Transcript of Let's Have a MTV VJ Competition | Hour 1

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Put it on the poll, Juju. Who would make a better MTV VJ, Mike Ryan or Jeremy Tashay? Jeremy's like all mad now, Dave. He's all upset. He's insulted. He feels insulted that none of us believe he would make a good MTV VJ. Mike, where does he at? Where did you say he belongs?

You belong in the news division, my man. You get over there and they'll be like, hey bud, go over there with John Norris, work the red carpet a little bit.

You and Serena Alsul, you just sound like a fool right now.

No, you—

no, you sound uneducated.

No, this is a generational divide because you weren't alive for the heyday of MTV. No, you don't get it.

You weren't alive.

You flatly don't get it. Even Gideon Yago was legit.

You know about Gideon Yago?

Gideon Yago was out there. In New York down the alphabet streets. Like, everyone knew in the scene where Gideon Iago was born.

Yup.

Even though he was clean cut.

You think I can't be there?

No, holla at Chris Connelly.

I mean, Tashay is a modern-day Tabitha Soren. I think we could all agree on that. I think what we need to do is to figure it out is have them do some tosses to some music videos. Hey, Tashay, you're up first. Toss to the new video from Metallica.

Go ahead.

All right, we got a great one for you guys here.

Oh no, no, man, we're talking about Metallica here, man.

What are you talking about?

Hey metalheads, Metallica is back with a brand spanking new video off the Mission: Impossible 2 soundtrack. Here it is, I Disappear.

This guy got to hear me do it.

That's how you do it.

Jeremy, I'd like to introduce you to Sushi and Pac. You'll be working together very closely.

That's how you do it. Juju also put this on the poll: is Jeremy Tasheng a modern-day Tabitha Soren? You know what, fine, we'll do something a little bit up your alley. All right, Jeremy, I mean, Mike just nailed the Metallica video I Disappear in.

Yeah, well, that was, that was me tossing to it on Headbangers Ball. If I were doing TRL, it'd be a more conventional toss, but you don't even know about Headbangers Ball. That's how out of your depth you are, right?

You're right.

I'm believing in my talent alone. All right, I do too. So let's let's make this a little bit more fair. Let's do something a little bit more up your alley. Okay, Jeremy, why don't you introduce the newest 98 Degrees video?

Who? Come on, this is supposed to be up your alley.

98 Degrees? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they were popular before I was born.

That's what I mean about you missing the heyday.

Yeah, I get it.

You think that's getting you the gig at MTV, that you just keep saying, "I've never heard of these people because I wasn't born"? That's not getting you the gig.

Oh, here's Olivia Rodrigo's latest.

Hey, Livies, you want to hear the newest stupid song? This one's for you. Here comes—

All right, we need to see your range though. We need to see your range, Tashay. Report on the unfortunate passing of Kurt Cobain.

So, uh, you know who he is, right? Bad news out of Seattle.

No, you're already— you don't do a so, uh, out of the typewriter bang.

Bad news out of Seattle.

You need to make me feel better about the tragic information you're about to lay on my head.

Do you think your family will be upset about the passing of Kurt Cobain?

All right, I think everyone knows. So, you're Tabitha Soren.

So, uh, Joe in the dirt, in the ground. Yep.

All right, here's a top 5 opening scenes in cinematic history.

Wow.

Yes, yes.

Oli, Specter.

A cockroach.

Never seen it.

Okay, you've never seen Specter?

We've been through this before. I've only seen one James Bond movie.

Which one?

Uh, the first one. I'm trying to watch them. The first James Bond movie is Casino Royale. I'm trying to watch them in order.

Casino Royale was a black and white start.

No, no, no, I'm talking about with, with, with Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig, yes. Specter, it was so good of an opening scene. I mean, what were you telling me?

So the opening scene is him walking across the rooftops in Mexico as a parade is happening.

There was like parkour happening.

It was such a good opening scene that that parade, which was fictional, written for the movie, Mexico was like F it. We're gonna do it for real now.

OLI.

Super Troopers.

A cockroach.

Is that they pull the guy over and he's on drugs?

Yeah, he's way too high.

It's funny. I can't pull over any further! It's funny. OLI. And then the cut, then they, when they leave him, then they go, they start driving in reverse, right? Past him.

