probably out of relationship with insanity.

Probably. I mean, he was definitely had to. I mean, he had a troubled. You know, we all know that. He was a rough patch there for him, but he. The best one is I was going to my room at the MGM grand at the Top Suites, whatever the hell they're called. It's after the show and they have the little girls at the end of the. You know, the check you in at the top. Morning, Mr. Thompson. How was your show? Awful. And I start walking down the hall and there's this big, big. I mean, big black guy just standing right there, the center of the hallway. So I'm walking towards him and I'm like, you know, I'm getting closer to him. So I said, hey, how's it going? And I saw him go like, you know, I can't go by him. So I said, oh, oh, I'm sorry. I need to go to my. He's. You can't go to. You can't go past here. I said, oh, no, I have to go to my room. He says, you're not going by. You're not going by me. It wasn't mean about it, but he says, you're not.

You're not going to go by me. And I made a joke, like, I can probably get by you. It being funny. I said. I said, I can. I could probably get by you pretty quick. Didn't laugh. So I said, all right. I went back to the girl at the front desk. I said, is that guy work here? She's like, who? I said, the guy in the hallway. No. What. What guy? I Said, that guy? No. I said, well, then what? You won't let me go buy him? She's like, I'll go with you. So she walks with me. I said, I brought back up this little old lady, right? I brought back up. We're getting through you. And he's like, sir, he needs to go to his room. He said, I'm sorry, you can't, you can't. You can't come by me. And I just kind of. I figured there's got to be something behind him. And I kind of just do one of these, like, well, I just got to get. And it's Prince. And he's standing. He's only, you know, he's this, this guy's three times his size. And Prince is standing behind him. So I just, I say, prince.

And he goes, hey. I said, can I go to my room? He goes, yeah. I said, can you tell him? And he goes, to who? I said, the guy. Like, he's not with him. He says, he said, yeah, let Carrot Top go to his room. And he goes, he goes, one of these. And I walk by him and he's just. Prince is just standing, just standing behind this guy in the hallway. I don't know what he was doing even. He was just standing there. He just standing.

Probably writing a new song in his head.

Maybe he was right, I don't know. But it was just the weirdest. And he just said, hey. And I said, thanks, Prince. He said, no problem, bro.

He's a weird guy. That's why he's so good.

Yeah, I just never forget that. I was like, ah, I don't think.

Anybody gets that good without being really out of their mind.

Yeah.

You know? No, you got to be out there, man.

He is standing there behind this guy. That's funny. It wasn't like. It wasn't on his phone. There was phones. It wasn't like, that's a funny thing.

To do playing stand out there with a giant dude.

Stand there behind him. Maybe he was waiting on a girl to come out of the room. That's all I could think of. Maybe just felt like he would just stand there and. And I looked back, thanks, Prince. He said, no problem.

Remember when he had to use a symbol because he didn't have the rights.

To use the record label?

That's so insane. You go back to Billy Joel's song, I am the entertainer. Like, this is that too. It's the same thing, music business with one of the all time greats. I was just reading about Billy Joel.

His first record Deal. He almost everything up. He signed everything away for 15 years.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. 1973.

Some guy saw him perform that song you're talking about, and he's like, I gotta. We gotta figure this out. Captain Jack.

Yeah. Oh, wow.

Captain Jack is a great song. If you ever see him do it, like, live.

No. Oh, yeah.

God damn. See if you can find an old version. God, can we play it and, like, cut it out? Yeah, let's play it and cut it out. Find an old version of him doing it live from, like, the 1970s, if you can. If it's possible.

Yeah. There's a whole thing in the documentary right now about Billy Joel, where.

Look at this. How quick is this? 1976? Captain Jack from. Excuse me, me, Connecticut Live, 1976. We'll come back. Ladies and gentlemen, now we're back.

Oh, going back to. We were talking about music earlier, about.

How good was that song.