Dark Knight Rises.

A cockroach. Yeah.

Yeah. The Dark Knight Rises.

They expect one of us to be in the wreckage, brother.

Yeah. OLI.

Now is not the time for fear. Drive.

A cockroach.

Do you remember the opening scene in Drive where he times it out with the Clippers game and he's listening to the Clippers game on the radio and Buddy has to be in the warehouse just a little bit too long and he's listening to the police scanners and he has to evade the helicopter?

Oh yes!

Drive.

He loves Drive.

Drive is great. And then at the very end of that scene where he gets out of the Staples Center parking garage and he just walks away. Then Kavinsky's Night Call hits. Banger.

Oh, this is what we're doing? There are a lot of movies in man's recorded history and we're talking about Drive?

Yeah, we're talking about opening scenes.

He loves this.

Drive is a great film.

Uh, oh, a lie.

Pulp Fiction.

A cockroach.

All right, I love you, pumpkin. I love you, honey.

All right, this is the robbery.

Number 5.

Any of you pricks move, man. When that— when he punctuates that and they jump up in, in, in the diner and then That, uh, those— that Pulp Fiction drops down over the pub.

You like title cards and music now after an opening scene? Check out Drive.

Watching Colin Kaepernick at the stick run away from the Packers, like, what the hell is happening? I've never seen anything like this before in my life.

Jeremy, you've heard of Pulp Fiction before, right?

Yeah, yeah. Number 5, Mission: Impossible III.

It's a cockroach.

Mission: Impossible III, remember we start somewhere in the late middle.

Yeah.

And we time hop. And that's when you already establish, wow, Philip Seymour Hoffman is intense right now.

That's my favorite one, the one with Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Oh, Fallout, but Mission: Impossible III I think is my second favorite. And that's when we get the great Tom Cruise, "No, no." He's acting his ass off in that scene.

But also, I gotta quote Rick and Morty. I just feel like stories should start at the beginning rather than like creating this fake tension of time hopping.

Oh really?

Then you're not a Pulp Fiction guy. No, that's different. The whole movie is jumping around. This one is like the, the standard cliché of like, I'm going to show you a scene from the middle, and we're like, wait, how did Tom Cruise get in this situation? Then we're going to start from the beginning.

You know, I, I, I rewatched The Odyssey, and I realized what a movie— not enough is made about how that film is pretty much out of sequence the entire time. It's a series of flashbacks, and so you don't really see movies that popular that don't go in order.

Nolan thing, what are we talking about?

Yeah, yeah, but you wouldn't think so in The Odyssey. But they do a lot of callbacks. Number 4, Reservoir Dogs.

It's a cockroach. What a movie. Why do I got to be Mr. Pink?

Number 3, Raiders of the Lost Ark.

It's a cockroach.

Oh, throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip. And then he throws him the whip, or yeah, and he throws him the idol and he's like, adiós, señor.

Number 2, The Dark Knight.

Wait a second, I— this is a great one, Mike. That's exactly right. But I do have to shout out—

let me—

you should complete your list. But Raiders of the Lost Ark establishes a new universe and You buy in by the end of that when he's running away, when Belek says, "Ffft, ffft," to the natives when they chase him and all of that.

If only you spoke Hovito. "Hokara, Matutu, Hokara!" "Once again, Dr.

Jones, you show there's nothing you can find that I cannot take," or something like that. "Ffft, ffft," and then he runs away. "Start the plane!" That's great, and in the same way, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, you have to shout out those opening scenes, which I assume you're going to get to. But they establish this new universe, and if you look back on them, you buy in. You know, you're a half hour into the movie and you're all the way into Lord of the Rings Fellowship and all of that. But, but that could have gone sideways within 45 seconds of the movie. You have grown-up people dressed up in these ridiculous costumes running through fields like, uh, from from fake medieval times or from space in Star Wars, and you're still all the way in as a grown-up. Like I say, a minute into the movie, that is some winsome stuff, moviemaking to make you care about that crap. I mean, they're robots, they're droids talking to each other, and you're like, what's coming next? Instead of being robots, what is this ridiculousness?

That's right.

Is that a Pittsburgh accent thing?

I wrote for BattleBots. I'm allowed to say—

oh, you wrote for Battle— wait, How do you write for that?

BattleBots was—

No, there was a good amount of banter from the host and a lot of jokes, actually. Wow, I did not know that you did that.

Yeah, the look of pride on his face, like, that's right.

Yeah, I was like, wait a second, it's just bots battling. But no, it was so much more than that. I don't want to minimize it.

I did what I did to get by. I'm not going to apologize to you for it.

You don't have to. It was a great— it was a great show.

And number one, you know, they were robots and they fought each other.

Robots.

So, uh, I only have one spot left. It is neither a Star Wars movie—

here we go—

or Lord of the Rings.

She's riding the bike.

See, I think this one's irrefutable. And crafting this list, there was one certifiable master of the opening scene. It's Quentin Tarantino, and number one is Inglourious Basterds.

Oh, wait a second, hold on, man. Queen Latifah got from like Times Square to downtown Brooklyn in 10 minutes on a bicycle, and you're telling me that's not the number one opening scene?

I can't believe it's not the montage of Shrek and Fiona falling in love to Accidentally in Love by the Counting Crows in Shrek 2. I mean, this is ridiculous. Where's that on the list?

You're harboring enemies of the state, aren't you?

Here's a hot take for you. Raiders of the Lost Ark, like I say, establishes a great and wonderful, uh, universe, and so that wins for better. But Temple of Doom, that first 20 minutes is arguably the best 20-minute stretch in the Dr. Jones, uh, you know, library. That's, that's the best, Dave.

We were just talking about the other day, Temple Doom's the best one. It's so forgotten, that whole scene in Hong— in Shanghai, I mean, where they go to the Obi-Wan cafe. You guys pick up on that? Oh, little Easter eggs and stuff. And they're doing the deal and the guy starts laughing. He's like, what's so funny? He's like, oh, what's that? He's like, the antidote. Antidote to what? To the poison you just Oh, I love that scene.

Kate Capshaw, that's where she stole the heart of Spielberg, and she does Anything Goes, the whole song, and then they go out into the streets and they're chasing each other and they get on the plane and then they close the door. They think they get away except that they're on the bad guy's plane. And you know what? The bookend to that, the last 20 minutes of Temple of Doom is also in contention for the best stretch in any Dr. Jones movie.

Really?

Out on the bridge?

No, when he cuts the bridge. Oh, come on, what a scene.

No, last 20 minutes of Last Crusade, that's a movie right there. That when with the ghost is like, he chose poorly, and then the guy kind of like, you know, whatever, man. Crusade had me on the edge of my seat. Like, I was like, what's happening here?

What?

It blew my mind in a way I didn't know a movie could.

Dan Levitar!

I don't like the word "blue," but I do have at least one pal that I can think of who has— he actually, he says he fell asleep in coitus.

Dave Demacek!

You may look at me and be surprised to hear this, I happen to be a vigorous lovemaker, so that would never happen to me.

This is the Dan Levitar Show!

I don't like though, it's sort of like watching Gilligan's Island. I can't stand like there's this, there's an uneasiness for me that just never goes away that this son of a bitch Gilligan keeps screwing them from getting off the island. Like if he one time screwed it, like the professor's like, I've got a scheme that's gonna finally get us off the island. And then you do, and then like Gilligan screws it up, you'd be like, maybe you let him off the hook, maybe, or maybe you kill him right there. But if he does it a second time, he definitely gets drowned by the gang there. And same goes for— I forget what I was going to— what I was trying to talk about.

You fool.

Because I got distracted. That's right. That's right.

Nicolas Cage and the guys are back with a chart-topping single, Give Me Just One Night, una noche, and it's brand spanking new.

I know that one.

I feel bad. I feel bad for the 600-year-old man sitting there. That's what I can't get away. The Last Crusade. I feel so bad for the old man. You chose poorly. Why does he wave goodbye to Dr. Jones? Because as far as he knows, Dr. Jones and his father are the reason that he now has to to die. The whole place, like, once a— wait, once he takes the, uh, the, the goblet out of there, um, then the whole thing, like, it's all— the whole thing has to collapse. And he's like, goodbye. Like, yeah, I've been here for 600 years and now I have to die because of you.