Oh. So I'm saying, though, people, we have this. You. I'm sure everyone has the same discussion about music and, you know, these songs. Everything from that area, 60s, 70s, 80s, is still relevant and amazing. But there's. It's hard to find. I don't know if they just don't play it too.

It's. You gotta find artists, man. You gotta find. Find the artists.

Go back and I, you know, who do.

There's a lot of artists I still.

Listen to, you know.

Yeah, but there's great guys right now, man. You know, There's Jelly Roll right now.

He's amazing.

Oliver Anthony. He's amazing. Teddy Swims, that dude. Do you know who that guy is? Oh, my God. Play the dude Door by Teddy Swims. What's that? We can't play music anymore. Just like. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. Sorry, but I just want you to listen.

Here's a. You. You with your crowd, you say, okay, now, here. This is one of the best songs I've ever heard. Check this out.

Yeah, but you come back.

No, you come back. You go, right.

Listen to this song.

Great.

You get it?

That's great. Yeah. Beautiful.

Yeah. See, they're out there, man.

Yeah, I know. You just gotta find them, I guess. Oh, like me, I just get stubborn. I go, oh, what do you listen to? I'm like, oh, Elton John. What the.

I'll give you some to listen to. There's some great out there.

I try to. I just get so. I'm old. So you listen to Zach. I love Zach Brown. Yeah.

Zach Bryant. I love Zach Brown, too, but Zach Bryan.

Oh, Zach. Brian.

He's the guy that was at the arena with Shane Gillis. You don't know him?

No, I don't. Wait, do I not know him?

Phenomenal. He's phenomenal. Phenomenal. Phenomenal. And another one of those guys is just like super, super talented and incredible voice. He was in the military, man. He was making songs on like, Tick Tock in the military, one of those things like vine or something like that. And that's how he popped. Just like right out of nowhere.

That's great.

Let him out of the army. Like, you're gonna be a star, superstar. He was in the Navy. Where. What. What arena were they at?

Notre Dame Stadium. Football stadium.

How many people's in that? I'll show you.

I mean, it's 100.

Is there a picture of them on stage a lot? Yeah, I want to see a picture of them on stage. That's so surreal. Yeah, those numbers are so surreal. Like, look at the size of that. That's so crazy.

It's like Deluxer every night, nothing different.

Basically the same.

It's the same.

What's the biggest show you've ever done?

Stadium in Florida.

What is that?

But that was for. It was for their homecoming. It wasn't a. It wasn't a Carrot Top show. I was the headliner, but it was. It was a. It was a.

Look at this.

Look at that.

That's crazy.

Wow. Are you so nervous about doing it too?

I can't wait.

Oh, I imagine.

Well, how could you not be?

Well, yeah, but my. My thing with the stadium, because, you know, we. We do. They do it soundtrack there, but this. The stadium's empty. And it just. It was, you know, 100,000 people. This side was going to be the alumni. This side was the kids, you know, all ages. Now. They had a rules. You can't say you couldn't curse. You couldn't. Definitely couldn't anything sexual. So, Mike, thank God I brought all this stupid shit, which is, you know, meant for Kyle is a bong with, you know, right? The open guy goes out. His first joke is like. I mean, this chick out, right? My guy comes running in, like, dude, my boy. He's like. His opening line was, I mean, this girl. And I said, no. He goes, yeah. I'm like, well, second guy goes out, same thing. He's just. They're the beyond rotten, gross, dirty, right? And I'm getting ready to go up. And I'm like, well, I'm gonna eat now because they're They're. You know, they went here, but the crowd wanted goofy. They. They had heard all this. It was actually worked in my advantage. They. They did all this horrible dirty stuff that the.

The crowd was kind of like, let's get Carrot Top. And I came up and I was like, you know, I did my exact thing I was supposed to do. Silly goofy, you know, for both sides. They loved it. But the weirdest thing, I'd love to ask him that, he's never played a stadium. Is it you say, you know, hey, and it goes, hey, hey, hey, hey. Four times a back slap, whatever they call that.