Well, look, here's the deal with every great Indiana Jones movie. It's the reason why Temple of Doom, it just falls short, right? The great thing about Raiders of the Lost Ark and Last Crusade is For most of the movie, you're like, come on guys, this shit ain't real. Like, there's— okay, you find the map room and you can do all these things and find the books and the notes and then X marks the spot. You can do all that, but we're all like, come on, that shit ain't real. Until you reach a point where like, holy shit, it's real. The Ark, when it starts zapping Nazis, and then the, the, uh, the, the, uh, what's it called? The goblet of Christ.

Everyone's forgetting stuff.

What's the chalice?

The chalice. Yeah, the chalice. So the idea that they went through all the booby traps, but the booby traps are actually explained by science, like, see, it's not real, it's not magical. But then there's a 600-year-old man. I'm like, holy shit, it's real! Like, that's what makes it wonderful. With Temple of Doom, it's like, like midway through the movie we see a guy get his heart pulled out. Like, oh shit, this is real. And that kind of throws me off.

That's right, you're exactly right. That's what fails Temple of Doom, is that it's based on this fictional thing. Like, those rocks don't exist, obviously, in, in, uh, popular mythology the way obviously the Grail does. And Grail, that was the word.

By the way, is the name of the spot where they were having— where the stones were stolen from.

JC Chazé is about to sashay back onto your screens, folks. Wave hello as NSYNC is here with Bye Bye Bye.

I hate that channel.

That's VH1 though. Congrats, you're VH1. I'm MTV.

That's fine.

I might be too hot for MTV. I might be MTV too. Oh, Rosie O'Donnell was on VH1, so you got good company. So there you go, Jeremy.

Well, you know what, Mike Ryan hasn't really proven a whole lot. He's, he's, he's attacking, he's critiquing his competition. But Mike Ryan, why don't you let everybody know about, uh, Michael Jackson getting divorced from Elvis's daughter?

I'm not a news I'm not a newsman, I'm a VJ.

All right, so I guess the news goes unreported now.

No, what I do is, here's John Norris with some breaking news on the King of Pop. That's what I do. That's what I do. That's what I bring to the table. Or I could be like, here's Jeremy Tashay with some breaking news on the King of Pop, because he's not a VJ, he's news.

Let's pretend Amin is Pauly Shore and you're the Weezer at the MTV. Yeah, the Weezer. Yeah, you're there with the Weezer, Mike Ryan, and you're at the MTV Summer Beach House and you're just, you know, like, is it the Summer of Scott? Have some fun here, vamp around. We have to fill 2 minutes till the top of the hour. Go ahead, Mike and the Weezer, go ahead, take it away there. Have some fun, guys.

We're here at the MTV Beach House and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy is about to get going. It It is the summer of ska, as you know from the hit blockbuster Clueless. It is taking over. Paulie, what are you seeing out there?

What? Let me turn on my bike, buddy. Uh, yeah, it's a lot of not funny quotes from movies that are not funny, like Encino Man.

Here's Jen Blossoms, the big bad booty daddy. Different band.

Best Pauly Shore movie? Son-in-Law.

Oh, Son-in-Law.

Son-in-Law's a good movie. I like Color Duty. Color Duty.

Bio-Dome.

Color Jujino.

Oh, Gugino. Gugino.

Yeah, In the Army Now is pretty good too.

In the Army Now is good.

There is no such thing as a good movie that has Pauly Shore in it. Sorry.

Jujito, my burrito.

You're not endearing yourself in any way to me.

What do you think Son-in-Law is on Rotten Tomatoes? I'll bet Son-in-Law's got a decent score.

2%.

Get the hell out of here.

You all right?

It's definitely eligible for Cinephobe.

Son-in-Law? Oh man, it's kind of low.

Every Pauly Shore movie qualifies on Cinephobe. Cinephobe, what's Cinephobe, you ask? Cinephobe is the podcast where we watch movies that are poorly rated on Rotten Tomatoes, under 40% of the critics' or audience score, and we try to ascertain whether they're accurately rated or maybe they didn't get a fair shake. It's produced by Anthony Mays. Get wherever you get podcasts. This week, Knock Off starring Van Damme, Rob Schneider, and Lila Rashawn.

Wow, he was in Goofy Movie.

Son-in-law is eligible for Cinephobe. Son-in-law's media score is 33%.

Terrible.

Tiffany Amber Thiessen, so fine in that movie.