Oh, echo.

Yeah. So I didn't. In sound check. It wasn't doing that. So I went out and I said. I said something like, you know, Florida. I'm from Florida. So I was like, oh, Florida, my hometown. Is it Florida, my hometown. Florida, my hometown.

Oh, no.

And I went, oh. Like, in my head, I didn't know what I was gonna do. And that split second, and I said. I said, wow, wow, wow. One thing cool about playing the stadium, stadium, stadium is every time. Every joke that's gonna bomb is gonna bomb four times. Four times, Four times. And the crowd went like, crazy. I said, no, seriously, that ain't. Hey. And it just worked off that echo. It was great.

You figured out how to work with it.

Right, right, right. In a split second, I'm like, yeah, that's the way gotta match.

Not just ignoring the fact that you hear yourself four times.

No, I know. And you have to time out. You're right. It was the weirdest thing ever. You're holding up a thing, and you're like, it's a thing with a thing, and you have to hold it longer till they see it to put it down. It's weird.

I remember when I used to work at Great woods center for the Performing Arts, it was like a concert venue. And I was there when Bill Cosby was.

Was there.

And the. The problem with comedy in that place is that it was outdoors, so the inside of it was all covered. Like there was like an inside space. It was open air, but there was a roof over it and it was all covered. And then there was a lawn area.

Meadowbrook kind of thing.

And they sold tickets for the lawn, but you could only hear the show inside the roofed area because once it got out, all the echo it up so bad. When it made it out into the lawn, you could understand what the. Anybody said. You had to be in there where the speakers were. And so everybody was furious. They were all complaining, like, oh, they never checked. Like, no one checked to see if you could hear someone talk out.

That's crazy.

Crazy.

These kids today. Yeah.

No one knew what he was saying.

Yeah, the dentist coming there.

I saw Dangerfield there. He was backstage. So backstage, when Dangerfield would do shows, he would get high as. He would take off all of his clothes and he would put a robe on. That's where you go on stage with a bathrobe on. Just raw dick and a bass rock robe and with slippers on. And. Dude, he murdered. I was. I guess I was like, 19 years old when I was working there, and he went up there, and I. I was not even thinking about doing standup comedy yet, so I was just loving it, just as a pure fan. I was like, I can't believe Roddy J hanging out with a basketball.

Because that's what he was known for. Even Vegas, he'd go around the casino and robe and slippers in the.

I didn't. I saw him in a bathrobe, and I saw him go on stage in a bathrobe, and that was his move.

No, I know he did. He. I saw it. He walked up in his dress room on purpose with it undone. I swear to God. I said, hey. I said, rodney. He said, yeah, it's my mom. He goes, hey, Mom. And you just stand there. Yeah, my mom's, like, crazy, right? And he meant to. He meant to. He looked at me like, how's mom doing? I'm like, great. And she's like, dude, you're thinking.

In our dressing room at the club, his wife donated his notes from an appearance on this night show. So it's his handwritten notes, and they're all framed with a photo.

Rodney.

Yeah, it's pretty cool. One of the things I loved about him, man, is that he introduced the world to a lot of other great comics. He introduced the world to Kinison Hicks.

Right.

Robert Schimmel, Don Myrera, Jerry Seinfeld. Like, a lot of comics did. A lot of comics did those HBO young comedian specials, those.

Well, that's what you're doing as well, and Tony is doing that because you give all the comics time on your show, which most shows don't have that anymore. Right. The late shows don't.

But comics that have podcasts all do this.

But, I mean, but you made a lot of people have podcasts now. You're a powerful person behind.

Listen, I think people are gonna have podcasts with their icons.

I'm giving people the platform. Like, oh, you got on here. You know, the other shows like late night shows don't have comics anymore.