That— I mean, they tend to stock the pond with hot actresses in these horrible movies because they know If they didn't, no one would watch this.

In the Army Now, terrible movie. Rotten Tomatoes media score, 25%. 12%.

Oh, jury duty was good though. Jury duty was legit good and it was of the times.

Legit good.

Yeah. Judgeyto bite my burrito. Who else comes up? That's not stuff you hear on BattleBots.

If his name was Paulie Shankman, he wouldn't have never had a career. The only reason he had a career is because his mom was one of the most powerful people in comedy.

I'll push back on that. He works hard.

Okay, can I tell you the Rotten Tomatoes media score for Jury Duty? You want to take a guess?

88.

I swear to God, zero.

No, Judgeyto buy my burrito is at least worth 5 points.

Zero. Oh no.

Cache, cache. Zaslo is now Madonna and you're talking to her about her heartfelt new video. Um, what's it called? Life Is a Prayer?

What? Like a prayer?

Yeah, like life is a prayer. Oh my God, I'm not auditioning.

Pause.

I'm not auditioning for a VJ job.

20-second timeout. 20-second timeout.

Rare.

V-A-R. Did you say Life Is a Prayer?

I couldn't remember what the name— Life is a mystery, everyone must Stand alone.

What a banger.

I hear you call my name.

That's a Las Rosas banger. Yeah, that's a Touch Tunes. That's a Touch Tunes Hall of Fame.

Every Friday.

Yeah. Madge, on the heels of La Isla Bonita, you decided to go with something religious in subtext. Now, this is very controversial. Protestants are very mad. How do you deal with the controversy? I mean, I'm good at this. I'm straight up good at this.

You ready for this?

Sonar, hold on for a second. Jeremy, what was the controversy about the Like a Prayer music video?

What was the controversy?

There was a massive controversy about that video.

You want to be a VJ?

Sacrilegious because it was a Jesus of color. That's what I was—

I swear to God.

Yeah, you were gonna do that.

So watch this.

Where the black Jesus? I was gonna say Afro-Latino Jesus.

Jeremy. You can—

backup dancer Jesus.

I pray to God you can—

you can redeem yourself. You can win the points back if you can tell me who played Black Jesus in that music video. Hmm, I'll give you— you want a hint?

Yes.

Other movies in his discography. The Temptations.

Well, Roy's laughter makes me feel way less confident. I need the Black internet for this.

Above the Rim.

Just say Laurence Tate.

Stop acting like you have it.

Just say something.

I don't have it. I don't even, I'm not even close to having it.

You're sweating.

I'm, I feel uncomfortable.

Roy, you want to help him out?

Leon.

Mm, so close.

Leon from Cool Runnings, right? Yeah.

Cool Runnings.

New York Undercover.

I would have gotten there if you gave me Cool Runnings for sure.

Yeah, but you had to zero in which, which black guy.

I was really close to saying Luddy Kravitz.

Suggy Doug?

The other dude from New York Undercover. However, the Puerto Rican dude, he was in, uh, the Bad music video.

Hold on, I, I now I want to imagine the Like a Prayer video if Dougie Doug played.

Oh man, God, we're old. Hell yeah.

Here's Deshae.

Can you give us an update from the Michael Jackson trial?

It's very big news.

And action.

The latest from the trial on Michael Jackson. Here's the video for Black or White.

Whoa, you fool! You're so bad at this.

Wow, like the trial was way after Black or White.

I mean, get your timeline.

I mean, yeah, I'm trying to get some news here and you're throwing in music videos.

Yeah, I don't think they were diving too deep into the details there. I don't think—

what? What?

This guy is on MTV News.

Really? But I thought I was working as a VJ.

Nope, you're not working as any— you're out of work.

You're trying to hang on as an unpaid intern.

You're Jesse.

I think there's been a pretty big big disparity between the things that have been thrown at me and the things that have been thrown at Mike.

I've been tackling the same stuff. He asked you about 98 Degrees.

Watch, I'll bet Mike can give us some news here. Mike, tell us how Tupac was just murdered.

Yeah, breaking news. Las Vegas Police Department officials have confirmed the rapper-actor Tupac Shakur has been gunned down, racked, on the Las Vegas Strip. The incident happened after a heavyweight boxing fight. Details still emerging.

Wow.

Dog, he's got it down.

I didn't know any of that. Yeah, I felt that. Thanks for coming in, Tax Jay.

Isn't he still alive?

If anyone asks you how it's done, that's how it's done.

Jilly.

I was born in '95.

Oh Lord.

This is really tough. But the, the thing is, that's the assignment. It's can you be an MTV VJ?

Right. No, I get that.

I'm just saying. And I told you there was a generational divide. This is like, maybe if you were at the time, maybe if you had the life experience that Amin and I had, you'd be able to know how it's done.

I can capitulate that part of it. What I was doing was based off the talent and the vibes alone, if you placed both of us in that era where we had the same level of education on the subject, I would wipe the floor with you.

No, you wouldn't. You would be MTV News still, because you don't have an edge to you.

Yeah.

I can do it all, man.

There's nothing controversial about me.

I can even be Tech Money throwing it to MOP's Annie Up. I can do it all, pal.

Jeremy, listen.

OK, listen, listen, let's make it fair then, tache. Let's do modern-day stuff, report on Kanye's antisemitism.

And go.

I did not see this one coming.

Too happy.

Kanye West has been selling t-shirts with swastikas on them. He will join Donald Trump at the White House on Thursday.

That's better, but I hope you learned a valuable lesson.

Little too Marlins broadcast-y.

Wasn't looking for you to editorialize in the beginning either.

Yeah.

No one cares if you saw it coming or something, News.

Yeah, MTV News doesn't do that.

This guy doesn't get it.

Journalist.

Not see.

Just saying. Oh, you're making jokes.

They don't do puns on MTV News.

You're making jokes about antisemitism?

Yes.

That'll keep you on the air.

Yeah. You fool!

I'm Jewish! Wordplay.

Wordplay does keep you on the air.

So in the last 2 minutes, we've gotten a Nazi joke and I need the Black Internet. You're hired.

And he said Black World.

Man, you guys are really going to cost me all my other jobs.

Down Levitar! I mean, Tron Madonna out there. I don't know what the hell she was doing. And then what's this boy band KPS?

KBS?

What's their name? I have no idea who that is.

This is BTS.

Jonathan Sasslo, isn't this the big—

this is the biggest band in the world.

That's right.

Get out of here. I think Pearl Jam. This is the Dan Levitan Show. Did you guys see— I don't know if you're aware, there's a quarterback battle going on in Atlanta, and the Atlanta Falcons and the Indianapolis Colts have been doing joint practices. Dave Dameshek, did you see this video that the Indianapolis Colts put out? You know, they're putting big-time pass rush on, on Tua. You know, they're, they're trying to get after the quarterback. Watch this video here of Tua looking very, very comfortable in the pocket.

For the audio audience, it's the opposite of that.

I mean, he knows that they're not allowed to touch him, and yet he's still petrified, right?

Right. Great point. Not allowed to touch him. Not allowed to touch him. He is petrified at any sense of pressure. And finally, after running back and forth a few times, he just throws the ball into the stomach of the defender.

And that concludes today's installment of Let's Laugh at Tua.

So there's a, there's a criticism out there about this show. We, we sound like haters.

Yeah.

And, uh, you know, really laughing at his misfortune. And I get it, but also I don't think the nation gets what he put you guys through.

The "show me the money" stuff? Like, get out of here with that.

Yeah, but you gotta admit, it is a fair criticism that we are really enjoying this downfall of Tua way too much. It's hatin' ass hater behavior.

Oh my god, we're doing sports radio? Who would have thought?

Yeah, but like the rest of the nation is like, "Wow, this is really outside." No, Amin's right.

Oh my god, we're being sports fans.

Like, in Houston, are they doing like the Deshaun Watson show every day of like, let's see this terrible interception he threw today?

Let me just say that if they're not, they're missing out big time. Oh, I would absolutely— if this show was based in Houston, we'd do Deshaun Watson updates every week.

Yeah, I mean, well, the distinction is it feels like you're punching down. He feels pitiable even though he's worth whatever he's worth, $30 million or more to us, and is a pro football quarterback, potentially a starter. One of 32 gigs, and yet it all stacks up to like, man, that guy's a sad story, ain't he? It's— we got the head trauma and otherwise it feels like you're picking on somebody.