They don't. Well, that's silly. But also, they're just hampered anyway because it's all. It. The whole show was a. It's not. Not to knock late night shows because some of them are fun to watch, but it's basically. It's publicity for a bunch of stuff. Right? It's like someone's coming on to promote an album, someone's coming on to promote a movie. Nothing wrong with that.

Right.

But the problem is it's not what the host is. Is interested in. Right. And to. I think the. The way that those shows are, you're handicapped in a way where you have to get on the famous people. You have to get on the rock star. You have to. You can't just have weird people. Come on. You can't have some guy who worked for the C.I.A. come on.

Right.

Tell you about aliens. This is what I know so far.

But that would be the. Whatever guest, like the third middle guest.

You can do that, though. You can't do it.

You.

First of all, you only have 10 minutes. Each guest is like in and out real quick. You've barely enough time to scratch a surface of like one or two. Two stories. You don't get it. You don't get, I guess, what.

I used to do it. I used to. I do it. I did it. I don't know how many times I did the Tonight show, but it was always. I never was promoting anything. In fact, the only time I had something to actually promote, they didn't want to put me on. I said, I'm trying to promote Chairman of the board, this movie. And they're like, yeah, but that's hilarious. Yeah.

The one time you wanted.

I really did. No, I did. I have this, this movie coming out and.

Yeah, I remember that movie.

Yeah. They're like, nah, I'm like, I got a movie, Jay. I gotta, you know, I got. I'm in a movie now. The weirdest one. I would ask you. I was in reverse this to you. Who's the strangest? You said strange guest made me think of this. That you've had to do in front of. I'll tell you mine real quick. So I. I was on the Tonight show and Dick Cheney was on. Oh. And I mean, nothing against. I mean, it's just. It's like sulfur. Well, I had five, maybe six props. Dick Cheney props on purpose. Right? Because.

Because Dick Cheney was there.

No, I. I had like three just because I'm topical all the time in the show. So I have already. I already have them in my show. But then when they said, dick, you're going to be on with Dick Cheney. I said, oh, can I do. And so I started writing more. So I had like six, and I opened with them, right? So, but the weird part was I get there, and we're rehearsal at Secret Service. Everybody's there that, you know, I can't, I can't get to my own room. Princess guys that you can't go by again? No. So I, I, I, I finally rehearsed, and they're like, the people are like, you know, he's going to be a guest. I said, well, no. She said, I'm doing it, right? And they're like, Jay's like, you know, I, I don't know. I said, well, you know, it's very topical. It's, it's. And I think it's funny that he's there, right? So Jay come. This is right for the show. He said, is he going to stay or is he going to leave? Because Secret Service is surrounding me, like, going to go grab him and go.

And Jane's like, well, I don't know. I mean, I can ask him. And I'm thinking, just between you and me, I mean, this is like behind the curtain, right? What do you think? Is it better if he's there and I do it and they keep cutting over to him? Or if he's gone and I do it and I keep looking like, thank God he's gone. What's going on? Funnier? And he's like, I don't know. I mean, I. If you're fine. I said, I think if he could stay, it would be better because it's really funny. I'm doing it right in front of the guy, right? So they said, okay. So they go back, he talks. He goes back. He says, okay. He's saying. So he goes back to the desk and they lay in. Please welcome me to find him. Cameron Top. And he came out.

Great impression.

Yeah. Good friend of the th. Wacky guy from Vegas. As I walk out and I give right off, I said, I look over and said, hey, I had size. It's funny that you're here. And I, I pull out. Probably could find this. We pull it out, and I have a Dick Cheney gun. And it's a, it's a rifle with the, the thing goes this way because he shot the guy in the head. And I mean, it's already like, holy, right? Like, I found your gun. Oh, sorry, Bill. And it's like, it didn't the crowd didn't know at first because they're all looking at him, and they're looking at him laugh. Yeah, well, he's got that, you know, just. Just pissed, right? So I, I, I. I go, right? And I do another one. I had an operation game. You know, the operation. It had his. His face on it because he's always getting operating. I had a book where the thing. It was just like five or six Dick Cheney jokes. Finally, I. I keep looking over, I'm like, you know, we're good. You're not gonna have me. You're not gonna have me audited or I'm gonna be killed here.