Well, what's the response then when someone hears, you know, he's a sad story and we're picking on him? And then the response— because I saw a lot of this yesterday— and then the response is, hold on a second, he gets to keep all of that $100+ million and not even play for the Dolphins this is a sad story, this is a sad situation.

Like, no, I think you're right, Zaslow. I think you are correct, Zaslow. I thought his comments at the tail end last season were, were, uh, outrageous. Like, man, I don't know what, what is exactly—

was it would be dope to go somewhere else.

But in our defense, in our defense, it's rare you see a training camp clip where a guy looks as frazzled where he's not able to get hit. I mean, it's a— I feel like we're making a pretty obvious observation here.

Yeah, for me, and it's a lot of what Dave just said, like, I, I wasn't hoping that Tannehill was going to be bad when he went to Tennessee. I, I wasn't hoping that Chad Henney was never going to start again once the Dolphins let him go, because those guys, their behavior wasn't Tua's behavior in his final year here, throwing teammates under the bus, coming up with every excuse every single week openly talking about how dope it would be to play somewhere else, bragging about getting paid, laughing on the sidelines when the Dolphins are getting blown out in a disaster of a season, and seemingly, you know, the, uh, you know, power struggle behind the scenes with the head coach.

I—

so yeah, I want Tua to do poorly. I hope he does poorly. I don't appreciate the way he behaved here.

I think now, yeah, well, I agree with that and I spiritually sign off on being a raw Dolphins fan, you know, in your seat though. I do also understand what Mike's saying from a distance. You may not be aware of that and it feels like you're just making fun of a guy who's, uh, who's been doing the fencing thing on the field one too many times and he feels like a pathetic guy at this point. But that's in the rearview. Now you have Malik Willis and I find it fascinating that we know the Dolphins do not want to make the playoffs. They want to miss the playoffs and set up for '27 and beyond. So as you watch the 17 games that are about to kick off for your Dolphins, what do you need to see from Malik Willis that makes you feel like— because I feel like, talk about a guy to feel bad for, they've just, you know, sacrificial lamb kind of, kind of vibes there. We're not going to help you at all, Malik Willis. Now we're gonna probably replace you in the first round in 2027. Very strange stuff. What does Willis have to do to make you feel like, I hope the Dolphins don't take a quarterback because we already have the answer?

Well, so this part is interesting, right? Is there, is there a scenario where— because we've had this conversation— where are you going to be able to get a good read on the quarterback when he doesn't have guys to throw to? Now, Caleb Douglas, Chris Bell. There are people who think that these are, are going to be dudes. All right, so maybe we'll wind up being wrong about that, but is there a world where we can tell that Malik Willis is a good quarterback but the Dolphins still lose a lot of games? So they're, so they're in the scenario, they're in the situation where they have a high draft pick and they can choose to replace Malik Willis at quarterback if they want. Like, you understand what I'm saying? Can it be both? That they're going to get the high pick in the draft and face this scenario, but we also believe, you know what, Malik Willis is actually pretty good. Can those two both happen at the same time?

Well, I— to me, the— this sounds like, uh, insanity if it were 2010, but the new world order where in-season name brand guys get dealt away. Let's say, what if Jordan Love— as the perfect situation— what if Jordan Love got hurt up in Green Bay and the Dolphins were fulfilling their, their, uh, the self-fulfilling destiny of going, you know, 2-15 or whatever? Let's say they're tracking in that direction. Do you think the Packers call the Dolphins? Because that would be optimal if you are the Dolphins, right, to get Malik Willis so you have a little bit of intrigue for the fan base for the first couple of months. Until what you expect to happen is happening. They are a terrible team. Would you then trade Malik Willis to a contending team? If Matthew Stafford, for instance, went down in LA, what would they do? I mean, they could— they can't put Ty Simpson in there.

But see, that's, that's why they could— they could— they invested a first-round draft pick in them. I think it also depends on what your options are. What's a good season for the Miami Dolphins? I would say 6 wins is a brilliant season.

I think a good season is Malik Willis is a real quarterback.

Well, it's hard to entertain this hypothetical because if Malik Willis is a good quarterback, your record is better than—

That's my question. Like, is there a world where we can say—

So you're not in play for Arch Manning?

That's, that's my question. Is there a world where we can confidently say, I think Malik Willis is good, but the Dolphins didn't win a lot of games? Because I would think that if Malik Willis— if we feel that he's good, they probably won some games.

There are two— there are only two looming examples this millennium of high-end quarterback play on a bum team. Drew Brees—

that's my question—

has a losing record, I think, 3 straight years in New Orleans because the defense is an atrocity. And Matthew Stafford, for the majority of his time in Detroit. But very—

we already knew Brees was good. Like, even those years, we already had the sample size that it doesn't matter. We know Brees is good.

So this is—

I know, but those are the 2 exact exceptions that prove the rule. If the quarterback is playing well in the quarterback league, you tend to win games as a team. That's just the way it breaks. Save a couple of, uh, uh, oddball examples that I just gave there. I do think it has sort of like, if you'll buy— well, you're an ACC country— like Lenore Sellers, SEC, uh, you know, Gamecocks quarterback. He's great, but probably the talent on in South Carolina doesn't keep up with the rest of the SEC. And you can kind of distinguish the two, right? You can say like, the quarterback is for real, the guys around them ain't good, but you like Lenore Sellers enough to see him as a real prospect.

Yeah, there are examples of teams having bad seasons in terms of win-loss but also feeling like they found an answer at quarterback. I mean, Peyton Manning was pretty obvious, but they weren't great that his rookie season. I believe Baker Mayfield set a rookie passing record his rookie season and he didn't even start all the games.

Those are good examples.

Yeah, but also they weren't veterans that were coming over to a new team. Which is a little bit different because, yeah, I'm not going to take a quarterback the very next year because this guy has shown promise and the wins weren't there, but I already invested draft capital in them. A veteran, that's, that's a difficult situation.

I don't think the Dolphins are hoping to get a quarterback in next year's draft. I think they're hoping that the guy they just signed to a really team-friendly 3-year deal— we know it's kind of 2 years though— I think they really hope that he's their guy.

And look at the draft pick they made. I think that the first-round pick they made kind of validates what Zazz is saying, whether or not we agree with that. I think they should have taken Caleb Downs. I get the Reuben— I, I get the spiritual reasons for Bain being the pick there too. But what they— what the Dolphins did is validate what Zazz just said. They think they have the answer at quarterback, or else you ain't taking his, uh, his, uh, left tackle protector.

Yeah, I think they want him to be Sam Darnold, they want him to be Baker Mayfield, they want to do the guy who's getting this new chance on a new team and he ends up being a guy. I— and by the way, after that second year, if they do like Malik Willis, that's when Tua's money also comes off the books. So you can— you actually would have the money to, to extend that quarterback if you like him.

Okay, so I have an example. Of a veteran guy coming in, playing way better than you expected, and having to make a decision between the quarterback of the future or that quarterback. And I think we can all agree this did not work out for Minnesota and Sam Darnold and J.J. McCarthy.

But, but they were already pot committed, right? They made the McCarthy pick. They invested the first-round pick when they had no intention of ever playing Sam Darnold. And then they had a curveball thrown their way where they had to play him.

But one of the rare instances where the veteran makes you really think and think hard.

Happened— it happened— it kind of happened in San Diego where Breeze wasn't great, got hurt. They draft Rivers. Breeze is still the starter.

Great one.

Breeze is still really good, but they have Rivers and they selected him what, number 2 overall, number 3 overall, whatever it was, uh, they made the trade with the Giants.

And it proves the crapshoot effect of all of it, Zaslo and Mike. That's exactly right. San Francisco, you, you have to throw a bunch of throwing crap against the wall to see what sticks. That is the big takeaway from all of this. The Niners had Alex Smith and Colin Kaepernick, and one of them worked out. Seattle launches its almost dynasty with Matt Flynn. Oh yeah, we'll also take that Russell Wilson. We'll take him, see maybe he'll work out. Tavares Jackson was in play around then. That is the takeaway. They had Drew Bledsoe. They were paying him gigantic amounts of money. They get so much credit still to this day for drafting Tom Brady late in the 6th round. That was a crapshoot. The point is, the big takeaway is, you just have to keep throwing. I mean, the Browns, as much as a punchline as they are, I think they deserve credit for the attempt that they made a year ago. They had Watson, then they get Flacco, then they draft not one but two guys out of college. At least they're trying to flood the zone to see if they can find the answer.

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