And, you know, Jay's. Now the crowd's really getting. And now the Chinese looking like, how many more? He even says, how many more do we. I said, I got one more, and then we'll move on. So I do one more Cheney joke. Now he's kind of. He's kind of laughing, but still kind of like, this is aggravating. Then I go and I do a. A piggy bank for gay guys. And it's a. It's a piggy bank where the slot is in the. Instead of the top of the thing, right? Great prop. Hey, it's a piggy bank for gay guys murders. I mean, I did a great, great set. I get done. I walk over, I sit down, and there's something going on. Like, the, The. The. The. The. There's a ruckus. There's, like, Secret Service, something going. The writers, the producers. And Jay. Jay gets up, and he. And I'm just sitting there with Dick Cheney. And the lady comes over, she goes, oh, my God. That was. That was. That was the best set you've ever done. I said, thank you, Tracy. And you. And she said, I look over. I said, thank you for being a good sport.

Yeah. Where do you find all this? I said, no, I make it. He thought I just found it all. No, I make. Where do you find all this stuff? I said, I made it. You made that? It's pretty clever. His daughter is there, and apparently all those Dick Cheney jokes were fine, but when I did the gay piggy bank, she lost her mind.

Like, you can't do that.

No, I don't know. I. She.

She lost her man. Like.

Like really mad that I did a gay piggy bank joke on the show. Forget. I just did five jokes about her father so that everyone was taking her out of the studio. She was losing her. She was screaming. And so they took her out of the studio.

Just the gay Piggy bank. That's it?

Yeah. It was like I can't believe that you that like that in front of my father. And I thought you were making fun of me because I'm doing a dick chain. You know he shot your dad, Joe.

The gay piggy bank is what said.

It was the gay piggyback.

Is this Liz Cheney?

I think. I don't know.

Thank you.

It's one of the daughters. I don't know.

How many daughters do you have?

I don't know. That's why I think it might have been.

How many?

Just two.

One of the daughters. Let's just say one of them.

One of the daughters. I don't think it was allegedly.

Allegedly could have been an imposter. It was a crazy person pretend to be one the of the daughters. Dick Cheney, his daughter Liz are both staunchly against Donald Trump despite being Republicans. But why are Liz and Mary once feuding over same sex marriage? How, how are they feuding over that? Let's find out. What's that? When was this? I know you're trying to add but now I'm curious like what this article is from a year ago. What A year ago, someone's upset about same sex marriage. What are they saying?

Well, this, I mean there are the election. I had, I had another prop that.

Hold on what is a year ago?

So it wasn't. It was how to do with that. That's why they mentioned Donald Trump in that.

Right. Well, what is, what is the same sex marriage dispute between.

I don't know.

Because I need to know. Yeah, some people are still arguing about that. Okay. And they believe in same sex marriage. The other one doesn't. It'd be funny. Was the other way around gay? Was like I want it to be illegal. I don't know which one. We don't know.

I don't know which daughter. I don't. I don't either. I'm assuming it was probably the one that was gay. Maybe then maybe it's really offended two.

Daughters just hating on each other. It's like, well, I don't think you should get married.

I had, I had another one that was kind of strange because it was a dumb joke made me think of you said same sex marriage. So right when gay marriage became legal in certain states, there's like four states. I had a big map, a big map that I'd hold up and I'd say, hey, gay marriage is now legal. And this is a map to show people. And it would have these. Right. Where the states were, there were These little penises on springs, whatever. And it was. It was so. It was just dumb, right? So I rehearse it, and the, you know, the crew is going crazy. They're like, ah, sky dildos. And, you know, you can't do a dildos. And NBC. And so lady comes over. She goes, you can't. I said, I know. I. I mean, I think it's silly enough, you know, they're not. They're just on springs. And she's. I would always fight with her. She said, no. So I said, all right, if I come up with a different idea without dicks on it, can I do it? She's like, yeah. So I thought, I don't know. I'll do. I take the springs off.

And I had the guys back there at the Tonight show print out Ryan Seacrest faces, you know, like four of them, right? And I put them where the gay marriages. Now, Ryan Seacrest is a good friend of mine, and everyone was making fun of him right back then, oh, he's gay. And he's not, clearly. But the joke would be. And it killed.

It's funny.

So I come back and I go, how about this? And she's like, oh, my God, that's. I said, I know him. He's not gonna. He'll. He'll probably text me and say, why would you do that? Jay comes over and goes, oh, you know, he's really a good friend of mine. I said, no, Jay. I said, he's a friend of mine too. He's. It's funny. It's not. It's not anything. He's like, yeah, if you really. If you could just.

That dude does not seem hyper sensitive, is he?

No, no. But Jay was very protective of. I said, no. He said, no, you know, the NBC, that's my friend. I don't think it's necessary. I said, well, yeah, I can put like. You want me to put like. Like, I said, like dick. You know, Richard Nixon dicks or something? He said, no, just get rid of. Getting rid of the dicks. Get rid of the joke. I said, it's funny.

Fuck, yeah.

Well, fighting over Ryan crisis.

That's the problem with, you know, having editorial access to someone's act when they're doing a Tonight show set, it should be like, no, it should be like, look, if you want fucking the black crows to play they sing their song. You know what the song is, you know what the lyrics are, that's fine. But with a comic, you can't.

Yeah, they.

You can't tell them they can't do something.

Well, they asked nicely. And I, of course, I had. I had 40 other props. I didn't need to do that.

You're even swearing. Like, what are you doing? You're being silly. It's silly. Like, come on.

I did break the law with him once.

What'd you do?

I was doing a bill. A podium for Bill Clinton, and was the closing bit. And I would do the stupid voice to you. Like, I did not. And. And there was this, you know, presidential seal on this podium and had a true false buzzer button. It would go bing, bing. And it would be. It was just so stupid, you know, like, I did not have. And you hit the button. I did not have. I will not race to E. And then, you know, I fucked or ding, ding, ding. Something. I forgot the joke now. But the. The closing punch of the whole thing was right after I'm doing the podium. That would kill. I did. I could just. Stopping that. I had a foot pedal where Monica Lewinsky's head would come up, like on a beret, Literally. This is great. It took hard, took engineering to do this. And so I'd go. I did not. And then I hit the foot pedal and the. The woman. The beret would come up and I go, not now. Just. That's all I had. Just not now. It. In the rehearsal, it was just. It was the. They were like, that's the best thing you've ever brought here.

My God. And I. Yeah, great. Here. Here comes my lady with her new pad. And I said, oh, fuck. She goes, everything is good standards in practice. I said. I said, oh. And I give her a hug. I said, this is the first time I've come and everything got approved. And she says, yeah. I went back to my dressing room. Like, I can't believe I get to do this. My closing bed. The fucking. It's gonna kill. Right before I'm talking, a minute before I come in, she walks in. She's like, okay, you can do the podium, but you can't. You can't put her head down. And I said, why? You can't use your hand to force her head down. That's just. That can't. It can come up. You just can't force it down. I run to the prop department. I said, is there a way you can. Because I'd made it. They don't know my. They're looking like, I don't know I made it. I didn't. Is there a way I can. Can release and go down without me touching it? And they're Like, I don't know. They looked at it and I'm on in five minutes.

I said it. So I. I do the whole thing. I said, I did not. And the head comes up and I said, not now. And I use my elbow to put it down. And of course, the crowd, it killed. And it would have better if I did this, but I said, not now. I get done. I come over, and I can see her fuming. She comes running over me because they always come and say, what a great set. Oh, you did so good. Tracy Fist did. She said, that was phenomenal. I said. I said, that was Jay's, like, do I get that? And I said, the stands and practice lady coming over. Ah. And I said, in trouble. She's like. I said, I didn't do that. We go, show's over. Thank you. Tomorrow night. Then she comes over, okay, if I get fired over this? I said, you're not going to get fired over this. Oh, no. They've already bleeped it out on the. On the West Coast. East coast. It went live. I said, believe that. What? You can't force her head. I said, I didn't force it. I didn't use my hand. I used my elbow.

She just looked at me like, you, like, so clever. I said, well, you said, don't use my hand. So everything was fine after that. But it did get bleeped out. And the. It just. It went, you know, the joke up because they went, I did not. And then, Right. You know, the west ended, right, to just Good night. It wasn't a punchline.

Yeah, well.

You ever get in trouble for something?

Not like that, no.

Well, this is when I got in trouble. I got banned from Fox, I think, for life, for this.

And this is for something else.

This is really weird. Yeah. I was doing the country, no Billboard Music Awards, and they asked me to do a little bit with Chris Rock. It's Chris Rock and me and he, you know, it's. It was such great together because he's like, you know, top, you know, and I'm out there, stupid. And Chris Rock is, you know. So he and I go out, we do our rehearsal, and I had like, four props or something, and the guy came over, like, in a panic, right middle of the show. It's already happened. Our bit's coming up in about 4, 40 minutes. He says, I need you guys to go longer. And Chris Rock's like, bye. He said, just come up with something. And I said, well, I can go. I can. I can have my guy go back to the MGM and grab a few more props. That'd be awesome. Chris was like, yeah, perfect. You know, we'll kill the time without having to change too much. And I can just pull out more. I go. And I tell him, I go, go, tv. Clean. Get. Get. Like this. Get the thing. The towel with the misspelled thing.

And then the one of the seat. The toilet seats. So I added. It was a. It was a. It was a. It was a great joke. It was a toilet seat with a seat belt. So when you eat a Taco Bell, right, You sit on it and I put it on and I, in the sound. Sound effect in the show would say, houston, we have a problem. And it would. It's a great stupid little bit. But there's about 20 toilets. Seats leading up to that one. I was like, I'm not kidding. Like, 30 toilet seats and one that hold women's hair when they throw up. I had one that lights up. I had one with spikes on it. It was so many. So the last one was the seat belt. Right. So it's very clean. Right? It does. Great. We walk back and I'm thinking, they're going to come high five me because we just saved the show. We added. You know, we added time. They needed. The guy's like, they. They. They banned me because I said Taco Bell. Because it was sponsored by Taco Bell. How the am I supposed to know it's sponsored by Taco Bell?

That's real. Yeah, dude, That's. I'm like, I didn't say. They said, no, you said Taco Bell.

I'm like, oh, my God.

How do I get fined for that? They thought, you're banned for life.

That's hilarious.

Because I said Taco Bell. I didn't know. I mean, I'm not the guy. They should have come to me and said, don't do anything with Taco Bell.

100%. That's not on you. That's a normal reference for a comic. No, that's funny.

Yeah. Not funny. Really? I mean. Funny now.

They would have been pumped if you said Del Taco.

All right.

Yeah.

Go after competitors. If they. Now see, if they told me that, I would have. Yeah, I would have done that.

Hey, brother, this was a lot of fun.

Thank you for doing this again. Thank you.

It was a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to seeing you on Kill Tony and anybody wants to check them out. Carrot Top is at the Luxor in Las Vegas, Nevada, on a regular basis. What's the best way to find out.

When just text me. Yeah, yeah. Las Vegas. I mean, carrot top.com or Las Vegas.

Beautiful.

All right.

My man.

Thank you. Thank you.

A lot of fun. All right, bye, everybody.

It.